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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[CROWD CLAPPING AND CHEERING]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[MUSIC PLAYING]

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MAN: I think I might have,
uh, BPD.

6
00:00:15,182 --> 00:00:18,977
That's, uh,
Black Panther Disorder.

7
00:00:18,977 --> 00:00:21,230
[CROWD LAUGHS]

8
00:00:25,484 --> 00:00:27,986
Man, you guys are so lucky, man.
You guys are blessed.

9
00:00:27,986 --> 00:00:29,738
Y'all almost had Covid
tonight, dawg.

10
00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:33,325
'Cause I thought I had it
about four days ago.

11
00:00:33,325 --> 00:00:36,828
I was like, "You know what?
I still need that 100 bucks,
I'm still gonna perform."

12
00:00:36,828 --> 00:00:38,664
-[CROWD LAUGHS]
-WOMAN: Oh, my God.

13
00:00:38,664 --> 00:00:40,332
I got to make that money, baby.

14
00:00:40,332 --> 00:00:42,876
This phone bill ain't gonna
pay itself. You know what
I mean?

15
00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:45,963
I was going to tell y'all it was
it was because of, like,
my cough.

16
00:00:45,963 --> 00:00:48,257
I was gonna say, uh,
it's because of my ass.

17
00:00:48,257 --> 00:00:49,466
[CROWD LAUGHS]

18
00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:51,426
Thing is, I ain't got ass,
my dawg.

19
00:00:53,929 --> 00:00:56,890
I had a common cold.
I had a common cold, dawg.

20
00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:58,517
[CROWD LAUGHS]

21
00:00:58,517 --> 00:01:00,769
People abandoned
the common cold.
I was like, "Fuck that, bro."

22
00:01:00,769 --> 00:01:03,897
I lost 12 pounds
with a common cold.

23
00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:07,484
My friends are like, "Oh, wow,
Rasheed, you look really good.
Bro, what you been doing?"

24
00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:11,488
Like, "Bro, I got this common
cold, bro. You got to try it."

25
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Got somebody like,
"Damn, bro, you..."

26
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I started flexing on Instagram
too, though.

27
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:20,163
Hashtag you gotta get
into the gym hard, bro.
This is what you can do.

28
00:01:20,163 --> 00:01:23,542
Like, "Bro, let me
get that recipe.
I'll pay 500 bucks for it."

29
00:01:23,542 --> 00:01:26,003
I'm like, "Bro, come over here
and get this common cold, bro."

30
00:01:26,003 --> 00:01:28,463
I got you. Smear it all
over your face.

31
00:01:28,463 --> 00:01:30,173
[CROWD LAUGHS]

32
00:01:31,675 --> 00:01:33,927
Thank God I didn't have
Covid though, man.

33
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Thankful for that.

34
00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:38,724
-[CROWD CHUCKLES]
-'Cause I--

35
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It did work good for my weight.
The comical look. I'm trying
to get back in tip top shape.

36
00:01:42,811 --> 00:01:47,441
Like right before Covid started,
I was ripped up from head
to toe, like 14% body fat.

37
00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:50,569
I had a four pack. I could have
had a six pack, but I'm humble
as fuck.

38
00:01:50,569 --> 00:01:51,945
[CROWD LAUGHS]

39
00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:53,655
Y'know what I mean?
The six pack was kind of like,

40
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"No, dawg. Give that to somebody
else, bro."

41
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I'm like, "Fuck, bro,
don't need no six pack,
that's for assholes."

42
00:02:00,495 --> 00:02:03,123
All the humble people
got four packs or less.

43
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:05,792
Me, Tom Hanks, Forest Whitaker,
bro, all of us.

44
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We humble as fuck, bro.

45
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The fuck,
we needed a six pack.

46
00:02:12,257 --> 00:02:13,884
Only reason I wanna lose
weight too, though, man.

47
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I've got into an argument
with homeless dude, real story.

48
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Only in LA
this could happen.

49
00:02:18,597 --> 00:02:21,475
We was arguing about who
was the greatest basketball
player of all time.

50
00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:23,435
Michael Jordan
or LeBron James.

51
00:02:23,435 --> 00:02:25,228
Of course I said
LeBron James,

52
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because it's the truth, and I,
I'm good at arguments.

53
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He got mad. He got so--
He just like,

54
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"Hey, man, why don't you shut
the fuck up and sit down
with your child bearing hips."

55
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I'm like, "Whoa!"

56
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[CROWD LAUGHS]

57
00:02:34,196 --> 00:02:35,530
My hips?

58
00:02:36,531 --> 00:02:38,784
My hips, bro.

59
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I'm like, "Bro, you could have
kissed my girl in her mouth,
you could've smacked my mama.

60
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"But don't talk about
my hips, bro. What you mean?"

61
00:02:43,330 --> 00:02:47,250
Those are fighting words
on the street, bro. My hips.

62
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I got insecure.
I started doing those
things that women do.

63
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And I was like, " Never again
will you talk about
my fucking hips, bro."

64
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[CROWD LAUGHS]

65
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I've been insecure as fuck.

66
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Like we don't play
where I'm from, man.

67
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I'm originally
from Atlanta, Georgia.

68
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-Not from LA, from Atlanta.
-[MAN WHOOPS]

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Thank you so much for that.

70
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[CROWD LAUGHS]

71
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I grew up very poor, man.

72
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Grew up in the hood. It was hard
growing up in the hood with
a father, man. It was tough.

73
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[CROWD LAUGHS]

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It was a lot of pressure,
a lot of pressure.

75
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'Cause I'm always hearing
the narrative.

76
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"It was so hard growing up
without a father."
Shut up.

77
00:03:25,664 --> 00:03:27,582
Nobody had no expectations
for you, dawg.

78
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Try growing up with a dad.

79
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My dad was over my shoulder
every night while I was doing
my homework.

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And I'd be crying.

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He'd be like, "Shut up.
Before I give you something
to cry about."

82
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I was like, "Man, my teacher
said you're not supposed to be
here statistically, dawg."

83
00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:39,678
-Y'know what I mean?
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

84
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My teacher said that.

85
00:03:44,975 --> 00:03:47,394
-Yeah.
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

86
00:03:50,021 --> 00:03:54,526
My dad encouraged my twin
brother and I to play sports
to stay out of trouble.

87
00:03:54,526 --> 00:03:57,362
I naturally gravitated
towards football.

88
00:03:57,362 --> 00:03:59,739
Is the most aggressive
sport I can think about.

89
00:03:59,739 --> 00:04:03,076
But whatever anger I had
for my father, I took it out
on the football field.

90
00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:04,744
And I play safety.

91
00:04:04,744 --> 00:04:07,456
I'm the guy that hits the guy
that's running the ball.

92
00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:11,460
My dad pissed me off
on Thursday, we had
a game on Friday.

93
00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:13,503
The receiver came
across the middle.
[IMITATES THUDDING]

94
00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:16,840
I hit him hard. Pow! I was like,
"Ooh, you go to bed now,
you go to bed!"

95
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Hmm, I even brushed
my teeth, dawg.

96
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-[GRUNTS]
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

97
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I was having therapy
on that football field.

98
00:04:23,430 --> 00:04:25,932
[CROWD CHUCKLES]

99
00:04:25,932 --> 00:04:28,727
I let this dude named Jacob
convinced me that the reason

100
00:04:28,727 --> 00:04:32,314
why I had not reached my full
potential was because my father
was overly supportive.

101
00:04:32,314 --> 00:04:34,024
I was like, "Bullshit."

102
00:04:34,024 --> 00:04:36,443
He's like, "Bro, your dad
is too supportive."

103
00:04:36,443 --> 00:04:38,361
I'm like, maybe he got a point.

104
00:04:38,361 --> 00:04:41,281
'Cause usually my routine
would be, I would go
from football to basketball

105
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:44,493
to track, like all the sports
that black fathers
come to support.

106
00:04:44,493 --> 00:04:45,869
[CROWD LAUGHS]

107
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I said, "Next, I'm gonna
squish that shit up."

108
00:04:48,747 --> 00:04:50,499
I went from football
to wrestling.

109
00:04:50,499 --> 00:04:51,583
Why wrestling?

110
00:04:51,583 --> 00:04:54,586
Because wrestling
has 136 matches.

111
00:04:54,586 --> 00:04:59,508
I was like, "Ain't no way
in hell my father gonna come
136 wrestling matches."

112
00:04:59,508 --> 00:05:01,927
You know this nigga came
to all 136 wrestling matches.

113
00:05:01,927 --> 00:05:06,473
I'm like, "Bro, come on.
You tripping. You're fucking up
my potential, bro."

114
00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:09,142
At every game and practices,
man? Come on.

115
00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:11,937
I always believe in bringing
dark situations to light
too, y'know.

116
00:05:11,937 --> 00:05:14,523
I lost my mom
when I was 11 years old.

117
00:05:14,523 --> 00:05:16,733
We was too poor to bury her,
so the state of Georgia
buried her.

118
00:05:16,733 --> 00:05:18,276
She has no headstone
or nothing.

119
00:05:18,276 --> 00:05:20,403
I can't make this up.

120
00:05:20,403 --> 00:05:22,822
The guy at the cemetery said,
"Oh, your mom's buried somewhere
in a 400-yard radius."

121
00:05:22,822 --> 00:05:24,741
"If you find her, let me know."

122
00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:28,787
I went to my mother's grave site
one day when when I was sad
on her birthday.

123
00:05:28,787 --> 00:05:31,540
I'm like, "Mom.
I really wish you was here.
I really miss you."

124
00:05:31,540 --> 00:05:34,167
Somebody tapped me
on the shoulder and was like,
" Hey, man,

125
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:37,337
-I think your mom's over there."
I was like, "Oh, okay."
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

126
00:05:38,922 --> 00:05:41,299
-[CROWD CHUCKLES]
-WOMAN: That is fucked up.
[GIGGLES]

127
00:05:41,299 --> 00:05:43,843
After while I got frustrated,
so I started skipping
a certain way.

128
00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:46,471
"Mom, if you was here
just tap me on the foot
or something."

129
00:05:46,471 --> 00:05:48,139
[CROWD LAUGHS]

130
00:05:49,266 --> 00:05:50,559
WOMAN: It's funny.

131
00:05:50,559 --> 00:05:51,560
It doesn't... [MUMBLES]

132
00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:56,231
It's my mama. My dad
and my mama, okay? [CHUCKLES]

133
00:05:56,231 --> 00:05:58,400
You know what's crazy
though, man?

134
00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:00,944
In the state of Georgia,
if you don't get your loved one
a headstone after five years,

135
00:06:00,944 --> 00:06:04,197
-they start stacking the bodies
on top each other. Yeah.
-[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING] Oh.

136
00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:06,199
-Like a massive gravesite.
-WOMAN: That is fucked up.

137
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:08,868
It is. So I'm going to give
my mother really big
headstone one day.

138
00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:11,037
It's going to say,
"... Stephens.

139
00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:13,665
"And all the miscellaneous
people on top of her,
all you guys, rest in peace."

140
00:06:13,665 --> 00:06:16,334
-Stacks on stacks, baby.
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

141
00:06:16,334 --> 00:06:19,045
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

142
00:06:26,344 --> 00:06:29,139
Is this new age segregation
all over again? I tried...

143
00:06:29,139 --> 00:06:35,103
Trying to go to the bathroom,
the door of the bathroom
said, "Vaxxers only."

144
00:06:35,103 --> 00:06:38,815
Dude, stopped me at the door,
he goes like, "Uh-uh,
not so fast, buddy.

145
00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:40,692
"This here, bathroom
is for vaxxers only.

146
00:06:40,692 --> 00:06:43,361
"You'd better keep your own
vaccinated ass
off that toilet seat

147
00:06:43,361 --> 00:06:45,739
where you get what's
coming to you."

148
00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:48,658
-Nigga.
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

149
00:06:48,658 --> 00:06:52,120
And this dude was black,
so I'm just confused,
like shit has got--

150
00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:54,289
This shit has got
a nigga going crazy.

151
00:06:54,289 --> 00:06:56,166
[CROWD LAUGHS]

152
00:06:56,166 --> 00:06:57,459
My name is Tevin Scott.

153
00:06:57,459 --> 00:07:00,128
You know, I'm a filmmaker,
actor and comedian.

154
00:07:00,128 --> 00:07:01,838
Uh, for people that don't
know myself,

155
00:07:01,838 --> 00:07:04,424
you can just think of me
as like, the male Issa Rae.

156
00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:05,592
[CROWD LAUGHS]

157
00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:09,054
Or like-- Or like,
the black Donald Glover.

158
00:07:09,054 --> 00:07:11,514
[CROWD LAUGHS]

159
00:07:12,974 --> 00:07:15,060
I'm a real nigga.
That's what that means.

160
00:07:17,103 --> 00:07:20,774
I'm a real nigga that happens
to be a little bit trans.

161
00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:22,067
Before I let you all know,
I'm not--

162
00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:24,194
I'm not like a trans man
or a trans woman.

163
00:07:24,194 --> 00:07:26,196
I am a trans nigga.

164
00:07:26,196 --> 00:07:27,947
-[CROWD LAUGHS]
-A trigga.

165
00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:30,200
[CROWD LAUGHS]

166
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:31,951
[IN SING-SONG VOICE]
Which one on y'all--

167
00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:34,954
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
I'm non-binary.

168
00:07:34,954 --> 00:07:37,499
Y'all know what that means?
Clap if you know what
non binary means.

169
00:07:37,499 --> 00:07:39,793
-Okay.
-[CROWD CLAPPING]

170
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:42,962
A lot of people don't-- A lot
of people are confused about who
we are, what we're fighting for.

171
00:07:42,962 --> 00:07:45,465
Most people think it's about
pronouns, but you know
I'm black,

172
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:49,219
I'm not worried about getting
misgendered, I'm worried about
getting mistaken as a suspect.

173
00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:51,513
-[CROWD LAUGHS]
-Now that I wear shit
like this, nigga,

174
00:07:51,513 --> 00:07:54,474
-they don't suspect a thing.
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

175
00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:58,895
Yeah. We walking around like,
"Hey, Officer, stop!
Don't shoot!"

176
00:07:58,895 --> 00:08:00,772
Hey, black men,
start painting your nails.

177
00:08:00,772 --> 00:08:03,608
Look, they will not shoot you
if you look like this, y'know.

178
00:08:03,608 --> 00:08:05,652
See this first ...
nail job, y'know.

179
00:08:05,652 --> 00:08:07,570
-[CHUCKLES]
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

180
00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:10,115
Y'know, I'm a--

181
00:08:10,115 --> 00:08:12,951
Let's start learning--
Well, really, I don't
really believe in gender.

182
00:08:12,951 --> 00:08:14,994
I don't believe in gender roles
or nothing like that.

183
00:08:14,994 --> 00:08:17,080
And I'm like, more into
on feminine side, y'know.

184
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:20,083
I learned this about myself
in a recent relationship.
I was with this girl, right?

185
00:08:20,083 --> 00:08:23,503
She was like, "Tevin,
I get a lot of feminine energy
from you,

186
00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:26,965
and I feel like if we was
on a date, and eight niggers
try to harass us,

187
00:08:26,965 --> 00:08:29,342
"I'd feel like I was with one
of my girlfriends.

188
00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:30,719
"So what would you?
What would you do?"

189
00:08:30,719 --> 00:08:32,721
I was like, "Well, shit.

190
00:08:32,721 --> 00:08:35,682
"You feel like I'm your
girlfriend, then bitch we both
running motherfucker"

191
00:08:35,682 --> 00:08:38,309
Also, I don't know who you think
gonna protect you
from eight dudes.

192
00:08:38,309 --> 00:08:41,521
Like who do you think I am?
Jackie Chan, bitch?

193
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:43,940
Bitch, no, we are running like
we're on Rush Hour, bitch!

194
00:08:43,940 --> 00:08:46,317
Carter! Run, Carter!

195
00:08:46,317 --> 00:08:49,821
-Carter! [CHUCKLES] It's stupid.
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

196
00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:53,616
Yeah, man, I know it's a--
It's a confusing term.

197
00:08:53,616 --> 00:08:56,202
I just ask that you guys give us
the same patience

198
00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:58,496
and understanding that
you give to Starbucks.

199
00:08:58,496 --> 00:09:01,583
Y'know, 'cause Starbucks
has been using confusing
terms for years, y'know.

200
00:09:01,583 --> 00:09:03,960
You go to Starbucks
and order a tall drink,

201
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,920
they gonna give you
the smallest cup
in that bitch.

202
00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:07,338
That don't make no sense.

203
00:09:07,338 --> 00:09:09,924
Tall things are tall and small
things are small, right?

204
00:09:09,924 --> 00:09:11,843
-[CROWD LAUGHS]
-Not at Starbucks.

205
00:09:11,843 --> 00:09:13,553
Men are men and women
are women, right?

206
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:17,807
No, in 2022 some niggas
is bitches and some bitches
is niggas.

207
00:09:17,807 --> 00:09:19,434
[CROWD LAUGHS]

208
00:09:20,769 --> 00:09:22,437
And me, I'm a nigga bitch.

209
00:09:22,437 --> 00:09:25,690
[CROWD LAUGHS]

210
00:09:25,690 --> 00:09:28,985
Told us that
to this girl one day,
I was like-- She was like,

211
00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:32,947
"Oh, Tevin, I'm confused.
I just got one question.

212
00:09:32,947 --> 00:09:36,284
"You think you're a woman now?
You want to cut your little
dick off?"

213
00:09:36,284 --> 00:09:39,662
[CROWD LAUGHS]

214
00:09:39,662 --> 00:09:43,082
I was like, "First of all,
that was two questions.

215
00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:47,337
"And second of all,
how you know my dick little?

216
00:09:47,337 --> 00:09:48,671
[CROWD LAUGHS]

217
00:09:48,671 --> 00:09:50,507
She was like, "Well is it big?"

218
00:09:50,507 --> 00:09:51,925
And I was like, "Is tall."

219
00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:53,343
[CROWD LAUGHS]

220
00:09:53,343 --> 00:09:56,304
-[CHUCKLES]
-[CROWD CLAPPING AND LAUGHING]

221
00:09:56,304 --> 00:09:57,347
Y'know...

222
00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:01,976
I got a lot of questions now
that I'm identifying--

223
00:10:01,976 --> 00:10:03,686
People ask about
my sexuality.

224
00:10:03,686 --> 00:10:06,272
I mean, all my life
I've identified as straight,

225
00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:10,068
but these days I felt it's best
to be lesbian.

226
00:10:10,068 --> 00:10:12,070
Yeah, I'm serious.
Y'all looking at me crazy.

227
00:10:12,070 --> 00:10:13,905
I'm like, "No, I really about
this lesbian life,

228
00:10:13,905 --> 00:10:17,283
like I'm a black lesbian
filmmaker. You can call
me Dyke Lee.

229
00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:18,827
[CROWD LAUGHS]

230
00:10:18,827 --> 00:10:20,578
And she's gotta have it.

231
00:10:20,578 --> 00:10:22,455
[CROWD CHUCKLES]

232
00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:24,916
I was thinking, I'm so lesbian,
I'm thinking about getting
me a strap.

233
00:10:24,916 --> 00:10:26,501
[CROWD LAUGHS]

234
00:10:26,501 --> 00:10:28,461
She looking at me crazy.
Like, "Why are you going
to use that?

235
00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:30,046
"Why don't you just
use your own dick.?"

236
00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:31,506
Not in this climate, mm-mm.

237
00:10:31,506 --> 00:10:33,424
[CROWD LAUGHS]

238
00:10:33,424 --> 00:10:36,010
'Cause in this climate,
I got to worry about Covid
and chlamydia, y'know.

239
00:10:36,010 --> 00:10:40,223
So condoms can stop chlamydia,
but it's not gonna stop Covid.

240
00:10:40,223 --> 00:10:43,351
But if I give you 12 inches
of this 7 foot strap,

241
00:10:43,351 --> 00:10:45,103
we still six feet apart.

242
00:10:45,103 --> 00:10:46,187
[CROWD LAUGHS]

243
00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:47,981
And that's social distance...

244
00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:49,566
[CHUCKLES]

245
00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:52,485
I was working at a sex shop
over the pandemic.

246
00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:55,196
-WOMAN: What?
-Yeah. So I'd write jokes
by day,

247
00:10:55,196 --> 00:10:57,365
and I'd sell strap-ons by night.

248
00:10:57,365 --> 00:10:59,075
[CROWD LAUGHS]

249
00:10:59,075 --> 00:11:02,161
Told this one girl and she
was like, "Oh, so you
a sex worker?"

250
00:11:02,161 --> 00:11:03,705
I was like, "Yeah, kind of.
Sort of."

251
00:11:03,705 --> 00:11:06,040
She was like "Oh, me, too.
I work on Crenshaw on 69."

252
00:11:07,709 --> 00:11:10,378
She was like, "I specialize
in wet work."

253
00:11:10,378 --> 00:11:11,921
I'm like, "Wet work,
what's that?"

254
00:11:11,921 --> 00:11:13,506
She said "I pee on men
for money."

255
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:15,258
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING] Oh.

256
00:11:15,258 --> 00:11:17,218
I was like, "Whoa."
She's like, " Yeah, it's a great
paying business.

257
00:11:17,218 --> 00:11:19,429
"I've got eight
clients right now."

258
00:11:19,429 --> 00:11:22,807
I'm like, "Hold on. You got
eight men to pay you
to pee on them?

259
00:11:22,807 --> 00:11:25,143
"Oh, you must got multiple
streams of income, huh?"

260
00:11:25,143 --> 00:11:26,769
[CROWD LAUGHS]

261
00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:30,815
Then she asked me if I wanted
to be number nine.

262
00:11:31,816 --> 00:11:33,318
Girl, that pissed me off.

263
00:11:33,318 --> 00:11:35,862
-[CROWD LAUGHS]
-[CHUCKLES]

264
00:11:35,862 --> 00:11:37,864
She's-- This is a true story.

265
00:11:37,864 --> 00:11:40,950
She's was like, one of her
clients would fly in from Boston
all the way from LA.

266
00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:42,535
All the way to LA just
to get peed on.

267
00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:44,412
He'd rent an Airbnb just
to come get peed on.

268
00:11:44,412 --> 00:11:46,831
I'm like, "Nigga, is the pee
in Boston not good enough?

269
00:11:46,831 --> 00:11:50,710
"Nigga, like, they don't--
They just got the regular...
piss in Boston?

270
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:52,462
"You come here
for the premium piss?"

271
00:11:52,462 --> 00:11:54,672
This don't make no sense.

272
00:11:54,672 --> 00:11:57,342
Yeah, messing with sex workers
and shit, man.

273
00:11:57,342 --> 00:11:59,385
This-- This is the type
of people you attract

274
00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:02,013
when you start dressing
like this and shit, y'know.

275
00:12:02,013 --> 00:12:03,389
[CROWD LAUGHS]

276
00:12:03,389 --> 00:12:07,060
Oh, fuck. Trying to find
me a bae.

277
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:11,189
Who need a bae?
A Broke Ass Entrepreneur.

278
00:12:11,189 --> 00:12:13,483
If that's what you need,
I'm your guy.

279
00:12:13,483 --> 00:12:15,693
I'm broke as shit.

280
00:12:15,693 --> 00:12:18,071
Not even-- I'm not even dating
the right way...

281
00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:20,657
I'm doing something different.
I'm-- I'm courting.

282
00:12:20,657 --> 00:12:23,618
Like in medieval time,
like on Bridgerton.

283
00:12:23,618 --> 00:12:24,953
Anybody watch Bridgerton?

284
00:12:24,953 --> 00:12:26,746
I remember Bridgerton
was like-- Like if I was--

285
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:28,539
If I was a character
on Bridgerton,

286
00:12:28,539 --> 00:12:32,085
I'd be [IN BRITISH ACCENT]
Lord Tevin Scott, the Duke
of Inglewood.

287
00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:34,295
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Your Grace,
if you accept my hand
in marriage,

288
00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:35,588
you can come stay with me
in my castle.

289
00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:39,008
It's a studio apartment
on Crenshaw Boulevard.

290
00:12:39,008 --> 00:12:40,259
[CROWD LAUGHS]

291
00:12:40,259 --> 00:12:42,303
We are 12 months behind
on rent, Your Grace.

292
00:12:42,303 --> 00:12:44,973
But no need to worry.
I applied for the rent relief.

293
00:12:44,973 --> 00:12:46,766
[CROWD LAUGHS]

294
00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:49,018
But if we don't get it,
I'm afraid we're going
to have to move out

295
00:12:49,018 --> 00:12:51,145
and be the Duke
and the Duchess of Skid Row.

296
00:12:51,145 --> 00:12:52,355
[CROWD LAUGHS]

297
00:12:52,355 --> 00:12:53,439
How's that sound?

298
00:12:54,190 --> 00:12:55,900
[LAUGHS]

299
00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:57,860
I don't know what I'mma do.
I've been out here
six years, man.

300
00:12:57,860 --> 00:13:01,030
Still trying to figure it out.
Moved out here six years ago.

301
00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:05,076
Had no job, no house,
no car, right?

302
00:13:05,076 --> 00:13:07,662
Then my girlfriend at the time,
she picks me up from
the airport.

303
00:13:07,662 --> 00:13:10,289
She had news for me.
She was like,
"Tevin, I'm pregnant."

304
00:13:11,332 --> 00:13:13,501
Yeah, so we had
a decision to make.

305
00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:18,047
Either we're going to chase
our dreams or raise this baby.

306
00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:20,508
[IN GAMESHOW HOST VOICE]
We chose dreams for 500, Alex.

307
00:13:20,508 --> 00:13:22,844
[CROWD LAUGHS]

308
00:13:22,844 --> 00:13:26,556
I'd have babies with Alex Trebek
right now.

309
00:13:26,556 --> 00:13:30,268
[IN NORMAL VOICE] No lie.
My first thought when I moved
to LA was Planned Parenthood.

310
00:13:30,268 --> 00:13:33,062
Nigga, we didn't plan
for that shit at all.

311
00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:37,442
Most people when they move
to LA, their first stop
is In-N-Out.

312
00:13:37,442 --> 00:13:40,486
Our trip to Planned Parenthood
was just like In-N-Out...

313
00:13:40,486 --> 00:13:42,822
-[CROWD LAUGHS]
-Frikkin' cheap.

314
00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:46,826
MediCal is a lifesaver, for us,
not the baby.

315
00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:48,453
[CROWD LAUGHS]

316
00:13:49,579 --> 00:13:51,456
That's fucked up,
but also--

317
00:13:51,456 --> 00:13:53,833
Look, I'm not telling--
I'm not trying to make
light of abortion here.

318
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:57,920
I'm just trying to shed light
on my situation, y'know,
because I don't want to be--

319
00:13:57,920 --> 00:14:00,965
I want to have kids one day.
I'm gonna have a very
talented family.

320
00:14:00,965 --> 00:14:03,676
They're gonna be great.
Like the talents,
like the Jacksons, y'know.

321
00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:05,928
Only thing that makes me feel
good about my situation

322
00:14:05,928 --> 00:14:08,097
is knowing
we didn't kill Michael.

323
00:14:08,097 --> 00:14:09,682
We killed Tito.

324
00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:11,309
-[CROWD LAUGHS]
-[LAUGHS]

325
00:14:11,309 --> 00:14:12,769
She over there like,
[IMITATES MICHAEL JACKSON]
"Hee, hee."

326
00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:14,604
...
Hee, hee, hee, hee.

327
00:14:15,938 --> 00:14:17,315
Oh, shit.

328
00:14:17,315 --> 00:14:19,275
It was for good reason.
I had to chase my dreams.

329
00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:21,277
I'm out here chasing my dreams.
I'm a filmmaker.

330
00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:22,987
I got a TV show right now.

331
00:14:22,987 --> 00:14:24,197
It's called The Mecca.

332
00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:25,281
[CROWD CHEERING]

333
00:14:25,281 --> 00:14:26,616
It's an HBCU comedy.

334
00:14:26,616 --> 00:14:28,659
Anybody know about HBCUs?
It's black college--

335
00:14:28,659 --> 00:14:30,870
A historically black
college university.

336
00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:32,455
I went to Howard University.

337
00:14:32,455 --> 00:14:34,582
-Yeah, uh-huh.
-[CROWD CHEERING]

338
00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:37,627
People that don't know
about Howard, I say
Howard is a mystical land

339
00:14:37,627 --> 00:14:42,048
where the most gifted black kids
on earth go, all right?
It's like Hogwarts for niggas.

340
00:14:42,048 --> 00:14:44,884
-[CHUCKLES]
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

341
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:47,470
Yeah. So I've pitching this
series about y'know, this HBCU,

342
00:14:47,470 --> 00:14:50,223
like a different world
for a next generation, right?

343
00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:53,309
And I got it to the top. I got
it to some very important
people, right?

344
00:14:53,309 --> 00:14:56,229
They was like, "Tevin,
we love your show.

345
00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:58,147
"It's a great idea,
great concept.

346
00:14:58,147 --> 00:15:01,192
"We'd love to make it
on one condition.

347
00:15:01,192 --> 00:15:03,820
"You gotta make your character,
the main character, gay."

348
00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:05,446
I was like, "Word?"
They was like "Yeah".

349
00:15:05,446 --> 00:15:07,156
And they started pitching
all this gay shit.

350
00:15:07,156 --> 00:15:09,367
They was like, "Start it with
your love interest

351
00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:12,161
"being a woman
who is going to be your
roommate, right?

352
00:15:12,161 --> 00:15:14,914
"And one day your roommate's
gonna be getting dressed.

353
00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:17,792
"And you're gonna
reach over to your counter,
grab a bottle of Jergens

354
00:15:17,792 --> 00:15:20,169
"and start jerking off
to your roommate.
How's that sound?"

355
00:15:20,169 --> 00:15:21,587
I'm not making this shit up.

356
00:15:21,587 --> 00:15:23,548
-[CROWD CHUCKLES]
-I was like, "That don't--

357
00:15:23,548 --> 00:15:26,300
"That is not authentic,
in my experience at all."

358
00:15:26,300 --> 00:15:27,760
[CROWD LAUGHS]

359
00:15:29,554 --> 00:15:31,389
I would never use Jergens.

360
00:15:31,389 --> 00:15:33,099
-[CROWD LAUGHS]
-[CHUCKLES]

361
00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:34,767
Lube it up!
Nah, I'm just playing.

362
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:36,853
[CROWD LAUGHS]

363
00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:38,020
Stupid.

364
00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:40,106
I stopped talking to them.

365
00:15:40,106 --> 00:15:43,359
I got to another group
of people, that I sold the show,
actually, last year sold it.

366
00:15:43,359 --> 00:15:46,070
-Yeah.
-[CROWD CHEERING]

367
00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:48,197
-For a a six figure deal.
-[CROWD CHEERING]

368
00:15:48,197 --> 00:15:52,285
Yeah. Only bad news is we sold
it to this network called Quibi.

369
00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:53,911
And they are now
out of business.

370
00:15:53,911 --> 00:15:55,288
-[CROWD GROANS]
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

371
00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:57,707
And I got so broke, I don't
even make films no more.

372
00:15:57,707 --> 00:15:59,625
I went from six figures
to working at Chick-fil-A.

373
00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:01,502
Making six figures
with six piece nuggets, nigga.

374
00:16:01,502 --> 00:16:02,670
[CROWD LAUGHS]

375
00:16:02,670 --> 00:16:04,755
It's a very humbling experience.

376
00:16:04,755 --> 00:16:07,216
You know how humbling it is
to have somebody tell you

377
00:16:07,216 --> 00:16:08,676
they want you to run
your own show

378
00:16:08,676 --> 00:16:11,262
to having to run the drive
through line at Chick-fil-A?

379
00:16:11,262 --> 00:16:13,681
Nigga, that is not
the move. nigga.

380
00:16:13,681 --> 00:16:15,558
[CROWD LAUGHS]

381
00:16:15,558 --> 00:16:17,560
Trying to get better this year.

382
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:20,188
I'm in a gym. Anybody started
a new gym memberships this year?

383
00:16:20,188 --> 00:16:21,522
Who in the gym?

384
00:16:21,522 --> 00:16:22,773
-Okay.
-[CROWD CHEERING]

385
00:16:23,608 --> 00:16:25,651
Started, uh...

386
00:16:25,651 --> 00:16:27,486
Started my Planet Fitness
membership.

387
00:16:27,486 --> 00:16:28,988
[CROWD CHEERING]

388
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:30,573
I don't really fuck with
Planet Fitness.

389
00:16:30,573 --> 00:16:32,700
Like, I go on there.
They say, no judgment, nigga,

390
00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:34,160
but I feel the judgment.

391
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:35,411
I'd be judging, too.

392
00:16:35,411 --> 00:16:36,996
[CROWD LAUGHS]

393
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:38,789
I'd be judging her ass
and her ass.

394
00:16:38,789 --> 00:16:42,001
I'm like, hmm, okay. Okay.
You know.
Niggas be judging me.

395
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:45,004
I'm on-- I got weak form.
Doing the squats and--

396
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,131
-TEVIN: Fuck.
-[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

397
00:16:50,593 --> 00:16:52,094
CAESAR: My name is Caesar.

398
00:16:52,094 --> 00:16:53,763
Cono, Caesar Lizardo

399
00:16:53,763 --> 00:16:56,766
So yeah. Thank you very much.
My name is Caesar Lizardo.

400
00:16:56,766 --> 00:16:59,310
-[WOMAN WHOOPS]
-Thank you. Yes, you don't
even know me.

401
00:16:59,310 --> 00:17:01,604
She's like, "Whoo." Yeah.
I know it's confusing.

402
00:17:01,604 --> 00:17:03,522
I'm a black dude
with an Italian name.

403
00:17:03,522 --> 00:17:05,900
Doesn't really make sense
for a lot of people.

404
00:17:05,900 --> 00:17:07,944
What I like to refer
to myself, as "amniguous".

405
00:17:07,944 --> 00:17:09,820
[CROWD LAUGHS]

406
00:17:09,820 --> 00:17:11,572
You don't know what type
of nigga I am.

407
00:17:11,572 --> 00:17:16,827
You don't know if
I'm Brazilian, Egyptian, Drake.

408
00:17:16,827 --> 00:17:18,788
[CROWD LAUGHS]

409
00:17:21,123 --> 00:17:23,042
Y'know what I'm saying.

410
00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:25,336
-I get all of it. Will Smith.
-WOMAN: No.

411
00:17:25,336 --> 00:17:27,672
Yeah. It's 'cause of the ears.
[YELPS]

412
00:17:27,672 --> 00:17:30,466
It's 'cause I'm... [YELLS].
Y'know what I'm saying?

413
00:17:30,466 --> 00:17:33,761
[IMITATES WILL SMITH]
I told Jada to cheat on me.
The entanglement was my idea.

414
00:17:33,761 --> 00:17:35,221
[YELPS] Y'know what I'm saying?

415
00:17:35,221 --> 00:17:36,764
-WOMAN: Oh, my God.
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

416
00:17:36,764 --> 00:17:38,641
I'm just kidding. I love Will.

417
00:17:38,641 --> 00:17:42,603
Yeah, man, I go with it.
Y'know I get-- I get
my race mixed all the time.

418
00:17:42,603 --> 00:17:44,563
Uh, it doesn't matter to me.

419
00:17:44,563 --> 00:17:46,691
I just roll the flow.
You know, I be in Glendale,

420
00:17:46,691 --> 00:17:48,943
and they're like, "Hey,
you Armenian? I'm like,
"Yeah, I'm Armenian, bro.

421
00:17:48,943 --> 00:17:51,028
"Whatever, parev y'know.
Put them right here."

422
00:17:51,028 --> 00:17:52,446
-[CROWD LAUGHS]
-Y'know?

423
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:56,492
I remember one time I got
to the frenzy with Uber.

424
00:17:56,492 --> 00:17:59,370
Uh, because uber was just
getting started
and I'm an idiot.

425
00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:01,080
I didn't really get
how it worked yet.

426
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,206
-Uh.
-[CROWD CHUCKLES]

427
00:18:02,206 --> 00:18:04,375
And the guy, man,
bless his heart.

428
00:18:04,375 --> 00:18:06,544
He was so excited to see me,
it was this Indian dude

429
00:18:06,544 --> 00:18:08,462
was so excited to see me.
I get in the car.

430
00:18:08,462 --> 00:18:11,382
He's like a smile from ear
to ear, just looking at me.

431
00:18:11,382 --> 00:18:13,509
And I can already tell
what he's thinking.

432
00:18:13,509 --> 00:18:16,554
You know, he's looking at me.
He's like, [IN INDIAN ACCENT]
"Where you from, buddy?"

433
00:18:16,554 --> 00:18:18,222
[CROWD LAUGHS]

434
00:18:18,222 --> 00:18:19,890
I just gave him
what he was wants.
I was like, "Oh. Me? Uh...

435
00:18:19,890 --> 00:18:22,977
"Uh, I'm from India..."
[IMITATES PUNJABI SONG]
Right?

436
00:18:22,977 --> 00:18:25,062
Super low key,
not racist at all.

437
00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:27,440
[CROWD LAUGHS]

438
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:28,899
He was like...
[IN INDIAN ACCENT]
"I know it! I look at face,

439
00:18:28,899 --> 00:18:31,569
"I can tell you
one hundred Indian, my friend."

440
00:18:31,569 --> 00:18:34,238
He didn't say percent.
One hundred Indian, right?

441
00:18:34,238 --> 00:18:37,825
Y'know he keeps going on
with all the India shit
and I couldn't keep up.

442
00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:40,036
He was like...
[IN INDIAN ACCENT]
"Curry, curry, curry."

443
00:18:40,036 --> 00:18:42,580
I was like, "Dude. Y'know,
listen, man. I'm sorry.

444
00:18:42,580 --> 00:18:45,041
"I was just playing.
I'm not really Indian, y'know."

445
00:18:45,041 --> 00:18:46,709
[CROWD LAUGHS]

446
00:18:46,709 --> 00:18:48,919
You can see the anguish
and despair on his face.

447
00:18:48,919 --> 00:18:51,964
He's like,
searching for answers.
He's like, "But, but...

448
00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:55,593
"But your parents
are from India, yes?"
[IN INDIAN ACCENT]

449
00:18:55,593 --> 00:18:59,347
I was like, "They're from
Dominican Republic, actually."

450
00:18:59,347 --> 00:19:03,059
[IN INDIAN ACCENT] "Dominican
Republic. Dominican Republic.

451
00:19:04,602 --> 00:19:06,228
"What part of India is this?"

452
00:19:06,228 --> 00:19:08,773
I was like, "Bro,
it's, it's in the Caribbean.

453
00:19:08,773 --> 00:19:11,609
"Well, I mean, technically,
it's in the West Indies."

454
00:19:11,609 --> 00:19:14,278
[IN INDIAN ACCENT]
"You are a West Indian guy."

455
00:19:14,278 --> 00:19:18,115
... just fucking...
[IMITATES PUNJABI SONG]
Right?

456
00:19:18,115 --> 00:19:20,951
...I still got a phone number.

457
00:19:20,951 --> 00:19:22,787
But yeah, man, I am Dominican.

458
00:19:22,787 --> 00:19:25,289
My parents are from
the Dominican Republic.

459
00:19:25,289 --> 00:19:27,541
One of our favorite words
is cono.

460
00:19:27,541 --> 00:19:29,335
I don't know if you guys
have heard it before.

461
00:19:29,335 --> 00:19:31,504
Dominicans, Cubans,
we all use it all the time.

462
00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:35,549
It's like a word of exclamation,
y'know, means like, damn,
shit, fuck, y'know.

463
00:19:35,549 --> 00:19:38,094
My dad uses it every sentence.
He's been telling me
my whole life,

464
00:19:38,094 --> 00:19:40,888
y'know, like, "Hey,
how's it going, cono?
"What's going on, cono?

465
00:19:40,888 --> 00:19:42,640
"Cono, I hurt my foot."
Y'know?

466
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:46,894
Uh, so naturally in 2005,
I get a Facebook
at the ripe age of 18.

467
00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:49,939
And my middle name is Cono.
On Facebook. I'm Caesar
Cono Lizardo.

468
00:19:49,939 --> 00:19:52,650
'Cause fuck it. Why not, y'know?
Like they haven't
stopped me yet.

469
00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:54,693
And Zuckerberg's like.
"That's-- That's exotic."
Y'know?

470
00:19:54,693 --> 00:19:57,780
-WOMAN: Oh, my God.
-So they haven't
caught up to me here.

471
00:19:57,780 --> 00:20:00,449
Until, like a month later,
I get into a Facebook argument.

472
00:20:00,449 --> 00:20:02,868
You know, we're arguing
as you do. I was like,
"Fuck you."

473
00:20:02,868 --> 00:20:04,662
He's like, "Fuck you, fuck you,
fuck you." Right?

474
00:20:04,662 --> 00:20:06,580
He's like, "You know what?
I don't even understand why

475
00:20:06,580 --> 00:20:10,042
"I'm arguing with a guy
whose middle name means pussy."

476
00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:11,585
[CROWD LAUGHS]

477
00:20:11,585 --> 00:20:13,087
And I was--
I was confused, right?

478
00:20:13,087 --> 00:20:15,089
I was like, " What is this
guy talking about?"

479
00:20:15,089 --> 00:20:16,882
I was like, "That's not what
it means."

480
00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:19,176
He's like, "Yeah, that is what
it means." I was like,
"No, it's not.

481
00:20:19,176 --> 00:20:22,388
"It's like a Dominican word
of exclamation. Means like,
damn, shit, fuck, y'know."

482
00:20:22,388 --> 00:20:23,848
So, I go into the whole thing.

483
00:20:23,848 --> 00:20:25,724
He's like, "No, it means like
pussy, toilet, vagina."

484
00:20:25,724 --> 00:20:28,352
I was like, "You know what,
fuck you, guy. All right?
It's 2005.

485
00:20:28,352 --> 00:20:31,772
"I'm gonna mess you up with
something you probably never
heard of. It's called Google."

486
00:20:31,772 --> 00:20:33,774
So I Googled it for him.
Put it in the search bar.

487
00:20:33,774 --> 00:20:36,360
C-O-O-1-6-4-N-O.

488
00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:41,949
And there it is. First entry,
Spanish from Spain.
Slang, pussy.

489
00:20:41,949 --> 00:20:46,495
I was like, "Yo. Wait
a second. What?"

490
00:20:46,495 --> 00:20:50,082
I was like, "That can't be
right. That can't be right. I'll
look at the second entrance."

491
00:20:50,082 --> 00:20:53,252
"Pussy." I was like, "Wait
a second." Third, fourth, fifth,
pussy, pussy, pussy.

492
00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:55,004
I was like, "Okay, hold on
a second, y'know."

493
00:20:55,004 --> 00:20:56,881
Like, I'm started to have
an existential crisis.

494
00:20:56,881 --> 00:20:58,507
Like, I'm starting
to have flashbacks.

495
00:20:58,507 --> 00:21:01,051
All the conversations
I had with my dad.

496
00:21:01,051 --> 00:21:03,721
Y'know, like, "Hey,
how's it going on you, cono?

497
00:21:03,721 --> 00:21:05,598
"Y'know, cono,
my foot hurts."

498
00:21:05,598 --> 00:21:07,892
But now I was like, "Hey,
how's it going, pussy?
What's going on, pussy?

499
00:21:07,892 --> 00:21:09,059
"Pussy, my foot hurts."

500
00:21:09,059 --> 00:21:10,603
[CROWD LAUGHS]

501
00:21:10,603 --> 00:21:14,148
Oh, my God, has my dad been
calling me a pussy for 18 years?

502
00:21:14,148 --> 00:21:15,774
-[CROWD LAUGHS]
-Y'know.

503
00:21:16,609 --> 00:21:18,944
So I confronted him.

504
00:21:18,944 --> 00:21:24,116
I was like, "Yo, Papi , que
pasa, man? What's going on?
Is this really what it means?"

505
00:21:24,116 --> 00:21:27,369
And I remember, he said it
in the most nonchalant
Dominican way possible.

506
00:21:27,369 --> 00:21:30,372
He was eating a plantain,
he's like, "Oh, yeah,
you didn't know that?

507
00:21:30,372 --> 00:21:33,792
I was like, "What?
No, I didn't know!" Y'know?

508
00:21:33,792 --> 00:21:35,002
[CROWD LAUGHS]

509
00:21:35,002 --> 00:21:36,462
He's like, "Yeah, como cono
tu madre."

510
00:21:36,462 --> 00:21:37,796
I was like, "Aah!"

511
00:21:37,796 --> 00:21:40,174
-My head exploded, y'know.
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

512
00:21:40,174 --> 00:21:42,927
'Cause I don't know
if you can translate Spanish.
It sounds like you can.

513
00:21:42,927 --> 00:21:46,180
Uh, like cono cu madre
is pussy of your mother.

514
00:21:46,180 --> 00:21:47,556
-Right? It's like...
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

515
00:21:47,556 --> 00:21:49,391
Maybe some kind of
Scar-faced Dracula.

516
00:21:49,391 --> 00:21:51,644
"Pussy of your mother, man.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah."

517
00:21:51,644 --> 00:21:53,479
-Like, damn.
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

518
00:21:53,479 --> 00:21:56,106
Fucking crazy.

519
00:21:56,106 --> 00:21:58,817
So, yeah, you can add me
on Facebook. I'm Caesar
Cono Lizardo.

520
00:21:58,817 --> 00:22:00,110
But you know what it means.

521
00:22:00,110 --> 00:22:01,946
[CROWD LAUGHS]

522
00:22:03,113 --> 00:22:05,658
Yeah, man, I love it.
I love it.

523
00:22:05,658 --> 00:22:09,453
Uh, I love my family.
I'm one of the first people
in my family to go to college.

524
00:22:09,453 --> 00:22:11,789
-[CROWD CHEERING]
-And not graduate.

525
00:22:11,789 --> 00:22:13,457
And not graduate.
I didn't finish.

526
00:22:13,457 --> 00:22:16,126
Uh, yeah. [LAUGHS]
I'm a big dumb ass.

527
00:22:16,126 --> 00:22:18,671
Yeah. Smart but so stupid.
So stupid.

528
00:22:18,671 --> 00:22:23,133
Uh, it's really sad, too. Like,
everybody in my family is way
more educated than me.

529
00:22:23,133 --> 00:22:24,760
And it's crazy when
you think, like,

530
00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:28,514
my parents came from a third
world country in the early 80s.

531
00:22:28,514 --> 00:22:30,641
Came here, started from nothing.

532
00:22:30,641 --> 00:22:31,934
Four jobs each.

533
00:22:31,934 --> 00:22:33,769
Three kids in private school.

534
00:22:33,769 --> 00:22:37,773
Now, they're all making
six figures. Like,
they did it right, y'know.

535
00:22:37,773 --> 00:22:41,735
And like, here I am. I got a 500
credit score and I'm driving
for Instacart.

536
00:22:41,735 --> 00:22:44,738
It's like, they just look at me
like, " Hey, man, you have
no excuses, okay, cono?

537
00:22:44,738 --> 00:22:47,866
"You have no excuses."
That's how my dad talks.

538
00:22:47,866 --> 00:22:50,995
He's always thinking.
You know, thinking, thinking,
thinking, thinking.

539
00:22:50,995 --> 00:22:54,039
[IN SING-SONG VOICE]
"You have to ask yourself
and then hope, y'know."

540
00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:56,917
-[CROWD LAUGHS]
-He's right. I don't have
any excuses.

541
00:22:56,917 --> 00:22:59,712
Y'know, they led
by perfect example.
Y'know, they got their degrees.

542
00:22:59,712 --> 00:23:01,422
My sister got her degree.

543
00:23:01,422 --> 00:23:05,009
I might as well just double
majored in Beer Pong
and Halo 3.

544
00:23:05,009 --> 00:23:08,762
That's what the fuck
I was doing. Uh, yeah
a big waste of time.

545
00:23:08,762 --> 00:23:11,056
Then my little brother--
Here's where it gets cool.

546
00:23:11,056 --> 00:23:14,268
He got a full ride
to Yale, right?

547
00:23:14,268 --> 00:23:17,062
We're all super proud
of him, right?

548
00:23:17,062 --> 00:23:21,900
But then he decided to go get
his Masters at University
of Pennsylvania,

549
00:23:21,900 --> 00:23:23,819
which is also
another Ivy League.

550
00:23:23,819 --> 00:23:26,697
And I was like, "Yo, bro, Bro,
bro, bro, slow down, slow down.

551
00:23:26,697 --> 00:23:29,533
"Bro, you making me look bad.
Let me catch up, y'know."

552
00:23:29,533 --> 00:23:31,577
He's like, "Caesar, you're
making yourself look bad."

553
00:23:31,577 --> 00:23:33,329
I was like, "Fuck, he's got me.
You got me."

554
00:23:33,329 --> 00:23:36,457
With that big ass,
double Ivy League brain of his.

555
00:23:36,457 --> 00:23:38,584
He got me, y'know.

556
00:23:38,584 --> 00:23:42,504
I remember when my dad found out
my brother was going to Yale,

557
00:23:42,504 --> 00:23:44,882
he was confusing all of his
white friends, right?

558
00:23:44,882 --> 00:23:47,384
He's going around with
tears in his eyes.

559
00:23:47,384 --> 00:23:51,472
He was like, "My son
is jail, cono." [CRIES]

560
00:23:51,472 --> 00:23:55,225
Like, "Oh, my God,
what did he do?"
"He did what he had to do."

561
00:23:55,225 --> 00:23:57,645
"How long is he in for?"
"He's in for four years."

562
00:23:57,645 --> 00:24:00,773
Can you believe it?
[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]
Thinking, thinking... Confusion.

563
00:24:00,773 --> 00:24:02,816
[CROWD LAUGHS]

564
00:24:02,816 --> 00:24:03,942
Yeah, man.

565
00:24:04,526 --> 00:24:06,362
See, Tony Lizardo.

566
00:24:06,362 --> 00:24:09,198
I'm also, uh, chocolatepapi
on Instagram.

567
00:24:09,198 --> 00:24:11,867
-I know. Stupid name. [CHUCKLES]
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

568
00:24:11,867 --> 00:24:14,161
Follow me, please.
I need the help.

569
00:24:14,161 --> 00:24:17,873
I have, like, 500 followers,
and I'm following 1000.

570
00:24:17,873 --> 00:24:21,543
So my equity is just
through the floor, y'know.

571
00:24:21,543 --> 00:24:24,171
And then-- And then
it's like my ego,
'cause I'm a comic,

572
00:24:24,171 --> 00:24:26,674
I'm like, "These motherfuckers
trying to shadow ban me.

573
00:24:26,674 --> 00:24:28,592
"They don't want me
to be great, y' know."

574
00:24:28,592 --> 00:24:31,929
But then it's like,
my insecurities just roundhouse
kick me to the face.

575
00:24:31,929 --> 00:24:34,139
Like, "You suck."
And I'm like... [SOBS]
"They're right."

576
00:24:34,139 --> 00:24:36,100
So, yes, chocolatepapicomedy.

577
00:24:36,100 --> 00:24:39,645
It is because I am chocolatey
and I am a papi.

578
00:24:39,645 --> 00:24:41,063
I'm a father.

579
00:24:41,063 --> 00:24:43,941
I have a four-year-old daughter,
as of yesterday.

580
00:24:43,941 --> 00:24:45,734
[CROWD CHEERING]

581
00:24:45,734 --> 00:24:49,905
I mean, I didn't just
get her yesterday.
She turned four yesterday.

582
00:24:49,905 --> 00:24:51,240
-[CHUCKLES]
-[CROWD CHUCKLES]

583
00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:53,867
Yeah, man. She's awesome.
Her name is Mia.

584
00:24:53,867 --> 00:24:56,954
I wanted to name her Daisy,
though. 'Cause
she's an oopsie-daisy.

585
00:24:56,954 --> 00:25:00,833
We didn't plan her,
y'know what I mean?
But we made her with love.

586
00:25:00,833 --> 00:25:02,292
-We made her with love.
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

587
00:25:02,292 --> 00:25:04,128
I'll tell you exactly
how much love.

588
00:25:04,128 --> 00:25:09,216
Um, to be specific,
it was for sure, for sure,

589
00:25:09,216 --> 00:25:12,594
the farthest skeet I've ever
skeeted in my life, okay?

590
00:25:12,594 --> 00:25:15,305
And I know for two reasons.
I know for two reasons.

591
00:25:15,305 --> 00:25:18,726
First reason is because when
I busted, I went cross eyed,

592
00:25:18,726 --> 00:25:21,103
and that had never
happened before, all right.

593
00:25:21,103 --> 00:25:24,106
And it's just the power
of the explosion.

594
00:25:24,106 --> 00:25:26,233
-[MOANS AND GRUNTS]
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

595
00:25:26,233 --> 00:25:30,362
And then the second reason,
is because there's a little
bell in there.

596
00:25:30,362 --> 00:25:33,157
If you shoot it far enough,
it's like a spittoon.

597
00:25:33,157 --> 00:25:35,367
So, when I busted,
it was like...
[MOANS AND IMITATES CLINK].

598
00:25:35,367 --> 00:25:37,745
And it was like,
she just came out...
[KISSES] ...perfect.

599
00:25:37,745 --> 00:25:39,371
-Um...
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

600
00:25:39,371 --> 00:25:41,248
When she grows older,
and hears this,
it's gonna be weird.

601
00:25:41,248 --> 00:25:45,210
It's gonna be a weird
conversation.
But I'll like it.

602
00:25:45,210 --> 00:25:47,921
-Um... [CHUCKLES]
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

603
00:25:47,921 --> 00:25:49,965
Yeah, man, she's awesome.

604
00:25:49,965 --> 00:25:51,592
She's a little white girl.

605
00:25:51,592 --> 00:25:53,927
That's not what makes
her awesome.
Not trying to say that.

606
00:25:53,927 --> 00:25:55,554
-[CHUCKLES]
[CROWD LAUGHS]

607
00:25:55,554 --> 00:25:57,765
But her mom is why.
Her mom is from Montana.

608
00:25:57,765 --> 00:26:00,142
In case you were wondering
how white she is.

609
00:26:00,142 --> 00:26:01,560
Um...

610
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:05,063
Which is one of the top three
whitest states out there,
right after White-aho,

611
00:26:05,063 --> 00:26:06,231
[CROWD LAUGHS]

612
00:26:06,231 --> 00:26:08,025
And Maine, which is mainly
white people.

613
00:26:08,025 --> 00:26:10,527
So, she's up there
in the white hierarchy,
y'know what I'm saying?

614
00:26:10,527 --> 00:26:13,363
-Y'know, it's pretty awesome.
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

615
00:26:13,363 --> 00:26:17,201
Uh, because I've never had
white privilege in my life.
Y'know what I mean?

616
00:26:17,201 --> 00:26:19,411
But now I have,
like, a little-- A daughter,

617
00:26:19,411 --> 00:26:22,581
who is undeniably mine.
Like, if you take my stupid face

618
00:26:22,581 --> 00:26:26,168
and you put it on the cutest
little white girl you've ever
seen, that's our dynamic.

619
00:26:26,168 --> 00:26:28,337
Y'know what I mean?
Y'know, it's pretty awesome.

620
00:26:28,337 --> 00:26:31,173
So now it's like I'm not walking
her around the mall.

621
00:26:31,173 --> 00:26:32,758
She's walking me around
the mall.

622
00:26:32,758 --> 00:26:34,384
Like, "Look, I got
a motherfucker, y'know
what I'm saying?"

623
00:26:34,384 --> 00:26:37,763
I'm living vicariously
through her, you understand?

624
00:26:37,763 --> 00:26:42,518
So I'm excited, y'know,
like, I want to experience
white privilege too, y'know.

625
00:26:42,518 --> 00:26:45,938
Like, hopefully it's not like
investing in Toys "R" Us
in 2013.

626
00:26:45,938 --> 00:26:47,481
Like, I got in
too late, y'know.

627
00:26:47,481 --> 00:26:51,026
But, y'know, I'm trying
to live. I'm trying to live.

628
00:26:51,026 --> 00:26:53,487
Y'know, like, I want to start
sending shit back
at restaurants.

629
00:26:53,487 --> 00:26:56,198
I feel like that's something
white people might try
to get away with.

630
00:26:56,198 --> 00:26:57,950
-Is it? I don't know, y'know.
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

631
00:26:57,950 --> 00:27:00,160
I'd just be like,
in a restaurant,
"Hey, garcon, garcon."

632
00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:05,207
Start calling niggas garcon.
"Garcon, yes, uh,
this fish is no good.

633
00:27:05,207 --> 00:27:09,670
"It's-- It's a little
undercooked. Can you--
Can you send it back, please?"

634
00:27:09,670 --> 00:27:13,423
"Sir, this is tuna.
This is literally sushi. It..."

635
00:27:13,423 --> 00:27:16,718
And, like, "Yes. No,
I understand. You see my white
daughter right there, right?

636
00:27:16,718 --> 00:27:20,681
"Just tell the chef,
he'll understand. Oh, garcon,
before you leave, come back.

637
00:27:20,681 --> 00:27:24,434
"This pinot grigio, it's not
grigio enough. Send it back!"
Y'know.

638
00:27:24,434 --> 00:27:25,894
[CROWD LAUGHS]

639
00:27:25,894 --> 00:27:27,062
"Sir, you have to leave now."

640
00:27:27,062 --> 00:27:29,147
"No, I understand. I got you."

641
00:27:29,147 --> 00:27:30,941
-[CHUCKLES]
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

642
00:27:30,941 --> 00:27:32,943
White privilege, man.

643
00:27:32,943 --> 00:27:36,905
She's incredibly smart,
my daughter. She--
I'm so proud of her.

644
00:27:36,905 --> 00:27:38,532
So proud of her.

645
00:27:38,532 --> 00:27:41,994
Um, but she,
she scares me sometimes.
Like, when she was one,

646
00:27:41,994 --> 00:27:43,829
she was learning
how to talk.

647
00:27:43,829 --> 00:27:46,623
Scared the shit out of me, okay.
Because she pointed in my face,

648
00:27:46,623 --> 00:27:50,252
mad aggressive and said
the N word five times.

649
00:27:50,252 --> 00:27:51,879
-[CROWD EXCLAIMS] Whoa.
-Yeah.

650
00:27:52,963 --> 00:27:56,174
She was like,
"No, no, no, no, no."

651
00:27:56,174 --> 00:27:58,844
[CROWD LAUGHS]

652
00:27:58,844 --> 00:28:01,263
I was like, "Mia,
where'd you learn that?"

653
00:28:01,263 --> 00:28:03,765
She was like,
"Come on, nigga. Shit."

654
00:28:03,765 --> 00:28:06,184
I was like, "Get your little ass
out of here." Y'know.

655
00:28:06,184 --> 00:28:07,477
[CROWD LAUGHS]

656
00:28:07,477 --> 00:28:09,605
She's been listening to too much
Drake and Future.

657
00:28:09,605 --> 00:28:13,358
Daddy's gonna have to start
listening to Kidz Bop.
[CHUCKLES]

658
00:28:13,358 --> 00:28:14,735
Oh, man.

659
00:28:15,819 --> 00:28:18,530
My daughter, she's cool. Um...

660
00:28:18,530 --> 00:28:22,284
I got her ballet classes
for Christmas.

661
00:28:22,284 --> 00:28:25,370
And I was telling my dad,
I was on the phone with him,

662
00:28:25,370 --> 00:28:27,623
and I was like, "Yeah, I got her
ballet classes."

663
00:28:27,623 --> 00:28:30,918
He's like, "Ballet classes?
What? Is she gonna be parking
cars or something like that?"

664
00:28:30,918 --> 00:28:33,003
I was like, "Okay,
you know what?

665
00:28:33,003 --> 00:28:38,175
"This one's going
in the notebook.
Thank you very much, Papi."

666
00:28:38,175 --> 00:28:39,843
[SINGS INDISTINCTLY]

667
00:28:39,843 --> 00:28:41,386
[CROWD LAUGHS]

668
00:28:44,264 --> 00:28:45,724
Yeah.

669
00:28:45,724 --> 00:28:46,892
Um... [CHUCKLES]

670
00:28:48,727 --> 00:28:53,649
[HUMS] That's how he parks
cars, too. [HUMS]

671
00:28:53,649 --> 00:28:55,525
[CROWD LAUGHS]

672
00:28:55,525 --> 00:28:57,277
Yeah, man.
I hate politics.

673
00:28:57,277 --> 00:28:59,947
I think we can all agree
politics suck, right?

674
00:28:59,947 --> 00:29:02,908
Uh... Like, look, they suck.

675
00:29:02,908 --> 00:29:07,120
I, I think it's just ridiculous
that last year I had to go vote

676
00:29:07,120 --> 00:29:12,668
in a special recall election
for the governor of California.

677
00:29:12,668 --> 00:29:16,630
And I went, not because I felt
like he's doing a good
or bad job either way.

678
00:29:16,630 --> 00:29:18,048
I didn't really care.

679
00:29:18,048 --> 00:29:21,551
I just didn't want California
to accidentally

680
00:29:21,551 --> 00:29:23,679
make Caitlyn Jenner
our governor, right?

681
00:29:23,679 --> 00:29:26,765
'Cause she was on the ballot.
That was a real possibility
that could have happened.

682
00:29:26,765 --> 00:29:28,976
Y'know, I was scared.
I'm not gonna lie.

683
00:29:28,976 --> 00:29:32,312
Y'know, Americans are dumb.-
We've proven ourselves time
and time again.

684
00:29:32,312 --> 00:29:33,897
Uh... [CHUCKLES]

685
00:29:33,897 --> 00:29:37,109
So I went out there for y'all.
For us. All right. Thank you.

686
00:29:37,109 --> 00:29:39,778
And, y'know, Caitlyn Jenner,
whatever. She's cool
or whatever,

687
00:29:39,778 --> 00:29:41,947
but we can all agree
she's not all there, right?

688
00:29:41,947 --> 00:29:45,534
She's a little nutty, right?
Like where does she get
the balls? I don't know.

689
00:29:45,534 --> 00:29:47,995
-[CROWD LAUGHS]
-Listen. Listen, listen.

690
00:29:49,538 --> 00:29:51,540
I'mma say some shit,
but I love trans people.

691
00:29:51,540 --> 00:29:53,792
So don't even try to say--
Don't try to cancel me.

692
00:29:53,792 --> 00:29:56,420
It might happen. It might not.
I don't know,
we'll figure it out.

693
00:29:56,420 --> 00:30:00,590
But I'm just-- It's like,
I'm trying figure out like,
where she got that idea.

694
00:30:00,590 --> 00:30:03,468
Like, why does she think
that she was a viable
candidate, y'know?

695
00:30:03,468 --> 00:30:08,181
Like, was she just in the house,
y'know, like, "Well, if Kanye
can run for president.

696
00:30:08,181 --> 00:30:10,017
"I can run for President,
too, right?"

697
00:30:10,017 --> 00:30:11,977
Like, I don't know
if that's how she talks.

698
00:30:11,977 --> 00:30:13,979
I'm just guessing. [CHUCKLES]

699
00:30:13,979 --> 00:30:15,605
Y'know, like...

700
00:30:15,605 --> 00:30:19,026
Like, I know she changed
her giblets and now has
a lady box.

701
00:30:19,026 --> 00:30:22,112
But I feel like she still has
the same voice box.
So that's how she sounds.

702
00:30:22,112 --> 00:30:26,408
[GRUNTS] "If Kanye can run
for president, I can..."

703
00:30:26,408 --> 00:30:29,286
She realized she didn't have
enough for president
money, right?

704
00:30:29,286 --> 00:30:32,956
Like, she got to the store.
She's like, "Hey, let me get one
of those presidential tickets.

705
00:30:32,956 --> 00:30:34,041
"Yeah. How much?

706
00:30:34,041 --> 00:30:36,001
"Half a billion dollars?

707
00:30:36,001 --> 00:30:39,087
"Kanye's got half a billion?
Jesus Christ.

708
00:30:39,087 --> 00:30:42,257
"Well, I got 15 mil, all right?
These surgeries
are getting expensive.

709
00:30:42,257 --> 00:30:44,092
"How much would
that get me?

710
00:30:44,092 --> 00:30:46,094
"A governor?
Oh, okay, I'll run for governor.

711
00:30:46,094 --> 00:30:47,679
"Okay, yeah. Give it to me.

712
00:30:47,679 --> 00:30:50,307
"Republican? Fuck.
What do you think, I'm crazy?

713
00:30:50,307 --> 00:30:52,309
"Okay, yeah. Give it to me,
give it to me."

714
00:30:52,309 --> 00:30:54,478
Like, she ran
as a Republican, people!

715
00:30:54,478 --> 00:30:58,523
That's how you know she doesn't
have it all there, all right.
She ran as a Republican.

716
00:30:58,523 --> 00:31:00,358
That's crazy to me.

717
00:31:00,358 --> 00:31:02,944
Y'know, they are actively
doing shit to make sure
that people like her

718
00:31:02,944 --> 00:31:04,738
don't do what
she's trying to do.

719
00:31:04,738 --> 00:31:07,449
Y'know, she should just stick
to doing what she's been doing.

720
00:31:07,449 --> 00:31:11,828
Just be a focal port for trans
issues and, y'know,
be an icon for those people

721
00:31:11,828 --> 00:31:14,247
and everything, y'know,
She shouldn't run for office.

722
00:31:14,247 --> 00:31:17,918
She should work
at the post office, okay.

723
00:31:17,918 --> 00:31:20,295
'Cause this should be
the ultimate transgender person.

724
00:31:20,295 --> 00:31:24,841
Think about it.
She'd be a female mailman...

725
00:31:27,177 --> 00:31:31,848
...who's not only a postman
but is post man.

726
00:31:31,848 --> 00:31:33,558
[CROWD LAUGHS]

727
00:31:33,558 --> 00:31:35,102
Y'know what I'm saying?

728
00:31:35,102 --> 00:31:37,479
[CROWD CLAPPING AND CHEERING]

729
00:31:37,479 --> 00:31:40,440
And then-- And then just
change her middle name
to Trans.

730
00:31:40,440 --> 00:31:41,900
She'll be Caitlyn
Trans Jenner.

731
00:31:41,900 --> 00:31:44,903
Boom! All right, that's just--
That's just beautiful.

732
00:31:44,903 --> 00:31:46,238
That is beautiful.

733
00:31:46,238 --> 00:31:48,573
[GRUNTING] "May be I should
run for president."

734
00:31:48,573 --> 00:31:52,911
Whatever. [CHUCKLES] Yeah, man.
Politics. Stupid.

735
00:31:52,911 --> 00:31:56,748
I remember a few years ago.
Maybe you guys were here.

736
00:31:56,748 --> 00:31:59,709
Maybe you saw it.
There was like,
a transcontinental

737
00:31:59,709 --> 00:32:02,254
migration of monarch
butterflies in LA.

738
00:32:02,254 --> 00:32:04,339
You guys remember
seeing this shit?

739
00:32:04,339 --> 00:32:07,008
-[CROWD EXCLAIMING] Yeah.
-[IN SING-SONG VOICE] Millions
of butterflies in the sky.

740
00:32:07,008 --> 00:32:08,468
Right? It was beautiful, right?

741
00:32:08,468 --> 00:32:09,970
-[CROWD EXCLAIMING] Yeah.
-Um...

742
00:32:09,970 --> 00:32:11,388
Yeah, right?

743
00:32:11,388 --> 00:32:13,723
[SINGING] ♪ Take a look,
it's in a book... ♪

744
00:32:13,723 --> 00:32:15,767
Whatever. [CHUCKLES]

745
00:32:15,767 --> 00:32:17,686
-WOMAN: Reading Rainbow.
-MAN: Reading Rainbow?

746
00:32:17,686 --> 00:32:20,564
Reading Rainbow, yeah.
I brought it back for y'all.
Mm-hmm.

747
00:32:20,564 --> 00:32:22,149
[CROWD LAUGHS]

748
00:32:22,149 --> 00:32:23,859
Going back to these
butterflies, right?

749
00:32:23,859 --> 00:32:30,073
So... [LAUGHS] Yeah, man,
it was crazy because
when Donald Trump,

750
00:32:30,073 --> 00:32:34,327
who was president at the time,
found out that they were
crossing the border from Mexico

751
00:32:34,327 --> 00:32:37,330
to the United States,
he was like, [IMITATES TRUMP]
"Listen up, people.

752
00:32:37,330 --> 00:32:40,709
"We gotta put an end
to this right now, okay?"

753
00:32:40,709 --> 00:32:43,044
"They're not bringing
their best butterflies.

754
00:32:43,044 --> 00:32:46,715
"They're bringing the killers,
the rapists, their moths.

755
00:32:46,715 --> 00:32:48,884
"All right, we got to put
an end to this now.

756
00:32:48,884 --> 00:32:52,596
"We're going to build
a giant net in the sky.

757
00:32:52,596 --> 00:32:54,723
"There'll be like a big wall.

758
00:32:54,723 --> 00:32:58,268
"The butterflies are going
to pay for it."
Y'know what I mean?

759
00:32:59,102 --> 00:33:00,812
-Stupid.
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

760
00:33:01,771 --> 00:33:04,691
Yeah, man. [LAUGHS]

761
00:33:04,691 --> 00:33:07,986
Oh, man. I like weird
sexual preferences.

762
00:33:07,986 --> 00:33:09,446
I have some. I don't know.

763
00:33:09,446 --> 00:33:11,740
I don't know if it's weird
that I like feet.

764
00:33:11,740 --> 00:33:14,409
-[CROWD LAUGHS]
-MAN: So weird.

765
00:33:14,409 --> 00:33:16,578
-MAN: It's a little weird.
-A little weird? Eh.

766
00:33:16,578 --> 00:33:18,663
-WOMAN:
It's not weird at all.
-Don't shame me.

767
00:33:18,663 --> 00:33:22,042
This guy's like,
"Hey, not weird at all."
See? He knows. [LAUGHS]

768
00:33:22,042 --> 00:33:24,628
He's like, " Don't shame me
either, bro." [LAUGHS]

769
00:33:24,628 --> 00:33:27,422
Maybe it's just weird
that I wrote a song about it.

770
00:33:27,422 --> 00:33:29,216
-[LAUGHS]
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

771
00:33:30,425 --> 00:33:31,635
It goes like this.

772
00:33:31,635 --> 00:33:35,180
[BEATBOXING]

773
00:33:38,266 --> 00:33:40,393
♪ Whoo!
Three, six, nine

774
00:33:40,393 --> 00:33:42,562
♪ Damn her feet fine,
But it doesn't mean... ♪

775
00:33:42,562 --> 00:33:45,523
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

776
00:33:47,234 --> 00:33:50,904
-CHRIS: Jesus Christ.
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

777
00:33:50,904 --> 00:33:56,409
I deal with all the evils
of the world.
Murderer, rape, thievery.

778
00:33:56,409 --> 00:34:01,039
But if you accept Pfizer
to your left arm,
you'll still get on...

779
00:34:02,749 --> 00:34:04,167
[CROWD LAUGHS]

780
00:34:05,502 --> 00:34:07,504
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

781
00:34:07,504 --> 00:34:08,964
[CROWD LAUGHS]

782
00:34:10,006 --> 00:34:11,132
CHRIS: Ha-ha.

783
00:34:12,008 --> 00:34:13,677
-[CROWD LAUGHS]
-Shit.

784
00:34:13,677 --> 00:34:15,595
Where'd that come from?

785
00:34:15,595 --> 00:34:17,847
That was a strangely
timed laugh.

786
00:34:19,975 --> 00:34:20,976
Strange.

787
00:34:21,768 --> 00:34:23,061
You look cool as fuck, man.

788
00:34:24,271 --> 00:34:25,897
Yeah, you look
cool as fuck, man.

789
00:34:25,897 --> 00:34:28,191
-MAN: I appreciate that.
-You sitting here,
all cool and shit.

790
00:34:28,191 --> 00:34:29,317
[CROWD LAUGHS]

791
00:34:29,317 --> 00:34:30,944
Where you from?
Chicago or something?

792
00:34:30,944 --> 00:34:33,154
-MAN: Nah,
Little Rock, Arkansas.
-Little Rock, Arkansas.

793
00:34:33,154 --> 00:34:35,198
Little Rock. My family--
I got family in Arkansas, man.

794
00:34:35,198 --> 00:34:37,826
-MAN: Already, already.
-[IMITATES MAN]
Already, already.

795
00:34:37,826 --> 00:34:39,953
-[CROWD LAUGHS]
-Already.

796
00:34:39,953 --> 00:34:41,329
I remember,
back in the day, man,

797
00:34:41,329 --> 00:34:43,832
when Houston was hot
for like one year in hip-hop,

798
00:34:43,832 --> 00:34:45,250
like Mike Jones and Paul Wall.

799
00:34:45,250 --> 00:34:47,210
I remember
they used to say
that shit all the time.

800
00:34:47,210 --> 00:34:48,837
Be like, "Already."

801
00:34:48,837 --> 00:34:50,630
That was a very
specific reference.

802
00:34:53,591 --> 00:34:57,053
Mike Jones and Paul Wall
in there. That was a very
specific reference.

803
00:34:57,053 --> 00:34:58,555
You probably young
as fuck, probably.

804
00:34:58,555 --> 00:35:00,015
You don't know what I'm--
How old--

805
00:35:00,015 --> 00:35:02,100
-WOMAN: I'm 20.
-That's why you don't know.
Okay.

806
00:35:05,186 --> 00:35:06,855
I be working, man.
I still got a job.

807
00:35:06,855 --> 00:35:09,232
-I've still got one of those,
y'know?
-[WOMAN WHOOPS]

808
00:35:09,232 --> 00:35:12,277
-Yeah! Yeah, oh, God!
Mother--
-WOMAN: Oh, God.

809
00:35:12,277 --> 00:35:13,403
Y'know what I'm saying?

810
00:35:14,362 --> 00:35:16,531
I work in placement, man. Uh...

811
00:35:16,531 --> 00:35:18,575
If you don't know what
a placement is, basically,

812
00:35:18,575 --> 00:35:21,620
kids get released from juvenile
hall and gets them to live where
I work at that,

813
00:35:21,620 --> 00:35:23,580
to help with
their issues, right.

814
00:35:23,580 --> 00:35:25,790
And I work with
a lot of gang members.

815
00:35:25,790 --> 00:35:27,959
They're a fun bunch. Um...

816
00:35:27,959 --> 00:35:30,754
If you don't know, every gang
got disses for their hood.

817
00:35:30,754 --> 00:35:33,798
And those disses will be based
off of the initials
or the name of that hood

818
00:35:33,798 --> 00:35:36,134
Like, there's a Hispanic gang
called Playboys.

819
00:35:36,134 --> 00:35:38,553
And one of the disses them
is peanut butter, right?

820
00:35:38,553 --> 00:35:40,430
So I was at work one day.

821
00:35:40,430 --> 00:35:42,974
I'm like-- I'm like, "Hey, man,
why don't you pass
the peanut butter?"

822
00:35:42,974 --> 00:35:46,144
This kid was like, "Hey, fool.
Watch that word, dawg!"

823
00:35:46,144 --> 00:35:48,438
[CROWD LAUGHS]

824
00:35:48,438 --> 00:35:50,565
I'm like, "Man, I'm not
calling you peanut butter.

825
00:35:50,565 --> 00:35:53,068
"I need peanut butter
for my bread."

826
00:35:53,068 --> 00:35:55,904
"No, fool.
Watch that word, dawg!"

827
00:35:55,904 --> 00:35:58,490
I'm like, "Look, man, I don't
know when your gang started,

828
00:35:58,490 --> 00:36:00,867
"but it wasn't here before
George Washington Carver."

829
00:36:00,867 --> 00:36:02,202
[CROWD LAUGHS]

830
00:36:03,370 --> 00:36:05,080
[CROWD CLAPPING]

831
00:36:08,041 --> 00:36:10,085
Peanut butter wins.

832
00:36:13,588 --> 00:36:15,590
There's this gang called
Ghetto Boys, man.

833
00:36:15,590 --> 00:36:18,218
So I'm here giving kids snacks.
I'm like, "Hey, man,
who want a granola bar?

834
00:36:18,218 --> 00:36:21,221
"Hey, fool.
Watch that word, dawg!"

835
00:36:21,221 --> 00:36:24,182
"Hey, man, it's a granola bar.
What am I supposed to call it?"

836
00:36:24,182 --> 00:36:26,643
"The brand fool, Nature Valley."

837
00:36:26,643 --> 00:36:28,645
[CROWD LAUGHS]

838
00:36:28,645 --> 00:36:31,022
Damn, man. Y'all are taking
all the words, man.

839
00:36:31,022 --> 00:36:32,399
-[CROWD LAUGHS]
-Damn.

840
00:36:35,318 --> 00:36:37,737
Damn.

841
00:36:37,737 --> 00:36:40,240
I was at work one day, man.
There was a little Crip kid.

842
00:36:40,240 --> 00:36:42,200
I'm like, "Hey, y'all,
I'm going to the store.

843
00:36:42,200 --> 00:36:43,743
"Y'all want some cookies
or something?"

844
00:36:43,743 --> 00:36:45,245
"Hey, watch that word, cuz!"

845
00:36:45,245 --> 00:36:46,538
I'm like, "What? Cookie?"

846
00:36:46,538 --> 00:36:48,331
"No, my nigga, thug."

847
00:36:48,331 --> 00:36:49,999
[CROWD LAUGHS]

848
00:36:49,999 --> 00:36:52,419
I'm like, "Y'all can't have
the whole English
language, man."

849
00:36:52,419 --> 00:36:53,586
[CROWD LAUGHS]

850
00:36:53,586 --> 00:36:57,090
"It's not yours.
It's white people's."

851
00:36:57,090 --> 00:36:58,800
-[CROWD LAUGHS]
-Mother--

852
00:37:00,468 --> 00:37:02,846
"They conquered us all.
And now we all speak English."

853
00:37:03,972 --> 00:37:05,473
[CROWD LAUGHS]

854
00:37:05,473 --> 00:37:07,183
[LAUGHS]

855
00:37:10,186 --> 00:37:11,855
[CLICKS TONGUE]

856
00:37:11,855 --> 00:37:14,566
[CROWD LAUGHS]

857
00:37:14,566 --> 00:37:16,693
These kids be having
fucked up lives, man.

858
00:37:16,693 --> 00:37:20,488
We had this one, kid.
We had one kid, this dude,
he uh-- All his--

859
00:37:20,488 --> 00:37:23,658
All his teeth was rotting out
from smoking too much meth.

860
00:37:23,658 --> 00:37:26,411
And he had two kids
and genital herpes.

861
00:37:27,579 --> 00:37:28,788
Guess how old he was?

862
00:37:28,788 --> 00:37:30,999
-WOMAN: Eighteen? Oh, no.
-Fifteen.

863
00:37:30,999 --> 00:37:32,584
This kid needs
to die already, man,

864
00:37:32,584 --> 00:37:34,461
[CROWD LAUGHS]

865
00:37:35,336 --> 00:37:37,672
Life ain't for him, clearly.

866
00:37:37,672 --> 00:37:39,757
Life is not for him.

867
00:37:39,757 --> 00:37:42,385
[CROWD LAUGHS LOUDLY]

868
00:37:42,385 --> 00:37:43,803
God needs to reset.

869
00:37:43,803 --> 00:37:46,473
-[CROWD LAUGHS]
-God needs to reset.

870
00:37:48,391 --> 00:37:51,186
If reincarnation is real,
he'll get another chance.

871
00:37:53,229 --> 00:37:54,814
Guy gotta go, dawg.

872
00:37:54,814 --> 00:37:58,318
You know? Be careful.
Don't fall out of that chair.

873
00:37:58,318 --> 00:38:01,905
Actually, do fall off the chair.
'Cause that means I'm fucking
killing that shit.

874
00:38:01,905 --> 00:38:03,865
Do fall--
Please fall off your chair.

875
00:38:06,367 --> 00:38:08,203
I'll stop them out
their chairs, literally.

876
00:38:08,828 --> 00:38:10,205
[CROWD LAUGHS]

877
00:38:13,708 --> 00:38:17,545
We got-- We got a 288 unit, man.
Those are the sex offenders.

878
00:38:17,545 --> 00:38:20,465
Yeah, man, I love working
with the sex offenders, man.

879
00:38:20,465 --> 00:38:23,176
Because they're docile, y'know.
If I got to choose between

880
00:38:23,176 --> 00:38:25,637
working with some angry,
annoying ass gang members,

881
00:38:25,637 --> 00:38:28,848
or some kid who touched
his sister, but ain't giving
me no problems,

882
00:38:28,848 --> 00:38:30,308
I'm choosing
an easy day at work.

883
00:38:31,935 --> 00:38:34,687
"Hey, kid, you molest?
All right, cool, head with me."

884
00:38:36,147 --> 00:38:37,482
Y'all... [MUMBLES]

885
00:38:37,482 --> 00:38:39,609
I hit a spot.
I hit a spot?

886
00:38:40,818 --> 00:38:43,404
I hit a spot?
Because I said "molest"?

887
00:38:43,404 --> 00:38:45,281
[CROWD LAUGHS]

888
00:38:47,116 --> 00:38:50,703
Molest. What's in his bag? ...

889
00:38:50,703 --> 00:38:51,746
Uh...

890
00:38:54,791 --> 00:38:57,335
We be getting these gay kids
sometimes, man.

891
00:38:57,335 --> 00:39:00,296
This one gay kid,
he had a crush on one
of the straight kids, right?

892
00:39:00,296 --> 00:39:04,259
Straight kid wasn't tripping.
He was like, "Whatever. I ain't
gay. He can like me." Y'know?

893
00:39:04,259 --> 00:39:05,969
[CROWD LAUGHS]

894
00:39:12,809 --> 00:39:15,937
Turns out they had
a little thing going on.

895
00:39:15,937 --> 00:39:19,023
Yeah, man. We started finding
used condoms around campus.

896
00:39:19,023 --> 00:39:20,358
It was a all-boys facility.

897
00:39:20,358 --> 00:39:22,235
[CROWD LAUGHS]

898
00:39:24,862 --> 00:39:27,532
Start to find the letters
between the two boys, y'know.

899
00:39:27,532 --> 00:39:29,492
One of the letters
from the gay kid read,

900
00:39:29,492 --> 00:39:31,411
"I miss the way you
make my booty swell."

901
00:39:31,411 --> 00:39:35,707
[CROWD WHOOPING AND LAUGHING]

902
00:39:35,707 --> 00:39:37,709
And I'm straight.
But that shit turned me on.

903
00:39:37,709 --> 00:39:38,960
[CROWD LAUGHS]

904
00:39:40,920 --> 00:39:42,547
Y'know?

905
00:39:42,547 --> 00:39:46,301
I don't care about the boy's
butt, but I dig his approach.

906
00:39:46,301 --> 00:39:48,678
'Cause I think about it like
a woman saying it to me.

907
00:39:48,678 --> 00:39:50,722
"I miss the way you
make my booty swell."

908
00:39:50,722 --> 00:39:52,432
Come on over.
I'm swell it right now.

909
00:39:52,432 --> 00:39:55,184
-[CROWD LAUGHS]
-I'll swell your butt.

910
00:39:55,184 --> 00:39:57,020
[CROWD LAUGHS]

911
00:39:57,020 --> 00:39:59,272
I'll swell your butt. Come on.

912
00:39:59,272 --> 00:40:01,649
I'll swell it. Ain't got to...
I'll swell it right now.

913
00:40:02,859 --> 00:40:04,277
I'll swell in your butt.

914
00:40:04,277 --> 00:40:07,196
[CROWD LAUGHS]

915
00:40:07,196 --> 00:40:09,198
-Swell in your butt.
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

916
00:40:11,075 --> 00:40:13,745
-[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
-[WOMAN LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY]

917
00:40:13,745 --> 00:40:15,580
Damn.

918
00:40:15,580 --> 00:40:18,291
Well, if y'all got chicks, man,
I want y'all to say
that shit to her.

919
00:40:18,291 --> 00:40:20,543
I'm swelling-- I'm swelling now.
I'm swelling your butt.

920
00:40:20,543 --> 00:40:22,545
[CROWD LAUGHS]

921
00:40:22,545 --> 00:40:25,089
Swell my butt, Daddy.

922
00:40:25,089 --> 00:40:27,425
-Swell it. Swell it.
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

923
00:40:29,636 --> 00:40:31,220
Every time I tell--

924
00:40:31,220 --> 00:40:33,514
Every time I tell chicks where
I work at, they be so impressed.

925
00:40:33,514 --> 00:40:37,018
[IMITATES WOMAN] "Oh, my God,
that's so amazing.
Oh. So noble.

926
00:40:37,018 --> 00:40:38,895
"Oh, it must be
so rewarding."

927
00:40:38,895 --> 00:40:41,731
I'm like, "Yes, I'm rewarded
by direct deposit
every two weeks."

928
00:40:41,731 --> 00:40:43,399
[CROWD LAUGHS]

929
00:40:43,399 --> 00:40:44,651
-[CHUCKLES]
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

930
00:40:44,651 --> 00:40:46,569
"You like money."
"Yeah, I applied for that."

931
00:40:48,488 --> 00:40:51,366
I applied for some money.

932
00:40:51,366 --> 00:40:54,661
I've done like, two jokes I've
actually planned on doing
tonight, thus far.

933
00:40:54,661 --> 00:40:56,287
And this is like,
a special night.

934
00:40:56,287 --> 00:40:58,289
[CROWD CHEERING]

935
00:40:59,874 --> 00:41:01,459
[CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY]

936
00:41:02,251 --> 00:41:05,171
[CROWD LAUGHS]

937
00:41:05,171 --> 00:41:07,590
Shoot, man. Caesar was talking
about liking feet, man.

938
00:41:07,590 --> 00:41:09,634
Shit, man. Y'know,
I ain't got a fetish.

939
00:41:09,634 --> 00:41:15,056
I appreciate a good foot,
though. You know, appreciative.

940
00:41:15,056 --> 00:41:18,142
Y'know, soft, sleek,
not too crusty on the heels.

941
00:41:18,142 --> 00:41:20,436
[CROWD LAUGHS]

942
00:41:20,436 --> 00:41:22,772
Like sometimes
I'll be on Instagram,

943
00:41:22,772 --> 00:41:26,234
if a girl was barefoot, I zoom
in to see how it's looking down
there. Y'know what I'm saying?

944
00:41:26,234 --> 00:41:28,236
-WOMAN: Oh, God.
-Like, "Yeah, she's pretty."

945
00:41:28,236 --> 00:41:30,029
-WOMAN: Take note.
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

946
00:41:32,031 --> 00:41:33,408
Pinky toe ain't shit, though.

947
00:41:33,408 --> 00:41:35,076
[CROWD LAUGHS]

948
00:41:40,581 --> 00:41:42,291
Yeah, I wanna nail that. Hmm.

949
00:41:42,291 --> 00:41:44,252
[CROWD LAUGHS]

950
00:41:45,878 --> 00:41:47,296
Oh, she got a... [POPS].

951
00:41:48,423 --> 00:41:51,300
Y'all know what a...
[POPS] ...is?

952
00:41:51,300 --> 00:41:53,261
That's when the pinky
toenail was so tiny,

953
00:41:53,261 --> 00:41:57,223
instead of stroking it
with the polish, she just
goes... [POPS].

954
00:41:57,223 --> 00:41:59,016
[CROWD LAUGHS]

955
00:42:05,857 --> 00:42:09,068
Y'know? It's like dropping
a cherry on some cool whip.

956
00:42:09,068 --> 00:42:11,028
-[POPS]
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

957
00:42:13,239 --> 00:42:15,116
I don't fuck with man feet,
though, man.

958
00:42:15,116 --> 00:42:17,910
I got a-- I got a man
foot phobia.

959
00:42:17,910 --> 00:42:21,873
Like, if one of my homies
accidentally touched me
with a barefoot,

960
00:42:21,873 --> 00:42:23,791
that's one less homie I got.

961
00:42:23,791 --> 00:42:25,793
[CROWD LAUGHS]

962
00:42:29,046 --> 00:42:30,465
I got this Indian
friend, man.

963
00:42:30,465 --> 00:42:33,217
He had a gathering at his
apartment one night, right?

964
00:42:33,217 --> 00:42:36,304
I was sitting on the floor,
like he was sitting
on the couch behind me,

965
00:42:36,304 --> 00:42:38,806
I feel somebody tap my arm
to get my attention, y'know.

966
00:42:38,806 --> 00:42:40,975
[CROWD LAUGHS]

967
00:42:40,975 --> 00:42:42,560
I figured it was a hand.

968
00:42:44,479 --> 00:42:47,940
Turned to my right, man.
Saw a hairy, brown foot
dangling next to me.

969
00:42:47,940 --> 00:42:49,442
I ain't spoke
to an Indian since.

970
00:42:51,402 --> 00:42:53,362
Goddamn, man.
He make me a bigot.

971
00:42:53,362 --> 00:42:54,947
[CROWD LAUGHS]

972
00:42:56,824 --> 00:42:58,075
Not into it.

973
00:43:00,703 --> 00:43:03,873
I do this thing subconsciously
where, regardless of the race,

974
00:43:03,873 --> 00:43:06,417
I view all women with ass
as black men's women.

975
00:43:06,417 --> 00:43:08,044
[CROWD LAUGHS]

976
00:43:09,796 --> 00:43:12,298
So if I see a big booty white
girl with a white dude,

977
00:43:12,298 --> 00:43:14,217
that's an interracial
relationship to me.

978
00:43:14,217 --> 00:43:16,844
[CROWD LAUGHS]

979
00:43:17,678 --> 00:43:18,971
Yep, yep, yep.

980
00:43:19,680 --> 00:43:20,848
And that kid is mixed.

981
00:43:22,975 --> 00:43:27,021
Blond hair, blue eyes,
thin lipped. Mama got butt,
the boy's a mutt.

982
00:43:27,021 --> 00:43:29,524
[CROWD LAUGHS]

983
00:43:29,524 --> 00:43:31,859
-Half white, half ass.
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

984
00:43:31,859 --> 00:43:33,903
WOMAN: Okay.

985
00:43:33,903 --> 00:43:36,739
I remember white girls
was scared to have an ass
back in the day.

986
00:43:36,739 --> 00:43:38,574
-Y'all remember that?
-WOMAN: Oh, God.

987
00:43:38,574 --> 00:43:41,035
Your regular sized white girl,
man. Little bit of flesh
back there.

988
00:43:41,035 --> 00:43:43,871
[IMITATES WHITE WOMEN]
"My ass is fat, my ass is fat."

989
00:43:43,871 --> 00:43:45,706
[GRUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]

990
00:43:46,833 --> 00:43:48,334
Why are you upset about winning?

991
00:43:48,334 --> 00:43:51,462
[CROWD LAUGHS]

992
00:43:51,462 --> 00:43:53,631
Be happy you got a butt
instead of a back crack.

993
00:43:53,631 --> 00:43:55,383
[CROWD LAUGHS]

994
00:43:55,383 --> 00:43:56,551
Be thankful.

995
00:43:58,010 --> 00:44:02,932
Y'know?
Y'know?

996
00:44:02,932 --> 00:44:06,602
And then you got them white
girls who think they got more
ass than they actually do.

997
00:44:06,602 --> 00:44:09,522
Yeah. "I got black girl booty."
No, you're just fat.

998
00:44:09,522 --> 00:44:11,649
[CROWD LAUGHS]

999
00:44:11,649 --> 00:44:13,568
Your ass is big
in the wrong directions.

1000
00:44:13,568 --> 00:44:15,486
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1001
00:44:15,486 --> 00:44:17,822
The dimensions is--

1002
00:44:17,822 --> 00:44:20,074
-[CROWD LAUGHS]
-WOMAN: Oh, my God. [LAUGHS]

1003
00:44:21,450 --> 00:44:23,911
Y'know?

1004
00:44:23,911 --> 00:44:27,665
Black dudes be having big
butts sometimes. That's weird.

1005
00:44:27,665 --> 00:44:30,126
You see fools--
You see fools walking
around like this?

1006
00:44:30,126 --> 00:44:31,919
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1007
00:44:33,838 --> 00:44:36,007
Basketball players be having
that shit, man.

1008
00:44:36,007 --> 00:44:38,050
WOMAN: Whoo!

1009
00:44:38,050 --> 00:44:41,053
When I'll be out sometimes,
I'll be like, "Damn, that fool
got a big old butt."

1010
00:44:41,053 --> 00:44:43,598
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1011
00:44:43,598 --> 00:44:47,059
Y'know. I don't like it.
I'm not a homosexual.

1012
00:44:47,059 --> 00:44:49,562
But objectively speaking,
the brother got cakes.

1013
00:44:49,562 --> 00:44:51,480
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1014
00:44:51,480 --> 00:44:53,733
Objectively.
There's no feelings involved.

1015
00:44:55,484 --> 00:44:56,611
Objectively.

1016
00:45:01,824 --> 00:45:02,825
All right.

1017
00:45:05,494 --> 00:45:09,665
I remember when I was a kid,
man, every time I would come
home from being out,

1018
00:45:09,665 --> 00:45:13,169
my mom would always smell
my fingers, to see if I had been
smoking weed, right?

1019
00:45:13,169 --> 00:45:15,129
-WOMAN: What?
-So... Yeah.

1020
00:45:15,129 --> 00:45:17,965
Y'know, if I came home from Jack
in the Box or hanging out
at a friend's house,

1021
00:45:17,965 --> 00:45:19,258
she would smell my fingers.

1022
00:45:19,258 --> 00:45:21,802
-Yo.
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

1023
00:45:21,802 --> 00:45:24,055
I'm hooking up with this girl
in my car one night.

1024
00:45:24,055 --> 00:45:25,598
[CROWD GROANS]

1025
00:45:25,598 --> 00:45:28,309
Yeah, I'm sure y'all could guess
where my fingers ended up.

1026
00:45:28,309 --> 00:45:30,102
-Her butt.
-[CROWD LAUGHS]

1027
00:45:30,102 --> 00:45:31,479
WOMAN: Oh, my God.

1028
00:45:31,479 --> 00:45:33,981
Yeah, I had my fingers
in this girl's butt, man.

1029
00:45:33,981 --> 00:45:35,483
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1030
00:45:35,483 --> 00:45:36,859
Y'know?

1031
00:45:36,859 --> 00:45:38,611
Past four or like, two
in the morning,

1032
00:45:38,611 --> 00:45:41,197
I get home, I'm thinking
I'm in the clear.

1033
00:45:41,197 --> 00:45:44,325
I watch in horror as I see
my mom walking my direction
down the hallway.

1034
00:45:44,325 --> 00:45:46,535
I froze up 'cause I knew
what my fingers had been.

1035
00:45:48,579 --> 00:45:51,040
-She go [SNIFFS].
-[CROWD EXCLAIMING] Oh.

1036
00:45:51,040 --> 00:45:54,543
"Oh, Christ, your fingers smell
like butt. I ain't smelling
your hands no more."

1037
00:45:54,543 --> 00:45:55,962
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1038
00:45:57,964 --> 00:46:00,549
It happened when I was 16, man.

1039
00:46:00,549 --> 00:46:03,469
I ain't had my fingers
in my mama's face since.

1040
00:46:03,469 --> 00:46:06,347
I'm thankful for that butt,
'cause I was smoking weed
that night.

1041
00:46:06,347 --> 00:46:07,556
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1042
00:46:09,016 --> 00:46:11,310
When in doubt, stick your
fingers in a butt, man.

1043
00:46:11,310 --> 00:46:13,562
Y'know, what's crazy...

1044
00:46:13,562 --> 00:46:17,650
What's crazy is, man,
I stuck my finger in a butt
when I lost my virginity.

1045
00:46:17,650 --> 00:46:21,028
And at the time I hadn't
heard it in a rap song.
I hadn't seen it in a porno.

1046
00:46:21,028 --> 00:46:23,739
It was just--
There was a hole there,
my instincts kicked in.

1047
00:46:25,408 --> 00:46:26,701
What else was I to do?

1048
00:46:26,701 --> 00:46:28,369
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

1049
00:46:29,954 --> 00:46:32,123
You see a hole, you gotta
stick something in it.

1050
00:46:32,123 --> 00:46:33,874
[CROWD LAUGHS]

1051
00:46:36,961 --> 00:46:38,170
[CROWD CHEERING]