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(TAP DRIPS)
(TAP RUNS)
("BLIND DATE" THEME PLAYS)
(TV): Ladies and gentlemen, it's "Blind Date".
And here is your host, Miss Cilla Black!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
("BLIND DATE" THEME PLAYS)
(DOG YAPS OUTSIDE)
(CILLA): Thank you!
Hello and welcome to "Blind Date",
the show that tries to find a boy and a girl
who go together like birds of a feather.
Will the billing and cooing lead to wooing?
Or will the day they both met be the day that they'll regret?
(LAUGHTER)
(RADIO): It's been quite a week
for clashes and confrontations in the arts.
The British Prime Minister, Mrs Margaret Thatcher became
the patron of an admirable new scheme
to get business and industry to sponsor the arts at the same time
as the Conservative Government that she heads was under fire
from prominent figures in the arts world.
The bone of contention is a clause, Clause 28...
(SWITCHES STATIONS)
(ORCHESTRAL NEWS STING)
If you're just joining us, this is Peter Brackley.
Welcome to "Sports Report".
FA Cup, sixth round:
Everton two, Ipswich Town one.
Tottenham Hotspur nil, Liverpool one...
(CLASS SING): # Give me courage When the world is rough
♪ Keep me loving Though the world is tough... ♪
(BELL RINGS)
(SINGING CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)
(PUPILS CHATTER)
- (CHUCKLES) - What?
I could forge your nan's signature better, Siobhan.
- But I didn't. - Do you want me to call her?
No. Don't.
If there's a problem at home, you can tell me, you know?
Can't have my star player missing any more matches, can I?
- OK. I'll call her. - (CHUCKLES)
You and your bloody fan club!
(BELL RINGS)
(DOOR OPENS)
(GIRLS CHATTER AND LAUGH)
(WHISTLE BLOWS) (JEAN SHUSHES)
Carol.
Would you prefer to take the class yourself?
(GIRLS GIGGLE)
OK. Erm...
Can anyone tell me what "fight or flight" means?
I'm not just talking about netball.
"Fight or flight", any ideas?
Carol?
You can see me after, OK?
There you go.
Instincts.
I'm talking about instincts.
The body responds far quicker than the brain.
Faced with sudden danger, the body begins to respond
before the brain has even thought about it.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Steak pie, that, man.
What you having for dinner?
Don't, man, honestly. Martin's got us on this new diet.
Have you heard of it? It's called "SlimFast".
Just one of these in the morning and one at night.
Martin says I'll be wasting away by Easter.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, God. Ah, dear...
Nah. This, man.
- That's horrible. - That's minging.
I want that, though.
(THUMPING POP MUSIC PLAYS) (CHATTER)
(MUSIC: "Nomalizo" by Letta Mbulu)
(POOL BALLS CLACK)
(WOMAN LAUGHS)
- Hiya. - Oh, hello.
- How are you? - Hiya! Yeah, OK.
Hey.
- Hiya. - Hey.
(WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY)
(LAUGHS)
(DEBBIE): Cheers! Cheers! Cheers!
- Oh, come on, Baby Jean. - Right, stop... stop calling me that.
- Come on. - It suits ya.
(ALL CHEER)
- (COUGHS) - Lightweight! Lightweight!
This is exciting.
Out my way.
All right, then, love.
(MUTTERING)
Have a lickle stretch.
(MUTTERING)
(ALL EXCLAIM)
- Excuse me. - That's... I'm not having this.
Oh, no. Oh... stop it.
(ALL EXCLAIM)
What? No way!
Nice shot.
(ALL EXCLAIM)
There she is!
I'm bored.
It's not over till the fat lady sings.
Well, I'm the fat lady, and I'm calling it!
Now someone get us a drink!
- Drink, drink, drink! - Go on, Jean.
- Your go. - Your turn.
- Me? - Teacher, you won.
- I got the last one. - I know, but the winner gets the drinks in.
♪ Duh-nuh-nuh, nuh, nuh ♪
(LAUGHTER)
♪ Duh-nuh-nuh, nuh, nuh ♪ (CHUCKLES)
Thanks, love!
Hello!
(LAUGHTER)
(DISTANT DOG BARKS)
Oh, no. Please. No, not that again.
I need it.
(CHUCKLES)
You're sick in the head, you know that, don't you?
(RECORDING): I would just like you to imagine as you lie there
that the body is powering down, ready to sleep for the night.
Allow thoughts to come and go, but begin to notice the sensation
of the muscles in your legs switching off.
(SEAGULLS CALL)
(DOG BARKS)
(DISTANT DOG BARKS)
Any second now, she's gonna get clattered.
He's gonna take her down and she'll come crying to me.
- (MICHELLE): Why is he so boisterous? - (CHUCKLES)
Look at that.
- Well, that's a waste, isn't it? - Why's that?
Well, she'll not be needing footwork like that on a netball court.
Well, you could always sign her on.
And you'll take the boys for netball, too, will you?
I don't see why not.
(PUPILS CHATTER)
- Abigail Dawson. - Yeah, Miss.
(JEAN SHUSHES) (CHATTER STOPS)
- Mindy Singh. - Yeah, Miss.
Lois Jackson.
Does anyone know where Lois is?
- (GIRL): Who? - (BOY): Dunno.
- Gary Blakefield. - Here, Miss.
Christopher... Lois!
Lois?
Come on in.
I'm Miss Newman. Have youse got your kit yet?
- No. - Er... that's OK.
We'll find you something. Michelle, do we...
- Can I just watch? - (BOY): Can you just watch?
(LAUGHTER, MURMURING)
Is there something funny, Mike?
- Nah, Miss. - OK, then, grow up.
(GIRLS OOH) (LAUGHTER)
Erm...
Yeah, OK, you can sit this one out,
but in future, it's not really optional.
(PUPILS COMPLAIN)
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
I need you in two teams. Jimmy, can you get over here?
Mike, over there.
Come on, then, guys.
(MIKE): One, two, three, bulldog!
(PUPILS SHOUT)
That's it, Mike!
Come on! One, two, three, bulldog!
One, two, three, bulldog!
Come by the office tomorrow. I'll sort you out with some kit.
All right?
- You thought about joining the netball team? - No.
You could come along later and get a feel for it, if you like.
- Have you played? - No.
But I know you can't run when you've got the ball.
(CHUCKLES)
I reckon you'll be good at it.
Nah, I'm good.
(WHISTLE BLOWS) (BELL RINGS)
Let me know if you change your mind.
(TV ON)
(SLURPING)
What?
Nothing.
(CHUCKLES) Oh... really? Am I distracting you?
No.
- Just quite loud. - (CHUCKLES)
Oh, yeah?
How loud?
Sounds like you're snoring.
- No, it doesn't. - (CHUCKLES)
- Come on, show us what it's like. - (CHUCKLES)
("BLIND DATE" THEME PLAYS)
- (TV): Ladies and gentlemen... - (MIMICS SLURPING)
(CHUCKLES)
Wow! OK.
...Miss Cilla Black!
Oh, no, no way.
What?
- No way. We're not watching that. - Why?
"Oh, Kevin! If you fall for me,
I promise I'll suck your cock every week
and never ever emasculate you in front of your friends."
(THEY LAUGH)
You do realise they fill our tellies with this here to distract us
from what's really going on?
Such a conspiracy theorist.
I'm telling you.
Not everything is political.
Of course it is.
(DISTANT DOG BARKS)
(MOANING SOFTLY)
(GRUNTS)
(DOOR BUZZER)
Who's that?
How should I know?
Erm...
Er... hang on.
Oh, shit.
- What's going on? - It's... it's my sister.
Can you just... you know?
(WHISPERS): Fuck.
(DOOR OPENS)
(SASHA): Sorry, Jeanie. I tried ringing.
Erm... Tim's mam's been taken to hospital.
They think she might have had a stroke.
Could you watch our Sammy? I don't think it'll be too long.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Of course, yeah, that's fine.
Oh, really? Thank you so much. You're a star.
Yeah, we'll be OK, won't we, Sammy?
Don't go all shy on us. Say hello to Auntie Jean.
If you're lucky,
I'll let you watch cartoons before bed.
- How's that? - (GASPS) Thank you.
- OK. - Thank you.
OK. Right, off you go.
Love you! Bye!
Bye. Bye-bye.
His gran's just been rushed to hospital.
They didn't want to take him with them.
Who's that?
Sammy, this is my friend, Viv.
Viv, this is Sammy.
Hiya.
You can watch telly for five minutes, OK?
And then I'll take you up to bed.
(TV ON)
Sorry.
"Friend", is it?
- Well, he's five. - And?
Don't.
Don't what?
Well, don't tell me how to be with my own family.
OK.
I'll, er... call you tomorrow, then?
OK.
Enjoy your cartoons.
(DOOR SHUTS)
"I like women to be feminine.
"What is the most feminine thing about you?"
(WOMAN): Hmm...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Right, come on, then, Sam. Bath time.
It's not finished.
I don't care.
Quickly!
Up you go.
(SAMMY HUMS A TUNE)
(WATER SPLASHES)
Hey. Stop that!
Stop it! Right, that's it!
(SIGHS)
Hey. Hey, it's OK.
It's OK.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have yelled at you.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Good boy.
- (WHISPERS): Shall we read a story? Yeah. - Yeah.
What do you wanna read?
Superman.
(YAWNS)
(YAWNS) Me, too.
- Ready? - Yeah.
Come on, then.
(LINE RINGS)
(VIV): Hello?
I'm sorry.
Oh, yeah? What for?
For being an idiot.
Right.
Meet me by the holiday park on Blyth Road in half an hour.
Why?
(VIV HANGS UP)
What is it that scares you?
- All of it. - (LAUGHS)
Well, you're not backing out now.
(ENGINE STARTS)
(ENGINE REVS)
- Are you OK back there? - Look at the road!
(LAUGHS)
- (SHRIEKING, LAUGHING) - Wait for me!
Whoo!
(RADIO): You can phone the organisers on 0-1-8-3-7-6-6-6-6.
That's 0-1, if you're calling from outside London,
8-3-7-6-6-6-6.
Lucy?
In Haringey, positive images of homosexuality prompted
a violent response from protesting parents.
The New Clause is a group of Conservative MPs' response.
The central provisions are that homosexuality
must not be promoted in state schools,
and it outlaws teaching the acceptability of homosexuality
as a pretended family relationship. The bill...
What does that even mean?
"Pretended family relationships".
The clause is expected to go through substantially unchanged, not least...
I found myself lying the other day.
I had to call one of the kids' parents and I got...
I dunno.
And I told her I was my boss.
I didn't plan it or anything, but I felt like if I had...
...told her it was me, she might think...
There's something going on between you two?
Yeah.
Between me and the kids.
- It's stupid. - No, it's not stupid.
You know that's what they want, though, don't you?
(BELL JINGLES)
(SOFT CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO)
(SNICKERS)
- Right, love. What can I get you? - Fish 'n' chips.
- Do you want peas or beans with that? - Er, peas, please.
- Won't be long. - She's friendly.
This is not a beauty parlour. Get cracking, please, ladies.
How would you know what a beauty parlour looks like?
We were all young and dumb once, you know, Carol?
(GIRLS LAUGH)
You did a good job out there, Rachel. If you carry on like that,
you'll be able to take on the sixth-formers by the end of term.
You should be dressed by now. Come along, ladies!
Urgh, Miss, what you looking at? Get out, you perv!
(LAUGHTER)
Fancy a pint?
A few of us are heading down the Lodge.
(BOYS LAUGH)
Sorry?
Er... no, I can't.
I'm, erm... I'm minding my nephew tonight.
Friday night? Hope they're paying you.
(THEY CHUCKLE)
- See ya Monday. - See ya Monday.
(POP MUSIC PLAYS) (LAUGHTER)
"Lonely lesbian seeking intimate relationship
"with someone who shares my hobbies and interests.
"I don't really enjoy clubbing,
"but prefer a walk on the beach or a trip to the allotment!"
(LAUGHTER)
"Eagerly awaiting your replies."
Oh, God! Here y'are, this one.
"Gay white ladies lusting for sweaty, dirty dykes,
"hunting for bristling bodybuilders to fulfil my Catholic fantasies
"and soften my perpetually-erect clit."
(LAUGHTER)
Who the fuck's got a "perpetually-erect clit"?
You do, I seem to remember.
Really?
(LAUGHTER)
Read another one, Viv!
Ah, come on! We've all fucked each other.
That's what we did.
What, lost your memory now you're married, is that it?
Shall I get some tabs?
What the fuck was that?
I didn't know I had to watch language around the teacher!
♪ Beam me down Beam me back downtown... ♪
(MUSIC): "Melodies Of Love" by Pink Rhythm
(PEOPLE CHEER)
(PHONE RINGS)
(THUMP ON DOOR)
(DOOR OPENS)
Change your mind, then?
- Maybe. - Yeah, OK, erm...
Yeah, I'll, erm... I'll have you shadow Siobhan today.
Help you get to grips with the basics.
- Fuck's sake. - You got a friend.
Can you take that jumper off, please? Uniform only on this team.
(GIRLS SNICKER)
(GIRL 1): Here!
(GIRL 2): Here!
Here!
(GIRLS COMPLAIN)
That's enough.
Now, who's gonna show Lois how we defend without contact?
- Siobhan. - (WHISPERS): Fuck's sake.
Mindy, come here.
Three feet apart.
Arms in the air.
Hands following the ball.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
(BALL THUMPS)
OK.
Well done.
Lois, you wanna give it a try?
It's OK. We'll go slowly.
(GIRLS LAUGH)
You position yourself more like this.
Three feet apart.
Arms in the air.
Hands following the ball.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Well done.
Meeting at four o'clock tomorrow outside school.
Please don't be late or I'm leaving without you.
Thank you.
Well done.
See you back here tomorrow, then.
(BELL RINGS)
(DISTANT DOGS BARK)
(PHONE RINGS)
(PAULA): Hello, PE department.
Hang on.
Call for you, Jean.
- Who is it? - Didn't say.
Jean Newman speaking.
(VIV): Why, hello, Baby Jean.
Hello?
Jean?
Spoke to Baldock this morning.
He's approved those proposals you put forward.
I know. I couldn't believe it either. (CHUCKLES)
See ya later.
- Bye. - Bye.
Aye, all right.
(TV ON)
- Oh, hiya. - Hey.
Is Viv around?
Yeah, she's just in there.
Hiya.
You can't call me at work. I told you that.
Ugh, why do you have to be so uptight?
Do you know what?
Yeah, I don't need this.
Hey.
You don't know what it's like for me.
I won't call you at work.
OK.
Are you gonna shut that door, cos you're letting the draft in?
- It was open when I got here. - No, it wasn't.
- Yes, it was. - Ah, shut up.
Come on.
Are you hungry? There's pasta.
Er... no.
I'm fine.
Great.
I said you were uptight. You're not uptight.
Maybe just a little.
(THEY CHUCKLE)
(MOANING) Oh, fuck.
(BANGING AND VOICES IN NEXT ROOM)
(VOICES IN NEXT ROOM)
Come here.
- What? - Erm...
...nothing.
Er...
- Sorry, did I frighten you? - Hmm?
- I'm a bit nocturnal. - No.
It's OK.
Be a good one for your students. Have you read it?
I haven't.
Says here it was banned for obscenity.
Yeah, they thought it'd lead to an epidemic.
Epidemic of what?
Lesbianism.
Hmm.
Crazy, right?
See ya later.
(MUSIC: "You're A Woman" by Bad Boys Blue)
(MUSIC CONTINUES ON GHETTO BLASTER) (GIRLS LAUGH)
♪ Tonight
♪ There'll be no darkness tonight...
(GIRLS WHOOP, LAUGH)
♪ Let your love light shine bright
♪ Listen to my heart... ♪
(MUSIC OFF)
Save it for the match, why don't you, Siobhan?
Come on, we're just having a bit of fun, Miss.
(WHISTLE BLOWS) (GIRLS SHOUT)
(SIOBHAN): Here! Let's go!
Here!
(CHEERING)
Well done! Well done, Siobhan.
- (GIRL): Here! - Here!
Pass it!
(YELLS)
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
(GROANS)
(GIRL): Is it her arm?
(MICHELLE): Can you put any weight on it?
No.
You're on.
You'll be fine.
Try not to think too much.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
(GIRLS SHOUT)
(CHEERING)
(MICHELLE): Well done, Lois!
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Look at that!
Congratulations. Well done.
(WAVES CRASH)
I wish you'd let us come to one of your games.
You wouldn't have to talk to us. I'd just like to be there.
(CHUCKLES)
What?
What, you don't think I'd blend in with the other parents?
Stick out like a sore thumb, more like.
Hey, that's not kind.
(KEYS JINGLE)
Anyway, I bet there are loads of lezzas on your team.
Well?
- Well what? - Oh, come on.
I don't ask them who they're sleeping with.
No, but you can just tell.
I really haven't thought about it.
You're from another planet, you.
(THEY CHUCKLE) (ENGINE STARTS)
Is that right?
(RADIO): This afternoon's business in the House of Lords
was brought to an abrupt halt by three young women,
who launched a commando-style raid on the chamber.
They abseiled down ropes from the public gallery,
landed on the floor among a chamber full of startled peers
and were hustled out by Black Rod and several doorkeepers.
It was a protest against the clause in the Local Government Bill,
which curbs the promotion of homosexuality by councils.
(MP): We care on this side, first and foremost, about children.
We care about the perpetuation
of the heterosexual normal family
as the basis of civilised society here and in other countries.
(PARTY MEMBERS): Hear! Hear!
Well, David Koss is in our Westminster studio now.
David, exactly what happened?
You wouldn't wanna bump into them women in a dark alley.
They'd have your guts for garters, wouldn't they? Eh?
(SCOFFS)
I've been saying this is a good idea for years.
Young people have such vulnerable minds.
(TV CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Well done today, ladies. Time to get changed.
(GIRLS CHATTER)
Oh, gross, man!
So gross.
What about you, Lois? What's your type?
- Yeah, what's your type? - (GIRL): Yeah, howay, tell us.
Yeah, what's your type?
No, wait. You prefer them a bit more...
(LAUGHTER)
Fuck off.
Or is it the mannish ones that do it for ya?
Whatever.
Oh, come on, we've just been saying what we like.
Now it's your turn. Fair dos.
(JILL): Yeah, come on. Tell us, Lois.
What I don't get is how two girls actually...
Like, I know there's a lot of this.
(LAUGHTER)
How do you actually...?
No denying it, then?
(GIRLS LAUGH, OOH)
- Or maybe she's a virgin. - Probably.
- I'm not. - Liar.
(ALL JEER)
Do you think I'm sexy?
Don't touch me, you fuckin' dyke!
Ow! Get off!
(SHOUTING)
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Get off!
- Ow! - (GROWLS)
- Get off! - (YELLS)
Get off her now!
My office, now.
You can stay here and explain to me what just happened, all right?
- Whatever. - Go! Now.
Show's over, ladies. Come here.
(INHALES SHARPLY) Ow.
You've got a chance to really succeed on this team.
Do you even care what happened?
Just ignore them. Is that what you did?
No. We're not talking about me.
You need to be careful.
That's all I'm saying.
If it comes to it, your word against hers...
you know who they'll believe, don't you?
So it doesn't even matter what happened?
Look, I could get you thrown out permanently
for that kind of behaviour.
I know it seems unfair.
But I'm trying to help you.
If you want this, fight for it, not against it.
Hey...
Hey, don't!
(DOOR OPENS)
Oh, no, what happened?
Er, it was just a graze.
- You all right, pet? - I'm fine.
Poor love.
Yeah, she's OK.
All sorts of rumours flying around about that one.
Not sure she helps herself, though.
Everything OK with you?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, fine.
Long day. (CHUCKLES)
Take it you don't wanna come for a pint, then?
(CHUCKLES) One day.
One day, I will crack you, Jean Newman.
And when I do,
Fergus Shelton will be a very happy man.
- (CHUCKLES) - Yeah.
(WOMAN ON TV): My overriding concern is the promotion of positive images
of homosexuality in schools and primary schools right through,
and that is what is causing many parents
real concern and offence.
(MAN): I obviously don't want children taught
that the gay and lesbian lifestyle is natural or normal.
It is not, it never has been, and it never will be.
(THATCHER): Children who need to be taught
to respect traditional moral values
are being taught that they have an inalienable right to be gay.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
(CUTLERY CLATTERS ON PLATE)
Here y'are, Jeanie.
Can I have some?
You won't like that, sweetheart.
But I want it.
Eat what you're given, OK, Sammy?
But why?
Well, Auntie Jean is allergic to chicken.
But we're not.
Sammy.
(PLATE CLATTERS)
That is enough, Sam!
We do not behave like that in this house!
(DOOR SLAMS)
(MUFFLED): What on earth do you think you're playing at?!
You've just wasted perfectly good food...
Sorry about this.
(MUFFLED): I don't think so...
It's OK.
(TIM CONTINUES TO SHOUT INDISTINCTLY)
"At last, the Caterpillar took the hookah out of its mouth
"and addressed her in a languid, sleepy voice."
(INHALES)
"'Who are you?' said the Caterpillar."
"This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation.
"Alice replied rather shyly,
"'I hardly know, sir, just at present.'"
"'At least, I know who I was when I got up this morning,
"'but I think I must have been changed several times since then...'"
Come on, Sammy. Let's go and play outside.
But I don't want to. Well, you've been inside all day.
I'm gonna count to three.
One, two...
(WHISPERS): We'll finish it another time, OK?
Can I show you something quickly while they're out there?
I bought something for Tim for our anniversary,
but I need a second opinion.
Thought I'd asked you to get rid of this.
Ah, I love that one. You look so happy.
Yeah, I know, I know.
Please.
I don't have any recent ones.
- And I miss your hair like that. - You sound like Mam.
How would you know? You never go and see her.
I don't like seeing it there.
- What? - I dunno, it's just...
Well, it's not as if everything that came before is, you know, a lie.
What are you talking about?
I don't think it's right you wanna erase part of your life.
And you expect us to.
I thought I just asked you to replace one photograph.
- You know what I mean. - Well, I don't, actually.
You're trying to erase your marriage.
Am I, now?
Don't be a child.
Why didn't you tell me you weren't alone the other night?
What?
Sammy told me you had a woman there.
Look, what you do in your own home is your own business.
You know I'm supportive of... it.
But Sammy's only five.
It's confusing for him.
He wet the bed. He never wets the bed.
His grandmother had just been rushed to hospital.
I just don't think it's fair for you to put me in that position.
She actually left right after you dropped him off.
OK, but...
Do you see? It's hard for me, well...
to trust you.
So...
Come on, who is she, then?
(TIM ROARS PLAYFULLY)
(TIM AND SASHA LAUGH)
Got ya!
(ROARING)
- Bye, Auntie Jean! - Bye!
- Bye!
(CAR HORN BLARES)
(PANTING)
(POP MUSIC PLAYS) (GENERAL CHATTER)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) (LAUGHTER)
- Hey. - Hiya.
What's wrong? You look stressed.
- Thanks. - (CHUCKLES)
Here.
What's going on?
Nothing. Just, erm...
- shattered, you know? - Oh.
Well, maybe we should go away.
Cos the girls and I were actually talking about taking a trip...
(VOICES BECOME INDISTINCT)
That a no, is it?
Er, no. Er... no.
Hey, lady.
Hiya. Thanks.
Wow, you seem... tense.
(LAUGHS) That's what I said.
(DEBBIE): Leave her alone, you lot.
- Hey! - 'Ey, the kid's good.
Wanna play?
Jean here's unbeaten.
You can be on my team.
Come on, it'll be fun.
No, I don't... I don't really...
(ALL GROAN)
- Can't take the heat. - Come on, Jeanie.
(ALL CHEER)
- Jeanie! - Oi!
(MUSIC: "Nomalizo" by Letta Mbulu)
Yeah!
(CHEERING) (LAUGHTER)
Ah, no! It's all over.
(LAUGHTER)
Ooh.
You can take it.
No way. Finish her off.
(BALLS CLACK) (ALL CHEER)
- Ohhh! - She did it! She fuckin' did it!
(LAUGHS)
Got your loser speech?
(LAUGHTER)
(ACE SINGS VICTORIOUSLY) (VIV LAUGHS)
Hey!
What are you doing?
You need to leave.
Why?
You know why.
Do whatever you want.
Wherever you want.
But not here, OK?
Why do you care so much?
You're 15. You shouldn't even be in here.
So what? Haven't told anyone, have I?
(WOMAN): Hey! Hurry up!
Go. Otherwise, you're off the team.
What?!
Oh...
Viv!
Wait.
Viv.
Please!
Just tell us what you were doing in there so I know.
She's one of my students, she's on the team.
What?
- Are... are you... - No. Course not.
Then why didn't you say something?
I don't know.
- You're lying. - I'm not. Look...
It's complicated, OK?
- I was asking her to leave. - In the toilet?
Why? Why were you asking her to leave?
I don't want my students knowing every part of my life.
-"Every part" of your life? What... - Yeah.
I don't know what you want me to say.
You have to create boundaries as a teacher.
It is part of the job.
If anyone found out, I'd never work again.
It's quite a stretch.
- Don't you think? - No. It isn't.
- And what about her? - Who?
That girl. Come on, how old is she, what, 16?
15.
What kind of example are you setting for her?
That's not fair.
None of this is fair.
Just cos I don't parade my sexuality around like a badge of honour.
And I do?
Is that it?
How is that girl ever gonna learn she has a place in this world
if you, of all people, tells her that she doesn't?
What makes you think she has a place in this world?
- No. I can't do this. - Oh, Viv...
GET OFF!
(MUSIC: "Blue Monday" by New Order)
♪ I see a ship in the harbour
♪ I can and shall obey
♪ But if it wasn't For your misfortune
♪ I'd be a heavenly person today
♪ And I thought I was mistaken
♪ And I thought I heard you speak
♪ Tell me how do I feel?
♪ Tell me now how should I feel?
(RETCHING, SPLUTTERING)
(MUSIC CONTINUES ON CAR STEREO)
(RECORDING): I would just like you to imagine as you lie there
that the body is powering down, ready to sleep for the night.
Allow thoughts to come and...
(RECORDING SPUTTERS AND WARBLES)
(RECORDING SPUTTERS)
(SIGHS)
(ALARM BLEEPS)
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
(HAUNTING PIANO MUSIC PLAYS)
(BACKGROUND NOISE, DISTANT AND INDISTINCT)
(GIRLS SQUEAL AND LAUGH)
(MUSIC AND BACKGROUND NOISE INTENSIFY)
(GASPING)
Got a sec?
Found something on your desk when I got in this morning.
Obviously, with everything that's going on,
I didn't want anyone else to see it. But I thought you should know.
Any idea who might have put it there?
Erm...
Er, yeah, I've got some ideas.
Don't look so worried.
I've had far worse in my time.
(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)
(GENERAL CHATTER)
I need to talk to you for a second.
- Let me guess. I'm off the team? - No.
Look, I need this to stop.
- What? - All of it.
This isn't a game, Lois. It's my job. It's my life.
What is it you think I've done?
- You know exactly. - Are you married or something?
You think you're so brave, don't you?
You don't know anything about me.
Fuck!
Good of you to join us, Lois. Perhaps you'd like to tell us
how many elements make up the periodic table?
- No? - What did she want?
Anyone?
She's got a massive crush on me and she won't drop it.
(LAUGHTER)
Something you'd like to share with the class, Lois?
No, Miss.
Right. Textbooks open to page 93, please.
Today.
(TEACHERS CHAT INDISTINCTLY)
(WOMAN 1): You don't actually think it was hers, do you?
I thought she was married.
Divorced, apparently.
I didn't realise.
Who broke it off, do you know?
She doesn't really talk about it, to be honest.
She's a secretive one, that one.
(DOOR SHUTS, REVERBERATES)
(DOOR OPENS)
(GIRLS CHATTER)
Thought I might sit in on practice today.
- If you don't mind. - Yeah. Course.
Er, can we start with shuttle...
...warm-up, please?
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
OK, well done. You can get your bibs.
(GIRLS CHATTER)
Miss? She took my bib.
You can sub in for each other at half-time.
- But it's my position. - It's just practice, Siobhan.
- Give it back. - Piss off.
Give it back! Give it back!
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
(PAULA): Enough! Both of you! On the bench, now!
- But... - But she started it!
You answer back to me and you're off the team, OK?
Me? What about her?
Both of you, on the bench, now!
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
(GIRL): Here!
What are you doing?
It's OK.
(SCREAMS) Get off me!
(GIRL 1): Siobhan! Siobhan!
- Are you OK? - (GIRL 2): Give her some space.
Get her out. Come here.
Sit down.
What's going on?
(SIOBHAN SOBS)
Can someone tell me what's going on, please?
(SIOBHAN): She attacked me.
What do you mean she attacked you?
She shouldn't be allowed in here.
Get her out! Get out!
(GIRLS SHOUT "GET OUT")
Get out, Lois!
(PAULA): I'm gonna need you to supervise this lot
so I can get her out of here.
Come on, darling.
(GIRLS CLAMOUR)
(GIRL): She said that she attacked her. She needs to get kicked out!
(VOICES BECOME DISTANT)
(PAULA) (DISTANT): She's saying this isn't the first time.
That there was a fight a few weeks ago
that you didn't report.
She's even gone as far as to say
there might be something going on between you two.
You and Lois, that is.
Jean, can you please tell me what's going on,
or am I gonna have to take her word for it?
Lois is, erm...
She's become a little over-attached, you could say.
If that's the case, why didn't you report it to me?
I didn't think it was anything to worry about.
You know what they're like.
I've had worse.
And the changing room?
I saw something but, erm...
What? What did you see?
I saw them together.
Siobhan pushing Lois off.
Now, Miss Murphy,
it's very important that we ascertain exactly what went on
between you and Miss Jackson earlier today.
We take these kinds of accusations extremely seriously.
The perpetrators of sexual assault have no place in this school.
Now, I don't want to keep you long.
I just need you to repeat what you told the PE staff
earlier this afternoon.
(SIOBHAN): I don't remember.
(PAULA): Look, I know it isn't easy for you.
So let me try and help, OK?
Earlier, today, if you remember, you were very upset.
I was in the hall when I heard you scream.
I then ran into the changing room,
where I found you in the corner very distressed.
I took you to my office,
where you told me that Lois had assaulted you.
Is that right?
No, it's not. Tell them!
Lois!
I'll need you to calm down.
Just nod if that's what happened, my love.
(SNIFFLES)
You just have to nod, my love.
Well done.
(BALDOCK): I see.
You were there, Miss Newman? You saw what happened?
Yeah, I did, yeah.
Right.
- What is wrong with you? - Er, that's enough, Lois.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to call your father.
- Don't bother. - Er, sit back down, please.
Do you know, you haven't even asked me what happened.
You've asked all of them but not me.
If you've got something to say...
You're the worst of the lot.
And you know it.
(DOOR OPENS, SLAMS)
(BALDOCK): Let her go.
(DISTANT, MUFFLED CHATTER)
(MUFFLED, DISTANT): One, two... (CHUCKLES) Lovely.
I lose track.
Actually, no, I lie.
He'd just turned two there. It was election night.
Me and Bill were glued to the TV.
Didn't notice him puking all over himself.
(LAUGHTER)
You never wanted kids?
Ah, you'd be a great mum.
I see you with the younger ones.
They're lucky to have you.
Looks more like a Mr Whippy than a pint of Guinness.
(LAUGHTER)
(CONVERSATION BECOMES INDISTINCT)
(LINE RINGS)
(LINE CONTINUES RINGING)
(GIRLS CHANT)
(ALL): Watch us as we steal the show!
T-Y-N-E-S-I-D-E, Tyneside!
(ALL CHEER)
(WOMAN ON RADIO): Here at home, there's been another demonstration
against Clause 28 of the Local Government Bill,
the clause which seeks to stop councils
from promoting homosexuality.
Well over 15,000 people marched through Manchester,
clogging the streets before staging a rally
in the city centre.
(MAN): As ordinary men and women,
we demand the same rights,
no more, no less.
(MICROWAVE DINGS)
The same rights as other ordinary, civilised, human beings...
(MUSIC: "Let the Music (Use You)" by the Nightwriters)
Go away.
- I need to talk to you. - I'm late for work.
I can give you a lift.
I'm fine walking.
- Lois... - Why can't you just leave me alone?
Do you actually think I attacked Siobhan?
No.
Then why?
I know you want more from me, but it's not...
I can't be that person for you.
I never asked you to be anything.
Not about what you ask, though, is it?
(TAP RUNS)
(MAN ON TV): I don't like women to use bad language.
Very much against that, like.
If you stub your toe or drop a teacup or something...
...what do you say?
(LAUGHTER)
(BELL JINGLES)
- (WHISPERS): Hi. - Hiya.
Erm... thanks for coming.
Of course.
Want something to drink?
Erm, yeah. Yeah, in a sec, thank you. Erm...
Look...
(SIGHS) I'm really sorry.
- It's OK. - No.
No, it's not.
I should've told you,
and I should've done everything differently.
Erm...
Sick in the head, remember?
(CHUCKLES)
She reminded me a bit of you, you know?
First time we met.
- Who, Lois? - That girl, yeah.
No, she's nothing like me.
Debs thought so, too, you know, like...
like, erm... a deer in the headlights.
I'm not a deer in the headlights, am I?
Sometimes.
You know... skittish.
Skittish?
Is it?
Anyway...
Do you want something to eat?
I ate before. OK, yeah, I might.
I'm sorry I didn't return your calls.
- It's fine. - No, it isn't.
Look, I've...
been here before with Donna, and...
Donna cheated on you with her husband.
Yeah.
Yeah, but, erm...
...in the end, it's the same.
Because she wasn't ready.
And...
(SIGHS)
I...I can't do that again.
- I'm gonna quit my job. - What?
- Why? - Because...
You... you... (SNIFFLES)
I don't think you should quit your job,
because you love your job and you're good at your job.
I did something terrible.
That girl, Lois from the club...
...I dobbed her in to get her off my case.
She's been suspended and I doubt she's coming back after this.
I... (SIGHS)
I don't think you should be so hard on yourself.
I wanna be with you, Viv.
- We could go away somewhere. - No...
Look, if we forget everything that's happened...
then there will be something else.
No.
No, there won't.
But... anyway, I don't want to go away,
because I like it here.
Like, I'm happy. Here.
This isn't what I wanted, but I can't keep doing this.
- You don't have to do this. - (SOBBING): I'm sorry, but I can't.
- Please, Viv... - I'm sorry. I can't.
(SOBBING): Come on, please. Viv, please!
(BELL JINGLES)
(DOOR SHUTS)
(MAN): Excuse me. You cannot smoke in here, pet.
Well, what is this here for, then?
(CHILDREN SHOUT AND LAUGH)
(CHILDREN): Punch!
Police stations don't offer crèches for their employees.
Why should hospitals?
It's a ridiculous idea.
No, what the nursing profession needs is more men.
If nursing were perceived as a male and female occupation,
the same as, say, teaching, or the civil service,
there'd be a stronger gut feeling amongst the powers that be
to raise nurses' salaries.
- I hadn't thought about it like that. - In the meantime,
what happens when our children get sick?
And they're picketing outside the hospitals
instead of doing their damn jobs.
Well, quite.
What's your take on all this, Jean?
- Well, erm... - You must have an opinion.
No, come on. That's enough.
Tim, why don't you go refresh the punchbowl?
(CHUCKLES)
God, half-term really drags, doesn't it?
Feel like I'll need a holiday to recover.
Tell me about it. (CHUCKLES)
Right, who wants to go play some party games?
(CHILDREN CHEER EXCITEDLY)
Sammy, you coming?
We're gonna play party games.
Go, go, go.
Let's go, guys.
(MAN): (QUIETLY) It's been a nightmare.
And it just drags on and on and on,
and you know, each time the lawyers are involved,
you're paying out, for them and the kids.
(JEAN COUGHS)
(TIM): Are they staying with their mum?
Mostly, yeah, yeah. I mean, like... yeah.
I'm lucky if I see them once a week. And you know, it's...
I was, er, just telling Tim about my divorce proceedings.
They're bleeding me dry, I tell you. You...
You women don't realise how good you have it. (CHUCKLES)
It's just a joke.
Bad joke.
No offence meant.
None taken.
Jean went through all this a few years back.
Oh, right. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Well, you're still in one piece, so that bodes well.
Yeah, I quite enjoyed it, actually.
(CHUCKLES)
Er, so, what do you do, Jean?
- I'm a teacher. - Fantastic.
- What do you teach? - PE.
Right. That must be, er...
Er, which school?
Tyneside.
Oh. That's a commute and a half, isn't it?
You didn't fancy, er...
- What's Sammy's school called? - St Christopher's.
Yeah, St Christopher's.
Jean actually used to teach at St Christopher's.
- Oh? - I did for a while, yeah.
What made you...?
I got a bit sick of running into the kids in the local shop.
(CHUCKLES) Fair enough.
You know, I'd never thought of that. It must be a right pain.
Although, parent-teacher evenings...
probably quite a good hunting ground for the recently divorced.
- Am I right, eh? (LAUGHS) - (LAUGHS)
Sorry.
It's OK.
You got a man on the scene at the moment, then, have you, Jean?
No. I haven't, no.
Ah, well. Well, I'm sure...
I'm a lesbian.
Right.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
I've actually got to head off.
Erm... (CHUCKLES)
Can you give this to Sammy?
Thanks for the party. I love the...
Nice to meet you, Carl.
Er, Craig.
(DOOR SHUTS)
(LAUGHING)
(ENGINE STARTS)
What are you doing?
- Can you get in the car? - What?
I wanna show you something, that's all,
- and I'll drop you home after. - I'm grounded.
Don't tell me you've been sticking to that.
I don't even have to talk to you, OK?
- Can you just get in? - OK.
(ENGINE STARTS)
Where are we?
(SIGHS)
Look...
...I'm damaged. OK?
And in a way, you're not. Well, at least, you don't have to be.
If I don't have to be, then why do you?
I don't know.
- Maybe it's too late. - It's not right.
- Pretending. - Look, I don't expect you to understand.
You're right. I don't.
Look, people failed me.
And now I failed you.
(SNIFFLES)
I'm not trying to get myself off the hook or anything like that.
But I see you carrying this...
...this thing.
And you don't have to.
You're the one with the problem.
- Not me. - Yeah, I know.
- I don't know why you think that... - Yeah, I know.
Yeah, I know. I know what I did was wrong.
You know...
it was Siobhan that kissed me.
Not that it matters now.
Shall we go?
(THUMPING POP MUSIC PLAYS) (LIVELY CHATTER)
- Hey, you came! - Hiya.
- And who's this one? - I'm Lois.
Hiya, Lois. Welcome.
You a friend of Jean's then?
(GLASS CLINKS)
Speech!
I just wanted to say that as some of you already know,
money's been a little scarce this year,
but thanks to the heroic efforts of the Bog Fund...
(ALL CHEER)
...we were able to throw a little something together.
So, Debs...
my love...
...these are for you. From all of us.
Well, technically not from us, but they are for you.
Love you, babes. Happy birthday!
- To the Bog Fund! - (ALL): The Bog Fund!
(CHEERING)
Now let's get fucked up!
(CHEERING)
Hi, lady.
- We missed you. - (ABI): You all right?
What's the Bog Fund?
Right, so, say you get kicked out by your parents,
or you can't pay your rent or summat,
or you need a new pair of shoes,
then you can ask for money from the Bog Fund.
Wait, so, anyone can ask for money?
Yeah, well, any poor lesbians from the North East. (CHUCKLES)
Babes, you don't have a drink. Let's get you a drink.
I'll keep an eye on her.
- Where's the money come from? - People like her.
Lesbians with proper jobs.
Teachers, lawyers, whatever.
They can put money in to, you know, help out those who are more hard up.
How old are you, anyway? You old enough for a drink?
Yeah, all right. (CHUCKLES) Come on, then.
♪ Maggie, Maggie, Maggie Out, out, out!
(RAUCOUS PUNK MUSIC PLAYS)
♪ Maggie, Maggie, Maggie Out, out, out!
♪ Oh, Maggie, Maggie, Maggie Out, out, out!
♪ Maggie, Maggie, Maggie Maggie, Maggie, Maggie
♪ Maggie, Maggie, Maggie Out, out, out! ♪
♪ I don't need anybody else
(DEBBIE LAUGHS)
(MUSIC: "First True Love Affair" by Jimmy Ross)
♪ I'll never let you go
♪ Because I love you so
♪ I don't want anybody else... ♪
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
(DEBBIE LAUGHS)
How did we look?
Erm...
(ACE): Oi! We were stunning.
Ignore her, babe.
I think she's all bitter and heartbroken.
(MUSIC: "Melodies of Love" by Pink Rhythm)
♪ This song is on my mind
♪ All I wanna hear
♪ Hold tight You know that I love you...
Er, what are you doing out here?
(WHISPERS): Hi.
(WHISPERS): Hiya.
♪ And ever since The love I'm feeling
♪ Is burning bright
♪ I feel so good There's only one thing on my mind...
I'll be back in, in a sec.
OK.
♪ This song is on my mind
♪ All I wanna hear
♪ The melodies of love
♪ Singing from your heart
♪ This song is on my mind
♪ All I wanna hear
♪ Hold tight
♪ Baby I love you
♪ The melodies of love
♪ Singing from your heart
♪ This song is on my mind ♪
(PUPIL SHOUTS) (BANG ON CAR)
(DOOR SHUTS)