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SEVEN STORMY DAYS
AN EERIE ISLAND
FULL OF DANGER
AND SECRETS
COMING SOON TO THEATERS
The story so far….…
So there 's this, um, guy
and he has this, um….…
kangaroo move into his apartment…
And this guy
had a crush on his neighbor…
And his neighbor, um, she… ….
Let me do this…
The story so far….…
In 1852,
in the ruins ofAshurbanipal's Library
in Nineveh, a 3, 000-year-old clay tablet was found…
44 years later, A s s y ri o I o g i s t Heinrich Zimmern from Baden
translated the writing on the tablet into German…
On the tablet, the arbiter of wisdom Shaggil-kinam-ubib noted… … …
..."If you really look,
you see that people are
by and large, stupid."
That sums things up pretty well…
So, imagine you go to the movies.
The movie starts, but you see nothing
because it's set in a dark restaurant.
- Okay. - And I've already got a title.
- "Blind Date"? - Uh, yeah.
You really can't see anything.
Hey, stop! You want me to do that to you?
Ow! My eye!
- I can't see! I'm blind! - Why exactly is the kangaroo here?
- It just came along. - He needs help.
I don't need help!
Well, then go ahead.
So...
It really is funny. You can't see anything at all.
If we can't talk on the first date, it'll be tough.
Isn't that inevitable? Do your parents still talk to each other?
- My dad's dead. - Oh, yeah. Right.
Sorry.
- Bling! - "Bling"?
- I'm counting your blunders. - Not helpful.
All right, one vegan, one vegetarian, and one with everything.
Enjoy your meal.
- Thank you. - Finally.
How's yours? Mine's pretty dry.
Because you're eating the decorations.
How dumb would it be to have decorations in a dark restaurant?
What are you doing? You can't turn on a flashlight in here.
That's not a flashlight.
- That is a flashlight. - Dude!
- What are you doing? - I can't see anything.
That's the point.
- I thought this was a dark restaurant. - Yeah...
I set my mom up on Facebook so she wouldn't be so lonely in Backwood.
But now she's denying climate change.
- My uncle was afraid of chemtrails. - Was?
Yeah, he was always looking up at the sky and got hit by a tram.
- Sorry, of course, that's not funny. - Well, it kind of is.
Anyway, now my mom keeps sending me Adam Krieger videos.
At first I didn't take it seriously, but now we just yell at each other.
- I've got to go. - Tell the waiter.
Nonsense, I have a great sense of direction.
- Hey! - Sorry, wrong direction.
Please sneak out before the next date.
- Sorry. - I tried to do that today.
Whose dog is running free in here?
TOILETS
We have about 60 seconds. Time to speed date.
What is your favorite book, film, animal,
color, city, country, river, joke?
"Momo", "The Matrix", pig, black, Paris, Portugal, Spree,
and the joke: how do you recognize a vegan at a party?
She'll tell you.
Now you.
- Can I... - No.
- ...name five each? - No.
WHERE YOU ATE? SPILL DON'T STARE
Why is it red if you're not supposed to push it?
Get out!
- Your table decorations are far too dry! - Don't touch me.
And where's my flashlight?
- Banned! - I'll come again... Uh, be back!
Oh, damn it. Screwed up the quote.
I'm your uncle...
- ...father. - Fly, you clowns...
Um... fools.
I'll relieve the babysitter.
- What? - I can relieve the babysitter.
You can tell me later where else you got kicked out of.
Three is one too few... um... too many.
But...
I'll make it up to you.
Please don't.
Don't take it too hard, dude.
Sometimes I get the feeling...
...that life is a sitcom?
A sitcom?
THE KANGAROO
THREE IS ONE TOO FEW
UM... TOO MANY
"Anna Karenina."
Too pretentious.
How about...
"The Magic Mountain."
Lying in the hammock again?
Nope. Not again. Still.
You haven't even gotten out of your pajamas.
Have you noticed some people seem to have a need
to put the obvious into words?
Which is the better favorite book? "In Search of Lost Time"?
Or "100 Years of Solitude"?
Have you even read them?
I... Well, I have them on my bookshelf. That count?
By the way, I'm not talking to you anymore.
I admit, I wasn't a big help yesterday,
but I bought all the things you like.
Organic eggplant-pomelo soda
licorice wheels,
chips with coriander, and champagne truffles.
I don't like any of it.
Not any of it?
I hate coriander.
No way she wants to go out with me again.
You have to show her you'll lay it on the line for her.
And I know how to do that.
Oh, yeah? How then?
We pull her mom out of the rabbit hole.
A bet?
- What kind of a bet? - If we straighten your mom out...
- Get her to stop denying climate change. - ...we go out for dinner again.
- Okay. - In Paris.
In Paris.
- No kangaroo. - Certainly not.
- And you'll pay. - That's not...
- You don't have to... - I'll pay.
- Okay. - And you give me your gaming console.
- That's optional, of course. - Do it, and you'll get the console too.
But, Mom!
Don't worry. Grandma's a tough cookie. They're just wasting their time.
- That wouldn't be new. - No, it wouldn't.
- And what if you lose? - Then...
I'll pay for your dinner.
Nice try, but it'll have to be more.
We don't have anything.
You have a nice big apartment with an old contract.
You mean...
If you lose, then we trade apartments.
Never.
- Agreed. - Are you crazy? Ow!
You said I have to lay it on the line.
It's pretty cramped in here, huh?
We've got this.
What have I done?
You've ruined our lives.
That's what you've done.
- She's cleaning. - Pinch me.
Herta, expecting a special visitor?
Haven't you heard? Joe is coming back.
Joe who? Our Joe?
- Mighty Joe, the Steppenwolf? - Yes, he's out of prison.
- Does Maria already know? - No, it's a surprise.
Who in the hell is Joe?
Maria's ex.
Last I saw him, he carried my washing machine up to the fourth floor.
Alone.
Hey, Maria.
Hey?
My mother just invited me to an event in Köpenick.
It'd be a good chance to meet her.
THE CLIMATE CONSIPRACY
Have fun.
You're really going to go on bikes?
I can lend you our van.
No. We can hardly talk of protecting the environment and drive up in that.
- That's right. - Well...
my bike is broken, but...
I can lend you that.
- It's Jesus' old trailer. - I call it St. Peter.
- You pedal. - No.
We'll decide that in the manner passed down to us from our ancestors.
So be it.
Hey, bro, five on the kangaroo.
But no well.
No well.
Rock, paper,
scissors.
- He always does paper. Always paper! - Why?
Because I always think the kangaroo will go for the well.
Yallah…
It's not a game of chance.
Here you go.
- You shit! - Thanks!
That was my ice cream!
Come on! Go! Faster!
- Faster! Faster! - Faster, you lazy dog!
Faster! Faster! Go, faster!
Hey!
Stop there!
Stop!
- Have you ever met Maria's mom? - Nope.
How are we going to know which of the crazies...
Hey!
An established artist.
Hitler, or who?
I'm not Hitler. I'm the Captain of Köpenick.
Well, you look like Hitler.
You look like Hitler.
Seriously, dude?
Any Reich citizens among you?
Here, you can take a picture with Hitler.
Help! Help!
Help!
Come here!
KÖPENICK CITIZENS' MEETING
IMPENDING ECO-DICTATORSHIP?
We shouldn't take a confrontational approach.
- Like you did just now? - Or she'll shut down.
- So we'll use the Socratic method? - That's right.
Calmly and kindly questioning.
All righty.
Like me, many of you learned of the climate conspiracy via Adam Krieger.
- Krieger fights for the truth. - Stay vigilant!
He says the climate scare is a pretense
to raise taxes and pass new laws.
They want to tell us how to live.
WHAT DOES YOUR MOTHER LOOK LIKE?
They want to deindustrialize Germany.
That's right!
- Did you get that? - Bravo!
Yes?
The desire to be unique, a loss of control,
or just boredom?
- What was it for you? - What do you mean?
Why you fall for conspiracy theories.
The CIA invented "conspiracy theory" as a battle cry
to discredit people who think differently.
Oh, crapola.
We don't want you here!
- That's right! - We don't want your eco-fascism!
You're the friends of fascism.
- Calmly and kindly questioning? - Back off.
Not even scientists agree climate change exists.
Hogwash! That's just conspiracy bullshit.
A study analyzed more than 50,000 scientific articles
and 99.94 percent say humans are the main drivers of climate change.
My experience says otherwise.
What? Your perceived reality?
- Get lost, you sheeple! - Baa!
Baa to you!
Do you work for fake news? Or are you paid rabble-rousers?
My dear Ms. Schlabotnik,
I get what you mean, kind of.
Conspiracies are fascinating. I used to watch "The X-Files."
But why do you absolutely have to think one up?
There are enough real conspiracies.
Watergate, Prism, LIBOR, Panama Papers, Dieselgate, FIFA!
Back in 1982, Exxon Mobile had a study into climate change conducted
and, sadly, it concluded that CO2 heats up the Earth.
- Tough break. - But they did nothing.
Except start a huge disinformation campaign.
You're the ones who've fallen prey to a conspiracy.
You are actually the brainwashed sheeple.
Get lost, you clowns!
Get lost! Get lost! Get lost!
Get lost! Get lost! Get lost! Get lost!
The lady with the eggs.
Yes?
You failed to mention your mom was the one speaking.
Oops! Sorry.
Go ring.
Yes, she even has her own YouTube channel.
I'm Lisbeth Schlabotnik.… …
The movers are here! I've got to run.
Didyou know that 55 million years ago the Earth experienced a hotphase?
Now try and tellme my diesel is responsible for that too…
- Come on, let's go home. - You crazy? If we go, we won't have one.
That woman's a hopeless case.
Rock Paper Scissors? If I win, we wait for her.
- If you win then... - ...we sleep in a bunk bed from now on.
- Or you get on your knees and beg Maria. - Forget it. Never.
Let's rock it.
I thought up new rules.
What?
Pick whatever sign we want and then discuss who won.
- Sounds totally idiotic. - You in?
Of course.
I call it Rock Paper Whatever.
Rock Paper Whatever.
Sounds like a music magazine that doesn't give a shit.
Maybe Rock Paper Wizzard?
Sounds like "Pen & Paper" from Stranger Things.
Rock Paper Blizzard?
Better.
Rock,
paper,
blizzard!
- What's that supposed to be? - Chainsaw. Yours?
I, um...
A giraffe.
A giraffe versus a chainsaw?
We don't even have to discuss, do we?
No.
If I many ask, what did you expect to beat with a giraffe?
A leaf that grows high up.
Why in the hell would I do a leaf that grows high up?
What would that have beat?
Um... an animal without a long neck. I was under major time pressure.
Granted, a giraffe wasn't the best option.
- We got really great footage. - We can send it to you for YouTube.
- We're really big fans of Diesel Liesel. - I'm glad.
Come on, this way. Shortcut.
Would you give us an autograph?
Of course.
May I?
Tina and I, we met on
lovetruth.info.
Every23 minutes a contrarian falls in love on lovetruth.info…
Create a profile and click everything you believe in…
AREA 51, CHEMTRAILS, REPTILIANS...
Only the two of us clicked every conspiracy.
Chemtrails!
You are not alone.
Find someone who loves the truth as much as you…
I met my Eva here too.
I'm Adam Krieger and I recommend lovetruth.info.
Don't let them shut you up.
Stay vigilant.
What do you think of chemtrails?
What?
The "condensed vapor trails" behind planes
that are actually harmful chemicals.
- Never heard of them. - They reduce the fertility of Germans.
And/or contaminate soil with aluminum compounds.
- They're for population control. - And/or thought control via nanobots.
Those who believe in nanobot mind control
should probably see it as a chance.
- What do you clowns want now? - Piss off.
Around the corner there, I saw Adam Krieger.
Yes, I think it was him.
He just found the entrance to the Hollow Earth.
What?
See you at the CoCon, and/or someplace else.
Ms. Schlabotnik, we had a rough start. Can we start over?
No.
We're friends of Maria's.
- Are you her new fella? - I... Well...
Sad.
Oh well, no one can hold a candle to Joe.
What if we invited you to eat?
And as a peace offering:
the categorical aperitif.
Chop-chop, let it drop!
CATEGORICAL APERITIF
I'll have 13 and 72, please.
- You didn't even look. - I pick at random.
- Keeps life exciting. - I'll have the same.
And I'll take...
12 and 61, but without Koreans...
I mean coriander.
Nothing here is Korean.
- Coriander, please. - We're Chinese.
Oh, God. How embarrassing.
A very interesting Freudian slip.
- Oh, yeah? - Yes.
You Germans want the perks of multiculturalism,
the services immigrants provide, but not the immigrants.
You actually do want 61 without Koreans.
- Don't exaggerate. - "The deindustrialization of Germany"?
- Really? - You'll see.
Why doesn't the press report on that?
- All bought up. - And us, or Maria? Were we bought up?
You eat up what the lying press feeds you.
You reject every argument that doesn't suit you.
Everyone does that.
I'm a conspirator if I disagree with you?
Or a puppet.
You're puppets who've stopped questioning things.
You believe what "Time" writes.
And you believe your Facebook timeline.
The way you defend your climate lie claims
can be used to defend any old rot.
- With exactly the same phrases. - Not true.
Okay, think of a totally crazy theory
that's so out there not even you believe it.
All right.
Earth is a cube.
- A cube-Earth theory. - Fine.
The Earth is obviously cubed.
Why else do all maps have four corners?
- Why isn't that in the press? - All bought up.
Am I bought up too?
You eat up what the lying press feeds you.
How else do you explain big waterfalls? They're all on the Earth's edges.
Why does it look round from space?
Because...
the CIA forces every single astronaut to use
a special wide-angle lens.
Hundreds of thousands of people vanish every year. Where to?
They get "offed."
- Will I fall off if I walk over an edge? - Not quite.
They're usually slightly rounded, so they're not that easy to see.
But 99.94 percent of scientific journals say the world is round.
My experience says otherwise.
See? Does that type of "argumentation" sound familiar?
My sports teacher would've said, "You catch that?"
I'm not going to be screwed with like this.
Wackos.
There goes my gaming console.
Did you hear that? Earth is a cube.
Yeah.
And I thought it was flat.
We'd like to take the bike on the bus.
How do imagine that working?
Well, I'd just carry it through the door.
- This is a bus. - True.
- Right. - But it is a rail replacement service.
Therefore, this is not a bus, it's a city train.
Are you shitting me? Of course, this is a bus.
No one is going to tell me this isn't a bus.
It's a bus all right.
I've driven bus my entire life.
I can tell a bus when I see one.
And I can take my bike with me on a city train.
But not in the first car.
All right, then I'll just ride it.
- Hold this a sec. - Now chop-chop!
The other passengers don't have time to waste either.
No one's going to tell me this isn't a bus!
It's a bus all right!
I can tell what's a bus and what's not.
Hey, what the hell, man?
He doesn't quite understand his job.
We can make him stop.
Someone betterget offhere.
Who was that?
Either one ofyou gets out orboth ofyou do…
- Rock Paper Blizzard? - Do I have to come back there?
- Rock... - I was going to call the fire service.
But then Joe clambered up the tree and saved the cat.
Then there's the story with the pig.
Joe took a pig to work,
and his boss goes, "What's the pig doing here?"
Joe says, "How should I know why you came in today?"
- Unbelievable he was in prison so long. - Talking about Joe again?
Still.
Oh, if I were a bit younger...
Joe.
People, nice to see you!
Come closer, settle in
Hands on your head, and then spin
Unscrew and remove your brain
Get crazy, people, champagne and treats
Let's outwit logic to the beat Throw confetti and walk on tables
And eat our brains with fishes
I mean, logic is sick overrated
- I say, "One plus one plus one is six!" - That's wrong!
They finally let you out, you rascal!
Well?
Why you slimy, double-crossing, no-good swindler.
You've got a lot of guts coming here
after all the crap you pulled.
Listen up, next round's on me!
Breathe in, breathe out Tonight we let it allhang out
Tonight we're storming your front lots
Gonna dig'em up With diggers and what-not
...you have shrimp in your beard. And Joe said...
- You've got jellyfish on your pants. - "You've got jellyfish on your pants!"
- To Joe! - Cheers.
- You're a swell guy. - Yeah, a real swell guy.
Gets arrested and leaves his wife and kid in the lurch.
What?
He was in prison for fighting for human rights.
Are you attacking him for working for Amnesty?
He tried to help North Korean dissidents across the demilitarized zone.
Of course.
North Korea.
And I drilled wells in Africa.
Were you as tall as you are stupid, you could drink out of the eaves kneeling.
You...
really were in North Korea?
Bling.
Go.
You're free.
It's all right. You couldn't have known.
Know what they say in Korea?
Even monkeys fall from trees.
Here, look.
I carved this in prison.
From a wooden spoon.
For Maria?
Thinking of her was what kept me alive.
But I don't want to overwhelm her.
No... I wouldn't do that either.
She didn't want me to go to Pyongyang. She might still be mad at me.
She's very mad, extremely mad.
- Maybe I should give it more time. - Much more.
I don't want it to be slapdash.
- Whatever that means. - That's how you end up with kids.
I'll ask her on her birthday.
WESTERNERS
EASTERNERS
- Watch where you... - Time's running out.
- What? Time? - Is our bet still on?
Yes, I've got the moving boxes ready.
We're Liesel's best friends.
- Easy. She has no others. - We visit her in Backwood tomorrow.
Hey, I've got to get back to the hotel.
I've got to call Greta.
Why to the hotel? Joe can sleep at our place.
But where? I mean, in the hall we can maybe just...
Oh, no. I don't want to impose on anyone.
- Joe can sleep at our place. - Yes! Our place can sleep at Joe's.
No harm done.
The little nose goes on the pancake face…
Put some powdered sugar on it...
Howdy, doody, partner!
Good morning.
I woke up early and so I decided to clean the kitchen.
Made some breakfast too. Hope I didn't wake you.
Do you need anything? Got everything you need?
Fuck.
Ah, there we go.
Dig in and enjoy.
I'm going to the hardware store. Need anything?
- Never from the hardware store. - Okay.
A pool table.
Cool. Bye.
Bye. Bye.
Off to Backwood.
Dearpassengers, for reasons not entirely clear to me
the train forplatform 21 is arriving atplatform 22
and vice versa…
I wasjustjoking…
- He's a real jokester. - Seriously!
Due to a personalinjury, today is topsy-turvy day
sojust get on a train and see where you end up…
What's going on here? Terrorist attack?
What is your major malfunction?
Stand at attention when an... officer is present.
Yes, sir.
Yes...
sir...
Captain.
- Yes, sir, Captain. - Name?
Krapotke.
"Krapotke, Captain."
Krapotke, Captain.
What is it, Krapotke?
- Terrorist attack, Captain? - Speak in complete sentences!
"Terrorist attack." How about a verb?
Was here a terrorist attack, Captain?
Was, Krapotke.
Yes, was.
It was a so-called "suicide bomber,"
someone who blew my nerves to bits.
These world-weary types, Krapotke.
They could jump off the Reichstag screaming,
"The system is rotten!" But no.
- It must be a train. - Wrong, Krapotke.
Not a train, my train.
Where is it you're going, Krapotke?
- A conference. - Complete sentences!
- I'm going to a conference! - What conference?
In Wannsee, Captain, on the future of the army.
Holding a military conference in Wannsee is insensitive,
don't you agree, Krapotke?
Because of the tourists?
Forgetting history.
But if we hadn't forgotten history
who of us would still be wearing a uniform today, Krapotke?
I thought the captain was traveling to the conference too.
You, Krapotke, aren't to think.
Come along instead. The conference has been moved to Backwood.
- Backwood? But... - Get in!
Yes, Captain!
- What's the point of this? - I've got a feeling he could be useful.
- A feeling? From where? - I read the script.
TRUTH, FACTS, STAY VIGILANT
You know "human-induced" global warming
is a huge con.
Lisbeth Schlabotnik tells it straight. Listen.
There was a hotperiod in the Paleocene too…
Now try and tellme my diesel is responsible for that too…
But they don't want us to hear that.
Only yesterday one of Lisbeth's events was interrupted by paid rabble-rousers.
Luckily reporters from "White Russian Today" filmed everything.
Not even scientists agree climate change exists…
That'sjust conspiracy bullshit…
That's the level at which our opponents argue.
But could it potentially, possibly, perhaps,
be that this kangaroo is paid to say such things?
Who's stuffing dollars in his pouch?
Merkel? Soros? Gore? Gates?
Contact me if you have leads.
We'll get to the bottom of it by CoCon.
Apropos, the Conspiracy Convention is the world's largest annual convention
for contrarians and soldiers of truth.
And this year, CoCon is taking place in Bielefeld.
That caused some rifts within the scene.
Even Krieger's lying… CoCon is fake…
What is Bielefeld ifnot a city built to keep secret that it doesn 't exist?
What is it actually about? Zombies!
Zombies…
The Bielefeld conspiracy is a hoax. Don't fall for such nonsense.
You can get CoCon tickets on my webshop…
See you at CoCon. Stay vigilant…
Every industry has a fair.
Yeah, even bullshit manufacturing.
Nuts, Captain?
And where's the coffee, Krapotke?
Yes, coffee.
- Adam Krieger. That's not a real name. - No.
Did you know his real name's S. Martazz?
- Really? - You didn't know?
He was left-wing. He used to write for "Workers' Struggle."
Then he jumped into the rabbit hole headfirst.
SilverLake! Silver Lake!
Passengers to Backwood, change here…
Please stand clear…
Excuse me.
I don't work here anymore.
Might you still know when the next train to Backwood is coming?
Stop that!
To Backwood?
Trains haven't gone there in a long time.
That line wasn't economically viable. You understand.
But go over to platform two.
If you're lucky, the draisine is available.
VEHICLE PROVIDED BY SOUTHEAST BRANDENBURG STRUCTURAL FUND
He wasn't joking.
Yeah, then get going Krapotke.
Yes, Captain.
Now you're happy we brought him along, eh?
Faster, Krapotke!
Yes, Captain!
Krapotke! Krapotke!
- Stop pumping! - No! Keep going, Krapotke!
- It'll all be fine! - Yes, Captain.
Krapotke!
Everything okay?
The question alone gets my dander up. Obviously, nothing is okay.
- Did you have a nightmare? - You bet I did.
It probably swallowed up half our budget.
BACKWOOD
Well done, Krapotke.
Thanks, Captain.
- What do we do now? - You're going to do a few pushups.
- How many, Captain? - Until I say it's enough.
Yes, Captain.
One,
two,
three, five...
Look.
Ms. Schlabotnik?
Liesel!
You guys again!
Yes, uh...
Ms. Schlabotnik,
I'll make you an offer that you can accept,
or not.
We talk again,
and if you can convince us of your theory,
then we'll convince Maria.
- Deal? - Well, I don't have much time.
I'm already on my way to CoCon. I'm speaking just before Adam Krieger.
Oh, yeah?
Yes. It wasn't cheap.
Then in you get.
DIESEL LIESEL'S DRIVING SCHOOL
WITH LOVE, YOUR JOE
From Joe's abstract phase. I've had plenty of offers for it.
Why not?
Right, so what's your issue with climate protection?
Even if in 50 years we were to realize
that every scientist royally screwed up and global warming doesn't exist,
then what?
For no reason at all, we'd have ensured our cities have clean air,
rivers aren't toxic, cars are quiet and don't stink,
and we no longer depend on dictators and their oil reserves.
That would suck.
What are you afraid of?
Not the deindustrialization of Germany.
- Who'd want that? - That's the question.
It's the question Caesar asked. Cui bon o? W h o p r o fi t s?
I don't think that came from Caesar.
Funny idea, falsely attributing quotes.
The state profits. It's a reason to raise taxes.
"I came, I saw, I conquered." Hillary Clinton.
"Ask not what your country can do for you,
but what you can do for your country."
Kim Jong-un.
I've got one too.
"I have a simple recipe to keep fit.
I go on killing spree every day."
From whom?
Attila Hildmann.
Well, I've got to run.
To CoCon.
- We're coming along. - Really?
It's a free country. For now.
- My flight leaves in two hours. - You're flying to Bielefeld?
I'm flying to Frankfurt and renting a car.
I fly out of principle.
Well-recognized scientists are battling the climate lie.
You know atmospheric physicist Fred Singer?
He not only denied the climate crisis,
he denied acid rain, that the hole in the ozone exists,
and that smoking causes cancer.
Very credible guy.
What nerve. I had to pay a ten-euro baggage fee for my pouch.
- Have you seen my phone? - No.
We do random, non-suspicion-based full-scale checks.
And you're randomly, non-suspicion-based checking me
because I don't look so unsuspiciously Caucasian?
Empty your pouch, please.
Reunions are a joy.
I need all of this back.
Ah, look. My phone.
Mine and yours are bourgeois categories.
Please put the pouch on the belt.
- I can't do that, dude. - Pouch on the belt.
Dude, it's part of me.
The pouch has to go on the belt!
Por favor el pucho on el belto.
Part of me! Can't do it!
The pouch has to go on the belt.
Those are the rules.
This is degrading!
Last call for Penguin Air 4773
to Frankfurt…
Proceed to gate 17immediately…
I can't make out a thing.
- We've got to go again. - You have el culo in el aire.
- And turn the pouch upside down. - Are they with you?
No.
Excuse me. Can I go through now?
Jacket off, sweater down, belt open, shoes and hat off.
Which...
So what do you think, doctor?
Is it serious?
Is this okay? Or should I shave off the hair?
Oh, I can't believe it. Them again.
I'll run through the charges, destruction of a scanning machine,
or rather, one moment... an X-ray luggage scanner.
- I got caught up in the cables. - Why always me?
Indecent exposure.
I haven't eaten the whole day.
And violating probation.
Let's keep it short. One month in prison.
- What? - For both of them.
- But I'm just his pet. - Your honor.
As we are dealing with repeat offenders, I think one month...
- Then three. And don't drag this out. - But... But...
The cafeteria is about to close.
- I have champagne truffles. - Whoa, that's a bribe attempt.
So, six months. Happy?
But...
- Huh? - Objection.
Denied.
Joe, my man.
- Yeah. - So you're back?
Freddie, they can't keep me down.
How's Martha doing? You old Martha fucker?
You know her, always has something to gripe about.
- Joe. - Tommi.
You owe me a rematch on the tennis court.
I brought a little something to nibble on.
It's all vegan. Dig in. Help yourselves.
All righty then, according to Article 833, Section 2,
the obligation to pay damages is invalid
if they were caused by a pet that is part of
the owner's work, occupation, or livelihood.
And this man is very clearly a small-time performer.
The kangaroo is basically his mascot. It is part of his act.
And I'd like to refer to Article 582.
Yes, all right. Take the two of them with you, Joe.
It was super nice of Joe to lend us his car to drive to CoCon.
"Tommi, you owe me a rematch on the tennis court."
"Dig in, please. It's all vegan."
Why not leave your key here so I can start painting the walls?
Look for a nice restaurant in Paris instead.
If we're not back in two days,
avenge our deaths.
Oh, "Don Quixote," "The Big Lebowski," kangaroo, red, Berlin, Italy, Havel.
Joke: A doc tells a small-time performer he has three months to live.
The performer says, "All right, Doc. But off what?"
Cute.
- And you needed so long for that list? - It wasn't easy.
Of course it is: "Capital," "Banana Joe," kangaroo, red,
Hanoi, Vietnam, Mekong, and the joke:
how many Vietcong vets does it take to put in a light bulb?
- No idea, maybe two. - You have no idea!
- You weren't there! - Are you nuts?
TRUTH, FACTS, STAY VIGILANT
Last time I asked you for leads on this kangaroo.
That'sjust conspiracy bullshit…
Walter Feldmann contacted me.
Walter, you have a YouTube channel called Walternative Facts.
- Correct. - A video of yours went through the roof.
Yes, "The Kangaroo Conspiracy."
The kangaroo is the head of a conspiracy
called the Antisocial Network.
His anti-terror attacks aim to fan dirty left-wing-green-thinking eco-fascism.
I mean how many times have I been branded a Nazi
…… just because I'm a fan of the Fuhrer?
But you've potentially, possibly, perhaps, uncovered something shocking.
Yes.
For centuries, kangaroos have been secretly pulling the strings.
I'm sure you know this painting.
What you don't know is...
that it's been doctored.
Recently, using terahertz radiation and layer amplification,
it was revealed who was actually behind this revolution.
A kangaroo! We have to stop the critter! Down with the kangaroo conspiracy!
I am prepared to die for my c... country.
Eva's made us tea. Thank you, dear.
- What kind? I don't like black. - German herbal tea.
"Strength through Friends." It's on my webshop too.
You'll find other great products too. Check it out.
After seeing Walter's kangaroo video, I had to do some research of my own.
And what I found out
might potentially, possibly, perhaps, be shocking.
Stay vigilant.
Dude, those freaks are out to get me.
Soon you'll be getting death threats.
Do you think Joe has a gun in the glove box?
Look.
- Cookie? - You have no idea what's in that.
As the guy who always gets sanctioned for animal neglect,
I forbid you to eat those cookies.
Stop that now!
- Rock Paper Blizzard? - If I win, you stop?
If I win I get to eat them all without you griping.
- Deal! - Rock, paper, blizzard!
What's that? A giraffe again?
It's a Tyrannosaurus rex, you loser!
Interesting.
Fun fact: my fist was a falling meteorite.
Duh.
Anyone can win with a meteorite.
And a falling meteorite is a pleonasm.
An asteroid becomes a meteorite by falling.
Had you pointed at yourself and said "smartass," you'd have won.
- Two of three. - Rock, paper, blizzard!
Firestorm.
- Well. - No wells!
I can do anything I think of, but not a well?
- Yes. - Nonsense.
Okay, three of five.
- Rock, paper... - No black holes.
- How did you know I...? - ...blizzard.
It isn't a game of chance.
Find the fastest route to Bielefeld.
SEARCHING FOR BIELEFELD
Not found.
No problem,
I have an excellent sense of direction.
We'll be there before you can say razupaltuff.
Other way around.
Hold on. Nearly got it. One sec.
You have to get off here.
EARLY SHOP VILLAGE DRINKS
Hello?
My mom told me to be wary of places where right-wing radicals
keep their posters down low.
PRINCE OF EUROPE
Are you nuts?
I have a really terrible feeling.
Let's go ask at the inn. Looks nice.
HEIDI'S
Good evening.
Come on.
Hello?
Oh no. This is the shadow world. It's the Upside Down.
- We have to go. - Pull yourself together.
Ah! Dark Herta!
Um... Good evening.
What kind of a strange dog is that you got there?
- Dark Jesus! Dark Maria! - We're going to the refugee home.
We need to...
charge our electric car.
Do you have an outlet for us?
You think out here in the country
we just have torches and candles?
THE GERMAN PEOPLE
That we live primitively?
Or, as Thomas Hobbes would put it,
"solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short"?
Dark Uwe!
Your opposite.
I mean, he's manly,
talented and...
Kiss me.
...loved.
Who? Where?
Who is it?
Who is my opposite?
Plugged in!
VACANCY
You better not wake me.
Just don't lose your head.
Long live Aldebaran!
We were in contact… The Aldebaran confirmed our worst fears…
The invasion of the reptilians by the Draco constellation has begun…
The government of GER Ltd… has been subjected by the Plutonium Empire.
The Sucknitz cellmust take action!
We have to cap the Reptilians' adrenochrome supply…
- The Reptilians are among us. - Even here, in Sucknitz.
Stop gabbing so much, we have to act!
We have to get to the bunkers in Berlin!
- To free the kids! - Or they'll harvest their adrenochrome.
- We're ready! - For the children!
- For the children!
We are not alone.
No.
Leave me! Leave me!
Leave me!
- Leave me! - I've given your...
Well, it can't be a kangaroo
because owning wild animals is not permitted.
Let's just say I've given your... dog
a mix of diazepam and haloperidol.
Did someone say dog?
You won't believe the far-out trip I had.
Oh, yes, I believe it.
Are you nuts?
SUCKNITZ VILLAGE FAIR PRINCE OF EUROPE
This is the shadow world. It's the Upside Down. Dark Herta!
Collections for the children's home?
Dark Maria! Dark Jesus!
Dark Uwe!
Who is my opposite?
HEIDI'S
Maybe you shouldn't have eaten the cookies, hm?
Maybe you shouldn't have wagered our apartment, hm?
Maybe you shouldn't have come to the dark restaurant, hm?
Maybe I shouldn't have asked you for eggs, hm?
Maybe I shouldn't have answered. Maybe I liked living alone.
Hm?
Cookie?
Last night, after a heat wave lasting weeks,
we had torrentialrains, so drive carefully…
And now a hit mygood friend Joe requested…
He says hi to all the people, animals, andplants on the planet…
Ding-dong! We 're paying you a visit
Ringing your bell with rhythm andpie Give it a try
We picked it from the rhythm pie tree Take a bite and see
And have you guessed The out-of-this-world secrets inside?
Brain, eyes, lips, heart, nose, legs, breast
Put them together then shake 'em with the rest
Cut a rug and we 'llsing to you We're the dream team, so damn cool
On our knees, we beg andplead
Please, oh please, don 't be such a dweeb
Get crazy, people, champagne and treats
Let's outwit logic to the beat Throw confetti and walk on tables
And eat our brains with ladles
I mean, logic is sick overrated
Bielefeld! You have to turn off! Turn!
… …. one plus one plus one plus one
plus one plus one plus one is six!
Crap, crap.
Tell me the cookies are gone.
Pack them away.
Pack them away, quick!
Not in your pouch!
Yeah.
They'll see them!
What was I supposed to do with them?
- Eat them! - You eat them!
Where did you learn to drive?
- Lisbeth? - Lisbeth!
It's you guys. Unbelievable.
- What are you doing here? - I've got to get to CoCon.
And, um... Why do you have a police car?
That's a long story.
Dearpassengers, due to disastrous weather conditions
the flight is being rerouted…
Fuck you.
Stay vigilant.
I haven't slept much.
Sick.
That has to be the most incredible... No!
Please turn… Please turn.
Cars aren't really your thing, huh?
I have to go. I'm running late.
I'm speaking just before Adam Krieger.
I'll take you. I have an excellent sense of direction.
- Um... Yes. - But...
Shouldn't we call roadside assistance or something?
Howdy Doody, Joe speaking.
Hey, Joe. So?
Listen, your car...
is parked on the side of the road, just outside of Bielefeld.
Although "parked"isn 't exactly the right word…
That is, it's more kind of lying there… … … on its hood…
There was this bee that...
It's, uh... hard to explain.
Ah, no biggie… Don 't worry about it, it's insured…
The main thing is that you're fine.
Do you see that too?
I presume we're dealing with a rift in time.
Say what?
A rift in the space-time continuum has sent us back 2,000 years.
Liesel! What are you doing?
- Liesel! - Excuse me.
Excuse me, are you on your way to CoCon?
Surround her!
- The die is cast! - Seize the day!
We've found a German who have a funny dog.
Who has a funny dog!
Forward, prisoners!
Watch it!
I fell in the magic potion as a kid.
What is this?
Clades Variana.
- Yo, Clades, wassup? - Hey, no.
I'm not Clades.
This is the Clades Variana,
the Varian Disaster.
I am Publius Quinctilius Varus of Cremona,
son of quaestor Sextus Quinctilius Varus.
Commander of three Roman legions!
And in real life?
Our Latin teacher.
Magister latinae lingulae est.
Romans go the home!
Romans go home!
Raise shields!
Turn around!
Speers down!
- And you do this every year? - Isn't it grand!
- Hello. - You had an accident?
Yeah...
- There was this bee, and.… … - Is my mom with you?
- Maybe. - Is she all right?
I don't know.
What's going on?
That's hard to explain.
Very hard to explain.
What is hard to explain?
- Um... the situation in general. - Fire!
Take cover!
They have ballistas!
Ballistae!
They have ballistae!
Who has ballistae?
The connection is bad…
A t least I hope so…
Are you in a movie theater?
- Excuse me. - Hello?
Do I have to avenge your death?
Nope...
No.
Um, excuse me. Which way is it to Bielefeld?
Thanks.
That was a cakewalk.
COCON WELCOME TO THE TRUTH
THIS EVENING YOUR PATH TO THE TRUTH
STOP ORGANIC DIGITIZATION
AGAINST THE VACCINE MAFIA
"Come with me and you'll find all it'll cost you is your mind."
Donald Trump.
Welcome,
you are now a citizen of the Reich.
I'm a citizen of the Reich!
The Romans were harmless in comparison.
Yes. And this here appears to be out.
SYSTEM TRASH
These 499-euro sunglasses of mine
are an indispensable resource in the fight against reptilians.
That one helps heal... rheumatism.
What's that you said?
That one helps heal hearing loss.
Can I get an autograph too?
Yes, sure. Of course.
- Here. - Awesome.
- Diesel Liesel! - On the hat.
Right.
On the arm.
- Thank you. - I'm a huge fan. Can you sign the baby?
Uh, no.
Donald Trump confirmed that vaccines cause autism.
And he's a well-trained doctor.
Go on. One for your child too.
And that's why it was an inside job.
- Thank you for the chat. - Thank you.
9/11 is the cannabis of conspiracy theories.
No, I think Covid-19 is the gateway drug now.
This isn't the right place for this.
- Please go. - Security!
I thought anyone could say any old bull here.
- Okay, fine. - Move!
I have proof that 9/11
wasn't an inside job!
Could I still get a T-shirt?
I do workshops in Brandenburg.
A Glock 32 is good. It's easy to grip.
You can crawl across the floor, or jump. You have to jump after them.
You've got to shoot the critters right in the stomach, the head.
If you leave the window open at night,
illegal drones will implant a microchip inside you.
Then Hitler withdrew to New Swabia in a Nazi UFO.
...where he realized that
the sun is cold.
- Why else would... - I'm glad I'm no small-time performer.
It'd be very hard to overstate this.
You have to understate it or no one will believe it.
The smallhall: pendulum divining with heavy metals forbeginners…
Krieger founded a money-grubbing publishing house.
- He was a left-wing radical? - Yes.
Strange. People who fall into the rabbit hole always land on the far right.
Nonsense.
Krieger isn't a Nazi.
Don't take this the wrong way,
but if something walks, clucks, and lays eggs like a chicken,
then it very probably is a chicken.
Oh, crap.
Come over here, we have the latest truth for you.
Here's what it's all about: the world is a cube.
We've got T-shirts for 79.90, and we're everywhere.
We're on Facebook. We're on...
- Do you remember us? - We're your biggest fans.
What? But...
We took the liberty of disseminating your revolutionary message.
What?
My message? I don't understand.
We were there, in Köpenick,
when you spoke of the cube Earth.
The only way to ward off chemtrails is to have a roof over your head.
Earth is a cube.
A cube-Earth theory.
The Earth is obviously square.
Why else do all maps have four corners?
We've been spreading your truth everywhere.
Facebook, YouTube, Insta, Twitter, 4chan,
5chan, 6chan, 7chan,
8chan,
MySpace, Telegram, WeChat,
nextdoor.de,
Reddit, WhatsApp, StudiVZ, TikTok.
Soon only sheeple will believe the Earth is flat and/or round.
Round? Ha.
How ridiculous.
What baloney. That was just a joke.
This is all one big joke.
- What? - I thought up the thing with the cube.
Ah.
This is a test? You're testing our true belief.
- Right? - No.
It's bullcrap.
And you're still allowed to say that.
Oh, Lisbeth.
Lisbeth, why are you denying everything?
I can tell you why.
The kangaroo brainwashed her.
Me?
You must've sat in the garage with the engine running.
You've been brainwashed, and/or are a traitor.
Traitor!
- Traitor! - Traitor!
Traitor! Traitor!
Quiet! Quiet! Quiet!
I'm certain we are potentially, possibly, perhaps,
dealing with a misunderstanding here.
This is Lisbeth.
Diesel Liesel.
One of us.
Right, Lisbeth?
- Adam, I really don't know... - Hey, Mr. S.!
A real S. Martazz!
These fools aren't with you, are they?
No.
You see?
Go freshen up. You're up in five minutes.
Yes.
It's our duty to stop the kangaroo!
That critter can't leave here alive!
Mincemeat! Mincemeat! Mincemeat...
Wait! What you're about to do is murder!
You'll all go to prison for this.
Not true.
As per the German Criminal Code, animals are goods.
According to Article 303, killing this kangaroo
would merely be considered property damage.
What?
So we would at most, potentially, possibly, perhaps,
be liable to provide recourse to this gentlemen for killing his pet.
It isn't my pet. It belongs to itself.
It's peculiar when it comes to ownership.
- Ugh, bad timing. - All the better.
Killing an animal without an owner is no problem whatsoever.
- Nice. - No!
- Stop! Stop!
One moment. Stop! Stop!
Stop!
Scheduling announcement: in five minutes
DieselLiesel, followed by.… …
- Lisbeth. - .… …Adam Krieger, live…
You've found like-minded people, friends, I'd even say family.
Don't say anything you'll regret later.
As per the statutes the Brotherhood of Truth Warriors adopted in 1448
in Nuremberg, I demand the accused be allowed to defend themselves,
in a duel.
That might potentially, possibly, perhaps,
indeed be in the statutes.
If the accused demand a duel,
then it must be granted to them.
And the accused get to choose the weapons.
I choose...
Rock Paper Blizzard.
Welcome to the big Rock Paper Blizzard duel.
We're playing best of three.
Once one team has won two duels, it has won.
Round one features the kangaroo...
against Heinz!
On your marks...
get set...
rock, paper, blizzard!
Climate crisis.
Adam Krieger!
Krieger doesn't believe in the climate crisis.
It doesn't care if Krieger doesn't believe in it.
- It's coming no matter what. - Oh, yeah?
Krieger doesn't care.
Even if there were a crisis,
in central Germany it wouldn't be really bad until after he's dead.
Not a good crowd.
And what about the rest of the world?
Krieger doesn't give a shit about the rest of the world!
That's right!
Yes!
The first round goes to Heinz!
Yes!
But...
prompting isn't fair.
One more victory and his team has won.
Bravo!
Round two.
We have Lisbeth Schlabotnik, alias Diesel Liesel...
versus Tina from "White Russian Today"!
On your marks...
get set...
rock, paper, blizzard!
Jesus Christ!
Chuck Norris!
There's nothing to discuss.
Jesus is obviously more important than Chuck Norris.
This isn't about importance.
This is about head-to-head battle.
Yes! Yes, ma'am!
Jesus is far more powerful. He can change water into wine!
- Say what? - And raise the dead!
And the thing with the fish.
And if Chuck hit him on the left cheek,
what would Jesus do then?
Crap.
He would turn the other cheek.
The second round goes to the home team!
That decides it.
We have a clear winner and the kangaroo has to die!
No, no! Wait, wait, wait!
Stop!
I want my turn too. Double or nothing.
What's that supposed to mean?
If I beat you, the kangaroo goes free.
And if you lose?
Then you can kill me too?
- Boy, are you insane? - No, no, no.
I have to advise against that. That would be murder.
Sorry.
Wait! No!
All right...
If I lose...
then...
I will kill myself.
And I'll do it with that... cleaver!
Legally, that's not a problem.
All righty.
We're in business!
Round three!
Double or nothing.
- We have fat boy... - I'm not fat.
...against the small-time performer.
I'm not a small-time performer...
- Ow! Why? - On your marks...
get set...
rock...
paper...
blizzard!
Yes!
Paper? Honestly, dude? Paper?
You can do whatever and you do paper?
Compadres!
Come with me if you want to live.
Hey! Hey!
They're taking off! After them!
I don't get it. Did you think he'd do rock?
- I was under pressure! - You could've at least done a well!
How about saying thanks? I just risked my life for you!
Stop them!
Stop!
Liesel!
- Leave me behind! - Want some?
- Tell Maria...
- I'm sorry! - You're coming.
Smack time!
- I'll make mincemeat of you! - Come and get some!
I have to warn you. I do have a black belt.
I heard kangaroo burgers taste fantastic.
A real delicacy.
Get them.
Look! There!
Chemtrails...
Chemtrails!
Chemtrails! Take cover!
Hey! Hey, are you bonkers?
Come back! Stay where you are!
Come back! Come back!
If you really look, you see that people are, by and large,
stupid.
I think this guy is potentially, possibly,
perhaps, an asshole.
My experience says the same.
All the nonsense people believe.
I'm finally vigilant again.
I just really didn't want to have to avenge your deaths.
Yes, I'm getting the gaming console.
This is my second car. Small, but solar-powered.
Built it myself. It's my hobby.
To be honest, I'm pretty glad you won the bet.
Me too.
Now I can put the kangaroo in front of the console when it annoys me.
- I... - Unbelievable!
No ice cream sandwiches.
And this calls itself haute cuisine.
I shouldn't have brought you.
If anyone took anybody anywhere,
then it was me who took you.
That's all, folks.
Kangaroo rap two thousand… ….
- The movie's not over. - Well...
From here it's just cheesy. No one wants to see it. We can...
Nonsense. Everyone wants to see it.
All right, then...
Let's grit our teeth and do this.
We have gathered here today in this church
because the two of you wish to be wed in holy matrimony.
And so I ask you, my friend Josef Seligmann,
do you wish to take Maria Schlabotnik as your lawfully wedded wife?
I do.
And I ask you, Maria Schlabotnik...
- I didn't think it'd end like this. - Me either.
...my pen pal and pilgrimage partner, as your lawfully wedded husband?
I do.
Chin up, dude. Champagne truffle?
...many say marriage is merely cheesy...
Oh, well. Let's get out of here. I'm allergic to frankincense.
Yeah, let's go home.
You may now kiss the bride.
I think the movie really is over now.
What makes you think that?
- How do we get out of here? - How should I know?
But the big blue door is my best guess.
Huh? Where are we now?
No idea.
Excuse me, our movie is over.
How... do we get out of here?
An old horse does not forget his path.
God damn it! Why is there a dog in the picture?
We're trying to film here!
Kangaroo rap 2139
Potentially, possibly, perhaps
This movie ends with this rap
Yet there is magic in every end
We drink out of the eaves
Our truth is disguised
Power to the animals Small-time performers united
An offer has been made
- That you can accept….… - Or not!
We communicate with "pets" Who formulate things we don 't get
They talk about a world in demise
Something we don 't seem to realize
We say, "It's allin your heads"
From thinking in bourgeois categories
Reality check, no time, mate
This is the post-factualage
The vengeance of the dimwits Our feelings burst on the facts
We show our rainforest a PDF And when it rains we sue the WWF
We're not about to change We want to kick up a stink, not to think
You don 't want to see it Switch the numbers
Not owning the shit Is your shtick
But you have to know The signs show when it's time to go
And the signs are clear as day
The planet will survive Humanity will fade away
The end is nigh!
One hundred thousand opinions Only one is clear
Yet if we lose this planet
Then there's no Planet B And nowhere we can debate
Deba, deba, deba, deba
Deba, deba, debate
Deba, deba, deba, deba,
Deba, deba, debate
It'd be sad, that's all It'djust be sad, sad
It'd be kind ofsad, or not?
This place is full Ofambitionatedpeople
I'm out ofhere
Gonna chill with my marsupial
648,363.
648,364.
- 648,3... - That's enough, Krapotke.
That's enough.
Yes, Captain.