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[Vehicles passing, horns honking]
♪
- Addiction... is really cunning...
and really good.
[Siren wailing]
Addiction is not a logical disease,
so you can't talk logic with it.
Your family falls apart, you lose your job.
You lose everything that's important to you.
You lose relationships that are important to you.
It's not that you don't care.
It's just the disease is bigger than that.
♪
It really weaves through a family so well.
The disease is always the most important thing.
- It was a well-known thing in my family
that my dad was an addict.
I caught him in the basement using when I was in fifth grade.
I believe that I was an addict at birth.
I've lost years.
I started this at the age of 19,
and it's like 10 years just went by.
I have no idea who I am.
I never managed to get more than a couple of months sober.
Last time I overdosed, they Narcanned me six times.
There's a reason why I'm still alive.
- My sister showed me
everything that you need to know about heroin 101.
I was itching just as much as she was at one point.
I didn't learn how to get clean from rehab or halfway.
I learned how to get clean
because I put in solid hours of work.
I see myself as doing so much more
than fucking shooting dope.
- I feel like when it's just, like,
my brother and my sister around, I don't feel myself.
I actually, like, am pretty depressed.
When they left for rehab, I prayed for them all the time.
But there was no problems here.
It was just me, my mom, and my stepdad.
Life was good.
- I'm the stepfather of drug addicts.
I never had a problem fixing problems.
And I figured this would just be something else I could fix,
and I was wrong.
- I was the fifth child born, my mom's youngest.
She suffered with anorexia nervosa.
It shows up just like addiction.
She looked like she was dying all the time.
I had goals and aspirations, and it didn't matter.
There was no regard for what I needed.
It was about what she needed
and what I needed to do to make that happen.
With addiction, you grow up with it.
You have a first husband with it.
You have your kids that are struggling with it.
I promised my kids... We all fucking get out alive.
We all survive this.
♪
- I don't smoke ever, so I don't know whatever...
- You really don't? - I really don't, so...
- Well, I'm glad for that. - They've been with me all day.
Did you guys see me smoke at all today?
- No. You're right. I'm glad about that, Nic.
- Yeah. - When did you stop?
- I stopped months ago. I smoke maybe, like...
- That can't even be.
I saw you have a cigarette like two days ago.
[Laughter]
You need to quit.
You know, smoking cigarettes...
The statistic shows that it's harder to quit drugs
if you're still smoking.
- I actually might get a couple of drags off of that.
- I don't think she cares right now.
- Oh! Oh! Oh!
[Laughing]
- I'm going inside, dude. Fuck that.
[Tapping on window]
- This is the healthy alternative?
- Let's sit down so we can talk like a nice, happy family.
- Get yourself one of these guys. - Look, I'm done already.
- Why do you think Christopher needs an intervention?
- That's what we're all doing here.
- Because she's projecting now. It's a defense mechanism.
- I know. I'm tired of hearing it.
Every day, you get me on the phone and tell me that he...
he needs an intervention for marijuana.
- He does. He does. - Do you need an intervention?
- You can't live here and be on pot, so...
- Pretty sure I've been here for the past three days,
and I haven't even been out of the house.
So I got to go? - Well, go or stop smoking pot.
- I'm being truthful. I could have just sat here
and been like, "No, I never smoke pot ever."
- Right, but you have to gt drug-tested to live here.
- But in social situations...
Yeah, you're right. - Okay.
- Well, Nicole, you were successful. Good job.
She always is. We...
- 'Cause I'm a success.
- Yep, you're a success. ♪ I just want to be successful ♪
- I'm tired of hearing her say every time you guys fight
that you shouldn't be living in the house with her daughter
because she has to live in a halfway house.
- That's because she's crazy. Look at Nicole.
You're gonna sit here and tell me
the 12-step program works for a couple of people.
Nicole's been in 19 of them. You're gonna sit here
and tell me that drug addiction isn't worse than cancer?
- I hate when you do that. - You just told me
that drug addiction wasn't worse than cancer.
- Numbers. The numbers. We're talking about the numbers.
That's what we're talking about.
- Because I have higher credentials to talk about this
than three out of the four people...
- Here we go. - You won't want to hear it.
- You're spewing out facts that aren't real facts.
- What facts? I said drug addiction.
There's more deaths than breast cancer.
And I'm pretty sure you don't even know that.
- That's not true. Look it up. - I don't think so.
- I'm not gonna be the dickhead that pulls out my phone.
- The only reason... - "Opioids now kill more people
than breast cancer." CNN.
- Okay. You're right. I'm sorr. Look how happy he is.
- I'm not happy. It's just you're all fucking retarded.
Bryan's the only knowledgeable person in the fucking room,
and you're all telling me I'm wrong.
- I'm sorry. I care about you. I think you're a good person.
But how dare you call my house and curse at my daughter
when she's just trying to spend time with her family?
After seeing the Snapchat story with you and Nicole last week,
after hearing about this,
that you're in the hospital again,
I'm really concerned, and I'm worried about Giovanna.
I'm worried about her coming out there.
- You're cold? Oh.
- I wouldn't do it for Nicole either.
I'm worried. I promised your daughter I'd keep her safe.
- Oh, you did a snowman?
- Like, I have so much responsibility here.
I send her up there, you go shoot dope, you overdose,
and she grabs your needle, and then she dies.
I got to live with that the rest of my life.
And I saw the signs right in front of me.
I just spoke about it last night,
about all the years I minimized.
I'm gonna sit here and believe you.
Take care of yourself.
- [Coughing]
- Baby, come here. Come sit with Mommy.
- That's my favorite toy. - That's your favorite toy?
♪
[Siren wailing]
♪
- The last time Nicole overdosed, she had been living
in an apartment half a block from here.
Her boyfriend and the baby were at the apartment
under the idea that they were gonna try to be a family
with me right close by watching.
That went really bad really fast.
♪
I get a phone call from the landlord,
and she was freaking out, saying, "What is going on?
Why are the cops trying to bust in my door?"
So I just jumped out of bed and booked down the street.
♪
I said to one of the cops outside,
I said, "Is it the girl or the boy?"
And she said, "The girl, and she's not responding."
I said, "I'm going in. That's my daughter."
I looked down at Nicole, and she was blue and she was gone.
And they had her clothes ripped off,
and they had machines on her.
And I just kept screaming at them, "Please.
Just please, please keep trying.
Keep trying to save her."
- Hello.
Welcome to "Cribs: Long-Term Recovery Edition."
I'm Nicole. I'm your host.
We have the living room, the whiteboard.
It causes a lot of controversy every day.
We have issues over who gets to write on it.
Serena always wins.
Womanspace philosophy.
We have to say it every day.
Oh, the Christmas tree.
Whoever draws the short straw has to pretty much take it away.
And then this is where the magic happens.
Right, Miss Helen?
I'm showing them the office. - Okay.
- So you might want to pop that cleavage out, baby.
Because of insurance,
Womanspace is a four-to-six-month program.
- Welcome to our room. - Welcome to the penthouse suite.
- This is where it all happens. - This is where it all goes down.
Notice how I have the smallest side of the room.
- She came in last. - I did come in last.
It's just pictures of G. That's Giovanna's baptism.
So, Stephen is Giovanna's godfather.
And that one up there is her with, like, one of my bras on.
She used to, like, steal my bras
and, like, run around the house with it.
That's her baptism picture.
And there's her with my brothers.
I met somebody in rehab.
I got pregnant with Giovanna in rehab.
Signed over custody of my child to my mom
when I overdosed with her in the apartment.
I was sober for almost four months.
- When I first met Nicole, I was like, "Oh, my God.
Who is this girl?"
And I've seen her grow.
Like, I believe she came in with 16 days or something.
And till now, it's like, "Oh, my God.
What a transformation."
You can make a friend,
especially after being so many months with someone.
You can build a friendship.
- Megan is creative and...
[Exhales deeply]
...right from the bat, I noticed how giving and loving she is.
I'm so glad that our paths crossed.
- Mm-hmm.
- So glad.
- Me too.
- You know, we've had division, and we've had situations,
where we have had disagreements.
- It gets real in here. A lot of shit goes down, you know?
We talk about some real shit in here...
- Yeah, yeah. - ...that, like, you know,
we don't talk about in therapy and stuff like that.
- It's like us empowering each other, too.
- If we allow ourselves to feel like we're less than,
that we don't deserve it,
that's what we're gonna believe, that we don't deserve it.
- My hope and my desire
is that we don't die from this disease of addiction.
And I see hope here.
And you girls, I love you.
I'm so glad you're my roommates and you're here.
Thank you.
♪
[Birds chirping]
- Chris, you have a haircut today.
- [Coughing] - All right. Don't forget.
- I got you.
- Here you go. No?
- [Speaks indistinctly]
- Look what's on TV, G.
- Uh-oh. Your favorite.
Do you want to go get your chair in your room
so I could do your hair?
Go get your chair. - No.
- Please. - No.
- All right. I'll get it.
- Yeah.
- G, you're so pretty.
And when we get to the studio,
can you take the hand towels that are in the bathroom,
the used ones, and throw them in the wash?
[Smooches] Okay.
Say bye. Give Uncle Stephen a kiss.
First when I took her there every day, I felt bad,
but now it seems like she's really happy
and she's socialized, so it's good.
- Yeah. [Speaking indistinctly]
But that's why they call it the terrible twos.
- Yeah. And you guys were at preschool.
I sent you two days a week in the morning
when you were that age just to get socialized.
And then I spent the rest of the day, and I worked at night.
And... [Coughs] I don't even know now.
I thought I was doing all the right things.
I don't even know now.
This is better that she's just there all day.
She seems really happy.
[Machines humming]
[Indistinct conversations]
I believe in synchronicity.
I believe in the flow of energy in the universe.
I'm speaking tonight on addiction
and how it's affected my family over the years.
And it's been a really hard, long journey
because I'm the type of person
that really cares about what people think of me.
And to do this, I have to be, like, fearless
and speak about things that make me not look so great, right?
Because if I'm gonna tell the story
and put the energy out there,
I have to say, you know, "This is what I did."
I mean, like, I probably neglected my daughter at times,
you know, because I was going through my own shit.
And therefore, things got worse with her.
But if I don't speak that truth,
then other people who feel the same way
can't feel they have a place.
[Playing Red Hot Chili Peppers' "Under the Bridge"]
♪
[Engine idling]
- Nicole is talking about going on a couple of months
where she would take Giovanna with her to live.
It's called a Mommy and Me program.
I don't personally think she's ready to take care of Giovanna.
You know, I don't think she can take care of herself yet.
Seventeen rehabs, I think.
It's not a made-up number.
I think that's the actual number of times
she's been in treatment.
And I honestly don't think Nicole
is gonna pull out of this.
- ♪ That's why, darling ♪
♪ It's incredible ♪
♪ That someone so unforgettable ♪
♪ Thinks that I am ♪
♪ Unforgettable, too, ooh ♪
[Cheers and applause]
- [Singing indistinctly]
♪
♪ I think I could understand ♪
- I've done a lot of really fucked-up shit
in my addiction, but I love the substance.
It completely takes over my mind and my body.
It makes me do things that I would never normally do.
I have robbed.
I have stolen.
I have sold my ass.
And when I become sober again
and start thinking about those things,
in the past, what it has done is drive me back to relapse
because I feel so guilty and shameful.
- So proud of you. [Applause]
That was awesome.
- Brought tears to my eyes.
- We're gonna go pick up G.
I pick her up every day, Monday through Friday.
I took her to Chipotle last night,
and they thought she was my daughter.
She's a really good-looking kid,
so I was like, "Yeah, it is my daughter.
What's up?"
Nah, I told them... I told them she was my niece.
But, you know, like, people look at me like, "Dude,
this guy's taking care of business," you know?
Put your hood up. It's cold!
It's cold.
[Indistinct talking on television]
- Hello! - [Laughing]
- Zoom in on the crotch. - Wait. Look, look.
You could do a filter on his face with Snapchat.
Look. Look at my screen.
They didn't know he was 'bout it 'bout it.
I realized that I could make friends in sobriety
that would like me for me.
- Of us?
- It was a pivotal moment just to take that leap
and just be myself.
- This is a tight squeeze. Your ass can barely fit.
- [Laughing] - I can see it.
- I think that's, like, why Meg and I
are able to, like, stay sober.
- Are you ready, Icky Nikki?
- My God. I'm so excited.
It feels really good.
But at the same time, I still have those thoughts.
It's really fucking crazy. - Do you believe in aliens?
Yeah, I believe in ali... We are the aliens.
For me, it's almost like an impending doom.
It's like a creepy, almost foggy feeling
that, like, literally can take over me.
- ...a different kind of rotating storm spawns tornadoes.
- I love tornadoes.
- The rotating energy gets focused
like an atmospheric laser.
- Down past here, right?
We can't even find our way in a museum.
How are we gonna get through life?
- But when I am in that space,
it's like something takes over me
and I just get overwhelmed with all of these things.
Like, "Oh, my God. My mom's mad at me."
Like, "I got dumped. Holy shit. Like, what's wrong with me?
I need to lose 50 pounds by tomorrow
or else nobody's ever gonna want me."
Like, "Oh, my God. I'm undesirable."
I get overwhelmed by all these feelings,
and the only thing I know
that can take that away is to go get high.
- They say you leave off at the age
when you first started using.
So I'm like what, 12, really? - Right.
- Look at the trees. They look like little trees.
♪
- Draw Mommy a picture.
Draw Mommy a picture with the grapes.
- In there!
- Show me.
- In there. - That's the eyes?
Where's the smile?
Good job.
What color is this?
- Brown. - Good job.
- [Both laughing]
- I talked to Dad a little bit after Christmas
when he got gifts,
'cause I wanted to thank him for it,
but then kind of, like, after that,
I feel like that kind of just paved the way for him
to just kind of full force.
We're gonna be playing guitar and bass together.
We're gonna be doing all that.
But he wanted to go to the parade together.
And I mean, like, we were planning on it.
But then he got arrested the night before.
And I got a call from Lisa, and she was just like,
"Your father got arrested." Like, no, tomorrow's a no-go.
- He texted me at like 8:15 the night before the parade.
Yeah, he got arrested for hitting somebody over the head
with a fucking cane.
- Is that what happened? - Yeah.
- I tried to get out. I really did.
His parents, they would minimize.
I'd be like, "He just punched me in the face the other day,"
and his mom would be like,
"Oh, you're always just overdoing it."
- Yeah, I haven't seen Nicole sob...
I haven't seen you sober like this in a while, so...
- Yes. No. You're sober. - Right. I am.
- You are. - I didn't say you weren't.
- What's going on, Chris?
You're really having a hard time being kind to her.
- No. I mean, it's not that
I have a hard time being kind to her.
It's just little shit, you know?
Like, you came here, you left with, like, four bags of shit.
- I can spend my money how I want to spend my money.
When Nicole gets on pass every other week,
I am feeding my own soul, too.
I get to spend time with my sober daughter
and my granddaughter, and we get to do things together.
And it's not accompanied
with her trying to get drugs at the same time.
- People in early recovery, which she still is in
until she has a year, shouldn't get shit.
I'm not trying to be a dick. It's just the way it is.
- You are being. - Well, I mean,
I would like to see my sister succeed when she gets older.
She overdosed like four times last year.
- I'm trying to show her love. - Yes, you showed her love.
There's other ways.
- I agree with Chris on this. - Thank you, Steve.
I just think that there's been a couple of things
in the past year or so in Nicole's journey
to recovery that I...
- Steve, you visited yesterday.
- I'm glad Nicole's alive, so there's that.
- I go through this process of, like, getting sober,
and I have one friend, who is Megan,
and she, like, holds me accountable,
and, like, her insurance is running out.
I just don't want her to go,
and I don't want to fucking go anywhere else.
Again, again, again, again, again.
It's just shitty, but I know I have to, so it's just...
Um...
♪
It's really nice when you find somebody
that, like, actually, you know...
- Right. - ...gives a shit about you.
♪
- He said it to me this morning.
He's like, "She's just gonna - He saioverdose and die.
We might as well just get it over with."
It's because he's afraid to open up.
- Right.
- Well, maybe Christopher is acting that way
'cause it is, like, we're getting on that...
- Yeah. - ...time.
- Mm-hmm.
She's gonna have to transition to a new place, and...
usually that doesn't go well.
She'll get wherever she's going,
she'll find fault with everything.
She leaves. It's the same old thing.
It's... It's... - What if it's not this time?
- I don't know what I should do.
Should I just go to the recovery house and stay around here?
- I don't know. I don't want to give you, like, my advice
because it's one-sided.
- I feel like there's something different this time.
- Yeah. You always say that. - What else am I supposed to say?
- Well, you have to give yourself some hope, I guess.
- Okay. [Sighs]
I really, really think... that right now,
where she is right now, how she is right now...
if you could just show some affection,
it might make a difference.
- It's always been that way and it's always been,
"Oh, she just needs one more thing to get..."
- I'm not saying it's the cure-all.
I'm saying it might...
Just this time, I'm feeling like it might make a difference
if you throw her some words of encouragement.
Something.
- I want you to stay close to me, so...
- It's selfish, not one-sided. - Well, yeah, it's selfish.
And I want what's best for you.
So I don't think you should listen to me.
- Where are you going after? - I don't fucking know.
- Don't you think you should start thinking about that?
- She's 29 years old.
- She's not 29, and you know it. She's like 16.
I'm just asking you to understand
where I'm coming from. That's all.
I'm trying to put... - I understand that.
You know, of course, when she's 30
and it's still the same thing for...
It's not like, you know, she's asking us,
"Here, watch my kid for the weekend."
It's like a two-decade commitment she put on everybody.
- You only have like a month or two.
- Two if I'm lucky.
- So you're not thinking of where you're going after?
- I am, actually.
- Where are you gonna go? - I have no clue, Meg.
- It's not a little thing, is my point.
You don't get to put that responsibility on someone
and not have... have to take some of the blame for it.
And if the blame means you feeling bad for a little while,
you're gonna feel bad for a little while.
- She wakes up feeling bad. She goes to bed feeling bad.
She feels bad when she takes a shit.
She feels bad when she breathes.
I'm telling you that. She's living in hell.
- What point do you say enough is enough?
- I don't know. What if she had cancer and she kept re...
It's not... It isn't...
- People with cancer don't ruin your daily life.
They don't go through your wallet while you're sleeping.
They don't forge checks.
They don't get arrested becaue they're trying to buy chemo.
You can't compare it.
- Part of the fallout from a disease.
- She... There's a toxicity to having her around.
♪
- I don't ever really feel like a good mom.
I never really did.
I feel like I'm always waiting for a shoe to drop.
And Nicole turned to me and she said,
"You know, Mom, imagine how I feel.
I smoked crack in the car with my kid.
And you have to raise my kid.
Imagine the shame that goes into that.
So you're still doing better than me."
♪
- I tried kicking you all out. You keep coming back.
♪ I'm not an addict ♪
- I mean, I learned from my mistakes.
- I learned from my mistakes, too.
- Which one, dude? - All of them.
- Name one. - What are you talking about?
- I don't think that's fair. I think she's trying.
- Yeah. - No, you're trying.
You're trying.
You'll get there. - What are you talking about?
- You'll get there, though, Nic. You'll get there.
- Okay, Chris, why don't you try getting there a little yourself
before you pass judgment on other people?
- I'm in there, dude. - I don't think so, buddy.
- It's just shit you need to hear.
You know what I mean? Nobody else...
- Baby, I think you need to step back
and, like, stare in the mirror and say some of this shit.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
- Okay. - Why are you mad now?
- What? - Why are you mad now?
- Nothing. Because I just...
Like I said, I'm just trying to tell an addict
what they need to hear, and I get shut down for it.
- Why do you think that you know what I need to hear?
You drink and smoke pot.
Why would I want your opinion on how to get sober?
- So, where's your knowledge of this?
Oh, and you're locking your daughter out
because you want a confrontation with me.
This is shit that I'm talking about.
If you don't want my opinion, then you're not ready.
- Why do you hold your opinion in such high regard?
- Because I'm one of the people
that you put through a shitload of shit every fucking day,
and you don't even realize it, but you don't want
my fucking opinion? - No, I don't.
- That makes no sense to me, Nicole.
I wake up and I fucking help your daughter.
- You take care of her because... - Are you serious?
- ...you're living at Mom's house.
- Don't fucking play me like that.
- Why are you back at Mom's house?
- I'm here to help Mom take cae of your daughter.
- Mom called you and said, "Chris, I need your help.
Transfer out of West Chester"?
- No, I called Mom because Im a fucking courteous person.
- You don't think that it has anything to do with the fact
that you continuously tried to kill yourself?
- No, I tried to kill myself once because I was depressed.
Obviously. Like, look at what goes around.
But right now, I'm a straight-A student.
You know, I have a job. - I'm not talking about now.
I'm talking about your transfer from West Chester
back to Mom's house.
- I'm here because I'm helping out with your daughter.
- No, that's not the truth. - No, no, no.
'Cause you're gonna keep interrupting me now.
You're stuck in a recovery house all day.
I don't even talk to you.
- Because I am sober and you're jealous because you're not?
- Bro, you can't be serious right now.
- Yeah, I am serious. - I'm gonna walk out.
- So if you fucking piss in a cup right now,
it will be totally clean? - Yeah, it will.
You want to go buy it? - Go get a fucking drug test
and prove me wrong, and then I'll stand here
and listen to this fucking bullshit.
Everything that's coming out of your mouth right now
is fucking ridiculous.
- Let me say one thing. Okay? - You say one thing. Go ahead.
- If I'm getting high, how come I can get A's, work, and coach,
but you still sit on your ass all day?
So how come... If I'm getting high,
how come I can still take care of all my shit
and you can't do shit?
- Prove me wrong! Go take a test!
- All right. Conversation's over.
- Well, how come I can live life?
- I could live life when I was going to Anthem
and getting high all day and got A's all day.
- I'm the one taking care of your daughter.
- Yo! - You don't do shit.
- Conversation's over. I'm tired of this.
- Get the fuck out, dude. - Christopher, get out.
- Fucking scumbag. Fuck out of here.
- Like, I struggle to even feel
a part of this whole unit to begin with.
I think it's just easier at this point
for everybody if I just fucking go down,
because nobody's used to me doing the right thing.
I just don't know how to be.
- I understand that.
- No, I... - I understand that.
- I don't know how to be.
Like, I don't know how to be around my daughter.
I don't know how to be.
- Maybe it is time for you to start figuring that out.
What do you think...
Put your friend Megan aside, whether you could have visitors.
What do you think you need next?
Not what other people think.
What do you need next?
- Like, I'm here. I have all this freedom.
It doesn't make sense to go to a place
where it's, like, I'm far away, I don't see my daughter,
I don't have a cellphone.
I...
[Sighs] I can't live like that.
I don't want to feel like I'm being punished.
♪
G, you're running around with poopy butt.
- [Laughing] - Come here.
♪
Aah! - [Laughing]
Mommy!
- Aah! - [Laughing]
♪
So now I come back, and I have to go pee in a cup.
- So why did I get one? - Because they probably thought
that maybe you were getting high, baby.
♪
Thank you, as always.
Lovely.
I wish people would ask me what it feels like
to not put my daughter to sleep every night.
I can go upstairs now if I want?
Or I wish family would embrace me.
♪
- I'm not saying that people aren't allowed
to feel the way they're allowed to feel.
I'm just saying that she needs more time clean to get there.
She's not gonna get there right now.
- I think you had more mental capacity
going into your recovery at 18 than she does today at 29.
- I don't know. Jesus, can you not die?
Can you just stop doing heroin, please?
Can you get a job and take care of your kid?
It's all anybody asks. That's why it's so frustrating.
Just get a job and take care of your fucking kid.
- If it was that easy,
64,000 people in this country wouldn't have died last year.
It's not that easy.
- They don't have what Nicole has... the support system.
The fact that you would never let her go out in the streets,
even though if I was her dad or her mother...
- There are people that I know that are better than me,
way better at this than I am,
friends that I have that I went to their kids' funerals
this year, last year, the year before
that I wish I was as good a parent as they are.
It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
♪
- I am not perfect in my recovery at all.
I have fucked up in every way, shape, or form.
I just have not used. [Claps hands]
I just have not fucking gotten high.
I went and met up with G's dad,
and, like, you know, we've had relations,
and I've intentionally started drama.
I've been a shit-stirrer.
I've done... a lot of nut-ass bullshit.
♪
We get sober.
We don't get sane or better.
♪
- I think you get conditioned to be a minimizer.
And because my mom was an addict with her eating disorder,
our house was about her.
It was about keeping her addiction alive.
When I was younger, I was at the beach really having a great day.
It was starting to rain.
I walked home,
and a family friend lured me in and molested me.
I was 9.
And I was walking home from that,
and my dad was looking for me,
and he said, "Where have you been?"
And I told him, "This is what happened."
He got silent, and he looked at me,
and he said, "Your mom's having a really hard day.
She's really weak, and she hasn't been eating.
We're not gonna discuss that when you get home.
We can't handle that."
That's really the message I got over and over again
throughout my life.
That demon that ran through my mother runs through Nicole.
- Oh, shit. - I'm about to die.
- Fuck, dude. Let me get my weapon!
It's literally not letting me get my weapon.
All right. Whatever.
I didn't have anybody on my team.
♪
- What's important
is that you start having a relationship with yourself.
So when somebody leaves or somebody moves
or whatever it is,
you're not, like, completely 100% dependent on them.
- Yeah. No. I know.
- You know? I mean, like, I get it.
I'm codependent too. I get it.
But my point is that you have to at least find
some kind of connection with yourself,
like, where you like hanging out with you.
- Yeah. I am getting there. - You are?
You can do this transition. You can't live...
You can't live in Womanspace forever.
You have to make the transition, remember?
- I know. I just feel like I don't have a purpose right now.
- You do. You have a big purpose.
It's cold outside.
- Got your doughnut.
- Yay. - Right?
- Delicious. - So delicious.
Want to go to the zoo and see all the animals?
[Gasps] With Mommy.
Want to go with Mommy? - Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
We're at the zoo.
We're at the zoo!
- You got both of us.
- [Gasps] Look, G. Over there! I think those are zebras.
Go, go, go.
And then you can go like this. Big, big step.
- [Laughs]
- You coming? - You coming?
You're gonna stay here with the monkeys?
- You want to go see the cats? - Come on.
Oh, man.
Mommy's a second-class citizen.
- When Nicole comes around, she tries to show up
as if she's taking care of G all the time.
And that's difficult.
- You want to wear my sunglasses?
Cool, dude.
- [Crying] - What's wrong? What's wrong?
What's wrong? Oh, your knee hurts?
- It's very hard for me to watch her be parented all the way,
especially when I'm there.
- I don't think she should go up there that high.
- Mom, she's fine.
- Do you mind climbing up there?
It's making me nervous.
- Mom, she's fine. Let her go.
There's other kids in there her size.
- I know, but if any of them...
- So what? She'll get over it.
She's fine. It's good for her.
[Indistinct conversations]
I don't want to go an hour away because I want to be able
to see my child as much as I see her now.
That's it. I want to be able to get to my mom's studio...
- And your... All your support's here.
- Yeah, all my supports are here. I don't want...
- Your meetings. It's very unsettling.
- Yeah, it is unsettling.
There's a lot of fucking bullshit
that's going on that's unsettling.
- Yeah. - You know, I'm over here
working my ass off to stay sober,
to, like, do the right thing.
I'll have seven months in May.
And my entire family decides that they're going to Las Vegas
on my daughter's third birthday for this fucking wedding.
I've been asking my mom for weeks.
"You promise you're not going to this fucking wedding?"
- Sometimes these consequences, they just keep coming.
And it's, like, in some ways, a test to say,
"You know, are you rea... Do you really want this?
Like, how committed are you?"
- I want my daughter to stay here so I can sing "Happy Birthday"
to her for the first time on her birthday.
I've earned that.
- So it's about G.
It's about being robbed
of your time with her on her birthday.
- On her birthday.
Meanwhile, there goes Christopher
on the plane with my daughter.
You know what I mean? - So I think...
- So he can go play daddy with my child in Vegas.
- But he's not playing... - But he does, though.
- I'm worried about all these transitionings happening
right with G's birthday.
Like, all of it happening at the same time is a lot...
almost too much.
- Dude, it already is too much.
♪
- It's really important not to fixate on these dates.
It can just be another day that you celebrate them.
- For you, that's easy for you to say.
- It's easy for me to say, really?
You want to know how many birthdays I had to put down
because of all this shit?
Don't say that to me.
I know exactly what I'm talking about.
Easy for me to say.
No, it's not. I get it.
But I also understand. - No, I don't think so.
- Okay.
- No. I'm sorry.
I just think that you know what it feels like,
like that, like...
- I do. I know... I know what pain feels like.
- No, you don't. Like, I'm sitting here by myself
while my whole family... - You know what, Nicole?
You know what? You know what? I'm done.
This is what I'm gonna do. I didn't get the tickets yet.
I'm not going 'cause I can't listen to it anymore.
I'm just not gonna go. This way, you can be happy,
and I'll do something else another time.
I'm not doing this anymore.
I can't listen to this for two more months
and make it be my fault that things aren't going your way.
I just can't do it anymore.
Can't do it anymore.
♪
When I was raising you kids, you know the mayhem we lived in.
I didn't get an opportunity to grow as a mother
the way normal mothers get to grow.
I went to school for early childhood education
just to learn how to do it right,
'cause I was so set on being a good mom.
And, Chris, I was a lot like you.
I was very argumentative in school.
I fought with everybody. I knew everything.
I'm just doing what the book says, right, with Nicole.
I'm like, "Nicole, this is blah, blah, blah."
And she's responding to me the way the book said
she was going to, and I'm feeling pretty proud
'cause I'm in my early 20s.
And your dad busts in high on cocaine,
freaks out, throws... throws the door open,
screams at her, throws her against the wall.
And then... And then I can't...
Like, then everything changes, right?
And that's how motherhood went for me.
So now I'm at this point, trying to fix it all.
- I think you need to give yourself
a little more credit, Mom. - I don't know about you guys,
but I think I am pretty mindful about enabling you guys.
Would you say that or would you think that...
- I would definitely most certainly say that.
- I work at that, right? That's every day.
Because it's... I want to slip back into enabling.
Like, I would much rather hand you all $100 right now
and see a big smile on your face
and that makes me feel good and I get to walk out the door.
That's my fallback. Do you know what I mean?
What I do every day is a lot harder.
And, um, like, with you...
[Sighs]
If I fall back, I don't die.
- Yeah. But I also think that there's a difference between,
like, enabling an addict
and just, like, being a human being, too.
- Absolutely. That's the challenge.
- I know. - That's the challenge.
- That's the hard part is finding that line.
- I don't think six months is long enough
to be in that type of facility.
I think you need a year, and I'm scared.
- I see how I'm progressing, I see how good I'm doing,
and now it's... it's kind of shitty.
Then you have to, like, start from ground zero.
Like, I have to, like, let go of my therapist.
I have to let go of my sponsor. I have to...
- Well, you don't. You don't know that.
You don't know any of that. - I have a week and a half left.
- Sometimes I feel like I've done some pretty cool things
in my life that have gone unnoticed
because the littlest thing in their life at the dinner table
was more important than the biggest thing in my life.
- I'm working my ass off to stay sober.
My entire family's going out to Las Vegas
on my daughter's third birthday, and I'm gonna be here by myself.
- I'll be here by myself, too. - I'm pissed.
- It's 3! Giovanna's gonna have more important birthdays.
Let's throw her a fucking quinceñera in 10 years.
- If you're sober from here on out, this is gonna be, like,
probably the last shitty thing
that you have to deal with from your past.
- I really am sad. - It is.
- I'm resentful as hell.
- And I'm not taking that from you.
And I explained to you when I decided to go
that this is something I have to do anyway.
- I understand.
- You're just not used to me knowing...
- It's not about you. It's not about you.
It really isn't about you. I understand why you have to.
- I'm not saying it's about me.
I'm saying you're not used to me knowing it's shitty for you
and still doing it.
- Why don't we just keep G here then?
There's no reason for a 3-year-old
to be in Las Vegas.
I hold my daughter at a different standard.
Uh, is that funny
that I hold my daughter at a different standard?
- It is a little bit, but I'm just gonna...
- Is it? That I gave my daughter to you? That's funny?
- Me, Bryan, and Chris don't even have our own kids,
so we can't even relate anyway.
- We're on camera.
- This is why I don't like everybody being together.
This is a week of fallout I've got to deal with now.
- Yeah, because she just doesn't...
She doesn't know how to be human.
- We're not talking about anyone else,
and we're wrapping it up. We're done now.
- It's very condescending to go in the other room
and talk about me.
Like, we were just having a conversation.
You got up,
and now you're talking about e in the other room.
Like, it's very... Like, I'm sitting right here.
And then to say I don't care 'cause I'm speaking
how I feel about it, which you already knew how...
- We already heard about how you feel about it, Nicole,
nine fucking million times.
- We both feel different ways about it.
- It would be nice once for you to ask me
really why it means so much to me, Nicole.
- I know why it feels so much. - Really? You do?
- I know why.
- Oh, I'd love to hear your insight on it.
- 'Cause you feel like you need to go out to Las Vegas
and be with your family. You explained it to me.
That doesn't mean I have to be okay with it.
I'm not gonna pretend like I'm okay with it.
- Shut the fuck up. Remember when...
- Okay. - No, no.
I want you to listen to me,
and I want you to listen to me good, and I'm not kidding.
- I'm not gonna deal with that. - Listen to me.
- Not gonna deal with that. - No, you fucking listen to me.
You want to look at that little kid there...
- He's not a little kid. - He was.
He was the day that I remember that he had to hold the casket
while you two fucking walked in high as a kite
and raised a stink 'cause you thought
it would be fun to walk in on my mother's funeral...
- What is this right now? - That's what this is.
This is what this is all about.
- She died years ago. - I didn't do shit.
- I never... - He didn't do anything.
And I was asked to explain how I felt.
You're having a whole freak-out right now.
- You want to know why? My mother and my grandmother
died within four days of each other.
My daughter and my son are out using heroin,
and I'm afraid they're gonna die every few days.
This one is here. He's devastated.
And you guys are just thinking it's a joke.
It was hard.
And so I didn't say goodbye to my mom.
This whole time that I've been home...
I haven't been back to Vegas since...
I have been pretending like she's alive.
I listen to her... her messages on my phone,
and I pretend she's alive.
- That's nuts. - I know.
But I haven't been able to say...
Don't laugh. It's not... - I'm not laughing.
- You know, Nicole, I don't think you'll understand
until you don't have a mother.
I know that she was sick,
and I know that there was a lt with her wrong.
But I did talk to her... You're gonna laugh at me?
- I'm not laughing at you.
I just don't know how I'm supposed to feel right now.
I don't know how to feel right now.
- Well... - Like, I feel like
I'm supposed to be guilt-tripped into feeling bad...
- No, Nicole. Make no mistake.
- That's how I feel. - Make no mistake.
I know that I can't guilt-trip you into anything.
I learned that a long time ago, dear. I know I can't.
- Then why are you acting like this?
- Because I'm pissed that you sat here...
- Big explosion in my face. - Because you know why?
- Like, when all I did was...
- Can't you just have a little compassion at once towards me?
- I do have compassion towards you.
I always have compassion toward you.
- No. Nicole, I heard your story a million times
about why you're pissed that I'm going to Vegas.
I've heard it a million times. I really have.
I'm asking you to hear me.
♪
- My first drug of choice is, like, just getting away
from my existence, which was my home.
♪
This is normally my relapse time.
I mean, I never get this far.
I am very emotional.
I'm very vulnerable.
I'm really scared.
'Cause normally by this point, I've already fucked up
and I've already, like, relapsed
and I'm already back in the cycle
and I'm probably already, like,
going back to my insurance company,
going back to rehab, starting from ground zero.
My only option at this point is to move into Myra's,
which is a recovery house
about an hour and 20 minutes on public transportation.
It's hard to go other places.
I think, like, "Is it gonna be the place that I fuck up?
Is it gonna be the place that I die?"
♪
[Wind whistling]
[Cellphone rings]
- Hello? - Hey, Stephen.
- Hey, what's up, Mom? - How you doing?
- I'm doing good. Are you okay?
- Michelle from Womanspace passed away
from an overdose today.
- Michelle? - Yeah.
- What the fuck? That sucks.
- I know.
- Damn.
- Her mom found her hunched over the toilet just today.
Did you talk to Megan? - Mm-hmm.
- All right. You have the address?
- Mm-hmm.
- How you doing, Nicole?
- I just found out like less than an hour ago, so...
...not good.
I'm just kind of, like, in shock.
Every time I get a friend, they die, so...
[Sobbing]
- I think we should go... [Speaking indistinctly]
- All right. I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
[Indistinct conversation]
- I'm sorry, Nicole.
- No. Just looking back at the events, you know what I mean?
Like, when she was packing her shit for the second time
and going down in the office and being like,
"Uh, is anybody gonna do anything about this?"
And it's like, "Ugh!"
- Mm, I know.
All right. - All right. Bye.
- Love you. Bye. - Love you, too. Bye.
- I love you. - I love you, too.
I'm sorry. [Sniffs]
- I already told her that I'm with her.
I already told her that we're coming.
- All right, then.
The mom's just there? Like, nobody else is there?
- No.
- All right. I'll wait here. - All right.
- You know, at some point,
I don't want to be driving around in a car
and going to rehabs.
And, like, there's this part of you that's like, "Okay."
You hear people say, "Well, at least they're at peace."
But that's crap, and I know it.
Like, that's what you tell yourself to feel better.
♪
I would still rather be out here
in this car waiting for her in there
than be the one that gets visited by her friends.
I don't want that visit.
♪
She could make me feel bad
about going to Vegas and doing all that.
I usually back off and say, "I'm not gonna go,"
but it's so much easier for me to do that.
But I... But to go is showing her, like,
me pushing through my barriers and showing her how to live.
♪
- I'm really feeling like
I missed something with Stephen this week.
And that tends to happen with him
because he's always, like, you know, good.
And I feel like I didn't do my job.
And he always kind of slips through the cracks.
And now I have to go get G. She has to be picked up.
Her school closes in less than 15 minutes.
I think Nicole's mad at me
because I didn't want to get her tokens
because I feel like she could sell them.
And even though she says to me
it's insulting that I would even think that
because she had seven months, I wasn't doing it to insult her.
And again, it's, like... It seems like a simple thing,
but everything has to be thought about.
I can't just be careless.
Tell me what happened today.
- I close this, okay? - Okay.
- Make sure.
- All right. We'll go get our nails done.
Okay?
- This is fun. - I'm glad you like it.
- Can I close my eyes? - Sure. Go like this.
Ahh. It feels so good.
[Laughs]
We're going to Las Vegas tomorrow morning
for my nephew's wedding.
So it's the first time G's on a plane, right, G?
We're gonna go on a plane in the morning?
Yeah?
High five.
Giovanna, it's time to call Mommy
and pack some of your clothes.
- She needs a hug.
- Can I hug her?
- Just let me hug her.
- I could use a hug.
Can I get a hug from you?
Mm! Can I have a hug from G?
You got to give Daisy medicine? Is Daisy sick?
- Yeah. She got to get needles to her neck.
- Okay.
She doesn't have to get needles to her neck, G.
Just needles... You get needles in your arm.
- Needles in your arm, Daisy.
- Yeah.
The end.
[Gasps] Just in time, Mommy. [Cellphone chiming]
- [Speaks indistinctly]
- Hi!
- G, show Mommy your nails.
- [Gasps] What?
What?!
- Cookie Monster...
- Show her your toenails.
- No... way.
- Yes.
Don't say no.
- Who did your nails?
- Um... peoples.
- [Laughs]
Peoples at the salon.
- You went to the salon without me?
- I know, Nic. It wasn't... I want to go with you.
When we come back, we'll do it.
Show Mommy how we almost match.
- On my leg.
- Oh, my God! You're such a big girl!
- Thanks, Nic. I feel big.
[Both laugh]
Come here.
She did have a lot of fun. She was so good.
All right. Well, say good night to her, then.
'Cause I really want her to go to sleep.
- G, you have to go to sleep.
You're going to Las Vegas tomorrow!
♪
- ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
- ♪ Cha, cha, cha ♪
- ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ - ♪ How long have we been here? ♪
♪ Am I ever coming down? ♪
♪ I need to find some lower thinking ♪
♪ If I'm gonna stick around ♪
♪ I'm not going anywhere ♪
♪ Who do I think I'm kidding? ♪
♪ I'm still standing in the same place ♪
♪ Where you left me standing ♪
♪ I am easy ♪
♪ To find ♪
♪
- ♪ Towers to the skies ♪
- ♪ There's a million little battles ♪
♪ That I'm never gonna win anyway ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ I'm still waiting for you every night ♪
♪ with ticker tape, ticker tape ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
- I came into Nicole's life very late.
She was 18 when I married Linda.
In the past month, I can see a change in Nicole.
Normally, by this point in her recovery,
she's criticizing wherever she lives.
She's blaming everything on the people that work there.
She was basically setting the stage
of why she's about to fail.
And I don't see her doing that this time.
A few weeks ago, she was here,
and some girls from her house went out and overdosed.
And she did not want to go back to the house that night.
Before, she would have got back there as soon as she could
because there might be drugs there.
And that, for me, was a turning point in how I'm seeing her now.
I say at least this time there's a chance.
- Hello. - Hey. What's up?
- What's up?
- There's a series called "The Terror."
- Okay. - It's good. You would like it.
- Mom told me about it,
and I didn't want to watch it 'cause Mom said it was good.
And I think Mom's shows suck a lot of the times, but...
[Cellphone ringing] Oh, look at you, Lin.
- Hey! - Hey!
[Giovanna speaking indistinctly] - I'm on the phone, G.
I mean Nic. - Yeah, I'm Nic.
- I get confused.
- I can see that.
- Look at your daughter. [Laughs]
- She doesn't want to come in.
- She's on an airplane in the water.
- [Laughs]
Hi, G.
- Pop-Pop's doing the mini puzzle.
- Hi, Pop-Pop.
Me and Bryan are going to eat.
- Oh, at Mama Barbara's? - Yeah.
- Well, have fun. I love you.
- I love you, too. You'll call me later with G?
- I will. She's having a good time.
She was like... Earlier, it was like,
all the kids were out here, and she decided she was a cat.
So then she decides she's a cat,
she meows for 20 straight minutes,
and I want to, like, literally, shoot my brains out.
But now she's back to being G, so we're okay.
- Okay. Good. [Laughs]
- She'll just literally meow for 20 minutes.
- Yeah, I know. I've seen it firsthand.
It's wack. - All right. Have a good time.
- All right. I love you.
- Love you, too. Bye. - Bye.
Something tells me we didn't miss anything, Bryan.
- I'm glad I didn't go.
- Something tells me that we picked the long straws
in the situation.
- That's a good way to put it.
Yeah, your mom definitely drew the short straw.
- She definitely did.
Finding my place in my family is gonna be an ongoing process.
It's not gonna be something that just like,
"Oh, I'm here, like, you know, I have such and such time now.
You just trust me and expect that it's never gonna be
real shitty again, you know?"
I think that it's gonna be a forever thing
because I've done a lot of damage.
- It was good to spend time with my dad in Vegas,
but being at the house
was incredibly difficult without my mom.
I think she loved us underneath all the hell.
My mother was really sick,
so it caused the children to... to fight for attention.
As much as my ex-husband suffered,
I don't think that my kids would be the amazing people
they would be without him.
Thank you. - I got you a card.
- You got me a card? - Mm-hmm.
- It says, "Happy Mother's Day. You're a mom."
- See what I did there? Trickery.
See, first, you're a wonderful wife,
and then it says "You're an amazing mother."
But I switched it. So it says...
- Ahh.
- See? - Yeah.
- Look at me. I'm thoughtful.
- You are. It has jewels.
- So you know it's worth something.
Take it to a pawn shop later.
- I will. There's one up in Levittown.
Has Dan's brother's bow and arrow...
and Nicole's engagement ring five times.
Oh, we get to go away... - Yep.
- ...and do something? - Mm-hmm.
- Where are we going? I can't read it.
- Hyatt Regency on the Chesapeake.
- Oh, that... Oh, that's great.
This is awesome.
I love you.
♪
- Finding empowerment in the pain.
That's kind of what I learned this time around.
Seven months ago, I was completely broken,
homeless, helpless, I had nothing.
And if this is where only seven months will get me,
I can't even imagine
where another seven months will take me.
- G, are you excited? You're gonna see Mommy.
You gonna sleep over?
Want to give them to Mommy?
I got you Tide for your clothes.
- Thank you. Can you just... Here.
Because I have to bring all that stuff upstairs.
If it doesn't go in the fridge, my cabinet is upstairs.
- Okay, so this is not fridge.
I know it's overwhelming.
We just wanted to bring you stuff. I'm sorry.
- No, I appreciate it, Mom. Thank you.
- It's not that much.
- Hmm? - It's not that much.
- Are you serious? - Yeah, I am.
- Well, next time, you won't have to bring all this stuff,
like bringing her clothes and her pillow.
- Can I have a kiss? - Ooh.
- Love you. - Love you, too.
- Giovanna, can Mimi have a kiss? I'm gonna go now.
Can I have a kiss?
- No, I want to stay with Mommy.
- I know. Can I have a kiss?
- Give Mimi kiss. - Mimi's gonna go bye-byes.
- I not go bye-byes.
- You are not going bye-byes.
You're staying here with Mommy
in her new house with your new friends.
And Mimi and Papa Bryan are gonna go bye-bye.
- Okay. - Can I have a kiss?
I love you.
- The last time I spent a night alone with my daughter
was the night of my really, really bad overdose.
I was taken away in an ambulance and my daughter saw me
on the floor getting six Narcan shots.
It says "Giovanna."
- [Giggles]
- You do it this time.
Okay. Ready? Mommy's turn.
Ugh!
- I right back, okay, Mommy?
- Where are you going? No, you have to stay with Mommy.
It's not like Womanspace. You have to stay with me.
Hey!
Right there. Pick it up.
Let me see it.
Unh-unh-unh, we're sharing. We're sharing.
It's Aiden's turn.
When I get the time with my child,
it's always structured.
On Sunday, when I get to see her,
we have, like, a plan, but I get to be Mom today.
I get to just be authentic in how I mother.
- [Giggles]
- [Laughs]
Ahh.
I love you.
You cozy?
I love you.
"When I feel small in a world so big..."
"... I tell my wiggling body to be still."
Time to go down that slide, sister.
Giovanna!
You punked me again.
I didn't get any sleep last night
just 'cause I just couldn't stop staring at her.
I was, like, overwhelmed. I was...
I just wanted to take in as much as I could.
And I kept wanting to, like, put my arm around her.
♪
Ooh.
- Whee. This is [indistinct]
- You getting dizzy?
Other way?
Ooh.
It was really, really, really good,
like, to wake up with my daughter.
I mean, I still feel like it's, like, a controlled environment.
I don't feel like it's just her and I, but, I mean, it's...
I'm grateful for it.
It's just me transitioning into being a mother.
Go ahead.
[Laughing]
Oh! Look what you did.
Did you have fun sleeping at Mommy's last night?
Yeah?
You don't have to put your whole mouth around it, you know?
Yeah. Drink it like that, G.
There you go. That's better.
♪
[Dog barking in distance]
- Nicole. She left the comfort of her recovery house
to live on her own.
- Welcome to the room edition of "Cribs."
This is the new... the new spot.
I got my bed with my beautiful bedding.
The Keurig. I have a Keurig now.
What?!
All banged out on caffeine.
In December, I kind of felt like my world was really small,
like it was Womanspace
I just had to wake up every day
and stay sober... hopefully.
Now it's different.
Like, now I have a lot more people relying on me.
It is haunted in here.
I did see an apparition in here last night.
No bullshit. I was scared out of my mind.
And because I do have OCD,
everything is color-coordinated.
- And she got a full-time job,
and she's going to school to become a recovery specialist.
So that's a lot of things all at once.
- Makeup, crochet/beads, and my dirty clothes.
And then some stuff for G just in case.
My daughter...
the more time I spend with he, the more time she's realizing,
like Mommy's reliable.
The day sober I am.
And then just, like, bullshit that I think is,
like, fitting for the day.
And then my babies.
- What up?
You want to go shoot some hoops in a little bit?
- Yo, I was literally just gonna ask you.
- All right. Good shit. Let's do it.
- All right. Good shit.
- There you go.
Last game.
We're all nuts. - Yeah, true.
- But if you put our family next to, like,
the average American family,
they're like, "Dude, what the fuck?
Why did these people breed?"
You know it's true, too.
- I never knew her clean, in all honesty.
Ever since I was, like, a little kid.
I think I'm starting to realize that, like,
she's going through hard shit right now
as she's sober.
So I think that that's gonna help her stay sober
after the fact. - Yeah.
- I think you're gonna be good in massage school.
- Yeah. So do I. - Mm-hmm.
- I mean, dude, my hands are big as shit.
- Hmm. Yo! - It's gonna help.
- Hello. - Hey, I just dropped her off.
- Do we have to do this, like, right now?
It's so hot out.
- I don't know when else we'd be able to do it.
- I have something I need to do,
not ride around on a bus and a train this morning.
- I know. I asked you that before I canceled my day,
though, and you said okay. - No, you didn't! At all.
You just called me and told me that you canceled your day.
- Are you gonna be difficult with me all day, Nicole?
Because I'm not gonna fucking deal with it.
I really am not.
You either are gonna do the things that we're doing or not.
I'll go do something else then. I don't need to pick you up.
- Like, I also have a huge boot on my foot.
You know what I mean? Give me a break.
- Okay, I will. I'll go do my day then.
I'll just turn around. I'll go do my day.
'Cause I don't need your 12-year-old attitude.
I don't. I don't need it.
[Sighs]
- Morning. - Good morning.
Yeah, I know. It's bright. It's hot.
It's... We're in a heat wave.
We're all experiencing it. Not just you.
- Really? - Yeah.
[Horns honking]
I wanted to do a dry run with her for the job
because I didn't want Monday to come
and then her to be stressed out.
I want her to show up happy.
And I also don't want her calling me
in the middle of my day tomorrow in a panic.
We went to the stop.
There was no place to park.
You want to?
- No, I don't want to lean on your hand.
What the hell does that say?
- It says, "Please board at the other side of track 9 to 3."
We went to another stop that was near there.
There was construction going on.
It's down here.
- Sweet.
I don't have a lighter or matches
or anything like that in my purse, like, I'm...
- Do you have a lighter?
- You're rail workers. How do you not have a cigarette?
- I have an anxiety... - No, I'm good.
- Smell it.
- I need a goddamn cigarette so bad.
- Just smell it. - No, I don't want to smell that.
I need a cigarette.
- And then the train did come,
but the guy driving it gave us the wrong information.
That actually would have been the train
that we would have taken. - I don't know
what's happening right no. - That's why we're doing this,
because I don't want you Monday morning
to not know what the hell's going on.
- I don't need you to, though.
Like, can we get the fuck out of here?
- Was that not the one? - I don't know.
That's what he said. - What the fuck?
- If I was doing this by myself,
it wouldn't be this fucking difficult.
I ride public every day. - You want to leave? Let's go.
- You're so fucking ungrateful.
I'm trying my best to help yo. - Oh, with the ungrateful.
I know. I'm so ungrateful... - You're a bitch.
- 'cause I'm sitting in a fucking heat wave with a broken foot.
You're right. I'm a bitch. - No, it's not that.
It has nothing to do with that.
- Like, walking around like an asshole on a broken foot.
- Okay, you're right. I suck as a mother.
- What are you talking about? - Just leave me alone.
- What are you talking about? Can you not see
how this situation is absolutely insane?
- I'm doing my best. My best isn't good enough.
I'm so tired of this.
I should be living my life!
- My mom, she's conditioned to think that
she always has to fix stuff.
The idea for her of me
just, like, doing stuff by myself is so crazy.
Like, she doesn't know how to handle it.
- I feel like she can't see a lot of times
the energy that goes into helping her.
And then other times, I think she gets frustrated with me
because maybe she doesn't need
as much help as I think she needs.
♪
All right. - I got stuff in the truck.
- It's crazy how the simplest things
seem so complicated to me.
- Everybody has their own shit they can figure out.
Nicole... I had zero confidence
that she would still be doing this well over a year later.
- That's nice. - I put another one down.
About a month or two ago.
I saw the phone ring and it's Nicole.
I'm like, "Oh, God. What is it now?"
And she asked me some question about electric bill.
I hung up the phone. I said, "Linda.
That was the first time I got a normal phone call
from Nicole about a normal thing."
- It's like getting to that point where it's like
where the rubber meets the road.
It's scary figuring out how we're gonna, like,
manage our lives and what we're gonna do
and getting my own place
after a year living in recovery houses,
getting a job that I'm held accountable for,
taking the train to get there.
Where there's a will, there's a way.
- I'm not getting Nicole a tattoo.
The other reason is because she has a lot of things she needs.
She needs a winter coat. - Right.
- And we still have to get Stephen his earphones.
Never have I been in a spot
where I can say all three of the kids are in a space
that's good.
I mean, they have their issues.
There's challenges, but they're challenges
that aren't what they were a year ago.
Every day Nicole might not be here anymore.
Christopher was really struggling.
Why are you better at this thing?
- All you have to do is shake them.
And then they undo themselves.
- Oh, that's too hot, too.
He's like...
- We met at massage therapy school.
She's in the class under me.
You, like, awkwardly gave me your phone.
- Yeah, 'cause he wouldn't ask for my number,
and I was, like, waiting,
and I kept, like, giving him signs.
- I'm not good at the sign stuff. - No.
I should have held a sign that said, "Ask me out, please."
[Laughs]
Although he's been through so much,
he's still one of the most caring people that I know.
And, like, his heart is so big and he just cares about
his family and like... - Thanks.
- ...his friends. Yeah.
- I am fighting everything that I come from.
I want to be happy and positive in my life,
and I'm still getting there, obviously.
From who I was three years ago to now,
people can't even believe how much progress
I actually have made.
All right. Good stuff, man.
I don't think the Sixers are on tonight,
so maybe we'll run some "Fortnite" later or something?
- Yeah. - All right. Later, bro.
All right, bro. - Take care.
- I really thought that the cycle was gonna repeat itself.
Nicole was gonna relapse
and everything was gonna collapse again.
Wow.
I've never felt a connection to my family like this.
I'm so happy and grateful about that.
- Now you can incorporate
Christmas lights into your yoga class.
- I'm letting it go.
- About how untangling Christmas lights
is a metaphor for something in life.
- You know it's coming.
- I think we're getting to a point where, all of a sudden,
everything's gonna be free for us.
You know, all the kids are gonna be on their own.
Giovanna is gonna be with Nicole.
I think it's gonna come together all at once
or in a very short time span.
And we're gonna be like, "What the hell just happened?"
- I just found this at the bottom of my basket.
It was probably there from when I was packing.
A picture of G.
My poo-poos.
♪
I just, every day, make a decision
that I'm not gonna drink or use.
I'm trying to make a way so that girls can see
that other girls who are as low as them,
you can get there, too.
If I stay as grounded as humanly possible,
hopefully people can feel comfortable with me.
♪
Never give up.
I was a lost cause.
And the greatest people,
the strongest people rise out of nothing.
♪
- Yeah. There's no way they make the playoffs.
- You don't know that. Mathematically, it can happen.
- Hell, though, they've been losing every game.
They're trash. - It doesn't matter any of that
because crazy things happen all the time.
- Mom. - Look at your sister.
She's sitting here... - What the fuck?
- ...a wonderful member of society.
Going to work every day... - Some might say.
- ...helping people.
- I am, dude. What are you talking about?
- Collecting a paycheck and paying her rent.
Giovanna, are you hungry?
- No. - No?
- Last night, Nicole's bag was on the ground.
I said, "Nicole, is this yours?" - Bag of pills.
- Bag of pills that had Advil and B12.
- It wasn't anything I had to flush.
- I said, "Wow, Nicole.
You really downgraded in the past two years."
- I was on the phone with you.
I was like, "Oh, Bryan found my Xanies."
- I said, "Two years ago, you wouldn't have
held on to them long enough to keep them in a bag."
- Are we setting up the tree now? - Yeah.
- All right. Cool.
- Oh, look, Lin. What are you?
A hummingbird.
[Laughing]
♪
- Sometimes I feel guilty for things being this good
because other families are still struggling so much.
♪
For so long, we've been on overdrive, like, on survival,
on, "Hey, let's get through this holiday
without there being an overdose.
Let's get through this holiday
without somebody trying to commit suicide."
♪
We just have to keep showing up and doing the next right thing.
♪
It was a long road.
And it continues to be a long road.
♪
With Giovanna, we have a shot
of freeing her of generational addiction.
♪
- ♪ The circled path ♪
♪ Have we arrived? ♪
♪ Is it our time ♪
♪ To feel alive? ♪
♪ Will shadows fade? ♪
♪ Is dawn in sight? ♪
♪ Can't find the road ♪
♪ Though we see the light ♪
♪ And we're gonna run, run, run ♪
[Mid-tempo music plays]
♪
This story highlights one of the most pervasive issues
in our country... substance abuse...
and the ripple effects it can have on families
over generations.
Here with me to dig into the themes of the film
are "Euphoria" actress and comedian Nika King...
Hi. Thank you for having me.
...along with comedian and writer Moshe Kasher.
Thank you so much. I'm glad to be here.
Thanks for joining me.
What were your feelings upon watching the film?
I was automatically feeling for Nicole,
and I was rooting for her, even though, you know,
she had some moments and kind of questionable.
But I knew that the drugs was definitely a factor
in just her overall perspective.
And so, at the end of the movie,
I was happy to see, you know, her... her win.
Yeah, I felt like
these sorts of stories are so familiar,
both personally and just in society,
that I was expecting a tragic ending
the whole time. Mm-hmm.
I felt like bracing myself
for something horrifying to happen,
and I was, like, gratified at the end.
Moshe, you wrote about your experiences,
and in your book,
you detailed your struggles with addiction.
Would you be so kind as to tell us
about... about what you went through?
I was a teenage drug addict and derelict
and, you know, a general feral wild child.
And I went to rehab three times by the time I turned 16.
And, like, in some ways, my story is, like,
really intense and really hard-core.
But the more common story in addiction
is what Nicole went through,
which is, you know, a multi-decade struggle.
So, in some ways, like, I related to it a lot.
In some ways, I was really reminded
of how lucky I am.
Yes, so fortunate.
And... And we're... And we're glad to have you.
Nika, I wanted to ask you, you know,
did you draw from anything personal,
you know, in your role in "Euphoria"
as a teen addict's mom?
My experience as a young person was instability,
domestic violence, you know, constantly moving.
It definitely helped me create this character,
because I was able to use some of those same feelings
of hopelessness, you know, abandonment, just chaos.
I kind of went through it, but it was just in reverse.
At the beginning of the film, it feels as though
the addiction is so in the forefront
that it takes up so much real estate
that you're not even... you don't even know
what the... what the brother does.
Is that how it felt sometimes in your household, Moshe?
100%.
I would say that, like, this idea
that you are the only topic.
I was the guy that had caused
all of the problems in the family.
I was the center of everything,
and everything was pointed at me.
And then, when you get sober...
and I'm sure this is about to happen to Nicole's family...
once you get sober,
then everybody has to interrogate their own part
in... in what the dysfunction was,
that it was like, "It wasn't all me."
People make wrong decis... bad decisions,
and therefore, you know, get hooked on drugs.
Nobody grows up to say, "I want to be hooked on drugs
for a living." No.
That is so true. It's, like,
I think about that a lot, like, everybody
does drugs basically for the same reason, right?
There's psychological underpinnings under it.
You're trying to fill a hole that was left by, you know,
gaps in your family or self-esteem or whatever.
You pay attention to this day-to-day "How do I feel?"
And what you're not paying attention to
is this downward spiral.
Such a good point, Moshe, into what you're saying.
In the film, they said that, you know,
being sober is one thing, and that, you know,
once you're sober, it's almost as if, you know,
the tide goes out and you see the rocks.
There's a lot of debate and study
over whether addiction is a hereditary disorder,
if it's mostly a result of someone's environment...
right? or the widely accepted view
that it's kind of like a mix of both.
But what do you think causes or contributes to addiction
being a "family disease"?
Both of those things, definitely...
you know, environment, genetics, socioeconomic class.
I grew up, you know, in Liberty City,
which is, you know, the hood in Miami,
and it was very drug-infested.
And I think any person from a family of addicts
will probably have that in the forefront of their minds
to be conscious of it.
And they're either gonna go with it
or they're gonna go against it.
This thing really is systemic, and family.
Parents are so filled with the same disease
that they think their children are bringing to their house.
It's such a family disease.
The film also touches on socioeconomics and class
as they relate to addiction.
Now, I believe there was... there's a part
where the brother even talks to his sister, Nicole,
and says that like, "Listen, you know,
you've got all these opportunities
and you've got this kind of safety net
that other people that are dealing with addiction
don't have to deal with."
What did you make of that moment in the film?
Poor people are treated worse,
especially in marginalized and underserved communities.
They're stigmatized.
But, at the same time, I think, you know,
the roosters have come home to crow,
because now we see, you know, white suburbia,
you know, really being affected
by fentanyl overdoses and opioid overdoses.
And so we see that drugs, it doesn't matter
whether you're Black or White, rich or poor.
Like, it affects every person the same.
But, unfortunately, it's the person who is the addict,
if they're Black, they're going to be victimized
and they're going to be criminalized.
That's just the reality of it.
If you're a rich kid, you can go to 10 rehabs,
and your family can put you from place to place.
Is that a fun way to live? No.
You're still a drug addict. But if you're poor,
if your community doesn't have infrastructure
for... for... preventative care and stuff like that,
then there's... there's maybe one place to go.
It's an American story.
It's really an American thing.
It's as American as apple pie.
Let me ask this. For those who want to be helpful
to addicts who are struggling, who are in their lives,
what... what can they do to... to support them?
They have to want to help themselves.
And if you have a drug addict
or an alcoholic in your... in your life,
truly the best thing you can do is to work on yourself,
to get your own self healthy,
to be able to set actual appropriate boundaries.
As they say, protecting your own energy.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
I 100% agree, Moshe. That's 100% correct.
As an addict, you have to make up in your mind
that "I want to be clean."
And I think Nicole had decided,
and I think her daughter had a big reasoning
behind her wanting to be clean,
that she wanted to do things differently.
So, what do you hope is the takeaway
from watching something like "Our American Family"?
My hope is that people will understand
that family is really important,
and at the end of the day, life is going to happen
and there's going to be issues, there are going to be problems,
there are going to be things that you have to overcome.
If it's not addiction, it's something else.
It's always going to something you're going to be tackling,
but at least try to tackle it together as a family.
That's really nice.
I'll snap for that. [Laughs]
I got that from page 72 from Moshe's book.
[Laughter]
I think we can all agree that all wisdom
eventually trickles down from my book.
[Laughter]
"Wrap addicts with love and support"...
that doesn't mean, "Kill yourself while supporting them."
Drug addiction makes you feel hopeless.
But, truly... and it is often very hopeless,
but really there is always hope.
There's a saying in 12-step groups,
which is that your bottom is
where you choose to stop digging,
because you can always, always go lower.
And to what Nika said, you can always stop.
Today is always an opportunity to stop and to reset
and to get your... your life back.
Speaking of love... Speaking of love,
I loved this conversation.
I mean, y'all... Same.
We going on tour, baby.
We don't deserve this kind of convo.
I think so! [Laughter]
Nika, Moshe, conversations like these
are so important and so necessary,
and we thank you for your time and insights.
This was exciting. Thank you for having me.
It was truly a pleasure.
Films like "Our American Family"
provide inspiration and new perspectives
for not only those affected by substance abuse
but also for our society as a whole.
Thanks for watching "Can We Talk About This?"
Join us next time for another eye-opening film
and lively conversation.
I'm Jordan Carlos. Goodbye for now.
♪ Chasing the, sun, sun ♪
♪ Not sure we can fly ♪
♪ But we're gonna try ♪
♪ By chasing the sun ♪
♪ See the light again ♪
♪ Feel the sunshine ♪
♪ Then find the light on our face ♪
♪ Let the day begin ♪
♪ Standing skin to skin ♪
♪ We know the stakes ♪
♪
♪ So we're gonna run, run, run ♪
♪ Chasing the sun, sun, sun ♪
♪ Not sure we can fly ♪
♪ Though we're gonna try ♪