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The end of the world is a chance…
PASCAL WILFING, AUTHOR
…for a….
…for a new kind of human being to emerge.
Of course I am afraid…
ALINA WAGNER, MIDWIFE
…but I feel comfortable because we are prepared.
We will survive. I wish more people would start preparing.
I just want somewhere to hide.
MARIA FAZEKAS EXOTIC DANCER
Yes…
I have composed a doomsday symphony, just for bassoon.
MELVIN SVOBODA, FLIGHT ATTENDANT
I don't know how it's going to happen.
CLEMENS ZIZALA, COCAINE DEALER
I am not a physicist.
These five people are looking for a cave…
WILMA MOOR, MOVIE DIRECTOR
…where they can build a bunker to survive "Doomsday". It's wild, right?.
And we're going to film it all.
They're here.
And you are just filming us?
Yes, just you. It's enough, isn't it?
There are six of us. My little sister and Melvin's brother will join us too.
Okay. Camera and sound are ready.
Fine. Pascal you have to include my question
in your answers please, because my questions will be cut out, okay?
-And please speak clearly. -What?
-Please speak clearly. -Okay.
Just be natural.
First question: Where are we going?
Where we are going?
We are meeting a survival specialist,
who discovered some caves
that should perfectly suit our project.
They are high enough.
That's important to protect us
in case of severe flooding, mudslides, things like that…
Your friends are as nuts as you.
Seriously. I shouldn't have come with you. You told me this was a vacation.
Hey. We're not nuts. This is serious…
We're a serious socio-ecological movement.
You are living in Austria and you don't even have a car. Idiot.
Sorry. But you know musicians don't make much money.
Melvin, you have nothing to apologize for.
I am sorry.
-Melvin. -Sorry.
According to the GPS it must be this way.
Sorry, sorry. I am so sorry.
Okay, can we continue the interview?
He wanted to meet us here.
Strange. There's no one here.
Okay come on, get out of the car.
Spruce and hazelnut a typical high forest.
Okay, camera on. You know about trees?
Yes. I studied biology…
but I wanted to do something more practical.
What exactly?
I am an organic delivery nurse
and guerrilla gardener.
Wow, interesting. Never heard of it.
-Can people book with you? -How many of you are there?
-Exactly. -What, what…?
Which faction are you with?
-No faction. -There are more and more of them now.
I am Pascal.
I sent you an email about the caves.
I am Alina. Hello.
Melvin. 'Sup.
The caves are all full.
More survivors than you can imagine.
What? The caves are all occupied? What?
Yes. I am sorry.
This is bullshit.
Oh my god, we need to find something else right now.
It takes at least two months to outfit a bunker.
-Do you know what… -That's bad.
Do you know what that means?
We need to generate some positive vibes.
Just one second please, okay?.
-Come on. -Okay?
-Do you have hazmat suits? -Of course.
The best stuff. ABC protective suits with rolamite lamination.
How do you know how to prepare?
What kind of disaster are you expecting?
All of them.
Flood, fire, viruses, chemicals,
radiation poisoning… It's impossible to predict.
Oh my god.
Patrick. From wannasurvive.com.
Pascal. Hello Patrick.
Oh.
Regarding the price…
Could you make us an offer, because we're not sure…
Of course. I also barter… Do you have dirt bikes… or weapons?
No weapons. We don't have weapons.
You are making a movie?
If you can do a video for my homepage
I'll throw in the hazmat suits for free.
Sure. No problem.
What's he going to do with a film and money when the world ends?
-Ask him. -I can't just come out and ask him.
Come on ask it now.
Keep filming.
Excuse me, can we come with you, we are interested in the caves.
No, that's impossible. It's absolutely private.
It's an issue of security.
My customers are paying for safety and discretion.
How can you keep them safe?
Keep going.
It will be an awesome investigative documentary.
You can find some wild stories in these woods.
Mauli.
Pascal, will you also buy a weapon?
No. No, no. Excuse me.
We are pure pacifists. No weapons.
At most, we might buy bulletproof vests.
Look, we lost the cave, and that's just shit…
-I don't want to sugar-coat that. -We need to find a sponsor.
Then we could afford to buy our own cave.
Yeah, we need our own robber-baron…
A really filthy, stinking rich miser…
Just like her ex.
My ex? He's nothing to do with this…
But do you still have his telephone number?
I left him for you. I can't call him now.
First of all, she didn't leave him for me,
She left him for my ideals and principles.
Sorry, but I can't ask him for a favor.
Nobody said anything about a favor…
I just want to make that clear, it's a deal we are talking about.
A little bit of his money for a safe place for us to survive.
Sure okay.
-Yes? -Yes, fine, fine.
Can you just move away a little bit?
Elbacher. Hello?
-Hello? -Hello?
Hello. It's me…
Alina? What a nice surprise.
I assume you're calling because you realized you can't live without me.
Yes. Very funny.
No.
The reason I am calling is because…
-We have a film crew here, and… -Is this about your new boyfriend?
Well no, Pascal is here too. He is still…
-Survivalist. -Right.
He has the know-how and…
Well, we're trying to prepare ourselves.
Uh-huh.
So we need… I mean, we have everything but…
we still need a cave. I mean something like a tunnel.
-That's funny I have one. -Really?
-Yes. -He is doing it.
-He said yes? -Yes.
Awesome. Where is it?
-Not far. I'll send you a map. -Yes?
Okay, perfect.
He has a tunnel.
Awesome. A tunnel?
We have a tunnel. Yeah.
No.
Yes. Totally. Sure.
This is a great time to speculate on the crash of all currencies.
Except old-school currencies like cowrie shells and so on…
Yes, I have to go now, a group of filmmakers are waiting.
Yes, these end of the world freaks.
Sorry for the interruption, but I am currently very busy.
But it was a really great idea, that you called me.
Alina is such an adorable girl.
Coincidentally, I've developed an insurance policy for doomsday survivors.
These lunatics will kill for it.
When doomsday comes, I'll be the richest man in Austria.
Sure, so you will spend day X in your tunnel with your friends.
We probably should talk about the tunnel now.
Yes. Wladi. Hello.
It's a pleasure to see you.
How are you?
I am fine, thanks.
That's Wladimir Grustschukow.
He's developed a little Geiger counter that you can wear on your wrist.
A brilliant idea.
We invested a lot of money in it.
Yes and everyone thinks Chernobyl was a disaster. Just wait.
And these are my little Michael Moores.
Ah. Michael Moore. Well done, well done.
They are making a movie about me.
-For which channel? -FR3.
Really?
Well, FR3 is most likely to fund… It'll happen.
Okay, actually this movie is about
the development of this project.
Sure, the development of this project.
So. Right. Can I ask you to leave now?
The big boys need to discuss money…
And by the way. FR3 belongs to Telepool. I think I can do something for you.
-Really? -Sure, sure.
Wow, that would be great.
Let's talk later, wait at the cafe. Here, take 20 euros.
-I will pick you up soon. Okay? -Yes.
-We'll only be a few minutes. Thank you. -Thanks.
The cheek of this guy. Okay, let's go.
The headline could be: Comets on collision course with Earth.
I think we could attract sponsorship…
That's scary. That's why we see him only now.
CCN has joined with 2 million.
The information must be in the news on 18th December.
Listen, our friend Schorsch, is running a doomsday scam.
Of course he is. That's exactly what we want to uncover through our interviews.
That's fraud. That is serious fraud. We have to expose this in the film.
We will, but not now. Now we have to film the other interview.
The Tycoon is calling, come on.
-Can I finish my soup please? -No.
Always the same shit.
It looked so good.
Gasmask with tube and filter, three pieces.
Two, three…
Used shoes in crappy condition. Two pairs.
Hello. Good morning.
Anna.
These are the filmmakers. That's Wilma, Maurice and Walter.
They're making a movie about our bunker.
-Hiya. -Hello Clemens.
-Wait. Just give me the box. -Okay, thanks.
Excuse me.
-Can we do an interview? -Sorry? Interview?
Mauli.
Fine. You are Melvin's brother. Include the question in your answer.
Okay, yes Melvin and I…
are kind of brothers…
Well, my father married his mother.
I was eight back then.
I was living in foster care.
My father couldn't look after me because my mother left us.
-Is that enough? -Yes.
-Doomsday, right? -Yes.
Okay, I am kind of a businessman.
I do import and export.
I'm practicing hot-wiring.
Sorry?
Hot wiring. I'm practicing it for doomsday.
You know, breaking in and hot wiring.
So I can drive any car I want.
With these modern electronics it's tricky, now.
You have to practice.
You have to master the skill.
Then I can barrel over the Imperial Bridge in any car at 250 km/h, right?
That's going to be amazing.
I'm mostly looking forward to that.
That's all?
Can I get the key for my room now?
You're not used to working in a vertical position, right?
Melvin, are you nuts? He can't talk to me like that.
Let's just go, Pussycat.
Well…
Alina. These are those new High-tech observation cameras.
-Infrared, they also record sound. -Wow. Epic.
-Clemens, I can't open it. -Come on, Melvin.
Come on please help me.
And open.
What's that?
They're food cans. Lead coated on the outside.
Alu coated on the inside.
From old DDR stocks. They were pretty cheap.
But that doesn't matter anymore, because of Schorsch.
He's paying for everything?
Yes. Schorsch is paying for it all.
We are just the workers.
We are now at Schorsch's hunting lodge.
He's an old schoolmate of mine, ours.
There is supposed to be a tunnel on this property.
What I expect from the 21st of December is actually nothing at all.
But I expect… Melvin, can you please…
Capitalism is not the only economic system.
But Capitalism has just liquidated every other system.
Awesome. Thank you.
Are you shooting?
I'm always shooting, Sweety. Since he drove around the bend.
-Hello. -Hello Alina.
-Hello. -Hey.
Nice to see you.
-You too. -Wow. You look terrified.
-Thanks. You too. -Ah. You are here too.
-Are the other ones inside? -Yes, they are in the salon.
Hi, Hello. Good day.
Hello.
You must be Maria.
Stunning, yes. Where is he?
Congratulations.
-Hey dude. How are you? -Hey.
It's been a while. I missed your eyebrows.
Just like in school.
Yeah, thanks.
And you own the 88 Le Baron in the parking lot, right?
-That's Clemens. -Clemens.
You have to let me drive your car, okay?
Well, when I'm not using it to pick up chicks,
you can drive it maybe once.
Very good. Okay, who's next?
-Hello. -Oh…
Anna.
Jesus. Wow. You are grown up.
Hi. How old are you now?
Eighteen.
Eighteen already. Nice. Do you have a driving license?
No.
Come to me afterwards, I will give you some money for your license.
-Hello. -Oh, hey dude. What's up?
Or should I say, "What's new, Noobie?"
Look at you.
There must be something about you?
If you can attract this beauty.
-Of all my exes Alina was my favorite. -Really?
Although she left you? Because of me?
A man has to take it like a man.
If you want to have it all,
you have to be ready to take it all.
Alina was the first one who dumped me, okay?
-The rest? I dumped them. -Come on. Stop it now. Okay?
Okay, I heard the financing worked.
-Yes. FR3 got on board. -Wonderful. Marvelous.
By the way, you are totally right. The film shouldn't be all about me.
It should be about doomsday. You are right.
With all possible doomsday scenarios.
Floods, earthquakes, comet impacts, all kinds of catastrophes.
Right, sure.
Okay. So how did I look?
-Awesome. -Good?
Thank you.
See you later, okay?
I really can't tell if this movie will ever work.
We're supposed to be doing investigative journalism.
Well, excuse me.
What we overheard in Schorsch's office,
now that is investigative journalism.
I will never ever get a job at a TV channel again.
Don't say that. You've got great footage, here.
You're completely safe.
Yes.
-Yes? -Yes.
-Melvin can you please introduce yourself? -Yes.
What's your job. Include my question in your answer.
-Yes, including… -Right.
Fine. I am Melvin and I am….
-Tell your name. -You have got some…
-You should say your name… -I just said my name.
My name is Melvin and I am a steward.
-What are you? -Steward.
No, you are a schnapsstupser.
-Right. I am a steward. -Yes.
-And my hobbies are… -What are your hobbies?
-I am Rapid fan. -You are a Rapid fan?
-Yes. -You are a Nazi.
-What? -And you're not allowed to go to matches.
You got banned. Because you set off firecrackers.
-You are nuts. -Yes. I play the bassoon in a quartet.
I imagine doomsday like…
How do you imagine that…
-Alone. -Alone?
-Yes. -Alone?
-No, not all alone… -I am with you or not?
No, my bassoon.
-What? Where am I? -I…
You will leave me behind?
Alone. And at peace.
I'll show you my garden.
My little survival garden.
Right. It's just through here.
That's an UV lamp…
especially used for survival gardening.
After months with nothing but canned food
you need vitamins.
These, for example, are various kinds of Asian fruits and cabbages.
They are resistant against the cold.
POLICE
These vests are bullet- and stab-proof. I just got them.
Police remainders.
Nowadays they are made of Twaron.
These are made of Zylon. That doesn't mean Zylon is worse.
Actually Zylon is better. It's the market leader. Zylon is too good.
But because the EU… It was just like with the lightbulbs.
They created a media campaign
to denigrate a product
for "ecological reasons".
They get a bill through the EU parliament
grease a few palms and the product disappears from the market,
and it's freed from competition.
In that case you are lucky, that you got the ones made of Phylon.
It's called Zylon.
This one is too short for me.
It usually should protect the nether regions.
Zylon fibers are extremely light and waterproof.
And careful processing is extremely important.
This is little Indian children's work.
When your life depends on it…
Their little fingers do such delicate work.
-No. They were made in the EU. -It's not child's work.
On that point…
How about you two?
Is there something on the way?
-No, no. -What?
-What? If we are having a baby? -What?
What makes you think that? No. No children.
Well…
Alina always wanted to be a mother before she turns 25.
-You didn't know that? -No, I didn't know anything about it.
I don't want to have children.
Well… Why not?
We talked about this.
Yes, but that's complete bullshit.
No. That's not bullshit. Listen.
Times will be hard.
Right now we're converting a tunnel into a bunker.
And secondly, having a baby in a capitalist society
is just a bourgeois hobby.
Yes? If you don't inherit money,
then that's like a lifetime of slavery.
You can't just say, "We don't need money."
But why not?
Well, for example, if she can't have a new skiing outfit, she's a social outcast.
You want to be responsible? It's not the little ones' fault.
It's only important that it's loved.
Other things matter too.
Well, I…
Well I, ah there you are….
Well, I of course want to have a whole bunch of children.
Girls, boys…
And everything in between.
-Sure. -Yes of course.
If any of you want to eat somewhere else one evening,
there's a great restaurant in the village.
Wilma and I are having dinner there tonight. A business meeting.
Don't forget it. Bye, bye.
What?
Just a business meeting.
Why only you?
Why in the evening?
That's just how Schorsch does things.
In the evening in a first class restaurant.
-And how long will you be? -I don't know.
I take care of you the whole time.
Mauli, look. I brought your dumbbells.
Now you can exercise a little bit.
You know how much I like it, when you are all sweaty from exercising.
That's the dress you're wearing to a business meeting?
Do you think I want to fuck him, or what?
Good morning.
Morning.
Good morning.
Listen, what I wanted to tell you last night…
It seems to me that you want to picture every aspect of the system
which, in view of the threatening catastrophe,
could suddenly expose its underlying contradictions.
You are a genius.
You always get straight to the core. Incredible.
That's all for you? Ten eggs?
Why not?
It's more important to show the shit Schorsch is trying to peddle.
Morning.
Good morning.
-What's the matter? -It's hot.
Well, just brewed.
Morning grouch.
Are you always like that, useless first thing in the morning?
I can't sleep in that shitty bed.
I have an advice for you if it's not too early?
You know what you should try?
You should try to change yourself,
instead of blaming your surroundings for everything that's wrong in your life.
That's true.
You haven't explained why a so-called "business meeting" takes the whole night.
It took as long as it took.
Can we do an interview please?
What you said earlier…
About the catastrophes… How did you put it?
Exposing contradictions. Please…
Sure. That's what you are here for, right?
Incredible.
Camera, right here. Come on.
Listen. Wilma?
The way you just take charge. You're great.
Do you know what I like about you?
That you are not scared of power.
You must be joking, right?
I love your power.
What are you waiting for?
I won't do an interview without a tripod.
Then go get it.
I was waiting for your powerful orders.
Fine.
Sexy is a little slow in the morning…
Do you think side lighting suits me better?
What's that?
They have such beautiful fur.
So smooth.
Yes. True.
What have you got over there? Oh, God.
Just get rid of it.
Although it makes everyone nervous, I think doomsday is incredibly exciting.
Thank you.
-Got it, Sexy? -Of course.
That's bullshit.
If you really want to talk bullshit,
the reality is that a human being is completely interconnected…
My editor is coming.
I invited the press just for you.
-Are you very nervous? -Of course.
Good. So how are you looking?
That will do.
You too? Yes, alright. Perfect.
I have something for you.
For the microphone. Because yours looks like shit.
You can't even see it.
We will use this one. Yeah that's striking.
Mount it later and when somebody is talking
you hold it right into the picture, okay?
What am I supposed to do with this piece of shit?
Whatever.
Have I told you that my parents are coming too?
You can do some great interviews.
The journalists have something to see and you can show what you are capable of.
What should I do with your parents?
They're great interviewees…
They are talking without asking.
When they're fighting.
-But… -Well, who comes from which direction?
Here comes Piesack.
Hello Herbert. Nice to see you.
It's a pleasure.
No trouble finding us?
With teamwork we managed it.
Yes hello.
My dear. Let me hug my golden boy.
-Hello, dad. Hello, son.
Great. This is my film crew.
-Hello. -Hello.
Just follow me to the salon.
So perfect, my golden boy.
-Please, mom. -Yes. Oh, yes.
And that's my new slobbering sidekick?
Yes, this is my baby now, Quasti.
Because my son is too grown up to live at home.
Oh look. That's Anna, the poor thing.
Hello.
Alina. Sweetheart.
-Hello. Isn't he marvelous?. -Hello.
Yes. Marvelous.
Yes. So why did you leave him? You naughty, naughty girl.
I know, you also appreciated him.
Mommy.
Well, I always get to the point.
That's me. Alina was always my favorite daughter in law. Right?
Sure.
Yes. Oh and that is Meli, right?
Ah, Pascal. Oh my good lord. Pasi. Let me look at you.
You have changed a lot.
Such a pity. You used to have such a pretty face.
Do you remember what a pretty face he had?
You would be so good for my Schorsch.
Think about it?.
Come on now. Leave her alone.
I am just saying what I think.
I always tell the truth.
Anna.
-Oh. -Sorry.
-A word please? -Ah… Dad.
Very good. Thank you.
In the beginning, it was so hard.
His little shoes were bloody.
I am a natural born dancer.
Schorschi? Where is the toilet?
Just outside. I will show you.
You know, the problem with her ideas is that…
We're looking for stories about science and technology…
-Look there is the toilette. -Very nice.
-In your last two concepts the problem… -Five, not two.
I only read two.
Well, the audience should cry and laugh.
You need to show people screaming and dying in agony…
Suffering must be like a silver lining on the underwear of dramaturgy.
Mom? This one's for you.
He is gone.
We looked for him everywhere.
Don't worry, mom. I will find him.
He can't be that far.
I'm sure he just ran off into the woods.
-Allow him the pleasure. -You think so?
-Of course. -Okay, fine.
You have always been a smart boy.
Call me in the evening.
-Sure. -Yes?
Let's go, dad.
Come on, please.
Come inside. Here you go.
Okay.
So, these tunnels were built during the Second World War.
The Nazis liked this area because of the hunting…
-Hello? What are you doing here? -Come on in.
I am not going inside. There are spiderwebs and…
They also have done other stuff here too.
-Come on. -No. I'm not going in there.
Then just stay outside.
-You are my new Mozikam? -Ah, hello, hello.
Damn it…
I'm here, so be quiet.
Yikes. My new boots.
Do you want to go in there?
Okay, then follow me.
Well, the tunnel offers room for ten to 20 people.
How many square meters?
It's nearly 100 meters long but I don't know how wide it is.
It's big enough for 20 people but we are just preparing it for seven.
The cost per square meter is pretty high. Two or three thousand euros.
Super site for a bunker, right?
Ah… Excuse me. No, you are great.
You know so much about the coming catastrophe.
That's completely insane.
You are still studying, right?
-Writing a book… It's surely finished? -Soon.
Only a psychotic or a coward ignores the truth of the coming end.
Yes, yes. That's true.
"The faint-hearted shiver in the face of death,
as they shiver in the face of life."
-Clemens. Yes. -That's what you mean, right?
-Clemens, could you bring a tape measure? -Wait. Who did you just quote?
-Mauli. Come on, let's shoot that. -Could you do that? Thanks.
Thank you.
Perfect. Just stay here.
More light or more shadow?
No, it's okay as it is.
Maybe I should wipe dirt on my face… you know, to be more authentic?
Just stay on the marked position okay?
The headband. I want to wear his headband.
I think it would look marvelous.
It would perfectly highlight my personality.
Forget it.
Don't be so ridiculous. Mauli. Sometimes he can be extremely childish.
I think it would really suit you.
-Could you please say sorry, Mauli? -Why should I do that?
Tell him, he shouldn't bite the hand that is feeding him.
Rolling.
Wonderful. Ah, your tunnel…
Where are we here and how big is it?
Action.
There are seven of us and each person needs ten square meters.
It's a rule of thumbs with long term bunkers
and we should adjust to that.
This one here is big enough for at least 20 people
We are only going to provision it for seven people
because the price per square meter is around two or three thousand euros.
-I am sorry, but I already told you that. -Fine…
But when I say it, it has more impact, right?
I'm more media-effective. I can reach the audience.
Okay. Again, please.
Just like before. Awesome.
What are you doing there exactly?
I taught this to myself.
On the internet.
From these furs I'll make shorts and shoes.
-Shorts? -Yes.
Can you sew?
Your husband likes the furs.
My husband? He is not my husband?
Pussycat, why are you saying that?
Because that's how it is.
Pussycat. What?
Wait please. Why are you saying that?
My parents are lawyers.
And they aren't planning anything at all.
They're just focused on their work.
I always looked after my sister, Anna.
And that's why she is with me now. In the tunnel.
Yes, and the doctors say,
that she didn't get enough oxygen during her birth.
But I don't believe that.
So I've always taught her to do things on her own.
Don't you want some real food, Anna?
I mean something like an apple?
Mauli, can you give me something too?
A whore would be cheaper.
I know.
Listen, look. I checked it especially for you.
-Ha. Especially for me.? -Not so loud.
Your brother is the dealer. Whatever. Give it to me.
And? Are we going now?
Our deal was twice a week. And last week we did nothing.
You know, I can't stand a week without having sex.
Ha. Whatever.
If you were my bimbo, I'd slap your face.
Yes of course. Tough talk, convict.
Watch your mouth.
Oh, I know a good one…
The priest tells the con,
"My son, when you are free again,
I will help you."
The con to the priest,
"I don't know. drug dealing isn't that easy, reverend."
What's his problem?
Have I done something wrong?
We begin by holding hands.
Five minutes. Is that okay?
You are sweet.
Time is up.
What?
What are you doing?
Please… No.
What are you filming?
Just for fun? Relationship dynamics.
Hey…
After everything that happened when you were gone,
I really have to tell you…
You are the most special woman I've ever met.
You can't believe how much you turn me on.
Yes…
Well, but he thinks about it when you're there.
What a dickhead.
How do I get the picture of the observation cameras?
The symbol on the lower left side,
it looks like a spyglass.
Oh, yes.
I knew it.
Look at that.
Schorsch is screwing his ex.
-What? -In the middle of the garden.
Yes. I told you what kind of guy he is.
That's exactly typical of guys like him. Seriously. And you had dinner with him.
You won't damage anything right?
No, no. It's very strong. It'll hold.
What are you doing here?
We're going to practice crossing a river in case of emergency.
Uh-huh. In a swimming pool.
Okay.
I think, it would be best if the weakest among us goes first.
That is Walter. Then we would get an example of the real situation.
Walter?
Excuse me. Walter?
-What's up? -Everyone here underestimates you.
So will you do us all a favor?
I forbid it. You're not here to participate. You're the sound man.
Excuse me, but I asked him if he wants to do us a favor.
And I do think, that he can decide on his own.
You want to help us right?
-Okay.? -He won't do that.
Listen. That's my decision, okay.
What's this all about?
Here you are.
What's that?
Help.
I don't want to do this.
Pascal.
Take off the mask. He'll suffocate.
Finally, some action.
Okay, that was a little bit dangerous now…
If I hadn't spoken up, he would be dead by now.
Just for the record.
Ready Schorsch?
Just one moment please.
Everything alright? The look on his face is important.
I really want to show the brutality. Ah, beautiful. Yes…
I want to show his real nature.
Fine, I get that, but have you seen my headband?
Where did you see it last?
In the bathroom, when I brushed my hair.
Okay, could we please look for it later?
No. My hair is all over my eyes.
Mauli you don't have hair.
But I can't shoot without my headband.
-What shall we do? -Could you get it?
Could we please shoot now and look for your headband afterwards?
-Okay. -Would that be possible?
Okay, fine.
Perfect. I am ready.
-Rolling. -And action.
Cut.
Give me my headband back, now. You bloody bastard.
Wilma. Can I talk to you alone now? Or you can forget your movie
and go home.
Wilma.
This isn't working out.
If you can't control your people, we can forget the whole project right now.
Now get out. When you find a new cameraman,
you can come back.
Okay…
I can fix this. Trust me, I got it.
And the headband?
Keep it. It's yours.
Give him a wireless. It's better for the sound.
Fine.
Yes? I didn't want to be mean…
Fine.
How do you prepare for doomsday?
Where are we here?
We are in a tunnel. Why are we here?
Because people are scared of doomsday.
And why are they scared?
Because they can't trust anyone anymore.
Trust me. I am one of Austria's most successful stockbrokers.
But why should you trust me of all people with all your hard-earned money?
I can offer you an exclusive equity stake in Earthsecure.
This is nothing but a commercial.
That ad is definitely not going to be in my film.
Are you telling me you still haven't got it?
I hold the majority of Telepool.
I want to show the world the truth. The truth about the world for the world.
It's the only reason I'm doing this shit.
We never have any money, just screw-ups and uncertainty and all this shit.
And now this bastard does something like that.
Listen, he is an asshole, but we will get him.
Honey, we will get him. You just have to believe.
Documentaries work magic, you know?
Truth always finds a way through the lens.
And finally, it's revealed.
But it's obvious.
-Right? -Sure.
For example Pascal and his political blah blah blah all the time.
And Melvin, the great artist…
-They think they are better than the rest. -Right. You are right.
Here you are.
Come on dude…
He wants to defend himself.
A smart guy.
I don't think it's a great idea to encourage Clemens to use a gun.
He is one of us. He is a pacifist.
It didn't take much to persuade him. Believe me.
I just nudged him in the right direction.
What's that? What are you doing?
You're all so blind.
You believe in peaceful conflict resolution
but you buy bulletproof vests.
You are impostors.
You are just like me. Well, come on guys. Let's go.
We don't need to test them. They're guaranteed.
Yes, but this way we can test both.
-The gun and the vest. -Awesome.
-Right. Come to me. -Me?
No. Your adorable girlfriend.
Come here. Try it.
Take this and stay here. You must have a good grip.
Yes, just like that. Loose at the knees.
You and the weapon are one.
Now aim at that tree in front of you. And just squeeze the trigger.
Are you crazy?
-Great. -What's wrong, Pascal? You should try it.
Show us that you are a real man, our leader.
Come on, don't let him get on you.
I am not a man?
So I am a coward because I despise the use of weapons?
But listen to me, using a weapon is the most cowardly act ever.
You are a coward, dude.
You know how it works or should I help you?
Try it, shoot.
Any idiot can shoot. Set up that old pot.
Where's the pot? Give it to me.
Come with me, Melvin.
-Melvin. -Of course.
-Maybe you should take the vest. -Right. Do we need it?
-Yes. Let's test it now. -Melvin…
-Let's put it there. -I just hang it up.
-Come on. Put it on. -You.
-Shall I help you? -Yes please.
Just like a sweater.
Like a sweater.
You can do it. Now, down.
Our brave special agent.
Very good. Now we put the pot on your head, perfect.
Ready. Shoot.
-May I shoot next? -Yes, of course.
Come on shoot.
Are you nuts? I won't shoot at my friend.
Do you have shit for brains?
If I'd known you'd prefer a chicken shit.
I would have dumped you long ago.
Don't let him get to you. That's what he wants.
No. Watch out, you.
You with your narcissistic borderline personality
and your suit. Melvin, shut the fuck up.
Without that fancy suit you're nothing. Nothing.
You fucking arrogant son of a bitch.
Status symbol addict. Vulgar freak… Go away.
Pacifist? But the moment he holds a gun, he gets such a boner.
You prick, you bloody prick.
You are completely impotent.
-Yes, I am impotent. -Hurry up and shoot. I want my turn.
Pascal.
Melvin. How are you? May I help you?
Yes.
And?
-Wow. The vest really works. -What? You weren't sure about that?
Pascal.
It's not your fault.
It's alright.
What's he doing to us?
Dear camera.
The film crew lent you to me.
Today you are filming me during my work.
I am going to stretch a dog's skin.
Hello?
Hello, Anna.
You are the only one who is still working.
What's that going to be when it's done?
A loincloth.
Unbelievable.
It's Quasti.
His skin. Yes.
It's smooth and warm and thick.
I never thought it could be you.
I have underestimated your unscrupulousness.
Unscrupulousness?
That sounds beautiful.
What does that mean?
It means… knowing what you want.
Yes.
That's me.
So?
Do you want to?
Maybe you will laugh.
I am unscrupulous too.
Great. Come with me.
I know this wonderful place.
Come with me. I have to show you something.
Come with me. Mauli. Walter. We are shooting.
Follow me.
Now they spend all this money on sports and no one cares about sound techniques.
Mauli. Come on, please.
I have to show you something. Come on.
Pascal.
Okay if it's that important, let's go with her.
Wilma?
Come on. Look inside.
What's in there? Just Anna.
Have a look.
-Why? -Look, what your sister is doing.
What are you up to?
That's unbelievable.
You bastard. You bloody bastard. Stop it.
It's not what it looks like, please.
Out. Fuck off. Or I will kill you. I promise I will kill you.
It's not what you think, really. It's a misunderstanding…
Jesus, Alina. I haven't done anything.
Out of my way. Jesus.
Wait. I'll be back in a second.
Alina. Please. Besides she's over eighteen.
And it wasn't her first time.
-Please, listen. Who do you take me for? -For who you are.
Come on. Don't be so uptight.
That's the most natural thing on earth.
Alina…
We could pay him back.
Documenting…
It means telling something. To make a document.
And the first movie ever--
-Right, it was… -A documentary, exactly.
Where did you get that chicken?
From the village. There's a chicken rotisserie.
Your food is unbearable.
-Why don't you ask if I want some too? -Why should I?
-I'm supposed to buy it for you? -I would have paid for it.
Thank you.
Hey. What about us?
Why don't we get any mushrooms?
Because there weren't any left. And he was first.
Alina, darling. You are a genius.
We can't do this.
Yes, we can. We do what we have to. It's not personal.
This is not personal.
No. Don't. Please don't. Spit it out.
-Spit it out. -I already swallowed them.
-Spit it out. -I just swallowed it.
-Spit it out. -These are mine.
-Don't touch my plate. -These are my mushrooms.
Are you crazy?
Alina. Jesus. Hello, hello. Stay with me.
Hello, hello. Come on, come on.
Hey, hey… Everything is fine. Everything is fine.
All this talk about doomsday…
It's becoming too much for you, isn't it?
I know what a sensitive person you are.
But everything is fine. We are all here for you.
-Okay? -Yes.
Throw them away. Please throw them away.
Mushrooms are gone. But we still have rice with vegetables.
-And where is this rice with vegetables? -It's here. It's here.
Here.
This is good, right?
-Walter. -Yes?
I know a joke.
Little Fritzi interns with a sound engineer.
Thank you.
After the first day the sound engineer asks Fritzi,
"What do you think? Do you like this profession?"
Fritzi answers, "No I don't,
but my brother would like it, that lazy bastard."
Awesome joke.
Tomorrow when the weather is calm, we can go sailing.
Because I am the owner of a sail boat on the Schwarzsee.
Hopefully the cool Puff Daddy version and not this bloody Sting.
Hello, hello, hello. Sting isn't silly. He is my hero.
Come on. Shit. Sting that fag.
Don't call him fag.
He does tantra.
-Hey. Play something I can dance to. -Right. Yes, some dance music.
Without feet I can walk to you.
-Come on guys, we will shoot this. -No. Not again.
Do you want to dance Maria?
Blind my eyes and I'll still be able to see you.
Deafen my ears, and I'll still be able to hear you.
Throw away my feet, and I'll still be able to follow you…
-Or something like that. -What's wrong with you Schorschi?
-Oh, God. He is poisoned after all. -Schorschi.
Everything is fine.
-The key. -What?
I am yours, you are mine.
Deep within my heart.
But I have lost the key.
And there you will ever stay deep within my heart.
Great.
Schorschi.
Schorschi. Schorsch… Oh, Jesus.
Oh, Lord.
He's puking. Oh, God.
Thank God, he's puking.
Now into the bucket.
Oh, yes. Thank God.
Sounds like a rutting stag.
-Come on. -Come on, up we go.
It's okay. He vomited up everything.
-Great. -Yes.
Thank God.
-Right. -Thank God.
-Alina. Let's go. Come on. -Thank you, God.
-Come on. Come on… -Dear God.
Come on let's go to bed now.
Bye.
I'm sick of all this shit.
Where is Walter?
Look, there are the bananas.
Look he is sleeping.
Eating and sleeping. Typical.
-We should film him while he sleeps. -Yeah let's do that.
No, Melvin.
What's wrong with him?
Shit.
We have to bury him deep enough.
So that the foxes can't get him.
He didn't deserve this.
Yes. This is all Schorsch's fault. All of it.
You know he tried to warn us about Schorsch.
But like an idiot, I wouldn't listen.
I wouldn't miss Schorsch if…
Quite the opposite.
It would be a big favor to humanity.
-Right. -Yes, exactly.
He had us shooting at each other.
He manipulated us into our worst selves.
He should be the one lying here, buried.
We have to save the new age from him.
Yes.
-Yes. -Right.
-Okay. -Yes.
-That's the one. Right over there. -Okay, okay.
For a new age.
-For a new age. -For a new age.
-Good morning. -Morning.
Smells really good. Thanks.
This coffee's delicious.
Where… Where is your sound clown?
Perfect weather today.
Perfect for sailing.
-Are you alright? -Yes.
-Well, does anybody want to go sailing? -Me.
I own a boat on the Schwarzsee.
I'm totally on board.
No. I need you in the tunnel today.
-Oh, come on. -No, we are not on vacation here.
Right. He can't do everything on his own.
Melvin has two left hands.
Come on please. Schorsch invited me.
-No. -Clemens please.
-No. -Okay. Well then…
Have fun and see you then.
-Have fun too. -See you later.
-Why can't I go sailing too? -See you later.
You can go sailing later.
-Just because Melvin is a fool or what? -He's not a fool.
See you later.
He is gone. Come on.
BOOKBINDER
Come on Schorschi, Schorschi.
Shit.
Shit. This asshole is always lucky.
He's always lucky.
And what should we do now?
-Should we follow him? -Yes.
Yes. We should have a look.
Do you have a signal here?
There's a guy lying over there. He's dying.
We need to call the ambulance.
Oh, Jesus. Look at that.
Mauli, Mauli. Look.
Distract him.
Distract him, distract him.
What are you doing?
Don't you think, that the case belongs to the one who found it?
Do you think I didn't see it?
There's your proof. Your selfish new boyfriend, right?
A man is dying over there and all he thinks about
-is stealing his money. -Shut the fuck up.
What would you even do with all that money?
Be smart. Give it to me.
I can invest it for you. You don't know what to do with it.
I don't give a shit.
And what will you do now?
Just blow through all that money?
When it's gone, you will come back to uncle Schorschi and let me screw you.
And what for? A shitty cellar and a gas mask…
And if your ass were half as hot as my ex's, I would fuck you too.
-Chickenshit. Go on. Do it. -No, stop.
-Do it. -No, stop it.
Come on. Shoot.
Let's go.
I'm counting this stack.
You count this one… I'll count the bottom tiers.
Two…
-How much is it? -It must be a million.
No, it's much more. Much more.
Listen. These are more than a hundred stacks.
And there are more.
Hey. How much is a stack?
Each one has a hundred five-hundred euro notes.
Two times two hundred and twenty stacks…
-How much is it? -500 times four hundred equals…
No, one moment… Wait. It's eleven million.
That's a… That's a XF-9005E.
Okay. But I want to suggest, we split it three ways. Fair and square, okay?
But the film crew gets less.
No way. We stuck our necks out like everyone else.
-We have to look after Anna. -And Maria.
How do we handle this now? Should we tell the others…
when we come back to the villa? Should we mention it?
-We don't have to tell them. Do we? -No.
Not telling.
I was looking in that yachting magazine I found.
Let's sail around the world three times.
No. At least four times. Four times around the whole world.
That's awesome. Insanely awesome.
Hey, I'm going to get a boob job.
-Yes… -Me too.
Really big ones.
-Not to be anti-feminist, but-- -Just like Maria. Like Maria.
-Me too. -So much money.
Around the world. Oh, and we can stop at Monte Carlo, right?
With a big fat yacht and bouncing boobs.
Filthy, stinking rich in Monte Carlo.
-You are nuts. Really. -What?
-Why are we leaving? -Please, shut up.
-Forget it. Here. -What?
-All for me?. -Yes. All for you. Let's go.
What's wrong, Anna.? Come on.
I don't want to go with you. I want to stay here.
-In the tunnel and the house. -But Anna, it isn't ready…
Sure it is.
So, when should we come and get you?
Never.
-Never. -You can't argue with her.
Okay. We pick her up in a few days. Okay?
BOOKBINDER RENT-A-CAR
I just had an idea. A new title for my book.
Apocalypse Now? No, Thank You.
The miscalculations of doomsday experts.
Awesome.
From now on I will only make movies for the internet.
Shows about beaches and handsome men…
And the title: Hot Naked Men in the Sun.
Great. I'll help with the research.
Wladi?
I am chosen.
Really.
I've experienced the intention of the universe. Delightful.
You're such a dope. I wanted a Coke light.
You know what? I'll buy a brothel.
-Pasi, could you please stop? -What?
-Bye, bye, Pussycat. -No.
We will found a school, where I can teach people
about the secret intentions of the universe.
Do you understand?
Yes.
All funded by tax-free donations.
-So. -No.
-Hey? -Bye, bye.
Hey.
Hello? Guys? Stop. Hey guys. Hello.
She will find someone new.
In California there are great toy boy agencies.
The helicopter will be ready at ten, right?
Usually that's too early…
Right, but later the snow will be too wet.
If you think so…
-Do you know the helicopter team? -No.
Incredible.
It's nice to be comfortable financially, I mean.
Garçon, l'addition.