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PARIS DURING LOCKDOWN
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SAVE LIVES STAY HOME
Yeah, I'm downstairs. Can you come get your order?
I asked for home delivery.
I cycled four miles, so get down here. Stop telling me what to do!
-Okay, I'm coming. -Unbelievable!
Home delivery. They're not even able to come get their orders…
These smartasses.
That's one big building!
This deodorant doesn't work.
Are you alone?
Yeah, just like you asked.
What do you want?
What do you mean? And what's that?
-Nothing, I was in the shower. -Is it true what people say about you?
No.
Well, it depends. What do they say?
Ever since COVID started,
you've been running a smuggling ring or something.
"With your crew, nobody can touch you."
You're changing the subject.
Prove it.
I can hear people. Who are they?
Nobody's here. I'm alone.
It's all in your head.
Mr. Kev, where do we put the FFP2 masks?
-Who was that? -My mom.
-No, Kev. -Well done, you got me.
Come in, I'll show you.
That's my team. They're the best.
How are you feeling tonight?
Yeah, that's great.
Sir, people said my pâté is not pât-icularly good.
But if you try it, you'll see it's a flavor pâ-rty.
I thought it was funny.
Ladies, are you here together?
I've got a joke for you.
Yesterday, a mason came here,
and I said, "I don't have home-style pâté."
He's a mason!
-Doully! -Yeah.
-What's up? -Roman, what are you doing here?
I found a way to keep on doing stand-up comedy.
But in exchange, I've got to sell local products.
-Really? -It's going great. How about you?
I go where people are. I've got a great plan.
Hear me out. I'm in touch with the director of AA.
-The director of AA? -So what do you say?
-What's that exactly? -Alcoholics Anonymous.
There's always tons of people over there.
Even if venues open tomorrow, I'll stick to my plan.
I'm game if there's room for me.
No, that won't work. Plus, you're doing well here.
You're really doing great here.
Where is he?
-It's been ages! -What's up?
-Wait. It's crazy. -Don't stay here.
-I just had a fight with a guy. -Who was it? I'm the delivery guy.
-No. -I deliver and I crack jokes.
-Want a quick one? -Sure.
Have you noticed when you call Uber and ask for your food,
the guy never comes up. He leaves it outside.
-Are you talking about me? -No, I'm joking.
-Give me my food, please. -Sure. Happy to see you.
-Me too, I'm happy. -Yeah.
Life's tough, but it's fine.
-You good? -Yeah, I'm fine.
-Really? -Yeah.
-You're not good. -No, I'm not.
I don't work anymore. I want to make people laugh. Go on, laugh.
Good.
-Great, thank you, Paris! -Yeah, give me my food.
All right, yeah…
Of course, markets are super.
Markets are super. Super.
Then, they invented "supermarkets."
But the supermarket is less super than the markets we had.
Bit of a paradox, right?
Sir, I've asked you four times for the pâté.
-If you want it, take it, bro. -Thank you.
You're welcome. This is quality observational comedy here.
Frayssinet, let's take a 30-minute break. People have had enough.
So you're going to restock.
-What's that? -Stacking shelves.
-Me, stacking shelves? -Yes, or you can say goodbye to the mic.
That's what I said. I'll go stack the shelves.
Amazing! So it's true, then.
We've got everything you need for COVID.
Water, pasta, all sorts of toilet paper.
Rough, soft, watermelon, strawberry, we've got all kind of flavors.
-Amazing. -And that's not all.
Unlike our competitors, we sell at retail rates.
If you just want two sheets of paper, you'll get two.
Look at this quality. You won't find it anywhere.
It's amazing, it's fantastic, and that's not all.
I just got a new product. It's mad.
Paquito!
Once again, I don't speak Spanish. I'm from Strasbourg. I studied German.
He loves me.
Gracias, Fernanda.
-Murielle. -Murielita!
That's our brand-new product. Insane.
See, since COVID started, I've decided to help the community.
I feel useful. I'm happy.
-You've had enough, right? -Yeah, I'm fed up.
Is it just me or when you sell pâté--
Roman, I've got an idea.
Why don't you go to Gare de Lyon? There's always people in the toilets.
GUYS, VENUES ARE OPENING TONIGHT. SEE YOU.
The venues are reopening?
The venues are open again!
-No way! -It's true!
-That's crazy! -I know, right?
Sam, this is your place now.
I'm giving it to you.
I don't speak Spanish!
Frayssinet?
NETFLIX PRESENTS
Please welcome Roman Frayssinet!
Good evening, everyone! Are you ready to do this?
If you're ready, I wanna hear you!
Are you ready?
Amazing.
All right, clap if you've had the vaccine!
Yeah? I've had it too.
I got my first shot three days ago. I had a blast.
I loved it.
I can't stop thinking about it. I wanna do it again.
I swear, all I think about is how can I get the shot, like, six times?
Can I get vaccinated daily? I'm craving it! All day long.
So much that I'm sweating. I want to get the vaccine.
I'm telling you, I'm like that all day long.
Before, in the streets, I used to look at women,
now I'm wondering who's got a vaccine shot for me.
I just didn't know I had to inject it myself.
But I got it in Porte de la Chapelle, so that might be why.
Anyway, I'm totally jonesing for it. I can't stop thinking about it!
It's crazy.
It's been a tough year, right? But at least we're together.
None of us had planned to spend that much time with ourselves.
I couldn't stand myself.
As soon as I saw my reflection, I wanted to strangle myself.
When I saw myself, I would say, "Roman, this is harassment!"
"Go jerk someone else off!
"If you're jizzing steam, you've gone too far!"
It's been a tough year.
I'm one of those people who tries to think everything is always fine.
Up to the last moment, I was saying, "It's fine."
Even if it's not fine, I always find a way.
I'm the opposite of a hypochondriac.
I'm a hyperchondriac.
If I start worrying, then I'm already dead.
For at least 15 minutes.
And if I'm already dead, what could go wrong?
I swear. Cut my leg off, I'll say, "It'll grow back, that's fine."
But my hypochondriac friends had a tough year.
In the street, they were wearing goggles, rubber gloves, shin guards.
"Are you going to disarm a bomb?" "No, I'm going to the shop."
It's crazy, but they were right.
I started realizing things were tough
when our president said, "We are at war."
Remember, right? We were all shocked. "We are at war."
That's when I thought,
"This year, I won't sell a lot of tickets for my show."
It didn't seem like the best business idea.
Maybe IT wasn't that bad after all.
It felt like trying to sell sausages in Saudi Arabia.
I thought, "Oh, boy, I'm going to earn peanuts."
I felt like Nokia when the iPhone was released.
I thought, "Oh, boy."
For the youngsters who don't know Nokia,
they used to make bricks you could use to make calls.
But like I said, I try to manipulate my thoughts.
No matter the situation, I say, "It's fine."
And I'm thinking, if that is our war, that's fine.
Don't you agree? If this is our war, it's fine.
A hundred years ago, during the war, you got a gun.
It's not exactly like working remotely.
And on that gun, there was a blade.
So you're not given a lot of ammo, right?
Imagine, you get a gun and you're told, "Shoot him."
"Why would I shoot him?"
"Because he's gonna shoot you."
"But why would he do that?"
"Because he was told you'd shoot him."
So it's just a big lack of communication.
Don't give me a gun, give me a phone.
Three texts and we're good.
And they would say, "No, you've got to shoot him."
And you would say, "But I'm a baker."
"I make pastries."
And on the other side of the border, the guy'd say, "Ich liebe Patisserien."
Always look on the bright side of life.
It's been tough, but you've got to think positive.
Put yourself in their shoes back then.
Their dilemma was kill or be killed.
After that, getting a degree isn't so hard!
Thanks for having me.
My name's Roman Frayssinet. It's been a pleasure, my friends!
Keep up that beautiful energy. Have a lovely evening. Thanks a lot.
You have reached your destination.
What do you mean? Can't you see this fence?
Is this my destination? Moron.
Stupid GPS, I should smash you on the ground. Piece of shit.
Turn straight.
How are you doing? Good?
I'm the only one disinfecting. Nobody gives a fuck!
We're like…
"This is my taste and this is my spit!"
I'm a hypochondriac, so I don't have a choice.
Clap if you're a hypochondriac too.
"I might contaminate my hands by touching them!"
This is for you. It's disinfected, don't worry.
I got my second shot! Yes!
"Congrats! He's got side effects, look!"
Side effects are always awful. Fever, headache,
but you never hear, "I got two chest muscles!"
"Crazy, right? Pfizer!"
"And you?" "AstraZeneca, bro!"
I'm a hypochondriac. Ten years ago, I spoke about it on Bref.
Welcome. Feeling old?
Ten years ago, I was talking about hypochondria on Bref,
and someone left a comment that got lots of likes.
It was, "Hilarious, that guy is using hand sanitizer!"
I was right!
I'll explain. So I'm not really afraid of being sick, I'm scared of death.
To me, hypochondria is the fear of death.
It can occur in a normal situation, like sitting in a closed room.
Next to me, there's a guy about to sneeze.
I know it, because he's doing…
This thing.
The human being is gone, you become an animal.
You lose all credibility if you're talking seriously.
"Yes, real-estate loan…"
In my head, I'm thinking, "I'm going to die." I hear…
So the guy goes…
And I know he's about to explode without taking sanitary precautions.
So I see myself in a coffin, carried by four stylish guys,
on my way to death, bro!
If you don't know that joke, it's hilarious and it's on the Internet.
I learned a lot of things during the pandemic.
I learned from the commercials that people don't wash their hands!
You know, those commercials telling people to wash their hands with water.
With… Do you find that normal?
They were saying to use soap. Soap! In 2021!
Let me explain what I feel, as a hypochondriac.
You think it's normal. That's okay.
So here's how a hypochondriac feels.
How would you feel, if on TV,
a commercial would tell drivers to stop running over children?
Because, apparently, everyone does that.
So many people do it that our president has to call McFly and Carlito.
"Guys, it would be nice to come up with a little song."
And McFly and Carlito reply…
Don't run over kids
And don't eat your poop either
Viewers will be like, "We aren't supposed to eat shit?"
"I had no clue. Luckily, there are commercials."
Soap!
I'm not going to keep shouting.
Unbelievable.
This is like a dream for me. Not the pandemic of course,
but the fact that people are observing protective measures.
And there has been no gastroenteritis all year.
Can we celebrate that?
For a year, there was no, "I feel better."
"Shit, I've got to go." None of that for a year!
I wonder what will remain of this dream time for me.
After the pandemic, will people who get sick stay home?
Will they cough in their elbows and wear masks?
What will remain of my dream?
I know. Nothing.
People won't give a fuck anymore. They'll go back to bars and clubs.
They'll go to the toilets without washing their hands,
then they'll eat peanuts from the bar.
They'll say, "Peanuts are good, so good!"
They'll offer me some. "Kyan, want some?" I don't know how to say no. "Sure."
Have a good evening, Barbès. Thanks.
Thank you, you're awesome!
Thank you.
How are you doing?
Great. I'm good too.
I wasn't too hyped about coming here tonight.
Comedy against COVID.
What happened was rather serious.
Some people died and all.
But I received an email about how much I'd be paid,
so I thought I'd come up with a few jokes.
To me, these nights are not really helpful.
We're not going to find a cure for COVID. We laugh, that's it.
It's like comedy against racism.
It doesn't help.
After this show, no fascists will be like…
"They do have a sense of humor after all."
Good thing these events don't work. Otherwise, there would be more.
Like comedy against pedophiles.
At the end of the night, pedophiles would be like…
"True, six years is a bit old."
So yeah, COVID was a pain.
You couldn't go out unless you had a real good excuse.
Like a pet.
I don't have any pets, so I just had a leash to go out.
When I wanted to go out, I would hold the leash in my hand.
So when cops would ask, "Where's your dog?"
I would say, "He ran off."
One day, a cop decided to stay with me to see if the dog would come back.
I said, "He must be lost."
The next day, they brought me a dog.
We looked at one another thinking, "I don't know you."
Yeah, I had COVID.
At first, I was in denial. I thought it was a hoax.
That they were manipulating us.
The day before the lockdown, I went into a club.
So the next day, I was sick.
I knew I had COVID when I realized I had lost my sense of taste.
I called those in charge of COVID-19.
And they said, "Get some pepper."
It was at the very beginning.
So I thought, "Healthcare has changed."
"This feels like cooking."
So I get the pepper and I season my mouth.
Fuck, I can't taste anything. So I add some more.
"Are you sure it's COVID?" "Let's do another test."
"Open YouTube and put on Wejdene."
They asked, "Do you like it?" I replied, "Yeah, it's fine."
They said, "You've lost your taste for sure."
I took the whole lockdown very seriously. I only went out one time.
During the protests, you know, for Black people to stay alive.
It was rather important since we're an endangered species.
We had to protest to ensure we'd be a protected species.
Like pandas and all.
I tried saving pandas when I was younger because they almost disappeared.
At some point, there were only four of them.
One day, some guy counted them.
"Fuck, only four pandas left."
"Time to make some phone calls."
There are protests for everything. Last one was for the climate.
It was hot last summer.
So we met with some guys.
And we thought, "That's enough."
"It's far too hot!"
So we protested against the sun.
All right, that's it for me. Thanks a lot.
-Hello? -Bro, where are you?
-People are waiting for you. -Wait, what's he doing?
-Hello? -Manicure my nails, not my bones.
DUBAI
Yes, let's growl at him.
Hello? You're not listening to me.
Of course I'm listening to you, Djimo.
First of all, hi. You're so rude.
At least say hello. What's up?
When are you coming?
What is he talking about?
What's he on about? We don't have any plans, do we?
There's a show tonight. Netflix invited us.
Netflix?
All right, I get it now.
They probably sent it to my French number.
But now, they've got to contact me on my number in Dubai.
I'm an Emirati now. We all are.
Right. You can still come. Go by La Chapelle.
What's he talking about?
Let's make fun of him!
Enough!
No, Djimo, Dubai in the Emirates.
Even with the new Paris metro plan, I don't think there's a direct line.
That's a good one.
Write it down. We'll print it on T-shirts.
-Why are you in Dubai? -Guess!
I'm an influencer now.
And who am I influencing? Raise your hand!
I influence everybody!
Shout-out for me!
So what do I tell them?
All right. Tell them I'm on my way.
If there's no traffic, I'm there in four hours.
Hang up on him. He's getting on my nerves.
All right, let's go! I know.
Bring me back.
Hello?
Look who's back.
-Nice. -Yeah.
Enough. Come on, I told you I'd be back.
But, Alban, tonight is raclette night.
I had forgotten what day it was.
All right, I'll stay then!
Let's have fun tonight!
We'll be drowning in alcohol!
Are you all right?
I'm very happy to be here tonight
and happy we're filming at Le Fridge.
We worked on this place for a long time.
Here's a bit of history about Le Fridge.
It took us two years of hard work.
So we decided to open it on March 13th, 2020.
Yep.
When it comes to timing, we're geniuses.
We timed it perfectly. That's our strength.
You're looking at me thinking, "What an idiot!" But I didn't know.
Well, we didn't exactly open March 13th, 2020,
because on March 10th, the government called us saying,
"Shut it down."
We said, "Perfect, we haven't opened yet."
Much easier to tidy up and clean up the place.
I'm really happy to see you all here.
Sitting down together.
I don't know if you felt it,
but during COVID, there was this fear among people.
Did any of you go out during COVID?
After curfew?
Sometimes, you'd meet people in the street and they'd look at you thinking,
"What are you doing here?"
"You were told to stay home!"
And you were thinking, "But what are you doing out?"
Not long ago, we had a curfew at 11:00 p.m.
I thought this was just crazy. It's crazy, isn't it?
Telling that to French people. A curfew at 11:00 p.m.
We're French, you all know how French people think.
An 11:00 p.m. curfew, at 8:45 p.m., a French guy will say,
"Don't worry, Véronique, we'll be back on time."
At 9:45 p.m., he'll say, "I don't give a damn!"
"Come and get me, if you're a man!"
How do you get people to observe this curfew?
I imagined Jean Castex outside the Élysée Palace
with a big horn.
"Go back to your moms, you bitches!"
But it's tough. It never ends.
Now there's variants. British, Indian variants. Did you follow?
I'm really hoping there'll be a French variant soon.
We'd be proud. French people like French things.
"The French variant!"
Symptoms for 15 days, on strike for 15 days!
The French variant.
But COVID also created some strange and positive things.
Like new excuses. "I'm a close contact." Have you used it?
As soon as you don't wanna go somewhere, "No, I'm a close contact."
"I don't want to contaminate everyone."
What a bullshit excuse. "I don't want to take the risk!"
A friend was supposed to meet a girl and he said, "I'm a close contact."
I said, "Come on, that's rude."
He said, "I'm a close contact, I don't care!"
I told him, "Bro, it's your wedding!"
That's not nice.
It's crazy.
But at least we can get vaccinated
and upload the passport on "TousAntiCovid."
Did you see it? The app.
When I saw this name, I thought,
"A lot of people at the Élysée worked on it
and the best name they could think of was 'All against COVID.'"
It's the worst app name ever!
All of the famous apps have short names, Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat.
You feel the pace? It's fast.
They called it "TousAntiCovid."
Call it "Flax," "Tax," or "Masx." Something cool!
They called it "TousAntiCovid."
Let's take Tinder, for instance.
It's called Tinder.
Not "EveryoneWantsToFuck." You see?
Thanks, guys. Thanks a lot for the warm welcome.
My name's Kev Adams. Keep making some noise for the next!
Enjoy your evening!
What a welcome for patient zero.
Salam by-the-elbows, everyone.
I just got back from Perpignan.
I'm from Bordeaux, and I don't want to sound like a Parisian,
but apparently, fashion comes and goes.
Well, in Perpignan, it's stuck on a roundabout.
People wear too many colors.
In Spanish, Perpignan is pronounced "Desigual."
I want to go back there with a chameleon and see if it has a seizure.
I think COVID-18 started there.
They lost both their taste and sight.
It's crazy. The world has turned to shit
because apparently, someone ate a pangolin.
Come on, it looks like a giant artichoke.
It's crazy.
If an illness affects Black people or Asians, it's concerning,
but if it kills white people, it becomes a global crisis.
If COVID-19 had stayed in Asia,
WHO would have prescribed two USB disks and a Norton Antivirus update.
I've got an idea. Let's say that this year doesn't count.
Because this sounds like a giant game of "Simon Says."
"Simon says, 'Stay home and save lives.'"
"Simon says, 'Wear masks outside.'"
"Go vote!"
"Sorry Manu, you forgot to say 'Simon says.'"
They want to set up a health passport to travel, go to restaurants and shows.
A health passport in France. A country where, according to a survey,
30% of the population does not shower daily.
Since we removed our masks, I'm rediscovering faces.
Yesterday, I ran into a friend, and the mask fell.
"Bun, what's up?"
"It's me, François."
"No, don't worry, I didn't wash my hands."
"Yeah."
"Do the exact opposite of what they tell us."
"I don't wash my hands and I stopped showering a year ago."
"They want us to waste water."
"We're too many on Earth."
"I read it on Facebook."
"Look, it's raining! In the middle of July."
"They inverted the seasons."
"So we run out of water."
"They want to wipe us out. I read it on TikTok."
"I hope you aren't vaccinated
because, I don't know if you've heard,
but at first, Pfizer, when they created Viagra,
they were trying to cure a cardiovascular disease."
"And they discovered that one of the side effects
was to get a hard-on."
"You're not vaccinated, right?"
"Because it's weird that the vaccine came at the same time as 5G."
"They want to control us."
"Through radio waves."
"They're watching us."
"Can you imagine if all of a sudden, we all had a hard-on?"
"Just like that."
"Yes, it's part of their plan!"
"See, with 5G, nobody talks to each other anymore."
"We don't love, we don't talk, we hate each other,
people stop reproducing!"
"The human race is doomed!"
"We'll be banging trees!"
"A hole in a tree."
"A hole in the ground."
"Imagine! A squirrel is minding his own business in his tree
when suddenly, a nut blocks his view!"
"Confined by a nut!"
"A groundhog in the ground,
buried under sperm!"
"And you'll see on Squirrel News,
Zemmour Squirrel saying it's a Muslim conspiracy."
"All these foreskins missing from these nuts."
Did I lose you?
Yeah. Did I lose you at, "We'll be banging trees"
or "Zemmour Squirrel"?
You probably think I'm crazy.
But I don't know if I prefer to sound like a madman
in a society of sick people,
or if I'd rather be sick…
in a society of madmen.
My name's Bun Hay Mean. Thanks.
SOMEWHERE ELSE…
Arrived at my destination?
I'm in a tree. Do I look like Tarzan? Moron!
Ladies and gentlemen, make a lot of noise for Mr. Vérino!
Good evening, everyone!
Thank you for coming here to see us.
After all this time.
This period changed my life.
Before, I was doing this job to make people laugh,
but after a year,
I just wanna talk.
Whether you laugh or not,
it doesn't matter.
Maybe people will ask you,
"How was it?" "He was so talkative."
Let's enjoy it and have fun because not so long ago, we were at war.
The president said it, so it must be true.
It's hilarious. "We're at war." Do you remember that speech?
Syria is at war.
I wouldn't call them to say, "Us too!"
"Did you go to Carrefour or what?"
"No toilet paper for three days, bro!"
"What a nightmare." Do you think they felt the same?
In Palestine, where bombs explode everywhere.
"We're at war!" "Stop complaining."
"In France, people are coughing into their arms."
War? Pornhub offered free subscriptions.
Which armed conflict was solved that way?
"People will go mad!"
"Don't worry, they'll masturbate for two months."
"And at 8:00 p.m., they'll be applauding nurses."
"Well done! I've seen all your videos!"
Be careful because some people take things literally.
In 50 years, "Grandpa went to war."
"Tell us, Grandpa."
"Amazon wouldn't deliver to the 4th floor anymore."
It's okay now. The war is over, yet we still don't have room in hospitals.
There's been no room for over a year.
Don't you guys have a sofa bed to lend them?
There are no beds. In a year, we should've had time to solve this issue.
But for a year, we've been trying
to figure out if COVID is feminine or masculine.
It was our main problem.
We still don't agree on the gender of Wi-Fi.
We eventually agreed on the virus name.
At first, it was the novel coronavirus.
It sounded like a new iPhone.
The novel coronavirus, everybody wants it!
"I've got the old one, can I get an upgrade?"
Then, it became 2019-nCov.
It wasn't popular.
There must have been a guy asking, "Is it the six or the eight dash?"
Now, it's COVID-19.
Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus, WHO's Director General,
explained that COVID-19 was easier to pronounce.
So why didn't we change the name of the WHO's Director General?
Come on, Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus!
From now on, we'll call you David. David-19.
It's got a ring to it.
Any parents here tonight?
You looked at me thinking, "Yeah, the lockdown, bro."
Our lockdown was not the same. I've got three sons.
During our video calls, my single friends were saying,
"I'm so freaking bored."
Die!
I also discovered what kind of dad I was. Due to that situation.
I don't yell because
I believe that educating a child today
means accompanying him through life.
That's not why I don't yell.
I don't yell because it's useless. That's the only reason.
I'm so jealous of dads who shout in the street. They go…
And everyone freezes. I want that too.
If I go, "Whoa," my sons go, "Shush."
"Show me some respect or I'll tell your mom."
When some dads yell, it's crazy.
Three floors below me, when this guy shouts, even I am scared.
"Kids, he's going to get us."
"He's going to hurt us."
"Sometimes, he comes at night when we're at work
and hides under your bed."
"Sometimes you tell us there are shadows."
"It's him."
"If the doorbell rings, you open the door."
"You came last, we're less attached to you."
I don't know, I simply don't know how to yell at a kid.
I don't have the vocabulary.
When I'm scolding my kids,
I use the same words my parents did with me.
I shout like an elderly person. "You make my blood boil!"
"You're driving me to a fury. There'll be hell to pay."
I wanted to punch myself when I heard that coming out of my mouth.
"There'll be hell to pay." Did your parents say that too?
Who are you trying to impress with that? How did we get scared?
How did we go see our bro saying, "There'll be hell to pay"?
"Daddy said so, he means it."
"Let's go before there'll be hell to pay!"
"Not over there or we'll drive him to a fury!"
All right, that's it for me. Thank you for listening.
A big thank you!
Good evening! All right!
Let's be clear, I accept everyone.
I like everyone, regardless of religion or skin color.
But there's one human species I hate above all,
and I discovered it during lockdown.
People who own holiday homes.
Those rich bastards!
Down with the bourgeoisie, I swear!
Too many people came to me,
because my house, it's not even my house, you see?
So some people said to me, "Hakim, during the lockdown,
I'm going to Aix-en-Provence with my in-laws."
"They have a nice place. Swimming pool. They're rich."
My in-laws,
their house is my house. You see what I mean?
Seriously, my place. Damn.
Poor people marry amongst themselves.
We grew up poor.
We marry people who don't have an inheritance.
My wife told me, "Don't say that. We have a lovely cultural legacy."
I say, "Well, fuck cultural legacy. Keep it, it's all yours."
Try and pay the bills with cultural legacy, bro.
"I don't have any money, ma'am,
but I've got beautiful olives. Does that work?"
Come on. What a joke, this cultural legacy.
People really bugged me with their holiday homes.
Some people have holiday homes.
Did you see how tough lockdown was for us, in our broken-down apartments?
These weren't apartments, they were bus stops.
It's true. When you sleep, your foot touches the fridge.
You hear everything.
The walls aren't thick, we hear everything.
That's the truth, that's no life.
A neighbor really got me mad.
Before the lockdown, my neighbor was always asking me for salt.
He always asked for salt.
I didn't see him for two months.
When he came back, I said,
"Yo, Julien!" Poor thing, his name is Julien.
"Where were you during lockdown?"
"I was in my holiday house, in Normandy."
"Give me my salt back, son of a bitch."
My salt most likely had a better lockdown than me.
I am so pissed at my salt.
I don't give a shit. I only add sugar to my fries now.
Another thing that really bugged me during lockdown,
the hashtag "stay at home." Do you remember that?
Not everyone was legit saying that.
An ordinary dude like us, sure.
Cristiano Ronaldo, no.
I've seen Cristiano Ronaldo's stories.
Ronaldo, if you're watching me right now, listen carefully.
Of course you're staying home.
I've seen your stories and your 30,000-square-foot garden!
His garden is so big there's a toll in it.
There's also two climates in it, equatorial and tropical.
In a day, he can go skiing or tanning. That's not normal.
Ronaldo, that's unreal.
I'm annoyed.
But there has been one nice moment.
Do you remember how tired we were of the last lockdown?
We all wanted to go out and breathe.
One event really helped, the protest for Adama Traoré.
Everyone in Paris protested,
not because they believed in this cause, some just needed fresh air.
I noticed the liars.
I went. I go to a lot of protests.
I enjoy them. There's a good vibe. It's nice.
Back at my place, I checked social media, just to see what was being said.
And I've seen some crazy stuff, like a woman's tweet saying,
"I'm a little disappointed by the protest."
Her criteria are still unclear to me.
"The tear gas wasn't my thing." I've got no clue.
"I'm disappointed by the protest. I went there to see Fary,
and I saw Hakim Jemili." That's what she wrote.
I'm a disappointment. There you go. That's…
Some people go to protests to see famous people, not to protest.
But I admit, I was mad too because I went there to see Omar Sy,
and I saw Fary. So frustrating.
Thanks a lot. My name's Hakim Jemili. Have a great night.
Thanks! Make some noise for you!
Have a good night.
Guys, do exactly as I said,
because she's strict about the rules.
Fary, you don't get it. You can't film in here.
-I haven't said anything. -Go on.
-This is Ahmed Sylla. Do you know him? -Hi.
He's a performer. Différent was nominated for a César.
-Cinema. -No, don't.
And Hakim. Ahmed Sylla! The actor!
-Play a woman. -No, come on!
-Please. -Seriously?
Good evening. Can I come in?
-He's talented. Really talented. -Really, Fary?
That's all you've got? An impression of a woman?
Right, it's not original. Do a loser.
So, ma'am, we're going inside. Why? I'll tell you why--
A loser from the South.
-What matter is… -A little louder, from the South.
We want to get in.
-Do the philosophy professor. -According to Sigmund Freud…
-Not a loser, just a philosophy professor. -Wait… Montesquieu!
-Melancholy. -All right.
-Bedbugs release! -Focus on him, please.
Didier Deschamps who just lost the Euro Cup.
Indeed, I think that…
Didier Deschamps who just won the World Cup.
Indeed, I think that…
Red card! Laurent Blanc!
I said "No cameras." Don't you get it?
-All right. -Bernard Lama!
These are names, not impressions.
-Vegedream! -I didn't think of that one. Good one.
-Yeah, it is. -You're not impersonating anyone.
Thank God she left. I was out of characters.
-Fuck. -Let me explain.
She doesn't like impressions. That's why she said no.
I know her, so if you want, I can sort this out.
-Go for it, then. -He scares me.
And you should be scared too. Why are you not? This guy's scary.
I was out of impressions.
No, I still have one.
Whipped cream.
I'm with a bunch of idiots. That's the issue.
-I'm the… -You can add a strawberry.
-All good, guys. Everything's in order. -Let's go.
But you can't get in.
What are you on about? This is my place.
We'll talk about it after.
No, Hakim. Madame Sarfati belongs to Fary. He's joking.
No, but--
Go! Get out of here!
-All right. -We're going.
We don't have time for your shitty impressions!
You're clowns! I can do impressions too!
Bourvil!
Where's my electric scooter?
Louis de Funès!
That one wasn't good.
Loïc! He was a friend of mine in elementary school.
All good, Hakim?
PFFF… A CONFERENCE BY PIERRE-EMMANUEL BARRÉ
Good evening. I'm here to present you a section
of my new conference,
a meeting that will prove fruitful to all involved.
You'll feel more cultured, and I'll be richer.
It's a give-and-take.
Or a win-win situation, as fucking assholes say.
So you'll see, the purpose of this conference is simple.
A question will appear onscreen. For instance,
"What correlation exists between the RNA virus
and functional depletion of cytotoxic T cells?"
-And I'll need an answer. -Yes.
The answer was "no."
It's gonna be a long night.
We could have made this process a lot easier
than questions and answers by only giving answers.
Example, "To fuck more often."
But this raises issues because to this simple answer,
many possible questions come to mind.
We can think of,
"Why did you register on Tinder?" "To fuck more often."
Or, "Why did you put roofies in the applesauce?"
Rest assured, I only use organic applesauce.
Children's health is my priority.
But let's dive into the reason of our meeting tonight,
with today's figures, which were just released by the government.
They are dramatic. Take a look.
"Twenty-five deaths, 997 people in intensive care."
It's horrible, and these figures only represent police brutality.
We haven't yet received those related to COVID.
In addition to this terrible human toll,
this health crisis has raised many questions.
"Now that we're saying hi by touching elbows,
does Philippe Croizon still deserve his disability card?"
"Is Sophie Davant ready for this new world?"
And of course, the question we're all asking,
"My wife has lost her sense of taste and smell."
"Should I keep on washing my dick?"
So rather than going over all of these questions quickly,
I decided to focus on one and dig deep.
There you go. "How long can we fail
at managing a health crisis before looking like an idiot?"
This question was asked by Emmanuel M. from Touquet.
Hello, Emmanuel. Thank you for your question.
So it's true, we can come up with a few criticisms
of the government since January 2020.
I've made a list for you.
"In France, we're safe."
"Be careful, the virus is coming."
"We hung posters in airports."
"It's just a cold." "Stay at home."
"Go vote!"
"Hospitals are ready."
"Use trash bags, we're out of scrubs."
"We have ventilators."
"We don't have ventilators." "We've ordered some."
"Shoot, they weren't the right ones."
"We've got tons of masks." "Sorry, we burned them all."
"Masks are useless." "Masks are mandatory."
"Lockdown will be a success." "Re-opening too."
"Children are not contagious." "Watch out for children."
"They're very contagious."
"We reopened schools." "They're not contagious."
"Healthcare workers did a great job. They must be rewarded."
"We'll give them a medal."
"We're going to help students. We'll give students a cultural pass."
"The English variant is only in England."
"The Brazilian only in Brazil." "The Indian only in India."
"Watch out, the variants are coming!"
"We'll get vaccines on time."
"Shoot, vaccines are late."
"We'll remove vaccine patents."
"No, we won't remove patents."
"In case our friends from Sanofi find a vaccine in 2067."
So as you can see,
it's a little bit of a mess.
The only thing Macron succeeded in was getting COVID.
But even then, he recovered.
He moved through the pandemic
like a quadriplegic biker in the Tour de France.
He failed every step of the way,
and this is why I suggest that we take a look at these figures.
180,000 euros, 15,000 euros.
So here's the price of a degree at the National Administration School,
and here's one in SEGPA.
So we're left wondering why we're choosing our leaders from this category,
while we could pick them from this one.
The same abilities at a lower price,
the community has everything to gain.
And to measure the extent of Emmanuel Macron's failure
throughout this terrible crisis,
one just needs to have a look at the long list of victims.
Édouard Philippe.
Muriel Pénicaud.
Christophe Castaner.
Agnès Buzyn.
Nicole Belloubet.
Little angels gone too soon.
In a year and a half,
Macron changed ministers more often than masks,
so were all of these cabinet shuffles effective?
The answer is no.
With diarrhea, you change underwear, only to have it dirty ten minutes later.
Because the problem comes from the asshole above.
It's the same for cabinet shuffles.
Thank you for coming. I'm Pierre-Emmanuel Barré. Thank you.
Hello. How are you doing?
After the lockdown, it's nice to be out again, right?
I'm a little bit annoyed because I've really enjoyed the lockdown.
Man, I really enjoyed the lockdown.
I'm a homebody, and I enjoy being alone.
The only issue I had was that my husband was there too.
No, I really do love him, but for only two hours a day.
Between 3:00 and 5:00 a.m. when he's asleep.
Sometimes, he really pisses me off.
You're not getting it, he really did piss me off.
He pissed me off so much, I was looking at him and thinking…
First off, bad idea for him to let me think.
I looked at him and I was thinking,
"Three months in jail is fine, right?"
It's no biggie! A little punch in the throat.
Just a quick R2, GTA-style, and I'm gone.
He really got on my nerves.
That's when I realized living with someone is tough.
The hardest part of living with someone is that they're living in your house.
He does what he wants, but he's here.
And with time, you tend to focus on shortcomings
and everything the other person does annoys you.
Even when he eats.
"Look at the way he eats."
Even when he drinks, I can hear his throat.
Makes you wanna finish him.
But I must admit, I have my faults too.
I have OCD when it comes to cleaning.
Let me explain.
If my hands are wet, I can't touch doorknobs.
I can't walk out of the shower if there's no shower mat.
Everyone has touched this mic and I'm pretending to be fine, but…
But I'm grossed out!
When all these restrictions came out, people said,
"Now, when I go home,
I wash my hands, my phone and the groceries."
I'm like, "What did you do before?"
Did you see all these commercials telling people to wash their hands?
In which country were we living before?
Seriously!
I also realized my idea of what is dirty is different than my friends'.
What I consider dirty is fine for them. So weird!
Girls like to talk about their sex lives, but I'm quite shy.
Sometimes, they tell me stories and I pretend to get what they mean,
but in reality, I'm like…
"Damn, she really does that? I didn't think you were like that."
"How flexible!"
But one of them has no boundaries.
She goes into way too much detail.
And she makes me uncomfortable 'cause she stares at me when she does.
"Fadily, I like this and that." And I'm like…
"Is she talking to me or asking me to join?"
She talks to me about whips and clamps.
She's like, "I guess we're dirty."
I'm like, "No, you're aggressive."
She says, "Maybe."
"I like when he's putting his fingers in my mouth."
Now, that's dirty!
Why on earth would he do that?
That's not a PCR test. Is he going abroad?
Thank you, I'm Fadily Camara. Thank you.
How are you doing?
I'm really happy to be filming for Netflix.
Before starting, I've got a confession.
I filmed for them long ago, two to three years ago,
and we were at a lodge where there were nice Bluetooth speakers.
And I thought, "It's Netflix." So I stole them. There you go.
I stole these Bluetooth speakers
and I'm really ashamed because "For Shirley" was written on them.
I stole my own gift. That's bad.
I didn't even thank them.
During the pandemic, people got to live my life.
They noticed inconsistencies in the government and society.
Welcome to my life.
"I've got to allow myself to go out?"
"Wear a mask? Not wear mask? I don't know."
That's the story of my life.
"Why would I wear a bra if I have no boobs?"
"What do you want me to support, the patriarchy?"
I don't see what you want from me.
Am I right?
There's so much pressure to wear bras. It's frustrating.
Not long ago, I was at the beach, and one guy had bigger breasts than me.
With hair!
"You should hide your chest!"
I've got a nice torso to oil, to show on the beach.
I have a nice torso. I uploaded a picture on Instagram.
I was bare-chested, and they didn't remove my post, so…
I have a nice chest.
I was with my dog in the picture, and one nipple was showing.
Someone commented, "Is that a kibble?"
I have a nice chest.
I've felt a lot of inconsistencies for a long time.
It was funny. My artist friends were upset
because they were considered non-essential.
Mostly my white friends. "What do you mean, we're non-essential?"
"It's tough the first time."
"Then you get used to it. Don't worry and sit down."
"We invented something crazy, hip-hop. Ever heard of that?"
"If it's not enough, I've got weed."
But seriously, these videos were shocking.
"I'm non-essential."
That's why. So stop doing that.
There's one positive aspect of being non-essential.
It's that you remember you're not immortal. That's important.
Elegantly phrased, right? It could have been a book.
But it's true, it's good to feel non-essential,
because you start thinking, "I could change my life."
It was funny seeing people remember they could die.
"We can die!" "We always could."
"But this time, it's for real."
"It's always been for real!" "No, for real."
So people started changing their lives and doing things they liked.
That's why I'm an artist. I'm not essential.
In an ideal world, comedians wouldn't exist.
One shouldn't pay to laugh.
The biggest problem one should have is, "We're out of mangoes."
"Luckily there are kiwis!"
That's the type of problems we should have.
I can't really focus. I think Netflix drilled holes in the wall.
I'm a bit stressed.
This feels like an oral exam in my own room.
"Where's my bed?"
So I remember one thing Macron said during the pandemic,
and he said it in between two lockdowns.
I heard a woman saying something epic in a bar,
that's where people share their thoughts. Best place for stand-up, and it's free.
I go there and get inspired. "Yes, tell me."
So this girl was pissed and said,
"I don't know what Macron said, but he didn't say hello."
I'm off, guys. Thank you.
Good evening.
How are you? This is cool. I'm happy.
This is my first time on stage since COVID.
It's weird to see you all with masks.
Disposable ones, good.
I was stupid enough to buy a reusable one.
Up to 30 washes.
Tell me, who counts the number of washes?
Exactly.
But seriously, it changed our lives.
Two years ago, in Galeries Lafayette,
Asian tourists were wearing masks, and we made fun of them.
Now it's our turn. Wearing masks is a part of our lives.
What's frightening is that…
A while ago I went back to Galeries Lafayette,
and there were some Asian tourists,
and not only were they wearing masks,
they also had disposable coats.
I have a very simple theory.
If you wear something which is not fashionable,
you've got information I don't. That's it.
We've been through a lot of weird things.
During the first lockdown, we were all stuck at home
watching TV, and we were seeing
wild boars in the Champs-Élysées, dolphins in Venice.
And we all thought,
"When we get out, this will be a brand-new world."
And here we are.
Is this the brand-new world?
It looks strangely like it did before, only worse.
Seriously, what happened?
We became more conscious and after two weeks, it's chaos.
We really have to wake up.
Look at the environment, global warming is hitting us hard.
We need to do something.
Maybe we can stop eating meat.
I'm not vegan, I'm not trying to convince you,
but I think we should stop.
You look skeptical. All right.
Humans have a bad memory.
Let's recap. An asshole ate some pangolin or bat,
and the world stopped.
He ate meat. That's what happened.
Now, I don't know who said, "Don't judge a book by its cover,"
but of course you fucking should.
If the guy had done that,
the guy who ate pangolin, bat or whatever,
he'd have seen how gross it looked and wouldn't have eaten it.
You all know what a bat looks like.
As for the pangolin, it's a weasel with scales. Super gross.
It's one of the rare species where even the babies look really ugly.
There are two like that, Pangolin and Le Pen.
If he had judged the book by its cover,
we wouldn't be in this shitty situation.
There were reports about pangolins, where idiots said it tasted like chicken.
Then eat chicken! Stop being such a fucking pain!
We're such idiots.
Worse, humans have a bad memory.
A few weeks ago in Mongolia, a guy died from bubonic plague.
Why? Because he ate a groundhog.
Serves your right! Fuck!
Sorry, I know it's mean, but what the heck?
I mean, trust your instincts.
And haven't you learned anything from the past few months?
The entire world stopped because a moron ate a fucking pangolin,
and you, you eat a groundhog.
Maybe you live in a remote place without TV, Internet,
but think a bit.
If Frédéric Lopez hasn't bugged you in six months,
maybe the world has stopped.
Ask the right questions. Trust appearances.
It's unbelievable. Trust what you see.
Have you seen the sexual predators, DSK and Harvey Weinstein?
If you fuck daily with a face like that, you must be using a weapon.
Let's be honest. Look at François Hollande.
When he finished his presidency,
people who had voted for him said, "True, he hasn't been proactive."
Really?
Wait, so he's not Batman? I often mix them up.
Of course! Judge a book by its cover.
Imagine François Hollande in armor on the battlefield in the Middle Ages.
People would go, "Why's the cauldron moving?"
Shit! Judge a book by its cover, it's really important.
A friend of mine told me at a birthday party…
We were a group.
"I lived with an asshole for four years."
"If I had trusted my instincts, I wouldn't have stayed a day with him."
She kept on saying, "What a jerk."
So I told her, "Take it easy, we almost got married."
Have a great evening. My name is Tom Villa.
Where am I now?
SOMEWHERE
This isn't even a map of Paris!
Hey, where's Rue Saint-Denis? I'm heading to Le Fridge.
Yeah, at the roundabout to the right. Left? Thanks.
What? Sorry, I don't have a lighter.
See you around. Bye.
Fucking hell!
Subtitle translation by: Mathilde Mazé