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[announcer] Get ready for the very first ever
Club Cumming Queer Comedy Extravaganza!
This is your host who needs no introduction,
Alan Cumming!
[cheers and applause]
Hello, New York City!
Welcome.
Welcome to Club Cumming Presents
a Queer Comedy Extravaganza.
[cheers and applause]
Yes, America, we are here.
We are queer.
You just have to fuckin' deal with it.
But the motto at Club Cumming is all ages,
all genders, all colors, all sexualities,
kindness is all, and anything could happen.
And it frequently does, let me tell you.
And so tonight, you're gonna see the cream
of the Club Cumming crop of queer comedy.
-[cheers and applause] -That's right.
That's why it's called the Queer Comedy Extravaganza.
Now, I would-I would thoroughly recommend
owning a bar.
It's-I really would.
It's such fun. Obviously, you know,
you get to go and you get to pour your own drinks.
That's great. But I've always wanted to be a bartender.
So I've kinda fetishized being a bartender.
And then I bought a bar so I could fulfil my fantasy.
The sad thing about fulfilling your fantasies
sometimes is that you realize you're not very good at it.
But I do love it. I love the sloshing.
I love the ice. I love the thing.
It's called a gun, but we don't have, like, guns here.
But it's called a gun,
and it's got little letters on it, you know,
for corresponding the things that come out of the hole.
And, like, so there's C. That means Coca-Cola.
There's O. That means orange.
There's a thing that actually says soda,
so that's pretty easy; that's soda water.
But also, there's another thing, another C.
And, like, basically, what I'm saying
is that sometimes when I bartend,
I'm pretty loaded myself, right?
And also, if I don't have my glasses.
So I get confused.
And sometimes I get confused between the Coca-Cola
and the other C, which is for cranberry.
But I have now invented a new drink
that is sweeping Downtown New York.
It's a Jack and cranberry.
Talking of my failing eyesight
brings me to the point of the evening
where I discuss my age.
I'm 57 years old.
I know it's hard to believe. I know. I know.
No, please don't clap yet.
Yeah, it's kinda fuckin' nuts.
My next big birthday is 60. Can you imagine?
Isn't that nuts? Anyway,
but that's the great thing about being at Club Cumming
'cause it's ageless.
It's ageless there.
And actually, everybody of all ages comes.
There was even a lady who was 95 years old.
And she wanted to spend her 95th birthday party
at Club Cumming.
Isn't that cute? I know.
But the thing is, we're all aging.
It's something we all share.
Life is but a slow march towards death.
And I am--it's true.
I am literally decaying in front of you right now.
And there's never anywhere that I feel my age
more than my dermatologist's office.
I go there quite a lot because, as you can see,
I'm quite pale. I'm Scottish.
My fellow countryman Billy Connolly once said
that Scottish people, our natural skin tone is blue.
So one time, I was about to go to see him.
And I was in the shower,
having a little mole map check myself.
And I was also checking downstairs.
And I found these two sort of little red pimple things
on one of my testicles.
It was-I was quite alarmed.
It's sort of as though someone had taken a red sharpie
and gone boop-boop on one of my balls.
So I went to the dermatologist.
I was kind of alarmed.
And I said, "Look at--what's that?"
And he went, "Alan, Alan, that's nothing to worry about.
That's just a normal part of scrotal aging."
And when I picked myself off the floor,
I realized that inadvertently,
I'd been thinking about scrotal aging for some time.
Inadvertently because I didn't know it was a thing, right?
But about 20 years ago,
I made this film in Rome with Jessica Lange.
And, you know, when you're on a film set,
you laugh and joke between takes.
You talk about stuff and you get a bit bawdy.
And she was talking about the way
her boobs were getting a bit saggy.
I said, "Well, my balls have gone south,
let me tell you," and she said,
"I wonder if there's such a thing as a ball tuck."
I said, "There should be, Jessica Lange.
There should be."
Anyway, then a couple of years after that,
I was in Budapest, making another film.
And on my day off, I went to the Gellert Baths.
And I was standing in line like this,
just loving everything and naked.
And next to me, I looked around and there was this man.
And he admittedly was an elderly gentleman.
But I will never unsee this.
His balls were at his knees.
His actual balls were at his knees.
And it was a gamechanger for me
because at the time, I was in my early 30s.
I wasn't wearing any underwear.
I thought, "Let everything swing around.
You know, let them clack away.
Let the air get up amongst them."
You have never seen anyone buy a jockstrap faster.
And I wear a jockstrap to this day.
Anyway...I'll show ya later.
No, no, no, that was a bad thing to say.
Anyway, back to the film with Jessica Lange.
There was another day when we were filming a naked scene,
a sex scene, a sort of post-coital scene.
And we're naked, and I'm lying on top of her like this.
I've got one hand on one of her boobs,
and I'm asleep on her chest like this.
And she's listening to something.
And we're, again, chatting
in between takes and blah, blah,
having a laugh, and I said, "You know,
Jess, I don't know what you're talking about.
You have fantastic tits."
And she said, "Honey, if your hand wasn't there,
that thing would be halfway around my back."
Anyway, back to my dermatologist's office
'cause he loves the fact that I tell
the scrotal aging story, and the last time I went,
I had this little dry patch between my shoulder blades.
I'm like, "What's that? It's a little dry patch."
He went, "Oh, that's just an old-man barnacle.
I can burn that off for you." I was like, "Ouch."
Anyway, he told me about this new thing
he's being asked to do, this new procedure.
And what it is, is that guys want to get Botox
injected into their balls, actually,
because, you know, Bot-- oh, this man's nodding.
You've heard of it.
Oh, really? 'Cause, you know,
Botox, as I think you may have realized,
it relaxes your muscles, right?
So if you have in your balls, it makes your balls sag.
And people want to have these big sort of bull balls.
It's a thing. People like it. No judgments here.
And what is hilarious
is that that procedure...
[laughs]
And this is true. My dermatologist told me.
It's called Scrotox.
Anyway, enough of me.
What did you think of my last movie?
Only kidding.
We're now going to...
we're now going to meet a young gentleman
whose balls are very tight
and nowhere... nowhere near his knees.
Please say hello to Joe Castle Baker.
[cheers and applause]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Yeah, okay, we're vibing now, right?
Yeah, oh, yeah. We're vibing.
Yeah, whatever, kind of sicko mode in the room.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, cool girl over there, yes.
Yeah, and it's really fun.
It's really fun. It's really fun.
You guys, you guys,
some people in this world are really annoying.
But me, I'm pretty much irresistible, okay?
You know, that swagger on 100 lifestyle,
that can't be me, you know.
Just kind of vibing out all day long, you know.
Some people, myself included, can be the life of the party.
Me, I'm more often a life of a party,
kind of catering, and... but it's good that way.
You know, I get to be kind of on the side.
I get to be kind of involved in that way
and be myself in that way as well.
Just, you know, earlier today, for instance,
I got to the venue about five or six hours early.
And I was texting all of the other performers, saying,
"Hey, you know, who wants to hang out and make memories,
go to the Statue of Liberty, whatever?"
And...and, you know, I was sending some really,
really clever selfies that kind of were
very light-hearted.
And, you know, they didn't respond.
They didn't respond at all, which is totally fine.
I'm kind of whatever about it, vibing out.
Still my own way.
And...and, you know, but for me,
it's always, you know, when people are mean
or if they ignore you, it's kind of like, you know,
I'm rubber and you're glue.
You put the glue on me,
and I'm just kind of going with it, you know.
And so it's all kind of fun.
It's all kind of fun, you know.
And so I was here for a few hours,
just kind of doing my own thing,
kind of writing and thinking.
And then I was crossing the street outside,
and I was in the middle of the street.
And I looked into the restaurant across the street,
and I saw all the performers were there.
And they were all there.
They were kind of sitting together, laughing.
And I was kind of watching kind of going, "Yeah, okay."
And it was just this great moment.
And then actually, a car hit me.
And it was going really fast, and I was kind of going,
"Ahh, whatever, you know." It was not a big deal.
I don't know why people make such a big deal out of cars.
It's whatever, and actually, that car was going so fast,
I was airborne for a long time.
And I was thinking to myself, I was like,
"Oh, am I on a JetBlue flight?"
And actually, it was really fun.
I just kind of got up and, you know, my whole leg is,
you know, purple like Barney.
But, yeah, now I'm here and just kind of having fun.
You know, I'm really just enjoying the moment,
doing my own thing up here, you know.
When I was asked to do this show,
I felt so, so humble, you know.
I was so grounded by that.
I felt such humility.
I was humiliated, and, you know,
'cause I'm not a traditional stand-up, you know.
I'm more...
...you know, I'm an experimental...
I'm an experimental, yeah... I'm an experimental
kind of comic, you know. I'm experimental,
which means that everything I do is an experiment,
and the results are kind of, you know, down the line.
Oh, my God, you know, I should introduce myself.
I can't believe I didn't say my name.
My name is Joe Castle Baker.
I am 6'5", just like Osama bin Laden.
And believe it or not,
I actually studied psychology
in college.
You know, not because I wanted to work in a restaurant
for the rest of my life, but...
but because I really wanted to understand people.
I wanted to know why they do the things they do.
And also, because I wanted to represent white gay men,
you know.
And so far, I'm doing a really good job.
But let's talk about anal sex now.
Over quarantine, I was watching
a lot of, you know, prestige gay movies.
Typically, there's one or two sex scenes in there.
And I was kind of watching one recently, and I realized,
"Wait a minute.
I don't like that."
And I was trying to figure out what is it
that I don't like about them,
so I was watching them over and over again.
And then it really dawned on me, you know,
right before they start, you know,
F-U-C-K-I-N-G,
the top goes like this,
like he's checking where the wind is going.
And that's all the lube he uses.
And he just dives right in, and, you know,
you don't have to be a gay man to know what anal sex is like.
You can also be an adult brave girl, you know?
And so I've been thinking about this in terms
of, you know, my acting and how I approach sex scenes,
'cause I know they're gonna come.
And one of the things that I was thinking about a lot
is the scene where you get head, okay?
You know the scene: there's one head here,
one head here, and that head goes down,
meaning there's head, right?
And this actor up in frame,
he's actually not getting head.
That's something I found out recently.
So it's the actor's job
to really convey it with his face.
I don't know.
I'm just thinking to myself,
"Well, I don't even know what my face looks like
when I'm getting head--yet."
So I was getting oral sex.
And I pull out...
...a small hand mirror.
And I'm just kind of looking at it,
just kind of studying myself, kind of watching myself.
No judgement, you know.
[audience member] You know.
And I was learning a lot.
And I was kind of becoming a better actor
by the second, really.
And it was at that moment
that the guy who was performing on me...
...he goes, "What the hell are you doing?"
And I put the hand mirror away,
and I look down at who was down there...
and I realized that it was none other
than Timothée Chalamet.
I was blown away. I was blown away.
Unfortunately, the rest of what happened
is hidden behind an NDA.
I'm really well known for my transitions,
and that whole thing kinda reminded me of this.
I am not the only person in my family who's in the business.
And this is something I don't really talk about very often,
but my mother is the mom on the show Home Improvement.
Have you seen that show? Yeah, you're gasping away.
Keep it down, please.
But she is. She's the mom on that show.
And so a lot of people ask me if she, as a mother to me,
was like the mom on that show.
And she was, you know, a little different.
She was still a great mom, like on the TV show.
But it was very different in person.
Like, you know, like, this one time,
I was asking her if I could have a party, like,
at the house when, you know, I was younger.
I was asking, "Can we have a party?"
Then we were fighting back and forth about it.
And she won the fight just totally
because she looked at me and she was like,
"Joe, I don't want people in my house, drinking,
drugging, sucking, and fucking each other!"
I was eight, so there was this...
It was kind of confusing.
But I do have, like, a lot of fond memories
of being on the set of that show, like, as a kid.
Like, I had my first kiss
on the set of Home Improvement
with Tim Allen, you know.
He's so dreamy.
But I do shy away from talking about this
because of the whole nepotism thing, you know.
Nepotism is one of the hardest things that can happen to you,
you know.
And truth is I am such a success story.
You know what I mean? Just the other day,
I was actually responding to a $25 Cameo
from a diaper fetishist
who told me that porn doesn't do it for him anymore.
And I had to look at myself and say, you know,
"Joe, don't let this get to your head, you know?"
But what's really special is that my mom is also on Cameo,
which is the sign of a family at the top of their game.
Well, I'm actually...
I probably should get going.
No, really, I should get-- I should go home at this point.
But there's one thing I wanted to say really quickly.
And also, I put a burrito in the microwave.
It should be warm by now at home.
But I wanted to tell you guys a story
of the story of how I came out of the closet
as a gay man.
Don't laugh.
And it's really serious, you know.
It's a really serious story.
So if you cry, that's fine.
And I know there are some people
in the audience-- I don't wanna point to them.
But there are some people... there are some people
in the audience who clearly, you know,
they're struggling with their sexuality still, you know.
They're not ready to say things, and...
but I know that after they hear this,
they will come out almost immediately.
So here we go.
I sit my mom down...
...and I say to her, "Mom!
Sit down! Shut up!
And listen to me!
I have something to say! I am gay!"
And my mom looks at me and she says,
"Joe, guess what. You are my son.
And I will love you till the day I die!"
I say, "Thank you, Mom. I love you!"
Then I go to my dad. I say, "Dad! Sit down!
Shut the fuck up! And listen to me!
I have something to say!
I am gay!"
And he says, "Guess what.
I love it.
And you know what else?
Gay sex is natural.
I don't care if it's licking, sucking, fucking, rimming.
You're gonna do it all, and you're starting tonight."
I say, "Thank you, Dad. I love you."
Then I go to the school principal.
I walk right in.
I say, "Sit down, shut up, and listen to me!
I have something to say! I am gay!"
And the principal looks at me, and he says,
"You better leave this office
and walk back in with your head held high...
...'cause there's no way I'm letting a student
at my school
be ashamed in their own skin!"
I say, "Thank you. I love you."
Then I go to the town square, okay?
They're in the middle of a town hall meeting
with Mr. Mayor.
I walk right up to the podium.
I say, "Sit down, shut up, and listen to me!
I have something to say!
I am gay!"
And the mayor slams the gavel down.
I'll never forget it.
And he walks right up to me,
and he gives me an open-mouth French kiss on the lips.
That was Eric Adams, by the way.
And that's my coming out story.
You guys have been so great. I'm Joe Castle Baker.
Have a nice night.
Let's hear it one more time for Joe Castle Baker.
[cheers and applause]
Wouldn't it be nice if people didn't have to come out?
Getting a little serious here.
But, you know, comedy is drama.
Drama is comedy. I think it's lovely
that you meet people who didn't actually come out.
They're young enough where there wasn't an issue,
and they didn't have a coming out story like every sort of,
as he said, every gay person does.
I always think
it's fascinating when people get together
and they all tell their coming out stories,
and also when people say to you things like,
you know, "When did you know? When did you first know
that you were, you know, whatever?"
And I always say, "When did you know you were straight?"
And we don't laugh.
But this is a comedy show,
so let's have somebody funny for a change.
Please say hello to Julia Shiplett.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you.
Hello. Hello.
Oh, my God. I'm so happy to be here.
Oh, my God.
Can I first do an impression
I've just been working really hard on lately?
Is that okay? Okay.
-[clears throat] -[audience member] Whoo!
Yes.
If you don't give me a massage before dinner...
[chuckles]
...I swear to God,
I'm gonna ruin this whole fucking meal for everyone!
Thank you. That was kale.
Anyway...
Isn't it wild how much the world has changed
the past few years?
-[audience member] Yeah. -Hot take, sorry.
But I just...
some of our lives just look so different than before.
Not me, though, but I have friends
who, you know, they're starting families.
They're having their first kid.
And I wanna be supportive of them.
But every time one of my friends
tells me they're pregnant now, I can't help but be like,
"Look, we'll take care of this, okay?
New York is the last place Roe's gonna fall.
We have time, you know?"
And then they remind me,
"Julia, I'm a married lesbian doing IVF.
This is a choice I made, okay?"
And I'm like, "Yeah, well, you're only 34.
So I hope you're ready to be a teen mom."
Yeah.
Don't ask me to babysit. I just...I don't know.
People became a lot of different
types of parents too.
People became baby parents,
pet parents.
You know, I-I got a few plants,
but I still don't feel responsible enough
to call myself a plant mom, you know?
Even when it comes to flora, I can't commit to motherhood.
Yeah, I would say I'm more of, like,
a fun plant aunt, you know. I just sort of, like, show up
and take care of them whenever I'm in the mood.
A lot of my nephews are dead.
It is...it's a lot of weekly funerals.
But I probably am older than you think.
I still get a lot of auditions
for the roles of high schoolers, high schoolers.
And I think that's what happens
when you look like a tween cosplaying
as a creative director.
But I am in my 30s.
I'm well into my 30s.
And never once have I gotten close to booking
the role of a high schooler
'cause apparently, Hollywood doesn't want a 17-year-old
with the energy of a two-time divorcee.
I don't know why.
But I don't know.
I don't wanna play a high schooler.
But what I am desperate to be cast in, you guys,
is a period drama.
Ahh. Do you love a period drama in here?
Oh, my God, they're so--
the one thing I want in this life
is to have my teeny, little tits
spilling out of a corset, illuminated by candle.
That's all I want. That's all I fucking want.
And I'll play anything. I'll play a noble.
I'll play a serf. I'll play the town wench.
I don't care. I don't, you know.
If there's feudalism involved, I want in.
That's how I feel. That's how I feel.
But I was told that I may seem a little too contemporary
for those types of roles,
which I don't think is fair, you know.
That's just code for, "We don't know what race you are.
And you talk like a dumb bitch."
No, I disagree. You know why?
I think that audiences are ready to meet
an 18th-century housekeeper with vocal fry.
I think viewers are hungry
for an ethnically ambiguous duchess
whose voice goes up at the end of every sentence.
You know what I mean?
And to prove that right here right now,
I would just love to do a quick, quick monologue
from the classic novel and film for you,
Pride and Prejudice.
Is that okay?
Yeah, thank you.
Hollywood, if you're here,
consider this my formal audition
for your next period drama.
And, everybody else, pretend I'm Keira Knightley
talking to Tom from Succession.
Okay. [clears throat]
And those are the words of a gentleman?
[scoffs]
From the moment I met you...
...your arrogance, your conceit...
...your selfish disdain for the feelings of others
made me realize that you are
the last...
man in the world
I could ever be prevailed upon to marry.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
Thank you.
My passport's up to date
in case we're shooting in Europe.
I, um...
By the way, I'm half Chinese, in case
you're trying to figure this out a little bit.
A lot of times, people are surprised by that, you know.
They'll say things like, "Half Chinese?
I would have never guessed that.
I would have never guessed that."
And it's like, "Sir, no one asked you to do that."
You don't...
No, you could simply not know, you know?
Quietly wonder until it comes up organically.
But I don't know, I think that's what happens a lot
when you're mixed or biracial.
People are just kind of curious about you sometimes,
especially in this country.
Like someone once told me that I have the face of America.
[chuckles]
Oh, Ferrera. Sorry, America Ferrera.
Just to be clear.
I see it. I do see it. [chuckles]
I'm biracial.
I am also bi...myself. I'm by myself.
I'm single. Sorry.
-[audience member] I love you. -I'm single.
Um, I don't know.
Personally, I identify as horny
for anyone hot who might ruin my life.
That's what I put in the forms.
I feel like everybody is bi now.
It's kinda--everyone's--like,
you are all bi to me until you tell me otherwise.
And even when you do, I'll be like,
"We'll see about that." It's great.
I hope we keep going in that direction.
But it's kind of getting almost a little expected,
a little boring in a way, you know.
I feel like bisexuality has sort of become the, like,
"I like everything but country" of sexuality.
Country being men who wear sunglasses
on the back of their head.
Nobody...nobody wants that.
I think-I think I knew that I wasn't straight
for a long time,
but I only started dating women and queer people
a few years ago.
And I gotta say, it is also bad.
Yeah, there, I said it. I said it, okay?
It's different
but also not good, you know?
I don't know. I don't know.
But I will say, I feel like I'm so happy
that people are coming out at such early ages now
and exploring their sexuality much sooner.
But I also love when people
who are older come out much later in life.
Like, do you know who came out as bisexual
for the first time ever last year at the age of 59?
Carole Baskin.
Yeah.
Carole Baskin.
Remember her?
Arch nemesis... arch nemesis of Joe Exotic,
the tiger queen herself,
bi icon, bicon Carole Baskin.
And I can't think of anything more violently queer
than feeding your husband to your cat.
That's...
Wow. Wow.
Murder by feline.
Very gay, very gay.
[sighs] You guys have been wonderful.
Thank you so much for having me.
I'm gonna do one quick impression,
if that's okay, one more.
[audience member] Whoo!
Thank you. That's an educational TikTok
about alternatives to the prison industrial complex.
I'm Julia Shiplett.
Thank you so much.
[cheers and applause]
We're going to have some la dance now, everybody, yes.
Club Cumming is very small, but we still,
we have had dance quite often at Club Cumming.
Once, the entire cast of Cats
came on their Monday night off and did the Jellicle Ball
at Club Cumming.
That's not a euphemism.
No, funny I should set up-- 'cause I just did--
because we're going to see some people who are going
to bring tap back into the queer comedy world,
where it has been sorely missed.
Please give it up for Zach Teague and Drew Lausch.
[cheers and applause]
-Hello, hello. -Hello.
How are we doing? Oh.
God fucking damn it.
Do I have whale tail?
-Okay, good. -You do.
Oh, my God, you look amazing.
So happy to be up here with my BFF in the world.
Um...[laughs]
In the world, in this world.
Anyway, hi. I'm Zach Teague.
And I'm Drew Lausch.
[both] And we're twins.
Which one of us has the astigmatism?
Sorry, twins with sexual tension.
A lot of sexual tension.
It's a really great commercial,
those two blonde girls.
[laughs] They're so cute.
Oh, my gosh, you know, but a little fact about us.
I'm from Texas.
And I'm from North Dakota.
But something we have in common...
[both] We've both fucked Phil Collins.
[cheers and applause]
Duh-dunk, duh-dunk, duh-dunk, dah-dah-dah-dah.
-Great guy. Great guy. -[Drew] And you could say
he left a part of himself inside of us.
Or you could say he planted a seed.
A seed of...
-Cum. -Music.
-Oh, cum. -Music.
Oh. Okay.
[both] Cum
I have chills. Do you have chills?
Thank you. I have chills.
I have chills. Do you have chills?
Is it weird that I don't have elbows?
Are you a nurse? [laughs]
Um, everything you see up here is very highbrow comedy.
We've written it down precisely.
Yes, we journal together every night, okay?
Literally. Very well-crafted jokes.
But we're gonna do a little song and dance for you
because we're both failed
musical theatre majors with no outlet.
Yes, and you could say that this song is our origin story.
So it all started-- Drew was wearing a bonnet
in a field and--oh, sorry,
this is for another time.
-That's for another time. -Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry. Okay, so no.
This is our origin story
based on two straight guys
editing their film in Adobe Suite.
Um, I think you guys are really gonna like this.
Um, and...
[both] Hit it!
dramatic music playing
CNN.
My name is Zach
My name is Drew
That's right.
[both] Boo body, boo body
Boo body, boo
[glasses clink]
DJ, put it in our ass.
club music playing
Don't own a cardigan?
Buy one.
Don't know what a cardigan is?
[both] We're about to explain.
[Zach] Listen.
[both] Cardigans, cardigans,
cardigans, cardigans.
Say it again, Zach.
Okay, cardi...
...gans.
Oh, we wear cardigans to the beach.
I've never been sad in my life.
Because you're in a cardigan?
[both] Hell, yeah, that's fucking right
Cardi-B, Cartier, cardigans
Zachary and Drew are just friends
Jesus died on a cross for your sins
His final words were "cardigans"
We know how to count to 10
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
10
Welcome to the Club Cumming... [speaking indistinctly]
[Drew] Oh, have you ever smoked a cigarette?
How's Iggy Azalea doing?
-I could use one. -[Zach] Oh. Okay.
[person on recording] I didn't know I could feel like that.
[both] Gays didn't exist in the '20s
Gays didn't exist in the '20s
My parents are together.
And mine are divorced.
jazzy music playing
Yeah.
Get into it.
[both] Our moms would tuck us in at night
And tell us everything's gonna be all right
And it wasn't
Hate exists.
[both] And it wasn't
Gays don't exist
[both] Gays were invented by the Democrats
That's a fact
We're a mirage
Ooh
Gays don't exist
And we're a mirage
[tap dancing]
[cheers and applause]
Oh, tap dancing gays.
Here we go.
-[Drew] Mm. -[Zach] We love you.
[Drew] Yeah.
[both] Cardi-B, Cartier, cardigans
Zachary and Drew are just friends
Jesus died on a cross for your sins
His final words were gays don't exist
Thank you. We're Zach and Drew.
Thank you!
[cheers and applause]
[announcer] Let's hear it one more time for Zach and Drew.
Bravo. Bravo.
You know, someone who I think would really have loved
Club Cumming-- and he was actually a resident
of the East Village-- was Quentin Crisp.
Do you all who-- do you all know who he is?
[light applause]
A smattering of applause.
I'm sure he would have loved that.
And one of my favorite bon mots of his
is what he said about LA.
He said, "Los Angeles
is like New York lying down."
I know what he means.
But anyway, we always love
when our friends from California come
and visit us at Club Cumming.
And we have a very special one here.
Please give it up for Nori Reed.
Oh, my God.
I don't have any jokes. [laughs]
I filmed a set recently,
and all those drugs are gone.
There was this one
where I was-I was like, uh...
[imitates speaking]
-Mm-hmm. -[laughter, applause]
Yeah, thank you.
Thank you.
That's exactly how they sounded.
Um, I'm just kidding.
I'm kidding.
I don't-I don't have any jokes
'cause I'm in my Dave Chappelle era.
Mm-hmm. Yep.
It's like all vibes, no jokes,
you know?
"Trans people
are so f-fucking weird."
Spot on? [laughs]
Spot on? Spot on.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm highly emotionally intelligent.
And there are some people over here, they're like,
"Tell a joke."
It's like, "I bought a ticket. Tell a joke."
And if that's you, you're a capitalist.
Oh, oh, if I tell a joke, can I use the bathroom?
If I make you laugh, can I go visit my grandma,
Jeff Bezos?
If you-if you're so horny for a joke,
here's one.
America.
[mouthing words]
Did she go there?
Yeah.
Okay.
I'll be honest.
I actually don't have any jokes
'cause I write for TV now.
So...[laughs]
I don't have time for this anymore.
I don't. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry!
I'm sorry. I write for TV. I'm trans rich.
It's very niche.
It's-it's me,
Laverne Cox, and...
[whispers] ...the other one, you know.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Yeah.
Do you know-do you know who I'm talking about?
Do you know which one?
Do you know who I'm talking about?
Okay, say it.
Caitlyn Jenner.
Why would you say that?
I love...I do. I love being trans rich.
But it's a little isolating
'cause a lot of my trans friends are still poor.
And it's just really hard 'cause...
I call 'em on the phone and I'm like,
"Hey, how are you?"
And they're like...
It's they/them. Don't worry.
...they're like, "I don't know, rent's due.
This month is gonna be tough."
And I'm like, "Oh, no."
"Let's talk about this more at Nobu."
[laughs]
Okay, this isn't a joke, but I do think it's funny.
Gay people.
Gay people are funny.
It doesn't make us any less valid.
I personally--I don't believe that people are born gay.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Lady Gaga got to ya.
Born this way
I-I personally believe
that when a baby is born,
they look around the room.
And if the doctor is hot...
No, I do think that gay people are funny.
I-I was in West Hollywood last weekend,
a very gay place.
New Yorkers.
God. You don't get it. You don't get it.
It's highly gay.
And I was at a crosswalk
in front of Hamburger Mary's.
Do you guys know what Hamburger Mary's is?
Yeah, it's a really famous drag bar.
And in front of me, there was two women.
And they were gay.
How do you know?
Their hair.
Grow up, you know? Like...
And one of them
had this, like, sobbing baby.
And she was just rocking,
rocking this sobbing, sobbing toddler.
And she went, "Nicholas, there's
a lot of boys across America who would have died
to have their third birthday at Hamburger Mary's."
That is no place for a baby.
The bar was playing Shania Twain
at a volume I can only describe as apocalyptic.
I personally right now think that therapy is a joke.
-[laughter] -[snapping]
The snaps.
Not the snaps.
I kind of-I need to break up with my therapist.
It's just not working out.
She-she broke her foot...
...so it's all about her now.
I log on to Zoom, and I have to be like,
"Hey, girl.
How's your foot?"
And then she talks about it on my dime.
I'm sorry, I don't wanna pay someone $200 a week
who broke her foot...
...'cause at a certain point of adulthood,
you just learn how to walk.
But the worst thing that she did...
and this is when I was like, "I have to make a change."
She was like, "Nori, Nori, share something vulnerable.
You have to share something vulnerable."
She kinda egged me on that way.
And I was like, "Okay, okay, let's do this."
So I shared with her that I've been sexually assaulted.
And the moment that I shared that,
she bit into a Milano.
And it was stale,
so it really made a crunch.
Okay, you've been nice.
So...wait, wait.
No, no, you've been-you've been-you've been nice,
so I will tell one joke.
I will tell one.
If I like someone and we're really vibing,
I tell them to transition...
...regardless of who they are.
And I do that because being trans is a MLM.
It's a pyramid scheme.
You gotta get to the top.
If I could get five of you to transition...
...I-I get a air fryer.
That's my time. Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
Let's hear it for Nori Reed one more time.
Isn't she great?
[cheers and applause]
So one of the things
when you're hosting a comedy special
and you're drinking is that you have to have notes.
And as Nori was doing her bit,
I looked at my notes for the next person.
And all it said was, "Queer Show America."
And I have no idea what that means.
And I panicked, and I was about to shout
to my assistants, like, "What the hell?
What does this mean?"
Then I thought,
"That's the perfect way to introduce...
Pat Regan."
[cheers and applause]
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you, but I wanna empower...
I wanna empower y'all to shut up.
Cool. My name is Pat.
I, too, don't know what Queer Show America means.
But I think it sounds really cool.
Yeah, I'm gay. I am gay. That's why I'm here.
That's why I act this way.
Sorry.
I would love to engage.
This is actually perfect 'cause kind of as a queer man,
I've been kinda conditioned by society
to feel safe near disco balls,
which is not something I saw coming as a child.
Yeah, you know,
I think I have the potential to look really good.
I had a...I ate one Kit Kat just before this,
and now I look awful.
And that's so funny.
Before...I have to share.
Right before we started, someone involved
in the production said, "And"--she's like, "Oh,
and then you could ch- is that-
do you have different clothes to change to
or is that your look? Oh, perfect."
And I said, in a sound I've never even heard before,
I said, "It's Hugo Boss!"
Glass shattered all over the Village.
They had to bring in new glassware for you guys.
It is Hugo Boss.
Yeah, you know, I've just been to Austin, Texas.
And here's what I didn't like about it.
I walk off the plane.
The second I step off, you know,
there's a big mural assaulting me with a sign,
it says, "Keep Austin weird." And I was like,
"Okay, do you mind if I just be normal?
Can I not be, like, on assignment
to, like, dye my hair green in your town?
I'm here for two days. I'm gay.
Is that enough?"
I live in New York.
Last week, I was in Los Angeles, California.
I came back 'cause obviously, no one asked me to stay there.
I was like, "I think I'm gonna head back to the other coast
unless someone would like me to star in TV and film.
All right, I'm gonna go."
I like LA. I think LA is fine.
I just think personally, for me,
it would make more logistical sense
if LA was closer to New York, right?
And, you know, I'm gonna go there.
I think, actually, LA should be in New York.
That, to me, would make more sense.
Like, if I was an urban planner, God forbid...
...I would take LA, in my planning.
I would come and crack my knuckles.
I would take LA,
and I would put it where Staten Island is,
you know, do a little reorg.
And then Staten Island,
which is so nice to have but we rarely use...
...I would take that and I would put it on the West Coast,
which I kind of view as storage space.
I'm exhausted. I'm very tired. I had a very full day.
I had to print something out today.
It's crazy the hoops they make you jump through.
The red tape is wild.
I'll tell you what, it is easier
to get a gun in this country
than it is to print something out.
And I swore I wouldn't do it, but I call for a forum.
Let me know if that goes anywhere.
No, I actually just chilled today.
I watch a lot of makeover shows, like,
makeover shows where people come in
and they actually use special strategies
to make someone a little bit hotter.
And my favorite one actually is Queer Eye.
I love that show Queer Eye. It's so good.
And what I love about Queer Eye
is they have this ethos where they come in doe-eyed,
and they're like, "Hey, hi. Listen, first of all,
what matters is not how you look, okay?
What matters is how you feel.
And how you feel is based on how you look.
So we're gonna teach you about under eye stick
for that reason."
I think that's so cool.
I, too, was in a strange--you know,
I struggled a little bit with body dysmorphia.
Had some eating issues.
One part of my pandemic is, I actually gained 40 pounds.
And I subsequently have lost 25 of them.
Calm down.
Don't moan about it.
And the way I lost the weight
is an app called Noom.
Do you know about Noom the app?
Yeah, it's an amazing app that kind of, like,
helps you have an eating disorder for a little while.
So cool that it got invented by the app inventors.
And-and I found out about Noom
the same way you find out about every diet,
which is that my straight cousin's fiancé
lost 19 pounds before her wedding,
and now that's all my mom talks about.
And, you know, I was setting up my Noom
and I was answering all their questions,
I got to one page that was like,
"Have you ever had an eating disorder before?"
So I clicked yes, and then the next page was like,
"Go! Run. You can't be here. Run.
This is not for you. Leave. Leave now."
But then thank God there was a Back button...
Which I hit, and I said no,
and they were like, "Oh, my God, welcome to Noom.
This is gonna be amazing for you, bitch!"
So yeah, I'm a master manipulator.
I'm living a double life.
Yeah, you know, I recently was on actually Comedy Central's
Instagram account.
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
I don't even wanna hear your point.
You don't get it, okay? 'Cause it's huge.
And it's the Purple Heart of our times.
So I don't wanna hear it.
And, you know, I really didn't do gay material.
I just did truly, like, family values shit.
But I did speak in this voice, and it upset straight people
across the nation, I would say.
You know, they thought I was doing it on purpose, actually,
which I agree would be sociopathic.
But I actually speak like this on accident.
And so I read every single comment
'cause I'm absolutely fucking obsessed with myself.
And it was just like, "Gay people aren't funny.
I hate gay people. I hate their white-girl wine.
We get it. You like dick.
You don't gotta sound like one's in you right now."
And I was like, "Okay, what gay porn
have you been watching...
that these bottoms
are delivering perfectly crafted jokes
while being absolutely penetrated?"
When I have a dick in me right now,
it's a completely different soundscape.
But actually, then it has a happy ending.
The story has a happy ending
'cause then all of a sudden, people did at the bottom
started coming in and saying like,
"Shut up. You just be quiet. Gay people are funny."
One person was like,
"Just because this gay person isn't funny does not mean
no gay people are funny." I was like,
"Oh, my God, even the allies are absolutely dragging me."
You know, I love teen culture. I love teens.
I love the drama that teens often choose
to create for themselves and those around them.
I love a teen movie. I really do.
I saw Love Simon. So important.
If you haven't seen it--if you haven't seen Love Simon,
the plot is that someone's gay.
Outstanding, and...
...and another thing, Love Simon
actually opens on a countdown to graduation.
And when a movie opens first frame
and it's a countdown to graduation, I'm just like,
"All right, the emotional stakes are huge!"
And so that's my kind of vibe.
And then, you know, recently, I actually,
I hurt my foot very badly.
And I was bedridden for two weeks,
which is unbelievable for my depression,
and, um...
but I'm an artist, right? I'm a creator.
So I'm always working. I'm always creating.
And so I actually did use the time
to workshop a treatment for my own teen movie.
And so if it's not too gauche,
I would like to recite that treatment
for the end of my set.
Thank you.
So the movie is called Bedridden.
And it's about this very hot girl,
who's also--wait-- really popular
and--here's the kicker--rich.
So she's kind of a shoo in for prom queen,
if that makes sense.
And ostensibly, she has it all.
But then senior year, she falls off the escalator
at the mall
and becomes bedridden.
So the next day, this nerdy guy with, like,
a secret good body...
shows up at her door.
And she creaks it open and she's like,
"Ew, freak, what are you doing here?"
And he's like, "Hey, I don't like this either, okay?
The teacher said I had to bring over
your trig homework, and she said
I had to go over what we did in class with you."
And the girl is like, "You're such a little perv."
And he's like, "Hey, I don't like this either, okay?
I think you're really shallow."
So he comes in and starts, like,
doing trig with this girl, and meanwhile,
she does have a boyfriend, whose name is Trevor.
And he is on the football team.
And he's very hot.
But he's, like, not a good guy.
And he's mean to Nerd all the time.
So, like, that's going on too.
So then one day,
Nerd is doing trig with this girl.
And he throws his pencil down
and looks at her and says, "You know,
you could be really good at this if you wanted to be.
You're smart, Trisha."
No one's ever told her this before.
She's like, "Well, my home life isn't exactly easy, okay?
My mom always makes me do pageants.
And she monitors what I eat and stuff."
And he's like, "Man, that sucks.
My mom died before I was born."
And she's like, "Oh, my God, that must be really hard."
And he's like, "Don't worry about it, okay?
That's why I work so hard in school.
I'm gonna get out of this town one day, unlike Trevor."
And then he's not sure if he should say this,
but he goes, "Can I ask you something?"
To which she says, "I'm bedridden.
I'm not going anywhere."
And he's like, "What do you see in that guy?"
She's like, "I don't know.
It's just always felt like he's
who I'm supposed to be with."
And he's like, "Well, Trisha, I think you deserve
to be with someone really special,
who's actually gonna get out of this town one day."
And she's like, "Yeah, maybe.
But I still don't get cosines."
And he's like, "Right, back to trig."
So then about two weeks after that,
Trisha goes near her window
to get in a good mood from sunlight.
And she sees Trevor fully hooking up
with her best friend on her front yard
for no reason.
And she is devastated.
So Nerd comes over and he sees her.
And he's just like,
"We're not doing trig today.
What's going on?"
And she gives this unbelievable line read,
where she goes,
"I was supposed to be prom queen.
And now I can't even go to prom
because I'm bedridden!"
So then two weeks after that, prom night,
Trisha's just, like, sitting in her room
in her pajamas, nowhere to go.
Nerd comes in with a dress and a wheelchair.
And he looks at her and he just says, "Get in."
And she's like, "What?"
And he's like, "It's a wheelchair.
Do you trust me? Get in."
So cut to Nerd, like, wheeling her into prom.
And he leans in and he says,
"You know, if I couldn't bring you to prom,
I thought I'd bring prom to you."
And she's like, "Yeah, but you did bring me to prom."
And he's like, "I know. I know.
I just, like, wanted to say that."
She's like, "I get it. I get it."
So then against all odds,
Trisha actually wins prom queen.
And she is dancing with Nerd in her wheelchair
and she says, "You know, I never thought senior year,
I'd fall off the escalator at the mall
and become bedridden..."
And then she continues,
"...and I never knew it would be the best thing
that ever happened to me!"
And they kiss.
That's the movie. Thank you, guys, so much.
I'm Pat Regan.
[Alan] Pat Regan, everybody.
[cheers and applause]
I'd love to see that movie.
One of the loveliest things about Club Cumming
for me is the way that I have noticed
that so many of the acts
we have are actually musical acts
that are also fucking hilarious.
To wit, please give it up for the absolutely darling
and incredible Larry Owens.
[cheers and applause]
Men
I don't want 'em, I don't need 'em
Throw the whole gender away
Men
You might try to leave 'em
But they'll find you anyway
Frank was bad
Norman was worse
I tried to leave Jean Pierre
But he left me first
Hassan is gone just like Deshawn
Men are the lowest forms of trash
In this whole universe
Men are scum historically
Adam bit the apple and then blamed it on Eve
Those clods are odd, just ask the Marquis de Sade
Hopefully, we see femmes like me be free
'Cause men
I don't want 'em, I don't need 'em
Throw the whole species away
Men
You might try to leave 'em
But anyway
But when they touch my hips
And the small of my back
I simply lose
My faculties
[laughs]
I start to tremble
I start to shake
I turn into a dummy
Because I temporarily forget
That men are disease
Sing it!
[all] Men
I don't want 'em
I don't need 'em
Throw the whole concept away
Sing it!
[all] Men
That's nice.
You might try to leave 'em, but they'll find you anyway
[scatting]
[vocalizing]
Stupid, nasty, filthy fucking men
[vocalizing]
Sing it.
[all] Men
[cheers and applause]
Yes, here I am,
dressed like an extra from The Gilded Age.
"Mrs. Astor..."
That's Carrie Coon,
the Chicagoland actress.
Carrie Coon, one of those actresses with a last name
that you don't know if you should pronounce.
Carrie Coon, Ruth Negga,
and so on and so forth.
You can play the next track.
lively music playing
The '20s are coming, but I just can't unwind
Because there is a something that's
Always on my mind
I can't breathe
I-I-I
I can't breathe
The sounds of screaming feels like music
Feels like New Orleans
Feels like the sound of us crying Black boys
While others try to make this country become great
I ruminate on issues and conflate
I can't breathe like Trayvon Martin
I can't breathe like Sandra Bland
I can't breathe as I record my own demise
With the iPhone in my hand
I can't breathe like Eric Garner
I can't breathe like Tamir Rice
I can't breathe 'cause we as Black men
Most in danger are Black trans lives
I can't breathe just like Philando
I can't breathe like Botham Jean
You might think it's dumb to say their names
But I'll go on
Run
Voice, run
Right toward
The sun
You
Already won
So ride on
Ride on, ride on
Ride on
I-I-I
I
I-I-I-I-I
I can't breathe
And in my niece's eyes
And in my nephew's smile
I get the strength to journey on
And run another mile
My sister still is proud of me
My cousin still lives on
My mother's strength is giving me
The strength to sing this
Song
[cheers and applause]
The '20s are coming
But believe you me, we got a ways to go
It starts when you can see
That I can't...
[gasps]
[sighs]
[cheers and applause]
Sometimes comedy is not funny.
[laughter]
Dave Chappelle. Okay.
[laughs]
You can play the last track, John.
piano music playing
The darkest moment of pandemic
Was when I used my own podcast code for BetterHelp
Marjorie
My therapist
Sweet white lady
Who gets it
She listens
I talk
And I use her like a glory hole
I walk in
[whispers] I walk in.
I get service
[whispers] I get service.
I know nothing about her
Then I leave
Marjorie
[cheers and applause]
Marjorie
M-m-m-my therapist
Sweet white lady
Who gets it
I doubted her
I dismissed her
And I made her
Just listen to me for weeks
Marjorie
But then one day
One day
She said something profound
And I was like, "You've been listening this entire time?
You fucking bitch"
Marjorie
But then I lost my insurance
And I couldn't see Marjorie
And I tried to email and telephone her to my desk
I tried to update her on my entire life's success
I tried to see if she could see me for a sliding scale
Or for a similar low fee
But Marjorie
Stopped her practice
Because of
A medical emergency
And I know nothing
About Marjorie
And she was never
My glory hole
But her glory and my story
Intertwine
Into this rhyme
Marjorie
[cheers and applause]
I'm Larry Owens.
Have a great night!
[cheers and applause]
Larry fucking Owens.
What a darling.
I wanted to tell you about a night a couple of years ago.
And I was at home. I thought, "You know what?
I'll go to Club Cumming for a nightcap.
It's my bar. I'm Alan Cumming.
I can do what the fuck I like."
So I went for a nightcap. And I was walking over.
And my friend Emma Stone...
You know who told me never to name drop?
Robert De Niro.
...said to me,
"Alan, are you going to Club Cumming tonight?"
I was like, "Emma Stone, I'm walking over there right now."
And she went, "Gosh, well, guess what.
I am with Billie Jean King."
More name dropping.
And so I walk over to Club Cumming and I say,
"Hey, everybody, Emma Stone
and Billie Jean King are coming.
Be cool."
And we're chatting and blah, blah, blah.
And then about 20 minutes later,
Emma calls me and goes, "Holy fucking shit,
Paul McCartney wants to come too!"
And it's like a joke. Paul McCartney,
Billie Jean King, and Emma Stone walk into a bar.
And everyone is trying to remain cool
with varying degrees of success.
And so I'm chatting to Paul,
who is absolutely as charming as you might imagine.
And we're having drinks and everything.
And I sort of said, "You know, Paul,
do you--you know, would you fancy getting up
and singing a song?"
And he went, "No! I've just spent three hours
singing at the Barclays Centre."
And I was like, "Well, that's a yes or no question, Paul."
But then he must have felt bad because he went,
"But I'll accompany you, if you like, Alan."
So Emma Stone and I go up on the tiny stage at Club Cumming
and sang "Part of Your World" from The Little Mermaid.
And Paul McCartney accompanied us on the harmonica.
Dreams do come true, everybody.
And dreams have come true tonight.
My dreams have come true tonight.
Thank you all for watching.
The motto at Club Cumming
is all ages, all genders, all colors,
all sexualities, kindness is all,
and anything could happen.
And it frequently does, let me tell you.
And, people, the next time you come to New York,
come to Club Cumming for a cocktail.
See you then. Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
You fucking nailed it.