1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
2
00:00:06,560 --> 00:00:09,560
A NETFLIX COMEDY SPECIAL
3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
4
00:00:10,520 --> 00:00:13,040
-[birds singing]
-♪ Josefina, Josefina ♪
5
00:00:13,120 --> 00:00:14,800
Let's see. This goes here.
6
00:00:14,880 --> 00:00:16,520
[phone ringing]
7
00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:17,640
What timing.
8
00:00:19,400 --> 00:00:20,240
Yes?
9
00:00:20,920 --> 00:00:22,360
-[ringing]
-[Dani] Hello?
10
00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:25,320
[ringing stops]
11
00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:28,320
Yeah?
12
00:00:28,400 --> 00:00:29,720
[energetic music playing]
13
00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:31,480
Yes. Sure.
14
00:00:31,560 --> 00:00:32,640
Definitely.
15
00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:34,280
Okay. I'll be right there.
16
00:00:34,360 --> 00:00:36,360
[grunts] Hello?
17
00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:39,920
Sure. I'm right around the corner.
I'm on my way. [laughs]
18
00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:43,000
Nacho and I will go.
Nobody can tell us apart anyway.
19
00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:44,600
Right. See you soon.
20
00:00:44,680 --> 00:00:45,520
Okay. Bye.
21
00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:48,440
So? Did it work? Were they fooled?
22
00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:50,680
-No, but we're going anyway.
-That's right!
23
00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:53,800
How dare they tell us
we can't take David's place!
24
00:00:53,880 --> 00:00:54,760
[phone rings]
25
00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:56,160
What's up?
26
00:00:57,240 --> 00:00:58,720
Mm, sorry, I can't.
27
00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:02,880
I'm about to check out this show
with Spain's top comedians performing…
28
00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:05,560
Oh. Yeah. That's the one.
29
00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:06,640
Ah. [chuckles]
30
00:01:06,720 --> 00:01:08,000
Well, I'm already here.
31
00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:09,360
Okay then.
32
00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:13,480
Whoa. Nice. I'm on time for once.
33
00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:15,880
[phone ringing]
34
00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:18,440
[phone continues ringing]
35
00:01:20,320 --> 00:01:22,280
-♪ And roll! ♪
-[phone ringing]
36
00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:25,640
Yes? I got my hands full at the moment.
37
00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:30,680
Okay. I'll leave just as soon
as I send this important email. Later.
38
00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:31,800
Yes, this is Arturo.
39
00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:35,480
No, not Reverte. The one from Caiga.
40
00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:37,640
Wyoming? No, the other guy.
41
00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:42,240
I'm about to start a match,
but the show can't go on without me.
42
00:01:42,320 --> 00:01:43,160
I'll be there.
43
00:01:43,240 --> 00:01:45,600
[disguising voice]
Juan Carlos Ortega's office.
44
00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:46,960
I'm on my way.
45
00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:49,720
Of course the whole cast
of Pantomima will be there.
46
00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:51,920
-Alberto and I are going.
-[man speaking on phone]
47
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:53,760
The banners? They'll be there too.
48
00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:55,240
SUPPORTING ACT IN THEIR OWN SHOW
49
00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:57,400
Of course. Is now a good time?
50
00:01:57,480 --> 00:01:59,360
Sweetheart, I have to go.
51
00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:01,200
Someday you'll understand.
52
00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:04,640
I'll give it my all.
I wouldn't miss this for the world.
53
00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:07,160
Okay, we'll do it.
54
00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:09,160
Tronchi and Monchi are going all out.
55
00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:12,760
[sighs] When are we gonna stop
saying yes to everything?
56
00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:15,240
Same as all the big stars.
When we have a stroke.
57
00:02:15,320 --> 00:02:17,400
[phone ringing]
58
00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:20,440
[clears throat] Hello?
59
00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:23,040
Sure. Give me five minutes.
60
00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:23,960
Ten, tops.
61
00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:30,200
[lively music playing]
62
00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:32,920
[audience cheering and applauding]
63
00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:42,160
[David] Hi.
64
00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:44,080
[chuckles]
65
00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:47,240
How's it going?
66
00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:48,800
[audience continues cheering]
67
00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:50,200
Thank you, everyone.
68
00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:53,800
Thank you.
69
00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:55,920
[clears throat]
70
00:02:56,440 --> 00:02:58,040
How are you? Thanks for coming.
71
00:02:58,120 --> 00:03:00,120
I want to tell you the story of my life.
72
00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:02,800
It's wild, but then again,
it's the only one I have.
73
00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:06,600
I could share my sister Elisa's,
but she's not a fan of that.
74
00:03:06,680 --> 00:03:09,360
It makes her mad.
So how about I just focus on mine?
75
00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:12,520
Something I should note.
I should've been born in the winter.
76
00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:15,080
But my family was poor
and we didn't have heating.
77
00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:16,760
So, I waited until May.
78
00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:19,280
And then, bam! Out I came. [chuckles]
79
00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:21,560
-[laughter]
-It caught everyone off guard.
80
00:03:21,640 --> 00:03:26,280
My mom thought it was a false alarm
and went out to borrow some parsley.
81
00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:30,840
I popped out on my own and went downstairs
to tell the building caretaker.
82
00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:33,160
I said, "Ms. Julia, I'm a boy."
83
00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:34,400
[audience laughs]
84
00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:35,560
She went, "So?"
85
00:03:35,640 --> 00:03:38,200
I said, "I was just born,
my mom's not home,
86
00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:41,160
and I need milk.
So if you could just give me a little…"
87
00:03:42,040 --> 00:03:43,920
She said, "Maybe. We'll see."
88
00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:46,360
She ended up breastfeeding me.
Not a whole lot.
89
00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:48,680
She didn't even have enough
for a macchiato.
90
00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:49,720
[audience chuckles]
91
00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:53,640
After all, she'd already breastfed 11 kids
and one staff sergeant.
92
00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:57,920
Didn't even have the decency to marry her.
What an ungrateful lout.
93
00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:01,920
Nothing but a pig who dunked churros
on her boobs. Outrageous, I tell you.
94
00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:02,880
Just terrible.
95
00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:06,160
So, I went home and sat down,
and when my mom came back,
96
00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:08,800
I opened the door
and said, "Mom, I was born."
97
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:13,040
And she said,
"Don't you ever do that again!"
98
00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:14,320
[audience laughs]
99
00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:16,360
"I'm sick of you kids doing that!"
100
00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:17,720
[audience applauds]
101
00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:24,960
Nine siblings, plus my mom, my dad,
102
00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:27,040
and some guy who sat in the hallway.
103
00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:29,160
We didn't know him. That apartment…
104
00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:32,040
We were really poor.
105
00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:34,240
My mom abandoned us like orphans.
106
00:04:34,320 --> 00:04:36,800
She left us in baskets on doorsteps.
107
00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:40,720
She left me at the door
of some very wealthy marquises.
108
00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:42,240
They had everything.
109
00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:44,120
Ties, soup…
110
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:45,760
[audience chuckles]
111
00:04:45,840 --> 00:04:48,120
They flushed their toilet
with mineral water.
112
00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:50,840
And their X-rays were in oil on canvas.
113
00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:54,720
Painted by Goya. It was crazy.
114
00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:56,440
[chuckles] You know.
115
00:04:56,520 --> 00:04:58,960
[audience applauds]
116
00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:03,720
But then the marquises
wanted me to finish high school.
117
00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:07,400
Which, you know, is that thing
that helps you do crosswords and stuff.
118
00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:10,200
It's very useful, actually.
But it wasn't my thing.
119
00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:13,840
So, I took off and got a job
with this amazing photographer.
120
00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:17,720
Guy could make anyone look good.
He could take a bum off the street
121
00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:20,040
and make him look like
a green-eyed admiral.
122
00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:21,800
He was amazingly talented.
123
00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:25,720
I used the money I made
to go on a tour around Europe.
124
00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:28,280
Super cheap.
I saw the entire continent for €40.
125
00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:29,920
We moved at an incredible pace.
126
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:32,720
Nineteen countries in eleven days.
So fast.
127
00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:36,280
The guides would say, "C'mon!"
The women would be like, "I gotta pee."
128
00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:38,640
They'd say, "Pee in Holland. Let's go."
129
00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:40,640
"Relax. Keep moving."
130
00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:43,440
But it was great to see Europe.
131
00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:46,280
To kick things off, they took us
132
00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:49,160
to the Leaning Tower of London.
You may have heard of it.
133
00:05:50,040 --> 00:05:53,480
Then to Paris
and the Awful Tower. Just beautiful.
134
00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:54,400
The Lube Museum.
135
00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:57,000
We didn't even have time to see the lube.
136
00:05:57,080 --> 00:06:00,160
Like, "Where is it?
It's the one thing I wanted to see."
137
00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:02,560
Then on to
the Tomb of the Ingrown Soldier.
138
00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:08,080
And then the square where the French
"took the bad pill," or so we were told.
139
00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:09,080
Eh, if you say so.
140
00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:12,080
Then, to Napoleon's tomb.
141
00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:14,240
The guide said, "Look. Napoleon's ashes."
142
00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:16,480
And I was like,
"The guy sure smoked a lot."
143
00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:19,040
"My God, that's wild."
144
00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:20,720
-[audience applauds]
-[chuckles]
145
00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:27,680
Then we went to Greece.
And Greece? Really, what can I say?
146
00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:30,120
It's just there.
147
00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:33,400
Uh, you can't be ignorant
and say, "Greece isn't there!"
148
00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:34,600
It's there, all right.
149
00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:38,000
But have you seen it?
It's a mess. Just terrible.
150
00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:42,440
Everything's busted and ancient.
Older than dirt.
151
00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:44,160
All the statues are broken.
152
00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:47,040
One's got no head.
Another's missing an arm, a leg…
153
00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:51,360
It's like, why not put them all together
and make one good one? [laughs]
154
00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:52,360
Just one.
155
00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:54,080
Right here.
156
00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:55,240
[audience applauds]
157
00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:56,280
I mean…
158
00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:01,080
I didn't really like Greece
because we didn't get to see much.
159
00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:04,080
We were like, "What country is this?"
They'd say "Greece."
160
00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:07,680
And we were like, "The movie?"
Then it was back to the bus. Back home.
161
00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:11,800
That's pretty much my life story.
I'll tell you more another day.
162
00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:13,760
Thank you for coming.
163
00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:15,760
-Thank you so much.
-[audience cheers]
164
00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:17,120
Thank you, everyone.
165
00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:18,680
[energetic music playing]
166
00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:19,600
Thank you.
167
00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:22,760
Thanks for coming.
168
00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:24,280
See you.
169
00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:25,200
Bye!
170
00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:28,280
[piano music playing]
171
00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:30,400
When I talk about war
172
00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:32,760
and call the enemy on the phone…
173
00:07:32,840 --> 00:07:38,160
It's because I'm trying to make fun of
things I find ridiculous
174
00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:40,360
and lay them bare.
175
00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:43,280
-[music fades]
-[audience cheers and applauds]
176
00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:57,640
[takes a deep breath]
Hello? Is this the enemy?
177
00:07:58,600 --> 00:07:59,720
Is this the en--?
178
00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:02,680
Could you stop the war for a moment?
179
00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:06,040
I said, could you
stop the war for a moment?
180
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:10,240
Now I can hear you.
I wanted to ask you something.
181
00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:13,280
Um, are you planning to advance tomorrow?
182
00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:15,720
Yes, but at what time?
183
00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:17,040
[audience chuckles]
184
00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:20,600
Okay, on Sunday then?
185
00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:22,480
At what time?
186
00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:24,240
At seven?
187
00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:26,360
We're all in bed at seven.
188
00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:28,240
[audience laughs]
189
00:08:28,320 --> 00:08:30,840
Couldn't you do it in the afternoon?
190
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:33,200
After the soccer match.
191
00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:34,440
[audience chuckles]
192
00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:36,280
Will there be many of you?
193
00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:38,840
Oof. Wow, that's brutal.
194
00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:42,760
We won't have enough bullets.
195
00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:45,880
Don't worry. We'll shoot,
and you can share them.
196
00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:48,080
[audience laughs and applauds]
197
00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:55,760
Listen, your spy was here yesterday.
198
00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:58,600
Agustín. Short guy,
dressed like a flamenco dancer.
199
00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:02,360
He took the maps to our powder magazine.
200
00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:05,680
Ask him to return them.
They're the only ones.
201
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:09,320
Just tell him to make copies
and give them back.
202
00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:13,040
Yes, we can't find
the powder or the magazine.
203
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:14,240
All right? Okay.
204
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:18,360
One question.
Could you stop the war for an hour?
205
00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:19,280
One hour?
206
00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:23,200
Our cannon's jammed.
207
00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:25,200
Seems our sergeant stuck his head in
208
00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:27,600
to inspect it,
and now he can't get it out.
209
00:09:27,680 --> 00:09:28,840
[audience laughs]
210
00:09:28,920 --> 00:09:31,720
Yes, he's still alive.
He's saying, "Get me out of here!"
211
00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:32,920
Very much alive, yes.
212
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:34,200
[audience chuckles]
213
00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:36,360
We tried soap.
214
00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:38,880
It made his hair blond,
but he's still stuck.
215
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:40,880
[chuckles] Oh, sure.
216
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:43,840
Yes, I suppose firing might unjam it.
217
00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:45,240
We hadn't thought of that.
218
00:09:45,320 --> 00:09:46,600
[audience laughs]
219
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:51,080
So, we have an agreement, then?
See you on Sunday, yes? Right.
220
00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:52,320
Bye.
221
00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:55,440
[audience applauds]
222
00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:04,160
See, now that's
what's so terrible about war.
223
00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:06,080
It's dangerous, you know?
224
00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:08,560
But there are some perks.
225
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:12,320
For example, I can double-park the tank
whenever I want to.
226
00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:15,480
"Yeah, I left it there. So what?"
227
00:10:15,560 --> 00:10:18,240
I can tell the cop,
"I'll blow your head off!"
228
00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:21,280
He can't do a thing.
Excuse me. I need to make another call.
229
00:10:25,680 --> 00:10:27,120
All right. Hello.
230
00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:28,640
Is this the weapons factory?
231
00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:30,960
Great. Is Emilio there?
232
00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:33,400
That's right, the engineer.
233
00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:35,120
Put him on. Put him on.
234
00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:37,680
Tell him it's the army calling.
235
00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:42,200
Emilio, I'm calling to file a complaint.
236
00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:45,400
Two of the six cannons you sent yesterday
237
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:47,240
don't have holes.
238
00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:49,160
[audience laughs]
239
00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:52,040
We've taken to launching the shell
from the outside.
240
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:56,880
One guy pulls the trigger,
and another guy runs along with the shell.
241
00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:57,880
[audience laughs]
242
00:10:57,960 --> 00:10:59,000
Yeah.
243
00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:00,040
[audience applauds]
244
00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:06,280
It's going okay.
245
00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:08,760
Only thing is,
once he gets tired, he drops it.
246
00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:10,000
[audience laughs]
247
00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:12,360
We don't know where.
The guy never comes back.
248
00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:14,240
-[audience laughs]
-One more thing.
249
00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:17,680
The submarine you sent yesterday,
we like the color,
250
00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:20,360
but it doesn't float. Not one bit.
251
00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:21,520
[audience chuckles]
252
00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:25,440
We sent it to the ocean floor yesterday,
and it still hasn't come back up.
253
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:28,520
Oh, that was a ship?
254
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,720
[audience chuckles]
255
00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:34,040
Well, it sure was hard to sink.
256
00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:35,680
[audience laughs and applauds]
257
00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:47,160
Considering how much it cost, you'd think
it would come with a user manual.
258
00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:50,800
No, you'd better send another.
The one we have is wet.
259
00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:54,280
I also wanted to ask,
how much for machine guns?
260
00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:56,320
What if we buy two?
261
00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:00,240
No, we're using a normal rifle.
262
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,520
We just get a guy
with a stutter to fire it.
263
00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:04,240
-[audience laughs]
-Of course.
264
00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:05,880
No, it's not the same.
265
00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:07,200
It doesn't kill as well.
266
00:12:07,280 --> 00:12:08,480
[audience chuckles]
267
00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:14,480
We also don't have any tanks.
We just put a dwarf in a city car.
268
00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:16,520
Instead of shooting, he hurls insults.
269
00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:17,760
[audience laughs]
270
00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:20,000
No, it doesn't kill. It just hurts morale.
271
00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:21,560
[audience laughs]
272
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:25,080
So, let's see.
Send me two discount missiles,
273
00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:26,600
an antiaircraft gun,
274
00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:28,040
and that's it.
275
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:29,880
Oh, and an assortment of bullets.
276
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:32,400
We'll leave it at that, all right?
277
00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:34,840
Okay. See you on Sunday.
278
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:37,080
Have a nice killing.
279
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:39,600
-Bye.
-[audience applauds]
280
00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:40,800
[lively music playing]
281
00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:45,960
[music fades]
282
00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:49,560
These seats suck. We're such losers.
283
00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:52,560
What? We have box seats.
They're expensive.
284
00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:53,600
This is the worst.
285
00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:57,040
You said there'd be funny performers,
but Vaquero's in the playbill.
286
00:12:57,760 --> 00:12:59,120
[Juan Carlos] Good evening.
287
00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:00,880
-How are you?
-[audience applauds]
288
00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:01,840
[grunts]
289
00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:06,440
I'll tell you what I have here.
290
00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:10,160
I really liked Ernesto's skit.
It was great.
291
00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:11,440
He called the enemy.
292
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:14,800
Gila also used to call the enemy a lot.
293
00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:17,800
But in my case, the enemy called me.
294
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:19,840
He said, "I've got something for you."
295
00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:21,480
"What?" "A cassette tape."
296
00:13:21,560 --> 00:13:22,760
I've got it right here.
297
00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:27,000
I asked, "What is it, enemy?"
He said, "Just play it."
298
00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:30,040
So, I came up with something
you might enjoy.
299
00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:32,120
I'll rewind the tape. Hold on a moment.
300
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:33,240
[tape rewinding]
301
00:13:33,320 --> 00:13:35,280
Right to the start. There.
302
00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:38,720
So, for the first time,
we can see Miguel Gila
303
00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:42,760
while hearing what he heard on the phone.
304
00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:44,800
This is the first time anyone's ever…
305
00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:50,040
You'll be the first to hear
the voice of the enemy.
306
00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:52,160
Let's play the video and tape together.
307
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:53,440
Start the video, please.
308
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:57,880
And I'll press play
at the right point so it syncs.
309
00:13:57,960 --> 00:13:59,920
-[explosions blast on video]
-Let's see…
310
00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:05,040
[phone rings]
311
00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:07,760
-[Gila] Enemy?
-[enemy] Yes.
312
00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:10,680
-Could you stop the war for a moment?
-[enemy] What?
313
00:14:10,760 --> 00:14:13,520
-Could you stop the war?
-[enemy] Can you hear me?
314
00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:15,280
-Now I can.
-[enemy] Okay.
315
00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:17,400
-I have a question.
-[enemy] What?
316
00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:18,960
-I…
-[enemy] What is it?
317
00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:20,920
Are you planning to advance tomorrow?
318
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:22,400
-[enemy] Yes.
-At what time?
319
00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:23,760
[enemy] No. Not tomorrow.
320
00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:25,240
-When?
-[enemy] Sunday.
321
00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:27,240
-Sunday? At what time?
-[enemy] Mm-hmm.
322
00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:28,640
At 7:00 a.m.
323
00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:30,480
We're all in bed at seven.
324
00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:31,400
[enemy] Sorry.
325
00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:34,040
-Couldn't you do it in the afternoon?
-[enemy] When?
326
00:14:34,120 --> 00:14:35,280
After the soccer match.
327
00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:38,120
-[enemy] Okay.
-Will there be many of you?
328
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:39,480
[enemy] Around 400.
329
00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:41,800
-Wow, that's brutal.
-[enemy] It's a lot.
330
00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:44,600
-We won't have enough bullets.
-[enemy] It is what it is.
331
00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:47,120
Don't worry. We'll shoot,
and you can share them.
332
00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:48,680
[enemy] Great. Good idea.
333
00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:51,960
-Listen, your spy was here yesterday.
-[enemy] Which one?
334
00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:54,560
Agustín. Short guy,
dressed like a flamenco dancer.
335
00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:57,040
-[enemy] Yeah.
-He took the maps to our powder magazine.
336
00:14:57,120 --> 00:14:58,960
Return them. They're the only ones.
337
00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:00,200
[enemy] We want them.
338
00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:02,800
Just tell him to make copies
and give them back.
339
00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:04,160
[enemy] Do you need them?
340
00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:07,200
Yes, we can't find
the magazine-- the powder magazine.
341
00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:09,280
[enemy] We'll give you the map tomorrow.
342
00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:10,200
Okay.
343
00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:11,400
-Question.
-[enemy] Yes?
344
00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:14,080
-Could you stop the war for an hour?
-[enemy] Why?
345
00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:16,400
-Our cannon's jammed.
-[enemy] How'd that happen?
346
00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:18,320
Seems our sergeant stuck his head in
347
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:20,800
to inspect it,
and now he can't get it out.
348
00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:22,160
[enemy] Is he alive or…?
349
00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:24,840
He's alive. We heard him say,
"Get me out of here!"
350
00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:26,920
-[audience laughs]
-[enemy] The poor man.
351
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:30,120
We tried soap. It made his hair blond,
but he's still stuck.
352
00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:32,040
[enemy] Maybe it'll unjam if you fire it.
353
00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:34,200
Yes, I suppose firing might unjam it.
354
00:15:34,280 --> 00:15:36,680
-[enemy] Of course.
-We hadn't thought of that.
355
00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:37,800
[enemy] Don't worry.
356
00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:40,360
-So, we have an agreement?
-[enemy] We attack on Sunday.
357
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,840
Okay, see you on Sunday.
Have a nice killing.
358
00:15:42,920 --> 00:15:44,400
-[enemy] Likewise. Bye.
-Bye.
359
00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:46,080
-[audience cheers]
-Good night!
360
00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:47,320
[lively music playing]
361
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:50,440
-[music fades]
-[piano music playing]
362
00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:53,120
I had a happy childhood.
I was a bit of a wanderer.
363
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:55,800
I'd roll my hoop
all the way to Canillejas.
364
00:15:55,880 --> 00:16:02,480
And I'd play tip-cat
from Chamartín to Carabanchel.
365
00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:06,240
But it was a happy and fun childhood.
366
00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:08,880
We kids spent all day outside.
367
00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:10,800
It was a lot of fun.
368
00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:12,200
[audience applauds]
369
00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:22,000
Don't clap too soon.
I haven't started. You might regret it.
370
00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:24,880
I'm here to talk about
the problem with young folks.
371
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:27,280
You'll say, "They just have one problem."
372
00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:30,360
Yes, I'm here to talk about
the housing problem.
373
00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:33,800
It's kind of an issue for us.
We young people, I mean.
374
00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:35,000
[audience chuckles]
375
00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:37,440
What's so funny?
Victoria, I heard you laughing.
376
00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:39,040
[Victoria laughs]
377
00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:44,040
Uh, it's true.
It's not that there are no apartments.
378
00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:46,480
There are, but it's just… [chuckles]
379
00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:48,200
Look, two Saturdays ago,
380
00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:51,120
a young friend of mine
invited me to lunch at his place.
381
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:54,720
Uh, yeah, I'm not young,
but I know some young folks.
382
00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:59,000
He said, "I moved. Come by and visit."
I said, "Great. Send me the location."
383
00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:03,360
He's like, "You don't need the location.
It's really easy to get here."
384
00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:07,120
"Take the Toledo highway,
go through Cuatro Vientos."
385
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:10,080
"Uh, you'll see a little square
with a streetlamp."
386
00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:14,080
"Go past it,
and in 200 meters, turn left."
387
00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:16,840
"Take the second right,
Obispo Nicólas Street."
388
00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:18,840
I said, "Okay." He said, "Keep going."
389
00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:22,520
"At the third traffic light,
after the bridge, turn left."
390
00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:24,400
"Drive for six or seven kilometers."
391
00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:27,320
"You'll see a square. Keep going."
392
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:31,480
"Uh, go past the railroad crossing,
and in 200 meters, you'll see an avenue."
393
00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:32,400
"Two, actually."
394
00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:34,920
"The one on the left goes to Cascajuelos."
395
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:38,200
"Don't take it. You won't be able
to turn around until Butrillo."
396
00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:39,800
"Take the one on the right."
397
00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:43,960
"After eight kilometers, there's a detour
that says 'Fresh Air Estate.'"
398
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:45,040
[audience laughs]
399
00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:50,400
"Keep going, and after two kilometers,
you'll see a restaurant called Hot Soup."
400
00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:53,080
"Don't get distracted.
Take the next right,
401
00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:54,320
and take the tunnel."
402
00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:58,160
"Go through the tunnel,
and you'll see two roads."
403
00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:00,560
"One to the hospital
and one to El Moñigal."
404
00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:02,680
"Head for El Moñigal."
405
00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:05,960
"Then you'll see some houses
with slate roof tiles."
406
00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:10,720
"Keep going. Take the first right,
the second left, and the roundabout."
407
00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:12,840
"Go right, U-turn, and the second left."
408
00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:15,680
"My house is the third one on the left."
409
00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:17,360
[audience cheers]
410
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:19,600
Um…
411
00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:24,040
"It's so peaceful out here."
412
00:18:24,120 --> 00:18:25,360
[audience laughs]
413
00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:26,280
He says to me…
414
00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:29,840
He goes, "You just can't live
in the city center anymore."
415
00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:31,600
He says…
416
00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:34,640
"Too much noise and pollution.
I moved to the outskirts."
417
00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:37,160
I said, "The outskirts of what? Portugal?"
418
00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:39,240
[audience laughs]
419
00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:40,680
It wasn't always like this.
420
00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:43,440
In our grandparents' time,
it was a different story.
421
00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:45,960
Apartments back then…
422
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:48,320
Any kind you wanted,
they'd throw them at you.
423
00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:51,520
You'd go out, they'd throw them at you.
You'd bring two home.
424
00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:54,360
Your popsicle stick would say,
"You won an apartment."
425
00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:57,200
"Again?" It'd wear you out, you know?
426
00:18:57,280 --> 00:18:59,560
"What do I do with it? Where do I put it?"
427
00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:01,160
These apartments were great.
428
00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:03,680
The one my grandparents lived in…
429
00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:07,800
It was like the part
of El Escorial Monastery
430
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:09,920
that Philip II didn't bother finishing.
431
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:13,480
My grandpa said, "Don't mind if I do."
The size of that house.
432
00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:14,560
It was wonderful.
433
00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:16,200
It had six bedrooms.
434
00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:18,120
Six of them.
435
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:20,400
And four double bathrooms.
436
00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:23,840
Bathrooms inside bathrooms,
like bars have.
437
00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:26,160
It was incredible. Two dining rooms.
438
00:19:26,240 --> 00:19:29,200
One for daily use
and one for celebrations.
439
00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:32,720
Two kitchens, so you could choose
where you'd do the dishes.
440
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:36,480
The living room had six balconies,
all facing the sea.
441
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:39,200
And this was in Madrid!
442
00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:40,280
[audience laughs]
443
00:19:40,360 --> 00:19:41,840
It was amazing.
444
00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:44,120
It was nuts how extravagant…
445
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:45,640
Balconies, hallways…
446
00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:49,040
In the middle of a hallway,
there was a shower inside a roundabout.
447
00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:50,320
Just nuts.
448
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:52,240
The house had three zip codes.
449
00:19:52,320 --> 00:19:53,240
[audience laughs]
450
00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:55,680
Naturally. Know how much they paid
every month?
451
00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:57,960
Well, paid every once in a while.
452
00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:00,920
In those days, you'd go to pay
and the landlord would say,
453
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:04,280
"Why argue? Buy the kids
something nice, and we'll call it even."
454
00:20:04,360 --> 00:20:05,760
"That'll do."
455
00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:08,720
Things are different these days.
456
00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:11,640
My cousin Laura
just moved out of her parents' house.
457
00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:13,920
Her rent isn't too bad.
458
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:15,080
She's paying,
459
00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:16,640
well, her whole salary.
460
00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:20,680
She doesn't even get the…
Her paycheck goes straight to rent.
461
00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:22,240
It bypasses her bank account.
462
00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:24,960
-[audience applauds]
-Why bother?
463
00:20:26,120 --> 00:20:26,960
No.
464
00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:30,680
They required one
of her vital organs. Just one!
465
00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:31,720
[audience chuckles]
466
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:34,920
As a deposit. They'll return it
if she doesn't wreck the place.
467
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:35,920
Not a problem.
468
00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:38,080
Not too bad.
469
00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:40,880
My cousin Laura's not doing too bad.
She's very lucky.
470
00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:43,680
Rent is pretty tricky. It's better to buy.
471
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:47,440
Nowadays, banks will just
give you a house if you want one.
472
00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:49,680
They just give it to you.
473
00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:53,080
Trust me, bankers are wonderful people.
474
00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:55,240
[audience laughs]
475
00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:56,360
They really are.
476
00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:57,720
[audience applauds]
477
00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:59,360
They're great. Mm.
478
00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:05,080
You ask, "Can I get a house?"
and they say, "Yes."
479
00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:09,440
Their heart is always in the right place.
480
00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:13,440
They're down in a sewer drain saying,
"Come, I'll give you a house. Come."
481
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:18,200
Sure, they have to ask you
for a small commission fee.
482
00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:21,400
Something like,
I don't know, 80%. It's not a lot.
483
00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:25,200
It's the thought that counts.
They don't ask for much.
484
00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:27,000
[audience applauds]
485
00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:30,200
Ah. Listen, what time is it?
486
00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:32,840
Ooh. That late? And today is Tuesday.
487
00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:35,840
I'm seeing my friend
in the outskirts on Saturday.
488
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:38,720
I need to go now to make it on time.
Thanks! Good night!
489
00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:39,920
It's been an honor.
490
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:42,440
[audience cheers]
491
00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:43,640
[upbeat music playing]
492
00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:47,800
I don't get why we're up here.
493
00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:50,560
We should be
with the other comics, representing.
494
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:52,160
Showing our faces.
495
00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:54,640
-Do I embarrass you?
-[whispering] Yes, you do.
496
00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:56,160
[audience cheers]
497
00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:03,880
How are you?
[clears throat] How's it going?
498
00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:05,760
All right?
499
00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:08,280
I'm traveling now. Ah, traveling.
500
00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:12,920
The worst part about traveling
is choosing how to get around.
501
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:16,120
You ask yourself,
"What's best? By car? Train?"
502
00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:18,680
Uh, "Bus? Plane?"
503
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:21,160
They all have their pros and cons.
504
00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:22,680
I love airplanes.
505
00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:25,160
They're clean, comfortable, fast.
506
00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:28,400
The pilots are elegant,
well-spoken people.
507
00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:29,400
Like politicians,
508
00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:30,520
but well-spoken.
509
00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:31,600
[audience laughs]
510
00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:33,080
Yes, I like airplanes.
511
00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:34,520
I like trains too.
512
00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:36,000
Trains, these days.
513
00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:39,360
I don't know
if you remember what they used to be like.
514
00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:41,400
The wooden seats were hard as a rock.
515
00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:43,520
Some would be missing boards.
516
00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:46,320
The hotel staff would ask,
"Anything to iron?"
517
00:22:46,400 --> 00:22:49,160
"Yes, I'd like to iron my butt
if possible, please."
518
00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:52,760
The worst thing
about traveling is jet lag.
519
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:55,280
It's like you took the wrong meds.
520
00:22:55,920 --> 00:23:00,200
You'll lose your phone and find yourself
looking for it ten minutes later,
521
00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:02,040
using the flashlight on your phone.
522
00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:04,320
[exclaims]
523
00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:06,560
Everything's backward.
524
00:23:06,640 --> 00:23:11,320
You'll arrive in Thailand at 8:00 a.m.,
which is midnight here in Spain.
525
00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:13,600
Someone's like, "It's a quarter to nine."
526
00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:15,840
You go, "Yes, but what year is it?"
527
00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:18,040
It's terrible. Everything's upside down.
528
00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:20,080
So, I'm traveling now.
529
00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:22,400
I'm in Africa,
530
00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:23,560
as you can see.
531
00:23:23,640 --> 00:23:24,920
[audience laughs]
532
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:28,440
In the jungle,
and I still haven't called my wife.
533
00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:30,040
I'll call her now.
534
00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:33,160
[imitates bird call]
535
00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:35,960
I'm setting the scene.
536
00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:38,080
[audience chuckles]
537
00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:40,080
[imitating jungle animal call]
538
00:23:40,160 --> 00:23:41,640
[audience laughs]
539
00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:47,040
Hello?
540
00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:49,520
Julita, I'm in--
541
00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:52,080
Yes, the jungle, in Africa.
542
00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:53,320
Yes, in the wild.
543
00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:58,400
We were in Algeciras, and your dad said,
"Why don't we go to Africa?"
544
00:23:58,480 --> 00:23:59,800
So, here we are.
545
00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:03,120
No, I'm calling
to ask you to bring me a compass.
546
00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:04,600
I don't have mine.
547
00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:08,080
I'm using my watch. When I want
to go south, it says it's 4:15.
548
00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:10,960
Yes. One more thing.
549
00:24:11,560 --> 00:24:13,120
See if you can bring me a tap.
550
00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:15,440
Yes. A cold water tap.
551
00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:19,800
No. It's not that they shut it off.
It's that there is none.
552
00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:22,240
There's a watering hole
with 20 wildebeest,
553
00:24:22,320 --> 00:24:23,720
but it looks kinda crowded.
554
00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:27,240
-[audience laughs]
-Yes. It's not too bad.
555
00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:29,360
Yesterday I killed a Leopoldo.
556
00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:32,680
A… I mean, a leopar-- A Leonardo.
557
00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:35,680
I even took a photo.
558
00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:38,520
Well, yeah, you have a point.
559
00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:42,800
[imitating Juan Carlos I] "I'm very sorry.
I made a mistake. It won't happen again."
560
00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:44,160
[audience applauds]
561
00:24:46,960 --> 00:24:47,800
[Arturo] Yes.
562
00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:52,280
Gila didn't say that part. That was…
563
00:24:52,360 --> 00:24:53,880
[audience laughs]
564
00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:58,440
Listen, your brother got his leg bit off
by a crocodile, and he's limping.
565
00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:00,760
Not the crocodile, your brother.
566
00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:06,120
He was using the binoculars backwards
and said, "Look at that. A lizard!"
567
00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:07,640
[Arturo and audience laugh]
568
00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:08,560
That guy.
569
00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:09,560
Yeah?
570
00:25:10,560 --> 00:25:12,920
Crocodiles are the ones
that look like your bag,
571
00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:15,080
but they've got teeth and no handles.
572
00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:16,760
-[audience laughs]
-Yeah.
573
00:25:16,840 --> 00:25:20,520
Listen, a gorilla took off with Julito.
574
00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:22,600
Tell his girlfriend not to wait for him.
575
00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:26,200
I don't know.
The gorilla's intentions were good.
576
00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:28,840
He seemed like a decent gorilla.
577
00:25:29,680 --> 00:25:32,880
Though I doubt Julito
will survive the wedding night.
578
00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:34,720
[audience laughs]
579
00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:37,400
Yeah. We also saw some vultures.
580
00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:40,160
Those huge, nasty birds
581
00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:42,560
with long necks and feathers.
582
00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:46,160
They look like your sister
when she dresses up for the opera.
583
00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:47,680
Anyway…
584
00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:50,160
Yes, it's dangerous out here.
585
00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:53,160
I saw a friend
who hunts lions the other day.
586
00:25:53,240 --> 00:25:54,600
He told me he almost died.
587
00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:56,360
He was looking for lions,
588
00:25:56,440 --> 00:25:59,320
lifted a branch, and a lion appeared.
589
00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:00,280
Right there.
590
00:26:00,360 --> 00:26:02,400
"What did it say?" The lion went…
591
00:26:02,480 --> 00:26:03,480
[blows raspberry]
592
00:26:04,280 --> 00:26:07,640
I said, "That's not a roar."
He goes, "It was facing the other way."
593
00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:09,840
[audience laughs, applauds]
594
00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:14,360
Well, that saved him.
595
00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:17,760
It saved him. Yes?
596
00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:21,320
No, in the end,
there's no place like home.
597
00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:23,880
Call me if anything comes up.
598
00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:26,560
All right, a big kiss. See you.
599
00:26:28,040 --> 00:26:29,720
[audience applauds]
600
00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:31,080
[upbeat music playing]
601
00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:39,040
I'm so happy to be here tonight
because I'm a huge Gila fan.
602
00:26:39,120 --> 00:26:40,160
-You are?
-Huge.
603
00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:42,000
What's your favorite bit of his?
604
00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:45,440
The one where he's like,
"You heard the one about…?" You know?
605
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:46,680
Dude, that's Eugenio.
606
00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:48,120
[audience cheering]
607
00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:50,720
Hi.
608
00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:53,680
-[coughs] Thank you.
-Thank you.
609
00:26:53,760 --> 00:26:55,000
[Róber] Thank you.
610
00:26:57,560 --> 00:26:58,680
How are you doing?
611
00:26:58,760 --> 00:27:01,640
Before we start,
I'm going to tell you a joke.
612
00:27:01,720 --> 00:27:04,000
-A joke?
-A joke I just heard.
613
00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:06,800
-A joke?
-About the fish and the doctor.
614
00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:08,440
-Have you heard it?
-No.
615
00:27:08,520 --> 00:27:13,120
So, there's this doctor
fishing by the river.
616
00:27:13,200 --> 00:27:16,960
[chuckling] And suddenly,
a fish pops up and says,
617
00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:20,840
"Doc, I need a prescription for worms."
618
00:27:20,920 --> 00:27:23,520
-It's awesome. Just awesome.
-[audience laughs]
619
00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:25,800
What a great joke.
620
00:27:26,800 --> 00:27:28,440
[Alberto] I don't…
621
00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:31,520
I'm sorry, but I don't get it.
622
00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:33,880
What do you mean? It's pretty obvious.
623
00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:36,240
You use worms to catch fish.
624
00:27:36,320 --> 00:27:39,720
So, the fish asks the doctor
for a prescription for worms.
625
00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:43,160
But I don't get the link between
fish caught with worms
626
00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:47,880
and the doctor prescribing something
for an intestinal ailment
627
00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:49,640
like having worms.
628
00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:51,640
-[audience laughs]
-Look, never mind.
629
00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:54,960
I just wanted to tell a joke
at a comedy show. I apologize.
630
00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:57,080
Maybe I went too far.
631
00:27:57,160 --> 00:28:00,680
I'm not gonna be pedantic,
but I'll explain it, okay?
632
00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:04,000
In Freud's Jokes and Their Relation
to the Unconscious,
633
00:28:04,080 --> 00:28:08,480
it says jokes are built upon
deviations from normal thought.
634
00:28:08,560 --> 00:28:10,200
Philosopher Thomas Vischer
635
00:28:11,080 --> 00:28:13,920
defines a joke as the ability
636
00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:17,160
to link, with surprising speed,
637
00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:20,040
several ideas that are,
in fact, unrelated,
638
00:28:20,120 --> 00:28:24,480
both in their internal content
and the nexus to which they belong.
639
00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:29,000
Well, then, first, I want to thank you
for not being pedantic.
640
00:28:29,080 --> 00:28:30,400
It's something I…
641
00:28:30,480 --> 00:28:31,920
[audience applauds]
642
00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:38,800
I really hate when people
get pedantic and lecture you.
643
00:28:38,880 --> 00:28:40,600
So, thanks for not doing that.
644
00:28:40,680 --> 00:28:47,000
And, second, maybe the joke doesn't fit
what Freud and Vischer propose.
645
00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:50,720
-No.
-And from a theoretical perspective,
646
00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:52,640
maybe the joke's not fucking funny.
647
00:28:52,720 --> 00:28:54,560
I'll also say that it's Gila's joke.
648
00:28:54,640 --> 00:28:58,480
Well, I guess Gila had off days too.
649
00:28:58,560 --> 00:29:00,280
-It's totally fine.
-I don't know.
650
00:29:00,360 --> 00:29:04,160
I don't know. I liked the joke.
But I guess I'm just weird.
651
00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:07,520
I guess my friends are right
when they say,
652
00:29:07,600 --> 00:29:08,840
"You're very weird."
653
00:29:08,920 --> 00:29:10,120
By friends…
654
00:29:11,360 --> 00:29:12,440
you mean just me?
655
00:29:12,520 --> 00:29:15,160
-Yes, you. The only friend I've got.
-[Alberto] Okay.
656
00:29:15,760 --> 00:29:17,640
But you are weird, Róber.
657
00:29:17,720 --> 00:29:19,240
You're weird, and you know it.
658
00:29:19,320 --> 00:29:22,760
I mean, I'm not saying
I don't have quirks, but everybody does.
659
00:29:22,840 --> 00:29:28,000
I admit that I get annoyed by some things
that don't bother most people.
660
00:29:28,080 --> 00:29:32,880
For example, getting short-changed.
That's something that annoys me.
661
00:29:32,960 --> 00:29:35,440
If I go for coffee
and give the waiter 20 euros,
662
00:29:35,520 --> 00:29:38,400
and he brings me change for 10,
that annoys me.
663
00:29:38,480 --> 00:29:40,000
Maybe if you paid with coins,
664
00:29:40,080 --> 00:29:43,960
he wouldn't need to run back and forth
for something that costs 1.50,
665
00:29:44,040 --> 00:29:46,440
and wouldn't rip you off.
But if you're a jerk…
666
00:29:46,520 --> 00:29:49,920
I know it's a pain in the ass
for the waiter to run back and forth
667
00:29:50,000 --> 00:29:52,600
three or four times for each coffee.
668
00:29:52,680 --> 00:29:56,360
In fact, out of politeness,
I take whatever change he leaves me
669
00:29:56,440 --> 00:29:57,760
and don't say a word.
670
00:29:57,840 --> 00:30:01,120
So, it's one thing to screw me over once.
Consider it a tip.
671
00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:04,840
-If it's every morning, it pisses me off.
-Yeah.
672
00:30:04,920 --> 00:30:07,080
I think I can be open about this with you.
673
00:30:07,160 --> 00:30:10,640
Just like I was pissed
at that junkie who mugged me with a knife.
674
00:30:10,720 --> 00:30:14,200
Were you expecting him
to mug you with a baguette or something?
675
00:30:14,280 --> 00:30:17,880
Look, I'm not objecting
to the junkie's MO.
676
00:30:17,960 --> 00:30:21,120
In fact, the MO was very effective.
677
00:30:21,720 --> 00:30:23,440
I'm objecting to him mugging me.
678
00:30:23,520 --> 00:30:27,120
What a lack of empathy toward
someone struggling with addiction,
679
00:30:27,200 --> 00:30:29,720
who has no choice but to mug people.
680
00:30:29,800 --> 00:30:32,480
Just shut up and give him what you've got.
681
00:30:32,560 --> 00:30:36,200
-Simple as that.
-I did. I gave him everything I had on me.
682
00:30:36,280 --> 00:30:38,200
I knew he had problems.
683
00:30:38,280 --> 00:30:41,480
But it annoys me that,
even though I gave him the money,
684
00:30:41,560 --> 00:30:43,280
he still stabbed me twice.
685
00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:47,920
I think that if you cough up the money,
you're not supposed to get stabbed.
686
00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:51,680
You're saying it
as if he'd killed you or something.
687
00:30:51,760 --> 00:30:54,280
You didn't even need stitches, Róber.
688
00:30:54,360 --> 00:30:56,920
You're making more money
telling us about it
689
00:30:57,000 --> 00:30:58,680
than he did by mugging you.
690
00:30:58,760 --> 00:30:59,600
Let's be honest.
691
00:30:59,680 --> 00:31:00,680
[audience applauds]
692
00:31:00,760 --> 00:31:01,920
-Come on, man.
-I guess.
693
00:31:02,640 --> 00:31:03,480
Róber…
694
00:31:06,160 --> 00:31:09,080
You got a great story out of it.
695
00:31:09,160 --> 00:31:12,720
Okay, I get it. I'm clearly the weird one.
696
00:31:12,800 --> 00:31:15,480
I'd like to say I'm not
and not get so annoyed.
697
00:31:15,560 --> 00:31:17,480
Like you. You never get stressed, man.
698
00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:21,040
Your girlfriend's cheated on you
tons of times, and you don't mind.
699
00:31:21,680 --> 00:31:26,480
It's called a polyamorous relationship.
It's about time you get with it.
700
00:31:26,560 --> 00:31:29,200
We've talked about this.
It's called polyamory.
701
00:31:30,120 --> 00:31:32,280
It's okay to be weird, but not backward.
702
00:31:32,360 --> 00:31:35,880
We can have casual relationships
with anyone we want,
703
00:31:35,960 --> 00:31:37,520
whenever we want, period.
704
00:31:37,600 --> 00:31:38,760
That's the agreement.
705
00:31:38,840 --> 00:31:41,280
But I'm taking it easy right now.
706
00:31:41,360 --> 00:31:42,520
I'm taking it easy.
707
00:31:42,600 --> 00:31:45,520
I'd rather watch TV shows
than go out every night
708
00:31:45,600 --> 00:31:47,640
and have sex with different people.
709
00:31:47,720 --> 00:31:50,800
But she's not into TV shows.
Whatever. That's fine.
710
00:31:55,200 --> 00:31:57,360
I don't know. I was cheated on once.
711
00:31:57,440 --> 00:31:59,000
It messed me up.
712
00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:00,440
I was angry.
713
00:32:00,520 --> 00:32:02,400
I still haven't gotten over it.
714
00:32:02,480 --> 00:32:05,920
I'm probably taking it out
on the poor waiter,
715
00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:08,000
the junkie, and the thieves.
716
00:32:08,080 --> 00:32:10,920
Well, man, it's okay.
You'll meet someone soon.
717
00:32:11,000 --> 00:32:12,160
Don't you worry.
718
00:32:12,240 --> 00:32:13,960
I haven't lost hope.
719
00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:17,480
I don't know, I guess
there are plenty of fish in the sea.
720
00:32:18,200 --> 00:32:21,160
Sure, but are you gonna have
a relationship with a fish?
721
00:32:21,240 --> 00:32:22,560
Or…?
722
00:32:22,640 --> 00:32:25,440
No, by "fish," I mean "people."
723
00:32:25,520 --> 00:32:28,200
So, there are plenty of people in the sea?
724
00:32:28,280 --> 00:32:30,040
I mean, I'm sure there's a few,
725
00:32:30,120 --> 00:32:33,680
but it seems weird
to meet people in the sea.
726
00:32:35,080 --> 00:32:35,920
I don't know.
727
00:32:36,440 --> 00:32:39,840
Besides, you don't look good
in a swimsuit. It's weird, man.
728
00:32:39,920 --> 00:32:42,640
-And… I don't know…
-[audience applauds]
729
00:32:42,720 --> 00:32:44,680
What sea are we talking about?
730
00:32:44,760 --> 00:32:48,160
Is it the Red Sea?
The Black Sea? What sea is it?
731
00:32:48,240 --> 00:32:51,120
By "the sea,"
I mean out there. In the street, in bars.
732
00:32:51,200 --> 00:32:53,200
There are plenty of people out there.
733
00:32:54,200 --> 00:32:58,160
Sorry for not understanding
the way you speak.
734
00:32:58,240 --> 00:33:01,160
It'd be nice
if you didn't take everything literally.
735
00:33:01,240 --> 00:33:04,120
What is that? Fish are people.
736
00:33:04,200 --> 00:33:07,080
-And the sea is the street.
-[Róber] Yeah.
737
00:33:08,120 --> 00:33:10,160
So, the fish joke
738
00:33:11,040 --> 00:33:12,360
is about a person
739
00:33:12,880 --> 00:33:15,680
who's not in the sea but in the street.
740
00:33:16,520 --> 00:33:19,880
In that case, it makes sense
for the fish to ask the doctor
741
00:33:19,960 --> 00:33:25,160
for a prescription for worms.
I guess that makes sense.
742
00:33:25,240 --> 00:33:26,120
[audience cheers]
743
00:33:26,200 --> 00:33:27,480
-Sure.
-[Róber] Yes.
744
00:33:27,560 --> 00:33:30,000
Yeah. Yes. That was the joke.
745
00:33:30,080 --> 00:33:33,440
The funny part
is that everything makes sense.
746
00:33:33,520 --> 00:33:35,720
-[Alberto] Okay.
-That's what Gila was doing.
747
00:33:35,800 --> 00:33:39,280
Telling very reasonable stories
that lacked any humor.
748
00:33:39,360 --> 00:33:42,200
So that 20 years later,
we'd all gather here
749
00:33:42,280 --> 00:33:45,240
to listen to his dullest stories.
750
00:33:45,320 --> 00:33:46,920
That's what people want.
751
00:33:47,000 --> 00:33:50,720
To spend money
to listen to dull and boring stuff.
752
00:33:50,800 --> 00:33:52,240
Gila's boring stuff.
753
00:33:52,840 --> 00:33:54,840
And I'm the weird one? Come on!
754
00:33:54,920 --> 00:33:55,760
Go to hell.
755
00:33:55,840 --> 00:33:57,920
-[audience laughs]
-[Robér] Thank you.
756
00:33:58,000 --> 00:33:59,160
[audience cheers]
757
00:34:01,760 --> 00:34:04,480
People always say to me,
"You're really weird."
758
00:34:04,560 --> 00:34:07,920
Sorry. It's called having a personality.
Maybe you don't have one.
759
00:34:08,000 --> 00:34:11,040
BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PERSONALITY
760
00:34:11,120 --> 00:34:13,720
Do I think I'm weird?
I've always been different.
761
00:34:13,800 --> 00:34:16,840
At school, in my neighborhood…
762
00:34:16,920 --> 00:34:18,280
In college. Just different.
763
00:34:18,360 --> 00:34:21,360
BASIC DISTINCT
764
00:34:21,440 --> 00:34:23,160
I'm not into soccer.
765
00:34:23,240 --> 00:34:24,480
I don't watch TV,
766
00:34:24,560 --> 00:34:28,880
but I'm into things like films,
fashion, and urban music.
767
00:34:28,960 --> 00:34:30,320
Not typical stuff.
768
00:34:30,400 --> 00:34:33,440
HE'S PART OF THE OTHER 50%
769
00:34:33,520 --> 00:34:35,800
I don't see myself in a conventional job.
770
00:34:35,880 --> 00:34:39,160
A nine-to-five office gig.
Carrying my lunch box on the subway.
771
00:34:39,240 --> 00:34:40,080
I'm a free guy.
772
00:34:40,160 --> 00:34:43,000
HAS RICH PARENTS
773
00:34:43,080 --> 00:34:46,160
I'm drinking kombucha.
Do you know what kombucha is?
774
00:34:46,240 --> 00:34:49,280
Have you tried it?
Kombucha is the only thing I drink.
775
00:34:49,360 --> 00:34:52,360
HE GETS IT: ANYWHERE
776
00:34:52,440 --> 00:34:54,800
Seitan sandwich because I'm a flexitarian.
777
00:34:54,880 --> 00:34:57,760
It's like being a vegan
but you can eat animal products.
778
00:34:57,840 --> 00:34:59,320
This has eggs and cheese.
779
00:34:59,400 --> 00:35:02,480
WHAT A PAIR
780
00:35:02,560 --> 00:35:04,880
Wear this in my hometown? No way.
781
00:35:04,960 --> 00:35:10,200
WEIRDO + WEIRDO
782
00:35:10,280 --> 00:35:12,080
ORDINARY
783
00:35:12,160 --> 00:35:15,240
I started wearing these shirts
before they were cool.
784
00:35:15,320 --> 00:35:17,200
[audience cheers]
785
00:35:17,280 --> 00:35:18,360
What's up?
786
00:35:21,760 --> 00:35:24,200
Hello. How are you doing?
787
00:35:24,960 --> 00:35:25,880
How's it going?
788
00:35:26,680 --> 00:35:29,320
-I'm gonna do a little stand-up.
-[audience chuckles]
789
00:35:29,400 --> 00:35:32,960
But excuse me.
I have to make a call first.
790
00:35:33,560 --> 00:35:34,680
It'll only be a sec.
791
00:35:35,360 --> 00:35:36,840
Just a moment.
792
00:35:36,920 --> 00:35:42,840
Let's see. Contacts.
"Ch, ch, chu, chur, chur, church."
793
00:35:42,920 --> 00:35:44,520
"Church…" I've got a few.
794
00:35:44,600 --> 00:35:48,720
"Of Saint, Saint Bene, Saint Bene…
Saint Benedict." That's the one.
795
00:35:48,800 --> 00:35:50,600
[scattered chuckles in audience]
796
00:35:52,080 --> 00:35:54,720
Hi. Hello. Is this
the church of Saint Benedict?
797
00:35:55,240 --> 00:35:57,440
Put Saint Benedict on. I mean, the priest.
798
00:35:58,320 --> 00:35:59,680
I'm from the congregation.
799
00:36:00,960 --> 00:36:01,800
Thank you.
800
00:36:04,360 --> 00:36:06,200
Father Faustino. How are you?
801
00:36:06,280 --> 00:36:07,440
It's me, Joaquín.
802
00:36:07,520 --> 00:36:09,720
I'm calling to find out
how much you charge,
803
00:36:09,800 --> 00:36:12,000
in pesetas, to officiate a wedding.
804
00:36:13,720 --> 00:36:15,600
Man and woman. An old-school wedding.
805
00:36:17,840 --> 00:36:21,360
No, it's not for me. It's for my cousin.
806
00:36:21,440 --> 00:36:24,040
He wants to marry an American woman.
807
00:36:24,120 --> 00:36:26,960
Heather. That's her name.
My cousin's name is Federico.
808
00:36:28,280 --> 00:36:29,200
Yes.
809
00:36:30,840 --> 00:36:32,160
That's outrageous.
810
00:36:32,880 --> 00:36:34,600
No, that's a lot of money.
811
00:36:34,680 --> 00:36:37,800
We weren't planning a budget wedding,
but something mid-range.
812
00:36:38,760 --> 00:36:39,920
No, that's…
813
00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:42,680
What? That's a fortune.
814
00:36:43,440 --> 00:36:46,800
For starters, you're putting down
a carpet from the door to the car.
815
00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:51,440
I think what we can do is
park at the door and put a doormat down.
816
00:36:51,520 --> 00:36:52,560
[audience laughs]
817
00:36:52,640 --> 00:36:54,880
That way, the floor won't get dirty.
818
00:36:56,320 --> 00:36:57,760
What else can we do?
819
00:36:57,840 --> 00:36:59,280
No, the choir can go too.
820
00:37:00,240 --> 00:37:01,440
No choir.
821
00:37:02,200 --> 00:37:04,240
We'll play a C. Tangana song instead.
822
00:37:04,320 --> 00:37:05,720
[audience laughs]
823
00:37:05,800 --> 00:37:06,640
Yes.
824
00:37:06,720 --> 00:37:07,720
[audience applauds]
825
00:37:10,760 --> 00:37:13,760
Yes. Hold on.
Don't clap. I can't hear him.
826
00:37:13,840 --> 00:37:15,160
[audience laughs]
827
00:37:15,680 --> 00:37:17,360
Any of them. They're all great.
828
00:37:18,240 --> 00:37:19,400
[audience chuckles]
829
00:37:20,720 --> 00:37:23,920
[splutters] Yeah, that one,
Father Faustino. That's a good one.
830
00:37:24,000 --> 00:37:26,080
-♪ I was an atheist ♪
-[audience laughs]
831
00:37:26,160 --> 00:37:27,760
♪ But now I'm a believer ♪
832
00:37:27,840 --> 00:37:30,360
♪ Because a miracle like you ♪
833
00:37:30,440 --> 00:37:32,360
Ah. All right.
834
00:37:32,440 --> 00:37:33,480
The only thing is
835
00:37:34,160 --> 00:37:37,600
my cousin says
that even though it's a simple wedding,
836
00:37:37,680 --> 00:37:40,000
he wants the marriage
to last at least 6 years.
837
00:37:40,080 --> 00:37:41,000
[audience laughs]
838
00:37:41,080 --> 00:37:44,320
No, no, no.
Don't get me started, Father Faustino.
839
00:37:44,400 --> 00:37:47,960
You did my brother Ernesto's wedding
and said, "Till death do you part,"
840
00:37:48,040 --> 00:37:50,480
and a life coach split them up.
841
00:37:50,560 --> 00:37:52,520
[audience laughs]
842
00:37:52,600 --> 00:37:53,480
One more thing.
843
00:37:53,560 --> 00:37:56,440
Yes. Does my cousin
have to bring his own bride…
844
00:37:56,520 --> 00:37:57,680
[audience laughs]
845
00:37:57,760 --> 00:37:59,880
…or can you provide one?
846
00:37:59,960 --> 00:38:02,560
No, it's just that the girl
is kind of plain.
847
00:38:02,640 --> 00:38:04,320
Do you maybe have a prettier one?
848
00:38:05,360 --> 00:38:06,760
Is my cousin handsome?
849
00:38:06,840 --> 00:38:08,880
He's uglier than the back end of a bus.
850
00:38:10,120 --> 00:38:11,880
They're not a great-looking couple.
851
00:38:13,000 --> 00:38:14,320
No, not your girlfriend.
852
00:38:14,400 --> 00:38:16,960
I meant a spare bride.
Since so many get cold feet.
853
00:38:17,920 --> 00:38:19,160
All right, then. Okay.
854
00:38:19,680 --> 00:38:23,120
We'll bring the godparents,
and you'll provide the altar boys.
855
00:38:23,200 --> 00:38:24,240
Great. Okay.
856
00:38:25,560 --> 00:38:28,440
-Are you open on Sundays?
-[audience laughs]
857
00:38:28,520 --> 00:38:30,680
They work during the week.
858
00:38:31,200 --> 00:38:32,560
Well, I think that's it.
859
00:38:33,480 --> 00:38:37,880
Okay. I'll let you know two days before
so you're not caught off guard.
860
00:38:37,960 --> 00:38:39,480
Okay, Father Faustino.
861
00:38:39,560 --> 00:38:42,400
Okay, sure.
When am I getting married? [laughs]
862
00:38:42,480 --> 00:38:45,600
I live with my partner,
but I'm thinking about getting married.
863
00:38:45,680 --> 00:38:48,560
This whole "partner" thing
makes us sound like we're cops.
864
00:38:48,640 --> 00:38:50,240
[chuckles] Right.
865
00:38:50,320 --> 00:38:52,960
Bye, Father Faustino. Goodbye.
866
00:38:53,840 --> 00:38:55,720
-Anyway…
-[audience applauds]
867
00:38:56,600 --> 00:38:57,440
Forgive me.
868
00:38:59,880 --> 00:39:01,160
I had to make that call.
869
00:39:02,880 --> 00:39:05,320
Weddings, what a great invention.
870
00:39:05,400 --> 00:39:08,600
Inventions are really something.
My grandpa was an inventor.
871
00:39:08,680 --> 00:39:10,640
He invented a mug.
872
00:39:10,720 --> 00:39:13,800
He put the handle on the left
and called it a left-handed mug.
873
00:39:15,240 --> 00:39:17,200
That wasn't the only thing he invented.
874
00:39:17,280 --> 00:39:20,240
He also invented the poor man's colander.
875
00:39:20,320 --> 00:39:23,760
With no holes, so they could keep
the broth and dunk bread in it.
876
00:39:24,880 --> 00:39:27,120
Everyone in the neighborhood loved him.
877
00:39:27,200 --> 00:39:29,720
So many people attended his funeral
878
00:39:29,800 --> 00:39:31,520
that we had to bury him six times.
879
00:39:31,600 --> 00:39:32,680
[audience laughs]
880
00:39:32,760 --> 00:39:34,360
People chanted, "Encore!" so…
881
00:39:34,440 --> 00:39:35,440
[audience laughs]
882
00:39:35,520 --> 00:39:36,720
And we… [chuckles] Yeah.
883
00:39:36,800 --> 00:39:37,960
[audience applauds]
884
00:39:41,800 --> 00:39:45,960
We'd take him out, put him back in.
It was like baking a cake.
885
00:39:46,640 --> 00:39:50,360
We'd bury him, and a neighbor would say,
"I haven't seen him," and out he'd come.
886
00:39:50,440 --> 00:39:51,640
[audience laughs]
887
00:39:51,720 --> 00:39:53,240
My grandpa was older than me.
888
00:39:53,320 --> 00:39:55,400
[audience chuckles]
889
00:39:55,480 --> 00:39:58,360
But I was the one who gave him advice.
890
00:39:59,720 --> 00:40:03,600
"Grandpa, enough with the inventions.
We already have Asians for that."
891
00:40:03,680 --> 00:40:06,880
Asians have some incredible inventions.
892
00:40:06,960 --> 00:40:10,160
For example, Japanese inventions.
893
00:40:10,240 --> 00:40:12,080
They have inventions for everything.
894
00:40:12,160 --> 00:40:13,000
For instance,
895
00:40:14,440 --> 00:40:16,000
think about this.
896
00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:20,400
When you go to the bathroom,
don't you like a warm toilet seat?
897
00:40:21,000 --> 00:40:21,920
Serious question.
898
00:40:22,720 --> 00:40:25,040
-[audience chuckles]
-[Joaquín laughs]
899
00:40:25,120 --> 00:40:26,480
One person here says yes.
900
00:40:26,560 --> 00:40:28,200
Well, the Japanese…
901
00:40:28,280 --> 00:40:29,280
[audience laughs]
902
00:40:29,360 --> 00:40:33,200
…invented a device
that automatically heats the toilet seat.
903
00:40:33,280 --> 00:40:35,240
I went to Tokyo a few years ago,
904
00:40:35,320 --> 00:40:37,640
and you can't imagine
the toilets in Japan.
905
00:40:37,720 --> 00:40:40,240
The number of things they have.
906
00:40:40,320 --> 00:40:41,960
There's a button you press,
907
00:40:42,040 --> 00:40:44,440
and it squirts water
straight at your butthole.
908
00:40:44,960 --> 00:40:45,800
The pooper.
909
00:40:45,880 --> 00:40:49,360
Asian and Caucasian buttholes
are in the same place.
910
00:40:49,440 --> 00:40:50,480
[audience laughs]
911
00:40:50,560 --> 00:40:52,080
Same coordinates. I promise.
912
00:40:52,160 --> 00:40:53,360
[audience applauds]
913
00:40:57,760 --> 00:41:00,880
You may think
Asians are short downstairs. Not true.
914
00:41:00,960 --> 00:41:02,280
[audience laughs]
915
00:41:02,360 --> 00:41:05,720
The plugs and sockets are different,
but buttholes are universal.
916
00:41:06,640 --> 00:41:09,760
I tried out this invention.
917
00:41:09,840 --> 00:41:12,920
"What does this button do?"
I pressed it and went, "Ooh. Ah."
918
00:41:13,600 --> 00:41:16,480
It was a treat. Finish and get a squirt.
919
00:41:16,560 --> 00:41:18,640
[audience laughs]
920
00:41:19,280 --> 00:41:24,440
The Japanese have also been working
on an orthopedic leg
921
00:41:24,520 --> 00:41:26,160
that you program on a computer.
922
00:41:26,240 --> 00:41:29,240
Just like a day planner.
"Monday, go to the doctor."
923
00:41:29,320 --> 00:41:31,560
"Tuesday, do my taxes."
924
00:41:32,080 --> 00:41:35,360
"Wednesday, dinner out."
Put the leg on, and it takes you there.
925
00:41:35,440 --> 00:41:36,800
[audience laughs]
926
00:41:37,320 --> 00:41:39,440
Those Japanese.
But what about the Chinese?
927
00:41:39,520 --> 00:41:40,880
Don't forget the Chinese.
928
00:41:40,960 --> 00:41:44,800
They've invented amazing things.
Like gunpowder and rice.
929
00:41:44,880 --> 00:41:47,040
Sounds like a perfect weekend
for a Valencian.
930
00:41:47,120 --> 00:41:49,240
Thanks a lot!
931
00:41:49,320 --> 00:41:51,080
God bless you. Thank you.
932
00:41:51,600 --> 00:41:52,880
[energetic music playing]
933
00:41:57,280 --> 00:41:59,320
-He doesn't have an Ondas Award.
-Nope.
934
00:41:59,400 --> 00:42:02,400
-Neither does he.
-No.
935
00:42:02,480 --> 00:42:04,760
-She doesn't either.
-No.
936
00:42:04,840 --> 00:42:07,080
-This guy…
-No, and he's hideous too.
937
00:42:07,160 --> 00:42:08,560
-Right?
-Terrible.
938
00:42:08,640 --> 00:42:11,280
We can't hang out with people
who don't have Ondases.
939
00:42:11,360 --> 00:42:14,640
Now that we have one,
we should associate with other people.
940
00:42:14,720 --> 00:42:17,040
Know what they have that we don't, Cárol?
941
00:42:17,120 --> 00:42:17,960
Money.
942
00:42:20,040 --> 00:42:21,320
That's not contagious.
943
00:42:21,400 --> 00:42:23,640
-[piano music playing]
-I went to a Catholic school.
944
00:42:23,720 --> 00:42:25,200
You learn all those things
945
00:42:25,280 --> 00:42:28,960
they teach in schools so you can do
crossword puzzles when you're older.
946
00:42:30,040 --> 00:42:32,760
Rivers, mountains,
the Pythagorean theorem.
947
00:42:32,840 --> 00:42:36,560
But I wrote a bunch of things
because I wanted, in some way,
948
00:42:37,080 --> 00:42:41,160
to pay homage to my childhood friends
949
00:42:41,680 --> 00:42:47,160
who weren't as lucky as I was
to have become famous
950
00:42:47,880 --> 00:42:51,000
but who were very important to me
all throughout my childhood.
951
00:42:51,720 --> 00:42:53,560
[audience cheers and applauds]
952
00:42:53,640 --> 00:42:54,640
Hi. How are you?
953
00:42:58,000 --> 00:42:59,400
You'll have to excuse me.
954
00:43:00,280 --> 00:43:04,200
I have to make a call…
[scoffs] …and I'm a millennial.
955
00:43:04,280 --> 00:43:06,800
I've never seen a landline before.
I'm stoked.
956
00:43:06,880 --> 00:43:08,800
What a cute wire. Funny, isn't it?
957
00:43:09,320 --> 00:43:12,960
Reminds me of my cat's harness.
It keeps him from climbing onto the roof.
958
00:43:13,480 --> 00:43:15,120
I'm kidding. I don't have a cat.
959
00:43:15,200 --> 00:43:17,840
My daughter wears a harness,
but that sounds worse.
960
00:43:18,360 --> 00:43:21,080
She thinks the house is a climbing gym.
Come on!
961
00:43:21,160 --> 00:43:23,760
No way.
Speaking of my house, it's a disaster.
962
00:43:24,320 --> 00:43:25,800
You know? I'm
963
00:43:26,960 --> 00:43:27,960
a single mom.
964
00:43:28,920 --> 00:43:31,200
My house is a mess. It's awful.
965
00:43:31,800 --> 00:43:33,440
[takes a deep breath] Let's see…
966
00:43:35,000 --> 00:43:36,440
The monthly daycare bill.
967
00:43:36,520 --> 00:43:38,760
[audience cheers and applauds]
968
00:43:38,840 --> 00:43:39,680
Outrageous!
969
00:43:42,320 --> 00:43:43,480
It's shameful.
970
00:43:44,880 --> 00:43:48,880
These days, kids do everything
at an earlier age. It's amazing.
971
00:43:49,400 --> 00:43:52,080
[in English] Hello? Hello?
972
00:43:52,160 --> 00:43:55,560
[in Spanish] Yes. No Brexit
in the Sky Bilingual Daycare Center?
973
00:43:55,640 --> 00:43:57,320
[audience laughs]
974
00:43:57,400 --> 00:44:01,120
I don't want my daughter to be like me.
I can't speak a word of English.
975
00:44:01,200 --> 00:44:02,200
Apart from "potato."
976
00:44:02,280 --> 00:44:03,880
[audience laughs]
977
00:44:03,960 --> 00:44:05,520
Yes, listen.
978
00:44:05,600 --> 00:44:08,120
My daughter brought me
the daycare center bill,
979
00:44:08,200 --> 00:44:11,760
and I'm wondering if there was
some mix-up with the diaper charges.
980
00:44:12,280 --> 00:44:13,840
I mean, she's got constipation!
981
00:44:14,880 --> 00:44:16,880
Right. You think so?
982
00:44:16,960 --> 00:44:20,800
I don't get why it says here,
"Boarding school, 1,000 euros."
983
00:44:20,880 --> 00:44:23,160
Is that for the school or the TV show?
984
00:44:23,680 --> 00:44:24,760
[audience laughs]
985
00:44:24,840 --> 00:44:26,680
Sure. Well, yes.
986
00:44:27,200 --> 00:44:30,520
"Relaxing yoga, 70 euros."
987
00:44:30,600 --> 00:44:31,800
Who's this yogi?
988
00:44:33,160 --> 00:44:34,960
Ah. Can't you get Boo-Boo instead?
989
00:44:35,840 --> 00:44:38,600
Oh, you can't?
Then put YouTube videos on for her.
990
00:44:38,680 --> 00:44:40,720
I let her watch them all day to relax.
991
00:44:40,800 --> 00:44:43,680
Yeah. She doesn't say "bread" now.
She says "yuca."
992
00:44:43,760 --> 00:44:45,880
[audience laughs]
993
00:44:45,960 --> 00:44:48,040
Look, there's something I don't get.
994
00:44:48,120 --> 00:44:50,280
It says "Valencian classes, 100 euros."
995
00:44:51,160 --> 00:44:52,520
I don't agree with this.
996
00:44:52,600 --> 00:44:56,000
No. She's insulting my paella now.
997
00:44:56,600 --> 00:45:00,000
But the worst thing is
she's calling me "nano," instead of "Mom."
998
00:45:00,080 --> 00:45:01,760
"Nano, nano…"
999
00:45:02,760 --> 00:45:03,600
Great.
1000
00:45:04,240 --> 00:45:08,800
Here's one thing I don't understand.
"Playground wear and tear."
1001
00:45:08,880 --> 00:45:11,640
Is she made out of sandpaper
and eroding the playground?
1002
00:45:12,160 --> 00:45:14,120
Why don't we go fifty-fifty on it?
1003
00:45:14,200 --> 00:45:16,920
Because, I mean… I don't know…
1004
00:45:17,000 --> 00:45:20,120
The playground wears away
at my daughter too. Don't you think?
1005
00:45:20,640 --> 00:45:22,200
Oh, sure.
1006
00:45:22,920 --> 00:45:26,320
There's more.
"Medical checkup, 100 euros."
1007
00:45:26,400 --> 00:45:28,840
Who was it for? My daughter or Mbappé?
1008
00:45:28,920 --> 00:45:29,960
[audience laughs]
1009
00:45:30,040 --> 00:45:34,320
By the way, my daughter told me
she's teaching science classes.
1010
00:45:34,400 --> 00:45:35,600
She has to teach them.
1011
00:45:36,120 --> 00:45:37,720
It's part of the what method?
1012
00:45:38,240 --> 00:45:40,640
The Montessori method? Isn't that a movie?
1013
00:45:40,720 --> 00:45:42,360
[audience laughs]
1014
00:45:42,440 --> 00:45:44,560
You don't charge
for these classes, do you?
1015
00:45:45,240 --> 00:45:46,640
Oh,
1016
00:45:47,600 --> 00:45:50,760
so it's a modern teaching method. I see.
1017
00:45:51,960 --> 00:45:53,840
In China, they call that child labor.
1018
00:45:53,920 --> 00:45:55,480
[audience laughs]
1019
00:45:56,000 --> 00:45:59,440
I'll tell her she should quit studying
and become a YouTuber. Done.
1020
00:45:59,520 --> 00:46:00,920
She'll stay home. Why not?
1021
00:46:01,000 --> 00:46:04,600
Soon, you'll have her fixing
the gym because Monte Cristo says so.
1022
00:46:04,680 --> 00:46:08,240
She can't even speak right.
What are you teaching them there?
1023
00:46:08,320 --> 00:46:12,200
She asked me, "Mom,
do you write 'high' with an H or not?"
1024
00:46:12,280 --> 00:46:14,600
"Of course you do.
Otherwise, it'd be 'ig.'"
1025
00:46:16,520 --> 00:46:18,280
-Seriously.
-[audience cheers]
1026
00:46:18,360 --> 00:46:19,200
You're…
1027
00:46:20,200 --> 00:46:21,800
You're not teaching her!
1028
00:46:21,880 --> 00:46:22,760
What's that?
1029
00:46:23,240 --> 00:46:26,040
[in English] Hello? Hello?
1030
00:46:26,120 --> 00:46:28,120
[in Spanish] They hung up. Screw them.
1031
00:46:28,200 --> 00:46:29,280
[in English] Bye-bye.
1032
00:46:30,120 --> 00:46:31,280
[in Spanish] Thank you.
1033
00:46:31,360 --> 00:46:34,440
-[audience applauds]
-[energetic music playing]
1034
00:46:34,520 --> 00:46:36,000
In all my monologues…
1035
00:46:36,080 --> 00:46:37,400
[piano music playing]
1036
00:46:37,480 --> 00:46:41,040
…absurd or not,
I try to say something that…
1037
00:46:42,240 --> 00:46:44,680
that has some purpose.
1038
00:46:44,760 --> 00:46:49,800
It's not just absurd.
It also has a touch of criticism or irony.
1039
00:46:49,880 --> 00:46:51,280
[audience applauds]
1040
00:46:51,360 --> 00:46:52,280
Thank you.
1041
00:46:52,360 --> 00:46:57,160
I can't believe this. This special
features nine men and only four women.
1042
00:46:57,960 --> 00:47:00,640
-There are ten men.
-No.
1043
00:47:00,720 --> 00:47:01,720
That's Quequé.
1044
00:47:01,800 --> 00:47:02,880
[audience applauds]
1045
00:47:02,960 --> 00:47:04,000
Good evening.
1046
00:47:06,360 --> 00:47:09,120
Allow me to make a very important call.
1047
00:47:10,280 --> 00:47:13,080
We've got a real mess
on our hands with the war. My God.
1048
00:47:13,160 --> 00:47:14,480
[audience laughs]
1049
00:47:14,560 --> 00:47:15,960
I have to do everything.
1050
00:47:17,120 --> 00:47:21,160
I have a general
who bought some binoculars.
1051
00:47:21,240 --> 00:47:23,240
And all day, he's like, "Check her out!"
1052
00:47:23,320 --> 00:47:24,440
[audience chuckles]
1053
00:47:24,520 --> 00:47:27,080
Stop peeping at balconies
and look at the trenches.
1054
00:47:28,520 --> 00:47:29,560
Oh well.
1055
00:47:29,640 --> 00:47:33,400
When it comes to getting medals,
he wants them all for himself.
1056
00:47:33,480 --> 00:47:35,840
"Give me that one.
That one too. The round one."
1057
00:47:35,920 --> 00:47:37,680
"Not that one. I already got that."
1058
00:47:38,680 --> 00:47:40,040
I've got a medal too.
1059
00:47:41,040 --> 00:47:42,200
A priest gave it to me.
1060
00:47:43,440 --> 00:47:46,960
I asked, "Can I have a medal?"
He felt sorry for me and gave me one.
1061
00:47:48,120 --> 00:47:49,320
It's from Saint Anthony.
1062
00:47:49,400 --> 00:47:50,560
[audience chuckles]
1063
00:47:50,640 --> 00:47:51,920
He signed the back.
1064
00:47:52,000 --> 00:47:54,040
[audience laughs]
1065
00:47:54,120 --> 00:47:57,240
It says, "To Héctor,
from your friend Saint Anthony. Big hug."
1066
00:47:57,320 --> 00:47:58,880
[audience applauds]
1067
00:48:02,960 --> 00:48:07,600
Hey. I deserve the medals.
I absolutely love war. I do.
1068
00:48:07,680 --> 00:48:10,040
Not to brag, but I kill…
1069
00:48:11,480 --> 00:48:12,840
Boy, do I kill. Pfft.
1070
00:48:13,480 --> 00:48:16,160
Just the other day, I shot an enemy. Pow!
1071
00:48:16,680 --> 00:48:18,800
He was like, "You shot me." I said, "Duh."
1072
00:48:18,880 --> 00:48:20,840
[audience laughs]
1073
00:48:20,920 --> 00:48:22,440
"What did you expect, a kiss?"
1074
00:48:23,320 --> 00:48:25,840
"You put a hole in me."
"Well, stick a cork in it."
1075
00:48:26,560 --> 00:48:29,720
"I need it for my canteen."
I'm like, "Shut up and die already."
1076
00:48:30,320 --> 00:48:32,040
"I'm trying to advance."
1077
00:48:32,800 --> 00:48:36,000
If the colonel sees me
talking to the enemy, I'm screwed.
1078
00:48:36,680 --> 00:48:38,400
My colonel's got some temper.
1079
00:48:38,480 --> 00:48:40,560
But he's a good guy.
1080
00:48:41,480 --> 00:48:43,440
The other day, we were in a firefight.
1081
00:48:43,520 --> 00:48:46,080
An old lady went to cross.
He said, "Stop firing."
1082
00:48:46,600 --> 00:48:49,200
We didn't shoot
until she finished crossing.
1083
00:48:49,280 --> 00:48:50,360
[audience laughs]
1084
00:48:50,440 --> 00:48:53,200
I love war. I really do.
1085
00:48:53,280 --> 00:48:55,600
The worst part for me is going home.
1086
00:48:56,760 --> 00:48:58,320
My wife and I argue like crazy.
1087
00:48:59,240 --> 00:49:02,160
As soon as I get home,
it's, "Look at you, all dirty."
1088
00:49:02,240 --> 00:49:03,400
[audience laughs]
1089
00:49:03,480 --> 00:49:06,720
"You went off looking like a million bucks
and came back filthy."
1090
00:49:07,360 --> 00:49:10,880
"We have to crawl through mud."
She says, "Then put newspapers down!"
1091
00:49:10,960 --> 00:49:12,680
[audience applauds]
1092
00:49:16,520 --> 00:49:17,560
Anyway…
1093
00:49:18,760 --> 00:49:21,560
I've got this cross-eyed lieutenant
who makes my day.
1094
00:49:23,240 --> 00:49:25,080
He says, "I take aim and don't miss."
1095
00:49:25,160 --> 00:49:27,720
Everyone's like,
"Careful which eye he uses to aim."
1096
00:49:27,800 --> 00:49:28,680
[audience laughs]
1097
00:49:28,760 --> 00:49:31,120
[applause]
1098
00:49:33,600 --> 00:49:38,080
War has a bad reputation,
but it has good and bad points.
1099
00:49:38,160 --> 00:49:41,760
I wasn't always a soldier.
I've had other jobs too.
1100
00:49:41,840 --> 00:49:46,360
I was once an apprentice thief
in a gang of thieves.
1101
00:49:47,000 --> 00:49:48,840
I had to quit because I got sick.
1102
00:49:49,360 --> 00:49:51,240
I was returning everything I stole.
1103
00:49:51,320 --> 00:49:52,400
[audience laughs]
1104
00:49:53,200 --> 00:49:55,360
Then I said, "I'm going to London."
1105
00:49:55,440 --> 00:49:58,320
I went to London and joined Scotland Yard.
1106
00:49:59,480 --> 00:50:00,640
You know Scotland Yard?
1107
00:50:00,720 --> 00:50:01,560
Damn!
1108
00:50:02,280 --> 00:50:05,160
You know Jack the Ripper,
the serial killer?
1109
00:50:06,080 --> 00:50:07,040
I caught him.
1110
00:50:07,120 --> 00:50:08,440
[audience laughs]
1111
00:50:08,520 --> 00:50:10,560
That's right, Jack the Ripper.
1112
00:50:10,640 --> 00:50:13,360
I've never told anyone
because I don't like to brag.
1113
00:50:13,960 --> 00:50:15,760
This is how it went down.
1114
00:50:15,840 --> 00:50:19,680
We were in Scotland Yard,
and we saw a guy sleeping in the street.
1115
00:50:19,760 --> 00:50:22,040
He'd been there over a month,
so the sergeant said,
1116
00:50:22,120 --> 00:50:23,800
"That's a long nap for an adult."
1117
00:50:23,880 --> 00:50:25,560
[audience laughs]
1118
00:50:26,600 --> 00:50:28,000
We called the coroner.
1119
00:50:28,760 --> 00:50:32,000
Not a doctor. He lived on the corner,
so we called him "the coroner."
1120
00:50:32,080 --> 00:50:33,080
[audience laughs]
1121
00:50:33,160 --> 00:50:37,040
The guy runs up to the body,
starts kicking him in the back,
1122
00:50:37,120 --> 00:50:40,040
and says, "He's either dead
or one tough son of a bitch."
1123
00:50:40,760 --> 00:50:42,480
Anyway, Sherlock Holmes came
1124
00:50:42,560 --> 00:50:45,960
and said, "This looks
like the work of Jack the Ripper."
1125
00:50:46,040 --> 00:50:49,160
We asked, "How do you know?"
"I'm Sherlock Holmes. That's why."
1126
00:50:50,320 --> 00:50:54,280
So, I found out which hotel
Jack the Ripper was staying at,
1127
00:50:54,360 --> 00:50:56,080
and I booked a room there.
1128
00:50:56,160 --> 00:50:58,120
But since I don't like violence,
1129
00:50:58,640 --> 00:51:00,600
I decided to smoke him out with hints.
1130
00:51:02,400 --> 00:51:06,600
I'd run into him in the hallway at night
and say, "Somebody killed someone."
1131
00:51:06,680 --> 00:51:08,640
[audience laughs, applauds]
1132
00:51:16,440 --> 00:51:18,000
"I'm not pointing any fingers…"
1133
00:51:18,080 --> 00:51:19,080
[audience laughs]
1134
00:51:20,080 --> 00:51:22,640
The next day, again,
I went, "Someone's a murderer."
1135
00:51:22,720 --> 00:51:23,680
[audience laughs]
1136
00:51:23,760 --> 00:51:25,120
"I'm no snitch, but…"
1137
00:51:26,080 --> 00:51:29,320
After 15 days, he said,
"I can't take it. It was me. Arrest me."
1138
00:51:30,280 --> 00:51:31,320
What a time…
1139
00:51:31,400 --> 00:51:35,520
I eventually left Scotland Yard
because being a cop in London sucks.
1140
00:51:35,600 --> 00:51:38,720
You have to walk the beat
fumbling around in the fog.
1141
00:51:39,240 --> 00:51:40,800
I'd slam into lampposts.
1142
00:51:41,440 --> 00:51:42,800
Now I do this for a living.
1143
00:51:42,880 --> 00:51:45,720
I don't really know what it is,
but I love it. Thanks.
1144
00:51:46,720 --> 00:51:47,600
[audience cheers]
1145
00:51:47,680 --> 00:51:48,800
[upbeat music playing]
1146
00:51:57,400 --> 00:51:59,720
I love how these red suits look on us.
1147
00:51:59,800 --> 00:52:02,800
Much better than pink.
I'm taking this one.
1148
00:52:02,880 --> 00:52:06,240
What? They're awful.
We look like Italian drug dealers.
1149
00:52:06,320 --> 00:52:08,280
And cover yourself up. We're feminists.
1150
00:52:08,360 --> 00:52:10,880
This is how it works.
I'm objectifying myself on TV.
1151
00:52:10,960 --> 00:52:12,280
Showing off a little.
1152
00:52:12,360 --> 00:52:14,280
-Nobody cares.
-[sighs]
1153
00:52:14,360 --> 00:52:16,200
What is this?
1154
00:52:16,280 --> 00:52:18,480
Everyone's performing, and we're up here.
1155
00:52:18,560 --> 00:52:22,000
They're saving the best for last.
The divas, you and I.
1156
00:52:22,080 --> 00:52:23,880
-When have I lied to you?
-All the time.
1157
00:52:23,960 --> 00:52:27,080
We're the phone-in vote.
Nobody cares about us. We're on last.
1158
00:52:27,160 --> 00:52:28,720
I'm getting angry.
1159
00:52:28,800 --> 00:52:31,720
Are you angry, pissed off,
or got your panties in a twist?
1160
00:52:31,800 --> 00:52:33,720
-All three.
-They're not the same.
1161
00:52:33,800 --> 00:52:37,200
-The three of them are different.
-What's the difference?
1162
00:52:37,280 --> 00:52:40,720
For example, you get angry
at me for calling at 2:00 a.m.
1163
00:52:40,800 --> 00:52:43,040
to tell you
I left my wallet at your place.
1164
00:52:43,120 --> 00:52:45,920
-You did that last night.
-Why are you always so selfish?
1165
00:52:46,000 --> 00:52:49,080
Everything's always about you.
It's all Carolina Iglesias.
1166
00:52:49,160 --> 00:52:52,240
You get pissed off
at me calling you again at 5:00 a.m.,
1167
00:52:52,320 --> 00:52:54,600
insisting that I left
my wallet at your place.
1168
00:52:54,680 --> 00:52:56,120
You did that last night too.
1169
00:52:56,200 --> 00:52:57,480
-Made you mad, huh?
-Yes.
1170
00:52:57,560 --> 00:52:59,360
You're nasty. You've always been.
1171
00:52:59,440 --> 00:53:01,440
What would get my panties in a twist?
1172
00:53:01,520 --> 00:53:05,280
Me telling you right now
that the wallet was never at your place.
1173
00:53:05,360 --> 00:53:08,360
I had it all along,
it was your wallet, and I took 20 euros.
1174
00:53:08,440 --> 00:53:10,800
You're ridiculous. This is pissing me off.
1175
00:53:10,880 --> 00:53:13,480
When do we go on?
We look like Chip 'n' Dale here.
1176
00:53:13,560 --> 00:53:15,400
Hold on. I've got it.
1177
00:53:15,480 --> 00:53:18,680
This is how we're involved.
We were never meant to go on.
1178
00:53:18,760 --> 00:53:20,720
-They did it again. We're so dumb.
-No.
1179
00:53:20,800 --> 00:53:23,880
-It was your agent.
-They wouldn't do that to us, would they?
1180
00:53:25,160 --> 00:53:26,000
Would they?
1181
00:53:26,080 --> 00:53:27,680
[audience applauds]
1182
00:53:30,080 --> 00:53:31,600
[cheering]
1183
00:53:45,280 --> 00:53:46,320
[exclaims]
1184
00:53:46,400 --> 00:53:48,040
[audience laughs]
1185
00:53:49,080 --> 00:53:54,480
[chuckles, reading] "I'm going to give you
a violin concert
1186
00:53:54,560 --> 00:53:58,160
that you won't forget
for as long as you live."
1187
00:53:58,240 --> 00:54:00,760
-[audience laughs]
-[Ignatius chuckles, exclaims]
1188
00:54:00,840 --> 00:54:02,320
[audience laughs]
1189
00:54:02,400 --> 00:54:07,280
"Personally, the violin isn't my…"
1190
00:54:07,800 --> 00:54:09,360
"But in my family,
1191
00:54:10,160 --> 00:54:12,080
everyone's always fiddled about."
1192
00:54:12,160 --> 00:54:13,040
[audience laughs]
1193
00:54:13,120 --> 00:54:17,000
"My dad's brother
died because of a violin."
1194
00:54:17,080 --> 00:54:22,040
"He'd already almost died in '67."
1195
00:54:22,120 --> 00:54:23,000
[exclaims]
1196
00:54:24,120 --> 00:54:25,920
[giggles] I'm enjoying these lines.
1197
00:54:26,000 --> 00:54:28,080
-[laughs]
-[audience laughs and applauds]
1198
00:54:29,520 --> 00:54:30,720
[chuckling] Holy shit.
1199
00:54:31,640 --> 00:54:34,200
It'd be nice to do this,
but without quoting Gila.
1200
00:54:34,280 --> 00:54:35,560
[audience laughs]
1201
00:54:36,520 --> 00:54:38,600
"In '67." Thanks for rewinding it.
1202
00:54:38,680 --> 00:54:40,040
[audience chuckles]
1203
00:54:40,120 --> 00:54:42,760
"He was playing 'La Danza del Fuego.'"
1204
00:54:42,840 --> 00:54:45,120
"His eyebrows caught fire,
1205
00:54:45,840 --> 00:54:51,080
and if we hadn't been fast
with the water keg, he would've burned."
1206
00:54:52,440 --> 00:54:54,320
I see that look on your faces.
1207
00:54:54,400 --> 00:54:55,720
I see it.
1208
00:54:55,800 --> 00:54:57,720
People are looking at me now,
1209
00:54:58,360 --> 00:55:00,640
like, "You're killing it, Ignatius."
1210
00:55:00,720 --> 00:55:02,080
[audience laughs]
1211
00:55:05,120 --> 00:55:07,640
And I see people looking at me like,
1212
00:55:08,160 --> 00:55:10,000
"I'm not saying I don't like it…
1213
00:55:10,080 --> 00:55:12,040
[audience and Ignatius laugh]
1214
00:55:13,240 --> 00:55:16,880
…but you gotta admit,
this is an eccentric way
1215
00:55:18,800 --> 00:55:19,920
of playing Gila."
1216
00:55:21,640 --> 00:55:25,440
"The other day,
we were in a meeting, and I said…"
1217
00:55:25,520 --> 00:55:28,520
"And his mother said,
'Play something, José Ramón.'"
1218
00:55:29,040 --> 00:55:32,560
"By the way, there was this fat lady…"
1219
00:55:33,720 --> 00:55:36,080
[audience chuckles]
1220
00:55:36,160 --> 00:55:37,400
Those were different times.
1221
00:55:37,480 --> 00:55:39,600
[laughs]
1222
00:55:39,680 --> 00:55:40,960
[audience applauds]
1223
00:55:41,040 --> 00:55:43,360
[Ignatius cracking up]
It's a fuckin' classic!
1224
00:55:47,560 --> 00:55:48,440
Let's…
1225
00:55:49,160 --> 00:55:50,640
[chuckles]
1226
00:55:50,720 --> 00:55:53,600
Let's separate the art from the artist.
1227
00:55:54,120 --> 00:55:55,480
[audience chuckles]
1228
00:55:55,560 --> 00:55:59,200
"By the way, there was this fat lady
1229
00:55:59,280 --> 00:56:00,600
who was making a scene,
1230
00:56:00,680 --> 00:56:03,000
leaning against a wall."
1231
00:56:03,720 --> 00:56:07,320
"'Keep your hands off me,
or I'll smash your face in
1232
00:56:07,400 --> 00:56:10,960
because I'm a very decent woman,
1233
00:56:11,040 --> 00:56:14,520
and the thing with the sergeant
was an accident.'"
1234
00:56:14,600 --> 00:56:16,040
[audience laughs]
1235
00:56:16,120 --> 00:56:18,080
"The accident's name is Carlitos."
1236
00:56:18,160 --> 00:56:19,560
[audience laughs]
1237
00:56:19,640 --> 00:56:21,840
"He's this tall…"
1238
00:56:22,640 --> 00:56:23,600
Uh…
1239
00:56:24,520 --> 00:56:26,600
In brackets… [laughs]
1240
00:56:26,680 --> 00:56:27,880
[audience chuckles]
1241
00:56:27,960 --> 00:56:29,520
It says in brackets,
1242
00:56:30,920 --> 00:56:31,760
"Acting."
1243
00:56:32,360 --> 00:56:33,720
[audience chuckles]
1244
00:56:33,800 --> 00:56:35,960
It says, "Gesture that he's tall."
1245
00:56:36,040 --> 00:56:37,360
[audience laughs]
1246
00:56:37,440 --> 00:56:38,920
"Carlitos is this tall now."
1247
00:56:40,080 --> 00:56:41,440
This is moving.
1248
00:56:41,520 --> 00:56:44,680
My grandma loved Gila.
1249
00:56:44,760 --> 00:56:46,800
And I wouldn't watch Gila.
1250
00:56:46,880 --> 00:56:48,080
I'd watch my grandma.
1251
00:56:48,640 --> 00:56:53,760
She'd be laughing.
And as a boy, I didn't even watch the TV.
1252
00:56:53,840 --> 00:56:57,600
I'd be watching my grandma laugh
and looking at her smile.
1253
00:56:57,680 --> 00:57:00,000
I recall these lines perfectly. [sniffles]
1254
00:57:00,880 --> 00:57:02,480
-[audience applauds]
-The…
1255
00:57:03,360 --> 00:57:04,200
Thank you.
1256
00:57:05,840 --> 00:57:06,720
"Open the case…"
1257
00:57:06,800 --> 00:57:10,560
This sucks because
some brackets you have to read,
1258
00:57:10,640 --> 00:57:12,120
and some you have to act out.
1259
00:57:12,640 --> 00:57:15,440
"Open the case,
and there's nothing inside."
1260
00:57:15,520 --> 00:57:17,560
Well, I wonder what will happen now.
1261
00:57:17,640 --> 00:57:19,480
[Ignatius and audience laugh]
1262
00:57:21,840 --> 00:57:22,760
[Ignatius gasps]
1263
00:57:23,560 --> 00:57:24,920
Oh! Could… [laughing]
1264
00:57:25,800 --> 00:57:27,080
Oh! Oh! Could…
1265
00:57:27,160 --> 00:57:29,480
[laughing wildly]
1266
00:57:30,000 --> 00:57:30,840
[splutters]
1267
00:57:31,480 --> 00:57:34,800
Could this show be better
than Cirque du Soleil?
1268
00:57:34,880 --> 00:57:36,200
[audience chuckles]
1269
00:57:37,040 --> 00:57:41,120
"Oh my God. It looks like
I forgot to bring my violin."
1270
00:57:41,840 --> 00:57:43,120
"I'm going to call home."
1271
00:57:44,160 --> 00:57:45,120
[audience chuckles]
1272
00:57:48,200 --> 00:57:50,560
BAD MEMORY RUNS IN THE FAMILY.
1273
00:57:50,640 --> 00:57:53,000
"I'm going to call home."
1274
00:57:53,080 --> 00:57:55,160
"Maybe I left it there."
1275
00:58:00,160 --> 00:58:02,640
"Listen, honey."
1276
00:58:02,720 --> 00:58:06,440
"Did I leave my violin on your bed?"
1277
00:58:06,520 --> 00:58:07,560
"Yes, honey."
1278
00:58:07,640 --> 00:58:11,400
"Yes, darling, sweetheart, sugar."
1279
00:58:11,480 --> 00:58:12,920
"Yes, honey."
1280
00:58:13,000 --> 00:58:13,840
"It's the maid."
1281
00:58:13,920 --> 00:58:15,400
-[chuckles]
-[audience laughs]
1282
00:58:16,800 --> 00:58:19,320
"I hate her guts…" [cracks up]
1283
00:58:19,400 --> 00:58:20,360
[audience applauds]
1284
00:58:23,840 --> 00:58:25,840
"Yes, yes, yes."
1285
00:58:25,920 --> 00:58:27,280
"A violin."
1286
00:58:27,360 --> 00:58:30,040
"Long, made of wood. It's got hairs."
1287
00:58:30,600 --> 00:58:32,760
"That's a paintbrush."
1288
00:58:34,360 --> 00:58:37,840
"Is my aunt Rosario there? Put her on."
1289
00:58:37,920 --> 00:58:40,160
"My aunt Rosario is a spinster."
1290
00:58:40,240 --> 00:58:42,480
"When she was born,
they said to her father,
1291
00:58:42,560 --> 00:58:44,760
'It's a spinster.'"
1292
00:58:45,280 --> 00:58:46,600
[audience laughs]
1293
00:58:47,360 --> 00:58:48,520
"Into the phone."
1294
00:58:48,600 --> 00:58:49,960
"Aunt Rosario,
1295
00:58:50,560 --> 00:58:54,600
did I happen to leave a violin
on your bed?"
1296
00:58:55,240 --> 00:58:58,280
"See if you can find it."
1297
00:58:59,920 --> 00:59:02,760
"She can't find a boyfriend,
but she'll find a violin."
1298
00:59:03,520 --> 00:59:05,280
[audience laughs and applauds]
1299
00:59:05,360 --> 00:59:07,960
"She got plastic surgery,
1300
00:59:08,040 --> 00:59:09,680
and they did a crappy job."
1301
00:59:09,760 --> 00:59:12,880
"She wanted to take 15 years off
but didn't have the money,
1302
00:59:12,960 --> 00:59:14,880
so they took off six days instead."
1303
00:59:14,960 --> 00:59:19,800
"Today's Wednesday, and her face
looks like it did last Thursday."
1304
00:59:19,880 --> 00:59:21,440
[audience laughs and applauds]
1305
00:59:26,920 --> 00:59:28,400
"She got lost one night."
1306
00:59:28,480 --> 00:59:30,920
"We went to the police station
with a photo."
1307
00:59:31,000 --> 00:59:32,760
"The chief looked at it and said,
1308
00:59:32,840 --> 00:59:34,720
'Are you sure you want to find her?'"
1309
00:59:34,800 --> 00:59:36,480
[audience laughs]
1310
00:59:36,560 --> 00:59:39,760
"Yes, what is it? Maybe Grandma has it."
1311
00:59:40,560 --> 00:59:42,840
"Put Grandma on, will you?"
1312
00:59:42,920 --> 00:59:45,440
"She's also a spinster."
1313
00:59:45,520 --> 00:59:46,560
"And she's Deaf."
1314
00:59:46,640 --> 00:59:50,360
"During the war, a bomb fell on the house,
1315
00:59:50,440 --> 00:59:52,560
and she said, 'Don't slam the doors!'"
1316
00:59:53,520 --> 00:59:56,360
"And the time the gas tank exploded,
1317
00:59:56,440 --> 00:59:59,440
she came out holding a glass."
1318
00:59:59,520 --> 01:00:02,360
"'Champagne. Champagne.
Champagne.'" [laughs]
1319
01:00:04,240 --> 01:00:07,160
"Granny, have you seen my violin?"
1320
01:00:07,240 --> 01:00:11,200
"Granny? She goes, 'My name's not Annie.'"
1321
01:00:11,280 --> 01:00:12,200
"And she hung up."
1322
01:00:12,960 --> 01:00:14,840
[chuckles]
1323
01:00:14,920 --> 01:00:16,480
"Well, never mind,
1324
01:00:16,560 --> 01:00:18,680
because, to tell you the truth,
1325
01:00:18,760 --> 01:00:20,560
you didn't miss out on much,
1326
01:00:20,640 --> 01:00:23,640
because I play… because I play
1327
01:00:23,720 --> 01:00:25,000
by ear
1328
01:00:26,280 --> 01:00:27,120
and not…"
1329
01:00:27,640 --> 01:00:28,960
I can relate to this part.
1330
01:00:29,600 --> 01:00:31,800
"Because I play by ear…"
1331
01:00:31,880 --> 01:00:32,840
Damn.
1332
01:00:32,920 --> 01:00:35,800
It feels nice to see yourself
in someone else's words.
1333
01:00:36,640 --> 01:00:41,160
"Because I play by ear
and don't take advice."
1334
01:00:42,400 --> 01:00:44,080
-Thank you all.
-[audience cheers]
1335
01:00:44,160 --> 01:00:45,440
Thank you, Gila.
1336
01:00:45,520 --> 01:00:48,320
Thank you, Gila, for teaching us,
1337
01:00:48,840 --> 01:00:51,120
for helping us realize
1338
01:00:51,200 --> 01:00:54,360
that we each have to do it our own way.
1339
01:00:54,440 --> 01:00:56,840
Thank you all. [chuckles]
1340
01:00:56,920 --> 01:00:59,520
-[cheering continues]
-[upbeat music playing]
1341
01:01:02,160 --> 01:01:03,240
[piano music playing]
1342
01:01:03,320 --> 01:01:07,760
It's not to disparage the Spanish people,
1343
01:01:08,280 --> 01:01:10,480
who are so very honest
and very spontaneous,
1344
01:01:10,560 --> 01:01:14,960
and who say what they feel
without worrying about hurting anybody.
1345
01:01:15,040 --> 01:01:17,120
They say it because it's what they feel.
1346
01:01:17,200 --> 01:01:20,400
So, the character,
or characters I created, with the beret,
1347
01:01:20,920 --> 01:01:24,040
always try to say things with an innocence
1348
01:01:24,560 --> 01:01:28,000
that allows them to reject all hypocrisy
1349
01:01:28,080 --> 01:01:29,960
and express exactly how they feel.
1350
01:01:30,040 --> 01:01:32,040
[audience applauds and cheers]
1351
01:01:38,240 --> 01:01:40,400
[JJ Vaquero] I'm from a poor neighborhood.
1352
01:01:40,480 --> 01:01:44,200
When I was a kid, we were so poor
I thought "tea" was a place.
1353
01:01:44,800 --> 01:01:45,880
[audience laughs]
1354
01:01:45,960 --> 01:01:49,280
People would say, "I'm going to tea."
I'd say, "I'm staying. I'm hungry."
1355
01:01:50,400 --> 01:01:53,840
Where I'm from,
if someone's missing, they're in prison.
1356
01:01:53,920 --> 01:01:57,800
We don't say "goodbye."
We say "arrest you later." [scoffs]
1357
01:01:59,800 --> 01:02:01,920
My neighborhood's called
Mugre de los Ajos.
1358
01:02:02,000 --> 01:02:04,600
We're not Spain's
smartest bunch. I'll warn you.
1359
01:02:04,680 --> 01:02:08,600
They said to one guy, "Your mouth's open."
He answered, "I know. I opened it."
1360
01:02:09,120 --> 01:02:10,280
To give you an idea.
1361
01:02:10,360 --> 01:02:14,040
My cousin got offered a job at a bar.
"Would you like to be a dishwasher?"
1362
01:02:14,120 --> 01:02:16,040
He asked, "What do dishwashers do?"
1363
01:02:16,120 --> 01:02:17,560
[audience laughs]
1364
01:02:17,640 --> 01:02:19,000
-[applauding]
-"Huh?"
1365
01:02:25,480 --> 01:02:28,120
My aunt, being his mother,
can only say one thing.
1366
01:02:28,200 --> 01:02:29,320
She always says,
1367
01:02:29,400 --> 01:02:31,000
"My son's very intelligent."
1368
01:02:31,080 --> 01:02:34,040
"He just doesn't show
any symptoms of it." [laughs]
1369
01:02:35,200 --> 01:02:40,200
Where I'm from, what we like the most
are the festivities we have every year.
1370
01:02:40,280 --> 01:02:43,840
On the first day, we begin
with the strongman competition.
1371
01:02:43,920 --> 01:02:47,880
We get a rock this big
and crack it with our heads.
1372
01:02:47,960 --> 01:02:51,920
Johnny cracked it with two headbutts.
He died right when we gave him the prize.
1373
01:02:52,000 --> 01:02:53,120
[sighs]
1374
01:02:53,640 --> 01:02:57,600
To show off, he didn't wear a cap.
He did it bareheaded.
1375
01:02:57,680 --> 01:02:59,160
[audience laughs]
1376
01:03:01,400 --> 01:03:03,160
-I remember…
-[audience applauds]
1377
01:03:03,920 --> 01:03:06,840
…when they installed the electrical liars.
1378
01:03:07,880 --> 01:03:10,400
We told Michael
they were for hanging laundry.
1379
01:03:10,480 --> 01:03:12,280
He climbed up… Zap!
1380
01:03:12,360 --> 01:03:14,440
When he fell, he looked like cigar ashes.
1381
01:03:15,280 --> 01:03:18,680
The cop said,
"No one breathe until the jury gets here."
1382
01:03:18,760 --> 01:03:21,760
The doctor was like,
"Let me give him a tennis shot."
1383
01:03:21,840 --> 01:03:25,640
Even his dad said, "You killed my son
but I got a good laugh."
1384
01:03:27,320 --> 01:03:29,760
We pranked the pharmacist,
1385
01:03:29,840 --> 01:03:31,640
may he rest in peace.
1386
01:03:32,360 --> 01:03:35,400
At night, he worked
at this tiny window, you know?
1387
01:03:35,480 --> 01:03:38,480
So, we held
the doctor's prescription far away.
1388
01:03:38,560 --> 01:03:40,720
He had to pop his head outside to read it.
1389
01:03:40,800 --> 01:03:43,040
We put a steak on his neck,
1390
01:03:43,120 --> 01:03:45,000
and Cristian released the pit bull…
1391
01:03:45,800 --> 01:03:46,640
Chomp.
1392
01:03:47,600 --> 01:03:50,960
It took the dog three days
to poop the glasses out.
1393
01:03:52,240 --> 01:03:53,800
Dani Rovira reported us.
1394
01:03:53,880 --> 01:03:55,720
[audience laughs]
1395
01:03:55,800 --> 01:03:59,640
God, are you watching this?
Ernesto Sevilla, Arturo Valls, Vaquero.
1396
01:04:00,320 --> 01:04:02,480
These guys have to
be dewormed immediately.
1397
01:04:03,520 --> 01:04:05,520
The best pranks were at weddings…
1398
01:04:05,600 --> 01:04:07,880
Macahan got married three months ago.
1399
01:04:07,960 --> 01:04:10,080
We put the bride
on a train to Extremadura.
1400
01:04:11,160 --> 01:04:13,240
Her train must be in Plasencia right now.
1401
01:04:13,320 --> 01:04:14,320
[audience laughs]
1402
01:04:14,960 --> 01:04:18,520
Macahan was drunk,
so he didn't even notice
1403
01:04:18,600 --> 01:04:21,040
we put a circus pony in his bed.
1404
01:04:22,320 --> 01:04:24,400
He didn't notice until the next morning.
1405
01:04:24,960 --> 01:04:28,400
The way he told it had us in stitches.
"I kissed her on the muzzle
1406
01:04:28,480 --> 01:04:31,360
and thought, 'Holy crap,
my girl Vane shaved!'" [laughs]
1407
01:04:31,440 --> 01:04:32,560
[audience chuckles]
1408
01:04:32,640 --> 01:04:35,200
"I felt the saddle
and thought it was her girdle."
1409
01:04:35,280 --> 01:04:38,720
We asked about the tail. He said,
"I thought they were extensions."
1410
01:04:38,800 --> 01:04:39,920
[audience laughs]
1411
01:04:40,000 --> 01:04:42,480
We have fun in my neighborhood, we do.
1412
01:04:42,560 --> 01:04:46,000
In those fancy developments
there are luxury homes,
1413
01:04:46,600 --> 01:04:48,160
but they can't behave.
1414
01:04:48,240 --> 01:04:49,600
One day in La Moraleja,
1415
01:04:49,680 --> 01:04:53,120
named that way because
most of its residents pretend to be moral,
1416
01:04:54,160 --> 01:04:56,040
some guy called me a crook.
1417
01:04:56,120 --> 01:04:57,320
A crook! Me!
1418
01:04:59,480 --> 01:05:01,960
I asked, "What do you do?"
"I'm a politician."
1419
01:05:02,040 --> 01:05:04,680
When I heard that, I left.
I didn't even say goodbye.
1420
01:05:04,760 --> 01:05:07,880
I said, "Arrest you later!" [chuckles]
1421
01:05:07,960 --> 01:05:11,600
Sorry for butchering it, boss.
We miss you.
1422
01:05:11,680 --> 01:05:14,000
-[audience cheering]
-[energetic music playing]
1423
01:05:18,760 --> 01:05:23,320
Humor is a kind of mental deception
where you have to surprise.
1424
01:05:24,120 --> 01:05:27,640
You have to make it so that one
never knows what you're gonna say.
1425
01:05:27,720 --> 01:05:32,120
And what I do is I create absurd scenarios
1426
01:05:32,960 --> 01:05:34,720
that aren't all that absurd.
1427
01:05:34,800 --> 01:05:35,640
I mean,
1428
01:05:36,240 --> 01:05:39,840
the fact that something hasn't happened
doesn't mean it can't happen.
1429
01:05:39,920 --> 01:05:40,880
[audience cheering]
1430
01:05:51,320 --> 01:05:52,560
Don't ever die,
1431
01:05:52,640 --> 01:05:56,480
because dying is something
you can't go back on.
1432
01:05:56,560 --> 01:06:00,800
Once you die, you can't do the things
you could do when you were alive.
1433
01:06:01,320 --> 01:06:03,280
You can't make videos on TikTok.
1434
01:06:04,200 --> 01:06:05,600
You can't walk the dog,
1435
01:06:06,560 --> 01:06:09,560
play dominoes, or buy olive oil.
1436
01:06:09,640 --> 01:06:11,880
Honestly, if you get the choice,
1437
01:06:11,960 --> 01:06:13,160
don't ever die.
1438
01:06:13,840 --> 01:06:14,760
Take it from me.
1439
01:06:15,280 --> 01:06:16,760
I've died several times.
1440
01:06:17,720 --> 01:06:19,640
I remember the first time I died.
1441
01:06:20,320 --> 01:06:22,400
I was about eight or nine years old.
1442
01:06:22,480 --> 01:06:24,600
I was at the beach with my family.
1443
01:06:24,680 --> 01:06:25,680
It was my fault.
1444
01:06:26,200 --> 01:06:27,560
I didn't listen to my mom,
1445
01:06:27,640 --> 01:06:30,680
and I went into the water
right after I ate.
1446
01:06:30,760 --> 01:06:32,160
[audience laughs]
1447
01:06:32,240 --> 01:06:35,480
It just so happened
that day I'd gobbled down…
1448
01:06:35,560 --> 01:06:36,880
What was it?
1449
01:06:36,960 --> 01:06:39,160
I ate half a potato omelet,
1450
01:06:39,960 --> 01:06:41,320
a carton of gazpacho…
1451
01:06:41,400 --> 01:06:42,520
[audience laughs]
1452
01:06:42,600 --> 01:06:44,160
…two loaves of homemade bread,
1453
01:06:45,320 --> 01:06:48,400
three Canary Island bananas,
from La Palma…
1454
01:06:48,480 --> 01:06:49,640
[audience laughs]
1455
01:06:49,720 --> 01:06:50,600
…and that was it.
1456
01:06:50,680 --> 01:06:52,840
Well, and a glass of herb liqueur.
1457
01:06:53,520 --> 01:06:56,240
In those days
people weren't as fussy about children.
1458
01:06:56,320 --> 01:06:57,800
[audience laughs]
1459
01:06:57,880 --> 01:07:00,000
I should've listened to my mom.
1460
01:07:00,080 --> 01:07:01,440
I went in the water.
1461
01:07:01,520 --> 01:07:02,680
I started feeling sick.
1462
01:07:02,760 --> 01:07:06,000
I swallowed so much water.
The worst kind of water.
1463
01:07:06,080 --> 01:07:09,120
When I tried
to tell my parents I was drowning,
1464
01:07:09,200 --> 01:07:10,960
they thought I was waving,
1465
01:07:11,040 --> 01:07:13,920
and waved back with a handkerchief
while I sunk like the Titanic.
1466
01:07:15,320 --> 01:07:16,360
It was tragic.
1467
01:07:18,760 --> 01:07:20,840
The second time I died,
1468
01:07:20,920 --> 01:07:23,480
I was about 20,
and it was during the Civil War.
1469
01:07:24,000 --> 01:07:26,320
I was in the trenches--
This one annoyed me.
1470
01:07:26,400 --> 01:07:28,360
This death really pissed me off.
1471
01:07:28,440 --> 01:07:30,480
Because I didn't die. I was killed.
1472
01:07:31,560 --> 01:07:33,160
I was lying in the trench.
1473
01:07:33,240 --> 01:07:36,200
I remember I was whistling
some of Piquer's coplas.
1474
01:07:37,200 --> 01:07:40,200
Quietly, so that
the enemy wouldn't hear me.
1475
01:07:40,280 --> 01:07:44,360
Just as I got
to the chorus of "Ojos Verdes,"
1476
01:07:45,640 --> 01:07:49,800
this huge bomb
landed right on top of me. Boom!
1477
01:07:49,880 --> 01:07:51,360
It obliterated me. I died.
1478
01:07:51,440 --> 01:07:53,240
Boy, was I angry.
1479
01:07:53,800 --> 01:07:54,640
Oh.
1480
01:07:55,240 --> 01:07:57,360
And you can't complain to anyone.
1481
01:07:57,440 --> 01:07:59,440
Who can you complain to?
1482
01:07:59,520 --> 01:08:01,800
Even if you could complain
1483
01:08:01,880 --> 01:08:04,360
and they took notice,
what are they gonna do?
1484
01:08:04,440 --> 01:08:06,560
Bring you back from the dead? Pfft.
1485
01:08:06,640 --> 01:08:07,960
It's not like I'm a saint.
1486
01:08:08,040 --> 01:08:09,760
[audience laughs]
1487
01:08:09,840 --> 01:08:11,520
The third time I died,
1488
01:08:11,600 --> 01:08:14,840
I'd gotten a job in construction.
1489
01:08:15,880 --> 01:08:19,880
I was up on the scaffolding,
on the 9th or 10th floor.
1490
01:08:19,960 --> 01:08:24,760
A guy next to me dropped some bricks
on the scaffolding that made it wobble.
1491
01:08:24,840 --> 01:08:26,000
I lost my balance…
1492
01:08:26,080 --> 01:08:28,600
[imitates whooshing]
…and fell into the abyss.
1493
01:08:29,920 --> 01:08:31,440
Which isn't actually an abyss.
1494
01:08:31,520 --> 01:08:32,680
[audience laughs]
1495
01:08:35,040 --> 01:08:36,800
That's not a fitting name.
1496
01:08:38,680 --> 01:08:39,840
Because at some point…
1497
01:08:42,200 --> 01:08:43,320
there's something.
1498
01:08:44,000 --> 01:08:47,440
That something is called cement,
and it happens to be what kills you.
1499
01:08:48,080 --> 01:08:51,160
If it really was the abyss,
I'd still be falling
1500
01:08:51,240 --> 01:08:54,280
into some crazy space-time.
1501
01:08:55,600 --> 01:08:57,760
Do you know what happened as I fell?
1502
01:08:58,320 --> 01:09:00,080
What people always say.
1503
01:09:01,320 --> 01:09:03,080
Seeing your life play like a movie.
1504
01:09:06,840 --> 01:09:08,000
Boring as hell.
1505
01:09:08,080 --> 01:09:09,800
[audience laughs]
1506
01:09:12,280 --> 01:09:15,240
Not even a trailer. The whole thing.
1507
01:09:15,320 --> 01:09:18,600
It's all there.
There's no fast-forward button…
1508
01:09:18,680 --> 01:09:21,400
No, no, no. The whole movie.
1509
01:09:21,480 --> 01:09:23,200
My whole life.
1510
01:09:23,280 --> 01:09:27,280
From my brother-in-law's yapping
every Christmas Eve…
1511
01:09:27,360 --> 01:09:29,160
-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles]
1512
01:09:30,240 --> 01:09:34,480
…to a Getafe vs. Levante match I saw.
I was like, "What's this all about?"
1513
01:09:34,560 --> 01:09:36,000
[audience applauds]
1514
01:09:41,240 --> 01:09:42,600
The last time I died…
1515
01:09:43,280 --> 01:09:44,120
Oof.
1516
01:09:44,760 --> 01:09:47,160
I remember it like it was yesterday.
1517
01:09:47,240 --> 01:09:50,800
I was about 82 or 83.
1518
01:09:50,880 --> 01:09:54,600
I don't remember exactly.
At that age, your memory gets a bit foggy.
1519
01:09:55,280 --> 01:09:58,400
[clicks tongue] Yeah, I died.
I didn't want to die.
1520
01:09:58,480 --> 01:10:02,080
It was a sunny spring day.
1521
01:10:02,160 --> 01:10:05,280
I read my horoscope.
It said, "Health: good."
1522
01:10:05,360 --> 01:10:06,320
I was like…
1523
01:10:06,400 --> 01:10:07,400
[audience laughs]
1524
01:10:07,480 --> 01:10:09,120
I remember the funeral.
1525
01:10:09,200 --> 01:10:10,240
Hmm.
1526
01:10:10,760 --> 01:10:13,480
Two of my pals came, acquaintances.
1527
01:10:14,360 --> 01:10:16,680
I don't know their names,
but they were there.
1528
01:10:17,680 --> 01:10:18,720
Some neighbors came.
1529
01:10:19,400 --> 01:10:20,280
Family.
1530
01:10:21,320 --> 01:10:23,200
Some guy from the book club came too.
1531
01:10:23,280 --> 01:10:24,680
[audience laughs]
1532
01:10:24,760 --> 01:10:28,600
We'd become friends
after years of him coming to my house.
1533
01:10:28,680 --> 01:10:29,800
[audience chuckles]
1534
01:10:29,880 --> 01:10:31,400
One thing I remember
1535
01:10:31,480 --> 01:10:33,520
is that when the funeral ended,
1536
01:10:33,600 --> 01:10:34,520
everyone left
1537
01:10:35,280 --> 01:10:36,560
and I stayed there alone.
1538
01:10:37,480 --> 01:10:38,680
The night set in,
1539
01:10:39,760 --> 01:10:42,120
and I was left
with the flowers and the wreaths.
1540
01:10:42,960 --> 01:10:45,720
Eventually, the flowers began to wilt.
1541
01:10:46,440 --> 01:10:50,760
It seems that if nobody
looks at a flower, it withers.
1542
01:10:52,200 --> 01:10:53,880
[inhales] And after that,
1543
01:10:54,400 --> 01:10:58,240
other than a common cold
and a couple of eye infections,
1544
01:10:58,320 --> 01:11:01,600
I haven't had any issues.
1545
01:11:02,800 --> 01:11:04,880
That's why I tell you that…
1546
01:11:06,200 --> 01:11:08,320
although we may sometimes feel like dying,
1547
01:11:08,840 --> 01:11:13,720
although life might not always
turn out the way you want it to,
1548
01:11:15,240 --> 01:11:16,200
I must insist,
1549
01:11:16,960 --> 01:11:17,960
don't ever die.
1550
01:11:19,040 --> 01:11:20,920
Life is beautiful. What the hell!
1551
01:11:21,000 --> 01:11:22,720
-[audience applauds]
-Thanks a lot.
1552
01:11:32,760 --> 01:11:33,960
[strumming gently]
1553
01:11:39,320 --> 01:11:40,440
[vocalizing]
1554
01:11:50,560 --> 01:11:51,720
♪ This world ♪
1555
01:11:53,360 --> 01:11:54,840
♪ So wonderful ♪
1556
01:11:56,000 --> 01:11:57,960
♪ Rich and beautiful ♪
1557
01:11:58,920 --> 01:12:01,880
♪ Is a shit show ♪
1558
01:12:01,960 --> 01:12:03,480
♪ With its haters ♪
1559
01:12:03,560 --> 01:12:04,680
♪ Ooh ♪
1560
01:12:04,760 --> 01:12:06,400
♪ With its soldiers ♪
1561
01:12:06,480 --> 01:12:07,600
♪ Ooh ♪
1562
01:12:07,680 --> 01:12:09,560
♪ With your brother-in-law ♪
1563
01:12:09,640 --> 01:12:11,240
♪ And with ♪
1564
01:12:12,000 --> 01:12:13,400
♪ Reggaeton ♪
1565
01:12:13,480 --> 01:12:16,200
♪ There are people in politics ♪
1566
01:12:16,280 --> 01:12:19,240
♪ As well as critics ♪
1567
01:12:19,320 --> 01:12:21,960
♪ I need ♪
1568
01:12:22,040 --> 01:12:25,200
♪ My sedatives ♪
1569
01:12:25,280 --> 01:12:30,920
♪ But if the sorrow goes on ♪
1570
01:12:31,000 --> 01:12:33,240
♪ There's no better remedy ♪
1571
01:12:33,320 --> 01:12:36,680
♪ Than to split one's sides ♪
1572
01:12:36,760 --> 01:12:39,120
♪ Is this the enemy? ♪
1573
01:12:39,200 --> 01:12:42,280
♪ Put him on ♪
1574
01:12:42,360 --> 01:12:45,080
♪ I'm gonna laugh in his face ♪
1575
01:12:45,160 --> 01:12:48,280
♪ And tell jokes at his funeral ♪
1576
01:12:48,360 --> 01:12:49,400
[vocalizing]
1577
01:12:53,920 --> 01:12:56,760
[audience cheering and clapping to beat]
1578
01:12:59,680 --> 01:13:02,480
♪ There are fanatics ♪
1579
01:13:02,560 --> 01:13:05,480
♪ And people who are problematic ♪
1580
01:13:05,560 --> 01:13:08,360
♪ There are the unfriendly ♪
1581
01:13:08,440 --> 01:13:11,400
♪ And the melodramatic ♪
1582
01:13:11,480 --> 01:13:17,360
♪ But if the sorrow goes on ♪
1583
01:13:17,440 --> 01:13:19,600
♪ There's no better remedy ♪
1584
01:13:19,680 --> 01:13:22,920
♪ Than to split one's sides ♪
1585
01:13:23,000 --> 01:13:25,480
♪ Is this the enemy? ♪
1586
01:13:25,560 --> 01:13:29,320
♪ Put him on ♪
1587
01:13:29,400 --> 01:13:31,920
♪ I'm gonna laugh in his face ♪
1588
01:13:32,000 --> 01:13:35,040
♪ And tell jokes at his funeral ♪
1589
01:13:35,120 --> 01:13:36,720
[humming]
1590
01:13:44,560 --> 01:13:46,520
[audience clapping to beat]
1591
01:13:46,600 --> 01:13:48,920
We also want to…
1592
01:13:49,000 --> 01:13:50,040
What should we do?
1593
01:13:50,120 --> 01:13:52,200
What should we sing?
1594
01:13:52,760 --> 01:13:55,200
[vocalizing]
1595
01:14:03,120 --> 01:14:04,640
-Come on!
-The lyrics are easy.
1596
01:14:09,040 --> 01:14:10,000
That's it!
1597
01:14:10,080 --> 01:14:11,200
[vocalizing continues]
1598
01:14:21,800 --> 01:14:24,440
♪ Is this the enemy? ♪
1599
01:14:24,520 --> 01:14:27,760
♪ Put him on ♪
1600
01:14:27,840 --> 01:14:30,000
♪ Is this the enemy? ♪
1601
01:14:30,080 --> 01:14:31,040
Uh-uh-uh!
1602
01:14:32,160 --> 01:14:33,560
[hums]
1603
01:14:33,640 --> 01:14:37,240
♪ Put him on ♪
1604
01:14:37,320 --> 01:14:38,640
Whoo!
1605
01:14:38,720 --> 01:14:39,880
[audience cheers]
1606
01:14:51,800 --> 01:14:52,880
[piano music playing]
1607
01:14:52,960 --> 01:14:56,840
Thank you all for watching.
1608
01:14:57,800 --> 01:15:02,720
Accept all my affection and everything
1609
01:15:02,800 --> 01:15:03,920
I've always given you
1610
01:15:04,640 --> 01:15:07,680
and will continue to give you,
even while I'm on the road.
1611
01:15:07,760 --> 01:15:09,400
You're always in my thoughts.
1612
01:15:10,840 --> 01:15:14,360
You're really going on about Gila.
Are we only gonna talk about him?
1613
01:15:14,440 --> 01:15:18,240
He's obviously a role model
in stand-up, right?
1614
01:15:18,320 --> 01:15:21,840
He was a pioneer
for stand-up comics in this country,
1615
01:15:21,920 --> 01:15:24,600
Gila was already quite old
when I was a kid,
1616
01:15:24,680 --> 01:15:27,080
but he was in amazing shape.
1617
01:15:27,160 --> 01:15:29,560
And the monologues, as we've seen today,
1618
01:15:29,640 --> 01:15:32,600
still work as if
they were written yesterday.
1619
01:15:32,680 --> 01:15:35,880
The lines are the same, but instead
of "parents," I say "grandparents."
1620
01:15:35,960 --> 01:15:38,920
And they're still funny.
They were funny back then,
1621
01:15:39,000 --> 01:15:41,760
and they're still current today,
which is awesome.
1622
01:15:41,840 --> 01:15:45,480
It's weird because you know
you can't tell it better than him.
1623
01:15:45,560 --> 01:15:51,360
When you dial the phone,
you channel Gila's spirit in the lines.
1624
01:15:51,440 --> 01:15:52,360
He takes over.
1625
01:15:52,440 --> 01:15:56,640
[laughs] Is this a heartfelt tribute
or what?
1626
01:15:56,720 --> 01:15:57,760
[giggles]
1627
01:15:57,840 --> 01:16:01,240
Gila was a big part of my childhood.
1628
01:16:01,320 --> 01:16:04,200
I watched him with my parents.
It's a beautiful memory.
1629
01:16:04,280 --> 01:16:05,120
Yes.