1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:48,040 I would like an intercourse with you. 4 00:01:57,400 --> 00:02:06,000 This is the beginning of "The Rapist", a short story by Vaino Vahing. 5 00:02:16,240 --> 00:02:24,080 With his short story "Étude", Vahing became infamous. 6 00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:28,760 One of his famous short stories is "Étude", 7 00:02:28,920 --> 00:02:32,120 constantly discussed in "Endspiel" and elsewhere, 8 00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:34,840 where they travel to Taevaskoja 9 00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:38,840 in the end of 1960's with his well-known girlfriend 10 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:42,720 and in order to find out if she really loves him 11 00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:51,640 or is it just a whim, he takes the girlfriend down, 12 00:02:51,760 --> 00:02:55,000 stuffs her mouth with grass and soil and runs away to the forest 13 00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:58,120 and ultimately takes the train back alone. 14 00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:04,000 We went to Taevaskoja and everything was fine, 15 00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:06,920 until Vaino suddenly attacked me, tackled me down 16 00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:08,920 and stuffed moss into my mouth, 17 00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:11,760 and when I tried to get up, he tackled me down again. 18 00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:13,920 It was very frightening for me, 19 00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:16,280 but who's used to this sort of things anyway. 20 00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:21,200 So I grew curious about what's behind all this. 21 00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:34,160 Then he wrote a story about it, and naturally, it got some feedback. 22 00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:37,720 It was so different from what the literature was these days. 23 00:03:38,880 --> 00:03:40,840 I has always been his style. 24 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:44,880 Everything seems to be real, but strangely out of joint, 25 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:50,280 and it gives his creations certain extraordinary air. 26 00:03:53,040 --> 00:04:00,720 Since then, I have started to grow thicker skin regarding these things, 27 00:04:00,880 --> 00:04:07,840 I'm trying to keep things apart. Even what's in his "Diaries"... 28 00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:13,000 Well, I saw things differently, very differently at times, 29 00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:15,120 but I'm granting Vaino his right 30 00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:18,200 to write about it as he has seen and wished. 31 00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:38,960 THE DIARY OF VAINO VAHING 32 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:42,520 We are in village Aravu, 33 00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:49,640 and Vaino was born in this house on 15. February 1940. 34 00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:52,960 It was a very cold winter. 35 00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:59,240 His father was a very skilful worker, 36 00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:02,960 his mother was of the worrying type. 37 00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:05,160 She was worried about Vaino. 38 00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:14,000 Even when I came here, she observed Vaino and me and our relationship. 39 00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:17,920 In short, Vaino was in her heart. 40 00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:29,960 This is my city, our city. I came here myself, no one invited me. 41 00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:34,720 I came as a boy as many have come, and will come in future. 42 00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:40,720 Vaino left home in very young age, 43 00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:46,200 he went to Tartu to study when he was 14, to medical school, 44 00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:50,400 and maybe this early independence, 45 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:58,080 I think he has written in his "Diary" that he actually cried at some point 46 00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:02,320 when he realised that he's so lonely in this world. 47 00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:07,200 It was quite common back then. 48 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:12,400 It's so difficult to understand now, but that's how it used to be. 49 00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:14,720 Children went to cities to study 50 00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:18,880 and Vaino went to medical school not as much out of interest, 51 00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:25,720 but, as he has told me, because there was scholarship available. 52 00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:29,480 You had to pay for high school back then, 53 00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:32,240 but in medical school, you got paid. 54 00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:40,120 At first, I tried, I liked surgery 55 00:06:40,280 --> 00:06:43,080 and until my third year, I studied surgery, 56 00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:46,400 but then I took interest in psychiatry. 57 00:06:47,280 --> 00:06:52,560 Why? Maybe because it seemed to be the closest to psychology, 58 00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:59,280 the most social and as it has turned out, the most political field. 59 00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:01,360 And undoubtedly, the most abstract. 60 00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:06,280 A surgeon can operate on someone without knowing the patient's name, 61 00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:11,080 but a psychiatrist must know the patient very well. 62 00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:20,600 This small room belonged to Leida, the sister of Vaino's father Artur. 63 00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:24,040 She was mentally challenged, didn't talk too much. 64 00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:27,880 And with Vaino, she somehow had a special relationship. 65 00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:31,720 Vaino seldom hugged or patted someone, 66 00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:34,880 but with Leida, they had this sort of physical contact. 67 00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:44,160 One of the reasons why Vaino became a psychiatrist 68 00:07:44,440 --> 00:07:48,280 may lie in Leida, 69 00:07:48,520 --> 00:07:55,080 or maybe in an interest towards her. 70 00:07:55,640 --> 00:08:00,480 1. July 1968 71 00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:20,320 How's it going? - Better now. 72 00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:24,400 Where are you? - In Kehtna. 73 00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:32,039 How's your sleep? - Summer. 74 00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:38,280 But who am I? 75 00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:53,560 I think you may be small. 76 00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:51,920 Tartu was swarming with loonies, 77 00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:56,000 there were Train-Uncle and Rooster-Auntie, and The Crowers... 78 00:09:56,200 --> 00:10:00,920 Oddly clothed characters were visible in the city, 79 00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:04,200 but they were harmless, they did no harm to anyone, 80 00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:11,000 and it was somehow so enriching and nice, but now they are scarce. 81 00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:16,640 The city is degrading. There's less madness in the city. 82 00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:32,200 I painted a portrait of Vahing, 83 00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:36,080 with this blue glass ball, it refers to psychiatry. 84 00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:42,600 Psychiatry is a refuge where you hide from the world. 85 00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:49,640 I'll study psychiatry, so maybe I'll find out what's wrong with others 86 00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:51,560 and it'll be easier for me. 87 00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:04,440 It's easier for me, see, this one is a hunchback, that one is a cripple, 88 00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:06,880 that one is a thief, 89 00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:16,920 that one is sex crazed and so on. 90 00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:20,800 So, see, my own trouble is not so bad at all. 91 00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:30,280 So it's a messy business, psychiatry. 92 00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:53,000 For a long time, three years at least, 93 00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:56,080 I didn't know about his literature fascination. 94 00:11:56,760 --> 00:12:00,400 It was hidden from me. 95 00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:03,240 And when the "Diary" was published, then I realised 96 00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:07,920 that he wrote simultaneously with working at the hospital. 97 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:11,120 He was in our lab almost every day. 98 00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:21,560 This is the thesis by Vaino Arturovich Vahing, 200 pages: 99 00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:26,920 "The Effect of Psychotropic Substances 100 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:30,680 to the Central Functions of Acetylcholine, 101 00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:36,120 Serotonin and Noradrenalin." 102 00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:43,880 Thanks to this thesis, the mechanism of action of Imipramine and Amitriptyline, 103 00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:48,480 the antidepressants used back then, became significantly clearer. 104 00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:55,880 So in that sense, the tests on cats were rather illustrative. 105 00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:01,480 Influencing electrically the brain mechanism of the test animal, 106 00:13:01,680 --> 00:13:04,080 they can make it walk, 107 00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:14,880 to excite or calm. 108 00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:26,080 Scientist Lembit Allikmets is looking for new ways 109 00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,440 to influence brain activity. 110 00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:32,680 Push of the button, and the patient feels appetite for food. 111 00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:36,840 We did mostly behavioural tests. 112 00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:47,440 We inserted electrodes or needles to the exact spots in brain structure 113 00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:55,800 of the test animals, rabbits or cats. 114 00:13:56,600 --> 00:14:01,040 Where did you get the cats from? - From the city. 115 00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:07,360 And from the region of lake Peipsi. Vahing and his father arranged them. 116 00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:11,000 You caught them yourselves? - No, there were... 117 00:14:11,160 --> 00:14:16,320 We paid money for cats. University sent a car, and... 118 00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:23,000 We extracted the cat's brain, 119 00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:30,080 so we were interested in heads only. 120 00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:38,440 We didn't always even need to cut the head off, 121 00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:42,920 but the cat was dead, of course. It was executed under anaesthesia. 122 00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:49,040 The most complicated test was done to a decapitated cat, 123 00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:54,720 a cat without head, but blood still flowing. 124 00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:59,400 12. July 1972 125 00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:02,280 I have killed 152 cats. 126 00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:07,640 Afterwards, I had dreams of a cat running towards me for six months. 127 00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:16,240 Wanting to claw me. They say that it is easier to conduct tests on rats, 128 00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:17,840 but cat is more emotional, 129 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:21,520 you can get aggression, anxiety, fear on it. 130 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:24,520 I'm afraid. 131 00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:41,840 Mental institutions were a big issue. 132 00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:48,520 Many people in Russia are not jailed but put into mental institution. 133 00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:53,960 What do you do then? A minister, to a madhouse. 134 00:15:55,360 --> 00:16:01,880 Vahing was called up to huge cases, 135 00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:05,440 so who do you represent? What do you decide? 136 00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:10,320 Looking back, the profession was strongly despised. 137 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:15,400 A court psychiatrist was able to declare dissidents insane. 138 00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:17,680 Difficult job, really. 139 00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:20,760 There may have been suggestions 140 00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:24,520 to declare this or that person insane 141 00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:32,720 or incapacitated to send him to the system of institutions 142 00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:37,360 where there was no way out. 143 00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:45,880 But I can say with 99% certainty that Vaino does not have this on him. 144 00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:49,760 He did the job as honestly as ever possible. 145 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:55,800 22. April 1975 146 00:16:57,400 --> 00:16:59,680 The husband is drinking. 147 00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:03,960 And he has a good reason to, 148 00:17:05,119 --> 00:17:12,119 as you have retaliated in a ghastly way, smothering his child at birth. 149 00:17:12,839 --> 00:17:18,079 The husband is drinking. I know that. 150 00:17:19,839 --> 00:17:24,680 But when a man has felt with every cell of his skin 151 00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:32,000 how you wished to kill him, not to smother the newborn. 152 00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:38,800 So you are on your own now, 153 00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:41,320 because you have smothered your children 154 00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:45,280 and you have no right to demand sobriety from your husband. 155 00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:49,960 Your husband will not leave you, 156 00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:58,080 because he has understood that you have fallen in love with him. 157 00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:05,400 And when someone loves a man, then he will not leave. 158 00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:15,520 I'm not in position to diagnose someone. I don't know. 159 00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:20,840 I remember an article about Vaino and me 160 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:24,840 and the heading was "On Life with a Mad Genius". 161 00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:29,360 Then I started to think that maybe I really lived with a mad genius. 162 00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:41,640 How can we sit here and say that a psychiatrist is insane? 163 00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:45,440 There was an understanding back then that all psychiatrists are insane. 164 00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:50,680 19. January 1978 165 00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:53,440 You know... 166 00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:03,200 you, head-shrinker, 167 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:08,800 I have thought thoroughly and decided to stay with you. 168 00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:11,080 But... 169 00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:22,560 Someday, I'll set my conditions, too. 170 00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:38,680 I think I'm silly. 171 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:58,800 The woman had to be a bit of a comrade, too. 172 00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:08,880 He doesn't make a very different creature out of a woman, 173 00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:13,600 women are still humans. Not "humans". 174 00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:22,160 It's not like he is seeing an unequal or weak adversary in woman. 175 00:20:22,360 --> 00:20:24,000 He sees her as an equal adversary. 176 00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:29,240 11. April 1969 177 00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:41,640 I'm so alone. - Why? 178 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:45,840 I'm alone with my little wishes. 179 00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:47,880 And the wishes are? 180 00:20:49,360 --> 00:20:54,000 Vaino refuses to go walking with me for the third day in a row, 181 00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:57,240 refuses to come to the theatre. 182 00:21:37,240 --> 00:21:40,480 The Old Anatomicum. Anatomical theatre. 183 00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:58,320 We walked around, went to Toomemägi, and he brought me to the Anatomicum. 184 00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:02,600 There were many interesting items here back then. 185 00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:07,840 Heart of an alcoholic and different lungs and things like that. 186 00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:14,840 He used to laugh at it, mocking himself, and present everything. 187 00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:17,760 I don't think there was an autopsy going on at the moment. 188 00:22:25,760 --> 00:22:30,240 We did not in fact live together. 189 00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:34,840 When you come from a divorced family, 190 00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:40,680 you always think why aren't your parents living together. 191 00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:44,760 And it often seemed to me that now it's good, he came to visit us, 192 00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:48,320 we talked, or he was at my wedding or whatever. 193 00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:56,600 Everything was good and nice, but then suddenly he left or went away. 194 00:22:56,720 --> 00:23:00,000 He would look at his watch and say that he has to catch his bus to Tartu. 195 00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:07,040 But maybe he just sensed that there's no point to stay any longer, 196 00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:12,880 he had experienced that good things never last forever. 197 00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:25,200 There must have been some sort of dislocation in his childhood, 198 00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:30,760 or a tragedy, or trouble, 199 00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:34,000 anyway, these are just words bouncing around, 200 00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:38,000 that there must have been something that dislocated him, 201 00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:41,520 and he looked for a solution in psychiatry. 202 00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:44,520 He was trying to find a solution for himself in psychiatry. 203 00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:48,520 I didn't have any special relationship with my parents. 204 00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:51,040 The sort of warm ones I have seen in films, 205 00:23:51,240 --> 00:23:53,760 no kisses or hugs, I didn't have these. 206 00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:56,720 I even regret it, but it was just against my nature. 207 00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:02,600 You have no time for tenderness or gentleness 208 00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:07,000 when you have three children and a farm to keep. 209 00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:12,040 This was one big tragedy in Vaino's life. 210 00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:16,480 Tragedy is actually too strong, but he missed all that. 211 00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:21,000 They knew these feelings, but they never showed them. 212 00:24:21,400 --> 00:24:26,240 18. November 1971 213 00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:36,480 I have not hugged my mother or father since I was 8 or 9. 214 00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:39,200 Have not kissed them. 215 00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:48,600 I have been embarrassed to write "Dear Mom" or "Dear Dad". 216 00:24:53,120 --> 00:24:56,560 And yet, in my first years in the city, 217 00:24:56,760 --> 00:24:59,680 I have cried because I could not be with them. 218 00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:03,720 12. July 1972 219 00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:06,240 All stories are for crying, 220 00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:13,280 just as 18 years ago, in the age of 14, 221 00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:17,320 when, during the entrance exams to medical school, 222 00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:22,760 I was suddenly overwhelmed with fear, a real angst, 223 00:25:23,320 --> 00:25:27,400 that I will never have a father or a mother anymore. 224 00:25:30,560 --> 00:25:35,880 Water flowed in a toilet, an unfamiliar sound for a country boy, 225 00:25:36,520 --> 00:25:42,240 but I was under a blanket and cried the first real crying in my life. 226 00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:52,200 24. January 1974 227 00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:55,320 Memories again, memories that can't be played. 228 00:25:55,520 --> 00:25:57,280 Because they are too pristine. 229 00:25:58,240 --> 00:26:03,000 I have written: mother was beautiful... 230 00:26:06,720 --> 00:26:08,960 Mother was beautiful? 231 00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:14,520 Play that mother was beautiful! 232 00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:19,680 Play, actor, that mother was beautiful! 233 00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:27,440 I can't... 234 00:26:43,040 --> 00:26:46,680 But where did you get your beauty? - I got it from women. 235 00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:48,200 From women? - Yes. 236 00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:51,000 I think women have educated me the most in my life. 237 00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:54,560 I have had hard times with them, and trouble, but they are educating. 238 00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:45,600 In his 'Diaries', he makes women his enemies, but none of us actually was. 239 00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:52,600 But he always has to have suffering, a man has to suffer. 240 00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:56,120 If I'm not suffering, then I invent it. 241 00:27:56,680 --> 00:28:02,280 And a woman is one thing that makes you suffer. 242 00:28:02,520 --> 00:28:05,840 And when she doesn't, then we'll make her to do it. 243 00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:11,080 11. September 1969 244 00:28:12,520 --> 00:28:15,480 I think you have intentionally avoided women 245 00:28:15,680 --> 00:28:21,040 who give you strong orgastic experiences. You have left them. 246 00:28:33,360 --> 00:28:36,040 How right he was! 247 00:28:37,280 --> 00:28:40,080 I think I'm really afraid of having children, 248 00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:43,320 afraid of a woman getting pregnant. 249 00:28:44,880 --> 00:28:49,720 I'm like an idea pregnant man who will never give birth. 250 00:28:58,720 --> 00:29:01,360 There was very much glamour in his life. 251 00:29:01,520 --> 00:29:07,800 The cream of the 60's intelligentsia at the most rocking parties. 252 00:29:14,840 --> 00:29:21,920 But if you read the "Diary" closely, there is a vast amount of tragedy. 253 00:29:22,040 --> 00:29:24,680 He was a tragic character, 254 00:29:24,800 --> 00:29:28,920 there is so much pain, loneliness, 255 00:29:29,040 --> 00:29:33,840 getting stuck in creative sense. 256 00:29:34,000 --> 00:29:40,200 Maybe he hoped that these plays with people 257 00:29:40,440 --> 00:29:44,480 bring some existential clarity 258 00:29:44,760 --> 00:29:49,240 or even good art, but he got stuck artistically, too. 259 00:29:54,920 --> 00:29:59,840 30. December 1969 260 00:30:23,960 --> 00:30:29,400 How depressing it is when your woman is envious, doesn't let you work. 261 00:30:49,000 --> 00:30:53,240 Thank you, Vaino, for hating and loathing. 262 00:30:54,160 --> 00:30:56,240 If there's so much loathing in you, 263 00:30:56,400 --> 00:30:59,400 why are you so weak and can't break yourself free? 264 00:31:03,800 --> 00:31:10,240 Vaino loathed the bourgeoisie officially and openly. 265 00:31:10,640 --> 00:31:14,600 But let's be honest, he was not the type of poet 266 00:31:14,760 --> 00:31:18,480 who lived out of the air and spirit and love, either. 267 00:31:20,000 --> 00:31:25,000 1. January 1975 268 00:31:28,720 --> 00:31:32,800 This is because you threatened to kill yourself. 269 00:31:36,800 --> 00:31:41,360 Allow me, missis. I came to you as a friend. 270 00:31:44,240 --> 00:31:48,400 No, I will not let you go to your husband. 271 00:31:54,520 --> 00:31:56,040 Coward! 272 00:31:59,400 --> 00:32:02,680 Everything is so disgusting that it makes you hang yourself. 273 00:32:03,920 --> 00:32:06,120 I'm afraid of bourgeoisie. 274 00:32:06,640 --> 00:32:12,000 I hate officers, everyday life, mothers in law! 275 00:32:13,520 --> 00:32:15,240 He's dead. 276 00:32:16,520 --> 00:32:21,120 29. August 1974 277 00:32:21,520 --> 00:32:25,800 In Aravu. Mother said that her mother in law had told her off in Tallinn 278 00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:29,160 for men drinking, for Vaino drinking every day. Yeah! 279 00:32:29,960 --> 00:32:32,320 I can't even give a name for my mother in law. 280 00:32:32,520 --> 00:32:34,480 Only reproach everywhere, 281 00:32:34,680 --> 00:32:38,200 there's nothing in common with socialism in this sort of relationship. 282 00:32:47,760 --> 00:32:53,800 What was it that bothered him? - I don't know. 283 00:32:54,000 --> 00:33:00,120 Maybe a fear of being happy, really happy, thoroughly happy. 284 00:33:00,600 --> 00:33:06,600 So it's easier to be unhappy? - It's safer to be unhappy. 285 00:33:06,720 --> 00:33:11,840 Like, see, I'm unhappy and can make a martyr out of myself, 286 00:33:12,840 --> 00:33:16,840 to suffer under the system or whatever. 287 00:33:17,000 --> 00:33:19,280 One thing is to be a mental dissident, 288 00:33:19,440 --> 00:33:25,720 to be a creator in a material society is different. 289 00:33:26,120 --> 00:33:31,560 It's hard and difficult anyway. 290 00:33:32,400 --> 00:33:35,800 People owe to a writer, right? - They totally owe. 291 00:33:36,000 --> 00:33:40,000 Whatever a time it was, communism or early capitalism, 292 00:33:40,120 --> 00:33:43,240 they always owe something, and come to think of it, 293 00:33:43,440 --> 00:33:46,480 it may be a good idea, but they may stay in debt forever, 294 00:33:46,720 --> 00:33:49,960 and does it make sense to claim this debt from the people at all? 295 00:33:50,120 --> 00:33:53,000 Who would you claim it from? - From the state. 296 00:33:53,160 --> 00:33:56,040 The state is a form of self-organising of the people. 297 00:33:56,160 --> 00:33:59,960 Not as metaphorically that from the state, but... 298 00:34:03,000 --> 00:34:07,040 People can be disturbing, the communists disturbed much, 299 00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:12,360 not speaking of the KGB, but you still kept writing, we will keep writing. 300 00:34:12,679 --> 00:34:14,000 Something else is more important, 301 00:34:14,120 --> 00:34:17,320 for me, at least, something else is more important than this debt. 302 00:34:17,639 --> 00:34:21,239 Could it be that he sacrificed himself to the literature. 303 00:34:21,400 --> 00:34:26,920 Yes, I think so, but I guess he didn't take it as a sacrifice. 304 00:34:27,000 --> 00:34:32,280 He just did it. He sacrificed everything to it, 305 00:34:32,400 --> 00:34:37,400 his career as a doctor, he had a very promising career there, 306 00:34:37,560 --> 00:34:41,960 he was a very good diagnostician, wrote his thesis. 307 00:34:43,679 --> 00:34:49,719 And I think he also sacrificed all his relationships with opposite sex to it. 308 00:34:50,760 --> 00:34:54,159 I tend to think that it was not a submission of life to art, 309 00:34:54,360 --> 00:35:01,400 but submission of life to a metaphysical existentialist drive. 310 00:35:09,360 --> 00:35:14,960 Nietzsche said that everything you write or do, 311 00:35:15,040 --> 00:35:17,840 you must do with your own blood. 312 00:35:18,080 --> 00:35:23,000 There's no point in conducting something just cultural, 313 00:35:23,280 --> 00:35:30,720 to write criticism, articles or make theatre, write books. 314 00:35:32,000 --> 00:35:38,960 You always do your own personal thing, it's called existentialism. 315 00:37:11,000 --> 00:37:14,960 6. January 1969 316 00:37:15,400 --> 00:37:17,200 What to write about? 317 00:37:18,000 --> 00:37:23,440 About my dreams where I'm prevented to enter a sexual intercourse? 318 00:37:25,600 --> 00:37:28,240 Or where, in order to enter an intercourse, 319 00:37:28,360 --> 00:37:32,200 I have to throw a child out of 4th floor window, 320 00:37:34,040 --> 00:37:36,680 to strangle an old man. 321 00:37:36,880 --> 00:37:38,680 About that? 322 00:37:52,280 --> 00:37:57,000 8. February 1970 323 00:38:13,920 --> 00:38:16,960 Maybe you can't write anything beautiful 324 00:38:17,120 --> 00:38:19,640 because you don't really love me. 325 00:38:24,680 --> 00:38:27,120 But maybe it's the other way round? 326 00:38:40,160 --> 00:38:42,560 Was Vaino envious when you started writing? 327 00:38:42,720 --> 00:38:47,680 He was... How to put it... Envious may not be the right word. 328 00:38:47,800 --> 00:38:53,960 He was baffled. He knew I had this interest. 329 00:38:54,080 --> 00:38:58,440 Yes, he was baffled, but never commented anything I wrote, 330 00:38:58,600 --> 00:39:01,360 not in any way. He just ignored it. 331 00:39:01,880 --> 00:39:06,600 9. January 1971 332 00:39:15,360 --> 00:39:19,920 You became a dilettante writer and it's difficult to stay on that level. 333 00:39:21,040 --> 00:39:23,400 You haven't made your choice yet, you are writing into your drawer. 334 00:39:23,560 --> 00:39:27,360 Into my drawer, until I'm sure I'll manage as a writer. 335 00:39:28,840 --> 00:39:31,880 My wife does not want to read my stories. - But it's crap! 336 00:39:32,000 --> 00:39:34,280 But you are reading Vetemaa! 337 00:39:47,000 --> 00:39:49,600 As a writer, you are untalented. 338 00:39:52,520 --> 00:39:58,320 I may be untalented and you talented, but I need to write. 339 00:39:58,800 --> 00:40:02,560 I do know I can't write, everyone says that, including Unt. 340 00:40:02,760 --> 00:40:06,600 But if you don't count me as a writer, why are you living with me? 341 00:40:52,720 --> 00:40:54,680 Why don't you say stop? 342 00:40:54,920 --> 00:41:01,120 Stop! Stop, yeah. Very good. 343 00:41:08,280 --> 00:41:12,920 I remember visiting Tartu. Sometimes I went there, called him 344 00:41:13,120 --> 00:41:17,560 that let's meet in this or that cafe, and we took a bottle of vodka. 345 00:41:17,720 --> 00:41:19,880 It was terribly nice to talk. 346 00:41:21,920 --> 00:41:24,760 Just discuss the matters of the world. 347 00:41:26,120 --> 00:41:30,320 He was a good person to talk to. It's a rare quality. 348 00:41:39,000 --> 00:41:44,000 14. March 1972 349 00:42:31,360 --> 00:42:37,680 At night, they drank, made noise, shat all over the communal outhouse. 350 00:42:37,920 --> 00:42:42,760 Come and see! See, that's a communal outhouse! 351 00:42:42,880 --> 00:42:46,640 My heart will not stand to clean this outhouse. 352 00:42:58,920 --> 00:43:02,480 When Müller shat all over, Ehin should have told me in the morning. 353 00:43:02,600 --> 00:43:05,840 He went to toilet at 7.30, but didn't say a word. 354 00:43:14,000 --> 00:43:18,400 And one thing he has written in an interesting way himself 355 00:43:18,640 --> 00:43:26,200 and what I sense in the writings of my mother, also very good ones, 356 00:43:26,360 --> 00:43:31,880 is that the most painful, most simple, the best pieces are about things 357 00:43:32,040 --> 00:43:34,240 you have experienced yourself. 358 00:43:34,680 --> 00:43:39,840 The stories he so to say made up, they are not as good. 359 00:43:40,160 --> 00:43:46,360 He used to say that he didn't like made-up fantasy stories, 360 00:43:46,920 --> 00:43:50,720 he liked it when a person had lived all of it. 361 00:43:51,280 --> 00:43:54,160 For instance, historical novel was nonsense for him, 362 00:43:54,280 --> 00:43:57,920 because the writer had not lived what he is writing about. 363 00:43:58,600 --> 00:44:04,680 Excerpt from the short story "To a Small Town" 364 00:44:27,800 --> 00:44:35,360 Son, try on these shoes of size 43. 365 00:44:35,560 --> 00:44:37,800 Do you think I'm stupid, old man? 366 00:44:38,120 --> 00:44:40,960 I knew yesterday that you didn't want to buy a suit. 367 00:44:41,800 --> 00:44:43,720 Why'd you bring me here? 368 00:44:47,360 --> 00:44:51,280 You wanted to come. I came with you. 369 00:44:54,720 --> 00:44:59,440 If you don't know exactly why you came with me to the small town, don't say. 370 00:44:59,760 --> 00:45:01,760 I'm not making you lie. 371 00:45:02,440 --> 00:45:06,280 You don't say? You'll have the chance. 372 00:45:07,520 --> 00:45:09,240 Leave me alone. 373 00:45:11,720 --> 00:45:14,480 I'll stay at the countryside for the whole winter holiday. 374 00:45:14,640 --> 00:45:16,880 I won't leave the village until you haven't told 375 00:45:17,000 --> 00:45:19,520 why did you come to the small town. 376 00:45:29,520 --> 00:45:35,040 Maybe because I have never been to the small town with you. 377 00:45:55,160 --> 00:46:00,920 And then I realised that this is the type of writer I don't know yet, 378 00:46:01,120 --> 00:46:03,920 haven't met before. 379 00:46:06,240 --> 00:46:11,040 In his writings he somewhat copied life, somewhat changed it, 380 00:46:11,800 --> 00:46:17,640 but always manipulating very boldly with real people. 381 00:46:18,800 --> 00:46:23,680 29. December 1971 382 00:46:26,720 --> 00:46:29,760 Son, try on these shoes of size 43. 383 00:46:29,960 --> 00:46:31,480 Do you think I'm stupid, old man? 384 00:46:31,600 --> 00:46:33,800 I knew yesterday that you didn't want to buy a suit. 385 00:46:33,880 --> 00:46:37,080 Why'd you bring me here? - You wanted to come. I came with you. 386 00:46:37,160 --> 00:46:41,240 If you don't know exactly why you came with me to the small town, don't say. 387 00:46:41,440 --> 00:46:45,200 I'm not making you lie. You don't say? You'll have the chance. 388 00:46:45,320 --> 00:46:46,440 Leave me alone. 389 00:46:46,640 --> 00:46:49,480 I'll stay at the countryside for the whole winter holiday. 390 00:46:49,600 --> 00:46:52,440 I won't leave the village until you haven't told 391 00:46:52,560 --> 00:46:55,000 why did you come to the small town. 392 00:47:14,400 --> 00:47:19,640 Maybe because I have never been to the small town with you. 393 00:47:30,960 --> 00:47:39,640 I think Vahing provoked his mates and colleagues to go beyond borders. 394 00:47:40,440 --> 00:47:43,000 And observed what will happen. 395 00:47:45,920 --> 00:47:47,960 This was his special interest. 396 00:47:51,680 --> 00:47:55,000 He was theatre mad, too. He went to the theatre very often, 397 00:47:55,160 --> 00:48:00,720 this is in his 'Diaries', too, he was with practical theatre people. 398 00:48:08,960 --> 00:48:11,720 They tried to invoke madness. 399 00:48:11,920 --> 00:48:15,920 I remember these long hours in theatre studio, 400 00:48:16,000 --> 00:48:23,680 these études and games there, going on until early hours. 401 00:48:23,880 --> 00:48:26,160 You are tired enough from the day 402 00:48:26,520 --> 00:48:29,920 and while doing these things then at night, 403 00:48:30,000 --> 00:48:32,960 some other parts of you will come to play. 404 00:48:51,520 --> 00:48:55,000 The notion of play or Spiel was a very important key word 405 00:48:55,040 --> 00:49:00,400 in the theatre innovation of late 60's and early 70's. 406 00:49:00,680 --> 00:49:05,480 A very important concept for Vahing was 407 00:49:05,600 --> 00:49:12,000 that in a sense, play opens up our true nature 408 00:49:12,160 --> 00:49:16,880 better than trying to behave very normally. 409 00:49:17,000 --> 00:49:19,640 When we are behaving normally, 410 00:49:19,840 --> 00:49:24,480 then we have all these social norms restricting us. 411 00:49:24,640 --> 00:49:27,400 But when we set ourselves free as a child in playing, 412 00:49:27,520 --> 00:49:32,200 then these masks will fall. And taking off these masks 413 00:49:32,360 --> 00:49:35,920 was one of the principles of the theatre innovation, 414 00:49:36,000 --> 00:49:38,880 one of the ideologists of which Vaino was. 415 00:49:56,120 --> 00:49:58,080 Did he tear off people's masks? 416 00:49:59,000 --> 00:50:02,640 I wouldn't say he wanted to tear them off. 417 00:50:02,920 --> 00:50:06,000 He maybe wanted to open people in a different way. 418 00:50:06,080 --> 00:50:08,280 He reproached me for that. 419 00:50:08,400 --> 00:50:10,720 He understood that in that sense, I'm closed up. 420 00:50:10,920 --> 00:50:14,160 He said that I never say what I think subconsciously, 421 00:50:14,560 --> 00:50:18,000 that I always play some role. 422 00:50:22,160 --> 00:50:27,000 People meet reality in borderline situations. 423 00:50:27,160 --> 00:50:31,760 In complicated situation where tension is up to maximum. 424 00:50:31,960 --> 00:50:39,760 Then the unimportant will part and you see what is really important. 425 00:51:19,160 --> 00:51:24,920 He tried the resistance of the protective layer of a person, 426 00:51:25,200 --> 00:51:31,640 and tried to penetrate it, to see the vulnerability of that person. 427 00:51:56,520 --> 00:52:05,400 And Vahing cast his Jung and psychoanalytical way to people 428 00:52:05,560 --> 00:52:09,920 into Estonian culture so visibly that when we are talking 429 00:52:10,040 --> 00:52:13,800 about the coming of psychoanalysis into Estonian culture, 430 00:52:13,920 --> 00:52:18,040 then Vahing is there like a huge rock. 431 00:52:29,760 --> 00:52:32,520 My social role was now divided. 432 00:52:32,880 --> 00:52:36,720 Namely, I'd count the roles I had then: 433 00:52:36,880 --> 00:52:43,560 a practising psychiatrist, a young scientist and a beginning author. 434 00:52:45,640 --> 00:52:48,680 I started knowingly to play with the social roles. 435 00:52:48,800 --> 00:52:50,600 And I played a forest brother 436 00:52:50,720 --> 00:52:53,680 in Peeter Simm's graduation film "Bush Devil". 437 00:52:53,840 --> 00:52:55,200 The film was shot in Lihula. 438 00:52:55,400 --> 00:52:57,800 At the same time, I had lectures in the university, 439 00:52:57,960 --> 00:53:01,360 I supervised practical lessons and was in the shootings in Lihula. 440 00:53:01,600 --> 00:53:05,320 It became more and more complicated and there was no way back. 441 00:53:05,840 --> 00:53:12,000 Then I took up a role in 'The Nest of Winds' by Olav Neuland, 442 00:53:12,120 --> 00:53:14,800 playing the leader of forest brothers. 443 00:53:28,080 --> 00:53:32,400 The obvious question arises, how could the Chair of Psychiatry take all this, 444 00:53:32,600 --> 00:53:35,240 considering that I was an assistant professor. 445 00:53:35,360 --> 00:53:41,120 It's none of my business, but they tolerated it until the last drop. 446 00:53:41,520 --> 00:53:44,760 Until they discovered that I had also done some modelling. 447 00:53:44,960 --> 00:53:52,040 Indeed, I was in a modelling film along with others in 1975, 448 00:53:52,240 --> 00:53:56,160 and afterwards, there was a brochure published from this material. 449 00:53:58,920 --> 00:54:01,960 Then the head of the Chair said that you know, Vahing, 450 00:54:02,040 --> 00:54:05,200 you are not sure what social role you find essential. 451 00:54:05,320 --> 00:54:08,840 Aren't you ashamed, worried about your social reputation? 452 00:54:17,520 --> 00:54:20,520 He wanted to suffer, he enjoyed it. 453 00:54:20,760 --> 00:54:23,920 Maybe in order to write about his suffering afterwards, 454 00:54:24,040 --> 00:54:30,640 in a way, he staged his stories and plays and then wrote them down. 455 00:54:31,040 --> 00:54:40,040 Excerpt from short story "Blind and Deaf Saucers" 456 00:54:41,040 --> 00:54:43,280 Meat maybe? 457 00:54:45,680 --> 00:54:47,040 I wouldn't like meat. 458 00:54:48,640 --> 00:54:49,920 Fried fish? 459 00:54:50,120 --> 00:54:51,480 Fish, neither... 460 00:54:54,840 --> 00:54:56,080 You know... 461 00:54:57,320 --> 00:55:02,720 Let's begin with potatoes then. I'll serve them for you. 462 00:55:02,880 --> 00:55:05,240 And you say when there's enough. 463 00:55:20,320 --> 00:55:22,120 Enough. 464 00:55:29,840 --> 00:55:34,240 Go on, potatoes are almost cold anyway, they tend to get blue. 465 00:55:34,400 --> 00:55:39,960 Just potatoes sort of aren't enough. Something is missing. 466 00:55:43,880 --> 00:55:49,080 Bread? White bread... Sauce? - Sauce maybe. 467 00:55:49,880 --> 00:55:52,240 Right, sauce, naturally. 468 00:55:54,400 --> 00:56:01,760 Much sauce, white and bland. 469 00:56:26,840 --> 00:56:29,040 Why aren't you eating? Out of stubbornness? 470 00:56:29,080 --> 00:56:31,400 No, I have no appetite. 471 00:56:33,600 --> 00:56:36,880 What appetite? 472 00:56:37,200 --> 00:56:43,560 I can't eat these air... Air dishes. 473 00:56:54,200 --> 00:56:57,920 Me and these Spiel's. I wasn't interested, 474 00:56:58,040 --> 00:57:01,560 because what's there to play, better talk. 475 00:57:06,400 --> 00:57:12,800 Playing with human psyche in so very complicated way... 476 00:57:15,200 --> 00:57:19,000 I mean, why? 477 00:57:19,600 --> 00:57:23,720 I don't know that. There are that kind of martyr-minded people. 478 00:57:24,880 --> 00:57:30,800 Why in Russia, the religious sufferers wore fetters on bare skin, 479 00:57:30,960 --> 00:57:36,200 so that they were heavy and painful 480 00:57:36,400 --> 00:57:43,520 and why some Muslims whip blood out of their backs. 481 00:58:05,120 --> 00:58:10,280 Towards the end, I wasn't in contact with Vaino too much, 482 00:58:10,680 --> 00:58:15,400 there was no point, all that blabbering and discussing 483 00:58:15,520 --> 00:58:18,480 and some bleeding Freuds and Jungs and so on... 484 00:58:27,840 --> 00:58:34,000 Stepping steps, heavy, heavy, A command: shoot, shoot. 485 00:58:34,120 --> 00:58:38,600 Wind howling, fierce wind, Bullet hits, soul bullet 486 00:58:38,840 --> 00:58:44,600 Mouth searching - a kiss, a kiss, Soul weeping, loyalty, loyalty. 487 00:58:45,200 --> 00:58:49,160 Wind howling, fierce, fierce, Bullet hits, soul, soul. 488 00:58:51,080 --> 00:58:56,280 It's as if he knew that his games with people and thoughts 489 00:58:56,440 --> 00:59:00,080 may not be so great, but rather childish in a sense, 490 00:59:00,280 --> 00:59:04,720 pesky and disgusting in a way, and they bring sorrow. 491 00:59:04,920 --> 00:59:10,240 But he knew very clearly that if there's not that drive towards thought, 492 00:59:10,400 --> 00:59:14,440 then there's nothing left, just an empty potato field. 493 00:59:30,880 --> 00:59:35,800 These are the things I'd take with me from Vahing's world conception. 494 00:59:35,960 --> 00:59:40,000 Everything you do, do it with your own blood, existentially, 495 00:59:40,120 --> 00:59:42,000 play on your existence. 496 00:59:42,080 --> 00:59:49,160 And the other thing is that if you don't care to play on your existence, 497 00:59:49,320 --> 00:59:51,240 then there's nothing, there's emptiness. 498 01:00:16,120 --> 01:00:20,920 25. April 1979, Mati Unt speaking. 499 01:00:21,800 --> 01:00:28,800 I notice that in your fight with harmony, with women, with yourself, 500 01:00:28,960 --> 01:00:33,680 there are overdone moments, luxurious perhaps for yourself, too. 501 01:00:34,200 --> 01:00:39,320 I have discovered that harmony can extend mind 502 01:00:39,520 --> 01:00:42,520 as effectively as a crime or a perversity. 503 01:00:42,880 --> 01:00:47,680 Let me recommend the same for you. I know that you are capable. 504 01:00:47,800 --> 01:00:55,040 You are, even if your routine, your duty, your type is not harmonious, 505 01:00:55,800 --> 01:00:58,320 it's a scream from the bottom of dissonances. 506 01:01:12,880 --> 01:01:14,280 But what is art? 507 01:01:15,640 --> 01:01:19,840 Well, it may be a kind of mental disorder. 508 01:01:22,000 --> 01:01:27,520 All the theatre people, are they healthy or are they sick? 509 01:01:28,440 --> 01:01:33,960 Not everyone would climb to a stage to do such... 510 01:01:34,960 --> 01:01:39,160 But some do all the time, 511 01:01:42,600 --> 01:01:47,040 and as soon as he is on the stage, he is reborn, he is someone else. 512 01:01:47,160 --> 01:01:49,040 So who is he really? 513 01:01:49,640 --> 01:01:57,960 I think that he constantly strived towards it, 514 01:01:58,520 --> 01:02:02,760 towards some kind of light, towards his literature. 515 01:02:02,880 --> 01:02:08,000 In order to do it like no one else has done, to do it in a special way. 516 01:02:08,200 --> 01:02:10,520 He took it very seriously. 517 01:02:10,760 --> 01:02:14,600 He sacrificed himself as a human to literature. 518 01:02:15,040 --> 01:02:17,120 And there, the contradiction occurred. 519 01:02:17,320 --> 01:02:23,360 The human lost this game, this play, this Spiel. 520 01:02:25,360 --> 01:02:30,200 7. October 1984 521 01:02:31,280 --> 01:02:33,080 I wish that a dream would come 522 01:02:33,200 --> 01:02:35,760 and take me to the world of no criticism, 523 01:02:35,880 --> 01:02:39,000 to the world where the whole word is unknown. 524 01:02:39,120 --> 01:02:46,320 To the world where the word and concept of art does not exist. 525 01:02:49,240 --> 01:02:51,680 Art is... 526 01:02:53,320 --> 01:03:00,760 like they say the black holes in space. It swallows. 527 01:03:02,320 --> 01:03:09,200 There are some secrets or forces in a person, 528 01:03:09,440 --> 01:03:14,840 some fuzzy orders requiring to be executed, 529 01:03:15,080 --> 01:03:18,880 trying to construct, build something. 530 01:03:19,000 --> 01:03:25,000 The simplistic Soviet school of art 531 01:03:25,120 --> 01:03:30,520 was about following or reflecting life, 532 01:03:31,040 --> 01:03:32,800 that superficial life. 533 01:03:32,960 --> 01:03:42,440 But art is a tiny chance for the inner mystery of living creature 534 01:03:42,800 --> 01:03:46,720 to manifest itself. 535 01:03:48,280 --> 01:03:52,920 18. May 1972 536 01:04:03,440 --> 01:04:06,080 Instead of a child, give me the Bible. 537 01:04:11,280 --> 01:04:13,920 Any female can give me a son, 538 01:04:14,000 --> 01:04:16,520 but only you can give me the Bible, my love. 539 01:04:17,240 --> 01:04:19,040 I don't give you anything. 540 01:04:19,680 --> 01:04:24,120 I don't have faith, God or fatherly love. 541 01:04:25,640 --> 01:04:28,000 Because they are not given just like that. 542 01:04:29,920 --> 01:04:31,200 At any time, 543 01:04:32,280 --> 01:04:33,560 to anyone, 544 01:04:34,960 --> 01:04:36,240 just in case. 545 01:04:45,120 --> 01:04:48,520 I think I managed to get quite close to him. 546 01:04:48,920 --> 01:04:55,000 And it's in a way tragic, as he was a very difficult person to get close. 547 01:04:55,520 --> 01:05:00,200 But I pretty much picked him open and then left him. 548 01:05:00,280 --> 01:05:03,000 And it was very sad for all of us. 549 01:05:03,280 --> 01:05:08,000 I almost skinned him, and left, and that's not supposed to happen. 550 01:05:08,560 --> 01:05:10,280 This is my guilt, my sin. 551 01:05:10,400 --> 01:05:15,400 But why I left is, of course, his sin. These are the debts. 552 01:05:37,520 --> 01:05:42,080 20. August 1973 553 01:06:22,720 --> 01:06:25,240 It stinks too much here even for me. 554 01:06:26,440 --> 01:06:33,640 Cupboards and pots full of mold, bedclothes reeking of rot. 555 01:06:35,200 --> 01:06:37,000 Why is it so, Vaino? 556 01:06:38,840 --> 01:06:41,040 I think your life is complicated enough, 557 01:06:42,000 --> 01:06:48,560 it does not need to be surrounded with such a decadent environment. 558 01:06:51,200 --> 01:06:55,480 A man's life can be dirty, but his home must be clean. 559 01:06:59,640 --> 01:07:01,800 Dear Vaino, 560 01:07:02,520 --> 01:07:09,000 I'd like to see you in a clean white room again. 561 01:07:14,960 --> 01:07:22,120 Excerpt from the short story "Machiavelli's Letters to His Daughter" 562 01:07:23,360 --> 01:07:28,560 I'm drinking, dear daughter, I'm an alcoholic. 563 01:07:29,600 --> 01:07:33,320 I drink a bottle of wine in a day, sometimes two. 564 01:07:34,880 --> 01:07:39,320 I'm drinking cognac, vodka 565 01:07:39,880 --> 01:07:42,760 I go to work, I drink alone, 566 01:07:42,920 --> 01:07:45,160 as I'm living only in dreams. 567 01:07:47,360 --> 01:07:50,360 Then I become emotional and burst into tears, 568 01:07:52,000 --> 01:07:57,280 you know, in the back room where everything is green. 569 01:07:58,600 --> 01:08:02,920 I cry and talk to you on the green carpet. 570 01:08:03,600 --> 01:08:05,880 Then I feel good and pathetic. 571 01:08:07,600 --> 01:08:11,520 But it doesn't get any easier, not until I get completely drunk... 572 01:08:11,640 --> 01:08:14,440 A sword in one, philosophy in other hand. 573 01:08:15,560 --> 01:08:18,120 And then there is no escape from self-justification, 574 01:08:18,160 --> 01:08:20,240 although I seldom scream. 575 01:08:20,319 --> 01:08:22,960 I scream that I have not beaten your mother, 576 01:08:23,080 --> 01:08:25,880 but there is no one to hear and believe. 577 01:08:30,120 --> 01:08:34,120 In fact, I have written about it before, to you and to others. 578 01:08:34,319 --> 01:08:36,040 But no one believes. 579 01:08:36,720 --> 01:08:40,040 I beat her when you were not born yet, but that's no excuse. 580 01:08:40,200 --> 01:08:44,800 You came later, you brought me spring, summer and autumn 581 01:08:45,600 --> 01:08:51,840 and left me alone in the green room for winter. 582 01:09:06,359 --> 01:09:08,040 Reading these 'Machiavelli's Letters'... 583 01:09:08,200 --> 01:09:13,399 At first, when I was smaller, I read them more like literary fiction. 584 01:09:13,600 --> 01:09:18,960 But now, when father is gone, and I reread them, 585 01:09:19,040 --> 01:09:23,680 I'm reading them with different pain 586 01:09:24,359 --> 01:09:28,760 and tears in my eyes. 587 01:09:29,880 --> 01:09:34,880 He says there that you can't write about pain in ABC book language. 588 01:09:35,000 --> 01:09:37,800 We'll get back to this pain again. 589 01:09:42,359 --> 01:09:47,279 These debts of soul are, in fact, our debts to other people, 590 01:09:47,720 --> 01:09:52,040 and when Vaino had died 591 01:09:52,439 --> 01:09:56,240 and his coffin was brought to the stage of Vanemuine theatre, 592 01:09:56,400 --> 01:10:04,000 then I went to him and apologised for all my unfairness to him, 593 01:10:04,200 --> 01:10:08,440 for all these debts my soul had to him. 594 01:10:08,880 --> 01:10:14,280 And forgave him everything bad he had done to me, his debts. 595 01:10:25,120 --> 01:10:30,160 While living, Vahing is said to be most of all a searcher. 596 01:10:31,200 --> 01:10:34,800 He searched from the very place for the very same thing 597 01:10:34,960 --> 01:10:39,200 that Christian church had searched few thousands of years before him. 598 01:10:40,160 --> 01:10:44,760 He searched the original image and command of the doctrine of love. 599 01:10:49,680 --> 01:10:55,080 He managed to pick his time for leaving. It was on Good Friday. 600 01:10:56,760 --> 01:11:00,000 I don't think it's a coincidence, 601 01:11:00,120 --> 01:11:04,320 I think there are some connections, some interesting connections. 602 01:11:10,440 --> 01:11:16,760 He once said about Jesus and had some thought about this... 603 01:11:16,920 --> 01:11:26,720 About man being an embodiment or parallel of Jesus Christ 604 01:11:26,920 --> 01:11:30,760 and of himself along with all his suffering. There was this. 605 01:11:30,880 --> 01:11:34,520 And I remember him saying once 606 01:11:34,600 --> 01:11:40,160 that he is feeling like Jesus Christ. 607 01:11:40,760 --> 01:11:43,440 He also studied himself, 608 01:11:43,720 --> 01:11:49,960 searched for the reason why he, like God, 609 01:11:50,080 --> 01:11:52,640 has to love everyone else. 610 01:11:52,760 --> 01:11:59,600 Why is he, a loving God, not loved back equally? 611 01:12:01,760 --> 01:12:03,760 In the end of his searches, 612 01:12:03,920 --> 01:12:09,600 I think he understood the impossibility of finding the ultimate love. 613 01:12:09,840 --> 01:12:15,480 An unprecedented loneliness 614 01:12:15,680 --> 01:12:18,960 inside one's soul, an urge to flee. 615 01:12:19,160 --> 01:12:21,600 To flee, but where to? 616 01:12:22,760 --> 01:12:27,400 1. January 1975 617 01:12:30,600 --> 01:12:34,280 I guess it leads to throat cutting, 618 01:12:34,880 --> 01:12:39,160 and I think it's very beautiful. 619 01:12:40,880 --> 01:12:46,760 We set up the blood dishes and we know who we are cutting. 620 01:12:48,840 --> 01:12:56,240 I'm very sure now, as I'm feeling that there are men 621 01:12:56,840 --> 01:13:03,560 against whom my force will not suffice, unless we let the blood to the dishes. 622 01:13:05,160 --> 01:13:10,400 And we pour and make blood sausages! 623 01:13:11,960 --> 01:13:16,240 Don't tell me all the time, dear lad, that you eat white sausage. 624 01:13:16,560 --> 01:13:18,320 Eat blood sausage! 625 01:13:20,920 --> 01:13:24,040 Go to the market, bring a litre! 626 01:13:24,200 --> 01:13:27,560 I'll make a bloodless sausage out of you, 627 01:13:28,360 --> 01:13:32,520 I'll make it! I'll make it. 628 01:13:33,800 --> 01:13:37,880 Violence is truly a grim business. - It is! 629 01:13:39,000 --> 01:13:41,000 It's the only thing that kills. 630 01:13:41,040 --> 01:13:45,440 After the violence, love will begin! Life will begin! Money will begin! 631 01:13:45,720 --> 01:13:48,760 I'm telling you. - Degeneration will begin! 632 01:13:48,960 --> 01:13:51,480 What do I have to tell you? - You do! 633 01:13:51,840 --> 01:13:56,480 I have nothing to tell. - You have! A lot! 634 01:13:57,200 --> 01:13:59,560 Start from where the degeneration begins. 635 01:13:59,760 --> 01:14:02,480 This is where a woman begins, where love begins. 636 01:14:02,800 --> 01:14:05,000 I don't know what to say about that. 637 01:14:05,280 --> 01:14:11,200 Listen, may I drink? May I? I don't want anything like this... 638 01:14:19,840 --> 01:14:22,840 Hey, Vahing... - Don't disturb me now! 639 01:14:24,160 --> 01:14:28,600 I'm drinking to you and if you disturb me, then it's excess. 640 01:14:28,960 --> 01:14:31,240 Excess it is indeed! 641 01:14:31,760 --> 01:14:37,520 I've started to speak in verse. And thank God, the verses saved me. 642 01:14:37,720 --> 01:14:39,480 Cheers! - Thank you. 643 01:14:39,680 --> 01:14:43,240 Let's drink. Let's drink like we used to. 644 01:14:44,440 --> 01:14:45,840 If you don't make up with me, 645 01:14:45,960 --> 01:14:48,640 there will be a terrible scandal outside you. 646 01:15:14,440 --> 01:15:22,480 You shall find your paths, you shall absolve yourself otherwise. 647 01:15:24,640 --> 01:15:28,040 You shall absolve yourself otherwise. 648 01:15:31,920 --> 01:15:36,080 What shall I forgive you? 649 01:15:37,520 --> 01:15:40,280 For I love you, Vahing.