[audience cheering and applauding]
Downloaded from YTS.MX
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
[helicopter whirrs]
Thank you guys very much. Thank you for being here.
Thanks for coming to my house. You guys feeling good?
-[audience] Yeah! -[person whoops]
Good to see you, everybody. I'm Dane Cook.
Thanks for being here tonight. This is--
[audience applauding and cheering]
This is, uh, this is my house.
This is, uh, my actual house. I know some of you guys are like,
-"That's not his fucking house." -[audience laughs]
But this is my house. Good Luck Chuckdid very well.
-That's all I'm gonna say, okay? -[audience laughs]
Yeah, fuck Rotten Tomatoes. This shit bought me a house.
-[audience cheers] -I know.
Thirty-five percent splat?
No, 35% mortgage paid. Trust me.
-[audience whooping] -It's--
[Dane chuckles]
Before we keep going, anybody have any questions
about what's happening right now? What are your names?
-[man] Robert. -Robert and...
-[woman] Diana. -Robert and Diana?
-How long you guys been together? -Over a year.
-[Dane] Over a year, yeah? -Two years.
[Dane] Or two years, he said... [laughs]
-[audience laughs] -He said over... [laughs]
That's kind of a wide-- You missed, you know.
A year, two years. Let's just call five years.
Did you guys meet in real life? Did you meet through some kind of online situation?
Talk to me. You're at my house. Let's just--
-We met in real life. -You met in real life?
And did you get it, like, when you met him,
a thing happens with women that I've-- I, I'm trying to understand, like,
uh, like you kind of know, there's some,
I don't know what if it's, uh, what is it like, pheromones,
-or does like your pussy tingle? -[audience laughs]
-Did it like buzz in your panties? -Yes, butterflies flew out.
Right? You kind of-- Butterflies came out of your vagina.
[audience laughs]
[laughs]
Right? Did you just-- You knew, knew something right away,
like, "Wow, I wanna, I wanna hang with this guy." Yeah?
And so, how's it been? You can be honest.
Let's figure it out right now, okay? You're either leaving together...
[laughs]
-Yeah, been great? -Yeah.
-Yes. -Yeah? Okay.
So here's what I want to ask you guys.
And you've got to be honest for all of us tonight.
This is an evening about, uh, truths, okay?
Uh, you fight from time to time?
-[Diana] Yes. -Let's talk about that.
[audience laughs]
Let's talk about that.
And when you fight, uh... [sighs heavily]
...your fights escalate?
Or do they stay pretty, like even keel, where it's just kind of, like...
-[ridiculed teasing] -That's me.
Right? But is it, you know, sometimes, you get like, uh...
I got a neighbor, like, right over here.
-And, man, she's a bitch. -[audience laughs]
She's probably listening to the show right now. "You're loud!"
She's always fucking yapping. She just wants to out yell.
I didn't even invite her to the show.
[audience laughs]
I'm kidding. I'll bring you a meringue!
[audience applauding]
[Dane laughs]
So I've been dealing with a stalker.
[coughs] Eh, it was legit, okay.
I don't-- I cannot even fathom how I found myself
in this situation, but I did.
I started getting, about a year ago, thousands of, uh, DMs on Instagram.
You know, DMs? Your direct messages, it's like texts
that you can send to whoever allows them to be accessed.
And I always keep it open to my fans, and people write me stuff all the time.
I love it. Throw back a hello or whatever.
Every once in a while, I get stuff that's, uh, little off-kilter.
Somebody has a bleached asshole picture, and they send it to me
thinking I-- maybe that's what I'm in the mood for.
[audience laughs]
[laughs]
But I noticed about a year ago that I started getting, um,
thousands of messages from this one woman's account,
and when I really investigated, I, I was like, "Oh, wow."
I remember, I was sitting there, I was like, "well, she has sent me, uh, uh,
a message every minute of every day."
Every minute. Oh, look.
10:42 a.m.
"Where you at... [hoarsely] baby?"
[scattered laughter]
10:43 a.m.
"Been looking all over for you, baby."
You know, baby with, like, 15 As. That's "baaby," by the way.
But fuck it, that's not...
[chuckles]
And so, I would look, and then finally, it was like, you know, like,
4:14 a.m., she would be,
"Where the fuck are you, Dane Cook?"
[audience laughs]
"I'm looking for Dane Cook."
And they got increasingly more and more off-kilter. Strange.
So over the course of a couple of weeks, they got, uh,
then they were, like, all capital letters,
and then, it just turned into like
I couldn't even really make out what she was getting at.
And it just kept going on like rambles and rambles.
And I was sitting at lunch, uh, with a friend, and I finally said,
"You've got to see all these-- every minute," and my buddy goes,
"You-- she sent a video," and when I looked there, she sent me a video.
-And I was like, "I got to know." -[audience laughs]
You know, sometimes when you hit play on a video before it catches the Wi-Fi,
there's that moment where it's, it's gotta find the signal.
So whatever the video is, it's just frozen on one still.
It was her face, and she was like this.
[audience laughs]
And it just stayed like that for a second.
And I want to be, again, really straightforward about how I felt
about everything that I experienced.
When I saw this video,
-and I saw her face, she was very, very ugly. -[audience laughs]
She had a horribly ugly fucking face.
-She looked like a rock with makeup on. -[audience laughs]
And the video plays, and she's screaming and pacing.
She goes... [shouting] "Where the fuck are you, Dane Cook?
I want to know where Dane Cook is,
and why the fuck you won't call me back.
[through clenched teeth] You didn't fucking call me back, Dane Cook."
She's seething.
She's spitting onto the camera.
It's so fucking loud,
screaming wherever she was.
I know people must have been-- And she's,
[clenched screaming] "You didn't fucking call me!"
And then it ends.
[scattered laughter]
I'm sitting there. I almost, I was, like, I never had,
had anybody yell at me like this my whole life.
I never had anybody yell at me and scream at me like that.
It was so unsettling.
And as I was trying to really figure out
what would have made her so upset,
I looked down. She sent me another video.
And in the second video, she was crying, she was wiping tears.
[sobbing] "This isn't me.
This isn't me. This isn't us." She said that.
She said, "This isn't me. This isn't us."
[audience laughs]
And she just-- she was weeping.
And she looks so sad.
She looks so downtrodden, she's... [imitates sobbing]
It pulled you into that same level of emotion.
Right? I found myself-- You know what? I'm gonna cry a lot.
So the plane will go by. So it'll be a lot of crying. Wait till you watch this.
-[airplane whirring] -[fake weeping]
-[audience laughs] -[laughs]
I can just see Marty, my director.
He's going like this. And if I stretch,
let that fucking aircraft go by. [fake sobbing]
We'll just get some extra crying, we'll cut around, trust me.
[fake sobbing]
I did my best. I did my best.
That's a callback to Vicious Circle.
-That's for you, Marty. -[audience applauds]
Okay, the plane's gone.
Let's keep going.
Here we go.
Anyway, [shushes] shut up. Ready?
[audience laughs]
Do what you were doing before. Okay?
Get in that same mindset.
[chuckles lightly]
So... [chuckles]
She was very sad.
[audience laughs]
And that in turn, it made me emotional.
So, and she was crying so hard that I, I was almost mirroring.
But I didn't know. I was, like, I was watching like that. I'm not crying.
But something you know, I'm, like, I'm in it with her.
The video ends.
Eleven minutes later, she sends me another video,
-and fuck, yes, I'm playing it. -[audience laughs]
I need to know what, what emotion is next
on the seven levels of grief that I'm receiving.
[audience laughs]
When I hit play on the third video,
this woman who'd gone from being so irate, over-the-top furious anger
to then being so despondent and sullen and low,
in the third video, she was just staring...
...just staring, just staring into the cam-- Nothing!
No emotions. Staring and breathing like the-- [inhales and exhales]
And I'm watching and I'm staring. I'm, I'm breathing as well, I'm just--
-[quick short breaths] -[audience laughs]
And then she did something that I'll never not see.
I'll never get this image
out of my mind for the rest of my life.
She looked a little bit closer into the camera,
and her eyes went a little wide,
and then she ate almonds.
[audience laughs]
Oh, I watched the whole fucking video.
I was transfixed. I actually counted,
she put nine almonds.
-Nine almonds in her mouth, and then she never chewed. -[audience laughs]
Never chewed. I challenge you to go home tonight,
put nine goddamn almonds in your mouth and don't chew.
-What the fuck, lady? -[audience laughs]
[Dane chuckles lightly]
The, the video ends, and I, I didn't even know
where I'm at with this. I'm just like that,
"Wow. This is all, this is a very
[inhales] strange individual." But I wasn't scared.
Why wasn't I scared? Because part of me was like, you know,
I was little concerned, but I was like,
"Ah, she doesn't know where I am,
and who knows where she is in the world."
And then a week later, I get a video,
and she's scanning the LA skyline.
[audience laughs]
Scanning the whole skylight.
And then, she slowly turns to the camera,
and she goes like this, she goes "Getting close."
-[audience exclaims] -[woman] Oh, my God!
Yeah. And I said to the camera, "You fucking are.
You are getting close. I live here."
And then, everything switched up at that moment,
And, and that's when, I was, like, I'm being stalked.
I'm being hunted.
[scattered laughter]
I'm glad you can laugh, so...
-[audience laughs] -[chuckles]
I, I, I honestly, I was so screwed up by it.
And then, I remember a couple of nights later,
I, I had a night where I was just gonna come back to the place,
and, and I was gonna like, you know, I'm just gonna try to relax,
I'm, I'm not doing any shows locally tonight,
and I remember as I, I came up around the corner,
I was just about to go into my garage,
and then I see a car parked right in front of my house.
And I say out loud to myself, I go,
"That car doesn't belong in this neighborhood."
[scattered laughter]
"What is that, an 08?"
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
No! I knew it was her, and I was terrified.
So what did I do? I drove into my garage,
the fastest you can legally drive into your own garage.
And then I ran up into the house,
and I remember as I ran up,
I, I checked the DMs.
And she was already sending me messages from outside of the house.
She goes, like, "I saw you go in your fucking garage.
You need to come outside right now. Bring me a banana!"
[audience laughs]
Oh, yeah. Demanding fruit immediately.
This crazy ugly lady.
Then I have a camera at my front door, so I checked the screen.
When I checked, she was in the street,
and she was walking back and forth.
And she was staring up at my house,
like she wanted to fight my house.
[audience laughs]
So I'm... [sighs] I'm kerfuffle at this fuck,
I don't know.
You have to understand I've never had anything
like this happening for the rest of the night. I, I--
I was just so concerned, and I kept hoping she would just go away.
Every time I'd look out there, she was still there.
Midnight, she's still there,
and 2:00 in the morning, she's still there.
I'm in bed, I can't sleep.
I'm in the bed. I keep checking the DMs,
and finally, at 2:30 a.m., she sends me a video.
So I hit play, I turned it all the way down.
She's too close.
[audience laughs]
And she's standing at my front door.
She's standing with her back against my door,
and she looks into the camera, and she said, almost inaudible.
It was so... Just the slightest half of a whisper.
[whispering] "You made me do this."
[audience exclaims]
And then, she looked a little closer.
And she shaved her fucking eyebrows...
[audience groans]
...off.
Yeah, she went... [imitates trimmer]
[chuckles]
[audience laughs]
[laughs] Both eyebrows off.
Off. She looked like a fucking goose.
[audience laughs]
Yeah, like a heinous goose
at my door.
And I'm...
[sighs] I can't sleep.
I slept, like, a little bit, and when I woke, woke up,
I immediately looked at the camera, she's still outside.
We're gonna call this part of the story "day two."
[audience laughs]
Day two, she's out there all day.
And I'm, like, I, I, I didn't wanna leave.
All of day two,
my anxiety hits like, um... [exhales]
I never had anything like this since I was, maybe, like a kid.
I was really scared, and yet at the same time,
I was trying to keep myself busy.
Because I wanted to check the DMs I kept, like,
I just wanted to know, like, what her mindset was.
And so, I che-- And then, I finally had to leave the phone.
And just to go into another room to just,
you know, try to have a sandwich, or just,
you know, do something rudimentary.
And then every once in a while, I'd hear her outside go,
[harshly] "Check your DMs!"
[audience laughs]
Yeah, so I would check my DMs. And so would you.
If somebody bellowed, "Check your DMs," outside of your residence,
you'd check your DMs, yes.
[chuckles]
All of day two, she's out there.
Day three, I wake up.
Still there.
Called my friend, who's a LAPD officer for 25 years.
And I called him up, and I go, "Hey, man, uh, uh, this is, uh,
really disconcerting. I've never experienced anything like this.
He goes, "Hey, hey, hold on, Dane Cook, do this. Ready?"
He goes Dane Cook, "Send me everything that she has sent you.
Send me, uh, videos, screen captures, whatever it is, send it over."
So I did. I sent my cop friend
everything she'd send me.
Forty minutes later, he calls me back.
Before I can even say "Hello,"
he goes, "Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is serious, man."
-And I said, "I know. That's why I reached out to you." -[audience laughs]
"That was, that was my notion. You're corroborating my ideas.
I did the detective sleuthing on this end of the case. Copy?"
He goes, "No, no, you don't realize, man, this is really, really bad."
And I said, "Okay. [nervous chuckle] Well, it doesn't feel right.
But how do you know it's really, really bad?"
He goes, "How do I know?
-She shaved her fucking eyebrows is how I know." -[audience laughs]
"I've been on the force 30 years. Once they shave the eyebrows, that's it.
That's the last bastion of humanity, eyebrows.
You've got a gun?"
I said, "I don't have a gun." He goes, "You need a fucking gun, kid."
[audience laughs]
He goes, "You need a gun." And then now I'm freaked.
I'm, like, I didn't even know where to-- [fumbling] Like, how?
And I, so I said to him... [fumbling] I come, I go and then there's, uh, uh, like a permit,
and there's a, a waiting period.
He goes, "Hey, hey, hey, hey!
-Fuck all that." -[audience laughs]
"Get on the Internet, there's a ten-gauge shotgun
you can have delivered to your house in five and a half hours."
-[woman] Oh, my God! -Yeah, I was like, "Send me the link, Officer."
-[audience laughs] -[chuckles]
This is what he says. He goes, "Now listen."
He goes, "I want you to get this shotgun."
I'll never forget this. And he goes,
[sighs wearily] "I want you to follow my exact protocol
if you want this to go your way."
-To which I replied, "I would like for this to go my way." -[audience laughs]
"Can we just cover that aspect?
And maybe not even look at the part where this doesn't go my way?"
He goes, "Let's say, for the first scenario,
this woman, this strange lady gets up on your property from the front."
He goes, "I want you to do this, and I want you to do it exact.
Stand in the doorway about two and a half feet in with a shotgun,
and I want you to wait, and I want you to let her come towards you."
[man] Goddamn.
-Fuck, yeah. -[audience laughs]
-Fuck, no. -[audience laughs]
[chuckles nervously]
[clears throat]
I said, "What am I supposed to do in the interim?"
He goes, "If you forget everything else,
I just want you to remember one thing. Watch her feet,"
is what the cop says. "Watch her feet."
I said, "Okay, I, I'll do that, but why am I gonna--"
He goes, "It doesn't matter, just watch her feet.
Every single time her foot takes a step,
I just want you to watch the foot.
I don't care if she's doing crazy impersonations.
Whatever she's doing, whatever her antics are,
I want you to watch her feet. Every time a foot takes a step,
I want you to watch that the foot."
He goes, "Every time one of her feet touches one of the stairs on the porch,
watch the foot touch the step.
When she gets to the very top step of the porch,
I want you to shoot her and fucking kill her."
[man, aghast] What?
Yeah. And then he goes, "Are you listening?"
And I was like, "I am only fucking listening."
[audience laughs]
Am I listening? No. You're on speakerphone and making Eggs Benedict,
and I'm doing some salsa moves that I learned in eighth grade.
No, I'm fucking dialed in, officer. Shoot to kill.
Uh-huh. Copy.
He goes, "Now this is the important part, right after you shoot her,
before her body even hits the ground, Dane Cook,
I want you to cock the gun again,
and I want you to... [imitates gunshot]
...shoot into the ceiling.
I said, "Shoot my own ceiling?" He said, "Yes."
I go, "I'll do that, but why am I gonna do that?"
He said, "When the police get there, tell 'em she came at you,
you fired a warning shot.
She kept coming, you shot her and killed her."
-[scattered gasps] -[applause]
L-A-P motherfucking D.
[audience laughs]
They are good at bad.
[audience laughs]
Fifteen days...
[man] No.
-Yeah. -[audience laughs]
Fifteen days she was outside of my house.
And you're probably wondering "What was life like for you, Dane Cook, in those 15 days?"
Man, I'll tell you a couple things.
I got very good at driving in and out of my garage
-at high rates of speed. -[audience laughs]
I'm, like, Olympic-level ready,
if that's ever a competitive thing.
I actually know how high the roof of my car is.
And then, I put a sticker right there in the garage door,
so I didn't need to wait for it to go all the way up,
I could just fucking Batman in.
And then I get in, I hit the door, and I'd watch it close,
and you're scared, because we've all seen the movie.
Somebody slides under the last minute!
-You're gonna die now! -[audience laughs]
So you're just like this, "Close. Close, close, close." You're cheering for a door!
-[audience laughs] -"Close! Close! Close! Close!"
Fifteen days.
Day fifteen...
...I come up around this corner,
I'm just about to boogie into the garage like I always did.
I quickly look over, and the car, gone.
So I stop...
...and I sat there for a second,
and I remember, as I was, uh, sitting there,
I thought to myself, "Maybe she moved," you know,
"Maybe she's in a different vantage point,
looking at my property, which is sprawling.
[audience laughs]
And, and so, I closed the garage door, and I had to know.
So I, I was driving around my neighborhood and I'm going block by block,
-and I'm basically stalking my stalker at this point. -[audience laughs]
I was like, "Where are you at... [hoarsely] Baaby?"
[audience laughs, applauds]
[Dane] And, and, and, uh, nothing. Nothing.
I can't find her.
Then I finally come into the house,
and I checked the DMs. The DMs
that had been so constant for that year.
And then, of course,
over the 15 days, nothing.
Everything stopped day 15.
And I remember I was in the house.
And a couple hours later, I looked at the screen thinking, "She's gonna be back out there,
or, like, she gonna be back in her spot,
and this is gonna go into the whole thing again."
And when I looked out there a couple of hours later,
still not there.
Later on that night, maybe 8:00, I walked over.
Not there. No DMs.
And it was at that point that I remember I finally was like...
-"Where did she go?" -[scarce laughter]
I mean, I hated when she was out there, but at least I knew where she was.
This was a new kind of terror that I was experiencing.
Where'd she go?
And then a couple hours later,
I looked out there again,
and I had another notion unexpectedly.
I was like, "Hm...
...she's a quitter."
[audience laughs]
I have no respect for quitters.
What a fucking loser to quit.
And then I looked out at midnight.
My ego got involved.
Yeah, I got strangely insecure.
I remember looking out there at midnight
having this revelation. I was like, "Oh, ho, ho!
Okay."
[chuckles]
"Yeah, what is she at Kevin Hart's house now?"
[audience laughs]
And then, nothing. Nothing!
For the longest time.
And what's so interesting about us
being here and this moment that I wanted to
capture this special,
she wrote me a little letter.
I mean, I thought, when I saw the D--
First of all, when I saw that she had DMed me,
when I saw the DM, I, I was, uh, I was excited and terrified.
[chuckles nervously] And when I opened it up,
I thought it was gonna be, like, another weird blurb,
and then that was gonna turn into chaos, and she'd be back out there.
But when I opened it, it was a long message.
And so, I memorized it.
Because I wanted to tell you exactly what it said.
Here's the letter she wrote to me a few weeks ago. It opens up and says, um,
"Dane Cook."
It says, um, [clicks tongue]
"I felt
a deep need,
I felt a deep need to reach out to you and explain why I did what I did.
I'm so truly embarrassed, but I felt you need, uh, an explanation."
Then she went on to say, uh, "I'm a schizophrenic.
I went off my medication.
And as part of my spin,
I attached myself to you,
and the idea of being with you,
She said, "In truth, I'm a big fan, and I love your standup,
and I've seen all your films and, and television.
I hear you have a big dick."
[audience laughs]
All right. I added that. I added that.
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] Then she ended the letter by saying,
"I wish you nothing but great success in all your future endeavors.
Love and light, Janice."
"Love and light, Janice."
You have to understand something. I did not expect closure with this situation.
[audience laughs]
But in that moment, I felt such empathy.
And I'm a sensitive guy,
and I was almost immediately responding.
Yeah, I know that sounds wild, but I was. I was just, uh, I was enthused for her,
and in that moment, what was I saying? I was throwing some things on there,
I was like, I was saying, like, "I'm so glad that you caught this,
and I'm sure that your family is happy that you're healthy and okay."
And then I stopped myself, and I was like, "Wait, I got a fucking gun."
I planned a murder, and how to get away with that murder
absolutely in my favor.
So this is what I did instead, and I think you're gonna appreciate this even more.
I deleted everything that I was gonna write to her,
and all I did, I sent her a video of me eating almonds.
[audience laughs]
[audience applauds, cheers]
Uh, by the way, I'm in love.
I just wanna, you know, for the record,
I'm deeply in love.
[audience whooping, applauding]
And for a lot of years, I was, uh, just a very lonely millionaire,
and I did not know...
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
I would just be lost in the world.
Sometimes, I would just drive my Lamborghini
-somewhere and leave it, 'cause I was so... -[audience laughs]
...frightened, scared, and alone. I didn't know where I was going in the world.
And then finally, oh, my goodness, I finally meet somebody.
And here's the thing, you wanna check five boxes in a relationship.
Five things! If you meet somebody
that offer up these five things, don't let go.
Hold on tight. Hold on really tight, koala bear tight.
Mindful, thoughtful, compassionate, collaborative, and caring.
That's what I have. I'm so fortunate.
And if you meet somebody who's mindful, thoughtful,
compassionate, collaborative, and caring,
don't fuck it up. Okay?
And you know what? I'm so happy in my relationship
that I made a terrible mistake.
I was so happy that I was like, "You know what? I bet... [sighs]
I bet the Internet's happy for me. I should check.
[audience laughs]
Let me see what the Internet is ra-- raring about my relationship.
And so... [sighs]
I got a... [chuckles]
I don't Google myself, by the way, ever.
I learned this lesson a long time ago.
And here's the thing, if I do decide to google myself,
it's 'cause I'm already in a rut.
And to me, googling myself
is like cutting. Okay?
[audience laughs]
When I google myself, I'm always like, "Okay, I'm gonna cringe.
This is not gonna be easy to take,"
but I kind of, I don't know, I think I felt hopeful
that the Internet would be like, "Oh, wow, that's great.
Dane Cook's happy, and I'm happy that he's happy."
And so I searched, and then, right away, I was crestfallen.
-[audience laughs] -[chuckling]
I should not have done this.
Because the Internet was saying some very, very mean-spirited things.
And if you're wondering, like, "Why? What is,
what is the problem with, uh, my relationship?"
Internet doesn't like it because I'm 49, my girlfriend's 23.
-[man whooping] -And the Internet was... [hesitant scoffing]
It was so, uh, it was so, like, completely deranged
some of the things people were saying that I finally was like, "You know what?
I've got to talk to my girlfriend about it,
because I really wanna share that I'm feeling this
overwhelmingly depressed feeling."
So finally, we sat down in the kitchen.
She was doing her homework, and I said to her...
[audience laughs]
...I said, "Bedtime soon, beddy.
Let's talk before bed bed."
-[audience laughs] -[laughs]
I said, "Baby, I love you."
And she said, "Aw, babe, I love you. I love you."
I said, "I love you so much." And she, "I love you so much."
We were being kind of cheesy.
And then, I got emotional and I said, you know, I said,
"I'm so in love with you." And I never said that
to a woman in my entire life.
I said, "I love you. I love you, too."
But I never told a woman, "I am so in love with you."
And she got even more touched by this,
and then I got even a little sappier,
and I said, "Where have you been all my life?"
And then I remembered she wasn't alive
-for the first 26 years of it. -[audience laughs]
[applause]
[laughs]
A guy last night, during the taping, a guy last night, he goes,
"Oh, you're robbing the cradle." And I was like, "Let's relax.
She hasn't slept in a cradle in, like, nine years."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
I get very, uh,
I get weird about weddings.
There's something about weddings.
First of all, I don't do a lot of impersonations.
Can I do a very quick one of all of you?
-I could do all of you at once. -[man whoops]
Ready? This is anybody here
getting a wedding invitation in the mail. Ready?
"Fuck."
[audience laughs]
[applause]
"When is it?"
You didn't even look at who, when. When?
"What weekend have you stolen from me?
[shouts] July third! That's great.
July third. Where is it? Yosemite National Park?
Outside wedding. July third.
-That's not gonna be hot as balls." -[audience laughs]
Then you don't even know who's getting married,
'cause I don't speak calligraphy.
What the fuck? Is that a K, a Q?
-Who is this? -[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
Right, and then you go. Here's the thing. I--
There's a lot of things that-- you go to the, uh, wedding,
and I-- there's certain things I don't understand.
First of all, the bride and the groom, I don't like the way, they-- [sighs]
I hate the way the priest is, is standing between them,
and he's being cryptic. He's saying all the right--
-"Do you? Do you?" -[audience laughs]
"Say what I say." "No, you say."
[chuckles]
And then, oh, my goodness, vows.
This always gets me, the vows.
They're gonna vow things to each other in front of everybody.
-Okay? Vows. You can't even keep promises to yourself. -[audience laughs]
You've been saying you're gonna lose 15 lbs for eight years.
And now you're gonna vow to keep their bullshit dreams afloat.
[audience laughs]
[laughs]
And then the vows. Here's something about the vows,
they're vowing, and then all of a sudden, for no reason,
there's like old English in the vows, right?
"Thus onto mine eyes, doth I..."
-Are we burning a witch? What the fuck just happened? -[audience laughs]
What is this language? This code?
[chuckles]
Here's how you know you resent having
to go to the wedding in the first place.
When the bride and groom, when they come out of the church,
if you throw your rice like this,
[exclaims angrily]
[audience laughs]
[laughs] You huck that rice at their eyes.
[audience laughs]
Here's a fun little prank that you can do. Ready?
Stand behind everybody outside of the church, right.
Just be like one of the last people, at the very back,
and then, uh, when the bride and groom come out,
everybody's all happy and jovial.
Just not very loud, but just loud enough
that, you know, they hear it. Just yell,
"Fuck you!"
[audience laughs, applauds]
The reason I wanted to share
this, uh, this evening with everybody is because
I feel like, um,
I'm always looking for that visceral reaction.
Any time I'm watching something on television,
I'm waiting for that moment where you, you have that moment where you emote to nobody.
That's when you know something very, very cool is happening.
When you're sitting alone,
and something happens on a program,
-and you look at nobody... -[audience laughs]
...and you're like, "This is fucking-- I'm alone.
-I, I wish I had people." -[applause]
"This is..."
I had, uh, I had a visceral reaction
to something that I thought was just so cool and unique.
And if you happen to catch this,
I think you would agree with me that it was
one of the most, uh, unbelievable moments
that I, I've seen captured on television in years.
It was one of those shows, like, uh, 20/20.
The, the producers had a husband and a wife,
and they were sitting on a couch,
and the producer just wanted the wife, she had a shoe box of old photos,
they wanted her to take some, uh, pictures out.
And she would look and she would smile at some pictures.
She would look at her husband
and they would, you know, check the photos of--
Like, ten seconds of togetherness is really all they needed.
The camera would slowly pan by,
and the narrator would give us a little backstory
on the couple that we're about to meet,
and then this is what ended up happening, and they,
the cameras were rolling, mics were on.
She reaches into the shoebox, she grabs, like, 40 pictures.
She starts rifling through. She grabs one.
She's very excited. She drops the rest,
and she launches into a little tirade.
She goes, "Oh, this-- I love this. This is...
This is one of my favorite memories of all times.
This is me when I was four years old,
I went to Disney World with my family, my mom, my dad, myself.
We had an amazing bonding experience."
And she was so effervescent and excited about the picture
that you couldn't help but feel that same enthusiasm.
In fact, the cameraman was slowly moving towards her
because she was on this bubbly little tangent,
and it happened very quickly. As they got closer and closer,
-her husband's head came into the frame. -[audience laughs]
All you saw was one incredulous eye.
And it was unsettling. She didn't know yet.
And then, without even asking his wife's permission,
he just snatched the photo out of her hand, and, and she was startled.
And then the cameraman didn't know where the picture went,
so he was trying to land on it. And when it finally did,
the guy was staring at the photo.
And then he swore on the show, and they had to beep it.
He goes, "Holy shit!"
And his wife goes, "Babe, what?" He goes, "What?
I went to Disney World with my family when I was four years old.
I'm standing right next to you in this picture."
[scattered gasps]
And they showed the picture close up,
and they were literally standing shoulder to shoulder.
Both kids were in line waiting for the same ride with their families,
and they were all crunched together, and they were cheesing out.
And they took the picture, and they go the wrong way for 28 years,
meet, get married, find out they have a picture together
-when they were little kids. -[scattered aw-ing, applause]
-I'm glad six of you appreciate that. Yeah. -[audience laughs]
And the rest of you are what? Sociopaths?
What are you? You're all looking,
"Give me something else, Dane. I feel nothing."
-[audience laughs] -[man whoops]
Let me qualify it for everybody
who may not really understand the weight of that.
The only thing that would have made that moment more dynamic
and uncanny and incredible is if that couple, right after that interview,
if they were murdered.
[audience laughs]
If they were brutally, brutally murdered.
And the guy that killed them was also in the picture...
-[audience laughs] -[scattered applause]
...when he was four years old.
[laughs]
I love crime.
[audience whooping]
I love it. I can't stop with the, uh...
...Citizen app. I'm always on the Citizen app.
-[woman laughs] -Citizen app for anybody who doesn't know.
So the Citizen app, you can, uh,
download it, and then it knows your,
it knows your GPS coordinates, knows where you're at. [clicks tongue]
And from time to time, it will send you updates.
But they're not delightful.
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
The updates are quite nefarious, right?
And not only do they send an update,
they send how far away whatever is happening is happening.
Couple of nights ago, I'm sitting, watching TV, I get an update.
I looked down, 0.04 miles away.
Woman brandishing dagger."
[audience laughs]
Let's talk about this for a second. First of all, what the fuck is brandishing?
[audience laughs]
I feel, like, it's like threatening,
but with dance involved, right.
[hoarsely] "I'm brandishing and will kill you."
Point-oh-four miles away. I was like, "Fuck, I could probably get down there."
[audience laughs]
[laughs]
I love it. They were doing the updates, uh, it was on the news, too.
You can see the, the smash-and-grab gang. You saw them, right?
There's 20 of them. They all had hammers,
and apparently, they all got together,
and they were like, "Hey, let's just rob everything," all the time."
[audience laughs]
And so, it started a few months ago.
The first thing that they did is they took their,
they took their hammers, and they went to,
I think the first place that they hit was, uh, Nordstrom's.
Right? And you saw the footage. They all ran up,
and they smashed the plate glass window.
And then you see them all. They just run through the store,
and they're grabbing everything that they can. And then they--
By the way, never even try anything on, right?
-They're just so brazen. -[audience laughs]
Imagine you get home and you're, like, "Nothing fits me."
[audience laughs]
"I ran through the kids' aisle, fuck!
I can't believe this."
I've always loved, I, I just I'm fascinated with, uh, criminals and crime.
It's always been the stuff that I'm most interested, like, You can't not watch Dateline.
Datelineto this day... Is there anything better than a,
a brand new episode of Dateline? I don't think there is.
-[man whoops] -Right? When you're sitting down, and you, you start--
First of all, Dateline. even if you're not planning on watching Dateline,
-you're gonna end up watching Dateline. -[audience laughs]
Okay, 'cause there's a couple of things that Dateline--very crafty,
that Datelineknows how to do.
First of all, when the show starts,
the moment... [chuckles] Datelinebegins
coming out of whatever commercial, they show blood right away.
-[audience laughs] -Right?
They show, they show smears of blood,
they show flashes of blood, splats of blood,
and then the narrator jumps in almost as quickly.
-"There was blood everywhere." -[audience laughs]
"Blood on the walls, blood on the floors,
-blood on the family dog." -[audience laughs]
And you're like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Blood on the dog? Wait a second.
Hold up! Did the killer pet the dog?
Did the dog kill people? Wait!"
And then what do they do next? They pull you in a little bit more
by giving you a tidbit of the salacious hour.
you're about to experience, right?
"They were just married three hours before."
And you're like, "Oh, shit, this is serious."
And then they give the entire episode a title.
And the title's fucked up, but perfect. "Tonight,
I do know I do want to kill you. Here's Lester Holt."
[audience laughs, applauds]
[chuckles]
I love crime. Oh, my goodness. I've watched so many thousands of hours of courtroom dramas.
I think I know how to represent myself in a court of law, and get away with it.
-Absolutely. So come along with me. -[audience laughs]
-Let's talk about that next. Here we go.
-First... -[applause]
Okay, listen, it's not about guilt.
It's not about innocent. It's not about facts.
it's not about yes or no, or what was right and wro--
It doe-- None of that matters, okay?
The whole deal of winning in court
is charisma.
That's the whole thing. It's all about charisma. I'm telling you right now,
that's all you need to do if you want to win the case.
Ad there's a couple of things that you could do
to instantly get that jury.
'Cause you just need one person, one person,
in that jury pool to think you're a cool shit.
[audience laughs]
If you can't get one person
to think that you're somebody they wanna hang with,
well, you should go to fucking jail.
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
One person
needs to come up with some reasonable doubt. Okay?
That's what we're looking for here. And this is how you're gonna get it.
Ready? Very, very simple. This is what you do. You start off like this.
First day, you're gonna win, the first day. Okay?
You're gonna dress up, gussy up real nice,
and then, you're going to, uh...
You're gonna, uh, this is-- Juries love this. Ready?
You're gonna pace back and forth like this.
Juries love this. Ready?
[audience laughs]
All right. See this little thing that I'm doing with my finger?
This is a little pantomime here. You're gonna do this.
If you ever represent yourself in a court of law, do this.
Pretend there's a tiny little kitten on the end of your digit,
-and you're petting it. -[audience laughs]
And all you're gonna do, ready? Very sincerely,
you're just gonna greet them, that's all.
You're gonna greet the jury. You're just gonna look at everybody.
-"Hello." -[audience laughs]
"Good morning.
Good morning, hi.
Good morning."
Right away, somebody's sitting there going,
"He wished me good morning."
[audience laughs]
"That made me feel really nice.
I believe in this person."
Now, if you're feeling already, like, "Oh, wow, okay,
I'm starting to feel a genuine connection
with this, uh, jury, then you might want to go again.
Don't push it. But you might want to go with this next.
You might want to go with, um...
[clears throat]
"Is anybody celebrating a birthday today?"
[audience laughs]
[scattered clapping]
"Next week? Happy birthday."
Who doesn't love to be wished happy birthday?
"Happy birthday. He wished me happy birthday.
This guy didn't kill somebody."
[audience laughs]
"Cared about my birthday greeting."
This will work. Absolutely.
Except for one condition.
It will not work if you're fucking ugly.
[audience laughs]
If you're ugly, you are going to jail.
Ugly people are guilty.
[scattered clapping]
If you have a cleft lip, you're done.
You're going to jail.
But if you look good, that's innocence right there.
[laughs]
[scattered laughter]
There's certain things that juries just really love.
Here's something else that they love. They love when you point at them gently.
Okay? You're going to point at them gently.
And then follow your own hand out.
And then you're just gonna ask a very obvious question about America.
[audience laughs]
Juries love this. Just like this, you're gonna go...
[inhales deeply]
[exhales]
"Do you want to live in an America where Chick-fil-A is closed on Sundays?"
[audience laughs]
"Because I sure don't. Justice."
[applause]
"Justice."
"They can't hire some atheists
to work the drive-through on a Sunday?
-[audience laughs] -Come on!
Justice.
Justice."
[Dane chuckles]
I was, uh...
I was asked one time if I'd ever thought of, uh,
quitting.
You know, did it ever get, uh, so severe,
and was I ever in such a,
you know,
rut in stand up?
'Cause, man, those formative years are just...
[sighs] Man.
If I had to go back and do it again,
I just, I'd do brain surgery.
It's like--
It is just so, so hard.
And somebody asked me, he said, "Do you ever think about quitting?"
And I was like, "Yeah! Yeah, I actually did."
I did quit. I only quit one time.
In 31 years, I only fucking quit once!
[inhales sharply] Once.
It was for 30 seconds.
It was for 30 actual seconds.
For 30 seconds, I went to an alternate universe,
and I was like, "That's my life, and when I get home,
I'm gonna do [gibberish] and I'm changing.
And I, I really committed in that moment
to letting go off the big dream.
I was too scared. I, I, I was too, you know, encumbered.
I had just, so many, you know, issues with anxiety and...
But what brought me to the moment of realizing that I wasn't gonna keep it going
is the moment that launched me to everything,
and then to standing right here
wearing fucking sneakers that are an homage to my mom,
in my high school hoodie.
Thirty seconds...
...of complete failure.
I got hired to do a gig in Florida.
I'd never been to Florida. I was in Boston.
My manager at the time called me, he goes, "You got a gig in Florida."
-I said, "What the fuck? Am I even funny in Florida?" -[audience laughs]
And he goes, "Well, we're gonna find out.
This guy saw you at a local college gig.
He wants you to come down, and do a show."
My heart's racing. I was like,
"Wha-- Oh, wow, I'm going on the road.
This is where it starts. Oh, my goodness."
I said, "What, uh, wow. Okay, so where am I going?"
He goes, "The name of the venue is The Rathskeller."
I go, "The Rathskeller? Wow, that sounds pretty gnarly."
I go, "Okay, when is it?" He goes, "Well, couple of things first."
He goes, "There's no money."
I said, "There's no money?"
He goes, "No, there's no budget. Nothing."
I go, "What about a little bit of scratch, maybe for a Greyhound bus ticket
-or coach class?" -[scattered laughter]
He goes, "There's nothing at all.
Zero."
I said, "I'll do it."
Instantly. I was like, "You know what?
The profit is exposure. I'll do it."
He goes, "All right, good. You're gonna start driving right now.
The gig is tomorrow night."
[audience laughs]
Yeah. So I jumped into my Chevy Cavalier,
I got out on 95 south.
I get down there, and the, the guy that I'm meeting,
his name was Don. I remember Don was standing outside of The Rathskeller,
and he was smoking. And as I came towards him,
for whatever reason, he just flicked the cigarette towards me,
and it fucking... [mimics speed] rocked it right past me.
I was like, "Wow, this dude is fucking cool."
[audience laughs]
I was like, "Did you practice that?
That was fucking amazing."
And he blew all the smoke. [blows]
He blew so much smoke, and then he walked through the smoke
-like Michael Jackson. -[audience laughs]
I'd never seen anybody do anything like that.
The only thing that could have made it better
is if when he came through the smoke,
a white tiger
fucking jumped out with him.
-Fuck! -[audience laughs]
I wanted to be Don.
[chuckles] He goes, "You wanna see the joint? I said, "Yeah."
We go in and we look at The Ratskeller.
Middle of day.
What am I seeing? Observation mode.
Ready? I'm seeing a bar, TVs.
I'm seeing a nacho machine.
I'm seeing arcade games.
I see, uh, air hockey.
It's a joint. It's a place where people like to go and commiserate and hang out.
And I was like, "Okay." but then I look around, I go, "Wait a second.
Hey! [fumbles]
Don.
Where do I perform? Where's the stage?"
And he pointed across the room and up.
Which I've never seen anybody do that before.
Normally, when somebody's gonna point to a stage,
it's a horizon line point.
I'd never seen anybody point at space.
[scattered laughter]
It, it was unusual, and I, when I followed his finger,
I looked, and inside The Rathskeller,
there was another little building in the building.
And when he pointed, and he goes, "You see that hotdog stand?"
I said, "Yeah." He goes, "You're gonna be on the roof."
I said, "I'm gonna be on the roof of the hot dog stand?"
He goes, "Yes."
I said, "Fuck."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
I said, "Don, I would, I--
I didn't even know how I would get up there."
[scattered laughter]
And he looked at me, and he said in a voice that,
that sounded like information I always should have known.
He went, "There's a fucking ladder in the back."
[audience laughs]
[sarcastic enthusiasm] Yeah. Oh! Oh, yes!
The Ratskeller hotdog stand
ladder in the back.
Yeah! Yes.
So I look and I go, I said, "Uh, 'cause it's dark."
I said, "Don, it's, it's, um..."
"Wow," I said, "Is there lights up there?"
And he looked at me and he goes,
"You need fucking lights to perform?"
[audience laughs]
I said, "Don, I'm a man of a thousand faces, yes,
or at least a dozen faces at this point."
I said, "I need illumination, so people can see my behaviors."
And he goes like this. He goes,
-"Fuck!" -[audience laughs]
"Fucking bullshit! Fuck! Motherfucker!"
And he swore all the way down the hall away from me.
I could tell he went very far,
because the fucks got very low.
And then, as I heard the fucks raise up in volume, I thought, "Don's returning."
-[audience laughs] -[chuckles]
He comes around the corner. Ready? He hands me a lantern.
[audience laughs]
Yeah. Like the cover of a Led Zeppelin album, lantern.
Like a Gandalf...
...he goes, "Yeah?" And I'm so beta at this point, I have no fucking spine.
I took it. I was like, "This will-- Yeah, this will do.
-Thank you so much, Don." -[audience laughs]
I was such a little jerk. I didn't just know how to be like, "No."
And then I-- Now I'm a little bit more nervous.
I looked back up there, I said, "Don, I got, I, I, uh, one more ques--
I know you got to go a smoke and do that impressive thing you did, but..."
I said, "Don, is there, um, a microphone up there?"
And he goes... [laughs]
"You need a fucking mic?"
I said, "Yes." I said, "Dawn, people need to be able to hear my tones,
and I need to be able to, uh, uh, modulate, uh, uh,
in different character modes. Yes, I'd like a microphone."
And he goes, "Fucking bitch! Fuck you! Fuck!
-Fucking bitch! Motherfucker!" -[audience laughs]
[scattered clapping]
And the, and the fucks got lower.
And then, as I heard the volume go up on the fucks, I thought...
"Don's returning."
-[audience laughs] -[laughs]
He comes around the corner. Ready? This is what he hands me.
He hands me--
[clicks tongue] You ever see a Gorilla Amp?
Gorilla Amps, like this big.
He hands me that, and there's a wire coming off it,
but it's not a regular mic,
it's a, it's a lapel mic.
[audience laughs]
A lapel mic is when a person goes on, uh, uh, a talk show,
and they clip on that little mic. He hands me one of those.
The clip is broken,
so it's just a tiny little mic.
Then I'm gonna have to hold like a fucking giant.
Like a Lilliputian mic.
"Hello? Hello?
Hello." He goes, "Yeah?"
And I go... [fumbling] "Very good. Yes."
[audience laughs]
I said, "Don, what time
does the show begin?"
And he goes, "Show's gonna start
sometime between 8:00 and 11:00, so hang out."
I was like, "8:00, 11:00. Perfect. That's my sweet spot."
-[audience laughs] -"I'll be revved 8:00 to 11:00."
He puts me in a back storage closet,
and there's not even like a green room.
There's just a fucking place where, like,
they put a mop.
You know, you know, a place where they put the mop with the bucket,
and they didn't even empty out the bleach. Bleach is still in there.
[scattered laughter]
[laughs]
Finally, at, like, 10:30,
Don comes around the corner, goes, "Yo, Dane Cook!"
I said, "Yeah." And he goes, "You ready to do it?" I said, "Yeah."
And, uh, now, it all hit me. I was like, "This.
This is where I'm gonna go out, and I'm gonna start trying to figure out, you know,
where the next, maybe army of fans that I have."
Whoo! Now, I'm walking behind him.
And I remember, I was like, "Oh, man," I just, I was getting, like,
a little bit of flop sweat, and, uh... [exclaims]
And then finally, Don stopped in the hallway.
He goes, "You're good?"
I said, "Yeah." And he goes, "I think you're gonna be great."
I said, "Don, I appreciate that." He goes, "Yeah.
Now get the fuck up that ladder, and do your shit."
[audience laughs]
Wisdom.
To this day, anytime I'm feeling like
I just don't really know how to
take next steps, or if you feel like you're at a dead end,
just remember the words of Don. And you know what you do?
You get to fuck up that ladder, and you do your shit.
-[audience whoops] -[man] Yeah.
I climbed a ladder like this,
a makeshift ladder.
[audience laughs]
As I'm approaching the top of the hot dog stand roof,
I'm realizing a couple of things.
This is higher than I thought.
-[audience laughs] -[laughs]
When I was on rung 11, I was like, "Whoa!"
I-- maybe it was an optical illusion,
but it seemed like it was a smaller
edifice inside this larger establishment,
but no, and I'm climbing, I'm sweating.
I finally get to the very top, and I can hear it.
I hear before I even get over the cusp of the roof.
Hustle/bustle.
It's packed. It's showtime.
And I climb up and put one foot, and when I come over the top,
everybody's moving around.
Everybody's moving around. And very, very quickly...
...I'm realizing nobody's sitting like you're sitting.
There's no chairs facing this direction.
People are milling about everywhere.
I'm looking over. Everybody's crowded at the bar,
and they're all cheersing and drinks are going everywhere.
And sports highlights are on! And everybody's reacting.
And then, people are on their arcade games...
[mockingly mimicking game tones]
And then people playing air hockey, and I can hear that.
And they... [imitates strike] And they're hitting that back. "Oh, shit!
Fuck, man, one more game! One more game!"
And everybody's moving around.
And I'm, like, I've got the little mic,
-and I'm like, "Hello? Hello? Hello?" -[audience laughs]
I'm trying to pull some focus, and as I'm trying to assimilate,
I look and then I notice there's people kind of walking
towards in a way. But I'm so high up.
And what I finally do is I, I tiptoe to the very end of the stand.
And when I looked down, the hot dog stand was open.
[audience laughs]
It was a functioning fucking hot dog stand.
And one woman,
as she walked away with her hot dog,
noticed and realized I was there, and I heard her,
and as I heard her, I watched. She protected her heart.
And she went, "There's a man! There's a man on the hot dog stand."
-[audience laughs] -"Look, there's a man."
She protected her heart.
"Oh, there's a ma-- There's a man right there."
So I'm desperately,
"Hello, hello. Hi, guys. Hello?" Nobody.
And I'm realizing, "Oh, man, I'm, I'm, I'm losing.
I'm losing them." And I searched the crowd.
And then finally, there's one guy
in a crisp white shirt at the very back of the room.
And I remember he was standing in such a unique position
that I had to really take it in.
He was standing like this.
And he was watching me.
He was watching me.
And when I noticed he was watching me,
then I realized he was making a face,
that I can only describe it as
he was almost entertained.
[audience laughs]
I said, "I'm gonna get him. I'm gonna get this guy,
and then by proxy the laughter will spread,
and I will have this place rocking and rolling.
This is gonna turn into a fun ruckus right now."
And I looked at this guy again, and I noticed something
the second time I observed that right under where his hand
was so uniquely placed, there was a bunch of switches.
There was like 12 switches, and I quickly deduced,
those must be the switches to the TVs, and the arcade games and the air hockey.
If somehow I could communicate with this gentleman
to turn the switches off, maybe I could pull everybody in.
So I looked at this guy, and I pointed like this.
I just pointed at him.
And when I pointed at him, he went like this.
[audience laughs]
And once I knew he knew I was pointing at him, then I just went like that.
This is it point, and then I whipped my arm down like that,
and he knew that this was the international sign for
"Hey, you should turn all those switches off."
Because when I did that, he looked at me, ready,
he looked, and then he looked at the...
And then he looked back at me.
He looked at the switches.
Here's the best part. My favorite part.
He didn't just turn them off one at a time.
He used his whole forearm, and he fucking [mimics thud]
just shut down the whole fucking mainframe.
TVs off, arcade games off.
Air hockey, no more air.
Nacho machine, still on.
-I think it was on a generator. -[audience laughs]
Point is I had control.
But I didn't, 'cause once everything went off, before I could even get a word out,
I heard one guy go, "Who the fuck did that?
Who turned everything off? Who did it?"
And I heard a woman respond, and I think it was the woman who protected her heart.
She goes, "It's the man on the hot dog stand, he indicated!"
[audience laughs]
All of a sudden, in that exact moment,
I looked and I saw something coming through the air.
It took me one second to realize
fucking thousands of hot dogs were coming at me.
[man] Ow!
Hot dogs were coming from every angle.
One of them just Scud missiled right past me.
One hot dog I remember went... [mimics windy waves]
And then two ricocheted up and they both went past,
and then somehow, five hit the ceiling,
and it rained hot dogs down around me.
But I got away from all of them.
And I remember, they kept coming.
More and more and more hot dogs. It was...
It was like
the opening of Saving Private Ryan,
but instead of bullets, picture hot dogs.
-Okay? -[audience laughs]
I jumped on the ladder and I very quickly,
went down 72 rungs.
And there was a back door, and I remember I found the back door,
and I... [mimics pushing door] pushed it open,
and I ran all the way across the parking lot,
and I got into my little used Chevy Cavalier.
And I was just in that car for a second.
And then finally, I just drove away.
I got on I-95 north.
And man, I drove as fast as I could.
And I was so sad that I had to pull over on the side of the road.
I couldn't even drive anymore, because I was so...
...emotional and upset.
And I was sitting in this little rest stop.
And I remember I looked at myself in the rearview mirror,
and I said... [sobs] "You're not funny in Florida."
[audience laughs]
"You're not funny anywhere."
-[man, laughing] Oh, no. -"You should just quit." And I said it out loud,
and I'd never fucking let in to not doing this.
Even though I knew I sucked at everything else in the fucking world.
But I knew I could do this.
I said, "You should quit."
And I did, and I was resolved to quit.
Right at that moment, I relinquished my power,
and I said, "I'm fucking quitting."
And I put it in drive, and I was already heading towards a new life.
In those few seconds, I'm telling you, right then,
I've created a ripple, and the universe was ready to cooperate.
And then I fucking... [mimics heavy thud] jammed it back into park,
and I said, "I'm not quitting!
I'm not quitting."
And it's that moment that brings me to this moment tonight.
And the reason I didn't quit is for that realization that I had there.
The reason I didn't quit...
...is 'cause not one fucking hotdog hit me.
[audience laughs]
[audience whooping]
[applause]
I'm Dane Cook. Thank you, guys, so much.
[audience cheering]
All right, you can all go home now.
That's a wrap. Thank you, guys, very much.
Appreciate it.
Thank you. Thanks for coming to my house.
[helicopter whirring]
That's my chopper, guys. I've got to get out here.
-Really. -[audience laughs]
If you could just meet me in the back on the roof.
-It's my neighbor, Tom Cruise. -[audience laughs]
He's probably flying himself to set.
Careful, he might jump. [laughs]
He's a fun guy. Anyway, okay.
[helicopter whirring]
[indistinct audience chatter]
[people continue to chatter]