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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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PARIS DURING LOCKDOWN
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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SAVE LIVES
STAY HOME
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{\an8}Yeah, I'm downstairs.
Can you come get your order?
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{\an8}I asked for home delivery.
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{\an8}I cycled four miles, so get down here.
Stop telling me what to do!
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-Okay, I'm coming.
-Unbelievable!
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Home delivery. They're not even able
to come get their orders…
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These smartasses.
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That's one big building!
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This deodorant doesn't work.
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{\an8}Are you alone?
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{\an8}Yeah, just like you asked.
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{\an8}What do you want?
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What do you mean? And what's that?
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-Nothing, I was in the shower.
-Is it true what people say about you?
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No.
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Well, it depends. What do they say?
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Ever since COVID started,
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you've been running
a smuggling ring or something.
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"With your crew, nobody can touch you."
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You're changing the subject.
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Prove it.
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I can hear people. Who are they?
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Nobody's here. I'm alone.
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It's all in your head.
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Mr. Kev, where do we put the FFP2 masks?
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-Who was that?
-My mom.
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-No, Kev.
-Well done, you got me.
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Come in, I'll show you.
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That's my team. They're the best.
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{\an8}How are you feeling tonight?
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{\an8}Yeah, that's great.
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Sir, people said my pâté
is not pât-icularly good.
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But if you try it,
you'll see it's a flavor pâ-rty.
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I thought it was funny.
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Ladies, are you here together?
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I've got a joke for you.
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Yesterday, a mason came here,
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and I said,
"I don't have home-style pâté."
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He's a mason!
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-Doully!
-Yeah.
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-What's up?
-Roman, what are you doing here?
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I found a way
to keep on doing stand-up comedy.
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But in exchange,
I've got to sell local products.
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-Really?
-It's going great. How about you?
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I go where people are.
I've got a great plan.
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Hear me out.
I'm in touch with the director of AA.
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-The director of AA?
-So what do you say?
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-What's that exactly?
-Alcoholics Anonymous.
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There's always tons of people over there.
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Even if venues open tomorrow,
I'll stick to my plan.
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I'm game if there's room for me.
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No, that won't work.
Plus, you're doing well here.
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You're really doing great here.
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Where is he?
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-It's been ages!
-What's up?
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-Wait. It's crazy.
-Don't stay here.
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-I just had a fight with a guy.
-Who was it? I'm the delivery guy.
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-No.
-I deliver and I crack jokes.
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-Want a quick one?
-Sure.
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Have you noticed when you call Uber
and ask for your food,
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the guy never comes up.
He leaves it outside.
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-Are you talking about me?
-No, I'm joking.
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-Give me my food, please.
-Sure. Happy to see you.
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-Me too, I'm happy.
-Yeah.
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Life's tough, but it's fine.
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-You good?
-Yeah, I'm fine.
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-Really?
-Yeah.
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-You're not good.
-No, I'm not.
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I don't work anymore.
I want to make people laugh. Go on, laugh.
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Good.
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-Great, thank you, Paris!
-Yeah, give me my food.
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All right, yeah…
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Of course, markets are super.
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Markets are super. Super.
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Then, they invented "supermarkets."
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But the supermarket is less super
than the markets we had.
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Bit of a paradox, right?
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Sir, I've asked you four times
for the pâté.
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-If you want it, take it, bro.
-Thank you.
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You're welcome.
This is quality observational comedy here.
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Frayssinet, let's take a 30-minute break.
People have had enough.
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So you're going to restock.
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-What's that?
-Stacking shelves.
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-Me, stacking shelves?
-Yes, or you can say goodbye to the mic.
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That's what I said.
I'll go stack the shelves.
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Amazing! So it's true, then.
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We've got everything you need for COVID.
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Water, pasta, all sorts of toilet paper.
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Rough, soft, watermelon, strawberry,
we've got all kind of flavors.
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-Amazing.
-And that's not all.
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Unlike our competitors,
we sell at retail rates.
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If you just want two sheets of paper,
you'll get two.
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Look at this quality.
You won't find it anywhere.
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It's amazing, it's fantastic,
and that's not all.
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I just got a new product. It's mad.
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Paquito!
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Once again, I don't speak Spanish.
I'm from Strasbourg. I studied German.
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He loves me.
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Gracias, Fernanda.
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-Murielle.
-Murielita!
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That's our brand-new product. Insane.
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See, since COVID started,
I've decided to help the community.
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I feel useful. I'm happy.
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-You've had enough, right?
-Yeah, I'm fed up.
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Is it just me or when you sell pâté--
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Roman, I've got an idea.
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{\an8}Why don't you go to Gare de Lyon?
There's always people in the toilets.
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{\an8}GUYS, VENUES ARE OPENING TONIGHT.
SEE YOU.
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{\an8}The venues are reopening?
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{\an8}The venues are open again!
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-No way!
-It's true!
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-That's crazy!
-I know, right?
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Sam, this is your place now.
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I'm giving it to you.
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I don't speak Spanish!
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Frayssinet?
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NETFLIX PRESENTS
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{\an8}Please welcome Roman Frayssinet!
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Good evening, everyone!
Are you ready to do this?
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If you're ready, I wanna hear you!
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Are you ready?
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Amazing.
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{\an8}All right, clap if you've had the vaccine!
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Yeah? I've had it too.
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I got my first shot three days ago.
I had a blast.
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I loved it.
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I can't stop thinking about it.
I wanna do it again.
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I swear, all I think about is
how can I get the shot, like, six times?
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Can I get vaccinated daily?
I'm craving it! All day long.
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So much that I'm sweating.
I want to get the vaccine.
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I'm telling you,
I'm like that all day long.
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Before, in the streets,
I used to look at women,
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now I'm wondering
who's got a vaccine shot for me.
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I just didn't know
I had to inject it myself.
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But I got it in Porte de la Chapelle,
so that might be why.
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Anyway, I'm totally jonesing for it.
I can't stop thinking about it!
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It's crazy.
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It's been a tough year, right?
But at least we're together.
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None of us had planned
to spend that much time with ourselves.
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I couldn't stand myself.
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As soon as I saw my reflection,
I wanted to strangle myself.
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When I saw myself, I would say,
"Roman, this is harassment!"
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"Go jerk someone else off!
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"If you're jizzing steam,
you've gone too far!"
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It's been a tough year.
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I'm one of those people who tries
to think everything is always fine.
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Up to the last moment,
I was saying, "It's fine."
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Even if it's not fine,
I always find a way.
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I'm the opposite of a hypochondriac.
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I'm a hyperchondriac.
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If I start worrying,
then I'm already dead.
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For at least 15 minutes.
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And if I'm already dead,
what could go wrong?
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I swear. Cut my leg off,
I'll say, "It'll grow back, that's fine."
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But my hypochondriac friends
had a tough year.
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In the street, they were wearing goggles,
rubber gloves, shin guards.
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"Are you going to disarm a bomb?"
"No, I'm going to the shop."
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It's crazy, but they were right.
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I started realizing things were tough
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when our president said, "We are at war."
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Remember, right? We were all shocked.
"We are at war."
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That's when I thought,
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"This year, I won't sell
a lot of tickets for my show."
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It didn't seem
like the best business idea.
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Maybe IT wasn't that bad after all.
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It felt like trying to sell sausages
in Saudi Arabia.
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I thought,
"Oh, boy, I'm going to earn peanuts."
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I felt like Nokia
when the iPhone was released.
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I thought, "Oh, boy."
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For the youngsters who don't know Nokia,
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they used to make bricks
you could use to make calls.
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But like I said,
I try to manipulate my thoughts.
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No matter the situation,
I say, "It's fine."
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And I'm thinking,
if that is our war, that's fine.
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Don't you agree?
If this is our war, it's fine.
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A hundred years ago,
during the war, you got a gun.
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It's not exactly like working remotely.
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And on that gun, there was a blade.
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So you're not given a lot of ammo, right?
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Imagine, you get a gun
and you're told, "Shoot him."
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"Why would I shoot him?"
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"Because he's gonna shoot you."
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"But why would he do that?"
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"Because he was told you'd shoot him."
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So it's just a big lack of communication.
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Don't give me a gun, give me a phone.
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Three texts and we're good.
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And they would say,
"No, you've got to shoot him."
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00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:32,320
And you would say, "But I'm a baker."
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00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:34,920
"I make pastries."
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00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:39,080
And on the other side of the border,
the guy'd say, "Ich liebe Patisserien."
195
00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:46,160
Always look on the bright side of life.
196
00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:48,760
It's been tough,
but you've got to think positive.
197
00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:50,560
Put yourself in their shoes back then.
198
00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:53,400
Their dilemma was kill or be killed.
199
00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:56,840
After that,
getting a degree isn't so hard!
200
00:11:57,400 --> 00:11:59,080
Thanks for having me.
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00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:04,400
My name's Roman Frayssinet.
It's been a pleasure, my friends!
202
00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:08,480
Keep up that beautiful energy.
Have a lovely evening. Thanks a lot.
203
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:14,800
You have reached your destination.
204
00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:18,840
What do you mean?
Can't you see this fence?
205
00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:21,480
Is this my destination? Moron.
206
00:12:21,560 --> 00:12:24,880
Stupid GPS, I should smash you
on the ground. Piece of shit.
207
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:26,160
Turn straight.
208
00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:33,480
{\an8}How are you doing? Good?
209
00:12:33,560 --> 00:12:37,080
{\an8}I'm the only one disinfecting.
Nobody gives a fuck!
210
00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:38,160
{\an8}We're like…
211
00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:41,760
{\an8}"This is my taste and this is my spit!"
212
00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:45,320
{\an8}I'm a hypochondriac,
so I don't have a choice.
213
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:47,440
Clap if you're a hypochondriac too.
214
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:50,880
"I might contaminate my hands
by touching them!"
215
00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:54,680
This is for you.
It's disinfected, don't worry.
216
00:12:56,800 --> 00:12:59,960
I got my second shot! Yes!
217
00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:04,280
"Congrats! He's got side effects, look!"
218
00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:07,280
Side effects are always awful.
Fever, headache,
219
00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:09,320
but you never hear,
"I got two chest muscles!"
220
00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:12,400
"Crazy, right? Pfizer!"
221
00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:16,560
"And you?" "AstraZeneca, bro!"
222
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:21,680
I'm a hypochondriac.
Ten years ago, I spoke about it on Bref.
223
00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:24,760
Welcome. Feeling old?
224
00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:27,720
Ten years ago,
I was talking about hypochondria on Bref,
225
00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:30,400
and someone left a comment
that got lots of likes.
226
00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:34,840
It was, "Hilarious,
that guy is using hand sanitizer!"
227
00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:38,080
I was right!
228
00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:44,600
I'll explain. So I'm not really afraid of
being sick, I'm scared of death.
229
00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:47,160
To me, hypochondria is the fear of death.
230
00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:51,160
It can occur in a normal situation,
like sitting in a closed room.
231
00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:54,360
Next to me, there's a guy about to sneeze.
232
00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:56,520
I know it, because he's doing…
233
00:13:57,760 --> 00:13:58,960
This thing.
234
00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:02,040
The human being is gone,
you become an animal.
235
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:05,320
You lose all credibility
if you're talking seriously.
236
00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:06,840
"Yes, real-estate loan…"
237
00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:11,920
In my head, I'm thinking,
"I'm going to die." I hear…
238
00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:14,920
So the guy goes…
239
00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:19,240
And I know he's about to explode
without taking sanitary precautions.
240
00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:33,840
So I see myself in a coffin,
carried by four stylish guys,
241
00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:36,160
on my way to death, bro!
242
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:40,600
If you don't know that joke,
it's hilarious and it's on the Internet.
243
00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:43,160
I learned a lot of things
during the pandemic.
244
00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:47,520
I learned from the commercials
that people don't wash their hands!
245
00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:52,040
You know, those commercials telling people
to wash their hands with water.
246
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,920
With… Do you find that normal?
247
00:14:56,720 --> 00:15:00,960
They were saying to use soap.
Soap! In 2021!
248
00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:06,840
Let me explain what I feel,
as a hypochondriac.
249
00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:08,400
You think it's normal. That's okay.
250
00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:11,240
So here's how a hypochondriac feels.
251
00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:14,400
How would you feel, if on TV,
252
00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:18,120
a commercial would tell drivers
to stop running over children?
253
00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:20,520
Because, apparently, everyone does that.
254
00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:25,680
So many people do it that our president
has to call McFly and Carlito.
255
00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:29,080
"Guys, it would be nice
to come up with a little song."
256
00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:31,080
And McFly and Carlito reply…
257
00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:34,840
Don't run over kids
258
00:15:35,640 --> 00:15:39,400
And don't eat your poop either
259
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:42,200
Viewers will be like,
"We aren't supposed to eat shit?"
260
00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:45,240
"I had no clue.
Luckily, there are commercials."
261
00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:46,440
Soap!
262
00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:50,400
I'm not going to keep shouting.
263
00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:52,480
Unbelievable.
264
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:56,400
This is like a dream for me.
Not the pandemic of course,
265
00:15:56,480 --> 00:16:00,360
but the fact that people
are observing protective measures.
266
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:05,200
And there has been
no gastroenteritis all year.
267
00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:07,520
Can we celebrate that?
268
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:09,640
For a year, there was no, "I feel better."
269
00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:14,400
"Shit, I've got to go."
None of that for a year!
270
00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:18,800
I wonder what will remain
of this dream time for me.
271
00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:23,280
After the pandemic,
will people who get sick stay home?
272
00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:25,520
Will they cough in their elbows
and wear masks?
273
00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:27,600
What will remain of my dream?
274
00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:31,000
I know. Nothing.
275
00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:36,520
People won't give a fuck anymore.
They'll go back to bars and clubs.
276
00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:39,000
They'll go to the toilets
without washing their hands,
277
00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:42,360
then they'll eat peanuts from the bar.
278
00:16:42,840 --> 00:16:45,360
They'll say, "Peanuts are good, so good!"
279
00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:48,760
They'll offer me some. "Kyan, want some?"
I don't know how to say no. "Sure."
280
00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:53,920
Have a good evening, Barbès. Thanks.
281
00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:57,680
Thank you, you're awesome!
282
00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:13,240
Thank you.
283
00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:19,480
{\an8}How are you doing?
284
00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:24,160
{\an8}Great. I'm good too.
285
00:17:25,480 --> 00:17:28,359
I wasn't too hyped
about coming here tonight.
286
00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:30,599
Comedy against COVID.
287
00:17:31,119 --> 00:17:33,480
What happened was rather serious.
288
00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:35,560
Some people died and all.
289
00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:38,800
But I received an email
about how much I'd be paid,
290
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:43,160
so I thought I'd come up with a few jokes.
291
00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:48,360
To me, these nights
are not really helpful.
292
00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:51,280
We're not going to find a cure for COVID.
We laugh, that's it.
293
00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:54,160
It's like comedy against racism.
294
00:17:54,880 --> 00:17:56,360
It doesn't help.
295
00:17:57,080 --> 00:18:00,200
After this show, no fascists will be like…
296
00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:05,320
"They do have a sense of humor after all."
297
00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:11,320
Good thing these events don't work.
Otherwise, there would be more.
298
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:14,480
Like comedy against pedophiles.
299
00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:19,520
At the end of the night,
pedophiles would be like…
300
00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:25,200
"True, six years is a bit old."
301
00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:32,160
So yeah, COVID was a pain.
302
00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:35,480
You couldn't go out
unless you had a real good excuse.
303
00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:36,680
Like a pet.
304
00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:42,360
I don't have any pets,
so I just had a leash to go out.
305
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:46,520
When I wanted to go out,
I would hold the leash in my hand.
306
00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:49,960
So when cops would ask,
"Where's your dog?"
307
00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:51,560
I would say, "He ran off."
308
00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:59,240
One day, a cop decided to stay with me
to see if the dog would come back.
309
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,200
I said, "He must be lost."
310
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:04,920
The next day, they brought me a dog.
311
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:10,400
We looked at one another thinking,
"I don't know you."
312
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:14,280
Yeah, I had COVID.
313
00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:18,600
At first, I was in denial.
I thought it was a hoax.
314
00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:20,640
That they were manipulating us.
315
00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:23,080
The day before the lockdown,
I went into a club.
316
00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:26,920
So the next day, I was sick.
317
00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:30,920
I knew I had COVID when I realized
I had lost my sense of taste.
318
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:33,520
I called those in charge of COVID-19.
319
00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:37,480
And they said, "Get some pepper."
320
00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:40,440
It was at the very beginning.
321
00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:42,880
So I thought, "Healthcare has changed."
322
00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:45,360
"This feels like cooking."
323
00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:50,640
So I get the pepper and I season my mouth.
324
00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:55,840
Fuck, I can't taste anything.
So I add some more.
325
00:19:57,040 --> 00:19:59,640
"Are you sure it's COVID?"
"Let's do another test."
326
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:02,440
"Open YouTube and put on Wejdene."
327
00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:06,800
They asked, "Do you like it?"
I replied, "Yeah, it's fine."
328
00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:09,400
They said,
"You've lost your taste for sure."
329
00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:20,960
I took the whole lockdown very seriously.
I only went out one time.
330
00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:25,560
During the protests, you know,
for Black people to stay alive.
331
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:30,400
It was rather important
since we're an endangered species.
332
00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:34,640
We had to protest
to ensure we'd be a protected species.
333
00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:37,920
Like pandas and all.
334
00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:44,120
I tried saving pandas when I was younger
because they almost disappeared.
335
00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:46,760
At some point,
there were only four of them.
336
00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:50,280
One day, some guy counted them.
337
00:20:57,360 --> 00:20:59,280
"Fuck, only four pandas left."
338
00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:03,200
"Time to make some phone calls."
339
00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:07,560
There are protests for everything.
Last one was for the climate.
340
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:09,800
It was hot last summer.
341
00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:12,960
So we met with some guys.
342
00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:15,360
And we thought, "That's enough."
343
00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:17,880
"It's far too hot!"
344
00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:21,840
So we protested against the sun.
345
00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:25,480
All right, that's it for me. Thanks a lot.
346
00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:36,920
{\an8}-Hello?
-Bro, where are you?
347
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,680
{\an8}-People are waiting for you.
-Wait, what's he doing?
348
00:21:39,760 --> 00:21:42,200
{\an8}-Hello?
-Manicure my nails, not my bones.
349
00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:43,120
{\an8}DUBAI
350
00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:44,600
{\an8}Yes, let's growl at him.
351
00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:48,360
Hello? You're not listening to me.
352
00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:51,240
Of course I'm listening to you, Djimo.
353
00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:54,000
First of all, hi. You're so rude.
354
00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:55,880
At least say hello. What's up?
355
00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:58,280
When are you coming?
356
00:21:58,360 --> 00:21:59,840
What is he talking about?
357
00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:02,480
What's he on about?
We don't have any plans, do we?
358
00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:05,000
There's a show tonight.
Netflix invited us.
359
00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:06,160
Netflix?
360
00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:09,560
All right, I get it now.
361
00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:12,880
They probably sent it to my French number.
362
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:16,240
But now, they've got to contact me
on my number in Dubai.
363
00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:19,400
I'm an Emirati now. We all are.
364
00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:24,520
Right. You can still come.
Go by La Chapelle.
365
00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:26,840
What's he talking about?
366
00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:29,000
Let's make fun of him!
367
00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:37,000
Enough!
368
00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:40,400
No, Djimo, Dubai in the Emirates.
369
00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:44,680
Even with the new Paris metro plan,
I don't think there's a direct line.
370
00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:48,440
That's a good one.
371
00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:50,920
Write it down. We'll print it on T-shirts.
372
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:53,960
-Why are you in Dubai?
-Guess!
373
00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:55,960
I'm an influencer now.
374
00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:59,040
And who am I influencing? Raise your hand!
375
00:22:59,120 --> 00:23:00,840
I influence everybody!
376
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:03,480
Shout-out for me!
377
00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:07,760
So what do I tell them?
378
00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:11,440
All right. Tell them I'm on my way.
379
00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:14,000
If there's no traffic,
I'm there in four hours.
380
00:23:14,080 --> 00:23:16,120
Hang up on him. He's getting on my nerves.
381
00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:19,280
All right, let's go! I know.
382
00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:20,320
Bring me back.
383
00:23:21,520 --> 00:23:25,080
Hello?
384
00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:42,720
Look who's back.
385
00:23:44,920 --> 00:23:46,240
-Nice.
-Yeah.
386
00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:58,880
Enough. Come on, I told you I'd be back.
387
00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:02,840
But, Alban, tonight is raclette night.
388
00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:11,960
I had forgotten what day it was.
389
00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:15,320
All right, I'll stay then!
390
00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:17,240
Let's have fun tonight!
391
00:24:18,120 --> 00:24:19,720
We'll be drowning in alcohol!
392
00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:34,880
{\an8}Are you all right?
393
00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:37,880
{\an8}I'm very happy to be here tonight
394
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:40,720
{\an8}and happy we're filming at Le Fridge.
395
00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:43,840
We worked on this place for a long time.
396
00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:47,600
Here's a bit of history about Le Fridge.
397
00:24:47,680 --> 00:24:49,720
It took us two years of hard work.
398
00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:53,480
So we decided to open it
on March 13th, 2020.
399
00:24:55,440 --> 00:24:56,280
Yep.
400
00:25:00,360 --> 00:25:02,960
When it comes to timing, we're geniuses.
401
00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:06,240
We timed it perfectly.
That's our strength.
402
00:25:06,320 --> 00:25:10,440
You're looking at me thinking,
"What an idiot!" But I didn't know.
403
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:15,080
Well, we didn't exactly open
March 13th, 2020,
404
00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:18,640
because on March 10th,
the government called us saying,
405
00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:20,240
"Shut it down."
406
00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:22,800
We said, "Perfect, we haven't opened yet."
407
00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:27,040
Much easier to tidy up
and clean up the place.
408
00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:30,000
I'm really happy to see you all here.
409
00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:31,440
Sitting down together.
410
00:25:31,520 --> 00:25:32,880
I don't know if you felt it,
411
00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:37,600
but during COVID,
there was this fear among people.
412
00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:40,560
Did any of you go out during COVID?
413
00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:41,880
After curfew?
414
00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:47,680
Sometimes, you'd meet people in the street
and they'd look at you thinking,
415
00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:50,160
"What are you doing here?"
416
00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:53,280
"You were told to stay home!"
417
00:25:53,360 --> 00:25:56,000
And you were thinking,
"But what are you doing out?"
418
00:25:57,080 --> 00:25:59,600
Not long ago,
we had a curfew at 11:00 p.m.
419
00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:03,200
I thought this was just crazy.
It's crazy, isn't it?
420
00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:06,600
Telling that to French people.
A curfew at 11:00 p.m.
421
00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:09,720
We're French, you all know
how French people think.
422
00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:12,960
An 11:00 p.m. curfew,
at 8:45 p.m., a French guy will say,
423
00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:15,600
"Don't worry, Véronique,
we'll be back on time."
424
00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:19,600
At 9:45 p.m.,
he'll say, "I don't give a damn!"
425
00:26:20,360 --> 00:26:22,640
"Come and get me, if you're a man!"
426
00:26:23,760 --> 00:26:26,360
How do you get people
to observe this curfew?
427
00:26:26,440 --> 00:26:29,320
I imagined Jean Castex
outside the Élysée Palace
428
00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:30,760
with a big horn.
429
00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:36,720
"Go back to your moms, you bitches!"
430
00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:41,840
But it's tough. It never ends.
431
00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:45,800
Now there's variants.
British, Indian variants. Did you follow?
432
00:26:45,880 --> 00:26:50,160
I'm really hoping
there'll be a French variant soon.
433
00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:53,600
We'd be proud.
French people like French things.
434
00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:55,120
"The French variant!"
435
00:26:55,760 --> 00:26:57,440
Symptoms for 15 days,
on strike for 15 days!
436
00:26:57,520 --> 00:26:58,480
The French variant.
437
00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:03,120
But COVID also created
some strange and positive things.
438
00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:06,960
Like new excuses. "I'm a close contact."
Have you used it?
439
00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:10,720
As soon as you don't wanna go somewhere,
"No, I'm a close contact."
440
00:27:13,200 --> 00:27:15,160
"I don't want to contaminate everyone."
441
00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:19,520
What a bullshit excuse.
"I don't want to take the risk!"
442
00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:22,880
A friend was supposed to meet a girl
and he said, "I'm a close contact."
443
00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:25,360
I said, "Come on, that's rude."
444
00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:27,880
He said, "I'm a close contact,
I don't care!"
445
00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:30,520
I told him, "Bro, it's your wedding!"
446
00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:34,200
That's not nice.
447
00:27:36,480 --> 00:27:37,680
It's crazy.
448
00:27:37,760 --> 00:27:39,880
But at least we can get vaccinated
449
00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:42,240
and upload the passport
on "TousAntiCovid."
450
00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:44,640
Did you see it? The app.
451
00:27:44,720 --> 00:27:46,880
When I saw this name, I thought,
452
00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:49,280
"A lot of people
at the Élysée worked on it
453
00:27:49,360 --> 00:27:52,800
and the best name they could think of
was 'All against COVID.'"
454
00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:55,800
It's the worst app name ever!
455
00:27:55,880 --> 00:27:59,560
All of the famous apps have short names,
Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat.
456
00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:01,960
You feel the pace? It's fast.
457
00:28:02,040 --> 00:28:04,480
They called it "TousAntiCovid."
458
00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:08,480
Call it "Flax," "Tax," or "Masx."
Something cool!
459
00:28:10,280 --> 00:28:11,920
They called it "TousAntiCovid."
460
00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:14,360
Let's take Tinder, for instance.
461
00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:15,720
It's called Tinder.
462
00:28:16,160 --> 00:28:18,200
Not "EveryoneWantsToFuck." You see?
463
00:28:20,360 --> 00:28:22,840
Thanks, guys.
Thanks a lot for the warm welcome.
464
00:28:22,920 --> 00:28:26,800
My name's Kev Adams.
Keep making some noise for the next!
465
00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:28,120
Enjoy your evening!
466
00:28:36,720 --> 00:28:38,640
{\an8}What a welcome for patient zero.
467
00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:51,400
Salam by-the-elbows, everyone.
468
00:28:53,880 --> 00:28:55,600
I just got back from Perpignan.
469
00:28:56,160 --> 00:28:59,120
I'm from Bordeaux,
and I don't want to sound like a Parisian,
470
00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:01,400
but apparently, fashion comes and goes.
471
00:29:01,480 --> 00:29:03,800
Well, in Perpignan,
it's stuck on a roundabout.
472
00:29:04,440 --> 00:29:06,560
People wear too many colors.
473
00:29:06,640 --> 00:29:09,440
In Spanish,
Perpignan is pronounced "Desigual."
474
00:29:13,800 --> 00:29:17,880
I want to go back there with a chameleon
and see if it has a seizure.
475
00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:22,680
I think COVID-18 started there.
476
00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:24,640
They lost both their taste and sight.
477
00:29:25,960 --> 00:29:28,560
It's crazy. The world has turned to shit
478
00:29:28,640 --> 00:29:31,440
because apparently,
someone ate a pangolin.
479
00:29:31,520 --> 00:29:34,120
Come on, it looks like a giant artichoke.
480
00:29:37,920 --> 00:29:38,760
It's crazy.
481
00:29:38,840 --> 00:29:43,560
If an illness affects Black people
or Asians, it's concerning,
482
00:29:43,640 --> 00:29:46,480
but if it kills white people,
it becomes a global crisis.
483
00:29:47,920 --> 00:29:51,080
If COVID-19 had stayed in Asia,
484
00:29:51,160 --> 00:29:56,560
WHO would have prescribed two USB disks
and a Norton Antivirus update.
485
00:29:59,080 --> 00:30:04,600
I've got an idea.
Let's say that this year doesn't count.
486
00:30:04,680 --> 00:30:08,600
Because this sounds
like a giant game of "Simon Says."
487
00:30:09,400 --> 00:30:13,120
"Simon says, 'Stay home and save lives.'"
488
00:30:13,200 --> 00:30:15,920
"Simon says, 'Wear masks outside.'"
489
00:30:16,600 --> 00:30:18,360
"Go vote!"
490
00:30:18,440 --> 00:30:21,080
"Sorry Manu,
you forgot to say 'Simon says.'"
491
00:30:30,800 --> 00:30:36,840
They want to set up a health passport
to travel, go to restaurants and shows.
492
00:30:36,920 --> 00:30:40,240
A health passport in France.
A country where, according to a survey,
493
00:30:40,320 --> 00:30:44,240
30% of the population
does not shower daily.
494
00:30:46,840 --> 00:30:50,320
Since we removed our masks,
I'm rediscovering faces.
495
00:30:50,400 --> 00:30:54,200
Yesterday, I ran into a friend,
and the mask fell.
496
00:30:56,400 --> 00:30:58,720
"Bun, what's up?"
497
00:30:58,800 --> 00:31:00,520
"It's me, François."
498
00:31:01,520 --> 00:31:03,840
"No, don't worry, I didn't wash my hands."
499
00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:07,120
"Yeah."
500
00:31:07,720 --> 00:31:10,640
"Do the exact opposite
of what they tell us."
501
00:31:11,760 --> 00:31:15,440
"I don't wash my hands
and I stopped showering a year ago."
502
00:31:16,440 --> 00:31:17,880
"They want us to waste water."
503
00:31:18,520 --> 00:31:19,960
"We're too many on Earth."
504
00:31:21,000 --> 00:31:22,520
"I read it on Facebook."
505
00:31:23,560 --> 00:31:26,120
"Look, it's raining!
In the middle of July."
506
00:31:27,240 --> 00:31:28,720
"They inverted the seasons."
507
00:31:30,800 --> 00:31:32,120
"So we run out of water."
508
00:31:32,800 --> 00:31:36,440
"They want to wipe us out.
I read it on TikTok."
509
00:31:37,720 --> 00:31:40,560
"I hope you aren't vaccinated
510
00:31:40,640 --> 00:31:43,400
because, I don't know if you've heard,
511
00:31:43,480 --> 00:31:46,280
but at first, Pfizer,
when they created Viagra,
512
00:31:46,760 --> 00:31:50,080
they were trying to cure
a cardiovascular disease."
513
00:31:50,160 --> 00:31:52,840
"And they discovered
that one of the side effects
514
00:31:52,920 --> 00:31:54,280
was to get a hard-on."
515
00:31:54,360 --> 00:31:55,840
"You're not vaccinated, right?"
516
00:31:56,760 --> 00:32:00,960
"Because it's weird that the vaccine
came at the same time as 5G."
517
00:32:03,080 --> 00:32:04,440
"They want to control us."
518
00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:06,000
"Through radio waves."
519
00:32:06,760 --> 00:32:08,000
"They're watching us."
520
00:32:08,760 --> 00:32:13,440
"Can you imagine if all of a sudden,
we all had a hard-on?"
521
00:32:14,640 --> 00:32:15,520
"Just like that."
522
00:32:16,200 --> 00:32:17,800
"Yes, it's part of their plan!"
523
00:32:17,880 --> 00:32:20,480
"See, with 5G,
nobody talks to each other anymore."
524
00:32:20,560 --> 00:32:23,240
"We don't love, we don't talk,
we hate each other,
525
00:32:23,320 --> 00:32:24,920
people stop reproducing!"
526
00:32:25,000 --> 00:32:28,600
"The human race is doomed!"
527
00:32:28,680 --> 00:32:30,440
"We'll be banging trees!"
528
00:32:30,520 --> 00:32:31,400
"A hole in a tree."
529
00:32:32,840 --> 00:32:33,920
"A hole in the ground."
530
00:32:34,480 --> 00:32:37,880
"Imagine! A squirrel is minding
his own business in his tree
531
00:32:37,960 --> 00:32:40,640
when suddenly, a nut blocks his view!"
532
00:32:40,720 --> 00:32:42,040
"Confined by a nut!"
533
00:32:42,520 --> 00:32:44,040
"A groundhog in the ground,
534
00:32:45,200 --> 00:32:47,600
buried under sperm!"
535
00:32:48,720 --> 00:32:50,680
"And you'll see on Squirrel News,
536
00:32:52,120 --> 00:32:56,720
Zemmour Squirrel saying
it's a Muslim conspiracy."
537
00:32:57,520 --> 00:33:00,520
"All these foreskins
missing from these nuts."
538
00:33:02,640 --> 00:33:03,840
Did I lose you?
539
00:33:05,200 --> 00:33:09,080
Yeah. Did I lose you at,
"We'll be banging trees"
540
00:33:10,200 --> 00:33:12,400
or "Zemmour Squirrel"?
541
00:33:14,480 --> 00:33:16,800
You probably think I'm crazy.
542
00:33:18,880 --> 00:33:21,880
But I don't know
if I prefer to sound like a madman
543
00:33:21,960 --> 00:33:23,680
in a society of sick people,
544
00:33:23,760 --> 00:33:26,440
or if I'd rather be sick…
545
00:33:28,480 --> 00:33:29,880
in a society of madmen.
546
00:33:30,680 --> 00:33:32,440
My name's Bun Hay Mean. Thanks.
547
00:33:33,760 --> 00:33:34,640
{\an8}SOMEWHERE ELSE…
548
00:33:34,720 --> 00:33:35,840
{\an8}Arrived at my destination?
549
00:33:35,920 --> 00:33:37,920
{\an8}I'm in a tree.
Do I look like Tarzan? Moron!
550
00:33:38,000 --> 00:33:41,880
{\an8}Ladies and gentlemen,
make a lot of noise for Mr. Vérino!
551
00:33:43,760 --> 00:33:45,760
{\an8}Good evening, everyone!
552
00:33:45,840 --> 00:33:49,920
{\an8}Thank you for coming here to see us.
553
00:33:50,000 --> 00:33:51,560
After all this time.
554
00:33:51,640 --> 00:33:53,240
This period changed my life.
555
00:33:53,320 --> 00:33:55,920
Before, I was doing this job
to make people laugh,
556
00:33:56,000 --> 00:33:57,240
but after a year,
557
00:33:57,800 --> 00:33:59,080
I just wanna talk.
558
00:34:00,040 --> 00:34:01,640
Whether you laugh or not,
559
00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:04,160
it doesn't matter.
560
00:34:04,240 --> 00:34:05,920
Maybe people will ask you,
561
00:34:06,000 --> 00:34:08,360
"How was it?" "He was so talkative."
562
00:34:09,840 --> 00:34:13,679
Let's enjoy it and have fun
because not so long ago, we were at war.
563
00:34:14,520 --> 00:34:17,639
The president said it, so it must be true.
564
00:34:18,400 --> 00:34:21,239
It's hilarious. "We're at war."
Do you remember that speech?
565
00:34:21,840 --> 00:34:23,840
Syria is at war.
566
00:34:24,440 --> 00:34:27,120
I wouldn't call them to say, "Us too!"
567
00:34:28,639 --> 00:34:30,320
"Did you go to Carrefour or what?"
568
00:34:30,920 --> 00:34:33,199
"No toilet paper for three days, bro!"
569
00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:36,679
"What a nightmare."
Do you think they felt the same?
570
00:34:36,760 --> 00:34:38,920
In Palestine,
where bombs explode everywhere.
571
00:34:39,000 --> 00:34:41,080
"We're at war!" "Stop complaining."
572
00:34:41,159 --> 00:34:43,199
"In France,
people are coughing into their arms."
573
00:34:45,280 --> 00:34:47,520
War? Pornhub offered free subscriptions.
574
00:34:48,280 --> 00:34:51,480
Which armed conflict was solved that way?
575
00:34:51,560 --> 00:34:52,679
"People will go mad!"
576
00:34:52,760 --> 00:34:55,239
"Don't worry,
they'll masturbate for two months."
577
00:34:55,320 --> 00:34:57,639
"And at 8:00 p.m.,
they'll be applauding nurses."
578
00:34:58,400 --> 00:35:01,040
"Well done! I've seen all your videos!"
579
00:35:03,480 --> 00:35:05,960
Be careful
because some people take things literally.
580
00:35:06,040 --> 00:35:08,080
In 50 years, "Grandpa went to war."
581
00:35:08,800 --> 00:35:09,800
"Tell us, Grandpa."
582
00:35:09,880 --> 00:35:12,440
"Amazon wouldn't deliver
to the 4th floor anymore."
583
00:35:15,480 --> 00:35:18,920
It's okay now. The war is over,
yet we still don't have room in hospitals.
584
00:35:19,000 --> 00:35:21,200
There's been no room for over a year.
585
00:35:21,280 --> 00:35:23,440
Don't you guys have
a sofa bed to lend them?
586
00:35:23,920 --> 00:35:26,920
There are no beds. In a year,
we should've had time to solve this issue.
587
00:35:27,000 --> 00:35:28,680
But for a year, we've been trying
588
00:35:28,760 --> 00:35:31,320
to figure out
if COVID is feminine or masculine.
589
00:35:31,400 --> 00:35:32,800
It was our main problem.
590
00:35:32,880 --> 00:35:34,960
We still don't agree
on the gender of Wi-Fi.
591
00:35:36,280 --> 00:35:38,120
We eventually agreed on the virus name.
592
00:35:38,200 --> 00:35:40,520
At first, it was the novel coronavirus.
593
00:35:41,080 --> 00:35:42,680
It sounded like a new iPhone.
594
00:35:43,640 --> 00:35:46,200
The novel coronavirus, everybody wants it!
595
00:35:46,280 --> 00:35:48,920
"I've got the old one,
can I get an upgrade?"
596
00:35:49,800 --> 00:35:52,640
Then, it became 2019-nCov.
597
00:35:53,320 --> 00:35:54,680
It wasn't popular.
598
00:35:55,240 --> 00:35:58,960
There must have been a guy asking,
"Is it the six or the eight dash?"
599
00:36:00,560 --> 00:36:02,040
Now, it's COVID-19.
600
00:36:02,120 --> 00:36:05,240
Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus,
WHO's Director General,
601
00:36:05,320 --> 00:36:08,800
explained that
COVID-19 was easier to pronounce.
602
00:36:09,320 --> 00:36:12,560
So why didn't we change the name
of the WHO's Director General?
603
00:36:14,320 --> 00:36:16,760
Come on, Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus!
604
00:36:16,840 --> 00:36:21,000
From now on, we'll call you David.
David-19.
605
00:36:21,920 --> 00:36:23,440
It's got a ring to it.
606
00:36:23,520 --> 00:36:24,960
Any parents here tonight?
607
00:36:26,400 --> 00:36:30,400
You looked at me thinking,
"Yeah, the lockdown, bro."
608
00:36:31,040 --> 00:36:33,720
Our lockdown was not the same.
I've got three sons.
609
00:36:33,800 --> 00:36:36,480
During our video calls,
my single friends were saying,
610
00:36:36,560 --> 00:36:37,960
"I'm so freaking bored."
611
00:36:38,040 --> 00:36:39,280
Die!
612
00:36:40,480 --> 00:36:43,920
I also discovered what kind of dad I was.
Due to that situation.
613
00:36:44,440 --> 00:36:47,680
I don't yell because
614
00:36:48,480 --> 00:36:51,000
I believe that educating a child today
615
00:36:51,800 --> 00:36:54,120
means accompanying him through life.
616
00:36:55,960 --> 00:36:57,200
That's not why I don't yell.
617
00:36:57,280 --> 00:37:00,680
I don't yell because it's useless.
That's the only reason.
618
00:37:00,760 --> 00:37:03,960
I'm so jealous of dads
who shout in the street. They go…
619
00:37:04,520 --> 00:37:06,960
And everyone freezes. I want that too.
620
00:37:08,200 --> 00:37:10,360
If I go, "Whoa," my sons go, "Shush."
621
00:37:12,560 --> 00:37:15,560
"Show me some respect
or I'll tell your mom."
622
00:37:17,200 --> 00:37:19,240
When some dads yell, it's crazy.
623
00:37:19,320 --> 00:37:23,120
Three floors below me,
when this guy shouts, even I am scared.
624
00:37:24,360 --> 00:37:26,480
"Kids, he's going to get us."
625
00:37:27,800 --> 00:37:29,400
"He's going to hurt us."
626
00:37:30,400 --> 00:37:33,200
"Sometimes, he comes at night
when we're at work
627
00:37:33,760 --> 00:37:35,360
and hides under your bed."
628
00:37:36,760 --> 00:37:39,560
"Sometimes you tell us there are shadows."
629
00:37:40,160 --> 00:37:41,320
"It's him."
630
00:37:43,080 --> 00:37:44,840
"If the doorbell rings,
you open the door."
631
00:37:46,040 --> 00:37:48,320
"You came last,
we're less attached to you."
632
00:37:50,720 --> 00:37:55,160
I don't know,
I simply don't know how to yell at a kid.
633
00:37:55,240 --> 00:37:56,760
I don't have the vocabulary.
634
00:37:56,840 --> 00:37:58,240
When I'm scolding my kids,
635
00:37:58,320 --> 00:38:00,560
I use the same words
my parents did with me.
636
00:38:00,640 --> 00:38:03,440
I shout like an elderly person.
"You make my blood boil!"
637
00:38:04,520 --> 00:38:08,000
"You're driving me to a fury.
There'll be hell to pay."
638
00:38:08,080 --> 00:38:11,880
I wanted to punch myself
when I heard that coming out of my mouth.
639
00:38:13,040 --> 00:38:16,000
"There'll be hell to pay."
Did your parents say that too?
640
00:38:16,080 --> 00:38:19,720
Who are you trying to impress with that?
How did we get scared?
641
00:38:19,800 --> 00:38:23,040
How did we go see our bro saying,
"There'll be hell to pay"?
642
00:38:23,120 --> 00:38:25,600
"Daddy said so, he means it."
643
00:38:26,200 --> 00:38:28,440
"Let's go before there'll be hell to pay!"
644
00:38:28,520 --> 00:38:30,840
"Not over there
or we'll drive him to a fury!"
645
00:38:31,680 --> 00:38:34,160
All right, that's it for me.
Thank you for listening.
646
00:38:35,320 --> 00:38:37,040
A big thank you!
647
00:38:45,800 --> 00:38:49,320
{\an8}Good evening! All right!
648
00:38:50,160 --> 00:38:52,280
{\an8}Let's be clear, I accept everyone.
649
00:38:52,360 --> 00:38:55,360
{\an8}I like everyone,
regardless of religion or skin color.
650
00:38:55,440 --> 00:38:58,520
But there's one human species
I hate above all,
651
00:38:58,600 --> 00:39:00,520
and I discovered it during lockdown.
652
00:39:00,600 --> 00:39:03,360
People who own holiday homes.
653
00:39:04,800 --> 00:39:06,600
Those rich bastards!
654
00:39:07,200 --> 00:39:10,560
Down with the bourgeoisie, I swear!
655
00:39:10,640 --> 00:39:12,480
Too many people came to me,
656
00:39:12,560 --> 00:39:16,080
because my house,
it's not even my house, you see?
657
00:39:16,160 --> 00:39:19,880
So some people said to me,
"Hakim, during the lockdown,
658
00:39:19,960 --> 00:39:22,600
I'm going to Aix-en-Provence
with my in-laws."
659
00:39:22,680 --> 00:39:25,800
"They have a nice place.
Swimming pool. They're rich."
660
00:39:26,440 --> 00:39:27,760
My in-laws,
661
00:39:28,640 --> 00:39:33,320
their house is my house.
You see what I mean?
662
00:39:33,400 --> 00:39:35,320
Seriously, my place. Damn.
663
00:39:35,400 --> 00:39:37,800
Poor people marry amongst themselves.
664
00:39:37,880 --> 00:39:39,200
We grew up poor.
665
00:39:39,280 --> 00:39:41,920
We marry people
who don't have an inheritance.
666
00:39:42,000 --> 00:39:46,080
My wife told me, "Don't say that.
We have a lovely cultural legacy."
667
00:39:46,160 --> 00:39:50,680
I say, "Well, fuck cultural legacy.
Keep it, it's all yours."
668
00:39:50,760 --> 00:39:54,920
Try and pay the bills
with cultural legacy, bro.
669
00:39:55,000 --> 00:39:57,200
"I don't have any money, ma'am,
670
00:39:58,280 --> 00:40:00,720
but I've got beautiful olives.
Does that work?"
671
00:40:01,320 --> 00:40:04,200
Come on.
What a joke, this cultural legacy.
672
00:40:04,280 --> 00:40:07,520
People really bugged me
with their holiday homes.
673
00:40:07,600 --> 00:40:09,560
Some people have holiday homes.
674
00:40:09,640 --> 00:40:13,680
Did you see how tough lockdown was for us,
in our broken-down apartments?
675
00:40:13,760 --> 00:40:15,840
These weren't apartments,
they were bus stops.
676
00:40:15,920 --> 00:40:19,320
It's true. When you sleep,
your foot touches the fridge.
677
00:40:19,400 --> 00:40:20,360
You hear everything.
678
00:40:20,440 --> 00:40:23,360
The walls aren't thick,
we hear everything.
679
00:40:23,440 --> 00:40:25,600
That's the truth, that's no life.
680
00:40:26,280 --> 00:40:27,840
A neighbor really got me mad.
681
00:40:27,920 --> 00:40:32,240
Before the lockdown, my neighbor
was always asking me for salt.
682
00:40:32,320 --> 00:40:33,760
He always asked for salt.
683
00:40:34,520 --> 00:40:36,840
I didn't see him for two months.
684
00:40:36,920 --> 00:40:38,280
When he came back, I said,
685
00:40:38,360 --> 00:40:40,560
"Yo, Julien!"
Poor thing, his name is Julien.
686
00:40:42,160 --> 00:40:43,840
"Where were you during lockdown?"
687
00:40:43,920 --> 00:40:46,480
"I was in my holiday house, in Normandy."
688
00:40:47,640 --> 00:40:50,240
"Give me my salt back, son of a bitch."
689
00:40:50,320 --> 00:40:54,200
My salt most likely had
a better lockdown than me.
690
00:40:54,760 --> 00:40:56,600
I am so pissed at my salt.
691
00:40:56,680 --> 00:40:59,640
I don't give a shit.
I only add sugar to my fries now.
692
00:40:59,720 --> 00:41:02,720
Another thing that really bugged me
during lockdown,
693
00:41:02,800 --> 00:41:05,320
the hashtag "stay at home."
Do you remember that?
694
00:41:07,880 --> 00:41:10,080
Not everyone was legit saying that.
695
00:41:10,160 --> 00:41:12,840
An ordinary dude like us, sure.
696
00:41:12,920 --> 00:41:14,720
Cristiano Ronaldo, no.
697
00:41:15,520 --> 00:41:17,480
I've seen Cristiano Ronaldo's stories.
698
00:41:17,560 --> 00:41:21,240
Ronaldo, if you're watching me right now,
listen carefully.
699
00:41:21,920 --> 00:41:24,160
Of course you're staying home.
700
00:41:24,240 --> 00:41:27,240
I've seen your stories
and your 30,000-square-foot garden!
701
00:41:27,320 --> 00:41:30,400
His garden is so big there's a toll in it.
702
00:41:30,480 --> 00:41:33,480
There's also two climates in it,
equatorial and tropical.
703
00:41:33,560 --> 00:41:37,240
In a day, he can go skiing or tanning.
That's not normal.
704
00:41:38,080 --> 00:41:40,760
Ronaldo, that's unreal.
705
00:41:40,840 --> 00:41:42,560
I'm annoyed.
706
00:41:42,640 --> 00:41:45,120
But there has been one nice moment.
707
00:41:45,200 --> 00:41:47,840
Do you remember how tired we were
of the last lockdown?
708
00:41:47,920 --> 00:41:49,960
We all wanted to go out and breathe.
709
00:41:50,040 --> 00:41:54,160
One event really helped,
the protest for Adama Traoré.
710
00:41:54,920 --> 00:41:56,880
Everyone in Paris protested,
711
00:41:56,960 --> 00:42:00,040
not because they believed in this cause,
some just needed fresh air.
712
00:42:02,000 --> 00:42:03,560
I noticed the liars.
713
00:42:03,640 --> 00:42:06,280
I went. I go to a lot of protests.
714
00:42:06,360 --> 00:42:08,440
I enjoy them.
There's a good vibe. It's nice.
715
00:42:08,520 --> 00:42:12,560
Back at my place, I checked social media,
just to see what was being said.
716
00:42:12,640 --> 00:42:16,240
And I've seen some crazy stuff,
like a woman's tweet saying,
717
00:42:16,320 --> 00:42:20,000
"I'm a little disappointed
by the protest."
718
00:42:20,080 --> 00:42:22,080
Her criteria are still unclear to me.
719
00:42:22,920 --> 00:42:25,560
"The tear gas wasn't my thing."
I've got no clue.
720
00:42:26,240 --> 00:42:30,840
"I'm disappointed by the protest.
I went there to see Fary,
721
00:42:32,080 --> 00:42:35,000
and I saw Hakim Jemili."
That's what she wrote.
722
00:42:35,680 --> 00:42:38,120
I'm a disappointment.
There you go. That's…
723
00:42:38,760 --> 00:42:43,760
Some people go to protests
to see famous people, not to protest.
724
00:42:43,840 --> 00:42:46,720
But I admit, I was mad too
because I went there to see Omar Sy,
725
00:42:46,800 --> 00:42:48,800
and I saw Fary. So frustrating.
726
00:42:48,880 --> 00:42:51,960
Thanks a lot. My name's Hakim Jemili.
Have a great night.
727
00:42:55,520 --> 00:42:57,080
Thanks! Make some noise for you!
728
00:43:04,280 --> 00:43:05,280
{\an8}Have a good night.
729
00:43:17,000 --> 00:43:19,080
{\an8}Guys, do exactly as I said,
730
00:43:19,160 --> 00:43:20,880
{\an8}because she's strict about the rules.
731
00:43:20,960 --> 00:43:23,760
Fary, you don't get it.
You can't film in here.
732
00:43:23,840 --> 00:43:25,440
-I haven't said anything.
-Go on.
733
00:43:25,520 --> 00:43:27,600
-This is Ahmed Sylla. Do you know him?
-Hi.
734
00:43:27,680 --> 00:43:30,600
He's a performer.
Différent was nominated for a César.
735
00:43:30,680 --> 00:43:32,560
-Cinema.
-No, don't.
736
00:43:32,640 --> 00:43:37,520
And Hakim. Ahmed Sylla! The actor!
737
00:43:37,600 --> 00:43:39,680
-Play a woman.
-No, come on!
738
00:43:39,760 --> 00:43:42,040
-Please.
-Seriously?
739
00:43:42,680 --> 00:43:45,240
Good evening. Can I come in?
740
00:43:45,320 --> 00:43:47,840
-He's talented. Really talented.
-Really, Fary?
741
00:43:47,920 --> 00:43:49,880
That's all you've got?
An impression of a woman?
742
00:43:49,960 --> 00:43:53,680
Right, it's not original. Do a loser.
743
00:43:53,760 --> 00:43:56,440
So, ma'am, we're going inside.
Why? I'll tell you why--
744
00:43:56,520 --> 00:43:57,560
A loser from the South.
745
00:43:57,640 --> 00:44:01,400
-What matter is…
-A little louder, from the South.
746
00:44:01,480 --> 00:44:03,000
We want to get in.
747
00:44:03,080 --> 00:44:06,720
-Do the philosophy professor.
-According to Sigmund Freud…
748
00:44:06,800 --> 00:44:09,680
-Not a loser, just a philosophy professor.
-Wait… Montesquieu!
749
00:44:12,280 --> 00:44:14,880
-Melancholy.
-All right.
750
00:44:14,960 --> 00:44:17,480
-Bedbugs release!
-Focus on him, please.
751
00:44:17,560 --> 00:44:20,640
Didier Deschamps
who just lost the Euro Cup.
752
00:44:20,720 --> 00:44:22,600
Indeed, I think that…
753
00:44:22,680 --> 00:44:24,920
Didier Deschamps
who just won the World Cup.
754
00:44:25,000 --> 00:44:27,080
Indeed, I think that…
755
00:44:27,160 --> 00:44:29,360
Red card! Laurent Blanc!
756
00:44:29,440 --> 00:44:31,960
I said "No cameras." Don't you get it?
757
00:44:33,400 --> 00:44:34,800
-All right.
-Bernard Lama!
758
00:44:34,880 --> 00:44:37,400
These are names, not impressions.
759
00:44:37,480 --> 00:44:40,600
-Vegedream!
-I didn't think of that one. Good one.
760
00:44:40,680 --> 00:44:42,200
-Yeah, it is.
-You're not impersonating anyone.
761
00:44:42,280 --> 00:44:44,760
Thank God she left.
I was out of characters.
762
00:44:44,840 --> 00:44:46,920
-Fuck.
-Let me explain.
763
00:44:47,000 --> 00:44:50,120
She doesn't like impressions.
That's why she said no.
764
00:44:50,200 --> 00:44:52,640
I know her, so if you want,
I can sort this out.
765
00:44:52,720 --> 00:44:55,520
-Go for it, then.
-He scares me.
766
00:44:55,600 --> 00:44:58,920
And you should be scared too.
Why are you not? This guy's scary.
767
00:44:59,000 --> 00:45:00,800
I was out of impressions.
768
00:45:01,560 --> 00:45:02,640
No, I still have one.
769
00:45:04,720 --> 00:45:06,320
Whipped cream.
770
00:45:06,400 --> 00:45:09,520
I'm with a bunch of idiots.
That's the issue.
771
00:45:09,600 --> 00:45:12,560
-I'm the…
-You can add a strawberry.
772
00:45:12,640 --> 00:45:15,360
-All good, guys. Everything's in order.
-Let's go.
773
00:45:15,440 --> 00:45:16,840
But you can't get in.
774
00:45:16,920 --> 00:45:20,040
What are you on about? This is my place.
775
00:45:20,120 --> 00:45:21,760
We'll talk about it after.
776
00:45:21,840 --> 00:45:26,000
No, Hakim. Madame Sarfati belongs to Fary.
He's joking.
777
00:45:26,080 --> 00:45:26,920
No, but--
778
00:45:27,000 --> 00:45:30,480
Go! Get out of here!
779
00:45:30,560 --> 00:45:32,120
-All right.
-We're going.
780
00:45:32,200 --> 00:45:35,120
We don't have time
for your shitty impressions!
781
00:45:35,200 --> 00:45:38,680
You're clowns! I can do impressions too!
782
00:45:38,760 --> 00:45:39,680
Bourvil!
783
00:45:41,320 --> 00:45:43,040
Where's my electric scooter?
784
00:45:44,800 --> 00:45:46,120
Louis de Funès!
785
00:45:50,160 --> 00:45:51,760
That one wasn't good.
786
00:45:52,480 --> 00:45:55,680
Loïc! He was a friend of mine
in elementary school.
787
00:45:55,760 --> 00:45:56,920
All good, Hakim?
788
00:46:01,520 --> 00:46:04,840
{\an8}PFFF…
A CONFERENCE BY PIERRE-EMMANUEL BARRÉ
789
00:46:05,520 --> 00:46:09,880
{\an8}Good evening.
I'm here to present you a section
790
00:46:09,960 --> 00:46:11,480
of my new conference,
791
00:46:11,560 --> 00:46:14,480
a meeting that will prove fruitful
to all involved.
792
00:46:14,560 --> 00:46:18,080
You'll feel more cultured,
and I'll be richer.
793
00:46:18,160 --> 00:46:19,680
It's a give-and-take.
794
00:46:19,760 --> 00:46:23,160
Or a win-win situation,
as fucking assholes say.
795
00:46:23,240 --> 00:46:27,760
So you'll see,
the purpose of this conference is simple.
796
00:46:27,840 --> 00:46:30,800
A question will appear onscreen.
For instance,
797
00:46:30,880 --> 00:46:33,440
"What correlation exists
between the RNA virus
798
00:46:33,520 --> 00:46:36,160
and functional depletion
of cytotoxic T cells?"
799
00:46:36,240 --> 00:46:38,520
-And I'll need an answer.
-Yes.
800
00:46:40,360 --> 00:46:41,400
The answer was "no."
801
00:46:41,880 --> 00:46:42,920
It's gonna be a long night.
802
00:46:43,000 --> 00:46:45,920
We could have
made this process a lot easier
803
00:46:46,000 --> 00:46:49,920
than questions and answers
by only giving answers.
804
00:46:50,000 --> 00:46:52,440
Example, "To fuck more often."
805
00:46:53,160 --> 00:46:57,960
But this raises issues
because to this simple answer,
806
00:46:58,040 --> 00:47:00,640
many possible questions come to mind.
807
00:47:00,720 --> 00:47:02,360
We can think of,
808
00:47:02,440 --> 00:47:05,880
"Why did you register on Tinder?"
"To fuck more often."
809
00:47:05,960 --> 00:47:10,000
Or, "Why did you put roofies
in the applesauce?"
810
00:47:11,040 --> 00:47:13,960
Rest assured,
I only use organic applesauce.
811
00:47:14,520 --> 00:47:17,440
Children's health is my priority.
812
00:47:17,520 --> 00:47:21,520
But let's dive into the reason
of our meeting tonight,
813
00:47:21,600 --> 00:47:25,440
with today's figures, which were
just released by the government.
814
00:47:25,520 --> 00:47:27,520
They are dramatic. Take a look.
815
00:47:27,600 --> 00:47:31,040
"Twenty-five deaths,
997 people in intensive care."
816
00:47:31,120 --> 00:47:35,440
It's horrible, and these figures
only represent police brutality.
817
00:47:36,080 --> 00:47:38,880
We haven't yet received
those related to COVID.
818
00:47:38,960 --> 00:47:41,800
In addition to this terrible human toll,
819
00:47:41,880 --> 00:47:45,840
this health crisis
has raised many questions.
820
00:47:46,640 --> 00:47:48,960
"Now that we're saying hi
by touching elbows,
821
00:47:49,040 --> 00:47:52,360
does Philippe Croizon
still deserve his disability card?"
822
00:47:52,440 --> 00:47:55,680
"Is Sophie Davant ready
for this new world?"
823
00:47:56,240 --> 00:47:59,280
And of course,
the question we're all asking,
824
00:47:59,360 --> 00:48:01,800
"My wife has lost
her sense of taste and smell."
825
00:48:01,880 --> 00:48:04,360
"Should I keep on washing my dick?"
826
00:48:05,440 --> 00:48:09,760
So rather than going over
all of these questions quickly,
827
00:48:09,840 --> 00:48:12,560
I decided to focus on one and dig deep.
828
00:48:12,640 --> 00:48:15,080
There you go. "How long can we fail
829
00:48:15,160 --> 00:48:19,240
at managing a health crisis
before looking like an idiot?"
830
00:48:19,960 --> 00:48:24,320
This question was asked
by Emmanuel M. from Touquet.
831
00:48:24,400 --> 00:48:27,120
Hello, Emmanuel.
Thank you for your question.
832
00:48:27,200 --> 00:48:31,600
So it's true, we can come up
with a few criticisms
833
00:48:31,680 --> 00:48:34,760
of the government since January 2020.
834
00:48:34,840 --> 00:48:36,480
I've made a list for you.
835
00:48:37,120 --> 00:48:39,000
"In France, we're safe."
836
00:48:39,080 --> 00:48:41,000
"Be careful, the virus is coming."
837
00:48:41,080 --> 00:48:43,080
"We hung posters in airports."
838
00:48:43,160 --> 00:48:45,240
"It's just a cold." "Stay at home."
839
00:48:45,320 --> 00:48:46,680
"Go vote!"
840
00:48:46,760 --> 00:48:48,240
"Hospitals are ready."
841
00:48:48,320 --> 00:48:50,000
"Use trash bags, we're out of scrubs."
842
00:48:50,080 --> 00:48:51,680
"We have ventilators."
843
00:48:51,760 --> 00:48:54,480
"We don't have ventilators."
"We've ordered some."
844
00:48:54,560 --> 00:48:57,320
"Shoot, they weren't the right ones."
845
00:48:57,400 --> 00:49:00,640
"We've got tons of masks."
"Sorry, we burned them all."
846
00:49:00,720 --> 00:49:03,600
"Masks are useless."
"Masks are mandatory."
847
00:49:03,680 --> 00:49:06,520
"Lockdown will be a success."
"Re-opening too."
848
00:49:06,600 --> 00:49:09,560
"Children are not contagious."
"Watch out for children."
849
00:49:09,640 --> 00:49:11,160
"They're very contagious."
850
00:49:11,240 --> 00:49:14,440
"We reopened schools."
"They're not contagious."
851
00:49:14,520 --> 00:49:18,000
"Healthcare workers did a great job.
They must be rewarded."
852
00:49:18,080 --> 00:49:20,600
"We'll give them a medal."
853
00:49:20,680 --> 00:49:24,880
"We're going to help students.
We'll give students a cultural pass."
854
00:49:24,960 --> 00:49:26,800
"The English variant is only in England."
855
00:49:26,880 --> 00:49:29,880
"The Brazilian only in Brazil."
"The Indian only in India."
856
00:49:29,960 --> 00:49:32,000
"Watch out, the variants are coming!"
857
00:49:33,000 --> 00:49:34,440
"We'll get vaccines on time."
858
00:49:34,520 --> 00:49:36,600
"Shoot, vaccines are late."
859
00:49:36,680 --> 00:49:38,560
"We'll remove vaccine patents."
860
00:49:38,640 --> 00:49:40,760
"No, we won't remove patents."
861
00:49:40,840 --> 00:49:44,920
"In case our friends from Sanofi
find a vaccine in 2067."
862
00:49:45,520 --> 00:49:47,600
So as you can see,
863
00:49:48,400 --> 00:49:50,840
it's a little bit of a mess.
864
00:49:50,920 --> 00:49:53,880
The only thing Macron succeeded in
was getting COVID.
865
00:49:53,960 --> 00:49:55,920
But even then, he recovered.
866
00:49:56,000 --> 00:49:58,800
He moved through the pandemic
867
00:49:58,880 --> 00:50:01,440
like a quadriplegic biker
in the Tour de France.
868
00:50:01,520 --> 00:50:03,440
He failed every step of the way,
869
00:50:03,520 --> 00:50:08,040
and this is why I suggest
that we take a look at these figures.
870
00:50:08,120 --> 00:50:09,880
180,000 euros, 15,000 euros.
871
00:50:09,960 --> 00:50:13,920
So here's the price of a degree
at the National Administration School,
872
00:50:14,000 --> 00:50:17,920
and here's one in SEGPA.
873
00:50:18,000 --> 00:50:24,720
So we're left wondering why we're choosing
our leaders from this category,
874
00:50:24,800 --> 00:50:27,000
while we could pick them from this one.
875
00:50:27,800 --> 00:50:30,400
The same abilities at a lower price,
876
00:50:30,480 --> 00:50:32,920
the community has everything to gain.
877
00:50:33,480 --> 00:50:38,040
And to measure the extent
of Emmanuel Macron's failure
878
00:50:38,120 --> 00:50:39,760
throughout this terrible crisis,
879
00:50:39,840 --> 00:50:43,520
one just needs to have a look
at the long list of victims.
880
00:50:44,600 --> 00:50:45,560
Édouard Philippe.
881
00:50:47,120 --> 00:50:48,280
Muriel Pénicaud.
882
00:50:49,040 --> 00:50:50,320
Christophe Castaner.
883
00:50:50,840 --> 00:50:52,240
Agnès Buzyn.
884
00:50:52,320 --> 00:50:54,000
Nicole Belloubet.
885
00:50:54,080 --> 00:50:56,280
Little angels gone too soon.
886
00:50:57,280 --> 00:50:58,400
In a year and a half,
887
00:50:58,480 --> 00:51:01,600
Macron changed ministers
more often than masks,
888
00:51:01,680 --> 00:51:05,120
so were all of these
cabinet shuffles effective?
889
00:51:05,200 --> 00:51:06,720
The answer is no.
890
00:51:06,800 --> 00:51:11,600
With diarrhea, you change underwear,
only to have it dirty ten minutes later.
891
00:51:11,680 --> 00:51:15,240
Because the problem
comes from the asshole above.
892
00:51:16,440 --> 00:51:18,560
It's the same for cabinet shuffles.
893
00:51:18,640 --> 00:51:21,640
Thank you for coming.
I'm Pierre-Emmanuel Barré. Thank you.
894
00:51:28,560 --> 00:51:30,240
{\an8}Hello. How are you doing?
895
00:51:32,200 --> 00:51:35,200
{\an8}After the lockdown,
it's nice to be out again, right?
896
00:51:35,280 --> 00:51:38,760
{\an8}I'm a little bit annoyed
because I've really enjoyed the lockdown.
897
00:51:38,840 --> 00:51:41,840
Man, I really enjoyed the lockdown.
898
00:51:41,920 --> 00:51:44,840
I'm a homebody, and I enjoy being alone.
899
00:51:44,920 --> 00:51:47,640
The only issue I had
was that my husband was there too.
900
00:51:48,320 --> 00:51:51,320
No, I really do love him,
but for only two hours a day.
901
00:51:52,240 --> 00:51:54,840
Between 3:00 and 5:00 a.m.
when he's asleep.
902
00:51:54,920 --> 00:51:57,240
Sometimes, he really pisses me off.
903
00:51:57,320 --> 00:52:02,000
You're not getting it,
he really did piss me off.
904
00:52:02,080 --> 00:52:05,640
He pissed me off so much,
I was looking at him and thinking…
905
00:52:05,720 --> 00:52:07,840
First off, bad idea
for him to let me think.
906
00:52:07,920 --> 00:52:09,920
I looked at him and I was thinking,
907
00:52:11,960 --> 00:52:14,200
"Three months in jail is fine, right?"
908
00:52:15,400 --> 00:52:18,200
It's no biggie!
A little punch in the throat.
909
00:52:18,280 --> 00:52:20,640
Just a quick R2, GTA-style, and I'm gone.
910
00:52:21,320 --> 00:52:23,000
He really got on my nerves.
911
00:52:23,080 --> 00:52:25,640
That's when I realized
living with someone is tough.
912
00:52:26,360 --> 00:52:30,320
The hardest part of living with someone
is that they're living in your house.
913
00:52:30,400 --> 00:52:32,720
He does what he wants, but he's here.
914
00:52:33,720 --> 00:52:36,480
And with time,
you tend to focus on shortcomings
915
00:52:36,560 --> 00:52:38,640
and everything
the other person does annoys you.
916
00:52:39,280 --> 00:52:41,080
Even when he eats.
917
00:52:43,200 --> 00:52:45,200
"Look at the way he eats."
918
00:52:48,080 --> 00:52:50,960
Even when he drinks,
I can hear his throat.
919
00:52:53,160 --> 00:52:54,640
Makes you wanna finish him.
920
00:52:56,400 --> 00:52:58,360
But I must admit, I have my faults too.
921
00:52:59,160 --> 00:53:02,360
I have OCD when it comes to cleaning.
922
00:53:02,440 --> 00:53:03,760
Let me explain.
923
00:53:03,840 --> 00:53:06,520
If my hands are wet,
I can't touch doorknobs.
924
00:53:06,600 --> 00:53:09,680
I can't walk out of the shower
if there's no shower mat.
925
00:53:09,760 --> 00:53:13,160
Everyone has touched this mic
and I'm pretending to be fine, but…
926
00:53:14,520 --> 00:53:16,040
But I'm grossed out!
927
00:53:17,040 --> 00:53:19,320
When all these restrictions came out,
people said,
928
00:53:19,400 --> 00:53:20,760
"Now, when I go home,
929
00:53:20,840 --> 00:53:23,680
I wash my hands,
my phone and the groceries."
930
00:53:23,760 --> 00:53:25,800
I'm like, "What did you do before?"
931
00:53:26,800 --> 00:53:30,240
Did you see all these commercials
telling people to wash their hands?
932
00:53:31,360 --> 00:53:33,760
In which country were we living before?
933
00:53:34,240 --> 00:53:35,680
Seriously!
934
00:53:36,880 --> 00:53:40,880
I also realized my idea of what is dirty
is different than my friends'.
935
00:53:40,960 --> 00:53:43,560
What I consider dirty
is fine for them. So weird!
936
00:53:43,640 --> 00:53:47,440
Girls like to talk about their sex lives,
but I'm quite shy.
937
00:53:47,520 --> 00:53:51,440
Sometimes, they tell me stories
and I pretend to get what they mean,
938
00:53:51,520 --> 00:53:53,000
but in reality, I'm like…
939
00:53:54,760 --> 00:53:57,880
"Damn, she really does that?
I didn't think you were like that."
940
00:53:58,680 --> 00:53:59,920
"How flexible!"
941
00:54:01,440 --> 00:54:03,880
But one of them has no boundaries.
942
00:54:03,960 --> 00:54:06,760
She goes into way too much detail.
943
00:54:06,840 --> 00:54:10,560
And she makes me uncomfortable
'cause she stares at me when she does.
944
00:54:10,640 --> 00:54:13,600
"Fadily, I like this and that."
And I'm like…
945
00:54:14,600 --> 00:54:17,080
"Is she talking to me
or asking me to join?"
946
00:54:17,680 --> 00:54:21,120
She talks to me about whips and clamps.
947
00:54:21,200 --> 00:54:23,440
She's like, "I guess we're dirty."
948
00:54:23,520 --> 00:54:26,560
I'm like, "No, you're aggressive."
949
00:54:27,520 --> 00:54:28,800
She says, "Maybe."
950
00:54:29,880 --> 00:54:33,240
"I like when he's
putting his fingers in my mouth."
951
00:54:33,320 --> 00:54:34,880
Now, that's dirty!
952
00:54:35,600 --> 00:54:37,440
Why on earth would he do that?
953
00:54:37,520 --> 00:54:39,720
That's not a PCR test. Is he going abroad?
954
00:54:41,400 --> 00:54:44,040
Thank you, I'm Fadily Camara. Thank you.
955
00:55:01,400 --> 00:55:02,680
{\an8}How are you doing?
956
00:55:03,400 --> 00:55:07,040
{\an8}I'm really happy
to be filming for Netflix.
957
00:55:07,120 --> 00:55:09,640
Before starting, I've got a confession.
958
00:55:09,720 --> 00:55:12,520
I filmed for them long ago,
two to three years ago,
959
00:55:12,600 --> 00:55:16,160
and we were at a lodge where there were
nice Bluetooth speakers.
960
00:55:16,240 --> 00:55:19,840
And I thought, "It's Netflix."
So I stole them. There you go.
961
00:55:19,920 --> 00:55:21,920
I stole these Bluetooth speakers
962
00:55:22,000 --> 00:55:26,600
and I'm really ashamed
because "For Shirley" was written on them.
963
00:55:28,800 --> 00:55:31,160
I stole my own gift. That's bad.
964
00:55:31,880 --> 00:55:33,200
I didn't even thank them.
965
00:55:34,600 --> 00:55:38,920
During the pandemic,
people got to live my life.
966
00:55:39,000 --> 00:55:42,320
They noticed inconsistencies
in the government and society.
967
00:55:42,400 --> 00:55:43,560
Welcome to my life.
968
00:55:43,640 --> 00:55:46,480
"I've got to allow myself to go out?"
969
00:55:46,560 --> 00:55:49,240
"Wear a mask? Not wear mask?
I don't know."
970
00:55:49,320 --> 00:55:50,880
That's the story of my life.
971
00:55:50,960 --> 00:55:53,480
"Why would I wear a bra
if I have no boobs?"
972
00:55:54,880 --> 00:55:58,160
"What do you want me
to support, the patriarchy?"
973
00:55:58,720 --> 00:56:00,320
I don't see what you want from me.
974
00:56:00,400 --> 00:56:01,560
Am I right?
975
00:56:02,040 --> 00:56:05,440
There's so much pressure
to wear bras. It's frustrating.
976
00:56:05,520 --> 00:56:09,840
Not long ago, I was at the beach,
and one guy had bigger breasts than me.
977
00:56:10,440 --> 00:56:12,160
With hair!
978
00:56:13,080 --> 00:56:15,040
"You should hide your chest!"
979
00:56:15,120 --> 00:56:19,000
I've got a nice torso to oil,
to show on the beach.
980
00:56:20,920 --> 00:56:24,040
I have a nice torso.
I uploaded a picture on Instagram.
981
00:56:24,960 --> 00:56:27,600
I was bare-chested,
and they didn't remove my post, so…
982
00:56:28,400 --> 00:56:29,600
I have a nice chest.
983
00:56:30,600 --> 00:56:33,760
I was with my dog in the picture,
and one nipple was showing.
984
00:56:33,840 --> 00:56:36,760
Someone commented, "Is that a kibble?"
985
00:56:37,960 --> 00:56:39,880
I have a nice chest.
986
00:56:39,960 --> 00:56:43,080
I've felt a lot of inconsistencies
for a long time.
987
00:56:43,160 --> 00:56:45,760
It was funny. My artist friends were upset
988
00:56:45,840 --> 00:56:48,040
because they were
considered non-essential.
989
00:56:48,640 --> 00:56:53,560
Mostly my white friends.
"What do you mean, we're non-essential?"
990
00:56:53,640 --> 00:56:55,520
"It's tough the first time."
991
00:56:56,400 --> 00:56:59,440
"Then you get used to it.
Don't worry and sit down."
992
00:56:59,520 --> 00:57:02,360
"We invented something crazy, hip-hop.
Ever heard of that?"
993
00:57:03,120 --> 00:57:04,880
"If it's not enough, I've got weed."
994
00:57:05,760 --> 00:57:08,360
But seriously, these videos were shocking.
995
00:57:09,000 --> 00:57:12,560
"I'm non-essential."
996
00:57:12,640 --> 00:57:14,440
That's why. So stop doing that.
997
00:57:15,360 --> 00:57:19,840
There's one positive aspect
of being non-essential.
998
00:57:19,920 --> 00:57:23,200
It's that you remember
you're not immortal. That's important.
999
00:57:24,040 --> 00:57:27,640
Elegantly phrased, right?
It could have been a book.
1000
00:57:29,440 --> 00:57:32,520
But it's true,
it's good to feel non-essential,
1001
00:57:32,600 --> 00:57:35,280
because you start thinking,
"I could change my life."
1002
00:57:35,360 --> 00:57:37,720
It was funny seeing
people remember they could die.
1003
00:57:37,800 --> 00:57:40,600
"We can die!" "We always could."
1004
00:57:41,240 --> 00:57:42,880
"But this time, it's for real."
1005
00:57:43,640 --> 00:57:46,120
"It's always been for real!"
"No, for real."
1006
00:57:47,160 --> 00:57:51,760
So people started changing their lives
and doing things they liked.
1007
00:57:51,840 --> 00:57:54,760
That's why I'm an artist.
I'm not essential.
1008
00:57:54,840 --> 00:57:59,040
In an ideal world,
comedians wouldn't exist.
1009
00:57:59,120 --> 00:58:01,120
One shouldn't pay to laugh.
1010
00:58:01,640 --> 00:58:04,760
The biggest problem one should have is,
"We're out of mangoes."
1011
00:58:07,040 --> 00:58:10,920
"Luckily there are kiwis!"
1012
00:58:11,800 --> 00:58:13,960
That's the type of problems
we should have.
1013
00:58:14,720 --> 00:58:19,480
I can't really focus.
I think Netflix drilled holes in the wall.
1014
00:58:20,640 --> 00:58:22,040
I'm a bit stressed.
1015
00:58:22,120 --> 00:58:24,280
This feels like an oral exam
in my own room.
1016
00:58:24,840 --> 00:58:26,120
"Where's my bed?"
1017
00:58:27,520 --> 00:58:30,320
So I remember one thing Macron said
during the pandemic,
1018
00:58:30,400 --> 00:58:33,240
and he said it in between two lockdowns.
1019
00:58:33,320 --> 00:58:35,640
I heard a woman saying
something epic in a bar,
1020
00:58:35,720 --> 00:58:40,000
that's where people share their thoughts.
Best place for stand-up, and it's free.
1021
00:58:40,080 --> 00:58:42,880
I go there and get inspired.
"Yes, tell me."
1022
00:58:44,320 --> 00:58:46,760
So this girl was pissed and said,
1023
00:58:46,840 --> 00:58:50,080
"I don't know what Macron said,
but he didn't say hello."
1024
00:58:52,040 --> 00:58:53,840
I'm off, guys. Thank you.
1025
00:58:57,560 --> 00:58:58,720
Good evening.
1026
00:58:58,800 --> 00:59:02,080
{\an8}How are you? This is cool. I'm happy.
1027
00:59:02,160 --> 00:59:04,600
{\an8}This is my first time
on stage since COVID.
1028
00:59:04,680 --> 00:59:06,920
{\an8}It's weird to see you all with masks.
1029
00:59:07,000 --> 00:59:08,440
Disposable ones, good.
1030
00:59:08,520 --> 00:59:11,960
I was stupid enough to buy a reusable one.
1031
00:59:12,520 --> 00:59:13,680
Up to 30 washes.
1032
00:59:14,280 --> 00:59:16,560
Tell me, who counts the number of washes?
1033
00:59:17,000 --> 00:59:17,960
Exactly.
1034
00:59:18,040 --> 00:59:20,920
But seriously, it changed our lives.
1035
00:59:21,000 --> 00:59:23,880
Two years ago, in Galeries Lafayette,
1036
00:59:23,960 --> 00:59:26,920
Asian tourists were wearing masks,
and we made fun of them.
1037
00:59:27,600 --> 00:59:30,960
Now it's our turn.
Wearing masks is a part of our lives.
1038
00:59:31,040 --> 00:59:32,440
What's frightening is that…
1039
00:59:32,520 --> 00:59:34,880
A while ago
I went back to Galeries Lafayette,
1040
00:59:34,960 --> 00:59:37,280
and there were some Asian tourists,
1041
00:59:37,360 --> 00:59:39,640
and not only were they wearing masks,
1042
00:59:39,720 --> 00:59:42,680
they also had disposable coats.
1043
00:59:44,040 --> 00:59:46,320
I have a very simple theory.
1044
00:59:46,400 --> 00:59:49,280
If you wear something
which is not fashionable,
1045
00:59:49,360 --> 00:59:51,920
you've got information I don't. That's it.
1046
00:59:52,000 --> 00:59:55,040
We've been through a lot of weird things.
1047
00:59:55,120 --> 00:59:58,200
During the first lockdown,
we were all stuck at home
1048
00:59:59,200 --> 01:00:02,000
watching TV, and we were seeing
1049
01:00:02,080 --> 01:00:05,960
wild boars in the Champs-Élysées,
dolphins in Venice.
1050
01:00:06,040 --> 01:00:07,880
And we all thought,
1051
01:00:07,960 --> 01:00:10,560
"When we get out,
this will be a brand-new world."
1052
01:00:12,640 --> 01:00:13,640
And here we are.
1053
01:00:15,000 --> 01:00:16,800
Is this the brand-new world?
1054
01:00:17,400 --> 01:00:20,560
It looks strangely like it did before,
only worse.
1055
01:00:20,640 --> 01:00:22,440
Seriously, what happened?
1056
01:00:22,520 --> 01:00:25,240
We became more conscious
and after two weeks, it's chaos.
1057
01:00:25,320 --> 01:00:27,160
We really have to wake up.
1058
01:00:27,240 --> 01:00:30,320
Look at the environment,
global warming is hitting us hard.
1059
01:00:30,400 --> 01:00:33,120
We need to do something.
1060
01:00:33,200 --> 01:00:35,480
Maybe we can stop eating meat.
1061
01:00:35,560 --> 01:00:37,720
I'm not vegan,
I'm not trying to convince you,
1062
01:00:37,800 --> 01:00:39,480
but I think we should stop.
1063
01:00:40,920 --> 01:00:43,280
You look skeptical. All right.
1064
01:00:43,360 --> 01:00:45,080
Humans have a bad memory.
1065
01:00:45,160 --> 01:00:49,440
Let's recap.
An asshole ate some pangolin or bat,
1066
01:00:49,520 --> 01:00:50,960
and the world stopped.
1067
01:00:51,040 --> 01:00:53,080
He ate meat. That's what happened.
1068
01:00:53,160 --> 01:00:56,360
Now, I don't know who said,
"Don't judge a book by its cover,"
1069
01:00:56,440 --> 01:00:58,560
but of course you fucking should.
1070
01:00:58,640 --> 01:01:01,480
If the guy had done that,
1071
01:01:01,560 --> 01:01:04,000
the guy who ate pangolin, bat or whatever,
1072
01:01:04,080 --> 01:01:07,040
he'd have seen how gross it looked
and wouldn't have eaten it.
1073
01:01:07,120 --> 01:01:09,360
You all know what a bat looks like.
1074
01:01:09,440 --> 01:01:12,800
As for the pangolin,
it's a weasel with scales. Super gross.
1075
01:01:12,880 --> 01:01:17,120
It's one of the rare species
where even the babies look really ugly.
1076
01:01:17,200 --> 01:01:19,640
There are two like that,
Pangolin and Le Pen.
1077
01:01:20,280 --> 01:01:22,840
If he had judged the book by its cover,
1078
01:01:22,920 --> 01:01:25,480
we wouldn't be in this shitty situation.
1079
01:01:25,560 --> 01:01:29,600
There were reports about pangolins,
where idiots said it tasted like chicken.
1080
01:01:29,680 --> 01:01:32,640
Then eat chicken!
Stop being such a fucking pain!
1081
01:01:32,720 --> 01:01:34,000
We're such idiots.
1082
01:01:34,080 --> 01:01:36,160
Worse, humans have a bad memory.
1083
01:01:36,240 --> 01:01:39,320
A few weeks ago in Mongolia,
a guy died from bubonic plague.
1084
01:01:39,400 --> 01:01:41,480
Why? Because he ate a groundhog.
1085
01:01:41,560 --> 01:01:43,480
Serves your right! Fuck!
1086
01:01:43,560 --> 01:01:45,520
Sorry, I know it's mean,
but what the heck?
1087
01:01:45,600 --> 01:01:47,560
I mean, trust your instincts.
1088
01:01:47,640 --> 01:01:51,000
And haven't you learned anything
from the past few months?
1089
01:01:51,080 --> 01:01:54,040
The entire world stopped
because a moron ate a fucking pangolin,
1090
01:01:54,120 --> 01:01:56,560
and you, you eat a groundhog.
1091
01:01:56,640 --> 01:01:59,920
Maybe you live in a remote place
without TV, Internet,
1092
01:02:00,000 --> 01:02:01,760
but think a bit.
1093
01:02:01,840 --> 01:02:04,160
If Frédéric Lopez
hasn't bugged you in six months,
1094
01:02:04,240 --> 01:02:06,000
maybe the world has stopped.
1095
01:02:06,600 --> 01:02:08,720
Ask the right questions.
Trust appearances.
1096
01:02:08,800 --> 01:02:11,000
It's unbelievable. Trust what you see.
1097
01:02:11,080 --> 01:02:14,960
Have you seen the sexual predators,
DSK and Harvey Weinstein?
1098
01:02:15,040 --> 01:02:18,720
If you fuck daily with a face like that,
you must be using a weapon.
1099
01:02:19,280 --> 01:02:21,720
Let's be honest.
Look at François Hollande.
1100
01:02:24,200 --> 01:02:27,240
When he finished his presidency,
1101
01:02:27,320 --> 01:02:32,080
people who had voted for him said,
"True, he hasn't been proactive."
1102
01:02:32,160 --> 01:02:33,240
Really?
1103
01:02:34,000 --> 01:02:36,680
Wait, so he's not Batman?
I often mix them up.
1104
01:02:36,760 --> 01:02:38,880
Of course! Judge a book by its cover.
1105
01:02:38,960 --> 01:02:43,640
Imagine François Hollande in armor
on the battlefield in the Middle Ages.
1106
01:02:43,720 --> 01:02:46,040
People would go,
"Why's the cauldron moving?"
1107
01:02:46,120 --> 01:02:48,880
Shit! Judge a book by its cover,
it's really important.
1108
01:02:48,960 --> 01:02:52,080
A friend of mine told me
at a birthday party…
1109
01:02:52,160 --> 01:02:53,880
We were a group.
1110
01:02:53,960 --> 01:02:56,400
"I lived with an asshole for four years."
1111
01:02:56,480 --> 01:03:01,160
"If I had trusted my instincts,
I wouldn't have stayed a day with him."
1112
01:03:01,240 --> 01:03:03,120
She kept on saying, "What a jerk."
1113
01:03:03,200 --> 01:03:06,360
So I told her, "Take it easy,
we almost got married."
1114
01:03:08,160 --> 01:03:10,640
Have a great evening.
My name is Tom Villa.
1115
01:03:18,480 --> 01:03:19,520
{\an8}Where am I now?
1116
01:03:19,600 --> 01:03:20,960
{\an8}SOMEWHERE
1117
01:03:21,040 --> 01:03:23,440
{\an8}This isn't even a map of Paris!
1118
01:03:24,880 --> 01:03:28,240
Hey, where's Rue Saint-Denis?
I'm heading to Le Fridge.
1119
01:03:33,200 --> 01:03:37,640
Yeah, at the roundabout to the right.
Left? Thanks.
1120
01:03:38,680 --> 01:03:41,560
What? Sorry, I don't have a lighter.
1121
01:03:42,120 --> 01:03:44,240
See you around. Bye.
1122
01:03:45,160 --> 01:03:46,200
Fucking hell!
1123
01:04:38,600 --> 01:04:43,600
{\an8}Subtitle translation by: Mathilde Mazé