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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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‪（NETFLIX 喜劇特輯）

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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{\an8}‪（白橡樹音樂廳）

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‪各位先生女士們

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‪可以感受到這股興奮的氣氛吧！

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‪歡迎來到德州休士頓！

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‪廢話不多說，好戲上演啦！

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‪我是強森

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‪人稱巨石強森

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‪西班牙文是拉羅加

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‪同時也是世界最性感的渾蛋

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‪這不重要啦！重要的是

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‪你們都是來這裡看某人的

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‪他在你們都知道的一個地方打招呼

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‪賓果，就是艾利芙區！

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‪大家都稱之為斯沃特

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‪很多大咖都是出身於此

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‪比如麗珠、碧昂絲跟崔維斯史考特

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‪還有一個人也是

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‪不過你們不知道他是哪位

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‪就是眾人唯一的冠軍，巨石強森我！

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‪今晚我剛離開斯沃特

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‪明天我會從其他地方連線

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‪很可能就夏威夷吧！對啦！

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‪現在最重要的事情是

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‪我很榮幸能介紹這位

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‪萬眾矚目的傢伙

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‪休士頓的各位先生女士們

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‪給他來一個

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‪溫暖道地的休士頓歡呼

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‪來迎接這位別人的冠軍！
‪我的小伙子，也是你們的小伙子！

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‪穆阿瑪爾！

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‪休士頓的大家，你們好嗎？

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‪好啦！冷靜冷靜！

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‪大家坐！

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‪我們辦到了

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‪我們辦到了，各位！

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‪終於來到現場也太讚了！

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‪我們終於齊聚一堂
‪過了十九個月的苦日子

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‪我們終於來了，跟大家碰面

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‪作為一名脫口秀表演者

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‪老實說，我認為疫情已經過去了

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‪然後我們就來啦！這是第二次

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‪我想過我的職涯大概要完蛋了

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‪第一次

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‪就是九一一之後

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‪畢竟我叫穆罕默德
‪我就想：“我出門好像不太好”

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‪其實我家人就對我開第一槍了

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‪我自己的哥哥就這樣死盯著我雙眼說
‪“你的職涯完蛋了”

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‪我這樣回他
‪“你怎能對我說這種屁話？

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‪你知道我一直都想做脫口秀表演”

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‪他接著說
‪“你看新聞都是怎麼說我們的

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‪沒人想看穆罕默德在台上講笑話

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‪你的職涯完蛋了”

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‪我說：“奧瑪，你是機長耶！”

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‪我還跟巨石強森拍了電影

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‪你的臉腫不腫啊！你懂我意思嗎？

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‪哇

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‪那風波過去了嗎？

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‪疫情結束了嗎？

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‪真假啊？

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‪但結束的是什麼？

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‪真的啦，我就問是不是真的結束了？

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‪我總是隨時能哭就哭，該笑就笑

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‪我就想這是真的嗎？

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‪你知道什麼事情更真嗎？離婚

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‪離婚真的是他媽的糟透了

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‪離婚是很真實的

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‪我在疫情期間離婚了

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‪事情就這樣發生了，你能怎樣？

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‪我們就…單身快樂！

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‪事情不是像你們聽過的
‪那種“去死吧賤人”的狀況

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‪就只是走不下去了，懂我意思嗎？

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‪沒關係的

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‪只是結婚時間久了
‪會有一些特定習慣

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‪有天晚上我睡超死的

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‪接著突然我就拼命放屁

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‪放到我自己醒來都不好意思

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‪就像這樣

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‪我就往左邊看，然後道歉

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‪但沒有人躺在那裡

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‪我轉回去大哭，就像這樣

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‪我馬上把這件糗事寫下來
‪我就想：“太荒謬了”

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‪真的離婚了？真的嗎？

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‪真的離啦？

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‪我不知道

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‪媽的

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‪這就是我

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‪一直以來都有的感覺

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‪疫情，你們知道的

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‪媒體帶給我們的影響

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‪老實說根本無法原諒

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‪因為真的影響很大，就像這樣

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‪“驚死你喔！”

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‪“來了！”，“什麼東西要來？”
‪“不知道，就是有東西要來了”

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‪“三個人確診了”，“什麼？”

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‪“來了！”，“什麼東西要來？”

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‪“跟蝙蝠有關的”

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‪“不知道啦！”
‪“蝙蝠要來？”，“才不是！”

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‪“那玩意是從蝙蝠身上來的

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‪而且光用眼睛是看不到的

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‪可是那東西要來了

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‪你們全都會掛掉

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‪不過別怕”

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‪“別…”，“你什麼意思？”
‪“什麼？”，“我很怕”

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‪“我很擔心”
‪“免煩惱，去買漂白水就好

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‪你沒事啦！

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‪漂白水買越多越好

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‪但是高樂氏漂白水

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‪不用再用漂白水消毒了

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‪可以直接用高樂氏漂白水，懂嗎？

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‪收包裹時要用

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‪用好用滿”

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‪他們把我們搞得烏煙瘴氣的

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‪我們就這樣：“亞馬遜東西來了”

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‪“沒事啦！通風通風就好”

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‪“戴上口罩”，“幾個？”

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‪病毒一直在變化

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‪戴上口罩，她說研究顯示

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‪“一個口罩有大概33%的保護力

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‪兩個口罩就有66%的保護力

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‪三個口罩就有97%的保護力”

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‪那塑膠袋保護力不就百分百？

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‪把你自己殺了，窒息而死

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‪“不！我們又有人死於新冠肺炎了”

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‪“才沒有，老兄

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‪是死於塑膠袋，他把自己悶死了！”

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‪“好好待在家，我們會想出辦法”

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‪“待在家”，“多久？”
‪“不知道”

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‪“我想要幾個月吧！”

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‪“所以是幾個月？”
‪“就是幾個月，我不知道幾個月

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‪幾個月就好”

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‪“所以是幾個月？”
‪“我們不知道”

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‪“你們不是應該要知道嗎？”
‪“對”

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‪“但我們就是不知道”

137
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‪“就是幾個月時間，好好待在家”

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‪“那我得去工作”
‪他們說：“工作不用幹了啦！

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‪還做什麼工作啊！”

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‪“你為什麼說不用工作？

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‪我不用付房租嗎？”
‪“等等，別激動

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‪這就是資本主義而已，沒什麼

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‪你還有房租要付”

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‪“那等等，那我得去工…
‪那給我送錢吧！知道吧？”

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‪“給我錢”，“才不呢！你嗑藥啦？
‪說什麼瘋話？

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‪我們不能送錢給你，萬一…

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‪你在說什麼？我們沒辦法…

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‪送你…”
‪“兄弟，你講話怎麼卡成這樣？

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‪給我錢就是了”，“我們沒錢好嗎？

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‪一毛錢都沒…”，“你在說什麼？”

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‪“我們送你錢，但是要這麼辦喔！

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‪我們送你錢，你自己分配喔！

153
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‪什麼開銷多少錢，是吧？社會保險

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‪醫療保險、買藥等等
‪你自己分門別類

155
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‪我敢說你有雨天基金吧！”

156
00:08:06,527 --> 00:08:08,821
‪“老兄，雨天基金可是必備吧！

157
00:08:08,905 --> 00:08:10,907
‪外面下的可是傾盆大雨

158
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‪這他媽該死的亂吹暴風季

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‪七個颶風一起來

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‪他媽的快給我錢啦！”

161
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‪“我得坦白跟你說
‪我們破產了喔！”

162
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‪“你怎麼會破產？
‪你可是聯邦政府耶！”

163
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‪“我知道啊！

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‪但我們就負債在身

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‪就是有負債嘛！

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‪欠超多錢的好嗎！”

167
00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:35,264
‪“欠多少？”，“就是有欠錢嘛”

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‪“就…”
‪“我知道什麼叫負債，老兄

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‪你就說個數字”，“欠很多

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‪欠很多，欠超多”

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‪“你就痛快說出來，到底多少？”

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‪“二十兆美元”

173
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‪“二十兆美元？

174
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:55,117
‪收支帳務誰管的？

175
00:08:55,201 --> 00:08:59,330
‪MC哈默？那是誰在管總帳？

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‪你是怎麼搞到欠了二十兆美元？”

177
00:09:03,876 --> 00:09:07,505
‪“掃蕩棕色人種很花錢啊！

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‪喔！

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‪真的好傷荷包！

180
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‪就是這麼花錢

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‪那你就明白我們無法給你錢了吧！

182
00:09:19,183 --> 00:09:23,688
‪我們負債，透支帳單又不斷累積

183
00:09:23,771 --> 00:09:26,399
‪那怎麼從債坑挖錢給你？”

184
00:09:26,482 --> 00:09:27,817
‪“什麼，凱爾？

185
00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:29,902
‪股市要崩盤？

186
00:09:29,986 --> 00:09:32,446
‪天殺的，凱爾！印鈔機開下去暖機

187
00:09:32,530 --> 00:09:34,532
‪他媽的印鈔機開下去暖機啦！

188
00:09:34,615 --> 00:09:37,159
‪那三十兆美元就蒸發了

189
00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:41,330
‪我們來設計龐氏騙局！
‪那就是搞股市啊！”

190
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‪因為股市直接反映

191
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‪全國各地的美式心態

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00:09:47,503 --> 00:09:49,255
‪箭頭朝下就表示

193
00:09:49,338 --> 00:09:53,217
‪美國各地人民的心靈向下沉淪

194
00:09:53,301 --> 00:09:55,469
‪“可是你看有用耶！箭頭往上了！

195
00:09:55,553 --> 00:09:57,597
‪美國人又開心了！

196
00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:59,849
‪股市指數飆高，直衝天際耶！”

197
00:09:59,932 --> 00:10:02,935
‪“等等，怎麼會直衝天際？

198
00:10:03,019 --> 00:10:05,688
‪我們都在家，我以為…

199
00:10:08,733 --> 00:10:09,609
‪所以怎麼會…

200
00:10:12,945 --> 00:10:14,530
‪怎麼會…

201
00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:16,282
‪箭頭為什麼會往上？

202
00:10:16,365 --> 00:10:18,826
‪我以為那是基於收入來源

203
00:10:18,909 --> 00:10:22,163
‪跟季度收益在運作
‪可是沒人工作啊！

204
00:10:22,246 --> 00:10:23,873
‪我還有亞馬遜啊，靠！

205
00:10:23,956 --> 00:10:27,084
‪人人在家下訂單，當然直衝天際

206
00:10:27,168 --> 00:10:30,796
‪傑夫貝佐斯
‪真是又靠夭又謝謝你喔！

207
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:33,007
‪但老兄，為什麼指數持續成長？”

208
00:10:33,090 --> 00:10:36,427
‪“我認為是因為錢一直流進來
‪而大家都在家裡”

209
00:10:36,510 --> 00:10:38,346
‪“拜託，老兄，少說屁話啦！

210
00:10:38,429 --> 00:10:40,931
‪你就看箭頭就好，老天
‪你不能就閉上你的狗嘴

211
00:10:41,015 --> 00:10:43,100
‪開心地看箭頭往上衝就好嗎？”

212
00:10:43,184 --> 00:10:45,603
‪“辦不到，老兄，我們需要錢”

213
00:10:45,686 --> 00:10:47,813
‪“給你一千二美金，封口費啊！

214
00:10:47,897 --> 00:10:49,815
‪他媽的給我閉嘴！”

215
00:10:53,903 --> 00:10:56,864
‪“謝啦，這夠我一星期的生活費
‪太謝謝了！

216
00:10:56,947 --> 00:10:58,240
‪別想轉移我的焦點

217
00:10:58,324 --> 00:11:00,785
‪怎麼股市指數真的往上？

218
00:11:00,868 --> 00:11:02,703
‪一堆人無家可歸
‪不是沒解決過嗎？”

219
00:11:02,787 --> 00:11:05,122
‪“看來這世上真的有外星人
‪你好好想想看！”

220
00:11:05,206 --> 00:11:06,624
‪“什麼？”

221
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:11,128
‪“你跟他們說話？”
‪“對啊，一直都有，超瘋狂的

222
00:11:11,212 --> 00:11:14,799
‪你就看箭頭就好”
‪“鼻要咧，明明還有很多人失業

223
00:11:14,882 --> 00:11:17,593
‪五千萬人沒工作耶！

224
00:11:17,676 --> 00:11:20,554
‪老兄，箭頭怎麼會往上？”

225
00:11:20,638 --> 00:11:22,932
‪“威爾史密斯的老婆潔達出軌了
‪你好好想想看！”

226
00:11:23,557 --> 00:11:25,101
‪“什麼？

227
00:11:25,184 --> 00:11:27,520
‪潔達怎麼會呢？

228
00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:29,271
‪究竟怎麼了？”

229
00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:32,149
‪“就是有段糾纏不清的關係
‪不知道啦，總之很失控

230
00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:33,692
‪就看箭頭就好

231
00:11:33,776 --> 00:11:35,403
‪他媽的看箭頭就好啊！”
‪“就不要！

232
00:11:35,486 --> 00:11:37,822
‪別想轉移我的焦點，老兄

233
00:11:37,905 --> 00:11:40,032
‪為什麼指數持續成長？
‪你自己解釋一下”

234
00:11:40,116 --> 00:11:42,201
‪“聽著，我有內部消息跟你說

235
00:11:42,284 --> 00:11:44,453
‪加密貨幣”

236
00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:46,455
‪“加密貨幣究竟是什麼鬼？”

237
00:11:47,081 --> 00:11:49,708
‪“就是電腦裡面有一群小小人

238
00:11:49,792 --> 00:11:52,211
‪他們就一直挖礦，挖啊挖

239
00:11:52,294 --> 00:11:54,088
‪把虛擬貨幣挖出來咩！

240
00:11:54,171 --> 00:11:57,007
‪你要做的事情就是把真的虛擬貨幣

241
00:11:57,091 --> 00:11:58,509
‪轉移到

242
00:11:59,510 --> 00:12:01,137
‪更多的虛擬貨幣裡

243
00:12:01,220 --> 00:12:03,055
‪然後你要做的事情就是一次性轉移

244
00:12:03,139 --> 00:12:05,933
‪你有了更多真的虛擬貨幣
‪就把貨幣轉移到這邊

245
00:12:06,016 --> 00:12:07,143
‪你重複做這件事就好”

246
00:12:07,726 --> 00:12:09,270
‪“我整個霧煞煞”

247
00:12:09,353 --> 00:12:11,939
‪“老兄，我又聽到一則小道消息
‪報你知，非同質化代幣”

248
00:12:12,022 --> 00:12:14,233
‪“非同質化代幣是什麼東東？”

249
00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:17,862
‪“它是區塊鍊，持有權…”

250
00:12:17,945 --> 00:12:21,031
‪“夠啦！我要戴上塑膠袋
‪結束這一局！去他媽的！”

251
00:12:27,204 --> 00:12:28,664
‪真的假的？

252
00:12:29,832 --> 00:12:31,375
‪新冠肺炎是真的

253
00:12:32,084 --> 00:12:34,753
‪我得過了
‪戴夫夏普爾傳給我的，就是這樣

254
00:12:36,464 --> 00:12:38,090
‪那是第二次了

255
00:12:38,966 --> 00:12:42,303
‪第一次是疫情剛開始時，他聯繫我

256
00:12:42,386 --> 00:12:44,180
‪他說：“阿莫，你說說
‪你最近都做什麼？”

257
00:12:44,263 --> 00:12:46,724
‪我就回他：“阿災！
‪如果你有看新聞，應該心中有數”

258
00:12:46,807 --> 00:12:49,268
‪“我就像寵物犬關在家，就這樣”

259
00:12:49,351 --> 00:12:52,521
‪“那是你，我們都關在家裡
‪我不知道你有沒有在看電視”

260
00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:54,523
‪他就回我：“對啊
‪你可不能讓他們擊潰我們”

261
00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:56,025
‪我回他說：“老兄，我們早就垮了

262
00:12:56,108 --> 00:12:59,278
‪全國崩潰”

263
00:12:59,361 --> 00:13:00,779
‪他就回我：“所以我才聯繫你

264
00:13:00,863 --> 00:13:04,283
‪我要去俄亥俄州玉米田那邊參演”

265
00:13:04,366 --> 00:13:07,495
‪我回他說：“我不確定，老兄
‪這聽起來不太好

266
00:13:07,578 --> 00:13:08,954
‪我不知道要不要去”
‪他回我說：“別擔心

267
00:13:09,038 --> 00:13:11,415
‪我們每三天就快篩一次

268
00:13:11,499 --> 00:13:14,752
‪安啦！我們會全力防疫
‪當然沒有什麼事是絕對的

269
00:13:14,835 --> 00:13:16,295
‪我們會全力防疫，每三天…”

270
00:13:16,378 --> 00:13:19,507
‪我回他說
‪“老兄，你是有快篩機嗎？

271
00:13:19,590 --> 00:13:21,926
‪現在疫情才剛開始耶！

272
00:13:22,593 --> 00:13:25,262
‪你怎麼弄到快篩機的？”
‪然後他就起肖了

273
00:13:25,346 --> 00:13:28,516
‪“小黑，我可是戴夫夏普爾
‪我當然搞得到…”

274
00:13:29,767 --> 00:13:31,393
‪我就說：“有道理”

275
00:13:32,019 --> 00:13:33,312
‪還真有道理

276
00:13:34,313 --> 00:13:37,650
‪所以我們就去了，我去了俄亥俄州

277
00:13:37,733 --> 00:13:39,902
‪那真的是很盛大的表演

278
00:13:39,985 --> 00:13:43,155
‪一場接一場，大概有四個月之久

279
00:13:43,239 --> 00:13:44,406
‪我們幾乎快完成所有表演時

280
00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:46,617
‪疫情爆發了，我們不得不喊停

281
00:13:46,700 --> 00:13:48,661
‪後來他把這個橋段拍成紀錄片

282
00:13:48,744 --> 00:13:50,579
‪真的是很精彩的紀錄片

283
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:53,207
‪我在無線電城音樂廳看完了

284
00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:55,292
‪是我第一次看

285
00:13:55,376 --> 00:13:57,419
‪我看的時候還想：“等等

286
00:13:57,503 --> 00:13:59,922
‪電影最後弄得好像

287
00:14:00,005 --> 00:14:02,758
‪我他媽的搞砸整個派對了”

288
00:14:02,841 --> 00:14:06,011
‪我確診了，所有活動不得不中斷

289
00:14:06,095 --> 00:14:07,680
‪因為我當時無法演出了

290
00:14:07,763 --> 00:14:09,139
‪我就說：“修但幾咧！”

291
00:14:09,223 --> 00:14:10,683
‪我走向戴夫，然後說：“戴夫

292
00:14:10,766 --> 00:14:12,726
‪你剪輯這部電影的方式

293
00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:15,396
‪讓穆罕默德好像成了
‪這個狀況的始作俑者

294
00:14:16,063 --> 00:14:17,731
‪事實並非如此，老兄
‪我什麼都沒做啊！”

295
00:14:17,815 --> 00:14:19,858
‪他說：“老兄，沒人會這麼想你”

296
00:14:19,942 --> 00:14:21,527
‪就在他走開之後

297
00:14:21,610 --> 00:14:23,070
‪布萊德利庫柏走過來找我

298
00:14:23,153 --> 00:14:25,447
‪他說：“老兄，這真的太超過

299
00:14:25,531 --> 00:14:28,325
‪你怎能就這樣
‪毀了俄亥俄州的派對？”

300
00:14:28,409 --> 00:14:29,827
‪我心想：“不是我的錯啊！

301
00:14:29,910 --> 00:14:32,913
‪一個得獎的電影製片
‪看到什麼就會如實說出來

302
00:14:32,997 --> 00:14:35,374
‪不是吧！”，可是那不是我的錯

303
00:14:35,457 --> 00:14:38,168
‪當時在場還有一位瘦小的女士
‪她身高真的很不高

304
00:14:38,252 --> 00:14:40,296
‪她說：“毛手毛腳”
‪她真的就說我“毛手毛腳”

305
00:14:40,379 --> 00:14:43,132
‪但是她一直對我上下其手
‪一邊說：“阿莫你好…

306
00:14:43,215 --> 00:14:45,634
‪你好…”，然後手一直摸

307
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:47,469
‪我就說：“麻煩一下，不要再摸了

308
00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:51,098
‪首先現在是疫情期間
‪我覺得這樣不好

309
00:14:51,181 --> 00:14:52,725
‪不要再摸我了”

310
00:14:52,808 --> 00:14:56,020
‪然後她就對著我的臉，故意假咳

311
00:14:56,103 --> 00:14:57,021
‪像這樣

312
00:14:57,104 --> 00:14:59,565
‪我說：“我蠻喜歡黑色笑話

313
00:14:59,648 --> 00:15:01,358
‪但這一點都不好笑！

314
00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:04,236
‪這不好玩，去你的！一點都不！”

315
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:06,280
‪三天後

316
00:15:06,363 --> 00:15:07,990
‪她快篩陽性

317
00:15:08,657 --> 00:15:11,118
‪我就想：“我早就知道
‪她是以色列人，我就知道！”

318
00:15:12,202 --> 00:15:13,495
‪我就知道！

319
00:15:14,496 --> 00:15:15,664
‪我就知道！

320
00:15:19,668 --> 00:15:22,004
‪他們在好萊塢開會

321
00:15:22,087 --> 00:15:25,090
‪就這樣說
‪“巴勒斯坦人越來越厲害了

322
00:15:26,342 --> 00:15:29,011
‪給他送一隻不起眼的小精靈

323
00:15:29,094 --> 00:15:31,221
‪用新冠病毒幹掉他”

324
00:15:31,805 --> 00:15:33,766
‪“我他媽的撐過來了
‪媽的！我活下來了！”

325
00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:37,186
‪這就是我第一次確診的經歷

326
00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:39,521
‪第二次

327
00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:42,107
‪戴夫夏普爾又打給我

328
00:15:42,191 --> 00:15:43,525
‪說：“老兄，你最近在幹嘛？”

329
00:15:43,609 --> 00:15:45,569
‪我回
‪“得了新冠肺炎，還在復原中”

330
00:15:48,197 --> 00:15:49,740
‪他說：“我要去奧斯汀表演

331
00:15:49,823 --> 00:15:52,076
‪喬羅根也會上台

332
00:15:52,159 --> 00:15:53,202
‪絕對是世紀好秀

333
00:15:53,285 --> 00:15:56,956
‪你也應該來”，我說：“戴夫
‪我不知道這行不行得通

334
00:15:57,039 --> 00:15:59,124
‪畢竟我已經有過一次經驗”

335
00:16:00,501 --> 00:16:01,835
‪他說：“安啦！這次不一樣

336
00:16:01,919 --> 00:16:03,462
‪這次我們每天都會篩

337
00:16:03,545 --> 00:16:06,632
‪上次是每三天一次
‪這次我們天天快篩

338
00:16:06,715 --> 00:16:07,925
‪我們會揪出確診的傢伙

339
00:16:08,008 --> 00:16:09,510
‪把她關到衣櫥裡去”

340
00:16:10,427 --> 00:16:13,055
‪“你說的對”，我回他說
‪“管他的，就上吧！”

341
00:16:15,099 --> 00:16:17,101
‪我們大概表演了十天吧！

342
00:16:17,184 --> 00:16:19,061
‪戴夫走過來跟我說

343
00:16:19,144 --> 00:16:21,021
‪“兄弟，我從傑斯那邊拿到捲菸”

344
00:16:21,105 --> 00:16:24,274
‪我說：“什麼？”
‪他說：“對，傑斯給我捲菸”

345
00:16:24,358 --> 00:16:25,442
‪我說：“傑斯來了？”

346
00:16:25,526 --> 00:16:27,653
‪他說：“不是，傑斯有間大麻公司

347
00:16:27,736 --> 00:16:29,405
‪他給我送了這些捲菸”

348
00:16:30,698 --> 00:16:34,201
‪“你來嗎？
‪開你的車去晃晃，一起抽大麻”

349
00:16:34,284 --> 00:16:37,204
‪我心想：“靠，戴夫夏普爾
‪從傑斯那裡拿到捲菸

350
00:16:37,287 --> 00:16:39,415
‪跑來問穆阿瑪爾要不要一起抽

351
00:16:39,498 --> 00:16:41,875
‪你說的沒錯，我要去抽大麻！”

352
00:16:48,757 --> 00:16:51,301
‪然後我們就開車去兜風，他點了捲菸

353
00:16:51,385 --> 00:16:52,469
‪真是千金難買早知道

354
00:16:52,553 --> 00:16:55,931
‪因為他吸了一點，然後他就這樣

355
00:16:58,392 --> 00:16:59,476
‪我說：“戴夫，你沒事吧？”

356
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:01,270
‪他說：“沒事啦！哪有什麼事！

357
00:17:01,353 --> 00:17:05,357
‪我很好，傑斯的大麻
‪讓你能像傑斯一樣

358
00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:06,483
‪‘傑爽啦！’”

359
00:17:12,614 --> 00:17:14,950
‪我也抽了捲菸，抽了幾支之後

360
00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:16,452
‪“傑爽透透啦！”

361
00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:18,495
‪吸一口

362
00:17:18,579 --> 00:17:20,664
‪我們哈哈大笑，那次兜風真的很開心

363
00:17:20,748 --> 00:17:24,334
‪然後我送戴夫回飯店
‪因為還有三十分鐘就要上台表演

364
00:17:24,418 --> 00:17:26,795
‪然後我給他寫訊息說：“老兄

365
00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:28,130
‪要不要我過去接你？

366
00:17:28,213 --> 00:17:30,549
‪有特別來賓嗎？
‪我要不要晚點過去？”

367
00:17:30,632 --> 00:17:32,843
‪他什麼都沒回
‪我心想：“不對勁喔！

368
00:17:32,926 --> 00:17:35,512
‪戴夫，你剛剛才下車
‪怎麼不說話？”

369
00:17:35,596 --> 00:17:36,805
‪後來就有朋友

370
00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:39,266
‪開始傳訊息給我說
‪有幾星期沒聽到戴夫的消息

371
00:17:39,349 --> 00:17:41,351
‪他們問我：“戴夫沒事吧？”

372
00:17:41,435 --> 00:17:42,603
‪我說：“很好，他沒事

373
00:17:42,686 --> 00:17:44,521
‪你們不瞭他啦！
‪我對他可是瞭若指掌

374
00:17:44,605 --> 00:17:46,106
‪你們問這什麼問題？

375
00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:47,024
‪我們才一起出去玩”

376
00:17:47,107 --> 00:17:48,525
‪然後他們傳了一個連結給我

377
00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:49,860
‪我就想：“這什麼東西？”

378
00:17:49,943 --> 00:17:51,904
‪所以我就點開連結看個究竟

379
00:17:51,987 --> 00:17:54,364
‪是TMZ八卦網站首頁新聞

380
00:17:54,448 --> 00:17:57,242
‪“戴夫夏普爾新冠快篩陽性”

381
00:17:57,826 --> 00:17:59,536
‪然後我心想：“這不是真的吧？”

382
00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:01,580
‪接著我想到：“挫賽！

383
00:18:01,663 --> 00:18:05,084
‪TMZ在這種鳥事上從不出錯！”

384
00:18:05,167 --> 00:18:07,377
‪我就想：“他們怎麼會比我早知道？

385
00:18:07,461 --> 00:18:09,379
‪我才剛送戴夫回去耶！

386
00:18:09,463 --> 00:18:11,632
‪他先打給我，後面才打給他們！

387
00:18:11,715 --> 00:18:13,717
‪完了！真他媽的完了！”

388
00:18:13,801 --> 00:18:15,219
‪然後他不想認帳

389
00:18:15,302 --> 00:18:19,098
‪我走向他說：“戴夫
‪你真他媽的混帳讓我二次確診！”

390
00:18:19,181 --> 00:18:22,434
‪他就回我說：“阿莫
‪又沒有辦法證明是我傳染給你”

391
00:18:25,854 --> 00:18:30,567
‪我說：“兄弟，你確診那天
‪我跟你一起抽大麻耶！

392
00:18:30,651 --> 00:18:32,986
‪就在你快篩結果
‪出來前幾分鐘耶！”

393
00:18:33,070 --> 00:18:35,155
‪他陷入沉默一會，接著他說

394
00:18:36,573 --> 00:18:38,700
‪“兄弟，對不起
‪我把新冠病毒傳給你”

395
00:18:42,287 --> 00:18:44,790
‪然後他繼續說
‪“麥生氣啦！又不是得愛滋！”

396
00:18:44,873 --> 00:18:46,542
‪然後他就這樣來回踱步

397
00:18:52,756 --> 00:18:54,216
‪事情就到此為止嗎？

398
00:18:54,299 --> 00:18:55,592
‪有嗎？

399
00:19:03,934 --> 00:19:07,146
‪我真是受夠了，確診兩次耶！

400
00:19:07,229 --> 00:19:09,857
‪免疫學家佛奇說：“這世上

401
00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:11,650
‪只有七個人確診兩次…”

402
00:19:11,733 --> 00:19:12,693
‪叭噗啦！

403
00:19:12,776 --> 00:19:16,071
‪我是很特別沒錯
‪但佛奇，我也不是萬中選一吧！

404
00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:18,574
‪真是夠了，兩次耶！

405
00:19:18,657 --> 00:19:20,450
‪而且我還接種疫苗了，真是夠了！

406
00:19:20,534 --> 00:19:22,661
‪我真的受夠了，我打了輝瑞疫苗

407
00:19:22,744 --> 00:19:23,579
‪我就想打輝瑞疫苗

408
00:19:23,662 --> 00:19:27,249
‪人各有所好，我就愛輝瑞

409
00:19:27,332 --> 00:19:30,544
‪我就要像德國科學家一樣
‪愛怎樣就怎樣，你們懂我意思吧？

410
00:19:30,627 --> 00:19:33,881
‪我就要像他們那樣
‪“打輝瑞宋嗎？宋啦！

411
00:19:34,464 --> 00:19:36,925
‪我們已經知道新冠病毒源自武漢

412
00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:39,803
‪但我們超前部署

413
00:19:39,887 --> 00:19:42,055
‪沒錯！我們有疫苗！輝瑞疫苗！”

414
00:19:42,139 --> 00:19:44,600
‪那就是我想打的疫苗，我想打的…

415
00:19:44,683 --> 00:19:45,642
‪什麼東西？

416
00:19:47,102 --> 00:19:48,103
‪“讚啦！

417
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:52,149
‪好險我們已經有輝瑞

418
00:19:52,232 --> 00:19:55,027
‪你打輝瑞？我打輝瑞啊！”

419
00:19:55,903 --> 00:19:58,947
‪我才不打嬌生疫苗，門都沒有！

420
00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:02,534
‪我都不用他們其他的常規產品了

421
00:20:04,328 --> 00:20:07,372
‪為了讓我過得舒舒服服
‪他們真的是做了很多付出

422
00:20:07,998 --> 00:20:10,876
‪你要我告訴你說
‪“嬌生產品裡都是什麼成份啊？”

423
00:20:10,959 --> 00:20:12,461
‪“我不知道耶！

424
00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:15,297
‪好像就從放了點蛇毒開始吧！

425
00:20:16,256 --> 00:20:20,761
‪然後我們就往裡面
‪加嬌生爽膚粉讓它變稠

426
00:20:20,844 --> 00:20:23,305
‪再加點嬌生嬰兒油

427
00:20:23,388 --> 00:20:25,724
‪讓它變稀一點

428
00:20:25,807 --> 00:20:27,768
‪然後把天殺的小嬰兒放進去

429
00:20:27,851 --> 00:20:30,103
‪就整隻加進去

430
00:20:30,187 --> 00:20:34,024
‪最後加點野生火雞，充當賣點來收尾

431
00:20:34,107 --> 00:20:35,192
‪你懂我說什麼吧？”

432
00:20:39,154 --> 00:20:42,491
‪“我要打幾劑？”
‪“不用打，嘴對嘴灌進去就好

433
00:20:42,574 --> 00:20:44,785
‪你現在來試試啊…”

434
00:20:46,119 --> 00:20:48,121
‪真的太荒謬，我才…

435
00:20:48,205 --> 00:20:49,957
‪荒謬到我都…

436
00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:53,293
‪比如說疫苗還有地方口音，根本就…

437
00:20:53,377 --> 00:20:54,795
‪莫德…

438
00:20:54,878 --> 00:20:59,216
‪莫德納是什麼？某丟啦！

439
00:20:59,299 --> 00:21:01,468
‪“老兄，你打了那個‘某丟啦’嗎？

440
00:21:01,551 --> 00:21:06,306
‪打一劑，你就能在你馬子面前
‪重振雄風，兄弟衝了啦！”

441
00:21:07,933 --> 00:21:09,142
‪丟啦！

442
00:21:17,567 --> 00:21:18,527
‪媽的！

443
00:21:19,236 --> 00:21:21,071
‪我心裡就這麼覺得的

444
00:21:24,491 --> 00:21:27,411
‪真的，我就這種感覺
‪疫情以來都這樣，媽的

445
00:21:28,578 --> 00:21:30,247
‪這段日子都是，我就覺得

446
00:21:30,330 --> 00:21:31,915
‪媽的！

447
00:21:33,458 --> 00:21:37,838
‪就是在你們面前講“媽的”也不貼切

448
00:21:37,921 --> 00:21:39,214
‪不夠有力

449
00:21:39,298 --> 00:21:41,633
‪你要是會說別的語言

450
00:21:41,717 --> 00:21:43,218
‪你就知道

451
00:21:43,302 --> 00:21:45,887
‪英文這個語言

452
00:21:45,971 --> 00:21:48,181
‪根本是個毛都沒長齊的小子

453
00:21:48,849 --> 00:21:51,101
‪真的，英文是很新的語言

454
00:21:51,184 --> 00:21:53,937
‪像我懂阿拉伯文
‪阿拉伯文就是很古老的語言

455
00:21:54,604 --> 00:21:57,482
‪英文就像新生嬰兒一樣，想要長大

456
00:21:57,566 --> 00:22:00,152
‪直到有一天像阿拉伯文一樣

457
00:22:00,235 --> 00:22:01,945
‪那它就…

458
00:22:02,029 --> 00:22:04,239
‪這其實沒有什麼

459
00:22:05,615 --> 00:22:08,702
‪英語就像嬰兒，不是很…

460
00:22:08,785 --> 00:22:11,330
‪它沒有什麼深度可言

461
00:22:11,413 --> 00:22:13,081
‪不是很有力量的語言，像是“媽的”

462
00:22:13,165 --> 00:22:15,751
‪沒感覺啊！
‪重點在於感嘆句那種爆發力

463
00:22:15,834 --> 00:22:17,711
‪阿拉伯文就算是打招呼

464
00:22:17,794 --> 00:22:19,629
‪也是落落長

465
00:22:19,713 --> 00:22:22,132
‪打招呼好比說：“願你平安”

466
00:22:22,215 --> 00:22:24,092
‪“也願你平安”

467
00:22:24,176 --> 00:22:26,720
‪“願阿拉憐憫你”

468
00:22:26,803 --> 00:22:29,264
‪“願阿拉也憐憫你”

469
00:22:29,348 --> 00:22:31,516
‪“願聖光與你同在”

470
00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:33,393
‪“願聖光也與你同在”

471
00:22:33,477 --> 00:22:35,729
‪“願神庇佑你與你一家…”

472
00:22:35,812 --> 00:22:38,732
‪“先生，我能買完這包菸就走嗎？”

473
00:22:41,026 --> 00:22:41,985
‪真的很長啦！

474
00:22:43,070 --> 00:22:45,322
‪超級囉嗦！英文打招呼
‪就只是：“你好，呵呵！”

475
00:22:45,405 --> 00:22:46,865
‪就這樣，沒了

476
00:22:47,991 --> 00:22:49,076
‪講完了

477
00:22:49,159 --> 00:22:51,369
‪“怎樣？天空怎麼了？”

478
00:22:51,453 --> 00:22:53,288
‪就這樣，沒別的了

479
00:22:54,414 --> 00:22:55,248
‪沒特色

480
00:22:59,419 --> 00:23:02,005
‪所以要是有人用英文詛咒你

481
00:23:02,089 --> 00:23:04,466
‪你其實可以拍拍屁股走人就好

482
00:23:04,549 --> 00:23:07,177
‪百分之九十九點九的情況都是如此

483
00:23:07,260 --> 00:23:10,097
‪只要你沒被激怒的話

484
00:23:10,180 --> 00:23:11,765
‪真的，雖然老套，但還是很實用啦！

485
00:23:11,848 --> 00:23:13,433
‪“去你的！”

486
00:23:13,517 --> 00:23:14,851
‪“我並不想去你的”

487
00:23:14,935 --> 00:23:17,646
‪然後你就可以閃了

488
00:23:18,980 --> 00:23:20,524
‪“你自己去你的吧！”

489
00:23:20,607 --> 00:23:23,819
‪“你知道嗎？我最近真的很緊繃

490
00:23:26,738 --> 00:23:29,366
‪我很可能真的
‪需要解放一下小弟弟”

491
00:23:31,243 --> 00:23:32,327
‪“你真他媽的渾蛋”

492
00:23:33,078 --> 00:23:34,663
‪“我他媽的沒事，不過…

493
00:23:36,748 --> 00:23:39,501
‪我前妻上一段婚姻有個孩子

494
00:23:39,584 --> 00:23:41,795
‪所以我想我真是他媽的渾蛋

495
00:23:41,878 --> 00:23:45,799
‪順帶一提，你爸基本上
‪就是最大的渾蛋之一”

496
00:23:47,509 --> 00:23:49,302
‪“你真是沒屁眼的渾蛋”

497
00:23:49,386 --> 00:23:52,097
‪“你知道這隻眼看不到東西吧！

498
00:24:02,774 --> 00:24:05,026
‪所以我也看不到自己是渾蛋喔！

499
00:24:05,110 --> 00:24:08,405
‪感謝你讓我要成為更好的人”
‪然後就可以拍拍屁股走開

500
00:24:08,905 --> 00:24:12,159
‪“死娘炮”，“我承認我就娘”

501
00:24:12,242 --> 00:24:15,704
‪我其實不懂娘跟弱有什麼關係

502
00:24:15,787 --> 00:24:19,791
‪娘炮不管是字面上或是實際上
‪都是一個很強悍的字眼啊！

503
00:24:19,875 --> 00:24:21,251
‪很強悍的！

504
00:24:23,545 --> 00:24:24,796
‪真的

505
00:24:25,714 --> 00:24:27,382
‪一點都沒錯

506
00:24:27,465 --> 00:24:30,677
‪要夠強悍才能生孩子啊！

507
00:24:30,760 --> 00:24:32,345
‪一個人類的新生命

508
00:24:32,429 --> 00:24:34,306
‪一個有重量、有血有肉的人

509
00:24:34,389 --> 00:24:37,809
‪從這麼小一個洞裡蹦出來

510
00:24:37,893 --> 00:24:40,687
‪還可以一次雙胞，噗！噗！

511
00:24:41,563 --> 00:24:43,982
‪也可以三個，噗！噗！噗！

512
00:24:44,065 --> 00:24:46,818
‪然後它就自己縮回去，像這樣

513
00:24:46,902 --> 00:24:49,779
‪差不多，就是這樣

514
00:24:49,863 --> 00:24:51,406
‪幾乎啦，它就是這樣運作

515
00:24:52,115 --> 00:24:56,119
‪可能笑一笑或咳一咳
‪會尿在自己身上

516
00:24:56,786 --> 00:24:58,705
‪不然那個洞就在那裡

517
00:24:59,748 --> 00:25:02,334
‪隨時可以再迎接你

518
00:25:09,925 --> 00:25:11,259
‪我朋友克里斯

519
00:25:11,343 --> 00:25:14,179
‪不過是把腎結石尿出來

520
00:25:14,971 --> 00:25:17,015
‪就幾乎要了他的命

521
00:25:17,098 --> 00:25:20,602
‪他說：“天啊！我這是怎麼了？

522
00:25:20,685 --> 00:25:23,521
‪感覺像中槍一樣痛！”

523
00:25:23,605 --> 00:25:27,317
‪但其實從他尿道口出來的
‪不過是沙粒一般大的小石頭

524
00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:29,945
‪女人就噗噗兩下，就復原了

525
00:25:30,028 --> 00:25:32,322
‪一個小沙粒

526
00:25:33,156 --> 00:25:35,408
‪你來嚕槍，我每天都可以當娘炮

527
00:25:43,124 --> 00:25:44,876
‪阿拉伯文怎麼罵人

528
00:25:48,463 --> 00:25:50,131
‪是很有畫面的喔！

529
00:25:51,675 --> 00:25:55,262
‪因為實在太有畫面
‪我自己都不用，老實說我就…

530
00:25:55,345 --> 00:25:57,389
‪我們就從這裡開始，一點一點來吧！

531
00:25:58,723 --> 00:26:01,476
‪比如阿拉伯文說“哭賽馬克”

532
00:26:01,559 --> 00:26:03,270
‪“案陰陽！死娘炮！”

533
00:26:05,230 --> 00:26:06,648
‪很明確的罵法

534
00:26:12,487 --> 00:26:14,239
‪那來聽聽另一種級別的罵法

535
00:26:14,322 --> 00:26:17,325
‪“哭死英米赫拉馬克”就是說

536
00:26:17,409 --> 00:26:20,287
‪就是兩個人在那個
‪你們就懂什麼意思了吧！

537
00:26:21,454 --> 00:26:24,207
‪大家仔細聽了，“這是什麼意思？”

538
00:26:26,084 --> 00:26:28,461
‪“哭死英米赫拉馬克”就是說

539
00:26:28,545 --> 00:26:31,339
‪“我要把你幹到欲仙欲死啦！”

540
00:26:31,423 --> 00:26:32,590
‪哇喔！

541
00:26:35,885 --> 00:26:37,971
‪不是開玩笑的，我知道這太狂了

542
00:26:40,932 --> 00:26:43,018
‪大家都看到小貝比生出來了吧！

543
00:26:43,560 --> 00:26:45,562
‪罵人罵得很生動吧！

544
00:26:48,315 --> 00:26:51,026
‪這句是我個人最愛

545
00:26:51,109 --> 00:26:53,570
‪“伊蘭打你哈克”這就是說

546
00:26:54,154 --> 00:26:58,700
‪意思是“去你全家老小啦！”

547
00:27:06,416 --> 00:27:08,835
‪“我曾祖母？”，“屁啦！廢物

548
00:27:08,918 --> 00:27:10,920
‪你祖宗十八代都廢！

549
00:27:16,885 --> 00:27:19,804
‪從古到今，有始有終什麼都廢！

550
00:27:19,888 --> 00:27:21,139
‪你家基因就是廢！”

551
00:27:24,726 --> 00:27:26,686
‪原諒我，我不用這套

552
00:27:27,187 --> 00:27:28,104
‪和平

553
00:27:28,897 --> 00:27:31,024
‪就算西方人還有用手勢罵人

554
00:27:31,107 --> 00:27:34,235
‪那也沒什麼大不了
‪“哈！操你媽的！”

555
00:27:34,319 --> 00:27:37,322
‪在英國這是反對和平的手勢
‪真的令人傻眼貓咪

556
00:27:37,405 --> 00:27:39,657
‪“喂！滾開啦！”

557
00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:45,830
‪他們還想裝：“戰時流傳下來的”
‪“閉嘴啦！

558
00:27:46,915 --> 00:27:48,166
‪那一點都不屌！”

559
00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:51,169
‪在阿拉伯文，我們是另一種境界

560
00:27:51,252 --> 00:27:54,297
‪我們會拐著彎罵人
‪我們說“波底薩”，比這個

561
00:27:55,423 --> 00:27:57,926
‪或這樣說“波底薩”

562
00:27:58,009 --> 00:28:00,136
‪或這樣說“波底薩”

563
00:28:00,220 --> 00:28:01,471
‪稍微加點料就……

564
00:28:01,554 --> 00:28:03,098
‪就這樣說“波底薩”

565
00:28:03,181 --> 00:28:05,600
‪稍微扭一扭，像這樣說“波底薩”

566
00:28:05,683 --> 00:28:07,435
‪或這樣說“波底薩”

567
00:28:07,519 --> 00:28:09,979
‪這就表示“肛死你！”
‪這就是這個意思

568
00:28:14,317 --> 00:28:18,029
‪如果這樣還不夠清楚
‪你就這樣加上另外一隻手

569
00:28:18,113 --> 00:28:20,824
‪然後你就這樣說“波底薩”

570
00:28:20,907 --> 00:28:22,409
‪手指頭還要動一動

571
00:28:22,492 --> 00:28:25,453
‪就是在肛你！沒錯！

572
00:28:28,415 --> 00:28:30,959
‪我覺得這邊很多人
‪離開時大概會這樣

573
00:28:31,042 --> 00:28:32,085
‪“凱爾！”，“幹嘛？”

574
00:28:32,168 --> 00:28:34,129
‪“肛死你！”吃我這招！

575
00:28:40,510 --> 00:28:41,719
‪金靠么！

576
00:28:48,393 --> 00:28:50,687
‪“某丟啦”！老兄！

577
00:28:54,441 --> 00:28:56,568
‪墨式幽默，我超愛墨式幽默

578
00:29:00,488 --> 00:29:03,283
‪我這麼說吧！
‪在艾利芙長大，你不可避免的…

579
00:29:04,075 --> 00:29:06,119
‪我們都免不了這樣

580
00:29:06,202 --> 00:29:09,122
‪跟一群墨西哥人長大都會變這樣
‪真的，而且聽起來他們一直都很痛苦

581
00:29:09,205 --> 00:29:11,791
‪“走啊！出去玩！”

582
00:29:11,875 --> 00:29:15,128
‪“你沒事吧？”
‪“沒事啦，兄弟，應該沒事”

583
00:29:15,211 --> 00:29:16,671
‪“你確定？”

584
00:29:18,631 --> 00:29:22,051
‪我超愛墨西哥人的
‪他們很有韌性，又認真工作

585
00:29:22,135 --> 00:29:26,055
‪他們要是開始聊蓋牆就完了

586
00:29:26,139 --> 00:29:28,683
‪這在人類史上他媽的沒成功過

587
00:29:28,767 --> 00:29:31,394
‪你還一直重複講一樣的廢話

588
00:29:31,478 --> 00:29:33,563
‪首先，他們是墨西哥人

589
00:29:33,646 --> 00:29:35,857
‪是我認識的人中最有創造力的

590
00:29:36,733 --> 00:29:40,069
‪就是這麼有創造力
‪巴勒斯坦人還要寫筆記浪費紙

591
00:29:40,695 --> 00:29:43,198
‪人工矮子古茲曼
‪騎腳踏車從地道溜出來時

592
00:29:43,281 --> 00:29:45,658
‪我們說：“阿布杜拉，你看看人家”

593
00:29:47,285 --> 00:29:49,704
‪“他在地道裡放了台腳踏車？

594
00:29:49,788 --> 00:29:52,624
‪我們回家時也要學他，我的天！”

595
00:29:55,835 --> 00:29:58,671
‪你們阻止不了墨西哥人，沒用的啦！

596
00:29:59,547 --> 00:30:03,051
‪你蓋道牆
‪他們就高空滑索回國就好啦！

597
00:30:03,134 --> 00:30:05,428
‪他們會說：“準備好了沒，荷西？”
‪“我好了！”

598
00:30:05,512 --> 00:30:08,807
‪“臭小子，幹他媽的！
‪給我上啊！衝啊！”

599
00:30:14,395 --> 00:30:15,855
‪你會說：“他真的做到啦？”

600
00:30:15,939 --> 00:30:17,982
‪“鬼才知道

601
00:30:19,108 --> 00:30:21,694
‪他好像飛過蹦床了

602
00:30:22,821 --> 00:30:25,532
‪用高空滑索真的很難耶！

603
00:30:26,157 --> 00:30:28,743
‪兄弟，時間點真難抓”

604
00:30:34,499 --> 00:30:37,085
‪如果我是住在墨西哥的墨西哥人

605
00:30:37,168 --> 00:30:38,920
‪我會把這橋段改掉

606
00:30:39,003 --> 00:30:39,963
‪我一定會

607
00:30:40,046 --> 00:30:41,422
‪我會說：“兄弟，這樣吧！

608
00:30:41,506 --> 00:30:43,466
‪我們也蓋一道牆

609
00:30:43,967 --> 00:30:47,804
‪我們也蓋，你們這群狗娘養的
‪不准再來坎昆，你意下如何？”

610
00:30:49,305 --> 00:30:50,390
‪你們覺得怎麼樣？

611
00:30:52,851 --> 00:30:53,768
‪就該這樣做啊！

612
00:30:55,728 --> 00:30:57,438
‪這麼一來，白人女孩們

613
00:30:57,522 --> 00:31:00,608
‪全美洲的白人女孩都要哭了

614
00:31:01,276 --> 00:31:03,987
‪她們大概會說：“偶的天

615
00:31:04,070 --> 00:31:07,657
‪本來我還打算春假要去坎昆

616
00:31:07,740 --> 00:31:11,244
‪他們幹嘛這麼歧視我們白人？我不懂

617
00:31:13,121 --> 00:31:16,040
‪現在我得改去巴亞爾塔港度假了”

618
00:31:17,166 --> 00:31:20,003
‪“那也是在墨西哥喔！”
‪“天哪！”

619
00:31:23,172 --> 00:31:26,175
‪超愛墨西哥人的，我喜歡學他們腔調
‪很好玩啊，你們懂吧！

620
00:31:26,259 --> 00:31:28,761
‪你可以用這種調調說
‪“來嘛！做伙去玩”

621
00:31:29,679 --> 00:31:31,180
‪很好玩，德式趣味

622
00:31:31,264 --> 00:31:34,392
‪“確實，這裡很令人喜愛呢！”

623
00:31:34,475 --> 00:31:36,227
‪我大概一整天都能譙他們

624
00:31:36,311 --> 00:31:38,771
‪要是俄國人的話
‪我就不拿他們開玩笑了

625
00:31:38,855 --> 00:31:42,317
‪我絕對不去招惹這樣講話的人
‪“你剛剛對我說什麼？

626
00:31:43,443 --> 00:31:45,778
‪你剛剛問候我跟我全家嗎？
‪你剛剛對我說什麼？”

627
00:31:46,821 --> 00:31:48,740
‪“兄臺失敬，我不敢”

628
00:31:49,490 --> 00:31:51,659
‪遇到穿愛迪達運動服的俄國人
‪我絕對沒有意見

629
00:31:51,743 --> 00:31:53,620
‪“你說我怎樣？你到處幹譙什麼？”

630
00:31:54,913 --> 00:31:56,873
‪“我沒說什麼，大哥

631
00:31:56,956 --> 00:31:58,124
‪什麼都沒有…”

632
00:31:58,207 --> 00:31:59,959
‪我不招惹有俄國腔的人

633
00:32:00,043 --> 00:32:02,503
‪我也不招惹有柔道耳的傢伙

634
00:32:03,796 --> 00:32:05,173
‪我不會去碰他們

635
00:32:05,757 --> 00:32:10,053
‪如果你是這樣講話，而且你有柔道耳

636
00:32:10,136 --> 00:32:12,096
‪我也會對你敬而遠之

637
00:32:12,764 --> 00:32:14,724
‪這就是為什麼我早就知道

638
00:32:14,807 --> 00:32:18,519
‪戈梅鐸夫會成為最強的格鬥手

639
00:32:19,312 --> 00:32:20,605
‪我一直都知道

640
00:32:23,483 --> 00:32:26,653
‪他這樣說話，而且還有那種耳朵

641
00:32:26,736 --> 00:32:28,905
‪媽的我哪敢惹你啊？老兄！

642
00:32:28,988 --> 00:32:32,575
‪你可是條硬漢耶！
‪而且光是他說話方式，就讓我皮皮挫

643
00:32:32,659 --> 00:32:35,536
‪“你認為自己是真男人？
‪你在道上混的嗎？

644
00:32:35,620 --> 00:32:37,163
‪我在真正的高山裡長大的”

645
00:32:37,246 --> 00:32:39,123
‪然後你就會想說：“那什麼意思？”

646
00:32:40,291 --> 00:32:41,834
‪“他什麼意思？

647
00:32:42,335 --> 00:32:44,379
‪在那裡長大，所以那然後呢？

648
00:32:44,462 --> 00:32:46,172
‪你在那裡都做什麼事了？”

649
00:32:46,839 --> 00:32:49,217
‪他就會說一些肖話
‪“怎樣，要幹架嗎？

650
00:32:49,300 --> 00:32:51,260
‪我幫他換張臉吧！”

651
00:32:53,888 --> 00:32:57,016
‪“他這豬腦袋在想什麼？
‪你不能這樣…”

652
00:33:00,728 --> 00:33:05,566
‪你惹不起這種人
‪八歲就跟熊玩摔跤的人

653
00:33:05,650 --> 00:33:09,278
‪有這種說法，你們去查

654
00:33:09,362 --> 00:33:11,572
‪八歲就跟熊玩摔跤的人

655
00:33:11,656 --> 00:33:14,617
‪做得出這種事的人就是達吉斯坦人

656
00:33:14,701 --> 00:33:17,537
‪就是俄國人也有層次區別
‪有所謂的一般俄國人

657
00:33:17,620 --> 00:33:20,081
‪車臣人，還有達吉斯坦人

658
00:33:20,164 --> 00:33:23,084
‪那根本是另一個世界的人
‪他們就是會跟熊玩摔跤的那種

659
00:33:23,167 --> 00:33:26,587
‪而且是打從小時候就會
‪你他媽的究竟在說什麼肖話？

660
00:33:26,671 --> 00:33:29,507
‪他的父親，願他的靈魂安息

661
00:33:29,590 --> 00:33:31,759
‪他父親一直都是他最棒的教練

662
00:33:31,843 --> 00:33:33,845
‪這種對話到底怎麼開始的啊？

663
00:33:33,928 --> 00:33:36,055
‪他就走向他爸說：“拔比

664
00:33:37,974 --> 00:33:39,809
‪拔比，我真的想成為很厲害的冠軍

665
00:33:39,892 --> 00:33:42,812
‪拔比，拜託嘛！你訓練我嘛！”

666
00:33:42,895 --> 00:33:44,522
‪爸爸就回：“不行
‪兒子你還不夠大”

667
00:33:44,605 --> 00:33:47,275
‪“哪有，我已經長大啦，好啦！

668
00:33:47,358 --> 00:33:49,027
‪你訓練我嘛，拔比！”，“好！

669
00:33:49,110 --> 00:33:50,820
‪我去抓隻熊來看看你能耐”

670
00:33:55,408 --> 00:33:58,202
‪老爸把熊抓回家，那老媽說什麼？

671
00:33:58,286 --> 00:33:59,829
‪“親愛的，你抓熊回家幹嘛？”

672
00:33:59,912 --> 00:34:01,164
‪“我知道啦

673
00:34:01,789 --> 00:34:03,875
‪熊熊放輕鬆！

674
00:34:04,834 --> 00:34:07,420
‪我熊抓來了！

675
00:34:07,503 --> 00:34:10,548
‪熊抓來了！
‪熊熊要跟戈梅鐸夫玩摔跤

676
00:34:10,631 --> 00:34:12,884
‪戈梅鐸夫有一天會
‪成為很厲害的冠軍

677
00:34:12,967 --> 00:34:16,345
‪他未來會打敗種族歧視！

678
00:34:16,429 --> 00:34:18,723
‪拯救伊斯蘭！讚美阿拉，走吧！”

679
00:34:28,524 --> 00:34:30,359
‪別去惹俄國人

680
00:34:30,443 --> 00:34:32,195
‪德國人的話，我一天到晚去惹他們

681
00:34:32,278 --> 00:34:34,530
‪“哦！是的，真令人讚嘆！”

682
00:34:35,073 --> 00:34:36,699
‪我第一場脫口秀專輯就學這口音

683
00:34:36,783 --> 00:34:38,993
‪很多人事後傳訊息給我說：“老兄

684
00:34:39,077 --> 00:34:41,954
‪你聽起來像
‪《蟲蟲危機》裡的胖蟲哈奇林”

685
00:34:44,665 --> 00:34:47,001
‪我回說：“才不像”
‪然後我自己看過之後，我說

686
00:34:47,085 --> 00:34:49,504
‪“靠夭，還真的像那條胖…”

687
00:34:49,587 --> 00:34:53,633
‪就像說：“你們看我的翅膀
‪我現在是漂亮的蝴蝶了！”

688
00:34:55,718 --> 00:34:56,928
‪隨便啦！

689
00:35:04,644 --> 00:35:07,105
‪可以跟大家齊聚一堂是種福氣
‪聽著，我跟你們說件事

690
00:35:07,188 --> 00:35:09,065
‪我很真心的

691
00:35:09,148 --> 00:35:12,026
‪很氣他們對我們所做的事情，真的

692
00:35:12,110 --> 00:35:13,945
‪他們製造的恐懼

693
00:35:14,028 --> 00:35:15,988
‪還有分裂

694
00:35:16,072 --> 00:35:18,199
‪真的令人氣到抓狂

695
00:35:18,282 --> 00:35:21,327
‪“你要投誰？紅黨還藍黨？”

696
00:35:21,410 --> 00:35:24,497
‪我是什麼？赤血幫還瘸子幫嗎？
‪我聽到的就是這樣，都是這些

697
00:35:24,580 --> 00:35:25,873
‪你們全就是流氓好嗎！

698
00:35:25,957 --> 00:35:28,459
‪你們根本通通都是流氓
‪我是站在人民這一邊的

699
00:35:28,543 --> 00:35:31,838
‪一直都是，對我而言
‪這件事的意義便是如此

700
00:35:31,921 --> 00:35:33,464
‪颶風來了

701
00:35:33,548 --> 00:35:36,008
‪經過我鄰居史考特他家，大老粗一個

702
00:35:36,092 --> 00:35:38,594
‪他最讚啦！什麼都準備得好好的

703
00:35:38,678 --> 00:35:41,639
‪所以我從來都不用準備什麼
‪因為我知道他什麼都有

704
00:35:42,557 --> 00:35:46,894
‪他總是說：“嘿啊！我有發電機！

705
00:35:46,978 --> 00:35:50,231
‪免煩惱啦！阿莫，我給你靠！”

706
00:35:52,066 --> 00:35:54,527
‪我遇難時，他就幫了我一把

707
00:35:54,610 --> 00:35:57,780
‪我走進他家那邊，拿了延長線

708
00:35:57,864 --> 00:36:01,325
‪大老遠拉過巷尾去接我家的電

709
00:36:01,409 --> 00:36:04,954
‪事情就是這樣，他們企圖分裂我們

710
00:36:05,037 --> 00:36:06,789
‪但是事實是德州的穆罕默德

711
00:36:06,873 --> 00:36:09,876
‪跟大老粗史考特一直都是好麻吉

712
00:36:11,586 --> 00:36:13,171
‪去你他媽的鬼話

713
00:36:18,926 --> 00:36:20,761
‪真的去他媽的鬼話

714
00:36:20,845 --> 00:36:22,263
‪這才是真話啊！

715
00:36:22,346 --> 00:36:25,141
‪大家就想著要逼出個什麼進展

716
00:36:25,224 --> 00:36:26,684
‪不該是這樣，我相信我們

717
00:36:26,767 --> 00:36:28,686
‪我相信，我信任大家

718
00:36:28,769 --> 00:36:31,731
‪所以才敢踏上旅途，才敢去搭飛機

719
00:36:31,814 --> 00:36:35,401
‪然後我領悟到我們自身的渺小

720
00:36:35,484 --> 00:36:37,612
‪身為人類，我們真的很噁心

721
00:36:37,695 --> 00:36:39,238
‪真的很渣

722
00:36:39,322 --> 00:36:41,157
‪大家都活在自己的世界裡

723
00:36:41,240 --> 00:36:43,576
‪沒人關心其他人

724
00:36:43,659 --> 00:36:45,953
‪大家就只是…
‪你在機場就能注意到這點

725
00:36:46,037 --> 00:36:48,789
‪各走各的，然後突然間
‪走在你前面那個人就停下來

726
00:36:48,873 --> 00:36:50,291
‪往上看

727
00:36:50,374 --> 00:36:53,044
‪“上面有什麼？”
‪“我讓你知道你後面有什麼，廢物

728
00:36:53,127 --> 00:36:54,795
‪幾千個人啊！

729
00:36:54,879 --> 00:36:56,714
‪大家都想去他們想去的地方

730
00:36:56,797 --> 00:36:58,299
‪看清楚現在是什麼狀況

731
00:36:58,382 --> 00:37:00,009
‪你究竟他媽的有什麼毛病？

732
00:37:00,092 --> 00:37:02,178
‪媽的讓開別擋路，好嗎？”

733
00:37:03,304 --> 00:37:04,639
‪如果你去旅行

734
00:37:04,722 --> 00:37:08,100
‪隨身行李沒有輪子

735
00:37:08,184 --> 00:37:10,061
‪那你就成了王八蛋

736
00:37:10,144 --> 00:37:13,231
‪你行李都扛在肩上，狼狽不堪

737
00:37:14,690 --> 00:37:17,235
‪滑掉了，你就說：“抱歉”

738
00:37:19,362 --> 00:37:22,156
‪有種東西叫輪子啊！你有什麼毛病？

739
00:37:23,199 --> 00:37:25,451
‪如果你隨身行李箱只有兩個輪子

740
00:37:25,534 --> 00:37:28,079
‪你看起來就像這樣：“你好…”

741
00:37:28,162 --> 00:37:32,250
‪你看你後面浪費多少空間啊！

742
00:37:32,333 --> 00:37:34,752
‪你幹嘛要這樣搞？
‪一邊說：“你好…”

743
00:37:38,839 --> 00:37:41,759
‪你他媽的在幹嘛？
‪這世上有四輪行李箱啊！

744
00:37:41,842 --> 00:37:43,469
‪這就是你推四輪行李箱的樣子

745
00:37:43,552 --> 00:37:47,807
‪像個睿智的人類

746
00:37:47,890 --> 00:37:51,143
‪前進後退都方便

747
00:37:51,227 --> 00:37:54,272
‪你可以調戲流氓然後走人

748
00:37:55,398 --> 00:37:58,901
‪你要是有小貝比，就把它放上面
‪然後就能繼續閒逛

749
00:38:00,611 --> 00:38:03,990
‪如果你行李箱有四個輪子
‪但你卻只用到兩個輪子

750
00:38:04,073 --> 00:38:07,285
‪你八成是最爛的那種王八蛋了

751
00:38:09,036 --> 00:38:11,289
‪這種人連數字都看不懂

752
00:38:11,372 --> 00:38:12,999
‪抵達登機門之後

753
00:38:13,082 --> 00:38:15,334
‪就會這樣，“開始登機

754
00:38:15,418 --> 00:38:16,669
‪第一區請登機”

755
00:38:16,752 --> 00:38:19,714
‪“我是第七區，我可以登機了嘛？”

756
00:38:19,797 --> 00:38:22,133
‪“恭殺毀…”
‪“既然這樣，第八區順便”

757
00:38:22,216 --> 00:38:24,927
‪“他媽的滾開啦！你幹嘛啊？”

758
00:38:28,306 --> 00:38:30,474
‪然後終於坐上飛機了

759
00:38:30,558 --> 00:38:33,811
‪那些隨身行李沒輪子的人來了

760
00:38:35,313 --> 00:38:38,482
‪每個人都被撞一遍

761
00:38:41,235 --> 00:38:42,903
‪他們渾然不覺，就只是…

762
00:38:44,447 --> 00:38:47,033
‪接著是那些行李箱
‪只有兩個輪子的渾蛋

763
00:38:47,116 --> 00:38:49,076
‪就任憑行李遠遠在後面拖

764
00:38:49,160 --> 00:38:51,412
‪然後到處卡座椅，一張接一張卡

765
00:38:51,495 --> 00:38:54,498
‪“歹勢喔！”

766
00:38:54,582 --> 00:38:55,791
‪“歹勢！”

767
00:38:55,875 --> 00:38:59,003
‪是不會回頭看看啊，廢物
‪看清楚你行李箱在哪！

768
00:39:00,212 --> 00:39:01,839
‪拜託用下你的眼睛好嗎？

769
00:39:03,049 --> 00:39:04,717
‪逃生演習

770
00:39:09,513 --> 00:39:11,265
‪真是讓我抓狂

771
00:39:12,183 --> 00:39:14,769
‪空服員們，出於尊重

772
00:39:16,103 --> 00:39:19,148
‪我會耐著性子等這個部分結束

773
00:39:19,231 --> 00:39:20,524
‪根本沒屁用啊！

774
00:39:21,192 --> 00:39:23,152
‪你又不是在救人好嗎？

775
00:39:23,986 --> 00:39:26,322
‪你對你的工作也太嚴肅了吧！

776
00:39:27,782 --> 00:39:29,658
‪要是有乘客出狀況，你就趕緊去廣播

777
00:39:29,742 --> 00:39:31,994
‪“現場有醫生嗎？因為…

778
00:39:32,078 --> 00:39:34,246
‪我不知道我在幹嘛
‪拜託誰來幫幫我”

779
00:39:38,042 --> 00:39:40,252
‪萬一你有個小包包
‪而你座位旁是機艙壁

780
00:39:40,336 --> 00:39:42,880
‪你卻把包包放在地上，完了

781
00:39:42,963 --> 00:39:44,632
‪“我們要把這個包包放這裡喔！”

782
00:39:44,715 --> 00:39:47,510
‪他們也不跟你廢話
‪“我們要把這個包包放上去喔！

783
00:39:47,593 --> 00:39:51,263
‪主要是為了起飛，起飛後

784
00:39:51,347 --> 00:39:53,057
‪他們馬上就會還你，好嗎？”

785
00:39:53,140 --> 00:39:56,435
‪“既然起飛後就會馬上還我

786
00:39:56,519 --> 00:39:58,437
‪那我究竟幹嘛要移動它？”

787
00:39:58,521 --> 00:39:59,855
‪“以防萬一

788
00:39:59,939 --> 00:40:03,067
‪我們要是遇上緊急逃生的情況”
‪“等等，我們要離開飛機？

789
00:40:03,150 --> 00:40:05,361
‪在海拔240公里高的地方…

790
00:40:05,444 --> 00:40:07,071
‪恭殺肖話啦！”

791
00:40:07,154 --> 00:40:08,906
‪“不行唷，我們必須移走包包

792
00:40:09,824 --> 00:40:11,450
‪根據…”

793
00:40:15,162 --> 00:40:16,622
‪就關機了

794
00:40:16,705 --> 00:40:18,541
‪就他媽的關機了

795
00:40:21,585 --> 00:40:23,963
‪天啊！那些安全廣播真的是！

796
00:40:24,046 --> 00:40:25,965
‪“請各位旅客繫好安全帶

797
00:40:26,048 --> 00:40:28,050
‪因為它將保障您生命安全

798
00:40:28,134 --> 00:40:29,176
‪是的，繫上這條

799
00:40:29,260 --> 00:40:32,096
‪在海拔十公里高

800
00:40:32,179 --> 00:40:34,598
‪會勒死你的安全帶，好嗎？

801
00:40:34,682 --> 00:40:36,183
‪坐在太空中漂浮的石頭上

802
00:40:36,267 --> 00:40:38,811
‪能救你一命的
‪就只有安全帶”，屁啦！

803
00:40:38,894 --> 00:40:40,688
‪他們不過就想要你

804
00:40:40,771 --> 00:40:42,398
‪飛機墜毀的時候
‪都還乖乖坐在椅子上

805
00:40:42,481 --> 00:40:45,776
‪他們並不想再雇其他公司
‪來找你他媽的坐在哪裡

806
00:40:45,860 --> 00:40:47,027
‪事實如此嘛！

807
00:40:47,736 --> 00:40:48,988
‪他們不想多做工

808
00:40:49,071 --> 00:40:50,781
‪他們就想墜機之後，直接到現場這樣

809
00:40:50,865 --> 00:40:52,741
‪“座位3F，亞當，就他

810
00:40:54,076 --> 00:40:55,828
‪嗯，他大部分都在啦！”

811
00:40:56,996 --> 00:40:57,997
‪這就是他們要的

812
00:41:06,297 --> 00:41:09,133
‪因為他們真的認為
‪安全帶可以救你一命

813
00:41:09,216 --> 00:41:11,635
‪所以會每個人逐一檢查

814
00:41:11,719 --> 00:41:13,554
‪好像要坐雲霄飛車一樣

815
00:41:13,637 --> 00:41:17,016
‪他們會說：“你沒問題…

816
00:41:17,099 --> 00:41:19,393
‪你…喔！你差點就出事了，雷夫！

817
00:41:19,477 --> 00:41:20,936
‪你差點就掛了”

818
00:41:21,604 --> 00:41:22,730
‪他們不是這樣做啦！

819
00:41:22,813 --> 00:41:25,858
‪就是走過你旁邊，邊說
‪“很好…沒問題”

820
00:41:28,194 --> 00:41:30,571
‪曾經有空服員跟我爭論

821
00:41:30,654 --> 00:41:32,281
‪“阿莫，萬一要迫降

822
00:41:32,364 --> 00:41:33,908
‪遇到超級大亂流

823
00:41:33,991 --> 00:41:36,035
‪你可能整個人都會飛起來
‪可能會撞斷脖子的！”

824
00:41:36,118 --> 00:41:38,496
‪我就回說：“我就要這樣
‪我就想撞斷脖子

825
00:41:38,579 --> 00:41:40,915
‪當別人都在為逃命尖叫的時候

826
00:41:40,998 --> 00:41:43,375
‪我就想當這種討厭鬼，我就要這樣”

827
00:41:43,459 --> 00:41:46,587
‪然後當大家都在尖叫
‪“天啊！我們要死了！”

828
00:41:46,670 --> 00:41:48,631
‪我已經掛了，我隨時可以走

829
00:41:48,714 --> 00:41:51,717
‪一邊給那些行李廂
‪沒輪子的討厭鬼賞巴掌

830
00:41:54,887 --> 00:41:55,930
‪我就要這樣

831
00:42:01,685 --> 00:42:03,270
‪沒錯，我還記得

832
00:42:03,354 --> 00:42:05,439
‪萬一客艙失壓

833
00:42:05,523 --> 00:42:07,816
‪先救我自己，嬰兒管他去死

834
00:42:10,694 --> 00:42:14,198
‪小小氧氣罩掉下來
‪先救我自己，嬰兒管他去死

835
00:42:14,281 --> 00:42:16,158
‪這不是我的原則，是你訂的規矩

836
00:42:18,035 --> 00:42:21,247
‪有一次我從紐約飛到休士頓

837
00:42:21,330 --> 00:42:24,833
‪我住在這裡，但我們從紐約飛休士頓

838
00:42:24,917 --> 00:42:27,753
‪放眼望去都是陸地

839
00:42:28,504 --> 00:42:31,090
‪但大家還是得先擔心這台飛機

840
00:42:31,173 --> 00:42:33,008
‪先把行李放上去

841
00:42:33,092 --> 00:42:34,218
‪然後救生衣扣好

842
00:42:34,301 --> 00:42:36,971
‪然後你拉了充氣繩，像這樣

843
00:42:37,054 --> 00:42:38,347
‪然後救生衣會膨脹

844
00:42:38,430 --> 00:42:41,350
‪要是沒充氣，別緊張

845
00:42:41,433 --> 00:42:43,727
‪這裡還有根吸管

846
00:42:44,645 --> 00:42:47,523
‪只需要你吹一口氣

847
00:42:47,606 --> 00:42:49,149
‪吹一口魔法之力就行

848
00:42:49,233 --> 00:42:51,777
‪他們讓一切看起來如此容易

849
00:42:51,860 --> 00:42:54,029
‪“你沒事，他沒事，大家都沒事”

850
00:42:54,113 --> 00:42:55,948
‪混蛋，妳這輩子有沒有試過

851
00:42:56,031 --> 00:42:58,784
‪人工充氣啊？

852
00:43:00,160 --> 00:43:02,121
‪我在我外甥的游泳派對幹過

853
00:43:02,204 --> 00:43:04,748
‪搞定他那些充氣玩具
‪差點沒要了我的老命

854
00:43:06,208 --> 00:43:08,919
‪妳還跟我說迫降途中，我還要這樣？

855
00:43:13,382 --> 00:43:14,383
‪我掛了

856
00:43:15,759 --> 00:43:18,804
‪別擔心，還有第二層
‪跟第三層保護措施

857
00:43:18,887 --> 00:43:21,015
‪走道有逃生指示燈

858
00:43:21,098 --> 00:43:23,392
‪那也配叫指示燈！就是反射光而已

859
00:43:23,475 --> 00:43:25,644
‪那燈光才一角硬幣大小
‪我去你的咧！

860
00:43:25,728 --> 00:43:28,564
‪不過才一角硬幣大小
‪再加上哨子好嗎！

861
00:43:28,647 --> 00:43:33,027
‪在地球上，茫茫反射大海中
‪叫天天不應，叫地地不靈

862
00:43:33,110 --> 00:43:35,321
‪這就是我們可以找到你這渾蛋的辦法

863
00:43:35,404 --> 00:43:36,905
‪“我就在這裡”

864
00:43:37,656 --> 00:43:39,575
‪“我就在這裡”

865
00:43:39,658 --> 00:43:41,535
‪你們還沒找到馬來西亞的班機

866
00:43:41,619 --> 00:43:44,455
‪媽的，那是一整架波音747耶！

867
00:43:50,669 --> 00:43:53,464
‪我到處漂，你這樣能找到我

868
00:43:53,547 --> 00:43:55,174
‪“我就在這裡”

869
00:43:55,257 --> 00:43:56,300
‪“我就在這裡”

870
00:43:56,383 --> 00:44:00,304
‪根本是讓海洋獵食動物
‪知道我確切位置啊！

871
00:44:00,387 --> 00:44:03,223
‪自找死路啊！知道我說什麼嗎？

872
00:44:17,988 --> 00:44:18,906
‪媽的！

873
00:44:21,116 --> 00:44:25,162
‪第一次，這是我人生第一次覺得

874
00:44:25,245 --> 00:44:28,666
‪我是逃來美國的難民
‪當然我現在已經是美國公民了

875
00:44:28,749 --> 00:44:30,376
‪但你知道剛來那時候

876
00:44:30,459 --> 00:44:33,587
‪加州人都在嘲笑德州

877
00:44:33,671 --> 00:44:35,506
‪就在疫情期間

878
00:44:35,589 --> 00:44:37,925
‪“我們得去德州”，是吧？

879
00:44:38,008 --> 00:44:40,344
‪“你們必須來這裡？”
‪我第一次有這種感覺

880
00:44:40,427 --> 00:44:43,555
‪“滾回去你老家啦！塞你娘！”

881
00:44:43,639 --> 00:44:45,766
‪“你闖進我們的地盤了

882
00:44:45,849 --> 00:44:48,352
‪滾回去你老家啦！”

883
00:44:48,435 --> 00:44:49,770
‪這就是如何…

884
00:44:49,853 --> 00:44:53,273
‪我當時想：“我懂他們為什麼這麼做
‪這樣感覺好多了，比較爽”

885
00:44:53,774 --> 00:44:56,151
‪我是阿拉伯裔美國人，我就是這樣

886
00:44:56,235 --> 00:44:58,987
‪我沒這麼做，對

887
00:45:00,864 --> 00:45:02,658
‪巴勒斯坦混阿拉伯裔的阿瑪爾
‪真的是…

888
00:45:02,741 --> 00:45:04,034
‪聽著

889
00:45:04,785 --> 00:45:05,953
‪謝謝你們

890
00:45:07,204 --> 00:45:09,540
‪好了，我們開趴吧！來嗨一場！

891
00:45:10,541 --> 00:45:13,627
‪有一件事要說
‪我做表演不是為了掌聲

892
00:45:13,710 --> 00:45:17,172
‪而是為了要告訴你們
‪一個人是如何認識自己

893
00:45:17,256 --> 00:45:20,801
‪我是阿拉伯裔美國人
‪這就是在美國被認同的方式

894
00:45:20,884 --> 00:45:23,095
‪如果你不是白人

895
00:45:23,178 --> 00:45:25,347
‪在美國人之前還要加上其他詞

896
00:45:27,141 --> 00:45:30,436
‪除了我要買槍的時候
‪那是唯一一次沒被刁難

897
00:45:30,519 --> 00:45:33,147
‪你在德州買槍，遇到的第一個問題是

898
00:45:33,230 --> 00:45:35,274
‪“你是拉丁裔？”

899
00:45:35,357 --> 00:45:37,985
‪超級種族歧視，“我不是”

900
00:45:38,068 --> 00:45:40,654
‪下一個問題是
‪“你是非裔美國人？”，“我不是”

901
00:45:40,737 --> 00:45:42,656
‪接著根本沒有
‪“阿拉伯裔美國人”這個選項

902
00:45:42,739 --> 00:45:45,576
‪我就這樣說，管它去死
‪“我就現在最屌的白人啦！”

903
00:45:45,659 --> 00:45:48,662
‪“寶貝，給我一支
‪雙管的12口徑霰彈槍”

904
00:45:51,290 --> 00:45:53,459
‪但其他時候

905
00:45:53,542 --> 00:45:56,295
‪其他時候
‪我都說自己是阿拉伯裔美國人

906
00:45:56,378 --> 00:45:59,548
‪只要你不是美國白人
‪在美國人這個詞前面就是有別的字

907
00:45:59,631 --> 00:46:01,091
‪美國就是這樣的

908
00:46:01,175 --> 00:46:03,302
‪就是這樣的，好嗎？

909
00:46:03,385 --> 00:46:05,429
‪除非你是白人，完全就是白人

910
00:46:05,512 --> 00:46:07,764
‪任何人都一樣
‪在美國人一詞前面都有形容詞

911
00:46:07,848 --> 00:46:09,600
‪土生土長的美國人也是

912
00:46:09,683 --> 00:46:12,519
‪道地的美國人，我們還得

913
00:46:12,603 --> 00:46:14,563
‪區分出道地的美國人

914
00:46:15,689 --> 00:46:18,317
‪而非裔美國人
‪我大部分的黑人朋友從未去過非洲

915
00:46:18,400 --> 00:46:21,028
‪儘管如此
‪他們依舊被劃分為非裔美國人

916
00:46:21,945 --> 00:46:25,073
‪還有墨裔、亞裔美國人等等

917
00:46:25,741 --> 00:46:26,658
‪除非你是純正白種人

918
00:46:26,742 --> 00:46:30,704
‪如果你是白人，就好像
‪自己從俄亥俄州玉米田長出來

919
00:46:30,787 --> 00:46:32,789
‪長得滿山遍野

920
00:46:32,873 --> 00:46:34,500
‪除了聖派翠克節，你會想說

921
00:46:34,583 --> 00:46:37,503
‪“靠么，我的曾祖父
‪有四分之一的愛爾蘭血統耶！”

922
00:46:47,596 --> 00:46:50,516
‪我就是那樣！
‪作為一名阿拉伯裔美國人，我必須說

923
00:46:50,599 --> 00:46:52,476
‪作為一名阿拉伯裔美國人

924
00:46:52,559 --> 00:46:55,771
‪我看到我們的文化傳播到西方世界

925
00:46:55,854 --> 00:46:57,272
‪我覺得太讚啦！

926
00:46:57,356 --> 00:46:59,858
‪真的超爽！

927
00:47:00,526 --> 00:47:02,402
‪屌炸了！

928
00:47:03,070 --> 00:47:04,571
‪就好像你不知道什麼是水菸壺

929
00:47:04,655 --> 00:47:06,657
‪你就被歸類在文化無知人士

930
00:47:06,740 --> 00:47:08,200
‪如果不知道什麼是水菸壺

931
00:47:08,283 --> 00:47:11,620
‪“丹妮絲，妳不知道水菸壺是什麼？
‪妳之前都在哪裡啊？

932
00:47:11,703 --> 00:47:15,749
‪那就像這支水煙斗，但不一樣

933
00:47:15,832 --> 00:47:18,252
‪它外表很華麗，而且

934
00:47:18,335 --> 00:47:21,213
‪有很多不同味道的煙草

935
00:47:21,296 --> 00:47:24,258
‪然後有管子從這裡出來
‪然後你就噗嚕嚕吸一口

936
00:47:24,925 --> 00:47:27,636
‪再吐出來，超銷魂的啦！
‪我們可以搞兩支吸管

937
00:47:27,719 --> 00:47:30,764
‪就可以一起噗嚕嚕
‪丹妮絲，天哪！”

938
00:47:30,847 --> 00:47:32,891
‪當白人看到這個東西時
‪根本驚為天人

939
00:47:32,975 --> 00:47:36,311
‪他們把這個通通改掉
‪用蒸餾水的蒸汽引發電池加熱

940
00:47:36,395 --> 00:47:38,230
‪然後在上面放菸彈

941
00:47:38,313 --> 00:47:41,942
‪倒一點神祕液體進去
‪也沒有人問你是什麼東西

942
00:47:42,526 --> 00:47:44,278
‪大家會邊走邊聞說

943
00:47:50,867 --> 00:47:52,077
‪“這無敵霹靂健康啊！”

944
00:47:52,160 --> 00:47:55,622
‪“老兄，可是我從來沒見過
‪水菸壺有那麼多煙

945
00:47:56,957 --> 00:47:58,458
‪況且這壺這麼小

946
00:47:58,542 --> 00:48:01,461
‪你這是定期改變氣候耶！

947
00:48:01,545 --> 00:48:03,171
‪這到底是在幹嘛？”

948
00:48:03,255 --> 00:48:05,257
‪“安啦！這很健康！”

949
00:48:07,342 --> 00:48:10,345
‪“不可能啊，老兄
‪那是金屬、電池效應

950
00:48:10,429 --> 00:48:12,431
‪跟其他金屬的混合物
‪我敢說你完蛋了！

951
00:48:12,514 --> 00:48:13,724
‪不要再抽了”

952
00:48:14,808 --> 00:48:17,060
‪到剛剛為止是第一個公益廣告

953
00:48:18,061 --> 00:48:20,814
‪那現在來第二個公益廣告

954
00:48:22,024 --> 00:48:25,110
‪比如赤狐實際上

955
00:48:25,193 --> 00:48:27,070
‪是70年代在美國擴散開來

956
00:48:27,154 --> 00:48:31,325
‪而我要提一提
‪關於住在美西大部分的穆斯林

957
00:48:31,408 --> 00:48:33,452
‪他們都好奇為什麼

958
00:48:34,620 --> 00:48:36,872
‪沒有人洗屁股
‪我就要把這件事拿出來講

959
00:48:40,250 --> 00:48:41,543
‪真的超怪

960
00:48:42,252 --> 00:48:43,795
‪拜託洗屁股好嘛！

961
00:48:43,879 --> 00:48:48,133
‪這世上居然有人
‪沒坐浴盆的習慣，很怪耶！

962
00:48:48,216 --> 00:48:51,595
‪為什麼衛生紙
‪是如廁後唯一優先選擇？

963
00:48:51,678 --> 00:48:54,973
‪真的嘛！像是樹葉、衛生紙

964
00:48:55,057 --> 00:48:56,308
‪嬰兒濕紙巾跟清水都可以啊！

965
00:48:56,391 --> 00:48:58,060
‪為什麼？你怎麼會這麼做？

966
00:48:58,143 --> 00:49:00,437
‪這不是很清楚的事情嘛！
‪大家都會吃屁股

967
00:49:00,520 --> 00:49:03,106
‪可是沒人洗屁股！太奇葩了吧！

968
00:49:05,984 --> 00:49:06,985
‪是瘋了吧！

969
00:49:09,363 --> 00:49:10,781
‪你要是沾到屎，就好像說

970
00:49:10,864 --> 00:49:14,201
‪“矮額！我沾到屎了！”
‪然後就會馬上去洗掉

971
00:49:14,284 --> 00:49:15,786
‪你會說：“現在沒事了！

972
00:49:15,869 --> 00:49:17,579
‪我擺脫這坨屎了！”

973
00:49:17,663 --> 00:49:20,457
‪但是如果你反應是
‪“我沒關係”，然後就走掉

974
00:49:28,465 --> 00:49:31,176
‪我表弟之前從中東來拜訪我

975
00:49:31,259 --> 00:49:35,180
‪他說：“我想去住住看五星級飯店”
‪我說：“當然好

976
00:49:35,263 --> 00:49:37,099
‪你好好享受”

977
00:49:37,182 --> 00:49:40,352
‪他確實訂了飯店，我跟他說
‪“我隔天去商場接你”

978
00:49:40,435 --> 00:49:43,397
‪他說：“知道了”

979
00:49:43,480 --> 00:49:45,732
‪隔天我去接他時

980
00:49:45,816 --> 00:49:48,151
‪我看到他臉色真的很難看

981
00:49:48,235 --> 00:49:49,695
‪我就問他：“老兄，你怎麼啦？”

982
00:49:49,778 --> 00:49:51,238
‪他臉就更臭
‪我說：“到底怎麼了？”

983
00:49:51,321 --> 00:49:53,281
‪他就爆炸了，說：“阿拉祝福他們！

984
00:49:53,365 --> 00:49:54,950
‪阿拉祝福他們！

985
00:49:55,033 --> 00:49:56,326
‪阿拉祝福他們！”

986
00:49:56,410 --> 00:49:59,037
‪我說：“老兄，你不能在這種
‪購物商場走道大喊阿拉

987
00:49:59,121 --> 00:50:01,039
‪你這是做什麼？

988
00:50:01,123 --> 00:50:02,582
‪冷靜一點

989
00:50:03,917 --> 00:50:06,795
‪出了什麼事？”
‪他才說：“他們沒有坐浴盆

990
00:50:06,878 --> 00:50:10,340
‪他們沒有坐浴盆耶！
‪不是五星級嗎！

991
00:50:10,424 --> 00:50:12,551
‪不是什麼一星、二星
‪三星還是喇叭星

992
00:50:12,634 --> 00:50:14,678
‪五星耶！沒坐浴盆

993
00:50:14,761 --> 00:50:17,931
‪我每上一次廁所就要沖一次澡

994
00:50:19,349 --> 00:50:22,144
‪阿莫，我一天沖五次澡耶！”

995
00:50:25,355 --> 00:50:28,191
‪“我比較擔心你的消化道，兄弟

996
00:50:29,067 --> 00:50:31,611
‪還沒中午就拉五次屎，你做什麼了？

997
00:50:32,362 --> 00:50:34,406
‪不要再吃IHOP餐廳了，兄弟”

998
00:50:38,076 --> 00:50:39,369
‪我朋友尼克過來找我

999
00:50:39,453 --> 00:50:42,289
‪我做完第一季NETFLIX特輯後
‪就把家裡廁所全面升級

1000
00:50:42,372 --> 00:50:44,082
‪全改成日式廁所

1001
00:50:44,166 --> 00:50:46,501
‪我朋友尼克一走進浴室

1002
00:50:46,585 --> 00:50:48,378
‪他馬上就走出來說

1003
00:50:48,462 --> 00:50:51,923
‪“阿莫，你廁所怎麼有遙控器？”

1004
00:50:53,967 --> 00:50:57,012
‪我說：“因為馬桶有內建
‪坐浴盆跟風乾機”

1005
00:50:57,095 --> 00:50:58,263
‪他一臉狐疑說：“坐浴盆？”

1006
00:50:58,346 --> 00:51:00,599
‪我說：“你不知道什麼是坐浴盆？”
‪他說：“不知道”

1007
00:51:00,682 --> 00:51:02,476
‪我說：“天，我沒好好招待你！”

1008
00:51:02,559 --> 00:51:04,102
‪我說

1009
00:51:04,186 --> 00:51:05,520
‪我說：“坐浴盆會

1010
00:51:05,604 --> 00:51:07,105
‪在你拉完屎時

1011
00:51:07,189 --> 00:51:11,151
‪它會給你屁股噴水
‪把你屁屁洗上一輪”

1012
00:51:11,234 --> 00:51:12,944
‪他回應我的方式是這樣：“矮額”

1013
00:51:13,028 --> 00:51:14,237
‪我說：“矮額？”

1014
00:51:14,321 --> 00:51:17,532
‪我說：“尼克
‪你才讓人覺得矮額吧！

1015
00:51:18,492 --> 00:51:20,118
‪進去把你的屁股洗乾淨！”

1016
00:51:26,416 --> 00:51:28,835
‪他就在裡面待了大概二十分鐘

1017
00:51:28,919 --> 00:51:31,713
‪出來之後，他一副
‪剛接受神父受洗似的

1018
00:51:36,635 --> 00:51:40,430
‪那樣昂首闊步的走路
‪我在他身上看到不曾見過的自信

1019
00:51:41,473 --> 00:51:43,433
‪以上是第二則公益廣告

1020
00:51:44,100 --> 00:51:45,602
‪第三則呢！

1021
00:51:45,685 --> 00:51:47,312
‪從一個提問開始

1022
00:51:47,395 --> 00:51:50,315
‪試想現在是二戰期間

1023
00:51:50,398 --> 00:51:53,735
‪很重要，試想現在是二戰時期的美國

1024
00:51:53,819 --> 00:51:55,737
‪我在美國隨意走動，說

1025
00:51:55,821 --> 00:51:58,031
‪“你願意嚐嚐看這些壽司嗎？”

1026
00:51:58,114 --> 00:52:00,659
‪人們會說：“什麼是壽司？”，你說

1027
00:52:00,742 --> 00:52:02,661
‪“壽司是一種日本料理”

1028
00:52:02,744 --> 00:52:05,163
‪他們會這樣說：“日本料理！

1029
00:52:05,247 --> 00:52:07,874
‪把這什麼日本料理給我拿走！”

1030
00:52:09,000 --> 00:52:10,460
‪他們相當有可能會這樣說

1031
00:52:12,003 --> 00:52:14,798
‪大家想像一下現在是

1032
00:52:15,423 --> 00:52:17,342
‪2001年

1033
00:52:17,425 --> 00:52:19,469
‪我在美國隨意走動，說

1034
00:52:19,553 --> 00:52:21,513
‪“你願意嚐嚐看這些鷹嘴豆泥嗎？”

1035
00:52:21,596 --> 00:52:23,348
‪人們會說：“什麼是鷹嘴豆泥？”

1036
00:52:23,431 --> 00:52:25,851
‪我說：“鷹嘴豆泥
‪是經典阿拉伯料理”

1037
00:52:25,934 --> 00:52:27,394
‪他們反應會是：“阿拉伯料理！

1038
00:52:27,477 --> 00:52:31,189
‪把這什麼鬼東西給我拿走！”

1039
00:52:32,774 --> 00:52:34,484
‪他們相當有可能會這樣說

1040
00:52:35,694 --> 00:52:38,071
‪這裡有件事很重要，一定要說清楚

1041
00:52:38,154 --> 00:52:42,117
‪你們說鷹嘴豆泥的發音方式
‪開頭是h，發音是“哈”好嗎？

1042
00:52:42,200 --> 00:52:44,494
‪猶太人，不是“哈姆斯”

1043
00:52:44,578 --> 00:52:47,289
‪不是這麼講，不是“哈姆斯”

1044
00:52:47,372 --> 00:52:50,584
‪“Ghe”在我們的字母裡
‪是不同的字母，好嗎？

1045
00:52:50,667 --> 00:52:53,378
‪在我們的語言裡
‪“Ghe”是完全不一樣的字

1046
00:52:53,461 --> 00:52:57,007
‪因為在你們的英語裡沒有這個字
‪所以這顯然不是你們能發出來的音

1047
00:52:57,090 --> 00:52:59,885
‪他媽的滾開，那是我們的鷹嘴豆泥

1048
00:53:01,511 --> 00:53:02,721
‪真的滾開

1049
00:53:05,515 --> 00:53:06,933
‪鷹嘴豆泥就是鷹嘴豆泥

1050
00:53:07,017 --> 00:53:08,476
‪現在到處都可以吃到鷹嘴豆泥

1051
00:53:08,560 --> 00:53:09,853
‪“我想吃點鷹嘴豆泥”

1052
00:53:09,936 --> 00:53:12,022
‪鷹嘴豆泥，他媽的到處都有

1053
00:53:12,105 --> 00:53:13,732
‪該死的咖啡店有

1054
00:53:13,815 --> 00:53:15,400
‪小七有

1055
00:53:15,483 --> 00:53:18,403
‪每間加油站都有鷹嘴豆泥

1056
00:53:18,486 --> 00:53:20,780
‪有一次我坐飛機，空服員走過來問我

1057
00:53:20,864 --> 00:53:22,616
‪“您要來吃點小點心嗎？”

1058
00:53:22,699 --> 00:53:24,117
‪我看了一眼說
‪“他媽的這是什麼鬼？”

1059
00:53:24,200 --> 00:53:26,119
‪她說：“這是鷹嘴豆泥”
‪我說：“不是吧！”

1060
00:53:26,202 --> 00:53:28,747
‪這是小包裝果汁盒

1061
00:53:28,830 --> 00:53:31,791
‪你撕開角落就會看到
‪像這樣的小洋芋片

1062
00:53:31,875 --> 00:53:32,918
‪然後你把它擠出來

1063
00:53:33,001 --> 00:53:35,629
‪簡直變相侮辱我祖宗十八代

1064
00:53:35,712 --> 00:53:37,797
‪“吃屎吧！什麼傳統美食！”
‪那感覺就像這樣

1065
00:53:37,881 --> 00:53:39,007
‪真的就這種感覺

1066
00:53:39,090 --> 00:53:41,593
‪“去你奶奶的鷹嘴豆泥

1067
00:53:41,676 --> 00:53:43,845
‪這也配叫做鷹嘴豆泥？超噁！”

1068
00:53:43,929 --> 00:53:45,096
‪那才不是鷹嘴豆泥

1069
00:53:46,389 --> 00:53:48,934
‪有一次我去喬氏超市
‪他們在提供試吃，對我說

1070
00:53:49,017 --> 00:53:51,686
‪“您願意嚐點這些
‪巧克力口味的鷹嘴豆泥嗎？”

1071
00:53:51,770 --> 00:53:54,856
‪我心想：“什麼鬼？
‪什麼巧克力味的鷹嘴豆泥？”

1072
00:53:57,108 --> 00:54:00,028
‪然後我臉色就變得
‪跟世貿七號大樓一樣白，我暈了

1073
00:54:05,450 --> 00:54:07,619
‪我們找個機會一定要好好聊這件事

1074
00:54:08,787 --> 00:54:10,580
‪我有一次去一家

1075
00:54:10,664 --> 00:54:14,292
‪善於烹調南非料理的餐廳
‪那時我們去亞特蘭大拍電影

1076
00:54:14,376 --> 00:54:16,753
‪服務生走過來問說

1077
00:54:16,836 --> 00:54:19,339
‪“我們這裡有紅豆鷹嘴豆泥”

1078
00:54:19,422 --> 00:54:21,049
‪我就說：“他媽的你說什麼？”

1079
00:54:21,132 --> 00:54:23,718
‪他說：“我們這裡有紅豆鷹嘴豆泥”

1080
00:54:23,802 --> 00:54:26,221
‪我說：“老兄，這裡面有鷹嘴豆？”

1081
00:54:26,304 --> 00:54:29,474
‪他說：“不，它是紅豆鷹嘴豆泥”

1082
00:54:29,557 --> 00:54:32,435
‪我說：“裝肖維？‘哈姆斯’
‪這個字就是鷹嘴豆的意思啊！

1083
00:54:33,645 --> 00:54:35,939
‪你這是炸過的紅豆泥啊，畜生！”

1084
00:54:38,525 --> 00:54:41,069
‪“這是墨式豆泥好嗎，老兄！

1085
00:54:42,988 --> 00:54:45,907
‪現在你還要我接受
‪它成了墨西哥食物嗎？

1086
00:54:45,991 --> 00:54:48,743
‪這也叫鷹嘴豆泥？給我拿開！”

1087
00:54:49,786 --> 00:54:51,496
‪鷹嘴豆泥是很單純的一道菜

1088
00:54:51,579 --> 00:54:54,666
‪就四種材料，有時五種，就這樣而已

1089
00:54:54,749 --> 00:54:56,459
‪你準備鷹嘴豆、芝麻醬

1090
00:54:56,543 --> 00:54:59,337
‪檸檬汁、鹽巴
‪有時加點大蒜，就這樣

1091
00:54:59,421 --> 00:55:01,965
‪拿出食物處理機

1092
00:55:02,048 --> 00:55:03,258
‪就像做科學小實驗

1093
00:55:03,341 --> 00:55:04,551
‪把這些東西通通丟進去

1094
00:55:06,136 --> 00:55:08,263
‪“這味道不對，再多點芝麻醬”

1095
00:55:10,098 --> 00:55:11,558
‪“不對，再多點檸檬汁”

1096
00:55:12,892 --> 00:55:16,563
‪然後你就：“該死，全是檸檬汁味
‪再多點鷹嘴豆，多點芝麻醬”

1097
00:55:18,106 --> 00:55:19,816
‪“該死，又全是芝麻醬味道了

1098
00:55:19,899 --> 00:55:21,776
‪再多點檸檬汁”

1099
00:55:21,860 --> 00:55:23,528
‪“該死，又全是檸檬汁味了，要加鹽

1100
00:55:23,611 --> 00:55:26,322
‪還有鷹嘴豆跟芝麻醬”

1101
00:55:26,406 --> 00:55:27,782
‪“該死，再多點芝麻醬”

1102
00:55:28,867 --> 00:55:30,660
‪最後你說
‪“對啦！就是這個味道！”

1103
00:55:39,210 --> 00:55:42,047
‪恭喜獲得二十磅的鷹嘴豆泥

1104
00:55:47,135 --> 00:55:48,762
‪這真的很重要

1105
00:55:48,845 --> 00:55:50,930
‪你舀一匙出來，放到碗裡

1106
00:55:51,014 --> 00:55:53,016
‪知道吧？把鷹嘴豆泥放到碗裡

1107
00:55:53,099 --> 00:55:54,934
‪不是平盤

1108
00:55:55,018 --> 00:55:56,519
‪平盤的話

1109
00:55:56,603 --> 00:55:58,229
‪沒有人知道要怎麼挖起來吃

1110
00:55:58,313 --> 00:56:01,274
‪你只會在盤上畫一堆弧線而已

1111
00:56:01,357 --> 00:56:03,651
‪那樣只會把豆泥左右撥來撥去

1112
00:56:03,735 --> 00:56:05,487
‪到處亂飛

1113
00:56:05,570 --> 00:56:08,698
‪這是要用碗跟湯匙來吃的，懂了吧？

1114
00:56:09,532 --> 00:56:12,744
‪還沒完呢！你用碗裝好鷹嘴豆泥
‪要在正中央戳一個火山口

1115
00:56:12,827 --> 00:56:16,039
‪抓一點新鮮鷹嘴豆放到火山口
‪這樣做是為了增加口感，明白吧！

1116
00:56:16,122 --> 00:56:19,084
‪然後再倒一點橄欖油
‪不要那種亮黃色的

1117
00:56:19,167 --> 00:56:20,877
‪要放點深綠色的橄欖油

1118
00:56:20,960 --> 00:56:22,170
‪“我放橄欖油幹嘛？

1119
00:56:22,253 --> 00:56:24,714
‪意思意思倒一點當裝飾嗎？”

1120
00:56:24,798 --> 00:56:26,966
‪“屁啦！整瓶倒過來

1121
00:56:27,050 --> 00:56:28,760
‪就給它倒，盡管倒

1122
00:56:28,843 --> 00:56:31,471
‪一秒到密西西比，兩秒、三秒、四秒

1123
00:56:31,554 --> 00:56:34,474
‪你覺得倒太多的話
‪那肯定不夠，繼續倒”

1124
00:56:36,851 --> 00:56:37,852
‪好

1125
00:56:39,646 --> 00:56:41,773
‪最後呢，我喜歡再加點檸檬汁

1126
00:56:41,856 --> 00:56:43,733
‪再放點切丁的墨西哥辣椒

1127
00:56:43,817 --> 00:56:45,443
‪我會把辣椒像這樣放在邊角

1128
00:56:45,527 --> 00:56:46,820
‪現在我端上桌給你吃的

1129
00:56:46,903 --> 00:56:49,697
‪是超級原汁原味的巴勒斯坦鷹嘴豆泥

1130
00:56:49,781 --> 00:56:51,241
‪你要是抓胡蘿蔔來配

1131
00:56:51,324 --> 00:56:53,284
‪我會揍扁你

1132
00:56:54,202 --> 00:56:57,413
‪“我就想吃吃看
‪可是我得注意熱量攝取”

1133
00:56:57,497 --> 00:56:59,958
‪“又不是給你吃的，閃邊去啦！”

1134
00:57:00,792 --> 00:57:02,669
‪你需要配剛做好

1135
00:57:02,752 --> 00:57:04,796
‪熱騰騰冒著蒸氣的皮塔餅

1136
00:57:04,879 --> 00:57:06,631
‪像這樣撕下一小角皮塔餅

1137
00:57:06,714 --> 00:57:09,676
‪邊邊角角收進去
‪因為還熱呼呼的，會自然而然黏住

1138
00:57:09,759 --> 00:57:11,052
‪捲成一個完美的圓錐狀

1139
00:57:11,136 --> 00:57:13,096
‪然後你挖豆泥，要這樣挖

1140
00:57:13,179 --> 00:57:15,140
‪往自己的方向挖

1141
00:57:15,223 --> 00:57:16,516
‪不是往外挖啊！

1142
00:57:16,599 --> 00:57:19,686
‪你說：“我想嚐嚐那邊什麼味道”

1143
00:57:19,769 --> 00:57:23,106
‪“混帳，另一邊味道也一樣啦！”

1144
00:57:24,065 --> 00:57:27,777
‪“沒人想要你擦屁股的手
‪碰到他們要吃的鷹嘴豆泥好嗎？”

1145
00:57:27,861 --> 00:57:29,612
‪“可是我想嚐嚐那邊什麼味道”

1146
00:57:29,696 --> 00:57:32,949
‪“那我就在豆泥中間蓋一道牆”

1147
00:57:34,242 --> 00:57:36,035
‪“就是這裡”

1148
00:57:37,412 --> 00:57:39,456
‪行吧？那邊是鷹嘴豆泥

1149
00:57:39,539 --> 00:57:40,999
‪這邊也是鷹嘴豆泥

1150
00:57:41,082 --> 00:57:43,543
‪我想要一個碗就能解決的吃法

1151
00:57:43,626 --> 00:57:46,671
‪但你不分我吃
‪那我就會說：“肛死你！”

1152
00:57:47,839 --> 00:57:50,258
‪謝謝你們，休士頓
‪我超愛休士頓的大家

1153
00:57:50,341 --> 00:57:51,634
‪真的很謝謝你們

1154
00:57:57,599 --> 00:57:59,684
‪我愛你們大家，大家坐

1155
00:58:00,768 --> 00:58:02,729
‪真是美妙的表演，美妙的聚會

1156
00:58:02,812 --> 00:58:05,607
‪我非常看重這次演出

1157
00:58:06,941 --> 00:58:08,651
‪我告訴你們為什麼

1158
00:58:08,735 --> 00:58:10,278
‪對我如此意義非凡

1159
00:58:10,361 --> 00:58:12,780
‪我花了二十年才成為美國公民

1160
00:58:12,864 --> 00:58:14,741
‪這二十年我完成第一部喜劇專輯

1161
00:58:14,824 --> 00:58:16,284
‪我是巴勒斯坦人

1162
00:58:16,367 --> 00:58:20,413
‪也是我第一次終於能夠回到巴勒斯坦

1163
00:58:20,497 --> 00:58:22,499
‪因為美國不允許

1164
00:58:23,333 --> 00:58:26,836
‪不允許我就這樣回去

1165
00:58:26,920 --> 00:58:29,130
‪就算我媽在那裡出生
‪我外婆在那裡出生

1166
00:58:29,214 --> 00:58:31,508
‪我的祖母，甚至於我的曾祖母都是

1167
00:58:31,591 --> 00:58:34,511
‪就算我們在那裡擁有千年傳承的歷史

1168
00:58:34,594 --> 00:58:35,845
‪卻仍舊無法踏上故土

1169
00:58:35,929 --> 00:58:38,765
‪直到你取得美國護照為止

1170
00:58:38,848 --> 00:58:40,517
‪儘管如此，要去到那裡還是有阻礙

1171
00:58:40,600 --> 00:58:42,227
‪剛來到美國時，大家都問

1172
00:58:42,310 --> 00:58:43,603
‪“妳從哪裡來？

1173
00:58:43,686 --> 00:58:45,021
‪臭婊子，妳從哪裡來？”

1174
00:58:46,481 --> 00:58:48,399
‪她說：“烏茲別克”

1175
00:58:50,026 --> 00:58:51,027
‪真的很艱難

1176
00:58:53,154 --> 00:58:54,489
‪這一路走來很艱辛

1177
00:58:54,572 --> 00:58:56,658
‪你總是想要回鄉

1178
00:58:56,741 --> 00:58:59,035
‪你媽媽談起故鄉

1179
00:58:59,118 --> 00:59:01,496
‪你就想全家人能踏上故土
‪你就想去那裡看看

1180
00:59:01,579 --> 00:59:02,789
‪我說重回故土

1181
00:59:02,872 --> 00:59:06,084
‪不是你們想的那個意思
‪這裡也是我的家鄉

1182
00:59:06,167 --> 00:59:07,293
‪這是我家

1183
00:59:07,377 --> 00:59:10,129
‪我的父親葬在美國

1184
00:59:10,213 --> 00:59:11,631
‪你們懂吧？

1185
00:59:17,720 --> 00:59:19,264
‪所以我們首度

1186
00:59:19,347 --> 00:59:21,891
‪回到了普地鎮

1187
00:59:21,975 --> 00:59:24,686
‪那是納布盧斯附近的一個小鎮

1188
00:59:24,769 --> 00:59:25,979
‪我們家族的起源地

1189
00:59:26,813 --> 00:59:29,148
‪真的很美，我去看了我的嬸嬸阿姨們

1190
00:59:29,232 --> 00:59:30,942
‪真的很棒，她們準備一桌好菜

1191
00:59:31,025 --> 00:59:33,778
‪這個肚子不是平白無故大起來的

1192
00:59:33,861 --> 00:59:35,738
‪你們知道的，就一些家鄉菜

1193
00:59:35,822 --> 00:59:38,616
‪坐在她們身邊，我遠眺周遭風景

1194
00:59:38,700 --> 00:59:41,119
‪回想我的祖先、我的父親

1195
00:59:41,202 --> 00:59:42,662
‪還有我的一生

1196
00:59:42,745 --> 00:59:46,416
‪我心想：“我一定要去爺爺奶奶家
‪他們已經不在這世上了”

1197
00:59:46,499 --> 00:59:48,459
‪我說： “我要去爺爺奶奶家

1198
00:59:48,543 --> 00:59:50,169
‪我要去看媽媽出生的地方

1199
00:59:50,253 --> 00:59:52,046
‪我要去看，拜託帶我去”

1200
00:59:52,130 --> 00:59:55,300
‪所以他們就帶我去，我坐下

1201
00:59:55,383 --> 00:59:57,468
‪就忍不住落淚，是喜悅和幸福的淚水

1202
00:59:57,552 --> 00:59:58,803
‪發生了那麼多事情

1203
00:59:58,886 --> 01:00:01,097
‪我們走到屋頂，我四面八方都看了看

1204
01:00:01,180 --> 01:00:04,183
‪我就深吸一口氣
‪擦乾淚水，我說：“哇”

1205
01:00:04,267 --> 01:00:05,435
‪我看到那些牆

1206
01:00:06,019 --> 01:00:09,188
‪到處都是這種牆，真令人難過

1207
01:00:09,272 --> 01:00:12,817
‪真的很令人難過
‪很希望我們未來能跨越這些牆

1208
01:00:12,900 --> 01:00:15,987
‪看著村裡的景色
‪我很留心地觀察一切

1209
01:00:16,070 --> 01:00:18,448
‪我看到小鎮中心的清真寺

1210
01:00:18,531 --> 01:00:19,949
‪我看著我表弟問他

1211
01:00:20,033 --> 01:00:21,826
‪“那座清真寺有多少年了？”

1212
01:00:22,410 --> 01:00:24,871
‪“幾百年了，很久以前
‪就有那座清真寺了”

1213
01:00:24,954 --> 01:00:26,873
‪我說：“我一定要去那裡祈禱

1214
01:00:26,956 --> 01:00:28,750
‪我一定要去那裡祈禱

1215
01:00:28,833 --> 01:00:30,585
‪我敢說我爸
‪還有爺爺都去那裡祈禱過

1216
01:00:30,668 --> 01:00:32,712
‪甚至是祖爺爺都去過
‪我一定要去那裡祈禱”

1217
01:00:32,795 --> 01:00:33,630
‪他說：“走啊！”

1218
01:00:33,713 --> 01:00:36,424
‪所以我們就去了
‪我在那裡祈禱跟打坐

1219
01:00:36,507 --> 01:00:40,428
‪我說：“哇！能夠親身體驗
‪多美好，真的很棒！”

1220
01:00:40,511 --> 01:00:43,431
‪當時還有其他五個人在場

1221
01:00:43,514 --> 01:00:45,516
‪他們抬頭看了時鐘說

1222
01:00:45,600 --> 01:00:48,227
‪“是時候進行母親的禱告了”
‪我一臉問號說：“什麼東西？”

1223
01:00:48,311 --> 01:00:52,023
‪他說：“對，現在要進行宣禮了”

1224
01:00:52,106 --> 01:00:55,860
‪我說：“兄弟，我沒有要做宣禮
‪我才剛到耶！”

1225
01:00:56,653 --> 01:00:59,697
‪他們說：“可是你有鬍子啊！”
‪我說：“你不是也有嗎？”

1226
01:00:59,781 --> 01:01:02,575
‪“我是因為胖
‪不想讓別人看到我下巴，瞭？”

1227
01:01:03,242 --> 01:01:05,036
‪然後他說：“不行，你得主持宣禮”

1228
01:01:05,119 --> 01:01:08,164
‪“現在就是宣禮的時間
‪你得主持宣禮才行”

1229
01:01:08,247 --> 01:01:10,083
‪我說：“兄弟，我才不主持宣禮”

1230
01:01:10,166 --> 01:01:11,834
‪他們說：“你得做”

1231
01:01:11,918 --> 01:01:13,127
‪說：“你不會主持宣禮嗎？”

1232
01:01:13,211 --> 01:01:14,879
‪我說：“兄弟，我當然會

1233
01:01:14,962 --> 01:01:18,341
‪可是我得上，我還要用麥克風
‪那種超迷你麥克風講話

1234
01:01:18,424 --> 01:01:20,176
‪要講給全村的人聽？

1235
01:01:20,259 --> 01:01:21,886
‪我在幾千人面前表演過

1236
01:01:21,969 --> 01:01:25,098
‪那壓力很大，我很怕會出錯

1237
01:01:25,181 --> 01:01:28,393
‪現在這是有宗教意義的活動耶！”

1238
01:01:28,476 --> 01:01:31,562
‪他們說：“不行，你要做”
‪我只好說：“好吧，我上了”

1239
01:01:31,646 --> 01:01:32,897
‪我走上去

1240
01:01:32,980 --> 01:01:36,734
‪說：“表弟，你能不能站我旁邊
‪我很緊張，這樣我比較不會出錯”

1241
01:01:37,819 --> 01:01:39,278
‪我主持了宣禮

1242
01:01:39,946 --> 01:01:41,489
‪給全村的人聽

1243
01:01:41,572 --> 01:01:44,992
‪我臣服了，我的感覺就像說
‪“我的天，這真是不可思議！

1244
01:01:45,076 --> 01:01:47,286
‪這是為我安排好的劇本嗎？

1245
01:01:47,370 --> 01:01:48,913
‪我真不敢相信竟然發生這件事”

1246
01:01:48,996 --> 01:01:51,040
‪當時有個人

1247
01:01:51,124 --> 01:01:53,334
‪中途突然闖進來問

1248
01:01:53,418 --> 01:01:55,670
‪像這樣問說
‪“剛剛宣禮是誰主持的？”

1249
01:01:55,753 --> 01:01:57,088
‪大家就把我推出去

1250
01:01:57,171 --> 01:01:59,340
‪“就是他，剛剛主持宣禮的人”

1251
01:02:01,050 --> 01:02:02,301
‪“他就是剛剛主持宣禮的人”

1252
01:02:02,385 --> 01:02:04,262
‪我說：“你們是忘記啦？

1253
01:02:04,345 --> 01:02:06,222
‪是你們逼我主持的耶！”

1254
01:02:06,305 --> 01:02:07,432
‪他說：“你為什麼主持？”

1255
01:02:07,515 --> 01:02:09,809
‪我說：“我剛剛說了是他們逼我的”

1256
01:02:09,892 --> 01:02:12,729
‪他說：“你提早了十分鐘開始”

1257
01:02:12,812 --> 01:02:14,731
‪“你提早了十分鐘開始”

1258
01:02:14,814 --> 01:02:17,734
‪我說：“時鐘快了
‪所以剛剛已經到時間了”

1259
01:02:17,817 --> 01:02:19,736
‪他說：“那個時鐘快了十分鐘”

1260
01:02:19,819 --> 01:02:22,613
‪我說：“我不知道，那是電子鐘
‪按幾個按鈕

1261
01:02:22,697 --> 01:02:24,699
‪就可以校正時間了

1262
01:02:24,782 --> 01:02:26,367
‪你需要我校正它嗎？”

1263
01:02:26,451 --> 01:02:28,202
‪他說：“等等

1264
01:02:28,286 --> 01:02:30,121
‪我這輩子都住在村裡

1265
01:02:30,204 --> 01:02:31,748
‪這裡每個人我都認識

1266
01:02:31,831 --> 01:02:34,125
‪你是誰？我沒見過你

1267
01:02:34,208 --> 01:02:35,376
‪你父親是誰？”

1268
01:02:35,460 --> 01:02:36,627
‪我告訴他我的父親是誰

1269
01:02:36,711 --> 01:02:38,463
‪他說：“天啊！”

1270
01:02:39,172 --> 01:02:40,631
‪然後又說一次：“天啊！

1271
01:02:40,715 --> 01:02:41,716
‪你父親是穆斯塔法？”

1272
01:02:42,341 --> 01:02:44,594
‪我說：“對，我父親是穆斯塔法”

1273
01:02:45,261 --> 01:02:49,223
‪他說：“你知道
‪村裡的廣播系統誰裝的嗎？

1274
01:02:49,307 --> 01:02:50,933
‪就是你父親”

1275
01:03:03,946 --> 01:03:07,658
‪這真的是我這一生經歷過最美好的事

1276
01:03:07,742 --> 01:03:09,243
‪我一定要告訴你們

1277
01:03:09,327 --> 01:03:11,746
‪因為，正因為我是巴勒斯坦人

1278
01:03:11,829 --> 01:03:13,873
‪我被迫住在現在住的地方

1279
01:03:13,956 --> 01:03:16,000
‪我原本無法走到今天

1280
01:03:16,083 --> 01:03:18,127
‪是休士頓滋養我長大

1281
01:03:18,211 --> 01:03:21,255
‪然後現在
‪又有NETFLIX付我薪水

1282
01:03:21,339 --> 01:03:22,590
‪我超愛你們的

1283
01:03:24,050 --> 01:03:26,302
‪謝謝休士頓的大家，我愛你們

1284
01:03:44,987 --> 01:03:50,326
‪（獻給穆斯塔法阿瑪爾
‪生於1938年，卒於1995年）

1285
01:04:01,212 --> 01:04:03,714
‪在2021年9月6日

1286
01:04:03,798 --> 01:04:07,176
‪穆罕默德阿瑪爾
‪由於他的表演備受認可

1287
01:04:07,260 --> 01:04:10,263
‪不斷發人深省，予人鼓勵

1288
01:04:10,346 --> 01:04:12,890
‪讓大眾自然發笑的同時

1289
01:04:12,974 --> 01:04:15,518
‪替未能嶄露頭角的少數族群

1290
01:04:15,601 --> 01:04:17,979
‪那些阿拉伯裔美國人跟其他藝術家

1291
01:04:18,062 --> 01:04:19,939
‪提供了獨特出眾又意義非凡的鼓勵

1292
01:04:20,022 --> 01:04:21,357
‪因此

1293
01:04:21,440 --> 01:04:23,651
‪因此我，特納

1294
01:04:23,734 --> 01:04:25,403
‪休士頓市長

1295
01:04:25,486 --> 01:04:27,697
‪在此榮幸宣布訂立

1296
01:04:27,780 --> 01:04:30,533
‪2021年9月16日

1297
01:04:30,616 --> 01:04:35,037
‪為休士頓市的穆阿瑪爾日

1298
01:04:44,046 --> 01:04:45,923
‪字幕翻譯：洪貞韻