[pensive music]
Downloaded from YTS.MX
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
[ethereal voices sing]
[TV static]
[voices and music become haunting]
MADSEN: In this world, most people think that who you are
is a compilation of things that've happened to you
or a series of choices you made,
maybe the circumstances you were born into.
[music continues, talking and laughing in home videos]
Did you choose the right friends?
Did your mother love you good enough?
How did you become who you became?
[old recording of Chopin's Prelude in E minor]
[phone rings]
-Hey. How are you?
Good.
I'm doing it now.
What's the weather like there?
Do I need hats and gloves and stuff or?
Okay.
You gonna tell me what happened?
Case dismissed.
Thank God.
-[on phone] You know, I guess they could do anything.
But it'd be awfully hard to accuse her of murder
when she was found not guilty of child abuse.
-Did she say that?
-I mean, there wasn't very far after that
the prosecutor could go.
[traffic passes nearby]
RADIO: Red Wings beat the Ottawa Senators 3 to 2 last night.
98.5 UPS. The morning hustle. Good morning.
♪ She's the kinda lady Gonna love you twice
♪ Ain't gonna take no preachers advice
♪ She's coming on me like a hurricane.
♪ I got to see the movie 'cause her body's insane
♪ I'm gonna save your soul sister
♪ I'm gonna save your soul
♪ I'm gonna save your soul sister
♪ I'm gonna save your soul.... ♪
[distorted ambient music fills the space]
ADULT: Maybe I just heard about like
the teenage years or something.
[radio static]
CHILD: To remember something means to dismember memory.
[pulses echo, static whirs, morphing into ambient music]
[car tires scraping over the snow]
MADSEN: The town I grew up in is 10 miles south
of the 45th parallel.
That's the halfway point between the Equator and North Pole.
[gentle ambient music mixes with machinery humming]
It's an old sawmill town,
surrounded by lakes,
split by rivers and highways.
[freezing rain crackles against the snow]
CHILD: It's said that when you enter this town,
you enter the River Time Zone,
where time has no meaning.
[water rushes]
[child wailing, many conversations at once]
[mixer whirs as conversations continues]
-Gramma? -What.
You cream them together.
-I guess it went well. He's not in jail.
So...
I haven't asked anybody, though, how it went.
But I guess it went okay.
But we were really expecting the worst because, you know.
[many conversations continue, a baby cries]
-Uncle Dave, you wanna say it? -Sure.
Eternal Father in Heaven, we gather together as family
to celebrate this Christmas time of the year.
Remember those members of our family that are not with us,
long since departed, and are grateful for their direction
and guidance through our lives.
Pay particular attention to them at this time.
We also celebrate the life of our savior and brother,
Jesus Christ, this time of the year.
[conversations continue]
MADSEN: In the Mormon tradition, your blood family
is an eternal bond:
a unit that exists beyond the mortal world.
And parents have no greater responsibility
than to raise children.
[cooking show plays on TV]
DAD: Dang. I got way too many grand-kids in here.
Wanna see a picture of them?
MADSEN: How come you guys don't keep any
more recent pictures of me around the house?
-In here? -No, around the house.
-I don't know. Ask your mom.
We've got one of Anthony, Freddy, and Anna.
Can you see her stubby little toes on that screen?
MADSEN: [laughing]
DAD: Sticking up above that thing. Get your feet down.
-I'll put 'em down. She's not filming yet, is she?
He.
DAD: [on video] Making a snowman for Angie.
Oh. Falling apart.
Hey, Angela!
[subtle electronica plays]
CHILD: When you leave a place, the place
goes on living without you.
This is painfully obvious, yet humans manage to
forget it over and over.
-How are you gonna tell?
How's he gonna know when to close?
-He'll wrap it up.
He doesn't need to keep going on and on.
-Okay.
Let's get this over with, guys. No mess ups.
-OK.
MOM: So, when you're ready for us to start,
just say, "Action" so I know to start.
[quiet conversations nearby]
-Action.
-Are you having breakfast, or are you having lunch?
-I'm having breakfast.
-What are you doing, Jess?
-Probably lunch. -Lunch?
You've never been much of a breakfast eater.
["Last Kiss" plays]
♪ Well, where, oh where can my baby be?
♪ The Lord took her away from me
♪ She's gone to heaven, so I got to be good,
♪ so I can see my baby when I leave this world.... ♪
-What are you having, Jesse? -Probably a sandwich.
-All right. Hamburger?
-How much longer is this gonna be?
♪ There in the road, straight ahead.... ♪
-Did you get what you needed?
♪ The car was stalled The engine was dead
♪ I couldn't stop, so I swerved to the right
♪ Never forget the sound that night.... ♪
MADSEN: This event has happened three times now.
Once when you just watched it, once when I staged
and filmed it, and then the first time, when four days
after Kalla's funeral, we walked into this diner
and sat down for lunch.
It was my sister's first time out of the house in two weeks.
What’s happening Grandma?
There’s Uncle Madsen.
He’s definitely Uncle Madsen.
["Last Kiss" plays in video]
MADSEN: From the silence, this song came on the jukebox.
♪ Where oh where can my baby be....
-Was that the music that was playing in there that day?
That was pretty ironic.
[kid speaking indistinctly]
MADSEN: No one seemed to notice it but me.
-Makes me wanna cry. -I know.
-I can't believe that was on there.
JESS: [in video] Probably a sandwich.
[baby cries in the living room]
[on video] How much longer is this gonna be?
MADSEN: I've periodically considered the possibility
that I dreamt this.
But I'm so certain it happened.
My mother's crying because the song is about a lost baby.
[door closes]
DAD: Yep. Pretty good over there.
[rhythmic tapping]
[whispers as he counts]
33 loads of lumber this week.
33 semi-loads of hardwood lumber shipped out.
Here, I'll show you something else.
Mom, you. I think that's you.
MADSEN: That's me.
-Jesse and Kalla.
Our little Kalla when she was a little,
sweet little baby.
And Kalla shortly before she died.
[wind roars, distorted ambient music plays]
MADSEN: I wanna pause a moment to clarify
that this is not an image of Kalla.
For some reason, I just feel like
I can't share those right now.
Albeit hazy, it is absolutely an image of my sister, Jesse.
[warm, slow music plays]
MOM: You know, when we went over to Cadillac that morning,
we were driving over, it was a morning
just like this in February.
It was all gray.
Seems like a little bit of sun was peeking out.
It was snow-covered.
Jesse called me, crying, and said,
"Mom, I'm in the back of the police car,
and the ambulance is in front of me.
And we're on our way to the hospital with Kalla.
I found her in her crib this morning not breathing."
[tender music, wind blowing]
And then the numbness set in and the funeral.
And Jesse was just kinda out of it.
Oh. And then the investigation of how she died set in,
and then our second nightmare
on top of our first nightmare began.
[clanking of a flag against a flag pole in the wind]
You know, at first at the hospital when we asked what
happened, they had no reason to believe there was anything
but a tragic accident.
So, we were kinda shocked when we saw that changing.
And he, Golnick came to our house
and started questioning us.
[droning music]
-They came constantly, night and day.
They would try to come at night.
They'd try to get you to be a little sleepy,
or they'd hope that you have a little drink in you
or something like that, you know.
And they'd come 9, 10, 11:00.
Then they'd come back at 8 in the morning,
9 in the morning.
Doctors and police and stuff, they're swearing to it,
that you committed this murder.
And you're like, "Who am I?
I'm some ex-convict with a violent past,
and they're gonna believe me over five doctors?"
Here you can have this one. You can have it.
-That's too much JoJo.
[voices on TV]
NEWSCASTER: ...build the electoral
college to safeguard the American people
from the dangers of the demagogue....
MADSEN: Two weeks after Kalla's death,
my sister married David.
The first time I met him was at the funeral.
They'd been living together less than a week when she died.
MOM: Because Jesse was believing in David and not leaving him,
then they began to suspect perhaps
Jesse had something to do with it.
And CPS got involved, Child Protective Services, and...
they charged her and David with child abuse.
DAD: [in old video] Hello, Jesse!
[distorted music, TV static]
CHILD: What do you say when you console a child
from a nightmare?
You tell them that it will be okay,
that nothing will hurt them.
As if they have some kind of special immunity from suffering.
DAD: No, no, no.
Daddy told you not to give the puppy that.
CHILD: When they discover that they are not immune,
they will hold this lie against you for the rest of your life.
[baby crying]
-Baby.
[sobbing continues]
JESSE: Shh, you're okay. Yeah, you're okay.
MADSEN: What else?
-You wanna hear about our other kid we lost?
-Well, we've lost two: a grandchild and a daughter.
-We had a little girl named Angela.
She was quite the character.
And we never talked about it before,
but she was quite the little sweetheart.
[child giggles]
MADSEN: So, you would equate my transition with Kalla's death.
DAD: Well, you got all the memories
of a little girl growing up.
MOM: I think it would be the same thing if you had
a child and something happened to that child,
and they no longer were the same person.
You would grieve, you know, who they were for the years
that they were someone different.
DAD: [in video] You wanna go to the beach or not?
MOM: And once I realized I had to grieve that as a loss,
then it helped with my acceptance a lot better,
in regards to your decision to transition.
[wind howls]
[TV static roars]
[door creaks open]
[fast footsteps crunch on the packed snow]
MADSEN: Earlier today, my parents told me I was dead,
and they had to grieve me.
If I hadn't been so completely caught off guard
by this comment, I maybe could have responded.
But I was shocked because...
I've just worked so hard to be alive.
[breathing heavily after running]
[whispers] Fuck.
Ugh.
It's really beautiful out right now.
I don't know if you can see.
Might be too dark.
[wind blows, breath softens]
[swelling music]
CHILD: Zeus's daughter, Aphrodite,
could transform herself into a fish to swim from harm.
But long gone are the tales of shape-shifting,
sex-changing gods.
In this world, there's no escape from pain, nor body,
time, nor death.
[distorted music plays]
[music suddenly gives way to gentle wind chimes tinkling]
MOM: The death certificate was issued.
And on the death certificate was "Homicide and child abuse
that occurred monthly, weekly, daily."
And that probably was—
-It said that on the certificate?
-Uh-huh. -It said, "Monthly,
weekly, daily?"
-Uh-huh. And that was probably the point
when we knew something was wrong because we had Kalla.
We had Kalla three days prior to her death,
and we knew there was no beating or bruising
monthly, weekly, and daily.
'Cause we would've had to be involved in that.
Rusty Rivets.
[machinery clanks, radio plays]
DAD: Pathologists stated that Kalla died of acute brain bleed,
she was slammed against a wall,
and that she had bruises all over her body and was beaten
and abused for quite a while.
DAD: Golnick's been down there before on cases,
and they've known each other and go,
I'll tell you exactly what he said to me and what I believe
he probably said to her: "This guy's a scumbag
and he's been in jail before, and he killed this baby.
And we're gonna get him," you know.
And then she just kinda let the report slide the way,
lean toward the way he wanted it to go.
-All right. [heavy sigh]
You can edit stuff out, right?
MADSEN: Yeah.
-So, I was kept in complete isolation,
maximum security, one hour a day out of my cell.
And just constant, people yelling,
"Baby killer! Baby Killer," everywhere I went.
To stay sane in jail, I just prayed a lot,
and I wrote Jesse letters like nonstop.
JESSE: Oh, an apple!
Huh?
JOJO: Uh-oh! JESSE: Where'd it go?
MADSEN: If Jesse doesn't get to a point where she ever wants to
talk to me, I'm not gonna like, try to make—
DAVID: I think she'll talk to you, I just don't think that—
She's been forced to relive the events of that weekend
so many times that it just sets her back mentally.
And that's just not how she copes.
That's not her coping mechanism.
-Mom, I can't hear it! I can't hear it!
Mommy, I can't hear it!!
JESSE: There.
[toddler mumbles]
MADSEN: When David was released for the last time,
Levi was 11 months old.
You go to jail!
MADSEN: You go to jail! You're the bad guy!
No, I'm not the bad guy, I'm Batman!
MADSEN: All right.
I'm in jail now.
Can I come out of jail?
-No. -Why?
Because you can't!
[door rattles]
-Levi.
[screams with delight]
[door closes]
[wind blows]
[traffic passing]
MOM: Are you gonna try to use this stuff
and kinda make a film of it?
You haven't decided yet how you're putting it together?
MADSEN: Well, I'm trying to weave these different
strands of stories.
-I hope for the sake of Kalla that you can present it
in a way that's not...
vile.
"Vile" may not be a good word, but well,
sometimes your work can be very....
I don't know what the word for it is,
but sometimes your work can be kinda out there.
[distorted electronic music]
[Dad and JoJo talk in the next room]
MADSEN: The vileness my mom's referring to is
my reverence around sexuality.
To me, sex is a cosmic thing, inherently linked to death
because both are conduits to other worlds.
Both are about endings but also beginnings.
DAD: Pick up the pears for me, Levi.
MADSEN: You don't get to the pregnancy
and giving of life part without the sex part.
MOM: What do you got? Carrots?
-Uh-uh.
MADSEN: No one knows that more intimately than mothers.
CHILD: Your mother is the first awesome miracle
that will haunt you your whole life.
[music with ethereal voices]
[Country music]
♪ When Heaven made you, darling,
♪ They made a dream come true
♪ And I'll always thank Heaven
♪ for sending me you
♪ An angel, sweet and perfect, in everything you do
♪ And my darling— ♪
RADIO: Only getting into the mid-20s today,
a little colder, northwest winds gusting to 25.
Snow showers will diminish after dark.
In fact, after dark, pretty quiet tonight.
Late tonight, a little snow, mainly north
as our next system arrives. Winds turning out of the south.
Temperatures staying around 20.
And then tomorrow, occasional snow showers,
highs in the mid—
MADSEN: There's us. We're in bed.
Say, "Good morning, America."
Can you say, "Good morning, America?"
JOJO: Morning, good morning, America.
MADSEN: Good.
JESSE: Up at 7:30.
All three diapers changed as soon as I wake up.
Then breakfast at 8:00 for all three including,
for the three babies and the bigger kids.
Then, when breakfast is done, clean up breakfast,
cartoon time, and then it's gonna be snack time.
And after snack time is all done,
then it's gonna be nap time.
And 12:00-3:00 is what I call "quiet time."
After that, then it's just chaos,
but my day's almost over.
[banging on glass]
MADSEN: Two months after Kalla's death,
my sister was pregnant with Levi.
This cycle repeats itself three times.
One, two, three.
Three children for three years gone.
[family sings "Happy Birthday" to Levi]
MADSEN: Do you think that Jesse's repetitive breeding
is a way to fill that hole?
MOM: Yeah. I think that she really,
what's the word I'm thinking about,
yearns to hold that baby in her arms.
And once those babies start to get bigger,
they don't give her that same feeling.
[church choir singing]
MADSEN: I have another question for my mom,
but I can't quite figure out how to ask it.
So, I ask around it.
♪ But for me, a sinner, He suffered,
♪ He bled, and died ♪
MOM: It was only shortly after Kalla had passed away,
and there were some new missionaries
that came out from Idaho.
And we were telling them our story, and one day
they said, "You know, we have a church member
that is a pathologist.
He might be able to give you a second opinion of the autopsy."
DAD: We met with Dr. Ormsbee after church on Sunday,
and he took the autopsy report.
And it was old blood that was on the slides.
He said, "That baby was not abused.
That baby died of a chronic brain bleed."
And a chronic brain bleed is one that's been going
for probably weeks or months.
[distorted music]
MADSEN: My mom believes the doctor was a messenger,
a testament to the truth of the Mormon faith.
CHILD: She also believes that there are many gods
and goddesses in the cosmos.
That in the celestial kingdom, 1,000 years is equivalent
to a single day.
And that after death, the physical body
will be reunited with the spirit body.
[water trickles]
And while she's been telling those
of us around her that she loves us.
Today she's telling heavenly father
how much she loves him.
MADSEN: You're watching a video from my baptism
when I was eight years old.
I wouldn't trouble you with this memory,
but I have to tell you that when I came out of the water
that day, everything felt different.
Because when you have a revelation, you acknowledge
a need, a desire for something outside
and beyond yourself.
DAD: [in old video] 1991, Angela just got baptized
in Lake Margrethe.
There's Angela!
MADSEN: You start assessing the borders between
belief and truth.
What you know and what you trust.
NEWSCASTER 1: An I-Team investigation uncovers
the child abuse convictions of dozens of people in Michigan
are now being called into question.
NEWSCASTER 2: And the tragic death of a three-year-old girl
here in West Michigan has opened up some new conversations
about whether innocent people are sitting in prison
for crimes they did not commit.
Tonight, the I-Team's Brian Duffy shares his findings
in a special report.
NEWSCASTER 3: Research is casting doubt on....
MOM: They knew that if David and Jesse were found not guilty of
child abuse, what would that do to their criminal case?
So, they ultimately ended up dropping the criminal case.
[gentle music]
MADSEN: Does Jesse ever talk about anything that happened?
DAD: No, Jesse don't talk about Kalla at all.
[fire crackles as wind blows]
[crunching steps in snow, crackling fire]
MADSEN: At first, I wanted to make a film about injustice.
And here we are.
You know hardly anything about the investigation,
and you know the tip of the iceberg about a random family
in nowhere Michigan.
MOM: Get some popsicles. The kids love popsicles.
This is what they like, right here.
MADSEN: I would, however, like to take this moment to tell you,
that the lead detective on this case is now
a dogcatcher somewhere in Florida,
and the corrupt Child Protective Service worker
got fired after leaving a bar drunk to pick up
a four-year-old child.
DAVID: It was all bits and pieces, really.
Definitely not something I like to try to remember
or talk about.
DAD: Well, I'm gonna take my favorite duck home.
MADSEN: What's your favorite duck?
DAD: This one. MADSEN: Why?
-Look at it.
Look at the wood patterns on the wood,
block of wood it was carved out of.
You can see parts of the red in the eye.
[machines whir and rush in the next room]
[radio news plays as machines grind and clank]
[distorted electronic music]
CHILD: Memory must be created against
an abundance of information.
But also against an absence.
It has to be constructed.
You assemble the fractures, arrange the incidences
to build a story.
WEATHER REPORT: Notice the surge of Arctic air settling
across the Central Plains.
We'll see our temperatures actually tumble on Saturday....
[voice melts into a cacophony of sounds and ambient music]
[music fades into quiet conversations in the shop]
MADSEN: The moment something terrible ends is the moment
you begin to ingest how terrible it really was.
ON TV: Children dying.
It's got to be emotionally draining.
There is an ever-present sense of loss.
She's constructed an emotional shield to protect
her unconscious from turmoil.
[slow steps on the stairs]
[child talking]
- Uncle Mad... - What the fuck? Jesse!
Jesse! Dad, call 911.
Jess, let me in!
Jess, please let me in. - What's happening?
- Jess, please let me in, honey.
- What's happening?
[door crashes]
Hi, I need an ambulance immediately.
- I want mama.
- Hello, my sister's unconscious so we called 911.
- What's happening with Momma?
What's happening?
Did Momma die?
[Oldies play on car radio as ambulance siren wails]
[engine rumbles]
MOM: You know, I, she—
You know, the depression is so deep that
she doesn't even, she can't make good,
safe decisions for those babies.
Last six weeks...
last six weeks she's been behaving
like she used to behave when she was on drugs.
[kids' show plays on TV]
[conversation in the next room]
MOM: What happened yesterday was really just a manifestation
of what has been happening since Kalla died.
You put it away, but it doesn't go away.
You know, I think the fact that she wouldn't reach out to you
when you were right there just goes to show you how she copes.
She—
MADSEN: She came in, and she did that laughing thing
that she does. MOM: Mmhmm.
MADSEN: And I... didn't, I didn't,
you know, I don't know. I didn't think to....
-Well, you don't. -What to say or do.
-Yeah. Or you don't think that she's in distress because she,
that's how she laughs it off.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
I think the revisiting of this story with you,
even to the simple little thing that probably didn't hit us
so hard was going to Steven's.
Because that was something we had done together. And—
MADSEN: Did you remember that we had done that?
MOM: Mmhmm. I remember that we had done that.
I remember the surreal-ness of that.
And I suspect even if she didn't really remember it consciously,
that there was some of that circular grieving that was
starting to surface in her.
[haunting music]
MADSEN: My sister is the most impenetrable person I know.
I've been trying to understand her since her first overdose,
over 10 years ago.
But I wasn't always trying.
[oldies playing on TV]
MOM: Jesse, you know, looking back,
she is so resilient and such a survivor.
'Cause, you know, she always felt like she was not as smart
or as talented as you.
And then as we got older, you know,
life became such a struggle for you,
and some of your demands became so overwhelming for us.
And then Jesse started having problems,
but she didn't wanna tell us because she felt like
we had our hands full with you.
And then when she got pregnant for Kalla,
she came and moved in with us
and gave up all the drugs and focused her life on Kalla.
So, Kalla was a blessing in that sense.
[watery heartbeat on ultrasound]
[ambient music]
CHILD: Most humans emerge into the world with a name,
a family, a neighborhood.
Your insides are filled with memories of togetherness
and alone-ness, mixed with limitless desires,
sensations of unspeakable beauty, awe, mystery.
[distorted recording of child's piano song]
But children of a certain age believe that fate is moral.
That bad things happen because you were bad.
MOM: Well, you hung around with a pretty strong
group of friends.
And none of them became addicts, and you did.
That makes you wonder why were you the one of all of those
that became an addict?
JESSE: Rich kids, who grew up in mansions
would get addicted to drugs.
Anybody can get addicted to drugs, Mom.
What do you think, Madsen?
[turn signal clicks]
MADSEN: I sorta checked out over the last couple minutes.
Sorry. What?
JESSE: She was saying that it didn't make sense that—
MADSEN: I just had a thought that I was like,
"I need to check out from this conversation.
It's too intense." MOM: Aw.
JESSE: Everything is too intense for you!
Can't you just, like, slow your brain down?
Like, don't think so hard.
[piercing ambient music]
MADSEN: I screwed up at the end. I said the wrong part!
TEACHER: Don't worry about it.
FRIEND: It's okay. You ran out of tape.
JESSE: You were an angry teenager.
One time, do you know what you said to me?
You said to me, "I'm gonna push you out that window
and take pictures of your decapitated body."
Yeah, you were a fruitcake.
[Levi chatters]
JESSE: You had problems growing up,
probably because you were a man in a woman's body,
and you were taking it out on me.
DAD: Whoa, baby!
Show us them muscles in your arms.
JESSE: You were abusive.
You were emotionally and physically abusive.
And you're probably why I had a drug problem when I grew up.
MADSEN: There's no other times you felt taken care of by me?
[TV plays in the background]
JESSE: Mm-mm.
No, no other times I can remember.
[wind rushes]
MADSEN: Big feelings scare me.
This is well documented by my trail of failed relationships
with emotionally expressive people who feel that I have
what may be called an empathy problem.
I don't know if this is something I developed
or just always had.
Tell me.
Is stoicism only for men?
[Country music]
♪ When I was a little boy, taken from my mama,
♪ Down the dusty road, never seen again
♪ Gamble all my money, drink all my money,
♪ Give you all my money, just tell me what to do
♪ Oh, oh, I sing these blues.... ♪
[song continues in the bar]
DAVID: Some things are so ingrained in you that
it's hard to get rid of them.
You're kind of a product of your environment,
but you can only blame that to a certain extent.
Once you're an adult, you have to start making
your own decisions and choices, so.
Get back.
You can't go through life saying,
"My daddy spanked me or was an alcoholic,
so I'm gonna be a piece of crap the rest of my life."
That's not really part of growing up
and having accountability.
[ethereal music]
CHILD: In your world, there's a tension between what it means
to be a good man and what it means to be a real man.
You are told that fracturing is unbecoming.
That a picture of wholeness is by far more satisfying.
Stronger.
[camera shutter clicks]
[ethereal music continues] [indistinct speech]
MADSEN: Snotface? Are you a snotface?
JESSE: I can see him sitting in the chair.
MADSEN: Is he awake? JESSE: Uh-uh.
[footsteps crunching on the gravel]
MADSEN: Passed out?
JESSE: I can tell when I'm looking at him,
'cause he looks different, you know what I mean?
You know when you know somebody well enough,
you know when they're like—
MADSEN: Yeah, you know when they're fucked up.
JESSE: 'Cause I could see him through the window,
and he was just like this, in the chair.
[kids playing]
MADSEN: Oh, you can't be around it.
You're not strong enough yet.
JESSE: I'm going around seeing shit, you know.
Like obviously, I can't be the—
MADSEN: You're not the rock right now.
JESSE: —the strength of the relationship. Huh?
-You're not the rock right now. -No, yeah.
-And that's okay. People take turns being rocks.
-That's right. -But like....
-[heavy sigh]
If he's in re-, he'll never, he needs rehab.
And he would hate that, absolutely hate that.
'Cause his dad was always in rehab when he was growing up.
What day are you leaving? -Tomorrow morning.
-Madsen! You told me you were gonna stay the extra day.
-I did. Today is the extra day.
-It is? -Mmhmm.
-No.
Because my psychiatrist appointment is tomorrow at 2:00.
-The extra day that I was staying was for
David's arraignment this morning.
Shit!
Okay. Well, how about Friday?
[crickets chirping as traffic passes]
[rock music plays on the car radio]
[subway train roars along tracks]
[upbeat music, many conversations at once]
FRIEND: Madsen! You dick.
We just had a brilliant idea.
[punk music plays in the background]
MADSEN: My mom asked the church elders about me.
They tell her that if God truly intended for me to be a man
then I'd be given the correct genitals in the afterlife.
I'm clearly not the only one who puts sex and death
in the same sentence.
[ambient music, birds singing]
[music gently fades out to radio static]
[kids talking in the background]
My dad believes that it's our human duty to reproduce.
DAD: He had a revelation. He had a visit.
MADSEN: Because before Christ can return,
all souls must populate a body.
It's our human job to offer those souls a body to occupy.
[kids yelling in the background]
In this line of thought, a body that does not reproduce
is inherently less valuable.
CHILD: Are you less valuable?
- What do you got Ang?
Ah, a little baby.
Jesse got a baby too.
JESSE: Where, how do babies, how does the baby
come out of my belly?
- You push it out your butt?
JESSE: Mmhmm.
LEVI: Oowie!
JESSE: And do you want it to be a baby boy or baby girl?
LEVI: Me? JESSE: Yeah.
LEVI: I'm not going to be a baby!
JESSE: No, the baby in my belly.
[baby crying] You want it to be a baby boy or baby girl?
Levi, Levi.
You didn't say anything about it.
LEVI: Whoa! Owie! MADSEN: Are you happy about it?
-Yeah! Aren't you?
-Stoked!
-You guys are all party poopers.
LEVI: Wheeee!
Ooh. Ow.
Uncle Madsen! Uncle Madsen!
Hey, stop!
You stop messing with my clock, mister!
[haunting music]
CHILD: Ancients thought that time was cyclical,
related to the rotation of the celestial bodies.
The movement of stars and planets.
It's only since the Christian re-definition of time
that you think about time as irreversible,
with a beginning, genesis, and end, apocalypse.
[ethereal voices singing]
Would you like to tell them now?
MADSEN: I know this is non-linear, but I have
another piece of an earlier story to tell you.
A month before Kalla's death,
she fell down the stairs.
She suffered a slow brain bleed that was undetected
by the immediate ER visit and CT scan.
To add pain to pain,
she had tripped on her blanket.
She was in the process of seeking comfort.
David was watching her.
CHILD'S VOICE: Close your eyes, and tap your heels together
three times, and think to yourself,
"There's no place like home.
There's no place like home.
There's no place like home."
-One. -There's no place like home.
-Two. -There's no place like home.
-Goodbye, Dorothy!
[stirring music]
[applause and cheers]
[many conversations]
MADSEN: What do you think?
JESSE: It's improved drastically from the last one.
MADSEN: From when we were in school?
JESSE: No, just from the last one I took Levi to.
They didn't have microphones or anything with Levi here before.
Or wands.
MADSEN: All right, what do you want to eat?
JESSE: Whatever. You gotta be hungry, too.
-I am, but I'm not really eating fast food right now, so.
I'll eat at the house.
-Oh. So, you're just not going to eat anything?
-I'll make something at the house.
-So, are you buying my food? -Yeah, I'm buying your food.
-Um...Taco Bell, or?
[car warning] -Are you wearing a seat-belt?
-No. -Put a seat-belt on.
-I forgot.
-Oh my god, turn it up.
♪ Whispers at the bus stop
♪ Well, I've heard about nights out in the school yard
♪ I found out about you
♪ I found out about you.... ♪
So, Sherry called me about, I don't know,
7:00 in the morning, 'cause we started at 6:00.
She says, "Fred, I got a problem."
I said, "What?"
She said, "David's drunk at work here."
I said, "Oh, really?" She says, "Yup."
She says, "Would you come and take him in for his test?
'Cause I think it'd kinda be awkward if I tell him.
I didn't want him to...."
You know, I think they were leery about him
getting aggressive or something.
But I said, "All right, I'll be there."
So, I zipped into work there and...
definitely drunk.
He's got a few addictions.
So, Mom and I been praying every night for that.
There's a car.
LEVI: They're here! JESSE: Who's here?!
MADSEN: Hi, Benny!
[TV plays] JESSE: We're all really sick.
We got a bad cough and cold, so make sure
you sanitize your hands a lot.
Please don't tape record me now. Are you serious?
I haven't taken a shower in like three days.
DAD: Take him, Mom. I'm working up a sweat here.
MADSEN: When David is at his worst,
Jesse and all the kids stay at Mom and Dad's.
He visits, but only during the day.
He doesn't wanna talk to me anymore.
JESSE: What are you doing?
MADSEN: I see you got your tooth fixed.
-Mmhmm. It's still sensitive.
-Yeah.
-Like, I prefer to drink out of a straw.
MADSEN: Her teeth were replaced this week.
She says she fell in the shower.
Everyone believes her.
JESSE: Only happens to me, this kinda stuff.
Yeah.
MADSEN: What do you think it is about you that attracts
this kind of fun stuff?
JESSE: I guess God thinks I can handle it,
but apparently he's wrong.
You know how they say you don't get what you can't handle?
You know what I mean?
[kids playing and talking]
MOM: What kinda jet is that? Papa probably knows.
Papa used to be in the Air Force,
and he would fly on a plane like this.
Gram, would this kill somebody?
[Benny whimpers nearby]
MOM: So, he brought the picture of Kalla out a couple weeks ago,
and he said to me, "Gramma, who's this?"
And I said, "That's Kalla." And he said, "Who's Kalla?"
And I said, "Kalla was your older sister."
And he said, "Well, where is she?"
I said, "Well, Kalla died."
And he said, "Well, where did she go?"
And I said, "Well, when you die, you go to Heaven."
And she said, "Well, how did she die?"
And I said, "She fell and hit her head."
And he said, "Where was my mom?"
And I said, "Well, your mama wasn't there when she fell."
But I didn't bother to say that your daddy was home with her,
but I said, "Your mama wasn't there when she fell."
And then he was like, "Oh."
And then he never asked any more questions.
He didn't say, "Where was Daddy? Where was Papa?"
He said, "Where was Mama?"
'Cause I guess he's convinced Mama would have stopped it
from happening if Mama would've been there.
CHILD: In early life, the veil between worlds is lowered.
But when children develop memory and imagination,
they also begin to understand time.
There are things that were and things that are
and things that will be.
MOM: You know, there's the grief of losing...
the grief of losing all those rites of passage
that you experience with a child.
And those are all taken from you.
Because that's changed, it's a hard thing to adapt to.
[children singing]
MADSEN: Sometimes it's unclear if Mom is talking
about you or about me.
CHILD: She's talking about you.
You, who is very much alive.
MADSEN: But also you.
[pensive music]
CHILD: Some endings are lost in a sea of beginnings.
MADSEN: [whispers] I know.
JESSE: Look at how awake you are!
[kisses baby]
Look how awake you are, little guy!
LEVI: Mom, can I hold him? JESSE: Sure, come on up.
Let's wrap him up first so he stays nice and warm.
Okay, lean against the couch.
All right, are you comfy?
-Oh, I don't, I don't actually wanna hold him.
-I'll stay right by you.
-No, I don't. -No? Okay.
You just wanna check him out? -Mmhmm.
-Okay.
He's nervous.
[JoJo talking]
LEVI: Lookit! Uncle Madsen, look over there!
[fire crackles]
[firework booms]
DAVID: Fireworks. LEVI: Huh?
-Fireworks. -Why?
[continue talking quietly]
MADSEN: I feel a deep sense of sorrow for this man.
For the things that've happened, but also,
because he was never told that being a good man
is the same thing as being a good person.
[Country music]
♪ Been wasting my time talking to you
♪ it just don't do me no good
♪ you can turn my way or you can walk away
♪ or you can love me like you should
[music builds in intensity]
♪ Well, I can— ♪
REPORTER 1: Great temperatures! The heat continues on.
REPORTER 2: Yeah, you're right: a nice weekend coming up,
at least Saturday, as you mentioned.
Maybe a little rain later Sunday.
We'll talk more about that coming up in a few minutes,
but it was a nice day today.
[marching band plays "The Battle Hymn of the Republic"]
CHILD: Humans create stories to explain things,
to understand the world they occupy.
You already know that.
But when you lie to yourself long enough,
you begin to believe a particular version of a story.
[waves softly roll]
MADSEN: Hang on.
JESSE: Are you ready? MADSEN: No.
-Ugh, the camera.
-First, tell me what really happened to your teeth.
-My teeth got kicked in by my husband.
And I'm all fixed.
But they're chipping off again.
See? Right there. But—
-Why did he do that?
-He was drunk.
[kids play in the next room]
And I instantly felt the flood, and I went.
Hm-hmm-mm!
I kinda did one of these to walk away from Levi,
but it was everywhere.
He was like, "Mom you're bleeding.
You're bleeding" I was like, "I'm okay!"
I just did the best I could.
-Yeah.
-Before, I constantly had black eyes and bloody lips.
All the time. -I know.
-And I would say, and Mom thought that I was like....
She told me a couple days ago, I got really upset with her
like a week ago because she sent me this long text saying
about how I have these children to take care of,
and I'm obviously in a state of hypomanic,
or what's that word? Hypoman-?
-Mania? -Yeah, hypomania.
She thinks that if I put on makeup or lose baby weight,
that I'm acting manic-y, like.
But really, I'm just not pregnant.
I've been pregnant for four years.
Yeah, I'm right here.
Yeah?
Yeah?!
DAD: Don't just leave him like that with Benny.
JESSE: Sorry. DAD: Hanging all over him.
MOM: Should we all go on a blankie hunt together?
Oh, Mama found it first.
[kids calling out]
MADSEN: The cycles of pregnancies and births
and depressions have historically ended
in breakdowns or relapses.
And I've spent the last five years trying to accept
my powerlessness to change this.
LEVI: Lookit.
DAD: I got a little orangutan. I smuggled him in.
[many voices]
BENNY: Grandpa, here comes Daddy!
DAD: Well, I gotta keep playing with this baby.
Don't push him, Ben.
Sometimes I try to take pictures of Mommy and Daddy,
and sometimes Mom and Daddy get apart,
and Mommy goes over here and Daddy goes over there.
But I need Daddy to stay right here
and Mommy to stay right here,
but sometimes I can't take pictures though,
because Daddy and Mommy don't really like each other
when they get really close
because Daddy doesn't really like Mom.
Well, he does when she puts lipstick on,
but now she's not wearing it.
MADSEN: What do you got?
JOJO: A flower.
MADSEN: Oh, show me the flower.
If Mommy and Daddy see this flower, they will never part.
If they see this flower that I'm holding in my hand
Mommy and Daddy will just do "like this!"
And no one will ever see Daddy ever again.
Well, we don't usually see him.
Mmm!
Wait a minute.
Yuck!
MADSEN: You know that girls don't have to wear lipstick
to be pretty, right? -Yeah.
-Some girls don't wear any lipstick,
and they're beautiful.
JOJO: I see! Look!
A baby plant and a mommy plant!
[sings]
[punk music plays]
♪ So long to mysterious
[tattoo machine buzzes]
JESSE: Jeremy, be gentle. It's my first time.
[music grows louder, machine buzzes steadily]
Shouldn't it hurt more the first time?
Isn't that how it works? -Were you drunk?
-It's your shoulder. -Yeah, so?
TATTOO ARTIST: All right. Go check that out.
-We're done? -Yeah.
-The suntan is really burning.
Could you put that away for a little bit?
MADSEN: Looks good.
JESSE: It's been going on since I saw you.
-Okay. -I'm just saying.
FRIEND: Memories, Jesse.
JESSE: Yeah, it's always— He's uncomfortable without it.
Obviously.
[tattoo machine buzzes]
JESSE: I'm gonna smoke. -Okay.
JESSE: Bobby, how is a body like a back road?
TATTOO ARTIST: All the bumps and curves.
JESSE: Yeah, I know I'm pretty good at being
a cameraman, huh? I know.
I'll just tape.
[ice bangs into the cup]
MOM: Unless she's documented domestic violence by calling
the police or making a police report,
she can't have him move.
If she put his name on the house, it's his house.
So, you know, figuring out how we can do that.
DAD: Well, if she tells him, "You gotta take your name
off the house."
[TV plays]
MOM: 'Cause if she would've filed,
she would've had more, you know.
I don't, I doubt very much that Jesse gave them the reason
why her front teeth were broken and her bottom teeth.
But I also know, and everyone else does too,
that victims of domestic violence often don't report it.
-She gave up on changing her lifestyle, you know.
ON TV: Wake up, warm up! Wake up, warm up!
[jingle plays]
MADSEN: Do you feel responsible for a lot of the things
that have happened to Jesse?
MOM: Oh yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, I feel real sad about that.
-I feel responsible too, because
I was just such a cruel sibling.
Mmhmm.
Yeah.
[distorted, droning music]
[wooden chair creaks]
MADSEN: Most of the time, I don't know what to say.
"I'm sorry" only works if the person can hear it
or wants to hear it.
[neck cracks]
The same goes for "I love you."
JESSE: Remember when I drove my wagon down the road?
I don't know how far down the road I was,
but I felt like I was miles away.
And I stopped, and all of a sudden I couldn't see the house.
I was, like, completely lost.
So, I just stopped and stood there.
And then I saw Mom come out to the road and yell, "Jesse!"
Everybody thought I was dead or in the lake.
MADSEN: We could do that.
That'd be funny.
JESSE: I remember that like it was yesterday.
[wind rushes]
MADSEN: We recreate this event together.
We try to imagine ourselves as small bodies.
[wagon wheels clanking]
It's in moments like this where I coax her to do something
utterly ridiculous with me that I'm able to see her love.
Who else would put up with this?
MOM: Jesse!
[steps slowly crunching on leaves]
DAD: Look how he went for the sun.
Found an opening and started leaning over
in a different direction.
Had a lot of years to do that.
[a branch falls]
Oh, the ferns are growing right up between the keys.
[taps strings]
Well, it can't play anymore.
[bright piano song plays back distorted]
[boards clanking]
[machinery rumbles]
DAD: There's gonna be a brand new trucking company
coming in that's gonna help handle all the freight
coming from the new Arauco plant.
The whole town is gonna change.
[soft music on car radio as heavy machinery growls]
MADSEN: It's construction season.
The roads are widening.
And I'm trying to remember why exactly I drug us through this.
CHILD: Because you believed that the choices you've made
render you unlovable.
That the distance you enforced would
protect you from suffering.
MADSEN: That's just not true anymore.
CHILD: Then what questions have you left?
[bangs and whirs of machinery echo and build]
[gentle folk music]
♪ Take us to the river
♪ Teach us to swim upstream
♪ You say, "Life ain't no fun, get used to the fight,
♪ 'cause yeah, those currents can be real mean...." ♪
MADSEN: I think most humans spend a good chunk
of their lives trying to put distance between themselves
and where they came from.
Most literally, our mothers.
One being separating into two is absolutely myth-worthy.
[water sloshes]
CHILD: Ask it!
[whispers] Tell it.
MADSEN: I have to ask you something
really challenging for me.
And part of it's, I've wanted to ask you for a long time,
but I haven't found the right moment to.
There's just, like, one thing that sort of always is kind of
a replay in my brain that I have to ask you about,
that I'm hoping I can exorcise it.
Which is that, when I...
told you that I wanted to start taking hormones,
you had sort of an emotional response and told me
that me being trans was
God punishing you for having
had abortions before you had me.
And I just wanna ask you if you still feel that way.
MOM: I don't remember telling you that.
I don't remember saying that.
That was probably a grief response.
And I love the person you are.
And I'm sorry I said that.
-[whispers] Thank you. -Yeah.
And hopefully, you can forgive me.
[gentle electronica music]
DAD: Mom gave a talk one time in church.
She talked about Jesse, and she talked about you.
So, we all have things we have to adapt to.
That was the crux of her talk was you have to,
you love them the way they are, you know.
That's the way it is.
And if somebody doesn't like it that my daughter's transgender
or the church doesn't agree with it,
I've got a big problem with that.
So, she's very, everybody liked that too, they—
MADSEN: Did she say that? DAD: Yeah. Yep.
So, you mess with Mother Goose, man,
and you're gonna get hurt, you know.
[Old Crow Medicine Show "Wagon Wheel"]
FAMILY: ♪ So, rock me mama like a wagon wheel
♪ Rock me mama anyway you feel
♪ Hey, mama rock me
[baby cries, voices talking as guitar continues playing]
♪ Rock me mama like the wind and the rain
♪ Rock me mama like a southbound train
♪ Hey, mama rock me ♪
[guitar becomes sweeping and ethereal]
[family chatting]
MOM: Fred, come and catch this gorgeous sunset!
MADSEN: I learned a secret.
When you speak the pain's name, it dissipates.
When the pain's great, you have to speak it
over and over and over again.
I wanna go back into time and tell this secret
to all of our former selves.
CHILD: Tell it to all your future selves instead.
[swing squeaks]
JOJO: What's that noise? MADSEN: It's the squeaky chain.
MADSEN: [in voice-over] I don't ask many questions anymore.
I just stay and watch small hands become larger hands.
DAD: Hold my hand. Ready.
MADSEN: Single-syllable words become multi.
JOJO: Ready, Uncle Madsen? MADSEN: Ready.
And notice my capacity for love becoming greater
than I ever imagined possible.
[TV static]
[gentle music]
Well, here we are.
Leaving town yet again.
First day of sunshine, and I'm on my way out.
[music on the car radio]
♪ But that was the river, this is the sea (yeah) ♪
MADSEN: Kalla, you were born between a trine of powerful
feminine energies: your mother's, most obviously,
my mother's, and mine.
You were mid-passage from one world to the next.
The pain was nearly unbearable.
And then I cut your umbilical cord,
severing one being into two.
It was more rubbery than I could've ever imagined.
But in retrospect, of course it'd be that strong.
Your mother screamed, "Is she okay?"
I said, "Yes, baby. She's perfect.
She's perfect."
♪ That was the river
♪ This is the sea (yeah, yeah, yeah)
[music builds and echoes]
♪ Because that was the river This is the sea
♪ That was the river This is the sea
♪ That was the river (river, river, river, river)
♪ And this is the sea ♪
[Jesse yells in pain]
-She's beautiful. Beautiful!
Aw, you did such a good job. She's beautiful.
JESSE: Is she okay? MADSEN: She's perfect, baby.
She's perfect.
♪ The sea, yeah
♪ Behold the sea
[gentle music]
♪ I wish I could write songs about anything
♪ other than death
♪ But I can't go to bed without drawing the red,
♪ shaving off breaths
♪ Each one so heavy, each one so cumbersome
♪ Each one a lead weight hanging between my lungs
♪ Spilling my guts
♪ Sweat on a microphone breaking my voice
♪ Whenever I'm alone with you, can't talk
♪ But isn't this weather nice? Are you okay?
♪ Should I go somewhere else and hide my face?
♪ Sprinter, learning to wait
♪ Marathon running, my ankles are sprained
♪ Marathon running, my ankles are sprained ♪