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NETFLIX PRESENTS
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I never understood why fairy tales exist.
Are they supposed to teach us something or are they just told for fun?
My grandma always said, life is just like a fairy tale.
Yeah. Just as grim.
And she was right. At least, as far as my life is concerned.
In the end, all that matters is: are you Little Red Riding Hood or the wolf?
5 YEARS LATER
This is my turf.
High school kids won't get the better of me.
Stop. Don't.
Kids, you really suck the fun out of things.
You come here with a dumb gar--
Oh!
-Is he dead? -No idea.
Should we put him in recovery position?
Brains. On wall.
I could call the cops.
Again. Brains, on the wall.
It was suicide. Let's go.
He didn't do it on purpose.
We're the only ones who know that.
Buba was a small-time crook.
He lived alone on a remote ranch.
If I was him, I'd have shot myself too.
I've never seen him with anyone.
No friends, family, whatever.
I don't think he had anyone.
Right. Everyone will just think that he ended his sorry life.
I mean, does he seem happy?
Okay, might not be the best time to make that call.
Little fuckers.
Of course I'm happy.
CHAPTER ONE A PRETTY UNHAPPY CHILDHOOD
I was a totally normal kid.
Jakob Otto.
The only way I was like a fairy-tale character
is that my parents were rarely home, so I was raised by Grandma Ingrid.
Oh… it goes snip and snap. The scissors cut the thumbs right off.
Grandma Ingrid was a witch just like the one in the gingerbread house.
Except she was a crap baker.
My brother Dante was my only ally.
At Grandma's, we only ever had the original German fairy tales.
None of the soppy Disney stuff.
Her favourite punishment involved someone being set alight.
Or someone having something cut off.
And not just in fairy tales.
If it tastes too good, you'll get stomach cramps.
She was sure you always had to pay for anything good that happened.
A good German upbringing.
Which one of you did this?
But you don't get punished for the beautiful things in life.
Apart from with your body maybe.
-Jakob! -Jakob, come here, right now.
BREAKDANCE COMPETITION
That day changed my life forever.
I won. Yeah.
And not against just anyone.
This blond kid was visiting his grandma. He was from America.
The place where breakdance was invented.
On that day, I was better than this guy.
Better than Leonardo DiCaprio.
It really happened. You can Google it.
So Leo, who's the King of the World now?
It was the happiest moment of my life.
And no sign of stomach cramps. All I felt were butterflies.
Big, fat things.
There's been a car accident.
Your father is dead.
Your mother is dead.
And Dante's in a coma.
What have you done?
I hope the fun was worth it.
Grandma was right.
It was obvious.
If things are going well for me, bad stuff happens.
So I had to make sure I was in a bad way.
Whatever it took.
And when I'm in a bad way,
good things happen.
-Dante. -Yo, greetings.
Let me just explain.
Dante barely survived. And since his coma, he had Foreign Accent Syndrome.
A rare neurological condition that can follow traumatic brain injury.
In Norway, there's a woman who's spoken with a German accent since a brain injury.
Except she doesn't speak German.
Speaking Austrian is bad enough,
but Dante also had…
…Myalgic encephalomyelitis,
hypothyroidism, progressive muscular dystrophy,
and a very mild case of PTSD.
So Dante could have some joy in life,
I promised to make sure things always went badly for me.
And just to make sure things always went badly for me, I wrote it all down.
Everything bad and unpleasant.
My negative account.
A savings ledger for crap.
Disneyland, we have to go there one day, eh, Jakob?
I gave up on all my dreams.
My life became one big search for unpleasant experiences.
Sooner or later, Grandma Ingrid would leave us, that was obvious.
Yeah. And then Dante was the only family I had left.
And sometimes you'll take a hit for family.
Crap!
Watch where you're going, my friend.
It's all good.
-Hold on. -What do you want?
20mph zone. You were driving too fast.
No way. And if I was, then at most--
I'm calling the police. You'll lose your license.
Shame about your business.
Even if he was driving a little fast, I'm fine.
For now. You're all pumped up with adrenaline.
That'll wear off in half an hour. Then what?
Bam. Paralyzed.
-No, no way. -No way.
We'll let the authorities decide that.
-Hope you like cycling. -Just hold on, please.
Maybe we could come to an arrangement.
Maybe he's right and we give the cops a quick call.
No, it's okay.
At least call the emergency doctor.
I should see a doctor.
Up to that point in life, I was happy.
I mean, not Hansel happy,
but definitely happier than Rumpelstiltskin.
He didn't even have a brother.
I think.
Hello, yes?
It's like I always tell you, Jakob.
Invest in yourself, work for yourself and--
Pay yourself.
-All right. -My balls.
I did promise things would get unpleasant for you today.
And the best is yet to come.
I thought it was him.
Well, yeah, but we need a mare to get him going.
Allow me to introduce…
Princess Ute.
Okay, I think I've got him. So how do I do this?
Well, same as you usually would.
See, Black Caviar's mom died really young.
No wonder he's such a winner.
It's often the way with successful types.
Like us or Walt Disney, say.
Walt's mom died of gas poisoning.
In a house he gave her.
-Really? -Yeah.
He went on to practically build a whole career on dead moms.
Bambi: dead mom.
Beauty and the Beast: dead mom.
Pinocchio: no mom around. Ariel…
Pinocchio's a puppet, they don't have moms.
Finding Nemo: dead mom.
The Fox and the Hound: dead mom.
Cinderella: dead mom.
Hunchback of Notre Dame. Mom. Dead.
Snow White: dead mom.
Same for Lion King. No!
It was a whole different story for Simba.
Simba's mom actually--
Hey, I think we're nearly there.
He's fast, our Black Caviar. Right, Ute?
My contact will pay us $7,000.
Per shot.
At that price, I'd make a million dollars a month.
That's gross.
SKIMMED AND SKIMMED OFF. ALL ABOUT THE SPERM ROBBERY OF LAUTERSHEIM.
Last night in Lautersheim, a horse was interfered with--
The horse isn't complaining, but the breeder--
THIEF SINGLE-HANDEDLY REMOVES ATM MACHINE
Well, guess that doesn't make me too crafty.
Following a break-in, a collector is left--
EGG THIEF! VALUABLE COLLECTION GONE
LUGGAGE TROLLEY STOLEN IN BROAD DAYLIGHT
SICK FOR A LIVING
NO EASY HAUL
40 RATS KILLED WITH BARE HANDS
BOLD THEFT OF HENS
ANIMAL THIEF WITH A WHEELBARROW
Who would want to steal a donkey?
Call us if you hear a suspicious sound of a donkey braying.
So, be careful out there.
More and more birds take antidepressants.
What do you mean, they "take them"?
Well, not by choice.
But because more people take pills, it's in the drinking water.
First it gets into worms, and then it gets into birds.
So how are the birds doing?
It says they snack more.
Yeah, they feel good. I'd snack the whole day too.
The asshole lives here. This is him.
This is the asshole.
They work together.
Jakob, I think the gentlemen would like their money back.
What's with all the Happy Hippos?
They're not all called Happy Hippo. Happy Hippo is the hippopotamus.
But this one, say, is Bingo Bird.
Pretty cute.
-Tennis racket and stuff. -Like, totally.
You could get 6,000 euros for the dark blue vain Smurf with the silver mirror.
And you've got one, or what?
Maybe I do.
I'd have to check.
He's actually mine.
The Smurf.
Good. So we're all done then?
You have an appointment with the Boss.
Dante and I had already done quite a few shady things.
But until then we'd only ever heard about organised crime families on the radio.
They were real criminals.
They worked full-time.
With one hand always on a knife.
And at the helm, they had a powerful boss.
Doro.
Asshole.
Classic power play.
Who eats cake at this time of day?
That's the whole point.
If the Boss wants cake, the Boss gets cake.
Whatever time it is.
How old do you think she is? 80?
Do you think she's already named her successor?
Okay, listen up.
Doro's made a decision. You have to quit pulling your shit around here.
This is our turf now.
And when you say turf, what exactly are we talking about?
What don't you understand? Our turf!
100 kilometres?
Got it. Sounds fair.
So in future, no more fake road accidents, Jakob, okay?
It's not just about the accidents.
I think we're nearly there.
That guy has no hair on the back of his head. It's not me.
No way. Could be anyone.
He's fast, our Black Caviar. Right, Ute?
My grandpa Zef…
was crazy about soccer.
In 1963, Albania played in the European Cup for the first time.
So my grandpa went straight to the stadium.
Albania only scored one goal in that game.
Panajot Pano in the third minute.
Do you know where Zef was when the goal was scored?
On the can.
He had the runs.
Zef was crazy pissed. Of course.
After the game, Zef went back to the restaurant he'd been at earlier.
He took this knife and stabbed the chef right in the left eye.
Just like that.
See that dent?
That's where the tip of the knife hit the chef's skull.
From the inside.
-Oh. -Mm.
You wouldn't want Grandpa Zef's knife to get another dent, would you?
Do you want the big one, or the silver one with wheels?
I'll take the one with the strap that cuts really nicely into the hand.
Let's just calmly reconsider whether we really have to move.
All our valuables are here.
Of course we have to leave. You know exactly what would happen--
Except you don't. We have to make sure I'm in a bad way, so you're fine.
Sometimes I wish I had a few chronic conditions like you.
I'd be off the hook.
Sure, and why do I have them?
Asshole.
Come on, I'll do it.
Hey.
How about we offer to work with the Albanians. Hmm?
You want to work for the mafia?
No, not for the mafia. With the mafia. As a team.
-They're criminals. -So are we.
But they're in a whole different league.
But they're in a whole other league.
Maybe it's time for the Ottos to think bigger.
You know I can't get away with that.
You still have it?
We always wanted to go there.
We'll never get anywhere with all this small-time stuff.
I heard Disney has a Mount Everest roller coaster now.
With a 20-foot yeti called Harold.
And the Albanians are into different kinds of stuff.
Real mafia stuff.
Dark, bone-hard Albanian shit.
We do that for a few months,
and your negative account will be so full you can do whatever you like.
And then we'll go to California and shake Harold's hand in person.
I don't think you're allowed to touch him.
And I don't want to work for the mafia.
Just think it over.
Sometimes you have to see a crisis as an opportunity.
Small pain, small reward.
-Big pain… -Big rewards.
Our hero sheriff fights powerlessly against the army of First Nation warriors.
Dude, you're meant to jump.
The battle is lost.
Come on, jump.
Come! Down here, dude.
What's he doing?
Not there.
Are you nuts?
I'm good.
-Do you want to die? -I'm still alive.
Dad, this is so boring.
For the performers. Thanks.
Whoa, that stuffs crazy greasy. Thanks. Please.
No thanks.
Asshole.
Please. For the performers.
I don't think this is working.
They make everything safe. They even have extra soft sand.
And that applause felt good too.
No point telling me. This was your idea.
Earlier, when I was burning, because it was so hot, I thought…
how about we move to Dubai?
Imagine, you in a Lamborghini with air conditioning.
And me outside, on a camel.
You by the pool, me in the desert.
Mega pleasant and mega unpleasant. Side by side.
That'd be perfect for us.
So where do I get the car and the pool?
You know, in Dubai,
they chop your hand off for stealing a half-dried date from the market.
Bullshit.
I wouldn't want to find out what they do to guys who steal horse sperm.
We're crooks, Jakob.
You want anything?
No, it's just too risky.
I'm really worried something bad is going to happen again.
Well, if we were with the Albanians, you wouldn't have to worry about it.
Anyway, what was that?
A raisin.
I think.
Come on.
Enjoy.
Management is going to take a crap.
Excuse me, can you help? I'm looking for my mommy.
No, ask someone else.
I thought you were the sheriff.
No, deputy sheriff.
So what is it then?
No. I really can't.
If I take you to your mom, I'll feel good. And I really can't afford to feel good.
No.
What do you have against feeling good?
When I feel really good, something really bad happens soon after.
Sounds dumb.
That's just how it is.
But then you can never play with friends, or eat ice cream or go dancing or--
Could you just shut it and help me look.
Or have a birthday party, or go traveling or fart in the bathtub.
He doesn't like to feel good.
Well, then your dad's come to the right place.
He's not my dad.
Okay, do you need help or something?
Where have you been?
Come with me.
Oh, man.
I'd slit someone's throat for a decent coffee, but there's no such thing here.
People here are so weird.
You're weird.
Jule.
-Jonas, the break-dancer. -Yes, exactly.
Well, Jakob, but yes.
Breakdance mean something to you?
I actually won the breakdance contest here.
-Against Leonardo DeCapri-- -DiCaprio.
Hollywood actor.
Yeah, I know the story. Well, the interesting bit.
Yeah, so, what have you been doing over the last few years?
Yeah, Mom, what have you been doing the last few years?
Uh, I haven't been here that long.
I opened a tattoo parlour in Lautersheim.
Swing by and I'll draw you something nice.
At least, nicer than that mess.
The mess really suits him.
-Your daughter's funny. -Yeah, kind of.
Jakob!
Yeah, so… Oh.
-I have to… go. I… -Jakob!
I have to go… yeah. Because… I have to go. Bye.
-Jonas. -Jakob.
Weird.
Who was that?
Tourists. They wanted a selfie with the sheriff.
Deputy sheriff.
No way did I want to jeopardise Dante's life.
But Jule drew me to her like a freshly baked gingerbread house.
You're welcome to come in.
Bless you.
I just happened to be walking by
and wanted to see if this was a store. Your store.
Right. And it is.
So? Do you want to?
-What? -Come in.
A kind of matching tattoo.
Poor woman.
No, not a woman. A man. My brother. It was his idea.
Well, congratulations.
So, something new?
What do you have?
Well, uh…
Take a look in here.
-You choose. -Okay. Where do you want it?
Where does it really hurt?
Generally, where the skin's really thin. Elbows, between the fingers. The foot.
Foot. Foot is great.
Pain doesn't bother me.
But when I'm in pain, someone else feels better.
So I can't have too an easy time of it.
Pain is good.
Unpleasant enough?
-So, does it look good? -Sure, I think so.
But swastikas aren't to everyone's taste.
It's all good.
I've seen 7-foot Russians cry getting their feet done.
Do you think that's why most people get tattoos?
Because once it's over, you somehow feel like you earned it?
No.
I think for most people, it's because you can't take it back later.
One decision and for the rest of your life you have a naked chick on your ass.
Looks like an old man's dick. With teeth.
But nice.
-A nice old penis. -Yes.
Thought it suited you.
Naked mole-rats don't mind pain either.
They don't feel anything.
I see.
-You like it? -Yeah.
Where did you park?
I came on foot.
Do you have far to go?
No. Around six miles, that's all.
Take this.
It got cold out.
You earned a little warmth after all that lovely pain.
Thanks. You'll get it back.
Of course I'll get it back. I'm not giving you a jacket.
The problem with gingerbread
is that once you've tried it
you just can't stop.
You always want more.
But for that, I urgently had to fill up my crap savings account.
CHAPTER II MORE PAIN, MORE GAIN
The Ottos join the mafia.
This is the best decision of our lives.
Good for you too.
-Everything okay? -Course. Why?
Wild white horses on the beach
Check the glove box.
Like Arnie.
See, every boss has a boss.
Bet he's like the godfather.
The car they're driving probably costs more than that whole hotel.
Soon, we'll look like that too.
Like mafia bosses. And remember, first impressions are the most important.
Welcome to the world of organised crime.
Are you stupid?
Nothing for me, thanks.
You should be grateful that Jon didn't cut your fingers off.
Could I get a slice of cake too, please?
In Albania, a nod is no and a headshake is yes.
Doesn't that complicate everyday life?
-No? -It does.
Oh, right. Yeah.
-So you two want to join us? -Abso-fucking-lutely.
-Just you then. -And my brother.
-You sure? -Thought that's how it's done in Albania?
Yeah.
-Right then, welcome. -Welcome.
Welcome.
So, you start with protection money. It's easy.
You drive there once a week, tell them we sent you and collect the dough, got it?
Dear Doro,
my brother and I are really psyched to have this opportunity,
this chance to become part of your family.
Because the man, the head of the family, is always right.
"Even when he's wrong, he's right."
In this spirit…
To us!
These bunny hoppers are a real pain in the ass.
Want to invite someone from your new school?
The Wi-Fi's down again.
Didn't move to the country. Moved to the Middle Ages.
I could… cook for everyone?
What? I can cook.
"Everyone can cook." That's what Jamie Oliver says.
Right. So what will you cook? Popcorn?
Jakob came to the store.
-The Crazy Canyon Creep? -Exactly.
The Crazy Canyon Creep.
What did he want?
A tattoo. On his foot.
Guess he looks a lot less creepy now.
He's not that bad. A normal guy would be nice for a change.
He looks like someone who takes secret pictures at the pool.
Who keeps texting you?
-Max! -What?
-Who are the texts from? -Who do you think they're from?
Don't worry. He doesn't know where we are.
Hold on a second! Oh, shit.
Two years ago, Alex was with us in Ibiza.
-You know exactly why-- -Our happy new life. Good job, Mom.
So go find happiness with your creep.
Our eighth protection money gig this week.
And nothing bad has happened.
The beer at that Greek takeaway was way too warm.
Seriously, this isn't working.
I know it's not working. It will work out, though.
Can't wait to see what we get for free here.
I could do with another coffee.
I don't want to see your roof tiles in my street.
I told you there'd be trouble.
So don't be surprised when my friends slash your tires.
Mr Bechstein?
You got a second?
Say hi to your wife from me.
We meet again.
What's wrong now?
It's about your monthly service charge.
Protection money.
-What? -We're the new Albanians.
-Huh? -Well…
Doro sent us.
You can fuck right off. I have professional help now.
They made me a real offer. Not like Doro's bunch of amateurs.
Now take a hike, you pair of dimwits.
Is he mentally retarded as well?
Should we call Doro?
-Go get him. -And then what?
What do you think?
We can't tolerate that kind of disrespect.
We're somebodies now.
Think of California.
I told you to fuck off.
You got nowhere to go?
You could throw yourselves in front of another car.
-You going to let him get away with that? -Now piss off before I get nasty!
Get off my property.
You have a screw loose.
Get out of here.
Hey. Get off my property.
Is that all you've got?
-Let's do it for real. -Yeah, for real.
For real.
For real!
There!
Hmm? Yeah? Had enough yet?
Enough. If you hit me in the face.
Hit me in the face.
You're full of shit.
In the face.
Right.
How about we go collect our money now, Mr Bechstein, yeah?
See that? It turned into a really unpleasant week, after all?
Yeah, but it needs to happen a lot more often.
Or things won't work out with me and Ju-- Uh… and yeti Harold.
Tips for California.
No one will notice.
Our official cut won't even get us an Elsa's Frozen Yoghurt in Disneyland.
Hey…
Do you think the roofer actually has another gang?
Sheesh. Builders lie six times more often than anyone else.
He was just trying to get rid of us.
Let me help you, Doro.
Bull crap.
It was the Albanians.
I thought we were the Albanians.
No, the real Albanians. The ones who work for Jon, whose car you drove into.
They control all the coke deals in the area.
None of you are Albanian?
Doro was once married to an Albanian.
I used to go there on vacation as a kid.
What about Grandpa Zef's knife?
A letter opener.
My grandpa's called Heinz.
That's the point. Krauts hear the word Albanian, they crap themselves.
And are the real Albanians all real Albanians?
No, but they came up with the whole fake Albanian thing, so they own the "brand".
We give them a little cash every month so we can use it too.
Like with McDonald's.
Yeah, exactly.
Totally worth it for us.
Don't even need guns. The name is enough, like I said.
Krauts.
Krauts?
Great.
Yeah, I thought all Albanians were criminals too.
And Albania was a mystical, faraway place
where for thousands of years good spirits and evil demons have waged battle.
But I looked that up.
A beautiful Mediterranean country, right next to Italy.
But it's poor, so people are prejudiced.
But that can be used to make money.
Like Jon does. And Doro.
Anything unusual happen over the last few days?
While you were away?
-Nope. -No, everything went great, actually.
Quiet, even.
In fact.
So what do we do now?
Um… We need to hit back hard. Hard!
Right? I mean…
A little war is the best thing that could have happened to us.
We can show them what we're made of.
And we both come out on top.
You fill up your account, and in a war someone always climbs the ranks.
Damn back.
Give me a pink one.
Cheer up.
Feet?
Treat yourself after a day like today.
The reason we're doing this is our little secret.
Our golden life starts now.
Are you wearing socks?
Where's my jacket?
Oh. It's so warm out today…
I can run and get it.
-You here on foot again? -Yes.
No. Leave it.
Sit down.
Tell me. What are you into, then?
Well, uh…
Well, I really don't like squirrels.
I was attacked by one a few years back.
Or chamomile tea. Tastes like snot.
And I really hate sparkling water that's gone a bit flat.
-Take your pants off, please. -And I hate pistachio nuts.
When they don't open properly.
And you reach into the bowl, grab one and then…
And hedgehogs are really annoying.
Okay. Put differently…
How would you describe yourself?
Me? Myself? Totally normal, I mean…
Laid back.
Okay, so lie back, really laid back.
Excellent.
Laid back.
I really love it.
Thought you liked to hang loose. Can I take a picture?
-Of course. -No, I meant of your tackle.
I see.
Come.
They're Maxine's.
A little dark, I know, but I actually like it.
It's like out of a fairy tale. A real fairy tale, you know?
Little Red Riding Hood. Know it?
Yeah, I know it.
In the original, the wolf cooks grandma and serves her to Little Red Riding Hood.
Do you know what happens next?
Little Red Riding Hood finds out and outsmarts the wolf?
No, the wolf eats Little Red Riding Hood.
-And then? -Nothing. End of story.
If everything always turns out fine, we never learn anything.
Only Disney has happy endings.
Speaking of happy endings, I have after-work beer here.
You don't have to…
No, uh, actually, I'd really like that.
I GOT A PROMOTION!
I REALLY HAVE TO SEE YOU AGAIN!
So what does he do… I mean, Maxine's dad.
He was a lawyer.
-And what does he do now? -Nothing.
He's dead now.
Oh, I'm sorry.
So, you're alone then.
-But I have Maxine. -Yeah, and I have Dante.
You guys are close too, right?
Yeah. A drama queen, mostly.
Same with Dante. Mostly.
But it is good to have someone.
How long is it actually since…
the breakdance competition?
Thirty-six and a half years.
I think.
You know, that was the first day I made out with anyone.
Like, really made out.
Yeah, me too.
Really? Who did you make out with?
-Well, you. -We made out too?
"Too"?
All I remember is that I made out really heavily with DiCaprio.
He looked so sad. And hey, it was me.
I told him he'd be better off focusing on an acting career.
If he ever wins an Oscar--
He won't. He only ever comes second.
Yeah, and here we are, drinking beer. And where is he?
On a yacht with eight models?
See. Poor guy.
I'm glad you're here.
That you're back here. That you're here again. That you're back.
I'm glad too.
I think.
That was the second happiest moment of my life.
But you know when the clock strikes twelve in Cinderella?
I didn't want my fancy carriage to turn back into a rotten pumpkin.
So I urgently had to increase my negative balance.
We need to act with caution. Start with surveillance.
Where are you actually from, huh?
From here, actually.
Because actually, from your accent… I don't know.
It's a long story.
-So? -It's medical.
-I find organic stuff always tastes weird. -Yeah.
-A little fake. -Yeah.
-Probably because of the gluten. -Gluten.
Let's have some focus, kids!
I promised Doro results.
Are we sure that the Albanians sell drugs out of this van?
Yeah, for sure.
They have four of them.
Soon it'll be three.
-I was about to explain something, Jakob. -I've got it.
-Wait, I haven't even… -Are you nuts?
He just won't be told. Look!
Come on. This can't be happening.
-Crazy. Now what? -Crazy dude.
-Will you be my husband? -Yeah, totally!
I said we'd send a clear signal. And I reckon that's what we've done.
Jakob just went for it.
The guy was twice as big as him!
This big.
No, not twice as big. A little bigger, yeah?
Pain really doesn't bother you, right?
He's a real Buba!
-Buba! -Buba?
Hey, it's an Albanian fairy-tale character.
Buba starts out a harmless creature that's seduced by the demon Boller
and becomes a heartless monster.
It's a great metaphor. I'm just not sure what for.
Cool.
Hey, you have an Albanian name now. Like the rest of us.
My real name is Christian, and Enes's real name is Sandro.
Enes?
Yeah, he's my twin brother.
He didn't quite finish growing.
They're brothers. Just like us.
-May I? -Yeah, of course. Say "hello."
Hi there, Buba.
Family is great.
He's right. Our Buba.
So I need a new name too, people.
Maybe something out of a fairy tale too. A king, maybe. A warrior?
A wizard?
What about Erblin?
Erblin is totally cool.
Way cool.
Erblin means "scent of the linden tree."
It's really, really beautiful, right?
Yeah, really.
Or should we have another little think?
To Buba and Erblin!
Yes, to Buba and Erblin!
-Cheers! -Down the hatch!
Cheers!
You can't just creep up like that!
-Just wanted to return the jacket. -What happened?
What do you mean?
Oh, right. No, it's nothing. It's from the stunt show. Crazy Canyon.
Are you, like, the world's worst stuntman?
I wanted to ask if you minded doing another tattoo for me?
Sure, so we have a plan.
I'll give you a good price as you're becoming a regular.
So, I'll just swing by and we'll see one another. About the tattoo.
-Yes. -Cool.
We'll deal with the jacket next time then.
Dude, not okay.
I've been trying to reach you for two hours. Where have you been?
-I… What's with the car? -It's mine. Get in.
Mafia style. The kind of thing a future boss drives.
The real Albanians wanted revenge for what the fake Albanians had done.
And the fake Albanians wanted revenge for what the real Albanians had done.
And then the real Albanians… Yeah, it was really complicated.
But how does the saying go? Make an unpleasant task useful.
REALISTIC STUNT SHOW AT CRAZY CANYON
-Is that good? -Really good.
Cheers!
CUTS TO FACE/BLACK EYE/ CRACKED RIBS
Cheers!
You decided how you want to celebrate?
-You bet. -The traditional Albanian way.
For the family's sake.
Hey, Yeta. How does a traditional Albanian wedding work?
How would I know?
Because you said you'd help us with it.
You know very well that I'm not from Albania, Christian.
My name's Laura, people. Laura.
I guess I could Google it for you, though.
Really? Cool.
Oh, man. I'm so happy for you.
I read that in France, dead people can marry.
-That's crazy, isn't it? -Paris…
Ah, Doro.
The paintball factory in Falkenwalde belongs to us too.
If we keep this up, in three months we'll have taken over--
You don't get to decide that, Erwin.
Erblin. No, of course not.
Enough. I don't want anyone to die.
I don't think they'll stop. Because they started it.
I've had enough of this war too. But I think we have to push through.
Hey, babe. I've been really busy and can't pick you up. Really sorry.
WHAT? I CAN'T STAND IT HERE ANY LONGER!
Sorry, I have a ton of work opportunities opening up for me here.
Probably best we stop writing. I think your mom reads all our messages.
Shit.
-I didn't know you had a nickname. -Yeah..
Yeah, I know the monster's called Buba. Just didn't know you had the same name.
-Mm-hmm. -Who calls you that?
Friends. And colleagues. Like Marcus from Crazy Canyon.
Oh. Here, hold this. Hold this.
Everyone has their own name.
Like in a little family.
-Hold this. -Mm-hmm.
Let me.
Wait.
-Is it bad? -No, it's good.
Right.
I'm about to finish up for the day.
Stay for a drink. It doesn't have to be beer.
-For sure. -Maybe at my place, by the lake.
You didn't really like the bench the other day.
I can't tonight. Just remembered.
I have to go do this… thing.
Thing?
But maybe we could watch the Oscars together tomorrow night.
DiCaprio is going to lose again.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
Oh… does it hurt a lot?
-Yes. -So that's good?
Know the moment in a movie when two people kiss and the door suddenly opens?
Then some asshole walks in and spoils it all?
-Is something up? -No idea, Jule. Is something up?
Oh, okay, so see you tomorrow…
-Hold on, we're not done. -Bye.
-Maybe he is a little weird. -So you read my messages?
-Where did you get that idea? -You're spying on me with a damn app.
Jacket.
That felt better than winning against DiCaprio.
And it wasn't even with tongues.
It was way too much for my negative account.
Yeah. Definitely too much.
Dante!
Where've you been? I wanted to talk to you. I have a great idea.
What's with your lip?
What's with your hair?
It's "Sundown Hazel." Goes better with my jacket.
Hold on. What were you expecting when you walked in?
Nothing.
You thought something had happened.
Nah.
Where've you been?
Ugh, I'll leave you to finish up.
Just tell me!
What happened to us, Jakob?
We always told each other everything.
Trust doesn't just grow back, Jakob.
Broken is broken.
I'm seeing a woman.
Have you lost your mind?
What kind of woman?
The regular kind.
Since when?
Since a while back.
Since we started with the Albanians.
And today, she kissed me.
Well, nearly…
I was so happy.
And that's why I thought… I thought…
That you killed me.
You didn't quite pull it off 30 years ago.
I hope it was worth the fun.
You never actually wanted to come to Disneyland with me.
And you don't give a fuck about Harlan either.
Harold.
Wow, Jakob. Wow.
Fuck you.
I had to be sure you weren't doing something stupid.
I'm your daughter.
Yes, that's exactly why.
Mom, I totally get it that you wanted a fresh start.
But other mothers join a dating website or fly to Bali for a month, or something.
I'm not doing it for me.
Who, then?
I was happy. I had friends, family, Alex.
Even my mom used to be cooler.
No.
You and I are a family. They don't give a crap about us.
Not us. They don't give a crap about you.
You'll see. Alex will get me out of here.
Hey.
Go away, I'm thinking.
I don't know what I was thinking either.
I'll save up just for us. For California. I promise.
So, I've thought about it.
Maybe there is a way you can still go on your date.
Yeah? How?
If you want to let little Buba out of its cage for the first time in its life,
then you need to balance it out upfront first. Big time.
You're clear about that, right? Big time.
Seriously. Way more than usual.
Yeah. Of course.
I already have an idea.
For now, it has to stay between us. Just the Ottos.
-Just the Ottos. -Just the Ottos.
-Just the Ottos! -Just the Ottos.
Just the Ottos.
CHAPTER III MAXIMUM DISCOMFORT
So, you go in there and grab the box with the coke.
And if anything at all moves out here, I'll let you know.
I'll be with you the whole time.
Look, Mossad used the same ones in the 90s.
So, maybe not the exact same brand but…
Pull your shirt up.
Jule is a tattoo artist.
And she has other customers?
The tattoos on our upper arms are still the best.
Yeah, of course.
Testing. Testing.
Keep telling me exactly what you see. Do you copy?
Got it.
You say, "Copy that, over."
Okay.
Copy that. Over.
Yes.
Dante, come on, I can hear you.
I don't hear a thing.
The stuff here isn't even organic.
They're crooks, Jakob.
Mom, I was busy.
I was on vacation.
Got back last week.
There's a guard at the door.
Get in there. It must be the warehouse.
Just think about what you can get up to later with your tattoo artist.
Hey, copy.
Yeah, got it. Copied.
Over that.
Got to go. Bye, Mom.
What was that?
Nothing. It's over here.
Okay.
The pig bit me.
Shouldn't I get a tetanus vaccine right away or something?
After a tetanus vaccine, a man's testicles shrink by up to 64%.
The outlook is as bad for the ovaries.
I read it in New Vogue.
Over, or what?
We always say over. Over.
Dante, what's up? Over.
Be there in twenty. Just need to collect some cash.
Keep going.
I was having some food. It's all going according to plan.
All I see is baking stuff.
Keep looking.
They wouldn't store their coke next to the pretzels.
No, that would be… Hold on.
There are small boxes with packets of white powder.
Sure it's not flour?
Pretty sure.
Or baking powder?
No, baking powder… Yeah, it could be baking powder.
-So try it. -What do you mean, try it?
Maybe it's not what it says on the packet.
And how can I tell it's coke?
You'll feel it.
Tastes bitter. What does coke taste like?
Or baking powder?
What do I know? Try sniffing it.
Well?
-I think it's baking powder. -Shit.
Do you think I've done enough for my date with Jule?
Because I feel pretty good.
I mean really good. And that's bad.
Maybe I could find someone to hit me in the face.
Although, too much blood isn't good, is it?
It's better not to bleed too much on a date. Especially on the face.
Or… another idea.
How much baking powder would I have to eat to get really sick?
Jakob, it wasn't baking powder in that box.
You sure? Because if it was coke, I'd feel it. I don't feel a thing.
I don't feel any different. I mean, my blood sugar might be low. Over.
Just take the fucking box.
Jakob.
WHITE HORSES
Dante?
And the moral of the story?
You don't recognise evil
until it's chewed you up,
you are dead and evil is full up.
It goes snip and snap.
The scissors cut the thumbs right off.
I hope the fun was worth it.
They were both gone.
Dante?
Shit.
Jakob.
You okay?
I think so.
My radio suddenly died.
Come on, let's go!
Don't worry about it. That was self-defence.
I won't tell anyone.
And it was totally worth it for your negative balance too.
After that operation, you can give your Jule a proper screwing.
Screw, screw.
Hey! What are you doing?
-Are you crazy? -Are you crazy?
-Why are you pissed at me? -You must have seen the car!
What car?
The Albanian boss' car was there just now. It wasn't there before.
It was. Right?
You made me a murderer.
-Just to score a few points with Doro. -Bullshit.
Like you say: invest in yourself, work for yourself and pay yourself.
Everything's about you. It's always all for you.
The Albanians have noticed what a loser you are too.
-You'll never be anyone's leader. -Shut your mouth…
You'd be totally screwed without me.
I told you to shut your mouth.
Dante was a really crap brother.
But I was a really good stuntman.
I knew I couldn't rely on you.
Really good.
I'd lived with the big bad wolf my whole life, without even realising it.
Even though his disguise wasn't even that good.
Yeah, it's me.
You left your pills here. Just wanted to let you know.
Asshole.
VITAMINS
ZINC AND SELENIUM
DANTE IS AN ASSHOLE
There's only one thing worse than believing in the wrong things.
Believing in the wrong people.
But now the lies were over.
CHAPTER IV BUBA'S FAIRY TALE
Wow.
So your lip's better, then?
Yes.
What's with your hand? It was intact yesterday.
Someone bit me.
Bit you?
Yes, Dante and I stole 10 kilos of coke from a bakery earlier and…
A few things didn't quite go according to plan.
Are you serious?
Yes.
I work for an Albanian family and the coke was for them.
They're actually really nice.
Two of the guys are getting married tomorrow.
At their headquarters.
Headquarters, I mean, it's actually a small hotel.
It's pretty cosy and…
Yeah, I thought maybe we could go together?
You could meet everyone.
Should we go in first?
What's this?
Right, the Albanians. They're not what you think.
They're not actually Albanian.
-They just eat cake all day. -No.
They're never what you think.
One morning you wake up, your husband is dead and his head's in the yard.
I've had enough of those types.
-Your husband was in the mafia. -Please leave.
No, wait. The good news is, I don't have to work for them anymore.
I don't have to do anything I don't want to. I'm Little Red Riding Hood.
The real-life version.
What?
She didn't know it was her grandma.
The wolf told her it was regular meat.
A schnitzel or something. Little Red Riding Hood didn't have a choice.
She had to eat was put in front of her.
How does that relate to you working for the mafia?
Well, I was… I didn't have a…
Maybe the Red Riding Hood thing is overcomplicating stuff.
Bye, Jakob.
Seriously?
Bye.
OTTO SPERM
So, who's King of the World now?
Still DiCaprio.
To the newlyweds. Cheers!
Cheers!
Cheers.
Doro, I have something to tell you.
I screwed up.
To Abnor and Ili, cheers!
Cheers!
Cheers.
It all started when I met this woman again.
And to love. Cheers!
I didn't mean to hurt anyone.
But I have blood on my hands.
Let's discuss it all in peace tomorrow.
A chicken can only dream about what a fox must do.
Cheers.
Are you sure this music is Albanian?
It sounds a little Greek, doesn't it?
No idea.
It's always good to have a real Albanian around. Laura.
LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING YOU
I'LL BE RIGHT THERE, BABE
And at that moment, I realised you can choose your family.
Maxine.
Fuck.
What a beautiful bride and groom.
Abnor, Ilib, to you.
Cheers!
I also brought something for you.
Lights.
Lights on.
On. Lights. On.
Well, well, well.
A line from the wonderful movie, Bambi II.
Like Bambi, Jakob and I had to get by without a mother from an early age.
Without a real family.
Completely alone.
Then you came along.
You know, when I look at you,
I feel…
so much…
love.
Okay, maybe not exactly right now.
Because this family is torn.
Brothers fighting brothers.
But we're all Albanians.
I just couldn't stand by and keep watching Doro
tear us further apart without even shying away from murdering Jon.
That's not what we are.
What are you talking about?
We have to end this childish dispute.
Like Bambi,
we have to grow up too soon.
And do you know what Bambi became?
King of the Forest.
But first, his mother had to die.
Hey.
Maxine.
I'm so glad you got in touch.
Thanks for coming.
I have so much to tell you.
A few weeks ago, I discovered this YouTube channel
that completely blew my mind.
Did you know you can imagine anything and then it becomes a reality?
It's called manifestation, and that's why--
So where exactly is this "load of coke", Maxine?
Who are they?
He's a colleague of mine.
-There are three people, Alex. -Yeah.
-It's a four-seater. -Yeah, so?
So, I'll have to lie in the trunk on the drive back?
-No, Leonie's going in the trunk. -What?
You know, I'm just so happy to see you.
But I promised my dad that I'd bring the drugs.
He needs to see he did the right thing by promoting me.
I'm so happy to see you.
See you, bye.
What?
Jakob and I are really just doing this for you.
Any last words, Doro?
I never agreed to this.
Good evening. How's it going?
Okay, which one of you is in charge of the drugs?
The drugs are ours.
But they have the coke.
No, that's not true. He's lying.
-You're lying. -You're lying.
-Shut up.
You shut up.
Could you please not drag me into your personal shit?
I find that emotionally intrusive of you.
So…
Alex, what are you doing? You can't just kill people.
Could you just leave me to decide that?
I do this for a living, okay?
Fuck you, Alex.
Stop. Where are you going?
Can we discuss this quietly later?
Yeah? Okay.
So, what now? Should I shoot someone else? Huh?
I have the coke.
Finally. Hand it over.
Yeah, you'll get it. But only if you let my people go.
Everyone except him. He stays here.
I just have a real problem
hearing demands from someone
I just don't respect.
As a person. Do you know what I mean?
It triggers you.
Yes. It totally triggers me.
Good evening.
Hey, there. Hi.
Good evening.
Jule.
Good evening.
I won't hold you up for long.
Suggestion.
You lot. Squeeze yourselves back into that hideous car outside.
And on the way home, you delete my daughter's number.
Understood?
I don't understand. Fedya, come on.
Could you just do as he says?
This is all taking longer than--
Tell your dad to fuck off out of my life for good.
I'll explain later, okay?
Uh, cool.
Okay, so maybe I lied to Jule.
But she lied to me more.
The whole tattoo artist thing. She hasn't been doing that for long.
Before that, she was Alex's dad's favourite hit woman.
But then he killed her husband,
and Jule decided to spend more time with her daughter and less time killing.
I guess killing is like riding a bike.
When I think about it, I do prefer the mushy version of Little Red Riding Hood.
The one where Little Red Riding Hood kills the wolf at the end.
Because he really fucking deserved it.
Let's get out of here.
I'm sorry.
I'm not doing that again. Let's go.
Listen. When Alex's dad finds out what went down here,
things will get even messier. Let your people know.
I think they guessed as much.
I'll leave you two to talk.
Right, so…
Looks like it's time for another relocation. Yay.
Pity. There could really have been something between us.
Sorry I wasn't 100% honest about my job.
And that my daughter put the Bratva onto you guys.
I'd say we're even.
Tell me,
could you ever see us meeting again? I mean…
Like, properly.
Such crap. Right, Jakob?
Go away.
So you must be the broad that made my brother cause all this shit.
You knew that grandma was talking nothing but shit.
What do you mean?
I found your fucking vitamin C.
It's not my fault you were set on buying into that guilt crap.
And the accent too, right?
He's lied to me my whole life.
And used me. Like some parasite!
He's done nothing good his whole life.
He's vermin.
A cockroach.
I don't need to know any of this.
Come on guys, really?
Do you think it was always easy for me?
I was never as lucky as you.
What luck?
All the shit you pulled the last few years.
Have you ever actually seriously got hurt, even once?
Wherever you go, everyone instantly likes you.
Even though I'm better looking.
And the accident back then.
What about it?
What do you think would have happened
if you hadn't snuck off to that tea dance with DiCaprio?
You always have all the fucking luck.
But me, poor bastard, I've had to fake being Austrian for 35 years.
Do you know how unpleasant that is?
Eating wafers all day long.
The doctor's thought I had diabetes.
What use is that to me, huh?
Careful with that thing. It's not a toy.
No.
We're going home now to talk this over.
Just the Ottos.
Just you and me!
Thanks again for the tattoo.
No, keep it.
Nice ass, by the way.
I had fun too.
One more thing.
So, back to your question.
Whether I'm a happy person.
Yes, of course. And do you know why?
Because from that day on, I only ever did what I wanted.
With the people I want.
Just like normal. Laid back.
THE END
How does it go in fairy tales?
And then I lived happily ever… Oh, yeah right.
You come here with some kind of gard--
I forgot for a second.
Uh, no. Only Disney has happy endings.
You fuckers.
Let's go.
Wait a second.
We're leaving.
Shit, I got brain on my shoe.
Lenny. Where did you actually get the gun?
From the 3D printer at school.
I figured drug dealers have to defend themselves.
Have you done the math homework?
Dude.
Subtitle translation by Larisa Villar Hauser