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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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‪（巴黎封城期間）

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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‪（拯救生命，待在家）

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{\an8}‪喂，我在樓下
‪可以下來拿你的餐點嗎？

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{\an8}‪我要求要送到家

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{\an8}‪我騎腳踏車騎了快7公里
‪給我下來，別在那邊嘰嘰歪歪！

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‪-好了，我現在下去
‪-難以置信！

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‪送到家，他們連下樓拿餐都不肯…

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‪有夠自以為是

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‪這棟樓真大！

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‪這除臭噴霧沒用啊！

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{\an8}‪你一個人嗎？

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{\an8}‪（巴士底）

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{\an8}‪對啊，你叫我一個人來

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{\an8}‪你要什麼？

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‪你是什麼意思？那是什麼玩意？

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‪-沒什麼…
‪-關於你的傳言是真的嗎？

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‪不是

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‪看情況吧，傳言怎麼說的？

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‪聽說新冠疫情開始後

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‪你就在搞走私之類的

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‪“手上有支團隊，就沒人敢動你”

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‪你在轉移話題

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‪給我證據啊

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‪我聽見說話聲了，誰在說話？

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‪沒人在，我一個人

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‪是你在胡思亂想

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‪凱夫哥，FFP2等級口罩
‪要放哪裡？

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‪-剛剛是誰？
‪-是我媽

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‪-凱夫，才怪
‪-非常好，你逮到我了

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‪進來吧，我帶你看看

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‪這是我的團隊，業界頂尖

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{\an8}‪大家今晚開不開心？

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{\an8}‪（蒙馬特）

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{\an8}‪好的，非常好

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‪這位先生，大家都說我的肉醬
‪“醬”麼好吃

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‪但你吃過之後
‪就會覺得這口味根本是人間極“醬”

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‪我覺得滿好笑的

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‪兩位，妳們是一起來的嗎？

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‪我有一個笑話

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‪昨天有一個家教來買菜

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‪我就說：“這裡沒賣
‪家庭自製的肉醬”

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‪因為他是家教！

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‪-杜莉！
‪-嗨

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‪-妳好啊
‪-羅曼，你在這裡幹嘛？

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‪我找到方法繼續講站立喜劇

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‪但條件就是要幫在地產品叫賣

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‪-真的嗎？
‪-滿順利的，妳呢？

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‪我要去有人潮的地方
‪我想到一個超讚計畫

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‪你聽聽看
‪我聯絡上戒酒無名會的負責人

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‪-戒酒無名會的負責人？
‪-你覺得如何？

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‪-那是幹嘛的？
‪-幫人戒酒啊

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‪那裡每次都一堆人

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‪就算明天要開放場館
‪我也會繼續這計畫

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‪妳如果還缺人，我很樂意參加

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‪那可不行，況且你在這裡滿不錯的

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‪你表現得真的很好

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‪他人呢？

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‪-好久不見！
‪-最近好嗎？

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‪-太扯了吧
‪-別待在這裡

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‪-我剛剛才在跟人吵架
‪-跟誰？我就是外送員啊

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‪-不是
‪-我跑外送加講笑話

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‪-要不要聽一個短笑話？
‪-好啊

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‪你有沒有注意到你叫優步外送之後

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‪外送員都沒來，結果餐點被放在外面

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‪-妳在笑我嗎？
‪-我只是在開玩笑

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‪-請把我的餐點給我
‪-沒問題，很高興看到你

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‪-我也是，彼此彼此
‪-是啊

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‪日子不好過，但還可以

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‪-妳沒事吧？
‪-我當然沒事

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‪-真的嗎？
‪-真的

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‪-日子不好過嗎？
‪-一點也沒錯

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‪我根本沒工作
‪我想逗人笑，笑一個吧

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‪很好

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‪-太好了，謝謝你，巴黎！
‪-好，放開我的餐點

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‪好的…

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‪市場當然超讚

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‪市場，超讚

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‪然後他們就發明了“超市”

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‪但超市沒有以前的市場這麼讚

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‪滿矛盾的吧？

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‪先生，我講了四次我要買肉醬

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‪-想買就拿去啊
‪-謝謝

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‪不客氣，這可是上乘的觀察式幽默

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‪佛賴西內，你先休息30分鐘
‪顧客都受夠了

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‪所以你要去幫忙補貨

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‪-工作內容是什麼？
‪-去把貨上架

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‪-要我去上架？
‪-沒錯，否則你以後別想碰麥克風

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‪我就是這個意思，我馬上去上架

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‪太好了！所以傳言是真的

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‪應付新冠疫情需要的東西我們都有

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‪礦泉水、義大利麵
‪各式各樣的衛生紙

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‪粗糙的、柔軟的、西瓜或草莓口味的
‪各種口味都有

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‪-真厲害
‪-不只這樣

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‪我們跟競爭對手不同
‪我們把“零售”發揚光大

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‪如果你只想買兩張衛生紙，沒有問題

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‪看看這品質，別處絕對找不到

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‪既美好又夢幻，不只如此

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‪我還有超屌的新產品

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‪帕奇托！

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‪我再說一次，我不會說西班牙語
‪我是史特拉斯堡人，只學過德語

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‪他很愛我

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‪謝謝，費南妲

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‪-我叫穆莉兒
‪-穆莉妲！

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‪這是我們的新產品，超屌的

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‪新冠疫情傳開後
‪我就決定要回饋社會

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‪我很高興自己能派上用場

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‪-你忍壞了吧？
‪-沒錯，我受夠了

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‪只有我覺得賣肉醬的時候…

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‪羅曼，我想到了

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{\an8}‪你幹嘛不去里昂車站？
‪那裡的廁所一天到晚都是人

113
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{\an8}‪（網飛）

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{\an8}‪（各位，今晚場館開放了
‪不見不散）

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{\an8}‪場館要重新開放？

116
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{\an8}‪場館又開放了！

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‪-不可能！
‪-是真的！

118
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‪-太扯了！
‪-對不對？

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‪山姆，這地方送給你

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‪我希望你收下

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‪我不會說西班牙語！

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‪佛賴西內？

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‪（大冰箱）

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{\an8}‪（大冰箱喜劇俱樂部）

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‪NETFLIX 出品

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{\an8}‪掌聲歡迎羅曼佛賴西內！

127
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‪大家晚安！你們準備好了嗎？

128
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‪準備好的話就大聲一點！

129
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‪你們準備好了嗎？

130
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‪太棒了

131
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{\an8}‪（羅曼佛賴西內）

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{\an8}‪好的，打過疫苗的人就拍個手！

133
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‪是嗎？我也打疫苗了

134
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‪我三天前打了第一劑，超爽的

135
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‪我超愛

136
00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:14,520
‪我腦中一直在想要怎麼再打一劑

137
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‪我發誓，我只是一直盤算
‪要怎麼打到六劑？

138
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‪疫苗可以每天打嗎？
‪我好想打啊！從早打到晚

139
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‪我想到滿身是汗，我好想打疫苗

140
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‪我是認真的，我從早到晚都是那樣

141
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‪我以前走在路上都會打量女生

142
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‪我現在只會想說誰能幫我打疫苗

143
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‪我只是不知道疫苗還要自己打

144
00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:42,799
‪但也許是因為我在小教堂門站打的

145
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‪總之，我超想打疫苗
‪滿腦子都是打疫苗的事！

146
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‪超扯的

147
00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:58,960
‪過去一年不好過吧？
‪但至少我們還在一起

148
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‪我們當初根本沒想到
‪會有那麼多獨處的時間

149
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‪當時我很受不了自己

150
00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:08,800
‪我一看到自己的鏡中倒影就想掐死他

151
00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:11,800
‪我一看到自己就說
‪“羅曼，你這是性騷擾！

152
00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:14,520
‪去對著別人打手槍！”

153
00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:19,200
‪如果你打到射水出來
‪就代表你打過頭了！

154
00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:23,360
‪過去一年不好過

155
00:09:23,440 --> 00:09:27,720
‪我就是那種會一直催眠自己
‪一切都沒事的人

156
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‪直到最後一刻
‪我還在說：“沒事的”

157
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‪就算真的很慘，我總是能往好處想

158
00:09:33,680 --> 00:09:35,680
‪我沒有疑心病

159
00:09:35,760 --> 00:09:37,320
‪我有自信病

160
00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:39,960
‪如果我開始擔心，我已經死掉了

161
00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:41,240
‪死了至少15分鐘

162
00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:43,640
‪如果我已經死了，還會有什麼問題？

163
00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:48,240
‪我發誓，我腳被切掉
‪我還會說：“沒關係，會長回來的”

164
00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:51,720
‪但我那些有疑心病的朋友
‪過去一年很不好過

165
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‪他們在路上會戴護目鏡
‪橡膠手套和護脛

166
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‪“你是要去拆炸彈嗎？”
‪“沒有，我要去買東西”

167
00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:01,840
‪太扯了，但他們做對了

168
00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:04,120
‪我意識到這一切不太妙時

169
00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:08,520
‪是我們的總統說出：“我們在打仗”

170
00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:11,880
‪大家都記得吧？我們嚇到了
‪“我們在打仗”

171
00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:14,360
‪我當時就想

172
00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:17,240
‪“我今年大概賣不了多少門票”

173
00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:21,440
‪這一行前景好像不太好

174
00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:23,640
‪也許科技業沒那麼差

175
00:10:24,440 --> 00:10:27,480
‪我感覺就像在沙烏地阿拉伯賣香腸

176
00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:30,600
‪“天啊，我賺不到幾毛錢了”

177
00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:33,920
‪我感覺就像蘋果手機剛出時的諾基亞

178
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:35,480
‪我當時就想說慘了

179
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:38,200
‪替在座不知道諾基亞的年輕朋友
‪解釋一下

180
00:10:38,280 --> 00:10:41,000
‪他們以前專做可以打電話的磚塊

181
00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:45,800
‪就像我剛剛說的，我會催眠自己

182
00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:49,160
‪無論情況有多糟
‪我都會說：“沒事的”

183
00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:53,200
‪我就想，如果這是打仗，那也沒什麼

184
00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:55,840
‪你們認同吧？
‪如果這是打仗，真的還好

185
00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:58,680
‪一百年前打仗時要拿槍

186
00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:01,080
‪跟遠端上班差滿多的

187
00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:04,400
‪那把槍上還會裝一把刀

188
00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:07,400
‪所以你連子彈都沒多少發

189
00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:10,320
‪想像一下，你拿到槍後
‪有人叫你對那個人開槍

190
00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:12,960
‪“我幹嘛開槍射他？”

191
00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:14,600
‪“因為他會開槍射你”

192
00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:16,960
‪“但他幹嘛要開槍射我？”

193
00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:19,000
‪“因為有人叫他開槍射你”

194
00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:22,040
‪所以這只是溝通不良

195
00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:23,800
‪不要給我槍，給我一支電話

196
00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:26,120
‪打三個字就沒事了

197
00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:30,040
‪然後他們說：“不行
‪你一定要開槍射他”

198
00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:32,320
‪你就說：“但我是烘焙師”

199
00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:34,920
‪“我是做糕點的”

200
00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:39,080
‪然後國境另一邊的人
‪會用德語說：“我愛糕點”

201
00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:41,760
‪蛋糕

202
00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:46,160
‪人生隨時都要保持樂觀

203
00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:48,760
‪日子不好過，但你們要往好處想

204
00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:50,560
‪想像一下以前人是怎麼過的

205
00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:53,400
‪他們不是殺人就是被殺

206
00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:56,840
‪之後大家才發現拿學歷沒多難嘛！

207
00:11:57,400 --> 00:11:59,080
‪謝謝大家捧場

208
00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:04,400
‪我叫羅曼佛賴西內
‪很榮幸能上台表演！

209
00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:08,480
‪繼續保持這股好心情
‪祝大家有美好的一晚，謝謝

210
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:14,800
‪已抵達您的目的地

211
00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:18,840
‪你什麼意思？你沒看到柵欄嗎？

212
00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:21,480
‪這是我的目的地？智障喔

213
00:12:21,560 --> 00:12:24,880
‪智障導航，我應該把你摔在地上
‪爛東西

214
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:26,160
‪請直走

215
00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:29,320
‪（巴貝斯喜劇俱樂部）

216
00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:31,640
{\an8}‪（巴貝斯喜劇俱樂部）

217
00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:33,480
{\an8}‪大家都好嗎？開心嗎？

218
00:12:33,560 --> 00:12:37,080
{\an8}‪只有我在消毒，根本沒人在乎！

219
00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:38,160
{\an8}‪就像是…

220
00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:41,760
{\an8}‪“嚐嚐我的味道，這是我的口水！”

221
00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:42,800
{\an8}‪（凱恩柯賈迪）

222
00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:45,320
{\an8}‪我有疑心病，所以我別無選擇

223
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:47,440
‪現場也有疑心病的人替我拍個手

224
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:50,880
‪“我拍手的話或許會傳染給自己！”

225
00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:54,680
‪這送你，已經消毒完了，別擔心

226
00:12:56,800 --> 00:12:59,960
‪我打第二劑了！好耶！

227
00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:04,280
‪“恭喜！他有副作用了，快看啊！”

228
00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:07,280
‪副作用很糟糕，會發燒和頭痛

229
00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:09,320
‪但沒有人會說
‪“大家看，我有兩塊胸肌！”

230
00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:12,400
‪“厲害吧？我打輝瑞！”

231
00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:16,560
‪“你呢？”，“老兄，我打AZ！”

232
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:21,680
‪我有疑心病
‪我十年前上電視有提到這點

233
00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:24,560
‪覺得自己老了吧？

234
00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:27,720
‪我十年前上電視聊疑心病

235
00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:30,400
‪有一則留言得到很多讚

236
00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:34,840
‪留言寫說：“太好笑了
‪他竟然在用乾洗手！”

237
00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:38,080
‪我才是對的！

238
00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:44,600
‪我解釋一下，我其實不是怕得病
‪我是怕死

239
00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:47,160
‪我覺得疑心病就是怕死的寫照

240
00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:51,160
‪這可能會發生在日常生活中
‪比如說你坐在密閉空間裡

241
00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:54,360
‪坐我隔壁的人要打噴嚏

242
00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:56,520
‪我很清楚，因為他做出這種表情

243
00:13:57,760 --> 00:13:58,960
‪這種表情

244
00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:02,040
‪完全不像人，彷彿你變回動物

245
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:05,320
‪就算你在講正經事，也會威嚴全失

246
00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:06,840
‪“沒錯，房地產貸款…”

247
00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:11,920
‪我當下就想說自己死定了
‪腦中響起…

248
00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:14,920
‪那個人就這樣…

249
00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:19,240
‪我知道他不打算做任何衛生措施
‪直接打噴嚏

250
00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:33,840
‪我就看到自己躺在棺材裡
‪有四個潮男抬著我

251
00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:36,160
‪把我送上西天！

252
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:40,600
‪如果你們不懂這個哏
‪這超好笑的，在網路上超紅

253
00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:43,160
‪我在這場疫情中學會了很多事情

254
00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:47,480
‪我看廣告時才知道
‪人們根本不洗手！

255
00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:52,040
‪那種廣告會跟大家宣導
‪洗手時要沖水

256
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,920
‪還要用…你們一點都不震驚嗎？

257
00:14:56,720 --> 00:15:00,960
‪2021年了
‪他們才叫人用肥皂洗手！

258
00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:06,840
‪我解釋一下，有疑心病的人
‪有什麼感覺

259
00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:08,400
‪你們很淡定，沒關係

260
00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:11,240
‪有疑心病的人會這麼覺得

261
00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:14,400
‪想像一下，你打開電視

262
00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:18,120
‪看到一則廣告
‪在宣導開車時不要撞小孩

263
00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:20,520
‪因為這種事似乎常發生

264
00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:25,680
‪嚴重到我們的總統要找來搞笑網紅

265
00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:29,080
‪“兩位，我想請你們寫一首歌”

266
00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:31,080
‪然後搞笑網紅還回說…

267
00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:34,840
‪不要開車撞小孩

268
00:15:35,640 --> 00:15:39,400
‪也不要吃大便

269
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:42,200
‪觀眾看了還會說
‪“大便不能吃嗎？”

270
00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:45,240
‪“我以前都不知道
‪幸好有宣導廣告”

271
00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:46,440
‪用肥皂！

272
00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:50,400
‪我不會停止大吼大叫

273
00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:52,480
‪難以置信

274
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:56,400
‪我覺得這是美夢成真
‪我當然不是指疫情

275
00:15:56,480 --> 00:16:00,360
‪而是人們開始在意防護措施

276
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:05,200
‪這一年來都沒人得腸胃炎

277
00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:07,520
‪這值得我們慶祝吧？

278
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:09,640
‪一年來沒有人說：“我感覺好多了”

279
00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:14,400
‪“靠，我要上廁所”
‪一年來完全沒聽到！

280
00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:18,800
‪不知道這些美夢有多少會留下來

281
00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:23,280
‪疫情結束後
‪生病的人會乖乖待在家嗎？

282
00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:25,520
‪他們咳嗽時會用手肘遮住嗎？
‪口罩會繼續戴嗎？

283
00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:27,600
‪我的夢想有多少會留下來？

284
00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:31,000
‪我知道，一個不剩

285
00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:36,520
‪大家會把一切拋在腦後
‪他們會繼續跑酒吧和夜店

286
00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:39,000
‪上完廁所之後也不洗手

287
00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:42,360
‪然後再吃酒吧的花生

288
00:16:42,840 --> 00:16:45,360
‪接著說：“這花生真好吃！”

289
00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:48,760
‪然後問我：“凱恩，你要吃嗎？”
‪我不懂怎麼拒絕，就把它吃掉

290
00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:53,920
‪晚安，巴貝斯，謝謝

291
00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:57,680
‪謝謝，你們太棒了！

292
00:16:59,760 --> 00:17:03,760
{\an8}‪（喜劇俱樂部）

293
00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:07,720
{\an8}‪（傑梅爾喜劇俱樂部）

294
00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:13,240
‪謝謝

295
00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:19,480
{\an8}‪大家都好嗎？

296
00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:20,680
{\an8}‪（吉莫）

297
00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:24,160
{\an8}‪非常好，我也很好

298
00:17:25,480 --> 00:17:28,359
‪我本來對今晚上台一事
‪感到興趣缺缺

299
00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:30,599
‪用喜劇對抗疫情

300
00:17:31,119 --> 00:17:33,480
‪這一年來的事滿嚴肅的

301
00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:35,560
‪死了很多人

302
00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:38,800
‪但我收到一封電郵
‪上面寫著我能拿多少錢

303
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:43,160
‪所以我就寫了幾則笑話

304
00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:48,360
‪我覺得這種活動幫不了什麼忙

305
00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:51,280
‪我們不會找到新冠肺炎的解藥
‪我們只會大笑

306
00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:54,160
‪就像用喜劇對抗歧視

307
00:17:54,880 --> 00:17:56,360
‪沒有幫助

308
00:17:57,080 --> 00:18:00,200
‪表演結束之後，法西斯分子不會說…

309
00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:05,320
‪“原來他們滿幽默的”

310
00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:11,320
‪幸好沒有用
‪否則會出現更多類似活動

311
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:14,480
‪比如用喜劇對抗戀童癖

312
00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:19,520
‪表演結束之後，戀童癖會說…

313
00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:25,200
‪“沒錯，六歲有點太老了”

314
00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:32,160
‪好的，新冠肺炎很糟糕

315
00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:35,480
‪除非有正經理由，否則不能出門

316
00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:36,680
‪像是寵物相關

317
00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:42,360
‪我沒養寵物，所以我拿了一條牽繩
‪就走出門

318
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:46,520
‪我想出門時，會把牽繩拿在手上

319
00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:49,960
‪警察問說狗在哪裡時

320
00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:51,560
‪我就說：“牠跑走了”

321
00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:59,240
‪有一天，警察決定陪我等
‪看狗會不會回來

322
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,200
‪我就說：“牠一定走丟了”

323
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:04,920
‪隔天他們帶了一隻狗來找我

324
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:10,400
‪我跟那隻狗雙眼對視，心想
‪“我根本不認識你”

325
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:14,280
‪我得過新冠肺炎

326
00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:18,600
‪我一開始還不想承認
‪以為這一切都是騙人的

327
00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:20,640
‪這是政府的花招

328
00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:23,080
‪封城前一天我去了夜店

329
00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:26,920
‪然後我隔天就生病

330
00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:30,920
‪我發現自己失去味覺後
‪才知道自己得了新冠肺炎

331
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:33,520
‪我打給新冠肺炎的主管機關

332
00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:37,480
‪他們說：“去拿黑胡椒”

333
00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:40,440
‪當時一切才剛開始

334
00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:42,880
‪我就想說：“醫學變真多

335
00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:45,360
‪我感覺像在煮菜”

336
00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:50,640
‪我拿了黑胡椒後撒在嘴裡

337
00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:55,840
‪媽的，什麼味道都沒有，我繼續撒

338
00:19:57,040 --> 00:19:59,640
‪“你確定是新冠肺炎嗎？
‪不然換一個測試

339
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:02,440
‪你上網去找薇吉丹的歌”

340
00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:06,800
‪他們問說：“你覺得好聽嗎？”
‪我說：“還不錯啊”

341
00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:09,400
‪他們就說：“你真的失去品味了”

342
00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:20,960
‪我很認真看待封城
‪期間我只出門一次

343
00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:25,560
‪參加黑人生存權的示威

344
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:30,400
‪那次滿重要的，因為我們是瀕危物種

345
00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:34,640
‪我們必須出門抗議
‪確保自己會受到保護

346
00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:37,920
‪就像熊貓

347
00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:44,120
‪我年輕時本來想救熊貓
‪因為牠們快絕種了

348
00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:46,760
‪曾經有段時間熊貓只剩四隻

349
00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:50,280
‪有一天，有人數過以後

350
00:20:57,360 --> 00:20:59,280
‪“媽的，熊貓只剩四隻

351
00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:03,200
‪我該打幾通電話了”

352
00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:07,560
‪什麼事情都能抗議，上一次是吵氣候

353
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:09,800
‪去年夏天滿熱的

354
00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:12,960
‪我們跟一些人見過面

355
00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:15,360
‪心裡就想說：“夠了

356
00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:17,880
‪這樣太熱了”

357
00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:21,840
‪所以我們就對太陽抗議

358
00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:25,480
‪好了，我就講到這裡，謝謝大家

359
00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:34,680
{\an8}‪（傑梅爾喜劇俱樂部）

360
00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:36,920
{\an8}‪-喂？
‪-老兄，你在哪裡？

361
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,680
{\an8}‪-大家都在等你
‪-等一下，他在幹嘛？

362
00:21:39,760 --> 00:21:42,200
{\an8}‪-喂？
‪-修我指甲時給我小心點

363
00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:43,120
{\an8}‪（杜拜）

364
00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:44,600
{\an8}‪大家一起噓他

365
00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:48,360
‪喂？你沒在聽啊

366
00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:51,240
‪我當然在聽，吉莫

367
00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:54,000
‪首先，你很沒禮貌

368
00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:55,880
‪至少問個好吧，最近如何？

369
00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:58,280
‪你什麼時候到？

370
00:21:58,360 --> 00:21:59,840
‪他在講什麼？

371
00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:02,480
‪他說什麼？我們應該沒有安排吧？

372
00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:05,000
‪今晚有表演，網飛邀請我們了

373
00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:06,160
‪網飛？

374
00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:09,560
‪好吧，我知道了

375
00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:12,880
‪他們大概寄給我在法國的號碼

376
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:16,240
‪但他們現在要聯絡我在杜拜的號碼

377
00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:19,400
‪我現在是阿聯公民，我們全都是

378
00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:24,520
‪好，你還是能來，到夏佩爾區

379
00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:26,840
‪他在說什麼？

380
00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:29,000
‪大家一起笑他！

381
00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:37,000
‪夠了！

382
00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:40,400
‪吉莫，你不懂，杜拜在阿聯酋

383
00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:44,680
‪就算加上巴黎的新地鐵線
‪應該也沒有直達車

384
00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:48,440
‪這句不錯

385
00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:50,920
‪寫下來，到時印到衣服上

386
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:53,960
‪-你為什麼在杜拜？
‪-猜猜看！

387
00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:55,960
‪我現在是網紅

388
00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:59,040
‪誰在追我這網紅？舉手！

389
00:22:59,120 --> 00:23:00,840
‪大家都在追我這網紅！

390
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:03,480
‪幫我歡呼一下！

391
00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:07,760
‪我要怎麼跟他們說？

392
00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:11,440
‪好吧，跟他們說我在路上

393
00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:14,000
‪如果路上夠順暢，我四個小時後到

394
00:23:14,080 --> 00:23:16,120
‪快掛他電話，我要受不了他了

395
00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:19,280
‪好，走吧！我知道

396
00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:20,320
‪拉我回去

397
00:23:21,520 --> 00:23:25,080
‪喂？

398
00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:42,720
‪看看是誰回來了

399
00:23:44,920 --> 00:23:46,240
‪-帥喔
‪-真的

400
00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:58,880
‪夠了，拜託，我說過我會回來

401
00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:02,840
‪可是，阿本，今晚要吃哈克雷起司

402
00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:11,960
‪我忘記今天是什麼日子

403
00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:15,320
‪好吧，我留下來吧！

404
00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:17,240
‪今晚大玩特玩！

405
00:24:18,120 --> 00:24:19,720
‪酒池肉林開起來！

406
00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:29,600
{\an8}‪好

407
00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:34,880
{\an8}‪大家都好嗎？

408
00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:37,440
{\an8}‪我很高興今晚來到這裡…

409
00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:38,440
{\an8}‪（凱夫亞當斯）

410
00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,720
‪也很高興要來大冰箱攝影

411
00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:43,840
‪我們花了很久裝潢這裡

412
00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:47,600
‪跟各位介紹一下大冰箱

413
00:24:47,680 --> 00:24:49,720
‪我們花了兩年的心血才完工

414
00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:53,480
‪然後我們決定
‪在2020年3月13日開幕

415
00:24:55,440 --> 00:24:56,280
‪對

416
00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:00,280
‪沒錯

417
00:25:00,360 --> 00:25:02,960
‪我們真的超會挑時機

418
00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:06,240
‪我們算得剛剛好，這是我們的優點

419
00:25:06,320 --> 00:25:10,440
‪你們看著我一定想說
‪“大白癡！”我哪知道

420
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:15,080
‪其實2020年3月13日
‪那天不算開幕

421
00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:18,640
‪因為政府3月10日就打給我們說

422
00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:20,240
‪“關店”

423
00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:22,800
‪我們說：“太好了
‪我們也還沒開幕”

424
00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:27,040
‪這樣收拾打掃起來簡單很多

425
00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:30,000
‪我真的很高興看到大家來捧場

426
00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:31,440
‪坐在一起

427
00:25:31,520 --> 00:25:32,880
‪不知道你們有沒有感覺到

428
00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:37,600
‪但在新冠疫情期間
‪人與人之間瀰漫著一種恐懼

429
00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:40,560
‪你們有沒有人在疫情期間出門過？

430
00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:41,880
‪在宵禁之後？

431
00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:47,680
‪有時你在路上看到人
‪他們看著你時心裡就想

432
00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:50,160
‪“你在這裡幹嘛？

433
00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:53,280
‪上頭叫你待在家裡！”

434
00:25:53,360 --> 00:25:56,000
‪你也想說：“啊你咧？”

435
00:25:57,080 --> 00:25:59,600
‪不久之前，晚上11點之後還有宵禁

436
00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:03,200
‪我當時就覺得太扯了
‪是不是很誇張？

437
00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:06,600
‪跟法國人說，晚上11點之後有宵禁

438
00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:09,720
‪我們是法國人
‪你們都知道法國人會怎麼想

439
00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:12,960
‪晚上11點的宵禁
‪法國人晚上8點45分就會說

440
00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:15,600
‪“薇若妮克，別擔心
‪我們來得及回家”

441
00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:19,600
‪晚上9點45分
‪他會說：“我不管啦！

442
00:26:20,360 --> 00:26:22,640
‪有種就來抓我啊！”

443
00:26:23,760 --> 00:26:26,360
‪要怎麼叫人遵守宵禁？

444
00:26:26,440 --> 00:26:29,320
‪我想像中是總理大人
‪站在愛麗舍宮外面

445
00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:30,760
‪手中拿著一個大聲公

446
00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:36,720
‪“你們這群賤貨給我回家找媽媽！”

447
00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:41,840
‪但真的不好過，感覺永無止盡

448
00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:45,800
‪現在還有變種
‪英國變種、印度變種，你們知道嗎？

449
00:26:45,880 --> 00:26:50,160
‪我真心希望很快就會有法國變種

450
00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:53,600
‪我們會很驕傲，法國人最愛國貨了

451
00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:55,120
‪“法國變種！”

452
00:26:55,760 --> 00:26:57,440
‪症狀出現15天後就罷工15天

453
00:26:57,520 --> 00:26:58,480
‪法國變種

454
00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:03,120
‪但新冠病毒也造成一些
‪意外不錯的好東西

455
00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:06,960
‪像是新藉口“我是密切接觸者”
‪你們有沒有用過？

456
00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:10,720
‪你只要有地方不想去
‪“不行，我是密切接觸者”

457
00:27:13,200 --> 00:27:15,160
‪“我不想把病傳給大家”

458
00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:19,520
‪這藉口超瞎，“我不想冒險！”

459
00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:22,880
‪我有個朋友跟女生有約
‪他就說：“我是密切接觸者”

460
00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:25,360
‪我就說他這樣很沒禮貌

461
00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:27,880
‪他說：“不管，我是密切接觸者！”

462
00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:30,520
‪我跟他說
‪“老兄，這是你的婚禮！”

463
00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:34,200
‪那樣很糟糕

464
00:27:36,480 --> 00:27:37,680
‪太扯了

465
00:27:37,760 --> 00:27:39,880
‪但我們至少能打疫苗

466
00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:42,240
‪然後上傳到疫苗護照的
‪應用程式上面

467
00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:44,640
‪你們有看到吧？那個應用程式

468
00:27:44,720 --> 00:27:46,880
‪我看到這個名字，心裡就想

469
00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:49,280
‪“愛麗舍宮有那麼多人
‪在做這款應用程式

470
00:27:49,360 --> 00:27:52,800
‪他們想到的最讚名稱竟然是
‪‘大家一起抗新冠’”

471
00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:55,800
‪這是史上最爛的應用程式名稱！

472
00:27:55,880 --> 00:27:59,560
‪所有的熱門程式名稱都很短
‪IG、臉書、快照

473
00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:01,960
‪感受到了吧？簡短有力

474
00:28:02,040 --> 00:28:04,480
‪他們竟然取出“大家一起抗新冠”

475
00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:08,480
‪可以叫“抗新”、“抗冠”
‪或“齊抗新”，酷一點的名字！

476
00:28:10,280 --> 00:28:11,920
‪結果取出“大家一起抗新冠”

477
00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:14,360
‪拿Tinder來說

478
00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:15,720
‪它就叫Tinder

479
00:28:16,160 --> 00:28:18,200
‪而不是“每個想打炮的人”

480
00:28:20,360 --> 00:28:22,840
‪謝謝大家，感謝捧場

481
00:28:22,920 --> 00:28:26,800
‪我叫凱夫亞當斯
‪請大家掌聲歡迎下一位藝人！

482
00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:28,120
‪祝大家今晚愉快！

483
00:28:35,600 --> 00:28:36,640
{\an8}‪（邦海旻）

484
00:28:36,720 --> 00:28:38,640
{\an8}‪大家對零號病人歡迎得真熱烈

485
00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:51,400
‪跟大家和平碰肘問好

486
00:28:53,880 --> 00:28:55,600
‪我剛從佩皮尼昂回來

487
00:28:56,160 --> 00:28:59,120
‪我是波爾多人
‪我不想聽起來太像巴黎人

488
00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:01,400
‪通常時尚流行會變

489
00:29:01,480 --> 00:29:03,800
‪但佩皮尼昂人彷彿是困在圓環裡

490
00:29:04,440 --> 00:29:06,560
‪大家穿得太五顏六色了

491
00:29:06,640 --> 00:29:09,440
‪佩皮尼昂人的西班牙語
‪就唸成“Desigual”

492
00:29:13,800 --> 00:29:17,880
‪我想帶一隻變色龍回去
‪看牠會不會癲癇發作

493
00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:22,680
‪那裡應該是18新冠的發源地

494
00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:24,640
‪他們不只沒品味，還不長眼

495
00:29:25,960 --> 00:29:28,560
‪太扯了，全世界爆掉

496
00:29:28,640 --> 00:29:31,440
‪起因似乎是有人吃了一隻穿山甲

497
00:29:31,520 --> 00:29:34,120
‪拜託，牠長得像巨型朝鮮薊

498
00:29:37,920 --> 00:29:38,760
‪太扯了

499
00:29:38,840 --> 00:29:43,560
‪如果是黑人或亞洲人得病
‪大家只會擔心

500
00:29:43,640 --> 00:29:46,480
‪但如果有白人病死
‪這就變成全球危機

501
00:29:47,920 --> 00:29:51,080
‪如果新冠肺炎只有在亞洲傳染

502
00:29:51,160 --> 00:29:56,560
‪世衛大概只會給大家兩個隨身碟
‪還送防毒軟體更新

503
00:29:59,080 --> 00:30:04,600
‪我知道了，今年有過跟沒過都一樣

504
00:30:04,680 --> 00:30:08,600
‪因為這聽起來像是大型的“老師說”

505
00:30:09,400 --> 00:30:13,120
‪“老師說：‘拯救生命，待在家’”

506
00:30:13,200 --> 00:30:15,920
‪“老師說：‘出門要戴口罩’”

507
00:30:16,600 --> 00:30:18,360
‪“去投票！”

508
00:30:18,440 --> 00:30:21,080
‪“小馬哥，對不起
‪你忘記說‘老師說’了”

509
00:30:30,800 --> 00:30:36,840
‪他們想弄健康護照
‪管制旅行、去餐廳和看表演

510
00:30:36,920 --> 00:30:40,240
‪在法國搞健康護照
‪根據問卷調查，這個國家

511
00:30:40,320 --> 00:30:44,240
‪有三成的人口沒有每天洗澡

512
00:30:46,840 --> 00:30:50,320
‪自從我們不必戴口罩後
‪我對臉部有全新的發現

513
00:30:50,400 --> 00:30:54,200
‪我昨天遇到朋友，口罩正好滑落

514
00:30:56,400 --> 00:30:58,720
‪“阿邦，怎麼了？

515
00:30:58,800 --> 00:31:00,520
‪是我啊，法蘭索瓦

516
00:31:01,520 --> 00:31:03,840
‪別擔心，我沒有洗手

517
00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:07,120
‪對啊

518
00:31:07,720 --> 00:31:10,640
‪跟他們唱反調就對了

519
00:31:11,760 --> 00:31:15,440
‪我不洗手，而且我從一年前
‪就沒洗過澡了

520
00:31:16,440 --> 00:31:17,880
‪他們要我們浪費水資源

521
00:31:18,520 --> 00:31:19,960
‪地球上人口太多了

522
00:31:21,000 --> 00:31:22,520
‪我在臉書上看到的

523
00:31:23,560 --> 00:31:26,120
‪看吧，七月中還在下雨！

524
00:31:27,240 --> 00:31:28,720
‪他們造成季節錯亂

525
00:31:30,800 --> 00:31:32,120
‪所以我們會沒水可用

526
00:31:32,800 --> 00:31:36,440
‪他們想把我們滅掉
‪我在抖音上看到的

527
00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:40,560
‪希望你沒有打疫苗

528
00:31:40,640 --> 00:31:43,400
‪不知道你有沒有聽說過

529
00:31:43,480 --> 00:31:46,280
‪輝瑞一開始是做威而鋼的

530
00:31:46,760 --> 00:31:50,080
‪他們原本想治好心血管疾病

531
00:31:50,160 --> 00:31:52,840
‪結果他們發現其中一個副作用

532
00:31:52,920 --> 00:31:54,280
‪就是勃起

533
00:31:54,360 --> 00:31:55,840
‪你還沒打疫苗吧？

534
00:31:56,760 --> 00:32:00,960
‪太詭異了，疫苗和5G竟然同時出現

535
00:32:03,080 --> 00:32:04,440
‪他們想控制我們

536
00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:06,000
‪透過無線電波

537
00:32:06,760 --> 00:32:08,000
‪他們在監視我們

538
00:32:08,760 --> 00:32:13,440
‪你想像得到嗎？
‪我們突然全部一起勃起？

539
00:32:14,640 --> 00:32:15,520
‪就這樣

540
00:32:16,200 --> 00:32:17,800
‪這都是他們計畫的一部分！

541
00:32:17,880 --> 00:32:20,480
‪有了5G之後
‪大家彼此之間不會再說話

542
00:32:20,560 --> 00:32:23,240
‪我們沒有愛情、沒有對話、彼此憎恨

543
00:32:23,320 --> 00:32:24,920
‪大家都不生小孩

544
00:32:25,000 --> 00:32:28,600
‪人類完蛋了！

545
00:32:28,680 --> 00:32:30,440
‪我們要幹樹！

546
00:32:30,520 --> 00:32:31,400
‪樹上有洞

547
00:32:32,840 --> 00:32:33,920
‪地上有洞”

548
00:32:34,480 --> 00:32:37,880
‪想像一下！有隻松鼠
‪好好地待在樹裡面

549
00:32:37,960 --> 00:32:40,640
‪突然之間，一根老二擋住牠的視線！

550
00:32:40,720 --> 00:32:42,040
‪被老二困住！

551
00:32:42,520 --> 00:32:44,040
‪地下的土撥鼠

552
00:32:45,200 --> 00:32:47,600
‪泡在精液裡！

553
00:32:48,720 --> 00:32:50,680
‪然後《松鼠新聞》就會報導

554
00:32:52,120 --> 00:32:56,720
‪松鼠澤穆爾說這都是穆斯林的陰謀

555
00:32:57,520 --> 00:33:00,520
‪這些老二上面都沒有包皮

556
00:33:02,640 --> 00:33:03,840
‪你們覺得不好笑嗎？

557
00:33:05,200 --> 00:33:09,080
‪哪裡開始不好笑的
‪是“我們要幹樹！”那段

558
00:33:10,200 --> 00:33:12,400
‪還是“松鼠澤穆爾”那段？

559
00:33:14,480 --> 00:33:16,800
‪你們大概覺得我瘋了

560
00:33:18,880 --> 00:33:21,880
‪但我不知道自己比較想在一群病患中

561
00:33:21,960 --> 00:33:23,680
‪當一個瘋子

562
00:33:23,760 --> 00:33:26,440
‪或是在一群瘋子中

563
00:33:28,480 --> 00:33:29,880
‪當一個病患

564
00:33:30,680 --> 00:33:32,440
‪我是邦海旻，謝謝大家

565
00:33:33,760 --> 00:33:35,120
{\an8}‪已抵達我的目的地？

566
00:33:35,200 --> 00:33:37,920
{\an8}‪我卡在樹上
‪我看起來像泰山嗎？智障！

567
00:33:38,000 --> 00:33:41,880
{\an8}‪請各位掌聲歡迎維利諾先生！

568
00:33:43,760 --> 00:33:45,760
{\an8}‪大家晚安！

569
00:33:45,840 --> 00:33:48,440
{\an8}‪謝謝大家來捧場

570
00:33:48,520 --> 00:33:49,920
{\an8}‪（維利諾）

571
00:33:50,000 --> 00:33:51,560
‪過了這麼久

572
00:33:51,640 --> 00:33:53,240
‪這段時間改變了我的一生

573
00:33:53,320 --> 00:33:55,920
‪我之前做這行是為了逗人笑

574
00:33:56,000 --> 00:33:57,240
‪一年之後

575
00:33:57,800 --> 00:33:59,080
‪我只想說說話

576
00:34:00,040 --> 00:34:01,640
‪你們笑不笑

577
00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:04,160
‪都沒差

578
00:34:04,240 --> 00:34:05,920
‪也許別人會問你

579
00:34:06,000 --> 00:34:08,360
‪“表演好看嗎？”，“他話滿多的”

580
00:34:09,840 --> 00:34:13,679
‪讓我們開開心心，好好享受
‪因為我們不久之前還在打仗

581
00:34:14,520 --> 00:34:17,639
‪是總統說的，一定是真的

582
00:34:18,400 --> 00:34:21,239
‪很好笑“我們在打仗”
‪大家記得那場演說吧？

583
00:34:21,840 --> 00:34:23,840
‪敘利亞在打仗

584
00:34:24,440 --> 00:34:27,120
‪我不會打給他們說：“我們也是！”

585
00:34:28,639 --> 00:34:30,320
‪“你們有沒有去家樂福？

586
00:34:30,920 --> 00:34:33,199
‪連續三天都買不到衛生紙！

587
00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:36,679
‪太慘了”
‪你覺得他們會不會有同感？

588
00:34:36,760 --> 00:34:38,920
‪在巴勒斯坦，到處都有炸彈爆炸

589
00:34:39,000 --> 00:34:41,080
‪“我們在打仗！”，“別抱怨了”

590
00:34:41,159 --> 00:34:43,199
‪“法國還有人咳嗽時要用手臂遮住”

591
00:34:45,280 --> 00:34:47,520
‪打仗？色情網站提供免費訂閱

592
00:34:48,280 --> 00:34:51,480
‪哪種戰爭這樣就能解決？

593
00:34:51,560 --> 00:34:52,679
‪“大家都會瘋掉！”

594
00:34:52,760 --> 00:34:55,239
‪“別擔心，他們會自慰兩個月”

595
00:34:55,320 --> 00:34:57,639
‪“晚上8點，他們會向護士致敬”

596
00:34:58,400 --> 00:35:01,040
‪“做得好！妳們的影片我都看過了”

597
00:35:03,480 --> 00:35:05,960
‪小心一點，有些人會認真過頭

598
00:35:06,040 --> 00:35:08,080
‪50年後還說：“祖父我打過仗呢”

599
00:35:08,800 --> 00:35:09,800
‪“爺爺，多說一點”

600
00:35:09,880 --> 00:35:12,440
‪“當時亞馬遜快遞
‪不送四樓以上的住址”

601
00:35:15,480 --> 00:35:18,920
‪現在沒事了，仗打完了
‪但醫院還是沒有空床

602
00:35:19,000 --> 00:35:21,200
‪這種情況已經持續一年了

603
00:35:21,280 --> 00:35:23,440
‪你們沒有沙發床能借醫院嗎？

604
00:35:23,920 --> 00:35:26,920
‪一年前就沒有床位
‪我們有時間解決這問題

605
00:35:27,000 --> 00:35:28,680
‪但一年以後，我們卻在想

606
00:35:28,760 --> 00:35:31,320
‪新冠肺炎這個字是陰性還是陽性

607
00:35:31,400 --> 00:35:32,800
‪我們在關心這種問題

608
00:35:32,880 --> 00:35:34,960
‪無線網路這詞的詞性都還沒決定

609
00:35:36,280 --> 00:35:38,120
‪但我們最後還是決定了病毒的名字

610
00:35:38,200 --> 00:35:40,520
‪一開始就新型冠狀病毒

611
00:35:41,080 --> 00:35:42,680
‪聽起來像新款的蘋果手機

612
00:35:43,640 --> 00:35:46,200
‪新型冠狀病毒，大家都想要！

613
00:35:46,280 --> 00:35:48,920
‪“我有舊款的，可以拿去更新嗎？”

614
00:35:49,800 --> 00:35:52,640
‪然後變成2019年新冠病毒

615
00:35:53,320 --> 00:35:54,680
‪沒有紅起來

616
00:35:55,240 --> 00:35:58,960
‪一定有人在問
‪“連接號要放在哪邊？”

617
00:36:00,560 --> 00:36:02,040
‪現在叫新冠肺炎

618
00:36:02,120 --> 00:36:05,240
‪世衛秘書長譚德塞

619
00:36:05,320 --> 00:36:08,800
‪解釋說新冠肺炎比較好唸

620
00:36:09,320 --> 00:36:12,560
‪我們乾脆也幫世衛秘書長改名一下

621
00:36:14,320 --> 00:36:16,760
‪拜託，譚德塞筆劃太多了！

622
00:36:16,840 --> 00:36:21,000
‪我們從現在開始就叫你老塞

623
00:36:21,920 --> 00:36:23,440
‪滿順口的

624
00:36:23,520 --> 00:36:24,960
‪現場有父母嗎？

625
00:36:26,400 --> 00:36:30,400
‪你們看著我，心想：“封城真累”

626
00:36:31,040 --> 00:36:33,720
‪封城對我們來說不一樣
‪我有三個兒子

627
00:36:33,800 --> 00:36:36,480
‪我跟單身朋友視訊時，他們都會說

628
00:36:36,560 --> 00:36:37,960
‪“我無聊死了”

629
00:36:38,040 --> 00:36:39,280
‪去死啦！

630
00:36:40,480 --> 00:36:43,920
‪我也發現自己為人父
‪會用什麼方法處理那種情況

631
00:36:44,440 --> 00:36:47,680
‪我不會吼小孩

632
00:36:48,480 --> 00:36:51,000
‪因為我相信現代的教小孩

633
00:36:51,800 --> 00:36:54,120
‪就是陪他們面對人生大小事

634
00:36:55,960 --> 00:36:57,200
‪所以我才不吼他們

635
00:36:57,280 --> 00:37:00,680
‪我不吼他們是因為那樣也沒用
‪就只有這個原因

636
00:37:00,760 --> 00:37:03,960
‪我很羨慕有父親能在路上吼起來
‪就直接…

637
00:37:04,520 --> 00:37:06,960
‪大家瞬間不動，我也想那樣

638
00:37:08,200 --> 00:37:10,360
‪如果我大吼
‪我兒子只會叫我安靜一點

639
00:37:12,560 --> 00:37:15,560
‪“放尊重點，不然我跟你媽告狀”

640
00:37:17,200 --> 00:37:19,240
‪有些爸爸吼得很誇張

641
00:37:19,320 --> 00:37:23,120
‪我家往上三樓有一個人
‪他吼起來連我都怕

642
00:37:24,360 --> 00:37:26,480
‪“孩子們，他會來抓我們

643
00:37:27,800 --> 00:37:29,400
‪他會傷害我們

644
00:37:30,400 --> 00:37:33,200
‪有時候，他會趁我們
‪晚上工作時跑來

645
00:37:33,760 --> 00:37:35,360
‪躲在你們的床下

646
00:37:36,760 --> 00:37:39,560
‪有時候你們說看到影子

647
00:37:40,160 --> 00:37:41,320
‪那其實是他

648
00:37:43,080 --> 00:37:44,840
‪如果門鈴響了，你去應門

649
00:37:46,040 --> 00:37:48,320
‪你最小，我們跟你的感情最淺”

650
00:37:50,720 --> 00:37:55,160
‪說不上來，我單純就是不會吼小孩

651
00:37:55,240 --> 00:37:56,760
‪我不知道要說什麼

652
00:37:56,840 --> 00:37:58,240
‪我罵小孩時

653
00:37:58,320 --> 00:38:00,560
‪都會用我父母當初罵我的話

654
00:38:00,640 --> 00:38:03,440
‪我吼起來就像老人
‪“我會被你氣到中風！”

655
00:38:04,520 --> 00:38:08,000
‪“快被你氣死了
‪你會付出慘痛代價”

656
00:38:08,080 --> 00:38:11,880
‪聽到自己罵出這些話
‪我都想給自己幾拳

657
00:38:13,040 --> 00:38:16,000
‪“你會付出慘痛代價”
‪你們爸媽也會這麼說嗎？

658
00:38:16,080 --> 00:38:19,720
‪這麼罵是想嚇誰啊？
‪我們當初怎麼會怕？

659
00:38:19,800 --> 00:38:23,040
‪我們怎麼會去找哥哥說
‪“我們會付出慘痛代價嗎？

660
00:38:23,120 --> 00:38:25,600
‪爸爸都說了，他一定很認真

661
00:38:26,200 --> 00:38:28,440
‪我們趁要付出慘痛代價前先跑吧！

662
00:38:28,520 --> 00:38:30,840
‪不能走那邊，不然我們會氣死他！”

663
00:38:31,680 --> 00:38:34,160
‪好，以上是我的段子，謝謝大家捧場

664
00:38:35,320 --> 00:38:37,040
‪非常感謝大家！

665
00:38:45,800 --> 00:38:49,320
{\an8}‪晚安！很好！

666
00:38:50,160 --> 00:38:51,640
{\an8}‪我先聲明，我接納所有人

667
00:38:51,720 --> 00:38:52,720
{\an8}‪（哈基姆傑米利）

668
00:38:52,800 --> 00:38:55,360
{\an8}‪我喜歡所有人
‪所有信仰和膚色都可以

669
00:38:55,440 --> 00:38:58,520
‪但有一種人，我對他們恨之入骨

670
00:38:58,600 --> 00:39:00,520
‪這是我在封城時發現的

671
00:39:00,600 --> 00:39:03,360
‪那些有別墅的人

672
00:39:04,800 --> 00:39:06,600
‪那些有錢的王八蛋！

673
00:39:07,200 --> 00:39:10,560
‪我發誓要打垮資產階級！

674
00:39:10,640 --> 00:39:12,480
‪有太多人跟我炫耀了

675
00:39:12,560 --> 00:39:16,080
‪因為我住的地方
‪甚至不是我自己的屋子

676
00:39:16,160 --> 00:39:19,880
‪有些人會跟我說：“哈基姆，封城時

677
00:39:19,960 --> 00:39:22,600
‪我會跟親家去普羅旺斯艾克斯

678
00:39:22,680 --> 00:39:25,800
‪他們家滿棒的
‪還有泳池，他們很有錢”

679
00:39:26,440 --> 00:39:27,760
‪我的親家

680
00:39:28,640 --> 00:39:33,320
‪他們家就是我家，懂了吧？

681
00:39:33,400 --> 00:39:35,320
‪認真的，我家

682
00:39:35,400 --> 00:39:37,800
‪窮人只能跟窮人通婚

683
00:39:37,880 --> 00:39:39,200
‪我們從小就窮

684
00:39:39,280 --> 00:39:41,920
‪跟我們結婚的人
‪家裡都沒什麼財產可繼承

685
00:39:42,000 --> 00:39:46,080
‪我太太跟我說過：“別那麼說
‪我們有很棒的文化傳承”

686
00:39:46,160 --> 00:39:50,680
‪我說：“他媽的文化傳承
‪全部都留給妳”

687
00:39:50,760 --> 00:39:54,920
‪用文化傳承繳帳單試試看

688
00:39:55,000 --> 00:39:57,200
‪“我身上沒有現金

689
00:39:58,280 --> 00:40:00,720
‪但我有美麗的橄欖，可以嗎？”

690
00:40:01,320 --> 00:40:04,200
‪拜託，文化傳承太可笑了

691
00:40:04,280 --> 00:40:07,520
‪有別墅的人真的很討厭

692
00:40:07,600 --> 00:40:09,560
‪有些人有別墅

693
00:40:09,640 --> 00:40:13,680
‪你們知道我們這種住破爛公寓的人
‪封城有多難熬嗎？

694
00:40:13,760 --> 00:40:15,840
‪那根本不是公寓，是公車站

695
00:40:15,920 --> 00:40:19,320
‪真的，睡覺時腳還會碰到冰箱

696
00:40:19,400 --> 00:40:20,360
‪什麼都聽得到

697
00:40:20,440 --> 00:40:23,360
‪牆壁又不厚，我們什麼都聽得到

698
00:40:23,440 --> 00:40:25,600
‪是真的，根本沒有生活可言

699
00:40:26,280 --> 00:40:27,840
‪我很氣一個鄰居

700
00:40:27,920 --> 00:40:32,240
‪封城前，我鄰居常常會跟我借鹽

701
00:40:32,320 --> 00:40:33,760
‪他常常來借鹽

702
00:40:34,520 --> 00:40:36,840
‪我兩個月沒看到他

703
00:40:36,920 --> 00:40:38,280
‪他回來後，我說

704
00:40:38,360 --> 00:40:40,560
‪“朱利安！”那可憐蟲叫朱利安

705
00:40:42,160 --> 00:40:43,840
‪“你封城時跑哪去了？”

706
00:40:43,920 --> 00:40:46,480
‪“我躲去諾曼第的別墅”

707
00:40:47,640 --> 00:40:50,240
‪“把鹽還我，王八蛋”

708
00:40:50,320 --> 00:40:54,200
‪封城時可能連我的鹽過得都比我好

709
00:40:54,760 --> 00:40:56,600
‪我好氣我的鹽

710
00:40:56,680 --> 00:40:59,640
‪我不管，以後吃薯條我只灑糖

711
00:40:59,720 --> 00:41:02,720
‪封城時還有一件事我很討厭

712
00:41:02,800 --> 00:41:05,320
‪主題標籤“待在家”，你們記得嗎？

713
00:41:06,480 --> 00:41:07,800
‪“待在家”

714
00:41:07,880 --> 00:41:10,080
‪這句話每個人說起來的分量不一樣

715
00:41:10,160 --> 00:41:12,840
‪像我們這種平常人，的確很有心

716
00:41:12,920 --> 00:41:14,720
‪C羅那種人則否

717
00:41:15,520 --> 00:41:17,480
‪我看過C羅的報導

718
00:41:17,560 --> 00:41:21,240
‪C羅，如果你在看，聽好了

719
00:41:21,920 --> 00:41:24,160
‪你當然肯待在家

720
00:41:24,240 --> 00:41:27,240
‪我看過你的報導
‪還有你2萬7千多公頃的花園！

721
00:41:27,320 --> 00:41:30,400
‪他的花園大到有自己的收費站

722
00:41:30,480 --> 00:41:33,480
‪而且橫跨兩個氣候帶
‪赤道氣候和熱帶氣候

723
00:41:33,560 --> 00:41:37,240
‪他可以在一天之內又滑雪又做日光浴
‪那樣一點也不平凡

724
00:41:38,080 --> 00:41:40,760
‪C羅，那樣太扯了

725
00:41:40,840 --> 00:41:42,560
‪想到就煩

726
00:41:42,640 --> 00:41:45,120
‪但有一刻滿棒的

727
00:41:45,200 --> 00:41:47,840
‪你們都記得第一次封城時
‪我們感到多厭煩吧？

728
00:41:47,920 --> 00:41:49,960
‪大家都想出門呼吸新鮮空氣

729
00:41:50,040 --> 00:41:54,160
‪有件事幫了很大的忙
‪特拉奧雷事件引起的抗議

730
00:41:54,920 --> 00:41:56,880
‪巴黎人全都出門抗議

731
00:41:56,960 --> 00:42:00,040
‪他們不是想支持這議題
‪只是想呼吸新鮮空氣

732
00:42:02,000 --> 00:42:03,560
‪我注意到有人是裝的

733
00:42:03,640 --> 00:42:06,280
‪我去過很多場抗議

734
00:42:06,360 --> 00:42:08,440
‪我很享受現場的氣氛

735
00:42:08,520 --> 00:42:12,560
‪我在家時會看社群媒體
‪關注大家都在聊什麼

736
00:42:12,640 --> 00:42:16,240
‪我看到很多很誇張的說詞
‪有一個女人發推文說

737
00:42:16,320 --> 00:42:20,000
‪“我對這場抗議有點失望”

738
00:42:20,080 --> 00:42:22,080
‪我不太明白她幹嘛講這個

739
00:42:22,920 --> 00:42:25,560
‪是因為她不喜歡催淚瓦斯嗎？
‪我也不知道

740
00:42:26,240 --> 00:42:30,840
‪“我對這場抗議很失望
‪我為了看法利去現場

741
00:42:32,080 --> 00:42:35,000
‪結果看到哈基姆傑米利”
‪她的推文是這麼寫的

742
00:42:35,680 --> 00:42:38,120
‪我令人感到失望，那真是…

743
00:42:38,760 --> 00:42:43,760
‪有些人參加抗議
‪只是想看名人，而不是要抗議

744
00:42:43,840 --> 00:42:46,720
‪但我承認自己也很生氣
‪因為我是為了看歐馬希才去的

745
00:42:46,800 --> 00:42:48,800
‪結果看到法利，氣死我了

746
00:42:48,880 --> 00:42:51,960
‪謝謝大家，我是哈基姆傑米利
‪祝你們今晚愉快

747
00:42:55,520 --> 00:42:57,080
‪謝謝！替自己歡呼一下！

748
00:43:04,280 --> 00:43:05,280
{\an8}‪晚安

749
00:43:16,000 --> 00:43:16,920
‪（薩法蒂夫人喜劇俱樂部）

750
00:43:17,000 --> 00:43:19,080
{\an8}‪記得，照我說的做

751
00:43:19,160 --> 00:43:20,880
{\an8}‪因為她管得很嚴

752
00:43:20,960 --> 00:43:23,760
‪法利，你沒聽懂，這裡不能攝影

753
00:43:23,840 --> 00:43:25,440
‪-我什麼都還沒說
‪-說啊

754
00:43:25,520 --> 00:43:27,600
‪-他是艾邁德西拉，妳認識他嗎？
‪-你好

755
00:43:27,680 --> 00:43:30,600
‪他也演戲
‪《不一樣》還獲得凱薩獎提名

756
00:43:30,680 --> 00:43:32,560
‪-電影耶
‪-別說了

757
00:43:32,640 --> 00:43:37,520
‪還有哈基姆，艾邁德西拉很會演耶！

758
00:43:37,600 --> 00:43:39,680
‪-演女人
‪-不要鬧！

759
00:43:39,760 --> 00:43:42,040
‪-拜託
‪-你認真的？

760
00:43:42,680 --> 00:43:45,240
‪晚安，我能進去嗎？

761
00:43:45,320 --> 00:43:47,840
‪-他真有才華
‪-對吧，法利？

762
00:43:47,920 --> 00:43:49,880
‪只有這樣？模仿女人講話？

763
00:43:49,960 --> 00:43:53,680
‪對啊，一點創意都沒有，演廢物

764
00:43:53,760 --> 00:43:56,440
‪女士，我們要進去
‪為什麼？我告訴妳原因…

765
00:43:56,520 --> 00:43:57,560
‪南部來的廢物

766
00:43:57,640 --> 00:44:01,400
‪-重要的是…
‪-大聲一點，講出南部腔

767
00:44:01,480 --> 00:44:03,000
‪我們想進去

768
00:44:03,080 --> 00:44:06,720
‪-演哲學系教授
‪-佛洛伊德說過…

769
00:44:06,800 --> 00:44:09,680
‪-廢物腔拿掉，演哲學教授就好
‪-等等…孟德斯鳩！

770
00:44:12,280 --> 00:44:14,880
‪-憂鬱版的
‪-好了

771
00:44:14,960 --> 00:44:17,480
‪-放出床蝨！
‪-請專心看他就好

772
00:44:17,560 --> 00:44:20,640
‪法國國家隊教練
‪在歐洲盃輸球的樣子

773
00:44:20,720 --> 00:44:22,600
‪我的確認為…

774
00:44:22,680 --> 00:44:24,920
‪法國國家隊教練贏得世界盃的樣子

775
00:44:25,000 --> 00:44:27,080
‪我的確認為…

776
00:44:27,160 --> 00:44:29,360
‪紅牌！洛朗勃朗！

777
00:44:29,440 --> 00:44:31,960
‪“不准攝影”你是哪裡沒聽懂？

778
00:44:33,400 --> 00:44:34,800
‪-好吧
‪-伯納特拉瑪！

779
00:44:34,880 --> 00:44:37,400
‪你只是喊名字，不是模仿

780
00:44:37,480 --> 00:44:40,600
‪-維吉德姆！
‪-我沒想到他，厲害喔

781
00:44:40,680 --> 00:44:42,200
‪-是吧
‪-你根本沒在模仿人

782
00:44:42,280 --> 00:44:44,760
‪謝天謝地她走了
‪我想不到可以模仿誰了

783
00:44:44,840 --> 00:44:46,920
‪-媽的
‪-我去解釋

784
00:44:47,000 --> 00:44:50,120
‪她不喜歡模仿，所以才拒絕我們

785
00:44:50,200 --> 00:44:52,640
‪我瞭解她，你要的話
‪我可以幫你解決

786
00:44:52,720 --> 00:44:55,520
‪-你去吧
‪-他嚇到我了

787
00:44:55,600 --> 00:44:58,920
‪你嚇到是應該的
‪怎麼不會嚇到？這傢伙很恐怖

788
00:44:59,000 --> 00:45:00,800
‪我沒人可模仿了

789
00:45:01,560 --> 00:45:02,640
‪不對，還有一招

790
00:45:04,720 --> 00:45:06,320
‪鮮奶油

791
00:45:06,400 --> 00:45:09,520
‪問題就是我周遭的人都是白癡

792
00:45:09,600 --> 00:45:12,560
‪-我…
‪-你能加一顆草莓

793
00:45:12,640 --> 00:45:15,360
‪-好了，一切都處理好了
‪-走吧

794
00:45:15,440 --> 00:45:16,840
‪但你們不能進來

795
00:45:16,920 --> 00:45:20,040
‪你在講什麼？這裡是我的地盤

796
00:45:20,120 --> 00:45:21,760
‪我們之後再談

797
00:45:21,840 --> 00:45:26,000
‪不是，哈基姆，薩法蒂夫人是法利的
‪他在開玩笑

798
00:45:26,080 --> 00:45:26,920
‪不是…

799
00:45:27,000 --> 00:45:30,480
‪滾！給我滾出去！

800
00:45:30,560 --> 00:45:32,120
‪-好
‪-我們要走了

801
00:45:32,200 --> 00:45:35,120
‪我們沒空看你的破爛模仿！

802
00:45:35,200 --> 00:45:38,680
‪一群小丑！我也會模仿！

803
00:45:38,760 --> 00:45:39,680
‪布爾維爾！

804
00:45:41,320 --> 00:45:43,040
‪我的電動摩托車在哪裡？

805
00:45:44,800 --> 00:45:46,120
‪路易德菲內斯！

806
00:45:50,160 --> 00:45:51,760
‪剛剛演得不好

807
00:45:52,480 --> 00:45:55,680
‪路易！他是我在小學的朋友！

808
00:45:55,760 --> 00:45:56,920
‪哈基姆，你好嗎？

809
00:46:01,520 --> 00:46:04,840
{\an8}‪（由皮耶艾曼紐巴爾主講）

810
00:46:05,520 --> 00:46:08,680
{\an8}‪晚安，接下來的單元…

811
00:46:08,760 --> 00:46:09,880
{\an8}‪（皮耶艾曼紐巴爾）

812
00:46:09,960 --> 00:46:11,480
‪…是我新開的研討會

813
00:46:11,560 --> 00:46:14,480
‪在場所有人參加完之後
‪都能滿載而歸

814
00:46:14,560 --> 00:46:18,080
‪你們會覺得更有文化
‪我則是口袋更滿

815
00:46:18,160 --> 00:46:19,680
‪互利互惠

816
00:46:19,760 --> 00:46:23,160
‪或是爛人們常說的共利雙贏

817
00:46:23,240 --> 00:46:27,760
‪如你們所見
‪這場研討會的目標很簡單

818
00:46:27,840 --> 00:46:30,800
‪舉例來說，螢幕上會出現一道問題

819
00:46:30,880 --> 00:46:33,440
‪“RNA病毒跟功能性匱乏的

820
00:46:33,520 --> 00:46:36,160
‪細胞毒性T細胞之間
‪有什麼關聯性？”

821
00:46:36,240 --> 00:46:38,520
‪-請回答
‪-是

822
00:46:40,360 --> 00:46:41,400
‪答案是：“否”

823
00:46:41,880 --> 00:46:42,920
‪今晚有得講了

824
00:46:43,000 --> 00:46:45,920
‪我們可以把過程變得更簡單

825
00:46:46,000 --> 00:46:49,920
‪不要用一問一答的形式
‪而是直接給答案

826
00:46:50,000 --> 00:46:52,440
‪舉例來說“為了更常打炮”

827
00:46:53,160 --> 00:46:57,960
‪但這種答案會引起更多問題
‪因為這樣簡單的答案

828
00:46:58,040 --> 00:47:00,640
‪有可能對應到很多問題

829
00:47:00,720 --> 00:47:02,360
‪我們想得到的

830
00:47:02,440 --> 00:47:05,880
‪“你為什麼要註冊Tinder？”
‪“為了更常打炮”

831
00:47:05,960 --> 00:47:10,000
‪或是“為什麼你要在蘋果醬裡面
‪放迷姦藥？”

832
00:47:11,040 --> 00:47:13,960
‪不必擔心，我只用有機蘋果醬

833
00:47:14,520 --> 00:47:17,440
‪我最重視兒童健康了

834
00:47:17,520 --> 00:47:21,520
‪但讓我們開始討論
‪今晚研討會的主題

835
00:47:21,600 --> 00:47:25,440
‪有關目前政府公布的數據

836
00:47:25,520 --> 00:47:27,520
‪這些數據非常驚人，請看

837
00:47:27,600 --> 00:47:31,040
‪“25死，997人在加護病房”

838
00:47:31,120 --> 00:47:35,440
‪太糟糕了，這還只是
‪警察暴力造成的數據

839
00:47:36,080 --> 00:47:38,880
‪我們還沒收到新冠疫情的部分

840
00:47:38,960 --> 00:47:41,800
‪這場健康危機

841
00:47:41,880 --> 00:47:45,840
‪不只造成人類傷亡慘重
‪還引起了很多問題

842
00:47:46,640 --> 00:47:48,960
‪“我們現在打招呼改用碰肘問好

843
00:47:49,040 --> 00:47:52,360
‪這樣菲利普克羅伊森
‪還能拿殘障手冊嗎？”

844
00:47:52,440 --> 00:47:55,680
‪“蘇菲達萬特
‪準備好面對這個新世界了嗎？”

845
00:47:56,240 --> 00:47:59,280
‪當然還有大家都在意的問題

846
00:47:59,360 --> 00:48:01,800
‪“我太太失去味覺和嗅覺了

847
00:48:01,880 --> 00:48:04,360
‪我應該繼續清洗老二嗎？”

848
00:48:05,440 --> 00:48:09,760
‪與其快速帶過這些問題的答案

849
00:48:09,840 --> 00:48:12,560
‪我決定要專注在一個問題上
‪並深入探討

850
00:48:12,640 --> 00:48:15,080
‪“面對健康危機時

851
00:48:15,160 --> 00:48:19,240
‪我們要失敗多少次
‪才會被大家當成白癡？”

852
00:48:19,960 --> 00:48:24,320
‪提問人是住在圖凱的馬氏男子
‪大家都叫他艾曼紐

853
00:48:24,400 --> 00:48:27,120
‪艾曼紐，你好，謝謝你的提問

854
00:48:27,200 --> 00:48:31,600
‪的確，2020年1月以來
‪政府的確有幾個地方

855
00:48:31,680 --> 00:48:34,760
‪令人詬病

856
00:48:34,840 --> 00:48:36,480
‪我列了一份清單

857
00:48:37,120 --> 00:48:39,000
‪“我們在法國很安全”

858
00:48:39,080 --> 00:48:41,000
‪“小心，病毒要來了”

859
00:48:41,080 --> 00:48:43,080
‪“我們在機場掛了宣導海報”

860
00:48:43,160 --> 00:48:45,240
‪“只是感冒”，“待在家”

861
00:48:45,320 --> 00:48:46,680
‪“去投票”

862
00:48:46,760 --> 00:48:48,240
‪“醫院準備好了”

863
00:48:48,320 --> 00:48:50,000
‪“手術衣用完了，改用垃圾袋”

864
00:48:50,080 --> 00:48:51,680
‪“我們有呼吸器”

865
00:48:51,760 --> 00:48:54,480
‪“我們沒有呼吸器”
‪“我們已經叫貨了”

866
00:48:54,560 --> 00:48:57,320
‪“糟糕，訂錯型號了”

867
00:48:57,400 --> 00:49:00,640
‪“我們有很多口罩”
‪“抱歉，都被我們燒掉了”

868
00:49:00,720 --> 00:49:03,600
‪“口罩沒用”
‪“我們要強制戴口罩”

869
00:49:03,680 --> 00:49:06,520
‪“封城一定會成功”
‪“解封也會成功”

870
00:49:06,600 --> 00:49:09,560
‪“小孩不會傳染”，“小心小孩”

871
00:49:09,640 --> 00:49:11,160
‪“他們傳染性很強”

872
00:49:11,240 --> 00:49:14,440
‪“我們要重開學校”
‪“學校不會造成傳染”

873
00:49:14,520 --> 00:49:18,000
‪“醫療人員表現得很好
‪必須給他們嘉獎”

874
00:49:18,080 --> 00:49:20,600
‪“我們會頒獎牌給他們”

875
00:49:20,680 --> 00:49:24,880
‪“我們要幫學生
‪我們會給學生文化通行證”

876
00:49:24,960 --> 00:49:26,800
‪“只有英國有英國變種”

877
00:49:26,880 --> 00:49:29,880
‪“只有巴西有巴西變種”
‪“只有印度有印度變種”

878
00:49:29,960 --> 00:49:32,000
‪“小心，變種病毒即將來襲”

879
00:49:33,000 --> 00:49:34,440
‪“疫苗會準時到貨”

880
00:49:34,520 --> 00:49:36,600
‪“糟糕，疫苗延遲交貨了”

881
00:49:36,680 --> 00:49:38,560
‪“我們會開放疫苗專利”

882
00:49:38,640 --> 00:49:40,760
‪“我們不會開放專利”

883
00:49:40,840 --> 00:49:44,920
‪“以防賽諾菲的朋友
‪在2067年發明疫苗”

884
00:49:45,520 --> 00:49:47,600
‪如你們所見

885
00:49:48,400 --> 00:49:50,840
‪螢幕上有點亂

886
00:49:50,920 --> 00:49:53,880
‪馬克宏唯一成功的就是感染新冠肺炎

887
00:49:53,960 --> 00:49:55,920
‪即便如此，他也痊癒了

888
00:49:56,000 --> 00:49:58,800
‪他在疫情中的學習速度

889
00:49:58,880 --> 00:50:01,440
‪就跟參加環法的四肢癱瘓車手一樣快

890
00:50:01,520 --> 00:50:03,440
‪他每一步都失敗了

891
00:50:03,520 --> 00:50:08,040
‪因此我建議大家看看以下數據

892
00:50:08,120 --> 00:50:09,880
‪18萬歐元、1萬5千歐元

893
00:50:09,960 --> 00:50:13,920
‪這是在國家行政學院畢業所需的學費

894
00:50:14,000 --> 00:50:17,920
‪下面則是通科暨職業適應班的學費

895
00:50:18,000 --> 00:50:24,720
‪我們不禁要想
‪為什麼領導人都從這裡挑

896
00:50:24,800 --> 00:50:27,000
‪其實我們能從這裡挑

897
00:50:27,800 --> 00:50:30,400
‪能力一樣，費用更低

898
00:50:30,480 --> 00:50:32,920
‪普羅大眾都能獲得好處

899
00:50:33,480 --> 00:50:38,040
‪要展現出艾曼紐馬克宏
‪在這場嚴重危機中

900
00:50:38,120 --> 00:50:39,760
‪表現得有多失敗

901
00:50:39,840 --> 00:50:43,520
‪只要看看這一長串被害者就能明白

902
00:50:44,600 --> 00:50:45,560
‪艾德華菲利普

903
00:50:47,120 --> 00:50:48,280
‪穆里爾佩尼考

904
00:50:49,040 --> 00:50:50,320
‪克里斯多弗卡斯塔納

905
00:50:50,840 --> 00:50:52,240
‪阿涅絲比贊

906
00:50:52,320 --> 00:50:54,000
‪妮可貝魯貝

907
00:50:54,080 --> 00:50:56,280
‪人才流失太快

908
00:50:57,280 --> 00:50:58,400
‪短短的一年半間

909
00:50:58,480 --> 00:51:01,600
‪馬克宏換掉的部長
‪比換掉的口罩還多

910
00:51:01,680 --> 00:51:05,120
‪所以內閣重組有效果嗎？

911
00:51:05,200 --> 00:51:06,720
‪答案是否定的

912
00:51:06,800 --> 00:51:11,600
‪你腹瀉時，就算換掉內褲
‪十分鐘之後還是會弄髒

913
00:51:11,680 --> 00:51:15,240
‪因為上頭的賤屁眼還是一樣

914
00:51:16,440 --> 00:51:18,560
‪內閣重組也是一樣的道理

915
00:51:18,640 --> 00:51:21,640
‪謝謝大家捧場，我是皮耶艾曼紐巴爾

916
00:51:28,560 --> 00:51:30,240
{\an8}‪你們好，大家都好嗎？

917
00:51:32,200 --> 00:51:34,400
{\an8}‪經歷過封城之後
‪大家很高興又能出門吧？

918
00:51:34,480 --> 00:51:35,520
{\an8}‪（費德莉卡馬拉）

919
00:51:35,600 --> 00:51:38,760
{\an8}‪我倒是覺得有點掃興
‪因為我很享受封城時光

920
00:51:38,840 --> 00:51:41,840
‪我真的很喜歡那段時間

921
00:51:41,920 --> 00:51:44,840
‪我很宅，也喜歡獨自生活

922
00:51:44,920 --> 00:51:47,640
‪我唯一的問題就是
‪我先生也要陪我待在家裡

923
00:51:48,320 --> 00:51:51,320
‪我真的愛他，但一天只愛兩小時

924
00:51:52,240 --> 00:51:54,840
‪每天早上3點到5點他睡覺的時候

925
00:51:54,920 --> 00:51:57,240
‪有時候他會氣死我

926
00:51:57,320 --> 00:52:02,000
‪你們不懂，他真的會惹毛我

927
00:52:02,080 --> 00:52:05,640
‪把我惹到我眼睛盯著他，心裡就想…

928
00:52:05,720 --> 00:52:07,840
‪順帶一提，他不該讓我動腦

929
00:52:07,920 --> 00:52:09,920
‪我看著他，心裡就想

930
00:52:11,960 --> 00:52:14,200
‪“坐牢三個月也還好吧？”

931
00:52:15,400 --> 00:52:18,200
‪沒什麼大不了的！送他喉嚨一拳

932
00:52:18,280 --> 00:52:20,640
‪像《俠盜獵車手》那樣揍一下
‪我就能去坐牢

933
00:52:21,320 --> 00:52:23,000
‪他真的很會惹毛我

934
00:52:23,080 --> 00:52:25,640
‪我在當下就意識到跟人同居真困難

935
00:52:26,360 --> 00:52:30,320
‪跟人同居最困難的地方
‪就是他們要住在你家

936
00:52:30,400 --> 00:52:32,720
‪他過自己的生活，但都在你眼前

937
00:52:33,720 --> 00:52:36,480
‪時間一久，你會開始注意到缺點

938
00:52:36,560 --> 00:52:38,640
‪還有他身上所有令你煩躁的習慣

939
00:52:39,280 --> 00:52:41,080
‪連吃飯也是

940
00:52:43,200 --> 00:52:45,200
‪“看看那副吃相”

941
00:52:48,080 --> 00:52:50,960
‪就連他喝水時
‪我都聽得到喉嚨的聲音

942
00:52:53,160 --> 00:52:54,640
‪讓你想幹掉他

943
00:52:56,400 --> 00:52:58,360
‪但我必須承認，我也有缺點

944
00:52:59,160 --> 00:53:02,360
‪我有潔癖

945
00:53:02,440 --> 00:53:03,760
‪讓我解釋一下

946
00:53:03,840 --> 00:53:06,520
‪如果我手濕了，我不能碰門把

947
00:53:06,600 --> 00:53:09,680
‪沒有腳踏墊，我洗完澡會出不來

948
00:53:09,760 --> 00:53:13,160
‪大家都用過這支麥克風
‪我現在雖然故作鎮定，但是…

949
00:53:14,520 --> 00:53:16,040
‪我覺得渾身不舒服！

950
00:53:17,040 --> 00:53:19,320
‪當局公布各種措施後，大家都說

951
00:53:19,400 --> 00:53:20,760
‪“我現在回家後

952
00:53:20,840 --> 00:53:23,680
‪要把手、手機和雜貨都洗一遍”

953
00:53:23,760 --> 00:53:25,800
‪我就說：“不然你之前都怎麼做？”

954
00:53:26,800 --> 00:53:30,240
‪你們有沒有看到叫人要洗手的廣告？

955
00:53:31,360 --> 00:53:33,760
‪我們以前到底住哪裡？

956
00:53:34,240 --> 00:53:35,680
‪說真的！

957
00:53:36,880 --> 00:53:40,880
‪我也意識到我跟朋友
‪對骯髒的定義不太一樣

958
00:53:40,960 --> 00:53:43,560
‪我覺得很髒的東西
‪我朋友卻覺得沒關係，很奇怪！

959
00:53:43,640 --> 00:53:47,440
‪女生喜歡聊性生活，但我比較害羞

960
00:53:47,520 --> 00:53:51,440
‪有時候她們會告訴我一些故事
‪我會裝作自己很明白

961
00:53:51,520 --> 00:53:53,000
‪但我心裡其實在想…

962
00:53:54,760 --> 00:53:57,880
‪“靠，她真的那麼做嗎？
‪我沒想到妳是那種人

963
00:53:58,680 --> 00:53:59,920
‪真柔軟！”

964
00:54:01,440 --> 00:54:03,880
‪但其中一人毫無底線

965
00:54:03,960 --> 00:54:06,760
‪她會講太多細節

966
00:54:06,840 --> 00:54:10,560
‪她讓我很不舒服
‪因為她會邊看我邊說

967
00:54:10,640 --> 00:54:13,600
‪“費德莉，我喜歡這樣和那樣”
‪然後我就想…

968
00:54:14,600 --> 00:54:17,080
‪“她是在講故事
‪還是要我加入她？”

969
00:54:17,680 --> 00:54:21,120
‪她還跟我聊到鞭子和鉗子

970
00:54:21,200 --> 00:54:23,440
‪她就說：“看來我們滿色的”

971
00:54:23,520 --> 00:54:26,560
‪我就說：“妳那叫過激”

972
00:54:27,520 --> 00:54:28,800
‪她回說：“也許吧

973
00:54:29,880 --> 00:54:33,240
‪我就喜歡他把手指放到我嘴巴裡”

974
00:54:33,320 --> 00:54:34,880
‪那樣髒死了！

975
00:54:35,600 --> 00:54:37,440
‪他為什麼要那麼做？

976
00:54:37,520 --> 00:54:39,720
‪那又不是PCR檢測，他要出國嗎？

977
00:54:41,400 --> 00:54:44,040
‪謝謝，我是費德莉卡馬拉

978
00:55:01,400 --> 00:55:02,680
{\an8}‪你們都好嗎？

979
00:55:02,760 --> 00:55:03,600
{\an8}‪（雪莉索格農）

980
00:55:03,680 --> 00:55:07,040
{\an8}‪我真的很高興能替網飛拍片

981
00:55:07,120 --> 00:55:09,640
‪開始前，我想要坦白一件事

982
00:55:09,720 --> 00:55:12,520
‪我很久之前替他們拍過片
‪兩三年前了

983
00:55:12,600 --> 00:55:16,160
‪當時辦在一個小場地
‪現場還有不錯的藍芽喇叭

984
00:55:16,240 --> 00:55:19,840
‪我就想：“這是網飛耶”
‪所以我就把它們偷走，就這樣

985
00:55:19,920 --> 00:55:21,920
‪我把藍芽喇叭偷走

986
00:55:22,000 --> 00:55:26,600
‪我真的覺得很羞恥
‪因為上面還寫著“送給雪莉”

987
00:55:28,800 --> 00:55:31,160
‪我偷走送自己的禮物，太糟了

988
00:55:31,880 --> 00:55:33,200
‪我連謝謝都沒說

989
00:55:34,600 --> 00:55:38,920
‪疫情期間，大家終於瞭解我的心境

990
00:55:39,000 --> 00:55:42,320
‪他們注意到政府和社會裡的前後矛盾

991
00:55:42,400 --> 00:55:43,560
‪歡迎來到我的人生

992
00:55:43,640 --> 00:55:46,480
‪“我出門前還要跟自己申請？”

993
00:55:46,560 --> 00:55:49,240
‪“戴口罩？不戴口罩？不知道耶”

994
00:55:49,320 --> 00:55:50,880
‪這就是我的人生故事

995
00:55:50,960 --> 00:55:53,480
‪“我胸前一片平坦
‪幹嘛要穿胸罩？”

996
00:55:54,880 --> 00:55:58,160
‪“你要我支持什麼？父權制度嗎？”

997
00:55:58,720 --> 00:56:00,320
‪我不懂你們要我怎樣

998
00:56:00,400 --> 00:56:01,560
‪對吧？

999
00:56:02,040 --> 00:56:05,440
‪壓力好大，逼人一定要穿胸罩
‪真的很沮喪

1000
00:56:05,520 --> 00:56:09,840
‪不久前，我去海灘
‪有一個奶子比我還大的男人

1001
00:56:10,440 --> 00:56:12,160
‪上面還長毛！

1002
00:56:13,080 --> 00:56:15,040
‪“你應該把那對奶子遮起來！”

1003
00:56:15,120 --> 00:56:19,000
‪我的身體很適合抹油
‪我在海灘上不怕人看

1004
00:56:20,920 --> 00:56:24,040
‪我身軀漂亮
‪我之前上傳一張照片到IG上

1005
00:56:24,960 --> 00:56:27,600
‪我當時直接上空
‪但貼文沒有被刪掉…

1006
00:56:28,400 --> 00:56:29,600
‪我的前胸很好看

1007
00:56:30,600 --> 00:56:33,760
‪我的狗也在照片裡
‪我有一個乳頭入鏡

1008
00:56:33,840 --> 00:56:36,760
‪有人留言說：“那是飼料嗎？”

1009
00:56:37,960 --> 00:56:39,880
‪我的前胸很好看

1010
00:56:39,960 --> 00:56:43,080
‪我從很久以前就覺得
‪世上有很多矛盾的地方

1011
00:56:43,160 --> 00:56:45,760
‪說來好笑，我周遭
‪在搞藝術的朋友都很生氣

1012
00:56:45,840 --> 00:56:48,040
‪因為他們被當成非必要人員

1013
00:56:48,640 --> 00:56:53,560
‪其中大部分是白人
‪“非必要人員是什麼意思？”

1014
00:56:53,640 --> 00:56:55,520
‪“第一次特別難受”

1015
00:56:56,400 --> 00:56:59,440
‪“你之後會習慣
‪別擔心，乖乖坐下”

1016
00:56:59,520 --> 00:57:02,360
‪“我們發明了一些超讚的東西
‪像是嘻哈，聽過嗎？”

1017
00:57:03,120 --> 00:57:04,880
‪“如果還不夠，我這裡有大麻”

1018
00:57:05,760 --> 00:57:08,360
‪說真的，這些影片令人非常震驚

1019
00:57:09,000 --> 00:57:12,560
‪“我是非必要人員”

1020
00:57:12,640 --> 00:57:14,440
‪那就是原因，別再鬧了

1021
00:57:15,360 --> 00:57:19,840
‪被當成非必要人員也有一個好處

1022
00:57:19,920 --> 00:57:23,200
‪你會想起自己並非長生不老
‪那點很重要

1023
00:57:24,040 --> 00:57:27,640
‪這句話很優雅吧？應該能寫成書

1024
00:57:29,440 --> 00:57:32,520
‪但是真的，當非必要人員滿爽的

1025
00:57:32,600 --> 00:57:35,280
‪因為你會開始思考
‪“我能改變自己的人生”

1026
00:57:35,360 --> 00:57:37,720
‪看到有人想起自己可能會死
‪滿好玩的

1027
00:57:37,800 --> 00:57:40,600
‪“我們會死！”，“本來就會”

1028
00:57:41,240 --> 00:57:42,880
‪“但這次是真的”

1029
00:57:43,640 --> 00:57:46,120
‪“哪次不是真的！”
‪“是真的會死”

1030
00:57:47,160 --> 00:57:51,760
‪大家就開始做出改變
‪投入他們喜歡的事物

1031
00:57:51,840 --> 00:57:54,760
‪所以我才當藝術家，我是非必要人員

1032
00:57:54,840 --> 00:57:59,040
‪一個理想的世界裡不會有搞笑藝人

1033
00:57:59,120 --> 00:58:01,120
‪人想笑不應該付錢

1034
00:58:01,640 --> 00:58:04,760
‪大家手上最嚴重的問題應該是
‪“芒果沒了”

1035
00:58:07,040 --> 00:58:10,920
‪“幸好還有奇異果！”

1036
00:58:11,800 --> 00:58:13,960
‪那才是我們該有的問題

1037
00:58:14,720 --> 00:58:19,480
‪我沒辦法專心，我覺得網飛
‪在我家牆上鑽了洞

1038
00:58:20,640 --> 00:58:22,040
‪我有點緊張

1039
00:58:22,120 --> 00:58:24,280
‪感覺像是在自己房間做口腔檢查

1040
00:58:24,840 --> 00:58:26,120
‪“我的床在哪裡？”

1041
00:58:27,520 --> 00:58:30,320
‪我記得馬克宏在疫情時說過一句話

1042
00:58:30,400 --> 00:58:33,240
‪當時是兩次封城之間

1043
00:58:33,320 --> 00:58:35,640
‪我聽到一個女人在酒吧
‪說了一句超經典的話

1044
00:58:35,720 --> 00:58:40,000
‪大家都在那裡交換想法
‪超適合講站立喜劇，還免費的

1045
00:58:40,080 --> 00:58:42,880
‪我會去那裡找靈感，“說吧”

1046
00:58:44,320 --> 00:58:46,760
‪那個女的很氣，然後說

1047
00:58:46,840 --> 00:58:50,080
‪“我不知道馬克宏說了什麼
‪但他沒有打招呼”

1048
00:58:52,040 --> 00:58:53,840
‪下台一鞠躬，謝謝大家

1049
00:58:57,560 --> 00:58:58,720
‪晚安

1050
00:58:58,800 --> 00:59:02,080
{\an8}‪你們好嗎？這樣好酷，我很開心

1051
00:59:02,160 --> 00:59:04,440
{\an8}‪這是新冠疫情開始以來
‪我第一次上台

1052
00:59:04,520 --> 00:59:05,360
{\an8}‪（湯姆比利亞）

1053
00:59:05,440 --> 00:59:06,920
{\an8}‪看你們臉上戴著口罩好奇怪

1054
00:59:07,000 --> 00:59:08,440
‪拋棄式的，很好

1055
00:59:08,520 --> 00:59:11,960
‪我笨到去買重複使用的

1056
00:59:12,520 --> 00:59:13,680
‪最多可洗30次

1057
00:59:14,280 --> 00:59:16,560
‪告訴我，誰會算自己洗了幾次？

1058
00:59:17,000 --> 00:59:17,960
‪沒錯

1059
00:59:18,040 --> 00:59:20,920
‪但說真的，我們的生活都變了

1060
00:59:21,000 --> 00:59:23,880
‪兩年前在老佛爺百貨公司

1061
00:59:23,960 --> 00:59:26,920
‪亞洲觀光客戴口罩時我們還笑他們

1062
00:59:27,600 --> 00:59:30,960
‪現在戴口罩變成我們的日常生活

1063
00:59:31,040 --> 00:59:32,440
‪恐怖的就在於…

1064
00:59:32,520 --> 00:59:34,880
‪前一陣子我又去老佛爺百貨

1065
00:59:34,960 --> 00:59:37,280
‪當時也有亞洲觀光客

1066
00:59:37,360 --> 00:59:39,640
‪他們不只戴了口罩

1067
00:59:39,720 --> 00:59:42,680
‪還穿了拋棄式防護衣

1068
00:59:44,040 --> 00:59:46,320
‪我有一個很簡單的推論

1069
00:59:46,400 --> 00:59:49,280
‪如果有人穿戴不符時尚的東西

1070
00:59:49,360 --> 00:59:51,920
‪他一定知道什麼我不知道的秘辛

1071
00:59:52,000 --> 00:59:55,040
‪我們經歷了很多怪事

1072
00:59:55,120 --> 00:59:58,200
‪第一次封城期間，我們都被關在家

1073
00:59:59,200 --> 01:00:02,000
‪看著電視，我們看到了

1074
01:00:02,080 --> 01:00:05,960
‪香榭麗舍大道出現野豬
‪威尼斯出現海豚

1075
01:00:06,040 --> 01:00:07,880
‪我們都想

1076
01:00:07,960 --> 01:00:10,560
‪“有個全新的世界在外面等我們”

1077
01:00:12,640 --> 01:00:13,640
‪結果是這樣

1078
01:00:15,000 --> 01:00:16,800
‪這是全新的世界嗎？

1079
01:00:17,400 --> 01:00:20,560
‪怪的是看起來跟以前差不多
‪但變得更糟了

1080
01:00:20,640 --> 01:00:22,440
‪說真的，發生了什麼事？

1081
01:00:22,520 --> 01:00:25,240
‪我們的意識變得更清楚
‪兩周之後卻天下大亂

1082
01:00:25,320 --> 01:00:27,160
‪我們真的要醒過來

1083
01:00:27,240 --> 01:00:30,320
‪看看現在的環境
‪全球暖化造成氣候劇變

1084
01:00:30,400 --> 01:00:33,120
‪我們得有所反應

1085
01:00:33,200 --> 01:00:35,480
‪也許我們能不再吃肉

1086
01:00:35,560 --> 01:00:37,720
‪我不吃素，我也不想說服你吃素

1087
01:00:37,800 --> 01:00:39,480
‪但我認為我們不應該繼續吃肉

1088
01:00:40,920 --> 01:00:43,280
‪你好像不太相信，好吧

1089
01:00:43,360 --> 01:00:45,080
‪人類記性很差

1090
01:00:45,160 --> 01:00:49,440
‪回顧一下，一個混蛋
‪吃了穿山甲或蝙蝠

1091
01:00:49,520 --> 01:00:50,960
‪然後整個世界停止運轉

1092
01:00:51,040 --> 01:00:53,080
‪他吃了肉，就是這麼回事

1093
01:00:53,160 --> 01:00:56,360
‪好了，我不知道是誰說的
‪“不能以貌取人”

1094
01:00:56,440 --> 01:00:58,560
‪但這明明就是真理

1095
01:00:58,640 --> 01:01:01,480
‪如果那傢伙有照做

1096
01:01:01,560 --> 01:01:04,000
‪就是吃了穿山甲或蝙蝠的人

1097
01:01:04,080 --> 01:01:07,040
‪他如果看清楚那動物有多噁心
‪就不會把牠們吃下肚了

1098
01:01:07,120 --> 01:01:09,360
‪你們都知道蝙蝠長什麼樣

1099
01:01:09,440 --> 01:01:12,800
‪至於穿山甲嘛
‪就是長著鱗片的黃鼠狼，噁心死了

1100
01:01:12,880 --> 01:01:17,120
‪這是少數幾個連幼兒
‪都醜到爆的物種

1101
01:01:17,200 --> 01:01:19,640
‪有兩個物種屬於此類
‪穿山甲和勒龐一家

1102
01:01:20,280 --> 01:01:22,840
‪如果他有以貌取“肉”

1103
01:01:22,920 --> 01:01:25,480
‪我們就不會遇上這種鳥事

1104
01:01:25,560 --> 01:01:29,600
‪有報導說一群白癡
‪聲稱穿山甲吃起來像雞肉

1105
01:01:29,680 --> 01:01:32,640
‪那就吃雞肉啊！不要再胡搞瞎搞了！

1106
01:01:32,720 --> 01:01:34,000
‪我們都是白癡

1107
01:01:34,080 --> 01:01:36,160
‪更慘，人類記性超差

1108
01:01:36,240 --> 01:01:39,320
‪幾個禮拜前在蒙古
‪有個人死於腺鼠疫

1109
01:01:39,400 --> 01:01:41,480
‪為什麼？因為他吃了一隻土撥鼠

1110
01:01:41,560 --> 01:01:43,480
‪你活該啦！媽的！

1111
01:01:43,560 --> 01:01:45,520
‪抱歉，我知道這樣很壞
‪但到底是搞屁啊？

1112
01:01:45,600 --> 01:01:47,560
‪相信你的直覺

1113
01:01:47,640 --> 01:01:51,000
‪過去幾個月沒讓你學到任何教訓嗎？

1114
01:01:51,080 --> 01:01:54,040
‪整個世界因為一個白癡
‪吃了一隻穿山甲就停止運轉

1115
01:01:54,120 --> 01:01:56,560
‪還有你，你會吃土撥鼠

1116
01:01:56,640 --> 01:01:59,920
‪也許你住在偏遠的鄉下
‪沒有電視或網路

1117
01:02:00,000 --> 01:02:01,760
‪但多想想

1118
01:02:01,840 --> 01:02:04,160
‪如果弗雷德雷克洛佩茲
‪已經六個月沒有偷拍你

1119
01:02:04,240 --> 01:02:06,000
‪也許這世界真的停止運轉了

1120
01:02:06,600 --> 01:02:08,720
‪問對問題，相信你眼睛所見

1121
01:02:08,800 --> 01:02:11,000
‪難以置信，相信眼前看到的

1122
01:02:11,080 --> 01:02:14,960
‪你們有沒有看過性侵犯
‪DSK或哈維溫斯坦？

1123
01:02:15,040 --> 01:02:18,720
‪如果長那樣還每天有炮可打
‪對方一定是被脅迫的

1124
01:02:19,280 --> 01:02:21,720
‪老實說，看看法蘭索瓦歐蘭德

1125
01:02:24,200 --> 01:02:27,240
‪他的總統任期結束後

1126
01:02:27,320 --> 01:02:32,080
‪曾投給他的人就說
‪“的確，他不是很主動”

1127
01:02:32,160 --> 01:02:33,240
‪真的嗎？

1128
01:02:34,000 --> 01:02:36,680
‪等一下，他不是蝙蝠俠？
‪我常把他們認錯

1129
01:02:36,760 --> 01:02:38,880
‪當然要以貌取人！

1130
01:02:38,960 --> 01:02:43,640
‪想想看法蘭索瓦歐蘭德穿著盔甲
‪在中世紀的戰場上奮戰

1131
01:02:43,720 --> 01:02:46,040
‪大家會說：“大釜怎麼動起來了？”

1132
01:02:46,120 --> 01:02:48,880
‪靠！要以貌取人，這真的很重要

1133
01:02:48,960 --> 01:02:52,080
‪我有一個朋友在一次生日派對
‪跟我說過 …

1134
01:02:52,160 --> 01:02:53,880
‪我們一群人一起去

1135
01:02:53,960 --> 01:02:56,400
‪“我跟一個混蛋住了四年

1136
01:02:56,480 --> 01:03:01,160
‪我當初如果相信自己的直覺
‪絕對不會搬去跟他住”

1137
01:03:01,240 --> 01:03:03,120
‪她一直說那個人有多爛

1138
01:03:03,200 --> 01:03:06,360
‪我就跟她說：“留點面子
‪我們差點就結婚了”

1139
01:03:08,160 --> 01:03:10,640
‪大家晚安，我是湯姆比利亞

1140
01:03:18,480 --> 01:03:19,520
{\an8}‪我在哪裡？

1141
01:03:19,600 --> 01:03:20,960
{\an8}‪（某個地方）

1142
01:03:21,040 --> 01:03:23,440
{\an8}‪這甚至不是巴黎地圖！

1143
01:03:24,880 --> 01:03:28,240
‪嗨，請問聖但尼路怎麼走？
‪我要去大冰箱

1144
01:03:33,200 --> 01:03:37,640
‪好，走右邊的圓環，然後左轉？謝謝

1145
01:03:38,680 --> 01:03:41,560
‪什麼？抱歉，我沒有打火機

1146
01:03:42,120 --> 01:03:44,240
‪下次見，掰

1147
01:03:45,160 --> 01:03:46,200
‪媽的！

1148
01:04:38,600 --> 01:04:43,600
{\an8}‪字幕翻譯： 陳廷倫