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NETFLIX PRESENTS
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[coughing up phlegm]
[man] I have never understood why fairy tales actually exist.
Are they meant to teach you something or are they just told for fun?
[man whistles tune]
[man] My grandma always used to say, life is just like a fairy tale.
Hmm!
-[man] Yes, just as cruel. -[car horn honks]
[man grunts loudly]
[man] And she was right.
-At least, as far as my life is concerned. -Br-r-r-r.
[man] In the end, all that matters is
whether you're Little Red Riding Hood or the Big Bad Wolf.
5 YEARS LATER
[metal clanging]
[clanging]
[older man] This is my turf.
I'm not gonna be messed around by some high school kids.
[Lenny] Stop! Don't!
[drops metal bar]
[Lenny whimpers]
-[gun clicks] -[Lenny squeaks]
[snorts] Guys, beginning to spoil all the fun, you know.
-You come here with this stupid garden n-- -[gun fires]
-[body thuds] -[they gasp]
[dull metal thud]
[Lenny breathes shakily]
-Is he dead? -No idea.
Fuck! Shouldn't we put him in the recovery position?
-His brains are on the wall. -Call the police.
[Lenny] Again, his brains are on the wall.
It was suicide. We're leaving.
But he didn't do it on purpose.
It's only us who know that!
[Moritz gulps, breathes shakily]
Look, Buba was a small-time criminal.
Someone who lived completely alone on a remote horse ranch.
I would have committed suicide.
I've actually never seen him with anyone.
No friends or family or… He really didn't have anyone.
Yeah.
Yeah, everyone will just think that he put an end to his pathetic life.
I mean, does he look like a happy person?
[Buba] Yeah, okay, this is not the best moment to judge that, you little pricks.
Of course I'm a happy person.
CHAPTER ONE A PRETTY UNHAPPY CHILDHOOD
[Buba] I was a completely normal boy.
Jakob Otto.
The only thing I had in common with fairy-tale characters
was that my parents were almost never home,
so I was brought up by my grandma.
And now it goes snip and snap, and with the scissors…
[Buba] Grandma Ingrid. She was just like the witch in the gingerbread house.
-[Grandma] Oh. -[Buba] Only she was shit at baking.
My only ally was my brother, Dante.
At Grandma's, all we got were original German fairy tales.
None of that soppy Disney stuff.
She liked it the most when, as punishment,
someone got burned or had something cut off.
Not just in fairy tales either.
If it tastes too good, then you get stomach ache afterwards.
[Buba] She was convinced that, eventually, you pay for everything good in life.
-Good German upbringing. -[Grandma] Who was it?
[German folk music playing]
[hip-hop music playing] ♪ Ah yeah! ♪
[Buba] But you don't really have to pay for the best things in life.
[dreamy romantic music playing over hip-hop music]
[Buba] Except maybe with your body.
[same hip-hop song playing over headphones]
-[boot thuds] -[woman] He's not in his room either!
-[woman calling] Jakob! -[man] Jakob.
BREAKDANCE COMPETITION
[woman] Your uncle is only going to be buried once!
[engine starts]
[man] Just you wait till we get back!
[Buba] This was the day my life changed forever.
[hip-hop music starts]
[rapper vocalising]
Woo!
[cheering]
[Buba] I won.
Yes!
And not just against anyone.
This blond boy here was just visiting his grandma
and actually came from America,
the birthplace of breakdance. Yeah!
On this day, I was better than him.
Better than Leonardo DiCaprio.
-[woman] How long have you been dancing? -It really happened. Google it.
[soft romantic music playing]
[Buba] Well, Leo, who's King of the World now?
[sighs happily] It was the happiest moment of my life.
And no sign of stomach ache.
The only things in my stomach were butterflies.
Big, fat ones.
There's been a car accident.
Your father is dead.
[ominous echoing]
[Grandma] Your mother is dead.
And Dante is lying in a coma!
What have you been doing?
[menacing deep voice vocalising]
[Grandma] I hope the fun was worth it.
[menacing deep voice vocalising]
[Buba] So Grandma was right.
-[Jakob yells] -[Buba] It was obvious.
Whenever things are going well for me, bad things happen.
So I had to make sure I felt bad.
No matter what.
[thud]
[Buba] And when I feel bad…
-[door rattles] -[Buba] …good things happen.
-Dante. -[Dante] Hey there, man.
[Buba] Ah, let me explain.
Dante had only just survived.
Since being in a coma, he developed Foreign Accent Syndrome,
a rare neurological illness which can occur after a traumatic brain injury.
There's a woman in Norway who, since suffering a brain injury,
now only speaks with a German accent,
although she can't speak any German.
Speaking with an American accent is punishment enough, but Dante also had…
[Jakob] Myalgic encephalomyelitis,
hypothyroidism, progressive muscular dystrophy,
and a very mild case of PTSD.
[Buba] So that Dante could enjoy his life to some extent,
I promised him I would stay miserable forever.
And to be sure that I was really miserable,
I kept a record of all the bad and unpleasant things.
My negative account.
A sort of savings account for shit.
[Dante] Disneyland, we really need to go there sometime, huh, Jakob?
[Buba] I gave up all my dreams.
From now on, my life was just a quest for unpleasant experiences.
It was obvious that Grandma Ingrid would be leaving us sooner or later.
[yelling on TV]
-[door closes] -[Buba] Yeah.
Dante became the only family I had left.
Sometimes you have to suffer for your family.
-[brakes screech] -[Buba grunts]
[grunting and groaning]
Fucking hell!
You need to watch where you're going, my friend.
It's fine, don't worry about it.
-[American accent] Hey, not so fast. -Who are you?
This is a 20 zone, you were going too fast.
No way. And even if I was--
I'm calling the police. You are gonna lose your license.
-What a shame for your business. -[driver sighs]
Yeah, but even if he was going a bit too fast, I'm not hurt, I'm good.
Yeah, for now. Your body's been pumped full of adrenaline.
That'll disappear in half an hour, and then what?
Boom! Paralysed forever. [chuckles]
[whimsical string music playing]
-No, that's not true. -That is not true.
It's better if we let the authorities decide that.
-I hope you like riding a bike. -Just hold on a minute there.
-[Buba] Hmm. -Maybe we can sort this out another way.
[whimsical string music continues]
Yeah, but maybe the gentleman's right and we should just call the police.
Hey, it's good, it's good. Hmm?
You should at least give the emergency doctor a call.
I'll need to see a doctor, of course.
Okay.
[Buba] Up until this point in my life,
-I was a happy person. -Yep.
I mean, I wasn't Hansel lucky from the German fairy tale,
but I was definitely happier than Rumpelstiltskin.
[Buba groans]
[Buba] And he didn't even have a brother.
-As far as I know. -[doorbell rings]
[Buba snickers]
[woman over intercom] Who is it?
[Dante] It's just like I always tell you, Jakob.
Invest in yourself, work for yourself and you--
[Buba] Reward yourself.
-[Dante] Hmm, that's good. -[Buba groans] Oh, my balls.
[Buba groans]
[Dante] I did promise it would be unpleasant for you today.
-And the best is yet to come. -I thought it were this one here.
[Dante] Yeah, it is, but we need a mare to get him going.
Allow me to introduce…
Princess Ute.
[whimsical music playing]
-Okay, I've got him. How do I do it? -[horse grunts]
You know, the normal way. Hmm?
Look. Oh, Black Caviar's mother died very young.
-No wonder the horse is such a winner. -[horse neighs]
[Dante] It's like that with successful guys,
like us or Walt Disney, for example.
[Buba groans]
Did you know Walt's mother died because of a gas leak
in the house he himself gave to her?
-Really? -[Dante] Yeah.
Then he ended up building his entire career on a lot of dead mothers.
[Buba groans]
Bambi: dead mother.
Beauty and the Beast: dead mother.
Pinocchio: no mother present. Ariel--
Pinocchio is a puppet, they never have mothers.
Finding Nemo: dead mother.
The Fox and the Hound: dead mother.
Cinderella: dead mother.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame: dead mother.
Snow White: dead mother.
The Lion King too. Dead mo-- Wait.
It was completely different with that one.
You know, Simba's mother was actually--
[Buba] I think we're almost done here.
[Dante] He's quick, our Black Caviar. Right, Ute?
-[horse grunting] -[Buba groans]
The contact I have is paying us 7,000 euros per shot.
At those prices, I'll be a millionaire in a month.
-Oh, yeah, that's some profit. -[horse whinnies]
[Buba groans]
[Buba blows a raspberry, groans]
[whimsical music plays]
SKIMMED AND SKIMMED OFF. SPERM ROBBERY IN LAUTERSHEIM.
[presenter 1] Today we'll be discussing a sperm robbery in Lautersheim.
Don't worry, it was only a horse.
[presenter 2] The unexpected often happens!
[presenter 1] Yeah, the horse can't complain.
THIEF SINGLE-HANDEDLY REMOVES ATM MACHINE
[presenter 3] Some listeners, you can't work out.
[presenter 4] The collector had a mess on his hands.
[presenter 5] A chocolate mess!
EGG THIEF! VALUABLE COLLECTION GONE
LUGGAGE TROLLEY STOLEN IN BROAD DAYLIGHT
SICK FOR A LIVING
NO EASY HAUL
40 RATS KILLED WITH BARE HANDS
BOLD THEFT OF HENS
ANIMAL THIEF WITH A WHEELBARROW
[presenter 6] Better ways of stealing a donkey.
[presenter 7] There've been a few strange incidents.
So, give us a call if you hear any suspicious…
-[donkey braying] -[presenter 7] …anywhere.
[white noise over radio]
[indistinct radio chatter]
[presenter 8] …grabbed two jam-packed luggage trolleys.
[presenter 9] Police are asking for anyone with information
to please get in touch.
More and more birds are taking antidepressants.
What? Antidepressants?
Well, not by choice.
Because more people are taking these pills,
they're now in our drinking water.
And from there it ends up… first in the worms, then in the birds.
[coughs up phlegm]
And how are the birds doing?
It says they're snacking more.
They're in a good mood, aren't they? I'd snack all day as well.
[munching crisps loudly]
[doorbell buzzes]
That's the asshole, that's the one.
This is the asshole. They're in cahoots!
Jakob, I think the gentleman here would like his money returned.
[Dante groans]
[Buba coughs up phlegm]
[donkey braying]
What's with the Happy Hippos?
-[tuts] -[man 2] They're not all Happy Hippos.
A hippo is a hippo.
But this, for example, is a Bingo Bird.
[man 1] Cute! With the tennis racket and everything.
Yeah, of course.
[Dante] Nowadays for the dark blue vanity Smurf with the silver mirror,
you can get 6,000 euros.
And you have that Smurf, or what?
Maybe I do.
I'd need to look.
[Buba] It's actually mine.
The vanity Smurf.
Good. Are we done here or…?
[woman] Nuh-uh.
[zip closes]
-You've got an appointment with the boss -[Dante] Hmm.
[whimsical rock music playing]
[tyres screech]
[Buba] Dante and I had already done quite a few shady deals.
But until then, we'd only ever heard about
these organised crime families on the radio.
[German music continues]
[loud chatter]
[shouting and cheering]
[indistinct shouting]
[Buba] These were real criminals.
It was a full-time job for them.
Always with a knife in their hands.
And at their head…
a powerful boss.
[music stops]
-[Buba] Doro. -[fly buzzing]
[fly buzzing]
[loud fart]
[chairs creaking]
[whimsical rock music continues]
[Dante] Asshole.
[Dante knocks on window]
[Dante groans]
[Dante] Classic power move.
Who eats cake at this time of night?
That's exactly the point.
If the boss feels like having cake, then the boss gets cake.
Who gives a shit what time it is?
[Buba clears throat]
How old do you think she was? 80? Think she's already chosen her successor?
[sighs] Okay, listen here.
Doro's made a decision, and you need to stop pulling that shit around here.
This is our turf now.
And when you say "your turf", what exactly do you mean?
What don't you get, our turf?
100 kilometres?
Got it, sounds fair.
So, in future, no more fake car accidents,
Jakob, yeah?
Okay, sounds fair to me too.
It's not just the accidents.
-[horse neighs] -[Buba] I think we're almost done here.
[Buba] That guy doesn't have any hair on the back of his head, so it can't be me.
No, that could… that could be anyone.
[Dante] He's quick, our Black Caviar.
[knife swishes]
[Buba exhales deeply]
My Grandpa Zef… [kisses]
…was a crazy football fan.
In '63, Albania played in Euros for first time.
Course, Grandpa went straight to stadium.
Well, in that game, Albania only scored one goal.
Panajot Pano in third minute, it was.
Do you know where Zef were at that moment?
-[Buba] Hmm? -In the loo.
[Buba] Hmm.
It were diarrhoea.
And Zef was so angry, course!
And then after the game, he went back to restaurant where he'd eaten before.
He then took this knife and stabbed the chef direct in his left eye.
Br-r-r-r-r! Just so.
See this dent here? Huh?
That's where the tip of the knife
actually hit the back of the poor chef's skull.
From within.
-Oh. -[Dante clears throat]
[sighs] You wouldn't want Grandpa Zef's fancy knife
to get another dent now, would you?
[Buba groans]
[Buba] Would you rather have this one or the one that still has all its wheels?
I'll take the one with the uncomfortable strap that cuts into your hand.
[Dante] Let's take our time and think about whether we really need to move away.
All our valuables are here.
Of course we have to leave.
You know exactly what will happen if I don't regularly--
Yeah, I know, I know!
[Buba] Actually, you don't.
We have to make sure things are bad for me so that you're okay.
[groans] Sometimes I wish I had chronic conditions just like you,
then I'd be off the hook.
Yeah? And why have I got them?
Asshole.
[chicken clucking]
[shooing]
[chicken screeches]
[Buba grumbles] Let me do it.
[Dante] Look…
What if maybe we stayed and offered to work with the Albanians? Hmm?
Work for the mafia, what do you mean?
Not for the mafia. I mean with them, you and me.
They're criminals.
So are we.
Yeah, but they're in a completely different league.
Maybe the time has come for the Ottos to think bigger.
Think big!
Yes, we can!
California.
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Hollywood!
[Buba] You know very well, I can't let myself think like that.
Disneyland.
You've still got it.
We always wanted to go there.
But if we keep thinking small time, we'll never get anywhere.
I heard at Disneyland, they have a Mount Everest roller coaster now.
And there's a 20-foot-tall yeti.
He's called Harold.
And with the Albanians,
it's a whole different type of business.
Real mafia stuff.
It's hard, dark Albanian shit.
We'll do it for a few months, and then your negative account will be so full,
-you can do whatever you want to. -Mm-hmm.
And then we can go and shake hands
with Yeti Harold in California in person. What do you say, huh?
Yeah, I don't think you're allowed to touch him.
And anyway, I don't want to work for the mafia.
Just take some time to think about it.
Sometimes you have to look at a crisis as an opportunity.
Little bit of pain equals small reward.
-Bigger pain… -Bigger rewards.
[chuckling]
Huh.
[Western music playing]
[gunshots]
Argh!
[Buba grunting and screaming]
You're supposed to jump, man.
[mock screaming in pain]
-Come on! -Quick, jump!
[man 1] Come on, down here!
What's he doing?
-[man 2] Not there! -[Buba yells]
[Buba thuds, groans]
[muted applause]
[groaning]
[man 1] Are you crazy?
[man over PA] Ah, we'll continue this at, uh, 4 o'clock.
[Buba] I'm good, I'm still alive.
[girl] Dad, this is really boring.
[Dante] Spare any change for the actors?
-Thanks very much. -[woman] It's outdated.
-Spare change? -Huh? No thanks.
-[Dante] Tight-ass. -[woman] Hmm?
[Dante] Spare change for the actors?
-[piano playing] -[indistinct chatter]
[Buba] I'm not sure if it's working here.
They make everything safe, they've even got extra-soft sand.
And that big round of applause also felt pretty good.
Yeah, you don't need to tell me that. This was your idea.
You know, when I was on fire,
because I was so hot,
I had an idea.
Why don't we move to Dubai?
Just try to imagine,
you in a Lamborghini with air conditioning.
And me outside, on a camel.
You having fun by the pool and me in the desert.
Really pleasant and really unpleasant side by side all the time.
It'd be perfect for us.
Where do I get the car and the pool, huh?
You do know that in Dubai, they'll chop off your right hand
if you go to a little market stall and steal a half-dried date, man.
[groans] Rubbish.
So I don't even want to think about what the penalty is for horse sperm stealing.
We are criminals, Jakob.
You want some?
No, you know I can't.
I'm really scared something bad is gonna happen again.
Well, if we were with the Albanians, then you wouldn't need to worry about anything.
Anyway, what was that?
Huh?
A raisin.
At least I think.
[Dante] Oh, come on.
Enjoy.
Your manager is now going to take a shit.
[woman over PA] Can the owner of the carriage with the yellow canopy
please come and speak to us?
Otherwise, it'll be towed.
[girl] Excuse me, can you help me? I'm looking for my mama.
I'm busy. Ask somebody else.
-I thought you were the sheriff. -[Buba groans]
No, deputy sheriff.
[indistinct chatter in background]
And so what do we do?
No, I really can't.
If I help you find your mother, it'll make me feel good,
and I can't afford to have good feelings, so…
Nah.
What have you got against good feelings?
Whenever I feel good, something bad happens straight after.
-That sounds stupid. -Yep, but that's how it is.
[girl] But then you can't ever play with friends,
or eat ice cream or dance.
[Buba] Can you keep your mouth shut and help me look?
And you also can't have a birthday party,
-or go traveling or fart in the bath. -[Buba] Hmm.
This man doesn't like good feelings.
This is the right place for your dad, then.
This man isn't my dad, though.
-[Buba snorts] -Um, you don't need help, do you?
[boy] Where were you?
Come with me.
Ah, brother.
I'd slit someone's throat to get a proper coffee,
but they don't know what that is round here.
Ugh, the people here are so weird.
[sighs] You are weird.
[romantic music playing]
Jule.
[hip-hop music playing]
-The breakdancer, Jonas. -Exactly, yeah.
-Well, Jakob, but yeah, yeah. -[Jule sighs]
You know what that is, breakdancing?
-I even won… -[Jule] Yeah!
…the breakdance competition.
Here.
-Against Leonardo DiCaprio -[Jule] DiCaprio.
Hollywood actor.
Yeah, yeah. I know the story.
Well, the bit that's interesting.
[Jule and Buba chuckle]
Yeah, so… so what have you been doing these last few years?
Oh, you know--
Mum, what have you done these last few years, huh?
Um, I haven't been here that long.
I opened a tattoo shop in Lautersheim.
You could drop by and I'll do something nice.
-Well, nicer than that disaster. -[Buba chuckles]
I think the disaster suits him, don't you?
-You've got a funny daughter. -Uh, sort of.
[Dante] Jakob!
Yeah, so… Oh.
[menacing deep voice vocalising]
-I must, um, uh… -[Dante] Jakob!
…go. I have to, uh…
Yeah, because I have to go. Bye.
-Oh, Jonas. -[daughter] Jakob.
[Dante] Hmm.
Who was that?
Hmm? [scoffs] Tourists. They wanted a photo with the sheriff.
Deputy sheriff.
[dreamy romantic music playing]
[music continues]
[Buba] I definitely didn't want to put Dante's life at risk,
but Jule, she lured me in
like it was a freshly-baked gingerbread house.
I was just having a look.
[dreamy romantic music continues]
[Buba inhales deeply]
[groans]
[Jule] You can come in if you want.
-[Buba snorts] -Gesundheit.
I just happened to be walking in the area,
and I wanted to see if this was a shop.
-Uh, well, yours. -[Jule] Yes, it is.
And? Fancy it?
-What? -[Jule] Coming in.
Oh-oh-oh.
It was a… a matching tattoo.
Hmm. Poor woman.
No, not a woman, a man.
My brother. It was… his idea.
Well, congratulations.
And so how about something new?
-And what do you have? -[Jule] Uh…
Yeah, uh…
Look in here.
[bell dings]
-You choose something. -[Jule] Okay.
Where, then?
Where will it hurt the most?
Usually where the skin is very thin,
on the elbow, between the fingers, or foot.
[Buba] Foot. Foot is great.
Pain doesn't bother me.
But when I'm in pain, someone else feels better.
And that's why things should never be too pleasant for me, so, um…
Well, pain is good.
Hmm!
-[tattoo needle buzzes] -[Buba groaning]
[Jule] So, is that unpleasant enough?
[groaning]
-And… looking good? -[Jule] Oh, yeah. I think so.
But, of course, a swastika is a question of personal taste.
[Buba chuckles]
-[needle buzzing again] -[Jule] It's okay.
I've seen 10-foot-tall Russians cry when I do the foot.
Do you think that's why most people get tattoos, then?
Because when it's finished, you then somehow feel like you've earned it?
[needle buzzing]
No.
I think for most people it's the fact that you can't undo it afterwards.
One decision, and then for the rest of your life
you have a naked nun on your arse.
[needle buzzing]
[Buba] It looks like an old penis with teeth.
[dreamy romantic music plays]
But a nice one.
A nice old penis.
Yeah. I thought it suited you.
Pain isn't an issue for naked mole-rats either. They don't feel anything.
I see.
Is it okay?
-[Buba groans] Yeah. -[Jule] Where'd you park?
I came on foot.
Do you have far to go?
No, about six miles.
Take this.
It's colder now.
Come on, you've earned a bit of warmth after that nice suffering.
[sighs] Thanks. I'll bring it back, yeah.
I should think so, too. The jacket's not a gift.
[soft romantic music playing]
-[Buba sniffs] -[shop doorbell jangles]
[Buba] The problem with gingerbread…
is that once you've tasted it,
you can't stop.
Then you keep wanting more.
But for that to happen,
I had to urgently fill up my shit savings account.
CHAPTER II MORE PAIN, MORE GAIN
-[Dante] The Ottos with the mafia. -[music plays over radio]
This is the best decision that we will ever make.
It'll be worth your while too.
[Dante singing] ♪ I had a dream of white horses ♪
-You all right? -Yeah, of course. Why?
♪ Wild white horses on a beach ♪
Look in the glove compartment.
The Ottos in California.
Like Arnie.
[Dante chuckles]
♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪
♪ La-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la ♪
[both humming out of sync] ♪ La-la-la-la-la-la ♪
[tyres screech]
[Dante] See? Every boss has another boss.
He'll be something like The Godfather.
The car they're driving definitely costs more than the whole hotel.
[man] It's obvious what's going on.
You know that'll be us soon.
Real mafia bosses.
Remember, first impressions matter the most.
Welcome into the world of organised crime.
[crash]
[ominous music]
Are you stupid?
[snorts] Nothing for me, thanks.
[man 2] Just be glad that John didn't cut off your fingers.
[Dante clears throat] May I also have a piece of cake, please?
[fly buzzes]
In Albania, nodding means no, shaking your head is yeah.
Doesn't that make life complicated all the time?
-No? -Course.
Oh, yeah.
So you two want to join us, do you?
Abso-fucking-lutely.
[Buba groans]
-So just you? -My brother too.
You're sure?
I thought that was how you did it in Albania.
Yeah.
[Buba groans]
-Well, then… [speaks Albanian] -[speaks Albanian]
[speaks Albanian]
Ah, so, you'll start with protection money, this is easy.
You go and visit these people once a week,
you say that we send you, and then pick the dosh up. Alright?
My dear Doro…
my brother and I are delighted…
to be given this opportunity, this chance,
that you and your family have given us.
Because a man of the family is always right.
"Even when he's wrong, he's right."
Al Pacino said that in Donnie Brasco.
[Doro gulps]
[Dante inhales] And so…
to us!
Hmm?
-[birds chirping] -[duck quacking]
[video game beeping]
[sighs] This bunny hopper game is a pain in the arse.
Don't you wanna invite someone over from your new school?
[girl] The Wi-Fi's down again.
This isn't the countryside, it's the fucking Middle Ages.
I could, uh… say, cook?
-[scoffs] -[Jule] What? I can cook.
"Anyone can cook."
Jamie Oliver said so.
Hmm, so what you gonna cook, then, popcorn or something?
-[both laugh] -[Jule] Ooh!
[video game beeping]
-That Jakob guy came to my shop. -The creep from Crazy Canyon?
That's right, the creep from Crazy Canyon.
And what did he want?
Tattoo on his foot.
Oh, well, at least he'll look less creepy now.
Hey, come on, stop it! He's not that bad.
And a normal guy is quite nice for a change.
Mum, he looks like those guys by the pool who secretly take photos.
[both laughing]
[phone buzzes]
Who's messaging you?
-[typing] -[message alert chimes]
-Max! -What!
-Who are you texting? -Who do you think I'm texting?
[Max sighs]
And don't worry, he doesn't know where we are.
What did you say? Wait there! Shit!
And also, two years ago, Alex was still together with us in Ibiza.
You know exactly how far--
Happy new life! That's just great, Mum.
You go and be happy with your creep.
-[door slams shut] -[Jule sighs]
[rock music playing]
[Buba] This is the eighth collection this week,
and nothing bad has happened yet.
The free beer at that Greek takeaway was way too warm.
Come on. That's not how it works, is it?
Yes, I know that's not how it works. It's going to be fine.
I can't wait to see what we get for free this time.
I could do with a coffee.
[man] I don't want your roof tiles in my street.
I told you there'd be trouble so don't be surprised
when my people come round and fuck you up.
Hey, Bechstein!
-You got a second? -[Bechstein] Say hi to my wife.
-[Dante] So we meet again. -What's all this, then?
It's about your monthly service payment plan.
-For protection. -What?
-We are now the Albanians. -[Bechstein] Eh?
[Dante mutters]
Doro sent us.
[Bechstein] Piss off back to where you came from.
I've got professional support now. They made me a real offer.
Not like the shit we get with Doro's amateurs, eh?
Ah-ha. Go on, you can get lost now, you losers.
Is he actually mentally disabled as well? [sighs]
Should we call Doro?
-[Dante] Go grab him. -[Buba] And then?
What do you think?
We can't allow that level of disrespect, Jakob.
We are somebody now.
Think of California.
-[nostalgic piano music plays] -[seagulls cawing]
[Bechstein] I told you to piss off.
Have you got nothing better to do?
Go throw yourself in front of a car again.
[Dante] Well, don't just stand there.
[Bechstein] Things will get really nasty.
Get off my property!
You've really got a screw loose, you have.
Stay right there, I shall pay!
Get off my property!
[both grunting]
[Buba] Is that the best you've got?
-Come on, really hit me. -I will hit you.
Yeah, hit me.
-[Bechstein yells] -[Buba] Ooh.
Hit me.
-[grunting] -So!
[grunting]
Had enough yet?
How about face? Go on, go for it.
-Smash me in the face! -You're fucking crazy.
Yargh!
[Dante] Get him! Now!
-Get out here! -[Bechstein yells in pain]
[Dante] Smack him!
Argh! Ah! Ow.
-So… -[Bechstein groans]
So, why don't we go collect that cash now, Bechstein, huh?
[Buba groans]
You see, it turned out to be a really unpleasant week after all.
Yeah, but something like that would have to happen a lot more often
for things to work out with… uh, Harold the Yeti.
[Buba] Um?
A little tip for California.
-Oh. -No one will notice.
With our official share,
we wouldn't even be able to get an Elsa's frozen yogurt in Disneyland.
-So… -[Dante groans]
You think it's true what he said earlier, the roofer, about hiring other guys?
Nah, tradesmen tell lies up to six times more often than other people.
He just wanted to get rid of us.
[sarcastic music]
[Buba] Come on, let me help you, Doro.
[woman] This is fantastically shit.
It were the Albanians.
I thought we were the Albanians.
No, real Albanians who work for John,
the one whose was car you ran into.
They control the entire coke trade in this area.
So no one here is Albanian?
Doro were married to an Albanian once.
I went on holiday there when I were a child,
And Grandpa Zef's pocketknife?
Letter opener.
My grandpa's called Heinz.
But that's the point, when Germans hear Albanian, they get scared.
Potato Heads.
And so these real Albanians,
are they all Albanian?
No.
But they came up with idea to use it first.
Albanian "brand" belongs to them.
We pay 'em a bit of money every month to use it.
Just like a McDonald's restaurant.
-Yeah, exactly. -Huh.
Totally worth it, you know.
Don't even need weapons. Name is enough. Like I said.
Potato Heads.
[Buba] Potatoes? Delicious.
[Buba] I also thought that all Albanians were criminals,
and that Albania was a mystical faraway place
where for thousands of years there's been a struggle
between good spirits and evil demons.
But I looked it up.
-[upbeat music plays] -It's a beautiful country
on the Mediterranean, right next to Italy.
Albanians are poor, though, so people are prejudiced,
and you can use that to make money, like John or, uh… Doro.
Did you notice if anything unusual happened in the last few days,
while you were away?
-No, everything was great. -Nah, everything was tip-top.
Nothing, really.
Quiet, really quiet.
[woman] So what do we do now?
Hum, uh…
We got to hit 'em now, twice as hard. Smash them!
Okay? Or no?
[Dante] Hey, a little war like this is the best thing that could happen to us.
At last we can show them exactly what we're made of.
We both get something out of it. You can fill up your account,
and in war there's always someone who rises up the ranks.
Oh, my shitty back.
Give me a pink one.
[gentle music plays over stereo]
Cheer up, will you?
-[Buba groans] -Feet?
Treat yourself after a day like today.
The reason we're doing it can be our little secret.
And now the good life begins for us.
The good life.
[high-pitched squeaking]
Have you got your socks on?
[cheery music plays]
[doorbell jangles]
-[Buba clears throat] -So where's my jacket?
Um… it was so warm today.
I can get it quickly.
-Did you come on foot? -Yeah.
[Jule chuckles] Nah. Just leave it.
-[Buba mumbles] -Okay.
Sit down.
So tell me, what do you like?
Well, um…
[blows air]
[groans]
Well, I really don't like squirrels.
One attacked me a few years ago.
-Oh, chamomile tea, it's like liquid snot. -Mm-hmm.
Yeah, but one of the things I hate most is when sparkling water goes a bit flat.
-Take your trousers off. -I hate pistachios.
Well, when you can't open them properly.
You know, when you grab one from the bowl,
you've got it and then… [grunting]
And hedgehogs, hedgehogs are so annoying.
Okay. Let's rephrase.
So how would you describe yourself, then?
Me? Myself?
Pretty normal.
Laid back.
Right then, lay back and you should relax, sweetheart.
-[rock music intensifies] -[needle buzzing]
[music stops abruptly]
It's really good.
Laid back, right?
I think it's really good.
[Jule] I thought you like to let your nuts swing.
-I'll take a photo. -[Buba] Sure.
[Jule] No, no, of your balls.
-I see. -[camera shutter clicks]
Go on then.
[camera shutter clicks]
[short romantic flourish of music]
Oh, it's Maxine's.
I know it's a bit dark. I like it, though.
[Buba] It's like something from a fairy tale,
a real fairy tale.
Little Red Riding Hood, you know it?
-Yeah. Yeah, I know it. -[Buba croaks]
In the original, the wolf cooks the grandma
and secretly serves her to Little Red Riding Hood for lunch.
Do you know what happens next?
Does she find out and then outsmart the wolf?
No. The wolf eats her up.
And then?
Nothing. End of story.
If everything turns out fine, you don't learn anything.
Happy ending is only by Disney.
[Jule clears throat]
Apropos of happy endings, there's an extra beer here.
-[Buba exhales] -But don't feel you have to say yes.
[Buba] No. Yeah, um… I'd like that, actually.
[soft, menacing music playing]
[message alert chimes]
I GOT A PROMOTION!
I REALLY HAVE TO SEE YOU AGAIN!
[Buba] And what does your, uh… Well, what does Maxine's dad do?
[Jule] He was a lawyer.
And what does he do now?
Nothing.
[scoffs]
He's dead now.
Oh, that's, um… I'm sorry.
[Jule exhales]
So that means, um… that you're on your own.
Mm-hmm.
I've got Maxine.
Yeah, I've got Dante.
And you get on well, yeah?
[chuckles] Yeah. Drama queen mostly.
Yeah, Dante as well.
[clears throat] But it's nice when you've got someone.
-[choking] -[Jule laughs]
-[gasps] Yeah.
So how long has it actually been since… [chuckles]
…breakdancing competition?
Thirty-six and a half years.
More or less.
You know, that day was the first time I ever kissed someone.
Like properly kissed someone.
[chuckles] Yeah, me too.
Really? Who were you kissing?
[both laughing]
It were you.
-Did we kiss too? -Kiss too?
All I know is that I passionately kissed DiCaprio that evening.
-[Buba snorts] -He just looked so sad.
Oh, and it was me.
I'm the one who told him to concentrate on his acting career.
-So when he wins his Oscar later on-- -Well, he won't.
He only ever comes second.
Yeah, but now we get to sit here drinking beer. And where's he?
-On a yacht with eight models? -There you go.
That poor man.
[Buba chuckles]
I think it's nice that you're here. Uh, well…
That you're back here. Well, that you're back.
I mean, here.
I think it's good.
More or less.
[Buba] That was the second happiest moment of my life.
But you know when the clock strikes 12 and Cinderella…
-[clock striking 12] -[menacing deep voice vocalising]
[Buba] Well, I didn't want my fancy carriage
changing back into a rotten old pumpkin.
I urgently needed to make another deposit in my shit account.
[Dante] We need to proceed with caution, so just observe for now.
Hey, man, where are you actually from?
From here, actually.
Because I was thinking, well,
I wasn't really sure, you know, it's the accent.
It's a long story.
-So? -[Buba] It's a medical thing.
[man 2] I think these organic things always taste a bit strange.
-Not quite right. -Yeah.
-Probably because of the gluten. -Gluten.
Please just concentrate! Children.
I promised Doro we'd get big results.
Are you completely sure the Albanians move their drugs from these vans?
-Yeah, course we are. -They've got four just like that.
[Buba] Soon they'll only have three.
Wait, there's something I need to tell you.
-I'll take care of it. -Just wait a goddamn second!
Shit.
[both laughing in the back]
[man 1] He won't listen to you, look.
Ah, this isn't gonna work.
[man 1] Look! What's he doing now? What?
He's crazy!
[man 2 laughing]
-Yeah! -[all] Yeah!
[all laughing]
[man 1] Yes, of course!
-[both laugh on video] -[all cheering]
I told you that we were gonna send a strong message,
and I would say that is exactly what we did!
I mean, the way Jakob just went for the guy,
he was twice as big as him.
Massive, wasn't he?
He wasn't twice as big, just a little bit bigger.
Pain really doesn't bother you one bit, does it, Jakob?
-[Buba scoffs] -Like a real life Buba.
-Buba! -Buba?
Yeah! It's an Albanian fairy tale character.
Buba starts out as a harmless animal which is then led astray
by the demon Boller and turns into a heartless monster.
It's a great metaphor,
but I don't know what for.
-Cool. -Yeah, good.
Now you have an Albanian name, then, just like all of us.
Ha! I'm actually called Christian.
And Enes is really called Sandro.
Enes?
Yeah, he's my twin brother.
[Buba sniffs, mumbles]
He wasn't quite finished.
Oh.
Hey, they're brothers, just like us.
-May I? -Course you can. Say hello.
[high-pitched voice] Hello there, Buba.
Family is wonderful.
Yeah, he's right.
Our Buba.
Then that means that I need a new name as well, don't I?
Maybe something from a fairy tale as well,
like a king or a warrior? Wizard?
What about Erblin?
Oh, yeah. Erblin is fucking cool.
-So cool. -Very cool.
Erblin means "scent of a linden tree".
This is just so beautiful. Huh?
It is, yeah.
[Dante mumbles] Or maybe we could take more time to think about it?
To Buba and Erblin!
Yeah, to Buba and to Erblin!
-Gëzuar! -Gëzuar!
[all] Gëzuar!
[all] Gëzuar! Gëzuar!
[Buba] Nice one.
[gasps] God, don't sneak up on me like that!
-I brought you your jacket. -Wait, what happened to you?
What's wrong?
Oh, you mean this? It's nothing.
It's from the stunt show, from Crazy Canyon.
Are you the worst stunt man in the world?
I-I wanted to ask if maybe you felt like, maybe giving me another tattoo.
Good. That sounds like a plan.
Because it seems to be turning into a regular thing between us here.
So, I'll just drop by and we can see each other, for the tattoo.
-Yeah. -Cool.
Hmm. I'll just get my jacket next time, then.
[Buba] Yes.
[Dante] This is not on, dude.
I've been trying to get hold of you for two hours.
Where were you?
-I… What kind of car is that? -It's mine.
Get in.
[Buba groans]
Mafia style. This is what a future Godfather drives.
[engine rattles]
Let's go. Otto time.
[Buba] Let's go. Jakob Otto time.
The real Albanians wanted revenge for what the fake Albanians had done.
And then the fake Albanians wanted revenge
for what the real Albanians had done.
And then the real Albanians wanted… Yes, it was really complicated.
But what is it they say?
You should always mix business with displeasure.
[tattoo needle buzzing]
[yells]
REALISTIC STUNT SHOW AT CRAZY CANYON
-Is this okay? It's great.
[all] Gëzuar!
Ow!
-[screams] -[Jule laughs]
[needle buzzing]
[screaming]
-Gëzuar! -[all] Gëzuar!
-D'you know how you want to celebrate? -Oh, yeah, of course.
The traditional Albanian way. Everyone in the family.
Ha-ha. Hey, Yeta. Tell us, how does an Albanian wedding work, then?
Well, I should I know?
Well, because you said you'd help us with it.
[sighs] You know that I'm not actually Albanian, Christian.
My name's Laura. Laura.
-Oh. -I… I can Google it for you.
Really? Cool.
Oh, guys. I'm so happy for you.
[all laughing]
I read that in France they let you marry the dead.
-[laughing] -Yeah.
-[Dante] Isn't that crazy? -Yeah, Paris.
Ah, Doro! The paintball factory in Falkenwalde is now ours as well.
So if we keep this up, in three months,
we'll have the entire--
That decision is not yours, Erwin.
Erblin. No, of course.
It stops here.
I don't want anyone to die.
Well, they started it, so I don't think they'll give up.
I'm also against this war, but I think we have to keep going a bit longer.
[Dante sighs]
[squeaking]
[Buba snorts]
[fly buzzing]
[message alert chimes]
[Alex] Hey, babe. I'm super busy right now
and I can't pick you up, okay? I'm really sorry.
WHAT? I CAN'T STAY HERE ANOTHER FIVE DAYS!
[traditional German music playing over radio]
[Alex] Sorry. There are so many business opportunities opening up for me here,
and I think it's better if we don't text each other anymore, okay?
I think your mum is reading all our messages.
Shit.
[needle buzzing]
-I didn't know you had a nickname. -Yeah.
Yeah, I know the monster's called Buba.
I didn't know you had the same name as the monster.
-Mm-hmm. -Who calls you that?
[needle buzzing]
[mumbling] Friends. Or colleagues.
Like Marcus from the Crazy Canyon. [gulps]
Oh. Here, come hold that.
Hang on.
Everyone sort of has their own name. We're like… we're a small family.
-Hold this. -Mm-hmm.
Let me do it.
[Buba grunts]
Wait.
-Sting? -Nah, it's good.
[Jule sighs]
So… I'm just about to finish here,
so if you want to go for a drink or something later
Yeah, course.
Maybe at mine, by the lake?
The bench isn't really your thing.
I just remembered, I can't today.
I've got this, uh… thing.
Thing?
But maybe you fancy watching the Oscars with me tomorrow evening?
DiCaprio is gonna lose again.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
-[Buba sighs] -[Jule] Oh…
Is it painful?
-Yeah. -So that's good?
-Mm-hmm. -Yeah? [chuckles]
[Buba groans]
-[romantic music playing] -[seagulls cawing]
[door bursts open]
Know in films when two people are about to kiss, then the door opens?
And then some asshole comes in and ruins everything.
-Is something wrong? -I don't know, Jule. Is there?
Uh… Okay, then. I'll see you tomorrow.
-Wait, we're not even fin-- -Bye.
-Maybe he is a bit weird. -Are you reading my messages?
-Where'd you get that idea from? -You're spying on me with a shit app!
Jacket.
[Jule sighs]
[Buba] Oh, that felt better than beating DiCaprio.
And I didn't even get my tongue in there.
That was definitely too much for my negative account.
[Buba groans]
Yeah, that was definitely too much.
-[Dante retching] -[Buba] Dante?
[retching continues]
[gasps] Dante!
[Buba pants]
Hey, where were you? I wanted to talk to you. I've had a great idea.
What's up with your lip?
What's up with your hair?
It's "Sundown Hazel". It matches better with my jacket.
Wait a minute.
What were you expecting to see when you came in?
Nothing.
You thought that something had happened.
Nah.
Where were you?
[Buba sniffs]
[groans] I'll let you finish in here.
Just tell me!
[toilet flushes]
[Buba groaning]
[sighs] What's become of us, Jakob?
We used to tell each other everything.
Trust… is not a renewable resource, Jakob.
When it's kaput, it's kaput.
[sighs] I'm seeing this woman.
[inhales sharply, sighs]
Tell me, have you gone insane?
What kind of woman?
She's just normal.
Since when?
For a while. [breathing shakily]
-Since we started with the Albanians. -Oh!
[Buba] And today she kissed me.
-Well, nearly. -[Dante sighs]
And I was just so happy.
And that's why I thought that…
I'd rather you killed me.
Well, you didn't quite manage it 30 years ago.
I hope the fun was worth it.
And you never wanted to go with me to Disneyland.
-You don't give a shit about Henry either. -Harold.
Wow, Jakob. Wow.
Fuck you.
[Buba coughing up phlegm]
[birds chirping]
I just had to be sure you weren't doing anything dangerous.
-But I'm your daughter. -Yeah, Maxine. That's exactly why.
Oh, Mum, I totally get why you want to make a fresh start.
Other moms would just try and look for a partner on a dating app
or fly to Bali or something.
You know I'm not doing this for me!
Who's it for, then?
Me? I was good. I had friends, a family, Alex.
Even my mum was way cooler.
Hey, it's you and me. We're family.
The others don't give a shit about us.
No, it's you they don't give a shit about.
You'll see, Alex is gonna get me out of here.
[dramatic music builds slowly]
-All right? -Piss off, I'm thinking.
[Buba] I dunno what I was thinking earlier.
I'm going back to saving just for us,
for California, I promise.
[Buba snorts]
[donkey braying in distance]
So, I've thought about it.
Maybe there's a way you can still go on your date after all.
Yeah. How?
Well, if you're absolutely certain
you really want to let little Buba out of his cage for the first time in your life,
then first you have to compensate for it big time.
You do get that, right? I mean, big time.
Like, really big.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
[Dante] I've already had an idea.
But for now, it has to stay just between us, just the Ottos.
-Just the Ottos. -Just the Ottos.
-Just the Ottos!
-Just the Ottos.
[Buba] Yeah.
Just the Ottos.
CHAPTER III MAXIMUM DISCOMFORT
[Dante] Right, you go in there and grab the box with the coke supplies.
And if there's the slightest movement out here, I'll let you know.
-[Buba groans] -I'll be with you the entire time.
Hmm?
See? Mossad used exactly the same ones in the 1990s.
[Buba] Hmm.
Well, okay, maybe not exactly the same brand, but…
Just pull your shirt up, will you?
[Buba groans]
Jule is a tattoo artist.
Does she have any other clients?
[Buba groans]
Our tattoo on the upper arm is still coolest.
Yeah, course.
[Buba groans]
[beeping, feedback screeches]
-One-two, one-two. -[Buba groans]
[Dante over radio] Keep telling me exactly what you see.
-Do you copy? -Yeah, will do.
It's "Copy that. Over."
[Buba] Okay.
Copy that. Over.
Yeah.
-[walkie-talkie clicks] -[Dante sighs]
[Buba] Oh, Dante, are you kidding me? That's so loud? Over.
[munching over radio]
[Dante] Well, I don't hear nothing. [munching loudly]
[Buba] Hey, I don't think the things in here are organic at all.
Well, yeah. They're criminals, Jakob.
[man] I would have called earlier, Mum, but I had a lot to do.
Yeah. Yeah, I was on holiday.
-[Mum] Oh, lovely. -Yeah, got back last week.
[whispering] There's a guard by the door.
Well, then, get in there, that must be where it's stored.
Think about all the things you'll be able to do with your tattoo artist.
[munching] Do you copy?
Yeah, copy that, copy that.
-Over and out. -[guard] Yeah.
[munching loudly]
[guard] Okay, I have to go. Bye, Mum.
[both grunting]
-[guard bites] -[Buba yells]
You little… Argh!
Hey, what was that?
Ah, nothing. It's over.
Okay.
[Buba] Oh! The bastard actually bit me.
Don't I need get a tetanus shot right away or something?
Did you know that after a tetanus shot,
a man's testicles will shrink by up to 64%?
It's a bleak outlook for the ovaries as well.
I read about it online.
[Buba] Over, right?
I thought we were meant to say "over", over.
Dante, what's wrong? Over.
[man] I just need to pick up some money.
Just keep going, okay?
I was just eating. It's all going according to plan.
[Buba] It's just baking stuff everywhere.
Keep looking!
They won't store their coke next to the pretzels.
No, that's… Wait a sec.
There are some small boxes here with bags of white powder inside.
Are you sure it's not flour?
No, I don't think so.
[Dante] Or baking powder?
It's not ba-- It could be baking powder, yes.
-[Dante] Just try some. -What do you mean?
It might be different to what's written on there.
And how do I know if it's coke?
[Dante] You'll just know.
[mumbling]
Bleurgh. It tastes bitter.
What's coke actually taste of? Or baking powder?
Well, how would I know? Just try snorting it.
[snorting]
[Dante] Well?
-I think it's baking powder. -[Dante] Shit.
Is that enough for my date with Jule?
Because I feel pretty good right now. Actually, really good.
And that's, uh… not great.
I should look for someone who can give me a little punch to the face.
-Too much fighting isn't good. -I really wouldn't…
It's better if you're not bleeding too much on a date,
especially on the face. Over.
Or another idea,
how much baking yeast do you have to eat to make you feel really bad?
Jakob, in that box was no baking powder.
If it was coke, I'd have felt something, and I don't feel anything at all.
I feel the same as usual. Blood sugar's a bit low, but apart from that…
Over. Do you want some pretzels?
[Dante] Just take the fucking box now!
Jakob.
Jakob, do you copy?
[dramatic music playing]
[grunting over radio]
[grunting]
[grunting over radio]
[Buba coughing]
[Buba groaning]
[grunting]
[guard yells]
Argh!
[guard yelling]
WHITE HORSES
[Western music playing]
[gun cocks]
Dante?
[thud]
And the moral of the story?
You don't recognise evil
until it's devoured you,
you're dead
and it's replenished,
replenished.
[Western music continues]
And now it goes snip and snap.
And with the scissors, the thumbs are off.
[German music continues]
[Grandma] I hope the fun was worth it.
[bird screeches]
[Grandma] And they are both gone.
Dante?
Go to hell.
[roaring]
Jakob.
[roaring]
[Dante] Jakob.
[tapping shoulder]
[Buba groans]
Are you okay?
I think so.
I didn't realise the radio was out.
[Buba groans]
Come on, get up.
[Dante] Don't worry about it. It was self-defence.
I won't tell a soul.
And it was worth it for your negative account too.
After that operation,
you can definitely mess around with your tattoo artist.
[chuckling] Kiss-kiss.
[chuckling, humming to music] ♪ Na-na-na-na-na! ♪
♪ Na-na-na-na! ♪
[Dante humming]
-[tyres screech] -[Dante] Hey! What you doing?
[both] What the fuck is wrong with you?
-You don't have a right to be angry! -You must have seen his car!
What car?
The head Albanian's car was in the car park, it wasn't there before!
It was. Right?
You made me a murderer.
-Just so Doro prefers you, man. -Yeah, bullshit.
Like you say: invest in yourself, work for yourself and reward yourself.
Except it's always about you!
Everything's always about you!
The Albanians have realised what a loser you are, knobhead.
-You'll never be anyone's leader. -Shut your face.
You'd be totally fucked without me.
I said shut your face.
[grunting]
[Buba snorts]
[snorts]
[angelic humming]
[engine starts]
[tyres screech]
[engine revving loudly]
[tyres screech]
[groans]
Oh!
[groans]
[Buba] Dante was a really shitty brother.
But I was a really good stunt man.
[Dante] I knew I couldn't rely on you!
[Buba] Really good.
[car speeds into distance]
[Buba sighs]
[keys jangling]
[lock turns]
[Buba] I'd lived with the big bad wolf my whole life without ever realising.
And he hadn't even disguised himself particularly well.
[soft, intriguing music playing]
Yeah, it's me.
I just wanted to let you know… [groans] you left your pills here.
Asshole.
[sighs]
VITAMINS
ZINC AND SELENIUM
[dramatic music intensifies]
[door closes]
[Jakob gasps]
[menacing deep voice vocalising]
Fuck.
[dramatic music playing]
DANTE IS AN ASSHOLE
[Buba] There's only one thing worse than believing in the wrong things,
believing in the wrong people.
But now the lies were over.
CHAPTER IV BUBA'S FAIRY TALE
-[dreamy romantic music playing] -[seagulls cawing]
-Wow. -[Jule chuckles]
So your lip's better?
Yeah.
And your hand? It was still intact yesterday.
Somebody bit me.
Seriously?
Yeah. Dante and I stole 10 kilos of coke from a bakery earlier,
and, well, things didn't go quite according to plan.
My God, are you serious?
Yeah.
I work for an Albanian family and the coke was for them.
They're really nice, honestly.
Look, two of my colleagues are getting married tomorrow evening.
At their headquarters.
Well, I say headquarters, it's a little old hotel.
It's actually quite cosy, and…
Yeah, I wanted to ask whether you might like to go with me.
And you can meet them all.
But maybe we should go in, huh?
What is it?
All right, the… the Albanians, they're not what you think at all.
They're… they're not even Albanian. They just eat cake all the time.
No. They're never what you think.
-[Buba sighs] -Then you wake up one day,
your husband's dead and his head is in the garden.
[Buba chuckles]
I don't have time for men like that anymore.
-Your husband was in the mafia? -Please, can you go now?
No, no, wait. The good thing is I don't have to work for them anymore.
I-I don't have to do anything I don't want to anymore.
I'm Little Red Riding Hood.
What?
She didn't know she was eating her own grandmother.
Because the wolf in disguise told her it was just normal meat.
Well, like a schnitzel or something.
She had no choice.
She had to eat what was given to her.
What's this got to do with you working for the mafia, then?
But I'm not. I-I didn't have to…
Okay, maybe the Little Red Riding hood is overcomplicating--
Bye, Jakob.
Seriously?
[Buba snorts]
See you.
[melancholic music playing]
[applause on TV]
[presenter talks on TV]
Leonardo DiCaprio. The Revenant.
[cheering and applause on TV]
And the Oscar goes to…
Leonardo DiCaprio!
[raucous cheering and applause on TV]
[dramatic music building]
[loud bang, glass smashes]
OTTO SPERM
[Buba] So, who's king of the world now?
[sighs] Yeah, still DiCaprio.
[horse whinnying]
[Yeta] To the newlyweds! Gëzuar!
[all] Gëzuar!
Gëzuar.
Doro, I have to tell you something.
I fucked up.
[Yeta] To Ili and Abnor!
-Gëzuar! -[all] Gëzuar!
Gëzuar.
Well, it all started when I ran into this woman from my past.
[Yeta] And to love! Gëzuar!
Gëzuar!
Look, I never wanted to hurt anyone,
but now I've got blood on my hands.
Let's discuss this tomorrow in peace.
A chicken can only dream of the things a fox has to do.
-Gëzuar! -[all] Gëzuar!
Gëzuar.
[traditional folk music playing]
Are you sure that this music is Albanian?
It… it sounds a bit Greek, doesn't it?
I have no clue.
[she laughs]
Yeah, it's good to have a real Albanian around. Laura.
[phone chimes]
LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING YOU
I'LL BE RIGHT THERE, BABE
[upbeat folk music playing]
Woo! Woo-hoo!
-[cheering] -[whistles blowing]
[Buba] And at that moment, I realised
you can choose your family.
[cheering]
[Jule] Maxine.
Fuck!
[engine starts]
[engine revs loudly]
[cheering]
[music stops abruptly]
[indistinct confused chatter]
[menacing deep voice vocalising]
Happy wedding day, everybody!
What a beautiful couple.
Abnor, Ilib, to you.
Gëzuar!
I've also…
brought something for you.
Lights off.
Lights on.
On, lights. On.
[all gasping]
[woman] Oh!
[microphone feedback screeching]
[Dante] Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.
"The colder the winter, the warmer the spring."
"The deeper the sorrow,
the more our hearts sing."
That was a quote from the wonderful Disney film Bambi 2.
Like Bambi, both Jakob and I…
also had to get by without a mother from a very early age.
Without a family, completely on our own.
But then you came along.
You know, when I look at you like this, uh…
I feel…
so much…
love.
Okay.
Maybe not right now, exactly.
There's a rift in this family.
Brothers are fighting against brothers.
But we are all Albanians.
I couldn't just stand idly by and watch
Doro drive us further and further apart.
-And as for killing John… -[woman] What?
Please! That couldn't be further from who we are!
What on earth are you saying?
It's time that this childish conflict ended.
Like Bambi,
all of us have to grow up too fast.
And you know what Bambi became?
The king of the forest.
But for that to happen, his mother had to die.
[people gasping]
[Alex] Babe!
Maxine! Mwah!
I'm so glad that you called. Yeah.
Thanks for coming.
I've so much to tell you.
A few weeks ago, I discovered this American guy's YouTube channel,
and, honestly, my mind completely blew.
And, hey, did you know you can just imagine anything you want
and then it becomes a reality?
-It's called manifestation. That's why-- -[man] Hey, Alex.
And where exactly is this whole load of coke, then?
Uh… Who's he?
That's a colleague of mine.
-There's three of them, Alex. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-It's a four-seater. -So what?
So, where am I going to sit, in the fucking boot?
-[laughs] No, Leonie's going in the boot. -What?
You know what, I am so happy to see you, Maxine.
But I also promised my father that I would bring him the drugs.
You know how he is, he really needs to see that it was worth promoting me.
Oh, Maxine. I'm so happy to see you.
Mmm.
[Alex clicks teeth, sighs]
-See you, bye. -What?
Jakob and I are really doing this for all of you.
So, any last words, Doro?
I didn't know about any of this.
[doors crash open]
-[people screaming] -[Buba] Maxine?
Good evening. All good?
Okay, which one of you yokels is in charge of the drugs, then?
[man 2] Well, the cocaine is ours.
But they've still got it.
No, that's not true. He's lying.
-You're lying. -You're lying!
-You're lying. -No, you're lying!
-You're lying! -[woman screams]
[man yells in pain]
[Alex] Could you please not drag me into your personal shit?
I think that it's emotionally abusive of you.
-[Buba snorts] -So…
[screaming]
[people whimpering]
Alex, what the fuck are you doing? You can't just shoot people!
Babe, let me decide that for myself.
I do this for a living, yeah? Okay?
-[Max] Fuck you, Alex. -[Alex groans]
[speaking Albanian]
[Alex sighs] Can we talk about this later, please? Babe?
Hmm? Okay.
Right, how should we do this?
Am I gonna have to shoot someone else as well, huh?
[Buba snorts, sniffs]
I've got the coke.
Ah, finally! Thank you. Come on then, give it to me.
Yeah, I will.
But you have to let everyone here leave,
everyone except him, he stays here.
[Alex scoffs]
[keys playing]
I just find it really, really difficult
when someone I don't respect at all shouts orders at me, yeah?
As a person. You know what I mean, right?
-It triggers you. -Yes, it triggers me!
[Jule] Good evening.
Hey, there. Hi.
Dobra večer.
Jule. Dobra večer.
Uh, I won't keep you long.
Um, I suggest that you
squeeze yourselves back into that very ugly car out there.
And on the way out,
you're going to delete my daughter's number.
[speaks Albanian]
[speaking Albanian]
Can't you just do what he says? This is taking a lot longer than--
[yells]
[speaking Albanian]
-I'll explain later, yeah? -Uh, cool.
[soft piano music playing]
[Buba] Yeah, okay, maybe I lied to you.
But she lied to me much more.
For example, she'd only been doing the tattoo thing for a short while.
For years before that, she'd been Alex's dad's favourite assassin.
But then he killed her husband,
and Yule decided to spend more time with Maxine
and less time on contract killings.
But killing is probably the same as riding a bike.
When I think about it, I prefer the soppy version of Little Red Riding Hood.
I mean, the one where Little Red Riding Hood kills the wolf in the end,
because he bloody well deserved it.
-[Jule] Come on, let's go. -[Max] I'm sorry, Mum.
[Jule] I'm not doing that again. Here, take this.
[dog barking in distance]
Listen. When Alex's father finds out what happened,
things are gonna get even worse round here. Tell your lot.
Yeah, they know that already.
I'll give you some space.
[Jule] Well, then…
[Jule sighs]
Probably time for a change of scenery again.
Yay!
There almost could have been something between us.
I'm sorry I wasn't 100% honest about my job.
Ex-job.
And also that my daughter put the Bratva on to you guys.
I'd say that we're even.
[Jule sighs]
Tell me, Jule,
could you, d'you think, imagine us both meeting again? I mean…
seriously?
-[Dante] What a crock of shit! -[Buba groans]
-[Dante] Right, Jakob? -Piss off!
Ah! Ooh!
And you must be the lady
who my brother did all of this shit for.
That right?
You knew that everything Grandma ever told us was totally shit!
-What are you saying? -I found your vitamin C tablets.
[snorts]
It's not my fault that you were so intent on buying that total rubbish
about fucking guilt!
The accent too, yeah?
[both grunting]
-[Buba yells] -[Dante groans]
[Buba pants]
He's lied to me and used me
my entire life. Like a parasite!
I-I, uh…
He hasn't done anything good his whole life.
He is vermin.
A shit!
I don't want to hear any of this.
Oh, no. For fuck's sake, guys.
You really think it was always easy for me?
Hmm?
I've never had luck like you.
What do you mean, luck?
All of the stupid shit you've done over the last few years.
Have you ever, ever hurt yourself, actually? Have you? Hmm?
And no matter where you go, everyone always likes you
straight away, from the get-go.
Even though I'm better looking.
And the accident back then…
What about it?
What do you think would have happened
if you hadn't secretly gone off to go dancing with DiCaprio back then, eh?
You've always been the one with all the sodding luck.
And me? I've had to spend the last 36 years
pretending to be American, shit.
Do you know how annoying that is?
Eating wafers every single day.
The doctors told me I've got diabetes.
What the fuck am I meant to do with that, eh?
Careful with that thing. It's not a toy.
No.
We're going back home together and we'll talk it out.
Just the Ottos!
Just you and me!
[nostalgic music playing]
[snorts]
[tuts]
Thanks. Thanks for doing that for me.
No, you can keep it.
Nice arse, by the way.
I had fun as well.
Right, then.
[romantic music playing]
[engine starts]
[tyres screech]
[upbeat music playing]
[Buba] Okay, now back to your question about whether I'm a happy person.
Definitely. And do you know why?
Because from that day onwards,
I've only ever done what I wanted to do
with people I liked.
Pretty normal, you know, laid back.
[snorts]
THE END
[Buba] How's it go in fairy tales, again?
And I lived happily ever after.
Ah. Oh, right.
You come here with this stupid garden n--
[Buba] Yeah, I forgot about that for a moment.
Only Disney has happy endings,
you pricks.
We're going.
-Wait a second. -We're leaving!
[Dan] Ah, shit! I think I've got brains on my shoe.
[Moritz] Lenny, where on earth did you get that gun?
[Lenny] From that 3D printer at school.
You have to defend yourself when you're a drug dealer.
[Dan] Fuck, fuck! Moritz, have you done your Maths?
[upbeat rock music playing]
[toilet flushes]
All right?
[chuckling]
[Abnor and Ili chuckling]
[they sigh]
[Abnor] Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.
Subtitle translation by Larisa Villar Hauser