1
00:00:01,566 --> 00:00:02,524
[audience cheering
and applauding]

2
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX

3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

4
00:00:31,727 --> 00:00:34,730
[helicopter whirrs]

5
00:00:36,732 --> 00:00:38,342
Thank you guys very much.
Thank you for being here.

6
00:00:38,516 --> 00:00:40,040
Thanks for coming to my house.
You guys feeling good?

7
00:00:40,214 --> 00:00:42,303
-[audience] Yeah!
-[person whoops]

8
00:00:42,477 --> 00:00:43,739
Good to see you, everybody.
I'm Dane Cook.

9
00:00:43,913 --> 00:00:45,480
Thanks for being here tonight.
This is--

10
00:00:45,654 --> 00:00:47,395
[audience applauding
and cheering]

11
00:00:49,571 --> 00:00:51,834
This is, uh, this is my house.

12
00:00:53,618 --> 00:00:55,968
This is, uh, my actual house.
I know some of you guys
are like,

13
00:00:56,143 --> 00:00:58,710
-"That's not his fucking house."
-[audience laughs]

14
00:00:58,884 --> 00:01:00,451
But this is my house.
Good Luck Chuckdid very well.

15
00:01:00,625 --> 00:01:02,497
-That's all I'm gonna say, okay?
-[audience laughs]

16
00:01:02,671 --> 00:01:04,715
Yeah, fuck Rotten Tomatoes.
This shit bought me a house.

17
00:01:04,890 --> 00:01:06,196
-[audience cheers]
-I know.

18
00:01:06,370 --> 00:01:07,502
Thirty-five percent splat?

19
00:01:07,676 --> 00:01:09,808
No, 35% mortgage paid. Trust me.

20
00:01:09,982 --> 00:01:11,462
-[audience whooping]
-It's--

21
00:01:12,463 --> 00:01:13,769
[Dane chuckles]

22
00:01:14,422 --> 00:01:16,337
Before we keep going,
anybody have any questions

23
00:01:16,511 --> 00:01:19,253
about what's happening
right now? What are your names?

24
00:01:19,426 --> 00:01:20,645
-[man] Robert.
-Robert and...

25
00:01:20,819 --> 00:01:21,994
-[woman] Diana.
-Robert and Diana?

26
00:01:22,952 --> 00:01:24,910
-How long you guys
been together?
-Over a year.

27
00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:26,912
-[Dane] Over a year, yeah?
-Two years.

28
00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:28,392
[Dane]
Or two years, he said...
[laughs]

29
00:01:28,566 --> 00:01:30,699
-[audience laughs]
-He said over... [laughs]

30
00:01:30,873 --> 00:01:34,137
That's kind of a wide--
You missed, you know.

31
00:01:35,399 --> 00:01:37,967
A year, two years.
Let's just call five years.

32
00:01:39,577 --> 00:01:42,319
Did you guys meet in real life?
Did you meet through
some kind of online situation?

33
00:01:42,493 --> 00:01:44,015
Talk to me. You're at my house.
Let's just--

34
00:01:45,714 --> 00:01:47,628
-We met in real life.
-You met in real life?

35
00:01:47,803 --> 00:01:49,935
And did you get it,
like, when you met him,

36
00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:53,243
a thing happens with women
that I've-- I, I'm trying
to understand, like,

37
00:01:53,417 --> 00:01:55,289
uh, like you kind of know,
there's some,

38
00:01:55,463 --> 00:01:57,813
I don't know what if it's, uh,
what is it like, pheromones,

39
00:01:57,987 --> 00:02:00,598
-or does like your pussy tingle?
-[audience laughs]

40
00:02:00,772 --> 00:02:03,558
-Did it like buzz
in your panties?
-Yes, butterflies flew out.

41
00:02:03,732 --> 00:02:06,169
Right? You kind of-- Butterflies
came out of your vagina.

42
00:02:06,343 --> 00:02:08,127
[audience laughs]

43
00:02:08,301 --> 00:02:10,042
[laughs]

44
00:02:10,955 --> 00:02:12,784
Right? Did you just-- You knew,
knew something right away,

45
00:02:12,958 --> 00:02:15,396
like, "Wow, I wanna, I wanna
hang with this guy." Yeah?

46
00:02:15,570 --> 00:02:17,702
And so, how's it been?
You can be honest.

47
00:02:17,876 --> 00:02:19,574
Let's figure it out right now,
okay? You're either leaving
together...

48
00:02:19,748 --> 00:02:20,879
[laughs]

49
00:02:21,053 --> 00:02:21,924
-Yeah, been great?
-Yeah.

50
00:02:22,098 --> 00:02:23,404
-Yes.
-Yeah? Okay.

51
00:02:23,578 --> 00:02:25,101
So here's what
I want to ask you guys.

52
00:02:25,275 --> 00:02:26,537
And you've got to be honest
for all of us tonight.

53
00:02:26,711 --> 00:02:28,887
This is an evening
about, uh, truths, okay?

54
00:02:29,671 --> 00:02:31,629
Uh, you fight from time to time?

55
00:02:31,803 --> 00:02:32,978
-[Diana] Yes.
-Let's talk about that.

56
00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:34,719
[audience laughs]

57
00:02:35,459 --> 00:02:36,852
Let's talk about that.

58
00:02:37,026 --> 00:02:39,724
And when you fight,
uh... [sighs heavily]

59
00:02:39,898 --> 00:02:41,552
...your fights escalate?

60
00:02:42,204 --> 00:02:43,989
Or do they stay pretty,
like even keel,
where it's just kind of, like...

61
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:46,601
-[ridiculed teasing]
-That's me.

62
00:02:46,775 --> 00:02:48,690
Right? But is it, you know,
sometimes, you get like, uh...

63
00:02:48,864 --> 00:02:50,213
I got a neighbor,
like, right over here.

64
00:02:50,387 --> 00:02:52,215
-And, man, she's a bitch.
-[audience laughs]

65
00:02:52,389 --> 00:02:54,522
She's probably listening
to the show right now.
"You're loud!"

66
00:02:55,305 --> 00:02:58,134
She's always fucking yapping.
She just wants to out yell.

67
00:02:58,874 --> 00:03:00,180
I didn't even invite her
to the show.

68
00:03:00,354 --> 00:03:01,964
[audience laughs]

69
00:03:02,138 --> 00:03:05,228
I'm kidding.
I'll bring you a meringue!

70
00:03:05,402 --> 00:03:06,882
[audience applauding]

71
00:03:07,056 --> 00:03:08,710
[Dane laughs]

72
00:03:08,884 --> 00:03:10,755
So I've been dealing
with a stalker.

73
00:03:15,064 --> 00:03:17,458
[coughs] Eh, it was legit, okay.

74
00:03:17,632 --> 00:03:21,897
I don't-- I cannot even fathom
how I found myself

75
00:03:22,071 --> 00:03:24,116
in this situation, but I did.

76
00:03:24,291 --> 00:03:29,513
I started getting, about
a year ago, thousands of, uh,
DMs on Instagram.

77
00:03:29,687 --> 00:03:31,863
You know, DMs? Your direct
messages, it's like texts

78
00:03:32,037 --> 00:03:35,432
that you can send to whoever
allows them to be accessed.

79
00:03:35,606 --> 00:03:38,043
And I always keep it open
to my fans, and people write me
stuff all the time.

80
00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:41,090
I love it.
Throw back a hello or whatever.

81
00:03:41,264 --> 00:03:44,572
Every once in a while,
I get stuff that's, uh,
little off-kilter.

82
00:03:44,746 --> 00:03:47,183
Somebody has a bleached asshole
picture, and they send it to me

83
00:03:47,357 --> 00:03:49,141
thinking I-- maybe that's
what I'm in the mood for.

84
00:03:49,316 --> 00:03:51,448
[audience laughs]

85
00:03:51,622 --> 00:03:54,408
[laughs]

86
00:03:55,887 --> 00:04:00,327
But I noticed about a year ago
that I started getting, um,

87
00:04:00,501 --> 00:04:04,505
thousands of messages
from this one woman's account,

88
00:04:04,679 --> 00:04:07,116
and when I really investigated,
I, I was like, "Oh, wow."

89
00:04:07,595 --> 00:04:10,598
I remember, I was sitting there,
I was like, "well,
she has sent me, uh, uh,

90
00:04:10,772 --> 00:04:13,165
a message every minute
of every day."

91
00:04:13,688 --> 00:04:15,690
Every minute. Oh, look.

92
00:04:15,864 --> 00:04:17,125
10:42 a.m.

93
00:04:17,300 --> 00:04:19,302
"Where you at...
[hoarsely] baby?"

94
00:04:19,476 --> 00:04:20,956
[scattered laughter]

95
00:04:21,130 --> 00:04:22,697
10:43 a.m.

96
00:04:22,871 --> 00:04:24,873
"Been looking
all over for you, baby."

97
00:04:25,047 --> 00:04:28,355
You know, baby with,
like, 15 As.
That's "baaby," by the way.

98
00:04:28,529 --> 00:04:30,313
But fuck it, that's not...

99
00:04:31,923 --> 00:04:32,750
[chuckles]

100
00:04:34,534 --> 00:04:38,278
And so, I would look,
and then finally, it was like,
you know, like,

101
00:04:38,452 --> 00:04:40,845
4:14 a.m., she would be,

102
00:04:41,019 --> 00:04:42,891
"Where the fuck are you,
Dane Cook?"

103
00:04:43,065 --> 00:04:44,675
[audience laughs]

104
00:04:44,849 --> 00:04:46,634
"I'm looking for Dane Cook."

105
00:04:46,808 --> 00:04:50,768
And they got increasingly more
and more off-kilter. Strange.

106
00:04:51,813 --> 00:04:53,815
So over the course of
a couple of weeks, they got, uh,

107
00:04:53,989 --> 00:04:55,686
then they were, like,
all capital letters,

108
00:04:55,860 --> 00:04:57,862
and then,
it just turned into like

109
00:04:58,036 --> 00:05:00,822
I couldn't even really make out
what she was getting at.

110
00:05:00,996 --> 00:05:03,085
And it just kept going on
like rambles and rambles.

111
00:05:03,259 --> 00:05:05,217
And I was sitting at lunch,
uh, with a friend,
and I finally said,

112
00:05:05,392 --> 00:05:08,220
"You've got to see all these--
every minute,"
and my buddy goes,

113
00:05:08,395 --> 00:05:10,875
"You-- she sent a video,"
and when I looked there,
she sent me a video.

114
00:05:11,659 --> 00:05:14,401
-And I was like,
"I got to know."
-[audience laughs]

115
00:05:14,575 --> 00:05:18,796
You know, sometimes
when you hit play on a video
before it catches the Wi-Fi,

116
00:05:18,970 --> 00:05:21,538
there's that moment where it's,
it's gotta find the signal.

117
00:05:21,712 --> 00:05:23,714
So whatever the video is,
it's just frozen on one still.

118
00:05:23,888 --> 00:05:25,847
It was her face,
and she was like this.

119
00:05:26,021 --> 00:05:27,675
[audience laughs]

120
00:05:28,937 --> 00:05:30,721
And it just stayed
like that for a second.

121
00:05:30,895 --> 00:05:33,420
And I want to be, again, really
straightforward about how I felt

122
00:05:33,594 --> 00:05:34,899
about everything
that I experienced.

123
00:05:35,073 --> 00:05:36,727
When I saw this video,

124
00:05:37,380 --> 00:05:40,731
-and I saw her face,
she was very, very ugly.
-[audience laughs]

125
00:05:40,905 --> 00:05:43,734
She had a horribly ugly
fucking face.

126
00:05:43,908 --> 00:05:46,258
-She looked like a rock
with makeup on.
-[audience laughs]

127
00:05:46,433 --> 00:05:48,957
And the video plays,
and she's screaming and pacing.

128
00:05:49,131 --> 00:05:50,784
She goes... [shouting]
"Where the fuck are you,
Dane Cook?

129
00:05:50,959 --> 00:05:52,308
I want to know
where Dane Cook is,

130
00:05:52,482 --> 00:05:54,397
and why the fuck you won't
call me back.

131
00:05:54,571 --> 00:05:56,181
[through clenched teeth]
You didn't fucking
call me back, Dane Cook."

132
00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:57,357
She's seething.

133
00:05:57,531 --> 00:05:59,359
She's spitting onto the camera.

134
00:05:59,533 --> 00:06:00,708
It's so fucking loud,

135
00:06:00,882 --> 00:06:02,231
screaming wherever she was.

136
00:06:02,405 --> 00:06:03,928
I know people must have been--
And she's,

137
00:06:04,102 --> 00:06:05,060
[clenched screaming]
"You didn't fucking call me!"

138
00:06:05,234 --> 00:06:06,366
And then it ends.

139
00:06:07,062 --> 00:06:08,890
[scattered laughter]

140
00:06:09,064 --> 00:06:11,545
I'm sitting there. I almost,
I was, like, I never had,

141
00:06:11,719 --> 00:06:13,634
had anybody yell at me
like this my whole life.

142
00:06:13,808 --> 00:06:18,116
I never had anybody
yell at me
and scream at me like that.

143
00:06:18,290 --> 00:06:19,640
It was so unsettling.

144
00:06:19,814 --> 00:06:22,382
And as I was trying
to really figure out

145
00:06:22,556 --> 00:06:24,471
what would have made
her so upset,

146
00:06:24,645 --> 00:06:26,342
I looked down.
She sent me another video.

147
00:06:26,516 --> 00:06:29,040
And in the second video, she was
crying, she was wiping tears.

148
00:06:29,214 --> 00:06:30,607
[sobbing] "This isn't me.

149
00:06:32,174 --> 00:06:34,655
This isn't me. This isn't us."
She said that.

150
00:06:34,829 --> 00:06:36,874
She said,
"This isn't me. This isn't us."

151
00:06:37,048 --> 00:06:38,659
[audience laughs]

152
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:40,965
And she just-- she was weeping.

153
00:06:41,618 --> 00:06:43,185
And she looks so sad.

154
00:06:43,359 --> 00:06:45,534
She looks so downtrodden,
she's... [imitates sobbing]

155
00:06:46,623 --> 00:06:49,452
It pulled you
into that same level of emotion.

156
00:06:49,626 --> 00:06:51,802
Right? I found myself-- You know
what? I'm gonna cry a lot.

157
00:06:51,976 --> 00:06:54,544
So the plane will go by.
So it'll be a lot of crying.
Wait till you watch this.

158
00:06:54,718 --> 00:06:56,590
-[airplane whirring]
-[fake weeping]

159
00:06:56,764 --> 00:06:58,635
-[audience laughs]
-[laughs]

160
00:06:59,984 --> 00:07:01,246
I can just see Marty,
my director.

161
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,335
He's going like this.
And if I stretch,

162
00:07:03,510 --> 00:07:07,165
let that fucking aircraft go by.
[fake sobbing]

163
00:07:07,339 --> 00:07:09,385
We'll just get some extra
crying, we'll cut around,
trust me.

164
00:07:09,559 --> 00:07:10,908
[fake sobbing]

165
00:07:11,082 --> 00:07:13,476
I did my best. I did my best.

166
00:07:13,650 --> 00:07:15,217
That's a callback
to Vicious Circle.

167
00:07:15,391 --> 00:07:16,218
-That's for you, Marty.
-[audience applauds]

168
00:07:16,392 --> 00:07:17,262
Okay, the plane's gone.

169
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:18,525
Let's keep going.

170
00:07:18,699 --> 00:07:19,569
Here we go.

171
00:07:20,352 --> 00:07:21,615
Anyway, [shushes]
shut up. Ready?

172
00:07:21,789 --> 00:07:23,312
[audience laughs]

173
00:07:23,486 --> 00:07:25,227
Do what you were doing
before. Okay?

174
00:07:25,967 --> 00:07:27,316
Get in that same mindset.

175
00:07:28,839 --> 00:07:30,406
[chuckles lightly]

176
00:07:30,580 --> 00:07:31,451
So... [chuckles]

177
00:07:32,669 --> 00:07:33,627
She was very sad.

178
00:07:33,801 --> 00:07:35,324
[audience laughs]

179
00:07:35,498 --> 00:07:37,935
And that in turn,
it made me emotional.

180
00:07:38,109 --> 00:07:40,634
So, and she was crying so hard
that I, I was almost mirroring.

181
00:07:40,808 --> 00:07:44,159
But I didn't know. I was, like,
I was watching like that.
I'm not crying.

182
00:07:44,332 --> 00:07:47,249
But something you know,
I'm, like, I'm in it with her.

183
00:07:47,945 --> 00:07:48,946
The video ends.

184
00:07:49,817 --> 00:07:52,515
Eleven minutes later,
she sends me another video,

185
00:07:52,689 --> 00:07:54,604
-and fuck, yes, I'm playing it.
-[audience laughs]

186
00:07:54,778 --> 00:07:56,737
I need to know what,
what emotion is next

187
00:07:56,911 --> 00:07:59,217
on the seven levels of grief
that I'm receiving.

188
00:07:59,391 --> 00:08:00,784
[audience laughs]

189
00:08:00,958 --> 00:08:03,091
When I hit play
on the third video,

190
00:08:03,265 --> 00:08:08,139
this woman who'd gone
from being so irate,
over-the-top furious anger

191
00:08:08,836 --> 00:08:12,927
to then being so despondent
and sullen and low,

192
00:08:13,101 --> 00:08:15,407
in the third video,
she was just staring...

193
00:08:17,366 --> 00:08:19,542
...just staring, just staring
into the cam-- Nothing!

194
00:08:19,716 --> 00:08:22,589
No emotions.
Staring and breathing
like the-- [inhales and exhales]

195
00:08:28,595 --> 00:08:30,597
And I'm watching and
I'm staring. I'm, I'm breathing
as well, I'm just--

196
00:08:30,771 --> 00:08:32,554
-[quick short breaths]
-[audience laughs]

197
00:08:37,081 --> 00:08:39,126
And then she did something
that I'll never not see.

198
00:08:39,301 --> 00:08:41,216
I'll never get this image

199
00:08:41,390 --> 00:08:43,347
out of my mind
for the rest of my life.

200
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,350
She looked a little bit closer
into the camera,

201
00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:46,830
and her eyes went a little wide,

202
00:08:47,352 --> 00:08:48,876
and then she ate almonds.

203
00:08:49,050 --> 00:08:51,705
[audience laughs]

204
00:08:51,879 --> 00:08:53,533
Oh, I watched
the whole fucking video.

205
00:08:54,316 --> 00:08:56,274
I was transfixed.
I actually counted,

206
00:08:56,448 --> 00:08:58,407
she put nine almonds.

207
00:08:58,886 --> 00:09:02,237
-Nine almonds in her mouth,
and then she never chewed.
-[audience laughs]

208
00:09:02,411 --> 00:09:04,544
Never chewed. I challenge you
to go home tonight,

209
00:09:04,718 --> 00:09:07,285
put nine goddamn almonds
in your mouth and don't chew.

210
00:09:07,459 --> 00:09:10,114
-What the fuck, lady?
-[audience laughs]

211
00:09:11,376 --> 00:09:12,464
[Dane chuckles lightly]

212
00:09:12,943 --> 00:09:15,946
The, the video ends,
and I, I didn't even know

213
00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:17,252
where I'm at with this.
I'm just like that,

214
00:09:17,426 --> 00:09:20,211
"Wow. This is all,
this is a very

215
00:09:20,385 --> 00:09:23,127
[inhales] strange individual."
But I wasn't scared.

216
00:09:23,301 --> 00:09:25,129
Why wasn't I scared? Because
part of me was like, you know,

217
00:09:25,303 --> 00:09:26,522
I was little concerned,
but I was like,

218
00:09:26,696 --> 00:09:28,045
"Ah, she doesn't know
where I am,

219
00:09:28,219 --> 00:09:29,481
and who knows
where she is in the world."

220
00:09:29,656 --> 00:09:30,831
And then a week later,
I get a video,

221
00:09:31,005 --> 00:09:33,050
and she's scanning
the LA skyline.

222
00:09:33,224 --> 00:09:34,748
[audience laughs]

223
00:09:34,922 --> 00:09:36,271
Scanning the whole skylight.

224
00:09:36,445 --> 00:09:38,186
And then, she slowly turns
to the camera,

225
00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:40,754
and she goes like this,
she goes "Getting close."

226
00:09:40,928 --> 00:09:42,625
-[audience exclaims]
-[woman] Oh, my God!

227
00:09:42,799 --> 00:09:44,671
Yeah. And I said to the camera,
"You fucking are.

228
00:09:44,845 --> 00:09:46,324
You are getting close.
I live here."

229
00:09:47,891 --> 00:09:49,719
And then, everything
switched up at that moment,

230
00:09:49,893 --> 00:09:52,026
And, and that's when,
I was, like, I'm being stalked.

231
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:53,288
I'm being hunted.

232
00:09:53,462 --> 00:09:55,159
[scattered laughter]

233
00:09:55,333 --> 00:09:56,726
I'm glad you can laugh, so...

234
00:09:56,900 --> 00:09:59,599
-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles]

235
00:10:00,512 --> 00:10:03,559
I, I, I honestly,
I was so screwed up by it.

236
00:10:03,733 --> 00:10:05,605
And then, I remember
a couple of nights later,

237
00:10:05,779 --> 00:10:08,042
I, I had a night
where I was just gonna
come back to the place,

238
00:10:08,216 --> 00:10:10,827
and, and I was gonna like,
you know, I'm just gonna
try to relax,

239
00:10:11,001 --> 00:10:12,829
I'm, I'm not doing
any shows locally tonight,

240
00:10:13,003 --> 00:10:15,615
and I remember as I, I came up
around the corner,

241
00:10:15,789 --> 00:10:17,529
I was just about to go
into my garage,

242
00:10:17,704 --> 00:10:20,663
and then I see a car parked
right in front of my house.

243
00:10:21,446 --> 00:10:22,926
And I say out loud
to myself, I go,

244
00:10:23,100 --> 00:10:24,841
"That car doesn't belong
in this neighborhood."

245
00:10:25,015 --> 00:10:26,234
[scattered laughter]

246
00:10:26,408 --> 00:10:27,670
"What is that, an 08?"

247
00:10:27,844 --> 00:10:29,411
[audience laughs]

248
00:10:32,544 --> 00:10:33,676
[chuckles]

249
00:10:34,198 --> 00:10:35,722
No! I knew it was her,
and I was terrified.

250
00:10:35,896 --> 00:10:37,724
So what did I do?
I drove into my garage,

251
00:10:37,898 --> 00:10:40,857
the fastest you can legally
drive into your own garage.

252
00:10:41,031 --> 00:10:42,163
And then I ran up
into the house,

253
00:10:42,337 --> 00:10:43,251
and I remember as I ran up,

254
00:10:43,425 --> 00:10:45,514
I, I checked the DMs.

255
00:10:45,688 --> 00:10:48,212
And she was already
sending me messages
from outside of the house.

256
00:10:48,386 --> 00:10:50,127
She goes, like, "I saw you go
in your fucking garage.

257
00:10:50,301 --> 00:10:52,564
You need to come outside
right now. Bring me a banana!"

258
00:10:52,739 --> 00:10:54,218
[audience laughs]

259
00:10:54,392 --> 00:10:56,264
Oh, yeah.
Demanding fruit immediately.

260
00:10:57,744 --> 00:10:59,180
This crazy ugly lady.

261
00:11:01,051 --> 00:11:03,880
Then I have a camera
at my front door,
so I checked the screen.

262
00:11:04,054 --> 00:11:05,621
When I checked,
she was in the street,

263
00:11:05,795 --> 00:11:07,623
and she was walking
back and forth.

264
00:11:08,363 --> 00:11:09,799
And she was staring up
at my house,

265
00:11:09,973 --> 00:11:11,453
like she wanted to fight
my house.

266
00:11:11,627 --> 00:11:13,498
[audience laughs]

267
00:11:14,761 --> 00:11:16,414
So I'm... [sighs]
I'm kerfuffle at this fuck,

268
00:11:16,588 --> 00:11:17,589
I don't know.

269
00:11:18,373 --> 00:11:20,505
You have to understand
I've never had anything

270
00:11:21,202 --> 00:11:23,639
like this happening for the rest
of the night. I, I--

271
00:11:24,596 --> 00:11:27,948
I was just so concerned,
and I kept hoping
she would just go away.

272
00:11:28,122 --> 00:11:29,819
Every time I'd look out there,
she was still there.

273
00:11:29,993 --> 00:11:31,299
Midnight, she's still there,

274
00:11:31,473 --> 00:11:33,040
and 2:00 in the morning,
she's still there.

275
00:11:33,214 --> 00:11:34,563
I'm in bed, I can't sleep.

276
00:11:35,477 --> 00:11:37,609
I'm in the bed.
I keep checking the DMs,

277
00:11:37,784 --> 00:11:40,134
and finally, at 2:30 a.m.,
she sends me a video.

278
00:11:41,309 --> 00:11:43,920
So I hit play,
I turned it all the way down.

279
00:11:44,094 --> 00:11:45,226
She's too close.

280
00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:46,880
[audience laughs]

281
00:11:47,054 --> 00:11:49,099
And she's standing
at my front door.

282
00:11:49,273 --> 00:11:51,101
She's standing with her back
against my door,

283
00:11:51,275 --> 00:11:54,191
and she looks into the camera,
and she said, almost inaudible.

284
00:11:54,365 --> 00:11:58,718
It was so... Just the slightest
half of a whisper.

285
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,418
[whispering]
"You made me do this."

286
00:12:04,201 --> 00:12:06,290
[audience exclaims]

287
00:12:06,464 --> 00:12:08,075
And then,
she looked a little closer.

288
00:12:08,858 --> 00:12:10,338
And she shaved
her fucking eyebrows...

289
00:12:10,512 --> 00:12:11,556
[audience groans]

290
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:12,688
...off.

291
00:12:13,210 --> 00:12:16,257
Yeah, she went...
[imitates trimmer]

292
00:12:18,825 --> 00:12:20,304
[chuckles]

293
00:12:20,478 --> 00:12:21,871
[audience laughs]

294
00:12:22,045 --> 00:12:24,831
[laughs] Both eyebrows off.

295
00:12:25,657 --> 00:12:27,398
Off. She looked
like a fucking goose.

296
00:12:27,572 --> 00:12:28,617
[audience laughs]

297
00:12:28,791 --> 00:12:30,358
Yeah, like a heinous goose

298
00:12:31,315 --> 00:12:32,273
at my door.

299
00:12:34,275 --> 00:12:35,580
And I'm...

300
00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:37,104
[sighs] I can't sleep.

301
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:39,671
I slept, like, a little bit,
and when I woke, woke up,

302
00:12:39,846 --> 00:12:41,935
I immediately looked at
the camera, she's still outside.

303
00:12:42,718 --> 00:12:44,938
We're gonna call this part
of the story "day two."

304
00:12:45,112 --> 00:12:47,070
[audience laughs]

305
00:12:47,244 --> 00:12:49,551
Day two,
she's out there all day.

306
00:12:50,247 --> 00:12:52,510
And I'm, like,
I, I, I didn't wanna leave.

307
00:12:53,990 --> 00:12:55,513
All of day two,

308
00:12:56,427 --> 00:12:59,126
my anxiety hits like, um...
[exhales]

309
00:12:59,300 --> 00:13:01,737
I never had anything like this
since I was, maybe, like a kid.

310
00:13:01,911 --> 00:13:04,348
I was really scared,
and yet at the same time,

311
00:13:04,522 --> 00:13:06,350
I was trying
to keep myself busy.

312
00:13:06,873 --> 00:13:09,223
Because I wanted to check
the DMs I kept, like,

313
00:13:09,397 --> 00:13:12,487
I just wanted to know, like,
what her mindset was.

314
00:13:12,661 --> 00:13:16,056
And so, I che--
And then, I finally had
to leave the phone.

315
00:13:16,230 --> 00:13:17,622
And just to go into
another room to just,

316
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:18,972
you know, try to have
a sandwich, or just,

317
00:13:19,146 --> 00:13:21,365
you know, do something
rudimentary.

318
00:13:21,539 --> 00:13:23,672
And then every once in a while,
I'd hear her outside go,

319
00:13:23,846 --> 00:13:25,630
[harshly] "Check your DMs!"

320
00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:27,589
[audience laughs]

321
00:13:27,763 --> 00:13:29,939
Yeah, so I would check my DMs.
And so would you.

322
00:13:30,113 --> 00:13:32,420
If somebody bellowed,
"Check your DMs,"
outside of your residence,

323
00:13:32,594 --> 00:13:34,509
you'd check your DMs, yes.

324
00:13:36,424 --> 00:13:37,338
[chuckles]

325
00:13:37,512 --> 00:13:39,253
All of day two, she's out there.

326
00:13:40,689 --> 00:13:42,038
Day three, I wake up.

327
00:13:42,909 --> 00:13:44,040
Still there.

328
00:13:44,693 --> 00:13:48,523
Called my friend, who's
a LAPD officer for 25 years.

329
00:13:49,089 --> 00:13:51,569
And I called him up, and I go,
"Hey, man, uh, uh, this is, uh,

330
00:13:51,743 --> 00:13:55,312
really disconcerting. I've never
experienced anything like this.

331
00:13:55,486 --> 00:13:58,315
He goes, "Hey, hey, hold on,
Dane Cook, do this. Ready?"

332
00:13:58,489 --> 00:14:01,362
He goes Dane Cook,
"Send me everything
that she has sent you.

333
00:14:01,536 --> 00:14:04,278
Send me, uh, videos,
screen captures,
whatever it is, send it over."

334
00:14:04,452 --> 00:14:05,845
So I did. I sent my cop friend

335
00:14:06,454 --> 00:14:07,672
everything she'd send me.

336
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,283
Forty minutes later,
he calls me back.

337
00:14:09,457 --> 00:14:10,937
Before I can even say "Hello,"

338
00:14:11,589 --> 00:14:14,592
he goes, "Hey, hey, hey, hey.
This is serious, man."

339
00:14:15,593 --> 00:14:18,727
-And I said, "I know. That's why
I reached out to you."
-[audience laughs]

340
00:14:18,901 --> 00:14:21,904
"That was, that was my notion.
You're corroborating my ideas.

341
00:14:22,078 --> 00:14:24,951
I did the detective sleuthing
on this end of the case. Copy?"

342
00:14:26,256 --> 00:14:29,172
He goes, "No, no,
you don't realize, man,
this is really, really bad."

343
00:14:29,956 --> 00:14:32,219
And I said, "Okay.
[nervous chuckle]
Well, it doesn't feel right.

344
00:14:32,393 --> 00:14:33,611
But how do you know
it's really, really bad?"

345
00:14:33,785 --> 00:14:35,352
He goes, "How do I know?

346
00:14:36,005 --> 00:14:38,442
-She shaved her fucking eyebrows
is how I know."
-[audience laughs]

347
00:14:38,616 --> 00:14:42,229
"I've been on the force
30 years. Once they shave
the eyebrows, that's it.

348
00:14:42,403 --> 00:14:44,840
That's the last bastion
of humanity, eyebrows.

349
00:14:45,014 --> 00:14:46,233
You've got a gun?"

350
00:14:47,495 --> 00:14:49,932
I said, "I don't have a gun."
He goes, "You need
a fucking gun, kid."

351
00:14:50,106 --> 00:14:51,629
[audience laughs]

352
00:14:51,803 --> 00:14:53,544
He goes, "You need a gun."
And then now I'm freaked.

353
00:14:53,718 --> 00:14:55,807
I'm, like, I didn't even know
where to-- [fumbling] Like, how?

354
00:14:56,373 --> 00:14:58,680
And I, so I said to him...
[fumbling] I come, I go and then
there's, uh, uh, like a permit,

355
00:14:58,854 --> 00:15:00,160
and there's a, a waiting period.

356
00:15:00,334 --> 00:15:01,465
He goes, "Hey, hey, hey, hey!

357
00:15:01,639 --> 00:15:03,206
-Fuck all that."
-[audience laughs]

358
00:15:03,380 --> 00:15:05,469
"Get on the Internet,
there's a ten-gauge shotgun

359
00:15:05,643 --> 00:15:07,950
you can have delivered to your
house in five and a half hours."

360
00:15:08,124 --> 00:15:11,780
-[woman] Oh, my God!
-Yeah, I was like,
"Send me the link, Officer."

361
00:15:11,954 --> 00:15:14,043
-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles]

362
00:15:15,218 --> 00:15:16,828
This is what he says.
He goes, "Now listen."

363
00:15:17,568 --> 00:15:19,483
He goes, "I want you
to get this shotgun."

364
00:15:19,657 --> 00:15:21,050
I'll never forget this.
And he goes,

365
00:15:21,529 --> 00:15:24,445
[sighs wearily] "I want you
to follow my exact protocol

366
00:15:25,228 --> 00:15:26,926
if you want this
to go your way."

367
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:32,192
-To which I replied, "I would
like for this to go my way."
-[audience laughs]

368
00:15:32,366 --> 00:15:34,281
"Can we just cover that aspect?

369
00:15:34,455 --> 00:15:37,023
And maybe not even look
at the part where
this doesn't go my way?"

370
00:15:38,502 --> 00:15:40,896
He goes, "Let's say,
for the first scenario,

371
00:15:41,070 --> 00:15:45,422
this woman, this strange lady
gets up on your property
from the front."

372
00:15:46,336 --> 00:15:48,773
He goes, "I want you to do this,
and I want you to do it exact.

373
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:51,907
Stand in the doorway
about two and a half feet in
with a shotgun,

374
00:15:52,081 --> 00:15:54,562
and I want you to wait,
and I want you to let her come
towards you."

375
00:15:54,736 --> 00:15:55,867
[man]
Goddamn.

376
00:15:56,042 --> 00:15:57,521
-Fuck, yeah.
-[audience laughs]

377
00:15:58,740 --> 00:16:00,611
-Fuck, no.
-[audience laughs]

378
00:16:01,830 --> 00:16:03,353
[chuckles nervously]

379
00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:09,794
[clears throat]

380
00:16:11,492 --> 00:16:14,756
I said, "What am I supposed
to do in the interim?"

381
00:16:14,930 --> 00:16:16,627
He goes,
"If you forget everything else,

382
00:16:16,801 --> 00:16:19,108
I just want you to remember
one thing. Watch her feet,"

383
00:16:19,282 --> 00:16:20,675
is what the cop says.
"Watch her feet."

384
00:16:21,502 --> 00:16:23,286
I said, "Okay, I, I'll do that,
but why am I gonna--"

385
00:16:23,460 --> 00:16:25,027
He goes, "It doesn't matter,
just watch her feet.

386
00:16:25,201 --> 00:16:26,376
Every single time
her foot takes a step,

387
00:16:26,550 --> 00:16:28,117
I just want you
to watch the foot.

388
00:16:28,291 --> 00:16:29,901
I don't care if she's doing
crazy impersonations.

389
00:16:30,076 --> 00:16:32,382
Whatever she's doing,
whatever her antics are,

390
00:16:32,556 --> 00:16:34,819
I want you to watch her feet.
Every time a foot takes a step,

391
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:37,518
I want you to watch
that the foot."

392
00:16:38,475 --> 00:16:40,695
He goes, "Every time
one of her feet touches
one of the stairs on the porch,

393
00:16:40,869 --> 00:16:43,306
watch the foot touch the step.

394
00:16:44,351 --> 00:16:46,962
When she gets to the very
top step of the porch,

395
00:16:47,136 --> 00:16:48,877
I want you to shoot her
and fucking kill her."

396
00:16:49,051 --> 00:16:50,139
[man, aghast]
What?

397
00:16:50,922 --> 00:16:52,489
Yeah. And then he goes,
"Are you listening?"

398
00:16:52,663 --> 00:16:55,144
And I was like,
"I am only fucking listening."

399
00:16:55,318 --> 00:16:57,364
[audience laughs]

400
00:16:57,538 --> 00:16:59,931
Am I listening? No.
You're on speakerphone
and making Eggs Benedict,

401
00:17:00,106 --> 00:17:02,195
and I'm doing some salsa moves
that I learned in eighth grade.

402
00:17:02,369 --> 00:17:04,980
No, I'm fucking dialed in,
officer. Shoot to kill.

403
00:17:05,154 --> 00:17:06,329
Uh-huh. Copy.

404
00:17:07,896 --> 00:17:10,290
He goes, "Now this is
the important part,
right after you shoot her,

405
00:17:10,464 --> 00:17:13,249
before her body
even hits the ground, Dane Cook,

406
00:17:13,423 --> 00:17:14,903
I want you
to cock the gun again,

407
00:17:15,077 --> 00:17:16,470
and I want you to...
[imitates gunshot]

408
00:17:16,644 --> 00:17:17,949
...shoot into the ceiling.

409
00:17:18,646 --> 00:17:20,734
I said, "Shoot my own ceiling?"
He said, "Yes."

410
00:17:21,300 --> 00:17:22,998
I go, "I'll do that,
but why am I gonna do that?"

411
00:17:23,172 --> 00:17:25,305
He said, "When the police get
there, tell 'em she came at you,

412
00:17:25,479 --> 00:17:26,871
you fired a warning shot.

413
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:28,656
She kept coming,
you shot her and killed her."

414
00:17:28,830 --> 00:17:31,963
-[scattered gasps]
-[applause]

415
00:17:32,138 --> 00:17:34,314
L-A-P motherfucking D.

416
00:17:34,488 --> 00:17:35,402
[audience laughs]

417
00:17:35,967 --> 00:17:37,012
They are good at bad.

418
00:17:37,186 --> 00:17:39,232
[audience laughs]

419
00:17:43,279 --> 00:17:44,628
Fifteen days...

420
00:17:44,802 --> 00:17:45,803
[man]
No.

421
00:17:45,977 --> 00:17:47,718
-Yeah.
-[audience laughs]

422
00:17:47,892 --> 00:17:49,938
Fifteen days
she was outside of my house.

423
00:17:51,418 --> 00:17:54,421
And you're probably wondering
"What was life like for you,
Dane Cook, in those 15 days?"

424
00:17:55,161 --> 00:17:56,684
Man, I'll tell you
a couple things.

425
00:17:56,858 --> 00:17:58,947
I got very good at driving
in and out of my garage

426
00:17:59,121 --> 00:18:01,341
-at high rates of speed.
-[audience laughs]

427
00:18:01,515 --> 00:18:03,038
I'm, like, Olympic-level ready,

428
00:18:03,212 --> 00:18:05,649
if that's ever
a competitive thing.

429
00:18:05,823 --> 00:18:08,435
I actually know how high
the roof of my car is.

430
00:18:08,609 --> 00:18:10,263
And then, I put a sticker
right there in the garage door,

431
00:18:10,437 --> 00:18:11,481
so I didn't need to wait
for it to go all the way up,

432
00:18:11,655 --> 00:18:13,266
I could just fucking Batman in.

433
00:18:13,875 --> 00:18:15,964
And then I get in,
I hit the door,
and I'd watch it close,

434
00:18:16,138 --> 00:18:17,835
and you're scared, because
we've all seen the movie.

435
00:18:18,009 --> 00:18:19,359
Somebody slides
under the last minute!

436
00:18:19,533 --> 00:18:21,883
-You're gonna die now!
-[audience laughs]

437
00:18:22,057 --> 00:18:25,452
So you're just like this,
"Close. Close, close, close."
You're cheering for a door!

438
00:18:25,626 --> 00:18:27,932
-[audience laughs]
-"Close! Close! Close! Close!"

439
00:18:32,763 --> 00:18:33,938
Fifteen days.

440
00:18:34,591 --> 00:18:35,723
Day fifteen...

441
00:18:36,898 --> 00:18:38,682
...I come up around this corner,

442
00:18:38,856 --> 00:18:41,120
I'm just about to boogie into
the garage like I always did.

443
00:18:41,294 --> 00:18:43,296
I quickly look over,
and the car, gone.

444
00:18:44,514 --> 00:18:45,341
So I stop...

445
00:18:47,169 --> 00:18:48,475
...and I sat there for a second,

446
00:18:48,649 --> 00:18:51,434
and I remember, as I was,
uh, sitting there,

447
00:18:51,608 --> 00:18:53,741
I thought to myself,
"Maybe she moved," you know,

448
00:18:53,915 --> 00:18:56,352
"Maybe she's in a different
vantage point,

449
00:18:56,526 --> 00:18:58,311
looking at my property,
which is sprawling.

450
00:18:58,485 --> 00:19:00,661
[audience laughs]

451
00:19:00,835 --> 00:19:03,968
And, and so, I closed
the garage door,
and I had to know.

452
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:07,494
So I, I was driving around
my neighborhood
and I'm going block by block,

453
00:19:07,668 --> 00:19:10,236
-and I'm basically stalking
my stalker at this point.
-[audience laughs]

454
00:19:10,410 --> 00:19:13,282
I was like, "Where are you at...
[hoarsely] Baaby?"

455
00:19:13,456 --> 00:19:15,284
[audience laughs, applauds]

456
00:19:16,894 --> 00:19:18,896
[Dane]
And, and, and, uh,
nothing. Nothing.

457
00:19:19,070 --> 00:19:20,333
I can't find her.

458
00:19:20,507 --> 00:19:22,683
Then I finally
come into the house,

459
00:19:22,857 --> 00:19:25,381
and I checked the DMs. The DMs

460
00:19:25,555 --> 00:19:27,427
that had been so constant
for that year.

461
00:19:27,601 --> 00:19:28,515
And then, of course,

462
00:19:28,689 --> 00:19:30,212
over the 15 days, nothing.

463
00:19:30,865 --> 00:19:33,389
Everything stopped day 15.

464
00:19:34,651 --> 00:19:37,001
And I remember
I was in the house.

465
00:19:37,567 --> 00:19:40,440
And a couple hours later,
I looked at the screen thinking,
"She's gonna be back out there,

466
00:19:40,614 --> 00:19:42,050
or, like, she gonna be back
in her spot,

467
00:19:42,224 --> 00:19:43,704
and this is gonna go into
the whole thing again."

468
00:19:43,878 --> 00:19:45,358
And when I looked out there
a couple of hours later,

469
00:19:45,532 --> 00:19:46,750
still not there.

470
00:19:47,882 --> 00:19:50,363
Later on that night,
maybe 8:00, I walked over.

471
00:19:51,538 --> 00:19:53,975
Not there. No DMs.

472
00:19:54,149 --> 00:19:56,195
And it was at that point that
I remember I finally was like...

473
00:19:57,805 --> 00:20:00,286
-"Where did she go?"
-[scarce laughter]

474
00:20:00,460 --> 00:20:03,158
I mean, I hated when she was
out there, but at least I knew
where she was.

475
00:20:03,941 --> 00:20:06,379
This was a new kind of terror
that I was experiencing.

476
00:20:08,381 --> 00:20:09,512
Where'd she go?

477
00:20:09,686 --> 00:20:10,600
And then a couple hours later,

478
00:20:10,774 --> 00:20:12,254
I looked out there again,

479
00:20:12,428 --> 00:20:14,038
and I had another notion
unexpectedly.

480
00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:15,257
I was like, "Hm...

481
00:20:17,085 --> 00:20:17,999
...she's a quitter."

482
00:20:18,652 --> 00:20:20,610
[audience laughs]

483
00:20:21,655 --> 00:20:23,178
I have no respect for quitters.

484
00:20:23,744 --> 00:20:25,789
What a fucking loser to quit.

485
00:20:28,401 --> 00:20:29,445
And then I looked out
at midnight.

486
00:20:29,619 --> 00:20:31,317
My ego got involved.

487
00:20:31,969 --> 00:20:33,884
Yeah, I got strangely insecure.

488
00:20:34,058 --> 00:20:35,495
I remember looking out
there at midnight

489
00:20:35,669 --> 00:20:38,367
having this revelation.
I was like, "Oh, ho, ho!

490
00:20:38,933 --> 00:20:39,890
Okay."

491
00:20:40,064 --> 00:20:41,065
[chuckles]

492
00:20:41,805 --> 00:20:43,938
"Yeah, what is she
at Kevin Hart's house now?"

493
00:20:44,112 --> 00:20:45,983
[audience laughs]

494
00:20:51,946 --> 00:20:53,164
And then, nothing. Nothing!

495
00:20:53,817 --> 00:20:54,905
For the longest time.

496
00:20:55,384 --> 00:20:57,865
And what's so interesting
about us

497
00:20:58,039 --> 00:21:00,737
being here and this moment
that I wanted to

498
00:21:00,911 --> 00:21:02,173
capture this special,

499
00:21:02,348 --> 00:21:04,001
she wrote me a little letter.

500
00:21:04,175 --> 00:21:05,568
I mean, I thought,
when I saw the D--

501
00:21:05,742 --> 00:21:07,918
First of all, when I saw
that she had DMed me,

502
00:21:08,092 --> 00:21:11,270
when I saw the DM, I, I was, uh,
I was excited and terrified.

503
00:21:12,749 --> 00:21:14,969
[chuckles nervously]
And when I opened it up,

504
00:21:15,448 --> 00:21:17,711
I thought it was gonna be,
like, another weird blurb,

505
00:21:17,885 --> 00:21:20,931
and then that was gonna
turn into chaos,
and she'd be back out there.

506
00:21:21,105 --> 00:21:22,933
But when I opened it,
it was a long message.

507
00:21:23,499 --> 00:21:24,805
And so, I memorized it.

508
00:21:25,414 --> 00:21:28,199
Because I wanted to tell you
exactly what it said.

509
00:21:28,374 --> 00:21:31,594
Here's the letter she wrote
to me a few weeks ago.
It opens up and says, um,

510
00:21:31,768 --> 00:21:32,595
"Dane Cook."

511
00:21:34,945 --> 00:21:37,078
It says, um, [clicks tongue]

512
00:21:37,252 --> 00:21:38,079
"I felt

513
00:21:38,775 --> 00:21:40,429
a deep need,

514
00:21:41,169 --> 00:21:44,955
I felt a deep need
to reach out to you and explain
why I did what I did.

515
00:21:45,129 --> 00:21:49,569
I'm so truly embarrassed,
but I felt you need,
uh, an explanation."

516
00:21:50,961 --> 00:21:54,008
Then she went on to say, uh,
"I'm a schizophrenic.

517
00:21:54,835 --> 00:21:56,358
I went off my medication.

518
00:21:56,924 --> 00:21:59,100
And as part of my spin,

519
00:21:59,274 --> 00:22:01,015
I attached myself to you,

520
00:22:01,189 --> 00:22:04,323
and the idea of being with you,

521
00:22:04,888 --> 00:22:07,456
She said, "In truth,
I'm a big fan,
and I love your standup,

522
00:22:07,630 --> 00:22:09,240
and I've seen all your films
and, and television.

523
00:22:09,415 --> 00:22:10,894
I hear you have a big dick."

524
00:22:11,068 --> 00:22:12,722
[audience laughs]

525
00:22:12,896 --> 00:22:14,507
All right. I added that.
I added that.

526
00:22:14,681 --> 00:22:16,465
[audience laughs]

527
00:22:17,510 --> 00:22:20,904
[chuckles] Then she ended
the letter by saying,

528
00:22:21,078 --> 00:22:24,865
"I wish you nothing
but great success
in all your future endeavors.

529
00:22:25,039 --> 00:22:27,607
Love and light, Janice."

530
00:22:28,782 --> 00:22:30,044
"Love and light, Janice."

531
00:22:32,742 --> 00:22:36,180
You have to understand
something. I did not expect
closure with this situation.

532
00:22:36,355 --> 00:22:37,965
[audience laughs]

533
00:22:38,139 --> 00:22:41,185
But in that moment,
I felt such empathy.

534
00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:42,622
And I'm a sensitive guy,

535
00:22:42,796 --> 00:22:45,233
and I was almost
immediately responding.

536
00:22:45,407 --> 00:22:49,280
Yeah, I know that sounds wild,
but I was. I was just, uh,
I was enthused for her,

537
00:22:49,455 --> 00:22:51,587
and in that moment, what was
I saying? I was throwing
some things on there,

538
00:22:51,761 --> 00:22:54,111
I was like, I was saying,
like, "I'm so glad
that you caught this,

539
00:22:54,285 --> 00:22:56,549
and I'm sure
that your family is happy
that you're healthy and okay."

540
00:22:56,723 --> 00:22:59,987
And then I stopped myself,
and I was like,
"Wait, I got a fucking gun."

541
00:23:01,292 --> 00:23:03,860
I planned a murder,
and how to get away
with that murder

542
00:23:04,034 --> 00:23:05,906
absolutely in my favor.

543
00:23:07,647 --> 00:23:10,476
So this is what I did instead,
and I think you're gonna
appreciate this even more.

544
00:23:10,650 --> 00:23:12,782
I deleted everything
that I was gonna write to her,

545
00:23:12,956 --> 00:23:16,133
and all I did, I sent her
a video of me eating almonds.

546
00:23:16,307 --> 00:23:18,092
[audience laughs]

547
00:23:18,266 --> 00:23:21,008
[audience applauds, cheers]

548
00:23:21,182 --> 00:23:22,531
Uh, by the way, I'm in love.

549
00:23:22,705 --> 00:23:23,706
I just wanna, you know,
for the record,

550
00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:24,881
I'm deeply in love.

551
00:23:25,055 --> 00:23:26,622
[audience whooping, applauding]

552
00:23:28,668 --> 00:23:31,235
And for a lot of years,
I was, uh, just
a very lonely millionaire,

553
00:23:31,410 --> 00:23:32,759
and I did not know...

554
00:23:32,933 --> 00:23:33,934
[audience laughs]

555
00:23:35,152 --> 00:23:36,458
[chuckles]

556
00:23:37,111 --> 00:23:38,460
I would just be lost
in the world.

557
00:23:38,634 --> 00:23:40,462
Sometimes, I would
just drive my Lamborghini

558
00:23:40,636 --> 00:23:42,899
-somewhere and leave it,
'cause I was so...
-[audience laughs]

559
00:23:43,073 --> 00:23:45,598
...frightened, scared,
and alone. I didn't know
where I was going in the world.

560
00:23:46,686 --> 00:23:49,079
And then finally,
oh, my goodness,
I finally meet somebody.

561
00:23:49,253 --> 00:23:51,604
And here's the thing,
you wanna check five boxes
in a relationship.

562
00:23:51,778 --> 00:23:53,867
Five things!
If you meet somebody

563
00:23:54,041 --> 00:23:55,999
that offer up these five things,
don't let go.

564
00:23:56,173 --> 00:23:58,741
Hold on tight.
Hold on really tight,
koala bear tight.

565
00:23:58,915 --> 00:24:01,527
Mindful, thoughtful,
compassionate,
collaborative, and caring.

566
00:24:01,701 --> 00:24:03,398
That's what I have.
I'm so fortunate.

567
00:24:03,572 --> 00:24:05,008
And if you meet somebody
who's mindful, thoughtful,

568
00:24:05,182 --> 00:24:06,532
compassionate,
collaborative, and caring,

569
00:24:06,706 --> 00:24:08,272
don't fuck it up. Okay?

570
00:24:08,447 --> 00:24:10,100
And you know what?
I'm so happy in my relationship

571
00:24:10,274 --> 00:24:12,146
that I made a terrible mistake.

572
00:24:12,799 --> 00:24:14,844
I was so happy that I was like,
"You know what? I bet... [sighs]

573
00:24:15,497 --> 00:24:17,368
I bet the Internet's happy
for me. I should check.

574
00:24:17,543 --> 00:24:19,762
[audience laughs]

575
00:24:19,936 --> 00:24:24,332
Let me see what the Internet
is ra-- raring about
my relationship.

576
00:24:24,506 --> 00:24:26,116
And so... [sighs]

577
00:24:26,290 --> 00:24:27,553
I got a... [chuckles]

578
00:24:27,727 --> 00:24:29,163
I don't Google myself,
by the way, ever.

579
00:24:29,337 --> 00:24:30,904
I learned this lesson
a long time ago.

580
00:24:31,078 --> 00:24:32,819
And here's the thing,
if I do decide to google myself,

581
00:24:32,993 --> 00:24:33,994
it's 'cause
I'm already in a rut.

582
00:24:34,168 --> 00:24:35,212
And to me, googling myself

583
00:24:35,386 --> 00:24:36,779
is like cutting. Okay?

584
00:24:36,953 --> 00:24:39,521
[audience laughs]

585
00:24:39,695 --> 00:24:44,221
When I google myself,
I'm always like,
"Okay, I'm gonna cringe.

586
00:24:44,874 --> 00:24:46,441
This is not gonna be
easy to take,"

587
00:24:46,615 --> 00:24:48,835
but I kind of, I don't know,
I think I felt hopeful

588
00:24:49,009 --> 00:24:50,750
that the Internet would be like,
"Oh, wow, that's great.

589
00:24:50,924 --> 00:24:53,100
Dane Cook's happy,
and I'm happy that he's happy."

590
00:24:53,274 --> 00:24:56,799
And so I searched, and then,
right away, I was crestfallen.

591
00:24:56,973 --> 00:24:59,367
-[audience laughs]
-[chuckling]

592
00:24:59,541 --> 00:25:01,674
I should not have done this.

593
00:25:01,848 --> 00:25:04,851
Because the Internet
was saying some very,
very mean-spirited things.

594
00:25:05,025 --> 00:25:06,940
And if you're wondering,
like, "Why? What is,

595
00:25:07,114 --> 00:25:08,942
what is the problem
with, uh, my relationship?"

596
00:25:09,116 --> 00:25:12,206
Internet doesn't like it
because I'm 49,
my girlfriend's 23.

597
00:25:12,380 --> 00:25:15,688
-[man whooping]
-And the Internet was...
[hesitant scoffing]

598
00:25:16,253 --> 00:25:20,562
It was so, uh, it was so,
like, completely deranged

599
00:25:20,736 --> 00:25:22,433
some of the things people were
saying that I finally was like,
"You know what?

600
00:25:22,608 --> 00:25:24,131
I've got to talk
to my girlfriend about it,

601
00:25:24,305 --> 00:25:26,307
because I really wanna share
that I'm feeling this

602
00:25:26,481 --> 00:25:28,135
overwhelmingly
depressed feeling."

603
00:25:28,309 --> 00:25:29,832
So finally, we sat down
in the kitchen.

604
00:25:30,006 --> 00:25:31,660
She was doing her homework,
and I said to her...

605
00:25:31,834 --> 00:25:32,835
[audience laughs]

606
00:25:33,009 --> 00:25:34,924
...I said, "Bedtime soon, beddy.

607
00:25:35,621 --> 00:25:37,318
Let's talk before bed bed."

608
00:25:37,492 --> 00:25:39,538
-[audience laughs]
-[laughs]

609
00:25:42,802 --> 00:25:44,586
I said, "Baby, I love you."

610
00:25:44,760 --> 00:25:46,501
And she said, "Aw, babe,
I love you. I love you."

611
00:25:46,675 --> 00:25:48,590
I said, "I love you so much."
And she, "I love you so much."

612
00:25:48,764 --> 00:25:50,374
We were being kind of cheesy.

613
00:25:50,549 --> 00:25:52,202
And then, I got emotional
and I said, you know, I said,

614
00:25:52,376 --> 00:25:54,030
"I'm so in love with you."
And I never said that

615
00:25:54,204 --> 00:25:55,858
to a woman in my entire life.

616
00:25:56,032 --> 00:25:57,599
I said, "I love you.
I love you, too."

617
00:25:57,773 --> 00:26:00,602
But I never told a woman,
"I am so in love with you."

618
00:26:00,776 --> 00:26:02,386
And she got
even more touched by this,

619
00:26:02,561 --> 00:26:04,171
and then I got
even a little sappier,

620
00:26:04,345 --> 00:26:05,825
and I said, "Where have
you been all my life?"

621
00:26:05,999 --> 00:26:07,609
And then I remembered
she wasn't alive

622
00:26:07,783 --> 00:26:09,393
-for the first 26 years of it.
-[audience laughs]

623
00:26:10,438 --> 00:26:13,397
[applause]

624
00:26:17,924 --> 00:26:19,186
[laughs]

625
00:26:20,013 --> 00:26:22,581
A guy last night,
during the taping,
a guy last night, he goes,

626
00:26:22,755 --> 00:26:24,800
"Oh, you're robbing the cradle."
And I was like, "Let's relax.

627
00:26:24,974 --> 00:26:26,889
She hasn't slept in a cradle
in, like, nine years."

628
00:26:27,063 --> 00:26:28,717
[audience laughs]

629
00:26:33,243 --> 00:26:34,244
[chuckles]

630
00:26:34,418 --> 00:26:35,898
I get very, uh,

631
00:26:36,072 --> 00:26:37,247
I get weird about weddings.

632
00:26:37,857 --> 00:26:39,206
There's something
about weddings.

633
00:26:39,380 --> 00:26:40,642
First of all, I don't do
a lot of impersonations.

634
00:26:40,816 --> 00:26:42,252
Can I do a very quick one
of all of you?

635
00:26:42,426 --> 00:26:43,863
-I could do all of you at once.
-[man whoops]

636
00:26:44,037 --> 00:26:45,560
Ready? This is anybody here

637
00:26:45,734 --> 00:26:48,345
getting a wedding invitation
in the mail. Ready?

638
00:26:48,519 --> 00:26:49,390
"Fuck."

639
00:26:49,564 --> 00:26:50,652
[audience laughs]

640
00:26:50,826 --> 00:26:52,393
[applause]

641
00:26:53,612 --> 00:26:54,874
"When is it?"

642
00:26:55,570 --> 00:26:56,919
You didn't even look
at who, when. When?

643
00:26:57,093 --> 00:26:59,313
"What weekend have you
stolen from me?

644
00:26:59,792 --> 00:27:02,185
[shouts]
July third! That's great.

645
00:27:02,359 --> 00:27:04,927
July third. Where is it?
Yosemite National Park?

646
00:27:05,101 --> 00:27:06,886
Outside wedding. July third.

647
00:27:07,060 --> 00:27:10,106
-That's not gonna be
hot as balls."
-[audience laughs]

648
00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:11,455
Then you don't even know
who's getting married,

649
00:27:11,630 --> 00:27:13,022
'cause I don't speak
calligraphy.

650
00:27:13,196 --> 00:27:15,634
What the fuck? Is that a K, a Q?

651
00:27:17,113 --> 00:27:19,507
-Who is this?
-[audience laughs]

652
00:27:19,681 --> 00:27:20,813
[chuckles]

653
00:27:21,378 --> 00:27:23,119
Right, and then you go.
Here's the thing. I--

654
00:27:23,293 --> 00:27:25,731
There's a lot of things that--
you go to the, uh, wedding,

655
00:27:25,905 --> 00:27:28,168
and I-- there's certain things
I don't understand.

656
00:27:28,342 --> 00:27:30,344
First of all, the bride
and the groom, I don't like
the way, they-- [sighs]

657
00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:34,304
I hate the way the priest is,
is standing between them,

658
00:27:34,783 --> 00:27:36,872
and he's being cryptic.
He's saying all the right--

659
00:27:37,046 --> 00:27:39,222
-"Do you? Do you?"
-[audience laughs]

660
00:27:39,745 --> 00:27:41,398
"Say what I say." "No, you say."

661
00:27:45,315 --> 00:27:46,186
[chuckles]

662
00:27:46,708 --> 00:27:48,841
And then, oh, my goodness, vows.

663
00:27:49,015 --> 00:27:50,581
This always gets me, the vows.

664
00:27:51,278 --> 00:27:54,237
They're gonna vow things to each
other in front of everybody.

665
00:27:54,411 --> 00:27:59,025
-Okay? Vows. You can't even
keep promises to yourself.
-[audience laughs]

666
00:27:59,199 --> 00:28:02,463
You've been saying
you're gonna lose 15 lbs
for eight years.

667
00:28:03,159 --> 00:28:06,249
And now you're gonna vow to keep
their bullshit dreams afloat.

668
00:28:06,423 --> 00:28:08,164
[audience laughs]

669
00:28:09,209 --> 00:28:11,428
[laughs]

670
00:28:13,300 --> 00:28:14,997
And then the vows.
Here's something about the vows,

671
00:28:15,171 --> 00:28:17,260
they're vowing, and then
all of a sudden, for no reason,

672
00:28:17,434 --> 00:28:19,045
there's like old English
in the vows, right?

673
00:28:19,219 --> 00:28:21,482
"Thus onto mine eyes, doth I..."

674
00:28:21,656 --> 00:28:24,224
-Are we burning a witch?
What the fuck just happened?
-[audience laughs]

675
00:28:24,398 --> 00:28:26,530
What is this language?
This code?

676
00:28:30,317 --> 00:28:31,144
[chuckles]

677
00:28:32,319 --> 00:28:33,929
Here's how you know
you resent having

678
00:28:34,103 --> 00:28:36,410
to go to the wedding
in the first place.

679
00:28:36,584 --> 00:28:38,804
When the bride and groom, when
they come out of the church,

680
00:28:38,978 --> 00:28:40,719
if you throw
your rice like this,

681
00:28:40,893 --> 00:28:41,632
[exclaims angrily]

682
00:28:41,807 --> 00:28:43,156
[audience laughs]

683
00:28:45,941 --> 00:28:48,422
[laughs] You huck that rice
at their eyes.

684
00:28:48,596 --> 00:28:50,598
[audience laughs]

685
00:28:50,772 --> 00:28:52,600
Here's a fun little prank
that you can do. Ready?

686
00:28:52,774 --> 00:28:54,820
Stand behind everybody
outside of the church, right.

687
00:28:54,994 --> 00:28:57,083
Just be like one of the last
people, at the very back,

688
00:28:57,257 --> 00:28:59,085
and then, uh, when
the bride and groom come out,

689
00:28:59,259 --> 00:29:00,695
everybody's all happy
and jovial.

690
00:29:00,869 --> 00:29:02,784
Just not very loud,
but just loud enough

691
00:29:02,958 --> 00:29:04,438
that, you know, they hear it.
Just yell,

692
00:29:04,612 --> 00:29:05,569
"Fuck you!"

693
00:29:05,744 --> 00:29:07,658
[audience laughs, applauds]

694
00:29:09,748 --> 00:29:13,142
The reason I wanted to share

695
00:29:13,316 --> 00:29:16,580
this, uh, this evening
with everybody is because

696
00:29:16,755 --> 00:29:18,669
I feel like, um,

697
00:29:18,844 --> 00:29:21,716
I'm always looking for
that visceral reaction.

698
00:29:21,890 --> 00:29:25,502
Any time I'm watching
something on television,

699
00:29:25,676 --> 00:29:30,246
I'm waiting for that moment
where you, you have that moment
where you emote to nobody.

700
00:29:30,420 --> 00:29:33,162
That's when you know something
very, very cool is happening.

701
00:29:33,336 --> 00:29:35,077
When you're sitting alone,

702
00:29:35,251 --> 00:29:37,036
and something happens
on a program,

703
00:29:37,210 --> 00:29:39,429
-and you look at nobody...
-[audience laughs]

704
00:29:39,603 --> 00:29:41,997
...and you're like,
"This is fucking-- I'm alone.

705
00:29:42,171 --> 00:29:43,651
-I, I wish I had people."
-[applause]

706
00:29:43,825 --> 00:29:44,913
"This is..."

707
00:29:47,524 --> 00:29:50,397
I had, uh,
I had a visceral reaction

708
00:29:50,571 --> 00:29:53,792
to something that I thought
was just so cool and unique.

709
00:29:53,966 --> 00:29:55,402
And if you happen to catch this,

710
00:29:55,576 --> 00:29:57,447
I think you would agree
with me that it was

711
00:29:57,621 --> 00:29:59,580
one of the most, uh,
unbelievable moments

712
00:29:59,754 --> 00:30:02,017
that I, I've seen captured
on television in years.

713
00:30:02,191 --> 00:30:04,672
It was one of those shows,
like, uh, 20/20.

714
00:30:04,846 --> 00:30:08,023
The, the producers
had a husband and a wife,

715
00:30:08,197 --> 00:30:10,547
and they were sitting
on a couch,

716
00:30:10,721 --> 00:30:14,116
and the producer just wanted
the wife, she had a shoe box
of old photos,

717
00:30:14,290 --> 00:30:17,076
they wanted her to take
some, uh, pictures out.

718
00:30:17,250 --> 00:30:18,860
And she would look and she would
smile at some pictures.

719
00:30:19,034 --> 00:30:20,470
She would look at her husband

720
00:30:20,644 --> 00:30:22,342
and they would, you know,
check the photos of--

721
00:30:22,516 --> 00:30:24,779
Like, ten seconds
of togetherness is really
all they needed.

722
00:30:24,953 --> 00:30:27,564
The camera would slowly pan by,

723
00:30:27,738 --> 00:30:29,436
and the narrator would give us
a little backstory

724
00:30:29,610 --> 00:30:31,830
on the couple
that we're about to meet,

725
00:30:32,004 --> 00:30:34,441
and then this is what ended up
happening, and they,

726
00:30:34,615 --> 00:30:36,573
the cameras were rolling,
mics were on.

727
00:30:36,747 --> 00:30:39,620
She reaches into the shoebox,
she grabs, like, 40 pictures.

728
00:30:40,186 --> 00:30:42,362
She starts rifling through.
She grabs one.

729
00:30:42,536 --> 00:30:44,233
She's very excited.
She drops the rest,

730
00:30:44,407 --> 00:30:45,887
and she launches
into a little tirade.

731
00:30:46,061 --> 00:30:48,324
She goes, "Oh, this--
I love this. This is...

732
00:30:48,498 --> 00:30:50,805
This is one of my favorite
memories of all times.

733
00:30:50,979 --> 00:30:53,373
This is me
when I was four years old,

734
00:30:53,547 --> 00:30:56,289
I went to Disney World
with my family,
my mom, my dad, myself.

735
00:30:56,463 --> 00:30:58,378
We had an amazing
bonding experience."

736
00:30:58,552 --> 00:31:01,642
And she was so effervescent
and excited about the picture

737
00:31:01,816 --> 00:31:04,471
that you couldn't help
but feel that same enthusiasm.

738
00:31:04,645 --> 00:31:07,822
In fact, the cameraman was
slowly moving towards her

739
00:31:07,996 --> 00:31:10,607
because she was on this
bubbly little tangent,

740
00:31:10,781 --> 00:31:13,132
and it happened very quickly.
As they got closer and closer,

741
00:31:13,306 --> 00:31:16,613
-her husband's head
came into the frame.
-[audience laughs]

742
00:31:16,787 --> 00:31:19,921
All you saw was
one incredulous eye.

743
00:31:20,748 --> 00:31:22,924
And it was unsettling.
She didn't know yet.

744
00:31:23,098 --> 00:31:25,187
And then, without even asking
his wife's permission,

745
00:31:25,361 --> 00:31:28,799
he just snatched
the photo out of her hand,
and, and she was startled.

746
00:31:28,974 --> 00:31:31,454
And then the cameraman didn't
know where the picture went,

747
00:31:31,628 --> 00:31:33,152
so he was trying to land on it.
And when it finally did,

748
00:31:33,326 --> 00:31:35,502
the guy was staring
at the photo.

749
00:31:35,676 --> 00:31:37,634
And then he swore on the show,
and they had to beep it.

750
00:31:37,808 --> 00:31:40,942
He goes, "Holy shit!"

751
00:31:41,856 --> 00:31:44,903
And his wife goes, "Babe, what?"
He goes, "What?

752
00:31:46,078 --> 00:31:49,168
I went to Disney World
with my family
when I was four years old.

753
00:31:49,342 --> 00:31:51,779
I'm standing right
next to you in this picture."

754
00:31:51,953 --> 00:31:53,259
[scattered gasps]

755
00:31:53,433 --> 00:31:55,000
And they showed
the picture close up,

756
00:31:55,174 --> 00:31:57,393
and they were literally standing
shoulder to shoulder.

757
00:31:57,567 --> 00:32:01,006
Both kids were in line
waiting for the same ride
with their families,

758
00:32:01,180 --> 00:32:03,312
and they were
all crunched together,
and they were cheesing out.

759
00:32:03,486 --> 00:32:05,924
And they took the picture,
and they go the wrong way
for 28 years,

760
00:32:06,098 --> 00:32:08,752
meet, get married, find out
they have a picture together

761
00:32:08,927 --> 00:32:10,841
-when they were little kids.
-[scattered aw-ing, applause]

762
00:32:11,016 --> 00:32:13,235
-I'm glad six of you
appreciate that. Yeah.
-[audience laughs]

763
00:32:13,409 --> 00:32:14,889
And the rest of you are what?
Sociopaths?

764
00:32:15,063 --> 00:32:16,412
What are you?
You're all looking,

765
00:32:16,586 --> 00:32:18,501
"Give me something else, Dane.
I feel nothing."

766
00:32:18,675 --> 00:32:20,808
-[audience laughs]
-[man whoops]

767
00:32:20,982 --> 00:32:22,505
Let me qualify it for everybody

768
00:32:22,679 --> 00:32:24,507
who may not really understand
the weight of that.

769
00:32:24,681 --> 00:32:27,815
The only thing that would have
made that moment more dynamic

770
00:32:27,989 --> 00:32:31,732
and uncanny and incredible
is if that couple,
right after that interview,

771
00:32:31,906 --> 00:32:33,255
if they were murdered.

772
00:32:33,429 --> 00:32:35,257
[audience laughs]

773
00:32:37,129 --> 00:32:40,306
If they were brutally,
brutally murdered.

774
00:32:41,568 --> 00:32:44,179
And the guy that killed them
was also in the picture...

775
00:32:44,353 --> 00:32:46,834
-[audience laughs]
-[scattered applause]

776
00:32:47,922 --> 00:32:49,358
...when he was four years old.

777
00:32:53,449 --> 00:32:54,276
[laughs]

778
00:32:56,278 --> 00:32:57,149
I love crime.

779
00:32:58,019 --> 00:32:59,629
[audience whooping]

780
00:32:59,803 --> 00:33:01,457
I love it.
I can't stop with the, uh...

781
00:33:02,371 --> 00:33:04,373
...Citizen app.
I'm always on the Citizen app.

782
00:33:05,461 --> 00:33:07,333
-[woman laughs]
-Citizen app for anybody
who doesn't know.

783
00:33:07,507 --> 00:33:08,856
So the Citizen app, you can, uh,

784
00:33:09,030 --> 00:33:11,119
download it, and then
it knows your,

785
00:33:11,293 --> 00:33:13,904
it knows your GPS coordinates,
knows where you're at.
[clicks tongue]

786
00:33:14,079 --> 00:33:17,343
And from time to time,
it will send you updates.

787
00:33:17,517 --> 00:33:18,692
But they're not delightful.

788
00:33:18,866 --> 00:33:20,389
[audience laughs]

789
00:33:20,563 --> 00:33:22,174
[chuckles]

790
00:33:22,348 --> 00:33:24,437
The updates are
quite nefarious, right?

791
00:33:24,611 --> 00:33:26,352
And not only do
they send an update,

792
00:33:26,526 --> 00:33:30,182
they send how far away whatever
is happening is happening.

793
00:33:30,356 --> 00:33:32,488
Couple of nights ago,
I'm sitting, watching TV,
I get an update.

794
00:33:32,662 --> 00:33:35,622
I looked down, 0.04 miles away.

795
00:33:35,796 --> 00:33:37,798
Woman brandishing dagger."

796
00:33:37,972 --> 00:33:39,713
[audience laughs]

797
00:33:41,106 --> 00:33:44,109
Let's talk about this
for a second. First of all,
what the fuck is brandishing?

798
00:33:44,283 --> 00:33:45,632
[audience laughs]

799
00:33:45,806 --> 00:33:46,807
I feel, like,
it's like threatening,

800
00:33:46,981 --> 00:33:48,722
but with dance involved, right.

801
00:33:49,288 --> 00:33:51,725
[hoarsely] "I'm brandishing
and will kill you."

802
00:33:53,770 --> 00:33:56,991
Point-oh-four miles away.
I was like, "Fuck, I could
probably get down there."

803
00:33:57,165 --> 00:33:59,254
[audience laughs]

804
00:33:59,428 --> 00:34:00,647
[laughs]

805
00:34:01,909 --> 00:34:04,477
I love it. They were doing
the updates, uh,
it was on the news, too.

806
00:34:04,651 --> 00:34:08,742
You can see the,
the smash-and-grab gang.
You saw them, right?

807
00:34:09,569 --> 00:34:11,614
There's 20 of them.
They all had hammers,

808
00:34:11,788 --> 00:34:13,833
and apparently,
they all got together,

809
00:34:14,007 --> 00:34:16,097
and they were like, "Hey,
let's just rob everything,"
all the time."

810
00:34:16,271 --> 00:34:17,880
[audience laughs]

811
00:34:18,056 --> 00:34:19,753
And so, it started
a few months ago.

812
00:34:19,927 --> 00:34:21,536
The first thing that they did
is they took their,

813
00:34:21,710 --> 00:34:23,757
they took their hammers,
and they went to,

814
00:34:23,931 --> 00:34:27,108
I think the first place that
they hit was, uh, Nordstrom's.

815
00:34:27,848 --> 00:34:29,589
Right? And you saw the footage.
They all ran up,

816
00:34:29,763 --> 00:34:31,982
and they smashed
the plate glass window.

817
00:34:32,157 --> 00:34:34,289
And then you see them all.
They just run through the store,

818
00:34:34,463 --> 00:34:36,552
and they're grabbing everything
that they can. And then they--

819
00:34:36,726 --> 00:34:38,380
By the way, never even try
anything on, right?

820
00:34:38,554 --> 00:34:41,034
-They're just so brazen.
-[audience laughs]

821
00:34:41,208 --> 00:34:44,168
Imagine you get home and you're,
like, "Nothing fits me."

822
00:34:44,342 --> 00:34:45,605
[audience laughs]

823
00:34:45,779 --> 00:34:47,650
"I ran through
the kids' aisle, fuck!

824
00:34:48,911 --> 00:34:50,391
I can't believe this."

825
00:34:51,915 --> 00:34:56,746
I've always loved,
I, I just I'm fascinated with,
uh, criminals and crime.

826
00:34:56,920 --> 00:35:00,141
It's always been the stuff
that I'm most interested, like,
You can't not watch Dateline.

827
00:35:00,315 --> 00:35:03,275
Datelineto this day...
Is there anything better than a,

828
00:35:03,449 --> 00:35:06,104
a brand new episode of Dateline?
I don't think there is.

829
00:35:06,843 --> 00:35:09,585
-[man whoops]
-Right? When you're sitting
down, and you, you start--

830
00:35:09,759 --> 00:35:12,893
First of all, Dateline.
even if you're not planning
on watching Dateline,

831
00:35:13,067 --> 00:35:15,678
-you're gonna end up
watching Dateline.
-[audience laughs]

832
00:35:15,852 --> 00:35:18,333
Okay, 'cause there's
a couple of things
that Dateline--very crafty,

833
00:35:18,507 --> 00:35:20,074
that Datelineknows how to do.

834
00:35:20,640 --> 00:35:22,337
First of all,
when the show starts,

835
00:35:22,511 --> 00:35:24,470
the moment... [chuckles]
Datelinebegins

836
00:35:24,644 --> 00:35:27,125
coming out of
whatever commercial,
they show blood right away.

837
00:35:27,299 --> 00:35:28,517
-[audience laughs]
-Right?

838
00:35:28,691 --> 00:35:30,389
They show, they show
smears of blood,

839
00:35:30,563 --> 00:35:32,913
they show flashes of blood,
splats of blood,

840
00:35:33,087 --> 00:35:35,002
and then the narrator
jumps in almost as quickly.

841
00:35:35,176 --> 00:35:36,743
-"There was blood everywhere."
-[audience laughs]

842
00:35:36,917 --> 00:35:40,050
"Blood on the walls,
blood on the floors,

843
00:35:40,225 --> 00:35:43,619
-blood on the family dog."
-[audience laughs]

844
00:35:43,793 --> 00:35:45,665
And you're like,
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Blood on the dog? Wait a second.

845
00:35:45,839 --> 00:35:47,057
Hold up! Did the killer
pet the dog?

846
00:35:47,232 --> 00:35:49,147
Did the dog kill people? Wait!"

847
00:35:51,323 --> 00:35:53,977
And then what do they do next?
They pull you in
a little bit more

848
00:35:54,152 --> 00:35:57,111
by giving you a tidbit
of the salacious hour.

849
00:35:57,285 --> 00:35:58,721
you're about
to experience, right?

850
00:35:58,895 --> 00:36:01,681
"They were just married
three hours before."

851
00:36:02,899 --> 00:36:04,858
And you're like,
"Oh, shit, this is serious."

852
00:36:05,728 --> 00:36:07,774
And then they give
the entire episode a title.

853
00:36:07,948 --> 00:36:09,776
And the title's fucked up,
but perfect. "Tonight,

854
00:36:09,950 --> 00:36:14,172
I do know I do want to kill you.
Here's Lester Holt."

855
00:36:14,346 --> 00:36:16,217
[audience laughs, applauds]

856
00:36:16,391 --> 00:36:17,305
[chuckles]

857
00:36:22,397 --> 00:36:27,533
I love crime. Oh, my goodness.
I've watched so many thousands
of hours of courtroom dramas.

858
00:36:27,707 --> 00:36:30,579
I think I know how to represent
myself in a court of law,
and get away with it.

859
00:36:30,753 --> 00:36:32,233
-Absolutely. So come
along with me.
-[audience laughs]

860
00:36:32,407 --> 00:36:33,756
-Let's talk about that next.
Here we go.

861
00:36:33,930 --> 00:36:35,323
-First...
-[applause]

862
00:36:35,497 --> 00:36:38,065
Okay, listen,
it's not about guilt.

863
00:36:38,979 --> 00:36:41,808
It's not about innocent.
It's not about facts.

864
00:36:41,982 --> 00:36:44,637
it's not about yes or no,
or what was right and wro--

865
00:36:44,811 --> 00:36:46,856
It doe--
None of that matters, okay?

866
00:36:47,030 --> 00:36:50,947
The whole deal
of winning in court

867
00:36:51,121 --> 00:36:52,427
is charisma.

868
00:36:54,212 --> 00:36:56,736
That's the whole thing.
It's all about charisma.
I'm telling you right now,

869
00:36:56,910 --> 00:36:58,520
that's all you need to do
if you want to win the case.

870
00:36:58,694 --> 00:37:00,087
Ad there's a couple of things
that you could do

871
00:37:00,261 --> 00:37:02,524
to instantly get that jury.

872
00:37:02,698 --> 00:37:04,483
'Cause you just need
one person, one person,

873
00:37:05,005 --> 00:37:07,007
in that jury pool
to think you're a cool shit.

874
00:37:07,181 --> 00:37:08,400
[audience laughs]

875
00:37:08,574 --> 00:37:10,184
If you can't get one person

876
00:37:10,358 --> 00:37:12,186
to think that you're somebody
they wanna hang with,

877
00:37:12,360 --> 00:37:13,883
well, you should
go to fucking jail.

878
00:37:14,057 --> 00:37:15,972
[audience laughs]

879
00:37:16,886 --> 00:37:18,497
[chuckles]

880
00:37:18,671 --> 00:37:20,107
One person

881
00:37:20,803 --> 00:37:23,589
needs to come up with
some reasonable doubt. Okay?

882
00:37:23,763 --> 00:37:26,548
That's what we're looking
for here. And this is how
you're gonna get it.

883
00:37:26,722 --> 00:37:29,247
Ready? Very, very simple.
This is what you do.
You start off like this.

884
00:37:29,421 --> 00:37:31,858
First day, you're gonna win,
the first day. Okay?

885
00:37:32,032 --> 00:37:34,252
You're gonna dress up,
gussy up real nice,

886
00:37:34,426 --> 00:37:36,776
and then, you're going to, uh...

887
00:37:36,950 --> 00:37:38,995
You're gonna, uh, this is--
Juries love this. Ready?

888
00:37:39,169 --> 00:37:40,867
You're gonna pace
back and forth like this.

889
00:37:41,650 --> 00:37:42,912
Juries love this. Ready?

890
00:37:43,652 --> 00:37:46,176
[audience laughs]

891
00:37:47,439 --> 00:37:49,136
All right. See this little thing
that I'm doing with my finger?

892
00:37:49,310 --> 00:37:51,312
This is a little pantomime here.
You're gonna do this.

893
00:37:52,095 --> 00:37:53,793
If you ever represent yourself
in a court of law, do this.

894
00:37:53,967 --> 00:37:56,274
Pretend there's a tiny little
kitten on the end of your digit,

895
00:37:56,448 --> 00:37:58,276
-and you're petting it.
-[audience laughs]

896
00:38:01,844 --> 00:38:03,846
And all you're gonna do, ready?
Very sincerely,

897
00:38:04,020 --> 00:38:05,979
you're just gonna greet them,
that's all.

898
00:38:06,153 --> 00:38:07,763
You're gonna greet the jury.
You're just gonna
look at everybody.

899
00:38:07,937 --> 00:38:09,504
-"Hello."
-[audience laughs]

900
00:38:09,678 --> 00:38:10,505
"Good morning.

901
00:38:11,158 --> 00:38:12,594
Good morning, hi.

902
00:38:12,768 --> 00:38:13,682
Good morning."

903
00:38:14,379 --> 00:38:15,510
Right away,
somebody's sitting there going,

904
00:38:15,684 --> 00:38:16,685
"He wished me good morning."

905
00:38:16,859 --> 00:38:17,860
[audience laughs]

906
00:38:18,034 --> 00:38:19,253
"That made me feel really nice.

907
00:38:20,254 --> 00:38:21,864
I believe in this person."

908
00:38:22,604 --> 00:38:24,911
Now, if you're feeling already,
like, "Oh, wow, okay,

909
00:38:25,085 --> 00:38:27,957
I'm starting to feel
a genuine connection

910
00:38:28,131 --> 00:38:30,395
with this, uh, jury,
then you might want to go again.

911
00:38:30,569 --> 00:38:32,310
Don't push it. But you might
want to go with this next.

912
00:38:32,484 --> 00:38:34,050
You might want to go with, um...

913
00:38:34,224 --> 00:38:35,269
[clears throat]

914
00:38:35,835 --> 00:38:37,576
"Is anybody celebrating
a birthday today?"

915
00:38:37,750 --> 00:38:39,229
[audience laughs]

916
00:38:39,404 --> 00:38:40,883
[scattered clapping]

917
00:38:41,057 --> 00:38:42,798
"Next week? Happy birthday."

918
00:38:43,451 --> 00:38:46,062
Who doesn't love
to be wished happy birthday?

919
00:38:46,715 --> 00:38:48,021
"Happy birthday.
He wished me happy birthday.

920
00:38:48,195 --> 00:38:49,327
This guy didn't kill somebody."

921
00:38:49,501 --> 00:38:50,719
[audience laughs]

922
00:38:50,893 --> 00:38:52,373
"Cared about
my birthday greeting."

923
00:38:53,679 --> 00:38:55,420
This will work. Absolutely.

924
00:38:55,594 --> 00:38:56,986
Except for one condition.

925
00:38:57,160 --> 00:38:59,249
It will not work
if you're fucking ugly.

926
00:38:59,424 --> 00:39:00,729
[audience laughs]

927
00:39:00,903 --> 00:39:03,602
If you're ugly,
you are going to jail.

928
00:39:03,776 --> 00:39:05,952
Ugly people are guilty.

929
00:39:06,126 --> 00:39:07,301
[scattered clapping]

930
00:39:07,475 --> 00:39:09,390
If you have a cleft lip,
you're done.

931
00:39:09,564 --> 00:39:11,044
You're going to jail.

932
00:39:13,133 --> 00:39:15,440
But if you look good,
that's innocence right there.

933
00:39:16,963 --> 00:39:18,051
[laughs]

934
00:39:18,225 --> 00:39:19,748
[scattered laughter]

935
00:39:21,750 --> 00:39:25,275
There's certain things
that juries just really love.

936
00:39:25,450 --> 00:39:28,278
Here's something else
that they love. They love when
you point at them gently.

937
00:39:30,063 --> 00:39:31,369
Okay? You're going
to point at them gently.

938
00:39:34,241 --> 00:39:36,025
And then follow
your own hand out.

939
00:39:37,200 --> 00:39:40,465
And then you're just gonna ask
a very obvious question
about America.

940
00:39:40,943 --> 00:39:42,467
[audience laughs]

941
00:39:44,120 --> 00:39:45,905
Juries love this. Just like
this, you're gonna go...

942
00:39:46,079 --> 00:39:47,341
[inhales deeply]

943
00:39:47,515 --> 00:39:48,995
[exhales]

944
00:39:49,952 --> 00:39:52,825
"Do you want to live
in an America where Chick-fil-A
is closed on Sundays?"

945
00:39:52,999 --> 00:39:54,087
[audience laughs]

946
00:39:54,261 --> 00:39:56,306
"Because I sure don't. Justice."

947
00:39:56,481 --> 00:39:58,352
[applause]

948
00:39:58,526 --> 00:39:59,658
"Justice."

949
00:40:00,223 --> 00:40:01,442
"They can't hire some atheists

950
00:40:01,616 --> 00:40:02,965
to work the drive-through
on a Sunday?

951
00:40:03,139 --> 00:40:04,227
-[audience laughs]
-Come on!

952
00:40:04,402 --> 00:40:05,664
Justice.

953
00:40:05,838 --> 00:40:06,969
Justice."

954
00:40:09,450 --> 00:40:10,451
[Dane chuckles]

955
00:40:11,060 --> 00:40:12,235
I was, uh...

956
00:40:13,628 --> 00:40:17,937
I was asked one time
if I'd ever thought of, uh,

957
00:40:18,633 --> 00:40:19,504
quitting.

958
00:40:20,679 --> 00:40:23,246
You know, did it ever get,
uh, so severe,

959
00:40:23,421 --> 00:40:24,813
and was I ever in such a,

960
00:40:25,727 --> 00:40:26,641
you know,

961
00:40:26,815 --> 00:40:28,338
rut in stand up?

962
00:40:29,252 --> 00:40:30,950
'Cause, man, those formative
years are just...

963
00:40:31,124 --> 00:40:32,517
[sighs] Man.

964
00:40:32,691 --> 00:40:33,692
If I had to go back
and do it again,

965
00:40:33,866 --> 00:40:34,910
I just, I'd do brain surgery.

966
00:40:35,084 --> 00:40:35,911
It's like--

967
00:40:36,782 --> 00:40:39,001
It is just so, so hard.

968
00:40:40,307 --> 00:40:42,962
And somebody asked me,
he said, "Do you ever
think about quitting?"

969
00:40:43,136 --> 00:40:45,138
And I was like,
"Yeah! Yeah, I actually did."

970
00:40:45,312 --> 00:40:47,357
I did quit.
I only quit one time.

971
00:40:47,532 --> 00:40:50,360
In 31 years,
I only fucking quit once!

972
00:40:50,535 --> 00:40:51,797
[inhales sharply] Once.

973
00:40:51,971 --> 00:40:53,581
It was for 30 seconds.

974
00:40:54,800 --> 00:40:56,671
It was for 30 actual seconds.

975
00:40:56,845 --> 00:40:58,804
For 30 seconds,
I went to an alternate universe,

976
00:40:58,978 --> 00:41:00,806
and I was like, "That's my life,
and when I get home,

977
00:41:00,980 --> 00:41:02,242
I'm gonna do [gibberish]
and I'm changing.

978
00:41:02,416 --> 00:41:04,940
And I, I really committed
in that moment

979
00:41:05,550 --> 00:41:07,160
to letting go off the big dream.

980
00:41:07,334 --> 00:41:10,685
I was too scared. I, I,
I was too, you know, encumbered.

981
00:41:10,859 --> 00:41:14,036
I had just, so many, you know,
issues with anxiety and...

982
00:41:15,124 --> 00:41:19,781
But what brought me
to the moment of realizing that
I wasn't gonna keep it going

983
00:41:19,955 --> 00:41:22,392
is the moment that launched me
to everything,

984
00:41:22,567 --> 00:41:25,483
and then to standing right here

985
00:41:25,657 --> 00:41:28,311
wearing fucking sneakers
that are an homage to my mom,

986
00:41:28,486 --> 00:41:30,139
in my high school hoodie.

987
00:41:30,879 --> 00:41:32,098
Thirty seconds...

988
00:41:33,578 --> 00:41:34,970
...of complete failure.

989
00:41:35,667 --> 00:41:37,756
I got hired to do
a gig in Florida.

990
00:41:37,930 --> 00:41:40,106
I'd never been to Florida.
I was in Boston.

991
00:41:40,280 --> 00:41:42,412
My manager at the time
called me, he goes,
"You got a gig in Florida."

992
00:41:42,587 --> 00:41:45,198
-I said, "What the fuck?
Am I even funny in Florida?"
-[audience laughs]

993
00:41:45,372 --> 00:41:47,026
And he goes,
"Well, we're gonna find out.

994
00:41:47,200 --> 00:41:48,897
This guy saw you
at a local college gig.

995
00:41:49,071 --> 00:41:50,725
He wants you to come down,
and do a show."

996
00:41:50,899 --> 00:41:52,205
My heart's racing. I was like,

997
00:41:52,379 --> 00:41:54,337
"Wha-- Oh, wow,
I'm going on the road.

998
00:41:54,512 --> 00:41:57,079
This is where it starts.
Oh, my goodness."

999
00:41:57,253 --> 00:41:59,995
I said, "What, uh, wow.
Okay, so where am I going?"

1000
00:42:00,169 --> 00:42:02,084
He goes, "The name of the venue
is The Rathskeller."

1001
00:42:02,258 --> 00:42:04,913
I go, "The Rathskeller?
Wow, that sounds pretty gnarly."

1002
00:42:05,697 --> 00:42:08,134
I go, "Okay, when is it?"
He goes, "Well,
couple of things first."

1003
00:42:08,308 --> 00:42:09,396
He goes, "There's no money."

1004
00:42:09,570 --> 00:42:10,963
I said, "There's no money?"

1005
00:42:11,137 --> 00:42:13,879
He goes, "No,
there's no budget. Nothing."

1006
00:42:14,053 --> 00:42:16,621
I go, "What about a little bit
of scratch, maybe for
a Greyhound bus ticket

1007
00:42:16,795 --> 00:42:18,448
-or coach class?"
-[scattered laughter]

1008
00:42:18,623 --> 00:42:19,841
He goes,
"There's nothing at all.

1009
00:42:20,407 --> 00:42:21,364
Zero."

1010
00:42:21,539 --> 00:42:22,670
I said, "I'll do it."

1011
00:42:23,628 --> 00:42:24,846
Instantly. I was like,
"You know what?

1012
00:42:25,020 --> 00:42:27,022
The profit is exposure.
I'll do it."

1013
00:42:27,196 --> 00:42:28,850
He goes, "All right, good.
You're gonna start driving
right now.

1014
00:42:29,024 --> 00:42:30,156
The gig is tomorrow night."

1015
00:42:30,330 --> 00:42:31,679
[audience laughs]

1016
00:42:31,853 --> 00:42:33,420
Yeah. So I jumped
into my Chevy Cavalier,

1017
00:42:33,594 --> 00:42:35,117
I got out on 95 south.

1018
00:42:35,291 --> 00:42:37,467
I get down there, and the,
the guy that I'm meeting,

1019
00:42:37,642 --> 00:42:41,384
his name was Don.
I remember Don was standing
outside of The Rathskeller,

1020
00:42:41,559 --> 00:42:43,517
and he was smoking.
And as I came towards him,

1021
00:42:43,691 --> 00:42:45,867
for whatever reason,
he just flicked the cigarette
towards me,

1022
00:42:46,041 --> 00:42:47,869
and it fucking... [mimics speed]
rocked it right past me.

1023
00:42:48,043 --> 00:42:50,002
I was like, "Wow,
this dude is fucking cool."

1024
00:42:50,176 --> 00:42:51,438
[audience laughs]

1025
00:42:51,612 --> 00:42:52,613
I was like,
"Did you practice that?

1026
00:42:52,787 --> 00:42:54,441
That was fucking amazing."

1027
00:42:54,615 --> 00:42:56,399
And he blew all the smoke.
[blows]

1028
00:42:56,574 --> 00:42:58,619
He blew so much smoke,
and then he walked
through the smoke

1029
00:42:58,793 --> 00:43:01,230
-like Michael Jackson.
-[audience laughs]

1030
00:43:01,404 --> 00:43:03,363
I'd never seen anybody do
anything like that.

1031
00:43:03,537 --> 00:43:04,799
The only thing
that could have made it better

1032
00:43:04,973 --> 00:43:05,844
is if when he came
through the smoke,

1033
00:43:06,018 --> 00:43:06,932
a white tiger

1034
00:43:07,106 --> 00:43:08,542
fucking jumped out with him.

1035
00:43:08,716 --> 00:43:09,543
-Fuck!
-[audience laughs]

1036
00:43:09,717 --> 00:43:11,066
I wanted to be Don.

1037
00:43:15,027 --> 00:43:18,204
[chuckles]
He goes, "You wanna see
the joint? I said, "Yeah."

1038
00:43:18,378 --> 00:43:19,640
We go in and we look
at The Ratskeller.

1039
00:43:20,206 --> 00:43:21,294
Middle of day.

1040
00:43:21,468 --> 00:43:22,817
What am I seeing?
Observation mode.

1041
00:43:22,991 --> 00:43:24,602
Ready? I'm seeing a bar, TVs.

1042
00:43:25,124 --> 00:43:26,473
I'm seeing a nacho machine.

1043
00:43:26,647 --> 00:43:27,909
I'm seeing arcade games.

1044
00:43:28,083 --> 00:43:29,650
I see, uh, air hockey.

1045
00:43:30,651 --> 00:43:33,872
It's a joint. It's a place
where people like to go
and commiserate and hang out.

1046
00:43:34,046 --> 00:43:36,091
And I was like, "Okay."
but then I look around,
I go, "Wait a second.

1047
00:43:36,265 --> 00:43:37,136
Hey! [fumbles]

1048
00:43:37,310 --> 00:43:38,180
Don.

1049
00:43:39,312 --> 00:43:42,881
Where do I perform?
Where's the stage?"

1050
00:43:43,882 --> 00:43:46,536
And he pointed
across the room and up.

1051
00:43:47,233 --> 00:43:48,713
Which I've never seen anybody
do that before.

1052
00:43:48,887 --> 00:43:50,236
Normally, when somebody's
gonna point to a stage,

1053
00:43:50,410 --> 00:43:51,803
it's a horizon line point.

1054
00:43:52,673 --> 00:43:54,806
I'd never seen
anybody point at space.

1055
00:43:54,980 --> 00:43:56,634
[scattered laughter]

1056
00:43:56,808 --> 00:43:59,462
It, it was unusual, and I,
when I followed his finger,

1057
00:44:00,072 --> 00:44:01,508
I looked, and inside
The Rathskeller,

1058
00:44:01,682 --> 00:44:04,293
there was another
little building in the building.

1059
00:44:04,467 --> 00:44:07,079
And when he pointed,
and he goes,
"You see that hotdog stand?"

1060
00:44:07,993 --> 00:44:09,951
I said, "Yeah." He goes,
"You're gonna be on the roof."

1061
00:44:10,560 --> 00:44:11,953
I said, "I'm gonna be on
the roof of the hot dog stand?"

1062
00:44:12,127 --> 00:44:13,128
He goes, "Yes."

1063
00:44:13,912 --> 00:44:14,739
I said, "Fuck."

1064
00:44:14,913 --> 00:44:16,305
[audience laughs]

1065
00:44:16,479 --> 00:44:17,350
[chuckles]

1066
00:44:17,829 --> 00:44:19,265
I said, "Don, I would, I--

1067
00:44:19,439 --> 00:44:20,658
I didn't even know
how I would get up there."

1068
00:44:20,832 --> 00:44:22,355
[scattered laughter]

1069
00:44:22,529 --> 00:44:24,618
And he looked at me,
and he said in a voice that,

1070
00:44:24,792 --> 00:44:27,055
that sounded like information
I always should have known.

1071
00:44:27,229 --> 00:44:29,710
He went, "There's a fucking
ladder in the back."

1072
00:44:29,884 --> 00:44:31,233
[audience laughs]

1073
00:44:31,407 --> 00:44:32,321
[sarcastic enthusiasm]
Yeah. Oh! Oh, yes!

1074
00:44:32,495 --> 00:44:33,932
The Ratskeller hotdog stand

1075
00:44:34,106 --> 00:44:35,194
ladder in the back.

1076
00:44:35,368 --> 00:44:37,196
Yeah! Yes.

1077
00:44:39,111 --> 00:44:42,027
So I look and I go, I said,
"Uh, 'cause it's dark."

1078
00:44:42,201 --> 00:44:43,811
I said, "Don, it's, it's, um..."

1079
00:44:44,420 --> 00:44:45,987
"Wow," I said,
"Is there lights up there?"

1080
00:44:46,161 --> 00:44:47,249
And he looked at me and he goes,

1081
00:44:48,120 --> 00:44:50,165
"You need fucking lights
to perform?"

1082
00:44:50,339 --> 00:44:51,819
[audience laughs]

1083
00:44:51,993 --> 00:44:54,648
I said, "Don, I'm a man
of a thousand faces, yes,

1084
00:44:55,127 --> 00:44:57,259
or at least a dozen faces
at this point."

1085
00:44:57,433 --> 00:45:01,481
I said, "I need illumination,
so people can see my behaviors."

1086
00:45:02,134 --> 00:45:03,178
And he goes like this. He goes,

1087
00:45:03,352 --> 00:45:04,963
-"Fuck!"
-[audience laughs]

1088
00:45:05,137 --> 00:45:07,966
"Fucking bullshit!
Fuck! Motherfucker!"

1089
00:45:08,140 --> 00:45:10,620
And he swore all the way
down the hall away from me.

1090
00:45:11,273 --> 00:45:12,405
I could tell he went very far,

1091
00:45:12,579 --> 00:45:14,146
because the fucks got very low.

1092
00:45:15,147 --> 00:45:19,586
And then, as I heard
the fucks raise up in volume,
I thought, "Don's returning."

1093
00:45:19,760 --> 00:45:21,719
-[audience laughs]
-[chuckles]

1094
00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:26,027
He comes around the corner.
Ready? He hands me a lantern.

1095
00:45:26,201 --> 00:45:27,855
[audience laughs]

1096
00:45:28,029 --> 00:45:31,511
Yeah. Like the cover of
a Led Zeppelin album, lantern.

1097
00:45:32,381 --> 00:45:33,731
Like a Gandalf...

1098
00:45:35,341 --> 00:45:38,257
...he goes, "Yeah?"
And I'm so beta at this point,
I have no fucking spine.

1099
00:45:38,431 --> 00:45:40,563
I took it. I was like,
"This will-- Yeah, this will do.

1100
00:45:40,738 --> 00:45:42,261
-Thank you so much, Don."
-[audience laughs]

1101
00:45:44,480 --> 00:45:47,527
I was such a little jerk.
I didn't just know
how to be like, "No."

1102
00:45:48,484 --> 00:45:50,660
And then I-- Now I'm
a little bit more nervous.

1103
00:45:50,835 --> 00:45:52,967
I looked back up there,
I said, "Don, I got, I, I,
uh, one more ques--

1104
00:45:53,141 --> 00:45:55,970
I know you got to go a smoke
and do that impressive thing
you did, but..."

1105
00:45:57,406 --> 00:45:59,844
I said, "Don, is there, um,
a microphone up there?"

1106
00:46:00,018 --> 00:46:01,497
And he goes... [laughs]

1107
00:46:01,671 --> 00:46:03,761
"You need a fucking mic?"

1108
00:46:03,935 --> 00:46:06,894
I said, "Yes." I said,
"Dawn, people need to be able
to hear my tones,

1109
00:46:07,068 --> 00:46:09,201
and I need to be able to, uh,
uh, modulate, uh, uh,

1110
00:46:09,375 --> 00:46:12,595
in different character modes.
Yes, I'd like a microphone."

1111
00:46:12,770 --> 00:46:15,381
And he goes,
"Fucking bitch! Fuck you! Fuck!

1112
00:46:15,555 --> 00:46:17,775
-Fucking bitch! Motherfucker!"
-[audience laughs]

1113
00:46:17,949 --> 00:46:19,689
[scattered clapping]

1114
00:46:19,864 --> 00:46:21,300
And the, and the fucks
got lower.

1115
00:46:23,041 --> 00:46:25,913
And then, as I heard the volume
go up on the fucks, I thought...

1116
00:46:27,088 --> 00:46:28,089
"Don's returning."

1117
00:46:28,263 --> 00:46:30,048
-[audience laughs]
-[laughs]

1118
00:46:31,266 --> 00:46:32,833
He comes around the corner.
Ready? This is what he hands me.

1119
00:46:33,007 --> 00:46:34,139
He hands me--

1120
00:46:34,617 --> 00:46:35,749
[clicks tongue]
You ever see a Gorilla Amp?

1121
00:46:36,315 --> 00:46:37,925
Gorilla Amps, like this big.

1122
00:46:38,099 --> 00:46:39,927
He hands me that, and there's
a wire coming off it,

1123
00:46:40,101 --> 00:46:41,320
but it's not a regular mic,

1124
00:46:41,494 --> 00:46:43,061
it's a, it's a lapel mic.

1125
00:46:43,235 --> 00:46:44,584
[audience laughs]

1126
00:46:45,150 --> 00:46:47,413
A lapel mic is when a person
goes on, uh, uh, a talk show,

1127
00:46:47,587 --> 00:46:49,632
and they clip on
that little mic.
He hands me one of those.

1128
00:46:49,807 --> 00:46:51,591
The clip is broken,

1129
00:46:51,765 --> 00:46:53,898
so it's just a tiny little mic.

1130
00:46:54,637 --> 00:46:56,901
Then I'm gonna have to hold
like a fucking giant.

1131
00:46:57,075 --> 00:46:58,119
Like a Lilliputian mic.

1132
00:46:58,293 --> 00:46:59,773
"Hello? Hello?

1133
00:47:00,774 --> 00:47:02,602
Hello." He goes, "Yeah?"

1134
00:47:02,776 --> 00:47:04,865
And I go... [fumbling]
"Very good. Yes."

1135
00:47:05,039 --> 00:47:06,911
[audience laughs]

1136
00:47:07,085 --> 00:47:08,477
I said, "Don, what time

1137
00:47:09,130 --> 00:47:10,653
does the show begin?"

1138
00:47:10,828 --> 00:47:12,177
And he goes, "Show's gonna start

1139
00:47:12,351 --> 00:47:14,701
sometime between 8:00
and 11:00, so hang out."

1140
00:47:16,224 --> 00:47:17,922
I was like, "8:00, 11:00.
Perfect. That's my sweet spot."

1141
00:47:18,096 --> 00:47:20,402
-[audience laughs]
-"I'll be revved 8:00 to 11:00."

1142
00:47:22,883 --> 00:47:24,580
He puts me
in a back storage closet,

1143
00:47:24,754 --> 00:47:26,539
and there's not even
like a green room.

1144
00:47:27,192 --> 00:47:29,368
There's just
a fucking place where, like,

1145
00:47:30,238 --> 00:47:31,326
they put a mop.

1146
00:47:32,675 --> 00:47:34,808
You know, you know, a place
where they put the mop
with the bucket,

1147
00:47:34,982 --> 00:47:37,202
and they didn't even
empty out the bleach.
Bleach is still in there.

1148
00:47:37,376 --> 00:47:39,030
[scattered laughter]

1149
00:47:39,204 --> 00:47:40,596
[laughs]

1150
00:47:40,770 --> 00:47:42,337
Finally, at, like, 10:30,

1151
00:47:42,511 --> 00:47:44,426
Don comes around the corner,
goes, "Yo, Dane Cook!"

1152
00:47:45,036 --> 00:47:47,734
I said, "Yeah." And he goes,
"You ready to do it?"
I said, "Yeah."

1153
00:47:47,908 --> 00:47:50,476
And, uh, now, it all hit me.
I was like, "This.

1154
00:47:51,085 --> 00:47:53,783
This is where I'm gonna go out,
and I'm gonna start trying
to figure out, you know,

1155
00:47:53,958 --> 00:47:56,961
where the next,
maybe army of fans that I have."

1156
00:47:57,135 --> 00:47:58,788
Whoo!
Now, I'm walking behind him.

1157
00:48:00,007 --> 00:48:01,922
And I remember,
I was like, "Oh, man,"
I just, I was getting, like,

1158
00:48:02,096 --> 00:48:04,185
a little bit of flop sweat,
and, uh... [exclaims]

1159
00:48:05,360 --> 00:48:07,449
And then finally,
Don stopped in the hallway.

1160
00:48:07,623 --> 00:48:08,755
He goes, "You're good?"

1161
00:48:09,495 --> 00:48:11,062
I said, "Yeah." And he goes,
"I think you're gonna be great."

1162
00:48:11,758 --> 00:48:13,238
I said, "Don,
I appreciate that."
He goes, "Yeah.

1163
00:48:13,412 --> 00:48:15,283
Now get the fuck up that ladder,
and do your shit."

1164
00:48:15,457 --> 00:48:16,719
[audience laughs]

1165
00:48:16,894 --> 00:48:17,764
Wisdom.

1166
00:48:19,070 --> 00:48:20,680
To this day,
anytime I'm feeling like

1167
00:48:20,854 --> 00:48:22,682
I just don't really know how to

1168
00:48:22,856 --> 00:48:24,858
take next steps,
or if you feel like
you're at a dead end,

1169
00:48:25,032 --> 00:48:26,773
just remember the words of Don.
And you know what you do?

1170
00:48:26,947 --> 00:48:29,123
You get to fuck up that ladder,
and you do your shit.

1171
00:48:29,297 --> 00:48:30,255
-[audience whoops]
-[man] Yeah.

1172
00:48:30,429 --> 00:48:31,604
I climbed a ladder like this,

1173
00:48:31,778 --> 00:48:33,040
a makeshift ladder.

1174
00:48:33,214 --> 00:48:34,824
[audience laughs]

1175
00:48:35,869 --> 00:48:40,004
As I'm approaching the top
of the hot dog stand roof,

1176
00:48:40,178 --> 00:48:41,831
I'm realizing
a couple of things.

1177
00:48:42,006 --> 00:48:43,268
This is higher than I thought.

1178
00:48:43,442 --> 00:48:45,052
-[audience laughs]
-[laughs]

1179
00:48:45,574 --> 00:48:48,186
When I was on rung 11,
I was like, "Whoa!"

1180
00:48:49,578 --> 00:48:51,406
I-- maybe it was
an optical illusion,

1181
00:48:51,580 --> 00:48:53,713
but it seemed like
it was a smaller

1182
00:48:53,887 --> 00:48:56,716
edifice inside this
larger establishment,

1183
00:48:56,890 --> 00:48:59,240
but no, and I'm climbing,
I'm sweating.

1184
00:48:59,762 --> 00:49:01,460
I finally get to the very top,
and I can hear it.

1185
00:49:01,634 --> 00:49:04,811
I hear before I even get
over the cusp of the roof.

1186
00:49:04,985 --> 00:49:07,335
Hustle/bustle.

1187
00:49:07,509 --> 00:49:09,816
It's packed. It's showtime.

1188
00:49:09,990 --> 00:49:13,515
And I climb up and put one foot,
and when I come over the top,

1189
00:49:14,516 --> 00:49:16,040
everybody's moving around.

1190
00:49:16,214 --> 00:49:18,390
Everybody's moving around.
And very, very quickly...

1191
00:49:19,347 --> 00:49:21,262
...I'm realizing nobody's
sitting like you're sitting.

1192
00:49:21,436 --> 00:49:23,656
There's no chairs
facing this direction.

1193
00:49:23,830 --> 00:49:25,397
People are milling about
everywhere.

1194
00:49:25,571 --> 00:49:27,312
I'm looking over.
Everybody's crowded at the bar,

1195
00:49:27,486 --> 00:49:29,531
and they're all cheersing
and drinks are going everywhere.

1196
00:49:29,705 --> 00:49:32,186
And sports highlights are on!
And everybody's reacting.

1197
00:49:32,360 --> 00:49:33,840
And then, people are
on their arcade games...

1198
00:49:34,014 --> 00:49:36,060
[mockingly mimicking game tones]

1199
00:49:36,756 --> 00:49:38,932
And then people playing
air hockey, and I can hear that.

1200
00:49:39,106 --> 00:49:41,152
And they... [imitates strike]
And they're hitting that back.
"Oh, shit!

1201
00:49:41,326 --> 00:49:43,067
Fuck, man, one more game!
One more game!"

1202
00:49:43,241 --> 00:49:45,678
And everybody's moving around.

1203
00:49:45,852 --> 00:49:47,767
And I'm, like,
I've got the little mic,

1204
00:49:47,941 --> 00:49:50,030
-and I'm like,
"Hello? Hello? Hello?"
-[audience laughs]

1205
00:49:50,204 --> 00:49:54,208
I'm trying to pull some focus,
and as I'm trying to assimilate,

1206
00:49:54,382 --> 00:49:57,081
I look and then I notice
there's people kind of walking

1207
00:49:57,255 --> 00:49:59,213
towards in a way.
But I'm so high up.

1208
00:49:59,387 --> 00:50:03,435
And what I finally do is
I, I tiptoe to the very end
of the stand.

1209
00:50:04,088 --> 00:50:07,308
And when I looked down,
the hot dog stand was open.

1210
00:50:07,482 --> 00:50:09,354
[audience laughs]

1211
00:50:10,094 --> 00:50:12,922
It was a functioning
fucking hot dog stand.

1212
00:50:13,793 --> 00:50:15,012
And one woman,

1213
00:50:15,186 --> 00:50:17,231
as she walked away
with her hot dog,

1214
00:50:17,405 --> 00:50:20,452
noticed and realized
I was there, and I heard her,

1215
00:50:20,626 --> 00:50:24,064
and as I heard her, I watched.
She protected her heart.

1216
00:50:24,238 --> 00:50:27,024
And she went, "There's a man!
There's a man
on the hot dog stand."

1217
00:50:27,198 --> 00:50:29,069
-[audience laughs]
-"Look, there's a man."

1218
00:50:29,243 --> 00:50:31,550
She protected her heart.

1219
00:50:31,724 --> 00:50:33,813
"Oh, there's a ma--
There's a man right there."

1220
00:50:36,337 --> 00:50:37,599
So I'm desperately,

1221
00:50:37,773 --> 00:50:39,514
"Hello, hello. Hi, guys.
Hello?" Nobody.

1222
00:50:40,602 --> 00:50:42,430
And I'm realizing,
"Oh, man, I'm, I'm, I'm losing.

1223
00:50:42,604 --> 00:50:44,258
I'm losing them."
And I searched the crowd.

1224
00:50:44,432 --> 00:50:46,043
And then finally,
there's one guy

1225
00:50:46,217 --> 00:50:48,697
in a crisp white shirt
at the very back of the room.

1226
00:50:49,350 --> 00:50:51,526
And I remember he was standing
in such a unique position

1227
00:50:51,700 --> 00:50:54,225
that I had to really take it in.

1228
00:50:54,399 --> 00:50:55,530
He was standing like this.

1229
00:50:56,401 --> 00:50:58,055
And he was watching me.

1230
00:50:58,229 --> 00:50:59,534
He was watching me.

1231
00:51:00,535 --> 00:51:01,971
And when I noticed
he was watching me,

1232
00:51:02,146 --> 00:51:03,538
then I realized
he was making a face,

1233
00:51:03,712 --> 00:51:04,800
that I can only describe it as

1234
00:51:04,974 --> 00:51:06,759
he was almost entertained.

1235
00:51:06,933 --> 00:51:09,501
[audience laughs]

1236
00:51:16,508 --> 00:51:18,858
I said, "I'm gonna get him.
I'm gonna get this guy,

1237
00:51:19,032 --> 00:51:22,079
and then by proxy
the laughter will spread,

1238
00:51:22,253 --> 00:51:24,603
and I will have this place
rocking and rolling.

1239
00:51:24,777 --> 00:51:27,519
This is gonna turn
into a fun ruckus right now."

1240
00:51:27,693 --> 00:51:30,043
And I looked at this guy again,
and I noticed something

1241
00:51:30,217 --> 00:51:33,438
the second time I observed
that right under where his hand

1242
00:51:33,612 --> 00:51:36,484
was so uniquely placed,
there was a bunch of switches.

1243
00:51:36,658 --> 00:51:40,271
There was like 12 switches,
and I quickly deduced,

1244
00:51:40,445 --> 00:51:44,797
those must be the switches
to the TVs, and the arcade games
and the air hockey.

1245
00:51:44,971 --> 00:51:47,365
If somehow I could communicate
with this gentleman

1246
00:51:47,539 --> 00:51:49,758
to turn the switches off,
maybe I could pull everybody in.

1247
00:51:49,932 --> 00:51:52,196
So I looked at this guy,
and I pointed like this.

1248
00:51:52,370 --> 00:51:53,675
I just pointed at him.

1249
00:51:54,633 --> 00:51:56,722
And when I pointed at him,
he went like this.

1250
00:51:56,896 --> 00:51:59,246
[audience laughs]

1251
00:51:59,420 --> 00:52:03,294
And once I knew
he knew I was pointing at him,
then I just went like that.

1252
00:52:03,468 --> 00:52:06,123
This is it point, and then
I whipped my arm down like that,

1253
00:52:06,297 --> 00:52:10,431
and he knew that this was
the international sign for

1254
00:52:10,605 --> 00:52:13,739
"Hey, you should turn
all those switches off."

1255
00:52:14,827 --> 00:52:16,872
Because when I did that,
he looked at me, ready,

1256
00:52:17,046 --> 00:52:18,918
he looked,
and then he looked at the...

1257
00:52:20,006 --> 00:52:21,268
And then he looked back at me.

1258
00:52:22,008 --> 00:52:23,096
He looked at the switches.

1259
00:52:23,879 --> 00:52:25,751
Here's the best part.
My favorite part.

1260
00:52:25,925 --> 00:52:28,145
He didn't just turn them off
one at a time.

1261
00:52:28,319 --> 00:52:30,538
He used his whole forearm,
and he fucking [mimics thud]

1262
00:52:30,712 --> 00:52:32,932
just shut down
the whole fucking mainframe.

1263
00:52:33,106 --> 00:52:35,108
TVs off, arcade games off.

1264
00:52:35,282 --> 00:52:36,457
Air hockey, no more air.

1265
00:52:36,631 --> 00:52:38,198
Nacho machine, still on.

1266
00:52:38,372 --> 00:52:39,330
-I think it was on a generator.
-[audience laughs]

1267
00:52:39,504 --> 00:52:41,680
Point is I had control.

1268
00:52:42,550 --> 00:52:45,510
But I didn't, 'cause once
everything went off, before
I could even get a word out,

1269
00:52:45,684 --> 00:52:48,077
I heard one guy go,
"Who the fuck did that?

1270
00:52:48,252 --> 00:52:50,645
Who turned everything off?
Who did it?"

1271
00:52:50,819 --> 00:52:53,344
And I heard a woman respond,
and I think it was the woman
who protected her heart.

1272
00:52:53,518 --> 00:52:56,695
She goes, "It's the man
on the hot dog stand,
he indicated!"

1273
00:52:56,869 --> 00:52:59,959
[audience laughs]

1274
00:53:00,699 --> 00:53:03,136
All of a sudden,
in that exact moment,

1275
00:53:03,310 --> 00:53:05,573
I looked and I saw something
coming through the air.

1276
00:53:05,747 --> 00:53:07,358
It took me one second to realize

1277
00:53:07,532 --> 00:53:09,490
fucking thousands of hot dogs
were coming at me.

1278
00:53:09,664 --> 00:53:10,883
[man]
Ow!

1279
00:53:11,057 --> 00:53:12,667
Hot dogs were coming
from every angle.

1280
00:53:12,841 --> 00:53:15,279
One of them just Scud missiled
right past me.

1281
00:53:15,453 --> 00:53:17,411
One hot dog I remember went...
[mimics windy waves]

1282
00:53:17,585 --> 00:53:20,240
And then two ricocheted up
and they both went past,

1283
00:53:20,414 --> 00:53:22,503
and then somehow,
five hit the ceiling,

1284
00:53:22,677 --> 00:53:25,027
and it rained hot dogs
down around me.

1285
00:53:25,202 --> 00:53:26,768
But I got away from all of them.

1286
00:53:26,942 --> 00:53:28,553
And I remember,
they kept coming.

1287
00:53:28,727 --> 00:53:31,860
More and more
and more hot dogs. It was...

1288
00:53:32,034 --> 00:53:32,992
It was like

1289
00:53:33,558 --> 00:53:35,647
the opening
of Saving Private Ryan,

1290
00:53:35,821 --> 00:53:38,563
but instead of bullets,
picture hot dogs.

1291
00:53:38,737 --> 00:53:40,565
-Okay?
-[audience laughs]

1292
00:53:40,739 --> 00:53:43,394
I jumped on the ladder
and I very quickly,

1293
00:53:43,959 --> 00:53:45,526
went down 72 rungs.

1294
00:53:46,832 --> 00:53:49,051
And there was a back door,
and I remember I found
the back door,

1295
00:53:49,226 --> 00:53:51,140
and I... [mimics pushing door]
pushed it open,

1296
00:53:51,315 --> 00:53:53,839
and I ran all the way across
the parking lot,

1297
00:53:54,013 --> 00:53:56,233
and I got into my little
used Chevy Cavalier.

1298
00:53:57,712 --> 00:53:59,453
And I was just in that car
for a second.

1299
00:53:59,627 --> 00:54:01,063
And then finally,
I just drove away.

1300
00:54:01,238 --> 00:54:02,935
I got on I-95 north.

1301
00:54:03,892 --> 00:54:06,286
And man, I drove
as fast as I could.

1302
00:54:07,113 --> 00:54:09,768
And I was so sad
that I had to pull over
on the side of the road.

1303
00:54:10,551 --> 00:54:12,988
I couldn't even drive anymore,
because I was so...

1304
00:54:14,076 --> 00:54:15,948
...emotional and upset.

1305
00:54:17,732 --> 00:54:20,169
And I was sitting
in this little rest stop.

1306
00:54:20,735 --> 00:54:24,348
And I remember
I looked at myself
in the rearview mirror,

1307
00:54:24,522 --> 00:54:26,828
and I said... [sobs]
"You're not funny in Florida."

1308
00:54:27,351 --> 00:54:29,353
[audience laughs]

1309
00:54:30,571 --> 00:54:32,617
"You're not funny anywhere."

1310
00:54:32,791 --> 00:54:35,315
-[man, laughing] Oh, no.
-"You should just quit."
And I said it out loud,

1311
00:54:35,489 --> 00:54:39,537
and I'd never fucking let in
to not doing this.

1312
00:54:40,581 --> 00:54:44,803
Even though I knew
I sucked at everything else
in the fucking world.

1313
00:54:45,847 --> 00:54:47,327
But I knew I could do this.

1314
00:54:48,067 --> 00:54:49,460
I said, "You should quit."

1315
00:54:50,243 --> 00:54:52,289
And I did,
and I was resolved to quit.

1316
00:54:52,463 --> 00:54:54,160
Right at that moment,
I relinquished my power,

1317
00:54:54,334 --> 00:54:55,770
and I said,
"I'm fucking quitting."

1318
00:54:57,076 --> 00:55:00,732
And I put it in drive,
and I was already heading
towards a new life.

1319
00:55:00,906 --> 00:55:03,517
In those few seconds,
I'm telling you, right then,

1320
00:55:03,691 --> 00:55:07,260
I've created a ripple,
and the universe
was ready to cooperate.

1321
00:55:08,000 --> 00:55:10,002
And then I fucking...
[mimics heavy thud]
jammed it back into park,

1322
00:55:10,176 --> 00:55:11,786
and I said, "I'm not quitting!

1323
00:55:13,005 --> 00:55:13,919
I'm not quitting."

1324
00:55:14,833 --> 00:55:18,445
And it's that moment that brings
me to this moment tonight.

1325
00:55:18,619 --> 00:55:21,970
And the reason I didn't quit
is for that realization
that I had there.

1326
00:55:22,144 --> 00:55:23,450
The reason I didn't quit...

1327
00:55:24,364 --> 00:55:26,627
...is 'cause not one
fucking hotdog hit me.

1328
00:55:26,801 --> 00:55:27,628
[audience laughs]

1329
00:55:27,802 --> 00:55:29,238
[audience whooping]

1330
00:55:29,413 --> 00:55:31,023
[applause]

1331
00:55:31,719 --> 00:55:33,417
I'm Dane Cook.
Thank you, guys, so much.

1332
00:55:33,591 --> 00:55:36,115
[audience cheering]

1333
00:55:39,988 --> 00:55:41,338
All right,
you can all go home now.

1334
00:55:45,037 --> 00:55:46,604
That's a wrap.
Thank you, guys, very much.

1335
00:55:47,082 --> 00:55:47,953
Appreciate it.

1336
00:55:52,479 --> 00:55:54,612
Thank you.
Thanks for coming to my house.

1337
00:55:54,786 --> 00:55:56,353
[helicopter whirring]

1338
00:55:57,876 --> 00:55:59,268
That's my chopper, guys.
I've got to get out here.

1339
00:55:59,443 --> 00:56:00,792
-Really.
-[audience laughs]

1340
00:56:00,966 --> 00:56:02,489
If you could just meet me
in the back on the roof.

1341
00:56:05,144 --> 00:56:07,059
-It's my neighbor, Tom Cruise.
-[audience laughs]

1342
00:56:07,233 --> 00:56:08,887
He's probably
flying himself to set.

1343
00:56:09,061 --> 00:56:10,149
Careful, he might jump. [laughs]

1344
00:56:10,323 --> 00:56:12,586
He's a fun guy. Anyway, okay.

1345
00:56:14,893 --> 00:56:16,329
[helicopter whirring]

1346
00:56:17,635 --> 00:56:20,377
[indistinct audience chatter]

1347
00:57:03,681 --> 00:57:05,683
[people continue to chatter]