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[host] Ladies, gentlemen, and everybody, put your hands together.
Please welcome to the stage Ali Wong!
-["Hold On" by En Vogue plays] -[crowd cheering loudly]
Hi, everybody!
[crowd cheers]
[woman] We love you, Ali!
-Thank you. Thank you. -[crowd cheers]
You know, I'm very jealous
and bitter
that when a man finds
any ounce of mainstream success in comedy,
they get to date models,
actresses, and pop singers.
One of my dear friends is arguably one of the top stand-up comics
in the world.
And for the past year and a half,
she's been dating
a magician.
[crowd laughing]
I was like, "Okay, you know, no judgment, girl,
but is he at least, like, a good magician?"
[crowd laughs]
"Is he, like, the best magician
like how you are one of the best stand-up comedians?"
I looked that dude up on Yelp, he got two stars.
[crowd laughs]
That's what being one of the best female stand-up comics will achieve you.
A "ain't shit" magician.
[crowd laughs]
See, because when you are a woman with money, power, and respect,
your romantic options do not expand.
[crowd laughs]
They decline!
[crowd laughs]
Now, I am told it's because men are threatened
by women with money, power, and respect.
What do you think is going to happen to you, huh?
You think your dick is gonna get acquired in a hostile takeover?
[crowd laughs]
I bet most men in this theater
have never, ever had your dick sucked by a woman
that makes a lot more money than you.
And let me tell you something.
-It is spectacular, okay? -[crowd laughs]
It is.
-[crowd applauding, cheering] -It is.
Why wouldn't it be?
If she got the skills to earn money, power, and respect,
you don't think she got good pattern recognition?
[crowd laughs]
Those skills transfer.
[crowd laughs]
You should feel so lucky,
so flattered, so blessed and highly favored,
if you ever had the opportunity to get your dick sucked
by a woman that makes a lot more money than you.
Because out of all the things
this important woman could be doing with her valuable time…
[crowd laughing, applauding]
-Yeah. -[crowd cheers loudly]
All of her responsibilities,
all the interesting opportunities and deals knocking at her door,
but no.
She chose to get on her knees
and stick your $40,000-a-year dick in her mouth…
[crowd laughs]
…in your Toyota Yaris.
[crowd laughing]
But no. None of you,
not a single man in here knows what it's like
to cum on the face of a millionaire.
[crowd laughs]
Sure, you've gotten head.
But have you ejaculated onto a great American mind?
-Huh? Huh? -[crowd laughs]
Has your sperm swam in the eyes of an icon?
-Huh? -[crowd laughs]
Have you been deep-throated by a voice of a generation?
-I don't think so! -[crowd laughing, applauding]
It's highly unlikely that any man in here…
Well, any, uh, straight man in here…
[crowd laughs]
…knows what it's like to cum on the face of a millionaire.
First of all, how many female, self-made millionaires are there to begin with?
And then out of that pool,
how many of them gonna let you cum on their face?
There's three of us, okay?
[crowd laughs]
Yeah, I don't even know who the other two are.
You think Ellen gonna let you cum on her face?
You think Oprah gonna let you go to Montecito
and stomp on all her vegetables?
[crowd laughing]
I love
to get cummed on, on the face.
I do.
Because it's so nasty
and is so easy.
It is so easy, especially when you compare it to sucking dick,
which is so physically taxing. All the… [imitates gagging]
-[crowd laughing] -The choking, the eyes watering.
And if you really want to keep it 100, you got to add the pepper grinding.
[crowd laughs]
A lot, you know?
[imitates gagging]
[crowd laughing]
Whenever I get a deep tissue massage, the masseuse is always like,
"Whoa! Do you sit and work at a computer all day?"
[crowd laughs]
I'm like, "No, I sucked dick last night."
"Now I can't look to the left."
[crowd laughs]
So in addition to all of that labor…
[sighs] …when you suck dick,
there is all of this performing and pretending involved.
You have to tell all of these lies.
"Oh, this is the biggest dick
-I've ever had in my mouth." -[crowd laughs]
"I love sucking your cock. It makes my pussy so wet."
"Yummy! Yummy! Yummy! Yummy! Yummy! Yummy! Yummy!"
[crowd laughs]
-[sighs heavily] -[crowd continues laughing]
But you have to tell the lies
to make the man cum faster.
[crowd laughs]
The lies will set you free!
[crowd laughs]
But then when you get cummed on on the face,
your only job as the woman
is to make an enthusiastic expression.
[crowd laughs]
And then your other assignment
is to not laugh…
[crowd laughs]
…while this grown-ass man is straddling your rib cage,
he looking down at you, you looking up at him,
and you see him from this very unflattering angle
where he got that-- that Jabba the Hutt double chin, you know?
[crowd laughs]
Uh, he all possessed by the Holy Spirit.
"Just look at me, look at me, Mommy, watch me, pay attention, look at me!"
-[grunting rapidly] -[crowd laughing]
[chuckles]
[grunts rising in pitch]
-[laughs] -[applause]
[inhales deeply]
Young men in particular,
they don't like women with money, power, and respect,
because they know you can't tell that kind of woman what to do.
[crowd applauds, cheers]
Young men want a woman that's chill.
That's a quality in a partner that they seek out and brag about.
[lowers voice] "Oh, bro, I'm dating this new chick."
"She's so chill."
"She doesn't give a fuck about what I do 'cause she's chill."
"She lets me do whatever I want 'cause she's dead inside."
-"She's chill." -[crowd laughs]
"She's like a corpse with tits. It's awesome. She's chill."
I have never, ever wanted to date a man that was chill.
[crowd laughs]
'Cause chill don't pay the bills.
[crowd laughs]
[crowd applauds, cheers]
My nephew is 25 years old, and he is dating this architect.
My goodness, she-- she is so smart and interesting,
successful, and charismatic,
and we all hope that he marries her one day.
But he called me up earlier this week and he was like, "You know, Auntie Ali,
I think I'mma break up with her."
"Yeah, because she's a boss at work,
and so she thinks it's okay to come home and boss me around."
I was like, "Oh."
[crowd laughs]
"Well,
that shit's gonna happen to you no matter what."
[crowd laughing]
"Whether she a boss, whether she employed or unemployed,
once you get married and have kids,
your wife gonna boss you around."
"And you would know that if you watched House Hunters."
[crowd laughing]
House Hunters is a show on HGTV
where a couple
pretends that there's a decision to be made together.
[crowd laughing]
And they go on this fake-ass journey looking at three different houses,
and the audience is meant to be left in suspense.
"Which house are they gonna choose?"
It's whichever one Barbara wanted in the first place, okay?
[crowd laughs]
And Barbara, who lives in Boise, Idaho,
or wherever the fuck these HGTV shows are filmed
where houses cost $5,000 an acre…
[crowd laughing]
Barbara, she don't got money, power, or respect.
But Barbara is a woman,
and all women are very good
at being extremely unpleasant…
[crowd laughs]
…and holding your happiness and self-esteem hostage
until we get what we fucking deserve, okay?
-Yes. -[crowd cheering]
That is a superpower that we evolved
to compensate for our lack of earning potential.
[crowd laughs]
You can't tell any woman what to do,
so you might as well pick the bitch that will give you health insurance, okay?
[crowd laughs]
[huffs]
I know exactly why
there's a disproportionate amount of men that do stand-up.
It's all because of fan pussy.
We call them chuckle fuckers.
[crowd laughing]
These poor, naive women who get dickmatized when they laugh.
[crowd laughs]
And fan pussy is so motivating
because fan pussy is young and sexy and exciting.
Fan pussy is a great reward for doing stand-up comedy.
[crowd laughs]
And fan dick
is frightening.
[crowd laughs]
Any man watching me, listening to what I have to say,
and thinking to themselves, "I want to fuck her…"
[crowd laughs]
…is a raging psychopath.
[crowd laughing]
And has extremely good taste.
[crowd laughing]
Fan dick is not interested in showing me a good time.
Fan dick wants to trim my pubes
and sew them into wigs for his antique doll collection.
[crowd laughs]
That's why I don't see more women doing stand-up.
There is no reward,
only danger and punishment.
[crowd laughs]
Lot of my male stand-up comic friends be hooking up with women,
beautiful, gorgeous women, through the DMs.
Direct messaging.
[crowd laughs]
I never check my DMs.
[crowd laughs]
And when I do, it's only to see if Sanrio, the owners of Hello Kitty,
have finally contacted me to offer sponsorship.
-[crowd cheers, applauds] -Yeah.
Come on!
I think I'd be a great fit, and I want all of that shit.
I want the Gudetama pajamas.
[crowd laughs]
I want the erasers that smell like the gum.
[crowd laughs]
And I want the gum that tastes like the erasers.
-I want all of that shit. -[crowd laughs]
But no.
My DMs are full of these Silence of the Lambs motherfuckers.
[crowd laughs]
It's these dudes who always have zero followers.
Do you know anybody who doesn't know anybody?
[crowd laughs]
They don't even offer to take me out to dinner
or lick my pussy.
They just threaten to decapitate me if I don't let them smell my feet.
[crowd laughs]
And it's a shame, you know?
It's very disturbing, this disparity in quality
between fan pussy and fan dick.
It is so upsetting
to a person like me.
Because I think
about cheating on my husband…
[crowd laughs]
-…every five minutes. -[crowd laughs]
I haven't done it yet.
Not because I'm a good person,
only because no worthy opportunity has presented itself.
[crowd laughs]
My mom doesn't understand,
she can't relate to these feelings
of wanting to fool around outside of your marriage,
because she's an immigrant woman who was born in 1940.
Her world is a lot smaller than mine.
The only men my mother has ever had an actual conversation with
are my brother and my dad. That's it.
[crowd laughs]
I, on the other hand,
have met the entire cast of The Avengers.
[crowd laughs]
[crowd cheering, applauding]
And I want all of them to cum on my face.
[crowd cheering, applauding]
Yep.
-[chuckles] -[crowd laughing, whooping]
I think I'm going through a mid-life crisis. [laughs]
[crowd laughs]
Having two C-sections and being the breadwinner of my family
has turned me into a 50-year-old man.
[crowd laughs]
I had a colonoscopy a couple years ago.
That is some 50-year-old man shit right there.
[crowd laughs]
What had happened was
I all of a sudden got extremely bloated over a very short period of time.
And it was so extreme to the point where I thought I was pregnant…
[sighs] …again.
[crowd laughs]
And I took a test, and it was negative.
And then my OBGYN became very concerned
that I was showing symptoms of ovarian cancer,
because it runs in my family.
And so then she ordered a CT scan, and the results came back.
And she said to me,
"Okay, Ali, um…"
"Well, uh, you-- you know, the good news is that, uh,
you don't have ovarian cancer, okay?"
"And then, um…"
"The bad news is that, Ali,
you are full of shit."
[crowd laughs]
"Stop giggling, Ali, stop it. This is serious, okay?"
On the report, the radiologist wrote,
"The results are remarkable."
[crowd laughs]
Which, to me, seems like the radiologist gave me an A++.
[crowd laughs]
But she was like, "No, that's bad."
When the radiologist writes "The results are remarkable,"
what that translates to is,
"Oh my goodness,
I don't understand how this tiny Vietnamese mom
fit this football field of doo-doo inside of her body."
[crowd laughs]
"I have never seen this in my 30 years as a radiologist,
and I cannot wait to text screenshots of this to all my radiologist friends."
[crowd laughs]
[Ali chuckles]
So then a-- a GI specialist was called in,
and she-- I saw her look at the results,
and she went like this.
-[gasps] -[crowd laughs]
And then she turns to me and says,
"Miss Wong, I am so sorry that I gasped in front of your face."
"That was so unprofessional of me."
"I-- I know exactly who you are."
"Please do not talk about how I just did that on stage."
[crowd laughing, applauding]
"But, you know, I-- I have to admit
that I'm-- I'm clearly alarmed by what I see here."
"You are backed up well into your small intestine,
and I'm almost certain that there is some sort of mass,
and most likely a tumor that's causing all of this blockage."
"So we're going to have to perform a colonoscopy
to see what's going on in there."
I was like, "Why? You guys just did a CT scan."
And she was like, "Yes, it is true that the whole point of a CT scan
is to see inside of your body,
but the lasers couldn't penetrate the Great Wall of Shit that's inside you."
[crowd laughs]
"And they just ricocheted and bounced back into the machine,
and now the machine is shook, so…"
[crowd laughs]
"…we're going to have to stick a camera
up your ass."
[crowd laughs]
And I was so nervous.
But what I didn't know was that right before the procedure,
they give you propofol.
And I have to say that as a working mother of two…
[crowd laughs]
…getting to take a drug-induced nap for an hour…
[crowd laughs]
…was well worth having a news crew up my butt.
[crowd laughs, applauds]
It was luxurious.
[crowd laughs]
When I woke up from the colonoscopy,
I was like, "I want another colonoscopy."
[crowd laughs]
And then it turned out that my colon was perfectly healthy,
and I figured out that what caused that huge traffic jam was
the summer before, I was shooting this movie called Always Be My Maybe.
-[crowd cheering] -Oh, thank you. [chuckles]
Yeah, it was a-- it was this big-ass deal
because it was the first movie I had ever co-written
and starred in as the lead.
And I worked on it for 12 hours a day,
every day for six weeks straight,
and I was so busy
that I forgot to take a shit…
[crowd laughs]
…for six weeks.
The movie shot in Vancouver and in San Francisco,
and I have no recollection of shitting in Vancouver or in San Francisco.
[crowd laughs]
I just straight up forgot.
Something like that would never happen to a man.
Men, you never forget to take a shit ever.
-[crowd applauding] -Ever.
How could you, when you sit on the toilet and have your sacred ritual
every morning to summon the shit?
You sit there from 8:00 a.m. to 8:30 a.m.
You sit there with all of your reading materials,
your iPad battery just burning up the sperm in your balls.
You sit there at the most crucial time of the day,
when your wife and kids need you and the bathroom the most.
-[crowd laughing] -You sit there to avoid reality
and all of your responsibility in life.
You're too scared to ask your wife for alone time,
so instead you just passively-aggressively take it
by chasing your wife and kids out of the bathroom
with the stank of your selfish-ass shit!
[crowd laughing, applauding]
Women, we don't do that, okay?
We have too much guilt and shame
to sit there every morning at the same time to summon the shit.
Instead, the shit comes to us
at the most inconvenient time of the day.
[crowd laughs, applauds]
When we're in the middle of a meeting,
or onstage taping our third Netflix special. [chuckles]
[crowd applauds]
Whoo!
[crowd cheering]
But when you feel that first turtle head peek out,
you gotta squeeze your butt cheeks in,
suck the poo-poo back up
into your generous, loving, self-sacrificing soul.
[crowd laughs]
But then at some point, you gots to go,
and then it's an emergency.
It's always an emergency when a woman finally takes a shit,
and that's why every women's public restroom
looks like a post-apocalyptic zombie nightmare…
[crowd laughing]
…where there is blood on the walls and pizza on the record player.
[crowd laughing]
My life has changed dramatically in the past seven years.
Seven years ago, I pressured the shit out of my then-boyfriend to propose to me.
Every day, I was in his ear…
"When are you gonna ask me to marry you, huh? Huh?"
"I'm not gonna wait forever!"
"Everybody wants this pussy."
Nobody else wanted this pussy,
-but I had to make up these fairy tales… -[crowd laughing]
…to add pizzazz to the ultimatum, you know?
[crowd laughing]
[chuckles]
It was crazy. My-- My wish came true.
He proposed, we got married.
We bought a house, had two kids.
Fast-forward to seven years later,
present day, I'm like,
"I don't know why I did that."
[crowd laughing]
I think that what happened was, at the time,
my future in comedy was looking very uncertain, you know?
-[crowd laughs] -[chuckles]
I was really struggling.
Like, I was eating cough drops for dessert.
-It was so sad. -[crowd laughs]
And I panicked. I was like, "I don't know if I can make it in this world on my own."
"So I better trap this dude who graduated from Harvard Business School
so that I don't end up homeless."
-[crowd laughs] -[clicks tongue]
But now,
I know that I can make it on my own.
[crowd laughs, cheers]
[crowd cheering loudly]
So I kind of want to just be on my own.
[crowd laughs]
Only other married people with kids can empathize
with the deep envy I feel towards you single people, okay?
You-- You don't know how free you are.
You can eat an edible at 2:00 p.m…
[crowd laughs]
…go to the aquarium and watch the jellyfish go back and forth.
[crowd laughs]
You don't gotta bring a giant bag with little Ziploc baggies of Goldfish,
and toy cellphones.
You can just go with what's in your pockets.
[crowd laughs]
You single people, you don't know what it's like
to eat a cold quesadilla…
[crowd laughs]
…that your toddler threw on the floor…
[crowd laughing]
…because it's easier to put it in your mouth
than travel to the trash,
while you repeat to yourself over and over that
child abuse is illegal!
[crowd laughs]
You single people, if you're romantically involved with somebody,
and then all of a sudden,
that somebody reveals a personality trait that you don't like…
[gasps]
…you could just leave.
[crowd laughs]
Move to another city and never see their stupid face again.
[crowd laughs]
Because you didn't make a promise
in front of your grandma and all your coworkers
and ask your friends to buy you an Instant Pot.
[crowd laughs]
You didn't fuse your DNA to create human life that will forever ask you,
-[in shrill voice] "Where's Daddy?" -[crowd laughing]
You single people, you don't have to go on a playdate,
which is basically a blind date that your toddler sets you up on…
[crowd laughs]
…with some bitch you have zero chemistry with.
[crowd laughs]
You single people, you don't have to be nice to your mother
because you need her for babysitting.
[crowd laughing, applauding]
You don't have to smile
and listen to all of this unsolicited parenting advice
from this woman who neglected the shit out of you…
[crowd laughs]
…because you want time to yourself to binge Bridgerton to feel alive again.
[crowd laughs, applauds]
Like you single people, I, too, was once free, okay?
[crowd laughs]
And then like an idiot, I asked this dude to ask me to go to prison.
[crowd laughing]
And now I'm in monogamy jail, and I don't know how to get out.
[crowd laughs]
Monogamy made sense when we lived until we were 40 years old.
[crowd laughs]
Yeah, I'm 39 right now,
so if you told me that I had to do this shit for another year,
I'd be like, "Yeah, I could do that."
"I can rub it out to Aquaman for another year, it's fine."
-[crowd laughing] -"It's no big deal."
But as an Asian woman, I'm gonna live until I'm 95 years old.
[crowd laughs, applauds]
That's not even a joke, okay?
That is statistically probable.
[crowd laughs]
My husband and I are the same age.
He'll most likely die when he's 85.
So between 85 and 95 is
when I'm morally allowed to fuck other people again.
It's too late. It's too late!
'Cause at the age of 75 is when Asian women
finally turn into an owl.
[crowd laughing]
You know what I'm talking about.
Their tattooed eyebrows turn green and shit.
[crowd laughs]
They go bald, and then the few strands that are left, they perm the shit out of
to make it more Jhirmack "bounce back."
[crowd laughing]
And then they become obsessed with dried jujubes
and just walk around in down jackets all day like this.
[crowd laughing, applauding]
I want to fuck other people now…
[crowd laughs]
…before I metamorphosize into a nut sack with a visor.
[laughing]
You want to cheat with me?
You want to fuck around with me?
You better give me two weeks' notice, okay?
'Cause you gotta give me time to go shopping
for new underwear.
[crowd laughs]
I've been with the same dude for the last ten years.
So all my underwear looks like it's been snacked on by rats.
[crowd laughs]
[Ali chuckles]
Just looks like wardrobe from Les Miserables, okay?
-Like a tattered sail of a pirate ship. -[crowd laughing]
The elastic? Gone. Gone!
So the crotch area hangs about five inches below my actual pussy,
like an Indiana Jones suspension bridge,
-like a hammock in the Blue Bayou, okay? -[crowd laughing]
[chuckles]
You want to fuck around with me? Let me know,
so I got time to go to Target and get that sweet five-for-20 Xhilaration panty deal.
[crowd laughing, applauding]
-Merona, whatever's on sale. -[women laughing]
In our society,
there is no word for a male mistress.
[quietly] Yeah.
That's how taboo it is for women to cheat on their husbands.
The only word I've ever heard is sancho,
yes, because Mexican women cheat on their husbands,
because their culture is mucho más mejor.
Es la verdad, okay? It is.
[crowd laughs]
I've been saying this about Mexican people and Mexican culture for a long time.
I'm like the Little Mermaid.
I want to be part of your Telemundo, okay?
[crowd laughing]
Yes. Sí se puede, con permiso, let me in. Come on.
I like Fabuloso, okay?
I like storing my pots and pans in the oven.
-Yeah. -[woman cheers]
I like squeezing lime juice on everything.
-I like hickeys. I love hickeys. -[crowd laughing]
Generally, our society is very unforgiving
of women who cheat on their husbands,
and at the same time, it's so forgiving of men who cheat on their wives.
Somehow money, power, and respect will earn a man the right to cheat.
People will come to his defense and say,
"Oh, how could he be expected to resist all of that fan pussy?"
"He is so awesome, he deserves to cheat."
For women, no matter how much money, power, or respect you earn,
you are never allowed to behave badly and get away with it.
But that's all I want to do.
[crowd laughs]
-I want to have it all. -[crowd laughs]
I want to have a family, a career,
and a side piece.
[crowd laughs]
[crowd cheering, applauding]
The greatest trick women ever played on ourselves
was making us believe
that having it all was limited to having a family and a career.
I got both of those things.
Newsflash, it's not enough.
[crowd laughing]
Necesito más.
I don't just want equal pay,
I want equal pleasure.
But it would be very threatening
if all women wanted and felt like they deserved that,
because then a bunch of women wouldn't be available
to helping their husbands make their lives as easy as possible.
Do you know how much more successful I would be if I had a wife?
[crowd laughs]
[crowd cheering, applauding]
Some loving, devoted woman by my side
who bought a bunch of fruit besides bananas?
[crowd laughs]
And put the duvet cover on the duvet?
[crowd laughs]
People don't like it when women cheat, you know,
and they'll really turn on you because they feel betrayed,
especially if you're a mom.
It's too contrary to your wholesome, loving image.
And that's why I'm trying to let all of you know now…
[crowd laughs]
…that I'm a real piece of shit, okay?
[crowd laughs]
I want you to really listen to me and understand this and believe me,
so that you're not shocked or surprised,
so that you don't abandon me
when you see the TMZ video of my face getting fire-hosed by Michael B. Jordan…
[crowd cheering, applauding]
-…while I chant, "Wakanda forever!" -[crowd laughing, applauding]
[grunts]
[applause and cheers continue]
I think another reason why a lot of women are hesitant to cheat
is because it's too high stakes
to put your family, your reputation,
your life as you know it on the line,
all for the probability that you most likely
will not have an orgasm.
[crowd laughs]
Very difficult to make a woman, especially a new woman, cum.
It's so annoying.
It's a design flaw.
There's too many factors.
There's too much shit that has to align.
The lighting,
-the temperature… -[crowd laughs]
…the news.
You can't be all up in your head about the global supply chain being backed up.
I don't deserve to cum when the Dow Jones is down 500 points
and I still don't understand what cryptocurrency is.
-Who can cum in times like these? -[crowd laughing]
So in order for a woman to cum, all this shit has to align, right?
And then on top of that, the dude got to have skills.
He gotta have great timing.
He gotta know how to come in real slow and soft
and romantic and tenderoni in the beginning…
[crowd chuckling]
-…and then get real rapey by the end. -[crowd laughing loudly]
-[woman cheers] -[laughter continues]
In, like, a consensual way, of course.
[crowd laughs]
But a lot of dudes, they fuck that timing up, right?
They come out the gates guns blazing,
like Braveheart coming over the hill, just…
[yelling]
"Mortal Kombat!"
And you're like, "Okay, I'm bleeding and, um…"
[crowd laughing]
"…think you rubbed my clit off onto the floor,
and now it's lost with the dust bunnies."
[crowd chuckling]
[sighs]
[clicks tongue] And then some dudes, they do the opposite, right?
They maintain this whole, like, candlelit, walk-on-the-beach energy…
♪ Close your eyes Make a wish ♪
…throughout the entire course of the sex,
and it's like, "Nah, dude. In the last 30 seconds,
I need you to put me in a headlock
and say racist shit to me. Okay?"
-[crowd laughing] -"Yeah."
"Yeah, I want my eyebrows to fly off my face,
and I want you to degrade me until I go deaf and mute at the same time."
-[crowd laughs] -[mouthing] Oh, my God.
"You gotta shape-shift, bro."
[crowd laughs]
Nothing more satisfying to a woman
then when a man goes through a sudden and extreme transformation
that she is responsible for.
[crowd laughs]
But you know,
it'd be such a shame to go through all that trouble of cheating
to end up having to fake an orgasm.
[crowd laughs]
In fact, I don't think any of us women should be faking orgasms anymore.
-Yeah. No more faking orgasms. -[crowd cheering, applauding]
I mean, you really think about it, that is some nutty-ass shit
that we women do.
That's a skill that you taught yourself.
That wasn't passed down to you from your mother.
You taught yourself to do that shit out of survival.
[crowd laughs]
And it is wildly indicative of how terrified we women are
of offending a man,
that we would rather fake an orgasm than simply say…
"Hey, I just want to go home."
[crowd laughs]
-"This is so not awesome." -[crowd laughs]
"And I feel like I've really tried to tell you where to put it,
where not to put it, how fast, how slow,
and… you straight up just don't listen,
-you know, so…" -[crowd laughs]
"I'd really like to just go back to my house and fold clothes."
[crowd laughs]
Men are so much more incentivized to cheat because
you're going to cum no matter what.
It's so easy for a man to cum.
All you need is a wet hole.
-You don't even need that! -[crowd laughs]
Men love to jerk off in front of women all the time.
I've seen, like, 70 men jack off in my lifetime.
[crowd laughs]
Men love to show you their masturbation practice.
[crowd laughs]
But for me, you know,
if a man is not performing at the caliber I need him to perform at,
I'm not all of a sudden going to leap onto his neck
and start fingering myself over his face, you know?
[crowd laughs]
Like, "Oh! Oh, you have erectile dysfunction?"
"No problem. I got it."
"Just-- Let me just-- Let me just dangle my pubes,
my long-ass pandemic pubes over your forehead
and squirt into your nose hole. You don't like it?"
"Who cares? Who's gonna believe you, you young, powerless boy?"
[grunting rapidly]
[crowd laughs]
I'd be like, "What the fuck am I doing?"
[laughing]
[chuckles]
[crowd continues laughing]
So if you haven't seen the movie, it's a romantic comedy…
[crowd laughs]
…where I play a celebrity chef who falls back in love with her childhood friend.
And in the movie,
my character hooks up with three different, very good-looking,
very iconic,
very sexy Asian American men.
I know, it's like, who wrote this thing, right? Like…
[crowd laughs]
Whose idea was this?
[crowd laughing]
And while shooting, all of my girlfriends kept on asking me,
"Okay, Ali, uh, on the DL,
you gonna hook up with one of your costars?"
[crowd chuckles]
You know, I came this close
to fucking the food consultant.
[crowd laughing]
It was this 29-year-old Persian dude who had tattoos all over his arms
and his chest, and when the wind blew, oh my God,
he was so ripped, you could see everything.
You could see the King's Hawaiian…
-[crowd laughing] -…you could see the cum gutters
pointing you straight to the kingdom of heaven.
You could see it all, you know?
-[laughter continues] -[exhales]
And we spent one Sunday morning
butchering 18 raw chickens.
That shit was like the "Unchained Melody" scene from Ghost…
[crowd laughs]
…but with salmonella.
[crowd laughs]
He had his arms wrapped around me,
and I almost sliced my hand off,
because I could feel his 29-year old dick getting hard up against my spine.
Yeah.
See, the pussy can fake a orgasm, but the dick don't lie.
-[crowd laughing] -I felt that biology and that truth
right up against my back.
I did not feel violated.
[crowd laughs]
I felt victorious.
[crowd applauding, cheering]
I did.
As, like, a 39-year-old woman with two C-section scars,
I was like, "Oh my God, I am so powerful."
"I changed density, motherfucker, what!"
[crowd laughs]
"I am a wizard! I'm a blood bender! I could be in Avatar."
"Let's go, Appa. Let's go find Zuko and make out! Let's go!"
[crowd laughs]
And I went back to my hotel that afternoon,
and I pulled down my pants,
and my underwear…
looked like the bottom of a bird cage.
[crowd laughing]
It's a mystery to me why Hello Kitty
-hasn't contacted me yet, you know? -[crowd applauds loudly]
It's like,
"Come on, what's up?"
When I saw that in my underwear, when I saw those loogies,
I was like, "Oh my God, I still got it! I still got it! I still got it!"
There is still supply, given that there is fresh demand, okay?
[crowd laughs]
If you don't understand the supply and demand metaphor,
what I'm trying to tell you
is that my body still produces pussy juice, people.
Okay? And it was good pussy juice too.
-It was sparkly and glistening. -[crowd laughs]
Viscous but not too pasty.
Pungent but not too dank, it was… Mwah!
-[crowd laughs] -It was.
[crowd cheering, applauding]
I took a little fun dip in there,
uh, that shit tasted like LaCroix Pamplemousse.
[cheers continue]
It was quality.
It could've sealed up all the holes in my underwear like Gorilla Glue, it was…
[crowd laughing]
You know, as-- as much as I would love to cheat on my husband…
[smacks lips]
…I cannot afford to get a divorce.
[crowd laughs]
I can't, you know?
Uh, the reality is, I need my husband way more than he needs me.
It is ten times harder to find a decent husband
than it is to find a great wife.
-It's so fucking annoying, you know? -[crowd laughs]
I'm almost 40, so I have all these, like, acquaintances getting divorced right now.
All these women, they keep coming up to me…
"Ugh, Ali, it is so difficult dating out there for a divorced woman."
"None of these men can handle me, a strong woman."
"None of these men want a strong woman."
I'm like, "You're an annoying woman, but…"
[crowd laughs]
"…I do believe that it's slim pickings out there, you know?
[crowd chuckles]
And then these women, they keep telling me about their battle
and how ugly it is, how they're fighting for full custody of their kids.
I'm like, "Why?"
[crowd laughing]
Even half custody sounds like American Horror Story.
[crowd laughs]
I can't let go of my husband, you know?
He's-- He's very handsome, he's very sexy, he's very much my type.
I have a very specific type.
I like dudes who look as close to Keanu Reeves as possible.
[crowd laughs]
[Ali] Yeah.
And that's my husband, straight up.
He's so good-looking, he's so interesting.
He speaks three different languages.
He introduced me to mushrooms and ayahuasca,
changed my life.
So in addition to being my husband,
he's also my drug dealer.
[crowd laughs]
I can't lose that Shaman connect, you know?
[crowd laughs]
My husband's so smart.
He went to Carnegie Mellon,
Harvard Business School.
He's a Fulbright scholar.
He was smart enough to choose me,
to invest in me,
when I was 20 pounds heavier,
had chronic acne and no money.
[crowd laughs]
He bought low.
[crowd laughing]
[crowd applauding, cheering]
And if we get divorced, he going to sell high.
[crowd laughing]
I can't let him get away with that!
So my husband, he's all of these wonderful things, right?
But most importantly, he gives me permission
to be myself.
[crowd cheering, applauding]
Which perhaps, for a wild, untamable spirit,
is the most important quality to find in a man.
But people think it's so difficult for my husband
to do something so simple as giving me permission to be myself.
They always ask him, "Oh my God,
how do you feel about your wife Ali going up on stage
in front of all of these strangers,
talking about how much she wants to cheat on you?"
[crowd laughs]
[Ali clicks tongue]
You know, right now while we're all here,
my husband is at home in the house that I bought…
[crowd laughs, cheers]
…telling time on the Rolex I got him for Father's Day…
[crowd cheering, applauding]
Yeah.
Jacking off to porn that he streams
on the high-speed internet I pay for every month.
[crowd cheering, applauding]
So, he always tells me…
-"Yeah, you go ahead, you know, you…" -[crowd laughing]
He doesn't give a shit about what I say on stage
because he's too busy
living the life I wanted for myself.
[crowd laughs]
[crowd cheering, applauding]
I'm the one leaning in while he is lying down.
[crowd laughs]
And now that I'm the clear breadwinner,
he don't choke me like he used to.
[crowd laughs]
It's too high stakes if I die.
[crowd laughing]
I'll be like, "Harder, come on, harder, harder!"
And he'll be like, "But I really want a PS5."
[crowd laughs]
"It's all sold out,
and the wait lists and the ports are all full."
[crowd laughs]
People like to assume that because my husband is very spiritual
and because he's Asian American, that he's some kind of softy,
when the truth is he got this backbone made of pure, solid steel.
He is a motherfucker.
And whenever we get into an argument
and I raise my voice,
he'll look me in the eye and say to me,
"Oh, you don't talk to me like that."
And then I'll be like… [growling] Ooh…
[growling, grumbling]
[crowd laughs]
"Oh, I'mma suck your dick."
[crowd laughs]
[crowd cheering, applauding]
"You put me in my place again."
[crowd laughs]
"And then you give me permission to be myself,
and then you tell me what to do,
and then you celebrate me."
And that, single people,
is what a healthy marriage looks like, okay?
I've been Ali Wong, have a good night, everybody.
-Thank you! -[crowd cheering loudly]
["If You Love Me" by Brownstone plays]
♪ If you love me Say it ♪
♪ If you trust me Do it ♪
♪ If you want me Show it ♪
♪ If you need me Prove it ♪
♪ You see now actions Speak louder than words ♪
[cheering fades]
♪ So don't just say things That I've already heard ♪
♪ Don't want your body without your soul ♪
♪ I don't want a love Who will come here and go ♪
♪ You'll not hurt my pride If right now you decide ♪
♪ That you are not ready to settle down ♪
♪ But if you want my heart Then it's time that you start ♪
♪ To act like you're mine In the light and the dark ♪
-♪ If you love me -♪ Say it ♪
-♪ If you trust me -♪ Do it ♪
-♪ If you want me -♪ Show it ♪
-♪ If you need me -♪ Prove it ♪
-♪ If you love me -♪ Say it ♪
-♪ If you trust me -♪ Do it ♪
-♪ If you want me -♪ Show it ♪
-♪ Prove it ♪ -[song fades]