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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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A NETFLIX COMEDY SPECIAL
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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Josefina… Let's see.
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This goes here.
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Oh, man. What timing.
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Yes?
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Hello?
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00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:28,440
Yes? I'm listening.
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Yes.
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Yes!
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Okay, I'm on my way.
13
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Yes?
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Sure, I'm nearby. I'll be right there.
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Nacho and I are going.
People can't tell us apart anyway.
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Right, see you soon.
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All right. Bye.
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Did it work? Did you trick them?
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-No, but we're going anyway.
-Yeah, we're going!
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How dare they tell us
we can't take David's place!
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What's up?
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I can't. I'm about to watch a show
with Spain's top comedians performing…
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Oh, that's the one, yeah.
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Well, I'm already here.
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Okay.
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Incredible.
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For the first time in my life,
I'm not late.
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Yes?
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I'm really busy.
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Okay. I'll send an important email
and head out. See you.
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Yes, this is Arturo.
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No, not Reverte.
The one from Caiga quien caiga.
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Not Wyoming. The other guy.
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I had an important match,
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but the show can't go on without me,
so I'll be there.
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Juan Carlos Ortega's office.
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I'm on my way.
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What do you mean,
is everyone from Pantomima going?
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Alberto and I are, sure.
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The banners? Yeah, they're coming too.
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SUPPORTING ACT IN THEIR OWN SHOW
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Of course. Can I come now?
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Honey, I have to go.
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You'll understand when you're older.
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I'll give it all I've got.
I wouldn't miss this for the world.
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-Well, all right. We're in.
-That's right.
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Tronchi and Monchi all the way.
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When will we stop saying yes to everyone?
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Same as all the big stars.
When we have a stroke.
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Yes?
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Sure, give me five minutes.
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Ten, tops.
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Hi.
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What's up?
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Hi. How are you?
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Thank you, everyone.
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Thank you.
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How's it going? Thanks for coming.
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Real quick, I'll tell you
the story of my life,
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which is pretty wild,
but I don't have another one.
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I could tell you my sister Elisa's,
but she never likes that.
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It makes her mad,
and I respect her, so I'll focus on mine.
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Something I should note.
I should've been born in the winter.
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But we were poor
and didn't have central heating,
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so I waited until May.
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I was born abruptly. Bam! All of a sudden.
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It caught everyone off guard.
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My mom thought it was a false alarm
and went out to borrow some parsley.
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So, I was born on my own
and went downstairs to tell the super.
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I said, "Ms. Julia. I'm a boy."
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She said, "So?"
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I said, "I was just born,
my mom's not home."
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"I need to be breastfed.
So if you could give me a little…"
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She said, "Well, we'll see."
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The super ended up breastfeeding me.
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But the lady
didn't even have enough for a macchiato.
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Because, in her youth, she'd breastfed
11 kids and one staff sergeant.
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He didn't even marry her.
What an ungrateful and disgusting person.
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A greedy pig
who dunked churros on her boobs.
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Horrible, really. It was terrible.
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Anyway, I went home
and sat down, and when my mom came,
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I went to open the door
and said, "Mom, I was born."
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She said,
"Don't ever do that again alone."
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"I've had it with kids
being born on their own."
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Nine siblings, my mom, my dad,
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a man dressed in brown who sat
in the hallway. We didn't know him.
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That apartment…
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We were extremely poor. Very poor.
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My mom did
what they did with orphans then.
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She left us in baskets on doorsteps.
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She left me at the door
of some very rich marquises.
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They had everything.
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They had ties, soup…
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They flushed their toilet
with mineral water.
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Their X-rays were in oil on canvas.
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They had Goya paint them. It was amazing.
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You know.
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But then the marquises
wanted me to finish high school.
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High school, you know.
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That thing that helps you
do crosswords and stuff.
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Very useful, actually.
102
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But it wasn't my thing, so I ran away
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and got a job
with this incredible photographer.
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He could make anyone look good.
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He could make a deadbeat beggar
look like a green-eyed admiral.
106
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The guy had incredible talent.
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I was there a while,
did well, and used my earnings
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to go on a tour around Europe.
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Real cheap.
I saw all of Europe for 40 euros.
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We moved at an incredible pace.
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We did 19 countries in 11 days.
Flat out, so fast.
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They'd say, "Go!"
The ladies would be like, "I have to pee!"
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He'd say, "Pee in Holland, lady.
We're on our way there."
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"It's okay. Keep it moving."
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But it was beautiful
to see Europe like that.
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They took us, as a starter,
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to the Leaning Tower of London.
You may have heard of it.
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Then to Paris.
We saw the Awful Tower. Beautiful.
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The Lube Museum.
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I didn't see any lube there.
It was so fast.
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You're like, "Where is it?
It's the one thing I wanted to see."
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They took us to see
the Tomb of the Ingrown Soldier.
123
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Then to a square where the French
"took a bad pill," we were told.
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If you say so.
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Then, at Napoleon's tomb,
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the guide said,
"Those are Napoleon's ashes."
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I was like,
"He sure smoked a lot! Incredible!"
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"My God, that's wild!"
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Then we went to Greece.
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What can I say about Greece?
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It's a country that's just there.
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You can't be ignorant and say,
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"Greece isn't there!"
It's there all right.
134
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But have you seen it?
It's gross. Just terrible.
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Everything's old and run down.
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Everything is run down and ancient.
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No good statues. They're all broken.
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One's missing its head,
another an arm, a leg…
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I was like, "Put it all together
and make one good one."
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One.
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Make one here.
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I…
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I didn't really like Greece
because we didn't see much.
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We'd been asking, "What country is this?"
They'd say "Greece."
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We'd say, "The movie?"
and then go back to the bus. Back home.
146
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That's pretty much my life.
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There's a lot more
to tell you another day.
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Thanks for coming and for being here.
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Thank you very much.
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Thank you, everyone.
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Thank you.
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Thank you for coming.
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See you later.
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Bye.
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When I talk about war
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and call the enemy on the phone…
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It's because I'm somehow trying
to ridicule things I think are ridiculous
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and lay them bare.
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Hello? Is this the enemy?
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Is this the en--?
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Could you stop the war for a moment?
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I said, could you
stop the war for a moment?
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Now I can hear you.
164
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I wanted to ask you something.
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Are you gonna advance tomorrow?
166
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Yes, but at what time?
167
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Okay, on Sunday, then?
168
00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:22,440
Sunday, but what time?
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At 7:00?
170
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We're all in bed at 7:00.
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Couldn't you do it in the afternoon?
172
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After the soccer match.
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Will there be many of you?
174
00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:38,760
Whoa, that's brutal.
175
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There won't be
enough bullets for everyone.
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Well, we'll shoot, and you can share them.
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Your spy was here yesterday.
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Agustín, short guy,
dressed like a flamenco dancer.
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He took the maps to our powder magazine.
180
00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:05,680
Tell him to return them.
They're the only ones we've got.
181
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:09,080
He can make copies and give them back.
182
00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:12,520
Yes, we can't find
the powder or the magazine.
183
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:14,440
All right? Okay.
184
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:18,360
One question.
Could you stop the war for an hour?
185
00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:19,360
One hour?
186
00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:23,160
Yes, our cannon's jammed.
187
00:09:23,240 --> 00:09:26,560
Our sergeant stuck his head in
to inspect it,
188
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and now he can't get it out.
189
00:09:28,920 --> 00:09:31,720
Yes, he's still alive.
He's saying, "Get me out of here!"
190
00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:32,920
Very much alive, yes.
191
00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:36,360
We tried soap.
192
00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:38,880
It made his hair blond,
but he's still stuck.
193
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:40,880
Oh, sure.
194
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:43,840
Yes, firing might unjam it.
195
00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:45,240
We hadn't thought of that.
196
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:51,080
So, we have an agreement, then?
See you on Sunday, yes? Right.
197
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Bye.
198
00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:04,160
I know, that's the bad thing about war.
199
00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:06,120
It's dangerous, you know?
200
00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:08,560
But it's got its advantages too.
201
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:12,320
I can double-park the tank if I want to.
202
00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:15,480
"Yes, I left it there. So what?"
203
00:10:15,560 --> 00:10:18,960
I tell the cop, "I'll blow your head off!"
He can't do a thing.
204
00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:21,000
Excuse me, I'm gonna make another call.
205
00:10:25,680 --> 00:10:27,120
All right. Hello.
206
00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:28,640
Is this the weapons factory?
207
00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:31,000
Yes, is Emilio in?
208
00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:33,200
Yes, the engineer.
209
00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:34,960
Put him on.
210
00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:37,320
It's the Army calling, yes.
211
00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:42,360
Emilio, I'm calling to file a complaint.
212
00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:45,400
Two of the six cannons you sent yesterday
213
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don't have holes.
214
00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:52,080
We're launching the shell
from the outside. I mean…
215
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:56,960
One guy pulls the trigger,
and another guy runs along with the shell.
216
00:10:57,960 --> 00:10:59,000
Yes.
217
00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:08,200
It's going okay.
The thing is he gets tired and drops it.
218
00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:12,360
We don't know where. They never come back.
219
00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:14,240
One more thing.
220
00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:17,680
The submarine you sent yesterday,
the color is fine,
221
00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:20,720
but it doesn't float. Not one bit.
222
00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:24,400
We sent it to the ocean floor
yesterday after lunch,
223
00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:25,920
and it still hasn't come up.
224
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:28,640
Oh, that was a ship?
225
00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:34,320
Well, it sure was hard to sink.
226
00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:47,120
Considering how much it cost,
you'd think it'd come with a user manual.
227
00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:50,440
No, send another. This one's wet. Go on.
228
00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:54,240
I wanted to ask,
how much for machine guns?
229
00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:56,360
What if we buy two?
230
00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:00,240
No, we're using a normal rifle.
231
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,480
We just get a guy
with a stutter to fire it.
232
00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:04,240
Sure.
233
00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:05,880
No, it's not the same.
234
00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:07,160
It doesn't kill as well.
235
00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:11,680
We also don't have any tanks.
236
00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:14,480
We just put a dwarf in a Fiat 600.
237
00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:16,480
Instead of shooting, he hurls insults.
238
00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:20,000
No, it doesn't kill, but it hurts morale.
239
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:25,080
So, let's see,
send me two discount missiles,
240
00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:26,600
an antiaircraft gun,
241
00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:28,040
and that's it.
242
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:29,880
Oh, and an assortment of bullets.
243
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:32,560
We'll leave it at that, all right?
244
00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:34,840
All right, see you Sunday.
245
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:37,280
Have a nice killing.
246
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:38,640
Bye.
247
00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:49,560
These seats suck.
We're such losers. The worst seats.
248
00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:52,520
What? We have box seats.
This is the fancy stuff.
249
00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:53,640
This is the worst.
250
00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:57,120
You told me there'd be funny people.
I saw the program and Vaquero's here.
251
00:12:57,840 --> 00:12:59,240
Good evening.
252
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:00,200
How are you?
253
00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:06,440
I'll tell you in a second
what I've brought here.
254
00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:10,160
I really liked Ernesto's part. Fantastic.
255
00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:11,440
He called the enemy.
256
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:14,800
Gila also called the enemy many times.
257
00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:17,800
But the enemy called me.
258
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:19,760
He said, "I have something for you."
259
00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:21,480
"What?" "A cassette tape."
260
00:13:21,560 --> 00:13:22,920
I've got it right here.
261
00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:27,000
I said, "What is it, Enemy? Tell me."
He said, "No. Play it."
262
00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:30,040
So, I thought of something
that might be nice.
263
00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:32,400
I'll rewind the tape. Just a moment.
264
00:13:33,320 --> 00:13:35,280
Right to the start. There.
265
00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:38,720
So that, for the first time,
we can see Miguel Gila
266
00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:42,760
while hearing what he heard on the phone.
267
00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:44,800
This is the first time anyone's ever…
268
00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:49,960
You'll be the first to hear
the real voice of the enemy.
269
00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:52,160
Let's play the video
and tape at the same time.
270
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:53,440
Play the video, please.
271
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:57,680
I'll press play
at the exact point so that it fits.
272
00:13:58,640 --> 00:13:59,920
Let's see…
273
00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:07,760
-Is this the enemy?
-Yes.
274
00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:09,600
Could you stop the war for a moment?
275
00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:10,680
What's that?
276
00:14:10,760 --> 00:14:12,480
Could you stop the war for a moment?
277
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:13,480
Can you hear me?
278
00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:15,280
-Now I can hear you.
-Okay.
279
00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:17,640
-I wanted to ask you something.
-What is it?
280
00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:19,000
-I…
-What is it?
281
00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:20,920
Are you gonna advance tomorrow?
282
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:22,440
-Yes.
-At what time?
283
00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:23,760
No, sorry. Not tomorrow.
284
00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:25,280
-When?
-Sunday.
285
00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:27,200
Sunday, but what time?
286
00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:28,640
At 7:00 a.m.
287
00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:30,520
We're all in bed at 7:00.
288
00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:31,480
I'm sorry.
289
00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:34,040
-Couldn't you do it in the afternoon?
-At what time?
290
00:14:34,120 --> 00:14:35,280
After the soccer match.
291
00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:38,120
-Okay, after the soccer match.
-Will there be many of you?
292
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:39,480
Around 400.
293
00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:41,800
-Whoa, that's brutal.
-It's a lot, isn't it?
294
00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:44,560
-There won't be enough bullets.
-It is what it is, sir.
295
00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:47,120
Well, we'll shoot, and you can share them.
296
00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:48,680
Great. Good idea.
297
00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:51,080
Your spy was here yesterday.
298
00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:52,480
-Which one?
-Agustín.
299
00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:54,520
Short guy, dressed like a flamenco dancer.
300
00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:57,040
-Oh, yes.
-He took the maps to our powder magazine.
301
00:14:57,120 --> 00:14:58,960
Return them. They're the only ones.
302
00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:00,200
We want to keep them.
303
00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:02,880
He can make copies and give them back.
304
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:04,160
Do you need the map?
305
00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:07,200
Yes, we can't find
the powder or the magazine.
306
00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:09,200
We'll bring it over tomorrow.
307
00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:10,200
Okay.
308
00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:11,400
-One question.
-Yes?
309
00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:14,080
-Could you stop the war for an hour or so?
-Why?
310
00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:16,400
-Our cannon is jammed.
-How'd that happen?
311
00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:18,320
Our sergeant stuck his head in
312
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:20,800
to inspect it,
and now he can't get it out.
313
00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:22,160
Is he alive or…?
314
00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:24,840
He's still alive.
We heard him say, "Get me out of here!"
315
00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:26,920
The poor man.
316
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:30,120
We tried soap. It made his hair blond,
but he's still stuck.
317
00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:32,040
Maybe it will unjam if you shoot it.
318
00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:34,200
You're right. Firing might unjam it.
319
00:15:34,280 --> 00:15:36,680
-Of course.
-We hadn't thought of that.
320
00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:37,800
Don't worry.
321
00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:40,360
-So, we have an agreement, then?
-We attack on Sunday.
322
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,840
Okay, see you on Sunday.
Have a nice killing.
323
00:15:42,920 --> 00:15:44,400
-Likewise. Bye.
-Bye.
324
00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:46,080
Goodbye!
325
00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:53,120
My childhood was very happy
because I was a bit of a nomad.
326
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:55,800
I'd roll my hoop
all the way to Canillejas.
327
00:15:55,880 --> 00:16:02,480
And I'd play tip-cat
from Chamartín to Carabanchel.
328
00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:06,320
But it was a happy and fun childhood.
329
00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:08,880
We kids spent lots of time on the street.
330
00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:10,800
It was a lot of fun.
331
00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:22,000
Don't clap too soon.
I haven't started. You might regret it.
332
00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:24,880
I'm here to talk about
the problem with young folks.
333
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:27,320
You'll say, "They just have one problem."
334
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:30,800
Yes, I'm here to talk about
the young folks' housing problem.
335
00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:33,760
We have a tiny problem with this.
We young people, I mean.
336
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,440
What are you laughing at?
Victoria, I heard you.
337
00:16:41,720 --> 00:16:44,040
It's true. It's not that
there are no apartments.
338
00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:45,800
There are, but it's just…
339
00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:48,200
Look, two Saturdays ago,
340
00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:50,680
a young friend
invited me to lunch at his place.
341
00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:54,720
Yes, I'm not young,
but I have young folks in my contacts.
342
00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:59,000
He said, "I moved. Come by and visit."
I said, "Great. Send me the location."
343
00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:03,360
He's like, "You don't need the location.
It's easy to get here. Very simple."
344
00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:07,280
"Take the Toledo highway,
go through Cuatro Vientos."
345
00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:10,080
"You'll see a little square
with a streetlamp."
346
00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:14,080
"Go past it,
and in 200 meters, turn left."
347
00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:16,840
"Take the second right,
on Obispo Nicólas Street."
348
00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:18,840
I said, "Okay." He said, "Keep going."
349
00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:22,520
"At the third traffic light,
after the bridge, turn left."
350
00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:24,400
"Go on for six or seven kilometers."
351
00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:27,200
"You'll see a square. Keep going."
352
00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:31,480
"Go past the level crossing,
and in 200 meters, there's an avenue."
353
00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:32,400
"Two, actually."
354
00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:35,000
"The one on the left goes to Cascajuelos."
355
00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:38,120
"Don't take it
or you'll be stuck until Butrillo."
356
00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:39,800
"No, take the one on the right."
357
00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:43,960
"Eight kilometers down is a detour
that says 'Fresh Air Estate.'"
358
00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:50,400
"Keep going, and after two kilometers,
you'll see a restaurant called Hot Soup."
359
00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:53,080
"Don't get distracted,
take the right just behind it,
360
00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:54,320
and take the tunnel."
361
00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:58,160
"Go through the tunnel,
then you'll see two roads."
362
00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:00,560
"One to the hospital
and the other to El Moñigal."
363
00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:02,680
"Head for El Moñigal."
364
00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:05,960
"Then you'll see some houses
with slate roof tiles."
365
00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:10,720
"Keep going, take the first right,
second left, roundabout,
366
00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:12,840
right, U-turn, second left."
367
00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:16,120
"You'll see a house with a garden.
Keep going. Mine's the third one."
368
00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:24,080
"You won't believe
how quiet it is out here."
369
00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:26,280
He says to me…
370
00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:29,680
He goes, "You just can't live
in the city center anymore."
371
00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:31,600
He says,
372
00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:34,640
"Too much noise and pollution.
I moved to the outskirts."
373
00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:37,160
I said, "Outskirts? Of what, Portugal?"
374
00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:40,720
It was different before.
375
00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:43,440
In our grandparents' time.
That was a different story.
376
00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:45,960
The apartments back then…
377
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:48,320
Any kind you wanted,
they'd throw them at you.
378
00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:51,600
You'd go out, they'd throw them at you.
You'd bring two home.
379
00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:54,360
Your popsicle stick would say,
"You've won an apartment."
380
00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:57,200
"Again?" It wore you out, you know?
381
00:18:57,280 --> 00:18:59,560
"What do I do with it? Where do I put it?"
382
00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:01,160
These apartments…
383
00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:03,760
The house my grandparents lived in…
384
00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:07,800
It was like the part
of El Escorial Monastery
385
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:09,920
that Philip II couldn't
be bothered finishing.
386
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:13,480
My grandpa said, "Don't mind if I do."
The size of that house.
387
00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:14,560
Wonderful.
388
00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:16,200
It had six bedrooms.
389
00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:18,120
Six of them.
390
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:20,400
And four double bathrooms.
391
00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:23,840
Bathrooms inside bathrooms,
like bars have.
392
00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:26,160
It was incredible. Two dining rooms.
393
00:19:26,240 --> 00:19:29,200
One for daily use
and one for celebrations.
394
00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:32,720
Two kitchens, so you could choose
where you'd do the dishes.
395
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:36,080
The living room had six balconies,
all facing the sea.
396
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:38,680
And this was in Madrid!
397
00:19:40,360 --> 00:19:41,840
Amazing.
398
00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:44,120
It was nuts how extravagant…
399
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:45,640
Balconies, hallways…
400
00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:49,040
In the middle of a hallway,
a shower inside a roundabout.
401
00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:50,320
Nuts.
402
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:52,240
The house had three postcodes.
403
00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:55,680
Naturally. Know how much they paid
every month?
404
00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:58,040
Well, every once in a while.
405
00:19:58,120 --> 00:20:00,760
In those days, you'd go to pay
and the landlord would say,
406
00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:04,280
"Why argue? Buy the kids
something nice and we're even."
407
00:20:04,360 --> 00:20:05,760
"That'll do."
408
00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:08,720
What a difference from
apartments these days.
409
00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:11,640
My cousin Laura just left home. Damn…
410
00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:13,920
Rent was all right, in the end.
411
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:15,080
She's paying,
412
00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:16,640
well, her whole salary.
413
00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:20,680
She doesn't even get the…
Her paycheck goes straight through.
414
00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:22,360
It bypasses her bank account.
415
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:24,960
Why bother?
416
00:20:26,120 --> 00:20:26,960
No.
417
00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:30,760
They require one of her vital organs. One!
418
00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:34,920
As a deposit. They'll return it
if she doesn't destroy the place.
419
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:35,920
Not a problem.
420
00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:38,080
Not too bad.
421
00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:40,880
My cousin Laura's not doing too bad.
Very lucky, honestly.
422
00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:43,680
Rent is pretty tricky. It's better to buy.
423
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:47,440
Nowadays, banks will just
give you a house if you want one.
424
00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:49,720
They just give it to you.
425
00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:53,120
Trust me, bankers are wonderful people.
426
00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:56,720
They are.
427
00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:58,840
They're great.
428
00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:05,080
You go up like, "Can I get a house?"
and they say, "Yes."
429
00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:09,440
Their heart is always in the right place.
430
00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:13,440
They're down in a sewer drain saying,
"Come, I'll give you a house. Come."
431
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:18,200
Sure, they have to ask you
for a small commission fee.
432
00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:21,400
Something like, I don't know, 80%.
It's not a lot.
433
00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:25,200
It's the thought that counts.
They don't ask for much.
434
00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:30,200
Listen, what time is it?
435
00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:32,840
That late? And today is Tuesday.
436
00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:35,800
I gotta go. I'm visiting my friend
from the outskirts on Saturday,
437
00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:38,720
and I gotta run to make it on time.
Thanks a lot, good night!
438
00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:39,920
It's been an honor.
439
00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:47,800
I don't get why we're up here.
440
00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:50,560
We should be down there
with the other comics, representing.
441
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:52,160
Show our faces.
442
00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:53,840
Do I embarrass you?
443
00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:55,080
Yes, you do.
444
00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:02,520
How are you?
445
00:22:03,040 --> 00:22:04,080
How's it going?
446
00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:05,760
All right?
447
00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:08,280
I'm traveling now. Ah, traveling…
448
00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:12,920
The worst part for me about traveling
is choosing how to get around.
449
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:16,360
You ask yourself,
"What's best? By car? Train?"
450
00:22:17,280 --> 00:22:18,680
"Bus? Plane?"
451
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:21,160
They all have their pros and cons.
452
00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:22,680
I love airplanes.
453
00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:25,160
They're clean, comfortable, fast.
454
00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:28,400
The pilots are elegant,
well-spoken people.
455
00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:29,400
Like politicians,
456
00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:30,600
but well-spoken.
457
00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:33,080
Yes, I like airplanes.
458
00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:34,520
I like trains too.
459
00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:36,000
Trains these days.
460
00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:39,360
I don't know
if you remember trains before.
461
00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:41,400
The wooden seats were hard as a rock.
462
00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:43,600
Some were missing boards.
463
00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:46,320
Hotel staff would ask,
"Anything to iron, sir?"
464
00:22:46,400 --> 00:22:49,160
"Yes, please iron my butt if possible."
465
00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:52,760
The worst thing, by far,
about traveling is jet lag.
466
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:55,280
It's like you took the wrong meds.
467
00:22:55,920 --> 00:23:00,200
You'll lose your phone and find yourself
ten minutes later looking for it
468
00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:02,040
using the flashlight on your phone.
469
00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:06,560
Everything's backward.
470
00:23:06,640 --> 00:23:11,320
You'll arrive in Thailand at 8:00 a.m.,
which is midnight here in Spain.
471
00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:13,600
Someone's like, "It's a quarter to nine."
472
00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:15,840
You're like, "Yes, but what year is it?"
473
00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:18,040
It's terrible. Everything's upside down.
474
00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:20,080
So, I'm traveling now.
475
00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:22,400
I'm in Africa,
476
00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:23,560
as you can see,
477
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:28,440
in the jungle,
and I still haven't called my wife.
478
00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:30,080
I'm going to call her.
479
00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:36,120
I'll paint you a picture here.
480
00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:47,040
Hello?
481
00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:49,520
Julita, I'm in--
482
00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:52,080
Yes, the jungle, in Africa.
483
00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:53,360
Yes, in the wild.
484
00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:58,400
We were in Algeciras, and your dad said,
"Why don't we go to Africa?"
485
00:23:58,480 --> 00:23:59,800
So, here we are.
486
00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:03,160
No, I'm calling
for you to bring me a compass.
487
00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:04,600
I didn't bring one.
488
00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:08,080
I'm using my watch, but every time
I want to head south, it says it's 4:15.
489
00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:10,960
Yes. One more thing.
490
00:24:11,040 --> 00:24:12,920
See if you can bring me a tap.
491
00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:15,480
Yes. A cold water tap.
492
00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:19,800
No. It's not that they shut it off,
it's that there is none.
493
00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:22,240
There's a watering hole
with 20 wildebeest,
494
00:24:22,320 --> 00:24:23,800
but it looks kind of crowded.
495
00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:27,240
Yes. It's not too bad.
496
00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:29,440
Yesterday I killed a Leopold.
497
00:24:30,320 --> 00:24:32,680
I mean, a leopar-- A Leonard.
498
00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:35,680
I even took a photo.
499
00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:38,520
Well, yeah, you have a point.
500
00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:42,680
"I'm very sorry.
I made a mistake. It won't happen again."
501
00:24:46,960 --> 00:24:47,800
Yes.
502
00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:52,400
Gila didn't say that part. That was…
503
00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:58,880
Listen, your brother got his leg bit off
by a crocodile, and he's limping.
504
00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:00,880
Not the crocodile, your brother.
505
00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:06,240
He was using the binoculars backwards
and said, "Look at that, a lizard!"
506
00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:09,200
This guy… Yes?
507
00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:12,880
Crocodiles are the ones
that look like your bag,
508
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:14,840
but they've got teeth and no handles.
509
00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:16,760
Yes.
510
00:25:16,840 --> 00:25:20,440
Listen, a gorilla took off with Julito.
511
00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:22,720
Tell his girlfriend not to wait for him.
512
00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:25,960
I don't know.
It didn't seem to mean any harm.
513
00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:28,880
He seemed like a polite gorilla.
514
00:25:29,680 --> 00:25:32,840
Though, I doubt Julito
will survive the wedding night.
515
00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:37,400
Yes. We also saw vultures.
516
00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:40,160
Those are the huge, nasty birds
517
00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:42,560
with long necks and feathers.
518
00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:46,080
They look like your sister
when she dresses up for the opera.
519
00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:47,680
Anyway…
520
00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:50,280
Yes, it's dangerous out here.
521
00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:53,160
I saw a friend
who hunts lions the other day.
522
00:25:53,240 --> 00:25:54,600
He told me he almost died.
523
00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:56,360
He was looking for lions,
524
00:25:56,440 --> 00:25:59,320
lifted a branch, and a lion appeared.
525
00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:00,280
Right there.
526
00:26:00,360 --> 00:26:02,480
"What did it say?" The lion went…
527
00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:07,640
I'm like, "That's not a roar."
He goes, "It was facing the other way."
528
00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:14,560
Well, that saved him.
529
00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:17,760
It saved him. Yes?
530
00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:21,320
No, in the end,
there's no place like home.
531
00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:23,880
Call me if anything comes up.
532
00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:26,560
All right, big kiss. See you.
533
00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:39,040
I'm so happy to be here tonight
because I'm a huge Gila fan.
534
00:26:39,120 --> 00:26:40,160
-You are?
-Huge.
535
00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:42,000
What's your favorite bit of his?
536
00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:45,440
The one where he's like,
"You heard the one about…?" You know?
537
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:46,680
Dude, that's Eugenio.
538
00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:50,720
Hi.
539
00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:53,680
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
540
00:26:53,760 --> 00:26:54,960
Thank you very much.
541
00:26:57,560 --> 00:26:58,680
How are you doing?
542
00:26:58,760 --> 00:27:01,640
Before we start,
I'm going to tell you a joke.
543
00:27:01,720 --> 00:27:03,640
-A joke?
-A joke I just heard.
544
00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:06,800
-A joke?
-Yes. About the fish and the doctor.
545
00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:08,440
-Have you heard it?
-No.
546
00:27:08,520 --> 00:27:13,120
So, there's this doctor
fishing by the river.
547
00:27:13,200 --> 00:27:16,960
And suddenly, a fish pops up and says,
548
00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:20,840
"Doc, I need a prescription for worms."
549
00:27:20,920 --> 00:27:23,520
Amazing.
550
00:27:24,360 --> 00:27:25,200
A great joke.
551
00:27:26,800 --> 00:27:28,240
I don't…
552
00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:31,520
I'm sorry, but I don't get it.
553
00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:33,880
What do you mean? It's pretty obvious.
554
00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:36,240
You use worms to catch fish.
555
00:27:36,320 --> 00:27:39,720
So, the fish asks the doctor
for a prescription for worms.
556
00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:43,160
But I don't get the link between
fish caught with worms
557
00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:47,880
and the doctor prescribing something
for an intestinal ailment
558
00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:49,640
like having worms.
559
00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:51,640
Look, never mind.
560
00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:54,960
I just wanted to tell a joke
at a comedy show. I apologize.
561
00:27:55,040 --> 00:27:57,080
Maybe I went too far.
562
00:27:57,160 --> 00:28:00,680
I'm not gonna be pedantic,
but I'll explain it, okay?
563
00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:04,000
In Freud's Jokes and Their Relation
to the Unconscious,
564
00:28:04,080 --> 00:28:08,480
it says jokes are built upon
deviations from normal thought.
565
00:28:08,560 --> 00:28:10,200
Philosopher Thomas Vischer
566
00:28:11,080 --> 00:28:13,920
defines a joke as the ability
567
00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:17,160
to bind into a unity,
with surprising rapidity,
568
00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:20,040
several ideas which are,
in fact, alien to one another
569
00:28:20,120 --> 00:28:24,080
both in their internal content
and the nexus to which they belong.
570
00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:26,240
Well, then…
571
00:28:26,320 --> 00:28:29,000
First, I want to thank you
for not being pedantic.
572
00:28:29,080 --> 00:28:30,400
It's something I…
573
00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:38,800
I really hate when people
get pedantic and lecture you.
574
00:28:38,880 --> 00:28:40,600
So, thanks for not doing that.
575
00:28:40,680 --> 00:28:47,000
And, second, maybe the joke
doesn't fit what Freud and Vischer pose.
576
00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:50,720
-No.
-And from a theoretical perspective,
577
00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:52,640
maybe the joke's not fucking funny.
578
00:28:52,720 --> 00:28:54,520
I'll also say that it's Gila's joke.
579
00:28:54,600 --> 00:28:58,480
Well, I guess Gila had bad days too.
580
00:28:58,560 --> 00:29:00,280
-It's totally fine.
-I don't know.
581
00:29:00,360 --> 00:29:04,160
I don't know. I liked the joke.
But I guess I'm the weird one.
582
00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:07,520
I guess my friends are right
when they say,
583
00:29:07,600 --> 00:29:08,840
"You're very weird."
584
00:29:08,920 --> 00:29:10,160
By friends,
585
00:29:11,280 --> 00:29:12,440
you just mean me?
586
00:29:12,520 --> 00:29:14,960
-Yes, you. The one friend I've got.
-Okay.
587
00:29:15,760 --> 00:29:17,640
But you are weird, Róber.
588
00:29:17,720 --> 00:29:19,240
You're weird and you know it.
589
00:29:19,320 --> 00:29:22,760
I'm mean, I'm not saying
I don't have quirks, but everybody does.
590
00:29:22,840 --> 00:29:28,000
I admit that I get annoyed by some things
that don't bother most people.
591
00:29:28,080 --> 00:29:29,600
For example,
592
00:29:29,680 --> 00:29:32,880
getting short-changed
is something that annoys me.
593
00:29:32,960 --> 00:29:35,440
I go for coffee
and give the waiter 20 euros,
594
00:29:35,520 --> 00:29:38,400
and he brings me change for 10.
That annoys me.
595
00:29:38,480 --> 00:29:40,000
Maybe if you paid with coins,
596
00:29:40,080 --> 00:29:43,960
he wouldn't need to run back and forth
for something that costs 1.50,
597
00:29:44,040 --> 00:29:46,440
and he wouldn't screw you over.
But if you're a jerk…
598
00:29:46,520 --> 00:29:49,920
Yes, I know it's a pain in the ass
for the waiter to run back and forth
599
00:29:50,000 --> 00:29:52,600
three or four times for each coffee.
600
00:29:52,680 --> 00:29:56,360
In fact, out of politeness,
I take whatever change he leaves me
601
00:29:56,440 --> 00:29:57,760
and don't say a word.
602
00:29:57,840 --> 00:30:01,120
So, it's one thing to screw me over once.
Consider it a tip.
603
00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:03,200
But every fucking morning…
604
00:30:03,720 --> 00:30:04,720
-Yes.
-It pisses me off.
605
00:30:04,800 --> 00:30:07,000
I think I can be open about this with you.
606
00:30:07,080 --> 00:30:08,480
I was also annoyed
607
00:30:08,560 --> 00:30:10,640
by that junkie who mugged me with a knife.
608
00:30:10,720 --> 00:30:14,200
Were you expecting him
to mug you with a baguette or something?
609
00:30:14,280 --> 00:30:17,880
Look, I'm not objecting
to the junkie's MO.
610
00:30:17,960 --> 00:30:21,120
In fact, the MO was very effective.
611
00:30:21,640 --> 00:30:23,440
I'm objecting to the mugging itself.
612
00:30:23,520 --> 00:30:27,120
What a lack of empathy towards
someone struggling with addiction,
613
00:30:27,200 --> 00:30:29,720
who has no choice but to mug people.
614
00:30:29,800 --> 00:30:32,480
Just shut up and give him what you've got.
615
00:30:32,560 --> 00:30:36,200
-Simple as that.
-I did. I gave him everything I had on me.
616
00:30:36,280 --> 00:30:38,200
I'm aware of his condition.
617
00:30:38,280 --> 00:30:41,480
But it annoys me that,
despite me giving him the money,
618
00:30:41,560 --> 00:30:43,280
he still stabbed me twice.
619
00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:47,920
I think the agreement is that if you
cough up the money, you don't get stabbed.
620
00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:51,680
You're saying it
as if he'd killed you or something.
621
00:30:51,760 --> 00:30:54,320
You didn't even need stitches, Róber.
622
00:30:54,400 --> 00:30:56,920
You're making more money
telling us how you got stabbed
623
00:30:57,000 --> 00:30:58,680
than he did by mugging you.
624
00:30:58,760 --> 00:30:59,760
Let's be honest.
625
00:31:00,760 --> 00:31:02,120
-Come on, man.
-I guess.
626
00:31:02,640 --> 00:31:03,480
Róber…
627
00:31:06,160 --> 00:31:09,080
You got a great story out of it.
628
00:31:09,160 --> 00:31:12,720
Okay, I get it. I'm clearly the weird one.
629
00:31:12,800 --> 00:31:15,480
I'd like to say I'm not
and not get so annoyed.
630
00:31:15,560 --> 00:31:17,480
Like you. You never get stressed, man.
631
00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:20,960
Your girlfriend's cheated on you
1,000 times, and you don't seem to mind.
632
00:31:21,680 --> 00:31:26,440
It's called a polyamorous relationship.
It's about time you get with it.
633
00:31:26,520 --> 00:31:29,200
I've told you 1,000 times.
It's a polyamorous relationship.
634
00:31:30,160 --> 00:31:32,280
Being weird is one thing,
being backward is another.
635
00:31:32,360 --> 00:31:35,880
We can both have casual relationships
with anyone we want,
636
00:31:35,960 --> 00:31:38,760
whenever we want, period.
That's the agreement.
637
00:31:38,840 --> 00:31:41,280
But I'm currently not too fussed about it.
638
00:31:41,360 --> 00:31:42,520
I'm not fussed.
639
00:31:42,600 --> 00:31:45,520
I'd rather watch TV shows
than go out every night
640
00:31:45,600 --> 00:31:47,640
and have sex with different people.
641
00:31:47,720 --> 00:31:50,800
But she's not into TV shows.
Okay, then. Fine.
642
00:31:55,200 --> 00:31:57,360
I don't know. I got cheated on once.
643
00:31:57,440 --> 00:31:59,000
It messed me up.
644
00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:00,440
I was angry.
645
00:32:00,520 --> 00:32:02,400
In fact, I still haven't gotten over it,
646
00:32:02,480 --> 00:32:05,920
and I'm probably taking it out
on the poor waiter,
647
00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:08,000
the poor junkie, and the thieves.
648
00:32:08,080 --> 00:32:10,920
Well, man, it's okay.
You'll meet someone soon.
649
00:32:11,000 --> 00:32:12,240
Don't you worry.
650
00:32:12,320 --> 00:32:13,960
I haven't lost hope.
651
00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:17,600
I don't know, I guess
there are plenty of fish in the sea.
652
00:32:18,200 --> 00:32:19,240
There sure are,
653
00:32:19,320 --> 00:32:21,720
but are you gonna have
a relationship with a fish?
654
00:32:22,640 --> 00:32:25,440
No, by "fish," I mean "people."
655
00:32:25,520 --> 00:32:28,200
So, there are plenty of people in the sea?
656
00:32:28,280 --> 00:32:31,680
I mean, there'll be a few,
but it seems weird
657
00:32:31,760 --> 00:32:33,680
to meet people in the sea.
658
00:32:35,080 --> 00:32:35,920
I don't know.
659
00:32:36,440 --> 00:32:39,840
Besides, you don't look good
in a swimsuit. It's weird, man.
660
00:32:39,920 --> 00:32:42,200
And… I don't know…
661
00:32:42,720 --> 00:32:44,680
What sea are we talking about?
662
00:32:44,760 --> 00:32:48,160
Is it the Red Sea, the Black Sea?
What sea is it?
663
00:32:48,240 --> 00:32:51,120
By "the sea," I mean out there.
In the street, in bars.
664
00:32:51,200 --> 00:32:53,200
There are plenty of people out there.
665
00:32:54,200 --> 00:32:58,160
Sorry for not understanding
the way you speak.
666
00:32:58,240 --> 00:33:01,080
It'd be nice if you didn't always
take everything literally.
667
00:33:01,160 --> 00:33:02,360
What is that?
668
00:33:02,440 --> 00:33:04,000
Fish are people.
669
00:33:04,640 --> 00:33:07,080
-And the sea is the street.
-That's it.
670
00:33:08,120 --> 00:33:10,160
So, the fish joke
671
00:33:11,040 --> 00:33:12,160
is about a person
672
00:33:13,400 --> 00:33:15,680
who's not in the sea, but in the street.
673
00:33:16,520 --> 00:33:19,880
In that case, it makes sense
for it to ask the doctor
674
00:33:19,960 --> 00:33:23,960
for a prescription for worms.
675
00:33:24,040 --> 00:33:25,680
I guess that makes sense.
676
00:33:26,200 --> 00:33:27,480
-Sure.
-Yes.
677
00:33:28,320 --> 00:33:30,000
Yes. That was the joke.
678
00:33:30,080 --> 00:33:33,520
The funny part
is that everything makes sense.
679
00:33:33,600 --> 00:33:35,680
-Okay.
-That's what Gila tried to achieve.
680
00:33:35,760 --> 00:33:39,280
To tell very reasonable stories
that lacked any humor.
681
00:33:39,360 --> 00:33:42,200
So that 20 years later,
we'd all gather here
682
00:33:42,280 --> 00:33:45,240
to listen to his dullest stories.
683
00:33:45,320 --> 00:33:46,920
That's what people want.
684
00:33:47,000 --> 00:33:50,720
To spend money
to listen to dull and boring stuff.
685
00:33:50,800 --> 00:33:52,320
Gila's boring stuff.
686
00:33:52,840 --> 00:33:54,840
And I'm the weird one? Come on!
687
00:33:54,920 --> 00:33:55,760
Go to hell.
688
00:33:56,640 --> 00:33:57,480
Thank you.
689
00:34:01,760 --> 00:34:04,480
People always say to me,
"You're really weird."
690
00:34:04,560 --> 00:34:07,920
I'm sorry, I have a personality.
Maybe you don't have one.
691
00:34:08,000 --> 00:34:11,040
BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PERSONALITY
692
00:34:11,120 --> 00:34:13,680
Do I consider myself weird?
I've always been distinct.
693
00:34:13,760 --> 00:34:16,840
At school, in my neighborhood…
694
00:34:16,920 --> 00:34:18,280
At uni. Always distinct.
695
00:34:18,360 --> 00:34:21,360
BASIC DISTINCT
696
00:34:21,440 --> 00:34:23,160
I'm not into soccer.
697
00:34:23,240 --> 00:34:24,480
I don't watch TV,
698
00:34:24,560 --> 00:34:28,880
but I'm into things like films,
fashion, urban music…
699
00:34:28,960 --> 00:34:30,320
Not the typical stuff.
700
00:34:30,400 --> 00:34:33,440
HE'S A PART OF THE OTHER 50%
701
00:34:33,520 --> 00:34:35,800
I don't see myself in a conventional job.
702
00:34:35,880 --> 00:34:37,560
A nine-to-five, going to the office.
703
00:34:37,640 --> 00:34:39,160
Prepacked lunch, on the subway.
704
00:34:39,240 --> 00:34:40,080
I'm a free guy.
705
00:34:40,160 --> 00:34:43,000
HAS WEALTHY PARENTS
706
00:34:43,080 --> 00:34:46,160
I'm drinking kombucha.
Do you know what kombucha is?
707
00:34:46,240 --> 00:34:49,280
Have you ever tried kombucha?
Kombucha is the only thing I drink.
708
00:34:49,360 --> 00:34:52,360
HE GETS IT: ANYWHERE
709
00:34:52,440 --> 00:34:54,800
Seitan sandwich because I'm a flexitarian.
710
00:34:54,880 --> 00:34:57,760
It's like being a vegan,
but eating animal products.
711
00:34:57,840 --> 00:34:59,320
This has eggs and cheese.
712
00:34:59,400 --> 00:35:02,480
WHAT A PAIR
713
00:35:02,560 --> 00:35:04,880
Wear this in my hometown? No way.
714
00:35:04,960 --> 00:35:10,200
WEIRDO + WEIRDO
715
00:35:10,280 --> 00:35:12,080
ORDINARY
716
00:35:12,160 --> 00:35:15,240
I started wearing these shirts
before anyone else did.
717
00:35:17,280 --> 00:35:18,360
What's up?
718
00:35:21,760 --> 00:35:23,760
Hello. How are you doing?
719
00:35:24,960 --> 00:35:26,000
How are you?
720
00:35:26,680 --> 00:35:28,640
I'm gonna do a little stand-up.
721
00:35:29,400 --> 00:35:33,040
But excuse me,
because I have to make a call first.
722
00:35:33,560 --> 00:35:34,840
It'll only be a sec.
723
00:35:35,360 --> 00:35:36,760
Just a moment.
724
00:35:36,840 --> 00:35:42,840
Let's see, contacts.
"Ch, chu, chur, church."
725
00:35:42,920 --> 00:35:44,520
"Church…" I've got a few.
726
00:35:44,600 --> 00:35:48,800
"Saint, Saint Ben…
Saint Benedict." That's the one.
727
00:35:52,080 --> 00:35:55,160
Hello. Is this
the church of Saint Benedict?
728
00:35:55,240 --> 00:35:57,360
Put Saint Benedict on. I mean, the priest.
729
00:35:58,320 --> 00:35:59,880
I'm a member of the congregation.
730
00:36:00,960 --> 00:36:01,840
Thank you.
731
00:36:04,360 --> 00:36:06,200
Don Faustino. How are you?
732
00:36:06,280 --> 00:36:07,440
It's me, Joaquín.
733
00:36:07,520 --> 00:36:09,720
I'm calling to find out
how much you charge,
734
00:36:09,800 --> 00:36:12,040
in the old pesetas,
to officiate a wedding.
735
00:36:13,720 --> 00:36:15,760
Man and woman. An old-school wedding.
736
00:36:17,840 --> 00:36:21,360
No, it's not for me. It's for my cousin.
737
00:36:21,440 --> 00:36:24,040
He wants to marry an American woman.
738
00:36:24,120 --> 00:36:26,840
Heather. That's her name.
My cousin's name is Federico.
739
00:36:28,280 --> 00:36:29,200
Yes.
740
00:36:30,840 --> 00:36:32,360
That's outrageous.
741
00:36:32,880 --> 00:36:34,600
No, that's a lot of money.
742
00:36:34,680 --> 00:36:37,800
We weren't planning a low-cost wedding,
but something mid-range.
743
00:36:38,760 --> 00:36:39,920
No, that's…
744
00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:42,680
What? That's a fortune.
745
00:36:43,520 --> 00:36:46,960
For starters, you're putting
a carpet from the door to the car.
746
00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:51,480
I think what we can do is
park at the door and place a doormat.
747
00:36:52,640 --> 00:36:54,960
That way,
people don't get the floor dirty.
748
00:36:56,320 --> 00:36:57,760
What else can we do?
749
00:36:57,840 --> 00:36:59,400
No, the choir can go too.
750
00:37:00,240 --> 00:37:01,440
We'll get rid of the choir
751
00:37:02,200 --> 00:37:04,240
and play a C. Tangana song.
752
00:37:05,800 --> 00:37:06,640
Yes.
753
00:37:10,760 --> 00:37:13,760
Yes. Hold on.
Don't applaud, I can't hear him.
754
00:37:15,680 --> 00:37:17,360
Any of them. They're all bangers.
755
00:37:20,720 --> 00:37:23,920
That one, Don Faustino. That's a good one.
756
00:37:24,000 --> 00:37:25,480
I was an atheist
757
00:37:26,160 --> 00:37:27,760
But now I believe
758
00:37:27,840 --> 00:37:30,480
Because a miracle like you…
759
00:37:31,160 --> 00:37:32,360
That's it.
760
00:37:32,440 --> 00:37:33,480
The only thing is…
761
00:37:34,160 --> 00:37:36,360
My cousin says
762
00:37:36,440 --> 00:37:39,920
that even though it's a simple wedding,
he wants it to last at least six years.
763
00:37:41,080 --> 00:37:44,320
No. Don't get me started, Don Faustino.
764
00:37:44,400 --> 00:37:47,960
You performed my brother Ernesto's wedding
and said, "Till death do you part,"
765
00:37:48,040 --> 00:37:50,640
but they were split up by a life coach.
766
00:37:52,600 --> 00:37:53,480
One more thing.
767
00:37:53,560 --> 00:37:56,320
Yes, does my cousin
have to bring his own bride,
768
00:37:57,760 --> 00:37:59,880
or can you provide one?
769
00:37:59,960 --> 00:38:02,560
No, because the American girl
is kind of plain.
770
00:38:02,640 --> 00:38:04,160
You might have a prettier one.
771
00:38:05,360 --> 00:38:06,760
Is my cousin handsome?
772
00:38:06,840 --> 00:38:08,880
He's uglier than the back end of a bus.
773
00:38:10,160 --> 00:38:11,920
They're not much of a couple.
774
00:38:13,000 --> 00:38:17,000
Not your bride. I meant a spare one.
Since so many get cold feet.
775
00:38:17,920 --> 00:38:19,160
All right, then. Okay.
776
00:38:19,680 --> 00:38:23,120
We'll bring the godparents,
and you'll provide the altar boys.
777
00:38:23,200 --> 00:38:24,280
Great. Okay.
778
00:38:25,560 --> 00:38:26,760
Are you open on Sundays?
779
00:38:28,520 --> 00:38:30,480
They work during the week.
780
00:38:31,200 --> 00:38:32,600
Well, I think that's it.
781
00:38:33,480 --> 00:38:37,440
Yes, I'll give you a two-day notice
so you're not caught off guard.
782
00:38:37,960 --> 00:38:39,480
Okay, Don Faustino.
783
00:38:39,560 --> 00:38:40,840
Okay, yes.
784
00:38:40,920 --> 00:38:42,480
When am I getting married?
785
00:38:42,560 --> 00:38:45,600
I live with my partner,
but I'm thinking of getting married.
786
00:38:45,680 --> 00:38:48,080
This partner thing sounds like we're cops.
787
00:38:49,320 --> 00:38:53,000
Right. Bye, Don Faustino. Goodbye.
788
00:38:53,880 --> 00:38:55,280
Anyway…
789
00:38:56,600 --> 00:38:57,720
Forgive me.
790
00:38:59,880 --> 00:39:01,280
I had to make that call.
791
00:39:02,880 --> 00:39:05,320
Weddings, what a great invention.
792
00:39:05,400 --> 00:39:08,600
Inventions are really something.
You know, my grandpa was an inventor.
793
00:39:08,680 --> 00:39:10,680
He invented a mug.
794
00:39:10,760 --> 00:39:13,640
He put the handle on the left
and called it the left-handed mug.
795
00:39:15,200 --> 00:39:17,200
He invented more things.
796
00:39:17,280 --> 00:39:20,240
My grandpa invented
the poor man's colander.
797
00:39:20,320 --> 00:39:23,800
With no holes, so they could keep
the broth and dunk bread in it.
798
00:39:24,880 --> 00:39:27,120
Everyone in the neighborhood loved him.
799
00:39:27,200 --> 00:39:28,960
So many people attended his funeral
800
00:39:29,800 --> 00:39:31,520
that we had to bury him six times.
801
00:39:32,760 --> 00:39:34,800
People chanted, "Encore!" so…
802
00:39:35,520 --> 00:39:36,880
And we… Yes.
803
00:39:41,800 --> 00:39:45,480
We took him out,
put him back in, like baking a cake.
804
00:39:46,680 --> 00:39:50,360
We'd bury him, and a neighbor would say,
"I haven't seen him," and out he'd come.
805
00:39:51,720 --> 00:39:53,200
My grandpa was older than me.
806
00:39:55,480 --> 00:39:58,440
But I was the one giving him advice.
807
00:39:59,720 --> 00:40:03,600
"Grandpa, enough with the inventions.
We already have Asians for that."
808
00:40:03,680 --> 00:40:06,880
Asians have some incredible inventions.
809
00:40:06,960 --> 00:40:10,200
For example, the Japanese inventions.
810
00:40:10,280 --> 00:40:12,080
They have inventions for everything.
811
00:40:12,160 --> 00:40:13,000
For instance,
812
00:40:14,440 --> 00:40:15,920
I'll give you an example.
813
00:40:16,000 --> 00:40:17,720
When you go to the toilet,
814
00:40:17,800 --> 00:40:20,400
don't you like a warm toilet seat?
815
00:40:21,000 --> 00:40:21,880
Serious question.
816
00:40:25,120 --> 00:40:26,480
One person here says yes.
817
00:40:26,560 --> 00:40:28,360
Well, the Japanese
818
00:40:29,360 --> 00:40:33,200
invented a mechanism
that automatically heats the toilet seat.
819
00:40:33,280 --> 00:40:35,240
I went to Tokyo a few years ago,
820
00:40:35,320 --> 00:40:37,640
and you can't imagine
the toilets in Japan.
821
00:40:37,720 --> 00:40:40,240
The number of things they have.
822
00:40:40,320 --> 00:40:41,960
There's a button you press,
823
00:40:42,040 --> 00:40:44,440
and it squirts water
straight at your butthole.
824
00:40:44,960 --> 00:40:45,800
Your butthole.
825
00:40:45,880 --> 00:40:49,480
Asian and Caucasian buttholes
are in the same place.
826
00:40:50,560 --> 00:40:52,200
Same coordinates. I promise.
827
00:40:57,760 --> 00:41:00,960
You may think
Asians are short "downstairs." Not true.
828
00:41:02,360 --> 00:41:05,720
The plugs and sockets are different,
but buttholes are universal.
829
00:41:06,640 --> 00:41:09,760
I tried out this invention.
830
00:41:09,840 --> 00:41:12,760
I said, "What does this button do?"
I pressed it, and then…
831
00:41:13,600 --> 00:41:16,480
I liked it so much, it was a treat.
Finish up and get a squirt.
832
00:41:19,280 --> 00:41:24,440
The Japanese have also been working
for some months on an orthopedic leg
833
00:41:24,520 --> 00:41:26,160
that you program on a computer.
834
00:41:26,240 --> 00:41:29,240
Just like a planner.
"Monday, go to the doctor."
835
00:41:29,320 --> 00:41:31,560
"Tuesday, do my taxes."
836
00:41:32,080 --> 00:41:33,600
"Wednesday, dinner appointment."
837
00:41:33,680 --> 00:41:35,520
Put the leg on, and it takes you there.
838
00:41:37,320 --> 00:41:39,440
Oh, those Japanese.
But what about the Chinese?
839
00:41:39,520 --> 00:41:40,880
Don't forget the Chinese.
840
00:41:40,960 --> 00:41:44,880
They've invented amazing things.
They invented gunpowder and rice.
841
00:41:44,960 --> 00:41:47,040
Sounds like a perfect weekend
for a Valencian.
842
00:41:47,120 --> 00:41:49,240
Thanks a lot!
843
00:41:49,320 --> 00:41:51,080
God bless you. Thank you.
844
00:41:57,280 --> 00:41:59,320
-This guy doesn't have an Ondas Award.
-Nope.
845
00:41:59,400 --> 00:42:02,400
-But if I start to check, neither does he.
-No.
846
00:42:02,480 --> 00:42:04,760
-Neither does she.
-No.
847
00:42:04,840 --> 00:42:07,080
-Him…
-No, and he's hideous too.
848
00:42:07,160 --> 00:42:08,640
-Right?
-Terrible.
849
00:42:08,720 --> 00:42:11,200
We can't hang out with people
who don't have Ondas.
850
00:42:11,280 --> 00:42:14,640
We have an Ondas now.
We should hang out with other people.
851
00:42:14,720 --> 00:42:17,040
You know what they have
that we don't, Cárol?
852
00:42:17,120 --> 00:42:17,960
Money.
853
00:42:20,040 --> 00:42:21,320
That's not contagious.
854
00:42:22,160 --> 00:42:23,600
I went to a Catholic school.
855
00:42:23,680 --> 00:42:25,200
You learn all those things
856
00:42:25,280 --> 00:42:28,840
they teach in schools so you can do
crossword puzzles when you're older.
857
00:42:30,040 --> 00:42:32,760
Rivers, mountains,
the Pythagorean theorem.
858
00:42:32,840 --> 00:42:36,280
But I wrote a bunch of things
because I wanted, in some way,
859
00:42:37,080 --> 00:42:41,160
to pay homage to my childhood friends
860
00:42:41,680 --> 00:42:47,200
who weren't as lucky as I was
to have become popular,
861
00:42:47,880 --> 00:42:51,200
but who were very important to me
all through my childhood.
862
00:42:53,640 --> 00:42:54,640
Hi. How are you?
863
00:42:57,920 --> 00:42:59,400
You'll have to excuse me…
864
00:43:00,280 --> 00:43:04,200
Excuse me, but I have to make a call,
and I'm a millennial.
865
00:43:04,280 --> 00:43:06,800
So it's the first time
I've seen a landline. I'm stoked.
866
00:43:06,880 --> 00:43:08,840
What a cute wire. Funny, isn't it?
867
00:43:09,360 --> 00:43:13,000
My cat wears these as a harness
so it doesn't climb onto the roof.
868
00:43:13,520 --> 00:43:15,120
I'm kidding. I don't have a cat.
869
00:43:15,200 --> 00:43:17,560
My daughter wears it,
but that sounds worse.
870
00:43:18,360 --> 00:43:21,080
She thinks the house is a climbing gym.
Come on!
871
00:43:21,160 --> 00:43:23,760
No way.
Speaking of my house, it's a disaster.
872
00:43:24,280 --> 00:43:27,800
You know? I'm… a single mom.
873
00:43:28,920 --> 00:43:31,200
It's a mess, horrible.
874
00:43:32,600 --> 00:43:33,440
Let's see…
875
00:43:35,000 --> 00:43:36,520
The monthly daycare bill.
876
00:43:38,840 --> 00:43:39,680
Outrageous!
877
00:43:42,320 --> 00:43:43,480
Shameful.
878
00:43:44,880 --> 00:43:48,880
These days, they do everything
at an earlier age. It's amazing.
879
00:43:52,080 --> 00:43:53,040
Yes.
880
00:43:53,120 --> 00:43:55,800
Is this No Brexit in the Sky
Bilingual Daycare Center?
881
00:43:57,400 --> 00:44:01,120
I don't want my daughter to be like me.
I don't speak a word of English.
882
00:44:01,200 --> 00:44:02,200
Apart from "potato."
883
00:44:03,960 --> 00:44:05,520
Yes, listen…
884
00:44:05,600 --> 00:44:08,120
My daughter brought me
the daycare center bill,
885
00:44:08,200 --> 00:44:11,760
and I'm wondering if you accidentally
sent me a diaper bill.
886
00:44:12,280 --> 00:44:13,880
I mean, she's got constipation!
887
00:44:14,880 --> 00:44:16,880
Right. You think so?
888
00:44:16,960 --> 00:44:20,800
I don't get why it says here,
"Boarding school: 1,000 euros."
889
00:44:20,880 --> 00:44:23,160
Is that for the school or the TV show?
890
00:44:24,840 --> 00:44:26,680
Sure. Well, yes.
891
00:44:27,200 --> 00:44:30,120
"Relaxing yoga: 70 euros."
892
00:44:30,600 --> 00:44:31,840
Who's this yogi?
893
00:44:33,640 --> 00:44:35,040
Can't you get Boo-Boo?
894
00:44:35,840 --> 00:44:38,600
Oh, you can't?
Put YouTube videos on for her.
895
00:44:38,680 --> 00:44:40,720
I let her watch them all day to relax.
896
00:44:40,800 --> 00:44:41,640
That's right.
897
00:44:41,720 --> 00:44:43,720
She doesn't say "bread" now.
She says "yuca."
898
00:44:45,960 --> 00:44:48,040
Look, there's something I don't get.
899
00:44:48,120 --> 00:44:50,440
It says, "100 euros: Valencian classes."
900
00:44:51,160 --> 00:44:52,520
I don't agree.
901
00:44:52,600 --> 00:44:55,640
No. She's coming home
and saying I make rice with things.
902
00:44:56,600 --> 00:45:00,000
But the worst thing is
she's calling me "nano," instead of "Mom."
903
00:45:00,080 --> 00:45:01,680
"Nano…"
904
00:45:02,760 --> 00:45:03,680
Great.
905
00:45:04,240 --> 00:45:08,680
Here's one thing I don't understand.
"Playground wear and tear."
906
00:45:08,760 --> 00:45:11,640
Is she made out of sandpaper
and has eroded the playground?
907
00:45:12,160 --> 00:45:14,120
Why don't we go fifty-fifty on it?
908
00:45:14,200 --> 00:45:17,040
Because, I mean… I don't know…
909
00:45:17,120 --> 00:45:20,120
The playground wears away
at my daughter too, don't you think?
910
00:45:20,640 --> 00:45:22,200
Oh, sure.
911
00:45:22,920 --> 00:45:26,320
There's more.
"Medical checkup: 100 euros."
912
00:45:26,400 --> 00:45:28,840
Was it for my daughter or Mbappé?
913
00:45:30,000 --> 00:45:34,320
By the way, my daughter told me
she's teaching science classes.
914
00:45:34,400 --> 00:45:35,600
She has to teach them.
915
00:45:36,120 --> 00:45:37,560
It's part of the what method?
916
00:45:38,240 --> 00:45:40,720
The Montessori Method? Isn't that a movie?
917
00:45:42,440 --> 00:45:44,560
You don't charge
for these classes, do you?
918
00:45:47,600 --> 00:45:50,760
So it's a modern teaching method. I see.
919
00:45:51,920 --> 00:45:54,000
In China, it's called child labor.
920
00:45:56,000 --> 00:45:59,440
I'll tell her she should quit studying
and become a YouTuber. Sorted.
921
00:45:59,520 --> 00:46:00,920
She'll stay home. Why not?
922
00:46:01,000 --> 00:46:04,600
Pretty soon, you'll have her fixing
the gym because Monte Cristo says so.
923
00:46:04,680 --> 00:46:08,240
She can't even speak right.
What do you teach there?
924
00:46:08,320 --> 00:46:12,200
She asked me, "Mom,
do you write 'high' with an H or not?"
925
00:46:12,280 --> 00:46:15,000
"Of course you write it with an H.
Otherwise, it'd be 'hig.'"
926
00:46:16,520 --> 00:46:17,640
Seriously.
927
00:46:18,360 --> 00:46:19,200
You're…
928
00:46:20,200 --> 00:46:21,800
You're not teaching her!
929
00:46:21,880 --> 00:46:22,760
What's that?
930
00:46:26,120 --> 00:46:27,120
They hung up.
931
00:46:27,200 --> 00:46:28,160
Screw them.
932
00:46:30,120 --> 00:46:31,280
Thank you.
933
00:46:34,520 --> 00:46:36,120
In all my monologues,
934
00:46:37,480 --> 00:46:41,120
be they absurd or not,
I try to say something
935
00:46:42,240 --> 00:46:44,680
that has some purpose.
936
00:46:44,760 --> 00:46:49,800
It's not only absurd.
It also has a little criticism or irony.
937
00:46:51,360 --> 00:46:52,280
Thank you.
938
00:46:52,880 --> 00:46:57,120
It's incredible. This special has
four female comedians against nine men.
939
00:46:58,080 --> 00:47:00,560
-There are ten men.
-No.
940
00:47:00,640 --> 00:47:01,720
That's Quequé.
941
00:47:02,960 --> 00:47:04,440
Good evening.
942
00:47:06,360 --> 00:47:09,160
Allow me to make a very important call.
943
00:47:10,200 --> 00:47:13,080
We've got a real mess
on our hands with the war. My goodness.
944
00:47:14,560 --> 00:47:16,240
I end up having to do everything.
945
00:47:17,120 --> 00:47:21,160
I have a general
who bought some binoculars.
946
00:47:21,240 --> 00:47:23,000
And all day, it's, "Check her out!"
947
00:47:24,440 --> 00:47:27,160
Stop peeping at balconies
and look at the trenches.
948
00:47:29,640 --> 00:47:33,400
When it comes to handing out medals,
he wants them all for himself.
949
00:47:33,480 --> 00:47:35,960
He's like, "Give me that one.
That too. The round one."
950
00:47:36,040 --> 00:47:37,600
"Not that one. I already got it."
951
00:47:38,680 --> 00:47:40,120
I've got a medal too.
952
00:47:41,040 --> 00:47:42,200
A priest gave it to me.
953
00:47:43,440 --> 00:47:46,920
I asked, "Father, may I have a medal?"
He felt sorry for me and gave me one.
954
00:47:48,080 --> 00:47:49,360
It depicts Saint Anthony.
955
00:47:50,640 --> 00:47:52,040
He dedicated it on the back.
956
00:47:54,120 --> 00:47:57,320
It says, "To Héctor,
from your friend Saint Anthony. Big hug."
957
00:48:02,960 --> 00:48:07,600
Hey. I deserve the medals.
I absolutely love war. I do.
958
00:48:07,680 --> 00:48:09,760
Not to brag, but I kill…
959
00:48:11,480 --> 00:48:12,640
My goodness, do I kill.
960
00:48:13,480 --> 00:48:16,160
The other day,
I shot a guy in combat. Pow!
961
00:48:16,640 --> 00:48:18,800
He says, "You shot me."
I said, "Enemy much?"
962
00:48:20,960 --> 00:48:22,480
"What did you expect, a kiss?"
963
00:48:23,360 --> 00:48:25,600
"You put a hole in me."
"Stick a cork in it."
964
00:48:26,560 --> 00:48:29,720
"I need it for my canteen."
I'm like, "Shut up and die already."
965
00:48:30,320 --> 00:48:31,600
"I'm trying to advance."
966
00:48:32,760 --> 00:48:36,000
If the colonel comes and sees me
talking to the enemy, I'm screwed.
967
00:48:36,680 --> 00:48:38,400
My colonel's got some temper.
968
00:48:38,480 --> 00:48:40,600
But he's a good guy.
969
00:48:41,480 --> 00:48:43,440
The other day we were in combat.
970
00:48:43,520 --> 00:48:46,080
An old lady was crossing,
and he said, "Cease fire."
971
00:48:46,600 --> 00:48:48,760
We didn't shoot
until she finished crossing.
972
00:48:50,440 --> 00:48:53,200
I love war. I really do.
973
00:48:53,280 --> 00:48:55,680
The worst part for me is going home.
974
00:48:56,760 --> 00:48:58,400
The arguing with my wife…
975
00:48:59,240 --> 00:49:01,760
As soon as I get home,
"Look at you, all dirty."
976
00:49:03,560 --> 00:49:06,640
"You went off looking like a million bucks
and came back filthy."
977
00:49:07,440 --> 00:49:10,880
"We have to crawl through mud."
She goes, "Then put some newspapers down!"
978
00:49:16,520 --> 00:49:17,560
Anyway…
979
00:49:18,760 --> 00:49:21,720
I've got a cross-eyed lieutenant
who makes my day.
980
00:49:23,280 --> 00:49:25,120
He says, "I take aim, and I don't miss."
981
00:49:25,200 --> 00:49:27,720
Everyone's like,
"Careful which eye he uses to aim."
982
00:49:33,600 --> 00:49:38,080
War has a bad reputation,
but it has good and bad things.
983
00:49:38,160 --> 00:49:41,760
I wasn't always a soldier.
I've had other jobs too.
984
00:49:41,840 --> 00:49:46,440
I was once an apprentice thief
in a gang of thieves.
985
00:49:47,000 --> 00:49:48,840
I had to quit because I got sick.
986
00:49:49,360 --> 00:49:51,400
I was returning everything I stole.
987
00:49:53,200 --> 00:49:55,480
Then I said, "I'm going to London."
988
00:49:55,560 --> 00:49:58,360
I went to London and joined Scotland Yard.
989
00:49:59,520 --> 00:50:00,640
You know Scotland Yard?
990
00:50:00,720 --> 00:50:01,560
Damn!
991
00:50:02,280 --> 00:50:05,200
You know Jack the Ripper,
the serial killer?
992
00:50:06,080 --> 00:50:07,000
I caught him.
993
00:50:08,520 --> 00:50:10,560
That's right, Jack the Ripper.
994
00:50:10,640 --> 00:50:13,440
I've never told anyone
out of modesty, but it was me.
995
00:50:13,960 --> 00:50:15,760
This is how it went.
996
00:50:15,840 --> 00:50:19,680
We were in Scotland Yard,
and we saw a guy sleeping in the street.
997
00:50:19,760 --> 00:50:22,040
He'd been there over a month,
so the sergeant said,
998
00:50:22,120 --> 00:50:23,800
"That's a long nap for an adult."
999
00:50:26,560 --> 00:50:28,040
We called the coroner.
1000
00:50:28,840 --> 00:50:32,040
Not a doctor. He lived on the corner,
so we called him "the coroner."
1001
00:50:33,160 --> 00:50:37,040
The guy runs up to the body,
starts kicking him in the back,
1002
00:50:37,120 --> 00:50:39,920
and says, "He's either dead
or one tough son of a bitch."
1003
00:50:40,760 --> 00:50:42,480
Anyway, Sherlock Holmes came
1004
00:50:42,560 --> 00:50:45,880
and said, "This looks
like the work of Jack the Ripper."
1005
00:50:45,960 --> 00:50:49,080
We asked, "How do you know?"
"I'm Sherlock Holmes, that's why."
1006
00:50:50,320 --> 00:50:54,280
So, I found out which hotel
Jack the Ripper was staying at,
1007
00:50:54,360 --> 00:50:56,080
and I checked myself in.
1008
00:50:56,160 --> 00:50:58,120
But, since I don't like violence,
1009
00:50:58,640 --> 00:51:00,560
I decided to smoke him out with hints.
1010
00:51:02,400 --> 00:51:06,600
I'd run into him in the hallway at night
and say, "Someone has been killing."
1011
00:51:16,440 --> 00:51:18,000
"I'm not pointing any fingers…"
1012
00:51:20,120 --> 00:51:22,320
The next day, again,
"Someone's a murderer."
1013
00:51:23,760 --> 00:51:25,120
"I'm no snitch, but…"
1014
00:51:26,080 --> 00:51:29,240
After 15 days, he said,
"I can't take it. It was me. Arrest me."
1015
00:51:30,280 --> 00:51:31,320
What a time…
1016
00:51:31,400 --> 00:51:35,520
I eventually left Scotland Yard
because being a cop in London sucks.
1017
00:51:35,600 --> 00:51:38,600
The fog's so thick,
you have to walk the beat feeling around.
1018
00:51:39,240 --> 00:51:40,800
I'd slam into lampposts.
1019
00:51:41,560 --> 00:51:42,800
And I ended up doing this.
1020
00:51:42,880 --> 00:51:45,720
I don't really know what it is,
but I love it. Thanks.
1021
00:51:57,400 --> 00:51:59,720
I love how these red suits look on us.
1022
00:51:59,800 --> 00:52:02,800
Much better than pink.
When no one's looking, I'm taking it.
1023
00:52:02,880 --> 00:52:06,240
What? We look awful.
We look like Italian drug dealers.
1024
00:52:06,320 --> 00:52:08,280
And cover yourself up. We're feminists.
1025
00:52:08,360 --> 00:52:10,880
This is how it works.
I'm objectifying myself on TV.
1026
00:52:10,960 --> 00:52:12,280
Show off a little.
1027
00:52:12,360 --> 00:52:13,360
Nobody cares.
1028
00:52:14,360 --> 00:52:16,200
What is this?
1029
00:52:16,280 --> 00:52:18,480
All these people are performing,
and we're here.
1030
00:52:18,560 --> 00:52:22,000
They're saving the best for last.
The divas for last. You and I.
1031
00:52:22,080 --> 00:52:23,880
-When have I lied to you?
-All the time.
1032
00:52:23,960 --> 00:52:27,080
We're just the phone-in vote.
Nobody cares about us. We're on last.
1033
00:52:27,160 --> 00:52:28,720
I'm getting angry.
1034
00:52:28,800 --> 00:52:31,720
Are you angry, pissed off,
or got your panties in a twist?
1035
00:52:31,800 --> 00:52:33,720
-All three.
-They're not the same.
1036
00:52:33,800 --> 00:52:37,200
-The three of them are different.
-What's the difference?
1037
00:52:37,280 --> 00:52:40,840
You get angry, for example,
at me for calling at 2:00 a.m.
1038
00:52:40,920 --> 00:52:43,040
to tell you
I left my wallet at your place.
1039
00:52:43,120 --> 00:52:44,240
You did that last night.
1040
00:52:44,320 --> 00:52:45,920
Why are you always so selfish?
1041
00:52:46,000 --> 00:52:49,080
Everything is always about you.
It's all Carolina Iglesias, right?
1042
00:52:49,160 --> 00:52:52,240
You get pissed off
at me calling you again at 5:00 a.m.,
1043
00:52:52,320 --> 00:52:54,600
insisting that I left
my wallet at your place.
1044
00:52:54,680 --> 00:52:56,120
You did that last night too.
1045
00:52:56,200 --> 00:52:57,480
-Made you angry, right?
-Yes.
1046
00:52:57,560 --> 00:52:59,360
You're nasty. You always have been.
1047
00:52:59,440 --> 00:53:01,440
So, what would get my panties in a twist?
1048
00:53:01,520 --> 00:53:05,280
Me telling you right now
that the wallet was never at your place.
1049
00:53:05,360 --> 00:53:08,360
I had it all along, it was your wallet,
and I took 20 euros.
1050
00:53:08,440 --> 00:53:10,800
You're ridiculous. This is pissing me off.
1051
00:53:10,880 --> 00:53:13,480
When do we go on?
We look like Chip 'n' Dale here.
1052
00:53:13,560 --> 00:53:15,400
Hold on. I've got it.
1053
00:53:15,480 --> 00:53:18,680
This is how we're involved.
We were never meant to go on.
1054
00:53:18,760 --> 00:53:20,720
-They did it again. We're fools.
-No.
1055
00:53:20,800 --> 00:53:23,800
-It was your agent.
-They wouldn't do that to us, would they?
1056
00:53:25,160 --> 00:53:26,000
Would they?
1057
00:53:50,000 --> 00:53:54,000
"I'm going to give you
a concert on the violin
1058
00:53:54,520 --> 00:53:58,400
that you won't forget
for as long as you live."
1059
00:54:02,400 --> 00:54:07,200
"Personally, the violin isn't my…"
1060
00:54:07,800 --> 00:54:09,440
"But in my family,
1061
00:54:10,160 --> 00:54:12,240
everyone's big on fingering."
1062
00:54:13,080 --> 00:54:17,000
"My dad's brother
died because of a violin."
1063
00:54:17,080 --> 00:54:21,600
"He'd already almost died in '67."
1064
00:54:24,200 --> 00:54:25,680
I'm enjoying these lines.
1065
00:54:29,560 --> 00:54:30,400
Holy shit.
1066
00:54:31,640 --> 00:54:34,200
It'd be nice to do this,
but without quoting Gila.
1067
00:54:36,520 --> 00:54:38,760
"In '67." Thanks for rewinding it.
1068
00:54:40,120 --> 00:54:42,760
"He was playing 'La Danza del Fuego.'"
1069
00:54:42,840 --> 00:54:45,320
"His eyebrows caught fire,
1070
00:54:45,840 --> 00:54:50,720
and if we hadn't been fast
with the water keg, he would've burned."
1071
00:54:52,440 --> 00:54:53,360
I see those faces.
1072
00:54:54,400 --> 00:54:57,720
I see those faces.
People are looking at me now.
1073
00:54:58,360 --> 00:55:00,640
Like, "You're killing it, Ignatius."
1074
00:55:05,120 --> 00:55:07,640
And I see people looking at me like,
1075
00:55:08,160 --> 00:55:10,400
"I'm not saying I don't like it…
1076
00:55:13,280 --> 00:55:17,000
but you gotta admit,
this is an eccentric way…
1077
00:55:18,800 --> 00:55:20,040
of playing Gila."
1078
00:55:21,640 --> 00:55:25,440
"The other day we were
in a meeting, and I said--"
1079
00:55:25,520 --> 00:55:28,520
"And his mother said,
'Play something, José Ramón.'"
1080
00:55:29,040 --> 00:55:32,720
"By the way, there was this fat lady…"
1081
00:55:36,240 --> 00:55:37,400
Those were different times.
1082
00:55:41,800 --> 00:55:43,400
It's a fucking classic!
1083
00:55:50,720 --> 00:55:53,840
Let's separate the art from the artist.
1084
00:55:55,560 --> 00:55:59,200
"By the way, there was this fat lady
1085
00:55:59,280 --> 00:56:00,600
who caused a huge fuss,
1086
00:56:00,680 --> 00:56:03,000
leaning against a wall."
1087
00:56:03,720 --> 00:56:07,320
"'Keep your hands off me,
or I'll bust your face
1088
00:56:07,400 --> 00:56:10,960
because I'm a very clean and decent woman,
1089
00:56:11,040 --> 00:56:14,520
and the thing with the sergeant
was an accident.'"
1090
00:56:16,120 --> 00:56:18,080
"The accident's name is Carlitos."
1091
00:56:19,640 --> 00:56:21,880
"He's yea…"
1092
00:56:24,520 --> 00:56:25,920
In brackets…
1093
00:56:27,960 --> 00:56:29,600
The brackets contain
1094
00:56:30,920 --> 00:56:31,760
acting prompts.
1095
00:56:33,800 --> 00:56:36,200
It says, "Gesture that he's tall."
1096
00:56:37,400 --> 00:56:38,760
"Carlitos is yea tall now."
1097
00:56:40,080 --> 00:56:41,440
This is emotional.
1098
00:56:41,520 --> 00:56:44,680
My grandma loved Gila.
1099
00:56:44,760 --> 00:56:46,800
And I didn't watch Gila.
1100
00:56:46,880 --> 00:56:48,120
I watched my grandma.
1101
00:56:48,640 --> 00:56:53,760
She'd be laughing. And me,
as a boy, didn't even watch the TV.
1102
00:56:53,840 --> 00:56:57,600
I'd watch my grandma laugh
and look at her smile.
1103
00:56:57,680 --> 00:56:59,680
I recall these lines perfectly.
1104
00:57:01,560 --> 00:57:02,480
The…
1105
00:57:03,360 --> 00:57:04,200
Thank you.
1106
00:57:05,840 --> 00:57:06,720
"Open the case…"
1107
00:57:06,800 --> 00:57:10,560
This sucks because
some brackets you have to read
1108
00:57:10,640 --> 00:57:12,120
and some you have to act out.
1109
00:57:12,640 --> 00:57:15,440
"Open the case, there's nothing inside."
1110
00:57:15,520 --> 00:57:17,680
Well, what will happen now?
1111
00:57:31,480 --> 00:57:34,960
Could this show be better
than Cirque du Soleil?
1112
00:57:37,040 --> 00:57:41,120
"Oh, my God, it looks like I forgot it."
1113
00:57:41,840 --> 00:57:43,120
"I'm going to call home."
1114
00:57:48,200 --> 00:57:50,560
BAD MEMORY RUNS IN THE FAMILY
1115
00:57:50,640 --> 00:57:53,000
"I'm going to call home."
1116
00:57:53,080 --> 00:57:55,160
"Maybe I left it there."
1117
00:58:00,160 --> 00:58:02,520
"Listen, honey,
1118
00:58:02,600 --> 00:58:06,440
did I leave my violin on your bed?"
1119
00:58:06,520 --> 00:58:07,560
"Yes, honey."
1120
00:58:07,640 --> 00:58:11,400
"Yes, darling, sweetheart, sugar."
1121
00:58:11,480 --> 00:58:12,920
"Yes, honey."
1122
00:58:13,000 --> 00:58:13,840
"It's the maid."
1123
00:58:16,800 --> 00:58:18,400
"I hate her guts…"
1124
00:58:23,840 --> 00:58:25,840
"Yes."
1125
00:58:25,920 --> 00:58:27,280
"A violin."
1126
00:58:27,360 --> 00:58:30,080
"Long, made of wood. It's got hairs."
1127
00:58:30,600 --> 00:58:32,800
"That's a paintbrush."
1128
00:58:34,360 --> 00:58:37,840
"Is my aunt Rosario there? Put her on."
1129
00:58:37,920 --> 00:58:40,160
"My aunt Rosario is a spinster."
1130
00:58:40,240 --> 00:58:42,480
"When she was born,
they said to her father,
1131
00:58:42,560 --> 00:58:44,760
'You've had a spinster.'"
1132
00:58:47,360 --> 00:58:48,520
"Into the phone."
1133
00:58:48,600 --> 00:58:50,040
"Aunt Rosario,
1134
00:58:50,560 --> 00:58:54,600
I didn't leave a violin
on your bed, did I?"
1135
00:58:55,240 --> 00:58:58,360
"See if you can find it."
1136
00:59:00,000 --> 00:59:02,680
"She hasn't found a boyfriend,
but she'll find a violin."
1137
00:59:05,360 --> 00:59:07,960
"She got plastic surgery,
1138
00:59:08,040 --> 00:59:09,600
and they did a crappy job."
1139
00:59:09,680 --> 00:59:12,880
"She wanted to take 15 years off,
but she didn't have the money,
1140
00:59:12,960 --> 00:59:14,760
so she took off six days."
1141
00:59:14,840 --> 00:59:19,920
"Today's Wednesday, and her face
looks like it did last Thursday."
1142
00:59:26,880 --> 00:59:28,400
"She got lost one night."
1143
00:59:28,480 --> 00:59:30,920
"We went to the police station
with a photo,
1144
00:59:31,000 --> 00:59:32,720
the captain looked at it and said,
1145
00:59:32,800 --> 00:59:34,680
'Are you sure you want to find her?'"
1146
00:59:36,560 --> 00:59:39,880
"Yes, what is it? Maybe Grandma has it."
1147
00:59:40,560 --> 00:59:42,840
"Put Grandma on, will you?"
1148
00:59:42,920 --> 00:59:45,440
"She's also a spinster."
1149
00:59:45,520 --> 00:59:46,560
"And she's Deaf."
1150
00:59:46,640 --> 00:59:50,360
"During the war, a bomb fell on the house,
1151
00:59:50,440 --> 00:59:52,560
and she said, 'No slamming doors!'"
1152
00:59:53,520 --> 00:59:56,360
"And the time the gas tank exploded,
1153
00:59:56,440 --> 00:59:59,440
she came out holding a glass."
1154
00:59:59,520 --> 01:00:01,680
"'Champagne.'"
1155
01:00:04,240 --> 01:00:07,160
"Granny, have you seen my violin?"
1156
01:00:07,240 --> 01:00:11,200
"Granny? She says, 'My name's not Annie.'"
1157
01:00:11,280 --> 01:00:12,200
"And she hung up."
1158
01:00:14,920 --> 01:00:16,480
"Well, never mind,
1159
01:00:16,560 --> 01:00:18,680
because, to tell you the truth,
1160
01:00:18,760 --> 01:00:20,560
you didn't miss out on much,
1161
01:00:20,640 --> 01:00:23,640
because I play
1162
01:00:23,720 --> 01:00:25,040
by ear
1163
01:00:26,280 --> 01:00:27,120
and not…"
1164
01:00:27,640 --> 01:00:28,960
I can relate to this part.
1165
01:00:29,560 --> 01:00:31,800
"Because I play by ear…"
1166
01:00:31,880 --> 01:00:32,800
Damn.
1167
01:00:32,880 --> 01:00:35,840
It feels nice to see yourself
in someone else's words.
1168
01:00:36,640 --> 01:00:41,200
"Because I play by ear
and don't take advice."
1169
01:00:42,400 --> 01:00:44,000
Thank you all.
1170
01:00:44,080 --> 01:00:45,440
Thank you, Gila.
1171
01:00:45,520 --> 01:00:48,120
Thank you, Gila, for teaching us,
1172
01:00:48,840 --> 01:00:51,120
for helping us realize
1173
01:00:51,200 --> 01:00:54,360
that we each have to do it our own way.
1174
01:00:54,440 --> 01:00:55,640
Thank you all.
1175
01:01:03,320 --> 01:01:08,200
Not to disparage the Spanish people,
1176
01:01:08,280 --> 01:01:10,480
who are so very honest
and very spontaneous,
1177
01:01:10,560 --> 01:01:14,960
and who say what they feel
without worrying about hurting anybody.
1178
01:01:15,040 --> 01:01:17,120
They say it because it's what they feel.
1179
01:01:17,200 --> 01:01:20,120
So, the character,
or characters I created, with the beret,
1180
01:01:20,920 --> 01:01:24,040
always try to say things with an innocence
1181
01:01:24,560 --> 01:01:28,000
that allows them
to step down from all hypocrisy
1182
01:01:28,080 --> 01:01:29,960
and say exactly how they feel.
1183
01:01:38,320 --> 01:01:39,960
I'm from a very poor neighborhood.
1184
01:01:40,480 --> 01:01:44,200
When I was a kid, we were so poor
I thought "tea" was a place.
1185
01:01:45,800 --> 01:01:49,280
People would say, "I'm going to tea."
And I'd say, "I'm staying. I'm hungry."
1186
01:01:50,320 --> 01:01:53,840
Where I'm from,
if someone's missing, they're in prison.
1187
01:01:53,920 --> 01:01:56,640
We don't say "goodbye."
We say, "Arrest you later."
1188
01:01:59,800 --> 01:02:01,920
My neighborhood's called Garlic Smut.
1189
01:02:02,000 --> 01:02:04,600
We're not Spain's
smartest bunch. I'll warn you.
1190
01:02:04,680 --> 01:02:08,600
They said to one guy, "Your mouth's open."
He answered, "I know, I opened it."
1191
01:02:09,120 --> 01:02:10,280
To give you an idea.
1192
01:02:10,360 --> 01:02:14,040
My cousin got offered a job at a bar.
"Would you like to be a dishwasher?"
1193
01:02:14,120 --> 01:02:16,040
He asked, "What do dishwashers do?"
1194
01:02:25,600 --> 01:02:28,120
My aunt, being his mother,
can only say one thing.
1195
01:02:28,200 --> 01:02:29,320
She always says,
1196
01:02:29,400 --> 01:02:33,080
"My son's very intelligent.
He just doesn't show any symptoms of it."
1197
01:02:35,200 --> 01:02:40,200
Where I'm from, what we like most
are the festivities we have every year.
1198
01:02:40,280 --> 01:02:43,840
On the first day, we begin
with the strongman competition.
1199
01:02:43,920 --> 01:02:47,880
We place a rock this big
and crack it with our heads.
1200
01:02:47,960 --> 01:02:51,960
Johnny cracked it with two headbutts.
He died right when we gave him the prize.
1201
01:02:53,640 --> 01:02:57,600
To show off, he didn't wear a cap.
He did it bareheaded.
1202
01:03:01,400 --> 01:03:02,360
I remember
1203
01:03:03,920 --> 01:03:06,840
when they put in electrical liars,
1204
01:03:07,880 --> 01:03:10,400
we told Michael
they were for hanging laundry.
1205
01:03:10,480 --> 01:03:12,280
He climbed up… Zap!
1206
01:03:12,360 --> 01:03:14,720
When he fell, he looked like cigar ashes.
1207
01:03:15,280 --> 01:03:18,680
The cop said,
"Not a breeze until the jury gets here."
1208
01:03:18,760 --> 01:03:21,760
The doctor was like,
"Let me give him a tennis shot."
1209
01:03:21,840 --> 01:03:25,640
Even his dad said, "You killed my son,
but I got a good laugh."
1210
01:03:27,240 --> 01:03:29,760
We pranked the pharmacist,
1211
01:03:29,840 --> 01:03:31,640
may he rest in peace.
1212
01:03:32,360 --> 01:03:35,400
At night he serves you
through a tiny window, you know?
1213
01:03:35,480 --> 01:03:38,480
So, we held
the doctor's prescription far away.
1214
01:03:38,560 --> 01:03:40,720
He had to pop his head outside to read it.
1215
01:03:40,800 --> 01:03:43,040
We put a steak on his neck,
1216
01:03:43,120 --> 01:03:45,200
and Cristian released the pit bull…
1217
01:03:45,720 --> 01:03:46,560
Chomp.
1218
01:03:47,560 --> 01:03:50,960
It took the dog three days
to poop the glasses out.
1219
01:03:52,240 --> 01:03:53,800
Dani Rovira reported us.
1220
01:03:55,800 --> 01:03:59,720
God, are you watching this?
Ernesto Sevilla, Arturo Valls, Vaquero.
1221
01:04:00,320 --> 01:04:02,480
These guys have to
be dewormed immediately.
1222
01:04:03,520 --> 01:04:05,520
The best pranks were at weddings.
1223
01:04:05,600 --> 01:04:07,880
Macahan got married three months ago.
1224
01:04:07,960 --> 01:04:10,080
We put the bride
on a train to Extremadura.
1225
01:04:11,160 --> 01:04:13,160
Her train must be in Plasencia right now.
1226
01:04:14,960 --> 01:04:18,520
Macahan was drunk,
so he didn't even notice
1227
01:04:18,600 --> 01:04:21,080
that we put a circus pony in his bed.
1228
01:04:22,320 --> 01:04:24,320
He didn't notice until the next morning.
1229
01:04:25,000 --> 01:04:28,360
The way he told it had us in stitches.
He said, "I kissed her on the muzzle
1230
01:04:28,440 --> 01:04:30,800
and thought, 'Holy crap,
my girl Vane shaved!'"
1231
01:04:32,640 --> 01:04:35,280
"I felt the saddle
and thought it was her panty girdle."
1232
01:04:35,360 --> 01:04:38,720
We asked him about the tail. He said,
"I thought they were new extensions."
1233
01:04:40,000 --> 01:04:42,480
We have fun in my neighborhood, we do.
1234
01:04:42,560 --> 01:04:46,000
In those fancy developments
there are luxury homes,
1235
01:04:46,600 --> 01:04:48,160
but they don't know how to behave.
1236
01:04:48,240 --> 01:04:49,600
One day in La Moraleja,
1237
01:04:49,680 --> 01:04:53,120
named that way because
most of its residents are very moral,
1238
01:04:54,160 --> 01:04:56,040
some guy calls me a crook.
1239
01:04:56,120 --> 01:04:57,320
A crook! Me!
1240
01:04:59,400 --> 01:05:01,960
I asked, "What do you do?"
He said, "I'm a politician."
1241
01:05:02,040 --> 01:05:04,680
When I heard that, I left.
I didn't even say goodbye.
1242
01:05:04,760 --> 01:05:07,040
I said, "Arrest you later!"
1243
01:05:08,480 --> 01:05:11,720
Sorry for butchering it, Boss.
We miss you dearly.
1244
01:05:18,760 --> 01:05:23,320
Humor is a kind of mental deception
where you have to surprise,
1245
01:05:24,120 --> 01:05:27,640
so you have to make it so that one
never knows what you're gonna say.
1246
01:05:27,720 --> 01:05:32,200
In my specific case,
paint absurd scenarios
1247
01:05:32,960 --> 01:05:34,720
that aren't all that absurd.
1248
01:05:34,800 --> 01:05:35,640
I mean,
1249
01:05:36,240 --> 01:05:39,840
the fact that things haven't happened
doesn't mean they can't happen.
1250
01:05:51,280 --> 01:05:52,560
Don't ever die,
1251
01:05:52,640 --> 01:05:56,400
because dying is something
you can't go back on.
1252
01:05:56,480 --> 01:05:57,600
Once you die,
1253
01:05:58,120 --> 01:06:01,240
you can't do the things
you could do when you were alive.
1254
01:06:01,320 --> 01:06:03,280
You can't make videos on TikTok.
1255
01:06:04,160 --> 01:06:05,680
You can't walk the dog,
1256
01:06:06,440 --> 01:06:09,560
play dominoes, buy oil.
1257
01:06:09,640 --> 01:06:11,880
Honestly, if you get the choice,
1258
01:06:11,960 --> 01:06:13,160
don't ever die.
1259
01:06:13,840 --> 01:06:16,760
Take it from me. I've died several times.
1260
01:06:17,720 --> 01:06:19,800
I remember the first time I died.
1261
01:06:20,320 --> 01:06:22,400
I was like eight or nine years old.
1262
01:06:22,480 --> 01:06:24,600
I was at the beach with my family.
1263
01:06:24,680 --> 01:06:27,560
It was my fault.
I didn't listen to my mother,
1264
01:06:27,640 --> 01:06:30,680
and I went into the water
with a full stomach.
1265
01:06:32,160 --> 01:06:35,480
It just so happened
that day I'd gobbled down…
1266
01:06:35,560 --> 01:06:36,880
What was it?
1267
01:06:36,960 --> 01:06:39,160
I ate half a potato omelet,
1268
01:06:39,960 --> 01:06:41,400
a flask of gazpacho,
1269
01:06:42,600 --> 01:06:44,280
two loaves of homemade bread,
1270
01:06:45,320 --> 01:06:48,520
three Canary Island bananas,
from La Palma, specifically,
1271
01:06:49,680 --> 01:06:50,600
and that was it.
1272
01:06:50,680 --> 01:06:52,640
Well, and a glass of herb liqueur.
1273
01:06:53,520 --> 01:06:56,320
Yes, in those days
people weren't as fussy about children.
1274
01:06:57,840 --> 01:07:00,000
I should've listened
to my mother, but I didn't.
1275
01:07:00,080 --> 01:07:01,440
I went in the water
1276
01:07:01,520 --> 01:07:02,680
and started feeling sick.
1277
01:07:02,760 --> 01:07:06,000
I swallowed so much water.
The worst kind of water.
1278
01:07:06,080 --> 01:07:09,040
When I tried
to tell my parents I was drowning,
1279
01:07:09,120 --> 01:07:10,960
they thought I was waving
1280
01:07:11,040 --> 01:07:13,920
and waved back with a handkerchief
while I sunk like the Titanic.
1281
01:07:15,320 --> 01:07:16,360
It was tragic.
1282
01:07:18,240 --> 01:07:20,840
Thinking about it, the second time I died,
1283
01:07:20,920 --> 01:07:23,440
I was about 20,
and it was in the Civil War.
1284
01:07:24,000 --> 01:07:26,320
I was in the trenches.
This one annoyed me.
1285
01:07:26,400 --> 01:07:28,360
This death really pissed me off.
1286
01:07:28,440 --> 01:07:30,480
Because I didn't die. I was killed.
1287
01:07:31,560 --> 01:07:33,160
I was lying there in the trench.
1288
01:07:33,240 --> 01:07:36,200
I remember I was whistling
some of Piquer's coplas,
1289
01:07:37,200 --> 01:07:39,720
quietly, so that the enemy didn't hear me,
1290
01:07:40,280 --> 01:07:44,440
and just as I got
to the chorus of "Ojos Verdes,"
1291
01:07:45,640 --> 01:07:49,800
this huge bomb
landed right on top of me. Boom!
1292
01:07:49,880 --> 01:07:51,400
It obliterated me. I died.
1293
01:07:51,480 --> 01:07:53,360
Boy, was I angry.
1294
01:07:55,240 --> 01:07:57,360
And you can't complain to anyone.
1295
01:07:57,440 --> 01:07:59,440
Who do you complain to
about getting killed?
1296
01:08:00,040 --> 01:08:04,320
Even if you could complain and they
took notice, what are they gonna do?
1297
01:08:04,400 --> 01:08:05,880
Bring you back from the dead?
1298
01:08:06,640 --> 01:08:07,960
I'm not the biggest saint.
1299
01:08:09,840 --> 01:08:11,520
The third time I died,
1300
01:08:11,600 --> 01:08:14,840
I'd gotten a job in construction.
1301
01:08:15,880 --> 01:08:19,880
I was up on the scaffolding,
on the ninth or tenth floor.
1302
01:08:19,960 --> 01:08:24,760
A guy next to me dropped some bricks
on the scaffolding that made it wobble,
1303
01:08:24,840 --> 01:08:25,920
I lost my balance,
1304
01:08:26,600 --> 01:08:28,040
and fell into the abyss.
1305
01:08:29,920 --> 01:08:31,440
Which isn't actually an abyss.
1306
01:08:35,000 --> 01:08:36,800
That's not a fitting name.
1307
01:08:38,680 --> 01:08:39,800
Because at some point…
1308
01:08:42,200 --> 01:08:43,320
there's something.
1309
01:08:44,000 --> 01:08:47,480
That something is called cement,
and it happens to be what kills you.
1310
01:08:48,080 --> 01:08:51,160
If it really was the abyss,
I'd still be falling
1311
01:08:51,240 --> 01:08:54,280
into some crazy space-time.
1312
01:08:55,600 --> 01:08:57,560
Do you know what happened as I fell?
1313
01:08:58,280 --> 01:09:00,080
What people always say.
1314
01:09:01,240 --> 01:09:02,640
Your whole life as a movie.
1315
01:09:06,840 --> 01:09:08,160
Boring as hell.
1316
01:09:12,280 --> 01:09:15,240
Not even a trailer, the whole thing.
1317
01:09:15,320 --> 01:09:18,600
It's all there.
There's no fast-forward button.
1318
01:09:18,680 --> 01:09:21,360
No, the whole movie.
1319
01:09:21,440 --> 01:09:23,120
My whole life.
1320
01:09:23,200 --> 01:09:27,280
From my brother-in-law's yapping
every Christmas Eve…
1321
01:09:30,240 --> 01:09:34,480
to a Getafe vs. Levante match I saw.
I was like, "What's this all about?"
1322
01:09:41,240 --> 01:09:42,600
The last time I died…
1323
01:09:44,760 --> 01:09:47,120
I remember it like it was yesterday.
1324
01:09:47,200 --> 01:09:50,800
I was 82 or 83, more or less.
1325
01:09:50,880 --> 01:09:54,600
I don't remember, at that age
your memory gets a bit foggy.
1326
01:09:55,920 --> 01:09:58,400
Yes, I died. I didn't want to die.
1327
01:09:58,480 --> 01:10:01,560
It was a lovely sunny day in spring.
1328
01:10:02,160 --> 01:10:05,200
I read my horoscope, "Health: good."
1329
01:10:05,280 --> 01:10:06,320
I was like…
1330
01:10:07,480 --> 01:10:09,040
I remember the funeral.
1331
01:10:10,760 --> 01:10:13,480
A couple of pals came, acquaintances.
1332
01:10:14,400 --> 01:10:16,840
I didn't know their names, but they came.
1333
01:10:17,680 --> 01:10:18,880
Some neighbors came.
1334
01:10:19,400 --> 01:10:20,280
Family.
1335
01:10:21,280 --> 01:10:23,480
Some guy from the book club came too.
1336
01:10:24,760 --> 01:10:28,600
We'd become friends
after years of him coming to my house.
1337
01:10:29,880 --> 01:10:31,320
One thing I remember
1338
01:10:31,400 --> 01:10:33,480
is that when the funeral ended,
1339
01:10:33,560 --> 01:10:34,640
everyone left,
1340
01:10:35,280 --> 01:10:36,680
and I stayed there alone.
1341
01:10:37,440 --> 01:10:38,760
The night set in,
1342
01:10:39,720 --> 01:10:42,080
and I was left
with the flowers and the wreaths.
1343
01:10:42,920 --> 01:10:45,720
Eventually, the flowers began to wilt.
1344
01:10:46,440 --> 01:10:50,760
It seems that if nobody
looks at a flower, it withers.
1345
01:10:52,640 --> 01:10:53,840
And after that,
1346
01:10:54,360 --> 01:10:58,240
other than a common cold
and a couple of styes,
1347
01:10:58,320 --> 01:11:01,600
I haven't had any issues.
1348
01:11:02,800 --> 01:11:04,880
That's why I tell you that
1349
01:11:06,200 --> 01:11:08,720
although we may sometimes feel like dying,
1350
01:11:08,800 --> 01:11:13,720
although life might not always
shape things the way you want it to,
1351
01:11:15,160 --> 01:11:16,200
I must insist,
1352
01:11:16,920 --> 01:11:17,960
don't ever die.
1353
01:11:19,000 --> 01:11:21,000
Life is beautiful. What the hell!
1354
01:11:21,920 --> 01:11:22,960
Thanks a lot.
1355
01:11:50,560 --> 01:11:51,720
This world
1356
01:11:53,360 --> 01:11:54,840
So wonderful
1357
01:11:56,000 --> 01:11:57,680
Rich and beautiful
1358
01:11:58,920 --> 01:12:01,880
Is a piece of shit
1359
01:12:01,960 --> 01:12:03,480
With its haters
1360
01:12:04,760 --> 01:12:06,360
With its soldiers
1361
01:12:07,680 --> 01:12:09,560
With your brother-in-law
1362
01:12:09,640 --> 01:12:11,240
And with
1363
01:12:12,000 --> 01:12:13,400
Reggaeton
1364
01:12:13,480 --> 01:12:16,200
There are politicians
1365
01:12:16,280 --> 01:12:19,240
As well as critics
1366
01:12:19,320 --> 01:12:21,960
I need
1367
01:12:22,040 --> 01:12:25,200
My tranquilizers
1368
01:12:25,280 --> 01:12:30,920
But if the sorrow goes on
1369
01:12:31,000 --> 01:12:33,240
There's no better remedy
1370
01:12:33,320 --> 01:12:36,680
Than to split one's sides
1371
01:12:36,760 --> 01:12:39,120
Is this the enemy?
1372
01:12:39,200 --> 01:12:42,280
Put him on
1373
01:12:42,880 --> 01:12:45,080
I'm gonna laugh in his face
1374
01:12:45,160 --> 01:12:48,280
And tell jokes at his funeral
1375
01:12:59,680 --> 01:13:02,480
There are fanatics
1376
01:13:02,560 --> 01:13:05,480
And the problematic
1377
01:13:05,560 --> 01:13:08,360
There are the unfriendly
1378
01:13:08,440 --> 01:13:11,400
And the melodramatic
1379
01:13:11,480 --> 01:13:17,360
But if the sorrow goes on
1380
01:13:17,440 --> 01:13:19,600
There's no better remedy
1381
01:13:19,680 --> 01:13:22,920
Than to split one's sides
1382
01:13:23,000 --> 01:13:25,480
Is this the enemy?
1383
01:13:25,560 --> 01:13:29,320
Put him on
1384
01:13:29,400 --> 01:13:31,920
I'm gonna laugh in his face
1385
01:13:32,000 --> 01:13:35,040
And tell jokes at his funeral
1386
01:13:46,600 --> 01:13:48,920
We also want to…
1387
01:13:49,000 --> 01:13:50,040
What do we do?
1388
01:13:50,120 --> 01:13:52,200
What should we sing?
1389
01:14:03,120 --> 01:14:04,440
-Come on!
-The words are easy.
1390
01:14:09,040 --> 01:14:10,000
That's it!
1391
01:14:21,800 --> 01:14:24,440
Is this the enemy?
1392
01:14:24,520 --> 01:14:27,760
Put him on
1393
01:14:27,840 --> 01:14:30,000
Is this the enemy?
1394
01:14:33,640 --> 01:14:37,240
Put him on
1395
01:14:52,960 --> 01:14:57,000
Thank you all for watching.
1396
01:14:57,800 --> 01:15:02,720
Accept all my affection and everything
1397
01:15:02,800 --> 01:15:03,920
I always gave you,
1398
01:15:04,640 --> 01:15:07,680
and will continue to give you,
even as I'm on the road.
1399
01:15:07,760 --> 01:15:09,400
You're always in my thoughts.
1400
01:15:10,840 --> 01:15:14,360
You're really banging on about Gila.
Are we only gonna talk about Gila today?
1401
01:15:14,440 --> 01:15:18,000
He's obviously a role model
in stand-up, right?
1402
01:15:18,520 --> 01:15:21,840
He was a pioneer
for stand-up comics in this country.
1403
01:15:21,920 --> 01:15:24,600
Gila was already quite old
when I was little,
1404
01:15:24,680 --> 01:15:27,080
but he was in amazing shape.
1405
01:15:27,160 --> 01:15:29,560
And the bits, as we've seen today,
1406
01:15:29,640 --> 01:15:32,600
still work as if
they were written yesterday.
1407
01:15:32,680 --> 01:15:35,880
The lines are the same, but instead
of "parents," I say "grandparents."
1408
01:15:35,960 --> 01:15:38,920
And they still work.
They worked at the time,
1409
01:15:39,000 --> 01:15:41,760
and they're still current today,
which is awesome.
1410
01:15:41,840 --> 01:15:45,480
It's weird because you know
you won't tell it better than him.
1411
01:15:45,560 --> 01:15:51,360
When you dial the phone,
you channel Gila's spirit in the lines.
1412
01:15:51,440 --> 01:15:52,360
He takes over.
1413
01:15:53,040 --> 01:15:56,680
Is this a heartfelt tribute or what?
1414
01:15:57,840 --> 01:16:01,240
Gila is a big part of my childhood.
1415
01:16:01,320 --> 01:16:04,200
I watched him with my parents,
and it's a beautiful memory.
1416
01:16:04,280 --> 01:16:05,120
Yes.
1417
01:16:13,240 --> 01:16:16,320
Subtitle translation by: M. C.