- Anastasia.
Anastasia, if you can hear me,
send us a sign.
[eerie music]
[table shakes] [all gasp]
We have a visitor.
♪ ♪
- My hair!
- Um, what the fuck?
- Okay, demon, it's time for--
[gasps loudly]
- Ah!
- Shammy...
- [indistinct] - [screams]
- [as demon] Felicem vesperam sanctam!
[all scream]
You bitches are so fucked.
- We never should've played that fucking game!
all: ♪ I-I-I-I ♪
♪ I want you back ♪
["I Want You Back" by N'SYNC]
[all laugh]
- Oh. - Oh, watch out!
- Move.
- Don't get your outfit dirty, Joshy.
We need it to look good for the fall lip sync.
You guys, look.
Jeremy Fischbein is so freaking hot.
[squeals]
- That's a sign for fingering.
He totally wants to shag you, Erica.
- Yeah, baby, yeah. It's N'SYNC.
Hey, Erica.
Your costume is smoshing.
- Thanks, Fischbein.
You too.
And cool impression.
[chuckles nervously]
Anyway, later. - Yeah, okay, see ya.
[both squeal]
- That was the sexiest fucking thing I've ever seen!
- Oh, wait, let's do a dance to celebrate.
- Ooh, yeah. - Six, seven, eight.
[all vocalizing dance beats]
- ♪ Tell me what to do now ♪
- Go Andy, go Andy.
- Yeah. - Go Andy.
- ♪ You back ♪
- What's this house dressed as, a nightmare?
- Big house, big candy.
- I don't know. It's pretty old--
too much stone. - And freaky.
- Who's gonna do it?
- I'll do it, you wimps.
Lame.
I say we peace out of this biatch--
- [shouts] What's up? [all scream]
- Chillax, homies. Welcome to my "crib."
Sorry to say I'm fresh out of sweets.
- Th-that's okay.
We should probably get back to my house anyway.
- Yeah. - No, no, no!
[giggles nervously] I can't let you leave
empty-handed--
not a group like this--
so sweet, so innocent,
so close.
♪ ♪
I know!
How 'bout a book? [gasps]
- A book?
Jesus, I wanted Warheads, not fucking homework.
- Happy Halloween.
[chuckles] Get out.
♪ ♪
- Oh, hey, I'll trade. - Yeah.
- What is this thing anyway?
- "M.A.S.H." by Stacy Friendship?
- It's an activity book.
What does that weirdo think, we're eight?
- Hey, I know "M.A.S.H."
It's that predict-your-future game.
Ooh, it has a poem.
- I wanna read it.
[thunder booms] - Mansion, apartment,
shack, or house,
predict your job, predict your spouse.
They key is in what friendship takes--
- Can you predict when you're gonna die?
Gel pen me.
- Hey, I'm doing my own. - Oh, I wanna go first!
- Hey! - No, stop.
♪ ♪
- Okay, I'm gonna live in a shack with Jeremy Fischbein.
- Mm. - And have 100 kids.
[laughter]
- I'm gonna live in a mansion.
I'm gonna marry Joey Fatone.
- Oh, you go, girl. - Oh, Joey.
[laughter] - I'm gonna live in a house.
- So I'm gonna live in an apartment.
- And I'm going to become a cult leader!
- I'm gonna be a pro wrestler. - I will have a pet snake.
- The world record for the longest nails.
- And I will be a gravedigger.
- Yeah. - I could see that.
- And finally, I'm going to die by--
[thunder booms] Hey, stop.
You smudged my board. - Sorry, it's lights out.
all: Aw. - Nighty night, N'SYNC.
- It's okay-- I know exactly
what our real futures will be--
BFFs forever. Core Three for life.
all: Core Three for life! Core Three for life!
- Core Three? Learn how to count, morons.
all: Core Three for life! Core Three for life!
Core Three for life!
- ♪ What'chu doin? ♪
- ♪ Nothin', chillin' at the Holiday Inn ♪
- ♪ Who you with? ♪ - ♪ Me and my peeps ♪
♪ Thought you'd bring over your friends ♪
- ♪ What we gon' do? ♪ - ♪ Feel on each other ♪
♪ And sip on some Hen ♪
♪ One thing leading to another ♪
♪ Let the party begin ♪ - ♪ What'chu doin'? ♪
- ♪ Nothin', chillin' at the Holiday Inn ♪
- ♪ Who you with? ♪ - ♪ Me and my peeps ♪
♪ Thought you'd bring over your friends ♪
["Holidae In" by Chingy feat. Snoop Dogg and Ludacris]
- [giggles] [smacks lips]
[phone chimes]
- Hmm.
Hi, welcome to Sub Conscious.
Do you want something? I can make it.
Rrrrramon can make it.
Sorry I rolled the R. I know you don't like it.
[phone dings] - Ugh.
Candace Nicaragua, I simp for that cake, you bitch!
- [squeals] - You don't even sweat!
- Um, yeah, 'cause it's gross.
Yeah, sweating's for millennials.
Cheugy, sweaty fucks.
- Millennials? Ew!
[both laugh] They, like, remember
where they were during 9/11.
- Ew. - That's so gross.
You got it, girl. Low--
[screams] [both squeal]
[jaunty music]
- Erica Greenspan!
- [sighs] Hi, Phoebe.
- Look at you, and not on Zoom!
- [robotic voice] But still waiting for host
to start meeting. - Welcome to the best coast.
I'm glad you're sitting down.
I really am, because are you ready for this?
- I don't know, am I?
[gasps]
Oh, my God, that's my logo.
- Yeah. - You like it?
- Uh, adore. - [laughs]
That's so great!
Um, this is probably very clear,
but I modeled the logo on the leaf
of the Brazilian herb you used...
- Really? - To give your tea
the sensation of cocaine without the cocaine.
- Well, that is the Gravi-tea promise.
Cocaine! - It's weird--
I couldn't find anything about it online,
so I reached out to a South American horticulturist and--
- [laughing] Whoa, okay. That's a lot.
- Oh, wow, I'm going, like--
- For a little green drawing? [laughs]
- Yeah, I guess I'm a nerd. - Oh, no.
You've got this, like, rock star mentality
I feel like no one else here has.
- [chuckles] - It's honestly exactly why
I fired the entire design team on a mass email.
- Oh, wow. - Yeah, and I had to have you
come here IRL. - [coughs]
- In real life.
- Hey, uh, Phoebe. Uh, just circling back
on my idea to swap out the ping-pong tables
with an axe-throwing station.
- Oh, my God, I love it.
- Yeah. - And you know what else
is a great idea, is, like, you paying the legal bills
for the unpaid intern who gets his dick chopped off.
Isn't that fun? Do it.
Go, make it happen.
That's my cousin, Lenny.
He ate my grandpa's cigarettes for years.
He's still actually on the design team.
Well, I hope that you-- and especially, I hope,
your little Brooklyn boyfriend--
love the sunny weather here, because I'm feelin' it.
- Oh, Ben's here all the time for work.
He loves it out here and my family's here
and all my best friends from growing up.
- Oh, my God, you're still tight with your old crew?
Ugh, the only way I stay in touch with my high school squad
is through, like, stupid memes and shit.
[laughs] - [laughs nervously]
Yeah, that's fucking dumb as shit...
- [laughing] Yeah. - [laughs nervously]
- You know what?
We're having a Halloween party here tomorrow,
and I want you there.
The whole Gravi-Team is gonna be here--
might be the perfect opportunity to officially spill
a little tea to the rest of the floor.
- [giggles]
Oh!
- For fuck's sake, Lenny. - Spooky season, baby!
[laughs] - I swear to God,
if your mom didn't give us our seed money,
I'd fucking--I'd kill him.
I'd literally kill him. I have a plan.
[rock music]
- [laughs] Wait, do you know
who Benicio Del Toro is? - Um, yeah.
[laughs] - I don't.
- Why would you bring that up if you--
- [screams]
Core Three is in the building!
[all scream]
- Hello! - Oh, my God!
- It's a unicorn! - It is!
- Oh, my gosh! - Please, I was here,
like, two years ago for Izzy's third birthday party.
- Oh, my God, Izzy's now nine. - Nine.
- What?
That's impossible. - Oh, my gosh.
- Yes. - That makes my baby five.
Oh, sorry. [chuckles]
I didn't carry a baby to full-term.
Um, my business,
Andy Leonard Fitness--um, you've probably heard of it.
[laughs] - Cool!
- Uh, yeah, I'm kind of, like, a brand to the stars.
- Of TikTok.
- Well, I'm doing something very special, okay?
So don't, like, water it down. - I'm not watering it.
- No, but don't water it down. - I'm not watering it down.
- Just say you've heard of it-- - Yeah.
- Just say it's great. - I don't care about it.
- Stop talking about it. - Hey, I have a friggin' idea.
You guys wanna get drunk?
- Oh, lemme think about it. - Let me think...
Um... - Hmm...
both: Yeah. - [squeals]
- ♪ I wanna be bad ♪
♪ You make that feel so good ♪
♪ I'm losin' all my cool ♪
♪ I'm about to break the rules ♪
♪ I-I wanna be bad ♪
♪ I wanna be bad with you, baby ♪
♪ I-I ♪
- [coughs]
- Ah. - Whoo!
- Wait, wait, do you guys remember
Senior Lock-In when it was that magic show,
and then that one kid mooned everybody,
and he had a playing card between his ass cheeks?
- Oh, my gosh, no. He was the King of Farts.
What's his name? It was Letso.
- Wait, no, no, no. I know this one.
I gave him a very dry hand job
at that abandoned summer camp.
- [gasps] both: Camp Wanabangme!
[laughter]
Oh, my God. You guys, I freakin' miss this.
Okay, and I don't wanna jinx it,
but I think after that interview,
you're gonna see a lot more of me.
- Yes, get it, queen.
- Fuck yeah, I knew you'd crush it.
Literally, I got a prosperity crystal
from my psychic neighbor.
It cost me, like, 1,000 bucks,
and I gave it a good rubbin' for you.
Oh, guys, don't look at me like that.
Shamrock is stupid legit, okay?
Just don't Google his name and the words "Tempe, Arizona."
- Good choices. - Oh, come on.
- Paul Dudley! both: What?
- King of Farts was named Paul Dudley.
- Oh, yeah! - [laughing]
- Paul Dudley.
- Oh, my God! My parents are in Palm Springs.
- Ooh. - Don't you guys wanna spend
the night at my house? It'd be so fun!
[both cheer] - Slumbay!
I have extra toothbrushes!
- Oh, don't tell me twice. - Don't tell me once.
[phone chimes]
[party music]
- Boy, oh, boy. - It's mad chilly.
- ♪ A vodka a day keeps the doctor away ♪
- [laughs] - Oh, boy.
- Welcome to my home! - Oh, boy.
[both laugh]
- Jinkies.
- I swear I locked this before I left.
- Okay, Erica, wait.
The manliest person go first, okay?
- Okay, go. - That's you.
You know it's you.
Oh, no, a tiny knife.
Oh, that's the key. - The key.
- Okay.
[eerie music]
♪ ♪
- [whispering] Oh.
- [whispering] What do we do?
[whispering indistinctly]
- [whispering] Vase--the vase. - Okay.
♪ ♪
- What do we do now?
- Uh-- - Shit.
- [sighs] - Okay.
[all scream] - Oh!
[vase shatters] [all screaming]
- What the hell you guys doing here?
You scared the shit out of me, you fucking virgins.
- I literally have a child. I've been fucked.
- Right. - I'm in town
for a job interview,
and these guys are spending the night.
What are you doing here besides Pornhubbing
where Grandma has Thanksgiving turkey?
- Kay, first of all, don't bring up Grandma when I'm hard.
And second of all, Mom and Dad didn't tell you
I was living here? - No.
- Classic them. [chuckles]
I'm sort of in between spots at the moment.
- Oh, that sucks. How's everything else, bad too?
- No, things are pretty great.
Yeah, I'm just crushing the vibe, drowning in poonani.
- Ugh. - [laughs]
And I got a real sick job in tech, so...
- Tech support. You work for a cable company.
- It's the number one most-called I.T. department
in the country, baby! - That's not a good thing.
[lights click] - [gasps] Ah.
- Oh, no, we're scared of the dark.
[chuckles] Erica?
- Josh?
- Erica, go reset the breaker, please.
- No, thank you. You do it. - Please do.
What do you think, I'm just gonna wrap this up
'cause you're in here? I'm busy.
[moaning on laptop] - Oh, my God.
Okay, I'll do it. You guys go upstairs.
Don't drop anything else. I'm sobering up.
- Careful. - Yeah.
- I think someone broke something?
- Yeah.
- Shoot.
♪ ♪
[clears throat]
♪ ♪
- It's just my mom's rack.
♪ ♪
[chuckles]
You guys!
Look what I found! - Oh, my God, M.A.S.H.
I remember we used to play that!
- Okay, oh, my God.
I'm going to be a plumber. - [laughs]
- I live in a shack. I marry Jeremy Fischbein.
- Ew! - Ew!
And I have 100 kids--no!
- Oh, my God! - Way to go, Fischbein!
- Loose. [chuckles]
- Me, me. Okay, um, I drove a Segway.
[laughing] Okay.
Uh, my job is, uh, I'm a cult leader.
- I could see it. - Yeah.
- Yeah, I see that. [laughter]
- And then I married a Mr. Knight.
- [laughs] Oh, yeah, I remember him.
He was that creepy geography teacher
who, like, walked all weird. He really liked you, Andy.
Gimme, gimme, my turn. [laughter]
Okay, I live in a mansion. I'm a pro wrestler.
Ooh, the world record for the longest fingernails!
Okay, oh, my word.
I am married to Joey Fatone.
Ow! Ooh, I could work with that.
- All right, let me see. Let me see.
- Okay, yeah, sure. - Okay.
Job--gravedigger. Pet--snake.
- Okay. - Death by...
- By what?
- Shit, there's a smudge.
- What do you mean a smudge? - How the shit am I gonna die?
- You die by smudge. [laughter]
Give me that thing.
[gasps] Ooh, there's a poem.
[clears throat]
Mansion, apartment, shack, or house,
predict your job, predict your spouse.
The key is in what friendship takes.
Read this poem, unlock your fates.
[magical music]
- Yeah. - Ooh...
[laughter]
- Stupid!
[laugh echoes]
[eerie music]
♪ ♪
[phone chiming] - [grumbles awake]
Shut up.
[groans]
[sighs]
Happy Hungover Halloween.
Hey, what are you guys getting into later?
Do you wanna come back here,
hand out candy with Princess Peach?
- No. - No.
Candace Nicaragua is going to this Halloween party,
and she invited me,
and a lot of her influencer friends are gonna be there,
so she said if I show up,
I could easily get, like, 10,000 followers.
- I can't even trick-or-treat with Izzy.
I have to send her out with Arden and Arden's mom
and the rest of the big little-eyes fuckers at school.
- Get out of here! [all scream]
- My Metaverse nightclub is having a troll orgy--
third annual trollgy--
but I could probably bot it out or something.
- Why didn't you sleep in your own room?
- [murmurs mockingly] - It's okay.
When I'm back here, hopefully for good,
we'll be hanging out every damn day.
- That's a lot of days. - Just like old times.
- Mm, you silly girl. [giggles]
You're silly. So silly, girls.
[giggling] So silly.
- ♪ That's not my name ♪
♪ They call me quiet, but I'm a riot ♪
♪ Mary-Jo-Lisa, always the same ♪
♪ That's not my name ♪
[phone rings]
["That's Not my Name" by The Ting Tings]
- Hi, babe. Why did you swap our costumes?
- [scoffs] I thought that was you,
not that I hate it. My nuts are breathing.
- Oh, my God, this is the first time
in my life I've ever fucked up packing.
- Uh-oh. Something must be wrong.
- Wait a second.
What is that behind you?
Is that luggage?
- Babe, you ruined the surprise.
If you land this job, I cannot miss the celebration.
- Aw, babe!
- Ta-ta-ta-ta-- don't tell Yoshi.
I don't wanna make this a whole thing.
- Okay, love you.
- ♪ That's not my name ♪
♪ That's not my name ♪
♪ They call me hell ♪
♪ They call me Stacey ♪
♪ They call me her ♪
- Wow.
Wow. Wow.
[upbeat music]
- What's good, fit fam? It's me, Ari.
[laughs] Just kidding. It's Andy.
Andy Leonard from #AndyLeonardMethod.
So okay, I see some of you are already dipping out.
That's cool. "Thank u, next."
But anyways, it's a hot-ass Halloween,
so I figured we'd cool down
by answering some of your questions.
So just take a sec--
[thud, crash]
No!
[gasps] No, no, no, no, no!
[dramatic musical sting] [screams]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I'm still leasing this, you stupid fuck!
No.
[gasps] Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
Sorry because I feel bad, not because I did anything.
Just wanna make sure.
[squeals]
[Ludacris' "Pimpin' All Over the World"]
- ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
- Graham, I have reset your password.
Now save it to your keychain
and gargle my balls.
Go ahead and delete that. [keyboard clicking]
- ♪ You know who we are ♪
- All right, I'm back, ya fuckin' racists.
Let's head on down to Clown Town.
[phone ringing]
[keyboard clicking] Oh, shit.
Ms. Monroe.
We meet again.
- Sorry, um--
did I--is this I.T.?
- Uh, yeah. Yeah. Uh, yeah, no.
It's, uh-- it's Josh Greenspan.
I'm the one that set up your work account
a year ago.
Remember? [chuckles]
- I don't. Anyway, my thing isn't letting me in.
Something about a firew--
[voice cuts out] - What?
Hello? Hello? Haley?
Haley? Ah, you're breaking up!
Haley! All right, hold on.
I got really bad service in my bedr--
my, uh, my corner office.
- I'll just call someone else. - No, no, no, no! No, no, no!
I'll save you! I'll save--
[tense music]
♪ ♪
- Are you okay? I heard a noise.
- No, yeah, no, it's...
it's all Gucci here.
So have you tried to...
unplug your device and plug it back in?
[wind whistling]
- [grunts] Whew. Windy.
Ramon, you have to charge for extra zesty sauce.
'Cause-- [wind blowing]
- It's windy.
- ♪ Mr. Loverman, Shabba ♪
- I got this one, Ramon.
- Hi. [laughs]
I'm Joey. - [laughs] Hi, I'm Malala.
Mikayla. Mikayla.
- Well, Mikayla, nice to meet you.
Cool sexy werewolf costume.
- Oh. [laughs] It's just--just a werewolf.
- Agree to disagree.
- [laughs]
- How's your spicy Italian?
- Meaty. Thick.
- Wet?
- It could be. - You know what?
I'd like a 12-incher
packed with salami.
- Pack it? - Yeah, pack it.
- Yeah. - How tight do you want it?
- Oh, very tight.
[meat slapping]
I like a lot of mayo.
- Just tell me when to stop.
- ♪ Shabba ♪
- Keep going.
[bottle spurting]
♪ Shabba, Shabba, Shabba ♪
- Daddy like.
♪ ♪
Actually, tonight at La Casa Fatone,
it's gonna be a graveyard smash if you're interested.
[bottle spluttering]
- ♪ Shabba, Shabba ♪
- [groans weakly]
- I take that as a "yes"?
- Oh, it's a big old yes.
- Now give it to me. - Oh, yeah.
I'll give it to you.
- ♪ Every hour, every minute ♪
♪ Every hour, every minute, and every second ♪
♪ Dem call me Mr. Loverman, dem call me Mr. Lover ♪
- ♪ It's Halloween ♪
- Wanna hear bone-chilling?
One time I saw a rat eat a pigeon.
I'm gonna be very excited to move back here.
- Howdy, howdy, everyone.
So I have a pretty big announcement,
one that has been a long time coming:
the all-in-one Theranos blood test.
[laughter]
But in all seriousness, you guys,
as many as you know, we have been in search
of a new SVP of Design for some time now,
and I'm happy to say, the search is over.
And although we're still technically waiting
on FDA approval... [groans]
Before we completely fucking disrupt Big Caffeine...
- Whoo. - [laughs] The wait is over.
I have the first cans right here,
complete with art from our little genius.
So without further ado,
stop hiding behind that mustache
and you come on down here, Lenny Webber!
both: What?
- Oh, cuz, I am beyond flattered.
But unfortunately, I can't accept,
- What?
- Not!
[laughs] I accept, I accept.
[as Borat] High five! [laughs]
- [laughing] I love that.
He's good. You're funny.
Oh, Erica.
Hey, here. Take a can.
It's gonna be so perfect
for all those late nights freelancing.
It's literally cocaine.
[laughs] I'm kidding.
Am I? I don't know. Let's party.
- I'm a boss! Let's party!
- You are not gonna believe this shit.
- I made a sub for Joey Fatone.
- What? - Joey Fatone.
Aka Joey Fat One,
aka Superman,
aka the third, arguably second, most famous member of N'SYNC.
- Ah, motherfucking trucker butt.
- Erica?
He invited me to a party at his house.
I am so turned on at work.
I might have to masty in the utility closet. [laughs]
- That is 100% a fireable offense.
- Not if you're the Bread Boss.
Now what shit were you about to tell me?
- I could've been a rockstar Gravi-teabagger,
but guess what?
The system is fucking rigged.
And it's always going to favor nepotism babies
like Cousin Lenny,
who probably doesn't even know how
to put together a well-paced PowerPoint.
- Aw, I'm so sorry, dude.
That sucks. [handle clicking]
Huh. - What?
- It's probably nothing,
but this shit that happened today is kinda weird, isn't it?
I mean, we found that M.A.S.H. game last night.
Today, Andy's car got all jacked up.
You missed out on a job that was just, like, on lock.
- My fucking parents' toilet's broken!
[water sloshing]
- [groans, screams] - Wait.
Are you plunging?
- No.
[plunger sucking] Yes.
- Because that would be very plumber of you.
- I am not gonna be a fucking plumber!
I graduated with an MFA from RISD.
- Whoa, how big of a doo-doo did you take, Pooper Mario?
- No, it was one wipe, you dipshit.
- Yeah, for a ten-pound doo-doo?
[laughs] You gotta take a look at the tank
or else we're gonna have to snake the drain.
Classic Erica. - Fuck.
- Oh! [hisses]
- Don't move.
[screams] - Oh! Oh, God!
[both screaming] - Oh, God!
- Drop! Drop and roll! - [screams]
Drop, drop, and roll! - [screaming]
- That isn't a snake, is it?
- Play dead! Play dead! - Aah!
- I don't wanna help you! - Fuck you!
[gasping] - Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Don't worry, babe. Don't worry.
Izzy and I, we watch animal shows all the time.
In the event that the snake is poisonous,
you just have to suck the venom out.
- What? - I don't wanna say this,
but Joshy? - Yeah?
- You better start sucking your sister.
- Oh, fuck. Just fuckin' do it.
- Uh, okay.
[tense music]
- [sucking] - What are you doing?
Have you never given a fucking hickey before?
- I've given several hickeys, and they've all posted
on Facebook how much they liked it, so--
- Doesn't fuckin' seem like it.
Oh, my-- - Just relax.
- Don't relax-- [gags]
- Congratulations, Ramon.
Dreams do come true.
You have made it to regional manager.
I am marrying Joey Fatone.
- [groans]
[both gagging]
[hisses]
- [screams]
We have to end this game.
- Why don't we get you going, girl?
We gonna get that body-ody-ody ready
for the potty-watty-watty.
[both laugh]
And if your boyfriend's gonna come,
I want him to go full goblin on that ass.
- [laughs] - Okay, I'm talking uhuhuhuh.
[car horn honks]
- Andy! - Um, so anyways,
these influencer friends of yours--
get that ass.
- Andy.
- Um, you're friends with the werewolf?
- Yes, ma'am. Sherman Oaks High. Class of--
- 2018! It's when I graduated!
[laughs] 2018. Whoo!
[laughs]
That's when she came to my graduation.
- Oh. - Oh, yeah. She's so old.
Hi, Miss Mikayla.
[laughs] Oh, ow!
My wisdom tooth's coming in 'cause I'm so young.
[both laugh] Girl, why don't you keep doing
that, okay? - Okay.
- Uh, I'll be right back. - Okay.
- Hey, what are you doing here?
- Andy, some shit is going down at Erica's.
It's like 9/11 bad.
- 9/11! I don't even know what that is.
- Yes, you do. - Ew.
- No one knows what--
- Get the fuck in the car! Come on!
- I'll walk you to your car. - Bye-bye.
- [sighs] Well, Andy just left me again.
He's helping some old lady.
- Let's go, Miss Mikayla.
- Let's go. Don't touch me. - Aww.
Oh, someone's [indistinct].
[eerie music]
[hisses] both: Whoa!
- Jesus.
- Okay, he's all yours. - Well, we can share it.
- Nope, no, thank you.
- Guys, there's a fucking snake here.
Yep, real fucking snake.
- Erica, please clarify something.
This stupid bitch did not make Joey Fatone
a chicken teriyaki submarine sandwich.
- Actually, I made him a spicy Italian
with extra meat and extra cum.
Erica, did you find Fischbein yet?
- Why would she need to find Fischbein?
Ohh, right.
Because Fischbein's your future husband.
[laughs] Right. - I can't find him anywhere.
He's not on Instagram. He's not on Twitter.
He's not on LinkedIn. What the fuck is that?
- Ugh, he's giving me real serial killer vibes.
[dramatic music] - [gasps] Holy shit!
- Aah! Oh, my God.
Am I gonna be a world-record holder?
- Oh, please. They're clearly press-ons.
- Ow, Andy! I grew them myself!
That fucking hurt! - What?
- What the hell is this smudge?
- What?
- My death. Smudged.
Eighth-grade Josh, he was a wild man.
I mean, this could be anything.
Right? It could be a serial killer.
It could be an anvil falling on my head.
It could be Topanga Lawrence spitting in my mouth
till I asphyxiate, which is actually kinda tight.
- Ugh. - I'm fucked!
[dramatic music]
- [gasps]
Well, I don't have time for this today, okay?
I do not have time for this today.
- Today? Okay.
What about the rest of our fucking lives?
I didn't spend my youth snorting bricks
of ADD meds and taking up $200,000
in student loans just to become a plumber
with Jeremy Fischbein in a shack with 100 kids!
Right now, my shit's tight, okay?
It's like a sweet little peach,
and I don't want it all splayed out,
flapping willy-nilly.
- That peach is a cobbler, girl.
- At least you're gonna live long enough to have sex.
- What? - Kids! To have kids.
So you can have sex to have kids.
- You said-- - [sighs]
I still had so much poon to smash.
- Ew, ew, ew. - Talking about your poon.
- Ugh, gross. Okay. You know what, you guys?
I'm gonna fix this because I am A+ Erica fucking Greenspan,
and I fix everything, okay?
Except toilets. - Yet.
- Will someone just burn the fuckin' M.A.S.H. book already?
It's like horror film 101, right?
Just burn it! - Burn it.
- Is that true? I don't really watch horror films.
I mostly watch documentaries.
- Oh, shut the fuck up, Erica. - Okay, all right.
[ominous music]
- [sighs]
♪ ♪
Well, how's everyone feelin'?
- Oh, my gosh, like, so cleansed.
Like mm. [laughs]
But my car's at the shop, and I literally have to run
to my next client, so don't stop, won't stop.
[laughs] But you know what?
We should definitely talk about doing this
all over again because honestly,
if I'm being honest with you guys,
I really miss-- [door slams]
- Wait, no! [sighs]
How are we gonna know if it worked?
- Ooh!
What about Jason Momoa?
- What? - Oh, my God.
He named the snake Jason Momoa.
- Fuck yeah I did 'cause he's got the hottest pythons
in the game. - Okay.
- Yeah, that-- - Okay, so here's what
we're gonna do.
We're gonna take off Jason's top.
If he's not in the box, boom.
Curse closed. - All right.
- Three. - Three.
all: Two.
[suspenseful music]
both: One.
- Oh, thank God.
Suck my dick, Jason Momoa.
[laughs] - Oh, my God, Andy was right.
- Yeah.
Wait, did he say he was running?
Like, actually running?
- Mm, that can't be.
[dramatic musical sting]
[foreboding music]
- [grunts]
[laughs] Hold on there, Usain Bolt.
Mr. Leonard. - [laughing] Mr. Knight.
That's so funny.
We were just tal--
oh, no.
Oh, fuck no.
- What? Andy? - Aah! Aah!
[screaming]
- Oh, Andy.
Oh.
[groans]
[suspenseful horror music]
Andy! - [pants]
[screams]
What the H-E-double vibrators is going on?
Aah!
Move! - Oh! [grunts]
♪ ♪
- Oh, thank God.
- What's the capital of Finland?
- [screams] Helsinki.
- Yes, it is.
- [panting] - [laughs]
Andy, come on! Relax.
It's just your old geography teacher for crying out loud.
[laughs]
I'm not here to kill you.
- [exhales] - Or am I?
What what? Cha-cha-cha-cha.
- [laughs] - Why would I do that?
I mean, maybe. No, just kidding.
Am I? No. [laughs]
- What? - [laughs] Come on!
You used to love those corny jokes of mine.
No? Oh.
Well, listen, hey, you dropped an earbud...
- Oh. - Back there. There you go.
Wanna make sure you got that back.
- Silly of me.
- Oh, and also found this out there.
You left that behind.
[mysterious music]
You gotta take better care of your stuff, man.
You know what, this is actually a teachable moment.
I love teachable moments.
[echoing] But you'd know that, right?
Teaching, talking.
Following.
[dramatic music]
- I got a whole new lease on life now.
- Yeah? - I'm looking for love.
- Aah! I'm too hot to marry Mr. Knight.
And I'm too hot to show up on a Segway
to the club like Paul fucking Blart!
- [gasps] - Aah!
- [panting] - Wait a minute.
But J Momo wasn't in the shoebo--
[all screaming] [hisses]
♪ ♪
- Okay. [keyboard clicking]
"Stacy Friendship."
Okay, "Stacy Friendship Japanese sing-along.
Ask Stacy: Advice About Friendship," no.
Wait.
"Stacy Friendship Defense."
It's from the "L.A. Times" from 1999.
"Elizabeth Lennox, 22, of Ventura, was convicted
"of first-degree murder
"in the slaying of Howard Miller, 23.
"Miller arrived at her home
"for what he believed was a date
"after the two met in an AOL chat room.
"The victim was unaware that Lennox,
"now a self-employed beekeeper,
"was his childhood classmate,
once voted 'Most Likely to Succeed.'"
[bees buzzing] - Uh...
[eerie music]
Hello?
Lenniegirl17?
It's How-Dawg.
[chilling music]
- I'm sorry, Howie.
- What?
- Aah! - [screams]
- [groans] No! I have Third Eye Blind tickets
for-- [screams]
- "Lennox blamed her action on Stacy Friendship,
an entity she believed to be controlling her life"?
Oh, my God.
- Okay, well.
Maybe it's a different Stacy Friendship.
Another one. You know that name's so common.
And it didn't even mention anything about M.A.S.H.
- That name is so common. Are you kidding?
Beekeeper, shack, that is the M.A.S.H.iest shit
I have ever heard.
- So what the fuck are we gonna do?
- Yeah, come on, A+ Erica.
- Get your shit. Follow me.
- Shouldn't we take some of your Adderall with us?
- No! - Erica, listen.
I'm not going near any convicted killers.
Are you out of your fuckin' mind?
- Okay, we have questions.
Lizzie might have answers.
It's all fine. We're gonna take my--
where the fuck is my rental car?
- Wait, my car's not here either.
- That, uh, that wasn't there before.
- "All violators will be towed
to Lucky's Autobody and Impound."
That's weird, because that's where my car's at.
- Okay, this is exactly why we need that beekeeper, okay?
- Mm-hmm. - So I'm gonna order a Lyft.
Oh! - What?
- Oh, my God. both: What?
- Holy shit! - What, what, what, what?
- I found Jeremy Fischbein. - Oh, sweet God, ew.
He looks like a leprechaun that only made it
to middle management. - Ugh, cancel the ride.
Cancel the ride, girl. - It's not letting me!
- I don't want it. - Mikayla, you do it.
- I don't want it! I got nails!
- All right, give it here! Give it.
[grunts]
- [panting] - Boom! App deleted.
- Thank you. [tires screeching]
- Whoa! - Oh, my God.
- Was that what was smudged? - Oh, my God.
- Yeah, right.
You titty twisters wish.
- Oh, my God, dude. I am so sorry.
You were in the--
Josh Greenspan? - Yeah.
- And Andy and Mikayla, and is that Erica?
- No! Hi.
- Oh, my God, it's Jeremy Fischbein!
- Yeah, mm-hmm.
From--from growing up.
- Mm-hmm. - From where?
- You, um--your chariot...
my van's over here.
- Someone fucking kill me. - Ooh.
- Man, it is so freaking cool
to see you guys hanging out still.
The Core Three! Oh, my gosh.
So catch me up. [laughs]
- Ooh, Erica and her boyfriend are soulmates.
- Hey, that's awesome.
Erica's all boo'd up. Mazel.
And I see you and he haven't lost your spark.
- Oh, no, dude. That's all me.
- Oh, my God, ugh. - What?
What? - Don't tell people that.
- All right, I tink we're here.
Dang, trippy haunted house. [laughs]
Hope you can find it in your little hearts
to get cha boy five stars...
[laughs] Despite the vehicular assault.
Every review help--
[soft curious music]
♪ ♪
- Welcome to Shutter fuckin' Island.
- Dr. Flores, dial 182, please.
- Hello, Officer...Adams.
We are here to see Lizzie Lennox.
- Inmate Lennox?
She doesn't receive visitors.
Did you even have an appointment?
- [laughing] An appointment.
Please.
I'm Lizzie's new psychiatrist,
and I'm here for a 2:00 p.m. eval.
And before you ask, this is my grad team.
- What up?
- Okay.
[unsettling music]
♪ ♪
Room 1266. Careful, doctor.
She's a freak.
- Oh, my God!
- Holy shit.
- Oh, wow. - Very creative, yet creepy.
♪ ♪
[talking over one another]
- Hi, Lizzie.
Um, my name is Erica.
We just have some questions about Stacy Friendship.
- Yeah.
- Um, we found this gamebook, and--
- [screams] - Aah!
- Oh, God! - Oh, no. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
- You didn't read the poem, did you?
- A what? - The poem in the book.
Did you read it? - Oh, yeah, we read...
- Yeah, we read it. - The whole thing.
- Read the shit out of it. - Front to back.
- It got wild, yeah. - And the middle.
- Uh-oh.
- SpaghettiO?
- ♪ She's back ♪
- Who's back? - [sighs]
[creepily] Stacy.
[ominous music]
- [whispering] Oh, my God, I've seen her before.
She turned into a fucking coatrack.
- [whispering] Wait, are you fucking kidding me?
I literally was jogging this morning,
and that thing had, like, that cone thing on the eye.
Right? Is that glaucoma? - Yeah, yeah.
- Is it glaucoma? - I can hear you.
- It's glaucoma.
- Stacy Friendship might seem like
a cute, fun book company for tweens...
- Mm-hmm. - But the real Stacy,
Anastasia Amicitia...
[all gasp] - Mm-hmm, old-ass Latin.
That can't be good. This is not good.
This is--this is bad.
- [breathing heavily-
[music swells]
♪ ♪
- She's a bitter, impish demon with powers vast and cruel,
known to target children during sleepovers,
cursing them with the cruelest punishment of all:
setting their lives on disparate paths
and ending their friendships forever.
- [gasps] - Ooh.
♪ ♪
- Usually Stacy's actions are spread out over the years.
But because you read your poem as adults,
it seems this game is catching up with you.
[dramatic musical sting] Fast.
- [gasps] - I've always hated poetry.
- So how do we break the curse?
- [sighs] Did you read the poem or not?
It's literally the third line down!
"The key is in what Friendship takes."
You have to give Stacy Friendship
what she wants.
- Which is...
- A human sacrifice.
[dark music]
♪ ♪
- So, um, is that why you...
- Made Howie miss his concert?
- Yeah. - Why else?
- So the only way out of this shit
is by killing our game husbands?
- Of course not.
- [exhales]
- Husband.
Singular. - Oh.
- And what, we just end up here with you,
wearing Kanye's outfit eating Jell-O?
- And you rid yourself of the demon.
Sure, I'm locked up,
but only because I got caught.
And this place isn't a shack, is it?
- Mm-mm, no. It's worse.
- And then there's my best friend, Nicky Evans.
Nicky and I played the game together.
Killing Howie saved Nicky's life.
Unless you've seen a lumberjack with triplets
tooling around in a monster truck?
- I hate this so much.
- I don't understand why she targeted us in the first place.
- [laughs]
Stacy chooses friendships that are vulnerable.
- That's crazy. We're not vulnerable.
We're best friends. We text every single day.
- [scared murmuring] - What is that sound?
- I'm just looking at the drawing.
[thunderous crash]
- I thought you said you were a doctor.
- Uh, baby, I lied.
[DMX's "Party Up"]
- [laughing] Oh.
- Go to sleep.
- Oh! - [laughing]
- [yelling indistinctly]
[grunts] all: Oh!
- [laughing] - Holy shit!
- I'm a pro wrestler!
A pro fucking wrestler!
Let's get the fuck outta here!
- ♪ Up in here ♪
- [laughing maniacally]
- Hey, shit stains, wait for me!
I can't feel my fuckin' legs!
- Oh, this is a cute little towing and auto stop.
All right, well, j'arrive.
[laughs] Think that's French for "We're here,"
so, yeah, remember to, uh--
- Yeah, five stars. - Yeah, the--
- Yeah, yeah, five stars. Whatever.
- Shove it up your ass, Fisch.
- Heard you. Annoying.
- We heard you. - God.
-I can't believe we got Fischbein again
- Is he the only driver in LA? - Ugh, get a grip.
[bell dings]
- Was it just me or did his car smell like cheese?
- It did smell like jizz. - I said cheese, babe.
- Oh.
- Oh. [laughs]
Well, this place better be quick.
I got to jet. - Wait.
Why do you get to leave early?
- Because there's already a powerful entity
controlling my life. It's called a third grader.
So just, like, text me where to meet
and we'll deal with all this demon stuff after, yeah?
- Okay, which one of you needs help?
- Um, all of us in every way.
- Okay, but start with me.
- Okay, yeah. - Thank you.
- [gasps] It's Ben! One sec.
- [mockingly] Oh, Ben. One sec. What about me?
I have a phone too, you know.
Hello? [bell dings]
[bell chimes]
I'm an influencer and I have a bell.
[bell chimes] Wouldn't wanna give you a bad review.
You're getting in my shot.
- Hey, babe. How'd it go?
- Okay, so you know how I really like making plans?
I think I need to start making some new ones.
- What do you mean? What happened?
- Phoebe hired her little vapist cousin over me.
- Shit. Well, who knows?
Maybe he deserved it.
Anyways, where should we meet?
Just landed at LAX. - I'm sorry.
I might have misheard you.
You said Cousin Borat deserved it?
- Wait, his name is Borat? - No!
No one is named Borat! [tools whirring]
Well, I know-- I wouldn't say no one,
but--there's a possibility,
but he's--he's not-- [sighs]
- Oh. Oh.
Yes.
[light odd music]
[coin clinking]
Fuck me.
♪ ♪
[laughs]
Not today, Satan.
♪ ♪
Here we go.
- Touched the mirror up. No problemo.
You're all set, my man.
- Thanks so much. Okay. [laughs]
Bye. - Yeah.
- I love what you're doing with that, um...
Yeah.
♪ ♪
Are you kidding me?
Hey, hey, girl. Hey, girl?
- You can't possibly mean this.
Okay? You're--I mean, you--
oh, you don't mean this.
It's the game. It's trying to break us up.
- What game? - Um, Ben, I'm sorry.
I need you to go to an In-N-Out, any one,
try the fries, tell me if they're good.
I don't think they're that good, okay?
I'm gonna fix this because I fucking love you!
Bye! - Love you t--
- Come on, you little bastard.
Come to papa.
[clang]
Oh, shit. Oh, shit, shit, shit.
[dramatic music]
Oh, yep. Okay, this is it.
[bell dings] - Hey, girl, sorry.
So funny story, you actually made it worse
'cause it won't start.
- That is funny because it was a second ago.
- So you agree, it's broken? - Just hang on a minute.
I have to help another customer.
- Okay, I'm a customer too, so if you could--
- Pop quiz!
Where's Lake Titicaca?
[screaming]
- Hey! - No! No!
[panting] - Andy!
Chill out, brother man.
[sighs] God.
Listen, hey, I just want to invite you
to a adult learning group that I happen to be leading up.
I think you'd-- - [screams]
- [groans] - [panting]
[crying] - Oh.
Hey, cowboy, take it easy!
- [crying]
Aah!
Is that what I look like?
[grunts]
[tense music]
Stacy, you stupid bitch.
♪ ♪
[yelling]
- "Exorcist near me."
One sec. Just real quick.
Ugh, there's so much shit on the Internet, right?
- I have other customers.
- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. - Yeah.
[eerie music]
Um. - Oh, my God. Holy shit.
- You're holding my hand. [laughs]
- I love you... - Whoa.
- And what you do is essential and honorable work.
Thank you so much. - Thank you.
Uh-- - I'll Venmo you!
- Oh, I'm supposed to get paid!
- What the fuck?
- [crying]
You go. Oh, it's you.
[crying] Yeah, okay. I can't go on Segway rides
on the beach with that man, Erica.
And I can't kill him either
because Mr. Knight is like a town fixture,
and I would get caught, like, in five seconds.
And I can't go to prison. Look at my face.
I'm too pretty to go to prison!
- No one's killing anyone, okay?
Just get in the car and ditch that thing.
We're going to Mikayla's.
- Help me.
- Chop-chop! - [whimpers]
- Come on.
[thud] Stupid.
[cries]
- You're okay.
- [whines] - You're okay.
[sinister music]
♪ ♪
- That's too much. - I can't stress enough,
I can't stand when you dress up kids like--
- Look, look, look, look, look!
- [laughs]
- Hey, Isabella!
You look so different from the last time I saw you.
- Yeah, okay. Well, Mommy might be a while,
so I want you to head on in,
turn on the TV, and watch "The Irishman."
- Why can't I trick or treat with Arden?
- Well, Arden's mom is an emotional terrorist,
and her Botox is honestly a crime.
So you wanna get inside? - [sighs]
- All right. Love you.
- Sure about that?
- Excuse me? - Love you.
- [laughs]
That was a fake smile.
- Okay, which one's Shamrock's? - Upstairs.
You guys sure you wanna do this?
He's really expensive.
- I mean, he's legit, right? - [laughs]
You think I would be taken by a mystic?
- Yes. - Yeah.
- Really? - Absolutely.
- Hidey ho, fuckerinos.
- Oh, Limpy. - Oh, shit.
We left Josh at the lot.
We're sorry. - No, it's all good,
although I did almost turn into a human s'more,
so that was kind of weird.
By the way, Mercedes runs great.
- Aah! Sports. - For me anyway. [laughs]
- How did you even find us?
- Andy's Instagram.
- What? - You're live right now.
- No, I'm not. - You sure are.
- [gasps] Oh, my gosh, I am.
Oh. Well, only four followers.
I should have at least nine.
- You're worried about nine followers?
That's not even double digits.
Let's go up the stairs. - Okay. [laughs]
Hey, guys. Going upstairs.
Sorry about the butt-dial. [laughs]
- ♪ Informer, ya no say ♪
♪ Daddy me Snow me, I go blame ♪
♪ A licky boom boom dem ♪
♪ 'Tective man a say, say daddy me Snow me ♪
[knock at door]
- You've got the wrong Shamrock!
- ♪ Ya no say, daddy me Snow me, I go blame ♪
- It's me!
- ♪ 'Tective man a say, say daddy me Snow me ♪
- Me.
I'm me.
- ♪ You better listen for me now ♪
♪ Listen for me, you better listen for me now ♪
♪ When-a me rock-a the microphone ♪
♪ Me rock on steady-a ♪
♪ Yes a daddy me, Snow me are de article don ♪
♪ But the in an a-out a dance an they say ♪
♪ Where you come from-a? ♪
♪ People dem say ya come from Jamaica ♪
♪ But me born an' raised in the ghetto ♪
- It's not Shamrock. I'm a ghost!
Mikayla! [laughs]
Great to see you.
I'm not a ghost.
[laughs]
She told you what?
- You guys don't have to murder anyone.
[everyone sighs] - I'm slightly more relieved.
- Whew. - [laughs]
- That's cute.
You guys are in the right place.
Okay? Because I'm pretty dialed-in
to the spirit realm.
And I don't wanna get, like, all HJO on you.
Haley Joel Osment.
But entities,
they fuck with Shamrock.
You know whose ghost sat over there last week?
Take a guess. - Guess?
- Gandhi? - No.
- Is it Lucille Ball? - What did you say?
- Was it Lucille Ball? - No.
- The Gerber baby?
- Joe DiMaggio. - Oh.
- Who? - Joe DiMaggio.
- Marilyn Manson's husband.
- Marilyn Monroe. - Baseball.
- Anyway, this sounds like what we in the metaphysical field
call "a real fuckup." - Okay.
- So here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna conjure the demon. - Mm-hmm.
- We're gonna uncross your wires.
- Okay. - And we're gonna send her
straight back to hell.
That sound groovy? - Sounds so groovy.
- So groovy. - It's groo-vay.
- All right, so here's what I'm gonna need.
I'm gonna need the book
and one of your Venmos.
- Okay. - And in the For line,
don't put anything specific and just put, like,
a random emoji or something 'cause I don't want Venmo
coming back at me with, like, a business fee.
[spooky music]
- Anastasia?
Anastasia, if you can hear me,
send us a sign.
[knocks] - [gasps]
both: Oh.
- Anastasia?
Anastasia, is that you?
Knock once for yes and twice for no.
[knocks] - [gasps]
- Okay.
Listen, we're not gonna take up
too much of your time.
I know it's crazy busy down there
in your realm, especially on Halloween.
So just tell us,
was it you who delivered this book?
[knocks]
- Oh, my God. - Whoa.
Well, okay.
And was it your intention for these four souls
to be its recipient?
[knocks] - Aah!
- Okay, Shamrock, we see what you're doing.
- Shh! Eyes closed.
She said it wasn't for you. That's good news.
- No, it's not, and we're out $1,500.
- Okay, you know what? I don't even usually take
walk-ins, and I'm only doing this
'cause Mikayla's a friend.
- No, no, no, no. I am so sorry.
Do you guys wanna do this or not?
- Yes, we do. - Okay.
- [sighs] - Let's get into it.
Shamrock, they're sorry.
Stacy, you're still here, right?
[clattering]
Okay, well, let's get back into it.
Sham?
[eerie music]
- That wasn't me.
- What?
- We have a visitor.
♪ ♪
- My hair.
- Um, what the fuck?
- Okay, demon.
It's time to-- [gasps]
- Aah!
♪ ♪
Aah.
- [delicately] Shammy?
You-- - Aah!
- [as demon] Felicem vesperam sanctam.
[all screaming]
- You bitches are so fucked.
- We never should've played that fucking game!
- Core Three for life, huh?
- Core Three and Josh.
- What the fuck do you want from us?
- ♪ Erica and Fischbein sittin' in a tree ♪
- Okay, you need to take several seats.
Okay, you leave her alone. - Or what?
You're gonna make me a mean ticky-tocky?
I bet Mr. Knight likes having his toes sucked.
- [whimpers] - Mm-mm, Stacy,
you leave him alone.
- Mrs. Joey Fatone.
Mega-mansion, huh?
- Yes.
- Actually sounds pretty nice.
- Honestly, it doesn't sound that bad.
But you shut up. You shut up!
- Yeah, man. Shut the fuck up!
- Well, if it isn't the virgin!
- [chuckles] All right.
This guy's obviously a scam artist,
'cause I fuck puss all the time and we all know it.
[laughs] - Puss?
- You're gonna die today, incel boy.
- [choking] [all screaming]
I've definitely had sex, though!
[all exclaiming]
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- [rasping]
- God, that's loud and stinky.
Shamrock? Sham, are you--are you okay?
Are you yourself?
Shammy? Shamrock?
Is that you? You okay?
[suspenseful music]
- Did...
- Yeah? - Yeah?
- [gulps]
The Venmo go through?
Guys, I said use an emoji.
- He's sensitive.
- [sobbing]
[sniffling]
[soft dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- Hey, Josh. It's okay. We knew.
- You did?
- Definitely. - Yeah.
- Look, for the record, I'm not an incel.
All right?
I'm just involuntarily celibate.
Okay, yeah. That's what an incel is.
- Heard it out loud. - You get it.
- Yeah. - Okay.
- Guys, I--
I can't die a virgin.
- [inhales deeply] Okay.
I will take one for the team.
I will give you one, two minutes--
- I don't want a pity hump.
I want the real thing, you know?
I want to live.
I want to be loved.
I want to be held.
I want to do reiki on a beach somewhere.
- What?
- So help me God, if I had a M.A.S.H. wife--
[sniffles]
I would kill the shit out of that bitch.
- Aw, so sweet. - [sniffles]
But I guess even in my own fantasies,
I'm still destined to be alone, huh?
- Yeah.
- Okay, is no one gonna say it? - Say what?
- Okay, I guess I'll say it.
[chuckles] - What?
- Erica, you have to kill Fischbein.
- Yeah. - What?
- Yeah. - I can't do it.
I was valedictorian! - So?
The Unabomber went to Harvard. What's your point?
- Did he really? He must've been legacy or something.
- Super sure. - He was really smart.
- Okay, I'm not a murderer, okay, Andy?
I'm not gonna do it. We just need to re-group
and make some flowcharts or something.
- Flowch--what? It's a demon curse, Erica!
You're not just gonna make some Microsoft Excel
and get rid of it, okay?
And no one's gonna, like, fucking miss
or even question the disappearance
of Jeremy Fischbein, okay?
The guy had no goals, no ambition,
he's boring, so dull, and so, like, ugh!
- Not to mention he's a shit driver, am I right?
- [chuckles]
- Also, you would literally be saving my life,
so that would be pretty fucking sweet.
- Okay, fine. I'll do it.
I'll whack off Fischbein tonight at Camp Wanabangme.
- Yes. - Okay, are you happy?
- No, not whack him off. It's just, like, whack him.
- I've always said that.
- Whacking off is, like... - Don't listen to them.
- You know, when you, like--
- In our house, it's whack off.
[tense music]
♪ ♪
[Train's "Drops of Jupiter"]
- You know, when I saw your message in the app,
I was like, "Okay, what'd she leave in my backseat?
Wallet or keys?"
- [laughs]
- And then when you're like,
"Oh, actually I'm single. Let's hang out."
I was like, "Okay, heck yeah." [chuckles]
- Guess I've just been waiting for this moment
since I saw that sweet Austin Powers impression
when we were in seventh grade.
- Yeah, I still dabble in impressions, actually.
- Really? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- Can I see one?
- Yeah, yeah, like uh...
Werner Herzog was looking at this plate, he'd be like,
[like Werner Herzog] Cheese is the symbol
of man's dominance over the dairy animals.
- [laughs]
- Or I usually do Sam Elliott hosting "RuPaul's Drag Race."
- Okay.
- [like Sam Elliott] Bring back my hogs.
For today's maxi challenge,
you gotta dress up all these little piggies
like they're hitting Studio 54.
- [laughing]
So wait, all the "Drag Race" contestants are all--
- They're hogs. - [normally] Hogs? Yeah.
- [like Sam Elliott] They're gonna be a great bacon one day.
- [laughing]
- Look at me. You're a beautiful hog.
Don't let anyone take that away from you.
- [laughs]
- [normally] Anyway, uh, to your health.
- And to yours.
[jazz music]
♪ ♪
[coughs]
Um, I got a ride.
- Yeah, all right.
- [sighs] [shovel scraping]
[suspenseful music]
[panting] Oh, God.
[groans]
- Uh, you sound really out-of-shape.
- Oh, God. I'm gonna throw up. - Yeah.
- Oh, boy. [heaves]
- Ugh, you okay? - Oh yeah, I'm all right.
[heaves] - Oh, God. No.
- [groans] Just so we're clear...
I did that so we don't go to jail,
not because of my M.A.S.H fate...
as a gravedigger.
- Of course not, but you are freakishly good at it.
- Well, thank you.
- It wasn't a compliment. It's a disgusting job.
- All right.
- So when you're done with that,
put the shovel over there by cabin 69.
[chuckles] 69.
That's where we told Erica we would be
and we're gonna hide over there
where Mikayla's pissing in the bushes where we're gonna hide!
[liquid splatters] Mikayla!
[soft sultry music]
- I don't plan of Lyfting forever, of course.
- You have some larger aspirations?
- Yeah, I mean, doesn't everybody?
I'm trying to open up my own artisanal cheese shop,
Fischbein Farms.
I've been studying up on how to age everything
from gouda to gruyere.
[chuckles]
Luckily, my parents are letting me stay for a while.
I'm in savings mode.
And I just-- I really love my parents.
- Wow, so you're gonna be a cheesemonger?
- Uh, we prefer curd nerd. [laughter]
I saw that on the internet. - [laughs]
Man, I'm, like, killing it tonight.
- Mm!
- How's that chevre tasting?
- Honestly, I could bathe in this.
Where's it from?
- Not where, who.
- Hmm?
- Come on. I'll show you the shack.
- The--the what? [goat bleats]
- I built it just for her.
Henrietta, meet my friend Erica.
[Henrietta bleats]
- Oh, my God. Jeremy, she's adorable.
- Yeah, she is.
You're a hell of a dairy goat, too, aren't ya?
You wouldn't know it looking at her,
but she was actually the runt of her litter.
Guess that's why I like her so much.
I'm kind of a runt, too.
[soft dramatic music]
[Henrietta bleats loudly]
Oh, my God. - What? What's wrong?
[Henrietta bleats]
- Um, she's early.
- Early for what? [Henrietta bleats]
- Get in here quick. - Why?
- We're having a kid.
- Kid? [Henrietta bleats]
- Oh, what's taking her so long?
- I don't know. It's hard to seduce people.
- Never send a blond to do a gay man's job.
- What? - What?
- Wait, you're gay? - Oh, come on.
- What? - Is he gay?
- Shut up, Josh.
- I didn't--I don't know.
I don't make assumptions like that.
- Honestly pretty progressive. - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
[Henrietta bleats]
- My God, so little.
- Dang, mommy!
Check you out, bottle-feeding.
I'm calling you for future litters.
- [laughs] Future litters?
- Come on. I can't have just one kid.
The plan is a hundred.
[soft dramatic music]
- Um, you know what?
Maybe mama and baby need to relax, bond.
Maybe get a change of scenery?
- Um, sure.
Um, what were you thinking?
Axe-throwing bar, something?
- What about Camp Wanabango?
[suspenseful music]
- Hell yeah.
♪ ♪
- [chuckling] - You look like Jigglypuff.
- I'm Ariana Grande. - You do look like
a Jigglypuff Grande. - [sighs]
- Yeah, look at his little curl.
You're Jigglypuff. - I'm--
Oh-- [shushing] Here she comes.
- For a spot we all used to party at,
this place has super dark vibes, right?
- Yeah. - [chuckles]
Paging Jason Voorhees. - [laughs]
That's silly. - Yeah.
- [barely audible] Good luck.
- Man, I-I feel like such an A-hole
for not asking you why you were home in the first place.
- Oh, uh, that's okay.
Um, I was here for a job interview,
um, but I didn't get it.
The boss ended up giving it to her asshole cousin,
Lenny, who's still waiting for his...
frontal lobe to develop.
- Oh.
- [barely audible] It's go time.
- Well, Lenny sounds like a douche canoe.
- [laughs] Oh, that's--
y-you don't think he deserved it?
- What the fuck is she doing?
- The CEO's cousin? Yeah, he earned it about
as much as I earned my Peyronie's disease.
If this lady can't see your brilliance,
then she's just as moronic as the dude she promoted.
- That is so nice to hear.
- You were always so insanely talented.
I mean, you won, like, every art show in school.
[tender music]
God, I had such a crush on you when we were kids.
- I had a crush on you.
♪ ♪
- [whispering loudly] Even this firecrotch is getting ass?
Unbelievable.
- Did you hear that? - Um, I think that was an owl.
N--um-- - Hoo-hoot.
- No, no, Jeremy, ah, I wouldn't, um--
- Hoot. - I wouldn't go over there.
Owls are very territorial.
Shit.
- What the--
- Hoot. - Oh, God.
- Oh.
- What--
is this some kind of prank or something?
- What? I didn't even know you guys still hung out here.
That's so fuckin' crazy. That's fun.
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.
- What is this, uh, a brewski session?
Huh? Fuckin' pass one.
[overlapping chatter] - Whoo!
- Yeah, brewski times!
- Oh, yum.
- That can is clearly old and full of dirt.
- [coughs]
- So you lured me here on a date
to--to Camp Wanabangme,
to Cabin 69,
as a prank?
- No, this is--this is just a crazy, crazy coincidence.
- No, the first two times was a coincidence.
This--
this is mean.
Are you even single? Mikayla, is she single?
- Ooh, ah, that's a-- that's a tricky question.
- Man, I--I feel like such an idiot.
I really thought I had a chance with Erica Greenspan.
Cool joke, though. - No, no, no.
No, I'm--I'm so s--no, no. [spluttering]
What if we're meant to be together?
Jeremy, what if I want to live in a shack
with you and have 100 kids?
- Well, congratulations.
You just had your first fight as a future couple
since you couldn't end the game!
- I'm sorry I couldn't kill him.
He's fucking nice.
And he's got dreams, and he's a sweetheart.
- Oh, he's charming?
Oh, he's fucking Prince Charming.
Come on, Erica!
It's fucking Fischbein!
And you made a promise.
You're such a bad friend.
- [scoffs] Really?
Okay, I'm--I'm sorry, when did murder
become the metric of true friendship?
- Mikayla, back me up.
- Hm.
- Oh, my God. - What?
- Oh, my God!
You're glad she didn't finish the game, aren't you?
- What? No.
I mean, it's just...
I'm kind of psyched about my fate.
You know, it would be awesome to win Hell in a Cell,
marry up, and honestly,
these are growing on me.
- See? I'm not a bad friend.
- Oh, my God, what did you think was gonna happen?
You were gonna get that job,
and you were gonna move back into town,
and it's gonna be like 2002
with the Core Three! Core Three!
Lolz, "Pimp My Ride!"
- I never said shit about "Pimp My Ride."
- Okay, what'd you think?
We were gonna hang out every day?
What would we talk about?
The King of Farts? - Ah, Paul Dudley!
- Oh, shut the fuck up, Josh!
- That guy rocks, Andy!
- Erica, you have been MIA for a long time.
- Okay, I'm--I'm sorry I moved to New York.
Okay? But here's a question.
When was the last time any of you checked on me, hmm?
I'm not gonna lord that over you, though, because I care
about this friendship and I want it to work.
In fact, I'm the only one who keeps that text thread movin'.
- [laughs]
- Sorry, what text thread?
- [laughing] Yeah, you're the only one keeping
that text thread alive...
- Yeah. - With your cringey memes!
What do we call her, Mikayla?
- We don't have to do this, Andy.
- Tell her. - We don't have to do this.
- Tell her. - No, no, no.
I'm curious.
What do you call me?
- We call you...
the Memelord.
And we have a sidebar text thread
talking about how cringey yours are.
- [scoffs]
- Okay, so I'm not in either one of the text threads?
all: Shut the fuck up, Josh!
- This isn't about you!
- Yeah, of course it isn't!
It's never about old Josh, is it?
I mean, I'm the one that's set to die
now that Fisch isn't, right?
- Hopefully. - But whatever.
Let's just talk about anything else first.
Huh?
You guys have always treated me
like nothing more than an afterthought.
[twig snaps]
- What the hell was that?
[ominous music]
- Oh, my God, it's Mr. Knight.
What's he doing at Camp Wanabangme?
- Probably fucking an atlas. That guy's a creep.
I'm gonna save all our asses. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- You can thank me later, dildos.
- Mr. Leonard? - Pop quiz, fuckface!
[grunts]
- Oh! - Oh!
- Ah!
- [panting]
See? Was that so hard?
- I mean-- - It looked--
it looked difficult, yeah. - Really hard.
- But you made it look good.
- Thank you.
[all gasp] - Ah!
- [sighs]
That's a detention.
- [shrieks]
- Whoa! - Oh!
- Oh, I think big boy wants to tango, huh?
Hey! Oopsie.
- Ooh. - Oh, you know.
- [grunts] - Oops!
Nope! Try again.
- I'm trying to! - Oh!
That's sad. Upcha!
- This is getting hard to watch.
- Don't try to hit me. Hit me.
Oh! Andy, there are consequences for your actions.
Why won't you die!
- [gasps] - Oh!
- Oh, wow. - Oh, okay.
- Is he...
- [inhales sharply] - Oh!
- Ah! - [gasps]
- You're gonna do great, kid.
- Thank you.
[all sigh]
- Okay.
- Fill her up, Josh.
Shovel's in the grave.
- You should probably go check his pulse.
- Me? Don't send the Black one in first.
You go. - I wanna touch a dead body.
[dramatic musical flourish]
♪ ♪
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- Now that my car works,
I guess I'll see you all never.
- Sounds like a plan.
- I guess I'll cut my nails.
- Later, you fuckin' fucks!
- Later, babe.
Careful with my doors. Still leasing this.
Brand new Mercedes, so please-- - Huh, it's a lease?
- Yeah, it's a lease. [door slams]
You fucking bitch.
♪ ♪
[engine rumbling]
- My leg feels better. - That's good.
- Yeah, it's great. Fantastic.
- Trick or treat. - Ben!
[both chuckle]
[squeaks]
- I went through so many In N' Out wrappers
I think I learned a Bible verse.
But the only thing I wanted off the secret menu was you.
- Sick line, brah. Sick line.
Oh, and don't worry about that hickey.
It's strictly platonic.
- That's my brother.
Get out of here.
- Not gonna ask.
Can't believe you're letting us drink red over a couch.
- [chuckles] - Must have really missed me.
[phone buzzes] Oh, crap.
- What? - Work stuff.
- What? - Huh.
There's been an uprising in Nicaragua.
They need me on the next flight to Quito.
- Come on, you just got here.
- I know, right?
But it's work.
You get it.
Last thing I need is a "Lenny"
trying to steal my thunder, you know?
- [sighs] I totally get it. Okay.
I'm just so fucking relieved
we still have a future together.
- Why wouldn't we?
- No reason.
[snake hissing]
Jason Momoa!
- What? - Um, uh--
you look just like Jason Momoa.
That's so crazy I just thought of it.
You must get that all the time.
People must confuse you-- whoa, that's so crazy.
So you need to get on that flight to Quito.
Have a great uprising. - Okay.
- You need to get your ass on that plane.
- Well, I-- - Okay, and we'll just circle
back when we're both in Brooklyn, okay?
- Yeah. Wow.
Thanks-thanks for understanding.
- Circling back, babe. Love you.
[pants] Why is it still here?
Lizzie said this would be over
like it was for her and her friend.
Okay?
Her friend. Oh, my God.
Uh, N-Nicky.
Nicky Evans, Ventura.
[upbeat party music]
♪ ♪
- Babe!
- Babe. - You came through.
Praise Jesus. [both chuckle]
- Of course. I wouldn't miss it.
- Okay, well, bathroom's that way,
because this ain't it.
But then we have so many people to meet.
God, I swear, Andy,
once you start training us for free,
you'll totes get that follower count up, henny.
- Wait, for, uh, free? What?
- [squeals] Okay, wait. My boyfriend is on his way.
How's our ass? - Yeah, it looks
oh, so fat. [both laugh]
Girl, see ya later.
[gasps, screams]
- We've been following you, Andy Leonard.
- Okay. [chuckles]
Candace's friends, right?
Oh, yes. "Handmaid's Tale." Love it.
What's your handle? I'll follow you girls too.
Okay, we're walking. Okay.
♪ ♪
- I wanted to trick or treat.
- Yeah, yeah, I know, baby.
But this is--this is way better.
Damn, this place is nice.
Oh, shit. I hope he still likes me.
- That guy? Why wouldn't he like you?
- Well, because we broke the-- [gasps] Oh.
- Whoopsies. [chuckles]
You know what that means, right?
You fall in love with the first man
you lay eyes on. Me.
Joey Fatone.
- So are we, like, still a thing?
- Baby, no one can resist Cupid's arrow.
Yow! - Oh. [chuckles]
Don't look at that.
- They don't call me "fat one" for nothing.
- Oh, my God. Come on, come on.
- Okay. That's a pretty normal house.
Holy shit.
- And then there's my best friend, Nicky Evans.
Killing Howie saved Nicky's life.
Unless you've seen a lumberjack with triplets
tooling around in a monster truck?
- That better be a boat.
Oh. Shit. That's not good.
Monster truck, triplets.
If this guy is a lumberjack, I'm gonna fucking--
[screams] - Hey, Jesus.
- [gasps] - This is private property.
- Nicky Evans? - Yeah, who's asking?
- My friends and I played this, too.
So I don't fucking understand
how this is possible because Lizzie said that--
- Wait.
My girls and their mother will be home soon.
Why don't you come join me in the mouth of hell?
[dramatic musical sting]
- Oh. That's the name of your monster truck.
- Yeah, what'd you think I meant?
- I, um--it felt-- it felt ominous.
- Oh, no, it's just the name of the truck.
Come on. - Okay.
You just parkour into this or what?
- No, no, I got a ladder. They supply a ladder.
When you get a monster truck, they give you a ladder.
- [sighs] - The curse was never broken.
- What do you mean the curse was never broken?
Lizzie lives in the nuthouse, not a shack.
- The State Hospital and Asylum for Convicted Killers?
Are you familiar with the word acronym?
- State Hosp--S-H-A-C-K. Oh, my God.
- You know, look, I know it's rough,
especially at first, but... [sighs]
Even though Stacy has her claws in you,
it's not a dead end.
I mean, my kids are great. I have a solid marriage.
You know, I mean, sure, it's virtually impossible
to parallel park this beast,
but at least nobody fucks with me on the 101
when I press the button. - What button?
- Oh, ho, ho. This button right here.
[chuckles] Watch this.
Oh.
- Oh, my God. You do that on the freeway?
- I do it on the freeway. I do it on side streets.
I'll do it in cul-de-sac, I don't give a shit.
Sometimes I'll do it in the Trader Joe's parking lot.
I mean, I'm gonna share something with you
that I probably shouldn't.
But it's true what they say about dudes and big trucks.
[laughs] I am completely compensating
for my too small-- - Oh, you don't need to...
- No, no, you didn't know what I was gonna say.
Let me finish. - Oh.
- I am completely compensating for my small penis.
- Okay, that's definitely what I thought you were gonna say.
- Oh, well, then I guess I didn't need to finish.
Anyway... [sighs]
- I just can't understand why Lizzie would lie to us.
I mean, doesn't she know all of your shit came true?
- Course she knows.
You know, I'm-- I'm pretty sure I told her.
- What?
- Well, I--I--look, Stacy
sets us off in very different directions, okay?
- You never told Lizzie?
- You think being a woodsman- girl dad three times over
gives you extra free time?
I mean, besides, I'm constantly in training
for the Paul Bunyan competition every year--
- Fuck the Paul Bunyan competition!
- Oh, that's easy to say when you're not a lumberjack!
- Lizzie was your best friend.
- Yeah, well, you know, we're...still pretty close.
- Yeah, the fuck you are.
The only joy she has in life
is thinking she saved yours.
When was the last time you took the 40 minutes
to drive and say hi?
- Oh, my God, I'm an asshole.
- You have to go see her.
Bring her some crayons. She has, like, two:
purple and black. - I can't.
Okay?
It would be too awkward,
and she would be so mad at me.
- Yeah, probably,
but avoiding conflict isn't friendship.
You're being a coward.
- Well, maybe I am a coward, all right?
- Oh, my God. Wow.
You don't need to do that. Jesus.
- Nicky Evans, the cowardly lumberj--jack.
- Oh, no.
- [weeps]
- You're okay.
- Here, hold this. - What?
You're gonna go pee-pee?
- Erica, I need you to do me a favor.
- What?
- I need you to push the button.
- Okay, I'm not gonna do that.
- Push the goddamn button! Push the button!
- I don't deserve the Golden Bunyan.
Push the button!
- I'm not gonna flambé your face, dude!
But I am gonna make things right with my friends.
Okay, and I think you should
grow some balls and do the same with Lizzie.
- My balls are fine.
It's my penis that's the issue.
- Oh, my God.
- I'm starting to regret
sharing that information with you.
- Welcome to my N'SYNC-tuary!
- Oh, my God.
- Look at these Moon Men.
- Yeah. Winning those bad boys
makes you feel like Neil Armstrong himself.
Hey, easy there, Tater Tot.
Those are gonna be in the Hard Rock Café one day.
- Isabella, you have to be respectful.
This is our chance to change our lives!
- Why would we wanna change our lives?
- Because I--because we-- uh...
don't you want this mansion?
Don't you want a stepdad
who's been on "The Masked Singer"?
Don't you want me to be the coolest mom in school?
- You're already the coolest.
- Oh, come on.
I can't compete with Arden's mom
and her gluten-free crostinis.
I pack Meatball Delites for you.
- Arden's mom's crostinis suck shit.
- Oh.
- It's why Arden throws them out.
She eats your sandwiches.
I share them with her.
Can we go trick-or-treating?
- Yes, baby. Let's go.
- Hey, wait. You can't go just yet.
Mikayla, listen.
Once you said you were coming,
I knew it wasn't just gonna be a Halloween party.
It's gonna be a wedding!
- [gasps]
- Wow, those nails are freaking nasty.
Zaddy like.
[eerie music]
♪ ♪
- [moaning and gasping]
- Oh, God! - Jesus Christ!
- Fart. You're an animal!
- You ever fucking knock? - Okay, look.
I don't wanna tell you this under these circumstances,
but look, I'm sorry
I didn't tell you I was coming home, okay?
And for always treating you like an afterthought
when the truth is, you've always been our fourth.
But the game is still on,
so I'm gonna need you to wash up, okay?
'Cause we're going to a party.
- Wait, you and me?
- Yes. - Tight.
- So you're gonna need to put on some pants.
All right, yeah. I'm just gonna make some coffee
'cause I'm super tired from digging graves
and jerking off all day.
- Okay, there's no time for that.
Drink this. - All right. Oh!
- Good catch with all that lube.
Okay, chop, chop.
Wash your dick.
- 10,000 followers, here I come.
Ow!
- We are the Students of the Knight's Order.
[dramatic music]
- Ah, and you're all...naked.
[laughs] I had no idea
that Mr. Knight's adult study group
was so, um, adult.
- It's his no longer.
He who vanquishes
the Great Knight on All Hallow's Eve
fulfills the divine prophecy,
and you did, back at the campground.
You're our leader now.
- Oh, fuck me.
- With pleasure.
The new Knight has ordered the bacchanal.
- No, I ordered nothing.
- Take me, Andy.
Take me and brand my ball sack.
- [screaming]
[pop Halloween music playing]
♪ ♪
- Now I'm ready to trick-or-treat.
♪ ♪
both: What are you doing here?
- Doesn't matter. The game never--
- Never ended? Yeah, I figured that out
when fucking NXIVM showed up.
- Hey.
- Oh, no. Turn around, Brad.
- Wait, I need to say something.
Okay?
You guys are right.
I mean,
we've all changed a ton,
and we don't have what we used to,
and we never will again,
- Oh, wow, that's really nice. - That was rude.
- We were codependent little freaks growing up.
We spent every minute together.
That shit's not sustainable.
I wanted to see everything was the same,
because if it was, it means I didn't miss anything,
and I wasn't a bad friend.
But I was.
Whatever my future holds,
I need you guys in it.
- Yeah?
- I'm sorry.
- No, I'm sorry.
I--I've been a huge,
veiny, throbbing, oozing dick
about the whole kill-Fischbein thing,
calling you a memelord,
and Mikayla, I'm so sorry
that I pushed you away all those years.
- No, no, no, I'm so sorry
I made fun of you and your friends!
- Oh, those users are not my friends.
- Aw.
- I'm just a tiny little toxic man.
- Yeah.
I protect my heart by wrapping it in barbed wire,
but the truth is,
truth is, those barbs cut both ways.
- Well, that's how barbed wire works, but...
Barbed wire's... [murmurs] Is that sharp.
- I may have never fucked a chick before...
- Oh...
- But I sure do fucks with you guys, you know?
- [murmurs]
- Hold me. - No, no, you stay there.
- You're probably right. I'll just stand here.
- You guys,
whenever your mansions or apartments need plumbing,
I'm your bitch.
- Aww. - Thanks, bitch.
- Also, guys,
SummerSlam happens every summer!
So you guys are VIP to the square ring.
- Dude, I am so down...
you know, until I, you know, die,
'cause that's gonna happen still.
- That's a bummer. - Yeah.
- What the shit is that?
Excuse me. - What?
- ♪ I like the way you do that right there ♪
- 'Sup, Ben?
- Erica! You're here!
[clears throat] You're here!
- Baby, who the hell is this?
- Uh, I'm Ben's girlfriend. Who the hell are you?
- Uh, Candace Nicaragua.
From TikTok? - Boo.
- We matched on Raya, like, a year ago.
- So this was the flight you had to catch to Nicaragua.
Oh, my God.
You didn't come out here to celebrate me.
Every time you're busy or you have "work" in LA,
you're just "in Nicaragua"?
- No, he's in LA, fucking me.
- That's what I meant, bitch.
- [laughs] - Okay, Erica,
I actually do come here for shoots,
and I'm flying out to Quito in an hour.
- Oh, yeah? Well, Quito is in Ecuador.
- Yeah, and cheaters get choke-slammed!
♪ ♪
- Andy, you're seriously with these musty old bitches?
- Hey, I will never apologize for my friends
or the fact that I like succulents and skinny jeans,
and I remember exactly where I was on 9/11.
I was at the orthodontist,
because I remember asking
for red, white, and blue rubber bands
because it was really sad!
Okay? And I don't care!
I'm Andy goddamn Leonard,
and I was born in 1990,
and I'm ch-ch-cheugy!
And I love it!
- So gross.
- Shut the fuck up!
- Yeah, I'm gonna die soon-- - Don't touch me.
- Okay, that's fair.
- I'm gonna dedicate this next song
to a very, very special woman.
Mikayla Sanders,
this one's for you.
- ♪ You're all I ever wanted ♪
- Wait, wait, wait. This is our song
from the Fall Lip Sync.
This isn't his song!
- Joseph Anthony Fatone,
you stop playing that right now!
- No way. I love you!
[all cheer]
- You know what? Fuck it.
It's Core Four time.
- Core Four? You just make that up?
- Rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?
Heads up.
- ♪ It's hard to say I'm sorry ♪
♪ It's hard to make the things I did undone ♪
♪ A lesson I've learned too well for sure ♪
[all vocalizing]
♪ So don't hang up the phone now ♪
♪ I'm trying to figure out just what to do ♪
- [laughs] That's my girl.
- ♪ Without you ♪
♪ You're all I ever wanted ♪
♪ You're all I ever needed, yeah ♪
- [coughing]
- ♪ When I want you back ♪
- Josh, are you okay?
Oh, my God, the energy drink.
Is this what kills you? - [retches]
[all gasp]
- The curse! It's breaking!
- "The key is in what friendship takes."
That wasn't about Stacy Friendship.
- It was about our friendship!
- Oh, my God. We have to keep dancing.
- We do?
- We got this. - Okay.
♪ ♪
- ♪ You're all I ever wanted ♪
♪ You're all I ever needed ♪
- Even when she pukes, she's hot.
- ♪ So tell me what to do now ♪
♪ When I want you back ♪
[dramatic music]
- Holy fuck!
That shit was inside of us?
♪ ♪
- [distorted] No!
You bitches are supposed to be finished!
[heroic music]
- Game over, bitch.
- Game over, bitch!
- That's enough. - Okay.
- ♪ When I want ♪
♪ You back ♪
[cell phone chiming]
- [groans]
- October 31st.
- Mm. God Oh, God.
Either I slept weird, or I am super sore
from choke-slamming your boyfriend through a table.
Agh.
Ugh. - Mikayla, your nails.
- What? Oh!
No more world record?
- The book. - What?
- It's gone. - What?
- And the snake, which means...
- Oh, my God. - Josh!
Josh. - [starts]
[all scream]
- Holy shit. I'm alive.
Oh, my God. - Yeah!
- I'm gonna live. I'm gonna live!
I'm gonna live!
You there! Boy in the blue!
What day is this?
- Fuck you, old man!
- All right.
- Dick bitch ass.
- You know, guys, I gotta tell you,
in hindsight, that was pretty fucking fun.
- No. Josh, what the fuck?
- Oh, wow.
The whole N'SYNC posse is in the hizzie.
[scats]
- Ooh, wow.
Your memory's sick, bro!
- Please.
You used to play that album so much,
you practically beat me over the head with it.
[all laugh] - 'Cause--'cause you...
- Only figuratively, though.
- [laughs] Huh?
- Happy Halloween!
- Uh...
- [deeply] The all-in-one Theranos blood test.
[normally] But in all seriousness, you guys,
I actually do have some pretty big news.
- It's-a me, Mario!
What's wrong?
Her cousin?
Jesus. Really?
Well, who knows?
Maybe he deserved it.
- Wait, what?
You're not supposed to say that.
Are you on Raya?
- Uh...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, babe!
Don't get all psycho.
- Have fun with Candace, shithead.
She's, like, 18
and is gonna leave your ass for an MMA fighter.
Oh, and by the way, I got that job,
and it pays great,
so when I move back to LA without you,
I'm not gonna have to live in a rickety-ass shack.
Bye, Brooklyn!
- So her name's Claire, and she's a doctor.
- Ooh! - Ooh, Claire!
- Dr. Claire.
- It's only been our first sesh,
but I gotta tell you guys, Talkspace nailed it.
She, uh, said I have some pretty severe issues
and I'm pretty mentally disturbed,
so...she gets me.
- [laughs] - Wow.
Look at you, working on yourself.
- Thank you. - Where can I find a guy like--
that does that?
- Listen, it takes time.
The dudes will come.
Listen, my dude went a little cuckoo last night,
but I'm not worried. Okay, watch this.
Hey, Joey Fatone, send me a dick pic.
- Mm. [message whoosh]
- Ooh, instantaneous.
Ooh! - And huge.
- Oh, yes. - Can I see?
Can I see? Can I see?
- God did spend a little more time on him.
Ooh! - Oh, my God.
all: Hey!
- Which house do you wanna go to next?
- That one! - Yes!
- Trick or treat!
- Oh, hey. - Here you go.
- Thanks. - Wait.
Is that... - Wow.
A full-size candy bar.
I knew this place was cool.
- Hon. - Yeah.
Hey.
- Are those randoms, or do we know them?
- I don't know.
Oh, they were out of blood, so I just got us red.
- Good idea.
- I gotta get more candy.
- Well, go get it, girl!
- Okay, I'm off. Wish me luck.
- You don't need luck.
I rubbed my romance stone before I left.
- Oh, no, is that-- - Yes, that is what
I call my vagina. - Yeah, no, I figured.
- Yeah. - Well, thanks, Mikayla.
Your sister's about to get Fischbeined!
- Nice.
- Ew. - Ew!
[sentimental music]
♪ ♪
- Happy Halloween, Fischbein!
- Erica?
Erica Greenspan.
Oh, my God.
This is--this is so crazy.
- I'm sure it is.
- No, I--I mean,
we were literally just talking about you.
- We?
- Guys,
you will never believe who's here.
- Wow, what's up?
- Yeah, the Fischtank's hanging out
for the first time in ages.
Marcus, AJ, and you remember Paul Dudley.
- Oh, yeah-- - [breaks wind]
- There it is. - Greetings, wifey.
- What did you just call me?
- Uh, this is so lame.
- Paul downloaded this game on my phone.
We've been fucking around with it.
Apparently, you two are gonna get hitched.
- What game?
- Yeah, he's gonna be the president,
and you're gonna be the first lady.
Hope the White House has room for octuplets.
- Never pulling out.
- [screams]
- ♪ Let's kill tonight ♪
♪ Kill tonight ♪