1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:09,092 --> 00:00:11,720 [cheering, applause] 4 00:00:23,732 --> 00:00:26,234 - Thank you all so much for being here. 5 00:00:29,738 --> 00:00:31,740 Thank you for being vaccinated. 6 00:00:31,781 --> 00:00:34,200 I know there's a lot of misinformation 7 00:00:34,242 --> 00:00:35,660 around the vaccines. 8 00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:39,497 When I first heard the vaccines might cause infertility, 9 00:00:39,539 --> 00:00:40,582 I was like, yes! 10 00:00:43,501 --> 00:00:46,212 But apparently, they don't. 11 00:00:46,254 --> 00:00:52,677 [applause, cheering] I have nothing to do with it. 12 00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:53,595 I just laid there. 13 00:00:57,140 --> 00:01:00,560 I am 27 weeks pregnant. 14 00:01:00,602 --> 00:01:07,567 Yeah, and I think I'm going to keep it. 15 00:01:07,609 --> 00:01:10,487 I've never wanted to be a mom, but I've always 16 00:01:10,528 --> 00:01:11,571 wanted to be a prop comic. 17 00:01:15,408 --> 00:01:19,162 Are there any moms in the audience? 18 00:01:19,204 --> 00:01:22,207 Oh, well, you should be home with your kids. 19 00:01:22,248 --> 00:01:23,249 I'm not thinking that. 20 00:01:23,291 --> 00:01:26,252 Everyone else is. 21 00:01:26,294 --> 00:01:28,213 I love moms. 22 00:01:28,254 --> 00:01:31,800 A friend of mine just had a kid, and she's so sad about it. 23 00:01:31,841 --> 00:01:35,762 She said, Jena, I think I have postpartum depression. 24 00:01:35,804 --> 00:01:38,223 And I told her, no, you're just right. 25 00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:47,399 You're just picking up what America is throwing down! 26 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:49,234 America hates moms! 27 00:01:49,275 --> 00:01:50,652 America hates moms! 28 00:01:53,363 --> 00:01:56,783 America hates moms! 29 00:01:56,825 --> 00:01:58,576 Thank you, one dad. 30 00:01:58,618 --> 00:02:04,582 Now, you can tell that America hates moms by our language. 31 00:02:04,624 --> 00:02:11,464 We have words like, "son of a bitch," and "motherfucker." 32 00:02:11,506 --> 00:02:13,216 "Motherfucker?" 33 00:02:13,258 --> 00:02:14,300 Ew! 34 00:02:14,342 --> 00:02:16,594 Gross! 35 00:02:16,636 --> 00:02:18,471 Ew, he fucks moms? 36 00:02:18,513 --> 00:02:19,347 Eugh! 37 00:02:21,725 --> 00:02:22,642 Motherfucker. 38 00:02:22,684 --> 00:02:23,893 Isn't that just a dad? 39 00:02:30,025 --> 00:02:32,318 You can tell by our laws. 40 00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:36,573 We are the only developed nation without paid leave. 41 00:02:36,614 --> 00:02:39,743 The best way to get the government to pay for your time 42 00:02:39,784 --> 00:02:44,205 off as a new mom is to become a cop and shoot someone. 43 00:02:50,462 --> 00:02:51,838 Relax, you guys. 44 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,423 OK? 45 00:02:53,465 --> 00:02:58,219 My brother's a cop, for the purposes of that joke. 46 00:03:01,890 --> 00:03:05,393 I don't have a brother. 47 00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:07,354 But I have a couple more cop jokes in the show, 48 00:03:07,395 --> 00:03:09,898 and I want you to enjoy them. 49 00:03:12,901 --> 00:03:16,029 I don't have a lot of mom jokes, because no one 50 00:03:16,071 --> 00:03:18,531 wants to hear them. 51 00:03:18,573 --> 00:03:22,410 No one gives a shit about mom jokes. 52 00:03:22,452 --> 00:03:24,704 They're like the moms of jokes. 53 00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:32,504 My mom tried to follow me on Instagram recently, 54 00:03:32,545 --> 00:03:35,507 and I blocked her immediately. 55 00:03:35,548 --> 00:03:37,717 It felt like that moment in Jurassic Park 56 00:03:37,759 --> 00:03:39,552 where they learn how to unlock doors. 57 00:03:44,557 --> 00:03:47,727 She couldn't be here tonight, because my comedy's not 58 00:03:47,769 --> 00:03:50,313 for everyone. 59 00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:51,022 I love my mom. 60 00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:53,858 We get along great. 61 00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:56,611 When I first came out-- 62 00:03:56,653 --> 00:04:00,740 as a comedian, she treated the news 63 00:04:00,782 --> 00:04:03,493 like there had been a death in the family. 64 00:04:03,535 --> 00:04:06,788 She said, I'd rather you be gay. 65 00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:09,499 Because at least that's something you can't control. 66 00:04:12,961 --> 00:04:16,881 But she came around, and she would show her support 67 00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:22,762 by sending me articles she had read about other comedians who 68 00:04:22,804 --> 00:04:25,932 had killed themselves. 69 00:04:25,974 --> 00:04:29,060 I am not making that up. 70 00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:30,478 She's the funny one. 71 00:04:33,523 --> 00:04:35,859 It seems pretty easy to be a dad-- next to, 72 00:04:35,900 --> 00:04:39,446 like, influencer-- in terms of the skill 73 00:04:39,487 --> 00:04:42,323 set it requires of you. 74 00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:48,580 A friend of mine had a solo show a little while 75 00:04:48,621 --> 00:04:51,624 ago about being a new dad. 76 00:04:51,666 --> 00:04:53,084 He went to Broadway. 77 00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:56,838 And it was so good, because he had time to write it. 78 00:05:02,510 --> 00:05:03,845 You guys should feel lucky to see 79 00:05:03,887 --> 00:05:06,431 me live, because once this thing pops out, 80 00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:09,517 I'm never going to have time to do standup comedy again. 81 00:05:13,563 --> 00:05:17,776 My husband and I got married during the pandemic. 82 00:05:17,817 --> 00:05:19,569 I'm still not used to the word, "husband." 83 00:05:19,611 --> 00:05:22,614 I prefer "ex-boyfriend." 84 00:05:22,655 --> 00:05:23,740 It's just cleaner, you know? 85 00:05:23,782 --> 00:05:26,659 It's more relatable. 86 00:05:26,701 --> 00:05:27,994 And sorry, New York-- 87 00:05:28,036 --> 00:05:29,579 New Yorkers, I forgot-- a boyfriend 88 00:05:29,621 --> 00:05:33,875 is-- how do I describe it? 89 00:05:33,917 --> 00:05:35,627 You don't have them here. You're cool. 90 00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:36,586 You don't pair-bond. 91 00:05:36,628 --> 00:05:38,546 That's for us normies in LA. 92 00:05:38,588 --> 00:05:41,466 A boyfriend is-- it's kind of like a podcast 93 00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:42,133 that you can fuck. 94 00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:47,681 Sometimes hit or miss, but always there 95 00:05:47,722 --> 00:05:51,101 to lull you to sleep. 96 00:05:51,142 --> 00:05:53,436 My husband is a musician. 97 00:05:53,478 --> 00:05:56,022 So if there's anyone in here under 25, 98 00:05:56,064 --> 00:05:57,857 a musician is kind of like a DJ. 99 00:06:01,569 --> 00:06:04,864 And he's a keeper. 100 00:06:04,906 --> 00:06:09,869 And I know he's a keeper, because he was married before, 101 00:06:09,911 --> 00:06:16,543 and his ex-wife is still alive. 102 00:06:16,584 --> 00:06:17,502 Aw! 103 00:06:17,544 --> 00:06:19,713 How cute! 104 00:06:19,754 --> 00:06:22,007 How old-school! 105 00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:22,882 What a mensch! 106 00:06:22,924 --> 00:06:26,803 [laughs] So romantic! 107 00:06:26,845 --> 00:06:31,516 So ladies, if you're looking for love and you're dating a guy, 108 00:06:31,558 --> 00:06:36,980 and his ex is still breathing, hold on to that. 109 00:06:37,022 --> 00:06:39,107 We don't have a word for it in the English language. 110 00:06:39,149 --> 00:06:41,151 It's the opposite of "lady killer." 111 00:06:44,779 --> 00:06:49,868 Why is "lady killer" a term in our language? 112 00:06:49,909 --> 00:06:53,163 Why is "lady killer" a positive attribute 113 00:06:53,204 --> 00:06:58,126 that we bestow upon impressionable young boys? 114 00:06:58,168 --> 00:06:59,169 Oh, my god. 115 00:06:59,210 --> 00:07:00,670 Look at little Henry. 116 00:07:00,712 --> 00:07:02,797 Oh, my god, Henry is going to be such a lady 117 00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:04,758 killer when he grows up! 118 00:07:04,799 --> 00:07:09,012 Oh, coochie, coochie, coo, he's going to be such a lady killer! 119 00:07:09,054 --> 00:07:10,722 A lady killer! 120 00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:13,099 Cut to 30 years from now, and Henry's like, 121 00:07:13,141 --> 00:07:15,894 my mommy used to call me a lady killer, 122 00:07:15,935 --> 00:07:19,105 as he's wearing her skin. 123 00:07:19,147 --> 00:07:23,068 Fuck lady killer. 124 00:07:23,109 --> 00:07:26,613 Ugh, who came up with lady killer? 125 00:07:26,654 --> 00:07:29,240 A lady killer. 126 00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:32,035 I dated a lot of clowns before I met my husband. 127 00:07:34,996 --> 00:07:40,960 I dated one clown before I met my husband. 128 00:07:41,002 --> 00:07:43,171 I dated one clown, two mimes. 129 00:07:45,965 --> 00:07:46,883 I dated a blue man. 130 00:07:51,012 --> 00:07:54,641 I dated all around the zodiac. 131 00:07:54,683 --> 00:07:56,267 I dated a tech guy. 132 00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:59,187 I thought he was awkward, because he worked in tech. 133 00:07:59,229 --> 00:08:01,690 But it was actually because he was married. 134 00:08:04,859 --> 00:08:05,777 The two read the same. 135 00:08:09,114 --> 00:08:14,703 In his defense, he was in a polyamorous relationship. 136 00:08:14,744 --> 00:08:15,620 His wife wasn't. 137 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:22,043 I want to make fun of polyamory, because it's stupid. 138 00:08:25,088 --> 00:08:27,674 But I can't, because every time I 139 00:08:27,716 --> 00:08:32,178 try, I always get heckled by polyamorous couples, which 140 00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:35,348 is worse than getting heckled by a regular couple, 141 00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:38,268 because there are so many of them. 142 00:08:43,898 --> 00:08:45,608 I had a hard time dating. 143 00:08:45,650 --> 00:08:48,028 I know that's like, oh, my god, what a novel thing to say, 144 00:08:48,069 --> 00:08:49,988 with a microphone, as a woman on stage. 145 00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:50,989 No, but I did. 146 00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:54,242 I had a hard time dating. 147 00:08:54,284 --> 00:08:58,747 I even went to a therapist about it at one point. 148 00:08:58,788 --> 00:09:01,207 And she said, Jena, it's not you. 149 00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:05,712 It's the men in New York City. 150 00:09:05,754 --> 00:09:11,301 And I said, Deborah, can you say that again while I'm recording? 151 00:09:11,343 --> 00:09:13,887 And now, it's my ringtone. 152 00:09:13,928 --> 00:09:18,058 Then, she said, but if you want my advice, which 153 00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:21,353 is why I assume you're here-- 154 00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:23,730 and I said, I'm here, because you're affordable, 155 00:09:23,772 --> 00:09:26,232 and I can't trust my friends. 156 00:09:28,943 --> 00:09:30,236 But I'll take it, Deborah. 157 00:09:30,278 --> 00:09:31,905 I'll take your advice. 158 00:09:31,946 --> 00:09:34,908 And she said, you know, you can work on doing a better 159 00:09:34,949 --> 00:09:40,330 job at making men feel safe. 160 00:09:40,372 --> 00:09:41,748 [audience laughter] 161 00:09:41,790 --> 00:09:43,416 I laughed, too. 162 00:09:43,458 --> 00:09:44,250 What? 163 00:09:44,292 --> 00:09:45,168 Men feel safe? 164 00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:46,294 What? 165 00:09:46,336 --> 00:09:48,338 Why do men need to feel safe? 166 00:09:48,380 --> 00:09:50,340 Can't you guys just hire a bodyguard 167 00:09:50,382 --> 00:09:51,883 with all the money you're making? 168 00:09:56,346 --> 00:09:59,349 But apparently, men are very sensitive, 169 00:09:59,391 --> 00:10:03,061 and they need to feel safe. 170 00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:05,021 And so I took Deborah's advice. 171 00:10:05,063 --> 00:10:07,691 And for the next guy that I was dating, 172 00:10:07,732 --> 00:10:10,694 I worked really hard to make him feel safe. 173 00:10:10,735 --> 00:10:12,696 I didn't talk about him on stage. 174 00:10:15,990 --> 00:10:16,908 Until he got married. 175 00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:25,250 I didn't talk about him on stage. 176 00:10:25,291 --> 00:10:32,799 And he held up his end of the bargain by not murdering me. 177 00:10:32,841 --> 00:10:34,300 We're happy. 178 00:10:34,342 --> 00:10:38,304 And people ask us, friends will ask, what's your secret? 179 00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:39,472 You guys are so happy. 180 00:10:39,514 --> 00:10:41,141 What's your secret? 181 00:10:41,182 --> 00:10:45,228 And I tell them, find someone who looks at you the way 182 00:10:45,270 --> 00:10:48,314 a white cop looks at a white mass shooter. 183 00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:54,070 Like a doting chauffeur. 184 00:10:54,112 --> 00:10:56,156 Where do you want to go next, Dylan? 185 00:10:56,197 --> 00:10:57,157 Burger King? 186 00:11:00,368 --> 00:11:02,954 Two cop jokes down, one to go. 187 00:11:05,415 --> 00:11:10,879 My husband and I met after the 2016 election. 188 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:11,796 What do you call it? 189 00:11:11,838 --> 00:11:13,131 That wasn't-- election? 190 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:14,174 I don't-- whatever. 191 00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:16,009 We met after the 2016 election. 192 00:11:16,051 --> 00:11:19,512 I was like, we're slipping into The Handmaid's Tale. 193 00:11:19,554 --> 00:11:22,515 I'm going to need a man to help me access my bank 194 00:11:22,557 --> 00:11:29,147 account once they freeze it. 195 00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:30,940 I realize that sounds neurotic. 196 00:11:30,982 --> 00:11:33,860 I am neurotic-- also Jewish. 197 00:11:33,902 --> 00:11:36,154 Same thing. 198 00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:39,366 It's just inherited trauma from over 5,000 years 199 00:11:39,407 --> 00:11:41,534 of being chased. 200 00:11:41,576 --> 00:11:44,245 I'm sure there was a time when Jewish people weren't neurotic, 201 00:11:44,287 --> 00:11:46,081 but they didn't get out of Berlin. 202 00:11:48,792 --> 00:11:50,293 Aw. 203 00:11:50,335 --> 00:11:52,921 Is that too soon, you guys? 204 00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:54,047 Wait three years. 205 00:11:54,089 --> 00:11:55,548 Wait three years. 206 00:11:55,590 --> 00:11:56,383 Think about it. 207 00:11:56,424 --> 00:11:58,885 1932, Berlin. 208 00:11:58,927 --> 00:12:00,553 That person being like, Hitler? 209 00:12:00,595 --> 00:12:01,429 He's an artist. 210 00:12:05,016 --> 00:12:06,184 He's not going to hurt a fly. 211 00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:09,354 That's not in my genes. 212 00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:10,563 That's not in my DNA. 213 00:12:10,605 --> 00:12:12,065 I am not chill. 214 00:12:12,107 --> 00:12:15,402 I'm so not chill, that a couple of months 215 00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:23,201 ago, I let my husband come inside me when I was ovulating. 216 00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:26,246 Because he smokes a lot of pot, and I thought 217 00:12:26,287 --> 00:12:29,082 the pandemic would last longer. 218 00:12:29,124 --> 00:12:30,834 And before I launch into this bit, 219 00:12:30,875 --> 00:12:34,421 I just want to tell you, I'm uncomfortable talking about sex 220 00:12:34,462 --> 00:12:37,173 on stage, because I have this theory 221 00:12:37,215 --> 00:12:40,593 that female comedians of my generation-- when we were 222 00:12:40,635 --> 00:12:42,971 coming up in comedy in the early aughts, 223 00:12:43,013 --> 00:12:47,225 we were encouraged to talk about our sex lives on stage, 224 00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:49,853 because it was, like, the only way we could get men 225 00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:52,605 in the audience to listen. 226 00:12:52,647 --> 00:12:55,233 So as I got older, I was like, fuck that. 227 00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:57,402 I'm not going to talk about sex on stage. 228 00:12:57,444 --> 00:13:00,238 I'm going to talk about politics instead. 229 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:04,159 And long story short, that's why nobody knows me. 230 00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:16,046 But you know, I realize that sex sells, 231 00:13:16,087 --> 00:13:18,923 and I've got a kid on the way. 232 00:13:18,965 --> 00:13:24,054 So back to my husband coming inside me-- 233 00:13:24,095 --> 00:13:26,848 but seriously, back to my husband coming inside me. 234 00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:37,108 I let my husband come inside me when I was ovulating, 235 00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:39,152 and immediately after, I freaked out. 236 00:13:39,194 --> 00:13:40,487 I got, like, breeder's remorse. 237 00:13:40,528 --> 00:13:41,905 I don't know what you call it. 238 00:13:44,908 --> 00:13:46,576 But I ran to the bathroom. 239 00:13:46,618 --> 00:13:48,995 And I was like, ah! 240 00:13:51,373 --> 00:13:53,041 Should I make eye contact with you? 241 00:13:53,083 --> 00:13:54,334 Ah! Sorry, sorry. 242 00:13:54,376 --> 00:13:55,919 That was uncalled for. 243 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:56,670 That was uncalled for. 244 00:13:56,711 --> 00:13:58,505 I'm sorry. 245 00:13:58,546 --> 00:13:59,506 I scooped it out. 246 00:13:59,547 --> 00:14:00,507 I was like, ah! 247 00:14:00,548 --> 00:14:01,341 Ah! 248 00:14:01,383 --> 00:14:04,052 Ah! 249 00:14:04,094 --> 00:14:07,180 And it worked that month. 250 00:14:07,222 --> 00:14:08,682 It worked. 251 00:14:08,723 --> 00:14:10,183 The scoop-out method worked. 252 00:14:10,225 --> 00:14:11,059 And I'm not-- 253 00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:17,524 I'm not saying that you guys should use the scoop-out method 254 00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:22,987 as contraception if you're under 38 or live in a red state. 255 00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:28,410 But for me, that month, it worked. 256 00:14:28,451 --> 00:14:31,705 And it got me thinking that maybe even people trying 257 00:14:31,746 --> 00:14:35,166 to conceive should do it via the scoop-out method, 258 00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:37,419 just because of what the next generation is 259 00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:40,714 going to have to endure, with climate change, 260 00:14:40,755 --> 00:14:44,676 rising extremism, potential nuclear war. 261 00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:48,596 You want to make that environment inhospitable right 262 00:14:48,638 --> 00:14:53,351 from the moment of conception! 263 00:14:53,393 --> 00:14:54,728 I don't even know if I want a kid 264 00:14:54,769 --> 00:14:57,564 as much as I want a survivor, someone who's 265 00:14:57,605 --> 00:15:00,734 going to rescue Mommy when she's trapped in the flooding 266 00:15:00,775 --> 00:15:02,110 nursing home. 267 00:15:05,030 --> 00:15:12,412 I picture James Franco in the movie, 127 Hours. 268 00:15:12,454 --> 00:15:14,497 But he's like the little sperm trying 269 00:15:14,539 --> 00:15:17,625 to make his way to the egg while his friends are being 270 00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:21,004 clawed away by my fingers. 271 00:15:21,046 --> 00:15:28,511 He's sawing off his arm, being like, I'm going to make it! 272 00:15:28,553 --> 00:15:32,098 I haven't seen that movie. 273 00:15:32,140 --> 00:15:33,141 Is that what it's about? 274 00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:43,109 Either way, I would cast James Franco to play semen yesterday. 275 00:15:43,151 --> 00:15:45,487 He just has that-- you know, that sticky charisma. 276 00:15:50,533 --> 00:15:53,370 Before I got knocked up, I always 277 00:15:53,411 --> 00:15:55,372 thought pregnancy was gross. 278 00:15:55,413 --> 00:15:58,458 And I was right. 279 00:15:58,500 --> 00:16:01,795 Fucking creepy and gross. 280 00:16:01,836 --> 00:16:06,758 A friend of mine sent me a photo of her baby bump, 281 00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:10,011 and I wrote back, I'd rather see a stranger's dick pic. 282 00:16:16,184 --> 00:16:19,145 I think I upset her. 283 00:16:19,187 --> 00:16:23,274 Maybe it wasn't the most sensitive thing to write, 284 00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:27,570 or maybe she's just hormonal and crazy because she's pregnant. 285 00:16:30,281 --> 00:16:35,620 Maybe it wasn't the most kind thing to write, but whatever. 286 00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:38,415 [chuckles] I have-- I don't know how 287 00:16:38,456 --> 00:16:40,709 to dress as a pregnant person. 288 00:16:40,750 --> 00:16:43,545 I went into a maternity store the other day, 289 00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:45,839 and they had boyfriend jeans, and I 290 00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:47,549 was like, boyfriend jeans? 291 00:16:47,590 --> 00:16:49,342 When does it end? 292 00:16:49,384 --> 00:16:56,641 Like, also-- like, why do women need to feel like, oh, look you 293 00:16:56,683 --> 00:16:58,268 can fit into your boyfriend's jeans. 294 00:16:58,309 --> 00:17:00,103 Like, you're sexy, because you're tiny. 295 00:17:00,145 --> 00:17:01,521 It's like, no, no, no, no, no. 296 00:17:01,563 --> 00:17:04,274 No eight-month pregnant woman is fitting into her 297 00:17:04,315 --> 00:17:06,192 boyfriend's jeans. 298 00:17:06,234 --> 00:17:08,528 And also, like, boyfriend jeans? 299 00:17:08,570 --> 00:17:10,697 He got her pregnant eight months ago, 300 00:17:10,739 --> 00:17:13,491 and he didn't even propose. 301 00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:15,744 More like asshole jeans, am I right, ladies? 302 00:17:19,205 --> 00:17:20,498 Donor jeans-- whatever. 303 00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:22,584 You know, I don't want to-- maybe donor jeans? 304 00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:23,460 Sperm donor jeans? 305 00:17:23,501 --> 00:17:24,753 I don't know. 306 00:17:24,794 --> 00:17:26,713 But like, stop it with the boyfriend jeans. 307 00:17:26,755 --> 00:17:27,839 Guys, do you get that shit? 308 00:17:27,881 --> 00:17:31,426 Do you get sold girlfriend jeans? 309 00:17:31,468 --> 00:17:32,844 No. 310 00:17:32,886 --> 00:17:34,346 And like, if you did, what would they look like? 311 00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:35,680 Just jeans with a period stain in the crotch? 312 00:17:42,145 --> 00:17:47,484 I knew I wanted to keep it when I was in New York 313 00:17:47,525 --> 00:17:49,694 and I walked by a Planned Parenthood, 314 00:17:49,736 --> 00:17:53,448 and my first thought was, maybe next time, sistah. 315 00:17:57,619 --> 00:18:00,580 Because that's who gets abortions-- 316 00:18:00,622 --> 00:18:02,874 people who already have kids. 317 00:18:02,916 --> 00:18:04,584 According to the Guttmacher Institute-- 318 00:18:04,626 --> 00:18:05,752 least funny line to say on stage-- 319 00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:12,634 over 60% of people who have abortions already have kids. 320 00:18:12,676 --> 00:18:13,510 Why? 321 00:18:13,551 --> 00:18:15,178 Because they get it. 322 00:18:20,809 --> 00:18:23,603 Fool me once, I'm a mom. 323 00:18:30,485 --> 00:18:34,364 I didn't mean to talk about abortion this late in the show. 324 00:18:39,703 --> 00:18:42,330 I should have opened with Roe, which 325 00:18:42,372 --> 00:18:43,832 is a great baby name for the one you're 326 00:18:43,873 --> 00:18:46,918 going to be forced to have. 327 00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:48,795 Pretty soon, all the kids-- 328 00:18:48,837 --> 00:18:51,256 and there will be so many of them-- 329 00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:55,343 won't even know what the word, abortion, means. 330 00:18:55,385 --> 00:19:01,391 You'll have your son tugging on your maternity boyfriend jeans, 331 00:19:01,433 --> 00:19:05,895 being like, Mommy, Mommy, what's a ba-bortion? 332 00:19:05,937 --> 00:19:17,824 [sighs] And you'll have to be like, well, little Wade, 333 00:19:17,866 --> 00:19:22,662 abortions were these very common medical procedures 334 00:19:22,704 --> 00:19:26,499 that people had, but they didn't really talk about publicly. 335 00:19:26,541 --> 00:19:29,794 That is, until right-wing political strategists 336 00:19:29,836 --> 00:19:32,797 in the 1970s decided to make abortion 337 00:19:32,839 --> 00:19:37,260 a wedge issue to galvanize social conservatives 338 00:19:37,302 --> 00:19:40,889 into a brand-new voting bloc, called the Moral Majority, 339 00:19:40,930 --> 00:19:43,725 because they were mad that the Democratic government was 340 00:19:43,767 --> 00:19:46,436 threatening to take away their tax-exempt status for not 341 00:19:46,478 --> 00:19:48,688 integrating their private white Christian schools, 342 00:19:48,730 --> 00:19:50,815 and they thought that being anti-abortion 343 00:19:50,857 --> 00:19:53,693 might be more palatable than being racist. 344 00:19:53,735 --> 00:19:55,862 Those were the days, am I right? 345 00:19:55,904 --> 00:19:58,823 [applause, cheering] 346 00:20:03,078 --> 00:20:04,954 Aw. 347 00:20:04,996 --> 00:20:07,749 Remember when people were afraid to be openly racist? 348 00:20:07,791 --> 00:20:10,001 Anyway, blah, blah, blah. 349 00:20:10,043 --> 00:20:13,630 Run along and play with your eight brothers, little Wade, 350 00:20:13,672 --> 00:20:17,634 while Mommy starts this car in a sealed garage. 351 00:20:27,602 --> 00:20:28,770 Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. 352 00:20:36,444 --> 00:20:38,905 I feel guilty, not getting an abortion 353 00:20:38,947 --> 00:20:42,450 while I still have the chance. 354 00:20:42,492 --> 00:20:45,036 Sorry-- while we still have the chance. 355 00:20:53,712 --> 00:20:57,424 I feel guilty not getting an abortion while the two of us 356 00:20:57,465 --> 00:21:00,093 fully formed humans still have a chance. 357 00:21:00,135 --> 00:21:02,595 It feels like passing up free tickets 358 00:21:02,637 --> 00:21:05,640 to see the Rolling Stones. 359 00:21:05,682 --> 00:21:09,477 They might not be around in a month. 360 00:21:09,519 --> 00:21:11,521 They're very old. 361 00:21:11,563 --> 00:21:14,607 For 50 years, both abortions and Mick Jagger 362 00:21:14,649 --> 00:21:15,900 have been servicing women. 363 00:21:19,612 --> 00:21:21,656 And those days are numbered. 364 00:21:25,910 --> 00:21:29,581 As I said, I'm 27 weeks pregnant. 365 00:21:29,622 --> 00:21:31,958 So I'm right on the cusp. 366 00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:35,420 In some states, abortion is totally legal. 367 00:21:35,462 --> 00:21:39,507 In others, I could walk into a bank and be like, nobody move. 368 00:21:41,926 --> 00:21:45,138 Nobody move. 369 00:21:45,180 --> 00:21:49,851 I've got a hostage with more constitutional rights than me. 370 00:21:52,896 --> 00:21:54,439 Hand over the money. 371 00:22:01,029 --> 00:22:03,406 I know abortion is a sensitive topic. 372 00:22:03,448 --> 00:22:07,535 And if anything I say makes you uncomfortable, 373 00:22:07,577 --> 00:22:09,829 feel free to leave. 374 00:22:09,871 --> 00:22:14,834 I would never dare force you to do anything against your will. 375 00:22:14,876 --> 00:22:17,754 [applause, cheering] 376 00:22:24,886 --> 00:22:27,514 We all have different ideas about when life begins. 377 00:22:27,555 --> 00:22:30,725 My personal belief is that life begins at 40. 378 00:22:36,523 --> 00:22:37,482 So I hear. 379 00:22:40,026 --> 00:22:42,487 Or at least, like, when the fetus develops a voice. 380 00:22:42,529 --> 00:22:43,697 OK? 381 00:22:43,738 --> 00:22:45,198 And I don't mean, like, physically. 382 00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:48,660 I mean, metaphorically, like a refined comedic voice-- 383 00:22:48,702 --> 00:22:51,162 like 28? 384 00:22:51,204 --> 00:22:53,707 31? 385 00:22:53,748 --> 00:22:56,126 My personal belief-- life begins at 40. 386 00:22:56,167 --> 00:23:00,547 Republicans believe life begins at rape. 387 00:23:00,588 --> 00:23:01,965 Aw, prove me wrong. 388 00:23:02,007 --> 00:23:04,551 Please, I'm waiting for someone to prove me wrong. 389 00:23:07,095 --> 00:23:10,140 Tomato, to-mah-to. 390 00:23:10,181 --> 00:23:11,933 Some are more moderate. 391 00:23:11,975 --> 00:23:14,561 Some believe abortion should be a private decision 392 00:23:14,602 --> 00:23:17,772 between a politician and his NRA lobbyist. 393 00:23:21,067 --> 00:23:24,029 Others, like Matt Gaetz, would be pro-abortion 394 00:23:24,070 --> 00:23:26,823 if, instead of abortion, we called it taking out a minor. 395 00:23:32,495 --> 00:23:35,582 Thank you, thank you. 396 00:23:35,623 --> 00:23:38,585 But don't worry, uteri. 397 00:23:38,626 --> 00:23:40,086 Is that what we call us now? Uteri? 398 00:23:40,128 --> 00:23:41,087 What do you call us now? 399 00:23:41,129 --> 00:23:41,963 Don't worry, wombs. 400 00:23:44,716 --> 00:23:47,260 You can still get an abortion in places like Texas. 401 00:23:47,302 --> 00:23:50,930 You just have to make sure that if you get caught, to tell them 402 00:23:50,972 --> 00:23:52,807 it was stand your ground. 403 00:23:55,226 --> 00:23:56,227 You'll get away with it. 404 00:23:59,898 --> 00:24:02,567 I'm at that age where a lot of my friends are having kids-- 405 00:24:02,609 --> 00:24:04,069 sorry, miscarriages. 406 00:24:04,110 --> 00:24:06,988 [chuckles] 407 00:24:08,865 --> 00:24:11,993 A lot of my friends are having miscarriages, 408 00:24:12,035 --> 00:24:13,620 because they're cool. 409 00:24:13,661 --> 00:24:19,584 [laughs] They spent their 20s traveling, taking 410 00:24:19,626 --> 00:24:22,212 improv classes, zit, zap, zop. 411 00:24:25,173 --> 00:24:28,843 They waited to have kids, miscarriages-- same thing-- 412 00:24:28,885 --> 00:24:31,137 after 38. 413 00:24:31,179 --> 00:24:35,558 Girls have kids-- blech, boring! 414 00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:37,018 Women miscarry! 415 00:24:42,649 --> 00:24:43,817 You guys are so scared. 416 00:24:47,153 --> 00:24:48,988 You guys are so scared. 417 00:24:49,030 --> 00:24:53,702 What you need to realize is that everybody miscarries. 418 00:24:53,743 --> 00:24:59,082 That is a children's book that hasn't been written yet. 419 00:24:59,124 --> 00:25:01,668 Everybody miscarries. 420 00:25:01,710 --> 00:25:04,254 We just don't talk about it, because you guys 421 00:25:04,295 --> 00:25:07,007 react like this. 422 00:25:07,048 --> 00:25:09,134 But while we're not talking about it, 423 00:25:09,175 --> 00:25:10,802 they are legislating it. 424 00:25:10,844 --> 00:25:12,345 They're criminalizing it. 425 00:25:12,387 --> 00:25:17,017 In Indiana, there is a law where they want women who miscarry 426 00:25:17,058 --> 00:25:20,270 to have to bury the goop. 427 00:25:20,311 --> 00:25:22,147 Yes, yes. 428 00:25:22,188 --> 00:25:25,650 And there's no word for the byproducts of conception. 429 00:25:25,692 --> 00:25:28,653 So let's just call it Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle brand. 430 00:25:38,830 --> 00:25:40,373 I don't know. 431 00:25:40,415 --> 00:25:42,042 We just have to talk about this stuff, 432 00:25:42,083 --> 00:25:43,710 but it's hard to talk about. 433 00:25:43,752 --> 00:25:47,213 It's hard for female comics to talk about our periods 434 00:25:47,255 --> 00:25:50,592 on stage, let alone one with an elbow. 435 00:25:54,929 --> 00:25:59,309 Yeah, that's one of the worst jokes I ever wrote. 436 00:25:59,351 --> 00:26:03,897 There's one worse one coming up, but-- 437 00:26:03,938 --> 00:26:09,402 it was so funny for about seven weeks. 438 00:26:09,444 --> 00:26:12,364 And then, it died. 439 00:26:12,405 --> 00:26:13,198 You guys! 440 00:26:13,239 --> 00:26:15,825 What?! 441 00:26:15,867 --> 00:26:17,869 That's the line? 442 00:26:17,911 --> 00:26:20,413 You have to laugh at that, because if you don't, you'll 443 00:26:20,455 --> 00:26:22,791 stress out the baby. 444 00:26:22,832 --> 00:26:26,044 And you'll make me miscarry, you guys! 445 00:26:26,086 --> 00:26:29,839 [sighs] I didn't take my husband's last name, 446 00:26:29,881 --> 00:26:31,257 and it's-- yeah, thanks. 447 00:26:31,299 --> 00:26:34,219 [applause] 448 00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:36,930 It's not because it's Epstein. 449 00:26:41,935 --> 00:26:44,270 I know that makes me sound anti-Semitic. 450 00:26:44,312 --> 00:26:46,147 If only I were anti-Semitic, you know, then 451 00:26:46,189 --> 00:26:47,691 I'd fill stadiums in America. 452 00:26:47,732 --> 00:26:50,276 But I'm not. 453 00:26:50,318 --> 00:26:53,029 I didn't take my husband's last name. 454 00:26:53,071 --> 00:26:55,198 But when we found out that we were pregnant-- 455 00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:56,408 I know, that's so cheesy. 456 00:26:56,449 --> 00:26:58,284 When we found out we were pregnant-- 457 00:26:58,326 --> 00:27:00,120 when we found out he was pregnant-- 458 00:27:00,161 --> 00:27:02,372 [laughter] 459 00:27:03,873 --> 00:27:05,458 When we found out he was pregnant, 460 00:27:05,500 --> 00:27:07,794 we decided to give the fetus a pet name 461 00:27:07,836 --> 00:27:09,462 before we even knew the sex. 462 00:27:09,504 --> 00:27:15,260 And naturally, that pet name was Jeffrey Epstein. 463 00:27:15,301 --> 00:27:17,303 I have a pregnancy app every week. 464 00:27:17,345 --> 00:27:18,972 They give me an update. 465 00:27:19,014 --> 00:27:21,850 They're like, Jeffrey Epstein's the size of a kumquat. 466 00:27:21,891 --> 00:27:24,728 We decided to name the fetus "Jeffrey Epstein," because I 467 00:27:24,769 --> 00:27:28,314 am 39, high-risk pregnancy. 468 00:27:28,356 --> 00:27:30,900 If anything happened, we could always just say, 469 00:27:30,942 --> 00:27:33,695 maybe Jeffrey Epstein killed himself. 470 00:27:43,079 --> 00:27:45,415 And for the record, I don't think the real Jeffrey Epstein 471 00:27:45,457 --> 00:27:47,167 killed himself. 472 00:27:47,208 --> 00:27:51,129 I think he had help, and I just wish whoever strangled him 473 00:27:51,171 --> 00:27:58,303 to death had made him go down on a woman his own age beforehand. 474 00:27:58,345 --> 00:28:03,516 Because that at least would have been torture. 475 00:28:03,558 --> 00:28:06,728 It's like the pedophile equivalent of waterboarding. 476 00:28:12,067 --> 00:28:14,861 You know, if they had just gotten 477 00:28:14,903 --> 00:28:17,072 JK Rowling to sit on his face. 478 00:28:17,113 --> 00:28:18,114 Do you know what I mean? 479 00:28:22,243 --> 00:28:23,078 Thank you. 480 00:28:23,119 --> 00:28:24,120 Thank you. 481 00:28:24,162 --> 00:28:25,163 That would have been justice! 482 00:28:28,917 --> 00:28:31,920 JK Rowling is actually not Epstein's age. 483 00:28:31,961 --> 00:28:33,296 She's a decade younger. 484 00:28:33,338 --> 00:28:38,802 She just looks old, because she's transphobic. 485 00:28:38,843 --> 00:28:40,804 Yeah. 486 00:28:40,845 --> 00:28:44,265 And when you hate people for no reason, it gives you wrinkles. 487 00:28:47,060 --> 00:28:50,146 And in the rare occasion-- six Netflix specials. 488 00:28:56,444 --> 00:28:57,529 What is that about? 489 00:28:57,570 --> 00:28:58,988 Maybe we know. 490 00:28:59,030 --> 00:29:00,573 Maybe it's very clear what that's about. 491 00:29:00,615 --> 00:29:05,120 I don't understand certain male comics and their transphobia. 492 00:29:05,161 --> 00:29:07,997 There is one group that I irrationally dislike, 493 00:29:08,039 --> 00:29:11,418 but unlike male comics who are transphobic, 494 00:29:11,459 --> 00:29:14,212 I don't secretly want to fuck male magicians. 495 00:29:20,093 --> 00:29:21,428 I don't like male magicians. 496 00:29:21,469 --> 00:29:26,099 They're like incels who can't fix your laptop. 497 00:29:26,141 --> 00:29:28,476 There is one male magician I admire, 498 00:29:28,518 --> 00:29:30,228 and that is David Copperfield. 499 00:29:30,270 --> 00:29:34,482 Because it takes a lot of talent to make sexual assault 500 00:29:34,524 --> 00:29:38,111 allegations disappear. 501 00:29:38,153 --> 00:29:41,364 A lot of people don't know that David Copperfield allegedly 502 00:29:41,406 --> 00:29:47,370 drugged and sexually assaulted an underage model in 1988. 503 00:29:47,412 --> 00:29:48,288 Or did he? 504 00:29:48,329 --> 00:29:49,164 Poof. 505 00:29:55,628 --> 00:29:57,630 I don't-- I don't get transphobia. 506 00:29:57,672 --> 00:30:00,342 I do-- I don't get transphobic policies. 507 00:30:00,383 --> 00:30:06,473 I do agree with GOP bathroom bills, though. 508 00:30:06,514 --> 00:30:09,225 Hear me out. 509 00:30:09,267 --> 00:30:13,521 I think we should have separate bathrooms for Republicans. 510 00:30:16,441 --> 00:30:18,026 It's a safety issue. 511 00:30:18,068 --> 00:30:20,945 I don't mean to sound parochial, but it comes down 512 00:30:20,987 --> 00:30:22,989 to personal safety. 513 00:30:23,031 --> 00:30:26,659 I don't feel physically safe in 2022, 514 00:30:26,701 --> 00:30:30,497 peeing next to women who still support that party. 515 00:30:30,538 --> 00:30:31,539 Just imagine. 516 00:30:31,581 --> 00:30:33,166 You're in the bathroom. 517 00:30:33,208 --> 00:30:35,001 You're vulnerable. 518 00:30:35,043 --> 00:30:40,298 You're naked, because you have a tendency to wear onesies. 519 00:30:48,056 --> 00:30:49,140 You're vulnerable. 520 00:30:49,182 --> 00:30:51,101 You're fully naked. 521 00:30:51,142 --> 00:30:56,940 You're peeing next to Susan Collins. 522 00:30:56,981 --> 00:30:59,275 Why do we even know who that is? 523 00:30:59,317 --> 00:31:02,153 And then, let's say, hypothetically, 524 00:31:02,195 --> 00:31:04,698 a sexual predator walks into the bathroom. 525 00:31:04,739 --> 00:31:06,116 What is she going to do? 526 00:31:06,157 --> 00:31:07,450 Put him on the Supreme Court? 527 00:31:11,037 --> 00:31:11,705 Ah! 528 00:31:11,746 --> 00:31:12,664 Ah! 529 00:31:12,706 --> 00:31:15,583 Scary to think about. 530 00:31:15,625 --> 00:31:19,587 It feels like the bad guys are winning, because they are. 531 00:31:19,629 --> 00:31:22,090 I can't even watch the news anymore. 532 00:31:22,132 --> 00:31:26,636 I've started watching sports instead, just 533 00:31:26,678 --> 00:31:33,226 to remind myself that powerful men can lose. 534 00:31:33,268 --> 00:31:37,564 I never used to watch football prior to, like, 2020. 535 00:31:37,605 --> 00:31:40,567 I never watched football-- so barbaric, 536 00:31:40,608 --> 00:31:42,444 the whole premise of the sport. 537 00:31:42,485 --> 00:31:45,113 Someone hands you a ball, and then a bunch of rapists 538 00:31:45,155 --> 00:31:46,239 chase you! 539 00:31:46,281 --> 00:31:48,992 Ah! 540 00:31:49,034 --> 00:31:53,455 But now, football's my guilty pleasure. 541 00:31:53,496 --> 00:31:56,708 I love watching football. 542 00:31:56,750 --> 00:32:01,129 100% of the time, when you watch football, 1/2 of those men 543 00:32:01,171 --> 00:32:02,005 will lose. 544 00:32:05,300 --> 00:32:07,427 It's more than a game to me. 545 00:32:07,469 --> 00:32:11,556 It's about watching Tom Brady lose. 546 00:32:11,598 --> 00:32:12,557 Thank you, it's just-- 547 00:32:12,599 --> 00:32:15,226 you know, it's-- 548 00:32:15,268 --> 00:32:20,440 I feel bad for so many Americans who are so angry, 549 00:32:20,482 --> 00:32:24,652 and they've been conned into voting against their own 550 00:32:24,694 --> 00:32:26,196 self interests. 551 00:32:26,237 --> 00:32:29,449 And I just feel bad for so many Americans who've 552 00:32:29,491 --> 00:32:32,452 been sucked down conspiracy theory rabbit 553 00:32:32,494 --> 00:32:34,371 holes, like QAnon. 554 00:32:34,412 --> 00:32:37,457 And I can't even make fun of QAnon, 555 00:32:37,499 --> 00:32:41,419 because it's not even the craziest conspiracy. 556 00:32:41,461 --> 00:32:48,134 Like, JFK, Jr. still being alive is 557 00:32:48,176 --> 00:32:51,513 way more credible than a pregnant virgin. 558 00:32:55,725 --> 00:32:58,645 Look, we made it through a whole MeToo movement. 559 00:32:58,687 --> 00:33:00,063 It's over now. We know that. 560 00:33:00,105 --> 00:33:01,106 But we made it through. 561 00:33:01,147 --> 00:33:03,316 [laughs] We tried. 562 00:33:03,358 --> 00:33:09,280 But we made it through a whole MeToo movement, 563 00:33:09,322 --> 00:33:11,199 and no one called that shit out. 564 00:33:11,241 --> 00:33:15,704 Mary had Jesus when she was, what, 12? 565 00:33:15,745 --> 00:33:19,249 And people will argue, hey, they didn't live that 566 00:33:19,290 --> 00:33:21,334 long back in biblical times. 567 00:33:21,376 --> 00:33:23,128 All right, pedophile apologist. 568 00:33:23,169 --> 00:33:29,634 Abraham lived till 175. 569 00:33:29,676 --> 00:33:32,595 I'm not saying god is a pedophile, because that 570 00:33:32,637 --> 00:33:34,389 would imply that god exists. 571 00:33:39,144 --> 00:33:41,438 But whoever wrote the New Testament-- 572 00:33:41,479 --> 00:33:44,357 probably a woman, because we don't know her name. 573 00:33:48,194 --> 00:33:51,489 She didn't need to take credit for it. 574 00:33:51,531 --> 00:33:54,284 Whoever wrote the New Testament may 575 00:33:54,325 --> 00:33:57,370 be cool with kids getting impregnated. 576 00:33:57,412 --> 00:34:00,540 My point is, next Christmas, when you're opening 577 00:34:00,582 --> 00:34:03,543 your presents, unpack that. 578 00:34:09,382 --> 00:34:11,426 Are there any Republicans here? 579 00:34:11,468 --> 00:34:14,763 On that note, are there any Republicans here? 580 00:34:14,804 --> 00:34:15,847 By a show of heils. 581 00:34:19,476 --> 00:34:20,643 It's OK. 582 00:34:20,685 --> 00:34:22,354 I always have Republicans in my shows. 583 00:34:22,395 --> 00:34:23,730 I'm a blond white lady. 584 00:34:23,772 --> 00:34:25,482 They just stumble in thinking I'm someone else. 585 00:34:30,236 --> 00:34:32,822 If you're here, thank you for being here. 586 00:34:32,864 --> 00:34:37,577 We are still a democracy-- if you don't vote in the midterms. 587 00:34:37,619 --> 00:34:39,829 Thank you for not wooing. 588 00:34:39,871 --> 00:34:43,667 It's comforting to me that you feel shame. 589 00:34:50,507 --> 00:34:54,552 I never thought I would be nostalgic for an era 590 00:34:54,594 --> 00:35:00,767 in American history when white supremacists hid their faces. 591 00:35:00,809 --> 00:35:02,894 But here we are. 592 00:35:02,936 --> 00:35:05,730 So if you're here, thank you for being here. 593 00:35:05,772 --> 00:35:07,315 Come see me after. 594 00:35:07,357 --> 00:35:09,609 I'll buy you a drink. 595 00:35:09,651 --> 00:35:11,820 And if you're driving, I'll buy you seven. 596 00:35:14,989 --> 00:35:16,449 Because that's who you are. 597 00:35:16,491 --> 00:35:20,787 You are the drunk driver in American democracy. 598 00:35:20,829 --> 00:35:22,872 You might walk away from the accident, 599 00:35:22,914 --> 00:35:26,835 but so many of us won't. 600 00:35:26,876 --> 00:35:29,587 And I don't want to make fun of them, because it's not working. 601 00:35:32,257 --> 00:35:33,258 It doesn't help. 602 00:35:33,299 --> 00:35:34,718 We've learned it doesn't help. 603 00:35:34,759 --> 00:35:36,302 I don't want to make fun of them. 604 00:35:36,344 --> 00:35:39,305 I just want to walk them off the ledge of fascism. 605 00:35:39,347 --> 00:35:40,598 Come back. 606 00:35:40,640 --> 00:35:42,308 Come back, guys. 607 00:35:42,350 --> 00:35:47,564 I want them to remember that there was a time when we all 608 00:35:47,605 --> 00:35:51,484 lived in a United States of America that definitely 609 00:35:51,526 --> 00:35:52,652 fucked up-- 610 00:35:52,694 --> 00:35:54,237 United States of America. 611 00:35:54,279 --> 00:35:56,239 That was definitely a work in progress. 612 00:35:56,281 --> 00:35:59,993 That still is definitely a work in progress. 613 00:36:00,035 --> 00:36:04,706 But we got a lot done for the benefit of so many. 614 00:36:04,748 --> 00:36:09,544 The polio vaccine was an American invention 615 00:36:09,586 --> 00:36:10,795 that people took. 616 00:36:14,883 --> 00:36:18,678 We got a guy on the moon. 617 00:36:18,720 --> 00:36:19,679 Or did we? 618 00:36:23,975 --> 00:36:28,021 Rules and regulations that made all of us safer-- 619 00:36:28,063 --> 00:36:32,817 seatbelts, safety latches in trunks of cars-- 620 00:36:32,859 --> 00:36:34,486 stuff we don't even think about. 621 00:36:34,527 --> 00:36:37,364 But there was a time when every car in America 622 00:36:37,405 --> 00:36:38,990 didn't have a safety latch. 623 00:36:39,032 --> 00:36:42,994 And then, one day, a woman by the name of Janette Fennell-- 624 00:36:43,036 --> 00:36:43,870 nobody cares. 625 00:36:43,912 --> 00:36:45,997 She's not a Kardashian. 626 00:36:46,039 --> 00:36:50,919 Janette, 1995, San Francisco-- 627 00:36:50,960 --> 00:36:54,047 Janette and her husband are held up at gunpoint. 628 00:36:54,089 --> 00:36:56,883 My friends in the UK have the cutest term for it-- 629 00:36:56,925 --> 00:36:58,551 I think it's called, like, knifepoint. 630 00:36:58,593 --> 00:37:00,762 Whatever. 631 00:37:00,804 --> 00:37:03,431 They were shoved into the trunk of their car, 632 00:37:03,473 --> 00:37:07,727 robbed, driven to a remote location, left for dead. 633 00:37:07,769 --> 00:37:09,312 Janette thinks they're going to die. 634 00:37:09,354 --> 00:37:10,814 She's scrounging around the trunk. 635 00:37:10,855 --> 00:37:13,400 She finds a safety latch, miraculously. 636 00:37:13,441 --> 00:37:17,320 She lifts it, the trunk pops open, and they escape. 637 00:37:17,362 --> 00:37:20,615 And after she escaped, she thought 638 00:37:20,657 --> 00:37:23,618 every single car made in America needs 639 00:37:23,660 --> 00:37:25,412 to have a safety latch in the trunk, 640 00:37:25,453 --> 00:37:29,416 so that this never happens to anyone ever again. 641 00:37:29,457 --> 00:37:32,669 So she lobbied the Democrats and the Republicans, 642 00:37:32,711 --> 00:37:35,630 and they listened to her. 643 00:37:35,672 --> 00:37:38,675 Because she wasn't alone in that trunk. 644 00:37:38,717 --> 00:37:39,926 There was a man with her. 645 00:37:47,142 --> 00:37:48,768 Yeah. 646 00:37:48,810 --> 00:37:52,480 And he almost died, too. 647 00:37:52,522 --> 00:37:55,108 I just got chills. 648 00:37:55,150 --> 00:37:56,526 Just thinking about men dying-- 649 00:37:56,568 --> 00:37:58,028 I got chills. 650 00:37:58,069 --> 00:37:58,862 You can see them. 651 00:37:58,903 --> 00:38:00,363 I got chills. 652 00:38:00,405 --> 00:38:01,489 Don't you see them? 653 00:38:01,531 --> 00:38:03,783 I have a man to corroborate it. 654 00:38:03,825 --> 00:38:06,911 He says-- he said I got chills, so believe him. 655 00:38:06,953 --> 00:38:07,787 I got chills. 656 00:38:10,999 --> 00:38:13,793 If Janette, that dirty little skank, 657 00:38:13,835 --> 00:38:20,133 had been alone in the trunk of some guy's car, 658 00:38:20,175 --> 00:38:23,762 people would have been like, what was she wearing? 659 00:38:23,803 --> 00:38:26,014 Bitch was asking for it. 660 00:38:26,056 --> 00:38:30,977 But because her husband was with her and could vouch for her, 661 00:38:31,019 --> 00:38:32,687 people believed her. 662 00:38:32,729 --> 00:38:35,940 It became a public health crisis. 663 00:38:35,982 --> 00:38:39,027 The Democrats and the Republicans worked together, 664 00:38:39,069 --> 00:38:42,072 and they were like, we got to stop men from getting 665 00:38:42,113 --> 00:38:43,865 trapped in trunks of cars. 666 00:38:48,078 --> 00:38:52,832 So they put pressure on the very powerful automotive industry, 667 00:38:52,874 --> 00:38:54,167 and it worked. 668 00:38:54,209 --> 00:38:58,046 And as of 2002, every car made in America 669 00:38:58,088 --> 00:39:02,717 has a safety latch in the trunk, all thanks to-- 670 00:39:02,759 --> 00:39:05,762 [speaking gibberish] 671 00:39:07,722 --> 00:39:09,557 What's her last name? 672 00:39:09,599 --> 00:39:12,018 No? 673 00:39:12,060 --> 00:39:15,063 [speaking gibberish] TRL. 674 00:39:15,105 --> 00:39:16,398 You're too young for that. 675 00:39:19,734 --> 00:39:20,819 I think about Janelle-- 676 00:39:20,860 --> 00:39:22,696 who gives a fuck-- 677 00:39:22,737 --> 00:39:25,699 and her crowning achievement and bipartisan legislative victory. 678 00:39:25,740 --> 00:39:28,910 Because that would never happen in 2022. 679 00:39:28,952 --> 00:39:31,705 If Janette tried to get safety latches in trunks of cars 680 00:39:31,746 --> 00:39:36,710 today, people would be, like, so upset about it. 681 00:39:36,751 --> 00:39:39,713 We're so politicized and so polarized right now. 682 00:39:39,754 --> 00:39:41,756 People would be on Facebook, being like, blech, 683 00:39:41,798 --> 00:39:45,927 I don't want the government to tell me who I can and who I 684 00:39:45,969 --> 00:39:50,515 cannot trap in the trunk of my car. 685 00:39:50,557 --> 00:39:51,224 [coughs] 686 00:39:51,266 --> 00:39:52,517 He definitely has COVID. 687 00:39:55,186 --> 00:39:57,897 You'd have people protesting outside of car dealerships, 688 00:39:57,939 --> 00:39:58,940 being like-- 689 00:39:58,982 --> 00:40:02,027 [grunts] my auto body, my choice! 690 00:40:10,201 --> 00:40:14,581 [sighs] The future feels bleak. 691 00:40:14,622 --> 00:40:16,791 Remember, ladies, aw. 692 00:40:19,669 --> 00:40:20,754 Wombs-- sorry, wombs. 693 00:40:24,132 --> 00:40:27,844 Remember when we thought the future was female? 694 00:40:32,891 --> 00:40:36,269 Remember when we thought the future was female? 695 00:40:36,311 --> 00:40:38,688 Ha, ha, ha. 696 00:40:38,730 --> 00:40:40,732 I still have my T-shirt. 697 00:40:40,774 --> 00:40:44,069 I used it the other day to clean up vomit. 698 00:40:44,110 --> 00:40:45,862 I don't think the future is female. 699 00:40:45,904 --> 00:40:49,282 I don't think we're going to see a female president in America 700 00:40:49,324 --> 00:40:52,160 in our lifetime. 701 00:40:52,202 --> 00:40:52,994 We could. 702 00:40:53,036 --> 00:40:54,954 There is one way-- 703 00:40:54,996 --> 00:40:58,166 if we all give Biden a second term. 704 00:41:04,089 --> 00:41:07,300 And then, we wait three years. 705 00:41:07,342 --> 00:41:09,636 It's just how time works. 706 00:41:09,678 --> 00:41:12,138 Or, if that doesn't happen, we could always 707 00:41:12,180 --> 00:41:14,849 weekend at Bernie's won't end. 708 00:41:14,891 --> 00:41:17,686 Yes, get a corpse of a woman. 709 00:41:17,727 --> 00:41:21,147 Just prop her up, give the American people what they want, 710 00:41:21,189 --> 00:41:22,065 you know? 711 00:41:22,107 --> 00:41:23,233 America's got a type. 712 00:41:23,274 --> 00:41:25,694 It's dead, blonde, white women. 713 00:41:29,155 --> 00:41:32,826 We have an epidemic of femicide in our country. 714 00:41:32,867 --> 00:41:35,995 Our government doesn't keep track of the number 715 00:41:36,037 --> 00:41:37,872 of women murdered by men. 716 00:41:37,914 --> 00:41:40,000 But one woman started to. 717 00:41:40,041 --> 00:41:42,168 Her name is Dawn Wilcox. 718 00:41:42,210 --> 00:41:46,798 And in 2018, she found out that every single day 719 00:41:46,840 --> 00:41:51,636 in America, about 4 and 1/2 women are murdered by men. 720 00:41:56,016 --> 00:41:59,853 And I'm sure the other 1/2 isn't doing too well either. 721 00:41:59,894 --> 00:42:01,187 That's the worst joke in the show. 722 00:42:01,229 --> 00:42:03,773 That's the hardest. 723 00:42:03,815 --> 00:42:05,108 Worst joke in the show. 724 00:42:05,150 --> 00:42:06,693 Thank you for laughing at that, you psychos. 725 00:42:06,735 --> 00:42:08,236 Thank you. 726 00:42:08,278 --> 00:42:09,863 I just can't think of women being murdered in fractions, 727 00:42:09,904 --> 00:42:11,364 you know, because then, I just picture, 728 00:42:11,406 --> 00:42:12,699 like, a torso on the beach. 729 00:42:12,741 --> 00:42:14,200 4 and 1/2? 730 00:42:14,242 --> 00:42:16,036 What about the other 1/2? 731 00:42:16,077 --> 00:42:18,163 She's not doing great. 732 00:42:18,204 --> 00:42:19,789 What is the other 1/2? 733 00:42:19,831 --> 00:42:21,374 Did she survive her attacker, but then he's, like, 734 00:42:21,416 --> 00:42:23,710 dead inside, and just a shell of herself with life drained out 735 00:42:23,752 --> 00:42:26,004 of her eyes, trying to get it together every single day, 736 00:42:26,046 --> 00:42:26,880 but you can't? 737 00:42:26,921 --> 00:42:28,715 What's the other 1/2? 738 00:42:28,757 --> 00:42:31,009 Is it like a woman who walked out of a botched magic trick? 739 00:42:31,051 --> 00:42:33,136 What's the other 1/2? 740 00:42:33,178 --> 00:42:34,054 What's the other 1/2? 741 00:42:34,095 --> 00:42:35,638 Is it a pregnant person? 742 00:42:35,680 --> 00:42:36,848 Is it a pregnant person? 743 00:42:36,890 --> 00:42:39,642 Apparently, one of the leading causes 744 00:42:39,684 --> 00:42:43,938 of death for pregnant people in America is homicide. 745 00:42:43,980 --> 00:42:45,732 I just found that out. 746 00:42:45,774 --> 00:42:47,901 It's because their partners kill them. 747 00:42:47,942 --> 00:42:49,819 It's the male version of abortion. 748 00:42:53,031 --> 00:42:55,325 You might not want this or be able to get it, 749 00:42:55,367 --> 00:42:59,079 but no one's stopping me. 750 00:42:59,120 --> 00:43:03,917 A couple of years ago, a woman got murdered. 751 00:43:03,958 --> 00:43:08,088 She was getting into a car that she thought was her Uber. 752 00:43:08,129 --> 00:43:09,756 And it wasn't. 753 00:43:09,798 --> 00:43:12,967 It was just some random guy's car, and he killed her. 754 00:43:13,009 --> 00:43:18,306 And to this day, they don't have the motive. 755 00:43:18,348 --> 00:43:21,101 And I think about that all the time. 756 00:43:21,142 --> 00:43:23,937 And it makes me wonder, like, what percentage of men 757 00:43:23,978 --> 00:43:27,065 would murder a woman if you thought 758 00:43:27,107 --> 00:43:28,942 you could get away with it? 759 00:43:28,983 --> 00:43:33,905 If she just accidentally wandered into your car? 760 00:43:33,947 --> 00:43:37,784 I can't answer that, but maybe the men in here-- 761 00:43:40,328 --> 00:43:43,123 maybe you can. 762 00:43:43,164 --> 00:43:45,291 And if you're thinking, none of my friends 763 00:43:45,333 --> 00:43:49,713 would murder women, maybe that murderer is you. 764 00:43:53,758 --> 00:43:54,759 We have to laugh. 765 00:43:54,801 --> 00:43:56,803 Otherwise, we would just cry. 766 00:43:56,845 --> 00:43:59,472 There's a lot to cry about, but-- 767 00:43:59,514 --> 00:44:03,977 And I just want you all to know, for the record, I love men. 768 00:44:04,019 --> 00:44:05,395 I love men. 769 00:44:05,437 --> 00:44:07,856 One of my best friends is a man. 770 00:44:14,029 --> 00:44:14,988 I love men. 771 00:44:15,030 --> 00:44:16,823 I'm half-man on my dad's side. 772 00:44:19,242 --> 00:44:20,285 Just got it checked. 773 00:44:23,872 --> 00:44:26,916 I love men, and I think it's harder 774 00:44:26,958 --> 00:44:37,260 to be a man in America in 2022 than it is to be a woman. 775 00:44:37,302 --> 00:44:40,263 And I'm not just saying that to get on Joe Rogan's podcast. 776 00:44:43,224 --> 00:44:44,976 Hear me out. 777 00:44:45,018 --> 00:44:50,065 I think it's harder to be a man in America in 2022 778 00:44:50,106 --> 00:44:53,318 than it is to be a woman, and here's why. 779 00:44:53,360 --> 00:44:58,239 Because you guys are so good at killing us. 780 00:44:58,281 --> 00:45:03,870 And yet, we still live longer. 781 00:45:03,912 --> 00:45:06,498 What the fuck, you guys? 782 00:45:06,539 --> 00:45:08,375 How did that happen? 783 00:45:08,416 --> 00:45:11,002 You can't even do the one thing you're good at! 784 00:45:14,255 --> 00:45:19,010 But it's not your fault. Men, it's not your fault. Feel 785 00:45:19,052 --> 00:45:22,389 like you don't believe me, so I want a Good 786 00:45:22,430 --> 00:45:24,891 Will Hunting this moment. 787 00:45:24,933 --> 00:45:27,060 And I want all the men in here-- 788 00:45:27,102 --> 00:45:28,395 just the men. 789 00:45:28,436 --> 00:45:29,896 I see you guys, and you're not looking at me, 790 00:45:29,938 --> 00:45:31,481 but you're included. 791 00:45:31,523 --> 00:45:35,235 I want all the men in here, on the count of three, to say, 792 00:45:35,276 --> 00:45:38,238 it's not my fault. 793 00:45:38,279 --> 00:45:41,199 Up here, too. 794 00:45:41,241 --> 00:45:42,826 Camera operators, you, too. 795 00:45:47,122 --> 00:45:50,333 I want all the men in here to say, it's not my fault. OK? 796 00:45:50,375 --> 00:45:52,377 On the count of three. 797 00:45:52,419 --> 00:45:56,840 One, two, three-- 798 00:45:56,881 --> 00:45:59,843 [laughter] 799 00:46:02,846 --> 00:46:06,516 [mumbling] Come on. 800 00:46:06,558 --> 00:46:09,352 Come on. 801 00:46:09,394 --> 00:46:13,314 That one lacked a little confidence. 802 00:46:13,356 --> 00:46:18,111 And men, I know how much you struggle with confidence. 803 00:46:18,153 --> 00:46:21,448 So I want you to try it again. 804 00:46:21,489 --> 00:46:24,117 And I want you to really own it this time. 805 00:46:24,159 --> 00:46:25,910 OK? 806 00:46:25,952 --> 00:46:27,454 Like you own everything else. 807 00:46:27,495 --> 00:46:32,000 On the count of three, just the men-- on the count of three, 808 00:46:32,042 --> 00:46:37,964 it's not my fault. One, two, three. 809 00:46:38,006 --> 00:46:39,632 - It's not our fault! 810 00:46:39,674 --> 00:46:42,093 - One more time! 811 00:46:42,135 --> 00:46:45,138 Be in tune with everyone else, OK? 812 00:46:45,180 --> 00:46:47,223 In general, I would appreciate the support, 813 00:46:47,265 --> 00:46:48,975 but I want us all to-- 814 00:46:49,017 --> 00:46:50,977 I want it to sound good for the taping. 815 00:46:51,019 --> 00:46:52,312 OK. 816 00:46:52,354 --> 00:46:53,605 So thank you, thank you for your support. 817 00:46:53,646 --> 00:46:56,149 But just either-- you can be quiet, actually. 818 00:46:56,191 --> 00:47:01,905 Well, I don't-- we get the memo, and I appreciate you, 819 00:47:01,946 --> 00:47:03,448 but we are doing a taping. 820 00:47:03,490 --> 00:47:04,324 We want to sound-- 821 00:47:04,366 --> 00:47:05,533 But it's OK. 822 00:47:05,575 --> 00:47:07,285 Some people don't have that-- 823 00:47:07,327 --> 00:47:09,621 we all have-- anyway, all right. 824 00:47:09,662 --> 00:47:14,501 So one more time, except for you-- one more time. 825 00:47:14,542 --> 00:47:16,503 I want all the men in here-- no help, ladies. 826 00:47:16,544 --> 00:47:18,129 Just the men. 827 00:47:18,171 --> 00:47:20,674 On the count of three, say, it's not my fault, OK? 828 00:47:20,715 --> 00:47:22,509 One, two, three! 829 00:47:22,550 --> 00:47:24,928 - It's not my fault! 830 00:47:24,969 --> 00:47:26,346 - It's not your fault! 831 00:47:26,388 --> 00:47:28,556 Whose fault is it! 832 00:47:28,598 --> 00:47:29,683 Mom's! 833 00:47:29,724 --> 00:47:32,060 [laughter] 834 00:47:36,106 --> 00:47:44,948 It's your mom's fault. It's your mom's fault. 835 00:47:44,989 --> 00:47:50,161 It's Mommy's fault. It's Mommy. 836 00:47:50,203 --> 00:47:52,372 Mommy. 837 00:47:52,414 --> 00:47:54,374 Mommy did this to you. 838 00:47:54,416 --> 00:47:56,167 It's your mommy's fault. 839 00:47:56,209 --> 00:48:00,505 It's Mom's fault, because Mommy tried 840 00:48:00,547 --> 00:48:04,509 to raise you to be a man in a world 841 00:48:04,551 --> 00:48:06,678 that she thought she knew. 842 00:48:06,720 --> 00:48:10,265 And now, that world is changing, and you 843 00:48:10,306 --> 00:48:12,559 don't know your place in it. 844 00:48:12,600 --> 00:48:14,394 So it's Mom's fault. 845 00:48:14,436 --> 00:48:16,730 Who else's fault is it? 846 00:48:16,771 --> 00:48:19,357 Mine. 847 00:48:19,399 --> 00:48:21,359 I don't know why, but I read the comments. 848 00:48:24,529 --> 00:48:31,036 I don't know how to make you guys less angry and 849 00:48:31,077 --> 00:48:33,038 less destructive. 850 00:48:33,079 --> 00:48:34,748 But I think we got to figure something out, 851 00:48:34,789 --> 00:48:37,375 because we're running out of time. 852 00:48:37,417 --> 00:48:40,003 And I think one thing that might help 853 00:48:40,045 --> 00:48:43,631 is if you were a little more in touch with your emotions 854 00:48:43,673 --> 00:48:47,344 before they sprayed out of you in bullets, 855 00:48:47,385 --> 00:48:50,180 or gave you a heart attack. 856 00:48:50,221 --> 00:48:51,598 And I think something that could help 857 00:48:51,639 --> 00:48:57,604 with that is if you cried a little bit more, 858 00:48:57,645 --> 00:49:03,068 like tonight, after this show. 859 00:49:03,109 --> 00:49:07,364 If the men in here go home, draw a warm bath, 860 00:49:07,405 --> 00:49:11,034 throw on some Pantera-- 861 00:49:11,076 --> 00:49:13,370 I don't know what you listen to. 862 00:49:13,411 --> 00:49:14,454 Put on Rudy. 863 00:49:14,496 --> 00:49:16,456 I don't know. 864 00:49:16,498 --> 00:49:18,249 Scarface? 865 00:49:18,291 --> 00:49:19,459 In Bruges? 866 00:49:19,501 --> 00:49:22,170 I don't know what makes you guys cry. 867 00:49:25,423 --> 00:49:28,468 And rub one out-- 868 00:49:28,510 --> 00:49:29,344 of your face. 869 00:49:32,514 --> 00:49:35,517 Jerk off your eyes. 870 00:49:41,856 --> 00:49:46,569 Jizz out some tears. 871 00:49:50,323 --> 00:49:54,661 Ejaculate your emotions. 872 00:49:54,703 --> 00:49:59,666 Because you are killing us. 873 00:49:59,708 --> 00:50:03,420 And you are killing each other. 874 00:50:03,461 --> 00:50:11,261 And it would be really cool if you could take it down a notch. 875 00:50:14,723 --> 00:50:16,099 Just kidding. 876 00:50:16,141 --> 00:50:16,766 Pussies. 877 00:50:19,477 --> 00:50:22,397 These are just jokes, you fucking pussies. 878 00:50:22,439 --> 00:50:24,232 These are just jokes, you fucking pussies! 879 00:50:29,320 --> 00:50:35,118 It's hard to talk about violence in America, 880 00:50:35,160 --> 00:50:37,662 because it's everywhere right now. 881 00:50:37,704 --> 00:50:40,874 We're all so traumatized and terrorized. 882 00:50:40,915 --> 00:50:44,252 I can't believe any of you made it out of the house. 883 00:50:44,294 --> 00:50:48,715 There is one type of violence that nobody talks about. 884 00:50:48,757 --> 00:50:52,594 But it's connected to every other type of violence, 885 00:50:52,635 --> 00:50:54,846 and that is domestic violence. 886 00:50:54,888 --> 00:50:57,766 I think the PC term now is intimate partner violence, 887 00:50:57,807 --> 00:51:01,186 because a lot of millennials don't own homes. 888 00:51:05,774 --> 00:51:07,734 We have to talk about domestic violence. 889 00:51:07,776 --> 00:51:10,403 And we have to figure out a way to tackle 890 00:51:10,445 --> 00:51:13,740 domestic violence-- maybe not the right word choice. 891 00:51:13,782 --> 00:51:18,411 Choke the shit out of domestic violence. 892 00:51:18,453 --> 00:51:20,497 But how do we do that if the first responders 893 00:51:20,538 --> 00:51:24,376 to domestic violent incidents can't even recognize them? 894 00:51:24,417 --> 00:51:27,837 I think of the recent murder of Gabby Pepito. 895 00:51:27,879 --> 00:51:30,757 If you don't know about Gabby's story, 896 00:51:30,799 --> 00:51:35,178 she was a beautiful blonde, white woman whose smile 897 00:51:35,220 --> 00:51:36,513 could light up the room. 898 00:51:36,554 --> 00:51:37,806 They say that about all the dead white girls. 899 00:51:37,847 --> 00:51:39,557 It makes me not want to go to the dentist. 900 00:51:42,560 --> 00:51:44,771 Gabby's murder played out on social media. 901 00:51:44,813 --> 00:51:47,732 And the whole country watched it, 902 00:51:47,774 --> 00:51:51,695 and it brought up all these issues like our obsession 903 00:51:51,736 --> 00:51:54,406 with white women who go missing and who 904 00:51:54,447 --> 00:51:57,325 are murdered-- missing white woman syndrome-- as opposed 905 00:51:57,367 --> 00:52:01,621 to women who are not white, women who are Indigenous, 906 00:52:01,663 --> 00:52:04,541 trans women, who go missing and who are 907 00:52:04,582 --> 00:52:06,918 murdered at far higher rates. 908 00:52:06,960 --> 00:52:08,878 But it also brought up a lot of other issues. 909 00:52:08,920 --> 00:52:10,547 And if you don't know what happened, 910 00:52:10,588 --> 00:52:14,384 so Gabby disappeared in a very scenic part of Utah, 911 00:52:14,426 --> 00:52:15,593 called Moab. 912 00:52:15,635 --> 00:52:16,803 I wish that wasn't my first takeaway, 913 00:52:16,845 --> 00:52:18,346 but it's, like, now on my bucket list. 914 00:52:18,388 --> 00:52:19,764 It's so picturesque. 915 00:52:19,806 --> 00:52:20,598 Ugh! 916 00:52:20,640 --> 00:52:21,975 It's beautiful. 917 00:52:22,017 --> 00:52:23,977 I was like, I didn't know Moab was so beautiful. 918 00:52:24,019 --> 00:52:27,647 Anyway, immediately, the suspect is her-- 919 00:52:27,689 --> 00:52:29,816 I don't want to call him her fiance, Brian Laundrie. 920 00:52:29,858 --> 00:52:31,484 I don't want to call him her fiance, 921 00:52:31,526 --> 00:52:33,611 because I don't know where their relationship was at. 922 00:52:33,653 --> 00:52:35,989 But there should be a word for the guy who most likely kills 923 00:52:36,031 --> 00:52:38,408 the woman, because it happens so often in our country. 924 00:52:38,450 --> 00:52:39,826 And that word should also be French. 925 00:52:39,868 --> 00:52:43,371 Let's call it "killere," whatever. 926 00:52:43,413 --> 00:52:47,584 So the one that got away-- that guy-- 927 00:52:47,625 --> 00:52:54,007 he's the suspect, and he kills her, we find out later. 928 00:52:54,049 --> 00:52:58,511 And before he killed her, there was an incident 929 00:52:58,553 --> 00:53:01,514 on the side of the road where law enforcement could have 930 00:53:01,556 --> 00:53:03,725 intervened and saved her, but they 931 00:53:03,767 --> 00:53:07,354 didn't do a good-enough job at recognizing 932 00:53:07,395 --> 00:53:09,356 that she was in distress, that she was 933 00:53:09,397 --> 00:53:10,857 a victim of domestic violence. 934 00:53:10,899 --> 00:53:12,400 So the question becomes, how do we 935 00:53:12,442 --> 00:53:14,277 train law enforcement to recognize 936 00:53:14,319 --> 00:53:15,737 signs of domestic violence? 937 00:53:15,779 --> 00:53:18,031 Do you say, hey, officer, if you see 938 00:53:18,073 --> 00:53:24,037 a woman who looks at you the way your wife does, 939 00:53:24,079 --> 00:53:25,330 arrest that man! 940 00:53:28,458 --> 00:53:29,751 We're not saying domestic violence 941 00:53:29,793 --> 00:53:31,670 is a problem among law enforcement. 942 00:53:31,711 --> 00:53:36,883 Maybe just, like, a requirement to gain entry into the academy. 943 00:53:36,925 --> 00:53:39,427 You know, because you can't use that gun on the street. 944 00:53:39,469 --> 00:53:40,720 A guy could get hurt. 945 00:53:40,762 --> 00:53:42,931 You gotta practice pistol-whipping people 946 00:53:42,972 --> 00:53:43,932 who love you. 947 00:53:43,973 --> 00:53:46,351 You guys can laugh at that. 948 00:53:46,393 --> 00:53:47,644 You guys can laugh at that. 949 00:53:47,686 --> 00:53:49,604 There are no cops in here. 950 00:53:49,646 --> 00:53:51,648 They would have had to have been vaccinated. 951 00:54:00,573 --> 00:54:03,868 I don't want to tease the cops, because it's 952 00:54:03,910 --> 00:54:07,622 a really hard, stressful job, and there are 953 00:54:07,664 --> 00:54:11,376 a lot of good cops out there. 954 00:54:11,418 --> 00:54:15,755 It would be great to hear from any of them. 955 00:54:15,797 --> 00:54:21,344 And as far as the bad apples, it's not their fault either. 956 00:54:21,386 --> 00:54:23,596 Right, guys? 957 00:54:23,638 --> 00:54:28,476 It's not their fault. Whose fault is it? 958 00:54:28,518 --> 00:54:29,728 - Moms. 959 00:54:29,769 --> 00:54:32,939 - Yes, you guys are getting it. 960 00:54:32,981 --> 00:54:35,608 If there is any takeaway from this show, 961 00:54:35,650 --> 00:54:38,695 it's that it's always the mom's fault! 962 00:54:38,737 --> 00:54:42,782 All moms are bastards! 963 00:54:42,824 --> 00:54:50,790 I'm just thinking about moms, and moms of sons, 964 00:54:50,832 --> 00:54:52,125 in particular. 965 00:54:52,167 --> 00:54:57,714 Because surprise, surprise, I'm having a boy. 966 00:54:57,756 --> 00:54:59,049 Whoo! Yeah! 967 00:54:59,090 --> 00:55:01,092 On the bright side, it means now, I can drink. 968 00:55:09,559 --> 00:55:11,978 When people find out I'm having a boy, 969 00:55:12,020 --> 00:55:19,027 one of the first things they say is, good for you. 970 00:55:19,069 --> 00:55:26,159 America needs more boys raised by strong feminist women. 971 00:55:26,201 --> 00:55:28,036 It's a lot of pressure. 972 00:55:28,078 --> 00:55:32,624 I don't know how to raise a boy to be 973 00:55:32,665 --> 00:55:37,671 a good man in America in 2022. 974 00:55:37,712 --> 00:55:39,673 And I think it starts with accountability-- 975 00:55:39,714 --> 00:55:41,091 holding bad actors-- 976 00:55:41,132 --> 00:55:43,051 and good actors, like Kevin Spacey-- 977 00:55:45,970 --> 00:55:46,846 accountable. 978 00:55:50,558 --> 00:55:54,771 But I got to say, the past few years 979 00:55:54,813 --> 00:55:58,650 have been pretty demoralizing. 980 00:55:58,692 --> 00:56:01,444 Watching so many men who've been accused 981 00:56:01,486 --> 00:56:08,034 of sexual misconduct or worse evade accountability, continue 982 00:56:08,076 --> 00:56:12,205 to thrive professionally, profit off 983 00:56:12,247 --> 00:56:16,001 of the goodwill other people have for them-- 984 00:56:16,042 --> 00:56:21,214 as a woman, I find it infuriating. 985 00:56:21,256 --> 00:56:30,598 But as a mother, I have a son. 986 00:56:34,561 --> 00:56:38,606 I am so fucking relieved. 987 00:56:38,648 --> 00:56:45,238 The sky is the limit for you, my little lady killer. 988 00:56:45,280 --> 00:56:46,114 He just kicked. 989 00:56:49,701 --> 00:56:53,580 You can be the biggest piece of shit on the planet, 990 00:56:53,621 --> 00:56:55,915 and still end up president! 991 00:56:55,957 --> 00:56:59,627 Thank you guys so much! 992 00:56:59,669 --> 00:57:03,590 Thank you so much for coming out to the show. 993 00:57:03,631 --> 00:57:07,510 Get home safely, and have a good night. 994 00:57:07,552 --> 00:57:10,597 [applause, cheering]