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ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together
for Helen Hong!
[CROWD CLAPPING]
Hi!
Wow!
Holy fucking shit balls.
I haven't been on stage in a year.
[LAUGHING]
I really have not been on stage in a year.
So this is either going to be a miracle or flaming shit show.
Let's do this.
[CROWD CLAPPING]
I learned so much about myself during the pandemic.
That was the one good thing, right?
It was like a time of self discovery.
I learned that nothing on earth,
and I mean literally nothing on earth,
will ever get me to read a book.
Nothing, never. It's not happening.
Didn't happen before the pandemic,
not happening now.
And it's not like I didn't have the time.
So that excuse was complete bullshit.
Yeah. I will get all the way to the end of Netflix
and then start back over at the beginning of Netflix,
rather than crack open a book.
It's just not happening.
And I, you know, I like to think of myself
as an erudite, intelligent, some other smart word
person. But I just have to accept the fact
that I am a dumb trash bag who just don't read.
It's not happening. It's not happening.
I also learned that I have zero ability,
zero ability to tell if someone is hot from here, down.
Oh.
We all encountered this, right?
Covid hot. Hot from the mask up.
Right? You see someone at the grocery store, you're like, oh yeah.
Yes. Look at the eyes on you.
Mmm-hmm. Come on over here.
They pull their masks down and you're like, whoa!
Yikes, woofitywoof. What happened there?
I did not see that nose coming.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Look at you. You've got big brown eyes and big brown teeth.
Wow, check that out.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
We were always told that the eyes were the window to the soul.
That's some bullshit.
Now we know this part of the face was doing all the heavy lifting.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Like the mouth and the nose are the unsung heroes of hotness.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Because you can see someone with really dark sunglasses
and still tell if they're hot.
But this this is the wild, wild west under here.
Things can go sideways really fast.
And I know I've been tricking people to like, if I'm masked up
and someone way out of my league is hitting on me, I'm like, yo, I just
I just want you to know, I know my eye makeup is on point right now,
but I have my original Korean nose under here.
So manage your expectation. We can still fuck.
I mean, we can still do it.
I have no problem. I can keep the mask on.
You could imagine whatever you want is going on under here.
But it's full disclosure.
I was single when the 'Rona started. And, surprise! Still single.
[CROWD CLAPPING]
I can't believe how many people were dating during the pandemic.
I would talk to people, and I'd be like, wait, you're, you're dating?
Like, how? Like, how does that work?
And they'd be, like, we we go on FaceTime dates.
I'm like, what...
So you're just camgirling each other?
You're just... You're just showing each other body parts
and, like, jerking off at the same time over the phone?
And they're like, no, no, Helen. Come on.
We talk and we get to know each other.
And I'm like, when do you do it?
And they're like, never. I'm like, what? So you're just making a new friend?
What? That's... You're making a pen pal over FaceTime?
That sounds horrible.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Talking, that's the worst part of dating.
That's... I don't talk to the friends I have now.
I don't need any more phone buddies.
That's not dating. That's genuine human connection.
Gross.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Even the apocalypse will not get me to answer the phone.
And don't get me wrong.
Like during the pandemic, I was, you know, I would think about people
that I hadn't talked to in a couple of years.
And I would reach out. I would text them and be like, hey, I hope you're all right.
Through all this craziness, I hope your family is okay.
Sometimes these people would try to call me back.
Whoa! Hey, come on.
Don't break our trust here.
Okay. We have an unwritten social contract.
I text you, you text me back.
Don't try to call me.
Are you insane? I'm still more afraid of answering
the phone than I am of catching the Corona virus.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
If I text you and you call me back, I'll assume you're all right.
Your shit's going to voicemail.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I have a new type of person that I'm into now because of the pandemic.
Yeah, I'm into doomsday preppers.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yeah.
Remember when we thought doomsday preppers
were just cuckoo pants weirdos?
Like, look at this freak. He's digging
an underground bunker. Pffft.
And then Covid happened.
And we had the great toilet paper crisis.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And now I'm like, yeah, climb into this bunker, baby.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Now, I'm on Tinder.
If you don't have 30 cases of beans in your basement,
swipe left, asshole.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
No 2,000 pack of mac and cheese?
Keep it moving.
I want someone who's thinking long term.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Because the toilet paper shortage was the scariest part of the pandemic, right?
I mean, people were literally getting into fistfights
at Target over toilet paper.
Which says so much about how spoiled we are as Americans.
None of us thought we were going to starve to death.
But crusty asshole, oh that...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That was a fear.
[CROWD CLAPPING]
That was a real fear.
Like the supermarkets never ran out of food.
They always had food.
The only things they were out of were cleaning supplies and TP.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
My parents thought this was the most ridiculous thing.
My parents both survived almost starving to death
in the middle of the Korean War. So they were, like,
what's with the toilet paper?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Do people know that if you shit in your house,
you can just jump in the tub?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And wash your asshole?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, Mom and Dad.
We are not a third-world country.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
We don't wash our butts.
Are you crazy? No.
We get into fistfights at Target like civilized people.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I totally got caught up in it.
I got caught up in the TP panic.
I was down to my last roll of Charmin and I freaked out.
I drove down to the hood.
I trekked down to, like, little Guatemala,
and I found a tiny little bodega
and they had toilet paper.
But you know what?
It was in Espanol.
Si.
I snatched up cuatros rollos...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...de papel higienico.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And I learned something
very interesting about Spanish-language toilet paper.
A lot of the times it's scented.
Right at the top of my cuatros rollos.
Right at the top it says, "Aroma..."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"De...
"Manzanilla."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Which I Google translated.
It means "scent of chamomile."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I had bought chamomile-flavored toilet paper,
which was disappointing because my asshole prefers a nice Earl Grey.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Because it was so stressful.
The pandemic was so stressful.
I was grinding my teeth
so badly, and I learned how bad it had gotten
when I finally made my way back to the dentist.
My dentist, by the way, is a 70-year-old Palestinian man.
So he's seen some shit.
And he's like, "Oh,
"Helen.
"Helen, Helen, Helen.
"You are grinding your teeth.
"Grinding, grinding, grinding, grinding.
"I can tell because your jaw muscles are huge."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Guys. I'm jacked in the face.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Of all the muscle groups
that I wish were ripped on my body.
Not my abs, not my biceps.
No, I have a yoked head.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And nobody thinks a huge jaw is hot.
Come on. Nobody's, like, hey, did you see when she pulled her mask down?
Ooh! Her mandibles are thick.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I was so stressed out in the middle of the pandemic.
I tried to make an appointment with my doctor.
And my doctor was, like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
We're only doing telemedicine.
You can't come here.
No, we're we're going to Zoom like everybody else is doing.
You can show me the body part that's wrong with you
over your laptop, and I will diagnose you over the Internet.
I'm, like, that sounds like a security nightmare.
But you know what?
Google already has all the pictures of my tits.
So whatever.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So I made this appointment with my doctor,
and I'm, like, Doc, you gotta help me out.
I am not doing well.
I'm, like, not sleeping well.
I'm grinding my teeth.
I'm Asian.
Please help me out.
And my doctor, God bless her, goes,
Helen.
Have you tried meditating?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yeah, bitch.
I live in L.A.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I bounce up and down on a fucking yoga ball
in the middle of my living room.
I have fucking Deepak motherfucking Chopra going on in the background.
I'm doing that Tibetan singing bowls.
I've got the incense and the tea.
I've got a yoni egg up in my hooha.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yes, I have heard of fucking meditation.
But guess what? We're in the middle
of the apocalypse right now. There's a global pandemic.
Stand-up comedy is dead.
I have lost half my income.
Asian people are getting randomly attacked in the streets.
I think we're a little bit past meditating, okay?
Give me the fucking drugs, bitch.
[CROWD CLAPPING]
Let's triple up my Lexapro, pile on the Zoloft.
Give me the Xanax crushed
so I can snort it because I need it yesterday.
Stop wasting my fucking time.
Let's do this.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
She said no.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Which is why I'm on 300 CBD edibles right now.
[CROWD CLAPPING]
I feel great.
She goes like this. She's, like, Helen, I'll make you a deal.
I will write you a prescription for five Xanax.
And once you get through the five, you come back and see me.
And if you're doing okay, I'll give you another five.
Five fucking Xanax?
That is what I sprinkle on my cereal in the morning.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
This bitch thinks five Xanax
is going to last me longer than 42 minutes?
Get the fuck out of here.
So I have a doctor friend.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Because I'm Korean.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And if we're not one, we know one.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So I call my doctor friend. I'm, like, yo,
my doctor is being such a stingy bitch.
She'll only give me five Xanax.
What the fuck?
Like, what is she afraid of?
Like, what does she think is going to happen?
That I end up with no teeth, just sucking dick in an alley?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And my friend goes, yeah.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yeah, that's the fear.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And I'm like...
[GROANS]
Fine.
Will you give me the Xanax?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I have shitty friends.
So I got a dog.
[CROWD CLAPPING]
I was so lucky.
I got a dog just before lockdown happened.
Because, you know, you remember
in the middle of quarantine, you couldn't get a dog.
Dogs were sold out.
It was like TP and then dogs.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I got this dog
not so much because of the soothing effects of a dog,
but because I heard that dog Xanax is easier to get...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...than people Xanax.
[CROWD CLAPPING]
Did you guys know that dog Xanax
and people Xanax is the exact same shit?
Yes, same stuff.
You just have to play around with the amounts.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Like one pill every one hour for you
is one every seven hours for the dog.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And you don't have to wrap the pill in bologna or anything.
You can just take it, just take it.
You don't have to mix it in peanut butter. Just take it.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I'm going to have this dog on years and years
of anti-anxiety medication.
Years.
At some point, the vet is going to be, like,
Helen, I think your dog is doing okay.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And I'm going to be, like, oh God, no.
No, please.
The dog had a horrible Tinder date last night.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
The dog has been getting some very racist
comments on its YouTube channel.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
The dog's mom wants it to marry a Korean doctor.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
It's my mom, guys.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
My mom wants me to marry a Korean doctor
because that woman stays on brand.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And actually, I don't know what the big deal is with Korean doctors.
I had a Korean doctor for a while, and he was the worst doctor.
He was totally phoning it in.
He was playing Fortnite in the corner,
I was like, dude, I'm naked over here.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I actually have a theory about Asian doctors.
It is very controversial so buckle up.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I think Asian doctors
are the worst doctors.
And it isn't just because my friend wouldn't give me
the fucking Xanax.
By the way, this is a theory that I can have and you can have
and maybe she can have, and none of the fucking rest of you can have.
[CROWD CLAPPING]
So don't try getting all racist
at your doctor's office.
This one's for us.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Here's my theory.
I don't want my medical care in the hands of someone
who can't even stand up to their own parents.
I mean, come on, let's face it.
Half of Asian doctors don't want to be doctors at all.
They want to be rappers like the rest of us.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And how are you going to fight meningitis
if you can't even fight your own tiger mom, Dr. Kim?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I want my doctor to be
a non-Asian, non-Indian, non-Jewish doctor.
Because you know that doctor had to go through some shit.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Can you imagine even applying to medical school
with a name like Billy Bob Buckworth?
Oh, okay. Thank you for your application, Billy Bob,
but we have seven Patels in line ahead of you.
So, take a seat.
I feel like I can make fun of Asians
because they're my own people.
The rest of you need to watch yourselves.
Because it's not a fun time to be Asian right now.
No, not a fun time to be Asian right now.
Not only are we being blamed for the end of civilization.
Not only are we being randomly attacked in the streets,
but also our favorite masks are sold out.
What the fuck? That was our thing.
The mask thing was our thing.
We've been on the mask tip for decades.
[CROWD CLAPPING]
Now suddenly the rest of you had jumped on board,
and now I can't find my favorite mask brand anywhere.
What's next, sun visors?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
We also had to teach the rest of the world
that China is not the only country in Asia.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Like, I get it
if you are mad at the Chinese government, I totally get it.
The Chinese government is very fucked up,
and they do a lot of fucked up things.
But what does that have to do
with the millions of Asians
from all over Asia who don't live in China?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[CROWD CLAPPING]
I'm Korean.
The worst thing we ever did was the Kia Optima.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And we gave you K-Pop.
Yo, we gave you...
[CROWD CHEERING]
We gave you K-Pop, Parasite,
and Korean barbecue.
So suck our fucking dicks.
[CROWD CLAPPING]
I can't believe that we all get lumped in together.
There are like 50 different countries in Asia.
You can tell how varied Asia is
by how crazy the stereotypes are.
They're all over the place.
Asians, we're supposed to be good at math
and laundry.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And shooting ping pong balls out of our vaginas?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Come on. Come on.
The same person can't be good at all three of those things.
I can't do math.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Or laundry,
[CROWD CLAPPING]
There are Asians that are, like, Russian.
Because they're from, like, Kazakhstan or Uzbekistan or one of the stans.
So they look completely Asian like me.
But then they open their mouth and they're like Ivan Drago from Rocky 4.
Nyet.
I must break you.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
My fantasy. My fantasy
is for one of these fucking coward,
racist piece of shit Asian attackers
to try the fuck with an Asian Russian.
Whoa!
A world of hurt.
Every bone in their body is broken.
Their whole family is dead.
Their dog has been poisoned with plutonium.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
If he dies, he dies.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
The anti Asian attacks have gotten so bad.
This is how bad they've gotten.
I started a YouTube channel
in the middle of the pandemic with my parents.
It's called Old Korean Dad Stories and Sometimes Mom,
and I interview them about their amazing life experiences.
Because both of my parents are funny, quirky, interesting people.
And I hope that if I show that to the world,
that maybe people will think twice
about kicking them in the head randomly in the street.
Are you hearing me?
Attacks have gotten so bad that I subjected myself
to teaching 75-year-olds how to download Zoom.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yo, you think love is taking a bullet for someone?
No.
True love is being tech support to old people.
[CROWD CLAPPING]
That's love. That's love.
So please, for the love of God,
stop attacking old Asian people.
Because if I have to teach another geriatric how to AirDrop
I'm going to curb stomp myself.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
My last name is Hong, H-O-N-G.
And I used to sell these T-shirts at my shows
that said, "Well Hong," on them.
Because I want everyone to know that I have a really big dick.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And I sold out.
I couldn't believe it. They were not subtle.
They were like bright blue with big lettering.
"Well Hong."
I sold out of the entire run.
I had one T-shirt left, so I gave it to
my dad.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Mr. Hong. And Mr. Hong is adorable.
He's like this tall.
He has totally white hair.
He's a 76-year-old South Korean immigrant,
English is not his first language,
so he had no idea what this shit meant.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I give him the shirt.
I'm like Dad. It's just a shirt.
You can wear it around the house, whatever.
I did not know that this man was rocking this thing
out and about in the neighborhood.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Until he shows up at my house
wearing the shirt.
And he's, like, Helen...
Well Hong.
What does it mean?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Because I'm wearing the shirt and people smiling at me
and giving me thumbs up.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
High-fiving.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Ladies are winking at me.
Sometimes men are winking at me.
Well Hong, what does it mean?
And I'm, like, oh shit.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Um...
Well, Dad, uh...
It, uh...
Um...
It means you have a big penis, Dad.
It means you have a big penis.
And then
my tiny, little white-haired 76-year-old Korean father
goes like this.
Ah!
[CROWD CLAPPING]
Well Hong!
So, that's how I found Dad's packing.
Ew. Gross.
I did not need to know that Mr. Hong has a gigantic dong.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
My parents sent me to Catholic school
which was super fun.
Anybody go to Catholic school? Make some noise.
Catholic. Wow, feel the energy. Uh...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Trying to forget.
You know what's super duper fun about me going to Catholic school?
Uh, we're not even Catholic.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
If you want to teach your kids how much God doesn't love them,
send them to Catholic school.
The nuns will let you know. Oh, God actively hates you.
My parents are Korean Methodist, which...
The difference between Korean Methodist and American Methodist
is like 14% more guilt and shame.
And like 22% better handbags.
It's true. We have. We're well accessorized.
I learned so much about the Catholic religion
by going to Catholic school. I learned that Catholics
eat the body and drink the blood of Christ.
-Like... -[MAN WHOOPING]
You were really excited about that, sir.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Is eating Jesus your favorite activity?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You're, like, yeah, Jesus!
Yummy, yummy.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Catholics eat the body
and drink the blood of Christ
like seven to eight times a week,
which I think is an excessive amount of eating and drinking of Jesus.
That is a lot of eating and drinking of Jesus.
You know doesn't get to eat or drink Jesus at all?
People who aren't Catholic.
I was 8. They made me stand in the back of chapel
while all my little friends got to have delicious helpings of Jesus.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I was super jelly.
I was, like, I could use a Jesus snack.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I could use a little nibble-o-Christ.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So you know what I did? One day, I snuck past the nuns,
I snuck in the line
and I got myself a little taste-o-Jesus.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And do you know what I discovered?
Jesus could use a little flavor. Yeah.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Jesus is very dry.
[CROWD CLAPPING]
I'm, like, do you have any hummus
I could pair with my Jesus?
Or do you have any peanut butter that I could spread on this Jesus?
Do you guys have a cool ranch Jesus back there?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Also, the wine was not wine.
It was Welch's motherfucking grape juice.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I was, like, what kind of bullshit are you pulling here, nuns?
I don't remember anywhere in the Bible,
where Jesus said, remember me by drinking
Welch's motherfucking grape juice.
I think we all know
Jesus said, remember me by getting a little tipsy and carbo loading.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I don't trust people that never drink.
Never drink, really? Never drink?
You want to feel all the feelings?
What? That sounds horrible.
No, thank you.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I was once invited to a dry wedding.
What the fuck?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
What? Why?
What is the point of going to a wedding,
except to get shitfaced for free?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That's the only reason why we go to weddings.
I get invited to this wedding,
it turns out, both sets of parents
are evangelical Christians.
So no booze at this wedding, and I'm like,
uh...
They don't even pull that move in the Bible.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Jesus Christ was at a wedding that ran out of wine,
and he was like, "This is unacceptable. This..."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -[CROWD CLAPPING]
No, no.
We've got to do something about this.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
The Virgin Mary sprinted up to him and was like, "Jesus,
"get your father on the phone."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[MOCKINGLY] If he could knock me up out of nowhere, he can get some wine
back at this wedding.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
This was the first miracle Jesus Christ ever performed.
Before he walked on water, before he brought anybody back from the dead.
Priority number one, restocking the bar.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[APPLAUDING]
He was like, "Wait, what?
"We're out of wine?"
Oh, shit's about to get miraculous up in this bitch.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Can you imagine how good that wine must have been that Jesus turned from water?
Can we assume that the J-Man was a dope-ass sommelier?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[APPLAUDING]
The son of God is not turning water into Franzia.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And how lucky would you be, to be the couple whose wedding it was?
[GASPS] Everybody's talking about your wedding.
"Your wedding, the food, the wine!"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Who did your catering?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And you're like, [LAUGHING] "The Messiah."
-[HELEN LAUGHS] -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Wow. You should see how far that guy can stretch
two fishes in a loaf of bread... Wow. [EXCLAIMING]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
What a savior!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[APPLAUDING]
I had a lot of personal changes during the pandemic.
I had a baby.
-[CROWD CHEERING] -Thank you.
[APPLAUDING]
Okay, I should be honest.
I didn't... I didn't physically have a baby,
okay... I didn't, yikes... No. No.
Ugh...
No. [SCOFFS]
Baby having is not a thing that I do. No...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
This womb is purely decorative.
Okay... I just...
The only eggs getting action in here
are Cadbury cream.
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -Yeah...
I have Plan B in a Pez dispenser next to my bed.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
It's Elmer Fudd.
Elmer Fudd gives me Plan B.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So how did Plan B Pez bitch end up with a baby? [LAUGHS]
What had happened was,
my sister/roommate
decided to have a baby by herself.
Yeah, she is what is called a single mother by choice.
But because I live with this bitch...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...that makes me a single mother by no choice.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
No choice.
What a dick move for a roommate, am I right?
I mean, I've had shitty roommates.
I've had roommates leave dishes in the sink,
I've had roommates go through my underwear drawer.
This is the first time I've had a roommate have a baby on me.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
My sister knows she can take advantage
of the situation, because I'm her sister.
She knows, I'm not going to be like "Yo...
"Good luck with that baby.
-"I'm going to dip." -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
-"To my room..." -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
-"Which is right there next to your room, yeah." -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
My sister fully catfished me.
She was like, "Hey, you're quarantining alone.
"I'm quarantining alone.
"What do you think about buying a house together?"
And I was like, "Shit, you're the one with the good job and the good credit..."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I tell dick jokes for a living.
Can you imagine me trying to get a mortgage?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
The banker would be like, "So, Ms. Hong, what are your assets?"
I'd be like, "I have a really strong jaw."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -[APPLAUDING]
My sister's like, "No problem. I will put my name on the mortgage,
"we'll still split the house 50/50. It'll be great."
I'm like, "Great."
We buy the house, we move in.
Boom, the second we move in,
she's like, "Surprise, I'm pregnant."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
This bitch used real estate...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...to get me to be her baby daddy.
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -[CROWD CLAPPING]
That is some diabolical shit.
I know, owning a house is the American dream,
but helping you raise your baby, that is a high cost.
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -That is not fair market value.
Do you know what I did last night?
I sucked tiny snot out of a miniature nostril,
using a straw and my mouth!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Bitch, you're getting the utilities.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
I'm actually very proud of my sister,
despite the fact that she's a catfishing bitch...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
She looked around and went,
"You know what?
"I don't want to have a baby with none of you fuckoes."
And she's cute, like she had plenty of offers.
She's super cute and she was like "Nah..." And that's really ballsy.
That's like going to Ikea
and deciding to buy the world's most complicated bookshelf,
dresser, wall unit combo.
And they tell you right out the gate,
this is going to be the hardest thing you're ever going to do.
This thing is going to take you 18 years to build
and there's people in there that are like, "Hey, we could do this together.
"I could help you build this thing."
And my sisters like "No, I just need you
"to hand me your Allen wrench..."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"...and then go away."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Because you're just gonna annoy me,
"and I'd rather build this thing myself."
The Allen wrench was the jizz.
You guys got that right? Okay.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I can see why my sister chose me over any other dipshit to help her raise her baby.
There are perks to raising a baby with your sister.
You already know how fucked up the in-laws are.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
If we ever get divorced,
she knows I don't want custody.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You don't have to negotiate with anyone over what to name the baby.
She fully could've been like, "Yo, I'm naming this baby Bowling Ball."
And I would have been like, "That's stupid, but okay."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Naming the baby was rough.
It was hard to name the baby because we wanted to pick a name
that our parents could pronounce.
That is harder than you might think.
I think that's why every Korean that you have ever met all have the same names.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
All right. We're all Steve Kim,
Grace Lee, Helen Hong.
-I personally know five other Helen Hong's. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I went to vote in L. A. County, and they were like,
-Phew! -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"There are 14 Helen Hongs in this county.
"Which the fuck one are you?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
This is why I don't have any of my social handles.
All these other fucking Helen Hongs have my shit.
And I can't kill all of them.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[APPLAUDING]
I asked my dad, "Why?" I was like,
"Dad, why is Helen such a common name amongst Korean Americans?"
It turns out his generation of Koreans were all taught about Helen Keller.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Like, Helen Keller was the most famous American figure
taught in Korean public schools in 1960.
Which makes so much sense. Because they love a quiet woman, don't they?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yeah, real quiet.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So...
Helen's like one of the only English names that Korean people know.
And then there's only like seven Korean last names.
So, boom, we're all Helen.
Half of us are Helen Hong.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
It's hard to find a name that works in both cultures.
Like we were bouncing off baby names with our mom.
I'm like, "Mom, what do you think about the name Mary?"
And she's like, "Oh, Mary? Oh, no..."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I'm like "What's wrong with the name Mary?" She's like,"Oh, Mary is
"what they call street dog in Korea."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
What?
Yeah, Mary is what they call a female dog.
Girl dog, they go "Mary, Mary, Mary."
Boy dog, they go, "Chong, Chong, Chong"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So... So, Mary is the Korean word for bitch.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
She's like, "Bitch? I don't know."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
All right, no Mary.
"Uh, what do you think about the name Josie?
"Josie is a nice name."
She's like, "Georgie?"
"Oh, no...
"Georgie is not good for Korean pronouncing.
Why? What's wrong with Josie?
She's like, "Um, Georgie sounds like chaagie."
Chaagieis the Korean slang for dick.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Cock, weenis. You guys get it.
I'm like, "Okay, no Josie. Oh, what about the name Emma?
"Emma is a beautiful name."
She's like, "Oh, no Emma. Oh, no..."
It turns out, Emma was the name of the first softcore porn movie...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...that ever played in South Korea...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...in 1982. I am not making this up.
You can Google this shit.
The movie was called Madame Emma.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
It was the Deep Throat of South Korea.
I'm like, "That is hilarious, Mom. Did you see the movie?"
She's like, "Oh, no..."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Oh, no, so dirty, so dirty. I no watching, nobody I know watching."
Guys, I googled the shit. Emma was the number one grossing movie...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...in all of South Korea in 1982.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So because of this movie, my mom forever associates the name Emma
with just flagrant dick sucking. Just wild.
Just wild Korean fucking. And I'm "Great, no Emma."
Emma is such a wholesome name.
It's a Jane Austen novel, that they've turned into movies.
Can you imagine how many disappointed Korean men
went to go see the Jane Austen Emma?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
They got their dicks out, they're like, "I'm ready."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Then they're like, "What's with all these bitches in bonnets?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"When are these hoes taking their clothes off?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I can't believe I am raising a kid.
I am so not a children person.
Like, I literally never gave a shit about kids.
I didn't want to hold your kid. I didn't want to see pictures of your kids.
Like, I did not give a fuck about kids.
I used to do a joke in my act about Amber Alerts.
You guys get Amber Alerts?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
We all know them, right?
First of all, did you guys know that your phone could make a noise
that aggressive?
[SHRIEKING]
Holy shit, it sounds like velociraptors giving birth.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[SHRIEKING]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
The first time it happened, I thought the aliens had landed.
[SHRIEKING] I was like, "They found us."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Even now, I know what it is. But it's so scary. [SHRIEKING]
Like, " Did I steal the kid?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Is there a kid back here?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And I did not give a shit about kids.
So I always thought they should make an Amber Alert for people like me
that's just way more mellow.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Like they should make an Amber Alert that's just, "Aww..."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Nee-ner...
Wow, look, a kid went missing.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Sucks, but...
I'm not going to do shit about it.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You want me to go chasing this Nissan Sentra?
I don't think so.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Living with a baby is like getting PTSD in slow motion.
I constantly smell phantom shit.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I constantly hear crying.
Sometimes it's the baby.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I can't stand still anymore.
I stand still and I'm automatically like...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
♪ Twinkle, twinkle
And babies are fucking manipulative.
Oh, babies are not helpless.
Oh, no.
Our baby will cry
and it'll start off like normal crying. Like "Wah, wah.
"I'm hungry, wah wah."
But if two minutes go by, and we haven't picked up the baby,
oh, the crying ramps up.
Then it's like, "Waa waa, I'm hungry, bitches. Get your asses in gear! Waa waa!"
And then if another two minutes go by and we still haven't picked up the baby,
oh shit, this baby ramps it up to defcon one.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
The crying becomes like not only so loud,
but also just devastatingly heartbreaking.
The crying becomes like...
Have you seen the first 10 minutes of Up?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
This baby is 3 weeks old.
I'm pretty sure the baby has never seen a Pixar movie.
But somehow the baby's like... [WAILING] "Oh, my God..."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
-"I can't believe his wife died..." -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[CONTINUES WAILING]
"They never got to take their trip."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -[HELEN WAILING]
Spoiler alert for Up.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Sorry. The spoiler alert came after. Yeah, Okay.
My sister and I don't know shit about babies,
which means we get to play this really fun game every day called
"Oh, my God! Is the baby dead?"
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -Every day, every day.
We just stare it at sleeping,
we're like, "Did we kill it?"
We needed help.
Which caused us to do the most insane thing
that two Korean sisters raising a baby can do.
Which is that we actually told our parents about the baby.
And we were very on the fence. We had a whole plan.
We were like, "We're going to pretend like we got into a huge fight.
"We could never be in the same room at the same time.
"You get the baby at Christmas, I'll take the baby at Easter."
Like we had this whole plan.
And it was... You know what makes it more complicated
telling our parents is that, my sister got pregnant via anonymous sperm donor,
using a turkey baster.
Like, imagine explaining that shit to white parents.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And now imagine explaining it to Korean parents. Are you kidding?
Their heads would fucking explode!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
We don't know how to say
sperm donor or turkey baster in Korean.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
-They never taught that shit in Korean language school. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
None of this is a thing in Korean culture.
So we had to practice telling our parents.
We, like, ran like CIA interrogation drills.
But instead of waterboarding, it was just my mom beating her chest like...
[WAILING]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
We really... We were like... We were rehearsing, hardcore.
We were like running. Like my sister would be like, "Okay, okay.
"Phew! Okay...
"Hey, Mom and Dad,
"remember that one Thanksgiving, we had that really juicy turkey?"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
This is an extremely conflicted time for our parents
because they finally get a grandchild.
But they're like, "Why are you both so weird?
"Why can't you guys do anything normal? Seriously..."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"This one's a standup comic, this one's turkey basting herself.
"Oh, my God."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
My parents had to switch churches.
-Yeah. They go to white church now. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
This shit was not going to fly at Korean church.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Can you imagine? Korean church. I don't know if you guys are familiar with Korean church.
But Korean church is like America's Got Talent.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And everyone is Simon Cowell...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But way less encouraging.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
There was no way my parents were gonna just roll up to Korean church
and announce that they suddenly had a grandchild.
All their church members would be like, "Wait, wait, wait.
"When was the wedding?"
My parents would be like...
-"Have you ever had a really juicy turkey?" -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[APPLAUDING]
I live in South Central L.A,
because I'm a hard, hard bitch.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And also it was the only place that we could afford to buy a house.
[CHUCKLES]
I live five blocks away from the Boyz n the Hoodhouse.
You know, the house where Laurence Fishburne
twirled the balls and contemplated how hot he is.
I learned this because I was googling my own house
and the Boyz n the Hood house popped up
as a historic landmark on Google Maps.
So if any of you want to
reenact a drive by from Boyz n the Hood,
come over to my place, we'll pile into my Prius.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I'll play Doughboy,
one of you can be Tre.
We'll have to find a hot, grown ass man to play Laurence Fishburne.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
We're raising this baby in South Central.
So when I say, "Oh, I got to go back to my crib," I mean, literally.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
We actually feel very safe in our neighborhood
because we are kind of famous in our hood.
We're like the only Asian people in a five mile radius of my house.
And we confuse the hell out of all of our neighbors.
They're like, "Oh no, they got a kid, but there ain't no man.
"They got a chill ass dog, though."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"They could be lesbians, but they look like one another."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"I don't know what's going on."
We have an extremely nosy next door neighbor.
Hey, if you're concerned about security,
get yourself an older black woman neighbor.
Ooh, nothing gets past her.
She will call us
and tell us that we have a FedEx package on our porch
that's been there for three and a half minutes.
She'll call us to tell us to put more garlic in the soup that we're making...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...because it smells weak as shit.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
She will call us to tell us there's a Korean man in a Well Hong T-shirt...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[APPLAUDING]
...and he does indeed look like he's packing.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I feel like this baby is going to be a major cock block for me.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Like my dating life was a shit show before the baby.
[LAUGHING]
I'm on all the apps, all the apps...
I'm on Black People Meet. I'm on Grub Hub...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Just deliver the dick.
Just deliver the dick, to my face, with a side of fries.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I hope that we learned from the pandemic that we should try to be nicer
to each other, right?
Because there's so much negativity in the world.
Even before the pandemic, there was so much negativity in the world
and it was bringing out the worst in people.
Just before lock down happened, I experienced one of the most petty
things I have ever experienced in my entire life.
I was in public and I got into a poop off.
I'm going to explain it.
I know you've all been there.
A poop off is when you're out in public
and suddenly you've got to take a shit.
So you go to the public restroom and it's empty and you're like,
"Yes, I'm going to take the biggest dump in here."
You go into your stall, you take off your pants,
you settle in, you're about to do your business
and then you hear some other bitch walk in.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Now you're in a holding pattern.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
You hear her go into her stall, she takes off her pants, she settles in
and then everything goes silent.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
This is when you know you're officially in a poop off...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...because ain't nobody in here need to pee.
Everybody got to shit...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...and we can't co-shit with strangers.
Right? We're not animals or wildebeests
or men. I know you guys can.
You guys have no problem just shitting.
You guys could be ten in a stall.
Shit! Shit, shit, shit, shit.
You guys are having shit Olympics in there.
You don't give a fuck.
No, ladies, we're a little bit more genteel.
We know the rules.
One lady gets to shit now, the other bitch has to go away and shit later.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And whoever sits there silently longer wins the poop off.
We all know this.
So I won. I won the poop off.
I sat there gritting my teeth, holding my sphincter...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...for five minutes.
I was like, "Argh..."
Finally, I hear this woman go... [GROANS]
She gets up, she puts on her pants, she kicks open the door of the stall,
she washes her hands and then on her way out,
she does the most petty thing I have ever experienced in my life.
She turns the light off!
-[SCREAMING] What! -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Boom!
What kinda diabolical shit is this!
What kinda psycho comic book villain are you?
What kind of crazy Hannibal Lecter fucked up human are you?
Now I got to shit in the dark!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I'm fumbling for the toilet roll.
I'm hoping the wipe is good.
As I'm making my way for the door, I'm like, "Oh, lady,
"I may have won the poop off, but you won the war."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I travel all over the country and all over the world to do stand-up comedy.
I have done stand-up comedy in so many different situations.
I was once invited to do stand-up comedy at a couples resort.
You know, they have these things like they're in the Poconos.
They're just huge hotel resorts.
Just made for couples to like, have sex and ride horses.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
For some reason, there's always horses.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And they try to make it romantic for couples.
So everything's covered in rose petals and everything's heart shaped.
Let me tell you something, everything that makes a couples resort
romantic for couples
is depressing when you're there by yourself.
I walked into my hotel room.
My room had no windows.
Just mirrors.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Every wall was a mirror.
Which I guess is great if you're getting it on.
Not so much if you're eating Cheetos alone in bed.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I was like, "Oh, my God." [CHOMPING] "This is terrible."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -[CHOMPING]
I need to do some sit ups. [CHOMPING]
Am I going gray?
-[CHOMPING] -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I was on the fence about taping this special tonight,
because they called me three weeks ago and they were like, "Hey,
"we want to tape your comedy special."
And I... You know, it's a dream.
As a stand-up comedian, it's your dream to get offered a big comedy special.
You're like, "Get the special.
"I'm going to compile all my best jokes.
"I'm going to work on it and practice and practice.
"I'm going to buy a new outfit. I'm going to lose ten pounds."
No. They called me three weeks ago, I was like,
"Oh..."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Sure, it's not like I've been in the fetal position for a year and a half."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Let me wipe the potato chip dust off of my face..."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
-"Put on four pairs of Spanx..." -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"...and see what comes out of my mouth. Let's do it."
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -[APPLAUDING]
Thank you so much.
-[CROWD CHEERING] -[APPLAUDING]
Thank you so much for being part of this.
This was amazing.
-[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] -[CROWD CHEERING]
Thank you!
-[APPLAUDING CONTINUES] -[CHEERING CONTINUES]