1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:07,799 --> 00:00:10,635 [quirky flute music playing] 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:19,602 --> 00:00:23,732 [single note paino music playing] 5 00:00:24,315 --> 00:00:27,068 -Ladies and gentleman. -[cheering] 6 00:00:27,152 --> 00:00:30,947 You can feel excitement in the air. 7 00:00:31,030 --> 00:00:34,743 Here we go, Houston, Texas! 8 00:00:34,826 --> 00:00:35,785 [cheering] 9 00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:38,455 Let's get this show on the road. 10 00:00:38,538 --> 00:00:42,125 Dwayne Johnson here, also known as The Rock, 11 00:00:42,208 --> 00:00:45,462 also known as La Roca in Spanish, 12 00:00:45,545 --> 00:00:48,882 also known as the sexiest motherfucker alive. 13 00:00:48,965 --> 00:00:51,468 It's not important right now, but what is important 14 00:00:51,551 --> 00:00:54,596 that you guys have come together to see one man. 15 00:00:54,679 --> 00:00:57,849 The man who hails from a place that many of you know. 16 00:00:57,932 --> 00:00:59,809 -The Alief area. -[cheering] 17 00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:00,727 Yes. [chuckles] 18 00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:03,646 "The SWAT" as we call it. 19 00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:06,399 Many amazing people have come out of the Swat. 20 00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:10,153 -Lizzo, Beyoncé, Travis Scott. -[cheering] 21 00:01:10,236 --> 00:01:14,199 And one other person, who you guys did not know has come out of the Swat, 22 00:01:14,282 --> 00:01:17,702 is the one and only people's champ, The Rock! 23 00:01:17,786 --> 00:01:19,370 [cheering] 24 00:01:19,454 --> 00:01:21,831 Well, just for tonight, I've come out of the Swat. 25 00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:23,792 But tomorrow I'll be from some place else. 26 00:01:23,875 --> 00:01:25,585 Probably Hawaii. Listen, 27 00:01:25,668 --> 00:01:27,879 what is important right now, [chuckles] is that 28 00:01:27,962 --> 00:01:31,382 I have the honor of introducing the man who you have come to see. 29 00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:35,428 Ladies and gentlemen of Houston, a warm hometown Houston welcome 30 00:01:35,512 --> 00:01:36,763 -for the man himself. -[whistling] 31 00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:38,556 The other people's champion. 32 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:42,352 My boy. Your boy. Mo Amer. 33 00:01:42,435 --> 00:01:45,980 -[cheering] -[deep base music drops] 34 00:01:46,981 --> 00:01:51,277 [cool slow-beats music playing] 35 00:01:52,237 --> 00:01:53,655 [cheering and whistling] 36 00:01:55,323 --> 00:01:56,407 What's up, Houston? 37 00:01:57,534 --> 00:01:59,786 All right, all right, all right, all right. 38 00:02:04,332 --> 00:02:06,709 Take a seat. Take a seat. Take a seat. 39 00:02:07,585 --> 00:02:10,255 -We made it! We made it. -[music fades out] 40 00:02:10,338 --> 00:02:11,965 We made it, y'all. 41 00:02:12,048 --> 00:02:13,675 For real, like, it's so amazing. 42 00:02:13,758 --> 00:02:17,554 We're all here together. I mean, after the last 19 months 43 00:02:17,637 --> 00:02:20,223 that we've had. I mean, we're here. We're together. 44 00:02:20,306 --> 00:02:21,975 As a live performer 45 00:02:22,058 --> 00:02:24,269 -I thought it was over, to be honest. -[laughing] 46 00:02:24,352 --> 00:02:26,729 And now we're here. That was the second time 47 00:02:26,813 --> 00:02:30,191 I ever thought my career potentially might be over. 48 00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:33,027 The first time… 49 00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:36,906 [laughing] 50 00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:38,783 was right after 9/11. 51 00:02:38,867 --> 00:02:42,287 [laughing and applause] 52 00:02:42,370 --> 00:02:46,082 Someone named Mohammed. I was like, "It's not looking good for me out here." 53 00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:48,168 -[laughing] -[Mo chuckles] 54 00:02:49,252 --> 00:02:51,671 Matter of fact, my own family turned on me. 55 00:02:51,754 --> 00:02:52,589 [laughing] 56 00:02:52,672 --> 00:02:56,843 My own brother looked me dead in my eyes and goes, "Your career is over." 57 00:02:56,926 --> 00:02:58,636 [laughing] 58 00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:01,222 I was like, "How could you say some shit like that to me?" 59 00:03:01,306 --> 00:03:03,516 "You know I always wanted to be a stand up comedian." 60 00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:06,477 He goes, "Look how they're talking about us on the news." 61 00:03:06,561 --> 00:03:10,398 "Nobody wants to see a Mohammed on stage telling jokes." 62 00:03:10,481 --> 00:03:12,567 "Your career is over." 63 00:03:12,650 --> 00:03:15,320 I said, "Omar, you're a pilot." 64 00:03:15,403 --> 00:03:18,281 [laughing and applause] 65 00:03:23,453 --> 00:03:24,787 Now I'm in a movie with The Rock. 66 00:03:24,871 --> 00:03:27,040 In your face, bitch. You know what I mean? [chuckles] 67 00:03:27,123 --> 00:03:30,668 [cheering and applause] 68 00:03:34,088 --> 00:03:35,214 Wow. 69 00:03:36,299 --> 00:03:38,509 Is it over though? [sighs] 70 00:03:38,593 --> 00:03:40,678 Is the pandemic over? [sighs] 71 00:03:40,762 --> 00:03:42,597 Was it real? [sighs] 72 00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:44,515 But what, is it over? 73 00:03:44,599 --> 00:03:47,143 No for real, I'm asking. Is it though? [soft grunt] 74 00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:50,897 I'm always like laughing and about to cry at any moment inside. 75 00:03:50,980 --> 00:03:55,151 I'm like [chuckles and grunts]. 76 00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:58,071 Was is real? Is it? 77 00:03:58,154 --> 00:03:59,948 You know what's real? Divorce is real. 78 00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:01,241 -Divorce… -[laughing] 79 00:04:01,324 --> 00:04:03,993 Divorce is real as fuck. 80 00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:05,954 Divorce is so real. 81 00:04:06,037 --> 00:04:07,914 I got divorced in the pandemic. 82 00:04:08,790 --> 00:04:11,042 It happened, you know. What are you gonna do? 83 00:04:11,125 --> 00:04:14,295 -[whistling] -We both-- one guy's happy. 84 00:04:14,379 --> 00:04:16,839 [soft cheering and applause] 85 00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:19,509 It's not like those stories that you hear where a comedian's like, 86 00:04:19,592 --> 00:04:20,760 "Fuck that bitch." No. 87 00:04:20,843 --> 00:04:22,720 It just didn't work out. You know what I mean? 88 00:04:22,804 --> 00:04:24,597 And it's fine. 89 00:04:24,681 --> 00:04:28,142 And when you're married for so long you're just use to certain things. 90 00:04:28,226 --> 00:04:30,019 I was dead asleep one night. 91 00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:32,480 -And then I farted so hard. -[laughing] 92 00:04:32,563 --> 00:04:35,608 I farted so hard I woke up ashamed. Like… [gasps] 93 00:04:35,692 --> 00:04:37,193 -Like this. -[laughing] 94 00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:40,363 And I looked over to my left and I apologized. 95 00:04:40,446 --> 00:04:43,783 -And there was nobody there! [laughs] -[laughing] 96 00:04:43,866 --> 00:04:45,576 I just turned over and cried. I was like… 97 00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:46,995 -[sobs] -[laughing] 98 00:04:47,078 --> 00:04:50,665 I wrote that shit down immediately. I'm like, "This is hilarious." [sobs] 99 00:04:50,748 --> 00:04:53,459 [sobs then laughs] 100 00:04:53,543 --> 00:04:55,545 [laughing] 101 00:04:55,628 --> 00:04:58,339 Is it real? Was it? 102 00:04:58,423 --> 00:05:00,091 Is it real? 103 00:05:00,174 --> 00:05:01,926 I don't know. 104 00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:03,344 -Fuck. -[laughing] 105 00:05:03,428 --> 00:05:05,096 It's how I feel… [grunts] 106 00:05:05,179 --> 00:05:07,223 …all the time. 107 00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:09,267 Pandemi-- you know, 108 00:05:09,350 --> 00:05:11,477 what the media did to us was, 109 00:05:11,561 --> 00:05:13,855 honestly, it feels unforgivable. 110 00:05:13,938 --> 00:05:16,149 It really did. It's like, 111 00:05:16,232 --> 00:05:18,067 "Panic!" [screams] 112 00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:20,987 "It's coming!" "What's coming?" "I don't know. It's coming." 113 00:05:21,070 --> 00:05:22,739 -[laughing] -[shouts] 114 00:05:22,822 --> 00:05:24,741 "Three people have it." "What? Huh?" 115 00:05:24,824 --> 00:05:26,409 "It's coming!" "What's coming?" 116 00:05:26,492 --> 00:05:27,577 "Something that has to do with a bat." 117 00:05:27,660 --> 00:05:29,829 "I don't know." "Bats are coming?" "No!" 118 00:05:29,912 --> 00:05:31,164 -"It came from a bat." -[laughing] 119 00:05:31,247 --> 00:05:33,666 "And it's this thing you can't see with your naked eye, 120 00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:34,876 but it's coming." 121 00:05:34,959 --> 00:05:36,085 "You're all gonna die." 122 00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:38,588 [screams] "But don't be scared." 123 00:05:38,671 --> 00:05:42,216 "Don't--" "What do you mean?" "Huh?" "I'm scared." 124 00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:44,761 "I'm worried." [chuckles] "Don't worry, just get Chlorox." 125 00:05:44,844 --> 00:05:46,679 -"You're gonna be fine." -[laughing] 126 00:05:46,763 --> 00:05:48,806 "Get as much Chlorox." 127 00:05:48,890 --> 00:05:51,267 [soft applause] 128 00:05:51,350 --> 00:05:53,686 -"But don't use the Chlorox… -[laughing] 129 00:05:53,770 --> 00:05:56,606 …before you use Chlorox on the Chlorox." 130 00:05:56,689 --> 00:05:59,025 -"Then you could use the Chlorox, okay." -[laughing] 131 00:05:59,108 --> 00:06:00,902 "When you get packages, 132 00:06:00,985 --> 00:06:02,779 fucking bathe with the packages." 133 00:06:02,862 --> 00:06:03,696 [laughing] 134 00:06:03,780 --> 00:06:05,448 They had us all a bunch of assholes. We're like… 135 00:06:05,531 --> 00:06:07,366 -[spraying noise] -[laughing] 136 00:06:07,450 --> 00:06:08,826 "Amazon came in." 137 00:06:08,910 --> 00:06:11,162 -[spraying noise] -[laughing] 138 00:06:11,245 --> 00:06:14,165 "It's fine, fan it out. It's fine." 139 00:06:14,248 --> 00:06:16,918 [soft cheers and applause] 140 00:06:17,001 --> 00:06:17,919 [screams] 141 00:06:18,002 --> 00:06:19,045 [laughing] 142 00:06:19,128 --> 00:06:21,005 "Put on a mask." "How many masks?" 143 00:06:21,089 --> 00:06:22,507 It kept changing. 144 00:06:22,590 --> 00:06:23,466 [laughing] 145 00:06:23,549 --> 00:06:26,052 "Put on a mask. One mask.", Fauci said. 146 00:06:26,135 --> 00:06:29,472 "One mask is like 33% protection." 147 00:06:29,555 --> 00:06:31,099 "Two masks are like 148 00:06:31,182 --> 00:06:33,434 -66% protection." -[laughing] 149 00:06:33,518 --> 00:06:36,854 "Three masks are like 97% protection." 150 00:06:36,938 --> 00:06:39,649 -And then a plastic bag, just 100%. -[laughing] 151 00:06:39,732 --> 00:06:43,736 Just kill yourself. Just… [grunts] asphyxiate. 152 00:06:44,529 --> 00:06:46,864 "Oh, no, we lost another one to COVID!" 153 00:06:46,948 --> 00:06:47,782 [laughing] 154 00:06:47,865 --> 00:06:48,950 "Nah, bro, 155 00:06:49,033 --> 00:06:51,577 one more bag, bro. He killed himself." 156 00:06:51,661 --> 00:06:53,496 [laughing] 157 00:06:54,539 --> 00:06:55,581 [huffs] 158 00:06:56,582 --> 00:06:58,167 "Stay home. We figured it out." 159 00:06:58,251 --> 00:06:59,627 "Stay home." "How long?" 160 00:06:59,710 --> 00:07:01,420 "I don't know." [laughs] 161 00:07:01,504 --> 00:07:04,090 -"Monthses, I think." -[laughing] 162 00:07:04,173 --> 00:07:05,216 "How many monthses?" 163 00:07:05,299 --> 00:07:07,844 -"Just monthses, bro, I don't know." -[laughing] 164 00:07:07,927 --> 00:07:09,137 "It's gonna be monthses." 165 00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:11,430 -"How many monthses?" "We don't know." -[laughing] 166 00:07:11,514 --> 00:07:14,100 "You're supposed to know." "I know." 167 00:07:14,183 --> 00:07:15,643 "But we don't know." 168 00:07:15,726 --> 00:07:17,311 "It's monthses. Just stay home." "Well, 169 00:07:17,395 --> 00:07:19,147 I have to go to work." 170 00:07:19,230 --> 00:07:20,440 "Fuck your job," they said. 171 00:07:20,523 --> 00:07:21,566 [laughing] 172 00:07:21,649 --> 00:07:23,276 "Fuck your job." 173 00:07:23,359 --> 00:07:25,278 "What do you mean, fuck my job?" 174 00:07:25,361 --> 00:07:26,529 "I don't have to pay rent?" 175 00:07:26,612 --> 00:07:28,281 -"Whoa, hold on, take it easy." -[laughing] 176 00:07:28,364 --> 00:07:30,491 "Capitalism. Take it easy." 177 00:07:30,575 --> 00:07:32,493 "You still have to pay your rent." 178 00:07:32,577 --> 00:07:34,662 "Oh, so, hold on, but then I have to go to-- 179 00:07:34,745 --> 00:07:35,705 well, then, send me money. 180 00:07:35,788 --> 00:07:37,623 You know what just send me money." 181 00:07:37,707 --> 00:07:39,459 "No, whoa, what are you, a crackhead, bro?" 182 00:07:39,542 --> 00:07:41,043 [laughing] 183 00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:43,421 "We can't send you money if-- if--" 184 00:07:43,504 --> 00:07:45,756 "What are you talking about? We can't 185 00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:47,967 send you--" "Why you stuttering a lot, bro?" 186 00:07:48,050 --> 00:07:51,220 "Just send me this money." "We-- we don't have any money, okay." 187 00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:52,263 [soft laughing] 188 00:07:52,346 --> 00:07:54,015 "We don't have any--" "What are you talking about?" 189 00:07:54,098 --> 00:07:56,726 "We send you money, but that's how this works, okay." 190 00:07:56,809 --> 00:07:58,895 "We send you money and you allocate it 191 00:07:58,978 --> 00:08:01,731 for different buckets. Right. You got Social security, 192 00:08:01,814 --> 00:08:04,650 you got Medicare, Medicaid, there's a lot of buckets." 193 00:08:04,734 --> 00:08:06,486 "And I'm sure you have a rainy day fund." 194 00:08:06,569 --> 00:08:08,738 "Bro, you gotta have a rainy day fund." 195 00:08:08,821 --> 00:08:10,907 "And it's pouring outside." 196 00:08:10,990 --> 00:08:14,035 -"Fucking full blown hurricane season." -[laughing] 197 00:08:14,118 --> 00:08:16,537 "Seven hurricanes hitting at the same time." 198 00:08:16,621 --> 00:08:18,164 "Send me some fucking money." 199 00:08:18,247 --> 00:08:21,292 -"I have a confession, we're broke. Okay." -[laughing] 200 00:08:21,375 --> 00:08:23,794 "What do you mean you're broke? You're the federal government." 201 00:08:23,878 --> 00:08:25,379 [laughs] "I know, I know." 202 00:08:25,463 --> 00:08:27,423 I know, we're in debt, okay." [chuckles] 203 00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:30,343 -"We're in debt, all right, it's--" -[laughing] 204 00:08:30,426 --> 00:08:32,553 "It's a lot of-- it's debt, okay." 205 00:08:32,637 --> 00:08:34,972 "How much debt?" "We're just minus okay. We're just…" 206 00:08:35,056 --> 00:08:36,474 [laughing] 207 00:08:36,557 --> 00:08:39,227 "We're just--" "I know what debt means, bro, just 208 00:08:39,310 --> 00:08:41,729 how much minus?" "It's a lot of minuses." 209 00:08:41,812 --> 00:08:42,772 [laughing] 210 00:08:42,855 --> 00:08:45,525 "So much minus. A lot of minus." 211 00:08:45,608 --> 00:08:47,985 "Just spit it out. How much is it?" 212 00:08:48,069 --> 00:08:49,487 "Twenty trillion dollars." 213 00:08:49,570 --> 00:08:50,488 [laughing] 214 00:08:50,571 --> 00:08:52,323 "Twenty trillion dollars?" 215 00:08:52,406 --> 00:08:54,283 "Who's balancing this cheque book?" 216 00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:55,201 [laughing] 217 00:08:55,284 --> 00:08:59,372 "MC Hammer? Who's managing this whole situation?" 218 00:09:00,456 --> 00:09:03,793 "How did you get 20 trillion dollars minus?" 219 00:09:03,876 --> 00:09:07,421 -"Killing Brown people is so expensive." -[audience cries out in surprise] 220 00:09:07,505 --> 00:09:09,465 "Oh!" 221 00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:12,385 "It's so expensive." 222 00:09:12,885 --> 00:09:16,055 [loud sigh] "Just so much. So 223 00:09:16,138 --> 00:09:19,141 as you can see, we can't send you money." 224 00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:22,687 "If we're in minus. Overdraft fees are piling up. We can't… 225 00:09:22,770 --> 00:09:23,604 [laughing] 226 00:09:23,688 --> 00:09:26,440 send you out of minus." [laughs] 227 00:09:26,524 --> 00:09:27,733 "What, Kyle?" 228 00:09:27,817 --> 00:09:29,860 "The stock market is gonna fail?" 229 00:09:29,944 --> 00:09:32,446 "Holy shit, Kyle. Heat up the printer." 230 00:09:32,530 --> 00:09:34,532 -"Heat up the fucking printer." -[laughing] 231 00:09:34,615 --> 00:09:37,201 "Make three trillion dollars appear." 232 00:09:37,285 --> 00:09:40,830 "And let's funnel it into the Ponzi scheme that is the stock market." 233 00:09:40,913 --> 00:09:42,164 [soft laughing] 234 00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:45,126 Because the stock market is a direct reflection 235 00:09:45,209 --> 00:09:47,378 of American hearts everywhere. 236 00:09:47,461 --> 00:09:49,088 If the arrow's going down that means 237 00:09:49,171 --> 00:09:53,217 hearts and souls of Americans everywhere is also going down. 238 00:09:53,301 --> 00:09:55,428 "But look it's working, it's going up!" 239 00:09:55,511 --> 00:09:57,597 "Americans are happy again." 240 00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:58,681 -"It's going up." -[laughing] 241 00:09:58,764 --> 00:10:00,016 "It's sky rocketing!" 242 00:10:00,099 --> 00:10:03,019 "Wait, wait, wait. How the fuck is it sky rocketing?" 243 00:10:03,102 --> 00:10:05,646 "We're all at home. I thought…" 244 00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:06,939 [laughing] 245 00:10:07,023 --> 00:10:08,691 -I… -[laughing and applause] 246 00:10:08,774 --> 00:10:09,609 "How is it…" 247 00:10:09,692 --> 00:10:12,820 [soft laughing and applause] 248 00:10:12,903 --> 00:10:14,488 "How…" 249 00:10:14,572 --> 00:10:16,282 "How is this thing going up?" 250 00:10:16,365 --> 00:10:18,868 "I thought it was all based off of revenue streams 251 00:10:18,951 --> 00:10:20,494 and quarterly earnings. 252 00:10:20,578 --> 00:10:22,163 And nobody's working." 253 00:10:22,246 --> 00:10:23,873 "I get Amazon. Shit." [laughs] 254 00:10:23,956 --> 00:10:27,168 "Everybody is at home ordering, this should be sky rocketing." 255 00:10:27,251 --> 00:10:28,544 "Well, fuck you, Jeff Bezos, 256 00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:30,838 and thank you, Jeff Bezos, all at the same time. 257 00:10:30,921 --> 00:10:33,090 "Like, but how is this still going up, bro?" 258 00:10:33,174 --> 00:10:36,427 "I thought this was all based off of money coming in. Everybody's at home." 259 00:10:36,510 --> 00:10:38,304 -"Look man, shut the fuck up, okay!" -[laughing] 260 00:10:38,387 --> 00:10:40,973 "Just look at the arrow. God, can't you just shut shut your mouth 261 00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:43,059 and just be happy that the arrow's going up?" 262 00:10:43,142 --> 00:10:45,561 "No, I can't, bro. We need money." 263 00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:47,772 "Look here's $1,200. Hush money." 264 00:10:47,855 --> 00:10:49,649 "Shut the fuck up." 265 00:10:49,732 --> 00:10:52,401 [laughing and applause] 266 00:10:53,778 --> 00:10:56,864 "Thank you. That'll last me a week. I appreciate that." [laughs] 267 00:10:56,947 --> 00:10:58,199 "Stop trying to distract me." 268 00:10:58,282 --> 00:11:00,701 "How the fuck is this arrow going up, though, for real?" 269 00:11:00,785 --> 00:11:02,745 "Homelessness is at an all-time high." 270 00:11:02,828 --> 00:11:05,122 "Look, aliens are real. Chew on that for a little bit." 271 00:11:05,206 --> 00:11:06,499 "What?" 272 00:11:06,582 --> 00:11:07,667 [laughing] 273 00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:11,128 "You talk to them?" "Yeah, bro, all the time, it's crazy." 274 00:11:11,212 --> 00:11:14,840 "Just look at the arrow, all right." "No, still, like, so many unemployed." 275 00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:17,510 "Fifty million people unemployed. How the fuck 276 00:11:17,593 --> 00:11:20,679 is the arrow going up, bro?" "Look, 277 00:11:20,763 --> 00:11:21,889 Jada cheated on Will Smith. 278 00:11:21,972 --> 00:11:23,641 -Chew on that for a little bit." -[laughing] 279 00:11:23,724 --> 00:11:25,059 "What?" 280 00:11:25,142 --> 00:11:27,353 "Why, Jada, why?" 281 00:11:27,436 --> 00:11:28,354 [laughing] 282 00:11:28,437 --> 00:11:29,271 "What happened?" 283 00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:32,191 "Something about entanglements, I don't know, it's crazy." 284 00:11:32,274 --> 00:11:33,609 "Just look at the arrow." 285 00:11:33,692 --> 00:11:34,860 "Just look at the fucking arrow." 286 00:11:34,944 --> 00:11:37,863 "No, for real, stop trying to distract me, bro. How is this arrow 287 00:11:37,947 --> 00:11:40,032 still going up, okay? Please explain yourself." 288 00:11:40,116 --> 00:11:42,159 "Look, I've got a hot tip for you, okay." 289 00:11:42,243 --> 00:11:43,452 "Cryptocurrency." 290 00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:44,453 [laughing] 291 00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:46,455 "What the fuck is cryptocurrency?" 292 00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:49,750 "It's these little people inside of a computer." 293 00:11:49,834 --> 00:11:52,128 "And they're just mining. They're just mining 294 00:11:52,211 --> 00:11:54,130 for these digital coins, okay." 295 00:11:54,213 --> 00:11:57,007 "What you do is, you move the real fake money 296 00:11:57,091 --> 00:11:58,467 over to the… 297 00:11:58,551 --> 00:11:59,510 [laughing] 298 00:11:59,593 --> 00:12:01,137 over to the more real fake money." 299 00:12:01,220 --> 00:12:02,972 -[laughing] -"And what you do is, you just move, once 300 00:12:03,055 --> 00:12:06,058 you have more real fake money, you move your real fake money over here" 301 00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:07,143 "and you just keep doing that." 302 00:12:07,726 --> 00:12:09,270 "I'm so confused." 303 00:12:09,353 --> 00:12:11,939 "Hey, man, I've got another hot tip for you. NFT's." 304 00:12:12,022 --> 00:12:14,108 -"What the fuck is a NFT?" -[shouts and laughing] 305 00:12:14,191 --> 00:12:15,359 [applause] 306 00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:17,862 "It's a blockchain of ownership…" 307 00:12:17,945 --> 00:12:19,905 "You know what, I'm just gonna put a plastic bag over my head. 308 00:12:19,989 --> 00:12:21,031 Fuck this shit." 309 00:12:21,115 --> 00:12:22,199 [laughing and applause] 310 00:12:22,283 --> 00:12:25,953 [cheering] 311 00:12:27,204 --> 00:12:28,664 Is it real? 312 00:12:29,957 --> 00:12:31,292 COVID's real. 313 00:12:31,959 --> 00:12:34,628 I had it. Dave Chappelle gave me COVID. That's right. 314 00:12:34,712 --> 00:12:36,380 [laughing] 315 00:12:36,464 --> 00:12:37,923 Well, that was the second time. 316 00:12:38,007 --> 00:12:38,883 [laughing] 317 00:12:38,966 --> 00:12:42,344 But the first time, he hits me up right at the beginning of the pandemic. 318 00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:44,096 He's like, "Say, Mo, what are you doing?" 319 00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:46,765 I'm like, "I don't know if you've been watching the news, bro." 320 00:12:46,849 --> 00:12:48,392 "I'm at home, dog, that's what I'm doing." 321 00:12:48,476 --> 00:12:49,393 [laughing] 322 00:12:49,477 --> 00:12:52,521 "That's what you do. We're all at home. I don't know if you were watching." 323 00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:54,482 He was like, "Yeah, you can't let them break us." 324 00:12:54,565 --> 00:12:55,900 I'm like, "We're broken, bro." 325 00:12:55,983 --> 00:12:57,401 "The whole country 326 00:12:57,485 --> 00:12:59,236 is broken." 327 00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:00,779 He was like, "That's why I'm hitting you up." 328 00:13:00,863 --> 00:13:04,283 "I'm gonna do these shows out in this cornfield in Ohio." 329 00:13:04,366 --> 00:13:07,536 I was like, "I don't know, man, this doesn't sound very, I'm not sure, 330 00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:08,871 you know." He was like, "No, no." 331 00:13:08,954 --> 00:13:11,582 "We're gonna test everybody every three days." 332 00:13:11,665 --> 00:13:13,250 "It's gonna be very safe. We're gonna do the best we can. 333 00:13:13,334 --> 00:13:14,585 Nothing is guaranteed, of course." 334 00:13:14,668 --> 00:13:16,212 "We're gonna do the best that we can, every--" 335 00:13:16,295 --> 00:13:19,507 I was like, "You have testing machines, bro? This is 336 00:13:19,590 --> 00:13:21,592 the beginning of the pandemic." 337 00:13:21,675 --> 00:13:22,510 [laughing] 338 00:13:22,593 --> 00:13:25,429 "Like, how did you get testing machines?" He just went nuts, 339 00:13:25,513 --> 00:13:27,223 He was like, "Say, nigga, I'm Dave Chappelle. 340 00:13:27,306 --> 00:13:28,474 Of course I got these--" 341 00:13:28,557 --> 00:13:29,683 [cheering and applause] 342 00:13:29,767 --> 00:13:31,268 I was like, "Good point." 343 00:13:32,061 --> 00:13:33,187 Really good point. 344 00:13:34,313 --> 00:13:37,566 So we go, I go to Ohio. 345 00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:39,860 And it was a amazing run of shows, like, 346 00:13:39,944 --> 00:13:43,072 almost four months of doing these shows. 347 00:13:43,155 --> 00:13:44,365 And we almost made it, but 348 00:13:44,448 --> 00:13:46,534 we had outbreaks and we had to stop it. 349 00:13:46,617 --> 00:13:48,452 And he made it into a documentary film. 350 00:13:48,536 --> 00:13:50,579 It's an incredible documentary film. 351 00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:53,249 I saw it at Radio City Music Hall. 352 00:13:53,332 --> 00:13:55,251 It was the first time that I got to see it. 353 00:13:55,334 --> 00:13:57,378 And then I watched it and I was like, "Wait, 354 00:13:57,461 --> 00:13:59,838 the end of the movie makes it look like 355 00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:02,216 I ruined the whole fucking party." 356 00:14:02,299 --> 00:14:03,133 [laughing] 357 00:14:03,217 --> 00:14:06,136 I got COVID and the whole thing had to shut down 358 00:14:06,220 --> 00:14:07,680 because I was being a bitch. 359 00:14:07,763 --> 00:14:09,181 I was like, "Wait, hold on a second." 360 00:14:09,265 --> 00:14:10,724 I walked up to Dave. I'm like, "Dave, 361 00:14:10,808 --> 00:14:12,810 the way you edited this, you made it look 362 00:14:12,893 --> 00:14:15,062 that Mohammed was the villain in the whole situation." 363 00:14:15,145 --> 00:14:15,980 [laughing] 364 00:14:16,063 --> 00:14:17,773 "That's not the truth, bro. I didn't do--" 365 00:14:17,856 --> 00:14:19,858 He's like, "Ah, man, nobody's gonna think this." 366 00:14:19,942 --> 00:14:21,610 And right after he walks away 367 00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:22,945 Bradley Cooper walks up. 368 00:14:23,028 --> 00:14:25,364 He's like, "Man, this is really fucked up how you just 369 00:14:25,447 --> 00:14:26,490 -ruined the… -[laughing] 370 00:14:26,574 --> 00:14:28,367 ruined the party in Ohio." 371 00:14:28,450 --> 00:14:29,743 I was like, "It wasn't me." 372 00:14:29,827 --> 00:14:32,830 "An award-winning film maker is saying that this is what it looks like." 373 00:14:32,913 --> 00:14:35,457 "Oh, no!" And it wasn't my fault. 374 00:14:35,541 --> 00:14:38,085 It was this tiny little lady. She was really small. 375 00:14:38,168 --> 00:14:40,421 -And she was handsy. Really handsy. -[laughing] 376 00:14:40,504 --> 00:14:43,090 And she was touching me all the time. "Hi, Mo." [giggles] 377 00:14:43,173 --> 00:14:44,258 -"Hi." -[laughing] 378 00:14:44,341 --> 00:14:45,634 Just doing this all the time. 379 00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:47,386 I'm like, "Hey, stop touching me right now." 380 00:14:47,469 --> 00:14:51,056 "First of all, it's a pandemic. Like, I don't you that well enough" 381 00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:52,725 "and stop touching me, like--" 382 00:14:52,808 --> 00:14:55,436 And then she fake-coughed in my face. 383 00:14:55,519 --> 00:14:57,062 [fake coughs] Like this. 384 00:14:57,146 --> 00:14:59,565 And I was like, "I love dark humor, but that's-- 385 00:14:59,648 --> 00:15:01,483 -[laughing] -That's not funny!" 386 00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:04,320 "It's not funny, bitch. It's not funny." 387 00:15:04,403 --> 00:15:07,573 And then she tested positive three days later. 388 00:15:07,656 --> 00:15:08,616 [audience sympathizes] 389 00:15:08,699 --> 00:15:11,035 I was like, "I knew she was Israeli. I knew it." 390 00:15:11,118 --> 00:15:14,413 -[laughing and applause] -I knew it. 391 00:15:14,496 --> 00:15:15,706 I knew it. 392 00:15:19,793 --> 00:15:22,129 They were having a meeting in Hollywood. 393 00:15:22,212 --> 00:15:25,049 They were like, "This Palestinian's getting too powerful." 394 00:15:25,132 --> 00:15:26,216 [laughing] 395 00:15:26,300 --> 00:15:29,011 "Just send him this unassuming little gremlin 396 00:15:29,094 --> 00:15:31,221 to try and kill him with COVID." 397 00:15:31,805 --> 00:15:33,807 I survived, bitch! I survived! 398 00:15:33,891 --> 00:15:35,100 [laughing] 399 00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:37,269 That was the first time I got COVID. 400 00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:38,354 [laughing] 401 00:15:38,437 --> 00:15:39,521 The second time, 402 00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:41,148 Dave Chappelle calls me again. 403 00:15:41,231 --> 00:15:42,107 [laughing] 404 00:15:42,191 --> 00:15:43,525 Saying, "Man, what you doing?" 405 00:15:43,609 --> 00:15:45,611 I'm like, "I'm recovering from COVID." 406 00:15:45,694 --> 00:15:47,196 [laughing] 407 00:15:48,197 --> 00:15:49,740 He's like, "I'm gonna do these shows 408 00:15:49,823 --> 00:15:52,076 in Austin. Joe Rogan is gonna be on it." 409 00:15:52,159 --> 00:15:53,202 "It's gonna be dope." 410 00:15:53,285 --> 00:15:56,956 "You should join." I'm like, "Dave, I don't know if this really worked out 411 00:15:57,039 --> 00:15:58,707 for me the first time." 412 00:15:58,791 --> 00:16:00,250 [laughing] 413 00:16:00,334 --> 00:16:01,835 And he was like, "Nah, man, this is gonna be different." 414 00:16:01,919 --> 00:16:03,462 "We gonna test every day." 415 00:16:03,545 --> 00:16:06,632 "Last time we were only testing every three days. We're gonna test every day." 416 00:16:06,715 --> 00:16:07,925 "So we gonna catch that ho 417 00:16:08,008 --> 00:16:09,218 and put her in a closet." 418 00:16:09,301 --> 00:16:10,219 [laughing] 419 00:16:10,302 --> 00:16:13,055 "You'd be straight." I was like, "Fuck it, let's do it." 420 00:16:13,138 --> 00:16:15,099 -[huffs] -[laughing] 421 00:16:15,182 --> 00:16:17,101 We're like ten days into doing shows 422 00:16:17,184 --> 00:16:19,061 and Dave walks up to me and he's like, "Hey, man, 423 00:16:19,144 --> 00:16:21,021 I got this joint from Jay-Z." 424 00:16:21,105 --> 00:16:22,064 I was like, "What?" 425 00:16:22,147 --> 00:16:24,274 He was like, "Yeah, I got this joint from Jay-Z." 426 00:16:24,358 --> 00:16:25,442 I was like, "Jay-Z's here?" 427 00:16:25,526 --> 00:16:27,653 He was like, "Nah, man, Jay-Z has a weed company 428 00:16:27,736 --> 00:16:29,279 and he sent me these joints." 429 00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:30,572 [laughing] 430 00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:34,201 "You wanna go? Let's go roll around your car and let's smoke this together." 431 00:16:34,284 --> 00:16:37,204 I'm like, "Shit, Dave Chappelle has a joint from Jay-Z 432 00:16:37,287 --> 00:16:39,415 asking Mo Amer if he wants to smoke this shit, 433 00:16:39,498 --> 00:16:42,292 you're damn right, I'm gonna smoke the shit out of this joint." 434 00:16:42,376 --> 00:16:43,919 [cheering and applause] 435 00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,254 Obvious. 436 00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:51,301 So then we're cruising and then he lights up the joint. 437 00:16:51,385 --> 00:16:52,469 And I should've known better! 438 00:16:52,553 --> 00:16:56,015 Because he took a hit and then he goes… [coughs] like this. 439 00:16:56,098 --> 00:16:58,183 [laughing] 440 00:16:58,267 --> 00:16:59,476 I was like, "You okay, Dave?" 441 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:01,270 He was like, "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." 442 00:17:01,353 --> 00:17:04,523 "I'm fine. This Jay-Z weed makes you do Jay-Z impressions like…" 443 00:17:04,606 --> 00:17:06,567 [coughs] "Djeah!" 444 00:17:06,650 --> 00:17:08,986 [cheering and applause] 445 00:17:12,614 --> 00:17:14,950 I took the joint. I took a couple of hits. I was like, [coughs] 446 00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:16,952 -"… djeah-hova!" [chuckles] -[laughing] 447 00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:18,495 Smoke it. 448 00:17:18,579 --> 00:17:20,664 We laughed. It was a great ride. 449 00:17:20,748 --> 00:17:24,334 And then I dropped Dave off because it was like 30 minutes until show time. 450 00:17:24,418 --> 00:17:26,795 And then I started texting him, I was like, "Say, bro, 451 00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:28,130 you want me to swoop you up?" 452 00:17:28,213 --> 00:17:30,549 "Is there special guests, should I come later?" 453 00:17:30,632 --> 00:17:32,843 And he went silent. And I was like, "This is weird." 454 00:17:32,926 --> 00:17:35,512 "Dave, we just dropped you off, bro. This is really odd." 455 00:17:35,596 --> 00:17:36,805 And then friends 456 00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:39,266 started texting me. They haven't heard from him in, like, weeks. 457 00:17:39,349 --> 00:17:41,351 They were like, "Hey, man, is Dave okay?" 458 00:17:41,435 --> 00:17:42,603 I'm like, "Yeah, Dave's okay." 459 00:17:42,686 --> 00:17:44,521 "You don't know him, that's my boy." 460 00:17:44,605 --> 00:17:46,106 -[laughing] -"What are you talking about?" 461 00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:47,024 "We just hanging out." 462 00:17:47,107 --> 00:17:48,525 And then they sent me a link. 463 00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:49,860 I was like, "What is this link?" 464 00:17:49,943 --> 00:17:51,904 So I touched the link and it opens up. 465 00:17:51,987 --> 00:17:54,364 And it's TMZ front page news, 466 00:17:54,448 --> 00:17:56,992 "Dave Chappelle tests positive for COVID." 467 00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:57,910 [sympathy from audience] 468 00:17:57,993 --> 00:17:59,536 Then I was like, "This can't be true!" 469 00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:01,580 And then I was like, "Shit, 470 00:18:01,663 --> 00:18:04,166 It's TMZ, they're always right, these motherfuckers." 471 00:18:04,249 --> 00:18:05,084 [laughing] 472 00:18:05,167 --> 00:18:07,377 I was like, "How did they know before I knew?" 473 00:18:07,461 --> 00:18:09,379 "I just dropped off Dave." 474 00:18:09,463 --> 00:18:11,632 "He called them before he called me." 475 00:18:11,715 --> 00:18:13,717 "Fuck. That's fucked up, bro." 476 00:18:13,801 --> 00:18:15,344 And then he tried to deny it. 477 00:18:15,427 --> 00:18:16,303 I walked up to him and I was like, 478 00:18:16,386 --> 00:18:19,098 "Dave, it's fucked up you gave me COVID a second time." 479 00:18:19,181 --> 00:18:22,434 And he goes, "There's no way to really prove that, Mo." 480 00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:23,894 [laughing] 481 00:18:24,728 --> 00:18:25,813 [laughs] 482 00:18:25,896 --> 00:18:28,565 I was like, "Bro, the first day you tested positive 483 00:18:28,649 --> 00:18:30,567 I was smoking a joint with you." 484 00:18:30,651 --> 00:18:32,986 "Minutes before you tested positive." 485 00:18:33,070 --> 00:18:35,155 And he got silent and he just goes, 486 00:18:36,573 --> 00:18:38,659 -"I'm sorry I gave you COVID, bro." -[laughing] 487 00:18:38,742 --> 00:18:40,702 [huffs] 488 00:18:42,287 --> 00:18:44,790 And then he goes, "Walk it off, at least it's not AIDS." 489 00:18:44,873 --> 00:18:46,375 And he's just walking around like this. 490 00:18:46,458 --> 00:18:48,794 [laughing and applause] 491 00:18:50,879 --> 00:18:52,756 [Mo laughs] 492 00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:54,216 Is it over? [chuckles] 493 00:18:54,299 --> 00:18:55,217 Is it? 494 00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:59,972 -[grunts and laughs] -[laughing] 495 00:19:00,055 --> 00:19:01,306 [laughs] 496 00:19:03,934 --> 00:19:07,146 So I am done. I had that shit twice. Okay. 497 00:19:07,229 --> 00:19:09,857 Fauci, "Only seven people in the world 498 00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:11,650 have ever gotten it twi--" 499 00:19:11,733 --> 00:19:12,693 Bullshit! 500 00:19:12,776 --> 00:19:15,696 I'm special, but I'm not that fucking special, Fauci. 501 00:19:15,779 --> 00:19:16,613 [laughing] 502 00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:18,574 So I'm done. I had it twice. 503 00:19:18,657 --> 00:19:20,450 And I'm vaccinated. I'm over it. 504 00:19:20,534 --> 00:19:22,661 I'm over it. I got the Pfizer vaccine. 505 00:19:22,744 --> 00:19:23,579 -[cheering] -That's what I want. 506 00:19:23,662 --> 00:19:26,039 Everybody has their favorites, but I went with Pfizer. I want… 507 00:19:26,123 --> 00:19:27,249 [laughing] 508 00:19:27,332 --> 00:19:29,376 I want like a German scientist making my shit, 509 00:19:29,459 --> 00:19:30,544 -you know what I'm saying? -[laughing] 510 00:19:30,627 --> 00:19:31,503 I want the guy like, 511 00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:33,881 [in fake German accent] "Yavi, hows the Pfizer? Ya!" 512 00:19:34,464 --> 00:19:36,925 "We knew he was coming out of Wuhan." 513 00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:39,803 "The COVID. And we are way ahead of schedule." 514 00:19:39,887 --> 00:19:42,055 "Ya! We have the vaccine! The Pfizer!" 515 00:19:42,139 --> 00:19:44,558 -That's the one I want. That's what I-- -[cheering and applause] 516 00:19:44,641 --> 00:19:45,684 The what? 517 00:19:45,767 --> 00:19:47,060 [cheering and applause] 518 00:19:47,144 --> 00:19:48,103 "Yaza!" [chuckles] 519 00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:50,981 "Hmm, ya, iz good, ya, we have the Pfizer." 520 00:19:51,064 --> 00:19:52,149 -[chuckles] -[laughing] 521 00:19:52,232 --> 00:19:54,568 -"You have the Pfizer? I have the Pfizer." -[laughing] 522 00:19:54,651 --> 00:19:55,986 [chuckles] 523 00:19:56,069 --> 00:19:58,947 I'm not doing Johnson & Johnson. I'm not doing that. 524 00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:00,115 [huffs] 525 00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:02,492 I don't even use their regular products. 526 00:20:02,576 --> 00:20:04,161 [laughing] 527 00:20:04,244 --> 00:20:07,039 And they make too many for my comfort, bro. 528 00:20:07,122 --> 00:20:07,956 [laughing] 529 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:10,876 You want me to tell you like, "What's in the Johnson & Johnson?" 530 00:20:10,959 --> 00:20:12,461 "I don't know, man, like we just 531 00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:15,214 started off with a little snake venom in there." 532 00:20:15,297 --> 00:20:16,131 [laughing] 533 00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:18,884 "And then we just added some Johnson & Johnson baby powder 534 00:20:18,967 --> 00:20:20,761 -to thicken it up a bit." -[laughing] 535 00:20:20,844 --> 00:20:23,305 "Some Johnson & Johnson baby oil 536 00:20:23,388 --> 00:20:25,724 to loosen her up a bit." 537 00:20:25,807 --> 00:20:27,768 "Then we put a goddamn baby in there." 538 00:20:27,851 --> 00:20:30,103 -[laughing] -"Just a whole fucking baby." 539 00:20:30,187 --> 00:20:34,024 "And we finished it off with a little wild turkey to give it that pop!" 540 00:20:34,107 --> 00:20:35,150 "Know what I mean?" 541 00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:37,361 [laughing and applause] 542 00:20:39,154 --> 00:20:40,280 "How many shots do I take?" 543 00:20:40,364 --> 00:20:42,491 "No shots, we just pass it mouth to mouth." 544 00:20:42,574 --> 00:20:43,742 "You just come on now…" 545 00:20:43,825 --> 00:20:46,119 -[laughs] -[laughing and applause] 546 00:20:46,203 --> 00:20:48,121 It's so absurd. I-- [huffs] 547 00:20:48,205 --> 00:20:49,957 It's so absurd, like-- [huffs] 548 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:53,293 Like, vaccines having accents is so ab-- [chuckles] 549 00:20:53,377 --> 00:20:55,587 What's Moder-- [huffs] What's Moderna? 550 00:20:55,671 --> 00:20:58,465 [imitating Mexican accent] 551 00:20:58,548 --> 00:21:01,468 -[laughing] -"You got that derna, bro?" 552 00:21:01,551 --> 00:21:04,012 "We give you one shot then you Crip Walk out this bitch." 553 00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:05,722 You know what I mean. Like, bra, lets do it?" 554 00:21:05,806 --> 00:21:07,266 [laughing] Like I'm g-- 555 00:21:07,349 --> 00:21:09,017 [chuckles] That derna. 556 00:21:09,101 --> 00:21:10,936 [chuckles] 557 00:21:11,895 --> 00:21:15,983 -[grunts and exhales sharply] -[laughing] 558 00:21:17,484 --> 00:21:18,318 Fuck! 559 00:21:18,402 --> 00:21:19,236 [laughing] 560 00:21:19,319 --> 00:21:21,196 That's how I feel inside. 561 00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:22,531 [soft laughing] 562 00:21:24,491 --> 00:21:27,327 I do. That's how I feel inside. All the time. Fuck. 563 00:21:27,411 --> 00:21:28,370 [laughing] 564 00:21:28,453 --> 00:21:30,247 All the time. I'm just… 565 00:21:30,330 --> 00:21:31,790 [grunts] fuck. 566 00:21:31,873 --> 00:21:32,708 [laughing] 567 00:21:32,791 --> 00:21:34,084 [grunts] Fuck. 568 00:21:34,167 --> 00:21:37,838 And fuck is just not a potent enough word, to be honest with you. 569 00:21:37,921 --> 00:21:39,214 It's not strong. 570 00:21:39,298 --> 00:21:41,633 Once you speak another language, 571 00:21:41,717 --> 00:21:43,218 you realize, 572 00:21:43,302 --> 00:21:45,887 you realize that the English language 573 00:21:45,971 --> 00:21:47,931 is just like a newborn, you know. 574 00:21:48,015 --> 00:21:48,849 [laughing] 575 00:21:48,932 --> 00:21:51,101 It is. It's a new language. 576 00:21:51,184 --> 00:21:53,562 Like, I speak Arabic. Arabic is an ancient language. 577 00:21:53,645 --> 00:21:54,479 [sighs] 578 00:21:54,563 --> 00:21:57,482 English is like it's baby. It wants to grow up 579 00:21:57,566 --> 00:21:59,234 and be Arabic one day and it's just… 580 00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:00,235 [laughing] 581 00:22:00,319 --> 00:22:01,945 It is, it's just… 582 00:22:02,029 --> 00:22:04,323 -[cheering and applause] -No, it's fine. 583 00:22:05,615 --> 00:22:08,702 It's just a baby. It's just a baby. It's not a-- 584 00:22:08,785 --> 00:22:11,330 It lacks a lot of depth. It's just not, 585 00:22:11,413 --> 00:22:13,081 it's just not very strong, like "fuck", 586 00:22:13,165 --> 00:22:15,751 it's nothing. It's an exclamation point, you know. 587 00:22:15,834 --> 00:22:17,711 Even greetings in Arabic 588 00:22:17,794 --> 00:22:19,713 -takes so long, you know. -[soft laughing] 589 00:22:19,796 --> 00:22:22,132 Greetings are like, "Peace be upon you." 590 00:22:22,215 --> 00:22:24,092 "And may peace be upon you." 591 00:22:24,176 --> 00:22:26,803 "And the mercy of the divine be upon you." 592 00:22:26,887 --> 00:22:29,264 "And may the mercy of the divine be upon you." 593 00:22:29,348 --> 00:22:31,516 "And may divine light be with you." 594 00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:33,393 "May it be unto you as well." 595 00:22:33,477 --> 00:22:35,729 "May it protect you and your entire linea--" 596 00:22:35,812 --> 00:22:38,774 "Hey, man, can I get this pack of cigarettes, bro, and get out of here?" 597 00:22:38,857 --> 00:22:40,108 [laughing and applause] 598 00:22:41,026 --> 00:22:41,985 It's a lot. 599 00:22:43,070 --> 00:22:45,322 It's a lot. In English, it's, "Hi." [laughs] 600 00:22:45,405 --> 00:22:46,782 -That's it. It's over. -[laughing] 601 00:22:46,865 --> 00:22:47,824 [chuckles] 602 00:22:47,908 --> 00:22:49,076 It's over. [chuckles] 603 00:22:49,159 --> 00:22:51,369 "What's up? The sky?" [mock giggles] 604 00:22:51,453 --> 00:22:54,289 That's it, there's nothing else. [laughs] 605 00:22:54,372 --> 00:22:55,248 It's nothing. 606 00:22:55,332 --> 00:22:58,251 [laughs] 607 00:22:59,419 --> 00:23:02,005 So when somebody curses you in English, 608 00:23:02,089 --> 00:23:04,466 sincerely, you could probably walk away 609 00:23:04,549 --> 00:23:07,177 99.9% of the time 610 00:23:07,260 --> 00:23:10,097 if you didn't get emotionally charged. 611 00:23:10,180 --> 00:23:11,765 Really. It's an oldie but a goodie. 612 00:23:11,848 --> 00:23:13,433 "Hey, fuck you!" 613 00:23:13,517 --> 00:23:14,851 "I don't wanna fuck you." 614 00:23:14,935 --> 00:23:17,479 -[laughing] -And you could, just walk away. 615 00:23:17,562 --> 00:23:18,396 [soft laughing] 616 00:23:18,980 --> 00:23:20,524 "Hey, go fuck yourself!" 617 00:23:20,607 --> 00:23:23,860 "You know what, man? I've been really tense lately." 618 00:23:23,944 --> 00:23:26,571 [laughing] 619 00:23:26,655 --> 00:23:29,533 "And maybe what I need to do is go fuck myself." 620 00:23:29,616 --> 00:23:31,118 [laughing] 621 00:23:31,201 --> 00:23:32,327 "Hey, you're a motherfucker." 622 00:23:33,078 --> 00:23:34,746 "Not my mom, but…" 623 00:23:34,830 --> 00:23:36,540 [laughing] 624 00:23:36,623 --> 00:23:39,501 "My ex-wife did have child from a previous marriage, 625 00:23:39,584 --> 00:23:40,877 so I guess I am a motherfucker." 626 00:23:40,961 --> 00:23:41,795 [soft laughing] 627 00:23:41,878 --> 00:23:45,841 "And by the way, your father, biggest motherfucker of them all, technically." 628 00:23:45,924 --> 00:23:47,425 [laughing and a whoop] 629 00:23:47,509 --> 00:23:49,302 "Hey, you're an asshole!" 630 00:23:49,386 --> 00:23:52,097 "You know what, the eye cannot see itself." 631 00:23:52,180 --> 00:23:53,807 [laughing] 632 00:23:57,727 --> 00:24:00,105 [applause] 633 00:24:02,774 --> 00:24:05,026 "And I cannot see when I'm being an asshole, 634 00:24:05,110 --> 00:24:06,862 so thank you for making me a better person." 635 00:24:06,945 --> 00:24:08,405 And just walk away. 636 00:24:08,905 --> 00:24:12,159 "Hey! You're a pussy!" "Yeah, I'll take that." 637 00:24:12,242 --> 00:24:15,704 I don't know why "pussy" always insinuates weakness. 638 00:24:15,787 --> 00:24:19,791 Pussy is metaphorically and physically very strong. 639 00:24:19,875 --> 00:24:21,251 -[loud cheering] -So strong! 640 00:24:21,334 --> 00:24:23,378 [cheering and applause] 641 00:24:23,461 --> 00:24:24,796 It's true. 642 00:24:25,714 --> 00:24:27,382 Absolutely true. 643 00:24:27,465 --> 00:24:30,677 It's so strong. It can have a baby. 644 00:24:30,760 --> 00:24:32,345 -Human life. -[whoop] 645 00:24:32,429 --> 00:24:34,306 Pounds of human flesh 646 00:24:34,389 --> 00:24:37,809 can come out of this little, tiny hole. Pop! 647 00:24:37,893 --> 00:24:40,604 And it can have two at the same time. Pop! Pop! 648 00:24:40,687 --> 00:24:41,563 [laughing] 649 00:24:41,646 --> 00:24:43,982 -It can have three. Pop, pop, pop. -[laughing] 650 00:24:44,065 --> 00:24:46,818 -And then it regenerates… like this. -[laughing] 651 00:24:46,902 --> 00:24:49,779 Almost. Exactly how it was. Almost. 652 00:24:49,863 --> 00:24:51,406 -[laughing] -Almost. Exactly how it was. 653 00:24:52,199 --> 00:24:55,952 Maybe if you laugh or cough, you piss on yourself, but otherwise… 654 00:24:56,036 --> 00:24:56,870 [laughing] 655 00:24:56,953 --> 00:24:58,705 Otherwise, it's there. 656 00:24:59,748 --> 00:25:02,334 Ready for you once again. [laughs] 657 00:25:02,417 --> 00:25:03,376 [laughing] 658 00:25:08,256 --> 00:25:09,758 [laughing] 659 00:25:09,841 --> 00:25:11,259 My friend, Chris, 660 00:25:11,343 --> 00:25:13,970 passed a kidney stone out of his dick hole. 661 00:25:14,054 --> 00:25:14,971 [laughing] 662 00:25:15,055 --> 00:25:17,098 -He damn near died, okay. -[laughing] 663 00:25:17,182 --> 00:25:20,602 He was like, "Oh, God, what's happening to me?" 664 00:25:20,685 --> 00:25:23,605 He was like, "Somebody shoot me!" 665 00:25:23,688 --> 00:25:27,317 And it was a grain of sand that came out of his dick hole. 666 00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:29,945 -Women, "Pop! Pop!" Come back. -[laughing] 667 00:25:30,028 --> 00:25:32,113 Little grain of sand… [groans] 668 00:25:32,197 --> 00:25:33,073 [laughing] 669 00:25:33,156 --> 00:25:35,951 You be a dick. I'll be a pussy any day of the week. 670 00:25:36,034 --> 00:25:37,661 [loud cheering and applause] 671 00:25:38,828 --> 00:25:40,956 [cheering and whistling] 672 00:25:43,124 --> 00:25:44,793 Arabic curse words. 673 00:25:44,876 --> 00:25:46,336 [soft laughing] 674 00:25:48,463 --> 00:25:50,131 -They're really graphic. -[laughing] 675 00:25:51,675 --> 00:25:55,262 They're so graphic I don't even use them. Honestly, I just… 676 00:25:55,345 --> 00:25:57,138 We're gonna start here and build up. 677 00:25:57,222 --> 00:25:58,598 [laughing] 678 00:25:58,682 --> 00:25:59,975 Like "Kes Emak", 679 00:26:00,058 --> 00:26:01,476 -which means… -[murmurs] 680 00:26:01,559 --> 00:26:03,186 …"Fuck your mother's pussy!" 681 00:26:03,270 --> 00:26:05,063 [laughing] 682 00:26:05,146 --> 00:26:06,564 Very specific. 683 00:26:06,648 --> 00:26:09,150 -[laughing] -[Mo huffs] 684 00:26:12,487 --> 00:26:14,239 We take that to another level. 685 00:26:14,322 --> 00:26:15,532 "Kes Emak Eli Nafadek" 686 00:26:15,615 --> 00:26:17,325 -which means… -[laughing] 687 00:26:17,409 --> 00:26:20,203 Which me-- two people, "Yeah, I know what that means." 688 00:26:20,287 --> 00:26:21,329 -[laughing] -[chuckles] 689 00:26:21,413 --> 00:26:22,622 Everybody else is on their toes, 690 00:26:22,706 --> 00:26:24,374 "What does it mean?" 691 00:26:24,457 --> 00:26:26,042 [laughing] 692 00:26:26,126 --> 00:26:27,585 It mea-- "Kes Emak Eli Nafadek" 693 00:26:27,669 --> 00:26:28,503 which means, 694 00:26:28,586 --> 00:26:32,007 "Fuck the pussy you slithered out of!" Wow! 695 00:26:32,090 --> 00:26:35,010 -[shocked laughing] -[Mo laughs] 696 00:26:35,885 --> 00:26:38,054 Astaghfirullah I know, it's crazy. 697 00:26:38,138 --> 00:26:39,014 [laughing] 698 00:26:39,097 --> 00:26:40,265 [indistinct] 699 00:26:40,932 --> 00:26:43,476 Everyone saw the baby fall out. 700 00:26:43,560 --> 00:26:45,562 It's a visual curse word, that one. 701 00:26:45,645 --> 00:26:47,147 [laughing] 702 00:26:48,315 --> 00:26:51,026 This is one of my personal favorites, 703 00:26:51,109 --> 00:26:52,652 "Yela3n Tarekhek", 704 00:26:52,736 --> 00:26:53,570 Which means, 705 00:26:54,154 --> 00:26:58,825 which means, "Damn your entire history." 706 00:26:58,908 --> 00:27:00,618 [laughing] 707 00:27:06,416 --> 00:27:08,835 "My great-grandmother?" "No, bitch, 708 00:27:08,918 --> 00:27:10,920 from the beginning of time…" 709 00:27:11,004 --> 00:27:13,006 [laughing] 710 00:27:16,885 --> 00:27:19,804 "…to present day and everything in between and in the future, 711 00:27:19,888 --> 00:27:21,056 fuck your DNA." 712 00:27:21,139 --> 00:27:22,515 [laughing] 713 00:27:24,726 --> 00:27:28,104 Astaghfirullah, I don't need this. It's a lot. 714 00:27:29,022 --> 00:27:31,024 Even Western hand gestures. 715 00:27:31,107 --> 00:27:32,442 Not that big of a deal. 716 00:27:32,525 --> 00:27:34,235 -"Uh, fuck you bro, uh." -[laughing] 717 00:27:34,319 --> 00:27:37,405 In England it's a reverse peace sign. Very confusing. 718 00:27:37,489 --> 00:27:40,367 [in fake English accent] "Oh, fuck off, oh." 719 00:27:40,450 --> 00:27:42,160 [laughing] 720 00:27:42,243 --> 00:27:44,579 And they try to be like, "No, it's from the war, yeah." 721 00:27:44,662 --> 00:27:45,830 I'm like, "Shut the fuck up, okay. 722 00:27:45,914 --> 00:27:46,748 [laughing] 723 00:27:46,831 --> 00:27:48,166 "It's not that cool." 724 00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:51,169 Arabs, we go to another level. 725 00:27:51,252 --> 00:27:54,255 We go sideways, we go "BeTizik", like this. 726 00:27:54,339 --> 00:27:55,298 [laughing] 727 00:27:55,382 --> 00:27:57,926 BeTizik, like that. 728 00:27:58,009 --> 00:28:00,136 BeTizik, like this. 729 00:28:00,220 --> 00:28:01,471 -A little pop… -[laughing and applause] 730 00:28:01,554 --> 00:28:03,098 -BeTizik, like that. -[laughing] 731 00:28:03,181 --> 00:28:05,600 Little wiggle. BeTizik, like that. 732 00:28:05,683 --> 00:28:07,435 BeTizik, like… [laughs] 733 00:28:07,519 --> 00:28:10,063 This means "in your ass." That's what this means. 734 00:28:10,146 --> 00:28:11,606 -[laughing] -That's what… [laughs] 735 00:28:13,358 --> 00:28:14,317 [laughing] 736 00:28:14,401 --> 00:28:18,029 And if there's any confusion, you just put the other hand up like this 737 00:28:18,113 --> 00:28:19,906 and you go BeTizik, like this. 738 00:28:19,989 --> 00:28:20,824 [laughing] 739 00:28:20,907 --> 00:28:22,409 And you wiggle it. 740 00:28:22,492 --> 00:28:25,453 You wiggle it, all up in the ass, that's right! 741 00:28:25,537 --> 00:28:28,331 [laughing and applause] 742 00:28:28,415 --> 00:28:30,959 I feel like a lot of people are gonna be leaving here, like, 743 00:28:31,042 --> 00:28:32,085 "Hey, Kyle." "Yeah." 744 00:28:32,168 --> 00:28:34,170 BeTizik bro! 745 00:28:34,254 --> 00:28:35,130 [laughing] 746 00:28:35,213 --> 00:28:37,424 -[Mo laughs] -[laughing] 747 00:28:40,510 --> 00:28:41,428 Fuck! 748 00:28:41,511 --> 00:28:42,345 [soft laughing] 749 00:28:42,429 --> 00:28:44,764 -[grunting] -[soft laughing] 750 00:28:44,848 --> 00:28:48,143 -[laughs and soft grunts] -[laughing] 751 00:28:48,226 --> 00:28:50,603 [in Mexican accent] ...bro. 752 00:28:50,687 --> 00:28:51,980 [soft laughing] 753 00:28:54,441 --> 00:28:56,568 Mexicano's, bro. I love Mexicano's. 754 00:28:56,651 --> 00:28:58,778 [cheering and applause] 755 00:29:00,488 --> 00:29:03,116 Let me say, growing up in Alief, you can't… 756 00:29:03,199 --> 00:29:04,075 [whoop and cheers] 757 00:29:04,159 --> 00:29:06,119 we can't. You can't… 758 00:29:06,202 --> 00:29:07,787 You grew up around Mexicano's. You do. 759 00:29:07,871 --> 00:29:09,122 And they always sound like they're in pain. 760 00:29:09,205 --> 00:29:10,874 [in fake Mexican accent] "Come on, bro, let's hang out." 761 00:29:10,957 --> 00:29:11,791 [laughing] 762 00:29:11,875 --> 00:29:15,128 "You all right?" "Yeah, I'm doing fine, bro." 763 00:29:15,211 --> 00:29:16,588 "Are you sure?" 764 00:29:16,671 --> 00:29:18,423 [soft laughing] 765 00:29:18,506 --> 00:29:22,051 Love Mexicano's. They're resilient people, hard working people. 766 00:29:22,135 --> 00:29:26,055 And it's fucked up they even started a conversation about putting a wall up. 767 00:29:26,139 --> 00:29:28,683 Shit, this never worked it human history. 768 00:29:28,767 --> 00:29:31,394 And you keep repeating the same bullshit. 769 00:29:31,478 --> 00:29:33,646 First of all, it's Mexicans. 770 00:29:33,730 --> 00:29:35,857 Most creative people I know. Huh? It's like… 771 00:29:35,940 --> 00:29:36,858 [cheering and applause] 772 00:29:36,941 --> 00:29:40,069 So creative, the Palestinians were taking notes and shit. 773 00:29:40,695 --> 00:29:43,198 When El Chapo snuck out of that tunnel with a motorcycle, 774 00:29:43,281 --> 00:29:45,658 we're like, [in Arabic accent] "Hey, Abdallah, come watch, bro." 775 00:29:45,742 --> 00:29:47,160 [laughing] 776 00:29:47,243 --> 00:29:49,704 "Hey, he put a motorcycle inside a tunnel, bro?" 777 00:29:49,788 --> 00:29:50,872 "We need to do this back home." 778 00:29:50,955 --> 00:29:52,707 Ya Habibi Ya Allah. 779 00:29:52,791 --> 00:29:54,751 [laughing] 780 00:29:55,835 --> 00:29:58,671 You're not gonna stop Mexicans, bro. It's not gonna work. 781 00:29:59,547 --> 00:30:02,884 Put up a wall and they'll just zipline back into the country and shit. 782 00:30:02,967 --> 00:30:03,843 They'll be like, 783 00:30:03,927 --> 00:30:05,053 [in Spanish] "Ready, José, I'm ready." 784 00:30:05,136 --> 00:30:08,556 Push me, motherfucker. Come on, go fuck your mother. 785 00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:09,474 [cheering and applause] 786 00:30:13,978 --> 00:30:15,855 [in English] They'd be like, "Did he make it?" 787 00:30:15,939 --> 00:30:17,565 "I don't know, bro." 788 00:30:17,649 --> 00:30:18,983 [laughing] 789 00:30:19,067 --> 00:30:21,486 "I think he missed the trampoline." 790 00:30:21,569 --> 00:30:22,821 [laughing] 791 00:30:22,904 --> 00:30:25,114 "Ziplining, this is so tricky." 792 00:30:25,198 --> 00:30:26,199 [laughing] 793 00:30:26,282 --> 00:30:28,284 "Timing is everything, bro." 794 00:30:28,368 --> 00:30:29,869 -[laughs] -[laughing] 795 00:30:34,582 --> 00:30:37,085 If I was Mexican living in Mexico, 796 00:30:37,168 --> 00:30:38,920 I'd flip the whole script. 797 00:30:39,003 --> 00:30:39,963 I would. 798 00:30:40,046 --> 00:30:41,422 I'd be like, "You know what, bro?" 799 00:30:41,506 --> 00:30:43,007 "We're building a wall, okay." 800 00:30:43,091 --> 00:30:43,925 [laughing] 801 00:30:44,008 --> 00:30:47,720 "We're building a wall. You can't come to Cancùn no more, puto. How about that?" 802 00:30:47,804 --> 00:30:49,305 [laughing and cheering] 803 00:30:49,389 --> 00:30:50,390 How about that? 804 00:30:52,851 --> 00:30:53,768 That's it. 805 00:30:55,728 --> 00:30:57,438 You'd have the White girls-- 806 00:30:57,522 --> 00:31:00,275 You'd have White girls crying all across America. 807 00:31:00,358 --> 00:31:01,192 [laughing] 808 00:31:01,276 --> 00:31:03,987 They're like, [imitating a girl] "Oh, my God." 809 00:31:04,070 --> 00:31:07,657 "I just wanted to go to Cancùn for Spring Break." 810 00:31:07,740 --> 00:31:10,827 "Why are they so racist? I don't understand." 811 00:31:10,910 --> 00:31:12,996 [laughing] 812 00:31:13,079 --> 00:31:15,957 "Now I have to go to Puerto Vallarta." 813 00:31:16,040 --> 00:31:17,000 [laughing] 814 00:31:17,083 --> 00:31:19,419 That's also in Mexico. [girl voice] "Oh, my God!" 815 00:31:19,502 --> 00:31:21,671 [laughing] 816 00:31:21,754 --> 00:31:23,131 [soft laughing and applause] 817 00:31:23,214 --> 00:31:26,175 Love Mexicano's. I love doing accents. It's a lot of fun, you know. 818 00:31:26,259 --> 00:31:27,135 When you can do them like, 819 00:31:27,218 --> 00:31:28,761 [in fake Mexican accent] "Come on, let's hang out, it's--" 820 00:31:29,679 --> 00:31:31,180 It's fun. The German's fun. 821 00:31:31,264 --> 00:31:33,433 [in fake German accent] "Ya, ooh, it's lovely here." 822 00:31:33,516 --> 00:31:34,392 [laughing] 823 00:31:34,475 --> 00:31:36,227 I mean, I fuck with them all day. 824 00:31:36,311 --> 00:31:37,145 Russians though, 825 00:31:37,228 --> 00:31:38,771 -I don't fuck with Russians. -[cheers and laughing] 826 00:31:38,855 --> 00:31:40,899 I don't fuck with anybody that talk like this, 827 00:31:40,982 --> 00:31:42,358 [in fake Russian accent] "What you say to me?" 828 00:31:42,442 --> 00:31:43,484 [laughing] 829 00:31:43,568 --> 00:31:45,778 "You fuck me, my family? What you say to me?" 830 00:31:45,862 --> 00:31:48,573 [laughing] I'm like, "I'm good, bra. I don't trust you." 831 00:31:48,656 --> 00:31:49,490 -[nervous laugh] -[laughing] 832 00:31:49,574 --> 00:31:51,659 A Russian guy in an Adidas tracksuit. I'm good. 833 00:31:51,743 --> 00:31:53,661 [in fake Russian accent] "What you say to me? You fuck around?" 834 00:31:53,745 --> 00:31:54,787 [laughing and applause] 835 00:31:54,871 --> 00:31:56,873 "What you say?" "I'm good, bra." 836 00:31:56,956 --> 00:31:58,124 "I'm goo…" 837 00:31:58,207 --> 00:31:59,959 I don't fuck with anybody with a Russian accent 838 00:32:00,043 --> 00:32:02,670 and I don't fuck with anybody with cauliflower ears. 839 00:32:02,754 --> 00:32:03,755 [laughing] 840 00:32:03,838 --> 00:32:05,173 I don't fuck with them. 841 00:32:05,757 --> 00:32:10,053 And if you talk like this and you have cauliflower MMA ears, 842 00:32:10,136 --> 00:32:11,846 I don't fuck with you either, bro. 843 00:32:11,930 --> 00:32:12,764 [laughing] 844 00:32:12,847 --> 00:32:14,724 That's how I knew Khabib Nurmagomedov 845 00:32:14,807 --> 00:32:18,519 was gonna be the greatest MMA fighter of all time. 846 00:32:18,603 --> 00:32:20,355 -[cheers and applause] -All time. 847 00:32:20,438 --> 00:32:22,649 [applause] 848 00:32:23,483 --> 00:32:25,818 [in fake Russian accent] "He talk like this. 849 00:32:25,902 --> 00:32:28,905 And he has the ears." Fuck that, I'm not fucking with you, bro. 850 00:32:28,988 --> 00:32:32,575 You're a real one. And the way he talks is terrifying. 851 00:32:32,659 --> 00:32:34,035 [Russian accent] "Oh, you think you're real? 852 00:32:34,118 --> 00:32:35,536 You think you're from streets?" 853 00:32:35,620 --> 00:32:37,163 "I grow up in real mountain." 854 00:32:37,246 --> 00:32:38,915 Like, "What does that mean, bro?" 855 00:32:38,998 --> 00:32:40,208 [laughing] 856 00:32:40,291 --> 00:32:42,085 "What does that mean?" 857 00:32:42,168 --> 00:32:44,379 "What do you mean you grew up there?" 858 00:32:44,462 --> 00:32:46,714 "What did you do there?" [laughs] 859 00:32:46,798 --> 00:32:49,217 He'll say wild shit like, "Oh, yeah, you want to fight?" 860 00:32:49,300 --> 00:32:51,260 "I'm gonna change his face." 861 00:32:51,344 --> 00:32:53,137 [laughing] 862 00:32:53,888 --> 00:32:56,891 "What is he, Potato Head, bro? You can't do this." 863 00:32:56,975 --> 00:32:58,434 [laughing] 864 00:33:00,728 --> 00:33:05,566 You can't fuck with him. The guy-- The man wrestled bears as an eight-year-old. 865 00:33:05,650 --> 00:33:09,278 This is, you can really look this up. He wrestled bears 866 00:33:09,362 --> 00:33:11,572 as an eight-year-old child. 867 00:33:11,656 --> 00:33:14,617 The only people that would do this, is Dagestani's. 868 00:33:14,701 --> 00:33:17,537 Because there's levels to being Russian. There's like regular Russian, 869 00:33:17,620 --> 00:33:20,081 there's Chechnyan, and there's Dagestani's! 870 00:33:20,164 --> 00:33:23,084 It's a whole another level, where they wrestle bears, apparently. 871 00:33:23,167 --> 00:33:26,587 And from childhood. What the fuck are you talking about? 872 00:33:26,671 --> 00:33:29,507 His father, God rest his soul, were the greatest 873 00:33:29,590 --> 00:33:31,759 coaches of all time. 874 00:33:31,843 --> 00:33:33,845 And how did that conversation even happen? 875 00:33:33,928 --> 00:33:36,264 Like he walked up to his dad like, [in fake Russian accent] "Daddy." 876 00:33:36,347 --> 00:33:37,807 [laughing] 877 00:33:37,890 --> 00:33:39,809 "Daddy, I really want to be great champion." 878 00:33:39,892 --> 00:33:42,812 "Daddy, please, please, train me, Daddy." 879 00:33:42,895 --> 00:33:44,522 Like, "No, son, you're not ready." 880 00:33:44,605 --> 00:33:47,275 "No, I'm ready. Please, please." 881 00:33:47,358 --> 00:33:49,027 "Train me, Daddy." "Okay." 882 00:33:49,110 --> 00:33:50,820 "I go get bear. Let's see." 883 00:33:50,903 --> 00:33:52,780 [laughing] 884 00:33:55,408 --> 00:33:58,202 Brought a bear into the house. What did his mom say? 885 00:33:58,286 --> 00:33:59,829 "Hey, honey, what you doing with bear?" 886 00:33:59,912 --> 00:34:01,164 "I know, I know." 887 00:34:01,789 --> 00:34:03,708 "Relax, bear, relax." 888 00:34:03,791 --> 00:34:04,709 [laughing] 889 00:34:04,792 --> 00:34:07,420 "I bring bear. Okay." [laughs] 890 00:34:07,503 --> 00:34:10,548 "I bring bear. Bear gonna wrestle Khabib." 891 00:34:10,631 --> 00:34:12,884 "Khabib one day will be great champion." 892 00:34:12,967 --> 00:34:16,345 -"Defeat racist leprechaun in the future." -[laughing] 893 00:34:16,429 --> 00:34:17,472 "Save Islam. 894 00:34:17,555 --> 00:34:18,723 Alhamdulillah. Come on." 895 00:34:18,806 --> 00:34:21,142 [cheering and whistling] 896 00:34:27,482 --> 00:34:30,485 [huffs] Don't fuck with Russians. 897 00:34:30,568 --> 00:34:32,195 Germans, I'll fuck with them all day. 898 00:34:32,278 --> 00:34:34,030 [in fake German accent] "Ooh, ya, it's wonderful." 899 00:34:34,113 --> 00:34:34,947 [laughing] 900 00:34:35,031 --> 00:34:36,699 I did that accent at my first special 901 00:34:36,783 --> 00:34:38,993 and a lot of people messaged me like, "Hey, man, 902 00:34:39,077 --> 00:34:41,913 you sound like that fat caterpillar from A Bug's Life." 903 00:34:41,996 --> 00:34:43,581 [laughing] 904 00:34:44,665 --> 00:34:47,001 I was like, "No, I don't." And then I watched it and I was like, 905 00:34:47,085 --> 00:34:49,504 "Ah, shit, I do sound like that fat--" 906 00:34:49,587 --> 00:34:53,299 It's like, [German accent] "Ya, look at my wings. I'm a beautiful butterfly." 907 00:34:53,382 --> 00:34:54,801 -[laughs] -[laughing] 908 00:34:55,718 --> 00:34:56,928 [Mo] Whatever. 909 00:34:58,846 --> 00:35:00,264 [grunts] 910 00:35:03,101 --> 00:35:04,477 [laughing] 911 00:35:04,560 --> 00:35:07,105 It's such a blessing to be together. Listen, let me tell you something. 912 00:35:07,188 --> 00:35:09,065 I sincerely, 913 00:35:09,148 --> 00:35:12,026 I am mad at what they did to us. I really am. 914 00:35:12,110 --> 00:35:13,945 The fear that they created. 915 00:35:14,028 --> 00:35:15,988 And the division they created. 916 00:35:16,072 --> 00:35:18,199 It's fucking infuriating. 917 00:35:18,282 --> 00:35:21,327 "Who you voting for? Red or blue?" 918 00:35:21,410 --> 00:35:24,497 What am I, Bloods or Crips? That's what I heard. That's all I heard. 919 00:35:24,580 --> 00:35:25,873 All you are gangsters. Okay. 920 00:35:25,957 --> 00:35:28,459 Okay, all of you are gangsters. I'm with the people. 921 00:35:28,543 --> 00:35:31,838 Always will be with the people. That's what it is about for me. 922 00:35:31,921 --> 00:35:33,464 When the hurricane came through, 923 00:35:33,548 --> 00:35:36,008 my neighbor, Scott, redneck Scott, 924 00:35:36,092 --> 00:35:37,510 this guy is the best. Okay. 925 00:35:37,593 --> 00:35:39,846 He's always prepared. So I'm never prepared, 926 00:35:39,929 --> 00:35:41,514 because I know he's prepared. 927 00:35:41,597 --> 00:35:42,723 [laughing] 928 00:35:42,807 --> 00:35:46,894 He's always like, "Yeah. I got generators. Hell yeah, I got generators." 929 00:35:46,978 --> 00:35:50,064 "Fuck, yeah, Mohammed, I got you, baby." You know. 930 00:35:50,148 --> 00:35:50,982 [laughing] 931 00:35:52,066 --> 00:35:54,527 When I came through he hooked me up, bro. 932 00:35:54,610 --> 00:35:57,780 I plugged into the side of his house and took that extension cord 933 00:35:57,864 --> 00:36:01,325 all the way across that cul-de-sac and plugged my shit in. 934 00:36:01,409 --> 00:36:02,785 And that's what it's about, bro. 935 00:36:02,869 --> 00:36:04,954 They're trying to separate us, but the fact is 936 00:36:05,037 --> 00:36:06,789 Mohammed's in Texas 937 00:36:06,873 --> 00:36:09,584 get along with redneck Scotts all day. 938 00:36:09,667 --> 00:36:11,419 [cheers and applause] 939 00:36:11,502 --> 00:36:13,171 Fuck what you talking about. 940 00:36:18,926 --> 00:36:20,761 Fuck what you talking about. 941 00:36:20,845 --> 00:36:22,263 That's the honest truth. 942 00:36:22,346 --> 00:36:25,141 People try to just push this particular agenda 943 00:36:25,224 --> 00:36:26,684 and it's not, I do believe in us. 944 00:36:26,767 --> 00:36:28,686 I do. I believe in us and then 945 00:36:28,769 --> 00:36:31,731 and then I travel and then I go to an airport 946 00:36:31,814 --> 00:36:35,401 and I realize how fragmented we really are. 947 00:36:35,484 --> 00:36:37,612 We suck as the human race. 948 00:36:37,695 --> 00:36:39,238 We suck. [laughs] 949 00:36:39,322 --> 00:36:41,157 We're all in our own bubbles. 950 00:36:41,240 --> 00:36:43,576 Nobody's paying attention to anybody else. 951 00:36:43,659 --> 00:36:45,953 Everybody just-- You'll see this in an airport. 952 00:36:46,037 --> 00:36:48,789 You'd be walking and all of a sudden the person in front of you just stops 953 00:36:48,873 --> 00:36:50,291 and just looks up. 954 00:36:50,374 --> 00:36:53,044 "What's up there?" "I'll tell you what's behind you, bitch." 955 00:36:53,127 --> 00:36:54,795 -"Thousands of people." -[laughing] 956 00:36:54,879 --> 00:36:56,714 "Trying to get where they want to go." 957 00:36:56,797 --> 00:36:58,299 "That's what the fuck is going on." 958 00:36:58,382 --> 00:37:00,009 "What the hell is wrong with you?" 959 00:37:00,092 --> 00:37:02,178 "Get the fuck out of the way, all right." 960 00:37:02,261 --> 00:37:03,221 [soft laughing] 961 00:37:03,304 --> 00:37:04,680 If you're travelling 962 00:37:04,764 --> 00:37:08,100 with a carry-on with no wheels on it, 963 00:37:08,184 --> 00:37:10,061 -you're an asshole, okay. -[laughing] 964 00:37:10,144 --> 00:37:14,398 You just have them all over your shoulder. You're a fucking mess. [panting] 965 00:37:14,482 --> 00:37:19,237 It's sliding off. "Oh, sorry." [panting] 966 00:37:19,320 --> 00:37:22,073 Wheels exist. What's the matter with you? 967 00:37:22,156 --> 00:37:23,115 [soft laughing] 968 00:37:23,199 --> 00:37:25,451 If you have a carry-on with only two wheels, 969 00:37:25,534 --> 00:37:28,079 this is what you look like, "Hi." [giggles] 970 00:37:28,162 --> 00:37:32,250 Look how much square footage you're taking behind you. 971 00:37:32,333 --> 00:37:34,835 Why the fuck are you doing this? "Hi." [giggles] 972 00:37:34,919 --> 00:37:38,839 -[fake laughs] -[laughing] 973 00:37:38,923 --> 00:37:41,759 What the fuck are you doing? Four wheels exist, man. 974 00:37:41,842 --> 00:37:43,469 This is what you look like in four wheels. 975 00:37:43,552 --> 00:37:47,807 Like a smart, intelligent human being. 976 00:37:47,890 --> 00:37:51,143 You can go forward. You can go backwards on that whore. 977 00:37:51,227 --> 00:37:54,105 You can juke a motherfucker and just keep going. 978 00:37:54,188 --> 00:37:55,273 [laughing] 979 00:37:55,356 --> 00:37:58,818 You have a baby, you put him on top of it and you keep it cruising. 980 00:37:58,901 --> 00:38:00,027 [laughing] 981 00:38:00,611 --> 00:38:03,990 Now if you have a four wheel carry-on and you only use two wheels, 982 00:38:04,073 --> 00:38:07,243 you're probably the biggest asshole of them all. 983 00:38:07,326 --> 00:38:08,744 [laughing] 984 00:38:08,828 --> 00:38:11,289 We can't even read numbers. 985 00:38:11,372 --> 00:38:12,999 We get to the boarding gate 986 00:38:13,082 --> 00:38:15,334 and they're like, "Boarding…" 987 00:38:15,418 --> 00:38:16,669 "Boarding group one." 988 00:38:16,752 --> 00:38:19,714 [high pitched voice] "I'm in seven, can I go?" [giggles] 989 00:38:19,797 --> 00:38:22,133 "Well, what he--" "I'm in eight since seven's going." 990 00:38:22,216 --> 00:38:24,844 "Get the fuck out of the way. What are you doing?" 991 00:38:24,927 --> 00:38:26,429 [laughing] 992 00:38:28,306 --> 00:38:30,474 Then you get on the plane 993 00:38:30,558 --> 00:38:35,187 and here comes the people with no wheels on their bags. [panting] 994 00:38:35,271 --> 00:38:37,356 Just clotheslining every other person. 995 00:38:37,440 --> 00:38:41,110 -[thumping noises] -[laughing] 996 00:38:41,193 --> 00:38:44,322 They have no clue, they just… [panting] 997 00:38:44,405 --> 00:38:47,033 And here comes the assholes with two wheels on their bags. 998 00:38:47,116 --> 00:38:49,076 -Just dragging it behind them… -[laughing] 999 00:38:49,160 --> 00:38:51,412 …and they're getting stuck every other seat. 1000 00:38:51,495 --> 00:38:54,498 "Sorry, sorry." [fake laughs] 1001 00:38:54,582 --> 00:38:55,791 "Sorry." [fake laughs] 1002 00:38:55,875 --> 00:38:58,919 Turn it around, whore, and see where you're going. 1003 00:38:59,003 --> 00:39:00,087 [laughing and applause] 1004 00:39:00,171 --> 00:39:01,839 Use your eyes. 1005 00:39:03,049 --> 00:39:04,508 Maneuver. 1006 00:39:07,178 --> 00:39:08,179 [sighs] 1007 00:39:09,472 --> 00:39:11,265 Drives me insane. [laughs] 1008 00:39:12,224 --> 00:39:14,727 Flight attendants, all due respect… 1009 00:39:14,810 --> 00:39:15,895 [whoop] 1010 00:39:15,978 --> 00:39:18,230 Well, I would wait to finish the bit, bro. [laughs] 1011 00:39:18,314 --> 00:39:19,148 [laughing] 1012 00:39:19,231 --> 00:39:20,524 It's not good. 1013 00:39:21,192 --> 00:39:23,152 You're not saving anyone, all right. 1014 00:39:23,986 --> 00:39:26,197 You take your job way too seriously. [laughs] 1015 00:39:26,280 --> 00:39:27,198 [laughing] 1016 00:39:27,782 --> 00:39:29,658 Somebody has an issue, you just go, 1017 00:39:29,742 --> 00:39:31,994 "Is there a doctor here? Because 1018 00:39:32,078 --> 00:39:34,038 I don't know what I'm doing. Please, somebody." 1019 00:39:34,121 --> 00:39:35,289 [laughing] 1020 00:39:38,042 --> 00:39:40,252 If you have a little bag and it's a bulkhead, 1021 00:39:40,336 --> 00:39:42,296 and you have it on the floor, oh, shit. 1022 00:39:42,380 --> 00:39:44,632 [loud breathing] "We have to put this bag 1023 00:39:44,715 --> 00:39:47,510 over here." They'll short-circuit on you. "We have to put this 1024 00:39:47,593 --> 00:39:51,263 bag up top, okay. Just for take off. And they will give it to you 1025 00:39:51,347 --> 00:39:53,057 immediately after take-off, okay." 1026 00:39:53,140 --> 00:39:54,892 "Well, then, if you gonna give it to me after take-off, 1027 00:39:54,975 --> 00:39:56,435 immediately after take-off, 1028 00:39:56,519 --> 00:39:58,437 then why the fuck have I got to move it in the first place?" 1029 00:39:58,521 --> 00:39:59,855 "Just in case we have an 1030 00:39:59,939 --> 00:40:01,190 emergency exit situation." 1031 00:40:01,273 --> 00:40:03,067 "Wait, we're gonna exit the plane?" 1032 00:40:03,150 --> 00:40:05,361 "At like 150 miles an hour?" 1033 00:40:05,444 --> 00:40:07,071 "What the fuck are you talking about?" 1034 00:40:07,154 --> 00:40:08,906 "No, no, no, we have to move the bag." 1035 00:40:09,490 --> 00:40:12,034 "According to the FA-A-A-A-A." 1036 00:40:12,118 --> 00:40:14,954 -[imitates explosion] -[laughing] 1037 00:40:15,037 --> 00:40:16,622 Shut down. 1038 00:40:16,705 --> 00:40:18,541 God damn shut down. 1039 00:40:21,585 --> 00:40:23,963 God, the safety announcements. Oh, my God. 1040 00:40:24,046 --> 00:40:25,965 "Put on your seatbelt, everybody." 1041 00:40:26,048 --> 00:40:28,050 "Because that's what's gonna save your life. Okay." 1042 00:40:28,134 --> 00:40:29,176 "Yes, a seatbelt 1043 00:40:29,260 --> 00:40:31,178 from 35,000 feet… 1044 00:40:31,262 --> 00:40:32,096 [laughing] 1045 00:40:32,179 --> 00:40:34,598 …to pummel into your imminent death. Okay." 1046 00:40:34,682 --> 00:40:36,183 "On a floating rock in space." 1047 00:40:36,267 --> 00:40:38,811 "That's what's gonna save you, is a seatbelt." No. 1048 00:40:38,894 --> 00:40:40,688 They just want your ass in the seat 1049 00:40:40,771 --> 00:40:42,398 after the plane crashes. 1050 00:40:42,481 --> 00:40:44,650 They don't want to have to hire a third-party company 1051 00:40:44,733 --> 00:40:45,776 to look for your bitch ass. 1052 00:40:45,860 --> 00:40:47,486 -[laughing] -That's all it is. 1053 00:40:47,570 --> 00:40:48,988 They don't. 1054 00:40:49,071 --> 00:40:50,781 They just want to get there after the crash, 1055 00:40:50,865 --> 00:40:52,158 "Adams 3F. There he is, yup." 1056 00:40:52,241 --> 00:40:53,784 -[laughs] -[laughing] 1057 00:40:53,868 --> 00:40:56,871 -"Well, most of him, right." [laughs] -[laughing] 1058 00:40:56,954 --> 00:40:57,997 It's all they want. 1059 00:41:04,462 --> 00:41:05,379 [huffs] 1060 00:41:06,297 --> 00:41:09,133 Because if they really thought the seatbelt was gonna save your life, 1061 00:41:09,216 --> 00:41:11,635 they would check every single person 1062 00:41:11,719 --> 00:41:13,721 as if it's a roller coaster ride, right. 1063 00:41:13,804 --> 00:41:17,016 They'd be like, "You're good. You're good. You're good." 1064 00:41:17,099 --> 00:41:19,393 "You goo-- Oh, you almost died, Ralph!" 1065 00:41:19,477 --> 00:41:20,936 -[laughing] -"You almost died." 1066 00:41:21,604 --> 00:41:22,730 They don't do that shit. 1067 00:41:22,813 --> 00:41:25,733 They just walk by. "You're good. You're fine. Fine." 1068 00:41:25,816 --> 00:41:26,650 [laughing] 1069 00:41:28,194 --> 00:41:29,987 One flight attendant started to argue with me, 1070 00:41:30,070 --> 00:41:32,281 "No, Mo, what if we're having a crash landing 1071 00:41:32,364 --> 00:41:33,908 and we have real bad turbulence, 1072 00:41:33,991 --> 00:41:36,035 you could fly up and you could break your neck!" 1073 00:41:36,118 --> 00:41:38,496 I'm like, "That's what I want. I want to break my neck." 1074 00:41:38,579 --> 00:41:40,915 "I want to be the motherfucker like this while everybody's 1075 00:41:40,998 --> 00:41:43,375 screaming for their lives. That's what I want." 1076 00:41:43,459 --> 00:41:46,587 And while everybody's like, "Oh, my God! Were gonna die!" 1077 00:41:46,670 --> 00:41:48,631 -I'm already dead. I'm good to go. -[laughing] 1078 00:41:48,714 --> 00:41:51,133 Just smacking motherfuckers with no wheels on their bags. 1079 00:41:51,217 --> 00:41:54,136 -[smacking noises] -[laughing] 1080 00:41:54,887 --> 00:41:55,930 That's what I want. 1081 00:41:56,013 --> 00:41:57,973 [soft laughing] 1082 00:41:59,350 --> 00:42:00,226 [huffs] 1083 00:42:01,602 --> 00:42:03,270 Yes, I remember, 1084 00:42:03,354 --> 00:42:05,439 if we lose cabin pressure, 1085 00:42:05,523 --> 00:42:07,775 me first, fuck the baby. 1086 00:42:07,858 --> 00:42:09,360 [laughing] 1087 00:42:10,694 --> 00:42:14,198 The little oxygen thing comes down. Me first, fuck the baby. 1088 00:42:14,281 --> 00:42:16,116 Not my rule. Your rule. 1089 00:42:16,200 --> 00:42:17,284 [laughing] 1090 00:42:18,035 --> 00:42:21,247 Flew in from New York to Houston. Okay. 1091 00:42:21,330 --> 00:42:24,833 I live here, but we flew in from New York to Houston 1092 00:42:24,917 --> 00:42:27,753 and there's not a single body of water in sight. 1093 00:42:28,504 --> 00:42:31,090 But we have to worry about this flotation device, everybody. 1094 00:42:31,173 --> 00:42:33,008 You put the thing on over and you 1095 00:42:33,092 --> 00:42:34,218 buckle up the front. 1096 00:42:34,301 --> 00:42:36,971 And then you pull the string… [swoosh noise] like that. 1097 00:42:37,054 --> 00:42:38,347 And it will inflate. 1098 00:42:38,430 --> 00:42:41,350 But if it doesn't inflate, don't panic! 1099 00:42:41,433 --> 00:42:43,561 There's a straw right here. 1100 00:42:43,644 --> 00:42:44,478 [laughing] 1101 00:42:44,562 --> 00:42:47,523 That only, apparently, requires one breath. 1102 00:42:47,606 --> 00:42:49,149 One magical breath. 1103 00:42:49,233 --> 00:42:51,777 They make this shit look so easy. Just… [blows] 1104 00:42:51,860 --> 00:42:54,029 "You're fine everybody, you're fine." 1105 00:42:54,113 --> 00:42:56,282 Bitch, have you ever tried to inflate 1106 00:42:56,365 --> 00:42:58,784 anything manually in your whole life? 1107 00:42:58,867 --> 00:43:00,119 [laughing] 1108 00:43:00,202 --> 00:43:02,121 I did my nephew's pool party. 1109 00:43:02,204 --> 00:43:04,540 I damn near died doing his floaties. 1110 00:43:04,623 --> 00:43:06,208 [laughing] 1111 00:43:06,292 --> 00:43:08,711 You're telling me in the middle of a crash landing, we'll be like… 1112 00:43:08,794 --> 00:43:13,299 -[screams and blows] -[laughing] 1113 00:43:13,382 --> 00:43:14,216 Dead. 1114 00:43:14,300 --> 00:43:15,676 [laughing] 1115 00:43:15,759 --> 00:43:18,804 Don't worry, there's a second and third layer of protection, okay. 1116 00:43:18,887 --> 00:43:21,015 There's a little flickering light, okay. 1117 00:43:21,098 --> 00:43:23,392 It's not even a light. It's a reflective light 1118 00:43:23,475 --> 00:43:25,644 the size of a dime, I shit you not. 1119 00:43:25,728 --> 00:43:28,564 The size of a dime and a whistle. Okay. 1120 00:43:28,647 --> 00:43:33,027 In the vast, echo-y, reflective oceans of the Earth, 1121 00:43:33,110 --> 00:43:35,321 this is how we're gonna find your bitch ass… [mock whistle noise] 1122 00:43:35,404 --> 00:43:36,780 "I'm right here." [mock laughs] 1123 00:43:36,864 --> 00:43:38,949 [whistle noise] "I'm right here." [mock laugh] 1124 00:43:39,033 --> 00:43:41,535 [whistle noise] "You haven't found the Malaysia plane." 1125 00:43:41,619 --> 00:43:44,580 -[laughing] -"An entire jumbo jet, bitch." 1126 00:43:44,663 --> 00:43:47,166 [cheers and applause] 1127 00:43:50,669 --> 00:43:53,005 You're gonna find my bitch ass, just floating around… 1128 00:43:53,088 --> 00:43:54,757 [whistle noise] "I'm right here." 1129 00:43:54,840 --> 00:43:56,300 [whistle noise] "I'm right here." 1130 00:43:56,383 --> 00:44:00,304 You just told all the ocean's predators your exact location. 1131 00:44:00,387 --> 00:44:03,223 You're dead. BeTizik is what I'm saying. 1132 00:44:09,313 --> 00:44:11,357 -[grunts] -[laughing and applause] 1133 00:44:12,608 --> 00:44:15,736 [grunting and laughs] 1134 00:44:15,819 --> 00:44:17,988 -[laughs] -[laughing] 1135 00:44:18,072 --> 00:44:18,947 Fuck! 1136 00:44:19,031 --> 00:44:20,324 [laughing] 1137 00:44:21,116 --> 00:44:25,162 For the first time, for the first time I ever felt this way in my life. 1138 00:44:25,245 --> 00:44:28,666 I'm a refugee that came to America, I'm an American citizen, of course, now. 1139 00:44:28,749 --> 00:44:30,376 But, you know, for the first time 1140 00:44:30,459 --> 00:44:33,587 everybody that was making fun of Texas in California, 1141 00:44:33,671 --> 00:44:35,506 right in the middle of the pandemic, 1142 00:44:35,589 --> 00:44:37,925 "Oh, we need to go to Texas." Yeah? 1143 00:44:38,008 --> 00:44:40,344 "You need to come here?" For the first time I felt this way, 1144 00:44:40,427 --> 00:44:42,638 "Go back to where you came from, son of a bitch." 1145 00:44:42,721 --> 00:44:43,555 [laughing] 1146 00:44:43,639 --> 00:44:45,766 -"You're fucking up our real estate." -[cheers and applause] 1147 00:44:45,849 --> 00:44:48,352 "Go back home." That's how I feel. 1148 00:44:48,435 --> 00:44:50,020 That's how… 1149 00:44:50,104 --> 00:44:52,773 I was like, "I get why they do it. It felt good, a little bit. It felt good." 1150 00:44:52,856 --> 00:44:53,691 [soft laughing] 1151 00:44:53,774 --> 00:44:56,151 I am an Arab-American. That's what I am. 1152 00:44:56,235 --> 00:44:58,862 Didn't do it. Yup. 1153 00:44:58,946 --> 00:45:00,114 [cheering and applause] 1154 00:45:00,864 --> 00:45:02,658 Palestinian-Arab-Amer-- This is… 1155 00:45:02,741 --> 00:45:04,576 -[cheering and whistling] -Listen. 1156 00:45:04,660 --> 00:45:05,953 Thank you. 1157 00:45:07,204 --> 00:45:09,540 All right, let's start that party. Let's do it. 1158 00:45:10,541 --> 00:45:13,627 Here's the thing. I'm not doing that for applause. 1159 00:45:13,710 --> 00:45:17,172 I did that just to tell you that's how you identify yourself. 1160 00:45:17,256 --> 00:45:20,801 I am an Arab-American. That's how it works here in America. 1161 00:45:20,884 --> 00:45:23,095 If you're not White, 1162 00:45:23,178 --> 00:45:25,347 you have something before American. 1163 00:45:25,431 --> 00:45:27,015 [laughing] 1164 00:45:27,099 --> 00:45:30,436 Unless when I'm buying a gun. That's the only time. 1165 00:45:30,519 --> 00:45:33,147 When you're buying a gun in Texas, the first question is, 1166 00:45:33,230 --> 00:45:35,274 "Are you hispanic?" 1167 00:45:35,357 --> 00:45:37,985 Super racist. "No." [laughs] 1168 00:45:38,068 --> 00:45:40,654 Next, "Are you African-Americ--" "No." [laughs] 1169 00:45:40,737 --> 00:45:42,656 And then there, has no Arab-American. 1170 00:45:42,739 --> 00:45:45,576 I was like, you know what, fuck it, "I'm White as fuck today." 1171 00:45:45,659 --> 00:45:48,662 "Give me that double barrel, 12 gauge shot gun, baby." 1172 00:45:48,745 --> 00:45:50,330 [laughing] 1173 00:45:51,290 --> 00:45:53,459 But all the other times, 1174 00:45:53,542 --> 00:45:56,295 all the other times, I'm Arab-American. 1175 00:45:56,378 --> 00:45:59,548 You're not White in America, you have something before American. 1176 00:45:59,631 --> 00:46:01,091 That's how it works out. 1177 00:46:01,175 --> 00:46:03,302 That's just the way it is. [laughs] Okay. 1178 00:46:03,385 --> 00:46:05,429 Unless you're White. You're just White. 1179 00:46:05,512 --> 00:46:07,764 Everybody else, something right before American. 1180 00:46:07,848 --> 00:46:09,600 Even Natives. Natives are natives. 1181 00:46:09,683 --> 00:46:12,519 -Native Americans. We got to identify… -[laughing] 1182 00:46:12,603 --> 00:46:14,563 …the Native Americans. 1183 00:46:15,689 --> 00:46:18,317 African Americans. Most of my Black friends have never been to Africa. 1184 00:46:18,400 --> 00:46:21,028 Nonetheless, they're African Americans anyway. 1185 00:46:21,945 --> 00:46:25,073 Mexican-Americans, Asian-Americans, and so forth and so on. 1186 00:46:25,741 --> 00:46:26,658 Unless you're White. 1187 00:46:26,742 --> 00:46:29,786 If you're White, you just sprouted from the corn fields of Ohio. 1188 00:46:29,870 --> 00:46:30,704 [laughing] 1189 00:46:30,787 --> 00:46:32,789 And you just spread across this great land. 1190 00:46:32,873 --> 00:46:34,500 Unless it's Saint Paddy's day, then you're like, 1191 00:46:34,583 --> 00:46:37,503 "Oh, shit, my great-granddaddy was a quarter Irish." 1192 00:46:37,586 --> 00:46:38,795 [laughing and applause] 1193 00:46:46,303 --> 00:46:47,429 [huffs] 1194 00:46:47,513 --> 00:46:50,516 That's what I am though, an Arab-American. And I got to say, 1195 00:46:50,599 --> 00:46:52,476 as an Arab-American, 1196 00:46:52,559 --> 00:46:55,771 I find it really fascinating to see our culture 1197 00:46:55,854 --> 00:46:57,272 spreading throughout the West. 1198 00:46:57,356 --> 00:46:59,608 Really fascinating. It is. 1199 00:46:59,691 --> 00:47:00,526 [cheering and applause] 1200 00:47:00,609 --> 00:47:02,819 It's pretty damn cool. 1201 00:47:02,903 --> 00:47:04,571 Like, if you don't know what a hookah is, 1202 00:47:04,655 --> 00:47:06,657 you're like culturally ignorant. 1203 00:47:06,740 --> 00:47:08,200 And if you don't know what a hookah is… 1204 00:47:08,283 --> 00:47:11,620 "You don't know what a hookah is, Denise? Where have you been?" [giggles] 1205 00:47:11,703 --> 00:47:15,749 "It's like this bong, but it's not. It's like 1206 00:47:15,832 --> 00:47:18,252 so ornate and it has 1207 00:47:18,335 --> 00:47:21,213 all these different tobaccos flavors. And then 1208 00:47:21,296 --> 00:47:24,258 there's this pipe that comes out. And you just prrr." 1209 00:47:24,925 --> 00:47:27,636 "Blow it out, it's so-- We can get two pipes 1210 00:47:27,719 --> 00:47:30,764 and we can brrr together, Denise. Oh, my God." [laughs] 1211 00:47:30,847 --> 00:47:32,891 And then White people saw this, which is amazing. 1212 00:47:32,975 --> 00:47:35,561 You got to give it up. They distilled it into a battery and put 1213 00:47:35,644 --> 00:47:38,230 a cartridge on top of it 1214 00:47:38,313 --> 00:47:41,525 with some mysterious liquid that nobody's questioning. 1215 00:47:41,608 --> 00:47:42,442 [laughing] 1216 00:47:42,526 --> 00:47:44,778 Everybody just walk around like… [snorts] 1217 00:47:45,362 --> 00:47:50,701 -[growly exhale] -[laughing] 1218 00:47:50,784 --> 00:47:52,077 "It's perfectly healthy." 1219 00:47:52,160 --> 00:47:55,581 "Bro, I've never seen that much smoke come out of a hookah." 1220 00:47:55,664 --> 00:47:56,915 [laughing] 1221 00:47:56,999 --> 00:47:58,458 "Much less this little device." 1222 00:47:58,542 --> 00:48:01,461 "You're changing weather climates on a regular basis." 1223 00:48:01,545 --> 00:48:03,171 "What the fuck is going on?" 1224 00:48:03,255 --> 00:48:04,756 "No, it's healthy." [mock laughs] 1225 00:48:04,840 --> 00:48:07,217 [snorts and growly exhale] 1226 00:48:07,301 --> 00:48:10,345 "It can't be, bro. It's a metal with some battery 1227 00:48:10,429 --> 00:48:12,431 hooked up to some metal. I'm sure you're fucked." 1228 00:48:12,514 --> 00:48:13,682 "Please stop doing this." 1229 00:48:13,765 --> 00:48:14,766 [laughing] 1230 00:48:14,850 --> 00:48:17,019 That's the first public service announcement. 1231 00:48:17,102 --> 00:48:18,103 [soft laughing] 1232 00:48:18,186 --> 00:48:20,814 The second public service announcement, 1233 00:48:22,024 --> 00:48:25,110 something that Redd Foxx actually tried to spread in America 1234 00:48:25,193 --> 00:48:27,070 in the early 70's. 1235 00:48:27,154 --> 00:48:31,325 And I would say that most Muslims living in the West 1236 00:48:31,408 --> 00:48:33,452 are all wondering why… 1237 00:48:34,620 --> 00:48:36,955 nobody wash their ass. I'm just gonna say it. [laughs] 1238 00:48:37,039 --> 00:48:39,291 -[laughing] -[cheers and applause] 1239 00:48:40,250 --> 00:48:41,543 It's really weird. 1240 00:48:42,252 --> 00:48:43,795 Please wash your ass. [laughs] 1241 00:48:43,879 --> 00:48:48,133 It's really weird that bidets are like not the norm, you know what I mean? 1242 00:48:48,216 --> 00:48:51,595 Why is toilet paper the first and only option? 1243 00:48:51,678 --> 00:48:54,973 It's like, that's it. It's like leaves, toilet paper, 1244 00:48:55,057 --> 00:48:56,308 baby wipes, and water. 1245 00:48:56,391 --> 00:48:58,060 Why? Why would you do this? 1246 00:48:58,143 --> 00:49:00,312 It's obvio-- Everybody's eating ass. 1247 00:49:00,395 --> 00:49:03,065 Nobody's washing their ass. It's crazy. 1248 00:49:03,148 --> 00:49:04,816 [loud laughing] 1249 00:49:05,984 --> 00:49:06,985 It's crazy. 1250 00:49:08,945 --> 00:49:10,781 If you got shit on you, you're like, 1251 00:49:10,864 --> 00:49:14,201 "Oh, my God, I got shit." You would wash it off right away. 1252 00:49:14,284 --> 00:49:15,786 You're like, "Oh, I'm okay now." 1253 00:49:15,869 --> 00:49:17,579 "I got the shit off of me." 1254 00:49:17,663 --> 00:49:20,415 But when you go, you're like, "I'm fine." And you just walk… 1255 00:49:20,499 --> 00:49:21,958 [laughing] 1256 00:49:26,088 --> 00:49:27,089 [huffs] 1257 00:49:28,465 --> 00:49:31,176 My cousin came to visit me from back home. 1258 00:49:31,259 --> 00:49:34,137 And he was like, "Hey, I want to try five-star hotel." 1259 00:49:34,221 --> 00:49:37,099 I'm like, "Bro, of course. Enjoy yourself." 1260 00:49:37,182 --> 00:49:40,352 And he does it. And I said, "Hey, man, I'll pick you up 1261 00:49:40,435 --> 00:49:43,397 at noon at the mall. Next day." He was like, "Okay." 1262 00:49:43,480 --> 00:49:45,732 And I picked him up the next day 1263 00:49:45,816 --> 00:49:48,151 and I see him, he had this really upset look on his face. 1264 00:49:48,235 --> 00:49:49,695 I'm like, "What's going on, bro?" 1265 00:49:49,778 --> 00:49:51,238 He was like this. I'm like, "What's going on, bro?" 1266 00:49:51,321 --> 00:49:53,281 He was like, "Allah Yoqrifhem". 1267 00:49:53,365 --> 00:49:56,326 "Allah Yoqrifhem". 1268 00:49:56,410 --> 00:49:57,786 I was like, "Bro, you can't be yelling Allah 1269 00:49:57,869 --> 00:49:59,037 in the middle of the Galleria Mall like this." 1270 00:49:59,121 --> 00:50:01,039 -[laughing] -"What are you doing?" 1271 00:50:01,123 --> 00:50:02,582 "Relax." 1272 00:50:03,917 --> 00:50:06,795 "What's the problem?" He goes, "They don't have a bidet." 1273 00:50:06,878 --> 00:50:10,340 "They don't have a bidet. Five star hotel!" 1274 00:50:10,424 --> 00:50:12,551 "Not one star, two star, three star, four star, 1275 00:50:12,634 --> 00:50:14,678 five star hotel! No bidet." 1276 00:50:14,761 --> 00:50:17,973 "Every time I go to the bathroom, I have to take a shower." 1277 00:50:18,056 --> 00:50:19,224 [laughing] 1278 00:50:19,307 --> 00:50:21,977 "I've taken five showers today, Mo." 1279 00:50:22,060 --> 00:50:23,270 [laughing] 1280 00:50:25,355 --> 00:50:28,108 "I'm more worried about your digestional tract, bro." 1281 00:50:28,191 --> 00:50:29,025 [laughing] 1282 00:50:29,109 --> 00:50:31,319 "Five shits before noon. What are you doing?" 1283 00:50:31,403 --> 00:50:32,279 [laughing] 1284 00:50:32,362 --> 00:50:34,406 "Stop eating at IHOP, okay." 1285 00:50:34,489 --> 00:50:36,366 [laughing] 1286 00:50:38,076 --> 00:50:39,369 My friend Nick came over. 1287 00:50:39,453 --> 00:50:42,289 I upgraded all my toilets after my first Netflix special. 1288 00:50:42,372 --> 00:50:44,082 Those Japanese toilets. 1289 00:50:44,166 --> 00:50:46,501 And my friend Nick walks into the bathroom. 1290 00:50:46,585 --> 00:50:48,378 He walks right back out. He's like, "Hey, Mo, 1291 00:50:48,462 --> 00:50:51,965 why does, uh, your toilet have a remote?" 1292 00:50:52,048 --> 00:50:53,800 [laughing] 1293 00:50:53,884 --> 00:50:57,012 I was like, "Oh, because it has a built-in bidet and blow dryer." 1294 00:50:57,095 --> 00:50:58,263 He was like, "What's a bidet?" 1295 00:50:58,346 --> 00:51:00,599 I was like, "You don't know what a bidet is?" He was like, "No." 1296 00:51:00,682 --> 00:51:02,476 I was like, "Oh, my God, I failed you." 1297 00:51:02,559 --> 00:51:04,102 -[laughing] -I was like… 1298 00:51:04,186 --> 00:51:05,520 I was like, "A bidet is 1299 00:51:05,604 --> 00:51:06,938 once you go boo-boo, 1300 00:51:07,022 --> 00:51:11,151 it sprays water up your-- around your ass and washes your ass." 1301 00:51:11,234 --> 00:51:12,944 His response to me was, "Ew." 1302 00:51:13,028 --> 00:51:14,237 I was like, "Ew?" 1303 00:51:14,321 --> 00:51:17,699 I'm like, "Nick, you're the 'ew' in this equation, bro." 1304 00:51:18,408 --> 00:51:19,826 Get in there and wash your ass. 1305 00:51:19,910 --> 00:51:20,744 [laughing and applause] 1306 00:51:22,078 --> 00:51:24,122 [cheering and applause] 1307 00:51:26,416 --> 00:51:28,835 He was in there for like 20 minutes, man. 1308 00:51:28,919 --> 00:51:30,462 He came out like he was baptized. He was like… 1309 00:51:30,545 --> 00:51:34,132 He was like… [sing-song] Ah-ah-ah! 1310 00:51:34,216 --> 00:51:35,675 [laughing and applause] 1311 00:51:36,635 --> 00:51:40,388 He had a stride in his step. A new confidence I've never seen before. 1312 00:51:40,472 --> 00:51:41,389 [laughing] 1313 00:51:41,473 --> 00:51:43,433 Second public service announcement. 1314 00:51:44,100 --> 00:51:45,602 The third one 1315 00:51:45,685 --> 00:51:47,312 starts off with a question. 1316 00:51:47,395 --> 00:51:50,315 Imagine it's World War II era. Okay. 1317 00:51:50,398 --> 00:51:53,735 Very important. Imagine it's World War II era in America. 1318 00:51:53,819 --> 00:51:55,737 And I'm walking around the States like, "Hey, 1319 00:51:55,821 --> 00:51:58,031 would you like to try some of this sushi?" 1320 00:51:58,114 --> 00:52:00,659 They'd be like, "Oh, what's sushi?" You'd be like, 1321 00:52:00,742 --> 00:52:02,661 "Sushi is a Japanese dish." 1322 00:52:02,744 --> 00:52:05,163 They'd be like, "Japanese!" 1323 00:52:05,247 --> 00:52:07,874 "Get this damn Jap-food out of my face!" 1324 00:52:07,958 --> 00:52:08,834 [soft laughing] 1325 00:52:08,917 --> 00:52:10,460 Probably what they would say. 1326 00:52:10,544 --> 00:52:11,920 [soft laughing] 1327 00:52:12,003 --> 00:52:15,382 Now imagine it's September 12th, 1328 00:52:15,465 --> 00:52:17,342 2001, 1329 00:52:17,425 --> 00:52:19,469 and I'm walking around the States like, "Hey, 1330 00:52:19,553 --> 00:52:21,513 would you like to try some of this hummus?" 1331 00:52:21,596 --> 00:52:23,348 They'd be like, "Oh, what's hummus?" 1332 00:52:23,431 --> 00:52:25,851 I'm like, "Oh, hummus is a very Arab dish." 1333 00:52:25,934 --> 00:52:27,394 They'd be like, "Arab!" [bash noise] 1334 00:52:27,477 --> 00:52:31,273 "Get this damn sand-nigga-al-Qaida-food out of my face!" 1335 00:52:31,356 --> 00:52:32,732 [laughing] 1336 00:52:32,816 --> 00:52:34,484 It's probably what they would say. 1337 00:52:34,568 --> 00:52:35,527 [soft laughing] 1338 00:52:35,610 --> 00:52:38,071 Here's a very important clarification, 1339 00:52:38,154 --> 00:52:42,117 the way you say it is "hummus". It's an "h". It's a "ha". Okay. 1340 00:52:42,200 --> 00:52:44,494 Jews, it's not [Jewish accent] hummus. Okay. 1341 00:52:44,578 --> 00:52:47,289 [Jewish accent] It's not hummus. It's not hummus. 1342 00:52:47,372 --> 00:52:50,584 "Ghe" is a different letter in our alphabet. Okay. 1343 00:52:50,667 --> 00:52:53,378 In our lang-- "Ghe" is a completely different letter. 1344 00:52:53,461 --> 00:52:57,007 You don't have the "ghe" in your language. So obviously it's not yours. 1345 00:52:57,090 --> 00:53:00,176 Back the fuck up. It's our hummus. 1346 00:53:00,260 --> 00:53:01,511 [cheering and applause] 1347 00:53:01,595 --> 00:53:02,721 Back up. 1348 00:53:05,515 --> 00:53:06,933 It's what it is. All right. 1349 00:53:07,017 --> 00:53:08,476 And now hummus is everywhere. 1350 00:53:08,560 --> 00:53:09,853 "Oh, I want some hummus." 1351 00:53:09,936 --> 00:53:12,022 Hummus, some shitty hummus everywhere. 1352 00:53:12,105 --> 00:53:13,732 Fucking coffee shops have hummus. 1353 00:53:13,815 --> 00:53:15,400 Seven Elevens have hummus. 1354 00:53:15,483 --> 00:53:18,403 Every gas station, hummus, hummus, hummus. 1355 00:53:18,486 --> 00:53:20,780 I was on a flight and the flight attendant comes up, 1356 00:53:20,864 --> 00:53:22,616 "Would you like to have a little light snack?" 1357 00:53:22,699 --> 00:53:24,117 I looked at it. I was like, "What the fuck is this?" 1358 00:53:24,200 --> 00:53:25,201 She's like, "This is hummus." 1359 00:53:25,285 --> 00:53:28,747 I was like, "No, it's not." This is a little juice box situation. 1360 00:53:28,830 --> 00:53:31,791 You rip off a little corner and you get a little potato chip like this. 1361 00:53:31,875 --> 00:53:32,918 And you squeeze it out. 1362 00:53:33,001 --> 00:53:35,629 Just metaphorically shitting on my entire lineage. 1363 00:53:35,712 --> 00:53:37,797 -"Fuck your history." That's how it feels. -[laughing and applause] 1364 00:53:37,881 --> 00:53:39,007 That's how it feels. 1365 00:53:39,090 --> 00:53:41,593 "Fuck your grandmother with every shit 1366 00:53:41,676 --> 00:53:43,845 of hummus that comes out of this thing. Ugh." 1367 00:53:43,929 --> 00:53:45,055 It's not hummus. 1368 00:53:45,138 --> 00:53:46,306 [soft laughing] 1369 00:53:46,389 --> 00:53:48,934 I went to Trader Joe's and they have those samples like, 1370 00:53:49,017 --> 00:53:51,686 "Hey, would you like to try a some of this chocolate hummus? 1371 00:53:51,770 --> 00:53:54,856 I was like, "What the fuck? It's chocolate hummus." 1372 00:53:54,940 --> 00:53:56,399 [laughing] 1373 00:53:57,108 --> 00:54:00,028 And then I just fainted like building seven. I just fainted. 1374 00:54:00,111 --> 00:54:01,988 [soft laughing] 1375 00:54:05,450 --> 00:54:07,077 We got to talk about it at some point. 1376 00:54:07,160 --> 00:54:08,703 [laughing] 1377 00:54:08,787 --> 00:54:10,580 Went to this South African 1378 00:54:10,664 --> 00:54:14,292 fine dining South African restaurant when we were filming the movie in Atlanta. 1379 00:54:14,376 --> 00:54:15,877 And the waiter comes over and he's like, 1380 00:54:15,961 --> 00:54:19,339 "Say, bra, we have some red bean hummus here." 1381 00:54:19,422 --> 00:54:21,049 I was like, "What the fuck did you just say?" 1382 00:54:21,132 --> 00:54:23,718 He goes, "We have some red bean hummus here." 1383 00:54:23,802 --> 00:54:26,221 I was like, "Bro, are there chickpeas in this?" 1384 00:54:26,304 --> 00:54:29,474 He goes, "Nah, bra, it's red bean hummus." 1385 00:54:29,557 --> 00:54:32,435 I was like, "Bitch, hummus means chickpeas!" 1386 00:54:32,519 --> 00:54:33,603 [laughing] 1387 00:54:33,687 --> 00:54:35,897 This is refried beans, dog. 1388 00:54:35,981 --> 00:54:37,023 [laughing and applause] 1389 00:54:38,525 --> 00:54:41,069 Frijoles refritos homie. 1390 00:54:42,988 --> 00:54:45,907 "You're pawning off Mexican food now?" 1391 00:54:45,991 --> 00:54:48,743 "As hummus? Get this shit out of my face!" 1392 00:54:49,786 --> 00:54:51,496 Hummus is very simple. 1393 00:54:51,579 --> 00:54:54,666 It's four ingredients, sometimes five. That's all it is. 1394 00:54:54,749 --> 00:54:56,459 You get your chickpeas, tahini paste, 1395 00:54:56,543 --> 00:54:59,337 lemon juice, salt, sometimes garlic. Okay. 1396 00:54:59,421 --> 00:55:01,965 You get your food processor out. 1397 00:55:02,048 --> 00:55:03,258 It's like a little science experiment. 1398 00:55:03,341 --> 00:55:05,969 Put it all in there, you're like… [blending noise] 1399 00:55:06,052 --> 00:55:08,054 "No, no, no. More tahini paste." [blending noise] 1400 00:55:09,931 --> 00:55:11,433 "No, no, no. More lemon juice." [blending noise] 1401 00:55:12,851 --> 00:55:16,563 You're like, "Fuck, it's all lemon juice." More chickpeas. More tahini paste. 1402 00:55:18,064 --> 00:55:19,816 "Fuck, it's all tahini paste again." 1403 00:55:19,899 --> 00:55:21,776 "More lemon juice." [blending noise] 1404 00:55:21,860 --> 00:55:23,528 Like, "Fuck, it's all lemon juice. Needs salt." 1405 00:55:23,611 --> 00:55:26,322 "Chickpeas and tahini paste." [blending noise] 1406 00:55:26,406 --> 00:55:27,782 You're like, "Fuck, more tahini paste." 1407 00:55:28,867 --> 00:55:30,660 You're like, "Oh, that's perfect." 1408 00:55:32,996 --> 00:55:34,831 [cheering and applause] 1409 00:55:39,210 --> 00:55:41,963 Now you have 20 pounds of hummus right here. 1410 00:55:42,047 --> 00:55:43,506 [laughing] 1411 00:55:43,590 --> 00:55:44,591 [huffs] 1412 00:55:45,592 --> 00:55:46,634 [laughing] 1413 00:55:47,135 --> 00:55:48,762 This is very important. 1414 00:55:48,845 --> 00:55:50,930 You scoop out the hummus and you put it in a bowl. 1415 00:55:51,014 --> 00:55:53,016 Okay. You put the hummus in a bowl! 1416 00:55:53,099 --> 00:55:54,934 You don't put it on a flat plate. 1417 00:55:55,018 --> 00:55:56,519 Nobody know how to dip 1418 00:55:56,603 --> 00:55:58,229 on a flat plate, bro. 1419 00:55:58,313 --> 00:56:01,274 -You got like race track marks everywhere. -[laughing] 1420 00:56:01,357 --> 00:56:03,651 You got hummus coming over the sides. 1421 00:56:03,735 --> 00:56:05,487 Complete chaos. 1422 00:56:05,570 --> 00:56:08,907 You need a bowl to help you with the scoop situation. Okay. 1423 00:56:09,407 --> 00:56:10,366 Now we're not done yet. 1424 00:56:10,450 --> 00:56:11,451 You got that bowl of hummus and 1425 00:56:11,534 --> 00:56:12,744 you make a little crater right in the middle. 1426 00:56:12,827 --> 00:56:16,039 Grab some fresh chickpeas, you put it right in the middle for texture. Okay. 1427 00:56:16,122 --> 00:56:19,084 And then you grab some olive oil. Not that clear yellow shit. 1428 00:56:19,167 --> 00:56:20,877 Some deep green olive oil. 1429 00:56:20,960 --> 00:56:22,170 "Oh, what do I do with that?" 1430 00:56:22,253 --> 00:56:24,714 "Do I just drizzle, a little drizzle of garnish?" 1431 00:56:24,798 --> 00:56:26,966 -"No, whore. You turn it over… -[laughing] 1432 00:56:27,050 --> 00:56:28,760 …and you hold it. Okay." 1433 00:56:28,843 --> 00:56:31,471 "One Mississippi, two, three, four." 1434 00:56:31,554 --> 00:56:34,474 "If you think it's too much, it's not enough. Keep it going." 1435 00:56:34,557 --> 00:56:36,017 [laughing] 1436 00:56:36,851 --> 00:56:37,852 Okay. 1437 00:56:39,646 --> 00:56:41,773 I like to finish it off with a little lemon juice. 1438 00:56:41,856 --> 00:56:43,733 And some diced up jalapenos. 1439 00:56:43,817 --> 00:56:45,443 And I put them on each corner like that. 1440 00:56:45,527 --> 00:56:46,820 Now if I serve you 1441 00:56:46,903 --> 00:56:49,697 this extremely authentic Palestinian hummus 1442 00:56:49,781 --> 00:56:51,241 and you grab a carrot, 1443 00:56:51,324 --> 00:56:53,243 I'm gonna fuck you up, okay. 1444 00:56:53,326 --> 00:56:54,160 [laughing] 1445 00:56:54,244 --> 00:56:57,413 "I just want to try it and I'm watching my carbs." 1446 00:56:57,497 --> 00:56:59,749 "It's not for you, ho. Back the fuck up!" 1447 00:56:59,833 --> 00:57:00,667 [laughing] 1448 00:57:00,750 --> 00:57:02,669 You need some fresh hot, 1449 00:57:02,752 --> 00:57:04,796 fresh hot steamy pita bread. 1450 00:57:04,879 --> 00:57:06,631 You rip off a little corner like this. 1451 00:57:06,714 --> 00:57:09,676 And you put it together. And it just binds because it's so steamy. 1452 00:57:09,759 --> 00:57:11,052 You make a perfect cone 1453 00:57:11,136 --> 00:57:13,096 and when you dip, you dip like this… 1454 00:57:13,179 --> 00:57:15,140 You dip towards yourself. 1455 00:57:15,223 --> 00:57:16,516 You don't dip out! 1456 00:57:16,599 --> 00:57:19,686 You're like, "Oh, I wanna taste like what it's like on that side." 1457 00:57:19,769 --> 00:57:23,064 "Bitch, it's the same hummus on each side. Okay." 1458 00:57:23,148 --> 00:57:24,065 [laughing and applause] 1459 00:57:24,149 --> 00:57:27,777 "Nobody wants your stinky ass fingers in their hummus, all right." 1460 00:57:27,861 --> 00:57:29,612 "Oh, but I wanna taste what's on that side." 1461 00:57:29,696 --> 00:57:32,991 "You know what, I'm gonna put a wall right in the middle of the hummus." 1462 00:57:33,074 --> 00:57:34,117 [cheering and applause] 1463 00:57:34,200 --> 00:57:35,952 "Put a wall right here." 1464 00:57:37,412 --> 00:57:39,456 All right. That side is hummus. 1465 00:57:39,539 --> 00:57:40,999 This side is hummus. 1466 00:57:41,082 --> 00:57:43,543 I was looking for a one-bowl solution, 1467 00:57:43,626 --> 00:57:45,170 but you won't share, so 1468 00:57:45,253 --> 00:57:46,671 BeTizik is what I'm saying. 1469 00:57:46,754 --> 00:57:47,755 [cheering and applause] 1470 00:57:47,839 --> 00:57:50,258 Thank you so much, Houston. I love you. 1471 00:57:50,341 --> 00:57:51,676 Thank you so much. 1472 00:57:51,759 --> 00:57:54,679 [cheering and applause] 1473 00:57:57,599 --> 00:57:59,684 [Mo] Man, I love you all. Take a seat, take a seat. 1474 00:58:00,768 --> 00:58:02,729 What a beautiful thing. What a beautiful gathering. 1475 00:58:02,812 --> 00:58:05,607 I take all of this very, very seriously. 1476 00:58:06,941 --> 00:58:08,651 I'm gonna tell you why 1477 00:58:08,735 --> 00:58:10,278 it's all so important to me. 1478 00:58:10,361 --> 00:58:12,780 It took me 20 years to get my citizenship. 1479 00:58:12,864 --> 00:58:14,741 It's talked about in my first special. 1480 00:58:14,824 --> 00:58:16,284 I am Palestinian 1481 00:58:16,367 --> 00:58:20,413 and it was the first time I was able to actually go back to Palestine. 1482 00:58:20,497 --> 00:58:22,499 -[whoops and cheers] -Because you're not allowed, 1483 00:58:23,333 --> 00:58:26,836 you're not allowed to go back, even though 1484 00:58:26,920 --> 00:58:29,130 my mother's born there, my great-grandmother's born there, 1485 00:58:29,214 --> 00:58:31,508 my grandmother, my great-grandmother… 1486 00:58:31,591 --> 00:58:34,511 We have a thousand years of history there. 1487 00:58:34,594 --> 00:58:35,845 Still cannot go there 1488 00:58:35,929 --> 00:58:38,765 until you get your US passport. And it's still an obstacle 1489 00:58:38,848 --> 00:58:40,517 when you get there, you know. 1490 00:58:40,600 --> 00:58:42,227 When you first get there, like, 1491 00:58:42,310 --> 00:58:43,603 "Where you from?" 1492 00:58:43,686 --> 00:58:45,021 "Bitch, where are you from?" 1493 00:58:45,104 --> 00:58:46,397 [laughing] 1494 00:58:46,481 --> 00:58:48,399 And she said, "Uzbekistan." 1495 00:58:50,026 --> 00:58:51,027 It's tough. 1496 00:58:53,154 --> 00:58:54,489 It's a difficult thing. 1497 00:58:54,572 --> 00:58:56,658 You always think about going home. 1498 00:58:56,741 --> 00:58:59,035 Your mom talks about it. You see 1499 00:58:59,118 --> 00:59:01,496 my family back home. And you want to go see it. 1500 00:59:01,579 --> 00:59:02,789 Don't get me wrong, 1501 00:59:02,872 --> 00:59:06,084 I'm saying "back home", this is my home too. 1502 00:59:06,167 --> 00:59:07,293 This is my house. 1503 00:59:07,377 --> 00:59:10,129 -My father is buried here. -[cheers and applause] 1504 00:59:10,213 --> 00:59:11,631 You understand? 1505 00:59:11,714 --> 00:59:13,341 [applause] 1506 00:59:16,511 --> 00:59:19,264 [Mo sighs] So we went, 1507 00:59:19,347 --> 00:59:21,891 for the first time I went to Burin, 1508 00:59:21,975 --> 00:59:24,686 a little village short of Nablus, 1509 00:59:24,769 --> 00:59:25,979 where my family is from. 1510 00:59:26,813 --> 00:59:29,148 It was beautiful. I got to see my aunts. 1511 00:59:29,232 --> 00:59:30,942 Amazing, cooking up feasts. 1512 00:59:31,025 --> 00:59:33,778 This didn't get here by no accident. [laughs] 1513 00:59:33,861 --> 00:59:35,738 Some home cooking. You know. 1514 00:59:35,822 --> 00:59:38,616 Sitting there with my aunts and I'm looking out over the landscape, 1515 00:59:38,700 --> 00:59:41,119 thinking about my ancestors, thinking about my father, 1516 00:59:41,202 --> 00:59:42,662 thinking about my history. 1517 00:59:42,745 --> 00:59:45,164 I'm like, "Wow, I need to go to my grandparent's house, 1518 00:59:45,248 --> 00:59:46,416 who are no longer with us." 1519 00:59:46,499 --> 00:59:48,459 I was like, "I have to go to my grandparent's house." 1520 00:59:48,543 --> 00:59:50,169 "I have to see where my mother was born." 1521 00:59:50,253 --> 00:59:52,046 "I have to see this, please take me over there." 1522 00:59:52,130 --> 00:59:55,300 So they take me over there. And I just sit and of course 1523 00:59:55,383 --> 00:59:57,468 I had tears of joy and happiness. 1524 00:59:57,552 --> 00:59:58,803 So much going on 1525 00:59:58,886 --> 01:00:01,097 and we go to the rooftop. I'm like looking around. 1526 01:00:01,180 --> 01:00:04,183 I'm like breathing in the air soaking it all up. I'm like, "Ah." 1527 01:00:04,267 --> 01:00:05,435 And I see these walls. 1528 01:00:06,019 --> 01:00:09,188 These walls everywhere and it's sad, but, you know. 1529 01:00:09,272 --> 01:00:12,817 It is very sad and hopefully we can get past this at some fucking point. 1530 01:00:12,900 --> 01:00:15,987 But I'm looking out into the village. I'm focused on the village. 1531 01:00:16,070 --> 01:00:18,448 And I see this mosque in the middle of the village. 1532 01:00:18,531 --> 01:00:19,949 And I look at my cousin, 1533 01:00:20,033 --> 01:00:21,826 I was like, "How long has that mosque been there?" He's like, 1534 01:00:22,410 --> 01:00:23,411 "Hundreds of years. 1535 01:00:23,494 --> 01:00:24,871 Like it's been there for a hot minute, bro." 1536 01:00:24,954 --> 01:00:26,873 I was like, "I have to go pray there." 1537 01:00:26,956 --> 01:00:28,750 "I have to go pray there. I'm sure 1538 01:00:28,833 --> 01:00:30,585 my father prayed there, my grandfather, 1539 01:00:30,668 --> 01:00:32,712 my great-grandfather. I have to go pray there." 1540 01:00:32,795 --> 01:00:33,630 He was like, "Let's go." 1541 01:00:33,713 --> 01:00:36,424 So we go. And I prayed there. I was meditating. 1542 01:00:36,507 --> 01:00:38,968 I was like, "Wow, what a beautiful thing, experiencing this. 1543 01:00:39,052 --> 01:00:40,428 This is amazing." 1544 01:00:40,511 --> 01:00:43,431 And then these, like, five other guys were like, 1545 01:00:43,514 --> 01:00:45,516 looked up at the clock and they were like, "Hey, man, 1546 01:00:45,600 --> 01:00:48,227 it's time for our Maghrib prayers." I'm like, "What?" 1547 01:00:48,311 --> 01:00:52,023 He was like, "Yeah, go do the call for prayer right now." 1548 01:00:52,106 --> 01:00:54,359 I'm like, "Bro, I'm not gonna do the call for prayer. 1549 01:00:54,442 --> 01:00:55,693 I just got here, bro." 1550 01:00:55,777 --> 01:00:56,653 [laughing] 1551 01:00:56,736 --> 01:00:59,697 They were like, "But you have the beard." I'm like, "Not you too, bro." 1552 01:00:59,781 --> 01:01:00,657 "I'm just fat. 1553 01:01:00,740 --> 01:01:02,575 I don't want everybody to see the chin. You know what I'm saying?" 1554 01:01:03,242 --> 01:01:05,036 Then he's like, "No, you have to do the call for prayer." 1555 01:01:05,119 --> 01:01:08,164 "The time is now and you have to do the call for prayer." 1556 01:01:08,247 --> 01:01:10,083 I'm like, "Bra, I'm not gonna do the call for prayer." 1557 01:01:10,166 --> 01:01:11,834 And they're like, "You have to do the call for prayer." 1558 01:01:11,918 --> 01:01:13,127 And they're like, "You don't know the call for prayer?" 1559 01:01:13,211 --> 01:01:14,879 I was like, "Yeah, of course I know the call for prayer." 1560 01:01:14,962 --> 01:01:17,382 "But I had to go and speak into that microphone, 1561 01:01:17,465 --> 01:01:18,341 a little tiny little microphone." 1562 01:01:18,424 --> 01:01:20,176 "For the whole village, bro?" 1563 01:01:20,259 --> 01:01:21,886 "I performed in front of thousands of people, 1564 01:01:21,969 --> 01:01:25,098 but this is a lot of stress, bro. Scared to make mistakes." 1565 01:01:25,181 --> 01:01:28,393 "There are religious implications to this situation." 1566 01:01:28,476 --> 01:01:31,562 And they're like, "No, you have to do it." I was like, "Okay, I'll do it!" 1567 01:01:31,646 --> 01:01:32,897 And I walk up 1568 01:01:32,980 --> 01:01:35,233 and I was like, "Cousin, be next to me because I'm nervous. 1569 01:01:35,316 --> 01:01:36,734 Make sure I don't mess up." 1570 01:01:37,443 --> 01:01:39,278 [sighs] So I do the call for prayer. 1571 01:01:39,946 --> 01:01:41,489 Throughout the whole entire village. 1572 01:01:41,572 --> 01:01:44,992 And I'm overcome. I was like, "Oh, my God, this is amazing." 1573 01:01:45,076 --> 01:01:47,286 "What is this thing that's been written for me?" 1574 01:01:47,370 --> 01:01:48,913 "I can't believe this happened." 1575 01:01:48,996 --> 01:01:51,040 Right as I'm thinking this a man just 1576 01:01:51,124 --> 01:01:53,334 crashes right into the mosque. [crash noise] 1577 01:01:53,418 --> 01:01:55,670 "Who did the call for prayer?" Like this. 1578 01:01:55,753 --> 01:01:57,088 And everybody sells me out. 1579 01:01:57,171 --> 01:01:59,424 "This guy. This guy did the call for prayer." 1580 01:01:59,507 --> 01:02:00,466 [laughing] 1581 01:02:01,050 --> 01:02:02,301 "This guy did the call for prayer." 1582 01:02:02,385 --> 01:02:04,262 I was like, "Forget you all, man. 1583 01:02:04,345 --> 01:02:06,222 You forced me to do the call for prayer!" 1584 01:02:06,305 --> 01:02:07,432 He's like, "Why did you do it?" I was like, 1585 01:02:07,515 --> 01:02:09,809 "I just told you they forced me to do the call for prayer." 1586 01:02:09,892 --> 01:02:12,729 He goes, "Well, you just did it ten minutes early, bro." 1587 01:02:12,812 --> 01:02:14,731 "You did it ten minutes early." 1588 01:02:14,814 --> 01:02:17,734 I was like, "That clock is flashing, man. It's saying it's time." 1589 01:02:17,817 --> 01:02:19,736 He goes, "That clock is ten minutes ahead." 1590 01:02:19,819 --> 01:02:21,529 I was like, "I didn't know that. That's a digital clock. 1591 01:02:21,612 --> 01:02:22,613 Push the little buttons 1592 01:02:22,697 --> 01:02:24,699 -and it will fix the whole thing. Okay." -[laughing] 1593 01:02:24,782 --> 01:02:26,367 "You want me to do it?" 1594 01:02:26,451 --> 01:02:28,202 And he goes, "Wait, wait, wait, wait." 1595 01:02:28,286 --> 01:02:30,204 "I've been in the village my entire life." 1596 01:02:30,288 --> 01:02:31,748 "I know everyone in the village." 1597 01:02:31,831 --> 01:02:34,125 "Who are you? I've never seen you before." 1598 01:02:34,208 --> 01:02:35,376 "Who was your father?" 1599 01:02:35,460 --> 01:02:36,627 I tell him who my father is. 1600 01:02:36,711 --> 01:02:39,088 He goes, "Oh, my God." 1601 01:02:39,172 --> 01:02:40,631 He goes, "Oh, my God." 1602 01:02:40,715 --> 01:02:41,716 "Your father is Mustafa?" 1603 01:02:42,341 --> 01:02:44,594 I was like, "Yes, my father is Mustafa." 1604 01:02:45,261 --> 01:02:49,223 He goes, "You know who installed the sound system in this mosque?" 1605 01:02:49,307 --> 01:02:50,933 "Your father did." 1606 01:02:52,560 --> 01:02:55,438 [applause] 1607 01:03:03,946 --> 01:03:05,823 It was truly one of the most beautiful things 1608 01:03:05,907 --> 01:03:07,658 I have ever experienced in my life. 1609 01:03:07,742 --> 01:03:09,243 And I had to tell you this story. 1610 01:03:09,327 --> 01:03:11,746 Because just because I'm Palestinian 1611 01:03:11,829 --> 01:03:13,873 and I'm forced to live where I am, 1612 01:03:13,956 --> 01:03:14,916 it's not what it is. 1613 01:03:14,999 --> 01:03:18,127 Houston is the city that raised me. 1614 01:03:18,211 --> 01:03:21,255 And now Netflix is the label that pays me. 1615 01:03:21,339 --> 01:03:22,590 -[loud cheering] -I love y'all. 1616 01:03:24,050 --> 01:03:26,302 Thank you so much, Houston, I love you guys. 1617 01:03:26,385 --> 01:03:28,095 [cheering and applause] 1618 01:03:50,827 --> 01:03:53,329 {\an8}-[cheering] -[quirky flute music playing] 1619 01:04:01,212 --> 01:04:03,714 On September 16, 2021, 1620 01:04:03,798 --> 01:04:07,176 Mohammed Mo Amer would be recognized for his work 1621 01:04:07,260 --> 01:04:10,263 which continues to inspire, encourage, and of course 1622 01:04:10,346 --> 01:04:12,890 make people laugh, while providing 1623 01:04:12,974 --> 01:04:15,518 particularly unique and valuable encouragement 1624 01:04:15,601 --> 01:04:17,979 to Arab-Americans and other artists 1625 01:04:18,062 --> 01:04:19,939 from underrepresented minority communities. 1626 01:04:20,022 --> 01:04:21,357 Therefore I-- 1627 01:04:21,440 --> 01:04:23,651 Therefore I, Sylvester Turner, 1628 01:04:23,734 --> 01:04:25,403 major of the city of Houston, 1629 01:04:25,486 --> 01:04:27,697 hereby proudly proclaim this day, 1630 01:04:27,780 --> 01:04:30,533 September 16th, 2021, 1631 01:04:30,616 --> 01:04:34,996 as Mohammed Mo Amer day in the city of Houston. 1632 01:04:35,079 --> 01:04:37,081 [cheering]