Downloaded from YTS.MX
[upbeat music plays]
[David] So many people live their lives making excuses.
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
I refuse to live in the shadows of, "What if?"
I want my family to know they have a son, a brother, a father, and a husband
that gives it everything he's got.
Today is the day I step into my destiny.
This journey is not supposed to be easy.
It's supposed to be hard.
It's supposed to be challenging, because this journey that I walk…
[crowd cheers, applauds]
…it ain't for the weak.
[cheering continues]
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen…
David A. Arnold!
[cheering intensifies]
What's up!
Cleveland, Ohio!
[chuckles]
What's happening?
Have a seat. Have a seat.
Oh my God.
Last time we did this I was at a comedy club.
This time, we in a theater.
What the fuck is happening?
I'm so happy to be outside right now.
I don't know what to do.
-Let me tell you something. -[woman] Welcome home!
Thank you very much.
It's good to be back.
[cheers, applause]
It's good to come home. This weather is the bullshit, but…
[crowd laughs]
[chuckles] I told my kids-- They from LA.
They ain't never been out here.
My daughter has some jeans with that big-ass hole in it.
I said, "Let me tell you, that nine degrees is gonna find your ass."
Kids don't listen. "I'll be fine."
When we walked outside--
When I tell you her knees locked up on her--
She was like, "Uh-uh, this shit is…"
[laughter, applause]
They called just in time too.
I've been on tour for the last six months,
and I've been doing like 20 cities.
And literally when it was time to go, it was right on time.
'Cause I'm telling you, I had to get the fuck out of that house.
[David] It was-- I couldn't--
We've been home forever. Remember when they said two weeks?
When they said two weeks, I was like, "Shit, I can do two weeks."
I'd talk to my kids, get to see what kind of people I'm raising.
[crowd chuckles]
Listen to my wife's stories all the way through,
from the beginning to the end.
[crowd laughs]
[laughs] I don't know about you, but that shit is not easy in my house.
You ever listen to somebody tell a story that ain't good at telling stories?
[crowd laughs]
Six minutes in you like, "What the fuck are you talking about?"
[laughter, applause]
Thirteen minutes in, "To make a long story short--"
No, bitch, we passed a long story short 13 minutes ago.
[crowd applauds]
I need you to wrap this shit up.
[crowd laughs]
Six weeks in, I started hanging out at the Whole Foods parking lot near my house.
[crowd laughs]
I found out it was just dudes.
I went by one day, found out it was just dudes in their cars.
[crowd chuckles]
I went by. I said, "What is going on?" "We just can't be in that house no more."
Dudes just smoking, looking out the car window.
"I'll kill somebody if I go back in there."
[chuckles]
We not supposed to be together like that.
Remember we was together all day, every day?
We not supposed to be together like that.
Remember you would wake up like, "This is it all fucking day"?
[crowd chuckles]
We supposed to be together about 10 hours a day,
and for eight of them, we supposed to be asleep, understand?
[laughter, applause]
[chuckles] That leaves two hours a day to destroy this relationship,
if that's what we gonna do.
[crowd chuckles]
My first week out on the road, my wife Julie texts me:
"Do you miss us?"
[chuckles]
[whinges] "Gotta be honest with you…"
[crowd chuckles]
I'm fine, okay?"
[crowd laughs]
[chuckles] You live at home--
First, if you live at home with anybody, you were on each other's nerves.
Everything was getting on each other's nerves.
Like, if you live with somebody, you can't just go about your business,
without somebody needing some shit every time.
Every time I get up. "You going to the kitchen? Where you going?"
[crowd laughs]
"I'm just getting the remote."
"Hand me that magazine." "Why you always need some shit?"
Every time I get up, she wants me to bring her some shit, take something back.
Get your own shit!
Let me live in here. You understand?
Goddamn it. [laughs]
Me and my wife have sat on the couch and tried to out-wait each other.
[crowd laughs]
Because nobody wanna get up,
'cause they know whoever get up got to bring the other person some shit.
We have almost peed on ourselves. You understand?
[crowd cheers]
[chuckles] Like, "I swear I'll piss all over this couch
before I bring you another goddamn thing."
"I swear."
[applause]
[crowd chuckles]
My wife is a huge water drinker. Anybody else drink--?
I'm talking about carrying a personal bottle--
-Yeah, we don't like you. Okay? -[laughter]
First of all, water drinkers always think everybody else want water too.
"Anybody need water?" "No! Just you."
"You're the only one."
"We're going to the grocery store, they got a whole aisle of water if we need it."
My wife can-- Julie carries water everywhere she goes.
She never forgets this water,
till we go upstairs to go to bed every night.
Every single night starts the same way at my house.
[sighs]
[crowd chuckles]
What?
[smacks lips, sighs]
"I think I forgot my water."
[crowd chuckles]
Why you doing this? Why you--? Ain't no water in your pajamas.
[crowd yells]
Then she gets passive aggressive. "If you find yourself downstairs,
maybe you can bring me some water."
Who finds theyself downstairs?
When was the last time you went to go pee
and go, "Oh shit, I found myself downstairs"?
[crowd chuckles]
"Guess I'll get Julie's water since I'm downstairs."
Get your own shit!
[spectator] Yes!
[crowd chuckles]
We was on each other's nerves. Arguing-- Hey, lemme tell you.
We be arguing.
Me and my wife argue every day.
Every day. It don't be no blow out. But every day we stop and square up.
Like, "What's it gonna be? You want this smoke, or what?"
And that's her talking to me, every day.
[crowd laughs]
I'm afraid of her!
[chuckles] We argue. Me and my wife argue. You know how long we been together?
We will argue in front of you,
talking about you,
and we don't give a fuck that you there.
[crowd chuckles]
You ever be out with a couple, they be arguing?
You be like, "This is getting personal. Should we go?"
I'm like, "I told you I didn't want to eat with them,
but you got me out here anyway."
"So fuck it, Julie, let's eat." That's it.
[crowd laughs, applauds]
We argue because we know you can't just be--
We've been in this house too long. We been together too long.
Me and my wife have been together long enough that we both agree
that we both do not equally give a fuck what the other person is talking about.
[crowd laughs]
Do you know how long you gotta be married to agree?
I was talking to her,
and in the middle of my speech she just walked the fuck out the room.
[crowd laughs]
She didn't make no announcement, she just walked off.
I wasn't offended. Like, that's about right.
She should've left ten minutes ago, I'm not gonna lie.
[crowd chuckles]
A lot of relationships didn't make this little pandemic.
Some of y'all was in relationships that didn't work out.
You realize, "I don't want to be with this person no more."
One of my boys, he left his whole family.
[crowd laughs]
When I tell you he went outside and never came back.
You know how you check the mail?
You don't make no announcement when you check the mail.
You just go check the mail.
He went outside and we have not seen his ass since that day.
[crowd chuckles]
Here's the thing. When you leave a family,
I would think a part of leaving a family
is to disappear and never to be heard from again.
Not this dude. Every time I text him, he texts me back.
[crowd laughs]
I was like, "Where are you?"
"Gone." "What? Who--?"
[crowd laughs]
I was like, "Are you coming back?" "No."
[chuckles] I said, "Who the fuck walks out on they family
and texts your friends from the past? Who does that?"
[crowd chuckles]
Every time I left the house for three months after that,
my wife's like, "Where you going?"
[chuckles] I'm like, "Don't you worry, I'm coming back."
"I ain't leaving my shit in here."
'Cause my boy, he left, he had a--
He had a huge shoe collection, like $25,000 worth of shoes.
He left all that shit. He didn't go back and get shit.
You understand how done you gotta be to leave all your shit?
You out right now, dawg. Bam, that's the outfit.
Imagine shit at your house is so bad
that you go, "This outfit is enough to start over."
"Fuck everything at that house."
[crowd laughs]
I don't need my glasses, my ID. I don't need none of that shit.
I'll go to the DMV than go back there and with her again.
That's what it was.
I told my wife, "If I leave, I'm getting all my shit and half of yours."
"You understand?"
[crowd chuckles]
[chuckles] Ain't nobody doing none of that shit.
'Cause I know where I'm at. I know where I'm at in my life to--
I'm at that perfect midlife crisis age.
You know, I'm at that age now.
Especially in Hollywood.
You're at that age where you drop off your first wife,
you pick up a young second wife,
ride her out the rest of her days.
[crowd chuckles]
[chuckles] Look at all the women, it proved time for you to get dropped off.
Look at your faces.
[crowd laughs]
You know? And this is the thing, like, in theory, it sounds great.
It sounds fun. Something new, fun.
But in reality, you'll have to do the same shit with this new one
that you did with the first.
Ain't no new shit happening.
You understanding? Nothing new this time.
I'm gonna have the same conversations.
If I get young wife, I gotta have a baby with the young wife.
She got to have the same shit the first wife had.
She'll be like, "Y'all got a baby. We ain't got nothing."
"I wanna see one, blah, blah, blah…"
-That shit. -[crowd chuckles]
Now I'm in my oldest daughter's wedding. I got a six-month-old on my lap. I'm 68.
I'm sleepy as shit.
[crowd laughs]
[chuckles] That don't sound fun.
[crowd laughs]
[applause]
One of my boys-- Couple of my friends, they, you know, left they first wives.
They married to young wives now,
their second wives, 15 years younger than them, easy.
One of my boys just celebrated his third wedding anniversary.
Him and his wife.
You know, she's 15 years younger than me.
He's my age.
Picture of them at the-- A video of them at the party dancing.
She dancing her ass off.
[laughter]
This motherfucker's struggling.
[crowd roars with laughter]
[chuckles] He's making all them old-man dance faces.
[crowd laughs]
[chuckles]
I called him, I said, "Nigga, take the video down."
[crowd laughs]
"You look like you struggling,
take it down now."
[chuckles] I'm not doing none of that shit.
[crowd chuckles]
I'm about to sit there with my wife,
we about to sit there, eat Doritos and fall apart together.
That's what we about to do.
Not doing none of that.
[crowd applauds]
We trying to get these kids out. That's what we gotta do.
You want some freshness in your relationship,
get them kids out your life.
I got two, a 14 and 16-year-old.
Let me tell you something, these-- First of all, these new kids,
they the most entitled group of people that I've ever met in my life.
-You hear me? -[crowd applauds]
But here's the thing,
I know they're like this because we made them like this.
My kids is like--
Because everybody wants to do better for they kids
than they think was done for them.
Then I thought about it, "I came up pretty good."
So, what is the goal here? What am I trying to do?
[crowd laughs]
This is how I know that I was doing too much.
My daughter Anna Grace just turned 16.
She calls me, says, "I wanna talk to you."
[chuckles]
I never said shit like that to my father.
[laughter]
Matter of fact, I prefer we didn't talk, to be honest.
She's like, "I'd like to talk. I'm turning 16."
"I want to talk to you about the type of car I'd like."
[chuckles]
[crowd chuckles]
I was like, "I want to hear what you think you got coming."
[crowd laughs]
She said, "I've had my eye on the G-Wagon."
[crowd chuckles]
"What the fuck do you think is happening here,
that a G-Wagon is anywhere in your future? You understand?"
What makes you think you gonna get a $100,000 car?
[crowd laughs]
Julie normally defends what the kids say. Julie heard this, this pissed her off.
She like, "Hold up. I'm fucking him and I ain't got no G-Wagon."
"You're definitely not getting no G-Wagon."
[crowd laughs, applauds]
"You're getting a '98 Corolla. Get the fuck out of here."
[crowd roars]
What makes you think you gonna get a G-Wagon?
They've been given everything.
This is the generation of giving them every fucking thing.
It's the participation trophy generation. That's what's-- Let me tell you something.
You got them participation trophies in your house?
Your kids gonna not be shit. You hear me?
[crowd applauds]
I'm telling you that's bullshit.
That-- That whole thing of, "Everybody's a winner!"
No, the fuck they're not.
I know some losers in my life.
And I work way too hard to be grouped in with these motherfuckers.
That part-- Why should the winner walk away with the same shit as the loser?
Tell me that.
What we teaching them? Everybody's a winner. No!
Ain't no participation home loan, is it?
[crowd laughs]
When's the last time the bank was like,
"We know your credit ain't shit and your income is bad,
but at this bank everybody's a winner."
[crowd laughs]
[chuckles] "Here's your loan. Good luck!" Get the fuck out of here. That ain't real!
They got participation trophies, certificates.
They love giving out certificates to these kids, that's they favorite.
My daughter came home one time in third grade--
Ashlyn came home with a certificate for volunteering at school.
Framed it and put it on the wall next to her mama's degree.
-Proud! -[crowd laughs]
I was like, "If you don't get this shit out of here--"
"Hard as your mama worked for this degree,
you gonna hang up a certificate for passing out straws on juice box day?"
[crowd roars, applauds]
We're not doing none of that shit.
[crowd laughs]
Always got a certificate, always got a participation trophy.
The problem is the playground is too soft.
That's the problem. The playground is way too--
When I came up, the playground was made of asphalt.
[crowd chuckles]
Playground was made of concrete, it was glass on the playground.
You would fall, bust your knee, bleed, get up, keep going and play again.
[crowd applauds]
Have you been to a playground today? Especially in these nice neighborhoods.
-The ground is a sponge. -[crowd laughs]
They have changed the fabric of the earth to protect these bitch-ass kids.
[crowd roars, applauds]
And now they're just skipping through life like shit is great.
Just, "Oh, my God!"
[crowd chuckles]
That shit ain't real!
[crowd laughs]
[chuckles] None of this is real.
But that's what you do. I grew up in the '80s.
I grew up in the '80s, I know it was some bullshit in the '80s.
We did a lot that wasn't right,
but my job is to find the life lessons that worked,
pull that through and leave the bullshit behind.
That's my job, and I do that with my kids now.
Because I need them to have that thing inside of them.
That's what I tell my kids all the time.
You gotta have that thing that's gonna make you fight through when it get hard.
'Cause it's gonna get hard.
You understand? Life gonna come for you.
I don't give a fuck about how great you was in high school and college.
You got to have that thing.
I graduated from school at the bottom of my class.
Do you understand?
On the program, it was my name and the nigga who printed the programs.
[crowd laughs, applauds]
You couldn't get no further down than this.
But I got that thing inside of me,
and I've been looking for that thing from my kids.
[crowd cheers, applauds]
I need you to have that thing.
And I try to do stuff.
You know? I tried. My kids were playing volleyball.
We did the little participation trophy volleyball for a long time.
After a while, I started to see them get a false sense of theyself.
Right? "I don't like this."
"If we gonna keep playing, we gonna play some real sports."
So I took them and we played club volleyball.
I don't know if you know anything about club sports, but it's two things, right?
Very expensive, very competitive.
And when I say expensive,
I mean thousands of dollars to other states' hotel rooms
watching you play expensive.
And if I'm dropping thousands to watch you play,
I need you to fucking try, you understand?
[crowd applauds]
I remember this. Anna Grace was about 13 years old,
we took her to go play in club.
And she went to Vegas, right.
Up there to play in a tournament.
Immediately when she got on the court, I saw she saw
this ain't participation volleyball.
'Cause these girls had that look in they eye.
Balls coming… Kiah! Kiah! Kiah!
I see her confidence starting to flutter.
I don't like that.
Ball went by her, she went, "Uh."
I said, "Motherfucker!"
[crowd laughs]
You ever been so angry you feel that heat in your chest?
I'm in front of the stands where the parents sit,
I'm pacing, looking at Anna Grace.
Julie's like, "Maybe you should sit."
I said, "Shut up, Julie. I didn't spend all this money to come up here and she…"
"I'll kill everybody in this motherfucker."
[crowd laughs, applauds]
My wife thought that was the worst thing to say.
"How could you say that?" "Are you kidding?"
"My father said that shit to us once a week growing up."
[crowd laughs]
Every week we heard,
"I'll kill everybody in this motherfucker!"
"And then I'll kill myself!"
-I said, "Wait a minute!" -[crowd laughs]
"We all gotta die because of the black cherry Kool-Aid?"
"What is wrong with this nigga?"
[crowd laughs, applauds]
I never understood that kind of anger until right now.
I'm looking at Anna Grace as she's trying to look forward,
like she don't see me staring at her.
But I know she feel that heat on the side of her face.
[crowd chuckles]
We made eye contact,
I'm like, "I'm gonna bust your ass as soon as this is over."
[crowd chuckles]
We got in the car, we argued four and a half hours back to LA from Vegas.
"You're not trying." "I am."
"You're not. I know what trying looks like--"
[speaks gibberish]
[crowd titters]
That's how it sounds when you argue with a teenage girl.
[speaks gibberish]
[crowd chuckles]
Long story short, she quit.
[crowd laughs]
[chuckles]
[crowd titters]
This is what I've learned.
When you have an opinion in your family that is not popular,
eventually, you have to let it go.
Because no matter what your point is, they will eventually blame it on you.
Because my point is we don't quit, we finish what we start,
we push through, no matter what.
I think that's a pretty good lesson.
But they've turned it into, "Your energy is bad, Daddy!"
"It's bringing down the house. It's bad--"
This is the generation of sound bites.
It's, "You're body shaming and, and, and it's emotionally abusive…"
[speaks gibberish]
[crowd chuckles]
"You know what's emotionally abusive?"
"Dropping 3,500 in Vegas watching you go, 'Uh.'"
"That's fucking abusive."
[crowd laughs, cheers]
[crowd applauds]
Three years went by, Anna Grace ain't done shit.
[crowd chuckles]
Finally went to a new private school.
They said to go to the school, you need to, you know, pick an elective.
Do something, get involved. I said, "Anna Grace, pick something."
"I don't want to."
I said, "If you don't, I'll pick."
"You're not gonna go to school and TikTok all goddamn day."
[crowd laughs]
She didn't pick nothing, I picked it for her.
This is another thing that I've learned.
When I'm going to make announcements to my family
that I know are going to be unpopular,
I do it in public.
[crowd titters]
Because I know they can only act so crazy with a bunch of people around
We were eating a nice brunch,
and in the middle of it I said, "Anna Grace, I've made a decision."
"You're going back to play volleyball." She lost it. "I don't wanna play!"
She yells out, "My volleyball days are over!"
Like she's 49 with bad knees and just can't do it no more.
Her younger sister Ashlyn, my 14-year-old--
Ashlyn is the protester and the feminist of the family.
She comes to her sister's defense immediately.
"Daddy, you cannot make her. She is a woman, you are a man."
"A man will not tell a woman-- We will be heard, we'll march--"
I said, "If you don't shut your ass up, Angela Davis--"
"Nobody asked you shit."
[crowd laughs, applauds]
I said, "Anna Grace, they got three days of tryouts."
"We'll take you, you gonna try, and I don't wanna hear nothing."
Three days go by, Anna Grace goes to try out.
-For three days, she ain't talking to us. -[crowd titters]
I love how they think that not talking to me hurts me.
[crowd chuckles]
I personally rather like it, you understand?
'Cause I know, for three days, you ain't going to be asking me for shit.
[crowd chuckles]
On the third day,
we get a text from Anna Grace on the family chat thread.
This, this is what it said.
"Holy shit, parents."
[crowd titters]
"I made JV, I'm so excited." Emoji heart exclaim.
Now…
David, that was raised by Barbara and Eddie in the '80s…
[crowd titters]
…locked in on the sentence that said "holy shit."
[laughter, applause]
I'm thinking who the fuck are you talking to?
[crowd screams]
Since when do you start cussing at your family?
But the David that's trying to move us forward
locked in on the "I'm so excited emoji heart exclaim"
because I'm hoping she'll take that moment and connect it back to three weeks earlier
when she yelled out, "My volleyball days are over!"
And she'll realize that if you push through a little bit of adversity,
you might find some success on the other side.
This is what I need her to know.
[crowd cheers]
Anna Grace is six inches taller than she was last time she played.
I got a chance to see her play
when I started touring about six months ago.
The girl is playing.
Blocking, spiking, like in the game.
I'm watching her self-esteem rise while she's on the court playing.
Game is over. She gives me a hug. "Daddy, thank you for making me do this."
I said, "I'm your father. It's my job to see what you don't, you understand?"
"You gotta remember something, no matter what, I always got you."
"You understand? Because I love you."
I said…
[crowd applauds, cheers]
"But if you ever cuss at me on the text again…"
[crowd laughs]
"I'll kill everybody in this motherfucker. You hear me?"
[crowd applauds]
Gotta pull the life lesson through, leave the bullshit behind.
That's what I do.
I do stuff for them even when I don't want to
because sometimes I learn shit about me.
They wanted a dog. I don't want no dog. You understand? Dogs--
First of all, dogs got different lives than they had when I came up.
You new dog owners, y'all doing too much. I'm telling you that right now.
You got them in the grocery store,
you're walking around with 'em and shit in little bags.
I flew here first class with a poodle next to me,
looking at me like, "Why you here?"
No, bitch, what the fuck you doing here?
[crowd laughs]
Y'all got your mouth in they mouth.
"Oh, my God, I love you so much."
But you won't get the vaccine. But this right here--
[crowd cheers, applauds]
But this, "I don't want that in my body."
"But my dog who's been licking his balls all day, that's okay."
[speaks gibberish] Get the fuck out of here.
[crowd chuckles]
I was like, why? Why would I want a dog? Know what I mean?
Like, I had dog coming up.
Then it hit me, I went… [gasps] "I had a dog coming up,
and it was horrible."
One of my biggest childhood pains is connected to one of my dogs.
When I grew up-- I grew up here in Cleveland, Ohio.
I was about eight years old.
And I was standing in the doorway, dog was outside on the tree lawn peeing.
Outside, a car pulls up, opens the door, grabs the dog, drives away.
[crowd groans]
I said, "What?"
[crowd laughs]
I said, "Dad, they got the dog!"
[crowd laughs]
[chuckles] This is all my father had to give me in this horrible moment
in my life.
He went, "Aw!"
[crowd laughs, applauds]
[crowd cheers]
"All right. Come in the house."
I said, "Wait a minute!"
[crowd titters]
I was like, "You're not gonna do shit?" Now he's mad at me.
"What the fuck you want me to do, David? The dog is gone!"
I said, "Goddamn, we're not supposed to care about these dogs!"
[crowd laughs]
For years this haunted me.
I came up in a time when you didn't talk to your parents about your feelings.
You just processed that shit
through your own little eight-year-old mind.
And for years I would run it through my head like,
I understand why he came out and looked that way…
[crowd titters]
…because that's the way they drove off.
[crowd laughs]
What the fuck you looking back here for?
[crowd laughs]
You thought they were gonna go around the block with the car
and come back with the dog, "There you go, I was fucking with you."
[crowd laughs]
[crowd chuckles]
And what's crazy about it is no matter what you do,
you end up being just like them.
Just like them. You will say the same shit they say
because it's the only template you have.
Even when you think, "I'm not gonna be like that,"
I find myself saying the same shit I heard my whole life coming up.
The thing about it, I was raised--
I have three very strong, influential men in my life that raised me.
And all of them, while very different,
were very instrumental in making me have that thing that I have inside of me.
My stepfather,
my dad,
and my grandfather.
All of them very different, but very instrumental.
My grandfather was the guy that I watched
put our entire family through college with an eighth-grade education.
Yes.
[crowd applauds]
I watched my grandfather work every single day.
He was that guy that he loved it, when he met you,
he prided himself on being able to talk to you for ten minutes.
After talking to you, he could tell exactly what your problem was.
If he couldn't figure it out, he'd sum it up to you was on "that shit."
That's what he would say. [chuckles] We don't know what that shit is
but if he couldn't figure you out, your ass was on it, best believe.
My grandfather, when he got older, like in his 80s,
his favorite thing to do would be to sit around the house and talk about me
because he did not understand how I was going to make it in this world.
And he was worried for me his whole life.
And when you get in your 80s, you don't need nobody for conversation.
You got both sides of this conversation handled just fine.
My grandfather had a little orange recliner that he sat in,
that nobody ever sat in even after he passed away.
And I remember he would always sit in this chair.
My grandfather always looked agitated.
[sighs]
[crowd titters]
[crowd chuckles]
[sighs]
[crowd titters]
[crowd laughs]
[crowd titters]
You know…
[crowd titters]
I…
I want to thank y'all…
for listening to this boy talk.
[crowd chuckles]
'Cause, up until today,
ain't nobody wanted to hear shit David Arnold had to say.
[crowd laughs]
'Cause he ain't never been talking about nothing.
[crowd chuckles]
See, see, see, see…
what you need to understand about David Arnold…
[crowd titters]
…is that this boy is lazy.
[crowd laughs]
He lazy.
And if he got to walk more than two feet for a piece of bread, he gonna starve.
[crowd chuckles]
And that's where you'll find him. Dead.
[crowd laughs]
Laying six inches from a piece of toast 'cause he's lazy.
[crowd laughs]
I don't know where he gets this laziness from.
I'm 79 years old.
I've been working since I was eight.
And I work every day.
You get up, you walk two, three hours to work.
You work 10, 12 hours.
You walk four to six hours home every day.
[crowd laughs, applauds]
Weren't no days off.
[crowd titters]
You know? And I come up in the coal mines of West Virginia.
Every day, that's-- That's right.
And I, you know, in there working one day and this boy wasn't paying attention,
and he fucked around and let that cart go,
and it cut these four toes off, but I didn't stop working.
[crowd laughs]
You pick the toes up, you put them in a bag,
you finish on with the day.
[crowd roars]
Shit.
[crowd titters]
I'm 81 years old.
[crowd chuckles]
I been working since I was six, you understand me?
[crowd laughs, applauds]
See, see, see, see…
[crowd titters]
I knew David Arnold was going to have a hard way to go
when he come up in this world, see?
'Cause, you know, he didn't have no daddy.
'Cause, you know, his mama, she-- Goddamn it, she fuck around and…
[crowd titters]
…got pregnant by one of them old skip-do niggas, see?
[crowd laughs]
Yes, skip-do. As he do what he do, then he skip on, that's what that is.
[crowd laughs, applauds]
[crowd chuckles]
So me and his grandmama had to go down there and claim him.
And I forget, what, what, what, what…
What was the day that we went down to see the boy?
It was-- Shit. Uh…
[crowd titters]
March the 15th, nineteen-hundred and 68.
[crowd chuckles]
I remember we go to the hospital,
and I-- Soon as I look at him, I said, "Anna Mae…" [chuckles]
"Whoo! This boy is lazy."
"You understand me?"
[crowd laughs]
"He ain't been in the world two hours and already he's asleep."
"It's laziness."
[crowd roars]
[crowd chuckles]
I don't do this kind of sleeping.
I'm 83 years old.
[crowd laughs]
I've been working since I was four, you understand?
[crowd laughs, applauds]
Hm.
But
eventually,
my time on this earth was finished.
And I had to go.
And, I-- I-- I tell you, I worry about that boy every single day.
'Cause I swear before God, I don't know how he gonna make it.
[crowd chuckles]
Hm.
I hadn't seen him for a long time.
And then one day…
I saw him.
And he was walking.
Two, two and a half hours.
And I said, where is this boy going?
And I watch him
walk into some joke house.
And he in there telling his stories
the kiki-ing and cuckooing with these people.
[crowd titters]
And then I watched him walk
two and a half hours back.
And I watch him do this every day.
For a long time.
Long time.
And then one day, it hit me.
This boy is not lazy at all.
He just…
He just needed to find his purpose that would make him walk.
[crowd cheers, applauds]
So…
when you see him…
you tell him
"Papa… I see you."
"I'm proud of you."
[crowd cheers, applauds]
My stepfather didn't have no job, wasn't getting no job,
and fuck anybody who told him he better get a job.
[crowd laughs]
[chuckles] My stepfather was a completely different kind of dude.
My stepfather had a claim to fame though.
My stepfather started a group in the '50s that became popular in the '70s,
called The O'Jays.
-[spectator] Yes! -Yes.
[crowd applauds, cheers]
But he quit the day before they made a million dollars.
[crowd laughs]
So I spent my whole childhood watching a man try to prove
that what was probably his biggest mistake
was not really a mistake at all.
This is the thing. I don't know if you know anyone from the '70s.
My stepfather from the '70s. All them from the '70s,
they always got some slick shit happening.
You know?
[chuckles] You know, everything you wore was silk for no goddamn reason.
He was always doing some '70s shit with his fingers.
And he had a Jheri curl, but not really, and…
[crowd laughs]
My stepfather, you know, he was cool. And he would talk down to you, you know.
'Cause, "Nigga, I started The O'Jays. Nigga, you didn't."
[crowd laughs]
So all of his sentences started the same way.
[smacks lips]
[crowd laughs]
[laughs]
[inhales]
"No, nigga, no."
[crowd laughs]
[chuckles] I remember saying to my mother, "Why you got me in here?"
[crowd laughs]
We grew up with a lot of rules with my stepfather.
One of the biggest rules we grew up, me and my three younger sisters,
was one glass of juice per kid, per day.
Everything after that, drink water.
That was the rule.
And you couldn't get around this rule
because he had drink tickets that he would pass out in the morning.
[crowd roars]
Wake up, come downstairs, he's standing there.
"Good morning. There's your drink ticket. Fuck that off however you like."
[crowd laughs]
[chuckles]
I was a smart kid.
I would save up all my drink tickets to the end of the week.
On Friday, put them on the table. Bam!
"Got five drink tickets, need five glasses of juice."
[crowd laughs, applauds]
[crowd titters]
[chuckles]
[inhales]
"No, nigga, no."
[crowd laughs, applauds]
[crowd chuckles]
"Today's drink ticket color, David, is blue."
[crowd laughs]
"None of this is that."
"Drink water." [chuckles]
And I was like, "I hate it here!"
[crowd laughs]
For the life of me, I could not understand why this man was so cheap.
[crowd titters]
And then one day it hit me, he was not cheap.
He was broke.
[crowd laughs]
And that is a difference.
When you're broke, you move at a different cadence.
You understand?
There is always a pressure on the back of your neck,
and every single decision that is made in your life applies a little bit more.
This wasn't even about the juice.
This shit wasn't even real juice.
It was like 99-cent Chilly Willy diabetes-in-a-jug colored water.
But when them juice levels got low, that pressure got on his neck.
That shit was real for him.
But for me, a ten-year-old kid, all I know is I wanted some juice.
I can never see his life through the eyes of a 33-year-old man.
Which is, this is a man who's married to a woman
who has three children, two of them are not his.
Right? There is no money.
She's in his ear and never lets him fucking forget it.
Right? The juice levels is getting low,
there's pressure on the back of his neck,
and every single day in our house, on the radio,
the only thing you heard was,
♪ People all over the world, join hands ♪
♪ Start a love train ♪
♪ Love train ♪
I'm surprised this nigga didn't kill all of us, you hear me?
[crowd laughs, cheers]
But I could not see life through his eyes because I was a ten-year-old kid,
and I would not be able to understand what he was going through
till 40 years later,
when I am now in my house and my children are one and two.
Julie was in the kitchen cooking.
I had just quit my day job, where I made a living as a nurse,
to pursue this dream of doing stand-up.
And I remember I would go and check our family online checking account every day,
because that balance was an indication of how long I had to chase this dream.
Right? And I would check and check.
I remember coming in there one day and it said zero.
And in that moment,
I felt that pressure on the back of my neck.
And I realized that my juice levels was low.
What should I do?
The easy thing to do is to go back to the day job,
which is security, paying my bills, taking care of my family
or I figure out how to stay on this path,
that I now successfully walk in, to chase my dream as a stand-up.
And I knew exactly what I had to do. Right?
I went into the kitchen where Julie was cooking,
and I looked at her and I said, "Julie…
one glass of juice…
per kid, per day."
[crowd laughs, cheers]
"Everybody else, drink water."
[crowd laughs, applauds]
I don't give a fuck what you do, you gonna be just like them.
You know what's crazy?
It would not be until 2005 that I realized what my stepfather taught me,
in 2005, when I watched him get inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame
with The O'Jays, right over here…
[crowd cheers, applauds]
…that he taught me something I didn't even realize he taught me,
which is to never quit.
As long as I've known him,
and to this day, 81 years old, this man still does not quit.
Every time I see him, "I got a meeting--"
"Ain't no goddamn meetings, it's over."
[crowd laughs]
"Sit your ass down. You understand?"
"I got one glass of juice for you."
[crowd titters]
"Everything after that, drink water. You know the rules, you made them."
[crowd chuckles]
My father taught me shit he didn't realize he did.
Just because I'm the man, don't mean I got to be no hero,
and don't mean I got to take the bullet.
Everybody think the man saves the day.
My father taught me quick, "Fuck that, I'm not doing that."
[crowd titters]
My father… [chuckles]
I used to go out on the weekends with my father, my stepfather.
My dad would pick us up.
My stepmother, and stepbrother and sister, we would all hang out.
My stepmother would watch us all weekend
because my father would work on his race car.
My stepmother always had an attitude.
She wore a robe that didn't have a string on it,
that she held with one hand.
She always had a cigarette and would cuss us out.
"You goddamn kids get on my goddamn nerves."
[chuckles] Like, why the fuck is she so angry?
I didn't realize he's picking up two extra kids and dropping them with her.
Of course she angry.
You never realize what people think about you until a moment comes.
I had a little cap gun I played with.
My stepmother was like, "Let me get that cap gun."
"Let's play a prank on your father."
"When he walk in, I'm gonna pretend like I murder all of y'all."
"And let's see what he do."
I'm like, "Goddamn, wait a minute."
Murder? How the fuck we go to murder? What about a water balloon?
How you go straight to murder? [chuckles]
But you know me, I'm like, "Okay. Fuck it, shoot me first."
"Because I want to fall so I can see what Dad do."
My father walk in to get some water out the garage,
Jacci got the gun in her robe, right?
He walks in, she goes into character.
"I'm so sick of you leaving me with the kids."
She pull out the gun. Pop! Pop! She start firing shots.
She hit me first, I fall.
I'm on the ground, looking up at her looking at him, seeing what he gonna do.
I know my father about to jump into superhero mode.
When I tell you with every shot she fired,
this man got closer and closer to the front door.
Pop! "What's wrong with you?" Pop! "What's wrong--?"
[crowd laughs]
I got up. I said, "Is he leaving everybody?"
[crowd roars]
It's one kid left, my five-year-old sister, Tammi.
I know he going try to save the baby.
When I tell you this man stepped over me…
[crowd laughs]
…on his way to the door,
that's when I start laughing.
Now everybody else laughing, we know the joke is up.
My father's like, "What y'all--? Boy, I was about to--"
"You wasn't about to do shit."
[crowd laughs]
"You left everybody!"
[crowd titters]
[chuckles] My dad was like, "Well, shit, y'all was shot."
"Why I gotta get shot?"
[crowd laughs, applauds]
I learned that day, quick, I ain't gotta be no hero.
I tell my wife that shit all the time.
"Julie, don't put me in no position to be no hero,
'cause I'm going to let you down, I promise you."
[crowd laughs]
[chuckles]
[crowd laughs]
I've been sober 23 years.
[crowd cheers]
You know, I don't know if I got sober because I hit rock bottom
or if I just got tired of doing the work that it took to be on drugs.
[crowd titters]
It takes a lot of work to be on drugs.
If you know any people that's on drugs, these are not lazy people.
These are motivated people.
You gotta be up all hours of the night, steal, bullshit always happening.
Good drug can happen 2:00, 3:00, 5:00 in the morning.
You can't be lazy and be on drugs, you gotta be out there.
One of my biggest problems with being on drugs
is that I never looked like I was on drugs.
I always looked like this, which made it hard to buy drugs
'cause the dope man always thought I was an undercover cop.
Every time, he's like, "Get out of here, I know you're a cop."
"I swear I'm not the cops!"
"My life is outta control, I need some shit!" [laughs]
I spent 30 minutes trying to convince the dope man my life is out of control
so he'd sell me some drugs.
I'd get back to the car like, "Goddamn, this is exhausting."
[crowd laughs]
What's funny is my spin in, you know, to sobriety was a slow one.
Because I never did no crazy shit.
I always did little stupid shit.
I never murdered nobody, I never, you know, killed.
I never did rob, I never did that kind of shit.
I would do dumb shit like, you know, go to jail two days in a row.
[crowd titters]
By the same cop. That's the kind of shit I would do.
Like, I know my driver's license was suspended
from the time I was 17 till about 20.
It was always some bullshit with my license.
Restricted, suspended,
you can't drive between 2:00 and 4:00, always some bullshit.
Right? I remember one time I was dating this girl. [laughs]
She's like, "Let's get a drink, I'll drive."
I'm like, "Fuck it, I'll drive."
I jump in her car, I'm driving, I do some drunk shit.
Police pull us over, hit us with lights.
Immediately, I come up with an idea.
Let's switch seats while we driving.
Because you got a license, I don't.
He gives you the ticket, I give you money.
"I don't think we should." "Switch the damn seats." So we switch.
She pulls the car over, the police pulls over.
He gets out, he don't even go up to the driver's side of the car.
He walks right over to me sitting in the passenger's side,
trying to act like I don't know what's going on.
Taps on the window.
He says, "Hey. Roll the window down."
"You know I can see you through the rear window."
[crowd laughs]
"Get your ass out the car. You going to jail."
[crowd chuckles]
Took me to jail, she bailed me out.
The next day, same shit.
"Let's go get a drink, I'll drive." "No, fuck it, bitch, I'll drive."
[crowd laughs]
Jump into the car, same car.
Same time, same corner, same police.
-I turned the corner, we locked eyes. -[crowd laughs]
Me and the police in his car.
I look at him look at me and go, "What the fuck are you doing?"
[crowd laughs, applauds]
This time I don't even wait for him to get out of his car.
I immediately pull over, get out of my car,
walk and get in his car,
'cause I know my Black ass is going to jail.
[crowd laughs, cheers]
This is the kind of shit I would do.
My life just kept spinning, and it never looked like my life was out of control.
When you tell the story back, it's kind of funny.
[crowd chuckles]
And my parents somehow would always bail me out of my shit.
So it just kept spinning.
I did seven days in prison in Bakersfield.
[audience member cackles]
[crowd laughs]
[chuckles]
And I remember, you know, I… [chuckles]
I got-- It was a fix-it ticket that I allowed to turn into a warrant.
[crowd titters]
I don't know if you know, I was driving a car that I paid $600 for,
which should tell you where I'm at in my life.
[audience member cackles]
[crowd laughs]
[chuckles]
That one-- That one laugh is enough for me to keep telling this story.
[chuckles]
[crowd giggles]
The police pulled me over,
to realize there are no seat belts in the car.
-He was like, "No seat belts in this car!" -I said, "I know, I paid $600 for it."
[crowd laughs]
He said, "You can't drive a car with no seat belts."
So he gave me a fix-it ticket to put seat belts in the car.
Come to find out,
costs $600 to put seat belts in a car that I paid $600 for.
I'm not going to do that.
[crowd laughs]
So I drove the car till it broke down.
When it broke down I left it on the side of the road,
took my basketball out the back and dribbled home.
Mm-hm.
I never thought about this car ever again.
A year later, I'm up at Edwards Air Force Base
with my cousin, Michael, drinking and doing shit.
The police get called, names get read.
[crowd chuckles]
My name comes up, "David Arnold warrant LA."
They take me four hours north to Bakersfield,
where they hold me for seven days in prison.
Now, this is how I know I'm not about that life.
[crowd laughs]
[chuckles]
Because the stuff that should've made me call my mother immediately
didn't bother me at all.
Stuff that should bother you about being in prison, I'm fine with.
But the stuff that made me call her was no less than ridiculous.
I-- I remember I was
two days into a seven-day sentence.
I'm doing hard time.
[crowd laughs]
[chuckles]
And I remember I was…
having lunch,
and in the middle of eating I went…
[smacks lips]
[crowd chuckles]
"Am I the only one that thinks this food is bland?"
[crowd laughs]
[crowd titters]
"You want some salt?"
[crowd chuckles]
"Some salt would be good."
"Go ask the guard, he'll get you some."
[crowd laughs]
[exhaling from nose]
[crowd titters]
[smacks lips]
"How you doing? Uh…"
[crowd chuckles]
"I'm David. Um… 7-4-- It don't matter. Listen…"
"Um…
so me and the fellas was talking and…"
[crowd titters]
[smacks lips, inhales]
"This food…"
[crowd giggles]
[whistles]
[crowd chuckles]
"It's a little bland."
[crowd titters]
"You want some salt?"
[crowd chuckles]
"Some salt would be nice."
"Have a seat, I'll bring you some."
[whispers] "All right."
[crowd chuckles]
[exhales]
"He about to bring us some salt, y'all."
[crowd laughs]
[chuckles] Sat there for 35 minutes.
[crowd laughs]
Watching him watch me
watch him not go get me no salt.
[crowd laughs]
[chuckles]
Everybody's gone but me and the guard.
[crowd laughs]
[sighs]
[crowd chuckles]
[sighs]
"Hey, uh, listen…"
[crowd titters]
"I'm David. I-- I know you're busy. Listen, um…"
"Are you gonna get the salt?"
[crowd laughs]
[chuckles]
[sighs]
"No, nigga, no."
[crowd laughs]
That's when I called my mama. "Mama, you gotta get me out of here."
She said, "Are they trying to fuck you?" I said, "What?! No!"
[crowd laughs, applauds]
I said, "But it ain't no salt and pepper in here,
and I can't live in a world where I can't put no seasoning on my mashed potatoes."
She said, "Keep your voice down and let me get you out before somebody fuck you."
"You hear me?"
This is who I was.
[crowd laughs]
Nothing got my attention.
Nothing. Because it was always some bullshit
and, I'm telling you, it just kept spinning.
Nothing would get my attention.
Except for that goddamn cocaine.
Oh, that cocaine.
You know, cocaine has a way of eating away at the fabric of who you are
and you don't even see it happening.
You ever see somebody try to act sober?
[crowd chuckles]
[crowd laughs]
[chuckles] This is what a drunk nigga think a sober person look like.
[crowd titters]
[chuckles]
That cocaine…
[sighs]
…was something. And you know what's so funny?
I remember, like, my life started to turn a corner
when I sold my car to the drug dealer.
I'll never forget. I-- I wrote out on a napkin "$200."
Wrote it out on a napkin, gave it to the drug dealer,
walked home with $200 in my hand.
Like my life was great.
Skipping on that little soft-ass playground. Just…
[crowd chuckles]
[sighs]
Still, that did not get my attention.
Came back three days later to buy more cocaine.
This time, I bought $11 worth of cocaine.
That I paid for with in nickels.
Counted that shit out. "Five, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35…"
-"That's one. Five, 10, 15, 20, 25…" -[crowd laughs]
[chuckles]
Took that $11 worth of cocaine and walked home in the rain.
Proud! Car drove by, hit a puddle, splashed me.
It was the drug dealer in my car.
I said, "This motherfucker could've gave me a ride."
[crowd laughs]
And still that did not get my attention.
It would not be until that cocaine started to talk to me…
that it started to wake me up.
When cocaine talk to you, it don't tell you what to do.
It's passive aggressive in suggesting shit.
[crowd chuckles]
I remember I was standing around not doing shit.
The cocaine walked up next to me and whispered in my ear.
"Maybe it's time to start thinking about sucking dick."
-I said, "That's it! I'm going to rehab!" -[crowd roars with laughter]
Nigga, when I tell you I ran eight and a half miles in three minutes--
You hear me?
-I was like, "No!" -[crowd laughs]
The rehab was closed. "Open the door." She said, "We closed."
I said, "I don't give a fuck! I need to get inside."
[chuckles] She looked at me and went, "Oh, baby."
"You heard the dick-sucking voice, huh?"
-[chuckles] -[crowd laughs, applauds]
I said, "Yes, ma'am! Yes, I did!"
[crowd roars]
She let me in and I looked out the window. I said, "Is dick out there?"
[crowd laughs]
[crowd chuckles]
But I can stand before you and say,
23 years, I've never sucked a dick.
[crowd laughs, cheers]
[applause continues]
When I tell that story, my wife is like,
"See, you don't wanna suck dick, what make you think we do?"
I said, "Julie…"
[crowd laughs]
"…my story ain't your story. You understand?"
"I'm talking about sucking dick for drugs. This, you sucking dick for love."
"You understand?"
[crowd chuckles]
[crowd laughs]
[chuckles]
I don't even ask her for shit like that.
Her attitude is bad.
[crowd giggles]
You ask a woman for some head, she's like, "Okay, fine."
Always act like they got an attitude about it,
like it's going to discourage me.
[crowd laughs]
"I'm gonna talk you through it. There you go. Now, now, there it is."
[crowd laughs]
[inhales] "Now, now, there. Shh…" I don't know why we shush you.
"Shh. There it is."
[crowd laughs, cheers]
[chuckles] When y'all get home tonight, y'all doing it, one of you go, "Now, now…"
And the other person go, "Shh…"
[crowd laughs]
[squeals]
[chuckles]
[crowd chuckles]
My job…
is to take the life lessons that work,
pull it through, and leave the bullshit behind.
You know, like that's…
what I want to do.
And I think about times when we failed at doing that.
You know, like coming up as a kid.
We weren't always great.
I have a stepsister Robin.
Robin is deaf.
And you would've thought that Robin being deaf,
that we would've made some accommodations for her.
[crowd chuckles]
Like somebody in our family
would know sign language.
[crowd laughs]
When I tell you we ain't shit as a family…
To this day, nobody ever thought. [chuckles]
To this day, when we talk to Robin, we just yell and stomp. Everybody.
"Robin! You want something to eat?! Robin! Robin!"
[crowd laughs, applauds]
But we learned Robin got selective ears, she hear what she wants to hear. Right?
"Robin, you want something to eat?" "Uh-huh! I want some ice cream."
[crowd laughs]
"You gonna help us wash these dishes, right?"
[crowd howls]
[chuckles] Fucker, you hear us.
We cannot communicate with Robin.
[crowd chuckles]
This caught up with my father one time.
I'll never forget. I was about 13, 12, which means Robin was 18.
And I remember we were all in the living room watching TV.
And from a distance,
all of a sudden, you heard:
"Uh-huh!"
[crowd titters]
"Yeah!"
[crowd chuckles]
"Uh-huh!"
"Yeah!"
[crowd titters]
And my father was like, "What? What?"
"What is that noise?"
Like, "I don't know."
My father decides to go investigate.
I go with.
[crowd laughs]
The noise keeps going. "Uh-huh! Yeah!"
[crowd chuckles]
Noise takes us through the kitchen, down the basement steps.
Halfway down,
I know what's going on.
And I'm 13.
He's 36.
I know he know.
The closer we get to the noise, the slower my father is walking.
[crowd laughs]
You would've thought we was at a haunted house
at three o'clock in the morning.
Deep down in here,
my hand on his shoulder, his hand on my hand, over his shoulder,
as we creep towards this noise.
"Uh-huh! Yeah!"
[crowd roars with laughter]
[chuckles]
We come around the corner,
Robin and her boyfriend are in there fucking…
[crowd laughs]
…like ain't nobody home!
[crowd laughs]
I've never seen my father not know what to do, ever.
[crowd roars]
He's as far as away from you as them as I am, right?
This is all he got, "Robin! Stop all this fucking!"
"Stop all this fucking!"
They don't hear shit!
-"Uh-huh! Yeah!" -[crowd roars]
"Uh-huh! Yeah!"
-I'm 12. I'm like, "Oh, my God!" -[crowd howls]
"What is happening?"
[crowd laughs, applauds]
"Uh-huh! Yeah!"
[crowd howls]
Now my dad decides he's going to reach out and touch old boy on the shoulder.
But I think he felt like he was going to get sucked into a kind of weird threesome.
So he's reaching to them, holding my hand, I'm holding the door.
[crowd howls]
He's reaching, they fucking.
He's yelling, "Robin!"
[crowd laughs]
"Stop this fucking!"
[laughter continues]
I'm like, "Oh, my God!"
[crowd cheers]
[chuckles]
[crowd laughs, howls]
[crowd chuckles]
On the nightstand is a glass of water.
My father picks it up, throws it on both of them.
[sharp exhale] They separate.
My father's like, "What the fuck, Robin? What the fuck are you doing?"
Robin was like, "I didn't know. I didn't-- I didn't know."
[crowd howls with laughter]
My father looked at her and went, "Uh-huh…"
-[crowd] Yeah. -"Yeah!"
I'm David Arnold, y'all!
Thank you very much!
I fuck with y'all.
[crowd cheers, applauds]
Thank you.
[cheering continues]
[applause continues]
[crowd cheers]
[whistling]
[whistling, cheering]
[cheering and applause continue]
The reason that I called the special It Ain't For The Weak,
because I've been doing this for 27 years,
inside of a vacuum,
pretty much on the underbelly of this business,
and to have the passion that I have to do this
still at this point…
You can't do that
and not have some type of strength to push through. It's not--
You want to be in this business, it's not for the weak.
So I'm getting ready to go on tour
and I'm doing 20 cities between now and January 29th,
when I perform and record my second Netflix special,
and I guess that means I will probably have run this set about a hundred times,
and over the next several months
I will be prepping and tweaking and punching and cutting
and, uh, doing the set again and again and again.
["You're the One" by the O'Jays plays]
[David] A few years ago, I started posting comedy videos on social media
about my family
and with my family.
Since then, my social media following has exploded
and that has brought awareness to my stand-up comedy.
Be ready. Have something to say.
So, uh, we getting ready to discuss where we going on family vacation,
again, like we do every year.
-Yes. -And so I've gathered the, uh, the three…
uh… people in the other--
-People? -People?
The other three people that live here.
So we can see what they--
You mean the people who count, whose opinions matter-- matters the most.
No. No. The people who make you successful. Yes.
I'm cutting all that out.
Okay. So here we go.
I honestly believe that
David and I were brought on--
We-- We were brought on this earth to be for each other.
Like we were-- God put us here for each other.
Like he was brought here to be my partner, and I was brought here to be his partner.
I feel like, when I watch him do stand-up and he's talking about our family, um…
that I begin to relive it again.
And I see his point of view in some things.
A lot of times, I want to come up on stage and be like,
"But I need to tell you guys, like, my point of view." [laughs]
I want to share, like, where-- what I feel and what I think.
But most of the time I'm just too busy laughing to even consider doing that.
Got two, a 14, 16-year-old. Let me tell you something.
These-- First of all, these, these new kids,
they the most entitled group of people that I've ever met in my life.
-You hear me? -[crowd applauds]
But here's the thing.
I know they like this because we made them like this.
-Hi, I'm Anna Grace. -I'm Ashlyn.
I am the oldest Arnold sister.
-I'm the youngest and I'm 14. -And I am 16.
It's actually been really fun growing up with my dad.
I feel like he's… he makes everything so fun and funny.
Honestly… Um…
I think it's been fun growing up with my dad.
I mean, he's made everything also really fun.
But also he's a father.
So he's going to be strict and give us rules.
-So, yeah. -Like we can never take him seriously.
-Yeah. -'Cause he's a comedian, always funny.
So any time he's trying to lecture us, I just look at him like, "That's funny."
'Cause he just doesn't know sometimes.
-It's hard to take him seriously. -Yeah.
[David] Tonight, I'll be performing at the Laugh Factory on Sunset,
which is a club I have been performing at since I started doing stand-up.
And Jamie Masada, the owner of the club,
um, has always been very supportive of me,
and you know, we-- It's a night of working out.
Me and my friends are gonna perform
and hang out and talk shit afterwards like comedians do.
Um…
It's all a part of getting ready for the special.
-So how did you prep for the special? -Tour.
I went-- I did like 20 cities.
Literally, like for the last six months, 20 cities, five shows per city,
so a hundred times.
I've done this set a hundred times.
-You are Mr. Structure. -Yes.
It could be a fire over here, a kid getting kidnapped…
-[laughs] -Seriously!
"Dave, there's a kid!"
-"Forget about that, stay on the set." -"Traffic."
He'd be like, "Nigga, fuck your little jokes."
[upbeat music plays]
[woman] You were in bed with Paul.
And I remember Paul looked at you and said,
"Uh, Anna Mae, this boy gonna be nothing but a clown."
-[David] Yes. -[Anna] Can you believe that?
-[David] Yes. -He was--
[David] He said I was gonna be nothing but a clown.
-[Anna] Look at you. -[David] When I was six months old.
[Anna] I know. Look at you now, a straight-up clown.
-[David] Yep. -Wow.
Like, coming here and doing this…
I feel like I've done what I was supposed to do.
And I feel like…
I can put this…
to bed and I can let this go.
'Cause I take all of this with me everywhere I go,
all of this good stuff that I learned here from my grandfather and my grandmother.
It's good to be in my hometown of Cleveland, Ohio.
-[Tammi] Well, well, well… -Hey, hey, hey, what's up?
[both chuckling]
-[David] What's up? -[Tammi] Good to see you.
[David laughs]
Good to see you. Looking good.
Yeah. Where's Mama?
[sighs] You know your mother's in there, running things like she always does.
[chuckles] Trying to take over my house.
I heard my mother give my sister advice when I was 11. It changed my life.
She's like, "You don't never date no man that don't wear no watch."
I said, "Why?"
She said, "No watch means he don't care what time it is,
which means he ain't got shit to do." I said, "Goddamn!"
[crowd laughs]
[mom] I think David and I have always been--
I've been-- always been very honest with all of my children.
I never pres-- I never presented myself as a perfect mother.
-Because I wasn't, I was human. -Yeah.
And I made mistakes in my humanness,
but I always wanted David and all my children to see my humanness.
Because all of us are human.
And I was probably a little bit too honest with some things.
-Yes. -But-- [chuckles]
-You told me my father wasn't my father. -Yes.
-He was very upset about that. -Yes, I know.
[David] When I was 17,
I found out that
who, uh, raised me, Eddie,
was actually my adoptive father,
and I thought that that was my biological father.
And everybody knew but me.
Dad!
-Dad! -[dad] Who's that?
-[David] Hey! -[dad] Dave!
-What's happening, dude? -[David] What's up, man?
-[dad] What you doing? -[chuckles] How you doing?
-[dad] Good. -[David] Good to see you.
Man, I'm not used to you coming out the house like that.
-You know. -[laughs]
[chuckles] I ain't. When I seen you, you know what I was thinking about?
I-- I remember you coming across that lawn,
when you were supposed to be out looking for a job.
-Remember that? -[laughs]
Know what I'm saying? I was never supposed to do nothing
but do this.
My father, he never understood that.
My father-- I grew up-- My father-- My father is--
My father's an engineer, he's retired.
He works.
He like-- He don't get not working. You understand? That don't make no sense.
When I was a kid, he was like, "I've never seen nobody fuck around and play all day."
[crowd laughs]
"That's all you do. Fuck around and play and fuck around."
What? What? Why? Why?
-What is it? -I was just cleaning out the--
Clean-- Cleaning up my drawer.
I started finding all kinds of stuff, man.
I found a receipt. Remember receipts when I got you out of jail six times?
[laughs] Why does the number grow every time?
-No. It was really seven times. -[chuckles]
My stepmother would watch us all weekend 'cause my father would work on his car.
My stepmother always had an attitude.
She wore a robe that didn't have no string on it,
she held it with one hand.
Always had a cigarette, and would cuss us out.
"You goddamn kids get on my goddamn nerves."
[crowd laughs]
[David] I just know that you…
[stepmom] Would be agitated.
Would be agitated, but the thing that I--
And I told him this, and I just got to tell you that…
How much I appreciate…
[chuckles]
…you taking care of us.
-Oh… -Because I know it wasn't easy.
And when I see this, I go-- I don't know how you didn't…
-Kill you. -Kill me.
[all laugh]
I think the thing for me is that…
That means the most is that you-- That you--
How you gave me your name, and you adopted me and took care of me.
Even after you and Mom got divorced, and you didn't have to do that.
Well, David, it's like…
[clears throat]
Just because you make a baby, don't mean you going to be a father.
It takes a father to raise a child and to make him into a man.
To be honest with you,
I loved you from the first moment I saw you.
You were about four months old
and I've loved you every, every, every moment since then.
Then I realized what my stepfather taught me.
In 2005, when I watched him get inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame
with The O'Jays right over here.
[crowd cheers, applauds]
That he taught me something that I didn't even realize he taught me,
which is to never quit.
As long as I've known him, to this day, 81 years old, he still does not quit.
Every time I see him. "What's happening? I got a meeting."
-"Ain't no goddamn meetings, it's over." -[crowd laughs]
[music plays]
-[man] Here we go. -[David] I'm not gonna lie.
I'm very excited about being in here, 'cause I've never been here.
[man chuckles] Wow.
-[David] Yeah. -I-- I just took it for granted that--
That I was here?
[man] I mean that you had been down here before.
Whatever dreams that you have,
just work on doing that.
You know what I'm saying?
That's all you can do, is put the work in.
The work ends up with good results.
-If you just put the work in. -Mm-hm.
[David] So, wow, do you--?
Do you remember this picture?
[Bobby] Yep.
At Leo's-- We took that at Leo's Casino.
[David] And who's old boy?
Freddie Arrington, he was the emcee.
Wow.
So, like-- So, like, doing…
Leo's Casino was like doing the Apollo?
[sighs]
Leo's, or Leo's Casino, was, uh, the big place in Cleveland
where all of the shows came.
Wow.
And Freddie Arrington was the emcee.
-He always emceed. -Right.
You know.
-Uh, most of the shows at Leo's Casino-- -How old were y'all?
In our twenties, early twenties.
I think I'm most proud of David, uh,
seeing him be as successful as he is.
His writing skills. His acting skills. His, um…
his comedy skills,
but I think I'm most proud of who he is as a man.
I'm most proud of David's character.
I love the way he fathers his children.
I love the way he, he loves his wife.
So it tells me that I raised a man of extraordinary character,
and that makes me happy.
I graduated from high school with a 1.8. Do you understand?
No, listen to me. I did not-- I--
I don't even know if I graduated, to be honest.
I just left with them niggas I came with, I swear to God.
There's no doubt that this is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.
There's no doubt that I graduated from high school with a 1.8 for a reason.
There's no doubt that I've been in and out of rehab three times.
'Cause I needed all of those experiences to make me be exactly who I am today.
So I can tell the stories that I tell.
I graduated from here at the bottom of my class.
I graduated from this school with a 1.8 GPA.
Wow.
I did-- I just did not--
My mind was always
somewhere else.
I was always like,
I don't know what it was.
It was just, this, this place was so huge to me…
Hmm.
…and it felt like everything was going around me a thousand miles an hour.
So do you remember this?
The Gallery of Success, like our Hall of Fame for Beachwood?
Yes, I do remember this.
We went to the same-- This is my class.
-[Bob] Yeah. '86. -We graduated from the--
He's on-- 'Cause he's a television writer and producer.
-[Kevin] Mm-hm. -Hollywood comedy writer.
All right. So when am I…?
[chuckles]
-Come on, I need to be on the wall. -Hey…
[all laugh]
I need-- Jonathan didn't bring Netflix here.
-I need to be on the wall. -[men chuckling]
This is incredible.
The Comedy Cellar is like
what the Laugh Factory and The Comedy Store is in LA.
It is the Mecca of comedy in New York.
The Cellar is where everybody who's anybody goes to work on their act.
Soon as I left, two weeks into me leaving, my wife texts me.
She's like, "Do you miss us?" [chuckles]
I was like, "I gotta be honest…"
[crowd titters]
"I'm fine, okay?"
[crowd laughs]
We've been at home for 18 months,
let's not act like we're not on each other's nerves.
Like this.
We're in New York, in Manhattan.
I'm headlining, uh, Caroline's Comedy Club, on Broadway.
I remember walking into that room and it being so big,
and like the whole moment.
Because Caroline's is such a--
You know, it's a classic, historic place for stand-up in New York.
"Oh! We can't have the children fall and hurt themselves."
This is why they all got peanut allergies. This is why.
[crowd chuckles]
Participation trophies and peanut allergies are linked.
I'm telling you.
Full house.
-It is? -Yeah.
-All right. You got it. -Sold out, man.
-Huh? -Sold out.
That's great.
-Are you feeling a little nervous? -Oh, my God. What am I gonna do?
-I think I ask you that every show. -Every show she asks if I'm nervous.
The comedy culture in New York is completely different
than any that I've seen anywhere.
Comedians in New York have a grind thing about them.
-[David] Thank you. -Come on, cousin.
What's up, baby?
-Good, man. Nice crowd. -Oh. Nice.
We reached those numbers and beyond.
[laughs]
Management's happy.
-What's up, man? -Nailed it.
There's Chad. Yeah. Hey.
-What's up? How you doing? -[Chad] Doing well, ready for the show.
What's up, Manny. Yes, let's do it.
[Christopher] This way.
[David] For years I've been doing stand-up
in a space of not knowing who I am.
This is the first time that I've been on tour,
that I've been out, in 27 years of doing this,
where people come to see me, they bought tickets.
Tonight is sold out,
and all those people came because they know who David A. Arnold is.
I love you.
What's up?
What's happening? I see you!
[crowd cheers]
[chuckles]
We are at the Hanna Theatre in Cleveland, Ohio, um,
where I'm getting ready to tape my second Netflix special tomorrow night.
Uh, this place will be…
on fire.
This didn't happen overnight.
Nothing I have was given to me.
Everything I've been blessed with has been earned.
[upbeat music plays]
Some people will say I came out of nowhere,
that I just appeared.
[David chuckles]
No.
I've been doing this for a long time.
Working,
pushing,
grinding.
Navigating and overcoming rejection after rejection.
I've faced many obstacles in my journey,
the biggest being myself, my mentality, and my attitude,
but, every day, I've worked to be a little better than I was the day before.
I've come a long way from where I started,
and I still have a ways to go,
but that doesn't mean I'm not proud of the things I've accomplished,
because those things have made me better, stronger,
and more prepared for moments like this.
I want my family to know they have a son, a brother, a father, and a husband
that gives it everything he's got.
So many people live their lives making excuses.
I refuse to live in the shadows of, "What if?"
Today is the day I step into my destiny.
This journey is not supposed to be easy.
It's supposed to be hard.
It's supposed to be challenging,
because this journey that I walk…
[crowd cheers]
…it ain't for the weak.
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
David A. Arnold!
[crowd cheers]
[upbeat music plays]