Downloaded from YTS.MX
[door creaks]
MONET: And don't forget, I only drink
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
the sparkling holy water.
It needs bubbles and a blessing.
Okay? - [chuckles]
- Sorry I'm late.
- Ah, we're used to it by now.
We all know you run on-- - Watch it.
- Drag time.
MONET: Mm-hmm.
Now, where's the closet?
GINGER: Oh, there is no closet.
Just hang it on one of those rusty nails over there.
- Rusty Nails.
Whatever happened to that queen?
- She died...
of tetanus. [trumpet "wah-wahs"]
- So is there no mini fridge for my homemade hummus
and my little organic baby carrots?
- No, but you're in luck.
It's colder than a witch's tit back here.
Come on, focus on the bright side.
At least we both have a light bulb this time.
- Bitch, I got two.
[laughs] - [laughs mockingly]
We also have that creepy old TV in the corner.
[dramatic musical sting]
- Girl, this thing is so old,
it probably gets three channels:
straight, white, and privileged.
- [chuckles] - [scoffs]
We can't even watch The Handmaid's Tale.
- We don't need to watch it.
We are living it.
[dramatic musical sting] - [screams]
[ominous music]
Oh, hell no.
- That can't be good.
Turn it off. Turn it off.
- Bitch, how? It's not even plugged in.
- I don't know, just do your stand-up routine.
It always turns me off
TELEVISION: Harder.
- Did you just hear that?
TELEVISION: Harder.
- This TV is kinky.
TELEVISION: Slap my backside. - [laughs]
- Don't threaten me with a good time,
Mr. Standard Def-- - No, no, no, no.
Monét, no, no.
If I've learned anything in my life, it is,
do not wear white after Labor Day
and never mess with horny talking TVs.
♪ ♪
[both sigh]
That was weird, right?
- Yeah, really weird.
[eerie music]
♪ ♪
- You're on in ten.
Oh, and I forgot to mention,
whatever you do,
do not touch that old TV.
♪ ♪
Break a leg, ladies.
BOTH: Now a warning?
[both gasp]
TELEVISION: I want you inside me.
♪ ♪
[TV belches]
[spooky organ music]
[thunder rumbling]
- Toto, I don't think
we're in West Hollywood anymore.
- Where the hell are we?
- Well, duh, we're obviously in a subatomic, microcosmic,
parallel quantum universe, silly.
- Is that the same as an NFT?
Monét, be careful what you touch!
Did you learn nothing from that demonic TV?
Ahh! A pretty book! Move.
- No, no, no, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait!
- Oh, relax.
Maybe this dusty old book will tell us why we're here.
- What does it say?
- It's a script for The Huluween Drag Special,
"a comedic romp through horror TV and movie tropes
"designed to promote Hulu's celebration of Halloween
"in a fun and entertaining way.
Only on Hulu."
- That is an awful title.
I would've gone with something like...
The Huluween Dragstravaganza.
[squeaks] - Yeah. Yeah.
Ooh, this says,
"Host this variety show, or die."
What do you think that means?
- I'm not a linguistics expert, Mary,
but I think it means that if we don't host the show,
we're gonna die!
- Oh, yeah.
Well, if they want me to host,
they're gonna have to ask my agent.
I don't even think I'm available.
[demonic screaming]
Good news: I'm available.
- Okay, well, if only there was
some big over-the-top opening number
to help explain what all of this was about.
- ♪ There's something chilling in the atmosphere ♪
- ♪ Surrounded by so many horrors here ♪
- What'd you call me?
- ♪ With all this ass, we cannot hide ♪
- ♪ And in these heels, we cannot run ♪
BOTH: ♪ It seems the nightmare's just begun ♪
[thunder cracks]
[upbeat spooky music]
♪ We've been dragged to a world full of fright ♪
- ♪ Of things that creep and crawl ♪
♪ And go bump in the night ♪
- ♪ It's glam and it's gore ♪
- ♪ It's bloody couture ♪
BOTH: ♪ And every freaky thing we've ever seen before ♪
MONET: ♪ Dungeons, demons, goblins, and ghoul ♪
- ♪ Is it wrong to say the werewolf's arms ♪
♪ Are making me drool? ♪
MONET: ♪ It's crass and it's camp ♪
GINGER: ♪ It's monsters and vamps ♪
- ♪ Wearing chains and leather and some nipple clamps ♪
Oh, y'all are kinky. Okay.
ALL: ♪ This is a Huluween Dragstravaganza ♪
♪ Huluween, lost in the land of ♪
♪ Huluween Dragstravaganza ♪
♪ Will we survive? Will we make it out alive? ♪
♪ ♪
BOTH: ♪ Strap on in and get ready to play ♪
- ♪ If it's a slasher they want ♪
♪ Then girl, we're gonna slay ♪
- ♪ So stick to the script ♪
- ♪ Or it's straight to the crypt ♪
- ♪ It's gonna take some balls, and I'm fully-equipped ♪
BOTH: ♪ Zombies and chainsaws and hexes and witches ♪
♪ Torture devices and blonde screaming bitches ♪
- ♪ Dolls that turned evil and bloodthirsty aliens ♪
- ♪ And maybe if we're lucky, a hot, murderous Australian ♪
- Oh, he can thunder my down under.
ALL: ♪ This is a Huluween Dragstravaganza ♪
♪ Huluween, lost in the land of ♪
♪ Huluween Dragstravaganza ♪
♪ Will we survive? Will we make it out alive? ♪
- All right, if we're gonna host this thing,
we're gonna need all the help we can get.
♪ First an old friend, she's filthy and funny ♪
- ♪ Brush off the dust, here comes Lady Bunny ♪
- ♪ Mean like a serpent and sweet like vanilla ♪
- ♪ Well, lick me and fold me and call me Manila ♪
- ♪ Straight from Long Island, Mo Heart's got the flow ♪
- ♪ Evil stands no chance here ♪
♪ Now here's the merlot? ♪
- ♪ Double, double, Spanx and stubble ♪
- ♪ Jackie's arrived to beat off some trouble ♪
- ♪ Selene Luna is one dangerous queen ♪
- ♪ I'm raising the dead, if you know what I mean ♪
- ♪ This creature's a beauty ♪
♪ She's fierce and she's cunning ♪
- ♪ It's Jujubee's jubilee, and everyone's coming ♪
- ♪ Landon Cider approaches, a deadly drag king ♪
- ♪ Call me Huluween Daddy ♪
♪ That's got a nice ring ♪
- ♪ Gay Uncle Mario is deep in your mind ♪
- ♪ I bite and I scratch and I stab from behind ♪
- ♪ I'm Ginger Minj ♪
- ♪ I'm Monét X Change ♪
BOTH: ♪ And we're gonna raise hell ♪
♪ The Huluween way ♪
ALL: ♪ This is a Huluween Dragstravaganza ♪
♪ Huluween, lost in the land of ♪
♪ Huluween Dragstravaganza ♪
♪ Will we survive, will we make it out a ♪
♪ Make it out a ♪
♪ Make it out alive? ♪
[wolf howls] [thunder rumbles]
- oh, my God. [breathing heavily]
Aww, thank you.
- Well, now we know what this is all about.
- We do?
- Yeah, this whole thing is a tribute
to all the creepy shows and scary movies
you can watch on Hulu during Huluween.
- And Huluween is...
- A celebration of Halloween on Hulu.
Do we gotta do that whole opening number again?
- No. No, please. No. I understand.
This is all about Hulu,
which means these must be the evil extensions
from the Hulu original hit movie,
Bad Hair.
MONET: Unbe-weave-able. GINGER: Oh.
[gasps] And this pretty gold-plated box...
- Be careful with that.
This is the puzzle box from Hellraiser,
the new original movie streaming this Huluween.
- Oh.
What the hell are those?
MONET: Like you don't know
- Girl, I do not need padding back there.
- Then they must be the ass cheeks from Fresh.
- Also streaming on Hulu.
I'm sensing a theme. [chuckles]
So what's next?
- Oh, let's see.
It says here,
"It's time for our first commercial break."
- Oh, thank God.
I gotta pee. - Me too.
- Come on. Let's go together. - Yeah.
[static crackles]
- Hey, boos.
Are you all alone on Halloween?
- Are you dying to have a good time?
- Good time. [moans]
- Call Ghoul Talk now and talk to live girls.
- And some not-so-live girls.
[sultry music]
- Witches. Vampires.
- Porcelain dolls possessed by the tormented souls
of brutally murdered Victorian-era prostitutes.
- I'm waiting to eat your face.
- Are you all alone? Somewhere secluded?
- It's okay. Give us your address.
BUNNY: We've got every monster your filthy mind can imagine.
Ghosts. Zombies.
- Social media influencers?
- I know a lot of you have been asking
about my skincare routine.
[both hiss]
- Don't waste your time in bed with a boring bag of bones.
- We'll keep you up all night long.
[screams]
- Call now.
We'll have a hell of a good time.
[cackles maniacally]
ANNOUNCER: Calls are $6.66 cents a minute.
Interdimensional rates may apply.
Ghoul Talk is not responsible for rotting flesh,
uncontrollable vomiting, spontaneous combustion,
or STDs such as ghost gonorrhea,
Halloween herpes, or pumpkin spice pox.
GINGER: This is cute.
- Oh, honey, we're back.
[both laugh] - I knew that.
[glass shatters] [cat yowls]
- What does Miss Book say is next?
- [as Winnifred Sanderson] ♪ Book ♪
- Ooh. Mm. Mm-mm-mm. Mm-mm.
GINGER: What? It worked for Bette Midler.
- Yeah, a lot of things work for Bette Midler
that clearly don't work for you.
- It says, "This isn't rocket surgery.
"Just do another short sketch followed by another song,
you dumb bitch."
- Did that book just read me?
[thunderclap]
JACKIE: Ugh, I can't believe I didn't have
a single trick-or-treater.
That's 13 years in a row.
What am I gonna do with all this candy?
[laughing]
[phone shrieks] [screams]
Hello?
[scoffs]
Look, if you're trying to scare me,
it's not gonna work, all right?
- [voice breathing heavily]
- I know someone's on the line. I can hear you breathing.
VOICE: Caw. Caw.
- Dad?
VOICE: What's your favorite scary movie?
- I don't know, The Ten Commandments?
- You're no fun, Jackie! It's me, Mo.
- Oh, very funny, bitch.
I knew it was you the whole time.
I'd recognize that man voice anywhere, right?
- Please tell me you're not home,
all alone, again.
- Well, you know that new guy I've been dating?
Turns out that Halloween is his busiest night of the year.
So yes, for your information, I am home,
alone, again.
I hope you're happy.
- Oh, Jackie, that doesn't make me happy.
This isn't a competition.
But I win.
Wait, is this that mysterious Eastern European gentleman
you were telling me about?
[thunder cracks]
- Mm-hmm.
- Girl, spill the tea!
- Shut up. Your part's over.
[soft piano music]
♪ ♪
No, Jackie.
♪ I met a guy ♪
♪ In the twilight ♪
♪ I must admit it was love at first bite ♪
♪ He's got a widow's peak instead of bangs ♪
♪ And a real long, long, long ♪
♪ Set of fangs ♪
♪ Almost nightly, he'll wine and dine me ♪
♪ Can't see him in the mirror ♪
♪ When he's right behind me ♪
♪ Hates the sun, but he makes me feel young ♪
♪ And when he's hanging upside down ♪
♪ He's so well hung ♪
♪ Oh, dating a vampire sucks ♪
♪ He asked me, "Do you come here often?" ♪
♪ Then we did it in his coffin ♪
♪ Dating a vampire sucks ♪
♪ Last time he bit me, he got stuck ♪
♪ Don't judge me, I just wanna f-- ♪
- Find a cute restaurant or have a picnic in the park.
I don't know, something nice.
- ♪ Sat me down ♪
♪ Said he must confess ♪
♪ Told me he's been seeing other people's necks ♪
♪ But I never get enough ♪
♪ All my girlfriends think I'm nuts ♪
♪ 'Cause dating a vampire "sucks" ♪
♪ Pretty sure ♪
♪ He's a vegan ♪
♪ 'Cause my baby doesn't like steaks ♪
♪ But he guzzles Bloody Marys ♪
♪ He's so thirsty that it's scary ♪
♪ And he sucks my juice just like I'm a grape ♪
- Listen, I'm not complaining.
Why do you think I put up with this freak?
JACKIE: ♪ When he whispers he loves me to death ♪
♪ I always swoon because of his bad breath ♪
- [groans]
- ♪ Dating a vampire sucks ♪
♪ I've got one question, can I ask it? ♪
♪ Should I move into his casket? ♪
♪ Dating a vampire sucks ♪
♪ Listen, I know what you're thinking ♪
♪ "Bitch, he hung out with Abe Lincoln" ♪
- Too soon?
- ♪ This relationship really bites ♪
♪ Goes for the jugular when we get in fights ♪
- But I kinda like it rough.
- ♪ No sweats or high top Chucks ♪
♪ No, he's always in a tux, yeah ♪
♪ Dating a vampire sucks ♪
♪ Oh, sometimes you take the good with the bad ♪
♪ He's a pain in the neck ♪
♪ But he's still the best I've ever had ♪
[groans] ♪ Dating a vampire sucks ♪
- Now I have to wear a turtleneck 24/7.
- ♪ Dating a vampire sucks ♪
- Who has Italian food with no garlic?
- ♪ Dating a vampire sucks ♪
- Good luck finding SPF 1,500.
- ♪ Dating a vampire sucks ♪
- What?
- That was...dreadful.
- Oh, I thought it was beautiful.
- You also think pineapple belongs on pizza.
- Well, how else am I supposed to get
my daily serving of fruit?
Why are you on your phone?
- I'm creating a social media post.
- Now?
You think now is the best time to do that?
- Uh, I'm pretty sure being sucked into a magical TV
and being transported to wherever the hell this is
is beyond post-worthy.
And besides, it's so easy
to create stunning posts and more using Canva,
amazing tools right at your fingertips.
[bell dings]
- Did you just do a product placement?
- This would not be a drag variety show
without at least one product integration.
- Huh.
Ooh! [gasps] Look what I found.
[choir sings] It's an old TV remote.
- Don't... - I wonder if it still works.
- Touch it! [static crackles]
- Good morning, everyone, and welcome to ZNN,
the Zombie News Network,
your live coverage of everything dead.
I'm Fluffy McDaniels,
and here are today's top stories.
First, let's join reporter Jorge Romero
at the annual zombie pride celebration
being held downtown.
Jorge?
- [moaning]
[both moaning]
- Back to you in the studio, Fluffy.
- Huh?
- Thanks, Jorge.
Looks like everyone's having so much fun.
I'd give my right arm to be there with you.
And now, let's take a look at today's weather
with meteorologist Sue Nawmi.
- Thanks, Fluffy.
Today's weather report is brought to you
by brains, delicious, juicy brains.
In an omelet, a burrito, or even fresh out of the skull.
Make the smart choice
and give in to your brain cravings today.
- Mm, sounds yummy, Sue.
What's it like out there?
- Once again, another scorcher, Fluffy,
with a high of 101 degrees.
If you're outside, I'm sure you can smell
the unbearable stench
of melting human corpses in the streets.
While that may be repulsive to some,
I'm sure others are making the most of it
and turning it into a barbecue.
Oh, looks like another one got in.
Back to you, Fluffy.
- Thanks, Sue.
Uh, well, uh, looks like we're gonna wrap early today.
Thanks so much for watching.
I'm Fluffy McDaniels, reminding you all
that zombies eat brains.
So don't read, don't be informed,
and stay stupid.
Have a great day.
[zombie moaning]
Taylor, we lost another camera op.
- Wow, that last thing was a real think piece.
- Yeah, I think I need a piece of that Fluffy McDaniels.
Okay. - Monét, stop.
You're giving me a boner.
- You've gone too far.
- What? No, don't change that channel--
- Welcome back to the big, gruesome finale
of The Next American Slasher.
I'm your host, Twink Martindale.
All right. It has all come down to this.
Our top three madams of mayhem
will be competing to be crowned
this season's Next American Slasher.
America, this is your last chance
to cast your votes online and set the winner free
back into society, because why not?
This world is terrifying. [laughs]
But before we do that,
let's take one last look back at our contestants' journey.
- I'm Ivana Killyoo.
I'm...23.
I know I have what it takes to be the Next American Slasher
because--well, how do I put this politely?
I'm batshit insane!
[cackles]
I didn't come here to make friends.
I came here to bury them.
[cackling]
- I'm Sybil Pleatherface.
I'm also 23.
And what I've learned most during this competition
is that human skin is really hard to sew.
[screaming] Fashion is my life,
and I look up to the greats before me.
Uh, Yves Saint Laurent. Coco Chanel.
Ed Gein.
Google it, darlings.
- Hi, honey. My name is Cannabelle,
and I too am 23.
Now, I came to eat up the competition, literally.
Some people say revenge is a dish best served cold,
but I prefer to put it in the oven
at 425 for 30 minutes.
[oven dings] [screaming]
- Well, ladies, this is it.
Your final performance and final opportunity
to win votes from our viewing audience.
Let's hear it for our final contestants
in The Next American Slasher.
[upbeat, spooky dance music]
♪ ♪
[screaming]
[cackling]
- ♪ I was a hand model, the best of the best ♪
♪ Every day, they were cutting those checks ♪
♪ I was on top, a big spender ♪
♪ Till my wig got caught in a blender ♪
♪ I panicked, I tried to get it out ♪
♪ But my hand got stuck and never came out ♪
♪ Now I innovate, got a hook for a hand ♪
♪ And I made my ugly feet my brand ♪
♪ I hook 'em with my looks ♪
♪ Then I hook 'em with my hook ♪
♪ I drain the blood and the bank accounts ♪
♪ Keep the millionaires shook ♪
♪ Are you ready? ♪
ALL: ♪ I'm the Next American Slasher ♪
♪ Watch your back 'cause your blood's what I'm after ♪
♪ Here, kitty cat, you might be fast, but I'm faster ♪
♪ Singing ayo, ayo, ayo ♪
♪ I'm gonna hunt you down ♪
♪ Ayo, ayo, ayo ♪
♪ I'm gonna hunt you down ♪
♪ Meow ♪
- ♪ Used to work at the mall from 9:00 to 5:00 ♪
♪ At Stuff-a-Plushie Workshop, plush for life ♪
♪ Loved my job till a Karen complained ♪
♪ It's not my fault that I went insane ♪
♪ Poor little Timmy's without his mama ♪
♪ But he's better off without her drama ♪
♪ I scooped out her blood and her guts and her bones ♪
♪ Stuffed her with cotton, sewed her mouth closed ♪
♪ I got my own start-up, I work from home ♪
♪ Sewing up Karen, selling her clothes ♪
♪ It's not a lot, but it's an honest life ♪
♪ And now I know my way around a knife ♪
ALL: ♪ I'm the Next American Slasher ♪
♪ Watch your back 'cause your blood's what I'm after ♪
♪ Here, kitty cat, you might be fast, but I'm faster ♪
♪ Singing ayo, ayo, ayo ♪
♪ I'm gonna hunt you down ♪
♪ Ayo, ayo, ayo ♪
♪ I'm gonna hunt you down ♪
♪ Meow ♪
OPERATOR: 911, what's your emergency?
- ♪ My best friend said we'd be friends for life ♪
♪ Till she took my man, so she had to die ♪
♪ I chopped her up and took a bite ♪
♪ Yeah, the bitch was damn good over rice ♪
♪ Dead is dead and facts is facts ♪
♪ I'ma eat your mom, I'ma eat your dad ♪
♪ I'ma make you watch and eat you last ♪
♪ 'Cause, honey, I'm a cannibal like that ♪
♪ Painted for the cell block, painted for the walk off ♪
♪ Painted for the murders till I can't talk, talk ♪
♪ Killer looks, killer hooks ♪
♪ Nails studded and sharp ♪
♪ Leave 'em dead, leave 'em cold ♪
♪ Murder weapons in the front, in the back ♪
♪ Got my fork, got my knife, I'ma eat you alive ♪
♪ Can't let good meat go to waste ♪
♪ Got that cannibal life, got that cannibal taste ♪
♪ Taste, taste, taste, taste, taste, taste, taste, taste ♪
ALL: ♪ I'm the Next American Slasher ♪
♪ Watch your back 'cause your blood's what I'm after ♪
♪ Here, kitty cat, you might be fast, but I'm faster ♪
♪ Singing ayo, ayo, ayo ♪
♪ I'm gonna hunt you down ♪
♪ Ayo, ayo, ayo ♪
♪ I'm gonna hunt you down ♪
♪ Meow ♪
- That was disturbing yet fun.
- Yeah, kind of like my last colonoscopy.
- Speaking of anal probing,
we've seen all sorts of scary things today.
Vampires, zombies, Lady Bunny changing outfits.
[shudders]
But we haven't seen any creatures from outer space.
- What, aliens? Girl, aliens are not real.
Although Jackie Beat might be from another planet.
- They say the truth is out there.
- Out where?
I think I lost my truth in the back of a pickup truck.
- When it comes to this topic,
I think you and I are just polar opposites.
- Or are we more like...
BOTH: Solar Opposites?
- Something about today feels special.
- Hell yeah.
This is gonna be scary as shit, yo.
- [screaming]
I'll always hate this spooky-ass month.
Especially Halloween.
It's too haunting and spine-tingling.
- Too late. We've already committed.
- [screams]
JESSE: We dug up a body from a graveyard
and used dark sci-fi magic to bring it to life.
- [giggles]
- [cackles] - [screams]
- Oh, shit!
YUMYULACK: This is awesome!
KORVO: What is this, some sort of Halloween trick?
- I'm freaking out, man.
- [screaming]
[creatures shrieking]
- Your misery will be orchestrated
by the Dark Lord himself.
- [growling]
- Thanks for the update. Is there Wi-Fi here?
KORVO: Did you put up 10,000 flyers
promising money and free blow jobs
to anyone who brought us a corpse?
- Yes.
- Well, you better break out the Chap Stick, Terry.
It's gonna be a long night.
GHOUL: Some-bloody once told me
I ain't the sharpest ghoul in the dead.
- [screams] Wait, was that Smash Mouth?
- See, those aliens aren't scary.
- But they are highly entertaining.
- So what's next?
- It says here it's time for a musical guest,
but there's a cryptic message.
Keep Everything Super Huluween Always.
- The hell does that mean?
- It's obviously some sort of puzzle or code.
- Oh, I figured it out.
Our special musical guest is clearly Liza Minelli...
's mom, Bethany?
- Please forgive her.
Theydies and gentlethems...
BOTH: Kesha!
[wolf howling]
- ♪ I am cannibal ♪
[thunder rumbling]
♪ I am cannibal ♪
[Kesha's "Cannibal"]
[growling, howling]
♪ ♪
♪ I have a heart, I swear I do ♪
♪ But just not, baby, when it comes to you ♪
♪ I get so hungry when you say you love me ♪
♪ Hush, if you can know what's good for you ♪
♪ I think you're hot, I think you're cool ♪
♪ You're the kind of guy I'd stalk in school ♪
♪ But now that I'm famous, you're up my anus ♪
♪ Now, boy, I'm gonna eat you, fool ♪
♪ I eat boys up, breakfast and lunch ♪
♪ Then when I'm thirsty, I drink their blood ♪
♪ Carnivore, animal, I am a cannibal ♪
♪ I eat boys up, you better run ♪
♪ I am cannibal ♪
♪ I am
♪ I am cannibal ♪
♪ I'll eat you up ♪
♪ I am ♪
♪ I am cannibal ♪
♪ I am ♪
♪ I am cannibal ♪
♪ I'll eat you up ♪
♪ Whenever you tell me I'm pretty ♪
♪ That's when the hunger really hits me ♪
♪ Your little heart goes pitter-patter ♪
♪ I'll put your liver on a platter ♪
♪ Use your finger to stir my tea ♪
♪ And for dessert, I'll suck your teeth ♪
♪ Be too sweet and you'll be a goner ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I eat boys up, breakfast and lunch ♪
♪ Then when I'm thirsty, I drink their blood ♪
♪ Carnivore, animal, I am a cannibal ♪
♪ I eat boys up, you better run ♪
♪ I am cannibal ♪
♪ I am
♪ I am cannibal ♪
♪ I'll eat you up ♪
♪ I am ♪
♪ I am cannibal ♪
♪ I am ♪
♪ I am cannibal ♪
♪ I'll eat you up ♪
[howling]
♪ ♪
[thunder rumbling]
♪ ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa-oh ♪
♪ I am cannibal ♪
♪ I am
♪ I am cannibal ♪
♪ I'll eat you up ♪
♪ I am ♪
♪ I am cannibal ♪
♪ I am ♪
♪ I am cannibal ♪
♪ I'll eat you up ♪
♪ ♪
- Well, according to the interwebs,
people are really falling into the Huluween spirit.
They're loving the show. - I know.
Look at some of these comments.
"Hilarious Huluween hijinks." - Yas!
- "Living for the musical numbers."
- Word.
- "Everyone looks so stunning." - Stunning!
- "Especially Ginger Minj.
"She's the funniest.
Oh, and the prettiest."
- Girl, you posted that.
- Yeah, prove it, bitch.
- "Fierce." "She's living."
"She dead."
"Boots the house down."
"Work, mama," blah, blah, blah--
uh-oh.
- Uh-oh?
What "uh-uh"?
- "So I'm watching werewolves and vampires and zombies,
"like, prance across my screen, but as per usual,
mummies have been left out of the festivities."
- OMG, they're right. - Yeah.
- Well, you know what we have to do now.
- Give 'em a showstopping number featuring mummies?
- Heck yes, we do. - Mm-hmm.
- But on such short notice, where are we gonna find
two ancient creatures all wrapped up in themselves?
[gasps]
BOTH: Bunny and Jackie.
[doors creak]
[upbeat music]
♪ You can tell by our style, been around quite a while ♪
♪ King Tut was the first guy to hire us ♪
♪ Just your dusty old hacks, we are both artifacts ♪
♪ Girl, I sent my first nude on papyrus ♪
- ♪ We know all of the tricks, wrote them in hieroglyphs ♪
♪ I invented that, so don't make me sue ya ♪
♪ Maybe older than dirt with cobwebs under our skirt ♪
BOTH: ♪ In any century, you know we'll outdo ya ♪
♪ Everybody loves their mummy ♪
♪ You know Mama knows best ♪
♪ Better say you love your mummy ♪
♪ 'Cause you can't kill what's dead ♪
♪ Who's your mummy? Who's your mummy? ♪
♪ Screw your daddy, who's your mummy? ♪
- ♪ Say I'm your mummy ♪
- ♪ No, I'm your mummy ♪
- Screw you, Bunny.
- No thanks, honey.
♪ We've been best friend, you see ♪
♪ Since, like, 30 B. C. ♪
♪ Except briefly when that guy came between us ♪
♪ Now our golden rule goes ♪
♪ Simply hos before bros ♪
♪ Or in other words, pals before penis ♪
- ♪ What you may not know is ♪
♪ I almost gave up showbiz ♪
♪ For that same con man's real estate dream ♪
♪ But he was stealing from me ♪
♪ 'Cause it turned out to be ♪
BOTH: ♪ The very first pyramid scheme ♪
[rimshot]
♪ Everybody loves their mummy ♪
♪ You know Mama knows best ♪
♪ You better say you love your mummy ♪
♪ 'Cause you can't kill what's dead ♪
♪ Who's your mummy? Who's your mummy? ♪
♪ Screw your daddy, who's your mummy? ♪
- ♪ Say I'm your mummy ♪
- ♪ No, I'm your mummy ♪
BOTH: ♪ Who's your mummy? Who's your mummy? ♪
♪ I'm your mummy, I'm your mummy ♪
♪ You claim to be my mummy ♪
♪ But you look more like my daddy ♪
- We're just a couple of old farts.
[both mimic flatulence] - See, we even Tut-in-common.
- ♪ Once a gal counts three chins ♪
♪ Then the surgery begins ♪
♪ But each nip and tuck is well-deserved ♪
♪ We're like quality ham or a prize-winning jam ♪
♪ In the fact that we're so well-preserved ♪
- ♪ We've been stapled and snapped ♪
♪ But once we're unwrapped, you may fail to recognize us ♪
♪ When you see our new face and it comes time to praise ♪
BOTH: ♪ Don't Cleo-patronize us ♪
[trombone "wah-wahs"
♪ Everybody loves their mummy ♪
♪ You know Mama knows best ♪
♪ Better say you love your mummy ♪
♪ Or we might get undressed ♪
♪ Who's your mummy? Who's your mummy? ♪
- ♪ I'm your sister and your mummy ♪
- ♪ Say I'm your mummy ♪
- ♪ No, I'm your mummy ♪
BOTH: ♪ Who's your mummy? Who's your mummy? ♪
♪ I'm your mummy, I'm your mummy ♪
- ♪ Damn, you're getting flabby ♪
- ♪ Girl, your makeup's looking crummy ♪
You've all heard of King Tut?
Well, say hello to Queen Slut.
- [laughs] You've all heard of Nefertiti.
Well, please welcome to the stage Heifer-titi.
[cow moos] - Hilarious.
Especially coming from Nefer-funny.
- You're so old, you swam in the Dead Sea
when it was still getting sick.
- You put the mess in Mesopotamia.
- You put the not funny in this show.
- Kiss my ass.
- Listen, this number may be long and boring
and feature dusty old jokes,
but it does have one thing going for it.
- Yeah, it doesn't feature Ginger or Monét.
- Wow.
That was a lot of dad jokes from two old mummies.
- Yes, but it did the trick.
Look, the mummy community was thrilled with the number.
- Mm, not everybody was thrilled, girl.
No, username IHateEverything said,
"This Egyptian number sphinx."
- Everyone's a critic.
- Well, the good news is, none of us ever have to sit
through that number again.
- The bad news is, we're still trapped here in this nightmare
where either one of us can be slaughtered at any moment!
I'd much rather be home watching Huluween
than being stuck inside it.
- I know, tell me a--
oh, you're just gonna walk away.
Okay.
Haven't we fulfilled all of the commitments
of hosting a Huluween drag show?
I mean, we've been through every page in this book.
- Then why are we trapped here?
Hello?
We'd like to go home now.
- Wait!
There's a page missing.
Somebody ripped it out.
What kind of an idiot would do such a thing?
- I don't know, but if I get my hands on them, girl,
I'm gonna let them have it.
Oh. [laughs]
What? I had to write
the werewolf's number down somewhere.
- Mm-hmm.
Never mind. What does it say?
- I'm not giving you his number.
- The other side.
- Oh, it says,
"No self-respecting Huluween drag variety show
"can end without a big, splashy musical finale
featuring all the cast members."
- Even the tone-deaf ones with two left feet?
- Yeah. Even you, bitch.
- [scoffs]
[spooky organ music]
Oh, there's the music!
I guess the finale's starting now.
- Oh, thank God.
Listen, I missed my sister's cousin's husband's
accountant's bris for this.
- It's all happening.
This really is the big finale.
- Is there any rule against taking a monster home with me?
- I don't know, but tighten your corset.
It's time.
♪ ♪
- Oh, my God, wait, is this the finale number?
- Wait, what?
- My pits are sweating.
Someone get me out of here.
- OMG, where are we? - What's happening?
- Yeah!
ALL: ♪ It's over ♪
♪ No more monsters looking over my shoulder ♪
♪ No more spooky songs 'cause this is the closer ♪
♪ And it's time to say goodbye to my friends ♪
♪ Let's not do this again, it's the end, girlfriend ♪
- The Dragstravaganza's over.
Time to go our separate ways.
- I can't believe we did it sober.
- Speak for yourself. I've been drunk for days.
- No, really, girls. That's it. We're done.
And we did it all with poise.
- Though we do have some thoughts
on Monét's fashion choice.
♪ ♪
- ♪ And now we say good night ♪
♪ To this world of fright ♪
- ♪ No monsters or TV for me ♪
BOTH: I'm free!
- Okay. Is it over?
- No? No?
I thought we done did everything in the book.
- You did, girl.
- But we've gotta sing at least one more chorus.
- Okay. A-one, two, three--
- [screams]
- Girl, what was that?
- I just wanted more screen time.
ALL: ♪ It's over ♪
♪ No more monsters looking over my shoulder ♪
♪ No more spooky songs 'cause this is the closer ♪
♪ And it's time to say goodbye to my friends ♪
♪ Let's not do this again, it's the end, girlfriend ♪
♪ No ghouls, no bats, nighty-night, it's over ♪
♪ We won't come back, nighty-night, it's over ♪
♪ No ghosts, just pass, nighty-night, it's over ♪
♪ We won't come back ♪
BUNNY: I'm getting back in my crypt.
ALL: ♪ No ghouls, no bats ♪ JACKIE: Nuh-uh.
ALL: ♪ Nighty-night, it's over ♪
♪ We won't come back, nighty-night, it's over ♪
♪ No ghosts, just pass, nighty-night, it's over ♪
♪ We won't come back ♪
BUNNY: Until next year!
ALL: ♪ It's over ♪
♪ No more monsters looking over my shoulder ♪
♪ No more spooky songs 'cause this is the closer ♪
♪ And it's time to say goodbye to my friends ♪
♪ Let's not do this again, it's the end, girlfriend ♪
- [breathing heavily] Something's happening.
I think it worked. This really is the end.
- Oh, farewell, everyone!
It's been real, but it's not been fun.
Ta-ta, bitches!
- Bye. - Suck it, Jackie.
- Finally, I haven't eaten, in, like 20 minutes.
- A world record for you.
ALL: ♪ Let's not do this again, it's the end, girlfriend ♪
[both gasping]
- [laughs] - We did it.
Key word, "we."
- Yes, yes, I think we both learned
a very valuable lesson here today.
- That, uh, cooperation and teamwork
are the only way to get through this crazy world?
- No, I learned that...
it's every bitch for herself.
- What are you gonna do, bedazzle me to death?
- You're toast, bitch.
- [gasps] No. No!
[knock at door] [gasps]
- Ladies, you're on.
MONET: Girl, get yourself together.
It was just a dream.
- Right. We still have a show to do.
- What do you say we go out there and knock 'em dead?
GINGER: I am not changing my shoes, though.
- Girl, me either.
[laughing sinisterly]
[ominous music]
♪ ♪