Downloaded from YTS.MX
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["Shine" playing]
[audience cheering]
[man] Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Theo Von.
[cheering, applause]
♪ I'll sit and tell you my stories ♪
♪ Shine on me ♪
♪ And I will find a song ♪
What's up, Nashville!
Dang gang, baby, good to see you guys tonight.
[cheering]
Good to be here, man.
I brought this gender-neutral haircut, you know that.
[cheering continues]
Don't even come at me with that equality shit.
You don't know what gender I am.
Might be the toughest lesbian you've ever seen, boy!
Bitch, I'm Margaret.
[some] Ball is life.
I look like shit, dude. Uh...
Yeah, you thought I didn't know, huh?
And I do know.
I look like shit, man. I realized the other day
I look like somebody who might have matches on them.
[laughter]
Am I inbred?
You ever meet that dude? He is just taking his arm for a walk?
This is that equality cut.
Most equal haircut you can get.
Everybody hates this haircut.
If you have too much going on in your life,
sprout this bad patch right here.
Watch your calendar open up, huh?
'Cause nobody expects anything out of you with this haircut.
You can get out of anything, man.
Somebody's like "A baby just fell in a well!"
You're like "Uh...?"
"I'm just waiting for a hot dog."
"A baby what?"
"A baby cat?"
Nobody expects anything out of you with this cut.
Work? Nope.
Work is for others.
My buddy has a job. He has a haircut.
And he's always complaining, man.
He's like "Man, my boss keeps giving me all of this work."
I'm like, "'Cause you look like you can do it, Randall.
'Cause you look like you could do it!
You need to sprout a batch of this reverse psychology, bucko."
Somebody sees you with this haircut at work, they're just like...
[exhales]
"See you at lunch, buddy."
And they can't fire me 'cause I might be a woman.
[laughter]
[whistling, cheers]
You got to be a woman now, man.
I'm trying to grow my penis in, man.
"It's a long vagina, officer. Just don't take my job."
I'll literally stand before I go to bed and do some wiener inners.
[laughter]
Got to decrease this hang time, baby, if I want a future.
Good to be here in Nashville, man, thank you guys for welcoming me here.
[cheering, applause]
I appreciate it, thank you. Thank you.
I've been living in Los Angeles, man. That place has lost its mind, man.
Yeah, I don't blame the, uh... fires.
Don't blame the flame.
'Cause they don't have any regular people out there, man.
Like I-I grew up around regular people, you know?
Just, you know.
Like, out there everybody is fancy. Somebody is fancy. Their daddy is fancy.
You know?
I grew up-- Dude, they had a guy growing up in my neighborhood: no arms.
Fight everybody, boy.
Yeah, zero arms.
[laughter]
Yeah, dude, this boy named, Gert was his name.
Yeah.
Well, that-- His name was Edgerton, okay?
Nobody is named Gert, that is not a name, you know.
That's more like a sound, you know, like maybe you're eating something.
And somebody scares you, you know? "Gert!"
That's just Mom petting the cat.
You call before you come touch that cat, Linda.
This fellow named Edgerton.
And he choked out 30 people in our town and had zero arms.
[laughter]
And they call him Gert, because if you take the name Edgerton
and you take off the E-D and you take off the O-N
then that's Gert, you know.
Yeah, just the middle, you know? Just like him really.
[laughter]
[cheering]
It's really about the most poignant name you've ever heard, you know?
And you wouldn't think that he was going to choke anybody out
'cause he wasn't armed out, you know.
God hadn't really sprouted him out and he, uh...
he would just stand there
and then he would just smash you like that.
Just pow! And he would just choke you out and then just balance home like that...
into a cigarette.
Dude he... [laughs]
He went to court one time,
and the judge was like, "This is the fuckin' guy y'all caught?"
Gert is just standing over there.
He had the cuffs, kind of just draped over his shoulder.
[laughter]
They can't even fingerprint him. They just...
Rolling his shoulders in ink.
He's drawing snowmen on the sheet.
I... I wonder whatever happened to him, you know.
Somebody probably shot him, you know.
And I don't think you should shoot people, but...
sometimes you should, you know.
Because that's not even a man, you know. Choking out...
That's a dang tall snake really.
Can't read...
chokes others...
Snake, bro.
That's easy. That's basic snake math, daddy.
That's an easy one for me.
But yeah, we grew up around regular people, man.
Dude, we had one guy in my neighborhood a fellow named-- Dairy was his name.
Named after the, uh... food group.
Yeah, he was. Yogurt, everything.
Butter, mantequilla. That's Spanish butter.
Pretty cool. It sounds sexier when it's Spanish, doesn't it?
Oh, mantequilla, huh? Okay.
How old is she, you know?
But yeah, the fellow named Dairy in my neighborhood, growing up,
and he had Down syndrome.
You know, and I'm not here to-- if you don't believe in it,
I'm not here to debate that with you.
You can do that outside of here. You do that on your own time, but...
he had it.
We all got something and he got that, and, uh...
We did, he did, and I believe that and...
But his mother never got the paperwork done on him.
'Cause she was an alcoholic.
So he just had it.
Just freelance, you know.
And his mom was on that dust. She'd be like "He don't have it."
People like, "Dairy has-- He has Down syndrome," and she's going "No, he don't!"
"My boy is Irish."
-[laughter] -What?
Dairy ain't Irish.
Nobody is that Irish, Miss Janet.
That's like 700% Irish.
It's almost Scottish.
And I... I'm not making fun of DS children, man, you know.
No, I'm not doing that. I wouldn't do that.
So, if you're thinking that...
Don't think about that.
Just 'cause you think something, it doesn't mean I'm doing it, man.
You know we've all got something. You know?
It could be anything, I could have leprosy.
You know, and I don't even know what it is, and...
So it'd be pretty shocking if I did, when I found out that I might have it.
And me and Dairy used to go drink alcohol.
People think that people with Down syndrome don't drink alcohol ever.
You know, and I would say maybe a lot of times they don't,
but this time they did, and... Yeah.
We used to go drink alcohol in our town, at the Ramada in our town.
Yeah, before they had a murder up there.
Do you know...
You know, every Ramada has had a murder at it?
Yeah.
Yeah, they used to have a website, "everyRamadamurder.com" or Tumblr.
Yeah, pretty cool, man. Not cool, but...
That's neat, you know, and uh...
And then they had two Ramadas that nobody had been murdered at,
you know, so people's all pissed off on the message boards, you know.
"Oh, everybody is sleeping well at these bitches."
And then thankfully, people got murdered at those Ramadas.
R.I.P.
Me and Dairy used to go up there and drink alcohol with a man.
A man, he was a night-- He was a man and he was a night manager as well.
And he was-- Worked at the Ramada, he was named Mr. Patrick, was his name.
And he had rare wine, Riesling wine,
in the trunk of his car and he would pour it in his coffee cup,
and we would sit there.
Get Irished out, baby, you know?
And I realized in hindsight, that man was probably...
probably pedophile, non-practicing.
[laughter]
You know what I'm saying?
He had it in him, but he didn't have it out of him.
And that's really the--
If you're a pedophile, keep it to yourself, bro. That's really--
That would solve all of it.
But yeah, anyway...
What else is going on, man?
Not much really. Um...
My cousin got bit by a gay guy.
[laughter]
So, we'll see, you know.
[laughter]
[cheering]
It's a true story.
It's a true story in Los Angeles.
"The friendliest city on Earth."
And they're biting straights.
It was on Halloween.
They had a gay gentlemen dressed up like a baby deer, okay?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
They had a gay gentlemen dressed up like a baby deer!
And he jumped out of the hedges and bit my cousin on the back.
Bit him right on the back.
Left teeth marks and cinnamon lip gloss on his back.
And they tested it. It came back cinnamon. They thought it was peach at the scene.
This shit has to stop, man.
We're better than that.
And the guy pinched him, man. I'll tell you everything, okay?
The guy pinched him.
Who is still pinching people
that's over the age of six?
And how much of the devil you got to have in you to pinch somebody?
To grab a little bitty chunk of somebody
and want to fuckin' hurt that.
It has to stop, man.
We're better than this.
You get me fired up, daddy.
And people say "Well, that's anti-gay, man."
It's not anti-gay.
I don't care that you're gay, buddy, okay?
Do not bite people at night, buddy bear...
outdoors.
Do not bite people at night outdoors, friend.
We've all been a little gay, man. That's not even that wild anymore.
Nobody said no, boy.
Hey bro, damn.
No--
Nobody said-- Not even a "Ahem!" Okay, damn.
We've all been a little gay, man.
I'm not saying it's not a wonderful thing to be gay,
but it's not as rare as it used to be.
You know, I know way more people that are gay than, um...
people that could juggle.
[laughter]
Way more, man.
So, L-G-T-B-Q-J, baby, you know.
[cheering]
We can't be leaving nobody out, daddy, you know.
We all keeping balls in the air, son, you know.
Dude, my friend Wallace, last month he's like,
"Hey, man, I got to tell you, dude, you know. I think I'm in love with men."
I said "Bro, Daniel has been...
So I hear you, but we got bigger fish to fry down here."
We've all been a little gay, man.
If you ever had been at Quiznos...
Remember when they used to have Quiznos?
That sandwich shop. A lot of men--
And Quiznos was a predominantly "men" establishment, okay?
I couldn't name seven women that went to Quiznos
if you gave me four weeks.
And, uh... Quiznos, man, you go in there as a fellow.
You wander in there, you know,
and the door kind of squeaks a little when you go in.
And you get that big toasted bad boy, you know?
And you're sitting over there by yourself and you're trying to...
you're trying to corral that little daddy, you know, and, uh...
You lock eyes with another man in there.
You feel the squirrels run, baby.
You ain't gay, but you ain't straight. I know that shit.
[chuckles] Yeah!
Quiznos was a dang gateway drug for homosexuality, man.
And I'll put that on the damn comment card, baby.
We've all been a little gay, man.
What if even-- What if you've been at your friend's house
maybe one time, you know in September and...
and it was cold out or whatever. You stayed over there
'cause you didn't want to drive home 'cause it was so cold.
And he slept in his room and you slept on the couch
and he got up early and went to work and then you went and got in his bed
while it was still warm, dude.
Okay?
You ain't gay, but you ain't straight, big dawg, okay?
Something is happening here.
See, man, we're not that different, man. We all a little bit gay, bro.
Everybody is probably 11% gay.
[laughter]
And that is not that much to give away, you know... so...
We didn't have a lot of diversity in our town growing up.
Uh...
We had one fellow that got hit by lightning, but he had--
Yeah, he pre-arranged it to try and get that money.
And the crazy part was he was in a damn coma
and we were jealous of him, man.
We were like, "Look at this rich motherfucker, dude."
Breathing on our tax dollars over here.
We didn't have a lot of diversity in our town, man.
My neighborhood really was just poor Black and poor white
and, uh...
So I hear a lot about white privilege and I'm like,
"Fuck, man.
Missed that."
I mean, I knew some motherfuckers with sweaters, okay?
Don't get me wrong, you know, but I was two tank tops in the winter.
Like, "You sure this will keep me warm?"
"Yeah, it'll keep you warm."
"I just feel cold... and athletic."
And my Black friends would get mad at me, man.
Like, "Man, look what you did to us, man."
"Look what you did to us."
Like, "Bro, do you think I would do all that shit?
And move right next door, bro?
Now we going to split these plums or not, man?
Fuck it, we're down here together, dude.
You think I took all your shit and just... don't have it?
[laughter]
Somebody else has both of our shit.
And they're watching us fight over it."
It's green privilege, man.
[cheering]
The privilege is fuckin' green.
Poor people like to fight, dude. That is the worst, man.
"Man, you poor?" "Yeah, I'm poor!"
Dude, my brother got hit by a damn harpoon in our neighborhood one time.
A sea needle fuckin' clipped him, daddy.
Yeah.
From the past, somebody threw that bitch from the past.
Okay?
That fricking time-traveling joust. He got hit down.
Poor people like to fight, man.
Fought a lot growing up. Used to fight Black dudes, man.
Yes, I don't know if you've ever fought a Black dude or not, but...
they win, bro.
[laughter]
They tend to win and, uh...
One time they cheated, man.
I got jumped by five Black dudes one time at night.
I don't know if you've ever fought five Black dudes at night, but...
Well, imagine you're fighting five Black dudes.
Now close your eyes.
Now how many Black dudes are you fighting, bro?
As many as your imagination can hold.
[cheering]
It was tough, man. We grew up in some poverty growing up,
and poverty... It was kind of dicey and it was fun.
Um, yeah.
I knew somebody that died in a ditch fire.
Yeah, he almost lived, but they kept throwing him back in.
[laughter]
And you don't get that with HOA.
You got to be a little more freelance than that, you know, so...
We had some interesting times, man.
And poverty is tough for everybody. I don't care what your skin color is.
You know, I know it's tougher for some people than others.
I know it's probably a little tougher for some ethnicities than others, but,
I think, sometimes--
It's felt to me, sometimes we forget that even white people struggle, man.
I remember trying to get financial aid when I was going to college, you know.
And I went into the financial aid office and
we had this cute little Black woman that worked in there named Miss Linda.
And I remember trying to get financial aid.
Specifically for poor white kids, there was no programs, you know.
Specifically for poor? Just--
She said, "You got to be Black, Latino,
Native American, Pacific Islander."
Like fuckin' surfers?
Surfers are getting this money? We're landlocked.
She said "Well, come back when you're Black."
I said "What's the password, Linda?"
She said, "Go talk to the basketball coach."
I said "He ain't making Black kids.
Those kids were Black when he went to them.
He ain't that good of a coach."
And sometimes you see people do blackface out there, man,
and I don't condone that, you know.
But whenever I see somebody do it, I hold, one second, just...
just want to make sure...
they're not just trying to get financial aid, baby, know what I'm saying?
'Cause if that is the case, son, fucking bronze me up, daddy.
At least give me a light blush. I'll go Filipino.
To run up that FAFSA, daddy, okay. Praise God.
[cheering, applause]
We got to struggle together, man. We struggle together, you know.
Well, we didn't have a lot of diversity growing up. Um...
I remember, the first time we got a Mexican kid.
Yeah, not "got one" either. That is not what I am saying.
Uh... [chuckles]
It wasn't like he was in a crate, you know?
"Hector!
Come on, bud. How was it?" You know...
He showed up of natural causes.
This was a naturally occurring Latino.
Okay? 'Cause we didn't have any in our area. We didn't have any.
We didn't not want any. We just didn't have any.
You know, God don't give everybody everything
and we didn't have any Latinos.
And I remember I was in seventh grade.
And we had a class, and the class was science, biology...
animals...
It was a big one.
Sex-ed, outdoors.
Yeah, 'cause we had a fellow that couldn't go outdoors.
This boy named Tot, was his name.
T-O-T, named after the, um, appetizer.
[laughter]
And he had a hit of autism, a pretty good lick of it and, uh...
Yeah, he had it, man, and, um...
And he came to school under a blanket for comfort.
And he stayed at school all day under the sheet
and he went home like that under the blanket.
And people called him King Tot. That was his nickname.
'Cause he's under the blanket, you know.
And that's a normal nickname.
If you're a child and you're under a blanket,
you're gonna get a King Tot, you know.
But one of our teachers, to make him feel a part of things
would make us draw pictures of what was happening outdoors
and slide them under the sheet for little Tot.
Just little eight and a half by eleven hits of the universe
for little Totski.
So, he is over there up under the blanket, and about 10:00 a.m.
he gets a whole influx of information, you know.
Mh-hmm, mh-hmm. Okay. Okay!
[laughs]
Now I admit, sometimes I would draw like a picture of a war going on,
fuckin' slide it under,
and you'd hear him go, "War!"
Like, just joking, Tot!
Sunshine!
You had to hit him with three sunshines to calm him down, you know.
To get that sheet to stop shaking.
You got to still that linen, baby. That's Tot.
And that's God.
And it was beautiful, man, The class was beautiful.
I will say it, you know, because...
they had animals in there.
You know animals, man.
You know animals, bro. You've seen them. You know what I'm saying.
They had animals. They had animals in the classroom,
and you could get an animal at the beginning of class
and hold it at your desk.
So you're learning about science,
you had a chunk of science on you, you know.
Get your little hamster, get your little gerbil, daddy, you know?
Get a snake, get a lizard, baby. You know what I'm saying?
Hold it at your desk.
Get your little kitten, get your little...
little oyster baby, you know?
We had one kid in our class. He had been in a fire.
He couldn't hold anything that would scratch him,
so they would set that oyster on him, you know.
This boy, Sherman was his name.
And some people called him Burnt Sherman, and I didn't call him that, okay?
Other people said it, and I didn't say it.
So don't think I fricking said it.
I never said it, dude.
But you were learning about science.
You had a chunk of science on you, man, you know?
Get your little hermit crab, get your little fricking, uh...
maybe a little puppy, a little, uh...
a groundhog...
Uh... no, water animal.
Yeah, fish, yeah.
Hold it at your desk, you know.
The fish sucked though, if you got the fish because
you had to go dip that bitch about every two minutes, man.
[laughs]
Bro, we had this one kid in our class. This boy Lester.
He wouldn't dip his fish, dude.
He was not very smart, man.
He had to have his mouth open to learn, you know. He was like...
Lester, bro, dip that bitch, man.
He'd be like, "Ahh..."
Like that bitch is dry, bro.
Dip that bitch!
"Ahh..."
That's been six minutes, Les.
You're a murderer, big daddy.
[groans]
You're a damn taxidermist, boy. Dip that bitch.
But you were learning about science and you had a chunk of science on you.
You're running on five different dimensions, you know.
Truly beautiful, yes.
And one day we started learning about sex-ed.
[audience member] Whoo!
Yeah, well look, some of us-- Yeah, it's in us.
You know it is a thing. It is in us, man.
It is something that is living in us, bro.
And I thought it was going to be this dude Ed, uh...
Yeah, dude.
I thought it was going to be this dude Ed, going to run in the room,
spray out, honestly.
'Cause I had seen this guy working freelance
down by the train tracks, this dude Amtrak Eddie...
busting them over by the fence.
People would throw dimes at him when he'd bust, you know.
Bust, Eddie, bust!
Come on, Eddie!
And people would feed him little slices of peaches
you know, through the chain link to keep his, uh...
energy up.
But it's a synonym, sexual education, so...
The government wins again, you know, every time.
So we start learning about sex-ed, man. What did we know?
People was nervous, man, you know. People was confused.
One kid wore a tuxedo.
Uh, we ain't fucking, Kenneth, okay?
It's just charts, buddy.
He's over there putting cologne in his hair.
Tone down the 'logne, Kenny cat. That's just charts, boo.
Dude, I remember our toughest kid in school
fainted drawing an ovary on the chalk board.
We were-- We were not doing well as a group.
I personally remember sitting in my desk, just full-body erection.
Just holding the baby squirrel, just...
"If this thing breathes deep, I'm gonna come, brother," you know.
Dang.
If that's too much, man, I'm sorry about that.
-Just... -[cheering, applause]
Give me a mulligan, man.
I am sorry, I should--
That's Satan working through me, man, I'm sorry.
Isn't it wild how Satan will just come right out of you?
You know what I'm saying is you just,
you think you with the Lord, and then Satan, boy.
♪ You see me Lord And I'm Satan ♪
And we were not doing well as a group and, uh...
one day our principal came in the room.
A beautiful lady named-- Nancy Woods was her name.
And I think she just passed away. I don't know if she did.
Ms. Woods, if you're watching this, uh... [laughs]
Then that's a plus.
My God, what am I just saying?
We tried to kill her, I remember that. That's for damn sure, boy.
You know what I'm saying?
Bro, yeah.
Dude, one of our assistant principals used to go to sleep
in the trunk of his car, at fricking recess, man.
Yeah. And he took the key thing out
so he could breathe through there, man. He was wild.
He's real wild. Rollie Coleman was his name
and shouldn't have said his name, but...
He shouldn't have done that in front of children, I don't think.
So, we're even, Rollie.
Uh...
But I remember our assistant principal came in the room, this lady Nancy Woods.
She was Italian.
I mean she was just 700% Italian, you know.
Just 31 inches tall maybe.
Buck seven, you know.
Just drinking marinara
and just shooting Test 200 right into her neck.
A real dime, I thought.
And she was tough as nails
and she came in our class, just dribbling a new student.
She said "Class, this is y'all's new student."
And it was a Mexican boy.
And we had never seen one.
Think about Mexicans.
Now don't think about them.
That was us.
[laughter]
We'd seen maybe ten or twelve drawings of Mexicans.
Some good drawings, some not even good drawings.
That's a kite, okay?
You just wrote "Mexico" under it. That is a kite.
You're going to get a B.
And he was a beautiful boy.
And he goes walking across our classroom.
And he looked different than us, he--
We just had Black children and white children, you know.
We had never seen a child like him.
He had kind of a nutmeg complexion.
He had... [chuckles]
He had a mustache, okay?
Bro, never in our wildest dreams
had we put together children and a mustache.
But in Latino culture, baby, that is part of their culture.
Them boys strain their whole childhood, just so...
Fucking launch that "word curtain," baby.
That cortina de palabras, ay!
And he was a beautiful boy.
And he goes walking across the classroom.
And people are like "Holy shit."
"He is a kite."
[laughter]
And he sits down at his desk. Nicholas was his name. Mexican Nicholas.
And he sits down at his desk, and he had been in class for four minutes,
and he raises his hand.
And people are like "He's going to talk."
He raises his hand in sex-ed
and he goes, [in Mexican accent] "Hey, Mr. Blackwell."
[normal voice] And, okay?
Bro, I love that real Mexican accent, man, that shit is-- Okay?
And look, this story is 100% true.
Every word of it, and I want to,
I want to honor Nicholas' voice as accurately as I can in this story.
That's exactly how I remember his voice.
I also could have been a racist child.
[laughter]
But he raised his hand in sex-ed, he goes,
[in Mexican accent] "Hey, Mr. Blackwell, what does 'pop that cherry' mean, homes?"
[normal voice] And every kid just lost their fricking mind!
The ovary kid had just gotten better and he went down again.
People dropped their animals.
There's snakes chasing squirrels around the class.
People are drawing pentagrams on the furniture.
People are killing sheep they brought from home.
Fucking home sheep.
People are excited.
'Cause nobody ever asked a question from the playground
here in the field of education.
Never had these two universes met.
And four minutes of being in our lives
and Mexican Nicholas was a damn hero, baby.
-A hero! -[cheering]
So the next day we come to school, all the boys have mustaches drawn on,
wearing Mexican flags.
Wearing Italian flags we thought were Mexican.
[laughs]
That was me, bro.
[humming]
Flying kites.
[laughing] Yeah, yes.
This one kid, this ginger kid, Gingah.
[laughter]
I'm sorry, man, my grandfather said it,
and Morgan Wallen taught me that, man, I'm sorry.
[cheering]
I just can't even take 'em around redheads anymore, you know.
He was so excited in solidarity
he wrote the word "Mexico" across his face and neck and chest in permanent marker.
Some kid that meant it.
It took four months, to come out of his skin. Yeah, dude.
One of our teachers put him in a baby pool after school
and put dish soap on him
and would scrub the word "Mexico" out of his chest.
And years later he had a child, and the baby was born with it in his skin.
And that's Christ, baby, you know that.
[cheering]
Thank you.
I want to thank everybody here for getting a...
either getting a negative test
or a vax card or making a fake vax card, thank you very much.
[cheering]
[laughing] Let's go, dude.
Let's go, dude.
We'll die together, you know.
Yeah.
I don't think it'll be a bad group if we do. I know that.
Oh, man, these pants are so tight, bro.
[cheering]
Dude, I can't believe women have sex like this.
This is the dumbest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life.
Oh, yeah, keep fucking me, Randall.
Oh, yeah, slam that shit, Kyle.
Who the hell is Kyle?
You're better than that, ladies, okay?
Y'all out here deadbugging. Y'all better than that.
But Nicholas turned American real quick. Let me tell you what happened to him.
'Cause he started getting an ego... you know.
'Cause in America, that is one of our number-one exports.
So he started getting an ego, the second day at school, he's like,
[in Mexican accent] "Yeah, I'm a hero, and I'm a fucking rapper."
[normal voice] 'Cause for some reason,
the second somebody is popular in America for anything,
the next day they have to be a rapper.
Okay? I don't care if you've been in a coma for five years.
If you wake up,
"Bitch, I need a sleepy mix tape come Thursday, okay?"
So Nicholas decided he was going to be a rapper.
So he had to get some jewelry. That's a...
You know, that's a primary accoutrement of rappers.
So, we don't have any jewelry in our town though.
You couldn't get jewelry.
If you want jewelry in our town...
you don't have it.
The most stuff you could get by us easy, turpentine...
some ideas.
So he went to an estate sale. A senior citizen woman had deceased.
Yep, they die.
And he went to an estate sale for a senior citizen deceased female
and bought her jewelry, okay?
[laughing] Bro...
He showed up to school the next day.
Looked like he had just discovered the Titanic, bro, okay?
He had all these old lady necklaces on.
He had two brooches on.
And one of them said, "Happy Easter" on it.
And the other one had a picture of a man in it
and it said, "Always, Carl" on it.
We're like, "Who the fuck is Carl?"
And on his T-shirt, Nicholas wrote, "Nick the sexy rapper."
'Cause when you were a kid, sometimes if you wanted to be something
and you weren't something, you just wrote something on a shirt
and just showed up, you know.
Lawyer.
Doctor.
Loved.
The problem for Nicholas was, he misspelled "rapper."
[audience groans]
One "P."
Right into sex-ed...
"Nick the sexy raper."
And they expelled him.
Yeah, you can't rape. You still can't.
And I didn't see another Mexican person till I was 19 years old.
So sometimes, we look at like a small town and we say,
"All these people don't like these people. They don't--"
Some towns, you don't have anybody. You don't even know anything.
You don't have an opportunity to know those people, you know.
So I think we could use, um...
I think we could use an exchange program.
So where I'm from, we'll send anybody some Randys and Darrels.
And "Red rover, red rover, send some Marias right over."
Spanish women.
Pretty cool.
Pretty cool, man.
It turned out actually that
I had a little bit more relation to Latinos than I thought
because my father was actually from Nicaragua.
And he migrated here.
I don't know. Migrate, is that for animals?
I don't even know what migrate is, but, anyway.
He came here in a V formation? I don't know how he got here. Okay?
But he came here in 1922.
My father was 70 when I was born. He was born in 1910.
Um...
Which is kind of crazy, man.
Dude, my grandfather was born in 1880.
Yeah, we didn't have any pictures of him.
[laughter]
Yeah, we had a description of my grandfather framed on the wall.
Somebody wrote down what he looked like and Mom framed it.
And I'd go up by it and be like, "Just like him.
I look just like him. I get it when Mom dies, okay?"
Anyway, so...
So anyway, my dad couldn't work.
And so my mom would work, and my father would be at home with us.
And that's information.
I'm giving you information,
because now I wanna tell you what happened, so...
When I was about nine years old, somebody died in our town.
And I had to go to the funeral, you know,
because my dad was always looking for free shit for us to do.
Yeah, I'm not joking, man. My dad, his favorite thing to do
was to get us a bag of pies from the Burger King.
And then he would drop us off at the funeral parlor,
see a couple of matinées, you know.
This was when you could still eat in the back of a funeral,
before all the legislation.
So, anyway, my dad had to get me a suit. It was my first time at funerals.
He had to get me a suit.
It was right before Halloween. He gets me a Beetlejuice costume.
Not as a joke, okay?
This is a 79-year-old man shopping for a suit.
He's at the pharmacy. He sees that swaggy one-piece suit.
He's thinking, "My son has been well-behaved.
I'm gonna get him this $11 select piece, okay?"
So fast-forward, I'm at a real funeral, okay?
Somebody is actually dead.
And I have on a Beetlejuice costume.
...suit, uh, cobwebs on the shoulders.
Now this is the part that really upset some locals.
I'm not sure if you have ever been to a funeral or not.
Or if you've ever just
met somebody that is dead, but...
There is like a unique moment.
If you've never seen a dead body, you get to go see it.
You get to go peek see, you know what I'm saying?
You get to go see one, you know?
It's kind of cool. Yeah, it is cool, man.
It is like, you get to-- A little insider trading, you know. Yeah.
So I hear that, I'm fuckin' second in line, right?
The mom is in front of me, the dad is behind me...
of the deceased, and I'm Beetlejuice, you know.
So I don't know what to do. It's my turn to go up.
I just start kind of waving at people.
Doing the baby otter.
Doing all my best shit.
What I don't realize, while I'm up there,
there is a knife in the back of the suit.
And the guy that died had been knifed out.
[audience groans]
Small world.
[laughter]
[cheering, applause]
Thank you.
Thank you, guys, for being a part of my life.
Thank you for welcoming me into your city,
and thank you for supporting my podcast.
[cheering]
Dang, baby.
I appreciate it, thank you. It means a lot to me.
And I hope to make it up to each one of you.
And I'll probably see you around town, so...
I'll probably have to, so...
Shit, I shouldn't have said that.
I want to thank you there, for supporting the podcast, man,
and you know we did a lot of stuff for single moms on there,
and we're going to continue to do it, so thank you very much.
[cheering, applause]
Thank you, man, I want to tell you this story.
One of the, uh, hardest working men I've ever known in my life is my mother.
-[cheering] -Oh, yeah.
That's the truth, man.
And one time, one of my favorite times as a child,
my mother won a perm on the radio.
Yeah, she won it outright.
Some family across town said they won it.
Like, "Bitch, we won it."
Dude, they came over to fight us for it.
They drove over in a van, and the lady gets out and she's like,
"Uncurl that bitch."
Like, "Mom already has it."
"Unroll that bitch."
"We ain't splitting a haircut."
Then they told us to go fuck ourselves, okay.
Got in their van to leave, and it wouldn't start.
And that's the epitome of where I am from, dude.
A bunch of people telling each other to go fuck themselves
and nobody can go anywhere.
[laughter]
[cheering]
Amen, baby. So are you.
And Mom got that perm, you know.
And that thing was tight, boy. Tight.
I mean she couldn't even--
She couldn't even turn her neck, she just...
like, "Go to bed!
Go to bed! I'm beautiful!"
And she looked beautiful, man.
You know, I had never seen my mother look taken care of
until I saw her come home, after this contest.
I'd never seen her look taken care of.
I'd never seen... She just worked every day I knew her.
Every day I knew her, she was going to work.
Or, you know, or sometimes I'd see her coming back from work, but
I just... I'd never seen my mother look, taken care of, you know.
And not that she has to like look a certain way
as a woman or anything. But just that...
I'd never seen the look in my mother's eyes
like somebody had cared about her.
And I remember just seeing her that day and just thinking to myself
just, "Mom's winning perms! Fucking anything is possible.
[cheering]
I'm gonna shit in the fish tank!"
Fuck fish, bro.
Land gang, dawg. I hate fish, bro.
If they wanted to start some shit, they'd come up here and start some shit.
Bubbling fucking bullshit underwater. Y'all are bitches, dawg.
Wet bitches.
Sorry, man.
Yeah, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said all or some of that, but...
But Mom got that perm, man, and at the time on the television
they had a commercial for Big Charlie's Chairs.
And this was a company, you know. And they selling,
you know, seatery, bros. Chairs.
And it said on the commercial, "The most comfortable chair
in the comfort of your own home."
And then the words "double comfort" would just flash on the screen.
In America, we'd never seen double comfort.
Remember?
Yeah, this is when we just had one amount of comfort, man.
And we were doing fine. We were comfortable.
Then some fancy fuckerelias come along.
Say he gonna "double" comfort?
Does the church know about this shit?
'Cause this sounds like the dark arts, baby.
[cheering]
[applause]
Thank you.
But the man looked reliable on the television.
You know, they sprayed him down with water to look him sweaty.
The man looked reliable, you know.
He had on an 11-piece suit, man.
Two pieces with a fucking chicken leg in each pocket.
You know what I am saying, bro. He's cheating.
He looked like a reliable man, on the commercial.
And he said, "If you call this 1-800 number
I'll bring the chair to your house
and I'll prove to you how comfortable it is."
So, he looked like a hard worker. My mother is a hard worker.
I'm thinking, I'm gonna hit the hotline, I'm gonna have him bring the seat
but I'm going to play cupid, I'm gonna set him up with my mom.
I am about to be the son of a furniture man.
So, I hit that phone line. A Vietnamese woman answered the phone.
I think, I have no idea, you know. I don't know, man.
Yeah, could have been a gay fellow had the wind knocked out of him.
[laughter]
I want to be fair, dude. I just want to be fair.
Like, "Big Charlie be there, four to six weeks."
That's close, man.
I am like, "Four to six weeks?" That's vague, you know.
But we'll wait.
I just didn't know how long that perm could hold out.
'Cause we'd never had a perm. We'd had two cats and we'd had a, um...
a magazine subscription.
You know, one of the ones where you get 30 magazines for four dollars
and they sue you?
We had that one.
So they said four to six weeks, man, and I would pray at night,
"Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the lord these curls to keep."
'Cause we needed that perm to hold the line, baby, you know.
I mean--
Name six families that win two perms on the radio?
Checkmate, bro.
So about three weeks later, my sister yells upstairs.
She said, "Theo, somebody is here for you!"
"And fuck you!"
She was a Sagittarius.
And I was in my room, you know. Probably just learning about my body.
Learned the same thing every time, bro.
I mean, look...
I should put on my resumé, "Bad Scientist," okay?
But I come running downstairs, man, and I am running.
And I am thinking, "Man...
this might be the last time I ever touch this freaking floor.
'Cause when I set my mother up with Big Chair Charlie,
we gonna have so many fucking chairs.
I might never see the floor again.
I'm gonna wake up out of my bed and step onto my new nightstand
and onto my love seat and onto my La-Z-Boy
and onto my sofa and onto my divan
and ottoman, ottoman, ottoman, and I'll be outside."
[cheering]
Fuckin' floors are for the poor.
And I get close to the front door, and I look over and see my mother
and she's like "Who in the hell is it?"
I said, "Go put on your nice robe
with the pockets in it."
[groaning]
And that perm was tight, it wasn't tight tight but
it had like one tight left in the chamber, you know.
It wasn't "go to dinner," but it was like "go to the casino, buffet" tight.
And then I open that door and first I see that chair.
And it looked like about six other discontinued chairs
kind of pieced together.
Real piece of shit, man.
A real piece of shit!
And then I'm looking for Big Chair Charlie
and he's not even there.
They had two adult lesbians standing there.
One of them, same exact haircut as me.
That's when I said, "Gang recognize gang, ladies."
[cheering]
I'd finally met my people.
And these beautiful Layelles come in the house.
And they bring the chair in with them.
And they set the chair down in the living room
and they sat my mother down in the chair.
And on the side of the chair, they had like a lever.
And the more you pull on the lever, the more comfort comes out of the chair.
Until you were unemployed.
[laughter]
They sit my mother down, she pulled once, she pulled twice,
and the third time the whole back of that chair
falls right the fuck off, okay?
My mother goes whistling right past unemployment
down towards disability.
But right as her head hit the ground, I swear to God,
that perm just bounced my mother right back up.
Just... Just...
Just like the Devil was throwing fastballs
but the Lord had out his catcher's mitt, you feel me?
[laughter]
And my mother threw us out.
Me and these beautiful adult lesbians, man,
and we fuckin' chest-bumped in the yard.
They wanted to, dude. I was underage.
And they drove off through our neighborhood.
And honestly, man, I-I didn't like our neighborhood.
I didn't like living in it.
I didn't like feeling through it.
It wasn't a safe place for me to feel through
and they had a family on our street called the Huffs, right?
They had eleven children, zero shirts.
One boy put pants on his arms around the holidays.
But this ignorant family-- Unfortunate, really.
This unfortunate family had done one of the smartest things...
one of the smartest things I'd ever seen.
They had taken a stop sign from somewhere.
Wherever you get free stop signs from, okay?
Probably memorial sites now.
I mean, that's sign math, daddy.
And...
and they put it directly along the street.
This is the street in front of their house, okay?
So you're driving, you're a driver. You're one who drives.
You see the stop sign. You stop.
But there's no cross street right there.
Just their house is right here.
And while you're wondering "What in the hell am I stopped for?"
The oldest kids would come up and sell you drugs.
Location, location, location.
And if you don't think you'll buy drugs when you're at a stop sign,
you don't know yourself.
And these beautiful adult lesbians stopped there
and bought a couple of bags of dope.
Moved into our neighborhood about a week later.
And made love to probably...
I bet probably at least almost eleven people's mothers
over the next decade.
And if that ain't double comfort...
I don't know what is, baby.
-I'm Theo Von, man! Thank you so much! -[cheering, applause]
Thank you, Nashville. I owe you. I love you.
Thank you very much for being a part of my life.
Thank you very much. Good to see y'all.
♪ Shine that light on me ♪
♪ I'll sit and tell you my stories ♪
♪ Shine on me ♪
♪ And I will find a song I will sing it just for you ♪
♪ And now I've been moving way too fast ♪
♪ On a runaway train With the heavy load of my past ♪
♪ And these rails that I've been riding on ♪
♪ They're worn so thin That they're damn near gone ♪
♪ I guess they that They just weren't built to last ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm gonna try ♪
♪ To make sense of what I can ♪
♪ Of where I'm going ♪
♪ Oh, and where I've been ♪
♪ Shine that light on me ♪
♪ I'll sit and tell you my stories ♪
♪ Shine on me ♪