Downloaded from YTS.MX
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
I'm Catherine and I dance very beautiful!
- Hey, Catherine.
No pictures. No pictures. No pictures.
Well, I'm just gonna walk into the TV.
- You are? - Yeah.
- That's magic. - I know.
I feel completely insane, but I look literally stunning.
- That's five. - Yes. Thank you, Knock.
Thank you, Five.
Thank you…
Hello, New York City.
Welcome to Joe's Pub.
Please give a thunderous, warm welcome to Catherine Cohen.
Seriously.
Stop. I'm shy.
Oh, my God.
I have an amazing voice.
- Wow.
Look at me doing comedy in a rhinestone romper.
Against all odds.
Bet you're wondering how I got here.
Well, baby, I'll tell you.
Hey!
Whoo!
"Gimme my hat back."
I don't have one.
I don't have a car. Lunge out.
Seriously, please.
White boot.
Hit my clit.
Yeah. Bridge.
Help! Spin. Okay.
- Give it up.
Seriously, please.
Hair flip.
I'm unwell.
Big finish. Ready? Hey.
Give it up for Henry Koperski on the keys.
So, welcome to heaven. This my show.
You look at me, you think, "Okay. She has it all."
And it's true.
I do. Ooh.
I'm young. Oh.
I'm gorgeous. Ooh.
But, just this morning, I had one sip of cold brew
and ruined my only butthole.
Stars, they're just like us.
I am so happy to be doing this in New York City.
Mmm!
New York City, where I, for lack of a better term,
do actually "live."
The other day, I was dry-swallowing my birth control pill
as I Citi Biked up the Williamsburg Bridge
and I was like, "Oh, my God. I guess I am the voice of my generation."
And it's exhausting, but someone has to do it.
I'm sorry…
Oh, I'm sorry. I literally can't stop creating content.
If this gets too tall, I will try to fuck it.
So we have to…
She has a type.
I recently quit my job because I couldn't wake up and go there.
Does that resonate with anyone?
Yeah.
So, now I've been doing a lot of lying on my bed,
just kind of waiting for the retweet,
that'll turn it all around.
Social media is perfect,
'cause you can watch people you barely know
sort of unravel in real time.
Which I absolutely foot pop j'adore.
No, jealousy is cool,
'cause it's like swallowing a house that you just set on fire.
Not to be this bitch, but a pandemic, colon?
Not what I had in mind.
So ran… Literally, so random.
I was like, "I did not know this was an option."
I was way more concerned with things just falling on my head.
There's a lot of stuff that's up.
And here I am beneath.
But a pandemic is what we ultimately got.
Which was rock and roll, normal and cool.
The last year was absolutely exquisite.
I gained a lot of weight over the last year,
which isn't good or bad.
It isn't good or bad. Not… It isn't good or bad.
So, it isn't good or bad to gain weight because isn't good or bad.
And can you tell I had therapy two times this week?
Yes.
Oh, my God. A standing ovation so early in the show.
I did not see that coming.
Um, but it's cool.
One perk of gaining weight is that, obviously, my tits got huge.
If you didn't notice, it's because you hate women.
My tits got big enough that I can now,
like all the great poets who came before me,
titty fuck my boyfriend.
Thank you. Thank you.
No, no. And that's not why I do it.
I don't like being the girl who's like, "My boyfriend, my boyfriend,"
I feel like girls who are like, "My boyfriend, my boyfriend,"
are the same kind of girls who are like,
"There is actually too much sugar in fruit."
"So, for me, it's a dessert."
And then their mouth goes all the way around their face.
But I can officially titty fuck my…
Don't you sometimes wish there were different words for things?
But now my tits are big enough
that I can wrap 'em 'round my boyfriend's cock.
Did you think…
Be honest. Did you think you'd hear "cock" this early in the show?
Cock is such a porny word.
I famously love porn,
if my boyfriend tells me the girl looks like me.
Otherwise, it is bad for women.
And that's just where I stand on that issue.
So, I was, for the last time, titty fucking my boyfriend.
Humble brag. And…
when he came…
Yeah.
Could hear a freaking pin drop.
When he came,
he made a sound I've never heard before.
And I was like, "Okay. I'm a sex goddess."
I turn to him, I say…
"How was that for you?"
And he goes, "It was actually almost painful."
Um, feminist win much?
Yes. I'm doing the work.
Oh, there's such a good energy in here. I…
- You're family.
I love. I love.
What a summer.
It's been a time.
I hate the summer.
All I've ever done in a bikini is sob.
But one thing I love about summer,
I have to say, is those hot, hot summer anthems.
So, if the DJ could just drop that track real quick, that'd be sick.
I'm really more of a dancer than a comedian.
Dancer first, choreographer second, model third, comedian fourth.
Shh. Let me do my thing.
Yes!
Bridge.
Step ball change.
Yes!
Um, I think everyone has heard by now, but I want to be up front about this.
I have some exciting news.
I…
recently read a book.
Thank you. Thank you. I love you.
I have a rare disease where if I read a book,
the whole time I'm looking at it, I'm like,
"Look at you. Reading a book."
"You stupid, stupid slut."
Just 'cause I don't like to read, write, argue or be alone,
doesn't mean I'm not an intellectual.
That's my crowd work.
I actually won a very prestigious award lately.
Hold for applause.
I won an award for leaving my home without my phone for 42 minutes.
Yeah. Thank you.
And, no, and that's not why I do it.
And that's not why I do it.
When I did that,
I had what critics and fans alike are calling "a lady in a movie moment."
"What's that? What's that? What could that possibly be? What is that?"
So, "a lady in a movie moment" is when something happens to you
that might happen to a lady in a movie.
So, for example,
if you, um… if you check the mail with your little key…
Lady in a movie.
If you hold a baguette… If you're even near a baguette…
Lady in a movie.
And if you, say it with me, run into your ex on the street,
that is full-blown, hundy p,
- lady in a… - Lady in a movie.
Thank you.
Oh!
It feels good to be at home.
So, I did recently, like a cartoon, have a lady in a movie moment.
I ran into my ex on the street.
And he was wearing a suit.
He looked incredible. Which is, as we know, illegal.
And I was wearing…
What's it called when you, like, don't shave your legs for three months
and then you shave 'em really quick and there's blood everywhere?
So, I was wearing that.
And we ran into each other, and he's one of these people
who uses your name in a sentence.
It's like… Whoa.
If you use my name in a sentence, you need to either fuck me or kill me.
There's no in-between.
On this occasion, he kind of chose to do neither,
which was, of course, a power move
and not at all related to how he feels about me.
I'm sorry. I just choked on my own human tongue.
Breakups are cool. Right?
I'm a guy's girl.
Breakups are cool.
Breakups are freaking sick.
Breakups are cool
because it's like you have a best friend and then they die.
And then, instead of going to their funeral,
you go and fuck a long-haired guy named Randy
in the back seat of a red Mazda in the parking lot of a water park.
And when you ask him to drive you home,
he goes, "I can't. I'm on shrooms."
What stage of grief is that?
Which one? No. Okay, that's good.
Get back to me on that. I…
I learned a lot from my ex, though. It's cool.
I never thought, and I'm sorry, I get choked up when I talk about this.
But, I, um…
Here I go again. He knows.
I never thought that I could love someone
who can watch an entire movie while sitting upright in a wooden chair.
But love works in mysterious ways.
I mean, she really, really does.
My ex and I lived together for three years.
And we actually kept living together two months after we broke up.
Which is, of course, say it with me, good for the environment.
Oops, I just ran for office.
Oops, I just won.
Thankfully… Imagine.
No, thank you.
Um…
Whenever… Whenever I think… I'm like, "Who decides where the streets go?"
I think about that a lot.
And all I think is, "I am so glad that's not my job."
So, thankfully, I live by myself now.
When I first moved into my own apartment,
I fully developed a, say it with me, new personality.
I have a lot of new traits now.
I recently went to a Chipotle at 10:45 a.m.
Doctor's orders.
And when I walked in, I was like…
'Cause I'm cool. When I walk into Chipotle…
Up here, I'm all… At Chipotle, I get it.
I'm like…
I walk into a Chipotle and the guy working there…
Yes, a man. Important for the story.
He's like, "What do you want?"
And I'm like, "Okay. He wants to have raw dog sex with me."
No. I say, "Hello. I would like a chicken burrito bowl."
"I know guac is extra and I'll take the hottest sauce."
He goes, "You sure?"
I was like, "Oh, my God."
"Am I sure?"
Mmm…
"I don't know."
"I never thought about that before."
"I don't think about big boy questions like that."
"I'm just a little girly."
"I think about little girly things like earrings."
"And shoes. I don't know about big boy stuff like that."
"I'm just a little baby with titties."
Oh, I'm sorry. I just completely blacked out.
Did I do something?
Wait, did I say something annoying?
I don't think we should kill all the men.
Hold for applause.
But I don't think men should be allowed to make movies.
Superhero movies are so boring I could melt into the Earth.
I don't care about movies that are about, like,
sand…
or rope,
or space.
The only kind of movies I want to watch are where a woman looks at herself
in her medicine cabinet mirror and says…
"Hello, stranger."
That's kind of the genre that works for me.
That being said, I do wanna be the first person in a Marvel movie
who's never seen a Marvel movie.
So, DM me.
You know, it's sad.
I do have a hard time with men, but even I…
Even I can't resist.
Even I get a bit horny this…
…time of year.
Brr.
Good night.
- Ooh.
Okay. I feel so randomly safe with y'all. So comfortable.
Family, family, family.
I can reveal now, at this point in the program…
In high school, my nickname was Critter.
I think 'cause I'm conventionally attractive and…
I didn't love it because Critter was shortened to "Crit."
To me, that sounded a lot like "Clit."
And I was like, "What's happening with my one life?" But…
Honestly, now, like,
I am a lot like a clit.
I'm extremely sensitive,
I love to be touched,
and straight guys just don't know what to do with me.
Sometimes they want to fuck me,
and sometimes they think I'm like a fun aunt
'cause my energy is like…
And I'm always at restaurants moaning along
when the waiter tells me the specials. I'm always like, "Mmm, risotto."
Mmm. 'Cause it's always a mushroom risotto. Fuck yes!
- Whoo! - Wow!
That mushroom risotto joke is an absolute banger.
Um…
Thank you so much. Have a great night. No.
You wish. You sick fucks.
But I got more to give.
I actually was supposed to go to my ten-year high school reunion recently.
But I couldn't go because I was, um,
jerking off on the floor of my apartment.
"Why the floor? Why the floor? Why the floor?"
I was too lazy to close the window curtain that looks into the bed.
So, I was like, "Floor it is."
And I think everyone here knows,
but I do actually have a mirrored armoire in my bedroom.
If you don't know what an armoire is,
now would be an awesome time to leave the show.
Thank you.
Bye.
So I'm jerking off on the floor.
And the way I do it is beached-whale style,
which means I just lay on my hand and away.
And when I looked up into my mirrored armoire,
I saw something I really wouldn't wish on anyone.
I saw…
in its organic, hardy, grass-fed, natural state…
my O face.
Without the performance of sex, the pressure of another,
I saw what I looked like when I cum, which is…
So, when I cum, this is actually my O face.
I don't want to be like this.
By the way, if my face was symmetrical, I would not be up here doing this shit.
Goes without saying, I don't want to be this way.
I want to be the kind of girl who just wears jeans.
I wish I could do… You know when people do that?
I can't jump even a little.
This is literally me jumping as high as I can.
I wish I could be the kind of girl who's like…
Sometimes people's legs go up.
I want to be the kind of girl who just doesn't like the taste of beer.
The kind of girl who can save half a sandwich for later.
The kind of girl who can go into a coffee shop
and just stare at sheet music.
Just clutch it and stare at it and be like,
"I get this."
I want to be the kind of woman who's out to lunch with friends,
she's draped in silks, draped in silks, draped in silks.
The restaurant, of course, white tablecloth, white tablecloth.
And she starts to laugh because she remembers something funny,
a memory maybe.
But before she does, she stops herself.
She says…
"I was in love once."
So that's the kind of girl I want to be.
- But I have career goals too. - Whoo!
Girl boss.
Um, I really, really… And this is serious.
This is off the record. I really want to wear a bonnet on screen.
Does anyone have one?
I have such a face for hats.
I have the world's roundest face. Thank you.
No. Don't all stand up at once.
I really want to wear a bonnet on screen. Um…
And then my second career goal is I want to be in a film
where I'm going on a first date,
and as I'm kissing my suitor goodnight,
I close the door shut to my apartment,
and then I turn around and I just…
Yes. I slide against that door.
I hooked up with a guy I met on a first date once 'cause I'm a slut.
Take back the word.
And mid-moment, he was like, "Oh, yeah. I love that fat, fat ass."
And I was like…
"Maybe one fat was enough."
I do. I do. I… I know.
I gravely want to be thin because of society.
Because thin privilege is real.
If you're thin… This is my ideal body type.
If you're thin, you can be famous for smoking a cigarette and looking sad.
If you're fat and there's a photo of you smoking a cigarette and looking sad,
it's a campaign for something.
It's some D.A.R.E. shit. You know what I mean?
But mostly I want to be thin so I can wear
whatever clothes I want, whenever I want.
Because, as we all know, women's clothing sizes are totally fucked.
And that's what this song's about.
Bridge!
Mosh pit me.
Mosh me.
Mosh pit me.
They won't say that, but they'll mean that.
You know what I mean?
I'll see a person. I'll say, "Oh, my God. Is that person okay?"
"Is that person okay?"
"That person's so small."
My friend will turn to me and say, "That's a kid. That's all."
"That's a kid. A lot of people have them."
And if you thought about something other than yourself
Whenever I tell people I want to lose weight,
they're like, "You should go to the gym." I'm like, "I know."
For sure.
But whenever I go to the gym and I see people with abs,
it's like, "Why are you still here?"
"You did it."
Like, "Get a hobby… for once."
I don't know.
I just… I know working out is good for mental health.
I do suffer from depression, or as I like to call it,
"Crying because outside smells like the past."
I love nostalgia. It hurts and feels bad.
Boop.
But when I go to the gym,
I just cannot connect with those people.
If you're someone who uses and cleans a blender every day,
it's like, "What's really going on?"
What's going on?
If you're someone who signs up for, like,
"mud fuck run."
Or it's like, "We run for a month."
"And you never come home." It's like, "What is that?"
I just worry about you.
And so… I'm gonna sing this song for you.
Oh.
At this point in the show, I know you're thinking,
"Okay. So, she's beautiful and talented."
"There's no way that there's anything up here."
But I'm actually a brilliant poet and writer.
And so I'm gonna share some of my poetry.
Uh, could you give us a little mood music? I think that would be good.
- Oh, my God. Wow.
Takes me back.
Sorry. I just thought of something, but it's for a different show.
Hmm.
"A poem I wrote last night when I couldn't go to sleep,
because there are no sheets on my bed because I perioded on my other sheets
and cannot be bothered to put new ones on."
"I'm sorry I didn't text you back
about borrowing my adult sized tutu for your sketch comedy show."
"I was on the L train trying to recall how I knew the guy sitting across from me."
"Turns out it was from sex. Thank you so much."
So this next poem…
This is called
"Poem I wrote after my therapist got mad at me for thinking everyone's mad at me."
"I just found out 'dog' isn't short for something."
"It's actually just called a dog, which is fine with me."
"I'm in the kitchen, alone. Which is romantic in a way."
"Anything can be romantic if you sigh a lot."
"One time, I told this guy I loved him." He said, "I don't know what love is."
"Anyway, he just got engaged." Thank you.
"Poem I wrote after I masturbated while wearing AirPods."
It could happen to you, so be vigilant.
"Sometimes, being an adult means washing your hair."
"Sometimes, the only way to know if a guy is definitely straight
is if he Instagrams a building."
"Sometimes I feel like if I look at my phone, I will die or worse, not die."
"It's insane when you ask someone to give you space
and then they do."
Thank you.
This next poem is called
"A poem I wrote after you told me your ex is 'actually really cool.'"
"A guy on the street said I looked like
I was studying audio engineering in school."
"He told me he liked my outfit. He told me to have a 'cool day.'"
"I'm googling how long a stroke lasts."
Thank you.
"Poem I wrote after you went down on me and then called me 'dude.'"
"I have a disease where I never want to get out of the Uber."
"Because then it means I have to be somewhere."
"For years I've been suffering from a serious addiction
to Adam Driver and Jason Schwartzman, even."
"Maybe my crush hasn't texted because I'm out of town."
"But then again, I never told him I was going out of town."
"I'm always horny and looking for somewhere to charge my phone."
"The Paris Review came in the mail today and I performed reading it."
"I can't write if no one is watching."
"I can't stop checking my pussy for weird bumps."
"One time I went to the doctor and when she told me I gained fifteen pounds,
I was like, 'That's a lot.' And she was just like, 'Yeah.'"
Thank you.
I love sex because it famously has no consequences.
I was recently at the Newark Airport. Brag.
And I saw a headline on a magazine. Vintage.
And it read, "Couple fucks themselves off side of cliff."
Where were you?
When you found out?
How you were going to die?
Because for me, I was like, "Oh, that's an option."
I love fuck.
I have some sexual fantasies I want to share with you all.
My first sexual fantasy is that I'm in a mahogany room.
Built-in bookcases. Built-in bookcases. Built-in bookcases.
And I'm sitting in a velvet wingback chair.
And I put my ring finger to my temple and I just say, "Ugh.
I worry. I do."
And then my other sexual fantasy
is that he makes me cum, damn it.
Am I right, ladies? Is that a lot to ask? Honey, I'm looking for a guy tall enough
that I don't have to get on my knees when I want to blow him.
That's right. I want to stand up, dick should be here.
I hooked up with…
I hooked up with this guy I met at a bar because I'm brave, and he was like,
"I actually biked to this bar. I can bike us back to my place."
"You can ride on my pegs."
And I was like, "Absolutely not."
He was like, "No. it's okay. It can hold 120 pounds."
And I was like, "Okay, you don't know what math is. You are my type."
I just feel like it's like every chubby girl's nightmare
to be carried in a playful way.
Like, I'm pretty sure when I was born, the nurse, like, picked me up
and handed me to my mom, and I was like, "It's okay. You can put me down."
It's sad.
After I slept with him, I woke up with a, say it with me, bump on my pussy.
Just lucky, I guess. Foot pop, j'adore.
And I was like, "Great. I need to reach out to my gynecologist about this."
So, I had to access her through, say it with me, The Portal.
I'm s…
Why are doctors absolutely, clinically addicted
to making you enter through a portal? It's like…
"I'm here."
It's like, "Can I just get an email or…" They want you to be like…
They want you to be full Narnia vibes to talk to them about your broken pussy.
A portal? Oh, my God. What year is it?
Okay. I don't… I hate sci-fi.
There's enough… There's enough stuff here…
that's really interesting.
We don't have to… We don't have to… I don't need anything with wings.
Bitch, I have 'em.
Oh, my God. So, I was like,
"I need to take a picture of this to send to my gynecologist."
So, I went into my studio,
which is obviously an empty room with a full-size mattress on the floor.
And I took out my camera,
which is obviously an iPhone rose gold Plus
with a cracked screen, 'cause I'm fun.
Spread my lips and I took an image.
I wish that were the end of the story.
I'm going to do a lap.
When I looked at that image, um…
Are you okay to hear this?
Ally.
Feminist ally. When I looked at the image,
it was one of the most harrowing things I've ever seen.
One, I used flash. Rookie mistake.
Two, I didn't understand the reach of my camera.
So, when I looked at the picture,
I didn't only see my spread pussy lips, which I expected.
But, in the background, I saw what can only be described as my dead-eyed face.
No expression. Just a corpse's head, really.
So, I had to crop that out for legal reasons.
And when I sent it to my gyne,
she was like, "There's nothing wrong with you."
I know there's a long history of doctors not believing women,
but in my case, doctors shouldn't believe me because
I'm what many medical professionals have called
a dumbass bitch. Thank you to my fans.
But it was stressful. Oh, my God.
And the thing about stress
is that when you're stressed in New York City,
there's only one place to go.
Oh!
Ooh, look at all the trees, I'm worldbuilding.
Look at all those trees.
Wow.
He was so tall.
Help. Help. Spin. Fuck!
Hide your boners, boys.
I have a hormone disorder in my ovaries.
Okay. Everyone's rock-hard in the crowd.
I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, PCOS,
or "Pecos" for cute. Boop, boop, boop.
Everything online about women's health is like, "We don't know."
I get really bad migraines with visual auras.
Which means I'm inherently interesting.
And when you ask a doctor, "What are migraines?"
They're all just like…
So I have PCOS.
Let me tell you about PCOS.
It's honestly iconic. Um…
The symptoms are one, you're fat. No, stop. Two,
you are losing hair on your head,
but, three, you have hair on your face, and four, you have acne.
So, it's sort of this, like,
waking nightmare in which you're both young
and old at the same time.
It's like that optical illusion
where the young woman's looking away and the old woman's looking down.
But in this case, it's just you looking at yourself in the mirror
thinking, "Maybe God isn't a woman."
But if she is, I want to meet her.
Um, if I have to die, which I'm not super interested in,
I know that, literally, on my death bed,
I'll be, like, surrounded by millions of loved ones.
And in my last dying breath I'll be like…
"Does my hair look better
half up or full down?"
Those are a hundy p gonna be my last words.
How I really want to die is hosting a fabulous dinner party.
Twelve people. Yeah. My apartment in my fantasy
you can have a table that that's big.
That's that's big.
That's that big.
Hard to say, easy to write.
Came to me like that.
Ooh.
J'adore. I can't…
I literally don't know a single word of French.
English, I can do.
Oh, my God. I once was studying abroad, 'cause I'm so interesting.
And I was studying abroad
and I was out clubbing with these, like, hot Italian guys.
And they were like… They were like,
"Your English is really good."
And I was like, "Mm-hmm."
At first I was like, "It's the only language I speak."
But then I thought about it and I was like,
"My English is really good."
And what's so bad about taking a compliment?
Especially as women. Especially in this industry.
We have to learn to stop apologizing
and just say, "Yeah. My English is really good."
So, how I want to die is I'm at this dinner party
and everyone's having their own bottle of wine,
and that's normal and fine and no one notices.
And then the person next to me goes, "Oh, my God. I love that painting."
And I say, "Oh, thank you. My friend painted that."
And then later in the evening, I'm lying in bed with my lover.
And he looks to me and he says, "What's wrong?"
And I say, "You know, I just…"
"I feel a kind of longing that resembles sadness
only in the way that mist resembles rain."
And then I expire.
And he's like, "Was that a Wordsworth poem?"
And I'm like, "I think it was Longfellow. Can't remember."
From beyond.
From the beyond we argue about who wrote that line.
Um, goals.
I am in love right now, as insane as that sounds.
I know.
And the only way I'll be single again is if he gets hit by a bus, which is…
For some reason, I'm like, "That's such a common way to die."
Is it?
Okay. Now, I'm living in fear…
for the first time ever.
If I have to be single again, that'd be a disaster.
But in the meantime, I wrote this anthem for anyone out there who is single,
who is looking for love,
because I want love.
Because, well,
I want everything.
I don't think she knows what it means.
She also told me I look like Jared Leto. Different story.
- Ugh.
Thank you. Good night.
- Whoo!