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ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
please put your hands together for Cocoa Brown!
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
[R&B MUSIC PLAYING]
What is happening?
How y'all doing?
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
We are outside! We are outside, y'all.
Oh, it feels so good to breathe real air.
I now know how a penis feel in a condom.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I tell you I'll be going through this pandemic, honey.
You gotta warn me, though. You know.
I don't know about y'all, but I got trapped in a pandemic.
Stuck in the house for a year with a 8-year-old.
Where my parents at? Where my parents at?
I tell you, being a single parent, you ain't got nobody to put them on.
Somebody could have warned me that kids control everything you do and everything you watch.
I couldn't watch shit.
Somebody asked me other day, "Girl, what's your favorite show"?
I said, "I don't know, bitch. Caillou."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Y'all know about Caillou?
Can I ask y'all something? He got cancer?
'Cause that little fucker ain't grown no hair in 4976 episodes.
And where the hell is his eyebrows? Is is alopecia?
I just want to know if I need to pray for him, that's all.
Look at his head. That's not his real daddy.
That's Charlie Brown, baby, Look at that nigga head.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Man. I watched so much of my son's stuff,
I just started talking like them, honey.
I was on the phone with Amazon one day. I just broke out in Peppa Pig.
Hello, My name is Peppa.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And this is my brother, George.
Oh, Daddy. [GRUNTS] Just [GRUNTS]
Just when my package be here, ho? When my package be here?
Shoot. I'm telling you, it's crazy.
And then I went into the pandemic single.
Oh, Lord. I didn't get to mess around and build my roster.
Being single in a pandemic is terrible
'cause after about month number four, honey, I'm on Facebook
looking at dudes I ain't talked to in 20 years.
Talking about how your marriage working out, you know.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You still like that bitch? Let me know.
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -[BROWN LAUGHING]
'Cause imma tell you something. I never thought a million years that I'd be single at my age.
You know? I was married, you know, And I love being married.
I just hated who the fuck I was married to.
You know, I think some of y'all can relate. You know?
[BROWN LAUGHING]
You know I'm saying? it was like I was with this person
and I loved him, but he just wouldn't act right.
He had this condition I couldn't deal with called nigga won't work.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I can deal with a lot of shit, but you ain't bringing no check in this house?
Honey, please. Honey, let me tell you something.
You know how good your peepee got to be?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I better be going to my job every day in a wheelchair. Understand me?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But he'll be cracking me up, you know.
'Cause this dude really think that that's the bomb, you know.
Just having a penis make them a man.
I'm like, "No, baby. That don't make you you no man."
You know what I'm saying? My daddy, a real man.
My daddy worked his ass off for 32 years, honey.
He lost his job one time.
And you think he let my momma take care of him?
Hell, no. He didn't ever gave that bitch that kind of power.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
My dad went and got him some secondhand lawnmowers, honey.
Started cutting grass around the neighborhood.
That's kind of love I want, honey.
Make a whole black man turned to Mexican. That's kind of love I want.
[AUDIENCE SCREAMING]
He changed his whole race.
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -[BROWN LAUGHING]
But he'll be tripping me out.
'Cause he do really think having a penis make them a man.
That don't make you a man, booboo. It don't.
It's a lot of levels to being a man,
and some of y'all think just having that thing swing between your legs
make you a man. No, sir.
'Cause if that's the case, I've been a man a long time
'cause I've got three dicks in my top drawer.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And I ain't gotta never worry about talkin 'bout he tired! He tired!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But I do. I be wanting, you know, a dude my age,
but they got these dang old standards, now, man.
I don't know why dudes do this to us, they raise the bar for us so much.
Why they do that to sisters?
They do it to us. They don't do it to any other race of women but us.
They wanna raise the bar. We gotta be damn near perfect for a man to want us.
And my thing is this, you can have all the demands you want,
just make sure you got that same shit you asking me for.
You can't ask me to have shit you ain't got, home boy. You understand me?
They be killing me, honey, I'll be calling them out.
They be like, "I only date chicks with long, pretty hair."
Fool, you baldheaded with two dreads hanging on.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You ain't got no edges either. Okay?
You wear a hat, I wear a wig. Let's go. Come on. We even.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"I only date chicks with light eyes and green eyes."
Fool, you cockeyed. We ain't gonna never see eye to eye.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I ain't gonna never see your point.
We're always gonna be arguing. Who the bitch you keep looking at behind me?
"I only date chicks with good credit."
Fool, they turned your ass down to Cricket. Okay?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"I only date chicks with pretty toes and pretty feet."
Every time you take your shoes off small animals die in a 5-mile radius.
Eagle-talon, cray as a slave,
walking on burning sands-ass, crushed-ass, coal miner's ass daughter
running for your freedom-ass, fucked up feet,
old crushed up toes 'cause your mom ain't bought the right size shoes
when you was little, old monkey-paw-having-ass.
Every time you go barefoot, you pick up spare change and lint.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
You know what I'm talking about.
Be rubbing them hard ass feet on me at night, thinking that shit feel good
'cause my eyes closed. Oh, I'm losing blood, bitch.
I'm dying. I'm bleeding out.
I'm weak. I'm weak.
Talking about I only date chicks with pretty teeth and a pretty smile.
Every time you open your mouth I'm like, "Happy Halloween."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Oh, October 31st-having-ass mouth.
It's Halloween all year long in your mouth.
Got the nerve to be talking some trash.
Fool, you can't even eat solid food,
old blending, blending, barbecue jello pudding eating-ass.
We can't never go to Outback. I order a steak. Imma fuck your life up.
All we can do is order creamed spinach and mashed potatoes.
Old strong-ass right y'all
'cause you can't chew gum on the left side ass.
They get on my nerves, man.
They be the man once. Just eating cooch from the side.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You don't turn your head, I'm gonna suffocate your ass.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
There's a dude here right now, mad as shit, laughing like this.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
She wild. She wild.
Talking about "She don't know me." Yes, I do.
You probably got a nice ass car outside. I can't stand that shit.
Dude with a nice ass car, with fucked up teeth. Where your priorities at?
What bitch is letting this shit ride?
Talking about how you like my rims.
I don't need to melt the fuckers down and make some braces.
Look like you're riding around chewing on frozen sunflower seeds.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And the one that pisses me off in my spirit, in my spirit,
is how they demand, ladies, that we have perfect bodies.
We can't have no flaws.
They be the man once with all them demands
with all of us being perfect. We got to have perfect bodies.
His ass built like the Mucinex man.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You built like a whole booger.
Every time you come in the room naked, your titties out,
I'm like, "Fool, I'm questioning my sexuality."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yeah, I said it. Titties bigger than mine.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
They put so many demands. We have to have the perfect body, honey.
Gotta be the right height, the right weight.
No excess weight, perfect titties, perfect ass, no stretch marks,
our knees and elbows gotta be the same color.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
His chick's in here right now.
She got so much cocoa butter on, every time that bitch laughs, she's slides.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And they demand we have flat stomachs.
Really? You know how many women in here wannna laugh right now?
But that waist trainer got her fucked up.
She's just sitting there...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
She got to pee like a mofo, but she can't go to the bathroom.
She'd miss the whole damn show trying to unsnap them 76 hooks.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
She's just seating in her seat, giggling and pissing, giggling and pissing.
Gonna have your whole car smell like a nursing home.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yeah, I said it.
-[BROWN CHUCKLES] -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But it's so crazy to be with us.
It's like, as I've gotten older, the dudes that try to holler at me get younger.
You know what I'm saying?
And I don't mind being a cougar.
I don't mind being a cougar, but I don't want just any kind of young dude.
I said I'd rather have one
you know, that's, you know... I don't want one going to school,
in a good relationship with his parents.
That's too much self-esteem. A bitch gotta keep up.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Give me one with no hopes, no dreams.
For real.
I was riding around New York today looking for niggas with no hope.
I had my trunk full of young boy bait too, honey.
You know, white T-shirts, loose Newports,
nickel bags of weed.
I had a whole PS5. That's all you, boo. That's all you.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I like them young bucks 'cause they impressed with simple shit, you know.
Like a queen size bed on a frame.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
He ain't never seen no bed up high before. He's so fascinated.
He kept looking for the pump.
I'm like, "Nigga, that's a box spring. What the hell wrong with you?"
He's like, "Can I put my shoes under there?"
"You sure can. Go on and slide them shoes under there. Get comfy."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
They fascinated with simple shit, like a matching fitted and flat sheet.
You know what I'm saying? Home for the sex.
He went in my bathroom, his mind was blown.
He had never seen decorative tiles like, "Uh, don't touch that.
"Touch that green one on the sink here."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Man, he was messing around looking for the toilet paper.
I'm like, "It's right there, you know, on the roll."
He's on the back of the tank looking for McDonald's napkins.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
He went in my kitchen. He had never seen a clean microwave in his life.
He thought I had just bought the bitch.
I said, we clean our shit right here.
Don't nobody want apple pie and mac n cheese, fool.
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -[BROWN CHUCKLES]
He kept looking through all my damn containers, talking bout, "It's all butter."
I'm like, "That's Country Crock. What the hell wrong with you?
"We got Tupperware around here."
He kept looking for the ketchup. I'm like, "It's in the Frigidaire."
His ass in the drawer, looking for soy sauce packets.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
He caught my tv on, honey. He was blown away.
He was like, "Damn your shit go up to 800."
That's right, baby. That's real cable.
We ain't gotta wait and steal nobody WiFi around this bitch.
You want to see who shot Ghost? Press play.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Oh, yes, honey. I love being a cougar, honey.
They be cracking me up.
Those little young bucks, though, they talk more trash than Li'l Bit.
Swear up and down he gonna do something to you ain't never been done before.
I'm like, "Little boy. Please."
I'm grown. I done did everything and ah yeah, yeah.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Hell, I done did some shit I'm trying to forget.
I'm still trying to get that taste out of my mouth from Freaknik 95.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
All or nothing. All or nothing. I'm glad I hoed when I hoed, honey.
I feel sorry for you little young girls 'cause you can't go out here
and wild out, and experiment, and do things
'cause you're shit gonna end up on TikTok.
Worldstar. Shade Room.
I'm glad I hoed in the '90s, honey.
Yeah, I did my dirt. Where my grown women at?
Okay. Grown women.
We are marked safe from the bullshit.
All of us done got saved. The husband's there.
He don't know the shit we used to do.
He wondered what that smell is every now and then.
Be like, "Let it ride. Let it ride."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
If you find out I was hoeing, your ass was looking for my shit.
You went up to somebody's attic and went through some VHS tapes.
Now you found me giving head in between Living Single, and New York Undercover.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You had to go through 32 seasons of Martinto find my shit.
-[BROWN LAUGHING] -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You just got to be careful with them, you know,
them little young bucks, them 25, 26-year-olds, honey.
Their ass get happy, honey. They keep falling in love, nose get open.
I had one, 22. Don't judge me. I was just trying to see something.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
He gone mess around, telling me "I want you to meet my momma."
I don't want to meet your momma!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
He gonna trick me and take me to her house.
She opened the door. Me and this bitch went to high school together.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I was like, "Keesha Williams, is this your son?
"The one you had in 10th grade. This little Mai-Mai? This little Mai-Mai?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Well, girl, you raised a fine young man. I didn't know what to tell her.
I said he ain't goin' ever be the same.
-[BROWN LAUGHING] -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But I think the biggest thing that we have now is that, you know,
people don't take relationship seriously anymore.
People don't understand that relationships are work.
You have to do maintenance on relationships.
You have to treat a relationship like a car.
You take a car in for maintenance, get your wheels rotated,
your oil changed, your windshield wipers.
You've gotta do that in relationships.
Some of y'all sitting here right now,
you've been riding around for three years with your check engine light on
in your relationship, and then got the nerve to get mad
when that bitch blow up on the highway.
You've got to put work into that.
That's why I miss the old school, man.
Maybe I'm just getting old. But I remember being courted.
What happened to men courting you?
Men don't even know what the hell that is anymore, man.
I asked this dude the other day, "You going to court me?" He's like "I ain't got no cases."
I'm like, "You know what?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And men knew that was levels to this shit. You know what I'm saying?
Dudes just didn't jump on, you know, and try to get the booty.
Nowadays, these dudes meet you on Wednesday,
screw you on Tuesday, ghost you on Wednesday. You know what I'm saying?
No, there's levels to it. Back in the day dudes knew it was levels, man.
You'd meet a dude out, and he would actually approach you like a man.
A gentleman. You know what I'm saying?
Whoever you heifers out here getting mad at dudes opening your doors,
and pulling out your chairs, I hope your ass catch rickets.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
'Cause men don't know how to be gentlemen anymore 'cause of your dumb ass.
You know what I'm saying?
'Cause you don't know how to be a lady!
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
You know what I'm saying? I remember dudes, man, they would talk to you,
and they'd get your number, and they would actually call you.
Remember that?
Be on the phone till the wee hours of the night
talking about, "You hang up." "No, you hang up."
You fall asleep. "You sleep?"
Oh, no. What you talking about that new Keith Sweat album. That's cool. You know, like...
Now, the dude gets your number. All he do is text the fuck out of you.
Text you for six months thinking that's going to get him some ass.
And can I just say for the record, men,
some of y'all don't ever need to text again in life because your ass can't spell.
I'm tired of having to get a dictionary and a glossary
to figure out what the hell you saying to me.
If your whole text message is in red, it's wrong.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And then I don't even get mad at the young'uns, the millennials,
because that's all they know how to do.
Slide in DMs, text you. It's you old cats that know better,
that you came up in the era of courting a woman. You know what to do.
Your dumb ass out here, texting my ass on a flip phone.
You ain't got no damn emojis. You making them shits with hashtags and commas.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You're sitting up here trying to send me abbreviations like you hip.
You know, the young ones, they can never spell shit out. It's...
WYA, where you at? WYD, what you doing?
Here come your old ass trying to be hip. Talking about MMLA.
"What's that?" "Meet me at the Legion."
Get the fuck off my phone, Clarence.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Dudes understood it was levels, you know?
And they didn't go out of their way to jump on the ass
when you finally told them they could have it.
I remember a time when men knew how to romance you.
Remember that shit?
They would plan for that wonderful evening.
For that monumental evening, they'd planned for it.
You know? You would tell him he finally earned it.
And he said, "All right, it's going down on Wednesday, but it's Monday."
You had 72 hours to plan.
He had time to do what he had to do.
And when that morning came around,
girls, remember when you used to prepare for that evening?
First thing you did was pull out that bra and panty set you've been saving.
The one you only wear on special dick-cations.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So young girls don't know what I'm talking about.
You know what I'm saying? I think that's the problem with y'all now,
and why the stock of ass done went down, like, three percent.
'Cause y'all are out here just giving out ass for stupid shit
like 2 for $20 from Applebee's. You know what I'm saying?
All he gotta do is say, "Hi, here." Bitch, what the hell wrong with you?
But back in my day, honey, we might have had the urge to screw you early,
but we never let that urge overcome us.
We wanted you to respect us, to earn that shit.
Understand what I'm saying?
You young girls don't know what I'm talking about.
You see, grown women know how to control their kitty cat. Yes, we do.
And it's something very simple as wearing a certain type of drawers
when you go out with a man.
See, when you were my age back in the day, honey,
we went out with a dude, we might have been feeling him, wanting to give him some.
We made sure we had on the right type of drawers.
So you young girls out here going out here with thongs on and no drawers.
That's why your little coochie running around here with no purpose, no direction.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But my age group, honey, we knew to get that three pack you get from Walmart
that come in pink, and baby blue, and lilac.
The ones that were so long you can tuck under your bra and make a homemade Spanx.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I don't care how good your game was,
you won't see any big ass drawers.
But tonight he gets them little drawers, them little tiny ones.
You know, the ones you put on and pull over your stomach
and as soon as you make a breath, the motherfucker fall right here.
You know some of y'all sitting here, riding them drawers,
been stuck the whole show.
You like, "Bitch, I think I had a stroke. I can't feel my foot." You know.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You went in the bathroom and you prepared that body for him.
Yes, you did. You know? You prepared that body for him.
You know what I'm saying? we made sure we washed and shaved everything.
You know what I'm saying? Yes, sir. That's old school, honey.
You used to get that shaving cream, and that razor, and that mirror.
Put that leg up on that sink.
And you got like Picasso!
Gave him a landing strip, or a triangle, or a circle.
Just enough for him to know you was a grown ass woman.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But, oh, no. Now you've got these new age men.
Want it bald!
What kind of sick ass Law and Order SVU Olivia Benson shit is this?
I'm grown as hell.
How the hell I look, laying on the bed, I'm 48 from here to here,
now, all of a sudden, the bitch three. That's sick, motherfucker!
That's nasty.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Get on my nerves.
I had one dude tell me "I can't eat it if it got hair in it."
Then you ain't no real man!
'Cause a real man eat it with hair. [IMITATES COUGHING UP HAIR]
Put your arm up. Put your arm up.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You would go out the bathroom after you dry off
and put on your little 4 for 25,
you know, your little sweet pea. sweet pea, warm vanilla, sugar. You know what I'm saying?
Whole body smelled like 3rd grade.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You put on your little outfit and go to his house, he be preparing for you all day.
As soon as you walk in the door, you can see he got on them
dollar store candles lit with no smell.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You know, men don't know that tea lights ain't supposed to be lit by themselves.
They really thought they caught a deal because they got 150 for $6.99. at T.J.Maxx.
So he done lit all 150, got the whole house smelling like hot wax and hope.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You walk in the kitchen, he done made that one meal
that all single men know how to make. Spaghetti.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yes, sir, honey. But you special.
He done put that shit in two different pots.
Got the noodles boiling al dente.
He got ground turkey 'cause he know you don't eat ground beef or pork.
You know, he even put green peppers and onions in it,
but he didn't know they suppose to be chopped up small.
He got the whole fucking slice in there with the seeds and everything.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You know, he even put cheese on 'cause he know you like cheese. You know?
But he don't know it supposed to be Romano, Parmesan, mozzarella.
No, he done put 19 slices of Kraft American singles on this bitch.
He done make this shit a quesadilla.
Now you got Mexican and Italian, you know.
He even had your favorite wine on the table, honey.
If you're old school like me, that shit was Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.
Come on, old school.
You young girls don't know what y'all are talking about
'cause y'all be like, "Scotto. Scotto." Scotto ain't shit.
That's a little girl drink.
That's your jam.
See, Scotto make you giggle, Boone's Farm make you wiggle. It's some different shit...
with that Boone's Farm.
After y'all finished eating, y'all would move to the living room,
and somehow they would always produce a bowl of warm baby oil.
I don't know where that shit came from.
But he wanted to massage you. They always wanted to massage you.
You know what I'm saying? He would start with the feet.
And you could feel your feet just sizzling. 'Cause that shit was 412 degrees.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And if he was really feeling you,
he had took the time the day before to make a slow jam mixtape.
Remember that shit, old school?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Had your name on it. Keisha.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Had a little Jodeci, a little Keith Sweat.
A little Luther, little Sade.
A little Boyz II Men so you didn't feel like a ho-hoe.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
If he didn't have that slow jam mixtape,
he knew at ten o'clock to put that Quiet Storm on.
Remember the Quiet Storm, honey?
When you had Smokey, you had four hours of sex music, honey.
If you couldn't get no ass in four hours, man, your game suck!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But you can't even trust the radios no more.
They play too many damn commercials for one.
They play the wrong commercial.
You can't play slow jams and a herpes commercial. That's just wrong.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Then they mess around and play the wrong slow song.
Ain't nothing worse. They been playing Prince or playing all the good shit.
And you feel them legs just shaking
'cause he's massaged you in all the right places.
And right when about to say, "You can have it, Daddy!"
DJ mess up the whole mood, playing the wrong slow song.
♪ Never would have made it
Lord, take me home. The Lord don't want this.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
The Lord don't want this. Take me home.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I'll tell you something, honey. Living in Atlanta opened my eyes up.
I moved there about 5 years ago.
And baby, y'all I'll be coming down to Atlanta on your little boys' trips.
I see you.
Y'all come down there, honey, and get you a bad bitch out of the strip club.
You out there bragging. I'll be walking by, smooth as hell,
trying to help you out. "That's a nigga!"
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -[BROWN LAUGHING]
"That's Tyrone."
I mean, some of them heifers, man, make me go home and re-evaluate my life.
They are beautiful. You understand what I'm saying?
Which all men be so wanting perfection, honey.
I'm saying, you meet you a bad bitch of 2021
you better ask that hoe for a third grade school picture.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
'Cause y'all getting got.
You so busy looking at that titties and that ass,
you don't realize this bitch wear a size 15 shoe.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Don't know a real woman with no size 15 shoe.
You don't realize her jawline strong as a motherfucker.
She eat Jolly Ranchers like gummy bears, you know?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You don't realize every time she hold your hand
that hand just encompasses your hand.
And her nail bed is as big as fuck.
Every fingernail tip is a thumbnail That's a dead giveaway.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Some of y'all are so stupid, you really be thinking, you know,
like, "Yeah, dude." You know, "She don't make me strap up
or wear nothing. She can't get pregnant." I bet she can't!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You thinking your pull out game's strong. Hell no. Your sperm confused as shit.
'Cause every time you let one go, your sperm like... [SPITS]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yo, back up. It's a setup. We just left here. We just left here.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Better find you a heifer with a c-section scar.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[BROWN CHUCKLES]
Talking about the one with the zipper, with the staples.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But I realized since I've been in Atlanta, man,
I get hit on by more women than I do men.
You know what I'm saying? And it's so funny 'cause I wasn't ready, you know?
No disrespect, you know.
Do you, not me. That's not my thing.
You know, my gay friends be like,
"Girl, How can you knock something you ain't never even tried?"
I'm like, "Bitch, I ain't never drink battery acid, but I know it'll kill me."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I'm sorry. Ain't no man hurt me that bad yet, I ain't there yet.
-[BROWN LAUGHING] -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But imma tell you something, honey. Them hoes in Atlanta, boy,
I don't know what the hell. Them bitches are Decepticons.
I don't know what kind of testosterone smoothie they're drinking,
but you can't tell no more.
You know what I'm saying? I had one roll up on me
looking like Gucci Mane. I said, "What the fuck?"
Bitch looked like Rick Ross.
I'm like, "How you get a full beard and an Adam's apple."
This is some bullshit.
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -[BROWN LAUGHING]
Let them use you. Let them use you.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
For real, and I don't know if any of you ever been hollered at
by one of them studs, as they call 'em.
Don't look that bitch in the eye 'cause you will get got.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
They know how to speak to your spirit as a woman.
'Cause they used to be one, you know?
Yeah, I said it.
I'm in a club one night celebrating my girlfriend's job promotion.
We didn't know at midnight, it turned into a lesbian club.
We've been there since 7:00.
Doing Patron shots. We lit!
This motherfucker rolled up on me.
About 6' 1", with cornrows and a baby goatee.
I locked eyes.
That bitch started spitting game to me better than any man.
"Yo, what's up?
"You're gorgeous. You're beautiful. Let me holler at you for a second.
"You're a queen. Let me adjust your crown. You know what I'm saying?
"Nobody could love you the way I could love you.
"You know what I'm saying? 'Cause I'm you and you're me. We're soulmates."
My drunk ass like, "True, true."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"True. True!"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yes, nigga. Now, I'm slow dancing with a bitch named Cookie.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
My home girl like, "Come here." I'm like, "What?"
She's like, "Bitch, that's a bitch." And I was like, "Bitch!"
I done gave this hoe my number. We're going to the damn Bahamas next week. Shit.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And I can't lie. You know what I'm saying?
I am really contemplating, thinking, possibly, about dating outside my race.
Now, let me say for the record, I love black men! God knows I do.
[AUDIENCE HOOTS]
There's something about the black men I just love, honey.
Something about his walk, his talk, his swagger.
You know what I'm saying?
Something about when you're in his presence,
you can feel the presence of the ancestors.
♪ Eee-yay-ye Eee-yay-ye ♪
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Something about a man that get out the shower
and if he don't put lotion on, you can write your whole name on his back.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You can cheat on me if you want to.
That bitch gonna be like, "Who the fuck is Cocoa?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I will tag your back like a Puerto Rican, I swear to God.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But I've been fortunate to travel this whole world
and meet black women from every continent, every country.
And I hear the same shit. "I can't find a good man. Where the good men at?"
And I'm like, this is crazy as shit to me.
But it made me realize that there's one thing that black women
all over the world have in common, no matter where we are.
We are some loyal motherfuckers.
We are loyal.
'Cause do you realize sisters that we are the only race of women
that base love on race?
Any other race of women will defy her family,
her culture, her religion for love.
But black women,
knowing there's a whole ocean out there,
will stay put,
fishing in the same lake.
Catching the same fucking guppies.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Hoping we get some different shit.
And I think it's time, ladies. It's time
for us to see beyond race and find love where it finds us. Life is too short.
You know? But every time I do this joke, I swear,
there's always some woke-ass, dreaded, frankincense-immersed motherfucker,
rolling up on me, mad as shit.
Talking about how are you gonna tell Black women to jump ship on us?
I'm like, you got some damn nerve, Jamal!
[CROWD LAUGHS]
'Cause all Negroes been jumping ship on us
since we came here on ships.
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
Couldn't wait to get your black ass off the boat, shackles and all,
to holla at Miss Millie. "What is your name?
"I've never seen skin so clear.
"Your eyes are like the ocean. Your hair is like wheat.
"Your skin is like milk.
"I like to stick my spear in you. What is your name?"
[CROWD CLAPPING]
But got the nerve to get mad when you see a black woman jump ship.
Lemme tell you why they get mad, boo boo.
'Cause nine times out of ten,
when a Black woman do jump ship,
that bitch jump to a cruiseliner.
When have you ever seen a Black woman jump down when she jump ship?
Now Black men, no disrespect,
but I have realized from my research
that when y'all jump, y'all don't give a flying fuck where y'all land.
I've seen y'all with some questionable flotation devices, honey.
[CROWD CHEERING]
You don't give a fuck, a canoe, a tugboat, a raft,
a piece of wood, a seashell,
you don't give a shit.
You'll be up here giving your sisters a hard time,
but you walking around proud as fuck with Honey Boo Boo.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
Never understood this shit.
But when Black women jump ship, honey, we go hard.
Look at the track record.
Venus and Serena, multi-millionaires.
Eve, billionaire.
Janet Jackson found a man who owns sand.
How do you own all the sand in the world?
[CROWD LAUGHS]
And Megan Markle got the ultimate come up.
You can say what you want, she got a whole damn prince.
And lemme tell you something, honey, if you do not think
that Black girl magic is real, let me break it down to you.
'Cause Megan Markel is the epitome.
Megan Markel ain't but half Black, and she very rarely claimed that shit.
But Black girl magic is so powerful
that that biracial woman had the power
to make a red-headed, freckle-faced white boy from England
walk in Buckingham Palace,
and look his grandmother, the Queen, in the face
and say with his whole chest, "Fuck your crown!
"Don't need none of this shit.
"Me and my bitch is going to L.A. to make movies. Wu Tang forever, bitch!"
[CROWD CLAPPING]
[CROWD LAUGHS]
And he sat there quiet as shit when she was like,
"And your whole family racist." God damn.
For real.
And my thing is this, if I am going to jump ship,
Imma jump to something lucrative.
I've been doing my research, and I have discovered
that Middle Eastern men love themselves some Black women.
And hunty, lemme tell you something.
If you think you know somebody in America with money,
uh-uh! Mmm-mmm!
Get your ass to Dubai, Abu Dhabi.
That's money, money, money, money, money, money.
I would move there, but it's too goddamn hot.
It's a 137 at three in the morning.
Last time I went, I saw the devil in his shorts, said, "That's some bullshit.
"I need to go home, I'm cooking."
But I'm seeing people over there with ignorant money.
I saw a dude pull up to the airport in a jet.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
What the fuck are you gonna get on now?
I'm seeing chicks walking around completely covered up.
All you can see is this shit.
$50,000 Rolex, $100,000 Birkin.
Red bottoms I ain't never seen before.
I said, for that kind of come up,
shit, I'd be a sheet-wearing bitch with a midget blowing smoke up my ass.
I'm like, "Come on, Habib."
[CROWD LAUGHS]
And I'll tell you something. I'm taking my Black ass to Abu Dhabi.
I am. I'm gonna take my chances and watch what happens.
Next time you see me, I'll be standing next to a Bentley and a jet.
Holding a beige baby like DJ Kala Loki.
I'm gonna be standing there,
wearing a whole burka.
Hey y'all, this is little Loch-Loch. Yeah, me and Loch-Loch,
you know his daddy, Muhammad.
Yeah, That's my jet. Hold, little girl. We gotta pray.
I will never do my makeup again, but my lashes will be on fleek.
[CROWD CHEERING]
I think every Black woman should get her an Asian man.
You know much money they're making off us Black women?
With hair and nails, and we ain't getting none of that back? Shit.
I'm looking for Me and Mr. Miyagi.
Yeah, yeah, but I ain't going forget where I came from.
Hell, no. We're just gonna combine our cultures.
Get a hot wing nail salon, beauty supply.
You come in and and get some French tips,
six bundles of Yaki Bone Straight and a ten-piece Lemon Pepper Wet,
all in one shot.
Call that shit, Ling Ling Brown's Wings and Weaves.
Make that shit a franchise.
Yes, and I do wanna, you know, try a White boy.
How you doing?
I do. I wanna know what that white privilege feel like.
Walk into a bank or a car dealership and hear words
like welcome, thank you for coming, you're approved.
You mean, we ain't got to get no co-signer and no money down?
Shit, Ethan, we're gonna make it.
Hell, yeah.
Shit, I like the way white boys think. They work real hard for 30 years.
Retire, move to Florida, buy a boat, go missing, life is good.
I know a lot of sisters talking about
well, I don't know about white boys,
you know, because y'all still believe that myth
about penis size. Don't you believe that shit.
I've been watching a lot of white porn lately.
There's some white boys out here swinging. Got them choke 'ems.
You ever had a choke 'em?
Thing so big, when you put it in
make you sound like the lion in The Wizard of Oz.
[GASPS] Take it out. Take it out. I need courage.
I need courage. It's too big. [EXCLAIMING]
I'm looking around the room, and some of you may have never heard that sound before.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
That's all right. Let me give you a sound, you might have heard.
[SIGHS]
[CROWD CLAPPING AND CHEERING]
[LAUGHS MISCHIEVOUSLY]
And it's funny because, you know, I think the thing that irritates me is that,
you know, we have come so disconnected,
as men and women, when it comes to relationships.
You know, men think they're players and women think they're players.
But in the end, let's be 100.
Women are the most gangster at that shit.
We're the most gangster at that shit.
Men think they're such players, you know.
But y'all messed up the game every time because y'all have different values
when it comes to out here living your life and doing dirt.
You know, when it comes to cheating, y'all believe in quantity over quality.
And therefore you got
a whole bunch of bitches that you can't manage,
like you're some unorganized pimp.
Really I blame a lot of you men for chicks on the side
not knowing their role anymore.
They're walking around with a chip on their shoulder,
thinking they're the main bitch, 'cause your ass lying to 'em,
giving her hopes and dreams, telling her she's gonna be main bitch in August 2021.
Now she's walking around with a calendar with a hope in her heart.
No one on the side's supposed to have hope in her heart.
They don't know their role no more.
That's why some of y'all need to go talk to a OG,
because an OG understood the game.
You know, these OG's never disrespected the queen.
They never brought their dirt home.
You know what I'm saying, OG man, shoot, he could be
married with four kids, have a whole another family across town.
And that side bitch knew that they never leave Brooklyn. She knew.
But these new wave side chicks got cocky.
They're arrogant, you know what I'm saying,
and it's so funny 'cause I blame you men,
like women, you know, young men, you have to keep lying to chicks
and giving them this hope and you know making them promises.
See, women are the best cheaters.
When it comes down to cheating, we're the best cheaters.
Because unlike men who have to keep rotating out their women,
'cause the bitch catch feelings and start doing dumb shit,
like tagging your wife in pictures on Facebook,
women ain't got to deal with that.
We can keep a side dude for decades,
you know what I'm saying?
You know, he's very happy being DOC, Dick On Call.
That's it.
That's all he is. You know what I'm saying? We ain't gotta lie to him.
We can sit him down day 1 and give him the rules of engagement.
Look here, bro, don't call me except on Tuesday between 2:00 and 2:03.
If I answer, I want some.
If I don't, let that shit ride.
Now, if I answer, I might be with him,
so Imma sneeze 3 times.
[IMITATES SNEEZING]
That mean meet me at the Holiday Inn by the airport, room 202,
that's the room face the pool, not the street.
Now, when you get there, don't you come to 202.
Go down to the front desk, get the key for 200.
You're gonna come through 200, come through the interior door to 202.
Now while we're doing it, don't you ever ask me whose is it,
'cause Imma tell you the truth. His. You're just borrowing this shit.
And if you ever see me out with my main dude, don't you ever acknowledge my presence.
But if you wanna let me know
I can get that whenever I need, a simple... will suffice.
[CROWD CHEERING]
Be gangster with that shit. Be gangster with that shit.
Trust me. Trust me, We're so gangster
there's a chick in here right now sitting next to her main dude and her side dude.
And her main dude think her side dude is her cousin, visiting from Jersey.
We're just that gangster with it, you know what I'm saying?
I'm gonna tell you how we know, I know that women are gangster with it.
My aunt and uncle were married for 64 years, man.
They had that Ossie Davis, Ruby Dee,
Michelle and Obama, you know what I'm saying,
Denzel and Pauletta shit, you know,
they had that marriage everybody talked about.
And when my aunt passed away, beautiful funeral, I mean,
400 family members just came from everywhere,
packing in a little country church, and we waving at cousins
we ain't seen in years, you know.
But this one man walked in, in a lavender suit, and some purple Stacy Adams.
I'm assuming he was an OQ or something.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
And he walked up to my aunt's casket
and laid a single rose on her body.
Blew her a kiss and walked out.
Now, when we get to the repast,
I find that one aunt that know everybody's business.
And I gave her a couple of glasses of Riunite.
And I started asking questions.
And I said, "Ooh, Aunt Linda, that was a beautiful funeral.
"Wasn't she so pretty? She looked so peaceful."
I don't know why black folks always say it looked like they were sleeping,
they were sleeping, you know. And she said, "Yes, baby, yes."
I said, "I was just curious.
"There was that one man in the purple suit.
"I didn't know him." And she just started laughing.
[LAUGHS WICKEDLY]
"Baby, that's Bernard." I said, "Bernard?"
I'm like, "I don't have no Uncle Bernard."
I said, "Who's he?" "Your auntie's boyfriend."
I said, "Wait, wait, wait.
"How the devil did she have a boyfriend?
"She was married to Uncle Walter for 64 years.
"How long were they together?" "63."
I think one of the biggest things, too, that I've noticed
is that, you know, people really think the grass is greener.
You know, and they don't appreciate what they have. So quick to jump around
and hop around, which is dangerous nowadays.
Y'all acting like COVID the only shit out here killing people.
That AIDS shit is still real, God damn it!
But I'll tell you, man, I just realized,
you know, I said, I'll tell people all the time you know, I'm grateful.
I've been doing this shit 25 years, man.
I love this shit, you know. I do, you know?
[CROWD CHEERING]
You know, I appreciate my fans and I appreciate everything.
'Cause this is a hard ass game, you know?
But I'm starting to realize that I'm starting to go up levels, you know,
certain shit is happening in my life.
And I'm like, oh shit, I'm making it making it.
You know, I recently hired a new assistant, I got a white girl working for me now.
[CROWD CHEERING]
I got white agents and white assistant.
I know every time them motherfuckers say Miss Brown,
my ancestors are pleased.
We have overcome. Yes, you know.
I got me a publicist now, and I'm thinking about all the ignorant shit
I can do to drive her fucking crazy.
Because there's some celebrities I hear do ignorant shit.
I said, I want to do ignorant shit.
I want to do ignorant shit, like chew a piece of gum
and say, "Bitch, hold this." You know what I'm saying?
I wanna do shit like eat crab claws and hand the bitch the claws.
Say, "Bitch, hold your hands like this. Here, just hold the crab claws."
I want to hand a bitch a pair of dirty drawers
and say, "Bitch, hide these. They've got evidence."
[LAUGHS]
That's one of the biggest issues with my name,
when I came up with the name Cocoa Brown, it just rolled off the tongue.
Another comic and me came up with a stage name for me.
I loved it. Here I am 25 years later.
And now I've got to worry about competing with a fucking porn star.
Like my shit is C-O-C-O-A, her shit is C-O.
I didn't even know it was a porn star out there with that name, man.
So I got a call a few years ago, and they was like, "Hey, is this Cocoa Brown?"
I said, "Yeah." He said, "We got a gig for you, 25 grand."
"I'll take it."
And they was like, "Great Cocoa, and we'll give you 30 grand if you do anal."
I'm like, "Hey, what kind of comedy club is this?"
Fuck! And they were like, "No, we're looking for Coco Brown, the porn star."
I said, "No, I'm Cocoa Brown, the comedian."
They said, "We're sorry." I'm like, "No worries," but damn, you know,
30 grand for anal, huh?
Can I wear a mask?
My daddy a deacon, I don't need any problems.
That's what I don't understand about these dudes now, how the roles have reversed.
The roles have reversed.
You know what I'm saying, like when you used to argue with a man,
you know, men had this way about them.
They would shut an argument down with a look. They'd walk away.
Now these new age punk-ass niggas wanna fucking argue with you back
clapping their hands and shit, rolling their motherfucking head
and stomping off in Nike flip flops.
What the fuck is this shit?
[CROWD CLAPPING]
You know how it just makes all the respect for a man go out of your system
when a motherfucker walk off like this.
The roles have reversed.
You know what I'm saying. it's like back in the day,
remember, you'd meet a dude, and he would tell you
that he didn't want a relationship, don't get caught up, you know.
Now, It's us saying that shit to them.
You got so many boss chicks out here running shit with their own cribs,
their own bank, their own stocks, their own shit.
And you out here messing with a little something on the side,
messing with a little dude.
He ain't got much, but that ding-a-ling is straight.
You'll fly the little motherfucker out.
Yeah, I do. I ain't gonna front. I'll be flying these little motherfuckers out.
There's certain levels, though. Some motherfuckers get Delta.
Some get Spirit. You know what I'm saying?
You earn your spot. You earn your spot.
You know? But ain't nothing worse, you know what I'm saying, the roles are reversed now,
that you sitting up here being a dude.
I flew a little young'un down to The Bahamas, right?
I was like, meet me at the airport.
Just bring something, you know, some shorts and shit. You're good.
We get to the dang hotel, beautiful air, sweet and shit, looking over the fucking ocean,
he in there with an attitude on the bed with his arms folded.
I said, "What is wrong with you?"
"I feel like a piece of meat.
"I've got feelings for you and this is what the fuck you do?
"You treat me like a piece of meat."
Now I feel like the fucking nigga 'cause I'm sitting up there like,
"You knew what the fuck it was.
"Now you're disrespectful, you're ungrateful as shit.
"I just bought you this beautiful-ass shit and you sit up here, giving me shit?
"I told you what it was. Put those goddamn Nike flip flops on,
"and let's go get some goddamn breakfast."
He walking behind me.
Flip flop, flip flop.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
Bring back real men, please!
Seriously, you know what I'm saying, 'cause I like a certain type of dude,
you know what I'm saying. I like a man's man.
I'm a traditional woman, even though I'm here telling these jokes,
and I'm on TV shows and movies and all this shit, I'm still a very traditional woman.
I take all this shit off and I go home
and I cook and I clean, and I take care of my child.
I'm very traditional.
Feel like I know my role and he should know his, you know what I'm saying?
But it ain't like that no more, man.
And it's funny because the one thing I have realized, I've learned
I must share with you all 'cause I hope y'all hear me.
One of the biggest things, ladies, I think we can do to help this shit
is to learn how to pick our battles.
I think a lot of us just argue and nitpick over the stupidest shit.
We don't know how to handle shit.
When it happens, we hold shit in and blow up
when it's the most inconvenient, unnecessary time.
And I think what made me realize that is that one day I was in a store,
and I heard this little young girl going off on her man, flipping, just acting a fool.
And I'm sitting up here like, what the hell is wrong with her?
And she was cussing her man out
because he wanted to get home and watch the game.
I'm like, "You dumb ass heifer."
He said the two key words, "Get home."
You know where the fuck he at. What are you bitching for?
Okay? Like heifer...
Like some of y'all are sitting here right now,
your man on a milk carton.
He ain't missing. You know where the hell he's at,
but he won't come home to your nagging ass.
You gotta pick them battles, honey. And I've never understood women
who don't like men who like sports anyway, 'cause that shit kills me.
I love a man that love sports so much that I believe in manifestation.
And I believe that if you already create something,
and if you stay ready, you ain't gotta get ready.
So during the pandemic, honey, I had a whole room in my basement
and I converted that shit into a man cave.
Because I figured if I had a man cave, the Good Lord will send me a man.
And I got that bitch arranged. You hear me?
200-inch screen, Dolby surround sound, butter leather massage chairs.
I got a whole bar fully stocked from light to dark liquor,
I got me a doggone cabinet full of prerolled blunts and cigars.
Okay, I got a stripper pole in that bitch with a money gun.
I got a phone that only dials four numbers,
Pizza Hut, Papa John's, Domino's and Popeye's.
I don't know what the Good Lord's gonna send me,
so I put every fucking jersey on the wall.
I've got football and basketball just in case he's Black.
Baseball and hockey, just in case he invite a Mexican.
I'm prepared, honey. Stay ready so you ain't got to get ready.
I met one dude during the pandemic, honey.
I had him in my basement so long, his mama came looking for him.
She was like, "When's Tony coming home?" I said, "Three more weeks,
It's the playoffs. He'll be all right. He's eating."
Men love three things. Money, ass and sports.
That's it.
Women, we got the cookie,
and if he's a real man, he making money,
and if he loves you, he's sharing it with you.
And sports is simple. Okay, you don't like sports?
Why? 'Cause he ignores me when the game is on.
Of course he does.
When men are watching games,
all they care about is the calls of the ref.
They don't give a fuck what you got to say.
You can run in that room yelling "Fire!" but you follow that shit with a touchdown,
bitch, you gonna burn.
And most men, when they watch games,
honestly, when they're fixated, they're really living vicariously
through their favorite team and their favorite players.
You think I'm lying? Watch your man watch the game.
At some point, he's gonna say "I could have played ball.
"I was real good in high school. They was hating on me."
Don't remind him he's 50 and he dropped out. Don't do that.
Sure, if you want his attention, honey, then why don't you watch a game or two?
Learn some of them plays and bring that shit in the bedroom
and let him live his fantasy out on you.
If your man love basketball and he in the bed talking shit tonight, don't be giggling.
Hell, no. You talk to his ass like he's on the court. You're Phil Jackson.
When he say, "Baby, let's have a threesome"?
"Uh-uh. Let's play one on one."
"Can I put my thing up your ass?" "Nope. That's a tech."
"Can I kiss you after I go down?" "Ooh, double dribble."
"Well, I'm about to go see another bitch."
"Oh, you traveling?"
If your man love football, don't bitch and moan that he didn't clean the garage or whatever.
You wait for him when the game is over,
butt naked with a football helmet on.
Be on top of the bed in a three-point stance.
As soon as he walks through the door, "Blue 32.
"Blue 32.
"Hut, hut, fuck!"
And while y'all are doing it, you call out shit like he on the field.
When he hits your spot, "First down!"
He tries to put it in your ass. "Interception."
He tries to put it in your face. "Illegal motion."
He try to make you lick his balls.
"Facemask."
You're going too fast and that ding-a-ling pop out? "Passing the first."
He starts choking? "You holding.
"Personal foul. Unnecessary roughness."
He said he wanted to have a threesome?
"Offside. There's too many motherfuckers on the field."
He say he's about to come and you ain't get your shit yet?
"Flag on the play. False start. Offence."
[CROWD CLAPPING AND CHEERING]
Whassup? That's how it works, baby. Shit.
Yeah. Walmart about to be sold out of football helmets tomorrow.
But I will say this, man.
I hope y'all realize that, even though the pandemic was crazy
and everything that we went through was crazy, I hope y'all realize what God did.
God gave us a reset button.
He made us sit our asses down.
Even though we lost too many unnecessary lives
over stupid shit and a lot of shit was crazy,
he gave us a reset, but some of us were on our way
to a early grave.
Just working, working, working with no destination
in sight other than an early grave.
That was it.
He made us sit down, man.
And I hope you took this time to work on yourself.
To maybe open up a business or to write a book or pursue a dream.
Now, some of y'all motherfuckers going to jail,
because you done got the PPP loans.
And you ain't got business the motherfucking first.
And if you live in a duplex where the fuck is your goddamn auto shop?
But enjoy your freedom while you can. Okay?
But I hope you took that time, you know?
And also the one thing that it made me realize is that
we've come so far as a country, but we've gone so far back.
I realized with everything that was going on 2020,
I am raising a Black boy in America.
And that, oh, my God, it hit me.
It hit me that we are at a point in this country now
that it's like, we don't know who to trust.
We don't know who's smiling in our face trying to snake us in the back.
You know, to think that I've got this beautiful little boy that I'm so proud of.
Man, he's 9 and he's amazing, man.
He plays the piano. He reads and writes music.
He's a stellar athlete, he reads on an 8th grade level, math at a 9th grade level.
He speaks French and Spanish, he's amazing. He's fucking amazing.
He codes games and shit.
He's amazing. But to think that no matter
what he turns out to be, which will be great
and I will support him with all I got.
No matter what incredible man he turns out to be,
there's still going to be some jackass in this country
that's going to see my child is just another nigger,
and that fucks with me in my soul, to think that
I go out of my way to make sure he lives in a great, safe neighborhood,
and all the neighbors wave at my kid,
they know my kid White, Black, Asian. They know my kid.
But what happens when he's 16 and he's 6' 2"
and he's walking our dog after dinner
and it's chilly outside, so he puts a hoodie on?
Now my child's a fucking threat?
You forget that's the same kid you gave Popsicles at Capri Suns too?
To think right now he's got friends of every culture, every race.
These kids don't fucking see color. They just see another kid.
We fuck'em up and make 'em see some other shit.
To think that his three best friends are three little white boys,
they don't give a fuck about their color.
All they want to do is play Fortnite,
and Roblox. And dig holes in my goddamn backyard.
I don't know what they're digging for, but I have realized something,
do not let white kids watch Harriet
and not explain them what the fuck it means.
'Cause I'm in the kitchen one day, and I look out
at all the little white boys is out there digging holes in my backyard,
And I'm like "Hey Ethan, Noah, Buster, what the fuck y'all doing?"
He looks up at me just as clear as day.
"We're trying to help the slaves get to the north, Miss Brown."
And I'm looking at my son.
I don't know whether to laugh, be mad or be proud 'cause he ain't digging shit.
He just standing there with his arms folded like the master overseer.
I'm like, "God damn."
But what the hell happens when they're 17?
They're coming home from a basketball game together,
and they get put over by the cops.
And I gotta tell my Black son what the fuck to do to get home alive to me.
I gotta sit him down and say, look here baby,
If y'all get pulled over, you let Ethan, Noah and Buster
do all the fucking talking.
Put your hands into Wakanda formation.
Make sure your fingers are spread apart.
Do not make any sudden movements and remain calm.
Now, if Ethan, Noah or Buster start doing that little white privilege shit,
and they start screaming at that cop,
talking about, "I need your badge number, buddy!
"Do you know who my fucking dad is?"
I need you to make eye contact with him.
Do not move your hands.
Look at cop in the eye and say very calmly, "I've been kidnapped."
[CROWD LAUGHS]
'Cause I need my son to come the fuck home alive to me.
I'll bail your little white kids out.
His ass will be home.
Eat some goddamn peanut butter and jelly first. Yes.
Thank you all so much, and my feet hurt.
And I thank you all so much for joining me.
Famous Enough,Cocoa Brown, I'm out.
[CROWD CLAPPING AND CHEERING]