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-[camera clicking] -[man] Perfect. Beautiful.
[man 2 laughs]
-[man] Nice, guys. -["Not Tonight Santa" playing]
[laughs]
[photographer] Yeah, get in even closer, you on the left. Nice.
[indistinct chattering]
Yes, guys. Nice. Beautiful.
-Get in even closer this way. -♪ No Santa this morning ♪
-♪ I guess my note got through… ♪ -[photographer] Awesome.
Oh, I love it.
-This is so great! Really nice. -[photographer] Yeah.
Kyle, let's see a smile. [chuckles] All right. Good.
Adam?
Mm-hmm. Yeah?
Okay. Uh, hey, Peter? My clients are getting antsy.
Oh, it's a rough life for the Insta-gays.
-You've been on the set up for 45 minutes. -You know my boss.
Lachlan likes to have all the options in every possible angle.
Okay. Well, I'll just tell him he needs to trust you. Hey, Siri!
Whoa! Hey! No, no, no.
No. No. Don't do that.
Okay, now that you've shown your clients
that their big bad agent has done his job, please let me do mine.
Hey, I know we all wanna get to Josh and Phillip's party,
and I promise we will get there after we get the shots.
Thank you. Looks great.
-You going with Nick? -Yes, and also with my boyfriend.
[camera shutter clicking]
Boyfriend?
-Okay, how long? -Three months and 22 days.
[chuckles] Okay, let me just put that into
the Guinness Book of Peter Records. [chuckles]
-I hate you. -You love me.
-[sighs deeply] -♪ But I need Cupid more ♪
♪ Than all the presents That I think I'm due ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh You give me something I could never… ♪
Shoot went great. Yeah, got everything that we talked about.
Uh-huh, every shot on your list.
Yes, all the abs.
Hey, Lachlan, listen, uh, if I lose you, it's 'cause I'm going into a tunnel.
-[phone thuds] -[siren wailing in distance]
[exhales]
[clicks tongue] Ugh!
You looking a little sad today, Linda.
I think I know what this is about.
Just because I'm finally in a relationship
doesn't mean you're any less important to me.
[sighs deeply]
You saved me when Zack broke my heart, changed my life forever.
If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have any of my other plants.
Ow! Ow!
[scoffs] Judith!
Don't be jealous.
-I love you too. -[dog barks]
Come here. [chuckles] Hi, Emmett.
[laughs] Yes, good boy.
Ooh, hey, boys.
-Get ready for the party. -I'm tired.
Maybe you shouldn't have accepted so many TaskRabbits.
I don't accept TaskRabbits. I am the TaskRabbit.
I know how it works, Nick.
-Just get dressed. -You're going with your new man.
No, Tim can't come until later. I already told you this.
He has to be at the hospital until nine. None of this matters. You're coming.
-I don't have anything plaid. -Yes, you do because I knew you'd do this.
♪ La-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la-la ♪
-You officially know me too well. -♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪
I'm ordering the Uber.
-[party chattering] -♪ I hope you have a horrible Christmas ♪
-♪ I hope you have a nasty New Year… ♪ -Thank you so much.
-[man] Peter. -Oh, you guys!
Mwah. Mwah.
This is wow! You have really outdone yourselves this year.
Thank you. I did everything.
And by everything, he means micromanaging three event planners
and repeatedly threatening to sue them on Judge Judy.
[laughs]
-Oh, hi, Nick. -Hey!
-I got you a-- -Oh!
-So did I. -[both chuckle]
-[man] Wish I had a best friend like that. -You do. You have me.
-I don't see you bringing me drinks. -[scoffs]
-Bye, honey. -Bye.
-[exhales] -Well…
-Well, happy anniversary. -[chuckles]
To eight years.
Eight years of this party, but we've known each other nine.
Just took a year of social climbing to get the invite.
-I think you did most of the climbing. -I did. Thank you!
Ho-ho-hoes. Hey!
-Hey. -Hi, Adam.
[Peter] Wow, look at all this plaid perfection!
I'm glad we all made it. I know it was a long day…
Oh, babe, stop. I mean, it's not like you didn't pay us $15,000.
You got 15? Why didn't I get 15?
Oh, Max, baby, sweetie, honey, you know that Kyle was the original.
-And, uh-- -Ugh!
Oh.
Don't worry. She'll get over it. [inhales sharply] So, where's the guy?
[inhales] He's still at the hospital. He'll be here soon.
Oh my God! What happened?
-No, he works at a hospital. -Oh!
-He's a cardiologist. -[Adam] Oh.
He's, uh… right there.
What do I have to do to be cardiac arrested?
♪ Dashing through the snow… ♪
[man] Do you want one with you in it?
-No, it's for my plant account. -Oh.
I keep my plant Instagram and my personal Instagram separate.
Plants aren't my real job, so…
Well, I love how much you love plants.
I love how much you love hearts.
[chuckles] It's kinda my job to love hearts.
Well, hopefully someday it'll be my job to love plants.
I wish we were spending Christmas together.
So do I.
-I'm excited to go home, though. -Yeah?
Yeah. Christmas is always a big deal for my family.
And this year will be even better 'cause I won't be the single one.
-Who's gonna be the single one? -No. I mean, I'm always the single one.
Every year, it's like I'm this problem they all have to solve.
They can't understand why I haven't been in a relationship
more than a few months--
-Problem solved. -[chuckles]
Come home with me.
-Seriously? -Yeah.
You said you have a bunch of time off.
So… [chuckles]
…come to New Hampshire, meet my family. They'll love you.
I… would love to come home with you.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
Okay, good.
Let's deck the halls together.
-[chuckling] -[phone vibrates, chimes]
[whispering] I'm sorry. One second.
Oh, crap. The hospital needs me. I'm so sorry.
-No, it's okay. It's a sign. -[exhales]
It's meant to be. Go.
[chuckles] Go make more doctor money to pay for your plane ticket.
-[laughs] -[joyful Christmas music playing]
-[man over phone] Peter? -Hi, Dad.
Yes. Yes, it's me, since it said "Peter" on your screen when the phone rang,
and also you're looking at my face.
-I have you under "probably wants money." -I haven't asked you for money in years.
Why is that still my name on your phone?
Well, I wanted to change it to "the single one," but, uh--
[laughs ironically] Good one, Dad.
Anyway, I'm not calling about what to get you.
-I'm calling about what to get Mom. -Wine glasses. She broke two last night.
Two?
How?
Wine.
-Hi, Mom! -Hi, honey. Oh, I can't wait to see you.
I can't wait to see you too. Hey, what should I get for Dad?
-Nothing. He doesn't need anything. -[chuckles]
Honey, I think he's becoming one of those hoarders.
I swear. He won't throw anything out.
[gasps] I know.
Oh, get him one of those things. You know, those dumpster things.
What's that called?
Dumpster. It's a dumpster.
Yes! Get him one of those.
Well, you know what Mom and Lisa would love?
-What? -Gift sets from my new makeup line.
[gasps] What new makeup line?
It's organic. It's like all from the farm, which is what I'm calling it.
"Farm On My Face."
Oh, that sounds, um… I love it!
I want a Rolex. It doesn't have to be real.
Okay.
-Unless you want it to be. -[laughs]
No, but seriously, don't get me anything. Just bring you. I miss your stupid face.
I miss your stupid face.
But I'm not just bringing me,
I'm also bringing a surprise.
[squeals] Is it a person?
Maybe. Maybe not.
-Oh, so you are getting me a Rolex. -[chuckles]
[woman] We had a guy who did our lights for years, Carl,
and I've been calling him for days with no answer,
until just this morning, his wife finally picked up
and told me he died,
hanging Christmas lights.
He fell on someone's roof and broke his neck.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Thank God I found you.
I had no idea TaskRabbits did Christmas lights.
Oh, they should call you TaskElves during the holidays.
If it's okay, I'm gonna focus on this. You know, so I don't fall off your roof.
Oh, here's my husband.
-We'll leave you alone. -[car door opens]
-[husband] Is that Carl? -No. He's with TaskRabbit. Carl died.
But this guy is great. This is the fourth house he's done this week.
Oh, looks great.
[sad music plays]
[Peter] No! You're married!
You're a liar and a cheater.
You've been lying to me for almost four months,
and to your wife for however many years,
and to yourself for--
No. You know what? I'm not gonna judge whatever journey you're on.
I-- It's not what I'm looking for,
and I hope that you never do it to anybody else ever again. [inhales]
-[phone clatters] -[Peter exhales]
-I didn't wanna tell you, but… -[smacks lips] You had to.
[sighs deeply]
-[emotional music playing] -Well, Linda, here we are again.
You know you're a Chinese money plant, right?
You're supposed to bring me luck.
[exhales]
[music continues]
[exhales]
Hey. How long are you going home for?
Ten days.
So maybe you don't need that tower of sweaters?
[exhales] Maybe I'll just stay there and never come back.
Mm, because Bridgewater, New Hampshire, population 36,
has a huge buffet of single gay men.
The all-you-can-eat buffet in Los Angeles has served me nothing but 7 heartbreaks,
a mountain of therapy debt, and a chipped tooth.
Chipped tooth was your fault.
I was running away from the guy that faked that he had cancer.
Maybe it's not L.A. Maybe you choose the wrong guys.
Fine! I'll date no one,
but I'll be close to my family, I'll open my plant store,
I'll be a guncle, and a plant lady forever.
[exhales] Actually sounds perfect.
And plants don't cheat. [scoffs] I think you should come home with me.
We can pretend we fell in love after all these years.
[laughs]
Wait, hold on.
Hold up. Hold up. Actually, that's good. Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait. Wait, wait.
-Oh, you're funny. -It would solve everything.
I can temporarily bury the pain of my pathetic love life,
while also showing my family that I'm not a mental case
who has no ability to be in a relationship.
-By lying to them the whole time. -Yes!
It'll be so easy.
My family already asks why we're not just together.
Oh, all straight people ask that about gay friends.
I mean, besides I stocked up for my first holiday staycation.
Your first solo holiday staycation.
I love a solo holiday staycation.
You've never done a solo holiday staycation.
You've always had a boyfriend. Come on.
-Hmm. -Come home with me.
You don't wanna spend Christmas all by yourself.
I won't be by myself. I have Emmett, and an endless stream of TaskRabbit jobs,
which is all about helping people, which brings me joy.
And if that isn't the Christmas spirit, I don't know what is.
Nick, I don't want you to be here all by yourself,
reminiscing about the great Christmases you had with your mom as a kid.
I know she'll always be in your heart, but…
you shouldn't be alone with those feelings at Christmas.
[exhales]
You want me to buy a plane ticket leaving tomorrow?
I mean, do you know how expensive that'll be?
Nick!
-[scoffs] -You have Saving Emmett money.
[groans]
Yes, thank you!
And you'll have even more money when you finish writing the sequel,
which you really have to start before you can finish.
Well, what if it's not as good as the first one?
-Nick, it's a children's book about a dog. -[groans]
Sorry, Emmett. [chuckles] I didn't mean it like that.
It's a lot to live up to. You wrote such a good book.
Because you… [inhales sharply] …are such a good writer.
So good, that the first book you wrote became a bestseller,
and now you have all this money
that you're saving for a rainy day and… [gasps]
…look…
it's pouring.
-All right. -[gasps] Thank you! Thank you, thank you.
-But we're not doing the boyfriend thing. -Yeah, we are. [chuckles]
It's the greatest present I could possibly give my parents.
["Happy Holiday/The Holiday Season" plays]
[exhales]
Change of plans, buddy.
You get to spend Christmas at the doggy hotel.
♪ Happy holiday ♪
♪ While the merry bells… ♪
It needs to be a moment in front of the whole family.
I wanna see everyone's face when we tell them.
And when will that be?
Everyone's coming over for dinner tonight. I think we do it then.
-How much does your mom know? -Nothing yet.
-[Nick] You didn't tell her I'm coming? -She knows that. She's very excited.
[Nick] She didn't ask why I'm randomly coming at the last minute?
[Peter] What? No! No.
You're family. You don't need a reason.
[horn honking]
[Nick] Oh my God!
Do you think she Googled "funny, gay Christmas signs?"
Yes, and then she made that in her crafting room.
-[laughs] What, Sleigh Queen Carole? -You have to call her Christmas Carole.
She insists on being called Christmas Carole for all of December.
How did I not know your mom had a holiday-specific drag name?
Because you've never been here for Christmas before.
[chuckles]
[Peter] Mom?
-[car door shuts] -[giggling] Mom! Mom!
[Carole] My baby! Oh!
[Peter chuckles]
-[Carole] Oh, I missed you so much. -[groans]
-Welcome home, handsome. -Aw…
Christmas Carole?
-Saint Nick. -[laughing]
I'm so happy right now. Do you love my antlers?
-So much! -[Nick laughs]
-Your dad said they were corny. -What?
Ah, he's corny.
-They're supposed to be corny. -Good corny.
Exactly!
You know what, he can freeze his ears off, but we don't have to because…
-Oh. -You get a pair and you get a pair.
And you get a pair and you-- Who am I?
-Oprah. -Oprah.
Oh, right, yeah. Of course, you guys knew that.
-Come on! -We'll get our bags. We'll get our bags.
So, Peter, my love, you told Lisa that you were bringing home a surprise,
and we thought maybe you were bringing a boyfriend.
But thank God you didn't, 'cause you would have totally ruined it.
-Ruined what? -Hmm…
I think Carole has something up her sleeve.
-Christmas Carole. -Thank you.
[smacks lips] Well, my early Christmas present for you is…
a blind date.
-[whimpers] -His name is James.
He's really cute. He's about your age. I really think you're gonna like him.
No! No, I'm not going on a--
You're not going anywhere until I get a proper hug.
[chuckling] Hi, Dad.
-Oh, I'm glad you're home, son. -[Peter] Aw.
-Nicholas, it's always good to see you. -[chuckling] You too, Harold.
Okay, you can go. Where are you going?
-He's going on a blind date. -No, I'm not.
-Yes, he is. -[Peter] No. No, he's not.
How is there even a single, "single" gay man in this town?
-Why wouldn't there be? You two are here. -But why is he here?
That’s a great question for you to ask on your first date!
[chuckles]
I love it.
-[Carole] He loves it. -You’re going.
-Nick!
I just wanted to say,
thank you, for allowing me to do a last-minute Christmas crash. It--
[Harold] Are you kidding? I’m thrilled!
But you're gonna have to excuse me because we have a leaky pipe in the basement,
and I can’t seem to fix it, so I'm just gonna have to call a plumber.
Well, why don't you let me try and fix it?
No… No, are you sure?
Oh gosh, I hadn’t thought of that. Of course, I thought of that,
but Carole said I shouldn't ask you because you're our guest.
A guest.
But I hate this plumber.
He overcharges, and he smells like roast beef.
So, screw him!
We've got our own Handy Bunny right here!
-[titters] -[chuckles]
TaskRabbit, Dad. TaskRabbit. He’s a Tasker.
-Rabbit? -[Peter] Yep.
And I’m a little bit offended. How come you didn’t ask me to fix your pipe?
-Uh-huh. -[Carole] Oh well…
-[Peter] Okay. -Sweetie. [chuckles]
[scoffs] Okay, I didn't wanna fix your stupid pipe anyway. Go. Go.
-Go help him. -[Harold] Come on, let's go.
Honey, you’re very talented. You're good at so many things--
Oh, like, like fixing my poinsettias.
Oh, look how sad they are.
-[scoffs] -What?
[Peter] Oh…
Go ahead. I'm sure you'll do your magic.
I'll try, but only if you drop this whole blind-date thing.
No, Peter, come on.
[chuckling] I don't even live here.
I know it, but wouldn’t it be great if you did?
Okay, so that’s what this is about.
It would be a bonus.
We only get to see your face once or twice a year.
Yes, which is exactly why I’m here, to spend time with my family.
Well, and your family really wants you to have a relationship.
I'm just saying.
[chuckling] Yes, I know! That’s very clear!
-Why do you avoid love? -Okay, stop. I don't… I'm not…
I'm not avoiding love.
I'm just avoiding getting set up on a blind date by…
-Your mother? -[chuckling] Right.
What's w-- [gasps] You don't trust me?
Not with this, no.
Just because you happen to meet a gay guy, doesn’t mean
you have to set me up with them.
It doesn't mean that we'd be… You know…
You’ve told me that millions of times when I've asked why you weren’t with Nick,
but I understand much better now.
I'm reading this great book. It's called Loving Your LGBTT Child.
[chuckles] I think you mean LGBTQ.
Yeah. Whatever. Do I? Yeah. Sure, that's it! Yes!
And it's great.
It talks all about gay friendships, and it says, just what you said,
"Much like a man and a woman don't have to have a romantic relationship,
a man and man don't have to."
-Exactly. -Mm.
But you never know! [clicks tongue]
You know, it's not every day that you meet a gay handyman.
How did you learn how to do all this stuff?
[grunts, sighs]
On YouTube and HGTV.
Oh. What is that? A Homosexual Gay network?
[chuckles] Basically.
Oh. I'll check it out. HGTV.
It's not porn, is it?
Kind of.
But, honey, I really do think this James guy is great.
He’s a new trainer at my gym.
And he came in, all the girls went crazy for him.
And then, of course, he told us he was gay. [chuckles]
Audrey was devastated, but I thought, "Gay? I know gay."
And so, I told him all about you, I did, and I showed him your picture,
and he thought you were really cute, and he would love to meet you.
[sighs deeply]
Show me his picture.
-Really? Okay. -Yeah.
Wait. Wait, how-- Where would I find a picture?
I don't have a picture of him.
You don't have a picture? You showed him my picture.
Well, I know, because I have a hundred pictures of you in my phone.
I don't have any pictures of him.
I just met-- That would be weird. That's creepy.
-[chuckles] -Oh, maybe he's on Facebook.
Honey, how do I do it? How do I get into Facebook again?
-Oh my God, Mom. -Oh wait, there it is. Okay.
Oh, look at that, sweetheart. [chuckles]
Look, it's a canary and a German Shepherd, and they're besties.
-Look! They're doing the Macarena. -[Peter] Wow.
I can't believe Christmas Carole took down all your Britney posters.
I can’t believe you ended our relationship without consulting me.
Our relationship hadn’t officially started, so--
[Peter] Yes, it had!
In our agreed-upon fictional backstory, it absolutely had.
And then you went and endorsed the idea of me going on a blind date,
as if we were looking for a third.
It’s one date.
Exactly.
It's one date.
One date is not the same thing as a relationship.
And a blind date has almost zero chance of working out,
and I’ll still be single, and it'll somehow all be my fault,
and it's all anybody will talk about for the entire vacation.
[Peter sighs]
Do you know how excited I was to bring Tim home to meet my family?
Yes.
I’m sorry.
But look at it this way,
at least you don’t have to call your mom in a month and explain to her
that the guy that you brought home for Christmas is, oops, married,
to a woman, with kids.
And now I don’t have to lie to your family for ten days straight.
-You are the worst fake boyfriend. -[door closes downstairs]
[Lisa] Don't get too excited! It's just me, your favorite sister.
Where are you? Get down here. I need to see your stupid face.
-[chuckling] Hey. -[squealing]
-Oh… -[chuckles]
[vocalizing]
-Bop! -[laughs]
-[Peter] Aw… [squealing] Uncle Peter.
Hi.
You know what?
I got one of those memory things on my phone the other day
from that night that you guys took me out in West Hollywood
and made me get on that bar with all those shirtless cowboys.
"Made" you. Mm…
-Mom! -Mom!
What?
[whining] Am I not allowed to have a good time?
I never get out.
-[scoffs] Lisa, we literally own a bar. -We own a pub, Tony.
-It's not the same thing. [chuckles] -[Tony groans]
[Carole] Leese, I need help with the chicken!
[chuckles] Hi.
-[girl] Hi, Nick. -Aw…
Bring it in. It's so good to see you. Merry Christmas.
-Both of you. -[Nick chuckles]
-Hi. -They were gay shirtless cowboys, right?
-[Carole] Tony! -Very.
-Super gay. -[Carole] Tony, you need to come help me…
Coming, Carole!
Oh! Hi!
-[squeals, laughs] -Hi! [gasps]
Hi!
Sam, Simon, you both got nine feet taller than the last time I saw you.
Boys look who else is here! Do you remember Nick?
Nick is your Uncle Peter’s roommate,
but he also wrote your favorite book
that we used to read every night before bed.
-Saving Emmett? -Yes, Saving Emmett!
Is Emmett your real dog?
-Yes, he is. -So where is he?
He wanted to come, but he’s afraid of flying
so he’s home in California, but he’s very happy
because he’s with all his doggie friends at the hotel.
But what if he thinks you left him forever
like the first people did before you saved him?
-Okay. Come on, let's say hi to Grandma. -[whispering] He's so big.
-So, how was the trip? -It was great! Merry Christmas.
You kids don’t realize how good you have it.
The first time Aunt Sandy directed the pageant,
it was totally bonkers.
Okay, Mom, we've heard the story a million times.
Yeah, okay, well, Nick hasn’t.
So you don’t have to listen, and you can just sit there.
Anyhoo…
-[all chuckle] -Aunt Sandy had just moved back here
from New York City, where she had an acting career.
Well, "career" is generous, but no, no, go ahead. Go ahead.
-She was in a Broadway show. -It was Off-Broadway.
It was Little Shop of Horrors, right? She was Audrey.
She was the understudy to Audrey.
Oh my God, Grandma, I love you.
I cannot tell a lie.
So anyways,
Aunt Sandy made me, and Uncle Peter and Aunt Ashleigh be in the pageant,
just like she’s making you kids do, except our script,
Aunt Sandy wrote herself.
It took place backstage at the pageant.
It was like a play within a play.
So, all four of you kids are in the pageant?
But we need to get out of it.
-[woman singing] ♪ Joy to the world ♪ -[gasping]
-♪ The Lord is come ♪ -[indistinct chattering]
♪ Let earth receive her King ♪
-Oh my gosh! -[mouthing]
I'm so sorry, everybody, I'm so sorry, I'm late!
I was going over tomorrow’s rehearsal schedule and…
and all of sudden I got terribly distracted because
out of nowhere Whitney Houston’s version of "Joy to the World" came on
and that's-- It's the greatest version ever.
I love that version. You bring dessert?
And then I just started singing along, then all of a sudden, I thought,
"Oh my God, Sandy, you're having an epiphany."
"'Joy to the World' needs to be in your show!"
Well, yes.
Because it's so spectacular. It's got everything in it.
It's got the King, the Savior, the Glory, and the Born.
The Born.
I've got so much to do before this show, but I… I had to come here because
you're my first Joseph.
-I love you, I really do. I do. -I love you too.
Oh my, my, my.
Well, well…
What a handsome new boyfriend.
No. No. [chuckles]
Uh, no, this is my handsome roommate and oldest friend Nick.
Hi.
But he might have a boyfriend tomorrow!
-Mom, Mom, can we not do this right now? -What? What? What's tomorrow?
Well, he’s going on a date.
Wha--
-Like, from Grindr? -No.
Oh my God.
No, like from Mom.
What?
Well, I'm sorry. I didn't want to tell everybody.
I thought you'd ruin it. He might not get on the plane.
-[screams] Oh my God! -Okay. Wow.
Okay. Thank you.
Hey, congratulations.
-Yay! -Okay. Okay. [chuckles]
-Thank you all. Thank you so much! -I'm sorry.
-I think they should be together. -Yes, same.
-Let's discuss that later. -[chattering]
Okay, can we please stop clapping for the relationship you've decided I'm in
with the person that I have not even met yet.
Okay, you're all gonna jinx it!
So, who wants to see my new Christmas tree?
[giggling]
Oh…
-[Carole] What? -[Peter] No…
Mom, a fake white tree?
Yes, I love it.
I mean, you all can want, like, a real tree,
but I’m the one who has to clean up the needles.
I love it. Nick loves it, don’t you-- Nick, don't you love it?
It-- Yes!
-[Carole] See? -[scoffs]
Well… [scoffs] …where are all the family ornaments?
She probably gave them away with Sam and Simon's toys
I did not.
I think it is so cool and so modern.
And you know what?
These gorgeous stars came with the trees,
I love them.
I do too.
Give.
[gasps] Oh…
You're such a thief. [scoffs]
-[continuous rapid knocking] -[gasps]
Stop!
[Peter grunts]
-[Nick] Time to get up. -Thanks, Alexa, but I didn’t set an alarm.
Your mom promised to kill me
if I didn’t wake you in time for your date.
It's not until one o'clock, after her spin class.
Yeah, she’s at the class. It’s noon. You have jet lag.
Well… [scoffs]
How come you're so perky?
Well, so much coffee. [chuckles]
I noticed your dad only finished doing the lights on the bottom half of the house
so I wanted to get up and finish it for him.
You don't have to impress my family.
I know I don’t, but I wanted to do it. And I’m good at it.
And I’m having fun.
But not as much fun as you’re about to have on this blind date.
Okay. Thank you.
Okay. Well, get dressed and get cute.
You're such a pusher.
-Don that gay apparel. -Shut up.
[exhales]
[upbeat music playing]
-No, no. No! -[message alerts beeping]
[gym instructor speaks indistinctly]
-I hate you so much. -[message alerts beeping]
It… it flames, flames, on the side of my face…
[gym instructor] Good.
-[applauding] -[Peter] Well… Okay.
Oh! [chuckles]
[indistinct chattering]
I don't think he's really gay. There's no way.
[gasps] You came.
You woke up.
Yes, hi. Yes, I woke up.
[techno music playing, intensifying]
So, this is James who I told you about,
and this is my perfect son, Peter, who I told you about, obviously.
So, yeah… [chuckles] He's an Aquarius, so…
So, what happens now?
-Great to meet you. -You too.
I, uh, was thinking we could grab a cup of coffee.
We don’t have Starbucks here,
but there’s this cute little place owned by Mrs. Claus,
and she makes a mean peppermint latte.
Oh, well, it’s about time Mrs. Claus branched out on her own.
[all chuckle]
Isn't he funny? He's funny too. Very, very smart.
Yeah. And so handsome.
[James] Your mom is the best. Talks about you all the time.
-I’m sure she does. I'm sorry about that. -No, no, it's all good things.
You probably thought you were going on a date with the hottest, smartest,
funniest, coolest, most interesting person who was ever born.
Maybe I am.
-Oh! -Mm.
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
No, I think that was my fault.
And now you know I'm not the coolest, so we got that out of the way.
[clears throat] So, um, why are you living in this town?
-Uh, oh, uh-- -Sorry, that sounded…
No! No, that's a fair question.
Last year I got a job as a ski instructor at Eagle Hill.
Oh, I used to ski Eagle Hill all the time growing up.
I was teaching there last season and loved it, because, you know, free skiing.
But I was shuttling back and forth to Boston weekly for my regular gym job,
and that got old real fast.
So this year I decided to move up for the season.
Found a sublet, got the job at the spinning studio, and I ski a lot more.
Wow. A ski instructor and trainer of moms in a wintry Christmas village.
I love it up here.
But what about…
-Ah, yeah, the, uh… -[scoffs]
…gay dating app radius is kind of a joke,
especially when it snows.
-It snows all the time. -All the time.
And magically here you are.
Here I am.
-[coughs] -Oh! Oh!
-Let me… Let me get you a clean one. -Oh, thank you.
[Peter clears throat]
Real Christmas trees.
Hmm.
-Flip it around. -[James] Yeah.
-Are you okay? -Yeah, I got it.
Getting these branches here.
-Okay. That's fine. -Yeah.
-Did we do it? -I think we did.
Except you won’t be able to drive.
[chuckles] Can’t we just pull it back towards us?
-Yeah, sure. -Okay.
[Peter grunts]
-Oh! Okay. -Yeah.
-[chuckles]
-Hey! -Okay.
-[sighs] -[chuckles]
Well, should we ask Mrs. Claus?
Ah, she's busy, and you did tell me you know what you're doing.
-I said that to impress you. -[both laugh]
[message alert bleeps]
You got me a down vest.
Merry Christmas.
Thank you.
Aren’t y’all breaking the rules?
I thought the whole point of this was to keep presents a secret.
Rules are meant to be broken, especially when it comes to insane rules
that make zero sense. [chuckles]
Why are we all in separate rooms
wrapping our gifts at the same time at our mother's house?
Because that's what we did when we were kids.
[chuckles] But now we’re grown-ups with our own houses,
so you’re wondering,
"Why do they still have to wrap them here?"
Great question, Nick.
And the non-answer answer to that is because
this is the "Annual Harrison Family Secret Wrapping Party,"
courtesy of Christmas Carole.
-[clears throat] -Do we need wine?
-Yes, wine. -We definitely do.
Oh, Nick! Nick!
Could you find out what my mother is getting me?
And if it’s another one of her stupid signs,
tell her I'd like cash instead.
[Tony chuckles]
-Okay. -Okay.
-Hey, Christmas Carole-- -[gasps]
Oh, I think I just peed a little bit.
Oh! [chuckles]
I thought you were Peter. I’m wrapping his gift!
-Can I see what you’re giving him? -Yeah, you promise not to tell?
Ta-da!
"Bloom where you are planted." [chuckles]
-[chuckling] -Oh, I love that.
I know! I love it too.
Oh, do you wanna see the one I made for Lisa?
-Yes. -Ready?
You know, she actually, um…
-What, honey? -She sent me to get wine.
Oh, uh, we're out. I'll go get more.
[Nick] I got you. I just need your car.
[Peter] Well, I think we did it. Can I give you a ride home?
-You think I’m getting in that death trap? -[laughs]
I live a block away. I can walk.
But, uh…
I had fun.
So did I.
Yeah.
Bye.
Bye. Careful.
-Oh! -It's icy.
Sh-- Mm.
-[bottles clink] -Oh!
-Oh!
-Hi. -Hi.
Uh-oh. Is my family already driving you that crazy?
Not at all. We’re having a blast.
We ran out of wine midway through your nutty present-wrapping thing.
For which wine is definitely required.
And you? Was the date that bad?
No. No, uh, I just thought that if I showed up with wine for my mom
it'd soften the blow of the real Christmas tree I’m also showing up with.
-You got a Christmas tree on your date? -On the second half of the date.
On the second half of your date?
-That sounds promising. -It’s not promising.
-It's not promising? -It’s not, not promising. Shut up!
Well, if you didn’t like him, you'd be telling me right now.
-But we both know I like the wrong guys. -So you do like him.
[chuckling] I didn’t
have a bad time.
-Why are you being weird? -I’m not being weird. You're being weird.
I just-- [chuckles]
I didn't think that this is what I'd be doing this week.
Yeah, neither did I.
And as your fake boyfriend,
I’m not sure how I feel about you going on dates with other people.
You asked for it!
Well, Christmas Carole will be very excited.
-Perfect. -[gasps]
Shh! I got a new Christmas tree.
-Yay! -[Peter] Shh!
Nick’s gonna ask dad if we still have the old Christmas tree stand.
Tony, I need your muscles. Got a big tree to move.
Leese, distract mom until we can make the switch.
Mom, I hope you’re sitting down. I have the craziest story to tell you.
Remember in grade seven when Troy M. farted on me?
[indistinct chattering]
[Harold] Yeah, it is.
What's going on?
[screaming]
I had to pee! Sorry.
What is happening?
[Peter] This is all me.
I think that Christmas trees should smell like Christmas trees
and be, you know, green.
I'll take care of everything, change the water, clean up the needles,
and you should know that I got the tree on my date with James,
and the date went well.
And… And actually, James picked the tree out himself.
Oh! [gasps]
Oh, I'm so happy! That is so great!
I can't tell you how happy that makes me!
I think you’re making that pretty clear.
[gasps] And then maybe… maybe you’ll move home!
[cheering]
All right. Okay. It was one date.
[phone vibrates]
What? It's a text.
Uh, maybe it's him.
It could be anyone. It's probably work.
-[phone vibrates] -[whispering] Pick it up.
-Well, check. -[scoffs]
All right.
James wants to know if I wanna go skiing tomorrow.
[Tony] All right! Yeah.
-[Carole and Lisa squealing] -[Peter] Okay, okay. All right.
How about we let them celebrate
and you and I will take this fake tree to the garage, huh?
Yeah. Sure. Let's do it.
[clears throat]
So, what do you think of this whole blind-date thing?
[scoffs] If Peter's happy, I'm happy.
Hmm. [exhales]
I always thought that you and Peter should be together.
[chuckles] I think you're angling for a full-time handyman.
-Well, I wouldn't mind. -[cupboard door closes]
But, no.
You were the first person Peter introduced us to that meant anything to him.
You're the only one.
And over the years, I can see that he's happiest when he's with you.
But you've never seen him with any of his boyfriends.
No, I haven't.
Probably because none of them ever lasted that long.
You lasted.
Well, I'm his best friend.
Well, my wife is my best friend in the whole world. So?
We agree with Grandpa. We think you and Peter should be together.
[emotional music playing]
[groans]
Oh! [scoffs]
[scoffs] I can't wear this.
-Bro. -Exactly. [chuckles]
From when you went skiing with your girlfriend in high school?
Last time I wore this, I was… [inhales sharply] …17 years old.
So, yes, it's a sign. I'm not going.
I don't need to leave you alone again all day with my family, anyway.
Why not? I love being with your family.
I told your sister I'd take all the kids to the pageant rehearsal.
[chuckles] You did?
I love my family too, and you've spent more time with them than I have.
You'll have plenty of time with them.
Plus, you like this guy. Plus, you already said yes.
I'm not opposed to ghosting.
I know. Maybe that's part of your problem.
Maybe you're part of my problem.
You know what, I actually dig the outfit.
It's a good story.
If he doesn't like you because of a throwback fashion moment,
then he isn't for you anyway.
And, you don't have to go out with him again.
Well…
-See? -[exhales]
[bells chiming]
"Mary worried what the angel meant by the greeting."
"Seeing she was scared, the angel said…"
"Don't be afraid, Mary. God is--"
Wait. Wait.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
I don't know what you're doing here, but I need to see you scared.
And see, that way, he can see your fear and then his line works.
Aunt Sandy, I don't know what to do. So, why don't you just show me? [chuckles]
[screams]
[gasps]
[indistinct chattering]
Try that. All right, now take note.
-[exhales] -Can you believe this insanity?
Looks like Aunt Sandy needs some help.
No one's listening!
Listen!
I didn't wanna mention punishment,
but I'm telling you, I can be really scary.
-Can you write me a doctor's note? -[indistinct chattering]
I'm not a doctor.
So? You just have to write the note,
and you and I can go rescue Peter from his date.
How do you know he wants to be rescued?
He doesn't realize it yet,
but once you show up,
he'll realize that you're the one he wanted to be with all along.
-[chattering continues] -No, no. I can't. I'll lose it!
Do you all wanna see me lose it?
-What are you getting him for Christmas? -Don't you have to be up there?
-[sighs] I'm after this. -[Sandy] We're gonna take it from the top.
I'm the donkey.
"Our story begins with a young woman in her home…
Mary."
[dramatically] "Unless you look deeper,
there's nothing particularly remarkable about Mary."
[giggles]
That's my favorite part.
[Peter] So, my best friend, Nick, came home with me,
and the whole plan was that we were going to pretend we finally fell in love.
-Why? -Because…
[exhales] …my family is terrified
that I'll be alone forever, and I didn't want to hear about it.
But that's really cool of your friend, though,
I mean, to play along with the whole charade.
That kind of thing comes easily to us. It's how we met, actually.
-How'd you meet? -Nine years ago, I had just moved to L.A.
Uh, it was literally my second day in tow,
and I was doing what every gay guy does on his second day in a new city.
-Joining a gym. -Correct.
And Nick was also there doing the exact same thing.
He had also just moved to L.A., but we didn't know any of this yet.
And then I heard that the couple ahead of us was getting a family discount.
-Wow. -We didn't have to say a word.
When it was our turn, we improvised the whole thing.
We were from Chicago. We'd been together for three years.
We were engaged, but we didn't have the rings yet.
We'd just driven all the way to L.A. with Chelsea, our African gray parrot.
I mean… We got the family discount.
-That's an amazing story. -We've been best friends ever since.
Have, uh, you and Nick ever…
No.
[girl] Danny's right.
You can't just not get Uncle Peter a present for Christmas.
He's not my boyfriend.
So? He's not my boyfriend either. I'm still getting him a gift.
Wait, you are? What are you getting him?
Mom's just putting our name on something. But, Nick, you have to get him something.
Look, I appreciate what you're--
whatever you're trying to do, but Peter and I have a long history.
We've never gotten each other Christmas presents. We've never…
actually done Christmas together.
-Aw. -Aw.
-Let's get a photo. -Yeah.
-[Sandy] I want to see all of your acting… -[exhales]
-[camera clicks] -Can you do a funny one?
[camera clicking]
Oh! My nieces with Nick right now.
Oh…
You have FOMO.
[chuckling] I do.
I'm a FOMO-sexual.
[laughs]
I mean, obviously, I wanna be here with you…
but I don't get to see my family very often.
-Oh, I hope I'm not causing any drama. -No. Quite the opposite.
Everyone… Everyone's very happy I'm here.
Part of it is that they want me to move back home.
Oh! Do you ever think about that?
All the time.
But then…
Work-wise, New Hampshire is not exactly the social media capital of the world.
Oh well, I wouldn't miss my job that much.
Because your real passion is plants?
How'd you know about that?
You don't think I found you on Instagram @MrHausPlant? H-A-U-S?
That's not fair.
My mom didn't have any pictures of you. I couldn't find you anywhere on Instagram.
@SkisTheLimit. S-K-I-S.
Oh. Uh-huh.
Ski's the limit. Yeah. I get it. I like it.
[ski lift clatters]
[Nick] "It was Emmett's third day in the shelter."
"He was trying to sleep
so he didn't have to think about being sad,
but he was so sad."
"Then, all the other dogs started barking,
which meant a human was there to save one lucky dog."
"But, Emmett didn't bark. He just wanted to sleep."
Am I right or am I right, huh? Uncle Peter insists on a real tree.
He says he's gonna deal with it. And here we are, hanging ornaments
-for the second time and cleaning up. -[whirring]
Well, he would be here if he wasn't with the guy you set him up with.
[vacuum stops]
Yeah, you're right, honey. I just wanted to complain. [chuckles]
I get that. [chuckles]
Why isn't he back yet? I'm just gonna text him at this point.
-No. No, no, no. No, no, don't text him. -[whirring]
-Leave him alone. -Okay. Okay. Okay.
[Nick] "So, Emmett sat in the truck next to the man,
and they drove and drove and drove." [chuckles]
"Now, when they walked into the man's apartment,
the man said, 'We're home!'"
-Is that your real apartment? -It's a drawing of it, yeah.
Where you live with Uncle Peter?
Yep.
Then why isn't Uncle Peter in the book?
It's a good question.
When did you and Uncle Peter get married?
[girls laughing]
[laughs] We're not married, no.
What are you, then?
-[Nick clears throat] -Hey, you should totally write a sequel.
Well, have you been talking to my publisher?
-You wrote it already? -No.
-Oh. -But I will.
-Mm-hmm. -As soon as I figure out a good story.
I know. It should be about Emmett at the hotel.
During Christmas like he is right now.
It should be sad at first because you're leaving him,
but then it's happy when you come and pick him up.
Right. And Uncle Peter would pick him up with you.
-Do you guys wanna write the book? -Oh no, I don't.
Okay, look, come on. Bring it in. Bring it in.
[boys laughing]
-[Peter] That was great. -[James] You killed that last run.
[Peter scoffs] Only after you showed me what I was doing wrong.
Well, it is kind of my job.
Don't think I didn't realize I got a free private lesson.
I just hope you don't feel like you were working all day.
Not at all.
Should we, uh, après-ski?
-We should après-ski. -[phone vibrates]
Sorry. Sorry. I-- [sighs]
[chuckles]
Actually…
Am I that bad a kisser?
-Horrible. -[chuckles]
I wasn't gonna say anything.
-Thanks for understanding. -Of course. Family comes first.
And, uh, you can just, uh, Venmo me for the private lesson.
[laughs]
-Oh. -[laughs]
-I had a really great time today. -Me too.
-[engine starts] -[door shuts]
-Hey! -Damn! Wow! You scared me.
So? How'd it go?
It was…
kind of great. [chuckles]
Okay!
Yes!
Uh, details?
[Danny] It’s so obvious. How come only Grandpa sees what we see?
All you gotta do is look at their faces.
It’s pure love.
I know, but why don’t even they see it, is the question.
Love is blind.
No. No, that’s when you fall in love with someone who’s ugly.
-[indistinct chattering] -Why are you looking out of the window?
Just two people who look at each other like that are not just friends.
You’re totally right.
Oh, you’re all insane. Peter just went skiing with James.
He's just probably telling Nick how great it was.
-What's happening? -No, no, no, no!
[Tony] Aw. Is one of them proposing?
Maybe Nicholas actually listened to me.
What do you mean?
What did you tell him?
Sounds like a solid, amazing date.
Except I was gone all day.
Well, you were skiing. It’s kind of an all-day thing.
-Yeah, but it’s already dark out. -It’s dark because it’s winter.
I know. [chuckles, exhales]
I just wanted to be here too.
-Because you were feeling FOMO-sexual? -Yes! I was.
[chuckles]
I only have so much time here and… I don’t like that.
I wanna be able to go on a date and be in a relationship,
and also go to Lisa’s house for dinner at the drop of a hat,
or go to a movie with my dad, or take the girls shopping or…
I don’t know, Coach Simon’s Little League team.
Mm.
Right. I’m obviously never coaching a Little League team.
But I don’t want it to be this one-or-the-other thing
for the rest of my life.
Well, it doesn’t have to be, but you’d have to move back here.
That’s what I’m saying. I think I do wanna move back here.
Oh. [chuckles nervously]
So, you really must like this guy if he’s got you thinking about all this.
Yeah, I don’t know.
It is two dates. [chuckles]
I think he’s just the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Please, just listen to me.
Mom, you’re just pushing this James guy because you set them up.
You have to look at what’s really happening here.
No, you do.
Listen, I totally get it.
For years I've been pressuring Peter to be with Nick.
They’re so close and so great together,
but that doesn’t mean they have romantic chemistry.
This is a common misconception we straight people have about gay people.
But then I read my book called Loving Your LGBTTT Child.
Okay, I'm not buying it.
Nick and Peter wanna make out. They should make out.
Nick is hot. Nick is a ten. And Peter’s a ten in New Hampshire.
We just have to make sure Peter doesn’t go on any more dates with this James guy.
-Yes! -You can’t just decide what Peter does.
Okay, sometimes people need a little shove.
It's true. It's true.
Jim and I wouldn’t be married
unless Lisa had forced me to reply to his message on Match.
What? You weren’t gonna reply?
-You’re welcome. -[chuckles]
And that's exactly what we need to do, is force them to spend more time together.
They’re roommates and best friends. How much more time
should they spend together?
Okay, but time here, in a new environment.
It’s Christmas. It’s romantic.
You know, it’s not their normal day-to-day.
And when I think about it, what do I actually have in L.A.?
A… A… A job I don’t love,
an overpriced apartment, an overpriced car.
There are people that I like in L.A., but you’re the only person I love.
Well, I would, uh…
really miss you.
[car approaching]
[Sandy] Thanks, Trish!
-[car door closes] -[groans]
Aunt Sandy? You okay?
Yeah.
-Okay. -[mumbling softly]
Oh, whoa. Here, let me-- I… got you. Okay.
Aunt Sandy, what's wrong?
"All the world’s a stage."
"And most of us are desperately under-rehearsed."
-Mm. -Who said that?
It wasn't Shakespeare.
Who?
-I can’t remember. That’s why I asked. -Oh.
[Sandy] It could've been Captain Kangaroo.
He was smart.
I don't think we should all meddle like this.
From the Queen of Meddling!
No! I don't want any part of it. Whatever makes my Peter happy, right?
-[Harold] That's it. You're right. -[girls] Amazing! Us too.
[giggling, chattering]
Meddle, meddle, meddle, meddle. King of meddle.
Well, I'm glad you’re all having so much fun,
but I just thought everyone should know
that the pageant is a giant load of crap on a stick.
And not in a good way, if you know what I mean.
[sighs]
What's the good way?
[Sandy] I don't know. It's worse than crap on the floor.
Okay, seriously, Nick and Peter need to help Aunt Sandy with the pageant.
-Yes! -Wait!
Are you insinuating that just because Nick and Peter are gay,
that they know theater?
Because that’s another misconception I read about in my book.
No, Mom. What I’m saying is Peter is really creative
and he puts together, like, productions and photo shoots all the time.
And Nick is super handy, and he can build things like sets,
and the whole point of this is to force them to do more things together.
Oh, Aunt Sand. Aunt Sand.
Let Peter and Nick help you.
You shouldn’t have to do this all by yourself. You know?
Jesus H. Christ.
I know. I know.
No, that’s the title of my play.
Oh…
It’s just such a huge undertaking.
If Peter and Nick would like to give me some help, that would be great.
It's not because the gays know theater.
It's because the gays just know how to do stuff, you know?
I mean, they’re survivors.
And for some reason, they’re always obsessed with me.
-[exhales] -[chuckles]
I don't know why…
but I like it.
I’m not saying it’s definite. [exhales]
I’m just feeling…
-[exhales] -A lot of things.
-[exhales] -[chuckles]
[huffs, sniffs]
-All right. -[sniffs]
-Here. -[chuckles]
-Oh, well… -[mellow music playing]
Now you'll be cold.
We can go inside.
I'm done.
Done with what?
Come here.
[Peter chuckling] Oh!
[whispering] Wow!
Thank you…
for this,
for being so great with my family…
for…
you.
[chuckles]
[inhales deeply]
[stomping foot] Help. My wife is about to have a baby.
My rooms are full.
All I can offer is my stable where we keep our animals.
At last, I can have… I can have--
Stop! Stop! You’re reading from your scripts!
I was very clear about this.
I said, "Everybody needs to be off book, or I'm gonna be doing their dialogue."
And I'm gonna have to do just that.
None of you have any lines.
None of you. None of you. None of you. None of you.
"Joseph and Mary knocked on every door in Bethlehem looking for a place to stay."
"They nearly gave up and then they tried one last place."
Help! Help, please.
My wife, she's having a baby.
"Are you kidding me? My rooms are full."
"All I have is my stable where we keep my animals."
[panting]
Thank you so much, sir, we… we really thank you. We'll take it.
Oh my God!
[crying, moaning]
I have to have this baby. Please, give me some privacy!
That's how it's done.
[grunts] Aunt Sandy.
Can I have a word with you? Just a quick word?
I just want you to know that, you calling me over here
and I’m in the middle of directing a scene,
it makes me look like I don’t know what I’m doing.
Sorry. I didn't… I didn't mean to do that.
I just thought that maybe, I had, um, maybe Nick and I could help you here.
Oh, yeah? What do you got?
["Joy to the World" by Whitney Houston playing]
♪ Ooh ♪
-♪ Let earth ♪ -♪ Let earth ♪
-♪ Receive ♪ -♪ Receive ♪
-♪ Her King ♪ -♪ Her King ♪
♪ Let every heart ♪
♪ Prepare Him room ♪
-♪ And heaven and nature sing ♪ -♪ Heaven and nature sing ♪
♪ And heaven and nature sing ♪
-♪ Go tell it ♪ -♪ Go tell it His glory ♪
♪ Shout out a new story ♪ ♪ Go shout a new story ♪
-♪ That the savior is born ♪ -♪ Heaven ♪
-♪ Heaven, heaven ♪ -♪ Heaven, heaven ♪
-♪ And nature ♪ -♪ Sing joy ♪
-♪ Joy ♪ -♪ Joy ♪
-♪ Sing joy to the world ♪ -♪ Sing joy, oh ♪
-♪ Sing joy to the world ♪ -♪ Sing joy ♪
-♪ Everybody sing ♪ -♪ Sing joy to the world ♪
-♪ Sing joy ♪ -♪ Sing joy to the world ♪
-[vocalizing] -♪ Sing joy to the world ♪
-♪ Everybody sing joy ♪ -♪ Sing joy to the world ♪
-[vocalizing] -♪ Sing joy ♪
-♪ Joy to the world ♪ -♪ Joy to the world ♪
[boy yells] Again!
"Mary didn’t understand why the angel had come to see her."
"And she was worried what the angel meant by the greeting."
"Seeing she was scared, the angel said…"
Sam, the show is tomorrow.
Exactly, and none of you are getting any of these amazing, yummy Christmas treats
until you know all your lines by heart.
This isn't fair.
-You've got a job to do. -Yeah, but we aren't getting paid.
-Yes, you are, in cookies. -[phone ringing]
If you'll excuse me, this is my boss, who does not pay me in cookies.
Lachlan, hey. [chuckles]
Are we still going live on Christmas Eve?
Ha! [chuckles] LOL.
Wait, are you serious?
No!
They can't just-- No.
Tell them that--
Offices are closed. Everyone's away, including me.
I’m in New Hampshire.
Even if I was in L.A., there's absolutely no--
Agh!
Three months of work and they want me to deliver a new campaign in one day.
Huh, what was wrong with the first one?
Nothing! But suddenly the CEO decided he doesn’t want to use influencers.
He wants to use "real" people. Which still means models, by the way.
All the agencies are closed. My photographers aren't available.
Just tell them that it's not possible.
-Thanks, Mom. I did. They don't care. -Would you like for me to call them?
[scoffs]
Why don’t you take some pictures of Nicholas?
[laughs]
Oh, you're very funny.
No, you’re real. You could be a model. You’re a ten! He's a ten!
No! I mean, I'm sorry.
I have something to do that needs to be done.
So I'm gonna go do it. So it's done. Okay.
[exhales] Hmm?
Thanks, Dad. Great idea.
-One of your best. -[chuckles]
-Mm… -[groans]
"Thanks, Dad. Good idea. One of your best."
I know who you are, and I see what you're doing.
You're pretending like you’re helping your son solve a work problem,
but really, you’re manufacturing some sort of a romantic thing between them?
I was doing both. I was helping and manufacturing.
Highly sophisticated.
-Good! Oh, that's good. -I can’t believe you’re making me do this.
Okay, this will work. Can you look… Can you look at me though?
Oh! Very good. I think that's your new author photo.
-Now you just have to write a book. -Oh, you're funny.
-Can you up look at me? -[shutter clicking]
Okay, one more.
-Oh. -[whispering] Oh, that feels wrong.
Turn, one, two, three, turn. Oh. Oh, smolder.
Okay, take off the jacket and the gloves and the… and the shirt.
Pick up a piece of wood. Not that one. Here. Like a round one.
You're horrible.
You need a little bit more… Hold this for me.
-Oh, okay. -Yeah.
Oh my God! [laughs]
I'm sorry.
Oh yes!
Come on, give me a big smile.
-Okay. Here. It's stupid. -Okay.
-I shouldn't even be in this campaign. -No, I like this, but you know what?
Oh, you just look so cute.
Yes, yes, do you wanna lean your head up against the tree?
Oh, there we go.
Oh my God. Yes. Yes. Now put it on.
-Make sure you don't get any… -There you are. This is really cute.
-I have an idea I wanna do. -Like what?
-I want you to look right into the camera. -Mm-hmm.
On three, breathe out so I can see the fog on your breath.
Okay. Ready?
Okay.
One,
two,
-three. -[shutter clicking]
[gentle piano music plays]
[inhales shakily]
-[phone vibrates] -[chuckles]
-Oh. -What? Work? Let me guess.
They've changed their minds again, and now they want girls.
But real girls. With their boyfriends.
It’s James. He wants to grab a drink.
Ooh.
But I’m not going.
I, ugh, have all this work drama
and I don’t need to spend any more time away from my family.
Right?
Well, you have been with the family all day.
And we might have just solved your work problem.
So… I think you should probably go.
-You should come with. -No. I don’t need to be a third wheel.
-You wouldn’t be. -I literally would be.
-[scoffs] Why do you want me to go? -Because I think you wanna go.
-I think you want me to wanna go. -I think you’re overthinking it.
Just go.
Okay. I'll go.
-All right. -[delivery notification bleeps]
[mellow music playing]
I'm going.
[music continues]
[message chimes]
[groans]
Black and gray doesn't scream very donkey to me.
-Well, I just-- -No.
No?
Where are you going? We need help. I have to figure out my Mary makeup.
I need to show you the new donkey costume.
I’m on the fence about it.
I’m actually off to do a TaskRabbit gig. Peter left to grab a drink with James.
-No, he didn't. What? -Where? Mom and Dad’s bar?
No idea.
Well, it’s the only bar in town. Nick, you need to stop this.
[chuckles]
[footsteps receding]
[phone ringing]
Lisa’s Crisis.
It’s us. Is Peter there with that guy grandma set him up with?
They're here. And it's not good. James is super-hot.
Oh my God, I hate James so much.
Mom, you and Dad need to ruin this date.
Just spill their drinks on them. Oh, tell lies about Peter.
Just do whatever you need to get rid of this guy.
-Yeah, yeah. -On it.
Give me a burger!
We need to find Nick and make him do something about his feelings.
He went to that TaskRabbit gig. We have no idea where he is.
He was walking. He can’t be that far.
Nick's basically been on his own since he was 17, so…
he just had to do everything.
He basically built the whole set for the pageant in a day and a half.
You know, you talk about Nick a lot.
Oh, well, you know… [scoffs]
He’s my best friend.
No, it’s sweet. If I had a best friend who could fix anything,
I’d be bragging about him too. [chuckles]
You’re lucky.
[chuckles]
Yeah.
I guess I am lucky.
[clears throat]
-Oh! Oh my God! -Oh!
Peter!
-Wh-- What? How is that my fault? -Oh, you weren't looking.
I am so sorry.
I mean, this is typical Peter, you know, in his own world,
just thinking about himself, not about anyone or anything around him.
-[stammers] -[Lisa] Here's a napkin.
Seriously, when I was 11 years old, he ran over my science project
with his remote-control Barbie Baywatch Rescue Cruiser.
Oh my God! And the worst part was that
I had actually figured out how to stop the polar ice caps from melting,
but I couldn't remember how I figured it out.
And now we have climate change because of Peter. Honestly, just-- Oh!
I can't even with you.
It's just… He's so selfish.
[groans]
-[Danny] Nick! -[groans]
Admit you’re in love with Peter or we’re not putting the ladder back.
-You’ve gotta be kidding me. -Does it look like we’re kidding you?
[sighs] We've talked about this. Peter and I are just friends.
You guys are more!
And we think you know it, but you’re not doing anything about it.
[chuckles]
I know you care, but this not the-- Okay, wait!
[exhales]
[emotional music playing]
I do love Peter.
You're right.
You mean you’re in love with Peter.
Right. Yes.
-I can’t believe I’m saying this out loud. -So you're gonna do something about it?
I would if the feeling was mutual, which I don’t think it is,
considering Peter is currently on a third date with someone else.
[door creaks open]
[man coughs]
Um, ladies… [chuckles]
…I would like to keep my five-star rating, please.
Your family obviously cares a great deal about you.
-[chuckling] Sometimes too much so. -What do you mean?
Well, this may be weird to tell you, but,
um, my family has always had this thing where they think that Nick and I
are supposed to be together,
which is weird because here I am on an actual date, a third date with you.
Maybe they’re onto something.
What if you and Nick have an undeniable connection
that everybody can see but you?
Don't you have one of those friends everyone assumes is your boyfriend?
Hmm.
No.
Oh. [inhales]
-[phone vibrates] -[exhales]
-Sorry. -It's okay.
[Peter] It's my boss.
This is random, but you wouldn't be interested in being in a Raazr ad
for Instagram if they pick you, would you?
-Are you kidding me? -Yeah, I'm sorry, that's…
-Yes! -Oh.
-Yeah. -Okay! [laughs]
It will be fun. Um, um, I just need--
-Yeah, so… I need something from… -Yeah.
Okay.
-Great! -Yeah.
-Ready? -Yeah.
[laughs]
This is great.
I wanna do one more.
Look right into the camera
and on three breathe out, so I can see your breath. Okay?
-Okay. -Ready? Here we go.
One, two, three.
It's great.
Really good.
Well, you're a lifesaver. [chuckles]
It was a lot of fun.
[keys jingle]
-Well, this is me. -Oh.
Do you wanna come up?
Uh, sure.
Actually…
[clicks tongue] I should probably go home.
The girls need me for the pageant and…
Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course.
I look forward to seeing it.
That is, if I'm invited?
Yeah. Yeah, of course you’re invited.
-I’ll make sure there's a ticket for you. -Great. [exhales]
-I'll see you tomorrow. -Okay.
-Goodnight. -Goodnight.
[keys jingle]
[exhales]
What the? [scoffs]
Really?
[sighs deeply]
Don't snore.
[breathing heavily]
-Hey. -Hey, sorry.
-Are you okay? -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The…
-The girls are in my bed. -[chuckles]
Of course, they are.
-Of course, they are. -[chuckles]
[emotional music playing]
[Nick groans softly]
[both sigh]
-[Lisa] Absolutely not. -[Danny] You don't know what looks good.
Well, I know what looks bad!
You know what? Let me…Let me just say, it's… it's a little bit too sexy.
[sister] And sexy is a great thing.
It is a great thing when you're my age. Not now.
[sister] Peter and Nick said we look amazing.
No, we didn’t.
Ho, ho, ho! [blows raspberry, chuckles]
Can you do something about this?
-Okay. Yes. -[door opens]
All right! Are we late for the final rehearsal?
Okay! Let's go! Let's go.
-I wanna stay. -[Ashleigh] I know.
-[Simon] Why can't we stay in the kitchen? -[Ashleigh] Mommy says so.
-Use your words, honey. -I have no words. There are no words.
You should've had boys.
Why couldn't we stay in the kitchen?
Oh, you know, because it’s Christmas Eve,
which means that someone needs to change Grandma’s sign.
Me! Me!
Okay! Well, up we go! [grunts]
One more day to go. [sighs]
Hey, Ash, uh, can we use some of your farm makeup for the show?
To make the girls look like, you know, not terrifying.
Of course. Yeah, and would you maybe take some pics and post them?
-Absolutely. -#FarmOnMyFace.
Ha-- Yeah.
[squeals]
[Peter] Yes! Yes, ladies.
Oh, such an improvement. Take it from your guncle.
Okay, here we go. #FarmOnMyFace.
Sorry we said you like our trashy costumes.
That was like, super shady of us.
Um, no, Sofia. We weren’t shady.
-You were shady. -[Peter] It’s okay.
Come to L.A. for Halloween and you can wear whatever you want.
So you’re not moving back here for James?
Because you have feelings for Nick?
What?
Don't pretend like you don't know what we're talking about.
Uh, it sounds like you don’t want me to move back here.
No, no, no! That's not what we're saying.
Of course, we want you to move back here,
with Nick.
Well… [chuckles]
…Nick wouldn’t wanna move here.
What would be here for him?
-You. -And us.
Admit it. You have feelings for him.
Have I had feelings for Nick in the past? Yes.
And maybe even now? I… maybe.
But the risk is too…
If Nick and I ever went there and it didn’t work out…
I would lose him. And I don’t want that to happen.
But what if it did work out?
[sighs] Well, then I’d…
be really happy.
[chuckles]
And I wouldn’t have to be single at Christmas.
Santa? Can you hear me?
[chuckles, gasps]
-Oh my God. -[Peter] Britney!
Our song. I wasn’t even thinking that. I was just-- It--
It lives in your soul. I’m finding it. I’m finding it. Let's go!
Do we remember the choreography?
[Danny] You’ve only made us do it ever since we could walk.
-Okay. -["My Only Wish (This Year)" playing]
Space. Space. Okay.
[Sofia] Okay. Okay. Okay. Ready! Okay.
♪ Last night I took a walk in the snow ♪
♪ Couples holdin' hands, places to go ♪
-♪ Seems like everyone but me is in love ♪ -Looking. Looking.
-Heartbeat. -♪ Santa, can you hear me? ♪
♪ I signed my letter That I sealed with a kiss ♪
♪ I sent it off and just said this ♪
♪ I know exactly what I want this year ♪
-♪ Santa can you hear me? ♪ -[Peter humming]
♪ I want my baby, baby ♪
♪ I want someone to love me Someone to hold ♪
-Baby! -♪ Maybe, maybe ♪
♪ Maybe, maybe ♪
♪ He'll be all my own in a big red bow ♪
♪ Santa, can you hear me? ♪
♪ I have been so good this year ♪
♪ And all I want is one thing ♪
♪ Tell me my true love is here ♪
♪ He's all I want, just for me ♪
♪ Underneath my Christmas tree ♪
♪ I'll be waiting here ♪
-♪ Santa, that's my only wish this year… ♪ -[Peter] ♪ This year ♪
[laughing, cheering]
-Nice! -Yeah!
Okay, robot.
Christmas robot!
-No, I don't-- -♪ Christmas Eve ♪
-We talked to Uncle Peter. -♪ I just can't sleep ♪
-The feeling is mutual. -♪ Would I be wrong for takin' a peek ♪
♪ 'Cause I heard That you're coming to town ♪
♪ Santa, can you hear me? ♪
♪ I really hope that you're on your way ♪
♪ With something special for me-- ♪
"I just want us all to go out there
and take the people in the audience to another place."
"And inspire them to be better versions
of the people that they are already."
"I thank you all,
each and every one of you for being part of this experience with me."
"I feel so grateful."
"I feel so excited."
"I feel so honored."
"Let's go out there and have the best time ever tonight."
"Be safe and let's shine like the brightest lights."
"Amen."
[all] Amen.
Word for word Madonna's pre-show prayer from Truth or Dare.
Yeah. [chuckles]
[indistinct chattering]
Hey.
-Hi. -HI. Good to see you.
Merry Christmas, Carole.
[applause continues]
[applause continues, whooping]
Imagine all the stars in the sky…
the countless constellations…
the sprawling solar system.
And among it…
a tiny little planet called Earth.
Our story begins with a young woman in her home.
Mary.
-[clapping] -Whoo!
[whispering] Sorry.
Unless you look deeper,
there was nothing particularly remarkable about Mary.
-[laughing] -[Sandy] And the Holy Spirit will come
and bring his power
and bring us a baby.
But I am not yet married. How could I have a son?
The Holy Spirit will come, and his power will give you a baby.
[audience laughing]
[star whirs]
Oh.
[laughing]
To save her aching legs,
Mary rode a donkey.
[audience murmurs, chuckles]
Mary liked camels and donkeys.
And rode them both.
[audience murmuring]
-The shepherds were just ordinary… -Look.
[Carole clicks tongue] Aw.
Can't argue with that.
Do you hear me arguing? I don't hear me arguing.
[Sandy] …when another angel spoke to them.
I bring news of great joy.
Today in Bethlehem, our Savior's been born.
[piano plays "Joy to the World"]
[children singing] ♪ Joy to the world ♪
♪ The Lord has come ♪
♪ Let earth receive her King ♪
♪ Let every heart prepare Him room ♪
♪ And heaven and nature sing ♪
[cheering]
Bravo!
-They really pulled it off. -With the help of two fairy God-daddies.
Seriously.
Yep.
Seriously, though, thank you for all your help here.
And for coming home with me.
You really just make everything better.
Aw! Look at you being all sweet.
-Peter… -[gasps]
-You just first named me. -Um…
I have something to tell you.
And it has spun around in my head a lot lately.
Um…
I'm just gonna say it.
I love you.
[chuckles]
I love you too.
I know, but… [exhales]
I'm in love with you.
Wow!
Um…
[chuckles]
You've been pushing me to go out with James.
Why are you suddenly--
It was when you said you wanted to move back here.
When you said that, it… it hit me and
I realized if my feelings were purely platonic,
then I wouldn't be that devastated.
I mean, I'd be bummed, but I'd be fine.
But I wasn't.
I was heartbroken.
[clicks tongue, sighs]
[gasps] I can't lose you as a friend.
What if it didn't work out?
Isn't that what would happen? Would that happen?
Are you saying you do wanna try or are you saying you don't want to try?
I don't know. I don't know.
I just know that… I…
I wanna move back home. Here.
[exhales]
I get it. I--
But… But… [inhales]
-Hey! There you are. -[Peter] Hi.
-Hi! -The show was so great.
Thank you. Thank you.
You must be Nick.
Oh, sorry, yeah. Nick, James. James, Nick.
I've heard so much about you.
We should get to know each other better
because we are all blowing up on Instagram.
[Peter] Wait, what?
Ugh! They told me they were gonna tell me before they-- And they did. Wow, okay.
-[James] Yeah. -[Peter] Mm.
[James] Hey, we should celebrate.
Yes, we should. We should. We should go, um, get a drink.
Uh, some people are going to my sister's bar, actually.
-Perfect. -Actually, I'm… I'm gonna meet you there.
-Why? -I got a missed call from the doggy hotel.
I'm just gonna check in on Emmett and make sure everything's okay.
-I'll be five, ten minutes behind you. -Okay.
-Should we get a drink? -Yeah.
I could definitely use a drink right away.
-A few drinks. -[James] Yes!
-That show was really great. -Oh, thank you.
I know. Great idea.
I'm so stupid.
♪ Mrs. Claus, I write this letter to you ♪
♪ 'Cause nobody else seems To understand you like I do ♪
♪ I know what's underneath the spectacles And the long red dress… ♪
Why does that guy looks so familiar?
-Oh, that's Kevin, the snow-plow guy. -Oh yeah.
His real claim to fame is,
he spends all year writing a song to perform here on Christmas Eve.
He's been doing it every year since this place opened. [chuckles]
He's also a notary, and an animal psychic.
His brand's all over the place.
♪ I'm just sitting here Making up my Christmas list ♪
♪ And I wrote one down for you ♪
♪ Stand tall, baby ♪
♪ Don't play small no more ♪
♪ Stop giving up credit When credit's yours… ♪
What is happening? Where is Nick?
I don't know, but this is your fault.
You are so mean. But you're handsome, and you're right.
♪ …your prospers, Mrs. Claus ♪
[cheering]
♪ Mrs. Claus… ♪
This is crazy. I have gotten 10,000 new followers in the last two hours.
You should move to L.A. Strike while the iron's hot.
Really?
Yeah, I mean, well, that's where the social-media action is.
When there's a surge, you kinda, gotta grab it.
Jump in, no fear.
You can be a top celebrity trainer in months.
Even though you wanna move back here.
Oh, s-- sorry. I didn't even realize how that sounded like.
It's okay. I actually think you needed to hear yourself say that.
Say what?
That we're not a match.
Oh.
-Oh my gosh! -[Carole] What?
Nancy Michaelson, she just came up to me, and she said,
"Your show was so damn good. It needs to go on tour."
Oh, congratulations. It really was a great show, Sand.
Congratulations.
Oh no. You always say it just like that.
I do, but this time I actually mean it.
You agree that it should go on tour? What?
-I don't know what to-- -Oh my God.
And you know what? I think it should be a national tour.
And this time, Ellen Greene can be my understudy.
Oh, be right back. Or not.
For I've been making eyes with a very handsome man
and now it's time to land the plane.
Hi.
Hi! The pageant was great.
[laughs]
Thank you, yeah. I've been getting that a lot.
[Sandy sighs]
I'm Sandy.
And I think you're very handsome.
Oh no, no. No, no.
Oh, thank you.
Sorry. Sandy, no. Honey, honey, wrong team. No, no.
This is James. He's my trainer at the gym, and he's who I set up with Peter.
They're here together. So, wrong team and…
So what? I mean, people are into all sorts of things. Right?
Yeah, you said that. Look over here. Oh, look!
Wow! Your family is… interesting.
Yeah, yeah, that kind of thing tends to happen.
So, um, sorry, what we were saying before…
I've had a great time with you.
But you and Nick…
Remember when I asked you,
if maybe you two have an undeniable connection
that everyone can see but you?
[chuckles]
Well, you do.
[car beeps]
-[door opens] -[alert dings]
[alert stops]
[exhales]
[message alert vibrates]
[phone whooshes]
It was obvious every single time you'd talk about him.
You get this adorable twinkle in your eye.
It's even more adorable than the one you get
when you're talking about plants.
And it was very obvious seeing you two together today.
[chuckles]
But, I… I really…
You like me and I… I like you.
I think part of the reason you've been trying to convince yourself
there's something between us is…
you wanna move back here, and I get it.
But I don't wanna be that guy, and you don't need me to be that guy
because everything you want is right here.
Your family and Nick.
That's really scary.
"Jump in. No fear."
[mellow music playing]
This was my hardware store for 38 years.
Wow!
I'm sure it's not easy seeing it empty like this.
Uh, it's all right.
I'm ready to retire.
All it needs is a paint job, and it will be ready to go.
[chuckles]
-Nick! -[door slams shut]
Nick!
[suspenseful music rising]
[panting]
[exhales]
Come on! Oh, come on!
[tires screech]
Is that our rental car?
-[door closes] -Hey.
Why aren't you responding to my texts or called me back?
I texted you back.
[exhales]
Oh. What took you so long?
I didn't see it. I mean, I've been painting and you…
You first texted me eight minutes ago. [chuckles]
-Well, I thought you were leaving. -I was. I am.
I just needed to kill time.
Good, 'cause I, uh…
[sighs] …because, um, I gotta--
Okay, take a moment. Catch your breath. [chuckles]
And while you do that, uh…
I have something to give you,
your Christmas present.
We don't do Christmas presents.
This year is different, 'cause you're moving back here.
So…
this is your present. [chuckles]
I negotiated a good deal on the rent, and I'm paying the first six months.
So you can open up the plant store you've always wanted.
Huh…
I… uh…
With what money?
-The book money. -But you're saving that for a rainy day.
I was saving it for something important.
And…
you're important.
[chuckles] And guess what?
It's not a rainy day.
It's a snowy day.
I'm in love with you too.
[romantic music playing]
I always have been. I just needed…
Uh, it took a little, like, some help to kinda… realize it.
[scoffs] I don't understand.
That wasn't clear?
When I said I was in love with you before,
you said you wanted to move back home and didn't include me in those plans.
Then you invited me to go out with you and James
and I didn't get, "I'm in love with you too" from that.
You said you wouldn't leave L.A.
I never said that. I said I'd miss you if you moved here.
-That implies that you're not moving here. -You never asked.
I know. I was scared.
I was scared too.
[romantic music soars]
I can't believe this.
What?
I got you an entire store, and you haven't even said thank you.
I love it. It's perfect.
I hope you'll help me start it.
'Cause let's face it, I might be good with plants,
but I don't know how
-to build a shelf or, like… -[chuckles]
…anything.
You need your Tasker.
I need you.
You really okay to move here?
Why not?
I mean, I can work from anywhere.
In fact, it wasn't until I got here that I started writing the new book.
-[gasps] You did? -Yeah.
I can help you start this place, but I'm gonna be busy with my own thing,
especially with all the notes Simon and Sam are gonna give me.
You ready to be around my family all the time?
I've been ready for a family for a long time.
I can't wait to tell them.
That's what we came here to do in the first place, right?
-Yeah, and now we're not liars. -Mm.
["The Christmas Waltz" by Nancy Wilson playing]
-♪ It's that time of year ♪ -[indistinct chattering]
♪ When the world falls in love ♪
♪ Every song you hear seems to say ♪
♪ Merry Christmas ♪
♪ May your New Year dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ And this song of mine ♪
♪ In three-quarter time… ♪
Simon, Sam, you guys got one more present to open.
The new Emmett book?
It's the first draft,
but I wanna know what you guys think before I send it to my publisher.
"Emmett at the Christmas Hotel." Is it happy at the end like I said?
You gotta read it.
"And Peter and Nick and Emmett moved to New Hampshire."
And Peter and Nick and Emmett move to New Hampshire.
[gasp]
-Together. -[gasps]
Together together.
This is… this the best Christmas present, well, ever.
[both chuckle]
-This is the best Christmas present ever. -Mm.
[squealing, cheering]
That's nice!
-[upbeat music playing] -[crowd cheering, whistling]
♪ Can you believe I'm single ♪
I know.
♪ Neither can I ♪
Thank you.
♪ I walk up and down Every block in this town ♪
♪ Astounded people pass me by 'Cause even though Kris Kringle ♪
Yeah.
♪ Would probably agree ♪
♪ You'd be so happy to unwrap me ♪
♪ Underneath your Christmas tree ♪
♪ But, hey, it's okay ♪
♪ 'Cause, oh, what fun it is to stay ♪
♪ Riding solo, single all the way ♪
True story.
♪ You can take me to a Christmas party ♪
♪ Oh, I can trim your mama's tree ♪
♪ I can plow your daddy's driveway ♪
♪ If that's what you ask of me ♪
Hello.
♪ And people tell me I'm a good French kisser ♪
♪ Ah, something I just thought You should know ♪
♪ If that piques your interest ♪
♪ Yeah, well, I whip out my mistletoe ♪
♪ But, hey, it's okay ♪
♪ Oh, what fun it is to stay ♪
♪ Riding solo, single all the way ♪
Happy Holidays!
♪ Yeah, I'm all right, I'll be fine ♪
♪ Honey, it's your loss, not mine ♪
♪ Happy Holidays, I'll show you the way ♪
That's wonderful. Love this lady.
♪ Sometimes what you're searching for Was right there all along ♪
♪ And all it takes is The voice of an angel like me ♪
♪ Singing you some Christmas song ♪
That's sexy!
♪ And suddenly you realize ♪
♪ All this time right before your eyes ♪
♪ Was the one thing You've been blind to see ♪
♪ And yes, that thing was me ♪
♪ Oh yes, that thing is me ♪
♪ Okay, so I lied ♪
♪ I want someone by my side ♪
♪ Wakin' me up on Christmas Day ♪
♪ And rolling their eyes At the things I say ♪
♪ Netflixing and chilling with me ♪
♪ And watching the credits No one ever will see ♪
♪ Together forever, probably ♪
♪ Just a couple of people who used to be ♪
♪ Single all the way ♪
I love you.
[uplifting music playing]