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[cheering, applause]
[cheering continues]
Every study they've ever done to determine who's smarter,
men or women, every study comes back and says women are smarter.
-Every fucking one. -[audience whoops]
Ladies, you shouldn't be applauding that.
You know I'm an asshole.
You know this isn't gonna end well.
[audience chuckling, whistling]
"Did he say I'm pretty? Oh, my God."
Get out of the relationship.
[chuckling]
If every study says that you're smarter-- okay--
the question you should be asking yourself was, "If we're so goddamn smart,
how are we in the situation we're in?"
Well?
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
You're in the situation you're in, not because of guys like me.
As much as you wanna blame me, you know?
Ladies, you can't tell me you never drove by a sports bar on a football Sunday
and looked at the humanity in there.
All those dumb guys with their big beer bellies bumping chests.
"Hey, he's on my fantasy team. Up top, yeah.
You wanna get some more mozzarella sticks?"
[exclaims]
As a woman, with your bigger brain,
you never looked in there and thought to yourself,
"I'm fucking losing to that? I'm losing to that."
My nephew is 25 years old, and he is dating this architect.
My goodness, she-- she is so smart and interesting,
successful and charismatic.
And we all hope that he marries her one day.
But he calls me up earlier this week, and he was like,
"You know, Auntie Ali, I think I'ma break up with her.
Yeah, because she's a boss at work,
and so she thinks it's okay to come home and boss me around."
I was like, "Oh.
Well,
that's shit's gonna happen to you no matter what."
[audience laughing]
Whether she a boss, whether she employed or unemployed,
once you get married and have kids, your wife gonna boss you around.
And you would know that if you watched House Hunters.
[audience laughing]
House Hunters is a show on HGTV
where a couple pretends that there's a decision to be made together.
And they go on this fake-ass journey looking at three different houses.
And the audience is meant to be left in suspense.
"Oh, which house are they gonna choose?"
It's whichever one Barbara wanted in the first place, okay?
And Barbara, who lives in Boise, Idaho,
or wherever the fuck these HGTV shows are filmed
where houses cost $5,000 an acre…
[applause]
Barbara, she don't got money, power or respect,
but Barbara is a woman.
And all women are very good at
being extremely unpleasant…
[audience laughs]
and holding your happiness and self-esteem hostage
until we get what we fucking deserve, okay?
-Yes. -[audience cheering]
I'm at that age where I don't like going to the doctor.
'Cause a lot of doctors are my age.
[audience laughing]
[giggles]
And they're Indian, which means I might know them.
So we're sitting there in the waiting room at NYU, right?
Door opens, nurse come out.
She's like, "Dr. Gupta will see you now."
I'm like, "Oh… [chuckles]
…this better not be Arjun Gupta from Sacramento."
Then I hear a familiar voice. He's like, "Hasan Minhaj?"
I'm like, "This is Arjun Gupta from Sacramento!" [chuckles]
I know this kid. He's a fucking idiot. [chuckles]
[audience laughing]
He failed out of the Caribbean med school.
Twice!
I go, "Arjun, how are you licensed?"
He's like, "I don't know.
That's why I'm a jizz doctor with a basement office.
Yo, drop your pants. How's auntie?"
I'm like, "Don't talk about my mom, Arjun."
Beena, he's not even an MD!
He's a goddamn DO!
[audience laughing]
Oh, boo.
Boo it up, DOs. In the back.
Doctors of osteopathic medicine hate that joke.
So MDs and DOs, they're basically the same.
They're both good doctors.
The only thing is
a DO's sense of humor stops at their MCAT score.
[giggles]
You see those seats? Way back there?
Those are the DO seats.
These are the MD seats. Do you know what the difference is?
It's five points on your MCAT, okay?
[chuckles]
So this dude is all up in my merchandise. He's like, "Bro, I know what's wrong."
I'm like, "Stop saying 'bro.'"
He's like, "Son, oh…
you got too much blood down there. It's lowering your sperm count.
So we're gonna do a dangerous surgery called varicocele repair.
But don't worry. I'll be doing the surgery."
I go, "Arjun, I'm very worried." [sighs]
You're in a lab coat and Jordans.
Still pulls out a trimmer. He goes, "Let me shave you right now."
"Let's do this right here, right now." I go, "Arjun, back up. I'm not ready."
He goes, "Listen, man.
If you don't get this surgery,
you can't have kids.
Ever."
I go, "Are you serious?
Me and Beena, we can't have kids?
Like, you're telling me we can't start a family?"
See, that's the crazy thing they never tell you about adulthood.
Life gets very real when "don't want" becomes "can't have."
Isn't that right, DOs?
[audience laughing]
I don't think anybody should feel bad if they get diagnosed with a mental illness.
'Cause it's just information about you
that helps you know how to take better care of yourself.
-[cheering, applause] -Yeah.
Being bipolar-- There's nothing wrong with it.
Being bipolar is like not knowing how to swim.
It might be embarrassing to tell people,
and it might be hard to take you certain places.
[audience giggling]
But they have arm floaties.
And if you just take your arm floaties…
you can go wherever the hell you want.
And I know some of you are like,
"But, Taylor, what if people judge me for taking arm floaties?"
Well, those people don't care if you live or die,
so maybe who cares?
Maybe fuck those people a little.
-[audience cheering] -I don't know.
[applauding]
That being said, you have to take your arm floaties.
Because it's not cool to know you can't swim,
go to the public pool anyway and jump into the deep end,
making it everyone else's problem.
You're thrashing around going, "I'm good." They're like, "You literally drowning."
And then someone nice and handsome jumps in to help you,
and you're like, "See, I'm fine. I can totally swim."
And they're like, "No, you're holding him underwater.
You turned Kevin into an arm floaty,
and that's not a fair relationship for Kevin."
Then someone floats by you on their back and you're like, "What was that?"
And they're like, "Oh, that's someone whose parents supported them in the pool…
until they could be trusted not to die.
Here are your arm floaties."
After leaving a, uh-- a taco stand one night,
I, uh-- I realized that a lot of people needed to step out of their comfort zones
in order to find alternative ways of making ends meet.
I made the mistake one night of assuming the guy working the stand was Mexican.
He wasn't.
I even spoke Spanish to him, which is a no-no.
The rule is, when engaging a brown person, you must speak English to them first,
and then if there's a language barrier, then you go to plan B,
high school Spanish.
You start off in English. "Hello, sir, may I--"
[speaking Spanish]
Oh, hold on. I got this. I got this.
Hola.
[speaks Spanish, giggles]
So I walked up to this guy at the stand, and I was like--
You know, he reminded me of a tío.
So I was like, you know… [speaks Spanish]
Which is like, "Hello, friend. How are you?"
And he responded…
[imitating heavy accent] …"What are you saying to me?"
"I'm sorry, sir. I thought you were Mexican."
"No, no. I am not Mexican. I am not Mexican.
I am Greek."
Greek?
Shit, I was way off.
[audience laughs]
"I'm sorry, bro. It's late, I'm tired. Can I have two tacos?"
"What you mean, 'Can I have two tacos?'
I just finished tell you I am not Mexican. I am Greek.
I do not sell taco.
I sell gyro."
Gyro?
Then I remembered seeing writing on the front of the cart,
and I just thought it was the guy's name or something, right?
I was like, "It spells it out. G-Y-R-O.
It's a gyro."
He got all pissy. "It is not a gyro. It is gyro."
"That shit says 'gyro.'"
"It is gyro!"
"Bro, I'm tired. It's late. What is a gyro?"
"It's like a taco."
I found out, y'all. I'm not butch.
Yeah.
[audience whooping]
I am not butch, which is shocking, I know,
'cause I have these broad shoulders and my favorite color is plaid.
But this is a preview to a whole different movie
than what you think you're about to watch.
As they say, the carpet does not match the drapes.
Two things that I do not know how to install.
[audience whistling, cheering]
I look very handy, though. I do. I look handy.
If you saw me and your car was broken down,
you might assume I could fix your car.
I got that look about me.
'Cause that is what a butch lady can do.
She can literally put your car on her back…
[pants]
…and walk it to a service station.
[panting]
She can actually just spit in your gas tank…
[imitates spitting]
…and your car will start.
Oh, magical, but that is not me.
And men are the most mystified by this information.
They come up to me constantly at, like, a Home Depot
because they assume I work there.
They're like, "Uh, what's up, dude? Um…
Where are the nails?"
I'm like, "Ooh, I'm here for a potted plant."
[mouthing words]
"I do know they sell M&M's at the checkout."
Ain't nobody got no COVID in here, do they? Shit.
-[audience member] No. -Uh-uh, my ass.
Little fake COVID card motherfuckers.
Yeah, COVID is some bullshit, man, you know.
Fuckers talking about, "Take the shot."
I'm-- You know-- I don't know what the fuck to do.
That shit is-- They're trying to scare you with the shit.
"Go ahead and take it. We got a pill now." [shouts]
I went on and got it. I said, "Fuck it." I went on and got the motherfucking shit.
Yeah, I went on and got it.
When they started talking about cutting my shit off Netflix,
I said, "Here, where you wanna hit it at? Put it--"
[audience laughing]
I said, "Hit me in the ass with it. Hit me."
[chuckles]
I thought I had it. I did. I thought I had it.
I went to the doctor. He said, "That ain't what I said."
I said, "What did you say?"
He said, "I told you you tested positive for cocaine on the 19th."
[audience laughing]
I said, "I didn't hear you. I didn't know what you said. All I heard was 19."
See, niggas don't wanna take the shot.
The best way to get niggas to take that shot is put it in flavors.
That motherfucker poppin'. That pineapple Moderna, nigga?
Shit.
That watermelon Pfizer?
[laughing continues]
"Look it here, man. I'm on my ninth shot, man.
You know they got the mango coming out next month, man."
My problem with guns is
I don't buy either side's arguments completely, right?
So, the conservative argument is that guns were written in the constitution
because the founding fathers thought if all the citizens have guns,
the government will have to do what they say or else the people will rise up
and fight the government, right?
Which is a legitimately great idea in the 1700s,
but the problem is there's still people now hoarding weapons
thinking that at some point they may need to take on the American military,
and they think they have a shot, right?
And look, maybe they're right,
which is why I'm proposing we test their theory
and once a year have a head-to-head shoot-up.
[audience laughing]
Say, a-- a hundred members of the NRA
versus, I don't know, two members of the military.
Broadcast it on Fox, Christmas Day.
Like, "Merry Christmas, and welcome to the 2022 NRA-military showdown.
Let's go down to the field of battle and meet one of our NRA combatants.
Sir, what's your name? What kind of weapon you working with?"
He's like, "My name's Andy Baker,
and I got a AR15, wearing Kevlar head to toe."
"Andy, how confident are you, scale of one to ten?"
"Fucking a million."
[audience laughing]
"We're gonna check in with the military real quick."
They cut to one guy by himself in a bunker, and he's like,
"My name's Staff Sergeant Jeremiah Walker."
"Jeremiah, what kind of weapon are you working with?"
He's like, "I don't know if this is fair, but I'm working with a drone.
[laughing continues]
Yeah, it's equipped with eight Hellfire missiles and a high-powered camera.
As you can see on this monitor here,
the NRA fellows are actually in just one big cluster.
So, uh-- I'm gonna-- Have we started? All right.
All right, yeah, so I'm gonna hit this button right here.
Yeah, now they're all dead."
"That'll do it for this year's NRA-military showdown…
[audience cheering]
…brought to you by Whole Foods."
The bigger your boobs are, the uglier that bra is.
-There's some truth for you. Yeah. -[whooping]
If you're working with anything over a C cup, I got you.
I know that pain. I know how hideous our bras are, okay?
So you are my people. Anything--
And I know, people are like, "You've got big boobs. Is that hard?"
It fucking is. Okay?
-They gaslight you. That's right. -[cheering]
There's where all the big tits are. Yeah.
The world wants you to have giant knockers,
and then when you do, they give you no infrastructure to support them.
All we want are cute bras.
Instead, they're like, "Here's a Soviet-era wind sock.
Just-Just strap it on and help plow. Just do it."
You never got to wear the cute bras.
Remember when you were a teenager and your girlfriends--
By the way, if you have smaller breasts, if you got an A cup or a B cup,
like, this is size-inclusive, but you don't know.
You don't know what it was like being friends with you
and all your girlfriends are like, "Let's go to the mall." Remember malls?
And you'd go, and they-- "Let's go get cute bras at Abercrombie."
Remember Abercrombie?
And you'd go with them.
They're running forward,
and you're carrying around your grown-woman divorcée chest
like, "Wait for me.
I can't run. I'm not wearing two sports bras. I'm coming."
They're all trying on cute bras, playing slap tickle.
You're just sitting there eating a slice from Sbarro, like, "I'll be here.
My mom's getting me at two. I'll just be here."
They'd have the cutest bras.
I always wanted the cute bras. None for you.
They'd come out cute. "Look at this one. It's made of moose felt.
So bucolic. Look at this one, it's got hearts on it.
This one's got little kisses on it.
I'm a child. Isn't this so cute?
This one's got feathers.
This one's just two contact lenses and dental floss.
Bouncy."
Not me! Not me and every other big-breasted girl.
We were getting hauled to some back-alley discount van
where some Eastern European woman named Loretta is gonna hand-fit you,
scoop each breast into its own personal hurt locker
and jiggle your tits around in front of your mother!
[audience cheering]
You're just sitting there. You've never even made out with a boy.
She's just grabbing at you like, "How does this feel?"
You're like, "I'm kinda turned on. I don't know."
I'm a little bit late to the self-care game.
I-- I just started using enough body lotion.
You know what I mean? To really moisturize the whole body.
It's a lot of lotion.
I always cheated myself. I didn't think I deserved that much.
I always gave myself a modest amount,
started lotioning from the top down, so my legs paid the price.
Then I joined Costco.
Changed my life. Costco lotion is a great value.
Comes in a big old container.
Usually has a convenient pump on top, right?
The only issue is, about two-thirds into the bottle,
the technology collapses.
Oh, no.
A lot of lotion left, but you can't access it via the pump.
The pump is dead.
At that point you gotta unscrew the top and use the pump like a dipstick.
[audience chuckling]
I don't like that.
Going from pumping to dipping, that's a humbling transition.
You know? 'Cause when I'm pumping, I feel carefree. I feel rich. I'm like…
"Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
Keep the change."
When I'm dipping, it's like, "Oh…
I'm an intelligent animal.
I can use tool."
[chuckling continues]
You know, you gotta twist and pull at the same time.
It's like buttering toast with a chopstick.
I got body lotion. I got face lotion.
I stepped up my game. I got eye cream.
[audience whoops]
That's next-level, you know?
Eye cream is serious 'cause eye cream costs more.
More than any other lotion you ever bought in your whole life.
But it comes in the tiniest container.
You have to justify this precious purchase.
You only apply the eye cream with your ring finger.
The softest finger, right?
'Cause it's the laziest finger.
Your ring finger, it don't pick, it don't point, it don't cuss.
It's-- It's only--
Your ring finger is only good for making one promise
and eye cream.
Which you apply in a gentle, dabbing motion
with your mouth slightly open like…
[chuckling continues]
"This better work.
So expensive."
Now as an adult, though, I speak three languages.
I speak Spanish, English and Caucasian.
Now, Caucasian is like English,
but I have to use fancy words I don't normally use,
like "organic" and "deductible."
Let me give you an example.
Like, in my everyday life, when my friends mess up,
I'm like, "Bitch, you fucked up."
But in Caucasian, I'm like, "Ma'am, that is unacceptable."
See? A little right there? A little--
[audience cheering]
"I will fuck you up."
"Let me speak to the manager."
See?
When my mom pees, she doesn't wipe.
Ooh, I heard a woman right there go, "Ew."
Look, she's covering her mouth, and she waved.
Look, right there in the jeans.
Jean jacket, she went, "Ugh!" Like it was a-- Like, "Oh, my God."
And then she went like this, "That was me. That's-- Ew."
Look at her.
I'm gonna tell you why. What's your name?
-Eileen. -Eileen.
Let me tell you why she doesn't use paper. All right, Eileen?
Because she washes it with water. So ew you, bitch.
Don't you ever disrespect my mom's pussy.
It's the cleanest pussy in Los Ang-- [chuckles]
She calls it a tabò.
[audience cheering]
It's a cup.
There's a lot of people in here going, "What's a tabò?"
Especially the ones that aren't Filipino.
I'ma tell you what a tabò is.
A tabò can be anything.
A coffee mug with a broken handle.
[audience chuckling]
An empty I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! container.
Or my mom's favorite, a Super Big Gulp cup.
"Because it holds 44 ounces of water, Joseph.
I can really clean it, huh?"
And my mom's tabò sits in the same spot it always sat in
since the day she moved to this country.
Between the-- Between the shower and the toilet.
That little area right there is called tabò lane.
And that's where my mom's special cup sits.
And I know there's a lot of guys in here that aren't Filipino going,
"Why are you telling us this, Jo Koy?"
Well, I'll tell you why.
Say you start dating a Filipino chick and things go well.
You hook up one night, and you stay the night at her house.
You wake up, brush your teeth, and you're like, "I need a cup."
-Don't use that fucking cup. -[audience laughing]
That cup is not for your mouth.
Anytime my wife and I go out, when we go back to the house,
she's always shocked how fast I get into bed, all right?
I don't know what you people do after a night out,
but I go home, I brush my teeth, take my clothes-- And boom.
Right in bed.
There's no washing the face.
I just washed it two hours ago.
What? I'm gonna take a-- a sink bath after going out for an hour and a half?
My wife always walks in the bedroom, "Oh, my God. You're in bed already?"
"Yeah. It's nighttime.
What did you think I was gonna do? Cut the lawn?
Get in. Get in."
[chuckling]
I don't know what she does in that bathroom.
The noises that are coming out of there.
The water-- [imitates water spurting]
She comes out rolling her face with some spiked roller.
I go, "Is that-- You're bleeding. Is that helping you?
My mother uses that to make pasta.
Why are you using that on your forehead?"
Then she puts some Korean mask on. You ever see the m--
As soon as you see the mask, you're like, "No sex tonight. There goes that."
I'm gonna make love to a hockey goalie?
"Just blink, babe, so I know you're enjoying this.
You under that thing?"
White schools do not celebrate Black History Month
the same way Black schools do.
Mm-mmm.
White schools celebrate Black History Month
according to how many Black kids is at the school.
So if it's four niggas, it's four days.
[audience chuckling]
Let's just say, at my kids' fucking school,
Spirit Week lasts longer than Black History Month.
And the few white people I see here,
I don't know if you know how important Black History Month is to us,
but we used to go all-out for that shit, didn't we, Black people?
You had to dress up as a Black hero
and be that fucking Black hero for 30 fucking days.
Now I know what you're thinking. "Ms. Pat, it's only 28 days."
Fuck you, we took them two days back.
[scattered applause]
So let me give you an example.
If your child chose to be Harriet Tubman,
your child had to be Harriet fucking Tubman.
Your child had to be smart, be able to lead, be good at hide-and-seek…
and be able to pistol-whip a nigga.
And have a strong-ass face.
Niggas, don't play with me.
You know Harriet wasn't fucking cute.
You know good and damn well Harriet looked like her uncle.
[audience laughing]
[chuckles]
Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I don't appreciate Harriet, 'cause I do.
'Cause without Harriet, I'd be sucking some white dude dick against my will.
Y'all act like y'all would fuck Harriet. Ain't a nigga here that'd fuck Harriet.
Would you fuck Harriet? You a girl. I'm sorry.
[audience cheering]
You probably would fuck Harriet, but--
[cackling]
I'm sorry, I didn't see you. My glasses ain't on.
You probably would eat the shit out of her, but I'm sorry.
[cackling]
Ah, anything to be free, ain't that right, bitch?
[cackling]
Eat your way straight out of master house.
Someone tried to hug me today. [chuckles]
I mean, I sound like a dick,
but this older woman was very sweet, and she saw me, and we both froze,
and she goes, "Oh, no. Wait a second.
No. Are you someone?"
And I go, "Yes, I am."
And she goes, "Give me a hug."
I go, "Oh, no."
Not because I don't like it. It's just I'm terrified.
You know what I mean?
Who's hugging still?
I go, "Maybe I could just get away with a fist bump."
She goes, "Nope. Come here. I'm a hugger."
[imitates cawing]
She did this eight-foot wingspan, and she came in for the kill.
And I gave up. I said, "All right, bring it in. Let's both die. Come on."
Because I don't know what's going on. Is she sick? I don't--
But that's how paranoid I am.
And by the way, the old "I'm a hugger," can we get rid of that?
I mean, it's not working anymore.
"I'm a hugger" and that's it? No questions asked?
That shouldn't work anymore for obvious reasons,
and it definitely doesn't work with guys for probably a hundred reasons.
I mean, my uncle was like that.
"Come on. Come here. I'm an ass-grabber.
Get in here. Give me that juicy ass.
No, it's okay. I'm just an ass-grabber.
Don't be weird about it. No, I grab asses, and I like it."
"No, we understand that part."
"I'm an old-school guy. It's part of my charm.
I'm a camel toe grazer, and that's what I do.
Just a little bit on the knuckles.
I don't even feel it. I have no nerve endings.
You can't get mad.
Ask my family. I've been doing it forever.
I like to bump a biscuit now and then, and everyone's been cool with it.
I don't wanna change. Don't be so woke. Come on."
I went to England, and I went to a dog show.
We were filming something, obviously,
'cause I would never seriously go to a dog show.
And I saw a Bernese Mountain Dog. I had never seen this type of dog before.
I was like, "Oh, my God.
This is like something I'd conjure up in my best dream."
They're perfect. They're black and brown and white.
And they're lazy, you know? They don't wanna do anything. I was like--
You can tell in their eyes that they just have no gumption.
You're like…
I was like, I want that dog.
I came home. I told my assistant, Tanner.
I said, "You need to get me a Bernese Mountain Dog."
But when you're a celebrity, you cannot buy a dog.
You have to rescue all of your animals.
Otherwise, PETA will burn your house down.
[audience laughs]
So I told my assistant, Tanner,
"You need to find me a used Bernese Mountain Dog."
[scattered applause]
[audience chuckling]
And two weeks later, this seven-pound, two-week-old Bernese Mountain Dog
traipsed into my life, and I couldn't believe it.
I named him Gary right away.
But I hadn't thought it through because puppies are energetic.
They wanna play. That's all they wanna do.
And their teeth are sharp, and they jump on everything,
and they're annoying.
And my two other dogs met Gary.
Within two hours, they went upstairs to the second floor
and didn't come down for two weeks.
One of them texted me and said, "Let us know when Gary's gone."
Within 48 hours, Gary had eaten two of my sofas.
Not even my cushions. The entire sofa.
I was like, "Oh, my God, what is"--
We had to remove all of the downstairs furniture.
I was basically living in an empty warehouse,
wearing a miner's lamp and kneepads, waiting for the next altercation.
On day four, I found a dead owl in my backyard.
I didn't even know owls were real.
[audience laughing]
I thought they were from Game of Thrones.
One of my dreams came true. I got to go to Switzerland for the first time.
One of my dreams.
If you don't know, I'll tell you why it was such a big dream of mine.
My mother is a Black woman, Xhosa woman, from South Africa.
I grew up in South Africa, right?
[speaks Xhosa]
My dad is a Swiss man from Switzerland. White man, right?
And so, I never got to go to Switzerland.
When I got the chance, I never really made the time, then I couldn't go.
And then finally, now, we went to Switzerland for the first time.
And it was liberating, you know? 'Cause here's the thing.
My whole life, my whole life,
I have always felt like my dad didn't really love me, okay?
And then now, when I went and met him in Switzerland,
I was like, "No.
He's just Swiss."
[audience laughing]
They're all like that!
It was a bit weird though.
I tried to surprise him, though.
I tried to surprise him by learning German.
We hadn't seen each other for a while, and because he speaks German,
I thought I was gonna surprise him on the trip, you know?
I went on Duolingo, did a bunch of studying,
and I got to Germany, got over there and practiced, the whole thing,
got to Switzerland and was like, "This is it."
I was ready, like, "I'm gonna surprise my dad."
I planned to get to his house, knock on the door.
He was gonna open it and be surprised like, "Trevor!"
Then I would be like, "Papa! Ich sprechen Deutsch!"
He was gonna be like… [speaking German]
And be like… [sings in German]
It was gonna be a whole thing. I had it all planned out.
Didn't go according to plan.
I got there. He was surprised. He was happy.
But as soon as I spoke, like, "Papa! Ich sprechen Deutsch!"
He was like, "Don't do that. Don't do that, huh?
No. Don't do that. No."
It's a different world now, man.
It's a different world, isn't it?
Cruise ships? You'll never see a cruise ship again. Kiss that goodbye.
Our grandkids won't know what a buffet is.
Oh…
Fuck, COVID changed everything.
First off, every cruise ship is booked up to the year 2026.
People cannot wait to get aboard the plague barge
and sail the bounding main.
"Oh, let me die near a waterslide!"
Not only are buffets gonna come back,
they're gonna come back with this weird, "own the libs" vengeance to 'em.
Every single one's gonna have an agenda.
"Come on down to Captain COVID's Alpha-Males-Only Buffet.
You the kind of left-wing soy boy
that needs a sneeze guard over your clam chowder?
Or are you able to fuck your wife?
Then come on down to Captain COVID's.
You show us proof you ain't been vaccinated,
you get a free platter of room-temperature scallops.
[audience chuckles]
That's right."
Cancel me.
Tell Twitter I told you to say the N-word.
Do it. Cancel me. Cancel me.
If you really think you have the ability to cancel me,
sitting in your underwear at home, on your fucking phone, do it.
Cancel me. Cancel me.
I left three countries with free health care and no guns.
[audience laughing]
I moved to America in 2015 already prepared to die.
You think MAGA idiots, Asian hate, uncontrolled COVID,
Twitter people scare me?
Do it. Cancel me. Cancel me.
What are you gonna do? Cancel me so I have to go back to Malaysia?
Where I'm a national hero?
[audience chuckling]
And the currency advantage is very much in my favor?
Oh, no! [imitates crying]
How will I ever survive?
Do it. Do it.
Free me from this hell.
Welcome to my show.
It's not a show. There's no dancers or jugglers.
It's basically a bloke talking.
Which is essentially what stand-up comedy is, isn't it? A bloke talking.
Sexist. Um…
What about all the funny female comedians?
Like, um…
-[audience laughing] -No. No, no. Right.
No, no, no, no.
I'm not doing that. Okay, right.
That was irony, okay?
There's gonna be a bit of that throughout the show. See if you can spot it.
Now, that's when I say something I don't really mean for comic effect,
and you, as an audience,
you laugh at the wrong thing 'cause you know what the right thing is.
It's a way of satirizing attitudes.
Like that first joke.
I used the old-fashioned, sexist trope that women aren't funny.
Now, in real life, I know there are loads of funny women.
Like, um…
I did it again. Well spotted. Good.
No, but there are.
Dame Edna Everage. She's…
Uh…
Eddie Izzard.
She's brilliant, isn't she?
She's not only a great comedienne, she's also a great actress. Isn't she?
She was brilliant in that thing as that man, wasn't she?
And upgrade your sex toys, goddamn it.
Some of y'all's sex toys are older than your kids.
Got that same rabbit and tongue,
wand, bullet.
It ain't even a bullet no more. It's a slingshot and shit.
Upgrade your shit.
There's some new shit out there right now called "Tracy's Dog."
[audience members whooping]
[audience laughing]
Those testimonial hollers right there.
Shando, let him use you, sister. Go ahead.
[chuckling]
Tracy's Dog. This motherfucker is serious, you hear me?
It's only 50 motherfucking dollars, yo.
My son's mother, she said, "I can't keep that motherfucker in the house
'cause I ain't getting shit done with it in there.
I can't get shit done with that motherfucker in there."
And this motherfucker 50 fucking dollars, you hear me?
And it's this U-shaped device, right?
This part go in and vibrating, then it curve around to the top.
And on top is the sucking mechanism that go right on the clit.
All it do is suck. Just…
[imitates sucking]
Ten speeds of sucking on this motherfucker.
This bitch will collapse your forehead, I promise you.
[audience chuckles]
It's serious.
Now, go ahead. Put it in your phone. Go ahead.
No, go ahead before you forget. Put it in your--
Don't worry about who looking at you. Put it in your phone.
You old women, put it--
You know your mind ain't like it used to be.
Go ahead. Put it in your phone before you forget it.
Sitting there, trying to remember that shit.
[laughs] "He's so silly.
"Tracy's Dog. Tracy's Dog. Tracy's Dog. Tracy's Dog.
Okay, I know a bitch. She named Tracy. She got a dog.
It's Tracy's…
Okay, Tracy's-- Tracy's Dog."
You putting tape over your camera on your computer, sir?
You are? I knew it.
Putting tape over your computer camera, you're like,
"Russia's not gonna see this dick."
"They don't deserve to see this V-neck and this dick."
You deleting your cookies?
You don't know? You're not sure? That means, "Yes. Every 20 seconds."
All the guys in my office are like,
"We need a program that deletes all our cookies."
I'm like, "How much weird-ass porn are you watching?"
Where's our homey? Where's 65? Where's our guy? Did he pass on?
Okay, there he is.
Listen to me. They-- If you can hear me, listen.
They watch all the porn on the Internet,
and then they complain that it doesn't get deleted fast enough.
They have to delete cookies.
Do you have any idea what he had to do when he wanted to see a pair of titties?
He had to drive into town,
look for a newsstand.
He had to look a grown man in the eye
and say, "I would like a Big Beaver magazine, please."
[cheering, applause]
His cookies was a human man
who he could run into at the grocery store or church, whenever.
He never knew.
If he wanted to delete his cookies, he had to kill his friend.
I saw an article the other day that said the movie Snow White is now problematic.
And it's like, all right.
Look, if a movie is 75-plus years old,
let's just assume there's a few problems and go about our day.
We don't need a think piece every time.
But of course, I read the article,
and it said, "Look, the movie is problematic
because he kisses her and she's sleeping. There's no consent."
And I was like, "All right. But it was a quick kiss, and it saved her life."
It's not-- It's not like he's making out with her while jacking off,
and the dwarves are filming.
It was pretty tastefully done, huh?
I don't think that movie has ever inspired a sexual assault.
I don't think there's a dude in prison right now, like, "Disney lied."
[audience laughs]
If you pass out and you get kissed by a prince,
it's not-- it's not exactly the worst-case scenario, you know?
I'm not saying it's okay, but that's--
If you're unconscious, that is most likely not who's gonna kiss you.
Maybe Prince Andrew, but normally, you know, it's…
Right? Okay.
[audience members whooping]
Is the canceling real anymore? I don't know.
Cut to me in a basement in two years, like, "It's real. It's-- It's very real."
But some of it seems ridiculous.
Like Dr. Seuss last year. They were like, "He's canceled."
I was like, "I'm pretty sure he's dead. I don't know--
He's not frantically checking his Twitter right now."
I saw one that said, "Dr. Seuss is under fire."
I was like, "He's underground. He's not-- He's not with us anymore."
I guess he had some racist stuff in some of the lesser-known children's books.
Of course, Tucker Carlson comes on the news like,
"They're coming for Seuss.
It's Seuss today. It could be any of us tomorrow.
You need to pick a side in the Seuss wars."
There were people spending thousands of dollars
on the racist Dr. Seuss books for I don't know what occasion.
I don't know when you break those out.
"Daddy, will you read me Cat in the Hat?"
He's like, "Nah, I got the good shit."
We're gonna do a little Jew in the Zoo tonight. That's--
The one that broke my heart more than anything
was when we lost Aretha Franklin, the Queen of Soul.
Tried to pay my respects and watch the funeral,
but that funeral was so long.
I kept hollering at the TV, "Let her go."
She's supposed to be with the Lord.
That funeral was so long, they turned off my cable.
I said, "This funeral done went through two billing cycles."
They call me, "Why ain't you paying your bill?"
I said, "I'm still at the funeral."
Let her go.
I never seen a pastor preach the whole Bible.
This nigga didn't miss a scripture.
I knew we were gonna be there a long time
'cause the nigga come out talking about, "In the beginning…"
I said, "The beginning?"
What do Adam and Eve got to do with a funeral?
Let her go. She's supposed to be with the Lord.
CNN was there. They was unplugging their shit.
"Come on. Let's get the fuck out of here."
We've been here for three weeks.
Don Lemon supposed to be on TV right now.
I kept hollering at the TV, "Let her go!"
I knew it was long when Aretha got up to change dresses.
[audience laughing]
"I'm gonna wear something different in the second half of the funeral."
I said, "The second half?
Who has a halftime at a funeral?"
Let her go. She's supposed to be with the Lord.
That funeral was so long, nigga, they held her in Detroit so long,
by the time she finally did make it to the Pearly Gates to get into heaven,
an angel came to the door and said, "God gone."
You supposed to been here three weeks ago.
He touched you on the third. It's the 21st.
I know you the queen, but he the king.
You just can't have the Lord just waiting for you, Aretha.
This is no kind of respect.
Florida's got a new bill. People call it the Don't Say Gay bill.
One of the provisions in this bill that they dropped
was that teachers were gonna have to out kids as gay
to their parents within six months.
Which is horrible but hilarious.
-[gasps] -[audience gasps]
When you think of the calls the teachers would have to make…
"Hey, Mr. Morris. How are you? Yeah.
I'm Todd's English teacher.
Yeah, he's doing great. No, no problems. He's doing great.
He is very close with another boy though.
They laugh a lot. They take the bus together.
Oh, that's his brother?
Okay. No, nothing. Nothing, uh…
Nothing at all. How are you? Are you good? [chuckles]
Yeah, I'm just checking up on everybody."
I would call. I'd give it no context.
"Hey, Mrs. Miller.
Your daughter's a les."
Let them figure it out.
You know?
It also makes teachers look horrible, you know?
"I watched your son jerk off with his friend. I think they're gay.
No, I did. I-- I filmed it. I knew you wouldn't believe me.
Do you want to see it? It's my job.
No, it's my job. I'm a teacher."
I'm so sick of motherfuckers talking shit about Joe Biden.
"Joe need to get his shit together."
"You need to wake up, Joe."
"Go Brandon, Joe."
The fuck is wrong with you people?
Who raised you?
Joe Biden is 96 motherfucking years old, bitch.
You gave pawpaw the job, bitch.
You gave great-granddaddy the job, bitch.
Now you want big daddy to get his shit together?
Joe Biden is doing the best he motherfucking can.
That man is 97 years old.
People talking shit about Joe Biden.
"I don't like the way he left Afghanistan."
Bitch, how the fuck do you think a 98-year-old man leave a fight?
Quickly and quietly, bitch.
Joe Biden left Afghanistan like this.
[audience laughing]
Joe is doing the best he fucking can.
Give him a fucking break. Joe is 99 goddamn years--
[laughing continues]
If you lucky enough to have a great-granddaddy,
call him up right now on the phone
and ask him is he ready to do 12 press conferences tomorrow, bitch.
No, he is not.
I mean, does anyone here look in the mirror
and feel good about what they see?
-No. -Yeah.
Yeah. There's usually one guy and Lizzo.
[audience laughing]
You know?
And I get it with Lizzo.
She plays the flute. It's very sexy. It's cool.
But who's that guy? I mean, you know those guys that are just like…
[audience chuckling]
Like, the sun is always in their eyes, you know what I mean?
Always touching their chests, you know?
I'm like, what is the-- What is his morning like?
You know? Does he look in the mirror, and he's just like…
"Fucking nailed it.
All right. Let's start the day, Jake." [chuckles]
That is not what my morning is like, okay?
I do everything in my power to be as attractive as possible.
And tonight, that's to look like one of Christopher from The Sopranos' friends.
"How you doing?
Hey, Chris, are you gonna talk to your uncle Tony for me?"
I do everything in my power, and then I look in the mirror.
And the voice that I hear when I look in the mirror
is like an English bully.
You know, he's just like…
[imitating English accent] …"Look at you. You fat fucking iguana."
[normal voice] The voice I hear might be British action star Jason Statham.
[imitating Cockney accent] "Why are you so red when you get out the shower?"
[normal voice] "Cause I have eczema."
[imitating Cockney accent] "Yeah, you got eczemas, don't you?
And what makes the eczema flare up?"
[normal voice] "Dairy."
[imitating Cockney accent] "You're still eating lots of ice creams, aren't you?"
[normal voice] "Yeah."
[imitating Cockney accent] "And tree nuts."
[normal voice] "Yeah, I'm not supposed to eat cashew--"
[imitating Cockney accent] "Yeah, you're not supposed to eat cashews, are you?
-What are you gonna do about it?" -[normal voice] "I guess I should go--"
[imitating Cockney accent] "To the chemist?"
[normal voice] "We call it a pharmacy."
[imitating Cockney accent] "Yeah, I bet you fucking do.
Why don't you go down to the pharmacy and get your fragrance-free moisturizers
and get your jumbo pack of children's melatonin?"
[normal voice] "'The regular--"
[imitating Cockney accent] "'Cause the regular stuff
makes you groggy in the morning, doesn't it?
And then you walk out of the pharmacy,
-and what did you forg--" -[normal voice] "I forgot my eczema--"
[imitating Cockney accent] "Yeah, you forgot your eczema creams!
So why don't you get the fuck out of here,
you fat, forgetful, amphibious, red, rashy,
pathetic, Semitic fucking nobody?"
[audience cheering]
And then I look in the mirror and I'm like, "Let's start the day."
They wanted a dog. I don't want no dog. You understand?
First of all, dogs got different lives than they had when I came up.
Understand? I don't dig--
You new dog owners, y'all doing too much. I'm telling you that right now.
You got 'em in the grocery store,
you walking around with 'em and shit in little bags.
I flew here first-class with a poodle next to me,
looking at me like, "What the fuck you doing here?"
No, bitch, what the fuck you doing here?
Y'all got your mouth in their mouth.
"Oh, my God, I love you so much."
But you won't get the vaccine. But this right here…
[applause]
But this, "I don't want that in my body!
But my dog, who's been licking his balls all day…"
Get the fuck out of here.
I was like, "Why did I want a dog?"
You know what I mean? Like, I had a dog coming up.
And then it hit me. I went, "I had a dog coming up.
And it was horrible."
One of my biggest childhood pains
is connected to one of my dogs when I grew up.
I grew up here in Cleveland, Ohio. I'll never forget. I was about eight.
And I was standing in the doorway, dog was outside on the tree lawn peeing.
Outside, a car pulls up, opens the door, grabs the dog, drives away.
-[audience groans] -I said, "What?"
I said, "Dad, they got the dog!"
This is all my father had to give me in this horrible moment in my life.
He went, "Aw!
[audience chuckling]
All right, come on in the house."
I said, "Wait a minute!"
I was like, "You're not gonna do shit?"
Now he's mad at me. "What the fuck you want me to do?
The dog is gone."
I said, "Goddamn. We're not supposed to care about these dogs!"
For years this haunted me.
And I came up at a time where you didn't talk to your parents about your feelings.
You just processed that shit through your own little eight-year-old mind.
And for years, I would run that through my head.
Like, you know, I understand why he came out and looked that way.
Because that's the way they drove off.
But what the fuck you looking back here for?
Like you thought they're gonna go around the block with the car
and come back with the dog?
"There you go. I was fucking with you. There's your dog."
Look at Ice Cube. Ice Cube doesn't wanna get the vaccine.
He was supposed to do this movie called Oh Hell No,
which, sadly, we'll never see. And…
He was supposed to get the vaccine, and he wouldn't do it.
But you know what's weird?
A few months before the pandemic, Ice Cube got a colonoscopy.
You know what a colonoscopy is?
Basically, Ice Cube went to the doctor.
The doctor was like, "You got a problem in your stomach,
and we need to do a colonoscopy."
And he was like, "What's that?"
And they're like, "Uh, well, sit down, Ice Cube.
Basically, you need to drink a gallon of fluid
and just shit out everything in your body.
Just clean out your system, right?
Next day, you come in, we'll put you under,
and we'll shove a rubber hose up your asshole
that's got a camera on the end of it.
We'll go in there, film for a few hours, and see what's going on.
And we'll run some tests, and when we're done, we'll wake you up."
And he was like, "All right. Well, do what you gotta do."
He didn't say any of the shit he's saying now.
He wasn't like out there like, "I gotta understand the science."
He wasn't out there like, "My butthole, my rights." No.
He was passed out with four strangers around him.
They were like, "We're having a little trouble."
He's like, "You can do it. Put your back into it."
[audience chuckling]
They-- They were in there for hours.
For hours.
What were they doing? Filming a limited series?
Does season 2 of Queen's Gambit take place in Ice Cube's large intestine?
[sighs]
I don't know if Ice Cube's had a colonoscopy. Uh…
But… he's--
He's over 45 years old. He should have had one.
It's-- It's a screening colonoscopy.
It's to make sure you don't have colon cancer.
So, let's hope my joke is true.
I am breaking the cycle of generational trauma.
And it's a lot of work, okay?
So, here's what I've done so far.
So, it's like a decade in therapy.
And then every day, okay, I wake up, I practice my gratitude,
and then I drink my coffee, I take a shit.
[audience chuckles]
I exercise because the endorphins from exercise help fight depression.
And then I adhere to a low-carbohydrate, high-protein diet,
I meditate twice a day,
I feel all my dumb feelings… [sighs]
…and I am still so fucked up.
Like, I'm-- [cackles, snorts, exclaims] I'm so fucking crazy.
[audience whooping, whistling]
Thank you. [giggles] Mmm.
Woo! [chuckles]
But… [cackles]
But I'm trying, and I'm in the game.
And I'm gonna do it, man.
I'm gonna do it. Yeah.
[audience cheers]
Yeah, 'cause my childhood was wacky, like…
Well, put it this way. Like, growing up, I couldn't understand, like--
I couldn't understand those people who lived at home in their twenties.
You know, like, dude, I wanted out at six, bro.
I was like, "Where's my letter to Hogwarts?
Get me the fuck out of this."
You know, I would have rather lived with those bitches from The Facts of Life
and get scissored by that lesbo Jo. Remember Jo?
You guys know Jo was a lesbo, right?
Yeah, 'cause she had a ponytail…
and she was a… [imitates deep voice] …mechanic.
A pussy mechanic, am I right? Yeah!
[cheers]
My son's really good at basketball. He has a nice jump shot.
He always wants to play one-on-one with me, but it leaves my daughter out.
She has nothing to do. So one day I hand her a little ball.
I say, "Sweetie, you play with this ball here.
When me and your brother are done, I'll play with you."
We start playing. She drops the ball.
It rolls into our game, disrupts us. We have to stop.
My son's already in a bad mood, and he loses his shit.
Right, he picks up the ball up, and he's going, "No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no."
And I go, "Whoa, buddy, what are you doing?
What are you gonna do? Throw the ball at your sister?"
He goes, "I'm tired of this, Dad."
I go, "Buddy, you're 12. You're not tired of shit, okay?
I'm tired. I'm tired.
Me and your mother might get divorced from what happened at breakfast, okay?
There's gonna be another guy named Phil living here in six months.
Give her the ball back."
And my daughter's going, "Lucas, can I have the ball?" Right?
And I go, "Do the right thing and hand it to her. Hand it." Right?
And in anger and disgust, he bounced it at her hard.
Hits her nose and lip, splits her lip.
She's bleeding, screaming, crying.
And it is an absolute shit show.
So now I need to console my little girl and scold my boy at the same time.
I'm going, "Sweetie, I'm so sorry. We're gonna clean that up.
What are you, nuts? She's bleeding and crying 'cause of your attitude.
I hope you feel good about that.
I'm so sorry. Give me one second.
You wanna play one-on-one? We're gonna play right now, me and you.
You wanna play like that with your sister? My ball first. My house."
So I back him to the hole hard.
Back him to the hole hard.
Layup. One-nothing. Let's go. Make it, take it. My house. Respect.
[pants] I get it again. Boom. Ten-footer. Nothing but net. Swish.
I go, "You get your shot from me. Let's go."
Now he starts getting amped up.
Guys, on the third possession,
my son legitimately steals the ball from me.
I tried to get it behind my back. He steals it.
He starts running towards the hoop. He's all blushing and into it.
And he pulls up an eight-footer. Nothing but net.
He steps up to me. He chested up.
He looked at me, and he just goes, "Let's fucking go."
[audience laughing]
[applause]
"What? What did you just say to me?"
He goes, "Let's go?"
I go, "Go sit on the wall for five minutes and think about what you just--
I am your father. You never speak to me like that. Are you out of your mind?"
I turned and thought to myself,
"That was the greatest shit I have ever seen in my fucking life!
My son is the man!"
Yeah, one month into COVID, my mom's flip phone broke.
And so we bought her her very first iPhone.
And if you were to say to me tonight,
"Jeff, would you rather teach your mother how to text
or teach your dog how to wipe his ass?"
I would probably say, "Hand me the toilet paper.
Let me give that a shot."
The texting has been a little bit of a challenge.
And my daughters were so excited, you know,
that their gabba was finally texting, so they're texting her.
One night, I get a call from my mom,
and sh-she says to me, "What is 'lo'?"
I said, "What are you talking about?"
She said, "Jordan sent me a text, and at the end of it, it said 'lo.'"
I said, "How do you spell it?" She said, "L-O-L."
I said, "Mom, that's not 'lo.' That's 'laugh out loud.'"
I said, "That's what the kids do now.
Instead of writing everything out, you know, they just use initials.
Like 'I-D-K' is 'I don't know.' 'O-M-G' is 'Oh, my gosh.'"
I said, "That's how they do it."
Few nights later, I get a text from my mother that says,
"I-Y-G-T-T-G-S-I-N-S-K."
[audience chuckling]
I'm like, "Oh, God. Mom's had a stroke."
I called her up and said, "Mom, what did you just text me?"
She said, "I was doing like the girls do.
I said, 'If you go to the grocery store, I need some ketchup.'"
Well, of course. Why didn't I see that?
Orgasms are wild, though.
The differences between the male orgasm and the female orgasm, insane.
Like, the male orgasm, as we all know, it's very straightforward.
It's like Mario Kart.
You just go around the track enough times, and you've won.
Whereas the female orgasm, from what I'm told,
it's very much like you're entering a maze, and there's a sphinx,
and he's like, "I only tell the truth, and my brother only tells lies."
And you sort of have to solve that riddle,
get to the middle of the maze and defeat the Minotaur,
and then maybe you'll find the G-spot. You don't know!
The way we talk about the G-spot in this culture,
it's as thought it moves about the body, every night, a different location,
like the Room of fucking Requirement.
It is absolutely nuts.
Like, I just don't think it could be that difficult.
You only ever hear it's hard to make a woman come
in the context of heterosexual relationships.
You never hear that from queer women,
and I wonder what the missing piece of the equation is.
-[audience chuckles] -You know? Like… Like, honestly.
[scattered applause]
No, stop.
I will not let this descend into "clapter."
You either laugh and clap or none. Okay?
[audience chuckles]
I don't think it could be that difficult, though, to make a woman come.
Like, honestly, I think I could do it. [chuckles]
-[audience member screams] -I do. Put me in, Coach. You know?
Like, I just-- I think I could do it.
I haven't spent a lot of time down there, but I love a puzzle,
so I just feel like I would approach it like any escape room.
Just hit all the corners and then get out of there. You know?
So with that in mind, ma'am, if you could come up here on the stool.
If I could get my beach towel flown in, please, that would be really great.
I'm just kidding, but what if I wasn't?
Like, what if you were watching this Netflix special, and you were like,
"Oh, my God. A gay Asian man just got a woman off live on stage."
Who said theater was dead?
I have a lot of new traits now. I recently went to Chipotle at 10:45 a.m.
Doctor's orders.
And when I walked in, I was like…
'Cause I'm cool. When I walk into a Chipotle, I'm not-- Up here, I'm all…
At Chipotle, I'm like-- I get it. I'm like…
[smacks lips]
So I walk into a Chipotle, and the guy working there--
Yes, a man. Important for the story.
He's like, "What do you want?"
And I'm like, "Okay, he wants to have raw-dog sex with me."
Now I say, "Hello. I would like a chicken burrito bowl.
I know guac is extra, and I'll take the hottest sauce."
He goes… [snorts] …"You sure?"
[moans]
I was like… [imitating baby voice] …"Oh, my God. Am I sure?
Mmm.
I don't know.
I never thought about it before.
[audience chuckling]
I don't think about big-boy questions like that.
I'm just a little girlie.
I think about little girlie things like earrings and shoes.
I don't know about big-boy stuff like that.
I'm just a little baby with titties. I'm just"--
[sputters]
[normal voice] Oh, I'm sorry. I just completely blacked out.
Did I do something?
Wait, did I say something annoying?
Let me be real with you. You've followed my journey from the start.
Life hasn't always been show business.
There's been times in my life where I've been broke. Like, "broke" broke.
You know, you ever been so broke you pray? You ever done that?
You're not even religious.
You start praying. You don't even know how to pray.
"Uh, yeah. Um, yeah.
I don't know who's up there. Buddha, one of you, listen.
I beg you, please.
If there's any way that Our Father can walk through the shadow of death
and find me some kind of sign for money"--
Even while you're negotiating with the Lord, it doesn't even make sense.
"If you can find me a sign of money,
I promise I will never swear again in my life."
What?
Real broke, man.
It's over for white people. It's 100%-- We had a nice run.
Listen, white people, we had a nice run, but, baby, it's over.
Okay? Make no mistake.
Facedown. Done. Over. Never coming back.
But, I mean, hall of fame historically. Really, a lot of good things.
Also a lot of bad things. But brush over it, you know?
But it's over. It's over for whites. And I knew that.
I felt that about seven years ago.
I felt that coming. I felt the tide turning for the whites.
I looked in the mirror, I said, "Uh-oh, SpaghettiO.
[audience laughs]
Chris, you are"-- 'Cause I am, like, skin-condition white.
Like, I am supremely white.
And it's just-- I knew. So I had to make a decision.
'Cause I deliberately, on purpose-- Both my daughters are Puerto Rican.
-[whooping] -I have-- Yes. Latina children. Thank you.
Ooh.
I have Latina kids and-- Again, by design.
I went out to a bar seven years ago. It's called "Place to Beach."
It's still there, actually. It's in Coney Island, Brooklyn.
Google it. Yeah, Place to Beach.
Yeah, I bought my fake vaccine card there with a mai tai.
And-- From Vito.
He's dead of COVID, but what can you do?
I like doctors. I like specialists though, you know?
Like, this is what I don't understand.
Your foot hurts, so you wanna go to the foot doctor.
You phone the foot doctor, he goes,
"You can't come. You gotta go to a regular doctor."
So then you go to the regular doctor, and he goes,
"Yeah, you gotta go to a foot doctor.
Yeah, just pay Agnes 80 bucks on the way out."
What is that scam, you know?
You go, "All right."
He goes, "While you're here, want me to take your blood pressure?"
I'm like, "No, that's fine. I've had my blood pressure taken about 5,000 times."
Don't even know what it means.
They go, "It's 150 over 60."
I go, "Is that good?" They go, "It's… I don't know.
It's all a blur.
I'm a doctor.
I'm gonna be hitting your knee with a hammer now."
[chuckles] That's the oddest one to me of all time.
We haven't gotten past that?
That's like a cartoon from the 1950s.
Guy pulls out a hammer, hits your knee with it,
and then you go, "Ah, my knee! Oh, my God, that hurts."
And then the guy writes down, "Excellent. Very good."
That's exactly how you should react when your knee is struck by a hammer.
Sometimes, doctors just know smart words. You ever see those guys?
Like one time I remember I was real tired. I had this thing, I didn't know what.
So I went in, and I say, "Hey, Doc, I got this thing. I'm real tired."
He goes, "Sounds like chronic fatigue syndrome to me."
I say, "Really? What's that?"
He says, "Well, 'chronic' means 'always,'
and 'fatigue' means 'tired,'
and 'syndrome,' that means 'something you got.'
Anyway, you can pay Agnes 80 bucks on the way out."
I just like a thick-necked, ignorant-looking man. That's what I like.
I like a guy that looks like he'd say, "Follow the money,"
when he's talking about the vaccine.
I want One Direction to do a BTS covers medley at my funeral.
Because that way, I'll be glad I'm dead.
[audience laughs]
I'm looking for a hot young thing. Somebody about…
50.
[audience laughs]
The best thing about coming out as transgender
is that people have been so thrown off by this
that they've totally forgotten to be racist.
So it's the best thing that's ever happened. It's great.
Every single month, I think I'm pregnant.
Even if I don't have sex,
I'm like, "Happened to Mary. It could definitely happen to me."
People with children will act like if you don't have children,
you not allowed to point out when they're being a shitty parent.
The weird thing is, I wasn't trans before I got the vaccine.
[audience laughing]
♪ Don't you hate it When the hooker turns out to be 17? ♪
[audience chuckling]
It's like, "I'm pretty sure I paid for 16."
[audience member squeals]
Being a comedian is not a psychiatric condition.
Are many of us also very fucked up, myself included?
Yes. But whatever.
Periodically, if you're lucky, you might find lasagna in there.
[audience chuckles]
-We love you, nigga. Real shit. -Thank you for the marijuana.
Yeah, go on. Get down, nigga. I got one more for you right here.
-This shit here, that shit there… -This roll for me?
This is a Snoop Dogg Netflix production.
Let's all squeeze together
'cause I'm sure the regular people in the front row
want a picture of the fab four.
Absolutely not.
No. Fuck, no. I'm not--
Recently, comedy has lost Norm Macdonald,
Louie Anderson,
Bob Saget,
Gilbert Gottfried
and Will Smith.
[audience laughing, cheering]
Thank you, balcony. I appreciate it.
I appreciate you coming and paying half price.
I thank you very much. It's--
Thank you, but shut the fuck up.
No fucking whooping or-- Just laugh. Thank--
No, but thank-- But shush. Everyone calm down.
All right, shut the fuck up.
You letting a bitch know she done made it.
Where the sexy ladies at?
Who ain't got no panties on?
♪ I smell turkey bacon ♪
Netflix is letting me know…
[giggles]
…that my, uh, one-hour special
has gone over by 37 minutes and 30 seconds.