Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull
I have a theory:
hating someone feels disturbingly like falling in
love with them.
Your stomach twists and flips, your appetite and sleep are
shredded, your heart beats heavy and bright,
nearly visible through your flesh and clothes.
Can you please hold the elevator?
- Sorry. - Ooh!
Already in motion.
But...
Every interaction spikes your blood with
adrenaline...
Ugh!
And your body is barely under your control.
This used to be the home of Gamin Publishing,
known for its insistence on literature as art...
until a year ago, faced with bankruptcy,
it was forced to merge with Bexley Books,
an evil empire known for ghostwritten autobiographies of
brain-damaged sports stars.
Make no mistake: the Bexleys and Gamins are at war.
As for American Psycho over there playing the copycat game
for no reason but to piss me off...
yeah, hate him with a passion.
I mean, sure, he's easy on the eyes,
but don't let that fool you.
As Shakespeare would say:
Sometimes, fair is foul.
My reasons for hating Joshua Templeman are several.
One: I have never seen him smile.
Oh, hi!
You must be Josh.
I hear we'll be working together.
Oh!
I got you a plan for your desk.
Two: he's a total control freak.
Just look at his desk.
I mean, the guy wears the same shirts in the same order every
week.
Monday: dove gray.
Tuesday: white.
Wednesday: powder blue.
Thursday: window pane blue.
And Friday: true blue.
Reason number three: he always corrects any tiny mistake I
make.
Four, and perhaps most importantly: after the merger,
he waltzed in with a list of people to fire and it included
all my work friends...
which were all my friends.
So now, I'm trapped here, day after endless day,
all alone with my one maniacal nemesis.
Hi, good morning.
Good morning.
Has Bexley seen this?
I emailed it to Josh, so I'm assuming.
We're adding something at the top of the agenda.
Okay, do you want me to adjust it?
No, this is fine.
I'd rather it be a surprise.
Quarterlies?
On your desk.
How do they look?
Eh, lower than projected.
But they are better than Q2.
And I talked to the marketing team about alternative print
strategies, which I really think could help moving forward.
And I sent you a memo about a company-wide team-building event
that I'm planning.
But workers would rather eat rat skeletons than participate
in group activities.
Agreed, but HR has been overwhelmed with complaints
since the merger.
Half of which are about you and Josh.
Don't mind her.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
Well, you'd be all alone with Satan and his hell hound.
- See you inside. - Okay.
Lucy!
I am so glad that I caught you.
I was hoping that I can ask you for, like, a tiny favor?
I need an extension on the monthly report.
My new puppy ate peanut butter last night and she's totally
allergic.
She put the "poo" in "Cockapoo," if you know what I mean.
Sure.
Of course.
You're the best.
I'll have it Monday, Wednesday at the latest.
That was pathetic.
Brrt.
Who is Joshua Templeman?
You know, Lucinda, you could just tell her to do her job,
but no, you have to be the good guy.
It's a lot better than being the asshole.
Happy Thanksgiving!
'Kay.
- Cupcake? - Oh.
- Thanks. - You're welcome.
You want one?
You remembered my birthday!
Of course!
Our...
little birthday turkey.
Yay!
Happy birthday.
Ooh...
You know, I watched this insane documentary last
night.
Three AM, YouTube rabbit hole, "History of Baking."
Did you know that DaVinci invented the blender?
I invented pizza plate.
It's a second pizza you put under your first pizza to catch
the crumbs.
All right, can we please get started?
Or do you need another minute to chit-chat?
No, we're good to go.
Oh, your tie's crooked.
Okay, thank you all for being here the day before
Thanksgiving.
I know some of you are traveling so we'll...
Check this out.
Richard!
So we'll try to keep this short.
Yes, and Friday after Thanksgiving will not be a paid
holiday, FYI.
Okay, Richard and I have an announcement to make:
we're adding a new position to the team.
Yes, we're going to be hiring a managing director who will
oversee each department and he will report to me.
He or she will report to both of us.
The job is open to external applicants, naturally, but...
I'd very much like to hire from within.
Yeah, we will be putting together an independent panel
since we don't always see eye-to-eye.
The final candidates will make their presentations to the board
after the New Year.
May the best man win.
That job is mine, Shortcake.
Oh, your confidence is compelling,
but you forget one thing.
- Hm? - Everyone hates you.
Oh, they don't hate me, they fear me,
which makes me effective.
You know, when I'm your boss,
I will require you to do everything I say with a smile.
When I'm your boss, I'm gonna work you so hard that you start
using the office as your home address.
When I'm your boss, I will enforce casual Fridays.
Hawaiian shirts mandatory.
When I'm your boss, I'm implementing a new dress code.
No more looking like an elementary school librarian.
If you get the job, I'll resign.
- Really? - Just like you will if I do.
- I don't quit. - Then I'll fire you.
Ah, but I'm incapable of giving you that pleasure.
Aw, it's not the first time you've said that to a woman,
is it?
Then we agree: if one of us gets the job,
the other has to quit.
Fine, agreed.
Oh, hey, Danny.
I come bearing gifts.
- Oh! - Oh, sorry.
Shoulda... waited for some eye contact.
The new book!
That's so nice of you, thank you.
Designers got some advanced copies,
so... no big deal.
Oh, no.
This is the cover?
Sorry, Bexley made us do it.
The book's about an archaeologist with autism.
I mean, does he even read the jackets?
Doubtful.
Oh!
And, uh, this came for you in the mail,
so I took the liberty to...
Oh!
0 for two.
Are you ordering your tiny clothes online again?
Just a box small enough for your withered heart.
- Ah... - Bet it's another Smurf.
Another Smurf?
As in multiple Smurfs?
So is this like a Smurf village that you're putting together?
- Are you doing little, like... - Okay, just...
Smurf Army Civil War reenactments?
Oh, she's got the whole collection.
How adorable.
Will you shut up?
Thank you for the delivery, Danny.
Anytime.
Yes, Danny, thank you so much.
You got it, JT.
Well...
catch you dreamboats on the flip.
- Hit it. - No.
Okay.
Bye.
That poor sap thinks you're flirting with him.
The same way people think you're flirting with me?
Shortcake, if I was flirting with you,
you would know it.
I didn't know frat boys knew how to flirt.
I thought they just roofied girls' drinks.
Mm-hm.
Yeah, no, I understand but we're doing smaller hardcover runs.
No, no, no, same print run, just distributed differently.
Sure, I will put you through to accounting.
Ugh!
What?
Richard!
I have a copy of the new book for you.
Ah!
Hey!
Dr. Josh, you didn't tell me it was in.
'Stripping Time.'
Cover's all me, you know.
It really grabs ya, right?
Mm, yes, it's... it's definitely eye-catching.
Yeah.
You got my tee time set up for tomorrow, Josh?
8:30.
Good man.
I gotta go work on my stroke.
See you kids in the morning.
All right, goodnight!
Out.
Dick.
It's not 'Stripping Time, ' it's 'Stripping Time!'
This has nothing to do with strippers.
I swear, that guy's like the worst version of the worst
version of himself.
Did you seriously just refer to the cover as "eye-catching?"
Looks like it was designed by a horny fifth grader.
Not exactly consistent with the tone of the novel.
Since when do you read the books we publish?
I was just trying to fill my Good Reads quota.
Oh, your one book of the year?
You do know comic books don't count, right?
I fell asleep three times reading the first page.
Well, it is exhausting to read above your grade level.
Maybe you're not ready for chapter books yet.
It was boring.
It was a masterpiece before Bexley cut 200 pages to make it
more of an airport read.
At least he kept in some of the landscape descriptions.
Oh, yeah, it was thrilling reading about the topography of
Fort Ticonderoga.
Whatever, I loved it.
So, big Thanksgiving plans?
You gonna be posting some Smurf fanfic and eating cranberry
sauce out of a can?
And what about the Templeman family?
Drinking the blood of a virgin and then staring at each other
in silence?
Oh, how'd you know?
We're looking for donations.
Oh, hi, Jeanette!
Oh, I love those earrings.
Don't even try.
Four complaints this week, four!
Three about the break room incident on Monday.
Here we go.
Are we ready for our lesson?
Okay?
This is a comma, and this is a period.
When you take a period and...
You better put that doughnut hole away or I'm gonna shove it
up your semicolon!
You'd like that, wouldn't you, Shrimp?
Mommy and Daddy fight sometimes.
We have discussions.
Like how Mommy constantly forgets to CC Daddy on
company-wide memos.
Or how Daddy has a cork up his ass about the format of
quarterly reports.
Mommy and Daddy?
Are you serious?
You two are the worst part of my job.
There are literally millions of guys in
this city.
Well, it's not that easy to find a good one.
What about that guy from work?
Who, Josh?
Honey, you talk about him all the time.
I do not.
I just worry about you all alone.
I know, Mom.
I'm fine.
Well, we miss you, Sweetie.
Yeah, I do too.
Hey, look, Mom, I gotta go.
I'm walking out the door; I'm gonna meet the girls for some
drinks.
But I'll call you tomorrow, okay?
All right, love you, Pumpkin.
I love you, too.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Happy Smurfs are all alike.
But Unhappy Smurfs are all unhappy in their own ways.
Smurfette pondered this as she watched Grouchy Smurf squash a
strawberry under his shiny boot,
grumbling to himself about the un-Smurfiness of the world.
I'm gonna work you so fucking hard.
Son of a bitch.
Wowzers, what's the occasion?
Psychological warfare.
Time to get into his head.
Ow.
Smooth, Shortcake.
Ugh, shut up.
What is this?
Travel shot glass?
That...
would be a menstrual cup.
Right.
My next guess.
What?
These are better for the environment,
and tampons are dangerous.
You know what?
No, this is none of your business.
Hot date tonight?
I might.
Ugh.
Ow!
Fuck!
Duck!
You are weirder than normal today.
Pressure of the job application getting to you?
I...
had some weird dreams last night.
You had a sex dream.
No.
Was I in it?-
Only in your dreams would you ever be in my dreams.
Okay.
It was a... little erotic.
I was in bed...
naked, and there was a man...
pressing up against me.
I could feel him...
you know.
I think you're gonna have to spell it out for me.
Well, I guess I just...
feel weird because it is a guy from work.
Ooh!
Hot date guy?
As a matter of fact...
Am I gonna have to notify HR?
...because of what we did.
We are drowning in remainders!
We have more remainders of that insipid sports memoir than we do
of Jocelyn's book!
Because we print more because they actually make money.
Because God forbid we actually invest in something artistically
worthwhile!
You know what your problem is, Helen?
You think it's below you to give people what they actually want.
Me?
I don't give a shit!
People want a book on donkey farts,
I'll ride the donkey all the way to the bank!
This is what I get for selling my soul to Mephistopheles.
Who?!
Read a book, Bexley!
Fuck!
So...
when are where is this supposed date going to happen?
You are very interested.
Why is that?
Well, studies show when a manager feigns interest in his
employees' personal lives, it boosts morale.
That, and I think you're lying.
I am meeting him for drinks at the AC at seven,
and you will never be my boss.
Well, what a coincidence?
I'm going to the AC tonight...
at seven.
Fan-tastic.
I will see you there.
- Hey! - Oh!
Sorry, I should wear a bell.
Like a cow.
You're not like a cow.
I'm gonna stop talking.
- Hi. - Wait...
Are you moving offices?
Um, just doing a little pre-packing, you know?
Organizing my ducks.
Boop!
What?
No, you're leaving?
Starting my own company.
I cannot believe we are losing another designer.
Bexley's killing us.
Well, I... I still have another week.
Um...
What... what brings you to the... the Dan Cave?
Actually...
uh, I was wondering...
what you're doing tonight.
Oh.
Uh, well, uh, couple of guys are taking me out on the town to
celebrate my old departure.
But tomorrow, I'm free as a beaver.
- Mm... - That's not an expression.
Yeah, no, I... I'm gonna be swamped this weekend,
and actually, all of next week and the next week with this...
this thing...
for, uh, cats.
Orphaned rescue cats.
Orphaned?
Yes, correct.
It's kind of a big deal and I don't really know when I'm gonna
be available again, so tonight is actually the only night I'm
available for, like, a really long time, so...
All right, I mean, I'll... switch things around,
you know?
It's for the cats.
Great.
Awesome, you are the best.
You're the best.
Oh!
The AC, seven o'clock.
I'll see ya there.
See ya there!
Ow.
I hate Lucy.
Die, Lucy, die?
What the hell?
You too.
Have a good weekend.
Were you just at my desk?
Thought I saw a spider.
Hm.
What were you really doing at my desk?
Like I said, spider.
Hm.
You know what, Joshua?
You are so...
Sharp?
Intelligent?
Superior in every way?
Predictable.
Still going on your date?
Yup, and I should probably get going.
You know, you should start with the virtues of the menstrual
cup.
Guys love that.
Yeah, I just thought I'd tell him I'm not wearing any panties.
Do guys like that?
Do you need a ride?
No, I will walk.
But it's pouring.
I wouldn't want your makeup to smear after you just spent 22
minutes on it in the bathroom.
Has anyone ever told you that you have stalker-like
tendencies?
Oh, so says the girl with the serial killer eyes?
Yeah, only when I imagine strangling you.
What?
Calm down, I'm not actually gonna strangle you.
What are we doing?
What do you mean?
This.
This schoolyard game that we play everyday.
You mean the game where we hate each other?
Do you really hate me?
Everything all right in there?
Sorry.
Just bumped the button.
So am I just taking you home, or...?
No.
I need to go meet Danny still.
What are you talking about?
My date that you are driving me to.
Well, I... I thought...
But Danny?
Look, will you just pull over?
We're still a block away from the bar.
Yeah, I know, I really wanna get out of the car.
Oh...
Hold on, just...
Hey, just wait a second!
Take my umbrell...!
Thing is, Harris, if this were an authentic log cabin,
what you have to do is notch it out up here,
and then probably go with a classic A-frame for aesthetic
and stability.
- Hi! - Hey!
I'm so sorry I'm late.
It is biblically torrential out there.
Huh.
I look like I tried to fight off a tsunami.
You look great wet.
I... I mean you look really beautiful.
I'm really bad at this.
I'll have a Johnny Black, neat.
Bailey's, rocks.
Rough day?
Strange day.
Oh, 'Stripping Time!'
'Stripping Time, ' you're reading it.
What do you think?
You know, they say "Don't judge a book by its cover,"
but in this case, they're both God-awful.
Yeah, I know.
I know!
It's like who wants to read 10 pages about the topography of
- Fort Ticonderoga? - Ticonderoga?
Exactly what I thought!
It's genuinely really bad.
Um, will you just... excuse me one second?
Yeah.
Fuck!
Hey, you all right?
I'm fine.
What are you doing here?
You left your purse in my car.
Whatever, you win.
The "Get in the Other Person's Head" game, okay?!
I mean, you somehow Jedi mind tricked me into kissing you when
I should have just slapped your smug face.
It's been a really good day for you.
What?
I made a mistake, okay?
And if you wanna report me to HR or...
What?
That's what you're worried about?
Josh!
A man just called me "beautiful" and my first thought is to think
that he's messing with me.
Okay?
I feel like I'm going crazy.
So just please go home.
All right, what can I get you?
Hey.
Hey!
Cheers.
All right.
Hey, did I just see Josh?
Uh, oh!
Yeah, I... I left work with a file that he needed.
But don't worry, he is gone.
Hey, so are you and he, like...
I don't know.
I just can't help but feel like there's like a vibe there.
Uh-uh.
- You two? - Uh-uh.
No, no, no.
No vibe.
No vibe there.
Cool, cool, cool.
So, like, this is a real date, then?
I mean, it is, right?
Yeah.
It is definitely real.
Awesome.
So, where are you from?
Vermont.
Green Mountain State, Ethan Allen.
That's right.
Yeah, my parents are strawberry farmers.
What?!
My parents have a hobby farm, too!
I'm talkin' bees, goats, chickens,
the whole thing!
Wait, are you serious?
I am serious.
How did I not know this about you?
I don't know.
But we got Karen and Sharon the sheep,
we got Percy Pig, we got Bonito the queen bee,
and we got Phillip the goat.
You know about goat parkour?
Goat parkour?
- That's correct. - No.
It's the greatest thing you've ever seen in your life.
So Phillip jumps off of any surface pulling this,
like, radical move where he's like,
"Psych, I'm a goat!"
It's the best thing in the w... I have to show it to you.
Do you have pictures?
I don't, actually.
- Sorry. - It's okay.
Yeah, a third of all our food actually comes from
bee-pollinated plants.
- Wow! - Which is... yeah, it's shocking.
- I didn't know that. - Really, so...
Okay, so wait, wait, do you have to wear one of those bee
suits?
To me honest, I'm like Macaulay Culkin in 'My Girl'-level
allergic to bees, so every time I go home,
I have to carry, like, an EpiPen.
No!
Oh, that's so nerdy, I love that.
Says the girl who read 'War and Peace' in the sixth grade!
No, I said I tried.
And that doesn't make me a nerd, okay?
That just makes me precocious.
No, see, that's just nerd talk for bein' a nerd.
No, it's not.
Embrace it.
Hi, who is it?
Delivery for Lucy Hutton.
Oh, okay.
Come on in.
- Thank you. - Have a nice day.
You too.
Lucy?
I'm very sorry.
So sorry you forgot to shower this morning?
Can we please lay down our weapons?
Yeah, okay.
Cease fire.
- Packin' some heat? - Yeah.
I...
come strapped.
Okay, now let's just...
never speak about it again, okay?
So, how was your date?
It was fine.
Yeah, he actually sent me flowers,
which I thought was a very classy move.
Turns out we have a lot in common.
He's really nice.
Mm, yeah, the allure of the nice guy: your white whale.
What's wrong with nice?
Nothing, if that's what you want.
Isn't that what everybody wants?
So it seems.
So, what game should we play now?
I don't know.
How about something where we don't fight all the time?
Oh!
Like the "Normal Colleagues" game.
It would go like this: Good morning, Josh.
Why, good morning, Lucy.
How was your weekend?
Oh, it was lovely, thank you.
Oh, I'll be working on the Walker book today if you need
any help.
Oh, my gosh!
That's so cooperative of you!
You're very welcome, Lucy.
Pfff.
Okay, well, I'll take that as a no.
Lucy, can we talk about your team-building proposal?
Sure.
I booked the conference center and I'm organizing a scavenger
hunt.
I made these tiny books, put little clues inside.
I was kind of inspired by 'Gulliver's Travels'...
you know, Lilliputian books and...
I'm sorry, do you have a better idea?
Well, as a matter of fact, I submitted a proposal of my own.
You did what?
Paintball.
Physical activity, fresh air.
And you come strapped, right?
No.
That sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen.
I felt the same way, but Bexley loved it.
Hell yeah, I love it.
Let everyone work out their issues with guns and ammo like
God the Almighty intended.
We flipped a coin and we're going with paintball.
I'm sorry, Lucy, I know how hard you worked on this.
Son of a bitch!
You just couldn't let me have this, could you?
Could you?!
No problem!
I mean, put down the books, nerds.
Guns are the new...
Whatever's best for B&G, so...
Um, if you would just excuse me a minute.
Tinkerbell on the rag?
Ugh!
Bad date.
Mack attack, ready for battle.
Carl, don't look so scared.
Annabelle!
- Nice muffs. - Thanks!
What was that you were saying about everybody hating me?
And yet, here I am, leading a day of team-building.
Well, bully for you.
Oh!
Luce, cute outfit.
Oh.
Look, I need a tiny favor.
Okay.
My boyfriend's niece is having a rough time:
drugs, illegal stuff, there's an arson thing.
But her mom thinks an internship would do her good.
No, I... I don't think now's a good time for...
Look, I don't wanna beg, but I'm totally gonna beg.
You're the only one that can deal with her.
Well...
Just a couple months, okay?
- Thank you so much! - No...
You know what?
- I'm gonna text her right now. - Oh...
- You are absolutely the best. - No...
Luce, the best.
Oh, my God...
Uh, hey, Luce, I've got this friend and he's looking for a
- new roommate. - Will you shut up?
You think you'd wanna move in with him?
Hey!
Oh!
Pretty fancy gun you got.
JP Splatmaster 1000.
This puppy goes 200 yards...
no ball chop.
Hey, you wanna be teammates?
Yes.
Teams are pre-selected.
All right.
You know, if they're pre-selected.
See ya out there.
Oh, sorry.
- Nice one, Danny. - Helmet.
Guy's a walking catastrophe.
Okay, easy, Tiger, it's his last day.
You look pale.
N... what are you doing?!
You're burnin' up, Shortcake.
I do not know anyone by that name.
You sure you don't wanna sit this one out?
Oh, no.
No, I am not going anywhere.
I am gonna be right here, all up in your grill,
like a Fourth of July picnic.
I am going to annihilate you.
We're on the same team.
Fuck.
All right, listen up!
It's gonna be two teams, orange versus blue,
capture the flag.
Let's go!
Lucy, move out!
Go, go, go, go, go!
Hey, move!
Take down Templeman!
Let's go!
To the right!
Go, go, go, go!
Watch out!
Parkour!
What?!
Don't you go dying on me!
Hi, Danny.
Fall back!
Get the hell out of here!
You guys, Templeman's in the camper!
Ah, shit.
Save yourselves!
Come on, orange team!
Move!
Move up!
Okay, team.
What's the plan?
Wait for my signal.
Wait, what?
What's the signal?
Okay, I'll cover you.
Worry about yourself, GI Joe.
The sniper's got us pinned down.
I got this, Lucy!
What is she doing?!
I didn't signal!
Here comes the pain!
You like that?!
Ahh!
Suck my paintballs, bitches!
Lucy, I did it!
Ow!
Son of a bitch!
Who shoots someone in the back?
I knew I should've gone with the Splatmaster.
Aw, poor Danny.
Mother of dragons, that hurt!
Seriously?!
I'm already out!
Sorry.
Was that really necessary?
All's fair in love and war.
Okay.
I'm gonna make a run for it.
And let you get all the glory?
Hell no, Templeman.
Better act quick, then, Shortcake.
- Come here! - What are you doing?!
You never bring cupcakes!
We're on the same team!
Get off!
Go, Lucy, go!
- Stay down. - What are you doing?
Get off me!
Total domination!
You hurt her!
Oh, my God.
Lucy, I'm sorry, I got carried away.
Stop.
Stop it.
Ugh, get this thing off me.
It's like a million degrees.
Luce, you're sweating.
Oh, my God, is it internal bleeding?
Is she gonna die?
No, she doesn't have a fever because you shot her,
you dick.
Are you okay?
She's fine.
No, I'm fine, don't worry...
- Okay, all right. - Oh, God.
Let's get you up.
Come on, time to go home.
Yeah, paintball's over.
I'm sorry.
All right, here you go.
What are you doing here?
I drove you home.
No, I know.
Why are you...
standing in my apartment right now?
What do you think I was gonna do,
just open the door and kick you out of a moving car?
I'm... fine.
Yeah, okay.
You gonna be sick?
Okay, bathroom, go, go, go, go.
There you go.
Yeah.
Ugh.
Oh, the humanity.
Okay.
Ow.
Sorry.
Ugh.
- Still alive in there? - Yeah.
All right, sit up.
Time to take your temp.
Open up, Rambo.
There you go.
You're in my bedroom.
I'm wearing Sleepysaurus.
Try not to talk, Shortcake.
I know that's hard for you.
Here we go.
102.8.
Ooh, that's not very nice, Mr. Thermometer.
Are you laughing?
Oh, I must be hallucinating.
Sit tight.
I'll be back.
No, there's two of you.
Josh must have gotten wet after midnight.
- Lucy? - Mm.
I'm a doctor.
How are you feeling?
Not so good.
She's got a fever of 103.
All right, let's sit you up.
Okay.
You are really handsome.
Thank you.
People always say Josh is the good-looking one.
Oh, you're his brother.
Oh, you must've wanted to beat him up so much when you were a
kid.
I like her.
Oh, she's very special.
Wait, can you tell me embarrassing things about him?
You must know all the best stuff.
Well, um...
He used to dress up like a dog...
No...
Make our mom walk him around the block.
Oh, my God, this is the best day of my life.
I was a kid, thank you.
He was 12.
No!
Oh, Josh, that's too old.
All right, thank you very much for the house call, Doctor.
Time to go.
Laughter's the best medicine, right?
No...
You did all the right things.
You would've been good at this.
I'm not trying to be a dick, come on.
I'm just saying, you did good.
So...
you ever gonna RSVP?
It's just that, you know, Mindy and I need a final head count.
Yeah, yeah, uh...
I've just been slammed at work.
Sorry.
Look, man...
it's awkward, I get it.
But when your brother gets married, you show up.
Bring a plus one.
Oh yeah, right, 'cause that's what we need:
more witnesses to our absurd family drama.
Keep her fluids up.
Call me if the fever gets worse.
Thank you, Pat.
Thank you, little brother.
- How are we doin'? - Hey.
I brought you a little water.
N... I'm not a baby.
You already broke two glasses earlier,
so better safe than sorry.
There you go.
My mom always gave me strawberry juice when I was
sick.
What did yours do?
Oh, they were always too busy treating other people.
If you weren't in cardiac arrest,
your ailment didn't exactly rank.
Is your whole family doctors?
And surgeons.
Except me.
Has anyone ever told you that you look like a young Dennis
Quaid?
I think it's time to take your temp again, Shortcake.
No, stop calling me that.
Oh, not a chance.
Watching you pretend to hate that nickname is the best part
of my day.
You changed shirts.
You look like an Old Navy model.
My brother brought it for me.
You puked on the other one, remember?
- Oh, yeah. - Mm.
Dove gray, white, powder blue, window pane, true blue.
- What's that? - Your shirts.
Always in the same order.
I guess I am that predictable.
Yeah, you only surprised me once.
- When was that? - The elevator.
And...
what did you think about that?
Yeah, I thought it was really hot.
Are we playing the staring game?
It's my favorite.
I like the way you look at me.
Get some rest.
Josh?
Oh, she lives!
Why are you cleaning my apartment?
Oh, actually, I didn't clean it.
I demoed the whole thing and rebuilt it from the ground up
with a team of elves.
Figured it was easier.
Okay, just 'cause I'm not turned on by the smell of
cleaning supplies...
Weird, that doesn't sound like "Thank you"...
- No... - But you're very welcome.
Thank you.
Seriously, thank you for everything.
But just... would you... stop, stop.
This is weird.
This is way too weird.
Oh, and if you use any of this against me...
Oh, right, because knowing the consistency of your vomit's
really gonna give me a competitive edge.
No, Josh, stop.
No, I get it, it's fine.
My brother left a prescription for you on the table.
See you at the office.
Shit.
Did you know daisies are found on every continent
except Antartica-arctica?
Oh, gotta go.
Lucy!
Hi!
What are you doing here?
I got you these.
Always with the flowers.
You're very sweet.
How are you feeling?
Like my body survived a violent alien abduction.
Fun fact about alien abductions: not violent.
They get a bad rep 'cause of all the probe stuff but my personal
feelings are that aliens are actually people from,
like, a million years from now just checkin' in on their
ancestors.
I don't know if you've read Nick Bostrom's 'Simulation
Hypothesis, ' but if you build a quantum computer the size of a
planet...
And after you.
If you think about the exponential rate of computing
power alone from, like, 40 years ago 'til now,
and then you do that from, like, 4,000 years or four million
years, there's basically no way we're not aliens.
That's... that's cool.
- It's crazy, right? - Yeah.
Hey, so you wanna get dinner tonight?
Maybe.
I'll... I'll have to see how I'm feeling.
Hey, JTT!
Temple-man.
What's up, dude bro?
You don't work here anymore.
Yeah.
Just checkin' in on my girl.
The old Lucy Goose.
Lucille Ball 'n' Chain.
Lucy in the Sky with Danny.
Wow.
Okay.
No vibe, huh?
Lucy?
Can you come see me when you get settled?
Yeah, yeah, just one second.
- Um... - Guess that's my cue.
Oh.
Thanks.
- Yeah, I'll email you. - Okay.
Cool, cool, cool, cool.
Oh.
Strawberry juice.
You sent the roses.
Joshua Templeman.
Yes, I'll be right there.
Thank you.
Glad you're feeling better.
Crap.
Oh.
I saw you submitted your application.
I know, it's a long-shot.
Are you kidding me?
I'm counting on you getting this job.
We can't let Bexley turn this place into some kind of...
Commercial shit house?
I was gonna say "factory."
But yeah.
Josh submitted his application too.
I know.
His Harvard MBA won't hurt his chances.
I have a Master's in Victorian Lit.
Does that count?
For me, it does.
Not so much for the money people.
There are a lot of good candidates, Lucy.
Will you be honest with me?
How much of a shot do I have?
Because I really want this job and I... I need to prepare
myself...
Don't underestimate yourself.
You already coordinate every department on my behalf.
You know this company from the bottom up.
You have fantastic instincts.
Frankly...
I should have promoted you to editorial years ago.
Why didn't you?
You never asked.
And I rely on you to do the parts of my job that I hate
doing, which is why you'd make a great managing director.
I'm trying to say thank you.
No need.
You helped me, okay?
And I owe you a favor.
What can I do for you?
I will clean your apartment.
I will bake you a cake.
I will... I will go with you to your brother's wedding and I
will be your designated driver.
You can get shit-faced drunk and I will clean up your vomit.
How do you know about that?
Because I overheard you in my kitchen and I know you need a
plus one.
Are you mad at me?
I'm not mad at you, I'm just busy.
My God, Lucinda, can I please get a moment alone?
No.
Not until you say we're even.
What do you mean "even?"
This is cozy.
Just say that I can take you to the wedding.
Is that what you want?
No, what I want is to stop fighting.
I want just a tiny sliver of peace in my daily life.
And to die very slowly of boredom.
Oh, no, I won't be bored, I'll have this fantastic new job to
keep me occupied.
You're not getting the job.
No!
Put your hands on me.
You can put them on yourself.
Kiss me.
Do me a favor?
What?
Go to dinner with Danny and kiss him.
What?
Why?
If it's better than our elevator kiss, then fine.
- But if it's not... - What is with you?
I... I don't wanna be some experiment before you settle
down with Mr. Right.
And I'm not gonna put my hands on you again unless you tell me
that nobody kisses you like I do.
Wow, this view is... it's incredible!
This is very romantic.
Well, not just romantic...
historical.
Did you know that in the American Revolution,
the British used to keep prisoners of war on a boat in
the East River?
And like 12,000 of them died.
And they didn't know what to do with the bodies,
so they just dumped them overboard.
I mean, literally picture that in your mind.
Oh, I am.
So, anyway, how's business going?
Yeah...
it's going all right.
I've got like four clients and pitching two more this week.
And, you know, if you get that promoshe...
Yes, I will definitely keep you in mind.
I, uh, got something for you.
Danny, that's so thoughtful!
♪ Check this out! ♪
A business card!
For all your graphic design needs.
Thank you.
Designed it myself.
Hey, have you ever thought about kissing me?
Only every day since you spilled coffee on my lap in my
first staff meeting.
Wow.
- Wow, wow. - Yeah.
Do you think he's home?
What, are you stalking me, Shortcake?
Yeah, just went through your garbage, actually.
- Really? - Mm-hm.
Find anything interesting?
You know, the usual stuff: food scraps,
stiff Kleenex, adult diapers.
You should always laugh.
You should always be funny.
So, how was your date?
Did he roll the last meatball over to you with his nose?
- Did you kiss him? - Yeah.
And?
And...
I... am not going to date him anymore.
Because?
Because nobody kisses me like you do.
Mm.
Oh, my God.
What?
That sound you just made.
Hey, are you gonna invite me inside?
I mean, it's only fair.
I showed you mine.
Wow.
I really like it.
I halfway expected you to live underground,
near the Earth's core.
You wanna snoop?
No.
You wanna snoop.
I snooped at your place.
Yeah, that's 'cause my place is like a flea market
compared to this.
Where's all your junk?
I like a clean space.
I... kinda thought once you got me up here,
you were gonna ravish me.
I'm making you a tea instead.
How about something stronger?
I like your matchbox car collection.
It's like you were an actual child once.
Wait...
you don't have a single Bexley book here.
Oh, my God, you are a Gamin.
I'm not a Gamin, I just prefer Gamin books.
You are such a Gamin.
Oh, you really like to read about dicks.
Well, knowledge is power.
No, actually, I went to medical school for a year.
Oh, my God, that's why Bexley calls you "Dr. Josh."
To remind me of my failure to live up to my potential.
- Ooh. - Hm.
You know...
if you were a doctor, all of your lady patients would have
astronomical heart rates.
Mm.
Well, let's test that theory, huh?
Mm-hm.
Imagine I'm sliding a stethoscope inside your shirt.
Ooh.
Giving me a new kink.
Pounding heart, raging case of horny.
I... I think your condition may be serious.
Will I die?
A few days in bed should cure it.
Oh, my gosh, I wanna see your bedroom.
Oh, I love the color.
It's Benjamin Moore Calypso Green.
Very specific.-
C'mere.
The copycat game.
Classic.
Truth or dare.
Truth.
Aw, I was kinda hoping you'd say "Dare."
I'm sorry to disappoint.
Why did you quit med school?
After two semesters, my dad though it'd be a good idea for
me to spend a day in the coroner's wing.
Mm.
Five minutes in...
I puked inside a dead guy's stomach.
Oh, my God, I would still be having nightmares.
Okay, so what's this muscle called?
Brachioradialis.
Mm.
And this?
Anterior deltoid.
What about this one?
Biceps.
Oh, yeah, I knew that.
- Oh, but what about this one? - Oh!
Hi.
You taste like candy.
Oh, my God, please remind me to write a thank you note to your
personal trainer.
I do spend a lot of time in the gym.
Being forced to look at you for eight hours a day leaves me with
a lot of excess energy I have to work off.
Well, I...
can help you burn some calories.
- Oh, really? - Mm-hm.
How would you do that?
Well, I'm thinking we should play a very special game.
It's called "Who Can Make the Other Come First?"
- Okay. - Seriously, Josh.
I just think we should have sex and just get it out of our
- system. - Right.
And then, we can go back to normal without all this...
crazy sexual tension.
All right, Shortcake.
I think it's getting late.
What?
Wh... but I just offered you sex.
And, like, very enthusiastic sex.
And I appreciate it.
Maybe some other time.
Maybe some other time?
That's what you say when you turn down a muffin,
not sex.
Is this about the job?
Yeah, it probably is unwise to sleep with the competition.
Right, get me to beg for sex and then kick me out of your
apartment.
Nice move, Templeman.
- You were begging? - That's not funny.
Are you toying with me?
I think you're the one playing games here, Luce.
All right, well, whatever this is,
I don't wanna do it anymore.
Morning.
How'd you sleep?
Not great.
- Period? - What?
No!
I just...
Oh.
No, thanks.
I already ate.
This kid is king, I'm telling you.
Josh!
There you are.
I've been looking all over for you.
I'd like you to meet my good friend Simon.
Simon Mitchell.
From Harper Collins.
I...
Josh is a Harvard man too, you know.
Ah, a few decades after me, but the crimson runs deep,
am I right?
Roll tide!
That's Alabama.
Oh.
Simon knows half the hiring panel personally.
I'm sure that he'd be willing to write you one hell of a
recommendation.
I'd appreciate that.
Let's talk about it over lunch.
I'll clear my schedule.
Oh, hey, this is Lucy Hinton.
No, it's Hutton.
You sure?
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, so I thought maybe you could write me a recommendation.
Yes, it was 10 years ago.
H-U-T-T-O-N.
Oh, you know the color-coded filing system?
I did that.
No, of course it's digital now.
Sure.
Sure, okay, well, if you can remember anything at all,
I...
Okay, thank you.
Bye.
So I really need to nail this presentation.
I'm thinking I can probably pay you...
$300 for the graphics?
I know that that's not much.
Sure.
I'll consider it an investment in the future of our working
- relationship. - Great.
Hey, so...
just to be totally clear, there's no chance for anything
else, right?
Yeah.
Say no more.
Your loss.
I'm a world-class cuddler.
I believe that.
So, uh...
you and Dude Man, what's-his-bucket, Josh?
Still mortal enemies.
Hm.
I mean, don't take this the wrong way,
I just figured y'all would be, like,
knockin' boots at this point.
Nope, pistols and swords at dawn.
Given the choice, I go pistol 100 percent of the time.
Significantly more effective.
Yo ho ho.
Who let you in the building?
Oh, I scaled the wall using my elite Navy SEAL training.
The neighbor let me in.
What are you doing here?
Picking you up.
For my brother's wedding?
Yeah, not likely, Templeman.
Look, I'm sorry about the other night.
You caught me off-guard.
This thing is just too complicated.
All right?
We... we are competing for the same job.
And we've turned mutual sabotage into an art,
so it is impossible to trust each other.
Also, you're like the man version of Icy Hot.
Are you cold?
Are you warm?
Is this tingling sensation nice or is it deeply uncomfortable?
Tingling sensation.
Okay, you know what I mean.
Look, I can't go to this thing alone,
and they're expecting you to come with me.
And don't forget: you still owe me.
Mm.
I'll be in the car.
Okay, fine.
Okay, so what do I need to know about your family?
My mom's great.
She'll love you and tell you that she wants to keep you
forever.
My dad is, uh...
complicated.
Last time I was home, we had a fight.
What about?
A lot of things.
My leaving med school ...he won't let that go.
And my girlfriend had just broken up with me and he and my
brother were just being assholes about it.
It's so hard to imagine you with a girlfriend.
I always pictured you as a swipe right,
"Let's not put a label on it, babe" kinda guy.
Well, sometimes you're wrong.
It's gonna snow.
How do you know that?
Because it's a thing.
I can smell weather.
Well, that would make you the lamest X-Man ever.
- Whoa, hi! - How can I help you?
Joshua Templeman.
I've got two rooms.
Templeman.
- With a T? - Yeah.
Two Ts?
Just the one.
And....sent.
- Sorry, just sent an email. - Mm-hm.
- Oh. - Okay, and...
- I am so sorry. - Hm?
I, um... I only have one room.
Now, Jaf?
Jaffrey.
My friends call me "Jaf" and...
- we're not there yet. - Okay.
Jaffrey, I really need two rooms.
Can you please help me out?
Sorry.
I mean, I need my mom to move out but...
But I got two weddings this weekend, right?
I know, we're in one of them.
Oh... oh, you're the couple?
Oh, congratulations!
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, it's, uh... it's my brother's wedding,
we're just here for it.
Oh, well, I wish I could help you out,
but think about where I'm coming from on this.
I've got a lot of people here.
Okay, just stop, stop, stop.
- It's fine. - It's not fine.
It's not worth ruining his day when he clearly can't do
anything about it.
Jaffrey, thank you so much.
We will take the one room.
Thank you so much.
She's absolutely right; it is not worth ruining my day.
Great, um, so you are gonna be in room,
uh, 216 and, um, no keys.
Everything's unlocked.
Oh, boy.
Wow.
- It's not bad. - Mm.
You will sleep there.
Hah!
Shoulda made you stay with Jaf and his mom.
Okay, we've got a half an hour until the rehearsal dinner.
You want the first shower?
Sure.
Great.
Took you long enough.
Oh, I was shaving my legs.
Oh.
Flamethrower?
I like red.
So do I.
This does not mean we're okay.
Mm-hm.
Come here.
- No, I wanna feel your weight. - No, I'll crush you.
Well, I have lived a really good life.
You sure you're okay with this?
Oh, yeah.
Let's do it.
You should write sonnets.
Oh, best... game... ever.
Yeah.
Oh, shit!
What?
We are seriously late for dinner.
Just... just stay here!
What will your parents think?
Oh, hi, Mr. and Mrs. Templeman.
I'm so sorry that we missed your son's rehearsal dinner.
We were too busy giving each other multiple orgasms.
I promise you, nobody will care.
I'll just text them that we hit traffic and we'll see them
tomorrow at the wedding.
Yeah, but what if they know we already checked in?
Why do you care so much what my parents think?
Well, it's people-pleasing 101: they are people,
thus I want to please them.
But why?
Well, I already explained the totality of that logic.
Also, why don't you care what people think?
I learned a long time ago that it's impossible to make people
like you.
Yeah.
I guess you're right, it's not like I'm ever gonna see them
again.
God, what are you thinking?
I just wanna juice your head like a lemon.
There's no need for violence, Little One.
What do you wanna know?
Okay, the other day...
when you caught me snooping at your desk...
uh, I saw your planner.
Questionable ethics, Shortcake.
Yeah, okay, I know.
But there was some red marks in the margin.
Ds, Ss, some Xs.
What are those?
What?
No!
- Tell me! - No...
Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me.
D is for "dress."
P is for "pants," S is for "skirt," and I make a mark when
we have a fight and X when I wanna kiss you.
Wow.
You're like an OCD stalker.
Your turn.
My turn what?
You gotta tell me something I don't know about you.
Okay.
Oh...
When I wore that little black dress to work the other day...
Mm-hm.
Well...
I lied about having a date at the AC.
I asked Danny out later that day.
What?
You were all smug and skeptical and I had just...
had this super hot sex dream about you.
I knew it!
Yeah, and then you said you were going to the bar and I
didn't want you to think I was a loser just... sitting there all
alone.
You wouldn't have been alone.
You would've been with me.
Did he make his side of the bed?
What a freak.
Very nice.
Your tie's crooked.
No, I'm not falling for that again.
Come here.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
There you go.
No attempt at strangulation.
Wow, you are really developing as a person.
Yeah, well, I need you alive for all the things I'm gonna do
- to you later. - Hm.
You look gorgeous in this dress.
Thank you.
It matches your eyes.
Excuse me.
Josh?
- Oh, hi, Mom. - You made it!
- Oh... - Honey...
Mom, this is Lucy.
Hi.
Oh, it is so nice to meet you, Dr. Templeman.
Oh, Elaine, please.
I'm so glad to finally meet you.
You too.
She is just adorable!
I'm gonna keep you forever.
Shall we?
- You just snorted. - Yeah, I did.
Wasn't sure you were gonna make it.
Anthony, this is Josh's friend, Lucy.
Hi.
Good afternoon.
Oh, friendly.
Aww...
Aww, cute.
Wow, she is stunning.
- Mm. - Nice work, Patrick.
Oh, my God.
Patrick's family is driving me crazy.
And these heels are like a Medieval torture device.
You wouldn't happen to have a joint, would you?
Oh, I wish.
Meth?
Rat poison?
I'll take anything.
Sadly, I am fresh out of rat poison.
But congratulations.
Thank you.
You're Lucy, right?
Yes.
I've been dying to meet you.
Patrick says you're the reason Josh came today.
Oh, no, I'm sure that's not true.
Oh, I'm sure it is.
It really did work out for the best in the end, didn't it?
I mean, Josh and I were never good together.
I'm sorry, you were... you were with Josh?
Oh, my God, how did he not tell you?
It really wasn't anything serious.
The entire year we were together,
I don't think we ever really connected.
You were together a year?
Like, a calendar year?
Like, a full 12 months?
And then, you and Patrick...
Were a much better fit in, like, every way.
I mean, it was a little bit awkward at first, but...
Um, I'm sorry.
I should really go say inappropriate things to my other
guests now.
No, no, it's... it's, um... it's fine.
Well, that nose of yours was right on.
I told you it was a thing.
Lucy, I hope...
Is she the reason you brought me here?
No.
No, Lucy, it had nothing to do with her.
But why didn't you tell me?
I don't know.
- I was embarrassed. - Why?
Hey, you did nothing wrong.
They are the ones that should be embarrassed.
You know, the weekend that I got my MBA,
my dad took Patrick fishing with two other surgeons.
He said that I wasn't invited because I would've felt
out-of-place.
Patrick has always been the golden child,
and so when Mindy left me for him,
it just...
So today must really suck for you, huh?
Well, it could be worse.
I could be here alone.
Well...
this situation most definitely calls for some booze,
so let's go.
- I know, just... - No.
- Yes! - No!
- Yes. - Darling...
Just in case you need it.
You are the absolute worst.
Ah!
Where have you two been?
Outside getting some fresh air.
Oh.
Lucy, when you first met Josh...
what'd you think?
Ah.
Well, I thought he was very good-looking,
cold, domineering, and freakishly uptight.
Oh.
I thought that you had to have ambition to be domineering.
Anthony...
I'm kidding.
And I thought Lucy was very smart,
but she was also a spineless kiss-ass.
Yeah, it was hate at first sight.
Mm.
- Oh. - Dad?
That's your cue.
- That's my cue. - Yeah.
Uh...
Elaine wrote down a few ideas but...
I think I'll wing it.
Ugh...
I always expected a great deal from my son,
and he's never disappointed me.
Excelled in med school and he's become a very fine physician.
It's been a privilege to watch him grow into the man he is
today, hm?
A son a father can be proud of.
But of all the good decisions that Patrick has
made, marrying Mindy is definitely his best.
Welcome to the family.
- Hear, hear! - Cheers!
Cheers.
It's for Christmas.
The tree?
Oh, you don't say.
I brought it in from outside.
It looks like it grew in here but...
that tree grew outside.
Elaine!
- Hi. - Hi!
Have you seen Josh?
I think he went to go find an Aspirin.
He said he had a bit of a headache.
Ah.
Anthony probably should have gone with my prepared remarks.
Mm.
I'm glad you're here.
Josh has been talking about you for months.
Oh, God.
I cannot even imagine what he's told you.
I swear I am not that bad.
He told me that you drive him crazy...
and that you challenge him and that...
you're as strong-willed as he is.
You know, I thought when Mindy left him and he took that job at
B&G that he had hit rock bottom but...
now, I think it might be the best thing that ever happened to
him.
And for what it's worth, I've never seen him look at anyone
the way he looks at you.
- Ah! - Hi!
There's my beautiful groom, aww.
Have you already lost your wife?
No, not yet.
She's hiding in the kitchen, eating in peace.
Mm.
Mom, you may need to head back into the reception room.
I think Dad's maybe had one too many.
Oh.
Once more, unto the breach.
If you ask me, it's a Goddamn waste.
MBA from Harvard and you spend your days running errands and
licking stamps so you can flirt with some little intern.
Intern?
Maybe you should take a walk.
"I don't want to be a doctor."
At least do something marginally noble.
- Anthony... - Join the Peace Corps.
Go build wells in Nigeria.
You don't think that publishing is noble?
Contributing to culture?
I... I don't think that he's making books, Sweetheart.
I think he's making coffee for somebody who's making books.
And by the way, it's none of your business.
Don't speak to her that way.
Okay, well since you know nothing about your son,
I'll just... I'll... I'll fill you in real quick.
Josh is the person that our sales and finance divisions
report to.
They are scared shitless of him.
I have seen grown men run around like ants triple-checking their
numbers because Josh always finds their mistakes.
Lucy, you don't have to.
It's fine.
I'm sorry, I know I'm making a really big scene and I'm sorry.
I... I like all of you.
Um, except you.
But I... I can't listen to this.
Oh, and for the record, Josh's boss,
who is CEO in title only, is a sleazy toad who can barely tie
his own shoelaces.
Josh runs that place.
Actually, we both do.
And the only reason that B&G didn't completely implode after
the merger is because Josh oversaw a reduction of the
workforce by 35 percent, and because of him,
200 people kept their jobs.
And so he's not a doctor.
Who the fuck cares?
He's smart.
Your son is tough and he has made me a lot better at my job
by having to compete with him.
Don't get me wrong, he drives me absolutely insane,
which is apparently hereditary.
But your son is amazing.
And the fact that you can't see that,
that is a goddamn shame.
In conclusion, uh, congratulations to the bride and
groom!
Just amazing.
Um, let's go home.
Anthony, sir, it's been a real treat.
Elaine, it was lovely meeting you.
I'll call you.
So, what now?
Naked time?-
After naked time?
Rehydration.
Lucy, I've had a lot of women...
I seriously hope there's an end to that sentence.
I've had a lot of women tell me that I'm... I'm not the kind of
guy you settle down with.
I'm the one-night-stand.
And you think that's what I'm doing?
I hope not.
I don't understand you.
I seriously thought you hated me.
Never.
Never, not for one second.
And I can prove it to you.
All right, you have to come in here.
Okay.
And I'm gonna need to take this.
I thought you weren't feeling naked time.
You're kinda giving me mixed signals here, Templeman.
We're not going to the bed.
You have to stand... right here.
- Okay. - Now...
tell me what you see.
Um, well...
my hair's a little scraggly and my lipstick's faded.
You're perfect.
Guess again.
Oh!
My dress!
Look.
Like a tree frog.
What exactly does that prove?
Your dress isn't the only thing that matches your eyes.
Oh, my God.
Wait, did you...
How about this?
Let's play a different game.
The "Starting Over" game.
Hi.
I'm Joshua Templeman, nice to meet you.
Hi.
Um...
I'm Lucy Hutton.
I'm from Charlotte, Vermont, where they grow strawberries.
And because of that, I'm gonna call you "Shortcake."
It'll be a dead giveaway that I love you.
You're freaking out.
No.
- Don't freak out. - No, I just...
I just...
I... I am not... I am not prepared for this.
What do you mean?
After New Year's, one of us is gonna be out of a job.
Any relationship we tried, it would be over before it started.
Well, maybe not.
Maybe nobody has to quit.
No, this would never work.
You know that, okay?
We would kill each other.
Luce, I know you.
I know that you blot your lips twice before you throw your
tissue away.
I know that your voice drops an octave when you get upset.
I know you chew your lower lip when you're doing something you
don't wanna do.
And I know that you're scared right now.
But you don't have to be.
I'm in this.
And you can trust that.
It's a dangerous time for men these days, Josh.
If we don't stick together, manic pixie twits like Lucy
Hutton, they're gonna be running this country on lipstick and
feelings.
I can tell you I didn't start this company to have my balls
crushed by some nitwit in a push-up bra.
Do you hear me?
Loud and clear.
I have a vision for this company,
and I'm counting on you to make it happen.
So, do you have a strategy?
- Do you have a plan? - I do.
It's already underway.
I told her she'd back off if you let her think that she could
pet the pony.
I'm glad you took my advice.
Is there anything else I can do to help you cinch this thing?
No.
No, no, no, I... I don't need any help beating her.
All right, I'm sure you don't.
Get on it, then.
Hey, are you free?
I'm heading to the coffeeshop right now.
So he's sexually gaslighting you?
That is diabolical.
I guess it makes sense; you're not gonna work as hard if you're
crushing on him.
I wonder what it's like to be a dude who uses his raw animal
magnetism as a weapon.
Yeah, but it's one thing to flirt.
It's a whole other thing to pretend like you have actual
feelings.
I just... I feel like such an idiot.
Are you sure it's okay that we're talking about all this?
Yeah.
I mean, I'm basically the mayor of the Friendzone,
so I'm hip, safe space, carry on.
I just cannot believe I let myself get played like this.
I mean, he seemed so sincere.
Well, fear not, my sweet friend.
You are going to nail that interview,
get the job, and then order will be restored to the universe.
Yes.
Well, justice demands that Josh live a long life alone,
sucking on Bexley's nasty nuts.
So...
- Oh, hey, Josh. - What are you doing here?
I was looking for you.
Thought I'd join you for a coffee.
I don't like you enough to get a coffee with you.
My mistake.
Solid burn.
Do we have confirmation that the London Review is featuring
'Stripping Time?'
CC'd you on the email.
No, I'm looking at my inbox and it's not here, you sociopath.
Well, then you're either blind or just lying, as usual.
I don't lie.
You lie all the time.
You just don't see it as lying because you tell people what
they wanna hear.
What?
Name one time I've done that.
You told me you weren't interested in Danny.
Wow.
That is amazing.
You are actually gonna play this thing all the way through,
aren't you?
And see, that's what I don't get.
Throw me off my game, fine.
Flirt with me, mess with my head, whatever.
But why would you want to keep me from dating someone else?
Danny is nice!
And I'm not.
I thought you were...
somewhere under the layers of psychological damage.
But it turns out you would just do whatever it takes to win and
make your daddy proud.
And you know what?
I am so glad that I threw up all over you 'cause I am this close
to doing it again!
What is wrong with you?!
I heard you with Bexley!
And?
And I bet if he knew you'd had a hand all the way up my skirt,
he'd throw a parade in your honor!
- That's not... - Hey, Josh, Josh, Josh, Josh!
I'm gonna need those projections on my desk by Friday.
I don't have the time.
Lucy can do it.
Hutton!
Care to grow some hair on your nuts and step up?
You know, Richard, I would love to,
but I doubt a nitwit in a push-up bra would be much help
to you.
Josh, projections, on my desk Friday.
There is no way in hell I am letting you and Bexley destroy
this place.
Lucy?
Hi.
You have a call at two with TLS, unless you want me to take it.
I know the catalogue.
It's all yours.
Wait, do you know where Josh is?
I haven't seen him since yesterday.
That's weird, right?
The week of the presentation?
He's... he's up to something.
I wouldn't put it past him.
You ready for this?
Hell yes.
I will bring my A game.
That's what I like to hear.
Go get 'em, Tiger!
Lucy!
This is my boyfriend's niece, Daisy... the one I told you
about for the internship.
This is Daisy?
Like the flower.
No.
Absolutely not.
No, but you said that...
I got steamrolled and you know it.
I'm sorry, you seem like a lovely girl,
but you actually couldn't have picked a worse time.
And you still haven't turned in your monthly report.
Oh, yes, I wanted to talk to you about that...
No, don't worry about it.
I already talked to Alan, I got the numbers,
and I did the report myself... again.
You're such an angel.
No, I'm not an angel.
I'm a patsy and I am done.
It's a migraine or a sprained wrist.
I mean, three months ago, you couldn't turn in the report
because a bird flew in your face coming off the subway and you
were too distraught to concentrate.
It was a big bird...
And while I sympathize with your various plights...
You don't sound sympathetic.
She doesn't sound sympathetic.
I'm gonna have to ask you to do your job.
I'm disappointed in you.
Well...
Impressive.
Thank you.
Not that I... need your validation.
Thank you for coming.
Lucy Hutton?
You're up next.
Okay.
One thing...
If you get this job, are you actually gonna let Bexley gut
the literary department?
It's his business.
He can do what he wants with it.
Okay.
That's all I needed to know.
This is the first chapter of a new book from best-selling
author Emily Powery.
I propose creating a cross-media platform so that people can
download e-books or audiobooks and then have conversations with
other readers and the writer.
How would that work?
Well, once you finished a chapter,
you are then directed to a community group to discuss the
story.
And the writer is part of that community.
They publish a chapter at a time,
like the old 19th century serials,
and then join the conversation with the readers before they
write the next chapter.
Interesting.
If you turn to section two of the document in front of you,
you will see the budget that I'm proposing.
They seriously grilled me on the numbers but...
I think I held my own.
I'm sure you blew them away.
And I have to say, whether or not I get this job,
this whole thing, it...
it did kinda wake me up.
Well, here's a little something.
Oh, my God.
A Peacock edition?
Helen!
Oh, it's beautiful.
Mr. Darcy was such a great romantic hero:
inscrutable, misunderstood.
I don't know.
I think she might be setting up a false expectation.
Sometimes...
guy's just an asshole.
That has certainly been my experience.
And it's gonna look nice in your library.
It's a great promotion for you.
Thank you.
Lucy!
We were just about to come find you.
Congratulations.
You earned it.
Well...
we've all had a big decision to make today.
I think it goes without saying that this merger has been a
little bumpy, but I think that B&G is positioned now to become
a major literary powerhouse.
I know first-hand that no one is more savvy or tenacious than its
new managing director...
Lucy Hutton.
- Congratulations, Lucy. - What?
Way to go, Luce.
What?
Wait, but she just said that...
I took a job as acquisitions editor at Harper Collins last
week.
Son of a bitch.
So when you said you didn't need help beating me...
It's because I had decided to resign.
Why didn't you tell me?
That would be my fault.
I begged him not to say anything.
I am sorry, Lucy.
Just fighting with Josh lit such a fire under you,
I knew if you kept that drive, you'd beat everyone else and get
the job.
She would've kicked your ass too, Josh!
Fair enough.
Luce, you are the heart and soul of this place and everybody
knows it.
Just what the company needs: more heart and soul.
Richard...
shut up.
In fact, always just keep your mouth shut,
as a general rule.
Hey...
You're fired!
Already quit, jackass.
Oh, shit...
You know what I just realized?
What's that?
You are the nice guy.
You take that back.
Nope.
Where are you off to?
Weekend at the Cape.
See you on Monday!
Or Thursday.
No, no, no, we have a contract with O'Brien,
so if he wants to switch publishers,
you're gonna have to buy him out.
Will you hold on a second?
This has a year's worth of sexual harassment claims against
Richard Bexley.
Give it to the board?
Thanks.
That is due Wednesday.
So, it turns out love and hate aren't as similar as I
thought.
Son of a bitch!
Yeah, well, our legal team would beg differ.
Sure, they both get your blood pumping and make you
want to do crazy things to someone else's body.
Shove it up your semicolon!
No, no, no, no.
Think 30 percent higher.
But when you love someone,
and I mean really love someone, even when you fight,
you're still on the same team.
Look, if you wanna poach one of our writers,
you're gonna take a bath while doing it.
Interesting.
You know, I think I'm gonna need a few more details on that
particular proposal.
You should know that I never mix business with pleasure.
Never?
- Hi. - Hi.
How was your day?
Well, there's this new exec over at B&G.
She's being a real hard-ass.
Ugh, bitch.
Yours?
Oh, there's this snake at Harper Collins who's trying to
steal one of our best writers.
Aww, Shortcake.
You want me to beat him up for you?
No.
I don't want you fighting anyone but me.
Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull