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Downloaded from
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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Please put your hands together
and welcome to the stage,

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Guy Montgomery!

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Thank you. Yes.

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I am also excited.

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You guys,
we've made a great decision.

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Got a really good feeling about it.

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And to top it all off,

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I'm actually in
a bit of a funny mood.

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You know, which bodes
well for this show, I think.

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You know, you can't imagine how
excited I was

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when I heard I was doing stand
up comedy this evening

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I thought, yes, that's perfect.

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You know, that's my job.

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It's much better than when I
show up

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and they say, okay Guy,

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you got to fix the pipes.

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I think, guys,

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I can't fix the pipes

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and I can't do a single damn thing.

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I don't know if you can tell by
looking at me,

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I'm someone
who adds no practical value

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in any given circumstance.

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I have essentially made

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it this far in life
by being good for morale.

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That's not so bad.

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There are worse things
to be than good for morale.

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Bad for morale springs to mind.

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But I'm lucky I found comedy.

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You know, I remember when I first

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looked for a job,
it was in the newspaper

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and at the bottom,

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some of the listings, it would say

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time wasters need not apply.

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I remember seeing that and
thinking Goddamn,

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any time waster worth

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their salt is going to take
their pay

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You got to look at this from
their perspective.

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They're sitting there,

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combing through a newspaper

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thinking, oh, no, just my luck,

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There's no-one for me

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to specifically antagonise today.

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No, the plan is that I'm going
to do the show,

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so I'm going to stick to the plan.

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Because even now,
you know, we're having fun.

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But to look at the time.

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Yeah, so that might be the case.

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It says here no time to dilly dally.

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And that's a shame
because it can be fun.

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But I have not come out here
this evening to dilly nor dally

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and nor have I actually come
out here

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to fuck...

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spiders.

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Now, you're not going to
believe what I tell you next,

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but that colloquialism
is only for Australia.

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Can you imagine something
as immediately

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understandable as that, not
making it worldwide?

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It's just, you know, I'm sick
of it.

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You know, maybe,
maybe tonight's the night.

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Maybe the sole reason I came
out here this evening,

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is to scour the ceiling

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in the hopes of finding
some plucky young arachnid

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who is up for it.

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I'm not getting
I'm not going to do it.

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And it's just, as you know,

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it's not fair
on the people at the back

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who don't have a clear eyeline.

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But I don't have the stamina to
go back there and do it again.

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But if you couldn't see,

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I took four fingers

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from each hand to represent
the eight legs of this

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it's a detailed piece, you know,

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and I am a perfect gentleman.

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What I just like to say,

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because, you know,
the internal logic of that,

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that saying,
we assume that previously

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there was someone
who is entering a room

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and having sex with spiders

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with such alarming frequency

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that the unusual thing was when
they came in

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and everyone thought, oh,

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great, Greg's here,

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we're going to have to watch
this whole song and dance,

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while he finds and fucks a spider,

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and then Greg's going, no
fellas, Is no, it's not what
you think.

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Not tonight.

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I don't have time.

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I'm off to seduce a millipede.

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00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:46,547
Yeah, I know, I dunno...

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And now we say it to communicate.

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We're just,
you know, in a bit of a hurry.

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You know, I was at the Auckland Zoo

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recently in the spider enclosure

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and in there is a collection of
15 to 20

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of the least venomous spiders
you'll come across.

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You know, our entire line up of
native animals in New Zealand

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is pathetic.

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There's not a single natural
predator amongst them.

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Not while I'm outta the country...

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But we're in the spider
enclosure and I am bored out of
my skull,

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and so I turn to my friends.

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I say, Come on, look, let's get
out of here.

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Not here to fuck spiders.

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And the looks on their little faces,

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we're talking 15 to 20 spiders,

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just absolutely crestfallen.

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All they want in life is to
have sex with one person you know.

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And I'm walking through saying
it's not on the table. Sorry.

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It's you got to be careful
about what you say

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because your words matter.

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And I love words, you know,

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I do.

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I like it when words are strung
together to form whole sentences.

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Call me crazy.

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Like I like idioms.

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Now, do, do you know idioms?

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Ah, no.

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No? That's okay.

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I do.

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The whole show doesn't hinge on,

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you knowing idioms.

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It's a weight off
your shoulders, I'm sure.

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And just between you and me,

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what I just said

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is an idiom.

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Nearly everything I say...

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is an idiom.

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No, that's not true.

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It was a saying that was doing
the rounds a lot

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in the last couple of years.

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People would say

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"a problem shared is a problem
halved."

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You know that? A problem shared

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is a problem halved.

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And you think, oh, yeah, but

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not for one person.

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Because one person
was just having a regular day

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and then they got half a
problem dropped in their lap.

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And when you're
scaling up from zero problems,

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half a problem, well...

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now that's going to feel
like a whole problem.

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Well, they also say "a good captain

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always goes down with his
ship."

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Now,

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I cannot be alone in thinking
it's high time

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we started setting ourselves
some higher standards

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for our captains,

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because there's

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a pretty persuasive
argument to be made

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that a good captain sails more
or less,

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without incident...

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to their intended port.

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I'm sick and tired
of standing down by the water,

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watching some fresh shipwreck
500 meters off shore.

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having every Tom, Dick
and Harry come up to me saying,

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"Would you take a look at that
guy, hell of a captain."

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I say, Tom, Dick, Harry. No!

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That is a,
that is a tragedy,

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that's a crisis.

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We should, we should do something,

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but we don't we don't do anything.

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Some of you are probably now
worried the whole show will be idioms.

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And those people I would like
to say, "hold your horses."

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Hold your horses.

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They only live to be about
25 or 30 years

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00:10:01,468 --> 00:10:03,536
and they'll be gone before,
you know.

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I um,

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I wanted to buy
a book of idioms for the show,

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but you don't have to worry.

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I didn't, I couldn't find the book.

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But I did go to the bookshop.

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Have you been to a bookshop?

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You have? Yeah.

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And what do they sell?

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Books mostly.

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Yeah, you got it man.

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00:10:30,764 --> 00:10:32,032
It's books mostly. Yeah.

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They sell other stuff,
they sell like chocolates

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and whatnot near the counter.

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But they don't put that on the sign.

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Only the true book lovers
know about the chocolates.

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You know,

185
00:10:46,847 --> 00:10:49,883
I shudder to think of the
number of chocoholics

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00:10:50,383 --> 00:10:52,853
walking down the street,
just jonesing for a fix.

187
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No idea they could sort
themselves out

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if they took one chance
in their pathetic lives.

189
00:11:02,896 --> 00:11:05,332
Where they sell you know,
books and chocolates

190
00:11:05,332 --> 00:11:06,533
and um...

191
00:11:06,967 --> 00:11:07,935
pen and paper.

192
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,603
OK, so you think you could
write one?

193
00:11:13,807 --> 00:11:15,075
But it's mostly books,

194
00:11:15,475 --> 00:11:18,178
and you go in there
and it's like, it's just it's,

195
00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:20,480
you know,
they've got books on the walls!

196
00:11:21,749 --> 00:11:23,150
Which is different.

197
00:11:23,751 --> 00:11:25,318
And some of these books,

198
00:11:25,418 --> 00:11:27,755
it's like they've not even
heard that we're no longer

199
00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:29,122
judging them by their cover.

200
00:11:29,122 --> 00:11:31,524
The way they stand...

201
00:11:36,396 --> 00:11:37,230
But I don't go for them.

202
00:11:37,330 --> 00:11:39,499
I go for the more coy books.

203
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:41,568
The ones that stand like this.

204
00:11:45,739 --> 00:11:48,175
Do you like my spine?

205
00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:51,278
Freaky bitch?

206
00:11:54,247 --> 00:11:55,515
They got the books on the walls,

207
00:11:55,615 --> 00:11:57,517
then they've got
the books on the table,

208
00:11:57,617 --> 00:11:59,219
and I can get around that.

209
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:02,422
I see books on a table, and I
think that's what it looks like
at home.

210
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:08,996
But you can tell it's a hard
time for books

211
00:12:09,162 --> 00:12:11,498
because they've started putting
stickers on the cover of books,

212
00:12:11,598 --> 00:12:14,167
you know, some big marketing
guru had big books

213
00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:17,237
come up with a scheme to
try and shift a few more units.

214
00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:18,471
They started putting these stickers

215
00:12:18,471 --> 00:12:21,074
on the covers that say they'll
often say something like,

216
00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:24,077
"Now a major motion picture."

217
00:12:25,645 --> 00:12:30,150
The single most
counterintuitive marketing scheme...

218
00:12:31,785 --> 00:12:32,619
I've seen.

219
00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:35,555
This is the equivalent of
walking into a bike store

220
00:12:35,555 --> 00:12:37,424
and having the guy behind the counter

221
00:12:37,524 --> 00:12:39,827
tell you about the concept of cars.

222
00:12:43,030 --> 00:12:44,264
So cars you say?

223
00:12:44,364 --> 00:12:46,399
Well, thank you

224
00:12:46,399 --> 00:12:47,434
so much.

225
00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:50,838
You've saved me a huge amount
of time and hassle.

226
00:12:52,239 --> 00:12:54,808
I was going to use my legs for everything.

227
00:12:56,844 --> 00:12:59,279
But I've not had the courage
to tell authors

228
00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:00,713
about the moving pictures.

229
00:13:00,713 --> 00:13:04,251
You know, I feel like that's
outside of my jurisdiction.

230
00:13:04,351 --> 00:13:06,186
A family member should do that.

231
00:13:07,955 --> 00:13:10,290
Because they're still writing them,

232
00:13:10,390 --> 00:13:12,259
poor bastards.

233
00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:14,194
And, you know,
they're getting better.

234
00:13:14,394 --> 00:13:17,965
They've started publishing some
books they've got images in them,

235
00:13:18,065 --> 00:13:20,100
and they've even started
publishing some books,

236
00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:22,702
if you open them up the whole
way, there's a...

237
00:13:22,702 --> 00:13:23,904
like a picture will pop

238
00:13:24,271 --> 00:13:25,772
right up out of
the middle of the book.

239
00:13:25,873 --> 00:13:28,508
And when I see that, I think,
oh, you are...

240
00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:30,777
you are getting close.

241
00:13:31,945 --> 00:13:33,947
You are so close.

242
00:13:35,282 --> 00:13:37,951
You keep going.
You'll figure it out.

243
00:13:40,888 --> 00:13:43,390
Yeah.
I still read some things.

244
00:13:43,390 --> 00:13:46,526
For instance,
I was I went out for breakfast

245
00:13:47,060 --> 00:13:48,896
this morning and halfway through

246
00:13:48,896 --> 00:13:50,263
I had to go to the restroom.

247
00:13:50,263 --> 00:13:52,365
So I sit down and after I
finish, I stand up

248
00:13:52,465 --> 00:13:53,901
and I'm washing my hands.

249
00:13:53,901 --> 00:13:56,536
And there was
a sign in the bottom right

250
00:13:56,536 --> 00:13:58,972
hand corner of the mirror that said,

251
00:13:59,907 --> 00:14:01,808
"Please do not flush anything

252
00:14:01,808 --> 00:14:03,610
other than toilet paper.

253
00:14:03,610 --> 00:14:05,645
Thank you, management."

254
00:14:05,645 --> 00:14:08,515
You know, and so I cursed
myself for reading that.

255
00:14:08,615 --> 00:14:10,850
You can only imagine my
humiliation when I had

256
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:13,053
to scoop up my own shit...

257
00:14:14,021 --> 00:14:15,555
in my bare hands, you know,

258
00:14:15,655 --> 00:14:19,326
and traipse it through this
cafe to throw out in the street

259
00:14:19,326 --> 00:14:21,194
like a frickin' animal!

260
00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:27,100
But I draw the line at books.

261
00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:29,336
I no longer read books

262
00:14:29,336 --> 00:14:31,571
because I'm not an idiot.

263
00:14:33,073 --> 00:14:34,174
And I haven't read a book

264
00:14:34,174 --> 00:14:35,775
for a, you know, for a minute now.

265
00:14:35,775 --> 00:14:37,577
And it's let me tell you, it's

266
00:14:37,577 --> 00:14:39,279
not a lack of opportunity

267
00:14:41,814 --> 00:14:43,450
you know, there was a time recently

268
00:14:43,450 --> 00:14:47,354
when I mean, I've always
wondered to myself, it's a
funny thing,

269
00:14:48,288 --> 00:14:49,589
but I've always wondered to myself

270
00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:53,193
what I would be capable of if I
just had a couple of years to myself.

271
00:14:54,094 --> 00:14:56,429
And the answer is nothing.

272
00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:01,201
The only thing I learned about
myself in the last few years,

273
00:15:01,301 --> 00:15:04,404
it turns out the big thing
hold me back from greatness

274
00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:07,807
is not in fact, time on my hands.

275
00:15:10,043 --> 00:15:14,514
Turns out it's a perfect blend
of natural ability and work ethic.

276
00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:18,085
Just my luck.

277
00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:20,287
I couldn't even tell you what
I've been doing.

278
00:15:20,487 --> 00:15:21,354
You know,

279
00:15:21,354 --> 00:15:23,356
I think I started running

280
00:15:23,356 --> 00:15:27,627
for a little bit
there, went for two runs.

281
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,262
One a year.

282
00:15:30,630 --> 00:15:32,799
You got to spread them out.

283
00:15:32,899 --> 00:15:35,902
I, you know, I ate, you gotta eat,

284
00:15:37,870 --> 00:15:40,440
you gotta eat, or you'll die.

285
00:15:41,741 --> 00:15:45,045
It's one of my idioms.

286
00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:48,715
You know? And early on, I was
like anyone else.

287
00:15:48,715 --> 00:15:51,784
I started eating
a lot of bread, you know?

288
00:15:52,485 --> 00:15:53,553
But then I thought,

289
00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:54,754
I've got half a mind to think

290
00:15:54,754 --> 00:15:58,625
big bread could be behind
this whole damn pandemic.

291
00:15:58,725 --> 00:15:59,926
No one's done better

292
00:15:59,926 --> 00:16:01,261
at this thing than bread.

293
00:16:01,361 --> 00:16:02,662
I would not be shocked

294
00:16:02,662 --> 00:16:04,664
to see a paper trail of filthy

295
00:16:04,664 --> 00:16:06,166
sourdough money

296
00:16:06,266 --> 00:16:08,801
leading to a laboratory in Wuhan.

297
00:16:11,104 --> 00:16:13,173
So it wasn't long
before I got off bread.

298
00:16:13,273 --> 00:16:15,142
I got on the oats,

299
00:16:15,142 --> 00:16:16,943
started eating a lot of oats,

300
00:16:16,943 --> 00:16:18,578
trying to do in my house for oats,

301
00:16:18,578 --> 00:16:21,014
what Covid did for bread.

302
00:16:25,052 --> 00:16:27,154
And I was having oats
every day for a while there.

303
00:16:27,154 --> 00:16:28,221
But then they got boring.

304
00:16:28,221 --> 00:16:30,790
So instead,
I started eating only oats

305
00:16:31,458 --> 00:16:32,659
on one day of the week.

306
00:16:32,659 --> 00:16:34,794
Every Tuesday was nothing but oats.

307
00:16:35,062 --> 00:16:36,763
I call it oats day.

308
00:16:36,863 --> 00:16:39,532
It's not it's
not a perfect portmanteau, but

309
00:16:41,034 --> 00:16:45,772
you got to remember, I was
feeling pretty fragile at the time.

310
00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:49,609
And I was having oats, I'm
talking all the time.

311
00:16:49,709 --> 00:16:51,010
Every meal, like all the,

312
00:16:51,111 --> 00:16:52,145
you know, the three most,

313
00:16:52,145 --> 00:16:54,747
What do you think the three
most famous meals are?

314
00:16:55,115 --> 00:16:56,183
Breakfast?

315
00:16:56,583 --> 00:16:59,852
Breakfast, lunch, dinner.

316
00:17:00,587 --> 00:17:02,922
I was more
thinking like the Last Supper

317
00:17:04,991 --> 00:17:06,726
you know,
dinner on death row

318
00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:08,928
and maybe feeding time at the zoo.

319
00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:13,600
But um, I wrong-footed
you there.

320
00:17:17,070 --> 00:17:18,405
They don't tell you on the way in,

321
00:17:18,405 --> 00:17:20,173
but there's a high risk

322
00:17:20,173 --> 00:17:23,576
of joshing at the show.

323
00:17:24,411 --> 00:17:27,247
And you, you've been joshed.

324
00:17:30,950 --> 00:17:32,252
Breakfast, lunch and dinner. Yeah.

325
00:17:32,252 --> 00:17:34,221
I mean, they're not the only
meals, mind you.

326
00:17:34,221 --> 00:17:35,222
There are the meals.

327
00:17:35,222 --> 00:17:37,457
You got the Tea Brothers,

328
00:17:37,457 --> 00:17:39,559
morning and afternoon.

329
00:17:41,761 --> 00:17:43,496
Desserts,

330
00:17:44,797 --> 00:17:46,533
the midnight snack

331
00:17:46,533 --> 00:17:47,434
huh?

332
00:17:48,301 --> 00:17:50,770
When I was a teenager, I
thought the midnight snack

333
00:17:50,770 --> 00:17:53,573
was going to be a way bigger
part of my life.

334
00:17:55,175 --> 00:17:56,309
The number of man hours

335
00:17:56,409 --> 00:17:57,710
I put into plotting and scheming

336
00:17:57,810 --> 00:18:00,046
and how I could have a morsel
of food after midnight,

337
00:18:00,046 --> 00:18:01,448
I was like Danny Ocean.

338
00:18:01,448 --> 00:18:04,917
But now if... I if I have food
after midnight,

339
00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:06,786
well ah, well it's grim

340
00:18:08,388 --> 00:18:10,190
and that's not the only

341
00:18:10,190 --> 00:18:11,958
thing that gets
lost on that childhood

342
00:18:11,958 --> 00:18:13,360
to adulthood journey.

343
00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:14,661
Because also, like you remember

344
00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:15,962
when you're a boy

345
00:18:15,962 --> 00:18:18,030
and your parents give you a spy kit

346
00:18:18,030 --> 00:18:21,100
and you think, wo-ho, I'm a spy,

347
00:18:21,634 --> 00:18:24,204
binoculars,
magnifying glass and all that.

348
00:18:24,504 --> 00:18:26,806
So you learn to be
a spy for a few years

349
00:18:26,806 --> 00:18:28,841
and then your parents say, okay Guy,

350
00:18:28,841 --> 00:18:29,909
no more spying,

351
00:18:29,909 --> 00:18:31,744
because that is literally

352
00:18:31,844 --> 00:18:33,180
the creepiest shit

353
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:34,947
you can do.

354
00:18:35,348 --> 00:18:36,483
Who gave me the kit?

355
00:18:36,483 --> 00:18:37,417
You know...?

356
00:18:38,017 --> 00:18:39,919
All of a sudden
I grow one pubic hair, and

357
00:18:39,919 --> 00:18:42,121
it's off the menu.

358
00:18:44,023 --> 00:18:46,626
There is no justice.

359
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:48,428
But what I'm trying to say is

360
00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:51,063
I was eating a lot of oats,

361
00:18:51,164 --> 00:18:52,699
and because

362
00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:54,767
and we drink oat milk in my house

363
00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:56,068
and I don't know why,

364
00:18:56,068 --> 00:18:57,404
because the oat milk is wedged

365
00:18:57,404 --> 00:18:59,672
between the butter and the cheese.

366
00:18:59,672 --> 00:19:02,775
It feels like a pretty
arbitrary line of distinction

367
00:19:02,775 --> 00:19:04,043
to draw

368
00:19:04,244 --> 00:19:06,913
with respect to
ethical dairy consumption.

369
00:19:08,515 --> 00:19:11,351
And I would love to get off
dairy, but I just can't stand

370
00:19:11,351 --> 00:19:13,953
the thought of putting all
those cows out of work.

371
00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:15,388
And all of a sudden,

372
00:19:15,388 --> 00:19:17,224
they can't afford all that leather

373
00:19:17,224 --> 00:19:18,925
they love to swan around in so much.

374
00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:24,431
So, you know, one day

375
00:19:24,431 --> 00:19:26,699
I'm having my night oats

376
00:19:26,699 --> 00:19:28,668
and I'm pouring

377
00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:31,170
my oat milk on my oats
and I'm looking down at the pot

378
00:19:31,271 --> 00:19:32,772
and I think
there's actually something

379
00:19:32,872 --> 00:19:33,773
pretty...

380
00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:37,310
fucked up about
what's going on down here

381
00:19:38,211 --> 00:19:40,580
coveringthese little oats in
their own blood.

382
00:19:40,580 --> 00:19:42,649
No one asked for that.

383
00:19:43,216 --> 00:19:45,785
So, now I'm off oats.

384
00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:48,888
I had to draw up
a whole new eating regimen.

385
00:19:50,823 --> 00:19:53,226
It's an alphabetized regimen.

386
00:19:53,626 --> 00:19:56,128
It's called
the a-to-z of healthy eating.

387
00:19:56,763 --> 00:19:59,232
And that was the cause
of some controversy

388
00:19:59,232 --> 00:20:01,434
in my house to make it an
alphabetized list,

389
00:20:01,434 --> 00:20:04,504
because some people think lists
should be bulleted or numbered.

390
00:20:04,504 --> 00:20:06,706
Like, what do you like better,

391
00:20:06,706 --> 00:20:09,141
numbers or letters?

392
00:20:09,842 --> 00:20:11,177
Probably letters.♪

393
00:20:11,511 --> 00:20:13,513
- Letters.
- What do you like
letters so much for?

394
00:20:13,513 --> 00:20:17,617
Perhapswould you like to marry
a letter?

395
00:20:17,617 --> 00:20:20,052
I got your arse!

396
00:20:28,461 --> 00:20:30,162
No, I like letters, too.

397
00:20:30,263 --> 00:20:32,164
And that's nothing against,

398
00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:35,368
that's nothing against numbers.
Numbers are good.

399
00:20:35,468 --> 00:20:39,205
In fact, I look at letters,
I think of letters as the

400
00:20:39,306 --> 00:20:43,310
the numbers of words.

401
00:20:45,044 --> 00:20:46,346
Anyway, I drew up this list

402
00:20:46,346 --> 00:20:49,148
is it's the a-to-z of healthy eating.

403
00:20:49,148 --> 00:20:50,583
And I'm going to I'm going to

404
00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:52,985
I'll read it out for you.

405
00:20:59,459 --> 00:21:02,562
Yeah.
So I bought a bum bag today

406
00:21:03,195 --> 00:21:07,033
just to try and blend in.

407
00:21:07,166 --> 00:21:10,737
And what I've discovered is
there's two main wearing techniques

408
00:21:10,737 --> 00:21:12,271
for the bum bag.

409
00:21:12,372 --> 00:21:15,408
Now if you wear
your bum bag like this,

410
00:21:15,408 --> 00:21:18,478
this means I have
drugs for everybody.

411
00:21:23,215 --> 00:21:25,051
If you wear your bum bag
like this, this means

412
00:21:25,051 --> 00:21:26,686
I have drugs just for me.

413
00:21:42,602 --> 00:21:44,471
You got to imagine

414
00:21:45,538 --> 00:21:47,540
they don't have a camera on that.

415
00:21:48,941 --> 00:21:50,810
A pretty good throw.

416
00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:57,049
And if they do have a camera on that,

417
00:21:58,217 --> 00:22:00,219
pretty cool cutaway.

418
00:22:06,593 --> 00:22:08,761
So now I will read it for you.

419
00:22:08,761 --> 00:22:11,197
It's the A-Z of healthy eating,
and you'll never guess

420
00:22:11,197 --> 00:22:12,899
where it starts.

421
00:22:17,704 --> 00:22:19,872
A, Yeah, believe in yourself, man.

422
00:22:22,308 --> 00:22:27,313
So A is for avocado, a superfood,

423
00:22:27,313 --> 00:22:30,016
and a super food.

424
00:22:32,018 --> 00:22:34,186
Yeah. So...
So I should probably tell you,

425
00:22:34,286 --> 00:22:37,524
it's an earnest list.

426
00:22:38,591 --> 00:22:42,328
25 to go
if we have any number heads in.

427
00:22:44,631 --> 00:22:47,767
B, now B is for Brussel sprouts.

428
00:22:48,401 --> 00:22:50,903
Talk about the comeback
story of the decade.

429
00:22:51,404 --> 00:22:53,640
Remember you're a boy,
and you think Brussel sprouts?

430
00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:55,675
Bleh. Yuck, no way.

431
00:22:55,675 --> 00:22:59,746
But now as an adult, you pay
like $15 for six Brussels sprouts

432
00:22:59,846 --> 00:23:03,450
at something called a gastropub
I don't know what happened.

433
00:23:04,283 --> 00:23:07,620
And people say it's the economy
that people say it's inflation.

434
00:23:07,620 --> 00:23:10,056
But we made up
the whole idea of money.

435
00:23:10,457 --> 00:23:13,893
So if you just put the value of
the number back down,

436
00:23:14,661 --> 00:23:16,128
you've solved
the problem.

437
00:23:20,533 --> 00:23:22,702
C is for corn.

438
00:23:22,702 --> 00:23:25,472
Now, look, I do not know why
we continue to eat corn

439
00:23:25,472 --> 00:23:27,974
in spite of the overwhelming
body of evidence

440
00:23:28,074 --> 00:23:30,577
that we cannot digest this stuff.

441
00:23:31,744 --> 00:23:35,047
Yet, you know, corn has bigger
plans of being eaten by a person

442
00:23:35,147 --> 00:23:37,550
when you look
down at corn in the toilet

443
00:23:37,550 --> 00:23:39,251
and corn looks square back you like,

444
00:23:39,351 --> 00:23:41,621
"Yeah, OK.
What else you got, huh?"

445
00:23:43,089 --> 00:23:45,525
"Don't you dare push that button,

446
00:23:45,625 --> 00:23:48,695
me nuts and peas
have got big plans..."

447
00:23:52,231 --> 00:23:54,166
D is for dried apricot.

448
00:23:54,266 --> 00:23:56,268
A lot of my apricot heads
got pretty upset

449
00:23:56,268 --> 00:23:57,804
they didn't get the nod over avocado,

450
00:23:57,904 --> 00:23:59,972
so I pop them in on a technicality,

451
00:24:00,372 --> 00:24:02,542
you're welcome.

452
00:24:02,542 --> 00:24:06,713
You got to look after your
apricot heads, them boys is crazy.

453
00:24:08,715 --> 00:24:11,618
E is for egg.

454
00:24:11,618 --> 00:24:14,286
Yum, a lovely source
of high-quality protein,

455
00:24:14,286 --> 00:24:16,122
have a lovely egg...

456
00:24:18,925 --> 00:24:21,460
F is for fried eggs.

457
00:24:21,460 --> 00:24:22,795
Fry that egg!

458
00:24:27,166 --> 00:24:30,537
G is for guava, whoa, guava.

459
00:24:30,537 --> 00:24:32,539
Lovely fruit to eat.

460
00:24:32,539 --> 00:24:34,607
Lovely word to say.

461
00:24:35,608 --> 00:24:37,844
Pretty good words

462
00:24:37,844 --> 00:24:39,478
to play in scrabble.

463
00:24:39,579 --> 00:24:41,614
You know, assuming you've got
the letters.

464
00:24:45,417 --> 00:24:48,087
I say that.
But looking at it now,

465
00:24:48,087 --> 00:24:49,789
it's only it's got three vowels.

466
00:24:49,889 --> 00:24:51,090
So you're going to need to land

467
00:24:51,090 --> 00:24:54,260
one of those consonants on like
a double or triple letter.

468
00:24:54,260 --> 00:24:56,829
And even then, you know, just like

469
00:24:56,929 --> 00:24:59,031
what's V in Scrabble?

470
00:24:59,131 --> 00:25:02,301
Five, four, OK,

471
00:25:03,002 --> 00:25:05,137
either way it seems low.

472
00:25:06,505 --> 00:25:07,840
4, 5 for a V,

473
00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:09,676
it's a pretty unlikely letter,

474
00:25:09,676 --> 00:25:12,178
you know, like who are your
top dogs in Scrabble?

475
00:25:12,278 --> 00:25:13,445
On ten, what do you got?

476
00:25:13,445 --> 00:25:15,915
You got Z and Q
and that seems about right

477
00:25:15,915 --> 00:25:17,116
for Z and Q.

478
00:25:17,116 --> 00:25:18,417
And then you drop down to eight

479
00:25:18,517 --> 00:25:20,019
and you got X and

480
00:25:20,987 --> 00:25:25,625
you would hate to be the person
who tells X it only got eight.

481
00:25:26,325 --> 00:25:29,428
What do you mean?
Who got ten? Z and Q?

482
00:25:29,528 --> 00:25:31,230
I was it like,
is either of those guys?

483
00:25:31,230 --> 00:25:33,065
What are you talking about?

484
00:25:33,165 --> 00:25:34,500
I am ten.

485
00:25:34,601 --> 00:25:35,702
I'm ten.

486
00:25:35,802 --> 00:25:38,137
You talk to one Roman,
and I'm fucking ten!

487
00:25:42,508 --> 00:25:45,344
Who else got 8?
You tell me... J!?

488
00:25:50,382 --> 00:25:52,151
But 8 is about right for J.

489
00:25:52,151 --> 00:25:54,921
Because J is like that friend
you like.

490
00:25:54,921 --> 00:25:56,723
Yeah, I had lunch with
J a couple of months ago.

491
00:25:56,723 --> 00:25:58,057
J is doing really well.

492
00:25:58,157 --> 00:25:59,258
And then you think about it long

493
00:25:59,358 --> 00:26:01,160
and actually

494
00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:03,562
I don't think I've
seen J for three years.

495
00:26:06,432 --> 00:26:08,668
J's only at
the start of someone's name.

496
00:26:08,668 --> 00:26:10,136
It's never mucking around

497
00:26:10,136 --> 00:26:12,138
in the middle of a word.

498
00:26:16,542 --> 00:26:19,545
H, now h is for hard boiled egg.

499
00:26:19,545 --> 00:26:21,848
Put that egg in water.

500
00:26:21,948 --> 00:26:24,050
You get that yolk
nice and taut.

501
00:26:26,452 --> 00:26:27,654
I is for ice cream.

502
00:26:27,754 --> 00:26:29,488
You've been doing so well so
far. Have a treat.

503
00:26:29,588 --> 00:26:31,858
Have a little bit of ice cream.

504
00:26:32,024 --> 00:26:33,459
J is for je==

505
00:26:33,459 --> 00:26:36,328
it says jelly on a plate.

506
00:26:37,296 --> 00:26:38,497
Jelly on a plate.

507
00:26:41,333 --> 00:26:43,035
Jelly on a plate.

508
00:26:45,772 --> 00:26:48,775
K is for Special K.

509
00:26:49,175 --> 00:26:51,377
I love it. Special K is like
what if we made a

510
00:26:51,377 --> 00:26:53,345
cereal,
but for woman?

511
00:26:54,446 --> 00:26:56,816
And hey, you've earned it
ladies, by my count,

512
00:26:56,816 --> 00:27:00,086
now you've got Special K
and Sultana Bran - lucky!

513
00:27:02,221 --> 00:27:03,089
I think it's about time

514
00:27:03,222 --> 00:27:05,524
you got a fun one,
but it's not up to me and

515
00:27:06,058 --> 00:27:08,861
and the ladies love fibre.

516
00:27:09,662 --> 00:27:10,763
Actually, yeah you can't say that.

517
00:27:10,763 --> 00:27:13,332
I mean you cannot
say anything nowadays.

518
00:27:18,871 --> 00:27:22,174
L is for lemon.

519
00:27:22,742 --> 00:27:25,377
And in parentheses it says garnish.

520
00:27:25,712 --> 00:27:26,612
So that's for me.

521
00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:30,516
You know it's not a main

522
00:27:32,084 --> 00:27:33,419
you got people coming over,

523
00:27:33,419 --> 00:27:35,554
you know, if you just, it's not important.

524
00:27:36,088 --> 00:27:38,925
And M is for mmm-mmm...

525
00:27:39,391 --> 00:27:42,361
maybe it's time for another
egg?

526
00:27:46,799 --> 00:27:49,535
And N is for no, no thank you,

527
00:27:49,535 --> 00:27:51,637
no, I've just had three eggs.

528
00:27:55,942 --> 00:27:58,077
O is for, oh, OK...

529
00:27:58,177 --> 00:28:00,246
Oh, no, I will actually,
you've twisted my arm.

530
00:28:00,246 --> 00:28:02,481
I'll have one more egg.

531
00:28:06,986 --> 00:28:08,320
P is for...

532
00:28:08,554 --> 00:28:09,588
Poached egg?

533
00:28:10,022 --> 00:28:11,457
Poached egg?

534
00:28:12,825 --> 00:28:13,793
I think you find eggs

535
00:28:13,793 --> 00:28:16,462
have been given
a pretty fair run so far mate.

536
00:28:17,696 --> 00:28:20,032
P is for pear.
It's like a fancy apple.

537
00:28:22,268 --> 00:28:24,603
Q is for quiche, you know
you'll make yourself sick

538
00:28:24,603 --> 00:28:26,839
if you have too many eggs.

539
00:28:31,177 --> 00:28:32,311
R is for rice

540
00:28:32,544 --> 00:28:34,113
and that is legitimately good.

541
00:28:34,113 --> 00:28:37,683
Yeah, that stuff's so cheap
it's recession proof.

542
00:28:38,985 --> 00:28:40,887
S is for soft boiled egg.

543
00:28:40,887 --> 00:28:43,923
Now, why should hard boiled
eggs have all the fun, hey?

544
00:28:43,923 --> 00:28:46,525
Let their yolk run, baby.

545
00:28:46,826 --> 00:28:48,160
Let's see what it can do.

546
00:28:50,763 --> 00:28:52,464
T is for tomatoes.

547
00:28:52,564 --> 00:28:55,001
My favourite vegetable.

548
00:28:56,869 --> 00:29:00,139
That's what I thought.
You keep your mouths shut.

549
00:29:01,673 --> 00:29:05,177
Goddamn tomato-truthers walking
around with your one life,

550
00:29:05,644 --> 00:29:08,514
telling anyone
who'll listen it's a fruit.

551
00:29:08,714 --> 00:29:11,050
It's regressive,
what you're doing.

552
00:29:14,153 --> 00:29:16,055
U is for unsalted nuts.

553
00:29:16,155 --> 00:29:18,090
Now a handful of nuts
every day, that's so good,

554
00:29:18,190 --> 00:29:20,426
it's got lots of oils apparently,

555
00:29:21,627 --> 00:29:24,563
but a handful of salt will get
you, It makes...

556
00:29:24,663 --> 00:29:27,633
I think it makes your kidneys hard,

557
00:29:27,633 --> 00:29:30,102
and you don't want them hard.

558
00:29:31,670 --> 00:29:33,739
- Yeah.
- But also you don't want
them soft.

559
00:29:33,739 --> 00:29:35,307
You want them um,

560
00:29:36,575 --> 00:29:37,910
neutral.

561
00:29:40,012 --> 00:29:42,815
V is for vegetables,
like my favourite.

562
00:29:42,915 --> 00:29:44,884
The tomato.

563
00:29:46,352 --> 00:29:48,287
That's what I thought.

564
00:29:48,387 --> 00:29:49,956
W is for water.

565
00:29:49,956 --> 00:29:52,224
It's not a food,
but undeniably a drink.

566
00:29:55,494 --> 00:29:57,563
X is for x.

567
00:29:58,264 --> 00:30:00,499
It's a hard letter!

568
00:30:02,468 --> 00:30:05,171
Y Is for "why not have another
egg!"

569
00:30:07,006 --> 00:30:08,540
And Z...

570
00:30:08,941 --> 00:30:10,910
I don't remember writing that...

571
00:30:10,910 --> 00:30:13,612
It says Z is for Zodiac

572
00:30:15,214 --> 00:30:18,384
is an Eddie McGuire,
is the Zodiac killer.

573
00:30:23,022 --> 00:30:24,523
Allegedly.

574
00:30:25,925 --> 00:30:28,094
I've been told.
I have to say allegedly

575
00:30:28,194 --> 00:30:32,164
in case Eddie sees the show and
he tries to get me for libel.

576
00:30:33,432 --> 00:30:35,367
You're not going to
get me that way Eddie.

577
00:30:41,507 --> 00:30:44,510
You'll have to get me
how you got everyone else.

578
00:30:51,417 --> 00:30:54,253
Because I'm a killer at small
talk. I'm so good.

579
00:30:55,387 --> 00:30:59,091
I never had a bad conversation
that was my fault.

580
00:31:02,594 --> 00:31:03,795
It's always someone else.

581
00:31:03,896 --> 00:31:08,300
In every conversation, I'm
thinking, oh, man, I'm gold.

582
00:31:09,701 --> 00:31:12,604
I would kill to run into me.

583
00:31:13,139 --> 00:31:16,542
The only problem I've noticed
seems to lie with everyone else.

584
00:31:16,642 --> 00:31:17,643
And it's a funny thing

585
00:31:17,643 --> 00:31:18,978
because even like, after a show,

586
00:31:18,978 --> 00:31:21,447
sometimes people will come up
and they'll try and chat to me,

587
00:31:21,447 --> 00:31:22,681
and it's a lovely idea,

588
00:31:22,781 --> 00:31:24,516
but I always think, that's
confident.

589
00:31:26,518 --> 00:31:28,620
Because obviously, I've already
said all of my best stuff.

590
00:31:28,620 --> 00:31:31,457
And that's
a tough act for me to follow,

591
00:31:32,791 --> 00:31:35,094
let alone some fucking punter.

592
00:31:39,932 --> 00:31:43,435
But I'm 33 now,
and that's the perfect age.

593
00:31:45,137 --> 00:31:47,439
I was surprised as
you were when I found out.

594
00:31:48,474 --> 00:31:50,442
And you know,
I'm embarrassed to say this,

595
00:31:50,442 --> 00:31:51,810
but there was a full year recently

596
00:31:51,810 --> 00:31:53,845
where I thought
32 is the perfect age,

597
00:31:53,845 --> 00:31:58,817
but I find... so it changes
annually, almost like clockwork.

598
00:31:59,285 --> 00:32:02,788
But what I've noticed is
it makes my sort of friends

599
00:32:02,888 --> 00:32:04,390
and family, my nearest and dearest,

600
00:32:04,390 --> 00:32:06,825
is a conversational divide occurring

601
00:32:06,925 --> 00:32:08,027
where you got
some people who are like

602
00:32:08,127 --> 00:32:09,728
me, we're living our lives

603
00:32:09,728 --> 00:32:12,231
trying to be interested and
interesting, try to generate

604
00:32:12,231 --> 00:32:13,565
sort of touchstones,

605
00:32:13,565 --> 00:32:15,201
things that everyone can
access and relate to.

606
00:32:15,201 --> 00:32:16,402
And then you've got some other people

607
00:32:16,402 --> 00:32:18,537
who are also 33
and they're thinking, well,

608
00:32:19,405 --> 00:32:21,073
I gave it a pretty
good nudge to generate

609
00:32:21,073 --> 00:32:22,408
an interesting life for myself.

610
00:32:22,408 --> 00:32:25,044
But unfortunately
things haven't broken that way.

611
00:32:25,044 --> 00:32:28,180
So instead, I'm actually... I'm
working on a collaboration project

612
00:32:28,280 --> 00:32:30,749
with another person now
and what we're going to do,

613
00:32:30,749 --> 00:32:34,086
we're going to create a third
person and they're

614
00:32:34,086 --> 00:32:36,488
basically going to represent
our ability to be interesting

615
00:32:36,488 --> 00:32:38,057
from here forth.

616
00:32:41,227 --> 00:32:43,562
So I'm talking about
people like me, you know,

617
00:32:43,562 --> 00:32:46,165
and then.. and parents.

618
00:32:46,632 --> 00:32:49,235
And there very well may be
some parents in the room

619
00:32:49,235 --> 00:32:51,203
and I just want to be upfront here.

620
00:32:51,203 --> 00:32:54,673
It is not my
intention to, to be rude.

621
00:32:55,207 --> 00:32:57,243
It's not, it's actually just my,

622
00:32:57,243 --> 00:33:00,546
my, my intention is just to say
my little jokes

623
00:33:02,114 --> 00:33:05,251
and it's an interesting thing
because I don't doubt that

624
00:33:05,351 --> 00:33:07,886
to become a parent,
to make that decision,

625
00:33:08,054 --> 00:33:10,256
to create something that's half
you and half someone else

626
00:33:10,356 --> 00:33:12,991
and to raise them
from infancy to a baby

627
00:33:12,991 --> 00:33:14,293
to a toddler to a child

628
00:33:14,393 --> 00:33:16,528
to a teenager to a full-blown
adult,

629
00:33:16,728 --> 00:33:18,497
and to imbue them with all of your

630
00:33:18,497 --> 00:33:20,366
everything
that makes you who you are,

631
00:33:20,466 --> 00:33:22,334
and then watch
them grow into something

632
00:33:22,434 --> 00:33:24,336
which is half of you,
but also totally independent.

633
00:33:24,336 --> 00:33:27,339
I don't doubt that to do that
is probably the single most

634
00:33:27,339 --> 00:33:30,542
rewarding experience
that we can have in our lives.

635
00:33:30,542 --> 00:33:33,011
But the thing for me is to assume

636
00:33:33,112 --> 00:33:35,981
that is of
interest to anyone else,

637
00:33:36,715 --> 00:33:39,818
it's an affront to common decency.

638
00:33:41,553 --> 00:33:42,888
We get it...
You did it.

639
00:33:42,988 --> 00:33:45,491
We could talk about
literally anything else,

640
00:33:49,027 --> 00:33:50,562
and it's interesting,
as a straight person

641
00:33:50,662 --> 00:33:53,332
I think, our factory settings,
like what...

642
00:33:53,665 --> 00:33:55,033
what you get when
you turn on the computer

643
00:33:55,033 --> 00:33:57,069
for a straight person,
when the computer gets

644
00:33:57,069 --> 00:33:58,337
booted up on the factory settings,

645
00:33:58,337 --> 00:34:00,472
it's basically, got find a partner,

646
00:34:00,806 --> 00:34:02,908
settle down, have a child.

647
00:34:02,908 --> 00:34:04,710
And what happens in life is
you got a lot of people

648
00:34:04,810 --> 00:34:07,379
who are moving through life
with the factory settings
turned on

649
00:34:07,379 --> 00:34:08,780
and they're looking around
and they're noticing.

650
00:34:08,780 --> 00:34:10,249
Other people
have also got the factory

651
00:34:10,249 --> 00:34:12,684
settings on and they give
each other sort of thumbs

652
00:34:12,684 --> 00:34:16,054
up through exhaustively gritted
teeth going "it's pretty good".

653
00:34:16,422 --> 00:34:17,489
But that,

654
00:34:18,190 --> 00:34:19,291
that's not enough.

655
00:34:19,525 --> 00:34:21,527
And what will happen is these
people will start looking around

656
00:34:21,527 --> 00:34:23,595
to notice other people
who might be the same age,

657
00:34:23,695 --> 00:34:25,531
but on a slightly different timeline,

658
00:34:25,531 --> 00:34:27,733
and they'll start
investigating their lot

659
00:34:27,733 --> 00:34:29,401
you know, because what happens
when you have a child is

660
00:34:29,501 --> 00:34:32,171
it also comes with this
tremendous sense of entitlement

661
00:34:32,171 --> 00:34:34,606
to ask other people around you
whether they're going to copy

662
00:34:34,606 --> 00:34:37,276
the perfect decisions you've
made for your life.

663
00:34:37,409 --> 00:34:40,112
And it comes from
a place of deep security

664
00:34:44,082 --> 00:34:46,252
And so they'll look around and
notice people who are doing something

665
00:34:46,252 --> 00:34:48,154
slightly different, and they'll
go, "Hey, what's going on over
here?"

666
00:34:48,254 --> 00:34:52,591
"Are you having a bit of
trouble with the factory
settings?"

667
00:34:53,091 --> 00:34:54,693
No, I just heard you could, um...

668
00:34:54,693 --> 00:34:57,896
change some of the settings
on the computer.

669
00:34:58,029 --> 00:34:59,998
And they go
"You wouldn't want to do that.ö

670
00:35:00,732 --> 00:35:05,070
"No, they put them in like that
at the factory for a reason."

671
00:35:05,070 --> 00:35:07,739
"Then you should do it. I mean,
you should definitely do it.

672
00:35:07,839 --> 00:35:09,208
You'd love it."
"Yeah. Yeah.

673
00:35:09,208 --> 00:35:10,342
I don't know if it's me."

674
00:35:10,442 --> 00:35:13,379
"You should do it.
You've got to do it."

675
00:35:13,479 --> 00:35:16,081
"Yeah.
I don't think I have to do it."

676
00:35:16,081 --> 00:35:18,417
"You do. You got it.
You got it. You got it.

677
00:35:18,517 --> 00:35:20,352
You, you, you...

678
00:35:20,352 --> 00:35:22,421
you have to do it
because I've already done it.

679
00:35:22,521 --> 00:35:24,723
So I'm really set on this
trajectory right now.

680
00:35:24,923 --> 00:35:26,958
And you not doing
it is actually giving me a

681
00:35:26,958 --> 00:35:28,427
massive anxiety."

682
00:35:31,363 --> 00:35:33,965
And then they start trying to
coerce you, they'll tell you

683
00:35:33,965 --> 00:35:36,202
any reason you provide for why
it might not be for you,

684
00:35:36,202 --> 00:35:37,102
they'll counter.

685
00:35:37,769 --> 00:35:40,272
You know, if you say I want to
do it because I think the
world's on fire.

686
00:35:40,272 --> 00:35:41,507
They go, "Well, you don't know.

687
00:35:41,607 --> 00:35:43,509
You know, you could be starving
the world of a solution.

688
00:35:43,609 --> 00:35:46,912
Your child could be
the next Greta Thunberg."

689
00:35:47,078 --> 00:35:49,381
And you think, oh,

690
00:35:49,481 --> 00:35:51,983
oh, oh no...

691
00:35:53,485 --> 00:35:54,686
it's pretty unlikely.

692
00:35:54,686 --> 00:35:57,223
I mean, yeah,
I'm not Swedish for a start.

693
00:35:59,625 --> 00:36:02,894
I've not even met Mrs Thunberg.

694
00:36:04,830 --> 00:36:06,498
And so long as
we're talking Thunberg,

695
00:36:06,498 --> 00:36:11,069
I just quickly want to say we
have got to take it easy on Greta.

696
00:36:11,069 --> 00:36:14,373
What I have noticed is that one
teenager in Scandinavia

697
00:36:14,473 --> 00:36:18,744
put their hand up and said,
"Whoa, climate change is so
intense."

698
00:36:19,445 --> 00:36:20,946
and everyone in the world went,

699
00:36:20,946 --> 00:36:25,217
"Oh my gosh, are you going to
take that?

700
00:36:26,618 --> 00:36:28,854
That is such a relief.

701
00:36:32,691 --> 00:36:35,394
Because we have been worried
sick, thank you.

702
00:36:36,395 --> 00:36:37,829
I'm just going to go over here
and not change

703
00:36:37,829 --> 00:36:39,164
anything about my lifestyle.

704
00:36:39,265 --> 00:36:41,300
Watch you hopefully
catch a plane somewhere

705
00:36:41,300 --> 00:36:43,535
at some point so I can
cyberbully you for being a hypocrite.

706
00:36:43,635 --> 00:36:45,537
You piece of shit."

707
00:36:48,173 --> 00:36:51,176
And they don't get you by
coercing you into having a child.

708
00:36:51,176 --> 00:36:53,779
They'll start championing the
prospects of their own progeny.

709
00:36:53,779 --> 00:36:55,947
They will not saying things
like, "Well, we're so excited

710
00:36:55,947 --> 00:36:57,215
for our little guy.

711
00:36:57,316 --> 00:36:58,450
Anything's possible for him.

712
00:36:58,550 --> 00:37:00,586
Could be a scientist,
could be an astronaut,

713
00:37:00,586 --> 00:37:03,088
could be an athlete,
could find a cure for cancer."

714
00:37:03,289 --> 00:37:04,956
And obviously I understand that.

715
00:37:05,056 --> 00:37:06,925
Yes, as a parent,
you have to believe that

716
00:37:06,925 --> 00:37:09,595
blue sky thinking,
anything is possible.

717
00:37:09,861 --> 00:37:10,996
But at the same time,

718
00:37:11,096 --> 00:37:12,998
let's not be afraid to slow down

719
00:37:13,098 --> 00:37:14,533
and look at some of the raw data

720
00:37:18,169 --> 00:37:21,640
because you work in real estate...

721
00:37:22,974 --> 00:37:25,277
and your partner works in marketing.

722
00:37:25,377 --> 00:37:29,615
So there's really nothing to
suggest between your shared DNA

723
00:37:29,615 --> 00:37:32,618
that this little hero you've
given birth to is going to be anything

724
00:37:32,618 --> 00:37:34,853
except a massive drain...

725
00:37:37,489 --> 00:37:40,125
on the already limited
resources we're working with.

726
00:37:40,859 --> 00:37:42,461
But I mean, you can't say that.

727
00:37:42,461 --> 00:37:44,963
You cannot say anything nowadays.

728
00:37:47,232 --> 00:37:49,901
And I don't want to come out
here and rag on all parenting.

729
00:37:49,901 --> 00:37:52,671
I think there are some noble
forms of parenting,

730
00:37:52,771 --> 00:37:54,340
step parenting, for example.

731
00:37:54,340 --> 00:37:56,975
I think that's an incredibly
noble form of parenting.

732
00:37:56,975 --> 00:38:00,846
And I say that because that's
the kind of parenting I do,

733
00:38:02,314 --> 00:38:04,450
and I actually don't have
a wealth of material about it.

734
00:38:04,450 --> 00:38:07,686
But if I did, you've got to imagine

735
00:38:07,953 --> 00:38:10,422
they'd tuck pretty neatly into
this part of the show.

736
00:38:15,761 --> 00:38:19,698
What happened was I was living,
for a minute there.

737
00:38:19,798 --> 00:38:22,368
I was living in New York City
to pursue my dream

738
00:38:22,368 --> 00:38:26,004
of spending everything I'd
saved.

739
00:38:26,738 --> 00:38:29,475
and occasionally I would return
home to New Zealand

740
00:38:29,475 --> 00:38:35,681
to withdraw some of the very
valuable NZD and take it back
to America,

741
00:38:36,382 --> 00:38:39,985
To take advantage of the
favourable exchange rate.

742
00:38:40,819 --> 00:38:43,589
And a lot of these trips, I was
home for about six weeks,

743
00:38:43,689 --> 00:38:47,025
and I met this incredibly
funny, beautiful, intelligent,

744
00:38:47,125 --> 00:38:50,228
this is the coolest person
ever called Chelsea.

745
00:38:50,328 --> 00:38:52,831
And it just so happened
that Chelsea was also a mother.

746
00:38:53,365 --> 00:38:56,968
And so we had about five
or six weeks together

747
00:38:56,968 --> 00:38:58,604
and we thought, wow, you know,

748
00:38:58,604 --> 00:39:00,639
obviously due to the
impossibility of circumstance,

749
00:39:00,639 --> 00:39:01,907
this doesn't have a future.

750
00:39:02,007 --> 00:39:03,909
So what we'll do,
what we're hanging out

751
00:39:03,909 --> 00:39:05,777
is we will let our guard down.

752
00:39:11,182 --> 00:39:13,985
And as it happens that's a
perfect way to fall in love.

753
00:39:14,820 --> 00:39:16,655
And we did. So I went
back to New York,

754
00:39:16,755 --> 00:39:19,691
and we did about two years
of long distance,

755
00:39:19,791 --> 00:39:20,992
until we realized that if we
want to make a real fist of this,

756
00:39:20,992 --> 00:39:22,794
I'm going to have to come home,

757
00:39:22,794 --> 00:39:26,031
We're going to have to see how
we can operate as our vision of
a family.

758
00:39:26,031 --> 00:39:29,435
And so I did, in December 2019,

759
00:39:29,435 --> 00:39:32,203
I moved back from
New York to New Zealand,

760
00:39:32,303 --> 00:39:33,972
pretty good!

761
00:39:36,542 --> 00:39:38,243
Pretty good.
I got a tip off from a friend

762
00:39:38,343 --> 00:39:39,811
who worked in a laboratory in Wuhan,

763
00:39:39,911 --> 00:39:42,948
and he said "Go now!

764
00:39:42,948 --> 00:39:45,817
And if you've got any excess,
capital invest in Sourdough.

765
00:39:45,817 --> 00:39:46,952
Trust me."

766
00:39:48,854 --> 00:39:50,088
And so I did.

767
00:39:50,188 --> 00:39:51,723
And I knew what I was moving
home for.

768
00:39:51,823 --> 00:39:55,293
I was moving home to be a
partner and a parent

769
00:39:55,393 --> 00:39:58,530
and to explore
this new part of my life.

770
00:39:58,864 --> 00:40:01,433
But I think what happened is I
naively assumed that that would come

771
00:40:01,433 --> 00:40:04,269
with some liberties,
you know, like the ability

772
00:40:04,269 --> 00:40:07,272
to leave the house from time to time.

773
00:40:08,540 --> 00:40:09,475
And so I went from...

774
00:40:09,775 --> 00:40:12,010
I was moved from being on the
better side of a long distance

775
00:40:12,110 --> 00:40:14,345
relationship
with my best friend in New York

776
00:40:14,613 --> 00:40:16,948
to being locked
into a house with a family

777
00:40:17,215 --> 00:40:18,550
for two years.

778
00:40:18,550 --> 00:40:21,252
And it was
the most tremendous gearshift

779
00:40:21,787 --> 00:40:23,589
I can... I can imagine, you know,

780
00:40:23,589 --> 00:40:27,593
but at the end of it all, I got
to say, I really, I love it.

781
00:40:27,593 --> 00:40:29,194
It's been so great for
my relationship with Chelsea.

782
00:40:29,194 --> 00:40:31,630
My relationship with Oliver
feels so much closer.

783
00:40:31,630 --> 00:40:33,098
And in truth, I got to say, actually,

784
00:40:33,098 --> 00:40:35,634
that experience of
being a stepparent is probably

785
00:40:35,867 --> 00:40:41,372
the single most rewarding
experience I've had in my life.

786
00:40:41,473 --> 00:40:45,343
And I'd like to issue a
challenge for all of you tonight.

787
00:40:46,111 --> 00:40:48,179
When are you going
to become a step-parent?

788
00:40:49,447 --> 00:40:52,150
Go find some... someone whose,
you know

789
00:40:52,150 --> 00:40:55,453
their life didn't pan
out how they thought,

790
00:40:56,154 --> 00:40:58,256
and fucking swoop.

791
00:41:01,226 --> 00:41:04,496
But the thing of it is,
man, being a parent -

792
00:41:04,496 --> 00:41:09,968
the thing with children is,
I mean, these guys are crazy.

793
00:41:10,101 --> 00:41:12,437
One of their big
hobbies is to be awake.

794
00:41:15,440 --> 00:41:18,510
Every day they do it.
They love it so much.

795
00:41:19,077 --> 00:41:21,279
And what happens, is you're
doing your best

796
00:41:21,379 --> 00:41:22,881
and you get to the end of the day.

797
00:41:22,981 --> 00:41:25,350
And so as you get to the end
and you just lie down in bed

798
00:41:25,450 --> 00:41:28,253
and the period you get between
lying down in bed and falling asleep,

799
00:41:28,253 --> 00:41:31,523
that's what you get to yourself
and as you lie down, you think whoa,

800
00:41:31,523 --> 00:41:33,725
yes, I did it.

801
00:41:34,325 --> 00:41:36,595
Another one down.

802
00:41:36,795 --> 00:41:37,729
And then you catch yourself,

803
00:41:37,729 --> 00:41:39,998
and you think, another one
down?

804
00:41:40,098 --> 00:41:44,536
Why am I so happy to be one day
closer to a face full a soil?

805
00:41:48,774 --> 00:41:52,377
I'm going to cherish these
things. Yeah.

806
00:41:52,377 --> 00:41:53,912
So what do you do?

807
00:41:54,012 --> 00:41:56,414
Well, you see a therapist.

808
00:41:57,182 --> 00:41:59,450
And I did, first time in my life

809
00:41:59,450 --> 00:42:01,486
last year,
I started seeing a therapist.

810
00:42:01,486 --> 00:42:03,088
Now, I remember
before my first session,

811
00:42:03,088 --> 00:42:05,256
I was so nervous,
but I needn't have been.

812
00:42:05,356 --> 00:42:09,795
I remember to this day,
I absolutely smashed it.

813
00:42:12,197 --> 00:42:13,632
Before I could even leave the room,

814
00:42:13,632 --> 00:42:16,401
this dude was
begging to see me again.

815
00:42:17,703 --> 00:42:19,337
It was pathetic.

816
00:42:20,839 --> 00:42:22,207
I say I smashed it.

817
00:42:22,207 --> 00:42:23,742
To be truthful

818
00:42:23,842 --> 00:42:25,744
therapy is the only time
outside of stand-up comedy

819
00:42:25,844 --> 00:42:28,880
we have spoken uninterrupted
for such long passages,

820
00:42:28,880 --> 00:42:34,085
so I actually felt very
vulnerable and like I was
bombing for an hour.

821
00:42:34,786 --> 00:42:36,554
They were so good,
he was very encouraging.

822
00:42:36,554 --> 00:42:38,456
He sat there and he would nod
and he just kept

823
00:42:38,556 --> 00:42:40,325
saying if there was ever a
sound, you'd say, it's OK,

824
00:42:40,325 --> 00:42:41,259
you're doing great.

825
00:42:41,359 --> 00:42:42,227
You know, keep talking.

826
00:42:42,327 --> 00:42:43,595
It's a judgment-free zone.

827
00:42:43,595 --> 00:42:46,698
That mostly just made me
worry about his ethics.

828
00:42:47,065 --> 00:42:51,036
I thought, is this fucking guy
not listening to a word I'm
saying.

829
00:42:53,004 --> 00:42:56,341
But he was, and he was a great
guy, in the room is an
incredible guy.

830
00:42:56,441 --> 00:42:57,408
He was my therapist.

831
00:42:57,408 --> 00:42:59,177
But at the end of the day,

832
00:42:59,277 --> 00:43:01,312
he's just a regular guy again,

833
00:43:01,312 --> 00:43:03,514
who've I've armed with
all of my worst anecdotes.

834
00:43:03,514 --> 00:43:05,617
So this is, this is a dangerous guy.

835
00:43:07,285 --> 00:43:08,787
I've got to stay on his good side.

836
00:43:08,787 --> 00:43:10,155
And that wound up leading to

837
00:43:10,155 --> 00:43:12,858
some pretty
dishonest therapy sessions.

838
00:43:14,893 --> 00:43:17,228
I actually, I had to start
seeing a second therapist

839
00:43:17,228 --> 00:43:19,865
just to straighten the whole
thing out.

840
00:43:19,865 --> 00:43:21,900
And there was too much money,
so I stopped going.

841
00:43:21,900 --> 00:43:23,301
I'm fixed.

842
00:43:27,005 --> 00:43:29,340
But the main thing I took away
was I would say,

843
00:43:29,340 --> 00:43:32,043
you got to look after yourself
before you can look after others.

844
00:43:32,143 --> 00:43:32,978
If you're not looking after yourself,

845
00:43:33,111 --> 00:43:34,545
you can't look out at
the people around you.

846
00:43:34,545 --> 00:43:35,981
And I took that to heart.

847
00:43:35,981 --> 00:43:41,452
And the way that manifested for
me was I stopped watching the news.

848
00:43:42,754 --> 00:43:44,489
Because I was watching the news
for a while.

849
00:43:44,589 --> 00:43:46,992
And I'm aware not everyone
is to you know, some people

850
00:43:46,992 --> 00:43:49,094
you got to watch the news
because the news impacts you.

851
00:43:49,194 --> 00:43:50,696
I'm aware that's...

852
00:43:50,796 --> 00:43:52,130
To do that comes
from a position of priv--

853
00:43:52,230 --> 00:43:53,832
I mean, the whole show to be
fair, comes from

854
00:43:53,832 --> 00:43:56,067
a position of immense privilege.

855
00:43:56,067 --> 00:43:57,435
All the time, people are
saying, Guy,

856
00:43:57,435 --> 00:43:58,904
you go to your privilege.

857
00:43:58,904 --> 00:44:00,538
And I did.

858
00:44:01,572 --> 00:44:03,975
And it's sensational.

859
00:44:05,643 --> 00:44:07,779
You wouldn't
believe the set-up I got.

860
00:44:08,780 --> 00:44:12,017
All the bells, all the whistles...

861
00:44:15,286 --> 00:44:17,422
So I stopped watching the news.

862
00:44:17,422 --> 00:44:19,925
But I mean, have you
have you seen the news?

863
00:44:20,792 --> 00:44:21,960
Yeah. I mean, it's tough to miss.

864
00:44:22,060 --> 00:44:23,962
They make it every day.

865
00:44:24,996 --> 00:44:25,931
Same show,

866
00:44:25,931 --> 00:44:27,498
three channel is this crazy

867
00:44:27,498 --> 00:44:29,300
TV show set in a world where we
don't

868
00:44:29,300 --> 00:44:31,236
all have 24-hour access to current

869
00:44:31,336 --> 00:44:32,971
events on our telephones.

870
00:44:34,840 --> 00:44:37,008
And it's always
hosted by the same people.

871
00:44:37,008 --> 00:44:39,277
It's always hosted by a man

872
00:44:39,377 --> 00:44:42,647
and also a woman.

873
00:44:42,647 --> 00:44:44,249
And they come out in formal wear,

874
00:44:44,249 --> 00:44:45,683
and the man who he like,

875
00:44:45,683 --> 00:44:48,086
he likes to wear a suit.

876
00:44:48,086 --> 00:44:49,220
And the woman now

877
00:44:49,220 --> 00:44:51,122
she likes to wear something

878
00:44:51,222 --> 00:44:53,558
for which she will inevitably
be criticized.

879
00:44:54,893 --> 00:44:57,328
I don't know why
she always chooses that,

880
00:44:59,230 --> 00:45:01,432
if it was me,
I'd just put on something else.

881
00:45:03,034 --> 00:45:04,402
But they come out
in their formal wear,

882
00:45:04,402 --> 00:45:07,105
and they sit behind this big
desk and they're so stern.

883
00:45:07,205 --> 00:45:10,108
And they just tell you how
badly everything is going for
an hour.

884
00:45:10,208 --> 00:45:11,810
And I guess for
me, the thing is like,

885
00:45:11,810 --> 00:45:15,680
you do not need to be in formal
wear to deliver bad news.

886
00:45:15,680 --> 00:45:18,917
I've received bad news from a
friend in board shorts and a
t-shirt before.

887
00:45:18,917 --> 00:45:20,685
I wasn't sceptical.

888
00:45:21,753 --> 00:45:23,889
I didn't say "look Elliot, I
can see you're upset,

889
00:45:23,889 --> 00:45:25,757
but until you change out of
those wet clothes,

890
00:45:25,757 --> 00:45:29,761
I don't care
how many people drowned."

891
00:45:31,262 --> 00:45:33,965
"And for what it's worth,
with a bit of a PR spin here,

892
00:45:33,965 --> 00:45:36,367
we could turn what sounds like
a genuine maritime

893
00:45:36,367 --> 00:45:41,039
tragedy into a case of a good
captain who was just doing
their best."

894
00:45:47,545 --> 00:45:51,116
But they sit down, and they
start with the biggest, worst thing.

895
00:45:51,382 --> 00:45:54,585
They'll say, "You'll hate
this."

896
00:45:56,521 --> 00:45:59,124
and there's a sliding
scale of other bad things.

897
00:45:59,124 --> 00:46:00,425
And they've got other reporters

898
00:46:00,525 --> 00:46:02,994
they send out to
the location to check.

899
00:46:02,994 --> 00:46:05,430
And they'll go,
"Yep, I'm here it's awful."

900
00:46:07,265 --> 00:46:09,067
Yeah.
Thanks for checking.

901
00:46:09,067 --> 00:46:10,902
And on and on it goes

902
00:46:10,902 --> 00:46:13,371
for like 25, 30 minutes
until all of a sudden

903
00:46:13,471 --> 00:46:16,474
they get a little self-aware
that it might be reading too dire

904
00:46:16,908 --> 00:46:20,011
and so they sort of look at
each other and they go...

905
00:46:20,478 --> 00:46:23,014
"ah, ah, sports!"

906
00:46:23,214 --> 00:46:24,582
And then the camera pans

907
00:46:24,582 --> 00:46:26,284
across the room to the third person

908
00:46:26,384 --> 00:46:28,887
who's been in
the room the whole time,

909
00:46:30,388 --> 00:46:35,193
who is also in formal wear but
standing up to denote agility.

910
00:46:37,195 --> 00:46:39,164
And this is my
favourite part of the news.

911
00:46:39,264 --> 00:46:40,131
I love it so much.

912
00:46:40,231 --> 00:46:41,466
They get seven or 8 minutes

913
00:46:41,466 --> 00:46:43,268
and they mostly
just tell you about games

914
00:46:43,268 --> 00:46:44,535
that were designed for children

915
00:46:44,635 --> 00:46:46,972
that are played
by multi-millionaires.

916
00:46:48,306 --> 00:46:50,808
And really sometimes someone
from sports will make it

917
00:46:50,909 --> 00:46:52,577
into the very first bit of the news,

918
00:46:52,577 --> 00:46:55,213
but they've usually
had to do something...

919
00:46:55,713 --> 00:46:57,248
pretty bad

920
00:46:58,416 --> 00:46:59,284
for the upgrade.

921
00:46:59,450 --> 00:47:01,953
You know, usually, it's
some rugby league player

922
00:47:01,953 --> 00:47:04,555
from this very country, has
drunk a few too many bourbon
and colas,

923
00:47:04,655 --> 00:47:07,158
and pissed in their own mouth,
and coward punched

924
00:47:07,258 --> 00:47:10,328
nine teenagers in the air
outside a club on the Gold Coast,

925
00:47:11,863 --> 00:47:14,365
Sends a bunch of parents into a
moral spin.

926
00:47:14,365 --> 00:47:16,902
They go, "No, not him.

927
00:47:17,368 --> 00:47:19,837
He's a role model for our boy."

928
00:47:21,873 --> 00:47:27,012
We have got to stop conflating
hand-eye coordination with...

929
00:47:27,645 --> 00:47:30,315
Responsibility!

930
00:47:32,283 --> 00:47:34,953
I cannot think of a more
eloquent group of people

931
00:47:35,053 --> 00:47:36,521
to be role
models than athletes.

932
00:47:36,621 --> 00:47:38,023
Are you kidding me?

933
00:47:38,023 --> 00:47:40,358
Do you know how hard it is to
be a professional athlete?

934
00:47:40,458 --> 00:47:41,960
Do you know how
hard they have to work?

935
00:47:42,060 --> 00:47:44,295
Do you know how
many academic sacrifices

936
00:47:44,529 --> 00:47:46,364
they have to make

937
00:47:47,332 --> 00:47:48,733
from infancy to adulthood?

938
00:47:48,733 --> 00:47:50,335
All you're doing is concentrating

939
00:47:50,335 --> 00:47:53,138
on very specific forms
of hand-eye coordination

940
00:47:53,138 --> 00:47:57,408
and cardiovascular fitness
to an almost sociopathic level.

941
00:47:57,408 --> 00:47:59,377
And it's like it's
never occurred to any of us

942
00:47:59,377 --> 00:48:02,113
that this unique lifestyle
might come at the cost of, oh.

943
00:48:02,213 --> 00:48:03,181
I don't know.

944
00:48:03,381 --> 00:48:06,217
Rounding out some of the other
parts of your personality.

945
00:48:08,353 --> 00:48:11,389
What is a rugby league
players' career really,

946
00:48:11,489 --> 00:48:14,659
apart from getting concussed
and then pretending not to be concussed

947
00:48:14,759 --> 00:48:16,861
so they can
continue to play rugby league?

948
00:48:17,595 --> 00:48:20,231
But what we like to do is
take them out of uniform

949
00:48:20,231 --> 00:48:21,466
on a Wednesday, put them in

950
00:48:21,566 --> 00:48:24,202
some ill-fitting suit
from Oshkosh by gosh,

951
00:48:25,270 --> 00:48:28,906
then cuts off the blood
circulation to their brain,

952
00:48:29,007 --> 00:48:30,208
sit them down on the panel

953
00:48:30,208 --> 00:48:33,044
with three other ex-athletes
who all have PTSD

954
00:48:33,044 --> 00:48:37,082
because concussion was only
invented five years ago.

955
00:48:37,715 --> 00:48:40,952
Point six HD cameras on them on
primetime TV

956
00:48:40,952 --> 00:48:43,588
and just feed them, have some
roundtable, open source

957
00:48:43,688 --> 00:48:46,057
conversation about whatever
comes up

958
00:48:46,324 --> 00:48:48,259
and if one of them accidentally asks

959
00:48:48,359 --> 00:48:49,527
a challenging question, like,

960
00:48:49,527 --> 00:48:51,229
"What do you think about
woman?"

961
00:48:51,329 --> 00:48:53,064
And another one

962
00:48:53,164 --> 00:48:55,366
says literally
the most horrific thing

963
00:48:55,366 --> 00:48:57,502
you've heard in your life,

964
00:48:57,602 --> 00:49:00,238
we have the gall to act
surprised?

965
00:49:01,706 --> 00:49:03,674
It's not complicated.

966
00:49:03,674 --> 00:49:05,610
Just ask them about the sport.

967
00:49:05,710 --> 00:49:07,178
We don't know who these people are

968
00:49:07,178 --> 00:49:08,813
because of how they think.

969
00:49:08,913 --> 00:49:12,017
We know who they are
because they catch good.

970
00:49:13,618 --> 00:49:16,354
We've got to stop this
obsession with knowing everything

971
00:49:16,354 --> 00:49:18,589
celebrities think about everything.

972
00:49:18,823 --> 00:49:20,391
Athletes and celebrities

973
00:49:20,391 --> 00:49:25,530
are not intellectually equipped
for that level of scrutiny.

974
00:49:25,830 --> 00:49:26,831
And don't get me wrong,

975
00:49:26,831 --> 00:49:28,833
I like celebrity news.

976
00:49:28,833 --> 00:49:30,268
I remember when I was a boy,

977
00:49:30,268 --> 00:49:31,536
my favourite thing to do,

978
00:49:31,636 --> 00:49:33,904
I used to listen to a breakfast
radio show.

979
00:49:34,139 --> 00:49:36,141
It was called
The Edge Morning Madhouse,

980
00:49:36,141 --> 00:49:38,376
with Jase, JJ and Don.

981
00:49:38,476 --> 00:49:41,179
And if you wanted to have
a normal breakfast, I'm sorry,

982
00:49:41,379 --> 00:49:45,216
but you would have to listen
to a different radio show.

983
00:49:45,316 --> 00:49:49,187
Because these three were mad
and they employed my preferred

984
00:49:49,187 --> 00:49:52,357
radio dynamic of a show
hosted by two men

985
00:49:52,357 --> 00:49:54,192
and also a woman for balance.

986
00:49:56,261 --> 00:49:58,463
And I'm sorry, but
that's just how it's got to be,

987
00:49:58,463 --> 00:50:00,765
you cannot have a radio show
with two women.

988
00:50:00,865 --> 00:50:02,933
You can't.
They'd be in there prattling on

989
00:50:03,034 --> 00:50:06,904
about empathy or some other
unlistenable horseshit.

990
00:50:07,138 --> 00:50:09,707
What you need is a radio show
hosted by two men

991
00:50:09,707 --> 00:50:13,178
who have license to say
whatever the fuck they want.

992
00:50:13,178 --> 00:50:15,246
And then one woman who at the
end of every talk break

993
00:50:15,346 --> 00:50:19,284
goes "Ha-ha, you two are
terrible!"

994
00:50:20,418 --> 00:50:21,219
"Coming up next

995
00:50:21,219 --> 00:50:23,854
is Doja Cat!"

996
00:50:24,589 --> 00:50:26,691
That's what people want.

997
00:50:27,092 --> 00:50:30,695
But my favourite part of this
radio show was a part of the show

998
00:50:30,795 --> 00:50:31,896
every morning
would have it was called

999
00:50:31,996 --> 00:50:33,231
"JJ Feeney,

1000
00:50:33,231 --> 00:50:34,665
Scandal Queenie."

1001
00:50:34,665 --> 00:50:37,068
And at 8:15 in the morning,

1002
00:50:37,068 --> 00:50:39,804
they would say,
"JJ Feeney, Scandal Queenie,

1003
00:50:40,105 --> 00:50:42,207
what's going on in
the world of Hollywood?"

1004
00:50:42,307 --> 00:50:44,209
And JJ Feeney Scandal Queenie

1005
00:50:44,309 --> 00:50:45,743
would say,

1006
00:50:45,743 --> 00:50:47,578
"Well, you didn't hear this
from me."

1007
00:50:49,147 --> 00:50:50,181
And I was like nine.

1008
00:50:50,181 --> 00:50:53,351
I was sitting there eating my
cornflakes thinking

1009
00:50:53,351 --> 00:50:57,054
"JJ, if I get shaken down from
my sources on the playground later,

1010
00:50:58,089 --> 00:51:00,625
you leave me in a pretty
compromised position.

1011
00:51:00,891 --> 00:51:01,992
I don't have a credible alibi.

1012
00:51:02,260 --> 00:51:04,595
Hey, why don't you take some
fuckin responsibility for the muck

1013
00:51:04,695 --> 00:51:06,097
you're raking eh?"

1014
00:51:08,599 --> 00:51:10,935
Because you say, now,
you didn't hear this from me.

1015
00:51:10,935 --> 00:51:13,404
There was always just banal,
personal information

1016
00:51:13,404 --> 00:51:14,672
about these guys' lives.

1017
00:51:14,772 --> 00:51:16,441
It was always like,
"You didn't hear this from me,

1018
00:51:16,541 --> 00:51:18,809
but it looks like
it could be splitsville

1019
00:51:19,043 --> 00:51:21,379
for Brad Pitt and Jennifer
Aniston."

1020
00:51:21,879 --> 00:51:24,315
And I'll be sitting there
thinking, Oh, no,

1021
00:51:24,415 --> 00:51:26,817
not Brad and Jen,

1022
00:51:26,817 --> 00:51:28,253
they're the gold standard.

1023
00:51:28,253 --> 00:51:29,287
You know,

1024
00:51:29,754 --> 00:51:33,291
"It could be divorce for Tom
Cruise and Nicole Kidman."

1025
00:51:33,291 --> 00:51:35,092
I think, oh what!?

1026
00:51:36,494 --> 00:51:38,996
Is nothing sacred
in the world anymore?

1027
00:51:39,096 --> 00:51:40,565
What can I set my watch to?

1028
00:51:40,565 --> 00:51:41,932
And she'd say something like,

1029
00:51:41,932 --> 00:51:43,701
"...and it could be the end for Lisa

1030
00:51:43,701 --> 00:51:45,436
Marie Presley and Michael
Jackson."

1031
00:51:45,536 --> 00:51:47,972
And I'd think, well,
I damn well hope so.

1032
00:51:49,640 --> 00:51:52,910
Because I'm pretty sure
that guy's a paedophile.

1033
00:51:53,244 --> 00:51:55,246
I know.
I knew even back then,

1034
00:51:55,246 --> 00:51:58,583
I knew and I didn't tell anyone.

1035
00:51:59,217 --> 00:52:03,087
in many ways, making me as bad
as the man himself.

1036
00:52:04,822 --> 00:52:05,823
I didn't know.

1037
00:52:05,923 --> 00:52:07,057
And even if I did,

1038
00:52:07,158 --> 00:52:08,626
you know, I was nine,
who was I going to tell?

1039
00:52:08,726 --> 00:52:10,428
I didn't have a platform.

1040
00:52:14,565 --> 00:52:16,033
We got to stop this obsession

1041
00:52:16,033 --> 00:52:17,502
with wanting to know what they think.

1042
00:52:17,602 --> 00:52:20,305
I think historically there was
only one time when it was OK

1043
00:52:20,405 --> 00:52:22,207
to want to know
what celebrities thought,

1044
00:52:22,207 --> 00:52:24,008
and that was in ancient Greece

1045
00:52:24,008 --> 00:52:26,377
when the celebrities
were philosophers.

1046
00:52:27,077 --> 00:52:29,247
So the sole reason they were famous

1047
00:52:29,247 --> 00:52:30,715
was for thinking

1048
00:52:30,715 --> 00:52:31,849
and in that instance,

1049
00:52:31,849 --> 00:52:34,519
I think it's permissible
to ask a celebrity

1050
00:52:34,752 --> 00:52:36,354
what they think.

1051
00:52:36,354 --> 00:52:39,357
And these guys that were having
some pretty big thoughts,

1052
00:52:39,357 --> 00:52:42,527
some of the thoughts that were
having, we're still using today.

1053
00:52:42,760 --> 00:52:44,229
But, you know, there's a saying

1054
00:52:45,463 --> 00:52:47,265
everything in moderation.

1055
00:52:47,365 --> 00:52:48,566
So that stems from a

1056
00:52:48,566 --> 00:52:50,067
saying from a Greek poet

1057
00:52:50,167 --> 00:52:51,402
and philosopher called Hestia.

1058
00:52:51,402 --> 00:52:53,438
He's in it in 700 B.C.

1059
00:52:53,438 --> 00:52:55,540
The saying was observed you measure

1060
00:52:55,806 --> 00:52:57,808
moderation is best in all things.

1061
00:52:57,808 --> 00:53:00,445
And that is an incredibly
prescient thing to say.

1062
00:53:00,645 --> 00:53:03,180
Something that still has
application today.

1063
00:53:03,281 --> 00:53:05,450
And this guy,
he wasn't even the most famous

1064
00:53:05,550 --> 00:53:06,651
philosopher of his time.

1065
00:53:06,751 --> 00:53:08,052
He was alive at the same time

1066
00:53:08,152 --> 00:53:10,788
as Homer, you know the famous
writer Homer?

1067
00:53:10,988 --> 00:53:12,923
But Hestia was still
he was pretty famous,

1068
00:53:13,023 --> 00:53:14,692
you'd recognize him
if he was walking down

1069
00:53:14,792 --> 00:53:15,826
the street,

1070
00:53:16,126 --> 00:53:17,728
You'd think, whoa, there's
Hestia.

1071
00:53:17,828 --> 00:53:21,766
He's the reason I only had four
grapes and morning tea.

1072
00:53:23,768 --> 00:53:25,936
And these guys
that were genuine rock stars

1073
00:53:26,036 --> 00:53:28,339
and the way
that the society was set up

1074
00:53:28,339 --> 00:53:31,075
was these philosophers,
they would mentor

1075
00:53:31,342 --> 00:53:32,343
young teenage Greek

1076
00:53:32,343 --> 00:53:33,778
boys, they would
take them under their wing.

1077
00:53:33,778 --> 00:53:35,346
It was a practice called pederasty.

1078
00:53:35,346 --> 00:53:37,214
And they would think that they would

1079
00:53:37,315 --> 00:53:38,449
teach them how to think, how

1080
00:53:38,549 --> 00:53:39,950
to move, how to live in the world.

1081
00:53:39,950 --> 00:53:42,387
And another thing that they
would do in their relationship

1082
00:53:42,387 --> 00:53:44,655
as role models with these boys as

1083
00:53:44,755 --> 00:53:45,956
well, they'd fuck them.

1084
00:53:47,458 --> 00:53:49,494
Now, I don't know why we're
necessarily

1085
00:53:49,594 --> 00:53:50,928
taking advice on moderation

1086
00:53:51,028 --> 00:53:53,564
from a paedophile, albeit
one of the more restrained

1087
00:53:53,664 --> 00:53:55,833
ones of his time.

1088
00:53:57,768 --> 00:53:58,569
But the thing for me

1089
00:53:58,836 --> 00:54:01,138
is that so much of modern
society, even today, is

1090
00:54:01,138 --> 00:54:02,473
built on the foundations

1091
00:54:02,473 --> 00:54:03,674
of Greek philosophy.

1092
00:54:03,674 --> 00:54:06,043
So much of how we live is constructed

1093
00:54:06,143 --> 00:54:07,978
on what these guys were thinking.

1094
00:54:07,978 --> 00:54:11,015
It's enough to make
you wonder, what is it

1095
00:54:11,482 --> 00:54:13,884
about having sex with teenage boys

1096
00:54:14,619 --> 00:54:16,954
that made these
fellas so enlightened?

1097
00:54:17,888 --> 00:54:19,056
And I'm afraid to say,

1098
00:54:19,056 --> 00:54:22,259
I don't have the guts to find out.

1099
00:54:22,893 --> 00:54:24,729
Every year
people come up to me, they say,

1100
00:54:24,729 --> 00:54:26,163
"Guy, you've got to do everything

1101
00:54:26,263 --> 00:54:28,299
you can, to make the show as
good as possible."

1102
00:54:28,299 --> 00:54:29,634
And I say, Well,

1103
00:54:29,734 --> 00:54:30,701
I don't think you

1104
00:54:30,701 --> 00:54:32,637
know what you're asking for.

1105
00:54:36,841 --> 00:54:37,875
Still though,

1106
00:54:37,975 --> 00:54:40,044
a hell of a saying, hell of a saying.

1107
00:54:40,911 --> 00:54:43,113
Imagine coming up
with a saying so good,

1108
00:54:43,514 --> 00:54:47,051
people are still using it
2700 years later.

1109
00:54:47,485 --> 00:54:48,319
Like imagine

1110
00:54:48,419 --> 00:54:50,054
coming up with the saying so good,

1111
00:54:50,054 --> 00:54:52,557
it's the main thing
people remember you for

1112
00:54:52,923 --> 00:54:55,593
when you were also a paedophile.

1113
00:54:59,697 --> 00:55:01,131
And then they do the weather.

1114
00:55:10,007 --> 00:55:12,443
And I always used to feel bad
for the weather lady,

1115
00:55:12,443 --> 00:55:14,712
because they'd be like here's
55 minutes of data,

1116
00:55:14,712 --> 00:55:16,981
here's everything
we know that happened today

1117
00:55:17,081 --> 00:55:21,486
and now Wendy is
going to have a guess.

1118
00:55:28,158 --> 00:55:29,660
But that was back in the day
when the weather

1119
00:55:29,760 --> 00:55:31,729
was siloed off at
the end of the news,

1120
00:55:31,729 --> 00:55:32,930
you know as separate from everything,

1121
00:55:32,930 --> 00:55:34,298
but now the weather the
weather's

1122
00:55:34,399 --> 00:55:36,567
carpet bombing
the news the weather's like

1123
00:55:36,567 --> 00:55:38,836
I'm going to be in
a start of the news,

1124
00:55:38,836 --> 00:55:40,871
I'm going to be in the middle
of it I'm the news,

1125
00:55:40,871 --> 00:55:42,139
I'm the weather, baby!

1126
00:55:43,140 --> 00:55:46,777
It's almost like it's trying to
get our attention.

1127
00:55:48,479 --> 00:55:50,114
Something is changing.

1128
00:55:51,849 --> 00:55:54,118
Yeah, you don't worry about that.

1129
00:55:54,619 --> 00:55:57,187
No, you really don't.
And we shouldn't worry about it

1130
00:55:57,287 --> 00:55:58,923
because we've got
a great thing going on.

1131
00:55:58,923 --> 00:56:01,125
We've got people
working on a solution.

1132
00:56:05,095 --> 00:56:06,731
That's a good hire.

1133
00:56:06,831 --> 00:56:09,066
It does feel similar to hiring lions

1134
00:56:09,066 --> 00:56:11,268
to be in charge of
antelope preservation.

1135
00:56:14,605 --> 00:56:15,673
And don't be disheartened,

1136
00:56:15,673 --> 00:56:17,808
if we will make a small change
to our lifestyle,

1137
00:56:17,908 --> 00:56:20,177
the cumulative impact
of all those small changes

1138
00:56:20,177 --> 00:56:22,913
could save future generations.

1139
00:56:22,913 --> 00:56:24,782
Probably a couple of hours.

1140
00:56:28,553 --> 00:56:29,887
I started doing something
this year,

1141
00:56:29,987 --> 00:56:31,456
and it might not sound like much,

1142
00:56:31,556 --> 00:56:33,090
but to try and reduce my
carbon footprint,

1143
00:56:33,190 --> 00:56:37,227
I've actually started taking
much shorter baths.

1144
00:56:40,898 --> 00:56:42,132
Yeah, laugh it up,

1145
00:56:42,399 --> 00:56:45,636
but you got to remember, I used
to be in there splashing around
for hours.

1146
00:56:46,103 --> 00:56:48,506
Now, I'm in and I'm out.
You got to get out to help out.

1147
00:56:48,506 --> 00:56:50,074
That's what I say.

1148
00:56:53,444 --> 00:56:54,845
I don't watch the news anymore.

1149
00:56:54,945 --> 00:56:58,348
I can't engage with this high
end celebrity gossip.

1150
00:56:58,348 --> 00:57:03,187
I've basically been reduced to
just trading in like
interpersonal gossip,

1151
00:57:03,187 --> 00:57:05,523
you know, little salacious tidbits

1152
00:57:05,623 --> 00:57:08,192
as pertaining to people
I know a little bit.

1153
00:57:08,292 --> 00:57:09,527
Stuff that wouldn't be interesting

1154
00:57:09,527 --> 00:57:11,328
if you didn't know the people
involved you know, like,

1155
00:57:11,328 --> 00:57:15,199
have you ever received gossip
in your life before? You have.

1156
00:57:15,299 --> 00:57:16,534
What was it?

1157
00:57:23,841 --> 00:57:28,245
My two friends started dating.

1158
00:57:28,913 --> 00:57:31,281
Your two friends started
dating?

1159
00:57:31,916 --> 00:57:34,819
That's the most
pathetic gossip I've heard.

1160
00:57:36,621 --> 00:57:40,758
It's just like
that sounds nice for them.

1161
00:57:41,559 --> 00:57:43,193
They like each other.
Yeah?

1162
00:57:44,862 --> 00:57:48,298
Yeah.
Did anyone get wronged?

1163
00:57:49,299 --> 00:57:50,701
No.

1164
00:57:52,603 --> 00:57:54,872
No one got wronged.

1165
00:57:55,640 --> 00:57:57,341
It's just two people got it together.

1166
00:57:57,341 --> 00:57:58,876
How old are you?

1167
00:57:59,476 --> 00:58:00,778
20.

1168
00:58:03,047 --> 00:58:04,782
You live a wholesome life.

1169
00:58:09,353 --> 00:58:11,021
That's not gossip.

1170
00:58:13,090 --> 00:58:14,191
I like...
I like it.

1171
00:58:14,191 --> 00:58:15,459
But, you know,
I don't want to be caught

1172
00:58:15,560 --> 00:58:16,661
peddling misinformation.

1173
00:58:16,761 --> 00:58:18,328
So someone brings
me a piece of gossip,

1174
00:58:18,328 --> 00:58:19,730
I'm always quite cautious.

1175
00:58:19,730 --> 00:58:21,832
Before I even let them start
talking, I always say this.

1176
00:58:21,832 --> 00:58:25,269
I say, now, before you start talking,

1177
00:58:25,435 --> 00:58:27,805
I need to know, is this true?

1178
00:58:28,472 --> 00:58:30,340
Or is this untrue?

1179
00:58:31,341 --> 00:58:32,643
I say that.

1180
00:58:32,943 --> 00:58:34,879
I say, Is this
verified or unverified?

1181
00:58:34,879 --> 00:58:36,981
Is this before you start
talking, I got to know,

1182
00:58:37,081 --> 00:58:38,115
is this?...

1183
00:58:40,751 --> 00:58:41,886
Where you get this is this?

1184
00:58:41,886 --> 00:58:44,354
is this horse's mouth?

1185
00:58:45,956 --> 00:58:46,957
Horse's mouth?

1186
00:58:46,957 --> 00:58:47,958
I say that.

1187
00:58:50,027 --> 00:58:53,063
And if they say horse's mouth,
I sit back and I listen.

1188
00:58:53,163 --> 00:58:57,835
because it is always premium
uncut, A-grade gossip.

1189
00:58:58,803 --> 00:59:00,070
But every time as I'm
listening,

1190
00:59:00,070 --> 00:59:02,006
I think the same thing,
I think of myself.

1191
00:59:02,006 --> 00:59:06,210
As good as this is,
we have got to shut up

1192
00:59:06,310 --> 00:59:08,112
that gossiping horse!

1193
00:59:10,247 --> 00:59:11,381
Trolling around town,

1194
00:59:11,381 --> 00:59:12,717
spilling everybody's secrets.

1195
00:59:12,717 --> 00:59:17,221
I mean, yes, it's a miracle,
but it's also a massive liability.

1196
00:59:19,423 --> 00:59:21,926
We got to tranquillize that
horse. I'll try the ketamine,

1197
00:59:22,026 --> 00:59:25,229
If it's up to standard,
we will put it...

1198
00:59:25,229 --> 00:59:27,431
in the horse.

1199
00:59:27,865 --> 00:59:29,033
And also,

1200
00:59:29,033 --> 00:59:33,738
who is confiding all of their
secrets in a horse?

1201
00:59:34,371 --> 00:59:39,409
A horse with a proven track
record mind you, of spilling
the beans.

1202
00:59:40,778 --> 00:59:45,182
I think it's because of their
their long trustworthy faces.

1203
00:59:45,182 --> 00:59:46,116
You know?

1204
00:59:47,017 --> 00:59:49,153
You look at a horse
and you think,

1205
00:59:49,153 --> 00:59:52,990
I could tell you anything.

1206
00:59:52,990 --> 00:59:55,192
Who are you going to tell?
Who do you even know?

1207
00:59:55,192 --> 00:59:57,628
Like a farmer?

1208
01:00:00,731 --> 01:00:01,766
But now all of a sudden,

1209
01:00:01,866 --> 01:00:03,233
I'm cagey around horses.

1210
01:00:03,233 --> 01:00:05,469
I get tight around horses.

1211
01:00:05,469 --> 01:00:06,470
They always see a horse now,

1212
01:00:06,470 --> 01:00:07,905
always asking a leading question.

1213
01:00:07,905 --> 01:00:08,973
To find out if it's...

1214
01:00:10,174 --> 01:00:11,308
I'll always say something like,

1215
01:00:11,308 --> 01:00:13,210
"So what, you got any dirt on
the sheep around here?

1216
01:00:13,310 --> 01:00:15,212
You know, something that.

1217
01:00:16,180 --> 01:00:18,615
If it starts flapping its gums,
running its mouth.

1218
01:00:18,716 --> 01:00:19,549
I keep on walking,

1219
01:00:19,549 --> 01:00:21,686
I don't want to be a part of it.

1220
01:00:21,819 --> 01:00:23,153
But if it's stoic,

1221
01:00:23,153 --> 01:00:25,622
if it holds its ground
and it holds its tongue,

1222
01:00:26,623 --> 01:00:28,492
I'm not a monster.

1223
01:00:28,625 --> 01:00:31,495
I'm not going to start a
conversation I can't finish. I
stick around.

1224
01:00:31,595 --> 01:00:32,629
I talk to that horse.

1225
01:00:32,629 --> 01:00:35,132
And what I find is
when you talk to a horse,

1226
01:00:35,232 --> 01:00:39,169
it's not long before you are
really talking to that horse,

1227
01:00:40,570 --> 01:00:41,972
and it always
starts off with commonalities.

1228
01:00:42,072 --> 01:00:43,107
You know, just what it was
going on.

1229
01:00:43,107 --> 01:00:44,775
Electric fences, grass.

1230
01:00:44,875 --> 01:00:46,977
But...

1231
01:00:46,977 --> 01:00:49,413
20, 30 minutes will go by
and all of a sudden, you know,

1232
01:00:49,513 --> 01:00:50,748
you're talking about stuff

1233
01:00:50,748 --> 01:00:53,050
that you didn't
plan to talk about today

1234
01:00:53,617 --> 01:00:55,986
and an hour or 2 hours might go past

1235
01:00:55,986 --> 01:00:58,655
and you'll be talking about
stuff you didn't think you're
going

1236
01:00:58,756 --> 01:01:00,657
to talk about in your life.

1237
01:01:00,657 --> 01:01:01,658
Yeah, I'm saying

1238
01:01:01,658 --> 01:01:03,694
this horse,
I've not said out loud before

1239
01:01:03,794 --> 01:01:06,063
stuff I've not said to my
partner, to my friends,

1240
01:01:06,063 --> 01:01:08,532
my family stuff I've not said
to my two therapists,

1241
01:01:10,434 --> 01:01:14,204
I mean I can't believe I was
paying two guys $120 an hour each

1242
01:01:14,204 --> 01:01:18,175
when you are for free and one
kilometre out of town.

1243
01:01:18,743 --> 01:01:20,344
You know, another hour will go by.

1244
01:01:20,344 --> 01:01:22,780
2 hours we go by, the moon will
be high in the sky.

1245
01:01:22,780 --> 01:01:26,083
I'll check my watch and sure
enough. It's after midnight.

1246
01:01:26,183 --> 01:01:27,484
I can't stay out here all night.

1247
01:01:27,484 --> 01:01:32,289
I'm liable to catch a cold for
I am a person, not a horse.

1248
01:01:34,792 --> 01:01:36,660
And so I say my good night.

1249
01:01:36,660 --> 01:01:38,195
And as much as I'd like to
stick--

1250
01:01:38,295 --> 01:01:40,731
you ever been in a conversation
you want to keep going?

1251
01:01:40,731 --> 01:01:43,000
I say, as good
as this is, I got to go

1252
01:01:43,533 --> 01:01:47,004
and I take what has once felt
like a long and lonely walk home.

1253
01:01:47,204 --> 01:01:49,473
But on this night it feels different.

1254
01:01:49,573 --> 01:01:52,943
On this night there is a
lightness to my gait.

1255
01:01:52,943 --> 01:01:56,246
I feel as though I'm moving
through the world, a new man.

1256
01:01:56,246 --> 01:01:59,183
For a problem shared is a
problem halved and my God,

1257
01:02:01,218 --> 01:02:05,022
I've opened my world right up
and I get home and I slide into bed

1258
01:02:05,122 --> 01:02:07,157
so quietly careful
not to wake Chelsea.

1259
01:02:07,591 --> 01:02:10,660
and I fall into this
deep and lustrous sleep.

1260
01:02:10,761 --> 01:02:13,063
This dreamless sleep,
the likes of which I've not had

1261
01:02:13,163 --> 01:02:15,299
since I was a preadolescent boy.

1262
01:02:16,400 --> 01:02:17,768
And I wake up the next morning

1263
01:02:17,768 --> 01:02:19,669
and I'm rested and revitalized

1264
01:02:19,770 --> 01:02:22,039
and I don't just
feel ready for the day.

1265
01:02:22,039 --> 01:02:24,608
I feel ready for the rest of my life.

1266
01:02:24,942 --> 01:02:26,710
I feel like
a totally different person.

1267
01:02:26,811 --> 01:02:29,046
I tend to Chelsea, I say

1268
01:02:29,046 --> 01:02:30,714
let's not have breakfast at home,

1269
01:02:30,714 --> 01:02:33,951
let's not have oats, let's go

1270
01:02:34,751 --> 01:02:36,720
out to the French markets.

1271
01:02:36,720 --> 01:02:39,589
And we do. And we go out. We're
having coffee and croissants.

1272
01:02:39,689 --> 01:02:42,226
We're having a good time. We're
walking around, we're smiling,

1273
01:02:42,326 --> 01:02:44,862
and I'm smiling at people, and
people are smiling at me.

1274
01:02:45,662 --> 01:02:48,498
I'm smiling at people, and
people are laughing,

1275
01:02:48,598 --> 01:02:50,968
people are laughing at me.

1276
01:02:57,908 --> 01:03:00,911
And so I go over to one of
these sort of these shared tables

1277
01:03:00,911 --> 01:03:02,880
and sure enough, there's a
newspaper sitting there.

1278
01:03:02,880 --> 01:03:05,215
What the hell is this?
Front page news,

1279
01:03:05,315 --> 01:03:08,152
I'm the talk of the town?

1280
01:03:08,152 --> 01:03:10,454
It says right here, Guy Montgomery

1281
01:03:10,554 --> 01:03:12,957
has a teeny weeny peeny?

1282
01:03:14,892 --> 01:03:16,726
I'm sorry, what?

1283
01:03:17,227 --> 01:03:20,530
Of course he'd say that he's a
fucking horse.

1284
01:03:27,504 --> 01:03:29,806
So I'm off horses.

1285
01:03:30,507 --> 01:03:32,009
Don't talk to horses anymore.

1286
01:03:32,109 --> 01:03:34,945
But you don't need to worry
about me. I'm not lonely.

1287
01:03:34,945 --> 01:03:37,347
I recently have become quite,

1288
01:03:37,714 --> 01:03:40,050
quite close
friends with a little birdie,

1289
01:03:44,388 --> 01:03:47,657
and I don't know what I'd do
if that guy betrayed me.

1290
01:03:52,696 --> 01:03:55,232
And before I go, I just want, I
just want a tidy one thing up.

1291
01:03:55,232 --> 01:03:57,501
And this is a silly thing to
do, really because...

1292
01:03:57,501 --> 01:04:01,071
I shouldn't have to defend
myself against my own joke, but...

1293
01:04:04,008 --> 01:04:06,376
I... I don't have...

1294
01:04:10,881 --> 01:04:11,715
I don't!

1295
01:04:12,049 --> 01:04:13,650
I've got a normie.

1296
01:04:14,952 --> 01:04:16,253
Normie...

1297
01:04:19,223 --> 01:04:20,857
It is funny, I will say that

1298
01:04:20,857 --> 01:04:22,459
I think it's a funny p--

1299
01:04:22,459 --> 01:04:24,528
I think all penises are funny.

1300
01:04:24,528 --> 01:04:25,495
I, and I...

1301
01:04:25,495 --> 01:04:27,364
you know, I would even go so
far as adding

1302
01:04:27,364 --> 01:04:29,766
penises are funnier than vaginas

1303
01:04:29,766 --> 01:04:32,236
because the penis is out.

1304
01:04:33,037 --> 01:04:35,005
And that is
a vulnerable position to be.

1305
01:04:35,005 --> 01:04:36,873
You know, sometimes I see a penis.

1306
01:04:36,974 --> 01:04:38,642
Sometimes I see my
own penis in the mirror,

1307
01:04:38,742 --> 01:04:40,377
and I think what...

1308
01:04:41,178 --> 01:04:44,614
what is a fella like you...

1309
01:04:46,050 --> 01:04:48,919
doing in a place like this?

1310
01:04:49,519 --> 01:04:51,888
And I never think
that when I see a vagina.

1311
01:04:54,758 --> 01:04:57,061
If I see a vagina,
I always think the same thing.

1312
01:04:57,061 --> 01:05:00,464
I think to myself, Oh...

1313
01:05:01,031 --> 01:05:04,501
My God,

1314
01:05:09,273 --> 01:05:10,740
Eight eyes.

1315
01:05:13,843 --> 01:05:16,046
Eight legs.

1316
01:05:16,046 --> 01:05:18,148
And now this?

1317
01:05:18,248 --> 01:05:20,784
I must be the luckiest man alive.

1318
01:05:21,085 --> 01:05:22,019
Thank you so much.

1319
01:05:22,119 --> 01:05:23,988
I've been Guy Montgomery. Thank you.