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[audience cheering]
- Oh, what's up?
[laughs] Oh, man.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Oh, man.
Thank you.
Thanks for being here.
My dad was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer,
and then a year later, he passed away.
And then the next day, I went to a cafe,
and they were all out of oat milk.
So it's like, pile it on.
Oh, when does it end?
And my dad, he went from being the healthiest person
I knew to having a terminal diagnosis overnight.
And he died of an aggressive form of brain cancer called
glioblastoma, which, if you don't know,
I'm shocked because I tell everyone, OK?
I tell every single person.
I mean, like people hate spam callers.
Not me, baby.
No if I see an unknown number, I pick up.
I'm like, hello?
They're like, Hi, Ms. Limperis.
Hi.
We regret to inform you that your car warranty has--"
I'm like, let me stop you right there.
This is a freaky fricking coincidence
because my dad had a car.
And he died of-- click.
I'm the first person to ever get hung up on by a spam caller.
I call them back just like, hi, Hey there.
Oh, sorry.
I think we got disconnected back there.
Anyway, so she died of-- and it was--
And they're like, yeah, no, no, no.
We know.
Yeah.
It was Stage IV.
Please don't call this number again.
But I talk about it a lot for a lot of reasons.
One, I'm a very emotional person.
It took me four years to get over my high school boyfriend.
High school, yeah.
And he didn't even know we were dating.
OK.
So, yeah.
I'm like, I miss you so much Derek.
He's like, I recognize your face.
I can't place your name.
But also I talk about it a lot because it
was an event that really shaped and changed the rest
of my life.
I was in my early 20s when it happened,
and I was just extremely dependent on my parents.
I didn't really have an identity outside of them.
I went home every weekend.
I couldn't make a decision without them.
I really needed them.
I was the type of kid, for example,
who had to get picked up at sleepovers at 23.
Just like mom, dad, get over here.
This guy is not the one.
I'll tell you more later but a lot of tongue, a lot of tongue.
Oh, and a little bit of teeth, too, terrible combo.
Oh, come get me.
Yeah.
I know.
I was living a very like young lifestyle
when it happened in New York City,
not like young like cool hip going
to the club kind of young.
More like young like wash my sheets annually kind of young.
That was kind of the vibe.
More young like-- the fanciest dish
I'd ever eaten in New York City was a salmon sushi roll.
from Duane Reade.
OK?
Yeah.
Some people are like, no, they don't sell that there.
They do.
They should not, but baby, they do.
I'll tell you what, I don't remember how it tasted.
I remember how it felt, warm.
To further paint the scene, I was living in an apartment
with three people I met on Craigslist, one of which
had two dogs.
And I tell you what, he had a very sort of quirky kind of fun
way that he potty trained his dogs, which
was that he did not.
He did not, no.
He opted out of that.
Good.
So what that meant was that those dogs were
free to pee wherever and whenever they
wanted within the home.
Yeah, that was obviously extremely disgusting,
extremely, but also a move I did homecoming weekend
my junior year in college.
OK?
Yeah.
OK.
I've been there.
I'm like fluffy.
I do not respect you, but I see you.
OK?
I get you.
I have been there.
And if you're like, oh, no.
That can't be real.
I have the name and phone number of a very kind gentleman
whose rugs are, opinion of me, will never be the same, OK?
Yeah.
No.
But I was living in the pee-pee apartment when I got the call.
And I remember my mom and dad, they called me,
and they were on speaker.
And there was just like a lot of screaming.
I just knew something-- it was just immediate.
I knew something was very wrong.
They were screaming.
I couldn't really make out what was happening,
but I heard tumor and come home.
And I just hung up, and I was in my room.
And I just sort of--
I shrunk down.
And I remember thinking, man, I'm
going to sit here in my closet.
I remember.
And I just sat, and I thought, this is it.
This is the last moment that my life is like this
because the minute I stand up, I'm entering into a new world.
Everything's changed.
Because when I got up, my problems just were different.
And they became different overnight.
All of a sudden, my main problem was that my dad
was dying very quickly.
The weekend prior, my main problem was,
I can't believe Stephanie forgot to invite me to brunch.
But no, you go through something like this
that's like traumatic.
And then you look back at those types of problems.
And they're just like so silly and frivolous.
And Stephanie, if you're here tonight,
I haven't forgot-- or Stephanie, if you're watching at home, hi.
Yeah.
You thought you were going to avoid me.
No, I see you.
Oh, you forgot to add me to the group chat I was already on?
You thought I'd forgotten.
I'll never forget the pictures you guys took.
Those were beautiful photos.
And you posted to Instagram right away.
Oh, you forgot.
Yeah, OK.
No, but the minute I got that call,
there was no question in my mind I was moving home.
Immediately, I packed my bags, and I moved home
to be with my dad because he was my best friend and my rock.
My dad was awesome.
He was such a magical, really playful guy.
He was like a big kid.
He just had so much energy.
He was so playful.
I feel like in most families, the parents
are the ones who have to be like, kids, kids.
Hey, guys.
Come on.
It's time for bed.
Let's go.
No, I don't care.
No not one more.
No, stop.
Phones down.
It's time for bed.
In my house, it was just like, Dad, please, we can't
play another round of monopoly.
Ah, we're exhausted.
We got the SATs tomorrow.
He's like, come on.
One more.
Just one more.
Who needs the SATs?
Who cares?
Most colleges don't even look at that.
It's the essay.
He didn't care what anyone thought about him,
like in a remarkable way.
My dad once won a costume contest,
and he didn't even know there was one.
He did not know.
This man showed up to an event in his normal wear,
and they were like, that's the craziest thing we've ever seen.
But that was him.
He was so supportive of me, arguably too supportive.
My dad showed up to every single one of my track
meets with a matching red sweat suit and a sign that
had a pun on it in high school.
I mean, in high school, that should have totally embarrassed
me, annihilated me.
But actually, it didn't.
And you know why?
Because I had my own tips and tricks
for how to get out of that because I was
already embarrassing myself.
Yes.
You can't embarrass me because I'm doing it on my own, dad.
This is, unfortunately, a true story.
This is about my sophomore year in high school.
So everyone take a second.
You're going, oh, Euphoria-- think of like,
they're in high school.
It's kind of that age range.
Kind of of picture what they look like.
Picture there-- me.
So sophomore year, I walk into the cafeteria.
All my friends are at a table, and I go to the table.
And I see etched on the table is Nick loves--
now, let me set the scene.
Nick was the hottest guy ever.
Maybe.
Who knows?
Do you remember high school?
It was like, oh, when a guy looked at me, I was just like,
oh, my god.
[squeals] And then you grow older.
And literally, the perfect person could come.
They could be Prince Charming.
And he'd leave, and I'd be like to my friends
like, I just feel like his hair was a little bit too blond.
Does that make sense?
Just a little bit.
But when you're younger, he made eye contact.
He is my husband.
So that was Nick.
I was like, he's my husband.
So I walked to the table, and I see Nick loves cock.
And I just very proudly turn to all my friends,
and I just said, well, well, well, you ladies
can just call me cock.
And they were like, do you know what cock means?
And folks, that is when I learned what cock meant.
Yeah.
That was the moment.
And I'll tell you what the nickname stuck.
The nickname, it stuck.
Yeah.
My dad was a nut.
He was nuts.
He had so much energy.
He had so much energy, and he put all that energy
into exercise.
My dad ran every single day for 30 years.
30 years, my dad did not miss a day.
The only thing I've done every day for 30 years is wake up.
And even that sometimes I've come dangerously close.
I'm like, wow, 18.
OK.
18 hours, that is a new record.
I miss the sun entirely.
Oh, wow.
Ooh, OK.
But my dad just--
he loved exercise.
Literally, nothing could come between him and exercise.
Now, I love exercise.
But literally, anything could come between me and exercise.
And I'm talking anything.
If I was supposed to go for a jog today
and it was drizzling two days ago, I'd cancel the jog.
I can't.
I'd be like, do you remember the rain?
Oh, what if I--
the roads could still be slippery.
My ankles?
No.
Uh-uh.
They are weak.
No, no.
I think my dad just had a lot of anxiety,
and he just kind of took that anxiety.
And he put it into running, which I totally get,
because I have a lot of anxiety.
And I have sort of a different tactic.
I sort of take--
I take all that anxiety, and I just put it
into thinking I'm pregnant.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I just sort of shove it into having
a pregnancy scare all the time.
Oh, yeah.
I'm constantly thinking I'm pregnant.
People hear that joke, they're like, why aren't you
on birth control?
I'm like, birth control?
Baby, I got an IUD in every hole.
Birth control, birth control.
I've taken Plan B more times than I've had sex, OK?
I pop that shit like they're multivitamins, OK?
La, la, la.
I'm just like, yeah.
I'm like a citronella candle for sperm.
It can't come near me.
It fears me.
Yet, even still, I will be on my period AND I'll be like,
I don't know.
I hope it's my period.
Could be my period, I hope.
Could be the baby with a bloody nose.
I hope not.
Look, look, look.
I hope it is my period.
I hope.
Could be my beautiful baby girl on her period.
OK.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
the GMOs, the stuff they're putting in food these days?
Come on.
The apples are too big.
The apples are too big, and we all know it.
We all know it.
Oh, sure.
You like the Honeycrisp apple.
It's the size of your head.
Do you think our grandparents had those?
No, they called Red Delicious Red Delicious.
That was the best they had.
Anyway, I think it's because I had sort of a late introduction
to sex.
I still remember having the sex talk with my parents.
You guys remember that?
It's so awkward.
My parents were just like, sweetheart, you're 21.
Start having sex, OK?
Let's go.
Put a move on.
Let's go.
Make us proud, OK?
No, I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
I was 22.
Yeah.
No, but now, I've been dating someone for a long time.
Yay.
I've been dating awhile.
We've been dating awhile.
And we were long distance for a bit.
And I know what people say.
People are always like, long distance-- well--
I know what they say.
But actually, I'll say this.
After doing long distance, it actually was pretty bad.
Yeah.
Yeah, not fun.
No, not fun at all.
Terrible, terrible.
And I was complaining about it to a friend.
And I remember she was just like, whoa,
one perk is you can grow it out down there.
I was like, what?
Oh.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Oh, I'm Greek and Italian.
It doesn't matter who's in town, OK?
I don't call the shots down there.
You hear me?
That's not my domain, OK?
I'm telling you, if I shave and then go to the beach,
you better take that picture fast.
You better get-- when the towel goes down,
you better be getting that picture.
If you take a boomerang of me at the beach, you'll be like,
you'll see one side.
You'll go, oh, that's clean.
Then you you go, wait, what's happening there?
what?
I think it's a little darker there.
What's happening?
That's the thing.
And I've tried everything.
Man, I've shaved.
I've waxed.
I've done laser.
It's like trying to unsubscribe from an email list
no matter what I do.
It's coming back.
Yeah.
But anyway, I've been dating my boyfriend for a while.
And to sort of spice it up at a certain point,
we were like, let's go to a sex shop.
Wow.
I have never been more overwhelmed in my life.
Hi.
I walked in.
I didn't know what anything was.
I felt like I was like in a museum with cool friends I was
trying to impress, kind of just like, oh, that's--
I know that one.
It goes, oh, right.
Right.
Yes, yes, yes, yes,
I'm familiar.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, I do know-- oh, my god, there it is.
Hello.
The Hitachi.
I have heard so many good things about your work, the big one.
Yeah, the big one.
Cool, very cool.
It was just like--
it was so intimidating because I walked in being like,
I'd like to have a better sexual experience.
And then you walk in, and they're just like, hi there.
Would you like to try the detonator?
I'm like, oh, I don't think so.
They're like, it goes in one hole, comes out the other.
I don't think I want that.
I want to kind of just walk in and be drawn to an aura.
I'm sort of like-- it's like a little sparkly,
and it's like almost like a cloud, you could say.
And you just-- it's kind of floating and you go,
ooh, and you take it with you.
And you take it with you home.
And you put it right by your bed.
And then when you're having sex, every once in a while,
it just says, you're doing a great job.
Yeah.
Hey, everything's going to be OK.
That's what I wanted.
They were like, would you like a bag of spikes?
It's like, no.
What do I got to do with that?
So anyway, we found like the closest thing
to the cloud, which was just this
like tiny little purple thing, fun.
And we use it during sex, which is great.
I recommend it.
It's so fun.
But my boyfriend kind of likes to finish the job, so to speak.
So meaning we'll start with the vibrator.
You know what I mean?
So we'll start with the vibrator.
But then, at a certain point, my boyfriend kind of
likes to like baton toss off, kind of give it a little slap
on the butt, like good work.
Your job here is done.
I'll take it from here, robot.
Which, listen, I get it.
I respect it.
Sure.
For my boyfriend, that's great.
For me, for someone like me in that situation--
So what that would mean was we were going from automatic
to manual, right?
So yeah, we run from robot to a human.
You guys ever been at the airport?
Just on one of those moving walkways like, OK, great.
OK, perfect.
Great.
So gate 16, we'll get there just in time.
Maybe we'll even get a little bit of snack.
And then you step off, and you're like, whoa, OK.
Hold on.
OK, where are my legs?
Oh, my god, I don't know where to walk.
OK.
Yeah.
No, gate 16.
Yeah.
All right.
Well, we might get there, but we're going to miss the flight.
Where was I?
That's right.
My dying dad.
Yes, that's it.
It was right off the tip of my tongue.
Perfect transition.
That's a perfect seamless transition.
But no, my dad and I exercised a lot.
That became something that we did together to bond.
He really wasn't good at talking about how he felt. But I
felt with exercise, it helped.
At the end of a long bike or a long run,
we'd start to talk to each other and get
to know each other a bit.
And that became something we did.
Every time I went home, it was what are we going to do.
We would like-- yeah, we would run together.
We'd swim.
We'd bike.
We'd hike.
My dad and I hiked across an entire state.
The state was Rhode Island.
So a little bit less impressive, OK?
Took about 15 minutes there and back.
No, Rhode Island's so small, man.
I'm from right outside of Rhode Island.
I did a show in Providence.
I swear to God this guy came up to me afterwards.
He was like, hi, how are you?
You don't know me?
I'm your cousin.
I love it.
You got to love it.
Rhode Island's so small.
If you want to mail a package, you don't need a last name.
You just need an adjective, OK?
It's like, where's this going?
That's going to Paulie.
Big Paulie or crazy Paulie?
Crazy Paulie.
How's he doing?
Not good.
Yeah, yeah.
But no, that hike actually took about a week.
And we spaced it out.
And each day, we were together probably hiking
for about 10 hours.
And those are some of the best times I had with my dad.
I feel so lucky.
It was like I remember even when I was doing them being like,
this is special.
And to have those moments now, it was like the best.
I just got to know my dad, and we walked and connected a lot.
And it became something that we did.
Whenever I wanted to bond, we would hike a mountain
or plan a trip.
My dad and I were similar, but we were different.
My dad was just an extreme optimist.
He saw just life very brightly.
And I was a bit of a pessimist.
I had trouble seeing the brightness in life, especially
in college.
I was going through a dark time.
I didn't really feel well.
I was struggling to find happiness or feel good,
and I remember calling my dad and just saying, like,
man, I don't know.
I want to get out of here.
I want to drop out.
And he was like, you stay there.
I'll come up and visit you.
And he did.
And he said, let's go for a run.
So he got there, and we went for a run.
[music playing]
We started running.
I went to school in Vermont.
My dad said, look around you.
The sun's out.
It's beautiful.
What's there to be worried about?
And I remember being mad in that moment and saying like,
man, you don't get it.
If you knew what it was like to feel the way I was feeling,
if you know what it was like to have a bad day,
you wouldn't be saying that right now.
And then five years later, we went on a 50-mile bike ride.
I went back to New York.
Then I got the call that my dad had a terminal brain tumor.
I rushed home.
I went to the hospital.
I sat on my dad's bed, and the doctor said,
Jim, we have to do surgery on Monday.
You can either stay here over the weekend,
or we can send you with meds home.
And you can come back.
My dad looked out the window, and he said,
it's going to be beautiful.
I want to get home and get in the sun.
My dad got the worst news you can possibly get.
And he still kept that attitude he had five years prior.
My dad had the surgery, and they took the tumor out.
He slowed down a little bit.
But still, every day, he'd be the one saying, hey,
let's get outside.
Let's go for a jog.
Let's go for a brisk walk.
And he did radiation, slowed down a little bit more.
But still, every day, he was like, let's go on a hike.
Let's find a new place to hike.
And he did chemo, and he slowed down even more.
Still, he was the one to get us out.
Let's go to a beach.
Let's find a new place to go.
Then one day, the left side of his body stopped working,
and he was scared and confused.
But he still was the person getting us outside, saying,
let's go get in the sun.
At a certain point, he had to use a walker.
I just remember him saying, come on, Alyssa.
Let's see how many laps we can get around the block.
Let's see if I can master this walker.
And then one day, my marathoner of a dad
wasn't able to use either side of his body.
And he had to be put in a wheelchair.
But still, every day, the first thing
he'd say to me in the morning was, can you wheel me outside?
I want to be in the sun.
One day, we went up to see a scan, and the doctor said,
Jim, I'm sorry.
The tumor is growing back aggressively.
We've done everything, and there's nothing more we can do.
My dad said, thank you.
We drove home.
And the next morning, my dad woke up.
He said, man, it's beautiful out.
Especially for October, kind of feels like a pool day.
My dad got told he had no time left.
And without being able to use his legs or his arms,
asked me, my brother, and my mom to pick him up and put him
in the pool.
And we went in the pool, and we splashed.
And we sang.
And a few days later, I went to pick my dad up
in the morning out of bed, and I picked him up.
He had a seizure in my arms, and he fell into a coma.
[music playing]
My dad stayed in a coma for seven days.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.
And on the seventh day as the sun was setting,
my dad took his last breath.
And I remember thinking, wow, even in a coma,
my dad managed to find his way into the sun.
I remember he took his last breath, and I rushed outside.
And I looked up the sky, and it was beautiful.
There were pinks and yellows and birds, and I thought,
that's where my dad lives now.
He's free, free from the body that failed him.
I really felt my dad with me when he was in a coma.
He couldn't speak or hear or move,
but I really felt like he was just there.
It was so clear.
So then when he died, I was like, well, that's it.
The same way I felt him in a coma.
If I try hard enough, I can feel him all the time.
And I can.
It's harder without a body.
But whenever I need him, he's there.
I feel him.
When I'm back in LA where I live, I feel him in the sky.
I feel him when I'm in New York.
I feel him here.
Wait a minute, I'm so sorry.
Do your thing.
Sorry.
I hate to intrude, but I can't help but notice an empty seat
here.
This was a sold out show.
So an empty seat, that's a little weird.
Something's up.
Do you happen to feel the presence
of my past father next to you?
- [laughs] Yes.
- That's a yes.
That's an affirmative.
[applause]
He is in the building.
All right.
Awesome, awesome, awesome.
Do your thing.
Talk amongst yourselves.
If you're at home, grab a snack.
Go ahead.
Listen to me.
I got to talk to you quickly.
This is so tacky.
I'm doing this.
But I got to pounce on the opportunity while I got it.
Listen to me.
Any chance you could chitchat with him
briefly about the will?
No, look.
No, I know.
I know.
Of course.
No, I know.
I know.
It's tacky.
But look, he went 50-50, me and my brother.
Fine at the moment.
Fair.
But now, here I am kind of telling you guys about my dad,
right?
Where's he?
You know what I mean.
I'm not asking for something.
I don't want 100.
No, I'm not an animal.
I'm just thinking like, I don't know.
Maybe we just get a--
you know, get a 70-30 split.
Look, start high.
Then he'll come-- he was in sales.
He's going to haggle you.
I don't want to tell you how to do your job.
You do your thing.
But OK, you do your thing, yeah.
Hi, how are we doing?
Great jacket.
Very cool.
Hi.
Yeah.
OK, very cool, very cool.
You're my aunt.
[laughs] And, like there was a choice there
of how are we doing.
It's like, no, no.
Yeah, I know you've seen this show 17 times.
Good to see you again.
True story.
I did a show in Boston.
I checked into my hotel room.
I hear a knock on the door that connects.
When there's a door, I open it.
My aunt and uncle are like, we requested the room next to you.
The glee on their faces.
It was the most Greek thing that's
ever happened in my life.
All right.
All right, great.
What do you say?
- He'll do 65.
I'm going to take that as a win.
Thank you.
Hi there.
Hi.
You guys a couple?
OK.
Well, well, well.
Do you guys ever--
just a little sometimes.
I'll take sometimes.
And when you guys are ever--
have you ever had this feeling where
you're like, what the heck?
I just felt a cool breeze.
And I know I closed all the windows.
You closed the window.
Where the heck is that coming from?
Ever happened to you guys?
- All the time.
Well, I have good news for you.
What's your name?
- Sam.
- Sam, I have excellent news for you.
If that happens all the time, that
means my father is very close to you.
That means my father's-- he endorses this relationship.
A round of applause for our couple and our negotiator.
Thank you.
[applause]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yes.
No, I do feel my dad everywhere with me.
But my mom, she kind of likes more
like concrete signs, which is fine.
I get that.
That's cool.
But she'll just take it a little bit too far.
We'll be walking, and she'll just be like, oh, my god.
You're never going to believe this.
I can't even believe my own eyes.
Alyssa, get back here.
Alyssa, come back and squat down.
I'm serious.
Squat down.
Squat down with me.
And you're going to want to squint because it's
a little bit a ways away.
But if you squint down about a mile, you see there's a puddle.
It's a little dirty.
Yeah, look beneath the leaves.
Under the leaves, you see that?
There's a penny.
And guess what?
It's heads up.
That's your father.
It's like, that's my dad right there?
No.
She's like, oh.
What are the odds of this?
Look at this.
Come here.
In the middle of New York City, a feather.
A feather in the middle of New York City.
I'm like, mom, that's a dead pigeon.
I feel like I could tell my mom anything.
I could be like, mom, bad news.
I have bedbugs.
And she'd be like, ooh, that's your father
holding you very close.
I would kill for that sign.
I would kill for it.
Fun fact, I did have bedbugs once.
I did.
Not the worst thing I've ever slept with.
I mean, what?
The whole experience may be very spiritual.
I grew up really religious.
I grew up Greek Orthodox.
And yes.
And I went to Catholic school, Greek Orthodox
and Catholic school, which, I believe,
officially makes me an archbishop.
Honestly, if the stations of the cross in two languages,
they just send you the big hat.
They send it.
The religions are pretty similar.
They both have the concept of sin,
but they approach it differently.
Catholicism-- a lot of guilt. Greek orthodoxy--
a lot of pride, a little bit too much pride.
I feel like someone could literally rob a bank.
And in church on Sunday, an old lady would be like,
did you hear how much money Yorgos make?
Did you hear how-- oh, yes.
He robbed the biggest bank.
Oh, he robbed the--
not a credit union.
No, no, no, no, no.
Big bank, big bank.
Everybody's so scared.
He makes so much money.
They found out that the CEO of Pfizer was Greek.
It's the best thing that's ever happened to them.
I mean, everyone in my family just absolutely flipped.
It became the whole thing.
Yeah, my grandparents even go to the doctor.
They can have a broken leg, and they'd be like, it's OK.
I eat garlic.
But they all of a sudden just championed the vaccine
because it was Pfizer.
They were so excited.
Are you guys vaccinated?
What vaccine did you get?
- Moderna.
- Oh, my god.
I cannot believe on the day of the taping,
you come to me's front row.
Front row you look me in the eyes, front row.
And you say, oh, I don't know.
I think Moderna.
Why?
Pfizer no good enough for you?
Oh, no.
Oh, Pfizer no good.
I go with Moderna.
You go with Moderna.
Which one you get?
Oh, my god.
When I tell you, she look at me.
She go, me, me, me.
I smile so big.
I go, oh, my god.
She got the Pfizer.
She got the Pfizer in the front row, and then she proudly said,
J&J. Oh, my god.
J&J. You mean to tell me you're proud you got one
with two boy who no Greek?
You?
- Pfizer.
- Etsi bravo.
Etsi Bravo.
Etsi, etsi bravo.
This is so good.
You know why this good?
If this man get Pfizer in the front row,
none of us going to get COVID.
COVID gone.
COVID gone because he got the big strong one from Pfizer.
Very good, very good.
Oh, yes.
Yes.
Anyway, that's what happened.
[laughs] Oh, oh, its too nice.
Oh, my god.
Yeah.
It was really scary losing one parent.
I became just extremely protective of my other parent.
I was so scared all the time that something
was going to happen to her.
I remember like I was visiting home once, and I got home.
And my mom wasn't wearing her seat belt.
And I was so mad at her.
I was like, Mom, you have to wear your seat belt always,
always.
And she was like, Alyssa, we're watching a movie.
I was like, yeah, it's a horror.
OK.
I don't want to take any risks.
Click it or ticket.
I installed them in the sofa.
Let's go.
I kind of wanted my mom to be treated like the way CVS
treats Dove deodorant.
Just like, I want you behind glass.
And if anyone wants to touch you,
they got to come to me first, OK?
That's what I wanted.
Yeah.
But it was very overwhelming.
I was a kid.
I went from being this kid who was so overly
dependent on her parents to just taking care of my strong dad
as he weakly evaporated in my arms
and watching my stoic mom crumble and become terrified
and fall into deep grief.
I felt like the foundation just dropped from below me,
and I had nowhere to stand.
And I was terrified, and I immediately
started having panic attacks.
I didn't know what was happening at first.
I kind of thought like, a panic-- it's a panic attack.
I thought it was kind of in the word.
If I was going to have a panic attack,
it would just kind of be me going like, I'm panicking.
It would just kind of be like Kevin from Home Alone like--
[screams]
But that wasn't it.
The first time it happened, I all of a sudden
felt like I had to maybe throw up, and I got really sweaty.
I had to take all my clothes off.
I would fall on the bathroom floor,
and I felt like I couldn't breathe.
And I was really going to die, or my heart
was going to give out.
And then it would just pass.
And the first time this happened,
it was the night of my dad's funeral.
And I remember being on the ground
and instead of being like, this is probably
part of my act of grief.
I was like, see?
I told you.
I'm pregnant.
What did I tell you?
Yeah, sure.
Haven't had sex in 13 months.
It doesn't matter.
It's a miracle.
Immaculate conception number two.
Folks, that's the kind of riff you only
get if you have my level of religious experience.
That's an archbishop riff right there.
You understand me?
But, no.
I think maybe part of me knew that that
had something to do with my grief,
but I preferred to not look at it.
And I would just hope it would go away
and that maybe if I just didn't worry about it,
it wouldn't come back.
But then basically, every few months, it would come back.
That to me is very representative of how
I handled grief was just well, maybe if I don't look at it,
it's not real.
I didn't really want to accept it.
You guys familiar with the stages of grief?
You are.
OK, good.
Well, if you're not, no problem.
I got you covered.
I'm just going to take you through the stages of grief.
Here.
Here we go.
So here we got denial--
I looked at that list, and I was like, oh, I
don't have the time for that.
Five?
Too many.
And then I was just like, let me see.
Oh, my god.
Girl., wait.
Wait.
I know you.
We went to college together.
Hi.
Oh, my god, it's so good to see you.
Hello.
Good to see you.
Yeah.
Actually, in college, I-- this is kind of a brag, I guess.
But I got my master's in depression.
Do you guys know--
yeah, yeah, yeah.
I went through the five stages of depression actually.
Do you guys know about the-- you're not familiar.
OK, don't worry.
I'll fill you in.
So these are the five stages of depression.
OK.
Here we go.
Stage one-- yeah.
You're going to want to do that out the gate, OK?
Yeah.
bobs, bangs, that's kind of the world we're in here.
Bleach, pink, anything that works.
OK.
Stage two-- once you've done that, you move on to stage two,
which is--
Yeah.
And you're like, oh, well, that's kind of good.
Is it warm?
No, honey.
It's dead cold.
You're pulling that out.
And not only is it dead cold.
You've got to do the sniff test, OK?
You take that out.
You smell it.
You're like-- and then you eat it, OK?
Once you've done that, you can move on to stage three.
Stage three-- OK.
You're going to burst into tears when someone asks you
some invasive questions, like--
No.
How dare you.
Or-- How dare you ask me that.
No, please.
Back up, back up.
OK.
So stage 4, you're going to want to wear
the same outfit every day.
Yeah.
You just pick something that works.
What is the outfit?
This is the outfit.
Yeah.
There it is.
The duvet cover is the outfit.
OK, stage 5.
And this is the final stage.
Carlo Rossi.
Some people may not know that.
You go, what's Carlo Ro-- is that a gentleman?
It's a gentleman.
You two are going to become very close friends.
And if you don't know, this is a type of wine
that doesn't come in a bottle, folks.
It comes in a jug.
This is a quantity game.
When you're at stage five, you're in the quantity game,
OK?
If you're like, what's the jug?
I'll show you the jug.
That's the damn jug.
You know the damn jug.
You know that none of us are above this jug, none of us, OK?
You pop a straw in that, at about 4:00 PM, congratulations.
You are now a professional in depression.
A round of applause for you guys.
Congratulations.
Yes.
[applause]
Yeah.
I think I didn't want to go through the stages of grief
because that would mean I'd be working towards acceptance.
And I didn't want to do that.
I saw acceptance as letting go.
And I didn't want to let go because if I let go,
then I'd be letting go of the last piece of my dad I had.
And then he'd really be gone.
And then I would have nothing.
And I was scared, and I didn't want to do that.
And so I clung, and I clung.
And I kept having panic attacks.
Eventually, I went to therapy.
And that changed my life.
Anyone here in therapy?
That's great.
See, that's the New York show.
That's great.
I do this show on the road.
I'm like, anyone in therapy?
And it's just one guy in the back like--
Yeah.
But I started going to therapy.
And that changed my life, man.
I owe everything to my therapist.
She helped me at first.
I remember having a panic attack.
And I called her.
I was like, doctor, I'm having a panic attack.
I don't feel good.
She was like, hey, Alyssa.
Just breathe.
And I remember being like, hmm.
Wait, but I pay you.
So if I pay you, I'm going to need your advice
to be better than something I would
read on a mug at my aunt's house, OK?
I'm like, I don't know.
I don't feel too well.
She's like, hey, Alyssa, Alyssa.
Live, laugh, love, OK?
I was like, I don't know.
I don't feel good.
And she's like, hey, Alyssa.
It's wine o'clock somewhere.
OK?
Yeah.
Bottoms up, baby.
She was great.
She helped me actually accept what was happening
instead of fighting it.
I felt like I was holding on to this life that was gone,
and I wasn't moving forward.
So I was just floating in midair.
And she helped me ground my feet and say, hey,
you got to move forward.
You got to start building a life.
And she helped me build a new life.
And she taught me about taking care of myself.
I think I was a type of person who was always
like needing other people's help or feeling like I needed
someone to save me or help me.
And she helped me realize like that's something
you can do within yourself.
It's this technique called parenting yourself.
Do you guys know this?
Parenting yourself.
You don't know?
It's basically a technique where you give yourself something
that you wish a parent could give you
or that they can't give you.
Or you treat yourself like you're a kid.
I remember the first time she told it to me
I tried it for a week, and I learned a lot.
And I lost custody.
Just right away, they were like, no.
Who signed off on this?
No, uh-uh.
Absolutely not.
No.
But yeah, it was a great technique.
And I feel like over time, I really
did learn to become my own parent,
and I'm happy that now I feel I can live without a dad.
I can function.
I'm an adult. And that's great.
Though, of course, sometimes I miss having a dad.
Did they tell you guys?
Do they tell you?
They didn't tell you?
They did they tell you guys?
They didn't.
OK.
Because I'm looking for a dad tonight.
Oh, you guys didn't know.
Oh, OK.
Yeah, no, I'm looking for a dad.
Yeah, it's an open call.
It's an open call.
So yeah.
Basically, what I need is just a dad to come on stage and just
answer a few questions if that's--
the Pfizer man, would you do it?
Pfizer, would you do it?
Would you do it?
What's your name?
- Jeff.
- Jeff, come on up here.
Big round of applause for Jeff.
Yes.
All right.
Come on up, Jeff.
Woo!
All right, Jeff.
I'm going to be here.
I'm going to put you right here.
Take a seat, Jeff.
Wonderful.
Oh, yep.
Sure.
Yep.
Wonderful.
Jeff.
I'll tell you what, I'm feeling good about the quarter zip.
I am feeling good about a quarter zip.
That is very good dad material.
We're off to a great start.
OK, here's what's going to happen.
I'm going to ask you some questions.
Whether or not you get these right or wrong,
legally, you are now my father, OK?
Legally, yes.
So that works for you?
- You're out of college.
I don't have to pay for you anymore.
- Oh, believe me, buddy.
I'm still a financial drain.
Oh.
Yeah, OK.
Jeff, without further ado, this is
who wants to be my dad, who wants to be my dad.
[vocalizes] OK.
First question, low.
This is just a softball here for you, Jeff.
How do I schedule a dentist appointment?
- Call the--
- So all of a sudden, we're off to a bad start.
That is not-- I got to cut you off.
The answer is you don't do that.
I do it for you, OK?
OK.
He understands now.
Good.
You're getting it.
He's getting it.
Yeah.
Now, we're warming up.
We're getting it.
OK.
All right, Jeff.
Here we go.
You call me.
I don't pick up.
Nothing urgent to say.
What do you do?
- I drive over and find out why you're not picking up.
- Not bad.
Not bad.
Honestly, that is really good.
I'll tell you what.
That's better than my-- mine was, alternatively,
you would leave a detailed six-minute voice mail.
Details, OK?
But I think coming over, we're going to count that as one.
We're going to count that as one.
OK, great.
OK.
Oh, here we go.
I think you're going to get this one, Jeff.
My boyfriend thinks we should split chores 50-50, totally
reasonable, totally reasonable.
What do you think about that?
- I think he gets 100%.
- Ah!
[laughs] Yes, Jeff.
Points on the board for Jeff.
Jeff, that is the exact answer we were looking for.
That's wonderful.
Now we're really warming up.
OK.
I'm going to sing a little something for you, OK?
(SINGS) Never mind, I'll find someone like you.
How'd I do?
- You should be on stage.
- Aha.
Not bad.
Very nice.
Unfortunately, Jeff, yeah, the answer we were looking for
is oh, Adele is shaking in her boots, OK?
Jeff, final question for all the money in the world.
Where do you buy your pants?
- Oh, whatever shows up in my closet, I wear.
- Not bad.
Not bad.
But Jeff, not bad.
But the answer we were looking for and say it with me,
folks, is the same place as 20-pound peanut
butter and a flat-screen TV.
Jeff, thank you so much.
Thank you.
A big round of applause for Jeff.
Thank you.
A big round of applause for Jeff.
See you at Christmas.
I'll see you at Christmas.
I didn't get a goodbye from my dad, and I really wanted one.
I was home for a year.
There was time.
But like I said, my dad was just not
able to express his emotions that well,
and he just didn't want to talk about it.
And I couldn't get a goodbye, and I tried.
And I tried because I wanted not just a goodbye but the goodbye.
Do you know which one I'm talking about?
The goodbye from a movie, where the dad's in his room
and he's just like, [sighs] daughter, daughter, come quick.
I fear there's not much time.
And I have things I must tell you.
One, take care of your mother.
Two, the business is yours.
And three, buried way deep, there's a box.
And in this box, you'll find--
and then he dies.
And you're like, oh, my god!
Where's the box?
What's in the box?
You don't know, but you keep looking for the box.
You search for the box.
You get a tattoo of the box.
Your life has meaning and purpose and guidance.
I didn't get that.
And I wanted it.
And I was so scared to not have it.
And I remember a lot of people trying to comfort me
after my dad died.
And I don't think there's anything wrong
you can say when someone dies because I still
don't know what to say.
It's a weird thing.
It's impossible.
But there's one thing that people
said that I take some umbrage with,
which is time heals all wounds.
It's been six years since my dad died, six.
And I am still wounded.
I miss my dad every day.
If you're here and you're comfortable sharing,
keep your hands up the whole time.
Who here is also missing a dad that they've lost,
or a mom, or a grandparent, or a child, or a sibling,
or a partner, or a friend, or someone they once loved?
Everyone's grieving.
Everyone you see walking down the street is grieving.
Whether it's loss or death or just mourning
the passage of time, it's all grief.
We're all walking around just wounded by the memory of love
and haunted by its absence.
You don't heal from that because it becomes a part of you.
Time doesn't heal.
But time does change things.
It's been six years.
That's a lot of time.
I have lived a lot of life since my dad died.
I've explored.
I've hardened.
I've shrunk.
I've come alive.
I've bent.
I have broken.
I've wobbled.
I've grown.
I've changed.
I'm a different person than the person I was when my dad died.
I'm totally different.
I live on a different side of the country.
I move at a different pace of life.
My community is different.
My career is different.
My friends are different.
The house that I grew up in and watched my dad take
his last breath in is gone.
Everything about my life is different.
There's nothing in my life right now
that looks the same way it did when my dad was alive.
It's a little scary to think like, man, I don't even
know if he'd recognize this version of me.
I'm different.
I was a kid when he knew me.
And now I'm an adult. The only thing
I have left of my dad in my current life is this show.
I've been doing this show for six years.
I started doing it three months after my dad
died like a maniac.
I remember doing it for the first time when people saying
like, wow, it's so cool of you to be processing
your grief like this.
I think that's generous.
It's nice, but that's generous.
I don't think that's what I was doing at all.
I think that I was hanging on for dear life to my dad.
I think that I was still clinging.
I didn't want to let go.
I was just hoping that if I kept doing the show,
if I kept talking about my dad, that my dad would
get to travel with me as my life was changing
and as I was moving away from him.
And now, tonight, this is the last time
I'll ever do this show.
And after this, that's it.
I can't do it anymore.
It's going to go live on Peacock,
and I won't be able to do this material on the road.
I won't be able to talk about my dad in this way.
It's going to be gone, and I'm going
to be forced to do that thing that I was scared to do back
in the day, which is be left with nothing of my dad
and be in this new reality, which I love.
But he's not in.
And that scares me.
And that makes me sad.
But then I remember what brought me here.
And it's him.
My dad's death woke me up.
I was sleeping, and it woke me up.
It taught me that all we have here,
all we have is a collection of days.
And whether it's 10,000 or 100 or one every day that we get
is a day to live.
And I watched my dad lived through hell
and still find the good in every bad day.
I watched him look death in its face and say, game on.
Maybe tomorrow.
Today we're going in the pool.
I'm different now.
I started saying yes.
I started going for what I wanted,
enjoying days, finding good parts of bad days,
calling friends, reaching out, always ordering
an extra pastry when I went to the bakery,
packing sneakers just in case.
His death changed me.
I'm more of an optimist now.
I see the world a bit more brightly.
And I'm proud to say, I now wash my sheets at least
I live the life I live from watching my dad live
and watching him die.
I feel really lucky to have known my dad,
to have gotten to be his kid.
And I still do feel him with me.
I miss him sometimes when I think of like--
a lot of my friends are getting married now,
and I guess I just still--
I know it's archaic, but I still think
of like the father-daughter dance.
And sad that I won't be able to have that.
It's my last show, and you guys have been on this journey
with me.
Would it be OK if I did that father-daughter dance here
in front of you guys?
Would that be OK?
OK.
All right.
And I'd like to do it to my favorite genre of music, Zumba.
Hit it.
- (SINGING) Baby girl, I just want you near.
Your mother got niggas staying clear.
If you were sexy, lady.
Let me hear you scream it out.
If you came to party, baby.
Let me hear you scream and shout.
I want you now.
I need you now.
Keep dancing in the crowd.
- Let's go.
There we go.
We're moving so good.
Yes.
Good.
Let's go.
OK.
- (SINGING) She ain't the jealous type.
She ain't the jealous type.
Just tell me what you're trying to do tonight.
Yeah, girl.
You better make that bounce.
- There he is.
Yes!
There he is in his red sweat suit.
That's our family on a hike.
- (SINGING) BTB, you kn ow we've run the town.
So let's go.
- There we are hiking across Rhode Island.
And let's go, Courtney.
There we are as kids, and my mom and dad.
OK.
There he is in the costume that won the costume contest.
Here we are.
Yes, drop it.
Go!
Yes!
- (SINGING) If you're a sexy lady,
let me hear you scream it out.
If you--
- We can count it.
[breathing heavily] Well, that was beautiful.
Just like I'd always imagined.
Dancers, thank you so much.
Thank you so much for coming.
Thank you.
Oh, thanks.
[laughs]
[applause]
I hope you have a great night and that no matter what
happens tomorrow, it's a really good day.
Thank you.
[cheering and applause]
[music playing]
- My husband, Keith.
- I love you forever, Mom and Dad.
- His funeral was last week.
- My ex-boyfriend who died.
- She was taken from me way too early.
- He actually passed away December 4th of last year.
- My brother.
Best brother ever.
- Ever?
- Ever.
- Here comes Jim Limperis to the finish line.
- Woo!
[laughter]
[music playing]