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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[indistinct chatter]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[announcer] Get ready       
       for the very first ever

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Club Cumming            
     Queer Comedy Extravaganza!

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This is your host         
     who needs no introduction,

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Alan Cumming!

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[cheers and applause]

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Hello, New York City!

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Welcome.

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Welcome              
      to Club Cumming Presents

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a Queer Comedy Extravaganza.

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[cheers and applause]

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Yes, America, we are here.

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We are queer.

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You just have           
      to fuckin' deal with it.

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But the motto at Club Cumming   
            is all ages,

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all genders, all colors,      
          all sexualities,

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kindness is all,          
     and anything could happen.

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And it frequently does,      
          let me tell you.

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And so tonight,          
     you're gonna see the cream

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of the Club Cumming crop      
          of queer comedy.

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-[cheers and applause]       
           -That's right.

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That's why it's called       
   the Queer Comedy Extravaganza.

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Now, I would-I would        
        thoroughly recommend

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owning a bar.

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It's-I really would.

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It's such fun.           
        Obviously, you know,

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you get to go and you get     
      to pour your own drinks.

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That's great. But I've always   
      wanted to be a bartender.

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So I've kinda fetishized      
         being a bartender.

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And then I bought a bar      
    so I could fulfil my fantasy.

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The sad thing about        
      fulfilling your fantasies

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sometimes is that you realize   
     you're not very good at it.

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But I do love it.         
        I love the sloshing.

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I love the ice.          
          I love the thing.

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It's called a gun, but we     
    don't have, like, guns here.

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But it's called a gun,

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and it's got little letters    
          on it, you know,

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for corresponding the things    
     that come out of the hole.

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And, like, so there's C.      
        That means Coca-Cola.

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There's O. That means orange.

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There's a thing          
      that actually says soda,

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so that's pretty easy;       
         that's soda water.

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But also, there's         
      another thing, another C.

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And, like, basically,       
           what I'm saying

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is that sometimes         
           when I bartend,

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I'm pretty loaded myself,     
               right?

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And also,             
     if I don't have my glasses.

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So I get confused.

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And sometimes I get confused    
        between the Coca-Cola

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and the other C,          
       which is for cranberry.

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But I have now invented      
             a new drink

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that is sweeping          
         Downtown New York.

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It's a Jack and cranberry.

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Talking of my failing eyesight

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brings me to the point       
           of the evening

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where I discuss my age.

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I'm 57 years old.

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I know it's hard to believe.    
           I know. I know.

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No, please don't clap yet.

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Yeah, it's kinda fuckin' nuts.

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My next big birthday is 60.    
          Can you imagine?

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Isn't that nuts? Anyway,

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but that's the great thing     
     about being at Club Cumming

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'cause it's ageless.

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It's ageless there.

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And actually,           
    everybody of all ages comes.

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There was even a lady       
        who was 95 years old.

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And she wanted to spend her    
         95th birthday party

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at Club Cumming.

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Isn't that cute? I know.

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But the thing is,         
          we're all aging.

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It's something we all share.

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Life is but a slow march      
           towards death.

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And I am--it's true.

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I am literally decaying      
     in front of you right now.

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And there's never anywhere     
         that I feel my age

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more than             
     my dermatologist's office.

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I go there quite a lot       
      because, as you can see,

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I'm quite pale. I'm Scottish.

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My fellow countryman        
      Billy Connolly once said

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that Scottish people,       
   our natural skin tone is blue.

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So one time,            
    I was about to go to see him.

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And I was in the shower,

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having a little          
       mole map check myself.

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And I was also           
        checking downstairs.

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And I found these two sort     
     of little red pimple things

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on one of my testicles.

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It was-I was quite alarmed.

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It's sort of as though someone   
       had taken a red sharpie

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and gone boop-boop         
         on one of my balls.

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So I went to the dermatologist.

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I was kind of alarmed.

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And I said,            
       "Look at--what's that?"

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And he went, "Alan, Alan,     
   that's nothing to worry about.

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That's just a normal part     
         of scrotal aging."

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And when I picked myself      
           off the floor,

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I realized that inadvertently,

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I'd been thinking about      
    scrotal aging for some time.

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Inadvertently because I didn't   
     know it was a thing, right?

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But about 20 years ago,

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I made this film in Rome      
         with Jessica Lange.

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And, you know,           
     when you're on a film set,

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you laugh and joke         
           between takes.

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You talk about stuff        
      and you get a bit bawdy.

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And she was talking        
            about the way

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her boobs             
      were getting a bit saggy.

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I said, "Well, my balls      
          have gone south,

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let me tell you," and she said,

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"I wonder if there's        
    such a thing as a ball tuck."

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I said, "There should be,     
           Jessica Lange.

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There should be."

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Anyway, then a couple       
        of years after that,

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I was in Budapest,         
        making another film.

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And on my day off,         
    I went to the Gellert Baths.

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And I was standing         
         in line like this,

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just loving everything       
             and naked.

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And next to me, I looked around 
       and there was this man.

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And he admittedly         
      was an elderly gentleman.

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But I will never unsee this.

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His balls were at his knees.

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His actual balls          
         were at his knees.

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And it was a gamechanger for me

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because at the time,        
       I was in my early 30s.

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I wasn't wearing any underwear.

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I thought,             
    "Let everything swing around.

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You know, let them clack away.

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Let the air            
        get up amongst them."

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You have never seen anyone     
       buy a jockstrap faster.

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And I wear a jockstrap       
            to this day.

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Anyway...I'll show ya later.

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No, no, no, that was        
         a bad thing to say.

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Anyway, back to the film      
         with Jessica Lange.

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There was another day when we   
     were filming a naked scene,

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a sex scene,            
    a sort of post-coital scene.

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And we're naked, and I'm lying   
      on top of her like this.

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I've got one hand         
        on one of her boobs,

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and I'm asleep on her chest    
             like this.

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And she's listening        
            to something.

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And we're, again, chatting

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in between takes          
           and blah, blah,

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having a laugh,          
       and I said, "You know,

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Jess, I don't know         
     what you're talking about.

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00:05:39,505 --> 00:05:41,382
You have fantastic tits."

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00:05:41,424 --> 00:05:43,051
And she said, "Honey,       
     if your hand wasn't there,

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that thing would be        
      halfway around my back."

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00:05:47,722 --> 00:05:50,058
Anyway, back to my         
       dermatologist's office

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00:05:50,099 --> 00:05:52,685
'cause he loves the fact      
             that I tell

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00:05:52,727 --> 00:05:55,480
the scrotal aging story,      
      and the last time I went,

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00:05:55,521 --> 00:05:57,690
I had this little dry patch    
     between my shoulder blades.

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00:05:57,732 --> 00:05:59,233
I'm like, "What's that?      
      It's a little dry patch."

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00:05:59,275 --> 00:06:01,736
He went, "Oh, that's just     
        an old-man barnacle.

154
00:06:01,778 --> 00:06:05,948
I can burn that off for you."   
         I was like, "Ouch."

155
00:06:05,990 --> 00:06:09,202
Anyway, he told me         
        about this new thing

156
00:06:09,243 --> 00:06:11,371
he's being asked to do,      
         this new procedure.

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00:06:11,412 --> 00:06:14,623
And what it is,          
   is that guys want to get Botox

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00:06:14,665 --> 00:06:17,543
injected into their balls,     
              actually,

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00:06:17,585 --> 00:06:19,212
because, you know, Bot--      
       oh, this man's nodding.

160
00:06:19,253 --> 00:06:20,421
You've heard of it.

161
00:06:22,256 --> 00:06:23,633
Oh, really? 'Cause, you know,

162
00:06:23,674 --> 00:06:27,845
Botox, as I think         
       you may have realized,

163
00:06:27,887 --> 00:06:29,764
it relaxes your muscles, right?

164
00:06:29,806 --> 00:06:33,101
So if you have in your balls,   
      it makes your balls sag.

165
00:06:33,142 --> 00:06:35,770
And people want to have      
    these big sort of bull balls.

166
00:06:35,812 --> 00:06:37,939
It's a thing. People like it.   
         No judgments here.

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00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:40,024
And what is hilarious

168
00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:41,776
is that that procedure...

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00:06:41,818 --> 00:06:43,111
[laughs]

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00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:47,532
And this is true.         
      My dermatologist told me.

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00:06:47,573 --> 00:06:49,283
It's called Scrotox.

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00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:53,704
Anyway, enough of me.

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00:06:53,746 --> 00:06:54,622
What did you think         
          of my last movie?

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00:06:54,664 --> 00:06:55,873
Only kidding.

175
00:06:55,915 --> 00:06:57,417
We're now going to...

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00:06:57,458 --> 00:06:58,709
we're now going to meet      
          a young gentleman

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00:06:58,751 --> 00:07:00,545
whose balls are very tight

178
00:07:00,586 --> 00:07:03,046
and nowhere...           
       nowhere near his knees.

179
00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:06,467
Please say hello          
        to Joe Castle Baker.

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00:07:06,509 --> 00:07:09,429
[cheers and applause]

181
00:07:20,815 --> 00:07:22,316
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

182
00:07:22,358 --> 00:07:24,527
Yeah, okay,            
      we're vibing now, right?

183
00:07:24,569 --> 00:07:26,487
Yeah, oh, yeah. We're vibing.

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00:07:26,529 --> 00:07:28,614
Yeah, whatever, kind of      
       sicko mode in the room.

185
00:07:28,656 --> 00:07:32,493
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.      
   Oh, cool girl over there, yes.

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00:07:32,535 --> 00:07:33,786
Yeah, and it's really fun.

187
00:07:33,828 --> 00:07:34,996
It's really fun.          
          It's really fun.

188
00:07:35,037 --> 00:07:36,747
You guys, you guys,

189
00:07:36,789 --> 00:07:40,793
some people in this world     
        are really annoying.

190
00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:46,090
But me, I'm pretty much      
         irresistible, okay?

191
00:07:46,132 --> 00:07:48,009
You know, that swagger on 100   
             lifestyle,

192
00:07:48,050 --> 00:07:49,844
that can't be me, you know.

193
00:07:49,886 --> 00:07:52,680
Just kind of vibing out      
       all day long, you know.

194
00:07:52,722 --> 00:07:56,767
Some people, myself included,   
    can be the life of the party.

195
00:07:56,809 --> 00:07:59,979
Me, I'm more often         
         a life of a party,

196
00:08:00,021 --> 00:08:03,483
kind of catering, and...      
       but it's good that way.

197
00:08:03,523 --> 00:08:05,401
You know, I get to be       
        kind of on the side.

198
00:08:05,443 --> 00:08:06,944
I get to be kind of involved    
             in that way

199
00:08:06,986 --> 00:08:08,946
and be myself           
        in that way as well.

200
00:08:08,988 --> 00:08:11,282
Just, you know,          
    earlier today, for instance,

201
00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:15,536
I got to the venue         
   about five or six hours early.

202
00:08:15,578 --> 00:08:17,872
And I was texting all of      
    the other performers, saying,

203
00:08:17,914 --> 00:08:19,957
"Hey, you know, who wants     
   to hang out and make memories,

204
00:08:19,999 --> 00:08:21,626
go to the Statue of Liberty,    
             whatever?"

205
00:08:21,667 --> 00:08:25,171
And...and, you know,        
     I was sending some really,

206
00:08:25,213 --> 00:08:27,089
really clever selfies       
          that kind of were

207
00:08:27,131 --> 00:08:29,675
very light-hearted.

208
00:08:29,717 --> 00:08:31,886
And, you know,           
        they didn't respond.

209
00:08:31,928 --> 00:08:33,804
They didn't respond at all,    
       which is totally fine.

210
00:08:33,846 --> 00:08:35,181
I'm kind of whatever about it,   
             vibing out.

211
00:08:35,223 --> 00:08:36,390
Still my own way.

212
00:08:36,432 --> 00:08:38,976
And...and, you know,        
             but for me,

213
00:08:39,018 --> 00:08:40,728
it's always, you know,       
        when people are mean

214
00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:41,687
or if they ignore you,       
    it's kind of like, you know,

215
00:08:41,729 --> 00:08:42,772
I'm rubber and you're glue.

216
00:08:42,813 --> 00:08:44,106
You put the glue on me,

217
00:08:44,148 --> 00:08:45,024
and I'm just kind of        
      going with it, you know.

218
00:08:45,066 --> 00:08:47,235
And so it's all kind of fun.

219
00:08:47,276 --> 00:08:48,653
It's all kind of fun, you know.

220
00:08:48,694 --> 00:08:49,987
And so I was here         
          for a few hours,

221
00:08:50,029 --> 00:08:51,030
just kind of doing         
            my own thing,

222
00:08:51,072 --> 00:08:52,406
kind of writing and thinking.

223
00:08:52,448 --> 00:08:55,409
And then I was crossing      
         the street outside,

224
00:08:55,451 --> 00:08:57,745
and I was in the middle      
           of the street.

225
00:08:57,787 --> 00:08:59,789
And I looked into the       
    restaurant across the street,

226
00:08:59,830 --> 00:09:01,582
and I saw all the performers    
             were there.

227
00:09:06,170 --> 00:09:07,504
And they were all there.

228
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:09,006
They were kind of sitting     
         together, laughing.

229
00:09:09,048 --> 00:09:10,716
And I was kind of watching     
    kind of going, "Yeah, okay."

230
00:09:12,927 --> 00:09:14,095
And it was just          
         this great moment.

231
00:09:14,136 --> 00:09:16,597
And then actually,         
            a car hit me.

232
00:09:17,306 --> 00:09:19,850
And it was going really fast,   
      and I was kind of going,

233
00:09:19,892 --> 00:09:22,603
"Ahh, whatever, you know."     
       It was not a big deal.

234
00:09:22,645 --> 00:09:24,480
I don't know why people make    
    such a big deal out of cars.

235
00:09:24,522 --> 00:09:26,857
It's whatever, and actually,    
     that car was going so fast,

236
00:09:26,899 --> 00:09:28,651
I was airborne for a long time.

237
00:09:28,693 --> 00:09:31,028
And I was thinking to myself,   
             I was like,

238
00:09:31,070 --> 00:09:32,405
"Oh, am I on a JetBlue flight?"

239
00:09:34,490 --> 00:09:36,117
And actually,           
         it was really fun.

240
00:09:36,158 --> 00:09:37,702
I just kind of got up       
   and, you know, my whole leg is,

241
00:09:37,743 --> 00:09:39,453
you know, purple like Barney.

242
00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:43,541
But, yeah, now I'm here      
    and just kind of having fun.

243
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:47,211
You know, I'm really        
      just enjoying the moment,

244
00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:49,380
doing my own thing up here,    
              you know.

245
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:52,091
When I was asked          
          to do this show,

246
00:09:52,133 --> 00:09:56,137
I felt so, so humble, you know.

247
00:09:56,178 --> 00:09:58,306
I was so grounded by that.

248
00:09:58,347 --> 00:09:59,432
I felt such humility.

249
00:09:59,473 --> 00:10:02,935
I was humiliated,         
           and, you know,

250
00:10:02,977 --> 00:10:05,229
'cause I'm not a traditional    
         stand-up, you know.

251
00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:06,480
I'm more...

252
00:10:08,858 --> 00:10:10,610
...you know,            
       I'm an experimental...

253
00:10:10,651 --> 00:10:13,321
I'm an experimental, yeah...    
         I'm an experimental

254
00:10:13,362 --> 00:10:15,156
kind of comic, you know.      
          I'm experimental,

255
00:10:15,197 --> 00:10:16,824
which means that everything    
       I do is an experiment,

256
00:10:16,866 --> 00:10:18,993
and the results are kind of,    
      you know, down the line.

257
00:10:21,162 --> 00:10:22,663
Oh, my God, you know,       
     I should introduce myself.

258
00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:25,583
I can't believe          
        I didn't say my name.

259
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:28,669
My name is Joe Castle Baker.

260
00:10:28,711 --> 00:10:31,380
I am 6'5",             
     just like Osama bin Laden.

261
00:10:36,218 --> 00:10:37,178
And believe it or not,

262
00:10:37,219 --> 00:10:39,055
I actually studied psychology

263
00:10:39,096 --> 00:10:40,264
in college.

264
00:10:42,183 --> 00:10:43,893
You know, not because I wanted   
       to work in a restaurant

265
00:10:43,934 --> 00:10:47,063
for the rest of my life, but...

266
00:10:47,104 --> 00:10:49,523
but because I really wanted    
        to understand people.

267
00:10:49,565 --> 00:10:51,692
I wanted to know why they do    
         the things they do.

268
00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:55,029
And also, because I wanted     
     to represent white gay men,

269
00:10:55,071 --> 00:10:56,530
you know.

270
00:10:56,572 --> 00:10:58,824
And so far,            
    I'm doing a really good job.

271
00:11:00,701 --> 00:11:04,538
But let's talk           
         about anal sex now.

272
00:11:04,580 --> 00:11:06,666
Over quarantine, I was watching

273
00:11:06,707 --> 00:11:11,337
a lot of, you know,        
        prestige gay movies.

274
00:11:11,379 --> 00:11:12,963
Typically, there's one       
     or two sex scenes in there.

275
00:11:13,004 --> 00:11:15,716
And I was kind of watching     
    one recently, and I realized,

276
00:11:15,758 --> 00:11:17,802
"Wait a minute.

277
00:11:17,843 --> 00:11:19,428
I don't like that."

278
00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:23,349
And I was trying to figure out   
             what is it

279
00:11:23,391 --> 00:11:24,809
that I don't like about them,

280
00:11:24,850 --> 00:11:26,477
so I was watching them       
        over and over again.

281
00:11:29,605 --> 00:11:32,525
And then it really         
       dawned on me, you know,

282
00:11:32,566 --> 00:11:34,568
right before they start,      
              you know,

283
00:11:34,610 --> 00:11:37,405
F-U-C-K-I-N-G,

284
00:11:37,446 --> 00:11:39,907
the top goes like this,

285
00:11:39,949 --> 00:11:43,369
like he's checking         
      where the wind is going.

286
00:11:43,411 --> 00:11:47,540
And that's all the lube      
              he uses.

287
00:11:47,581 --> 00:11:50,084
And he just dives right in,    
           and, you know,

288
00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:53,087
you don't have to be a gay man   
   to know what anal sex is like.

289
00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:55,673
You can also be          
   an adult brave girl, you know?

290
00:12:01,429 --> 00:12:03,013
And so I've been thinking     
         about this in terms

291
00:12:03,055 --> 00:12:05,683
of, you know, my acting      
   and how I approach sex scenes,

292
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,393
'cause I know           
         they're gonna come.

293
00:12:07,435 --> 00:12:10,855
And one of the things that     
     I was thinking about a lot

294
00:12:10,896 --> 00:12:13,941
is the scene            
      where you get head, okay?

295
00:12:13,983 --> 00:12:15,276
You know the scene:        
       there's one head here,

296
00:12:15,317 --> 00:12:16,944
one head here,           
      and that head goes down,

297
00:12:16,986 --> 00:12:20,030
meaning there's head, right?

298
00:12:20,072 --> 00:12:21,907
And this actor up in frame,

299
00:12:21,949 --> 00:12:23,534
he's actually not getting head.

300
00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:25,035
That's something          
        I found out recently.

301
00:12:25,077 --> 00:12:29,290
So it's the actor's job

302
00:12:29,331 --> 00:12:32,460
to really convey it        
           with his face.

303
00:12:33,627 --> 00:12:35,045
I don't know.

304
00:12:36,505 --> 00:12:37,923
I'm just thinking to myself,

305
00:12:37,965 --> 00:12:40,134
"Well, I don't even know      
       what my face looks like

306
00:12:40,176 --> 00:12:43,304
when I'm getting head--yet."

307
00:12:45,389 --> 00:12:48,309
So I was getting oral sex.

308
00:12:51,854 --> 00:12:53,564
And I pull out...

309
00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:57,985
...a small hand mirror.

310
00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:03,282
And I'm just kind of        
           looking at it,

311
00:13:03,324 --> 00:13:05,159
just kind of studying myself,   
      kind of watching myself.

312
00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:06,494
No judgement, you know.

313
00:13:08,078 --> 00:13:09,163
[audience member] You know.

314
00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:12,875
And I was learning a lot.

315
00:13:12,917 --> 00:13:14,418
And I was kind of becoming     
           a better actor

316
00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:16,170
by the second, really.

317
00:13:18,379 --> 00:13:19,757
And it was at that moment

318
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:22,092
that the guy            
     who was performing on me...

319
00:13:24,845 --> 00:13:27,264
...he goes,            
   "What the hell are you doing?"

320
00:13:30,893 --> 00:13:32,311
And I put the hand mirror away,

321
00:13:32,353 --> 00:13:35,773
and I look down          
      at who was down there...

322
00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,191
and I realized           
       that it was none other

323
00:13:37,233 --> 00:13:39,026
than Timothée Chalamet.

324
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:50,371
I was blown away.         
          I was blown away.

325
00:13:55,417 --> 00:13:56,919
Unfortunately,           
      the rest of what happened

326
00:13:56,961 --> 00:13:59,171
is hidden behind an NDA.

327
00:14:02,716 --> 00:14:04,218
I'm really well known       
         for my transitions,

328
00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:06,554
and that whole thing        
     kinda reminded me of this.

329
00:14:09,723 --> 00:14:12,768
I am not the only person in my   
    family who's in the business.

330
00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:14,937
And this is something I don't   
    really talk about very often,

331
00:14:14,979 --> 00:14:19,191
but my mother is the mom on    
     the show   Home Improvement.

332
00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:21,110
Have you seen that show?      
     Yeah, you're gasping away.

333
00:14:21,151 --> 00:14:22,903
Keep it down, please.

334
00:14:24,363 --> 00:14:26,407
But she is.            
     She's the mom on that show.

335
00:14:26,448 --> 00:14:30,536
And so a lot of people ask me   
     if she, as a mother to me,

336
00:14:30,578 --> 00:14:32,079
was like the mom on that show.

337
00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:34,206
And she was, you know,       
         a little different.

338
00:14:34,248 --> 00:14:36,083
She was still a great mom,     
        like on the TV show.

339
00:14:36,125 --> 00:14:37,668
But it was very different     
             in person.

340
00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:39,753
Like, you know, like,       
           this one time,

341
00:14:39,795 --> 00:14:42,715
I was asking her          
   if I could have a party, like,

342
00:14:42,756 --> 00:14:44,675
at the house when,         
      you know, I was younger.

343
00:14:44,717 --> 00:14:46,218
I was asking,           
       "Can we have a party?"

344
00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:47,553
Then we were fighting back     
         and forth about it.

345
00:14:47,595 --> 00:14:49,889
And she won the fight       
            just totally

346
00:14:49,930 --> 00:14:51,223
because she looked at me      
          and she was like,

347
00:14:51,265 --> 00:14:54,059
"Joe, I don't want people     
       in my house, drinking,

348
00:14:54,101 --> 00:14:57,104
drugging, sucking,         
      and fucking each other!"

349
00:15:02,109 --> 00:15:04,278
I was eight,            
        so there was this...

350
00:15:06,196 --> 00:15:08,449
It was kind of confusing.

351
00:15:10,784 --> 00:15:12,536
But I do have, like,        
       a lot of fond memories

352
00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:14,496
of being on the set        
    of that show, like, as a kid.

353
00:15:14,538 --> 00:15:16,498
Like, I had my first kiss

354
00:15:16,540 --> 00:15:18,876
on the set             
         of   Home Improvement

355
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:20,836
with Tim Allen, you know.

356
00:15:24,131 --> 00:15:25,758
He's so dreamy.

357
00:15:28,302 --> 00:15:29,803
But I do shy away         
       from talking about this

358
00:15:29,845 --> 00:15:33,390
because of the whole nepotism   
          thing, you know.

359
00:15:33,432 --> 00:15:35,309
Nepotism is one of the hardest   
   things that can happen to you,

360
00:15:35,351 --> 00:15:36,977
you know.

361
00:15:39,647 --> 00:15:41,774
And truth is I am         
        such a success story.

362
00:15:41,815 --> 00:15:43,901
You know what I mean?       
         Just the other day,

363
00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:45,903
I was actually           
      responding to a $25 Cameo

364
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:47,488
from a diaper fetishist

365
00:15:47,529 --> 00:15:50,616
who told me that porn       
   doesn't do it for him anymore.

366
00:15:50,658 --> 00:15:52,826
And I had to look at myself    
         and say, you know,

367
00:15:52,868 --> 00:15:56,872
"Joe, don't let this get      
      to your head, you know?"

368
00:15:58,207 --> 00:16:02,753
But what's really special is    
    that my mom is also on Cameo,

369
00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:05,714
which is the sign of a family   
      at the top of their game.

370
00:16:10,427 --> 00:16:14,014
Well, I'm actually...

371
00:16:14,056 --> 00:16:15,683
I probably should get going.

372
00:16:19,186 --> 00:16:21,772
No, really, I should get--     
   I should go home at this point.

373
00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:24,566
But there's one thing I wanted   
       to say really quickly.

374
00:16:24,608 --> 00:16:26,777
And also, I put a burrito     
          in the microwave.

375
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:28,320
It should be warm         
           by now at home.

376
00:16:29,947 --> 00:16:32,491
But I wanted to tell you guys   
               a story

377
00:16:32,533 --> 00:16:36,495
of the story of how        
      I came out of the closet

378
00:16:36,537 --> 00:16:38,871
as a gay man.

379
00:16:38,914 --> 00:16:40,249
Don't laugh.

380
00:16:47,380 --> 00:16:49,133
And it's really serious,      
              you know.

381
00:16:49,174 --> 00:16:50,967
It's a really serious story.

382
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:52,886
So if you cry, that's fine.

383
00:16:55,264 --> 00:16:56,724
And I know             
        there are some people

384
00:16:56,765 --> 00:16:58,392
in the audience--         
    I don't wanna point to them.

385
00:16:58,434 --> 00:17:00,769
But there are some people...    
        there are some people

386
00:17:00,811 --> 00:17:02,563
in the audience          
       who clearly, you know,

387
00:17:02,604 --> 00:17:04,314
they're struggling with their   
     sexuality still, you know.

388
00:17:04,356 --> 00:17:07,943
They're not ready         
        to say things, and...

389
00:17:07,985 --> 00:17:09,486
but I know that after       
           they hear this,

390
00:17:09,528 --> 00:17:12,072
they will come out         
         almost immediately.

391
00:17:15,743 --> 00:17:18,412
So here we go.

392
00:17:18,454 --> 00:17:20,706
I sit my mom down...

393
00:17:22,332 --> 00:17:24,209
...and I say to her, "Mom!

394
00:17:24,251 --> 00:17:26,003
Sit down! Shut up!

395
00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:27,629
And listen to me!

396
00:17:27,671 --> 00:17:31,467
I have something to say!      
             I am gay!"

397
00:17:33,927 --> 00:17:35,137
And my mom looks at me       
            and she says,

398
00:17:35,179 --> 00:17:38,057
"Joe, guess what.         
           You are my son.

399
00:17:38,098 --> 00:17:42,644
And I will love you        
        till the day I die!"

400
00:17:42,686 --> 00:17:45,147
I say, "Thank you, Mom.      
            I love you!"

401
00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:52,029
Then I go to my dad.        
       I say, "Dad! Sit down!

402
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:55,699
Shut the fuck up!         
          And listen to me!

403
00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:57,618
I have something to say!

404
00:17:57,659 --> 00:17:59,536
I am gay!"

405
00:18:00,954 --> 00:18:03,624
And he says, "Guess what.

406
00:18:05,459 --> 00:18:06,543
I love it.

407
00:18:06,585 --> 00:18:07,586
And you know what else?

408
00:18:07,628 --> 00:18:09,713
Gay sex is natural.

409
00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:13,550
I don't care if it's licking,   
     sucking, fucking, rimming.

410
00:18:13,592 --> 00:18:17,262
You're gonna do it all,      
    and you're starting tonight."

411
00:18:17,304 --> 00:18:20,516
I say, "Thank you, Dad.      
            I love you."

412
00:18:20,557 --> 00:18:22,142
Then I go             
      to the school principal.

413
00:18:22,184 --> 00:18:24,686
I walk right in.

414
00:18:24,728 --> 00:18:26,688
I say, "Sit down, shut up,     
          and listen to me!

415
00:18:26,730 --> 00:18:31,485
I have something to say!      
             I am gay!"

416
00:18:31,527 --> 00:18:32,945
And the principal looks at me,   
            and he says,

417
00:18:32,986 --> 00:18:35,447
"You better leave this office

418
00:18:35,489 --> 00:18:38,617
and walk back in          
     with your head held high...

419
00:18:41,662 --> 00:18:44,373
...'cause there's no way      
        I'm letting a student

420
00:18:44,414 --> 00:18:47,126
at my school

421
00:18:47,167 --> 00:18:50,254
be ashamed in their own skin!"

422
00:18:50,295 --> 00:18:52,256
I say, "Thank you. I love you."

423
00:18:56,510 --> 00:18:59,972
Then I go to the town square,   
                okay?

424
00:19:00,013 --> 00:19:01,140
They're in the middle       
       of a town hall meeting

425
00:19:01,181 --> 00:19:03,183
with Mr. Mayor.

426
00:19:03,225 --> 00:19:04,518
I walk right up to the podium.

427
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:06,812
I say, "Sit down, shut up,     
          and listen to me!

428
00:19:06,854 --> 00:19:08,021
I have something to say!

429
00:19:08,063 --> 00:19:09,523
I am gay!"

430
00:19:11,942 --> 00:19:13,819
And the mayor           
        slams the gavel down.

431
00:19:13,861 --> 00:19:16,113
I'll never forget it.

432
00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:19,658
And he walks right up to me,

433
00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:24,371
and he gives me an open-mouth   
      French kiss on the lips.

434
00:19:30,794 --> 00:19:32,546
That was Eric Adams,        
             by the way.

435
00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:37,885
And that's my coming out story.

436
00:19:37,926 --> 00:19:40,345
You guys have been so great.    
        I'm Joe Castle Baker.

437
00:19:40,387 --> 00:19:43,182
Have a nice night.

438
00:19:43,223 --> 00:19:45,851
Let's hear it one more time    
        for Joe Castle Baker.

439
00:19:45,893 --> 00:19:48,770
[cheers and applause]

440
00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:57,654
Wouldn't it be nice if people   
      didn't have to come out?

441
00:19:57,696 --> 00:19:58,739
Getting a little serious here.

442
00:19:58,780 --> 00:20:00,490
But, you know, comedy is drama.

443
00:20:00,532 --> 00:20:02,242
Drama is comedy.          
         I think it's lovely

444
00:20:02,284 --> 00:20:04,077
that you meet people        
    who didn't actually come out.

445
00:20:04,119 --> 00:20:05,996
They're young enough        
    where there wasn't an issue,

446
00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:07,873
and they didn't have a coming   
    out story like every sort of,

447
00:20:07,915 --> 00:20:10,083
as he said,            
       every gay person does.

448
00:20:10,125 --> 00:20:11,376
I always think

449
00:20:11,418 --> 00:20:12,836
it's fascinating          
      when people get together

450
00:20:12,878 --> 00:20:14,338
and they all tell         
      their coming out stories,

451
00:20:14,379 --> 00:20:15,923
and also when people say      
         to you things like,

452
00:20:15,964 --> 00:20:19,426
you know, "When did you know?   
       When did you first know

453
00:20:19,468 --> 00:20:21,011
that you were,           
        you know, whatever?"

454
00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:24,348
And I always say, "When did    
    you know you were straight?"

455
00:20:24,389 --> 00:20:27,434
And we don't laugh.

456
00:20:27,476 --> 00:20:28,936
But this is a comedy show,

457
00:20:28,977 --> 00:20:30,979
so let's have somebody funny    
            for a change.

458
00:20:31,021 --> 00:20:33,607
Please say hello          
         to Julia Shiplett.

459
00:20:33,649 --> 00:20:36,568
[cheers and applause]

460
00:20:41,531 --> 00:20:44,284
Thank you.

461
00:20:44,326 --> 00:20:46,995
Hello. Hello.

462
00:20:47,037 --> 00:20:50,916
Oh, my God.            
      I'm so happy to be here.

463
00:20:50,958 --> 00:20:51,917
Oh, my God.

464
00:20:51,959 --> 00:20:53,293
Can I first do an impression

465
00:20:53,335 --> 00:20:54,962
I've just been working       
       really hard on lately?

466
00:20:55,003 --> 00:20:56,171
Is that okay? Okay.

467
00:20:56,213 --> 00:20:57,381
-[clears throat]          
      -[audience member] Whoo!

468
00:20:59,466 --> 00:21:00,759
Yes.

469
00:21:00,801 --> 00:21:02,970
If you don't give me a massage   
          before dinner...

470
00:21:03,011 --> 00:21:04,304
[chuckles]

471
00:21:04,346 --> 00:21:05,973
...I swear to God,

472
00:21:06,014 --> 00:21:09,726
I'm gonna ruin this whole     
     fucking meal for everyone!

473
00:21:09,768 --> 00:21:11,728
Thank you. That was kale.

474
00:21:11,770 --> 00:21:13,230
Anyway...

475
00:21:22,364 --> 00:21:25,784
Isn't it wild how much       
        the world has changed

476
00:21:25,826 --> 00:21:27,744
the past few years?

477
00:21:27,786 --> 00:21:28,954
-[audience member] Yeah.      
          -Hot take, sorry.

478
00:21:28,996 --> 00:21:31,331
But I just...

479
00:21:31,373 --> 00:21:34,960
some of our lives just look    
      so different than before.

480
00:21:35,002 --> 00:21:36,753
Not me, though,          
         but I have friends

481
00:21:36,795 --> 00:21:39,047
who, you know,           
     they're starting families.

482
00:21:39,089 --> 00:21:40,674
They're having their first kid.

483
00:21:40,716 --> 00:21:43,218
And I wanna be           
         supportive of them.

484
00:21:43,260 --> 00:21:45,137
But every time           
          one of my friends

485
00:21:45,178 --> 00:21:47,681
tells me they're pregnant now,   
      I can't help but be like,

486
00:21:47,723 --> 00:21:49,933
"Look, we'll take care       
           of this, okay?

487
00:21:51,852 --> 00:21:53,687
New York is the last place     
          Roe's gonna fall.

488
00:21:53,729 --> 00:21:56,565
We have time, you know?"

489
00:21:56,606 --> 00:21:57,983
And then they remind me,

490
00:21:58,025 --> 00:22:00,902
"Julia, I'm a married lesbian   
             doing IVF.

491
00:22:00,944 --> 00:22:03,697
This is a choice I made, okay?"

492
00:22:05,157 --> 00:22:06,575
And I'm like,           
    "Yeah, well, you're only 34.

493
00:22:06,616 --> 00:22:08,118
So I hope you're ready       
         to be a teen mom."

494
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:09,411
Yeah.

495
00:22:12,581 --> 00:22:15,709
Don't ask me to babysit.      
       I just...I don't know.

496
00:22:15,751 --> 00:22:16,710
People became           
         a lot of different

497
00:22:16,752 --> 00:22:17,878
types of parents too.

498
00:22:17,919 --> 00:22:20,297
People became baby parents,

499
00:22:20,339 --> 00:22:22,174
pet parents.

500
00:22:22,215 --> 00:22:25,135
You know, I-I got a few plants,

501
00:22:25,177 --> 00:22:26,803
but I still don't feel       
         responsible enough

502
00:22:26,845 --> 00:22:29,389
to call myself           
       a plant mom, you know?

503
00:22:29,431 --> 00:22:32,893
Even when it comes to flora,    
    I can't commit to motherhood.

504
00:22:32,934 --> 00:22:34,644
Yeah, I would say         
         I'm more of, like,

505
00:22:34,686 --> 00:22:37,731
a fun plant aunt, you know.    
    I just sort of, like, show up

506
00:22:37,773 --> 00:22:40,817
and take care of them       
      whenever I'm in the mood.

507
00:22:40,859 --> 00:22:42,194
A lot of my nephews are dead.

508
00:22:42,235 --> 00:22:46,740
It is...it's a lot         
         of weekly funerals.

509
00:22:49,951 --> 00:22:52,913
But I probably am older      
           than you think.

510
00:22:52,954 --> 00:22:54,456
I still get a lot of auditions

511
00:22:54,498 --> 00:22:57,042
for the roles of high       
     schoolers, high schoolers.

512
00:22:57,084 --> 00:22:58,418
And I think that's what happens

513
00:22:58,460 --> 00:22:59,795
when you look like         
         a tween cosplaying

514
00:22:59,836 --> 00:23:00,921
as a creative director.

515
00:23:00,962 --> 00:23:05,467
But I am in my 30s.

516
00:23:05,509 --> 00:23:07,010
I'm well into my 30s.

517
00:23:07,052 --> 00:23:09,054
And never once have        
      I gotten close to booking

518
00:23:09,096 --> 00:23:10,764
the role of a high schooler

519
00:23:10,806 --> 00:23:13,308
'cause apparently, Hollywood    
     doesn't want a 17-year-old

520
00:23:13,350 --> 00:23:15,060
with the energy          
       of a two-time divorcee.

521
00:23:15,102 --> 00:23:18,730
I don't know why.

522
00:23:18,772 --> 00:23:21,274
But I don't know.

523
00:23:21,316 --> 00:23:22,776
I don't wanna play         
          a high schooler.

524
00:23:22,818 --> 00:23:25,278
But what I am desperate      
      to be cast in, you guys,

525
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:26,863
is a period drama.

526
00:23:26,905 --> 00:23:29,449
Ahh. Do you love          
       a period drama in here?

527
00:23:29,491 --> 00:23:31,451
Oh, my God, they're so--

528
00:23:31,493 --> 00:23:34,287
the one thing I want        
            in this life

529
00:23:34,329 --> 00:23:36,289
is to have my teeny,        
             little tits

530
00:23:36,331 --> 00:23:39,626
spilling out of a corset,     
       illuminated by candle.

531
00:23:39,668 --> 00:23:42,254
That's all I want.         
     That's all I fucking want.

532
00:23:42,295 --> 00:23:44,256
And I'll play anything.      
         I'll play a noble.

533
00:23:44,297 --> 00:23:45,966
I'll play a serf.         
      I'll play the town wench.

534
00:23:46,007 --> 00:23:47,801
I don't care.           
         I don't, you know.

535
00:23:47,843 --> 00:23:49,594
If there's feudalism involved,   
             I want in.

536
00:23:49,636 --> 00:23:52,139
That's how I feel.         
         That's how I feel.

537
00:23:52,180 --> 00:23:56,184
But I was told that I may seem   
      a little too contemporary

538
00:23:56,226 --> 00:23:57,644
for those types of roles,

539
00:23:57,686 --> 00:23:59,604
which I don't think is fair,    
              you know.

540
00:23:59,646 --> 00:24:02,315
That's just code for, "We     
    don't know what race you are.

541
00:24:04,568 --> 00:24:06,611
And you talk like         
           a dumb bitch."

542
00:24:08,864 --> 00:24:10,949
No, I disagree. You know why?

543
00:24:10,991 --> 00:24:14,244
I think that audiences       
          are ready to meet

544
00:24:14,286 --> 00:24:16,997
an 18th-century housekeeper    
           with vocal fry.

545
00:24:22,419 --> 00:24:25,505
I think viewers are hungry

546
00:24:25,547 --> 00:24:28,675
for an ethnically         
          ambiguous duchess

547
00:24:28,717 --> 00:24:30,510
whose voice goes up        
    at the end of every sentence.

548
00:24:30,552 --> 00:24:32,471
You know what I mean?

549
00:24:32,512 --> 00:24:34,347
And to prove            
     that right here right now,

550
00:24:34,389 --> 00:24:37,309
I would just love to do      
      a quick, quick monologue

551
00:24:37,350 --> 00:24:39,019
from the classic novel       
          and film for you,

552
00:24:39,060 --> 00:24:40,353
Pride and Prejudice.

553
00:24:40,395 --> 00:24:41,646
Is that okay?

554
00:24:41,688 --> 00:24:44,691
Yeah, thank you.

555
00:24:44,733 --> 00:24:45,859
Hollywood, if you're here,

556
00:24:45,901 --> 00:24:47,110
consider this           
         my formal audition

557
00:24:47,152 --> 00:24:48,862
for your next period drama.

558
00:24:48,904 --> 00:24:50,530
And, everybody else,        
     pretend I'm Keira Knightley

559
00:24:50,572 --> 00:24:51,698
talking to Tom from   Succession.

560
00:24:51,740 --> 00:24:52,866
Okay. [clears throat]

561
00:24:57,704 --> 00:24:59,873
And those are the words      
           of a gentleman?

562
00:24:59,915 --> 00:25:00,707
[scoffs]

563
00:25:07,714 --> 00:25:09,883
From the moment I met you...

564
00:25:15,263 --> 00:25:19,226
...your arrogance,         
           your conceit...

565
00:25:20,936 --> 00:25:25,440
...your selfish disdain      
     for the feelings of others

566
00:25:25,482 --> 00:25:27,025
made me realize that you are

567
00:25:27,067 --> 00:25:31,530
the last...

568
00:25:31,571 --> 00:25:35,742
man in the world

569
00:25:35,784 --> 00:25:38,203
I could ever be          
      prevailed upon to marry.

570
00:25:38,245 --> 00:25:39,579
Thank you so much. Thank you.

571
00:25:39,621 --> 00:25:40,664
Thank you.

572
00:25:45,418 --> 00:25:47,212
My passport's up to date

573
00:25:47,254 --> 00:25:48,255
in case              
      we're shooting in Europe.

574
00:25:48,296 --> 00:25:50,840
I, um...

575
00:25:50,882 --> 00:25:52,884
By the way,            
      I'm half Chinese, in case

576
00:25:52,926 --> 00:25:56,221
you're trying to figure      
       this out a little bit.

577
00:25:56,263 --> 00:25:58,765
A lot of times, people are     
    surprised by that, you know.

578
00:25:58,807 --> 00:26:01,476
They'll say things like,      
           "Half Chinese?

579
00:26:01,518 --> 00:26:03,228
I would have never         
            guessed that.

580
00:26:03,270 --> 00:26:04,854
I would have never         
           guessed that."

581
00:26:04,896 --> 00:26:06,940
And it's like, "Sir,        
    no one asked you to do that."

582
00:26:06,982 --> 00:26:08,817
You don't...

583
00:26:08,858 --> 00:26:11,111
No, you could simply not know,   
              you know?

584
00:26:17,033 --> 00:26:21,496
Quietly wonder           
   until it comes up organically.

585
00:26:21,538 --> 00:26:23,748
But I don't know, I think     
      that's what happens a lot

586
00:26:23,790 --> 00:26:25,375
when you're mixed or biracial.

587
00:26:25,417 --> 00:26:27,627
People are just kind of      
    curious about you sometimes,

588
00:26:27,669 --> 00:26:29,462
especially in this country.

589
00:26:29,504 --> 00:26:32,632
Like someone once told me that   
     I have the face of America.

590
00:26:32,674 --> 00:26:34,175
[chuckles]

591
00:26:34,217 --> 00:26:35,969
Oh, Ferrera.            
       Sorry, America Ferrera.

592
00:26:36,011 --> 00:26:38,346
Just to be clear.

593
00:26:38,388 --> 00:26:40,849
I see it. I do see it.       
             [chuckles]

594
00:26:42,684 --> 00:26:44,311
I'm biracial.

595
00:26:44,352 --> 00:26:47,981
I am also bi...myself.       
           I'm by myself.

596
00:26:48,023 --> 00:26:51,943
I'm single. Sorry.

597
00:26:51,985 --> 00:26:53,111
-[audience member] I love you.   
            -I'm single.

598
00:26:53,153 --> 00:26:54,654
Um, I don't know.

599
00:26:54,696 --> 00:26:56,906
Personally, I identify as horny

600
00:26:56,948 --> 00:26:58,992
for anyone hot           
       who might ruin my life.

601
00:26:59,034 --> 00:27:03,413
That's what I put in the forms.

602
00:27:03,455 --> 00:27:04,873
I feel like everybody       
             is bi now.

603
00:27:04,914 --> 00:27:06,708
It's kinda--everyone's--like,

604
00:27:06,750 --> 00:27:10,378
you are all bi to me        
    until you tell me otherwise.

605
00:27:10,420 --> 00:27:11,838
And even when you do,       
            I'll be like,

606
00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:15,800
"We'll see about that."      
             It's great.

607
00:27:15,842 --> 00:27:18,178
I hope we keep going        
         in that direction.

608
00:27:18,219 --> 00:27:20,722
But it's kind of getting      
      almost a little expected,

609
00:27:20,764 --> 00:27:22,974
a little boring in a way,     
              you know.

610
00:27:23,016 --> 00:27:25,435
I feel like bisexuality      
    has sort of become the, like,

611
00:27:25,477 --> 00:27:28,688
"I like everything but country" 
            of sexuality.

612
00:27:33,735 --> 00:27:35,236
Country being men         
         who wear sunglasses

613
00:27:35,278 --> 00:27:36,154
on the back of their head.

614
00:27:36,196 --> 00:27:38,531
Nobody...nobody wants that.

615
00:27:42,827 --> 00:27:46,373
I think-I think I knew       
       that I wasn't straight

616
00:27:46,414 --> 00:27:47,791
for a long time,

617
00:27:47,832 --> 00:27:50,543
but I only started dating women 
          and queer people

618
00:27:50,585 --> 00:27:51,961
a few years ago.

619
00:27:52,003 --> 00:27:55,882
And I gotta say,          
           it is also bad.

620
00:27:57,759 --> 00:28:02,222
Yeah, there, I said it.      
          I said it, okay?

621
00:28:04,307 --> 00:28:06,142
It's different

622
00:28:06,184 --> 00:28:09,396
but also not good, you know?

623
00:28:09,437 --> 00:28:10,897
I don't know. I don't know.

624
00:28:10,939 --> 00:28:13,983
But I will say,          
      I feel like I'm so happy

625
00:28:14,025 --> 00:28:16,236
that people are coming out     
       at such early ages now

626
00:28:16,277 --> 00:28:19,197
and exploring           
    their sexuality much sooner.

627
00:28:19,239 --> 00:28:20,865
But I also love when people

628
00:28:20,907 --> 00:28:22,992
who are older come out       
         much later in life.

629
00:28:23,034 --> 00:28:25,912
Like, do you know         
      who came out as bisexual

630
00:28:25,954 --> 00:28:28,957
for the first time ever      
     last year at the age of 59?

631
00:28:30,083 --> 00:28:31,501
Carole Baskin.

632
00:28:31,543 --> 00:28:32,544
Yeah.

633
00:28:33,795 --> 00:28:36,715
Carole Baskin.

634
00:28:36,756 --> 00:28:38,174
Remember her?

635
00:28:38,216 --> 00:28:41,094
Arch nemesis...          
     arch nemesis of Joe Exotic,

636
00:28:41,136 --> 00:28:42,804
the tiger queen herself,

637
00:28:42,846 --> 00:28:46,141
bi icon, bicon Carole Baskin.

638
00:28:48,059 --> 00:28:51,396
And I can't think of anything   
        more violently queer

639
00:28:51,438 --> 00:28:53,857
than feeding your husband     
            to your cat.

640
00:28:53,898 --> 00:28:55,275
That's...

641
00:28:56,901 --> 00:28:58,820
Wow. Wow.

642
00:29:00,655 --> 00:29:01,906
Murder by feline.

643
00:29:01,948 --> 00:29:05,285
Very gay, very gay.

644
00:29:05,326 --> 00:29:07,287
[sighs]              
    You guys have been wonderful.

645
00:29:07,328 --> 00:29:08,496
Thank you so much         
           for having me.

646
00:29:08,538 --> 00:29:10,999
I'm gonna do            
        one quick impression,

647
00:29:11,040 --> 00:29:12,459
if that's okay, one more.

648
00:29:23,970 --> 00:29:25,346
[audience member] Whoo!

649
00:29:25,388 --> 00:29:27,098
Thank you.             
    That's an educational TikTok

650
00:29:27,140 --> 00:29:29,392
about alternatives to       
   the prison industrial complex.

651
00:29:29,434 --> 00:29:30,769
I'm Julia Shiplett.

652
00:29:30,810 --> 00:29:32,395
Thank you so much.

653
00:29:32,437 --> 00:29:35,315
[cheers and applause]

654
00:29:39,819 --> 00:29:44,365
We're going to have some      
     la dance   now, everybody, yes.

655
00:29:44,407 --> 00:29:45,742
Club Cumming is very small,    
            but we still,

656
00:29:45,784 --> 00:29:47,786
we have had dance         
    quite often at Club Cumming.

657
00:29:47,827 --> 00:29:49,788
Once, the entire cast of   Cats

658
00:29:49,829 --> 00:29:52,081
came on their Monday night off   
      and did the   Jellicle Ball

659
00:29:52,123 --> 00:29:53,374
at Club Cumming.

660
00:29:53,416 --> 00:29:55,919
That's not a euphemism.

661
00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:58,129
No, funny I should set up--    
         'cause I just did--

662
00:29:58,171 --> 00:30:00,840
because we're going to see     
      some people who are going

663
00:30:00,882 --> 00:30:03,092
to bring tap back         
    into the queer comedy world,

664
00:30:03,134 --> 00:30:05,845
where it has been         
           sorely missed.

665
00:30:05,887 --> 00:30:10,350
Please give it up for       
    Zach Teague and Drew Lausch.

666
00:30:10,391 --> 00:30:13,269
[cheers and applause]

667
00:30:15,522 --> 00:30:17,023
-Hello, hello.           
               -Hello.

668
00:30:17,065 --> 00:30:20,193
How are we doing? Oh.

669
00:30:22,987 --> 00:30:24,531
God fucking damn it.

670
00:30:24,572 --> 00:30:27,116
Do I have whale tail?

671
00:30:27,158 --> 00:30:28,701
-Okay, good.            
              -You do.

672
00:30:28,743 --> 00:30:30,328
Oh, my God, you look amazing.

673
00:30:30,370 --> 00:30:32,664
So happy to be up here       
      with my BFF in the world.

674
00:30:32,705 --> 00:30:34,082
Um...[laughs]

675
00:30:34,123 --> 00:30:35,667
In the world, in this world.

676
00:30:35,708 --> 00:30:38,503
Anyway, hi. I'm Zach Teague.

677
00:30:38,545 --> 00:30:40,380
And I'm Drew Lausch.

678
00:30:40,421 --> 00:30:43,341
[both] And we're twins.

679
00:30:43,383 --> 00:30:45,510
Which one of us          
        has the astigmatism?

680
00:30:47,428 --> 00:30:48,888
Sorry, twins            
        with sexual tension.

681
00:30:48,930 --> 00:30:50,431
A lot of sexual tension.

682
00:30:50,473 --> 00:30:51,724
It's a really great commercial,

683
00:30:51,766 --> 00:30:52,725
those two blonde girls.

684
00:30:52,767 --> 00:30:55,270
[laughs] They're so cute.

685
00:30:55,311 --> 00:30:57,730
Oh, my gosh, you know,       
     but a little fact about us.

686
00:30:57,772 --> 00:30:58,773
I'm from Texas.

687
00:30:58,815 --> 00:31:00,608
And I'm from North Dakota.

688
00:31:00,650 --> 00:31:02,610
But something we          
          have in common...

689
00:31:02,652 --> 00:31:05,113
[both]               
   We've both fucked Phil Collins.

690
00:31:05,154 --> 00:31:07,740
[cheers and applause]

691
00:31:07,782 --> 00:31:11,035
Duh-dunk, duh-dunk, duh-dunk,   
          dah-dah-dah-dah.

692
00:31:11,077 --> 00:31:12,579
-Great guy. Great guy.       
      -[Drew] And you could say

693
00:31:12,620 --> 00:31:14,581
he left a part of himself     
            inside of us.

694
00:31:14,622 --> 00:31:16,541
Or you could say          
         he planted a seed.

695
00:31:16,583 --> 00:31:17,876
A seed of...

696
00:31:17,917 --> 00:31:19,085
-Cum.               
               -Music.

697
00:31:19,127 --> 00:31:21,379
-Oh, cum.             
               -Music.

698
00:31:21,421 --> 00:31:22,922
Oh. Okay.

699
00:31:22,964 --> 00:31:27,218
[both]    Cum

700
00:31:27,260 --> 00:31:28,094
I have chills.           
         Do you have chills?

701
00:31:28,136 --> 00:31:29,345
Thank you. I have chills.

702
00:31:29,387 --> 00:31:30,597
I have chills.           
         Do you have chills?

703
00:31:30,638 --> 00:31:31,723
Is it weird            
      that I don't have elbows?

704
00:31:31,764 --> 00:31:33,600
Are you a nurse? [laughs]

705
00:31:33,641 --> 00:31:37,020
Um, everything you see up here   
      is very highbrow comedy.

706
00:31:37,061 --> 00:31:38,438
We've written it          
           down precisely.

707
00:31:38,479 --> 00:31:40,940
Yes, we journal together      
         every night, okay?

708
00:31:40,982 --> 00:31:42,609
Literally.             
      Very well-crafted jokes.

709
00:31:42,650 --> 00:31:45,653
But we're gonna do a little    
       song and dance for you

710
00:31:45,695 --> 00:31:47,238
because we're both failed

711
00:31:47,280 --> 00:31:50,658
musical theatre majors       
           with no outlet.

712
00:31:50,700 --> 00:31:54,329
Yes, and you could say that    
   this song is our origin story.

713
00:31:54,370 --> 00:31:56,289
So it all started--        
      Drew was wearing a bonnet

714
00:31:56,331 --> 00:31:58,666
in a field and--oh, sorry,

715
00:31:58,708 --> 00:32:00,293
this is for another time.

716
00:32:00,335 --> 00:32:00,960
-That's for another time.     
   -Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

717
00:32:01,002 --> 00:32:02,128
I'm sorry. Okay, so no.

718
00:32:02,170 --> 00:32:03,338
This is our origin story

719
00:32:03,379 --> 00:32:05,298
based on two straight guys

720
00:32:05,340 --> 00:32:06,799
editing their film         
           in Adobe Suite.

721
00:32:06,841 --> 00:32:09,969
Um, I think you guys are      
       really gonna like this.

722
00:32:10,011 --> 00:32:11,262
Um, and...

723
00:32:11,304 --> 00:32:12,639
[both] Hit it!

724
00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:15,558
dramatic music playing

725
00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:17,435
CNN.

726
00:32:24,192 --> 00:32:26,986
My name is Zach

727
00:32:27,028 --> 00:32:29,155
My name is Drew

728
00:32:29,197 --> 00:32:31,282
That's right.

729
00:32:31,324 --> 00:32:33,826
[both]    Boo body, boo body

730
00:32:33,868 --> 00:32:38,665
Boo body, boo

731
00:32:38,706 --> 00:32:40,500
[glasses clink]

732
00:32:40,541 --> 00:32:43,169
DJ, put it in our ass.

733
00:32:43,211 --> 00:32:45,630
club music playing

734
00:32:45,672 --> 00:32:47,507
Don't own a cardigan?

735
00:32:47,548 --> 00:32:48,883
Buy one.

736
00:32:48,925 --> 00:32:50,843
Don't know what a cardigan is?

737
00:32:52,261 --> 00:32:55,348
[both] We're about to explain.

738
00:32:55,390 --> 00:32:56,307
[Zach] Listen.

739
00:32:56,349 --> 00:32:58,184
[both] Cardigans, cardigans,

740
00:32:58,226 --> 00:32:59,852
cardigans, cardigans.

741
00:32:59,894 --> 00:33:00,979
Say it again, Zach.

742
00:33:01,020 --> 00:33:02,313
Okay, cardi...

743
00:33:02,355 --> 00:33:03,648
...gans.

744
00:33:03,690 --> 00:33:05,400
Oh, we wear cardigans       
            to the beach.

745
00:33:05,441 --> 00:33:07,568
I've never been sad in my life.

746
00:33:07,610 --> 00:33:09,404
Because you're in a cardigan?

747
00:33:09,445 --> 00:33:11,572
[both]    Hell, yeah,        
         that's fucking right

748
00:33:11,614 --> 00:33:15,201
Cardi-B, Cartier,        
              cardigans

749
00:33:15,243 --> 00:33:18,871
Zachary and Drew        
           are just friends

750
00:33:18,913 --> 00:33:22,667
Jesus died on a cross      
            for your sins

751
00:33:22,709 --> 00:33:26,379
His final words         
           were "cardigans"

752
00:33:26,421 --> 00:33:29,966
We know how to count to 10

753
00:33:30,008 --> 00:33:32,719
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

754
00:33:32,759 --> 00:33:35,388
10

755
00:33:35,430 --> 00:33:36,848
Welcome to the Club Cumming...   
       [speaking indistinctly]

756
00:33:36,889 --> 00:33:39,058
[Drew] Oh, have you ever      
         smoked a cigarette?

757
00:33:39,100 --> 00:33:40,643
How's Iggy Azalea doing?

758
00:33:40,685 --> 00:33:43,395
-I could use one.         
          -[Zach] Oh. Okay.

759
00:33:43,438 --> 00:33:44,814
[person on recording]   I didn't   
      know I could feel like that.

760
00:33:44,855 --> 00:33:47,400
[both]    Gays didn't exist     
             in the '20s

761
00:33:47,442 --> 00:33:50,069
Gays didn't exist        
             in the '20s

762
00:33:50,111 --> 00:33:52,529
Gays didn't           
          exist in the '20s

763
00:33:52,572 --> 00:33:54,198
My parents are together.

764
00:33:54,239 --> 00:33:55,533
And mine are divorced.

765
00:33:55,574 --> 00:33:56,743
jazzy music playing

766
00:33:56,784 --> 00:33:58,536
Yeah.

767
00:33:58,578 --> 00:34:01,122
Get into it.

768
00:34:01,163 --> 00:34:03,666
[both]    Our moms would      
         tuck us in at night

769
00:34:03,708 --> 00:34:05,960
And tell us everything's    
          gonna be all right

770
00:34:06,002 --> 00:34:07,295
And it wasn't

771
00:34:07,335 --> 00:34:08,629
Hate exists.

772
00:34:08,670 --> 00:34:10,172
[both]    And it wasn't

773
00:34:10,214 --> 00:34:11,882
Gays don't exist

774
00:34:11,924 --> 00:34:14,052
[both]    Gays were invented    
           by the Democrats

775
00:34:14,093 --> 00:34:15,803
That's a fact

776
00:34:15,844 --> 00:34:17,263
We're a mirage

777
00:34:17,305 --> 00:34:19,931
Ooh

778
00:34:19,974 --> 00:34:21,392
Gays don't exist

779
00:34:21,434 --> 00:34:24,187
And we're a mirage

780
00:34:24,228 --> 00:34:27,732
[tap dancing]

781
00:34:27,774 --> 00:34:30,610
[cheers and applause]

782
00:34:44,665 --> 00:34:48,586
Oh, tap dancing gays.

783
00:34:48,628 --> 00:34:50,296
Here we go.

784
00:34:50,338 --> 00:34:51,964
-[Drew] Mm.            
        -[Zach] We love you.

785
00:34:52,006 --> 00:34:53,091
[Drew] Yeah.

786
00:34:55,843 --> 00:34:58,554
[both]    Cardi-B, Cartier,     
              cardigans

787
00:34:58,596 --> 00:35:01,015
Zachary and Drew        
           are just friends

788
00:35:01,057 --> 00:35:03,643
Jesus died on a cross      
            for your sins

789
00:35:03,684 --> 00:35:06,479
His final words         
        were gays don't exist

790
00:35:08,147 --> 00:35:09,232
Thank you. We're Zach and Drew.

791
00:35:09,273 --> 00:35:11,526
Thank you!

792
00:35:11,567 --> 00:35:14,487
[cheers and applause]

793
00:35:17,031 --> 00:35:19,158
[announcer] Let's hear it one   
    more time for Zach and Drew.

794
00:35:21,119 --> 00:35:23,496
Bravo. Bravo.

795
00:35:23,955 --> 00:35:26,874
You know, someone who I think   
       would really have loved

796
00:35:26,916 --> 00:35:28,543
Club Cumming--           
   and he was actually a resident

797
00:35:28,584 --> 00:35:30,419
of the East Village--       
         was Quentin Crisp.

798
00:35:30,461 --> 00:35:31,963
Do you all who--          
     do you all know who he is?

799
00:35:32,004 --> 00:35:33,172
[light applause]

800
00:35:33,214 --> 00:35:34,841
A smattering of applause.

801
00:35:34,882 --> 00:35:36,467
I'm sure              
      he would have loved that.

802
00:35:36,509 --> 00:35:38,511
And one of my favorite       
           bon mots of his

803
00:35:38,553 --> 00:35:40,513
is what he said about LA.

804
00:35:40,555 --> 00:35:43,808
He said, "Los Angeles

805
00:35:43,850 --> 00:35:48,688
is like New York lying down."

806
00:35:53,401 --> 00:35:54,944
I know what he means.

807
00:35:54,986 --> 00:35:56,362
But anyway, we always love

808
00:35:56,404 --> 00:35:58,197
when our friends          
        from California come

809
00:35:58,239 --> 00:35:59,448
and visit us at Club Cumming.

810
00:35:59,490 --> 00:36:00,825
And we have            
      a very special one here.

811
00:36:00,867 --> 00:36:03,369
Please give it up         
           for Nori Reed.

812
00:36:13,629 --> 00:36:15,756
Oh, my God.

813
00:36:29,145 --> 00:36:31,063
I don't have any jokes.      
              [laughs]

814
00:36:40,698 --> 00:36:43,576
I filmed a set recently,

815
00:36:43,618 --> 00:36:45,912
and all those drugs are gone.

816
00:36:55,296 --> 00:36:57,256
There was this one

817
00:36:57,298 --> 00:37:01,510
where I was-I was like, uh...

818
00:37:01,552 --> 00:37:04,430
[imitates speaking]

819
00:37:09,435 --> 00:37:11,354
-Mm-hmm.              
        -[laughter, applause]

820
00:37:11,395 --> 00:37:13,564
Yeah, thank you.

821
00:37:13,606 --> 00:37:14,690
Thank you.

822
00:37:17,151 --> 00:37:19,237
That's exactly           
          how they sounded.

823
00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:26,661
Um, I'm just kidding.

824
00:37:28,371 --> 00:37:29,914
I'm kidding.

825
00:37:29,956 --> 00:37:32,333
I don't-I don't have any jokes

826
00:37:32,375 --> 00:37:34,293
'cause I'm in           
       my Dave Chappelle era.

827
00:37:40,841 --> 00:37:43,844
Mm-hmm. Yep.

828
00:37:43,886 --> 00:37:46,555
It's like all vibes, no jokes,

829
00:37:46,597 --> 00:37:48,766
you know?

830
00:38:06,659 --> 00:38:09,912
"Trans people

831
00:38:09,954 --> 00:38:12,832
are so f-fucking weird."

832
00:38:15,793 --> 00:38:18,421
Spot on? [laughs]

833
00:38:18,462 --> 00:38:21,132
Spot on? Spot on.

834
00:38:21,173 --> 00:38:24,802
Thank you. Thank you.

835
00:38:24,844 --> 00:38:26,012
Thank you.

836
00:38:26,053 --> 00:38:30,391
I'm highly             
      emotionally intelligent.

837
00:38:30,433 --> 00:38:33,436
And there are some people     
      over here, they're like,

838
00:38:33,477 --> 00:38:35,354
"Tell a joke."

839
00:38:42,903 --> 00:38:46,824
It's like, "I bought a ticket.   
            Tell a joke."

840
00:38:49,660 --> 00:38:52,913
And if that's you,         
        you're a capitalist.

841
00:38:58,586 --> 00:39:02,173
Oh, oh, if I tell a joke,     
       can I use the bathroom?

842
00:39:09,513 --> 00:39:13,559
If I make you laugh,        
     can I go visit my grandma,

843
00:39:13,601 --> 00:39:14,727
Jeff Bezos?

844
00:39:21,025 --> 00:39:25,863
If you-if you're so horny     
             for a joke,

845
00:39:25,905 --> 00:39:27,156
here's one.

846
00:39:28,449 --> 00:39:30,242
America.

847
00:39:33,371 --> 00:39:36,290
[mouthing words]

848
00:39:43,714 --> 00:39:45,424
Did she go there?

849
00:39:45,925 --> 00:39:50,304
Yeah.

850
00:39:50,346 --> 00:39:52,890
Okay.

851
00:39:52,932 --> 00:39:54,892
I'll be honest.

852
00:39:54,934 --> 00:39:56,602
I actually don't have any jokes

853
00:39:56,644 --> 00:39:58,771
'cause I write for TV now.

854
00:40:00,898 --> 00:40:05,694
So...[laughs]

855
00:40:05,736 --> 00:40:09,657
I don't have time         
          for this anymore.

856
00:40:11,575 --> 00:40:13,244
I don't. I'm sorry.

857
00:40:13,285 --> 00:40:15,162
I'm sorry. I'm sorry!

858
00:40:16,997 --> 00:40:19,291
I'm sorry. I write for TV.     
           I'm trans rich.

859
00:40:21,585 --> 00:40:25,256
I'm trans rich.          
          It's very niche.

860
00:40:25,297 --> 00:40:27,967
It's-it's me,

861
00:40:28,008 --> 00:40:33,055
Laverne Cox, and...

862
00:40:33,097 --> 00:40:36,392
[whispers]             
     ...the other one, you know.

863
00:40:39,854 --> 00:40:42,022
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Yeah.

864
00:40:42,064 --> 00:40:43,858
Do you know-do you know      
       who I'm talking about?

865
00:40:43,899 --> 00:40:45,109
Do you know which one?

866
00:40:45,151 --> 00:40:46,694
Do you know            
       who I'm talking about?

867
00:40:46,735 --> 00:40:47,736
Do you know who I'm talking    
               about?

868
00:40:49,363 --> 00:40:51,574
Okay, say it.

869
00:40:56,203 --> 00:40:57,830
Caitlyn Jenner.

870
00:40:57,872 --> 00:40:59,206
Why would you say that?

871
00:41:08,799 --> 00:41:13,429
I love...I do.           
      I love being trans rich.

872
00:41:13,471 --> 00:41:15,139
But it's a little isolating

873
00:41:15,181 --> 00:41:18,434
'cause a lot of my trans      
       friends are still poor.

874
00:41:21,312 --> 00:41:25,357
And it's just really hard     
              'cause...

875
00:41:25,399 --> 00:41:28,819
I call 'em on the phone      
            and I'm like,

876
00:41:28,861 --> 00:41:31,530
"Hey, how are you?"

877
00:41:31,572 --> 00:41:33,616
And they're like...

878
00:41:33,657 --> 00:41:35,034
It's they/them. Don't worry.

879
00:41:37,036 --> 00:41:38,454
...they're like,          
     "I don't know, rent's due.

880
00:41:38,496 --> 00:41:40,247
This month is gonna be tough."

881
00:41:43,250 --> 00:41:45,961
And I'm like, "Oh, no."

882
00:41:54,261 --> 00:41:55,846
"Let's talk about this more    
              at Nobu."

883
00:41:55,888 --> 00:41:57,223
[laughs]

884
00:42:04,063 --> 00:42:08,692
Okay, this isn't a joke,      
     but I do think it's funny.

885
00:42:10,945 --> 00:42:12,071
Gay people.

886
00:42:14,949 --> 00:42:16,408
Gay people are funny.

887
00:42:17,701 --> 00:42:19,495
It doesn't make us         
           any less valid.

888
00:42:22,915 --> 00:42:26,418
I personally--I don't believe   
      that people are born gay.

889
00:42:27,795 --> 00:42:31,674
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

890
00:42:34,468 --> 00:42:36,262
Lady Gaga got to ya.

891
00:42:38,055 --> 00:42:39,848
Born this way

892
00:42:41,141 --> 00:42:44,103
I-I personally believe

893
00:42:44,144 --> 00:42:48,941
that when a baby is born,

894
00:42:48,983 --> 00:42:50,442
they look around the room.

895
00:42:52,987 --> 00:42:54,863
And if the doctor is hot...

896
00:43:04,790 --> 00:43:08,210
No, I do think           
     that gay people are funny.

897
00:43:08,252 --> 00:43:11,922
I-I was in West Hollywood     
            last weekend,

898
00:43:11,964 --> 00:43:14,758
a very gay place.

899
00:43:14,800 --> 00:43:17,052
New Yorkers.

900
00:43:17,094 --> 00:43:19,096
God. You don't get it.       
          You don't get it.

901
00:43:19,138 --> 00:43:21,223
It's highly gay.

902
00:43:21,265 --> 00:43:25,936
And I was at a crosswalk

903
00:43:25,978 --> 00:43:27,146
in front of Hamburger Mary's.

904
00:43:27,187 --> 00:43:28,981
Do you guys know          
      what Hamburger Mary's is?

905
00:43:29,023 --> 00:43:31,609
Yeah, it's a really famous     
              drag bar.

906
00:43:31,650 --> 00:43:33,986
And in front of me,        
        there was two women.

907
00:43:34,028 --> 00:43:36,655
And they were gay.

908
00:43:41,702 --> 00:43:44,121
How do you know?

909
00:43:44,163 --> 00:43:45,331
Their hair.

910
00:43:51,879 --> 00:43:53,422
Grow up, you know? Like...

911
00:43:59,053 --> 00:44:03,223
And one of them

912
00:44:03,265 --> 00:44:06,185
had this, like, sobbing baby.

913
00:44:06,226 --> 00:44:08,228
And she was just rocking,

914
00:44:08,270 --> 00:44:11,482
rocking this sobbing,       
          sobbing toddler.

915
00:44:11,523 --> 00:44:14,151
And she went,           
         "Nicholas, there's

916
00:44:14,193 --> 00:44:16,028
a lot of boys across America    
         who would have died

917
00:44:16,070 --> 00:44:18,656
to have their third birthday    
        at Hamburger Mary's."

918
00:44:24,078 --> 00:44:25,829
That is no place for a baby.

919
00:44:29,416 --> 00:44:33,712
The bar was playing        
            Shania Twain

920
00:44:33,754 --> 00:44:36,632
at a volume I can only describe 
           as apocalyptic.

921
00:44:45,224 --> 00:44:49,061
I personally right now       
    think that therapy is a joke.

922
00:44:49,103 --> 00:44:53,232
-[laughter]            
             -[snapping]

923
00:44:53,273 --> 00:44:55,693
The snaps.

924
00:44:55,734 --> 00:44:57,486
Not the snaps.

925
00:45:00,406 --> 00:45:02,908
I kind of-I need to break up    
         with my therapist.

926
00:45:02,950 --> 00:45:05,119
It's just not working out.

927
00:45:05,160 --> 00:45:07,413
She-she broke her foot...

928
00:45:10,666 --> 00:45:12,376
...so it's all about her now.

929
00:45:15,546 --> 00:45:18,590
I log on to Zoom,         
       and I have to be like,

930
00:45:18,632 --> 00:45:21,510
"Hey, girl.

931
00:45:21,552 --> 00:45:23,053
How's your foot?"

932
00:45:31,103 --> 00:45:32,730
And then she talks about it    
             on my dime.

933
00:45:38,986 --> 00:45:41,530
I'm sorry, I don't wanna pay    
         someone $200 a week

934
00:45:41,572 --> 00:45:42,865
who broke her foot...

935
00:45:46,118 --> 00:45:47,536
...'cause at a certain point    
            of adulthood,

936
00:45:47,578 --> 00:45:49,163
you just learn how to walk.

937
00:45:53,584 --> 00:45:55,252
But the worst thing        
           that she did...

938
00:45:55,294 --> 00:45:57,963
and this is when I was like,    
     "I have to make a change."

939
00:45:58,005 --> 00:46:00,424
She was like, "Nori, Nori,     
     share something vulnerable.

940
00:46:00,466 --> 00:46:02,551
You have to share         
       something vulnerable."

941
00:46:02,593 --> 00:46:04,094
She kinda egged me on that way.

942
00:46:04,136 --> 00:46:08,265
And I was like,          
    "Okay, okay, let's do this."

943
00:46:08,307 --> 00:46:12,102
So I shared with her that     
    I've been sexually assaulted.

944
00:46:12,144 --> 00:46:15,981
And the moment           
         that I shared that,

945
00:46:16,023 --> 00:46:17,608
she bit into a Milano.

946
00:46:36,168 --> 00:46:40,881
And it was stale,

947
00:46:40,923 --> 00:46:42,883
so it really made a crunch.

948
00:46:51,809 --> 00:46:53,143
Okay, you've been nice.

949
00:46:53,185 --> 00:46:54,853
So...wait, wait.

950
00:46:54,895 --> 00:46:57,940
No, no, you've been-you've     
       been-you've been nice,

951
00:46:57,981 --> 00:47:00,275
so I will tell one joke.

952
00:47:01,485 --> 00:47:03,153
I will tell one.

953
00:47:06,281 --> 00:47:09,701
If I like someone         
      and we're really vibing,

954
00:47:09,743 --> 00:47:12,204
I tell them to transition...

955
00:47:15,207 --> 00:47:16,625
...regardless of who they are.

956
00:47:20,754 --> 00:47:24,424
And I do that because       
        being trans is a MLM.

957
00:47:27,553 --> 00:47:30,764
It's a pyramid scheme.

958
00:47:34,977 --> 00:47:37,062
You gotta get to the top.

959
00:47:40,524 --> 00:47:43,902
If I could get five of you     
          to transition...

960
00:47:48,824 --> 00:47:51,243
...I-I get a air fryer.

961
00:47:53,287 --> 00:47:54,913
That's my time. Thank you.

962
00:47:54,955 --> 00:47:57,916
[cheers and applause]

963
00:48:01,837 --> 00:48:03,714
Let's hear it for Nori Reed    
           one more time.

964
00:48:03,755 --> 00:48:05,215
Isn't she great?

965
00:48:05,257 --> 00:48:08,176
[cheers and applause]

966
00:48:09,469 --> 00:48:12,556
So one of the things

967
00:48:12,598 --> 00:48:14,683
when you're hosting        
          a comedy special

968
00:48:14,725 --> 00:48:17,644
and you're drinking        
   is that you have to have notes.

969
00:48:17,686 --> 00:48:20,689
And as Nori was doing her bit,

970
00:48:20,731 --> 00:48:22,608
I looked at my notes        
        for the next person.

971
00:48:22,649 --> 00:48:25,777
And all it said was,        
        "Queer Show America."

972
00:48:27,863 --> 00:48:30,198
And I have no idea         
          what that means.

973
00:48:30,240 --> 00:48:31,658
And I panicked,          
      and I was about to shout

974
00:48:31,700 --> 00:48:33,577
to my assistants, like,      
           "What the hell?

975
00:48:33,619 --> 00:48:34,578
What does this mean?"

976
00:48:34,620 --> 00:48:35,913
Then I thought,

977
00:48:35,954 --> 00:48:37,581
"That's the perfect way      
           to introduce...

978
00:48:37,623 --> 00:48:39,041
Pat Regan."

979
00:48:39,082 --> 00:48:41,960
[cheers and applause]

980
00:48:51,887 --> 00:48:54,097
Thank you. Thank you.

981
00:48:54,139 --> 00:48:55,766
Thank you,             
       but I wanna empower...

982
00:48:55,807 --> 00:48:58,810
I wanna empower y'all       
             to shut up.

983
00:48:58,852 --> 00:49:00,312
Cool. My name is Pat.

984
00:49:00,354 --> 00:49:02,356
I, too, don't know         
   what Queer Show America means.

985
00:49:02,397 --> 00:49:06,068
But I think it sounds       
            really cool.

986
00:49:07,569 --> 00:49:09,571
Yeah, I'm gay. I am gay.      
        That's why I'm here.

987
00:49:09,613 --> 00:49:10,656
That's why I act this way.

988
00:49:10,697 --> 00:49:13,575
Sorry.

989
00:49:13,617 --> 00:49:15,077
I would love to engage.

990
00:49:15,118 --> 00:49:17,371
This is actually perfect      
   'cause kind of as a queer man,

991
00:49:17,412 --> 00:49:19,373
I've been kinda conditioned    
             by society

992
00:49:19,414 --> 00:49:22,501
to feel safe near disco balls,

993
00:49:22,542 --> 00:49:25,462
which is not something       
      I saw coming as a child.

994
00:49:29,633 --> 00:49:31,259
Yeah, you know,

995
00:49:31,301 --> 00:49:33,136
I think I have the potential    
        to look really good.

996
00:49:33,178 --> 00:49:35,430
I had a...I ate one Kit Kat    
          just before this,

997
00:49:35,472 --> 00:49:36,974
and now I look awful.

998
00:49:37,015 --> 00:49:38,517
And that's so funny.

999
00:49:40,978 --> 00:49:42,229
Before...I have to share.

1000
00:49:42,270 --> 00:49:44,147
Right before we started,      
          someone involved

1001
00:49:44,189 --> 00:49:45,691
in the production said,      
       "And"--she's like, "Oh,

1002
00:49:45,732 --> 00:49:47,025
and then you could ch-       
              is that-

1003
00:49:47,067 --> 00:49:48,151
do you have different clothes   
            to change to

1004
00:49:48,193 --> 00:49:49,194
or is that your look?       
            Oh, perfect."

1005
00:49:52,155 --> 00:49:54,366
And I said, in a sound       
    I've never even heard before,

1006
00:49:54,408 --> 00:49:56,034
I said, "It's Hugo Boss!"

1007
00:49:57,995 --> 00:50:01,498
Glass shattered          
        all over the Village.

1008
00:50:01,540 --> 00:50:03,875
They had to bring in        
     new glassware for you guys.

1009
00:50:07,921 --> 00:50:09,965
It is Hugo Boss.

1010
00:50:13,051 --> 00:50:15,345
Yeah, you know, I've just been   
          to Austin, Texas.

1011
00:50:15,387 --> 00:50:18,849
And here's what I didn't like   
              about it.

1012
00:50:18,890 --> 00:50:20,058
I walk off the plane.

1013
00:50:20,100 --> 00:50:21,727
The second I step off,       
              you know,

1014
00:50:21,768 --> 00:50:25,355
there's a big mural        
     assaulting me with a sign,

1015
00:50:25,397 --> 00:50:28,066
it says, "Keep Austin weird."   
           And I was like,

1016
00:50:28,108 --> 00:50:30,986
"Okay, do you mind         
        if I just be normal?

1017
00:50:31,028 --> 00:50:32,404
Can I not be, like,        
            on assignment

1018
00:50:32,446 --> 00:50:33,822
to, like, dye my hair green    
            in your town?

1019
00:50:33,864 --> 00:50:37,034
I'm here for two days. I'm gay.

1020
00:50:37,075 --> 00:50:38,618
Is that enough?"

1021
00:50:41,413 --> 00:50:42,706
I live in New York.

1022
00:50:42,748 --> 00:50:44,958
Last week, I was          
     in Los Angeles, California.

1023
00:50:45,000 --> 00:50:48,295
I came back 'cause obviously,   
   no one asked me to stay there.

1024
00:50:52,632 --> 00:50:54,259
I was like, "I think I'm gonna   
    head back to the other coast

1025
00:50:54,301 --> 00:50:57,971
unless someone would like me    
       to star in TV and film.

1026
00:50:58,013 --> 00:51:00,891
All right, I'm gonna go."

1027
00:51:00,932 --> 00:51:02,476
I like LA. I think LA is fine.

1028
00:51:02,517 --> 00:51:04,311
I just think personally,      
               for me,

1029
00:51:04,352 --> 00:51:05,687
it would make           
        more logistical sense

1030
00:51:05,729 --> 00:51:08,940
if LA was closer          
         to New York, right?

1031
00:51:08,982 --> 00:51:10,400
And, you know,           
         I'm gonna go there.

1032
00:51:10,442 --> 00:51:14,196
I think, actually, LA       
       should be in New York.

1033
00:51:14,237 --> 00:51:15,572
That, to me,            
       would make more sense.

1034
00:51:15,614 --> 00:51:17,991
Like, if I was an urban      
       planner, God forbid...

1035
00:51:20,911 --> 00:51:23,038
...I would take LA,        
           in my planning.

1036
00:51:23,080 --> 00:51:24,289
I would come            
       and crack my knuckles.

1037
00:51:24,331 --> 00:51:26,792
I would take LA,

1038
00:51:26,833 --> 00:51:29,711
and I would put it         
       where Staten Island is,

1039
00:51:29,753 --> 00:51:31,129
you know, do a little reorg.

1040
00:51:31,171 --> 00:51:32,422
And then Staten Island,

1041
00:51:32,464 --> 00:51:35,801
which is so nice to have      
        but we rarely use...

1042
00:51:39,429 --> 00:51:41,473
...I would take that and I     
   would put it on the West Coast,

1043
00:51:41,515 --> 00:51:43,850
which I kind of view        
          as storage space.

1044
00:51:49,189 --> 00:51:52,692
I'm exhausted. I'm very tired.   
       I had a very full day.

1045
00:51:52,734 --> 00:51:54,486
I had to print           
        something out today.

1046
00:51:56,863 --> 00:52:00,867
It's crazy the hoops        
     they make you jump through.

1047
00:52:00,909 --> 00:52:04,412
The red tape is wild.

1048
00:52:04,454 --> 00:52:05,705
I'll tell you what,        
            it is easier

1049
00:52:05,747 --> 00:52:08,667
to get a gun in this country

1050
00:52:08,708 --> 00:52:11,878
than it is             
       to print something out.

1051
00:52:11,920 --> 00:52:15,674
And I swore I wouldn't do it,   
       but I call for a forum.

1052
00:52:18,426 --> 00:52:20,220
Let me know            
       if that goes anywhere.

1053
00:52:24,057 --> 00:52:25,350
No, I actually           
         just chilled today.

1054
00:52:25,392 --> 00:52:27,686
I watch a lot of makeover     
            shows, like,

1055
00:52:27,727 --> 00:52:29,146
makeover shows           
        where people come in

1056
00:52:29,187 --> 00:52:31,690
and they actually use       
         special strategies

1057
00:52:31,731 --> 00:52:33,817
to make someone          
        a little bit hotter.

1058
00:52:33,859 --> 00:52:36,528
And my favorite one        
       actually is   Queer Eye.

1059
00:52:36,570 --> 00:52:39,447
I love that show   Queer Eye.    
            It's so good.

1060
00:52:39,489 --> 00:52:41,533
And what I love about   Queer Eye

1061
00:52:41,575 --> 00:52:44,536
is they have this ethos      
    where they come in doe-eyed,

1062
00:52:44,578 --> 00:52:49,166
and they're like, "Hey, hi.    
        Listen, first of all,

1063
00:52:49,207 --> 00:52:53,003
what matters is not        
         how you look, okay?

1064
00:52:53,044 --> 00:52:56,673
What matters is how you feel.

1065
00:52:56,715 --> 00:52:59,801
And how you feel is based     
          on how you look.

1066
00:53:06,975 --> 00:53:08,226
So we're gonna teach you      
        about under eye stick

1067
00:53:08,268 --> 00:53:11,688
for that reason."

1068
00:53:11,730 --> 00:53:12,981
I think that's so cool.

1069
00:53:13,023 --> 00:53:14,983
I, too,              
     was in a strange--you know,

1070
00:53:15,025 --> 00:53:17,861
I struggled a little bit      
        with body dysmorphia.

1071
00:53:17,903 --> 00:53:20,113
Had some eating issues.

1072
00:53:20,155 --> 00:53:22,699
One part of my pandemic is,    
    I actually gained 40 pounds.

1073
00:53:22,741 --> 00:53:26,203
And I subsequently         
        have lost 25 of them.

1074
00:53:26,244 --> 00:53:28,205
Calm down.

1075
00:53:28,246 --> 00:53:30,999
Don't moan about it.

1076
00:53:31,041 --> 00:53:34,586
And the way I lost the weight

1077
00:53:34,628 --> 00:53:36,546
is an app called Noom.

1078
00:53:36,588 --> 00:53:38,590
Do you know about Noom the app?

1079
00:53:38,632 --> 00:53:40,592
Yeah, it's an amazing app     
         that kind of, like,

1080
00:53:40,634 --> 00:53:43,303
helps you have an eating      
    disorder for a little while.

1081
00:53:44,471 --> 00:53:47,098
So cool that it got invented    
        by the app inventors.

1082
00:53:47,140 --> 00:53:50,518
And-and I found out about Noom

1083
00:53:50,560 --> 00:53:52,062
the same way            
   you find out about every diet,

1084
00:53:52,103 --> 00:53:53,688
which is that           
     my straight cousin's fiancé

1085
00:53:53,730 --> 00:53:55,273
lost 19 pounds           
         before her wedding,

1086
00:53:55,315 --> 00:53:57,150
and now that's all my mom     
            talks about.

1087
00:53:59,819 --> 00:54:01,780
And, you know,           
      I was setting up my Noom

1088
00:54:01,821 --> 00:54:03,156
and I was answering        
        all their questions,

1089
00:54:03,198 --> 00:54:04,699
I got to one page         
           that was like,

1090
00:54:04,741 --> 00:54:06,534
"Have you ever had         
     an eating disorder before?"

1091
00:54:06,576 --> 00:54:09,037
So I clicked yes, and then     
       the next page was like,

1092
00:54:09,079 --> 00:54:10,330
"Go! Run.             
       You can't be here. Run.

1093
00:54:10,372 --> 00:54:13,208
This is not for you. Leave.    
             Leave now."

1094
00:54:13,250 --> 00:54:15,252
But then thank God         
     there was a Back button...

1095
00:54:19,714 --> 00:54:22,217
Which I hit, and I said no,

1096
00:54:22,259 --> 00:54:25,262
and they were like,        
    "Oh, my God, welcome to Noom.

1097
00:54:25,303 --> 00:54:28,515
This is gonna be amazing      
          for you, bitch!"

1098
00:54:30,100 --> 00:54:31,685
So yeah,              
      I'm a master manipulator.

1099
00:54:31,726 --> 00:54:33,311
I'm living a double life.

1100
00:54:37,357 --> 00:54:40,485
Yeah, you know, I recently was   
    on actually Comedy Central's

1101
00:54:40,527 --> 00:54:41,987
Instagram account.

1102
00:54:42,028 --> 00:54:44,072
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

1103
00:54:44,114 --> 00:54:45,282
I don't even wanna hear      
             your point.

1104
00:54:45,323 --> 00:54:48,451
You don't get it, okay?      
          'Cause it's huge.

1105
00:54:48,493 --> 00:54:52,455
And it's the Purple Heart     
            of our times.

1106
00:54:52,497 --> 00:54:55,000
So I don't wanna hear it.

1107
00:54:55,041 --> 00:54:56,751
And, you know, I really      
       didn't do gay material.

1108
00:54:56,793 --> 00:55:00,839
I just did truly, like,      
         family values shit.

1109
00:55:00,880 --> 00:55:03,550
But I did speak in this voice,   
    and it upset straight people

1110
00:55:03,591 --> 00:55:05,510
across the nation, I would say.

1111
00:55:07,887 --> 00:55:10,056
You know, they thought I was    
   doing it on purpose, actually,

1112
00:55:10,098 --> 00:55:12,475
which I agree           
        would be sociopathic.

1113
00:55:16,187 --> 00:55:18,690
But I actually speak like this   
            on accident.

1114
00:55:18,732 --> 00:55:22,610
And so I read           
        every single comment

1115
00:55:22,652 --> 00:55:25,572
'cause I'm absolutely       
    fucking obsessed with myself.

1116
00:55:25,613 --> 00:55:27,324
And it was just like,       
      "Gay people aren't funny.

1117
00:55:27,365 --> 00:55:29,576
I hate gay people.         
    I hate their white-girl wine.

1118
00:55:29,617 --> 00:55:31,411
We get it. You like dick.

1119
00:55:31,453 --> 00:55:34,414
You don't gotta sound       
    like one's in you right now."

1120
00:55:34,456 --> 00:55:36,291
And I was like,          
        "Okay, what gay porn

1121
00:55:36,333 --> 00:55:39,336
have you been watching...

1122
00:55:39,377 --> 00:55:40,670
that these bottoms

1123
00:55:40,712 --> 00:55:42,464
are delivering           
       perfectly crafted jokes

1124
00:55:42,505 --> 00:55:46,301
while being            
       absolutely penetrated?"

1125
00:55:46,343 --> 00:55:47,844
When I have a dick in me      
             right now,

1126
00:55:47,886 --> 00:55:50,055
it's a completely different    
             soundscape.

1127
00:55:55,226 --> 00:55:56,811
But actually, then it has     
           a happy ending.

1128
00:55:56,853 --> 00:55:58,396
The story has a happy ending

1129
00:55:58,438 --> 00:55:59,564
'cause then all of a sudden,    
      people did at the bottom

1130
00:55:59,606 --> 00:56:01,232
started coming in         
          and saying like,

1131
00:56:01,274 --> 00:56:02,817
"Shut up. You just be quiet.    
       Gay people are funny."

1132
00:56:02,859 --> 00:56:04,611
One person was like,

1133
00:56:04,652 --> 00:56:09,407
"Just because this gay person   
      isn't funny does not mean

1134
00:56:09,449 --> 00:56:11,910
no gay people are funny."     
             I was like,

1135
00:56:11,951 --> 00:56:15,080
"Oh, my God, even the allies    
    are absolutely dragging me."

1136
00:56:20,460 --> 00:56:23,338
You know, I love teen culture.   
            I love teens.

1137
00:56:23,380 --> 00:56:25,173
I love the drama          
       that teens often choose

1138
00:56:25,215 --> 00:56:27,759
to create for themselves      
       and those around them.

1139
00:56:29,636 --> 00:56:31,054
I love a teen movie.        
            I really do.

1140
00:56:31,096 --> 00:56:33,431
I saw   Love Simon.   So important.

1141
00:56:33,473 --> 00:56:36,684
If you haven't seen it--if     
    you haven't seen   Love Simon,

1142
00:56:36,726 --> 00:56:39,813
the plot is that someone's gay.

1143
00:56:39,854 --> 00:56:41,606
Outstanding, and...

1144
00:56:42,899 --> 00:56:44,359
...and another thing,       
               Love Simon

1145
00:56:44,401 --> 00:56:47,112
actually opens           
    on a countdown to graduation.

1146
00:56:47,153 --> 00:56:48,780
And when a movie opens       
             first frame

1147
00:56:48,822 --> 00:56:50,782
and it's a countdown        
    to graduation, I'm just like,

1148
00:56:50,824 --> 00:56:53,034
"All right, the emotional     
          stakes are huge!"

1149
00:56:56,830 --> 00:56:58,581
And so that's my kind of vibe.

1150
00:56:58,623 --> 00:57:00,625
And then, you know, recently,   
             I actually,

1151
00:57:00,667 --> 00:57:01,793
I hurt my foot very badly.

1152
00:57:01,835 --> 00:57:03,211
And I was bedridden        
           for two weeks,

1153
00:57:03,253 --> 00:57:05,713
which is unbelievable       
         for my depression,

1154
00:57:05,755 --> 00:57:07,799
and, um...

1155
00:57:07,841 --> 00:57:09,509
but I'm an artist, right?     
           I'm a creator.

1156
00:57:09,551 --> 00:57:12,470
So I'm always working.       
        I'm always creating.

1157
00:57:12,512 --> 00:57:15,432
And so I actually did use     
              the time

1158
00:57:15,473 --> 00:57:18,226
to workshop a treatment      
       for my own teen movie.

1159
00:57:18,268 --> 00:57:20,353
And so if it's not too gauche,

1160
00:57:20,395 --> 00:57:21,521
I would like to recite       
           that treatment

1161
00:57:21,563 --> 00:57:22,480
for the end of my set.

1162
00:57:22,522 --> 00:57:24,524
Thank you.

1163
00:57:24,566 --> 00:57:26,818
So the movie is called       
               Bedridden.

1164
00:57:28,319 --> 00:57:30,405
And it's about           
         this very hot girl,

1165
00:57:30,447 --> 00:57:34,242
who's also--wait--         
           really popular

1166
00:57:34,284 --> 00:57:37,662
and--here's the kicker--rich.

1167
00:57:37,704 --> 00:57:39,414
So she's kind of a shoo in     
           for prom queen,

1168
00:57:39,456 --> 00:57:41,124
if that makes sense.

1169
00:57:41,166 --> 00:57:43,960
And ostensibly, she has it all.

1170
00:57:44,002 --> 00:57:46,838
But then senior year,       
     she falls off the escalator

1171
00:57:46,880 --> 00:57:49,382
at the mall

1172
00:57:49,424 --> 00:57:52,302
and becomes bedridden.

1173
00:57:52,343 --> 00:57:54,804
So the next day,          
     this nerdy guy with, like,

1174
00:57:54,846 --> 00:57:58,850
a secret good body...

1175
00:57:58,892 --> 00:58:00,310
shows up at her door.

1176
00:58:00,351 --> 00:58:02,520
And she creaks it open       
           and she's like,

1177
00:58:02,562 --> 00:58:06,107
"Ew, freak,            
      what are you doing here?"

1178
00:58:06,149 --> 00:58:08,359
And he's like, "Hey, I don't    
       like this either, okay?

1179
00:58:08,401 --> 00:58:09,611
The teacher said          
         I had to bring over

1180
00:58:09,652 --> 00:58:11,154
your trig homework,        
            and she said

1181
00:58:11,196 --> 00:58:13,490
I had to go over what we did    
         in class with you."

1182
00:58:13,531 --> 00:58:17,452
And the girl is like,       
    "You're such a little perv."

1183
00:58:17,494 --> 00:58:19,204
And he's like, "Hey, I don't    
       like this either, okay?

1184
00:58:19,245 --> 00:58:21,873
I think you're really shallow."

1185
00:58:21,915 --> 00:58:23,416
So he comes in           
          and starts, like,

1186
00:58:23,458 --> 00:58:25,960
doing trig with this girl,     
           and meanwhile,

1187
00:58:26,002 --> 00:58:28,379
she does have a boyfriend,     
        whose name is Trevor.

1188
00:58:28,421 --> 00:58:29,339
And he is on the football team.

1189
00:58:29,380 --> 00:58:31,299
And he's very hot.

1190
00:58:31,341 --> 00:58:32,759
But he's, like, not a good guy.

1191
00:58:32,800 --> 00:58:34,260
And he's mean to Nerd       
            all the time.

1192
00:58:34,302 --> 00:58:37,180
So, like, that's going on too.

1193
00:58:41,809 --> 00:58:44,771
So then one day,

1194
00:58:44,812 --> 00:58:47,857
Nerd is doing trig         
           with this girl.

1195
00:58:47,899 --> 00:58:49,317
And he throws his pencil down

1196
00:58:49,359 --> 00:58:52,320
and looks at her and says,     
             "You know,

1197
00:58:52,362 --> 00:58:54,697
you could be really good      
    at this if you wanted to be.

1198
00:58:54,739 --> 00:58:56,407
You're smart, Trisha."

1199
00:58:58,993 --> 00:59:00,995
No one's ever told her this    
               before.

1200
00:59:01,037 --> 00:59:05,416
She's like, "Well, my home     
   life isn't exactly easy, okay?

1201
00:59:08,169 --> 00:59:10,129
My mom always makes me       
            do pageants.

1202
00:59:10,171 --> 00:59:12,757
And she monitors          
       what I eat and stuff."

1203
00:59:12,799 --> 00:59:15,510
And he's like,           
          "Man, that sucks.

1204
00:59:15,552 --> 00:59:19,264
My mom died before I was born."

1205
00:59:24,727 --> 00:59:27,647
And she's like, "Oh, my God,    
     that must be really hard."

1206
00:59:27,689 --> 00:59:29,065
And he's like,           
    "Don't worry about it, okay?

1207
00:59:29,107 --> 00:59:31,651
That's why I work         
         so hard in school.

1208
00:59:31,693 --> 00:59:35,113
I'm gonna get out of this town   
      one day, unlike Trevor."

1209
00:59:35,154 --> 00:59:36,364
And then he's not sure       
       if he should say this,

1210
00:59:36,406 --> 00:59:39,951
but he goes,            
     "Can I ask you something?"

1211
00:59:42,120 --> 00:59:43,538
To which she says,         
           "I'm bedridden.

1212
00:59:43,580 --> 00:59:46,291
I'm not going anywhere."

1213
00:59:46,332 --> 00:59:48,960
And he's like,           
   "What do you see in that guy?"

1214
00:59:50,670 --> 00:59:53,172
She's like, "I don't know.

1215
00:59:53,214 --> 00:59:54,215
It's just always felt like he's

1216
00:59:54,257 --> 00:59:56,467
who I'm supposed to be with."

1217
00:59:56,968 --> 00:59:58,970
And he's like, "Well, Trisha,   
         I think you deserve

1218
00:59:59,012 --> 01:00:00,597
to be with someone         
           really special,

1219
01:00:00,638 --> 01:00:02,932
who's actually gonna get      
     out of this town one day."

1220
01:00:04,767 --> 01:00:07,312
And she's like, "Yeah, maybe.

1221
01:00:07,353 --> 01:00:09,105
But I still don't get cosines."

1222
01:00:09,147 --> 01:00:10,690
And he's like,           
       "Right, back to trig."

1223
01:00:12,859 --> 01:00:14,986
So then about two weeks      
             after that,

1224
01:00:15,028 --> 01:00:16,571
Trisha goes near her window

1225
01:00:16,613 --> 01:00:18,489
to get in a good mood       
           from sunlight.

1226
01:00:21,367 --> 01:00:24,329
And she sees Trevor        
          fully hooking up

1227
01:00:24,370 --> 01:00:26,289
with her best friend        
          on her front yard

1228
01:00:26,331 --> 01:00:27,707
for no reason.

1229
01:00:29,667 --> 01:00:32,086
And she is devastated.

1230
01:00:32,128 --> 01:00:33,796
So Nerd comes over         
          and he sees her.

1231
01:00:33,838 --> 01:00:35,923
And he's just like,

1232
01:00:35,965 --> 01:00:39,177
"We're not doing trig today.

1233
01:00:39,218 --> 01:00:41,012
What's going on?"

1234
01:00:41,054 --> 01:00:43,348
And she gives this         
       unbelievable line read,

1235
01:00:43,389 --> 01:00:45,016
where she goes,

1236
01:00:45,058 --> 01:00:47,685
"I was supposed          
          to be prom queen.

1237
01:00:47,727 --> 01:00:50,688
And now I can't even go to prom

1238
01:00:50,730 --> 01:00:53,066
because I'm bedridden!"

1239
01:00:55,526 --> 01:00:59,489
So then two weeks after that,   
             prom night,

1240
01:00:59,530 --> 01:01:00,823
Trisha's just, like,        
         sitting in her room

1241
01:01:00,865 --> 01:01:02,992
in her pajamas, nowhere to go.

1242
01:01:03,034 --> 01:01:06,704
Nerd comes in with a dress     
          and a wheelchair.

1243
01:01:06,746 --> 01:01:10,541
And he looks at her        
     and he just says, "Get in."

1244
01:01:12,710 --> 01:01:14,295
And she's like, "What?"

1245
01:01:14,337 --> 01:01:15,380
And he's like,           
         "It's a wheelchair.

1246
01:01:15,421 --> 01:01:17,215
Do you trust me? Get in."

1247
01:01:19,384 --> 01:01:21,552
So cut to Nerd, like,       
       wheeling her into prom.

1248
01:01:21,594 --> 01:01:23,346
And he leans in and he says,

1249
01:01:23,388 --> 01:01:25,223
"You know, if I couldn't      
         bring you to prom,

1250
01:01:25,264 --> 01:01:27,684
I thought I'd bring prom      
              to you."

1251
01:01:27,725 --> 01:01:30,269
And she's like, "Yeah,       
   but you did bring me to prom."

1252
01:01:31,729 --> 01:01:32,855
And he's like, "I know. I know.

1253
01:01:32,897 --> 01:01:33,898
I just, like, wanted        
            to say that."

1254
01:01:33,940 --> 01:01:35,900
She's like, "I get it.       
             I get it."

1255
01:01:35,942 --> 01:01:37,402
So then against all odds,

1256
01:01:37,443 --> 01:01:39,904
Trisha actually wins        
             prom queen.

1257
01:01:39,946 --> 01:01:41,531
And she is dancing with Nerd    
          in her wheelchair

1258
01:01:41,572 --> 01:01:45,993
and she says, "You know,      
    I never thought senior year,

1259
01:01:46,035 --> 01:01:48,246
I'd fall off the escalator     
             at the mall

1260
01:01:48,287 --> 01:01:50,707
and become bedridden..."

1261
01:01:50,748 --> 01:01:52,917
And then she continues,

1262
01:01:52,959 --> 01:01:56,546
"...and I never knew        
     it would be the best thing

1263
01:01:56,587 --> 01:01:59,257
that ever happened to me!"

1264
01:01:59,298 --> 01:02:00,550
And they kiss.

1265
01:02:00,591 --> 01:02:01,426
That's the movie.         
      Thank you, guys, so much.

1266
01:02:01,467 --> 01:02:02,218
I'm Pat Regan.

1267
01:02:03,845 --> 01:02:06,806
[Alan] Pat Regan, everybody.

1268
01:02:06,848 --> 01:02:09,600
[cheers and applause]

1269
01:02:09,642 --> 01:02:13,187
I'd love to see that movie.

1270
01:02:13,229 --> 01:02:15,273
One of the loveliest things    
         about Club Cumming

1271
01:02:15,314 --> 01:02:17,233
for me is the way         
         that I have noticed

1272
01:02:17,275 --> 01:02:18,860
that so many of the acts

1273
01:02:18,901 --> 01:02:20,570
we have              
      are actually musical acts

1274
01:02:20,611 --> 01:02:23,281
that are also           
         fucking hilarious.

1275
01:02:23,322 --> 01:02:26,451
To wit, please give it up     
     for the absolutely darling

1276
01:02:26,492 --> 01:02:28,786
and incredible Larry Owens.

1277
01:02:28,828 --> 01:02:31,789
[cheers and applause]

1278
01:02:38,504 --> 01:02:41,299
Men

1279
01:02:41,340 --> 01:02:43,426
I don't want 'em,        
           I don't need 'em

1280
01:02:43,468 --> 01:02:46,304
Throw the whole         
             gender away

1281
01:02:46,345 --> 01:02:49,557
Men

1282
01:02:49,599 --> 01:02:51,434
You might try to leave 'em

1283
01:02:51,476 --> 01:02:54,061
But they'll find you      
                anyway

1284
01:02:54,103 --> 01:02:55,855
Frank was bad

1285
01:02:55,897 --> 01:02:57,648
Norman was worse

1286
01:02:57,690 --> 01:02:59,984
I tried to leave        
             Jean Pierre

1287
01:03:00,026 --> 01:03:01,819
But he left me first

1288
01:03:01,861 --> 01:03:05,198
Hassan is gone         
          just like Deshawn

1289
01:03:05,239 --> 01:03:07,074
Men are the lowest forms    
               of trash

1290
01:03:07,116 --> 01:03:10,161
In this whole universe

1291
01:03:10,203 --> 01:03:13,915
Men are scum historically

1292
01:03:13,956 --> 01:03:17,877
Adam bit the apple       
      and then blamed it on Eve

1293
01:03:17,919 --> 01:03:21,464
Those clods are odd,      
     just ask the Marquis de Sade

1294
01:03:21,506 --> 01:03:25,384
Hopefully, we see femmes    
           like me be free

1295
01:03:25,426 --> 01:03:29,514
'Cause men

1296
01:03:29,555 --> 01:03:31,474
I don't want 'em,        
           I don't need 'em

1297
01:03:31,516 --> 01:03:34,310
Throw              
        the whole species away

1298
01:03:34,352 --> 01:03:37,605
Men

1299
01:03:37,647 --> 01:03:39,273
You might try to leave 'em

1300
01:03:39,315 --> 01:03:42,693
But anyway

1301
01:03:42,735 --> 01:03:45,279
But when they touch       
               my hips

1302
01:03:45,321 --> 01:03:49,617
And the small of my back

1303
01:03:49,659 --> 01:03:53,287
I simply lose

1304
01:03:53,329 --> 01:03:56,791
My faculties

1305
01:03:56,833 --> 01:03:57,875
[laughs]

1306
01:03:57,917 --> 01:03:59,460
I start to tremble

1307
01:03:59,502 --> 01:04:01,546
I start to shake

1308
01:04:01,587 --> 01:04:05,633
I turn into a dummy

1309
01:04:05,675 --> 01:04:09,262
Because             
         I temporarily forget

1310
01:04:09,303 --> 01:04:13,307
That men are disease

1311
01:04:13,349 --> 01:04:14,684
Sing it!

1312
01:04:14,725 --> 01:04:16,936
[all]    Men

1313
01:04:16,978 --> 01:04:18,271
I don't want 'em

1314
01:04:18,312 --> 01:04:19,480
I don't need 'em

1315
01:04:19,522 --> 01:04:21,190
Throw              
        the whole concept away

1316
01:04:21,232 --> 01:04:22,441
Sing it!

1317
01:04:22,483 --> 01:04:23,776
[all]    Men

1318
01:04:23,818 --> 01:04:25,945
That's nice.

1319
01:04:25,987 --> 01:04:30,074
You might try to leave 'em,   
     but they'll find you anyway

1320
01:04:30,116 --> 01:04:33,077
[scatting]

1321
01:04:34,328 --> 01:04:37,248
[vocalizing]

1322
01:04:39,792 --> 01:04:43,045
Stupid, nasty,         
          filthy fucking men

1323
01:04:43,087 --> 01:04:44,881
[vocalizing]

1324
01:04:44,922 --> 01:04:46,424
Sing it.

1325
01:04:46,465 --> 01:04:47,884
[all]    Men

1326
01:04:48,926 --> 01:04:51,804
[cheers and applause]

1327
01:05:07,194 --> 01:05:11,240
Yes, here I am,

1328
01:05:11,282 --> 01:05:15,411
dressed like an extra       
        from   The Gilded Age.

1329
01:05:15,453 --> 01:05:17,496
"Mrs. Astor..."

1330
01:05:17,538 --> 01:05:19,957
That's Carrie Coon,

1331
01:05:19,999 --> 01:05:24,086
the Chicagoland actress.

1332
01:05:24,128 --> 01:05:28,090
Carrie Coon, one of those     
     actresses with a last name

1333
01:05:28,132 --> 01:05:31,135
that you don't know        
      if you should pronounce.

1334
01:05:31,177 --> 01:05:34,305
Carrie Coon, Ruth Negga,

1335
01:05:34,347 --> 01:05:37,350
and so on and so forth.

1336
01:05:37,391 --> 01:05:39,352
You can play the next track.

1337
01:05:39,393 --> 01:05:42,897
lively music playing

1338
01:05:42,939 --> 01:05:46,484
The '20s are coming,      
       but I just can't unwind

1339
01:05:46,525 --> 01:05:48,486
Because there is        
          a something that's

1340
01:05:48,527 --> 01:05:53,407
Always on my mind

1341
01:06:01,457 --> 01:06:03,542
I can't breathe

1342
01:06:05,461 --> 01:06:07,380
I can't breathe

1343
01:06:09,966 --> 01:06:14,095
I-I-I

1344
01:06:14,136 --> 01:06:17,848
I can't breathe

1345
01:06:17,890 --> 01:06:20,059
The sounds of screaming     
           feels like music

1346
01:06:20,101 --> 01:06:21,811
Feels like New Orleans

1347
01:06:21,852 --> 01:06:25,439
Feels like the sound of us   
          crying Black boys

1348
01:06:25,481 --> 01:06:28,317
While others try to make    
      this country become great

1349
01:06:28,359 --> 01:06:31,779
I ruminate on issues      
             and conflate

1350
01:06:31,821 --> 01:06:33,698
I can't breathe         
         like Trayvon Martin

1351
01:06:33,739 --> 01:06:35,491
I can't breathe         
          like Sandra Bland

1352
01:06:35,533 --> 01:06:38,411
I can't breathe as I record   
            my own demise

1353
01:06:38,452 --> 01:06:42,999
With the iPhone in my hand

1354
01:06:43,040 --> 01:06:44,792
I can't breathe         
           like Eric Garner

1355
01:06:44,834 --> 01:06:46,544
I can't breathe         
           like Tamir Rice

1356
01:06:46,585 --> 01:06:48,295
I can't breathe         
        'cause we as Black men

1357
01:06:48,337 --> 01:06:50,214
Most in danger         
        are Black trans lives

1358
01:06:50,256 --> 01:06:52,216
I can't breathe         
          just like Philando

1359
01:06:52,258 --> 01:06:54,176
I can't breathe like      
             Botham Jean

1360
01:06:54,218 --> 01:06:56,554
You might think it's dumb    
          to say their names

1361
01:06:56,595 --> 01:07:00,558
But I'll go on

1362
01:07:00,599 --> 01:07:02,560
Run

1363
01:07:02,601 --> 01:07:07,481
Voice, run

1364
01:07:07,523 --> 01:07:11,027
Right toward

1365
01:07:11,068 --> 01:07:14,655
The sun

1366
01:07:14,697 --> 01:07:15,990
You

1367
01:07:16,032 --> 01:07:20,703
Already won

1368
01:07:20,745 --> 01:07:23,998
So ride on

1369
01:07:24,040 --> 01:07:27,752
Ride on, ride on

1370
01:07:27,793 --> 01:07:29,628
Ride on

1371
01:07:29,670 --> 01:07:32,423
I-I-I

1372
01:07:32,465 --> 01:07:36,427
I

1373
01:07:36,469 --> 01:07:39,847
I-I-I-I-I

1374
01:07:39,889 --> 01:07:43,350
I can't breathe

1375
01:07:43,392 --> 01:07:45,519
And in my niece's eyes

1376
01:07:45,560 --> 01:07:47,271
And in my nephew's smile

1377
01:07:47,313 --> 01:07:48,898
I get the strength       
            to journey on

1378
01:07:48,939 --> 01:07:50,357
And run another mile

1379
01:07:50,399 --> 01:07:52,109
My sister still         
            is proud of me

1380
01:07:52,151 --> 01:07:54,070
My cousin still lives on

1381
01:07:54,111 --> 01:07:55,362
My mother's strength      
             is giving me

1382
01:07:55,403 --> 01:07:57,573
The strength to sing this

1383
01:07:57,615 --> 01:08:01,452
Song

1384
01:08:01,493 --> 01:08:04,371
[cheers and applause]

1385
01:08:12,254 --> 01:08:14,548
The '20s are coming

1386
01:08:14,590 --> 01:08:18,094
But believe you me,       
         we got a ways to go

1387
01:08:18,135 --> 01:08:21,805
It starts when you can see

1388
01:08:21,847 --> 01:08:24,809
That I can't...

1389
01:08:26,519 --> 01:08:27,478
[gasps]

1390
01:08:28,229 --> 01:08:29,563
[sighs]

1391
01:08:31,189 --> 01:08:34,109
[cheers and applause]

1392
01:08:55,381 --> 01:08:58,216
Sometimes comedy is not funny.

1393
01:08:58,259 --> 01:09:01,137
[laughter]

1394
01:09:01,178 --> 01:09:02,555
Dave Chappelle. Okay.

1395
01:09:02,595 --> 01:09:04,890
[laughs]

1396
01:09:04,932 --> 01:09:06,809
You can play            
        the last track, John.

1397
01:09:06,850 --> 01:09:08,602
piano music playing

1398
01:09:08,644 --> 01:09:11,229
The darkest moment       
             of pandemic

1399
01:09:11,272 --> 01:09:15,609
Was when I used my own     
     podcast code for BetterHelp

1400
01:09:24,535 --> 01:09:28,080
Marjorie

1401
01:09:28,122 --> 01:09:30,541
My therapist

1402
01:09:30,583 --> 01:09:35,129
Sweet white lady

1403
01:09:35,171 --> 01:09:37,715
Who gets it

1404
01:09:38,632 --> 01:09:42,511
She listens

1405
01:09:42,553 --> 01:09:46,182
She listens

1406
01:09:46,223 --> 01:09:48,392
I talk

1407
01:09:48,434 --> 01:09:53,272
And I use her          
          like a glory hole

1408
01:09:53,314 --> 01:09:55,149
I walk in

1409
01:09:55,191 --> 01:09:56,108
[whispers] I walk in.

1410
01:09:56,150 --> 01:09:57,443
I get service

1411
01:09:57,484 --> 01:09:58,777
[whispers] I get service.

1412
01:09:58,819 --> 01:10:02,031
I know nothing about her

1413
01:10:02,072 --> 01:10:06,744
Then I leave

1414
01:10:06,785 --> 01:10:09,830
Marjorie

1415
01:10:09,872 --> 01:10:12,708
[cheers and applause]

1416
01:10:12,750 --> 01:10:15,085
Marjorie

1417
01:10:15,127 --> 01:10:18,172
M-m-m-my therapist

1418
01:10:18,214 --> 01:10:23,093
Sweet white lady

1419
01:10:23,135 --> 01:10:26,263
Who gets it

1420
01:10:26,305 --> 01:10:30,100
I doubted her

1421
01:10:30,142 --> 01:10:34,104
I dismissed her

1422
01:10:34,146 --> 01:10:36,565
And I made her

1423
01:10:36,607 --> 01:10:40,569
Just listen to me        
              for weeks

1424
01:10:40,611 --> 01:10:42,446
Marjorie

1425
01:10:42,488 --> 01:10:45,324
But then one day

1426
01:10:45,366 --> 01:10:47,159
One day

1427
01:10:47,201 --> 01:10:51,121
She said something       
               profound

1428
01:10:51,163 --> 01:10:53,332
And I was like, "You've been 
     listening this entire time?

1429
01:10:53,374 --> 01:10:55,000
You fucking bitch"

1430
01:10:55,042 --> 01:10:58,629
Marjorie

1431
01:10:58,671 --> 01:11:02,466
But then I lost         
             my insurance

1432
01:11:02,508 --> 01:11:05,970
And I couldn't see       
               Marjorie

1433
01:11:06,011 --> 01:11:08,389
And I tried to email      
     and telephone her to my desk

1434
01:11:08,430 --> 01:11:10,182
I tried to update her      
     on my entire life's success

1435
01:11:10,224 --> 01:11:11,684
I tried to see if she could   
      see me for a sliding scale

1436
01:11:11,725 --> 01:11:14,436
Or for a similar low fee

1437
01:11:16,355 --> 01:11:19,942
But Marjorie

1438
01:11:19,984 --> 01:11:21,986
Stopped her practice

1439
01:11:22,027 --> 01:11:24,488
Because of

1440
01:11:24,530 --> 01:11:29,576
A medical emergency

1441
01:11:29,952 --> 01:11:34,248
And I know nothing

1442
01:11:34,290 --> 01:11:38,460
About Marjorie

1443
01:11:38,502 --> 01:11:42,172
And she was never

1444
01:11:42,214 --> 01:11:46,010
My glory hole

1445
01:11:46,051 --> 01:11:50,097
But her glory and my story

1446
01:11:50,139 --> 01:11:52,308
Intertwine

1447
01:11:52,349 --> 01:11:57,187
Into this rhyme

1448
01:11:58,397 --> 01:12:02,860
Marjorie

1449
01:12:02,901 --> 01:12:05,612
Marjorie

1450
01:12:08,407 --> 01:12:11,327
[cheers and applause]

1451
01:12:13,746 --> 01:12:16,373
I'm Larry Owens.

1452
01:12:16,415 --> 01:12:18,542
Have a great night!

1453
01:12:18,584 --> 01:12:21,503
[cheers and applause]

1454
01:12:24,590 --> 01:12:28,886
Larry fucking Owens.

1455
01:12:28,927 --> 01:12:32,723
What a darling.

1456
01:12:32,765 --> 01:12:35,059
I wanted to tell you about     
   a night a couple of years ago.

1457
01:12:35,100 --> 01:12:36,393
And I was at home.         
     I thought, "You know what?

1458
01:12:36,435 --> 01:12:38,395
I'll go to Club Cumming      
           for a nightcap.

1459
01:12:38,437 --> 01:12:39,730
It's my bar. I'm Alan Cumming.

1460
01:12:39,772 --> 01:12:41,357
I can do what the fuck I like."

1461
01:12:41,398 --> 01:12:43,817
So I went for a nightcap.     
       And I was walking over.

1462
01:12:43,859 --> 01:12:45,652
And my friend Emma Stone...

1463
01:12:45,694 --> 01:12:47,196
You know who told me        
         never to name drop?

1464
01:12:47,237 --> 01:12:48,405
Robert De Niro.

1465
01:12:50,574 --> 01:12:52,910
...said to me,

1466
01:12:52,951 --> 01:12:54,578
"Alan, are you going        
      to Club Cumming tonight?"

1467
01:12:54,620 --> 01:12:56,538
I was like, "Emma Stone, I'm    
   walking over there right now."

1468
01:12:56,580 --> 01:12:58,040
And she went,           
      "Gosh, well, guess what.

1469
01:12:58,082 --> 01:12:59,917
I am with Billie Jean King."

1470
01:12:59,958 --> 01:13:01,460
More name dropping.

1471
01:13:01,502 --> 01:13:03,128
And so I walk over         
     to Club Cumming and I say,

1472
01:13:03,170 --> 01:13:04,338
"Hey, everybody, Emma Stone

1473
01:13:04,380 --> 01:13:05,506
and Billie Jean King        
             are coming.

1474
01:13:05,547 --> 01:13:06,965
Be cool."

1475
01:13:07,007 --> 01:13:08,759
And we're chatting         
        and blah, blah, blah.

1476
01:13:08,801 --> 01:13:10,177
And then about           
          20 minutes later,

1477
01:13:10,219 --> 01:13:12,054
Emma calls me and goes,      
         "Holy fucking shit,

1478
01:13:12,096 --> 01:13:14,306
Paul McCartney           
         wants to come too!"

1479
01:13:14,348 --> 01:13:15,933
And it's like a joke.       
           Paul McCartney,

1480
01:13:15,974 --> 01:13:20,312
Billie Jean King,         
   and Emma Stone walk into a bar.

1481
01:13:21,188 --> 01:13:23,107
And everyone is trying       
           to remain cool

1482
01:13:23,148 --> 01:13:25,734
with varying degrees        
             of success.

1483
01:13:25,776 --> 01:13:27,277
And so I'm chatting to Paul,

1484
01:13:27,319 --> 01:13:29,196
who is absolutely as charming   
        as you might imagine.

1485
01:13:29,238 --> 01:13:30,614
And we're having drinks      
           and everything.

1486
01:13:30,656 --> 01:13:32,116
And I sort of said,        
          "You know, Paul,

1487
01:13:32,157 --> 01:13:34,785
do you--you know,         
     would you fancy getting up

1488
01:13:34,827 --> 01:13:36,370
and singing a song?"

1489
01:13:36,412 --> 01:13:40,124
And he went, "No!         
     I've just spent three hours

1490
01:13:40,165 --> 01:13:42,626
singing at             
        the Barclays Centre."

1491
01:13:42,668 --> 01:13:47,297
And I was like, "Well, that's   
    a yes or no question, Paul."

1492
01:13:47,339 --> 01:13:51,135
But then he must have felt bad   
          because he went,

1493
01:13:51,176 --> 01:13:53,720
"But I'll accompany you,      
         if you like, Alan."

1494
01:13:55,848 --> 01:14:00,144
So Emma Stone and I go up on    
   the tiny stage at Club Cumming

1495
01:14:00,185 --> 01:14:04,523
and sang "Part of Your World"   
      from   The Little Mermaid.

1496
01:14:04,565 --> 01:14:07,901
And Paul McCartney accompanied   
        us on the harmonica.

1497
01:14:07,943 --> 01:14:11,905
Dreams do come true, everybody.

1498
01:14:11,947 --> 01:14:13,407
And dreams have          
         come true tonight.

1499
01:14:13,449 --> 01:14:14,867
My dreams have           
         come true tonight.

1500
01:14:14,908 --> 01:14:16,994
Thank you all for watching.

1501
01:14:17,035 --> 01:14:18,537
The motto at Club Cumming

1502
01:14:18,579 --> 01:14:20,164
is all ages, all genders,     
             all colors,

1503
01:14:20,205 --> 01:14:22,332
all sexualities,          
          kindness is all,

1504
01:14:22,374 --> 01:14:25,043
and anything could happen.

1505
01:14:25,085 --> 01:14:27,504
And it frequently does,      
          let me tell you.

1506
01:14:27,546 --> 01:14:30,799
And, people, the next time     
        you come to New York,

1507
01:14:30,841 --> 01:14:32,509
come to Club Cumming        
           for a cocktail.

1508
01:14:32,551 --> 01:14:34,553
See you then. Thank you.

1509
01:14:34,595 --> 01:14:37,514
[cheers and applause]

1510
01:14:55,157 --> 01:14:56,533
You fucking nailed it.