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365
00:16:30,572 --> 00:16:32,366
-And I was like, "What? What?"
-[crowd groans]

366
00:16:32,449 --> 00:16:35,744
Like, "Are you gonna measure
my skull next too, you weirdo?"

367
00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:37,037
"Put the calipers away."

368
00:16:37,121 --> 00:16:41,125
Like, you can't say shit like that
to somebody in 2022. That's weird.

369
00:16:41,208 --> 00:16:44,086
And it's doubly weird, 'cause I hadn't
sent him pictures of my face yet,

370
00:16:44,169 --> 00:16:45,462
only of my asshole.

371
00:16:45,546 --> 00:16:49,258
So which eye shape
are you referring to, Detective Pikachu.

372
00:16:49,341 --> 00:16:50,634
Get out of here.

373
00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:53,095
[scattered laughs, applause]

374
00:16:53,178 --> 00:16:55,139
Outrageous.

375
00:16:55,681 --> 00:16:57,641
Now, that is a joke
because I actually have never

376
00:16:57,725 --> 00:17:00,769
successfully taken a picture
of that part of my body. Umâ€¦

377
00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:02,896
Not because I don't want to,
but it seems complicated.

378
00:17:02,980 --> 00:17:06,316
I feel like I'd need scaffolding
and a team to get it done.

379
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:09,611
You know? Like, taking a hole pic
by yourself is so dark.

380
00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:11,780
Like, just squatting over
your front-facing camera.

381
00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:14,366
You know? Like, no, no, no, no, no, no.

382
00:17:14,450 --> 00:17:18,495
Like, God bless the men in our community
who can do it successfully alone.

383
00:17:18,579 --> 00:17:21,707
Like, I actually, thoughâ€¦
I did receive a hole pic recently,

384
00:17:21,790 --> 00:17:25,711
and the man somehow got his hole
and his whole face in the picture.

385
00:17:25,794 --> 00:17:27,129
[crowd laughs, applauds]

386
00:17:27,212 --> 00:17:28,839
That's not what you wanna see.

387
00:17:28,922 --> 00:17:32,217
Just, like, their hole and their dead eyes
just in the background.

388
00:17:32,301 --> 00:17:36,722
Just sort of, like, looking like a raccoon
caught on security footage.

389
00:17:36,805 --> 00:17:37,806
[crowd laughs]

390
00:17:38,390 --> 00:17:40,350
No. No, no, no, no.

391
00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:41,727
Not for me.

392
00:17:41,810 --> 00:17:43,395
Now, that's not to sayâ€¦ I haveâ€¦

393
00:17:43,479 --> 00:17:46,648
Obviously, I'm a millennial.
I've taken several nudes.

394
00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:49,485
Um, dozens. Hundreds of nudes, probably.

395
00:17:49,568 --> 00:17:51,862
I'm constantly taking pictures
of my naked body

396
00:17:51,945 --> 00:17:54,656
and sending them out
with reckless abandon.

397
00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:58,077
Um, 'cause I've been
so irresponsible about it, uh,

398
00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:01,121
last Christmas, on literal Christmas Eveâ€¦

399
00:18:01,205 --> 00:18:02,081
[laughs]

400
00:18:02,164 --> 00:18:05,667
â€¦I found out
that all my nudes leaked online.

401
00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:09,338
Yeah, I know. I can see some of you
reaching for your phone right now. Umâ€¦

402
00:18:09,421 --> 00:18:11,632
No, it happened, and, like, I was upset.

403
00:18:11,715 --> 00:18:15,135
Obviously, I was, uh, angry.
I felt violated.

404
00:18:15,219 --> 00:18:19,098
Um, but then I found out they were put
on a website for male "celebrity" nudes,

405
00:18:19,181 --> 00:18:21,975
and I was like, "They can stay."
You know? Likeâ€¦

406
00:18:22,893 --> 00:18:24,812
"They can stay." You know? Likeâ€¦

407
00:18:24,895 --> 00:18:27,523
Leave them up until New Year's.
Let the kids have some fun.

408
00:18:27,606 --> 00:18:29,817
It's been a hard two years,
you know? Likeâ€¦

409
00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:32,236
Then I looked at the comments,
and all the reviews were good.

410
00:18:32,319 --> 00:18:34,196
So I was like, "What the fuck do I care?"

411
00:18:34,279 --> 00:18:36,365
I don't even send nudes anymore.
I just send the link.

412
00:18:36,448 --> 00:18:37,533
You know? Just likeâ€¦

413
00:18:37,616 --> 00:18:39,159
[crowd laughs]

414
00:18:39,243 --> 00:18:44,206
Cut out the middleman. It's way easier.
It is so, so much easier.

415
00:18:44,289 --> 00:18:46,583
Um, I love, obviously, to send a dick pic.

416
00:18:46,667 --> 00:18:49,336
I know we're divided as a nation
right now on dick pics.

417
00:18:49,419 --> 00:18:51,046
Um, but I love to send them.

418
00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:54,049
Um, I will say I've gotten
a couple of weird responses back

419
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:55,425
to my dick pics before.

420
00:18:55,509 --> 00:18:59,096
Like I sent out a dick pic recently,
and the guy sent back, "Nice."

421
00:18:59,179 --> 00:19:00,556
[crowd laughs]

422
00:19:00,639 --> 00:19:01,682
"Got a fresh one?"

423
00:19:01,765 --> 00:19:02,724
[laughs]

424
00:19:02,808 --> 00:19:03,976
And I was like, "A fresh one?"

425
00:19:04,059 --> 00:19:06,270
What do you want me to do?
Hold a newspaper next to it,

426
00:19:06,353 --> 00:19:08,230
like it's a kidnapping victim? Likeâ€¦

427
00:19:08,313 --> 00:19:11,108
It's my dick.
It's not fucking Patty Hearst. Likeâ€¦

428
00:19:11,775 --> 00:19:13,986
What are we doing here, you know?

429
00:19:14,653 --> 00:19:17,698
I've received a great many dick pics
in my lifetime.

430
00:19:17,781 --> 00:19:20,784
I'veâ€¦ I've probably seen upwards
of thousands at this point.

431
00:19:20,868 --> 00:19:23,412
Um, I feel like
an anthropologist, honestly.

432
00:19:23,495 --> 00:19:25,622
I feel like the Jane Goodall of dicks.

433
00:19:25,706 --> 00:19:27,332
-Umâ€¦
-[man] Yeah!

434
00:19:27,416 --> 00:19:30,043
And I feel qualified at this point

435
00:19:30,127 --> 00:19:33,088
to make this observation
about men and their penises,

436
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:35,007
which is, umâ€¦ Which is this.

437
00:19:35,090 --> 00:19:39,469
It's that most men in this world
are obsessed with the size of their penis,

438
00:19:40,095 --> 00:19:41,889
but they forget

439
00:19:41,972 --> 00:19:45,017
that their penis
can also be terribly ugly too,

440
00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:47,644
which is a bigger issue
in the grand scheme of things.

441
00:19:47,728 --> 00:19:49,062
'Cause have you seen an ugly dick?

442
00:19:49,146 --> 00:19:51,023
The last thing
you want it to be is bigger.

443
00:19:51,106 --> 00:19:55,068
Nobody is putting
a magnifying lens on that thing.

444
00:19:55,152 --> 00:19:56,361
[crowd cheers, applauds]

445
00:19:56,445 --> 00:19:59,615
Like, "Oh, that penis looks like
a tree branch caught in a fence."

446
00:19:59,698 --> 00:20:01,074
Like, "What happened to that?"

447
00:20:01,158 --> 00:20:03,243
"Oh, that penis over there?
It got struck by lightning,

448
00:20:03,368 --> 00:20:05,537
fell over sideways,
and kept on growing." You know?

449
00:20:05,621 --> 00:20:07,831
"A real miracle of nature.
Shouldn't exist, but it does."

450
00:20:07,915 --> 00:20:10,834
"People bury their dead pets underneath,
and they come alive at night!"

451
00:20:10,918 --> 00:20:12,920
[crowd laughing]

452
00:20:13,754 --> 00:20:15,297
It's a miracle, really.

453
00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:19,927
But no, I doâ€¦ I do think a little bit

454
00:20:20,010 --> 00:20:24,598
that sometimes Asian fetishes
are sort of based in racism.

455
00:20:24,681 --> 00:20:27,851
Like, I do sometimes think it's racist
if you have an Asian fetish.

456
00:20:27,935 --> 00:20:31,271
But I do think it's doubly racist
if you have an Asian fetish

457
00:20:31,355 --> 00:20:35,067
and you're not attracted to me,
specifically. You know, <i>that</i> really hurts.

458
00:20:35,150 --> 00:20:36,443
I don't appreciate that at all.

459
00:20:36,526 --> 00:20:39,446
Like, "What boxes
aren't I checking for you, sir?"

460
00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:43,492
And actually, I know the boxes
because it goes back to my background.

461
00:20:43,575 --> 00:20:45,869
Like, I don't have
the cultural Asian background

462
00:20:45,953 --> 00:20:48,121
that a lot of these guys
are looking for, you know?

463
00:20:48,205 --> 00:20:50,916
Like, to them, a lot of these guys,
I'm a bait-and-switch, you know?

464
00:20:50,999 --> 00:20:53,168
It's like they showed up
to the car lot one day,

465
00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:55,879
and they were like,
"Oh, I got this amazing Honda."

466
00:20:55,963 --> 00:20:57,714
Then they drove it, and they're like,

467
00:20:57,798 --> 00:20:59,466
"What the fuck? This is PT Cruiser."

468
00:20:59,549 --> 00:21:01,468
-You know? Likeâ€¦
-[crowd laughs]

469
00:21:01,551 --> 00:21:02,886
Really tough.

470
00:21:02,970 --> 00:21:04,471
And listen, I am not immune.

471
00:21:04,554 --> 00:21:07,224
Live, I've datedâ€¦
In my twenties, I made a lot of mistakes.

472
00:21:07,307 --> 00:21:10,560
I dated a lot of rice queens.
That's what we call them in our community.

473
00:21:10,644 --> 00:21:13,647
I dated a lot of rice queens.
I dated so many guys

474
00:21:13,730 --> 00:21:16,358
with multiple katanas
on the wall, okay? Likeâ€¦

475
00:21:17,651 --> 00:21:19,278
And I gotta tell ya,

476
00:21:19,778 --> 00:21:21,321
one katana is too many.

477
00:21:21,405 --> 00:21:22,447
[crowd laughs]

478
00:21:22,531 --> 00:21:24,783
Two katanas, run, you know? Uhâ€¦

479
00:21:24,866 --> 00:21:27,244
But I went on a date once with this guy.

480
00:21:27,327 --> 00:21:30,038
He was a self-professed rice queen.
He loved Asian guys.

481
00:21:30,122 --> 00:21:31,915
We went on the date,
and it went well enough

482
00:21:31,999 --> 00:21:34,710
that we did end up fucking
at the end of the day.

483
00:21:34,793 --> 00:21:38,588
And in the middle of lovemaking,
he leaned forward at one point,

484
00:21:38,672 --> 00:21:41,675
and he was like, "Hey."
And I was like, "Hi."

485
00:21:41,758 --> 00:21:43,927
-[laughs]
-[crowd laughs]

486
00:21:44,011 --> 00:21:45,429
"What's up?" [nervous laugh]

487
00:21:47,014 --> 00:21:48,432
And I shit you not,

488
00:21:48,515 --> 00:21:50,642
he said this verbatim to me.

489
00:21:50,726 --> 00:21:52,311
He leaned forward, and he said,

490
00:21:53,020 --> 00:21:55,063
"You sure don't fuck like an Asian guy."

491
00:21:55,147 --> 00:21:56,440
[crowd groans]

492
00:21:56,523 --> 00:21:58,900
I know. I know. It was shocking to me.

493
00:21:58,984 --> 00:22:00,152
I likeâ€¦ I was so young.

494
00:22:00,235 --> 00:22:02,946
And I didn't know what to do
with that information at the time.

495
00:22:03,030 --> 00:22:05,782
Like, I panicked and did
the first thing that came to mind.

496
00:22:05,866 --> 00:22:07,242
I karate-chopped in his penis.

497
00:22:07,326 --> 00:22:10,287
-Uhâ€¦
-[crowd laughs, applauds, cheers]

498
00:22:10,370 --> 00:22:13,790
And then I picked up all my clothes
and never went back to that Quiznos.

499
00:22:13,874 --> 00:22:18,628
Simply not allowed
in Michigan, Illinois, or Indiana.

500
00:22:18,712 --> 00:22:21,757
Um, just does not happen for me.

501
00:22:24,134 --> 00:22:25,719
[scattered laughter]

502
00:22:25,802 --> 00:22:27,054
Mmmâ€¦

503
00:22:27,888 --> 00:22:28,972
Hi, Ben.

504
00:22:29,056 --> 00:22:29,973
[crowd laughs]

505
00:22:30,057 --> 00:22:30,891
How are you doing?

506
00:22:31,683 --> 00:22:34,603
-[Ben] Killing it.
-[Joel] Great. So here's the thing, Ben.

507
00:22:34,686 --> 00:22:37,606
That was the end
of Act 1 of the set, okay?

508
00:22:37,689 --> 00:22:40,192
You might've noticed
that with Act 1, I front-loaded it

509
00:22:40,275 --> 00:22:42,611
with a lot of jokes about being gay

510
00:22:42,694 --> 00:22:45,197
and a lot of jokes
about being Asian, okay?

511
00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:47,783
And now, all of these people
feel represented, okay?

512
00:22:47,866 --> 00:22:49,368
The Asians over here feel represented,

513
00:22:49,451 --> 00:22:51,787
the faggots in the back,
they feel represented, likeâ€¦

514
00:22:51,870 --> 00:22:55,832
Everybody who came here
to feel represented, feels represented.

515
00:22:55,916 --> 00:22:57,834
They saw themselves in my jokes.

516
00:22:57,918 --> 00:23:01,088
And now, I only care about you.

517
00:23:01,171 --> 00:23:03,298
But here's my question for you, Ben.

518
00:23:04,091 --> 00:23:07,052
Did you feel alienated by those jokes?

519
00:23:07,135 --> 00:23:08,053
[crowd laughs]

520
00:23:08,136 --> 00:23:10,847
[Ben] Honestly, a lot. Yeah, extremely.

521
00:23:11,348 --> 00:23:14,184
Which joke did you feel
the most alienated by?

522
00:23:14,267 --> 00:23:15,394
[crowd laughs]

523
00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:19,022
[Ben] I mean, it's hard to, like, count,
like, which one.

524
00:23:19,106 --> 00:23:23,360
It's hard to count which ones
because there were so many bits, right?

525
00:23:23,819 --> 00:23:25,237
There were so many bits.

526
00:23:25,779 --> 00:23:29,408
Which one were you able
to relate to the most?

527
00:23:29,491 --> 00:23:31,451
[crowd laughs]

528
00:23:31,535 --> 00:23:33,703
What was that?
Oh, the ugly dick one? Okay.

529
00:23:33,787 --> 00:23:36,164
Umâ€¦ Interesting.

530
00:23:36,248 --> 00:23:37,749
[crowd laughs, applauds]

531
00:23:37,833 --> 00:23:39,793
-[Joel] That's wild.
-[crowd cheers]

532
00:23:39,876 --> 00:23:43,255
But honestly, like,
super brave of you to admit.

533
00:23:43,338 --> 00:23:45,006
Um, yeah.

534
00:23:45,507 --> 00:23:49,803
Okay, but now we're past Act 1, okay?
And we're moving into Act 2.

535
00:23:49,886 --> 00:23:51,888
And Act 2, the jokes here,

536
00:23:51,972 --> 00:23:55,434
I'm really excited for you to hear
because they're really for you, Ben.

537
00:23:55,517 --> 00:23:59,020
Maybe don't count the jokes
like you did in the last one, but, umâ€¦

538
00:23:59,104 --> 00:24:01,648
But really absorb them, okay?

539
00:24:01,731 --> 00:24:04,317
So here's the thing.
Um, like I said at the top,

540
00:24:04,401 --> 00:24:06,820
I love to travel.
I love to travel to do stand-up.

541
00:24:06,903 --> 00:24:09,281
I'm so lucky I've gotten to see
so many cool places.

542
00:24:09,364 --> 00:24:10,991
Like just recently,

543
00:24:11,074 --> 00:24:13,785
I did a European cruise,
uh, which was amazing.

544
00:24:13,869 --> 00:24:16,204
I know if you know me,
it's always been a dream of mine

545
00:24:16,288 --> 00:24:19,958
to solve a mystery on a boat, uh,
so it was a big opportunity for me.

546
00:24:20,041 --> 00:24:22,586
Unfortunately, it was a gay cruise,
so the only mystery I solved

547
00:24:22,669 --> 00:24:24,546
was who gave me gonorrhea?

548
00:24:25,338 --> 00:24:27,591
And it was Ryan, um, butâ€¦

549
00:24:27,674 --> 00:24:29,509
[crowd laughs]

550
00:24:29,593 --> 00:24:31,720
You know? Yeah, it was a gay cruise.

551
00:24:31,803 --> 00:24:35,223
It was me and 6,000 other gay men
from all over the world

552
00:24:35,307 --> 00:24:36,933
and 32 very sad women.

553
00:24:37,017 --> 00:24:38,852
-And, umâ€¦
-[crowd laughs]

554
00:24:38,935 --> 00:24:42,898
It was so inspiring to me,
I have to tell you.

555
00:24:42,981 --> 00:24:47,152
I have never seen so many different men
come from so many different walks of life,

556
00:24:47,235 --> 00:24:49,654
so many different cultures,
so many different perspectives,

557
00:24:49,738 --> 00:24:52,657
and all come together
and rally behind one goal,

558
00:24:52,741 --> 00:24:55,368
which was to smuggle
so many drugs onto this boat.

559
00:24:55,452 --> 00:24:56,536
-Umâ€¦
-[crowd whooping]

560
00:24:56,620 --> 00:24:58,914
It was truly unlike anything
I'd ever seen before.

561
00:24:58,997 --> 00:25:01,833
All my friends were there,
the hallucinogens, amphetamines, opiates.

562
00:25:01,917 --> 00:25:07,297
Everybody came. I did almost get tricked
into doing meth on the very first night.

563
00:25:07,380 --> 00:25:10,258
Yeah, I know.
What an amazing prank. Uh, butâ€¦

564
00:25:10,342 --> 00:25:11,676
[crowd laughs]

565
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:14,179
Yeah, it was a simple story.
Basically what happened is this.

566
00:25:14,262 --> 00:25:17,098
I met these two gentlemen
from East London on the first night,

567
00:25:17,182 --> 00:25:18,892
and they were like, "Oh, do--"

568
00:25:18,975 --> 00:25:20,685
I'm not gonna do it.
I'm not gonna do it. Umâ€¦

569
00:25:20,769 --> 00:25:22,270
I'm sorry. I won't. I refuse.

570
00:25:22,354 --> 00:25:23,855
-Umâ€¦
-[crowd laughs]

571
00:25:23,939 --> 00:25:26,608
These guys were like, "Do you wanna
come to our room and do drugs?"

572
00:25:26,691 --> 00:25:28,485
And I was like,
"Babe, we're at sea. Let's go."

573
00:25:28,568 --> 00:25:29,486
You know? Likeâ€¦

574
00:25:29,569 --> 00:25:31,321
"Maritime law says I must accept."

575
00:25:31,404 --> 00:25:34,616
So I got back to the room, and I was like,
"What's on the menu?"

576
00:25:34,699 --> 00:25:37,577
"What are we doing tonight?"
And they're like, "It's meth."

577
00:25:37,661 --> 00:25:38,995
[crowd laughs]

578
00:25:39,079 --> 00:25:41,665
And I was like, "Oh."
[chuckles, takes deep breath]

579
00:25:41,748 --> 00:25:45,335
"See, I was, um, sort of
saving that one for my forties,

580
00:25:45,418 --> 00:25:48,672
uh, so I'm gonna go,
leave that one for the bucket list."

581
00:25:48,755 --> 00:25:51,925
And they were like, "No, no, no, no, Joel,
it's meth!" And I was like, "I know."

582
00:25:52,008 --> 00:25:53,176
-[chuckles]
-[crowd laughs]

583
00:25:53,260 --> 00:25:55,971
"I just said no to that."
They were like, "No, meth."

584
00:25:56,054 --> 00:25:57,889
"Again, no." They were like, "Meth."

585
00:25:57,973 --> 00:25:59,474
I was like, "Stop," they were, "Meth."

586
00:25:59,558 --> 00:26:02,394
I was like, "This is the worst reboot
of 'Who's on First' ever."

587
00:26:02,477 --> 00:26:04,646
"I don't understand how
we got stuck in this time loop."

588
00:26:04,729 --> 00:26:07,816
They had to spell it out for me
because of their goofy little accents.

589
00:26:07,899 --> 00:26:11,570
They were like,
"No, Joel, it's M-E-P-H. Meph."

590
00:26:12,070 --> 00:26:14,573
"You don't have this drug in America yet."

591
00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:16,366
And I was like,

592
00:26:17,617 --> 00:26:20,620
-"Okay, hand it over." [laughing] Soâ€¦
-[crowd laughs, applauds]

593
00:26:21,788 --> 00:26:23,873
So I did this mystery drug.

594
00:26:23,957 --> 00:26:27,460
I had the time of my goddamn life.
I danced the night away.

595
00:26:27,544 --> 00:26:31,256
The next morning, we port in Italy.
I get service back on the old phone,

596
00:26:31,339 --> 00:26:33,592
and I was like,
let me Google this meph shit

597
00:26:33,675 --> 00:26:35,927
and figure out
why we don't have it in America

598
00:26:36,011 --> 00:26:38,138
and what I can do to bring it there.

599
00:26:38,221 --> 00:26:40,223
[crowd laughs]

600
00:26:42,475 --> 00:26:45,145
And I've got some good news,
and I've got some bad news for you guys.

601
00:26:45,228 --> 00:26:46,605
[crowd laughs]

602
00:26:47,397 --> 00:26:48,940
The good news is

603
00:26:50,442 --> 00:26:51,943
we do have it in America.

604
00:26:52,027 --> 00:26:52,902
[crowd laughs]

605
00:26:53,737 --> 00:26:55,238
The bad news is,

606
00:26:55,322 --> 00:26:57,240
we call it bath salts here.

607
00:26:57,324 --> 00:26:58,325
[crowd laughs, groans]

608
00:26:58,408 --> 00:27:01,286
Yeah, so it was sort of
a lateral move for me,

609
00:27:01,369 --> 00:27:04,664
in terms of the drugs I did
and didn't wanna do on the ship.

610
00:27:04,748 --> 00:27:08,376
But here's the thing about bath salts
that you're not hearing about in the news.

611
00:27:08,460 --> 00:27:11,046
The mainstream media is not covering this.

612
00:27:11,129 --> 00:27:12,672
I loved it. It'sâ€¦

613
00:27:13,381 --> 00:27:15,759
It's so much fun. It is a blast.

614
00:27:15,842 --> 00:27:19,387
Oh my God. Everybody should try it.
In fact, look under your chairs. Uhâ€¦

615
00:27:19,471 --> 00:27:22,974
It is just a little bit for everybody.
No, I'm just-- You should try it.

616
00:27:23,058 --> 00:27:25,977
It's just, a little bit couldn't kill you.
It has killed. But I just think

617
00:27:26,478 --> 00:27:27,896
that if you open your heart,

618
00:27:27,979 --> 00:27:30,398
a nice life experience
might happen for you.

619
00:27:30,482 --> 00:27:31,524
Now, listen,

620
00:27:31,608 --> 00:27:36,029
I get that not everybody in here
can just casually try bath salts.

621
00:27:36,112 --> 00:27:38,698
I understand that.
There are people with substance issues,

622
00:27:38,782 --> 00:27:40,492
and I honor that journey for you.

623
00:27:40,575 --> 00:27:42,952
But I just feel so lucky

624
00:27:43,036 --> 00:27:45,705
that my parents fucked me up
just enough that I love to do drugs

625
00:27:45,789 --> 00:27:48,875
but loved me just enough
that I'm so responsible when I do them.

626
00:27:48,958 --> 00:27:50,043
You know? I'mâ€¦

627
00:27:50,126 --> 00:27:52,545
Justâ€¦ I know. I know.

628
00:27:52,629 --> 00:27:56,299
I'm constantly, constantly, constantly
drinking water, setting timers,

629
00:27:56,383 --> 00:27:58,218
making Excel spreadsheets. Iâ€¦

630
00:27:58,885 --> 00:28:01,846
I am a straight-A student
when it comes to drug use alone.

631
00:28:01,930 --> 00:28:03,098
Um, and I've alwaysâ€¦

632
00:28:03,181 --> 00:28:05,809
I've always been fascinated
by, like, drug culture.

633
00:28:05,892 --> 00:28:08,395
Like, I'm always curious about
where are we getting the drugs?

634
00:28:08,478 --> 00:28:09,688
Like, I get them from Vanessa.

635
00:28:09,771 --> 00:28:13,983
But where does Vanessa get the drugs
that I'm buying from her? Likeâ€¦

636
00:28:14,067 --> 00:28:17,779
When I buy ketamine from Vanessa,
which is a literal horse tranquilizer,

637
00:28:17,862 --> 00:28:20,532
like, how is she
getting a hold of this shit?

638
00:28:20,615 --> 00:28:23,451
Like, what is she doing?
Showing up to the vet like, "Please, sir,

639
00:28:23,535 --> 00:28:25,453
my horses, they're very sick."

640
00:28:25,537 --> 00:28:27,080
"They won't go to bed!"

641
00:28:27,163 --> 00:28:29,165
[crowd laughs]

642
00:28:30,083 --> 00:28:31,334
Secondary question,

643
00:28:31,418 --> 00:28:34,295
why the fuck am I doing
a horse tranquilizer?

644
00:28:34,379 --> 00:28:36,214
Like, who in my community
started that trend?

645
00:28:36,297 --> 00:28:38,299
What gay vet woke up one day and was like,

646
00:28:38,383 --> 00:28:41,553
"You know what? These girls
are having the time of their lives."

647
00:28:41,636 --> 00:28:44,139
-[crowd laughs, applauds]
-"Gotta get in on that."

648
00:28:44,806 --> 00:28:48,560
And then, third and final,
and probably the most important question.

649
00:28:48,643 --> 00:28:51,062
How do they get the horses
to snort the ketamine?

650
00:28:51,146 --> 00:28:53,148
[crowd laughs]

651
00:28:53,857 --> 00:28:57,902
Very curious stuff,
very curious stuff, I gotta tell you.

652
00:28:59,028 --> 00:29:01,489
It is funny, after all those bits,
I have to tell you,

653
00:29:01,573 --> 00:29:03,742
now, I don't drink anymore. I can't do it.

654
00:29:03,825 --> 00:29:06,911
The drink-- Like, the hangovers
are just too intense on my body.

655
00:29:06,995 --> 00:29:08,997
I don't like it. I'm too old for it.

656
00:29:09,080 --> 00:29:12,292
But then I moved to California,
where weed is legal,

657
00:29:12,375 --> 00:29:14,085
and everybody, as soon as I got here,

658
00:29:14,169 --> 00:29:17,547
they were like, "No, Joel. Like,
all you gotta do is smoke some weed."

659
00:29:17,630 --> 00:29:20,467
"Marijuana is the best hangover cure."

660
00:29:20,550 --> 00:29:23,470
And I don't know if you guys
have ever tried this, but I have.

661
00:29:23,553 --> 00:29:25,263
And boy, is it like
putting a hat on a hat.

662
00:29:25,346 --> 00:29:27,599
-It is not a good remedy.
-[crowd laughs]

663
00:29:27,682 --> 00:29:29,476
No, no, no, no, no.

664
00:29:29,559 --> 00:29:32,979
I still had a splitting headache,
and I felt like everyone was mad at me.

665
00:29:33,062 --> 00:29:39,194
[chuckles] So not an experience I would
recommend, I have to tell you, butâ€¦

666
00:29:39,277 --> 00:29:42,697
Does anybody else in here like to party?
Where are my party heads at?

667
00:29:42,781 --> 00:29:45,617
-[crowd cheers, applauds]
-Yes. Party, party, party, party, party.

668
00:29:45,700 --> 00:29:48,453
You loveâ€¦ You did a little dance.
Um, have you, umâ€¦

669
00:29:48,536 --> 00:29:49,871
Janine, are we gonna get him?

670
00:29:49,954 --> 00:29:52,248
Um, have you ever done molly?

671
00:29:52,332 --> 00:29:55,001
-[man] I have.
-You have. Okay, officer, we found him.

672
00:29:55,084 --> 00:29:56,252
-Uhâ€¦
-[crowd laughs]

673
00:29:56,336 --> 00:29:58,463
Right down here in the front.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

674
00:29:58,546 --> 00:30:01,007
No, I love molly.
Molly is one of my favorite drugs.

675
00:30:01,090 --> 00:30:03,885
Molly, for those of you who don't know,
is just rebranded ecstasy.

676
00:30:03,968 --> 00:30:06,638
And ecstasy does exactly as advertised.

677
00:30:06,721 --> 00:30:08,848
It makes you feel ecstasy.
It makes you feel amazing.

678
00:30:08,932 --> 00:30:12,310
It makes you feel horny. And if you're
a man, it has the fringe benefit

679
00:30:12,393 --> 00:30:14,479
of making it impossible to get hard.

680
00:30:14,562 --> 00:30:17,482
Uh, which is amazing,
'cause now, every time I do molly,

681
00:30:17,565 --> 00:30:20,151
I feel like I'm entering into an agreement
with an ancient sea witch

682
00:30:20,235 --> 00:30:23,988
who's like, "I said I'd make you horny,
but I never said I'd make you hard!"

683
00:30:24,072 --> 00:30:25,156
[crowd laughs]

684
00:30:25,240 --> 00:30:28,493
And now you have to cum
before the sun sets on the music festival,

685
00:30:28,576 --> 00:30:31,663
or you become a sentient weed
in her garden, you know? Likeâ€¦

686
00:30:32,747 --> 00:30:35,542
It's a disaster, a disaster.

687
00:30:35,625 --> 00:30:37,627
-[chuckles]
-[crowd laughs]

688
00:30:38,711 --> 00:30:43,258
I can feel a lot of you tensing up,
um, the more I talk about drugs,

689
00:30:43,341 --> 00:30:44,843
and so I am gonna get off the topic,

690
00:30:44,926 --> 00:30:47,220
but I gotta tell you,
it's not an easy transition.

691
00:30:47,303 --> 00:30:50,723
Um, it's not. We are gonna transition
into talking about animals now,

692
00:30:50,807 --> 00:30:52,433
and this is the in, okay?

693
00:30:52,517 --> 00:30:56,938
Um, it's this. It's that I do believe
that dogs are coke users,

694
00:30:57,021 --> 00:30:59,315
and cats are weed users.

695
00:30:59,399 --> 00:31:02,235
Um, and bear with me,
'cause have you ever seen

696
00:31:02,318 --> 00:31:05,154
like, an unruly,
untrained dog out in public?

697
00:31:05,238 --> 00:31:07,156
The way their owners speak to that dog

698
00:31:07,240 --> 00:31:10,159
is exactly the way you speak
to your friends who are on too much coke.

699
00:31:10,243 --> 00:31:13,079
"Terrance, get down from there.
Terrance, get down now."

700
00:31:13,162 --> 00:31:14,205
"Terrance, down."

701
00:31:14,289 --> 00:31:16,916
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
He's not normally like this."

702
00:31:17,417 --> 00:31:19,335
"Please don't call the shelter!"

703
00:31:19,419 --> 00:31:21,588
[crowd laughs, applauds, whoops]

704
00:31:21,713 --> 00:31:24,883
Meanwhile, all the cats are at home
playing with laser pointers, you know?

705
00:31:24,966 --> 00:31:28,219
-[crowd laughs]
-Airtight. Airtight analogy.

706
00:31:29,929 --> 00:31:32,056
Where are my dog people at tonight?

707
00:31:32,140 --> 00:31:34,559
-Where are the dog owners?
-[crowd cheers, applauds]

708
00:31:34,642 --> 00:31:35,894
We get it. We get it. We get it.

709
00:31:35,977 --> 00:31:39,522
So crass. Umâ€¦ Where are
the cat lovers in the audience?

710
00:31:39,606 --> 00:31:41,107
-[crowd cheers, applauds]
-[softly] Yes.

711
00:31:41,190 --> 00:31:43,943
Yes. Class acts, every single one of you.

712
00:31:44,027 --> 00:31:46,738
Um, where are my bird people at tonight?

713
00:31:46,821 --> 00:31:47,864
[sparse cheers, applause]

714
00:31:47,947 --> 00:31:51,284
Okay, Janine, get everybody's face
who just "whoo'd."

715
00:31:51,910 --> 00:31:55,371
You're going on a registry, all right?
You fucking freaks.

716
00:31:55,455 --> 00:31:57,498
[crowd laughs]

717
00:31:57,582 --> 00:31:59,792
Outrageous. Now, listen, you guys.

718
00:31:59,876 --> 00:32:02,462
I do think that cats
are the better animal.

719
00:32:02,545 --> 00:32:04,047
I do think cats are superior to dogs.

720
00:32:04,130 --> 00:32:06,174
I can see some of the dog owners
shaking their head.

721
00:32:06,257 --> 00:32:08,676
But there is one reason,
and one reason alone

722
00:32:08,760 --> 00:32:10,929
why cats are better than dogs.

723
00:32:11,012 --> 00:32:14,515
And that's because cats
would never work with the police.

724
00:32:14,599 --> 00:32:18,937
-[crowd cheers, applauds]
-Not a single one of them. No, no. Okay?

725
00:32:19,020 --> 00:32:22,231
And it's not because the cats
don't have the skill set, no.

726
00:32:22,315 --> 00:32:25,818
Cats could end the drug trade tomorrow
if they wanted to.

727
00:32:25,902 --> 00:32:28,988
But they said, "Work with the state?
I don't think so. No."

728
00:32:29,072 --> 00:32:30,615
Dog owners are obsessed with their dogs.

729
00:32:30,698 --> 00:32:33,368
Like, "Oh, my dog
follows me everywhere I go."

730
00:32:33,451 --> 00:32:35,787
And it's like, "Sounds like
the NSA, honey." You know?

731
00:32:35,870 --> 00:32:37,997
Like, what are they listening for?

732
00:32:38,081 --> 00:32:41,125
It's like, "My dog waits outside
the bathroom for me to finish."

733
00:32:41,209 --> 00:32:45,088
Your dog thinks you're doing drugs
and wants to send you down the river!

734
00:32:45,171 --> 00:32:47,256
Every dog was born with a wire!

735
00:32:47,840 --> 00:32:49,133
Defund puppies.

736
00:32:49,217 --> 00:32:50,802
-[laughs]
-[crowd laughs, applauds]

737
00:32:51,552 --> 00:32:54,180
No, I couldn't even finish it, you guys.

738
00:32:54,263 --> 00:32:56,099
I couldn't even finish saying it.

739
00:32:56,182 --> 00:32:59,060
No, dog owners do get upset with me
when I talk about this on stage.

740
00:32:59,143 --> 00:33:01,980
Though sometimes, like, I-I-I had
a dog owner come up to me

741
00:33:02,063 --> 00:33:04,774
after the show once,
and she was like, "Don't, don't do that."

742
00:33:04,857 --> 00:33:07,485
"Don't project human morality
onto the dogs."

743
00:33:07,568 --> 00:33:09,070
-"Okay?"
-[crowd laughs]

744
00:33:09,153 --> 00:33:11,656
"The dogs don't understand
what they're doing."

745
00:33:11,739 --> 00:33:14,617
And it's like, actually, I think that dogs

746
00:33:14,701 --> 00:33:17,662
are the best-equipped animal
to understand human morality.

747
00:33:17,745 --> 00:33:19,622
'Cause have you ever seen a dog

748
00:33:19,706 --> 00:33:21,833
that's too ashamed
to shit in front of you?

749
00:33:21,916 --> 00:33:24,627
Like, every time I see that,
I get so fucking pissed.

750
00:33:24,711 --> 00:33:28,464
I'm like, "Oh, so you do understand
what it is to live in a society."

751
00:33:28,965 --> 00:33:30,758
"Sometimes!" You know?

752
00:33:30,842 --> 00:33:31,843
[crowd laughs]

753
00:33:31,926 --> 00:33:33,177
"If you do, then get a job."

754
00:33:33,261 --> 00:33:35,847
And they're like, "Take me
to the police academy." You know?

755
00:33:35,930 --> 00:33:38,057
-[crowd laughs]
-Every single time. It's crazy.

756
00:33:40,143 --> 00:33:42,770
I get it, though.
Shitting in public is very fraught.

757
00:33:42,854 --> 00:33:46,441
Uh, it's a very fraught experience.
I do it frequently, you know?

758
00:33:46,524 --> 00:33:49,027
I'm in airports a lot.
I'm using public restrooms.

759
00:33:49,110 --> 00:33:52,655
I don't know when this happened to us
as a culture, but at a certain point,

760
00:33:52,739 --> 00:33:55,616
people started entering
those public restroom stalls,

761
00:33:55,700 --> 00:33:58,911
getting out their phones,
and doing admin work, okay?

762
00:33:58,995 --> 00:34:01,497
That's it.
And I don't understand. It is awful.

763
00:34:01,581 --> 00:34:05,043
Have you ever had to wait in line
to shit in public? It is agony.

764
00:34:05,126 --> 00:34:06,919
We need to start treating those stalls

765
00:34:07,003 --> 00:34:09,088
like hospitals treat pregnant women.

766
00:34:09,172 --> 00:34:11,799
You're only allowed to go in there
when you're a bit little dilated,

767
00:34:11,883 --> 00:34:15,511
'cause there are people out here in line
who are crowning right now.

768
00:34:16,596 --> 00:34:18,806
And we can't get in there
'cause you're on Instagram.

769
00:34:18,890 --> 00:34:22,268
And I know, 'cause I can see you
'cause the gaps are too wide!

770
00:34:22,935 --> 00:34:24,020
Like, it's insane.

771
00:34:24,103 --> 00:34:26,230
How are we supposedly
the number-one nation,

772
00:34:26,314 --> 00:34:29,776
and yet I can make direct eye contact
with everyone taking a shit at LaGuardia?

773
00:34:29,859 --> 00:34:33,321
You know? It doesn't make any sense.
It just doesn't.

774
00:34:34,489 --> 00:34:35,990
I love cats, though. I do.

775
00:34:36,074 --> 00:34:37,241
I went toâ€¦

776
00:34:38,785 --> 00:34:41,871
I went to a cat cafÃ©
for the first time recently.

777
00:34:41,954 --> 00:34:43,790
-No, umâ€¦
-[crowd laughs]

778
00:34:43,873 --> 00:34:46,084
I have to disagree. I have to disagree.

779
00:34:46,167 --> 00:34:47,877
It was a very disappointing experience.

780
00:34:47,960 --> 00:34:51,672
I went to the cat cafÃ©, was met with
a list of rules outside the door.

781
00:34:51,756 --> 00:34:53,257
"Do not chase after the cats."

782
00:34:53,341 --> 00:34:54,634
"Do not pick up the cats."

783
00:34:54,717 --> 00:34:56,886
"Do not pet the cats
unless the cats want to be pet."

784
00:34:56,969 --> 00:34:58,679
"Do not put the cats in your lap."

785
00:34:58,763 --> 00:35:01,849
I have never felt more like
an entitled straight man at a strip club

786
00:35:01,933 --> 00:35:05,269
than before going to this cat cafÃ©.
I was like, "I paid $7 to be in here."

787
00:35:05,353 --> 00:35:06,771
"Now get in my fucking lap!"

788
00:35:06,854 --> 00:35:09,565
[crowd laughs, whoops]

789
00:35:09,649 --> 00:35:11,984
Like, I'm sorry,
you can't pet the cats here?

790
00:35:12,068 --> 00:35:14,487
Like, this is just a dirty cafÃ©.

791
00:35:14,570 --> 00:35:15,738
[crowd laughs]

792
00:35:15,822 --> 00:35:18,407
Outrageous. Outrageous stuff.

793
00:35:18,491 --> 00:35:20,701
I love cats. I love my cats especially,

794
00:35:20,785 --> 00:35:24,038
but Iâ€¦ I don't know
how I feel about all cat people.

795
00:35:24,122 --> 00:35:25,623
I have to be honest with you.

796
00:35:25,706 --> 00:35:27,750
Now, some of you guys are wild.

797
00:35:27,834 --> 00:35:31,254
Uh, like, have youâ€¦ Have you guys
seen this Netflix documentary,

798
00:35:31,337 --> 00:35:33,506
<i>Don't F**k with Cats?</i>
Yeah, some of you have.

799
00:35:33,589 --> 00:35:34,799
For those who haven't seen it,

800
00:35:34,882 --> 00:35:37,260
<i>Don't F**k with Cats</i>
is a true-crime doc on Netflix,

801
00:35:37,343 --> 00:35:38,678
and it's about this guy

802
00:35:38,761 --> 00:35:41,806
who murders a bunch of cats
and posts the videos online.

803
00:35:41,889 --> 00:35:45,685
And then this community of cat lovers
band together, and they track him down.

804
00:35:45,768 --> 00:35:49,272
While they're tracking him down for that,
they realize he's also killed a guy.

805
00:35:49,355 --> 00:35:52,358
-They're like, "That's weird." Umâ€¦
-[crowd laughs]

806
00:35:52,441 --> 00:35:56,154
And every time I talk to a cat person
about thisâ€¦ this documentary,

807
00:35:56,237 --> 00:35:58,698
they're always like,
"Oh my God, Joel, I can't."

808
00:35:58,781 --> 00:36:03,452
"I can't watch that documentary.
What he does to the cats in that video

809
00:36:03,536 --> 00:36:05,204
is too intense. It's too awful."

810
00:36:05,288 --> 00:36:09,333
And I'm always like, "Yeah,
but didn't he also kill a human man?"

811
00:36:09,417 --> 00:36:12,420
And they're like, "Yeah, I know,
but I liked that part. I liked that part."

812
00:36:12,503 --> 00:36:14,589
"That's what brought me to it.
I love true crime."

813
00:36:14,672 --> 00:36:17,300
"I really love true crime." It isâ€¦ Trueâ€¦

814
00:36:17,383 --> 00:36:19,677
I'm fucking over true crime,
you guys. I really am.

815
00:36:19,760 --> 00:36:22,972
I'm done. I'm done.
It's rotting our brains.

816
00:36:23,055 --> 00:36:25,558
Like, I was talking
to a friend of mine recently

817
00:36:25,641 --> 00:36:28,603
about a girl who went missing
my senior year of high school.

818
00:36:28,686 --> 00:36:30,646
And he was like,
"Oh my God, did they find her?"

819
00:36:30,730 --> 00:36:33,316
And I was like, "Yeah, they did,"
and he was like, "Oh."

820
00:36:33,399 --> 00:36:35,568
-[laughs]
-[crowd laughs]

821
00:36:35,651 --> 00:36:38,654
I was like, "Sorry they didn't make
a podcast about it, brah."

822
00:36:38,738 --> 00:36:40,031
It's truly insane.

823
00:36:40,114 --> 00:36:43,743
Like, I don't like how we're giving
all the serial killers nicknames now.

824
00:36:43,826 --> 00:36:46,078
Like, I'm sorry, the Craigslist Killer?

825
00:36:46,162 --> 00:36:47,079
First of all,

826
00:36:47,872 --> 00:36:49,707
<i>the </i>Craigslist Killer?

827
00:36:49,790 --> 00:36:51,792
[crowd laughing]

828
00:36:53,211 --> 00:36:56,339
There are a lot of other killers
using that service as well, okay?

829
00:36:56,422 --> 00:36:59,967
And it's really unfair that we gave him
<i>the </i>Craigslist Killer because

830
00:37:00,051 --> 00:37:03,638
the Facebook Marketplace Killer
doesn't have the same ring. It doesn't.

831
00:37:03,721 --> 00:37:05,681
Why would you ever? Why would you ever?

832
00:37:05,765 --> 00:37:07,934
It is so frustrating.

833
00:37:08,017 --> 00:37:11,562
Now, I will say, um,
I do think that I will be murdered.

834
00:37:11,646 --> 00:37:15,816
Um, I think that is whatâ€¦
How I'm destined to go out, I do.

835
00:37:15,900 --> 00:37:17,985
Like, you know, I'm on the road so much,

836
00:37:18,069 --> 00:37:19,987
and constantly when I'm in new cities,

837
00:37:20,071 --> 00:37:22,573
I'm on the apps,
meeting with strange men for sex.

838
00:37:22,657 --> 00:37:24,742
And whenever I talk to
my friends about this,

839
00:37:24,825 --> 00:37:27,870
they're like, "Joel, you can't
do that anymore. You have to stop."

840
00:37:27,954 --> 00:37:30,373
"These guys are strangers.
One of them could kill you."

841
00:37:30,456 --> 00:37:31,916
And it's like, "Yeah, I know,

842
00:37:31,999 --> 00:37:34,418
but, you know, if I've been murdered,
I've still been picked."

843
00:37:34,502 --> 00:37:35,878
-You know? [laughs]
-[crowd laughs]

844
00:37:35,962 --> 00:37:37,630
It honestly scratches the same itch.

845
00:37:37,713 --> 00:37:39,882
Either way, I get to
stop dating, you know?

846
00:37:39,966 --> 00:37:41,384
-Uhâ€¦
-[crowd laughs]

847
00:37:41,467 --> 00:37:44,470
Didn't get married,
but I am someone's human wig stand.

848
00:37:44,553 --> 00:37:46,472
-Soâ€¦
-[crowd laughs]

849
00:37:46,555 --> 00:37:48,724
Pick and choose. Pick and choose.

850
00:37:49,684 --> 00:37:51,978
Hi, you guys. Are you guys here together?

851
00:37:52,061 --> 00:37:54,605
-[man] Yeah.
-[Joel] That's sweet. Are you in love?

852
00:37:55,189 --> 00:37:57,108
-[man] Yeah.
-She hasn't said anything yet.

853
00:37:57,191 --> 00:37:58,317
-Umâ€¦
-[crowd laughs]

854
00:37:58,401 --> 00:38:01,404
[Joel] Are you in love with this man?
Blink twice if you need help.

855
00:38:01,487 --> 00:38:03,948
That's wonderful.
How long have you been together?

856
00:38:04,031 --> 00:38:06,075
Seven years? That's amazing.

857
00:38:06,158 --> 00:38:08,369
And are you guys open or monogamous?

858
00:38:08,452 --> 00:38:10,621
-Monogamous or open?
-[woman] Monogamous.

859
00:38:10,705 --> 00:38:11,622
Monogamous.

860
00:38:11,706 --> 00:38:12,832
Monogamous, really?

861
00:38:13,666 --> 00:38:14,917
[crowd laughs]

862
00:38:15,710 --> 00:38:19,255
That's incredible. I'm sorry,
you didn't look like Christians to me. Umâ€¦

863
00:38:19,338 --> 00:38:21,590
But, you know, they're hiding
in plain sight these days.

864
00:38:21,674 --> 00:38:25,511
Uh, no, I don't really care.
I don't give a shit at all, actually.

865
00:38:25,594 --> 00:38:28,014
Iâ€¦ I don't know how
I feel about monogamy, personally.

866
00:38:28,097 --> 00:38:30,474
Like, right now, I'm just sort of
addicted to threesomes.

867
00:38:30,558 --> 00:38:32,601
I love to alienate
one other person during sex.

868
00:38:32,685 --> 00:38:34,437
You know? Like that's really great.

869
00:38:34,520 --> 00:38:37,565
I love to play a psychosexual game
with a gay couple on the brink.

870
00:38:37,648 --> 00:38:40,526
Just sort of boxing out
the weaker husband the whole time.

871
00:38:40,609 --> 00:38:45,489
Like, "Oh, thanks, Brian. We got it
covered in here, babe." [chuckles]

872
00:38:45,573 --> 00:38:47,491
"Why don't you get us some water? Great."

873
00:38:47,575 --> 00:38:48,409
[crowd laughs]

874
00:38:48,492 --> 00:38:51,245
It is tough for a lot of gay couples.
They don't have a lot of options.

875
00:38:51,329 --> 00:38:54,623
It's either open up your relationship
or adopt an Asian baby,

876
00:38:54,707 --> 00:38:56,083
and either way, there I am.

877
00:38:56,167 --> 00:38:58,586
-You know?
-[crowd laughs, applauds]

878
00:38:58,669 --> 00:39:01,255
There's a Korean
shitting somewhere in your house.

879
00:39:01,339 --> 00:39:03,466
[crowd whooping, applauding]

880
00:39:03,549 --> 00:39:07,094
But I do wanna talk to you guys
really quickly because this is a thing.

881
00:39:07,178 --> 00:39:09,638
The way we talk about
open relationships, it's like, it's like,

882
00:39:09,722 --> 00:39:11,390
"Oh, my God. It's the Wild Wild West."

883
00:39:11,474 --> 00:39:13,392
"Every relationship,
a different set of rules."

884
00:39:13,476 --> 00:39:14,894
"How do they do it?"

885
00:39:14,977 --> 00:39:17,021
But the thing is,
not every monogamous relationship

886
00:39:17,104 --> 00:39:17,980
is identical either.

887
00:39:18,064 --> 00:39:20,941
Every monogamous relationship
has its own little deviations.

888
00:39:21,025 --> 00:39:24,070
Like, we know that
the number-one rule for you guys

889
00:39:24,153 --> 00:39:25,446
is you can't fuck other people.

890
00:39:25,529 --> 00:39:27,615
And I love that for you. Congratulations.

891
00:39:28,491 --> 00:39:31,202
Take me to church, you know? Um, amazing.

892
00:39:31,285 --> 00:39:33,287
But what about the other stuff?
Like, can you, umâ€¦

893
00:39:34,622 --> 00:39:35,956
Can you kiss other people?

894
00:39:38,125 --> 00:39:40,461
-You haven't answered yet. Okay, uhâ€¦
-[crowd laughs]

895
00:39:40,544 --> 00:39:42,671
Seven years in and he's a little unsure.

896
00:39:42,755 --> 00:39:45,508
Uh, that's worrisome. Okay.

897
00:39:45,591 --> 00:39:47,301
Can you hold hands with others?

898
00:39:48,761 --> 00:39:50,971
-No? You're saying no. Okay.
-[woman] No, Iâ€¦

899
00:39:51,472 --> 00:39:52,306
Okayâ€¦

900
00:39:52,390 --> 00:39:54,600
[crowd laughs]

901
00:39:54,683 --> 00:39:56,894
Let's, let's, let's,
let's add some context.

902
00:39:56,977 --> 00:39:58,813
Um, what's your name?

903
00:39:58,896 --> 00:39:59,772
[man] I'm Carl.

904
00:40:00,356 --> 00:40:02,149
-Carl.
-Carl? Okay.

905
00:40:02,233 --> 00:40:03,067
Soâ€¦

906
00:40:03,776 --> 00:40:05,694
[crowd laughs]

907
00:40:06,612 --> 00:40:08,447
Carl's last ex-girlfriend,

908
00:40:09,490 --> 00:40:10,699
she's in the hospital.

909
00:40:10,783 --> 00:40:12,243
[crowd laughs]

910
00:40:12,326 --> 00:40:13,160
Okay?

911
00:40:13,911 --> 00:40:17,206
She's <i>not </i>doing well.
Not doing well at all, okay?

912
00:40:17,289 --> 00:40:19,792
And in a sort of Make-A-Wish situationâ€¦

913
00:40:19,875 --> 00:40:21,085
[crowd laughs]

914
00:40:21,168 --> 00:40:23,254
â€¦she says, "I need to see Carl."

915
00:40:23,337 --> 00:40:25,464
"I need to see him. Where is Carl?"

916
00:40:25,548 --> 00:40:28,968
Carl rushes to the hospital,
bursts through the doors,

917
00:40:29,051 --> 00:40:30,761
[mimicking EKG] Beep. Beep.

918
00:40:30,845 --> 00:40:31,846
[crowd laughs]

919
00:40:31,929 --> 00:40:34,807
Beep. That's a terrible heartbeat
I just did, okay? Umâ€¦

920
00:40:37,143 --> 00:40:38,727
She lifts up her handâ€¦

921
00:40:38,811 --> 00:40:40,229
[crowd laughs]

922
00:40:40,312 --> 00:40:42,982
â€¦and she says, "Please, Carlâ€¦

923
00:40:43,065 --> 00:40:44,400
-[chuckles]
-[crowd laughs]

924
00:40:44,483 --> 00:40:46,318
â€¦hold my hand."

925
00:40:47,069 --> 00:40:48,779
And he does. Are you pissed?

926
00:40:49,447 --> 00:40:51,699
No, because she's about to die!

927
00:40:51,782 --> 00:40:53,492
[crowd laughs, applauds]

928
00:40:53,576 --> 00:40:54,910
That was a flawed premise.

929
00:40:54,994 --> 00:40:57,455
Um, that wasâ€¦ that was on me.
That was on me.

930
00:40:57,538 --> 00:40:59,707
Umâ€¦ [makes popping sound] What about hugs?

931
00:40:59,790 --> 00:41:01,333
-Can you hug other people?
-[woman] Yeah.

932
00:41:01,417 --> 00:41:04,253
You can. Okay, so we have
an opening, people.

933
00:41:04,336 --> 00:41:06,255
[crowd laughs, applauds]

934
00:41:06,338 --> 00:41:09,008
Find them at the after-party,
and give 'em a lingering hug.

935
00:41:09,091 --> 00:41:11,135
See where it goes, you know?

936
00:41:11,218 --> 00:41:13,429
It's a slippery slope. Umâ€¦

937
00:41:13,512 --> 00:41:16,056
What about, like, secrets?
Secrets is the big one for me.

938
00:41:16,140 --> 00:41:19,059
I don't give a shit about anal,
but don't keep a secret from me.

939
00:41:19,143 --> 00:41:21,437
Would you care if she had a secret
with a girlfriend

940
00:41:21,520 --> 00:41:23,063
and didn't tell you about it?

941
00:41:23,147 --> 00:41:26,525
-[Carl] Depends on the secret.
-Depends on the secret? Okay.

942
00:41:26,609 --> 00:41:28,611
[crowd laughs]

943
00:41:30,321 --> 00:41:31,363
[Joel] Let's test that.

944
00:41:31,447 --> 00:41:34,575
So, what's gonna happen nowâ€¦
What's your name, ma'am?

945
00:41:34,658 --> 00:41:35,576
-Ali.
-Ali?

946
00:41:35,659 --> 00:41:38,662
Ali, you're just gonna step up
to the edge of the stage here.

947
00:41:38,746 --> 00:41:41,040
Don't worry, I'm triple,
triple-vaxxed, and I've got it.

948
00:41:41,123 --> 00:41:42,583
So, you know, I'm invincible.

949
00:41:42,666 --> 00:41:45,002
Um, okay. And what's gonna happen nowâ€¦

950
00:41:45,085 --> 00:41:48,923
And, Carl, I need you to stay seated
no matter what happens next, okay?

951
00:41:49,465 --> 00:41:51,550
No matter how angry you get with me, okay?

952
00:41:51,634 --> 00:41:54,053
You need to stay seated.
You're about to be cuckolded.

953
00:41:54,136 --> 00:41:56,055
-Umâ€¦
-[crowd laughs, applauds]

954
00:41:56,138 --> 00:41:58,390
Ali, what's gonna happen now
is I'm gonna lean forward,

955
00:41:58,474 --> 00:42:01,727
and you're gonna whisper something
in my ear that you've never told him.

956
00:42:01,810 --> 00:42:04,146
Okay? Um, just think
about it really quick.

957
00:42:04,230 --> 00:42:07,650
And the rest of the audience, I need you
to make a lot of noise. Just murmur.

958
00:42:07,733 --> 00:42:09,735
[crowd cheering, applauding]

959
00:42:13,906 --> 00:42:16,700
[Ali and Joel conversing indistinctly]

960
00:42:16,784 --> 00:42:18,786
[Joel giggling]

961
00:42:18,869 --> 00:42:20,871
[crowd laughing]

962
00:42:24,291 --> 00:42:27,211
Well, I never said
I wouldn't tell, you know?

963
00:42:27,920 --> 00:42:30,839
Oh, and oh my God. I justâ€¦ Oh.

964
00:42:30,923 --> 00:42:32,258
I like you guys a lot.

965
00:42:32,341 --> 00:42:34,385
I think you're a cute couple.
I don't wanna do this.

966
00:42:34,468 --> 00:42:35,886
-Umâ€¦
-[crowd laughs]

967
00:42:35,970 --> 00:42:37,721
Oh! Okay, umâ€¦

968
00:42:37,805 --> 00:42:40,975
But the thing is, is in seven years,
she's never come, you know?

969
00:42:41,058 --> 00:42:43,018
And that is really hard.

970
00:42:43,102 --> 00:42:44,895
That is really tough to learn

971
00:42:44,979 --> 00:42:47,773
at a Netflix special, uh, taping.

972
00:42:47,856 --> 00:42:49,275
Really, really hard. I'm kidding.

973
00:42:49,358 --> 00:42:51,235
Look at this guy's face.
Janine, get his face.

974
00:42:51,318 --> 00:42:52,778
She's coming all the time, okay?

975
00:42:52,861 --> 00:42:56,198
Like, she'sâ€¦ She's sitting
on that face every single night.

976
00:42:56,282 --> 00:42:57,992
She's got a punch card, all right?

977
00:42:58,576 --> 00:43:00,744
She's very, very satisfied.

978
00:43:02,413 --> 00:43:04,039
Do you wanna have kids someday?

979
00:43:04,832 --> 00:43:05,791
You do? Oh, interesting.

980
00:43:05,874 --> 00:43:07,585
So you don't believe in
climate change. Wild.

981
00:43:07,668 --> 00:43:09,128
-Um, wow.
-[crowd laughs, applauds]

982
00:43:09,211 --> 00:43:12,339
[Joel] Um, what an interesting way
to learn that.

983
00:43:12,423 --> 00:43:13,799
Umâ€¦ [giggling]

984
00:43:13,882 --> 00:43:16,594
I'm just kidding. I'mâ€¦ I'm kidding.
Good luck to your kids.

985
00:43:16,677 --> 00:43:19,054
-[crowd laughs]
-[Joel] No, listen, for real,

986
00:43:19,138 --> 00:43:22,975
I don't believe that overpopulation
is the major issue at play here.

987
00:43:23,058 --> 00:43:26,228
I do think that if you wanna have kids,
you should have kids.

988
00:43:26,312 --> 00:43:30,524
Um, but I do think that [laughs]
if you are having kids,

989
00:43:30,608 --> 00:43:34,445
knowing everything we know
about the way the world is going,

990
00:43:34,528 --> 00:43:37,072
it is sort of like when you're at a party

991
00:43:37,615 --> 00:43:39,658
that you know is dying down.

992
00:43:40,159 --> 00:43:42,953
You know? And then you get a text
from a friend, and they're like,

993
00:43:43,037 --> 00:43:45,164
"Hey, should I still come to the party?"

994
00:43:45,247 --> 00:43:47,625
-[laughs]
-[crowd laughs]

995
00:43:48,542 --> 00:43:50,628
You're like, "Yeah!"

996
00:43:51,253 --> 00:43:53,172
"Yeah, jump in that Uber, girl!"

997
00:43:53,255 --> 00:43:54,131
[crowd laughs]

998
00:43:54,214 --> 00:43:56,675
"I'm sure it'll be fine.
I'm sure there'll be ice still

999
00:43:56,759 --> 00:43:58,093
by the time you get here."

1000
00:43:58,177 --> 00:44:02,264
Um, when what you should be doing is
calling them immediately, and being like,

1001
00:44:02,348 --> 00:44:05,142
"Don't come here.
Somebody has put on a podcast."

1002
00:44:05,225 --> 00:44:07,353
[crowd laughs]

1003
00:44:07,436 --> 00:44:09,188
"Party is over!"

1004
00:44:09,980 --> 00:44:12,941
Now, are there any
gay dads in the audience?

1005
00:44:13,942 --> 00:44:17,279
-Thank God, 'cause it's a sin. Uh, it is.
-[crowd laughs]

1006
00:44:17,363 --> 00:44:19,406
It is a sin. It's not right.

1007
00:44:19,490 --> 00:44:24,662
Um, I do believe that God above has put
gay men here as population control.

1008
00:44:24,745 --> 00:44:28,165
You know? And every time God above
sees two gorgeous men raising a child,

1009
00:44:28,248 --> 00:44:31,085
he's like, "Oh no, no, no, no, no.
You have misunderstood the assignment."

1010
00:44:31,710 --> 00:44:33,504
No. And he must be so mad at us

1011
00:44:33,587 --> 00:44:37,299
because we are so much better at it,
[laughs] you know? Likeâ€¦

1012
00:44:37,383 --> 00:44:39,259
Imagine if you willâ€¦ It's like this.

1013
00:44:39,343 --> 00:44:43,180
Imagine you have this national park
that is overrun with deer.

1014
00:44:43,263 --> 00:44:46,558
So you release some wolves into the park
to cull out some deer.

1015
00:44:46,642 --> 00:44:48,894
You go away,
you come back a couple years later,

1016
00:44:48,977 --> 00:44:53,357
and you realize the wolves have started
raising high-functioning deer!

1017
00:44:53,440 --> 00:44:55,401
"What the fuck?
They named that deer Atticus,

1018
00:44:55,484 --> 00:44:57,319
and they've opened up
a Montessori school?"

1019
00:44:57,403 --> 00:44:59,405
-Likeâ€¦ what?
-[crowd cheers, applauds]

1020
00:44:59,488 --> 00:45:02,533
Where did the wolves
get all the disposable income,

1021
00:45:02,616 --> 00:45:04,451
and why are they all so jacked?

1022
00:45:04,535 --> 00:45:06,537
-Likeâ€¦
-[crowd laughs]

1023
00:45:07,329 --> 00:45:09,832
What a mystery. What a mystery.

1024
00:45:14,461 --> 00:45:15,504
Hi, Ben.

1025
00:45:15,587 --> 00:45:17,172
[crowd laughs]

1026
00:45:17,256 --> 00:45:19,717
[Joel] So that was Act 2, Ben, okay?

1027
00:45:19,800 --> 00:45:21,635
That is where I put all of the jokes,

1028
00:45:21,719 --> 00:45:24,805
about 98% of the jokes in Act 2,

1029
00:45:24,888 --> 00:45:30,018
on paper, are all jokes that could have
been told by anybody, you know?

1030
00:45:30,102 --> 00:45:33,772
They weren't connected to my identity.
It could have been told by a white man,

1031
00:45:33,856 --> 00:45:38,110
a black woman, an Indigenous they.
Anybody could have told those jokes.

1032
00:45:38,193 --> 00:45:41,321
Would you agree that literally
anybody could have told those jokes,

1033
00:45:41,405 --> 00:45:42,823
and they would have been funny?

1034
00:45:44,658 --> 00:45:46,535
-[Ben, hesitantly] Yes.
-Yes.

1035
00:45:46,618 --> 00:45:50,122
Interesting. So I add nothing to the set.

1036
00:45:50,205 --> 00:45:51,790
-Umâ€¦
-[crowd laughs]

1037
00:45:51,874 --> 00:45:55,127
He thinks that I don't add
any special flare to the set.

1038
00:45:55,210 --> 00:45:59,047
Um, I'm hoping you're sensing
that you cannot win here, Ben.

1039
00:45:59,131 --> 00:46:00,382
[crowd laughs]

1040
00:46:00,466 --> 00:46:02,176
Now here'sâ€¦ I guess the thing is,

1041
00:46:02,259 --> 00:46:05,763
this was sort of like the straight jokes.
You know, like any straight guy--

1042
00:46:05,846 --> 00:46:08,182
I talked about drugs.
I talked about cats and dogs.

1043
00:46:08,265 --> 00:46:11,643
I talked about relationships, you know.
All very straight things.

1044
00:46:11,727 --> 00:46:16,774
Umâ€¦ So would you say that you liked
Act 1 or Act 2, Ben?

1045
00:46:16,857 --> 00:46:17,816
[crowd laughs]

1046
00:46:17,900 --> 00:46:20,819
Okay? They're both hanging off a ledge.
You can only save one.

1047
00:46:20,903 --> 00:46:23,864
Which one did you prefer
at the end of the day?

1048
00:46:24,823 --> 00:46:26,033
-[Ben] One.
-One?

1049
00:46:26,116 --> 00:46:28,243
So he wants to keep me
in my gay Asian box.

1050
00:46:28,327 --> 00:46:29,620
-Umâ€¦
-[crowd laughs, applauds]

1051
00:46:29,703 --> 00:46:31,371
[Joel] Yeah. Oh, for Benâ€¦

1052
00:46:31,455 --> 00:46:34,708
Oh, Ben will only ever see me
as a gay Asian comic.

1053
00:46:35,209 --> 00:46:37,294
Won't let me out of the box.

1054
00:46:37,377 --> 00:46:40,255
Interesting. Interesting. Real nice, Ben.

1055
00:46:40,339 --> 00:46:42,424
Jesus. I invite you into my home.

1056
00:46:42,508 --> 00:46:43,926
-Umâ€¦
-[crowd laughs]

1057
00:46:44,009 --> 00:46:46,553
But don't worry,
your pain is almost at an end.

1058
00:46:46,637 --> 00:46:48,430
We are entering the third act,

1059
00:46:48,514 --> 00:46:51,016
and I think you're gonna hate this.

1060
00:46:51,099 --> 00:46:52,976
-Umâ€¦
-[crowd laughs]

1061
00:46:53,060 --> 00:46:57,731
So here's the thing, you guys.
I don't think I want kids of my own.

1062
00:46:57,815 --> 00:47:00,234
Um, and you've known me
for about 45 minutes now,

1063
00:47:00,317 --> 00:47:02,653
and you're like,
"We're comfortable with that decision."

1064
00:47:02,736 --> 00:47:05,572
"Uh, we don't think
you should be raising any humans."

1065
00:47:05,656 --> 00:47:08,575
But the thing is,
is, like, I don't want kids of my own,

1066
00:47:08,659 --> 00:47:11,119
but I am such a big fan
of how they get here, you know?

1067
00:47:11,203 --> 00:47:14,414
I-I live to cum, I do. I <i>live </i>to cum.

1068
00:47:14,498 --> 00:47:16,291
It's one of my favorite things.

1069
00:47:16,375 --> 00:47:20,504
Um, but I will say,
I do prefer the verb to the noun,

1070
00:47:20,587 --> 00:47:24,091
if you catch my drift, you know?
Like, I don't like a mess.

1071
00:47:24,174 --> 00:47:25,300
-Umâ€¦
-[crowd laughs]

1072
00:47:25,384 --> 00:47:27,928
Like, I was really pissed off
when I found out at 13

1073
00:47:28,011 --> 00:47:30,055
that a vasectomy
didn't clear out the whole thing.

1074
00:47:30,138 --> 00:47:34,726
Like, I thought it was gonna be snip, snip
and a dry cough, just [coughs] at the end.

1075
00:47:34,810 --> 00:47:37,020
I thought that
would have been so convenient.

1076
00:47:37,104 --> 00:47:39,523
But no. No, no, no, no, no, not for me.

1077
00:47:39,606 --> 00:47:41,900
Um, I've been masturbating
for a while now.

1078
00:47:41,984 --> 00:47:44,820
Um, I was a prodigy.
I started at eight years old.

1079
00:47:44,903 --> 00:47:46,655
Can anybody beat that?
<i>Price is Right </i>rules.

1080
00:47:46,738 --> 00:47:49,616
Nobody going over? No? Okay.
Oh, wow, another pervert, great.

1081
00:47:49,700 --> 00:47:51,243
-Umâ€¦
-[crowd laughs]

1082
00:47:51,326 --> 00:47:53,245
Amazing. Amazing to learn that way.

1083
00:47:53,328 --> 00:47:56,206
But no, it was a fraught thing to do,
though, in my house growing up,

1084
00:47:56,290 --> 00:47:58,333
because I was raised Southern Baptist,

1085
00:47:58,417 --> 00:48:02,421
um, and so we did learn
that it was a sin, you know?

1086
00:48:02,504 --> 00:48:04,673
Um, it wasâ€¦ We called it the sin of Onan.

1087
00:48:04,756 --> 00:48:08,260
Um, Onan was a guy in the Old Testament,
and the verse goes like,

1088
00:48:08,343 --> 00:48:11,430
"Onan spilled his seed upon the ground,

1089
00:48:11,513 --> 00:48:13,891
and God saw that and was pissed."

1090
00:48:13,974 --> 00:48:15,017
-[laughs]
-[crowd laughs]

1091
00:48:15,809 --> 00:48:18,353
And we took from that verse
that masturbation is wrong.

1092
00:48:18,437 --> 00:48:21,607
But I actually think we took
the wrong lesson away from that verse.

1093
00:48:21,690 --> 00:48:24,818
Because I don't think God gives a shit
whether or not we masturbate.

1094
00:48:24,902 --> 00:48:29,197
I actually think he just doesn't want us
to do it on the ground, Onan?

1095
00:48:29,781 --> 00:48:33,410
"In frontâ€¦ Like, this is a slip hazard!
People are walking!"

1096
00:48:33,493 --> 00:48:34,703
[crowd laughs]

1097
00:48:34,786 --> 00:48:37,080
Now you've ruined it for the rest of us.

1098
00:48:37,581 --> 00:48:40,584
But, yeah, we learned that it was a sin.
We learned every sperm could be a son.

1099
00:48:40,667 --> 00:48:42,753
That was on our family-reunion T-shirts.

1100
00:48:42,836 --> 00:48:43,837
-Uhâ€¦
-[crowd laughs]

1101
00:48:44,421 --> 00:48:47,341
Every sperm could be a son.
It was very important to us.

1102
00:48:47,424 --> 00:48:50,260
Um, and now, are you a single person?

1103
00:48:50,344 --> 00:48:52,846
You are. And how often
are you masturbating these days?

1104
00:48:52,930 --> 00:48:54,514
Weekly average. Weekly average.

1105
00:48:55,057 --> 00:48:57,768
-[man] It's up there.
-It's up there, he says.

1106
00:48:57,851 --> 00:49:00,354
Very healthy boy.
What'sâ€¦ Give me a ballpark.

1107
00:49:00,854 --> 00:49:02,356
-[man] Four.
-[Joel] Four?

1108
00:49:02,439 --> 00:49:04,816
-[man] Five.
-Four, five? You're taking weekends off?

1109
00:49:04,900 --> 00:49:06,485
Jesus, that's not a lot, likeâ€¦

1110
00:49:06,568 --> 00:49:07,861
[crowd laughs]

1111
00:49:07,945 --> 00:49:10,113
That's nothing. That's nothing.

1112
00:49:10,197 --> 00:49:12,407
But um, I guessâ€¦ Like, how do youâ€¦

1113
00:49:12,491 --> 00:49:14,952
How do you cleanâ€¦ How do you
bury your sons after you're done?

1114
00:49:15,035 --> 00:49:16,036
Like, what do you do?

1115
00:49:16,119 --> 00:49:18,246
Like, what isâ€¦ What are you using to wipe?

1116
00:49:19,122 --> 00:49:19,957
[man] Hand towel.

1117
00:49:20,040 --> 00:49:22,209
-Hand towel.
-[crowd laughs]

1118
00:49:22,292 --> 00:49:25,003
Just a little tiny, teeny-tiny hand towel

1119
00:49:25,087 --> 00:49:27,464
for all that jizz.

1120
00:49:28,006 --> 00:49:30,884
No, that's not a bad idea.
I think I can slightly beat that, though.

1121
00:49:30,968 --> 00:49:33,512
I have a better system, personally.

1122
00:49:33,595 --> 00:49:35,764
Um, what I do,
and anybody in here can use this,

1123
00:49:35,847 --> 00:49:38,642
is, um, I take a beach towel, okay?

1124
00:49:39,184 --> 00:49:40,811
And I set it next to the bed.

1125
00:49:40,894 --> 00:49:43,480
Every night, I use the beach towel,
wipe down, okay?

1126
00:49:43,563 --> 00:49:46,400
Set it next to the bed again.
May rolls around. I get a phone call.

1127
00:49:46,483 --> 00:49:47,943
"We're going to the beach." "Fuck!"

1128
00:49:48,026 --> 00:49:49,653
-Umâ€¦
-[crowd laughs]

1129
00:49:49,736 --> 00:49:51,947
And then I take the beach towel.
I rush it to the sink.

1130
00:49:52,030 --> 00:49:53,031
It's hard as a rock now.

1131
00:49:53,115 --> 00:49:54,157
-Uhâ€¦
-[crowd laughs]

1132
00:49:54,241 --> 00:49:57,285
And I rinse it out very quickly,
bring a damp towel to the beach.

1133
00:49:57,369 --> 00:49:58,412
-Uhâ€¦
-[crowd laughs]

1134
00:49:58,495 --> 00:50:00,580
And that is my system. Anybody can use it.

1135
00:50:00,664 --> 00:50:02,124
[crowd laughs]

1136
00:50:02,207 --> 00:50:03,917
Siri, they hated it.

1137
00:50:04,001 --> 00:50:05,877
-Umâ€¦
-[crowd laughs]

1138
00:50:05,961 --> 00:50:07,629
But that's okay, 'cause you know what?

1139
00:50:07,713 --> 00:50:09,297
Janine, we're leaving it in.

1140
00:50:09,381 --> 00:50:14,511
Becauseâ€¦ this is my Netflix special,
and some of the jokes are just for me.

1141
00:50:14,594 --> 00:50:16,930
-[satisfied sigh]
-[crowd cheering, applauding]

1142
00:50:17,723 --> 00:50:19,975
How about that? <i>How about that?</i>

1143
00:50:23,645 --> 00:50:25,939
No, I love to masturbate. I do.

1144
00:50:26,023 --> 00:50:27,649
Um, it was actually sort of like

1145
00:50:27,733 --> 00:50:29,860
the biggest problem during lockdown for me

1146
00:50:29,943 --> 00:50:32,529
was all of the afternoons
I spent alone in my room, like,

1147
00:50:32,612 --> 00:50:34,656
"Don't masturbate again.
Don't masturbate again!"

1148
00:50:34,740 --> 00:50:36,366
"Stop masturbating!" You know?

1149
00:50:37,075 --> 00:50:39,995
But then a conflicting voice
would creep in and be like,

1150
00:50:40,912 --> 00:50:43,081
"Yeah, but who are you saving
all these loads for, Joel?"

1151
00:50:43,165 --> 00:50:45,167
You know? "Like,
who's waiting for these loads?"

1152
00:50:45,250 --> 00:50:48,045
Like, "Why are you hoarding
all these loads like the dragon Smaug?"

1153
00:50:48,128 --> 00:50:49,629
-You know?
-[crowd laughs]

1154
00:50:49,713 --> 00:50:51,798
"Doesn't make any sense.
Set your loads free."

1155
00:50:51,882 --> 00:50:55,552
And so I did.
And so I masturbated a ton over lockdown.

1156
00:50:55,635 --> 00:50:59,848
And the thing is, is that I did it so much
that it started to get a little stale.

1157
00:50:59,931 --> 00:51:02,851
So what I needed to do,
and what I ended up doing,

1158
00:51:02,934 --> 00:51:05,145
was I added
a little machinery into the mix.

1159
00:51:05,228 --> 00:51:08,607
I saw, one night
while I was scrolling through Instagram,

1160
00:51:08,690 --> 00:51:12,861
a targeted ad for a Fleshlight, okay?
Thank you, Zuckerberg.

1161
00:51:12,944 --> 00:51:14,404
-Uhâ€¦
-[crowd whoops, laughs]

1162
00:51:14,488 --> 00:51:16,156
I was a little fucked up, but I was like,

1163
00:51:16,239 --> 00:51:18,408
"Oh my God, Iâ€¦
I'm gonna order one of these things."

1164
00:51:18,492 --> 00:51:21,870
And for those of you who don't know,
a Fleshlight is a cylindrical tube with

1165
00:51:21,953 --> 00:51:25,624
a silicon attachment at the end shaped in
either a vagina, a butt, or a mouth.

1166
00:51:25,707 --> 00:51:28,543
And you fuck it. It's, umâ€¦
It's prison technology, is what it is.

1167
00:51:28,627 --> 00:51:31,254
It was created for prisoners by prisoners,

1168
00:51:31,338 --> 00:51:34,841
and we've stolen it from them.
We've appropriated it.

1169
00:51:34,925 --> 00:51:35,967
-Umâ€¦
-[crowd laughs]

1170
00:51:36,635 --> 00:51:38,637
But I was really excited.
I ordered one offline.

1171
00:51:38,720 --> 00:51:43,058
It arrived, and I realized I was a little
too fucked up when I ordered it

1172
00:51:43,141 --> 00:51:46,436
because I opened up the box
and, ya guessed it,

1173
00:51:46,520 --> 00:51:48,605
I accidentally ordered

1174
00:51:48,688 --> 00:51:49,648
a girl's butt.

1175
00:51:49,731 --> 00:51:52,400
-Um, and it was a disaster.
-[crowd laughs]

1176
00:51:52,484 --> 00:51:56,947
It wasâ€¦ I don't know the first thing about
a girl's butt, you know, so I was furious.

1177
00:51:57,030 --> 00:51:59,491
I tried to return it.
Apparently, they don't want them back.

1178
00:51:59,574 --> 00:52:04,955
So I was stuck with this girl's butt.
And this girl's butt was very expensive.

1179
00:52:05,038 --> 00:52:07,124
So I was like,
"I'm not gonna waste this girl's butt."

1180
00:52:07,207 --> 00:52:08,917
So I started to fuck the girl's butt.

1181
00:52:09,000 --> 00:52:11,253
And I've been fucking
the girl's butt for a while.

1182
00:52:11,336 --> 00:52:14,589
This is what I learned about girls' butts
from fucking this girl's butt.

1183
00:52:14,673 --> 00:52:16,675
[crowd laughing]

1184
00:52:21,096 --> 00:52:22,264
Are you ready for this?

1185
00:52:23,390 --> 00:52:25,058
They're exactly the same.

1186
00:52:25,851 --> 00:52:28,687
Okay? Exactlyâ€¦ I thought there'd
be a different pathway,

1187
00:52:28,770 --> 00:52:31,815
or feel like, I don't know,
like a cat's tongue in there or something.

1188
00:52:31,898 --> 00:52:35,235
But no, no, no, exactly the same.

1189
00:52:35,318 --> 00:52:38,196
And so I've been fucking
this girl's butt for a while now,

1190
00:52:38,280 --> 00:52:40,699
and I guess the thing that I've learned is

1191
00:52:41,283 --> 00:52:43,368
-I'm bi. [giggles]
-[crowd laughs, cheers, applauds]

1192
00:52:43,451 --> 00:52:44,870
Yeah, I am.

1193
00:52:45,662 --> 00:52:47,330
Just a little bit, you know?

1194
00:52:48,707 --> 00:52:50,792
Oh, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

1195
00:52:50,876 --> 00:52:52,210
I am not bisexual.

1196
00:52:52,294 --> 00:52:54,754
-I am bipolar, though. Umâ€¦
-[crowd laughs, whoops]

1197
00:52:54,838 --> 00:52:56,173
Yes, thank you. Oh, wow.

1198
00:52:56,256 --> 00:52:59,509
I can't tell if you're screaming for me
or with me, but umâ€¦

1199
00:52:59,593 --> 00:53:01,511
Yeah, it is sort of unfortunate

1200
00:53:01,595 --> 00:53:05,307
that the bisexuals got to
the "bi" moniker before we were able to.

1201
00:53:05,390 --> 00:53:06,433
But you know, famously,

1202
00:53:06,516 --> 00:53:10,061
sometimes it's hard for us to get
out of bed, so races aren't our thing.

1203
00:53:10,770 --> 00:53:13,773
But ultimately, I do think that
the bipolars got it better

1204
00:53:13,857 --> 00:53:15,567
because at least
we have a pill we can take

1205
00:53:15,650 --> 00:53:18,028
to make us less annoying at parties, soâ€¦

1206
00:53:18,111 --> 00:53:19,196
[scattered laughs, applause]

1207
00:53:19,779 --> 00:53:20,947
-Hmm.
-[crowd laughs]

1208
00:53:21,031 --> 00:53:23,325
So rude! I love bisexuals.

1209
00:53:23,408 --> 00:53:26,494
Um, I celebrate them, and I fear them, soâ€¦

1210
00:53:27,287 --> 00:53:29,915
We might not keep that in. You know? Umâ€¦

1211
00:53:30,040 --> 00:53:32,751
But no, I'm reallyâ€¦
I'm really fascinated by human sexuality.

1212
00:53:32,834 --> 00:53:35,295
I always have been. Like, I alwaysâ€¦
I love learning new things.

1213
00:53:35,378 --> 00:53:38,590
Like, I found out recently
that, uh, women,

1214
00:53:38,673 --> 00:53:41,426
some of you can have
multiple orgasms, which is why--

1215
00:53:41,509 --> 00:53:43,345
Oh, one of them's having one right now.

1216
00:53:43,428 --> 00:53:45,597
-Uh, incredible.
-[crowd laughs]

1217
00:53:45,680 --> 00:53:48,391
And I guess, like,
my question for you, though,

1218
00:53:48,475 --> 00:53:50,936
is, like, at which orgasm

1219
00:53:51,019 --> 00:53:54,105
do you know you're supposed to be
ashamed of the thing you just did?

1220
00:53:54,189 --> 00:53:57,442
That isâ€¦ 'Cause, like, shame
is such an important mechanism

1221
00:53:57,525 --> 00:53:59,819
of the male orgasm, you know?

1222
00:53:59,903 --> 00:54:04,449
Like, if we didn't have post-nut clarity,
world would be in chaos constantly, okay?

1223
00:54:04,532 --> 00:54:08,370
Because I have doneâ€¦ Like, I have done
unthinkable things to have sex.

1224
00:54:08,453 --> 00:54:11,122
I've stepped foot
on a Greyhound bus just to get laid, okay?

1225
00:54:11,206 --> 00:54:13,416
That's psychotic behavior.

1226
00:54:13,500 --> 00:54:14,417
[crowd laughs]

1227
00:54:14,501 --> 00:54:15,752
And yet, here we are, you know?

1228
00:54:15,835 --> 00:54:19,506
It is unfortunate because cumming
is our favorite thing to do

1229
00:54:19,589 --> 00:54:22,884
that is immediately ruined
as soon as we've done it, you know?

1230
00:54:22,968 --> 00:54:24,970
Like "Out with the cum and all my love."

1231
00:54:25,053 --> 00:54:27,555
"Get out of my house.
I don't want to see you anymore."

1232
00:54:27,639 --> 00:54:28,848
-You know? Umâ€¦
-[crowd laughs]

1233
00:54:28,932 --> 00:54:31,393
And when you're in a man-man relationship,

1234
00:54:31,476 --> 00:54:33,645
that can become a real race, you know?

1235
00:54:34,312 --> 00:54:37,107
And nobody
wants to come in second in that race.

1236
00:54:37,732 --> 00:54:40,068
Because if you come in second,
the help will not be there

1237
00:54:40,151 --> 00:54:41,987
to get you across the finish line, okay?

1238
00:54:42,070 --> 00:54:45,115
It's just, like,
a half-assed fingering at best.

1239
00:54:45,740 --> 00:54:47,575
And I get it, I do. I understand it

1240
00:54:47,659 --> 00:54:50,870
because, like, we've allâ€¦
We all know how races work, you know?

1241
00:54:50,954 --> 00:54:54,207
Like, you cross the finish line,
and you're like, "Oh, thank God."

1242
00:54:54,291 --> 00:54:56,584
"I did it.
Can I go home, take a shower now?"

1243
00:54:57,085 --> 00:54:59,629
"Oh. Oh no, I gotta wait
for Brian now too."

1244
00:54:59,713 --> 00:55:01,840
-"Oh, cool, cool, cool."
-[crowd laughs]

1245
00:55:01,923 --> 00:55:04,676
"Brian did coke, so it'll take him
five hours to finish the race?"

1246
00:55:04,759 --> 00:55:06,344
-"Great!"
-[crowd laughs, cheers]

1247
00:55:06,428 --> 00:55:08,847
"Oh, what a lovely update."

1248
00:55:08,930 --> 00:55:10,181
"Amazing."

1249
00:55:10,265 --> 00:55:12,934
And it is really unfortunate,
because like sometimes, like,

1250
00:55:13,018 --> 00:55:15,103
when I cum, and there's
still more sex to be had,

1251
00:55:15,186 --> 00:55:17,564
it's as though I'm seeing sex
for the very first time,

1252
00:55:17,647 --> 00:55:20,025
and I'm like, "Oh my God,
they were right. This is a sin."

1253
00:55:20,108 --> 00:55:21,526
-You know, likeâ€¦
-[crowd laughs]

1254
00:55:21,609 --> 00:55:22,944
[feigns scream]

1255
00:55:23,028 --> 00:55:25,113
-You know?
-[crowd laughs, applauds]

1256
00:55:25,196 --> 00:55:28,199
Like, I went on a really great date
with a guy recently.

1257
00:55:28,283 --> 00:55:29,492
Sidebar about this guy.

1258
00:55:29,576 --> 00:55:32,412
He was born in London
but was raised in Florida.

1259
00:55:32,495 --> 00:55:34,998
And isn't that the saddest story
you've ever heard? [laughs]

1260
00:55:35,081 --> 00:55:36,666
-[crowd laughs]
-Oh my God.

1261
00:55:36,750 --> 00:55:40,128
It's like a modern-day "For sale:
baby shoes, never worn." You know?

1262
00:55:40,211 --> 00:55:43,757
Just like a full story in one sentence.

1263
00:55:43,840 --> 00:55:46,092
You could've had everything.

1264
00:55:46,176 --> 00:55:48,136
You could've had
the best accent imaginable.

1265
00:55:48,219 --> 00:55:50,221
Instead, you have every strain of HPV?

1266
00:55:50,305 --> 00:55:51,890
-Likeâ€¦
-[crowd laughs]

1267
00:55:51,973 --> 00:55:54,684
Tragic. But he was a nice guy.
He took me home.

1268
00:55:54,768 --> 00:55:56,728
And what a gentleman, he let me cum first,

1269
00:55:56,811 --> 00:55:59,272
which, what a mistake for him,
because now, at this point,

1270
00:55:59,356 --> 00:56:02,692
like, everything that he could have said
that would've been hot and romantic

1271
00:56:02,776 --> 00:56:04,569
was very gross to me.

1272
00:56:05,153 --> 00:56:08,323
Like, one point near the end, he was like,
"Where do you want it?"

1273
00:56:08,406 --> 00:56:09,532
And I was like,

1274
00:56:10,241 --> 00:56:11,451
"I don't know. Over there?"

1275
00:56:11,534 --> 00:56:12,994
-[laughs]
-[crowd laughs]

1276
00:56:13,078 --> 00:56:16,247
"Not here. Could you do it directly
in the beach towel, please?"

1277
00:56:16,331 --> 00:56:18,625
-Likeâ€¦
-[crowd laughs, applauds]

1278
00:56:19,125 --> 00:56:21,544
Save us all a step, you know?

1279
00:56:22,087 --> 00:56:23,296
Orgasms are wild, though.

1280
00:56:23,380 --> 00:56:25,590
Like, the differences
between the male orgasm

1281
00:56:25,673 --> 00:56:27,092
and the female orgasm, insane.

1282
00:56:27,175 --> 00:56:29,844
Like, the male orgasm, as we all know,
it's very straightforward.

1283
00:56:29,928 --> 00:56:31,096
It's just like<i> Mario Kart.</i>

1284
00:56:31,179 --> 00:56:34,099
You just go around the track enough times,
and you've won, you know?

1285
00:56:34,182 --> 00:56:36,434
Whereas the female orgasm,
from what I'm told,

1286
00:56:36,518 --> 00:56:39,270
it's like entering a maze,
and there's a sphinx at the entrance,

1287
00:56:39,354 --> 00:56:42,315
and he's like, "I only tell the truth,
and my brother only tells lies."

1288
00:56:42,399 --> 00:56:45,652
And you sort of have to solve that riddle,

1289
00:56:45,735 --> 00:56:47,695
get to the middle of the maze,
defeat the Minotaur,

1290
00:56:47,779 --> 00:56:50,490
and then maybe you'll find the G-spot.
You don't know!

1291
00:56:50,573 --> 00:56:52,784
The way we talk about
the G-spot in this culture,

1292
00:56:52,867 --> 00:56:56,454
it's as if it moves about the body,
every night, a different location

1293
00:56:56,538 --> 00:57:00,583
like the Room of Fucking Requirement.
It is absolutely nuts.

1294
00:57:00,667 --> 00:57:04,421
Like, I justâ€¦ I just don't think
it could be that difficult.

1295
00:57:04,504 --> 00:57:06,714
Like, you only ever hear
it's hard to make a woman come

1296
00:57:06,798 --> 00:57:10,552
in heterosexual relationships.
You never hear that from queer women,

1297
00:57:10,635 --> 00:57:14,055
and I wonder what the missing piece
of the equation is, you know? Likeâ€¦

1298
00:57:15,098 --> 00:57:16,599
Like, honestlyâ€¦

1299
00:57:16,683 --> 00:57:18,017
[crowd applauds, whoops]

1300
00:57:18,101 --> 00:57:19,227
No, stop.

1301
00:57:20,311 --> 00:57:21,604
[crowd laughs]

1302
00:57:21,688 --> 00:57:24,441
I will not let this descend into clapter.

1303
00:57:24,524 --> 00:57:25,692
[crowd laughs]

1304
00:57:25,775 --> 00:57:29,028
You either laugh and clap, or none, okay?

1305
00:57:29,112 --> 00:57:31,114
[crowd laughs]

1306
00:57:32,907 --> 00:57:36,244
I don't think it could be that difficult
to make a woman come.

1307
00:57:36,327 --> 00:57:38,621
Like, honestly, I think I could do it.

1308
00:57:38,705 --> 00:57:40,248
-[snickers]
-[crowd laughs]

1309
00:57:40,331 --> 00:57:42,167
I do. Put me in coach, you know?

1310
00:57:42,250 --> 00:57:44,127
Like, I justâ€¦ I think I could do it.

1311
00:57:44,210 --> 00:57:47,881
Like, I haven't spent time down there,
but I love a puzzle, [chuckles] soâ€¦

1312
00:57:47,964 --> 00:57:50,341
I feel like I would approach it
like any escape room.

1313
00:57:50,425 --> 00:57:52,093
Ht all the corners, and get out of there.

1314
00:57:52,177 --> 00:57:54,137
-You know? [chuckles]
-[crowd laughs]

1315
00:57:54,220 --> 00:57:56,306
With that in mind, ma'am,
if you could come up here.

1316
00:57:56,389 --> 00:57:57,515
-Uhâ€¦
-[crowd laughs]

1317
00:57:57,599 --> 00:58:00,977
If I could get my beach towel
flown in, please. That would be great.

1318
00:58:01,060 --> 00:58:04,397
I'm just kidding. But what if I wasn't?
[laughs] You know?

1319
00:58:04,481 --> 00:58:06,316
What if you were watching
this Netflix special,

1320
00:58:06,399 --> 00:58:08,443
and you were like,
"Oh my God, a gay Asian man

1321
00:58:08,526 --> 00:58:10,820
just got a woman off live on stage."

1322
00:58:10,904 --> 00:58:13,656
Like, who said theater was dead?

1323
00:58:13,740 --> 00:58:15,283
[crowd laughs, applauds]

1324
00:58:15,366 --> 00:58:18,703
Not me. No, no, no. No, sir. No, sir.

1325
00:58:18,786 --> 00:58:21,956
Here's the thing about talking about sex
so openly in front of you, guys.

1326
00:58:22,040 --> 00:58:24,375
I have to say it is a little fraught
for me as a gay man

1327
00:58:24,459 --> 00:58:28,087
because, you know,
I have a lot ofâ€¦ of straight male friends.

1328
00:58:28,171 --> 00:58:30,798
Very bravely,
I have a lot of straight male friends.

1329
00:58:30,882 --> 00:58:33,426
And whenever I talk about
my sex life on stage,

1330
00:58:33,510 --> 00:58:34,969
I come off, and they're alwaysâ€¦

1331
00:58:35,053 --> 00:58:37,305
Never fails.
Like, one of them is just like,

1332
00:58:37,388 --> 00:58:39,766
"Oh, Joel, you're so lucky."

1333
00:58:39,849 --> 00:58:42,060
"You know? Gay guys,
you're just fucking all the time."

1334
00:58:42,143 --> 00:58:43,311
"Just nonstop fucking."

1335
00:58:43,394 --> 00:58:46,689
"If I were gay, I'd be having
so much more sex than I'm having now."

1336
00:58:46,773 --> 00:58:49,776
It's like, no you wouldn't,
'cause you'd still look like that.

1337
00:58:49,859 --> 00:58:51,694
-You know? Like, that's notâ€¦
-[crowd laughs]

1338
00:58:51,778 --> 00:58:53,279
I'm sorry, I don't understand.

1339
00:58:53,363 --> 00:58:55,114
What do you think
coming out of the closet is?

1340
00:58:55,198 --> 00:58:58,409
You walk through the Narnia closet,
and the Earth shifts on its axis,

1341
00:58:58,493 --> 00:59:00,828
and we can't <i>see </i>you anymore?

1342
00:59:00,912 --> 00:59:02,997
It's much harder on our side of the fence.

1343
00:59:03,081 --> 00:59:05,875
Like, you do not want
this at all. It is tough.

1344
00:59:06,459 --> 00:59:07,669
But, Benâ€¦

1345
00:59:07,752 --> 00:59:09,212
-[snickers]
-[crowd laughs]

1346
00:59:09,796 --> 00:59:13,633
â€¦my newest straight male friend,
that was the grossest section

1347
00:59:13,716 --> 00:59:16,135
of all three, I think we can both agree.

1348
00:59:16,219 --> 00:59:17,220
[sparse laughter]

1349
00:59:17,303 --> 00:59:20,306
But did it make you uncomfortable
hearing about gay sex?

1350
00:59:20,390 --> 00:59:21,641
Gay cumming?

1351
00:59:21,724 --> 00:59:23,560
[sparse laughter]

1352
00:59:23,643 --> 00:59:26,604
-[Ben] I live in WeHo, soâ€¦
-You live in WeHo!

1353
00:59:26,688 --> 00:59:29,315
-[crowd laughs, applauds]
-[mike hits floor]

1354
00:59:30,358 --> 00:59:31,943
[crowd whoops]

1355
00:59:36,531 --> 00:59:37,490
So you'veâ€¦

1356
00:59:37,991 --> 00:59:40,118
You've beenâ€¦ You've basically had gay sex.

1357
00:59:40,201 --> 00:59:41,160
-Umâ€¦
-[crowd laughs]

1358
00:59:41,244 --> 00:59:43,371
You've basically seen it.
You've seen it all.

1359
00:59:43,454 --> 00:59:44,789
That's interesting.

1360
00:59:45,373 --> 00:59:47,417
But I guess, likeâ€¦
Okay, so you've seen now,

1361
00:59:47,500 --> 00:59:49,002
like, a big portion of the set.

1362
00:59:49,085 --> 00:59:51,713
You've heard a lot about my life
and how I live it.

1363
00:59:51,796 --> 00:59:54,215
And I guess my question
for you, Ben, is, umâ€¦

1364
00:59:55,883 --> 00:59:57,051
[sparse laughter]

1365
00:59:57,135 --> 00:59:58,845
Do you think I'm a good role model?

1366
00:59:58,928 --> 01:00:00,305
[crowd laughs]

1367
01:00:00,388 --> 01:00:04,058
Do you think I'm a good role model
for people in the communities I represent?

1368
01:00:04,142 --> 01:00:07,353
Like youngâ€¦ Asianâ€¦

1369
01:00:07,437 --> 01:00:10,440
gayâ€¦ boys?

1370
01:00:12,525 --> 01:00:14,611
-[Ben] As far as I can tell, yeah.
-Why?

1371
01:00:14,694 --> 01:00:16,195
[crowd laughs]

1372
01:00:16,279 --> 01:00:18,489
What about me makes me a good role model?

1373
01:00:18,573 --> 01:00:19,616
[Ben] You dress well.

1374
01:00:19,699 --> 01:00:21,200
-I dress well.
-[crowd laughs]

1375
01:00:21,284 --> 01:00:22,118
Okay.

1376
01:00:23,411 --> 01:00:25,413
[crowd applauding, whooping]

1377
01:00:28,666 --> 01:00:30,501
This bitch really does live in WeHo.

1378
01:00:30,585 --> 01:00:32,962
-Okay? Likeâ€¦
-[crowd laughs]

1379
01:00:33,046 --> 01:00:34,839
Amazing. Amazing, Ben.

1380
01:00:35,632 --> 01:00:38,760
I gotta tell you. There are lots of people
who don't think I'm a good role model,

1381
01:00:38,843 --> 01:00:41,596
especially a <i>lot</i> of Asian people,
and a <i>lot </i>of gay people

1382
01:00:41,679 --> 01:00:44,140
do not think I'm representing
the community very well at all.

1383
01:00:44,223 --> 01:00:46,351
In fact, I did a show in Phoenix recently,

1384
01:00:46,434 --> 01:00:48,811
and a gay guy DM'd me after the show,
and he was like,

1385
01:00:48,895 --> 01:00:52,649
"You are everything that's wrong
with the gay community."

1386
01:00:52,732 --> 01:00:56,444
"You make all gay guys
seem like drug-addicted sex idiots."

1387
01:00:56,527 --> 01:00:58,279
And I was like, "You're welcome?"

1388
01:00:58,363 --> 01:00:59,906
-Likeâ€¦
-[crowd laughs]

1389
01:00:59,989 --> 01:01:02,075
He was like,
"Gay guys like you are the reason

1390
01:01:02,158 --> 01:01:04,243
my parents don't talk to me anymore."

1391
01:01:04,327 --> 01:01:05,870
-[crowd groans]
-I know.

1392
01:01:05,953 --> 01:01:09,707
And I was like, "Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
That's, like, so heavy."

1393
01:01:09,791 --> 01:01:13,294
"But also, umâ€¦ you are the only gay person
your parents know,

1394
01:01:13,378 --> 01:01:15,463
so maybe take a bit
more responsibility for that."

1395
01:01:15,546 --> 01:01:16,631
-You know?
-[crowd laughs]

1396
01:01:16,714 --> 01:01:19,717
"I'm sorry. Like, I bet if they met me,
they'd be jazzed."

1397
01:01:19,801 --> 01:01:22,762
"Oh my God, we didn't know
they could be cool too!"

1398
01:01:22,845 --> 01:01:26,224
Like, "Oh God, we thought they all just
lived in our basement and mooched."

1399
01:01:26,307 --> 01:01:28,476
-You know?
-[crowd laughs]

1400
01:01:28,559 --> 01:01:32,063
But it is really fraught. For instance,
Ben, like, I have to ask you.

1401
01:01:32,146 --> 01:01:33,731
You know, you've spent the evening

1402
01:01:33,815 --> 01:01:36,567
representing all straight white men,
that community.

1403
01:01:36,651 --> 01:01:38,152
Has it been frustrating for you?

1404
01:01:39,028 --> 01:01:40,571
-[Ben] A little bit.
-A little bit.

1405
01:01:40,655 --> 01:01:42,448
Interesting. You've had to
do it for one night.

1406
01:01:42,532 --> 01:01:44,492
I've had to do it for 11 years. You know?

1407
01:01:44,575 --> 01:01:47,328
Um, it's true. It's true.
And this is the thing.

1408
01:01:47,412 --> 01:01:50,957
Like, I so appreciate everyone
who came to the show tonight

1409
01:01:51,040 --> 01:01:54,043
and wanted to feel represented
and does feel represented by me.

1410
01:01:54,127 --> 01:01:58,047
Sees themself reflected in my experience.
That is so awesome.

1411
01:01:58,673 --> 01:02:01,592
But it's also
not what I came up here to do.

1412
01:02:01,676 --> 01:02:04,595
That is not my primary purpose
as a stand-up comedian.

1413
01:02:04,679 --> 01:02:08,307
I mostly just wanted to come up here
and be stupid and make people laugh.

1414
01:02:08,391 --> 01:02:12,019
And that, all that stuff,
is a byproduct, okay?

1415
01:02:12,103 --> 01:02:14,439
And so with all that in mind,

1416
01:02:15,064 --> 01:02:18,443
I'm gonna end my set now<i> </i>with a joke

1417
01:02:18,526 --> 01:02:21,696
that straight people, gay people,
and Asian people

1418
01:02:21,779 --> 01:02:25,074
have all asked me to stop telling
at one point or another, okay?

1419
01:02:25,158 --> 01:02:27,160
-Umâ€¦
-[crowd laughs, applauds, whoops]

1420
01:02:28,077 --> 01:02:30,246
And it goes something like this.
So, here's the thing.

1421
01:02:30,329 --> 01:02:33,458
I don't think that gay men,
we have more sex than straight men.

1422
01:02:33,541 --> 01:02:36,753
Um, I think we have more interesting sex
than straight people, certainly.

1423
01:02:36,836 --> 01:02:39,714
Like, personally, I've had sex
in a Target. I've had sex in an IKEA.

1424
01:02:39,797 --> 01:02:41,758
I love to shop.
I'm a stereotype. What can I say?

1425
01:02:41,841 --> 01:02:43,176
-You know?
-[crowd laughs, whoops]

1426
01:02:43,259 --> 01:02:46,345
But my favorite place
to hook up in public, it's very vintage.

1427
01:02:46,429 --> 01:02:49,724
It's old-school. I love to hook up
in the steam room at my gym.

1428
01:02:49,807 --> 01:02:52,185
Um, it's great,
'cause it's very dark and moist,

1429
01:02:52,268 --> 01:02:54,896
and gay men, we're like mold,
we thrive in those environments.

1430
01:02:54,979 --> 01:02:56,355
[crowd laughs]

1431
01:02:56,439 --> 01:02:58,399
It's either in the steam room
or behind the fridge.

1432
01:02:58,483 --> 01:03:00,109
That's where we're fucking these days.

1433
01:03:00,193 --> 01:03:01,569
Um, and so recently,

1434
01:03:01,652 --> 01:03:04,238
I was hooking up with these two guys
in the steam room at my gym.

1435
01:03:04,322 --> 01:03:07,992
We were having an amazing time,
and then in walks a group of straight men.

1436
01:03:08,075 --> 01:03:09,911
So we scattered like roaches

1437
01:03:09,994 --> 01:03:12,205
because that is
the social contract that we sign.

1438
01:03:12,288 --> 01:03:14,123
And the straight guys, they sat down

1439
01:03:14,207 --> 01:03:18,252
and started talking about chicken
and broccoli, or whatever you talk about.

1440
01:03:18,336 --> 01:03:19,545
[crowd laughs]

1441
01:03:19,629 --> 01:03:22,465
And there was a lull
in their conversation at one point,

1442
01:03:22,548 --> 01:03:25,968
and the guy who had sort of
initiated the threesome at the start,

1443
01:03:26,052 --> 01:03:28,137
he was sort of the captain of the hookup,

1444
01:03:28,221 --> 01:03:31,808
he looked over at those men,
and he said something truly wild.

1445
01:03:31,891 --> 01:03:33,559
He looked over at them and was like,

1446
01:03:34,644 --> 01:03:35,728
"You guys horny?"

1447
01:03:35,812 --> 01:03:37,563
-[laughs]
-[crowd laughs]

1448
01:03:37,647 --> 01:03:40,608
They could not believe their ears.
They started shaking and convulsing.

1449
01:03:40,691 --> 01:03:42,652
It was like they were
on Pirates of the Caribbean,

1450
01:03:42,735 --> 01:03:45,488
and one of the animatronics
looked at them in the eyes, you know?

1451
01:03:45,571 --> 01:03:49,158
They could not believe
what they were hearing.

1452
01:03:50,117 --> 01:03:53,663
And finally one of them managed
to sputter out, "No, no, no." No. No. No.

1453
01:03:54,330 --> 01:03:55,706
"I'm not horny."

1454
01:03:56,207 --> 01:03:57,834
"None of us are horny."

1455
01:03:58,668 --> 01:04:00,044
And you know that's likeâ€¦

1456
01:04:00,670 --> 01:04:02,588
[tearful voice] We were
already humiliated.

1457
01:04:02,672 --> 01:04:04,715
[crowd laughing]

1458
01:04:07,301 --> 01:04:08,344
And then,

1459
01:04:09,136 --> 01:04:10,221
this man,

1460
01:04:11,305 --> 01:04:12,390
he stood up,

1461
01:04:13,099 --> 01:04:15,768
and he looked at them in the eyes
and said somethingâ€¦

1462
01:04:17,520 --> 01:04:18,896
that I'll never forget.

1463
01:04:21,148 --> 01:04:22,024
I'm sorry. Umâ€¦

1464
01:04:23,442 --> 01:04:24,277
He said,

1465
01:04:24,902 --> 01:04:26,070
"Then you gotta go."

1466
01:04:26,153 --> 01:04:27,697
-[laughs]
-[crowd laughs, applauds]

1467
01:04:27,780 --> 01:04:29,073
And they did!

1468
01:04:29,156 --> 01:04:30,783
That's the crazy thing,

1469
01:04:30,867 --> 01:04:35,329
is they got up without another word,
and they left that steam room.

1470
01:04:36,414 --> 01:04:38,040
And as I finished that man off,

1471
01:04:38,124 --> 01:04:40,710
I was like, "You, sir,
you are a good role model."

1472
01:04:40,793 --> 01:04:43,087
Thank you so much. That's what I look at.

1473
01:04:43,671 --> 01:04:46,299
LA, thank you so much!

1474
01:04:46,382 --> 01:04:48,801
Oh my God, you've been fantastic!

1475
01:04:48,885 --> 01:04:50,887
[crowd cheers, applauds]

1476
01:04:50,970 --> 01:04:52,972
[atmospheric house music playing]

1477
01:05:08,487 --> 01:05:11,032
[music continues]