1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
2
00:00:07,215 --> 00:00:09,843
[Chris Distefano]
I'm gonna be honest with you guys.
3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
4
00:00:09,926 --> 00:00:11,761
I sat in that green room,
and I said, "Chris--"
5
00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:14,556
I looked in the mirror. I said,
"Chris, don't start drinking martinis.
6
00:00:14,639 --> 00:00:17,684
Don't start drinking martinis.
Don't start drinking martinis."
7
00:00:17,767 --> 00:00:19,060
I've had six martinis.
8
00:00:19,144 --> 00:00:24,774
-[audience cheering]
-So, this show is gonna be loose!
9
00:00:26,359 --> 00:00:29,446
Yeah, baby! Yeah!
10
00:00:29,529 --> 00:00:30,822
[laughter]
11
00:00:30,905 --> 00:00:35,243
-[announcer] Chris Distefano!
-[audience cheering]
12
00:00:39,414 --> 00:00:40,790
Thank you!
13
00:00:41,583 --> 00:00:43,918
Ugh! Thank you!
14
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:49,048
We did it, baby. We did it. Thank you.
15
00:00:49,132 --> 00:00:51,217
Thank you for coming.
Thank you for coming, sir.
16
00:00:51,301 --> 00:00:53,845
Thank you. Thank you.
17
00:00:53,928 --> 00:00:56,264
Whoa! Thank you.
18
00:00:56,931 --> 00:01:00,602
-Gramercy Theatre, welcome.
-[person squeals]
19
00:01:00,685 --> 00:01:04,022
Thank you so much for coming
to my speshy weshy.
20
00:01:04,105 --> 00:01:07,942
-[laughter]
-Thank you. Thank you so much.
21
00:01:08,026 --> 00:01:10,862
It's great. It's great to be here.
22
00:01:10,945 --> 00:01:15,283
There's a lot of things going on
out in the world, okay?
23
00:01:15,366 --> 00:01:18,745
It's World War III out there.
Don't worry about it, okay?
24
00:01:18,828 --> 00:01:23,166
Out there, it's World War III.
In here tonight, World War Whee.
25
00:01:23,249 --> 00:01:24,876
-[laughter]
-That's what we're gonna do.
26
00:01:24,959 --> 00:01:26,086
We're gonna have fun.
27
00:01:26,169 --> 00:01:28,630
A lot of people are dying.
They're dying as we speak.
28
00:01:28,713 --> 00:01:31,216
-Um…
-[laughter]
29
00:01:31,299 --> 00:01:33,885
People being killed left and right.
30
00:01:33,968 --> 00:01:36,346
And, uh, you know,
we're just gonna do some jokes.
31
00:01:36,429 --> 00:01:38,056
[laughter]
32
00:01:38,139 --> 00:01:41,726
Listen, I got a daughter.
She's woke, my daughter.
33
00:01:41,810 --> 00:01:44,854
And she asked me today, she said,
"Daddy, why are your teeth so yellow?"
34
00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:46,606
I said, "'Cause I stand with the Ukraine."
35
00:01:46,689 --> 00:01:48,066
-[laughter]
-Um…
36
00:01:48,149 --> 00:01:51,945
"So I'm purposely having them yellow
and my balls are blue.
37
00:01:52,028 --> 00:01:54,614
I stand with the Ukraine,
38
00:01:54,697 --> 00:01:57,367
because your mother
is not giving it up and…"
39
00:01:57,450 --> 00:02:00,370
-[laughter]
-No, she is. Just not to me.
40
00:02:00,453 --> 00:02:02,330
[laughter]
41
00:02:02,413 --> 00:02:04,666
Shout-out in the show
to the contractor. Um…
42
00:02:05,250 --> 00:02:09,462
Listen, the silver lining in that conflict
43
00:02:09,546 --> 00:02:12,674
is at least it's white people
killing white people.
44
00:02:12,757 --> 00:02:16,636
-[laughter]
-That's the positive thing about that war.
45
00:02:16,719 --> 00:02:19,305
It's whites. Less whites.
46
00:02:19,389 --> 00:02:21,558
[laughter]
47
00:02:21,641 --> 00:02:24,686
Because, I mean,
it's over for white people. It's 100%--
48
00:02:24,769 --> 00:02:28,690
We had a nice run.
Listen, white people, we had a nice run.
49
00:02:28,773 --> 00:02:31,317
But, baby, it's over. Okay?
50
00:02:32,110 --> 00:02:36,281
Make no mistake.
Face down, done, over. Never coming back.
51
00:02:36,364 --> 00:02:40,660
But hall of fame, historically,
really, you know, a lot of good things.
52
00:02:40,743 --> 00:02:42,203
Also a lot of bad things.
53
00:02:42,287 --> 00:02:45,790
But we brush over it, you know?
54
00:02:45,874 --> 00:02:47,500
But it's over. It's over for whites.
55
00:02:47,584 --> 00:02:50,795
And I knew that. I knew that.
I felt that about seven years ago.
56
00:02:50,879 --> 00:02:55,383
I felt that coming.
I felt the tide turning for the whites.
57
00:02:55,466 --> 00:02:58,469
I looked in the mirror.
I said, "Uh-oh, SpaghettiO.
58
00:02:58,553 --> 00:03:00,763
-Chris, you are--"
-[laughter]
59
00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:03,182
'Cause I am like skin-condition white.
60
00:03:03,266 --> 00:03:05,184
Like I'm supremely white.
61
00:03:05,268 --> 00:03:08,354
And it's just-- I knew it.
So I had to make a decision.
62
00:03:08,438 --> 00:03:10,523
'Cause I deliberately, on purpose--
63
00:03:10,607 --> 00:03:12,650
Both my daughters are Puerto Rican.
I have--
64
00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:16,446
-[person] Whoo!
-Yes, Latina children. Thank you. Ooh.
65
00:03:16,529 --> 00:03:18,531
[laughter]
66
00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:21,451
I have Latina kids, and, again, by design.
67
00:03:21,534 --> 00:03:25,914
I went out to a bar seven years ago.
It's called Place to Beach.
68
00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:28,958
It's still there, actually.
It's in Coney Island, Brooklyn.
69
00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:31,002
-Google it. Yeah, Place to Beach.
-[person] Yeah!
70
00:03:31,085 --> 00:03:32,837
I bought my fake vaccine card there…
71
00:03:32,921 --> 00:03:35,006
-[laughter]
-…um, with a mai tai.
72
00:03:36,591 --> 00:03:39,761
And-- From Vito, he's dead of COVID.
73
00:03:39,844 --> 00:03:42,347
-But what can you do?
-[laughter]
74
00:03:42,430 --> 00:03:45,683
I met my daughters'
beautiful Latina mother.
75
00:03:45,767 --> 00:03:47,852
-[cheering]
-I mean, just a beautiful woman. She is.
76
00:03:47,936 --> 00:03:49,187
She really is.
77
00:03:49,270 --> 00:03:52,065
And I saw her dancing around,
and I said, "This is the one."
78
00:03:52,148 --> 00:03:55,068
I told my friends.
I said, "This is the one.
79
00:03:55,151 --> 00:03:58,071
If this girl's into me, this is the one
I have to have a child with.
80
00:03:58,154 --> 00:03:59,239
She's gonna save me."
81
00:03:59,322 --> 00:04:02,075
Because I said,
"She needs to be a non-white woman.
82
00:04:02,158 --> 00:04:05,036
I need to mate with a woman
who's not white."
83
00:04:05,119 --> 00:04:08,831
Because the truth is, by 2025, it's
gonna be illegal to have all-white babies.
84
00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:10,750
-[laughter]
-They're not gonna let it continue.
85
00:04:10,833 --> 00:04:12,335
"You can't! Privilege!
86
00:04:12,418 --> 00:04:15,338
You can't! We have to be better!"
87
00:04:15,421 --> 00:04:18,049
-[laughter]
-So that means less whites.
88
00:04:18,132 --> 00:04:20,969
So I said, "I gotta stay alive." Okay?
89
00:04:22,303 --> 00:04:24,764
I went out that night and I met her,
90
00:04:24,847 --> 00:04:26,808
and she was dancing around
and she was gorgeous.
91
00:04:26,891 --> 00:04:31,437
And I said, "Wow, she looks like the one,
but I need to make sure she's not white."
92
00:04:31,521 --> 00:04:34,315
'Cause she looked like she could've been
Italian or Greek or something,
93
00:04:34,399 --> 00:04:35,942
-and they look white.
-[laughter]
94
00:04:36,025 --> 00:04:39,320
So I said, "Lord, give me a sign.
How do I know she's not white?"
95
00:04:39,404 --> 00:04:42,573
And then she did a little spin move,
and I noticed she had a tattoo on her tit.
96
00:04:42,657 --> 00:04:45,201
I said, "She's Latina.
Ven acquí, let's go.
97
00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:47,203
Vámonos. Come on.
98
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:48,788
Dos hijas.
99
00:04:50,915 --> 00:04:52,583
I have coquito."
100
00:04:52,667 --> 00:04:54,419
[laughter]
101
00:04:55,712 --> 00:04:59,090
And now we have this beautiful,
little Puerto Rican family.
102
00:04:59,173 --> 00:05:00,633
And listen, it's amazing.
103
00:05:00,717 --> 00:05:04,554
I identify-- I stand before you today
as a Latino man.
104
00:05:04,637 --> 00:05:05,930
-That's who I am.
-[laughter]
105
00:05:06,014 --> 00:05:09,017
I'm a full Latino man.
106
00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:12,812
Because, you know, that's my life.
That's what I'm doing.
107
00:05:12,895 --> 00:05:14,897
And people get mad, you know?
108
00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:17,066
They're like,
"You can't identify as Latino."
109
00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:21,195
I'm like, "Well, I do. I have a house
full of Latino people right now.
110
00:05:21,279 --> 00:05:22,405
-Okay?"
-[laughter]
111
00:05:22,488 --> 00:05:23,865
They're making platanos.
112
00:05:23,948 --> 00:05:25,199
[laughter]
113
00:05:25,283 --> 00:05:27,952
And I didn't know what they were before.
114
00:05:28,036 --> 00:05:30,204
I thought somebody was frying
one of their sandals.
115
00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:32,874
-[laughter]
-I had no idea what they were.
116
00:05:32,957 --> 00:05:34,459
But I enjoy them.
117
00:05:34,542 --> 00:05:38,921
So, you know, that's how I feel.
I feel like I'm a proud Puerto Rican.
118
00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:41,966
And, you know, so when I tweet,
119
00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:45,053
I tweet from the point of view
of a Puerto Rican person.
120
00:05:45,136 --> 00:05:48,848
And people get mad.
Unfortunately, people get upset at that.
121
00:05:48,931 --> 00:05:51,017
You know, white people,
they always get mad.
122
00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:52,894
They just, "How could you say that?"
123
00:05:52,977 --> 00:05:54,729
Because the problem is
124
00:05:54,812 --> 00:05:59,150
you can't get away with jokes like that
anymore if you're white.
125
00:05:59,233 --> 00:06:03,112
On social media, they go,
"No, you have to reflect.
126
00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:07,116
You're a bad person, Chris.
You've done things. You're bad."
127
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:11,037
But I don't feel that way, you know?
Like I said, I'm a proud Latino.
128
00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:14,874
-[laughter]
-And I said, "Look."
129
00:06:14,957 --> 00:06:18,461
I tweeted, I said, "Listen.
If I was President Joe Biden,
130
00:06:18,544 --> 00:06:23,591
the first thing I would have did
is made AOC the head of the CIA
131
00:06:23,674 --> 00:06:27,637
because nobody looks through phones
like Latina women."
132
00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:30,348
-[cheering]
-It's what I said.
133
00:06:32,350 --> 00:06:34,352
And then this guy Ryan--
134
00:06:34,435 --> 00:06:37,688
-this dumb, white piece of shit, Ryan--
-[laughter]
135
00:06:37,772 --> 00:06:39,482
This guy started tweeting at me.
136
00:06:39,565 --> 00:06:42,819
He was like, "You're a racist.
How could you say that?"
137
00:06:42,902 --> 00:06:44,821
-I'm like, "Say what? The truth?"
-[laughter]
138
00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:51,410
I mean, why would you have old white men
in the CIA at this point?
139
00:06:51,494 --> 00:06:55,832
I mean, seriously, if you really cared
about national security,
140
00:06:55,915 --> 00:07:00,878
you would have the CIA
be made up 100% of Latina women,
141
00:07:00,962 --> 00:07:06,217
and then you get them into relationships
with suspected terrorists.
142
00:07:06,300 --> 00:07:07,969
[laughter]
143
00:07:08,052 --> 00:07:10,638
Let me tell you something, okay?
144
00:07:10,721 --> 00:07:14,225
Those terrorists
would get away with cero. Okay?
145
00:07:14,308 --> 00:07:16,769
-[laughter]
-Cero, cero, cero.
146
00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:20,398
It's not gonna happen, papi.
Trust me. I know, okay?
147
00:07:20,481 --> 00:07:22,692
She has microphones
in my shoelaces right now.
148
00:07:22,775 --> 00:07:24,026
[laughter]
149
00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:26,446
She says she's not here
but I smell the adobo.
150
00:07:26,529 --> 00:07:28,906
-[laughter]
-And it makes me nervous,
151
00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:30,616
and then my psoriasis flares up.
152
00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:34,245
-[laughter]
-I'm getting very itchy. You know?
153
00:07:34,328 --> 00:07:36,914
And then he got mad at me, this guy,
stupid Ryan from--
154
00:07:36,998 --> 00:07:39,000
I think he was from Idaho.
155
00:07:39,083 --> 00:07:42,336
Again, a white guy mad at that AOC tweet.
156
00:07:42,420 --> 00:07:44,964
Just, you know, yelling at me.
'Cause here's the thing.
157
00:07:45,047 --> 00:07:48,801
It's like society has become this thing
where it's like you can't make a mistake.
158
00:07:48,885 --> 00:07:51,554
It's like if you say one wrong word,
that's it. You're done.
159
00:07:51,637 --> 00:07:55,349
It used to be-- For our whole lives,
it was: "Actions speak louder than words."
160
00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:58,060
But now it's flipped. Now it's:
"Words speak louder than actions."
161
00:07:58,144 --> 00:08:00,730
All of a sudden, it doesn't matter
what actions you've done,
162
00:08:00,813 --> 00:08:04,150
if you said one word wrong, you're done.
They did it to Kevin Hart.
163
00:08:04,233 --> 00:08:06,652
Remember a couple years ago,
Kevin Hart was gonna host the Oscars,
164
00:08:06,736 --> 00:08:09,447
but then he had a homophobic tweet
they found from ten years ago?
165
00:08:09,530 --> 00:08:11,741
It's like, "You think Kevin Hart
is a homophobe?
166
00:08:11,824 --> 00:08:14,035
Dude, his actions prove differently."
167
00:08:14,118 --> 00:08:16,496
He was the lead of the movie Jumanji.
168
00:08:16,579 --> 00:08:19,081
-[laughter]
-Do you know how gay you have to be?
169
00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:20,500
They asked me to be in the movie.
170
00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:24,545
I was like, "I don't guzzle come.
So I'm not gonna do it."
171
00:08:24,629 --> 00:08:26,589
[laughter]
172
00:08:29,091 --> 00:08:32,553
[chuckling]
It's like they go after anybody, you know?
173
00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:37,725
So this guy-- Ryan was his name.
And he doesn't know a thing about me.
174
00:08:37,808 --> 00:08:38,851
Just starts attacking.
175
00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:41,729
He was like, "I bet you've never even met
a Latina person, Chris.
176
00:08:41,812 --> 00:08:45,191
That's why the tweet's offensive.
I bet you don't know one Latina person.
177
00:08:45,274 --> 00:08:48,778
And that's what's sad.
Get out there and meet some Latinas."
178
00:08:48,861 --> 00:08:52,573
I was like, "You don't think I know one
Latina person? Really? That's interesting.
179
00:08:52,657 --> 00:08:55,868
Because my daughter's next to me
doing Zumba right now.
180
00:08:55,952 --> 00:08:58,579
Just juggling empanadas
for no reason, okay?
181
00:08:58,663 --> 00:08:59,956
This is my life, all right?
182
00:09:00,039 --> 00:09:03,125
The baby's first words
were 'Daddy Yankee.'
183
00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:05,545
So why don't you just shut up,
184
00:09:05,628 --> 00:09:08,381
stupid Ryan from stupid Idaho?"
185
00:09:09,173 --> 00:09:11,634
If you're watching this in Idaho,
please like and subscribe.
186
00:09:11,717 --> 00:09:14,220
-Um…
-[laughter]
187
00:09:14,303 --> 00:09:15,721
I totes preesh.
188
00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:17,848
But it also depends on your circumstances.
189
00:09:17,932 --> 00:09:21,519
I always ask people, "Listen,
I can't judge you. What were your circs?
190
00:09:21,602 --> 00:09:23,771
What were your circs
during the pandy wandy?"
191
00:09:23,854 --> 00:09:25,398
Because it depends.
192
00:09:25,481 --> 00:09:29,193
I wasn't afraid from day one
only because of how I was living. Okay?
193
00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:31,654
I mean, they shut
the whole world down March 2020.
194
00:09:31,737 --> 00:09:35,116
I was living in like
a 500-square-foot apartment in Brooklyn,
195
00:09:35,199 --> 00:09:36,492
three kids, two adults.
196
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:37,910
-Everybody hated me.
-[laughter]
197
00:09:37,994 --> 00:09:41,414
And, you know, bouncing off the walls,
getting yelled at.
198
00:09:41,497 --> 00:09:43,207
I wanted to leave immediately.
199
00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:47,420
I was like, "I wanna get out.
Let me breathe it in. I don't care."
200
00:09:47,503 --> 00:09:49,088
I wasn't scared.
201
00:09:49,171 --> 00:09:52,341
And then the world opened up again
a few months later. I started doing shows.
202
00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:54,885
I was one of the first comedians.
I got out there, doing shows.
203
00:09:54,969 --> 00:09:56,804
I didn't care.
"Take the masks-- I don't care."
204
00:09:56,887 --> 00:09:58,889
And people on Twitter start yelling at me.
205
00:09:58,973 --> 00:10:02,893
They were like, "You're gonna do shows,
Chris? It's too soon.
206
00:10:02,977 --> 00:10:05,354
What if-- What if you get COVID?
207
00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:08,399
It's possible that
you're gonna get COVID."
208
00:10:08,482 --> 00:10:10,735
I was like, "Good. I live in hell.
209
00:10:10,818 --> 00:10:14,488
I couldn't care less about COVID, okay?
210
00:10:14,572 --> 00:10:18,159
Two weeks on a ventilator,
that would be like going to Aruba for me.
211
00:10:18,242 --> 00:10:20,661
You understand?
It would be like a Sandals resort.
212
00:10:20,745 --> 00:10:24,081
You have to see my life right now. I don't
want to watch Wreck-It Ralph again.
213
00:10:24,165 --> 00:10:27,460
Put the ventilator in my mouth right now.
214
00:10:27,543 --> 00:10:29,503
Just shove it down my throat.
I'll try not to come.
215
00:10:29,587 --> 00:10:31,631
I don't know
what you want me to tell you."
216
00:10:32,381 --> 00:10:35,009
Now it's a fun part of the pandy wandy.
217
00:10:35,092 --> 00:10:38,262
We've reached the fun--
That's what I call it, "the pandy wandy."
218
00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:41,557
I had to make it--
Listen, everybody had different reasons.
219
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:44,560
I had to call it "the pandy wandy."
I wasn't gonna call it "the pandemic."
220
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,270
My daughter's terrified.
221
00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:49,190
Everybody was calling it "the pandemic,"
the newscasters, her teachers.
222
00:10:49,273 --> 00:10:51,651
She's like, "That scares me: pandemic."
223
00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:53,986
I'm like, "What, the pandemic?
I don't know what that is.
224
00:10:54,070 --> 00:10:57,865
I know what the pandy wandy is, and that
ain't shit, babe. The pand-- Who--"
225
00:10:57,948 --> 00:10:59,492
She's like, "'Pandy wandy' sounds fun."
226
00:10:59,575 --> 00:11:02,536
I'm like, "Yeah, 'cause it is fun.
'Pandy wandy'."
227
00:11:02,620 --> 00:11:04,372
She's like, "Yeah, that's fun, Dad."
228
00:11:04,455 --> 00:11:07,792
I'm like, "Exactly, babe."
'Pandy wandy,' we stay neutral.
229
00:11:07,875 --> 00:11:10,753
And she's like,
"'Pandy' sounds like 'pandas'."
230
00:11:10,836 --> 00:11:13,964
I was like, "I didn't even think of that,
bubs. It does sound like 'pandas'."
231
00:11:14,048 --> 00:11:16,676
She's like, "Where are pandas from?"
I was like, "China."
232
00:11:16,759 --> 00:11:18,761
[laughter]
233
00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:26,060
'Cause I have friends that have--
Some of my friends, their IQs are like--
234
00:11:26,143 --> 00:11:27,937
I have a friend,
I think his IQ is below zero.
235
00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:30,564
-[laughter]
-I think he'd go negative.
236
00:11:30,648 --> 00:11:34,276
He would talk to me about health care for
the last two years, all day, every day.
237
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:37,613
This is this thing that we as a country,
everybody started to do this.
238
00:11:37,696 --> 00:11:41,992
You know, we'd listen to half a podcast
on mushrooms, a couple Twitter threads,
239
00:11:42,076 --> 00:11:45,204
and then go, "Oh, yeah.
I went to nine years of medical school."
240
00:11:45,287 --> 00:11:48,707
Always unwarranted.
I never asked this guy anything.
241
00:11:48,791 --> 00:11:50,709
I never asked him one question
about health care.
242
00:11:50,793 --> 00:11:53,254
He doesn't even work remotely
in the health care field.
243
00:11:53,337 --> 00:11:56,465
Every time you talked to him, he had
a new thing that he needed to tell you.
244
00:11:57,133 --> 00:11:59,927
Like I remember when everyone
was getting the vaccine,
245
00:12:00,010 --> 00:12:02,680
he's like, "You need to be careful
with the vaccine, okay?
246
00:12:02,763 --> 00:12:05,266
'Cause it is not FDA approved,
no matter what the news says.
247
00:12:05,349 --> 00:12:07,184
They're lying. It's not FDA approved.
248
00:12:07,268 --> 00:12:11,230
It is causing myocarditis,
which is inflammation of the heart, okay?
249
00:12:11,313 --> 00:12:13,190
It is also causing encephalopathy,
250
00:12:13,274 --> 00:12:16,235
which is inflammation
of the encephalepathon.
251
00:12:16,318 --> 00:12:19,822
And Dr. Fauci and Hillary Clinton
are war criminals,
252
00:12:19,905 --> 00:12:23,159
and they're running a pedophile ring
out of a pizzeria in Washington, DC."
253
00:12:23,242 --> 00:12:25,744
-[laughter]
-I was like, "Dude, you work for FedEx,
254
00:12:25,828 --> 00:12:30,166
so you're an expert in packaging.
255
00:12:30,249 --> 00:12:34,128
Where's my tracking number link,
you idiot?
256
00:12:34,211 --> 00:12:38,048
I don't want to talk to you
about health care ever again."
257
00:12:39,008 --> 00:12:41,635
Because you know what happens then
if everyone starts--
258
00:12:41,719 --> 00:12:44,180
we all think we know everything
because of this,
259
00:12:44,263 --> 00:12:46,307
then it puts pressure on real doctors,
260
00:12:46,390 --> 00:12:50,519
then actual, for-real doctors
don't really know what to say or do
261
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:52,855
because they just get yelled at
by the patients all day,
262
00:12:52,938 --> 00:12:55,232
because the patient thinks
they have more info.
263
00:12:55,316 --> 00:12:59,111
Is there an actual doctor here?
Is somebody like a for-real doctor?
264
00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:02,281
Are you? Is anybody a doctor?
265
00:13:02,364 --> 00:13:04,408
No? I have a smart crowd.
266
00:13:04,492 --> 00:13:06,785
Way to go. This is great.
267
00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:07,912
Are you a doctor?
268
00:13:07,995 --> 00:13:11,248
-Oh, the Indian guy. Perfect. Way to go.
-[laughter, applause]
269
00:13:11,332 --> 00:13:14,168
The one person who's not white
and Indian in here is a doctor.
270
00:13:14,251 --> 00:13:15,377
Are you a doctor?
271
00:13:15,461 --> 00:13:16,837
-Yeah.
-What kind of doctor?
272
00:13:16,921 --> 00:13:18,214
Just internal medicine.
273
00:13:18,297 --> 00:13:20,716
Internal medicine.
Okay, so finally a real doctor.
274
00:13:20,799 --> 00:13:23,344
How funny is that,
that you're an Indian guy?
275
00:13:23,427 --> 00:13:25,596
-What's your name?
-Ranjeev.
276
00:13:25,679 --> 00:13:26,764
-Ranjeev.
-Yeah.
277
00:13:26,847 --> 00:13:29,016
I like that you went fucking "Ranjeev."
278
00:13:29,099 --> 00:13:31,936
I like that, because somebody
would have said, "Randy."
279
00:13:32,019 --> 00:13:34,230
Then I would've said,
"No, I want the full Indian."
280
00:13:34,313 --> 00:13:35,940
Ranjeev. I fucking like--
281
00:13:36,023 --> 00:13:38,692
-R-A-N-J-E-E-V.
-Very good!
282
00:13:38,776 --> 00:13:41,654
There it is. You kidding me?
You know how much Indian porn I watch?
283
00:13:41,737 --> 00:13:43,864
I love it. You kidding me?
284
00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:46,325
They call me "Chrissy Calcutta."
That's what I do.
285
00:13:46,408 --> 00:13:48,244
[laughter]
286
00:13:48,327 --> 00:13:49,787
Ranjeev, you--
287
00:13:49,870 --> 00:13:53,332
Because real doctors,
they get yelled at by idiots like us.
288
00:13:53,415 --> 00:13:54,750
We're not real, you know?
289
00:13:54,833 --> 00:13:59,713
My daughter's pediatrician,
this guy, he's so nervous all the time
290
00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:02,508
because he must
just get screamed at by people.
291
00:14:02,591 --> 00:14:04,552
I brought her
to the pediatrician the other day.
292
00:14:04,635 --> 00:14:07,471
He went, "So what do you wanna do today,
Dad? Today's totally your call.
293
00:14:07,555 --> 00:14:09,932
Let's have a conversation
about your daughter's health.
294
00:14:10,015 --> 00:14:12,977
I'm looking at her chart.
She does need some updated vaccines--
295
00:14:13,060 --> 00:14:16,105
Not that vaccine, Dad!
Don't get scared. Not that one, okay?
296
00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:18,524
But she does need
some vaccines to get into school.
297
00:14:18,607 --> 00:14:19,775
So what do you wanna do?
298
00:14:19,858 --> 00:14:22,444
You want me to leave the syringes
and you can inject her?
299
00:14:22,528 --> 00:14:25,155
Whatever you want to do, Dad.
Let's have a conversation."
300
00:14:25,239 --> 00:14:28,617
I was like, "Why are you even talking
to me? I don't know what to do.
301
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:31,537
You're the doctor. I'm the dad, all right?
302
00:14:31,620 --> 00:14:34,498
I'm here to hold her down
and you light her up
303
00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:38,335
with mumps, rubella, polio.
304
00:14:38,419 --> 00:14:40,713
Anything that used to kill a pirate,
305
00:14:40,796 --> 00:14:42,965
I would like
in my daughter's immune system.
306
00:14:43,048 --> 00:14:45,676
Yeah. Put on Pirates of the Caribbean.
Let's do that.
307
00:14:45,759 --> 00:14:49,471
What did they die of?
Yeah, light her up. It'd be perfect."
308
00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:51,724
But at least we can laugh again.
That's nice.
309
00:14:51,807 --> 00:14:54,643
I'm happy that at least
we've gotten to a point now
310
00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:56,854
where we can start laughing again.
311
00:14:56,937 --> 00:14:58,814
'Cause for a while there,
it was getting dicey.
312
00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:01,442
I mean, everybody--
You could not do comedy.
313
00:15:01,525 --> 00:15:05,070
Like, I would never in a million years
start comedy today.
314
00:15:05,154 --> 00:15:08,949
I have no choice. I'm ten years into it.
I just have to come up here every night
315
00:15:09,033 --> 00:15:12,036
with a suitcase full of anxiety
and depression and just figure it out.
316
00:15:12,119 --> 00:15:15,247
'Cause the bottom line is nobody in
my family wants to work. That's the truth.
317
00:15:15,331 --> 00:15:17,416
-[laughter]
-So anytime you see me adding a show,
318
00:15:17,499 --> 00:15:20,586
it's because she wanted to put
an extension on the living room.
319
00:15:20,669 --> 00:15:22,963
I'm like, "What are we doing here?"
You know?
320
00:15:23,047 --> 00:15:25,716
She's like, "I'm a spin instructor."
I'm like, "That's great."
321
00:15:25,799 --> 00:15:28,802
-[laughter]
-"That's so great. I support you!
322
00:15:28,886 --> 00:15:31,472
But you better start pedaling that bike
a little faster,
323
00:15:31,555 --> 00:15:33,515
and it better start shitting out Bitcoin,
324
00:15:33,599 --> 00:15:35,851
because we're behind on the mortgage!
325
00:15:36,644 --> 00:15:40,648
I'm doing shows in Des Moines next week.
Des Moines, sweetie."
326
00:15:41,690 --> 00:15:43,651
It's the capital of Iowa.
I know every capital.
327
00:15:43,734 --> 00:15:45,986
-Um… [chuckles]
-[laughter]
328
00:15:47,196 --> 00:15:50,074
You know? I was at a point
where I just had to take work.
329
00:15:50,157 --> 00:15:51,825
I didn't want to do it.
I had to take work.
330
00:15:51,909 --> 00:15:55,245
And I was getting fired.
Even I got fired from a job.
331
00:15:55,329 --> 00:15:56,997
I never got fired from anything
in my life.
332
00:15:57,081 --> 00:16:01,043
I hosted a show for Netflix.
It was called the Ultimate Beastmaster.
333
00:16:01,126 --> 00:16:04,088
I mean, what a piece of shit show
this show was.
334
00:16:04,171 --> 00:16:07,132
But I had no choice, okay?
I had no choice. I needed the money.
335
00:16:07,216 --> 00:16:10,803
So I was like, "I gotta do this."
And I cohosted the show with Tiki Barber.
336
00:16:10,886 --> 00:16:12,972
He was an old NFL running back, this guy.
337
00:16:13,055 --> 00:16:15,099
Tiki Barber,
borderline hall of fame player.
338
00:16:15,182 --> 00:16:19,019
I was like, "That's interesting. Why
is Tiki Barber cohosting a show with me?"
339
00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:20,604
[chuckles] And then I found out
340
00:16:20,688 --> 00:16:23,857
he was going through a divorce
and he has six kids.
341
00:16:23,941 --> 00:16:26,944
I was like, "Oh, he also needs the money.
That's what's happened.
342
00:16:27,027 --> 00:16:29,780
The state of New Jersey
is crushing this guy."
343
00:16:29,863 --> 00:16:33,242
And when Netflix hired me,
they hired me to do jokes.
344
00:16:33,325 --> 00:16:35,744
They were like, "You're gonna be
the color commentary guy.
345
00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:38,789
Tiki's gonna do the X's and O's.
346
00:16:38,872 --> 00:16:41,500
You're gonna be the fun guy,
color commentary. Be silly."
347
00:16:41,583 --> 00:16:44,420
I was like, "Great."
So they hire me to do jokes, I do jokes,
348
00:16:44,503 --> 00:16:46,380
then I get fired for doing jokes.
349
00:16:46,463 --> 00:16:48,340
Because what they told me was,
350
00:16:48,424 --> 00:16:52,344
"Look, it's an international competition.
You're the host of Team USA.
351
00:16:52,428 --> 00:16:55,681
So what we need you to do
is make fun of every other country,
352
00:16:55,764 --> 00:16:58,475
just shit on them
for everything they've ever stood for.
353
00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:02,062
And when that camera is on you,
you be pro-America.
354
00:17:02,146 --> 00:17:06,650
So, say how much the other countries suck
and how much you love America.
355
00:17:06,734 --> 00:17:07,735
It'll be good."
356
00:17:07,818 --> 00:17:11,155
I'm like, "Okay, this will be fine
and have no repercussions.
357
00:17:11,238 --> 00:17:14,700
This is exactly what America
wants to see right now,
358
00:17:14,783 --> 00:17:19,288
is just Chrissy Capitol Face yelling
'build the wall' at the Mexican team.
359
00:17:19,371 --> 00:17:22,791
-This should be perf McGerf."
-[laughter]
360
00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:27,046
So, I do the show,
and I get fired for jokes.
361
00:17:27,129 --> 00:17:30,132
Like, Team India actually had a team.
Team India had a team.
362
00:17:30,215 --> 00:17:32,801
And one of their competitors,
his name was Rishi Patel--
363
00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:34,678
Tell me if this is a problem, Ranjeev.
364
00:17:34,762 --> 00:17:37,806
His name was Rishi Patel. I was
calling him Rishi's Peanut Butter Cups.
365
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:38,891
[laughter]
366
00:17:38,974 --> 00:17:41,560
You have an issue with that?
Not at all, right?
367
00:17:41,643 --> 00:17:46,106
Dude, it's fucking… I'm telling you, dude.
368
00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:47,858
See? Because other people did.
369
00:17:47,941 --> 00:17:50,527
We should have a show.
We should do a thing called Ask Ranjeev.
370
00:17:50,611 --> 00:17:53,489
Remember Ask Jeeves? Ask Ranjeev.
You wanna do that?
371
00:17:53,572 --> 00:17:56,617
Me and you are gonna do that. Ask Ranjeev.
My agency are marking it down.
372
00:17:56,700 --> 00:17:59,912
Ask Ranjeev. It's taking me to stardom.
Ask Ranjeev.
373
00:17:59,995 --> 00:18:02,289
[laughter]
374
00:18:02,372 --> 00:18:05,375
Rishi Patel, problem with it.
I was like, "Okay."
375
00:18:05,459 --> 00:18:07,086
But the one I got fired for was…
376
00:18:07,169 --> 00:18:09,213
When you fell off the obstacle course
377
00:18:09,296 --> 00:18:11,465
and you got eliminated
and fell into the water,
378
00:18:11,548 --> 00:18:13,550
they called that water the Beast's Blood.
379
00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:16,428
I had to keep saying that.
"The Beast's Blood. The Beast's Blood."
380
00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:18,013
And then one day I showed up to work,
381
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:20,474
and I was like, "I'm not calling it
the Beast's Blood today.
382
00:18:20,557 --> 00:18:21,934
I'm not. I'm not gonna do it.
383
00:18:22,017 --> 00:18:24,770
I've been here three weeks.
I'm sick and tired."
384
00:18:24,853 --> 00:18:26,814
-I was drunk on set.
-[laughter]
385
00:18:26,897 --> 00:18:29,441
I'd been drinking Bud Light Seltzers,
doing Flonase.
386
00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:32,611
I said, "I'm not calling it
the Beast's Blood."
387
00:18:32,694 --> 00:18:35,280
And I said--
I had a little Netflix producer in my ear.
388
00:18:35,364 --> 00:18:38,325
I said, "Listen,
I'm gonna call it something else.
389
00:18:38,408 --> 00:18:41,703
Not calling it the Beast's Blood, so just
wanted to make sure I have your permish."
390
00:18:41,787 --> 00:18:43,831
He goes, "Absolutely.
We love you here at Netflix.
391
00:18:43,914 --> 00:18:46,500
You've been doing great, Chris.
You've been doing so good."
392
00:18:46,583 --> 00:18:48,919
-[laughter]
-I was like, "Okay!"
393
00:18:49,002 --> 00:18:51,839
So Team China was stepping up.
394
00:18:51,922 --> 00:18:54,049
They were unbelievable, Ranjeev.
395
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:57,469
I mean, they were so good. No,
you don't understand how good they were.
396
00:18:57,553 --> 00:18:58,971
They were fantastic.
397
00:18:59,054 --> 00:19:01,390
And their best competitor's name
was Bin Fang.
398
00:19:01,473 --> 00:19:03,976
He was stepping up
onto the obstacle course.
399
00:19:04,059 --> 00:19:05,602
Nobody thought he was gonna fall.
400
00:19:05,686 --> 00:19:08,981
But on the off chance he did fall,
I was like, "I got a good one in my head."
401
00:19:09,064 --> 00:19:11,483
It's almost like Jesus placed the joke
in my head
402
00:19:11,567 --> 00:19:14,111
as soon as the board said Team China.
I was like, "Thank you."
403
00:19:14,194 --> 00:19:17,239
Bang. He just put it right in there.
It was like, "Boom!"
404
00:19:17,322 --> 00:19:20,701
So, I told Tiki.
I said, "Tiki, listen to me.
405
00:19:20,784 --> 00:19:24,121
If this kid falls, don't say anything.
I got a good one."
406
00:19:24,204 --> 00:19:25,747
[laughter]
407
00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:28,375
And Tiki was just looking
blankly straight ahead,
408
00:19:28,458 --> 00:19:29,835
just staring off into space.
409
00:19:29,918 --> 00:19:31,920
I was like, "Dude, are you okay?"
410
00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:33,881
He was like,
"I should have never got married."
411
00:19:33,964 --> 00:19:35,424
[laughter]
412
00:19:35,507 --> 00:19:38,552
I was like, "Yeah, dummy!
What are you doing?
413
00:19:38,635 --> 00:19:40,804
Of course. I could have told you that."
414
00:19:41,638 --> 00:19:45,309
So Bin Fang steps up and he's flying
through the obstacle course.
415
00:19:45,392 --> 00:19:47,352
He's doing good.
I'm like, "He's not gonna fall.
416
00:19:47,436 --> 00:19:51,023
I had the perfect joke if he would've
fallen, but shit, he's not gonna fall."
417
00:19:51,106 --> 00:19:53,025
But he's in the middle
of the obstacle course,
418
00:19:53,108 --> 00:19:55,277
and it starts to rain out of nowhere.
419
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:57,988
It's almost like Jesus himself
started to make it rain
420
00:19:58,071 --> 00:20:00,115
like Salt Bae, just…
421
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:01,491
He just starts making it rain,
422
00:20:01,575 --> 00:20:03,744
because he wanted to hear the joke
he put in my head.
423
00:20:03,827 --> 00:20:06,622
So, I'm like,
"Oh, my God. This might happen."
424
00:20:06,705 --> 00:20:10,500
And Bin Fang knows it's raining but he's
gotta get to the other side of the course.
425
00:20:10,584 --> 00:20:12,294
But if he falls, he falls. He's out.
426
00:20:12,377 --> 00:20:14,588
So he's trying to go fast,
427
00:20:14,671 --> 00:20:18,133
but the rain's picking up and the course
is getting wetter and wetter,
428
00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:19,218
and so was I.
429
00:20:19,301 --> 00:20:22,512
Because I knew that this kid
is gonna fall,
430
00:20:22,596 --> 00:20:25,933
and then I'm gonna unleash the joke,
and that's exactly what happened.
431
00:20:26,016 --> 00:20:28,977
He just fell,
and I let him splash and hit that water.
432
00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:30,687
And I took a moment in my head.
433
00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:33,941
I even asked the Netflix producer
one more time.
434
00:20:34,024 --> 00:20:37,194
I said, "Am I clear to improv a name
for the Beast's Blood?"
435
00:20:37,277 --> 00:20:39,488
-He was like, "Absolutely!"
-[laughter]
436
00:20:39,571 --> 00:20:43,492
I was like, "Okay. There goes Bin Fang
into the duck sauce."
437
00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:52,376
The producer, he was like, "Oh, no! Cut!
438
00:20:53,210 --> 00:20:54,336
Cut!"
439
00:20:54,419 --> 00:20:58,173
I was like, "God, thank you. Thank you."
440
00:20:59,633 --> 00:21:03,220
Fired. Immediately, on the spot, fired.
441
00:21:03,303 --> 00:21:05,722
And you know what
the hypocritical bullshit is?
442
00:21:06,765 --> 00:21:12,312
Bin Fang retweeted the clip of me saying,
"There goes Bin Fang into the duck sauce."
443
00:21:12,396 --> 00:21:15,816
-Okay? Binny, absolutely loved it.
-[cheering]
444
00:21:15,899 --> 00:21:17,526
[laughter]
445
00:21:17,609 --> 00:21:20,779
Yeah. He did. He loved it.
446
00:21:21,488 --> 00:21:25,409
I got fired by some fat white woman
named Barbara…
447
00:21:25,492 --> 00:21:26,493
[laughter]
448
00:21:26,576 --> 00:21:29,746
…who definitely sent the email
with duck sauce on her fingertips.
449
00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:32,291
I know she did.
Because she's fat, fat, fat.
450
00:21:32,374 --> 00:21:35,085
She was all, "You're fired."
451
00:21:37,254 --> 00:21:39,464
It's usually white people.
That's the thing.
452
00:21:39,548 --> 00:21:41,049
You know, the Cleveland Indians
453
00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:43,677
had to change the name
of their baseball team a couple years ago.
454
00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:45,304
What, you think that was Indian people?
455
00:21:45,387 --> 00:21:48,390
Native American people don't care.
They don't watch baseball.
456
00:21:48,473 --> 00:21:51,393
That was white women being like,
"We have to do something.
457
00:21:51,476 --> 00:21:55,147
It is not okay that they are saying
'Indians.' It is just not okay."
458
00:21:55,230 --> 00:21:58,608
And it's like, we just missed the point
as whites. Who cares about the name?
459
00:21:58,692 --> 00:22:00,360
Ask any Native American person you know,
460
00:22:00,444 --> 00:22:02,654
"Hey, what do you think of the name
the Cleveland Indians?"
461
00:22:02,738 --> 00:22:05,115
They'd be like, "You know what?
Why don't you keep the name,
462
00:22:05,198 --> 00:22:06,950
just give us back our land, okay?
463
00:22:07,034 --> 00:22:09,703
Yeah, it's not really
about baseball, Susan.
464
00:22:09,786 --> 00:22:13,373
It's just you built the stadium
on my grandmother's wigwam!
465
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:17,711
Second base used to be a longhouse."
466
00:22:18,670 --> 00:22:21,131
Any white guys out there
who are dating Latina women?
467
00:22:21,214 --> 00:22:23,800
-[whooping]
-Any? Are you? Is she Latina?
468
00:22:23,884 --> 00:22:26,094
Nice. Come to the meetings,
Tuesdays and Thursdays.
469
00:22:27,054 --> 00:22:28,555
We talk about how to stay alive--
470
00:22:28,638 --> 00:22:31,266
It's crazy. Look at this fucking--
I mean-- Dude, I don't know.
471
00:22:31,349 --> 00:22:34,227
I like that chain, man.
How expensive is your chain?
472
00:22:35,395 --> 00:22:39,107
My-- No, dude. I bought this
at the Staten Island Mall. Yeah.
473
00:22:39,191 --> 00:22:40,233
Kids?
474
00:22:41,151 --> 00:22:43,862
Two kids. Nice, dude.
You're not going nowhere.
475
00:22:43,945 --> 00:22:45,530
[laughter]
476
00:22:45,614 --> 00:22:49,534
Yeah. Listen, it's fun.
It's fun dating a Latina woman.
477
00:22:49,618 --> 00:22:50,702
You know, it's terrifying,
478
00:22:50,786 --> 00:22:52,829
but it's like a thrill ride,
you know what I mean,
479
00:22:52,913 --> 00:22:53,955
like at an amusement park.
480
00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:55,916
Every day of my life,
I'm like, "Buckle up."
481
00:22:55,999 --> 00:22:57,000
[laughter]
482
00:22:57,084 --> 00:23:00,879
'Cause you're just getting yelled at.
All the time, just getting yelled at.
483
00:23:00,962 --> 00:23:03,340
I remember one time
we were living in an apartment building.
484
00:23:03,423 --> 00:23:06,718
We lived on the 12th floor,
and she wanted to see my phone.
485
00:23:06,802 --> 00:23:08,762
And I was like,
"No. I'm not giving you my phone."
486
00:23:08,845 --> 00:23:10,680
She was like,
"Chris, let me see your phone."
487
00:23:10,764 --> 00:23:13,725
I was like, "No.
I'm not giving you my phone, okay?
488
00:23:13,809 --> 00:23:17,145
That's like an invasion of privacy.
This is borderline emotional abuse.
489
00:23:17,229 --> 00:23:20,774
I have a right to my own phone.
490
00:23:20,857 --> 00:23:21,775
You can't look at it."
491
00:23:21,858 --> 00:23:24,945
She was like, "Give me your phone."
I was like, "No!"
492
00:23:25,028 --> 00:23:29,533
And then she kicked our air conditioner
out the window on the 12th floor.
493
00:23:29,616 --> 00:23:31,409
I was like, "Ay, dios mío!"
494
00:23:32,828 --> 00:23:34,496
I was like,
"You could've killed somebody."
495
00:23:34,579 --> 00:23:36,456
She was like,
"Probably that bitch you texted."
496
00:23:36,540 --> 00:23:37,916
-[laughter]
-[person] Oh!
497
00:23:37,999 --> 00:23:39,668
I was like, "Is she down there?"
498
00:23:39,751 --> 00:23:41,586
[imitates sobbing]
499
00:23:45,173 --> 00:23:49,970
Even my daughter, my oldest daughter,
I mean, no, she's like her mom.
500
00:23:50,053 --> 00:23:56,309
She has the same attitude as her mom,
and it's like genuinely terrifying.
501
00:23:56,393 --> 00:23:58,562
-[laughter]
-Because she's, you know…
502
00:23:58,645 --> 00:23:59,938
All I want to do is please her.
503
00:24:00,021 --> 00:24:02,107
I love my kids so much.
They're my whole life.
504
00:24:02,190 --> 00:24:04,651
All I want to do is make her happy,
and she's always mad at me.
505
00:24:04,734 --> 00:24:07,320
She's just constantly--
We were driving the other day.
506
00:24:07,404 --> 00:24:09,406
It was a beautiful day.
She was in the back seat.
507
00:24:09,489 --> 00:24:12,576
The window was down.
She was like, "Daddy, um, hello?
508
00:24:13,577 --> 00:24:14,786
I'm cold."
509
00:24:14,870 --> 00:24:18,206
So I was like,
"I'm sorry, honey. I apologize."
510
00:24:20,292 --> 00:24:23,795
So I put the window up.
She was like, "Now, I'm hot."
511
00:24:23,879 --> 00:24:26,298
[laughter]
512
00:24:26,381 --> 00:24:28,508
So I put the window back down.
513
00:24:28,592 --> 00:24:31,511
She was like, "I just told you
that makes me cold."
514
00:24:31,595 --> 00:24:33,305
I was like, "What do you want me to do?"
515
00:24:33,388 --> 00:24:34,681
She was like, "Figure it out.
516
00:24:34,764 --> 00:24:36,892
That's what I want you to do.
Figure it out."
517
00:24:36,975 --> 00:24:38,727
She was doing that thing
like her mom does,
518
00:24:38,810 --> 00:24:40,979
where she opens and closes her hand.
519
00:24:41,062 --> 00:24:43,857
-[laughter]
-Latina women do that. They're like…
520
00:24:43,940 --> 00:24:46,234
I feel like they're catching your words,
you know?
521
00:24:46,318 --> 00:24:47,319
[laughter]
522
00:24:47,402 --> 00:24:49,613
So when you try to lie ten years from now,
they're like,
523
00:24:49,696 --> 00:24:52,532
"That's not what you really said,
'cause I caught your fucking words,
524
00:24:52,616 --> 00:24:54,826
-so you're lying."
-[laughter]
525
00:24:58,622 --> 00:25:01,291
[chuckles] She's funny, my kid.
526
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:04,836
She asked me the other day,
"Daddy, am I white or am I Latina?"
527
00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:06,796
I said, "It depends on the sitch,
528
00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:10,592
so you could play it both ways, baby.
529
00:25:10,675 --> 00:25:13,595
Give me the scenario.
What are we talking about?
530
00:25:13,678 --> 00:25:16,056
College interview?
Oh, you're Latina, baby.
531
00:25:16,139 --> 00:25:19,434
Diversity, yes! Bring it in, sister!
532
00:25:19,517 --> 00:25:22,145
I am diverse! Give me a scholarship!
533
00:25:22,229 --> 00:25:23,897
Job interview? White!"
534
00:25:23,980 --> 00:25:25,607
Um…
535
00:25:25,690 --> 00:25:27,567
"White!" Here's the truth about me.
536
00:25:27,651 --> 00:25:30,695
Listen, I don't think I'm gay. Okay?
537
00:25:30,779 --> 00:25:35,116
I would say-- Let's say 90% sure--
Let's say 85.
538
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:37,661
-[laughter]
-85% sure--
539
00:25:37,744 --> 00:25:40,622
we'll go low 80s-- not gay.
540
00:25:41,373 --> 00:25:44,209
But I grew up in a neighborhood
where, you know--
541
00:25:44,292 --> 00:25:47,796
My mother's a very intelligent woman.
She was all about education.
542
00:25:47,879 --> 00:25:50,548
So I learned stuff. I was into learning.
543
00:25:50,632 --> 00:25:52,884
And that was gay
in the neighborhood I grew up in.
544
00:25:52,968 --> 00:25:55,220
Like, "What, are you going
to school and learning stuff?"
545
00:25:55,303 --> 00:25:56,429
It's like… Ugh.
546
00:25:56,513 --> 00:25:59,057
Yeah. Like I know every state capital.
547
00:25:59,140 --> 00:26:02,560
I was gonna tell Antonio Parisi that?
That I know every state capital?
548
00:26:02,644 --> 00:26:05,605
He'd be like, "I bet you do."
And then shove his cock right in my mouth.
549
00:26:05,689 --> 00:26:07,524
[gags] "Albany!"
550
00:26:07,607 --> 00:26:09,859
[laughter]
551
00:26:09,943 --> 00:26:12,570
"Montpelier, Vermont.
A lot of people don't know that one." Ugh.
552
00:26:16,574 --> 00:26:18,952
But, you know, the truth is
553
00:26:19,035 --> 00:26:23,957
I can't really take a good look inside
to see if there's any gay floating around
554
00:26:24,040 --> 00:26:25,709
until my father dies.
555
00:26:25,792 --> 00:26:28,420
That's-- I got a father that is--
556
00:26:28,503 --> 00:26:31,047
Most of us have that father,
but I'm in my 30s.
557
00:26:31,131 --> 00:26:33,633
Guys over 70, that's what it is.
558
00:26:33,717 --> 00:26:35,844
Being gay was taboo back then,
559
00:26:35,927 --> 00:26:38,430
so either your father is just a homophobe
560
00:26:38,513 --> 00:26:40,807
or he secretly came out of the closet
to your mom.
561
00:26:40,890 --> 00:26:43,226
-It's one or the other, you know?
-[laughter]
562
00:26:43,310 --> 00:26:45,937
So my dad is like a gay--
563
00:26:46,021 --> 00:26:47,897
He just wouldn't be able to accept it,
564
00:26:47,981 --> 00:26:51,609
so I've never been able to take a look
inside to see if there's any gay floating.
565
00:26:51,693 --> 00:26:53,778
Subconsciously, I don't know.
There could be.
566
00:26:53,862 --> 00:26:56,031
I have to wait till he dies, you know?
567
00:26:56,114 --> 00:26:59,743
My mother could call me one day and
be like, "I have terrible news. Dad died."
568
00:26:59,826 --> 00:27:01,619
And I might be like, "Fucking yes!
569
00:27:01,703 --> 00:27:04,289
Let's talk about this carpet, bitch.
570
00:27:04,372 --> 00:27:06,458
I mean, what do you wanna do?"
571
00:27:06,541 --> 00:27:09,252
-[whooping]
-You know? But I don't know.
572
00:27:10,003 --> 00:27:13,548
Because everything's gay with him.
Everything. He has rules.
573
00:27:13,631 --> 00:27:15,884
Like, he thinks…
574
00:27:15,967 --> 00:27:19,012
And listen,
I get it from his point of view.
575
00:27:19,095 --> 00:27:21,973
Once he said it to me,
I was like, "I mean, I guess."
576
00:27:22,057 --> 00:27:24,684
He thinks if you're a guy
and you introduce yourself
577
00:27:24,768 --> 00:27:28,897
with your full, mother-given first name,
that means you're gay.
578
00:27:28,980 --> 00:27:30,857
-[laughter]
-He thinks only gay men do that.
579
00:27:30,940 --> 00:27:34,152
Straight men-- a shortened version
of a name or a nickname.
580
00:27:34,235 --> 00:27:37,405
But a gay man
would go with the full first.
581
00:27:37,489 --> 00:27:39,407
And, you know, it's wild,
582
00:27:39,491 --> 00:27:41,868
but like I've got
a friend named Steven. Okay?
583
00:27:41,951 --> 00:27:44,454
I don't know why he goes by Steven.
I never asked him.
584
00:27:44,537 --> 00:27:46,664
I never assumed anything either.
585
00:27:46,748 --> 00:27:49,000
And the first time
I introduced him to my father,
586
00:27:49,084 --> 00:27:51,044
I was like,
"Hey, Dad, this is my friend Steven."
587
00:27:51,127 --> 00:27:53,588
He was like, "Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
588
00:27:53,671 --> 00:27:56,049
Come on, Chris.
I don't even have a shirt on."
589
00:27:56,132 --> 00:27:59,135
-[laughter]
-I was like, "What? A shirt on?"
590
00:27:59,219 --> 00:28:01,513
He goes, "You know, it's 'Steven.' Relax."
591
00:28:01,596 --> 00:28:03,932
I was like, "Relax?
What are you talking about?"
592
00:28:04,015 --> 00:28:05,934
He goes, "What do you mean
what am I talking about?
593
00:28:06,017 --> 00:28:07,018
What's his name, stupid?"
594
00:28:07,102 --> 00:28:09,771
I was like, "Steven." He goes, "Exactly."
595
00:28:09,854 --> 00:28:11,564
I was like, "Exactly what?"
596
00:28:11,648 --> 00:28:14,818
And then he asks him. He goes,
"Is your name 'Steven' or is it 'Steve'?"
597
00:28:14,901 --> 00:28:16,444
He was like, "I go by 'Steven'."
598
00:28:16,528 --> 00:28:19,072
He was like, "This guy smokes cock. Okay.
599
00:28:19,989 --> 00:28:24,577
Listen, you smoke cock,
and we support you, okay?
600
00:28:24,661 --> 00:28:27,288
From now on, though,
we're gonna call you 'Stevie Blow Jobs.'
601
00:28:27,372 --> 00:28:31,334
That's your name from now on.
It's little Stevie Blow Jobs."
602
00:28:32,460 --> 00:28:37,215
It's this wild thing. It's this wild thing
that he has, a lot of older men have.
603
00:28:37,298 --> 00:28:39,134
But I still love him.
I love my pops, you know.
604
00:28:39,217 --> 00:28:42,470
He's the definition of a guy, my father,
who doesn't give a fuck.
605
00:28:42,554 --> 00:28:44,764
He just doesn't care at all.
606
00:28:44,848 --> 00:28:47,475
-[person] Tony!
-Yeah, Tony. Some people are like that.
607
00:28:47,559 --> 00:28:49,978
Tampa Tony. I don't know why
he is the way he is.
608
00:28:50,061 --> 00:28:53,565
But he just couldn't care less
about anything.
609
00:28:53,648 --> 00:28:55,650
And that's good. That's good, you know?
610
00:28:55,734 --> 00:28:59,195
I mean, I remember one time we saw--
611
00:28:59,279 --> 00:29:00,697
I was in a pizzeria with him,
612
00:29:00,780 --> 00:29:04,659
and I saw Steven Tyler,
you know, from Aerosmith.
613
00:29:04,743 --> 00:29:07,787
I saw him,
and everybody was like, "Oh. That's him."
614
00:29:07,871 --> 00:29:10,206
And my dad was like,
"I know who that guy is."
615
00:29:10,290 --> 00:29:12,375
I was like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Everybody does."
616
00:29:12,459 --> 00:29:15,420
He goes, "Yeah, that fucking guy.
I gotta say something to him."
617
00:29:15,503 --> 00:29:17,714
I was like,
"Dad, please don't say anything to him.
618
00:29:17,797 --> 00:29:19,174
Please don't say anything to him."
619
00:29:19,257 --> 00:29:21,092
He goes, "I gotta say
something to him, Chris.
620
00:29:21,176 --> 00:29:24,220
He's napkin-blotting the oil
off his pizza.
621
00:29:24,304 --> 00:29:28,725
So, that's a sin. He should get punched
in the face for that. He can't do it."
622
00:29:28,808 --> 00:29:31,186
I was like, "Dad, don't do it."
He goes, "I'm doing it."
623
00:29:31,269 --> 00:29:33,730
He walks up to him.
He goes, "Yo, Bon Jovi."
624
00:29:33,813 --> 00:29:36,065
[laughter]
625
00:29:36,149 --> 00:29:39,652
"Don't napkin-blot the oil
off your pizza, you loser."
626
00:29:40,653 --> 00:29:43,031
He was like, "I'm Steven Tyler."
He goes, "You suck."
627
00:29:43,114 --> 00:29:44,824
[laughter]
628
00:29:44,908 --> 00:29:47,452
And just walked away.
He goes, "Who's that fucking piano man?"
629
00:29:47,535 --> 00:29:48,870
I was like, "Fuck…"
630
00:29:50,246 --> 00:29:52,290
The thing about COVID,
631
00:29:52,373 --> 00:29:54,459
what's been good about COVID
for me personally,
632
00:29:54,542 --> 00:29:57,045
is that a lot of people
don't want to do things.
633
00:29:57,128 --> 00:29:59,756
A lot of people don't want to go out.
They don't want to do things.
634
00:29:59,839 --> 00:30:04,344
So I got to be on some lists
for different events and stuff.
635
00:30:04,427 --> 00:30:06,387
You do comedy in New York,
you get on these lists.
636
00:30:06,471 --> 00:30:09,891
But I was always very low on the lists.
But then I started moving up on the lists,
637
00:30:09,974 --> 00:30:12,101
because people don't want to go out,
people are dying.
638
00:30:12,185 --> 00:30:13,686
-So I just start moving up.
-[laughter]
639
00:30:13,770 --> 00:30:20,068
And so I got called to go sit courtside
at Madison Square Garden
640
00:30:20,151 --> 00:30:21,694
-for a New York Knicks game.
-[whooping]
641
00:30:21,778 --> 00:30:24,656
It was awesome. I was like,
"Whoa, I'm doing it!"
642
00:30:24,739 --> 00:30:28,451
So I brought my father.
Of course I brought my father.
643
00:30:28,535 --> 00:30:30,954
And they told me,
"Look, but here's the thing.
644
00:30:31,037 --> 00:30:33,206
Whoever you bring, and you yourself,
645
00:30:33,289 --> 00:30:35,917
you can't talk to anybody
and you've gotta dress really nice.
646
00:30:36,000 --> 00:30:37,168
Those are just the rules.
647
00:30:37,252 --> 00:30:39,796
Because MSG courtside,
there's A-list celebrities there
648
00:30:39,879 --> 00:30:41,256
so, you know, that's the rules."
649
00:30:41,339 --> 00:30:43,007
I was like, "Perfect. No problem."
650
00:30:43,091 --> 00:30:45,176
I call my dad. I'm like, "Dad, great news.
651
00:30:45,260 --> 00:30:48,137
Tomorrow night, me and you
are going to the game, courtside.
652
00:30:48,221 --> 00:30:51,140
But you can't talk to anybody
and you gotta dress really nice."
653
00:30:51,224 --> 00:30:52,851
He goes, "That's great, Chris. Thanks.
654
00:30:52,934 --> 00:30:57,021
First of all, I'll do whatever the fuck
I wanna do. Okay?"
655
00:30:57,689 --> 00:30:58,857
He goes,
656
00:30:59,566 --> 00:31:01,526
"So don't worry about it.
657
00:31:01,609 --> 00:31:04,153
I'll be there in a suit
with my New Balance sneakers on,
658
00:31:04,237 --> 00:31:06,573
because I got the diabetes,
so I can't wear my shoes."
659
00:31:06,656 --> 00:31:08,074
-[laughter]
-So I was like, "Okay."
660
00:31:08,157 --> 00:31:11,953
So we get there to the game,
and it is pretty cool. It's awesome.
661
00:31:12,036 --> 00:31:13,079
I'm like, "Wow."
662
00:31:13,162 --> 00:31:15,915
And my dad's walking around.
He talks to a ball boy.
663
00:31:15,999 --> 00:31:17,750
He goes, "Yo, get my son a basketball.
664
00:31:17,834 --> 00:31:20,253
Get him a signed basketball
from one of the players.
665
00:31:20,336 --> 00:31:23,590
Okay? And cotton candy.
Two cotton candies for my kid."
666
00:31:23,673 --> 00:31:26,301
I'm like, "You're making me feel
like a Make-A-Wish.
667
00:31:26,384 --> 00:31:30,972
I brought you here, Dad.
This is-- Just stop. Sit down."
668
00:31:31,055 --> 00:31:34,767
And he keeps stomping the court.
He kept doing it. Just stomped the court.
669
00:31:34,851 --> 00:31:38,438
He was like,
"My feet are on the hardwood, MSG, Chris."
670
00:31:38,521 --> 00:31:41,608
I was like, "Yeah, it's awesome."
I'm looking around, taking in the sights.
671
00:31:41,691 --> 00:31:44,235
Then I turn down.
He goes, "Take a picture of my foot."
672
00:31:44,319 --> 00:31:46,112
He had taken his shoe and sock off,
673
00:31:46,195 --> 00:31:50,158
and he had
his bare, disgusting, decrepit foot
674
00:31:50,241 --> 00:31:52,410
-on the court at MSG.
-[laughter]
675
00:31:52,493 --> 00:31:54,787
He goes, "I'm feeling my foot
on the floor."
676
00:31:54,871 --> 00:31:59,125
I was like, "You have no feeling
in your diabetic foot, so stop it."
677
00:31:59,208 --> 00:32:01,377
His toes look like Gollum
from Lord of the Rings.
678
00:32:01,461 --> 00:32:03,546
[imitating Gollum] "Precious."
679
00:32:03,630 --> 00:32:05,798
[normal] I was like,
"Put your shoe and sock on!"
680
00:32:05,882 --> 00:32:09,093
He was like, "All right!
My kid's gonna have a heart attack."
681
00:32:10,094 --> 00:32:13,473
And the game's going on. He was putting
his foot out to trip a player.
682
00:32:13,556 --> 00:32:16,351
He'd be like, "How great would that be?
Put it on TokTik."
683
00:32:16,434 --> 00:32:17,435
I was like…
684
00:32:17,518 --> 00:32:19,520
[laughter]
685
00:32:21,814 --> 00:32:26,277
So then, I hear my father
start running his mouth and talking.
686
00:32:26,361 --> 00:32:30,490
Because it was-- I was sitting here.
My father was in the middle.
687
00:32:30,573 --> 00:32:33,242
And then next to my father
was this really famous guy.
688
00:32:33,326 --> 00:32:35,411
I didn't even look at who it was
until the end.
689
00:32:35,495 --> 00:32:39,040
But it was this really famous guy.
And my dad's just running his mouth.
690
00:32:39,123 --> 00:32:44,087
My father is the epitome of a human being
who just doesn't give a shit at all.
691
00:32:44,170 --> 00:32:48,508
So my dad is talking to this man at
the Knicks game, this really famous man.
692
00:32:48,591 --> 00:32:51,219
And he's telling him all about me,
which is embarrassing.
693
00:32:51,302 --> 00:32:53,930
I'm like, "You don't have to
say anything, Dad. I don't care."
694
00:32:54,013 --> 00:32:56,099
He goes, "My son's a great comedian.
695
00:32:56,182 --> 00:32:58,351
You gotta get on his website,
chrisdcomedy.com.
696
00:32:58,434 --> 00:33:02,188
But he's probably sold out of clicks.
Sold all the clicks."
697
00:33:02,271 --> 00:33:05,274
I'm like, "It's not how
the Internet works, but whatever."
698
00:33:05,358 --> 00:33:07,485
-[laughter]
-He goes, "Yeah, those clicks."
699
00:33:07,568 --> 00:33:09,362
Then he goes-- and this is true--
700
00:33:09,445 --> 00:33:12,532
he goes, "He's got a gig next week
at Bananas Comedy Club."
701
00:33:12,615 --> 00:33:14,534
That's real, Bananas Comedy Club.
702
00:33:14,617 --> 00:33:17,578
It's a comedy club
inside a Holiday Inn Express
703
00:33:17,662 --> 00:33:20,999
off the side of the highway
in Hasbrouck Heights, New Jersey.
704
00:33:21,082 --> 00:33:23,501
They hang live bananas, real bananas
over your head
705
00:33:23,584 --> 00:33:25,586
that they got at a bodega
two hours before,
706
00:33:25,670 --> 00:33:27,630
in a hotel conference room,
I swear to God.
707
00:33:27,714 --> 00:33:30,633
I was really doing a show there.
And he's telling him, he goes,
708
00:33:30,717 --> 00:33:33,219
"And my kid's probably sold out, though.
He's probably sold out.
709
00:33:33,302 --> 00:33:35,805
So if you put 50 bucks
underneath my foot right now,
710
00:33:35,888 --> 00:33:38,516
maybe two tickets will pop up,
maybe they won't."
711
00:33:38,599 --> 00:33:40,560
-[laughter]
-He's just running his mouth,
712
00:33:40,643 --> 00:33:41,853
and I'm so embarrassed.
713
00:33:41,936 --> 00:33:45,273
I don't even want to look at who this is.
I just want this to end. Want this to end.
714
00:33:45,356 --> 00:33:49,110
And then with that,
the MSG staff came over
715
00:33:49,193 --> 00:33:52,155
to put the man my father was talking to
up on the jumbotron.
716
00:33:52,238 --> 00:33:55,575
-It was Phil Collins, okay?
-[laughter]
717
00:33:55,658 --> 00:33:58,995
Phil Collins,
a man who sold out the entire world,
718
00:33:59,078 --> 00:34:02,915
was being told to come see me
at Bananas Comedy Club
719
00:34:02,999 --> 00:34:07,837
inside a Holiday Inn Express
off the side of the highway in New Jersey.
720
00:34:07,920 --> 00:34:10,840
-[cheering]
-I go-- Yeah.
721
00:34:10,923 --> 00:34:14,260
I was like, "Dad.
Dad, that's Phil Collins."
722
00:34:14,343 --> 00:34:15,970
He was like, "Yeah, he's gay."
723
00:34:18,306 --> 00:34:20,266
I was like, "No, he's not."
724
00:34:20,349 --> 00:34:23,186
And then I watched my father
go to Phil Collins.
725
00:34:23,269 --> 00:34:25,229
He goes, "Phil, let me ask you a question.
726
00:34:25,313 --> 00:34:29,067
When you're at home with your family,
do you go by 'Phil' or 'Phillip'?"
727
00:34:29,150 --> 00:34:30,151
[laughter]
728
00:34:30,234 --> 00:34:31,944
And he was like,
"I usually go by Phillip."
729
00:34:32,028 --> 00:34:33,696
He was like, "This guy smokes cock.
730
00:34:33,780 --> 00:34:36,324
-100% this guy smokes cock."
-[laughter]
731
00:34:36,407 --> 00:34:37,909
Guys, thank you so much.
732
00:34:37,992 --> 00:34:39,744
[cheering]
733
00:34:39,827 --> 00:34:42,663
Plus, let me tell you something.
734
00:34:42,747 --> 00:34:44,916
I appreciate you guys coming.
735
00:34:44,999 --> 00:34:48,002
Because guess what?
Everybody said no to me.
736
00:34:48,086 --> 00:34:51,756
Netflix, HBO, Showtime,
they all said no, no, no, no, no.
737
00:34:51,839 --> 00:34:54,634
So I said,
"Fuck it, I'm doing it on YouTube."
738
00:34:54,717 --> 00:34:56,302
So thank you.
739
00:34:56,385 --> 00:35:00,181
I appreciate all the love and support
and everything you guys have given me.
740
00:35:00,264 --> 00:35:04,310
Thank you. Get up, Max,
you white piece of shit.
741
00:35:04,393 --> 00:35:06,771
Thank you, guys. Thank you. Thank you.
742
00:35:06,854 --> 00:35:09,524
Have a good night.
You'll see it on YouTube.
743
00:35:09,607 --> 00:35:12,693
Or if Netflix wants to buy it,
I'll sell it to you. Whatever you want.
744
00:35:12,777 --> 00:35:14,362
Thank you, guys. Good night.
745
00:35:15,613 --> 00:35:18,991
Yes! Good night, everybody. Thank you.