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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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Cleveland, Ohio!

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Thank you!

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Thank you so much.

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This is so great.

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This is so nice to be here
with you in public.

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We're not stuck at home
doing this for ten likes.

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Ah, that's right, you danced.
You know you did.

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It was a real blight on American history.

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No one wants to talk about how
they danced, but people danced.

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They're like, "If I do it enough,
it's my key to financial freedom."

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"I don't need to read a book."

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"I'll just do this for ten likes.
I hope it works out for me."

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No! You were never gonna
make money dancing on TikTok.

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You want to know why?
Because you're ugly.

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It's only for, like,
22-year-old smokin' hot girls.

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They're like, "It's a skill,"
and dude's finger going now.

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"Oh, good job, Chloe."

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Yeah.

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It was never gonna be
your financial future.

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We got a whole microgeneration
of kids now

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going for job interviews
at, like, Bank of America.

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"It says here under 'special skills,'
'Look up at Travis.'"

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He's…

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Nothing?

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The dancing on TikTok was never sexy

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independent of the app of TikTok, okay?

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There is no music in real life,
there is no editing.

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The dancing on TikTok was never sexy
independent of the app of TikTok.

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Gentlemen, that would be
very weird for you

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if you saw one of those dances
in the wild.

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You're out at a bar
and look over on the dance floor

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and you see a girl just…

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You'd be like, "Oh, no.
Hope she gets home okay."

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The dances on TikTok were never sexy
independent of the app of TikTok.

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Let's put this into some scene work.

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Before we get in the scene work,
I just want to acknowledge

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this is my sixth Netflix special,
and I built a career…

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Good night.

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I've built a career the last five specials
talking to people in general,

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but I always want girls to feel good,
to know that I'm on their side.

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Yeah, I want you to do well.

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Yeah.

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But, boys, that doesn't
mean I'm not on your side.

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I'm on no one's side.
I want everyone to do well.

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And, boys, I want you
to have the information

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and the wisdom nuggets that girls have,

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because I believe
you are half the problem.

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So come along, let me teach you.

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It occurs to me now, I'm 39.
I'm an elder millennial.

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I'm a mother. I have information.

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I remember dating,
why waste all this information?

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So, this is for the young men
in the crowd.

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We're talking 30, younger, okay?

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The rest of you boys will die
set in your ways, okay?

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For the young one.

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And the older guys are fine, they're like,
"Yeah, come and take it." Okay.

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The younger ones, give me your
squishy brains and let me help you, okay?

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Let me give you some pearls of wisdom
to make it easier with the girls.

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So, the dancing on TikTok was never sexy
independent of the app of TikTok.

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Gentlemen, let's say you get a girl
to go home with you.

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You get a girl to go back
to your apartment by the grace of God,

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and you bring her back.

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You should know, boys, first of all,
you get naked so fast.

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You're like, "Do you wanna have sex?"
The girl agrees, you sign the contract.

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It's all good, NDA, done.

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She has barely even said, like, "Okay,"
and you're like, "You ready?"

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It's like, "Is this <i>America's Got Talent?</i>"

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Like, quick change, naked.

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Uh-oh. Is that made of Velcro?

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You get naked so fast,

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and then it's uncomfortable
because we're sitting there as women,

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like, barely taking off our overalls.

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Like, "Oh, my God," and you are naked,
trying to make us comfortable, like,

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"Did you want a snack?" or…

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"You want soup?"

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"I have a cup of soup in the car."

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While we appreciate that,
you should know that's uncomfortable

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because there's us,
half-naked in the corner, nervous.

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You are hovering over us, naked,
trying to give us food.

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It feels like we've been kidnapped.

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"I promise you're gonna like it here."
Okay.

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Getting naked should be
a seductive dance, a back and forth.

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I take off my blouse,
you take off your blouse.

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I wonder why he's wearing
a blouse, whatever.

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Back and forth.

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Instead, girls get nervous.
Like, "Oh, don't look."

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"I know you're going to be inside me soon,
but don't look at me naked."

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He doesn't care.
"But I didn't shave here."

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He will rip it out with his teeth,
he doesn't fuckin' care.

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Have some confidence.

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Men have Sasquatch bodies,
and they're like, "Isn't it perfection?"

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And we're… sculpted like, "I'm hideous!
Oh, I didn't shave my legs!"

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He doesn't even know you have legs!

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He loves ya.

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Now you're going to get in bed.
Gentlemen, this is important.

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The way in which
one gets into the bed, okay?

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'Tis a dance.

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When you prepare the bed,

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it should require multiple gestures

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of pulling back multiple sheetsss.

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Ssss!

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Sheet, top sheet, duvet, duvet cover,
comforter, nano-blanket, teddy bear.

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Multiple. It's a workout, not you
grabbing a crusty sleeping bag, like,

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"Get it over."

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"Who sprayed this down with Febreze?
This is normally in the duck blind."

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Ohio likes that one.
"Yeah, we go huntin'."

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And then the way
you get into the bed, boys.

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This is paramount, okay?

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When you get in bed, it should be
a simple motion, it's just…

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…and then it's… …and then
one leg and then the other, okay?

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Now, what I'm about
to paint for you is a memory

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that a lot of women have suppressed,
and I'm gonna say it,

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and you're gonna be like,
"Oh, my God, Tom!"

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Like it's…

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Boys, you get so excited
that we're gonna have sex.

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The girl's trying to go to the bathroom,
the guy's like, "I'll meet you in bed."

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And then we see you hop into bed.

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Never. Don't get giddy, okay?

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This is a serious sexual experience.

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I don't want to see, "I'm Peter Pan!"
We never want to see…

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"Yippity-skippity!"

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We never want to see you fawnlike,
like, "Oh, I'm dainty," in the bed, okay?

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In my life, I've never been naked
and had both feet

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leave the ground.

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Do you know how big
that spider would have to be

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for me to just forget about physics?

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That spider would have to have a gun.

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Like, "Dance!"

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No!

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And now I'm going to say this.

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This is indelicate,
but it bears being said.

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Gentlemen, when you "yippy-skippy"
into the bed,

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you know, you've got to clear the mattress

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so the human body naturally rounds,
your spine naturally rounds,

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and you hunch over to dive in,
and I'm just gonna say it,

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"We can see your butthole."

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Don't want to see that.

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That's not nice, okay?

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I just ruined so many rides home tonight.

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"Did you see my butthole?"

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"Susan, did you see my asshole?
I need to know!"

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Don't make us see that.
That's a lot to reckon with, okay?

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As it is, we're fine with your body.
We don't want to see--

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It's too intimate.
We don't even know how much we like you.

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We don't even know
if we're going to be together.

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We already know the sex
will most likely be mediocre for the girl.

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And then if she accidentally
gets pregnant, depending on the state,

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she will be forced
to carry that child to term.

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Just so we're clear and it's on record,
fiercely pro-choice.

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There is no other way to be,
and if you want to…

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-Oh, yeah.

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I hope this goes around the world.

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And if you, for whatever reason
your heart desires,

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you want to keep your baby, that is fine,
I want you to keep your baby.

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Just don't make that choice
for other women, okay?

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Okay.

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Okay.

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Back to the butthole jokes.

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So…

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He's in bed.
He buttholed, he daintied.

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He's in the bed,
the girl's in the bathroom.

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The premise of this joke, gentlemen,
is TikTok dances are not sexual

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independent of the app of TikTok.

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The dances are not sexy.
It would be weird for you boys.

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You're in your weird bed, and the girl
comes out and she's fully naked,

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and she's just like…

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He's like, "You look good.
Why don't you get in bed?"

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"Oh, I'm going to."

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"But first…

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I'm going to seduce you…

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…with a dance

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from TikTok!"

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Remember, there's no music.
There are no filters.

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Just you guttural breathing
to an eight-count, like,

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"One, two, three, four!"

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Tits swinging like an orangutan.

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The 20-year-olds are like,
"Those aren't the dances."

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Every guy in here is like, "I mean…

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not <i>not </i>hot."

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"You are a woman
breathing in my apartment, so…

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wouldn't kick you out of bed, just
wondered how long you were gonna stay."

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So I do have a little girl,
and I love her more than life itself.

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One of the weird parts about
being pregnant are the mental hurdles.

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One of them is that you have to accept
that you're going to gain weight,

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which, if you're a woman, you've been
taught that's an unforgivable sin, right?

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Whatever weight you were at 12,

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you've got to spend your life
trying to get back to that.

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You're gonna gain weight,
you're gonna need new clothes.

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I didn't buy maternity clothes,
I just wore leggings and T-shirts,

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but you got to get new underwear,
new big-girl underwear, that's right.

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And you've got to get a new bra.

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And I will tell you what,
that was mentally very difficult.

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Because a woman's relationship
with her bra, particularly the ugly one,

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is sacred, all right?

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00:12:02,848 --> 00:12:05,142
Every girl has an ugly bra.

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That's right, every girl.

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I believe it's what unifies
every woman on this planet.

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We all got an ugly bra,

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and the bigger your boobs are,
the uglier that bra is.

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That's right.

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Every girl's got an ugly bra.

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It's the longest relationship
you've ever been in.

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She is battle worn.

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Every man in this crowd is like,
"I seen that bra."

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I woke up the other night,
bra was looking at me like,

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"Get out of here, motherfucker!"

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People don't understand
our connection to ugly bra.

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Like, "Why don't you get rid of her?
She's so ugly."

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And we're like, "'Cause she does me right
and she's a hard worker."

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"She's loyal."

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The bigger your boobs are,
the uglier that bra is.

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There's some truth for you, yeah.

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If you're working with anything
over a C cup, I got you.

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I know that pain, I know
how hideous our bras are, okay?

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So you are my people.

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Anything-- and I know.

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People are like, "You've got big boobs,
is that hard?"

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It fuckin' is, okay?

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They gaslight you, that's right.

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00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:16,088
There's where all the big tits are, yeah.

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The world wants you
to have giant knockers,

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and then when you do, they give you
no infrastructure to support them.

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All we want are cute bras.

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Instead they're like,
"Here's a Soviet era wind sock."

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00:13:26,557 --> 00:13:28,892
"Just strap it on

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00:13:28,976 --> 00:13:30,269
and help plow."

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00:13:30,352 --> 00:13:31,520
"Just do it."

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00:13:33,063 --> 00:13:34,731
You never got to wear the cute bras.

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00:13:34,815 --> 00:13:36,567
Remember when you were a teenager?

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00:13:36,650 --> 00:13:39,528
By the way, if you have smaller breasts,
an A cup or a B cup,

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this is size-inclusive,
but you don't know!

234
00:13:42,948 --> 00:13:45,075
You don't know what it was like
being friends with you,

235
00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:47,536
and your girlfriends are like,
"Let's go to the mall." Remember malls?

236
00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:50,998
And you go and they say,
"Let's go get cute bras at Abercrombie."

237
00:13:51,081 --> 00:13:51,957
Remember Abercrombie?

238
00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:54,251
And you'd go with them,
and they're running forward,

239
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:57,170
and you're carrying around
your grown woman divorcée chest.

240
00:13:57,254 --> 00:13:58,213
Like, "Wait for me!"

241
00:14:00,090 --> 00:14:03,177
"Can't run, I'm not wearing
two sports bras, I'm coming."

242
00:14:03,260 --> 00:14:05,721
They're all trying on cute bras,
playing slap tickle.

243
00:14:05,804 --> 00:14:08,056
You're just sitting there
eating a slice from Sbarro.

244
00:14:08,140 --> 00:14:09,391
Like…

245
00:14:12,311 --> 00:14:14,771
"My mom's getting me at two.
I'll just be here."

246
00:14:15,439 --> 00:14:17,941
They'd have the cutest bras.
I always wanted the cute bras.

247
00:14:18,025 --> 00:14:19,484
None for you. They'd come out cute.

248
00:14:19,568 --> 00:14:22,529
"Look at this one,
it's made of moose felt. Mmm."

249
00:14:23,697 --> 00:14:26,992
"Mm. So bucolic. Look at this one,
it's got hearts on it."

250
00:14:27,075 --> 00:14:28,577
"This one's got little kisses on it."

251
00:14:28,660 --> 00:14:30,746
"I'm a child. Isn't it so cute?"

252
00:14:30,829 --> 00:14:32,748
"Aww! This one's got feathers."

253
00:14:32,831 --> 00:14:36,251
"This one's just two contact lenses
and dental floss."

254
00:14:37,211 --> 00:14:38,670
"Bouncy."

255
00:14:38,754 --> 00:14:41,006
Not me! Not me
and every other big-breasted girl.

256
00:14:41,089 --> 00:14:45,219
We were getting hauled
into some back-alley discount van

257
00:14:45,969 --> 00:14:50,891
where some Eastern European woman
named Loretta is gonna hand-fit you,

258
00:14:50,974 --> 00:14:54,770
scoop each breast
into its own personal hurt locker

259
00:14:54,853 --> 00:14:58,315
and jiggle your tits around
in front of your mother!

260
00:15:02,736 --> 00:15:05,697
Just sitting there.
You've never even made out with a boy.

261
00:15:05,781 --> 00:15:08,075
She's just grabbing at you like,
"How does this feel?"

262
00:15:08,158 --> 00:15:10,702
You're like, "I'm kind of turned on.
I don't know!"

263
00:15:13,455 --> 00:15:15,582
Ugly bra comes in one color.

264
00:15:15,666 --> 00:15:19,628
And I can only describe it
as like a gray beige.

265
00:15:23,215 --> 00:15:25,968
Like, if clammy were a color.

266
00:15:28,178 --> 00:15:30,430
Like, I don't know
whose skin tone they're matching,

267
00:15:30,514 --> 00:15:31,890
but it's offensive.

268
00:15:32,850 --> 00:15:34,101
Who looks like that?

269
00:15:34,184 --> 00:15:36,270
It's like a drowned Caucasian.

270
00:15:36,353 --> 00:15:38,689
It's just… no life to it.

271
00:15:38,772 --> 00:15:41,066
And sometimes,
to put lipstick on that pig,

272
00:15:41,149 --> 00:15:43,777
they'll take a thread
of the same pukey color

273
00:15:43,861 --> 00:15:46,196
and they'll sew in a floral scape,

274
00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:47,698
like, "Oh, thank you."

275
00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:50,659
"Yeah, someone brought me flowers.
Thank you."

276
00:15:50,742 --> 00:15:54,580
"Oh, a rose, but the death
of my self-esteem."

277
00:15:54,663 --> 00:15:56,206
"Thank you so much."

278
00:15:57,416 --> 00:16:00,168
Sometimes to gussy it up,
they'll put a little gold coin here.

279
00:16:01,670 --> 00:16:02,588
Who is that for?

280
00:16:04,339 --> 00:16:05,757
The guy's already pumped to be there.

281
00:16:05,841 --> 00:16:09,553
What guy takes off her shirt,
he's like, "Jackpot, yeah"?

282
00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:10,804
"Ch-ching!"

283
00:16:11,555 --> 00:16:14,892
"Oh, El Dorado.
I have riches for my lifetime."

284
00:16:16,185 --> 00:16:21,023
I got one ugly bra that had a ruby,
a ruby, right here.

285
00:16:21,106 --> 00:16:23,150
What the fuck, am I a troll doll? Why?

286
00:16:26,278 --> 00:16:28,363
Ugly bra comes in that one color.

287
00:16:28,447 --> 00:16:30,616
I think the part
that adds insult to injury

288
00:16:30,699 --> 00:16:32,159
are the thick straps.

289
00:16:33,035 --> 00:16:36,830
"Thick-ass strap." No girl wants that.
No girl wants thick straps.

290
00:16:36,914 --> 00:16:39,833
As you get older or if you're pregnant,
you want the support,

291
00:16:39,917 --> 00:16:42,211
but when you're younger,
you don't fuckin' want that.

292
00:16:42,294 --> 00:16:46,215
I want a licorice whip, that's it, tiny.
Just a… …whisper of…

293
00:16:46,298 --> 00:16:48,550
You don't want the thick straps,
and you know what?

294
00:16:48,634 --> 00:16:52,179
You look at any magazine,
any fashion shoot, and in movies,

295
00:16:52,262 --> 00:16:55,140
there's all these girls with huge boobs
and they Photoshop out the straps.

296
00:16:55,224 --> 00:16:58,685
They don't want you to see
that fuckin' harness holding it all up.

297
00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:03,065
They know no one wants to see
a model with a backstrap of bacon.

298
00:17:03,148 --> 00:17:04,358
They know…

299
00:17:05,984 --> 00:17:09,488
Girls in movies, the ingenue,
she's got big boobs and she's running,

300
00:17:09,571 --> 00:17:12,574
and it's always like a tank top,
and the tank top's always falling, right?

301
00:17:12,658 --> 00:17:14,618
We like our women
half-dressed and distressed.

302
00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:17,329
Just like, "Oh, my God,
I dropped everything."

303
00:17:17,412 --> 00:17:20,499
"I'm such a klutz. Oops.
Tank top fall. Mm."

304
00:17:20,582 --> 00:17:23,794
"Ooh, it's a clove cigarette, I'm complex.
How am I gonna--"

305
00:17:23,877 --> 00:17:26,588
And then the bra strap falls down.
"Mm, I'm a riddle."

306
00:17:26,672 --> 00:17:29,341
"Oh! I work at a café one day a week."

307
00:17:29,424 --> 00:17:34,137
In my life, my bra strap
has never fallen down.

308
00:17:36,390 --> 00:17:40,352
This thing clocks in
for a union job at 9 a.m.

309
00:17:47,693 --> 00:17:51,113
Works a 12-hour shift
as a tension bridge.

310
00:17:52,030 --> 00:17:54,032
It's not fallen down, okay?

311
00:17:54,116 --> 00:17:56,827
If my bra strap fell down,
the next thing you'd hear

312
00:17:56,910 --> 00:17:58,412
is like, "Oh, fuck!"

313
00:18:05,544 --> 00:18:07,296
"I'm taking my things
and I'm leaving, thank you."

314
00:18:13,010 --> 00:18:16,096
You never see a hot girl,
tank top strap falls down,

315
00:18:16,180 --> 00:18:17,389
and there's just a seat belt.

316
00:18:17,472 --> 00:18:18,807
You never see it.

317
00:18:19,850 --> 00:18:21,351
Why those straps got to be so thick?

318
00:18:21,435 --> 00:18:24,313
In case I need to, what,
pull an apple cart to market?

319
00:18:26,481 --> 00:18:28,650
I toured Europe
and did that joke in Hungary,

320
00:18:28,734 --> 00:18:31,737
and they were like,
"Yes, woman needs to help."

321
00:18:36,575 --> 00:18:38,994
The hooks are also a nightmare.

322
00:18:39,077 --> 00:18:41,496
Multiple hooks, okay?

323
00:18:41,580 --> 00:18:44,249
Anything over three hooks is not a bra,

324
00:18:44,333 --> 00:18:48,003
it is an ADT interlocking
security approach.

325
00:18:50,339 --> 00:18:51,924
"Enter passcode."

326
00:18:54,259 --> 00:18:55,552
Nobody wants all those hooks.

327
00:18:55,636 --> 00:18:58,013
No girl wants multiple hooks,
because after three hooks,

328
00:18:58,096 --> 00:19:01,975
it's not even a bra, it's a brassiere,
and it's a full approach.

329
00:19:02,059 --> 00:19:05,312
Every girl wants a bralette,
that's what every girl wants.

330
00:19:05,395 --> 00:19:07,856
The cute, like, fart of a bra,
that's what you want.

331
00:19:10,025 --> 00:19:11,735
Boys, I know, I've lost you.

332
00:19:11,818 --> 00:19:13,487
You're like,
"What the fuck is a bralette"?

333
00:19:15,072 --> 00:19:16,823
"Why is she speaking French?"

334
00:19:17,866 --> 00:19:18,742
I got you.

335
00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:23,330
A bralette is a butterfly burp
of an undergarment.

336
00:19:23,413 --> 00:19:26,333
It's not even a bra,
it's just two hummingbirds,

337
00:19:26,416 --> 00:19:28,252
one under each nipple.

338
00:19:33,674 --> 00:19:36,051
Just two cat whiskers
holding the back together.

339
00:19:36,134 --> 00:19:37,302
It's… …bralette!

340
00:19:37,386 --> 00:19:38,762
That's what that is.

341
00:19:40,055 --> 00:19:42,474
Multiple hooks are a nightmare.
You could hurt yourself.

342
00:19:42,558 --> 00:19:45,519
Why is it that the hardest thing
in the world to do

343
00:19:45,602 --> 00:19:48,981
is when you get out of the shower
and your skin is damp

344
00:19:49,064 --> 00:19:50,524
and you connect the hooks here…

345
00:20:00,450 --> 00:20:01,368
Help!

346
00:20:03,453 --> 00:20:04,955
Shredding your clavicle.

347
00:20:06,957 --> 00:20:08,417
"So, why are you in hospice care?"

348
00:20:08,500 --> 00:20:10,502
"Well, I pulled a back muscle
putting on my bra,

349
00:20:10,586 --> 00:20:12,296
and I think it's over."

350
00:20:13,964 --> 00:20:15,674
Multiple hooks bother me.

351
00:20:15,757 --> 00:20:20,304
And I was thinking about it, like,
why is this so triggering?

352
00:20:20,387 --> 00:20:24,057
And it goes all the way back to being
a teenager, like most things, okay?

353
00:20:24,141 --> 00:20:27,811
Remember the first time you seriously
made out with a boy, Ohio?

354
00:20:27,895 --> 00:20:30,898
So, what, 12, I don't know.
Remember the first time?

355
00:20:31,732 --> 00:20:33,734
Oh, I can go lower.

356
00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:37,154
Yeah, I've played Louisiana,
we can go into the single digits.

357
00:20:40,657 --> 00:20:41,700
We'll put it at a 16.

358
00:20:41,783 --> 00:20:45,829
We'll put it at a nice, healthy
"Jack & Diane," all-American 16, okay?

359
00:20:45,913 --> 00:20:48,916
The first time you, like,
really made out with a boy, right?

360
00:20:48,999 --> 00:20:50,125
You're making out with him.

361
00:20:50,209 --> 00:20:52,836
You know, as the girl,
you are harboring that secret.

362
00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:55,339
You know the multiple hook situation.

363
00:20:55,422 --> 00:21:00,719
You know the Rubik's Cube
of nylon and nickel that's back there.

364
00:21:00,802 --> 00:21:03,805
That's a fuckin' cloth LSAT
he's going to have to pass.

365
00:21:04,515 --> 00:21:05,724
You know what's back there.

366
00:21:05,807 --> 00:21:08,977
The boy has no idea, why would he?
He's never seen a bra before.

367
00:21:09,061 --> 00:21:12,356
All he knows is, "I caught a big one."
Like, he's just excited.

368
00:21:14,566 --> 00:21:16,652
You know he's going
to have to contend with that,

369
00:21:16,735 --> 00:21:21,198
and you're keeping that secret,
like a bridge troll guarding a secret.

370
00:21:21,281 --> 00:21:25,160
Like,
"If you can solve these riddles three…

371
00:21:35,003 --> 00:21:36,755
…naked for you I shall be."

372
00:21:40,467 --> 00:21:42,970
And you know it's back there,
and there's that moment,

373
00:21:43,053 --> 00:21:45,430
there's that moment
where you're making out, right?

374
00:21:45,514 --> 00:21:48,392
And he pulls away,
and you're like, "It's time."

375
00:21:48,475 --> 00:21:50,686
And he's like, "Let's do it. I need you."

376
00:21:50,769 --> 00:21:52,437
"I fucking need this, Jeremy."

377
00:21:52,521 --> 00:21:54,815
And he puts his head here.

378
00:21:54,898 --> 00:21:59,486
He pulls away from kissing so he can look
over your back and look down at his work.

379
00:21:59,570 --> 00:22:03,824
Of course he has to look at your back,
of course he needs his eyes on his paper.

380
00:22:03,907 --> 00:22:07,035
He can't do that for the first time,
sight unseen…

381
00:22:08,662 --> 00:22:09,830
He can't do that.

382
00:22:09,913 --> 00:22:12,791
"Yippity-skippity." He can't do that.

383
00:22:12,875 --> 00:22:16,837
No man has the natural dexterity
of a doll brain surgeon.

384
00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:20,716
Why would you be able
to intricately have that gorilla grip,

385
00:22:20,799 --> 00:22:21,884
to expand, contract?

386
00:22:21,967 --> 00:22:22,843
Why would you know?

387
00:22:22,926 --> 00:22:25,512
I know, all the lesbians
are like, "We figured it out."

388
00:22:31,977 --> 00:22:34,438
By the way, gentlemen,
we want you to get it.

389
00:22:34,521 --> 00:22:36,106
We don't want you to be embarrassed.

390
00:22:36,190 --> 00:22:38,775
No woman worth her salt wants that.

391
00:22:38,859 --> 00:22:40,235
We want you to succeed, right?

392
00:22:40,319 --> 00:22:43,322
We want you to take off our bras,
and by the way, boys, that is your role.

393
00:22:43,405 --> 00:22:45,866
That is your job, to take off her bra.

394
00:22:45,949 --> 00:22:49,453
And this has nothing
to do with feminism or gender roles.

395
00:22:49,536 --> 00:22:53,707
It has everything to do with
no woman wanting to make this face.

396
00:23:10,724 --> 00:23:14,144
"How was the date?" "It was great
and then she flew out of the sunroof."

397
00:23:15,771 --> 00:23:17,272
"We were making out in an Ultima."

398
00:23:18,941 --> 00:23:22,194
And so there's that moment
where, like, he pulls away

399
00:23:22,277 --> 00:23:25,155
and he puts his head here,
but you've never made out with a boy,

400
00:23:25,239 --> 00:23:28,158
and now you're just
a head floating on his shoulder.

401
00:23:28,700 --> 00:23:31,662
Like, "What do I do?"
You can't, like, "You got it, Trey."

402
00:23:32,788 --> 00:23:33,956
"Keep going, Steven."

403
00:23:34,039 --> 00:23:37,125
You can't say anything,
so you start kissing his shoulder, like…

404
00:23:39,711 --> 00:23:41,547
"You can do it! I don't know…"

405
00:23:42,464 --> 00:23:43,549
"My curfew's in ten minutes."

406
00:23:43,632 --> 00:23:46,927
"I need to be shirtless
in the back of my mom's Maxima. Hurry!"

407
00:23:48,762 --> 00:23:53,141
And you watch as his little monkey paw
goes behind your back.

408
00:23:53,225 --> 00:23:55,811
And you're a young girl,
and you don't know

409
00:23:55,894 --> 00:23:59,565
you're about to come in contact
with your first lesson in male fragility.

410
00:24:01,316 --> 00:24:05,028
Because the hand goes behind the back,
and he's focused and it's silent.

411
00:24:06,238 --> 00:24:09,992
And then for us girls,
the next thing we hear is just…

412
00:24:14,872 --> 00:24:16,164
"Motherfucker!"

413
00:24:21,670 --> 00:24:22,838
"Calm down."

414
00:24:27,092 --> 00:24:29,595
Unnecessary to have so many hooks.

415
00:24:29,678 --> 00:24:30,971
Unnecessary.

416
00:24:31,054 --> 00:24:35,142
I did that joke in Portugal, and
this woman comes up to me after the show,

417
00:24:35,225 --> 00:24:38,854
and she was like 5'5",
and she comes up, this little old lady.

418
00:24:40,105 --> 00:24:42,566
There was no security,
she just walked right up, and she just…

419
00:24:43,108 --> 00:24:45,319
She goes…

420
00:24:46,028 --> 00:24:47,112
I was like, "Yes? Hello?"

421
00:24:47,196 --> 00:24:50,407
And she just goes,
"I have six hook and never tell no one."

422
00:24:55,287 --> 00:24:57,247
I'm like, "Catch her, grab her jewel."

423
00:24:57,331 --> 00:24:59,625
You don't need all the hooks,
and I'll tell you why.

424
00:24:59,708 --> 00:25:01,877
When you go home tonight
and you take off your bra,

425
00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:04,379
you'll notice only one hook
is doing the work.

426
00:25:05,964 --> 00:25:07,883
'Cause these things
aren't structurally sound.

427
00:25:07,966 --> 00:25:12,888
It's that middle hook
that's been stripped of its paint.

428
00:25:14,264 --> 00:25:18,227
The hook and eye are so warped,
it looks like God touching man.

429
00:25:27,903 --> 00:25:29,905
Ugly bra's important.
It's an important bond.

430
00:25:30,989 --> 00:25:33,867
Brought ugly bra on a recent trip, um…

431
00:25:33,951 --> 00:25:37,287
You know, the world opened
in the last year or so,

432
00:25:37,371 --> 00:25:39,498
and I think I'm like
a lot of people in that,

433
00:25:39,581 --> 00:25:42,626
when you had the chance to take a trip,
you were like, "We gotta fuckin' go."

434
00:25:42,709 --> 00:25:44,920
"Pack the toothbrush, let's go."

435
00:25:45,003 --> 00:25:49,800
So we took, like, a anniversary,
post-baby, babymoon,

436
00:25:49,883 --> 00:25:52,970
birth-iversary, work is hard,
mix it all together,

437
00:25:53,053 --> 00:25:54,471
"we never take a vacation" trip.

438
00:25:54,555 --> 00:25:57,224
We went to Italy,
and I'm going to admit something

439
00:25:57,307 --> 00:25:59,017
that no woman has ever
admitted before, here I go.

440
00:25:59,101 --> 00:26:02,479
Um… we did not
have a great vacation, and…

441
00:26:03,647 --> 00:26:05,023
it was my fault.

442
00:26:09,236 --> 00:26:12,281
Thank you so much, good night.
No, it was my fault.

443
00:26:12,364 --> 00:26:14,241
But here's why it wasn't my fault.
I don't know.

444
00:26:14,324 --> 00:26:17,369
Are you… a person who works?

445
00:26:17,452 --> 00:26:19,288
Are you a woman who works?
Do you have a family?

446
00:26:19,371 --> 00:26:21,582
Do you have a passion
in this world? Yeah.

447
00:26:22,708 --> 00:26:24,167
Are you fucking tired?

448
00:26:24,251 --> 00:26:27,129
And not just tired from work,
tired from living up to the expectations

449
00:26:27,212 --> 00:26:29,798
of everybody
who comes in contact with you?

450
00:26:29,882 --> 00:26:31,466
It is exhausting.

451
00:26:32,968 --> 00:26:36,471
We need a break,
and we're always champion, like,

452
00:26:36,555 --> 00:26:39,474
"Oh, keep working," and then
it's a joke when you're tired, like,

453
00:26:39,558 --> 00:26:42,269
"Oh, my wife doesn't want
to have sex, she's tired."

454
00:26:42,352 --> 00:26:45,856
Not just tired,
she wants to be dead for a week.

455
00:26:47,107 --> 00:26:49,484
She wants to be put
in a medically induced coma,

456
00:26:49,568 --> 00:26:51,695
if, for nothing else,
just to get rid of these bags

457
00:26:51,778 --> 00:26:54,489
so people stop asking her
why she looks so tired.

458
00:26:54,573 --> 00:26:56,200
Yeah, I had just had a baby.

459
00:26:56,283 --> 00:26:59,244
I shouldn't have gone, but I was like,
"Get it while the gettin' is good."

460
00:26:59,328 --> 00:27:02,706
Body was different, mind was different.
Exhausted from work, stressed out.

461
00:27:02,789 --> 00:27:05,375
Allergies, feeling nauseous.
I think I took too much Ambien.

462
00:27:05,459 --> 00:27:06,835
Is anyone regulating this?

463
00:27:06,919 --> 00:27:10,339
And we get there, jet-lagged,
and I am miserable.

464
00:27:10,422 --> 00:27:14,801
And to make it worse, everybody there,
all the girls were like 25.

465
00:27:14,885 --> 00:27:15,886
"From Michigan!"

466
00:27:15,969 --> 00:27:17,054
And they were all, like,

467
00:27:18,138 --> 00:27:21,099
"on their honeymoons
with their baseball player husbands

468
00:27:21,183 --> 00:27:22,351
named Coleton."

469
00:27:22,434 --> 00:27:23,477
"Hey!"

470
00:27:24,353 --> 00:27:26,271
"Coleton, come here."

471
00:27:26,355 --> 00:27:28,315
"I'm flawless. Coleton."

472
00:27:28,398 --> 00:27:32,361
"Blixly, Brangin, come here."

473
00:27:33,028 --> 00:27:34,863
"Crackin', come here."

474
00:27:34,947 --> 00:27:36,865
What are we doing
with these names, America?

475
00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:40,452
Like, why mess with normal names?

476
00:27:40,536 --> 00:27:42,788
No one thinks we're
from old-line British money.

477
00:27:42,871 --> 00:27:45,415
"Like, Huxton."
I'm sorry, are you a hotel lobby?

478
00:27:45,499 --> 00:27:46,750
What are these words?

479
00:27:47,417 --> 00:27:51,255
"Blisten, Blixon, Dasher, Dancer."

480
00:27:52,297 --> 00:27:56,051
"Braxton, Higgs, Contraction, come here."

481
00:27:56,969 --> 00:28:00,180
"Tinkle, come here, Triscuit.
I married a kitten."

482
00:28:00,264 --> 00:28:01,765
"Come here!"

483
00:28:02,391 --> 00:28:05,644
"Tinkle. I'm in a romper.
Let's take a picture."

484
00:28:07,271 --> 00:28:08,856
Romping!

485
00:28:10,232 --> 00:28:11,733
Romping with Tinkle.

486
00:28:14,152 --> 00:28:15,237
Ruff!

487
00:28:16,905 --> 00:28:19,575
Boys, I know, again, I got you.

488
00:28:20,367 --> 00:28:22,536
"What the fuck is a romper?"
I got you.

489
00:28:23,537 --> 00:28:24,872
Let me explain.

490
00:28:24,955 --> 00:28:29,209
A romper is a garment
made for a toddler…

491
00:28:37,843 --> 00:28:40,971
…that, because of our society's
obsession with infantilizing women,

492
00:28:41,054 --> 00:28:45,601
we have convinced grown adult women
that they need to wear, okay?

493
00:28:45,684 --> 00:28:49,479
Not one woman has ever
put on a romper and then said,

494
00:28:49,563 --> 00:28:52,232
"And there's so much room in the crotch."

495
00:29:00,449 --> 00:29:02,993
I think it's all a part of a giant plan
to keep women down.

496
00:29:03,076 --> 00:29:06,830
Like, you'll have CEOs, mothers,
businesswomen walking into meetings,

497
00:29:06,914 --> 00:29:08,665
like, "Thank you for waiting."

498
00:29:10,667 --> 00:29:11,960
Just tugging at it.

499
00:29:12,669 --> 00:29:15,297
You got to be smart to wear a romper,
I hope you know that.

500
00:29:15,380 --> 00:29:16,465
You do. It's a puzzle.

501
00:29:16,548 --> 00:29:20,636
'Cause there's only enough cloth
to cover one set of genitals adequately.

502
00:29:22,095 --> 00:29:25,641
Like, you can cover your nipples,
but, Cleveland, your south mouth is out.

503
00:29:25,724 --> 00:29:27,184
Okay?

504
00:29:27,851 --> 00:29:29,019
It's gonna be out.

505
00:29:32,189 --> 00:29:33,065
I'm a woman.

506
00:29:33,148 --> 00:29:36,026
When I put on my clothes,
I should not have to decide

507
00:29:36,109 --> 00:29:38,487
if I'm going to dress
to the left or the right.

508
00:29:45,244 --> 00:29:47,120
They're all in rompers
having the best time,

509
00:29:47,204 --> 00:29:50,249
and all the Italian women were stunning.

510
00:29:50,332 --> 00:29:54,086
Olive skin, designer outfits,
wearing six-inch heels.

511
00:29:54,169 --> 00:29:56,463
Fuckin' killing it
on ancient cobblestone walkways,

512
00:29:56,547 --> 00:29:58,382
not missing a beat.

513
00:29:58,465 --> 00:30:02,845
Sitting there in fartable Umbros
and orthotics, just eating.

514
00:30:02,928 --> 00:30:06,640
I'm just like, "It's called parmesan.
We'll never see this cheese again."

515
00:30:06,723 --> 00:30:09,101
"We should have it now."

516
00:30:09,852 --> 00:30:13,981
"Load 'er up on my bra,
and I'll pull it back to the hotel."

517
00:30:14,690 --> 00:30:17,442
"It's duty-free if you eat all of it."

518
00:30:18,610 --> 00:30:19,903
Those women were so beautiful,

519
00:30:19,987 --> 00:30:22,364
and I would just
look at them, snorting ham.

520
00:30:22,447 --> 00:30:24,908
And I would just be like,
"You girls are so beautiful."

521
00:30:24,992 --> 00:30:28,245
"This food here is so good.
How are you not a thousand pounds?"

522
00:30:28,328 --> 00:30:31,123
And they would look at me
and they would just be like…

523
00:30:34,543 --> 00:30:35,961
"Because we smoke cigarette."

524
00:30:36,044 --> 00:30:39,381
"We do not eat processed corn
for every meal."

525
00:30:41,008 --> 00:30:43,510
"American, you are disgusty."

526
00:30:45,429 --> 00:30:46,680
And she was right.

527
00:30:47,389 --> 00:30:50,017
I was disgusty.

528
00:30:50,100 --> 00:30:53,145
But not of body, of heart and mind.

529
00:30:54,479 --> 00:30:56,440
I was feeling so bad for myself.

530
00:30:56,523 --> 00:30:59,985
Then I started to feel bad
about how bad I was making myself feel.

531
00:31:00,068 --> 00:31:01,862
And if you're like me,
when I'm in a bad mood,

532
00:31:01,945 --> 00:31:05,073
nothing makes me feel better
than dragging everyone down.

533
00:31:09,036 --> 00:31:11,038
Then I started to get mad
at myself because

534
00:31:11,121 --> 00:31:13,874
I would look at these beautiful girls,
who hadn't just had a baby,

535
00:31:13,957 --> 00:31:17,169
and I would be like,
"They're making me feel bad about myself."

536
00:31:17,252 --> 00:31:18,921
Which is insane, okay?

537
00:31:19,004 --> 00:31:21,215
They're not making you feel anything.

538
00:31:21,298 --> 00:31:24,927
And it's okay, it's okay
to look at other women

539
00:31:25,010 --> 00:31:29,348
and decide what you like about them
that you might want for yourself, okay?

540
00:31:29,431 --> 00:31:31,141
And society will label you competitive,

541
00:31:31,225 --> 00:31:33,894
a word that we reserve as a positive
for male CEOs, male athletes,

542
00:31:33,977 --> 00:31:37,105
and men in general, but if a woman
makes herself better, "She's competitive."

543
00:31:37,189 --> 00:31:38,065
"Sit the fuck down."

544
00:31:38,148 --> 00:31:41,276
It's normal, it's intelligent.
It's called fucking adapting.

545
00:31:41,360 --> 00:31:42,277
It's called evolution.

546
00:31:42,361 --> 00:31:44,863
When I look at another girl,
it's not about disdain for her,

547
00:31:44,947 --> 00:31:48,534
it's about looking at her and thinking,
"What about you do I want to try for me?"

548
00:31:48,617 --> 00:31:49,743
That's what we do.

549
00:31:49,826 --> 00:31:51,662
You are constantly…

550
00:31:56,416 --> 00:31:57,626
It's a goose.

551
00:31:58,293 --> 00:31:59,378
You are constantly… okay.

552
00:31:59,461 --> 00:32:03,924
You are constantly submarine sonaring
yourself off of other women.

553
00:32:04,007 --> 00:32:05,926
That's how you improve.
Life is not a vacuum.

554
00:32:06,009 --> 00:32:07,803
You have to take in
everything around you.

555
00:32:11,890 --> 00:32:14,685
"She has bangs, should I get bangs?
Remember the 2000s? Don't do it."

556
00:32:17,145 --> 00:32:18,981
"She's wearing a mustard jumper.
Should I--"

557
00:32:19,064 --> 00:32:21,066
"No, mustard doesn't look good
on white people."

558
00:32:23,318 --> 00:32:25,153
"Low-rise jeans?
No, you just had a baby."

559
00:32:25,237 --> 00:32:28,657
"High-waisted, elder millennial
black-denim-till-you-fuckin'-die, sister."

560
00:32:29,449 --> 00:32:30,284
Every girl does it.

561
00:32:31,410 --> 00:32:33,829
Admit it. Every girl does it.

562
00:32:33,912 --> 00:32:36,248
Don't believe women that are like,
"I don't judge other women."

563
00:32:36,331 --> 00:32:39,585
Yes, you do, and I judge you
for lying about it, how's that?

564
00:32:39,668 --> 00:32:42,629
It's okay.
It's okay to even have a bad thought.

565
00:32:42,713 --> 00:32:45,382
Don't share it,
don't be a fuckin' monster.

566
00:32:45,465 --> 00:32:48,010
Every girl does that.
You leave your house feeling great.

567
00:32:48,093 --> 00:32:49,469
You're thriving, right?

568
00:32:49,553 --> 00:32:52,514
You just did, like, ten minutes
of yoga, mostly Shavasana,

569
00:32:52,598 --> 00:32:54,016
but you still did it.

570
00:32:55,225 --> 00:32:59,771
You made a recipe for a green
matcha oat latte you saw on TikTok.

571
00:32:59,855 --> 00:33:01,356
So you did that.

572
00:33:01,440 --> 00:33:04,151
And you're feeling so good, right?

573
00:33:04,234 --> 00:33:07,029
You leave your house like,
"I feel so lean, so good."

574
00:33:07,112 --> 00:33:09,406
You see another girl,
maybe she's not the cutest, right?

575
00:33:09,489 --> 00:33:12,534
Maybe she has her own hermit crab shell.
Who knows?

576
00:33:13,076 --> 00:33:14,703
At least she's a homeowner, who knows?

577
00:33:14,786 --> 00:33:17,581
You see another girl, and for
the quickest of seconds, you judge her.

578
00:33:17,664 --> 00:33:20,417
You're like, "She's not too cute."
Maybe she's not.

579
00:33:20,500 --> 00:33:23,837
Maybe she's wearing boot-cut jeans
and wedges, who knows?

580
00:33:25,589 --> 00:33:28,342
Oh, my God, Cleveland, that's bad, okay?

581
00:33:29,968 --> 00:33:31,011
We'll cut that part.

582
00:33:31,094 --> 00:33:33,514
You see her and…

583
00:33:34,181 --> 00:33:37,309
It was bad.

584
00:33:44,233 --> 00:33:46,610
But you see another girl,
and for the quickest of seconds,

585
00:33:46,693 --> 00:33:49,446
you're just like,
"Oh, she's so cute, she's trying. Mm."

586
00:33:49,530 --> 00:33:52,574
"Why does she bother?
I look so good. Oh."

587
00:33:52,658 --> 00:33:55,118
And then you turn the corner
and see one of those hot girls

588
00:33:55,202 --> 00:33:56,453
in the butterfly fart bras,

589
00:33:56,537 --> 00:33:58,914
and she looks beautiful
even when she cries,

590
00:33:58,997 --> 00:34:01,667
and you're like, "Why do <i>I </i>bother?!"

591
00:34:08,465 --> 00:34:10,342
"Return me to the sea."

592
00:34:10,968 --> 00:34:13,428
"Let my body break down into fossil fuels

593
00:34:13,512 --> 00:34:16,306
that I may fuel the yachts
of hotter people."

594
00:34:18,976 --> 00:34:21,103
Your partner just wants you
to feel good, right?

595
00:34:21,186 --> 00:34:23,397
Your husband, your boyfriend,
they want you to feel good.

596
00:34:23,480 --> 00:34:26,233
They don't understand
the complexity of self-loathing

597
00:34:26,316 --> 00:34:27,484
when it comes to being a girl.

598
00:34:27,568 --> 00:34:29,695
They don't understand
that everything is attached

599
00:34:29,778 --> 00:34:31,822
and nothing is
an isolated incident, right?

600
00:34:31,905 --> 00:34:34,908
Men are able to compartmentalize,
but they are simple.

601
00:34:36,451 --> 00:34:37,536
And I envy that.

602
00:34:37,619 --> 00:34:39,788
A guy can look at weight gain
like an isolated thing.

603
00:34:39,872 --> 00:34:41,540
"Well, I gained weight."

604
00:34:45,335 --> 00:34:47,296
"Better remedy that
with some bigger pants."

605
00:34:47,379 --> 00:34:48,380
"Here we go."

606
00:34:50,757 --> 00:34:51,884
"To the Dillard's."

607
00:34:57,639 --> 00:34:59,099
Not that simple for girls, is it?

608
00:34:59,183 --> 00:35:01,935
'Cause when we gain weight,
it's never just about the weight.

609
00:35:02,019 --> 00:35:03,145
Is it? No.

610
00:35:03,228 --> 00:35:05,689
It's attached to many things
because everything is everything

611
00:35:05,772 --> 00:35:07,232
and it's all happening at once.

612
00:35:07,316 --> 00:35:10,152
"I gain weight because
I don't have a work/life balance

613
00:35:10,235 --> 00:35:13,071
because I hate my fucking job
because I didn't get the job I wanted

614
00:35:13,155 --> 00:35:16,366
because I didn't go to school because
the guy I was dating didn't encourage me

615
00:35:16,450 --> 00:35:17,910
and I always date the wrong men."

616
00:35:17,993 --> 00:35:20,329
That's what it's about.
That's what it's about.

617
00:35:27,044 --> 00:35:29,421
We are constantly
beating ourselves up as women,

618
00:35:29,504 --> 00:35:31,715
and we are constantly feeling bad.

619
00:35:31,798 --> 00:35:34,176
And then I started to feel bad
about the fact that we feel bad,

620
00:35:34,259 --> 00:35:37,429
and I started to think on the fact that
we have a mental illness in this country

621
00:35:37,513 --> 00:35:41,225
where, as totally normal women,
we just feel bad about ourselves,

622
00:35:41,308 --> 00:35:42,851
or we just feel gross.

623
00:35:42,935 --> 00:35:44,811
At least once a day,
if you're an American woman,

624
00:35:44,895 --> 00:35:47,564
you will utter the phrase,
out loud or to yourself,

625
00:35:47,648 --> 00:35:48,774
"I just feel so gross."

626
00:35:48,857 --> 00:35:49,983
For what?

627
00:35:51,109 --> 00:35:52,861
For sweating?

628
00:35:54,446 --> 00:35:56,532
For working out, for not working out?

629
00:35:56,615 --> 00:35:58,200
For feeding yourself?

630
00:35:58,283 --> 00:35:59,618
For having sex?

631
00:35:59,701 --> 00:36:01,620
Okay, that one, I don't know.
He might be…

632
00:36:02,746 --> 00:36:03,789
They might be…

633
00:36:03,872 --> 00:36:05,958
To burn off the whole arm. Okay.

634
00:36:07,751 --> 00:36:10,754
It's easy to stand here and say that.
However, counterpoint.

635
00:36:10,837 --> 00:36:12,130
You know when you're eating

636
00:36:12,214 --> 00:36:15,133
and you take, like,
one extra bite too much

637
00:36:15,217 --> 00:36:18,011
and you can feel yourself gain weight

638
00:36:18,846 --> 00:36:21,139
because your bra gets tight?

639
00:36:23,016 --> 00:36:24,726
You know what I'm talking about?

640
00:36:28,730 --> 00:36:30,774
I call it "the thickening."

641
00:36:33,235 --> 00:36:35,696
And, boys, you need
to know about the thickening

642
00:36:35,779 --> 00:36:38,532
because so many of our behaviors
as women, you're like,

643
00:36:38,615 --> 00:36:40,659
"She just went crazy,
everything was fine."

644
00:36:40,742 --> 00:36:43,412
No, 'twas the thickening. It's not you.

645
00:36:44,246 --> 00:36:46,373
You brought over a nice meal.
It's not your fault.

646
00:36:46,456 --> 00:36:48,876
The girl's sitting there,
"I'm having the best time," and…

647
00:36:48,959 --> 00:36:50,335
<i>Poof! </i>"Uh-oh!"

648
00:36:52,379 --> 00:36:53,422
"Get me out of here!"

649
00:36:53,505 --> 00:36:56,675
And you should know,
once the thickening happens, it's over,

650
00:36:56,758 --> 00:36:58,093
and it's nothing you did.

651
00:36:58,177 --> 00:37:01,138
We need to go to a safe space
and eat more food, okay?

652
00:37:01,221 --> 00:37:02,639
That's what the thickening is.

653
00:37:05,809 --> 00:37:07,060
She's not horny.

654
00:37:07,895 --> 00:37:09,188
You've got to get her out of there.

655
00:37:09,271 --> 00:37:11,481
No woman's ever been like,
"I just feel so gross."

656
00:37:11,565 --> 00:37:12,691
"Let's fuck it out of me!"

657
00:37:12,774 --> 00:37:14,318
It's over.

658
00:37:14,902 --> 00:37:16,111
Give it a beat.

659
00:37:16,945 --> 00:37:19,740
I was feeling so bad about myself
and so mad at myself

660
00:37:19,823 --> 00:37:22,951
and just awful, and my husband
looks at me and he goes,

661
00:37:23,035 --> 00:37:24,953
"Well, I think you're beautiful."

662
00:37:25,037 --> 00:37:26,455
Aww!

663
00:37:32,294 --> 00:37:35,422
"It's not about what you think!"

664
00:37:44,723 --> 00:37:47,518
"It's between me and her,
and she doesn't even know it!"

665
00:37:52,064 --> 00:37:55,442
And every night we'd go to bed,
I would kiss my husband good night,

666
00:37:55,526 --> 00:37:57,277
and I would say, "I love you."

667
00:37:57,361 --> 00:37:59,196
My husband would say, "I love you too."

668
00:37:59,988 --> 00:38:01,490
And I would say, "Okay."

669
00:38:03,116 --> 00:38:04,117
"Go to sleep."

670
00:38:05,452 --> 00:38:09,581
And he'd roll over and he'd go to bed,
and I'd roll over and stare at the door.

671
00:38:10,874 --> 00:38:12,376
Where bra would be hanging.

672
00:38:20,843 --> 00:38:22,636
And I'd look at her and she at me.

673
00:38:24,429 --> 00:38:25,764
And I'd whisper to her.

674
00:38:25,848 --> 00:38:28,433
And I'd say, "I love you."

675
00:38:31,603 --> 00:38:33,856
And bra would look back at me
and she'd say,

676
00:38:34,857 --> 00:38:36,859
"Let me die!"

677
00:38:48,745 --> 00:38:50,664
"I served you well."

678
00:38:52,124 --> 00:38:54,918
"My cups runneth over."

679
00:38:58,213 --> 00:39:02,259
"Seriously, you need
to go up a band size."

680
00:39:04,887 --> 00:39:06,388
And I'd say, "Please, don't go."

681
00:39:06,471 --> 00:39:08,682
"You could at least wash me!"

682
00:39:14,313 --> 00:39:16,815
I'm like, "I need you now
more than ever."

683
00:39:16,899 --> 00:39:19,318
"I can be useful in other ways."

684
00:39:20,027 --> 00:39:21,778
"You can carry your jewelry in my cups."

685
00:39:21,862 --> 00:39:25,199
"I could be stuffed into the shoe
to keep its form."

686
00:39:25,282 --> 00:39:27,743
It was like the end of <i>The Giving Tree.</i>

687
00:39:30,412 --> 00:39:35,000
"Cut off my straps and make me
into a necklace for a village cat."

688
00:39:42,424 --> 00:39:45,928
Only been married for four years,
but in that short time,

689
00:39:46,011 --> 00:39:48,096
I have figured out what marriage is.

690
00:39:49,139 --> 00:39:50,599
Notice how everyone's silent.

691
00:39:50,682 --> 00:39:54,686
All the long-haulers are like,
"Let's hear it, missy!"

692
00:40:04,321 --> 00:40:08,450
Marriage is, every morning
for the rest of your life,

693
00:40:08,534 --> 00:40:13,455
waking up next to someone
and having to hear a full report

694
00:40:13,539 --> 00:40:15,666
of how that person slept.

695
00:40:24,675 --> 00:40:28,762
And if you don't act
like this information is new…

696
00:40:31,557 --> 00:40:35,727
…and interesting, you are a monster.

697
00:40:37,896 --> 00:40:39,565
My husband does not sleep well.

698
00:40:40,524 --> 00:40:44,611
I know my husband does not sleep well
because I sleep next to my husband.

699
00:40:46,780 --> 00:40:50,617
But part of my wifely duties is,
every morning, I must play the part.

700
00:40:50,701 --> 00:40:52,452
I must get into character.

701
00:40:52,536 --> 00:40:53,996
I wake up, I see him.

702
00:40:57,124 --> 00:40:58,417
"Oh!"

703
00:41:03,088 --> 00:41:05,340
"How did you sleep…

704
00:41:10,220 --> 00:41:11,889
…milord?"

705
00:41:15,017 --> 00:41:16,935
"Seems you've grown a tail."

706
00:41:18,979 --> 00:41:21,064
Then my husband plays his part.

707
00:41:21,148 --> 00:41:22,816
"Who, me?"

708
00:41:23,609 --> 00:41:25,068
"Ohh!"

709
00:41:28,238 --> 00:41:29,907
"Not well."

710
00:41:32,367 --> 00:41:35,162
And then I'm like, "Oh."

711
00:41:36,580 --> 00:41:38,790
"That's fascinating."

712
00:41:40,667 --> 00:41:44,755
"Hmm. What could we do
with this brand-new problem?"

713
00:41:46,465 --> 00:41:48,675
"Do you think you maybe,

714
00:41:50,302 --> 00:41:51,261
finally,

715
00:41:52,638 --> 00:41:56,099
want to see a medical doctor…

716
00:42:04,775 --> 00:42:06,985
…before I kill you?!"

717
00:42:12,032 --> 00:42:14,159
I don't talk about my husband
a ton in my act,

718
00:42:14,243 --> 00:42:16,328
but I did that joke for the first time
a few weeks ago

719
00:42:16,411 --> 00:42:18,121
and he was on tour with me,

720
00:42:18,205 --> 00:42:22,251
and I came off-stage, I was like,
"Is that okay?"

721
00:42:43,021 --> 00:42:44,982
And my husband was like,
"No, it's great."

722
00:42:46,233 --> 00:42:47,359
"It's great, it's cool."

723
00:42:48,402 --> 00:42:53,073
"It's just really cool
how only one of us has a microphone."

724
00:42:56,535 --> 00:42:57,661
I was like, "What do you mean?"

725
00:42:57,744 --> 00:42:59,872
He's like,
"Like you never repeat yourself?"

726
00:42:59,955 --> 00:43:01,206
I'm like, "What do I repeat?"

727
00:43:01,290 --> 00:43:04,960
He's like, "How many times a night
do you yell at me to look at the dog?"

728
00:43:07,254 --> 00:43:10,090
"She's a dog, and she's naked.
Look at her!"

729
00:43:13,135 --> 00:43:15,888
"Look at-- she sleeps between my feet,
I see her."

730
00:43:15,971 --> 00:43:17,347
"She has tail and mouth."

731
00:43:19,057 --> 00:43:22,519
"She has perfect nose-to-mouth ratio,
one-to-one, never seen before."

732
00:43:23,353 --> 00:43:24,771
"She's just baby."

733
00:43:24,855 --> 00:43:26,857
He's like, "You know,
we have a real baby."

734
00:43:26,940 --> 00:43:28,442
"But this one has four feet!"

735
00:43:32,237 --> 00:43:34,781
"You can kiss this one deep in the mouth,
you will not go to jail."

736
00:43:41,205 --> 00:43:42,289
Don't judge me.

737
00:43:46,585 --> 00:43:48,045
My husband has trouble sleeping.

738
00:43:48,128 --> 00:43:50,923
I actually have a little bit of trouble
going to bed because,

739
00:43:51,006 --> 00:43:53,800
I don't know if you're like me,
but I need to look at TikTok

740
00:43:53,884 --> 00:43:56,428
for six to eight hours before I…

741
00:43:57,095 --> 00:43:58,222
Yeah!

742
00:43:58,889 --> 00:44:00,015
Oh, it's my reward.

743
00:44:00,098 --> 00:44:03,310
I'm like, "I read a full paragraph
of an actual book."

744
00:44:03,393 --> 00:44:05,020
<i>Brrrrr!</i>

745
00:44:05,103 --> 00:44:06,772
I will look at anything.

746
00:44:06,855 --> 00:44:10,317
I will <i>Clockwork Orange </i>my eyes open,
and I will let it feed me

747
00:44:10,400 --> 00:44:12,653
conspiracy theories,
ancient alien architecture,

748
00:44:12,736 --> 00:44:14,863
a Pomeranian in a raincoat,
Taiwanese nail art,

749
00:44:14,947 --> 00:44:18,158
pizza-making tutorials, a duck walking
across a deck.

750
00:44:18,242 --> 00:44:21,286
I will look at lipless pit bulls,
I don't care.

751
00:44:21,370 --> 00:44:25,374
The other day, I watched a thick couple
in rural Illinois do a custody exchange

752
00:44:25,457 --> 00:44:27,459
in the parking lot of a Hobby Lobby…

753
00:44:33,340 --> 00:44:35,592
…to a Jason Derulo song.

754
00:44:38,053 --> 00:44:39,930
And I double-tapped for part two.

755
00:44:40,013 --> 00:44:43,225
I… watched these two thumbs

756
00:44:43,308 --> 00:44:47,521
get out of their matching
cherry-red F-250, swap kids,

757
00:44:47,604 --> 00:44:50,899
and the dad looks at the camera
like he's hosting <i>American Idol </i>and goes,

758
00:44:50,983 --> 00:44:53,694
"We're divorced but we co-parent.
How do we do it?"

759
00:44:53,777 --> 00:44:56,864
I'm like, "Probably a court order, Zeke."
Double-tap, part three.

760
00:44:58,532 --> 00:45:01,827
Then I watched them each get back into
their truck next to their new spouse, who,

761
00:45:01,910 --> 00:45:03,996
let's be honest,
it's the middle-of-nowhere America,

762
00:45:04,079 --> 00:45:06,665
looked identical
to the melted vanilla pudding cup

763
00:45:06,748 --> 00:45:08,500
they left in the first place.

764
00:45:11,545 --> 00:45:13,338
Real lateral trade if you ask me.

765
00:45:13,422 --> 00:45:16,842
And then I double-tap for part four,
it was a link to their family Etsy store.

766
00:45:16,925 --> 00:45:18,844
I bought a bandanna. Shop small, America.

767
00:45:24,766 --> 00:45:27,978
My biggest issue with social media

768
00:45:28,061 --> 00:45:32,191
is the commodification
of intangible things, right?

769
00:45:32,274 --> 00:45:34,985
The commodification of mental health,
for example, okay?

770
00:45:35,068 --> 00:45:37,446
So, what do I mean by that, America?
Well, I mean this.

771
00:45:37,529 --> 00:45:38,780
Whatever you're dealing with,

772
00:45:38,864 --> 00:45:41,617
no matter how niche or huge
what you're dealing with is,

773
00:45:41,700 --> 00:45:44,328
there is someone who knows
exactly what you're going through.

774
00:45:44,411 --> 00:45:47,080
They've written papers on your issue
and gone to school for it.

775
00:45:47,164 --> 00:45:49,875
They are called doctors,
and I will tell you what, America,

776
00:45:49,958 --> 00:45:51,418
after these last few years,

777
00:45:51,501 --> 00:45:53,837
those are the only people
from whom I would like to hear.

778
00:45:53,921 --> 00:45:57,382
I don't want your feelings to be facts,
I'm not interested in alternative facts.

779
00:45:57,466 --> 00:45:59,593
I'm not interested in armchair psychology.

780
00:45:59,676 --> 00:46:02,262
I'm not interested in your trauma
giving you the qualification

781
00:46:02,346 --> 00:46:03,972
to give some sort of medical advice,

782
00:46:04,056 --> 00:46:07,142
and don't be so sure that the person
on the other end of that TikTok

783
00:46:07,226 --> 00:46:08,310
actually cares about you.

784
00:46:08,393 --> 00:46:11,939
Remember, a look is a like, okay?
A click is a like is a dollar.

785
00:46:12,022 --> 00:46:13,857
This is all being monetized, okay?

786
00:46:13,941 --> 00:46:16,568
So just be very careful
because you don't know who's over there

787
00:46:16,652 --> 00:46:18,070
and what their intentions are.

788
00:46:18,153 --> 00:46:20,614
I only want to hear
from doctors and scientists.

789
00:46:20,697 --> 00:46:22,241
I don't want to hear from couples

790
00:46:22,324 --> 00:46:24,826
who think vanilla essential oils
cure autism.

791
00:46:24,910 --> 00:46:29,540
I don't want to hear from anyone
who's done their own "research,"

792
00:46:29,623 --> 00:46:31,458
personal facts, none of that.

793
00:46:33,210 --> 00:46:34,586
Because it finds you.

794
00:46:34,670 --> 00:46:37,297
You have to be clear about
what you're looking for, it will find you.

795
00:46:37,381 --> 00:46:41,343
You're looking at those lipless bulldogs,
like, "Baby needs a kiss on the mouth."

796
00:46:41,426 --> 00:46:45,013
And they pop on like, "Hey there,
just dropping in to remind you,

797
00:46:45,097 --> 00:46:46,181
make space for Grace."

798
00:46:46,265 --> 00:46:48,976
You're like, "Who the fuck is Grace?"
Get out of here.

799
00:46:49,560 --> 00:46:52,521
There's always some girl named Cheyenne
with a dream-catcher tattoo.

800
00:46:52,604 --> 00:46:56,567
Like, "Hey there, just dropping on
to remind you you are safe on this page."

801
00:46:56,650 --> 00:46:58,902
No shit I'm safe,
I'm taking a dump in my own home.

802
00:46:58,986 --> 00:47:00,028
Get out of here!

803
00:47:03,824 --> 00:47:06,159
Commodification of feminism
is another one.

804
00:47:06,243 --> 00:47:11,373
To review, feminism is the idea
that people should be treated equally.

805
00:47:11,456 --> 00:47:12,332
That's it.

806
00:47:17,629 --> 00:47:20,090
It shouldn't be politicized.

807
00:47:20,174 --> 00:47:23,468
And I understand that it has
the prefix "fem," so it's like "ugh."

808
00:47:23,552 --> 00:47:25,721
But in our third-
and fourth-wave feminism,

809
00:47:25,804 --> 00:47:28,974
in an attempt to empower women,
we've decided the best way to do that,

810
00:47:29,057 --> 00:47:30,392
to communicate with the masses,

811
00:47:30,475 --> 00:47:32,895
is to talk to women
like they are fucking idiots.

812
00:47:32,978 --> 00:47:35,856
And we use a specific language.
You've seen it.

813
00:47:35,939 --> 00:47:38,984
You've seen it in gift shops,
you've seen it on thank-you cards,

814
00:47:39,067 --> 00:47:40,986
you've seen it on empowerment bags.

815
00:47:41,069 --> 00:47:44,990
You've seen this pejorative,
infantilized, I call it "glitter speak."

816
00:47:45,073 --> 00:47:47,868
You've seen it, splayed across RBG totes

817
00:47:47,951 --> 00:47:50,537
and "Michelle Obama on a unicorn"
wine bottles.

818
00:47:50,621 --> 00:47:52,706
You've seen this language.

819
00:47:52,789 --> 00:47:55,542
"Yes, sassy bitch, sassy A-F,
work, queen."

820
00:47:55,626 --> 00:47:58,503
"Yes, girl, twerk it, mama.
Rosé all day."

821
00:47:58,587 --> 00:48:00,339
"Thiccck with three c's."

822
00:48:00,422 --> 00:48:01,673
"Workin' and twerkin'."

823
00:48:01,757 --> 00:48:04,259
"Not an entrepreneur,
a she-entrepreneur."

824
00:48:04,343 --> 00:48:06,386
"Not a boss, a boss bitch."

825
00:48:06,470 --> 00:48:09,515
"'Cause it's different
than a regular boss, like a boy."

826
00:48:09,598 --> 00:48:12,184
"Boss bitch, yes, twerk, queen mama,
thick raccoon bitch,

827
00:48:12,267 --> 00:48:14,102
do-it-all-day, bubble-gum mama thing."

828
00:48:14,186 --> 00:48:16,355
"Yes, queen, work, bitch."

829
00:48:16,438 --> 00:48:18,190
"Slay all day, mama."

830
00:48:18,273 --> 00:48:21,443
They stole this language
from Black gay trans drag queens

831
00:48:21,527 --> 00:48:24,821
and made it their own
to sell you pencil bags.

832
00:48:29,493 --> 00:48:31,495
Who is this language good for?

833
00:48:32,454 --> 00:48:35,582
I don't want to be a boss bitch.
I don't want be a bitch.

834
00:48:35,666 --> 00:48:37,125
That's not nice.

835
00:48:38,418 --> 00:48:39,628
I want to be regular boss.

836
00:48:39,711 --> 00:48:42,923
You would be horrified if someone
used this language in real life.

837
00:48:43,006 --> 00:48:46,093
So I don't understand why we think
it's okay to just write it on everything.

838
00:48:46,176 --> 00:48:49,137
You'd be horrified, girls,
if you were at work and your male boss

839
00:48:49,221 --> 00:48:51,598
went up to your male co-worker
and was like, "Tom, good job."

840
00:48:51,682 --> 00:48:55,185
"Keep it up, cowboy style, oorah,"
and then…

841
00:48:57,062 --> 00:49:00,399
he turned to you and was like,
"And to you, she-bitch…

842
00:49:02,568 --> 00:49:05,362
keep it up, thiccck-ass glitter queen."

843
00:49:05,445 --> 00:49:07,281
"Yes, mama."

844
00:49:07,364 --> 00:49:09,950
"Workin' and twerkin' on the weekend."

845
00:49:10,033 --> 00:49:14,246
"Keep rewriting herstory,
not history, right?"

846
00:49:14,329 --> 00:49:17,332
"You thick, juicy, empowered slut."

847
00:49:22,671 --> 00:49:23,797
Who wants that?

848
00:49:25,424 --> 00:49:27,384
We like the idea of empowering women.

849
00:49:27,467 --> 00:49:31,221
In theory, that's a really nice idea,
but in practice we're still uncomfortable

850
00:49:31,305 --> 00:49:33,307
with the idea of a strong woman
who makes money.

851
00:49:33,390 --> 00:49:36,602
We want to promote the idea, like,
"Yes, work, get that money."

852
00:49:36,685 --> 00:49:38,562
But when you do,
when a woman is a capitalist,

853
00:49:38,645 --> 00:49:41,106
it's like, "Well, how are you
considering other women

854
00:49:41,190 --> 00:49:42,941
and the planet and the animals?"

855
00:49:43,025 --> 00:49:46,486
"What are you doing to make sure--
Have you apologized lately?"

856
00:49:46,570 --> 00:49:49,406
"What are you doing to stay humble?"

857
00:49:49,489 --> 00:49:51,283
We don't like it
when women are capitalists.

858
00:49:51,366 --> 00:49:53,785
We love it when men
are unabashed and kicking in dicks.

859
00:49:53,869 --> 00:49:58,540
You ever see Realtor billboards
outside, like in rural areas?

860
00:49:58,624 --> 00:50:02,044
It's always some jackass
in a ten-gallon hat and a gun,

861
00:50:02,127 --> 00:50:04,588
just like…
"My name is Dan,

862
00:50:04,671 --> 00:50:08,050
and I'm the number-one Realtor
on the south side of town."

863
00:50:08,133 --> 00:50:11,094
"I'm Cowboy Dan and I will
fuck your wife in your condo

864
00:50:11,178 --> 00:50:14,056
and sell it back to you
with a 30% markup."

865
00:50:14,139 --> 00:50:15,641
"Let's do some paperwork."

866
00:50:15,724 --> 00:50:17,643
"Come on, come here!"

867
00:50:17,726 --> 00:50:19,019
You never see that!

868
00:50:19,102 --> 00:50:21,688
"Oh, Vigilante Dan!
Oh, take all my money!"

869
00:50:21,772 --> 00:50:25,025
You never see a woman, like,
"My name's Vicky,

870
00:50:25,108 --> 00:50:29,905
and I got a fat vagina and a pistol,
and you can ride this vagina to savings!"

871
00:50:29,988 --> 00:50:31,573
You never see that.

872
00:50:32,991 --> 00:50:34,284
Ever.

873
00:50:36,370 --> 00:50:40,332
And it's easy for me to stand up here and
tell you to be empowered and be strong,

874
00:50:40,415 --> 00:50:43,627
but we all know, when you're a woman,
the real world is very scary,

875
00:50:43,710 --> 00:50:45,504
and you will be dinged,
you will be faulted

876
00:50:45,587 --> 00:50:49,299
for failing to not be perfect
to everyone all the time.

877
00:50:49,383 --> 00:50:52,845
And what breaks my heart is that women
can't carry that strength all the time.

878
00:50:52,928 --> 00:50:56,390
And it breaks my heart
when girls who really have done nothing

879
00:50:56,473 --> 00:50:57,599
get attacked.

880
00:50:57,683 --> 00:51:00,519
You go online, you see a girl,
maybe she's not the prettiest girl, right?

881
00:51:00,602 --> 00:51:03,063
And you know it took a lot
for her to post a picture.

882
00:51:03,146 --> 00:51:06,149
And there's always one comment
from a private account,

883
00:51:06,233 --> 00:51:07,901
'cause you know he's brave…

884
00:51:09,486 --> 00:51:11,446
This poor girl took everything
to post a picture,

885
00:51:11,530 --> 00:51:13,615
and it's something about her weight
or her gender

886
00:51:13,699 --> 00:51:15,325
or telling her to kill herself.

887
00:51:15,409 --> 00:51:17,703
"Why can't you control yourself,
you fat bitch?"

888
00:51:17,786 --> 00:51:21,081
Why can't you control your thumbs,
motherfucker, and just say nothing

889
00:51:21,164 --> 00:51:22,791
to this stranger?

890
00:51:25,794 --> 00:51:28,046
Ask any women in your life,

891
00:51:28,130 --> 00:51:32,301
you do not have to be famous
for people to say vile things to you.

892
00:51:32,384 --> 00:51:35,637
It's easy, we just say, "Just ignore it,"
but you carry it with you.

893
00:51:35,721 --> 00:51:38,724
By the way, I don't think
it's the gentlemen that are here,

894
00:51:39,391 --> 00:51:42,311
because if you buy a ticket
to see me, you're very smart.

895
00:51:43,896 --> 00:51:45,689
You're a good guy, you are.

896
00:51:46,148 --> 00:51:47,649
And I love you.

897
00:51:47,733 --> 00:51:48,984
If you don't know who I am

898
00:51:49,067 --> 00:51:51,528
and your girlfriend dragged you here,
I have your money.

899
00:51:56,200 --> 00:51:57,492
I've got great news for you boys.

900
00:51:57,576 --> 00:52:01,330
If you're ever online and see a girl
that you don't like for whatever reason,

901
00:52:01,413 --> 00:52:04,625
you don't like the shape of her body,
the cut of her jib, the size of her tooth,

902
00:52:04,708 --> 00:52:07,419
she's only got the one, whatever,

903
00:52:07,502 --> 00:52:10,631
great news for you, boys,
you don't have to fuck her.

904
00:52:11,882 --> 00:52:12,883
Isn't that great?

905
00:52:14,384 --> 00:52:17,638
We don't have that program set up yet.
That's right, you don't have to fuck her.

906
00:52:17,721 --> 00:52:20,891
You don't have to patronize her business,
you don't have to pay her any mind,

907
00:52:20,974 --> 00:52:23,435
you never have to see her again,
'cause you have the power

908
00:52:23,519 --> 00:52:26,772
to take your probably very small finger
and… …scroll right on by.

909
00:52:26,855 --> 00:52:28,482
That's all you gotta do.

910
00:52:31,401 --> 00:52:33,445
Don't pay your pain forward.

911
00:52:34,279 --> 00:52:37,157
I wish that women
could speak to men in real life

912
00:52:37,241 --> 00:52:40,160
with the impunity
with which you speak to us online.

913
00:52:40,244 --> 00:52:43,455
That's what I wish, I wish there was
a federal holiday every day

914
00:52:44,122 --> 00:52:47,125
where I could just tee off,
no physical repercussions.

915
00:52:47,209 --> 00:52:50,379
I could be walking with a girlfriend,
and one of you walk by,

916
00:52:50,462 --> 00:52:53,131
and I'd be like,
"That one, I'm having a bad day."

917
00:52:53,215 --> 00:52:54,341
"I'm gonna go off."

918
00:52:54,424 --> 00:52:56,426
And she'd be like,
"Don't do it, you don't know him."

919
00:52:56,510 --> 00:52:58,679
"That's the whole point
of this holiday. Hey!"

920
00:52:59,972 --> 00:53:03,141
"You, yeah. It's thinning up here,
we can all tell, fuck you."

921
00:53:10,649 --> 00:53:15,320
There is an anger toward women
in our world, in our country.

922
00:53:15,404 --> 00:53:18,156
You can see it with the current
legislation that's being written.

923
00:53:18,240 --> 00:53:20,492
However, I wrote this joke
before all this happened.

924
00:53:20,576 --> 00:53:24,413
Lucky for me, hating women is evergreen
and so these jokes still work.

925
00:53:27,040 --> 00:53:31,044
But there is an anger toward women
when they don't give attention,

926
00:53:31,128 --> 00:53:33,881
a sexual experience, love,
admiration, a conversation

927
00:53:33,964 --> 00:53:35,382
to an absolute stranger,

928
00:53:35,465 --> 00:53:38,260
and there can be deadly
consequences for it.

929
00:53:38,343 --> 00:53:40,888
And that's not her fault,
but this is what happens.

930
00:53:40,971 --> 00:53:44,641
Now is the portion where I bring it down
in order to bring it back up, here we go.

931
00:53:46,059 --> 00:53:48,812
That kid that shot up the University
of Santa Barbara a couple years ago--

932
00:53:48,896 --> 00:53:51,023
I know, it is hard to keep them
straight, America,

933
00:53:51,106 --> 00:53:54,401
but this one was different,
because this kid wrote a whole manifesto

934
00:53:54,484 --> 00:53:56,278
about how women
don't pay attention to him

935
00:53:56,361 --> 00:53:58,405
and don't sleep with him
and this is what they deserve.

936
00:53:58,488 --> 00:54:00,991
That guy that shot up
that Asian strip mall in Atlanta,

937
00:54:01,074 --> 00:54:04,036
he had a whole interview
about how women don't sleep with him

938
00:54:04,119 --> 00:54:06,580
and he's alone
and this is what they deserve.

939
00:54:06,663 --> 00:54:09,374
So now this next part,
I'm going to be as clear as possible,

940
00:54:09,458 --> 00:54:12,711
because this is a Netflix special,
so what I say next will be translated

941
00:54:12,794 --> 00:54:14,087
into hundreds of languages,

942
00:54:14,171 --> 00:54:15,881
and I want to be succinct
and I want to be loud

943
00:54:15,964 --> 00:54:17,591
and I want to be clear, so here we go.

944
00:54:25,516 --> 00:54:28,560
Gentlemen, if you are not having sex,

945
00:54:28,644 --> 00:54:30,938
and we're not talking a dry spell,

946
00:54:31,021 --> 00:54:32,856
we're not talking you're a little shy,

947
00:54:32,940 --> 00:54:36,068
we're not talking, "Your Aunt Sheila
did a number on me, I gotta take a knee."

948
00:54:36,151 --> 00:54:39,446
We're not talking you swiped right,
she had a tail.

949
00:54:39,530 --> 00:54:41,907
You didn't know it
till the Awesome Blossom came.

950
00:54:43,742 --> 00:54:45,994
We are talking, if you don't have sex--

951
00:54:46,078 --> 00:54:47,329
and the narrative of your life

952
00:54:47,412 --> 00:54:50,832
is that you are not having sex
because women are bitches,

953
00:54:50,916 --> 00:54:54,753
women are whores, you're a nice guy
and you deserve better--

954
00:54:54,836 --> 00:54:58,173
that is nature's way of saying
you should not be having sex,

955
00:54:58,257 --> 00:55:02,386
for you failed to adapt and evolve
and there should be no more of your kind.

956
00:55:07,182 --> 00:55:09,434
If you can't figure it out.

957
00:55:18,694 --> 00:55:21,989
And I understand,
women cheer for that, most men do.

958
00:55:22,072 --> 00:55:24,700
Some men are reserved, I get it.
I'm a girl, I'm not one of you.

959
00:55:24,783 --> 00:55:27,035
And you don't know,
"I don't wanna cheer for that."

960
00:55:27,119 --> 00:55:30,581
"Bros before hos,
I'm leaving behind my guys."

961
00:55:30,664 --> 00:55:31,582
"I can't do that."

962
00:55:31,665 --> 00:55:32,708
Yes, leave them!

963
00:55:32,791 --> 00:55:36,795
Leave the diseased portion
of your herd that is broken.

964
00:55:38,005 --> 00:55:40,549
They're giving you a bad name.

965
00:55:41,758 --> 00:55:42,968
We believe you are good.

966
00:55:43,051 --> 00:55:46,930
Come with us for snacks
and sex and good-looking babies.

967
00:55:48,765 --> 00:55:51,393
And, gentlemen, if it still makes you
uncomfortable, I get it.

968
00:55:51,476 --> 00:55:55,606
It might make you more comfortable
to note that I stole that idea from a man

969
00:55:57,566 --> 00:55:58,525
named Charles Darwin.

970
00:55:58,609 --> 00:56:00,903
You can Wikipedia it, okay?

971
00:56:02,946 --> 00:56:05,532
It's just evolution and adapting.

972
00:56:05,616 --> 00:56:09,077
Because here's the truth, boys,
it is so easy to get a girl.

973
00:56:09,161 --> 00:56:12,039
This is where I lose the women.
You were on my side, "We're outta here."

974
00:56:12,122 --> 00:56:14,249
It's so easy to get a girl.

975
00:56:14,333 --> 00:56:17,169
By virtue of the fact that there are
more women than men on this planet,

976
00:56:17,252 --> 00:56:20,714
it means the odds are
ever in your favor, okay?

977
00:56:22,007 --> 00:56:24,927
The fact that women are brainwashed
into thinking that we lose value

978
00:56:25,010 --> 00:56:28,096
as we get older, that's not true,
but as we get older,

979
00:56:28,180 --> 00:56:30,807
our standards aren't lowered,
but they are negotiable.

980
00:56:30,891 --> 00:56:32,476
So, you can get in there.

981
00:56:33,185 --> 00:56:35,270
And I know, I'm supposed
to stand here and be like,

982
00:56:35,354 --> 00:56:37,523
"All women are fucking treasures,"
and we are.

983
00:56:37,606 --> 00:56:40,400
"All women are She-Diva
power bitches, that's right."

984
00:56:40,484 --> 00:56:41,568
"Diamonds in the muff."

985
00:56:41,652 --> 00:56:44,238
"All women are delicate,
beautiful flowers…"

986
00:56:45,113 --> 00:56:46,198
Some are.

987
00:56:46,740 --> 00:56:48,825
And some are total armadillos.

988
00:56:48,909 --> 00:56:52,162
And, boys, get you an armadillo.

989
00:56:52,913 --> 00:56:55,958
You get you a fully loaded armadilly
with a CD changer and everything.

990
00:56:57,084 --> 00:56:58,168
Get in there.

991
00:56:59,294 --> 00:57:01,588
So many girls are like,
"Am I an armadillo?" No.

992
00:57:03,340 --> 00:57:05,926
I'm afraid that when I say that,
I'm gonna see that back door open

993
00:57:06,009 --> 00:57:07,594
and I'm just gonna see a shell and a tail.

994
00:57:11,890 --> 00:57:14,434
"I did not drive in all the way
from Toledo to be told…"

995
00:57:21,066 --> 00:57:24,611
It is so easy to get a girl, gentlemen.
All you got to do is show up.

996
00:57:24,695 --> 00:57:27,489
Just be good at… something.

997
00:57:28,907 --> 00:57:31,827
Women love a man with a purpose,
even if it's a dumb one.

998
00:57:31,910 --> 00:57:33,161
"I love model trains."

999
00:57:33,245 --> 00:57:34,580
Like, "I'm there."

1000
00:57:34,663 --> 00:57:36,039
A girl-- it doesn't matter.

1001
00:57:36,123 --> 00:57:38,542
He's got a passion, it could be anything.

1002
00:57:38,625 --> 00:57:41,879
You know what?
Even fishing, someone will take you.

1003
00:57:43,922 --> 00:57:48,010
Some woman will be like, "I'll take him.
So, is that a wide-mouth you caught?"

1004
00:57:49,761 --> 00:57:53,599
"I can look at your Instagram where
you're holding all of them? I can't wait."

1005
00:57:55,642 --> 00:57:58,520
You could be good at anything.
You could be smart, that's always a plus.

1006
00:57:58,604 --> 00:58:02,107
You could be rich, obviously,
good-looking, good at math.

1007
00:58:02,191 --> 00:58:05,194
You could be nice.
Turns out that's attractive.

1008
00:58:11,575 --> 00:58:13,202
Like, later in life.

1009
00:58:13,827 --> 00:58:16,330
I know, men don't--
"I don't want to be nice, I'm Rambo!"

1010
00:58:16,413 --> 00:58:18,332
"I'm a badass.
I don't want to be nice."

1011
00:58:18,415 --> 00:58:19,625
"Nice guys finish last."

1012
00:58:19,708 --> 00:58:22,085
Yes. But at least they finish.

1013
00:58:26,173 --> 00:58:28,634
You could be good with computers,
you could be funny.

1014
00:58:28,717 --> 00:58:30,594
-You could, honestly…

1015
00:58:30,677 --> 00:58:31,845
You could be an alcoholic.

1016
00:58:31,929 --> 00:58:33,180
You could be…

1017
00:58:36,433 --> 00:58:38,060
Some girls like to party.

1018
00:58:40,938 --> 00:58:44,024
You can be shy, that's kind of cute.
You can be nerdy.

1019
00:58:44,107 --> 00:58:45,108
Some dorkstress.

1020
00:58:45,192 --> 00:58:47,361
"I will roll
the eight-sided die with thee."

1021
00:58:47,444 --> 00:58:48,612
Like, whatever.

1022
00:58:49,446 --> 00:58:52,699
Honestly, sometimes
you could just be tall.

1023
00:58:54,076 --> 00:58:56,286
Like, for a little while, that's enough.

1024
00:58:57,788 --> 00:58:58,872
You could just be tall.

1025
00:58:58,956 --> 00:59:02,042
All the 5'10" guys are like, "Fuck you,
motherfucker, you could be tall."

1026
00:59:02,125 --> 00:59:04,419
"Try me alone, come here!"
You could just be tall.

1027
00:59:04,503 --> 00:59:07,130
You see the way girls' eyes light up?
"Tell us about your boyfriend."

1028
00:59:07,214 --> 00:59:09,383
"Coleton, okay, well,

1029
00:59:09,466 --> 00:59:11,468
he's tall!"

1030
00:59:13,428 --> 00:59:15,931
"Coleton, stand in the Zoom
'cause I want my family to see

1031
00:59:16,014 --> 00:59:18,684
how tall you are, especially my sister,
'cause she's a bitch, come here."

1032
00:59:18,767 --> 00:59:20,602
"Stand in the Zoom.
Stand next to me."

1033
00:59:26,608 --> 00:59:27,860
"Stop it."

1034
00:59:30,195 --> 00:59:32,406
"Put on a fucking towel, stop it."

1035
00:59:33,782 --> 00:59:35,826
"I'm not looking at that, stop it!"

1036
00:59:37,411 --> 00:59:40,497
"Because the whole audience
doesn't realize it's a dick, stop it!"

1037
00:59:47,379 --> 00:59:49,840
You can get a girl, boys.
Magicians have girlfriends.

1038
00:59:52,259 --> 00:59:55,554
I'm not even talking like David Blaine,
multimillionaire Vegas magician.

1039
00:59:55,637 --> 00:59:58,557
We're talking some guy doing
sleight of hand at a bar mitzvah.

1040
00:59:58,640 --> 01:00:03,228
He's got a girl waiting in his Ultima
in the parking lot.

1041
01:00:03,312 --> 01:00:05,022
"That's my baby!"

1042
01:00:06,815 --> 01:00:12,654
In closing, been married for four years.
I'm 39 years old.

1043
01:00:12,738 --> 01:00:15,032
We have a beautiful little girl
who just turned six months old.

1044
01:00:15,115 --> 01:00:17,993
And before we had that beautiful
little girl, about a year before,

1045
01:00:18,076 --> 01:00:21,872
we thought we were going to have
a baby and we had a miscarriage.

1046
01:00:21,955 --> 01:00:24,082
And I don't tell you that
to garner sympathy

1047
01:00:24,166 --> 01:00:26,627
or make anyone sad
or bring the room down, Cleveland.

1048
01:00:26,710 --> 01:00:32,424
I only tell you I had a miscarriage
because I have a microphone,

1049
01:00:32,508 --> 01:00:34,343
and we don't talk about these things.

1050
01:00:40,974 --> 01:00:42,976
And I'm not embarrassed about it.

1051
01:00:43,060 --> 01:00:45,103
And maybe if we did talk
about these things,

1052
01:00:45,187 --> 01:00:46,939
maybe if we normalized these discussions,

1053
01:00:47,022 --> 01:00:49,816
maybe if all discussions
about women's bodies weren't hidden

1054
01:00:49,900 --> 01:00:52,861
under a stack of cash, under a Bible,
under a federal building, maybe…

1055
01:00:59,409 --> 01:01:02,538
If this happens to you, because it happens
to three out of every ten women,

1056
01:01:02,621 --> 01:01:04,498
it's not that it would
take the sting out of it,

1057
01:01:04,581 --> 01:01:06,500
but you would know
you're part of a large group.

1058
01:01:06,583 --> 01:01:09,670
You did nothing wrong.
You're not weird.

1059
01:01:09,753 --> 01:01:11,296
You're not bad.

1060
01:01:12,381 --> 01:01:16,301
You certainly shouldn't
be prosecuted for it.

1061
01:01:22,933 --> 01:01:24,184
And you'll be okay.

1062
01:01:25,519 --> 01:01:27,646
But it wasn't until
I got pregnant that first time

1063
01:01:27,729 --> 01:01:30,566
that I became personally in tune
with how often

1064
01:01:30,649 --> 01:01:32,192
women are asked about children.

1065
01:01:32,276 --> 01:01:34,862
Prior to that, no one had ever
asked me about children

1066
01:01:34,945 --> 01:01:37,489
because I'm a stand-up comic.

1067
01:01:38,323 --> 01:01:41,493
"Well, you'll just die
in a clown suit somewhere

1068
01:01:42,411 --> 01:01:44,538
on a regional flight, won't you?"

1069
01:01:46,415 --> 01:01:49,668
But I realize how often people ask women
about this, I didn't get that before.

1070
01:01:49,751 --> 01:01:53,630
Now, it's totally normal and innocuous
to ask a woman, "Do you have kids?"

1071
01:01:53,714 --> 01:01:56,800
It's an okay thing to ask
because we'll call it traditional.

1072
01:01:56,884 --> 01:01:59,052
Someone had kids,
that's why we're all in this room.

1073
01:01:59,136 --> 01:02:02,139
It's totally traditional for two humans
regardless of gender

1074
01:02:02,222 --> 01:02:06,351
to put their bodies together and then,
through means of sex, science,

1075
01:02:06,435 --> 01:02:07,603
or trade…

1076
01:02:09,688 --> 01:02:12,065
…acquire smaller humans
that they then put in their home

1077
01:02:12,149 --> 01:02:13,984
and then subsequently put to work.

1078
01:02:14,067 --> 01:02:15,235
Okay.

1079
01:02:16,486 --> 01:02:17,487
That's what's done.

1080
01:02:17,571 --> 01:02:19,698
It's a little less traditional to be like,

1081
01:02:19,781 --> 01:02:21,867
"We're in a throuple
and this is our tortoise."

1082
01:02:21,950 --> 01:02:23,327
But okay.

1083
01:02:24,578 --> 01:02:28,582
However, you ask a woman,
"Do you have kids?" and she says no,

1084
01:02:28,665 --> 01:02:34,004
if she doesn't continue that conversation,
that's not her in need of prompting.

1085
01:02:34,087 --> 01:02:35,631
"Do you want kids?"

1086
01:02:35,714 --> 01:02:38,884
She has her answer,
she was just drawing a boundary.

1087
01:02:42,012 --> 01:02:43,722
There's no more information.

1088
01:02:44,598 --> 01:02:46,099
We have to be okay with that.

1089
01:02:47,184 --> 01:02:50,479
She has her answer and she's thought
a lot about it, and it's personal to her,

1090
01:02:50,562 --> 01:02:53,732
and that answer is somewhere
in the realm of, "Yes, we do have kids."

1091
01:02:53,815 --> 01:02:54,983
"They're weird-looking."

1092
01:02:57,194 --> 01:03:00,030
"Yes, we want them, we're working on it,
we're fucking real hard."

1093
01:03:00,113 --> 01:03:03,116
"We're not sure, it's expensive,
something's wrong with me."

1094
01:03:03,200 --> 01:03:05,869
"More likely something wrong with him,
we don't know."

1095
01:03:05,953 --> 01:03:08,330
"Unclear, future's uncertain,
come back later,"

1096
01:03:08,413 --> 01:03:10,332
or, "Fuck no, we love our tortoise."

1097
01:03:10,415 --> 01:03:12,000
Whatever the answer is.

1098
01:03:15,546 --> 01:03:19,925
Whatever the answer, I promise you
her answer is never that she forgot

1099
01:03:20,008 --> 01:03:23,428
and thank God she ran into you
at the dry cleaner's.

1100
01:03:29,226 --> 01:03:33,397
Because, Cleveland, I think it speaks
to the constant conversations about women,

1101
01:03:33,480 --> 01:03:36,316
rarely to our betterment,
often to our detriment,

1102
01:03:36,400 --> 01:03:41,071
and the misinformation and disinformation
about vaginas, okay?

1103
01:03:41,154 --> 01:03:44,575
Remember, there's a lot of people making
a lot of money off of you feeling bad

1104
01:03:44,658 --> 01:03:46,618
about what's normal about you, okay?

1105
01:03:46,702 --> 01:03:48,871
We don't have to make
this political, we already did,

1106
01:03:48,954 --> 01:03:51,123
but we can keep this social.

1107
01:03:51,206 --> 01:03:52,624
We'll keep it in pop culture, right?

1108
01:03:52,708 --> 01:03:56,461
We'll talk about all the things
that we hear about this idea

1109
01:03:56,545 --> 01:03:58,422
that she's gotta keep it tight, right?

1110
01:03:58,505 --> 01:04:00,799
"A loose woman"?
You gotta keep it tight?

1111
01:04:00,883 --> 01:04:02,050
Let's put this to rest.

1112
01:04:02,134 --> 01:04:03,427
'Tis tight!

1113
01:04:05,387 --> 01:04:06,430
It's tight.

1114
01:04:06,513 --> 01:04:10,434
I understand if she's had several
children, it may not be that tight,

1115
01:04:10,517 --> 01:04:13,145
but chances are,
if she's had several children,

1116
01:04:13,228 --> 01:04:17,274
a tight vagina ain't at the top
of her priority list, okay?

1117
01:04:19,443 --> 01:04:22,237
It's tight enough.
Work your pelvic core for your own health.

1118
01:04:22,321 --> 01:04:24,323
But let's put it this way, gentlemen.

1119
01:04:24,406 --> 01:04:28,785
It's tight enough for you
and your five inches of fury, okay?

1120
01:04:29,578 --> 01:04:31,163
Which is plenty.

1121
01:04:33,582 --> 01:04:36,001
What's with making women
feel so insecure?

1122
01:04:36,084 --> 01:04:38,670
How tight do you need it, boys?
Are you fucking a dolphin blowhole?

1123
01:04:38,754 --> 01:04:42,132
You're fine.
All right? You're gonna have a good time.

1124
01:04:42,216 --> 01:04:45,093
This idea that it tastes like candy.

1125
01:04:45,677 --> 01:04:46,929
No candy!

1126
01:04:48,430 --> 01:04:50,307
No candy for you!

1127
01:04:50,891 --> 01:04:53,644
It's a vagina, it's a body part, okay?

1128
01:04:53,727 --> 01:04:56,855
At its finest, it might be, what,
a little metallic?

1129
01:04:56,939 --> 01:04:58,232
I don't fuckin' know.

1130
01:05:00,359 --> 01:05:01,777
Why would it taste like candy?

1131
01:05:01,860 --> 01:05:04,488
What other part of your body
are you like, "That is Ripple"?

1132
01:05:04,571 --> 01:05:06,031
Like, it's not…

1133
01:05:08,158 --> 01:05:10,369
Girls are gonna feel bad
that it doesn't taste like candy,

1134
01:05:10,452 --> 01:05:13,080
and you shouldn't make it taste
like candy, you're gonna make it sick.

1135
01:05:13,163 --> 01:05:14,289
That's a problem.

1136
01:05:16,416 --> 01:05:17,292
Makes girls feel bad.

1137
01:05:17,376 --> 01:05:20,212
If he comes up from down there, like,
"Green apple Jolly Rancher,"

1138
01:05:20,295 --> 01:05:21,964
you better call an ambulance.

1139
01:05:24,508 --> 01:05:25,467
Something went wrong.

1140
01:05:27,261 --> 01:05:30,055
Then finally, this idea, the stigma,

1141
01:05:30,138 --> 01:05:31,765
that you have to keep it clean.

1142
01:05:31,849 --> 01:05:32,975
No!

1143
01:05:33,684 --> 01:05:37,020
The vagina is self-cleaning. Okay?

1144
01:05:37,813 --> 01:05:39,064
Leave it alone.

1145
01:05:42,150 --> 01:05:45,028
Yeah, there's a small chance you're sick
and you have to see a doctor,

1146
01:05:45,112 --> 01:05:47,948
but for the most part, it is clean.

1147
01:05:48,031 --> 01:05:50,701
You know what isn't clean? Your penis.

1148
01:05:51,577 --> 01:05:54,913
Yeah. I see you put it anywhere
just for funsies, yeah.

1149
01:05:54,997 --> 01:05:57,165
Don't be tracking that
through my house. Yeah.

1150
01:05:58,208 --> 01:06:01,086
Okay? It's clean.
You don't need to do anything to it.

1151
01:06:01,169 --> 01:06:03,797
It has its own ecosystem, okay?

1152
01:06:03,881 --> 01:06:05,549
You don't need to clean it.

1153
01:06:05,632 --> 01:06:08,886
You don't need to put
a Glade plug-in, okay?

1154
01:06:09,761 --> 01:06:11,763
You don't need to steam it, Gwyneth!

1155
01:06:11,847 --> 01:06:14,183
You don't need to vacuum it.

1156
01:06:14,266 --> 01:06:15,851
It's not the back seat of a Mazda.

1157
01:06:15,934 --> 01:06:18,145
It's clean! Okay?

1158
01:06:19,396 --> 01:06:21,690
The vagina is its own ecosystem.

1159
01:06:21,773 --> 01:06:23,901
The vagina has its own pH balance.

1160
01:06:23,984 --> 01:06:26,653
That's why it has its own smell
and its own temperature.

1161
01:06:26,737 --> 01:06:30,616
Your vagina, Cleveland,
is like a rain forest

1162
01:06:30,699 --> 01:06:35,746
in that it is dangerous,
it could kill you, it is damp,

1163
01:06:35,829 --> 01:06:37,789
and it needs government protection.

1164
01:06:37,873 --> 01:06:40,125
Thank you so much for coming out tonight.