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Do you sometimes feel like you’re being swallowed by the mist?
Driven like our heroin into a more obscure,
silent yet deafening land?
This is a journey of hell, fear, strange debauchery
and guilt that most people call the life.
Can you take it?
Can you deal with your own ghouls and spectres?
Don’t move from your seats or coffins:
in one hour sharp,
your favourite TV host Seth Lamoor will be gracing your screens.
Joined by guest Oliver Sim to discuss his first solo release…
I should be stronger than this
I should have a handle on it
I know all of the tricks
The crudest magic
Yet every step that I get closer
I can watch your eyes notice
As I slip into focus
But somewhere from a distance
Did I fool you into thinking
I was a Confident man
Confident man
Confident confident man
Somewhere from a distance
Did I fool you into thinking?
Somewhere from a distance
Did I fool you into thinking?
Oli you told me about a… a dark heart.
What is that?
I know it was created from fear.
Fear of being different, fear of being judged.
Fear of others…
If you could visualize this fear, this inner monster.
What would it look like?
It takes so many faces.
It can be merely a monstrous child crying out for help.
Or it can be as big and powerful as a werewolf.
But most of the time it’s just lost in the mist.
With no goals and sad eyes.
Okay, wow.
Talking about your fears,
how long have you been dealing with them?
I think they’ve always been here.
But I had a happy childhood, loving family.
Can I just say your outfit is in-credible.
I imagine you always had this kind of taste?
I mean can you describe yourself as a child?
I think my Mum would describe it as I wasn’t part of the football crowd.
All that meant was I didn’t play football with the other boys.
I was maybe a bit more sensitive.
- But I was definitely a femme kid - Hey sweetie.
and that is something I loved about myself,
felt like my superpower.
I was obsessed with female rage.
Whether be Ripley in Alien or Carrie or Jamie Lee Curtis in Halloween.
- Women that could be feminine and sexy - What are you watching?
- but still… powerful and strong. - I feel like it's me.
All things I wanted to be but maybe didn’t feel like I could be.
Did you feel like you could share that with anyone?
At home yeah. I lived in a house full of strong women.
My mum, my sister.
I could make dance routines in the living room,
I could be as femme as I wanted to be at home.
It was my castle.
What does your bedroom look like? Could you describe your childhood bedroom?
My room was equal parts little boy,
equal parts hand-me-downs from my sister.
I used to watch horror VHS’s all the time.
But at the same time I had… this beautiful pink mic that I loved.
I was obsessed with space
so my wallpaper was filled with stars and planets.
I had dinosaurs.
I can vividly remember this giant teddy bear near to my bed.
He would protect me from all my imaginary monsters
I could see from my window whilst I was trying to sleep.
And this terrifying mask with feathers on it.
I used it to dress up as the terrors I watched on my TV.
If you could meet yourself as a kid right now,
what would you say?
Far too fem
Surrounded by rocks
You’re gonna look the gem
You can dress it away
Talk it away
Dull down the flame
But it’s all pretend
It’s all pretend
What would my…
What would my father do?
Do I take a bite
Take a bite of the fruit?
I’ve heard other people say
It can’t be right if it cause you shame
Have I made you proud
Take a look at me now
If I’ve got my father’s eyes
I’ve got my mother’s smile
Wrong or right
You’re standing right in front of a green light
Just look at his face
What a beautiful face
How it makes you feel inside
Take a bite babe
It’s an ordinary thing
Take a bite babe
It’s an ordinary thing
What would my father do?
Do I take a bite
Take a bite of the fruit?
Have I made you proud
Take a look at me now
If I’ve got my father’s eyes
I’ve got my mother’s smile
Have I made you proud
Take a look at me now
If I’ve got my father’s eyes
I’ve got my mother’s smile
Hey, hey come here.
What a fucking freak! He looks so weird.
Shit.
I’m ugly
I’m up and down right now
I’m down and bloody
But I don’t feel as though I’ve been unlucky
I have people in my life that really love me
Caught my reflection in your eye
Now you’ve seen me from both sides
Am I hideous?
My tears naturally dry
On exposure to the light
Am I hideous?
Oh, I Hide
Though the company at home can be unkind
Yet I live alone and refuse to go outside
How dare I feel so lonely
When I’m giving all my time
To a man who doesn’t know me
Why don’t you leave me in the dirt
I’ve been sick and I’m perverse
Oh, I’m hideous
If I’ve had you at your worst
It was easy in return
Oh, I’m hideous
Follow my voice
Sweet nature boy
Just to keep you safe
Listen for me
Be brave
Have trust
Just be willing to be loved
Radical honesty might set me free
If it makes me hideous
Been living with HIV
Since seventeen
Am I hideous?