Downloaded from YTS.MX
[Chris Distefano] I'm gonna be honest with you guys.
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
I sat in that green room, and I said, "Chris--"
I looked in the mirror. I said, "Chris, don't start drinking martinis.
Don't start drinking martinis. Don't start drinking martinis."
I've had six martinis.
-[audience cheering] -So, this show is gonna be loose!
Yeah, baby! Yeah!
[laughter]
-[announcer] Chris Distefano! -[audience cheering]
Thank you!
Ugh! Thank you!
We did it, baby. We did it. Thank you.
Thank you for coming. Thank you for coming, sir.
Thank you. Thank you.
Whoa! Thank you.
-Gramercy Theatre, welcome. -[person squeals]
Thank you so much for coming to my speshy weshy.
-[laughter] -Thank you. Thank you so much.
It's great. It's great to be here.
There's a lot of things going on out in the world, okay?
It's World War III out there. Don't worry about it, okay?
Out there, it's World War III. In here tonight, World War Whee.
-[laughter] -That's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna have fun.
A lot of people are dying. They're dying as we speak.
-Um… -[laughter]
People being killed left and right.
And, uh, you know, we're just gonna do some jokes.
[laughter]
Listen, I got a daughter. She's woke, my daughter.
And she asked me today, she said, "Daddy, why are your teeth so yellow?"
I said, "'Cause I stand with the Ukraine."
-[laughter] -Um…
"So I'm purposely having them yellow and my balls are blue.
I stand with the Ukraine,
because your mother is not giving it up and…"
-[laughter] -No, she is. Just not to me.
[laughter]
Shout-out in the show to the contractor. Um…
Listen, the silver lining in that conflict
is at least it's white people killing white people.
-[laughter] -That's the positive thing about that war.
It's whites. Less whites.
[laughter]
Because, I mean, it's over for white people. It's 100%--
We had a nice run. Listen, white people, we had a nice run.
But, baby, it's over. Okay?
Make no mistake. Face down, done, over. Never coming back.
But hall of fame, historically, really, you know, a lot of good things.
Also a lot of bad things.
But we brush over it, you know?
But it's over. It's over for whites.
And I knew that. I knew that. I felt that about seven years ago.
I felt that coming. I felt the tide turning for the whites.
I looked in the mirror. I said, "Uh-oh, SpaghettiO.
-Chris, you are--" -[laughter]
'Cause I am like skin-condition white.
Like I'm supremely white.
And it's just-- I knew it. So I had to make a decision.
'Cause I deliberately, on purpose--
Both my daughters are Puerto Rican. I have--
-[person] Whoo! -Yes, Latina children. Thank you. Ooh.
[laughter]
I have Latina kids, and, again, by design.
I went out to a bar seven years ago. It's called Place to Beach.
It's still there, actually. It's in Coney Island, Brooklyn.
-Google it. Yeah, Place to Beach. -[person] Yeah!
I bought my fake vaccine card there…
-[laughter] -…um, with a mai tai.
And-- From Vito, he's dead of COVID.
-But what can you do? -[laughter]
I met my daughters' beautiful Latina mother.
-[cheering] -I mean, just a beautiful woman. She is.
She really is.
And I saw her dancing around, and I said, "This is the one."
I told my friends. I said, "This is the one.
If this girl's into me, this is the one I have to have a child with.
She's gonna save me."
Because I said, "She needs to be a non-white woman.
I need to mate with a woman who's not white."
Because the truth is, by 2025, it's gonna be illegal to have all-white babies.
-[laughter] -They're not gonna let it continue.
"You can't! Privilege!
You can't! We have to be better!"
-[laughter] -So that means less whites.
So I said, "I gotta stay alive." Okay?
I went out that night and I met her,
and she was dancing around and she was gorgeous.
And I said, "Wow, she looks like the one, but I need to make sure she's not white."
'Cause she looked like she could've been Italian or Greek or something,
-and they look white. -[laughter]
So I said, "Lord, give me a sign. How do I know she's not white?"
And then she did a little spin move, and I noticed she had a tattoo on her tit.
I said, "She's Latina. Ven acquí, let's go.
Vámonos. Come on.
Dos hijas.
I have coquito."
[laughter]
And now we have this beautiful, little Puerto Rican family.
And listen, it's amazing.
I identify-- I stand before you today as a Latino man.
-That's who I am. -[laughter]
I'm a full Latino man.
Because, you know, that's my life. That's what I'm doing.
And people get mad, you know?
They're like, "You can't identify as Latino."
I'm like, "Well, I do. I have a house full of Latino people right now.
-Okay?" -[laughter]
They're making platanos.
[laughter]
And I didn't know what they were before.
I thought somebody was frying one of their sandals.
-[laughter] -I had no idea what they were.
But I enjoy them.
So, you know, that's how I feel. I feel like I'm a proud Puerto Rican.
And, you know, so when I tweet,
I tweet from the point of view of a Puerto Rican person.
And people get mad. Unfortunately, people get upset at that.
You know, white people, they always get mad.
They just, "How could you say that?"
Because the problem is
you can't get away with jokes like that anymore if you're white.
On social media, they go, "No, you have to reflect.
You're a bad person, Chris. You've done things. You're bad."
But I don't feel that way, you know? Like I said, I'm a proud Latino.
-[laughter] -And I said, "Look."
I tweeted, I said, "Listen. If I was President Joe Biden,
the first thing I would have did is made AOC the head of the CIA
because nobody looks through phones like Latina women."
-[cheering] -It's what I said.
And then this guy Ryan--
-this dumb, white piece of shit, Ryan-- -[laughter]
This guy started tweeting at me.
He was like, "You're a racist. How could you say that?"
-I'm like, "Say what? The truth?" -[laughter]
I mean, why would you have old white men in the CIA at this point?
I mean, seriously, if you really cared about national security,
you would have the CIA be made up 100% of Latina women,
and then you get them into relationships with suspected terrorists.
[laughter]
Let me tell you something, okay?
Those terrorists would get away with cero. Okay?
-[laughter] -Cero, cero, cero.
It's not gonna happen, papi. Trust me. I know, okay?
She has microphones in my shoelaces right now.
[laughter]
She says she's not here but I smell the adobo.
-[laughter] -And it makes me nervous,
and then my psoriasis flares up.
-[laughter] -I'm getting very itchy. You know?
And then he got mad at me, this guy, stupid Ryan from--
I think he was from Idaho.
Again, a white guy mad at that AOC tweet.
Just, you know, yelling at me. 'Cause here's the thing.
It's like society has become this thing where it's like you can't make a mistake.
It's like if you say one wrong word, that's it. You're done.
It used to be-- For our whole lives, it was: "Actions speak louder than words."
But now it's flipped. Now it's: "Words speak louder than actions."
All of a sudden, it doesn't matter what actions you've done,
if you said one word wrong, you're done. They did it to Kevin Hart.
Remember a couple years ago, Kevin Hart was gonna host the Oscars,
but then he had a homophobic tweet they found from ten years ago?
It's like, "You think Kevin Hart is a homophobe?
Dude, his actions prove differently."
He was the lead of the movie Jumanji.
-[laughter] -Do you know how gay you have to be?
They asked me to be in the movie.
I was like, "I don't guzzle come. So I'm not gonna do it."
[laughter]
[chuckling] It's like they go after anybody, you know?
So this guy-- Ryan was his name. And he doesn't know a thing about me.
Just starts attacking.
He was like, "I bet you've never even met a Latina person, Chris.
That's why the tweet's offensive. I bet you don't know one Latina person.
And that's what's sad. Get out there and meet some Latinas."
I was like, "You don't think I know one Latina person? Really? That's interesting.
Because my daughter's next to me doing Zumba right now.
Just juggling empanadas for no reason, okay?
This is my life, all right?
The baby's first words were 'Daddy Yankee.'
So why don't you just shut up,
stupid Ryan from stupid Idaho?"
If you're watching this in Idaho, please like and subscribe.
-Um… -[laughter]
I totes preesh.
But it also depends on your circumstances.
I always ask people, "Listen, I can't judge you. What were your circs?
What were your circs during the pandy wandy?"
Because it depends.
I wasn't afraid from day one only because of how I was living. Okay?
I mean, they shut the whole world down March 2020.
I was living in like a 500-square-foot apartment in Brooklyn,
three kids, two adults.
-Everybody hated me. -[laughter]
And, you know, bouncing off the walls, getting yelled at.
I wanted to leave immediately.
I was like, "I wanna get out. Let me breathe it in. I don't care."
I wasn't scared.
And then the world opened up again a few months later. I started doing shows.
I was one of the first comedians. I got out there, doing shows.
I didn't care. "Take the masks-- I don't care."
And people on Twitter start yelling at me.
They were like, "You're gonna do shows, Chris? It's too soon.
What if-- What if you get COVID?
It's possible that you're gonna get COVID."
I was like, "Good. I live in hell.
I couldn't care less about COVID, okay?
Two weeks on a ventilator, that would be like going to Aruba for me.
You understand? It would be like a Sandals resort.
You have to see my life right now. I don't want to watch Wreck-It Ralph again.
Put the ventilator in my mouth right now.
Just shove it down my throat. I'll try not to come.
I don't know what you want me to tell you."
Now it's a fun part of the pandy wandy.
We've reached the fun-- That's what I call it, "the pandy wandy."
I had to make it-- Listen, everybody had different reasons.
I had to call it "the pandy wandy." I wasn't gonna call it "the pandemic."
My daughter's terrified.
Everybody was calling it "the pandemic," the newscasters, her teachers.
She's like, "That scares me: pandemic."
I'm like, "What, the pandemic? I don't know what that is.
I know what the pandy wandy is, and that ain't shit, babe. The pand-- Who--"
She's like, "'Pandy wandy' sounds fun."
I'm like, "Yeah, 'cause it is fun. 'Pandy wandy'."
She's like, "Yeah, that's fun, Dad."
I'm like, "Exactly, babe." 'Pandy wandy,' we stay neutral.
And she's like, "'Pandy' sounds like 'pandas'."
I was like, "I didn't even think of that, bubs. It does sound like 'pandas'."
She's like, "Where are pandas from?" I was like, "China."
[laughter]
'Cause I have friends that have-- Some of my friends, their IQs are like--
I have a friend, I think his IQ is below zero.
-[laughter] -I think he'd go negative.
He would talk to me about health care for the last two years, all day, every day.
This is this thing that we as a country, everybody started to do this.
You know, we'd listen to half a podcast on mushrooms, a couple Twitter threads,
and then go, "Oh, yeah. I went to nine years of medical school."
Always unwarranted. I never asked this guy anything.
I never asked him one question about health care.
He doesn't even work remotely in the health care field.
Every time you talked to him, he had a new thing that he needed to tell you.
Like I remember when everyone was getting the vaccine,
he's like, "You need to be careful with the vaccine, okay?
'Cause it is not FDA approved, no matter what the news says.
They're lying. It's not FDA approved.
It is causing myocarditis, which is inflammation of the heart, okay?
It is also causing encephalopathy,
which is inflammation of the encephalepathon.
And Dr. Fauci and Hillary Clinton are war criminals,
and they're running a pedophile ring out of a pizzeria in Washington, DC."
-[laughter] -I was like, "Dude, you work for FedEx,
so you're an expert in packaging.
Where's my tracking number link, you idiot?
I don't want to talk to you about health care ever again."
Because you know what happens then if everyone starts--
we all think we know everything because of this,
then it puts pressure on real doctors,
then actual, for-real doctors don't really know what to say or do
because they just get yelled at by the patients all day,
because the patient thinks they have more info.
Is there an actual doctor here? Is somebody like a for-real doctor?
Are you? Is anybody a doctor?
No? I have a smart crowd.
Way to go. This is great.
Are you a doctor?
-Oh, the Indian guy. Perfect. Way to go. -[laughter, applause]
The one person who's not white and Indian in here is a doctor.
Are you a doctor?
-Yeah. -What kind of doctor?
Just internal medicine.
Internal medicine. Okay, so finally a real doctor.
How funny is that, that you're an Indian guy?
-What's your name? -Ranjeev.
-Yeah.
I like that you went fucking "Ranjeev."
I like that, because somebody would have said, "Randy."
Then I would've said, "No, I want the full Indian."
Ranjeev. I fucking like--
-R-A-N-J-E-E-V. -Very good!
There it is. You kidding me? You know how much Indian porn I watch?
I love it. You kidding me?
They call me "Chrissy Calcutta." That's what I do.
[laughter]
Ranjeev, you--
Because real doctors, they get yelled at by idiots like us.
We're not real, you know?
My daughter's pediatrician, this guy, he's so nervous all the time
because he must just get screamed at by people.
I brought her to the pediatrician the other day.
He went, "So what do you wanna do today, Dad? Today's totally your call.
Let's have a conversation about your daughter's health.
I'm looking at her chart. She does need some updated vaccines--
Not that vaccine, Dad! Don't get scared. Not that one, okay?
But she does need some vaccines to get into school.
So what do you wanna do?
You want me to leave the syringes and you can inject her?
Whatever you want to do, Dad. Let's have a conversation."
I was like, "Why are you even talking to me? I don't know what to do.
You're the doctor. I'm the dad, all right?
I'm here to hold her down and you light her up
with mumps, rubella, polio.
Anything that used to kill a pirate,
I would like in my daughter's immune system.
Yeah. Put on Pirates of the Caribbean. Let's do that.
What did they die of? Yeah, light her up. It'd be perfect."
But at least we can laugh again. That's nice.
I'm happy that at least we've gotten to a point now
where we can start laughing again.
'Cause for a while there, it was getting dicey.
I mean, everybody-- You could not do comedy.
Like, I would never in a million years start comedy today.
I have no choice. I'm ten years into it. I just have to come up here every night
with a suitcase full of anxiety and depression and just figure it out.
'Cause the bottom line is nobody in my family wants to work. That's the truth.
-[laughter] -So anytime you see me adding a show,
it's because she wanted to put an extension on the living room.
I'm like, "What are we doing here?" You know?
She's like, "I'm a spin instructor." I'm like, "That's great."
-[laughter] -"That's so great. I support you!
But you better start pedaling that bike a little faster,
and it better start shitting out Bitcoin,
because we're behind on the mortgage!
I'm doing shows in Des Moines next week. Des Moines, sweetie."
It's the capital of Iowa. I know every capital.
-Um… [chuckles] -[laughter]
You know? I was at a point where I just had to take work.
I didn't want to do it. I had to take work.
And I was getting fired. Even I got fired from a job.
I never got fired from anything in my life.
I hosted a show for Netflix. It was called the Ultimate Beastmaster.
I mean, what a piece of shit show this show was.
But I had no choice, okay? I had no choice. I needed the money.
So I was like, "I gotta do this." And I cohosted the show with Tiki Barber.
He was an old NFL running back, this guy.
Tiki Barber, borderline hall of fame player.
I was like, "That's interesting. Why is Tiki Barber cohosting a show with me?"
[chuckles] And then I found out
he was going through a divorce and he has six kids.
I was like, "Oh, he also needs the money. That's what's happened.
The state of New Jersey is crushing this guy."
And when Netflix hired me, they hired me to do jokes.
They were like, "You're gonna be the color commentary guy.
Tiki's gonna do the X's and O's.
You're gonna be the fun guy, color commentary. Be silly."
I was like, "Great." So they hire me to do jokes, I do jokes,
then I get fired for doing jokes.
Because what they told me was,
"Look, it's an international competition. You're the host of Team USA.
So what we need you to do is make fun of every other country,
just shit on them for everything they've ever stood for.
And when that camera is on you, you be pro-America.
So, say how much the other countries suck and how much you love America.
It'll be good."
I'm like, "Okay, this will be fine and have no repercussions.
This is exactly what America wants to see right now,
is just Chrissy Capitol Face yelling 'build the wall' at the Mexican team.
-This should be perf McGerf." -[laughter]
So, I do the show, and I get fired for jokes.
Like, Team India actually had a team. Team India had a team.
And one of their competitors, his name was Rishi Patel--
Tell me if this is a problem, Ranjeev.
His name was Rishi Patel. I was calling him Rishi's Peanut Butter Cups.
[laughter]
You have an issue with that? Not at all, right?
Dude, it's fucking… I'm telling you, dude.
See? Because other people did.
We should have a show. We should do a thing called Ask Ranjeev.
Remember Ask Jeeves? Ask Ranjeev. You wanna do that?
Me and you are gonna do that. Ask Ranjeev. My agency are marking it down.
Ask Ranjeev. It's taking me to stardom. Ask Ranjeev.
[laughter]
Rishi Patel, problem with it. I was like, "Okay."
But the one I got fired for was…
When you fell off the obstacle course
and you got eliminated and fell into the water,
they called that water the Beast's Blood.
I had to keep saying that. "The Beast's Blood. The Beast's Blood."
And then one day I showed up to work,
and I was like, "I'm not calling it the Beast's Blood today.
I'm not. I'm not gonna do it.
I've been here three weeks. I'm sick and tired."
-I was drunk on set. -[laughter]
I'd been drinking Bud Light Seltzers, doing Flonase.
I said, "I'm not calling it the Beast's Blood."
And I said-- I had a little Netflix producer in my ear.
I said, "Listen, I'm gonna call it something else.
Not calling it the Beast's Blood, so just wanted to make sure I have your permish."
He goes, "Absolutely. We love you here at Netflix.
You've been doing great, Chris. You've been doing so good."
-[laughter] -I was like, "Okay!"
So Team China was stepping up.
They were unbelievable, Ranjeev.
I mean, they were so good. No, you don't understand how good they were.
They were fantastic.
And their best competitor's name was Bin Fang.
He was stepping up onto the obstacle course.
Nobody thought he was gonna fall.
But on the off chance he did fall, I was like, "I got a good one in my head."
It's almost like Jesus placed the joke in my head
as soon as the board said Team China. I was like, "Thank you."
Bang. He just put it right in there. It was like, "Boom!"
So, I told Tiki. I said, "Tiki, listen to me.
If this kid falls, don't say anything. I got a good one."
[laughter]
And Tiki was just looking blankly straight ahead,
just staring off into space.
I was like, "Dude, are you okay?"
He was like, "I should have never got married."
[laughter]
I was like, "Yeah, dummy! What are you doing?
Of course. I could have told you that."
So Bin Fang steps up and he's flying through the obstacle course.
He's doing good. I'm like, "He's not gonna fall.
I had the perfect joke if he would've fallen, but shit, he's not gonna fall."
But he's in the middle of the obstacle course,
and it starts to rain out of nowhere.
It's almost like Jesus himself started to make it rain
like Salt Bae, just…
He just starts making it rain,
because he wanted to hear the joke he put in my head.
So, I'm like, "Oh, my God. This might happen."
And Bin Fang knows it's raining but he's gotta get to the other side of the course.
But if he falls, he falls. He's out.
So he's trying to go fast,
but the rain's picking up and the course is getting wetter and wetter,
and so was I.
Because I knew that this kid is gonna fall,
and then I'm gonna unleash the joke, and that's exactly what happened.
He just fell, and I let him splash and hit that water.
And I took a moment in my head.
I even asked the Netflix producer one more time.
I said, "Am I clear to improv a name for the Beast's Blood?"
-He was like, "Absolutely!" -[laughter]
I was like, "Okay. There goes Bin Fang into the duck sauce."
The producer, he was like, "Oh, no! Cut!
Cut!"
I was like, "God, thank you. Thank you."
Fired. Immediately, on the spot, fired.
And you know what the hypocritical bullshit is?
Bin Fang retweeted the clip of me saying, "There goes Bin Fang into the duck sauce."
-Okay? Binny, absolutely loved it. -[cheering]
[laughter]
Yeah. He did. He loved it.
I got fired by some fat white woman named Barbara…
[laughter]
…who definitely sent the email with duck sauce on her fingertips.
I know she did. Because she's fat, fat, fat.
She was all, "You're fired."
It's usually white people. That's the thing.
You know, the Cleveland Indians
had to change the name of their baseball team a couple years ago.
What, you think that was Indian people?
Native American people don't care. They don't watch baseball.
That was white women being like, "We have to do something.
It is not okay that they are saying 'Indians.' It is just not okay."
And it's like, we just missed the point as whites. Who cares about the name?
Ask any Native American person you know,
"Hey, what do you think of the name the Cleveland Indians?"
They'd be like, "You know what? Why don't you keep the name,
just give us back our land, okay?
Yeah, it's not really about baseball, Susan.
It's just you built the stadium on my grandmother's wigwam!
Second base used to be a longhouse."
Any white guys out there who are dating Latina women?
-[whooping] -Any? Are you? Is she Latina?
Nice. Come to the meetings, Tuesdays and Thursdays.
We talk about how to stay alive--
It's crazy. Look at this fucking-- I mean-- Dude, I don't know.
I like that chain, man. How expensive is your chain?
My-- No, dude. I bought this at the Staten Island Mall. Yeah.
Kids?
Two kids. Nice, dude. You're not going nowhere.
[laughter]
Yeah. Listen, it's fun. It's fun dating a Latina woman.
You know, it's terrifying,
but it's like a thrill ride, you know what I mean,
like at an amusement park.
Every day of my life, I'm like, "Buckle up."
[laughter]
'Cause you're just getting yelled at. All the time, just getting yelled at.
I remember one time we were living in an apartment building.
We lived on the 12th floor, and she wanted to see my phone.
And I was like, "No. I'm not giving you my phone."
She was like, "Chris, let me see your phone."
I was like, "No. I'm not giving you my phone, okay?
That's like an invasion of privacy. This is borderline emotional abuse.
I have a right to my own phone.
You can't look at it."
She was like, "Give me your phone." I was like, "No!"
And then she kicked our air conditioner out the window on the 12th floor.
I was like, "Ay, dios mío!"
I was like, "You could've killed somebody."
She was like, "Probably that bitch you texted."
-[laughter] -[person] Oh!
I was like, "Is she down there?"
[imitates sobbing]
Even my daughter, my oldest daughter, I mean, no, she's like her mom.
She has the same attitude as her mom, and it's like genuinely terrifying.
-[laughter] -Because she's, you know…
All I want to do is please her.
I love my kids so much. They're my whole life.
All I want to do is make her happy, and she's always mad at me.
She's just constantly-- We were driving the other day.
It was a beautiful day. She was in the back seat.
The window was down. She was like, "Daddy, um, hello?
I'm cold."
So I was like, "I'm sorry, honey. I apologize."
So I put the window up. She was like, "Now, I'm hot."
[laughter]
So I put the window back down.
She was like, "I just told you that makes me cold."
I was like, "What do you want me to do?"
She was like, "Figure it out.
That's what I want you to do. Figure it out."
She was doing that thing like her mom does,
where she opens and closes her hand.
-[laughter] -Latina women do that. They're like…
I feel like they're catching your words, you know?
[laughter]
So when you try to lie ten years from now, they're like,
"That's not what you really said, 'cause I caught your fucking words,
-so you're lying." -[laughter]
[chuckles] She's funny, my kid.
She asked me the other day, "Daddy, am I white or am I Latina?"
I said, "It depends on the sitch,
so you could play it both ways, baby.
Give me the scenario. What are we talking about?
College interview? Oh, you're Latina, baby.
Diversity, yes! Bring it in, sister!
I am diverse! Give me a scholarship!
Job interview? White!"
Um…
"White!" Here's the truth about me.
Listen, I don't think I'm gay. Okay?
I would say-- Let's say 90% sure-- Let's say 85.
-[laughter] -85% sure--
we'll go low 80s-- not gay.
But I grew up in a neighborhood where, you know--
My mother's a very intelligent woman. She was all about education.
So I learned stuff. I was into learning.
And that was gay in the neighborhood I grew up in.
Like, "What, are you going to school and learning stuff?"
It's like… Ugh.
Yeah. Like I know every state capital.
I was gonna tell Antonio Parisi that? That I know every state capital?
He'd be like, "I bet you do." And then shove his cock right in my mouth.
[gags] "Albany!"
[laughter]
"Montpelier, Vermont. A lot of people don't know that one." Ugh.
But, you know, the truth is
I can't really take a good look inside to see if there's any gay floating around
until my father dies.
That's-- I got a father that is--
Most of us have that father, but I'm in my 30s.
Guys over 70, that's what it is.
Being gay was taboo back then,
so either your father is just a homophobe
or he secretly came out of the closet to your mom.
-It's one or the other, you know? -[laughter]
So my dad is like a gay--
He just wouldn't be able to accept it,
so I've never been able to take a look inside to see if there's any gay floating.
Subconsciously, I don't know. There could be.
I have to wait till he dies, you know?
My mother could call me one day and be like, "I have terrible news. Dad died."
And I might be like, "Fucking yes!
Let's talk about this carpet, bitch.
I mean, what do you wanna do?"
-[whooping] -You know? But I don't know.
Because everything's gay with him. Everything. He has rules.
Like, he thinks…
And listen, I get it from his point of view.
Once he said it to me, I was like, "I mean, I guess."
He thinks if you're a guy and you introduce yourself
with your full, mother-given first name, that means you're gay.
-[laughter] -He thinks only gay men do that.
Straight men-- a shortened version of a name or a nickname.
But a gay man would go with the full first.
And, you know, it's wild,
but like I've got a friend named Steven. Okay?
I don't know why he goes by Steven. I never asked him.
I never assumed anything either.
And the first time I introduced him to my father,
I was like, "Hey, Dad, this is my friend Steven."
He was like, "Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Come on, Chris. I don't even have a shirt on."
-[laughter] -I was like, "What? A shirt on?"
He goes, "You know, it's 'Steven.' Relax."
I was like, "Relax? What are you talking about?"
He goes, "What do you mean what am I talking about?
What's his name, stupid?"
I was like, "Steven." He goes, "Exactly."
I was like, "Exactly what?"
And then he asks him. He goes, "Is your name 'Steven' or is it 'Steve'?"
He was like, "I go by 'Steven'."
He was like, "This guy smokes cock. Okay.
Listen, you smoke cock, and we support you, okay?
From now on, though, we're gonna call you 'Stevie Blow Jobs.'
That's your name from now on. It's little Stevie Blow Jobs."
It's this wild thing. It's this wild thing that he has, a lot of older men have.
But I still love him. I love my pops, you know.
He's the definition of a guy, my father, who doesn't give a fuck.
He just doesn't care at all.
-[person] Tony! -Yeah, Tony. Some people are like that.
Tampa Tony. I don't know why he is the way he is.
But he just couldn't care less about anything.
And that's good. That's good, you know?
I mean, I remember one time we saw--
I was in a pizzeria with him,
and I saw Steven Tyler, you know, from Aerosmith.
I saw him, and everybody was like, "Oh. That's him."
And my dad was like, "I know who that guy is."
I was like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody does."
He goes, "Yeah, that fucking guy. I gotta say something to him."
I was like, "Dad, please don't say anything to him.
Please don't say anything to him."
He goes, "I gotta say something to him, Chris.
He's napkin-blotting the oil off his pizza.
So, that's a sin. He should get punched in the face for that. He can't do it."
I was like, "Dad, don't do it." He goes, "I'm doing it."
He walks up to him. He goes, "Yo, Bon Jovi."
[laughter]
"Don't napkin-blot the oil off your pizza, you loser."
He was like, "I'm Steven Tyler." He goes, "You suck."
[laughter]
And just walked away. He goes, "Who's that fucking piano man?"
I was like, "Fuck…"
The thing about COVID,
what's been good about COVID for me personally,
is that a lot of people don't want to do things.
A lot of people don't want to go out. They don't want to do things.
So I got to be on some lists for different events and stuff.
You do comedy in New York, you get on these lists.
But I was always very low on the lists. But then I started moving up on the lists,
because people don't want to go out, people are dying.
-So I just start moving up. -[laughter]
And so I got called to go sit courtside at Madison Square Garden
-for a New York Knicks game. -[whooping]
It was awesome. I was like, "Whoa, I'm doing it!"
So I brought my father. Of course I brought my father.
And they told me, "Look, but here's the thing.
Whoever you bring, and you yourself,
you can't talk to anybody and you've gotta dress really nice.
Those are just the rules.
Because MSG courtside, there's A-list celebrities there
so, you know, that's the rules."
I was like, "Perfect. No problem."
I call my dad. I'm like, "Dad, great news.
Tomorrow night, me and you are going to the game, courtside.
But you can't talk to anybody and you gotta dress really nice."
He goes, "That's great, Chris. Thanks.
First of all, I'll do whatever the fuck I wanna do. Okay?"
He goes,
"So don't worry about it.
I'll be there in a suit with my New Balance sneakers on,
because I got the diabetes, so I can't wear my shoes."
-[laughter] -So I was like, "Okay."
So we get there to the game, and it is pretty cool. It's awesome.
I'm like, "Wow."
And my dad's walking around. He talks to a ball boy.
He goes, "Yo, get my son a basketball.
Get him a signed basketball from one of the players.
Okay? And cotton candy. Two cotton candies for my kid."
I'm like, "You're making me feel like a Make-A-Wish.
I brought you here, Dad. This is-- Just stop. Sit down."
And he keeps stomping the court. He kept doing it. Just stomped the court.
He was like, "My feet are on the hardwood, MSG, Chris."
I was like, "Yeah, it's awesome." I'm looking around, taking in the sights.
Then I turn down. He goes, "Take a picture of my foot."
He had taken his shoe and sock off,
and he had his bare, disgusting, decrepit foot
-on the court at MSG. -[laughter]
He goes, "I'm feeling my foot on the floor."
I was like, "You have no feeling in your diabetic foot, so stop it."
His toes look like Gollum from Lord of the Rings.
[imitating Gollum] "Precious."
[normal] I was like, "Put your shoe and sock on!"
He was like, "All right! My kid's gonna have a heart attack."
And the game's going on. He was putting his foot out to trip a player.
He'd be like, "How great would that be? Put it on TokTik."
I was like…
[laughter]
So then, I hear my father start running his mouth and talking.
Because it was-- I was sitting here. My father was in the middle.
And then next to my father was this really famous guy.
I didn't even look at who it was until the end.
But it was this really famous guy. And my dad's just running his mouth.
My father is the epitome of a human being who just doesn't give a shit at all.
So my dad is talking to this man at the Knicks game, this really famous man.
And he's telling him all about me, which is embarrassing.
I'm like, "You don't have to say anything, Dad. I don't care."
He goes, "My son's a great comedian.
You gotta get on his website, chrisdcomedy.com.
But he's probably sold out of clicks. Sold all the clicks."
I'm like, "It's not how the Internet works, but whatever."
-[laughter] -He goes, "Yeah, those clicks."
Then he goes-- and this is true--
he goes, "He's got a gig next week at Bananas Comedy Club."
That's real, Bananas Comedy Club.
It's a comedy club inside a Holiday Inn Express
off the side of the highway in Hasbrouck Heights, New Jersey.
They hang live bananas, real bananas over your head
that they got at a bodega two hours before,
in a hotel conference room, I swear to God.
I was really doing a show there. And he's telling him, he goes,
"And my kid's probably sold out, though. He's probably sold out.
So if you put 50 bucks underneath my foot right now,
maybe two tickets will pop up, maybe they won't."
-[laughter] -He's just running his mouth,
and I'm so embarrassed.
I don't even want to look at who this is. I just want this to end. Want this to end.
And then with that, the MSG staff came over
to put the man my father was talking to up on the jumbotron.
-It was Phil Collins, okay? -[laughter]
Phil Collins, a man who sold out the entire world,
was being told to come see me at Bananas Comedy Club
inside a Holiday Inn Express off the side of the highway in New Jersey.
-[cheering] -I go-- Yeah.
I was like, "Dad. Dad, that's Phil Collins."
He was like, "Yeah, he's gay."
I was like, "No, he's not."
And then I watched my father go to Phil Collins.
He goes, "Phil, let me ask you a question.
When you're at home with your family, do you go by 'Phil' or 'Phillip'?"
[laughter]
And he was like, "I usually go by Phillip."
He was like, "This guy smokes cock.
-100% this guy smokes cock." -[laughter]
Guys, thank you so much.
[cheering]
Plus, let me tell you something.
I appreciate you guys coming.
Because guess what? Everybody said no to me.
Netflix, HBO, Showtime, they all said no, no, no, no, no.
So I said, "Fuck it, I'm doing it on YouTube."
So thank you.
I appreciate all the love and support and everything you guys have given me.
Thank you. Get up, Max, you white piece of shit.
Thank you, guys. Thank you. Thank you.
Have a good night. You'll see it on YouTube.
Or if Netflix wants to buy it, I'll sell it to you. Whatever you want.
Thank you, guys. Good night.
Yes! Good night, everybody. Thank you.