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You know? 1100 00:45:06,120 --> 00:45:08,205 And the next one said, "Look at this motherfu…" 1101 00:45:08,288 --> 00:45:09,248 It was me. 1102 00:45:09,331 --> 00:45:11,333 [crowd laughing] 1103 00:45:12,668 --> 00:45:14,628 "What happened to this guy?" 1104 00:45:15,337 --> 00:45:16,672 And it was a good picture. 1105 00:45:18,924 --> 00:45:21,009 Oh boy, but that's not… 1106 00:45:21,593 --> 00:45:23,429 That's neither here nor there, guys. 1107 00:45:24,263 --> 00:45:25,222 [groaning] 1108 00:45:26,890 --> 00:45:29,226 I remember the last day before the old, um… 1109 00:45:29,852 --> 00:45:31,353 You know, lockdown. 1110 00:45:31,437 --> 00:45:33,313 My big day was… Went to IHOP. 1111 00:45:34,481 --> 00:45:35,983 -You do know what IHOP is? -[man] I do. 1112 00:45:36,066 --> 00:45:37,943 Okay. We're getting somewhere. 1113 00:45:38,026 --> 00:45:38,902 Um, 1114 00:45:39,403 --> 00:45:41,655 and I found a hair in my eggs, 1115 00:45:41,739 --> 00:45:42,948 and I ate them anyway. 1116 00:45:43,031 --> 00:45:44,241 Here's what happened. 1117 00:45:44,324 --> 00:45:47,453 I didn't wanna wait 20 minutes to… for new ones, 1118 00:45:47,536 --> 00:45:50,122 and there was no witnesses. 1119 00:45:50,205 --> 00:45:52,291 But it was a pube. I should've said that. 1120 00:45:52,374 --> 00:45:54,918 -[crowd laughing] -That makes it a little weird. Right? 1121 00:45:55,002 --> 00:45:58,046 Little wiggly pube. You can tell a pube on sight. 1122 00:45:59,339 --> 00:46:01,592 It's got a little wessonality to it. You know? 1123 00:46:02,551 --> 00:46:04,261 And it was still attached to the guy's balls. 1124 00:46:04,344 --> 00:46:05,554 That was the worst part. 1125 00:46:05,637 --> 00:46:06,889 [crowd laughing] 1126 00:46:07,473 --> 00:46:09,892 I ate around it. I didn't care. He didn't care. I didn't care. 1127 00:46:10,559 --> 00:46:12,853 But he didn't work there. I thought… 1128 00:46:14,438 --> 00:46:16,440 So, by the way, pubes are out there 1129 00:46:16,523 --> 00:46:18,776 and I know girls are like, "Oh, I'm hardwood, not carpet," 1130 00:46:18,859 --> 00:46:20,486 but guys… 1131 00:46:20,986 --> 00:46:21,987 Oh, 1132 00:46:22,070 --> 00:46:23,113 it is Mount Pubic. 1133 00:46:23,197 --> 00:46:25,949 If you've ever been to the urinal here… here, 1134 00:46:26,950 --> 00:46:29,745 There's maybe 50,000 pubes in it 1135 00:46:29,828 --> 00:46:31,497 and I… I don't know how. 1136 00:46:32,247 --> 00:46:33,332 You go in there, 1137 00:46:33,415 --> 00:46:35,709 just pull your wiener out and pee. 1138 00:46:35,793 --> 00:46:38,754 What's the ruckus and commotion? 1139 00:46:39,963 --> 00:46:41,757 It's like you're cleaning a brush. 1140 00:46:41,840 --> 00:46:43,258 -[yelling] -[crowd laughing] 1141 00:46:43,342 --> 00:46:46,428 Wha… What? And there's ten on the upper deck. 1142 00:46:47,429 --> 00:46:49,848 Are they, like… They're… they're making a break for it. 1143 00:46:49,932 --> 00:46:50,849 Anyway, I don't know. 1144 00:46:50,933 --> 00:46:54,269 I'm not gonna fix that tonight, but that makes me crazy. 1145 00:46:54,353 --> 00:46:57,689 So I'm brainwashed into liking beavers 1146 00:46:57,773 --> 00:47:00,651 because I grew up with bushes. 1147 00:47:00,734 --> 00:47:04,655 I grew up with Hustler and Penthouse and Play-- You know. 1148 00:47:04,738 --> 00:47:06,824 All these had a bush, 1149 00:47:06,907 --> 00:47:08,659 and a girl… 1150 00:47:08,742 --> 00:47:11,245 I finally s-saw one. I go, "Oh, your bush." 1151 00:47:11,328 --> 00:47:13,664 The girl goes, "Yeah, 'cause I grew up. I'm a woman now." 1152 00:47:13,747 --> 00:47:15,999 "That's what happens. What do you like? Bald?" 1153 00:47:16,083 --> 00:47:17,835 "Like a nine-year-old? Like a child molester?" 1154 00:47:17,918 --> 00:47:18,961 I go, "No, no." 1155 00:47:19,920 --> 00:47:20,879 But now, 1156 00:47:21,839 --> 00:47:22,673 any girl. 1157 00:47:22,756 --> 00:47:25,008 "You don't have a bush?" They go, "Is that what you like?" 1158 00:47:25,092 --> 00:47:25,968 I go, 1159 00:47:26,552 --> 00:47:30,097 "No, I like, um, bald nine-year-old, child molester." 1160 00:47:30,180 --> 00:47:32,808 She's like, "Good, good. That's what you're getting." 1161 00:47:32,891 --> 00:47:34,685 I'm like, "What is the real story?" 1162 00:47:34,768 --> 00:47:37,271 I mean, girls, get together, figure it out because 1163 00:47:38,522 --> 00:47:39,565 the first one makes sense. 1164 00:47:39,648 --> 00:47:42,442 And by the way, it wasn't just a cute little landing strip. 1165 00:47:42,526 --> 00:47:43,569 Not when I started. 1166 00:47:43,652 --> 00:47:46,780 Oh no. It was a babushka. 1167 00:47:47,281 --> 00:47:49,116 -Oh my God. -[crowd laughing] 1168 00:47:49,199 --> 00:47:51,451 It was like home plate. You know what I mean? 1169 00:47:51,535 --> 00:47:54,121 Like, down the legs a little. 1170 00:47:54,204 --> 00:47:56,164 It was like crab grass. You know what I mean? 1171 00:47:56,248 --> 00:47:58,959 Tickling the ribs a little. There's no rules. 1172 00:47:59,042 --> 00:48:00,085 It was lawless. 1173 00:48:00,168 --> 00:48:02,045 [crowd laughing] 1174 00:48:02,754 --> 00:48:05,799 They'd wear those old undies, looked like an airbag went off. 1175 00:48:07,050 --> 00:48:08,135 [David laughing] 1176 00:48:08,218 --> 00:48:10,762 I'd sleep on it like a My Pillow commercial. 1177 00:48:10,846 --> 00:48:13,473 [crowd laughing hysterically] 1178 00:48:16,101 --> 00:48:19,062 You'd take it off and pull on them they're three and a half feet long. 1179 00:48:19,146 --> 00:48:20,063 [boinging] 1180 00:48:20,564 --> 00:48:21,773 Jam down. 1181 00:48:23,066 --> 00:48:24,192 [groaning] 1182 00:48:25,235 --> 00:48:27,821 So I went to Macy's the other day to buy some, uh… 1183 00:48:28,447 --> 00:48:31,116 Just some things. I had to get socks. I had to get a shirt. 1184 00:48:31,199 --> 00:48:33,327 So I go… I go to the Macy's in the Valley. 1185 00:48:33,952 --> 00:48:35,078 Uh, 1186 00:48:35,162 --> 00:48:38,123 it's farther, but I'm about 9% more famous over that one, 1187 00:48:38,206 --> 00:48:41,460 so it's worth the drive, you know. 1188 00:48:41,960 --> 00:48:43,253 I have an app that tells me. 1189 00:48:43,337 --> 00:48:45,714 So I go over there and… 1190 00:48:46,715 --> 00:48:49,927 First thing I wanna get is socks, but they don't sell socks like shoes. 1191 00:48:50,010 --> 00:48:51,553 It's not size 8, 9, 10. 1192 00:48:51,637 --> 00:48:54,598 It's literally "fits sizes 5 to 28." 1193 00:48:57,351 --> 00:48:59,811 I'm just glad they don't sell condoms like that, you know. 1194 00:49:00,437 --> 00:49:02,356 "Fits sizes Asian to Black guy." 1195 00:49:02,439 --> 00:49:05,776 Because I… I sort of know that I'm all… 1196 00:49:06,902 --> 00:49:08,695 By the way, here's a trick, guys. Here's a tip. 1197 00:49:09,488 --> 00:49:11,198 Buy those Magnum rubs. 1198 00:49:11,281 --> 00:49:12,950 You know what I mean? The really big ones? 1199 00:49:13,033 --> 00:49:15,118 Just to, like, get girls in a good mood. 1200 00:49:15,202 --> 00:49:17,871 You don't have to use them. Just, like, pepper them around the house. 1201 00:49:17,955 --> 00:49:20,916 You know what I mean? Throw one in the fireplace, one by the Vitamix. 1202 00:49:20,999 --> 00:49:23,335 Doesn't even matter. Like not so obvious. 1203 00:49:23,418 --> 00:49:25,545 I use them as coasters. That's stupid. It's too obvious. 1204 00:49:26,421 --> 00:49:28,006 Girl's like, "Oh my God." 1205 00:49:28,090 --> 00:49:29,216 I'm like, "What?" 1206 00:49:30,092 --> 00:49:31,593 "What is that doing there?" 1207 00:49:32,135 --> 00:49:33,762 "That should be on my dick." 1208 00:49:33,845 --> 00:49:35,847 [crowd laughing] 1209 00:49:37,265 --> 00:49:38,141 Ah? 1210 00:49:38,809 --> 00:49:40,727 I'm so embarrassed. 1211 00:49:44,147 --> 00:49:47,275 But you really shouldn't wear the ones that are too big. You know? 1212 00:49:47,359 --> 00:49:50,237 Because nothing's worse than a droopy rubber. Right, gals? 1213 00:49:50,320 --> 00:49:51,363 I mean, it's not… 1214 00:49:52,030 --> 00:49:53,532 It's so embarrassing. 1215 00:49:54,741 --> 00:49:57,119 You're like, "This is… this is ridiculous." 1216 00:49:57,202 --> 00:49:59,413 "This one is broken. And you know what?" 1217 00:50:00,038 --> 00:50:03,125 "I never write a company. I'm going to fire off an email. This is…" 1218 00:50:03,208 --> 00:50:04,459 "Dear sirs." 1219 00:50:04,543 --> 00:50:05,419 [crowd laughing] 1220 00:50:05,502 --> 00:50:08,380 It's always embarrassing to borrow their scrunchie to keep it on. 1221 00:50:08,463 --> 00:50:11,925 "Can I… can I use that for one second? Just to double…" 1222 00:50:13,427 --> 00:50:15,095 And you don't want it loose side to side. 1223 00:50:15,178 --> 00:50:17,305 You're like… ♪ Clang, clang, clang goes the trolley ♪ 1224 00:50:17,389 --> 00:50:19,516 You try to joke it off. You know? And it's… 1225 00:50:19,599 --> 00:50:21,393 [crowd laughing] 1226 00:50:22,144 --> 00:50:24,062 I wanna invent Magnum Juniors. 1227 00:50:24,146 --> 00:50:25,939 Come on Shark Tank! 1228 00:50:26,023 --> 00:50:27,774 Magnum and then in little words "Juniors." 1229 00:50:27,858 --> 00:50:29,901 So you're like, "Junior." 1230 00:50:33,030 --> 00:50:34,031 Thinking ahead. 1231 00:50:35,657 --> 00:50:40,495 And then I bought a shirt, and they have a nine-way mirror in Macy's. 1232 00:50:40,996 --> 00:50:43,457 Now, folks, have you seen yourself from the side? 1233 00:50:43,540 --> 00:50:44,541 Don't recommend it. 1234 00:50:44,624 --> 00:50:46,793 Um, try to avoid it. 1235 00:50:46,877 --> 00:50:50,881 I am barely okay with what I look like in a one-way mirror. 1236 00:50:50,964 --> 00:50:52,215 Do you understand? Like… 1237 00:50:52,924 --> 00:50:54,968 I'm a six or seven. I read the internet. 1238 00:50:55,052 --> 00:50:57,763 I'm more personality driven. That's fine. That's fine. 1239 00:50:58,263 --> 00:50:59,890 I'm okay with that at this point. 1240 00:50:59,973 --> 00:51:02,726 I get it, but for me, looking in the mirror, 1241 00:51:02,809 --> 00:51:05,812 I know when I look okay for me. So I try the shirt on. I go… 1242 00:51:05,896 --> 00:51:06,813 [vocalizing] 1243 00:51:06,897 --> 00:51:08,065 "This one's not too bad." 1244 00:51:08,148 --> 00:51:09,274 "This is a, uh, 1245 00:51:10,150 --> 00:51:11,443 cowboy sh…" 1246 00:51:12,569 --> 00:51:14,529 [crowd laughing] 1247 00:51:14,613 --> 00:51:16,948 "Is that… That's not… Is that me?" 1248 00:51:18,158 --> 00:51:18,992 "Shut the fu…" 1249 00:51:20,035 --> 00:51:21,995 "Sickening. That's me?" 1250 00:51:22,829 --> 00:51:26,333 "That's me from the side? That's what the world sees every day?" 1251 00:51:26,416 --> 00:51:27,667 "Who invited Gollum in here?" 1252 00:51:27,751 --> 00:51:28,835 [retching] 1253 00:51:28,919 --> 00:51:30,962 "God damn. It's so sad." 1254 00:51:31,046 --> 00:51:34,966 I'm literally like a seven, six, five, two, two, two, two, two, two. 1255 00:51:35,050 --> 00:51:36,551 [crowd laughing] 1256 00:51:36,635 --> 00:51:37,469 Brutal. 1257 00:51:38,512 --> 00:51:41,681 And then I have no confidence, so if I go to a bar, I just stay flat. 1258 00:51:41,765 --> 00:51:43,558 "Hey. You ladies work together?" 1259 00:51:44,726 --> 00:51:46,103 "Oh. All in the same company, huh?" 1260 00:51:46,853 --> 00:51:47,854 "That's interesting." 1261 00:51:49,439 --> 00:51:51,983 "What are you drinking? Vodka soda? Vodka soda? I'll do a run." 1262 00:51:52,818 --> 00:51:54,402 [crowd laughing] 1263 00:51:55,654 --> 00:51:56,530 "Stay flat." 1264 00:52:00,200 --> 00:52:01,243 Jesus. 1265 00:52:02,077 --> 00:52:03,578 Jeez. 1266 00:52:06,248 --> 00:52:07,374 [sighing heavily] 1267 00:52:07,457 --> 00:52:09,668 I think my friend's a pedophile, but, um… 1268 00:52:10,710 --> 00:52:12,587 I'm gonna change gears here. 1269 00:52:13,213 --> 00:52:15,966 Um, but I'm not sure. 1270 00:52:17,050 --> 00:52:19,636 I feel like I should gather a little more data before I turn him in. 1271 00:52:19,719 --> 00:52:22,556 But, right now, it's just a hunch. 1272 00:52:23,765 --> 00:52:27,435 I went over to his house and he's watching the Little League World Series. 1273 00:52:28,145 --> 00:52:29,688 [crowd laughing] 1274 00:52:29,771 --> 00:52:30,730 I don't like it. 1275 00:52:32,399 --> 00:52:34,317 I even gave him an out. I go, "Hey, uh…" 1276 00:52:34,943 --> 00:52:36,820 "You know some… you know some kid on this TV?" 1277 00:52:36,903 --> 00:52:37,779 He goes, "No." 1278 00:52:41,783 --> 00:52:44,578 "But you gotta admit they're amazing athletes." 1279 00:52:45,954 --> 00:52:47,247 Are they? They're 12. 1280 00:52:47,914 --> 00:52:50,584 He goes, "Look at the calves on that one." I'm like, "Later." 1281 00:52:50,667 --> 00:52:52,836 Here I go. I'm gonna tiptoe out 1282 00:52:52,919 --> 00:52:54,754 while the SWAT team comes in. 1283 00:52:55,463 --> 00:52:57,132 But it is a weird world now 1284 00:52:57,215 --> 00:52:59,885 where you can't even give someone compliments about their kid. 1285 00:52:59,968 --> 00:53:03,513 You used to be able to. Like, I got a lot. 1286 00:53:03,597 --> 00:53:04,431 Um… 1287 00:53:05,473 --> 00:53:08,310 But, you know, like, someone's with their seven-year-old daughter, 1288 00:53:08,393 --> 00:53:10,103 and if you ever go, "Hey, your daughter…" 1289 00:53:10,187 --> 00:53:13,023 You can't even say, "Hey. Your daughter's pretty." They go… 1290 00:53:14,399 --> 00:53:16,067 [crowd laughing] 1291 00:53:16,735 --> 00:53:18,612 What? Come on, really? 1292 00:53:19,696 --> 00:53:20,739 Then I get offended. 1293 00:53:20,822 --> 00:53:22,407 I want to defend myself and go, 1294 00:53:22,490 --> 00:53:25,368 "Dude. I'm not some creep child molester, 1295 00:53:25,452 --> 00:53:28,496 and believe me, if I was, I'm not starting with your kid." 1296 00:53:28,580 --> 00:53:30,332 "Believe me, she's not that great." 1297 00:53:30,832 --> 00:53:32,334 "Yeah. She's okay." 1298 00:53:33,543 --> 00:53:35,462 "If I'm doing that, I'm starting with that kid 1299 00:53:35,545 --> 00:53:37,047 I saw at 7-Eleven three days ago." 1300 00:53:37,130 --> 00:53:38,298 "That's number one." 1301 00:53:38,381 --> 00:53:40,884 "Yours is… [whistling] …way down the list." 1302 00:53:42,302 --> 00:53:43,178 "Creep." 1303 00:53:43,261 --> 00:53:44,930 [crowd laughing] 1304 00:53:45,013 --> 00:53:47,307 Actually, when things happen early in life, 1305 00:53:47,390 --> 00:53:49,976 the, uh… you don't know the repercussions they have later. 1306 00:53:50,060 --> 00:53:53,396 Like, just pantsing people in grade school. 1307 00:53:53,480 --> 00:53:55,440 Stupid, funny. We've all done it. 1308 00:53:56,024 --> 00:53:59,194 I was 11, where soccer… 1309 00:54:00,028 --> 00:54:03,949 Someone dared me to pants the coach. Now, this is such a bad idea in hindsight. 1310 00:54:04,574 --> 00:54:06,451 Pants the coach during a game. 1311 00:54:07,744 --> 00:54:12,165 And no one tells me he had the biggest wang, prong, anaconda, dick in history, 1312 00:54:12,249 --> 00:54:14,042 and he doesn't wear underpants. 1313 00:54:14,125 --> 00:54:15,752 So, here I go. 1314 00:54:15,835 --> 00:54:16,753 And I go… 1315 00:54:16,836 --> 00:54:17,963 [speaking gibberish] 1316 00:54:18,463 --> 00:54:19,839 And everyone just went, 1317 00:54:19,923 --> 00:54:21,383 "What the fuck?" 1318 00:54:22,050 --> 00:54:23,969 And the whole stadium froze. 1319 00:54:25,553 --> 00:54:27,889 Especially him. He loved it. 1320 00:54:28,848 --> 00:54:32,310 He sat there and let it wave in the breeze for a while. 1321 00:54:32,894 --> 00:54:34,437 "Drink it in!" 1322 00:54:34,521 --> 00:54:36,064 [crowd laughing] 1323 00:54:36,147 --> 00:54:38,483 Let everyone know who's boss. You know? 1324 00:54:39,401 --> 00:54:43,029 He didn't even pull 'em up. He waited for a timeout, eight minutes later. 1325 00:54:43,905 --> 00:54:44,781 He finally goes, 1326 00:54:44,864 --> 00:54:46,866 "Ah, you crazy kids." 1327 00:54:46,950 --> 00:54:48,952 [crowd laughing] 1328 00:54:52,789 --> 00:54:56,459 And then, all the moms started coming to practice an hour early. You know. 1329 00:54:57,711 --> 00:55:00,714 Dressed like they're going to the Golden Globes or something. 1330 00:55:02,132 --> 00:55:03,883 Sure. 1331 00:55:06,177 --> 00:55:07,762 Flirting with girls is tough. 1332 00:55:07,846 --> 00:55:09,973 You know, sometimes you flirt with a girl you go… 1333 00:55:10,056 --> 00:55:12,225 Like I asked a girl out, and guys, here's a tip. 1334 00:55:12,309 --> 00:55:15,729 If they don't text you back right away, you're dead in the water. It's over. 1335 00:55:16,229 --> 00:55:18,606 Because I texted a girl, took her four days, 1336 00:55:19,274 --> 00:55:21,818 and she's like, "Oh my God. I'm the worst texter." 1337 00:55:22,652 --> 00:55:24,154 And I go, "Huh. Yeah." 1338 00:55:24,946 --> 00:55:25,864 And then I answer 1339 00:55:25,947 --> 00:55:28,325 and then three days later she goes, "Oh my God, I spaced." 1340 00:55:28,408 --> 00:55:29,951 "I'm so bad at this." 1341 00:55:31,828 --> 00:55:35,290 No one's bad at texting, by the way, no one on this planet. 1342 00:55:35,373 --> 00:55:39,169 And it's just such a bullshit excuse, cause I did finally get her out to dinner. 1343 00:55:39,669 --> 00:55:41,588 And all night, she's hunched over phone like this. 1344 00:55:42,213 --> 00:55:43,590 [trilling] 1345 00:55:46,092 --> 00:55:48,970 I go, "Oh. I see you're getting the hang of it." 1346 00:55:49,054 --> 00:55:51,056 [crowd laughing] 1347 00:55:53,224 --> 00:55:54,851 "You're really picking it up." 1348 00:55:55,435 --> 00:55:56,269 "Good for you." 1349 00:55:59,230 --> 00:56:00,982 So dumb. So dumb! 1350 00:56:01,941 --> 00:56:03,151 Oh boy, so… 1351 00:56:05,362 --> 00:56:06,363 I saw, um, 1352 00:56:06,946 --> 00:56:08,490 Caitlyn Jenner at a car show. 1353 00:56:09,324 --> 00:56:10,909 You know who Caitlyn Jenner is? 1354 00:56:10,992 --> 00:56:12,869 Caitlyn Jenner, when I grew up, 1355 00:56:12,952 --> 00:56:14,829 was Bruce Jenner for a long time in the Olympics, 1356 00:56:14,913 --> 00:56:18,083 and there was a little switcheroo which you heard about, and, uh, fine. 1357 00:56:19,292 --> 00:56:23,671 The only part of that that I thought was a little… interesting 1358 00:56:23,755 --> 00:56:25,757 was the name Caitlyn because 1359 00:56:27,133 --> 00:56:29,761 that's reserved for 30-year-old girls in my head. 1360 00:56:29,844 --> 00:56:33,515 That's like a psychological trick to sound younger, which I get it, 1361 00:56:33,598 --> 00:56:34,599 but it is a trick. 1362 00:56:34,682 --> 00:56:36,142 I mean, listen, my name's David. 1363 00:56:36,226 --> 00:56:38,395 It's like Marlon Blando. Like, who cares about David? 1364 00:56:38,478 --> 00:56:39,979 It's so dumb and forgettable. 1365 00:56:40,063 --> 00:56:44,192 If I wanted to sound 27, I'd change my name to Connor. You know what I mean? 1366 00:56:44,275 --> 00:56:46,152 And then I'm 27 overnight. 1367 00:56:46,236 --> 00:56:49,572 They're like, "Connor Spade, what's up?" I'm like, "Just vaping." 1368 00:56:49,656 --> 00:56:51,658 [crowd laughing] 1369 00:56:53,451 --> 00:56:55,370 But it does sound, you know. 1370 00:56:56,079 --> 00:56:57,288 It might work. 1371 00:56:57,372 --> 00:57:00,625 And Caitlyn, she was like, 71. 1372 00:57:00,708 --> 00:57:01,543 You know what? 1373 00:57:02,043 --> 00:57:03,586 You don't get to be Caitlyn. 1374 00:57:03,670 --> 00:57:06,506 You know what your name should be? Barb. 1375 00:57:07,966 --> 00:57:09,551 Barb Jenner, hi. 1376 00:57:09,634 --> 00:57:11,553 [crowd laughing, cheering, applauding] 1377 00:57:11,636 --> 00:57:12,804 "I'm Barb." 1378 00:57:13,555 --> 00:57:14,431 "How are you?" 1379 00:57:15,348 --> 00:57:17,767 Or Dottie or Ruthie, anything. 1380 00:57:18,643 --> 00:57:20,186 You're not Dakota, you're Dolores. 1381 00:57:20,270 --> 00:57:21,771 I mean, make it make sense. 1382 00:57:21,855 --> 00:57:27,610 But honestly, even my friends old me up. I hate getting olded up by my friends. 1383 00:57:27,694 --> 00:57:29,362 I have girls. I go, "Wanna meet my friends?" 1384 00:57:29,446 --> 00:57:32,031 I see you coming I go, "You know Rick, Pete, and Roger?" 1385 00:57:32,115 --> 00:57:33,658 They're like, "What the fuck?" 1386 00:57:33,741 --> 00:57:35,452 "No, thanks. Sounds old over there." 1387 00:57:35,535 --> 00:57:36,661 "I don't need to see him." 1388 00:57:36,744 --> 00:57:37,996 [chuckling lightly] 1389 00:57:38,079 --> 00:57:38,913 It's tragic. 1390 00:57:38,997 --> 00:57:41,499 I have to lie. "Oh, you know, Aiden, Cayden, and Jaden." 1391 00:57:41,583 --> 00:57:44,043 They're like, "Oh! Yeah." 1392 00:57:44,127 --> 00:57:45,670 "Let's get a bottle." 1393 00:57:45,753 --> 00:57:47,046 [crowd laughing] 1394 00:57:47,130 --> 00:57:48,173 And when Caitlyn 1395 00:57:49,340 --> 00:57:50,216 came out, 1396 00:57:50,300 --> 00:57:52,427 I mean, all the celebrities were so supportive. 1397 00:57:52,510 --> 00:57:56,222 I mean, Courteney Cox and Cindy Crawford were like, "Caitlyn looks amazing." 1398 00:57:56,306 --> 00:57:58,099 "She is so beautiful." 1399 00:57:58,183 --> 00:58:00,185 And they're like, "Oh, you kind of look like her." 1400 00:58:00,268 --> 00:58:01,936 "Fuck you. Are you serious?" 1401 00:58:02,562 --> 00:58:06,232 "That monster? Take it back. Take it back." 1402 00:58:06,316 --> 00:58:08,860 The guy's like, "You kind of changed your tune a little bit." 1403 00:58:09,360 --> 00:58:10,862 [crowd laughing] 1404 00:58:10,945 --> 00:58:11,863 [David laughing] 1405 00:58:13,198 --> 00:58:15,241 You're having fun, aren't you? Good. 1406 00:58:15,325 --> 00:58:16,284 [crowd cheering] 1407 00:58:16,367 --> 00:58:17,285 All right. Yeah. 1408 00:58:17,827 --> 00:58:19,162 I love it here, guys. 1409 00:58:20,663 --> 00:58:22,457 I love it that you came down. 1410 00:58:24,375 --> 00:58:25,710 I got my cowboy shirt. 1411 00:58:25,793 --> 00:58:29,380 Things are clicking. Things are really… I did fly. 1412 00:58:30,423 --> 00:58:33,468 I flew here on a… I'm gonna say Southwest. 1413 00:58:36,095 --> 00:58:39,682 Southwest is kind of a crummy airline. And this does not leave this building. 1414 00:58:39,766 --> 00:58:40,600 Um… 1415 00:58:41,518 --> 00:58:44,771 They… First of all, I've flown them for years. You know. 1416 00:58:45,355 --> 00:58:47,023 But when I go in the terminal, 1417 00:58:47,106 --> 00:58:51,110 I'm not even a quarter mile away, and they're like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" 1418 00:58:52,028 --> 00:58:54,656 "Before you get on board, we have to clean the aircraft." 1419 00:58:54,739 --> 00:58:57,492 It's literally one guy with Febreze going like this… [blowing raspberry] 1420 00:58:57,575 --> 00:58:58,868 "All right. Bring them on." 1421 00:58:59,494 --> 00:59:01,538 "Bring on the cattle." And it's literally everyone. 1422 00:59:01,621 --> 00:59:02,830 "Number 1 through 1000." 1423 00:59:02,914 --> 00:59:04,832 I'm like, "Oh, that's me." [grunting] 1424 00:59:04,916 --> 00:59:07,794 It's like electric football. You know, everyone smashing into each other. 1425 00:59:08,378 --> 00:59:09,420 And then… 1426 00:59:09,504 --> 00:59:12,423 This… the flight attendant has got the shorts on, 1427 00:59:13,007 --> 00:59:14,342 'cause they're the fun airline. 1428 00:59:14,425 --> 00:59:16,803 Let me tell you a secret. No one's having fun. 1429 00:59:16,886 --> 00:59:18,179 She's not. I'm not. 1430 00:59:18,721 --> 00:59:21,349 She's drenched in sweat 'cause Vegas is their hub. 1431 00:59:21,432 --> 00:59:22,267 Lingo. 1432 00:59:22,350 --> 00:59:25,270 And so she's straddling jetway to plane like this. 1433 00:59:25,353 --> 00:59:27,897 "Get on the plane. Everyone get on the plane." 1434 00:59:27,981 --> 00:59:29,941 "Please, we have to push off the gate." 1435 00:59:30,024 --> 00:59:32,151 That's all they care about. "Push off the gate." 1436 00:59:32,235 --> 00:59:34,779 "Push, push. Gate, gate. Off. Go." 1437 00:59:34,862 --> 00:59:36,406 And we're in the hall and I'm like this. 1438 00:59:36,489 --> 00:59:40,410 And she goes, "Please, quit looking for an aisle seat. There's none." 1439 00:59:40,493 --> 00:59:43,746 "There's only middle seats. We're the only all middle seat airline." 1440 00:59:43,830 --> 00:59:44,914 "It's almost impossible." 1441 00:59:44,998 --> 00:59:49,252 "We only have middle seats. And don't even dart your eyes at the overhead." 1442 00:59:49,335 --> 00:59:51,462 "Those are full. They're slammed shut." 1443 00:59:51,546 --> 00:59:53,590 "They've been full since 4 a.m." 1444 00:59:53,673 --> 00:59:57,760 "We don't have room for a phone cord, a nickel, or a marshmallow." 1445 00:59:57,844 --> 00:59:59,095 "Sit down." 1446 00:59:59,178 --> 01:00:02,265 "Put your crap on your lap. You paid $49." 1447 01:00:02,348 --> 01:00:05,602 "You made a deal with the devil. You knew what you were getting into." 1448 01:00:05,685 --> 01:00:07,395 "Zip it and shut up." 1449 01:00:07,478 --> 01:00:08,438 [crowd laughing] 1450 01:00:08,521 --> 01:00:10,690 So I'm sitting there with my crap on my lap, 1451 01:00:11,316 --> 01:00:14,319 and I say to the guy, "Do you think there's food on this…?" 1452 01:00:14,402 --> 01:00:17,989 "This guy thinks there's food!" I go, "No. I was… I was just asking." 1453 01:00:18,072 --> 01:00:19,699 "Here's the food sitch." 1454 01:00:21,701 --> 01:00:23,786 "We have five bags of peanuts left." 1455 01:00:25,872 --> 01:00:28,666 "Halfway through the flight we'll shoot 'em out with a T-shirt gun." 1456 01:00:28,750 --> 01:00:30,877 "All right? So look alive. Heads up." 1457 01:00:31,878 --> 01:00:34,714 "One of them's honey-roasted. You might win the lotto." 1458 01:00:34,797 --> 01:00:35,798 [crowd laughing] 1459 01:00:36,591 --> 01:00:39,886 "If you have a peanut allergy, tough shit. Two are open already." 1460 01:00:39,969 --> 01:00:43,014 "So you're sort of soaking it in, Madge, so… 1461 01:00:44,223 --> 01:00:45,975 please crawl and die in the lav." 1462 01:00:47,602 --> 01:00:48,561 But they were very nice. 1463 01:00:48,645 --> 01:00:50,146 When I left the plane I said, 1464 01:00:50,229 --> 01:00:51,856 "You know what? I just wanna thank you guys 1465 01:00:51,939 --> 01:00:55,985 because everyone's calling in sick now and the flights are delayed, 1466 01:00:56,069 --> 01:00:57,320 but I appreciate you coming in." 1467 01:00:57,403 --> 01:00:59,614 And she goes, "I know. I have COVID and I came in." 1468 01:00:59,697 --> 01:01:01,407 And I go, "I know, and thank you." 1469 01:01:01,908 --> 01:01:04,035 That's what I mean. Above and beyond. 1470 01:01:04,118 --> 01:01:05,995 [crowd laughing] 1471 01:01:06,079 --> 01:01:07,955 [David laughing] 1472 01:01:10,208 --> 01:01:12,126 Porn genie. 1473 01:01:12,794 --> 01:01:14,545 I, uh… I did take a, um… 1474 01:01:14,629 --> 01:01:16,172 Oh my God. It's a Rolex. 1475 01:01:16,255 --> 01:01:17,298 I did, um… 1476 01:01:17,382 --> 01:01:19,384 [crowd laughing] 1477 01:01:20,843 --> 01:01:22,970 [David chuckling] 1478 01:01:24,722 --> 01:01:25,973 Stupid. I… 1479 01:01:27,100 --> 01:01:28,893 I took a private jet recently, 1480 01:01:28,976 --> 01:01:31,854 and I'm only bragging because I rarely do. 1481 01:01:32,480 --> 01:01:34,732 You see, I see girls on Instagram. 1482 01:01:34,816 --> 01:01:37,193 Why is it every single model is on a private jet at all times. 1483 01:01:37,276 --> 01:01:39,028 You know how expensive they are? 1484 01:01:39,112 --> 01:01:40,863 I'm like, "These girls are hybrid hookers." 1485 01:01:40,947 --> 01:01:42,281 It's hard to explain, but… 1486 01:01:42,907 --> 01:01:45,868 they're not bullhooks, but you know what? 1487 01:01:45,952 --> 01:01:47,370 Stay after and I'll tell you. 1488 01:01:47,453 --> 01:01:49,831 But anyway, that's not why we're here. 1489 01:01:49,914 --> 01:01:52,291 But, I've been on private jets. 1490 01:01:52,375 --> 01:01:54,335 I know how much they are, and they're this big. 1491 01:01:54,419 --> 01:01:56,337 They're literally like a thermometer. 1492 01:01:56,421 --> 01:01:59,382 They don't show those on Instagram, it's too embarrassing. I've been on them. 1493 01:01:59,465 --> 01:02:01,926 They're two feet high and it's like an MRI with wings. 1494 01:02:02,009 --> 01:02:02,844 I'm like this… 1495 01:02:02,927 --> 01:02:04,345 [crowd laughing] 1496 01:02:04,429 --> 01:02:05,346 [trilling] 1497 01:02:05,430 --> 01:02:07,140 [clacking] 1498 01:02:07,223 --> 01:02:12,895 [imitating MRI sounds] 1499 01:02:14,647 --> 01:02:16,816 You've had an MRI. You've had an MRI. 1500 01:02:17,608 --> 01:02:19,360 You've had an MRI. 1501 01:02:19,444 --> 01:02:22,071 Get that soundtrack just to chill. 1502 01:02:22,155 --> 01:02:23,656 [crowd laughing] 1503 01:02:23,740 --> 01:02:24,949 [imitating MRI sounds] 1504 01:02:25,032 --> 01:02:25,950 Hammer. Hammer. 1505 01:02:26,868 --> 01:02:29,746 But yeah, so I got one juicy plane. 1506 01:02:30,872 --> 01:02:33,166 These guys flew me to a gig in Jackson Hall. 1507 01:02:33,249 --> 01:02:35,126 I was so stoked. I took my friend. 1508 01:02:35,209 --> 01:02:37,587 We're on the flight, and I'm like, "Finally, a juicy jet 1509 01:02:37,670 --> 01:02:40,256 and I get to live the hybrid hooker life." 1510 01:02:40,339 --> 01:02:43,009 So I'm on there, and I'm sitting there, 1511 01:02:43,092 --> 01:02:44,302 and it's going well. 1512 01:02:44,802 --> 01:02:48,222 And then the pilot comes out, and he comes out like all doomsday. 1513 01:02:48,306 --> 01:02:49,265 He's like this. 1514 01:02:49,348 --> 01:02:52,518 [breathing heavily] 1515 01:02:52,602 --> 01:02:55,271 I'm like, "Is this joker smoking?" 1516 01:02:56,147 --> 01:02:57,815 And he goes, "Here's what's going on." 1517 01:02:57,899 --> 01:03:01,110 "Uh, we're about 30 away, 1518 01:03:01,194 --> 01:03:04,655 and it's gonna get real bad." 1519 01:03:05,198 --> 01:03:06,949 [crowd laughing] 1520 01:03:07,617 --> 01:03:09,285 Absolutely no bedside manner. 1521 01:03:09,368 --> 01:03:12,872 I go, "It's going to get real bad. What do you mean? What, what, what? How?" 1522 01:03:12,955 --> 01:03:16,083 And he goes, "Well, there's 130 mile-an-hour winds 1523 01:03:16,167 --> 01:03:17,752 and there's a full snowstorm, 1524 01:03:18,419 --> 01:03:20,505 so it's gonna get real bad." 1525 01:03:22,757 --> 01:03:24,008 "But you know what?" 1526 01:03:24,091 --> 01:03:25,259 "I say we go for it." 1527 01:03:25,343 --> 01:03:27,512 [crowd laughing] 1528 01:03:27,595 --> 01:03:29,472 He walks away. I go, "What is it?" 1529 01:03:30,932 --> 01:03:33,142 "Did he say 'we're gonna go for it'? What does that mean?" 1530 01:03:33,226 --> 01:03:36,187 My buddy was, "We're going for it." I go, "Going for what?" 1531 01:03:36,270 --> 01:03:37,688 "Is this scary?" 1532 01:03:37,772 --> 01:03:38,731 "Should we not do it?" 1533 01:03:38,815 --> 01:03:40,066 Then it's like… 1534 01:03:40,149 --> 01:03:41,567 I go… [speaking gibberish] 1535 01:03:41,651 --> 01:03:44,737 I'm locked in like a bronco, my Diet Coke hits the ceiling. 1536 01:03:44,821 --> 01:03:46,364 Terrified. Terrified. 1537 01:03:46,447 --> 01:03:49,534 You know how some people laugh when they're scared? I pee. 1538 01:03:49,617 --> 01:03:51,869 So I'm pissing all over the place. 1539 01:03:52,453 --> 01:03:54,413 Anyway, and then it stops for one second, 1540 01:03:54,497 --> 01:03:57,041 and he goes, "Go ask him." I go… [panicked breathing] So I go… 1541 01:03:57,667 --> 01:03:59,460 [breathing heavily] 1542 01:03:59,544 --> 01:04:00,378 [groaning] 1543 01:04:00,461 --> 01:04:01,420 I'm already sick. 1544 01:04:01,504 --> 01:04:03,589 I go up, I go, "Hey. Earlier…" and he goes, "What?" 1545 01:04:03,673 --> 01:04:06,759 I go, "I'm the customer! You don't yell at me." 1546 01:04:07,468 --> 01:04:11,389 "You said something earlier about going for it. We don't have to go for anything." 1547 01:04:11,472 --> 01:04:14,433 "Like, who cares about the stupid game." He goes, "Hey." 1548 01:04:15,184 --> 01:04:19,397 "Listen, if there's even 100 feet of visibility above the tarmac, 1549 01:04:19,480 --> 01:04:20,940 we can legally land." 1550 01:04:21,023 --> 01:04:22,108 I go, 1551 01:04:22,984 --> 01:04:24,026 "Legally?" 1552 01:04:24,610 --> 01:04:26,571 "I… That sounds bad. I don't want to leave." 1553 01:04:26,654 --> 01:04:28,531 He goes, "We got a ten-second window. Sit down!" 1554 01:04:28,614 --> 01:04:31,158 I go, "God damn. Why do I keep doing what you say?" 1555 01:04:31,242 --> 01:04:34,704 So I sit down and then this wham, wham, wham, wham. 1556 01:04:34,787 --> 01:04:36,539 Can't believe how scary it is. 1557 01:04:36,622 --> 01:04:37,957 And then we look out the window. 1558 01:04:38,040 --> 01:04:40,751 Snow, snow, snow. And then blank. And then… [thudding] …we hit. 1559 01:04:40,835 --> 01:04:43,754 I go, "Did we crash? No, we landed?" 1560 01:04:43,838 --> 01:04:45,381 [whimpering] 1561 01:04:46,215 --> 01:04:47,717 So I get up and the stairs are like… 1562 01:04:47,800 --> 01:04:48,676 [hissing] 1563 01:04:48,759 --> 01:04:51,637 And I go, "Oh my God. Oh my God. I lived." 1564 01:04:51,721 --> 01:04:53,723 And then I go over and I go… [groaning] 1565 01:04:55,558 --> 01:04:56,767 And I get on the tarmac. 1566 01:04:56,851 --> 01:04:58,352 [blowing] 1567 01:04:58,436 --> 01:05:00,646 It is a solid mile of nothing. 1568 01:05:00,730 --> 01:05:04,525 There is no other plane within a mile, and I go, 1569 01:05:05,318 --> 01:05:06,235 "What's happening?" 1570 01:05:06,319 --> 01:05:08,529 And then these two crew guys, just go like this. 1571 01:05:09,071 --> 01:05:11,741 [crowd laughing] 1572 01:05:11,824 --> 01:05:13,659 I go, "What… what happened?" 1573 01:05:13,743 --> 01:05:16,746 They go, "Dude, you just popped out of the clouds." 1574 01:05:19,916 --> 01:05:23,044 I go, "What do you mean?" They go, "It just popped out from 20 feet up." 1575 01:05:23,127 --> 01:05:23,961 "You just appeared." 1576 01:05:24,045 --> 01:05:25,838 I go, "Where is everybody?" 1577 01:05:25,922 --> 01:05:29,717 He goes, "Oh, man. 37 planes had to divert." 1578 01:05:29,800 --> 01:05:32,053 [crowd laughing] 1579 01:05:32,136 --> 01:05:33,804 "You're the only one that landed." 1580 01:05:33,888 --> 01:05:36,515 I go, "Shut up!" I go, "Why'd they divert?" 1581 01:05:36,599 --> 01:05:39,185 I hear behind me, "'Cause they're pussies." 1582 01:05:39,268 --> 01:05:40,144 I go… 1583 01:05:40,645 --> 01:05:42,021 -[crowd laughing] -[David laughing] 1584 01:05:42,104 --> 01:05:45,149 You guys, thank you for having me. 1585 01:05:45,232 --> 01:05:46,359 [rock music playing] 1586 01:05:46,442 --> 01:05:47,401 I love you. 1587 01:05:47,485 --> 01:05:48,361 I appreciate it. 1588 01:05:48,444 --> 01:05:49,862 [crowd cheering, applauding] 1589 01:05:58,829 --> 01:06:00,665 [cheering, applause continues] 1590 01:06:13,803 --> 01:06:14,720 [music fades]