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[audience cheering]
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Whoa, what's up, Oakland?
Please, please, please.
Thank you.
Oh.
[audience cheering]
This is exciting.
[man] Yeah!
Thank you so much. Thank you for coming to this.
And I really appreciate it.
This is gonna be fun. I had to do this special in Oakland.
[audience cheering]
Oakland is one of my favorite cities in the world.
-It's like-- It is. It is. -[audience cheering]
It's a very unique city.
It's the one place where you can get stock tips from a pimp.
[audience laughing]
The whole bay is dope.
I didn't wanna tape in San Francisco.
[audience laughing, then cheering]
Nothing against San Francisco, just a little too whimsy for me.
[audience laughing]
You know what I mean? It's just too-- There's just too much hope.
[audience laughing]
I didn't think my jokes would do well there.
[audience laughing]
When a parent says, "You can be anything you wanna be,"
I feel like that sentence should end with, "In San Francisco."
[audience laughing]
You wanna open a bakery, but you only make cupcakes?
You can be anything you wanna be...
in San Francisco.
[audience laughing]
You wanna smoke crack in front of the library?
[audience laughing]
Oh, you know that guy?
[audience laughing]
There's so much to talk about. This is my first special in five years. I--
[audience cheering]
I got so much on my mind, man.
You ever see a homeless guy with a dick so big, you stop feeling sorry for him?
[audience laughing]
You could be whatever you wanna be...
[audience laughing]
...in San Francisco.
[Che laughing]
I saw that recently. I did see a homeless guy--
Uh, a gentleman. I don't know what you call him, but...
[audience laughing]
His dick was so big that I started to think maybe that's why he was homeless.
[audience laughing]
Maybe he went through life with too much confidence.
[audience laughing]
People warned him, "Get a better job or you'll lose everything."
He's like, "Job? I don't need money.
I got a big-ass dick. I'll be fine.
Just whip this shit out in CVS.
[audience laughing]
See where it takes me."
[audience laughing]
That sounds like just a gross dick joke, but, you know...
[audience laughing]
Maybe it's insight into the fragile male ego. Okay, now it's smart.
It's true. A gainfully employed man can see a homeless guy with a giant penis
and be like, "Lucky motherfucker."
[audience laughing]
"Some dudes just get all the breaks, I guess."
[audience laughing]
I don't know why men are so obsessed with their dicks. It's funny.
Every man here knows what I'm talking about.
Every dude here has measured his dick, and I don't mean just with a ruler.
Anything that could be the shape of a dick.
[audience laughing]
Hairbrush, shampoo bottle.
Ladies, if you go in the bathroom and see the remote control in there.
You're like, "Why is the remote in here?"
[audience laughing, applauding]
'Cause we gotta get scale.
[audience laughing]
Women don't measure their genitals.
Either because you're smarter or you haven't figured out how yet.
[audience laughing]
What would you do? Fill it with water and stand over a bucket?
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]
-"I got two cups of pussy." Ew. -[audience laughing]
[Che laughing]
"Two cups of pussy" sounds like a Megan Thee Stallion song.
[audience laughing, then cheering]
Two cups of pussy.
I like Megan Thee Stallion, but... I did not understand "WAP."
Like, wet-ass pussy? All the time? For real?
You got, like, a condition?
"That's right. My pussy's wet all the time.
Funerals, birthday parties.
[audience laughing]
Court."
[audience laughing]
Men are obsessed with their dicks.
I've been trying to figure that shit out my entire life. Why?
It's not because women like them. We'd prefer if you didn't like it.
[audience laughing]
You don't believe me? Go home. Go home. Tell your boyfriend one day.
If you're watching this at home, go to your boyfriend and say, "I'm leaving
'cause your dick is way too big.
[audience laughing]
I hate having sex with you.
I need a much smaller man."
He's gonna smile and say, "You gotta do what you gotta do.
[audience laughing]
This ain't going to ever change."
I think men know that women like big dicks,
but we just don't know how big is too big.
So we think the number's infinity.
[audience laughing]
It can't be infinity. At some point, it's too much, right?
At some point, you're standing in front of a vending machine with a $100 bill.
[audience chuckling]
They're like, "It's nice, but it ain't going in.
[audience laughing]
I sure wish I had a five on me now."
[audience laughing]
This is weird, seeing you in your masks, but this audience is fully vaxed.
Uh, I don't really--
[audience cheering]
I don't have a strong stance on whether you wanna be vaxed.
I asked for it to be fully vaxed because I wanted the audience
to understand my jokes.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
That doesn't make sense. I just talked for 15 minutes about homeless-guy dicks.
[audience laughing]
I'm pandering.
I'm with you, though, I wear my mask.
If I wasn't performing, I'd have mine on.
I started wearing mine when they said, "We don't need masks anymore."
I was like, "I want my mask."
[audience laughing]
Remember? "We don't need masks this summer." I was like, "Uh, no, we do."
[audience laughing]
I'm serious.
When they first said we needed those masks,
I was like, "Fuck the mask. That mask can't work."
Then they're like, "We don't need masks." "I want my mask."
[audience laughing]
It's like when a girl says "You don't need a condom." "I need two condoms."
[audience laughing]
"I never wanted a condom more until you said that nasty shit."
That's right. You better be vaccinated if you wanna come to my show.
You got to be vaccinated. Get one of the three--
[audience cheering]
Everybody's gotta be vaccinated, or, you know, get one of them cards.
[audience laughing]
That's the rule. Get vaccinated, or, you know, a card.
Just some card stock in a printer.
Anything will do. We're not looking. Don't laminate it. Doesn't matter.
[audience chuckling]
That's our defense.
I'm trying to get my mother to get the vaccine. She's scared.
Well, it's not her fault. Her neighbor got the vaccine, and he died three days later.
He got hit by a truck.
[audience laughing]
She thinks the vaccine is unlucky.
[audience laughing]
I got the vaccine, but I'm still skeptical. I don't know.
Is anybody skeptical? Does anybody feel safer?
[audience cheering]
They make us feel stupid for being skeptical. I took it, but I don't know.
You know why I was skeptical? Because the vaccine was free.
[audience laughing]
I was like, I don't know about that shit.
Free medicine in America? Uh...
Since when?
[audience cheering]
If the vaccine was $3000, I'd be like, "That sounds right.
They trying to keep rich niggas alive. I get it."
But free? That just sounds like a setup.
[audience laughing]
I grew up in public housing, you know...
I remember what the government gives you for free. It's not usually their best.
I don't know if you've tasted their cheese.
[audience laughing]
I wouldn't trust them with vaccines after that.
[audience laughing]
I asked my doctor. I want the vaccine, but give me the one that costs some money.
[audience laughing]
He was like, "What?" I was like, "Give me the fucking... The real one.
[audience laughing]
I don't want that free shit.
Give me the $3000 one."
He was like, "They're all the same." Okay, but which one are you gonna give Rihanna?
[audience laughing]
She's important.
You tell me to trust science. I don't know science.
[audience laughing]
I trust history.
History says, if this was any good, you'd be charging us for it.
[audience laughing]
I took that COVID serious. I stayed in for the first three months.
I didn't go nowhere. I didn't protest. I didn't even loot.
[audience laughing]
I really needed some shit too. I didn't loot.
I wanted to be a part of that. I did not loot.
It's embarrassing! I gotta tell my grandkids about that.
Greatest time to be alive as a Black man, I didn't get in on it.
[audience laughing]
Imagine asking your grandpa, "What was it like marching in Selma?"
He's like, "There was a nasty flu that summer, so...
[audience laughing]
I stayed home because of germs."
[audience laughing]
"My grandfather was a bitch-ass nigga, man."
[audience laughing]
Fucking coon.
I had to watch all the looting and protesting on TV.
It was dope too. I've never been prouder to be a Black man.
I'm serious. Watching Black people come together and tear shit up?
That shit was a sight to see. I was proud.
[audience cheering]
I was calling all my white friends, "Colin, you know what it is." Hanging up.
[audience laughing]
I was showing off. I was excited.
I was so excited. I was so proud. Up until January 6th.
[audience booing]
When they stormed that Capitol.
And I saw how real niggas loot.
[audience laughing]
-That was impressive! Holy shit! -[audience cheering]
Say what you will, but that was some good fucking looting, goddamn.
Black people did okay. We were stealing, like, from Target.
We got Gucci belts.
The motherfuckers tried to steal the Constitution
of the United States of America.
[audience cheering]
I didn't know that was up for grabs.
[audience laughing]
I was watching that on TV, like, "Fuck, let's get another go!"
Like watching Supermarket Sweep, they go for the caviar.
You're like, "Oh, this nigga-- a genius."
All types of racist white groups I'd never heard of.
I was watching that. "The Proud Boys are coming." The Proud Boys?
"The Boogaloo Niggas." Who are the Boogaloo Niggas?
[audience laughing]
Why are they dressed like Vikings? What happened to sheets?
[audience laughing]
Y'all too good for sheets now? You're Vikings?
I was embarrassed, dude.
I was like, "Fuck that. I gotta start protesting.
We're not as far ahead as I thought."
I went to a Black Lives Matter rally right after that to support.
But I must have gone too late.
It was all white women there.
[audience laughing, then cheering]
Holy shit. You ever...
You ever end up at a whites-only Black Lives Matter rally?
That shit is confusing.
You gotta prepare for that shit.
They had signs. "Stop racism!"
I'm like, who are you talking to?
[audience laughing]
Each other?
Just call your fucking dad!
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
That shit was crazy.
I saw a white lady with a sign that said, "Fuck the police."
[audience laughing]
I wanted to rob her on principle.
[audience laughing]
Just to see how committed she was.
[audience laughing]
"Fuck the police."
It wasn't all bad. We got some good shit.
Black people got some good shit out of them protests.
What we get?
What we got? We got Aunt Jemima fired.
I'll take it.
I don't know how high that was on the docket but, sure.
It's about time, I guess.
Some liberated pancakes.
What else we get? We got Juneteenth. Oh, yeah.
That fucking holiday we didn't definitely just find out about two years ago.
You know.
Juneteenth.
The thing we definitely didn't just see one TikTok video about and now we want it.
We need a new fucking negotiator, Black people.
It's frustrating.
Like watching the Knicks in the off-season.
Juneteenth? Who wanted that shit? I thought we were getting Durant.
Where the fuck is Kyrie?
And I like Juneteenth.
It's just not as fun now that white people get to celebrate it too.
It's your fault! You shouldn't get the day off!
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
It's like celebrating the day you stop hitting your wife.
[audience laughing]
This would be so much better if we had Black leadership.
Real Black leadership.
All our Black leaders is just...
celebrities and niggas on Twitter.
[audience chuckling]
You a celebrity or nigga from Twitter, people think you a Black leader.
I have kids that come up to me, "I get all my news from you."
I'm like, "You don't know shit."
[audience laughing]
I'm not doing news. I'm telling jokes.
I'm not saying you shouldn't use your platform for good,
but I'm just saying celebrities are too busy to be actual Black leaders.
We need motherfuckers that can do this shit full-time.
You know why Martin Luther King got so much work done?
'Cause he wasn't also small forward for the Lakers.
[audience laughing, applauding]
Too many small forwards leading these marches.
That's why we don't got shit.
Everybody's getting shit but us 'cause everybody got leadership except us.
Asians got a hate-crime bill. I don't remember their riot, but I'm glad.
[audience laughing]
[man] Talk about it.
Am I bullshitting?
[man] You're not.
-I was happy they got one too. -[man] Me too.
Asians and Blacks, we get along great. We have a beautiful relationship.
[audience cheering]
I love the Chinese. Chinese people brought broccoli to the 'hood.
[audience laughing]
There was no broccoli in the ghetto before Chinese people got there.
Don't you fucking start lying.
[audience laughing]
I didn't know what that was called. Used to call it "little trees."
[audience laughing]
"Let me get an order of beef and little trees."
Black people are very thankful for that.
Yeah, thank you. I don't know how much we can thank you.
Why do you think there are so many Black girls named China, Asia...?
[audience laughing]
We love you niggas. For the broccoli, thank you.
[audience laughing, applauding]
I challenge you to find one Black neighborhood
without at least 37 thriving Chinese businesses.
Not just Chinese. Everybody.
Everybody comes to a Black neighborhood to open up their business. We know that.
Black people are like the first boss in a video game.
[audience laughing]
"You want the American dream, open up your store here first.
See what them chicken wings hit like."
[audience laughing]
And we don't mind it because at least you sell shit we like.
Chicken wings, ponytails, wave grease, do-rags.
[audience laughing]
Cigarettes one at a time.
[audience laughing]
DVDs, everything we like.
I don't know who's doing y'all research, but they are nailing it.
What in-flight magazine are you reading before you get to the 'hood?
But you know everything.
White people don't know that shit,
and we've been here the whole time with them.
You ever needed wave grease and went into a CVS?
[audience chuckling]
White people don't know shit. That's why we never feel welcome here.
People come here knowing more about us than you do,
and we're neighbors.
Isn't that crazy?
And I know this. Like, I'm American.
I'm born and raised in this country.
But I don't feel American.
[audience applauding]
I feel American until I'm around something very American,
then I'm like, "I don't like this."
[audience laughing]
I think that's the better...
You know what I'm saying? I'll give you an example.
I was driving through Texas one time.
[audience clamoring]
Oh, you heard of it?
[audience laughing]
I hit one of them small towns in Texas,
and there was an American flag on every house.
And we all looked at each other in the car,
like, "Let's get the fuck out of here.
[audience laughing, applauding]
This is way too American for us."
[audience laughing]
Somehow the American flag is just too American.
I feel the same way about the American flag
that I imagine white people feel about Black people.
Like, I don't wanna be around a lot of them.
[audience laughing]
Three or four is fine, that's plenty, but, you know...
I don't wanna be surrounded.
[audience chuckling]
[Che laughs]
Black people love this country. We're just more specific about our love.
You ask any nigga here:
"You love America?" He'll be like, "I love Brooklyn.
[audience laughing]
Atlanta's cool.
I don't know shit about them Dakotas."
[audience laughing]
If there was a Black American flag, there'd be, like, 11 stars.
For cities. Not even the whole state.
They'd be like, "All right, Detroit, Oakland, D.C."
[audience cheering]
Everything else would be a question mark.
[audience laughing]
Black people don't fuck with anything too patriotic.
Weirds us out.
You don't see American flags in Black neighborhoods.
You'll see more Puerto Rican flags in a Black neighborhood.
[audience cheering]
Ain't that crazy?
It's too patriotic. White people love patriotic shit.
I get it. It reminds you of America's history.
[audience laughing]
But for Black people, it reminds us of America's history.
[audience cheering]
[Che chuckles]
Even the national anthem. The national anthem, uh...
Remember when Kaepernick kneeled for the anthem?
White people say, "How the fuck could he do that?"
Niggas was watching like, "I get it."
[audience laughing]
'Cause you don't know what it sounds like to us.
This is gonna be fucked up.
[audience laughing]
You know what the national anthem feels like?
It feels like I'm listening to R. Kelly now.
[audience cheering and clamoring]
It's still good.
It's still good. It's just hard to not think about that other thing.
[audience laughing]
Look at this white guy.
R. Kelly's an R&B singer from the '90s who...
[audience laughing]
He made a lot of important music for Black people
and two very important songs for white people.
"I Believe I Can Fly"...
and the remix to "Ignition."
[audience cheering]
I love announcing that
'cause there's always a white girl like, "Fuck. He made that too?
[audience laughing]
That's my wedding song."
[audience laughing]
It's a good song.
He also peed on a 15-year-old girl, which white people just found out about,
and niggas have to pretend we just found out about too.
[audience laughing]
We've known for a while. We saw the tape.
That's how long ago it was. It was on tape.
This nigga set up a tripod for that shit.
[audience laughing]
Nobody here saw the tape?
I saw it. That was fucked up.
I don't know if you've seen it.
Not only does he pee on the girl,
which is already horrible,
but he also pees on his own couch.
[audience laughing]
When I saw that shit, I was like, "This nigga's insane, man. Ooh.
Who would do such a thing?
Not gonna move that shit to the linoleum or nothing?"
[audience laughing]
I'm not saying it's just as bad, but one of them's a lot harder to clean.
[audience laughing]
Is that the line?
I have to ask, guys.
If I go too far, let me know, I'll rein it back.
[audience clamoring]
I like making fun of dark shit. That's just how I process information.
[audience cheering]
And it doesn't make me better or anything. It's just how I do it.
Some people... Uh, some people don't. Some people like to make sad shit sadder.
[audience chuckling]
You know. I disagree.
I like making fun of sad shit. I don't like people who make fun shit sad.
What's worse, making fun of something sad, or making sad of something fun?
You know? Who'd you rather be with?
Somebody that's gonna make you laugh about that time you got molested, or...
[audience laughing]
Or somebody that tells you scrambled eggs are just chicken abortions?
[audience laughing]
I'm asking, 'cause I like to make jokes that are terrible to some people.
-[woman] Whoo! -Yeah. I'm always getting into trouble.
One time, I got in trouble 'cause I said I liked Donald Trump.
[audience laughing and clamoring]
Well, in fairness, he had just hosted SNL, and he was fucking nice to me.
He was. He even gave me a nickname.
He called me "One of the good ones," and, uh...
[audience laughing and applauding]
I don't know what he meant by that.
[groans]
I'm kidding. I don't like Donald Trump.
[audience cheering]
I don't hate Donald Trump.
I didn't love him, I didn't hate him.
I just wish he wasn't our president, if that makes sense.
[audience applauding]
But if Trump was the president of anywhere else,
I would have been like, "This nigga Trump is hilarious.
[audience laughing]
Why can't we ever get somebody this fun?"
But he's ours, so it wasn't that funny. Know what I mean?
Like, everybody loves drunk dad, but not when he's your drunk dad.
Like, "Your dad's great." "Yeah? Well, he hits us, so I'm glad...
I'm glad you're enjoying this."
Democrats hate when you say that shit. Liberals?
[audience member clapping]
People assume all Black people are Democrats...
because we always vote Democrat.
[audience laughing]
But we don't really vote Democrat. We vote not Republican, if anything.
[audience cheering, applauding]
You know what I mean?
We vote defense first.
[audience laughing]
We vote like the Baltimore Ravens draft.
Democrats are like condoms.
We'll use you, but, you know, it doesn't feel good.
[audience laughing]
We're just trying to prevent some other shit from happening.
That's why Black voter turnout's always so low.
"Who would you rather have?
Old rich white dude, or old rich white dude?"
I'm like, "I'd like to just enjoy my Tuesday, honestly."
I didn't like when Trump was president. I could be honest now.
-[woman cheers] -[Che chuckles]
I can. I didn't like it. It was frustrating.
Because he'd say some nasty, ugly shit sometimes.
You know, like, really, really racist shit.
And then right after that...
[sighs]
...he'd say something that'd just touch my old Black heart.
[audience chuckles]
You know? He'll say something racist,
then he'd be like, "The FBI be setting niggas up
and the media be lying."
And white people be like, "No, they don't." I'm like, "Well...
[audience laughing, clapping]
He's not wrong.
Just the worst possible guy to be right at this time."
It's like if Bill Cosby was like,
"The justice system's unfair to Black men."
You're like, "Not for you. You can't... We don't wanna hear you say that shit."
[audience cheering, applauding]
[chuckles]
That's not the only time I got into trouble.
I did a thing I didn't even know was a thing.
You ever do that?
It's called "dead-naming." I'd never heard of it before.
But I made a joke on Saturday Night Live...
where I dead-named-- I don't know if you know what that is,
but it's when you make reference to a trans person's former self.
That's what I did.
I made a joke about Bruce Jenner the track star
instead of Caitlyn Jenner the race-car driver.
[audience laughing, clapping]
I called her a race-car driver because she killed somebody with her car.
[audience cheering, clapping]
Caitlyn Jenner killed somebody with her car,
and my joke was so bad, America took her side.
[audience laughing]
Did you guys not know that?
Of course you didn't. No one likes to talk about it.
They did a whole Comedy Central Roast about Caitlyn Jenner
and nobody brought up that she killed somebody with her car.
That'd be like if they roasted O.J. and just stuck to football jokes.
[audience laughing]
That's not why we know this motherfucker anymore.
[audience cheering]
[snickers]
They accused me of punching down.
If I can't make fun of rich white women, who can I make fun of?
[audience laughing]
She was the 2015 Woman of the Year. I wasn't even nominated.
How the fuck is she down?
I got in trouble for that one. I learned my lesson too.
From now on, the only pronouns I use is "this nigga" and "that nigga."
[audience laughing, applauding]
As in, that nigga Caitlyn Jenner killed somebody with her car.
[audience laughing, cheering]
And I'll never forget it.
[audience applauding]
I could joke about it now, it's funny.
But at the time, it was not very funny. I was... I was humiliated, embarrassed.
I felt terrible. I felt bad. They was writing articles calling me homophobic.
I have gay friends. I work with gay people.
I don't want that going around. I felt terrible.
But I started to look into myself. Maybe there's something I don't know.
Am I homophobic?
[high-pitched laughter]
[audience laughs]
When you did that laugh, I was like, "That's a gay-ass laugh."
[audience laughing, cheering]
I'm kidding. That was a joke. It was just... I couldn't pass...
I guess I realized how little I understood about homophobia.
Like even on a base level.
I don't even know why gays get a phobia and everybody else gets an "ism."
[audience chuckling]
If you don't like Black people, that's racism.
If you don't like women, that's sexism.
If you don't like poor people, that's classism.
If you don't like gays, homophobia.
I thought that was for clowns and spiders and shit.
[audience laughing, applauding]
I looked it up, what a phobia was. You know what it is?
It's an extreme or irrational fear of something.
I'm like, "Okay, that makes sense.
If you're afraid of gay people, that's extreme and irrational."
If you're afraid of Black people, that's extreme.
[audience laughing]
It's not irrational.
If you're at a ATM late at night and a Black dude run up behind you
and you freak out, that's an extreme reaction.
It's not irrational.
[audience laughing]
Look, I'm Black. If a nigga run up on me, I'll be like,
"Please be gay. Please.
Please have a lisp or something."
[audience applauding]
It's not irrational.
Why wouldn't you be afraid of Black people?
All they do is tell you to be afraid of us. Everybody is.
Cops are afraid of us.
These motherfuckers we pay to protect us, they the most afraid of us.
Cops are so afraid of Black people that I'm starting to believe in myself.
[audience laughing]
They think we magical or some shit.
We could be holding anything, they' be like, "Put that gun down."
I'm like, "These are flowers. What the fuck?"
"Yeah, they're flowers now.
You niggas are tricky."
I'm like, "Can I kill this nigga with flowers? What the fuck?
What does he know that I don't know?"
Do you know how that feels?
For a motherfucker to believe in you so much
that you actually believe what they believe you to be?
I had an ex-girlfriend like that. She was jealous.
Super jealous. She used to always think I was cheating on her.
Even when I wasn't.
[audience laughing]
I'm not saying it's her fault I ended up cheating on her, but she...
She gave me the confidence I needed...
[audience laughing]
...to meet other people.
I could introduce her to anybody.
Models.
Women I could not fuck if I wanted to.
She was like, "You fucking her, ain't you?" I'm like, "I can't."
[audience laughing]
She'd go, "I see the way she looks at you."
I go, "She do be looking? Oh, my God."
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
That's a stupid joke.
[audience laughs]
It's true, though.
We'd fight all the time. We'd fight over stupid shit.
Just because I didn't know. Stuff I didn't know.
I always hated that she assumed that I would know things
that I couldn't possibly know.
I didn't know periods weren't fun.
It looks fun in the commercial.
[audience laughing]
I have sisters. They'd get their periods.
They didn't even call it a period.
They'd be like, "It's my time of the month."
And I'd be like, "Okay, have a good time.
[audience laughing]
Can't wait till I grow up and get some time for myself."
And that's all they'd say about it. Nobody talked about it.
They didn't talk about it the way I would if I got a period.
If I got a period, it'd be all I talked about.
It'd be my excuse for everything. Like, "Che, you're three hours late for work."
"Nigga, I got my period."
[audience laughing]
"We understand that,
but it's the third time this month you've used that excuse."
"I played sports in high school, my shit's irregular.
What you want from me, man?"
I'm all bloated and shit.
My girl get her period, man,
and she wouldn't even say nothing about it.
She would just be suffering. I would feel so bad.
I know she didn't wanna talk about it,
maybe she thought she couldn't talk to me about it.
So I would try to say something to let her know she could talk to me
if she wanted to talk to me about it, like I'd ask her, I'd say,
"Hey, what are you, on your period or something?"
[audience laughing]
And she--
Yeah, that's not how you do that.
She would get so mad. "Why the fuck would you ask me that?"
"'Cause you're miserable?
And I would be too if I was stuffed with cotton."
[audience laughing]
She made it seem like it was a dumb guess.
Like, it was a good guess.
She had her period for a week every month.
It's like a one-in-four chance I'm right any time I ask that question.
[audience clapping]
It's not a stupid question.
If you knew that I smoke crack for one week every month...
and then you see me outside butt-naked in Timberlands,
trying to sell a refrigerator door...
[audience laughing, clapping]
"Che, are you smoking crack this week?"
"Why would you ask me that?
It's dismissive."
[audience laughing]
She called me toxic.
That's a rotten thing to call somebody, right?
Especially if it's true.
[audience laughs]
She left me and I don't-- I miss her-- I don't miss her.
I miss...
[audience chuckling]
I miss...
I miss all the work that I put into the relationship...
and now it's non-transferable.
[audience laughing]
You know what I mean?
Like when I date someone new, she's like, "You never take me anywhere,"
I can't be like, "What about that time I took my ex to her sister's wedding?"
[audience laughing]
I gotta start all over again.
I'm not gonna.
I'm not gonna start all over again. I quit.
I'm just gonna be single for the rest of my life.
I really am.
[audience applauding]
Just gonna grow old by myself.
I just bought a house from a couple of lesbians.
I said that wrong. Can we do it again?
I just bought a house from a lesbian couple.
[audience laughing]
We'll fix it.
It's a beautiful house upstate. It's in the country. Upstate New York.
I'm really excited about it, man.
It's too white, though. It's like the town is very fucking white.
It's so white. It's like...
me and one black bear, and that's...
[audience laughing]
That's it.
That is all.
I can't wait to meet this motherfucker, to be honest with you.
Finally. Somebody I can talk to.
Somebody that's not gonna cross the street when I...
He's gonna be so surprised.
Imagine when he sees me, he's like, "Oh, shit, when did you get here?
Where's your fur?
This nigga got alopecia."
[audience chuckling]
I didn't know black bear was a species.
I had no idea that that was a real fucking species.
Because we had a town meeting,
they said, "There was a black bear sighting in the neighborhood."
"Just say bear. You don't gotta be nasty about this shit."
[audience laughing]
They judge the motherfucker for being black.
[chuckles]
I was scared when I found out there's a black bear in my neighborhood.
I never seen no black bear. I'm from New York City.
You ever seen a bear?
"Do I have to shoot this motherfucker? What do I gotta do?"
But I found out what to do.
You know what to do if you ever encounter a bear?
You have to make yourself really big, and you gotta make a lot of noise.
Because a bear won't eat you if they think you're retarded.
-[audience laughing] -They would--
[chuckles]
What if that's true?
What if you do that and the bear's like, "Chill. Chill. Not him. Not him.
[audience laughing]
I'm not hungry no more.
Let's just eat some berries, man. Leave him alone."
That's not a nice word to say, I know. Uh...
But I only said it 'cause I thought it would make you laugh.
[audience laughs]
And it did. That's why I did it in Oakland.
[audience laughing, cheering]
'Cause you guys wanna be woke, but you don't know how.
I'm trying not-- I don't like to use that word.
I literally did it for a joke.
I don't like-- I don't like that word as much anymore.
I'm learning a lot.
I got a nephew who's just diagnosed with autism.
I'm really excited about it.
[audience chuckling]
I'm excited about it 'cause I didn't know that Black kids could get it.
[audience laughing]
Did you? I had no fucking...
They don't really diagnose Black kids' mental health, historically.
I don't know if you realized that.
They don't really diagnose us.
When I was growing up, there were two diagnoses of mental health.
We had "crazy"...
and we had "Ain't nothing wrong with that nigga."
[audience laughing]
And now we got autism, and I think that's progress.
They're finally checking in on Black mental health.
I'm sure I grew up with kids that had autism,
but nobody called it that.
"Ain't nothing wrong with that nigga, he just like to count."
"Uh...
[audience laughing]
I don't know if that's the whole story.
He's blinking an awful lot."
Black people know I'm not lying. They don't diagnose Black kids with shit.
I got an uncle who's deaf, we didn't know until he was 27 years old.
[audience laughing]
My grandmother's like, "Ain't nothing wrong with that nigga, he hear you."
I was like, "I don't-- I don't think he does.
He didn't flinch."
Of course I know Black people have mental-health issues.
You know how many Black girls I dated that's clearly bipolar?
[audience laughing]
Walking around like, "Ain't nothing wrong me. I'm just a Gemini."
You're like, "Uh-uh.
[audience laughing, applauding]
You need medicine, Keisha.
This ain't got shit to do with the moon. You bit me."
[audience laughing]
Now we know about mental health.
That's why it makes me happy.
But it also makes me sad.
I'm like, "You know how many niggas we could've helped
if we knew about mental health sooner?"
DMX was barking like a dog for 25 years. Nobody said shit.
[audience laughing]
"Ain't nothing wrong with that nigga, nigga just like dogs a lot."
Flavor Flav is 60 years old.
He wears a Viking helmet and a clock every day.
That's not nothing.
[audience cheering, laughing]
You know where I learned about mental health?
I realized this conversation was open for everybody.
You know where I learned about mental health? Sesame Street.
[audience applauding, cheering]
Yeah.
I did an episode of Sesame Street.
And when you do Sesame Street, they give you a tour of Sesame Street.
I was excited. I was raised on Sesame Street.
Sesame Street almost taught me how to read.
[audience laughs]
When I get there, the lady says,
"We have a lot of diverse puppets now on Sesame Street."
I was like, "Yeah, I know, you have Big Bird, a hairy elephant-- I get it."
She said, "No.
We have an African-American puppet.
We have a Latina puppet.
We have an HIV-positive puppet."
Yeah, I don't know how he got it either.
[audience laughing]
See--
Seems like a very strange and avoidable thing to give to a puppet.
I didn't ask any questions.
But the whole time I was thinking, "Who the fuck is raw-dogging puppets
on Sesame Street...
getting these niggas sick?
We gotta catch this motherfucker."
[audience laughing]
Then she goes, "And we have our first autistic puppet."
I was like, "First?"
[audience laughing]
Well, "first autistic puppet"
implies that all the other puppets are fine.
[audience chuckles]
I don't know if you remember Sesame Street,
they got this one nigga named the Count.
[audience laughing]
He dresses up like a vampire
and just counts all the shit in his apartment.
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]
I'm not a doctor...
but I'm pretty sure
he shouldn't be allowed to touch the stove.
[audience laughing]
Is it a good sign when the audience is covering their face during a show?
[audience laughs]
I didn't know about mental health. I'm learning about it now.
I know about crazy.
Now, crazy, I grew up with crazy. I've seen crazy, growing up.
But crazy is different.
'Cause there ain't no medicine for crazy.
Ain't no compassion for crazy.
You know what you get for crazy?
A nickname.
And that nickname's whatever your name already is
with the word "crazy" in front of it.
[audience laughing, clapping]
If your name is Joe, you're Crazy Joe.
That shit is not to help you, it's to warn others.
"Crazy Joe's wearing his trench coat in July.
Maybe we should cross the street."
In fact, the only time I heard the phrase "mental health"
is when a white guy does something fucking crazy.
Then you hear all about mental health. I don't care how crazy that shit is.
A white guy could shoot up a whole office building,
the first thing they ask on the news, "What was his mental health?"
Bad! I'm gonna say bad.
[audience laughing]
Put the puzzle away.
This motherfucker shot up an office he don't work at.
All the shootings and violence
that you hear about in Black neighborhoods...
that make you so afraid of us...
you've never heard anybody ask anything about mental health.
You've never heard...
[audience applauding]
It's true.
You never heard them on the news say, "Two Crips shoot up a liquor store
after a long battle with OCD."
[audience laughing]
It's not supposed to be funny,
that's just what I think a Crip would have, is OCD.
It's a grown-ass man who refuses to wear anything that's not blue.
[audience laughing]
"Ain't nothing wrong with that nigga, nigga just hate red.
Don't like his ears touched."
But now, they're looking into Black mental health.
It's a fucking different day.
There was a tennis player, Naomi Osaka, right?
[audience cheering, applauding]
She took a mental health break from the French Open.
That's fucking crazy.
I never heard of that.
Simone Biles took a mental health break from the Olympics.
[audience cheering, applauding]
I know you're clapping, but do you realize how progressive that shit actually is?
[audience cheering]
You can't even take a mental health break from the Special Olympics.
[audience laughing]
Niggas get mental health breaks now. This is fucking awesome news.
Not just mental health, for anything.
We could be bipolar...
Didn't Kanye say he's bipolar?
He doesn't have to worry about being attacked by a bear any time soon.
[audience laughing]
Niggas have anxiety now.
You know how white a lady you had to be to get anxiety before?
[audience laughing]
Now I could get it too. Thanks, Obama.
[audience laughing, applauding]
This is an incredible time.
I know a nigga diagnosed with depression. I'm so proud of him.
[audience laughing]
That's the most privileged disease of all.
White people hate when I say that shit.
I say depression is a privileged disease
because it implies your life is good enough
that you shouldn't be sad.
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding, cheering]
That's not something Black people could claim for years.
I don't know if you guys are history buffs.
Imagine two slaves in a cotton field,
and one of them was like, "Hey, man, what's wrong?
[audience laughing]
You seem down."
"Yeah, master says I got seasonal depression.
[audience laughing, clapping]
He said these pills are gonna take my cotton-picking blues away."
Imagine that. Right?
All these years in this fucking country, 400 years of bullshit.
And Black people...
finally have mental health issues.
What a coincidence.
You know why I think they don't like to diagnose Black mental health?
'Cause then they'd have to tell us
what's making us so fucking sick in the first place.
[audience cheering, applauding]
I don't want this show to end sad.
Don't you hate when comedy ends sad?
[audience cheers]
Feel like a fucking Lizzo post or something.
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]
I remember my ex told me something-- This is the last time I'll bring her up.
[audience laughs]
One time she said, "I can't expect the thing that's making me sick
to make me better."
And, uh, I said...
"What are you, on your period or something?"
[audience laughing, clapping]
All right. Let's cut it. Good night.
[audience cheering, applauding]
[cheering, applause continues]