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-[rock intro playing] -[audience cheering]
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
Thank you!
Thank you very much.
Thank you for being here.
It is nice to be out of the house, huh?
-[audience cheering] -Yes!
I don't really-- I don't wanna talk about COVID tonight.
A couple of things
I will mention.
I learned a couple of things during COVID.
One, I learned
from wearing that mask everywhere I went
and breathing my own breath,
I need to go back and apologize to anybody I've talked to
in the last 30 years.
[audience clapping]
Oh, my!
I had no idea my breath was that bad.
Seriously, one day I was in the grocery store
and I'm like, "Has a cow pooped in a gut pile?"
"What is that?"
And you're like, "Oh, no, that's me."
Something else I learned during COVID, especially during lockdown,
is I am not qualified
to meet all of my wife's conversational needs.
It takes a village, as they say.
And I am but one man.
I love my sweet little wife to death,
but she is a talker. She could talk three dogs off a meat wagon.
-Uh… -[audience laughing]
She's also what they call a verbal processor,
which means every time she has a thought or an idea,
she doesn't just think it, she says it out loud.
So every morning during lockdown,
I would get up and pour myself a cup of coffee,
and I'd turn around, and there she would be.
Every morning it'd be like,
"Have you thought about where we're gonna go when this pandemic is over?"
"'Cause I've gotta get out of this house. Talking about out of this house,
you are not gonna believe what I found out
about the family that moved in down the street."
"I told you I thought that lady looked weird."
"There's another light burned out in the kitchen."
"I can't cook in the dark."
"So, Mr. Buster, if you wanna eat, you might wanna pull the ladder out."
"Why is it so hot in here? Are you not hot? I am burning up."
"Robin told me she can't find toilet paper anywhere, people are hoarding it."
"I think there ought to be
an express line in Hell for anybody that hoards toilet paper."
"That is so, so wrong."
"Oh, my God, I just saw my butt in the mirror."
-"Why didn't you say something to me?" -[audience laughing]
"It's getting as wide as a school bus."
"It's a wonder I'm not knocking lamps off the table."
"I had the weirdest dream last night."
"I dreamed that your mother and Will Smith got married,
and that's not even the weird part."
"The weird thing is, they were jumping on the trampoline
with firemen helmets on and saying their vows."
"What do you think that is all about?"
"Why are you looking at me like that? Is my hair messed up?"
"All right, now, concentrate, I want you to help me think of somebody
we can set my cousin Kyle up with."
"Bless his heart, he's all by himself and he needs somebody."
"And talking about needs, I need you to look at my car,
because the 'check engine' light's been on for a while."
"When I say a while, I mean a few months. Every time I drive it,
there's a burning smell, and I don't think it's supposed to do that."
"Oh, my God, what if Kyle is gay and he hasn't come out of the closet yet?"
"Hey, say a little prayer for Chip and Jennifer's grandson."
"He's getting circumcised today, and speaking of 30% off,
that necklace I've been wanting is on sale."
"So if you wanna go ahead and get it for me for my birthday,
that would be all right."
-[audience applauding] -"Hey, if Kyle is gay,
do you know somebody we could set him up with?"
"'Cause you work in show business,
and there are a lot of gay people in show business."
"I know you're gonna roll your eyes and tell me it's too far down the road,
but for next year's 4th of July picnic,
should I make potato salad like I did this year,
or should I make that baked macaroni stuff with the feta cheese and the tomatoes
I made a few weeks ago and you loved it? I could do either."
"It doesn't matter to me."
"And what's the deal with your brother lately?"
"He has become such a Moody Judy. I don't even wanna talk to him."
"Why are you making a noose?"
[audience laughing]
"Untie that from the ceiling fan and get off the bed."
"You're messing up all my pillows."
My day every day during lockdown.
[audience cheering]
Now, some good stuff happened during COVID too.
Some really good stuff. I became a grandpa for the very first time during COVID.
So…
And I love this little boy more than any human being on the planet.
And my daughter, I don't know how she pulled this off, but somehow,
she arranged to be able to get on the Jerry Springer Show,
and we were able to find out who the father is
without spending one dime of our own money, so…
that was great.
I'm kidding, um…
we have no idea who the father is.
Something else great that happened is my mother's flip phone finally broke.
That is an event 20 years in the making.
One month into COVID, my mom's flip phone broke,
and so we bought her her very first iPhone.
And if you were to say to me tonight, "Jeff,
would rather teach your mother how to text
or teach your dog how to wipe his ass?"
[audience laughing]
I'd probably say, "Hand me the toilet paper."
"Let me give that a shot."
The texting has been a little bit of a challenge.
And my daughters were so excited
that their Gaba was finally texting.
So they're texting her. One night, I get a call from my mom
and she says to me,
"What is 'LOL'?"
I said, "What are you talking about, Mom?" She said, "Jordan sent me a text
and at the end of it said, 'LOL.'"
I said, "How do you spell it?" She said, "L-O-L."
I said, "Mom, that's not LOL. That's 'Laugh Out Loud.'"
"That's what the kids do now. Instead of writing everything out,
they just use initials."
"Like 'IDK' is 'I don't know.' 'OMG' is 'oh, my gosh.'"
I said, "That's how they do it." A few nights later,
I get a text from my mother that says,
"I-Y-G-T-T-G-S-I-N-S-K."
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "Oh, God, Mom's had a stroke."
I called her up and said, "Mom, what did you just text me?"
She said, "I was doing like the girls do."
I said, "If you go to the grocery store, I need some ketchup."
"Well, of course. Why didn't see that?"
And she loves this iPhone
because it has features on it that her flip phone didn't have, like…
-reception. -[audience laughing]
So she called me one night
and I answered
'cause I didn't have anything to do for an hour and half.
And I'm talking to my mom, and during the call, my mom mentioned
that there'd been a couple of break-ins in her neighborhood.
I said, "Mom, that's a little concerning." She said, "I know."
She said, "That is why I'm thinking about getting my carry permit."
My mother is 85 years old.
Her eyesight is bad, her hearing is worse,
and she has the balance of Ron White after midnight.
[audience laughing and cheering]
And now, she's thinking about getting a pistol.
And I said, "Look, Mom, I am a supporter of the Second Amendment."
I said, "And you can call me overly cautious."
I said, "But maybe
you shouldn't be packing heat
if you're wearing a Life Alert."
[audience laughing]
Though she could use her pillboxes to sort the bullets in, you know.
I said, "Mom, you might want to think this out."
I said, "You better hope loading the thing
is easier than opening a jar of pickles, or you're gonna be in trouble."
'Cause she has arthritis in her fingers.
Then I thought, "Hell, I bet my agent could get her a commercial.'
"You know, my arthritis had gotten so bad
that I could barely jack a round into the chamber."
"But thanks to new, improved Bufferin, I can make it rain, dawg."
[audience laughing]
"You feel me, bruh?"
I hung up the phone and said to my wife,
"I know what I'm getting Mom for Christmas."
"I'm gonna get her the magnetic holster she can slap on the side of her walker,
and I'm getting her husband the bullet proof vest
he can wear underneath his cardigan sweater,
just in case she goes spider monkey during the Wheel of Fortune."
And that's where my wife and I are in life right now.
We got our kids grown, got them out of the house.
We had a quick snack. Now, we're raising our parents.
I swear they passed each other in the driveway.
Let me tell you something, I thought teenagers were crazy.
Teenagers are a piece of cake compared to old people.
They're nuts!
I was getting my car serviced a while back and they called to say it was ready.
I called my father-in-law, said, '"Can you give me a ride?"
On the way to the dealership, he needed to stop for gas.
I learned on that little stop
that it is possible
to wash your entire car
with the squeegee from the gas station.
And I know this because I sat in the passenger seat
and watched him do it.
I sat there until the guy at the next pump started videoing it,
then I slid down in the floorboard
'cause I didn't want to get tagged on Instagram.
He got back in the car, I said,
"You do realize the gas station has got a car wash right there?"
He goes, "Yeah. Well, that's six bucks."
I'm like, "So to save six dollars,
you gave away all your dignity and washed your car
with a squeegee and the dirtiest water on the planet Earth?"
I used to have fantasies about going out with a girl
as nasty as the squeegee water at the gas station.
[audience laughing]
He is such a trip.
And he walks around, he's got his pants up to his nipples now.
And he just talks about how the world has gone to hell in a hay wagon,
and it used to be better back in the good old days.
Of course, when he describes the way he grew up,
it's always tough. It's like, "Oh, yeah."
"We had no electricity, me and my brother shared a pair of shoes."
"We had to walk to school through five feet of snow."
I'm like, "When did it snow five feet in New Orleans?"
[audience laughing]
But I kinda get what he means about the good old days.
Because, think about it, as you get old,
technology has changed your entire life.
Morality has changed.
Society has changed.
All of a sudden,
you find yourself living in a world that doesn't make sense to you.
So you kinda long for that world where you felt like you had things figured out.
To them, that's the good old days, but it couldn't have been perfect.
I was asking my mom about it.
Do you know my mom had an outhouse until she was 14 years old?
I said, "Mom, what would you do in the wintertime
if you had to go to the bathroom and it was late at night?"
She said, "We went in a bucket."
They called it a slop jar or honey pot. That's what they did.
They went to the bathroom in a bucket.
And I'm thinking,
"I know how my wife responds the aroma of a broccoli casserole
that's been in the refrigerator one day too long."
"I cannot imagine her response
to a bucket of turds in the living room."
[audience laughing]
And you know one of the euphemisms for dying
is "he kicked the bucket."
I bet you that's what that's talking about.
"Baby, I'm sorry,
but I accidentally kicked over that bucket there in the living room."
[imitates racking shotgun and firing]
I think if things had been perfect in the good old days,
the guy that invented Viagra wouldn't be a billionaire.
'Cause back in the good old days,
when God told you you were out of the game,
you just walked out in the backyard and started a garden.
And the only hoe you were playing with
was the one to get the weeds out of the tomatoes.
But now, thanks to Viagra, people are playing into their 80s.
Let that mental image sink in just a second.
Just that pile of flesh and everything in the pile
looks like it needs ironing, you know.
I do think it's cool that the nursing homes
are now giving the old guys half a tablet a night,
just to keep them from falling out of bed, so…
kind of a kickstand deal there.
Now, everybody talks about this stuff.
Back in the good old days,
if a man was
trying to shoot pool with a rope,
he kept it to himself.
Now, it's a cottage industry.
I heard a radio ad the other day where this guy said
thanks to his ED formulas,
he could now help men perform
for 30, 60, even 90 minutes.
I'm thinking, "90 minutes?"
-Blech! -[audience laughing]
Oh, my gosh, my attention span is not that long.
After 20, I'd be like, "I'm gonna go make a sandwich. You want anything?"
I mean, there is a little something to aging gracefully, right?
And I miss my youth.
I miss my young body.
I would not trade my old-minded soul for it,
but I do miss my young body.
I remember being a little kid and having energy to burn.
When was the last time you had excess energy you needed to burn off?
Think about it. When you were a kid, you had so much energy
you couldn't watch TV just sitting in a chair.
You had to stand on your head, or be half on the chair and half off.
The commercial would come on,
you'd wrestle with each other till the show came back.
Hell, if you walked in my house now
and you found me watching the TV
with my butt on the sofa and my head on the floor,
call 911.
Because even if I am still alive,
there's no way I'm gonna be able to get back into a standing position by myself.
[audience laughing and clapping]
But I had a great childhood.
You know, I played every sport.
For the recreation center, my parents didn't make me pick one sport
because they thought I was gonna play professional whatever.
I played every sport. And it was weird back then.
If you wanted a trophy,
you had to finish in first place.
It was nuts.
[audience cheering]
So many great memories.
I remember, as a child, going to the doctor.
If you behaved yourself and you didn't cry if you got a shot,
you always got to pick out a toy from the treasure chest
behind the nurse's station. Anybody remember the treasure chest?
Why did that have to stop?
Seriously, I wouldn't mind going to the doctor now
and him putting on a rubber glove to check my prostate
if I knew on the way out, I could swing by the treasure chest
and get a new spider ring, you know?
"That baby glows in the dark."
"Turn out the lights. Check that out right there."
I remember being a kid laying in the back window of the car
riding all the way to Florida.
Nowadays, because of child car-seat laws,
you have to be in the 6th grade before you can see where you're going
instead of where you just been.
Now one of the hardest things in our lives
is we have to remember passwords.
Nobody can remember their password to any-- There's so many of them.
When I was growing up back in the good old days,
I only had to remember one password.
That was the password to get in to our secret clubhouse back in the woods.
And it was a beauty.
[imitates knocking]
[whispers] "What's the password?"
"Boobies."
[audience laughing and clapping]
It was all we thought about, so why not make it the password?
Every meeting I ever remember having in the clubhouse,
that's what it was about.
One of my friends, I think he's in prison now,
had a theory that if Heaven was a perfect place,
once you get past the pearly gates,
it would just be a giant field of naked boobies,
and they'd let you take your shoes off and run around for a little while.
[audience laughing]
[audience clapping]
I remember thinking right then and there, "I'm going to church."
I know education is probably better now.
I mean, because they test you to see if you have learning differences,
or if you're gifted, they might give you elevated courses.
Back in the good old days, it didn't matter if you were a genius
or if you were eating Crayons, you were all in the same class.
And they put no thought into what they were teaching us.
I remember, like, my 11th-grade year of high school,
one semester of English was devoted entirely to poetry.
What were blue-collar kids from the wrong side of the tracks
going to do with poetry?
♪ My husband won't fix The broken screen door ♪
♪ Our cat just threw up A dead bird on the floor ♪
♪ I have four little children I constantly feed ♪
♪ So please don't you ask me Why I smoke weed ♪
[audience applauding]
Now they're teaching sex education in the 5th grade,
starting in the 5th grade.
Nobody taught me about sex back in the good old days.
My parents told me nothing. My school taught me nothing.
Everything I learned about sex I pieced together for myself.
I'm serious. When I was 11, we had an uncle that raised rabbits.
So we were out at his farm one weekend
and he took a group of us out to the shed where he kept the rabbits.
He had all the males in cages on one side,
and all the females in cages on the other. He opened a male's cage,
grabbed him by the scruff of neck, walked over, opened a female's cage,
dropped him in there.
And that male rabbit jumped on top of that female rabbit
and jackhammered like a hurricane
for, like, five seconds.
Then he fell off on his back.
And everybody was laughing, except me.
'Cause I'm like, "Oh, my God, I don't know if I gonna be able to do it that fast."
[audience laughing]
Turns out I had nothing to worry about.
[audience clapping]
You know, probably the…
the thing that changed most
from the good old days to now
is this.
This little gadget right there.
This little gadget changed the world.
Now everybody on the planet has one of these in their hand, 24/7, 365.
Doesn't matter if you're in a third-world country,
you might not have enough to eat, you got a phone.
Back in the good old days, my entire family
had one phone.
It was hardwired into the wall of the kitchen.
It came in four possible colors,
black, white, harvest gold, and avocado green.
[audience cheering]
We had the avocado green,
and my parents actually sprung for the extra-long cord.
Let me tell you, the phone company didn't cheat you on the extra-long cord.
Our phone cord was over a quarter of a mile long.
My mom could walk down the driveway and check the mail,
never quit talking to her sister. "You know, 'cause I…" [muttering]
But because the whole family had one phone,
you never had any privacy if it was for you.
So you'd learn tricks. Like, you'd run it under the door
and go down the hall or sit in the pantry and talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend
while your siblings made kissing noises from around the corner.
But because you stretched it out so far,
remember the downside of the extra-long cord? Anybody remember?
Yeah, it was always
tangled up.
Like Aunt Judy's thong after kickboxing lessons.
[audience laughing]
But when it was stretched out, it was almost like a lethal weapon.
My mom used to talk on the phone when she was cookin'.
They were on other sides of the kitchen.
So one night she's cooking and talking on the phone,
and I'm chasing my brother through the house.
We round into the kitchen,
he never saw the phone cord. He hit it right there.
His feet went up in the air,
the back of his head hit the floor like wedding night panties.
My mom never quit cooking and never quit talking.
She went…
[mouthing]
-[mouthing continues] -[audience laughing]
Now, I will say this,
back in the good old days, you got excited when the phone rang.
Yeah, you would race each other to answer the phone.
'Cause you had no idea who it might be.
Might be your grandmother, might be the President of the United States.
You didn't know till you picked it up.
But now caller ID
has taken all the joy out of answering the phone.
Now your phone rings, you're like,
-"Oh, hell, no. I ain't doing that." -[audience laughing]
"Nobody got time for that."
Because we stick our phones in our pockets, our purses, and things,
they're always rubbing up against something
and we're always accidentally dialing people we didn't meant to dial.
We call them "butt-dials."
All right, I'm gonna see what an honest audience you are.
How many people listen more intently to butt-dials
than they do actual phone calls?
[audience cheering]
If somebody butt-dials me and I don't have anything to do,
I'll stay on for, like, 20 minutes.
I'm like… [imitates pants swishing]
I have a buddy named Purdie, makes furniture.
Purd always sticks his phone in the front pocket of his blue jeans,
so he's always butt-dialing somebody.
One night he butt-dialed me, and I didn't have anything going on,
so I'm just listening to him walk around his shop.
After about ten minutes,
I hear a door open, and I hear a lid go up,
and I hear him starting to pee.
Being the mature adult that I am, I jumped out of my chair,
ran into the kitchen to my wife, and went, "Purd's peeing!"
We put it on speaker phone. and me and my wife stood there
and listened to my friend urinate.
-[audience laughing] -"Oh, my God, I hope he farts at the end."
"Oh, please. Please."
What is wrong with us?
And here's the fascination with this.
The thing we had mounted on the wall in the kitchen,
that was only a phone, this is everything.
This is everything we used to go somewhere else to get.
Like people used to stay up late to watch the eleven o'clock news,
so they knew what the sports scores were and what the weather was gonna be.
Now you have up-to-the-minute radar.
You've got the weather for the next two weeks,
and you've got all your sports updates right there.
This thing is your airline tickets, your Bible,
it's your flashlight, it's your Rolodex.
It's your music library, it's a video arcade.
It's a world-class camera.
See, some of you younger people don't know this.
Cameras used to be separate things, and you would have to buy film,
-and put it in 'em. -[audience laughing]
And you would take 24 pictures
having no idea if they were good, or bad, or out of focus.
Then, when you'd taken all 24, you'd take the film out of it,
go to the drugstore, and you'd give it to them
where they'd process it.
And then after everybody that worked at the drugstore had
had an opportunity to look at your pictures,
they'd call you, and you'd go get them. And you knew they'd looked.
You're picking them up, they're like,
-"When did y'all go to the Grand Canyon?" -[audience laughing]
"You son of a bitch."
But, see, back then pictures were precious.
Even if they were out of focus or somebody's head was cut off,
you'd put 'em in a photo album
'cause it was your only proof that you'd been somewhere.
But now, you can look at your picture, if something's wrong with it,
you delete it and take another one.
So pictures are no longer precious. We just take pictures of everything.
My daughters take pictures of their food.
When we're in restaurants, when the waiter puts their plate down,
my daughters are like, "Hold on. The camera eats first."
They take a picture of their food and send it to their friends.
I'm like, "Hell, when I was growing up, if you ate a delicious waffle,
other people had to take your word for it.
[audience laughing]
This thing is amazing.
Do you know this thing, if it is lost, it can find itself?
Most of us need Jesus to do that,
but not this joker.
It can not only find itself, it can find you.
It can find anybody in your family.
It's a world-class GPS.
You put in it any direction
to anywhere in the world, it will take you right there to it
and tell you, within the minute, what time you're gonna get there.
We didn't have GPS back in the good old days.
We had maps.
We kept them in the glove compartment of the car.
And nobody ever wanted to open them, because if you did,
you never got it folded back down again.
So we were always lost. Hell, when we went on family vacations,
the only thing that was "recalculating"
was our dad.
"All right kids, I have changed my mind."
"Instead of going to Disney World,
we're all just gonna go in this hardware store and have a look around."
-"How about that?" -[audience laughing]
This thing is amazing.
This little thing is more powerful than the biggest computers
we had in the world in 1980.
All the knowledge in the world right there at your fingertips.
You wanna know how much an elephant weighs? Ask your phone.
You wanna know how tall Tom Cruise is? Ask your phone.
Back in the good old days, if we wanted to know something,
we had to wait until our cheap-ass parents
broke down and bought a set of encyclopedias.
And here was the deal, you didn't get them all at one time.
You made a down payment, they give you the A volume.
You keep making payments, a few years later, you'd get the B.
So that first year,
you could talk very intelligently about Antarctica.
Or aardvarks.
But if you had to do a school report on Zimbabwe,
you were being held back another year.
'Cause that Z volume wasn't coming until you were in your 30s.
And I don't know that having all the knowledge in the world
is necessarily a good thing.
We're obsessed with it.
Especially when it comes to medical stuff.
Back in the good old days,
people accepted aches and pains.
It's just part of what went on when you started getting old.
Now any time we have an ache or pain, we gotta go Google it.
You could have a hang nail, you're Googling it.
"What's the best way to treat a hang nail?"
"On rare occasions, hang nails can be an indicator
you've had an undiagnosed cerebral hemorrhage."
"Oh, hell!"
"What's wrong, Lloyd?" "I'll tell you what's wrong, Connie."
"Sixty seconds ago, I didn't know I had a cerebral,
and now, apparently, the damn thing is hemorrhaged."
You get scared to death with medical stuff on your phone.
You don't even have to be looking for it.
I had a pop up not long ago that said,
"Low back pain can be an early indicator of premature blindness."
Hell, I've got low back pain.
I thought it's 'cause I helped my wife rearrange the furniture in the den.
Why did I move the couch? Now I'm just gonna run in to it.
I gotta get online and order a guide dog while I can still find my laptop.
Thing is amazing.
It's a TV. No excuse to ever miss the game anymore.
How many guys, be honest,
ever sat during a wedding with your phone in your lap,
turn the volume down, and watched the football game?
Yeah. And it's porn. You don't even have to be looking for it.
There's so much porn in here, it's looking for you.
Not long ago, my wife and I were trying to figure out where to go eat one night,
I typed in "delicious Italian near me."
I'm like…
[audience laughing]
Mamma mia.
That's a spicy meatball there.
See, back in the good old days,
porn was when of your friends found a discarded Playboy magazine.
And you'd sneak it back to the secret clubhouse in the woods.
Therefore, the password.
And maybe if you're into porn, now is the good old days
because it took two hands to hold that magazine
but only one hand to hold your phone.
[audience clapping]
And human beings being able to corrupt anything that is good
have found such naughty things to do with this phone.
People actually take pictures of their private parts
and send them to other people,
which is such a fabulous idea.
What could possibly go wrong with an idea like that?
See, back in the good old days,
if I had wanted to send my girlfriend a picture of my private parts,
I would've had to have found a piece of notebook paper,
put it on the edge of the kitchen table,
waited until nobody else was home,
ran over to the table, dropped my pants,
lay junior on the paper,
take a pencil and trace him out.
Then, I would've had to have got a box of Crayons.
And it would've had to been the 64-count box
because that was the only one that had flesh tone in it,
color it in, fold that paper up, put in in an envelope,
address it to my girlfriend, put a stamp on it, walk down the driveway,
and put it in the mailbox to mail it to her,
so three days later she could call me and go,
"Why did you send me a drawing of your thumb?"
[audience laughing]
Just not the sexy effect you're looking for.
One of the things I missed the most during COVID
was this, being on the road. I love to travel.
My wife loves to travel,
and when it became evident that we weren't gonna be going anywhere for a while,
my wife ordered a bunch of travel magazines.
So one night I'm sitting at home, flipping through one of her travel magazines
and I found an article in there
that was written by a woman
trying to teach other women how to pack for a ten-day trip
using only a carry-on suitcase.
Let me repeat that.
-A woman… -[audience laughing]
…packing for ten days using only a carry-on suitcase.
And I thought, "What woman is she talking about?"
"Barbie?"
My wife couldn't pack for a nudist colony in a carry-on suitcase.
Now the airlines only let you take one carry-on.
If I'm with my wife, she'll have two,
and I have whatever I can fit in my pockets.
But I thought it was interesting, because we live in an age
where people try to make everything sexist,
that this article was just written to women. She didn't say men.
'Cause I think men could do ten days in a carry-on.
-Could you do it? -[man] Oh, yeah.
I could do it.
You might be burning the socks and the underwear, but I could do it.
'Cause I think most men probably pack like I pack.
I'll walk in my closet and I think, "Okay, I'm about to be out for 3 days."
"Three days means three pairs of socks, three pairs of underwear, three shirts,
another pair of blue jeans in case I spill something on these,
toothbrush, razor blade. Boom, ready to go.
Ten seconds of well-thought-out packing.
[audience applauding]
That's how I pack.
Now, when I go on vacation with my wife…
And let me say this right up front, I love being on vacation with my wife,
'cause my wife is a lot more "friendly" on vacation than she is at home.
Something about having numbers on the doors seems to light her fire.
The same girl that won't look at me twice at home,
you get numbers on the door, she is hanging the trapeze
before the bell hop's to the ice machine.
Love being on vacation with my wife.
It's getting to vacation that is the challenge
because it takes my wife longer than ten seconds to pack.
It takes her days to pack.
Because she has outfits.
There's not a man in this room that has an outfit.
But my wife has to put together an outfit
for every day we're gonna be gone.
Plus additional outfits, in case we go out somewhere nice to dinner.
Plus reserve outfits, in case some of the starters get hurt.
So this takes a lot of time and work.
So two or three days before we're even supposed to leave,
my wife will start pulling clothes out of the closet
and she'll lay them on the bed
like Flat Stanley mannequins.
And she just stares at them.
Sometimes she'll call me, "Come here, I need your help."
"Okay, I am down to these two outfits. Which one do like the best?"
The one on the left.
"Are you kidding me?"
"What's wrong with the one on the right?"
"Nothing wrong with it. I just like that one on the left."
"I love that one on the right."
"You know what? Now that I start thinking about it,
I think I really like that one on the right."
"No, you don't."
"You're just saying that."
"Now I don't know what to do."
"I know what to do. I'm gonna go jump in front of a bus."
"You stand here and stare at this for a while."
And, see, the difference between us
is once I have my clothes packed, I'm packed.
With my wife, her clothes,
that's just the foundation.
Her packing is like an archaeological dig. There's many, many layers to it.
Because once she has all the outfits picked out,
now she has to go back and pick out the jewelry
that goes with each particular outfit.
If you watch Court TV,
that's what they call "the jewelry selection process."
[audience laughing]
Next layer is the shoes.
The shoes take a long, long time.
She doesn't like to be apart from her shoes.
She spends longer picking shoes for vacation
than we spent picking names for our children.
I hope to God she never has to choose between her shoes and me.
'Cause I could see the surgeon going, "Mrs. Foxworthy, we can save Jeff's life,
but in order to do it,
you would have to get rid of all of your shoes."
-[audience laughing] -[mouthing]
[mouthing]
"He said he wants to be cremated."
"I'm gonna need some new shoes for that ceremony."
Next layer is the electronics.
Because one time,
we went on vacation and the hotel didn't have a hairdryer.
Now my wife never packs a suitcase without packing a hairdryer.
But she also packs a hair curler
and a hair straightener.
I'm like, "Don't they cancel each other out?"
Then, she'll pack that lighted makeup mirror
where one side has 12-times magnification.
Nobody needs to look at their face magnified 12 times.
At 12-times magnification, a wrinkle looks like an irrigation ditch,
a blackhead looks like a manhole cover,
and God forbid she find a chin hair.
Trust me, you're not getting a girl out the door
that sees something on her chin that looks like the anchor rope to a battleship.
Do you know I have never, ever looked at my face
in the 12-times magnification mirror?
Okay, to be totally honest, a couple of times,
I did get out of the shower
and pause in front of it just for a minute.
[audience laughing and applauding]
Buenos dias, Señor Enchilada Grande.
Next layer for my wife, it's a total feminine phenomenon.
It's the "just in case" layer.
She'll always pack a little raincoat and her travel umbrella,
just in case it rains.
I'm like, "Baby, I checked the forecast,
there's less than a 5% chance any day we're gonna be there."
"Okay, fine."
"I don't know what you're gonna do if it rains."
I'm like, "I do. I'll probably go back inside."
She'll always pack a sweater or light jacket,
"Just in case it gets cold at night."
As it so often does in Orlando in July.
Anybody else have a wife or girlfriend that does this one?
My wife will pack a collapsible, soft-sided suitcase
inside of the hard-sided suitcase.
People pointing at each other.
Just in case I buy something while we're there.
And if you're a gambling man,
take the over on my wife buying something while we're there.
And I have never looked inside the collapsible suitcase,
but I'm willing to bet there's a smaller collapsible suitcase inside of it.
My wife always loads up a gallon Ziploc bag full of medicine,
just in case somebody gets sick.
One time, I was playing in Buffalo, it's like February.
They had snow up to here. I had a little bit of a headache.
I go unzip the medicine bag, we've got malaria pills.
Thankfully missed the great malaria outbreak in Buffalo that winter.
And I tell her, "Baby, I love you to death."
"This is where your packing just starts getting out of control."
So the last time we're getting ready for vacation, I walked in the bedroom,
I caught her rooting through my suitcase.
She pulled out a five-pound bag of oats.
She's like, "Uh-huh. What is this for?"
I said, "Oh, that?"
I said, "That…
is just in case the two donkeys we're gonna need to carry your luggage
get hungry while we're gone."
[audience laughing]
And actually she packs light for airline travel
as opposed to if we're going on vacation in the car.
If we're going on vacation in the car,
there's a fine line between packing and moving.
But my wife and daughters think it is their obligation
to fill that SUV to the roof.
And the way they pack a car would make a man lay in the floor and cry.
They'll bring out a bag with bread and potato chips, put it on the bottom,
then put three suitcases on top of it.
I'm like, "If you want me to live, please let me do this."
'Cause there's an art to packing the car, is there not?
My dad taught me, you do suitcase Tetris.
Flip them, spin them, turn them upside down.
When he would get finished,
you couldn't get a piece of notebook paper between anything in that vehicle.
My dad can get a house full of furniture into the trunk of a Buick.
"Hold me the jack, hand me the piano. I got this son of a gun now!"
And like my daddy, once I get that car packed,
I'm ready to go.
Not my wife.
"No, we can't go yet."
"The car's packed. Why can't we go?"
"Because I gotta straighten up the house."
"Wait, do what?"
"I'm not gonna be able to have a good time
if I know I'm gonna be coming back to a messy house."
[audience cheering and laughing]
"Why didn't you straighten it up the last couple of days?"
"Because I had to pack."
Which, in a nutshell, is why men die before women.
Because we want to.
[audience laughing]
We have been married for 36 years.
-My wife still-- -[audience clapping]
Thank you.
She still doesn't understand
that my primary objective, when going on vacation in the car,
is to get to wherever we are going
in the shortest recorded time in human history.
That's all I'm trying to do.
I've learned through the years,
my wife's objective on a vacation trip in the car,
is to consume enough liquid
where she will have to pee every 15 minutes,
therefore destroying my objective.
And my wife will never have to go to the bathroom
until we've just passed an exit.
Then she's like, "Ooh, I gotta go, and I gotta go really, really bad."
I'm like, "Well, you will really, really get your chance in 44 miles
'cause that's how far it is to the next exit."
Well, she will not go between exits.
And every man in this room has been between exits.
Nobody had to teach us how to do it.
We came out of the womb with this knowledge.
You pull the car off to the side of the road, you get out,
and you check the air in the right front tire.
[audience laughing]
It's that easy, isn't it?
And, ladies, you could do this.
Yes, you could. Change it from the right front to the right rear tire.
[audience laughing]
[audience laughing and clapping]
[mouthing]
I hope you guys have had fun tonight. You know, it's--
[audience cheering and applauding]
Thanks.
You know, I'm such a blessed man,
because I've gotten to do this for a long, long time.
And I've gotten to do a lot of different things,
whether it's write books,
or host Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader? or different things.
So I've never been bored.
But If anybody put a gun to my head and said,
"You gotta pick one thing,"
without hesitation it would be doing this.
I love stand-up because this is what I see when I do this.
[audience laughing]
"That's what you do. You do that."
And every night I'm like, "Thank God it's not just my family."
-"Other people are doing this too." -[audience clapping]
None of us have it figured out.
Everybody's family is crazy.
The only negative thing I've ever found about this job
is you're on the road by yourself.
Which was why doing something like the Blue Collar Comedy Tour was so fun,
'cause I wasn't on the road by myself, I was with my buddies.
[audience clapping]
People will always say,
"I bet y'all have so many funny stories from when you're on the road together."
And there's a ton of them.
And I'm not gonna tell one on the other guys,
because they're not here to give their side of it
and make it twice as funny,
but I will tell you, uh…
one funny road story about me
that we can leave on tonight. So…
not the summer of 2020, the summer of 2019,
I was doing a bunch of summer dates with Larry the Cable Guy.
And in the summer, you get used--
"Git-R-Done." Yeah.
[audience laughing]
So when you do shows in the summer,
you get used to being hot, 'cause it's usually,
you know, festivals, or fairs.
or amphitheaters.
We did a music festival in Phoenix.
It was 112 degrees the day we did it.
The promoter's trying to make us feel good.
"Come on, y'all, it's a dry heat."
I'm like, "So is the electric chair. It's 112."
But Larry and I did this show one night, and it was in the South.
I won't tell you the name of the city,
'cause somebody's probably talented enough to go online
and find a security camera that could verify this.
But it wasn't just hot, it was humid.
And you can see, I don't sweat very much.
But this night, ten minutes into the show,
I am dripping. I mean, it's just dripping off my nose.
Thirty minutes into the show, I look like I'm in a wet T-shirt contest.
Like somebody sprayed me with a fire hose. I don't think I've ever sweated that much.
So when the show was over,
I immediately go back to my dressing room
and start guzzling Gatorade and water trying to rehydrate.
And we hardly ever eat before a show, 'cause it kinda makes you sluggish,
so we're always hungry when the show is over.
So I'm in my dressing room chugging the Gatorade
and I hear Larry the Cable Guy coming down the hall.
He swings into my doorway and he's like, "Hey, let's go eat!"
-And Larry says this a lot, uh… -[audience laughing]
And I usually go, 'cause it's fun to watch Larry eat.
I mean, he can go.
But you know how get when you get too hot, you don't feel like doing anything.
And I said, "Dude, I got too hot tonight. I'm not hungry."
"I think I'm just gonna go back to the hotel and go to bed."
He's like, "Are you kidding me?"
He goes, "I cannot wait until you ask me to do something for you."
'What are you, nine years old?"
"This isn't personal. I got too hot."
So I got in the van, and they took me back to the hotel.
Anybody that makes their living on the road, you know, you kinda…
you have your little routine.
Like, I always like it really dark in a room,
so I'll turn the lights down low.
I like it cool. I'll turn the thermostat down.
But every day you're changing cities,
and every hotel room is a little bit different.
So one of my tricks is,
I'll always turn the lights on in the bathroom and I'll shut the door,
so if I have to get up in the middle of the night,
at least I can orient to, you know, what this particular hotel room is like.
And I usually sleep in my underwear,
but this night they're soaking wet.
And I told you, I only pack three pairs, so…
I'm like, "I'm not sleeping in wet underwear."
So I peel them off, and I flop in the bed naked and I'm out.
Well, I wake up about 1:30 in the morning,
and I really, really, really have to pee.
Any guy over 40 knows what I'm talking about.
You have to pee too much to go back to sleep.
There's no way you're going back to sleep.
But you don't really wanna wake up.
You just wanna go get this act over with and get back in the bed.
So I get up, got my eyes about half open, I see the light, and I walk in there.
Well, as soon as the door closes,
-I realize that I'm in the hall… -[audience laughing]
…of a really nice hotel without a stitch of clothes on.
You wanna wake up in a hurry, this is the way to do it.
Forget coffee, this is much faster.
So I'm standing there with nothing on in the hall.
I'm like Matt Damon in The Martian, "Solve the problem, solve the problem."
Well, I knew Larry's room was straight across the hall from mine.
So I run over there.
-And I'm knocking on his door. -[taps microphone]
And he's not answering.
And I can just picture him peeking through the keyhole and laughing.
As I'm knocking on his door, I hear the elevator ding.
[audience laughing]
I'm like, "Well, I got a 50-50 shot,
they're either gonna come my way, or they're going the other way."
These two Korean guys get off, they're talking to each other,
and they turn, and they start heading right to me.
I'm like, "All right, what do you do?"
"Act like nothing's up." So…
-I start walking towards them. -[audience laughing]
Literally pass them in the hall. I'm like, "Hey, how are you doing?"
And one of them said something,
which I really hoped meant, "Wow, that was impressive."
But when I looked it up on Translator, I found out it meant,
"Did you see her mustache?"
[audience laughing]
So I knew I couldn't get on the elevators.
I know elevators have cameras on them.
I don't want to get on the elevators, and I'm like, "What the heck do I do?"
Well, I saw the exit sign over the door for the stairwell.
I'm like, "At least get out of the lighted hallway
into the stairwell and then try to come up with a plan."
I'm hoping, as I'm running down the hall, that there'll be a trash can there
with a trash bag that I can pull out and wear like a sundress or something.
I get into the stairwell and there's no trash can.
I'm trying to think my way through what to do,
and I notice there's a couple of empty beer cans on the floor.
Well, the reason I got up in the first place was I had to pee.
I have no idea how long I'm going to be in this stairwell,
and I'm not proud of this,
but I picked those beer cans up and I peed in them
and put them back.
[audience laughing]
I feel terrible about it.
'Cause I know somewhere down the road, somebody's gonna have to clean them up.
But it was Old Milwaukee,
and I figured they'll pick them up and go, "Yeah, that's Old Milwaukee all right."
-So… -[audience applauding]
But, like I said, this was a really nice hotel.
So they had 24-hour room service.
And I thought, "Maybe somebody has put their room service tray outside the door
and I can get that cloth napkin that they put on it
and wear it like a Tarzan thing or whatever."
So I start going down the stairwell
and stopping at every floor
and looking down the hall to see if I can see a room service tray.
I get down about, I don't know, two or three floors
and I don't see a room service tray,
but I see two pizza boxes outside somebody's room.
Well, at this point, they look like a tuxedo to me.
So I run down the hall, pick up the pizza boxes,
go back to the stairwell,
and I go down the last couple of floors, and never do find a room service tray,
but by now, it's really late. It's like 2:00 in the morning.
And from the lobby level, I can crack the door open,
I can see almost the entire lobby. I don't see anybody.
I don't hear anybody talking.
I think, "All right, be brave for 20 seconds."
I got one box in the front, one in the back,
and I go skidding.
I go up to the desk, there's this woman working there.
As I approached, she looks up and goes…
[audience laughing]
"Can I help you?"
'Yes, ma'am, you can."
I said, "I accidentally locked myself out of my room,
can I just get another key, so I can get back in?"
And she goes,
"Do you have any identification?"
I said, "I do, but it's in my other pizza box."
I'm like, "No, I locked myself out of my room. I have nothing."
And she said, "Uh, well…
I think I'm gonna need to call a manager."
And she goes behind the wall.
And I'm thinking, "She's not calling a manager."
"She's calling the cops."
But it's two o'clock in the morning,
I'm naked with a pizza box in front of my junk.
What am I gonna do?
And as I'm waiting,
all of the sudden, the front doors to the hotel slide open
and in walks Larry the Cable Guy
and our tour manager.
[audience laughing]
And I'm like, "Thank you, God! This is answered prayer."
They come walking across the lobby, again, I am naked
holding a pizza box.
Larry walks up, he doesn't say, "Oh, my gosh, bud, what happened to you?"
He looked at me, he looked at the pizza box,
he goes, "I thought you said you wasn't hungry."
[audience laughing and applauding]
"I've been sitting here naked in the lobby eating pepperoni."
I said, "Dude, I accidentally locked myself out of my room."
Well, about that time, here comes the front desk lady back
and now she's got a security guard with her.
I said, "Larry, I need you to do me a favor. Please tell her who I am,
so she can give me a key and I can get back in my room.
He looked at me, and he looked at her, and he goes,
"I have never seen him before in my entire life."
And he got on the elevator and went up.
Now, thankfully, the security guard burst out laughing.
He recognized both of us.
This was, like, the nicest guy I think I've ever met in my life.
He got the emergency key, he rode up the elevator with me and the pizza box,
and walked me down the hall, let me in my room.
I said, "Wait right here."
I went and got my wallet. I gave him a hundred-dollar bill.
I'm like, "Thank you so much."
"Please never tell anybody about this."
And now I'm telling y'all for free.
So I got back in my room, I put on my sweatpants and my T-shirt,
and made sure I had that room key in my pocket,
and I waited about ten minutes.
And I walk back across the hall and knock on Larry's door.
[taps on mic]
He opens the door, he's still laughing.
He's like… [imitates laughing hysterically]
He said, "I told you I couldn't wait
until you asked me to do something for you."
[audience applauding]
I said, "All right, you got me." I said, "Are we even?"
[laughing] He's like, "Yeah, we're even."
I said, "Well, just to prove I don't have any hard feelings,
I went and got you a beer."
[audience laughing]
You guys have been so great! God bless you!
-[rock outro playing] -Be safe! Take care of each other!
Thank you for coming out. You guys are the best.
[audience cheering]
-[mouthing] -[cheering continues]
[rock outro continues]