Downloaded from YTS.MX
A NETFLIX COMEDY SPECIAL
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
Josefina… Let's see.
This goes here.
Oh, man. What timing.
Yes?
Hello?
Yes? I'm listening.
Yes.
Yes!
Okay, I'm on my way.
Yes?
Sure, I'm nearby. I'll be right there.
Nacho and I are going. People can't tell us apart anyway.
Right, see you soon.
All right. Bye.
Did it work? Did you trick them?
-No, but we're going anyway. -Yeah, we're going!
How dare they tell us we can't take David's place!
What's up?
I can't. I'm about to watch a show with Spain's top comedians performing…
Oh, that's the one, yeah.
Well, I'm already here.
Okay.
Incredible.
For the first time in my life, I'm not late.
Yes?
I'm really busy.
Okay. I'll send an important email and head out. See you.
Yes, this is Arturo.
No, not Reverte. The one from Caiga quien caiga.
Not Wyoming. The other guy.
I had an important match,
but the show can't go on without me, so I'll be there.
Juan Carlos Ortega's office.
I'm on my way.
What do you mean, is everyone from Pantomima going?
Alberto and I are, sure.
The banners? Yeah, they're coming too.
SUPPORTING ACT IN THEIR OWN SHOW
Of course. Can I come now?
Honey, I have to go.
You'll understand when you're older.
I'll give it all I've got. I wouldn't miss this for the world.
-Well, all right. We're in. -That's right.
Tronchi and Monchi all the way.
When will we stop saying yes to everyone?
Same as all the big stars. When we have a stroke.
Yes?
Sure, give me five minutes.
Ten, tops.
Hi.
What's up?
Hi. How are you?
Thank you, everyone.
Thank you.
How's it going? Thanks for coming.
Real quick, I'll tell you the story of my life,
which is pretty wild, but I don't have another one.
I could tell you my sister Elisa's, but she never likes that.
It makes her mad, and I respect her, so I'll focus on mine.
Something I should note. I should've been born in the winter.
But we were poor and didn't have central heating,
so I waited until May.
I was born abruptly. Bam! All of a sudden.
It caught everyone off guard.
My mom thought it was a false alarm and went out to borrow some parsley.
So, I was born on my own and went downstairs to tell the super.
I said, "Ms. Julia. I'm a boy."
She said, "So?"
I said, "I was just born, my mom's not home."
"I need to be breastfed. So if you could give me a little…"
She said, "Well, we'll see."
The super ended up breastfeeding me.
But the lady didn't even have enough for a macchiato.
Because, in her youth, she'd breastfed 11 kids and one staff sergeant.
He didn't even marry her. What an ungrateful and disgusting person.
A greedy pig who dunked churros on her boobs.
Horrible, really. It was terrible.
Anyway, I went home and sat down, and when my mom came,
I went to open the door and said, "Mom, I was born."
She said, "Don't ever do that again alone."
"I've had it with kids being born on their own."
Nine siblings, my mom, my dad,
a man dressed in brown who sat in the hallway. We didn't know him.
That apartment…
We were extremely poor. Very poor.
My mom did what they did with orphans then.
She left us in baskets on doorsteps.
She left me at the door of some very rich marquises.
They had everything.
They had ties, soup…
They flushed their toilet with mineral water.
Their X-rays were in oil on canvas.
They had Goya paint them. It was amazing.
You know.
But then the marquises wanted me to finish high school.
High school, you know.
That thing that helps you do crosswords and stuff.
Very useful, actually.
But it wasn't my thing, so I ran away
and got a job with this incredible photographer.
He could make anyone look good.
He could make a deadbeat beggar look like a green-eyed admiral.
The guy had incredible talent.
I was there a while, did well, and used my earnings
to go on a tour around Europe.
Real cheap. I saw all of Europe for 40 euros.
We moved at an incredible pace.
We did 19 countries in 11 days. Flat out, so fast.
They'd say, "Go!" The ladies would be like, "I have to pee!"
He'd say, "Pee in Holland, lady. We're on our way there."
"It's okay. Keep it moving."
But it was beautiful to see Europe like that.
They took us, as a starter,
to the Leaning Tower of London. You may have heard of it.
Then to Paris. We saw the Awful Tower. Beautiful.
The Lube Museum.
I didn't see any lube there. It was so fast.
You're like, "Where is it? It's the one thing I wanted to see."
They took us to see the Tomb of the Ingrown Soldier.
Then to a square where the French "took a bad pill," we were told.
If you say so.
Then, at Napoleon's tomb,
the guide said, "Those are Napoleon's ashes."
I was like, "He sure smoked a lot! Incredible!"
"My God, that's wild!"
Then we went to Greece.
What can I say about Greece?
It's a country that's just there.
You can't be ignorant and say,
"Greece isn't there!" It's there all right.
But have you seen it? It's gross. Just terrible.
Everything's old and run down.
Everything is run down and ancient.
No good statues. They're all broken.
One's missing its head, another an arm, a leg…
I was like, "Put it all together and make one good one."
One.
Make one here.
I…
I didn't really like Greece because we didn't see much.
We'd been asking, "What country is this?" They'd say "Greece."
We'd say, "The movie?" and then go back to the bus. Back home.
That's pretty much my life.
There's a lot more to tell you another day.
Thanks for coming and for being here.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, everyone.
Thank you.
Thank you for coming.
See you later.
Bye.
When I talk about war
and call the enemy on the phone…
It's because I'm somehow trying to ridicule things I think are ridiculous
and lay them bare.
Hello? Is this the enemy?
Is this the en--?
Could you stop the war for a moment?
I said, could you stop the war for a moment?
Now I can hear you.
I wanted to ask you something.
Are you gonna advance tomorrow?
Yes, but at what time?
Okay, on Sunday, then?
Sunday, but what time?
At 7:00?
We're all in bed at 7:00.
Couldn't you do it in the afternoon?
After the soccer match.
Will there be many of you?
Whoa, that's brutal.
There won't be enough bullets for everyone.
Well, we'll shoot, and you can share them.
Your spy was here yesterday.
Agustín, short guy, dressed like a flamenco dancer.
He took the maps to our powder magazine.
Tell him to return them. They're the only ones we've got.
He can make copies and give them back.
Yes, we can't find the powder or the magazine.
All right? Okay.
One question. Could you stop the war for an hour?
One hour?
Yes, our cannon's jammed.
Our sergeant stuck his head in to inspect it,
and now he can't get it out.
Yes, he's still alive. He's saying, "Get me out of here!"
Very much alive, yes.
We tried soap.
It made his hair blond, but he's still stuck.
Oh, sure.
Yes, firing might unjam it.
We hadn't thought of that.
So, we have an agreement, then? See you on Sunday, yes? Right.
Bye.
I know, that's the bad thing about war.
It's dangerous, you know?
But it's got its advantages too.
I can double-park the tank if I want to.
"Yes, I left it there. So what?"
I tell the cop, "I'll blow your head off!" He can't do a thing.
Excuse me, I'm gonna make another call.
All right. Hello.
Is this the weapons factory?
Yes, is Emilio in?
Yes, the engineer.
Put him on.
It's the Army calling, yes.
Emilio, I'm calling to file a complaint.
Two of the six cannons you sent yesterday
don't have holes.
We're launching the shell from the outside. I mean…
One guy pulls the trigger, and another guy runs along with the shell.
Yes.
It's going okay. The thing is he gets tired and drops it.
We don't know where. They never come back.
One more thing.
The submarine you sent yesterday, the color is fine,
but it doesn't float. Not one bit.
We sent it to the ocean floor yesterday after lunch,
and it still hasn't come up.
Oh, that was a ship?
Well, it sure was hard to sink.
Considering how much it cost, you'd think it'd come with a user manual.
No, send another. This one's wet. Go on.
I wanted to ask, how much for machine guns?
What if we buy two?
No, we're using a normal rifle.
We just get a guy with a stutter to fire it.
Sure.
No, it's not the same.
It doesn't kill as well.
We also don't have any tanks.
We just put a dwarf in a Fiat 600.
Instead of shooting, he hurls insults.
No, it doesn't kill, but it hurts morale.
So, let's see, send me two discount missiles,
an antiaircraft gun,
and that's it.
Oh, and an assortment of bullets.
We'll leave it at that, all right?
All right, see you Sunday.
Have a nice killing.
Bye.
These seats suck. We're such losers. The worst seats.
What? We have box seats. This is the fancy stuff.
This is the worst.
You told me there'd be funny people. I saw the program and Vaquero's here.
Good evening.
How are you?
I'll tell you in a second what I've brought here.
I really liked Ernesto's part. Fantastic.
He called the enemy.
Gila also called the enemy many times.
But the enemy called me.
He said, "I have something for you."
"What?" "A cassette tape."
I've got it right here.
I said, "What is it, Enemy? Tell me." He said, "No. Play it."
So, I thought of something that might be nice.
I'll rewind the tape. Just a moment.
Right to the start. There.
So that, for the first time, we can see Miguel Gila
while hearing what he heard on the phone.
This is the first time anyone's ever…
You'll be the first to hear the real voice of the enemy.
Let's play the video and tape at the same time.
Play the video, please.
I'll press play at the exact point so that it fits.
Let's see…
-Is this the enemy? -Yes.
Could you stop the war for a moment?
What's that?
Could you stop the war for a moment?
Can you hear me?
-Now I can hear you. -Okay.
-I wanted to ask you something. -What is it?
-I… -What is it?
Are you gonna advance tomorrow?
-Yes. -At what time?
No, sorry. Not tomorrow.
-When? -Sunday.
Sunday, but what time?
At 7:00 a.m.
We're all in bed at 7:00.
I'm sorry.
-Couldn't you do it in the afternoon? -At what time?
After the soccer match.
-Okay, after the soccer match. -Will there be many of you?
Around 400.
-Whoa, that's brutal. -It's a lot, isn't it?
-There won't be enough bullets. -It is what it is, sir.
Well, we'll shoot, and you can share them.
Great. Good idea.
Your spy was here yesterday.
-Which one? -Agustín.
Short guy, dressed like a flamenco dancer.
-Oh, yes. -He took the maps to our powder magazine.
Return them. They're the only ones.
We want to keep them.
He can make copies and give them back.
Do you need the map?
Yes, we can't find the powder or the magazine.
We'll bring it over tomorrow.
Okay.
-One question. -Yes?
-Could you stop the war for an hour or so? -Why?
-Our cannon is jammed. -How'd that happen?
Our sergeant stuck his head in
to inspect it, and now he can't get it out.
Is he alive or…?
He's still alive. We heard him say, "Get me out of here!"
The poor man.
We tried soap. It made his hair blond, but he's still stuck.
Maybe it will unjam if you shoot it.
You're right. Firing might unjam it.
-Of course. -We hadn't thought of that.
Don't worry.
-So, we have an agreement, then? -We attack on Sunday.
Okay, see you on Sunday. Have a nice killing.
-Likewise. Bye. -Bye.
Goodbye!
My childhood was very happy because I was a bit of a nomad.
I'd roll my hoop all the way to Canillejas.
And I'd play tip-cat from Chamartín to Carabanchel.
But it was a happy and fun childhood.
We kids spent lots of time on the street.
It was a lot of fun.
Don't clap too soon. I haven't started. You might regret it.
I'm here to talk about the problem with young folks.
You'll say, "They just have one problem."
Yes, I'm here to talk about the young folks' housing problem.
We have a tiny problem with this. We young people, I mean.
What are you laughing at? Victoria, I heard you.
It's true. It's not that there are no apartments.
There are, but it's just…
Look, two Saturdays ago,
a young friend invited me to lunch at his place.
Yes, I'm not young, but I have young folks in my contacts.
He said, "I moved. Come by and visit." I said, "Great. Send me the location."
He's like, "You don't need the location. It's easy to get here. Very simple."
"Take the Toledo highway, go through Cuatro Vientos."
"You'll see a little square with a streetlamp."
"Go past it, and in 200 meters, turn left."
"Take the second right, on Obispo Nicólas Street."
I said, "Okay." He said, "Keep going."
"At the third traffic light, after the bridge, turn left."
"Go on for six or seven kilometers."
"You'll see a square. Keep going."
"Go past the level crossing, and in 200 meters, there's an avenue."
"Two, actually."
"The one on the left goes to Cascajuelos."
"Don't take it or you'll be stuck until Butrillo."
"No, take the one on the right."
"Eight kilometers down is a detour that says 'Fresh Air Estate.'"
"Keep going, and after two kilometers, you'll see a restaurant called Hot Soup."
"Don't get distracted, take the right just behind it,
and take the tunnel."
"Go through the tunnel, then you'll see two roads."
"One to the hospital and the other to El Moñigal."
"Head for El Moñigal."
"Then you'll see some houses with slate roof tiles."
"Keep going, take the first right, second left, roundabout,
right, U-turn, second left."
"You'll see a house with a garden. Keep going. Mine's the third one."
"You won't believe how quiet it is out here."
He says to me…
He goes, "You just can't live in the city center anymore."
He says,
"Too much noise and pollution. I moved to the outskirts."
I said, "Outskirts? Of what, Portugal?"
It was different before.
In our grandparents' time. That was a different story.
The apartments back then…
Any kind you wanted, they'd throw them at you.
You'd go out, they'd throw them at you. You'd bring two home.
Your popsicle stick would say, "You've won an apartment."
"Again?" It wore you out, you know?
"What do I do with it? Where do I put it?"
These apartments…
The house my grandparents lived in…
It was like the part of El Escorial Monastery
that Philip II couldn't be bothered finishing.
My grandpa said, "Don't mind if I do." The size of that house.
Wonderful.
It had six bedrooms.
Six of them.
And four double bathrooms.
Bathrooms inside bathrooms, like bars have.
It was incredible. Two dining rooms.
One for daily use and one for celebrations.
Two kitchens, so you could choose where you'd do the dishes.
The living room had six balconies, all facing the sea.
And this was in Madrid!
Amazing.
It was nuts how extravagant…
Balconies, hallways…
In the middle of a hallway, a shower inside a roundabout.
Nuts.
The house had three postcodes.
Naturally. Know how much they paid every month?
Well, every once in a while.
In those days, you'd go to pay and the landlord would say,
"Why argue? Buy the kids something nice and we're even."
"That'll do."
What a difference from apartments these days.
My cousin Laura just left home. Damn…
Rent was all right, in the end.
She's paying,
well, her whole salary.
She doesn't even get the… Her paycheck goes straight through.
It bypasses her bank account.
Why bother?
No.
They require one of her vital organs. One!
As a deposit. They'll return it if she doesn't destroy the place.
Not a problem.
Not too bad.
My cousin Laura's not doing too bad. Very lucky, honestly.
Rent is pretty tricky. It's better to buy.
Nowadays, banks will just give you a house if you want one.
They just give it to you.
Trust me, bankers are wonderful people.
They are.
They're great.
You go up like, "Can I get a house?" and they say, "Yes."
Their heart is always in the right place.
They're down in a sewer drain saying, "Come, I'll give you a house. Come."
Sure, they have to ask you for a small commission fee.
Something like, I don't know, 80%. It's not a lot.
It's the thought that counts. They don't ask for much.
Listen, what time is it?
That late? And today is Tuesday.
I gotta go. I'm visiting my friend from the outskirts on Saturday,
and I gotta run to make it on time. Thanks a lot, good night!
It's been an honor.
I don't get why we're up here.
We should be down there with the other comics, representing.
Show our faces.
Do I embarrass you?
Yes, you do.
How are you?
How's it going?
All right?
I'm traveling now. Ah, traveling…
The worst part for me about traveling is choosing how to get around.
You ask yourself, "What's best? By car? Train?"
"Bus? Plane?"
They all have their pros and cons.
I love airplanes.
They're clean, comfortable, fast.
The pilots are elegant, well-spoken people.
Like politicians,
but well-spoken.
Yes, I like airplanes.
I like trains too.
Trains these days.
I don't know if you remember trains before.
The wooden seats were hard as a rock.
Some were missing boards.
Hotel staff would ask, "Anything to iron, sir?"
"Yes, please iron my butt if possible."
The worst thing, by far, about traveling is jet lag.
It's like you took the wrong meds.
You'll lose your phone and find yourself ten minutes later looking for it
using the flashlight on your phone.
Everything's backward.
You'll arrive in Thailand at 8:00 a.m., which is midnight here in Spain.
Someone's like, "It's a quarter to nine."
You're like, "Yes, but what year is it?"
It's terrible. Everything's upside down.
So, I'm traveling now.
I'm in Africa,
as you can see,
in the jungle, and I still haven't called my wife.
I'm going to call her.
I'll paint you a picture here.
Hello?
Julita, I'm in--
Yes, the jungle, in Africa.
Yes, in the wild.
We were in Algeciras, and your dad said, "Why don't we go to Africa?"
So, here we are.
No, I'm calling for you to bring me a compass.
I didn't bring one.
I'm using my watch, but every time I want to head south, it says it's 4:15.
Yes. One more thing.
See if you can bring me a tap.
Yes. A cold water tap.
No. It's not that they shut it off, it's that there is none.
There's a watering hole with 20 wildebeest,
but it looks kind of crowded.
Yes. It's not too bad.
Yesterday I killed a Leopold.
I mean, a leopar-- A Leonard.
I even took a photo.
Well, yeah, you have a point.
"I'm very sorry. I made a mistake. It won't happen again."
Yes.
Gila didn't say that part. That was…
Listen, your brother got his leg bit off by a crocodile, and he's limping.
Not the crocodile, your brother.
He was using the binoculars backwards and said, "Look at that, a lizard!"
This guy… Yes?
Crocodiles are the ones that look like your bag,
but they've got teeth and no handles.
Yes.
Listen, a gorilla took off with Julito.
Tell his girlfriend not to wait for him.
I don't know. It didn't seem to mean any harm.
He seemed like a polite gorilla.
Though, I doubt Julito will survive the wedding night.
Yes. We also saw vultures.
Those are the huge, nasty birds
with long necks and feathers.
They look like your sister when she dresses up for the opera.
Anyway…
Yes, it's dangerous out here.
I saw a friend who hunts lions the other day.
He told me he almost died.
He was looking for lions,
lifted a branch, and a lion appeared.
Right there.
"What did it say?" The lion went…
I'm like, "That's not a roar." He goes, "It was facing the other way."
Well, that saved him.
It saved him. Yes?
No, in the end, there's no place like home.
Call me if anything comes up.
All right, big kiss. See you.
I'm so happy to be here tonight because I'm a huge Gila fan.
-You are? -Huge.
What's your favorite bit of his?
The one where he's like, "You heard the one about…?" You know?
Dude, that's Eugenio.
Hi.
-Thank you. -Thank you.
Thank you very much.
How are you doing?
Before we start, I'm going to tell you a joke.
-A joke? -A joke I just heard.
-A joke? -Yes. About the fish and the doctor.
-Have you heard it? -No.
So, there's this doctor fishing by the river.
And suddenly, a fish pops up and says,
"Doc, I need a prescription for worms."
Amazing.
A great joke.
I don't…
I'm sorry, but I don't get it.
What do you mean? It's pretty obvious.
You use worms to catch fish.
So, the fish asks the doctor for a prescription for worms.
But I don't get the link between fish caught with worms
and the doctor prescribing something for an intestinal ailment
like having worms.
Look, never mind.
I just wanted to tell a joke at a comedy show. I apologize.
Maybe I went too far.
I'm not gonna be pedantic, but I'll explain it, okay?
In Freud's Jokes and Their Relation to the Unconscious,
it says jokes are built upon deviations from normal thought.
Philosopher Thomas Vischer
defines a joke as the ability
to bind into a unity, with surprising rapidity,
several ideas which are, in fact, alien to one another
both in their internal content and the nexus to which they belong.
Well, then…
First, I want to thank you for not being pedantic.
It's something I…
I really hate when people get pedantic and lecture you.
So, thanks for not doing that.
And, second, maybe the joke doesn't fit what Freud and Vischer pose.
-No. -And from a theoretical perspective,
maybe the joke's not fucking funny.
I'll also say that it's Gila's joke.
Well, I guess Gila had bad days too.
-It's totally fine. -I don't know.
I don't know. I liked the joke. But I guess I'm the weird one.
I guess my friends are right when they say,
"You're very weird."
By friends,
you just mean me?
-Yes, you. The one friend I've got. -Okay.
But you are weird, Róber.
You're weird and you know it.
I'm mean, I'm not saying I don't have quirks, but everybody does.
I admit that I get annoyed by some things that don't bother most people.
For example,
getting short-changed is something that annoys me.
I go for coffee and give the waiter 20 euros,
and he brings me change for 10. That annoys me.
Maybe if you paid with coins,
he wouldn't need to run back and forth for something that costs 1.50,
and he wouldn't screw you over. But if you're a jerk…
Yes, I know it's a pain in the ass for the waiter to run back and forth
three or four times for each coffee.
In fact, out of politeness, I take whatever change he leaves me
and don't say a word.
So, it's one thing to screw me over once. Consider it a tip.
But every fucking morning…
-Yes. -It pisses me off.
I think I can be open about this with you.
I was also annoyed
by that junkie who mugged me with a knife.
Were you expecting him to mug you with a baguette or something?
Look, I'm not objecting to the junkie's MO.
In fact, the MO was very effective.
I'm objecting to the mugging itself.
What a lack of empathy towards someone struggling with addiction,
who has no choice but to mug people.
Just shut up and give him what you've got.
-Simple as that. -I did. I gave him everything I had on me.
I'm aware of his condition.
But it annoys me that, despite me giving him the money,
he still stabbed me twice.
I think the agreement is that if you cough up the money, you don't get stabbed.
You're saying it as if he'd killed you or something.
You didn't even need stitches, Róber.
You're making more money telling us how you got stabbed
than he did by mugging you.
Let's be honest.
-Come on, man. -I guess.
Róber…
You got a great story out of it.
Okay, I get it. I'm clearly the weird one.
I'd like to say I'm not and not get so annoyed.
Like you. You never get stressed, man.
Your girlfriend's cheated on you 1,000 times, and you don't seem to mind.
It's called a polyamorous relationship. It's about time you get with it.
I've told you 1,000 times. It's a polyamorous relationship.
Being weird is one thing, being backward is another.
We can both have casual relationships with anyone we want,
whenever we want, period. That's the agreement.
But I'm currently not too fussed about it.
I'm not fussed.
I'd rather watch TV shows than go out every night
and have sex with different people.
But she's not into TV shows. Okay, then. Fine.
I don't know. I got cheated on once.
It messed me up.
I was angry.
In fact, I still haven't gotten over it,
and I'm probably taking it out on the poor waiter,
the poor junkie, and the thieves.
Well, man, it's okay. You'll meet someone soon.
Don't you worry.
I haven't lost hope.
I don't know, I guess there are plenty of fish in the sea.
There sure are,
but are you gonna have a relationship with a fish?
No, by "fish," I mean "people."
So, there are plenty of people in the sea?
I mean, there'll be a few, but it seems weird
to meet people in the sea.
I don't know.
Besides, you don't look good in a swimsuit. It's weird, man.
And… I don't know…
What sea are we talking about?
Is it the Red Sea, the Black Sea? What sea is it?
By "the sea," I mean out there. In the street, in bars.
There are plenty of people out there.
Sorry for not understanding the way you speak.
It'd be nice if you didn't always take everything literally.
What is that?
Fish are people.
-And the sea is the street. -That's it.
So, the fish joke
is about a person
who's not in the sea, but in the street.
In that case, it makes sense for it to ask the doctor
for a prescription for worms.
I guess that makes sense.
-Sure. -Yes.
Yes. That was the joke.
The funny part is that everything makes sense.
-Okay. -That's what Gila tried to achieve.
To tell very reasonable stories that lacked any humor.
So that 20 years later, we'd all gather here
to listen to his dullest stories.
That's what people want.
To spend money to listen to dull and boring stuff.
Gila's boring stuff.
And I'm the weird one? Come on!
Go to hell.
Thank you.
People always say to me, "You're really weird."
I'm sorry, I have a personality. Maybe you don't have one.
BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PERSONALITY
Do I consider myself weird? I've always been distinct.
At school, in my neighborhood…
At uni. Always distinct.
BASIC DISTINCT
I'm not into soccer.
I don't watch TV,
but I'm into things like films, fashion, urban music…
Not the typical stuff.
HE'S A PART OF THE OTHER 50%
I don't see myself in a conventional job.
A nine-to-five, going to the office.
Prepacked lunch, on the subway.
I'm a free guy.
HAS WEALTHY PARENTS
I'm drinking kombucha. Do you know what kombucha is?
Have you ever tried kombucha? Kombucha is the only thing I drink.
HE GETS IT: ANYWHERE
Seitan sandwich because I'm a flexitarian.
It's like being a vegan, but eating animal products.
This has eggs and cheese.
WHAT A PAIR
Wear this in my hometown? No way.
WEIRDO + WEIRDO
ORDINARY
I started wearing these shirts before anyone else did.
What's up?
Hello. How are you doing?
How are you?
I'm gonna do a little stand-up.
But excuse me, because I have to make a call first.
It'll only be a sec.
Just a moment.
Let's see, contacts. "Ch, chu, chur, church."
"Church…" I've got a few.
"Saint, Saint Ben… Saint Benedict." That's the one.
Hello. Is this the church of Saint Benedict?
Put Saint Benedict on. I mean, the priest.
I'm a member of the congregation.
Thank you.
Don Faustino. How are you?
It's me, Joaquín.
I'm calling to find out how much you charge,
in the old pesetas, to officiate a wedding.
Man and woman. An old-school wedding.
No, it's not for me. It's for my cousin.
He wants to marry an American woman.
Heather. That's her name. My cousin's name is Federico.
Yes.
That's outrageous.
No, that's a lot of money.
We weren't planning a low-cost wedding, but something mid-range.
No, that's…
What? That's a fortune.
For starters, you're putting a carpet from the door to the car.
I think what we can do is park at the door and place a doormat.
That way, people don't get the floor dirty.
What else can we do?
No, the choir can go too.
We'll get rid of the choir
and play a C. Tangana song.
Yes.
Yes. Hold on. Don't applaud, I can't hear him.
Any of them. They're all bangers.
That one, Don Faustino. That's a good one.
I was an atheist
But now I believe
Because a miracle like you…
That's it.
The only thing is…
My cousin says
that even though it's a simple wedding, he wants it to last at least six years.
No. Don't get me started, Don Faustino.
You performed my brother Ernesto's wedding and said, "Till death do you part,"
but they were split up by a life coach.
One more thing.
Yes, does my cousin have to bring his own bride,
or can you provide one?
No, because the American girl is kind of plain.
You might have a prettier one.
Is my cousin handsome?
He's uglier than the back end of a bus.
They're not much of a couple.
Not your bride. I meant a spare one. Since so many get cold feet.
All right, then. Okay.
We'll bring the godparents, and you'll provide the altar boys.
Great. Okay.
Are you open on Sundays?
They work during the week.
Well, I think that's it.
Yes, I'll give you a two-day notice so you're not caught off guard.
Okay, Don Faustino.
Okay, yes.
When am I getting married?
I live with my partner, but I'm thinking of getting married.
This partner thing sounds like we're cops.
Right. Bye, Don Faustino. Goodbye.
Anyway…
Forgive me.
I had to make that call.
Weddings, what a great invention.
Inventions are really something. You know, my grandpa was an inventor.
He invented a mug.
He put the handle on the left and called it the left-handed mug.
He invented more things.
My grandpa invented the poor man's colander.
With no holes, so they could keep the broth and dunk bread in it.
Everyone in the neighborhood loved him.
So many people attended his funeral
that we had to bury him six times.
People chanted, "Encore!" so…
And we… Yes.
We took him out, put him back in, like baking a cake.
We'd bury him, and a neighbor would say, "I haven't seen him," and out he'd come.
My grandpa was older than me.
But I was the one giving him advice.
"Grandpa, enough with the inventions. We already have Asians for that."
Asians have some incredible inventions.
For example, the Japanese inventions.
They have inventions for everything.
For instance,
I'll give you an example.
When you go to the toilet,
don't you like a warm toilet seat?
Serious question.
One person here says yes.
Well, the Japanese
invented a mechanism that automatically heats the toilet seat.
I went to Tokyo a few years ago,
and you can't imagine the toilets in Japan.
The number of things they have.
There's a button you press,
and it squirts water straight at your butthole.
Your butthole.
Asian and Caucasian buttholes are in the same place.
Same coordinates. I promise.
You may think Asians are short "downstairs." Not true.
The plugs and sockets are different, but buttholes are universal.
I tried out this invention.
I said, "What does this button do?" I pressed it, and then…
I liked it so much, it was a treat. Finish up and get a squirt.
The Japanese have also been working for some months on an orthopedic leg
that you program on a computer.
Just like a planner. "Monday, go to the doctor."
"Tuesday, do my taxes."
"Wednesday, dinner appointment."
Put the leg on, and it takes you there.
Oh, those Japanese. But what about the Chinese?
Don't forget the Chinese.
They've invented amazing things. They invented gunpowder and rice.
Sounds like a perfect weekend for a Valencian.
Thanks a lot!
God bless you. Thank you.
-This guy doesn't have an Ondas Award. -Nope.
-But if I start to check, neither does he. -No.
-Neither does she. -No.
-Him… -No, and he's hideous too.
-Right? -Terrible.
We can't hang out with people who don't have Ondas.
We have an Ondas now. We should hang out with other people.
You know what they have that we don't, Cárol?
Money.
That's not contagious.
I went to a Catholic school.
You learn all those things
they teach in schools so you can do crossword puzzles when you're older.
Rivers, mountains, the Pythagorean theorem.
But I wrote a bunch of things because I wanted, in some way,
to pay homage to my childhood friends
who weren't as lucky as I was to have become popular,
but who were very important to me all through my childhood.
Hi. How are you?
You'll have to excuse me…
Excuse me, but I have to make a call, and I'm a millennial.
So it's the first time I've seen a landline. I'm stoked.
What a cute wire. Funny, isn't it?
My cat wears these as a harness so it doesn't climb onto the roof.
I'm kidding. I don't have a cat.
My daughter wears it, but that sounds worse.
She thinks the house is a climbing gym. Come on!
No way. Speaking of my house, it's a disaster.
You know? I'm… a single mom.
It's a mess, horrible.
Let's see…
The monthly daycare bill.
Outrageous!
Shameful.
These days, they do everything at an earlier age. It's amazing.
Yes.
Is this No Brexit in the Sky Bilingual Daycare Center?
I don't want my daughter to be like me. I don't speak a word of English.
Apart from "potato."
Yes, listen…
My daughter brought me the daycare center bill,
and I'm wondering if you accidentally sent me a diaper bill.
I mean, she's got constipation!
Right. You think so?
I don't get why it says here, "Boarding school: 1,000 euros."
Is that for the school or the TV show?
Sure. Well, yes.
"Relaxing yoga: 70 euros."
Who's this yogi?
Can't you get Boo-Boo?
Oh, you can't? Put YouTube videos on for her.
I let her watch them all day to relax.
That's right.
She doesn't say "bread" now. She says "yuca."
Look, there's something I don't get.
It says, "100 euros: Valencian classes."
I don't agree.
No. She's coming home and saying I make rice with things.
But the worst thing is she's calling me "nano," instead of "Mom."
"Nano…"
Great.
Here's one thing I don't understand. "Playground wear and tear."
Is she made out of sandpaper and has eroded the playground?
Why don't we go fifty-fifty on it?
Because, I mean… I don't know…
The playground wears away at my daughter too, don't you think?
Oh, sure.
There's more. "Medical checkup: 100 euros."
Was it for my daughter or Mbappé?
By the way, my daughter told me she's teaching science classes.
She has to teach them.
It's part of the what method?
The Montessori Method? Isn't that a movie?
You don't charge for these classes, do you?
So it's a modern teaching method. I see.
In China, it's called child labor.
I'll tell her she should quit studying and become a YouTuber. Sorted.
She'll stay home. Why not?
Pretty soon, you'll have her fixing the gym because Monte Cristo says so.
She can't even speak right. What do you teach there?
She asked me, "Mom, do you write 'high' with an H or not?"
"Of course you write it with an H. Otherwise, it'd be 'hig.'"
Seriously.
You're…
You're not teaching her!
What's that?
They hung up.
Screw them.
Thank you.
In all my monologues,
be they absurd or not, I try to say something
that has some purpose.
It's not only absurd. It also has a little criticism or irony.
Thank you.
It's incredible. This special has four female comedians against nine men.
-There are ten men. -No.
That's Quequé.
Good evening.
Allow me to make a very important call.
We've got a real mess on our hands with the war. My goodness.
I end up having to do everything.
I have a general who bought some binoculars.
And all day, it's, "Check her out!"
Stop peeping at balconies and look at the trenches.
When it comes to handing out medals, he wants them all for himself.
He's like, "Give me that one. That too. The round one."
"Not that one. I already got it."
I've got a medal too.
A priest gave it to me.
I asked, "Father, may I have a medal?" He felt sorry for me and gave me one.
It depicts Saint Anthony.
He dedicated it on the back.
It says, "To Héctor, from your friend Saint Anthony. Big hug."
Hey. I deserve the medals. I absolutely love war. I do.
Not to brag, but I kill…
My goodness, do I kill.
The other day, I shot a guy in combat. Pow!
He says, "You shot me." I said, "Enemy much?"
"What did you expect, a kiss?"
"You put a hole in me." "Stick a cork in it."
"I need it for my canteen." I'm like, "Shut up and die already."
"I'm trying to advance."
If the colonel comes and sees me talking to the enemy, I'm screwed.
My colonel's got some temper.
But he's a good guy.
The other day we were in combat.
An old lady was crossing, and he said, "Cease fire."
We didn't shoot until she finished crossing.
I love war. I really do.
The worst part for me is going home.
The arguing with my wife…
As soon as I get home, "Look at you, all dirty."
"You went off looking like a million bucks and came back filthy."
"We have to crawl through mud." She goes, "Then put some newspapers down!"
Anyway…
I've got a cross-eyed lieutenant who makes my day.
He says, "I take aim, and I don't miss."
Everyone's like, "Careful which eye he uses to aim."
War has a bad reputation, but it has good and bad things.
I wasn't always a soldier. I've had other jobs too.
I was once an apprentice thief in a gang of thieves.
I had to quit because I got sick.
I was returning everything I stole.
Then I said, "I'm going to London."
I went to London and joined Scotland Yard.
You know Scotland Yard?
Damn!
You know Jack the Ripper, the serial killer?
I caught him.
That's right, Jack the Ripper.
I've never told anyone out of modesty, but it was me.
This is how it went.
We were in Scotland Yard, and we saw a guy sleeping in the street.
He'd been there over a month, so the sergeant said,
"That's a long nap for an adult."
We called the coroner.
Not a doctor. He lived on the corner, so we called him "the coroner."
The guy runs up to the body, starts kicking him in the back,
and says, "He's either dead or one tough son of a bitch."
Anyway, Sherlock Holmes came
and said, "This looks like the work of Jack the Ripper."
We asked, "How do you know?" "I'm Sherlock Holmes, that's why."
So, I found out which hotel Jack the Ripper was staying at,
and I checked myself in.
But, since I don't like violence,
I decided to smoke him out with hints.
I'd run into him in the hallway at night and say, "Someone has been killing."
"I'm not pointing any fingers…"
The next day, again, "Someone's a murderer."
"I'm no snitch, but…"
After 15 days, he said, "I can't take it. It was me. Arrest me."
What a time…
I eventually left Scotland Yard because being a cop in London sucks.
The fog's so thick, you have to walk the beat feeling around.
I'd slam into lampposts.
And I ended up doing this.
I don't really know what it is, but I love it. Thanks.
I love how these red suits look on us.
Much better than pink. When no one's looking, I'm taking it.
What? We look awful. We look like Italian drug dealers.
And cover yourself up. We're feminists.
This is how it works. I'm objectifying myself on TV.
Show off a little.
Nobody cares.
What is this?
All these people are performing, and we're here.
They're saving the best for last. The divas for last. You and I.
-When have I lied to you? -All the time.
We're just the phone-in vote. Nobody cares about us. We're on last.
I'm getting angry.
Are you angry, pissed off, or got your panties in a twist?
-All three. -They're not the same.
-The three of them are different. -What's the difference?
You get angry, for example, at me for calling at 2:00 a.m.
to tell you I left my wallet at your place.
You did that last night.
Why are you always so selfish?
Everything is always about you. It's all Carolina Iglesias, right?
You get pissed off at me calling you again at 5:00 a.m.,
insisting that I left my wallet at your place.
You did that last night too.
-Made you angry, right? -Yes.
You're nasty. You always have been.
So, what would get my panties in a twist?
Me telling you right now that the wallet was never at your place.
I had it all along, it was your wallet, and I took 20 euros.
You're ridiculous. This is pissing me off.
When do we go on? We look like Chip 'n' Dale here.
Hold on. I've got it.
This is how we're involved. We were never meant to go on.
-They did it again. We're fools. -No.
-It was your agent. -They wouldn't do that to us, would they?
Would they?
"I'm going to give you a concert on the violin
that you won't forget for as long as you live."
"Personally, the violin isn't my…"
"But in my family,
everyone's big on fingering."
"My dad's brother died because of a violin."
"He'd already almost died in '67."
I'm enjoying these lines.
Holy shit.
It'd be nice to do this, but without quoting Gila.
"In '67." Thanks for rewinding it.
"He was playing 'La Danza del Fuego.'"
"His eyebrows caught fire,
and if we hadn't been fast with the water keg, he would've burned."
I see those faces.
People are looking at me now.
Like, "You're killing it, Ignatius."
And I see people looking at me like,
"I'm not saying I don't like it…
but you gotta admit, this is an eccentric way…
of playing Gila."
"The other day we were in a meeting, and I said--"
"And his mother said, 'Play something, José Ramón.'"
"By the way, there was this fat lady…"
Those were different times.
It's a fucking classic!
Let's separate the art from the artist.
"By the way, there was this fat lady
who caused a huge fuss,
leaning against a wall."
"'Keep your hands off me, or I'll bust your face
because I'm a very clean and decent woman,
and the thing with the sergeant was an accident.'"
"The accident's name is Carlitos."
"He's yea…"
In brackets…
The brackets contain
acting prompts.
It says, "Gesture that he's tall."
"Carlitos is yea tall now."
This is emotional.
My grandma loved Gila.
And I didn't watch Gila.
I watched my grandma.
She'd be laughing. And me, as a boy, didn't even watch the TV.
I'd watch my grandma laugh and look at her smile.
I recall these lines perfectly.
The…
Thank you.
"Open the case…"
This sucks because some brackets you have to read
and some you have to act out.
"Open the case, there's nothing inside."
Well, what will happen now?
Could this show be better than Cirque du Soleil?
"Oh, my God, it looks like I forgot it."
"I'm going to call home."
BAD MEMORY RUNS IN THE FAMILY
"I'm going to call home."
"Maybe I left it there."
"Listen, honey,
did I leave my violin on your bed?"
"Yes, honey."
"Yes, darling, sweetheart, sugar."
"Yes, honey."
"It's the maid."
"I hate her guts…"
"Yes."
"A violin."
"Long, made of wood. It's got hairs."
"That's a paintbrush."
"Is my aunt Rosario there? Put her on."
"My aunt Rosario is a spinster."
"When she was born, they said to her father,
'You've had a spinster.'"
"Into the phone."
"Aunt Rosario,
I didn't leave a violin on your bed, did I?"
"See if you can find it."
"She hasn't found a boyfriend, but she'll find a violin."
"She got plastic surgery,
and they did a crappy job."
"She wanted to take 15 years off, but she didn't have the money,
so she took off six days."
"Today's Wednesday, and her face looks like it did last Thursday."
"She got lost one night."
"We went to the police station with a photo,
the captain looked at it and said,
'Are you sure you want to find her?'"
"Yes, what is it? Maybe Grandma has it."
"Put Grandma on, will you?"
"She's also a spinster."
"And she's Deaf."
"During the war, a bomb fell on the house,
and she said, 'No slamming doors!'"
"And the time the gas tank exploded,
she came out holding a glass."
"'Champagne.'"
"Granny, have you seen my violin?"
"Granny? She says, 'My name's not Annie.'"
"And she hung up."
"Well, never mind,
because, to tell you the truth,
you didn't miss out on much,
because I play
by ear
and not…"
I can relate to this part.
"Because I play by ear…"
Damn.
It feels nice to see yourself in someone else's words.
"Because I play by ear and don't take advice."
Thank you all.
Thank you, Gila.
Thank you, Gila, for teaching us,
for helping us realize
that we each have to do it our own way.
Thank you all.
Not to disparage the Spanish people,
who are so very honest and very spontaneous,
and who say what they feel without worrying about hurting anybody.
They say it because it's what they feel.
So, the character, or characters I created, with the beret,
always try to say things with an innocence
that allows them to step down from all hypocrisy
and say exactly how they feel.
I'm from a very poor neighborhood.
When I was a kid, we were so poor I thought "tea" was a place.
People would say, "I'm going to tea." And I'd say, "I'm staying. I'm hungry."
Where I'm from, if someone's missing, they're in prison.
We don't say "goodbye." We say, "Arrest you later."
My neighborhood's called Garlic Smut.
We're not Spain's smartest bunch. I'll warn you.
They said to one guy, "Your mouth's open." He answered, "I know, I opened it."
To give you an idea.
My cousin got offered a job at a bar. "Would you like to be a dishwasher?"
He asked, "What do dishwashers do?"
My aunt, being his mother, can only say one thing.
She always says,
"My son's very intelligent. He just doesn't show any symptoms of it."
Where I'm from, what we like most are the festivities we have every year.
On the first day, we begin with the strongman competition.
We place a rock this big and crack it with our heads.
Johnny cracked it with two headbutts. He died right when we gave him the prize.
To show off, he didn't wear a cap. He did it bareheaded.
I remember
when they put in electrical liars,
we told Michael they were for hanging laundry.
He climbed up… Zap!
When he fell, he looked like cigar ashes.
The cop said, "Not a breeze until the jury gets here."
The doctor was like, "Let me give him a tennis shot."
Even his dad said, "You killed my son, but I got a good laugh."
We pranked the pharmacist,
may he rest in peace.
At night he serves you through a tiny window, you know?
So, we held the doctor's prescription far away.
He had to pop his head outside to read it.
We put a steak on his neck,
and Cristian released the pit bull…
Chomp.
It took the dog three days to poop the glasses out.
Dani Rovira reported us.
God, are you watching this? Ernesto Sevilla, Arturo Valls, Vaquero.
These guys have to be dewormed immediately.
The best pranks were at weddings.
Macahan got married three months ago.
We put the bride on a train to Extremadura.
Her train must be in Plasencia right now.
Macahan was drunk, so he didn't even notice
that we put a circus pony in his bed.
He didn't notice until the next morning.
The way he told it had us in stitches. He said, "I kissed her on the muzzle
and thought, 'Holy crap, my girl Vane shaved!'"
"I felt the saddle and thought it was her panty girdle."
We asked him about the tail. He said, "I thought they were new extensions."
We have fun in my neighborhood, we do.
In those fancy developments there are luxury homes,
but they don't know how to behave.
One day in La Moraleja,
named that way because most of its residents are very moral,
some guy calls me a crook.
A crook! Me!
I asked, "What do you do?" He said, "I'm a politician."
When I heard that, I left. I didn't even say goodbye.
I said, "Arrest you later!"
Sorry for butchering it, Boss. We miss you dearly.
Humor is a kind of mental deception where you have to surprise,
so you have to make it so that one never knows what you're gonna say.
In my specific case, paint absurd scenarios
that aren't all that absurd.
I mean,
the fact that things haven't happened doesn't mean they can't happen.
Don't ever die,
because dying is something you can't go back on.
Once you die,
you can't do the things you could do when you were alive.
You can't make videos on TikTok.
You can't walk the dog,
play dominoes, buy oil.
Honestly, if you get the choice,
don't ever die.
Take it from me. I've died several times.
I remember the first time I died.
I was like eight or nine years old.
I was at the beach with my family.
It was my fault. I didn't listen to my mother,
and I went into the water with a full stomach.
It just so happened that day I'd gobbled down…
What was it?
I ate half a potato omelet,
a flask of gazpacho,
two loaves of homemade bread,
three Canary Island bananas, from La Palma, specifically,
and that was it.
Well, and a glass of herb liqueur.
Yes, in those days people weren't as fussy about children.
I should've listened to my mother, but I didn't.
I went in the water
and started feeling sick.
I swallowed so much water. The worst kind of water.
When I tried to tell my parents I was drowning,
they thought I was waving
and waved back with a handkerchief while I sunk like the Titanic.
It was tragic.
Thinking about it, the second time I died,
I was about 20, and it was in the Civil War.
I was in the trenches. This one annoyed me.
This death really pissed me off.
Because I didn't die. I was killed.
I was lying there in the trench.
I remember I was whistling some of Piquer's coplas,
quietly, so that the enemy didn't hear me,
and just as I got to the chorus of "Ojos Verdes,"
this huge bomb landed right on top of me. Boom!
It obliterated me. I died.
Boy, was I angry.
And you can't complain to anyone.
Who do you complain to about getting killed?
Even if you could complain and they took notice, what are they gonna do?
Bring you back from the dead?
I'm not the biggest saint.
The third time I died,
I'd gotten a job in construction.
I was up on the scaffolding, on the ninth or tenth floor.
A guy next to me dropped some bricks on the scaffolding that made it wobble,
I lost my balance,
and fell into the abyss.
Which isn't actually an abyss.
That's not a fitting name.
Because at some point…
there's something.
That something is called cement, and it happens to be what kills you.
If it really was the abyss, I'd still be falling
into some crazy space-time.
Do you know what happened as I fell?
What people always say.
Your whole life as a movie.
Boring as hell.
Not even a trailer, the whole thing.
It's all there. There's no fast-forward button.
No, the whole movie.
My whole life.
From my brother-in-law's yapping every Christmas Eve…
to a Getafe vs. Levante match I saw. I was like, "What's this all about?"
The last time I died…
I remember it like it was yesterday.
I was 82 or 83, more or less.
I don't remember, at that age your memory gets a bit foggy.
Yes, I died. I didn't want to die.
It was a lovely sunny day in spring.
I read my horoscope, "Health: good."
I was like…
I remember the funeral.
A couple of pals came, acquaintances.
I didn't know their names, but they came.
Some neighbors came.
Family.
Some guy from the book club came too.
We'd become friends after years of him coming to my house.
One thing I remember
is that when the funeral ended,
everyone left,
and I stayed there alone.
The night set in,
and I was left with the flowers and the wreaths.
Eventually, the flowers began to wilt.
It seems that if nobody looks at a flower, it withers.
And after that,
other than a common cold and a couple of styes,
I haven't had any issues.
That's why I tell you that
although we may sometimes feel like dying,
although life might not always shape things the way you want it to,
I must insist,
don't ever die.
Life is beautiful. What the hell!
Thanks a lot.
This world
So wonderful
Rich and beautiful
Is a piece of shit
With its haters
With its soldiers
With your brother-in-law
And with
Reggaeton
There are politicians
As well as critics
I need
My tranquilizers
But if the sorrow goes on
There's no better remedy
Than to split one's sides
Is this the enemy?
Put him on
I'm gonna laugh in his face
And tell jokes at his funeral
There are fanatics
And the problematic
There are the unfriendly
And the melodramatic
But if the sorrow goes on
There's no better remedy
Than to split one's sides
Is this the enemy?
Put him on
I'm gonna laugh in his face
And tell jokes at his funeral
We also want to…
What do we do?
What should we sing?
-Come on! -The words are easy.
That's it!
Is this the enemy?
Put him on
Is this the enemy?
Put him on
Thank you all for watching.
Accept all my affection and everything
I always gave you,
and will continue to give you, even as I'm on the road.
You're always in my thoughts.
You're really banging on about Gila. Are we only gonna talk about Gila today?
He's obviously a role model in stand-up, right?
He was a pioneer for stand-up comics in this country.
Gila was already quite old when I was little,
but he was in amazing shape.
And the bits, as we've seen today,
still work as if they were written yesterday.
The lines are the same, but instead of "parents," I say "grandparents."
And they still work. They worked at the time,
and they're still current today, which is awesome.
It's weird because you know you won't tell it better than him.
When you dial the phone, you channel Gila's spirit in the lines.
He takes over.
Is this a heartfelt tribute or what?
Gila is a big part of my childhood.
I watched him with my parents, and it's a beautiful memory.
Yes.
Subtitle translation by: M. C.