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[electronic beeps]
-[Nick] Yo. -[Byron] Hey cuz.
-[Byron] How you doing man? -[Nick] What up boy?
[Byron] Man, this is all good my way.
I just got a little situation man.
I wanna, wanna lay low for a few days.
I was hoping you can help me out.
[Nick] Shit man.
[Byron] I ain't trying to bring this shit to my house.
- My girl here. -[Nick] No man.
It ain't like that but hey that's why you need
a side bitch man, you know, two queens are better than one.
I know you play chess.
[Byron] No man I play video games.
When are you flying in?
[Nick] I'm at LAX right now.
[Byron] Get the fuck outta here.
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ Oh I got the perfect splatter. ♪
♪ My A's are gonna have something busy. ♪
♪ I can't even believe this shit. ♪
[Nick] Driving like you on the run
and it is highly debated,
we can't be faded, cause n**** we made it.
-It's tough man. -Ha.
[Alia] Hello, happy Monday, it's your girl Lex.
I am so excited to share with you my favorite place
to come to when things just get a little too crazy.
[Nick] Keep it down.
So as you know I am getting the IUD tomorrow,
so I just wanted to take a moment
and stay with that decision,
you know, and really thank my body for being so fertile,
and I came here to Whisper Rock
because this is just one of the most epic places
of nature ever.
Check it out.
Oh no, no, no, no.
[Byron] Whoa, whoa, whoa, calm down.
Hey look listen, don't panic. My name is Byron Bowers.
This is my cousin, Nick. Put your hands down.
Is Rich here?
No sorry I don't know who Rich is.
Rich is, he's my agent, he owns this place.
Oh okay, no see I'll be Air Bnb'ing this place
for the next couple of days, so I can do my...
I'm sorry how much did you see?
-Oh, we've seen enough. -But we come in peace.
Could I please use the restroom, I gotta go bad.
[Alia] Yeah, sure, yeah, it's right there yeah.
Thank you, thank you.
I'm so sorry, this place is usually empty in the winter
-and yeah. -Right, yeah.
We're not gonna rape you or nothing so we're good.
Great, great.
Oh yeah I know that just, you know, I was nervous.
-So... -Yeah.
IUD's huh?
[laughs] Yeah.
Yeah, I heard about those.
[inaudible]
[water running]
[background conversation]
[Byron] My grandma got one, not an IUD, uh grandkids, yeah.
[background conversation]
[Nick] Hey, hope you don't mind,
helped myself to some chocolate I found on the counter.
Wait what the fuck are you doing [inaudible]?
I ain't ate, it's pretty damn good.
-Organic, I know it's organic. -Wait.
How much did you have of this?
I ate the whole bar.
-No, what the fuck? -Oh fuck.
-Damn. -Oh no.
Have you ever taken mushrooms before?
Have I taken mushrooms?
We ain't no n**** who fuck with mushrooms like that.
We just need to get paranoid off weed.
Well I'm sorry, he took my personal stash,
I was just supposed to eat those and like chill out here...
What the fuck? Her voice has changed.
Is it the mushroom already kicked in?
-Your voice did change Lex. -Okay, sorry, my name is Alia.
Alright, I'm not...
I am out here on the run, paranoid as fuck.
Just trying to hide out.
-Shrooms, mushrooms. -Listen, listen, listen.
It's okay. Everybody's hiding from something.
Shall we take the rest?
Yeah.
[piano plays]
I got so much control over my saliva right now.
Be what? Let go.
Hell no. I ain't gonna let no n**** bro at my feet.
Feel the mark and know it, rubbing n**** feet.
That's a real n****, I'm a real n****. Right?
I'm supposed to be this big gangster.
I'm not a bouncer though
because uh Lex has to get an IUD tomorrow.
You're gonna be alright yeah?
Yeah, yeah, hit me up when you guys are coming to LA.
Alright.
[narrator] Everybody say when you're coming to LA
and you hit 'em and they know that
[inaudible]
[narrator] It's snowing in the desert.
You could be eye curlers.
Shit, I remember the first time I took my phone
and we got [inaudible] free.
I don't know why n**** are afraid of mushrooms.
N**** feel what's inside that's what it is,
they just go walk in the woods like, a holyman or some shit.
I don't know, how do n**** be out free?
They should remake it and tell you how they got free.
♪ Crazies disappear, fuck it I'm about to reappear. ♪
♪ I'm about to go back, ♪
♪ Tell n**** I became free so they can become free ♪
That was it then I put it in.
[rap music playing]
[woman] [inaudible]
[woman] Alright, guys, ladies and gentlemen.
Get on your feet.
You've seen then in the shot, concrete cowboys
and honey boy, make some noise for Byron Bowers.
[cheer]
["Who U Wit" playing]
Thank you all man. Thank you all.
Some of y'all never been here before to the caterer
you know what I mean? Thank you for coming down,
no need to be nervous.
We're on the white side of the caterer.
[laughs]
So it's all good. You can relax, you know what I mean?
[laughs]
You know we're in a boxing ring right now
which is weird cause I don't box.
I only watch sports,
I started watching sports 16 years ago.
I remember the last game I watched,
it was the Super-bowl.
I remember all these people out on the field.
Football players, like the toughest guys.
Old school bullies, and they was holding hands
with one another, and these n**** was crying.
[laughs]
And then Nelson was like "Look at 'em,
they worked hard to get here.
Ever since they was eight years old,
they worked their whole life and tonight their dreams come true."
And I was like holy shit.
I'm sitting here watching
mother fuckers follow their dreams right now,
and I felt bad cause I wasn't doing shit with my life.
[laughs]
I remember I went home and I snatched my TV.
I was like fuck this TV. [laughs]
This TV programming me, just sitting here
and watch people follow that shit
instead of being out here living my life.
The only time I got my news is somebody called,
that's the only way I found out about shit.
I didn't even know what MAGA was at first.
I thought it was Japanese animation the whole time.
N**** called me, like what the fuck is wrong
with Kanye West out there wearing MAGA hats and shit,
I'm like he's weird, he can watch Japanese animation,
let that n**** live.
[laughs]
Then I googled the shit
and I found out that MAGA means Make America Great Again,
and for short they call it MAGA
and I was like oh shit they think they're slick.
I see what they did, they shortened the word,
trying to make it sound cool, I know this trick,
we did the same thing for the word n****
I don't know if you know n**** was a longer word.
[inaudible] 400 years of getting ground down with slavery
and shit and they went on a spiritual journey,
then it got shortened
and it became cool, now everybody say shit.
They try to do that with MAGA,
I'm like no MAGA, you can't do that.
You ain't slick, you gotta earn that shit.
MAGA gotta go through his journey.
That's why I think we should put a hard R
on the end of that bitch.
[laughs]
And call on that from now on with a country accent
like these fucking MAGAR's out here.
[laughs]
Wearing their MAGA hats.
Always complaining about shit.
Why don't they go back to where the fuck they came from.
Fucking MAGAR's.
See somebody already laughed, what are you MAGA lovers
or something?
Well I don't give a fuck, put on your MAGAR hat
and go back to Forsyth County where the fuck you came from.
[laughs]
I ain't tripping, I let 'em live.
We're all on journeys, you know what I mean?
Shit, I don't know what the fuck I was doing when I started.
Some of y'all know when I started,
I didn't know what the fuck I was doing.
Even before then, man I sold crack
and went to college, I didn't know what the fuck.
[laughs]
I was just trying to figure shit out.
Did stand up, wasn't even good at it, I was going quit.
That was another thing I was gonna quit.
Then the universe spoke to me, my gut told me
that if I did this it would take me to the promised land,
and I was like okay.
And I rolled with that shit and I told my home boy
like man I'm hoping to do this comedy shit.
I quit my job, and he was like "Nick are you crazy?"
Are you gonna quit your job and follow your gut?
And I was like yeah, let me stay in your basement.
[laughs]
Pack up a prelude,
some of y'all remember that prelude
didn't have a front [inaudible] on that mother fucker.
I drove that shit all the way to California
with the engine light on.
Went from a red state to a blue state,
different values.
You know in the land of you know,
abortions are legal.
In LA plastic straws are legal.
[laughs]
Use a plastic straw, people make you feel guilty,
like you're killing a soul.
I'm like damn they do that for abortions in a lounge.
[laughs]
The waiter slipped me a plastic straw
like it was an eight ball of cocaine.
He was like here you go, keep this shit down right here.
[laughs]
If you get caught you didn't get that shit from me.
I put the straw in a glass, everybody looking
"you can't use that, you gotta use a paper straw,"
I was like "What?"
A paper straw, ugh.
I'm gonna sip it.
Why the fuck would I use a paper straw?
It was, ugh, use the paper straw for that shit to unravel
in the glass, the hole closes.
It tastes like chemicals,
I don't know what the fuck that shit's made of.
I'd rather drink out of cigarette
than a paper straw.
[laughs]
Why the fuck are we using paper straws anyway?
They was like cause a sea turtle died,
I'm like get the fuck out of here.
A turtle died
and now fucking plastic straws are illegal.
That's when I realized they don't give a fuck
about human beings.
We're still arguing over gun laws and one turtle died,
and they shut that shit down.
I'm like man, these turtles got a good ass lawyer.
They tried to give my cousin ten years for a bag of weed.
I'm like n**** you should have had that sea turtle lawyer,
you would be free right now.
I was mad as fuck man.
I was like I wish I would see a sea turtle,
I'd choke the shit out of sea turtles.
I'd choke the... I'd put that mother fucker on his back
and just let that mother fucker matrix like that
and then kick his legs, boom and spin him in a circle
and dance around them fish like yeah you are in jail now, bitch.
Then I looked in the mirror
and realized I was part of the problem.
It's my fault turtles are here running around free.
[laughs]
You know what? I was snorkeling with sea turtles.
I spent 40 minutes with them n**** out in the ocean,
watching them do sea turtle shit.
Have you ever seen them out there in the ocean?
Their little fins like hovering around that in the water.
They got that look in their eye
like they got a head full of free style battle raps.
[laughs]
And they just want a free style battle rap and shit.
And they'll be going up to shit
like you want some of this jellyfish?
[laughs]
I get in your ass sea-grass,
and they drop shits in the middle of the ocean.
Fly.
Like hot mixed tape records,
just sitting on there, like whoop.
And I followed it around for 40 minutes
watching it, learning from it,
showing it all this love, which is power spiritually.
Power to change laws and it's fucked up,
cause we've got a homeless problem in LA,
and I've never spent 40 minutes with a homeless person.
All they do is sea turtle shit, they freestyle battle rap.
[laughs]
And drop shits on the sidewalk,
like hot mix tape records.
New shit, boom, boom, boom.
[inaudible]
You're not even supposed to touch sea turtles.
Did you know that?
You're not supposed to touch 'em.
It's bad for the eco system.
They got germs and we got germs and if you touch 'em,
you can cross contaminate, that's what they told me
before I got in the ocean.
I remember looking that sea turtle in the eye
and I was like "hey n****,
from one endangered species to the next,
pow, whatever you got, I got.
Ask me if I've touched a homeless person before, nope.
[laughs]
You're not related to one.
I didn't even get him a father's day card.
[laughs]
They don't make 'em for mentally ill people that's why.
I've read every father's day card out,
there like, world's greatest dad,
and because of you my life turned out like this.
But there's not a father's day card out there that says
you hear every voice in the world except mine.
Happy father's day papa.
[laughs]
My dad got schizophrenia, y'all know what that is?
That's good cause before nobody would know what it is.
I'm glad to see we're making improvements
in the mental health conversation,
you know.
You know the hardest part about schizophrenia?
Spelling schizophrenia.
[laughs]
You look crazy as fuck trying to spell that shit
in your head, you know what I mean.
It's tough, a tough word to spell.
I won't be embarrassed about it
like I wanted to bring awareness to it a long time ago
but it's hard to bring awareness to some shit you can't spell.
[laughs]
I'd be frustrated.
People would be like hey man what's wrong with your dad?
I'd be like, man, man, I wish this n**** had AIDS,
it would be so much easier.
[laughs]
I tell you my dad got AIDS, it's just so easy to explain,
you'll be like your dad was having fun,
schizophrenia that's a whole different ball game.
You can't even argue with a schizophrenic
without looking crazy yourself.
Like my dad would do shit, he was saying shit about me
that wasn't true and I'm trying to defend myself
but the person that he told that shit don't even exist,
so I look crazy.
Fucked up.
We all know how to deal with mental health
as a community.
We don't trust the health care,
we are too broke we don't trust the mother fuckers
they send us to.
So we end up going where? To the church,
they don't know what the fuck to do.
I'll be like hey man, something wrong with my dad's head,
he got mental issues.
They'd be like well, I'm gonna pray for him,
oh, okay, you do that.
That's what we tried to do and n**** shit got worse.
[laughs]
We lean on the church too much,
well did you try to take your dad to church n****?
You want me to tell the n**** who had delusions
about shit that ain't real
to a place where n**** worship some shit...
[laughs]
...that might not be real.
[laughs]
You know how crazy that's gonna look to my dad?
This n**** walking in church and shit,
he's seeing n**** whooping and hollering to heaven
and the holy ghost and fucking passing out and shit.
Jesus hanging up on the mother fucking cross,
and it's a white Jesus at that.
This n**** hanging there, and everyone whooping
and hollering and praising, crying and shit.
My dad gonna be like god what the hell going on here?
God, damn times have changed.
Are we lynching white people now?
Why is a white man up there on that thing?
[laughs]
Yeah again what you all gonna use rope?
Y'all just nailed the n**** up there like that?
[laughs]
Y'all mother fuckers crazy in here.
I'm about to get the hell out of here.
I'll take some of this wine though before I leave.
[laughs]
The thing is for some...
you know, if my dad knew something was wrong
whether he would say something.
Like hey son, there's something wrong with my mind,
and some time I'm gonna act a little erratic
so watch out for me.
But he didn't, he thought everybody else was crazy
and trying to convince him he was crazy
which made him not trust people even more.
And the part is we are all kind of crazy,
we are, we just don't admit shit.
That's the crazy part, we don't admit shit,
we don't admit when we're sad, we don't admit to a lot of shit,
and they don't teach us this shit in school.
They teach us all types of shit, except shit we really need
to use every day like how to deal with anxiety,
how to deal with depression, how to deal with sadness.
Nobody told us how to masturbate.
[laughs]
They didn't!
We had to go on a journey to learn how to be masters.
We was regular [inaudible] there first.
And it's weird cause the first time my dick got hard,
I was in class.
I didn't know what to do, I started sweating,
I was panicked, I had anxiety.
I felt something I never felt before and I panicked.
I just took my book and put it in my lap,
and that was the first time I took all my emotions
and pushed them down.
[laughs]
They don't teach us that man.
You start off, you go harming, we're going home,
I don't know what to do.
I was nervous,
my body was feeling different.
I took my mama's sofa cushion, folded it in half,
and put my dick in it.
[laughs]
Thinking that would help but I just ended up with rub burn.
I'm on that journey, you know what I mean?
It's just a bater mistake.
I'm trying to figure shit out.
I'm trying to like use Vaseline. I'm like man it's too thick.
You know what I mean, I'm using lotion,
this too [inaudible], a conditioner, it's too oily.
I'm just trying to work through some shit.
[laughs]
Then I'm in my 20's, I'm using my hand,
and I'm like man do I like it this way,
or do I like it this way,
or do I wanna rub it like a genie lamp?
By the time I'm 35, I'm a master at this shit,
I'm hitting myself from the back.
I'm like boop, boop, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap.
[laughs]
I'm a master now, you know what I mean?
[laughs]
This chick told me her grandmother told her
you gotta learn how to please yourself.
That way you can teach a man how to please you.
That's a grandmother, a woman being vulnerable
to another woman, to teach them the game.
My grandfather couldn't do that shit.
He's old school man, he couldn't be vulnerable enough
to tell his grandboys how to please themselves.
He tried to trick us.
He was like look at you little n****
with your little dirty ass dicks.
[laughs]
Ain't no girl gonna let you put their dirty ass shit
in their, ugh.
You gotta clean that shit.
Well how do you, how do you clean it grandad?
Well this is what you do look, don't use no rags,
you take a bunch of soap, put that shit in your hand
and lather it up real good and you clean that shit
till you finish.
[laughs]
Grandad, how do you know you've finished?
Well he couldn't even be vulnerable,
he was like oh, oh you will know.
He walked off.
[laughs]
And died,
those was his last words to his grandsons!
[laughs]
You ask a girl how she learns how to masturbate,
it's the most simple complicated shit in the world.
Asked a chick when the first time you came?
How did it happen?
She was like oh I was in the tub man on my back
and my legs were in the air
and the faucet well it was hitting my clit.
N****, when was the last time
as a man you was in the tub on your back
with your legs in the air letting the water cascade
on your dick?
[laughs]
Never! [inaudible]
Then she said she took water,
threw it all on the bathroom floor,
all on her little ass tiles
and she was rubbing her clit on the tiles like a seal,
[imitates seal]
and she just started cranking them cums out
like that and I was like oh, shit.
This gonna be hard as fuck to make you cum.
She was like you can eat my pussy,
I was like oh I ain't no bathroom floor pussy.
That's how you get athlete foot tongue.
[laughs]
Shit!
What I'm saying is that they just don't teach us this
in school.
Like when was the last time you used
fucking Pythagorean theorem.
[laughs]
Exactly!
But I bet you jacked off this week.
[laughs]
And I bet you were sad when you finished.
[laughs]
I'm learning how to deal with my sadness the older I get.
Cause I've realized that life is full of ups and down.
Life is full of ups and down, it's a cycle to it
and we enjoy the ups, we gotta enjoy the downs.
We're never taught how to enjoy the downs.
Before when I would get sad, my home boy called,
hey n**** you wanna hang out?
And I go hang out with him, make him sad.
[laughs]
Now when he call, nah n**** I'm gonna stay at the house
and mope,
and it's okay to be at the house by yourself and moping,
and don't shower and really let yourself go,
where the fucked up ass boxers and one sock
and just walk around the house, and cry.
You know what I mean?
That's something dudes, we don't do enough of.
Just have a real snotty ass cry and just wipe your shit
with your whole forearm, you know what I mean?
Really feel it, time is different when you're sad,
it slows up.
And is there for a reason, let you know something is wrong.
And we deal with that shit,
and we're quick to try to get out of sadness,
and just pop out of it and go back.
No we've gotta take baby steps to get out of sadness,
small successes till you get your confidence back.
That's when I shave,
burn sage, clean clutter out of my closet.
Start to cut my fingernails,
shave my balls.
[laughs]
Ain't nothing more present than shaving your balls.
You know what? You got a razor in one hand,
you've got the future mankind in the other,
you got your nutskin stretched all the way out
till they look like batwings.
[laughs]
Lot of dudes looking down
cause they all don't wanna admit that they shave their nuts,
cause it's such a vulnerable thing, you know what I mean?
You know what I mean?
To shave your balls, you know how vulnerable you gotta be
to shave your balls.
First off you ain't got shit on on the bottom.
Ain't shit on,
you've got your leg hiked up on the toilet like this.
You've got a t-shirt on for no reason
but the shirt tucked under your chin.
[laughs]
And you're just trying to go at it, you know what I mean?
And the nut shape shift, did you know that Susan?
The nuts change shape.
If it's cold outside, it's easy it's like shaving a U.
But if it's hot outside,
man that's like shaving a fucking cursive W.
[laughs]
You gotta deal with sadness
cause if you don't deal with sadness,
it turns into depression. That's a whole other beast.
Depression is a whole beast that gotta be dealt with.
I remember I was working,
like I had a different job before this,
and I remember I was passing a playground.
It was kids on a playground, they were just skipping.
Yeah! Yeah!
And they was having fun, different races,
different genders, hanging out with one another.
They didn't give a fuck, they would get dirty,
get up, they'd wipe their shit on their clothes.
Looking in their eyes, they were free,
they were free.
And I remember looking at them
like damn what happened to that feeling?
I used to feel like that, I know but what happened
to that feeling of freedom?
And I felt down.
I got a cut on my forearm,
cause I couldn't handle whatever the fuck was going on,
so I decided to cut my forearm
and deal with the pain,
cause I couldn't handle the pain inside,
so I created an external pain.
Most people got multiple cuts on their arm,
I only got one, cause I learned from that one,
cause I used the butter knife and that was the wrong knife.
[laughs]
I'm like I'm too dumb for this shit,
I'm just sawing, I'm like something ain't right.
Something ain't right.
[laughs]
But I learned when I'm depressed
I'm really thinking about myself.
I feel like there's no hope,
I feel like I'm either being punished by the universe
or I'm in a hole I can't get out of,
but I realize I'm being selfish at that moment,
and I didn't realize that till one time I was in that hole
and was doing the holidays and I fed the homeless people
for the first time
and I no longer was thinking about myself.
I went from being like helpless to helping others,
and all that helplessness went away
because I became a part of this big collective,
and that's my cheat code.
If you're ever feeling down like that, that's what you do.
Don't think about your circumstance,
call somebody else, give them a ride to the store,
help an old lady across the street,
do whatever you gotta do.
We all can be a part of this big collective,
cause if not depression can turn into the worst thing,
which is suicide.
A lot of celebrities kill themselves
cause they spend so much time being somebody else.
They ain't dealt with themselves.
Every time I see a celebrity
or somebody I think [inaudible] killed themselves,
I wanna know why,
cause I'm like man if you're successful,
and you killed yourself,
what the fuck am I going to work every day for?
[laughs]
I can just end that shit right now.
And I wanna know why for selfish reasons too.
Like there was a lady worth $400 million dollars
and she hung herself. I got mad as hell.
[laughs]
Do you know why?
Cause that's how n**** in prison killed themselves.
Poor people kill themselves by hanging,
that's why they take the shoe strings out
of prisoners shoes so they can't hang themselves.
You're worth $400 million dollars bitch, be creative.
[laughs]
Put on that squirrel suit and just be out there like boom,
hit them that way, you know what I mean?
[bell] It's over, bitch.
I was in San Francisco
and in San Francisco they got this bridge
called the Golden Gate Bridge, I don't know if you heard of it?
But on this bridge they've got phones,
where if you're sad and you're thinking about killing yourself,
you can call and talk to somebody.
And them said and make them wanna kill themselves.
[laughs]
It's called a suicide helpline,
who the fuck is that helping?
We need two n**** who are proud to talk to each other,
that's why I wanna create a suicide hot line,
fuck a helpline, a hot line, that way if you're sad
and you think about killing yourself,
you can call and talk to somebody
who likes jacking off to people
who say it and wanna kill themselves.
Think about it, you calls 'em up, hello,
yeah, I'm thinking about killing myself.
Oh shit hold on, zip.
[noise] Tell me about it.
[laughs]
Yeah, my job fired me, I ain't got no money
and my girl left, what the fuck is that noise?
Oh you're shuffling your papers.
Keep going, I'm sorry, I wrote in pencil,
I'm just doing a lot of erasing over here.
Where you at right now?
Oh I'm on this bridge.
Oh shit, oh the bridge.
What are you wearing on that bridge?
Nothing cause I want 'em to be able to identify
my cold wet body.
Oh you're wet, huh.
Oh shit I'm coming.
No don't come for me.
Oh shit.
What the fuck, they hang up the phone,
they ain't even thinking about killing themselves no more.
The other mother fucker just came,
I just killed two birds with one stone.
It's true you can't kill yourself,
after somebody just busted a nut
for you thinking about killing yourself.
No, you gotta call somebody else
and be like n****, you ain't gonna believe
what the fuck just happened to me.
[laughs]
I just gave you a reason to live.
Now you got a story to tell.
We gotta get better at dealing with emotions man.
Some people drugs to cover up their emotions.
Like I waited a long time to do drugs.
I was nervous if I tried drugs I'd become addicted to 'em
cause I've got addicts in my family.
My dad he had crack for ten years,
then I found out the reason he was doing crack
wasn't to get high,
he had a mental illness that he wasn't able to deal with,
so he was trying to mask it,
he was trying to hide that shit,
because the church didn't help him at all.
And sometimes when the church don't help,
you go to the streets,
so I try that shit,
the problem is I'm a lightweight.
Most of my friends been doing like drugs and shit for 20 years
and I'm the n**** that needs adult supervision
when I drink white wine
cause like this mother fucker on the Pino Grigio again,
he's getting emotional.
[laughs]
They'd be in the club, they'd be on Hennessey and Vodka
and be ready to fight like,
we're gonna fuck those mother fucker ups,
and I'm in the back all sensual like man y'all go ahead.
I'm just gonna stay here and rub myself.
They turned up, I'm turned on, you know what I mean?
You gonna see the n**** in the club dancing on beat,
just rubbing his thighs together,
they're playing track music,
there's me in the back singing this shit,
thinking jacking off with no hands
that's all he doing.
[laughs]
That's why he got his hands up.
He's a guilty little mother fucker, he like y'all go ahead.
[laughs]
I tried ecstasy one time and I almost fucked a dog.
That ever happened to anybody?
Cause they can't see [inaudible]
most drugs sneak up on you like uh oh my nipples getting hard,
I think the white wine about to sneak in.
The ecstasy was like a drug raid,
it was just like boom,
next thing getting move it's getting fucked. And
I look in the corner and a little dog tucked his tail
between his legs. I was like that n**** moved.
[laughs]
I was like man I need something more natural than this man.
All this synthetic man made shit,
you got anything that grows from the earth that I could do?
Didn't I try weed, but I don't like the way weed make me think.
I'm like man if Harriet Tubman had a Fitbit,
how many steps do you think she would have altogether?
[laughs]
She gotta have the biggest badge out there,
you know what I mean?
she's short too, so that's a whole bunch of steps.
[laughs]
Three, creek.
They used to make Fitbit for n****
One step forward, two steps back.
N**** been walking for ten years like god damn,
I only got 500 steps.
I'm like it don't matter you're in prison,
keeping walking, god damn.
You keep trying, you'll find your drug of choice.
I was in the desert one night and trying some shrooms.
[air blowing]
[scream]
Took the fuck off.
Bro' I walked in the desert a black man and came back out
a human being, you know what the fuck I'm saying?
It makes sense?
Like being a black person you have thought,
you have something that comes with that,
you know the black experience comes with being black.
I find a restaurant and they ain't serving me
and they taking too long.
I'd be like man they're taking too long cause I'm black.
But the human experience is like man they're taking too long
because they're black.
[laughs]
Does that make sense?
The victimized part of it was gone.
Everything felt different, the wind,
I remember when I felt the breeze
and it lay onto this tree and all the leaves in the trees
were just fluttering just like this right here.
But to you this is like a gold piece of shit
fluttering in the wind.
But all these was talking to one another
and they spoke their own languages,
and I was like these leaves are people.
The stems are their family, the branches are their culture
and the trunk all the way to the ground.
I was like oh shit we come from the same source.
We just branched out over the years.
It's amazing.
I took one step forward and I was like holy shit,
this leg is in the future.
[laughs]
And this leg is in the past.
And this is the present, oh shit.
The past, present and future is all one.
I discovered time traveling.
Future, future, past, past, past, future,
future, past, past.
Slavery, future, future.
Anxiety,
present,
trauma,
present.
Holy shit,
I realized how important the present was.
I no longer had anxiety,
cause anxiety is worrying about the future.
I never had trauma,
cause that's in the past,
so I was just able to play.
I was skipping around I felt free for the first time,
I was like little kids, woah.
I felt good skipping round the desert and shit.
I felt one with the world.
I understood where love was.
I was connected to the every living thing,
even the god damn sea turtles.
I met the creator,
felt like God was the ocean.
Each one of us is just tiny little waves,
a part of this whole big collective.
It was amazing,
it was beautiful.
And I was like you know how many n**** I know
that don't feel free right now.
I got to save these mother fuckers.
The way I feel
this will solve a lot of our problems,
cause we spend a lot of time in the past
instead of looking forward, instead of being here right now.
I was like I gotta just let my people go,
I gotta save my people,
and I started trying to convince n**** to do shrooms.
[laughs]
N**** scared as fuck of doing schrooms
and I'm like man I must be coming with that new born again
Christian energy.
Yo, meet somebody who just got baptized,
and you're like hey brother let me tell you about our lord
and savior, Jesus Christ.
And you're like oh n****, I'm good.
[laughs]
That's how I am with the schrooms,
I'm like n****, I just been to the past, present and future
and guess what, it's here, it's now.
Let me take you there.
And n**** like n****,
I ain't trying to go to the past,
you know what the fuck happened to us in the past?
I definitely ain't trying to go to the future,
look, I ain't paid my rent this month.
Ain't no telling how far I'm gonna be behind
in the future you know what I mean.
I think I'm just gonna smoke this weed
and stay right here.
I feel safe, woah, woah, oh shit, what is that?
And I realized
trying to convince n**** to do this shit,
that if this was any other n****,
they wouldn't entertain them.
When you talk like this and your dad's schizophrenic.
They'd be like oh n****, you sound like your dad.
[laughs]
And I'm free, I'm like no n****,
you think the government are trying to put microchips
in the vaccine,
you sound like my dad.
We all been divided by some shit,
we arguing over shit that don't make sense.
You got people over here who think they're free
arguing with these people who think they're free,
but none of 'em free.
Somebody planned this.
They separating us on purpose.
The base of the pyramid is as strong as god damn shit
of the pyramid.
Whether you're free is a problem
cause they say you're crazy,
and I was like maybe you're right.
I am the son of a schizo.
If me and my dad had get it to it before,
and I'd be like man this mother fucker tripping,
but after I'd had these schrooms,
I was like oh he just tripping.
He just on another plane.
It's true.
People try to knock me off my game.
I don't see the world the same no more.
I see patterns and civilization and shit,
you know what this chick told me, I don't give a fuck
about the Me Too movement, I'm black first
then I'm a woman, and I was like damn that's intense.
I'm a... I'm black first,
she was like what are you n****?
I was like man I'm black third.
[laughs]
What the fuck are you saying? What are you first?
I'm a spiritual being sent here to have a human experience.
What are you second? I'm a man second.
Why the fuck are you gonna say you're a man second?
Cause I had man thoughts before I had black thoughts.
[laughs]
When I have gas,
I don't be like man I go to that fucking cheese
fucking with n**** again.
Why on [inaudible]
this shit is fucked up.
All stomachs matter.
[laughs]
I don't.
When I see titties, I have man thoughts.
I'd be like...
[babbles]
[laughs]
They're really baby thoughts but they are mans.
[laughs]
She got mad, she couldn't handle that shit.
She kept trying to convince me
that I was something that I left.
She's like you're still a n**** when they see you.
The cops see you, they ain't gonna see your spirit,
they'll see you as a n****.
What happens when the police pull you over?
You still gonna be spiritual, ha a spiritual n****?
I was like yeah.
Police pulled me over, you know why I pulled you over?
Who says you pulled me over officer?
[laughs]
How do know our paths weren't meant to cross
at this very moment?
And I didn't pull you over.
[laughs]
That'd scare the fuck out of police.
They'd Taser me just out of fear along, like...
[imitating Taser sound]
bearing in mind the Taser will give me energy.
Oh shit back at you officer.
He'll be even more scared sitting back up.
We've got a free one running around.
Stay outside the matrix.
[laughs]
We got to think different, we're always beefing about shit.
It don't matter what it is.
It could be vaccines, it could be race,
it could be fucking the generational shit.
Beefing with your grandfather, this generation, y'all in shit.
Y'all ain't men no more, y'all weaker.
Every time a new generation come out, y'all less masculine.
Oh really, oh really.
That's been happening since the beginning of time.
As soon as that first ape, that primate,
you're saying that Neanderthals
came in with no hair with their little fucking cheetah dress on
with that one strap.
[laughs]
Look at that, look at this shit ooh ooh, ooh.
You know they don't wanna be called primates no more,
they wanna be called Neanderthals now.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Men used to wear wigs back in the day, you know that shit?
Like real men wore wigs.
Tough n****.
I can go nowhere with my homeboys dressed like this,
they'd be like men where the fuck do you think
you're going without your wig on?
[laughs]
Put your wig on, you look gay as fuck without your wig.
Don't put no [inaudible] on,
put the puffy shit on with all the fucking curls
at the top and that braid in the back
with the ribbon on the end of that bitch.
There you go doll you look gangster as fuck now.
Eh.
Take them pants off, but them knickers on n****.
Them short pants, with them long stockings
and take off the tennis shoes, put them black shoes on
with the gold buckle on the front
and the heel on the back and make your calf muscles pop,
like you be [inaudible] shit.
There you go doll.
Take off that hoody,
put that shirt on with the ruffles around the neck.
[laughs]
That shit be floating in the wind
when you do your [inaudible] walk and shit.
And put that [inaudible] jacket on
with the tight buns [inaudible],
N**** we're about to go to ball with these bitches.
[laughs]
[inaudible] they didn't go to bars.
They went to balls, it was elegant
when they [inaudible], they had their fucking mole painted on.
Lip gloss popping, wig, they shake the [inaudible] out.
[inaudible]
Music playing, it was a vibe, the original beat, not Cardi B.
Beethoven playing in there, bitch.
They walk [inaudible] in the dance floor,
put out their glasses with one glass,
and look for some chicks to take back to the [inaudible].
[inaudible] on that thing that's what they did.
Women didn't have intercourse on their first date,
take them back to their stagecoach.
They weren't being boozy back then the ladies,
they just wore too many pair of underwear that's all.
They had on bras, bustiers, croissants, all types of shit.
They were hiding that mother fucker
and songs were 17 minutes long, there was no twerking going on.
You can't twerk for 17 minutes with eight pair of underwear on.
You would get a yeast infection off that bitch.
That's why when they would dance,
they would waltz like this, let their thing air out.
You see that boom, boom, get the air in there, oof, woof.
They'd look each other in the eye,
and have conversations.
Damn, girl you're thick as hell in that dress.
Where the fuck are you from?
How many slaves your family own?
Run that Beethoven game,
gotta get back to that stagecoach.
Take out the long white glove,
[laughs]
go under that underwear,
over that underwear, under the underwear,
over the underwear, under the underwear,
over the underwear,
feel a lot of pubic hair,
splash.
Pull the hand out,
put the long white gloves back on,
and smell it through the glove, mm.
Rotisserie.
[laughs]
I don't know what pussy smelt like back then,
mm, hickory.
Need a good strong outdoorsy woman.
Got tailed by the glove in the viscose,
the moistness as it seeps through the leather,
that's how my granddad used to describe pussy.
Like grandson I want some good sweet pussy.
I'm like damn grandad, why do you blink your eyes like that?
[laughs]
That's a different generation of men,
they would make noises when they talked about pussy.
They'd be like mm, mm, mm.
[laughs]
Shit, grandad you can still taste it.
How sweet was that pussy.
That's why my generation got diabetes right there.
I'd wanna light one of them man.
My dad liked women.
He'd get that look in the eyes like a kids have.
When he would see women
they would get in that playful mode.
I'd be, well I'd be always calm and shit,
maybe free, I could never be that free.
See my dad hollering at women, I'd be like damn why the fuck
can you be so free? Why can't I be that free?
Why was I robbed?
What was I robbed of?
And I was like oh my babysitter sucked my dick when I was 10.
So it changed the whole trajectory.
You tell a woman, and they'd be like you was,
you was sexually abused
and like how I was abused when she sucked my dick?
You always get a women's side of the story
but you never hear the guy's side of the story.
The shit that happened to dudes, as we got egos.
We roll with that shit then on the way home
we'd be like man what the fuck just happened?
I remember the first time I was farted on.
It fucked me up.
It came out of nowhere, that was my personal 9/11.
[laughs]
I'll never forget.
This chick was on top of me, she was riding me,
we was having sex, y'all know what that is right?
[laughs]
All of a sudden she got this intense look in her eye.
I'm a gentleman, I got concern, I lean forward,
she pulled back, her pussy's spread over like a cobra,
and shot venom out, I was like what the fuck.
I was shocked cause in my mind hey I'm supposed to be squirting
on you.
A woman taking this equality shit too god damn far.
And she kept doing it, scoop, scoop, scoop.
I felt bad for the mattress.
We're banging away the fuck, I could flip this mattress over
and save it.
This shit memory foam is a sponge and now tush tush.
And my ego was like n**** do something,
you losing do something.
I panicked, I didn't know what to do.
I looked that chick in the eye and I was like eh I want you
to squirt in my mouth and she was like what,
and I was like what?
[laughs]
And that Pino Grigio was like tell her n****, you tell her.
And I was like you heard me and she was like okay,
and this is how I felt a gangster women was,
you know what she did?
She bounced twice, she was like pow, pow,
and she got up and she leaned over me and she started hitting
something like I don't know what women hit but it hit this,
like a combination or cheat code or some shit,
but she hit in two minutes what it took me 30 minutes
to hit just like up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right,
B, A, of it.
[drowning]
She water-boarded me.
[laughs]
I took a warm ice bucket challenge that night
and almost drowned.
That's when I realized sex ain't safe.
Like you could die from sex even with a condom on,
that shit ain't safe, did you know that?
Found that night that didn't I almost god damn suffocated
doing some shit I saw on the internet,
called face sitting. You know what face sitting is?
[laughs]
Church lady, do you know what face sitting is?
Praise God, praise God.
[laughs]
Face sitting for those who don't know
is when the chicks sit on your face
instead of your dick,
this chick had an ass and real thick thighs,
so when she leaned over and hovered down,
everything went quiet
and dark if I put on giant noise canceling headphones,
like I'm in airplane mode, like a mother fucker.
I can't communicate and shit and I'm trying to,
I'm like beating on her thighs, and she is riding hard and shit,
and I'm yelling but the sound was muffled.
I'm like help, help, help, help, help, help, help.
But she couldn't hear me cause the words were bouncing
in her pussy and back into my mouth.
I was eating my own words.
And that's when I felt weak like I'm about to faint,
like I'm about to die, I thought about that phone call
my mum would get,
where she found out what the fuck face sitting is.
[laughs]
Cause she gotta come to the morgue
and they pull me out of that filing cabinet like yes man.
You could tell he was face sitting
because his mouth is open and his eyes are closed,
and he got a substance on his ace
that they call truffle butter.
Truffle butters when the juice from the pussy
and the ass mix together in a butter like substance.
Don't oh that, they sell it in restaurants.
It's expensive as shit!
[laughs]
Either way that's what gave me the strength
to get that mother fucker off me
cause I refused to go out like that.
Having my mum explain to her church friends
what the fuck face sitting is.
Walking around morning with an all black t-shirt on
with I can't breathe on it.
[laughs]
I wanna thank you all from the bottom of my heart
for watching my super bowl.
[ovation]
Thank you.
God bless you all man for real.
I know it's passed your bed time.
This is late for some of you all, you know what I mean?
This is a realistic hour,
I love it, shit got real at this hour.
Ain't no thinking going on once you get passed 11 o'clock baby.
All the drugs come out and pants come down...
okay no, there's church women in here.
My mum is in here somewhere man, shout out to my momma.
[claps]
You think how the fuck can you talk like this
in front of your mama?
N****, this life is real n****,
we've been through some shit.
I always felt that if you can't speak this way
in front of your mama,
then somethings wrong, like you're fake.
Like even when I was hustling my mum knew
cause a lot of y'all put faith in n****
that even don't come and get you when the police come,
but I know my mum was gonna be there, you know what I mean,
so I always let her know what the fuck was going on,
she knew, she knew, she had to know you know.
So, you know, she was a young mother,
she went through a lot,
so you know I won't give her her flowers a lot,
but I really appreciate you.
Thank you mama you know what I mean.
Regardless to what I think and all we went through
you know I've had a great great you know ending so far,
you know what I mean so I appreciate that,
and you know thank you.
[ovation]
[inaudible]
["Been Down" playing]