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[cheering, applause]
- Thank you all so much for being here.
Thank you for being vaccinated.
I know there's a lot of misinformation
around the vaccines.
When I first heard the vaccines might cause infertility,
I was like, yes!
But apparently, they don't.
[applause, cheering] I have nothing to do with it.
I just laid there.
I am 27 weeks pregnant.
Yeah, and I think I'm going to keep it.
I've never wanted to be a mom, but I've always
wanted to be a prop comic.
Are there any moms in the audience?
Oh, well, you should be home with your kids.
I'm not thinking that.
Everyone else is.
I love moms.
A friend of mine just had a kid, and she's so sad about it.
She said, Jena, I think I have postpartum depression.
And I told her, no, you're just right.
You're just picking up what America is throwing down!
America hates moms!
Thank you, one dad.
Now, you can tell that America hates moms by our language.
We have words like, "son of a bitch," and "motherfucker."
"Motherfucker?"
Ew!
Gross!
Ew, he fucks moms?
Eugh!
Motherfucker.
Isn't that just a dad?
You can tell by our laws.
We are the only developed nation without paid leave.
The best way to get the government to pay for your time
off as a new mom is to become a cop and shoot someone.
Relax, you guys.
OK?
My brother's a cop, for the purposes of that joke.
I don't have a brother.
But I have a couple more cop jokes in the show,
and I want you to enjoy them.
I don't have a lot of mom jokes, because no one
wants to hear them.
No one gives a shit about mom jokes.
They're like the moms of jokes.
My mom tried to follow me on Instagram recently,
and I blocked her immediately.
It felt like that moment in Jurassic Park
where they learn how to unlock doors.
She couldn't be here tonight, because my comedy's not
for everyone.
I love my mom.
We get along great.
When I first came out--
as a comedian, she treated the news
like there had been a death in the family.
She said, I'd rather you be gay.
Because at least that's something you can't control.
But she came around, and she would show her support
by sending me articles she had read about other comedians who
had killed themselves.
I am not making that up.
She's the funny one.
It seems pretty easy to be a dad-- next to,
like, influencer-- in terms of the skill
set it requires of you.
A friend of mine had a solo show a little while
ago about being a new dad.
He went to Broadway.
And it was so good, because he had time to write it.
You guys should feel lucky to see
me live, because once this thing pops out,
I'm never going to have time to do standup comedy again.
My husband and I got married during the pandemic.
I'm still not used to the word, "husband."
I prefer "ex-boyfriend."
It's just cleaner, you know?
It's more relatable.
And sorry, New York--
New Yorkers, I forgot-- a boyfriend
is-- how do I describe it?
You don't have them here. You're cool.
You don't pair-bond.
That's for us normies in LA.
A boyfriend is-- it's kind of like a podcast
that you can fuck.
Sometimes hit or miss, but always there
to lull you to sleep.
My husband is a musician.
So if there's anyone in here under 25,
a musician is kind of like a DJ.
And he's a keeper.
And I know he's a keeper, because he was married before,
and his ex-wife is still alive.
Aw!
How cute!
How old-school!
What a mensch!
[laughs] So romantic!
So ladies, if you're looking for love and you're dating a guy,
and his ex is still breathing, hold on to that.
We don't have a word for it in the English language.
It's the opposite of "lady killer."
Why is "lady killer" a term in our language?
Why is "lady killer" a positive attribute
that we bestow upon impressionable young boys?
Oh, my god.
Look at little Henry.
Oh, my god, Henry is going to be such a lady
killer when he grows up!
Oh, coochie, coochie, coo, he's going to be such a lady killer!
A lady killer!
Cut to 30 years from now, and Henry's like,
my mommy used to call me a lady killer,
as he's wearing her skin.
Fuck lady killer.
Ugh, who came up with lady killer?
A lady killer.
I dated a lot of clowns before I met my husband.
I dated one clown before I met my husband.
I dated one clown, two mimes.
I dated a blue man.
I dated all around the zodiac.
I dated a tech guy.
I thought he was awkward, because he worked in tech.
But it was actually because he was married.
The two read the same.
In his defense, he was in a polyamorous relationship.
His wife wasn't.
I want to make fun of polyamory, because it's stupid.
But I can't, because every time I
try, I always get heckled by polyamorous couples, which
is worse than getting heckled by a regular couple,
because there are so many of them.
I had a hard time dating.
I know that's like, oh, my god, what a novel thing to say,
with a microphone, as a woman on stage.
No, but I did.
I had a hard time dating.
I even went to a therapist about it at one point.
And she said, Jena, it's not you.
It's the men in New York City.
And I said, Deborah, can you say that again while I'm recording?
And now, it's my ringtone.
Then, she said, but if you want my advice, which
is why I assume you're here--
and I said, I'm here, because you're affordable,
and I can't trust my friends.
But I'll take it, Deborah.
I'll take your advice.
And she said, you know, you can work on doing a better
job at making men feel safe.
[audience laughter]
I laughed, too.
What?
Men feel safe?
What?
Why do men need to feel safe?
Can't you guys just hire a bodyguard
with all the money you're making?
But apparently, men are very sensitive,
and they need to feel safe.
And so I took Deborah's advice.
And for the next guy that I was dating,
I worked really hard to make him feel safe.
I didn't talk about him on stage.
Until he got married.
I didn't talk about him on stage.
And he held up his end of the bargain by not murdering me.
We're happy.
And people ask us, friends will ask, what's your secret?
You guys are so happy.
What's your secret?
And I tell them, find someone who looks at you the way
a white cop looks at a white mass shooter.
Like a doting chauffeur.
Where do you want to go next, Dylan?
Burger King?
Two cop jokes down, one to go.
My husband and I met after the 2016 election.
What do you call it?
That wasn't-- election?
I don't-- whatever.
We met after the 2016 election.
I was like, we're slipping into The Handmaid's Tale.
I'm going to need a man to help me access my bank
account once they freeze it.
I realize that sounds neurotic.
I am neurotic-- also Jewish.
Same thing.
It's just inherited trauma from over 5,000 years
of being chased.
I'm sure there was a time when Jewish people weren't neurotic,
but they didn't get out of Berlin.
Aw.
Is that too soon, you guys?
Wait three years.
Think about it.
1932, Berlin.
That person being like, Hitler?
He's an artist.
He's not going to hurt a fly.
That's not in my genes.
That's not in my DNA.
I am not chill.
I'm so not chill, that a couple of months
ago, I let my husband come inside me when I was ovulating.
Because he smokes a lot of pot, and I thought
the pandemic would last longer.
And before I launch into this bit,
I just want to tell you, I'm uncomfortable talking about sex
on stage, because I have this theory
that female comedians of my generation-- when we were
coming up in comedy in the early aughts,
we were encouraged to talk about our sex lives on stage,
because it was, like, the only way we could get men
in the audience to listen.
So as I got older, I was like, fuck that.
I'm not going to talk about sex on stage.
I'm going to talk about politics instead.
And long story short, that's why nobody knows me.
But you know, I realize that sex sells,
and I've got a kid on the way.
So back to my husband coming inside me--
but seriously, back to my husband coming inside me.
I let my husband come inside me when I was ovulating,
and immediately after, I freaked out.
I got, like, breeder's remorse.
I don't know what you call it.
But I ran to the bathroom.
And I was like, ah!
Should I make eye contact with you?
Ah! Sorry, sorry.
That was uncalled for.
I'm sorry.
I scooped it out.
I was like, ah!
Ah!
And it worked that month.
It worked.
The scoop-out method worked.
And I'm not--
I'm not saying that you guys should use the scoop-out method
as contraception if you're under 38 or live in a red state.
But for me, that month, it worked.
And it got me thinking that maybe even people trying
to conceive should do it via the scoop-out method,
just because of what the next generation is
going to have to endure, with climate change,
rising extremism, potential nuclear war.
You want to make that environment inhospitable right
from the moment of conception!
I don't even know if I want a kid
as much as I want a survivor, someone who's
going to rescue Mommy when she's trapped in the flooding
nursing home.
I picture James Franco in the movie, 127 Hours.
But he's like the little sperm trying
to make his way to the egg while his friends are being
clawed away by my fingers.
He's sawing off his arm, being like, I'm going to make it!
I haven't seen that movie.
Is that what it's about?
Either way, I would cast James Franco to play semen yesterday.
He just has that-- you know, that sticky charisma.
Before I got knocked up, I always
thought pregnancy was gross.
And I was right.
Fucking creepy and gross.
A friend of mine sent me a photo of her baby bump,
and I wrote back, I'd rather see a stranger's dick pic.
I think I upset her.
Maybe it wasn't the most sensitive thing to write,
or maybe she's just hormonal and crazy because she's pregnant.
Maybe it wasn't the most kind thing to write, but whatever.
[chuckles] I have-- I don't know how
to dress as a pregnant person.
I went into a maternity store the other day,
and they had boyfriend jeans, and I
was like, boyfriend jeans?
When does it end?
Like, also-- like, why do women need to feel like, oh, look you
can fit into your boyfriend's jeans.
Like, you're sexy, because you're tiny.
It's like, no, no, no, no, no.
No eight-month pregnant woman is fitting into her
boyfriend's jeans.
And also, like, boyfriend jeans?
He got her pregnant eight months ago,
and he didn't even propose.
More like asshole jeans, am I right, ladies?
Donor jeans-- whatever.
You know, I don't want to-- maybe donor jeans?
Sperm donor jeans?
I don't know.
But like, stop it with the boyfriend jeans.
Guys, do you get that shit?
Do you get sold girlfriend jeans?
No.
And like, if you did, what would they look like?
Just jeans with a period stain in the crotch?
I knew I wanted to keep it when I was in New York
and I walked by a Planned Parenthood,
and my first thought was, maybe next time, sistah.
Because that's who gets abortions--
people who already have kids.
According to the Guttmacher Institute--
least funny line to say on stage--
over 60% of people who have abortions already have kids.
Why?
Because they get it.
Fool me once, I'm a mom.
I didn't mean to talk about abortion this late in the show.
I should have opened with Roe, which
is a great baby name for the one you're
going to be forced to have.
Pretty soon, all the kids--
and there will be so many of them--
won't even know what the word, abortion, means.
You'll have your son tugging on your maternity boyfriend jeans,
being like, Mommy, Mommy, what's a ba-bortion?
[sighs] And you'll have to be like, well, little Wade,
abortions were these very common medical procedures
that people had, but they didn't really talk about publicly.
That is, until right-wing political strategists
in the 1970s decided to make abortion
a wedge issue to galvanize social conservatives
into a brand-new voting bloc, called the Moral Majority,
because they were mad that the Democratic government was
threatening to take away their tax-exempt status for not
integrating their private white Christian schools,
and they thought that being anti-abortion
might be more palatable than being racist.
Those were the days, am I right?
[applause, cheering]
Aw.
Remember when people were afraid to be openly racist?
Anyway, blah, blah, blah.
Run along and play with your eight brothers, little Wade,
while Mommy starts this car in a sealed garage.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
I feel guilty, not getting an abortion
while I still have the chance.
Sorry-- while we still have the chance.
I feel guilty not getting an abortion while the two of us
fully formed humans still have a chance.
It feels like passing up free tickets
to see the Rolling Stones.
They might not be around in a month.
They're very old.
For 50 years, both abortions and Mick Jagger
have been servicing women.
And those days are numbered.
As I said, I'm 27 weeks pregnant.
So I'm right on the cusp.
In some states, abortion is totally legal.
In others, I could walk into a bank and be like, nobody move.
Nobody move.
I've got a hostage with more constitutional rights than me.
Hand over the money.
I know abortion is a sensitive topic.
And if anything I say makes you uncomfortable,
feel free to leave.
I would never dare force you to do anything against your will.
[applause, cheering]
We all have different ideas about when life begins.
My personal belief is that life begins at 40.
So I hear.
Or at least, like, when the fetus develops a voice.
OK?
And I don't mean, like, physically.
I mean, metaphorically, like a refined comedic voice--
like 28?
31?
My personal belief-- life begins at 40.
Republicans believe life begins at rape.
Aw, prove me wrong.
Please, I'm waiting for someone to prove me wrong.
Tomato, to-mah-to.
Some are more moderate.
Some believe abortion should be a private decision
between a politician and his NRA lobbyist.
Others, like Matt Gaetz, would be pro-abortion
if, instead of abortion, we called it taking out a minor.
Thank you, thank you.
But don't worry, uteri.
Is that what we call us now? Uteri?
What do you call us now?
Don't worry, wombs.
You can still get an abortion in places like Texas.
You just have to make sure that if you get caught, to tell them
it was stand your ground.
You'll get away with it.
I'm at that age where a lot of my friends are having kids--
sorry, miscarriages.
[chuckles]
A lot of my friends are having miscarriages,
because they're cool.
[laughs] They spent their 20s traveling, taking
improv classes, zit, zap, zop.
They waited to have kids, miscarriages-- same thing--
after 38.
Girls have kids-- blech, boring!
Women miscarry!
You guys are so scared.
What you need to realize is that everybody miscarries.
That is a children's book that hasn't been written yet.
Everybody miscarries.
We just don't talk about it, because you guys
react like this.
But while we're not talking about it,
they are legislating it.
They're criminalizing it.
In Indiana, there is a law where they want women who miscarry
to have to bury the goop.
Yes, yes.
And there's no word for the byproducts of conception.
So let's just call it Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle brand.
I don't know.
We just have to talk about this stuff,
but it's hard to talk about.
It's hard for female comics to talk about our periods
on stage, let alone one with an elbow.
Yeah, that's one of the worst jokes I ever wrote.
There's one worse one coming up, but--
it was so funny for about seven weeks.
And then, it died.
You guys!
What?!
That's the line?
You have to laugh at that, because if you don't, you'll
stress out the baby.
And you'll make me miscarry, you guys!
[sighs] I didn't take my husband's last name,
and it's-- yeah, thanks.
[applause]
It's not because it's Epstein.
I know that makes me sound anti-Semitic.
If only I were anti-Semitic, you know, then
I'd fill stadiums in America.
But I'm not.
I didn't take my husband's last name.
But when we found out that we were pregnant--
I know, that's so cheesy.
When we found out we were pregnant--
when we found out he was pregnant--
[laughter]
When we found out he was pregnant,
we decided to give the fetus a pet name
before we even knew the sex.
And naturally, that pet name was Jeffrey Epstein.
I have a pregnancy app every week.
They give me an update.
They're like, Jeffrey Epstein's the size of a kumquat.
We decided to name the fetus "Jeffrey Epstein," because I
am 39, high-risk pregnancy.
If anything happened, we could always just say,
maybe Jeffrey Epstein killed himself.
And for the record, I don't think the real Jeffrey Epstein
killed himself.
I think he had help, and I just wish whoever strangled him
to death had made him go down on a woman his own age beforehand.
Because that at least would have been torture.
It's like the pedophile equivalent of waterboarding.
You know, if they had just gotten
JK Rowling to sit on his face.
Do you know what I mean?
Thank you.
That would have been justice!
JK Rowling is actually not Epstein's age.
She's a decade younger.
She just looks old, because she's transphobic.
Yeah.
And when you hate people for no reason, it gives you wrinkles.
And in the rare occasion-- six Netflix specials.
What is that about?
Maybe we know.
Maybe it's very clear what that's about.
I don't understand certain male comics and their transphobia.
There is one group that I irrationally dislike,
but unlike male comics who are transphobic,
I don't secretly want to fuck male magicians.
I don't like male magicians.
They're like incels who can't fix your laptop.
There is one male magician I admire,
and that is David Copperfield.
Because it takes a lot of talent to make sexual assault
allegations disappear.
A lot of people don't know that David Copperfield allegedly
drugged and sexually assaulted an underage model in 1988.
Or did he?
Poof.
I don't-- I don't get transphobia.
I do-- I don't get transphobic policies.
I do agree with GOP bathroom bills, though.
Hear me out.
I think we should have separate bathrooms for Republicans.
It's a safety issue.
I don't mean to sound parochial, but it comes down
to personal safety.
I don't feel physically safe in 2022,
peeing next to women who still support that party.
Just imagine.
You're in the bathroom.
You're vulnerable.
You're naked, because you have a tendency to wear onesies.
You're vulnerable.
You're fully naked.
You're peeing next to Susan Collins.
Why do we even know who that is?
And then, let's say, hypothetically,
a sexual predator walks into the bathroom.
What is she going to do?
Put him on the Supreme Court?
Ah!
Scary to think about.
It feels like the bad guys are winning, because they are.
I can't even watch the news anymore.
I've started watching sports instead, just
to remind myself that powerful men can lose.
I never used to watch football prior to, like, 2020.
I never watched football-- so barbaric,
the whole premise of the sport.
Someone hands you a ball, and then a bunch of rapists
chase you!
Ah!
But now, football's my guilty pleasure.
I love watching football.
100% of the time, when you watch football, 1/2 of those men
will lose.
It's more than a game to me.
It's about watching Tom Brady lose.
Thank you, it's just--
you know, it's--
I feel bad for so many Americans who are so angry,
and they've been conned into voting against their own
self interests.
And I just feel bad for so many Americans who've
been sucked down conspiracy theory rabbit
holes, like QAnon.
And I can't even make fun of QAnon,
because it's not even the craziest conspiracy.
Like, JFK, Jr. still being alive is
way more credible than a pregnant virgin.
Look, we made it through a whole MeToo movement.
It's over now. We know that.
But we made it through.
[laughs] We tried.
But we made it through a whole MeToo movement,
and no one called that shit out.
Mary had Jesus when she was, what, 12?
And people will argue, hey, they didn't live that
long back in biblical times.
All right, pedophile apologist.
Abraham lived till 175.
I'm not saying god is a pedophile, because that
would imply that god exists.
But whoever wrote the New Testament--
probably a woman, because we don't know her name.
She didn't need to take credit for it.
Whoever wrote the New Testament may
be cool with kids getting impregnated.
My point is, next Christmas, when you're opening
your presents, unpack that.
Are there any Republicans here?
On that note, are there any Republicans here?
By a show of heils.
It's OK.
I always have Republicans in my shows.
I'm a blond white lady.
They just stumble in thinking I'm someone else.
If you're here, thank you for being here.
We are still a democracy-- if you don't vote in the midterms.
Thank you for not wooing.
It's comforting to me that you feel shame.
I never thought I would be nostalgic for an era
in American history when white supremacists hid their faces.
But here we are.
So if you're here, thank you for being here.
Come see me after.
I'll buy you a drink.
And if you're driving, I'll buy you seven.
Because that's who you are.
You are the drunk driver in American democracy.
You might walk away from the accident,
but so many of us won't.
And I don't want to make fun of them, because it's not working.
It doesn't help.
We've learned it doesn't help.
I don't want to make fun of them.
I just want to walk them off the ledge of fascism.
Come back.
Come back, guys.
I want them to remember that there was a time when we all
lived in a United States of America that definitely
fucked up--
United States of America.
That was definitely a work in progress.
That still is definitely a work in progress.
But we got a lot done for the benefit of so many.
The polio vaccine was an American invention
that people took.
We got a guy on the moon.
Or did we?
Rules and regulations that made all of us safer--
seatbelts, safety latches in trunks of cars--
stuff we don't even think about.
But there was a time when every car in America
didn't have a safety latch.
And then, one day, a woman by the name of Janette Fennell--
nobody cares.
She's not a Kardashian.
Janette, 1995, San Francisco--
Janette and her husband are held up at gunpoint.
My friends in the UK have the cutest term for it--
I think it's called, like, knifepoint.
Whatever.
They were shoved into the trunk of their car,
robbed, driven to a remote location, left for dead.
Janette thinks they're going to die.
She's scrounging around the trunk.
She finds a safety latch, miraculously.
She lifts it, the trunk pops open, and they escape.
And after she escaped, she thought
every single car made in America needs
to have a safety latch in the trunk,
so that this never happens to anyone ever again.
So she lobbied the Democrats and the Republicans,
and they listened to her.
Because she wasn't alone in that trunk.
There was a man with her.
Yeah.
And he almost died, too.
I just got chills.
Just thinking about men dying--
I got chills.
You can see them.
I got chills.
Don't you see them?
I have a man to corroborate it.
He says-- he said I got chills, so believe him.
I got chills.
If Janette, that dirty little skank,
had been alone in the trunk of some guy's car,
people would have been like, what was she wearing?
Bitch was asking for it.
But because her husband was with her and could vouch for her,
people believed her.
It became a public health crisis.
The Democrats and the Republicans worked together,
and they were like, we got to stop men from getting
trapped in trunks of cars.
So they put pressure on the very powerful automotive industry,
and it worked.
And as of 2002, every car made in America
has a safety latch in the trunk, all thanks to--
[speaking gibberish]
What's her last name?
No?
[speaking gibberish] TRL.
You're too young for that.
I think about Janelle--
who gives a fuck--
and her crowning achievement and bipartisan legislative victory.
Because that would never happen in 2022.
If Janette tried to get safety latches in trunks of cars
today, people would be, like, so upset about it.
We're so politicized and so polarized right now.
People would be on Facebook, being like, blech,
I don't want the government to tell me who I can and who I
cannot trap in the trunk of my car.
[coughs]
He definitely has COVID.
You'd have people protesting outside of car dealerships,
being like--
[grunts] my auto body, my choice!
[sighs] The future feels bleak.
Remember, ladies, aw.
Wombs-- sorry, wombs.
Remember when we thought the future was female?
Ha, ha, ha.
I still have my T-shirt.
I used it the other day to clean up vomit.
I don't think the future is female.
I don't think we're going to see a female president in America
in our lifetime.
We could.
There is one way--
if we all give Biden a second term.
And then, we wait three years.
It's just how time works.
Or, if that doesn't happen, we could always
weekend at Bernie's won't end.
Yes, get a corpse of a woman.
Just prop her up, give the American people what they want,
you know?
America's got a type.
It's dead, blonde, white women.
We have an epidemic of femicide in our country.
Our government doesn't keep track of the number
of women murdered by men.
But one woman started to.
Her name is Dawn Wilcox.
And in 2018, she found out that every single day
in America, about 4 and 1/2 women are murdered by men.
And I'm sure the other 1/2 isn't doing too well either.
That's the worst joke in the show.
That's the hardest.
Worst joke in the show.
Thank you for laughing at that, you psychos.
Thank you.
I just can't think of women being murdered in fractions,
you know, because then, I just picture,
like, a torso on the beach.
4 and 1/2?
What about the other 1/2?
She's not doing great.
What is the other 1/2?
Did she survive her attacker, but then he's, like,
dead inside, and just a shell of herself with life drained out
of her eyes, trying to get it together every single day,
but you can't?
What's the other 1/2?
Is it like a woman who walked out of a botched magic trick?
What's the other 1/2?
Is it a pregnant person?
Apparently, one of the leading causes
of death for pregnant people in America is homicide.
I just found that out.
It's because their partners kill them.
It's the male version of abortion.
You might not want this or be able to get it,
but no one's stopping me.
A couple of years ago, a woman got murdered.
She was getting into a car that she thought was her Uber.
And it wasn't.
It was just some random guy's car, and he killed her.
And to this day, they don't have the motive.
And I think about that all the time.
And it makes me wonder, like, what percentage of men
would murder a woman if you thought
you could get away with it?
If she just accidentally wandered into your car?
I can't answer that, but maybe the men in here--
maybe you can.
And if you're thinking, none of my friends
would murder women, maybe that murderer is you.
We have to laugh.
Otherwise, we would just cry.
There's a lot to cry about, but--
And I just want you all to know, for the record, I love men.
I love men.
One of my best friends is a man.
I love men.
I'm half-man on my dad's side.
Just got it checked.
I love men, and I think it's harder
to be a man in America in 2022 than it is to be a woman.
And I'm not just saying that to get on Joe Rogan's podcast.
Hear me out.
I think it's harder to be a man in America in 2022
than it is to be a woman, and here's why.
Because you guys are so good at killing us.
And yet, we still live longer.
What the fuck, you guys?
How did that happen?
You can't even do the one thing you're good at!
But it's not your fault. Men, it's not your fault. Feel
like you don't believe me, so I want a Good
Will Hunting this moment.
And I want all the men in here--
just the men.
I see you guys, and you're not looking at me,
but you're included.
I want all the men in here, on the count of three, to say,
it's not my fault.
Up here, too.
Camera operators, you, too.
I want all the men in here to say, it's not my fault. OK?
On the count of three.
One, two, three--
[laughter]
[mumbling] Come on.
Come on.
That one lacked a little confidence.
And men, I know how much you struggle with confidence.
So I want you to try it again.
And I want you to really own it this time.
OK?
Like you own everything else.
On the count of three, just the men-- on the count of three,
it's not my fault. One, two, three.
- It's not our fault!
- One more time!
Be in tune with everyone else, OK?
In general, I would appreciate the support,
but I want us all to--
I want it to sound good for the taping.
OK.
So thank you, thank you for your support.
But just either-- you can be quiet, actually.
Well, I don't-- we get the memo, and I appreciate you,
but we are doing a taping.
We want to sound--
But it's OK.
Some people don't have that--
we all have-- anyway, all right.
So one more time, except for you-- one more time.
I want all the men in here-- no help, ladies.
Just the men.
On the count of three, say, it's not my fault, OK?
One, two, three!
- It's not my fault!
- It's not your fault!
Whose fault is it!
Mom's!
[laughter]
It's your mom's fault. It's your mom's fault.
It's Mommy's fault. It's Mommy.
Mommy.
Mommy did this to you.
It's your mommy's fault.
It's Mom's fault, because Mommy tried
to raise you to be a man in a world
that she thought she knew.
And now, that world is changing, and you
don't know your place in it.
So it's Mom's fault.
Who else's fault is it?
Mine.
I don't know why, but I read the comments.
I don't know how to make you guys less angry and
less destructive.
But I think we got to figure something out,
because we're running out of time.
And I think one thing that might help
is if you were a little more in touch with your emotions
before they sprayed out of you in bullets,
or gave you a heart attack.
And I think something that could help
with that is if you cried a little bit more,
like tonight, after this show.
If the men in here go home, draw a warm bath,
throw on some Pantera--
I don't know what you listen to.
Put on Rudy.
I don't know.
Scarface?
In Bruges?
I don't know what makes you guys cry.
And rub one out--
of your face.
Jerk off your eyes.
Jizz out some tears.
Ejaculate your emotions.
Because you are killing us.
And you are killing each other.
And it would be really cool if you could take it down a notch.
Just kidding.
Pussies.
These are just jokes, you fucking pussies.
These are just jokes, you fucking pussies!
It's hard to talk about violence in America,
because it's everywhere right now.
We're all so traumatized and terrorized.
I can't believe any of you made it out of the house.
There is one type of violence that nobody talks about.
But it's connected to every other type of violence,
and that is domestic violence.
I think the PC term now is intimate partner violence,
because a lot of millennials don't own homes.
We have to talk about domestic violence.
And we have to figure out a way to tackle
domestic violence-- maybe not the right word choice.
Choke the shit out of domestic violence.
But how do we do that if the first responders
to domestic violent incidents can't even recognize them?
I think of the recent murder of Gabby Pepito.
If you don't know about Gabby's story,
she was a beautiful blonde, white woman whose smile
could light up the room.
They say that about all the dead white girls.
It makes me not want to go to the dentist.
Gabby's murder played out on social media.
And the whole country watched it,
and it brought up all these issues like our obsession
with white women who go missing and who
are murdered-- missing white woman syndrome-- as opposed
to women who are not white, women who are Indigenous,
trans women, who go missing and who are
murdered at far higher rates.
But it also brought up a lot of other issues.
And if you don't know what happened,
so Gabby disappeared in a very scenic part of Utah,
called Moab.
I wish that wasn't my first takeaway,
but it's, like, now on my bucket list.
It's so picturesque.
Ugh!
It's beautiful.
I was like, I didn't know Moab was so beautiful.
Anyway, immediately, the suspect is her--
I don't want to call him her fiance, Brian Laundrie.
I don't want to call him her fiance,
because I don't know where their relationship was at.
But there should be a word for the guy who most likely kills
the woman, because it happens so often in our country.
And that word should also be French.
Let's call it "killere," whatever.
So the one that got away-- that guy--
he's the suspect, and he kills her, we find out later.
And before he killed her, there was an incident
on the side of the road where law enforcement could have
intervened and saved her, but they
didn't do a good-enough job at recognizing
that she was in distress, that she was
a victim of domestic violence.
So the question becomes, how do we
train law enforcement to recognize
signs of domestic violence?
Do you say, hey, officer, if you see
a woman who looks at you the way your wife does,
arrest that man!
We're not saying domestic violence
is a problem among law enforcement.
Maybe just, like, a requirement to gain entry into the academy.
You know, because you can't use that gun on the street.
A guy could get hurt.
You gotta practice pistol-whipping people
who love you.
You guys can laugh at that.
There are no cops in here.
They would have had to have been vaccinated.
I don't want to tease the cops, because it's
a really hard, stressful job, and there are
a lot of good cops out there.
It would be great to hear from any of them.
And as far as the bad apples, it's not their fault either.
Right, guys?
It's not their fault. Whose fault is it?
- Moms.
- Yes, you guys are getting it.
If there is any takeaway from this show,
it's that it's always the mom's fault!
All moms are bastards!
I'm just thinking about moms, and moms of sons,
in particular.
Because surprise, surprise, I'm having a boy.
Whoo! Yeah!
On the bright side, it means now, I can drink.
When people find out I'm having a boy,
one of the first things they say is, good for you.
America needs more boys raised by strong feminist women.
It's a lot of pressure.
I don't know how to raise a boy to be
a good man in America in 2022.
And I think it starts with accountability--
holding bad actors--
and good actors, like Kevin Spacey--
accountable.
But I got to say, the past few years
have been pretty demoralizing.
Watching so many men who've been accused
of sexual misconduct or worse evade accountability, continue
to thrive professionally, profit off
of the goodwill other people have for them--
as a woman, I find it infuriating.
But as a mother, I have a son.
I am so fucking relieved.
The sky is the limit for you, my little lady killer.
He just kicked.
You can be the biggest piece of shit on the planet,
and still end up president!
Thank you guys so much!
Thank you so much for coming out to the show.
Get home safely, and have a good night.
[applause, cheering]