1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:06,381 --> 00:00:10,301 All right. Are you ready to get this thing going? 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:14,931 --> 00:00:18,143 Cristela, do you know how I met Senator Robert Kennedy? 5 00:00:18,226 --> 00:00:19,269 -No. -Oh, well, 6 00:00:19,352 --> 00:00:22,480 we had registered 140,000 voters 7 00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:24,941 -in California. -No way. 8 00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:26,735 How's everybody doing? 9 00:00:27,944 --> 00:00:31,197 I found out he was gonna be at the Coronado Hotel in San Diego. 10 00:00:31,281 --> 00:00:33,700 And so I went to the Coronado Hotel… 11 00:00:33,783 --> 00:00:35,702 My name is Joaquin Castro. 12 00:00:37,370 --> 00:00:39,456 That was the first time that I ever met Robert Kennedy. 13 00:00:39,539 --> 00:00:40,707 That's how you met? 14 00:00:40,790 --> 00:00:42,917 My day job is in Congress. 15 00:00:43,001 --> 00:00:44,544 And then, there's another story about... 16 00:00:44,627 --> 00:00:48,465 Uh, Dolores, I-- I'm running late. So I'm gonna go. But I'll be right back. 17 00:00:48,548 --> 00:00:49,382 -I just... -Okay, can... 18 00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:51,217 -I want you to hear this other story. -I wanna hear it. 19 00:00:51,301 --> 00:00:54,304 I wanted to do something more respectable with my life. 20 00:00:54,387 --> 00:00:56,848 So here I am. Opening up for Cristela. 21 00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:02,645 I love your stories. I know. Like, "Whoa. History. Wow, wow." 22 00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:03,897 It's like sí se pudo, right? 23 00:01:03,980 --> 00:01:05,356 -Like, sí se puede. -Yeah, right. 24 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:06,649 Like, hold that thought. 25 00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:08,318 I'll be right back. You... 26 00:01:08,401 --> 00:01:10,153 -Yeah, I'm gonna be waiting for you. -Yeah, of course! 27 00:01:10,236 --> 00:01:11,279 All right! 28 00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:16,659 All right! 29 00:01:16,785 --> 00:01:20,914 Give a huge welcome to my badass friend 30 00:01:20,997 --> 00:01:23,416 from the Rio Grande Valley of Texas, 31 00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:27,212 -Cristela Alonzo! 32 00:01:44,354 --> 00:01:46,397 Yes! 33 00:01:47,273 --> 00:01:48,483 Oh! 34 00:01:49,108 --> 00:01:50,568 Oh! 35 00:01:51,903 --> 00:01:53,530 Look at us! 36 00:01:54,906 --> 00:01:55,740 Ah! 37 00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:57,992 We made it! 38 00:02:00,078 --> 00:02:03,123 This time last year, we were all grounded by God. 39 00:02:04,290 --> 00:02:06,209 And look at us. Now we're out here saying, 40 00:02:06,292 --> 00:02:08,461 "Look at us! We're still alive." 41 00:02:11,214 --> 00:02:12,549 It's amazing. 42 00:02:14,759 --> 00:02:17,262 Hey, man, I didn't know if we were gonna make it or not. 43 00:02:20,557 --> 00:02:22,559 We started out with COVID-19, 44 00:02:22,642 --> 00:02:24,519 now we're up to COVID-24. 45 00:02:26,062 --> 00:02:27,230 I swear to God, 46 00:02:27,313 --> 00:02:28,690 COVID has become like Star Wars. 47 00:02:28,773 --> 00:02:31,234 You know, every couple months, there's a new one out. 48 00:02:32,026 --> 00:02:34,237 Like, "Oh, man! Omicron's out? 49 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,948 I haven't finished seeing The Mandalorian yet." 50 00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:39,450 Like, what? 51 00:02:45,957 --> 00:02:47,625 It didn't have to be like this, either. 52 00:02:47,709 --> 00:02:49,586 It didn't have to be like this. 53 00:02:49,669 --> 00:02:51,754 It didn't have to be so hard. 54 00:02:51,838 --> 00:02:53,339 I grew up watching scary movies. 55 00:02:53,423 --> 00:02:55,592 Now, I love zombie movies, right? 56 00:02:55,675 --> 00:02:57,927 And there's always that scene, yeah, where you find out, 57 00:02:58,011 --> 00:02:59,721 "Oh my God, they're zombies." 58 00:03:00,889 --> 00:03:03,600 And it's never just one zombie. It's, like, 30 zombies. 59 00:03:04,350 --> 00:03:07,395 And I would watch that scene in every movie and think, 60 00:03:08,271 --> 00:03:09,772 "That's unrealistic." 61 00:03:11,649 --> 00:03:13,902 "How would they let it get so bad?" 62 00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:17,989 Right? 63 00:03:20,325 --> 00:03:22,577 'Cause if I ever see one zombie, 64 00:03:23,494 --> 00:03:25,246 I'm killing the zombie. 65 00:03:26,998 --> 00:03:28,541 But to get to 30? 66 00:03:29,667 --> 00:03:33,379 How do we do that? Then I started thinking, "Ah, you know why?" 67 00:03:33,463 --> 00:03:35,840 It's because we never showed that scene in the movie 68 00:03:35,924 --> 00:03:37,759 where the assholes are walking around, like, 69 00:03:37,842 --> 00:03:40,136 "It's my right to get bit by a zombie." 70 00:03:42,931 --> 00:03:43,890 Ooh. 71 00:03:48,686 --> 00:03:52,815 "It's my right as an American to get bit by a zombie." 72 00:03:55,526 --> 00:03:58,238 You're not supposed to pick how you die, stupid. 73 00:04:03,785 --> 00:04:05,286 What is that? 74 00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:09,207 All of these past couple of years, it's just been so much. 75 00:04:09,290 --> 00:04:12,460 I had to spend the lockdown in LA, and I hated it. 76 00:04:12,543 --> 00:04:14,295 'Cause I came from a very close family. 77 00:04:14,379 --> 00:04:17,799 Like, this is the first time I had to do something without my family. 78 00:04:17,882 --> 00:04:20,093 You know? And it was hard. 79 00:04:20,176 --> 00:04:23,429 My family, we're from South Texas, you know? 80 00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:24,889 We're from Mexico. 81 00:04:24,973 --> 00:04:27,141 -And… um. 82 00:04:29,060 --> 00:04:32,647 That's South Texas. It's South Texas. It's kinda South Texas. 83 00:04:32,730 --> 00:04:33,856 It's like South Texas. 84 00:04:35,316 --> 00:04:36,901 I grew up in a mixed-status family. 85 00:04:36,985 --> 00:04:40,029 If you don't know what that is, that means half of us were documented, 86 00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:42,865 half of us were undocumented, 87 00:04:42,949 --> 00:04:47,245 and we're not telling you which one's which. 88 00:04:48,830 --> 00:04:52,542 Guess what? We all look alike! 89 00:04:54,502 --> 00:04:56,379 We didn't have a lot of money growing up. 90 00:04:56,462 --> 00:05:00,550 You know? We had to share a bathroom and a birth certificate. It sucked. 91 00:05:02,552 --> 00:05:04,762 My brother Cristela hated it. 92 00:05:05,847 --> 00:05:08,141 It's okay. It's okay. 93 00:05:11,936 --> 00:05:14,564 Spanish is my first language. I learned English later on in life. 94 00:05:14,647 --> 00:05:16,816 I was actually an ESL kid growing up. 95 00:05:16,899 --> 00:05:20,278 And, um... I had to learn English… 96 00:05:21,571 --> 00:05:22,989 ¿Ustedes también? 97 00:05:25,658 --> 00:05:28,953 I had to learn English by watching TV shows like The Price Is Right. 98 00:05:29,037 --> 00:05:31,539 You know? And, white people, you messed with me. 99 00:05:31,622 --> 00:05:33,958 "Plinko" is not a real word. Screw you. 100 00:05:35,793 --> 00:05:37,253 I trusted you. 101 00:05:38,546 --> 00:05:41,632 I used to learn your words, and I'd incorporate it in everyday life. 102 00:05:41,716 --> 00:05:43,676 "I can't go today. I feel plinko." 103 00:05:47,263 --> 00:05:48,806 Turns out it wasn't a real word. 104 00:05:48,890 --> 00:05:50,266 I love that word. 105 00:05:50,349 --> 00:05:52,101 I wanna name my kids Plinko. 106 00:05:52,894 --> 00:05:54,312 'Cause that sounds Mexican. 107 00:05:55,521 --> 00:05:56,981 Plinko, ven pa ca. 108 00:05:58,649 --> 00:06:01,444 I thought I could name my kids Plinko because I grew up in the hood. 109 00:06:01,527 --> 00:06:04,781 And sometimes in the hood, we'll name our kids fucked-up shit. 110 00:06:06,282 --> 00:06:09,327 Sometimes we'll name our kids things we want out of life. You know? 111 00:06:09,410 --> 00:06:12,288 Like, "Yo, that's my daughter, Mercedes. What's up? How you doing?" 112 00:06:15,291 --> 00:06:18,044 "That's my son, Paid Water Bill. How you doing? Come say hi. 113 00:06:18,127 --> 00:06:19,003 Come say hi." 114 00:06:19,087 --> 00:06:21,089 "Where's Cable? Anyone seen Cable?" 115 00:06:25,259 --> 00:06:26,594 So that's how I learned to speak English. 116 00:06:26,677 --> 00:06:29,138 I would sit in front of the TV and I would just watch the shows 117 00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:30,723 and just repeat everything I heard, you know? 118 00:06:30,807 --> 00:06:32,391 Like, the voices, the accents. 119 00:06:32,475 --> 00:06:37,188 So, in my family, I'm the only one that doesn't have a super thick Mexican accent. 120 00:06:37,271 --> 00:06:39,107 You know? My brother, my oldest brother, 121 00:06:39,190 --> 00:06:41,192 he was born and raised in Mexico. 122 00:06:41,275 --> 00:06:44,821 And he's got that stereotypical accent, you know? Like… 123 00:06:45,905 --> 00:06:47,698 Like if a taco could talk. 124 00:06:50,493 --> 00:06:54,372 Like, if Edward James Olmos met him, he would wanna teach him "calculus." 125 00:06:54,455 --> 00:06:56,707 You know? Like... Right? 126 00:06:59,544 --> 00:07:01,587 "You need ganas." 127 00:07:03,131 --> 00:07:05,258 So it was always weird, because we grew up together 128 00:07:05,341 --> 00:07:07,760 but it always sounded like we weren't related, right? 129 00:07:07,844 --> 00:07:09,846 'Cause my brother's like, "Hey, sister." 130 00:07:11,097 --> 00:07:14,183 "Nah, pues, you wanna go get something to eat or what?" 131 00:07:14,976 --> 00:07:16,894 I'm like, "Well, we could do that." 132 00:07:20,356 --> 00:07:23,192 "Or would you like to see what's behind door number three? 133 00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:24,986 Come on down!" 134 00:07:26,028 --> 00:07:26,904 You know? 135 00:07:27,989 --> 00:07:29,949 Eh, when you think about it, by the way, 136 00:07:30,032 --> 00:07:32,618 Price Is Right is not a game show for poor people. 137 00:07:33,202 --> 00:07:36,330 'Cause we don't know the price of any brand-name stuff at all. 138 00:07:36,414 --> 00:07:38,040 We buy generic. 139 00:07:39,500 --> 00:07:41,711 I grew up on the Dollar Store. That's me on The Price Is Right. 140 00:07:41,794 --> 00:07:44,172 "How much is that orange juice?" "Ninety-nine cents." 141 00:07:48,593 --> 00:07:51,596 "How much is that mac and cheese?" "Oh, no, too much. Put it back." 142 00:07:58,936 --> 00:08:01,230 Now, as an adult, though, I speak three languages. 143 00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:03,983 I speak Spanish, English, 144 00:08:04,066 --> 00:08:05,443 and Caucasian. 145 00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:09,864 No, Caucasian is like English, but I have to use fancy words 146 00:08:09,947 --> 00:08:11,073 I don't normally use, 147 00:08:11,157 --> 00:08:13,284 like "organic" and "deductible." 148 00:08:15,703 --> 00:08:16,829 Let me give you an example. 149 00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:18,789 Like, in my everyday life, when my friends mess up, 150 00:08:18,873 --> 00:08:21,334 I'm like, "Bitch, you fucked up." 151 00:08:23,044 --> 00:08:27,298 But in Caucasian, I'm like, "Ma'am, that is unacceptable." 152 00:08:27,381 --> 00:08:28,508 See? 153 00:08:28,591 --> 00:08:29,592 A little right there? 154 00:08:29,675 --> 00:08:30,551 A little… 155 00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:35,806 "I will fuck you up!" 156 00:08:36,766 --> 00:08:38,601 "Let me speak to the manager." 157 00:08:48,986 --> 00:08:52,240 I grew up in a border town right next to Mexico in South Texas. 158 00:08:52,323 --> 00:08:55,618 And I always think it's interesting, one thing we never talk about a lot 159 00:08:55,701 --> 00:08:59,205 is how so many of us grew up in bubbles. You know what I mean? 160 00:08:59,288 --> 00:09:01,499 If you're a small town, even in a big city, 161 00:09:01,582 --> 00:09:04,043 if your neighborhood doesn't have a lot of diversity, 162 00:09:04,126 --> 00:09:05,253 you don't know better. 163 00:09:05,336 --> 00:09:07,547 Right? 'Cause you're a kid. That's not our fault. 164 00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:11,342 I always say, though, when you become an adult and you go out into the world, 165 00:09:11,425 --> 00:09:13,469 and you start meeting people you didn't know about 166 00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,596 or like, you weren't familiar with, the cultures, 167 00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:19,559 it's your job to learn about them and evolve. 168 00:09:19,642 --> 00:09:21,435 That's what we have to do, right? 169 00:09:22,770 --> 00:09:23,980 But it's hard. 170 00:09:24,689 --> 00:09:26,023 It's hard at first. You know? 171 00:09:26,107 --> 00:09:28,359 In my border town, we had no diversity. 172 00:09:28,442 --> 00:09:30,278 Meaning, like, we were all Mexican. 173 00:09:30,361 --> 00:09:32,196 Like, everybody in my neighborhood was Mexican. 174 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,365 We used to call each other "Mexican." Like, "What's up, Mexican?" 175 00:09:34,448 --> 00:09:37,368 "How you doing, Mexican?" "Mexican!" Like, you know? 176 00:09:39,203 --> 00:09:41,414 Then I went to college in St. Louis, Missouri. 177 00:09:47,753 --> 00:09:49,130 Someone warn a bitch. 178 00:09:52,550 --> 00:09:54,427 I wasn't ready for what I was gonna meet. 179 00:09:54,510 --> 00:09:56,762 Like, you know, just different kinds of people. 180 00:09:56,846 --> 00:09:59,348 Like, again, we were all Mexican, right? 181 00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:03,060 Even when I saw people on TV, it didn't seem real, 182 00:10:03,144 --> 00:10:06,564 'cause TV felt so far away from where I grew up, right? 183 00:10:06,647 --> 00:10:08,858 So, I was in St. Louis, first day of college, 184 00:10:08,941 --> 00:10:11,944 this guy comes up to me, ends up being my best friend, right? 185 00:10:12,028 --> 00:10:13,946 He's like, "Hey, what's up? I'm Byron." 186 00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:16,616 And immediately, I'm like, "Ah, Mexican!" 187 00:10:17,366 --> 00:10:19,577 "You're the darkest Mexican I've ever met!" 188 00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:23,914 And he was like, "I'm Black." 189 00:10:30,171 --> 00:10:33,090 I was like, "Oh. Oh." 190 00:10:33,799 --> 00:10:35,926 I wasn't familiar. Same thing with white people. 191 00:10:36,010 --> 00:10:38,804 I didn't realize white people came in such different shades. 192 00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:41,307 There's like white and white. 193 00:10:43,893 --> 00:10:46,812 Like, there's white, and I'm like, "Are you haunting me?" 194 00:10:52,943 --> 00:10:56,238 "Do you go here, or do you have a message from my dead mother?" 195 00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:05,706 But I didn't know I was gonna meet other people that grew up in bubbles, too. 196 00:11:05,790 --> 00:11:07,041 That threw me off. 197 00:11:07,124 --> 00:11:09,960 Right? My freshman year, my roommate, she was from Tennessee. 198 00:11:10,044 --> 00:11:11,837 She hadn't met a Latina before. 199 00:11:11,921 --> 00:11:13,130 Oh. 200 00:11:13,214 --> 00:11:15,257 Mmm. 201 00:11:16,258 --> 00:11:17,885 No one in her family had. 202 00:11:17,968 --> 00:11:20,679 Her mom was with her to drop her off, right? 203 00:11:20,763 --> 00:11:24,767 Her mom, uh, wasn't sure if I spoke English. 204 00:11:26,185 --> 00:11:27,645 We had been talking all day. 205 00:11:30,314 --> 00:11:33,150 So I don't know what she thought, like maybe I was just gonna forget, 206 00:11:33,234 --> 00:11:35,778 run out of English, halfway through the day, you know? 207 00:11:35,861 --> 00:11:38,114 Like, "Hey, how are you?" "Oh, I'm doing pretty good." "Are you sure?" 208 00:11:38,197 --> 00:11:39,990 "No, yeah, no, no. 209 00:11:40,074 --> 00:11:40,950 No. 210 00:11:41,867 --> 00:11:43,077 Trial expired. 211 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:45,913 Upgrade? No. Out of order." 212 00:11:45,996 --> 00:11:47,331 "No." 213 00:11:54,505 --> 00:11:58,634 So my roommate's mom decides she's going to invite me out to dinner with them. 214 00:11:58,717 --> 00:12:01,178 But she's going to act out all the words. 215 00:12:02,138 --> 00:12:03,973 To make sure I understood. 216 00:12:04,723 --> 00:12:06,851 So she was making it up as she went along, right? 217 00:12:06,934 --> 00:12:08,436 So she was like, "Hi. 218 00:12:12,481 --> 00:12:13,607 So… 219 00:12:16,444 --> 00:12:18,904 I was wondering if you… 220 00:12:20,114 --> 00:12:22,783 wanted to go with us 221 00:12:22,867 --> 00:12:25,202 to eat Italian." 222 00:12:25,286 --> 00:12:27,037 Like, why the fuck is this Italian? 223 00:12:29,623 --> 00:12:32,668 "Do you know what Italian is?" 224 00:12:33,669 --> 00:12:37,173 Like, "Dude, I play Super Mario Brothers. Yeah, I know… Yes. 225 00:12:37,256 --> 00:12:39,049 I know what Italians are. 226 00:12:39,133 --> 00:12:40,468 I know the national anthem. 227 00:12:40,843 --> 00:12:43,929 That 'doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo!'" 228 00:12:47,892 --> 00:12:50,186 "The flag is right there. Yeah. Salute. 229 00:12:51,937 --> 00:12:54,148 All Italians are plumbers. Let's go!" 230 00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:02,198 So I said yes 'cause I had never eaten Italian. 231 00:13:05,659 --> 00:13:08,037 My mom was a Mexican cook at a Mexican restaurant. 232 00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:09,788 We only ate Mexican food growing up. 233 00:13:09,872 --> 00:13:12,416 Like, I had no idea, but I wanted to see what this Italian food was. 234 00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:13,709 So I said, "Yes." 235 00:13:13,792 --> 00:13:17,838 And my roommate's mom took us to this dope place called "Olive-a Garden." 236 00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:24,637 If you guys didn't laugh, it's because you don't speak Italian. 237 00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:26,055 And that's okay. 238 00:13:28,557 --> 00:13:30,684 I don't judge you, but get some culture. 239 00:13:35,439 --> 00:13:37,441 So we were at "Olive-a Garden." 240 00:13:38,526 --> 00:13:41,612 And we're eating the never-ending breadsticks and salads, you know? 241 00:13:41,695 --> 00:13:43,447 Like they do in Italy. Right? 242 00:13:48,911 --> 00:13:51,121 You know how the salads come with "peppercinis"? 243 00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:54,333 They kinda look like jalapeños, but like, not at all? 244 00:13:55,084 --> 00:13:58,087 It's kinda like when you see a white guy with dreads and you're like, "Not at all." 245 00:13:58,170 --> 00:13:59,129 Right? 246 00:14:00,005 --> 00:14:01,048 Right? Yeah? 247 00:14:01,131 --> 00:14:02,091 Yeah. 248 00:14:08,389 --> 00:14:11,725 So my roommate's mom sees the first "peppercini" 249 00:14:11,809 --> 00:14:13,185 and, like, loses it. 250 00:14:14,061 --> 00:14:16,480 'Cause she thinks it's a moment to bond with me. 251 00:14:17,898 --> 00:14:21,652 I'm not kidding. Like, this woman wants to give it to me as a gift. 252 00:14:22,653 --> 00:14:25,030 She looks at it and she's like… 253 00:14:25,823 --> 00:14:27,700 Grabs a fork, stabs one, 254 00:14:27,783 --> 00:14:31,537 looks at me, and says… 255 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:35,499 "I know who wants this." 256 00:14:43,507 --> 00:14:45,009 She was so excited. 257 00:14:45,092 --> 00:14:48,262 Like, I didn't know how she wanted me to react. You know? Like… 258 00:14:56,145 --> 00:14:58,397 "Thank you, lady!" 259 00:15:02,818 --> 00:15:05,613 "Olive Garden para siempre!" 260 00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:16,790 I was 18 years old. 261 00:15:17,082 --> 00:15:20,628 It was the first day outside of Texas for me. 262 00:15:21,211 --> 00:15:23,589 No one had ever talked to me like that. 263 00:15:24,131 --> 00:15:26,383 Like, I didn't know what to think, I didn't know how to react. 264 00:15:26,467 --> 00:15:29,386 Like, part of me was so mad, I wanted to be like, 265 00:15:29,470 --> 00:15:32,056 "Hey, you racist bitch!" Right? 266 00:15:33,098 --> 00:15:34,433 But I wanted it. 267 00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:46,195 "Hey, you racist, but accurate, bitch! Bring it here!" 268 00:15:55,037 --> 00:15:56,622 I told my friend that story recently. 269 00:15:56,705 --> 00:15:59,667 He's like, "Why are you mad? That happened, like, two decades ago." 270 00:16:00,459 --> 00:16:03,170 And I was like, "'Cause I just realized it was fucked up now." 271 00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:07,758 Right? 272 00:16:09,927 --> 00:16:12,888 Sometimes you look back at your life and the shit that was cool, 273 00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:15,015 you're like, "That was fucked up." 274 00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:20,479 But we didn't know it was messed up, because back then it was okay. 275 00:16:20,562 --> 00:16:22,064 It was acceptable. 276 00:16:22,147 --> 00:16:23,816 But see, that's the thing. 277 00:16:23,899 --> 00:16:25,275 We have to learn that, throughout time, 278 00:16:25,359 --> 00:16:27,528 there's certain things you can't do anymore. 279 00:16:27,611 --> 00:16:28,988 It's not okay. 280 00:16:29,071 --> 00:16:31,949 Like when people are like, "I can't say that word anymore?" 281 00:16:32,032 --> 00:16:33,701 Guess what? You never should've. 282 00:16:35,786 --> 00:16:37,246 Guess what? 283 00:16:37,329 --> 00:16:38,580 Not supposed to. 284 00:16:40,749 --> 00:16:44,628 It's just that now, we have access to tell you, like, "Hey! Don't." 285 00:16:46,463 --> 00:16:50,676 Honestly, like, for me, when I look back, I wanted everybody to like me. 286 00:16:50,926 --> 00:16:53,721 I would do things I didn't wanna do because I wanted to be cool. 287 00:16:54,346 --> 00:16:57,266 And if they didn't like me, I always thought it was my fault. 288 00:16:57,349 --> 00:16:59,727 "What did I do wrong? How do I fix it?" 289 00:16:59,810 --> 00:17:01,311 Then in my thirties, I started thinking, 290 00:17:01,395 --> 00:17:03,147 "I don't think I like you people." 291 00:17:04,481 --> 00:17:06,191 "You guys might be the problem." 292 00:17:06,984 --> 00:17:10,779 Now, in my forties, I'm like, "Fuck everybody! I got plants to water." 293 00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:12,031 And that's it. 294 00:17:13,073 --> 00:17:15,617 Love it. Love it. 295 00:17:19,163 --> 00:17:20,497 I love it. 296 00:17:20,581 --> 00:17:23,876 I love getting older. The older I get, the less I care. 297 00:17:23,959 --> 00:17:26,754 I just had a birthday. I turned 43. 298 00:17:27,463 --> 00:17:29,214 Amazing. I love it. 299 00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:31,592 You know what I like about it? 300 00:17:32,259 --> 00:17:34,762 At 43, I'm not old, 301 00:17:34,845 --> 00:17:36,180 but I'm not young. 302 00:17:37,514 --> 00:17:39,183 Right in the middle. 303 00:17:40,601 --> 00:17:42,770 I kinda feel like I'm an iPhone 6. 304 00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:45,689 Yeah. 305 00:17:47,566 --> 00:17:49,818 I know I'm not the newest phone out there, 306 00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:52,404 but guess what, I'm affordable and I get the job done. 307 00:17:52,488 --> 00:17:53,363 Like, that's me. 308 00:17:57,576 --> 00:17:59,578 Dating me is like dating an iPhone 6. 309 00:18:00,245 --> 00:18:03,624 Like, yes, the younger women have a longer battery life. 310 00:18:04,958 --> 00:18:07,461 On Saturday nights, they're like, 30 in the morning, 311 00:18:07,544 --> 00:18:09,546 "Fuck it! Let's do it! Wooh!" 312 00:18:10,798 --> 00:18:12,966 "Forty-seven percent!" 313 00:18:17,012 --> 00:18:17,846 No. 314 00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:22,476 Me, I'm an iPhone 6. 315 00:18:22,559 --> 00:18:26,105 30, I'm like, "One percent. Shutting down. 316 00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:31,443 Leave me by the wall." 317 00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:41,995 Seriously. 318 00:18:42,913 --> 00:18:45,582 I just got over COVID, you know? 319 00:18:45,666 --> 00:18:48,043 Sounds like we're breaking up. "I got over COVID." 320 00:18:49,586 --> 00:18:52,172 It was weird. I still can't smell and taste a lot of stuff. 321 00:18:52,256 --> 00:18:53,507 It was wild. You know? 322 00:18:53,590 --> 00:18:54,758 It knocked me out. 323 00:18:54,842 --> 00:18:56,343 Now, here's the thing. 324 00:18:56,426 --> 00:18:58,929 I tested positive for COVID on my birthday. 325 00:18:59,638 --> 00:19:02,224 I know. That's a bad way to celebrate your birthday, right? 326 00:19:02,307 --> 00:19:04,059 Like, "Happy birthday," right? 327 00:19:05,310 --> 00:19:06,687 It was tough. 328 00:19:06,770 --> 00:19:10,274 Now, let me tell you, my birthday's on January 6. 329 00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:12,526 So… 330 00:19:16,530 --> 00:19:17,614 I was sick. 331 00:19:17,698 --> 00:19:19,449 Everybody told me, like, "Take care of yourself. 332 00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:20,367 Rest, rest, rest." Blah, blah. 333 00:19:20,450 --> 00:19:21,660 And I'm like, "Yes." 334 00:19:21,743 --> 00:19:25,122 So, finally, I was like, "Okay. I've got COVID. 335 00:19:25,205 --> 00:19:26,498 I'm gonna take it easy." 336 00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:29,209 I get a phone call. From my apartment manager. 337 00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:30,627 And he's like, "Hey, Cristela." 338 00:19:30,711 --> 00:19:33,505 "LAPD's here, and they wanna talk to you." 339 00:19:33,589 --> 00:19:35,382 And I was like, "Oh, shit. 340 00:19:36,842 --> 00:19:39,553 Is that what they do to people with COVID? Like… 341 00:19:40,345 --> 00:19:42,222 Oh, my God." 342 00:19:44,433 --> 00:19:47,769 Like, it would be a brown woman, right? Like… 343 00:19:50,564 --> 00:19:51,815 So they were like, "No, you know, 344 00:19:51,899 --> 00:19:54,359 there's a guy that's been stealing packages around the neighborhood, 345 00:19:54,443 --> 00:19:56,862 and we found a package with your name on it. 346 00:19:56,945 --> 00:19:58,488 And they didn't open it. 347 00:19:58,572 --> 00:20:00,490 So we need you to open the box 348 00:20:00,574 --> 00:20:03,535 so that you can tell the cops how much everything is. 349 00:20:03,619 --> 00:20:06,205 Because after a certain amount, it becomes a felony. 350 00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:09,041 So we need to know if this guy's gonna be, like, charged with a felony. 351 00:20:09,124 --> 00:20:10,876 Can you come down?" And I'm like, "Yeah!" 352 00:20:10,959 --> 00:20:14,004 I hang up, and I'm like, "Nah, bitch, you got COVID." Right? 353 00:20:15,005 --> 00:20:17,758 So I call up my apartment manager and I tell him, 354 00:20:17,841 --> 00:20:20,177 and he's like, "Okay, well, how about this? 355 00:20:20,260 --> 00:20:22,471 What if the LAPD comes up to you? 356 00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:26,183 They'll be wearing masks. They'll stand at the end of the hallway. 357 00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:29,019 They'll drop off the box. You can open it 358 00:20:29,102 --> 00:20:30,687 and just yell how much… 359 00:20:31,813 --> 00:20:34,900 everything is to the LAPD." Right? 360 00:20:34,983 --> 00:20:37,986 I'm like, "Yeah, that sounds good. Let's do this." Right? 361 00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:41,657 So, LAPD comes to my place. They drop the-- they drop the box. 362 00:20:41,740 --> 00:20:44,201 They're at the end of the hallway. They're wearing masks and stuff. 363 00:20:44,284 --> 00:20:46,411 My apartment manager's there. And I realize 364 00:20:46,495 --> 00:20:48,914 I can't open the box with my hands, right? 365 00:20:48,997 --> 00:20:51,708 Now, you know how when you need scissors, you can't find scissors? 366 00:20:51,792 --> 00:20:54,378 You're like... when you don't need them, "Oh, scissors everywhere," right? 367 00:20:54,461 --> 00:20:55,712 You know what I mean? 368 00:20:57,089 --> 00:20:58,966 So, I needed to open the box. 369 00:20:59,049 --> 00:21:02,135 I couldn't find anything, so I went to the kitchen and I got a knife. 370 00:21:02,928 --> 00:21:03,845 Yes. 371 00:21:05,889 --> 00:21:07,933 So now, I'm like, "I brought a knife!" 372 00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:13,563 My next-door neighbor opens, and she's like, "Oh, shit." 373 00:21:13,647 --> 00:21:16,733 I'm like, "You go inside." Like, you know what I mean? Like… 374 00:21:18,860 --> 00:21:21,655 So I open the box, and I see 375 00:21:21,738 --> 00:21:24,866 it's a black box, and it has, like, a Netflix ribbon on it. 376 00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:28,161 Right? And the cop, immediately, he's like, 377 00:21:28,245 --> 00:21:29,663 "Is that Netflix?" 378 00:21:31,873 --> 00:21:34,293 "I got Netflix. They don't give me shit." 379 00:21:35,752 --> 00:21:38,255 "Why Netflix giving you stuff?" 380 00:21:44,344 --> 00:21:47,222 And I was like, "Oh, I'm a comic. I'm doing a special for them. 381 00:21:47,306 --> 00:21:49,558 I heard they were gonna give me a birthday gift. 382 00:21:50,225 --> 00:21:51,977 So I think this is the gift." 383 00:21:53,478 --> 00:21:54,980 And he's like, "What is it?" 384 00:21:56,940 --> 00:21:58,817 I was like, "I don't know. Let me check!" 385 00:21:59,901 --> 00:22:01,611 So I open the box, 386 00:22:02,404 --> 00:22:03,655 and it's a blanket. 387 00:22:03,739 --> 00:22:05,741 Like a really nice blanket, right? 388 00:22:05,824 --> 00:22:07,868 And I'm like, "It's a blanket!" 389 00:22:09,119 --> 00:22:11,204 And the cop's like, "A blanket? 390 00:22:12,914 --> 00:22:17,419 Netflix is a billion-dollar company. They gave you a blanket? 391 00:22:17,502 --> 00:22:18,712 Damn!" 392 00:22:18,795 --> 00:22:19,713 Right? 393 00:22:23,175 --> 00:22:24,718 And I instantly tell him, like, 394 00:22:24,801 --> 00:22:27,888 "Well, we're not dating. I'm not fucking Netflix!" 395 00:22:30,557 --> 00:22:34,311 He's like, "How much is that blanket?" I'm like, "I don't know. It's a gift!" 396 00:22:34,936 --> 00:22:37,355 He's like, "Look for the brand!" I'm like, "Okay." 397 00:22:37,439 --> 00:22:39,941 And I look for the brand. And I give him the brand. 398 00:22:40,025 --> 00:22:42,569 And he's like, "Hold up. I'm gonna google it." 399 00:22:43,904 --> 00:22:45,030 And he googles it. 400 00:22:45,697 --> 00:22:48,450 And he's like, "The blanket's $179!" 401 00:22:49,409 --> 00:22:52,746 And I was like, "I didn't need to know that. It's a birthday gift." 402 00:22:56,625 --> 00:22:58,919 And he was like, "Is there anything else? 403 00:22:59,002 --> 00:23:00,962 There better be something else." 404 00:23:01,630 --> 00:23:04,132 And I'm like, "I don't know. Let me look!" 405 00:23:04,216 --> 00:23:07,052 So I go inside the box and there's a candle. 406 00:23:07,135 --> 00:23:09,221 And I'm like, "Oh, it's a candle!" 407 00:23:09,304 --> 00:23:11,306 And he's like, "Well, how much are candles?" 408 00:23:11,973 --> 00:23:15,268 I'm like, "Uh, they vary, from, like, $5 to, like, $95. 409 00:23:15,352 --> 00:23:17,354 It just depends. They're really nice." 410 00:23:18,688 --> 00:23:21,775 He's like, "Well, what's the brand?" I'm like, "Hold on, let me look!" 411 00:23:23,235 --> 00:23:25,529 So I give him the brand, and he googles it. 412 00:23:25,612 --> 00:23:28,240 He's like, "It's $90. What? 413 00:23:29,491 --> 00:23:30,826 Ninety dollars? 414 00:23:30,909 --> 00:23:32,536 That's more than half a blanket!" 415 00:23:37,207 --> 00:23:40,919 And he's, like, telling his partner, "All right. So it's $179 and it's $90. 416 00:23:41,002 --> 00:23:43,046 Let's add it up." Blah, blah, blah. And he's like… 417 00:23:43,130 --> 00:23:47,592 "Oooh... We got a felony. 418 00:23:48,301 --> 00:23:49,761 We got a felony." 419 00:23:49,845 --> 00:23:50,846 He's all excited. 420 00:23:50,929 --> 00:23:53,306 Like I'm in the middle of a really fucked-up game show, right? 421 00:23:53,390 --> 00:23:55,058 Like, "Is It a Felony?" 422 00:23:55,142 --> 00:23:56,059 "Yes, it is." 423 00:23:57,060 --> 00:23:57,978 So… 424 00:23:58,979 --> 00:24:00,272 I'm like, "What now?" 425 00:24:00,355 --> 00:24:02,399 He's like, "Okay, now I need your info." 426 00:24:02,482 --> 00:24:04,860 "What's your name?" I'm like, "Cristela Alonzo." 427 00:24:05,569 --> 00:24:07,487 He's like, "What's your birthday?" 428 00:24:09,739 --> 00:24:11,616 I was like, "January 6!" 429 00:24:12,409 --> 00:24:13,410 And he's like… 430 00:24:14,327 --> 00:24:15,871 "That's today! 431 00:24:18,582 --> 00:24:21,126 Wait, you got COVID on your birthday?" 432 00:24:22,210 --> 00:24:23,295 "Yeah." 433 00:24:24,546 --> 00:24:26,047 Then he's like, "Hold up. 434 00:24:26,131 --> 00:24:27,591 January 6? 435 00:24:31,303 --> 00:24:32,721 Like last year? 436 00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:35,557 When they took over the Capitol?" 437 00:24:37,601 --> 00:24:39,394 I was like, "Yeah, that's my birthday." 438 00:24:40,896 --> 00:24:42,147 He's like, "Girl! 439 00:24:42,230 --> 00:24:43,815 Your birthdays suck! 440 00:24:47,861 --> 00:24:49,070 Take care!" 441 00:24:55,285 --> 00:24:57,037 I love getting older, for the most part. 442 00:24:57,120 --> 00:24:58,914 You know what throws me off, though? 443 00:24:58,997 --> 00:25:00,832 Your body breaks down now. 444 00:25:01,625 --> 00:25:04,961 Your body isn't what it used to, man. Ooh. 445 00:25:11,468 --> 00:25:13,261 I hurt my wrist. 446 00:25:15,096 --> 00:25:16,973 One day I woke up, 447 00:25:17,057 --> 00:25:18,225 and it hurt. 448 00:25:26,191 --> 00:25:27,734 Didn't do anything to it. 449 00:25:29,110 --> 00:25:31,238 And I let it go for a couple days 'cause I thought, 450 00:25:31,321 --> 00:25:33,782 "Well, I didn't hit myself or anything. 451 00:25:33,865 --> 00:25:35,659 So it's just gonna go away." 452 00:25:38,495 --> 00:25:39,579 A year later… 453 00:25:45,210 --> 00:25:47,212 now I have to get surgery on it. 454 00:25:47,921 --> 00:25:48,797 Yes. 455 00:25:49,547 --> 00:25:51,675 I have an orthopedic surgeon. 456 00:25:53,802 --> 00:25:56,721 I have a go-to orthopedic surgeon. 457 00:25:59,099 --> 00:26:01,685 I've seen him twice in a year and a half. 458 00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:04,980 I went for a shoulder that locked up. 459 00:26:06,147 --> 00:26:08,650 Then he fixed it, and now this is broken. 460 00:26:10,151 --> 00:26:13,238 And when I went to see him, he was like, "Well, Cris, you're in your forties." 461 00:26:13,321 --> 00:26:14,698 "Oh, okay. Let's give up." 462 00:26:22,080 --> 00:26:24,124 He's just like, "That starts happening in your forties." 463 00:26:24,207 --> 00:26:25,917 "Oh, okay. I've had a good run." 464 00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:34,592 Like, that-- it's just… That's what it is now. 465 00:26:34,676 --> 00:26:37,262 And then I started thinking, "I don't give a shit." 466 00:26:38,013 --> 00:26:40,932 I've been smiling so much lately, I'm not even happy. 467 00:26:44,352 --> 00:26:45,478 I'm miserable. 468 00:26:46,813 --> 00:26:50,191 But I just got my teeth fixed, and that shit was expensive. 469 00:26:55,947 --> 00:26:58,325 This is how I cry now. 470 00:27:01,244 --> 00:27:04,122 "I'm so sorry for your loss." 471 00:27:04,831 --> 00:27:07,459 "You can do better than him." 472 00:27:08,251 --> 00:27:10,253 I sort of got-- My teeth were so expensive, when I die, 473 00:27:10,337 --> 00:27:11,671 I want an open-mouth casket. 474 00:27:11,755 --> 00:27:12,630 Like… 475 00:27:17,052 --> 00:27:18,970 I didn't know teeth were so expensive. 476 00:27:19,763 --> 00:27:21,139 I got a quote from the dentist. I'm like, 477 00:27:21,222 --> 00:27:23,391 "Dude, I'm not buying everybody teeth, like..." 478 00:27:24,976 --> 00:27:27,395 Sad when you have to put your tooth on layaway. 479 00:27:28,355 --> 00:27:29,981 Like, "Dang, can I visit it?" 480 00:27:32,984 --> 00:27:35,779 But I got new teeth because at 40 I got tooth money. 481 00:27:36,946 --> 00:27:37,822 See? 482 00:27:37,906 --> 00:27:39,991 Like, we don't talk enough about this. 483 00:27:40,075 --> 00:27:41,951 When you're a kid who had nothing, 484 00:27:42,577 --> 00:27:44,329 and you become an adult, 485 00:27:44,788 --> 00:27:47,040 and you start getting money you never had as a kid, 486 00:27:47,123 --> 00:27:48,583 that's a game-changer. 487 00:27:49,250 --> 00:27:52,796 And you don't have to be rich, 'cause you're rich to yourself. 488 00:27:52,879 --> 00:27:55,382 You know? Like, I grew up in poverty. 489 00:27:55,882 --> 00:27:58,468 And now, as an adult, I have money I never thought I had. 490 00:27:58,551 --> 00:28:01,388 You know? And now, I go crazy. 491 00:28:02,055 --> 00:28:03,848 I-- Hell-- Fuck, yeah. 492 00:28:05,850 --> 00:28:07,685 Guess who buys bottled water? 493 00:28:13,525 --> 00:28:15,985 I go to Target, I buy regular-price stuff. 494 00:28:17,278 --> 00:28:19,697 You peasants, go get your red-tag clearance. 495 00:28:24,744 --> 00:28:26,913 At 40, I got new teeth, I got health insurance. 496 00:28:26,996 --> 00:28:28,790 Get the hell outta here. What? 497 00:28:29,624 --> 00:28:30,959 I's making it. 498 00:28:31,918 --> 00:28:34,921 You know that saying, "money can't buy you happiness"? That's bullshit. 499 00:28:36,172 --> 00:28:37,715 That's poor people saying it. 500 00:28:39,634 --> 00:28:42,679 Let me tell you, money buy me happiness. 501 00:28:43,555 --> 00:28:45,724 When I got money, I went to therapy. 502 00:28:50,019 --> 00:28:54,816 I found out I had anxiety and depression. 503 00:29:01,614 --> 00:29:04,367 All my life, I just thought I was poor. 504 00:29:11,291 --> 00:29:14,794 I'm like, "Of course I'm sad. I'm fucking hungry." "No!" 505 00:29:15,837 --> 00:29:17,714 "You're depressed." 506 00:29:20,467 --> 00:29:21,760 The doctor gave me medicine, 507 00:29:21,843 --> 00:29:24,053 and now I'm happy all the time. Ahh! 508 00:29:26,431 --> 00:29:29,893 I love telling people I'm depressed. You know why? 'Cause that's a rich word. 509 00:29:31,895 --> 00:29:34,731 You have to spend a lot of money to find out you're depressed. 510 00:29:35,607 --> 00:29:38,610 Some people, like, struggle with depression. I thrive in it. 511 00:29:40,069 --> 00:29:43,323 I tell everybody, "Ah-ha, I'm depressed. Mm." 512 00:29:45,617 --> 00:29:47,744 My family thinks I show off. "I'm depressed." 513 00:29:47,827 --> 00:29:49,913 "Ay, mira. Show-off. Okay." 514 00:29:49,996 --> 00:29:51,831 "Oh, I can afford therapy." 515 00:29:53,416 --> 00:29:54,918 But once I started feeling better, 516 00:29:55,001 --> 00:29:57,212 I wanted to continue that feeling of feeling better. 517 00:29:57,295 --> 00:29:59,088 You know what I mean? I wanted to be happy. 518 00:29:59,172 --> 00:30:01,049 I'm like, "How do I continue that?" 519 00:30:01,132 --> 00:30:05,011 Because then I realized, now I had access to things I didn't have growing up. 520 00:30:05,094 --> 00:30:07,096 And it's hard to figure out that happiness. 521 00:30:07,180 --> 00:30:10,225 For me, one thing I did, I made a list. 522 00:30:10,308 --> 00:30:13,144 Of all the toys I wanted when I was a kid. 523 00:30:14,062 --> 00:30:16,105 And I bought all of the toys. 524 00:30:17,774 --> 00:30:21,236 Ah! And they're not expensive toys. 525 00:30:21,319 --> 00:30:23,780 But they were expensive back then. 526 00:30:24,239 --> 00:30:26,616 And I had that moment where I played with all of them. 527 00:30:27,158 --> 00:30:28,326 And it felt good. 528 00:30:29,077 --> 00:30:31,412 You don't think I got the OG Nintendo with the gun? 529 00:30:31,496 --> 00:30:32,622 Damn right I do. 530 00:30:35,792 --> 00:30:38,711 I'm decades late, but I duck hunt. Yes, I do. 531 00:30:41,881 --> 00:30:45,176 You don't think I got a Cabbage Patch doll? Damn right I do. 532 00:30:45,844 --> 00:30:48,638 I'm not telling that bitch she's adopted. She's mine. 533 00:30:52,684 --> 00:30:54,185 That's the gift that keeps on giving. 534 00:30:54,269 --> 00:30:56,062 'Cause like, the real ones come with birth certificates. 535 00:30:56,145 --> 00:30:57,605 I just give 'em to my family. 536 00:31:02,485 --> 00:31:05,113 I'm doing that now 'cause it makes me happy. 537 00:31:05,655 --> 00:31:09,325 You know? 'Cause I am a first-generation Mexican American. 538 00:31:09,409 --> 00:31:10,660 And let me say… 539 00:31:10,743 --> 00:31:11,953 Oh, yeah. 540 00:31:12,036 --> 00:31:12,996 Yes! 541 00:31:19,127 --> 00:31:21,671 When you're first-generation, 542 00:31:21,754 --> 00:31:23,423 life is a little different. 543 00:31:24,465 --> 00:31:28,219 You don't get those Christmas gifts like everybody else does under the tree. 544 00:31:28,303 --> 00:31:29,846 You know what you get under the tree? 545 00:31:29,929 --> 00:31:31,639 More responsibility. 546 00:31:33,182 --> 00:31:36,102 Every year, my mom's like, "Ay, I hope it fits." 547 00:31:38,438 --> 00:31:39,564 By the time I was eight, 548 00:31:39,647 --> 00:31:42,901 I was helping my family pay for bills and stuff. You know? 549 00:31:42,984 --> 00:31:44,569 Translating everything for them. 550 00:31:44,652 --> 00:31:46,905 Translating medication, hoping I don't kill them. 551 00:31:46,988 --> 00:31:47,947 Right? 552 00:31:48,031 --> 00:31:50,116 Like, "No, drink dos, don't die." 553 00:31:51,951 --> 00:31:55,413 I'd be at school, freaking out, "Did I say one or dos? I don't know." 554 00:31:55,955 --> 00:31:59,000 I'm like, drinking, slamming milks like it's fucking beer. 555 00:31:59,709 --> 00:32:02,170 All the other girls are like, "Hey, you wanna play house?" 556 00:32:02,253 --> 00:32:05,465 I'm like, "Bitch, I live house. Get the fuck outta here." 557 00:32:06,799 --> 00:32:07,926 That's me. 558 00:32:10,637 --> 00:32:12,680 But now I have a chance to take care of myself. 559 00:32:12,764 --> 00:32:14,974 You guys, it's amazing when you can do that. 560 00:32:15,058 --> 00:32:17,393 But sometimes you have to learn how to take care of yourself 561 00:32:17,477 --> 00:32:18,895 'cause you were never taught how. 562 00:32:18,978 --> 00:32:19,812 Thank you! 563 00:32:19,896 --> 00:32:20,980 Yes! 564 00:32:24,192 --> 00:32:26,402 Dude... I wear glasses now. 565 00:32:27,737 --> 00:32:31,324 I don't know, like… if you… Whoever wears glasses, 566 00:32:31,407 --> 00:32:33,785 do you remember the first time you put glasses on? 567 00:32:33,868 --> 00:32:36,371 And you're like, "Fuuu... 568 00:32:39,749 --> 00:32:42,543 This has always been here?" 569 00:32:44,504 --> 00:32:47,590 Like, you look in the mirror, "I'm Latina?" 570 00:32:54,138 --> 00:32:57,558 Dude, when I got my first pair of glasses, I felt so rich. I went to Beverly Hills. 571 00:32:57,642 --> 00:33:00,019 I started finding rich people to talk to. 572 00:33:00,728 --> 00:33:03,439 Just to be like, "Yo, homie, we both ballin', right?" Like… 573 00:33:03,815 --> 00:33:05,608 You know how rich people like to tell you they're rich. 574 00:33:05,692 --> 00:33:07,068 They're like, "We just got back from Paris." 575 00:33:07,151 --> 00:33:10,113 I'm like, "I just got back from LensCrafters. Fuck yeah, right? 576 00:33:10,196 --> 00:33:11,155 Yes!" 577 00:33:12,073 --> 00:33:14,742 "We saw the Eiffel Tower." "I saw that stop sign there!" 578 00:33:14,826 --> 00:33:18,162 "Mira. Glasses, no glasses. Glasses, no glasses." 579 00:33:18,246 --> 00:33:19,747 I love it. You know? 580 00:33:24,377 --> 00:33:26,713 I love being able to take care of myself, 581 00:33:26,796 --> 00:33:29,674 but I hate having to learn how to take care of myself. 582 00:33:29,757 --> 00:33:31,009 It's hard. 583 00:33:31,092 --> 00:33:33,803 And that's what we need to talk about more often. Like, 584 00:33:33,886 --> 00:33:37,765 for me, when I got health insurance, I didn't know what to do with it. 585 00:33:37,849 --> 00:33:40,184 Like, I-- I'd never used it. You know what I mean? 586 00:33:40,268 --> 00:33:43,312 I was asking a friend of mine, like, "How do you use insurance?" 587 00:33:43,396 --> 00:33:46,524 And he's like, "Go to the doctor." I'm like, "I don't go to doctors." 588 00:33:47,066 --> 00:33:48,317 "I use Vicks." 589 00:33:55,366 --> 00:33:57,785 I'm not kidding. He's like, "What's Vicks?" 590 00:34:00,913 --> 00:34:03,416 No one had ever asked me that. 591 00:34:04,292 --> 00:34:07,086 I felt like it was a hate crime. Like, "What are you…" 592 00:34:10,965 --> 00:34:13,426 I didn't know how to respond. I'm like, "What do you mean?" 593 00:34:13,509 --> 00:34:14,927 He's like, "What's Vicks?" 594 00:34:16,345 --> 00:34:18,806 And I was like, "Oh." I realized… 595 00:34:19,348 --> 00:34:21,851 "He's white. He has insurance." 596 00:34:21,934 --> 00:34:22,769 Right? 597 00:34:23,603 --> 00:34:26,481 So I was like, "I don't know how to explain it to you." 598 00:34:27,190 --> 00:34:29,442 And he's like, "Well, what do you use Vicks for?" 599 00:34:29,525 --> 00:34:32,820 I'm like, "Your hopes and dreams, dude. Like, everything." Like… 600 00:34:33,988 --> 00:34:36,866 "You can fix a flat tire with it. Everything. It's… 601 00:34:39,368 --> 00:34:43,122 It's like hope in a jar. Like, it's Obama in a can. Like, what…" 602 00:34:47,251 --> 00:34:50,129 Then he's like, "I know you use it for everything. 603 00:34:50,838 --> 00:34:52,381 But if you read the jar, 604 00:34:53,341 --> 00:34:54,801 what does the jar say it's for?" 605 00:34:54,884 --> 00:34:56,677 I'm like, "Who the fuck reads the jar? 606 00:34:57,220 --> 00:34:58,888 I've never read the jar." 607 00:34:59,806 --> 00:35:01,307 And, no kidding, he picks up the jar. 608 00:35:01,390 --> 00:35:03,101 He's like, "Oh, did you know it's expired?" 609 00:35:03,184 --> 00:35:04,685 I'm like, "It expires? 610 00:35:07,855 --> 00:35:08,773 What?" 611 00:35:10,274 --> 00:35:14,070 And that's when I realized, I know nothing about Vicks. 612 00:35:14,153 --> 00:35:15,822 I don't know what it is. 613 00:35:15,905 --> 00:35:18,074 I've never read to see what it says on the jar. 614 00:35:18,157 --> 00:35:20,034 I don't know what Vicks is. 615 00:35:20,118 --> 00:35:22,245 To the point that if someone held a gun to my head, 616 00:35:22,328 --> 00:35:24,288 and they're like, "Bitch, what is Vicks?" 617 00:35:25,164 --> 00:35:28,084 I'd be like, "Fucking shoot me, dude. I don't know." 618 00:35:28,793 --> 00:35:30,044 And then I would die. 619 00:35:30,962 --> 00:35:33,714 But that's okay, 'cause I'd put Vicks on the bullet wound. 620 00:35:34,549 --> 00:35:36,300 And then I would come back to life. 621 00:35:38,719 --> 00:35:40,763 That's what Vicks is. 622 00:35:42,140 --> 00:35:43,641 That's the power! 623 00:35:47,395 --> 00:35:50,273 Th-- That's how I grew up. I didn't grow up with doctors or anything. 624 00:35:50,356 --> 00:35:52,817 So when I got insurance, I didn't know what to do with it, right? 625 00:35:52,900 --> 00:35:54,819 So I asked my friend, like, "What do I do with it?" 626 00:35:54,902 --> 00:35:56,195 He's like, "Go get a checkup." 627 00:35:56,863 --> 00:35:58,823 And I was like, "What's a checkup?" 628 00:35:59,574 --> 00:36:02,535 You know what a checkup is? I'm gonna blow your minds. 629 00:36:03,703 --> 00:36:04,745 A checkup. 630 00:36:05,705 --> 00:36:07,039 That's when you wake up… 631 00:36:08,958 --> 00:36:10,251 you're not sick… 632 00:36:12,336 --> 00:36:15,381 and you say, "Fuck it, let's go to the doctor anyway. Come on." 633 00:36:19,677 --> 00:36:21,137 So I google. 634 00:36:21,220 --> 00:36:23,598 And the first doctor that would see me 635 00:36:23,681 --> 00:36:25,433 was the gynecologist. 636 00:36:32,231 --> 00:36:33,858 I had never been to one. 637 00:36:35,026 --> 00:36:37,028 I was, like, 40. I had never been to one. 638 00:36:37,111 --> 00:36:39,822 I didn't know what they did. I didn't know what they did! 639 00:36:39,906 --> 00:36:42,533 I was just, like, "Fuck it. A doctor's a doctor." 640 00:36:49,248 --> 00:36:52,335 I didn't know they had doctors for down there. 641 00:36:54,086 --> 00:36:55,796 How do you know it's sick? 642 00:37:02,803 --> 00:37:04,472 I've never heard it cough. 643 00:37:11,854 --> 00:37:14,815 And even if I did, I'd probably put Vicks on it. 644 00:37:23,574 --> 00:37:25,117 So I went to the checkup. 645 00:37:25,493 --> 00:37:26,744 Not knowing what to expect. 646 00:37:26,827 --> 00:37:28,788 I walk into the office. She has these silver things. 647 00:37:28,871 --> 00:37:30,289 I don't know what they're for, right? 648 00:37:30,957 --> 00:37:32,875 I take my keys out. I hang them. 649 00:37:36,504 --> 00:37:38,422 I think it's a coat rack, right? 650 00:37:39,048 --> 00:37:40,758 By the way, I'm naked. 651 00:37:41,926 --> 00:37:45,513 I'm wearing the little paper robe, right? I don't think anything of it. 652 00:37:45,596 --> 00:37:47,890 The first thing I think is, my doctor's a woman. 653 00:37:47,974 --> 00:37:49,934 I'm like, "Man, this bitch got my back. 654 00:37:50,559 --> 00:37:52,770 She got me naked in a little paper robe 655 00:37:52,853 --> 00:37:55,356 so that when I step on that scale, 656 00:37:56,983 --> 00:37:58,901 I am light as fuck." 657 00:38:01,279 --> 00:38:04,490 Because when I check my weight at home, I am naked. 658 00:38:05,116 --> 00:38:06,575 Like, when I get on that scale, 659 00:38:06,659 --> 00:38:08,744 I am naked. We all know clothes are heavy. 660 00:38:08,828 --> 00:38:10,830 This outfit is 50 pounds. 661 00:38:13,624 --> 00:38:14,834 I am naked at home. 662 00:38:14,917 --> 00:38:17,169 Like, if I'm chewing gum, I'm like… um... 663 00:38:21,340 --> 00:38:24,635 Like, I tiptoe. Like, I do "The Karate Kid". 664 00:38:24,719 --> 00:38:26,304 Like, you know what I mean? 665 00:38:29,974 --> 00:38:32,059 She comes in with a clipboard, right? 666 00:38:32,143 --> 00:38:34,979 And she's like... "All right, let's do it." 667 00:38:37,189 --> 00:38:39,358 And I was like, "All right, let's go." 668 00:38:41,193 --> 00:38:42,737 And we just look at each other. 669 00:38:43,863 --> 00:38:45,323 And she says, "All right." 670 00:38:45,406 --> 00:38:48,659 "Got more patients. Lie down. Put your legs up. Let's see that vagina." 671 00:38:48,743 --> 00:38:49,827 "What the fuck?" 672 00:38:55,833 --> 00:38:58,252 So I just finished doing paperwork, and I had written… 673 00:38:58,336 --> 00:39:00,713 Like, they asked "occupation," so I wrote "comedian." 674 00:39:01,505 --> 00:39:03,424 So I thought she was fucking with me. 675 00:39:04,633 --> 00:39:06,635 Right? So she's like, "Let's see that vagina." 676 00:39:06,719 --> 00:39:09,013 And I go with it, and I'm like, "Okay. Ahh!" 677 00:39:11,682 --> 00:39:13,392 "How's it look? Ahh!" 678 00:39:18,439 --> 00:39:20,608 And she's so mad at me now. 679 00:39:21,650 --> 00:39:24,904 And she's like, "Lie down. Put your legs up. I need to check that vagina." 680 00:39:24,987 --> 00:39:28,282 I'm like, "Shit. Not with that attitude you're not. Get the...? No, no, no." 681 00:39:32,161 --> 00:39:33,621 And I just look at her. 682 00:39:34,121 --> 00:39:35,581 And she says nothing. 683 00:39:35,664 --> 00:39:37,166 And then I realize… 684 00:39:38,459 --> 00:39:40,294 "Fuck, I don't think she's lying." 685 00:39:41,462 --> 00:39:42,505 And I was like… 686 00:39:45,633 --> 00:39:47,343 "You wanna check my vagina?" 687 00:39:48,719 --> 00:39:51,013 She's like, "Yes. I'm the vagina doctor." 688 00:39:51,097 --> 00:39:52,390 I'm like, "What?" 689 00:39:54,558 --> 00:39:56,310 And I get so shy, 690 00:39:57,144 --> 00:39:58,479 so awkward, 691 00:39:58,562 --> 00:40:01,649 that I look at her. I'm like, "Ma'am, I can't do that. 692 00:40:03,192 --> 00:40:05,778 I'm not wearing any underwear." 693 00:40:11,075 --> 00:40:13,160 It's not showroom-ready. 694 00:40:20,835 --> 00:40:22,711 It's like a fixer-upper. Like… 695 00:40:23,462 --> 00:40:25,631 Move that bus! Like… 696 00:40:26,424 --> 00:40:28,092 Like, "no," you know? 697 00:40:28,175 --> 00:40:29,093 Like… 698 00:40:34,265 --> 00:40:36,725 And she's like, "Lie down now." 699 00:40:37,852 --> 00:40:40,604 And I realize I have to do it. Like, she's not letting me go. 700 00:40:41,480 --> 00:40:45,067 And I do. And I'm like… Literally, I go down so slow. 701 00:40:46,402 --> 00:40:48,195 Like a convertible, right? Like… 702 00:40:51,157 --> 00:40:53,534 And I'm going so slow 'cause there's still part of me 703 00:40:53,617 --> 00:40:55,744 that thinks she's playing chicken, right? 704 00:40:55,828 --> 00:40:58,539 Like, I'm gonna go down, and she's gonna be like, "Ah, bitch, I got you." 705 00:40:58,622 --> 00:40:59,874 Like... You know what I mean? 706 00:41:00,332 --> 00:41:01,584 I go down. 707 00:41:01,667 --> 00:41:03,043 I put my legs up. 708 00:41:03,627 --> 00:41:05,087 I don't know what to expect. 709 00:41:05,754 --> 00:41:07,256 And I go like this… 710 00:41:11,635 --> 00:41:13,262 And she doesn't do anything. 711 00:41:13,888 --> 00:41:15,639 And then she's like, "Hey, 712 00:41:16,056 --> 00:41:18,184 you're too far. Scooch on down." 713 00:41:22,938 --> 00:41:24,064 And I look at her, 714 00:41:24,148 --> 00:41:26,025 and her face is right here. 715 00:41:26,108 --> 00:41:28,444 And I'm like, "Ma'am, I think you're close enough." 716 00:41:31,822 --> 00:41:34,825 She's like, "No, no, you're too far. Scooch on down." 717 00:41:34,909 --> 00:41:37,119 And now I'm so mad, I'm like, "Come get it!" 718 00:41:40,539 --> 00:41:42,958 Like, I legit told her, "Come get it!" 719 00:41:46,212 --> 00:41:47,338 And guess what? 720 00:41:48,130 --> 00:41:49,882 She fucking came and got it. 721 00:41:56,472 --> 00:41:59,808 Dude, she started treating me like she was moving out of her apartment 722 00:41:59,892 --> 00:42:02,436 and had to clean the fridge, you know what I mean? Like… 723 00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:05,397 "This is expired, this is expired, this is..." 724 00:42:11,862 --> 00:42:13,697 Like, seriously. 725 00:42:14,365 --> 00:42:15,866 And it was so quiet. 726 00:42:16,909 --> 00:42:17,785 Yo. 727 00:42:18,494 --> 00:42:21,997 When I'm dating someone, at least they have a playlist, right? 728 00:42:22,081 --> 00:42:25,501 Like, "End of the Road," something. "Water Runs Dry." 729 00:42:27,253 --> 00:42:30,130 This woman was all quiet. Like… 730 00:42:31,507 --> 00:42:32,925 And then she finishes. 731 00:42:33,968 --> 00:42:35,386 And she leaves. 732 00:42:36,345 --> 00:42:37,596 Like they all do. 733 00:42:41,350 --> 00:42:43,185 I know. I know. 734 00:42:43,269 --> 00:42:44,353 You get it, girl. 735 00:42:50,609 --> 00:42:53,320 And after a little while, she comes in and she's smiling. 736 00:42:53,862 --> 00:42:56,574 She's like, "Hey, Cristela, it was really nice to meet you." 737 00:42:57,741 --> 00:43:00,744 And I was like, "Uh, bitch, I'm sorry, no. 738 00:43:00,828 --> 00:43:02,454 It's a little late for that. 739 00:43:03,581 --> 00:43:06,750 I'm Mexican. In my culture, we're fucking engaged. No." 740 00:43:07,376 --> 00:43:11,255 Like, "Oh, I got myself a doctor." Like you know what I mean? 741 00:43:15,593 --> 00:43:19,680 And then I realize that she's smiling 'cause she has to break some news to me. 742 00:43:20,598 --> 00:43:21,432 Mm-hm. 743 00:43:23,434 --> 00:43:24,643 So she comes in smiling. 744 00:43:24,727 --> 00:43:27,187 She's like, "Hey, Cristela. It's really nice to meet you." 745 00:43:27,271 --> 00:43:29,607 "So here's the thing, um… 746 00:43:31,066 --> 00:43:32,610 I think you're diabetic." 747 00:43:39,700 --> 00:43:43,746 And the first thing I thought was, "How high did she go up?" 748 00:43:55,424 --> 00:43:57,468 And I was like, "You're the vagina doctor." 749 00:43:58,677 --> 00:44:00,804 She's like, "Yes, I'm the vagina doctor. 750 00:44:01,597 --> 00:44:03,265 And you're diabetic." 751 00:44:03,932 --> 00:44:05,517 I was like, "Wow." 752 00:44:07,394 --> 00:44:08,937 And I thought about it. 753 00:44:09,938 --> 00:44:11,523 And I thought about it. 754 00:44:12,983 --> 00:44:14,068 And I was like… 755 00:44:16,070 --> 00:44:18,822 "How diabetic do you have to be… 756 00:44:21,575 --> 00:44:25,537 for the vagina doctor to be the one that finds it?" 757 00:44:27,247 --> 00:44:31,043 I didn't even know diabetes was an STD. What? 758 00:44:31,585 --> 00:44:32,878 Like, what do I do now? 759 00:44:32,961 --> 00:44:35,798 Do I have to call up everybody I've been with and let them know? 760 00:44:35,881 --> 00:44:41,220 Like, "Hey, dude, I just got tested. I tested positive for diabetes. 761 00:44:42,763 --> 00:44:45,557 I don't know if it's contagious but I just wanted to let you know." 762 00:44:45,641 --> 00:44:48,519 Like, "Tell everybody you've been with. Good luck." 763 00:44:50,979 --> 00:44:52,773 And then I started thinking, "What if it's contagious?" 764 00:44:52,856 --> 00:44:55,025 "Who the fuck gave me diabetes?" 765 00:44:57,569 --> 00:44:59,238 Now I wanna call up everybody back 766 00:44:59,321 --> 00:45:01,740 and be like, "Yo, did you put sugar on your dick?" 767 00:45:08,622 --> 00:45:11,708 "Was that a condom or a Fruit Roll-Up? What happened?" 768 00:45:22,386 --> 00:45:25,806 And then she tells me she found out I was diabetic from the urine sample. 769 00:45:26,473 --> 00:45:28,225 Fucking start with that. 770 00:45:29,935 --> 00:45:31,645 I'm all confused. 771 00:45:32,187 --> 00:45:33,188 I don't know medicine. 772 00:45:33,272 --> 00:45:36,066 I'm like, "What's next? The eye doctor says I have a yeast infection? 773 00:45:36,150 --> 00:45:37,651 How the fuck does this work?" 774 00:45:39,111 --> 00:45:42,364 I was so confused. I'm like, "How did she know?" Like, did she look down there 775 00:45:42,448 --> 00:45:44,992 and Willy Wonka's chocolate factory was there? 776 00:45:45,909 --> 00:45:49,037 She looked down there and an Oompa Loompa came out with a flute. 777 00:45:49,121 --> 00:45:50,330 And sang a song, like, 778 00:45:50,414 --> 00:45:54,251 Oompa loompa doo-pa-dee-doo 779 00:45:54,334 --> 00:45:57,463 This bitch got diabetes type two 780 00:45:57,546 --> 00:45:58,755 Like, what happened? 781 00:46:04,344 --> 00:46:05,929 Now I can't do anything anymore. 782 00:46:06,013 --> 00:46:07,514 I-- I don't-- I don't do anything. 783 00:46:07,598 --> 00:46:09,933 All day long, I just sit at home and watch murder shows. 784 00:46:10,017 --> 00:46:11,310 That's it now. 785 00:46:11,393 --> 00:46:14,730 I don't know why I love murder shows. I'm so obsessed with them. 786 00:46:14,813 --> 00:46:15,731 Yo. 787 00:46:17,191 --> 00:46:19,109 If I see a marathon of Forensic Files, 788 00:46:19,193 --> 00:46:20,527 it's like porn to me. 789 00:46:21,403 --> 00:46:22,738 I sit down in front of the couch. 790 00:46:22,821 --> 00:46:24,948 I'm like, "That's right. Killing for the insurance." 791 00:46:25,032 --> 00:46:26,325 Like, I get into it. 792 00:46:30,245 --> 00:46:32,164 There's a channel called the ID channel. 793 00:46:33,373 --> 00:46:36,001 Shows murder 24 hours a day, seven days a week. 794 00:46:36,084 --> 00:46:37,377 Murder, murder, murder! 795 00:46:39,296 --> 00:46:42,508 I watch it so much, I start cheering for these people. 796 00:46:43,509 --> 00:46:46,345 I saw a woman kill her husband last week. I'm like, "That's right, Lydia." 797 00:46:46,428 --> 00:46:47,930 "We don't need no man." 798 00:46:53,769 --> 00:46:57,064 I watch so many crime shows, I think I can solve things in real life. 799 00:46:57,773 --> 00:47:00,901 Like if I'm in traffic and there's a sign that says, like, "Missing Person," 800 00:47:00,984 --> 00:47:02,945 I'm like, "Oh, shit, I'm on the case." 801 00:47:03,820 --> 00:47:05,280 I start looking. 802 00:47:07,241 --> 00:47:09,576 I'm afraid that one day I'll take it too far, right? 803 00:47:10,118 --> 00:47:12,371 Like, I'll get pulled over by a cop and he's gonna be like, 804 00:47:12,454 --> 00:47:15,582 "Did you see that stop sign?" And I'm like, "No, I didn't see that stop sign. 805 00:47:15,666 --> 00:47:19,002 Why? 'Cause I'm looking for Amanda. What the fuck are you doing?" 806 00:47:21,838 --> 00:47:24,550 "That stop sign's not moving. Where's Amanda?" 807 00:47:27,761 --> 00:47:29,763 The other day, I woke up and I got mad. 808 00:47:33,183 --> 00:47:35,686 'Cause I was thinking, you ever notice people my age and older, 809 00:47:35,769 --> 00:47:38,480 we never got thanked for learning the internet. 810 00:47:40,774 --> 00:47:43,735 We gave it to the future. "You're welcome, future." 811 00:47:45,028 --> 00:47:46,280 We did that. 812 00:47:47,447 --> 00:47:50,492 'Cause now I'm at the point where, like, I see that there's kids that are bored 813 00:47:50,576 --> 00:47:53,161 that have never had to deal with no technology. 814 00:47:53,704 --> 00:47:55,372 We had to figure it out. 815 00:47:56,665 --> 00:47:59,960 And now, people will judge you. Like, I don't get TikTok. 816 00:48:00,586 --> 00:48:02,754 I was like, "I don't get TikTok. Someone explain it to me." 817 00:48:02,838 --> 00:48:05,299 They're like, "You're just too old." "Fuck you." 818 00:48:09,761 --> 00:48:12,556 Guess what? I gave you TikTok. 819 00:48:13,181 --> 00:48:16,184 I had to go through bullshit like MySpace 820 00:48:16,852 --> 00:48:19,187 so that you could have TikTok. 821 00:48:19,771 --> 00:48:22,733 You don't know what it's like to have your friends not talk to you 822 00:48:22,816 --> 00:48:25,819 'cause you wouldn't put them in the "top eight" spots. 823 00:48:30,282 --> 00:48:31,325 What is TikTok? 824 00:48:31,408 --> 00:48:32,409 I mean, seriously. 825 00:48:32,492 --> 00:48:36,455 The lockdown started, TikTok blew up, and it was just families dancing. 826 00:48:39,916 --> 00:48:43,295 People were dying all over the world, but they're like, "Look at our rhythm." 827 00:48:45,130 --> 00:48:45,964 ¿Abuela? 828 00:48:46,048 --> 00:48:47,049 Like, what? 829 00:48:50,886 --> 00:48:54,389 To me, TikTok is just hot people pointing at things for, like, a minute. 830 00:49:06,652 --> 00:49:09,696 "I know I live with my parents, but here are some business tips." 831 00:49:18,413 --> 00:49:20,332 We learned the internet. Think about it. 832 00:49:20,415 --> 00:49:22,501 We were technological pioneers. 833 00:49:22,584 --> 00:49:24,336 One day, we woke up, boom. 834 00:49:24,419 --> 00:49:27,547 AOL CDs with 1500 hours on them. 835 00:49:29,341 --> 00:49:30,592 We didn't know what to do. 836 00:49:30,676 --> 00:49:32,761 We had to figure it out. 837 00:49:32,844 --> 00:49:34,388 There was no YouTube. 838 00:49:35,722 --> 00:49:38,266 We had to connect to the internet with a landline. 839 00:49:40,227 --> 00:49:41,812 A landline. 840 00:49:45,399 --> 00:49:48,735 Some of you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. A landline. 841 00:49:56,243 --> 00:49:57,703 Let me explain a landline. 842 00:49:57,786 --> 00:50:00,247 Back in the day, a family would share one phone. 843 00:50:01,748 --> 00:50:03,125 But it was glued to the wall. 844 00:50:05,752 --> 00:50:08,213 And if you were lucky, it came with a long-ass cable. 845 00:50:09,214 --> 00:50:12,008 You could talk in the kitchen, in the living room… 846 00:50:12,968 --> 00:50:15,679 And you always knew when you had to go back. 'Cause it was like, "Oh..." 847 00:50:22,477 --> 00:50:26,064 If you wanted to get on the internet, you had to unplug your phone, 848 00:50:26,815 --> 00:50:29,526 plug it into your computer, and call the internet. 849 00:50:30,152 --> 00:50:31,737 And hope it wasn't busy. 850 00:50:35,699 --> 00:50:38,660 And it always sounded like the internet would die for you. 851 00:50:39,953 --> 00:50:43,081 Like, "Oh, my God, I don't know. Here I go." 852 00:50:53,008 --> 00:50:54,426 "You've got mail." 853 00:50:55,552 --> 00:50:56,845 "From who?" 854 00:50:59,723 --> 00:51:01,308 Using the phone was a big deal. 855 00:51:01,391 --> 00:51:03,769 We were all so excited to use the phone. 856 00:51:03,852 --> 00:51:06,646 When I was growing up, getting a call at your house, that was a big deal. 857 00:51:06,730 --> 00:51:09,524 That was like a rite of passage. When people would start calling you. 858 00:51:09,608 --> 00:51:12,402 "Is Cristela there?" "Oh my God, it's me! Hi!" 859 00:51:13,904 --> 00:51:16,948 It was such a big deal because not everybody could do it. 860 00:51:17,032 --> 00:51:19,409 Now we're so connected, I get a phone call, I'm like, 861 00:51:19,493 --> 00:51:21,161 "Who the fuck is calling me? 862 00:51:23,538 --> 00:51:25,874 Text me like a human being, damn it." 863 00:51:29,711 --> 00:51:32,130 I was expecting so much more from the internet. 864 00:51:32,214 --> 00:51:35,967 I thought we were gonna be smart. I thought we were gonna be geniuses. 865 00:51:36,051 --> 00:51:38,887 I'm a nerd. I thought, "That's how you get to Star Trek. 866 00:51:40,305 --> 00:51:42,015 We're all gonna be so smart." 867 00:51:42,098 --> 00:51:43,517 Guess what? We're not. 868 00:51:44,392 --> 00:51:45,310 We're dumb. 869 00:51:46,937 --> 00:51:49,272 Think about it. The year is 2022. 870 00:51:50,732 --> 00:51:53,735 It's seven years after Back to the Future Part II. 871 00:51:55,904 --> 00:51:57,447 Where are the flying cars? 872 00:51:58,532 --> 00:52:00,033 We don't have hoverboards. 873 00:52:01,076 --> 00:52:04,496 The only thing that came true was that Biff was president. 874 00:52:14,631 --> 00:52:16,925 It was hard to keep in touch with people. 875 00:52:17,843 --> 00:52:19,219 But we had to make the effort. 876 00:52:19,302 --> 00:52:22,097 My first cell phone had a feature called "weekend and nighttime minutes." 877 00:52:22,180 --> 00:52:23,265 I don't wanna brag. 878 00:52:25,141 --> 00:52:26,017 Back in the day, 879 00:52:26,101 --> 00:52:29,563 every cell phone plan would come with a hundred anytime minutes. 880 00:52:29,646 --> 00:52:31,439 And after you were done with those 100 minutes, 881 00:52:31,523 --> 00:52:34,442 they would charge you a thousand dollars a minute. 882 00:52:38,905 --> 00:52:41,116 And if you wanted to talk to anybody you gave a shit about, 883 00:52:41,199 --> 00:52:44,619 you had to wait 'til Saturday or Sunday or after00 p.m. 884 00:52:44,703 --> 00:52:47,956 And the rest of the week, you're like, "Man, I hope that bitch isn't dead." 885 00:52:53,879 --> 00:52:56,673 But we're so connected, we're disconnected. 886 00:52:56,756 --> 00:53:00,093 Social media? We don't treat each other like people anymore. 887 00:53:00,176 --> 00:53:02,512 People wanna pick a fight with you. 888 00:53:02,596 --> 00:53:05,932 Sometimes they'll call out good shit. They'll call right shit. 889 00:53:06,016 --> 00:53:09,644 But you got people that are looking for anything. They just wanna be mad. 890 00:53:10,395 --> 00:53:13,481 Like, I can't write anything on Twitter that doesn't upset someone. 891 00:53:13,565 --> 00:53:16,610 I can write something simple like, "I hate traffic." 892 00:53:17,360 --> 00:53:19,321 And someone'll be like, "Hey, you bitch!" 893 00:53:21,031 --> 00:53:24,659 "My grandfather is half-Irish, half-traffic!" Like, "What?" 894 00:53:25,535 --> 00:53:26,828 Like, "What? 895 00:53:28,788 --> 00:53:29,789 What?" 896 00:53:34,210 --> 00:53:36,796 But you know what? Now we need to come together 897 00:53:36,880 --> 00:53:38,840 to actually see what we can do. 898 00:53:44,429 --> 00:53:46,056 Shit is messed up. 899 00:53:47,182 --> 00:53:49,142 But it doesn't have to be. 900 00:53:49,225 --> 00:53:52,395 I never thought that racism was gonna come back the way it did. 901 00:53:52,479 --> 00:53:53,730 It never went away. 902 00:53:54,356 --> 00:53:57,859 But the power, the pride, 903 00:53:57,943 --> 00:54:00,987 that I never thought they were gonna have again. 904 00:54:01,071 --> 00:54:02,614 But fuck they do. 905 00:54:02,864 --> 00:54:05,742 You know? I didn't expect the KKK to come back. 906 00:54:06,493 --> 00:54:09,746 I mean, and there they are, fucking wearing their white sheets. 907 00:54:10,622 --> 00:54:12,707 You know how racist you have to be 908 00:54:12,791 --> 00:54:15,001 to spend that much money on detergent? 909 00:54:20,006 --> 00:54:22,217 Like, that's heavy-duty laundry, man. 910 00:54:23,385 --> 00:54:25,178 So I started thinking about all that shit. 911 00:54:25,261 --> 00:54:27,222 And I started thinking, "I wanna fight that. 912 00:54:27,305 --> 00:54:28,723 How do I fight that?" 913 00:54:28,807 --> 00:54:30,934 And I started thinking, "Well, that's a hate group." 914 00:54:31,017 --> 00:54:32,727 Guess what? I hate hate. 915 00:54:33,645 --> 00:54:36,064 I was like... "I hate hate." 916 00:54:37,732 --> 00:54:38,942 And I started thinking about it, 917 00:54:39,025 --> 00:54:40,986 and I'm like, "You know what? That's what I'm gonna do. 918 00:54:41,486 --> 00:54:42,904 I'm gonna start a group. 919 00:54:42,988 --> 00:54:44,906 And it's a hate hate club." 920 00:54:46,116 --> 00:54:47,659 We hate hate. 921 00:54:48,243 --> 00:54:50,245 And we use brown sheets. 922 00:54:52,247 --> 00:54:55,125 So that they can be dirty and we're okay with it. 923 00:54:58,753 --> 00:55:00,380 Now, I'm pitching it to you. 924 00:55:01,214 --> 00:55:03,633 Okay? 'Cause I-- I'm still-- I'm still working it out. Okay? So… 925 00:55:05,093 --> 00:55:06,594 It's a hate hate group. 926 00:55:07,345 --> 00:55:09,681 And it's for everybody, but it's only for Latinos. 927 00:55:09,764 --> 00:55:12,017 Okay. So… 928 00:55:15,770 --> 00:55:18,481 Hate hate! Everybody's welcome. Only for Latinos. 929 00:55:20,483 --> 00:55:22,027 I call it 930 00:55:22,110 --> 00:55:23,445 the Qué-Qué-Qué. 931 00:55:35,415 --> 00:55:38,793 'Cause every day, I wake up, I watch the news, I'm like, "¿Qué?" 932 00:55:39,878 --> 00:55:41,337 "¿Qué? ¿Qué?" 933 00:55:44,090 --> 00:55:46,134 In Caucasian, that's "What?" 934 00:55:46,217 --> 00:55:47,385 "What? What?" 935 00:55:54,642 --> 00:55:57,020 It's time to call out the bullshit. 936 00:55:57,103 --> 00:55:59,647 There's been a lot of bad stuff that's been around for years 937 00:55:59,731 --> 00:56:01,149 that we have to correct. 938 00:56:01,649 --> 00:56:05,320 Like the whole thinking, "Mexicans are taking away our jobs." 939 00:56:06,279 --> 00:56:07,363 No, they're not. 940 00:56:07,781 --> 00:56:11,576 It just feels like that 'cause it's Mario Lopez doing that. 941 00:56:15,121 --> 00:56:18,625 It's Mario Lopez taking away your job. 942 00:56:19,292 --> 00:56:21,920 Does that guy say yes to everything? 943 00:56:26,132 --> 00:56:27,175 That's the whole thinking. 944 00:56:27,258 --> 00:56:30,178 When we talk about "Mexicans are taking away our jobs." Right? 945 00:56:30,261 --> 00:56:33,348 They make it seem like we're coming in and just sneaking into the White House, 946 00:56:33,431 --> 00:56:36,184 and it's like, "Ah, fuck it. I'm Chief of Staff." 947 00:56:44,484 --> 00:56:46,986 The truth is, you don't want those jobs. 948 00:56:47,070 --> 00:56:48,571 Do you know how I know? 949 00:56:48,655 --> 00:56:52,408 'Cause I've never seen a white woman out in the fields picking vegetables 950 00:56:52,492 --> 00:56:53,660 with Latinos. 951 00:56:54,619 --> 00:56:57,080 You've never seen that. Out in the field, this white woman, like, 952 00:56:57,163 --> 00:56:59,749 "Oh, my God, Maria, it is hot today, right?" 953 00:57:06,047 --> 00:57:08,633 "Caliente." 954 00:57:12,345 --> 00:57:15,390 "I've had two coconut waters today. It's fantastic. 955 00:57:17,016 --> 00:57:18,309 Hold on. ChapStick. 956 00:57:21,312 --> 00:57:22,605 Let's get to work. 957 00:57:24,399 --> 00:57:26,443 I brought my Fitbit for the steps. 958 00:57:31,531 --> 00:57:34,200 Hey, after this, do you wanna go get some Italian?" 959 00:57:35,452 --> 00:57:38,621 Thank you guys! My name is Cristela Alonzo! You've been fantastic! 960 00:57:38,705 --> 00:57:39,873 Thank you so much! 961 00:57:57,640 --> 00:57:59,809 Cristela, I'm still waiting here. 962 00:57:59,893 --> 00:58:01,561 I hope you didn't forget about me. 963 00:58:01,644 --> 00:58:02,604 You know, 964 00:58:03,146 --> 00:58:05,690 we have a movement to run. Yes. 965 00:58:05,773 --> 00:58:09,569 Yeah, we have to save democracy, Cristela. Really. I'm here waiting. 966 00:58:09,903 --> 00:58:12,405 What happened? Please call me. 967 00:58:36,095 --> 00:58:38,223 Oy vey! And up! 968 00:58:38,306 --> 00:58:40,642 Use your knees, Page. Come on, push it.