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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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Los Angeles, are you ready?
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Ladies and gentlemen,
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Jo Koy!
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We did this, Los Angeles!
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I waited a long time for this one.
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We're in the Forum!
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Finally! Two years!
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You know what sucked?
Is this is all I know how to do.
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Is stand-up.
And when they took that away from me,
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it got to the point where I looked
at my son and I was like,
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"Joe, this is all I know how to do!"
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I looked at my son and I was like,
"We're going to starve."
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But we're going to laugh doing it.
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It sucked!
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But now we're back out. Everyone's having
fun. Look at this shit. It's packed!
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And there's a few people that are
still wearing a mask and that's fine.
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That's your choice
and I'm not going to make fun of you.
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Don't cancel me, please!
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It's just my opinion.
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But if you're going
to wear your mask tonight, good for you.
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But chances are, you might get it tonight.
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No one's six feet apart.
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You are right next to that person.
They're going to be laughing like this…
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You're wearing it.
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I hated that fucking mask.
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Don't get me wrong.
We all wore it. We were all scared.
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I'm gonna be reminiscent, because
I was locked up for two fucking years,
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so this is all I can talk about right now.
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But we were all scared!
That mask was all we had!
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We all remember that time
when we were watching TV
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and then all of a sudden
a news anchor came out and was like,
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"Breaking news!
People are dying everywhere!"
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"Look at this footage!"
Then they showed some Asian guy go…
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Fall to the fucking ground.
Then two hazmat suits came in.
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They're like, "Oh my God, oh my God."
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"We'll be right back to tell you
what you need to do." What the fuck?
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Then they came back.
"This is what you need to do:
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Wear a paper square across your mouth."
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"You should be fine." No shit?" "Yes."
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"And fill your refrigerators, because we
don't know how long it's going to last."
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What the fuck?
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I filled my refrigerator
for about two weeks.
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I thought it was going to be done
in two weeks.
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There were a lot of dads who thought
it was going to be done in two weeks.
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That shit went on for two fucking years!
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And the way my son eats,
we were out of food in four days!
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And I think I speak
on behalf of every dad in here.
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We felt like a fucking hero
when we were out of food.
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We felt like a hero,
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because every dad
walked up to the family and went,
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"I will get this family food."
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"I will risk my life
to go get this family,
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-macaroni and cheese,
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and peanut butter and jelly
in the same jar."
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"Someone give me a mask."
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You wore that fucking mask.
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We all wore that mask.
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We don't know
if it was protecting us or what.
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The only thing that we did realize,
and this is what I realized.
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I don't know if it was protecting me,
but I know this is what I realized.
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The minute I put on that mask
for the first fucking time,
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I realized…
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that my breath stunk.
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-Holy shit!
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I never smelled my breath
like that before!
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I think I speak on behalf
of a lot of people in here.
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That was the first time
we smelled our breath!
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And there are some of you in here
right now wearing the mask going,
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"I think I know what he's talking about."
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-Yes!
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Remember when you start wearing that mask?
I remember wearing it. I was in the store,
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and someone was next to me,
and I smelled it and I was like,
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-"God! Is that… ?"
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"This fucker's got cavities or some shit!"
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I started gagging.
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"Excuse me."
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Then I went back to my car
and I still smelled the same smell.
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I was like, "Oh, fuck! That was me?"
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"That was me?"
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Fucking mask. I hate that mask!
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I kind of love it,
because now I floss so much.
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And the ones
that are wearing masks, going…
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You know what that is?
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That's a tomahawk ribeye in your molar.
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You need to get it.
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It's dying.
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But I'm not going to lie.
That first month was the worst one.
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We all acted the same way. It was scary!
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Fuck. Remember the first time you went?
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You didn't want to share
any aisle with anybody.
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Six feet? Fuck that! Sixty feet!
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You walk down that aisle and you see
someone coming down the same aisle.
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"Excuse me, do you mind?"
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"Please, if you don't mind.
Please. Six feet."
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"You. That's you!"
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"Please."
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That was the first month!
We were all scared.
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Don't act like you weren't!
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You better not sneeze that first month.
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Remember that first month?
You better not fucking sneeze!
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You remember? You hold that sneeze in.
You're like… "Ugh God!"
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"No!"
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"No!" This is what you look like
under the mask. "No!"
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-"No!"
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Because if you sneeze, what would happen?
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"Superspreader!"
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"This guy's a fucking superspreader!"
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"No! No!"
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"My girlfriend has cats!"
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"I'm allergic to cats!"
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It was right around month 11
that we didn't give a fuck anymore.
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The 11th month. That's when we were like,
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"Fuck this mask."
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Remember that shit?
You'd just walk around.
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If you had to sneeze,
you just did it underneath the mask.
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Then you just wiped the boogers
with the mask.
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Like, "Fuck this mask! Fuck this mask!"
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"Fuck this mask!"
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"I've been wearing it for 11 months.
It only has one string."
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I sneeze multiple times.
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11 times in a row, I'll sneeze.
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That's how I sneeze. I don't sneeze once.
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I remember I was at Home Depot.
I went at it, just…
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Fuck it. A booger flew up.
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A booger hit my ear.
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I took the mask off.
I looked like I was in a Bukkake flick,
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like, "Goddammit…"
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"God! That's a lot!"
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Fellas!
If your lady looks at you right now,
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and goes, "What's Bukkake?"
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-Don't fucking say anything. Just…
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Just go like this, "I don't know."
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"I don't know why they're laughing.
That's weird."
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"That's weird. What is that?
I don't even know."
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And don't answer quickly!
You're going to fuck your night up.
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You're going to fuck
your whole date night up.
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"What's Bukkake?" "That's when
a bunch of dudes shoot their load."
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"Like 11 dudes just go…
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and she just takes it."
"What the fuck do you watch,
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when I'm at work,
you creepy motherfucker?"
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"You sick fuck!"
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Now you've got to lie. "No, no, no!"
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You've got to lie. "I was… I was Googling…
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'bouquet of flowers' for you one day…
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and I guess I misspelled it."
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I'm going to do a lot of my jokes
starting off like this: "Remember when?"
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Remember when the CDC went like this?
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The CDC went, "If you have lung issues
or respiratory problems,
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just tell the security guard at the
establishment you're trying to go into
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and they should let you in
without a mask."
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And I was like, "Fucking bet."
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"Let's go!"
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I walked up. I was walking up like this.
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The guy stopped me.
"Excuse me, Sir. You need a mask."
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And I was like, "Oh!
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-Uhm… I suffer,
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from a lung disorder,
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so I cannot wear one of those."
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And he goes,
"Sir, what is your lung disorder,
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that prohibits you from wearing a mask?"
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And then I said… this is what I said.
True story. I go,
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"I didn't think you were allowed
to ask me that."
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And he goes,
"No, Sir. We have to ask you."
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"That way we can determine whether or not
you can come into the establishment."
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I go, "Okay, fine. I suffer…
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from sleep apnea."
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Uh-oh. Oh, fuck. Let's hope this works!
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And then he goes, "What's that?"
I'm like, "Fuck!"
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I go, "Sir, it is a sleeping disorder,
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where my lungs…
uh, when my brain goes to sleep,
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so do my lungs."
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"Like when my brain goes, 'Good night,'
my lungs are like, 'See ya!'"
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"And then I just lay there like this."
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He goes, "What the fuck?"
I go, "I know! What the fuck, right?"
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I try to go in. He goes,
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"Sir, I just have to ask you
a couple more questions. I believe you,
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but I'm having problems understanding."
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"If you don't sleep all night,
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and you're not breathing,
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then how are you up the next day,
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shopping?"
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I go, "Oh, that's easy.
I have a CPAP machine,
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that helps me sleep at night,
and that helps me breathe."
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And I tried to walk in. He goes,
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"Sir, okay. Just a couple more questions."
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I go, "Seriously, what is it?"
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00:11:53,838 --> 00:11:55,464
"What is your question?"
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He goes,
"If the machine helps you breathe…"
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00:11:58,217 --> 00:11:59,510
"Yes, the machine helps me breathe."
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"But how?"
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00:12:00,845 --> 00:12:03,514
"It just sits there?"
"No, there's a hose."
194
00:12:03,597 --> 00:12:07,143
"There's a hose that pumps air
into my lungs, and that's how I breathe."
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00:12:07,226 --> 00:12:08,394
"All right? I've really got to get in."
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00:12:08,477 --> 00:12:10,896
And he was like,
"Sir, just one more question."
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00:12:10,980 --> 00:12:12,898
"What is it? What is the question?"
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00:12:13,607 --> 00:12:16,402
He goes, "How does that hose
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stay on your face?"
200
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And I go, "Uh…"
201
00:12:24,743 --> 00:12:26,871
"I have to wear a…
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00:12:33,836 --> 00:12:35,963
A mask. Fuck you. I'll be right back."
203
00:12:36,046 --> 00:12:37,923
"Fucking asshole.
What are you, a detective?"
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00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:46,765
No one takes sleep apnea serious!
205
00:12:46,849 --> 00:12:49,059
They laugh when I say I have that problem.
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00:12:49,143 --> 00:12:50,936
"Ha ha ha! It's funny!"
207
00:12:51,020 --> 00:12:53,522
That shit is a serious problem!
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People with sleep apnea get to say
that we fight death every night.
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I'm this close to dying,
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and I fucking win every time.
I wake up a survivor.
211
00:13:04,950 --> 00:13:07,786
Who gets to say that?
Every night, this close to dying?
212
00:13:07,870 --> 00:13:10,664
I do! Sleep apnea. But no one respects it,
213
00:13:10,748 --> 00:13:14,627
because I have to wear
a big fucking… mask!
214
00:13:16,378 --> 00:13:19,006
That's why guys hate that.
That's the only thing that will cure us,
215
00:13:19,089 --> 00:13:21,258
is a goddamn mask. There's no surgery.
216
00:13:21,342 --> 00:13:23,802
And that's why guys hate to admit
that they have sleep apnea.
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They'll say they're snoring
until they die.
218
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And they literally fucking die!
219
00:13:29,058 --> 00:13:30,768
I guarantee there's a guy in here,
right now,
220
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and his girlfriend is like,
"You listen. Fucking…
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Listen! Fucking idiot!"
222
00:13:36,106 --> 00:13:38,484
Look! They're all pointing!
It's like clockwork!
223
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They're all… Look! Look. She's so happy.
224
00:13:40,986 --> 00:13:42,613
"Right here! This cocksucker, right here!"
225
00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:45,282
Right there!
226
00:13:46,534 --> 00:13:47,701
-What's your name?
-Dylan.
227
00:13:47,785 --> 00:13:48,827
Dylan.
228
00:13:49,411 --> 00:13:51,205
-How long have you been with Dylan?
-Four years.
229
00:13:51,288 --> 00:13:52,206
Four years.
230
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And he won't listen to you?
231
00:13:54,124 --> 00:13:55,918
-Absolutely not.
-Look! "Absolutely not."
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00:13:56,001 --> 00:13:58,420
-"Fuck that! I'm not wearing that!"
233
00:13:58,504 --> 00:14:01,799
"I'm not wearing that thing!
I'd rather fucking die!"
234
00:14:03,717 --> 00:14:05,803
He's serious!
235
00:14:05,886 --> 00:14:08,931
Four years! She loves you, dude.
Wear the goddamn mask!
236
00:14:09,014 --> 00:14:10,140
This shit will save your life!
237
00:14:10,224 --> 00:14:11,475
-Oh, you're married?
-Yeah.
238
00:14:11,559 --> 00:14:12,935
And he still doesn't want
to listen to you?
239
00:14:13,018 --> 00:14:13,894
We're getting married.
240
00:14:13,978 --> 00:14:15,896
-You're getting married?
-Yeah. And he still won't wear it.
241
00:14:15,980 --> 00:14:18,857
And he still won't wear it.
Fuck him. Let him die.
242
00:14:20,067 --> 00:14:22,194
Fuck him.
243
00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:24,405
Fuck him, dude.
244
00:14:24,488 --> 00:14:26,323
Fuck Dylan. Fuck Dylan.
245
00:14:26,407 --> 00:14:29,201
That's what it will say on his tombstone.
"Fuck Dylan."
246
00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:32,246
"Fuck Dylan. He should have been here."
He should have been here!
247
00:14:33,622 --> 00:14:35,165
Oh, shit!
248
00:14:35,249 --> 00:14:37,501
Dylan, it's done! It's done.
249
00:14:37,585 --> 00:14:40,963
She's getting ready to marry you.
Why are you embarrassed?
250
00:14:41,046 --> 00:14:43,257
This woman loves you.
She's giving you… Look at her.
251
00:14:43,340 --> 00:14:46,135
She's wearing your ring.
You're not dating anymore.
252
00:14:46,218 --> 00:14:48,596
It's not embarrassing.
If you were single, I'd get it.
253
00:14:48,679 --> 00:14:49,930
Because when I was single, I hated it.
254
00:14:50,014 --> 00:14:53,934
That shit…
Any potential of having a relationship,
255
00:14:54,018 --> 00:14:55,853
done, the minute
I put the goddamn mask on.
256
00:14:55,936 --> 00:14:57,438
It sucked!
257
00:14:57,521 --> 00:14:59,356
It got to the point
where I'd hook up with a chick
258
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:02,443
and when we were done, I'd be like,
"You've got to leave. Now."
259
00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:08,908
This one girl got mad, like,
"What the fuck? Seriously?"
260
00:15:08,991 --> 00:15:12,119
"You're going to have sex and you're goin'
kick me out? What am I? A fucking whore?"
261
00:15:12,202 --> 00:15:13,621
I was like, "No, no, no! That's not why."
262
00:15:13,704 --> 00:15:17,541
"It's just that I have to wear something,
to sleep.
263
00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:19,793
And it's embarrassing and I don't want
you to see that. That's all."
264
00:15:19,877 --> 00:15:22,254
"It's not that. Not at all. I like you.
I want to continue dating you."
265
00:15:22,338 --> 00:15:23,964
"It's just I've got to wear this thing."
266
00:15:24,048 --> 00:15:26,216
And she's like,
"Oh, my God! You scared me!"
267
00:15:27,718 --> 00:15:30,679
"Like, you really made me feel
like a whore!"
268
00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:34,475
"I like you!
You don't have to be embarrassed!"
269
00:15:34,558 --> 00:15:37,102
"I like you. That's why we took it
to the next level. Stop it!"
270
00:15:37,186 --> 00:15:38,145
"If you've got to wear something,
wear it."
271
00:15:38,228 --> 00:15:39,104
"Are you sure?"
272
00:15:39,188 --> 00:15:41,315
"Yes! Oh, my God!"
273
00:15:41,398 --> 00:15:44,401
"Stop! I like you.
What is it, Invisalign?"
274
00:15:50,199 --> 00:15:52,618
"It's way bigger than that."
275
00:15:53,494 --> 00:15:55,329
-"Well, I don't care! Put it on."
276
00:15:55,412 --> 00:15:56,163
"Are you sure?"
277
00:15:56,246 --> 00:15:59,166
"Yes! I like you! Wear it!"
278
00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:01,502
"All right…"
279
00:16:01,585 --> 00:16:03,671
I put that fucking thing on…
280
00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:21,271
I wake up the next morning. Bed, empty.
281
00:16:23,732 --> 00:16:26,568
Just a note that says,
"I didn't know you were Bane."
282
00:16:29,905 --> 00:16:32,491
So I'd get it, Dylan, if you were single!
But she loves you.
283
00:16:32,574 --> 00:16:34,118
-What's your name, hon?
-Erin.
284
00:16:34,201 --> 00:16:36,495
Erin. Erin loves you, Dylan!
285
00:16:36,578 --> 00:16:38,956
She doesn't give a shit you wear a mask.
She wants you to live. She's marrying you.
286
00:16:39,039 --> 00:16:41,959
She wants you here forever. So do I!
287
00:16:45,170 --> 00:16:46,588
So get the goddamn mask.
288
00:16:46,672 --> 00:16:49,341
If you were single…
Dude, there's other things
289
00:16:49,425 --> 00:16:52,052
that she's disgusted by with you.
290
00:16:52,678 --> 00:16:54,346
Believe me.
291
00:16:54,430 --> 00:16:56,098
Have you recorded him yet?
292
00:16:56,724 --> 00:16:58,308
-Yes.
-You have?
293
00:16:58,392 --> 00:17:02,354
He's seen it in 4K? Man, fuck this guy!
294
00:17:03,522 --> 00:17:06,358
My mom recorded me on a camcorder.
295
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,986
A camcorder!
296
00:17:09,069 --> 00:17:12,239
And there's probably kids in here
that are like, 14 or 13, going,
297
00:17:12,322 --> 00:17:14,199
"What the fuck is a camcorder?"
298
00:17:15,159 --> 00:17:17,578
You know that camera that's on your phone?
299
00:17:17,661 --> 00:17:20,247
That used to be a separate device!
300
00:17:20,330 --> 00:17:23,917
And it was huge! Huge, like…
301
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:36,138
Zoom, zoom, zoom.
302
00:17:36,221 --> 00:17:39,224
Zoom. Press zoom. Zoom.
303
00:17:49,151 --> 00:17:52,446
My mom recorded me on a camcorder.
304
00:17:52,529 --> 00:17:54,990
You know what I mean? Not 4K. An old…
305
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:58,702
This was like, in the late '90s
when she recorded me.
306
00:17:58,786 --> 00:18:00,162
And here's the thing.
307
00:18:00,245 --> 00:18:02,456
She recorded me at like three o'clock in
the morning when I was dead asleep.
308
00:18:02,539 --> 00:18:05,084
And the thing is with the camcorders
back then,
309
00:18:05,167 --> 00:18:07,961
you didn't need any lights
because there was an option, a button,
310
00:18:08,045 --> 00:18:09,338
that said "night vision."
311
00:18:10,464 --> 00:18:11,840
And my mom clicked that thing
and it was like,
312
00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:13,467
The Blair Witch Project.
313
00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:17,346
She was shooting a documentary,
like, "My son…
314
00:18:18,597 --> 00:18:20,891
My son says that he is snoring."
315
00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:25,145
"But he is not snoring. He's dying."
316
00:18:27,606 --> 00:18:29,066
"Let's take a closer look.
Come on. Let's go."
317
00:18:34,446 --> 00:18:36,115
You know what it is, Erin? I think
318
00:18:36,198 --> 00:18:41,578
Dylan needs to see it live,
to really experience it,
319
00:18:41,662 --> 00:18:44,206
because on the phone, no matter what…
You can watch anything on the phone
320
00:18:44,289 --> 00:18:48,460
and you're not really feeling the emotion
that Erin is feeling every night
321
00:18:48,544 --> 00:18:51,880
while she watches her fiancé wither away.
322
00:18:53,215 --> 00:18:56,135
So I'm going to do this, for Erin.
323
00:18:56,218 --> 00:18:57,678
We're going to role play.
324
00:18:57,761 --> 00:19:00,389
I'm gonna be Dylan.
You're gonna be Erin. You ready?
325
00:19:00,472 --> 00:19:03,851
This is what Erin sees
every fucking night. Feel it!
326
00:19:03,934 --> 00:19:06,061
Feel the emotion that she feels.
327
00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:07,855
-Get into character!
-Got it.
328
00:19:07,938 --> 00:19:11,191
Ready? This is you, every night.
This is how you sleep.
329
00:20:01,658 --> 00:20:03,702
Look! She went, "Yes!"
330
00:20:03,785 --> 00:20:06,788
Bro, you know, Dylan?
Your own hand tries to wake you up.
331
00:20:06,872 --> 00:20:09,416
Did you know that?
Your own hand is like…
332
00:20:21,178 --> 00:20:23,347
You know what you look like,
when you sleep?
333
00:20:23,430 --> 00:20:25,182
Swear to God, this is what you look like.
334
00:20:25,265 --> 00:20:27,893
You look like a ghost
335
00:20:27,976 --> 00:20:30,604
is cramming his dick in your mouth
336
00:20:31,271 --> 00:20:34,524
and you're just sucking ghost dick
all night, just…
337
00:20:40,197 --> 00:20:43,492
And Erin's like,
"Stop sucking that ghost dick!"
338
00:20:43,575 --> 00:20:47,663
"Dylan, stop sucking ghost dick, please!
Stop it!"
339
00:20:47,746 --> 00:20:49,164
And you're like…
340
00:20:53,627 --> 00:20:56,463
Just a line of ghosts
at the foot of your bed.
341
00:20:56,546 --> 00:20:58,298
-Just a line…
342
00:20:58,382 --> 00:21:00,384
And they're like, "Yo, he thinks
he's snoring. Come on! Two at a time!"
343
00:21:00,467 --> 00:21:01,760
He's like, "What the fuck?"
344
00:21:01,843 --> 00:21:04,805
"Yo, Dylan's a crazy little fucker.
Let's go!"
345
00:21:11,853 --> 00:21:14,356
"Three, three, three!" "Goddamn!"
346
00:21:14,898 --> 00:21:17,234
"Shit!"
347
00:21:17,317 --> 00:21:20,737
"Three dicks, Dylan? Stop!"
348
00:21:20,821 --> 00:21:22,531
"Stop sucking ghost dick!"
349
00:21:28,203 --> 00:21:29,746
You ever notice,
350
00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:32,624
Dylan, when you wake up in the middle
of the night, you wake up like this?
351
00:21:39,089 --> 00:21:40,507
Ghost Bukkake.
352
00:21:46,972 --> 00:21:51,727
I'm selling CPAP machines
at the merch booth.
353
00:21:55,939 --> 00:21:58,025
You know how funny that would be
354
00:21:58,108 --> 00:22:00,485
if I had CPAP machines at the merch booth?
355
00:22:00,569 --> 00:22:02,112
I'd be the only…
356
00:22:02,195 --> 00:22:05,490
I'd be the only entertainer
selling CPAP machines
357
00:22:05,574 --> 00:22:06,742
at the merch booth!
358
00:22:06,825 --> 00:22:10,370
That shit would be so hilarious.
Just people leaving my show like,
359
00:22:10,454 --> 00:22:14,082
"Not only was Jo Koy funny,
but I think he saved my life."
360
00:22:15,667 --> 00:22:17,085
"Thanks, Jo Koy."
361
00:22:26,428 --> 00:22:28,388
Got an infomercial.
362
00:22:30,557 --> 00:22:33,226
Got an infomercial.
Dylan, do my infomercial.
363
00:22:36,063 --> 00:22:38,065
"Hi. My name's Dylan."
364
00:22:43,487 --> 00:22:47,157
"Hi. My name's Dylan, and for years,
365
00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:51,995
I was addicted to sucking ghost dicks
at night."
366
00:22:52,079 --> 00:22:56,124
"I would tell my wife
that I was 'snoring.'"
367
00:22:59,669 --> 00:23:02,214
"But then I went to Jo Koy's comedy show
368
00:23:02,297 --> 00:23:04,758
and I bought a CPAP machine."
369
00:23:04,841 --> 00:23:08,887
"And guess what?
No more sucking ghost dick!"
370
00:23:13,391 --> 00:23:15,644
"But guess who's sucking dick now?"
371
00:23:16,895 --> 00:23:18,355
"Erin."
372
00:23:19,064 --> 00:23:20,607
"Thanks, Jo Koy!"
373
00:23:32,994 --> 00:23:36,581
Remember when we ran out of toilet paper?
374
00:23:38,542 --> 00:23:42,587
What the fuck kind of pandemic is this?
Ran out of toilet paper!
375
00:23:42,671 --> 00:23:46,383
I'd never seen humans turn into monsters!
376
00:23:46,466 --> 00:23:50,345
On the news, you just saw
people with shopping carts
377
00:23:50,428 --> 00:23:54,224
filled with rolls of toilet paper,
running to their car,
378
00:23:54,307 --> 00:23:56,768
and then someone right behind them,
chasing them, like,
379
00:23:56,852 --> 00:24:00,021
"My asshole is itchy too, bitch!"
380
00:24:02,899 --> 00:24:05,360
"What am I supposed to do
with my itchy asshole?"
381
00:24:05,443 --> 00:24:07,362
"Bitch!"
382
00:24:10,323 --> 00:24:12,033
It scared me.
383
00:24:12,701 --> 00:24:15,829
People beating up people for toilet paper,
like there was no other solution.
384
00:24:17,455 --> 00:24:19,791
My mom was ready
for a toilet paper shortage.
385
00:24:19,875 --> 00:24:22,794
She's been preparing
for that toilet paper shortage
386
00:24:22,878 --> 00:24:25,505
since the day she got to this country.
387
00:24:27,007 --> 00:24:28,633
When people ran out of toilet paper,
388
00:24:28,717 --> 00:24:31,178
my mom was like, "What is going on?
I don't understand."
389
00:24:31,261 --> 00:24:34,306
My mom has never run out of toilet paper!
390
00:24:34,389 --> 00:24:38,018
My mom can use one roll of toilet paper
for a year!
391
00:24:38,101 --> 00:24:39,769
A year!
392
00:24:39,853 --> 00:24:43,523
And I know there are women in here going,
"How the fuck is that possible?"
393
00:24:43,607 --> 00:24:46,818
I'll tell you how. This only goes
394
00:24:47,402 --> 00:24:49,821
to the women that aren't Filipino.
395
00:24:51,698 --> 00:24:53,909
I'm going to tell you a secret
that my mom does
396
00:24:53,992 --> 00:24:56,870
and the reason why she never
runs out of toilet paper.
397
00:24:56,953 --> 00:24:59,789
And this is only to the women
that aren't Filipino.
398
00:25:00,790 --> 00:25:03,126
When my mom pees,
399
00:25:03,210 --> 00:25:04,961
she doesn't wipe.
400
00:25:05,670 --> 00:25:07,172
Oh, I heard a woman right there go, "Ew!"
401
00:25:07,255 --> 00:25:09,758
Look. She's covering her mouth!
And she waved!
402
00:25:09,841 --> 00:25:11,927
Look! Right there in the jeans.
403
00:25:12,010 --> 00:25:13,511
Jean jacket. She went, "Ew!"
404
00:25:13,595 --> 00:25:15,764
Like, "Oh, my God!"
405
00:25:15,847 --> 00:25:17,641
"Oh, my God!" And then she went
like this. "Oh, that was me!"
406
00:25:17,724 --> 00:25:20,060
"That's… Ew! Ew!" Look at her!
407
00:25:21,645 --> 00:25:23,772
I'm going to tell you why.
What's your name?
408
00:25:23,855 --> 00:25:26,483
-Eileen.
-Eileen, let me tell you why,
409
00:25:26,566 --> 00:25:28,985
she doesn't use paper. All right, Eileen?
410
00:25:29,069 --> 00:25:30,946
Because she washes it with water.
411
00:25:31,029 --> 00:25:33,114
So ew you, bitch.
Don't you ever disrespect…
412
00:25:35,033 --> 00:25:38,161
my mom's pussy in Los Angeles!
413
00:25:38,245 --> 00:25:41,790
My mom's pussy is the cleanest pussy…
414
00:25:43,917 --> 00:25:45,377
in Los Angeles!
415
00:25:50,382 --> 00:25:51,341
And I take that back.
416
00:25:51,424 --> 00:25:54,177
I didn't mean it.
"Bitch" like in "term of endearment."
417
00:25:54,844 --> 00:25:56,221
I love you.
418
00:25:56,972 --> 00:26:00,141
I used to say the same thing, Eileen.
419
00:26:00,225 --> 00:26:02,978
I did. I used to be like,
"Mom, why don't you just wipe?"
420
00:26:03,061 --> 00:26:04,229
"Just wipe!"
421
00:26:04,312 --> 00:26:07,148
And my mom, quick! With the quickness!
422
00:26:07,232 --> 00:26:10,527
"You want me to just wipe?
You think that's clean, Joseph?"
423
00:26:11,528 --> 00:26:12,946
"I go pee-pee and then wipe,
424
00:26:13,029 --> 00:26:15,490
just wipe pee-pee all over my pekpek?"
425
00:26:17,575 --> 00:26:19,327
"That's clean to you, Joseph?"
426
00:26:19,411 --> 00:26:23,331
"Just pee-pee and then smear the pee-pee
all over the pekpek?"
427
00:26:24,207 --> 00:26:26,668
"And make it salty? Salty pekpek?"
428
00:26:28,128 --> 00:26:31,006
"I wash it, Joseph, with water!"
429
00:26:31,089 --> 00:26:33,049
-"Brand-new!"
430
00:26:33,675 --> 00:26:37,220
"Brand-new!"
431
00:26:38,430 --> 00:26:39,848
"Brand-new!"
432
00:26:41,891 --> 00:26:43,101
What?
433
00:26:43,184 --> 00:26:46,563
If you really think about it,
that's brilliant! She's right!
434
00:26:46,646 --> 00:26:50,025
Look at her. She was prepared.
Never ran out of toilet paper!
435
00:26:50,108 --> 00:26:52,944
And never had a salty pussy!
436
00:26:55,655 --> 00:26:58,783
Look. Women are agreeing. I see
some women going, "You know what? Yeah."
437
00:27:00,869 --> 00:27:02,871
It's a brilliant idea.
438
00:27:02,954 --> 00:27:06,458
Maybe one of those dog…
You know those portable dog dishes?
439
00:27:06,541 --> 00:27:08,501
The ones that fan out and you close it?
440
00:27:08,585 --> 00:27:11,338
It looks just like a little circle,
and then it pops up into this little…
441
00:27:12,088 --> 00:27:13,757
Maybe bring that around.
442
00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:17,594
That's what my mom has!
443
00:27:17,677 --> 00:27:20,638
It's a different version.
She calls it a tabo.
444
00:27:24,809 --> 00:27:25,977
It's a cup!
445
00:27:27,771 --> 00:27:30,857
There's a lot of people in here going,
"What's a tabo?"
446
00:27:30,940 --> 00:27:34,486
Especially the ones that aren't Filipino.
I'm going to tell you what a tabo is.
447
00:27:34,569 --> 00:27:36,112
A tabo can be anything.
448
00:27:37,989 --> 00:27:40,367
A coffee mug with a broken handle.
449
00:27:42,786 --> 00:27:45,872
An empty "I Can't Believe
It's Not Butter!" container.
450
00:27:47,791 --> 00:27:51,169
Or my mom's favorite:
A Super Big Gulp cup.
451
00:27:52,253 --> 00:27:55,215
"Because it holds 44 ounces
of water, Joseph!"
452
00:27:55,965 --> 00:27:58,301
"I can really clean it, huh?"
453
00:27:59,677 --> 00:28:02,055
And my mom's tabo sits in the same spot
454
00:28:02,138 --> 00:28:05,308
it always sat in
since the day she moved to this country.
455
00:28:05,392 --> 00:28:09,813
Between the shower and the toilet.
456
00:28:10,522 --> 00:28:14,401
That little area right there is called
"tabo lane."
457
00:28:16,486 --> 00:28:18,988
And that's where
my mom's special cup sits.
458
00:28:19,906 --> 00:28:22,283
And I know there are a lot of guys in here
that aren't Filipino going,
459
00:28:22,367 --> 00:28:24,411
"Why are you telling us this, Jo Koy?"
460
00:28:24,494 --> 00:28:26,162
Well, I'll tell you why.
461
00:28:26,246 --> 00:28:29,916
Say you start dating a Filipino chick
and things go well.
462
00:28:29,999 --> 00:28:32,836
You hook up one night
and you stay the night at her house.
463
00:28:32,919 --> 00:28:35,588
You wake up the next morning. You brush
your teeth, you're like, "I need a cup."
464
00:28:35,672 --> 00:28:37,715
Don't use that fucking cup.
465
00:28:41,803 --> 00:28:43,722
That cup is not for your mouth.
466
00:28:46,850 --> 00:28:51,187
Now, my mom and dad divorced
when I was about ten, eleven years old.
467
00:28:51,938 --> 00:28:55,400
There's four of us.
There's Robert, Rowena, Gemma and myself.
468
00:28:55,984 --> 00:28:59,696
Whatever my mom needed, she got. She was
the mother and father. I always said this.
469
00:28:59,779 --> 00:29:02,991
It didn't matter what she asked for.
You got it for her.
470
00:29:03,074 --> 00:29:04,868
You don't question her. You get it.
471
00:29:06,619 --> 00:29:08,496
And you listen to our mom.
472
00:29:09,080 --> 00:29:12,709
Here's the thing,
no matter what she asks for.
473
00:29:12,792 --> 00:29:16,838
Sometimes, my mom would go to the bathroom
474
00:29:16,921 --> 00:29:19,048
and forget to fill her tabo.
475
00:29:24,095 --> 00:29:26,264
And of course,
the youngest would have to fill it.
476
00:29:28,099 --> 00:29:29,267
It always…
477
00:29:29,934 --> 00:29:32,604
It always happened
when there were friends at the house.
478
00:29:33,730 --> 00:29:36,483
Just playing with my friends in the living
room and then all of a sudden I hear,
479
00:29:36,566 --> 00:29:37,984
"Joseph!"
480
00:29:39,527 --> 00:29:42,155
"Joseph!"
481
00:29:42,864 --> 00:29:45,200
And I can tell by the acoustics,
482
00:29:46,576 --> 00:29:49,162
that my mom forgot to fill her tabo.
483
00:29:49,245 --> 00:29:51,664
"Joseph!"
484
00:29:52,415 --> 00:29:54,334
"Joseph!"
485
00:29:54,417 --> 00:29:57,212
My friend would walk up to me.
"Why are you ignoring your mom?"
486
00:29:57,962 --> 00:30:00,048
And I'd be like, "You don't want to know
what the fuck she wants."
487
00:30:02,258 --> 00:30:03,718
"Now just shut up."
488
00:30:04,427 --> 00:30:06,763
"Joseph, I hear you!"
489
00:30:07,514 --> 00:30:08,681
"Fuck!"
490
00:30:09,682 --> 00:30:12,185
I'd walk so slow down that hallway…
491
00:30:14,562 --> 00:30:17,273
Open up that bathroom door
and there she is,
492
00:30:17,941 --> 00:30:19,692
sitting there with her tabo.
493
00:30:21,861 --> 00:30:23,571
"What took you so long?"
494
00:30:27,575 --> 00:30:29,702
"It's all dried-up already."
495
00:30:35,792 --> 00:30:37,836
"Fill that up for me!" "God!"
496
00:30:38,586 --> 00:30:40,797
I'd get so mad. "God!"
497
00:30:40,880 --> 00:30:44,384
"I'm too old for this, Mom!
I shouldn't be seeing this!"
498
00:30:44,467 --> 00:30:46,135
"I'm too old, Mom!"
499
00:30:47,762 --> 00:30:49,639
My mom would be like, "See what?"
500
00:30:51,140 --> 00:30:52,267
"Joseph."
501
00:30:53,268 --> 00:30:54,477
"Joseph."
502
00:30:57,438 --> 00:30:58,523
"Turn around."
503
00:30:59,732 --> 00:31:02,026
"Turn around. See what?"
504
00:31:03,653 --> 00:31:04,779
"This?"
505
00:31:07,031 --> 00:31:08,616
"You used to live here."
506
00:31:11,744 --> 00:31:15,790
"This was your old house
before we moved into this house."
507
00:31:15,874 --> 00:31:17,625
"Now help me clean your old house!"
508
00:31:20,128 --> 00:31:21,296
"God!"
509
00:31:22,547 --> 00:31:25,216
I'd fill that cup up
with freezing cold water…
510
00:31:27,427 --> 00:31:30,805
and run down the hallway.
My mom was screaming… "Joseph!
511
00:31:31,556 --> 00:31:33,224
It's freezing cold!"
512
00:31:34,350 --> 00:31:36,853
"You're going to give my pussy pneumonia!"
513
00:31:41,024 --> 00:31:44,027
My friend was like,
"You gave your mom's pussy pneumonia?"
514
00:31:49,782 --> 00:31:53,453
I mean, think about it. Think about it.
I mean, that's kind of cool.
515
00:31:53,536 --> 00:31:54,996
That's what I love about comedy.
516
00:31:55,079 --> 00:31:57,582
I can tell you about my culture,
517
00:31:57,665 --> 00:31:59,834
and you can relate to it
or you can't relate to it. That's fine.
518
00:31:59,918 --> 00:32:03,838
At least you get to hear about my life,
my story, and just hear, "Oh, goddamn."
519
00:32:06,549 --> 00:32:09,928
Have you ever noticed that Filipinos,
we love Black people?
520
00:32:11,846 --> 00:32:13,932
We love Black culture.
521
00:32:14,015 --> 00:32:16,184
You don't have to explain anything to us.
522
00:32:16,267 --> 00:32:19,062
We just get it.
It's almost like we're the same.
523
00:32:20,688 --> 00:32:23,608
The food… Have you seen our food?
It's like soul food.
524
00:32:24,651 --> 00:32:27,820
They have so much soul.
They sing. It's crazy!
525
00:32:27,904 --> 00:32:32,033
I think it's that Spanish that's in us.
The Spanish that's in us. That's why.
526
00:32:35,954 --> 00:32:37,872
And you know when there's Mexicans…
527
00:32:44,170 --> 00:32:45,922
You know when there's Mexicans…
528
00:32:46,005 --> 00:32:49,008
Out of all the Latinos, Mexicans are very…
529
00:32:49,676 --> 00:32:51,386
They're proud people, but…
530
00:32:55,181 --> 00:32:57,392
but they identify with Filipinos so much
531
00:32:57,475 --> 00:33:01,104
because of that Spanish blood
that we have.
532
00:33:02,105 --> 00:33:04,482
And that's why they come to my shows,
because they identify.
533
00:33:04,565 --> 00:33:06,567
They're like, "What the fuck?
They're just like us!"
534
00:33:08,695 --> 00:33:11,197
And they're in here. That's when
you know there's Mexicans in here.
535
00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:13,241
Once I say, "Mexicans…"
536
00:33:19,622 --> 00:33:21,249
They start whistling.
537
00:33:22,458 --> 00:33:24,419
And that's when you know
there's Mexicans in here,
538
00:33:25,086 --> 00:33:28,589
because no one whistles better
than Mexicans.
539
00:33:34,804 --> 00:33:37,390
Close your eyes.
It's like you're in a bird sanctuary.
540
00:33:41,644 --> 00:33:43,896
So beautiful!
541
00:33:43,980 --> 00:33:45,231
No one whistles like that.
542
00:33:51,696 --> 00:33:53,781
Each one distinct!
543
00:33:56,909 --> 00:33:59,162
Their kids know that whistle.
544
00:33:59,245 --> 00:34:03,041
They can lose their kids in the mall
and just whistle.
545
00:34:03,124 --> 00:34:05,501
"Papá? Papá!"
546
00:34:07,378 --> 00:34:12,091
"Papá! Papá! Papá!"
547
00:34:14,594 --> 00:34:15,928
"Papá!"
548
00:34:20,808 --> 00:34:23,686
I just want you to know, Mexicans,
549
00:34:24,979 --> 00:34:26,439
this is how similar we are.
550
00:34:28,024 --> 00:34:32,987
When the Spanish left the Philippines,
you left everything there.
551
00:34:33,071 --> 00:34:35,573
That's why we're the same.
You know what I mean?
552
00:34:35,656 --> 00:34:37,325
That's why we act the same.
They left everything there.
553
00:34:37,408 --> 00:34:39,577
Their culture's just like our culture.
554
00:34:39,660 --> 00:34:42,288
They do everything.
You guys work hard, we work hard.
555
00:34:46,000 --> 00:34:48,127
Fiesta? Fiesta!
556
00:34:50,171 --> 00:34:54,425
Mariachi? Karaoke! Same shit.
557
00:34:56,260 --> 00:34:58,262
No one really wants to hear it.
558
00:35:06,646 --> 00:35:08,856
But even our words are the same,
559
00:35:08,940 --> 00:35:11,818
because when you left,
you left your fucking words there,
560
00:35:11,901 --> 00:35:15,279
and we took them. You left them there,
so we fucking took them.
561
00:35:16,405 --> 00:35:17,657
But we changed it.
562
00:35:18,324 --> 00:35:21,119
We turned your curse words into desserts.
563
00:35:22,495 --> 00:35:25,706
So know that.
I want every Mexican to know that.
564
00:35:25,790 --> 00:35:28,292
If you have a Filipino co-worker,
just know
565
00:35:28,376 --> 00:35:31,754
we took your curse words
and turned them into desserts.
566
00:35:31,838 --> 00:35:33,089
So don't get mad,
567
00:35:33,172 --> 00:35:36,050
if that little tiny Filipino lady,
comes to the…
568
00:35:38,761 --> 00:35:42,306
comes to work one day
and walks into the break room
569
00:35:42,390 --> 00:35:45,351
with a tray of desserts
and walks up to you and goes,
570
00:35:45,434 --> 00:35:47,520
"Put this in your mouth, puto."
571
00:35:53,818 --> 00:35:57,363
Don't get mad.
"What the fuck did you call me?"
572
00:35:57,446 --> 00:36:00,992
Because I get it.
In your language, puto means "bitch."
573
00:36:01,075 --> 00:36:05,163
But in our language, it's a
delicious dessert with coconut on it,
574
00:36:05,246 --> 00:36:08,166
and she just wants you
to put it in your mouth,
575
00:36:08,249 --> 00:36:09,500
"puto."
576
00:36:20,678 --> 00:36:23,139
I'm selling putos out front.
577
00:36:23,848 --> 00:36:25,933
It's the craziest merch booth!
578
00:36:26,559 --> 00:36:28,477
CPAP machines,
579
00:36:29,103 --> 00:36:30,771
and tabos!
580
00:36:30,855 --> 00:36:34,275
It's basically all the cups
and empty water bottles you're not using.
581
00:36:34,358 --> 00:36:36,652
We're going to clean them out
and I'm going to sign them.
582
00:36:37,403 --> 00:36:39,447
Some of you
are going to drive home tonight.
583
00:36:39,989 --> 00:36:44,493
You're going to look at your wife and go,
"Maybe we should get a tabo."
584
00:36:48,331 --> 00:36:49,874
And I'm not saying it's dirty.
585
00:36:49,957 --> 00:36:53,169
That's not what I'm saying.
But like, sometimes, women,
586
00:36:53,252 --> 00:36:57,423
when you go to the bathroom, especially
tonight, like date night for some of you,
587
00:36:58,341 --> 00:37:01,385
and on date night,
you run to the bathroom real quick,
588
00:37:01,469 --> 00:37:02,720
and you don't want to miss the show,
589
00:37:02,803 --> 00:37:05,181
so you run back as fast as you can,
but you're peeing,
590
00:37:05,264 --> 00:37:08,684
so you hurry up. And here's the thing
about women when you pee and you wipe.
591
00:37:09,268 --> 00:37:12,146
I always thought the vagina was delicate,
592
00:37:12,813 --> 00:37:16,317
and fragile. But women don't give a…
593
00:37:17,443 --> 00:37:21,447
They don't give a fuck about…
like fuck, like…
594
00:37:21,530 --> 00:37:25,368
Like they wipe it like they're oiling
a catcher's mitt.
595
00:37:25,451 --> 00:37:27,828
Like, "Dry already, pussy! Let's go!"
596
00:37:30,581 --> 00:37:34,794
And then you run back to your seat.
"Did I miss anything?"
597
00:37:36,629 --> 00:37:39,131
"No, you didn't miss anything."
"Okay, good."
598
00:37:40,967 --> 00:37:43,594
And then the rest of the night goes great,
599
00:37:43,678 --> 00:37:46,389
and then you go home. Things go well.
600
00:37:46,472 --> 00:37:50,059
But you forgot what you did,
how aggressive you were.
601
00:37:50,935 --> 00:37:54,563
And a lot of you leave
little tiny treats down there.
602
00:37:56,732 --> 00:37:58,442
What? What?
603
00:37:58,526 --> 00:38:01,862
You do! Don't act like you don't know
what I'm talking about. Little tiny…
604
00:38:02,863 --> 00:38:04,615
Little tiny toilet paper nuggets.
605
00:38:06,367 --> 00:38:08,369
Little tiny fun treats.
606
00:38:09,787 --> 00:38:11,122
"Clitty litter."
607
00:38:13,165 --> 00:38:15,293
And it's there. You forgot!
608
00:38:16,168 --> 00:38:17,795
And now he goes down on you,
and he goes like this.
609
00:38:20,381 --> 00:38:24,218
And you're like, "What is it?"
And he goes, "Nothing!"
610
00:38:24,927 --> 00:38:27,096
Because we never say anything.
611
00:38:27,179 --> 00:38:30,057
We never say anything!
That's how much we love you.
612
00:38:30,141 --> 00:38:32,059
That's how much your man loves you.
613
00:38:32,143 --> 00:38:35,146
We're going to eat that fucking
toilet paper. We don't give a shit.
614
00:38:35,229 --> 00:38:38,316
Eat that shit. Eat it.
615
00:38:38,399 --> 00:38:40,401
It took us two weeks to go down on you.
616
00:38:40,484 --> 00:38:43,821
You think we're going to fuck it up
on a little tiny spitwad?
617
00:38:43,904 --> 00:38:47,241
Eat that shit! Some of them are big,
and we chew it, like…
618
00:38:48,993 --> 00:38:51,495
Spit it out, like…
All of us.
619
00:38:51,579 --> 00:38:55,416
Don't. Every guy in here knows what
I'm talking about. You eat it, you eat it…
620
00:38:55,499 --> 00:38:58,336
Dylan! Dylan will eat a whole goddamn roll
of toilet paper.
621
00:38:59,795 --> 00:39:02,590
Squeeze the
fucking Charmin right here.
622
00:39:08,554 --> 00:39:10,806
I'm not saying it's gross! It's fine.
623
00:39:10,890 --> 00:39:14,185
I'm not calling you out on it. It's okay!
624
00:39:14,268 --> 00:39:16,729
We eat it! It's there. Fuck it!
625
00:39:18,105 --> 00:39:20,441
Not like you guys. What do you do to us?
626
00:39:20,524 --> 00:39:22,443
They make us feel creepy.
627
00:39:22,526 --> 00:39:25,029
You guys make us feel so creepy.
One little piece of lint!
628
00:39:25,112 --> 00:39:27,948
One little piece of lint at the tip,
629
00:39:28,032 --> 00:39:30,284
and now the blow job's done.
630
00:39:30,368 --> 00:39:32,745
You fucking assholes!
631
00:39:32,828 --> 00:39:35,039
You just see it, like, "What the fuck?"
632
00:39:41,295 --> 00:39:43,255
"Suck your own dick. I can't!"
633
00:39:43,339 --> 00:39:47,385
-"I can't."
634
00:39:50,846 --> 00:39:55,267
My son's got it good. He doesn't have
to worry about filling a tabo for his mom.
635
00:39:55,935 --> 00:39:57,770
There's a bidet now.
636
00:39:57,853 --> 00:40:00,606
My son has a bidet. A dope bidet.
637
00:40:00,689 --> 00:40:03,984
You pee at night, the lid opens up.
It's like, lights turn on.
638
00:40:04,068 --> 00:40:07,696
"Pee here." It says it.
Like, "Come here. Pee." It talks.
639
00:40:08,489 --> 00:40:11,117
"Hey man, what's up? Come over here.
Pee in my mouth."
640
00:40:14,036 --> 00:40:16,205
That's the cool thing
about this generation.
641
00:40:16,288 --> 00:40:19,750
They've got everything.
They've got everything they need.
642
00:40:19,834 --> 00:40:22,378
They don't have to worry about the shit
that we had to go through.
643
00:40:22,461 --> 00:40:24,713
Fuck. They've got it good.
644
00:40:24,797 --> 00:40:27,967
I felt sorry for my mom.
Like, I don't know how my mom did it.
645
00:40:28,050 --> 00:40:31,137
I've got all the tools
to keep an eye on my son.
646
00:40:31,220 --> 00:40:33,639
I wish… if my mom had it… oh, my God.
647
00:40:35,057 --> 00:40:39,145
Like if I didn't come home when my mom
told me to come home, she'd go crazy.
648
00:40:39,228 --> 00:40:42,356
"Be home at ten. Please, Joseph.
Come home at ten."
649
00:40:42,440 --> 00:40:44,483
30. "Oh, my God!"
650
00:40:46,652 --> 00:40:49,238
"Oh, my God! Where is he?"
651
00:40:49,321 --> 00:40:52,241
"Someone kidnapped Joseph again!"
652
00:40:52,324 --> 00:40:54,827
"Someone kidnapped Joseph again."
653
00:40:54,910 --> 00:40:57,830
Which means I was kidnapped before.
654
00:40:59,540 --> 00:41:00,875
I was never kidnapped.
655
00:41:03,461 --> 00:41:05,754
With my son? "Find My Son" app.
656
00:41:05,838 --> 00:41:08,757
I press a button.
If he doesn't return my text…
657
00:41:08,841 --> 00:41:11,760
I'll text him five times.
"Hey, where are you?" Doesn't return.
658
00:41:11,844 --> 00:41:13,888
"Hey, answer your phone." Doesn't return.
659
00:41:13,971 --> 00:41:15,473
"Hey man, where are you?"
660
00:41:15,556 --> 00:41:17,641
I just press the "Find My Son" app
and a little emoji
661
00:41:17,725 --> 00:41:19,935
of my son is in front of 7-Eleven
like this.
662
00:41:22,813 --> 00:41:24,398
And I can go to sleep!
663
00:41:25,191 --> 00:41:27,485
The shit these kids have are amazing.
664
00:41:27,568 --> 00:41:30,696
And you've got to tell them
how good they've got it.
665
00:41:30,779 --> 00:41:34,408
They can download a movie in less than
five minutes. Less than that. A minute!
666
00:41:34,492 --> 00:41:38,579
4K, they can watch a movie. You've got
to tell them how hard we had it,
667
00:41:38,662 --> 00:41:40,498
what we had to do for the new movie.
668
00:41:40,581 --> 00:41:43,501
"New Release Tuesdays"
at Blockbuster Video.
669
00:41:45,294 --> 00:41:49,256
Where they promised you a 100 copies
of Jurassic Park,
670
00:41:49,340 --> 00:41:51,967
and you got there early
and you ran up to that display wall
671
00:41:52,051 --> 00:41:55,012
and you flipped every cover, and it said,
"Out of stock, out of stock,
672
00:41:55,095 --> 00:41:57,723
out of stock, out of stock." "Fuck!"
673
00:41:58,557 --> 00:41:59,808
Then you ran up to the counter.
674
00:41:59,892 --> 00:42:02,061
"Did anyone return Jurassic Park?"
675
00:42:03,604 --> 00:42:06,190
And then he goes, "No, but we have some
coming in, in two hours."
676
00:42:06,273 --> 00:42:09,193
"I'll wait!" And you fucking stood there
by the counter.
677
00:42:09,276 --> 00:42:12,488
And you looked out that window
where the return drop was, like a nerd,
678
00:42:12,571 --> 00:42:13,822
just scouting.
679
00:42:15,407 --> 00:42:18,494
Then you'd see people dropping covers in,
680
00:42:18,577 --> 00:42:20,704
and you'd try to read them real fast.
681
00:42:20,788 --> 00:42:24,041
You saw one go in. It had letters J and U.
You were like, "Oh! I think that was…"
682
00:42:24,124 --> 00:42:26,460
"Sir! I think he just dropped
Jurassic Park!"
683
00:42:26,544 --> 00:42:29,296
"I saw a J and a U! I'm pretty sure
that was Jurassic Park!"
684
00:42:29,380 --> 00:42:32,091
"I've been here four hours. Please!"
685
00:42:32,174 --> 00:42:33,384
And the guy's like, "Here you go, buddy.
686
00:42:33,467 --> 00:42:36,136
And you're like, "Thank you so much. Yes!"
687
00:42:36,220 --> 00:42:38,806
Then you look at it and you're like,
"Jumanji? I don't want this!"
688
00:42:44,436 --> 00:42:46,188
Kid's got it good!
689
00:42:48,148 --> 00:42:51,735
You know, I drink bottles…
I drink this bottled water,
690
00:42:51,819 --> 00:42:54,488
and it started… 9.5 pH is the one
691
00:42:54,572 --> 00:42:57,408
that was sold to me, by my son.
692
00:42:57,491 --> 00:42:59,451
This is this generation.
This is how good they've got it.
693
00:43:00,119 --> 00:43:02,913
I'm paying like, five dollars a bottle.
What the fuck am I doing?
694
00:43:03,497 --> 00:43:06,542
Because one day my son
came home from school.
695
00:43:06,625 --> 00:43:09,587
It was like the fourth grade.
I don't know what grade.
696
00:43:09,670 --> 00:43:12,423
He was really young, and he came back
with a note from the teacher that said,
697
00:43:12,506 --> 00:43:15,968
"Can you please pack bottled waters
for your son?"
698
00:43:16,051 --> 00:43:19,013
"Three bottles, if you don't mind, because
we're shutting off the water fountains."
699
00:43:19,096 --> 00:43:22,516
I was like, "What?"
They said, "Preferably 9.5 pH."
700
00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:24,476
"Give them healthier water."
701
00:43:24,560 --> 00:43:27,479
I was like,
"Joe, what is this 9.5 pH water?"
702
00:43:27,563 --> 00:43:29,982
He said, "Oh, they want us to drink
9.5 pH water."
703
00:43:30,065 --> 00:43:32,568
"It's healthier water for us.
It's really healthy."
704
00:43:32,651 --> 00:43:35,738
"What does pH stand for, Joe?"
He goes, "Perfect hydration."
705
00:43:35,821 --> 00:43:37,114
I go, "What?"
706
00:43:41,535 --> 00:43:45,914
This fucker doesn't even know what it is.
We both don't know.
707
00:43:45,998 --> 00:43:49,001
I go, "Why are they turning off the water
fountains, Joe? What is this all about?"
708
00:43:49,084 --> 00:43:52,421
He goes,
"Oh, there's fluoride in the water
709
00:43:52,504 --> 00:43:56,800
and it's not good for you, so they're
shutting off all the water fountains,
710
00:43:56,884 --> 00:43:59,345
because there's fluoride in the water."
711
00:43:59,428 --> 00:44:01,430
I go, "Joe, you don't brush your teeth."
712
00:44:04,933 --> 00:44:06,477
"You should drink all of that water."
713
00:44:11,857 --> 00:44:13,859
Fluoride in the water!
714
00:44:13,942 --> 00:44:17,321
They're turning off all the water
fountains at the school. Shut them off!
715
00:44:17,404 --> 00:44:19,823
I had to start buying bottled waters
716
00:44:19,907 --> 00:44:23,243
for these kids. What the fuck?
We drank out of that water fountain!
717
00:44:23,327 --> 00:44:25,704
I think I came out all right. I think.
718
00:44:26,330 --> 00:44:27,581
I think a lot of us did.
719
00:44:27,665 --> 00:44:29,541
We enjoyed water fountain moment.
You remember that?
720
00:44:29,625 --> 00:44:32,878
That minute when each class
had to come out?
721
00:44:32,961 --> 00:44:34,338
Each class got to come out
722
00:44:34,421 --> 00:44:37,132
and they'd line up, single-file line,
in front of that water fountain,
723
00:44:37,216 --> 00:44:40,886
and each kid got ten seconds
to drink as much water as he could.
724
00:44:40,969 --> 00:44:43,847
And all the other kids would count.
"One one-thousand,
725
00:44:43,931 --> 00:44:45,391
two one-thousand,
726
00:44:45,474 --> 00:44:48,102
three one-thousand, four one-thousand…"
727
00:44:48,185 --> 00:44:49,937
And that kid's mouth is going…
728
00:44:52,606 --> 00:44:56,902
"Four one-thousand, five one-thousand,
six one-thousand…"
729
00:44:58,946 --> 00:45:01,782
"Seven one-thousand, eight one-thousand…"
730
00:45:04,284 --> 00:45:06,495
That fucking kid was struggling!
731
00:45:08,330 --> 00:45:13,419
Because the plumber that installed the
fountain put the water pressure so low,
732
00:45:13,502 --> 00:45:16,463
it was barely dribbling over that nipple!
733
00:45:16,547 --> 00:45:18,590
And he was just sucking it, licking it!
734
00:45:18,674 --> 00:45:20,843
How healthy was that shit?
735
00:45:22,052 --> 00:45:23,262
Sucking…
736
00:45:25,013 --> 00:45:27,516
And what was that green crusty shit?
737
00:45:28,308 --> 00:45:31,437
What the fuck was that? COVID-14?
738
00:45:37,860 --> 00:45:40,404
These kids don't even know what a hose is!
739
00:45:41,238 --> 00:45:44,074
They don't know what a hose is.
That was our bottled water!
740
00:45:44,158 --> 00:45:46,034
You rode around for five hours.
741
00:45:46,118 --> 00:45:48,579
You looked at your friend.
"You guys thirsty?" "Yeah!"
742
00:45:49,538 --> 00:45:52,624
And you pulled up to any house,
743
00:45:52,708 --> 00:45:54,710
any house with a hose in the front lawn.
744
00:45:54,793 --> 00:45:58,255
That was communal!
Anyone got to use that shit.
745
00:45:58,338 --> 00:45:59,965
Public property!
746
00:46:01,008 --> 00:46:04,052
And you ran. We fucking ran! We all ran.
747
00:46:04,136 --> 00:46:06,805
Who would get the hose first?
"I got it first!"
748
00:46:06,889 --> 00:46:09,600
That kid thought he won, but he didn't!
749
00:46:09,683 --> 00:46:12,603
Because he has no idea that there's water
in the middle of the hose
750
00:46:12,686 --> 00:46:15,481
that boiled up to 450 degrees!
751
00:46:18,025 --> 00:46:20,694
Now he's about to get a mouthful of lava.
"Turn it on!"
752
00:46:29,828 --> 00:46:34,500
These kids don't even know what a hose is!
They don't know what a hose is!
753
00:46:34,583 --> 00:46:36,710
I asked my son the other day.
I go, "Joe, do you know what a hose is?"
754
00:46:36,793 --> 00:46:39,546
He's like, "Those bitches
at the club, Dad?" I'm like, "Joe…"
755
00:46:53,101 --> 00:46:54,686
They've got it so good.
756
00:46:56,188 --> 00:46:58,440
I love it though. I will say this.
757
00:46:58,524 --> 00:47:02,945
I do love this digital era
that we live in,
758
00:47:03,028 --> 00:47:05,030
the stuff that we have. I love it.
759
00:47:05,113 --> 00:47:08,200
It's easier to raise a kid, you know?
760
00:47:08,283 --> 00:47:10,661
His mommy and I have been divorced
for a long time,
761
00:47:10,744 --> 00:47:14,331
but we're close, and we're great parents
because of these tools.
762
00:47:14,414 --> 00:47:16,500
You know what I mean? Because of FaceTime,
763
00:47:16,583 --> 00:47:19,461
because of camera apps and all that,
we can keep an eye on him.
764
00:47:19,545 --> 00:47:22,047
And we work together as a team. I love it!
765
00:47:25,342 --> 00:47:28,428
She lives right down the street from me.
She's got all the codes to my house.
766
00:47:28,512 --> 00:47:30,889
She's got all the… Whatever I need.
If he stays at my place
767
00:47:30,973 --> 00:47:32,474
and I'm on the road,
I can just FaceTime her
768
00:47:32,558 --> 00:47:34,726
and she'll go over and take care
of whatever I need to take care of.
769
00:47:34,810 --> 00:47:38,188
Yo, it's the best situation. I love it.
770
00:47:38,272 --> 00:47:40,983
But here's the thing.
No matter how many tools we have,
771
00:47:41,066 --> 00:47:42,776
teenagers will be teenagers.
772
00:47:43,735 --> 00:47:46,822
He's doing the same fucked-up shit
I was doing when I was a kid.
773
00:47:46,905 --> 00:47:48,198
And he doesn't care!
774
00:47:48,282 --> 00:47:51,326
He thinks he's getting away with it.
I don't understand how.
775
00:47:51,410 --> 00:47:54,705
He knows I've got all these cameras.
He doesn't give a shit!
776
00:47:55,581 --> 00:47:58,959
Perfect example. I was going
to Connecticut. This was when he was 15.
777
00:47:59,042 --> 00:48:00,752
I was going to Connecticut,
778
00:48:00,836 --> 00:48:04,923
and I told my son. I go, "Joe, look.
I'm going to Connecticut, all right?"
779
00:48:05,007 --> 00:48:08,093
"And if you throw a party,
I'm going to know."
780
00:48:08,176 --> 00:48:09,553
"So don't throw a party."
781
00:48:09,636 --> 00:48:11,722
And my son goes,
"Dad, I'm not going to throw a party."
782
00:48:11,805 --> 00:48:14,891
I go, "Joe, just listen to me.
Don't throw a party, okay?"
783
00:48:14,975 --> 00:48:18,854
"Don't do it." He goes,
"Dad, I'm not going to throw a party."
784
00:48:18,937 --> 00:48:20,188
"I promise. I won't invite anybody."
785
00:48:20,272 --> 00:48:23,942
I go, "Listen to me. Just hear me out.
If you throw a party, Joe,
786
00:48:24,026 --> 00:48:26,737
and one of your friends
jumps into the pool
787
00:48:26,820 --> 00:48:29,781
and breaks their fucking neck,
788
00:48:29,865 --> 00:48:31,450
they're going to sue me,
789
00:48:31,533 --> 00:48:33,994
and everything I've worked so hard for,
790
00:48:34,077 --> 00:48:36,997
to give to you when I leave this earth,
791
00:48:37,914 --> 00:48:39,791
is going to go to dipshit Dave…
792
00:48:41,335 --> 00:48:43,879
because he dove into the shallow end
at two o'clock in the morning
793
00:48:43,962 --> 00:48:45,297
with the lights off."
794
00:48:45,380 --> 00:48:47,424
"Do you want to give everything
to dipshit Dave?"
795
00:48:47,507 --> 00:48:51,762
He said, "No, Dad! Don't worry about it."
I go, "Promise me." "I promise!"
796
00:48:52,387 --> 00:48:53,847
I go to Connecticut.
797
00:48:53,930 --> 00:48:56,475
Five o'clock in the morning
my time in Connecticut
798
00:48:56,558 --> 00:48:58,769
that means it's two o'clock
in the morning in LA.
799
00:48:58,852 --> 00:49:01,438
This is what I wake up to.
800
00:49:06,193 --> 00:49:08,945
It's my camera app. I open it.
801
00:49:09,029 --> 00:49:10,697
Kids,
802
00:49:10,781 --> 00:49:13,367
walking from the house to the pool.
803
00:49:18,789 --> 00:49:20,499
"Fucking asshole!"
804
00:49:20,582 --> 00:49:23,043
"You fucking asshole!"
805
00:49:23,126 --> 00:49:25,337
"Fuck! You liar!"
806
00:49:25,420 --> 00:49:27,839
"How many fucking kids?"
807
00:49:31,301 --> 00:49:32,928
"Fuck!"
808
00:49:33,011 --> 00:49:35,597
The last kid that walked past the camera
was my son.
809
00:49:35,681 --> 00:49:37,099
This is how he walked past the camera.
810
00:49:47,067 --> 00:49:48,318
I FaceTimed his mom.
811
00:49:57,744 --> 00:50:00,288
"Hello." You're not going to
believe what the fuck your son's doing.
812
00:50:00,372 --> 00:50:02,582
"Oh, my God. What the fuck is he doing?"
"He's throwing a goddamn party!"
813
00:50:02,666 --> 00:50:03,667
"What? He said he was asleep."
814
00:50:03,750 --> 00:50:05,836
"He's not the fuck asleep! He's throwing
a party and they're jumping in the pool."
815
00:50:05,919 --> 00:50:08,255
"What the fuck?"
"I know! What the fuck, right?"
816
00:50:08,338 --> 00:50:10,257
"And you know what I told him?"
"What did you tell him?"
817
00:50:10,340 --> 00:50:12,467
"I told him if one of those kids
jumps in the pool,
818
00:50:12,551 --> 00:50:14,136
they're going to break their neck.
And guess what? They're going to sue me."
819
00:50:14,219 --> 00:50:15,762
"Yeah, I know that!"
"And guess what? When they sue me…"
820
00:50:15,846 --> 00:50:18,140
"What? What about it?"
"If they sue me, no money for you!"
821
00:50:18,223 --> 00:50:20,308
She's like, "What the fuck?"
I go, "What the fuck?"
822
00:50:22,978 --> 00:50:24,896
She goes, "Let's go!"
I go, "Let's fucking go!"
823
00:50:26,231 --> 00:50:30,402
So we got in her car.
She put me into the passenger seat.
824
00:50:32,571 --> 00:50:34,948
"Your son's a fucking asshole." "I know!"
825
00:50:36,575 --> 00:50:38,326
I reach for the seatbelt.
826
00:50:40,579 --> 00:50:42,247
We pull up the driveway.
All the lights go off.
827
00:50:42,914 --> 00:50:45,625
All the kids leave.
She walks right up to the front door.
828
00:50:45,709 --> 00:50:47,627
"Open up the door!"
829
00:50:47,711 --> 00:50:51,173
"Joe! Open up the fucking door!"
830
00:50:52,007 --> 00:50:55,177
He opens the door.
He acts like he just woke up.
831
00:50:59,014 --> 00:51:02,392
"We know you weren't sleeping.
Plus your feet are wet."
832
00:51:04,811 --> 00:51:06,396
"I can't believe you threw a party."
833
00:51:06,480 --> 00:51:08,648
"Your dad's so pissed." "What are
you talking about, 'Dad's pissed?'"
834
00:51:08,732 --> 00:51:11,651
"Your dad is fucking pissed."
"What do you mean, 'Dad's pissed?'"
835
00:51:11,735 --> 00:51:13,945
"Your dad is pissed."
836
00:51:57,823 --> 00:51:59,825
The phone was still hooked up
to the Bluetooth.
837
00:52:04,496 --> 00:52:07,707
I was yelling at the front seat
for 15 fucking minutes.
838
00:52:12,170 --> 00:52:14,923
This is my fourth special with Netflix.
839
00:52:21,847 --> 00:52:23,056
But I'm going to tell you,
840
00:52:23,139 --> 00:52:25,809
it's a love-hate relationship
with Netflix.
841
00:52:25,892 --> 00:52:27,727
I'm going to say, I love them to death.
842
00:52:27,811 --> 00:52:29,104
It's my fourth one.
843
00:52:29,187 --> 00:52:32,524
But that first one? They didn't
give it to me! They didn't give me it!
844
00:52:32,607 --> 00:52:35,485
And they're in here!
All the execs are in here. I see you!
845
00:52:37,237 --> 00:52:38,947
And I love them! I love them for it.
846
00:52:39,656 --> 00:52:41,783
But they didn't know
I'm cut from a different cloth.
847
00:52:41,867 --> 00:52:44,744
If you're going to tell me no, I'm going
to show you why you need to say yes.
848
00:52:50,250 --> 00:52:53,378
So when you watch Live from Seattle,
my first Netflix special,
849
00:52:53,461 --> 00:52:57,007
just know Netflix said no to me
several times
850
00:52:57,090 --> 00:52:59,634
and I had to pay for that shit myself!
851
00:53:04,723 --> 00:53:06,683
Paid for it. All of it.
852
00:53:06,766 --> 00:53:10,520
All in. Everything that I worked for
since 1989
853
00:53:10,604 --> 00:53:13,023
went into that special. Broke!
854
00:53:13,106 --> 00:53:16,693
Upstairs in the green room,
crying to my agent and my manager.
855
00:53:16,776 --> 00:53:19,070
-"This is fucked up!"
856
00:53:19,154 --> 00:53:21,031
My son asleep on the couch.
857
00:53:21,114 --> 00:53:24,200
"This is fucked up!
Why do I have to pay for my special?"
858
00:53:24,284 --> 00:53:27,996
"I've got guys opening for me. They've got
a special. I don't get a fucking special?"
859
00:53:28,830 --> 00:53:32,375
And my agent and my manager were like,
"Fucking kill it. We'll handle business."
860
00:53:32,459 --> 00:53:36,171
"Just go out there and do
what you do best." I was like…
861
00:53:36,254 --> 00:53:39,633
"Coming to the stage, Jo Koy!"
And I walked out like I didn't cry.
862
00:53:39,716 --> 00:53:41,134
"Hi, everyone."
863
00:53:43,136 --> 00:53:44,679
Not only did they say no to me,
864
00:53:44,763 --> 00:53:46,806
but when they found out I was shooting it,
865
00:53:46,890 --> 00:53:49,643
they called my agent and my manager
about two days prior
866
00:53:49,726 --> 00:53:52,604
and they go, "Hey, we heard Jo Koy
is shooting his own special."
867
00:53:52,687 --> 00:53:56,107
"We just want you to know
we really don't want it."
868
00:53:59,027 --> 00:54:01,029
What the fuck?
869
00:54:01,780 --> 00:54:03,406
They really said that!
870
00:54:03,490 --> 00:54:06,743
That's the kind of pressure… like, what?
871
00:54:06,826 --> 00:54:09,746
The one network I want
to pay for this special
872
00:54:09,829 --> 00:54:12,123
and they're telling me right now,
"We don't want it."
873
00:54:12,207 --> 00:54:13,583
I haven't even shot it yet!
874
00:54:15,251 --> 00:54:17,629
I just got all these cameras!
875
00:54:19,339 --> 00:54:21,800
Didn't stop me. You still do it.
876
00:54:21,883 --> 00:54:24,469
Fucking barefoot!
No matter what the obstacle is.
877
00:54:30,016 --> 00:54:32,519
I'm sorry I turned this into a TED Talk.
878
00:54:34,896 --> 00:54:38,566
I don't want to sit here and talk
about my mom's pussy for 15 minutes
879
00:54:38,650 --> 00:54:41,111
and then motivate you.
880
00:54:41,194 --> 00:54:43,405
I'm just saying,
sometimes you need to hear struggle
881
00:54:43,488 --> 00:54:45,115
to success.
882
00:54:45,198 --> 00:54:47,575
For every successful story,
there's a lot of struggle.
883
00:54:50,370 --> 00:54:52,205
And don't let anyone shit on your dreams!
884
00:54:52,288 --> 00:54:53,957
I'm not saying Netflix shit on my dreams,
885
00:54:54,040 --> 00:54:55,959
but it was my dream
and you weren't going to say no to me.
886
00:54:56,042 --> 00:54:57,335
I was going to die trying.
887
00:54:57,419 --> 00:54:59,462
I was broke when I shot that shit!
888
00:54:59,546 --> 00:55:02,298
Cut it up myself, edited it up myself.
889
00:55:02,382 --> 00:55:05,468
I became an editor, a producer.
I did all that! Wore all the hats.
890
00:55:05,552 --> 00:55:07,595
Then I cut it up
and I brought it to Netflix.
891
00:55:07,679 --> 00:55:09,806
I was like,
"I know you guys said no to me…
892
00:55:11,850 --> 00:55:14,728
but can you please look at it
one more time?"
893
00:55:16,479 --> 00:55:18,189
I put that thing on their desk.
894
00:55:18,273 --> 00:55:21,776
They called me an hour later.
"Don't shop it anywhere else. We want it."
895
00:55:21,860 --> 00:55:23,445
That's the story.
896
00:55:27,032 --> 00:55:29,242
I know we live in a hard time right now.
897
00:55:29,325 --> 00:55:31,536
And I know we all hear the same thing,
898
00:55:31,619 --> 00:55:34,330
that, "Oh, you know,
it's not fair for everybody,"
899
00:55:34,414 --> 00:55:37,042
and blah-blah, and a lot of you are like,
"Oh, fuck that. Stop it."
900
00:55:37,125 --> 00:55:39,377
"It's 2022."
901
00:55:39,461 --> 00:55:41,629
"Stop it. That's a lame excuse."
No, it's not!
902
00:55:41,713 --> 00:55:45,008
Not all of us get the same shake
that you did.
903
00:55:45,091 --> 00:55:47,302
Not all of us get to be heard.
904
00:55:47,385 --> 00:55:49,679
Not all of us get the fair shake.
905
00:55:49,763 --> 00:55:51,848
Like, some of us have to do
a little bit extra,
906
00:55:51,931 --> 00:55:53,266
and you've got to be aware of that.
907
00:55:53,349 --> 00:55:56,311
Just know that.
It's not easy for all of us.
908
00:55:59,439 --> 00:56:01,649
There's a lot of voices in here
that need to be heard,
909
00:56:01,733 --> 00:56:04,194
and we don't get an opportunity
like you do sometimes.
910
00:56:04,277 --> 00:56:06,863
So just understand that.
It's not easy for all of us.
911
00:56:06,946 --> 00:56:08,740
And I will tell you this one story,
912
00:56:08,823 --> 00:56:12,869
this is to promote Live from Seattle.
Let me tell you how hard it was for me.
913
00:56:12,952 --> 00:56:16,456
And this just happened in 2016,
so it wasn't that long ago.
914
00:56:16,539 --> 00:56:18,958
But here's the story I want to tell you
about Live from Seattle.
915
00:56:19,042 --> 00:56:21,294
I was put on a show to help promote it.
916
00:56:21,377 --> 00:56:23,338
And I'm not going to tell you
the name of that show.
917
00:56:24,714 --> 00:56:26,633
I submitted the routine,
918
00:56:26,716 --> 00:56:30,595
and this is the note I got back
for the routine. Just hear me out.
919
00:56:30,678 --> 00:56:34,140
The note was,
"We love the routine, Mr. Koy,
920
00:56:34,224 --> 00:56:37,060
but can you drop the joke
with the accent?"
921
00:56:37,143 --> 00:56:39,479
And I didn't understand that.
922
00:56:39,562 --> 00:56:42,357
I was a little taken aback.
I was like, "What the fuck?"
923
00:56:42,440 --> 00:56:44,609
"You mean the joke about my mom?"
924
00:56:45,735 --> 00:56:47,612
"Because the joke isn't her accent."
925
00:56:47,695 --> 00:56:50,031
"The joke is about a mom being a mom."
926
00:56:50,115 --> 00:56:54,744
"She speaks English. She lives in America.
And she watches your show."
927
00:56:54,828 --> 00:56:58,248
"But you don't want her voice to be heard
on that show?"
928
00:56:58,331 --> 00:57:01,835
Taken aback. That's 2016.
929
00:57:01,918 --> 00:57:04,712
That's when that happened.
All I wanted to know is,
930
00:57:04,796 --> 00:57:06,172
this is what I said to myself,
931
00:57:06,256 --> 00:57:08,842
did Jeff Foxworthy get the same note?
932
00:57:13,429 --> 00:57:16,599
And I'm not dissing Jeff Foxworthy.
I love Jeff Foxworthy!
933
00:57:16,683 --> 00:57:20,645
But did he get the same note?
Because he has an accent.
934
00:57:20,728 --> 00:57:23,189
He's American. He speaks English.
935
00:57:23,273 --> 00:57:26,151
But I don't know the difference
between Jeff Foxworthy going,
936
00:57:26,234 --> 00:57:28,319
"Hey, what would y'all like
for breakfast?"
937
00:57:28,403 --> 00:57:31,448
or my mom going, "Hey,
what would you like for breakfast?"
938
00:57:31,531 --> 00:57:33,825
I don't hear anything different
but systemic racism,
939
00:57:33,908 --> 00:57:37,328
and that's what I'm saying!
Not all of us get the same…
940
00:57:45,420 --> 00:57:47,338
Not all of us get that…
941
00:58:01,102 --> 00:58:04,731
I'm just saying,
not all of us get the same shake.
942
00:58:05,732 --> 00:58:07,400
So just know that.
943
00:58:07,484 --> 00:58:10,153
There's a lot of voices in here
that need to be heard.
944
00:58:10,236 --> 00:58:13,448
A lot of us. There's a lot of us.
945
00:58:14,866 --> 00:58:16,576
And I'm glad I did that.
946
00:58:16,659 --> 00:58:20,580
Because after that, I got
the next special. I got Comin' in Hot.
947
00:58:20,663 --> 00:58:22,665
"Where do you want to go?"
"I want to go to Hawaii."
948
00:58:23,917 --> 00:58:27,212
"I want to show more about us Filipinos
and other cultures on top of that."
949
00:58:27,295 --> 00:58:30,840
"Where do you want to go for the third
one?" "Let me go to the Philippines."
950
00:58:33,676 --> 00:58:34,636
It wasn't even a special!
951
00:58:34,719 --> 00:58:38,556
"I just want to do one thing
where I can donate an hour,
952
00:58:38,640 --> 00:58:41,976
an hour of air time,
dedicated to my mom's culture."
953
00:58:42,060 --> 00:58:44,687
"I've been talking about it
and making jokes and having fun with it."
954
00:58:44,771 --> 00:58:47,899
"But now let me show the world
what Filipinos look like,
955
00:58:47,982 --> 00:58:49,859
what Filipinos eat,
956
00:58:51,277 --> 00:58:54,197
what the Philippines looks like."
957
00:58:54,280 --> 00:58:56,157
I wanted to give Filipinos an opportunity,
958
00:58:56,241 --> 00:58:58,368
because I knew how hard it was for me
to get through the door,
959
00:58:58,451 --> 00:58:59,410
so now I'm going to do it.
960
00:59:00,036 --> 00:59:03,122
I'm going to help Filipinos that live
in the Philippines get some limelight.
961
00:59:03,206 --> 00:59:04,791
I'm going to help some Filipinos
that live in America
962
00:59:04,874 --> 00:59:07,835
to go to the Philippines
and show their talent.
963
00:59:07,919 --> 00:59:09,629
That's all I want to do.
964
00:59:09,712 --> 00:59:12,382
Because that's what Filipinos do.
When one gets through the door,
965
00:59:12,465 --> 00:59:14,342
we let all of them
go through the fucking door.
966
00:59:20,515 --> 00:59:21,641
Look at us!
967
00:59:22,475 --> 00:59:24,060
Look at us!
968
00:59:25,395 --> 00:59:28,106
We're all laughing at the same shit!
969
00:59:28,731 --> 00:59:31,317
Turn the lights off
and we're all the same color.
970
00:59:31,401 --> 00:59:34,279
But when we turn the lights on,
all of a sudden, we separate ourselves,
971
00:59:34,362 --> 00:59:37,198
and that shit is ignorant,
so fucking stop.
972
00:59:37,282 --> 00:59:38,741
That's all.
973
00:59:42,412 --> 00:59:43,871
I'm glad I got to shoot that there.
974
00:59:43,955 --> 00:59:46,291
I'm glad I went to the Philippines
and shot that.
975
00:59:46,374 --> 00:59:48,084
I'm glad I got to dedicate one hour,
976
00:59:48,167 --> 00:59:51,462
so that way people can see
how beautiful our food is and our people,
977
00:59:51,546 --> 00:59:54,591
and see that we speak English.
You know how that helps tourism?
978
00:59:54,674 --> 00:59:56,676
There are so many people that I bump into
and they go,
979
00:59:56,759 --> 00:59:59,053
"Oh, we're going to go to Asia,
somewhere in Asia, for a vacation."
980
00:59:59,137 --> 01:00:02,557
I'm like, "Go to the Philippines."
"Oh, I don't know. What's that all about?"
981
01:00:02,640 --> 01:00:04,225
But now they know!
982
01:00:04,309 --> 01:00:06,769
They can see that hour and they're like,
"Oh, fuck! Maybe we should go."
983
01:00:06,853 --> 01:00:08,938
"Holy shit! They speak English there?
Let's go!"
984
01:00:11,149 --> 01:00:13,192
You know how dope that is,
to go to the Philippines?
985
01:00:13,276 --> 01:00:15,612
You can get lost in the Philippines
and someone will help.
986
01:00:15,695 --> 01:00:18,406
You can tap anyone on the shoulder
987
01:00:18,489 --> 01:00:20,700
and they will talk to you in English
and get you to where you need.
988
01:00:20,783 --> 01:00:23,703
If you go to Korea and get lost in Korea,
guess what?
989
01:00:23,786 --> 01:00:25,997
You're lost in fucking Korea!
990
01:00:27,665 --> 01:00:30,501
You're going to be walking around
for an hour looking for Starbucks
991
01:00:30,585 --> 01:00:33,212
and end up in North Korea. You deserve it!
992
01:00:33,296 --> 01:00:35,214
You should've went to the Philippines!
993
01:00:40,136 --> 01:00:42,138
If you get lost in the Philippines
looking for Starbucks,
994
01:00:42,221 --> 01:00:45,266
you can tap anybody. "Excuse me.
Do you know how to get to Starbucks?"
995
01:00:45,350 --> 01:00:47,435
"Do you know how I can get to Starbucks?"
Right away,
996
01:00:47,518 --> 01:00:49,646
"Yes, I can get you to…"
997
01:00:49,729 --> 01:00:50,938
"I love Starbucks! My God!"
998
01:00:51,022 --> 01:00:54,025
"My favorite is the Mocha Frappuccino!"
999
01:00:54,108 --> 01:00:57,654
"I love Starbucks!"
1000
01:00:58,821 --> 01:01:01,783
Now, the directions are going to be weird.
1001
01:01:01,866 --> 01:01:04,160
They don't have mile markers like we do.
1002
01:01:04,243 --> 01:01:07,830
They don't have the same kind of streets.
But they're going to get you there.
1003
01:01:07,914 --> 01:01:11,084
There are going to be landmarks, certain
types of roads that will get you there.
1004
01:01:11,167 --> 01:01:13,002
You just have to pay attention!
1005
01:01:13,086 --> 01:01:15,421
"All right. Listen closely, okay?"
1006
01:01:15,505 --> 01:01:18,007
"This is going to get you to Starbucks."
1007
01:01:18,091 --> 01:01:19,926
"What I need you to do…"
1008
01:01:20,009 --> 01:01:23,971
"What I need you to do
is go down this gravel road,
1009
01:01:24,055 --> 01:01:26,849
for about, say…
1010
01:01:26,933 --> 01:01:28,476
three songs."
1011
01:01:33,356 --> 01:01:36,359
"Pick any song, but three of them, max."
1012
01:01:38,361 --> 01:01:43,700
"On that third song, look for
a yellow truck with only two wheels."
1013
01:01:44,867 --> 01:01:48,538
"When you see that truck with two wheels,
make a left turn."
1014
01:01:49,664 --> 01:01:55,878
"Walk down that road, say about…
my God, say… eh…
1015
01:01:56,754 --> 01:01:58,297
11 seconds."
1016
01:02:02,009 --> 01:02:04,762
"And right around the 11th second,
1017
01:02:04,846 --> 01:02:07,974
a dog will run past you real fast."
1018
01:02:08,057 --> 01:02:11,227
"Follow that dog.
It goes to Starbucks all the time."
1019
01:02:23,448 --> 01:02:26,409
I'm friends with Tommy Lee
from Mötley Crüe.
1020
01:02:29,078 --> 01:02:31,664
I don't know if he's here, but…
I don't know.
1021
01:02:31,748 --> 01:02:33,833
But I'll tell you this story.
1022
01:02:33,916 --> 01:02:37,253
And the reason I'm telling you this story
is because when In His Elements came out,
1023
01:02:37,336 --> 01:02:41,048
my special from the Philippines,
he calls me.
1024
01:02:41,132 --> 01:02:43,676
And this is what Tommy says to me.
He was like this.
1025
01:02:43,760 --> 01:02:45,219
"Hey, bro."
1026
01:02:45,928 --> 01:02:48,723
"I just watched In His Elements,
1027
01:02:48,806 --> 01:02:51,392
and I just want you to know,
it was fucking rad."
1028
01:02:53,352 --> 01:02:55,772
Don't ask me why Tommy Lee sounds
like Keanu Reeves
1029
01:02:55,855 --> 01:02:58,024
from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure.
1030
01:02:59,150 --> 01:03:03,070
That's just how Tommy talks,
and I love it.
1031
01:03:03,154 --> 01:03:04,489
"Hey, bro."
1032
01:03:04,572 --> 01:03:07,867
"I just want you to know I saw
In His Elements. It was fucking rad."
1033
01:03:07,950 --> 01:03:10,661
I go, "Thanks, Tommy."
"Yeah, no problem, Jo."
1034
01:03:10,745 --> 01:03:12,872
"But I just wanted to…
1035
01:03:12,955 --> 01:03:14,957
I just want to ask you a quick question."
1036
01:03:15,041 --> 01:03:17,585
I go, "What is it, Tommy?" He goes, "Um,
1037
01:03:18,586 --> 01:03:20,463
when you were telling your jokes,
1038
01:03:21,214 --> 01:03:25,551
did you have to tell them when to laugh,
or when to clap?"
1039
01:03:26,552 --> 01:03:29,931
I go, "No, Tommy.
They speak fluent English
1040
01:03:30,014 --> 01:03:34,101
in the Philippines,
and they love American entertainment."
1041
01:03:34,185 --> 01:03:36,521
"They got all the jokes."
"No shit?" "Yeah!"
1042
01:03:36,604 --> 01:03:38,314
"Oh. That's fucking rad!"
1043
01:03:40,316 --> 01:03:45,655
I go, "Tommy, Mötley Crüe has been
touring the world for over 45 years."
1044
01:03:45,738 --> 01:03:47,990
"You guys never went to the Philippines?"
1045
01:03:48,074 --> 01:03:49,700
"Not once."
1046
01:03:50,451 --> 01:03:53,746
I go, "Why not?"
"Didn't think they'd understand us."
1047
01:03:55,581 --> 01:03:59,836
I go, "Tommy,
not only would they understand you,
1048
01:03:59,919 --> 01:04:02,171
but they sing your songs better than you."
1049
01:04:10,388 --> 01:04:12,265
"Just ask Journey."
1050
01:04:17,353 --> 01:04:19,605
And I know there's people in here going,
"Wait a minute."
1051
01:04:19,689 --> 01:04:21,732
"Steve Perry's Filipino?"
1052
01:04:22,608 --> 01:04:26,696
Steve Perry hasn't sung for Journey
for over 40 years!
1053
01:04:26,779 --> 01:04:28,197
The lead singer of Journey
1054
01:04:28,281 --> 01:04:31,450
is a little tiny karaoke king
named Arnel Pineda.
1055
01:04:33,452 --> 01:04:36,664
Tiny! He sounds incredible.
1056
01:04:36,747 --> 01:04:38,416
Talk about a dream!
1057
01:04:38,499 --> 01:04:41,711
Talk about crushing any type of obstacle
in front of him!
1058
01:04:41,794 --> 01:04:43,504
That's the shit right there.
1059
01:04:43,588 --> 01:04:46,841
If you want motivation in life,
follow Arnel Pineda.
1060
01:04:46,924 --> 01:04:51,470
This guy lives in a third-world country
wanting to be a rock'n'roll star.
1061
01:04:54,140 --> 01:04:58,019
I don't want to hear people go, "It's hard
here. The opportunities are hard here."
1062
01:04:58,102 --> 01:04:59,562
Follow that!
1063
01:04:59,645 --> 01:05:00,980
Follow that blueprint right there!
1064
01:05:01,063 --> 01:05:04,483
I'm not saying… Hey, look. I know it's
hard for all of us. But I'm just saying,
1065
01:05:04,567 --> 01:05:07,028
that's a fucking incredible story.
1066
01:05:07,862 --> 01:05:11,741
I want to make a made-for-TV movie.
1067
01:05:11,824 --> 01:05:14,493
I want to write, like, a four-part series
and sell it to Netflix,
1068
01:05:14,577 --> 01:05:16,579
and you better fucking buy it this time!
1069
01:05:20,791 --> 01:05:23,294
Because I'm going to win an Emmy!
1070
01:05:23,377 --> 01:05:25,338
I'm going to win an Emmy for it!
1071
01:05:29,467 --> 01:05:30,968
I'm going to win an Emmy!
1072
01:05:31,052 --> 01:05:33,512
And I already know the scene
that's going to win me that Emmy,
1073
01:05:33,596 --> 01:05:36,807
because I'm going to write it.
It's going to be brilliant.
1074
01:05:36,891 --> 01:05:40,019
Just Arnel singing his ass off
at a karaoke club.
1075
01:05:40,102 --> 01:05:42,647
Then his mom walks in. "Arnel!"
1076
01:05:43,856 --> 01:05:45,566
"What are you doing here,
1077
01:05:46,317 --> 01:05:48,736
singing and dancing like that?
1078
01:05:48,819 --> 01:05:50,821
You should be in nursing school!"
1079
01:05:54,533 --> 01:05:58,454
"But Mother, I do not want to be a nurse!"
1080
01:05:58,537 --> 01:06:00,957
"I want to be a rock'n'roll star!"
1081
01:06:01,040 --> 01:06:03,834
"You cannot be a rock'n'roll star!
You're Filipino!"
1082
01:06:04,710 --> 01:06:08,381
"There's nurses in this family, huh?"
1083
01:06:08,464 --> 01:06:09,507
"None of us are rock 'n' roll stars!"
1084
01:06:09,590 --> 01:06:12,760
"But I am the only one blessed
with a beautiful voice,
1085
01:06:12,843 --> 01:06:15,846
and I want to pursue my dream,
as a rock 'n' roll star!"
1086
01:06:15,930 --> 01:06:17,556
"You cannot be a rock 'n' roll star!"
1087
01:06:17,640 --> 01:06:19,850
"You're going to be a nurse,
like the rest of us in this family!"
1088
01:06:19,934 --> 01:06:22,186
"I don't want to be a nurse!"
"You're going to be a nurse!"
1089
01:06:22,269 --> 01:06:23,354
"I don't want to be a nurse!"
1090
01:06:23,437 --> 01:06:25,439
"You're going to be a nurse!"
1091
01:06:26,232 --> 01:06:28,109
And then his father walks in.
1092
01:06:28,192 --> 01:06:31,946
"Okay, all right, all right.
Enough of all this bickering."
1093
01:06:37,284 --> 01:06:39,328
"Sorry I'm late, Arnel."
1094
01:06:40,079 --> 01:06:43,416
"I was giving someone
directions to Starbucks."
1095
01:06:49,130 --> 01:06:50,256
"Honey,
1096
01:06:51,132 --> 01:06:53,134
if Arnel wants to be a rock 'n' roll star,
1097
01:06:53,217 --> 01:06:56,012
my God, let him be a rock 'n' roll star!"
1098
01:06:57,388 --> 01:06:59,390
"We have enough nurses in this family."
1099
01:07:01,058 --> 01:07:04,979
"But I'm just concerned for him,
after I leave this earth!"
1100
01:07:05,062 --> 01:07:08,441
"I might have not done my job as a mother,
1101
01:07:08,524 --> 01:07:12,737
because I didn't guide my son
in the right direction."
1102
01:07:14,405 --> 01:07:17,575
"Now he doesn't have benefits
or anything."
1103
01:07:18,367 --> 01:07:20,453
"Stop it. My God."
1104
01:07:21,120 --> 01:07:25,291
"Let him pursue his dream.
He has a beautiful voice!"
1105
01:07:25,374 --> 01:07:28,044
"And if anything happens to him
when we are gone,
1106
01:07:28,127 --> 01:07:30,880
we have plenty of nurses in this family."
1107
01:07:31,839 --> 01:07:33,924
"So what do you say, honey?"
1108
01:07:34,008 --> 01:07:37,178
"Let him pursue his dream. Come on!"
1109
01:07:38,054 --> 01:07:39,180
"You are right."
1110
01:07:40,514 --> 01:07:41,807
"Arnel,
1111
01:07:42,475 --> 01:07:46,187
pursue your dream
and be a rock 'n' roll star."
1112
01:07:46,270 --> 01:07:49,774
"Thank you, Mother. Thank you so much."
1113
01:07:51,400 --> 01:07:52,735
"There you have it."
1114
01:07:52,818 --> 01:07:56,030
"Your mother and I are giving you
our blessings."
1115
01:07:56,113 --> 01:07:58,199
"Now, Arnel, pursue your dream."
1116
01:07:58,282 --> 01:07:59,492
"Thank you, Father."
1117
01:07:59,575 --> 01:08:01,118
"You're welcome, son."
1118
01:08:01,202 --> 01:08:04,121
"Now get up on that stage
and show us what you've got."
1119
01:08:04,205 --> 01:08:05,915
"I will, Father."
1120
01:08:05,998 --> 01:08:08,542
"Arnel!" "Yes, Father?"
1121
01:08:08,626 --> 01:08:09,627
"Arnel,
1122
01:08:09,710 --> 01:08:13,130
just promise me one thing
when you pursue your dream."
1123
01:08:13,214 --> 01:08:14,715
"What is it, Father?"
1124
01:08:17,968 --> 01:08:19,887
"Don't stop believin'."
1125
01:08:31,649 --> 01:08:35,027
That's an Emmy! Say that's not an Emmy!
1126
01:08:35,111 --> 01:08:38,739
That's a fucking great Emmy,
and I better get one for it!
1127
01:08:38,823 --> 01:08:41,492
I mean, what did we learn from that story?
1128
01:08:41,575 --> 01:08:46,122
One, pursue your dream, no matter
how hard or what the boundaries are.
1129
01:08:46,205 --> 01:08:48,833
Conquer all and you can make it!
That's a beautiful story.
1130
01:08:48,916 --> 01:08:53,337
But on the other note, what a beautiful
love story between the parents,
1131
01:08:54,296 --> 01:08:56,215
to talk it out!
1132
01:08:56,298 --> 01:08:58,425
That's the key to a great relationship.
1133
01:08:58,509 --> 01:08:59,677
We'll learn that,
1134
01:08:59,760 --> 01:09:02,138
that if you talk it out, things will work.
1135
01:09:02,763 --> 01:09:05,182
If you talk,
that's the key to a relationship.
1136
01:09:05,266 --> 01:09:08,769
And that's another thing we're going
to learn from this fucking movie.
1137
01:09:10,980 --> 01:09:14,567
Look at all the relationships that end
because no one talks!
1138
01:09:14,650 --> 01:09:18,487
They hate to talk, and when you don't
talk, that's when a relationship ends.
1139
01:09:18,571 --> 01:09:21,657
And you know who hates talking? Guys!
1140
01:09:21,740 --> 01:09:23,868
Because women love to talk.
1141
01:09:26,412 --> 01:09:27,496
Just talk!
1142
01:09:27,580 --> 01:09:31,208
And if you don't want to talk to her
at that moment, then talk to somebody.
1143
01:09:31,292 --> 01:09:32,459
Not everybody.
1144
01:09:32,543 --> 01:09:35,629
Don't talk to your best friend.
That's going to end the relationship too.
1145
01:09:35,713 --> 01:09:38,799
Your best friend hated her.
1146
01:09:39,675 --> 01:09:41,260
He's been waiting for you to break up.
1147
01:09:41,886 --> 01:09:45,431
"You're not goin' believe what she did."
"I know. You don't have to tell me shit."
1148
01:09:46,932 --> 01:09:49,476
"She's always been that way, dude!"
1149
01:09:50,644 --> 01:09:53,606
What kind of advice is that?
"She's always been that way, dude!"
1150
01:09:53,689 --> 01:09:56,442
"I didn't even tell you."
"You don't fucking need to, bro!"
1151
01:09:57,860 --> 01:10:01,197
Don't listen to that guy.
Get the fuck away from him.
1152
01:10:01,280 --> 01:10:05,534
Go to someone that doesn't know
you or her. Get a therapist!
1153
01:10:05,618 --> 01:10:09,288
Pay for it! One hundred and ten dollars
for the hour.
1154
01:10:09,371 --> 01:10:13,626
Let that doctor figure it out.
Why, you'll enjoy it too.
1155
01:10:13,709 --> 01:10:16,295
Walk into that room. Every guy
will enjoy that 110 bucks. "Here."
1156
01:10:16,378 --> 01:10:18,714
"Listen to what this bitch did."
1157
01:10:24,261 --> 01:10:26,305
An hour, you just talk.
1158
01:10:26,388 --> 01:10:28,057
Then your doctor looks at it and goes,
1159
01:10:28,140 --> 01:10:30,726
"All right. I looked at everything, and,
1160
01:10:30,809 --> 01:10:31,936
you're wrong."
1161
01:10:33,979 --> 01:10:35,564
"Now go home and apologize."
1162
01:10:36,649 --> 01:10:38,359
"Okay. Thank you."
1163
01:10:39,526 --> 01:10:41,320
That's what therapy does!
1164
01:10:41,403 --> 01:10:43,906
That's why when people laugh
at therapy, I get mad.
1165
01:10:43,989 --> 01:10:47,034
You need therapy. We all need therapy!
1166
01:10:47,117 --> 01:10:50,120
There's nothing wrong with that.
Don't be embarrassed of that shit.
1167
01:10:51,330 --> 01:10:54,208
And don't laugh at someone when they say
they're going to therapy.
1168
01:10:54,291 --> 01:10:56,126
"Oh, he's going to therapy?
He must be crazy!"
1169
01:10:56,210 --> 01:10:57,920
That's fucked up!
1170
01:10:58,003 --> 01:11:00,839
No one's crazy for getting therapy!
We're all crazy!
1171
01:11:00,923 --> 01:11:03,425
All of us in here are fucking crazy!
1172
01:11:03,509 --> 01:11:06,887
You're crazy, you're crazy,
you're crazy, you're crazy.
1173
01:11:06,971 --> 01:11:10,307
We're all fucking crazy!
Don't act like you're not crazy.
1174
01:11:10,391 --> 01:11:13,560
You ever walk by yourself down the street
and look across the street
1175
01:11:13,644 --> 01:11:16,397
and see another person walking
by themselves, talking to themselves?
1176
01:11:16,480 --> 01:11:20,901
You say this to yourself: "Look at that
crazy motherfucker talking to himself!"
1177
01:11:20,985 --> 01:11:23,988
-Who the fuck are you talking to?
1178
01:11:24,780 --> 01:11:27,324
You're walking by yourself
1179
01:11:27,408 --> 01:11:31,787
and you told yourself to look
at something you're already looking at!
1180
01:11:31,870 --> 01:11:34,206
You crazy motherfucker!
1181
01:11:38,335 --> 01:11:42,506
Talk! It feels good! Work it out. Talk!
1182
01:11:42,589 --> 01:11:45,509
Guys hate it, though.
We'll fucking fight to the end.
1183
01:11:46,385 --> 01:11:48,137
"Are you going to talk to me or what?"
1184
01:11:48,220 --> 01:11:51,557
"No. You know what happened.
You're just acting like you don't know."
1185
01:11:52,725 --> 01:11:54,977
"Now you're trying to make me say.
You know what the fuck you did."
1186
01:11:55,060 --> 01:11:58,731
"No, I don't know what the fuck I did!
That's why I'm asking you!"
1187
01:11:58,814 --> 01:12:02,359
"Well, if you have to ask me,
then fuck it. Nothing happened."
1188
01:12:02,443 --> 01:12:04,236
"Nothing fucking happened!"
1189
01:12:06,655 --> 01:12:09,116
"I'm just mad for no fucking reason!"
1190
01:12:09,199 --> 01:12:10,909
"I just chose to be fucking mad!"
1191
01:12:10,993 --> 01:12:13,912
"Oh, my God. You're fucking crazy!"
1192
01:12:13,996 --> 01:12:15,956
"You're fucking crazy!"
"No, you're crazy!"
1193
01:12:16,040 --> 01:12:20,002
"No, you're crazy!
I'm trying to talk to you like an adult."
1194
01:12:20,085 --> 01:12:21,962
"If you don't say anything,
then I'm not going to know."
1195
01:12:22,046 --> 01:12:24,214
"So tell me, what the fuck did I do?"
1196
01:12:24,298 --> 01:12:27,092
"If you don't know, then fuck it."
"Oh, my God!"
1197
01:12:27,176 --> 01:12:28,510
"Just tell me something!"
1198
01:12:28,594 --> 01:12:30,721
"Oh, are you going to act like this?"
"Yeah! Just tell me."
1199
01:12:30,804 --> 01:12:33,766
"So you really want to know? You really
want to know what the fuck happened?"
1200
01:12:33,849 --> 01:12:35,809
"Yeah, I want to know."
"You really want to know?"
1201
01:12:35,893 --> 01:12:39,396
"Yes! Tell me! Tell me, baby. What?"
1202
01:12:39,480 --> 01:12:42,358
"What the fuck did I do? What?"
1203
01:12:45,194 --> 01:12:48,155
"When he said I was sucking ghost dick,
and everyone was laughing,
1204
01:12:48,238 --> 01:12:51,158
and you didn't say anything!
I don't suck ghost dick, bitch!"
1205
01:12:51,241 --> 01:12:53,494
"I don't suck ghost dick, bitch!"
1206
01:12:54,870 --> 01:12:57,247
I love you guys. Thank you so much, guys.
1207
01:12:58,457 --> 01:13:01,585
Los Angeles, California!
1208
01:13:01,668 --> 01:13:07,883
Give it up one more time for Jo Koy!
1209
01:13:32,825 --> 01:13:36,578
I've got to share this moment
with my one-and-only right now,
1210
01:13:36,662 --> 01:13:38,914
my son! Bring my son out real quick.
1211
01:13:41,291 --> 01:13:45,087
We lived right down the street
when I was working at Nordstrom Rack.
1212
01:13:45,170 --> 01:13:47,423
This right here is my right hand!
1213
01:14:19,163 --> 01:14:21,999
Subtitle translation by: Antoinette Smit