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I think I might have, uh, BPD.
That's, uh, Black Panther Disorder.
Man, you guys are so lucky, man. You guys are blessed.
Y'all almost had Covid tonight, dawg.
'Cause I thought I had it about four days ago.
I was like, "You know what? I still need that 100 bucks, I'm still gonna perform."
Oh, my God.
I got to make that money, baby.
This phone bill ain't gonna pay itself. You know what I mean?
I was going to tell y'all it was it was because of, like, my cough.
I was gonna say, uh, it's because of my ass.
Thing is, I ain't got ass, my dawg.
I had a common cold. I had a common cold, dawg.
People abandoned the common cold. I was like, "Fuck that, bro."
I lost 12 pounds with a common cold.
My friends are like, "Oh, wow, Rasheed, you look really good. Bro, what you been doing?"
Like, "Bro, I got this common cold, bro. You got to try it."
Got somebody like, "Damn, bro, you..."
I started flexing on Instagram too, though.
Hashtag you gotta get into the gym hard, bro. This is what you can do.
Like, "Bro, let me get that recipe. I'll pay 500 bucks for it."
I'm like, "Bro, come over here and get this common cold, bro."
I got you. Smear it all over your face.
Thank God I didn't have Covid though, man.
Thankful for that.
'Cause I--
It did work good for my weight. The comical look. I'm trying to get back in tip top shape.
Like right before Covid started, I was ripped up from head to toe, like 14% body fat.
I had a four pack. I could have had a six pack, but I'm humble as fuck.
Y'know what I mean? The six pack was kind of like,
"No, dawg. Give that to somebody else, bro."
I'm like, "Fuck, bro, don't need no six pack, that's for assholes."
All the humble people got four packs or less.
Me, Tom Hanks, Forest Whitaker, bro, all of us.
We humble as fuck, bro.
The fuck, we needed a six pack.
Only reason I wanna lose weight too, though, man.
I've got into an argument with homeless dude, real story.
Only in LA this could happen.
We was arguing about who was the greatest basketball player of all time.
Michael Jordan or LeBron James.
Of course I said LeBron James,
because it's the truth, and I, I'm good at arguments.
He got mad. He got so-- He just like,
"Hey, man, why don't you shut the fuck up and sit down with your child bearing hips."
I'm like, "Whoa!"
My hips?
My hips, bro.
I'm like, "Bro, you could have kissed my girl in her mouth, you could've smacked my mama.
"But don't talk about my hips, bro. What you mean?"
Those are fighting words on the street, bro. My hips.
I got insecure. I started doing those things that women do.
And I was like, " Never again will you talk about my fucking hips, bro."
I've been insecure as fuck.
Like we don't play where I'm from, man.
I'm originally from Atlanta, Georgia.
Not from LA, from Atlanta.
Thank you so much for that.
I grew up very poor, man.
Grew up in the hood. It was hard growing up in the hood with a father, man. It was tough.
It was a lot of pressure, a lot of pressure.
'Cause I'm always hearing the narrative.
"It was so hard growing up without a father." Shut up.
Nobody had no expectations for you, dawg.
Try growing up with a dad.
My dad was over my shoulder every night while I was doing my homework.
And I'd be crying.
He'd be like, "Shut up. Before I give you something to cry about."
I was like, "Man, my teacher said you're not supposed to be here statistically, dawg."
Y'know what I mean?
My teacher said that.
Yeah.
My dad encouraged my twin brother and I to play sports to stay out of trouble.
I naturally gravitated towards football.
Is the most aggressive sport I can think about.
But whatever anger I had for my father, I took it out on the football field.
And I play safety.
I'm the guy that hits the guy that's running the ball.
My dad pissed me off on Thursday, we had a game on Friday.
The receiver came across the middle.
I hit him hard. Pow! I was like, "Ooh, you go to bed now, you go to bed!"
Hmm, I even brushed my teeth, dawg.
I was having therapy on that football field.
I let this dude named Jacob convinced me that the reason
why I had not reached my full potential was because my father was overly supportive.
I was like, "Bullshit."
He's like, "Bro, your dad is too supportive."
I'm like, maybe he got a point.
'Cause usually my routine would be, I would go from football to basketball
to track, like all the sports that black fathers come to support.
I said, "Next, I'm gonna squish that shit up."
I went from football to wrestling.
Why wrestling?
Because wrestling has 136 matches.
I was like, "Ain't no way in hell my father gonna come 136 wrestling matches."
You know this nigga came to all 136 wrestling matches.
I'm like, "Bro, come on. You tripping. You're fucking up my potential, bro."
At every game and practices, man? Come on.
I always believe in bringing dark situations to light too, y'know.
I lost my mom when I was 11 years old.
We was too poor to bury her, so the state of Georgia buried her.
She has no headstone or nothing.
I can't make this up.
The guy at the cemetery said, "Oh, your mom's buried somewhere in a 400-yard radius."
"If you find her, let me know."
I went to my mother's grave site one day when when I was sad on her birthday.
I'm like, "Mom. I really wish you was here. I really miss you."
Somebody tapped me on the shoulder and was like, " Hey, man,
I think your mom's over there." I was like, "Oh, okay."
That is fucked up.
After while I got frustrated, so I started skipping a certain way.
"Mom, if you was here just tap me on the foot or something."
It's funny.
It doesn't...
It's my mama. My dad and my mama, okay?
You know what's crazy though, man?
In the state of Georgia, if you don't get your loved one a headstone after five years,
-they start stacking the bodies on top each other. Yeah. -Oh.
-Like a massive gravesite. -That is fucked up.
It is. So I'm going to give my mother really big headstone one day.
It's going to say, "... Stephens.
"And all the miscellaneous people on top of her, all you guys, rest in peace."
Stacks on stacks, baby.
Is this new age segregation all over again? I tried...
Trying to go to the bathroom, the door of the bathroom said, "Vaxxers only."
Dude, stopped me at the door, he goes like, "Uh-uh, not so fast, buddy.
"This here, bathroom is for vaxxers only.
"You'd better keep your own vaccinated ass off that toilet seat
where you get what's coming to you."
Nigga.
And this dude was black, so I'm just confused, like shit has got--
This shit has got a nigga going crazy.
My name is Tevin Scott.
You know, I'm a filmmaker, actor and comedian.
Uh, for people that don't know myself,
you can just think of me as like, the male Issa Rae.
Or like-- Or like, the black Donald Glover.
I'm a real nigga. That's what that means.
I'm a real nigga that happens to be a little bit trans.
Before I let you all know, I'm not--
I'm not like a trans man or a trans woman.
I am a trans nigga.
A trigga.
Which one on y'all--
I'm non-binary.
Y'all know what that means? Clap if you know what non binary means.
Okay.
A lot of people don't-- A lot of people are confused about who we are, what we're fighting for.
Most people think it's about pronouns, but you know I'm black,
I'm not worried about getting misgendered, I'm worried about getting mistaken as a suspect.
Now that I wear shit like this, nigga,
they don't suspect a thing.
Yeah. We walking around like, "Hey, Officer, stop! Don't shoot!"
Hey, black men, start painting your nails.
Look, they will not shoot you if you look like this, y'know.
See this first ... nail job, y'know.
Y'know, I'm a--
Let's start learning-- Well, really, I don't really believe in gender.
I don't believe in gender roles or nothing like that.
And I'm like, more into on feminine side, y'know.
I learned this about myself in a recent relationship. I was with this girl, right?
She was like, "Tevin, I get a lot of feminine energy from you,
and I feel like if we was on a date, and eight niggers try to harass us,
"I'd feel like I was with one of my girlfriends.
"So what would you? What would you do?"
I was like, "Well, shit.
"You feel like I'm your girlfriend, then bitch we both running motherfucker"
Also, I don't know who you think gonna protect you from eight dudes.
Like who do you think I am? Jackie Chan, bitch?
Bitch, no, we are running like we're on Rush Hour, bitch!
Carter! Run, Carter!
Carter! It's stupid.
Yeah, man, I know it's a-- It's a confusing term.
I just ask that you guys give us the same patience
and understanding that you give to Starbucks.
Y'know, 'cause Starbucks has been using confusing terms for years, y'know.
You go to Starbucks and order a tall drink,
they gonna give you the smallest cup in that bitch.
That don't make no sense.
Tall things are tall and small things are small, right?
Not at Starbucks.
Men are men and women are women, right?
No, in 2022 some niggas is bitches and some bitches is niggas.
And me, I'm a nigga bitch.
Told us that to this girl one day, I was like-- She was like,
"Oh, Tevin, I'm confused. I just got one question.
"You think you're a woman now? You want to cut your little dick off?"
I was like, "First of all, that was two questions.
"And second of all, how you know my dick little?
She was like, "Well is it big?"
And I was like, "Is tall."
Y'know...
I got a lot of questions now that I'm identifying--
People ask about my sexuality.
I mean, all my life I've identified as straight,
but these days I felt it's best to be lesbian.
Yeah, I'm serious. Y'all looking at me crazy.
I'm like, "No, I really about this lesbian life,
like I'm a black lesbian filmmaker. You can call me Dyke Lee.
And she's gotta have it.
I was thinking, I'm so lesbian, I'm thinking about getting me a strap.
She looking at me crazy. Like, "Why are you going to use that?
"Why don't you just use your own dick.?"
Not in this climate, mm-mm.
'Cause in this climate, I got to worry about Covid and chlamydia, y'know.
So condoms can stop chlamydia, but it's not gonna stop Covid.
But if I give you 12 inches of this 7 foot strap,
we still six feet apart.
And that's social distance...
I was working at a sex shop over the pandemic.
-What? -Yeah. So I'd write jokes by day,
and I'd sell strap-ons by night.
Told this one girl and she was like, "Oh, so you a sex worker?"
I was like, "Yeah, kind of. Sort of."
She was like "Oh, me, too. I work on Crenshaw on 69."
She was like, "I specialize in wet work."
I'm like, "Wet work, what's that?"
She said "I pee on men for money."
Oh.
I was like, "Whoa." She's like, " Yeah, it's a great paying business.
"I've got eight clients right now."
I'm like, "Hold on. You got eight men to pay you to pee on them?
"Oh, you must got multiple streams of income, huh?"
Then she asked me if I wanted to be number nine.
Girl, that pissed me off.
She's-- This is a true story.
She's was like, one of her clients would fly in from Boston all the way from LA.
All the way to LA just to get peed on.
He'd rent an Airbnb just to come get peed on.
I'm like, "Nigga, is the pee in Boston not good enough?
"Nigga, like, they don't-- They just got the regular... piss in Boston?
"You come here for the premium piss?"
This don't make no sense.
Yeah, messing with sex workers and shit, man.
This-- This is the type of people you attract
when you start dressing like this and shit, y'know.
Oh, fuck. Trying to find me a bae.
Who need a bae? A Broke Ass Entrepreneur.
If that's what you need, I'm your guy.
I'm broke as shit.
Not even-- I'm not even dating the right way...
I'm doing something different. I'm-- I'm courting.
Like in medieval time, like on Bridgerton.
Anybody watch Bridgerton?
I remember Bridgerton was like-- Like if I was--
If I was a character on Bridgerton,
I'd be Lord Tevin Scott, the Duke of Inglewood.
Your Grace, if you accept my hand in marriage,
you can come stay with me in my castle.
It's a studio apartment on Crenshaw Boulevard.
We are 12 months behind on rent, Your Grace.
But no need to worry. I applied for the rent relief.
But if we don't get it, I'm afraid we're going to have to move out
and be the Duke and the Duchess of Skid Row.
How's that sound?
I don't know what I'mma do. I've been out here six years, man.
Still trying to figure it out. Moved out here six years ago.
Had no job, no house, no car, right?
Then my girlfriend at the time, she picks me up from the airport.
She had news for me. She was like, "Tevin, I'm pregnant."
Yeah, so we had a decision to make.
Either we're going to chase our dreams or raise this baby.
We chose dreams for 500, Alex.
I'd have babies with Alex Trebek right now.
No lie. My first thought when I moved to LA was Planned Parenthood.
Nigga, we didn't plan for that shit at all.
Most people when they move to LA, their first stop is In-N-Out.
Our trip to Planned Parenthood was just like In-N-Out...
Frikkin' cheap.
MediCal is a lifesaver, for us, not the baby.
That's fucked up, but also--
Look, I'm not telling-- I'm not trying to make light of abortion here.
I'm just trying to shed light on my situation, y'know, because I don't want to be--
I want to have kids one day. I'm gonna have a very talented family.
They're gonna be great. Like the talents, like the Jacksons, y'know.
Only thing that makes me feel good about my situation
is knowing we didn't kill Michael.
We killed Tito.
She over there like,
... Hee, hee, hee, hee.
Oh, shit.
It was for good reason. I had to chase my dreams.
I'm out here chasing my dreams. I'm a filmmaker.
I got a TV show right now.
It's called The Mecca.
It's an HBCU comedy.
Anybody know about HBCUs? It's black college--
A historically black college university.
I went to Howard University.
Yeah, uh-huh.
People that don't know about Howard, I say Howard is a mystical land
where the most gifted black kids on earth go, all right? It's like Hogwarts for niggas.
Yeah. So I've pitching this series about y'know, this HBCU,
like a different world for a next generation, right?
And I got it to the top. I got it to some very important people, right?
They was like, "Tevin, we love your show.
"It's a great idea, great concept.
"We'd love to make it on one condition.
"You gotta make your character, the main character, gay."
I was like, "Word?" They was like "Yeah".
And they started pitching all this gay shit.
They was like, "Start it with your love interest
"being a woman who is going to be your roommate, right?
"And one day your roommate's gonna be getting dressed.
"And you're gonna reach over to your counter, grab a bottle of Jergens
"and start jerking off to your roommate. How's that sound?"
I'm not making this shit up.
I was like, "That don't--
"That is not authentic, in my experience at all."
I would never use Jergens.
Lube it up! Nah, I'm just playing.
Stupid.
I stopped talking to them.
I got to another group of people, that I sold the show, actually, last year sold it.
Yeah.
For a a six figure deal.
Yeah. Only bad news is we sold it to this network called Quibi.
And they are now out of business.
And I got so broke, I don't even make films no more.
I went from six figures to working at Chick-fil-A.
Making six figures with six piece nuggets, nigga.
It's a very humbling experience.
You know how humbling it is to have somebody tell you
they want you to run your own show
to having to run the drive through line at Chick-fil-A?
Nigga, that is not the move. nigga.
Trying to get better this year.
I'm in a gym. Anybody started a new gym memberships this year?
Who in the gym?
Okay.
Started, uh...
Started my Planet Fitness membership.
I don't really fuck with Planet Fitness.
Like, I go on there. They say, no judgment, nigga,
but I feel the judgment.
I'd be judging, too.
I'd be judging her ass and her ass.
I'm like, hmm, okay. Okay. You know. Niggas be judging me.
I'm on-- I got weak form. Doing the squats and--
Fuck.
My name is Caesar.
Cono, Caesar Lizardo
So yeah. Thank you very much. My name is Caesar Lizardo.
Thank you. Yes, you don't even know me.
She's like, "Whoo." Yeah. I know it's confusing.
I'm a black dude with an Italian name.
Doesn't really make sense for a lot of people.
What I like to refer to myself, as "amniguous".
You don't know what type of nigga I am.
You don't know if I'm Brazilian, Egyptian, Drake.
Y'know what I'm saying.
-I get all of it. Will Smith. -No.
Yeah. It's 'cause of the ears.
It's 'cause I'm.... Y'know what I'm saying?
I told Jada to cheat on me. The entanglement was my idea.
Y'know what I'm saying?
Oh, my God.
I'm just kidding. I love Will.
Yeah, man, I go with it. Y'know I get-- I get my race mixed all the time.
Uh, it doesn't matter to me.
I just roll the flow. You know, I be in Glendale,
and they're like, "Hey, you Armenian? I'm like, "Yeah, I'm Armenian, bro.
"Whatever, parev y'know. Put them right here."
Y'know?
I remember one time I got to the frenzy with Uber.
Uh, because uber was just getting started and I'm an idiot.
I didn't really get how it worked yet.
Uh.
And the guy, man, bless his heart.
He was so excited to see me, it was this Indian dude
was so excited to see me. I get in the car.
He's like a smile from ear to ear, just looking at me.
And I can already tell what he's thinking.
You know, he's looking at me. He's like, "Where you from, buddy?"
I just gave him what he was wants. I was like, "Oh. Me? Uh...
"Uh, I'm from India..."
Super low key, not racist at all.
He was like...
"I can tell you one hundred Indian, my friend."
He didn't say percent. One hundred Indian, right?
Y'know he keeps going on with all the India shit and I couldn't keep up.
He was like...
I was like, "Dude. Y'know, listen, man. I'm sorry.
"I was just playing. I'm not really Indian, y'know."
You can see the anguish and despair on his face.
He's like, searching for answers. He's like, "But, but...
"But your parents are from India, yes?"
I was like, "They're from Dominican Republic, actually."
"Dominican Republic. Dominican Republic.
"What part of India is this?"
I was like, "Bro, it's, it's in the Caribbean.
"Well, I mean, technically, it's in the West Indies."
"You are a West Indian guy."
... just fucking...
...I still got a phone number.
But yeah, man, I am Dominican.
My parents are from the Dominican Republic.
One of our favorite words is cono.
I don't know if you guys have heard it before.
Dominicans, Cubans, we all use it all the time.
It's like a word of exclamation, y'know, means like, damn, shit, fuck, y'know.
My dad uses it every sentence. He's been telling me my whole life,
y'know, like, "Hey, how's it going, cono? "What's going on, cono?
"Cono, I hurt my foot." Y'know?
Uh, so naturally in 2005, I get a Facebook at the ripe age of 18.
And my middle name is Cono. On Facebook. I'm Caesar Cono Lizardo.
'Cause fuck it. Why not, y'know? Like they haven't stopped me yet.
And Zuckerberg's like. "That's-- That's exotic." Y'know?
-Oh, my God. -So they haven't caught up to me here.
Until, like a month later, I get into a Facebook argument.
You know, we're arguing as you do. I was like, "Fuck you."
He's like, "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you." Right?
He's like, "You know what? I don't even understand why
"I'm arguing with a guy whose middle name means pussy."
And I was-- I was confused, right?
I was like, " What is this guy talking about?"
I was like, "That's not what it means."
He's like, "Yeah, that is what it means." I was like, "No, it's not.
"It's like a Dominican word of exclamation. Means like, damn, shit, fuck, y'know."
So, I go into the whole thing.
He's like, "No, it means like pussy, toilet, vagina."
I was like, "You know what, fuck you, guy. All right? It's 2005.
"I'm gonna mess you up with something you probably never heard of. It's called Google."
So I Googled it for him. Put it in the search bar.
C-O-O-1-6-4-N-O.
And there it is. First entry, Spanish from Spain. Slang, pussy.
I was like, "Yo. Wait a second. What?"
I was like, "That can't be right. That can't be right. I'll look at the second entrance."
"Pussy." I was like, "Wait a second." Third, fourth, fifth, pussy, pussy, pussy.
I was like, "Okay, hold on a second, y'know."
Like, I'm started to have an existential crisis.
Like, I'm starting to have flashbacks.
All the conversations I had with my dad.
Y'know, like, "Hey, how's it going on you, cono?
"Y'know, cono, my foot hurts."
But now I was like, "Hey, how's it going, pussy? What's going on, pussy?
"Pussy, my foot hurts."
Oh, my God, has my dad been calling me a pussy for 18 years?
Y'know.
So I confronted him.
I was like, "Yo, Papi , que pasa, man? What's going on? Is this really what it means?"
And I remember, he said it in the most nonchalant Dominican way possible.
He was eating a plantain, he's like, "Oh, yeah, you didn't know that?
I was like, "What? No, I didn't know!" Y'know?
He's like, "Yeah, como cono tu madre."
I was like, "Aah!"
My head exploded, y'know.
'Cause I don't know if you can translate Spanish. It sounds like you can.
Uh, like cono cu madre is pussy of your mother.
Right? It's like...
Maybe some kind of Scar-faced Dracula.
"Pussy of your mother, man. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah."
Like, damn.
Fucking crazy.
So, yeah, you can add me on Facebook. I'm Caesar Cono Lizardo.
But you know what it means.
Yeah, man, I love it. I love it.
Uh, I love my family. I'm one of the first people in my family to go to college.
And not graduate.
I didn't finish.
Uh, yeah. I'm a big dumb ass.
Yeah. Smart but so stupid. So stupid.
Uh, it's really sad, too. Like, everybody in my family is way more educated than me.
And it's crazy when you think, like,
my parents came from a third world country in the early 80s.
Came here, started from nothing.
Four jobs each.
Three kids in private school.
Now, they're all making six figures. Like, they did it right, y'know.
And like, here I am. I got a 500 credit score and I'm driving for Instacart.
It's like, they just look at me like, " Hey, man, you have no excuses, okay, cono?
"You have no excuses." That's how my dad talks.
He's always thinking. You know, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking.
"You have to ask yourself and then hope, y'know."
He's right. I don't have any excuses.
Y'know, they led by perfect example. Y'know, they got their degrees.
My sister got her degree.
I might as well just double majored in Beer Pong and Halo 3.
That's what the fuck I was doing. Uh, yeah a big waste of time.
Then my little brother-- Here's where it gets cool.
He got a full ride to Yale, right?
We're all super proud of him, right?
But then he decided to go get his Masters at University of Pennsylvania,
which is also another Ivy League.
And I was like, "Yo, bro, Bro, bro, bro, slow down, slow down.
"Bro, you making me look bad. Let me catch up, y'know."
He's like, "Caesar, you're making yourself look bad."
I was like, "Fuck, he's got me. You got me."
With that big ass, double Ivy League brain of his.
He got me, y'know.
I remember when my dad found out my brother was going to Yale,
he was confusing all of his white friends, right?
He's going around with tears in his eyes.
He was like, "My son is jail, cono."
Like, "Oh, my God, what did he do?" "He did what he had to do."
"How long is he in for?" "He's in for four years."
Can you believe it?
Yeah, man.
See, Tony Lizardo.
I'm also, uh, chocolatepapi on Instagram.
I know. Stupid name.
Follow me, please. I need the help.
I have, like, 500 followers, and I'm following 1000.
So my equity is just through the floor, y'know.
And then-- And then it's like my ego, 'cause I'm a comic,
I'm like, "These motherfuckers trying to shadow ban me.
"They don't want me to be great, y' know."
But then it's like, my insecurities just roundhouse kick me to the face.
Like, "You suck." And I'm like... "They're right."
So, yes, chocolatepapicomedy.
It is because I am chocolatey and I am a papi.
I'm a father.
I have a four-year-old daughter, as of yesterday.
I mean, I didn't just get her yesterday. She turned four yesterday.
Yeah, man. She's awesome. Her name is Mia.
I wanted to name her Daisy, though. 'Cause she's an oopsie-daisy.
We didn't plan her, y'know what I mean? But we made her with love.
We made her with love.
I'll tell you exactly how much love.
Um, to be specific, it was for sure, for sure,
the farthest skeet I've ever skeeted in my life, okay?
And I know for two reasons. I know for two reasons.
First reason is because when I busted, I went cross eyed,
and that had never happened before, all right.
And it's just the power of the explosion.
And then the second reason, is because there's a little bell in there.
If you shoot it far enough, it's like a spittoon.
So, when I busted, it was like... .
And it was like, she just came out... ...perfect.
Um...
When she grows older, and hears this, it's gonna be weird.
It's gonna be a weird conversation. But I'll like it.
Um...
Yeah, man, she's awesome.
She's a little white girl.
That's not what makes her awesome. Not trying to say that.
But her mom is why. Her mom is from Montana.
In case you were wondering how white she is.
Um...
Which is one of the top three whitest states out there, right after White-aho,
And Maine, which is mainly white people.
So, she's up there in the white hierarchy, y'know what I'm saying?
Y'know, it's pretty awesome.
Uh, because I've never had white privilege in my life. Y'know what I mean?
But now I have, like, a little-- A daughter,
who is undeniably mine. Like, if you take my stupid face
and you put it on the cutest little white girl you've ever seen, that's our dynamic.
Y'know what I mean? Y'know, it's pretty awesome.
So now it's like I'm not walking her around the mall.
She's walking me around the mall.
Like, "Look, I got a motherfucker, y'know what I'm saying?"
I'm living vicariously through her, you understand?
So I'm excited, y'know, like, I want to experience white privilege too, y'know.
Like, hopefully it's not like investing in Toys "R" Us in 2013.
Like, I got in too late, y'know.
But, y'know, I'm trying to live. I'm trying to live.
Y'know, like, I want to start sending shit back at restaurants.
I feel like that's something white people might try to get away with.
Is it? I don't know, y'know.
I'd just be like, in a restaurant, "Hey, garcon, garcon."
Start calling niggas garcon. "Garcon, yes, uh, this fish is no good.
"It's-- It's a little undercooked. Can you-- Can you send it back, please?"
"Sir, this is tuna. This is literally sushi. It..."
And, like, "Yes. No, I understand. You see my white daughter right there, right?
"Just tell the chef, he'll understand. Oh, garcon, before you leave, come back.
"This pinot grigio, it's not grigio enough. Send it back!" Y'know.
"Sir, you have to leave now."
"No, I understand. I got you."
White privilege, man.
She's incredibly smart, my daughter. She-- I'm so proud of her.
So proud of her.
Um, but she, she scares me sometimes. Like, when she was one,
she was learning how to talk.
Scared the shit out of me, okay. Because she pointed in my face,
mad aggressive and said the N word five times.
-Whoa. -Yeah.
She was like, "No, no, no, no, no."
I was like, "Mia, where'd you learn that?"
She was like, "Come on, nigga. Shit."
I was like, "Get your little ass out of here." Y'know.
She's been listening to too much Drake and Future.
Daddy's gonna have to start listening to Kidz Bop.
Oh, man.
My daughter, she's cool. Um...
I got her ballet classes for Christmas.
And I was telling my dad, I was on the phone with him,
and I was like, "Yeah, I got her ballet classes."
He's like, "Ballet classes? What? Is she gonna be parking cars or something like that?"
I was like, "Okay, you know what?
"This one's going in the notebook. Thank you very much, Papi."
Yeah.
Um...
That's how he parks cars, too.
Yeah, man. I hate politics.
I think we can all agree politics suck, right?
Uh... Like, look, they suck.
I, I think it's just ridiculous that last year I had to go vote
in a special recall election for the governor of California.
And I went, not because I felt like he's doing a good or bad job either way.
I didn't really care.
I just didn't want California to accidentally
make Caitlyn Jenner our governor, right?
'Cause she was on the ballot. That was a real possibility that could have happened.
Y'know, I was scared. I'm not gonna lie.
Y'know, Americans are dumb.- We've proven ourselves time and time again.
Uh...
So I went out there for y'all. For us. All right. Thank you.
And, y'know, Caitlyn Jenner, whatever. She's cool or whatever,
but we can all agree she's not all there, right?
She's a little nutty, right? Like where does she get the balls? I don't know.
Listen. Listen, listen.
I'mma say some shit, but I love trans people.
So don't even try to say-- Don't try to cancel me.
It might happen. It might not. I don't know, we'll figure it out.
But I'm just-- It's like, I'm trying figure out like, where she got that idea.
Like, why does she think that she was a viable candidate, y'know?
Like, was she just in the house, y'know, like, "Well, if Kanye can run for president.
"I can run for President, too, right?"
Like, I don't know if that's how she talks.
I'm just guessing.
Y'know, like...
Like, I know she changed her giblets and now has a lady box.
But I feel like she still has the same voice box. So that's how she sounds.
"If Kanye can run for president, I can..."
She realized she didn't have enough for president money, right?
Like, she got to the store. She's like, "Hey, let me get one of those presidential tickets.
"Yeah. How much?
"Half a billion dollars?
"Kanye's got half a billion? Jesus Christ.
"Well, I got 15 mil, all right? These surgeries are getting expensive.
"How much would that get me?
"A governor? Oh, okay, I'll run for governor.
"Okay, yeah. Give it to me.
"Republican? Fuck. What do you think, I'm crazy?
"Okay, yeah. Give it to me, give it to me."
Like, she ran as a Republican, people!
That's how you know she doesn't have it all there, all right. She ran as a Republican.
That's crazy to me.
Y'know, they are actively doing shit to make sure that people like her
don't do what she's trying to do.
Y'know, she should just stick to doing what she's been doing.
Just be a focal port for trans issues and, y'know, be an icon for those people
and everything, y'know, She shouldn't run for office.
She should work at the post office, okay.
'Cause this should be the ultimate transgender person.
Think about it. She'd be a female mailman...
...who's not only a postman but is post man.
Y'know what I'm saying?
And then-- And then just change her middle name to Trans.
She'll be Caitlyn Trans Jenner.
Boom! All right, that's just-- That's just beautiful.
That is beautiful.
"May be I should run for president."
Whatever. Yeah, man. Politics. Stupid.
I remember a few years ago. Maybe you guys were here.
Maybe you saw it. There was like, a transcontinental
migration of monarch butterflies in LA.
You guys remember seeing this shit?
-Yeah. -Millions of butterflies in the sky.
Right? It was beautiful, right?
-Yeah. -Um...
Yeah, right?
♪ Take a look, it's in a book... ♪
Whatever.
-Reading Rainbow. -Reading Rainbow?
Reading Rainbow, yeah. I brought it back for y'all. Mm-hmm.
Going back to these butterflies, right?
So... Yeah, man, it was crazy because when Donald Trump,
who was president at the time, found out that they were crossing the border from Mexico
to the United States, he was like, "Listen up, people.
"We gotta put an end to this right now, okay?"
"They're not bringing their best butterflies.
"They're bringing the killers, the rapists, their moths.
"All right, we got to put an end to this now.
"We're going to build a giant net in the sky.
"There'll be like a big wall.
"The butterflies are going to pay for it." Y'know what I mean?
Stupid.
Yeah, man.
Oh, man. I like weird sexual preferences.
I have some. I don't know.
I don't know if it's weird that I like feet.
So weird.
-It's a little weird. -A little weird? Eh.
-It's not weird at all. -Don't shame me.
This guy's like, "Hey, not weird at all." See? He knows.
He's like, " Don't shame me either, bro."
Maybe it's just weird that I wrote a song about it.
It goes like this.
♪ Whoo! Three, six, nine
♪ Damn her feet fine, But it doesn't mean... ♪
Jesus Christ.
I deal with all the evils of the world. Murderer, rape, thievery.
But if you accept Pfizer to your left arm, you'll still get on...
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Ha-ha.
Shit.
Where'd that come from?
That was a strangely timed laugh.
Strange.
You look cool as fuck, man.
Yeah, you look cool as fuck, man.
-I appreciate that. -You sitting here, all cool and shit.
Where you from? Chicago or something?
-Nah, Little Rock, Arkansas. -Little Rock, Arkansas.
Little Rock. My family-- I got family in Arkansas, man.
Already, already. Already, already.
Already.
I remember, back in the day, man,
when Houston was hot for like one year in hip-hop,
like Mike Jones and Paul Wall.
I remember they used to say that shit all the time.
Be like, "Already."
That was a very specific reference.
Mike Jones and Paul Wall in there. That was a very specific reference.
You probably young as fuck, probably.
You don't know what I'm-- How old--
-I'm 20. -That's why you don't know. Okay.
I be working, man. I still got a job.
I've still got one of those, y'know?
-Yeah! Yeah, oh, God! Mother-- -Oh, God.
Y'know what I'm saying?
I work in placement, man. Uh...
If you don't know what a placement is, basically,
kids get released from juvenile hall and gets them to live where I work at that,
to help with their issues, right.
And I work with a lot of gang members.
They're a fun bunch. Um...
If you don't know, every gang got disses for their hood.
And those disses will be based off of the initials or the name of that hood
Like, there's a Hispanic gang called Playboys.
And one of the disses them is peanut butter, right?
So I was at work one day.
I'm like-- I'm like, "Hey, man, why don't you pass the peanut butter?"
This kid was like, "Hey, fool. Watch that word, dawg!"
I'm like, "Man, I'm not calling you peanut butter.
"I need peanut butter for my bread."
"No, fool. Watch that word, dawg!"
I'm like, "Look, man, I don't know when your gang started,
"but it wasn't here before George Washington Carver."
Peanut butter wins.
There's this gang called Ghetto Boys, man.
So I'm here giving kids snacks. I'm like, "Hey, man, who want a granola bar?
"Hey, fool. Watch that word, dawg!"
"Hey, man, it's a granola bar. What am I supposed to call it?"
"The brand fool, Nature Valley."
Damn, man. Y'all are taking all the words, man.
Damn.
I was at work one day, man. There was a little Crip kid.
I'm like, "Hey, y'all, I'm going to the store.
"Y'all want some cookies or something?"
"Hey, watch that word, cuz!"
I'm like, "What? Cookie?"
"No, my nigga, thug."
I'm like, "Y'all can't have the whole English language, man."
"It's not yours. It's white people's."
Mother--
"They conquered us all. And now we all speak English."
These kids be having fucked up lives, man.
We had this one, kid. We had one kid, this dude, he uh-- All his--
All his teeth was rotting out from smoking too much meth.
And he had two kids and genital herpes.
Guess how old he was?
-Eighteen? Oh, no. -Fifteen.
This kid needs to die already, man,
Life ain't for him, clearly.
Life is not for him.
God needs to reset.
If reincarnation is real, he'll get another chance.
Guy gotta go, dawg.
You know? Be careful. Don't fall out of that chair.
Actually, do fall off the chair. 'Cause that means I'm fucking killing that shit.
Do fall-- Please fall off your chair.
I'll stop them out their chairs, literally.
We got-- We got a 288 unit, man. Those are the sex offenders.
Yeah, man, I love working with the sex offenders, man.
Because they're docile, y'know. If I got to choose between
working with some angry, annoying ass gang members,
or some kid who touched his sister, but ain't giving me no problems,
I'm choosing an easy day at work.
"Hey, kid, you molest? All right, cool, head with me."
Y'all...
I hit a spot. I hit a spot?
Because I said "molest"?
Molest. What's in his bag? ...
Uh...
We be getting these gay kids sometimes, man.
This one gay kid, he had a crush on one of the straight kids, right?
Straight kid wasn't tripping. He was like, "Whatever. I ain't gay. He can like me." Y'know?
Turns out they had a little thing going on.
Yeah, man. We started finding used condoms around campus.
It was a all-boys facility.
Start to find the letters between the two boys, y'know.
One of the letters from the gay kid read,
"I miss the way you make my booty swell."
And I'm straight. But that shit turned me on.
Y'know?
I don't care about the boy's butt, but I dig his approach.
'Cause I think about it like a woman saying it to me.
"I miss the way you make my booty swell."
Come on over. I'm swell it right now.
I'll swell your butt.
I'll swell your butt. Come on.
I'll swell it. Ain't got to... I'll swell it right now.
I'll swell in your butt.
Swell in your butt.
Damn.
Well, if y'all got chicks, man, I want y'all to say that shit to her.
I'm swelling-- I'm swelling now. I'm swelling your butt.
Swell my butt, Daddy.
Swell it. Swell it.
Every time I tell--
Every time I tell chicks where I work at, they be so impressed.
"Oh, my God, that's so amazing. Oh. So noble.
"Oh, it must be so rewarding."
I'm like, "Yes, I'm rewarded by direct deposit every two weeks."
"You like money." "Yeah, I applied for that."
I applied for some money.
I've done like, two jokes I've actually planned on doing tonight, thus far.
And this is like, a special night.
Shoot, man. Caesar was talking about liking feet, man.
Shit, man. Y'know, I ain't got a fetish.
I appreciate a good foot, though. You know, appreciative.
Y'know, soft, sleek, not too crusty on the heels.
Like sometimes I'll be on Instagram,
if a girl was barefoot, I zoom in to see how it's looking down there. Y'know what I'm saying?
-Oh, God. -Like, "Yeah, she's pretty."
Take note.
Pinky toe ain't shit, though.
Yeah, I wanna nail that. Hmm.
Oh, she got a....
Y'all know what a... ...is?
That's when the pinky toenail was so tiny,
instead of stroking it with the polish, she just goes....
Y'know? It's like dropping a cherry on some cool whip.
I don't fuck with man feet, though, man.
I got a-- I got a man foot phobia.
Like, if one of my homies accidentally touched me with a barefoot,
that's one less homie I got.
I got this Indian friend, man.
He had a gathering at his apartment one night, right?
I was sitting on the floor, like he was sitting on the couch behind me,
I feel somebody tap my arm to get my attention, y'know.
I figured it was a hand.
Turned to my right, man. Saw a hairy, brown foot dangling next to me.
I ain't spoke to an Indian since.
Goddamn, man. He make me a bigot.
Not into it.
I do this thing subconsciously where, regardless of the race,
I view all women with ass as black men's women.
So if I see a big booty white girl with a white dude,
that's an interracial relationship to me.
Yep, yep, yep.
And that kid is mixed.
Blond hair, blue eyes, thin lipped. Mama got butt, the boy's a mutt.
Half white, half ass.
Okay.
I remember white girls was scared to have an ass back in the day.
-Y'all remember that? -Oh, God.
Your regular sized white girl, man. Little bit of flesh back there.
"My ass is fat, my ass is fat."
Why are you upset about winning?
Be happy you got a butt instead of a back crack.
Be thankful.
Y'know? Y'know?
And then you got them white girls who think they got more ass than they actually do.
Yeah. "I got black girl booty." No, you're just fat.
Your ass is big in the wrong directions.
The dimensions is--
Oh, my God.
Y'know?
Black dudes be having big butts sometimes. That's weird.
You see fools-- You see fools walking around like this?
Basketball players be having that shit, man.
Whoo!
When I'll be out sometimes, I'll be like, "Damn, that fool got a big old butt."
Y'know. I don't like it. I'm not a homosexual.
But objectively speaking, the brother got cakes.
Objectively. There's no feelings involved.
Objectively.
All right.
I remember when I was a kid, man, every time I would come home from being out,
my mom would always smell my fingers, to see if I had been smoking weed, right?
-What? -So... Yeah.
Y'know, if I came home from Jack in the Box or hanging out at a friend's house,
she would smell my fingers.
Yo.
I'm hooking up with this girl in my car one night.
Yeah, I'm sure y'all could guess where my fingers ended up.
Her butt.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, I had my fingers in this girl's butt, man.
Y'know?
Past four or like, two in the morning,
I get home, I'm thinking I'm in the clear.
I watch in horror as I see my mom walking my direction down the hallway.
I froze up 'cause I knew what my fingers had been.
-She go. -Oh.
"Oh, Christ, your fingers smell like butt. I ain't smelling your hands no more."
It happened when I was 16, man.
I ain't had my fingers in my mama's face since.
I'm thankful for that butt, 'cause I was smoking weed that night.
When in doubt, stick your fingers in a butt, man.
Y'know, what's crazy...
What's crazy is, man, I stuck my finger in a butt when I lost my virginity.
And at the time I hadn't heard it in a rap song. I hadn't seen it in a porno.
It was just-- There was a hole there, my instincts kicked in.
What else was I to do?
You see a hole, you gotta stick something in it.