1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:11,470 --> 00:00:13,597 I think I might have, uh, BPD. 4 00:00:15,182 --> 00:00:18,977 That's, uh, Black Panther Disorder. 5 00:00:25,484 --> 00:00:27,986 Man, you guys are so lucky, man. You guys are blessed. 6 00:00:27,986 --> 00:00:29,738 Y'all almost had Covid tonight, dawg. 7 00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:33,325 'Cause I thought I had it about four days ago. 8 00:00:33,325 --> 00:00:36,828 I was like, "You know what? I still need that 100 bucks, I'm still gonna perform." 9 00:00:36,828 --> 00:00:38,664 Oh, my God. 10 00:00:38,664 --> 00:00:40,332 I got to make that money, baby. 11 00:00:40,332 --> 00:00:42,876 This phone bill ain't gonna pay itself. You know what I mean? 12 00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:45,963 I was going to tell y'all it was it was because of, like, my cough. 13 00:00:45,963 --> 00:00:48,257 I was gonna say, uh, it's because of my ass. 14 00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:51,426 Thing is, I ain't got ass, my dawg. 15 00:00:53,929 --> 00:00:56,890 I had a common cold. I had a common cold, dawg. 16 00:00:58,517 --> 00:01:00,769 People abandoned the common cold. I was like, "Fuck that, bro." 17 00:01:00,769 --> 00:01:03,897 I lost 12 pounds with a common cold. 18 00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:07,484 My friends are like, "Oh, wow, Rasheed, you look really good. Bro, what you been doing?" 19 00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:11,488 Like, "Bro, I got this common cold, bro. You got to try it." 20 00:01:11,488 --> 00:01:14,491 Got somebody like, "Damn, bro, you..." 21 00:01:14,491 --> 00:01:17,160 I started flexing on Instagram too, though. 22 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:20,163 Hashtag you gotta get into the gym hard, bro. This is what you can do. 23 00:01:20,163 --> 00:01:23,542 Like, "Bro, let me get that recipe. I'll pay 500 bucks for it." 24 00:01:23,542 --> 00:01:26,003 I'm like, "Bro, come over here and get this common cold, bro." 25 00:01:26,003 --> 00:01:28,463 I got you. Smear it all over your face. 26 00:01:31,675 --> 00:01:33,927 Thank God I didn't have Covid though, man. 27 00:01:34,803 --> 00:01:36,430 Thankful for that. 28 00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:38,724 'Cause I-- 29 00:01:38,724 --> 00:01:42,811 It did work good for my weight. The comical look. I'm trying to get back in tip top shape. 30 00:01:42,811 --> 00:01:47,441 Like right before Covid started, I was ripped up from head to toe, like 14% body fat. 31 00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:50,569 I had a four pack. I could have had a six pack, but I'm humble as fuck. 32 00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:53,655 Y'know what I mean? The six pack was kind of like, 33 00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:55,782 "No, dawg. Give that to somebody else, bro." 34 00:01:55,782 --> 00:02:00,495 I'm like, "Fuck, bro, don't need no six pack, that's for assholes." 35 00:02:00,495 --> 00:02:03,123 All the humble people got four packs or less. 36 00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:05,792 Me, Tom Hanks, Forest Whitaker, bro, all of us. 37 00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:07,586 We humble as fuck, bro. 38 00:02:07,586 --> 00:02:09,338 The fuck, we needed a six pack. 39 00:02:12,257 --> 00:02:13,884 Only reason I wanna lose weight too, though, man. 40 00:02:13,884 --> 00:02:16,720 I've got into an argument with homeless dude, real story. 41 00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:18,597 Only in LA this could happen. 42 00:02:18,597 --> 00:02:21,475 We was arguing about who was the greatest basketball player of all time. 43 00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:23,435 Michael Jordan or LeBron James. 44 00:02:23,435 --> 00:02:25,228 Of course I said LeBron James, 45 00:02:25,228 --> 00:02:27,731 because it's the truth, and I, I'm good at arguments. 46 00:02:27,731 --> 00:02:29,858 He got mad. He got so-- He just like, 47 00:02:29,858 --> 00:02:31,610 "Hey, man, why don't you shut the fuck up and sit down with your child bearing hips." 48 00:02:31,610 --> 00:02:32,861 I'm like, "Whoa!" 49 00:02:34,196 --> 00:02:35,530 My hips? 50 00:02:36,531 --> 00:02:38,784 My hips, bro. 51 00:02:38,784 --> 00:02:41,203 I'm like, "Bro, you could have kissed my girl in her mouth, you could've smacked my mama. 52 00:02:41,203 --> 00:02:43,330 "But don't talk about my hips, bro. What you mean?" 53 00:02:43,330 --> 00:02:47,250 Those are fighting words on the street, bro. My hips. 54 00:02:47,250 --> 00:02:49,378 I got insecure. I started doing those things that women do. 55 00:02:49,378 --> 00:02:52,339 And I was like, " Never again will you talk about my fucking hips, bro." 56 00:02:55,050 --> 00:02:57,636 I've been insecure as fuck. 57 00:02:57,636 --> 00:02:59,179 Like we don't play where I'm from, man. 58 00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:00,722 I'm originally from Atlanta, Georgia. 59 00:03:00,722 --> 00:03:02,641 Not from LA, from Atlanta. 60 00:03:02,641 --> 00:03:04,267 Thank you so much for that. 61 00:03:10,357 --> 00:03:12,567 I grew up very poor, man. 62 00:03:12,567 --> 00:03:15,946 Grew up in the hood. It was hard growing up in the hood with a father, man. It was tough. 63 00:03:17,781 --> 00:03:20,742 It was a lot of pressure, a lot of pressure. 64 00:03:20,742 --> 00:03:22,536 'Cause I'm always hearing the narrative. 65 00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:25,664 "It was so hard growing up without a father." Shut up. 66 00:03:25,664 --> 00:03:27,582 Nobody had no expectations for you, dawg. 67 00:03:27,582 --> 00:03:29,459 Try growing up with a dad. 68 00:03:29,459 --> 00:03:31,336 My dad was over my shoulder every night while I was doing my homework. 69 00:03:31,336 --> 00:03:33,130 And I'd be crying. 70 00:03:33,130 --> 00:03:35,298 He'd be like, "Shut up. Before I give you something to cry about." 71 00:03:35,298 --> 00:03:38,051 I was like, "Man, my teacher said you're not supposed to be here statistically, dawg." 72 00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:39,678 Y'know what I mean? 73 00:03:42,180 --> 00:03:43,348 My teacher said that. 74 00:03:44,975 --> 00:03:47,394 Yeah. 75 00:03:50,021 --> 00:03:54,526 My dad encouraged my twin brother and I to play sports to stay out of trouble. 76 00:03:54,526 --> 00:03:57,362 I naturally gravitated towards football. 77 00:03:57,362 --> 00:03:59,739 Is the most aggressive sport I can think about. 78 00:03:59,739 --> 00:04:03,076 But whatever anger I had for my father, I took it out on the football field. 79 00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:04,744 And I play safety. 80 00:04:04,744 --> 00:04:07,456 I'm the guy that hits the guy that's running the ball. 81 00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:11,460 My dad pissed me off on Thursday, we had a game on Friday. 82 00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:13,503 The receiver came across the middle. 83 00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:16,840 I hit him hard. Pow! I was like, "Ooh, you go to bed now, you go to bed!" 84 00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:19,092 Hmm, I even brushed my teeth, dawg. 85 00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:23,430 I was having therapy on that football field. 86 00:04:25,932 --> 00:04:28,727 I let this dude named Jacob convinced me that the reason 87 00:04:28,727 --> 00:04:32,314 why I had not reached my full potential was because my father was overly supportive. 88 00:04:32,314 --> 00:04:34,024 I was like, "Bullshit." 89 00:04:34,024 --> 00:04:36,443 He's like, "Bro, your dad is too supportive." 90 00:04:36,443 --> 00:04:38,361 I'm like, maybe he got a point. 91 00:04:38,361 --> 00:04:41,281 'Cause usually my routine would be, I would go from football to basketball 92 00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:44,493 to track, like all the sports that black fathers come to support. 93 00:04:45,869 --> 00:04:48,747 I said, "Next, I'm gonna squish that shit up." 94 00:04:48,747 --> 00:04:50,499 I went from football to wrestling. 95 00:04:50,499 --> 00:04:51,583 Why wrestling? 96 00:04:51,583 --> 00:04:54,586 Because wrestling has 136 matches. 97 00:04:54,586 --> 00:04:59,508 I was like, "Ain't no way in hell my father gonna come 136 wrestling matches." 98 00:04:59,508 --> 00:05:01,927 You know this nigga came to all 136 wrestling matches. 99 00:05:01,927 --> 00:05:06,473 I'm like, "Bro, come on. You tripping. You're fucking up my potential, bro." 100 00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:09,142 At every game and practices, man? Come on. 101 00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:11,937 I always believe in bringing dark situations to light too, y'know. 102 00:05:11,937 --> 00:05:14,523 I lost my mom when I was 11 years old. 103 00:05:14,523 --> 00:05:16,733 We was too poor to bury her, so the state of Georgia buried her. 104 00:05:16,733 --> 00:05:18,276 She has no headstone or nothing. 105 00:05:18,276 --> 00:05:20,403 I can't make this up. 106 00:05:20,403 --> 00:05:22,822 The guy at the cemetery said, "Oh, your mom's buried somewhere in a 400-yard radius." 107 00:05:22,822 --> 00:05:24,741 "If you find her, let me know." 108 00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:28,787 I went to my mother's grave site one day when when I was sad on her birthday. 109 00:05:28,787 --> 00:05:31,540 I'm like, "Mom. I really wish you was here. I really miss you." 110 00:05:31,540 --> 00:05:34,167 Somebody tapped me on the shoulder and was like, " Hey, man, 111 00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:37,337 I think your mom's over there." I was like, "Oh, okay." 112 00:05:38,922 --> 00:05:41,299 That is fucked up. 113 00:05:41,299 --> 00:05:43,843 After while I got frustrated, so I started skipping a certain way. 114 00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:46,471 "Mom, if you was here just tap me on the foot or something." 115 00:05:49,266 --> 00:05:50,559 It's funny. 116 00:05:50,559 --> 00:05:51,560 It doesn't... 117 00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:56,231 It's my mama. My dad and my mama, okay? 118 00:05:56,231 --> 00:05:58,400 You know what's crazy though, man? 119 00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:00,944 In the state of Georgia, if you don't get your loved one a headstone after five years, 120 00:06:00,944 --> 00:06:04,197 -they start stacking the bodies on top each other. Yeah. -Oh. 121 00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:06,199 -Like a massive gravesite. -That is fucked up. 122 00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:08,868 It is. So I'm going to give my mother really big headstone one day. 123 00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:11,037 It's going to say, "... Stephens. 124 00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:13,665 "And all the miscellaneous people on top of her, all you guys, rest in peace." 125 00:06:13,665 --> 00:06:16,334 Stacks on stacks, baby. 126 00:06:26,344 --> 00:06:29,139 Is this new age segregation all over again? I tried... 127 00:06:29,139 --> 00:06:35,103 Trying to go to the bathroom, the door of the bathroom said, "Vaxxers only." 128 00:06:35,103 --> 00:06:38,815 Dude, stopped me at the door, he goes like, "Uh-uh, not so fast, buddy. 129 00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:40,692 "This here, bathroom is for vaxxers only. 130 00:06:40,692 --> 00:06:43,361 "You'd better keep your own vaccinated ass off that toilet seat 131 00:06:43,361 --> 00:06:45,739 where you get what's coming to you." 132 00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:48,658 Nigga. 133 00:06:48,658 --> 00:06:52,120 And this dude was black, so I'm just confused, like shit has got-- 134 00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:54,289 This shit has got a nigga going crazy. 135 00:06:56,166 --> 00:06:57,459 My name is Tevin Scott. 136 00:06:57,459 --> 00:07:00,128 You know, I'm a filmmaker, actor and comedian. 137 00:07:00,128 --> 00:07:01,838 Uh, for people that don't know myself, 138 00:07:01,838 --> 00:07:04,424 you can just think of me as like, the male Issa Rae. 139 00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:09,054 Or like-- Or like, the black Donald Glover. 140 00:07:12,974 --> 00:07:15,060 I'm a real nigga. That's what that means. 141 00:07:17,103 --> 00:07:20,774 I'm a real nigga that happens to be a little bit trans. 142 00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:22,067 Before I let you all know, I'm not-- 143 00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:24,194 I'm not like a trans man or a trans woman. 144 00:07:24,194 --> 00:07:26,196 I am a trans nigga. 145 00:07:26,196 --> 00:07:27,947 A trigga. 146 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:31,951 Which one on y'all-- 147 00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:34,954 I'm non-binary. 148 00:07:34,954 --> 00:07:37,499 Y'all know what that means? Clap if you know what non binary means. 149 00:07:37,499 --> 00:07:39,793 Okay. 150 00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:42,962 A lot of people don't-- A lot of people are confused about who we are, what we're fighting for. 151 00:07:42,962 --> 00:07:45,465 Most people think it's about pronouns, but you know I'm black, 152 00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:49,219 I'm not worried about getting misgendered, I'm worried about getting mistaken as a suspect. 153 00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:51,513 Now that I wear shit like this, nigga, 154 00:07:51,513 --> 00:07:54,474 they don't suspect a thing. 155 00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:58,895 Yeah. We walking around like, "Hey, Officer, stop! Don't shoot!" 156 00:07:58,895 --> 00:08:00,772 Hey, black men, start painting your nails. 157 00:08:00,772 --> 00:08:03,608 Look, they will not shoot you if you look like this, y'know. 158 00:08:03,608 --> 00:08:05,652 See this first ... nail job, y'know. 159 00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:10,115 Y'know, I'm a-- 160 00:08:10,115 --> 00:08:12,951 Let's start learning-- Well, really, I don't really believe in gender. 161 00:08:12,951 --> 00:08:14,994 I don't believe in gender roles or nothing like that. 162 00:08:14,994 --> 00:08:17,080 And I'm like, more into on feminine side, y'know. 163 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:20,083 I learned this about myself in a recent relationship. I was with this girl, right? 164 00:08:20,083 --> 00:08:23,503 She was like, "Tevin, I get a lot of feminine energy from you, 165 00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:26,965 and I feel like if we was on a date, and eight niggers try to harass us, 166 00:08:26,965 --> 00:08:29,342 "I'd feel like I was with one of my girlfriends. 167 00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:30,719 "So what would you? What would you do?" 168 00:08:30,719 --> 00:08:32,721 I was like, "Well, shit. 169 00:08:32,721 --> 00:08:35,682 "You feel like I'm your girlfriend, then bitch we both running motherfucker" 170 00:08:35,682 --> 00:08:38,309 Also, I don't know who you think gonna protect you from eight dudes. 171 00:08:38,309 --> 00:08:41,521 Like who do you think I am? Jackie Chan, bitch? 172 00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:43,940 Bitch, no, we are running like we're on Rush Hour, bitch! 173 00:08:43,940 --> 00:08:46,317 Carter! Run, Carter! 174 00:08:46,317 --> 00:08:49,821 Carter! It's stupid. 175 00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:53,616 Yeah, man, I know it's a-- It's a confusing term. 176 00:08:53,616 --> 00:08:56,202 I just ask that you guys give us the same patience 177 00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:58,496 and understanding that you give to Starbucks. 178 00:08:58,496 --> 00:09:01,583 Y'know, 'cause Starbucks has been using confusing terms for years, y'know. 179 00:09:01,583 --> 00:09:03,960 You go to Starbucks and order a tall drink, 180 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,920 they gonna give you the smallest cup in that bitch. 181 00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:07,338 That don't make no sense. 182 00:09:07,338 --> 00:09:09,924 Tall things are tall and small things are small, right? 183 00:09:09,924 --> 00:09:11,843 Not at Starbucks. 184 00:09:11,843 --> 00:09:13,553 Men are men and women are women, right? 185 00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:17,807 No, in 2022 some niggas is bitches and some bitches is niggas. 186 00:09:20,769 --> 00:09:22,437 And me, I'm a nigga bitch. 187 00:09:25,690 --> 00:09:28,985 Told us that to this girl one day, I was like-- She was like, 188 00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:32,947 "Oh, Tevin, I'm confused. I just got one question. 189 00:09:32,947 --> 00:09:36,284 "You think you're a woman now? You want to cut your little dick off?" 190 00:09:39,662 --> 00:09:43,082 I was like, "First of all, that was two questions. 191 00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:47,337 "And second of all, how you know my dick little? 192 00:09:48,671 --> 00:09:50,507 She was like, "Well is it big?" 193 00:09:50,507 --> 00:09:51,925 And I was like, "Is tall." 194 00:09:56,304 --> 00:09:57,347 Y'know... 195 00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:01,976 I got a lot of questions now that I'm identifying-- 196 00:10:01,976 --> 00:10:03,686 People ask about my sexuality. 197 00:10:03,686 --> 00:10:06,272 I mean, all my life I've identified as straight, 198 00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:10,068 but these days I felt it's best to be lesbian. 199 00:10:10,068 --> 00:10:12,070 Yeah, I'm serious. Y'all looking at me crazy. 200 00:10:12,070 --> 00:10:13,905 I'm like, "No, I really about this lesbian life, 201 00:10:13,905 --> 00:10:17,283 like I'm a black lesbian filmmaker. You can call me Dyke Lee. 202 00:10:18,827 --> 00:10:20,578 And she's gotta have it. 203 00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:24,916 I was thinking, I'm so lesbian, I'm thinking about getting me a strap. 204 00:10:26,501 --> 00:10:28,461 She looking at me crazy. Like, "Why are you going to use that? 205 00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:30,046 "Why don't you just use your own dick.?" 206 00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:31,506 Not in this climate, mm-mm. 207 00:10:33,424 --> 00:10:36,010 'Cause in this climate, I got to worry about Covid and chlamydia, y'know. 208 00:10:36,010 --> 00:10:40,223 So condoms can stop chlamydia, but it's not gonna stop Covid. 209 00:10:40,223 --> 00:10:43,351 But if I give you 12 inches of this 7 foot strap, 210 00:10:43,351 --> 00:10:45,103 we still six feet apart. 211 00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:47,981 And that's social distance... 212 00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:52,485 I was working at a sex shop over the pandemic. 213 00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:55,196 -What? -Yeah. So I'd write jokes by day, 214 00:10:55,196 --> 00:10:57,365 and I'd sell strap-ons by night. 215 00:10:59,075 --> 00:11:02,161 Told this one girl and she was like, "Oh, so you a sex worker?" 216 00:11:02,161 --> 00:11:03,705 I was like, "Yeah, kind of. Sort of." 217 00:11:03,705 --> 00:11:06,040 She was like "Oh, me, too. I work on Crenshaw on 69." 218 00:11:07,709 --> 00:11:10,378 She was like, "I specialize in wet work." 219 00:11:10,378 --> 00:11:11,921 I'm like, "Wet work, what's that?" 220 00:11:11,921 --> 00:11:13,506 She said "I pee on men for money." 221 00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:15,258 Oh. 222 00:11:15,258 --> 00:11:17,218 I was like, "Whoa." She's like, " Yeah, it's a great paying business. 223 00:11:17,218 --> 00:11:19,429 "I've got eight clients right now." 224 00:11:19,429 --> 00:11:22,807 I'm like, "Hold on. You got eight men to pay you to pee on them? 225 00:11:22,807 --> 00:11:25,143 "Oh, you must got multiple streams of income, huh?" 226 00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:30,815 Then she asked me if I wanted to be number nine. 227 00:11:31,816 --> 00:11:33,318 Girl, that pissed me off. 228 00:11:35,862 --> 00:11:37,864 She's-- This is a true story. 229 00:11:37,864 --> 00:11:40,950 She's was like, one of her clients would fly in from Boston all the way from LA. 230 00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:42,535 All the way to LA just to get peed on. 231 00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:44,412 He'd rent an Airbnb just to come get peed on. 232 00:11:44,412 --> 00:11:46,831 I'm like, "Nigga, is the pee in Boston not good enough? 233 00:11:46,831 --> 00:11:50,710 "Nigga, like, they don't-- They just got the regular... piss in Boston? 234 00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:52,462 "You come here for the premium piss?" 235 00:11:52,462 --> 00:11:54,672 This don't make no sense. 236 00:11:54,672 --> 00:11:57,342 Yeah, messing with sex workers and shit, man. 237 00:11:57,342 --> 00:11:59,385 This-- This is the type of people you attract 238 00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:02,013 when you start dressing like this and shit, y'know. 239 00:12:03,389 --> 00:12:07,060 Oh, fuck. Trying to find me a bae. 240 00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:11,189 Who need a bae? A Broke Ass Entrepreneur. 241 00:12:11,189 --> 00:12:13,483 If that's what you need, I'm your guy. 242 00:12:13,483 --> 00:12:15,693 I'm broke as shit. 243 00:12:15,693 --> 00:12:18,071 Not even-- I'm not even dating the right way... 244 00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:20,657 I'm doing something different. I'm-- I'm courting. 245 00:12:20,657 --> 00:12:23,618 Like in medieval time, like on Bridgerton. 246 00:12:23,618 --> 00:12:24,953 Anybody watch Bridgerton? 247 00:12:24,953 --> 00:12:26,746 I remember Bridgerton was like-- Like if I was-- 248 00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:28,539 If I was a character on Bridgerton, 249 00:12:28,539 --> 00:12:32,085 I'd be Lord Tevin Scott, the Duke of Inglewood. 250 00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:34,295 Your Grace, if you accept my hand in marriage, 251 00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:35,588 you can come stay with me in my castle. 252 00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:39,008 It's a studio apartment on Crenshaw Boulevard. 253 00:12:40,259 --> 00:12:42,303 We are 12 months behind on rent, Your Grace. 254 00:12:42,303 --> 00:12:44,973 But no need to worry. I applied for the rent relief. 255 00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:49,018 But if we don't get it, I'm afraid we're going to have to move out 256 00:12:49,018 --> 00:12:51,145 and be the Duke and the Duchess of Skid Row. 257 00:12:52,355 --> 00:12:53,439 How's that sound? 258 00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:57,860 I don't know what I'mma do. I've been out here six years, man. 259 00:12:57,860 --> 00:13:01,030 Still trying to figure it out. Moved out here six years ago. 260 00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:05,076 Had no job, no house, no car, right? 261 00:13:05,076 --> 00:13:07,662 Then my girlfriend at the time, she picks me up from the airport. 262 00:13:07,662 --> 00:13:10,289 She had news for me. She was like, "Tevin, I'm pregnant." 263 00:13:11,332 --> 00:13:13,501 Yeah, so we had a decision to make. 264 00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:18,047 Either we're going to chase our dreams or raise this baby. 265 00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:20,508 We chose dreams for 500, Alex. 266 00:13:22,844 --> 00:13:26,556 I'd have babies with Alex Trebek right now. 267 00:13:26,556 --> 00:13:30,268 No lie. My first thought when I moved to LA was Planned Parenthood. 268 00:13:30,268 --> 00:13:33,062 Nigga, we didn't plan for that shit at all. 269 00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:37,442 Most people when they move to LA, their first stop is In-N-Out. 270 00:13:37,442 --> 00:13:40,486 Our trip to Planned Parenthood was just like In-N-Out... 271 00:13:40,486 --> 00:13:42,822 Frikkin' cheap. 272 00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:46,826 MediCal is a lifesaver, for us, not the baby. 273 00:13:49,579 --> 00:13:51,456 That's fucked up, but also-- 274 00:13:51,456 --> 00:13:53,833 Look, I'm not telling-- I'm not trying to make light of abortion here. 275 00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:57,920 I'm just trying to shed light on my situation, y'know, because I don't want to be-- 276 00:13:57,920 --> 00:14:00,965 I want to have kids one day. I'm gonna have a very talented family. 277 00:14:00,965 --> 00:14:03,676 They're gonna be great. Like the talents, like the Jacksons, y'know. 278 00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:05,928 Only thing that makes me feel good about my situation 279 00:14:05,928 --> 00:14:08,097 is knowing we didn't kill Michael. 280 00:14:08,097 --> 00:14:09,682 We killed Tito. 281 00:14:11,309 --> 00:14:12,769 She over there like, 282 00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:14,604 ... Hee, hee, hee, hee. 283 00:14:15,938 --> 00:14:17,315 Oh, shit. 284 00:14:17,315 --> 00:14:19,275 It was for good reason. I had to chase my dreams. 285 00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:21,277 I'm out here chasing my dreams. I'm a filmmaker. 286 00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:22,987 I got a TV show right now. 287 00:14:22,987 --> 00:14:24,197 It's called The Mecca. 288 00:14:25,281 --> 00:14:26,616 It's an HBCU comedy. 289 00:14:26,616 --> 00:14:28,659 Anybody know about HBCUs? It's black college-- 290 00:14:28,659 --> 00:14:30,870 A historically black college university. 291 00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:32,455 I went to Howard University. 292 00:14:32,455 --> 00:14:34,582 Yeah, uh-huh. 293 00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:37,627 People that don't know about Howard, I say Howard is a mystical land 294 00:14:37,627 --> 00:14:42,048 where the most gifted black kids on earth go, all right? It's like Hogwarts for niggas. 295 00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:47,470 Yeah. So I've pitching this series about y'know, this HBCU, 296 00:14:47,470 --> 00:14:50,223 like a different world for a next generation, right? 297 00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:53,309 And I got it to the top. I got it to some very important people, right? 298 00:14:53,309 --> 00:14:56,229 They was like, "Tevin, we love your show. 299 00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:58,147 "It's a great idea, great concept. 300 00:14:58,147 --> 00:15:01,192 "We'd love to make it on one condition. 301 00:15:01,192 --> 00:15:03,820 "You gotta make your character, the main character, gay." 302 00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:05,446 I was like, "Word?" They was like "Yeah". 303 00:15:05,446 --> 00:15:07,156 And they started pitching all this gay shit. 304 00:15:07,156 --> 00:15:09,367 They was like, "Start it with your love interest 305 00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:12,161 "being a woman who is going to be your roommate, right? 306 00:15:12,161 --> 00:15:14,914 "And one day your roommate's gonna be getting dressed. 307 00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:17,792 "And you're gonna reach over to your counter, grab a bottle of Jergens 308 00:15:17,792 --> 00:15:20,169 "and start jerking off to your roommate. How's that sound?" 309 00:15:20,169 --> 00:15:21,587 I'm not making this shit up. 310 00:15:21,587 --> 00:15:23,548 I was like, "That don't-- 311 00:15:23,548 --> 00:15:26,300 "That is not authentic, in my experience at all." 312 00:15:29,554 --> 00:15:31,389 I would never use Jergens. 313 00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:34,767 Lube it up! Nah, I'm just playing. 314 00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:38,020 Stupid. 315 00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:40,106 I stopped talking to them. 316 00:15:40,106 --> 00:15:43,359 I got to another group of people, that I sold the show, actually, last year sold it. 317 00:15:43,359 --> 00:15:46,070 Yeah. 318 00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:48,197 For a a six figure deal. 319 00:15:48,197 --> 00:15:52,285 Yeah. Only bad news is we sold it to this network called Quibi. 320 00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:53,911 And they are now out of business. 321 00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:57,707 And I got so broke, I don't even make films no more. 322 00:15:57,707 --> 00:15:59,625 I went from six figures to working at Chick-fil-A. 323 00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:01,502 Making six figures with six piece nuggets, nigga. 324 00:16:02,670 --> 00:16:04,755 It's a very humbling experience. 325 00:16:04,755 --> 00:16:07,216 You know how humbling it is to have somebody tell you 326 00:16:07,216 --> 00:16:08,676 they want you to run your own show 327 00:16:08,676 --> 00:16:11,262 to having to run the drive through line at Chick-fil-A? 328 00:16:11,262 --> 00:16:13,681 Nigga, that is not the move. nigga. 329 00:16:15,558 --> 00:16:17,560 Trying to get better this year. 330 00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:20,188 I'm in a gym. Anybody started a new gym memberships this year? 331 00:16:20,188 --> 00:16:21,522 Who in the gym? 332 00:16:21,522 --> 00:16:22,773 Okay. 333 00:16:23,608 --> 00:16:25,651 Started, uh... 334 00:16:25,651 --> 00:16:27,486 Started my Planet Fitness membership. 335 00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:30,573 I don't really fuck with Planet Fitness. 336 00:16:30,573 --> 00:16:32,700 Like, I go on there. They say, no judgment, nigga, 337 00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:34,160 but I feel the judgment. 338 00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:35,411 I'd be judging, too. 339 00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:38,789 I'd be judging her ass and her ass. 340 00:16:38,789 --> 00:16:42,001 I'm like, hmm, okay. Okay. You know. Niggas be judging me. 341 00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:45,004 I'm on-- I got weak form. Doing the squats and-- 342 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,131 Fuck. 343 00:16:50,593 --> 00:16:52,094 My name is Caesar. 344 00:16:52,094 --> 00:16:53,763 Cono, Caesar Lizardo 345 00:16:53,763 --> 00:16:56,766 So yeah. Thank you very much. My name is Caesar Lizardo. 346 00:16:56,766 --> 00:16:59,310 Thank you. Yes, you don't even know me. 347 00:16:59,310 --> 00:17:01,604 She's like, "Whoo." Yeah. I know it's confusing. 348 00:17:01,604 --> 00:17:03,522 I'm a black dude with an Italian name. 349 00:17:03,522 --> 00:17:05,900 Doesn't really make sense for a lot of people. 350 00:17:05,900 --> 00:17:07,944 What I like to refer to myself, as "amniguous". 351 00:17:09,820 --> 00:17:11,572 You don't know what type of nigga I am. 352 00:17:11,572 --> 00:17:16,827 You don't know if I'm Brazilian, Egyptian, Drake. 353 00:17:21,123 --> 00:17:23,042 Y'know what I'm saying. 354 00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:25,336 -I get all of it. Will Smith. -No. 355 00:17:25,336 --> 00:17:27,672 Yeah. It's 'cause of the ears. 356 00:17:27,672 --> 00:17:30,466 It's 'cause I'm.... Y'know what I'm saying? 357 00:17:30,466 --> 00:17:33,761 I told Jada to cheat on me. The entanglement was my idea. 358 00:17:33,761 --> 00:17:35,221 Y'know what I'm saying? 359 00:17:35,221 --> 00:17:36,764 Oh, my God. 360 00:17:36,764 --> 00:17:38,641 I'm just kidding. I love Will. 361 00:17:38,641 --> 00:17:42,603 Yeah, man, I go with it. Y'know I get-- I get my race mixed all the time. 362 00:17:42,603 --> 00:17:44,563 Uh, it doesn't matter to me. 363 00:17:44,563 --> 00:17:46,691 I just roll the flow. You know, I be in Glendale, 364 00:17:46,691 --> 00:17:48,943 and they're like, "Hey, you Armenian? I'm like, "Yeah, I'm Armenian, bro. 365 00:17:48,943 --> 00:17:51,028 "Whatever, parev y'know. Put them right here." 366 00:17:51,028 --> 00:17:52,446 Y'know? 367 00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:56,492 I remember one time I got to the frenzy with Uber. 368 00:17:56,492 --> 00:17:59,370 Uh, because uber was just getting started and I'm an idiot. 369 00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:01,080 I didn't really get how it worked yet. 370 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,206 Uh. 371 00:18:02,206 --> 00:18:04,375 And the guy, man, bless his heart. 372 00:18:04,375 --> 00:18:06,544 He was so excited to see me, it was this Indian dude 373 00:18:06,544 --> 00:18:08,462 was so excited to see me. I get in the car. 374 00:18:08,462 --> 00:18:11,382 He's like a smile from ear to ear, just looking at me. 375 00:18:11,382 --> 00:18:13,509 And I can already tell what he's thinking. 376 00:18:13,509 --> 00:18:16,554 You know, he's looking at me. He's like, "Where you from, buddy?" 377 00:18:18,222 --> 00:18:19,890 I just gave him what he was wants. I was like, "Oh. Me? Uh... 378 00:18:19,890 --> 00:18:22,977 "Uh, I'm from India..." 379 00:18:22,977 --> 00:18:25,062 Super low key, not racist at all. 380 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:28,899 He was like... 381 00:18:28,899 --> 00:18:31,569 "I can tell you one hundred Indian, my friend." 382 00:18:31,569 --> 00:18:34,238 He didn't say percent. One hundred Indian, right? 383 00:18:34,238 --> 00:18:37,825 Y'know he keeps going on with all the India shit and I couldn't keep up. 384 00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:40,036 He was like... 385 00:18:40,036 --> 00:18:42,580 I was like, "Dude. Y'know, listen, man. I'm sorry. 386 00:18:42,580 --> 00:18:45,041 "I was just playing. I'm not really Indian, y'know." 387 00:18:46,709 --> 00:18:48,919 You can see the anguish and despair on his face. 388 00:18:48,919 --> 00:18:51,964 He's like, searching for answers. He's like, "But, but... 389 00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:55,593 "But your parents are from India, yes?" 390 00:18:55,593 --> 00:18:59,347 I was like, "They're from Dominican Republic, actually." 391 00:18:59,347 --> 00:19:03,059 "Dominican Republic. Dominican Republic. 392 00:19:04,602 --> 00:19:06,228 "What part of India is this?" 393 00:19:06,228 --> 00:19:08,773 I was like, "Bro, it's, it's in the Caribbean. 394 00:19:08,773 --> 00:19:11,609 "Well, I mean, technically, it's in the West Indies." 395 00:19:11,609 --> 00:19:14,278 "You are a West Indian guy." 396 00:19:14,278 --> 00:19:18,115 ... just fucking... 397 00:19:18,115 --> 00:19:20,951 ...I still got a phone number. 398 00:19:20,951 --> 00:19:22,787 But yeah, man, I am Dominican. 399 00:19:22,787 --> 00:19:25,289 My parents are from the Dominican Republic. 400 00:19:25,289 --> 00:19:27,541 One of our favorite words is cono. 401 00:19:27,541 --> 00:19:29,335 I don't know if you guys have heard it before. 402 00:19:29,335 --> 00:19:31,504 Dominicans, Cubans, we all use it all the time. 403 00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:35,549 It's like a word of exclamation, y'know, means like, damn, shit, fuck, y'know. 404 00:19:35,549 --> 00:19:38,094 My dad uses it every sentence. He's been telling me my whole life, 405 00:19:38,094 --> 00:19:40,888 y'know, like, "Hey, how's it going, cono? "What's going on, cono? 406 00:19:40,888 --> 00:19:42,640 "Cono, I hurt my foot." Y'know? 407 00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:46,894 Uh, so naturally in 2005, I get a Facebook at the ripe age of 18. 408 00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:49,939 And my middle name is Cono. On Facebook. I'm Caesar Cono Lizardo. 409 00:19:49,939 --> 00:19:52,650 'Cause fuck it. Why not, y'know? Like they haven't stopped me yet. 410 00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:54,693 And Zuckerberg's like. "That's-- That's exotic." Y'know? 411 00:19:54,693 --> 00:19:57,780 -Oh, my God. -So they haven't caught up to me here. 412 00:19:57,780 --> 00:20:00,449 Until, like a month later, I get into a Facebook argument. 413 00:20:00,449 --> 00:20:02,868 You know, we're arguing as you do. I was like, "Fuck you." 414 00:20:02,868 --> 00:20:04,662 He's like, "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you." Right? 415 00:20:04,662 --> 00:20:06,580 He's like, "You know what? I don't even understand why 416 00:20:06,580 --> 00:20:10,042 "I'm arguing with a guy whose middle name means pussy." 417 00:20:11,585 --> 00:20:13,087 And I was-- I was confused, right? 418 00:20:13,087 --> 00:20:15,089 I was like, " What is this guy talking about?" 419 00:20:15,089 --> 00:20:16,882 I was like, "That's not what it means." 420 00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:19,176 He's like, "Yeah, that is what it means." I was like, "No, it's not. 421 00:20:19,176 --> 00:20:22,388 "It's like a Dominican word of exclamation. Means like, damn, shit, fuck, y'know." 422 00:20:22,388 --> 00:20:23,848 So, I go into the whole thing. 423 00:20:23,848 --> 00:20:25,724 He's like, "No, it means like pussy, toilet, vagina." 424 00:20:25,724 --> 00:20:28,352 I was like, "You know what, fuck you, guy. All right? It's 2005. 425 00:20:28,352 --> 00:20:31,772 "I'm gonna mess you up with something you probably never heard of. It's called Google." 426 00:20:31,772 --> 00:20:33,774 So I Googled it for him. Put it in the search bar. 427 00:20:33,774 --> 00:20:36,360 C-O-O-1-6-4-N-O. 428 00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:41,949 And there it is. First entry, Spanish from Spain. Slang, pussy. 429 00:20:41,949 --> 00:20:46,495 I was like, "Yo. Wait a second. What?" 430 00:20:46,495 --> 00:20:50,082 I was like, "That can't be right. That can't be right. I'll look at the second entrance." 431 00:20:50,082 --> 00:20:53,252 "Pussy." I was like, "Wait a second." Third, fourth, fifth, pussy, pussy, pussy. 432 00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:55,004 I was like, "Okay, hold on a second, y'know." 433 00:20:55,004 --> 00:20:56,881 Like, I'm started to have an existential crisis. 434 00:20:56,881 --> 00:20:58,507 Like, I'm starting to have flashbacks. 435 00:20:58,507 --> 00:21:01,051 All the conversations I had with my dad. 436 00:21:01,051 --> 00:21:03,721 Y'know, like, "Hey, how's it going on you, cono? 437 00:21:03,721 --> 00:21:05,598 "Y'know, cono, my foot hurts." 438 00:21:05,598 --> 00:21:07,892 But now I was like, "Hey, how's it going, pussy? What's going on, pussy? 439 00:21:07,892 --> 00:21:09,059 "Pussy, my foot hurts." 440 00:21:10,603 --> 00:21:14,148 Oh, my God, has my dad been calling me a pussy for 18 years? 441 00:21:14,148 --> 00:21:15,774 Y'know. 442 00:21:16,609 --> 00:21:18,944 So I confronted him. 443 00:21:18,944 --> 00:21:24,116 I was like, "Yo, Papi , que pasa, man? What's going on? Is this really what it means?" 444 00:21:24,116 --> 00:21:27,369 And I remember, he said it in the most nonchalant Dominican way possible. 445 00:21:27,369 --> 00:21:30,372 He was eating a plantain, he's like, "Oh, yeah, you didn't know that? 446 00:21:30,372 --> 00:21:33,792 I was like, "What? No, I didn't know!" Y'know? 447 00:21:35,002 --> 00:21:36,462 He's like, "Yeah, como cono tu madre." 448 00:21:36,462 --> 00:21:37,796 I was like, "Aah!" 449 00:21:37,796 --> 00:21:40,174 My head exploded, y'know. 450 00:21:40,174 --> 00:21:42,927 'Cause I don't know if you can translate Spanish. It sounds like you can. 451 00:21:42,927 --> 00:21:46,180 Uh, like cono cu madre is pussy of your mother. 452 00:21:46,180 --> 00:21:47,556 Right? It's like... 453 00:21:47,556 --> 00:21:49,391 Maybe some kind of Scar-faced Dracula. 454 00:21:49,391 --> 00:21:51,644 "Pussy of your mother, man. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah." 455 00:21:51,644 --> 00:21:53,479 Like, damn. 456 00:21:53,479 --> 00:21:56,106 Fucking crazy. 457 00:21:56,106 --> 00:21:58,817 So, yeah, you can add me on Facebook. I'm Caesar Cono Lizardo. 458 00:21:58,817 --> 00:22:00,110 But you know what it means. 459 00:22:03,113 --> 00:22:05,658 Yeah, man, I love it. I love it. 460 00:22:05,658 --> 00:22:09,453 Uh, I love my family. I'm one of the first people in my family to go to college. 461 00:22:09,453 --> 00:22:11,789 And not graduate. 462 00:22:11,789 --> 00:22:13,457 And not graduate. I didn't finish. 463 00:22:13,457 --> 00:22:16,126 Uh, yeah. I'm a big dumb ass. 464 00:22:16,126 --> 00:22:18,671 Yeah. Smart but so stupid. So stupid. 465 00:22:18,671 --> 00:22:23,133 Uh, it's really sad, too. Like, everybody in my family is way more educated than me. 466 00:22:23,133 --> 00:22:24,760 And it's crazy when you think, like, 467 00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:28,514 my parents came from a third world country in the early 80s. 468 00:22:28,514 --> 00:22:30,641 Came here, started from nothing. 469 00:22:30,641 --> 00:22:31,934 Four jobs each. 470 00:22:31,934 --> 00:22:33,769 Three kids in private school. 471 00:22:33,769 --> 00:22:37,773 Now, they're all making six figures. Like, they did it right, y'know. 472 00:22:37,773 --> 00:22:41,735 And like, here I am. I got a 500 credit score and I'm driving for Instacart. 473 00:22:41,735 --> 00:22:44,738 It's like, they just look at me like, " Hey, man, you have no excuses, okay, cono? 474 00:22:44,738 --> 00:22:47,866 "You have no excuses." That's how my dad talks. 475 00:22:47,866 --> 00:22:50,995 He's always thinking. You know, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking. 476 00:22:50,995 --> 00:22:54,039 "You have to ask yourself and then hope, y'know." 477 00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:56,917 He's right. I don't have any excuses. 478 00:22:56,917 --> 00:22:59,712 Y'know, they led by perfect example. Y'know, they got their degrees. 479 00:22:59,712 --> 00:23:01,422 My sister got her degree. 480 00:23:01,422 --> 00:23:05,009 I might as well just double majored in Beer Pong and Halo 3. 481 00:23:05,009 --> 00:23:08,762 That's what the fuck I was doing. Uh, yeah a big waste of time. 482 00:23:08,762 --> 00:23:11,056 Then my little brother-- Here's where it gets cool. 483 00:23:11,056 --> 00:23:14,268 He got a full ride to Yale, right? 484 00:23:14,268 --> 00:23:17,062 We're all super proud of him, right? 485 00:23:17,062 --> 00:23:21,900 But then he decided to go get his Masters at University of Pennsylvania, 486 00:23:21,900 --> 00:23:23,819 which is also another Ivy League. 487 00:23:23,819 --> 00:23:26,697 And I was like, "Yo, bro, Bro, bro, bro, slow down, slow down. 488 00:23:26,697 --> 00:23:29,533 "Bro, you making me look bad. Let me catch up, y'know." 489 00:23:29,533 --> 00:23:31,577 He's like, "Caesar, you're making yourself look bad." 490 00:23:31,577 --> 00:23:33,329 I was like, "Fuck, he's got me. You got me." 491 00:23:33,329 --> 00:23:36,457 With that big ass, double Ivy League brain of his. 492 00:23:36,457 --> 00:23:38,584 He got me, y'know. 493 00:23:38,584 --> 00:23:42,504 I remember when my dad found out my brother was going to Yale, 494 00:23:42,504 --> 00:23:44,882 he was confusing all of his white friends, right? 495 00:23:44,882 --> 00:23:47,384 He's going around with tears in his eyes. 496 00:23:47,384 --> 00:23:51,472 He was like, "My son is jail, cono." 497 00:23:51,472 --> 00:23:55,225 Like, "Oh, my God, what did he do?" "He did what he had to do." 498 00:23:55,225 --> 00:23:57,645 "How long is he in for?" "He's in for four years." 499 00:23:57,645 --> 00:24:00,773 Can you believe it? 500 00:24:02,816 --> 00:24:03,942 Yeah, man. 501 00:24:04,526 --> 00:24:06,362 See, Tony Lizardo. 502 00:24:06,362 --> 00:24:09,198 I'm also, uh, chocolatepapi on Instagram. 503 00:24:09,198 --> 00:24:11,867 I know. Stupid name. 504 00:24:11,867 --> 00:24:14,161 Follow me, please. I need the help. 505 00:24:14,161 --> 00:24:17,873 I have, like, 500 followers, and I'm following 1000. 506 00:24:17,873 --> 00:24:21,543 So my equity is just through the floor, y'know. 507 00:24:21,543 --> 00:24:24,171 And then-- And then it's like my ego, 'cause I'm a comic, 508 00:24:24,171 --> 00:24:26,674 I'm like, "These motherfuckers trying to shadow ban me. 509 00:24:26,674 --> 00:24:28,592 "They don't want me to be great, y' know." 510 00:24:28,592 --> 00:24:31,929 But then it's like, my insecurities just roundhouse kick me to the face. 511 00:24:31,929 --> 00:24:34,139 Like, "You suck." And I'm like... "They're right." 512 00:24:34,139 --> 00:24:36,100 So, yes, chocolatepapicomedy. 513 00:24:36,100 --> 00:24:39,645 It is because I am chocolatey and I am a papi. 514 00:24:39,645 --> 00:24:41,063 I'm a father. 515 00:24:41,063 --> 00:24:43,941 I have a four-year-old daughter, as of yesterday. 516 00:24:45,734 --> 00:24:49,905 I mean, I didn't just get her yesterday. She turned four yesterday. 517 00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:53,867 Yeah, man. She's awesome. Her name is Mia. 518 00:24:53,867 --> 00:24:56,954 I wanted to name her Daisy, though. 'Cause she's an oopsie-daisy. 519 00:24:56,954 --> 00:25:00,833 We didn't plan her, y'know what I mean? But we made her with love. 520 00:25:00,833 --> 00:25:02,292 We made her with love. 521 00:25:02,292 --> 00:25:04,128 I'll tell you exactly how much love. 522 00:25:04,128 --> 00:25:09,216 Um, to be specific, it was for sure, for sure, 523 00:25:09,216 --> 00:25:12,594 the farthest skeet I've ever skeeted in my life, okay? 524 00:25:12,594 --> 00:25:15,305 And I know for two reasons. I know for two reasons. 525 00:25:15,305 --> 00:25:18,726 First reason is because when I busted, I went cross eyed, 526 00:25:18,726 --> 00:25:21,103 and that had never happened before, all right. 527 00:25:21,103 --> 00:25:24,106 And it's just the power of the explosion. 528 00:25:26,233 --> 00:25:30,362 And then the second reason, is because there's a little bell in there. 529 00:25:30,362 --> 00:25:33,157 If you shoot it far enough, it's like a spittoon. 530 00:25:33,157 --> 00:25:35,367 So, when I busted, it was like... . 531 00:25:35,367 --> 00:25:37,745 And it was like, she just came out... ...perfect. 532 00:25:37,745 --> 00:25:39,371 Um... 533 00:25:39,371 --> 00:25:41,248 When she grows older, and hears this, it's gonna be weird. 534 00:25:41,248 --> 00:25:45,210 It's gonna be a weird conversation. But I'll like it. 535 00:25:45,210 --> 00:25:47,921 Um... 536 00:25:47,921 --> 00:25:49,965 Yeah, man, she's awesome. 537 00:25:49,965 --> 00:25:51,592 She's a little white girl. 538 00:25:51,592 --> 00:25:53,927 That's not what makes her awesome. Not trying to say that. 539 00:25:55,554 --> 00:25:57,765 But her mom is why. Her mom is from Montana. 540 00:25:57,765 --> 00:26:00,142 In case you were wondering how white she is. 541 00:26:00,142 --> 00:26:01,560 Um... 542 00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:05,063 Which is one of the top three whitest states out there, right after White-aho, 543 00:26:06,231 --> 00:26:08,025 And Maine, which is mainly white people. 544 00:26:08,025 --> 00:26:10,527 So, she's up there in the white hierarchy, y'know what I'm saying? 545 00:26:10,527 --> 00:26:13,363 Y'know, it's pretty awesome. 546 00:26:13,363 --> 00:26:17,201 Uh, because I've never had white privilege in my life. Y'know what I mean? 547 00:26:17,201 --> 00:26:19,411 But now I have, like, a little-- A daughter, 548 00:26:19,411 --> 00:26:22,581 who is undeniably mine. Like, if you take my stupid face 549 00:26:22,581 --> 00:26:26,168 and you put it on the cutest little white girl you've ever seen, that's our dynamic. 550 00:26:26,168 --> 00:26:28,337 Y'know what I mean? Y'know, it's pretty awesome. 551 00:26:28,337 --> 00:26:31,173 So now it's like I'm not walking her around the mall. 552 00:26:31,173 --> 00:26:32,758 She's walking me around the mall. 553 00:26:32,758 --> 00:26:34,384 Like, "Look, I got a motherfucker, y'know what I'm saying?" 554 00:26:34,384 --> 00:26:37,763 I'm living vicariously through her, you understand? 555 00:26:37,763 --> 00:26:42,518 So I'm excited, y'know, like, I want to experience white privilege too, y'know. 556 00:26:42,518 --> 00:26:45,938 Like, hopefully it's not like investing in Toys "R" Us in 2013. 557 00:26:45,938 --> 00:26:47,481 Like, I got in too late, y'know. 558 00:26:47,481 --> 00:26:51,026 But, y'know, I'm trying to live. I'm trying to live. 559 00:26:51,026 --> 00:26:53,487 Y'know, like, I want to start sending shit back at restaurants. 560 00:26:53,487 --> 00:26:56,198 I feel like that's something white people might try to get away with. 561 00:26:56,198 --> 00:26:57,950 Is it? I don't know, y'know. 562 00:26:57,950 --> 00:27:00,160 I'd just be like, in a restaurant, "Hey, garcon, garcon." 563 00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:05,207 Start calling niggas garcon. "Garcon, yes, uh, this fish is no good. 564 00:27:05,207 --> 00:27:09,670 "It's-- It's a little undercooked. Can you-- Can you send it back, please?" 565 00:27:09,670 --> 00:27:13,423 "Sir, this is tuna. This is literally sushi. It..." 566 00:27:13,423 --> 00:27:16,718 And, like, "Yes. No, I understand. You see my white daughter right there, right? 567 00:27:16,718 --> 00:27:20,681 "Just tell the chef, he'll understand. Oh, garcon, before you leave, come back. 568 00:27:20,681 --> 00:27:24,434 "This pinot grigio, it's not grigio enough. Send it back!" Y'know. 569 00:27:25,894 --> 00:27:27,062 "Sir, you have to leave now." 570 00:27:27,062 --> 00:27:29,147 "No, I understand. I got you." 571 00:27:30,941 --> 00:27:32,943 White privilege, man. 572 00:27:32,943 --> 00:27:36,905 She's incredibly smart, my daughter. She-- I'm so proud of her. 573 00:27:36,905 --> 00:27:38,532 So proud of her. 574 00:27:38,532 --> 00:27:41,994 Um, but she, she scares me sometimes. Like, when she was one, 575 00:27:41,994 --> 00:27:43,829 she was learning how to talk. 576 00:27:43,829 --> 00:27:46,623 Scared the shit out of me, okay. Because she pointed in my face, 577 00:27:46,623 --> 00:27:50,252 mad aggressive and said the N word five times. 578 00:27:50,252 --> 00:27:51,879 -Whoa. -Yeah. 579 00:27:52,963 --> 00:27:56,174 She was like, "No, no, no, no, no." 580 00:27:58,844 --> 00:28:01,263 I was like, "Mia, where'd you learn that?" 581 00:28:01,263 --> 00:28:03,765 She was like, "Come on, nigga. Shit." 582 00:28:03,765 --> 00:28:06,184 I was like, "Get your little ass out of here." Y'know. 583 00:28:07,477 --> 00:28:09,605 She's been listening to too much Drake and Future. 584 00:28:09,605 --> 00:28:13,358 Daddy's gonna have to start listening to Kidz Bop. 585 00:28:13,358 --> 00:28:14,735 Oh, man. 586 00:28:15,819 --> 00:28:18,530 My daughter, she's cool. Um... 587 00:28:18,530 --> 00:28:22,284 I got her ballet classes for Christmas. 588 00:28:22,284 --> 00:28:25,370 And I was telling my dad, I was on the phone with him, 589 00:28:25,370 --> 00:28:27,623 and I was like, "Yeah, I got her ballet classes." 590 00:28:27,623 --> 00:28:30,918 He's like, "Ballet classes? What? Is she gonna be parking cars or something like that?" 591 00:28:30,918 --> 00:28:33,003 I was like, "Okay, you know what? 592 00:28:33,003 --> 00:28:38,175 "This one's going in the notebook. Thank you very much, Papi." 593 00:28:44,264 --> 00:28:45,724 Yeah. 594 00:28:45,724 --> 00:28:46,892 Um... 595 00:28:48,727 --> 00:28:53,649 That's how he parks cars, too. 596 00:28:55,525 --> 00:28:57,277 Yeah, man. I hate politics. 597 00:28:57,277 --> 00:28:59,947 I think we can all agree politics suck, right? 598 00:28:59,947 --> 00:29:02,908 Uh... Like, look, they suck. 599 00:29:02,908 --> 00:29:07,120 I, I think it's just ridiculous that last year I had to go vote 600 00:29:07,120 --> 00:29:12,668 in a special recall election for the governor of California. 601 00:29:12,668 --> 00:29:16,630 And I went, not because I felt like he's doing a good or bad job either way. 602 00:29:16,630 --> 00:29:18,048 I didn't really care. 603 00:29:18,048 --> 00:29:21,551 I just didn't want California to accidentally 604 00:29:21,551 --> 00:29:23,679 make Caitlyn Jenner our governor, right? 605 00:29:23,679 --> 00:29:26,765 'Cause she was on the ballot. That was a real possibility that could have happened. 606 00:29:26,765 --> 00:29:28,976 Y'know, I was scared. I'm not gonna lie. 607 00:29:28,976 --> 00:29:32,312 Y'know, Americans are dumb.- We've proven ourselves time and time again. 608 00:29:32,312 --> 00:29:33,897 Uh... 609 00:29:33,897 --> 00:29:37,109 So I went out there for y'all. For us. All right. Thank you. 610 00:29:37,109 --> 00:29:39,778 And, y'know, Caitlyn Jenner, whatever. She's cool or whatever, 611 00:29:39,778 --> 00:29:41,947 but we can all agree she's not all there, right? 612 00:29:41,947 --> 00:29:45,534 She's a little nutty, right? Like where does she get the balls? I don't know. 613 00:29:45,534 --> 00:29:47,995 Listen. Listen, listen. 614 00:29:49,538 --> 00:29:51,540 I'mma say some shit, but I love trans people. 615 00:29:51,540 --> 00:29:53,792 So don't even try to say-- Don't try to cancel me. 616 00:29:53,792 --> 00:29:56,420 It might happen. It might not. I don't know, we'll figure it out. 617 00:29:56,420 --> 00:30:00,590 But I'm just-- It's like, I'm trying figure out like, where she got that idea. 618 00:30:00,590 --> 00:30:03,468 Like, why does she think that she was a viable candidate, y'know? 619 00:30:03,468 --> 00:30:08,181 Like, was she just in the house, y'know, like, "Well, if Kanye can run for president. 620 00:30:08,181 --> 00:30:10,017 "I can run for President, too, right?" 621 00:30:10,017 --> 00:30:11,977 Like, I don't know if that's how she talks. 622 00:30:11,977 --> 00:30:13,979 I'm just guessing. 623 00:30:13,979 --> 00:30:15,605 Y'know, like... 624 00:30:15,605 --> 00:30:19,026 Like, I know she changed her giblets and now has a lady box. 625 00:30:19,026 --> 00:30:22,112 But I feel like she still has the same voice box. So that's how she sounds. 626 00:30:22,112 --> 00:30:26,408 "If Kanye can run for president, I can..." 627 00:30:26,408 --> 00:30:29,286 She realized she didn't have enough for president money, right? 628 00:30:29,286 --> 00:30:32,956 Like, she got to the store. She's like, "Hey, let me get one of those presidential tickets. 629 00:30:32,956 --> 00:30:34,041 "Yeah. How much? 630 00:30:34,041 --> 00:30:36,001 "Half a billion dollars? 631 00:30:36,001 --> 00:30:39,087 "Kanye's got half a billion? Jesus Christ. 632 00:30:39,087 --> 00:30:42,257 "Well, I got 15 mil, all right? These surgeries are getting expensive. 633 00:30:42,257 --> 00:30:44,092 "How much would that get me? 634 00:30:44,092 --> 00:30:46,094 "A governor? Oh, okay, I'll run for governor. 635 00:30:46,094 --> 00:30:47,679 "Okay, yeah. Give it to me. 636 00:30:47,679 --> 00:30:50,307 "Republican? Fuck. What do you think, I'm crazy? 637 00:30:50,307 --> 00:30:52,309 "Okay, yeah. Give it to me, give it to me." 638 00:30:52,309 --> 00:30:54,478 Like, she ran as a Republican, people! 639 00:30:54,478 --> 00:30:58,523 That's how you know she doesn't have it all there, all right. She ran as a Republican. 640 00:30:58,523 --> 00:31:00,358 That's crazy to me. 641 00:31:00,358 --> 00:31:02,944 Y'know, they are actively doing shit to make sure that people like her 642 00:31:02,944 --> 00:31:04,738 don't do what she's trying to do. 643 00:31:04,738 --> 00:31:07,449 Y'know, she should just stick to doing what she's been doing. 644 00:31:07,449 --> 00:31:11,828 Just be a focal port for trans issues and, y'know, be an icon for those people 645 00:31:11,828 --> 00:31:14,247 and everything, y'know, She shouldn't run for office. 646 00:31:14,247 --> 00:31:17,918 She should work at the post office, okay. 647 00:31:17,918 --> 00:31:20,295 'Cause this should be the ultimate transgender person. 648 00:31:20,295 --> 00:31:24,841 Think about it. She'd be a female mailman... 649 00:31:27,177 --> 00:31:31,848 ...who's not only a postman but is post man. 650 00:31:33,558 --> 00:31:35,102 Y'know what I'm saying? 651 00:31:37,479 --> 00:31:40,440 And then-- And then just change her middle name to Trans. 652 00:31:40,440 --> 00:31:41,900 She'll be Caitlyn Trans Jenner. 653 00:31:41,900 --> 00:31:44,903 Boom! All right, that's just-- That's just beautiful. 654 00:31:44,903 --> 00:31:46,238 That is beautiful. 655 00:31:46,238 --> 00:31:48,573 "May be I should run for president." 656 00:31:48,573 --> 00:31:52,911 Whatever. Yeah, man. Politics. Stupid. 657 00:31:52,911 --> 00:31:56,748 I remember a few years ago. Maybe you guys were here. 658 00:31:56,748 --> 00:31:59,709 Maybe you saw it. There was like, a transcontinental 659 00:31:59,709 --> 00:32:02,254 migration of monarch butterflies in LA. 660 00:32:02,254 --> 00:32:04,339 You guys remember seeing this shit? 661 00:32:04,339 --> 00:32:07,008 -Yeah. -Millions of butterflies in the sky. 662 00:32:07,008 --> 00:32:08,468 Right? It was beautiful, right? 663 00:32:08,468 --> 00:32:09,970 -Yeah. -Um... 664 00:32:09,970 --> 00:32:11,388 Yeah, right? 665 00:32:11,388 --> 00:32:13,723 ♪ Take a look, it's in a book... ♪ 666 00:32:13,723 --> 00:32:15,767 Whatever. 667 00:32:15,767 --> 00:32:17,686 -Reading Rainbow. -Reading Rainbow? 668 00:32:17,686 --> 00:32:20,564 Reading Rainbow, yeah. I brought it back for y'all. Mm-hmm. 669 00:32:22,149 --> 00:32:23,859 Going back to these butterflies, right? 670 00:32:23,859 --> 00:32:30,073 So... Yeah, man, it was crazy because when Donald Trump, 671 00:32:30,073 --> 00:32:34,327 who was president at the time, found out that they were crossing the border from Mexico 672 00:32:34,327 --> 00:32:37,330 to the United States, he was like, "Listen up, people. 673 00:32:37,330 --> 00:32:40,709 "We gotta put an end to this right now, okay?" 674 00:32:40,709 --> 00:32:43,044 "They're not bringing their best butterflies. 675 00:32:43,044 --> 00:32:46,715 "They're bringing the killers, the rapists, their moths. 676 00:32:46,715 --> 00:32:48,884 "All right, we got to put an end to this now. 677 00:32:48,884 --> 00:32:52,596 "We're going to build a giant net in the sky. 678 00:32:52,596 --> 00:32:54,723 "There'll be like a big wall. 679 00:32:54,723 --> 00:32:58,268 "The butterflies are going to pay for it." Y'know what I mean? 680 00:32:59,102 --> 00:33:00,812 Stupid. 681 00:33:01,771 --> 00:33:04,691 Yeah, man. 682 00:33:04,691 --> 00:33:07,986 Oh, man. I like weird sexual preferences. 683 00:33:07,986 --> 00:33:09,446 I have some. I don't know. 684 00:33:09,446 --> 00:33:11,740 I don't know if it's weird that I like feet. 685 00:33:11,740 --> 00:33:14,409 So weird. 686 00:33:14,409 --> 00:33:16,578 -It's a little weird. -A little weird? Eh. 687 00:33:16,578 --> 00:33:18,663 -It's not weird at all. -Don't shame me. 688 00:33:18,663 --> 00:33:22,042 This guy's like, "Hey, not weird at all." See? He knows. 689 00:33:22,042 --> 00:33:24,628 He's like, " Don't shame me either, bro." 690 00:33:24,628 --> 00:33:27,422 Maybe it's just weird that I wrote a song about it. 691 00:33:30,425 --> 00:33:31,635 It goes like this. 692 00:33:38,266 --> 00:33:40,393 ♪ Whoo! Three, six, nine 693 00:33:40,393 --> 00:33:42,562 ♪ Damn her feet fine, But it doesn't mean... ♪ 694 00:33:47,234 --> 00:33:50,904 Jesus Christ. 695 00:33:50,904 --> 00:33:56,409 I deal with all the evils of the world. Murderer, rape, thievery. 696 00:33:56,409 --> 00:34:01,039 But if you accept Pfizer to your left arm, you'll still get on... 697 00:34:05,502 --> 00:34:07,504 Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. 698 00:34:10,006 --> 00:34:11,132 Ha-ha. 699 00:34:12,008 --> 00:34:13,677 Shit. 700 00:34:13,677 --> 00:34:15,595 Where'd that come from? 701 00:34:15,595 --> 00:34:17,847 That was a strangely timed laugh. 702 00:34:19,975 --> 00:34:20,976 Strange. 703 00:34:21,768 --> 00:34:23,061 You look cool as fuck, man. 704 00:34:24,271 --> 00:34:25,897 Yeah, you look cool as fuck, man. 705 00:34:25,897 --> 00:34:28,191 -I appreciate that. -You sitting here, all cool and shit. 706 00:34:29,317 --> 00:34:30,944 Where you from? Chicago or something? 707 00:34:30,944 --> 00:34:33,154 -Nah, Little Rock, Arkansas. -Little Rock, Arkansas. 708 00:34:33,154 --> 00:34:35,198 Little Rock. My family-- I got family in Arkansas, man. 709 00:34:35,198 --> 00:34:37,826 Already, already. Already, already. 710 00:34:37,826 --> 00:34:39,953 Already. 711 00:34:39,953 --> 00:34:41,329 I remember, back in the day, man, 712 00:34:41,329 --> 00:34:43,832 when Houston was hot for like one year in hip-hop, 713 00:34:43,832 --> 00:34:45,250 like Mike Jones and Paul Wall. 714 00:34:45,250 --> 00:34:47,210 I remember they used to say that shit all the time. 715 00:34:47,210 --> 00:34:48,837 Be like, "Already." 716 00:34:48,837 --> 00:34:50,630 That was a very specific reference. 717 00:34:53,591 --> 00:34:57,053 Mike Jones and Paul Wall in there. That was a very specific reference. 718 00:34:57,053 --> 00:34:58,555 You probably young as fuck, probably. 719 00:34:58,555 --> 00:35:00,015 You don't know what I'm-- How old-- 720 00:35:00,015 --> 00:35:02,100 -I'm 20. -That's why you don't know. Okay. 721 00:35:05,186 --> 00:35:06,855 I be working, man. I still got a job. 722 00:35:06,855 --> 00:35:09,232 I've still got one of those, y'know? 723 00:35:09,232 --> 00:35:12,277 -Yeah! Yeah, oh, God! Mother-- -Oh, God. 724 00:35:12,277 --> 00:35:13,403 Y'know what I'm saying? 725 00:35:14,362 --> 00:35:16,531 I work in placement, man. Uh... 726 00:35:16,531 --> 00:35:18,575 If you don't know what a placement is, basically, 727 00:35:18,575 --> 00:35:21,620 kids get released from juvenile hall and gets them to live where I work at that, 728 00:35:21,620 --> 00:35:23,580 to help with their issues, right. 729 00:35:23,580 --> 00:35:25,790 And I work with a lot of gang members. 730 00:35:25,790 --> 00:35:27,959 They're a fun bunch. Um... 731 00:35:27,959 --> 00:35:30,754 If you don't know, every gang got disses for their hood. 732 00:35:30,754 --> 00:35:33,798 And those disses will be based off of the initials or the name of that hood 733 00:35:33,798 --> 00:35:36,134 Like, there's a Hispanic gang called Playboys. 734 00:35:36,134 --> 00:35:38,553 And one of the disses them is peanut butter, right? 735 00:35:38,553 --> 00:35:40,430 So I was at work one day. 736 00:35:40,430 --> 00:35:42,974 I'm like-- I'm like, "Hey, man, why don't you pass the peanut butter?" 737 00:35:42,974 --> 00:35:46,144 This kid was like, "Hey, fool. Watch that word, dawg!" 738 00:35:48,438 --> 00:35:50,565 I'm like, "Man, I'm not calling you peanut butter. 739 00:35:50,565 --> 00:35:53,068 "I need peanut butter for my bread." 740 00:35:53,068 --> 00:35:55,904 "No, fool. Watch that word, dawg!" 741 00:35:55,904 --> 00:35:58,490 I'm like, "Look, man, I don't know when your gang started, 742 00:35:58,490 --> 00:36:00,867 "but it wasn't here before George Washington Carver." 743 00:36:08,041 --> 00:36:10,085 Peanut butter wins. 744 00:36:13,588 --> 00:36:15,590 There's this gang called Ghetto Boys, man. 745 00:36:15,590 --> 00:36:18,218 So I'm here giving kids snacks. I'm like, "Hey, man, who want a granola bar? 746 00:36:18,218 --> 00:36:21,221 "Hey, fool. Watch that word, dawg!" 747 00:36:21,221 --> 00:36:24,182 "Hey, man, it's a granola bar. What am I supposed to call it?" 748 00:36:24,182 --> 00:36:26,643 "The brand fool, Nature Valley." 749 00:36:28,645 --> 00:36:31,022 Damn, man. Y'all are taking all the words, man. 750 00:36:31,022 --> 00:36:32,399 Damn. 751 00:36:35,318 --> 00:36:37,737 Damn. 752 00:36:37,737 --> 00:36:40,240 I was at work one day, man. There was a little Crip kid. 753 00:36:40,240 --> 00:36:42,200 I'm like, "Hey, y'all, I'm going to the store. 754 00:36:42,200 --> 00:36:43,743 "Y'all want some cookies or something?" 755 00:36:43,743 --> 00:36:45,245 "Hey, watch that word, cuz!" 756 00:36:45,245 --> 00:36:46,538 I'm like, "What? Cookie?" 757 00:36:46,538 --> 00:36:48,331 "No, my nigga, thug." 758 00:36:49,999 --> 00:36:52,419 I'm like, "Y'all can't have the whole English language, man." 759 00:36:53,586 --> 00:36:57,090 "It's not yours. It's white people's." 760 00:36:57,090 --> 00:36:58,800 Mother-- 761 00:37:00,468 --> 00:37:02,846 "They conquered us all. And now we all speak English." 762 00:37:14,566 --> 00:37:16,693 These kids be having fucked up lives, man. 763 00:37:16,693 --> 00:37:20,488 We had this one, kid. We had one kid, this dude, he uh-- All his-- 764 00:37:20,488 --> 00:37:23,658 All his teeth was rotting out from smoking too much meth. 765 00:37:23,658 --> 00:37:26,411 And he had two kids and genital herpes. 766 00:37:27,579 --> 00:37:28,788 Guess how old he was? 767 00:37:28,788 --> 00:37:30,999 -Eighteen? Oh, no. -Fifteen. 768 00:37:30,999 --> 00:37:32,584 This kid needs to die already, man, 769 00:37:35,336 --> 00:37:37,672 Life ain't for him, clearly. 770 00:37:37,672 --> 00:37:39,757 Life is not for him. 771 00:37:42,385 --> 00:37:43,803 God needs to reset. 772 00:37:43,803 --> 00:37:46,473 God needs to reset. 773 00:37:48,391 --> 00:37:51,186 If reincarnation is real, he'll get another chance. 774 00:37:53,229 --> 00:37:54,814 Guy gotta go, dawg. 775 00:37:54,814 --> 00:37:58,318 You know? Be careful. Don't fall out of that chair. 776 00:37:58,318 --> 00:38:01,905 Actually, do fall off the chair. 'Cause that means I'm fucking killing that shit. 777 00:38:01,905 --> 00:38:03,865 Do fall-- Please fall off your chair. 778 00:38:06,367 --> 00:38:08,203 I'll stop them out their chairs, literally. 779 00:38:13,708 --> 00:38:17,545 We got-- We got a 288 unit, man. Those are the sex offenders. 780 00:38:17,545 --> 00:38:20,465 Yeah, man, I love working with the sex offenders, man. 781 00:38:20,465 --> 00:38:23,176 Because they're docile, y'know. If I got to choose between 782 00:38:23,176 --> 00:38:25,637 working with some angry, annoying ass gang members, 783 00:38:25,637 --> 00:38:28,848 or some kid who touched his sister, but ain't giving me no problems, 784 00:38:28,848 --> 00:38:30,308 I'm choosing an easy day at work. 785 00:38:31,935 --> 00:38:34,687 "Hey, kid, you molest? All right, cool, head with me." 786 00:38:36,147 --> 00:38:37,482 Y'all... 787 00:38:37,482 --> 00:38:39,609 I hit a spot. I hit a spot? 788 00:38:40,818 --> 00:38:43,404 I hit a spot? Because I said "molest"? 789 00:38:47,116 --> 00:38:50,703 Molest. What's in his bag? ... 790 00:38:50,703 --> 00:38:51,746 Uh... 791 00:38:54,791 --> 00:38:57,335 We be getting these gay kids sometimes, man. 792 00:38:57,335 --> 00:39:00,296 This one gay kid, he had a crush on one of the straight kids, right? 793 00:39:00,296 --> 00:39:04,259 Straight kid wasn't tripping. He was like, "Whatever. I ain't gay. He can like me." Y'know? 794 00:39:12,809 --> 00:39:15,937 Turns out they had a little thing going on. 795 00:39:15,937 --> 00:39:19,023 Yeah, man. We started finding used condoms around campus. 796 00:39:19,023 --> 00:39:20,358 It was a all-boys facility. 797 00:39:24,862 --> 00:39:27,532 Start to find the letters between the two boys, y'know. 798 00:39:27,532 --> 00:39:29,492 One of the letters from the gay kid read, 799 00:39:29,492 --> 00:39:31,411 "I miss the way you make my booty swell." 800 00:39:35,707 --> 00:39:37,709 And I'm straight. But that shit turned me on. 801 00:39:40,920 --> 00:39:42,547 Y'know? 802 00:39:42,547 --> 00:39:46,301 I don't care about the boy's butt, but I dig his approach. 803 00:39:46,301 --> 00:39:48,678 'Cause I think about it like a woman saying it to me. 804 00:39:48,678 --> 00:39:50,722 "I miss the way you make my booty swell." 805 00:39:50,722 --> 00:39:52,432 Come on over. I'm swell it right now. 806 00:39:52,432 --> 00:39:55,184 I'll swell your butt. 807 00:39:57,020 --> 00:39:59,272 I'll swell your butt. Come on. 808 00:39:59,272 --> 00:40:01,649 I'll swell it. Ain't got to... I'll swell it right now. 809 00:40:02,859 --> 00:40:04,277 I'll swell in your butt. 810 00:40:07,196 --> 00:40:09,198 Swell in your butt. 811 00:40:13,745 --> 00:40:15,580 Damn. 812 00:40:15,580 --> 00:40:18,291 Well, if y'all got chicks, man, I want y'all to say that shit to her. 813 00:40:18,291 --> 00:40:20,543 I'm swelling-- I'm swelling now. I'm swelling your butt. 814 00:40:22,545 --> 00:40:25,089 Swell my butt, Daddy. 815 00:40:25,089 --> 00:40:27,425 Swell it. Swell it. 816 00:40:29,636 --> 00:40:31,220 Every time I tell-- 817 00:40:31,220 --> 00:40:33,514 Every time I tell chicks where I work at, they be so impressed. 818 00:40:33,514 --> 00:40:37,018 "Oh, my God, that's so amazing. Oh. So noble. 819 00:40:37,018 --> 00:40:38,895 "Oh, it must be so rewarding." 820 00:40:38,895 --> 00:40:41,731 I'm like, "Yes, I'm rewarded by direct deposit every two weeks." 821 00:40:44,651 --> 00:40:46,569 "You like money." "Yeah, I applied for that." 822 00:40:48,488 --> 00:40:51,366 I applied for some money. 823 00:40:51,366 --> 00:40:54,661 I've done like, two jokes I've actually planned on doing tonight, thus far. 824 00:40:54,661 --> 00:40:56,287 And this is like, a special night. 825 00:41:05,171 --> 00:41:07,590 Shoot, man. Caesar was talking about liking feet, man. 826 00:41:07,590 --> 00:41:09,634 Shit, man. Y'know, I ain't got a fetish. 827 00:41:09,634 --> 00:41:15,056 I appreciate a good foot, though. You know, appreciative. 828 00:41:15,056 --> 00:41:18,142 Y'know, soft, sleek, not too crusty on the heels. 829 00:41:20,436 --> 00:41:22,772 Like sometimes I'll be on Instagram, 830 00:41:22,772 --> 00:41:26,234 if a girl was barefoot, I zoom in to see how it's looking down there. Y'know what I'm saying? 831 00:41:26,234 --> 00:41:28,236 -Oh, God. -Like, "Yeah, she's pretty." 832 00:41:28,236 --> 00:41:30,029 Take note. 833 00:41:32,031 --> 00:41:33,408 Pinky toe ain't shit, though. 834 00:41:40,581 --> 00:41:42,291 Yeah, I wanna nail that. Hmm. 835 00:41:45,878 --> 00:41:47,296 Oh, she got a.... 836 00:41:48,423 --> 00:41:51,300 Y'all know what a... ...is? 837 00:41:51,300 --> 00:41:53,261 That's when the pinky toenail was so tiny, 838 00:41:53,261 --> 00:41:57,223 instead of stroking it with the polish, she just goes.... 839 00:42:05,857 --> 00:42:09,068 Y'know? It's like dropping a cherry on some cool whip. 840 00:42:13,239 --> 00:42:15,116 I don't fuck with man feet, though, man. 841 00:42:15,116 --> 00:42:17,910 I got a-- I got a man foot phobia. 842 00:42:17,910 --> 00:42:21,873 Like, if one of my homies accidentally touched me with a barefoot, 843 00:42:21,873 --> 00:42:23,791 that's one less homie I got. 844 00:42:29,046 --> 00:42:30,465 I got this Indian friend, man. 845 00:42:30,465 --> 00:42:33,217 He had a gathering at his apartment one night, right? 846 00:42:33,217 --> 00:42:36,304 I was sitting on the floor, like he was sitting on the couch behind me, 847 00:42:36,304 --> 00:42:38,806 I feel somebody tap my arm to get my attention, y'know. 848 00:42:40,975 --> 00:42:42,560 I figured it was a hand. 849 00:42:44,479 --> 00:42:47,940 Turned to my right, man. Saw a hairy, brown foot dangling next to me. 850 00:42:47,940 --> 00:42:49,442 I ain't spoke to an Indian since. 851 00:42:51,402 --> 00:42:53,362 Goddamn, man. He make me a bigot. 852 00:42:56,824 --> 00:42:58,075 Not into it. 853 00:43:00,703 --> 00:43:03,873 I do this thing subconsciously where, regardless of the race, 854 00:43:03,873 --> 00:43:06,417 I view all women with ass as black men's women. 855 00:43:09,796 --> 00:43:12,298 So if I see a big booty white girl with a white dude, 856 00:43:12,298 --> 00:43:14,217 that's an interracial relationship to me. 857 00:43:17,678 --> 00:43:18,971 Yep, yep, yep. 858 00:43:19,680 --> 00:43:20,848 And that kid is mixed. 859 00:43:22,975 --> 00:43:27,021 Blond hair, blue eyes, thin lipped. Mama got butt, the boy's a mutt. 860 00:43:29,524 --> 00:43:31,859 Half white, half ass. 861 00:43:31,859 --> 00:43:33,903 Okay. 862 00:43:33,903 --> 00:43:36,739 I remember white girls was scared to have an ass back in the day. 863 00:43:36,739 --> 00:43:38,574 -Y'all remember that? -Oh, God. 864 00:43:38,574 --> 00:43:41,035 Your regular sized white girl, man. Little bit of flesh back there. 865 00:43:41,035 --> 00:43:43,871 "My ass is fat, my ass is fat." 866 00:43:46,833 --> 00:43:48,334 Why are you upset about winning? 867 00:43:51,462 --> 00:43:53,631 Be happy you got a butt instead of a back crack. 868 00:43:55,383 --> 00:43:56,551 Be thankful. 869 00:43:58,010 --> 00:44:02,932 Y'know? Y'know? 870 00:44:02,932 --> 00:44:06,602 And then you got them white girls who think they got more ass than they actually do. 871 00:44:06,602 --> 00:44:09,522 Yeah. "I got black girl booty." No, you're just fat. 872 00:44:11,649 --> 00:44:13,568 Your ass is big in the wrong directions. 873 00:44:15,486 --> 00:44:17,822 The dimensions is-- 874 00:44:17,822 --> 00:44:20,074 Oh, my God. 875 00:44:21,450 --> 00:44:23,911 Y'know? 876 00:44:23,911 --> 00:44:27,665 Black dudes be having big butts sometimes. That's weird. 877 00:44:27,665 --> 00:44:30,126 You see fools-- You see fools walking around like this? 878 00:44:33,838 --> 00:44:36,007 Basketball players be having that shit, man. 879 00:44:36,007 --> 00:44:38,050 Whoo! 880 00:44:38,050 --> 00:44:41,053 When I'll be out sometimes, I'll be like, "Damn, that fool got a big old butt." 881 00:44:43,598 --> 00:44:47,059 Y'know. I don't like it. I'm not a homosexual. 882 00:44:47,059 --> 00:44:49,562 But objectively speaking, the brother got cakes. 883 00:44:51,480 --> 00:44:53,733 Objectively. There's no feelings involved. 884 00:44:55,484 --> 00:44:56,611 Objectively. 885 00:45:01,824 --> 00:45:02,825 All right. 886 00:45:05,494 --> 00:45:09,665 I remember when I was a kid, man, every time I would come home from being out, 887 00:45:09,665 --> 00:45:13,169 my mom would always smell my fingers, to see if I had been smoking weed, right? 888 00:45:13,169 --> 00:45:15,129 -What? -So... Yeah. 889 00:45:15,129 --> 00:45:17,965 Y'know, if I came home from Jack in the Box or hanging out at a friend's house, 890 00:45:17,965 --> 00:45:19,258 she would smell my fingers. 891 00:45:19,258 --> 00:45:21,802 Yo. 892 00:45:21,802 --> 00:45:24,055 I'm hooking up with this girl in my car one night. 893 00:45:25,598 --> 00:45:28,309 Yeah, I'm sure y'all could guess where my fingers ended up. 894 00:45:28,309 --> 00:45:30,102 Her butt. 895 00:45:30,102 --> 00:45:31,479 Oh, my God. 896 00:45:31,479 --> 00:45:33,981 Yeah, I had my fingers in this girl's butt, man. 897 00:45:35,483 --> 00:45:36,859 Y'know? 898 00:45:36,859 --> 00:45:38,611 Past four or like, two in the morning, 899 00:45:38,611 --> 00:45:41,197 I get home, I'm thinking I'm in the clear. 900 00:45:41,197 --> 00:45:44,325 I watch in horror as I see my mom walking my direction down the hallway. 901 00:45:44,325 --> 00:45:46,535 I froze up 'cause I knew what my fingers had been. 902 00:45:48,579 --> 00:45:51,040 -She go. -Oh. 903 00:45:51,040 --> 00:45:54,543 "Oh, Christ, your fingers smell like butt. I ain't smelling your hands no more." 904 00:45:57,964 --> 00:46:00,549 It happened when I was 16, man. 905 00:46:00,549 --> 00:46:03,469 I ain't had my fingers in my mama's face since. 906 00:46:03,469 --> 00:46:06,347 I'm thankful for that butt, 'cause I was smoking weed that night. 907 00:46:09,016 --> 00:46:11,310 When in doubt, stick your fingers in a butt, man. 908 00:46:11,310 --> 00:46:13,562 Y'know, what's crazy... 909 00:46:13,562 --> 00:46:17,650 What's crazy is, man, I stuck my finger in a butt when I lost my virginity. 910 00:46:17,650 --> 00:46:21,028 And at the time I hadn't heard it in a rap song. I hadn't seen it in a porno. 911 00:46:21,028 --> 00:46:23,739 It was just-- There was a hole there, my instincts kicked in. 912 00:46:25,408 --> 00:46:26,701 What else was I to do? 913 00:46:29,954 --> 00:46:32,123 You see a hole, you gotta stick something in it.