1 00:00:00,584 --> 00:00:05,672 [pensive music] 2 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:11,887 --> 00:00:15,724 [ethereal voices sing] 5 00:00:20,395 --> 00:00:23,398 [TV static] 6 00:00:23,398 --> 00:00:26,777 [voices and music become haunting] 7 00:00:42,417 --> 00:00:45,754 MADSEN: In this world, most people think that who you are 8 00:00:45,754 --> 00:00:49,091 is a compilation of things that've happened to you 9 00:00:49,091 --> 00:00:50,801 or a series of choices you made, 10 00:00:52,469 --> 00:00:54,721 maybe the circumstances you were born into. 11 00:00:55,722 --> 00:00:58,225 [music continues, talking and laughing in home videos] 12 00:00:58,225 --> 00:00:59,935 Did you choose the right friends? 13 00:01:01,603 --> 00:01:03,480 Did your mother love you good enough? 14 00:01:07,776 --> 00:01:10,279 How did you become who you became? 15 00:01:12,781 --> 00:01:17,494 [old recording of Chopin's Prelude in E minor] 16 00:01:44,771 --> 00:01:47,274 [phone rings] 17 00:01:49,484 --> 00:01:51,485 -Hey. How are you? 18 00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:54,614 Good. 19 00:01:54,614 --> 00:01:56,616 I'm doing it now. 20 00:01:57,783 --> 00:01:59,119 What's the weather like there? 21 00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:00,996 Do I need hats and gloves and stuff or? 22 00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:02,819 Okay. 23 00:02:04,291 --> 00:02:05,887 You gonna tell me what happened? 24 00:02:09,170 --> 00:02:10,702 Case dismissed. 25 00:02:10,726 --> 00:02:11,799 Thank God. 26 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:13,634 -[on phone] You know, I guess they could do anything. 27 00:02:13,638 --> 00:02:17,137 But it'd be awfully hard to accuse her of murder 28 00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:19,324 when she was found not guilty of child abuse. 29 00:02:20,265 --> 00:02:21,356 -Did she say that? 30 00:02:22,351 --> 00:02:24,186 -I mean, there wasn't very far after that 31 00:02:24,186 --> 00:02:25,896 the prosecutor could go. 32 00:02:29,524 --> 00:02:33,487 [traffic passes nearby] 33 00:02:35,072 --> 00:02:37,574 RADIO: Red Wings beat the Ottawa Senators 3 to 2 last night. 34 00:02:37,574 --> 00:02:40,869 98.5 UPS. The morning hustle. Good morning. 35 00:02:40,869 --> 00:02:44,748 ♪ She's the kinda lady Gonna love you twice 36 00:02:45,832 --> 00:02:49,086 ♪ Ain't gonna take no preachers advice 37 00:02:50,253 --> 00:02:53,840 ♪ She's coming on me like a hurricane. 38 00:02:54,341 --> 00:03:00,680 ♪ I got to see the movie 'cause her body's insane 39 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:03,683 ♪ I'm gonna save your soul sister 40 00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:07,771 ♪ I'm gonna save your soul 41 00:03:09,564 --> 00:03:12,275 ♪ I'm gonna save your soul sister 42 00:03:14,169 --> 00:03:16,838 ♪ I'm gonna save your soul.... ♪ 43 00:03:16,863 --> 00:03:22,035 [distorted ambient music fills the space] 44 00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:29,876 ADULT: Maybe I just heard about like 45 00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:31,711 the teenage years or something. 46 00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:35,048 [radio static] 47 00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:38,885 CHILD: To remember something means to dismember memory. 48 00:03:39,886 --> 00:03:44,975 [pulses echo, static whirs, morphing into ambient music] 49 00:03:47,978 --> 00:03:51,064 [car tires scraping over the snow] 50 00:03:57,654 --> 00:03:59,739 MADSEN: The town I grew up in is 10 miles south 51 00:03:59,739 --> 00:04:01,741 of the 45th parallel. 52 00:04:02,909 --> 00:04:06,413 That's the halfway point between the Equator and North Pole. 53 00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:14,754 [gentle ambient music mixes with machinery humming] 54 00:04:14,754 --> 00:04:16,615 It's an old sawmill town, 55 00:04:18,257 --> 00:04:20,315 surrounded by lakes, 56 00:04:20,927 --> 00:04:23,013 split by rivers and highways. 57 00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:28,852 [freezing rain crackles against the snow] 58 00:04:37,944 --> 00:04:41,281 CHILD: It's said that when you enter this town, 59 00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:43,698 you enter the River Time Zone, 60 00:04:45,284 --> 00:04:47,662 where time has no meaning. 61 00:04:48,872 --> 00:04:50,865 [water rushes] 62 00:05:07,474 --> 00:05:11,811 [child wailing, many conversations at once] 63 00:05:19,251 --> 00:05:20,670 [mixer whirs as conversations continues] 64 00:05:20,695 --> 00:05:22,256 -Gramma? -What. 65 00:05:22,281 --> 00:05:23,585 You cream them together. 66 00:05:26,826 --> 00:05:28,745 -I guess it went well. He's not in jail. 67 00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:31,915 So... 68 00:05:31,915 --> 00:05:35,043 I haven't asked anybody, though, how it went. 69 00:05:35,043 --> 00:05:37,087 But I guess it went okay. 70 00:05:37,212 --> 00:05:39,964 But we were really expecting the worst because, you know. 71 00:05:40,924 --> 00:05:45,011 [many conversations continue, a baby cries] 72 00:05:52,603 --> 00:05:54,563 -Uncle Dave, you wanna say it? -Sure. 73 00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:58,858 Eternal Father in Heaven, we gather together as family 74 00:05:58,858 --> 00:06:00,710 to celebrate this Christmas time of the year. 75 00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:04,531 Remember those members of our family that are not with us, 76 00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:07,867 long since departed, and are grateful for their direction 77 00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:09,786 and guidance through our lives. 78 00:06:09,786 --> 00:06:13,039 Pay particular attention to them at this time. 79 00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:17,210 We also celebrate the life of our savior and brother, 80 00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:19,462 Jesus Christ, this time of the year. 81 00:06:20,547 --> 00:06:24,551 [conversations continue] 82 00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:30,307 MADSEN: In the Mormon tradition, your blood family 83 00:06:30,307 --> 00:06:32,808 is an eternal bond: 84 00:06:32,808 --> 00:06:35,437 a unit that exists beyond the mortal world. 85 00:06:37,767 --> 00:06:40,317 And parents have no greater responsibility 86 00:06:40,317 --> 00:06:41,712 than to raise children. 87 00:06:42,902 --> 00:06:46,489 [cooking show plays on TV] 88 00:06:48,992 --> 00:06:51,620 DAD: Dang. I got way too many grand-kids in here. 89 00:06:54,247 --> 00:06:55,624 Wanna see a picture of them? 90 00:06:56,291 --> 00:06:57,668 MADSEN: How come you guys don't keep any 91 00:06:57,693 --> 00:06:59,194 more recent pictures of me around the house? 92 00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:02,088 -In here? -No, around the house. 93 00:07:02,088 --> 00:07:03,590 -I don't know. Ask your mom. 94 00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:05,800 We've got one of Anthony, Freddy, and Anna. 95 00:07:11,473 --> 00:07:13,427 Can you see her stubby little toes on that screen? 96 00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:14,485 MADSEN: [laughing] 97 00:07:14,510 --> 00:07:16,679 DAD: Sticking up above that thing. Get your feet down. 98 00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:20,429 -I'll put 'em down. She's not filming yet, is she? 99 00:07:21,184 --> 00:07:22,204 He. 100 00:07:22,296 --> 00:07:23,923 DAD: [on video] Making a snowman for Angie. 101 00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:25,488 Oh. Falling apart. 102 00:07:26,321 --> 00:07:27,386 Hey, Angela! 103 00:07:27,822 --> 00:07:31,951 [subtle electronica plays] 104 00:07:37,123 --> 00:07:40,502 CHILD: When you leave a place, the place 105 00:07:40,502 --> 00:07:42,545 goes on living without you. 106 00:07:43,630 --> 00:07:47,300 This is painfully obvious, yet humans manage to 107 00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:49,678 forget it over and over. 108 00:08:03,541 --> 00:08:04,542 -How are you gonna tell? 109 00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:05,819 How's he gonna know when to close? 110 00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:06,986 -He'll wrap it up. 111 00:08:06,986 --> 00:08:09,166 He doesn't need to keep going on and on. 112 00:08:09,531 --> 00:08:10,824 -Okay. 113 00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:12,701 Let's get this over with, guys. No mess ups. 114 00:08:12,701 --> 00:08:13,871 -OK. 115 00:08:16,096 --> 00:08:17,514 MOM: So, when you're ready for us to start, 116 00:08:17,539 --> 00:08:19,832 just say, "Action" so I know to start. 117 00:08:22,335 --> 00:08:26,715 [quiet conversations nearby] 118 00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:30,677 -Action. 119 00:08:38,893 --> 00:08:41,113 -Are you having breakfast, or are you having lunch? 120 00:08:41,138 --> 00:08:42,472 -I'm having breakfast. 121 00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:43,914 -What are you doing, Jess? 122 00:08:45,024 --> 00:08:47,232 -Probably lunch. -Lunch? 123 00:08:47,944 --> 00:08:49,863 You've never been much of a breakfast eater. 124 00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:58,538 ["Last Kiss" plays] 125 00:09:00,039 --> 00:09:04,045 ♪ Well, where, oh where can my baby be? 126 00:09:04,085 --> 00:09:07,547 ♪ The Lord took her away from me 127 00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:10,759 ♪ She's gone to heaven, so I got to be good, 128 00:09:10,759 --> 00:09:14,929 ♪ so I can see my baby when I leave this world.... ♪ 129 00:09:14,929 --> 00:09:18,725 -What are you having, Jesse? -Probably a sandwich. 130 00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:21,561 -All right. Hamburger? 131 00:09:22,312 --> 00:09:24,073 -How much longer is this gonna be? 132 00:09:25,058 --> 00:09:27,727 ♪ There in the road, straight ahead.... ♪ 133 00:09:27,860 --> 00:09:28,944 -Did you get what you needed? 134 00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:32,113 ♪ The car was stalled The engine was dead 135 00:09:32,113 --> 00:09:35,909 ♪ I couldn't stop, so I swerved to the right 136 00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:38,912 ♪ Never forget the sound that night.... ♪ 137 00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:46,753 MADSEN: This event has happened three times now. 138 00:09:48,004 --> 00:09:51,090 Once when you just watched it, once when I staged 139 00:09:51,090 --> 00:09:55,178 and filmed it, and then the first time, when four days 140 00:09:55,178 --> 00:09:57,931 after Kalla's funeral, we walked into this diner 141 00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:59,363 and sat down for lunch. 142 00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:06,003 It was my sister's first time out of the house in two weeks. 143 00:10:06,171 --> 00:10:08,253 What’s happening Grandma? 144 00:10:09,257 --> 00:10:11,148 There’s Uncle Madsen. 145 00:10:12,063 --> 00:10:13,819 He’s definitely Uncle Madsen. 146 00:10:13,943 --> 00:10:16,195 ["Last Kiss" plays in video] 147 00:10:16,282 --> 00:10:19,498 MADSEN: From the silence, this song came on the jukebox. 148 00:10:19,523 --> 00:10:21,262 ♪ Where oh where can my baby be.... 149 00:10:21,287 --> 00:10:23,444 -Was that the music that was playing in there that day? 150 00:10:24,917 --> 00:10:26,170 That was pretty ironic. 151 00:10:26,210 --> 00:10:27,828 [kid speaking indistinctly] 152 00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:30,839 MADSEN: No one seemed to notice it but me. 153 00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:33,300 -Makes me wanna cry. -I know. 154 00:10:33,341 --> 00:10:34,904 -I can't believe that was on there. 155 00:10:35,802 --> 00:10:37,053 JESS: [in video] Probably a sandwich. 156 00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:40,557 [baby cries in the living room] 157 00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:42,308 [on video] How much longer is this gonna be? 158 00:10:45,144 --> 00:10:47,063 MADSEN: I've periodically considered the possibility 159 00:10:47,063 --> 00:10:48,417 that I dreamt this. 160 00:10:50,358 --> 00:10:52,527 But I'm so certain it happened. 161 00:10:54,279 --> 00:10:57,950 My mother's crying because the song is about a lost baby. 162 00:11:15,472 --> 00:11:16,512 [door closes] 163 00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:25,435 DAD: Yep. Pretty good over there. 164 00:11:25,435 --> 00:11:27,186 [rhythmic tapping] 165 00:11:27,186 --> 00:11:29,272 [whispers as he counts] 166 00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:33,715 33 loads of lumber this week. 167 00:11:34,636 --> 00:11:37,572 33 semi-loads of hardwood lumber shipped out. 168 00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:42,952 Here, I'll show you something else. 169 00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:48,040 Mom, you. I think that's you. 170 00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:49,108 MADSEN: That's me. 171 00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:51,297 -Jesse and Kalla. 172 00:11:52,086 --> 00:11:53,354 Our little Kalla when she was a little, 173 00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:54,631 sweet little baby. 174 00:11:54,631 --> 00:11:56,716 And Kalla shortly before she died. 175 00:11:59,218 --> 00:12:03,598 [wind roars, distorted ambient music plays] 176 00:12:15,944 --> 00:12:18,404 MADSEN: I wanna pause a moment to clarify 177 00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:20,239 that this is not an image of Kalla. 178 00:12:21,390 --> 00:12:22,742 For some reason, I just feel like 179 00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:24,744 I can't share those right now. 180 00:12:26,663 --> 00:12:32,085 Albeit hazy, it is absolutely an image of my sister, Jesse. 181 00:12:32,428 --> 00:12:34,108 [warm, slow music plays] 182 00:12:51,813 --> 00:12:54,941 MOM: You know, when we went over to Cadillac that morning, 183 00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:56,359 we were driving over, it was a morning 184 00:12:56,359 --> 00:12:58,528 just like this in February. 185 00:12:58,528 --> 00:12:59,932 It was all gray. 186 00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:03,866 Seems like a little bit of sun was peeking out. 187 00:13:03,866 --> 00:13:05,785 It was snow-covered. 188 00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:17,046 Jesse called me, crying, and said, 189 00:13:17,046 --> 00:13:19,882 "Mom, I'm in the back of the police car, 190 00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:22,385 and the ambulance is in front of me. 191 00:13:22,385 --> 00:13:25,972 And we're on our way to the hospital with Kalla. 192 00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:29,058 I found her in her crib this morning not breathing." 193 00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:33,855 [tender music, wind blowing] 194 00:13:35,857 --> 00:13:41,404 And then the numbness set in and the funeral. 195 00:13:43,782 --> 00:13:46,701 And Jesse was just kinda out of it. 196 00:13:48,327 --> 00:13:51,873 Oh. And then the investigation of how she died set in, 197 00:13:51,873 --> 00:13:54,876 and then our second nightmare 198 00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:56,919 on top of our first nightmare began. 199 00:14:00,882 --> 00:14:05,261 [clanking of a flag against a flag pole in the wind] 200 00:14:08,264 --> 00:14:10,224 You know, at first at the hospital when we asked what 201 00:14:10,224 --> 00:14:12,602 happened, they had no reason to believe there was anything 202 00:14:12,602 --> 00:14:14,024 but a tragic accident. 203 00:14:15,396 --> 00:14:19,595 So, we were kinda shocked when we saw that changing. 204 00:14:20,234 --> 00:14:23,529 And he, Golnick came to our house 205 00:14:23,529 --> 00:14:25,531 and started questioning us. 206 00:14:26,074 --> 00:14:29,786 [droning music] 207 00:14:32,538 --> 00:14:34,707 -They came constantly, night and day. 208 00:14:35,374 --> 00:14:36,584 They would try to come at night. 209 00:14:36,584 --> 00:14:38,211 They'd try to get you to be a little sleepy, 210 00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:40,296 or they'd hope that you have a little drink in you 211 00:14:40,296 --> 00:14:42,294 or something like that, you know. 212 00:14:43,257 --> 00:14:45,093 And they'd come 9, 10, 11:00. 213 00:14:45,093 --> 00:14:46,719 Then they'd come back at 8 in the morning, 214 00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:48,721 9 in the morning. 215 00:14:50,807 --> 00:14:53,267 Doctors and police and stuff, they're swearing to it, 216 00:14:53,267 --> 00:14:54,602 that you committed this murder. 217 00:14:54,602 --> 00:14:56,602 And you're like, "Who am I? 218 00:14:56,813 --> 00:14:59,373 I'm some ex-convict with a violent past, 219 00:14:59,398 --> 00:15:02,568 and they're gonna believe me over five doctors?" 220 00:15:02,777 --> 00:15:05,296 Here you can have this one. You can have it. 221 00:15:05,321 --> 00:15:06,781 -That's too much JoJo. 222 00:15:06,781 --> 00:15:10,243 [voices on TV] 223 00:15:10,786 --> 00:15:11,887 NEWSCASTER: ...build the electoral 224 00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,805 college to safeguard the American people 225 00:15:13,830 --> 00:15:15,623 from the dangers of the demagogue.... 226 00:15:15,623 --> 00:15:17,625 MADSEN: Two weeks after Kalla's death, 227 00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:19,053 my sister married David. 228 00:15:20,594 --> 00:15:22,763 The first time I met him was at the funeral. 229 00:15:23,695 --> 00:15:26,365 They'd been living together less than a week when she died. 230 00:15:31,430 --> 00:15:35,284 MOM: Because Jesse was believing in David and not leaving him, 231 00:15:35,309 --> 00:15:37,787 then they began to suspect perhaps 232 00:15:37,812 --> 00:15:39,499 Jesse had something to do with it. 233 00:15:40,106 --> 00:15:46,457 And CPS got involved, Child Protective Services, and... 234 00:15:47,616 --> 00:15:50,702 they charged her and David with child abuse. 235 00:15:52,661 --> 00:15:54,071 DAD: [in old video] Hello, Jesse! 236 00:15:56,455 --> 00:16:00,042 [distorted music, TV static] 237 00:16:00,042 --> 00:16:02,670 CHILD: What do you say when you console a child 238 00:16:02,670 --> 00:16:03,851 from a nightmare? 239 00:16:05,464 --> 00:16:07,800 You tell them that it will be okay, 240 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:09,802 that nothing will hurt them. 241 00:16:10,469 --> 00:16:14,282 As if they have some kind of special immunity from suffering. 242 00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:15,446 DAD: No, no, no. 243 00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:17,310 Daddy told you not to give the puppy that. 244 00:16:17,436 --> 00:16:19,768 CHILD: When they discover that they are not immune, 245 00:16:20,479 --> 00:16:23,817 they will hold this lie against you for the rest of your life. 246 00:16:23,859 --> 00:16:27,237 [baby crying] 247 00:16:28,462 --> 00:16:29,797 -Baby. 248 00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:32,742 [sobbing continues] 249 00:16:35,369 --> 00:16:39,498 JESSE: Shh, you're okay. Yeah, you're okay. 250 00:16:42,418 --> 00:16:43,753 MADSEN: What else? 251 00:16:43,878 --> 00:16:46,296 -You wanna hear about our other kid we lost? 252 00:16:49,467 --> 00:16:53,722 -Well, we've lost two: a grandchild and a daughter. 253 00:16:53,764 --> 00:16:55,257 -We had a little girl named Angela. 254 00:16:56,057 --> 00:16:57,488 She was quite the character. 255 00:16:58,537 --> 00:17:01,287 And we never talked about it before, 256 00:17:01,312 --> 00:17:04,066 but she was quite the little sweetheart. 257 00:17:04,483 --> 00:17:06,359 [child giggles] 258 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:10,051 MADSEN: So, you would equate my transition with Kalla's death. 259 00:17:10,238 --> 00:17:11,406 DAD: Well, you got all the memories 260 00:17:11,446 --> 00:17:13,031 of a little girl growing up. 261 00:17:13,031 --> 00:17:14,742 MOM: I think it would be the same thing if you had 262 00:17:14,742 --> 00:17:18,537 a child and something happened to that child, 263 00:17:18,537 --> 00:17:21,382 and they no longer were the same person. 264 00:17:21,958 --> 00:17:25,544 You would grieve, you know, who they were for the years 265 00:17:25,544 --> 00:17:26,963 that they were someone different. 266 00:17:26,963 --> 00:17:28,595 DAD: [in video] You wanna go to the beach or not? 267 00:17:28,620 --> 00:17:31,638 MOM: And once I realized I had to grieve that as a loss, 268 00:17:32,218 --> 00:17:36,973 then it helped with my acceptance a lot better, 269 00:17:36,973 --> 00:17:40,977 in regards to your decision to transition. 270 00:17:42,603 --> 00:17:47,233 [wind howls] 271 00:17:48,277 --> 00:17:51,781 [TV static roars] 272 00:17:57,910 --> 00:18:00,955 [door creaks open] 273 00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:06,919 [fast footsteps crunch on the packed snow] 274 00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:18,514 MADSEN: Earlier today, my parents told me I was dead, 275 00:18:18,514 --> 00:18:20,766 and they had to grieve me. 276 00:18:22,476 --> 00:18:26,856 If I hadn't been so completely caught off guard 277 00:18:26,856 --> 00:18:30,776 by this comment, I maybe could have responded. 278 00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:38,701 But I was shocked because... 279 00:18:38,701 --> 00:18:42,204 I've just worked so hard to be alive. 280 00:18:44,206 --> 00:18:48,599 [breathing heavily after running] 281 00:18:48,627 --> 00:18:50,296 [whispers] Fuck. 282 00:18:53,759 --> 00:18:55,261 Ugh. 283 00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,715 It's really beautiful out right now. 284 00:19:00,098 --> 00:19:02,142 I don't know if you can see. 285 00:19:02,351 --> 00:19:04,019 Might be too dark. 286 00:19:06,730 --> 00:19:10,739 [wind blows, breath softens] 287 00:19:15,821 --> 00:19:19,533 [swelling music] 288 00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:22,912 CHILD: Zeus's daughter, Aphrodite, 289 00:19:22,912 --> 00:19:26,665 could transform herself into a fish to swim from harm. 290 00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:31,754 But long gone are the tales of shape-shifting, 291 00:19:31,754 --> 00:19:33,756 sex-changing gods. 292 00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:41,559 In this world, there's no escape from pain, nor body, 293 00:19:41,597 --> 00:19:43,849 time, nor death. 294 00:19:45,559 --> 00:19:50,856 [distorted music plays] 295 00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:04,036 [music suddenly gives way to gentle wind chimes tinkling] 296 00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:06,877 MOM: The death certificate was issued. 297 00:20:07,289 --> 00:20:12,211 And on the death certificate was "Homicide and child abuse 298 00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:14,825 that occurred monthly, weekly, daily." 299 00:20:15,714 --> 00:20:17,179 And that probably was— 300 00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:18,359 -It said that on the certificate? 301 00:20:18,384 --> 00:20:19,386 -Uh-huh. -It said, "Monthly, 302 00:20:19,420 --> 00:20:20,436 weekly, daily?" 303 00:20:20,461 --> 00:20:23,182 -Uh-huh. And that was probably the point 304 00:20:23,305 --> 00:20:27,226 when we knew something was wrong because we had Kalla. 305 00:20:27,393 --> 00:20:30,396 We had Kalla three days prior to her death, 306 00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:33,399 and we knew there was no beating or bruising 307 00:20:33,399 --> 00:20:35,129 monthly, weekly, and daily. 308 00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:37,570 'Cause we would've had to be involved in that. 309 00:20:38,154 --> 00:20:40,072 Rusty Rivets. 310 00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:46,412 [machinery clanks, radio plays] 311 00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:50,249 DAD: Pathologists stated that Kalla died of acute brain bleed, 312 00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:51,663 she was slammed against a wall, 313 00:20:52,329 --> 00:20:55,087 and that she had bruises all over her body and was beaten 314 00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:57,298 and abused for quite a while. 315 00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:06,348 DAD: Golnick's been down there before on cases, 316 00:21:06,348 --> 00:21:08,434 and they've known each other and go, 317 00:21:08,434 --> 00:21:10,436 I'll tell you exactly what he said to me and what I believe 318 00:21:10,436 --> 00:21:13,105 he probably said to her: "This guy's a scumbag 319 00:21:13,105 --> 00:21:16,722 and he's been in jail before, and he killed this baby. 320 00:21:17,801 --> 00:21:19,195 And we're gonna get him," you know. 321 00:21:19,195 --> 00:21:21,557 And then she just kinda let the report slide the way, 322 00:21:21,573 --> 00:21:23,575 lean toward the way he wanted it to go. 323 00:21:24,912 --> 00:21:26,914 -All right. [heavy sigh] 324 00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:30,831 You can edit stuff out, right? 325 00:21:30,831 --> 00:21:32,333 MADSEN: Yeah. 326 00:21:34,502 --> 00:21:37,046 -So, I was kept in complete isolation, 327 00:21:37,046 --> 00:21:39,673 maximum security, one hour a day out of my cell. 328 00:21:42,092 --> 00:21:44,778 And just constant, people yelling, 329 00:21:44,803 --> 00:21:47,806 "Baby killer! Baby Killer," everywhere I went. 330 00:21:51,018 --> 00:21:54,313 To stay sane in jail, I just prayed a lot, 331 00:21:54,338 --> 00:21:57,424 and I wrote Jesse letters like nonstop. 332 00:21:58,025 --> 00:21:59,362 JESSE: Oh, an apple! 333 00:22:01,780 --> 00:22:02,781 Huh? 334 00:22:02,806 --> 00:22:05,184 JOJO: Uh-oh! JESSE: Where'd it go? 335 00:22:06,568 --> 00:22:08,863 MADSEN: If Jesse doesn't get to a point where she ever wants to 336 00:22:08,911 --> 00:22:12,658 talk to me, I'm not gonna like, try to make— 337 00:22:13,082 --> 00:22:16,253 DAVID: I think she'll talk to you, I just don't think that— 338 00:22:16,350 --> 00:22:19,855 She's been forced to relive the events of that weekend 339 00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:22,996 so many times that it just sets her back mentally. 340 00:22:23,509 --> 00:22:24,843 And that's just not how she copes. 341 00:22:24,843 --> 00:22:26,512 That's not her coping mechanism. 342 00:22:30,142 --> 00:22:34,938 -Mom, I can't hear it! I can't hear it! 343 00:22:36,063 --> 00:22:38,899 Mommy, I can't hear it!! 344 00:22:38,899 --> 00:22:40,192 JESSE: There. 345 00:22:49,201 --> 00:22:52,621 [toddler mumbles] 346 00:22:56,417 --> 00:22:58,654 MADSEN: When David was released for the last time, 347 00:22:58,670 --> 00:23:00,214 Levi was 11 months old. 348 00:23:03,091 --> 00:23:04,291 You go to jail! 349 00:23:05,134 --> 00:23:06,635 MADSEN: You go to jail! You're the bad guy! 350 00:23:06,929 --> 00:23:09,600 No, I'm not the bad guy, I'm Batman! 351 00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:10,866 MADSEN: All right. 352 00:23:11,519 --> 00:23:12,854 I'm in jail now. 353 00:23:13,666 --> 00:23:15,084 Can I come out of jail? 354 00:23:15,102 --> 00:23:16,508 -No. -Why? 355 00:23:16,772 --> 00:23:18,252 Because you can't! 356 00:23:18,272 --> 00:23:19,648 [door rattles] 357 00:23:19,900 --> 00:23:20,985 -Levi. 358 00:23:25,946 --> 00:23:27,406 [screams with delight] 359 00:23:27,633 --> 00:23:28,673 [door closes] 360 00:23:29,742 --> 00:23:33,662 [wind blows] 361 00:23:49,178 --> 00:23:53,140 [traffic passing] 362 00:23:55,434 --> 00:23:57,478 MOM: Are you gonna try to use this stuff 363 00:23:57,478 --> 00:23:59,438 and kinda make a film of it? 364 00:24:00,439 --> 00:24:02,858 You haven't decided yet how you're putting it together? 365 00:24:04,610 --> 00:24:06,362 MADSEN: Well, I'm trying to weave these different 366 00:24:06,362 --> 00:24:07,976 strands of stories. 367 00:24:08,847 --> 00:24:11,825 -I hope for the sake of Kalla that you can present it 368 00:24:11,825 --> 00:24:15,621 in a way that's not... 369 00:24:15,621 --> 00:24:16,750 vile. 370 00:24:17,523 --> 00:24:19,541 "Vile" may not be a good word, but well, 371 00:24:19,541 --> 00:24:22,584 sometimes your work can be very.... 372 00:24:23,629 --> 00:24:25,964 I don't know what the word for it is, 373 00:24:25,964 --> 00:24:27,966 but sometimes your work can be kinda out there. 374 00:24:28,801 --> 00:24:34,139 [distorted electronic music] 375 00:24:38,060 --> 00:24:41,689 [Dad and JoJo talk in the next room] 376 00:24:44,066 --> 00:24:46,819 MADSEN: The vileness my mom's referring to is 377 00:24:46,819 --> 00:24:49,321 my reverence around sexuality. 378 00:24:51,323 --> 00:24:55,828 To me, sex is a cosmic thing, inherently linked to death 379 00:24:55,828 --> 00:24:58,372 because both are conduits to other worlds. 380 00:25:00,833 --> 00:25:03,669 Both are about endings but also beginnings. 381 00:25:03,669 --> 00:25:05,671 DAD: Pick up the pears for me, Levi. 382 00:25:05,671 --> 00:25:07,005 MADSEN: You don't get to the pregnancy 383 00:25:07,005 --> 00:25:09,842 and giving of life part without the sex part. 384 00:25:09,842 --> 00:25:12,177 MOM: What do you got? Carrots? 385 00:25:12,177 --> 00:25:13,336 -Uh-uh. 386 00:25:13,597 --> 00:25:16,392 MADSEN: No one knows that more intimately than mothers. 387 00:25:19,226 --> 00:25:22,354 CHILD: Your mother is the first awesome miracle 388 00:25:22,354 --> 00:25:25,190 that will haunt you your whole life. 389 00:25:26,108 --> 00:25:31,196 [music with ethereal voices] 390 00:25:31,740 --> 00:25:35,410 [Country music] 391 00:25:35,577 --> 00:25:40,110 ♪ When Heaven made you, darling, 392 00:25:40,165 --> 00:25:43,825 ♪ They made a dream come true 393 00:25:44,711 --> 00:25:49,202 ♪ And I'll always thank Heaven 394 00:25:49,226 --> 00:25:52,886 ♪ for sending me you 395 00:25:54,219 --> 00:26:02,144 ♪ An angel, sweet and perfect, in everything you do 396 00:26:03,036 --> 00:26:05,372 ♪ And my darling— ♪ 397 00:26:05,397 --> 00:26:07,733 RADIO: Only getting into the mid-20s today, 398 00:26:07,733 --> 00:26:10,569 a little colder, northwest winds gusting to 25. 399 00:26:10,569 --> 00:26:12,446 Snow showers will diminish after dark. 400 00:26:12,446 --> 00:26:14,740 In fact, after dark, pretty quiet tonight. 401 00:26:14,740 --> 00:26:17,242 Late tonight, a little snow, mainly north 402 00:26:17,242 --> 00:26:20,329 as our next system arrives. Winds turning out of the south. 403 00:26:20,329 --> 00:26:21,497 Temperatures staying around 20. 404 00:26:21,497 --> 00:26:23,123 And then tomorrow, occasional snow showers, 405 00:26:23,123 --> 00:26:24,124 highs in the mid— 406 00:26:26,168 --> 00:26:30,005 MADSEN: There's us. We're in bed. 407 00:26:31,173 --> 00:26:33,175 Say, "Good morning, America." 408 00:26:35,511 --> 00:26:37,471 Can you say, "Good morning, America?" 409 00:26:37,471 --> 00:26:41,350 JOJO: Morning, good morning, America. 410 00:26:41,350 --> 00:26:42,434 MADSEN: Good. 411 00:26:44,102 --> 00:26:45,771 JESSE: Up at 7:30. 412 00:26:45,771 --> 00:26:48,273 All three diapers changed as soon as I wake up. 413 00:26:49,441 --> 00:26:52,444 Then breakfast at 8:00 for all three including, 414 00:26:52,444 --> 00:26:55,447 for the three babies and the bigger kids. 415 00:26:55,447 --> 00:26:58,450 Then, when breakfast is done, clean up breakfast, 416 00:26:58,450 --> 00:27:01,161 cartoon time, and then it's gonna be snack time. 417 00:27:01,161 --> 00:27:03,163 And after snack time is all done, 418 00:27:03,163 --> 00:27:04,456 then it's gonna be nap time. 419 00:27:04,456 --> 00:27:06,871 And 12:00-3:00 is what I call "quiet time." 420 00:27:07,459 --> 00:27:08,794 After that, then it's just chaos, 421 00:27:08,794 --> 00:27:10,462 but my day's almost over. 422 00:27:17,302 --> 00:27:19,304 [banging on glass] 423 00:27:20,639 --> 00:27:22,474 MADSEN: Two months after Kalla's death, 424 00:27:22,474 --> 00:27:25,143 my sister was pregnant with Levi. 425 00:27:27,980 --> 00:27:30,566 This cycle repeats itself three times. 426 00:27:31,900 --> 00:27:35,821 One, two, three. 427 00:27:37,155 --> 00:27:39,408 Three children for three years gone. 428 00:27:40,409 --> 00:27:47,541 [family sings "Happy Birthday" to Levi] 429 00:27:50,002 --> 00:27:54,214 MADSEN: Do you think that Jesse's repetitive breeding 430 00:27:54,214 --> 00:27:55,875 is a way to fill that hole? 431 00:27:56,675 --> 00:28:01,388 MOM: Yeah. I think that she really, 432 00:28:01,388 --> 00:28:02,848 what's the word I'm thinking about, 433 00:28:02,848 --> 00:28:06,268 yearns to hold that baby in her arms. 434 00:28:06,268 --> 00:28:09,521 And once those babies start to get bigger, 435 00:28:09,521 --> 00:28:12,941 they don't give her that same feeling. 436 00:28:16,378 --> 00:28:19,172 [church choir singing] 437 00:28:19,197 --> 00:28:21,533 MADSEN: I have another question for my mom, 438 00:28:21,533 --> 00:28:24,142 but I can't quite figure out how to ask it. 439 00:28:25,787 --> 00:28:28,624 So, I ask around it. 440 00:28:28,624 --> 00:28:35,047 ♪ But for me, a sinner, He suffered, 441 00:28:35,047 --> 00:28:38,634 ♪ He bled, and died ♪ 442 00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:42,055 MOM: It was only shortly after Kalla had passed away, 443 00:28:42,085 --> 00:28:43,305 and there were some new missionaries 444 00:28:43,305 --> 00:28:44,598 that came out from Idaho. 445 00:28:44,598 --> 00:28:48,560 And we were telling them our story, and one day 446 00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:50,938 they said, "You know, we have a church member 447 00:28:50,938 --> 00:28:52,966 that is a pathologist. 448 00:28:53,876 --> 00:28:56,568 He might be able to give you a second opinion of the autopsy." 449 00:28:57,778 --> 00:29:00,257 DAD: We met with Dr. Ormsbee after church on Sunday, 450 00:29:00,906 --> 00:29:02,491 and he took the autopsy report. 451 00:29:02,491 --> 00:29:08,080 And it was old blood that was on the slides. 452 00:29:08,080 --> 00:29:09,748 He said, "That baby was not abused. 453 00:29:09,748 --> 00:29:12,365 That baby died of a chronic brain bleed." 454 00:29:13,527 --> 00:29:15,420 And a chronic brain bleed is one that's been going 455 00:29:15,420 --> 00:29:18,256 for probably weeks or months. 456 00:29:24,596 --> 00:29:28,475 [distorted music] 457 00:29:29,518 --> 00:29:32,688 MADSEN: My mom believes the doctor was a messenger, 458 00:29:32,688 --> 00:29:35,315 a testament to the truth of the Mormon faith. 459 00:29:39,111 --> 00:29:41,613 CHILD: She also believes that there are many gods 460 00:29:41,613 --> 00:29:43,949 and goddesses in the cosmos. 461 00:29:44,866 --> 00:29:48,662 That in the celestial kingdom, 1,000 years is equivalent 462 00:29:48,662 --> 00:29:50,301 to a single day. 463 00:29:51,373 --> 00:29:54,543 And that after death, the physical body 464 00:29:54,543 --> 00:29:57,796 will be reunited with the spirit body. 465 00:29:58,714 --> 00:30:02,384 [water trickles] 466 00:30:03,470 --> 00:30:06,198 And while she's been telling those 467 00:30:06,223 --> 00:30:09,717 of us around her that she loves us. 468 00:30:10,517 --> 00:30:12,521 Today she's telling heavenly father 469 00:30:12,553 --> 00:30:14,314 how much she loves him. 470 00:30:14,980 --> 00:30:16,815 MADSEN: You're watching a video from my baptism 471 00:30:16,815 --> 00:30:18,817 when I was eight years old. 472 00:30:19,736 --> 00:30:21,905 I wouldn't trouble you with this memory, 473 00:30:21,947 --> 00:30:24,616 but I have to tell you that when I came out of the water 474 00:30:24,656 --> 00:30:27,325 that day, everything felt different. 475 00:30:28,994 --> 00:30:31,872 Because when you have a revelation, you acknowledge 476 00:30:31,872 --> 00:30:35,375 a need, a desire for something outside 477 00:30:35,375 --> 00:30:36,976 and beyond yourself. 478 00:30:38,879 --> 00:30:41,673 DAD: [in old video] 1991, Angela just got baptized 479 00:30:41,673 --> 00:30:42,819 in Lake Margrethe. 480 00:30:43,216 --> 00:30:44,435 There's Angela! 481 00:30:44,676 --> 00:30:46,720 MADSEN: You start assessing the borders between 482 00:30:46,720 --> 00:30:48,336 belief and truth. 483 00:30:51,058 --> 00:30:53,518 What you know and what you trust. 484 00:31:03,862 --> 00:31:06,031 NEWSCASTER 1: An I-Team investigation uncovers 485 00:31:06,031 --> 00:31:09,242 the child abuse convictions of dozens of people in Michigan 486 00:31:09,451 --> 00:31:11,371 are now being called into question. 487 00:31:11,536 --> 00:31:13,540 NEWSCASTER 2: And the tragic death of a three-year-old girl 488 00:31:13,580 --> 00:31:16,543 here in West Michigan has opened up some new conversations 489 00:31:16,583 --> 00:31:18,852 about whether innocent people are sitting in prison 490 00:31:18,877 --> 00:31:20,962 for crimes they did not commit. 491 00:31:20,962 --> 00:31:24,091 Tonight, the I-Team's Brian Duffy shares his findings 492 00:31:24,091 --> 00:31:25,967 in a special report. 493 00:31:30,972 --> 00:31:32,891 NEWSCASTER 3: Research is casting doubt on.... 494 00:31:32,891 --> 00:31:37,104 MOM: They knew that if David and Jesse were found not guilty of 495 00:31:37,104 --> 00:31:40,774 child abuse, what would that do to their criminal case? 496 00:31:41,868 --> 00:31:45,779 So, they ultimately ended up dropping the criminal case. 497 00:31:48,240 --> 00:31:51,118 [gentle music] 498 00:31:51,118 --> 00:31:53,578 MADSEN: Does Jesse ever talk about anything that happened? 499 00:31:53,578 --> 00:31:55,956 DAD: No, Jesse don't talk about Kalla at all. 500 00:31:56,998 --> 00:32:01,461 [fire crackles as wind blows] 501 00:32:06,591 --> 00:32:11,263 [crunching steps in snow, crackling fire] 502 00:32:23,942 --> 00:32:27,279 MADSEN: At first, I wanted to make a film about injustice. 503 00:32:28,780 --> 00:32:30,178 And here we are. 504 00:32:32,286 --> 00:32:34,702 You know hardly anything about the investigation, 505 00:32:35,787 --> 00:32:39,791 and you know the tip of the iceberg about a random family 506 00:32:39,791 --> 00:32:41,626 in nowhere Michigan. 507 00:32:44,214 --> 00:32:46,633 MOM: Get some popsicles. The kids love popsicles. 508 00:32:47,966 --> 00:32:49,791 This is what they like, right here. 509 00:32:50,510 --> 00:32:53,513 MADSEN: I would, however, like to take this moment to tell you, 510 00:32:53,513 --> 00:32:55,473 that the lead detective on this case is now 511 00:32:55,473 --> 00:32:57,460 a dogcatcher somewhere in Florida, 512 00:32:58,523 --> 00:33:00,312 and the corrupt Child Protective Service worker 513 00:33:00,312 --> 00:33:02,814 got fired after leaving a bar drunk to pick up 514 00:33:02,814 --> 00:33:04,162 a four-year-old child. 515 00:33:08,904 --> 00:33:10,540 DAVID: It was all bits and pieces, really. 516 00:33:12,490 --> 00:33:15,493 Definitely not something I like to try to remember 517 00:33:15,493 --> 00:33:16,689 or talk about. 518 00:33:21,750 --> 00:33:23,919 DAD: Well, I'm gonna take my favorite duck home. 519 00:33:23,919 --> 00:33:25,170 MADSEN: What's your favorite duck? 520 00:33:25,170 --> 00:33:26,838 DAD: This one. MADSEN: Why? 521 00:33:27,005 --> 00:33:28,204 -Look at it. 522 00:33:29,007 --> 00:33:30,508 Look at the wood patterns on the wood, 523 00:33:30,533 --> 00:33:31,842 block of wood it was carved out of. 524 00:33:32,804 --> 00:33:34,807 You can see parts of the red in the eye. 525 00:33:36,431 --> 00:33:41,436 [machines whir and rush in the next room] 526 00:33:42,354 --> 00:33:47,025 [radio news plays as machines grind and clank] 527 00:33:52,948 --> 00:33:57,285 [distorted electronic music] 528 00:34:00,372 --> 00:34:02,707 CHILD: Memory must be created against 529 00:34:02,751 --> 00:34:04,753 an abundance of information. 530 00:34:07,963 --> 00:34:10,215 But also against an absence. 531 00:34:11,717 --> 00:34:13,719 It has to be constructed. 532 00:34:15,094 --> 00:34:19,766 You assemble the fractures, arrange the incidences 533 00:34:19,766 --> 00:34:21,768 to build a story. 534 00:34:26,398 --> 00:34:28,608 WEATHER REPORT: Notice the surge of Arctic air settling 535 00:34:28,608 --> 00:34:29,786 across the Central Plains. 536 00:34:29,812 --> 00:34:33,190 We'll see our temperatures actually tumble on Saturday.... 537 00:34:33,487 --> 00:34:38,159 [voice melts into a cacophony of sounds and ambient music] 538 00:34:39,494 --> 00:34:42,414 [music fades into quiet conversations in the shop] 539 00:34:43,290 --> 00:34:46,167 MADSEN: The moment something terrible ends is the moment 540 00:34:46,167 --> 00:34:49,170 you begin to ingest how terrible it really was. 541 00:34:54,467 --> 00:34:56,502 ON TV: Children dying. 542 00:34:57,162 --> 00:34:59,431 It's got to be emotionally draining. 543 00:34:59,431 --> 00:35:01,611 There is an ever-present sense of loss. 544 00:35:02,017 --> 00:35:06,079 She's constructed an emotional shield to protect 545 00:35:06,104 --> 00:35:08,108 her unconscious from turmoil. 546 00:35:21,202 --> 00:35:23,872 [slow steps on the stairs] 547 00:35:23,872 --> 00:35:26,041 [child talking] 548 00:35:30,130 --> 00:35:32,947 - Uncle Mad... - What the fuck? Jesse! 549 00:35:33,425 --> 00:35:35,166 Jesse! Dad, call 911. 550 00:35:35,427 --> 00:35:36,707 Jess, let me in! 551 00:35:37,408 --> 00:35:39,406 Jess, please let me in. - What's happening? 552 00:35:39,431 --> 00:35:41,044 - Jess, please let me in, honey. 553 00:35:41,885 --> 00:35:42,964 - What's happening? 554 00:35:43,049 --> 00:35:44,169 [door crashes] 555 00:35:44,276 --> 00:35:45,908 Hi, I need an ambulance immediately. 556 00:35:46,479 --> 00:35:48,125 - I want mama. 557 00:35:48,424 --> 00:35:50,619 - Hello, my sister's unconscious so we called 911. 558 00:35:50,734 --> 00:35:52,762 - What's happening with Momma? 559 00:35:54,146 --> 00:35:55,506 What's happening? 560 00:35:55,531 --> 00:35:56,651 Did Momma die? 561 00:35:59,074 --> 00:36:02,869 [Oldies play on car radio as ambulance siren wails] 562 00:36:08,208 --> 00:36:12,337 [engine rumbles] 563 00:36:37,112 --> 00:36:38,863 MOM: You know, I, she— 564 00:36:38,863 --> 00:36:41,032 You know, the depression is so deep that 565 00:36:41,032 --> 00:36:43,701 she doesn't even, she can't make good, 566 00:36:43,701 --> 00:36:46,120 safe decisions for those babies. 567 00:36:47,247 --> 00:36:48,920 Last six weeks... 568 00:36:50,458 --> 00:36:51,960 last six weeks she's been behaving 569 00:36:51,960 --> 00:36:54,212 like she used to behave when she was on drugs. 570 00:37:03,888 --> 00:37:07,892 [kids' show plays on TV] 571 00:37:11,980 --> 00:37:16,401 [conversation in the next room] 572 00:37:21,406 --> 00:37:26,494 MOM: What happened yesterday was really just a manifestation 573 00:37:26,494 --> 00:37:30,915 of what has been happening since Kalla died. 574 00:37:30,915 --> 00:37:33,585 You put it away, but it doesn't go away. 575 00:37:37,088 --> 00:37:40,508 You know, I think the fact that she wouldn't reach out to you 576 00:37:40,533 --> 00:37:43,352 when you were right there just goes to show you how she copes. 577 00:37:46,016 --> 00:37:47,043 She— 578 00:37:47,056 --> 00:37:50,076 MADSEN: She came in, and she did that laughing thing 579 00:37:50,101 --> 00:37:51,186 that she does. MOM: Mmhmm. 580 00:37:51,186 --> 00:37:57,317 MADSEN: And I... didn't, I didn't, 581 00:37:57,317 --> 00:38:02,947 you know, I don't know. I didn't think to.... 582 00:38:02,947 --> 00:38:04,783 -Well, you don't. -What to say or do. 583 00:38:04,783 --> 00:38:07,535 -Yeah. Or you don't think that she's in distress because she, 584 00:38:07,535 --> 00:38:10,121 that's how she laughs it off. 585 00:38:10,121 --> 00:38:12,123 -Yeah. -Yeah. 586 00:38:17,670 --> 00:38:22,133 I think the revisiting of this story with you, 587 00:38:22,133 --> 00:38:25,970 even to the simple little thing that probably didn't hit us 588 00:38:25,970 --> 00:38:28,147 so hard was going to Steven's. 589 00:38:28,473 --> 00:38:32,072 Because that was something we had done together. And— 590 00:38:32,101 --> 00:38:33,689 MADSEN: Did you remember that we had done that? 591 00:38:33,728 --> 00:38:35,480 MOM: Mmhmm. I remember that we had done that. 592 00:38:35,480 --> 00:38:38,066 I remember the surreal-ness of that. 593 00:38:38,066 --> 00:38:41,569 And I suspect even if she didn't really remember it consciously, 594 00:38:41,569 --> 00:38:44,489 that there was some of that circular grieving that was 595 00:38:44,489 --> 00:38:47,534 starting to surface in her. 596 00:38:52,080 --> 00:38:56,084 [haunting music] 597 00:38:58,665 --> 00:39:01,835 MADSEN: My sister is the most impenetrable person I know. 598 00:39:03,007 --> 00:39:05,927 I've been trying to understand her since her first overdose, 599 00:39:05,927 --> 00:39:07,338 over 10 years ago. 600 00:39:08,606 --> 00:39:10,775 But I wasn't always trying. 601 00:39:11,683 --> 00:39:13,669 [oldies playing on TV] 602 00:39:17,355 --> 00:39:21,359 MOM: Jesse, you know, looking back, 603 00:39:21,359 --> 00:39:24,112 she is so resilient and such a survivor. 604 00:39:24,112 --> 00:39:30,034 'Cause, you know, she always felt like she was not as smart 605 00:39:30,034 --> 00:39:32,704 or as talented as you. 606 00:39:35,039 --> 00:39:40,253 And then as we got older, you know, 607 00:39:40,253 --> 00:39:42,605 life became such a struggle for you, 608 00:39:42,630 --> 00:39:46,801 and some of your demands became so overwhelming for us. 609 00:39:46,801 --> 00:39:50,138 And then Jesse started having problems, 610 00:39:50,138 --> 00:39:53,725 but she didn't wanna tell us because she felt like 611 00:39:53,725 --> 00:39:55,643 we had our hands full with you. 612 00:39:58,271 --> 00:40:00,732 And then when she got pregnant for Kalla, 613 00:40:00,732 --> 00:40:03,901 she came and moved in with us 614 00:40:03,901 --> 00:40:08,070 and gave up all the drugs and focused her life on Kalla. 615 00:40:08,906 --> 00:40:11,492 So, Kalla was a blessing in that sense. 616 00:40:12,910 --> 00:40:16,998 [watery heartbeat on ultrasound] 617 00:40:17,999 --> 00:40:22,128 [ambient music] 618 00:40:26,090 --> 00:40:29,594 CHILD: Most humans emerge into the world with a name, 619 00:40:29,594 --> 00:40:31,638 a family, a neighborhood. 620 00:40:33,681 --> 00:40:37,352 Your insides are filled with memories of togetherness 621 00:40:37,352 --> 00:40:41,356 and alone-ness, mixed with limitless desires, 622 00:40:41,356 --> 00:40:45,985 sensations of unspeakable beauty, awe, mystery. 623 00:40:46,986 --> 00:40:49,030 [distorted recording of child's piano song] 624 00:40:49,030 --> 00:40:54,202 But children of a certain age believe that fate is moral. 625 00:40:54,202 --> 00:40:57,789 That bad things happen because you were bad. 626 00:41:05,171 --> 00:41:07,632 MOM: Well, you hung around with a pretty strong 627 00:41:07,632 --> 00:41:09,353 group of friends. 628 00:41:09,801 --> 00:41:13,554 And none of them became addicts, and you did. 629 00:41:13,554 --> 00:41:16,683 That makes you wonder why were you the one of all of those 630 00:41:16,683 --> 00:41:17,892 that became an addict? 631 00:41:17,892 --> 00:41:20,478 JESSE: Rich kids, who grew up in mansions 632 00:41:20,478 --> 00:41:21,729 would get addicted to drugs. 633 00:41:21,729 --> 00:41:23,948 Anybody can get addicted to drugs, Mom. 634 00:41:24,982 --> 00:41:26,150 What do you think, Madsen? 635 00:41:26,150 --> 00:41:28,653 [turn signal clicks] 636 00:41:28,653 --> 00:41:31,406 MADSEN: I sorta checked out over the last couple minutes. 637 00:41:31,406 --> 00:41:32,407 Sorry. What? 638 00:41:32,407 --> 00:41:34,141 JESSE: She was saying that it didn't make sense that— 639 00:41:34,166 --> 00:41:35,656 MADSEN: I just had a thought that I was like, 640 00:41:35,680 --> 00:41:37,136 "I need to check out from this conversation. 641 00:41:37,161 --> 00:41:38,498 It's too intense." MOM: Aw. 642 00:41:38,538 --> 00:41:39,917 JESSE: Everything is too intense for you! 643 00:41:39,956 --> 00:41:42,391 Can't you just, like, slow your brain down? 644 00:41:42,917 --> 00:41:44,669 Like, don't think so hard. 645 00:41:46,045 --> 00:41:50,007 [piercing ambient music] 646 00:41:54,987 --> 00:41:56,906 MADSEN: I screwed up at the end. I said the wrong part! 647 00:41:56,931 --> 00:41:58,057 TEACHER: Don't worry about it. 648 00:41:58,057 --> 00:41:59,392 FRIEND: It's okay. You ran out of tape. 649 00:41:59,392 --> 00:42:00,852 JESSE: You were an angry teenager. 650 00:42:00,852 --> 00:42:03,058 One time, do you know what you said to me? 651 00:42:03,688 --> 00:42:06,399 You said to me, "I'm gonna push you out that window 652 00:42:06,399 --> 00:42:09,861 and take pictures of your decapitated body." 653 00:42:10,862 --> 00:42:12,483 Yeah, you were a fruitcake. 654 00:42:13,030 --> 00:42:16,200 [Levi chatters] 655 00:42:17,201 --> 00:42:18,578 JESSE: You had problems growing up, 656 00:42:18,603 --> 00:42:21,063 probably because you were a man in a woman's body, 657 00:42:21,124 --> 00:42:22,960 and you were taking it out on me. 658 00:42:23,541 --> 00:42:24,876 DAD: Whoa, baby! 659 00:42:24,876 --> 00:42:26,586 Show us them muscles in your arms. 660 00:42:26,586 --> 00:42:27,795 JESSE: You were abusive. 661 00:42:27,795 --> 00:42:31,797 You were emotionally and physically abusive. 662 00:42:32,427 --> 00:42:34,929 And you're probably why I had a drug problem when I grew up. 663 00:42:39,307 --> 00:42:41,893 MADSEN: There's no other times you felt taken care of by me? 664 00:42:43,436 --> 00:42:46,814 [TV plays in the background] 665 00:42:48,566 --> 00:42:49,984 JESSE: Mm-mm. 666 00:42:49,984 --> 00:42:51,944 No, no other times I can remember. 667 00:42:57,074 --> 00:43:00,661 [wind rushes] 668 00:43:04,457 --> 00:43:06,059 MADSEN: Big feelings scare me. 669 00:43:07,118 --> 00:43:10,087 This is well documented by my trail of failed relationships 670 00:43:10,087 --> 00:43:13,174 with emotionally expressive people who feel that I have 671 00:43:13,174 --> 00:43:15,593 what may be called an empathy problem. 672 00:43:17,278 --> 00:43:19,597 I don't know if this is something I developed 673 00:43:19,597 --> 00:43:21,933 or just always had. 674 00:43:28,648 --> 00:43:30,274 Tell me. 675 00:43:31,275 --> 00:43:33,444 Is stoicism only for men? 676 00:43:39,951 --> 00:43:43,329 [Country music] 677 00:43:45,706 --> 00:43:48,876 ♪ When I was a little boy, taken from my mama, 678 00:43:48,876 --> 00:43:52,213 ♪ Down the dusty road, never seen again 679 00:43:52,213 --> 00:43:55,341 ♪ Gamble all my money, drink all my money, 680 00:43:55,341 --> 00:44:00,513 ♪ Give you all my money, just tell me what to do 681 00:44:11,732 --> 00:44:16,821 ♪ Oh, oh, I sing these blues.... ♪ 682 00:44:18,739 --> 00:44:22,660 [song continues in the bar] 683 00:44:28,499 --> 00:44:30,835 DAVID: Some things are so ingrained in you that 684 00:44:30,835 --> 00:44:32,837 it's hard to get rid of them. 685 00:44:40,678 --> 00:44:42,430 You're kind of a product of your environment, 686 00:44:42,430 --> 00:44:44,265 but you can only blame that to a certain extent. 687 00:44:44,265 --> 00:44:45,783 Once you're an adult, you have to start making 688 00:44:45,808 --> 00:44:47,855 your own decisions and choices, so. 689 00:44:48,269 --> 00:44:49,288 Get back. 690 00:44:51,439 --> 00:44:52,607 You can't go through life saying, 691 00:44:52,607 --> 00:44:54,525 "My daddy spanked me or was an alcoholic, 692 00:44:54,525 --> 00:44:56,903 so I'm gonna be a piece of crap the rest of my life." 693 00:44:56,903 --> 00:44:59,363 That's not really part of growing up 694 00:44:59,363 --> 00:45:00,789 and having accountability. 695 00:45:04,118 --> 00:45:08,247 [ethereal music] 696 00:45:11,375 --> 00:45:14,879 CHILD: In your world, there's a tension between what it means 697 00:45:14,879 --> 00:45:18,799 to be a good man and what it means to be a real man. 698 00:45:23,638 --> 00:45:26,724 You are told that fracturing is unbecoming. 699 00:45:29,755 --> 00:45:34,051 That a picture of wholeness is by far more satisfying. 700 00:45:35,360 --> 00:45:36,391 Stronger. 701 00:45:38,819 --> 00:45:41,405 [camera shutter clicks] 702 00:45:46,051 --> 00:45:48,951 [ethereal music continues] [indistinct speech] 703 00:46:04,136 --> 00:46:06,430 MADSEN: Snotface? Are you a snotface? 704 00:46:10,187 --> 00:46:12,184 JESSE: I can see him sitting in the chair. 705 00:46:12,603 --> 00:46:14,689 MADSEN: Is he awake? JESSE: Uh-uh. 706 00:46:14,689 --> 00:46:16,273 [footsteps crunching on the gravel] 707 00:46:16,273 --> 00:46:17,441 MADSEN: Passed out? 708 00:46:17,441 --> 00:46:19,485 JESSE: I can tell when I'm looking at him, 709 00:46:19,485 --> 00:46:21,251 'cause he looks different, you know what I mean? 710 00:46:21,276 --> 00:46:22,711 You know when you know somebody well enough, 711 00:46:22,738 --> 00:46:23,839 you know when they're like— 712 00:46:23,864 --> 00:46:25,494 MADSEN: Yeah, you know when they're fucked up. 713 00:46:25,741 --> 00:46:27,371 JESSE: 'Cause I could see him through the window, 714 00:46:27,412 --> 00:46:29,096 and he was just like this, in the chair. 715 00:46:31,834 --> 00:46:33,670 [kids playing] 716 00:46:33,708 --> 00:46:35,835 MADSEN: Oh, you can't be around it. 717 00:46:35,921 --> 00:46:38,048 You're not strong enough yet. 718 00:46:42,299 --> 00:46:45,136 JESSE: I'm going around seeing shit, you know. 719 00:46:45,136 --> 00:46:47,294 Like obviously, I can't be the— 720 00:46:48,079 --> 00:46:49,343 MADSEN: You're not the rock right now. 721 00:46:49,348 --> 00:46:50,853 JESSE: —the strength of the relationship. Huh? 722 00:46:50,891 --> 00:46:52,614 -You're not the rock right now. -No, yeah. 723 00:46:52,643 --> 00:46:54,273 -And that's okay. People take turns being rocks. 724 00:46:54,277 --> 00:46:56,821 -That's right. -But like.... 725 00:46:57,690 --> 00:46:58,899 -[heavy sigh] 726 00:46:58,899 --> 00:47:01,485 If he's in re-, he'll never, he needs rehab. 727 00:47:03,821 --> 00:47:06,994 And he would hate that, absolutely hate that. 728 00:47:07,202 --> 00:47:09,827 'Cause his dad was always in rehab when he was growing up. 729 00:47:10,661 --> 00:47:13,375 What day are you leaving? -Tomorrow morning. 730 00:47:13,414 --> 00:47:15,842 -Madsen! You told me you were gonna stay the extra day. 731 00:47:15,875 --> 00:47:17,501 -I did. Today is the extra day. 732 00:47:17,546 --> 00:47:19,632 -It is? -Mmhmm. 733 00:47:21,797 --> 00:47:23,177 -No. 734 00:47:23,215 --> 00:47:26,013 Because my psychiatrist appointment is tomorrow at 2:00. 735 00:47:26,260 --> 00:47:27,652 -The extra day that I was staying was for 736 00:47:27,678 --> 00:47:29,096 David's arraignment this morning. 737 00:47:29,655 --> 00:47:31,045 Shit! 738 00:47:31,951 --> 00:47:33,937 Okay. Well, how about Friday? 739 00:47:35,063 --> 00:47:37,191 [crickets chirping as traffic passes] 740 00:47:42,193 --> 00:47:46,197 [rock music plays on the car radio] 741 00:48:03,214 --> 00:48:06,467 [subway train roars along tracks] 742 00:48:09,428 --> 00:48:13,474 [upbeat music, many conversations at once] 743 00:48:14,391 --> 00:48:16,310 FRIEND: Madsen! You dick. 744 00:48:16,310 --> 00:48:18,062 We just had a brilliant idea. 745 00:48:27,741 --> 00:48:31,954 [punk music plays in the background] 746 00:48:39,125 --> 00:48:41,418 MADSEN: My mom asked the church elders about me. 747 00:48:43,921 --> 00:48:46,902 They tell her that if God truly intended for me to be a man 748 00:48:47,591 --> 00:48:49,927 then I'd be given the correct genitals in the afterlife. 749 00:48:55,933 --> 00:48:58,686 I'm clearly not the only one who puts sex and death 750 00:48:58,686 --> 00:49:00,521 in the same sentence. 751 00:49:05,276 --> 00:49:09,321 [ambient music, birds singing] 752 00:49:30,885 --> 00:49:34,138 [music gently fades out to radio static] 753 00:49:36,557 --> 00:49:39,310 [kids talking in the background] 754 00:49:40,477 --> 00:49:43,503 My dad believes that it's our human duty to reproduce. 755 00:49:44,401 --> 00:49:46,569 DAD: He had a revelation. He had a visit. 756 00:49:47,318 --> 00:49:49,486 MADSEN: Because before Christ can return, 757 00:49:49,486 --> 00:49:51,530 all souls must populate a body. 758 00:49:53,324 --> 00:49:56,911 It's our human job to offer those souls a body to occupy. 759 00:49:58,913 --> 00:50:01,665 [kids yelling in the background] 760 00:50:03,000 --> 00:50:06,503 In this line of thought, a body that does not reproduce 761 00:50:06,503 --> 00:50:08,756 is inherently less valuable. 762 00:50:12,176 --> 00:50:13,909 CHILD: Are you less valuable? 763 00:50:17,309 --> 00:50:18,740 - What do you got Ang? 764 00:50:18,765 --> 00:50:20,205 Ah, a little baby. 765 00:50:23,433 --> 00:50:25,113 Jesse got a baby too. 766 00:50:28,734 --> 00:50:30,531 JESSE: Where, how do babies, how does the baby 767 00:50:30,572 --> 00:50:31,744 come out of my belly? 768 00:50:32,157 --> 00:50:34,593 - You push it out your butt? 769 00:50:34,698 --> 00:50:35,908 JESSE: Mmhmm. 770 00:50:37,201 --> 00:50:38,520 LEVI: Oowie! 771 00:50:38,539 --> 00:50:41,380 JESSE: And do you want it to be a baby boy or baby girl? 772 00:50:41,872 --> 00:50:43,457 LEVI: Me? JESSE: Yeah. 773 00:50:43,457 --> 00:50:45,417 LEVI: I'm not going to be a baby! 774 00:50:45,417 --> 00:50:47,211 JESSE: No, the baby in my belly. 775 00:50:47,211 --> 00:50:49,880 [baby crying] You want it to be a baby boy or baby girl? 776 00:50:52,553 --> 00:50:55,181 Levi, Levi. 777 00:50:58,973 --> 00:51:00,557 You didn't say anything about it. 778 00:51:00,557 --> 00:51:02,810 LEVI: Whoa! Owie! MADSEN: Are you happy about it? 779 00:51:02,810 --> 00:51:05,271 -Yeah! Aren't you? 780 00:51:05,896 --> 00:51:07,089 -Stoked! 781 00:51:07,731 --> 00:51:09,566 -You guys are all party poopers. 782 00:51:10,985 --> 00:51:12,236 LEVI: Wheeee! 783 00:51:12,236 --> 00:51:13,570 Ooh. Ow. 784 00:51:18,450 --> 00:51:22,162 Uncle Madsen! Uncle Madsen! 785 00:51:22,663 --> 00:51:23,789 Hey, stop! 786 00:51:23,789 --> 00:51:26,834 You stop messing with my clock, mister! 787 00:51:28,627 --> 00:51:32,840 [haunting music] 788 00:51:40,639 --> 00:51:44,101 CHILD: Ancients thought that time was cyclical, 789 00:51:44,101 --> 00:51:47,479 related to the rotation of the celestial bodies. 790 00:51:48,188 --> 00:51:50,524 The movement of stars and planets. 791 00:51:53,652 --> 00:51:57,323 It's only since the Christian re-definition of time 792 00:51:57,323 --> 00:52:00,284 that you think about time as irreversible, 793 00:52:00,284 --> 00:52:05,622 with a beginning, genesis, and end, apocalypse. 794 00:52:12,341 --> 00:52:16,345 [ethereal voices singing] 795 00:52:25,517 --> 00:52:27,335 Would you like to tell them now? 796 00:52:30,898 --> 00:52:34,193 MADSEN: I know this is non-linear, but I have 797 00:52:34,193 --> 00:52:36,528 another piece of an earlier story to tell you. 798 00:52:39,073 --> 00:52:41,033 A month before Kalla's death, 799 00:52:41,033 --> 00:52:43,077 she fell down the stairs. 800 00:52:44,411 --> 00:52:47,498 She suffered a slow brain bleed that was undetected 801 00:52:47,498 --> 00:52:50,209 by the immediate ER visit and CT scan. 802 00:52:52,534 --> 00:52:53,944 To add pain to pain, 803 00:52:55,005 --> 00:52:57,049 she had tripped on her blanket. 804 00:52:58,509 --> 00:53:02,388 She was in the process of seeking comfort. 805 00:53:05,349 --> 00:53:06,785 David was watching her. 806 00:53:10,145 --> 00:53:13,193 CHILD'S VOICE: Close your eyes, and tap your heels together 807 00:53:13,232 --> 00:53:16,320 three times, and think to yourself, 808 00:53:16,360 --> 00:53:18,529 "There's no place like home. 809 00:53:18,529 --> 00:53:20,739 There's no place like home. 810 00:53:20,739 --> 00:53:22,616 There's no place like home." 811 00:53:22,616 --> 00:53:25,911 -One. -There's no place like home. 812 00:53:25,911 --> 00:53:28,455 -Two. -There's no place like home. 813 00:53:29,706 --> 00:53:31,959 -Goodbye, Dorothy! 814 00:53:33,752 --> 00:53:36,213 [stirring music] 815 00:53:36,213 --> 00:53:40,092 [applause and cheers] 816 00:53:41,051 --> 00:53:42,386 [many conversations] 817 00:53:42,386 --> 00:53:43,802 MADSEN: What do you think? 818 00:53:44,308 --> 00:53:48,812 JESSE: It's improved drastically from the last one. 819 00:53:48,837 --> 00:53:50,089 MADSEN: From when we were in school? 820 00:53:50,114 --> 00:53:52,055 JESSE: No, just from the last one I took Levi to. 821 00:53:52,062 --> 00:53:55,483 They didn't have microphones or anything with Levi here before. 822 00:53:56,233 --> 00:53:57,440 Or wands. 823 00:53:58,569 --> 00:53:59,996 MADSEN: All right, what do you want to eat? 824 00:54:00,529 --> 00:54:02,142 JESSE: Whatever. You gotta be hungry, too. 825 00:54:02,437 --> 00:54:06,454 -I am, but I'm not really eating fast food right now, so. 826 00:54:06,493 --> 00:54:07,497 I'll eat at the house. 827 00:54:07,536 --> 00:54:09,077 -Oh. So, you're just not going to eat anything? 828 00:54:09,333 --> 00:54:10,734 -I'll make something at the house. 829 00:54:12,252 --> 00:54:15,046 -So, are you buying my food? -Yeah, I'm buying your food. 830 00:54:15,077 --> 00:54:19,213 -Um...Taco Bell, or? 831 00:54:19,214 --> 00:54:20,636 [car warning] -Are you wearing a seat-belt? 832 00:54:20,674 --> 00:54:22,346 -No. -Put a seat-belt on. 833 00:54:22,387 --> 00:54:23,566 -I forgot. 834 00:54:26,096 --> 00:54:28,265 -Oh my god, turn it up. 835 00:54:28,265 --> 00:54:30,434 ♪ Whispers at the bus stop 836 00:54:30,434 --> 00:54:33,812 ♪ Well, I've heard about nights out in the school yard 837 00:54:33,812 --> 00:54:37,357 ♪ I found out about you 838 00:54:37,357 --> 00:54:39,985 ♪ I found out about you.... ♪ 839 00:54:45,491 --> 00:54:47,454 So, Sherry called me about, I don't know, 840 00:54:47,493 --> 00:54:49,511 7:00 in the morning, 'cause we started at 6:00. 841 00:54:49,536 --> 00:54:50,954 She says, "Fred, I got a problem." 842 00:54:50,954 --> 00:54:51,956 I said, "What?" 843 00:54:52,000 --> 00:54:55,420 She said, "David's drunk at work here." 844 00:54:55,462 --> 00:54:57,282 I said, "Oh, really?" She says, "Yup." 845 00:54:58,128 --> 00:55:00,217 She says, "Would you come and take him in for his test? 846 00:55:00,248 --> 00:55:02,296 'Cause I think it'd kinda be awkward if I tell him. 847 00:55:02,320 --> 00:55:03,963 I didn't want him to...." 848 00:55:04,012 --> 00:55:05,445 You know, I think they were leery about him 849 00:55:05,469 --> 00:55:06,557 getting aggressive or something. 850 00:55:06,589 --> 00:55:08,016 But I said, "All right, I'll be there." 851 00:55:08,048 --> 00:55:10,378 So, I zipped into work there and... 852 00:55:11,350 --> 00:55:12,564 definitely drunk. 853 00:55:13,060 --> 00:55:15,187 He's got a few addictions. 854 00:55:18,068 --> 00:55:20,404 So, Mom and I been praying every night for that. 855 00:55:23,654 --> 00:55:25,364 There's a car. 856 00:55:27,699 --> 00:55:29,660 LEVI: They're here! JESSE: Who's here?! 857 00:55:29,660 --> 00:55:30,789 MADSEN: Hi, Benny! 858 00:55:31,498 --> 00:55:32,859 [TV plays] JESSE: We're all really sick. 859 00:55:33,247 --> 00:55:35,207 We got a bad cough and cold, so make sure 860 00:55:35,207 --> 00:55:36,875 you sanitize your hands a lot. 861 00:55:38,669 --> 00:55:41,513 Please don't tape record me now. Are you serious? 862 00:55:42,256 --> 00:55:43,924 I haven't taken a shower in like three days. 863 00:55:43,969 --> 00:55:46,590 DAD: Take him, Mom. I'm working up a sweat here. 864 00:55:46,885 --> 00:55:48,515 MADSEN: When David is at his worst, 865 00:55:48,554 --> 00:55:50,851 Jesse and all the kids stay at Mom and Dad's. 866 00:55:51,515 --> 00:55:54,101 He visits, but only during the day. 867 00:55:54,851 --> 00:55:56,614 He doesn't wanna talk to me anymore. 868 00:55:57,104 --> 00:55:59,106 JESSE: What are you doing? 869 00:56:00,023 --> 00:56:01,692 MADSEN: I see you got your tooth fixed. 870 00:56:01,692 --> 00:56:03,777 -Mmhmm. It's still sensitive. 871 00:56:03,777 --> 00:56:04,947 -Yeah. 872 00:56:05,529 --> 00:56:07,948 -Like, I prefer to drink out of a straw. 873 00:56:10,033 --> 00:56:12,023 MADSEN: Her teeth were replaced this week. 874 00:56:12,744 --> 00:56:14,871 She says she fell in the shower. 875 00:56:16,248 --> 00:56:17,499 Everyone believes her. 876 00:56:19,918 --> 00:56:22,826 JESSE: Only happens to me, this kinda stuff. 877 00:56:25,215 --> 00:56:26,303 Yeah. 878 00:56:26,472 --> 00:56:28,311 MADSEN: What do you think it is about you that attracts 879 00:56:28,343 --> 00:56:29,682 this kind of fun stuff? 880 00:56:30,887 --> 00:56:32,889 JESSE: I guess God thinks I can handle it, 881 00:56:32,889 --> 00:56:34,808 but apparently he's wrong. 882 00:56:36,268 --> 00:56:38,895 You know how they say you don't get what you can't handle? 883 00:56:41,315 --> 00:56:43,317 You know what I mean? 884 00:56:47,321 --> 00:56:51,325 [kids playing and talking] 885 00:56:52,409 --> 00:56:54,933 MOM: What kinda jet is that? Papa probably knows. 886 00:56:55,245 --> 00:56:56,913 Papa used to be in the Air Force, 887 00:56:56,913 --> 00:56:58,749 and he would fly on a plane like this. 888 00:57:02,422 --> 00:57:05,307 Gram, would this kill somebody? 889 00:57:07,143 --> 00:57:09,563 [Benny whimpers nearby] 890 00:57:11,470 --> 00:57:14,598 MOM: So, he brought the picture of Kalla out a couple weeks ago, 891 00:57:14,598 --> 00:57:16,596 and he said to me, "Gramma, who's this?" 892 00:57:17,267 --> 00:57:20,771 And I said, "That's Kalla." And he said, "Who's Kalla?" 893 00:57:20,771 --> 00:57:22,962 And I said, "Kalla was your older sister." 894 00:57:23,607 --> 00:57:25,108 And he said, "Well, where is she?" 895 00:57:25,609 --> 00:57:27,081 I said, "Well, Kalla died." 896 00:57:27,361 --> 00:57:29,613 And he said, "Well, where did she go?" 897 00:57:29,613 --> 00:57:32,018 And I said, "Well, when you die, you go to Heaven." 898 00:57:32,324 --> 00:57:34,571 And she said, "Well, how did she die?" 899 00:57:34,993 --> 00:57:37,204 And I said, "She fell and hit her head." 900 00:57:39,122 --> 00:57:41,875 And he said, "Where was my mom?" 901 00:57:44,214 --> 00:57:47,547 And I said, "Well, your mama wasn't there when she fell." 902 00:57:47,881 --> 00:57:51,301 But I didn't bother to say that your daddy was home with her, 903 00:57:51,301 --> 00:57:54,513 but I said, "Your mama wasn't there when she fell." 904 00:57:56,807 --> 00:57:58,141 And then he was like, "Oh." 905 00:57:58,141 --> 00:58:00,227 And then he never asked any more questions. 906 00:58:06,149 --> 00:58:09,319 He didn't say, "Where was Daddy? Where was Papa?" 907 00:58:09,319 --> 00:58:10,734 He said, "Where was Mama?" 908 00:58:11,488 --> 00:58:13,365 'Cause I guess he's convinced Mama would have stopped it 909 00:58:13,365 --> 00:58:15,492 from happening if Mama would've been there. 910 00:58:24,042 --> 00:58:28,004 CHILD: In early life, the veil between worlds is lowered. 911 00:58:29,506 --> 00:58:32,884 But when children develop memory and imagination, 912 00:58:32,884 --> 00:58:35,762 they also begin to understand time. 913 00:58:37,681 --> 00:58:41,521 There are things that were and things that are 914 00:58:42,519 --> 00:58:44,521 and things that will be. 915 00:58:46,273 --> 00:58:48,928 MOM: You know, there's the grief of losing... 916 00:58:50,569 --> 00:58:54,195 the grief of losing all those rites of passage 917 00:58:54,865 --> 00:58:58,285 that you experience with a child. 918 00:59:00,036 --> 00:59:04,207 And those are all taken from you. 919 00:59:04,958 --> 00:59:09,713 Because that's changed, it's a hard thing to adapt to. 920 00:59:09,713 --> 00:59:13,884 [children singing] 921 00:59:14,968 --> 00:59:17,262 MADSEN: Sometimes it's unclear if Mom is talking 922 00:59:17,262 --> 00:59:18,922 about you or about me. 923 00:59:20,390 --> 00:59:22,156 CHILD: She's talking about you. 924 00:59:23,059 --> 00:59:26,438 You, who is very much alive. 925 00:59:28,607 --> 00:59:30,609 MADSEN: But also you. 926 00:59:32,319 --> 00:59:37,282 [pensive music] 927 00:59:39,242 --> 00:59:44,247 CHILD: Some endings are lost in a sea of beginnings. 928 00:59:48,084 --> 00:59:49,669 MADSEN: [whispers] I know. 929 00:59:50,796 --> 00:59:52,756 JESSE: Look at how awake you are! 930 00:59:52,756 --> 00:59:54,299 [kisses baby] 931 00:59:54,299 --> 00:59:56,968 Look how awake you are, little guy! 932 00:59:57,344 --> 01:00:00,263 LEVI: Mom, can I hold him? JESSE: Sure, come on up. 933 01:00:01,097 --> 01:00:03,683 Let's wrap him up first so he stays nice and warm. 934 01:00:04,768 --> 01:00:06,353 Okay, lean against the couch. 935 01:00:06,353 --> 01:00:08,271 All right, are you comfy? 936 01:00:08,271 --> 01:00:11,942 -Oh, I don't, I don't actually wanna hold him. 937 01:00:11,942 --> 01:00:13,443 -I'll stay right by you. 938 01:00:13,443 --> 01:00:15,111 -No, I don't. -No? Okay. 939 01:00:15,111 --> 01:00:17,948 You just wanna check him out? -Mmhmm. 940 01:00:17,948 --> 01:00:19,491 -Okay. 941 01:00:20,492 --> 01:00:22,202 He's nervous. 942 01:00:24,830 --> 01:00:28,959 [JoJo talking] 943 01:00:29,796 --> 01:00:32,549 LEVI: Lookit! Uncle Madsen, look over there! 944 01:00:34,297 --> 01:00:37,801 [fire crackles] 945 01:00:42,347 --> 01:00:43,974 [firework booms] 946 01:00:43,974 --> 01:00:45,809 DAVID: Fireworks. LEVI: Huh? 947 01:00:45,809 --> 01:00:47,185 -Fireworks. -Why? 948 01:00:47,185 --> 01:00:50,689 [continue talking quietly] 949 01:00:53,817 --> 01:00:56,486 MADSEN: I feel a deep sense of sorrow for this man. 950 01:00:58,196 --> 01:01:01,908 For the things that've happened, but also, 951 01:01:01,908 --> 01:01:05,745 because he was never told that being a good man 952 01:01:05,745 --> 01:01:08,331 is the same thing as being a good person. 953 01:01:14,337 --> 01:01:18,341 [Country music] 954 01:01:25,056 --> 01:01:28,685 ♪ Been wasting my time talking to you 955 01:01:28,685 --> 01:01:31,855 ♪ it just don't do me no good 956 01:01:31,855 --> 01:01:35,275 ♪ you can turn my way or you can walk away 957 01:01:35,275 --> 01:01:38,403 ♪ or you can love me like you should 958 01:01:42,282 --> 01:01:46,286 [music builds in intensity] 959 01:01:54,127 --> 01:01:55,128 ♪ Well, I can— ♪ 960 01:01:55,128 --> 01:01:57,714 REPORTER 1: Great temperatures! The heat continues on. 961 01:01:57,714 --> 01:01:59,925 REPORTER 2: Yeah, you're right: a nice weekend coming up, 962 01:01:59,925 --> 01:02:01,593 at least Saturday, as you mentioned. 963 01:02:01,593 --> 01:02:03,219 Maybe a little rain later Sunday. 964 01:02:03,219 --> 01:02:06,056 We'll talk more about that coming up in a few minutes, 965 01:02:06,056 --> 01:02:07,432 but it was a nice day today. 966 01:02:07,432 --> 01:02:14,064 [marching band plays "The Battle Hymn of the Republic"] 967 01:02:27,243 --> 01:02:30,914 CHILD: Humans create stories to explain things, 968 01:02:30,914 --> 01:02:33,083 to understand the world they occupy. 969 01:02:35,005 --> 01:02:36,407 You already know that. 970 01:02:38,630 --> 01:02:40,788 But when you lie to yourself long enough, 971 01:02:41,324 --> 01:02:44,594 you begin to believe a particular version of a story. 972 01:02:46,179 --> 01:02:49,933 [waves softly roll] 973 01:02:52,852 --> 01:02:53,937 MADSEN: Hang on. 974 01:02:53,937 --> 01:02:56,189 JESSE: Are you ready? MADSEN: No. 975 01:02:56,189 --> 01:02:57,941 -Ugh, the camera. 976 01:03:00,193 --> 01:03:02,572 -First, tell me what really happened to your teeth. 977 01:03:02,597 --> 01:03:04,357 -My teeth got kicked in by my husband. 978 01:03:05,865 --> 01:03:06,946 And I'm all fixed. 979 01:03:07,784 --> 01:03:09,207 But they're chipping off again. 980 01:03:09,577 --> 01:03:12,476 See? Right there. But— 981 01:03:12,501 --> 01:03:14,086 -Why did he do that? 982 01:03:15,170 --> 01:03:16,267 -He was drunk. 983 01:03:16,880 --> 01:03:19,205 [kids play in the next room] 984 01:03:21,798 --> 01:03:24,851 And I instantly felt the flood, and I went. 985 01:03:25,301 --> 01:03:26,511 Hm-hmm-mm! 986 01:03:26,511 --> 01:03:28,638 I kinda did one of these to walk away from Levi, 987 01:03:28,638 --> 01:03:30,724 but it was everywhere. 988 01:03:30,724 --> 01:03:32,142 He was like, "Mom you're bleeding. 989 01:03:32,142 --> 01:03:33,810 You're bleeding" I was like, "I'm okay!" 990 01:03:33,810 --> 01:03:36,050 I just did the best I could. 991 01:03:37,008 --> 01:03:38,037 -Yeah. 992 01:03:38,064 --> 01:03:41,317 -Before, I constantly had black eyes and bloody lips. 993 01:03:41,317 --> 01:03:42,819 All the time. -I know. 994 01:03:42,819 --> 01:03:45,822 -And I would say, and Mom thought that I was like.... 995 01:03:45,822 --> 01:03:48,992 She told me a couple days ago, I got really upset with her 996 01:03:48,992 --> 01:03:52,871 like a week ago because she sent me this long text saying 997 01:03:52,871 --> 01:03:55,707 about how I have these children to take care of, 998 01:03:55,707 --> 01:03:59,669 and I'm obviously in a state of hypomanic, 999 01:03:59,669 --> 01:04:01,212 or what's that word? Hypoman-? 1000 01:04:01,212 --> 01:04:03,048 -Mania? -Yeah, hypomania. 1001 01:04:03,048 --> 01:04:07,761 She thinks that if I put on makeup or lose baby weight, 1002 01:04:07,761 --> 01:04:11,181 that I'm acting manic-y, like. 1003 01:04:11,181 --> 01:04:12,677 But really, I'm just not pregnant. 1004 01:04:12,891 --> 01:04:14,684 I've been pregnant for four years. 1005 01:04:14,684 --> 01:04:16,118 Yeah, I'm right here. 1006 01:04:16,895 --> 01:04:17,896 Yeah? 1007 01:04:17,896 --> 01:04:19,230 Yeah?! 1008 01:04:19,230 --> 01:04:21,024 DAD: Don't just leave him like that with Benny. 1009 01:04:21,024 --> 01:04:23,599 JESSE: Sorry. DAD: Hanging all over him. 1010 01:04:24,360 --> 01:04:26,696 MOM: Should we all go on a blankie hunt together? 1011 01:04:28,782 --> 01:04:30,200 Oh, Mama found it first. 1012 01:04:30,200 --> 01:04:31,701 [kids calling out] 1013 01:04:31,701 --> 01:04:33,787 MADSEN: The cycles of pregnancies and births 1014 01:04:33,787 --> 01:04:35,747 and depressions have historically ended 1015 01:04:35,747 --> 01:04:37,707 in breakdowns or relapses. 1016 01:04:38,875 --> 01:04:40,960 And I've spent the last five years trying to accept 1017 01:04:40,960 --> 01:04:42,921 my powerlessness to change this. 1018 01:04:44,422 --> 01:04:45,757 LEVI: Lookit. 1019 01:04:45,757 --> 01:04:48,093 DAD: I got a little orangutan. I smuggled him in. 1020 01:04:48,093 --> 01:04:49,094 [many voices] 1021 01:04:49,094 --> 01:04:50,637 BENNY: Grandpa, here comes Daddy! 1022 01:04:50,637 --> 01:04:52,388 DAD: Well, I gotta keep playing with this baby. 1023 01:04:52,388 --> 01:04:53,599 Don't push him, Ben. 1024 01:04:55,725 --> 01:05:00,984 Sometimes I try to take pictures of Mommy and Daddy, 1025 01:05:01,026 --> 01:05:04,542 and sometimes Mom and Daddy get apart, 1026 01:05:04,567 --> 01:05:07,449 and Mommy goes over here and Daddy goes over there. 1027 01:05:07,612 --> 01:05:10,202 But I need Daddy to stay right here 1028 01:05:10,210 --> 01:05:11,661 and Mommy to stay right here, 1029 01:05:11,708 --> 01:05:14,549 but sometimes I can't take pictures though, 1030 01:05:14,574 --> 01:05:17,941 because Daddy and Mommy don't really like each other 1031 01:05:17,975 --> 01:05:19,709 when they get really close 1032 01:05:19,724 --> 01:05:22,545 because Daddy doesn't really like Mom. 1033 01:05:22,961 --> 01:05:26,385 Well, he does when she puts lipstick on, 1034 01:05:26,426 --> 01:05:28,561 but now she's not wearing it. 1035 01:05:33,847 --> 01:05:34,931 MADSEN: What do you got? 1036 01:05:35,022 --> 01:05:36,158 JOJO: A flower. 1037 01:05:36,182 --> 01:05:37,673 MADSEN: Oh, show me the flower. 1038 01:05:38,351 --> 01:05:42,734 If Mommy and Daddy see this flower, they will never part. 1039 01:05:42,778 --> 01:05:45,842 If they see this flower that I'm holding in my hand 1040 01:05:46,317 --> 01:05:49,533 Mommy and Daddy will just do "like this!" 1041 01:05:49,546 --> 01:05:53,548 And no one will ever see Daddy ever again. 1042 01:05:53,965 --> 01:05:56,590 Well, we don't usually see him. 1043 01:05:56,949 --> 01:05:57,949 Mmm! 1044 01:05:58,662 --> 01:05:59,782 Wait a minute. 1045 01:06:00,999 --> 01:06:01,999 Yuck! 1046 01:06:02,805 --> 01:06:04,644 MADSEN: You know that girls don't have to wear lipstick 1047 01:06:04,669 --> 01:06:06,091 to be pretty, right? -Yeah. 1048 01:06:06,129 --> 01:06:07,463 -Some girls don't wear any lipstick, 1049 01:06:07,463 --> 01:06:09,340 and they're beautiful. 1050 01:06:11,634 --> 01:06:12,677 JOJO: I see! Look! 1051 01:06:12,677 --> 01:06:14,971 A baby plant and a mommy plant! 1052 01:06:14,971 --> 01:06:17,056 [sings] 1053 01:06:17,098 --> 01:06:18,660 [punk music plays] 1054 01:06:18,685 --> 01:06:20,365 ♪ So long to mysterious 1055 01:06:21,074 --> 01:06:22,754 ♪ So long to mysterious 1056 01:06:22,983 --> 01:06:25,402 [tattoo machine buzzes] 1057 01:06:29,652 --> 01:06:32,363 JESSE: Jeremy, be gentle. It's my first time. 1058 01:06:33,239 --> 01:06:37,660 [music grows louder, machine buzzes steadily] 1059 01:06:42,999 --> 01:06:44,845 Shouldn't it hurt more the first time? 1060 01:06:45,752 --> 01:06:47,405 Isn't that how it works? -Were you drunk? 1061 01:06:47,430 --> 01:06:49,830 -It's your shoulder. -Yeah, so? 1062 01:06:54,928 --> 01:06:57,013 TATTOO ARTIST: All right. Go check that out. 1063 01:06:57,013 --> 01:06:59,015 -We're done? -Yeah. 1064 01:07:02,566 --> 01:07:04,860 -The suntan is really burning. 1065 01:07:05,730 --> 01:07:07,069 Could you put that away for a little bit? 1066 01:07:07,106 --> 01:07:08,191 MADSEN: Looks good. 1067 01:07:08,191 --> 01:07:09,609 JESSE: It's been going on since I saw you. 1068 01:07:09,609 --> 01:07:10,944 -Okay. -I'm just saying. 1069 01:07:10,944 --> 01:07:12,288 FRIEND: Memories, Jesse. 1070 01:07:12,324 --> 01:07:15,536 JESSE: Yeah, it's always— He's uncomfortable without it. 1071 01:07:15,702 --> 01:07:16,912 Obviously. 1072 01:07:16,950 --> 01:07:18,076 [tattoo machine buzzes] 1073 01:07:18,076 --> 01:07:20,870 JESSE: I'm gonna smoke. -Okay. 1074 01:07:20,895 --> 01:07:23,630 JESSE: Bobby, how is a body like a back road? 1075 01:07:24,207 --> 01:07:25,638 TATTOO ARTIST: All the bumps and curves. 1076 01:07:26,874 --> 01:07:28,338 JESSE: Yeah, I know I'm pretty good at being 1077 01:07:28,378 --> 01:07:31,923 a cameraman, huh? I know. 1078 01:07:31,923 --> 01:07:33,716 I'll just tape. 1079 01:07:39,222 --> 01:07:42,225 [ice bangs into the cup] 1080 01:07:43,601 --> 01:07:46,454 MOM: Unless she's documented domestic violence by calling 1081 01:07:46,479 --> 01:07:48,013 the police or making a police report, 1082 01:07:48,064 --> 01:07:50,441 she can't have him move. 1083 01:07:50,441 --> 01:07:52,763 If she put his name on the house, it's his house. 1084 01:07:53,403 --> 01:07:58,144 So, you know, figuring out how we can do that. 1085 01:07:58,916 --> 01:08:00,718 DAD: Well, if she tells him, "You gotta take your name 1086 01:08:00,743 --> 01:08:01,822 off the house." 1087 01:08:02,912 --> 01:08:05,748 [TV plays] 1088 01:08:05,748 --> 01:08:08,293 MOM: 'Cause if she would've filed, 1089 01:08:08,293 --> 01:08:10,753 she would've had more, you know. 1090 01:08:10,753 --> 01:08:13,673 I don't, I doubt very much that Jesse gave them the reason 1091 01:08:13,673 --> 01:08:16,258 why her front teeth were broken and her bottom teeth. 1092 01:08:17,301 --> 01:08:19,262 But I also know, and everyone else does too, 1093 01:08:19,262 --> 01:08:22,849 that victims of domestic violence often don't report it. 1094 01:08:24,851 --> 01:08:27,687 -She gave up on changing her lifestyle, you know. 1095 01:08:28,103 --> 01:08:33,192 ON TV: Wake up, warm up! Wake up, warm up! 1096 01:08:33,192 --> 01:08:35,201 [jingle plays] 1097 01:08:36,862 --> 01:08:41,117 MADSEN: Do you feel responsible for a lot of the things 1098 01:08:41,117 --> 01:08:42,840 that have happened to Jesse? 1099 01:08:43,519 --> 01:08:45,705 MOM: Oh yeah. Yeah. 1100 01:08:47,920 --> 01:08:49,922 Yeah, I feel real sad about that. 1101 01:08:53,379 --> 01:08:57,216 -I feel responsible too, because 1102 01:08:57,216 --> 01:09:00,969 I was just such a cruel sibling. 1103 01:09:03,514 --> 01:09:04,639 Mmhmm. 1104 01:09:06,146 --> 01:09:07,189 Yeah. 1105 01:09:08,519 --> 01:09:13,023 [distorted, droning music] 1106 01:09:23,701 --> 01:09:26,328 [wooden chair creaks] 1107 01:09:29,082 --> 01:09:31,666 MADSEN: Most of the time, I don't know what to say. 1108 01:09:34,711 --> 01:09:37,506 "I'm sorry" only works if the person can hear it 1109 01:09:37,506 --> 01:09:38,674 or wants to hear it. 1110 01:09:38,674 --> 01:09:39,675 [neck cracks] 1111 01:09:39,675 --> 01:09:41,886 The same goes for "I love you." 1112 01:09:58,277 --> 01:10:01,030 JESSE: Remember when I drove my wagon down the road? 1113 01:10:02,865 --> 01:10:04,217 I don't know how far down the road I was, 1114 01:10:04,242 --> 01:10:06,290 but I felt like I was miles away. 1115 01:10:06,327 --> 01:10:08,739 And I stopped, and all of a sudden I couldn't see the house. 1116 01:10:09,246 --> 01:10:10,957 I was, like, completely lost. 1117 01:10:10,982 --> 01:10:12,971 So, I just stopped and stood there. 1118 01:10:14,043 --> 01:10:17,380 And then I saw Mom come out to the road and yell, "Jesse!" 1119 01:10:19,882 --> 01:10:22,135 Everybody thought I was dead or in the lake. 1120 01:10:23,264 --> 01:10:24,523 MADSEN: We could do that. 1121 01:10:26,973 --> 01:10:28,224 That'd be funny. 1122 01:10:28,224 --> 01:10:29,934 JESSE: I remember that like it was yesterday. 1123 01:10:31,309 --> 01:10:33,728 [wind rushes] 1124 01:10:34,564 --> 01:10:36,773 MADSEN: We recreate this event together. 1125 01:10:37,442 --> 01:10:40,611 We try to imagine ourselves as small bodies. 1126 01:10:41,112 --> 01:10:44,657 [wagon wheels clanking] 1127 01:10:46,576 --> 01:10:49,829 It's in moments like this where I coax her to do something 1128 01:10:49,829 --> 01:10:53,791 utterly ridiculous with me that I'm able to see her love. 1129 01:10:55,793 --> 01:10:57,837 Who else would put up with this? 1130 01:11:02,429 --> 01:11:03,805 MOM: Jesse! 1131 01:11:09,144 --> 01:11:12,814 [steps slowly crunching on leaves] 1132 01:11:15,609 --> 01:11:18,559 DAD: Look how he went for the sun. 1133 01:11:18,775 --> 01:11:20,151 Found an opening and started leaning over 1134 01:11:20,151 --> 01:11:21,475 in a different direction. 1135 01:11:24,576 --> 01:11:26,001 Had a lot of years to do that. 1136 01:11:28,993 --> 01:11:31,454 [a branch falls] 1137 01:11:44,383 --> 01:11:47,803 Oh, the ferns are growing right up between the keys. 1138 01:11:47,803 --> 01:11:49,972 [taps strings] 1139 01:11:50,681 --> 01:11:52,268 Well, it can't play anymore. 1140 01:11:58,898 --> 01:12:06,155 [bright piano song plays back distorted] 1141 01:12:11,035 --> 01:12:13,829 [boards clanking] 1142 01:12:20,419 --> 01:12:23,714 [machinery rumbles] 1143 01:12:24,840 --> 01:12:26,638 DAD: There's gonna be a brand new trucking company 1144 01:12:26,675 --> 01:12:29,011 coming in that's gonna help handle all the freight 1145 01:12:29,011 --> 01:12:31,013 coming from the new Arauco plant. 1146 01:12:33,266 --> 01:12:35,226 The whole town is gonna change. 1147 01:12:36,686 --> 01:12:41,523 [soft music on car radio as heavy machinery growls] 1148 01:12:43,192 --> 01:12:44,527 MADSEN: It's construction season. 1149 01:12:45,528 --> 01:12:46,932 The roads are widening. 1150 01:12:47,976 --> 01:12:51,730 And I'm trying to remember why exactly I drug us through this. 1151 01:12:56,205 --> 01:12:59,296 CHILD: Because you believed that the choices you've made 1152 01:12:59,333 --> 01:13:01,346 render you unlovable. 1153 01:13:01,787 --> 01:13:03,938 That the distance you enforced would 1154 01:13:03,963 --> 01:13:06,219 protect you from suffering. 1155 01:13:08,884 --> 01:13:12,096 MADSEN: That's just not true anymore. 1156 01:13:15,975 --> 01:13:18,269 CHILD: Then what questions have you left? 1157 01:13:22,398 --> 01:13:26,986 [bangs and whirs of machinery echo and build] 1158 01:13:36,041 --> 01:13:38,919 [gentle folk music] 1159 01:13:47,757 --> 01:13:52,261 ♪ Take us to the river 1160 01:13:53,094 --> 01:13:56,641 ♪ Teach us to swim upstream 1161 01:13:58,159 --> 01:14:03,331 ♪ You say, "Life ain't no fun, get used to the fight, 1162 01:14:03,356 --> 01:14:07,943 ♪ 'cause yeah, those currents can be real mean...." ♪ 1163 01:14:14,200 --> 01:14:16,285 MADSEN: I think most humans spend a good chunk 1164 01:14:16,285 --> 01:14:19,496 of their lives trying to put distance between themselves 1165 01:14:19,496 --> 01:14:20,914 and where they came from. 1166 01:14:21,957 --> 01:14:23,793 Most literally, our mothers. 1167 01:14:27,463 --> 01:14:31,967 One being separating into two is absolutely myth-worthy. 1168 01:14:32,635 --> 01:14:35,346 [water sloshes] 1169 01:14:43,942 --> 01:14:45,151 CHILD: Ask it! 1170 01:14:46,357 --> 01:14:47,650 [whispers] Tell it. 1171 01:14:49,077 --> 01:14:50,412 MADSEN: I have to ask you something 1172 01:14:50,443 --> 01:14:52,493 really challenging for me. 1173 01:14:54,995 --> 01:14:58,290 And part of it's, I've wanted to ask you for a long time, 1174 01:14:58,327 --> 01:15:01,664 but I haven't found the right moment to. 1175 01:15:01,664 --> 01:15:04,666 There's just, like, one thing that sort of always is kind of 1176 01:15:04,666 --> 01:15:07,585 a replay in my brain that I have to ask you about, 1177 01:15:07,585 --> 01:15:09,802 that I'm hoping I can exorcise it. 1178 01:15:11,382 --> 01:15:13,382 Which is that, when I... 1179 01:15:15,177 --> 01:15:19,174 told you that I wanted to start taking hormones, 1180 01:15:19,432 --> 01:15:21,767 you had sort of an emotional response and told me 1181 01:15:21,767 --> 01:15:24,353 that me being trans was 1182 01:15:24,353 --> 01:15:25,771 God punishing you for having 1183 01:15:25,771 --> 01:15:27,857 had abortions before you had me. 1184 01:15:30,359 --> 01:15:35,114 And I just wanna ask you if you still feel that way. 1185 01:15:38,330 --> 01:15:40,048 MOM: I don't remember telling you that. 1186 01:15:40,716 --> 01:15:42,300 I don't remember saying that. 1187 01:15:44,710 --> 01:15:46,882 That was probably a grief response. 1188 01:15:51,077 --> 01:15:53,090 And I love the person you are. 1189 01:15:58,888 --> 01:16:00,889 And I'm sorry I said that. 1190 01:16:04,934 --> 01:16:06,937 -[whispers] Thank you. -Yeah. 1191 01:16:08,110 --> 01:16:10,321 And hopefully, you can forgive me. 1192 01:16:19,325 --> 01:16:23,746 [gentle electronica music] 1193 01:16:48,025 --> 01:16:49,851 DAD: Mom gave a talk one time in church. 1194 01:16:50,773 --> 01:16:53,587 She talked about Jesse, and she talked about you. 1195 01:16:54,151 --> 01:16:57,773 So, we all have things we have to adapt to. 1196 01:16:58,447 --> 01:17:01,450 That was the crux of her talk was you have to, 1197 01:17:01,450 --> 01:17:03,202 you love them the way they are, you know. 1198 01:17:03,202 --> 01:17:04,521 That's the way it is. 1199 01:17:05,704 --> 01:17:07,794 And if somebody doesn't like it that my daughter's transgender 1200 01:17:07,832 --> 01:17:09,062 or the church doesn't agree with it, 1201 01:17:09,333 --> 01:17:10,768 I've got a big problem with that. 1202 01:17:11,835 --> 01:17:15,464 So, she's very, everybody liked that too, they— 1203 01:17:15,464 --> 01:17:18,460 MADSEN: Did she say that? DAD: Yeah. Yep. 1204 01:17:18,550 --> 01:17:20,969 So, you mess with Mother Goose, man, 1205 01:17:20,969 --> 01:17:22,972 and you're gonna get hurt, you know. 1206 01:17:24,139 --> 01:17:28,644 [Old Crow Medicine Show "Wagon Wheel"] 1207 01:17:30,813 --> 01:17:34,233 FAMILY: ♪ So, rock me mama like a wagon wheel 1208 01:17:34,233 --> 01:17:37,653 ♪ Rock me mama anyway you feel 1209 01:17:37,653 --> 01:17:41,657 ♪ Hey, mama rock me 1210 01:17:41,657 --> 01:17:43,659 [baby cries, voices talking as guitar continues playing] 1211 01:17:43,659 --> 01:17:46,996 ♪ Rock me mama like the wind and the rain 1212 01:17:46,996 --> 01:17:50,332 ♪ Rock me mama like a southbound train 1213 01:17:50,332 --> 01:17:54,335 ♪ Hey, mama rock me ♪ 1214 01:17:56,338 --> 01:18:01,719 [guitar becomes sweeping and ethereal] 1215 01:18:10,352 --> 01:18:13,230 [family chatting] 1216 01:18:14,023 --> 01:18:16,734 MOM: Fred, come and catch this gorgeous sunset! 1217 01:18:17,614 --> 01:18:19,025 MADSEN: I learned a secret. 1218 01:18:20,637 --> 01:18:23,181 When you speak the pain's name, it dissipates. 1219 01:18:26,076 --> 01:18:27,870 When the pain's great, you have to speak it 1220 01:18:27,870 --> 01:18:30,371 over and over and over again. 1221 01:18:35,920 --> 01:18:39,590 I wanna go back into time and tell this secret 1222 01:18:39,590 --> 01:18:41,717 to all of our former selves. 1223 01:18:44,637 --> 01:18:47,889 CHILD: Tell it to all your future selves instead. 1224 01:18:48,891 --> 01:18:50,059 [swing squeaks] 1225 01:18:50,059 --> 01:18:53,228 JOJO: What's that noise? MADSEN: It's the squeaky chain. 1226 01:18:55,064 --> 01:18:57,273 MADSEN: [in voice-over] I don't ask many questions anymore. 1227 01:18:58,233 --> 01:19:02,905 I just stay and watch small hands become larger hands. 1228 01:19:03,072 --> 01:19:06,079 DAD: Hold my hand. Ready. 1229 01:19:06,121 --> 01:19:08,665 MADSEN: Single-syllable words become multi. 1230 01:19:09,577 --> 01:19:11,914 JOJO: Ready, Uncle Madsen? MADSEN: Ready. 1231 01:19:12,748 --> 01:19:15,751 And notice my capacity for love becoming greater 1232 01:19:15,751 --> 01:19:17,835 than I ever imagined possible. 1233 01:19:19,838 --> 01:19:22,257 [TV static] 1234 01:19:33,352 --> 01:19:37,106 [gentle music] 1235 01:19:50,536 --> 01:19:53,371 Well, here we are. 1236 01:19:53,371 --> 01:19:55,124 Leaving town yet again. 1237 01:19:58,043 --> 01:20:02,297 First day of sunshine, and I'm on my way out. 1238 01:20:03,382 --> 01:20:09,138 [music on the car radio] 1239 01:20:14,518 --> 01:20:20,983 ♪ But that was the river, this is the sea (yeah) ♪ 1240 01:20:24,486 --> 01:20:28,991 MADSEN: Kalla, you were born between a trine of powerful 1241 01:20:28,991 --> 01:20:33,245 feminine energies: your mother's, most obviously, 1242 01:20:33,245 --> 01:20:35,539 my mother's, and mine. 1243 01:20:36,331 --> 01:20:39,057 You were mid-passage from one world to the next. 1244 01:20:39,777 --> 01:20:42,004 The pain was nearly unbearable. 1245 01:20:43,760 --> 01:20:46,367 And then I cut your umbilical cord, 1246 01:20:46,842 --> 01:20:49,094 severing one being into two. 1247 01:20:50,219 --> 01:20:52,889 It was more rubbery than I could've ever imagined. 1248 01:20:52,889 --> 01:20:55,601 But in retrospect, of course it'd be that strong. 1249 01:20:57,900 --> 01:21:00,550 Your mother screamed, "Is she okay?" 1250 01:21:01,690 --> 01:21:05,943 I said, "Yes, baby. She's perfect. 1251 01:21:05,943 --> 01:21:07,112 She's perfect." 1252 01:21:07,112 --> 01:21:11,450 ♪ That was the river 1253 01:21:11,450 --> 01:21:14,952 ♪ This is the sea (yeah, yeah, yeah) 1254 01:21:17,581 --> 01:21:21,585 [music builds and echoes] 1255 01:21:24,379 --> 01:21:30,719 ♪ Because that was the river This is the sea 1256 01:21:33,472 --> 01:21:39,895 ♪ That was the river This is the sea 1257 01:21:42,272 --> 01:21:48,403 ♪ That was the river This is the sea 1258 01:21:50,906 --> 01:21:58,455 ♪ That was the river (river, river, river, river) 1259 01:21:59,414 --> 01:22:01,125 ♪ And this is the sea ♪ 1260 01:22:01,125 --> 01:22:05,504 [Jesse yells in pain] 1261 01:22:09,842 --> 01:22:12,636 -She's beautiful. Beautiful! 1262 01:22:12,636 --> 01:22:16,974 Aw, you did such a good job. She's beautiful. 1263 01:22:19,309 --> 01:22:21,520 JESSE: Is she okay? MADSEN: She's perfect, baby. 1264 01:22:21,520 --> 01:22:22,842 She's perfect. 1265 01:22:26,942 --> 01:22:29,027 ♪ The sea, yeah 1266 01:22:33,615 --> 01:22:37,119 ♪ Behold the sea 1267 01:22:44,126 --> 01:22:48,297 [gentle music] 1268 01:22:56,346 --> 01:23:01,705 ♪ I wish I could write songs about anything 1269 01:23:01,728 --> 01:23:04,521 ♪ other than death 1270 01:23:08,650 --> 01:23:14,698 ♪ But I can't go to bed without drawing the red, 1271 01:23:14,698 --> 01:23:17,701 ♪ shaving off breaths 1272 01:23:17,701 --> 01:23:23,707 ♪ Each one so heavy, each one so cumbersome 1273 01:23:23,707 --> 01:23:29,588 ♪ Each one a lead weight hanging between my lungs 1274 01:23:29,588 --> 01:23:32,507 ♪ Spilling my guts 1275 01:23:32,507 --> 01:23:38,597 ♪ Sweat on a microphone breaking my voice 1276 01:23:38,597 --> 01:23:44,269 ♪ Whenever I'm alone with you, can't talk 1277 01:23:44,269 --> 01:23:50,108 ♪ But isn't this weather nice? Are you okay? 1278 01:23:50,108 --> 01:23:55,530 ♪ Should I go somewhere else and hide my face? 1279 01:23:56,114 --> 01:24:01,577 ♪ Sprinter, learning to wait 1280 01:24:02,079 --> 01:24:08,210 ♪ Marathon running, my ankles are sprained 1281 01:24:13,799 --> 01:24:19,596 ♪ Marathon running, my ankles are sprained 1282 01:24:30,816 --> 01:24:36,321 ♪ Marathon running, my ankles are sprained ♪