Downloaded from YTS.MX
(dramatic music)
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
(upbeat electronic music)
(crowd screaming)
- [Kale] I'm coming babe. (crowd continues screaming)
- [Woman] Oh you're gone Kale. Fall.
(crowd continues screaming)
- Oh Kale. Damn. - Damn it.
* I don't know what you want from me, uh *
* I done gave you everything, pulled a lot of strings *
* Promised a wedding ring *
* I don't know what you want from me *
* I done gave you everything *
* Things I did got you out my lane *
* You want the storm so I made it rain *
* You ain't doing enough, baby *
* That's the reason why we cheat *
* I go hard for something real *
* And you know black men don't cheat *
* We might slip up baby but you know ain't nobody perfect *
* I know I did some shit that hurt you *
* But you ain't deserve it *
* But it's a different type of love, got me feeling nervous *
* Got butterflies in my stomach *
* That shit wasn't worth it *
* I did shit on accident, I swear it wasn't on purpose *
* Sitting there listening to my niggas *
* But that shit wasn't working *
* Dale's probably trying to get with you *
* I wasn't thinking about nothing else baby *
* I was into you *
* I don't know what you want from me *
* I done gave you everything *
* Things I did got me out my lane *
* You want the storm so I made rain *
* You ain't doing enough, baby *
* That's the reason why we cheat *
* I go hard something real *
* And you know black man don't cheat *
* Fuck love 'cause I'm tired of trying *
* And you know we both cheat baby *
* So why the fuck you crying *
* I don't think this gonna work out 'cause we always lying *
* Here go your keys in the door *
* That's just something on my mind *
* And I don't care what you do *
* 'Cause I already got my nig back *
- What are you expecting Jag?
You think he's gonna be different
because he's been different?
He's no different than any other man in your life.
- All man are cheat. - Not me.
- Yes James, even you.
* And you know we both cheat baby *
* So why the fuck you crying *
* I don't think this is gonna work out *
- Why won't this door open? I gotta pee.
I gotta pee. I gotta pee. - Okay, okay calm down.
- I can't take this dress off. - Wait we'll help you.
- I need the bathroom.
- Wait. - Uh uh, uh uh no.
You're not gonna pee in the sink.
- I've never been in a relationship before
so technically I can't cheat.
- In her eyes, you sleep with another woman,
you're a cheater just like any other cheater.
- No, I think you mean just like you.
- Yep, just like me. (upbeat music)
- I invited Jaguar. - You did what?
* That's the reason why we cheat *
* I go hard for something real *
* And you know black men don't cheat *
(upbeat electronic music) (door closing)
(energetic music)
- Stop what are you doing? - I'm about to burst.
- She has to pee.
(woman laughing) - Sorry.
- Child I was gonna help that girl pee, I already did that.
Hey baby, enough of that.
- 'Cause y'all stressing me out with this wedding shit.
We need this.
- Let's go add some more vodka to this.
- Mm vodka. - Can you put vodka in mimosas
is it nasty, would it be too much?
(upbeat music)
- Wynn Junior do you take Kale Aubrey
to be your lawfully wedded husband,
to have and to hold in sickness and in health
from this day forward?
I do. - You do what?
- Get married. - You can't get married.
- Why not? - Because you're a kid
and kids can't get married.
- Well, I'm getting married.
- To who? - Uncle Kale.
- Uncle Kale's like a hundred years old and he's your uncle.
- So he's nice. - You're stupid.
- No you're stupid. - You stupid.
- Well if I'm so stupid.
(rapid footsteps)
- The bathroom's behind you, this way in the bridal suite.
Okay, you're fine.
(all chattering)
You're fine, you're fine, it's just around the corner.
(all chattering)
Whoa! (all chattering)
Okay, okay. - Over here.
- Through here, bathroom this way or this way.
Right here, and okay, okay here, and listen here.
Toilet's here, and don't forget take the wedding dress off.
(energetic music continues)
- It won't come off.
- Then she's going to have to go with it on.
- Oh no Cathy, I don't wanna get piss stains
on my wedding dress.
- Rain, we've got you.
Whatever your name is and Rico, grab the dress,
lift it as high as you can.
Rain, put your arms around their shoulders.
I'll grab the legs. Now everybody lift.
(Cathy groans) And walk.
Okay, and keep walking.
(all chattering)
(Rain peeing) Good day to go commando.
- You guys,
I'm about to marry one of the few good niggas in this world,
and I don't have to do it with piss stains on my dress.
Woo. (energetic music continues)
- Have you you seen my kids?
Have you seen my kids?
Have you seen my kids anywhere?
(energetic music continues)
- [James] You made it.
(Jaguar gasping) (energetic music continues)
- Don't worry I'll find it. Ugh.
Sindy, where are you?
For you, I have children running wild,
and the groomsman is nowhere to be found.
- Actually, the groomsman's right here.
It's the best man that's nowhere to be found.
- Oh, right. I have the groomsmen here.
Do you have eyes on the best man?
Oh great. Bring him to the altar.
He's coming.
Oh watch where you're- Who's kids are those?
- What are y'all doing?
- She took my game. - What?
How could you take something
that you're not even supposed to have in the first place?
Remember you're on punishment for a whole week, no Nintendo.
- I'm getting married.
- Hey everybody, Tiffany is here.
- Oh my god. Worst best friend in the world.
Where have you been? - Nevermind all that honey.
But you look gorgeous, you look gorgeous.
I'm here, what's up, hi y'all, hi mom.
- Hi Tif. - Crazy girl.
- Okay. - Anyway, baby.
Do you have all your necessities?
- Necessities?
She walked in with the only necessity she needs.
- But yes I do Mommy.
I have my something old, my something new,
my something borrowed. - You welcome messy.
- And last but not least, my something blue.
My, my, my something blue?
- What is it? - What's wrong?
- What's going on? - Are you okay?
(Rain screaming)
- I called you. - A lot.
- Like 10 or 20 times. - I've been busy.
- You've been avoiding my phone calls.
- Why would I do that?
- Look Jag, what happened between us-
- Is in the past. - I get that.
But I feel like I need to- - Do what?
Lie to me, soothe my aching heart?
- Talk to you. - About what.
- About us?
- Us is a non-existent conversation,
as you so graciously pointed out that morning,
us never happened.
So how can we talk about something that never was?
- Mi familia. - And where were you?
- I was talking to Kale and why is everybody looking so sad?
- Because your children were running around wild
with no supervision. - Where were you?
I'm just saying.
Hey, where you going? - To check on the bride?
And that should give you enough time to zip up your pants.
- Huh?
(crowd chattering) (orchestral music)
- I'm father of the bride, father of the bride.
How are you doing lovely lady?
- I'm good.
- Father, I'm father of the bride.
Y'all have a wonderful time, I'm the father.
How y'all doing today? Hi, I'm father of the bride.
- Nice to meet you. - How you doing brother.
I'm father of the bride.
- No, no, no, no, no, no. - Oh hell no.
- I left it at home. - What?
- Left what at home?
- My pendant. It was my something blue.
- What the, what the hell is wrong with you,
we can find you something else that's blue, calm down.
- It won't be the same. - It's just a pendant.
- Are you sure it's not here? - Okay.
- Baby, did you look high, did you look low?
- Really? Do you see a blue pendant anywhere?
- Still looking. - No I don't.
- That's because it's not here.
(Rain screaming) (all chattering)
- When you get angry- - I don't even like all this-
(Rain crying)
- I knew I'd miss it. - Here baby, here.
- Baby look, this aint the right attitude.
Get it under control. (Rain crying)
- See, see right there, you are upset with me.
- Upset, why would I be upset?
You invited me to come, I'm here.
- After months of not taking my phone calls,
- I'm here. You called, I answered.
You invited me to come, I came.
I saw you, I smiled, we hugged.
What the fuck else do you want from me?
- Wow.
- I want my something blue. - Okay, okay, relax.
- Best friend, best friend, here.
- It's gotta be perfect. - You'll find it.
Come on, come on. (Rain crying)
- You too pretty, just messing it all up like that.
- It's all right. - Everything.
- I need it.
- Somebody get her a drink. She need a drink.
I didn't- - A stiff one.
- Lord have mercy. - I need it, I need it.
- Calm down. - The drink.
- Breathe, take a deep breath, come on.
(upbeat music) (Rain screaming)
- That's Rain. - No, no, no, no, no.
Kale, Kale, wait, wait Kale, Kale, damn it.
(Rain screaming)
You can't see the bride, Kale, listen to me.
- Where are you going? - To see what's happening.
- Mommy told us to stay right here.
- My groom is in trouble, I have to protect him.
- Nope, I'm not doing it. I'm not chasing after her.
Whatever trouble she gets herself into is on her.
I'm just gonna sit right here and mind my own business.
- You cannot go in there. (all chattering)
- Did you hear that scream, I know that scream.
I know that scream, that's my baby.
- You can not see the bride before the wedding, Kale.
Listen whatever's going on behind that door, I will fix it,
trust me. - No.
- What about me? What about me?
I'm the father of the damn bride.
That's what I'm talking about. - Wait, wait, no.
(all chattering)
Where my baby at, where my baby at?
(all chattering)
- No, no. - My baby.
- No, no, no. - I need my baby.
I'm gonna be her baby daddy. I'm gonna be her baby daddy.
I'm coming baby, I'm coming- - Man, relax, relax.
- Relax. - Breathe, breathe.
- Kale, I'm here. - Damn son, listen.
- Kale. - No, no, don't.
- Rain, Rain. - You can't go in there.
- Oh I want you so bad, I'm calling my own name.
- Come on man, relax. - Rain.
- No, no, no, no, no. - Oh lord, oh lord.
- Rain, Rain, she needs me.
My baby needs me, I wanna be, I wanna be there.
- What happened? - She lost her pen-
- Pendant. - Okay.
- My grandma gave it to me before she passed
and I promised her that I would wear it on my wedding day.
- It's okay, Rain.
We'll get you something else that's blue and pretty,
I promise. - I got this.
- And I'm gonna get a drink.
- I got this, I'm the father of the bride.
- Daddy. - I got this, I got this baby.
- No, but my grandma said that
I have to have that pendant on my wedding day
so that me and my husband to be can be happy forever,
but if I don't have that pendant, it backfires,
and then me and Kale will live an unhappy life
for the rest of my lives, so I need that pendant.
- No, she's right.
My mother may have been a little cuckoo
but she was always right about those pendants.
She told my Aunt Carlotta to wear hers and she refused to
because you said it clashed with her earrings.
- So what happened to Carlotta?
Did she have a happy marriage? - No.
She died with her hands wrapped around
my uncle Benny's throat,
but on the flip side, I wear mine every day,
I never took mine off,
and I believe that's why I have a strong marriage
filled with lots of sex, hot sex, that's how we made her.
- See? - Happy, ha.
- Look guys, the venue has another event here at five, so?
- I know you're not trying to kick us out.
- Absolutely not.
We have three and a half hours to get you married,
which is plenty of time. - No, no.
- [Cathy] If we start now.
- I'm not getting married without that pendant.
- Girl, I mentioned the- - You don't-
- Then tell me where it is and I'll go
and get my assistant to go and get it for you.
- Oh my God, thank you, thank you, Cathy.
It's, it's, oh, it's in my condo, in my panty drawer,
and I don't, no offense Cathy,
but I don't know your assistant like that so...
Oh my God, Wynn could you please go get my pendant?
- Okay, wait, you want me to drive across town
and dig through your panties to get pen?
- Pendant. - Great idea. Let's go.
Oh, and if you take the beltway,
you'll be there in half an hour.
- Yes, thank you, thank you, thank you.
- Hop to it, Wynn. - Breathe.
- Okay. - Good it's okay.
- You getting married. - Oh okay, all right.
- There you go. - Wait a minute.
- There you go. - All right.
- Slow down baby, slow down. What's going on, baby.
Let me get one of them. - Okay.
- That morning you wanted something from me
that I wasn't ready to give. - Excuse me, thank you.
- But it's something that you definitely deserve.
- James, don't let this wedding shit go to your head, okay?
I knew who you were before we had sex
and you definitely confirmed it after.
It's cool, for real.
Why do all men cheat? - What?
- You said you wanted to talk, right?
- About that? - Yeah, why not?
- Because that's not what's going on between us right now.
- I know that, we were never in a relationship,
so how could you possibly cheat on me, right?
- Precisely, so why do you wanna talk about cheating?
- Wear this shit all day, so my shit always be hurting.
- Mhm. This is so nice. (peaceful music)
- Oliver and I are not together.
What type of man do you think
your friend son's gonna grow up to be?
- Who? Mark Five? - Yeah.
- [James] I mean, he's a good kid.
I think he's gonna grow up to be a good person.
- [Jaguar] You think he'll be a cheater like his father?
- [James] You are really bugging right now.
- [Jaguar] I just don't get it,
you men meet these beautiful, strong, intelligent women
and y'all do everything in your power
to make us fall in love with you,
and the moment that we let our guards down
and open up our hearts to you,
you sleep with another woman
and then we are the ones left feeling like we're not enough.
- So is that how you're feeling right now?
- I'm not talking about me, I'm just speaking in general.
- [James] So you really wanna know why men cheat?
- [Jaguar] Yes, please, let's get into it.
- (sighs) All right, but if I tell you this,
you have to promise not to tell another soul.
I'm serious Jag, if the gentleman's magistrate finds out
I'm telling you secrets. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You'll be ostracized, I get it.
- [James] There are 10 reasons why men cheat.
Now I can go over 'em all with with you,
but I doubt we're gonna have the time.
- Oh, we'll definitely make the time.
- All right, reason number 10, potato chips.
(upbeat electronic music)
* Women wanna always suffer from some vision *
* Trying to figure out why men cheat, they blame themselves *
* It's not your fault ladies, let me tell you the real shit *
* Listen, men cheat 'cause they want to *
* Wanna run around them streets 'cause they want to *
* It doesn't matter what you do or don't do *
* Stab your back and they try to run and call you *
* Still wanna ball you when they want to *
Everybody likes potato chips, right?
- [Jaguar] I guess.
- [James] The only difference between a man and a woman
is that a woman will pick one flavor of potato chip
and that becomes all she ever eats.
Now for a man picking one flavor of potato chip
is just too difficult, I mean they all taste so good.
Plain, ruffles, salt and vinegar, sour cream and onion,
and especially barbecue.
* Listen emotional checking the game *
* I'm noticing it's worthless *
* It's actually the same thinking *
* I can't believe you're cheating *
* When you're the one who's tripping *
* For real, like for real, that's what I'm thinking *
* Want a woman who will hold you down and keep it tight *
* Independent but submissive when the time is right *
* They want hoes, my pulse with hands just right *
* Put you in the limelight, time for some insight *
(quiet moaning)
* And your excuses, give me some variety *
Mhm.
- What are you looking at? Who is that?
- No, you gotta go.
- Who? - No, no, you gotta-
- Who is that? - You gotta go.
Yeah, yep, go inside. - No, who is that?
James is this is what you do?
- Nice meeting you. - No, who is that bitch?
Who is that bitch?
* And a chick that will support your dreams *
* No attitude, your attitude is extreme *
* I'm so confused and every time I wanna scream *
* I had some other nigga play me *
- Oh, I'm so sorry, when I start jogging, I just zone out.
- It's okay, I do the same thing sometimes.
- I'm James. - Raquel.
* They cheat 'cause they want to *
* Wanna run around the street 'cause when they want to *
* It doesn't matter what you do or you don't do *
* Stab your back then they try to run and call you *
* Still wanna ball too, they cheat when they want to *
* Wanna run around the street 'cause when they want to *
- For real, really? So that's the kind of man you are?
- That was so nice, but I gotta go.
- Okay.
- You know we should do this again sometime?
- Absolutely. - How about tomorrow night?
You know, maybe we can have a little dinner
and then maybe round two?
- Tomorrow? - Yeah, tomorrow.
- Let's talk later. - What? Let's talk later.
I can't believe this, what kind of a man are you?
I just gave you all of this
and you can't even commit to one damn dinner.
- Lady I'm having a hard enough time remembering your name.
- It's Monique, asshole. I'm outta here.
- That's right, right. Monique.
The best thing that a woman can do is give a man sex,
now the worst thing she can do is take it away.
Hey, it's James, what you doing?
- Men are fucking animals.
- Not all men, we're just talking
about the ones that cheat.
- All men cheat. - All men do not cheat.
- Rain left her something blue pendant back in the condo
and she's freaking out about it.
- So why do I have to go with you to get the pen?
- Pendant, and you have to go
because we are married remember?
Now let's go. - Y'all heard the lady.
Let's go. - I can't leave.
I'm getting married today. - Little girl.
If you do not get up and leave,
if I gotta go, we all gotta go, damn these kids.
- What's going on? Excuse me, do you know what's going on?
We heard a loud scream earlier,
now we see that people that are in the wedding party
are actually leaving.
- The bride left something important in the condo,
and her friends offered to go and fetch it for her.
So you might as well relax,
it's going to be at least an other hour's wait.
- You going somewhere?
- Wedding planner just said
the wedding's not starting anytime soon.
So yeah, I'm going somewhere, anywhere, just not here.
- Okay. (water rushing)
- So when you said that potato chips
was the reason why men cheat
you were playing with me, right, got it.
- I wasn't talking about potato chips, Jag.
I was talking about sex, please keep up.
- Yeah, that's kind of what I thought.
- All right, look,
men can't just openly talk about women and sex anymore.
We can get into a lot of trouble for that shit
with the me too movement and all that.
- Oh okay. - So we gotta use code names.
Alright, so plain, plain's not plain,
plain is sex that you have access to on a regular basis.
- Okay. - Ruffles.
That's a woman's with a crazy body.
Salt and vinegar, that's sex with two women.
- Okay, so what's sour cream and onion,
having sex with two women who don't like each other?
- No, that's makeup sex. - Okay, and barbecue?
- Barbecue. That is the hottest sex you've ever had.
- So what's number nine?
- [James] Any woman who deliberately goes after
a married man or any man that's in a relationship
is considered a ninja.
* Party hard with the lights off *
* Flirting til I can't stop, feeling like I can't stop *
* Can't stop, can't stop *
* Feeling like I can't stop *
* Tell him keep the lights off *
* Coming til you're pretty and the drink's on me *
* Party hard with the lights off *
* Flirting til I can't stop *
- [James] The worst thing about an ninja
is that they have no moral compass.
They not only make it easy for a man, but they encourage it,
and you know it's funny too,
because women are always talking about how men cheat,
but who are we cheating with?
- Ninjas. - Exactly.
Ninjas want the man and they don't care about the women
they gotta jump over to get to him.
* Shake my ass in a circle *
- [Jaguar] Don't stop on my account.
- [James] Add that to the fact
that there are a lot of ninjas out there
and you can understand
why it's so hard for a man to be faithful.
I mean, in Atlanta alone,
I think the ratio of women to men is like 24 to one.
Seriously, I looked it up on the internet,
and that's taking into account the men in prison
and the brothers that are gay.
(crowd cheering)
* From Chicago to Vegas *
* Houston to Calabasas *
* Can't stop, won't stop *
* Oh this beat contagious *
* We're rocking by the masses *
* A lotta dope flavors *
* Heads up before we hate you *
* So fit you can't blame her *
* Shake, shake what your mama gave you *
* I'm popping bottles, bottles *
* We party hard with the lights off *
* Drinks on me, yeah, move to the beat, yeah *
* Drinks on me, yeah, move your feet, yeah *
* Vibing to this selfish beat *
* Coming to your city, yeah *
* We party hard with the lights off *
- Oh my god. - Hey.
(all cheering)
(smooth electronic music)
* Let me see your moves baby *
- Okay, good. - Hey, where's the Wynn?
Hello, hey, hey. Where's Wynn.
- Wynn? * Let's get high girl *
- Wynn, your wife. - Oh, Wynn?
Oh, she at the house with the babies.
- Okay, why are you not there?
- Because I'm here, duh.
- Ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies.
- I need to go to the ladies room.
- Me too, me too. - Everybody-
(crowd chattering)
- Excuse us that's what we do. - Where you going?
- [Kale] There's a hunger inside me.
* Money on my mind, but that's all to keep you on it *
* You're the main topic, 'cause you're the whole stop *
* Make me touch the sky, hey *
* Come and help me pop it *
* Roll up, let's get high *
* What's on your mind *
* I ain't here to play games *
* I'm just trying to get it popping *
* I flow like this often, your body is awesome *
- [James] Some ninjas are so desperate to be with man,
that he could straight up tell her,
- [Mark IV] I'm married.
* Curiosity make me wanna see while I'm rolling up this weed *
- [James] And she will still have sex with him.
* I know you got options, I hope I fit your plans *
- [Mark IV] Hey, imma need that back.
* I love the way you dance *
* Come do it on my lap and I'm gonna throw this bread *
* And I aint got *
- Oh shit. (both moaning)
I don't even know your name, but damn.
- Mommy, where's daddy? - He's out with his friends.
- Why is he not here with us.
- [James] You know what the absolute worst thing
about a ninja is? - What?
- [James] You'll never see her coming,
but you can always feel that death blow when she strikes.
(peaceful music)
- [Jaguar] Okay, let me recap real quick.
- Okay.
- So the number 10 reason why men cheat is potato chips.
- Yep. - And number nine is ninjas.
I cannot wait to hear the ridiculous name
that you men have for the number eight reason why men cheat.
- Fine, you ready? - I stay ready.
- ABC. - Like the alphabet?
- No, no, no, like the hip hop group.
They had that Teddy Riley New Jack swing vibe
back in the early nineties.
- With the little kids? - Exactly.
- How does ABC equate to men cheating?
- Men are like children when it comes to sex.
They don't care anything about the women
that they sleeping with,
all they care about is sleeping
with as many women as possible
and then bragging to their boys about it.
- Are you serious? - As Covid 19.
- That's childish. - Boys to men, ABC, BBD.
* I don't know what you want from me *
* I done gave you everything, pulled a lot of strings *
* Promised a wedding ring *
* I don't know what you want from me *
* I done gave you everything *
* Things I did got me out my lane *
* You want the storm so I made it rain *
- Damn. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
* That's just something on my mind *
* And I don't care what you do, 'cause all these *
- Yeah. * Your friends gonna be mad *
- What up, what up, what up. * 'Cause I did you like that *
You all right, you all right, you good?
Oh man. Where the girls at?
- They're over there, they're over there.
- All right, all right. - All that fatty tissue.
- Bro, but look, look, bro,
but look what I, guess what I just did.
* I'm sorry *
* I don't know what you want from me *
* I done gave you everything * - Get the fuck out of here.
* Things I did got me out my lane *
- With who, that thickie there you just left the club with.
- Bro I'm telling you yes,
her name was Bridget, I did that?
- Where, where did you do it, where did you lay the smack-
- The parking lot, man, her car.
* Black men don't cheat * - Incredible, incredible.
- That's what I'm trying to tell you.
- Freaking incredible! - You a single man bro.
You don't need a woman. - I don't need no woman.
- Holding you down, and keeping you from your fun.
- Keeping me from my fun?
- You wild, you an animal, go be free.
- I am? - Man, you see that?
That's for you, right there.
Come on man, let's go check it out.
- I don't want, I don't need this drink.
(footsteps approaching) (glass clinking)
(Kale making robot noises)
- Hello? - Hi.
- My name is Kale, would you like to dance?
Have this dance? - You're kidding, right?
- No, no, ma'am.
- I have a better idea, Kale. Let me buy you a drink.
- I don't, I don't really drink.
- Four tequila shots, please.
- I don't really drink like that.
I don't, I stopped drinking.
I was a wild young man, I ceased the days of wild.
- All right, look Kale, right?
- Yes, yes.
- The problem with you is
you are just like everybody else in here.
You are all in the wrong lane. - I, I don't understand that.
- You're a man, right? - Yes, last time I checked.
- You watch the Olympics? - The good events only.
- Okay, think of dating like the 100 meter dash.
- Oh yes, I'll pay for it. - I got it. I got it.
Thank you, I'm in lane one and you're in lane eight,
when the gun goes off, you can't just run to lane one.
you're not fast enough.
In order for you to win the race,
you have to stay in your own lane.
- Okay, all right. In my own lane I go, in my own...
(Kale coughing) - All right.
Look over there, look, look, look, look all right.
Now you see those group of beautiful innocent girls,
the one that no guys are talking to,
but they're still having a good time?
- Ah, yeah, I see 'em. - That's your lane.
- Ooh, it is? Goodness.
- Here. - I don't really drink.
This is not my, I don't really...
I'm a man's man. I'm a man's man.
- Yes, I'm gonna make a man outta you yet Kale.
- Ah. - You got this.
All right now look, look, look, look.
Now you see the big woman right there
with the pretty white man? - Yes.
- [Jaguar] All right, now look,
they are both in the wrong lane.
- [Kale] Wrong lane.
- They will never win the dating race
because she needs to be with someone more stable,
and he needs to be with someone just as pretty as he is.
- Like a supermodel. - Yes, Kale.
Like a supermodel. - Like a supermodel.
- [Jaguar] But supermodels don't like skinny men.
They like athletes, but athletes like Beyonce.
- [Kale] Like Beyonce.
- [Jaguar] And freaky girls want a good man,
and a good man wants a good woman,
but a good woman doesn't want a good man,
she wants a bad boy and a bad boy wants a pretty girl,
and the shit just keeps going and going, and going.
- All right, yeah, I think I know what you saying alright.
- [James] That was real impressive
that whole 'round the club thing with my friend there.
- Who Kale, he's your friend? - And my accountant.
James, what's your name?
- Jaguar St. Claire
- Jaguar, like the car? - Like the cat. (purrs)
(both laughing)
- [Oliver] Uh, what's so funny?
- Nothing, we were just being silly.
- Actually, I was about to give your woman my card,
but since you're here, I'll give it to you.
- What do you do?
- I'm a home improvement realtor.
So I help you improve your home,
and then I help you sell it at twice the market value.
- How's that working out? * I'm not trying to be yours *
- Why don't you give me a call and find out?
- Right, well, I think we need to leave.
* I'm too good of a man to be played like a fool *
* I don't play them type of games, babe *
* I was born in my lane girl *
- Everything alright? - I'm good, thanks.
- Baby, slow down. - I can not slow down,
gotta get the pendant, hurry back to the wedding
before they start rearranging for the next wedding.
- Babe, will you please slow down before you kill us all?
- What about we don't have a lot of time
that's not connecting with your brain right now.
- Look, just, just take the next exit up here.
I know a shortcut. (tires squealing)
You gonna get us all killed, what, you serious?
(car rumbling)
What happened? - We have a flat tire.
- Oh well, now that's not, that's not my fault.
(upbeat music)
- I see you, Mark III. - Your seat.
- No, no, no darling, that's too close.
That altar's like a magnet to me, you know?
Need to sit me somewhere in the back.
- Uh I got you. Here in the back.
- Excuse me. (James laughs)
Perfect spot right here, yes indeed.
How you doing now?
Don't smile to hard, don't look too tough now.
It's a long time you're gonna get to see an old school G
like this right here.
Let's get this thing started.
(upbeat music continues)
- I figured you might be thirsty.
- Thank you.
But I don't know why you trying to act like
you care about somebody other than yourself.
- It's a bottle of water Jag, not a car note payment.
- Okay?
Now, what's the number seven reason why men cheat?
And I'm hoping that it's a little more insightful
than just sex and men and women being silly,
which is basically just stating the obvious.
- Now you only feel that way
because you're being close minded to the facts.
When I tell you that a man desires a woman and sex,
that's all you hear
but what I'm actually saying to you is
that a man desires sex with his woman,
and it's the rejection of that desire
that opens up the possibility of another woman.
- It's funny how you can take garbage
and wrap it up into a nice little bow
and make it seem like it's Christmas,
tell me number seven.
- All right, number seven is complicated,
so please pay attention.
It's called ready, set, hold up, wait-a-minute.
* You trying to figure out if you wanna stay single *
You see, as soon as a man takes that first step
towards a relationship,
something tells him to hold up and look around.
That's when he realizes that he might not be ready.
- Delicious, yes. - Ready?
- [James] So now the question becomes,
do I jump into a relationship with the woman of my dreams,
or do I stay free to enjoy
all of the beautiful women around me?
- It is the hard in the house tonight?
Stand up and turn around, show everybody-
- [James] Right when we're ready to make our decision.
- This is wonderful. - We get pushed.
- What are we, what are we doing Kale?
- We are having cake, we are having cake and eating it too.
They said it couldn't be done, but here we are.
- [Rain] We're going out on these fancy dates.
You texting me good morning,
I'm meeting your family and friends.
I think, I think you trying to marry me.
Do you wanna marry me Kale?
(Kale choking)
Baby are you okay, breathe, breathe baby, breathe.
You okay?
Oh, there's nothing. - Garçon.
Garçon. - Baby.
- Garçon. - Garçon means boy.
- Garçon, garçan, garçanrda, garçanrda.
Garçan, garçanrda, must be le garçon, le garçon,
le garçon, miss garçon.
Woo, could you bring us your finest dessert wine.
- Hey mommy. - Hi pretty.
- Hey sissy, look at you all cute.
- Thank you.
- What is this place? - Oh, it's Russo's.
They got the best pizza in town, mama.
- Ooh, well, pizza.
- Me and Kale come here all the time for our dates.
- Okay. I like it.
All right, so what's going on?
What's with this pizza meeting?
- Well, I'm getting married.
- To who? - To Kale.
- The goofy guy? - He's not goofy. He's cute.
- Let me see the ring. Come on.
- Well, I didn't put the, huh huh huh on him yet mama.
- The huh huh? Oh hell no.
You told your daughter to huh huh?
- Yes, I did, and? - Why?
- Kale's a good guy,
plus she loves him. - Kale is a goofball.
- That's why your ass ain't got a man.
- I'll have you to know I have a slew of men, honey.
- You know none of their last names,
and none of them give a shit about you.
- Baby, listen to your aunt Maggie.
You can't be out here giving
premature ejaculation marriage announcements
based on a sex remedy
that's been passed down to our family for centuries,
trying to secure a marriage proposal,
you just can't do it,
especially to a goofball like Kale.
And you're too young for the huh huh.
- Why you tripping? - You do realize the huh huh
hasn't been used since- - Me.
- And I'm gonna do it tonight.
(fabric rustling)
(slaps ringing) - Whatta-cha.
Ride it, ride it, ride it, ride it, ride it, ride it.
- Oh get it Kale. - Ridin' ridin' riding.
- Just like that Kale, yeah.
- Kale, Kale, does it well, Kale, Kale, Kale.
This Kale coming up the block, he's bucking.
Kale is bucking, Kale is bucking, Rain is bucking.
(lamp clattering) (Kale groaning)
- You're the man. - I am.
(Rain moaning) (fabric rustling)
- Oh good boy, you're graceful.
- Now its time to give you the huh huh.
- The huh huh? - Mhm.
- You want me to tell a joke? I do like jokes.
I enjoy a pleasurable sexual joke that makes me-
(Kale groaning)
What you do? What are you doing?
(Kale groaning)
Who taught you that? You're taking it away from me.
It's not mine, it's yours, I can't feel anymore.
It's a suction, it's a hoover 2000, 3000, 6000.
Oh you sauteed my Kale.
- [Rain] Now let's get down to business.
- That, that was the business.
- You're going to marry me, Kale, say it.
You're going to marry me, aren't you, Kale?
- I'm going marry you. - Say it loud.
- I'm gonna marry you. - Say it with your chest.
- I'm gonna-
- [Jaguar] Are you saying
that women force men into relationships?
- [James] When we're not ready, yes.
- [Jaguar] We can't force you to do something
that you don't wanna do, James.
- Oh really? - Will you marry me?
(both groaning)
(children arguing)
- It's so unbelievably insane. - Never in your life.
- [Mark V] You're not gonna get married.
- I am gonna get married. - No you're not.
Stop saying that. - I am, I am, I am, I am.
- You're not. - Mommy tell doodoobrain
that I am gonna get married. - Yes.
You'll get married, sweetheart.
- Always something.
- I'm gonna get married. - No you're not.
Stop saying that- - Yes I am.
- It's so annoying. - You're too ugly.
- [Mark V] You're not gonna get married to Uncle Kale.
He's like a hundred years old. - Yes I am.
- [Mark V] You're not gonna get married,
he's your uncle by the way. - Oh my god, you guys, quiet.
Not another word. (car beeping)
It's unbelievable.
(car beeping) (turn signal clicking)
(door thudding)
- So no spare.
- What do you mean there's no spare?
- Exactly what I said. No spare.
Remember you wanted to use the back
for a secret travel compartment
or something like that for some bags,
and now we have no spare.
No spare, we're on the side of the road, just stuck here,
shouldn't have never listened to you.
- You know what, call the insurance.
They'll come, they'll change the tire, simple solution.
- No, that, that takes up a lot of time.
Remember, as you've been screaming,
we don't have a lot of time.
(both sighing) (belt clicking)
(Wynn screaming)
(horns honking)
(car rumbling)
(door thudding) (orchestral music)
- I don't understand why we're stopping my wedding
for a pendant.
- Because it's blue,
and Rain feels if she doesn't wear it today,
then you guys will never be happy.
- I knew it, I knew it, she's not gonna marry me.
She's too, she's too good for me.
(Kale hyperventilating)
That's right, you deserve better, you deserve better Rain.
You deserve better. - Kale, calm down.
- Calm down, please. - No.
I just want everything to be perfect,
it's my day. - Calm down, girl.
- Mom, Wynn's not gonna make it.
Oh my, I'm not getting married today.
- Baby, baby, gimme Wynn's cell phone number?
I'll call and see where she is, yes.
- 'Cause you're stressing me out.
- Baby I'm gonna try to help you. Help me help you.
I need the number. - You're messing your hair up.
- IG, Twitter, Myspace?
- So what's the number six reason why men cheat, James?
- Number six is called the torch,
but we should probably head back upstairs.
- Yeah, you probably right. (upbeat electronic music)
* It's harder than we going *
* Knowing you are with my girl *
* Trying to be a good dude *
* But it's harder 'cause I want you in my world *
* So what am I supposed to do now *
* Tell him to be a good dude in these eyes *
* Play it safe and get home *
* Bad guy loose, good guy loose *
(dramatic music)
(door slamming)
(man coughing) (door slamming)
- What's going on, pop?
- [James] When a man reaches a certain age,
there's always an older man there
that wants to pass on his wisdom
about women and relationships, we call that the torch.
- Let me tell you two something, don't ever get married,
that shit ain't natural.
It ain't meant for a man to be with just one woman.
I was cheating my poor mom till the day she died.
- [James] Women expect a man to be a man
because physically he's a man,
but mentally, most men have no idea
what being a real man truly means.
We've been taught to never love
and to sleep with as many women as possible
by men who are not good men either,
our fathers were cheaters, our grandfathers were even worse.
If you really wanna know a man, ask him about his history,
see how he treats the women around him today.
- That's right. That's right Rain.
You deserve better, you deserve-
(bright music)
- What are you doing over there?
- Just gotta get some work done.
- Oh my Lord, you look good, look at you.
Kale, you know how good looking you are,
and I know you want me. - I look good?
- You do, but this tie, I don't know, I want it to come off.
You're so cute, I just love you.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Kale? - Some air.
- Everyone give him some space, give him some space.
- Hey, hey. - Back up, back up.
(birds chirping)
- Kale? - Kale, you're okay.
- Oh my god Kale, you don't look too good.
You sure you don't need anything?
- He don't look too good. - Oh you don't look too good.
Are you okay? (all gagging)
- Round two. - Sindy?
Get me maintenance to the altar now.
Don't worry Kale, I'm going to get you cleaned up.
There, there, okay? - That'll nice.
- What, wait a second, have you seen me? Look at this shit.
I've got vomit all over me, gosh dang it,
somebody help me. - Sorry about that.
(guest gagging)
- I'll get my assistant to take care of you, wait there.
Everyone else back to your seats.
- So what's the number five reason as to why men cheat?
- Free throws. - Free throws?
Like in basketball? - Exactly.
You see the best way to shoot a free throw
is to get into a routine that's comfortable for you,
you keep the same routine
the shots should fall every single time.
(peaceful music) (hoop rattling)
Women get into a relationship
and become something different.
They start off fun and exciting.
But as soon as the relationship gets serious, the fun stops.
Now all of a sudden, that amazing spontaneous woman
has become stale, like old crackers,
you don't put on makeup anymore, you don't dress up,
you rarely even smile.
Every day it's the same old free throw.
Wake up, get the kids off to school, go to work, come home,
put the kids to bed, go to sleep.
(orchestral music) (ball bouncing)
(hoop rattling)
(Wynn snoring) (hoop rattling)
(orchestral music continues)
(Wynn crying) - That's bullshit. Sorry.
Women take care of the household,
there has to be a routine.
- Okay.
* Hey yo * (upbeat electronic music)
- Wynn? - Are you Clay?
- Yeah, yeah. Goddamn, okay, okay.
I gotta drive these people, make it back, okay, we good?
I'm gonna set my phone up, everything gonna be all right.
Set my phone up, it's beautiful.
You good?
- If he would've just let me stay
on that main road like I wanted to,
we wouldn't have a flat tire right now.
- It's really my last month driving Uber.
- Cool. - I'll wash your body.
Have ever been to, you know, the Canali breakfast
uh, Waffle House? - With you man or something?
Yeah like I can just really just jump in your body
and make you drive to wherever you-
- Just stop fighting. - Like really?
- Y'all should probably listen to y'all daughter.
- [Mark IV] Maybe you should just shut the hell up
and drive. - I'm sorry, can you, Mr...
- Jellybean, Black Jellybean.
- [Mark V] Now you know your name is not no-
- My name is Jellybean.
- Okay, well, Mr. Black Jellybean,
my husband's friend is getting married today,
but the bride to be, she forgot her something blue.
It's this pendant.
And without that pendant, it's gonna be a wedding,
but it's not gonna be a marriage so.
- She's not answering. - Shit.
- Oh my God. - How's she doing?
- Not good. - Hell done broke loose.
- Well... - Literally.
- Everything out there is fine.
Kale, basically he fainted at the altar.
Yeah, just for a minute,
he got a little sick all over some lady,
but everything is going as planned.
- Okay honey, see, everything is going as planned.
We're good.
- So throwing up on someone is going as planned?
- Kale fainted on someone and threw up.
It's not going as planned.
- Oh here we go again. - Indeed.
- Come here, come here. - I'm coming bestie.
- Please. - I told you
he was a goofball. - Damn.
- So what's the next reason why men cheat?
- Number four is what women like to call big foot.
* What these niggas want from us women *
* Yeah, yeah *
* We trying to figure out *
* What these niggas want from us women *
* Wait, better yet let me ask something first, listen *
* What us women want from you niggas *
* R.I.P. DMX *
* What we want, we really want, listen *
* Hey yo *
- Hey Wynn, can I ask you a question?
How big are Mark's feet? - What?
Well, I heard they really big.
- You can't ask that. - Really Rain?
- Look, we all wanna know why you still messing with Mark?
You know he's a scumbag, come on, trash, trash.
- Because everybody knows size matters, that's why.
* Hey yo *
Me and myself, I like men with big feet, you know?
But they're just too damn impossible to find.
- [Both] Like Bigfoot.
- Yup, just like that. Just like that.
- [James] If women could just keep quiet
and not tell their friends about where Bigfoot is
and where he's hiding,
then those friends wouldn't try and capture 'em
and keep 'em all to themselves.
- [Jaguar] Okay I agree
that women should not tell their friends
about the size of their man's feet,
but that's not a reason for a man to go cheating on her.
* Hey yo *
- So what if you don't like Bigfoot?
I mean, what if he's just too big?
* Now there was Brenda who ran up on me *
* With her partner Felicia *
* To snitch on Lou for always liking pics from Alicia *
* His sister Teresa told me about this hoe name Nicki *
* She crept with him late nights *
* On the weekend with Vicki *
* Now Cookie all saw them at the ice cream parlor *
* While I was brunching with my girls *
* Diane, Lori, and Carla, Marlina,
Selena, Katrina, and Pam *
* About three Kims DM'd me on Instagram. *
* What these niggas want from us women *
* Be good pay attention *
(upbeat music)
* I got some weed left *
* I got a few visas *
* Okay I got 10 visas *
* Just listen baby *
(Wynn crying) (upbeat music continues)
* I got a feeling that you're the one for me *
* I love when you do what you do *
* I can't stop myself from loving you *
* While I taste my baby *
* Taking selfies for double dates *
* Roll up, blaze, and funny face *
* Everything I imagine, love for a trace *
* When I want to lash out and give some shade *
* I look into your eyes, see a better day *
- It's big? - Oh so big.
- Uhuh, tell me again. - It's so big.
- Oh is it? - Oh yes, yes.
- How big is it? - So big.
- How big? Yeah. - You're bigfoot big.
Call me bigfoot. - Bigfoot.
Oh bigfoot, oh bigfoot. - That's right.
- Which brings us to number three, nagging.
Now sometimes this is actually number one.
- You do realize that the only reason why women nag
is because men do so many stupid things.
- I mean, I get that,
but what women also need to stop doing is lying
about how much those things bother them,
and actually talk about the real issues.
Just like you and I sitting here talking about this,
when it's not what's going on?
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- You didn't take out the trash last night,
and I know you was with that bitch
that you was jacking off to on the computer the other night.
You thought I didn't see that, huh?
That's fine, you wanna have sex with that bitch,
do it, have at it,
but the least you could do is take out the goddamn trash.
(Kale peeing) (Kale grunting)
- Oh my goodness, get outta there, get out of there.
Get out of there, get out of there, get whoop whoop.
(Kale vomiting)
Stay in there, stay in there.
(Kale groaning)
(Kale vomiting)
Oh, oh. Oh.
(Kale vomiting)
Oh, woe is me
(water running)
Get it, get it together Kale.
Okay, you can do this, you can do this Kale.
(upbeat electronic music)
- Come on, man. (Mark snoring)
Mark. Wake up man.
Come on, wake up, I got an early appointment,
you gotta go. - You tripping.
Man, you gotta get some better couches in here.
- Ain't nothing wrong with my couches,
you need to stop cheating on your wife.
- What? Who are you to lecture me on cheating?
- I've never cheated a day in my life.
- Of course not.
You've never been in a relationship in your whole life.
- That's why I don't need to cheat.
(soft knocking) What up?
- Excuse me, sir? - Yes, Ethyl?
- [Ethyl] You 7:00 AM is here.
- Excellent, please show her in.
- Okay. - As you can see,
I have a 7:00 AM appointment. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Whoa. - Hey James.
- Excuse me sweetheart. - For real?
- Wait. - Not you.
- I made us reservations for Red Lobster later,
I even wore your favorite color today, wait.
- Thank you. - Huh, who, who was that?
- That's Brill, don't worry about it. Long story.
- So sorry about that. - It's alright.
- Your real seven o'clock is here.
- Thank you, please show her in.
- Okay. - Come on man, hurry up.
- I am stop rushing me.
- Is this a bad time? - Oh man, oh man.
- So Jaguar like the cat, how can I help?
- [Jaguar] Well.
I found this in my purse the other day.
That was smooth.
My fiance and I are moving to Paris next year.
- So you're getting married and moving to Paris?
- Yes. - That's awesome.
- Thank you, and I would like to sell my house
before we leave, but it needs work.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna write down my address.
How soon can you get started?
- I mean, the sun's about to come up right now.
(upbeat electronic music) (birds chirping)
Wow, this is cool. Is it yours or is it his?
- Does it matter? - To me it does.
All right, so for a hundred grand,
I can turn this into a multi-million dollar home.
- You haven't even seen the interior.
- I don't need to see the interior, I'm good at what I do.
All right, I'm thinking we take down the vines,
power wash the stone, trimmings,
you know, take care of the trees.
I can start next week if you want.
(upbeat electronic music continues)
So what I'm thinking is we can update these hardwood floors.
Oh, and the weeds outside, don't even worry about that.
I can replace it and make it look
like the dirt gave birth to the grass yesterday.
- Are you carrying a gun, James?
- [James] What?
(upbeat electronic music continues)
- A big boy. - Oh yes.
- I'm a big strong boy. Yeah, yeah.
(both moaning)
Oh yes.
- Yes. - Come on, come on, come on.
Give it to me. (moaning continues)
- Is that your man in there?
- Yes. (moaning continues)
- Yes. - You like that?
- Shit. - Oh yes.
- [James] Do you want me to hurt him for you?
- What? (moaning continues)
No, this is common.
* She sleeping with my man, but I thought she was a friend *
* Now I'm 'bout to put my hands on her, on her *
(loud moaning) (slaps thudding)
(women screaming)
- What the bloody hell. - Help him.
* I'm 'bout to put my hands on her, on her *
- Help, someone help. - Shut up, get in my car.
Get in. - Let's go.
Ah, come on, move the car. (car roaring)
- Thank you. - It's all right.
(peaceful music)
- Hey James how's business?
- It's good, Sammy.
- All right, you want the usual today?
- Chocolate sundae, let's get it.
- All right I got you. - Thanks man.
- Hey Sam, another round of chocolate over here.
- All right, I gotcha. - Jaguar?
Are you okay? - James!
My night in shining armor, come have some ice cream with me.
(peaceful music continues)
Wait, how'd you know I was here.
- I didn't, I just came in to get a chocolate sundae.
- All right, here y'all go. - Thank you, Sam.
- Right on time, oh. - Of course, no problem.
(Jaguar slurping)
- My boyfriend was cheating on me with a fat chick.
Can you believe that crap?
Talk about a self-esteem killer.
At least she was cute though, right?
- What kinda ice cream are you eating,
because if I didn't know any better,
I'd swear you were drunk.
(Jaguar shushing)
- Don't say that, come here, come here.
It's called vodka cream.
I invented myself like just half hour ago.
- And how many vodka creams have you had?
- Just this one, and wait,
five, six more right before this one.
You want some? - Jag, Jag, whoa.
Hold on, hold on, wait, wait, wait.
I got you, okay, okay, okay.
I got you, I got you. - I got it.
- [James] There you go, there you go.
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
All right, just easy, easy.
All right, you gotta get the door for me.
- [Jaguar] Okay. (keys jingling)
Thanks for bringing me home. I'm good from here.
I wish I was a man.
Men don't give a shit about love and relationships.
It's like you guys built a mechanism inside you
that allows you to shut down love
without ever feeling a thing,
but women we're just not built like that,
for a woman love is our one thing
that sets us apart from any other being.
It's like God entrust with his deepest, purest,
most valuable emotion to hold in our hearts,
and only give it to those whom we deem worthy of it.
So when you cheat on us, it's like you're killing
the best thing about us. (water splashing)
- Shit, Jag. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
(water splashing)
God dammit. (James panting)
Shit, hold on Jag, hold on, hold on.
(peaceful music)
- [Jaguar] Where's your girl at James,
because I know you've got one or two or three.
Is she at home waiting for you,
'cause that's what we do, you know, we wait for you.
- I, I don't believe in girlfriends.
- Good for you.
Why break one heart when you can break 'em all, right?
You know what I'm like James?
I'm like that big fish that all the fishermen want to catch
and no one wants to keep.
You just want to take a picture with me
so they can show me off to their friends
and throw me back into the water.
(peaceful music continues)
- You're awake. - You're still here.
- I didn't wanna leave you.
- Because of the whole swimming pool thing?
I'm not suicidal. - I didn't say you were.
Oh, I used your dryer, I hope you don't mind.
- That's cool.
I don't know why I'm taking it so hard,
all men cheat, I know that.
My father was the worst of them all,
he used to take me with him while he cheated.
I was like his alibi or something.
I'd be sitting in one room watching TV
and he'd be having sex in another.
- So then you grew up expecting men to cheat?
- I grew up wishing they wouldn't, but knowing they will.
- I should go.
- If I ask you to stay, would you?
I know that you barely know me
and I have no right to ask you this,
but I could really use a friend right now.
(relaxing music)
* Reese on the drop, Reese on the drop *
* I just wanna give you something that's so unusual *
* I'll give you that late night loving *
* That you don't get at all *
* Yeah, yeah, yeah *
* I swear this song going off the deep end *
* Oh, oh, yeah, oh, oh, yeah *
* You say you're never home, you want me come over *
* Babe I wish I could *
* But that's the definition of a home wrecker *
* So get a hotel *
* I promise imma be there. *
* Now while I'm driving you Snapchat pics of your kitty cat
*
* It could be our secret if you keep it *
* I can be your secret, girl if you keep it *
* Baby girl, I'm trying to get it on yeah *
* She know these homies like a sing along, yeah *
* I swear this feeling got me going all night *
* Whoa, yeah, yeah *
* I just wanna give you something that's so unusual *
* I'll give you that late night loving *
* That you don't get at home, yeah *
* I swear this song gone off the deep end *
- That was amazing, I've always wanted to do that.
- Wait you've never done that before?
- Never.
- Well, I am honored to take you out for your first time.
- Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.
- You're very welcome.
- All right, so I had a question for you.
- Okay.
- What is the prettiest thing
that you've ever seen in your life?
- I'm a man baby, I don't do pretty.
- Come on, you're human and you have eyes right?
You can't tell me that
there's never been anything pretty that you've seen.
What is it?
Wait, wait, and you can't say me either.
- Okay.
Rain.
- Your friend's fiance?
- What no, what are you? God no.
- Okay my bad, my bad, I'm tripping.
You're talking about that cold, cloudy,
thunder and lightning kind of rain.
- I'm talking about that rain
that only happens on a sunny day,
now it lasts for about five minutes,
doesn't happen very often,
but when it does, it is the prettiest thing I've ever seen.
You know the cool thing about it?
- What?
- When it's over, it's always sealed with a rainbow.
- Is that the truth? - I never lie, nah.
You're thinking about us, aren't you?
- I'm thinking about a lot of things.
- Yeah, but you're mainly thinking about us.
- So what's the number two reason why men cheat?
- Number two is called Valentine's Day.
* Ice cream, got the ice cream today *
* Ice cream * (James laughing)
* Ice cream 'bout to play with that *
* Ice cream, put the sprinkles in the whip, aye *
* Ice cream, got the ice cream aye *
- Calibrating, calibrating.
(children laughing) (crowd chattering)
- A bag throw, I'm gonna need you to come with me.
* I heard they mad, hi, bye haters *
* Watch with the whip, I do the dip *
* Take you round trip, that's how imma do *
* Sprinkle in the whip, I do the dip *
* Ice cream, got the ice cream whip, aye *
* Ice cream, yeah I'm cold off the rim *
* Ice cream, got to play with that whip, aye *
* Ice cream, put the sprinkles in the whip *
* Ice cream, got the ice cream whip *
* Ice cream, yeah I'm cold off the rim *
* Ice cream, got the flavor that flips, aye *
* Ice cream, put the sprinkles in the whip *
* Ice cream, I got the flavor, you scream *
* I'm cold like a glacier *
* Ice cream, I got the flavor, you scream *
* I'm cold like a glacier *
* I scream, you scream, I scream, you scream *
* Hello *
(children laughing)
Whoa, whoa. * The chain so icy *
* I'm so icy, this chain so icy, I'm so icy *
(Jaguar and James laughing)
- Cake. (children screaming)
Has anybody seen Mark V?
We're getting ready to sing happy birthday.
- It's okay, mommy, I'll go get him.
- You seen him inside? - Yes.
(crowd chattering)
- Wait a minute, Wynn, no.
(soft moaning)
- [Mark IV] Tell me again, tell me again.
- It's so- - Tell me it's big.
Tell me it's big, it's big?
- Yes, it's big. - Call me Bigfoot.
Call me Bigfoot. - Big fucking foot.
- Yeah, that's right. - Okay.
I want you to remember
everything you just saw right now, okay?
Men cheat on women all the time,
but it's not your daddy's fault, it's my fault,
'cause I allow this to happen,
I don't want you to be like me,
and that's why I want you to remember everything you saw.
Don't ever let a man cheat on you,
and if you do find out, I want you to leave him right away.
Do you understand me? - Are you gonna leave Daddy?
- No, baby, no. Mommy's not going anywhere.
- Well, you should.
* Happy birthday to you *
* Happy birthday dear Mark and Wynn *
* Happy birthday to you *
(all cheering)
- I don't mean to steal the thunder
from the kids' birthday party, happy birthday my babies,
but it is still Valentine's Day, and Kale Aubrey,
I love you with all of my heart, baby.
I know you said you wanted to do this,
but at the time your toes was curling.
- Ew. - And you didn't have a ring.
So I don't wanna use sex to force you into anything.
Kale, will you marry me?
- No. - Yes.
(all cheering)
- We're gonna be so happy together. He said yes.
- That was a good day. - That was real.
You know, I grew up truly watching
a man in love with a woman,
every time my mother walked into a room,
my father's eyes would light up every single time.
I mean, that man was truly in love with that woman,
and that was because he wanted to be,
it wasn't something that she demanded of him.
- So you think women force men into romance?
- I'm saying that women take romance
and turn it into something ugly.
Valentine's Day, Christmas, birthdays,
it's something that men have to do.
You know, buy me gifts, buy me roses,
do things that are gonna make my friends, family,
and coworkers jealous,
and then when we don't do it the way you want us to,
you get mad.
So then we go off and we find somebody
that don't care about all that Valentine's Day bullshit.
- So you cheat? - Yeah.
- But if you truly love your woman,
it shouldn't matter why she wants you to be romantic.
Just do it, don't do it because she's making you do it,
do it because you wanna make her happy,
so take her out to dinner, buy her a gift,
make her feel appreciated,
show her that she means everything to you.
Don't cheat on her because she wants to feel special.
(car rumbling) (traffic whooshing)
- Let's go. - Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Are you all right, you sure?
Hey check this out, hey look, take my card.
If you ever need to talk about anything,
just hit me up all right.
- I mean we're coming right back.
- I know you coming right back.
Just hold onto the card 'cause you coming back for a reason.
Find a better man, go do what you gotta do.
Turn around. Damn, certified with a rack, damn.
- Turn around. - Are you serious?
- Yes Rain is a private person
and she doesn't want anybody looking at her underwear.
- Would you just get the pen so we can go.
- Pendant. - Yeah, whatever.
* I got your tail, your name, shazam, and shake *
* Belinda, Melinda, damn *
* Pamela, Angela, Tangela, Mara, Tara, Shakar *
- I don't know. - I want a divorce.
- What? - You're a liar.
You're a cheater, and I honestly hate you for marrying me
when you know you didn't want me.
- I didn't want you? Lady, I wanted you every single night.
You're the one that didn't want me.
- Maybe that's because you're sexing my friend
and a hundred women just like her.
- You not getting a divorce.
- Well, I'm not staying with you.
I need a real husband,
I need someone that's going to love me.
- Love? - Yes.
- Look, love is what got me here in the first place.
If I didn't love our kids, I, I would've been left.
- So you love our kids, but you don't love me.
- I didn't mean it like that Wynn, wait, wait, wait.
- Get off of me.
Our daughter found you in the bathroom with my friend
at her and her brother's birthday party,
but it's me that she doesn't respect.
That stops, today it stops.
After this wedding I want you to take your ass home,
pack your stuff and get the hell out of my house.
(peaceful music)
(birds chirping) (dog barking)
- [James] So now we are down to the final reason
why men cheat.
In a few minutes the vault of every man's thought process
when it comes to cheating will be broken into
and you will have stolen the secrets
to our twisted mentalities.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
And the number one reason why men cheat is,
drum roll please. (James clapping)
- Would you stop being so dramatic and just tell me?
(peaceful music continues)
You wanna come inside? - Is there sex in there?
- No. - Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on, hold on.
(peaceful music continues)
I gotta go, I gotta go, I have to go.
Some men would rather cut off an arm
than to let a woman know that he's falling in love with her.
- [Jaguar] So you cheat
because you're afraid to fall in love?
- [James] No, we cheat because we're afraid
to get our hearts broken.
I'd rather get you before you get me.
- Don't leave. - I... I...
Come on now, no, no, no, no. Give me my keys.
I don't, I don't have time to play games.
(relaxing music)
So what's your move? - My move. What do you mean?
- Yeah, your move like crazy stupid love, show me your move.
Have me all like, ah.
- [Jaguar] Are you serious, you think I have a move?
- I know you have a move. - I do.
It's called wall call. Ah, ah, slow down.
Be patient. (relaxing music continues)
* I just wanna ride away *
* Make you say oh, oh *
* I just wanna ride away *
* Make you say oh, oh, oh *
* I just wanna touch you baby *
* I just wanna stroke you baby *
* I just wanna climb on top like crazy *
* Be like muscleman *
* I'm just trying to love you baby *
* I'm just trying to taste you baby *
* Make you say these walls are tight *
* Damn it's like I'm squeezing baby *
* Damn its on me, we made a movie *
(birds chirping)
- Good morning. - How you doing?
- Good.
- You know, you look really pretty in the morning.
- Aw, thank you.
You know I was afraid when I opened my eyes this morning
that you weren't gonna be here.
- You uh, you wanna get breakfast?
- Yes I would love to get breakfast
'cause I don't know about you,
but your girl was doing her thing last night, so, you know.
- We're cool, right? - Mhm, the coolest.
I'm gonna get my stuff. - Let's do it.
- Okay.
Wait a minute, why would you ask me that?
- Ask you what? - If we were cool.
- I was just, just trying to make sure,
you know, we're friends.
I mean, last night was great,
but it's like it never happened, right?
- I guess not, but I just remembered
that I got something I gotta take care of so.
- Yeah, yeah. No, I got some things I gotta do too.
So call you later? Okay.
(upbeat electronic music)
(phone ringing)
(upbeat electronic music continues)
(phone ringing)
* Don't go away, maybe this is how *
- Hey, this is Jag, I'm not available right now.
Leave a detailed message and I'll call you back.
- Hey Jag, this is James, gimme a call back.
Yeah, it's James again,
just trying to get ahold of you.
Jag, I don't know what's going on with you,
but, you, it's me again, please call me back.
(all laughing)
- Oh my God, oh my God. What are you gonna do?
- I'm not answering him. - Why not?
- Answer it, here. - I'll answer it.
- Jag, come on. What's going on?
It's James again, please answer the phone, please. Fuck.
(phone ringing)
- Hello? - Hey, it's James.
You know, Rain and Kale's weddings in a few weeks.
I think they'd like you if you were there.
- I didn't get an invitation. - Well, yeah, they,
they kind of figured that you'd be my plus one.
I mean, you don't have to sit with me or anything,
but you know, it's just a way for you to get a plate to eat
or something. - You threw me back.
- What?
- I never thought that you would do it, but you did.
You caught me and then you threw me back into the ocean.
- Jaguar. - You made it.
- Of course I made it. I'm Oliver.
- [James] Wait, wait, what are you doing here?
What, what is he doing here?
- He's my plus one.
- Yeah, I figured it'd be good practice
since we're getting married next fall.
- Come on, we should get to our seats.
- What time is it?
- It's, it's four o'clock.
- Oh, she's not gonna make it back.
I'm not gonna get married, am I?
- The pendant is about happiness,
not about whether or not you're gonna get married.
You are getting married, I'm gonna call Wynn again.
- Okay. - Okay.
- And please stop throwing stuff at me.
- Mhm. - Thank you.
- Rain. - Oh no, no, no, no, no.
You can't come in here.
Can't you just wait until Wynn gets back in like 15 minutes.
I promise you, whatever you have to say,
you're gonna change your mind, so just gimme a second?
- When you first asked me to marry you, I wanted to say no.
I wanted, it's because I didn't trust you.
I didn't trust you, all of those loud orgasms,
I thought you were faking, I mean, I know I'm not blessed.
I'm not girthy, I don't have SPMs, strokes per minute.
I'm not giving what it's supposed to be giving,
but when we're together, you make it seem like I'm the man.
- But to me, you are a man.
- That's, see, that's what I'm talking about.
That's why I can't trust you.
- No, no, no, no, no, no. What, what baby, what do I do?
I'm sorry, I'm-
- I can't marry you like this.
- I knew it. It's that freaking pendant, oh.
Wait did you cheat on me?
(cheerful music)
We going out on these fancy dates,
texting me good morning,
I'm meeting your family and friends.
I think, I think you trying to marry me.
You gonna marry me, aren't you?
- No, I don't want it, I don't...
No.
I want my ring back.
- Can't you just wait like 15 minutes?
- Open the door, I want my ring back.
I want my ring back, I want it, put it in my hand.
Okay, so I think that you're the best woman that I know.
I know you're the best woman that I know
and I cannot marry you
knowing that I didn't love you enough
to be the man that you deserve.
So although I accept your proposal,
I can't marry you until you accept mine.
Rain Davies, will you marry me?
- Boy put that ring back on my finger.
Are you crazy?
Now get the hell outta here before I strangle you, dang.
You almost gave me a heart attack.
(car rumbling)
- Take it from the top. (crowd chattering)
- Where's Rain? - Rain.
- [Cathy] She's in bathroom number two.
- Oh my god. - Over there.
- Oh gosh, breathe. - Lady, get outta the tub.
- Baby, Ross wasn't the first one, Biggie was.
Baby, baby, hm.
I ain't know women like big men.
I just walk in the club and say huh,
they be like, hey babe, hey how you doing?
- What are you doing- - Oh my god.
- [Tiffany] In the bathtub.
It's your wedding day, you're getting married.
- [Mom] Hell she just dead weight now.
- Oh my gosh. - Wait.
- Up, up, up. - Rain.
- [Tiffany] You gotta get up out the bathtub.
- You know you gotta. - You got a hot man girl.
- Give me all, here from Pasadena, babe-bebina,
get in between her, between the props, notes.
- [Cathy] You made it, I can't believe you made it.
Gentlemen, go with Sindy. Ladies come with me, okay?
(all cheering)
- [Tiffany] We gotta get you together honey,
you look a mess, we gotta-
- 'Cause you only got one eye done.
And you need to- - My momma's pendant.
- And get you together
'cause its time for you to walk down the aisle, okay?
I'm so happy for you. - I'm getting married.
I'm getting married. - Lord have mercy.
- Come on, put 'em up, put 'em up.
- Okay, okay. Everyone, everyone please take your seats.
The wedding is about to get started.
Pastor Soul, take it away.
- [Pastor Soul] Mhm, mhm. Good Lord Jesus.
God is good. - All the time.
- [Pastor Soul] And all the time god is what?
- Good. - That's right.
What won't he do it? He will do it, won't he do it?
Let the church say amen. - Amen.
- Let the church say amen. - Amen.
- How y'all doing today? - Yes.
- That's right. - Blessed.
- See, that's what it, that's all we gotta do right here,
come together.
All I gotta do is say one word, one word,
and automatically the good church gonna feel God's
presence.
- Amen. - His presence.
You gonna feel it, yes you will.
You'll be wrapped in God's holy spirit,
wrapped in the arms, right, of the church.
So that's why we here today, we here today to unify.
Say it with me. Unify. - Unify.
- Two beautiful, beautiful individuals,
especially to the bride.
She been waiting all her life
to hear these two magnificent words.
I do, I do.
They are here today to quote they vows,
show their love for each other.
- Sir. Yes sir. - Say it with me.
Vows, A-E-I-O-U, A-E-I-O what, U, the vows.
- Sometimes Y. - Sometimes Y, that's right.
Genesis two chapter 24 says,
a man that leaveth the nest, shall find his wife,
and become one flesh.
Say it with me one flesh. - One flesh.
- One flesh, say it with me again.
- One flesh. - One flesh.
- Praise God. - Rain Davis,
and this man right here named Kale.
- Kale. - Your name's Kale?
- Kale. - Kale, Kale, Kale.
My bad, Kale become one flesh.
You ready to become one flesh Kale?
- One, one flesh. - Like the the fruit Kale?
- It's Kale. - Kale.
You ready to come one flesh? - Yes.
- Yes that's right, Kale.
So Kale could come one flesh with his wife.
- Come on now Pastor Soul. - Mother Soul come on.
Do that thing you do, girl. - Yes, sir.
- Oo-wee. - That's mine, that's mine.
Church, y'all do y'all thing too, come on, y'all.
(upbeat electronic music)
(upbeat electronic music continues)
How y'all doing today? That's why we're here.
- [James] Junior what you doing?
- Wynn Junior, what are you doing?
- I'm marrying Kale,
the man who can give me a family that I want so badly,
he's nice and kind and won't ever cheat on me,
will you Kale? - Ne-never, never.
But I can't marry you, Wynn Junior.
Wynn Junior, I'm marrying Rain,
and if I were to do to her what you want me to do,
that would be cheating,
and then I, I wouldn't be the man that you, that you like,
listen, you, you do understand that, don't you?
- Come on, it's okay, it's okay.
(bright orchestral music)
(bright orchestral music continues)
- [Pastor Soul] The church may sit down.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today.
- Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present to you my son
and my brand new beautiful daughter-in-law,
Mr. And Mrs. Kale G. Aubrey.
(all cheering) (all clapping)
- Woo! - Yeah!
- Wynn, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'm sorry, don't leave please, please, please.
Wait, that's it?
(funky music)
- He jumped to the side and and clicked his feet.
Oh my God it was beautiful.
- They look good together, you already know.
Hold on, let me, look, I'm sorry about it, I wanted to-
- Uh oh. - Bitch, wait a minute.
I'm a friend. - Now you're sorry.
- Bitch hold on, I tried to apologize to you.
I tried, I tried to apologize to her.
I tried to apologize to you, bitch.
- Babe, did you see that? - Yeah, yeah, I did see that.
It kind of looked like she deserved 'em.
I'm surprised Mark IV didn't get slapped as well.
- Babe. - He might have deserved it.
Come on. Hey Miss Aubrey, let's go honeymoon.
(thunder cracking) (rain pattering)
- [Oliver] I told you how much I hate weather, come on.
- Hey Jag, Jag. - What do you want?
- I want to go fishing.
I was watching the nature channel the other day
and I came across the mandarinfish.
You know what that is?
It's the most beautiful fish in the ocean.
Some people say it's the blueface angel fish.
Some people say it's the clown fish,
but to me it's the mandarinfish
because of the perfect placement
of the many different colors on it's body.
- Sweetheart, it's time for us to go.
- [James] I don't think anything can stand next to that fish
and be more beautiful except for you.
- Do you wanna catch a fish?
- For the first time in my life.
- And what would you do with this beautiful mandarinfish?
- I'd care for it, I'd love and protect it.
I'd never allow it to feel abandoned or less than.
- You wouldn't throw it back into the ocean?
- Now why would I do something so stupid?
(thunder cracking) (rain pattering)
(upbeat bass music)
(upbeat electronic music)
* Ready, set, hold up wait a minute *
* He trying to figure out if he wanna stay single *
* Single like a Pringle free ready to mingle *
* 10 reasons why she gonna wanna leave him *
* Potato chips, oh, you like potato chips *
* Get your different flavor, pick them over *
* Find your favorite chip *
* She's so plain you need a dip *
* Ruffles snacks and grip them hips *
* Salt and vinegar sizzle is make up sex *
* Sour cream and onion chips *
* Hottest sex that's you'll ever have *
* Gonna be flaming chips, barbecue *
* Ninjas walk up on you looking real good too *
* Asking you what you gonna do before she pop it on you *
* And you know that you married too *
* But you gonna make it do what it do *
* Cheat code, cheat code, cheat code *
* Cheat code, cheat code *
* What's the reason, why he cheating *
* Should she leave him, should she keep him *
* What's the reason why he cheating *
* What these niggas want from us women *
* Yep, yep, we trying to figure out *
* What these niggas want from us women *
* Wait better yet, let me answer them first, listen *
* What us women want from you niggas *
* R.I.P. DMX *
* What we want but we really want, listen, hey yo *
* We hold the bag, not the baby bag *
* Gripping on his stacks, blackjack 21 *
* Come beat him or his dad *
* All this to prove your worth *
* Try not to stir the pot unless your beard game on point *
* Then maybe I'll let you call the shot *
* We don't want a nigga that can pull the trigger *
* That ain't popping six figures *
* When I say trigger, I mean the middle *
* Remember keep the drama at a low *
* Baby mama with no hoes *
* Gray sweatpants and when we fucking its my business *
* What you want from niggas *
* If we fucking it's my business though *
* Yeah fuck trying to figure out *
* What these niggas want from us women *
* Yeah, listen, this is what we want from you niggas *
* Yeah, yep, fuck trying to figure out *
* What these niggas want from us women *
* Yeah, I could be the perfect woman listen *
* But still gotta deal with stupid shit like this *
* Now there was Brenda who ran up on me with her partner *