1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:23,126 --> 00:00:25,059 We understand that a plane 4 00:00:25,094 --> 00:00:26,854 has crashed into the World Trade Center. 5 00:00:26,888 --> 00:00:28,718 We don't know anything more than that. 6 00:00:30,202 --> 00:00:31,376 I remember seeing 7 00:00:31,410 --> 00:00:33,688 an arm and a leg fly through the air. 8 00:00:33,723 --> 00:00:36,312 I mean, there was piles of meat. 9 00:00:41,144 --> 00:00:42,801 - One of the most serious crises 10 00:00:42,835 --> 00:00:45,493 facing people in this country, overdoses. 11 00:00:45,528 --> 00:00:46,712 They're now the number one killer 12 00:00:46,736 --> 00:00:48,703 of people under the age of 50. 13 00:00:48,738 --> 00:00:50,464 That epicenter is Ohio, 14 00:00:50,498 --> 00:00:51,948 where officials say that they are 15 00:00:51,982 --> 00:00:55,917 on track for 10,000 overdose deaths this year. 16 00:01:02,441 --> 00:01:04,512 We, as a society, tend 17 00:01:04,547 --> 00:01:09,276 to view people with substance use disorders as criminals. 18 00:01:09,310 --> 00:01:12,141 It's easy to do that until it hits our families. 19 00:01:26,845 --> 00:01:28,985 You raise children 20 00:01:29,019 --> 00:01:30,721 in a good household in a middle-class family, 21 00:01:30,745 --> 00:01:33,300 and I don't think any parent ever says, 22 00:01:33,334 --> 00:01:36,165 "Oh, okay, I'm prepared for my son to be a heroin addict." 23 00:01:37,752 --> 00:01:39,306 Nobody's ever prepared for that. 24 00:01:44,276 --> 00:01:47,383 The drug is their survival. 25 00:01:47,417 --> 00:01:48,798 If we feel threatened, 26 00:01:48,832 --> 00:01:50,396 if our safety, if our life is threatened, 27 00:01:50,420 --> 00:01:52,767 we're gonna do things we wouldn't do otherwise. 28 00:02:16,101 --> 00:02:19,587 - Miles, where are my other pair of shoes? 29 00:02:22,349 --> 00:02:24,937 - I was- - Towards the end, right? 30 00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:30,702 - Ya miles, that forth miles- - Porter's gap? 31 00:02:30,736 --> 00:02:31,806 - Yeah. - Porter's gap. 32 00:02:31,841 --> 00:02:33,325 - 68? - Yep. 33 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:36,052 Because yeah, if you got blisters, 34 00:02:36,086 --> 00:02:40,160 you want to change shoes or the other ones don't feel right. 35 00:02:40,194 --> 00:02:41,506 I put it at Porter's gap. 36 00:02:42,576 --> 00:02:44,060 - 18 months ago, I was 37 00:02:45,268 --> 00:02:47,857 looking at spending 15 years in prison. 38 00:02:47,891 --> 00:02:50,308 I was addicted to shooting heroin. 39 00:02:52,482 --> 00:02:56,037 I was jobless, I'd been kicked out of the military. 40 00:02:56,072 --> 00:02:58,178 I was depressed. 41 00:02:58,212 --> 00:03:00,870 I had anxiety disorder, panic disorder, 42 00:03:02,009 --> 00:03:04,011 nightmares, couldn't sleep. 43 00:03:04,045 --> 00:03:07,463 I had basically given up on life. 44 00:03:07,497 --> 00:03:09,154 And tomorrow I'm about 45 00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:13,158 to attempt to run a 100 mile trail race in Alabama. 46 00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:27,034 - This race is a tough one. 47 00:03:27,068 --> 00:03:29,623 I think there's 16,000 feet of climb. 48 00:03:29,657 --> 00:03:30,693 I've never ran 100 miles 49 00:03:30,727 --> 00:03:33,558 so there's a 30 hour cutoff. 50 00:03:33,592 --> 00:03:37,493 I'm pretty sure I'll be good by making at least the cutoff. 51 00:03:50,644 --> 00:03:51,886 - Shawn's biggest problem 52 00:03:51,921 --> 00:03:53,888 is he doesn't know when to back off. 53 00:03:53,923 --> 00:03:56,891 You can't just go balls out the whole damn race. 54 00:03:56,926 --> 00:03:59,446 You have to stop, take care of yourself. 55 00:04:05,831 --> 00:04:10,250 - It's surreal to think about where I was two years ago. 56 00:04:11,423 --> 00:04:13,598 I want to finish, I just want to go back home 57 00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:18,292 and look at my family and tell them I did it. 58 00:04:19,707 --> 00:04:22,054 I'm addicted to feeling good. 59 00:04:22,089 --> 00:04:24,885 And one of the things that makes me feel good now 60 00:04:24,919 --> 00:04:28,889 in life is seeing my family be proud of me again. 61 00:04:28,923 --> 00:04:32,444 'Cause it was a long time since that's happened. 62 00:04:32,479 --> 00:04:34,343 You know, seeing my little sister. 63 00:04:34,377 --> 00:04:38,174 Seeing my mom, my stepdad, any of my family, 64 00:04:38,208 --> 00:04:42,351 look at me and tell me they're proud of me. 65 00:04:42,385 --> 00:04:46,493 There's no other feeling, in the world like it. 66 00:04:46,527 --> 00:04:49,634 I'd have to be damn near broken and on my deathbed 67 00:04:49,668 --> 00:04:53,327 and for them to come pull me off of the course. 68 00:05:07,134 --> 00:05:10,310 Shawn, how old are you? 69 00:05:10,344 --> 00:05:11,587 - Four. 70 00:05:11,621 --> 00:05:12,242 Now how many candles are on there? 71 00:05:12,277 --> 00:05:13,243 Count 'em. 72 00:05:13,278 --> 00:05:14,762 - One, two, three, four, five. 73 00:05:16,108 --> 00:05:18,973 How old will you be on your birthday? 74 00:05:19,008 --> 00:05:20,389 - Five. - Very good. 75 00:05:20,423 --> 00:05:21,597 - Mischievous. 76 00:05:21,631 --> 00:05:23,288 You know, Shawn was mischievous. 77 00:05:24,496 --> 00:05:25,818 That would be a good way to describe him. 78 00:05:25,842 --> 00:05:26,912 And he was a fun kid. 79 00:05:26,947 --> 00:05:28,155 He loved to be outside. 80 00:05:28,189 --> 00:05:30,295 He loves sports. 81 00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:32,539 His nickname is B-ball. 82 00:05:32,573 --> 00:05:35,542 Shawn will be in a driveway, basketball, playing basketball. 83 00:05:36,715 --> 00:05:37,958 That was his passion. 84 00:05:37,992 --> 00:05:39,487 - My grandma and my mom would always say 85 00:05:39,511 --> 00:05:42,618 that we're gonna go watch Shawn play b-ball. 86 00:05:42,652 --> 00:05:43,826 - But always playing outside. 87 00:05:43,860 --> 00:05:44,792 "I want to play with the b-ball, 88 00:05:44,827 --> 00:05:46,104 I want to play with b-ball." 89 00:05:46,138 --> 00:05:47,588 B-ball just kind 90 00:05:47,623 --> 00:05:50,729 of stuck, and I still call them that to this day. 91 00:05:50,764 --> 00:05:54,940 - My little sister was born and, I don't know, 92 00:05:54,975 --> 00:05:57,633 all of a sudden I had just gotten 93 00:05:57,667 --> 00:06:01,740 this sense of being a protector. 94 00:06:01,775 --> 00:06:03,949 And she was just like my little baby sister. 95 00:06:03,984 --> 00:06:05,365 - A typical Saturday morning 96 00:06:05,399 --> 00:06:08,333 would be my mom sending me up to wake him up. 97 00:06:09,817 --> 00:06:13,200 He was a teenager at the time, so he loved to sleep all day. 98 00:06:13,234 --> 00:06:14,443 - And so I'd tell Kelly like, 99 00:06:14,477 --> 00:06:17,515 "Kell, go get B-ball up, go get him up." 100 00:06:17,549 --> 00:06:19,931 And I'd send her up the stairs and I'd hear her go back. 101 00:06:19,965 --> 00:06:21,381 And then all of a sudden 102 00:06:21,415 --> 00:06:24,591 I would just hear her screaming at the top of her lungs. 103 00:06:24,625 --> 00:06:25,833 - And she would send me up 104 00:06:25,868 --> 00:06:27,594 to his room and he would always pull me 105 00:06:27,628 --> 00:06:30,666 in under the covers and try to cuddle with me. 106 00:06:30,700 --> 00:06:32,184 - He would grab a hold 107 00:06:32,219 --> 00:06:34,808 of her and he get her under the covers in a bear hug, 108 00:06:34,842 --> 00:06:36,637 and she would just scream. 109 00:06:36,672 --> 00:06:39,053 I would just scream bloody murder. 110 00:06:39,088 --> 00:06:40,641 - Then I would have to scream. 111 00:06:40,676 --> 00:06:42,850 "Stop it," you know, "Stop it, you two." 112 00:06:42,885 --> 00:06:43,886 - Looking back, 113 00:06:45,370 --> 00:06:48,649 it's one of my favorite memories of him and I. 114 00:06:48,684 --> 00:06:52,273 I always viewed him as a superhero. 115 00:06:52,308 --> 00:06:53,999 I knew that I was always safe 116 00:06:54,034 --> 00:06:56,243 with him and I just thought it was the coolest thing 117 00:06:56,277 --> 00:06:58,107 to hang out with my older brother. 118 00:06:58,141 --> 00:07:01,490 I never thought he could really do anything wrong. 119 00:07:01,524 --> 00:07:02,629 Come on, Shawn! 120 00:07:04,631 --> 00:07:05,631 All right! 121 00:07:07,116 --> 00:07:10,464 I remember comin' down, we'd sit around. 122 00:07:10,499 --> 00:07:14,295 Some of the parents watch 'em all play all day and leave. 123 00:07:14,330 --> 00:07:16,366 He never got in any trouble or anything. 124 00:07:16,401 --> 00:07:19,680 Good kids, just innocent fun back then, you know? 125 00:07:25,341 --> 00:07:28,102 - Being a stepparent is, you know, it's a thankless job. 126 00:07:29,621 --> 00:07:31,416 I never met a better dude in my life, man. 127 00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:33,729 I mean, the whole dealing with somebody else's kid 128 00:07:33,763 --> 00:07:34,763 and stuff like that. 129 00:07:35,938 --> 00:07:39,838 But there was years where I was too young 130 00:07:39,873 --> 00:07:42,634 to understand the sacrifices he was making. 131 00:07:46,914 --> 00:07:48,329 For what I put my family through, 132 00:07:48,364 --> 00:07:51,263 for him to stick by my mom and, you know, 133 00:07:51,298 --> 00:07:54,508 still be in my corner, he showed me the bar that, you know, 134 00:07:54,543 --> 00:07:56,545 what a real man needs to live up to. 135 00:08:01,998 --> 00:08:05,105 - Youngstown is, it's one of those interesting cities 136 00:08:05,139 --> 00:08:07,694 where it was the old steel mills. 137 00:08:07,728 --> 00:08:09,247 And when the steel mills were booming, 138 00:08:09,281 --> 00:08:11,283 Youngstown was booming and everything was great. 139 00:08:11,318 --> 00:08:13,251 And when the steel mills went away, 140 00:08:13,285 --> 00:08:17,669 Youngstown started to really go downhill very fast. 141 00:08:17,704 --> 00:08:18,981 - No jobs, no money. 142 00:08:19,015 --> 00:08:23,503 They turned to drugs stealing, robbin', 143 00:08:23,537 --> 00:08:25,919 kids comin' out of high school 144 00:08:25,953 --> 00:08:27,576 that don't want to go to college. 145 00:08:29,163 --> 00:08:30,717 Tell you what does amaze me, though, 146 00:08:30,751 --> 00:08:32,581 how a small, little town 147 00:08:32,615 --> 00:08:36,377 could have that big of a problem with drugs. 148 00:08:37,965 --> 00:08:40,589 But no town's safe, can tell you that. 149 00:08:42,383 --> 00:08:43,602 - I was a junior in high school 150 00:08:43,626 --> 00:08:47,112 and I remember grabbing my bag. 151 00:08:47,147 --> 00:08:48,573 I remember putting a tie on that morning 152 00:08:48,597 --> 00:08:50,357 'cause it was the day of a game, 153 00:08:50,391 --> 00:08:53,153 and I left my house and was on my way to school. 154 00:08:53,187 --> 00:08:54,579 You know, it was early in the morning. 155 00:08:54,603 --> 00:08:55,983 Next thing I knew, 156 00:08:56,018 --> 00:08:58,365 I woke up in the hospital and all messed up. 157 00:08:58,399 --> 00:08:59,435 - Ran into a tree. 158 00:09:00,850 --> 00:09:03,404 Had his jaw wired shut for six weeks, 159 00:09:03,439 --> 00:09:08,409 was on morphine and a lot of pain relief medication. 160 00:09:09,134 --> 00:09:10,411 - Like any kid you dream 161 00:09:10,446 --> 00:09:11,630 of being an NBA, or something like that. 162 00:09:11,654 --> 00:09:13,138 And that was just the first time 163 00:09:13,173 --> 00:09:16,625 in my life where a dream had kind of been shattered. 164 00:09:16,659 --> 00:09:18,627 With my jaw being wired shut, you know, 165 00:09:18,661 --> 00:09:20,836 I wasn't a part of the team 166 00:09:20,870 --> 00:09:23,563 and they went on to win the state championship. 167 00:09:23,597 --> 00:09:25,610 When I lost basketball, I was like trying, you know, 168 00:09:25,634 --> 00:09:28,360 as a kid trying to discover like, who am I? 169 00:09:43,479 --> 00:09:45,170 Okay, tell everybody where we are. 170 00:09:45,205 --> 00:09:47,138 - We're in Texas. 171 00:09:47,172 --> 00:09:48,657 Where? 172 00:09:48,691 --> 00:09:51,383 - We are in San Antonio. - No, we were there, 173 00:09:51,418 --> 00:09:53,178 now we're in Wichita Falls. 174 00:09:55,629 --> 00:09:57,458 - Now we're in Wichita Falls. 175 00:09:57,493 --> 00:09:58,667 Why are we here? 176 00:09:58,701 --> 00:10:01,255 - Because my brother's graduating 177 00:10:01,290 --> 00:10:02,981 and we're very proud of him. 178 00:10:03,016 --> 00:10:03,982 - Oh, how nice. 179 00:10:04,017 --> 00:10:05,017 All right. 180 00:10:05,915 --> 00:10:07,641 Sheppard Air Force Base. 181 00:10:09,022 --> 00:10:10,022 Here we come. 182 00:10:12,163 --> 00:10:13,647 Tech School graduation. 183 00:10:14,924 --> 00:10:15,924 Follow behind them. 184 00:10:17,789 --> 00:10:20,274 She's following behind you. 185 00:10:33,425 --> 00:10:35,186 One of the proudest moments was 186 00:10:35,220 --> 00:10:37,913 when he graduated from the Air Force Reserves. 187 00:10:37,947 --> 00:10:41,675 And I was like, "Wow, this is great. 188 00:10:41,710 --> 00:10:43,090 You know, this is amazing." 189 00:10:43,125 --> 00:10:44,678 - This is my jacket. 190 00:10:44,713 --> 00:10:48,337 All right, hang on a second I got to get situated. 191 00:10:48,371 --> 00:10:50,511 - My patches, where I'm from, my job. 192 00:10:53,100 --> 00:10:54,930 Warrior patch during the war. 193 00:10:59,141 --> 00:11:00,211 All right. 194 00:11:00,245 --> 00:11:01,557 - Shawn's first apartment, 195 00:11:01,591 --> 00:11:04,422 right above the orange poppy flower gift shop. 196 00:11:04,456 --> 00:11:05,803 The door on the left. 197 00:11:05,837 --> 00:11:06,873 Never forget that. 198 00:11:08,322 --> 00:11:11,498 So proud of him to get a place on his own. 199 00:11:11,532 --> 00:11:14,259 And that's where the drugs started, right up there. 200 00:11:14,294 --> 00:11:17,055 - He got out of the Air Force. 201 00:11:18,643 --> 00:11:21,232 And that's kinda when I noticed he just wasn't 202 00:11:24,787 --> 00:11:28,308 the same person that I grew up with, I guess. 203 00:11:28,342 --> 00:11:32,519 And it just kind of got worse from that point on. 204 00:11:32,553 --> 00:11:35,764 - I had moved from five different states, 205 00:11:35,798 --> 00:11:37,973 and everywhere I went, I'd keep it together 206 00:11:38,007 --> 00:11:40,734 for a little bit and then things will fall apart. 207 00:11:40,769 --> 00:11:45,566 I knew I needed to do something, like with my life. 208 00:11:45,601 --> 00:11:47,603 And so I tried getting back into the Air Force, 209 00:11:47,637 --> 00:11:50,571 at the time they weren't accepting any prior service. 210 00:11:50,606 --> 00:11:51,952 And so I started looking 211 00:11:51,987 --> 00:11:54,610 into the Army and I joined the Army. 212 00:11:54,644 --> 00:11:58,096 - We take things in life for granted so often. 213 00:11:58,131 --> 00:12:00,789 And then you see what happens, you know, 214 00:12:00,823 --> 00:12:02,376 everything's going well. 215 00:12:02,411 --> 00:12:04,516 And then boom, all of a sudden, 216 00:12:04,551 --> 00:12:07,519 and it's not all of a sudden, I'm sure it was very gradual. 217 00:12:07,554 --> 00:12:10,143 And all of a sudden my son's a heroin addict 218 00:12:11,696 --> 00:12:13,387 and I just wake up every morning 219 00:12:13,422 --> 00:12:16,287 and go, "How did this happen? 220 00:12:16,321 --> 00:12:18,013 How did this happen?" 221 00:12:33,649 --> 00:12:35,651 Morning! - Morning, 183. 222 00:12:39,620 --> 00:12:41,622 30 seconds down. 223 00:12:46,869 --> 00:12:48,940 - Running this 100 miles, there's, you know, 224 00:12:48,975 --> 00:12:52,116 it's kind of like a badge of honor I can wear 225 00:12:52,150 --> 00:12:53,393 for the rest of my life. 226 00:12:53,427 --> 00:12:54,946 I want that sense of accomplishment. 227 00:12:57,190 --> 00:12:59,340 It's giving me the hunger, it's giving me the drive back 228 00:12:59,364 --> 00:13:01,470 in life that I haven't had for a long time. 229 00:13:40,026 --> 00:13:41,510 I mean, it's just, 230 00:13:41,544 --> 00:13:44,030 it sounds so crazy when you think about, 231 00:13:44,064 --> 00:13:46,653 oh my gosh, this is like four marathons 232 00:13:46,687 --> 00:13:49,035 and you're gonna do it without stopping? 233 00:13:49,069 --> 00:13:51,761 And I can't even fathom it, 234 00:13:51,796 --> 00:13:55,835 but I think he wants to do this to prove a point 235 00:13:57,353 --> 00:14:02,186 to us, to his family, maybe to himself, as much as anything, 236 00:14:03,635 --> 00:14:07,225 that I did this, you know, I've got this, I can do this. 237 00:14:07,260 --> 00:14:11,471 Kind of solidifies in his mind, 238 00:14:11,505 --> 00:14:12,748 and I think he thinks 239 00:14:12,782 --> 00:14:16,269 it helps solidify to us that he's made it. 240 00:14:16,303 --> 00:14:17,511 - It feels good. 241 00:14:20,963 --> 00:14:23,000 Pretty confident, pretty optimistic. 242 00:14:25,554 --> 00:14:27,038 I haven't had any trouble yet. 243 00:14:28,177 --> 00:14:29,730 Nice and cool shade. 244 00:14:30,731 --> 00:14:31,731 Can't complain. 245 00:14:32,975 --> 00:14:34,459 See what happens. 246 00:14:52,201 --> 00:14:54,376 What's up, brah? 247 00:14:54,410 --> 00:14:55,722 Oh, it's potatoes. 248 00:15:00,830 --> 00:15:03,730 Grabbing shit, I don't know what to grab. 249 00:15:03,764 --> 00:15:06,250 I don't know why I wouldn't put a long sleeve shirt. 250 00:15:07,216 --> 00:15:08,769 - But it is nice out. - It is. 251 00:15:11,393 --> 00:15:12,784 - And I don't know what to take right now. 252 00:15:12,808 --> 00:15:13,809 My brain shut off. 253 00:15:17,502 --> 00:15:20,126 I got nervous when I fell that I was gonna get up 254 00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:24,061 and be hurt, and then I've seen numerous people out there 255 00:15:26,235 --> 00:15:27,512 dying on the trail, so. 256 00:15:30,619 --> 00:15:33,104 There was a time where my whole family, 257 00:15:33,139 --> 00:15:35,313 other than my mom, had turned their back on me. 258 00:15:35,348 --> 00:15:39,283 They wouldn't speak to me, and rightfully so. 259 00:15:39,317 --> 00:15:40,491 You know, there is no doubt 260 00:15:40,525 --> 00:15:42,493 in my mind, my older sister's had 261 00:15:42,527 --> 00:15:44,702 to deal with the direct effects 262 00:15:44,736 --> 00:15:47,429 of my actions and the stress I put on my parents. 263 00:15:47,463 --> 00:15:48,740 She's been a little harder 264 00:15:50,777 --> 00:15:55,747 to get back, you know, get back in my life. 265 00:15:58,854 --> 00:16:01,961 I just want to start being her brother again, man. 266 00:16:01,995 --> 00:16:03,410 I just want to be in her life. 267 00:16:03,445 --> 00:16:05,516 - I know he's ready for it. 268 00:16:05,550 --> 00:16:07,104 I'm just not ready for it yet. 269 00:16:11,867 --> 00:16:13,041 - Sun's going down. 270 00:16:14,249 --> 00:16:17,114 And I'm trying to make up as much ground 271 00:16:18,356 --> 00:16:21,394 as I can before it's all the way dark, you know, 272 00:16:22,602 --> 00:16:25,260 stuff starts slowing down considerably 273 00:16:25,294 --> 00:16:30,023 at night, especially with how technical this is getting. 274 00:16:35,304 --> 00:16:36,685 Went over to Iraq, 275 00:16:36,719 --> 00:16:39,964 we were part of a QRF team where if there was down vehicles 276 00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:42,070 that had gotten hit by an IED, 277 00:16:42,104 --> 00:16:44,348 we would go out and recover those vehicles. 278 00:16:45,659 --> 00:16:48,697 - I really hoped that him going back 279 00:16:48,731 --> 00:16:52,045 into the military was the answer. 280 00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:56,015 - He went to bootcamp, went into the Army, went overseas 281 00:16:56,049 --> 00:17:00,881 into Iraq and that's when all the bad stuff happened again. 282 00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:07,198 - I had gotten hurt training 283 00:17:07,233 --> 00:17:10,236 for Iraq, went and saw the doctor and they 284 00:17:11,823 --> 00:17:13,446 gave me a big bottle of painkillers 285 00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:16,104 and shot me up with some cortisone. 286 00:17:16,138 --> 00:17:17,588 And it was time to get back out there 287 00:17:17,622 --> 00:17:20,108 and get ready to go back for Iraq. 288 00:17:20,142 --> 00:17:22,213 And when I had started taking those pills, 289 00:17:22,248 --> 00:17:24,974 it just had, you know, opened the monster, 290 00:17:25,009 --> 00:17:26,666 it sparked that allergy 291 00:17:26,700 --> 00:17:29,393 in me, and to the point where, you know, 292 00:17:29,427 --> 00:17:32,258 there was no given 'em up. 293 00:17:32,292 --> 00:17:33,949 - To me, it seems like the military 294 00:17:33,983 --> 00:17:36,331 feeds the painkillers to them like candy. 295 00:17:38,264 --> 00:17:40,783 That's a monster to just come right back to 'em. 296 00:17:47,583 --> 00:17:49,068 - When he went to Iraq and 297 00:17:49,102 --> 00:17:52,554 then after, I pretty much woke up almost on a daily basis 298 00:17:52,588 --> 00:17:55,522 wondering if we were gonna get that phone call 299 00:17:55,557 --> 00:17:58,732 that he had gotten killed by a roadside bomb, 300 00:17:58,767 --> 00:18:01,839 or they found them OD'd somewhere. 301 00:18:07,983 --> 00:18:09,374 - I prayed every day that, you know, 302 00:18:09,398 --> 00:18:12,677 he was gonna come home safe, and he did. 303 00:18:12,712 --> 00:18:17,682 But you know, there's a lot of things that don't show 304 00:18:18,787 --> 00:18:20,927 when you talk to a person 305 00:18:20,961 --> 00:18:23,757 until you talk to them a little about, 306 00:18:23,792 --> 00:18:25,725 like, he says, "Mom," he says, 307 00:18:25,759 --> 00:18:28,762 "You know, you have to obey a direct order 308 00:18:28,797 --> 00:18:30,281 from your sergeant." 309 00:18:30,316 --> 00:18:31,800 I said, "Yeah, I know that." 310 00:18:31,834 --> 00:18:36,184 And he said, "But do you understand what it was like 311 00:18:36,218 --> 00:18:39,463 when that order was to go out 312 00:18:40,981 --> 00:18:45,400 of the vehicle that they were in and pick up the body parts 313 00:18:45,434 --> 00:18:47,298 of people that had been your friends?" 314 00:18:50,405 --> 00:18:55,375 I just said, "Oh my God, I had no idea, no idea." 315 00:19:01,623 --> 00:19:02,623 None. 316 00:19:06,524 --> 00:19:08,077 - You're just trying to mask the pain 317 00:19:08,112 --> 00:19:09,320 and get through the day. 318 00:19:09,355 --> 00:19:10,804 And I just didn't know what to do. 319 00:19:10,839 --> 00:19:14,187 I found my way to deal with it with the painkillers. 320 00:19:18,329 --> 00:19:23,300 I ended up failin' a piss test for the military. 321 00:19:24,818 --> 00:19:26,313 And so they had started the paperwork to get me put out. 322 00:19:26,337 --> 00:19:28,443 And so once again, I was isolated. 323 00:19:29,409 --> 00:19:30,583 Trying to fill this void, 324 00:19:30,617 --> 00:19:32,240 all of a sudden, you know, that's... 325 00:19:34,276 --> 00:19:38,349 Trying to fill this void. 326 00:19:38,384 --> 00:19:40,558 I never woke up saying like, 327 00:19:40,593 --> 00:19:42,250 "Oh, I'm gonna shoot heroin," 328 00:19:42,284 --> 00:19:44,942 but the first time you're sick and you're on withdrawals, 329 00:19:44,976 --> 00:19:47,669 and all of a sudden you don't have this pill 330 00:19:47,703 --> 00:19:50,396 and this is the most uncomfortable, restless, 331 00:19:50,430 --> 00:19:53,261 worst feeling you've ever felt in your entire life. 332 00:19:53,295 --> 00:19:54,814 And you know just this little bit 333 00:19:54,848 --> 00:19:58,783 of medicine will just make it go away, you'll do it. 334 00:20:09,518 --> 00:20:11,555 It's dark as hell. 335 00:20:11,589 --> 00:20:14,385 Very rocky, very technical, a lot of roots. 336 00:20:20,909 --> 00:20:21,909 For sure. 337 00:20:25,845 --> 00:20:27,605 They're not completely gone already. 338 00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:33,301 I know I'm losing my both big toenails completely, for sure. 339 00:20:33,335 --> 00:20:36,200 You know, my goal is, ultimate goal is to finish. 340 00:20:38,651 --> 00:20:39,652 That'd be killing it. 341 00:20:43,414 --> 00:20:45,451 - So there was this kind of two people, you know, 342 00:20:45,485 --> 00:20:47,038 there was the one that we knew, 343 00:20:47,073 --> 00:20:49,248 and there was this other one, this drug addicted one. 344 00:20:49,282 --> 00:20:51,319 - When I was shooting heroin, it was like, 345 00:20:52,458 --> 00:20:54,632 it was just total body euphoria. 346 00:20:54,667 --> 00:20:57,117 It was the best, warmest blanket, 347 00:20:57,152 --> 00:20:58,429 just being wrapped around you. 348 00:20:58,464 --> 00:21:00,742 And for a couple minutes, you just, 349 00:21:00,776 --> 00:21:02,433 you felt like you were in heaven. 350 00:21:02,468 --> 00:21:03,952 And then it would go away, 351 00:21:03,986 --> 00:21:07,404 and it was the hunt to get that same feeling back. 352 00:21:07,438 --> 00:21:09,820 It becomes a love affair with the needle, too. 353 00:21:09,854 --> 00:21:13,479 And then, so those couple of minutes, I just, 354 00:21:13,513 --> 00:21:14,939 I remember sitting there thinking like, 355 00:21:14,963 --> 00:21:16,654 "Oh my God, I love this. 356 00:21:16,689 --> 00:21:19,243 Like, this is the best feeling ever." 357 00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:21,349 But then, you know, it's counterbalanced 358 00:21:21,383 --> 00:21:26,319 by the sickness and all that stuff that comes thereafter. 359 00:21:27,562 --> 00:21:30,323 - I knew once he got on that wasn't him anymore. 360 00:21:30,358 --> 00:21:31,566 That was the monster. 361 00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:35,363 - You didn't know if he would pick up the phone 362 00:21:35,397 --> 00:21:37,434 and be the B-ball that I knew, 363 00:21:37,468 --> 00:21:40,954 or if he would pick up the phone and just, 364 00:21:42,404 --> 00:21:45,131 you could just tell that he was different sometime. 365 00:21:45,165 --> 00:21:47,961 - There was always a glimpse of Shawn. 366 00:21:47,996 --> 00:21:50,654 You know, there was always the glimpse of him in there. 367 00:21:50,688 --> 00:21:53,070 - Doing heroin and everything became 368 00:21:53,104 --> 00:21:56,004 so normal to me that, like, as normal as it is 369 00:21:56,038 --> 00:21:57,740 for anybody to wake up and brush their teeth 370 00:21:57,764 --> 00:21:59,214 in the morning, it was that normal 371 00:21:59,248 --> 00:22:01,872 for me to wake up and stick a needle into my arm. 372 00:22:01,906 --> 00:22:03,460 It was just what I did. 373 00:22:03,494 --> 00:22:05,369 So then once you get that into your body, all right, 374 00:22:05,393 --> 00:22:06,877 how am I gonna get money today? 375 00:22:08,119 --> 00:22:09,500 Who am I gonna manipulate out 376 00:22:09,535 --> 00:22:11,260 of giving me money to get high today? 377 00:22:11,295 --> 00:22:13,332 - It was always a lot of lies, 378 00:22:13,366 --> 00:22:17,784 I'm sure many of them I didn't realize until, you know, 379 00:22:17,819 --> 00:22:19,579 years down the road. 380 00:22:19,614 --> 00:22:22,410 "Mom, I got, you know, got in a little fender bender. 381 00:22:22,444 --> 00:22:24,032 I'm here on the side of the road. 382 00:22:24,066 --> 00:22:26,379 The guy says just give them a couple hundred bucks 383 00:22:26,414 --> 00:22:29,727 and we won't turn in the insurance." 384 00:22:29,762 --> 00:22:31,626 And what did I do? 385 00:22:31,660 --> 00:22:33,362 You know, I sent the couple of hundred bucks. 386 00:22:33,386 --> 00:22:37,425 The hardest part as a parent, is where do you draw the line? 387 00:22:37,459 --> 00:22:39,496 That's the hardest, 388 00:22:39,530 --> 00:22:42,222 the absolute hardest thing to determine as a parent. 389 00:22:43,638 --> 00:22:47,227 Whether what you're doing is just prolonging the inevitable, 390 00:22:47,262 --> 00:22:50,748 or whether what you're doing is keeping them alive 391 00:22:50,783 --> 00:22:55,650 long enough for them to figure it out on their own. 392 00:22:55,684 --> 00:22:59,032 - The first time I OD'd, I remember I shot up right in front 393 00:22:59,067 --> 00:23:01,552 of this Shell, like sitting in front of the main door. 394 00:23:01,587 --> 00:23:06,523 And the next thing I knew, I was waking up in an ambulance. 395 00:23:07,765 --> 00:23:09,767 They had just shot me with Narcan. 396 00:23:09,802 --> 00:23:11,079 And when I had opened my eyes, 397 00:23:11,113 --> 00:23:12,815 I just remember asking him, "What happened?" 398 00:23:12,839 --> 00:23:14,600 And I thought there was like a SWAT team 399 00:23:14,634 --> 00:23:17,603 outside of the ambulance waiting to arrest me, and all that. 400 00:23:20,053 --> 00:23:21,272 And as soon as I got to the hospital, 401 00:23:21,296 --> 00:23:23,160 I left against doctor's orders. 402 00:23:23,194 --> 00:23:25,852 I went back to get all the dope we had stashed, 403 00:23:25,887 --> 00:23:27,198 and got high again. 404 00:23:31,030 --> 00:23:32,825 - When I didn't hear from him, 405 00:23:36,035 --> 00:23:38,313 I would say, "Okay, am I planning a funeral? 406 00:23:39,279 --> 00:23:40,867 Is that what I need to do next?" 407 00:23:42,421 --> 00:23:43,767 That's just so difficult. 408 00:23:44,733 --> 00:23:47,011 And I did that so many times 409 00:23:47,046 --> 00:23:51,188 in my head and I didn't hear from him for days at a time. 410 00:23:51,222 --> 00:23:53,259 And then I finally would and I'd be so happy. 411 00:23:53,293 --> 00:23:55,537 You know, he's alive. 412 00:23:55,572 --> 00:23:58,195 You know, really that's kind of all I can ask for right now. 413 00:23:58,229 --> 00:24:01,025 - You don't know how bad it hurts for me 414 00:24:01,060 --> 00:24:04,443 thinking about I have to plan his funeral and that... 415 00:24:12,623 --> 00:24:13,623 that's tough 416 00:24:18,077 --> 00:24:20,113 to see her go through that. 417 00:24:24,566 --> 00:24:25,566 Sorry. 418 00:24:29,882 --> 00:24:32,160 - You know, the hardest thing 419 00:24:32,194 --> 00:24:34,852 for me was when somebody said, "How's Shawn doing?" 420 00:24:36,992 --> 00:24:38,511 How did they want me to answer? 421 00:24:39,995 --> 00:24:41,963 He's a heroin addict. How do you think he's doing? 422 00:25:02,397 --> 00:25:03,571 We have water, Gatorade. 423 00:25:08,334 --> 00:25:09,345 Got snack foods around here, 424 00:25:09,369 --> 00:25:11,130 we got hot food down there. 425 00:25:11,164 --> 00:25:14,996 Grilled cheese, quesadillas, pizza, bacon. 426 00:25:15,030 --> 00:25:18,965 - This is a bacon, chicken, cheese quesadilla, 427 00:25:19,966 --> 00:25:21,727 and these are just cheese. 428 00:25:21,761 --> 00:25:24,661 Or chicken noodle soup, hot chicken noodle soup. 429 00:25:24,695 --> 00:25:26,801 - Let me get a chicken noodle soup. 430 00:25:26,835 --> 00:25:28,975 I'm running down there to get, 431 00:25:29,010 --> 00:25:31,978 it's out in the middle of nowhere. 432 00:25:36,086 --> 00:25:37,536 - Good luck, man! 433 00:25:39,710 --> 00:25:41,022 - Good luck, be safe! 434 00:25:41,056 --> 00:25:42,886 - Thank you! - Thank you, guys. 435 00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:44,232 Good luck, guys. 436 00:25:51,860 --> 00:25:56,347 And my father sent me a text, told me, 437 00:25:59,937 --> 00:26:02,733 you know, don't go out here, hurt myself. 438 00:26:02,768 --> 00:26:05,011 I don't have anything to prove. 439 00:26:05,046 --> 00:26:06,150 I understand what he means, 440 00:26:06,185 --> 00:26:09,153 but I do have something to prove, man. 441 00:26:11,362 --> 00:26:15,194 So many years I took the easy way out, made excuses, 442 00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:18,577 cut corners, all that shit. 443 00:26:23,651 --> 00:26:27,724 When I cross that line and they hang that buckle, 444 00:26:28,863 --> 00:26:30,209 because I earned that shit. 445 00:26:31,486 --> 00:26:33,453 My lower back's bothering me a little bit. 446 00:27:02,137 --> 00:27:04,174 What happened to your hand, dude? 447 00:27:04,208 --> 00:27:05,658 - Huh? 448 00:27:05,693 --> 00:27:07,813 - What happened to your hand? - Oh, I don't even know. 449 00:27:09,938 --> 00:27:11,906 My back's fucking killing me. 450 00:27:30,959 --> 00:27:32,512 You're taking it with you? 451 00:27:32,547 --> 00:27:33,548 Yeah, bro. 452 00:27:36,033 --> 00:27:38,622 Give it to you at the next one. 453 00:27:43,454 --> 00:27:45,318 - The calls were the hardest part. 454 00:27:45,353 --> 00:27:47,942 "You have a collect call from McLennan County Jail." 455 00:27:47,976 --> 00:27:51,531 "You have a collect call from Waco County Jail." 456 00:27:51,566 --> 00:27:55,639 "You have a collect call from Youngstown County Jail." 457 00:27:56,847 --> 00:27:57,847 You know? 458 00:27:58,884 --> 00:28:00,817 You just go, okay, here we go again. 459 00:28:02,542 --> 00:28:05,200 Thought maybe this time would be different. 460 00:28:05,235 --> 00:28:06,685 - I come home on leave, 461 00:28:06,719 --> 00:28:09,066 I knew it was her birthday was coming up. 462 00:28:09,101 --> 00:28:11,068 And so I purposely took leave 463 00:28:11,103 --> 00:28:12,863 with the idea that I was gonna come home 464 00:28:12,898 --> 00:28:14,762 and then I was gonna be able 465 00:28:14,796 --> 00:28:17,454 to do something for her, for her birthday. 466 00:28:17,488 --> 00:28:19,283 - So many of my memories 467 00:28:19,318 --> 00:28:24,185 of this town and him are just when he was using. 468 00:28:24,219 --> 00:28:28,983 And so like every place I go, there's a memory. 469 00:28:29,017 --> 00:28:31,848 - And as soon as we pulled out, drug task force pulled up 470 00:28:31,882 --> 00:28:34,195 and like, I'm talking guys hanging off 471 00:28:34,229 --> 00:28:37,785 the side of a black Tahoe and guns drawn. 472 00:28:37,819 --> 00:28:39,787 And like, before I could even put together 473 00:28:39,821 --> 00:28:41,064 what was going on, 474 00:28:41,098 --> 00:28:43,307 they were like on the windows, guns drawn, 475 00:28:43,342 --> 00:28:45,896 you know, "Hands up," all that stuff. 476 00:28:45,931 --> 00:28:49,693 I had the dope in my wallet sitting on my lap. 477 00:28:49,728 --> 00:28:51,177 And I just remember like, 478 00:28:51,212 --> 00:28:53,628 "Oh, this is happening on my mother's birthday." 479 00:28:53,662 --> 00:28:56,424 - He was supposed to meet my husband and I for dinner 480 00:28:56,458 --> 00:28:58,909 the night of my birthday, and he never showed up. 481 00:28:58,944 --> 00:29:01,118 I'm like, "That's not my Shawn. 482 00:29:01,153 --> 00:29:02,499 My Shawn wouldn't do that." 483 00:29:03,914 --> 00:29:07,607 And four o'clock in the morning got a phone call from here. 484 00:29:08,608 --> 00:29:09,575 And this was where he was. 485 00:29:09,609 --> 00:29:11,819 And I had to get him out of jail. 486 00:29:11,853 --> 00:29:13,303 - We're driving down the road 487 00:29:13,337 --> 00:29:15,236 and all I could think was I was like, 488 00:29:15,270 --> 00:29:17,583 "Man, I want a cigarette, I want a cigarette so bad." 489 00:29:17,617 --> 00:29:20,413 And she's like crying, she's got tears in her eyes. 490 00:29:20,448 --> 00:29:23,451 And you know, addiction is a very selfish thing. 491 00:29:23,485 --> 00:29:25,764 So I was only worried about, you know, me at the moment. 492 00:29:25,798 --> 00:29:29,629 And so we pulled into McDonald's 493 00:29:29,664 --> 00:29:31,597 and parked in the parking lot. 494 00:29:31,631 --> 00:29:32,988 And I just looked at her and I was like, 495 00:29:33,012 --> 00:29:34,842 "Mom, what are we doing?" 496 00:29:34,876 --> 00:29:36,947 And she looked over at me and she was like, 497 00:29:36,982 --> 00:29:39,467 "I figured you were hungry." 498 00:29:39,501 --> 00:29:42,263 And I just, my heart sank to my feet. 499 00:29:42,297 --> 00:29:45,231 And I was just like, man, like only a mother's love, 500 00:29:45,266 --> 00:29:47,993 could I ruin her birthday, humiliate her 501 00:29:48,027 --> 00:29:50,961 in front of the family, ruined my entire trip home, 502 00:29:50,996 --> 00:29:53,377 and her first thought when I get out of jail 503 00:29:53,412 --> 00:29:56,070 after being busted for heroin possession was, you know, 504 00:29:56,104 --> 00:29:57,865 I need to get him some food. 505 00:29:59,142 --> 00:30:00,142 - It's hard. 506 00:30:01,385 --> 00:30:04,837 It's hard to know your child's in someplace like this. 507 00:30:06,011 --> 00:30:07,771 It's hard to understand how the whole thing 508 00:30:07,806 --> 00:30:09,669 spirals this far out of control. 509 00:30:11,602 --> 00:30:13,718 And this wasn't the only the jail that I visited him in. 510 00:30:13,742 --> 00:30:18,713 - Once I started getting locked up, it just kept happening. 511 00:30:20,128 --> 00:30:23,166 And then I got popped for heroin possession 512 00:30:23,200 --> 00:30:25,616 two times here in Texas. 513 00:30:25,651 --> 00:30:29,586 And they gave me two years in prison. 514 00:30:29,620 --> 00:30:33,107 I did my time there and it was, I mean, 515 00:30:33,141 --> 00:30:35,661 it's just all 24 hours a day, 516 00:30:35,695 --> 00:30:38,319 you're just on alert and watching your back. 517 00:30:38,353 --> 00:30:41,253 And it's so much, it's just a different world. 518 00:30:41,287 --> 00:30:43,669 You get your own brand of PTSD from prison. 519 00:30:43,703 --> 00:30:45,257 And so of course I do drugs. 520 00:30:45,291 --> 00:30:47,121 Of course, I would surround myself 521 00:30:47,155 --> 00:30:48,467 around a bunch of other people 522 00:30:48,501 --> 00:30:50,538 that felt like they were less than too. 523 00:30:50,572 --> 00:30:54,680 Just because you feel outcasted from society. 524 00:30:54,714 --> 00:30:55,994 And that's all in your own head, 525 00:30:56,026 --> 00:30:57,925 it's not like, you know what I mean, 526 00:30:57,959 --> 00:31:00,859 you don't have "I've been in jail" written on your forehead. 527 00:31:02,308 --> 00:31:04,138 You feel like everybody knows. 528 00:31:43,487 --> 00:31:45,110 Yeah, when I pass the 62 miles, 529 00:31:45,144 --> 00:31:47,181 this is the farthest I've ever been. 530 00:31:51,806 --> 00:31:53,912 Fucking frustrating it's going so slow. 531 00:31:57,777 --> 00:31:59,434 How's your pace? 532 00:31:59,469 --> 00:32:00,469 - Trash. 533 00:32:03,783 --> 00:32:04,783 I'm dead, man. 534 00:32:08,236 --> 00:32:10,859 - What hurts? - Everything. 535 00:32:10,894 --> 00:32:12,620 My back's fucking killing me. 536 00:32:13,793 --> 00:32:15,416 Bonking out, no motivation. 537 00:32:43,064 --> 00:32:45,135 You got to deal with life on life's terms. 538 00:32:45,170 --> 00:32:46,723 I thought long and hard when I was away 539 00:32:46,757 --> 00:32:49,105 in prison, that, is there a God? 540 00:32:49,139 --> 00:32:51,659 You know, if there is a God, does he have a plan for me? 541 00:32:51,693 --> 00:32:53,326 Is there something bigger than me out here 542 00:32:53,350 --> 00:32:54,593 that's steering the ship? 543 00:32:54,627 --> 00:32:57,734 And so what's my purpose on this earth? 544 00:33:00,806 --> 00:33:02,232 - There is a time, I don't think he was home 545 00:33:02,256 --> 00:33:05,155 for a couple years, at least. 546 00:33:05,190 --> 00:33:06,926 That's where the questions from the family, you know, 547 00:33:06,950 --> 00:33:09,642 "Where's Shawn?" you know, "How's Shawn?" 548 00:33:11,058 --> 00:33:15,959 We used to try to be the parents where, you know, 549 00:33:17,167 --> 00:33:18,687 "Everything's fine, everything's fine." 550 00:33:18,720 --> 00:33:23,380 And you're just telling a lie, enabling everything. 551 00:33:24,519 --> 00:33:25,969 - I would go months without hearing 552 00:33:26,004 --> 00:33:28,489 from him to find out that he had been in prison. 553 00:33:30,525 --> 00:33:35,496 There were many times 554 00:33:37,015 --> 00:33:39,224 he just, he came home and my mom would be telling me 555 00:33:39,258 --> 00:33:42,503 for weeks at a time, "Oh, he's doing so well." 556 00:33:42,537 --> 00:33:45,264 We'd pick him up at the airport and he would be dressed 557 00:33:47,335 --> 00:33:51,891 with his ass hanging out of his pants, smoking. 558 00:33:51,926 --> 00:33:53,514 And my mom would just be so sad. 559 00:33:53,548 --> 00:33:54,868 You could just see the color drain 560 00:33:54,894 --> 00:33:56,724 from her face as soon as we pulled up, 561 00:33:56,758 --> 00:33:58,381 'cause she just knew nothing had changed. 562 00:33:58,415 --> 00:34:00,659 - It took its toll on everybody. 563 00:34:00,693 --> 00:34:02,523 - How many times do you pay for rehab? 564 00:34:03,765 --> 00:34:05,112 How many times do you send money? 565 00:34:07,148 --> 00:34:10,910 Or how many times do you just eventually say no? 566 00:34:10,945 --> 00:34:13,741 - So we come to an agreement that, you know, 567 00:34:13,775 --> 00:34:17,055 he would not come home until he was clean. 568 00:34:20,989 --> 00:34:24,338 So there's a lot riding on this. 569 00:34:28,169 --> 00:34:31,345 There ain't no way in hell that I'm coming home after this 570 00:34:31,379 --> 00:34:35,418 and saying I didn't finish and didn't get my buckle. 571 00:34:37,558 --> 00:34:40,768 I'd have to be on my death bed, 572 00:34:43,598 --> 00:34:46,360 dragging myself across that fucking line for me to stop. 573 00:34:48,396 --> 00:34:49,396 It's not an option. 574 00:34:53,091 --> 00:34:55,127 I felt like each mile that I ticked off 575 00:34:55,162 --> 00:34:58,786 was putting me that farther from addiction. 576 00:34:58,820 --> 00:35:00,684 So I felt like if I could finish that, 577 00:35:00,719 --> 00:35:04,585 you know what I mean, that I could put that monster to rest. 578 00:35:04,619 --> 00:35:05,862 The drugs are the demon 579 00:35:05,896 --> 00:35:07,529 and that demon might come try to come back 580 00:35:07,553 --> 00:35:09,669 and grab him, and he just has to kind of push him aside 581 00:35:09,693 --> 00:35:11,039 and keep running. 582 00:35:11,074 --> 00:35:13,766 I mean, this is his big rescue 583 00:35:13,801 --> 00:35:15,389 life jacket right now. 584 00:35:15,423 --> 00:35:17,460 It is, running is, 585 00:35:17,494 --> 00:35:20,152 what he says and admits, is saving him. 586 00:35:20,187 --> 00:35:23,673 So if it was to go away, it'd be tough. 587 00:35:25,847 --> 00:35:29,334 Yeah, that's him, that's him. 588 00:35:38,826 --> 00:35:40,931 - Bro, I got to drop, man. 589 00:35:41,829 --> 00:35:43,071 I don't... 590 00:35:43,106 --> 00:35:44,625 Dude, I'm in too much fucking pain. 591 00:35:44,659 --> 00:35:47,352 I'm sorry, I don't know what else to tell you. 592 00:35:47,386 --> 00:35:49,837 My back is fucking killing me. 593 00:35:51,252 --> 00:35:54,117 I'll show you the bag I've taken. 594 00:35:54,152 --> 00:35:57,948 Bro, I don't know what to do, man, I can't. 595 00:36:13,999 --> 00:36:15,449 I've always carried around the guilt 596 00:36:15,483 --> 00:36:18,003 of my best friend Corey passing away 597 00:36:18,037 --> 00:36:19,660 because I introduced him to the drugs 598 00:36:19,694 --> 00:36:21,593 that eventually took his life. 599 00:36:24,009 --> 00:36:25,711 You know, I'll always carry around that guilt. 600 00:36:25,735 --> 00:36:27,150 You know, I love him, 601 00:36:27,185 --> 00:36:29,773 he was the best friend I ever had. 602 00:36:37,056 --> 00:36:41,682 My brother from the military, his name was Corey Taylor, 603 00:36:42,855 --> 00:36:45,996 but everybody in the military has a nickname, 604 00:36:46,031 --> 00:36:48,965 like I was Liv for Livingston, 605 00:36:48,999 --> 00:36:50,380 his just happened to be Y. 606 00:36:55,661 --> 00:36:56,869 We had gotten so tight, 607 00:36:56,904 --> 00:36:58,502 we just decided to go get a tats one day, 608 00:36:58,526 --> 00:37:01,840 so you got my brother's keeper, you know what I mean? 609 00:37:01,874 --> 00:37:04,808 Saying no matter what, we'll always have each other's back. 610 00:37:07,328 --> 00:37:09,848 If that statement were true, I would have never... 611 00:37:11,332 --> 00:37:12,713 You know, I was just getting high 612 00:37:12,747 --> 00:37:15,302 with my friend, I didn't realize that I was, you know, 613 00:37:16,751 --> 00:37:18,177 giving him something that was gonna kill him or something 614 00:37:18,201 --> 00:37:19,720 'cause it was so normal to me. 615 00:37:27,279 --> 00:37:28,867 So I had started using heroin 616 00:37:30,282 --> 00:37:34,079 and Corey was my best friend, Corey was my brother. 617 00:37:34,113 --> 00:37:36,219 He had tried it for the first time with me. 618 00:37:39,187 --> 00:37:42,639 So he ended up laying down for a nap and didn't wake up. 619 00:37:42,674 --> 00:37:44,917 That's when I got the angel. 620 00:37:46,333 --> 00:37:49,508 So he's like my guardian angel and he's looking down 621 00:37:49,543 --> 00:37:51,752 on my demons, kind of keeping them at bay. 622 00:37:52,994 --> 00:37:56,757 And then this just personalizes it. 623 00:37:58,690 --> 00:37:59,829 It puts his name on it. 624 00:38:03,039 --> 00:38:04,154 He called me his big brother. 625 00:38:04,178 --> 00:38:05,421 I called him my little brother. 626 00:38:05,455 --> 00:38:07,526 And if I'm a true fucking big brother, 627 00:38:07,561 --> 00:38:08,769 if I'm my brother's keeper, 628 00:38:08,803 --> 00:38:10,633 then I shouldn't have been fuckin', 629 00:38:10,667 --> 00:38:12,290 should've been there for him. 630 00:38:16,259 --> 00:38:18,606 - You can do it, you hear me? 631 00:38:18,641 --> 00:38:19,469 - Yeah. 632 00:38:19,504 --> 00:38:21,195 - This is Detroit. 633 00:38:21,229 --> 00:38:23,577 I talked to her earlier and she said to go on and 634 00:38:24,819 --> 00:38:27,719 you'll catch up, so, should we go? 635 00:38:27,753 --> 00:38:28,789 Should we go, man? 636 00:38:29,997 --> 00:38:31,181 - I don't know, man, I don't know. 637 00:38:31,205 --> 00:38:32,596 - Stretch it out. - You can do this. 638 00:38:32,620 --> 00:38:33,620 You got this. 639 00:38:34,691 --> 00:38:36,141 - When you're running a 100 miler, 640 00:38:36,175 --> 00:38:39,662 it's a mind, body, and spiritual thing. 641 00:38:39,696 --> 00:38:42,665 The first third of the race is all body. 642 00:38:42,699 --> 00:38:43,873 It's all physical. 643 00:38:43,907 --> 00:38:46,082 Second to the race is all mental. 644 00:38:46,116 --> 00:38:48,395 And the third part of the race is spiritual. 645 00:38:48,429 --> 00:38:49,879 It's a spiritual experience. 646 00:38:49,913 --> 00:38:51,132 That's about the only thing that's gonna carry you 647 00:38:51,156 --> 00:38:54,090 through that last third of that race. 648 00:39:27,848 --> 00:39:29,332 I come here sometimes. 649 00:39:30,264 --> 00:39:31,541 My brother's buried here. 650 00:39:33,163 --> 00:39:34,820 My dad's buried here too. 651 00:39:34,855 --> 00:39:38,203 He always asked me, he always asked, "How's he doing?" 652 00:39:38,237 --> 00:39:40,516 I said, "Dad, not good. 653 00:39:42,483 --> 00:39:43,795 He's not doin' good." 654 00:39:43,829 --> 00:39:47,074 That was my biggest nightmare was 655 00:39:49,490 --> 00:39:50,974 that I would have to bury him, 656 00:39:52,597 --> 00:39:56,463 my only son, beside my only brother and my dad. 657 00:39:58,326 --> 00:40:00,881 That scared me more than anything else in the world. 658 00:40:05,023 --> 00:40:08,233 I don't think it's right 659 00:40:08,267 --> 00:40:10,580 for a mother to have to bury their child. 660 00:40:12,513 --> 00:40:14,204 - I was supposed to be on a flight home 661 00:40:14,239 --> 00:40:16,552 because my grandfather had passed away. 662 00:40:16,586 --> 00:40:19,244 And I remember Kelly answering the phone 663 00:40:19,278 --> 00:40:22,212 and receiving my collect call from jail. 664 00:40:22,247 --> 00:40:24,052 And I was telling them they needed to bail me out 665 00:40:24,076 --> 00:40:25,802 so I could make it home for the funeral. 666 00:40:25,837 --> 00:40:27,459 I just wanted bailed out of jail. 667 00:40:28,598 --> 00:40:30,048 He had his third felony conviction 668 00:40:30,082 --> 00:40:31,394 in the state of Texas. 669 00:40:33,396 --> 00:40:36,917 He could have gone to prison for 20 years. 670 00:40:38,125 --> 00:40:39,516 - I remember the first time sitting there 671 00:40:39,540 --> 00:40:42,129 talking to the lawyer and he had opened the file 672 00:40:42,163 --> 00:40:45,477 and was like, "Man, what do you want me to do with this? 673 00:40:45,512 --> 00:40:48,515 They got you red handed and I can't really fight this. 674 00:40:48,549 --> 00:40:51,345 You know, this is your third near fourth possession case. 675 00:40:51,379 --> 00:40:55,936 And he wants to charge you with habitual criminal." 676 00:40:58,835 --> 00:41:00,354 - Maybe that's what Shawn needed 677 00:41:01,631 --> 00:41:03,737 was to know, here's your options. 678 00:41:06,187 --> 00:41:09,950 Here's your options, either get clean, 679 00:41:09,984 --> 00:41:14,748 or you're going there for 20 years or longer. 680 00:41:14,782 --> 00:41:17,060 I remember standing over my grandfather's grave 681 00:41:17,095 --> 00:41:19,373 saying goodbye to him, standing 682 00:41:19,407 --> 00:41:22,825 over his casket and just this overwhelming feeling 683 00:41:22,859 --> 00:41:25,759 of guilt coming over me, of knowing just everything 684 00:41:25,793 --> 00:41:28,347 that was going on back in Texas and, you know, 685 00:41:28,382 --> 00:41:29,728 all this stuff I had been doing 686 00:41:29,763 --> 00:41:32,110 and the drugs and just everything, 687 00:41:32,144 --> 00:41:34,768 the deception with my family. 688 00:41:34,802 --> 00:41:36,459 And I just remember that going on 689 00:41:36,494 --> 00:41:39,911 and just the guilt I felt standing over his grave. 690 00:41:39,945 --> 00:41:44,916 - That was one of the most difficult days of my life 691 00:41:46,434 --> 00:41:51,129 was a judge in Texas had his life literally in his hands. 692 00:41:52,958 --> 00:41:54,408 And it could have gone either way. 693 00:41:54,442 --> 00:41:56,179 - I had this folder of all this stuff I had done 694 00:41:56,203 --> 00:42:00,552 at the VA and all the letters I had gotten 695 00:42:00,587 --> 00:42:05,074 from the people at AA and handed it to my lawyer. 696 00:42:05,108 --> 00:42:07,732 And he opened up the folder 697 00:42:07,766 --> 00:42:09,803 and I just remember his jaw dropping. 698 00:42:09,837 --> 00:42:11,781 He goes, "You really have given me something to work with. 699 00:42:11,805 --> 00:42:14,186 Like you've obviously started to change your life. 700 00:42:14,221 --> 00:42:18,190 So whatever you're doing, you need to keep doing it." 701 00:42:18,225 --> 00:42:21,228 And so I just remember 702 00:42:21,262 --> 00:42:24,196 that was like the one moment right there, 703 00:42:24,231 --> 00:42:27,786 where it had just given me this ray of hope. 704 00:42:27,821 --> 00:42:29,823 And I just had this overwhelming sense 705 00:42:29,857 --> 00:42:31,618 of this is my last shot. 706 00:42:31,652 --> 00:42:33,999 Like I have to do this, I have to change. 707 00:42:39,626 --> 00:42:44,562 I go running to kind of settle my mind, settle my thinking. 708 00:42:46,046 --> 00:42:49,463 I wanted to find out who I was and I wanted it to be me 709 00:42:49,497 --> 00:42:52,328 'cause I know me is good enough for them. 710 00:42:52,362 --> 00:42:55,055 You know, I never realized the destruction 711 00:42:55,089 --> 00:42:56,332 it was having at home. 712 00:42:56,366 --> 00:42:59,335 So I never understood, when I first got sober, 713 00:42:59,369 --> 00:43:00,854 why are these people so, 714 00:43:00,888 --> 00:43:02,580 you know, why won't my sister talk to me? 715 00:43:02,614 --> 00:43:04,271 And why is she so bitter with me? 716 00:43:04,305 --> 00:43:07,723 The brother and sister bond, it's, I don't know, man. 717 00:43:07,757 --> 00:43:08,965 My relationship with my sister 718 00:43:09,000 --> 00:43:10,760 is one of the most important relationships 719 00:43:10,795 --> 00:43:12,244 I have in my life. 720 00:43:12,279 --> 00:43:13,867 - He wants to be in my life now, 721 00:43:13,901 --> 00:43:16,870 but he doesn't understand everything that he missed. 722 00:43:16,904 --> 00:43:18,803 And the years when I really needed a brother, 723 00:43:18,837 --> 00:43:19,942 he wasn't there. 724 00:43:21,115 --> 00:43:24,187 Those years were full of broken promises. 725 00:43:25,706 --> 00:43:29,676 He missed pretty much every major milestone in my life. 726 00:43:29,710 --> 00:43:32,610 He didn't see me graduate from high school or college. 727 00:43:34,922 --> 00:43:38,443 Didn't take pictures with me before I went to prom. 728 00:43:40,687 --> 00:43:42,792 Didn't do any of the typical stuff 729 00:43:42,827 --> 00:43:45,623 that an older brother's usually there to do. 730 00:43:45,657 --> 00:43:47,625 - I want him to be that big brother 731 00:43:47,659 --> 00:43:49,592 that she could be proud of. 732 00:43:49,627 --> 00:43:52,975 - I'm having a really hard time letting my guard down 733 00:43:53,009 --> 00:43:54,666 because I guess in the back 734 00:43:54,701 --> 00:43:58,083 of my mind, I'm just waiting for that phone call one day 735 00:43:58,118 --> 00:43:59,498 saying that he had a relapse 736 00:44:01,673 --> 00:44:03,813 'cause it's happened too many times before. 737 00:44:07,955 --> 00:44:11,994 All right! 738 00:44:12,028 --> 00:44:14,203 - Dude, 9 1, welcome! 739 00:44:14,237 --> 00:44:15,031 - 91, thank you. 740 00:44:15,066 --> 00:44:16,066 - 40, 40. 741 00:44:19,311 --> 00:44:20,311 - Yeah, baby. 742 00:44:21,831 --> 00:44:23,246 - Man, I had a little meltdown 743 00:44:23,281 --> 00:44:25,076 at that last little place, didn't I? 744 00:44:26,042 --> 00:44:27,147 Good thing that's over. 745 00:44:30,357 --> 00:44:31,358 Where'd my guy go? 746 00:44:34,085 --> 00:44:35,880 - Whatcha need? - Oh, my buddy! 747 00:44:35,914 --> 00:44:36,914 My buddy. 748 00:44:37,847 --> 00:44:40,125 Did he take off on me? 749 00:44:40,160 --> 00:44:42,541 I hope not. 750 00:44:42,576 --> 00:44:43,750 - Where'd he go? 751 00:44:44,958 --> 00:44:45,958 Hey Troy! 752 00:44:48,340 --> 00:44:49,687 Yo, where's my guy at? 753 00:44:50,860 --> 00:44:52,140 - Is he up there? - I don't know, 754 00:44:52,172 --> 00:44:53,932 but we're finishing this shit together. 755 00:44:53,967 --> 00:44:55,589 What's his name? 756 00:44:55,623 --> 00:44:58,557 - We've been calling each other Detroit and Youngstown. 757 00:44:58,592 --> 00:45:01,319 I don't know his name, big tall dude. 758 00:45:01,353 --> 00:45:05,081 - Oh no no no, you're good, I'll catch up with you. 759 00:45:05,116 --> 00:45:08,947 I got nervous, they thought I was hallucinating. 760 00:45:08,982 --> 00:45:10,604 I couldn't find you. 761 00:45:11,674 --> 00:45:15,574 I was like, "No, man." 762 00:45:38,425 --> 00:45:41,428 - One of the biggest things 763 00:45:41,462 --> 00:45:43,879 that I try so hard to help people understand is 764 00:45:43,913 --> 00:45:46,951 that the people we're working with are humans. 765 00:45:46,985 --> 00:45:50,575 They reflect humanity, they matter. 766 00:45:50,609 --> 00:45:52,542 Their addiction and the impact of the addiction 767 00:45:52,577 --> 00:45:54,244 on the families and the guilt and the shame 768 00:45:54,268 --> 00:45:57,582 that families and clients experience is a by-product 769 00:45:57,616 --> 00:45:59,653 of the way we view addiction in society. 770 00:46:03,277 --> 00:46:05,210 - My name's Shawn, I'm a drug addict. 771 00:46:05,245 --> 00:46:06,660 Hey, Shawn. 772 00:46:06,694 --> 00:46:09,387 - During his recovery, he's had the opportunity 773 00:46:09,421 --> 00:46:14,323 to reflect on his past, talk about it and work through it. 774 00:46:15,324 --> 00:46:17,257 And I haven't. 775 00:46:17,291 --> 00:46:19,811 So we're kind of at that process now 776 00:46:19,846 --> 00:46:22,745 where he's just kind of waiting 777 00:46:22,780 --> 00:46:25,817 for me to bring my guard down a little bit 778 00:46:25,852 --> 00:46:29,821 so we can talk about what happened in the past. 779 00:46:29,856 --> 00:46:31,074 - There were days at the beginning 780 00:46:31,098 --> 00:46:32,720 where I didn't want to wake up and run, 781 00:46:32,755 --> 00:46:34,688 but I would like tell myself, like, 782 00:46:34,722 --> 00:46:37,553 is me making this decision to not get up and go run today, 783 00:46:37,587 --> 00:46:38,841 is that gonna help me stay sober? 784 00:46:38,865 --> 00:46:41,074 Is that gonna help me stay out of prison? 785 00:46:41,108 --> 00:46:43,593 But, you know, the man I wanted to be, 786 00:46:43,628 --> 00:46:45,699 the man I wanted to become, gets his ass out 787 00:46:45,733 --> 00:46:47,701 of bed and wakes up and goes and runs those miles. 788 00:46:47,735 --> 00:46:52,706 - I started seeing a therapist and I started talking more 789 00:46:54,742 --> 00:46:58,677 about my feelings and trying to break down those walls 790 00:46:58,712 --> 00:47:02,785 that I had spent so long building up. 791 00:47:02,820 --> 00:47:05,684 And that's why I say it's so important 792 00:47:05,719 --> 00:47:10,689 to talk because for the past 10, 15 years, I never talked. 793 00:47:11,932 --> 00:47:13,623 I thought I had to be strong 794 00:47:13,658 --> 00:47:17,317 for my family, for my parents, especially my mom. 795 00:47:19,767 --> 00:47:21,977 And you just get to the point that you break. 796 00:47:23,910 --> 00:47:26,671 You just can't be strong all the time 797 00:47:26,705 --> 00:47:31,469 and you can't live your life that way. 798 00:47:34,437 --> 00:47:36,612 - I got sober on April 18th, 2017, 799 00:47:37,958 --> 00:47:41,824 and I've never been this sober in my adult life, ever. 800 00:47:41,859 --> 00:47:44,931 - His addiction didn't happen overnight, his recovery won't. 801 00:47:46,139 --> 00:47:48,348 Our family coming back together 802 00:47:48,382 --> 00:47:49,901 won't happen overnight either. 803 00:48:05,572 --> 00:48:07,263 - And the next day the sun comes up 804 00:48:07,298 --> 00:48:09,817 and like, your body starts warming up 805 00:48:09,852 --> 00:48:12,165 and that was like, I got this sense of hope. 806 00:48:12,199 --> 00:48:14,477 I'm like, "Man, I'm gonna finish this." 807 00:48:14,512 --> 00:48:16,548 You know, I made it through the night. 808 00:48:16,583 --> 00:48:18,309 That was definitely the hardest part. 809 00:48:18,343 --> 00:48:21,105 And everything in your brain is telling you to quit. 810 00:48:25,799 --> 00:48:27,663 I'm running in these last seven miles, 811 00:48:27,697 --> 00:48:29,734 and so off in the distance I could see 812 00:48:29,768 --> 00:48:31,184 the high school football stadium 813 00:48:31,218 --> 00:48:33,945 and I could feel myself start to get choked up. 814 00:48:33,980 --> 00:48:38,363 And I was like, "Oh my God, like this is gonna happen. 815 00:48:38,398 --> 00:48:39,571 I'm gonna do this." 816 00:48:39,606 --> 00:48:41,780 And so there was just this determination 817 00:48:41,815 --> 00:48:46,785 that I'm gonna stroll into that football stadium, so proud. 818 00:48:47,994 --> 00:48:49,419 I couldn't wait to get back and text my mom, 819 00:48:49,443 --> 00:48:51,963 text my sister and let 'em know that I finished this race. 820 00:48:51,998 --> 00:48:54,862 I know my grandma's at home on her iPad looking 821 00:48:54,897 --> 00:48:56,657 and following along with me. 822 00:48:56,692 --> 00:48:58,142 So that's what I'm thinking 823 00:48:58,176 --> 00:49:01,628 about as I'm coming in and I'm thinking about, you know, 824 00:49:01,662 --> 00:49:04,355 two years ago, I was just getting out of prison. 825 00:49:04,389 --> 00:49:06,944 You know, two years ago I was trying to kick drugs. 826 00:49:08,393 --> 00:49:09,750 Two years ago, my family wouldn't even talk to me. 827 00:49:09,774 --> 00:49:11,189 And now they're following along 828 00:49:11,224 --> 00:49:13,191 on an app while I finished this 100 mile race. 829 00:49:17,333 --> 00:49:18,541 I loved watching him 830 00:49:18,576 --> 00:49:19,829 go to prom and get all dressed up, 831 00:49:19,853 --> 00:49:21,613 and his dates would always come over 832 00:49:21,648 --> 00:49:24,168 and I'd force my way into a bunch of pictures. 833 00:49:25,686 --> 00:49:30,001 My mom said that he always loved playing with me. 834 00:49:30,036 --> 00:49:32,762 This is usually around the time he'd wrestle me in bed. 835 00:49:32,797 --> 00:49:36,042 This was a fun family vacation. 836 00:49:38,699 --> 00:49:42,531 - So I come rolling up on the high school football stadium 837 00:49:42,565 --> 00:49:43,773 and I can hear the people, 838 00:49:43,808 --> 00:49:46,052 and I can hear like bells going off. 839 00:49:46,086 --> 00:49:48,675 And I see the stadium and I come into the stadium 840 00:49:48,709 --> 00:49:51,471 and I come around the track and I hit the straightaway. 841 00:49:55,302 --> 00:49:58,443 - That was the first time he held me 842 00:49:58,478 --> 00:50:01,343 when I came home from the hospital. 843 00:50:02,861 --> 00:50:05,450 - I look at the finish and everybody's cleared out. 844 00:50:05,485 --> 00:50:06,900 - Yeah, just... 845 00:50:11,870 --> 00:50:16,013 It really reminds me that he was there for me since day one, 846 00:50:20,948 --> 00:50:24,090 even though sometimes I didn't feel like he was. 847 00:50:26,264 --> 00:50:28,680 - And all I see is my mom's blonde hair 848 00:50:28,715 --> 00:50:30,820 and my sister standing next to her. 849 00:50:30,855 --> 00:50:33,168 And I had no idea that hey were even 850 00:50:35,411 --> 00:50:37,068 that invested in me running that race, 851 00:50:37,103 --> 00:50:38,828 but here they made it their down to Alabama 852 00:50:38,863 --> 00:50:40,520 to surprise me at the end. 853 00:50:40,554 --> 00:50:44,765 And it was the most special moment 854 00:50:44,800 --> 00:50:46,698 I've ever had in my entire life. 855 00:50:46,733 --> 00:50:50,116 It meant more to me than you can ever imagine, 856 00:50:51,358 --> 00:50:53,119 to know everything that I been through, 857 00:50:54,361 --> 00:50:55,707 everything I put them through 858 00:50:55,742 --> 00:50:57,537 and they still loved me, cared enough. 859 00:50:59,366 --> 00:51:00,954 They were gonna come see me finish 860 00:51:00,988 --> 00:51:03,681 one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. 861 00:51:03,715 --> 00:51:05,131 And I just remember cryin' 862 00:51:05,165 --> 00:51:07,926 and huggin' them so tight and being so proud. 863 00:51:07,961 --> 00:51:10,032 And it would have been one thing 864 00:51:10,067 --> 00:51:11,561 to text them and let them know I had finished. 865 00:51:11,585 --> 00:51:14,416 But for them to see that, to see me come in, 866 00:51:14,450 --> 00:51:18,075 see me looking strong, it meant the world to me. 867 00:51:53,040 --> 00:51:55,122 There was a low point after I finished the 100 mile race. 868 00:51:55,146 --> 00:51:57,976 There was like a, I've read that there's a thing called, 869 00:51:58,011 --> 00:52:00,047 like it's like a runner's depression. 870 00:52:00,082 --> 00:52:02,602 And I was a little banged up. 871 00:52:02,636 --> 00:52:05,536 I had tried to carry all that training into the next race 872 00:52:05,570 --> 00:52:10,023 and had gotten injured and had to take downtime. 873 00:52:10,057 --> 00:52:12,681 I went through like a little a valley where I was like, 874 00:52:12,715 --> 00:52:14,165 "Do I even want to keep running? 875 00:52:14,200 --> 00:52:16,995 Like, do I really still love this? 876 00:52:17,030 --> 00:52:18,790 Do I still have a passion for it?" 877 00:52:18,825 --> 00:52:22,622 And so I started asking myself these hard questions, 878 00:52:22,656 --> 00:52:24,141 much like when I was a kid, 879 00:52:24,175 --> 00:52:25,739 if I'm not a basketball player, you know, what am I? 880 00:52:25,763 --> 00:52:28,904 Now it's like, if I'm not a runner, you know, what am I? 881 00:52:28,938 --> 00:52:30,699 It just kinda made me sit down 882 00:52:32,839 --> 00:52:36,014 and really evaluate and appreciate 883 00:52:36,049 --> 00:52:37,854 that I needed to take a little bit better approach 884 00:52:37,878 --> 00:52:40,018 to this and looking into getting into a coach. 885 00:52:40,053 --> 00:52:43,125 - My name is Joe Prusaitis and 886 00:52:44,678 --> 00:52:49,649 I am, right now, currently coaching ultra distance runners, 887 00:52:50,857 --> 00:52:52,341 but particularly Shawn Livingston. 888 00:52:53,584 --> 00:52:55,033 - We call them one of the forefathers 889 00:52:55,068 --> 00:52:57,829 of trail running, especially in Texas, Joe Prusaitis, 890 00:52:57,864 --> 00:53:00,936 he's one of the most knowledgeable guys I know. 891 00:53:00,970 --> 00:53:02,869 - I mean, I'm not here to kiss his ass. 892 00:53:02,903 --> 00:53:05,975 I'm here to help him get past all the bad shit 893 00:53:06,010 --> 00:53:07,391 and get into the good stuff. 894 00:53:07,425 --> 00:53:08,875 My job, more than anything, 895 00:53:08,909 --> 00:53:10,266 besides giving them a training plan 896 00:53:10,290 --> 00:53:11,809 is to watch Shawn, pay attention 897 00:53:11,843 --> 00:53:13,673 to Shawn, and see how he's feeling. 898 00:53:13,707 --> 00:53:17,124 It just blew me away, what a freak this guy was, 899 00:53:17,159 --> 00:53:18,954 a phenom he is at running, 900 00:53:18,988 --> 00:53:20,887 and he didn't have a clue what he was doing. 901 00:53:20,921 --> 00:53:23,890 You look at Shawn and you're like, man, he's a diamond. 902 00:53:23,924 --> 00:53:26,272 He's a guy that's been down the shit hole 903 00:53:26,306 --> 00:53:29,033 and he's come out the other end and he's polished the edges. 904 00:53:29,067 --> 00:53:31,967 I mean, he's just got an amazing aura about him. 905 00:53:32,001 --> 00:53:34,280 The guy's just on, he's on. 906 00:53:42,391 --> 00:53:45,670 - For years, I've tried to fill this void in my heart 907 00:53:45,705 --> 00:53:49,226 with doing drugs and alcohol and all this other things 908 00:53:49,260 --> 00:53:51,814 and, you know, nothing could ever fill it. 909 00:53:51,849 --> 00:53:53,195 But when I started running 910 00:53:53,230 --> 00:53:55,611 and I got in touch with this great group 911 00:53:55,646 --> 00:53:57,095 of people and started working 912 00:53:57,130 --> 00:54:00,720 with other veterans and started working with at-risk youth, 913 00:54:00,754 --> 00:54:01,997 that's what started filling 914 00:54:02,031 --> 00:54:04,413 that void in my heart to the fact that, you know, 915 00:54:04,448 --> 00:54:05,932 I wake up with a smile 916 00:54:05,966 --> 00:54:09,625 on my face and it's not this dreadful life anymore 917 00:54:09,660 --> 00:54:11,178 where I'm like, ugh, another day. 918 00:54:11,213 --> 00:54:13,077 I'm like, yes, another day. 919 00:54:14,078 --> 00:54:15,597 I'm just happy to be here, man. 920 00:54:15,631 --> 00:54:17,115 - I always told Shawn, 921 00:54:17,150 --> 00:54:19,808 I said, you know, you have to have a plan in life. 922 00:54:19,842 --> 00:54:21,465 And so as long as he can be 923 00:54:21,499 --> 00:54:23,950 at peace with his past, and he has a plan 924 00:54:23,984 --> 00:54:27,712 to move forward, that's all I can ask for. 925 00:54:27,747 --> 00:54:30,543 - He's Shawn again, I'm proud of him for that. 926 00:54:32,372 --> 00:54:34,616 You gotta be some type of a monster to wake yourself up 927 00:54:34,650 --> 00:54:36,721 and decide to go run 100 miles in a day. 928 00:54:38,585 --> 00:54:40,346 - We've been through so many bad times 929 00:54:40,380 --> 00:54:43,832 with him that it's nice to remember the good times. 930 00:54:45,454 --> 00:54:48,457 And it's just nice to 931 00:54:54,152 --> 00:54:56,465 remember that he's still my superhero. 932 00:56:10,021 --> 00:56:12,058 - So have you ever been to River's Place? 933 00:56:12,092 --> 00:56:14,094 - Hayes runs out there all the time. 934 00:56:14,129 --> 00:56:15,302 I've never done that run. 935 00:56:15,337 --> 00:56:18,029 - So I go do repeats out there all the time, 936 00:56:18,064 --> 00:56:20,100 but I remember running at Bull Creek one time 937 00:56:20,135 --> 00:56:21,792 and the sun was just coming up 938 00:56:21,826 --> 00:56:25,071 and I had just come out this part where the trees are parted 939 00:56:25,105 --> 00:56:27,314 and was with a group of my running friends 940 00:56:27,349 --> 00:56:28,833 that I run with on Sunday. 941 00:56:28,868 --> 00:56:30,076 And I just remember looking 942 00:56:30,110 --> 00:56:32,837 at that whole scene in North Austin Hills 943 00:56:32,872 --> 00:56:34,252 and everything like that, 944 00:56:34,287 --> 00:56:35,782 and I'm like, it's giving me goosebumps now. 945 00:56:35,806 --> 00:56:38,671 Like that's when I was like, "Man, my life has changed."