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♪ ♪
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Jerrod: I'M HAPPY YOU'RE
HERE.
I HAVE SO MUCH TO TELL YOU.
ARE YOU COMFORTABLE?
I WANT YOU GUYS TO FEEL LIKE
FAMILY.
I KNOW THAT CAMERAS ARE HERE,
AND IT IS A WHOLE THING.
IT IS A BIG NIGHT.
A LOT OF PRESSURE.
THAT KIND OF THING.
I WANT YOU TO BE COMFORTABLE.
I'M HAPPY YOU'RE HERE.
I NEED YOU.
I HAVE -- I WANT TO TALK ABOUT
SECRETS.
I SHOULD WHISPER IT, RIGHT?
I HAVE CARRIED A LOT OF SECRETS
MY WHOLE LIFE.
I FEEL LIKE I WAS BURDENED INTO
THEM.
ONE OF MY BIGGEST, ONE OF MY
LAST HELD SECRETS IS MY NAME.
MY NAME IS NOT JERROD.
WELCOME TO THE SHOW, EVERYBODY.
JERROD IS MY MIDDLE NAME.
I WAS GIVEN THE NAME JERROD, MY
BROTHER, JOE, IS LIKE SEVEN
YEARS OLDER THAN ME.
JUST TRUSTED A KID TO NAME A
KID, BUT WHATEVER.
I'M THANKFUL FOR THAT.
WITHOUT HIM, I WOULD HAVE TO GO
BY MY REAL NAME, MY FIRST NAME.
WHICH WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IT.
IT'S NOT GOOD.
I DON'T LIKE IT.
I'VE ALWAYS HATED THAT NAME.
NO ONE CALLS ME THAT EXCEPT FOR
MY MOM.
MY DAD NAMED ME -- HE COMBINED
HIS DAD'S FIRST NAME AND MY
MOM'S DAD'S FIRST NAME.
AND MUSHED THEM TOGETHER.
NOT TO MAKE SOME ELEGANT LIKE
WILLIAM EDWARD OR SOMETHING LIKE
THAT.
IT'S MORE LIKE TOYOTATHON.
I HATE THAT NAME.
I HAVE HIDDEN IT MY WHOLE LIFE.
I USED TO GET IT REMOVED FROM
THE YEARBOOK EVERY YEAR IN
HIGH SCHOOL.
I WOULD DRIVE SOMEBODY.
IT WOULD COST ME $20.
I WOULD HAVE MY FIRST NAME TAKEN
OUT OF IT.
I NEVER LET PEOPLE SEE MY
DRIVER'S LICENSE.
MY BANK CARDS.
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN ASHAMED OF IT.
I'VE ALWAYS HIDDEN IT.
AND IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S A
NAME GIVEN TO ME TO HONOR TWO
PEOPLE.
RIGHT?
IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE THIS GIFT
TO BOTH OF MY GRANDDADS.
AND IT ALMOST SEEMED KIND OF
FUCKED UP THAT I HIDE THAT, TUCK
IT AWAY, BUT THAT'S BECAUSE YOU
DON'T KNOW MY GRANDFATHERS.
IF YOU KNEW THEM, YOU WOULD KNOW
KEEPING A SECRET IS THE ONLY WAY
TO HONOR THEM.
LIKE THAT IS WHO THEY WERE.
THE GRANDDADS, I AM NAMED AFTER
TWO MEN WHO MOSTLY, MOST OF
THEIR LIVES, MOST OF THEIR SEX
LIVES AT LEAST WERE SECRETS.
MY MOM'S DAD HAD FOUR KIDS WITH
MY MOM'S MOM, HIS WIFE, AND FOUR
KIDS OUTSIDE OF THE MARRIAGE.
JUST KIND OF SCATTERED ABOUT.
MY DAD'S DAD HAD FIVE KIDS WITH
HIS WIFE.
AND ABOUT 23 OUTSIDE OF THE
MARRIAGE.
YEAH.
I COME FROM A LONG LINE OF COOL
NIGGAS.
23.
THERE IN SOUTH CAROLINA.
JIM IS HIS NAME.
WE DON'T HAVE THE SAME LAST NAME
BECAUSE MY DAD WAS AN OUTSIDE
KID.
YEAH.
THERE'S NO EASY WAY TO SAY IT.
THOUGHT YOUR GRANDMA WAS A SIDE
PIECE.
I AM GOING TO TELL YOU A LITTLE
SOMETHING ELSE.
HE WAS FUCKING MARRIED.
MY GRANDFATHER HAD THREE KIDS --
MY UNCLE PETE, MY DAD, AND HIS
AND MY AUNT.
HIS WIFE FOUND OUT AND
CONFRONTED MY GRANDMA ABOUT IT.
I LIKE TO THINK IT WAS
UNCOMFORTABLE.
BUT SHE CONFRONTED MY GRANDMA
AND DEMANDED THAT SHE STOP
SLEEPING WITH HER MAN.
AND MY GRANDMA FUCKED HIM AGAIN.
PROUD OF THAT, BY THE WAY.
SHE WILL TELL EVERYBODY HER
ORIGIN STORY.
SHE SAID DON'T NOBODY TELL ME
WHO TO SLEEP WITH.
I'M THE SPITE BABY.
BUT WE DON'T REALLY TALK ABOUT
IT.
WE DON'T REALLY TALK ABOUT IT.
MY DAD DOESN'T REALLY KNOW HIS
DAD, BUT HE STILL FELT ENOUGH
PRIDE TO, YOU KNOW, NAME ME
AFTER HIM.
MY MOM'S DAD WAS ALSO A CHEATER,
BUT SHE LIVED IN THE HOUSE THAT
HE WAS CHEATING FROM.
YOU KNOW.
AND SO WHEN YOU ARE THAT FAMILY,
YOU LEARN NOT TO SAY SHIT.
YOU KNOW.
MY MOM, I GUESS, LEARNED FROM
HER MOM.
I'M TRYING TO PAINT A PICTURE OF
A WORLD BEFORE DESTINY'S CHILD.
WHERE, YOU KNOW, WOMEN GOT
CHEATED ON.
IT DID NOT PLAY OUT LIKE A TERRY
McMILLAN NOVEL.
IT WAS MUCH MORE QUIET THAN
THAT.
THEY JUST KIND OF EXISTED WITH
THE SECRET.
THEY KNEW, BUT THEY DIDN'T KNOW.
IT'S WEIRD.
AND IT'S LIKE GENERATIONS OF THE
FEW GENERATIONS OF JUST SEEING
THINGS, NOT SEEING THINGS.
I SAW MY PARENTS' SEX TAPE.
I WAS ABOUT 12 YEARS OLD.
I CAME HOME FROM SCHOOL EARLY.
I WOULD WATCH -- LIKE MY DAD OR
BROTHER, THEY MIGHT HAVE HAD A
PORN STASH.
THIS WAS THE '90s.
HE HAD HIS TAPES IN A NIKE BOX
IN THE BEDROOM CLOSET ON THE TOP
SHELF.
BESIDE A GUN AND A JAR OF
NIPPLES.
AND I REMEMBER PUTTING THIS TAPE
IN.
IT WAS ABOUT 15 SECONDS BEFORE I
STARTED RECOGNIZING THE BEDROOM.
THOSE SHEETS GOT LEMONS ON THEM.
BUT THAT'S THE THING.
I NEVER TOLD MY FAMILY.
I NEVER TOLD MY PARENTS THAT I
HAD SEEN THAT.
IT'S ODD BECAUSE IT'S ONE OF
THOSE THINGS, YOU CAN'T TALK
ABOUT SEX WITH YOUR
PARENTS.
NOT THAT ANYBODY REALLY WANTS
TO, BUT YOU JUST CAN'T.
YOU ARE ONLY HERE BECAUSE YOUR
PARENTS FUCKED.
YOUR DAD CAME IN YOUR MOM.
AND YOU'RE HERE.
YOU'RE EVER WATCHING A MOVIE
WITH YOUR PARENTS AND LIKE A SEX
SCENE CAME ON.
YOU JUST GOTTA BE LIKE...
THINGS THAT EXIST BUT DON'T
EXIST.
IT'S THINGS THAT ARE LIKE RIGHT
THERE HIDING IN PLAIN SIGHT.
MY FATHER HAD ME AND MY BROTHER.
WITH MY MOM.
AND HE HAD THE FOUR KIDS.
WITH BITCH NEIGHBOR, ANITA.
IT'S NOT THAT I HATE HER NAME.
BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE A VILLAIN IN
A TYLER PEARY MOVIE.
OTHER KIDS, HE HAD OTHER KIDS.
MY DAD WAS REALLY OUT THERE,
MAN.
HE WAS REALLY, REALLY OUT THERE.
AND I KNEW ABOUT IT SINCE I WAS
A KID.
IT WAS A SMALL TOWN.
IT IS A SECRET THAT HE THOUGHT
HE WAS KEEPING FROM THE FAMILY.
HE THOUGHT HE WAS DOING A
GOOD JOB OF KEEPING THE SECRET.
BUT I FOUND OUT.
I NEVER TOLD HIM.
I DID NOT TELL HIM.
MY BROTHER FOUND OUT.
HE DID NOT TELL HIM.
IT'S FUNNY TO LIVE IN A HOUSE
WITH SOMEONE KNOWING WHO THEY
ARE, KNOWING THAT THEY ARE
CHEATING ON YOUR MOM, AND NOT
SAYING ANYTHING TO HIM.
HE USED TO GO OUT ON FRIDAY
NIGHTS, SAY HE WAS GOING TO
WORK.
MY DAD WAS A TRUCK DRIVER.
WHICH, BY THE WAY, IF YOU HAVE
CHEATED ON YOUR WIFE AND YOU ARE
LOOKING FOR A PROFESSION...
WITH BLACKOUT DATES, GET YOUR
CDL AND HIT THE ROAD.
I WOULD REALLY RECOMMEND IT.
HE WENT -- HE WOULD SAY HE WAS
GOING TO A SECOND JOB ON FRIDAY
NIGHTS.
BUT LIKE HE WOULD GET DRESSED
UP.
AND I MEAN DRESSED I LIKE
NORTH CAROLINA DAD STANDARDS.
HE WOULD SAY HE WAS GOING TO
WORK.
WITH COLOGNE ON.
YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?
HE WAS LIKE A LIAR.
AND IT WOULD JUST LEAVE ME AS A
KID, KNOWING -- IT'S WEIRD.
IT'S WEIRD TO KNOW IT.
TO KNOW.
TO REALLY, REALLY KNOW.
AND NOT SAY ANYTHING.
I WAS SCARED.
I DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I COULD HAVE
DONE.
I DON'T KNOW IF I WOULD HAVE
SAID ANYTHING IF I HAD BEEN
ENCOURAGED.
BECAUSE I ONLY SAW THE SECRET IS
SOMETHING THAT COULD HAVE TORN
OUR FAMILY APART.
IF MY MOTHER FOUND OUT, I
THOUGHT IT WOULD BE OVER.
HE WAS FUCKING MY HOMEBOY TJ'S
AUNT.
THAT WAS THE STORY TJ TOLD ME
ABOUT.
TJ, HE DID NOT WANT TO SNITCH.
YOU'RE IN THE HOOD.
YOU KNOW.
I DID NOT WANT TO SNITCH.
HE TOLD ME.
HE WAS LIKE MAN, I CAME HOME
FROM SCHOOL THE OTHER DAY.
I WENT TO MY AUNT'S HOUSE.
YOUR PAPA WAS JUST THERE ON THE
COUCH.
WHAT?
YEAH, YEAH.
HE SAW MY DAD SITTING ON THE
COUCH.
HE WALKS IN.
HE IS EXCITED TO SEE MY DAD.
HE KNOWS MY DAD VERY WELL.
THEY PLAY "MADDEN" TOGETHER.
HE KNOWS HIM.
HE'S LIKE MR. CARMICHAEL, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?
MY DAD, BEING CAUGHT, UNDER
PRESSURE, YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID?
HE JUST SQUINTED HIS EYES AND
PRETENDED HE WAS SOMEBODY ELSE.
HE GOT HIS SHIT AND GOT THE FUCK
OUT OF THERE.
AND TJ WAS THERE WITH HIS AUNT.
HE SAID DO YOU KNOW WHO THAT
WAS?
THAT'S MY BEST FRIEND'S DAD.
THAT'S JOE CARMICHAEL.
AND SHE SAID "JOE CARMICHAEL?"
HE TOLD ME HIS NAME WAS JERRY
RICE.
HE SAID HIS NAME WAS
HALL OF FAMER, WIDE RECEIVER.
DO YOU KNOW HOW ABSURD THAT IS?
I GOT SO MANY QUESTIONS.
TJ WON'T TALK ABOUT IT.
DID YOU ACT SURPRISED?
WHAT?
THERE IS ANOTHER JERRY RICE?
LIKE WAS IT ALL A PART OF THE
GAME?
DID HE GO MY NAME IS JERRY RICE,
I KNOW, I KNOW.
HE IS A WILD MAN.
REALLY OUT THERE.
REALLY, REALLY OUT THERE.
JUST HOLDING IT IN.
JUST HOLDING IT ALL IN.
HE HAD DOUBLE OR TRIPLE BYPASS
SURGERY.
I GUESS THAT'S WHERE IT WENT.
I'M PAYING FOR HIS HEALTH
INSURANCE, OKAY?
I MADE HIM TELL MY MOM.
IT BECAME TOO MUCH.
YOU KNOW.
IT'S A SECRET THAT I THINK I WAS
HAPPY KEEPING AS A CHILD BECAUSE
I THOUGHT IT MADE SENSE WITH
FAMILY.
THOUGHT IT WAS EMBARRASSING,
FIRST OF ALL.
IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYONE KNEW
BUT MY MOM.
YOU KNOW.
AND THAT'S REALLY TOUGH.
BECAUSE MY MOM IS VERY SWEET,
LOVING, TRUSTING.
CHRISTIAN.
GOD FEARING WOMAN, TRUSTING HER
HUSBAND, STANDING BY HER MAN.
MY DAD WAS JUST REALLY OUT THER
THERE.
I GOT REALLY DRUNK IN LONDON.
AND I WAS LIKE THIS IS -- IT'S
TIME.
I'M GOING TO CONFRONT HIM ABOUT
IT.
AND IT'S HARD.
HE'S A TOUGH MAN.
HE KEPT A SAWED-OFF SHOTGUN IN
THE CLOSET WITH A LOT OF PORN.
IT'S NOT EASY.
I WAS REALLY AFRAID.
BUT I REMEMBER STARTING THE CALL
SAYING LISTEN, THIS WILL ALL GO
WELL AS LONG AS YOU DON'T LIE TO
ME.
AND I WAS JUST ALMOST IN TEARS,
JUST SO EMOTIONAL.
"I KNOW EVERYTHING, MAN."
I KNOW ABOUT BERNITA AND THE
KIDS.
YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID?
HE ACTUALLY SAID "I ALWAYS KNEW
YOU WOULD BE THE ONE."
SO I MADE HIM TELL MY MOM.
HE WAITED UNTIL I WAS BACK HOME
IN NORTH CAROLINA TO TELL HER.
PUSSY.
THAT'S THE PUSSY THING TO DO.
HE NEEDED THE SUPPORT.
HE WAITED UNTIL I WAS HOME.
HIS BIG PLAN TO TELL MY MOM.
I WILL TAKE HER OUT TO DINNER.
I'M GONNA STAY HOME.
YOU BRING HER BACK FROM DINNER.
DROP HER OFF.
SHE COMES IN THE HOUSE, AND I'M
GOING TO TELL HER, OKAY?
LIKE HIDING.
BUT I WENT ALONG WITH IT.
THAT DINNER WAS THE WORST DINNER
I HAVE EVER HAD IN MY ENTIRE
LIFE.
WE TOOK MY MOM TO A HIBACHI
RESTAURANT.
EARLIER THAT DAY, I HAD TAKEN MY
NIECES TO SEE THE "TROLLS"
MOVIE.
MOVIES WITH MY NIECES, IT'S THE
BEST.
THEY'RE NOT MY KIDS, SO I CAN
JUST GET HIGH AND DO FUN SHIT
WITH THEM.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE SEEN IT.
THE PREMISE IS THAT THERE ARE
SINGING AND ALL TYPES OF SHIT.
SOMETHING DEVASTATING HAPPENS TO
THEM.
THEY LOSE ALL OF THEIR COLOR.
AND I REMEMBER THINKING THAT THE
WHOLE DINNER, LOOKING AT MY MOM,
JUST LOOKING IN HER EYES, GOING
SHE'S GOING TO LOSE HER COLOR.
IT WAS REALLY, REALLY SCARY.
MIND YOU, ALL THAT'S HAPPENING
AT A HIBACHI GRILL.
I'M LOOKING IN HER EYES, BUT
THERE'S LIKE A FLAME.
LIKE JUGGLING SALT-AND-PEPPER.
OKAY, MY MOM IS ABOUT TO BE
FUCKING DESTROYED, BUT GREAT
TRICK.
I GET MAD WHEN I DON'T GET A
JAPANESE CHEF.
SOMETIMES IT'S LIKE...
NOT TOO MANY JAPANESE CHEF'S OUT
THERE NORTH CAROLINA.
I BROUGHT HER HOME.
I DROPPED HER OFF.
WENT TO MY BROTHERS HOUSE.
AND WE WAITED BY THE PHONE.
VERY, VERY ANXIOUSLY.
ME AND MY BROTHER AND
SISTER-IN-LAW.
JUST WAITED.
REALLY NERVOUS.
AND THEN MY MOM CALLED.
AND YOU COULD HEAR IN HER VOICE
THAT SHE HAD BEEN CRYING.
AND I WILL NEVER FORGET.
SHE JUST SAID, HER FIRST WORDS
WERE I'M OKAY.
I'M OKAY.
AND HE TOLD HER.
BEGGED FOR HER FORGIVENESS.
SHE FORGIVE HIM.
SHE STAYED.
KIND OF ANTICLIMACTIC.
SHE ACTUALLY MADE HIM BREAKFAST
THE NEXT MORNING.
I WILL NEVER FORGET THAT FACT.
MOSTLY BECAUSE IT IS AN
EMBARRASSING FACT TO ADMIT, IT
IS NOT HOW I THOUGHT THE STORY
WOULD PLAY OUT.
SOMEHOW WORSE.
BUT IT WAS OUT IN THE OPEN.
AND ONCE THAT WAS DONE, I WAS
LEFT ALONE FEELING LIKE A LIAR.
BECAUSE I HAD A SECRET.
ONE THAT I HAD KEPT FROM MY
MOTHER.
MY FATHER.
MY FAMILY.
FRIENDS.
FROM YOU.
PROFESSIONALLY, PERSONALLY.
IN THE SECRET IS THAT I AM GAY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> WE LOVE YOU!
WE LOVE YOU!
>> Jerrod: NO, NO, IT MEANS A
LOT.
I AM EXCEPTING THE LOVE.
I APPRECIATE IT.
MY KIND OF EGO WANTS TO REBEL
AGAINST IT, YOU KNOW.
YOU CLAP.
YOU ARE VERY SWEET AND VERY
KIND.
I APPRECIATE IT.
PART OF ME WANTS TO BE LIKE I'M
FUCKING GAY, NOT RETARDED.
I CAN FEEL IT.
THERE'S A LOT THAT HAPPENS
COMING OUT.
LIKE I'M TELLING YOU GUYS, I
KNOW SOME OF Y'ALL, YOU'RE LIKE
WE ARE AT A GAY SHOW, BRO?
THIS IS ON HBO.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY NIGGAS JUST
TURNED THE TV OFF, SAYING TO
THEIR GIRLFRIEND WE'VE GOT TO
WATCH SOMETHING ELSE?
SOME OF YOU FELT IT.
THAT'S OKAY.
I GET IT.
I CAME OUT TO MY FRIENDS.
>> LOVE YOU!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Jerrod: I WANT TO ACCEPT
THAT.
>>> COME YOU SHED.
>> Jerrod: IT FEELS LIKE I DID
NOT EARN IT.
WHAT DID I DO?
SOCK A DOMINICAN DUDE'S DICK.
I REALLY DID, BRO.
MY WHOLE LIFE.
I NEVER THOUGHT -- I DID NOT
THINK I WOULD EVER, EVER COME
OUT.
I PROBABLY -- ONCE IN MY LIFE, I
THOUGHT I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN
CONFRONT THE TRUTH.
ACTUALLY SAY TO PEOPLE BECAUSE I
KNOW IT CHANGES PEOPLE'S -- SOME
PEOPLE, IT CHANGES THEIR
PERCEPTION OF ME.
I CAN'T CONTROL THAT.
YOU KNOW, FROM AN ENVIRONMENT
WHERE I'M KIND OF RAISED TO THE
MAN.
WHATEVER THAT MEANS.
YOU DON'T SEE OLD LADIES LOOKING
OUT LIKE A TODDLER, LOOK AT HIS
CHEEKS.
I BET HE'S GOING TO BE A TOP.
YO.
YO, I FEEL YOU, BRO.
I FEEL YOU, BRO.
LOOKING AT ME LIKE YO, I'M
REALLY GAY.
IT'S SHOCKING TO ME TOO.
YOU KNOW.
IT'S FUCKED UP ALL OF MY
RELATIONSHIPS.
TALKING TO EACH OTHER LIKE MEN.
I HAVE TO SAY SHIT LIKE I WANT
TO SUCK YOUR DICK, BRO.
I FEEL YOU.
I'VE GOT MOSTLY STRAIGHT
FRIENDS.
THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT
SHIT.
MY HOMEBOYS, ONE OF MY
BEST FRIENDS, ONE OF MY
BEST FRIENDS, I LET HIM SLEEP ON
MY COUCH WHEN HE NEEDED IT.
I WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR HIM.
HE TOLD ME HE FELT LIKE HE WAS
TRICKED INTO HAVING A GAY
BEST FRIEND.
HE SAID I WOULD HAVE NEVER
SIGNED UP FOR THIS.
I SAID NIGGA, YOU OWE ME
$80,000.
YOU'VE GOT TO ACCEPT THE LOVE,
MAN.
I NEED THE LOVE.
I NEED IT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I'M REALLY OUT HERE LYING,
THOUGH.
HERE'S THE THING.
I CAME OUT TOO LATE.
LIKE A LITTLE TOO LATE.
THAT "IT GETS BETTER" SHIT IS
FOR THE KIDS.
I'M AN OLD MAN.
NOBODY WANTS THAT SHIT.
ALL MY FRIENDS JUST FELT LIKE I
WAS DUPLICITOUS, I WAS JUST
LYING TO THEM.
THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS.
THEY ALL REACTED LIKE SALLY
FIELD AND "MRS. DOUBT FIRE."
LIKE "THE WHOLE TIME?
THE WHOLE TIME?"
IT CLEARED UP MY RELATIONSHIP
WITH ALL OF MY HOME GIRLS.
MY FRIEND ASHLEY TOLD ME BEFORE
I CAME OUT, SHE COULD SENSE IT.
SHE WAS LIKE PLEASE JUST TELL ME
YOUR GAY SO THIS ALL MAKES SENS
SENSE.
SOMETIMES YOU LIKE FACE TIME A
WOMAN TO SEE IF YOUR OUTFIT
LOOKS OKAY.
THEY WERE THE TOUGHEST.
I WILL TELL YOU.
BLACK WOMEN WEAR THE TOUGHEST TO
COME OUT TO YOU BUT ALSO MOST
SUPPORTIVE.
AND I'M VERY, VERY THANKFUL FOR
ALL OF THE BLACK LADIES IN MY
LIFE.
[APPLAUSE]
THEY ARE NOT HOMOPHOBIC AT ALL.
THEY ARE RACIST AS A
MOTHERFUCKER.
NIGGA, WHAT?
YOU DATE WHITE BOYS?
DON'T ACT SURPRISED.
NO MORE SECRETS.
>> WOW!
>> Jerrod: YOU HEARD HER SAY
"WOW."
MY SISTER IS ON THAT SHIT TOO.
YOU CAN'T -- I'M USED TO IT.
I GREW UP IN THE HOOD.
LIKE REAL, STRONG SHIT.
LOOK.
I WILL SAY THIS.
I ACTUALLY THINK THAT IT'S
IMPORTANT TO SAY THIS.
I BELIEVE IN BLACK FAMILY.
I THINK BLACK MEN SHOULD MARRY
BLACK WOMEN, HAVE BLACK BABIES,
AND RAISE THEM TO BE SMART, JUST
GOOD CITIZENS EDUCATED.
100%.
I THINK GAY BLACK MEN SHOULD BE
ABLE TO FUCK WHOEVER THEY WANT.
NO BLACK BABIES.
IT'S ALL GETTING FLUSHED.
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
THE BLACK GIRLS, THEY TRY.
THEY WILL IGNORE THAT HE IS
WHITE.
WHENEVER I SEND A PICTURE TO MY
HOMEGIRL, TIFFANY, SHE'S LIKE
THAT'S PRETTY.
LOOK AT THE SKIN.
MY VANILLA KING.
>> WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Jerrod: NOW YOU GUYS ARE
TOO MUCH LIKE MY FAMILY.
IT'S A LOT.
I'M REALLY HAPPY FOR THIS MOMEN
MOMENT.
MY BROTHER TEXTED ME EARLIER
TODAY.
HE SAID I'M MISSING MY FIRST
SPECIAL TAPING, BUT I KNOW IT'S
NECESSARY.
I LOVE YOU.
THAT'S VERY SWEET.
I LOVE HIM.
HE'S THERE FOR ME AS MUCH AS HE
CAN BE.
IT'S NOT -- HE TRIES.
HE TRIES, AND I LOVE HIM.
I LOVE HIM A LOT.
I LOVE JOE SO MUCH.
HE IS ALL I GOT IN A LOT OF
THIS.
YOU KNOW.
I WISH YOU WOULD TRY HARDER.
A LITTLE BIT MAD.
HE IS MY BIG BROTHER.
HE SUPPOSED TO PROTECT ME.
HE LOVES ME, DESPITE.
THAT'S THE THING.
IT'S A LITTLE CONDESCENDING, YOU
KNOW.
IT IS LOVE WITH AN ASTERISK.
I'M NOT INTO THAT GAY SHIT, BUT
I LOVE YOU.
YOU KNOW.
I CAN FEEL THE DISTANCE BETWEEN
US.
AND I HATE THAT BECAUSE I DON'T
WANT THAT.
IT MAKES ME FEEL UNWANTED.
IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE THERE'S
SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME.
IT'S LIKE HE'S LOOKING DOWN ON
ME.
IT'S ESPECIALLY HURTFUL JUST
BECAUSE I MAKE SO MUCH MORE
MONEY THAN THIS NIGGA.
IT'S NOT EVEN CLOSE.
I DON'T WANT TO BE GROSS AND
TALK ABOUT MONEY, BUT THE
DIFFERENCE IS MILLIONS AND
MILLIONS.
I LOVE MY BROTHER A LOT.
HE'S A NICE GUY.
NICE.
I'M SAYING THAT -- HE HAS FIVE
KIDS.
WHO I LOVE.
A LOT.
MY NIECES MEAN A LOT TO ME.
MY OLDEST NIECE, SHE'S 14 NOW.
AND I LOVE -- I LIKE TALKING TO
HER.
SHE'S SO SMART.
AND REALLY BEAUTIFUL.
AND ALL OF -- I HAVE A
5-YEAR-OLD NIECE AND 4-YEAR-OLD
TWIN NIECES.
I LOVE THEM.
I LOVE SPENDING TIME WITH THEM
BECAUSE I'M NOT HIDING ANYTHING
WHEN I'M WITH THEM.
I'M JUST WITH THEM.
JUST EATING ICE CREAM.
THEY ARE EASY TO TALK ABOUT.
IT IS HARDER WITH THE OLDER ONE
ONES.
I CAME OUT TO MY DAD.
AGAIN.
I SAY IT AGAIN BECAUSE OF THE
COGNITIVE DISSONANCE.
I HAVE TO REMIND HIM.
I HAVE TO RE-UP.
THERE IS A PART OF HIM THAT LIKE
SET I CAME OUT.
I DON'T THINK HE NECESSARILY
WANTS A GAY SON, BUT HE LIKES
THAT ME TA COMING OUT TAKE SOMEF
THE HEAT OFF OF HIM.
WHEN HE FIRST FOUND OUT, HE IS
LIKE OH, NO, IT'S COOL.
I FUCKED UP.
YOU FUCKED UP.
[LAUGHTER]
MY FATHER'S DREAM IS THAT I AM
BI.
THAT'S ALL HE WANTS.
THAT'S REALLY ALL HE WANTS.
THERE IS THE HOPE THAT SOMEWHERE
ON THE HORIZON THAT I AM STILL
GETTING PUSSY.
HE IS PROBABLY ACTUALLY
DISAPPOINTED IN BOTH ME AND MY
BROTHER.
HE IS PROBABLY LOOKING AT US
LIKE WAGE, SO YOU GAY, AND YOU
ONLY FUCK YOUR WIFE?
I TOLD MY DAD, I SAID I KNOW TWO
THINGS FOR EFFECT.
I WILL NEVER BE AN ASTRONAUT.
AND I AM A GAY MAN.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT MY FATHER
SAID?
HE SAID DON'T GIVE UP ON THE
MOON, SON.
I HID IT FROM MY MOM.
I WAS AFRAID THAT HER REACTION
WOULD BE TO JUST GO INSIDE.
I LOVE -- I LOVE HER A LOT.
I LOVE HER DEARLY.
AND I'M TRYING TO DESCRIBE HER
WITHOUT SOUNDING CLICHE.
DESCRIBE THE LOVE THAT I HAVE
FOR HER.
I REALLY FEEL LIKE I WAS ONE OF
HER CLOSEST FRIENDS.
I FEEL LIKE I ALWAYS LOOKED OUT
FOR HER.
I REMEMBER ON THE CALL LAST TIME
I TALKED ABOUT BEING GAY WITH MY
MOM, SHE SAID I CAN'T GO AGAINST
JESUS.
THAT BOTHERS ME.
AND I GET IT.
I GET IT BECAUSE SHE'S...
SHE'S DOING THE BEST SHE CAN.
YOU KNOW.
I THINK.
SHE'S TRYING TO ACCEPT -- I
DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S TRYING TO
DO.
I THINK SHE IS TO ACCEPT IT.
PART OF ME KNOWS SHE IS LIKE AT
HOME, TRYING TO PRAY THE GAY
AWAY.
ANYTIME I DON'T MATCH WITH THE
DUDE.
I FEEL IT TOO.
YOU KNOW, IT FUCKS WITH ME
BECAUSE THIS IS A RELIGION I
STILL BELIEVE IN.
I'M STILL A CHRISTIAN.
IT'S TAKEN A LOT.
IT'S TAKEN A WHOLE LOT BECAUSE I
HAVE HAD TO RECONFIGURE GOD AND
WHAT GOD IS AND WHAT IT MEANS.
IN ORDER TO ACCEPT MY SOUL.
KIND OF REBUILD.
AND WITH MY MOM, SORRY.
IT'S NOT REALLY -- IT'S KIND OF
HAPPENING.
IT'S NOT TOTALLY WORKED OUT.
SHE'S...
I THINK SHE'S -- SHE THINKS NOT
REACTING IS THE BEST REACTION.
I THINK SHE'S BEEN REWARDED.
SHE'S BEEN REWARDED FOR STAYING
QUIET.
LIKE WITH HER DAD.
SO SHE GIVES ME NOTHING.
EVEN HATE.
EVEN HATE STARTS TO FEEL LIKE
LOVE BECAUSE THAT'S
ACKNOWLEDGMENT.
IT'S NOT JUST NICE.
IT'S NOT PLEASANT.
BUT IT'S REAL.
AND THAT FEELS -- I THINK THAT
WOULD FEEL BETTER.
I WISH SHE WOULD YELL AT ME.
I WISH SHE WOULD TELL ME TO NOT
COME HOME.
ONCE SHE CALLS ME A FAGGOT LIKE
MY UNCLE DID.
IT HURT MY FEELINGS, BUT I WAS
LIKE NIGGA, YOUR NAMED JUNE BUG.
ANYTHING.
SHE'S NICE.
SHE'S SWEET.
SHE IGNORES IT.
THE WORST OF HER IS COLD.
REALLY, REALLY COLD.
I MEAN, SHE'S A NICE LADY, BUT
THERE'S A PART OF HER THAT'S
REALLY -- SHE CAN SHUT PEOPLE
OUT TO GET SHE CAN IGNORE.
SHE CAN BLOCK.
>> BUT YOU GAVE YOURSELF SO MANY
YEARS.
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE HER SOME
TIME.
>> Jerrod: I WOULD LOVE TO
GIVE HER ALL OF THE TIME IN THE
WORLD.
JUST IN GENERAL, YOU KNOW, ONE
OF HER BIGGEST FEARS, HER
PARENTS FUNERAL, JUST THE
THOUGHT OF ONE OF THEM DYING
WITHOUT SAYING EVERYTHING.
YOU KNOW.
WITHOUT EXPRESSING AT ALL.
MY MOM IS IN HER EARLY 60s.
SHE HAS TIME.
I STILL JUST DON'T KNOW IF
THAT'S WHEN PEOPLE CHANGE.
LIKE MAYBE.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE PART OF
ME FEELS LIKE IT IS LIKE TELLING
A JOKE, BUT PART OF IT, ASKING
MY MOM TO CHANGE, YOU EVER SEE
LIKE A 90-YEAR-OLD GET A COLLEGE
DEGREE?
YOU'RE LIKE BITCH, NOW?
OKAY.
OKAY, YEAH.
GOOD LUCK IN THE FUCKING JOB
MARKET.
LIKE I DON'T WANT -- IT'S NOT
THAT I DON'T HAVE HOPE FOR
CHANGE, BUT I THINK EVEN WHEN
SHE WAS YOUNG, THERE IS A PART
OF MY MOM THAT'S VERY, VERY COL
COLD.
MY -- MY LAST REAL SECRET IS
THAT I AM NICE.
NO.
LIKE MY MOM.
VERY SELFISH.
VERY, VERY, VERY SELFISH.
I SMILED.
I'M VERY POLITE ABOUT IT.
I LIE TO EVERYBODY'S FACE.
NOW, WE SHOULD GET DINNER.
YOU KNOW.
LIES.
YOU CAN'T JUST GO I'M AFRAID.
JUST LIKE MY MOM.
THAT PERFORMANCE.
NOT SMILING.
I SMILE A LOT.
I FEEL LIKE IF I DON'T SMILE --
I KNOW.
I'M AFRAID OF THINGS -- I'M
AFRAID OF THINGS GETTING...
AWKWARD.
LIKE WEIRD.
LIKE EVEN THIS MOMENT, I'M LIKE
THINK OF A JOKE.
>> DO YOU WISH YOU DIDN'T TELL
HER?
>> Jerrod: NO.
NO.
I STAYED IN THE CLOSET FOR A
LONG TIME.
I THINK BECAUSE OF MY MOM.
I FELT LIKE I DIDN'T WANT TO DO
TO HER, SO WHAT'S THE POINT?
BUT AS MUCH AS SHE BELIEVES IN
GOD, I BELIEVE IN PERSONAL
GROWTH.
AND FEELING FREE.
I FEEL FREER.
[APPLAUSE]
YOU SAY THINGS, YOU KNOW, AT
TIMES YOU GROW, YOU GOT TO LEAVE
PEOPLE BEHIND.
PEOPLE ARE IN YOUR LIFE FOR A
REASON OR A SEASON, THE KIND OF
CLICHE SAYINGS.
IT'S HARD WHEN THAT PERSON IS
YOUR MOM.
>> I THINK A LOT OF THAT GUILT
IS YOUR DAD.
>> Jerrod: I THINK I CARRY --
I CARRY SOME GUILT -- I THINK
BECAUSE I WAS COMPLICIT.
IN THE LINE, I GUESS.
I THOUGHT I WAS PROTECTING HER.
I ALWAYS FELT LIKE A PROTECTOR.
I ALWAYS FELT LIKE -- I'M TRYING
TO EXPLAIN THIS.
I ALWAYS FELT LIKE THE
MATERIAL -- I ALWAYS FELT LIKE
THE RESULT OF HER PRAYERS...
MY MOM, ONE OF HER FAVORITE
BIBLE VERSES IS "ASK ME, AND I
WILL TELL YOU."
>> DO YOU THINK WITHOUT YOUR
MOM'S APPROVAL, YOU WILL BE
OKAY?
EVENTUALLY.
>> Jerrod: I THINK WITHOUT MY
MOM'S APPROVAL, I THINK -- I
LIKE TO BELIEVE I WILL BE OKAY.
I SPENT A LOT OF TIME TRYING TO
SUPPLEMENT THE LOVE.
I AM VERY THANKFUL BECAUSE I
HAVE SOME VERY, VERY GOOD
FRIENDS.
REALLY GOOD PEOPLE WHO ARE THER
THERE.
I THINK IT'S SOMETHING THAT I
SEARCH FOR.
I THINK, I MEAN, THIS IS BETWEEN
ME AND MY MOM.
SOMETIMES WHEN I FEEL THE MOST
LIKE AN ORPHAN.
I FEEL THE PAIN.
AND I'M SORRY.
I'M TRYING TO MAKE JOKES.
I WISH THIS MOMENT WERE NOT SO
WEIRD.
BECAUSE I THINK LIKE MEN, WHAT
DO I WANT FROM HER?
I KNOW SHE WILL SEE THIS.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN.
YOU GUYS GOT ANY IDEAS?
NO, BUT I DON'T KNOW.
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO BE VERY
HONEST.
BECAUSE MY WHOLE LIFE WAS
SHROUDED IN SECRETS.
AND...
I FIGURED THE ONLY ROUTE I HAVE
IS THE TRUTH.
TO SAY EVERYTHING.
I'M VERY THANKFUL FOR TONIGHT.
ROTHANIEL.
[APPLAUSE]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪