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There are moments in life, you never truly forget.
Like your first school massacre.
Your first demonic possession...
or your first suicide attempt.
My name is Beth Connor, and for the past 17 years.
My life has gone straight to video..
Figuratively and literally.
I know what you're thinking.
Teenage suicide is such a cliche in horror.
They say that life is one great big movie.
But no matter what I do, I can’t seem to pick my genre.
I’ve tried everything.
Self mutilation.
Poisoning.
And even hanging.
And I still end up in another horror movie.
I think the only way to erase your existence in this genre
is by blowing your fucking brains out!
Well, Bottoms Up for a romantic comedy.
And don't worry. It's vegan milk.
No animals were harmed in ones self-righteous suicide.
You know, I always imagined date rape pills tasted like candy.
Not like ass!
I mean, what's the incentive to even take them?
Well, remember kids, it’s down the road not across the street!
Well, I guess I'm stuck in another horror movie.
With 30 somethings portraying high school students.
Nonsensical-violence and edgy social commentary.
God, I hate low budget movies.
You know, what I wouldn’t give for a happy ending?
And by happy ending, I mean...
Let's shoot this straight to DVD piece of shit already!
Fuck you!
♪ “S.A.S.S.” by Hands off Gretel ♪
♪ ''Do You Dare'' by Die So Fluid ♪
I'm sorry, Dad never visits mum.
You know, they say I get my looks from you.
And I'm trying to abide by the mantra: live fast, die young and leave a good-looking corpse behind.
You know, just like Diana...
The Princess of Wales.
God, please prick my arm with heroin and blow my fucking brains out like the patron Saint Kurt Cobain
Beth! Beth Conner!
Never mind. -Yoohoo!
Beth! - Fucksake I'm coming!
Beth! Sport! We got here just in the nick of time. You forgot your packed-lunch!
So you followed me all the way from our house?
And another nutritious lunch, I’m sure! I’m vegan, remember!
And let's not forget, your 18th birthday is next week.
I'd hate to break it to you, but you are a lousy stepmom substitute... Frankie Sullivan.
Beth Conner. We’ve been through this.
Mommy Conner is dead and buried
#nostalgia is cancer!
#don't make me stick those 17 characters up your... - Ladies!
Beth, please.
Take your lunch.
Must we ask twice?
I don’t know Dad? How about we grab a couple of shovels and get a fourth opinion!?
Have a splendid day at school, sport!
♪ “DTH FLG” by The Black Halos ♪
Well, welcome to purgatory...
Every student deserves to experience a school massacre, at least once in their lives.
...It’s a right of passage. Why deny them of their God-given right?
I didn’t ask you Nancy, I asked him!
TUSK!
-Let’s talk about the tragedies of 1999, shall we?
NATO bombed Yugoslavia, Clinton was acquitted in the senate, Family Guy premiered on FOX...
and, Henenlotter High experienced it's first school massacre.
Resulting in loss of revenue and the closure of this very academic institution.
Meanwhile back in America.
We not only survived, but thrived. Making Columbine...
...A household name.
Look at it this way! The school board no longer has to worry about - lack of funding!
On-demand streaming channels will pay a handsome seven figures for an .. 'academic faux-pas'
Like, I don’t know!?
Gee-wizz. A school shooting!?
And of course before any student gets trigger happy at our proposal, we of course need to make sure all the correct sponsorship and marketing are in place.
After all, controversy creates cash.
-Mark my words Everbone, I'll do everything and anything in my power
to prevent another tragedy happening here at Henenlotter High.
Why don't we introduce the brand spanking new headmaster of Henenlotter High?
-A new headmaster!?
Remember the ''Reams for Less Massacre''!?
When Henenlotter High alum Peltzer Arbuckle summoned his imaginary friend Ronnie to shoot up the school, back in 1999?
The British school board did nothing.
And then 15 years later. The duo returned to assassinate a stationary company in
the infamously-titled ''Reams for Less Massacre''.
And still, the people of Henenlotter did nothing.
Except for one.
Marcus, Henenlotter High has hired the one American who put a stop to that Drop-dead-Fred bullshit.
Please, everyone, welcome the new headmaster of Henenlotter High!
Allow me to re-introduce myself...
My name is Mr Sawyer.
And Marcus, I hear you're the best.
In fact, I hear that you're the best... by par!
I am having so much fun!
Students!
Greetings and salutations Beth Conner!
Tell me, do goth vegans masturbate with cucumbers or crucifixes these days?
Give me a fucking break Mr Auteur Filmmaker.
The power of the pickle compels you!
That's Ethan Rembrandt, Henenlotter High's resident date rapist.
And the brother of the late narcissistic dickhead Stiles Rembrandt.
And you know what they say? Like brother, like date rapist!
Everyone knows the token goth girl is a school massacre cliche waiting to happen!
All you need is a trench coat, and hey presto!
You could be the premature love child of Harris and Klebold!
Why subvert the expectation?
Trench coats are so 1999. Didn't you get the memo?
#nostalgia is cancer.
Anyway, please allow me to introduce...
Please give a warm welcome, and put your hands together for Mr Sawyer!
Wahhh!
Woah!! Yes, sir.
Ooh.. Thank you so much for that introduction.
Come on people, give it up for Clyde, my number one guy!
Yes, sir!
Good morning Henenlotter Hamsters…
Now I'd like to speak to you all regarding a very, very...
controversial subject.
Now...
No, you didn't.
FUCK!
Fucker, Fucker, Motherfucker!
Well, that's one way to deal with unruly students dressed up as former presidents.
And let us return to the American precept that every individual is accountable for his own actions.
I love it when you quote Ronnie Reagan. It makes me so moist...
Naturally.
Whoopsie fucking daisy!
WHOOPSIE FUCKING DAISY!
Whoopsie fucking daisy!
Now, my home country has a long and rich history of school massacres...
We know a thing about a thing or two.
So I thought. Why not bring a slice of Americana here to the British isles.
That's right folks!
We here at Henenlotter High will host the very first.
ALL YOU CAN EAT MASSACRE!
What's wrong, Ethan?
Ran out of potential victims so you have to lower your standards for the goth girl.
But Beth... it's the All You Can Eat Massacre!
Ooh! No no no no no.
Take a look, in wonder, Deetz Montgomery.
My love, my life, my everything.
WOOF! - Okay, we need to talk about Deetz Montgomery.
School secretary by day...
And nymphomaniac banjo-snapping mega bitch by night.
Not to mention, the significant other of our brand spanking new headmaster Mr Sawyer.
And whilst Mr Sawyer only has eyes for Deetz.
Deetz has eyes for that dickhead sitting behind me, Ethan Rembrandt.
And together, Deetz and Ethan became Henenlotter's answer to Gislane Maxwell and Jeffrey Epstein.
Grooming and sodomizing vulnerable students in exchange for top grades.
Whilst Deetz and Ethan live out their sordid fantasies, unbeknownst to poor Mr Sawyer.
Poetic and fucked up, right!?
Now at the inaugural All You Can Eat Massacre.
Sweet suicide.
Imagine blowing your fucking brains out with that thing?
God it's beautiful..
Students will have the option to binge and purge as they see fit.
So the winner either gets the chance to commit suicide, blah!
Or shoot up Henenlotter High!
Kinda like pro choice!
Or pro death!
Prolapse!
And now to paraphrase Big Willy Shakespeare:
''To kill yourself, or to kill your classmates!?
..that is the motherfucking question!''
And now an instructional video from Dr. Samuel Weil...
Kill the lights!
Alec Baldwin... nrrrgh!
Wasn't that riveting!?
Very riveting! Very riveting!
Now, I would like to introduce you to the new English teacher, Miss Campbell.
A fellow American, so give it up!
Thank you, Mr Sawyer for that eloquent introduction.
Today is a new beginning for us here at Henenlotter High.
So remember, be kind to each other...
Or I'll kill ya!
Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pewwww!
Tough crowd.
Alfred Packer also known as the Colorado Cannibal...
was an American prospector and self proclaimed professional wilderness guide.
Who confessed to cannibalism during the winter of 1874.
You totally have a boner for Miss Campbell?
Something wrong, Miss Conner?
Beth...
would you eat me?
Boy... would I?
Wake up! Sleeping beauty!
Now Miss Conner, I would appreciate it if you didn't take up all your time doodling in my class.
Do we have an understanding, Miss Conner?
Yes, ma'am.
Good!
Now, when Packer returned to town, he claimed that he'd been abandoned by his party…
but he eventually confessed that his party had resorted to cannibalism in order to stay alive.
You know, if you don't have a boner for Miss Campbell, you can always attend to mine!
How about a five knuckle shuffle, Beth?
And I'll Jackson Pollock your desk with my love goo!
You are a fucking pig!
Oink! Oink!
Chill out, Beth. I got you covered.
All you goth girls really need is a damn good...
Fingering!
Arrgh! Why?
Why me!? Fuck me Jesus on a pogo stick!
Beth!?
Miss Campbell called earlier...
regarding an incident, with Ethan Rembrandt?
Do we care to explain?
She wanted to let us know that he not going to be pressing charges!
Charges? He forced his finger into my mouth!
It wasn't finger food, Beth!
And what was I supposed to do? Ask him to stop?
''OMG Ethan, stop mouth raping me with your index finger! This isn't consensual!''
Nevertheless, we have been discussing things, Frankie... and myself!
And we would like you a, to invite him around...
For dinner.
You've got to be fucking kidding me!?
Let's try that again shall we?
That would be nice. We'll see you tomorrow at dinner, Frankie.
Come on Beth. What's the line?
Go fuck yourself, Frankie!
Heavenly Miss Campbell, please show me the way.
I know it will be sinful to end a man's life.
But Ethan Rembrandt is the epitome of toxic masculinity.
Sexually assaulting girls and getting off scott free just because the school secretary has a life affirming rape kink?
Please, just give me a sign.
If you want me to kill the cunt?
Any... sign... at all?
Destroy all men!
The sisterhood of the coven have spoken.
Fuck the patriarchy!
♪ “Let’s Get Rid of Elizabeth” by Wasted Prospects ♪
Ethan, I really am so sorry about yesterday.
Do you really mean it? I mean I hold no...
Grudges.
Of course, I mean my parents would love to have you over...
What you doing?
Cara mia.
No, Ethan. That's not appropriate. Not in public.
Eww, gross. Clarissa, look!
Eww, Sabrina. Do you see what I see?
Melissa!?
Well, I never thought Henenlotter High would approve of inter-clique erotica.
In fact, Clarissa...
-Please stop with the generic bullying stereotypes.
And 90s TV character name checks.
It's painful.
Interesting take, Beth.
You know, I'm surprised you're still hungry.
Especially after you chowed down on Ethan's poor finger yesterday.
You have no idea.
Don't worry, ladies.
Tonight I'll be converting her into a full-blown preppy carnivore.
In fact, we saw you making eyes at the new English teacher earlier...
planning on inviting Miss Campbell to the All You Can Eat Massacre contest?
Don't give her ideas, Clarissa. You said we were going to win that contest.
I. I said that I was going to win that contest.
Check your station, Sabrina and understand where you are in this pecking order.
I'm the lead.
And Beth, when I win that contest, you'll be the first person on my kill list.
Please, please. Kill me now...
I'm going to exterminate all the freaks and goths at Henenlotter High.
Like it's 1940's Nazi Germany, move over Schindler,
Clarissa's list only has room for the elite student body!
Imagine if she did invite Miss Campbell to the eating contest.
I bet she would quite literally.
Eat... her... out.
♪ “Get Through the Day” by Twiztid ♪
Sabrina
Melissa.
And Clarissa
aka: The Mean Girls
who wanted to be ''Heathers'' but we're too busy sucking on ''Jawbreakers''.
And obsessing over the Tyler McIntyre movie ''Tragedy Girls''.
Not to mention causing school buses to ''Crash and Burn'' -
and I ain't talking 'bout no Charles Band movie, either...
Did you forget!? Henenlotter High ain't your jurisdiction.
Yeah! We're The Mean Girls around here, Mister.
For fucksake, try and make it sound less scripted next time.
You're a 30 year old woman, playing a high school student, okay!?
Come on, Clarissa, let me go...
Without an apology!?
This is going to hurt you, a lot more than it's going to hurt me.
Ahhhhh!
And how about the time they!?-
-Enough with the exposition, Beth Conner. They get it...
Meta and self aware foreshadowing is so fucking pretentious...
Maybe this woke princess needs a taste of other white meat.
Instead of this vegan slop...
Let's fucking go!
♪ “Never Coming Back” by Our Last Enemy ♪
Eat me, Gomez Addams, I fucking dare you!
You think that's edgy!?
Explain this, Clarissa..
On the contrary, Mr Conner.
What the fuck am I supposed to explain to Clarissa's parents?
I'm sorry, your daughter was an art class this afternoon
studying Van Gogh, and lost a fucking ear!?
Let Clarissa explain it all...
Listen, Mr S.
Soy. - Sawyer.
We are deeply and sincerely apologetic
for the way our dear daughter has reacted to this situation.
I can assure you. We didn't bring her up like this.
Did we, Mark?
What can I say? She's a hungry girl...
Clyde...
What Mr Sawyer is trying to say,
is that we feel your daughter,
enjoys the old...
Guys, she's one horror movie away from shooting up the school.
Columbine 2: Electric Boogaloo
Are you fucking kidding me?
This school is enabling school massacres
by allowing students to choose between killing their friends or killing themselves.
Beth, you need to broaden your mind
about zero percent of fucking kids out there right now
are gonna actually amount to anything.
I'm giving them the option to binge and purge
so they have no one else to blame but themselves
but it's students like you that want to ruin it for everybody else.
You want to blame Marilyn Manson
violent video games, Child's Play 3, imaginary friends...
How dare you judge our sweet little dumpling like that?
I mean, just look at her,
she wouldn't harm a fly.
Now Miss Sullivan, I expect Beth to
make a formal apology to the entire school for her unorthodox outbursts.
She's just a child.
Has she not apologised enough? See!
If there's one more incident involving your daughter, Mr Conner.
I'm afraid the school will have to suspend her.
I can see we're not going to see eye to eye...
Or mouth to ear! - Hey, that's not funny!
Nope!
Please come in.
Miss Campbell?
Yes!
Clyde Toulon, head of human resources.
Sorry for the intrusion, but I just saw you in here,
all alone, and...
And well, it's getting rather late.
Yes, sorry. I was just finishing up some work.
It’s been all go here today.
I'll see myself out.
How disappointing.
Well you see, I got you an induction day gift.
A little surprise, shall we say...
That's very sweet of you. But I really need to finish my work, Clyde.
Perhaps some other time.
It will be worth your while...
A surprise?
Ethan. I'm Beth's father, Mark Conner.
It's a pleasure to finally meet you.
Pleasure is all mine, Mr Conner.
Sorry about the finger.
Still. I hope it won't prevent you from scoring for the Henenlotter Hamsters this season?
No need for apologies Mr Connor. I can still fit two in the pink and one in the stink, so…
Ethan Rembrandt will always score if you know what I'm saying?
The youth of today are quite something.
Please, do take a seat.
Beth will be down momentarily.
I have to say I'm truly humbled by your hospitality Mr and Mrs Conner.
It's Miss Sullivan, actually...
Mr Conner and I are in a civil partnership.
Well, actually, I guess you could say it was Beth that
brought us together.
Well my appetite just flew over the cuckoo's nest.
Mother of fuck!
Good evening to you too, Ethan.
Before I forget.
This is for you.
I don't drink on a school night.
Beth, dear, we're British.
We drink every night.
Well, before we say grace, Ethan.
I'd like to say what a beautiful addition you're going to make to our family.
I can just tell.
A toast, to Beth Conner
another notch on Ethan Rembrandt's bedpost.
A-fucking-men.
Testify, Mr Rembrandt.
Okie dokie!
Let me know when I can remove this blindfold, okay?
Okay... Ready.
Surprise!
I'm sorry. I don't remember signing up to this after school special.
Well..
Don't worry.
I'll make sure you're very well... financially compensated.
Now, kneel before Toulon.
Well, when you put it like that.
I wouldn't want to be a problem, Mr Toulon.
Mommy!
Now I want you to get on your knees
and pray.
That's right. Pray to your Weinstein God to save you.
Harvey, Bob, little baby Jesus, help me...
I'm sorry, Clyde.
But your time in this Dimension, has Miramaxed out!
Wakey! Wakey!
Beth?
What are you doing? How did I get up here?
Fuck yes!
Thank you baby Jesus.
I had no idea you were into this kinky shit.
Is that right?
Beth, it would be an honour, nay, a privilege, to be your victim.
Do you feed that line to all your victims?
I mean, potential suitors?
You're the only one I have eyes for, Beth Conner.
Speaking of eyes, I noticed this evening. You have the same eyes as Miss Sullivan
you two could easily pass as mother and daughter.
She is not, my fucking...
MOTHER!
Fuck!
Beth, honey, everything alright in there?
Yeah, yeah, it’s fine! We’re just finishing up.
I hope you’re not raping him?
rape
Beth if you don't open this door right now, I'm going to call the fucking police!
Okay! Okay! I’m coming...
Sport, what happened?
Is Ethan alright?
Ethan is just A-OK!
So, how do you explain...
Err... I was on my period?
Okay...
Well, I wasn’t expecting that.
No, I could smell the metallically coppery smell.
Frankie! Frankie! Honey, that’s enough!
Okay! Well, I’m gonna go wash up.
Love you, Daddy!
♪ “Goth Girls Are Easy” by Lesbian Bed Death ♪
Bingo!
♪ Goth girls are easy ♪
♪ Dark lips, big tits.. Goth girls are easy ♪
♪ Goth boots, cat suit.. Goth girls are easy ♪
♪ Black hair, death stare.. Goth girls are easy ♪
♪ Dark lips, big tits.. ♪
I believe that I speak for my fellow female students here at Henenlotter High.
When I say that, Ethan Rembrandt was taken from us far, far too soon.
We may have woke up in a ditch or passed out outside the door of our estranged parents' household...
but the fact still remains Ethan Rembrandt had a hell of a lot of love left to give.
He did the deed and indeed he spread his seed
before taking part in his favourite pastime of ding dong ditch. In fact-
Am I hearing this bullshit correctly?
Beth Conner, will you please show some respect!?
You of all people should understand the pain and sorrow your fellow sisters are feeling right now…
Besides, you were scheduled to be his next victim!
I'm sorry, but what I meant to say was...
You were due to be Ethan Rembrandt's next conquest!
In fact, I am glad he is dead!
He's probably down there in hell right now, roasting marshmallows whilst
watching horror movies produced by those fucking Weinstein brothers!
That’s enough, Beth!
I won’t hear you say another sacrilegious word about the Weinstein brothers.
Yes, Miss Montgomery...
Well, who doesn't love the Scream franchise?
Am I right, girls?
I love Scream 3...
Consider yourself cancelled.
Well, if it isn’t the carpet munching vegan goth-cannibal herself.
Bit off more than we can chew?
Come again?
-You heard me.
I’m sorry Clarissa, I couldn't “ear” you...
Are we auditioning for the Henenlotter Hamsters
cheerleading contest, Beth?
Beth. We know your dark little secret.
Ethan’s parents phoned the school to say that
he was dropped off last night...
Eaten.
Not to mention, someone ripped off Clyde Toulon’s fucking head!
What are the chances of that, hey!?
After attending the Conner household, Ethan ends up as the main course...
And then Beth fancied herself a little head...
You better come clean, Beth.
Before we tell Deetz and Mr Sawyer.
And that would be a fate far worse than death...
Death? You say that like it’s a bad thing, Melissa.
Too bad your Mommy’s not alive...
To see what a freak her cunting daughter has turned into
on her 18th birthday.
Did anyone ever tell you:
You look kinda sexy when you bleed?
That’s kind of inappropriate for a teacher to say to a student.
Can we order another round of pancakes for Miss Gluttony over here?
And just another refill of your damn fine Henenlotter coffee.
We close in five minutes.
Don't worry, with the appetite she has she'll be done in two.
I’m sorry, you were saying?
Well, I may have eaten Ethan...
What do you mean you “may have eaten Ethan?”
Something came over me, this like.. primal urge.
Prove it.
Excuse me?
Prove it to me right here, right now.
What’s the matter? Am I not good enough to eat?
You have no fucking idea.
You've eaten every pancake in the diner.
I recognise a cry for help when I see one.
Do you wanna know my secret?
Sure.
What secret!?
Everybody seems to be falling for you lately, Beth!?
Bye! Bye!
What the fuck!?
Beth? Beth! Do you wanna know my secret or not?
Sure?
I suffer from something known as erotophonophilia...
Erono-nono-who?
The lust for death!
You remember the human resources representative at Henenlotter High right?
Clyde Toulon, of course, why?
You know how we both love animals right, Beth?
Adore them.
Well, you know how humans send animals off to the slaughter without a conscience in the world?
Well that’s what I did to Clyde right here.
You know, Miss Campbell, I -
I’ve waited a long time to find someone who truly understands me, Beth.
Together we could rid the world of this toxic self-appointed patriarchy
that serves nothing to womankind but pain and grief.
But we're only going to kill bad people, right?
Pinkie promise.
Consider this my peace offering, and understanding.
Eat up!
-Whoops!
Miss Campbell, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
♪ “Dancer in the Dark” by Dylan Mars Greenberg ♪
Wait, you sure we won't get caught?
Would I lie to you, Beth?
Trust me Tusk, the All You Can Eat Massacre will be a grand success.
Thus, guaranteeing yours truly, another year as Headmaster.
Am I right? I’m right!
Just, hold your horses and let’s wait for the ratings, okay?
Who is that woman over there making out with that student?
That’s Miss Campbell, another American member of the faculty...
Doh! BETH!
Mark my words Beth.
No longer will you be groomed here by a teacher at Henenlotter High.
Again, I wasn’t groomed.
Nonsense, that’s the Stockholm Syndrome talking.
Stockholm? I remember Stockholm...
I once spent a weekend skiing in Stockholm...
with Clyde.
Miss Campbell was hired under your watch.
Do you have anything to say about this Sawyer?
I know what it’s like to lose someone...
Come again?
That’s what she said.
Now look, Beth. You got to share some of the responsibility here.
Sawyer, she was sexually molested.
Bullshit! I’m just calling it as I see it, fingers, ears, decapitated heads of football players.
My number one boy, Clyde!
Get your shit together.
We’re in Henenlotter, the United Kingdom, the age of consent is sixteen.
And after all, I’m seventeen, going on eighteen...
Alright, Sound of Music!
The Sound of Music is my all time favourite film about Nazis!
SIEG HEIL!
What the fuck, Nancy?
What the fuck, Nancy!?
Beth, there’s no reason to speak to the rag sheets about this isolated incident.
My significant other Nancy has taken care of everything.
Taken care of what?
Miss Campbell has been sent on a plane
back to the greatest country on God’s flat earth.
What?
Teachers shouldn't be gallivanting with students, it just isn’t cricket, darling.
But it's okay for the school secretary to fuck underaged students?
Excuse me?
Ethan Rembrandt was 17 years old, and based on Henenlotter High’s jurisdiction,
that brands you Miss Montgomery, a paedophile, a kiddie fiddler, a child fucker!
A Serbian hanky-panky!
Pay no attention to this edge lord centennial.
She’s just trying to push the envelope.
Speaking of envelopes...
Mr Everbone, Miss Campbell asked me to deliver this envelope directly to you.
And now you've taken, the only thing I truly love.
I hereby announce my official entry into the All You Can Eat Massacre contest.
And mark my words, I’m going to win that handgun,
blow my fucking brains out, and escape this shitty horror movie once and for all.
No longer will I have to put up with you loser characters again!
Romantic comedy genre, here I come!
Atta girl! That’s the kinda passion I’m talking about!
Pro-choice suicide! But anybody can shoot up a school, there’s no talent in that!
You want to take your own life? Or partake in a school massacre?
But you have to earn it.
Earn it.
Binge and purge.
BINGE AND PURGE, BABY!
Yeah!!
That girls got talent. Pizzazz!
I see big things coming!
It’s a scream, baby!
Woooh!
Its a screaaaammmmmm.
I've been looking for a girl just like you all my life, Beth Conner...
Someone that truly loves and accepts me for the person I am...
I would be completely lost without you, my darling.
Promise that you’ll never leave me, Beth? Pinkie promise?
You should have seen the look on that goth girl's face,
when I told her I sent back Miss Campbell on a plane.
On 9/11 nonetheless.
Pew! Pew! Pew! Kaboom!
I know! I know
the irony.
And who says jet fuel can’t melt poisoned hearts?
Cottonmouth.
Rather have a cottonmouth than a cotton eye joe.
Campbell? What the howdy-doody are you doing here?
I booked you first class tickets on that hijacked flight.
9/11 is a national holiday for our people.
Do you find this titillating, Miss Campbell?
We all know nudity in the horror genre is only
there to appeal to the lowest common denominator.
You donut bashers are all the same, and I'm just-
If this was an A24 film, it would be classed as brave and progressive.
Now, open up your virgin mouth like a Criterion Collection cuck boy.
And say Ahhhhhhh.
Ahhhhh.
Jiminy cricket! We gotta get you to a hospital, lickity-split!
Nancy has left the building.
So ladies, Miss Goth Cheeks thinks she’s going to win the All You Can Eat Massacre.
But, once the food turns out to be non-vegan, she’ll forfeit.
Then I’ll win the All You Can Eat Massacre, and be awarded a shiny gun by The Midnight Rose.
And send all the freaks and geeks at Henenlotter High to my own personal concentration camp.
Any questions?
Clarissa.
What is it, Melissa?
Don’t you think it’s about time that we won something for a change?
Yeah, Clarissa. Why do you always want to have your cake and eat it too?
I'm going to ruin Beth Connor's life and put an end to her ridiculous American Pie fetish.
Underrated franchise, I particularly love those straight to video sequels.
I think she means the pie, as in the poontang pie, as in the pussy.
Cunt.
Ok thank you Sabrina.
That good pie.
Shut up, Sabrina.
It’s Mellisa.
I’m Sabrina.
And who the fuck is this?
Well sir, that's The Midnight Rose, greatest wrestling manager of all time!
And the host to the All You Can Eat Massacre.
Of course it is.
Mr Braxton, can you please send in Mr Law?
Sawyer, meet Byron Law, head of the British school board.
This won’t take long, Tusk. Please proceed.
What’s happening here?
Well, we’ve heard all about your colourful history with Reams for Less.
And your current tenure with Henenlotter High is...
for lack of a better term, problematic.
Problematic? What is this woke shit!?
Do you know what lies in here?
We didn't know you were an accomplice to...
child grooming, Sawyer?
He he he.. This, this can’t be right. There must be a mistake.
The only mistake I see in this room is the one sat in front of me.
What?
You’re fired. Get the fuck out!
Wait a second. You're firing me, Tusk!?
That’s Mr Everbone!
And where should I begin? Student teacher relationships running rampant.
Your partner, the school secretary, sleeping with an underaged student.
We are going to have a public relations nightmare, all because of you!
Listen, Tusk. Mr Everbone.
You’re canceling me!
You’re not firing me, you’re canceling me!
Would be better if you killed me, then cancel me!
I mean, I had no idea, I had no idea what was going on!
I swear on the lives of these kids, I had no idea!
What happened to the man who ruled with an iron... golf club?
You’ve become nothing more than a caricature of yourself.
Relying on your cute little catch phrases to pop an audience.
What happened to the man who was Reams for Less regional manager of the year,
five years in a row?
Or did the Sawyer we all know and love die?
And what sits before me is a figment of my imagination.
Mr Sawyer, on behalf of Henenlotter High...
We wish you all the best,
in your future endeavours.
And Sawyer.
Whoopsie fucking daisy!
No you didn't!
♪ “Devil” by Delilah Bon ♪
Good morning, goth cheeks!
Poor pancake princess.
I always knew she would make a good cheerleader
for the Henenlotter Hamsters football team.
Get her!
Hold still, Beth Conner.
You flinch again and I won’t hesitate to cut you.
You should thank Clarissa for doing your makeup.
It’s so you.
Let me go!
Beth Conner,
we meet again.
I didn’t mean to eat him.
So you admit it? You ate Ethan Rembrandt?
We told you Miss Montgomery.
Poor Mr Sawyer.
Look who’s come to save the day.
You know, the school board frowns upon members of staff sleeping with students, Miss Campbell
#me too.
Excuse me?
I wonder what Mr Sawyer would have to say about a very
senior member of staff sleeping with a student?
Prepare to resign Miss Campbell.
I agree.
BANG!
Miss Campbell, what are you doing here?
Have you forgotten what day it is, Beth?
I had this awful dream that Clarissa, Melissa and Sabrina kidnapped me.
And you killed Deetz.
Are you sure it was just a dream?
Hey! I’ve got a surprise for you!
For your birthday.
Am I still dreaming?
You wish.
Welcome home, Miss Campbell.
We weren't expecting you back so early.
Wait, how do you know Miss Campbell? And why is the house so dark?
Well, sport. We wouldn’t want to spoil anything for you would we?
That’s right, Mark. Shall I do the honours?
Or should Miss Campbell?
Wait, how do you three know each other?
It’s just like Ethan...
it’s only a little prick.
What did they say? They said..
Mr Sawyer, forget Reams for Less.
You’re the one to bring prestige back to Henenlotter High.
These students, they they will respect you, they will love you.
And I’ll love them.
What happened?
I fed them discipline, respect, pride in education.
And they bit the hand that fed them.
They killed my number one boy, Clyde...
And you, deserted me, Deetz.
Was I not enough? Was I not enough?
Were we missing something?
I love... I loved you, Deetz...
And you fucked a child. You fu...
I can’t forgive that, I can’t...
I can’t.
And these motherfucking kids...
spitting in my face.
Spitting in Mr Motherfucking Sawyer’s face!
Time to put the dogs in the pool area.
A toast to our main course this evening.
My daughter, Beth Conner.
Crowd: Beth Conner.
Can we eat her now, Mark? Can we?
In due time...
Miss Campbell, would you do the honours?
It would be my absolute pleasure, Mr Conner.
The Conner clan has been waiting for this moment for
18 years.
The last time we were all here...
was for your mother.
Your mother tasted so good Beth.
Thankfully you both share the same blood type, delicious.
And we've been waiting a good 12 years to all be reunited once more...
as a family.
It was an absolute honour Mr Conner to put an end to your wife.
Thanks for inviting me back to Henenlotter to tie up loose ends.
Not to mention helping fatten your daughter up on Henenlotter prime meat.
You could say this is the...
♪ CIRCLE OF LIFEEEEEE! ♪
Meow!
Think nothing of it, Miss Campbell.
In fact...
we have a special guest,
don’t we Frankie!?
Do you believe in miracles, Beth?
There we go,
there we go, Momma.
Don’t you just love a family reunion?
This feels just like old times...
Ahhhhhh!
Where do you think you’re going dressed like that, dear?
To the All You Can Eat Massacre.
Don’t you like my dress, Frankie?
Your dress? Well, it’s cute dumpling, but...
I much prefer your plump flesh.
Beth! Beth! Beth! Beth! Beth!
Sport! This is a sacred family ritual.
Think of it as quality time.
Try not to take any of this personally.
Now, now. That’s not very ladylike is it?
What would your mother say?
You’re right, Dad.
Make room for daddy.
There, there, easy does it.
Arrrgh!
I think she’d be fucking proud of me! Daddy!
You’re too late, Beth. Henenlotter High is about to have their eating contest.
School massacres will no longer see colour.
We are one big melting pot of death!
Don't fight it, Beth.
You're the millennial product of the American High School Trope.
And what’s more poetic and American than...
♪ a high school massacre? ♪
Nostalgia is fucking cancer!
BANG!
Don't go far now. I'll be returning for y'all soon!
Nancy! Where have you been?
The British school board has signed an exclusive multi-year extension based on tonight's projected ratings.
Sawyer has finally fucked off!
And I, Tusk Everbone, control the intellectual property rights to the All You Can Eat Massacre brand.
And we, my little dumpling.
Bask in all the glory, illuminated by a hail of gunfire.
Goddammit! Sandy Hook ain’t got shit on us!
I ain’t Nancy.
Tell me, do you have pride?
Pride?
I asked you a question, Tusk! Do you have motherfucking pride...
in education?
Sawyer?
That’s Mr Sawyer.
Please listen! You must listen!
We can rebuild Henenlotter High together.
Think of the students. Think of the future.
That’s right.
Think of the dollars invested into this institution and into this tragedy.
Planning for the future, when there is no future.
Selling silver dollar fantasies and pocketing the gold.
Discarding the damage and fist fucking the youth.
That’s what you do! That’s what you believe in.
Mr Sawyer, I...
Whoopsie fucking daisy!
And how’s your 18th birthday going, Beth?
Fucking terrible, thanks for asking!
Not only have I discovered that my father and his girlfriend help kill my mother many years ago,
but that they’re also homicidal cannibals.
And, my one true love, 1: Helped them kill my mom.
Helped fatten me up to be served as the main course of my own 18th birthday.
Fat chance!
And 3: Wants my problematic high school to implode into one big high school massacre.
Well, not on my fucking watch!
I am going to win the All You Can Eat Massacre contest.
Be awarded that gun. Blow my fucking brains out!
And say goodbye to the cast and crew of Eating Miss Campbell for good.
So, yeah, happy 18th birthday to me, right?
And before I forget, SCREW TROMA MOVIES!
♪ “Ash” by Unquiet Dead ♪
Sawyer, sweetie.
Don’t fucking move!
I don’t understand?
After everything we’ve been through!
You’ve been working long nights on the All You Can Eat Massacre event.
What do you expect a girl to do?
Ethan?
Ethan Rembrandt? Please, that’s absurd.
I saw the polaroid photos.
He was a child. A fucking child.
I love you.
I’ll always love you...
But I fucking hate paedophiles...
♪ Yankee doodle went to town, a-riding on a donkey ♪
♪ Stuck a feather in his hat and called it macaroni ♪
Someone there?
Still hungry, Beth?
I have so many delicacies to offer.
Why did you kill her?
Who, honey?
My mother!
Why does anybody do anything, Beth?
Your father had a taste for human flesh after he
had an affair with Frankie, of course.
He sought me out and the rest is history.
That is such a fucked up excuse!
Now Beth, is it fair to judge other people's kinks when yours are morally questionable?
I mean, look at us.
We’re just the product of what society made us into.
Do you really think society, much less the audience,
cares about a confused suicidal goth girl,
with an insatiable love for human flesh?
You’ve got a point.
Remember when I said that you looked sexy when you bled?
I meant it.
You’re horribly mistaken, Miss Campbell.
It’s not my time of the month!
Give it up for Ochie and Friends!
Look at what we’ve got here, a late contestant.
Put your hands together for Beth Conner!
One for you.
Yum, yum, yum.
Snap into that, oooh yeah!
Ooooh, spicy!
What are we eating?
Miss Campbell.
Remember, the winner of the All You Can Eat Massacre will win this beautiful handgun and choose...
Whether to shoot up their school!
Or shoot themselves!
On your marks!
Get set!
Chow down!
♪ “Far 2 Young 2 Die” by Tom Green ♪
And the winner of the All You Can Eat Massacre!
Beth Conner!
Ho! Ho! Ho!
Beth, give me the gun.
You know how this should end...
mass genocide the likes this town has never seen.
On a curricular level.
Clarissa. School shootings are so 1999.
Beth’s right. We need to learn from this. Grow as characters. School shootings are wrong!
Yeah, Clarissa. Nostalgia is AIDS.
Shut up, Sabrina.
It’s Melissa!
No one cares...
♪ “Eaten Alive By Fucking Crabs” by Bodach ♪
Run and hide motherfuckers!
Binge and purge, motherfuckers!
Changed the rules on ya?
You’re not stealing this moment away from me!
I won this fucking contest!
Whoopsie fucking daisy!
Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!
You are a spectacle of teenage darkness!
Only through tragedy, do we truly understand each other.
Don’t you get that?
That’s what all this has been about!
This is Mr Sawyer,
wishing you...
good health.
Mr Sawyer...
has left the building, motherfuckers!
Beth Conner!
The winner of the All You Can Eat Massacre!
Now you have binged! You must purge!
What shall your choice be?
Well, I guess this is goodbye.
Well...
bottoms up for end credits!
Greetings and salutations, Beth Conner.
Do goth vegans masturbate with cucumbers or-
It’s just a dream, it isn’t real...
I fucking hate low budget horror movies.
♪ “Through” by Wheatus ♪
♪ “Fellatio on the 4th of July'' by SomeWhere OutHere ♪
Beth Conner!
What the fuck